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requiem

Summary:

Two years after the events of 'carmen', Hua Cheng is more in love than ever with her wonderful, brilliant, perfect girlfriend and their beautiful, passionate life together.

But as their lives continue to entwine, new challenges arise. For Hua Cheng, her biggest challenge yet becomes gaining the approval of Xie Lian's teenage son, who has more in common with her than either of them realize.

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(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Hua Cheng firmly believes she is, in fact, the luckiest woman on the planet. And she makes that clear to anyone who asks, and to her online friends— the same ones who’d widely cautioned her against all of her current life choices. She distinctly remembers their initial teases and excitement when she told them she was going out with a woman in her thirties, followed by the awkward cautionary sentiments when they found out said woman had kids

Are you sure that’s a good idea? One asked. 

You ready to take on that kind of baggage if things get serious? 

Hua Cheng was pretty hurt by their doubts, but they had their reasons. It certainly is a lot more difficult to date someone with kids than without, but they're not baggage. And while they were able to spend plenty of time together, there were also plenty of occasions in which they were interrupted by the kids. They couldn't go on spontaneous weekend trips away or sleep in late together, not when there's school runs and swim meets and dentist appointments. Honestly, Hua Cheng never minded that, because Xie Lian’s kids, thirteen and seven at the time, were super easy to get along with and welcomed Hua Cheng with open arms. Plus, they were here first, and this is their literal mom. She’s never understood the odd jealousy some people seem to get while dating people with kids. 

And things worked out perfectly, just like she knew they would.

Because for two years now, she's been dating THE most beautiful woman in the entire world. Sure, the situation wasn’t ideal at the start to many people’s standards: Xie Lian was married at the time to a total douchebag, had two kids with said douchebag, and a long history of poor mental health. But being with Hua Cheng brought out the real her, and even a better her in many ways.

And people say after the honeymoon phase, relationships lose some of their spark, but theirs has only gotten stronger and more passionate with time. Life is literally perfect when they are together, and it’s getting harder and harder to leave her.

Fortunately, Hua Cheng is graduating from her masters program in just a few weeks, leaving the whole summer ahead of them to spend uninterrupted time together, and, pending an acceptance to a doctorate program in Shanghai, many more days in the week together as well. She literally dreams of being able to see Xie Lian whenever she wants. Of never having to take the bullet train away from her again. Because god, there’s just so many perks of dating Xie Lian.

For one, she’s so responsive. She can’t even fathom a dry text, even when she’s not in a good mood. She communicates that. Imagine dating someone that’s good at communicating? 

Of course, she wasn’t always good at that – but Hua Cheng can’t really count their first few months together, considering Xie Lian was still trapped in a nightmare marriage and dealing with heavy mental health issues with no healthy coping mechanisms. Of course she’d rather keep what she was feeling to herself back then. But after she officially divorced and moved far from her life before, she’s been much more open about everything she’s feeling. And when she’s not able to be completely open about her struggles, she tells Hua Cheng that too. 

And then there’s the fact that Xie Lian is an incredibly caring person. She’s thoughtful , and extremely generous. Hua Cheng has learned to stop protesting Xie Lian covering bills, dinners, and days out, not because she knows Xie Lian is obscenely wealthy, but because of how happy it makes Xie Lian to pay for those things. To feel like she’s providing for the people she loves. 

And though it was hard getting used to at first, it is nice to be spoiled sometimes. That’s not to say she doesn’t like spoiling her jiejie, too. She never comes to her house empty handed. And she indulges on Xie Lian’s every whim. The woman… certainly has a lot of wonderful needs. 

There’s another major perk in dating her: the sex. She was attracted to Xie Lian long before she found out about this perk, but when she did it was like striking gold. Because god damn , she has the perfect body. Soft curves, plump lips, pliant pussy. It’s a good thing Xie Lian has a high sex drive, because Hua Cheng, who always thought she herself was average, feels insatiable when she’s with her. And when they’re apart, when Hua Cheng is having a long day or feeling lonely, it’s like Xie Lian just knows it– and that’s when she’ll send a tastefully arranged photo, the artist that she is. It makes the days before the weekend so much longer. Then, when they finally reunite, they have to act like normal humans for a few hours until the kids go to bed, which is hard . Sometimes they give in and sneak to the pantry for a few stolen moments. And when Hua Cheng is able to stay during university breaks while the kids are at school, every moment she’s waited for her becomes well worth it. 

In June, the night before her birthday, she’s on the train to Xie Lian’s when she gets a text that makes her wish she could teleport into her girlfriend’s bedroom. 

 

🌷💋💘jiejie💘💋🌷
Do you want your birthday present tonight? It’s here waiting for you… 

She bites her lip, gripping her phone tightly. Thankfully, there aren’t many people on this train. 

If you come pick me up from the train station I’ll open it in the car. Otherwise I’m devouring it in a half hour. 

She watches Xie Lian type and thinks of all the ways she’s going to take her apart when they meet. Five days is far too long to be apart. 

And Xie Lian replies: 

🌷💋💘jiejie💘💋🌷
You know I hate a mess in the car. I’m waiting in the bedroom. Get here as soon as you can.

The second the train doors open, Hua Cheng is flying out them. She already had a ride waiting, and during her jog across the station, she happens to notice a young man stepping out of another train. They meet eyes for the briefest of moments before he’s disappeared in the crowd. Maybe it’s nothing. It’s probably nothing. Hua Cheng has places to be. 

She’ll check the kid’s room later tonight, just to be sure. In the mean time, she has a girlfriend to fuck.

.

“Ha… ha… a-ah…ahh!!”

Xie Lian clings to her girlfriend’s shoulders as the strap thrusts in and out of her at a merciless pace. Her legs are spread wide open and the towel below her covered in her come from two or three orgasms ago. Her gift to Hua Cheng is flung on the floor halfway across the room. The rouge on her lips has held up remarkably, but the eyeliner’s starting to smudge from her tears. Hua Cheng has such a love-hate relationship with seeing her cry. And hearing her cry, too. Often, it’s beautiful. And when she finally comes again, it’s loud— too loud, and she knows it. When she comes down, and before Hua Cheng can start teasing her, her eyes widen. “Do you… do you think they heard me…?”

Hua Cheng takes a moment to catch her breath and grab her drink from the side table. She glances at the clock. It’s almost one in the morning, so her kids should be asleep. If they didn’t wake up from the first three orgasms, it’s unlikely this one was any different. Besides, Hua Cheng has personally worked to soundproof this room as well. Still, “I can go check—“

“Maybe I should?” Xie Lian tries to climb out of bed. She’s still struggling to catch her breath and her hair’s disheveled. Cheeks flushed. It’ll be obvious.

“I’ll go. Lie down, Jiejie, and I’ll be right back,” she kisses her once, twice, and then puts some pants on before leaving the room.

Down the hall, two bedrooms are across from each other. Hua Cheng opts for the safe route first. She cracks open the purple door covered in flowers hand-painted by Xie Lian and peers in at the messy bedroom. At the center of the room, Xie Lian’s almost nine year old daughter is sound asleep, half off of her bed. She has a small TV in her room and had been midway through a baking episode when the “Are You Still Watching?” notification had popped up some time ago. 

Hua Cheng tucks her back in and smooths her hair away from her face. She turns off the TV and on the night light before leaving.

Then it’s time for the boy’s room — but there’s no need. She hears the door very quietly shut downstairs. That’s when she remembers the face she’d spotted among the crowd at the train station and decides to confront him. 

Xie Lian’s son is almost sixteen years old. Product of a teen pregancy, Jun Haoxuan is a very enigmatic young man. In some ways, he is the typical teenage boy. In others, he's mature far beyond his years. Every time Hua Cheng thinks she understands him, she is proven wrong. He sprung up like a weed – and despite always being tall for his age, as a descendent of two tall parents (his father around six and a half feet tall himself), is now very tall, nearing the top of the door, and uses it to his advantage as an intimidation factor to keep pesky peers at bay, some of which have nicknamed him the Jun Giant. But if Hua Cheng knows anything about teenagers, it’s that you can’t let them know you’re intimidated by them whatsoever, or they will take that shit and run with it. 

So she waits for him at the end of the hallway, standing taller than her five foot eleven inches, and when he sees her, he knows better than to run. 

“Awful late to be out, don’t you think?” She asks casually, inspecting a nail. Seeing what he’s wearing confirms that he’s the one she saw at the train station. The question is, why was he there? She doubts his mother knew. 

“I got locked out when I was out back,” he tries, but it only takes a few seconds to realize that Hua Cheng isn’t buying it. “And what’s it to you, anyway? I don’t have a curfew.”

“You don’t,” she agrees calmly, “but I’m not sure how your mom would feel if she knew you left the city this evening without her knowledge.”

Even in the dark, she can tell his eyes widen. She continues, “I get it. Rebellious teenage phase. I was in it until my early twenties. Loved doing things to defy the parents. Get a taste of thrill, it makes sense, it’s normal. But you’re a billionaire’s kid, at least be smart about it. Order a chauffeur, get a chaperone, anything but–”

“And don’t you think there’s a reason I’m not doing that?” He slips past her into his room. Surprisingly, it’s quite tidy. He doesn’t shut the door, so Hua Cheng stands in the doorway. 

“Either you’re seeing someone you shouldn’t be or you just like worrying your mom–”

“Yeah,” he tosses his bag onto a chair before turning on his TV, “who even if she did know, would care about as much as he does. In case it's unclear, that's zero."

She leans against the frame. “You know that isn’t true.”

“What I know is they’re in a race for most oblivious boomer on the face of this earth.”

“Does your dad know where you were? Is that it? I know I heard he was going to Shanghai to see his brother before he—”

The boy scoffs. There’s something bitter in his gaze. “The last thing I want to do is talk to you about him. Why don’t you just go back to banging my mom since that’s all you come here for–”

And Hua Cheng doesn’t even bat an eye. Yet another tactic by the typical rebellious teenager: scandalous insults. “No need to take it out on me, whatever ‘it’ is.”

“Wasn’t doing that. And I didn’t see my piece of shit dying father. He asked to and I told him to fuck off. Is the interrogation over now?”

“Look, I understand what you’re going through-“

He scoffs. “No the fuck you don’t.”

“Yes the fuck I do,” she counters without missing a beat. “My father is dying too. He doesn’t even know who I am most days, and—“

“Your father wanted you. Your father isn’t choosing to die. So no, you don’t, and don’t try to relate to a situation you literally have no part in.” And with that, SLAM. The door is in her face.

Yes, she remembers being fifteen and slamming doors. Never did she think she’d be on the other side of things though, especially not in her twenties and with her girlfriend’s kid. She never even thought she’d have a girlfriend with a kid, let alone two. 

Xie Lian’s daughter is easy to get along with. Her son was , at one point, and for the past year and a half when Hua Cheng spent every weekend and half of every semester break in their house and even went on two vacations with them, there have never been any problems. They have a similar sense of humor and Hua Cheng has a lot more pop culture knowledge than Xie Lian does, which has given them something to bond over. 

Oh, but recently? The kid’s been like ice to everyone, and it’s no secret why. His father is indeed slowly dying and isn’t expected to last the year. He was doing a bit better for a time after finally relenting to a risky heart transplant, giving everyone a sense of false hope and himself a new perspective on life– but after several months the heart was rejected and various attempts at treatment have been largely unsuccessful. They told him he should try for another transplant, which he adamantly refused. He didn’t want the first transplant as it was. 

Well, Jun Haoxuan didn’t take it very well. He’s been incredibly withdrawn and snippy with everyone, and now he’s taking out his anger on Hua Cheng, apparently. 

A few moments after the door slam, Xie Lian peers out into the hallway, now back in her pajamas. “Is… everything OK?”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean to do it,” Hua Cheng says, deciding not to talk about this until some other time. None of them need that kind of drama. “Let’s go back to bed.” 

Xie Lian doesn’t seem sure about that, but she also doesn’t protest. It’s late and they’re both exhausted. Hua Cheng is weeks away from finishing her master’s program, and Xie Lian is finishing her junior year. With all the stress surrounding them from the outside world, it’s better to just try and enjoy the time they have together. 

And Hua Cheng always does. With her girlfriend snuggled into the crook of her arm, she tries to fall asleep, but even her sleep is plagued with worry about a kid who isn’t even hers. Why is that?

***

Understanding Your Teenager? ” Yin Yu lowers her glasses. She’d come up to campus to visit Hua Cheng while dealing with ex-family issues in the area. Her ex-husband is a physics professor here, a real douche, and victim to at least two thumbtacks on his seat every semester. Hua Cheng usually leaves a healthy supply of thumbtacks on the bulletin boards near his classrooms. 

Yin Yu had cornered Hua Cheng in the library of all places– an odd location considering Hua Cheng likes to hide out in the graduate lounge most of the time. 

“Shut up,” Hua Cheng grumbles, shutting the book and shifting her attention back to a rather thick English textbook. “I have my reasons.”

Yin Yu sits across from her. “Problems in paradise?”

“I don’t think so. I’m just… anticipating future problems.” She rests a fist to her cheek. “How many lesbians do you know that have issues with their girlfriend’s kids? I feel pretty alone in this.”

“Yeah, you might be one of the only few.” She slides into the seat across from her. “So what’s up?”

Hua Cheng doesn't know how to say "there's a giant man-child living in my girlfriend's house that hates me" so she just shrugs and asks if Yin Yu wants to grab dinner with her later.

.

Hua Cheng leaves the library with four additional books and a few websites bookmarked on her phone. She should be working on studying for finals, but as a grad student, ‘finals’ consists of writing papers, which she tends to do in the early hours of the morning anyway. 

Just as she gets home to her one bedroom that she’d never dream of affording on her own, she notices a text from her older sister. Usually, weeks will go by between any communication with her family, being that’s how it’s been for most of her life. Until recently, that is. After her father’s early onset dementia diagnosis three years ago, they’ve all had to stay in contact constantly. Adding elopement onto the list of problems, the sisters have no choice but to put him in a supervised environment, and that’s been plaguing Hua Cheng’s mind most of the time. No one wants to think about their dad being in that kind of state or environment. He was happy enough in his apartment – no one had the time to stay there with him 24/7, though. Or the money. 

And as terrible as it may sound, Hua Cheng wanted less and less to do with him. Her sisters think it’s because of his current mental state, but truthfully, it goes beyond that. Funnily enough, she was close with him for most of her life. But as she’s aged, she’s started to realize things about her childhood that portray him in quite the negative light. And to bring it up now when he’s like this would only make her look bad, so she’s decided to put it aside. But putting it aside has made her feel so much worse. For who could she vent to about it? Her sisters, who already know and don’t want to talk about it, dealing with the stress of their own lives? Her girlfriend, who’s overwhelmed enough with her kids, school, and dying ex-husband?

So she’s kept it to herself save for a few vague updates now and then to her girlfriend and it sucks. It’s a heavy, heavy burden to carry. 

Despite this cloud lingering over her, Hua Cheng has never been happier thanks to her new life with her girlfriend . Sure, this isn’t the life she’d expected for herself but it’s just what she needed. 

Now, as soon as she finishes school, they’ll have no reason to be apart so long again. Well, no reason except for…

Da-jie 

So when can we expect you back in Beijing? We want to take Dad out for his birthday. 

Hua Cheng immediately swipes away the message. She’s busy on a call with Xie Lian right now anyway. Xie Lian is telling her about a presentation she has to do in a few days for a psychology class while doing her nightly skincare routine.

Then, she gets another text. 

Da-jie  

We don’t know how many birthdays he has left, okay? You can take a day out of your busy schedule for the man who raised you.

But it’s five hours by train and finals are a week away. Then, she has to pack up her apartment as she’ll be staying with Xie Lian until she finds her next place – assuming Xie Lian asks her to leave. She’d rather not ask Xie Lian to pay for a flight, either. And a dinner isn’t that important — couldn’t it wait until after finals? 

Then, the worst text comes in from her middle sister:

Er-jie (Bitch)

That girlfriend of yours can wait. I’m sure she has plenty of other things to do. Kids to raise. A house to keep up. Shit women HER AGE do. 

Hua Cheng heaves a sigh. Her middle sister is permanently jealous because she’s practically a single mother due to her husband’s deployment and hates that people like Xie Lian exist. It’s a good thing they’ve never met. She opens the group chat and starts to type out a long, angry text, before her oldest sister texts again: 

Da-jie

Ignoring THAT, I don’t think Dad’s going to remember any of us for much longer. On top of the health issues, he called me Mom’s name several times during our last visit. When I told him my name, he asked how we knew each other. So if you have anything you want to tell him or do with him before we lose him, now is the time. Can we ask for one day from you? 

 

Xie Lian happened to glance at the screen and notice that Hua Cheng wasn’t paying attention. “ Something wrong, San Niang ?”

Hua Cheng reopens the video. “No, just… school emails.” She usually tells Xie Lian the basics of what’s going on with her family, but nothing more. She wants their time together to always be pleasant. She closes her eyes. “Baobei— I don’t think I’ll be able to come this weekend.”

Xie Lian frowns, lines of worry appearing on her face. “ Because of finals ?”

For some reason, she decides to lie. “Yeah. I just… I have to defend my thesis next week and I want to make sure it’s perfect.”

Oh .” Xie Lian briefly sombers. “ I get it though— this is important, San Niang. And we’ll be together for the summer soon enough .”

“You really don’t mind?”

I’ll miss you, but I understand. It’s okay .” 

Hua Cheng is two seconds from telling the truth when she hears a child’s voice in the background of Xie Lian’s room. It’s late, almost midnight, and Hua Cheng is sure she just heard the infamous “Mom I threw up” line, so it’s no surprise when Xie Lian cringes and says, “ I have to go, San Niang. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Once she’s hung up, Hua Cheng stares at the dark closet by her bed for a long while. She just… she just lied to Xie Lian for no good reason. It doesn’t feel good to have done, but at the same time, she reminds herself that Xie Lian is overwhelmed with school and her kids and what good would piling on Hua Cheng’s family issues do? When next they see each other, this will all be a thing of the past. 

She sends a goodnight text and tries to put it from her mind.

***

Xie Lian doesn’t text her the next day. Hua Cheng’s guilt is telling her it’s because she knows somehow. But even if she did know, would it warrant that kind of reaction? No. Of course not, surely… surely everything is fine. 

But that afternoon while she packs an overnight bag for her trip to Beijing, she sends another text – just a simple: Hope you are having a great day, jiejie <3 in hopes that maybe Xie Lian has just simply misplaced her phone. She does that a lot. 

Hua Cheng jumps at each notification that evening on the train, but none are from her. When she arrives in Beijing that night, she finally decides just to call and she’s met with a voicemail box right away, which sends her into something of a panic. Something’s wrong. And here Hua Cheng is in Beijing, instead of going to see her like she should have. What if that psychotic dickhole Jun Wu decided to pay her a visit? What good is a protective order to a dying billionaire anyway? And what if — 

And then, as though an act of God, Xie Lian is calling her. She answers in a millisecond. “Jiejie?”

I’m sorry I missed your call, San Niang, I was… do you have a minute ?” And she sounds tired . Hua Cheng has never felt so guilty in all her life. She sits on a nearby bench. 

Xie Lian explains that she was kept up all night by her daughter’s stomach bug, but by the early hours of the morning the pain had worsened significantly and she’d spiked a fever. So they went to the hospital, where she was diagnosed with appendicitis. More specifically, her appendix had ruptured. Hua Cheng’s heart drops to her stomach. “ And I would’ve called you, but I didn’t want to worry you at a time like this. Even if I did, I couldn’t even think straight – I was just so panicked. Yuxi… she’s okay, I think she’ll be released in a day or two —”

“I am so sorry.” Hua Cheng blurts, “I should’ve been there. I’ll – I’ll be there on the next available train, just give me a few hours-”

It’s okay, San Niang. There’s not much you can do for us right now anyway and I don’t want you to have your studies interrupted .”

“Damn the studies–”

San Niang ,” she says a little firmer. “ If you want to come tomorrow, I won’t stop you, but… to tell you the truth, she probably won’t get much rest with you being here. Every time she sees you, she just wants to talk to you and play with you. With me, she’s bored out of her mind, which is a good thing .”

“Then I’ll come in a few days, whenever you think she’s ready.” She feels no better about this. “For now, will you have her call me when she’s feeling a bit better?”

Of course .”

“I was really worried, jiejie. I’m glad you’re both okay.”

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. My phone was almost dead when it happened and I only had enough time to call my mother, but I should’ve called you. I’m so sorry.

“Don’t be. I’ll talk to you soon, jiejie. Call me whenever you need to.”

Alright I will, I… I love you, San Niang. Good luck on your project .”

.

Hua Cheng crashes at her eldest sister’s place that night, but barely sleeps. She shouldn’t be here and this absolutely can never happen again. She still plans on taking the bullet to Shanghai immediately after her visit with her dad tomorrow morning. 

And when tomorrow comes, she still feels horrible, even after talking to Xie Lian’s daughter on the phone and confirming that the girl is just as cheerful as ever and very excited to be staying in the hospital. She says she feels like a celebrity with all the visitors she’s had. And then she tells Hua Cheng a very interesting piece of information – her dad had already come to see her yesterday. He was there when she got out of surgery. There’s a bit of information Xie Lian conveniently left out. Jun Yuxi tells her that he was on a vacation with his friend Mei Niangqing and their plane happened to have a layover in Shanghai. 

So to top it all off, Hua Cheng feels like absolute shit for not being there because a dying criminal man about to start hospice care was there – and yet Xie Lian told Hua Cheng not to come. Was this why? This solidifies her decision to take the next available train to Shanghai. She tells her sister she can see their father for two hours maximum, which pisses them off, but who cares? 

They take their father to a nice outdoor restaurant. It’s on the pricey side, but they all felt like splurging today. Hua Cheng doesn’t care about the cost. She just wants to leave. She watches her silent father sadly – wishing he would say something. But every time they go out in public, he falls even quieter than usual. They should’ve stayed in. She can’t watch him like this. Better yet, she should – 

And then she recognizes a face amongst the crowd passing the restaurant, though he’s gone in an instant. She springs up from her seat and tells them she’ll be right back before pursuing that person into a shopping mall across the street. She corners him by a game store. “Aiya, what the hell are you doing here alone? You’re supposed to be at home.”

The boy, her girlfriend's son, quickly becoming the bane of her existence, shrugged her hand off of him. “And you’re supposed to be at school. Guess we’re both liars.”

“Liars?” She all but seethes. “I’m a grown adult. Now tell me what you’re doing here before I call your mom. She’s dealing with enough as it is, Haoxuan – your sister is literally in the hospital.”

“I know that. So what difference does it make if I’m home or not?”

Hua Cheng scoffs. “You’re fifteen years old and halfway across the country without your mother’s permission or knowledge. And judging by your attitude, this isn’t the first time you’ve done this, is it?”

Jun Haoxuan shrinks back a little. Just slightly . “No, it’s not.”

“How are you doing it?”

His voice gets even quieter. “I know my dad’s bank information.”

Hua Cheng is trying very, very hard to stay calm. “And how… how many times—”

“My mom might not care about anything we left behind, but I still have friends here.” He says defensively, eyes still on the ground. 

“It’s been almost two years, though.” Hua Cheng reminds him, “And you’ve made plenty of friends at your new place. Is that really the only reason you come back here?”

He doesn’t answer, his gaze turning bitter. That decides it for her. “I’m calling your mom–”

“Do you really think now is the time to stress her out?” He counters. “I’m going back later anyway. I’ve got a flight leaving before dark.”

Hua Cheng cannot believe the nerve of this kid. “Fine. Show me what flight you booked, and I’ll accompany you.”

“You’re not my mom, you know.” He tells her. Funny stuff. 

She pats his arm. “For the rest of the day, I am. Now you’re going to come back with me to that restaurant across the road. Run off or cause trouble and I’ll tell your dad too, I don’t give a shit. Don’t test me.”

He doesn’t protest any further, but he certainly drags his feet on the way to the restaurant. He opts to sit at a nearby, unoccupied booth, lying back against the wall while watching something on his phone. Hua Cheng returns to her seat. 

“Who’s that?” Her er-jie asks, attempting to wrestle a knife out of her toddler’s hand. 

“My girlfriend’s son.”

“The hell’s he doing in Beijing?”

“I asked the same question and didn’t get a good answer.” She exhales sharply. “But I’ve agreed not to tell his mom… for now , if he stays with me until his flight home. Now, what were we talking about?”

“We were talking about touring that other nursing home tomorrow, although I take it you won’t be joining us since you’ll be babysitting.” Her eldest sister says frostily. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that ever since you started dating that woman, you’ve left us all in the dust. And all of this would be fine if we had a normal, healthy father, or a mother in the picture, but we don’t. His care is up to all three of us, including financially, and you need to be part of that decision.”

“So you want money. Is that why I’m here?” Hua Cheng huffs. That's why you don't tell people when you've got money. They'll just try to take it all. The same shit happened when she started working at the lake. Suddenly everybody needed a free vacation...

Her sisters exchange glances before the eldest concurs, “You’ve got a rich girlfriend funding your whole lifestyle. You couldn’t contribute a little more for Dad?”

“I contribute on time every month,” Hua Cheng says firmly. “If you want more, I’ll earn more. It’s not her responsibility.”

“To set him up with 24/7 in home care with the best of the best would be chump change to that woman,” er-jie argues, “but your stubborn pride won’t let you ask, even when you know she’d be happy to give you as much as you want.”

“Because it’s not her responsibility ,” Hua Cheng says louder. “What’s next, funding your kids’ education?”

“Why not, since she funds yours just for sleeping with her?”

Hua Cheng is about to stand up and throw her drink at her annoying ass sister when her father starts to say something. The sisters fall silent and wait.

“Why are you arguing?” Her father eventually asks, looking between the three of them. 

“We’re not, Baba,” Hua Cheng says without looking up. “Are you ready to go yet?”

It’s then she notices he hasn’t eaten a bite. 

.

She accompanies her girlfriend’s son to the airport and tells him if he doesn’t text the moment he gets home she’ll tell his mom. He does as told and Hua Cheng keeps quiet on the issue for the time being. The next evening, once it’s confirmed Jun Yuxi is out of the hospital, Hua Cheng travels to Hongqiao. Xie Lian waits for her at the door. 

“Jiejie…” She takes her hands, kissing them. Then, she’s kissing her, whispering apologies. But Xie Lian stays still. She lets her kiss her but only offers a small smile in return. 

Hua Cheng draws back. She decides not to ask. “Where is she?”

“In her room. She should be awake still.” Xie Lian shuts the door. She faces it for a long moment. “I’m… I’m really tired. She’ll need pain meds in a few hours so I’m just going to head on up to bed.”

“Alright. Is it okay if I join you a little later?”

Xie Lian grips the railing. “Yes, but… I’m really not in the mood for sex.”

Hua Cheng stares at her. “Of course not, jiejie. You’re exhausted, I would never–”

“I know, I just…” She shakes her head. “Goodnight.” And with that, she goes upstairs and closes her door very, very quietly. 

Hua Cheng waits a moment before following behind. She peeks into Jun Yuxi’s bedroom, lit by the starry nightlight projecting onto the ceiling. The girl lies quite still in her bed, the blankets halfway kicked off the bed. Hua Cheng gently tucks her in again. 

.

Xie Lian is clearly pretending to be asleep. She’s curled in on herself with the blanket nearly covering her entire face. 

Hua Cheng climbs into bed, keeping her distance until she hears just one shaky breath. “Jiejie–”

“I’m sorry, I’m just so overwhelmed.” She says shakily. When Hua Cheng touches her arm, she cries. “I … I have that presentation due on Tuesday morning and I haven’t even started yet. I’m not good at computer stuff as it is – I can’t even figure out how to change the color of the slide, and the slide design is worth half the points. He said it needs to be ‘interesting to look at’.” She laments. Hua Cheng hugs her back. “The project is a third of the grade. I asked for an extension – to present later in the week, to switch places with anyone . And he said he can’t give anyone special treatment. But I’m not asking for special treatment! What if my daughter was still in the hospital Tuesday morning, would I seriously be expected to still attend class? He spoke to me like I was just being lazy, unprofessional. Like it’s my fault this happened. Like… like people like me shouldn’t be in college.”

“I’m sorry, baobei,” Hua Cheng whispers, pressing a kiss to her shoulder. “But I’ll help you. I could have your slides done in under an hour if you show me your notes.”

Somehow, this makes her cry harder. She turns around and hugs Hua Cheng. “Thank you. I love you. I’m so tired I don’t even think I can say anything else.”

So Hua Cheng doesn’t tell her about catching her son in Beijing. Or ask whether she saw Jun Wu at the hospital earlier this week. She just lets her sleep. 

.

The next weekend, Hua Cheng has to put a raincheck on their time together again. In fairness, she’d stayed until Tuesday morning, helping Xie Lian with her project in time for the presentation. Monday morning found her spending two hours putting together the most visually pleasing Powerpoint that bastard teacher would ever see, and she spent the afternoon helping Xie Lian rehearse. She was passionate about her topic – just technologically impaired. Even without a Powerpoint she’d give Xie Lian more than 100% on her presentation, but she may be a bit biased, and not just because she received the best head of her life afterwards as well.

Her girlfriend is the literal best.

She defends her thesis on Wednesday and sleeps the rest of the day afterwards. She spends Thursday packing her apartment, thankful she doesn’t have to pack the furniture. She gets to Beijing at dinnertime Friday and spends the rest of the night helping her sisters with the cleanout of their father’s apartment. The man sits quietly by the TV and does not speak to any of them once. It’s hard to see and so Hua Cheng focuses on her work and nothing else. She goes out to get breakfast for everyone in the morning, far out of the way just to clear her head. She finds herself in midtown, near her childhood school. And that’s where, unbelievably, she almost hits her girlfriend’s son, entering the crosswalk with his head down, on his phone. Her horn is loud enough to make him drop his phone. 

Seriously, again? Her temper is barely held back as she orders him to get in. He does without protest. 

Hua Cheng grips the wheel. “What. The fuck.”

He actually looks a little surprised. “What?”

What ?” She wills herself to calm down a little before pulling into a drive thru. The poor cashier at the drive thru doesn’t deserve her temper, anyway. She orders enough for five people. Then, she’s quiet for half the ride back to her father’s before finally speaking. “You’ve left me no choice. You can’t… you can’t just casually hang out in Beijing alone. You’re not invincible.” She honestly hasn’t felt this angry in a long time. “You’re not . I grew up unsupervised on these streets. I got into a lot of bad situations, and don’t think it’s any different because you’re a boy. Or you’re rich. It makes no difference. You have to stop this.”

“OK, Mom.”

“No, take this shit seriously.” She snaps. “Because you lied yet again. You’re here alone– you’re not going to see any friends. And I swear to god, if you’re getting mixed up in illegal shit, it ends now. I will literally kidnap you and drag you back to your mom’s house, and don’t think I won’t.”

“Shouldn’t you be upset with her for not knowing where I am?”

“No, because she trusts you, and you’re abusing that trust. You’re better than that.”

“How do you know?”

She pulls into the parking garage at her father’s apartment complex. “I do. And today, you’re going to prove it. We’re packing up my dad’s apartment, cleaning it out for the next tenant. And we’re getting that security deposit back, so it’s gotta be spotless. So roll your sleeves up and get ready to work. I’ll get you on a flight home this evening. Again .”

Oddly enough, he doesn’t protest. He just follows her up to the apartment and trails behind her once she goes to the kitchen. Hua Cheng’s sisters don’t even ask at this point. They just start giving orders. Hua Cheng isn’t sure the kid has ever cleaned a day in his life, but he does a good job, and he’s fast. This gives her an idea, something she’ll bring up to Xie Lian when she sees her. 

***

They take a train together that evening instead. He insists he can go alone, but Hua Cheng insists on coming along anyway. This seems to greatly worry him. After an hour, he finally breaks, holding onto the seat. “Can you… please , not tell her where I was?”

Hua Cheng frowns. “No.”

This makes him even more nervous. He swears under his breath and looks out the window. 

“Unless you tell me where you actually went.”

“I’m just trying to figure some things out, alright?”

“Not good enough.”

“And why should you care? Even if it is dangerous, why should you care?”

“Because I care about you.”

“Well, you’d be the only one.” And she could tell he didn’t mean to say that by the panic in his eyes. She decides not to press. She knows that he knows how much his mom worries for him, does everything she can to make him happy. It’s insecurity talking. She knows it well. 

So she decides to be open. “This weekend was hard. I don’t think my dad will know who I am by the next time I see him. And it sucks. It fucking sucks.”

He looks at her. 

“It sucks because it shouldn’t be like this. My mom should be here to help us through this, but she left when I was eight and died not long after. I spent so many years being pissed at her. And now I am again, for something that wasn’t her fault. Mad at her for leaving, and mad at her for not coming back when we need her. And I’m mad at my father for the same reason. I’m mad at myself for not taking the opportunity to tell him this. For being so scared of facing reality.”

He doesn’t say anything, but he is listening. That’s a start. And if she’s not mistaken, she catches the brief glimmer of tears in his eyes. 

When they make it to Hongqiao, it’s late, nearing eleven o’clock. And it’s almost midnight when the cab drops them off in front of Xie Lian’s house. The lights are off. Hua Cheng knows the boy beside her is hoping he can go to bed without issue. Without telling her. And while Hua Cheng had debated waiting until morning, she is growing more concerned about him. So, she fully intends to tell her, no matter what her son thinks about it. 

But once he’s up in his room, she hears a strange noise coming from the studio - a room that once doubled as the guest bedroom for Hua Cheng for appearance’s sake. At this hour, no one should be in there. She errs on the side of caution, noting that the sound had suddenly gone quiet. But when she smelled the faintest trace of paint, she realized who might be in there. 

“Jiejie?”

“I’m here, San Niang.” Her voice is strained. When Hua Cheng rounds the corner, she finds Xie Lian by an easel. She rarely paints anymore, but it looks like she just finished up. From the looks of it, Xie Lian has also just finished crying. Before Hua Cheng can ask, she says, “I only got 72% on my presentation.”

What ?” 

She nods, continuing to twist one of her brushes around a white rag. “72%. The lowest in my class.”

“For your presentation? How is that even possible?”

“He did not give a rubric for feedback. He just said I seemed distracted and should have spent more time on my project.”

“That’s bullshit. Your work was thorough and informative. You had the whole thing memorized, front and back. Who’s his supervisor?”

“It’s not worth it,” Xie Lian stands, heading towards the kitchen to clean off her hands. “I’ll still pass the class. It doesn’t matter.” 

Hua Cheng follows her, fuming. “It does matter. That’s—”

“And I had to bring my daughter to school with me. I tried to find someone to watch her, I almost asked her good-for-nothing father when no one else could, but—”

“You didn’t ask me.” Hua Cheng realizes. “I could’ve, I mean… I’d have no problem staying an extra day.”

“No, I couldn’t have asked you.” 

She stiffens. “Why not?”

“Because I don’t want to burden you anymore.”

“But you’d ask him.” Hua Cheng counters. “The man who tried to kill you. You’d ask him and you told him about Yuxi being in the hospital when you said you only had time to call your mother.”

“He is her father, whether I like it or not,” Xie Lian says calmly. “And I didn’t speak to him. My mother told his mother. I never expected him to come.”

“But he did. He was there with you and you didn’t want me there.” 

Xie Lian draws in a breath. Eventually, she turns around, her face bright red. “And why would I ask you to be there, when you don’t want to be here in the first place?”

Hua Cheng just blinks at her. “What?”

“You weren’t at school. You weren’t working on your finals. You finished that project weeks ago. You told me back in May that it was done.”

“I–”

“I know you care about my kids, but you come here to see me, not them. So I didn’t want to burden you when I knew you were already fed up with us. And I didn’t tell you he was here because it didn’t matter. She asked to see him. I stepped out, and we didn’t say a word to each other except out of necessity. It was stiff and awkward but he was there all day with her and I knew if I told you that you’d be upset with me. Part of me wondered if you’d care about any of this at all.”

Hua Cheng hates that painful feeling in her throat when she fights back tears. So she lets them fall. “Where do you think I was? After all this time, do you think I'd really do something like that to you? After everything?"

Xie Lian is not unaffected by her tears. She blinks away some of her own, pointedly looking at the wall instead. “You don’t have to tell me. The point is, you didn’t want to be here. So maybe, moving forward, you and I can… can go somewhere else to—”

“Jiejie, stop.” Hua Cheng takes her hands. “I’d give up everything to be here with you and the kids. These past few weekends, I wasn’t where I said I was, but it had nothing to do with not wanting to be here. I was dealing with family issues in Beijing.”

“Then why didn’t you just tell me?” Xie Lian pulls away, looking for something to distract herself. She decides on clearing off the counters, plates clattering loudly in the sink.

“Because I’m not ready to talk about it. I’ve been avoiding facing reality. Of telling you things I know I should tell you. And it seems like you might be in the same situation, since you’ve known all along.”

Xie Lian opens the cabinet above her head and pulls out two tea cups. The kettle’s been on for God knows how long. “Do you want any?”

“Your son’s been going to Beijing every weekend. Maybe more than that.”

Her hands tremble as she pours the tea. 

“I didn’t tell you the first time. I thought he wouldn’t do it again now that he was caught, but he did. He won’t say what he’s going there for.”

Xie Lian sits down at the kitchen table. She holds the cup with both hands and stares at its contents. “I know,” she says eventually. “When we were in the hospital, his father asked if I knew where the regular charges from the bullet train and local airport were coming from. I didn’t answer – but I figured it out. And I found out where he’s been going. And that you’ve run into him twice now and made sure he got home. I appreciate that.”

“He wouldn’t tell me what he was there for. It’s not like it’s a quick trip.”

“There’s still stuff at the old penthouse. I’ve left it vacant all this time, but I didn’t sell it because there was some legal delay in the division of assets anyway. And now he’s been using it. I have an inkling of why, but I don’t know for sure. I’m going to talk to him about it tomorrow. Now that I’m done with school, I can focus on everyone else I’ve apparently been neglecting.” 

Hua Cheng slides into the chair beside her. “You’re doing your best. But you can’t do it all.” 

Xie Lian sinks her head against her arms and stays there. “That’s just it, San Niang. I’m so afraid that’s not going to be enough. That I’m not enough. I’m only one person and I can’t be who everyone needs me to be all at once. I can’t even be your proper girlfriend, and every time I have to cut things short with you, turn down a date night or get too tired to stay up and wait for you I just… I just think, what if this isn’t our forever? What if you grow tired of me, or we fall out of love, or it just… doesn’t work? I think that’s what I’m scared of most of all – of it just not working. I’ve been married before and it was the mother of all shitshows but nobody goes into that sort of thing thinking it’ll turn out that way. You think it’ll work, it has to work. And then it just doesn’t. And you don’t know what the fuck to do about it because there’s just too many things at stake. And…” She blows out a breath, “And I can’t do that again. I can’t lose you like that, because I’m never going to stop loving you, and if I lose you, that’s it. There’s nothing else.” 

“Lose me? Jiejie, I can’t even imagine a lifetime where I don’t love you with everything in me. I’m not going anywhere. Even if we didn’t resolve anything and fought for a year, you couldn’t get rid of me.”

“I was worried about what would happen once you graduated,” Xie Lian admits, “that you wouldn’t want to move in with me. That maybe I’m fun to be with on occasion, but not in a serious, permanent type of way. I know you don’t really feel that way, but…”

Hua Cheng is honestly shocked Xie Lian feels that way. Sure, they hadn’t specifically talked about living together, but she thought it had been implied. “We’ve been together for two years. We share our triumphs, and it’s time we started sharing our hardships too. Let me in.” She lowers her head to look at her. “And maybe you’re afraid of doing that completely. Of me, potentially, being more than just your girlfriend. Because you know, if I were a man and I’d moved in, I’d be considered a parental figure, right? That’s how society sees it. And that’s how it should be. Let me help you.”

Xie Lian raises her head. “You… want to be their stepfather?” There’s a glint of mischief in her eyes. Hua Cheng pokes her nose. “You know what I mean.”

Xie Lian smiles. She gets up from the chair and takes Hua Cheng with her. “It’s no easy job, you know. I wanted you to keep your freedom as long as possible.”

“It was inevitable. And besides, there’s no better kids to take on as my own.”

She agrees. “But I want you to be absolutely sure, San Niang. Even if you want to live here from now on, you don’t have to take on that commitment—”

“I’m absolutely sure, jiejie. I’ve been sure since we started properly dating.  I just didn’t want to invite myself to move into your house.”

Xie Lian wraps her arms around Hua Cheng’s neck. “I’m pretty sure I was the one who asked you back then anyway.”

Just before they kiss, Hua Cheng says, “I’m sorry I lied to you. Even if I didn’t want to talk about it, I shouldn’t have done that. You don’t deserve that.”

“I will respect your privacy, San Niang. You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not comfortable with. And I didn’t think you were cheating or anything— I just thought you wanted a break.”

“I actually miss you more than ever.”

She hugs her, head against her chest. “And I’m sorry I’ve been distant lately too. Now that school’s let out, I’ll do better.”

“You’re already the best you can be.”

.

They are able to sleep in a bit the next morning. Hua Cheng loves waking up to her girlfriend nestled in the crook of her arm, loves waking her with soft kisses to her shoulder. She hugs her soft stomach under the covers and watches the sunrise through the windows. 

“I love you.”

Xie Lian smiles into her pillow. “I’m so lucky to call you mine.”

Hua Cheng's hand slides up her body, coming to rest between her breasts. She waits a beat before her other hand slides downwards, coming to rest at her pelvis. "You're still so tense, love. How can I help you relax?"

She clenches her thighs. "You can... you can use your hands, like this. It's good." She waits a beat before continuing, "Um, but first, San Niang... the thing you're dealing with... it's not related to something I did, right? And you're not in any trouble?"

"No, angel. You're perfect. And I'm not in trouble. It's actually related to my family, and there's not anything you can or even I can do about it, so please don't worry."

"You know I would do anything for you, right?" Xie Lian turns her head to look at her. "Anything at all. You just have to ask."

Hua Cheng considers this before kissing her. She thinks she eventually asks if Xie Lian will help take her mind off everything for a little while. Xie Lian just spreads her legs and tells her she can have anything she wants. 

And honestly, it's just what she needs. A tit in her mouth, fingers buried deep inside the woman she loves - her head is empty but of adoration for her beloved. Their bodies move together slowly, and Hua Cheng worships her with a gentle reverence. I don't know how I could function without you, she almost says. There was the briefest moment last night when she thought Xie Lian would send her out - that she wanted a break. And it was terrifying. She's grown so accustomed to them being together that the thought something could pull them apart was... unspeakable. She needs her. She needs this. Stability. Support. Love. 

God, things have been so stressful. She really just needed to be loved. She needs this to be her everyday. And she'll do anything to make that happen. 

When Xie Lian's alarm goes off for a medicine reminder, they finally finish. And, after another minute or two of cuddling, Xie Lian says, “I have a hot shower calling our names.”

“I’ll be there in two minutes.”

.

Breakfast is a little late this morning, and it's partly because Xie Lian keeps looking at Hua Cheng like that while she's trying to cook. And every time she does, Hua Cheng has to stop what she's doing and kiss her for it. Eventually, they're forced apart by two hungry kids, but the looks don't stop. Hua Cheng just has to maintain an incredible amount of self control.

After breakfast, she's started cleaning up the kitchen when Xie Lian finally walks away, allowing for a bit more breathing room in the self-control department. She cleans the entire kitchen, because cleaning keeps her mind off of other things. Eventually, the front door bangs shut and in comes Jun Haoxuan, hair still wet from diving practice. Normally, he thunders straight up to his room, but today he lingers by the table, drumming his fingers against the table until Hua Cheng has to ask if there's something he wants. 

"So you can say no whenever, but I have a big favor to ask you."

She blinks at him in surprise. "That would be a first. I'm mildly concerned."

He looks a little embarrassed, but wills himself to go on. “I just… I know Mom’s going to Beijing next weekend with you, before you fly out to Europe. But I was wondering if I could go there one more time… tomorrow… if you’re willing to go with me.”

This is  a first. “You want me to go with you? Not your mom?”

“I think she needs a break.”

“I think you should talk to her first.”

“Even if I do, she can’t come with me.”

Hua Cheng goes out on a whim. “This is about your father.”

“Yes.” He almost seems relieved that she’s finally picked up on it. 

“And you don’t want to put her in that position,” she continues, “when she’s already stressed.”

“You’ve got it.”

She pauses. “You’re going to tell her this though, right? I’m not going behind her back.”

“I’ll tell her what she needs to know.”

***

A few days later, Xie Lian drops them off at the airport. Her eight year old watches unhappily from inside the car, very much wishing to come along, but she’s technically still on bedrest. Hua Cheng promises to bring her back a treat. 

Before she can leave, Xie Lian pulls her close and whispers, “Don’t hesitate to call the whole thing off if he doesn’t listen to you. I’ll have one of his grandparents come get him if need be.”

“He’ll listen,” Hua Cheng replies with confidence. “And I’ll have him keep you updated on everything.”

Xie Lian nods. “And… and just so you know, I don’t doubt your parenting capabilities or anything like that. I just know that he’s stubborn. Difficult at times. And–”

“Jiejie?” She takes her hands and kisses them. “I got this. Seriously. You have nothing to worry about.” 

.

“Do you think it’s wrong to hate people?” 

They are in first class on a quiet flight. Hua Cheng had been staring down at a blank page of her notebook for half an hour before he spoke to her. “I think ‘hate’ is overused. But true hate, I would say it depends on whether that act of hating someone does you any good.”

He looks out the window. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it doesn’t feel good to hate someone. Hating a concept, like homophobia, that’s one thing. But hating a person, one you actually know, even if it’s justified, it just doesn’t make you feel good inside.”

“I think I’m starting to understand that.”

“I hated my mom for most of my life. But as I got older, I realized, why am I wasting all this time and energy hating someone who’s gone? Someone who clearly didn’t care this much about me. I realized I deserved better.”

“So you stopped hating her?”

“I think I just stopped caring. Some say that’s worse.” She studies him. “How about you? Do you hate anyone that much?”

“I want to hate my dad. For what he did to her. To all of us. For the fact that every last memory of mine is just a lie. My mom was forced to be there and my dad was hurting her and didn't care about any of us. Everything I thought I knew is just a fucking lie, so yeah, I think I should hate him for that."

Hua Cheng does hate him. She’s only ever seen him for what he truly is, and was never acquainted with his alleged kinder, docile side. However, for a child who grew up seeing him in a totally different light, she can imagine that being quite difficult. And she suddenly realizes that’s exactly how she feels about her own father. Because of that, she can’t think of a thing to say but, “I understand.”

“I don’t get people with old fashioned views. They really thought the worst case scenario was a kid out of wedlock? Seriously? So they drag themselves and two kids through all of that shit just to look better ?”

Hua Cheng scoffs and says in a mock-posh voice, “Appearances are very important, my boy.”

He rolls his eyes. “It sounds like a load of shit. I’m never going to worry about that kind of thing. Just do what you want.”

“For the most part, I agree,” Hua Cheng says. “So, what are we going to Beijing for? I don’t need to follow you around the whole time, but I’d like to know where we’re going.”

“It won’t take long. You can wait in the lobby and I’ll be back in five minutes. Most of that is just the elevator ride up.”

“This is your dad’s new place, right?”

“My grandmother’s. His mother.”

“Okay. I take it I wouldn’t be welcome inside?”

He tilts his head. “No, but who would want to go in there? I hate my grandmother’s house.”

.

Hua Cheng hates it there too. At least the woman lets her in. Half of her expected to be refused entry into the building. But she’s here, and she’s offered tea before being left alone while the woman goes to take a call in the other room. 

This woman, Xie Lian’s former mother-in-law, doesn’t have much family left. She never remarried after her divorce more than thirty years ago. Her son spent most of his youth split between households, in legal trouble, or halfway across the world. She rarely saw her grandchildren. Yet judging by the photos covering the living room wall, she loves them very much. Xie Lian is in some of the pictures too, much younger. There’s a lovely photo of her in a gingham dress lounged in a garden somewhere. Hua Cheng reaches out and touches the glass. 

“Do you want to keep that one?” the grandmother asks, startling her. 

Hua Cheng turns around. “Oh. I just… it’s a lovely photo. I couldn’t help but admire it.”

“I should probably have taken it down by now,” She says, a trace of sheepishness in her voice, “but it’s my best one of her. She was at her happiest.”

“When was this?”

She carefully takes the photo off the wall and turns it over, checking the date. “About five years ago, when she went away for six months to get better. My son didn’t care for it and it would’ve ended up thrown away if I hadn’t noticed it.” She steps back to admire the other photos. “I’ll be leaving this place soon enough. Downsizing. If there’s any other photos you want with her in them, take as many as you like.”

Hua Cheng has just taken a second photo down when a door upstairs slams shut. She quickly plucks a third before a teenage boy storms past her, out of the apartment. She offers an apologetic smile before hurrying after him. She catches him just before the elevator closes. “Can we give a heads up before–”

With trembling hands, he pulls on his headphones, but he drops his phone before he can play music. And when he stoops down to grab it, he does not get back up. 

“Let’s go get something to eat. We don’t have to talk.”

.

They sit on the curb by her father’s nursing home with takeout. He’s been crying the whole time, but she hasn’t said anything about it. She just ordered food and sat him down here. That’s what her father would do when she wasn’t feeling okay. Growing up showed her that maybe he was having a bad day too and didn’t feel like cooking dinner. Or maybe he knew that it would cheer her up to get out of the house. It’s hard to say.

After a long time, he finally asks, “Is it okay if I go in with you?”

“Of course. I’m sure my dad will appreciate the company. Do you want to go in now?”

So in they go. One of the nurses says her father is not in his room. There was an issue with a leaky toilet in one of the other residents’ rooms, and he was determined to repair it. They find him just as he’s taken off the top, an old cardboard box with a screwdriver and wrench at his feet. 

“Hey Baba,” Hua Cheng stands by the door. “They’ve called a repairman, you know. You don’t have to fix it.”

“Waste of money,” he replies. “I’ll be finished in a minute, A-Xiu.”

“No, Baba. Do I really look so much like my sister? I must be getting old…” She sits on the side of the sink. “I’ve brought someone with me. Can you stop that for a minute and meet him?”

He glances in their direction. “I already have.”

“You remember me?” The boy asks, surprised. 

“You’re the son of that rich lady my daughter goes out with. You showed me how to change the TV input with the remote.”

“Yeah,” he laughs quietly. “I did. That was a long time ago.”

He spares him another glance. “I would say so. You are much taller than before.” He begins gently poking at the inner mechanisms of the toilet. “This place could use such an overhaul. But that’s expensive.”

“It is.” She gives him a once-over. “You seem like you’re doing well today, Baba. Do you want to take a walk with us?”

“I’m working right now, young lady.”

“Baba.” Her voice is firm, as though scolding, “Tell me who I am.”

He stays quiet. 

“Even if you don’t remember, just tell me. Maybe you do remember who I am but can’t find the words. Either way, just… just talk to me, Baba. Say something.”

He replaces the toilet lid. The water has stopped running. “That should do it,” he avoids her eyes and reaches for a hand towel. She rips it down. “Why won’t you talk to me?” 

Finally, he looks at her. Well, in truth, it’s like he’s looking through her. She balls her fists. She feels like a kid again.

But Jun Haoxuan speaks up before she can, “How did you know how to fix that?” 

He merely shrugs, a carefree smile. 

“I noticed one of the doors to a room seemed really loose. Maybe you could show me how to fix it?”

Hua Cheng falls back and watches the two of them leave. There’s still so much she wants to say. Wants to question him about. But she has the feeling that it’ll never happen. At least not in the way she wants it to. 

A few months ago, she and her sisters were going through some of their father’s belongings. They happened to find a diary of their mother’s from almost thirty years ago, where she lamented of her loveless marriage, her husband’s abuse when under the influence of alcohol, and her unwanted pregnancies. The man she described as her husband and the man Hua Cheng grew up knowing could not possibly be the same person. But they were. This was confirmed on her next visit with him. He had been drinking. He called his daughter his wife’s name. He said horrible, disgusting things. She shoved him to the ground and swore she’d never speak to him again. 

He’d forgotten about it by the time he woke up later that day. 

Her oldest sister confirmed his behaviors as true- a regular occurrence in his younger years. Their father came from a family of alcoholics. He tried to stay sober, but he couldn’t manage stress in a healthy way. So any time they were tight on money, he drank. Their mother was confrontational. She hated him when he drank. Their fights seldom became physical, but it was enough to separate them. That is, until her mother found out she was pregnant for the third time. She thought about running off with the baby and leaving her other daughters behind, but she didn’t. She waited eight more miserable years with the man before she couldn’t take it anymore. And Hua Cheng never knew about any of it. 

There were times in her youth that her father was distant. He worked nearly constantly, but he never checked in on her. She had to raise herself once her sisters left. And she wants to ask him if he regrets treating her mother that way, because of what it did to his children. She wonders if any fathers consider that. 

.

They return to the penthouse that evening and will take a flight back home in the morning. On the ride up, Jun Haoxuan asks, “You really love my mom, don’t you?”

It's the first time either of Xie Lian's kids have asked. Her answer comes quick. “I do.”

“And my sister and I… you don’t mind us, right?”

“You’re my two favorite kids on this planet.”

“Even after all the things I’ve said?”
“I know you were hurting. People say terrible things when they’re hurt.” 

“Doesn’t make it right.” He stuffs his hands into his front pockets. “Look, I don’t want to be like my dad. But it’s hard… to deal with everything. To say it out loud. And sometimes it’s easier to just say something hurtful than to deal with it.”

Hua Cheng nods. They step off the elevator. 

“I can’t promise I’ll never disagree with you. Get annoyed with you. Or my mom. I’m fifteen, it’s almost promised I will.”

“I know. But you do have the responsibility, you know. Of breaking the cycle. Of doing better than the men that came before you. You can disagree with people without hurting them. And if you need space, you can just say it." God, Hua Cheng realizes just how much she sounds like a mother right now. He seems to be taking it well enough, at least. 

“All of this was because of my dad. That’s why I had to see him today. I decided I’d tell him… 'I don’t want you to die. If you care about us, fight harder to stay alive'. But I realized, after spending time with your dad, you can’t stop death. It’ll happen no matter how tightly you hold onto someone. There's no sense in begging, either. So… instead of telling him that, I just said… ‘I don’t hate you’. I think he needed to hear that. I don't know if it was true, and if it is I don’t know if that would hurt my mom either. I just didn't want him to die holding onto that thought.”

“I don’t think it would hurt her,” Hua Cheng says. “Being able to let go of your hate and process everything – that’s all she could want for you.”

“Will you do that too? Let go of the hate you feel for your parents?”

She draws in a breath. “I… I want to. It’s just not that easy.”

“I know. I’m still working on it too.”

“Maybe we could help each other?”

“Yeah.”

She opens her bag. “I saved this from your grandma’s. I thought a lot about what you said – about knowing a different man than your mom did, a totally different life? Maybe it is a good thing to remember those good parts of him. Accepting that there was good and bad. Condoning his faults but admiring his values. All things considered, I… I really don’t think he hated you. I think he hated himself for everything that happened and took that out on you, because you reminded him of himself.”

It's a photo from about ten years ago, after Jun Haoxuan's first swim meet. His mom holds him with his ugly bowl cut and wide grin and missing front teeth, and his dad holds up his first place ribbon. He'd written 'First of Many' on it.  

“So let yourself feel what you need to. Judge him for his wrongdoings. But don’t let that hate consume you, turn you cold. Remember the times that made you happy. You're a good person and he knows that. He’s paying for what he did. My dad is too. It’s not our job to concern ourselves with that. You, or myself… shouldn’t make ourselves suffer waiting for that to happen.”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to talk to him again,” he says. “I’ll never forgive him for what he did back then. But I said what I needed to. That’s all there is to it.”

“I wish I could do the same,” Hua Cheng says. “But somehow I don’t think it’ll make a difference. I just want to focus on the present – the good things in the present.”

“Mom says you’re moving in with us,” he says. “That means you’re family now.” He smiles at her. “So you’ll need to put up some pictures too.” 

“I’ll have to ask my sister.” 

Then, after a minute, “Would this make you my step-mom? I never thought I’d have one of those.”

“They get a bad rap,” Hua Cheng agrees. 

“Kind of cool having two moms. Not many people can say that. Endless ‘your mom’ jokes, though.”

“That’s right. You could just think of me as an aunt, then.”

“No, it’s okay. I can handle a few jokes in exchange for you.”

.

They return to the nursing home the next morning for a brief visit. Hua Cheng gives her father his old tool box. Granted, most of the tools are gone now, but at least he won't have to carry around a box anymore. He smiles and pats her cheek. 

Before leaving, she asks him if he thinks she's a good person. 

He says she is. He hopes they'll meet again. 

She says she'll come back for the holidays. 

***

“We’re home!” Hua Cheng says for the first time, heart tight in her chest. This is home. Her home. 

“I’ll be right there!” Xie Lian calls from upstairs. The vacuum is running. 

Hua Cheng sets her bag down by the door and removes her shoes. “I think I’m about to crash. Let’s see if we can convince your mom to stop cleaning.”

“She’s the type to vacuum under your bed while you’re asleep, so you might want to get used to it.”

"She'd have to vacuum me up." Hua Cheng stops just shy of the stairs, noticing a certain child standing at the very top, her arms folded across her chest. "Ah, yes. I didn't forget your treat, Yuxi."

"Not that," the girl says with mock impatience. "Mama told me something very interesting."

Hua Cheng pauses on the bottom step. "That so?"

And in a matter of seconds, there is a very enthusiastic child in her arms, having leapt there from the fourth step, "YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE WITH US NOW!? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I was just so busy -!"
"NO EXCUSES!"

Her brother pries her off of Hua Cheng. "Mom says you're not supposed to jump around like that until you're better."

"I feel better! Well! Almost better. I'm still mad at you for not telling me!"

Hua Cheng promises to make it up to her as soon as she's better. Her gaze is drawn to her girlfriend at the top of the steps, still in her PJs and a messy bun, but quite possibly never looking so beautiful. She can't help but stare. 

Jun Yuxi looks from Hua Cheng to her mom, and then back again. "Auntie, I think you and Mama should get married."

And Hua Cheng does not hesitate to respond, "Yeah, I think we should."

Xie Lian just covers her face in embarrassment. Behind her hands, though, she is beaming. 

Notes:

whew ;) this one goes out to all the kids with divorced parents and complicated childhoods!

Thanks for reading if you made it this far! <3 I appreciate all the new readers of carmen and hope this one shot hurt as much as the main fic <3<3<3

one day i'll post the vacation one shot that's hiding in my drafts, but if this one flops it'll live on only in my memory.

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