Chapter Text

ACT I

SCENE I. A desert place.

Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches

First Witch

When shall we three meet again

In thunder, lightning, or in rain?

Second Witch

When the hurlyburly's done,

When the battle's lost and won.

Third Witch

That will be ere the set of sun.

First Witch

Where the place?

Second Witch

Upon the heath.

Third Witch

There to meet with Macbeth.

First Witch

Meowing offstage

 Graymalkin! Relax! I'm coming now.

Second Witch

Paddock, my froggy boy, calls.

Third Witch

Anon. Wait, what are you?

ALL

Fair is foul, and foul is fair:

Hover through the fog and filthy air.

Exeunt

SCENE II. A camp near Forres.

Trumpets and fighting noises off stage. Enter DUNCAN, MALCOLM, DONALBAIN, LENNOX, with Attendants, meeting a bleeding Sergeant

DUNCAN

What is this guy doing? Well, as he is bleeding, he gotta have the latest tea about the battle * Rubs hands together*

MALCOLM

Yoooo, here is my dude! Battling it out of the field *goes for a high-five, gets blood on him and wipes his hand with disgust on his face* ewwww, ok spill the tea.

Sergeant

My homies, it can CARNAGE out there. Turns out bro Macdonwald - - Worthy to be a rebel, he was CA-PING hard. Liar to us all. Real sus, not gonna lie.

BUT, as i am bleeding out to death, you know, our real one, our HOMIE,  brave Macbeth--well he deserves that name. BOYS you wish you could have seen it. Wait. I learnt some new words, lemme try them out. Mac B got him real good .*pulls out piece of paper*

Till he faced the slave;

Which ne'er shook hands, nor bade farewell to him,

Till he unseam'd him from the nave to the chaps,

And fix'd his head upon our battlements.

DUNCAN

Damn, you've been reading recently? *he nods* Well, great tea man, T Y S M

Sergeant

But wait, there’s more. Imposter Macdonwald makes more problems for us. Freaking Norwiegns came after., y’know viking with the GRRRRR. With fresh troops and weapons,

DUNCAN

Yo duuuuude, how did Banquo and Mac B take that.

Sergeant

Yes; BUT This was like a new level of Mario for them. Swinging blades they were sweating twice as hard, like in old style arcade, Galaga and Pac-man. * pauses * Dudes, I have lost an incredible amount of blood. Imma need to be patched up *faints dramatically*

DUNCAN

Welp. Honour, fam. 

Enter ROSS

Yo, who is this fella?

MALCOLM

Yo yo yo, it's my boy ROSS!!!! *Dabs him up Ross is slow to react*

LENNOX

What a haste looks through his eyes! So should he look

That seems to speak things strange.

ROSS

God save the king!

DUNCAN

Boy, where did you come from?

ROSS

Just came from Fife, my dude. The Norweigians were coming full send, with armies up their sleevies *pause, no one laughs* sigh. But When our boy, Macbeth, came over the hills, the vikings wet themselves. We were victorious

DUNCAN

Oh JOY!

Stupid (Mocking) “Thane of Cawdor.” Well, go give it to Macbeth? I am sure no harm can come from it! *chuckles grandly*

ROSS

I'll see it done.

DUNCAN

What they lost, Mac B won, the champ!

Exit all.

SCENE III. A heath near Forres.

Thunder. Enter the three Witches

First Witch

Where hast thou been, sister?

Second Witch

Killing swine, Slaughtering pig *poses* —->

Third Witch

Sigh. Sister, where thou?

First Witch

Sorry gang, I just had the craziest run in with a sailor, his wife and rats. And there were nuts. Chestnuts.

Second Witch

You want a sail? I got a spare in… somewhere

First Witch

Very kind of you. Bless.

Third Witch

Yo I have one too.

First and Second Witch

Shut UP!

First Witch

I got all that I needed. *Witch 2 nods* I cursed him, so he is going to die a painful death,that pesky sailor. But the boat is really strong tho. Wait look what I got!

Second Witch

Show me, show me.

First Witch

*Pulls out thumb, 3rd witch scared* HA! I got his thumb! *Waggles it, 3rd witched disgusted*

Drum within

Third Witch

A drum, a drum!

Macbeth doth come.

ALL

The weird sisters, hand in hand,

Posters of the sea and land,

Thus do go about, about:

Thrice to thine and thrice to mine

And thrice again, to make up nine.

*3rd witch laughs* 

First and Second Witch

SHUT. UP

All

the charm's wound up.

ME MA MOO MOP *Weird dances/dabs/poses

Enter MACBETH and BANQUO

MACBETH

So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

BANQUO

How far is it to King D’s castle, Forres?  *Sees the witches, shock*

Yo, how are these hags? Where did they get their clothing? Funky. You guys aliens? *Does the wave thing* *Faces the witches*

Are you guys zombies or alive? You seem to speak-a my language. You should be women,

And yet your beards forbid me to interpret

That you are so.

MACBETH

Speak, if you can: what are you?

BANQUO

¿hablas inglés?

First Witch

All hail, Macbeth! hail to thee, thane of Glamis!

Second Witch

All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, thane of Cawdor!

Third Witch

All hail, Macbeth, thou shalt be king hereafter!

BANQUO

*To Macbeth* My esteemed gentle-bro, Why are you scared dude? THese are awesome things!!! You gonna be King :D

But for real, why have you told him these things, you know it's going to start his crazy imagination? He is rapt with awe. Awwwwwww, what about me? You only speak to him, *The witches glare at him* Wait, I’m not here to make enemies…nor lovers, right Macbeth? *Nudges, Macbeth is silent*

First Witch

Hail!

Second Witch

Hail!

Third Witch

Hail!

First Witch

Lesser than Macbeth, and greater.

Second Witch

Not so happy, yet much happier.

Third Witch

Thou shalt get kings, though thou be none:

So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

First Witch

Banquo and Macbeth, all hail!

MACBETH

Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more:

By Sinel's death I know I am thane of Glamis;

But how of Cawdor? the thane of Cawdor lives,

A prosperous gentleman; and to be king

Stands not within the prospect of belief,

No more than to be Cawdor. Say from whence

You owe this strange intelligence? or why

Upon this blasted heath you stop our way

With such prophetic greeting? Speak, I charge you.

Witches vanish, cackling

BANQUO

These guys must have come from bubbles? Like earth?

MACBETH

Into the air; and what seem'd corporal melted

As breath into the wind. Would they had stay'd!

BANQUO

Were such things here as we do speak about?

Or was there some funky lettuce that was in our guns?

MACBETH

Your children shall be kings.

BANQUO

You shall be king. *finger guns*

MACBETH

And thane of Cawdor too: went it not so?

BANQUO

That’s what she said. Who’s there? *Karate pose*

Enter ROSS and ANGUS

ROSS

The king heard the news Macbeth,

of your success; He is lowkey dead silent. High key singing praises. He became a stunned mullet at the fact that you found an imposter and fought an army! And you weren’t afraid of death * Wink Wink* wink wink. So many real ones brought good news for you, dude!

ANGUS

We are sent to give you a big thanks from our homie the king. Says your a real one, even though he had to stay at the castle

ROSS

And, for an earnest of a greater honor, he wanted me to give you this! *Hands him birthday sash* Wait wrong one, how about this * Hands Macbeth the right one*

BANQUO

What, can the devil speak true?

MACBETH

The thane of Cawdor lives: why do you dress me

In borrow'd robes?

ANGUS

Oh my goodness. You don’t know?!? Well the old one was Mega-sus, and so you know we * Neck slice thing* Krrrr, killed him.

MACBETH

[Aside] Glamis, and thane of Cawdor!

The greatest is behind.

To ROSS and ANGUS

Thanks for your pains.

To BANQUO

Do you not hope your children shall be kings,

When those that gave the thane of Cawdor to me

Promised no less to them?

BANQUO

I think they were just high. But no cap for real for real, The crown may be BOB place in your head. But it’s strange: And oftentimes, to win us to our harm,

The instruments of darkness tell us truths,

Win us with honest trifles, to betray's

In deepest consequence.

MACBETH

Woah, sick words

BANQUO

Gang, real quick chit chat

MACBETH

[Aside] Two truths are told,

As happy prologues to the swelling act

Of the imperial theme.--I thank you, gentlemen.

Aside

Cannot be ill, cannot be good: if ill,

Why hath it given me earnest of success,

Commencing in a truth? I am thane of Cawdor:

If good, why do I yield to that suggestion

Whose horrid image doth unfix my hair

And make my seated heart knock at my ribs,

Against the use of nature? Present fears

Are less than horrible imaginings:

My thought, whose murder yet is but fantastical,

Shakes so my single state of man that function

Is smother'd in surmise, and nothing is

But what is not.

BANQUO

Guys look! Mac B’s head is in the clouds! * Air Horn*

MACBETH

[Aside] If chance will have me king, why, chance may crown me,

Without my stir.

BANQUO

Macbeth needs a bit of time for him to don that drip.

MACBETH

[Aside] Come what come may,

Time and the hour runs through the roughest day.

BANQUO

Worthy Macbeth, we stay upon your leisure * Chivarolous bow*

MACBETH

Give me your favour: my dull brain was wrought

With things forgotten. Kind gentlemen, your pains

Are register'd where every day I turn

The leaf to read them. Let us toward the king.

Think upon what hath chanced, and, at more time,

The interim having weigh'd it, let us speak

Our free hearts each to other.

BANQUO

Very gladly.

MACBETH

Till then, enough. Come, friends.

Exeunt

SCENE IV. Forres. The palace.

Flourish. Enter DUNCAN, MALCOLM, DONALBAIN, LENNOX, and Attendants

DUNCAN

Did that idiot Cawdor die yet? Who’s in charge of the murder? *winks*

MALCOLM

My dude, they haven’t come back yet, but one who saw it spilled the beans, he confessed and everything! *Mind Blowing* Yeah, he gone!

DUNCAN

You never can tell who the imposter might be from their faces. So tell me what is this foreshadowing- *Gets interrupted by Macbeth coming in*

Enter MACBETH, BANQUO, ROSS, and ANGUS

My trusted homie!! Show me some True Blue How Do You Do man love!!! Stop being too awesome too fast like Lightning McQueen 

* Everyone makes car noises*

Oh yeah, I made that a law, you have to do that at the mention of Lightning McQueen

* Everyone makes car noises*

I feel as if I am capping big time for not being more amazed by you. You keep doing so good that the kindness boomerang I learnt when I was a wee little boy does not come around fast enough.

MACBETH

The service and the loyalty I owe,

In doing it, pays itself. Your highness' part

Is to receive our duties; and our duties

Are to your throne and state children and servants,

Which do but what they should, by doing every thing

Safe toward your love and honor.

DUNCAN

You know you are always welcome in my home. Me casa su casa. I can’t wait to see what you will grow into in the future like a little flower.

*Turns to Banquo* And you my dear boy, you have done well *Boops Banquo on the nose* Hug time

And hold thee to my heart.

BANQUO

Well, if I grow a like a big wheat harvest, it will benefit your kingdom.

DUNCAN

Dudes, stop, I'm about to start CR-Y-ING! 

Alright gang, here’s the dealio, Our eldest, Malcolm, will be the heir when I die! Prince of Cumberland for now and king later! So show some respect!

MACBETH

The rest is labour, which is not used for you:

I'll be myself the harbinger and make joyful

The hearing of my wife with your approach;

So humbly take my leave.

DUNCAN

Good man, you are Cawdor!

MACBETH

[Aside] The Prince of Cumberland! that is a step

On which I must fall down, or else o'erleap,

For in my way it lies. Stars, hide your fires;

Let not light see my black and deep desires:

The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be,

Which the eye fears, when it is done, to see.

Exit

DUNCAN

Yeah I'm catching you drift Banquo. Incredibly heroic. Hope that won’t go downhill. Alright let’s make like Mario and LETSA GO

Flourish. Exeunt

SCENE V. Inverness. Macbeth's castle.

Enter LADY MACBETH, reading a letter

LADY MACBETH

'They met me in the day of success: and I have

learned by the perfectest report, they have more in

them than mortal knowledge. When I burned in desire

to question them further, they made themselves air,

into which they vanished. Whiles I stood rapt in

the wonder of it, came missives from the king, who

all-hailed me 'Thane of Cawdor;' by which title,

before, these weird sisters saluted me, and referred

me to the coming on of time, with 'Hail, king that

shalt be!' This have I thought good to deliver

thee, my dearest partner of greatness, that thou

mightst not lose the dues of rejoicing, by being

ignorant of what greatness is promised thee. Lay it

to thy heart, and farewell.'

Glamis thou art, and Cawdor; and shalt be

What thou art promised: yet do I fear thy nature;

It is too full o' the milk of human kindness

To catch the nearest way: thou wouldst be great;

Art not without ambition, but without

The illness should attend it: what thou wouldst highly,

That wouldst thou holily; wouldst not play false,

And yet wouldst wrongly win: thou'ldst have, great Glamis,

That which cries 'Thus thou must do, if thou have it;

And that which rather thou dost fear to do

Than wishest should be undone.' Hie thee hither,

That I may pour my spirits in thine ear;

And chastise with the valour of my tongue

All that impedes thee from the golden round,

Which fate and metaphysical aid doth seem

To have thee crown'd withal.

Enter a Messenger

What is your tidings?

Messenger

YOOO Lady-Mac-B!!! Your husband is coming tonight. We’re gonna have a wild party.

LADY MACBETH

Thou'rt mad to say it:

Is not thy master with him? who, were't so,

Would have inform'd for preparation.

Messenger

Woman, *Hand on shoulder* I don’t lie, one of our boys who did track and field, ran ahead with the message. He needed some gatorade fast.

LADY MACBETH

Give him tending;

He brings great news.

Exit Messenger

The raven himself is hoarse

That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan

Under my battlements. Come, you spirits

That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,

And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full

Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood;

Stop up the access and passage to remorse,

That no compunctious visitings of nature

Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between

The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,

And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,

Wherever in your sightless substances

You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,

And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,

That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,

Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,

To cry 'Hold, hold!'

Enter MACBETH

Great Glamis! worthy Cawdor!

Greater than both, by the all-hail hereafter!

Thy letters have transported me beyond

This ignorant present, and I feel now

The future in the instant.

MACBETH

My dearest love,

Duncan comes here to-night.

LADY MACBETH

And when goes hence?

MACBETH

To-morrow, as he purposes.

LADY MACBETH

O, never

Shall sun that morrow see!

Your face, my thane, is as a book where men

May read strange matters. To beguile the time,

Look like the time; bear welcome in your eye,

Your hand, your tongue: look like the innocent flower,

But be the serpent under't. He that's coming

Must be provided for: and you shall put

This night's great business into my dispatch;

Which shall to all our nights and days to come

Give solely sovereign sway and masterdom.

MACBETH

We will speak further.

LADY MACBETH

Only look up clear;

To alter favour ever is to fear:

Leave all the rest to me.

Exeunt

SCENE VI. Before Macbeth's castle.

Hautboys and torches. Enter DUNCAN, MALCOLM, DONALBAIN, BANQUO, LENNOX, MACDUFF, ROSS, ANGUS, and Attendants

DUNCAN

Yooooo Sick castle!! Smells good too, my noble nose likes it!

BANQUO

Yep, and birds like it here too, like the pigeons and the … pigeons.

They have built everywhere: all the crevices

Where they most breed and haunt, is where the air is sweetest

Enter LADY MACBETH

DUNCAN

Yo dudes! It’s the lady of the house. Sometimes I worry that you guys do too much for me. My Wife never did . Anyway, T Y S M for all the food and trouble we caused you. Your a real one *Fist bumps chest*

LADY MACBETH

All our service

In every point twice done and then done double

Were poor and single business to contend

Against those honours deep and broad wherewith

Your majesty loads our house: for those of old,

And the late dignities heap'd up to them,

We rest your hermits.

DUNCAN

Hol’ up, where is Mac-B, should he be here, after all i just made him a double thane. We were right behind him, but he made his horse go overdrive, with his little cowboy boots. Well thanks for letting us crash at your place.

LADY MACBETH

Your servants ever

Have theirs, themselves and what is theirs, in compt,

To make their audit at your highness' pleasure,

Still to return your own.

DUNCAN

Give me your hand; and lead us to the rumpus room. *to LMB* We are ready when you are, *to everyone* Who wants a beer?

Exeunt

SCENE VII. Macbeth's castle.

Then enter MACBETH

MACBETH

If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well

It were done quickly: if the assassination

Could trammel up the consequence, and catch

With his surcease success; that but this blow

Might be the be-all and the end-all here,

But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,

We'ld jump the life to come. But in these cases

We still have judgment here; that we but teach

Bloody instructions, which, being taught, return

To plague the inventor: this even-handed justice

Commends the ingredients of our poison'd chalice

To our own lips. He's here in double trust;

First, as I am his kinsman and his subject,

Strong both against the deed; then, as his host,

Enter Ross, 

drunk, runs into pole then off stage,

Exit Ross

* Macbeth pauses then continues* Who should against his murderer shut the door, Not bear the knife myself. Besides, this Duncan

Hath borne his faculties so meek, hath been

So clear in his great office, that his virtues

Will plead like angels, trumpet-tongued, against

The deep damnation of his taking-off;

And pity, like a naked new-born babe,

Striding the blast, or heaven's cherubim, horsed

Upon the sightless couriers of the air,

Shall blow the horrid deed in every eye,

That tears shall drown the wind. I have no spur

To prick the sides of my intent, but only

Vaulting ambition, which o'erleaps itself

And falls on the other.

Enter LADY MACBETH

How now! what news?

LADY MACBETH

He has almost supp'd: why have you left the chamber?

MACBETH

Hath he ask'd for me?

LADY MACBETH

Know you not he has?

MACBETH

We will proceed no further in this business:

He hath honour'd me of late; and I have bought

Golden opinions from all sorts of people,

Which would be worn now in their newest gloss,

Not cast aside so soon.

Enter characters, 

drunk in a conga line

Exit characters

LADY MACBETH

Was the hope drunk

Wherein you dress'd yourself? hath it slept since?

And wakes it now, to look so green and pale

At what it did so freely? From this time

Such I account thy love. Art thou afeard

To be the same in thine own act and valour

As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that

Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,

And live a coward in thine own esteem,

Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'

Like the poor cat i' the adage?

Enter Seyton

SEYTON

* Drunk* HEY!! You too should kiss!!

MACBETH

Prithee, peace:

I dare do all that may become a man;

Who dares do more is none.

LADY MACBETH

What beast was't, then,

That made you break this enterprise to me?

When you durst do it, then you were a man;

And, to be more than what you were, you would

Be so much more the man. Nor time nor place

Did then adhere, and yet you would make both:

They have made themselves, and that their fitness now

Does unmake you. I have given suck, and know

How tender 'tis to love the babe that milks me:

I would, while it was smiling in my face,

Have pluck'd my nipple from his boneless gums,

And dash'd the brains out, had I so sworn as you

Have done to this.

MACBETH

If we should fail?

LADY MACBETH

We fail!

But screw your courage to the sticking-place,

And we'll not fail. When Duncan is asleep--

Whereto the rather shall his day's hard journey

Soundly invite him--his two chamberlains

Will I with wine and wassail so convince

That memory, the warder of the brain,

Shall be a fume, and the receipt of reason

A limbeck only: when in swinish sleep

Their drenched natures lie as in a death,

What cannot you and I perform upon

The unguarded Duncan? what not put upon

His spongy officers, who shall bear the guilt

Of our great quell?

MACBETH

Bring forth men-children only;

For thy undaunted mettle should compose

Nothing but males. Will it not be received,

When we have mark'd with blood those sleepy two

Of his own chamber and used their very daggers,

That they have done't?

LADY MACBETH

Who dares receive it other,

As we shall make our griefs and clamour roar

Upon his death?

MACBETH

I am settled, and bend up

Each corporal agent to this terrible feat.

Away, and mock the time with fairest show:

False face must hide what the false heart doth know.

Exeunt

Chapter Text

ACT II

SCENE I. Court of Macbeth's castle.

Enter BANQUO, and FLEANCE bearing a torch before him

BANQUO

Awww, my Son. *goes to hug him* I love you so much. Sigh. What a beautiful night, ey?

FLEANCE

I love you too, The moon has gone down, but the clock hasn’t chimed

BANQUO

She goes down at twelve. *tussles Fleance hair* 

FLEANCE

Well, I‘m pretty tired, papa.

BANQUO

Well, its not time for sleep yet! Here, take my sword and belt and stuff. *Gives stuff to Fleance, he plays with it* *to himself* It’s dark tonight, like the heavens have disappeared. I want to sleep, but I feel like I shouldn't. Evilness might find its way

Enter MACBETH, and a Servant with a torch

Give me my sword.

Who's there?

MACBETH

A friend.

BANQUO

My dude, it's night. Why are you not sleeping bro? King D is already in bed. He has been so happy recently, we had to stop him. He almost gave his kingship away.

MACBETH

Being unprepared,

Our will became the servant to defect;

Which else should free have wrought.

BANQUO

We’re chilling. We cool. I had a weird dream of the weird sisters last night.

MACBETH

I think not of them:

Yet, when we can entreat an hour to serve,

We would spend it in some words upon that business,

If you would grant the time.

BANQUO

When you’re ready? shoot.

MACBETH

If you shall cleave to my consent, when 'tis,

It shall make honour for you.

BANQUO

As long as I don't lose any in the process. Y’know I’m happy where I am. *gives Fleance a hug* And I don't kill anyone, then sure!

MACBETH

Good repose the while!

BANQUO

Thanks bro, you’re not too bad yourself. *Fist bump* Alright little one, lets get you to bed. 

Exeunt BANQUO and FLEANCE

MACBETH

Go bid thy mistress, when my drink is ready,

She strikes upon the bell. Get thee to bed.

Exit Servant

Is this a dagger which I see before me,

*Random object being held up by someone in a black morph suit/clothing, it's obvious though*

The handle toward my hand? Come, let me clutch thee.

I have thee not, and yet I see thee still.

Art thou not, fatal vision, sensible

To feeling as to sight? or art thou but

A dagger of the mind, a false creation,

Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain?

*Object moves around, Macbeth follows, walks off stage will still talking*

Come back, get back here

SCENE II. The same.

Enter LADY MACBETH

Macbeth 

Who's there? what, ho!

Macbeth walk into the room, meets Lady Macbeth

Lady Macbeth

My husband!

MACBETH

I have done the deed. Didst thou not hear a noise?

LADY MACBETH

I heard the owl scream and the crickets cry.

Did not you speak?

MACBETH

When?

LADY MACBETH

Now.

MACBETH

As I descended?

LADY MACBETH

Ay.

MACBETH

Hark!

Who lies i' the second chamber?

LADY MACBETH

Donalbain.

MACBETH

This is a sorry sight.

Looking on his hands

LADY MACBETH

A foolish thought, to say a sorry sight.

MACBETH

There's one did laugh in's sleep, and one cried

'Murder!'

That they did wake each other: I stood and heard them:

But they did say their prayers, and address'd them

Again to sleep.

LADY MACBETH

There are two lodged together.

MACBETH

One cried 'God bless us!' and 'Amen' the other;

As they had seen me with these hangman's hands.

Listening their fear, I could not say 'Amen,'

When they did say 'God bless us!'

Other side of the stage, 2 soldiers are HOOOONK MIMIMIMIMI AMEN HOOONK

LADY MACBETH

Consider it not so deeply.

Malcom and co walk into the next room

MALCOM

Hey guys watch this! * Knocks on M-B Door* They hide behind a pole

Lady Macbeth runs out while they are looking the other way (Fleance does something?), she runs back in

LADY MACBETH

Whence is that knocking?

How is't with me, when every noise appals me?

LENNOX

Ok ok my turn. 

Lennox knocks on the door, they runs away

LADY MACBETH

I hear a knocking

At the south entry: retire we to our chamber;

A little water clears us of this deed:

How easy is it, then! Your constancy

Hath left you unattended.

Banquo knocks in the door, then runs away

Hark! more knocking.

Get on your nightgown, lest occasion call us,

And show us to be watchers. Be not lost

So poorly in your thoughts.

MACBETH

To know my deed, 'twere best not know myself.

Fleance goes to knock at the door. Hears the conversation, shrugs, knocks and runs away

Wake Duncan with thy knocking! I would thou couldst!

Exeunt

SCENE III. The same.

Knocking within. Enter a Porter

Porter

Here's a knocking indeed! If a man were porter of hell-gate, he should have old turning the key.

Knocking within

Knock, knock, knock! *Grabs a pitchfork* Who's there, in the name of Beelzebub? Here's a farmer, that hanged himself on the expectation of plenty: come in time; have napkins enow about you; here you'll sweat, buckets and buckets

Knocking noises

Knock, knock! Who's there, *Puts on horns* in the other devil's name? Faith, here's an equivocator, that could swear in both the scales against either scale;

who committed treason enough for God's sake, yet could not equivocate to heaven: O, come in, equivocator.

Knocking within

Knock, knock, knock! 

Enter MACDUFF and LENNOX. Porter continues silently, on the other side of the door.

MACDUFF 

Who is this fella *Thumb points* What does he think he’s doing

PORTER

Knocking within

Anon, anon! I pray you, remember the porter.

Opens the gate

MACDUFF and LENNOX goes through

MACDUFF

My dude, how much did you have? *Drink sign*

Porter

'Faith sir, we were carousing till the

second cock: and drink, sir, is a great

provoker of three things. *Holds up wrong number of fingers*

MACDUFF

Using old English, really? Well what 3 things did the drinking do?

Porter

1. A red nose, rudolf style. 2. Sleep. 3. Urine. *Starts to wee*

MACDUFF

Welp, you did all three things. Clearly * Finger guns* *Porters continues to wee*

Porter

That it did, sir, i' the very throat on me: but I requited him for his lie; and, I i think, being too strong for him, though he took up my legs sometimes, yet I made a shift to cast him. * Finished wee*

MACDUFF

Is your homie getting up?

Enter MACBETH

Dang, you made us knock so much that we woke up Mac B.

LENNOX

Rise and shine, dude.

MACBETH

Good morrow, both.

MACDUFF

Is King Duncan Doughnuts awake yet?

MACBETH

Not yet.

MACDUFF

Thank goodness, I needed to be there and I was almost late.

MACBETH

I'll bring you to him.

MACDUFF

It’s fun hosting, but I know it takes its toll

MACBETH

The labour we delight in physics pain. This is the door.

MACDUFF

I’ll make the king to roll out of bed

Exit

LENNOX

Is he gonna get back on the road, life is a highway style?

MACBETH

He does: he did appoint so.

LENNOX

The night has been bonkers, full on cray-cray. Y’know chimneys crashing down from wind, screams and knocking, then the horses became cannibals. Owls hooting all night long, it was like the earth was shooketh

MACBETH

'Twas a rough night.

LENNOX

I may be young, but I can’t remember anything like it.

Re-enter MACDUFF

MACDUFF

O horror, horror, horror! Freaking words cannot describe what the what I just saw.

MACBETH LENNOX

What's the matter?

MACDUFF

CHAOS REIGNS! The most sacrilegious murder has broken open the Lord’s temple, and stolen it’s life!

MACBETH

What is 't you say? the life?

LENNOX

Do you mean King D?

MACDUFF

Approach the chamber, and you'll need some eye bleach from the sight.

Exeunt MACBETH and LENNOX

Awake, awake!Ring the alarm! Ring the bells!  Murder and treason!

Banquo and Donalbain! Malcolm! Wake Up! Get rid of you death-imitating unconsciousness. Ha see what i did there. COME ON GANG WAKE UP

Bell rings

Enter LADY MACBETH

LADY MACBETH

What's the business,

That such a hideous trumpet calls to parley

The sleepers of the house? speak, speak!

MACDUFF

Oh man Oh Man Oh MAN! You are going to flip when you hear this. We got an imposter among us!

Enter BANQUO

My dude Banquo, Banquo, Our royal master 's murder'd!

LADY MACBETH

Woe, alas!

What, in our house?

BANQUO

Too cruel anywhere. Dear Duff, lie, and say it can't be!

Re-enter MACBETH and LENNOX, with ROSS

MACBETH

Had I but died an hour before this chance,

I had lived a blessed time; for, from this instant,

There 's nothing serious in mortality:

All is but toys: renown and grace is dead;

The wine of life is drawn, and the mere lees

Is left this vault to brag of.

Enter MALCOLM and DONALBAIN *→ Donalbain wearing nightcap*

DONALBAIN

What the hell is going on?

MACBETH

You are, and do not know't:

The spring, the head, the fountain of your blood

Is stopp'd; the very source of it is stopp'd.

MACDUFF

Someone went stabby stabby to King D.

MALCOLM

O, by whom?

LENNOX

Apparently *Looks at Macbeth* the servants at his chambers did it, had the knives and all. No one could of been entrusted to them.

MACBETH

O, yet I do repent me of my fury,

That I did kill them.

MACDUFF

WHY! *Said like that one vine*

MACBETH

Who can be wise, amazed, temperate and furious,

Loyal and neutral, in a moment? No man:

The expedition my violent love

Outrun the pauser, reason. Here lay Duncan,

His silver skin laced with his golden blood;

And his gash'd stabs look'd like a breach in nature

For ruin's wasteful entrance: there, the murderers,

Steep'd in the colours of their trade, their daggers

Unmannerly breech'd with gore: who could refrain,

That had a heart to love, and in that heart

Courage to make 's love known?

LADY MACBETH

Help me hence, ho!

Lady Macbeth faints

MACDUFF

Is there a doctor in the house?

* Random doctor walks in, does bad doctoring cpr on her leg, benny hill plays*

MALCOLM

[Aside to DONALBAIN] Why do cats hold our tongues dude, we’re the most sad!

DONALBAIN

[Aside to MALCOLM] I don’t know about you man, but i'm not ready to cry.

MALCOLM

[Aside to DONALBAIN] Neither do I, nor can we make it into actions.

BANQUO

Take her away

LADY MACBETH is dragged out, benny hill plays

And when wear are wearing normal clothing, maybe a little dripped up, 

MACDUFF

Tis time to get drippy

ALL

Tis’ time

MACDUFF

Let’s get ready so we can pass a manly vibe check, in the hall.

ALL

WELP *All shrug*

Exeunt all but Malcolm and Donalbain.

MALCOLM

What will you do? Imma get out of here, don’t trust no one dude. England, here I come.

DONALBAIN

I agree, i’ll go to the potato place * Does irish gig* I don’t trust the daggers here

MALCOLM

I reckon it has just begun, and we need to get out before it gets worse. Let’s do a little sneaky and get out of here

*They do a little sneaky run offstage*

SCENE IV. Outside Macbeth's castle.

Enter ROSS and an old Man

Old Man

70. 70 years, I have lived here. I have seen ‘orrible, ‘orrible things. I remember all of them. But never before have i seen something like this 

ROSS

Yo yo yo, old man, wass good? Or should I say bad? You can stop monologuing now. I saw everything, now shoo shoo!

*Old Man hides under bench*

Dude, it’s my homeboy, good Macduff.

Enter MACDUFF

How goes the world, my dude?

MACDUFF

Why, are you blind? How many fingers am I holding up?

ROSS

Uuuhhhhh, anyway, who did it?

MACDUFF

Those that Macbeth went chip chop.

ROSS

Chip. chocolate chip. Kinda hungry, want a cookie?

MACDUFF

Yes.

ROSS

Will you to go Scone? To get a scone?

MACDUFF

No, cousin, I'll to Fife. for 5 cookies *holds up 4 fingers*

ROSS

Well, I will thither.

MACDUFF

See you, mi amigo!

ROSS

Farewell.

Old Man

*pops back out*

Hey me too! I want one! *They ignore him, leave him on stage*

Exeunt

Chapter Text

ACT III

SCENE I. Forres. The palace.

Enter BANQUO

BANQUO

Me scallywag, those no hablo englais witches got it right, geez, plot point! Mac B has it all: cap'n, Cawdor, Glamis, all!Har har har *goes into the laugh sob* Nay, sniff, I don’t if 'this good. The witches did promise that me kiddely-winks will be kings, nah his? Oh crap I gotta be quiet now.

Sennet sounded. Enter MACBETH, as king, LADY MACBETH, as queen, LENNOX, ROSS, Lords, Ladies, and Attendants

MACBETH

Here's our chief guest.

LADY MACBETH

If he had been forgotten,

It had been as a gap in our great feast,

And all-thing unbecoming.

MACBETH

To-night we hold a solemn supper sir,

And I'll request your presence.

BANQUO

Always at yer command cap'n! *salute, goofy?*

MACBETH

Ride you this afternoon?

BANQUO

Aye aye captain.

MACBETH

We should have else desired your good advice,

Which still hath been both grave and prosperous,

In this day's council; but we'll take to-morrow.

Is't far you ride?

BANQUO

Far enough that the trip will take me from now 'til grub,  me cap'n. Unless me horse goes faster than I expect, I’ll be ridin' in the dark fer an hour or two aft sunset.

MACBETH

Fail not our feast.

BANQUO

Me cap'n, I will nah.

MACBETH

We hear, our bloody cousins are bestow'd

In England and in Ireland, not confessing

Their cruel parricide, filling their hearers

With strange invention: but of that to-morrow,

When therewithal we shall have cause of state

Craving us jointly. Hie you to horse: adieu,

Till you return at night. Goes Fleance with you?

BANQUO

Ay, me good cap'n: our time does call fer us.

MACBETH

I wish your horses swift and sure of foot;

And so I do commend you to their backs. Farewell.

Exit BANQUO

Let every man be master of his time

Till seven at night: to make society

The sweeter welcome, we will keep ourself

Till supper-time alone: while then, God be with you!

Exeunt all but MACBETH, and an attendant

Sirrah, a word with you: attend those men

Our pleasure?

ATTENDANT

They are, my lord, without the palace gate.

MACBETH

Bring them before us.

Exit Attendant

To be thus is nothing;

But to be safely thus.--Our fears in Banquo

Stick deep; and in his royalty of nature

Reigns that which would be fear'd: 'tis much he dares;

And, to that dauntless temper of his mind,

He hath a wisdom that doth guide his valour…

 Who's there!

Re-enter Attendant, with two Murderers

Now go to the door, and stay there till we call.

Exit Attendant

GUYS TOO EARLY. You interrupted me monologuing. :(

First Murderer

Eh, you’ll be fine, wassup?

MACBETH

Well then, now

Have you consider'd of my speeches?

All Murderer

Yes.

MACBETH

That was fast. I did so, and went further, which is now

Our point of second meeting. Do you find

Your patience so predominant in your nature

That you can let this go? 

All Murderer

YES, we are men. Ooga booga 

MACBETH

Ok ok, Ay, in the catalogue ye go for men, 

As hounds and greyhounds, mongrels, spaniels, curs, 

Shoughs, water-rugs, and demi-wolves are clept 

All by the name of dogs. 

Second Murderer

I am one, my liege, a man, so stop speaking about dogs

I do to spite the world. Haw haw haw.

First Murderer

And me too! So weary with disasters, I’m done with the world. Let me at it!

MACBETH

Both of you

Know Banquo was your enemy.

Both Murderers

yessir!

MACBETH

So is he mine; and in such bloody distance,

That every minute of his being thrusts

Against my near'st of life: and though I could

With barefaced power sweep him from my sight

And bid my will avouch it, yet I must not,

For certain friends that are both his and mine,

Whose loves I may not drop, but wail his fall

Who I myself struck down; and thence it is,

That I to your assistance do make love,

Masking the business from the common eye

For sundry weighty reasons.

Second Murderer

Oki doki Mac B! (to his fellow murderers) Bro’s yapping.

We will perform what you command us.

First Murderer

Though our lives– *gazes into the distance*

MACBETH

Your spirits shine through you. Within this hour at most

I will advise you where to plant yourselves;

Acquaint you with the perfect spy o' the time,

The moment on't; for't must be done to-night,

And something from the palace; always thought

That I require a clearness: and with him--

To leave no rubs nor botches in the work--

Fleance his son, that keeps him company,

Whose absence is no less material to me

Than is his father's, must embrace the fate

Of that dark hour. Resolve yourselves apart:

I'll come to you anon.

Both Murderers

They will say “It is what it is” lord Mac B

MACBETH

I'll call upon you straight: abide within.

Exeunt Murderers

It is concluded. Banquo, thy soul's flight,

If it find heaven, must find it out to-night.

Exit

SCENE II. A park near the palace.

Enter three Murderers

First Murderer

Did we just miss something? I swear something was meant to happen before we got here. *All Shrug* Woah *Points to the 3rd murderer* Where did you come from?

Third Murderer

Macbeth. Wanted me to get the job done.

Second Murderer

He doesn’t need to mistrust us. And we got 3! No way anyone could get away.

First Murderer

Then stand with us, my brother from another mother. We were born to kill. Now let’s take an oath. Always be excellent to each other.

2nd and 3d Murderer

Always be excellent to each other.

Third Murderer

Do you guys hear horses? 

*They hide in plain sight*

BANQUO

[Within] Why be it so dark in here? Who has a torch?

Second Murderer

That’s him. 

Are you boys ready?

First Murderer

Can we steal the horsies?

Third Murderer

No… Ah, fine, yes we can.

Second Murderer

A light, a light!

Enter BANQUO, and FLEANCE with a torch

Third Murderer

That’s a guy… I mean victim

First Murderer

Get ready

BANQUO

'tis goin' t' rain tonight, me whelp. May the tears o' Poseidon cast down upon us.'tis goin' t' rain tonight, me lad.

First Murderer

Let it come down.

They set upon BANQUO

BANQUO

O, treachery! Fly, good Fleance, fly, fly, fly!

Thou mayst revenge. O slave!

Dies. FLEANCE escapes

*lights turn off*

Third Murderer

Who turned off the light?

First Murderer

Was this the light switch?

*hits wall, lights go back*

Third Murderer

One down, one to go. 

First Murderer

Well, more like one half! Let’s get him

Exeunt

SCENE III/IV. The same. Hall in the palace.

A banquet prepared. Enter MACBETH, LADY MACBETH, ROSS, LENNOX, Lords, and Attendants, someone has a skeleton mask

MACBETH

You know your own degrees; sit down: at first

And last the hearty welcome.

Lords

CHEERS!!!.

MACBETH

Ourself will mingle with society,

And play the humble host.

Our hostess keeps her state, but in best time

We will require her welcome.

LADY MACBETH

Pronounce it for me, sir, to all our friends;

For my heart speaks they are welcome.

First Murderer appears at the door

MACBETH

See, they encounter thee with their hearts' thanks.

Both sides are even: here I'll sit i' the midst:

Be large in mirth; anon we'll drink a measure

The table round.

To first Murderer

There's blood on thy face.

First Murderer

Yeah, i chopped him off the block, pew, kapow, y’know

MACBETH

'Tis better thee without than he within.

Is he dispatch'd?

First Murderer

Yeah, dude, i went all ratatata on that fool.

MACBETH

Thou art the best o' the cut-throats: yet he's good

That did the like for Fleance: if thou didst it,

Thou art the nonpareil.

First Murderer

Who? 

MACBETH

Fleance, Banquo’s son?

First Murderer

The kid? Nah, he got… *small voice* away

MACBETH

What was that?

First Murderer

*loudly, sobbing* the kid got away! We tried to stop him, but my arm, stupid arm turned off the lights! *Sobs in corner* Stupid bruce, stupid stupid Bruce

MACBETH

Then comes my fit again: I had else been perfect,

Whole as the marble, founded as the rock,

As broad and general as the casing air:

But now I am cabin'd, cribb'd, confined, bound in

To saucy doubts and fears. But Banquo's safe?

First Murderer

*calms down* no no lord, he is dead :(

MACBETH

Thanks for that:

There the grown serpent lies; the worm that's fled

Hath nature that in time will venom breed,

No teeth for the present. Get thee gone: to-morrow

We'll hear, ourselves, again.

Exit Murderer

[Scene focus shifts back to the party]

ROSS

*to Lennox* Now this is a party! We got booze, music, and ladies!

LENNOX

You know it! Yo, Mac-B, come sit!

The GHOST OF BANQUO enters, and sits in MACBETH's place

MACBETH

Here had we now our country's honour roof'd,

Were the graced person of our Banquo present;

Who may I rather challenge for unkindness

Than pity for mischance!

ROSS

We almost got the whole gang back together, Banquo better get here fast. Now siddown！

MACBETH

The table's full.

LENNOX

Dude, right here. *points to the ghost of Banquo*

MACBETH

Where?

LENNOX

Here, my good dude. Have you had too much to drink? the night is but young!

MACBETH

Which of you have done this?

Lords

Nothing ;)?

MACBETH

Thou canst not say I did it: never shake

Thy gory locks at me.

ROSS

Gentlemen, he didn’t like our prank, you can task of the mask now

LADY MACBETH

Sit, worthy friends: my lord is often thus,

And hath been from his youth: pray you, keep seat;

The fit is momentary; upon a thought

He will again be well: if much you note him,

You shall offend him and extend his passion:

Feed, and regard him not. *to macbeth* Are you a man?

MACBETH

No im a muppet, of course I’m a man. A bold one, that dare look on that

Which might appal the devil.

LADY MACBETH

O proper stuff! *fades into the background*

ROSS

Is Macbeth good? 

LENNOX

“Is he good?” No, they're having a marital spat, now shut up. I wanna hear this!

GHOST OF BANQUO shrugs, then vanishes

LADY MACBETH

What, quite unmann'd in folly?

MACBETH

If I stand here, I saw him.

LADY MACBETH

Fie, for shame!

LENNOX

It’s get heated! Ross, pass the popcorn! *Ross has none* Wait, they’re looking

LADY MACBETH

My worthy lord,

Your noble friends do lack you.

MACBETH

I do forget.

Do not muse at me, my most worthy friends,

I have a strange infirmity, which is nothing

To those that know me. Come, love and health to all;

Then I'll sit down. Give me some wine; fill full.

I drink to the general joy o' the whole table,

And to our dear friend Banquo, whom we miss;

Would he were here! to all, and him, we thirst,

And all to all.

Lords

Our duties, and the pledge.

Re-enter GHOST OF BANQUO sneaking around like a goober

GHOST OF BANQUO

BOO!

MACBETH

Avaunt! and quit my sight! let the earth hide thee!

Thy bones are marrowless, thy blood is cold;

Thou hast no speculation in those eyes

Which thou dost glare with!

LADY MACBETH

Think of this, good peers,

But as a thing of custom: 'tis no other;

Only it spoils the pleasure of the time.

MACBETH

What man dare, I dare:

Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear,

The arm'd rhinoceros, or the Hyrcan tiger;

Take any shape but that, and my firm nerves

Shall never tremble: or be alive again,

And dare me to the desert with thy sword;

If trembling I inhabit then, protest me

The baby of a girl. Hence, horrible shadow!

Unreal mockery, hence!

GHOST OF BANQUO vanishes

Why, so: being gone,

I am a man again. Pray you, sit still.

LADY MACBETH

You have displaced the mirth, broke the good meeting,

With most admired disorder.

MACBETH

Can such things be,

And overcome us like a summer's cloud,

Without our special wonder? You make me strange

Even to the disposition that I owe,

When now I think you can behold such sights,

And keep the natural ruby of your cheeks,

When mine is blanched with fear.

ROSS

What sights, my lord? Are you tripping?

LADY MACBETH

I pray you, speak not; he grows worse and worse;

Question enrages him. At once, good night:

Stand not upon the order of your going,

But go at once.

LENNOX

Good night homie; sleep well!

Lady Mac-B, take care of your man

LADY MACBETH

A kind good night to all!

Exeunt all but MACBETH and LADY MACBETH, 

MACBETH

Fie! I am so not restful I couldst catch but a wink f'r decades!

LADY MACBETH

Almost at odds with morning, which is which, you could get maybe 3 hours.

MACBETH

Fine, lets go to bed now.

SCENE V. A Heath.

Thunder. Enter the three Witches meeting HECATE

First Witch

Why, how now, Hecate! Babe, you look angry. Are you mad? What has Vanessa done now?

Vanessa looks angry that she is accused, give First witch the bird

HECATE

Have I not reason, beldams as you are,

Saucy and overbold? How did you dare

To trade and traffic with Macbeth

In riddles and affairs of death;

And I, the mistress of your charms,

The close contriver of all harms,

Was never call'd to bear my part,

Or show the glory of our art? Starts to struggle with the words

And, which is worse, all you have done

Hath been but for a wayward son,

Spiteful and wrathful, who, as others do,

Loves for his own ends, not for you.

But make amends now: get you gone,

And at the pit of Acheron faster and angry

Oh, I can't keep up with these stupid rhyming couplets. Just don’t touch Macbeth again, and his undoing is your fault. Quit yapping. Hecate Out!

Exit

First Witch

Girls, we need to get moving! She’ll be back (said in terminator voice)

Exeunt

SCENE VI. Forres. A Room in the Palace.

Spot light on other side of the stage

LENNOX.
Felt like we missed something?

LORD.
yeah

LENNOX.
yeah.

LORD.
You hear Mac-B is going mad?

LENNOX.
Wouldn’t be surprised

LORD.
Hmm. Let’s go, this place gives me the jeebies.