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Chapter Text

Jean covers her mouth with her hand and tears run down her cheeks. A truth she didn't want to accept is written on that short page, and she knows that her world is simply collapsing for the second time without her being able to do anything about it.

Jakob comes inside and immediately walks over to her and sits down next to her bed, where Otis was just a few minutes ago. "Jean, what's wrong?

She shakes her head and covers her face with her hands dropping the sheet of paper in her lap, loud sobs begin to emerge from her throat breaking his heart. He frowns in anguish, then reaches out and grabs the paper lying on the sheets.

She looks at him without seeing him very well as her tear-filled eyes blur her vision, but she sees the expression of deep disappointment and anger. Her sobs increase, for she feels absolutely small and insignificant, for she knows she has just broken the heart and self-esteem of the man she learned to love into a thousand pieces.

He looks up at her, puts the letter down on the bed, stands up and leaves the room without a word. And she cries, cries without consolation, because she knows that only that look of hatred is the last she will see of that man, with whom she wanted so much to form a family, and of whom she will never know anything else.

Otis wakes up to noise on the first floor, he frowns and leaves his room quietly, no one is supposed to be here at this hour, Ola was going to go to sleep with Lily, and Jakob would be with his mother in the hospital. So he walks slowly towards the stairs trying not to let the floor creak under his feet, but before he can reach the stairs, Jakob is already striding up them, so they both meet in the corridor.

Jakob stops in his tracks when he sees the boy standing just before Jean's room with eyes full of surprise and a little bit of terror.

"Why are you here? Weren't you supposed to stay at the hospital with mum?" he asks.

Jakob swallows and shakes his head "Sorry Otis, but I came for my stuff".

The boy looks at him even more confused "What do you mean? What's going on?"

Jakob continues down the corridor and enters the room without looking at the boy, he immediately opens the wardrobe and begins to take out all his clothes and throw them on the bed.

Otis stands in the doorway not knowing what to do, just watching the man start to throw everything out, as if out of control. "What did my mother do now?" he finally asks, realising that there is no turning back now, Jakob plans to leave.

The man pauses and tears begin to fall down his cheeks "I trusted her Otis" he says with his voice breaking "I thought things might work out, and I was trying, but.... I have to go, ask her what happened, but let her rest tonight."

Otis just nods "Can I help you with anything?" she asks, waiting for him to say yes.

The man looks at him and half smiles "You could help me with Ola's things, the suitcases are in the wardrobe in that room". The young man nods and does as Jakob asks without saying more. 

Two hours later almost everything is packed and suitcases in the living room. Both men are tired and their hearts are heavy. 

“Stay here tonight, tomorrow you decide where to go, my mother is not here, nor will she be in a few days.” Otis says, trying not to be alone

Jakob thinks for a few seconds and nods. The boy half-smiles and leaves him alone in the living room, going up to his room.

Jakob stands for a few moments in the middle of the room just looking at the suitcases around him, not long ago he was unpacking the last boxes with Jean, as they discussed names for the baby.

Tears well up in his eyes again at the thought of that little girl whom his daughter named Joy, but who now makes him feel no joy at all. And it is not the little girl's fault, but somehow, from now on and wherever he goes, he will think of that sweet, innocent little creature who is not his and think only of sadness and disappointment.

He walks to Jean's office, sits at her desk and thinks about the first time they met, about their first kiss, about their first time having sex, about their first time making love, about their first time feeling the baby kick inside her belly, about the first time seeing the baby cry, about the terrible fear he felt at the sight of Jean lose blood quickly in front of his eyes, the first time seeing her open her eyes again with a smile after almost losing her, and the last time he saw her, crying inconsolably because of her big treason.

He wipes away his tears quickly, unwilling to cry for her anymore, and opens the drawers looking for paper and pencil to write his goodbye.

Seeing you almost die in front of me almost broke my heart, but your lie and betrayal managed to do it a few hours later.

I really wanted to try it Jean, after my last wife cheated, it was hard for me to open up to someone, and I really was doing it with you. I tried with all my might, but it was in vain.

I didn't think you were going to hurt me that much, because I really thought you loved me, just like I still do. But I can't be here, this time is too much.

Goodbye Jean. Take good care of Joy.

Without signing, he leaves the letter in the first drawer of the desk, knowing that it will be the place where only she can see it. Then stands up, closes the office door and goes up the stairs to the room that no longer houses any of his belongings.

The room is full of memories of them together, of wild nights, of romantic nights, of tender mornings, of pleasant afternoons, but also of uncomfortable mornings and afternoons of disagreements.

He lies down on the bed, without taking off his clothes or shoes, and buries his head on the pillow, getting drunk for the last time on the smell of the last woman he will ever love.

When Otis gets up, Jakob is carrying the boxes up the stairs to an unknown car, which must be a moving truck he got at the last minute.

Otis can't believe this man is actually walking out of his life as quickly as he came in, and feels a pang in his heart. 

So when he comes back in for the last two suitcases, Otis decides to talk to him. "Jakob, I don't know what happened, but I don't think you're an irresponsible man to leave a baby abandoned, so I guess Joy isn't yours."

Jakob just nods, looking at the ground.

"I'm so sorry for this whole situation, for you two and for me as well. After the conversation we had at the hospital yesterday, I thought maybe we could… you know… It hurts me a lot to see you go."

Jakob approaches the boy and puts a hand on his shoulder "I'm telling you again Otis, you are a good man and I hope you take good care of your mom and your sister. I wish I could be here and fulfil what I said yesterday, but I can't. I just want you to know that I appreciate you and that I will never forget you."

Otis hugs the man with tears in his eyes "thank you, Jakob"

The man nods and bends down to grab the suitcases, Otis walks with him to the door "And where are you going?"

"I don't know, maybe I'll go back to my country. It will be good for Ola."

Otis nods looking down. Jakob sighs looking around for the last time “finish the tree house for me”

Otis nods again without being able to say a word

“Goodbye Otis” Jakob says, and walks up the stairs without looking back.

Otis remains at the door feeling an unexpected emptiness.

Chapter Text

Jean wakes up with a terrible headache after only managing to rest for a couple of hours, in the middle of the night she went to sit for a while in front of her daughter, and couldn't avoid having to go back to bed because the crying made a terrible pain spread all over her abdomen, feeling even worse. After a good dose of pain medication she managed to fall asleep, but the doctor came to see her early to check her wounds.

Her phone rings not long after and it is her son, she looks at the screen for a few moments unsure whether to answer it or not, as she knows that Jakob probably went to get his things and the boy will have a lot of questions.

"Good morning, sweetheart! Did you sleep well?" she says, answering his call.

"Not much" he says, a bit grumpy "I stayed helping Jakob to pack his things for a while, he said he was going to his country". She closes her eyes and covers her mouth with her hand. On the other end of the line Otis continues, sounding a little stressed "I didn't think you were going to fuck up so bad, Mom. Who is Joy's father?”

A small sob escapes Jean's lips, and she wipes her tears desperately trying to keep her composure "I'm sorry darling, I have to hang up, talk to you later" she replies quickly and hangs up the phone before he can say anything else.

How on earth is she going to explain this situation to her son. She didn't want to accept the truth and convinced herself that her baby was Jakob's, and without the paternity test, she wouldn't have had to say anything. But truths come out sooner or later, and she had to come to terms with it in the worst way possible.

A nurse comes in and sees her crying and approaches her with a worried face.

"What's wrong mum, do you need medicine for the pain?

Jean shakes her head “No, thank you, I’m just a little overwhelmed, that’s all”

The nurse nods “Okay, just let me know if you need anything” and then leaves

After a while and a light meal, the nurse helps her to clean herself up and get ready to go to see her daughter. 

The nurse at the incubator station greets her with a big smile "Hello Jean, my name is Magda and I am going to explain to you what we are going to do in the next few days".

Jean smiles at her and takes a seat next to her baby.

"Well Jean, I know it will be harder for you because you have been in the operating room, and we have been giving the baby total parental nutrition, which is a special formula for her at the moment, but we need you to start trying to produce milk that we can start giving her in the next few days.."

Jean nods “Of course, I’d like that”

“Very well, we'll start with small massages to stimulate production, and while you're here, we can make use of an electric breast pump. Once you are discharged and if the baby still needs to stay, you can use a suction pump that you have at home and bring us the milk everyday. Ideally, express the milk at least 8 to 10 times per 24 hour period. Try not to allow your breasts to be full for a long time because that can decrease production”

Jean nods again 

The nurse looks at the IV on her right hand “I see that you continue to hydrate and I will bring you plenty of water to keep here, if your family can bring you juices and so on they are also welcome”.

Jean sighs feeling overwhelmed

"I know it's hard right now, but I'm sure that once you hold your daughter, you'll feel better".

She looks up at her with eyes full of hope “Can I do that?”

“Of course you can, I’m gonna help you”

Jean smiles, watching the nurse move in front of her to give her little one

“Okay, you're going to be very careful with the ventilator, that's why you can't feed her directly from your breast yet" says the nurse, opening the incubator completely and carefully taking the baby and holding her close to her mother "Lay down a little bit and uncover your chest so that she can feel your warmth”

Jean does as the nurse tells her to and she gently places the baby on Jean with a smile

"That's right, you can stay with her like that for a few minutes, I'll be right back"

Jean nods looking at the baby while holding her head with one hand and her body with the other arm. Feeling the soft beat of her daughter's chest against hers, Jean begins to cry. At first they are just tears, but then some sobs escape her lips and she looks up, taking a deep breath to calm herself. 

The baby moves a little on her making her smile "Hey Joy, mummy is here and she loves you very, very much" she says kissing her little head delicately "promise me that you will be strong and you will stay with me"

The baby sighs and the mother closes her eyes happy to have her little girl in her arms, it makes her feel like everything is going to be just fine, no matter what.

The door opens and Jean opens her eyes to see her son standing in front of her. She swallows and hides half of her face behind her little girl’s head.

He stares at her and sighs, "How are you feeling, Mom?"

She nods and a couple of tears slide down her cheeks "I'm fine".

He takes a seat next to her and bows his head "I'm so sorry I called you so early to complain. I know this situation is more difficult for you than it is for me".

She just nods and looks at him for a brief moment, before returning to look at the little girl in her arms.

"I'm sorry Otis, I can't talk about any of this right now, I'm not feeling strong enough to do so"

Otis nods feeling sad about all of them. She's back to being a single mother, and he knows things are going to be hard at home.

"How's Joy?" He asks trying to change the subject

"She's doing fine" she says with a sigh "but she's staying here for a while"

"How long?" He asks frowning

Jean sighs kissing Joy's head "I don't know yet" she answers and more tears run down her face

Otis sighs and rests his head on her shoulder “I’m sorry mum” he whispers

She sobs, closing her eyes, unable to say anything. She’s just overwhelmed and a bit lost. A day ago her life seemed to be getting better, a new baby, a new family, a partner with whom to share responsibilities, doubts, joys and sorrows. But now she was alone again, and this time with a teenager and a newborn baby girl. She is still not sure if she will be able to handle the responsibility, or if she will fail as a mother to both children.

Otis pulls his head away from her shoulder and squeezes her forearm "Don't worry mum, I'm here".

She half smiles at him feeling very grateful to have him "I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too".

In the afternoon Maureen stops by to visit Jean for a while, when she arrives she finds her trying to express some colostrum to begin her journey to get the milk she needs for the baby.

“Maureen, hi!” Jean says following her task

“Hi Jean! How are you feeling?” Maureen asks, smiling

Jean sighs, shaking her head “Like shit” 

Maureen frowns and sits next to her bed “What’s the matter?”

Jean puts the breast pump aside and frowns deeply looking down “Jakob left” she whispers

“WHAT?” Maureen says a bit loud and Jean looks up at her so she lowers her voice “I’m sorry” Maureen whispers “I just… Why?”

Jean begins to cry, throwing her head back, closing her eyes “I fucked up, again. I don’t know what to do now, I feel so lost and stupid. I don’t know if I can forgive myself”

Maureen frowns, realising where the conversation is going “Jean, what can I do?”

“Thank you. Nothing” Jean says, wiping away her tears “I'm afraid there is nothing anyone can do”

“I am very sorry, Jean. But whatever you need, I'll be here to help you as much as I can. I am your friend, and you can count on me”

Jean weeps again, shaking her head “I hurt him too much Maureen, I don't think I deserve anyone's help. I'm a bad person”

Maureen frowns, reaching a hand to hers and squeezing “Don’t say that, you’re not a bad person. We all make mistakes. Everything will get better, you’ll see”

“He is not Joy's father, and I convinced us both that he was. And now it's all fallen apart” Jean whispers “I’m sorry Maureen, I’m so sorry”

Maureen doesn't know what to say, she feels bad for Jakob because she could tell he really loved her, but she feels worse for Jean, because she was in love, scared but trying, and seeing her so devastated like this makes her heart break for her friend. But she knows that at this point there is nothing she can say or do to make her feel better, so she decides to change the subject.

"And how's the baby?" She asks with a smile

Jean smiles back breathing deeply, trying to calm herself "she's doing well, I get to hold her earlier today"

"Oh! That's great. I'm very glad she's doing fine. Can we see her?" 

Jean looks at her with enlightened eyes "of course I do" she says as she begins to move to get off the bed with a pained expression.

"Are you all right? Let me help you" Maureen says holding the IV pole and stretching her other arm towards her for support.

"Thank you" Jean says, exhaling slowly.

A nurse help them to get in and open the latch for them to touch the baby "Hey Joy, mummy's friend, Maureen, is here to meet you" Jean whispers, holding her little hand with two of her fingers.

Maureen gets closer and smiles brightly "Oh my god, Jean. She's so precious. Look at that"

Jean smiles nodding "I know. I was so afraid, but look at her, she's doing fine"

Maureen looks at her with worried eyes "I was afraid for you too. When they rushed you out bleeding, we were all scared"

Jean looks up at her with surprise "Oh Maureen! Otis mentioned as well. I guess we were all scared. I'm sorry"

Maureen nods and Jean sees in her expression that she wants to say something else "You can tell me, about Jakob. He cried when I woke up"

She nods "Yes, he was pale when he came out of your room. And he made Otis felt better"

Jean nods with a lump in her throat "Thank you for telling me" she whispers "I'm grateful I'm still here".

Chapter Text

Jean sighs with her little girl in her arms, many thoughts swirl in her head, guilt and spite at the first, doubts about Otis and how to approach the subject with him. Concern for the future of her career as a single mother. Doubts about her motherhood and the example she sets for her children. She mostly feels like a complete failure. 

The door opens and it is the nurse who informs her that it is time to put Joy back in the incubator. She nods, kissing her baby’s head, handing her to the young woman.

Four days have passed since her birth, her body is taking time to recover, because of her age of course, but that makes her feel bad. Otis has behaved very well, and with Maureen's help they have been looking after her, and that also makes her feel bad, almost like a useless person. It seems as if all her thoughts are a negative whirlwind that doesn't give her a minute's peace.

She reaches her bed and sits down heavily, feeling a tugging in her loins that makes her wince, but before she can complain a shrill voice makes her turn to look up in surprise.

"Dr. Jean" says Aimee with a big smile "wow, I see you're doing much better already".

“Aimee” she replies frowning, “how you got here?”

The girl blushes a little “Oh… Um… Maureen is outside”

Jean sees that the reception is not what the girl was expecting, so she sighs and apologises, adjusting her hair a little, "Sorry, Aimee. Thanks for coming, you just took me by surprise."

The girl nods "I went to see you at your house for the appointment the day you gave birth, and Goat ate your magazines while Maureen went to pick up some of your things."

Jean smiles and nods “Thank you for the new ones, Aimee. And don’t worry about it” she says, settling herself better on the bed "Do you want to sit down?" she asks, pointing to the chair.

Aimee nods and takes a seat “How are you feeling, Dr. Jean?”

Jean chuckles, shaking her head “Just call me Jean” the girl nods and she continues “I still feel sore from the surgery so I am still under observation. But generally speaking I feel fine”

"I'm glad" the girl says smiling "How's the baby?'

"Oh she's fine. Will have to stay here for a while, but I'm confident about her health" she says with a soft smile

"Oh! a baby girl! That's marvellous!"

Jean chuckles, resting her head back "How have you been, Aimee?"

The girl sighs "I broke up with Steve" she whispers "he cried a lot, and I felt awful. But it was the best"

Jean nods "I'm very proud, Aimee. This is a big step in your recovery"

"Oh, he stayed with Goat" she says quickly, almost interrupting her, "I cried a little, but, after breaking up with him, I couldn't deny it".

Jean nods with a sigh "I'm sorry" 

"It's fine" she says, half smiling "and I want you to know, that I found a wonderful place online where I bought a bunch of vintage tits magazines for you"

Jean laughs holding her lower belly "There was no need, Aimee. But I can't wait to see them"

"I had fun choosing them. I will deliver them to you as soon as they arrive"

Jean nods with a smile

"When will you return home?" She asks

Jean sighs, frowning "In a couple of days"

Aimee looks at her without understanding her expression "You don't want to leave?"

"Oh, it's not that. It's just that Joy will have to stay here for a month or so, and that makes me a little sad."

Aimee pouts "Awe, I'm sorry, poor baby here alone without her mum".

Jean nods "yeah" she whispers, feeling sad again.

The Obgyn smiles "Well Jean, everything seems to be fine, you are out of danger. You should continue to take care of yourself for a couple of weeks, no heavy lifting to take care of your wounds" Jean nods "I know you are anxious to go and leave Joy here, but it won't be for long, 3 weeks at the most".

Jean nods again trying to master her emotions and not succeeding "It's normal to be emotional after all that your body has endured. I think for your statistics you have recovered beautifully"

Jean sighs with half a smile. Her body is definitely healing, but she still feels awful. Her hormones are all over the place and her mind isn't her best friend right now.

"Wanna see your girl before leaving?" She asks her with a smile

"Yeah" Jean whispers, standing up and following the doctor feeling her body heavy and her heart broken. She doesn't want to say goodbye, even if she comes to see her every day for a while, it's not the same, that little girl has been her constant companion for 8 months, and it's not easy to leave her.

The doctor tells the nurse that she will take over and it is she who places the baby in Jean's arms and then sits down next to her.

"I can see that you are distressed and I know you are going through a hard time, but if you need support Jean, you can ask for it, you don't have to do it all alone".  Jean nods, wiping the tears from the corner of her eyes. The doctor continues, "Having a baby is not easy, you know that. And at this point in your life, it will be starting all over again, so we have many groups and specialists at your disposal, for whatever you need."

Jean nods looking down to her baby “thank you” she whispers

The doctor gives her arm a fleeting squeeze and stands up "You can feed her and then you can go home, I'll leave all the exit papers at the front desk".

“Thank you” she says again, returning her attention to her little Joy 

“Hello, baby girl” she whispers, running a finger gently across the baby's cheek "Mummy must go home today", her voice breaks and new tears cloud her eyes "but I'll be here every day. mummy loves you so much".

Sobs erupt from her chest and the little girl in her arms begins to whimper. She tries to calm down so as not to frighten her little girl, but her attempts fail and the baby starts crying.

“Shit” she whispers, uncovering her breast and guiding the little one to her nipple “Come on. Mummy is sorry”. After a few more whimpers, the baby finally latches on to her breast. “Oh, thank god” she says, biting her lip and closing her eyes.

Her mind is once again filled with an endless stream of doubts: will she be able to look after a baby properly?, will she have the patience to care for her?, will she have the strength to do it alone?. She sighs, now is not the time for new doubts.

At the front desk, Maureen is waiting for her. She looks at her with surprise "Oh Maureen, you didn't have to come for me" she says with some embarrassment.

"Nonsense" Maureen says with a smile "I won't let you take a cab when I can come myself"

"Thank you" Jean says, hugging her "You're a good friend"

Jean collects the papers, signs others, receives some instructions and then follows Maureen to the car. With every step she takes away from her daughter, her heart grows heavier. She breathed deeply trying to remain calm, she won't have a breakdown in front of Maureen again, she can't do that.

"Do you need to go to the pharmacy before going home?" Maureen turns to ask

"Yes" she answers quickly "thank you"

Maureen stops walking and sighs "Jean, I know you like to keep things private, I'm the same way. But I want you to know that, no matter what you need, I'm going to be here whenever I can," Jean nods and Maureen gives her a little squeeze on the shoulder, "you'll see that three weeks will fly by. Take advantage of this time to take care of yourself, okay?"

"Okay" Jean whispers with half a smile. 

She can do this, she did it once, she'll do it again.

Chapter Text

Otis welcomes her with a special meal that makes her smile. Maureen does not stay, although they both invite her to do so, to give them the mother-son time they so desperately need.

"You look better mum," says the boy sitting across from her.

She smiles with a sigh "Thank you, darling"

They eat in comfortable silence and a few routine questions. She is grateful that Jakob does not enter into the conversation, because she is not yet ready to talk about it.

"So, how is Maeve" she asks

He looks up at her "She is well, studying in America"

"What?" She asks with surprise "When did this happen?"

He sighs, leaving the cutlery on the plate "The day I told you about her, I came home and she came to say goodbye."

"Oh darling, how are you feeling?"

He frowns "I'm not sure. We're trying a long-distance relationship, but it's harder than I thought it would be."

Jean nods "It is difficult, but not impossible. If you really have feelings for each other, distance can strengthen your relationship and help you get to know each other better."

"Yeah, it's been a week. We'll see, and this is not forever, she's coming back"

"How long will she stay?" She asks, taking another bite to her mouth.

"It is a scholarship for one semester, it will be for the rest of the year." Jean nods and he goes on, "About that. They closed the school, so I have to find another one to finish this year."

"What?" She opens her mouth feeling a bit overwhelmed "I'm in hospital for a week, and it seems like the world is upside down".

Otis nods, returning to his food "I have a list of possible schools"

She sighs, unable to continue eating. "I'm going to start looking for another school, you can't stay at home, Otis." 

He nods and hands her the list "These are the choices, I think I like Cavendish". She nods, stands up and walks to her office.

She sits down heavily at her desk and sighs. The comfort of the familiar makes her feel at ease. She's not sure when she's going back to receive patients, but she'll definitely do it.

She opens the first drawer and there it is, Jakob's letter, she immediately recognizes his handwriting. Her heart stops beating, her mouth goes dry and the lacerating pain in her chest is back. She begins to breathe rapidly trying to calm herself, surely it is a farewell letter and she is afraid to open it but she must do it.

She slowly reaches out and grabs it with shaking hands.

Her hand goes to her chest and she closes her eyes tightly, stopping her tears from falling down her cheeks. She reads the short letter three times in a row. Her heart broken into a thousand pieces. Her love for Jakob was almost equal to the love she felt for Remi, but she did exactly what her husband did to her. She tore him apart.

Otis's phone rings and the screen reads Eric

"Hey, Eric" he replies

"Hey, Outcake. How are you doing, is Jean home yet?"

Otis smiles, standing up and putting the dishes in the sink "Yeah, she's here now"

"I'm so glad, man" Eric says and Otis nods "Have you spoken to Maeve?"

Otis sighs "yes, every day we write to each other several times, and we talk at night".

"I hope things work out Otis, it's about time"

"Thank you, Eric" he says

Otis thinks he hears his mother in her office, but continues to pay attention to Eric.

"Do you think I can go visit her or is it too soon?" Eric asks

A louder sob reaches Otis and he nervously turns to look towards the half open office door "I should hang up Eric, I'll call you later to see if you can come" and before Eric can respond, he walks quickly towards his mother

"Mom" he says opening the door, and there he immediately sees her. She is leaning forward, one hand on the desk holding the letter, one in her mouth trying to hold back the sobs but failing terribly, her eyes shut and fat tears running down her cheeks. 

He frowns and runs to her, kneeling beside her. "Mum, Mum, are you hurt? What's wrong?" he asks nervously.

She turns her face away from her "I'm fine darling. I'm sorry"  

"Don't be sorry. Just tell what's going on" he sighs

She takes a few deep breaths until the sobs stop "Jakob left me a letter and I didn't expect it".

Otis nods, frowning "I'm sorry, mom"

She shakes her head, wiping her tears away "I made a horrible mistake, and now I must face it, even if I don't want to"

Otis nods and stands up "Eric asked me if he could come for a visit?"

"Of course, darling. He's always welcome here" she says with a smile "he's always good company".

"Okay" Otis nods, leaving the room

Jean sighs and puts the letter back in the drawer without looking at it again. She breathes a few times, closing her eyes. She has to be strong, for her children and herself.

The next day Eric arrives after lunchtime. Jean must go in the mornings to bring the expressed milk for her daughter and give her much-needed body heat so that she can be discharged early. 

Being with her little girl comforts her and makes her forget everything else that is going on outside the hospital, her mind quiets down when Joy is in her arms.

The young man brings some sweets to share with Otis and his mother. Jean has always been a great support to him, and he loves her as a close confidant.

"How's baby Joy?" Eric asks her

Jean smiles "She's doing fine, growing healthy"

Eric smiles warmly "I'm so glad. We were worried about you"

"I know" Jean says with a frown "Thank you for being there for Otis, I'm sure it would have been worse for him without your presence"

"Oh, don't thank me. You're very important for all of us" 

Jean frowns "who are we all?"

Eric laughs "I mean… When you came to Moordale we all thought it was funny, but they soon realised how much they needed you. I think we young people need more people like you to guide us."

Jean pouts, feeling a lump in her throat. "Thank you" she whispers "I had a great time there"

Eric smiles reaching a hand to her, she takes it and he squeezes sweetly "I'm very happy to see you well, Jean" 

That week several people arrive to ask how she is feeling, to inquire about the baby's health and to bring her food and gifts. They all miss her therapist and want to know when she will be back to make appointments. But she is still not sure what she will do. She still doesn't feel well enough to give advice to anyone.

Soon her living room starts to fill up with baby stuff. Things she didn't even have time to buy, and for which she is very grateful.

One evening the doorbell rings. Jean goes to open the door and a messenger waits at the door. He smiles cheerfully when he sees her, "Are you Jean Milburn?

"Yes" she says warily

"Very well, I have some things in the truck for you", he then hands her an invoice "please sign here" and with that said he goes upstairs to start bringing the goods downstairs.

She frowns reading the paper, and trying to figure out who is sending her gifts. The sender says Sarah Gibbs, someone completely unknown to her.

Otis walks out to where she is "What's going on?"

She looks up at him "Do you know someone called Sarah Gibbs?"

He thinks for a few seconds "I guess that's Aimee's mum".

"What?" Jean says without understanding.

"Aimee, Mom. She must use her mum's information to be able to buy."

"Oh my God" she says "She's such a sweet girl"

The messenger walks down the stairs with another man, both bringing large boxes carefully

Both mother and son frown, watching the men and wondering what on earth is inside those boxes. Jean shows them to the living room so that they can leave the boxes there and hands over the signed paper.

Inside they find a little green cradle and a rocking horse. Otis looks at her mother and sees tears in her eyes, she half smiles at him, wiping her tears away "These are beautiful, don't you think?"

"Yes, mom" he answers looking around "Joy has lots of presents now"

Jean looks around the room and sighs. She's grateful for all the love to her little one, she never thought so many people would send gifts. She really appreciates all her patients and to see that they do too, warms her heart. 

But the place is a mess and she should try to feel better about fixing the place up before the baby comes home.

Chapter Text

The days do not pass quickly enough, and Jean feels a persistent sadness that makes her feel empty at times. Neither phone calls, nor visits, nor gifts, nor attention from her son make her feel better. And every time she thinks of Jakob she almost chokes with tears.

She calls her manager, Caroline, asking for a new opportunity that can help her out of the hole she is in. The woman promises her to start looking for options that could be interesting for her career. But she doesn't promise her anything fast, arguing that it is too soon for her to return to work, that she should concentrate on getting better, and that she will call her as soon as she knows of any options.

Her sister Johanna, also calls her, which is odd. Jo has always been reckless. Jean never hears from her, but every time she has some news, is to tell her that she has broken up with her newest partner for some banal excuse. She tells her a little about her life and asks her about her own. Nothing too deep, they're not good at it.

Otis is the most affected by his mother's mood swings. When she wakes up she seems in a good mood, but after a few hours she starts to cry for whatever reason. When She thinks of Joy she gets irritated, and when she thinks of Jakob she feels helpless, always being exhausted and low self-esteem, everything so unlike her. And no matter how hard Otis tries to make her feel better, she is unable to be comforted, preferring to retreat to her room so he doesn't see her fall apart.

The only time she seems stable is when someone comes to visit her, because she puts on her best face and attitude for that time. The only other time she is better is when she is in the hospital, with Joy in her arms. So Otis hopes that when his sister gets home, things with his mother will get better.

And when the day finally arrives, Jean gets up early, gets ready, tidies up the house, wakes Otis up, they have breakfast together and then go to the hospital. The nurses have nothing but compliments for the little girl, saying how well-behaved she is and how little she cries. On the way home, Otis drives the car and Jean sits in the back with the baby in her arms, unable to take her eyes off her daughter's face.

Jean's room is ready for the baby. A cot next to her bed, a small lamp with a dim light to illuminate at night while feeding her. An intercom with a base in the bedroom and another one in the living room where the other crib is. A couple of stuffed animals, the breast pumps she has already gotten used to and a cushion to feed her comfortably.

Otis sighs in relief when they arrive at the house, still not used to driving without being a little scared. And he doesn't want anything to happen to his mother or his sister, he's had enough of the terrible night he spent thinking his mother might not make it.

That day passes quietly, both gawking at the little girl's every little movement. Jean can't believe that such a perfect little creature has lived in her womb for 32 weeks. Her little blue eyes, her beautiful nose, her cute little mouth, all of her is absolutely perfect. And that makes her feel so grateful, after having been so afraid throughout the pregnancy that something could go wrong at her age, of some illness or that she could lose her, and after feeling her life fade away just after holding her little girl in her arms for a few seconds. She is more than grateful to be able to continue in the world, being a mother to her two treasures, even alone.

"She's very perfect, Mom. She's a lot like you," says Otis looking at his baby sister in her crib, both sitting on the couch watching a movie they've already watched more than 10 times.

“She is” Jean whispers, looking down to her daughter “absolutely perfect”.

“I know this makes you uncomfortable, but someday you will tell me who the father is, won't you?” he says

She tenses her jaw without taking her eyes off the baby, her breathing hitches a little and when she responds her voice is hoarser than usual. “Otis, please don’t”

“Mom, I need to know, I’m your son” he says

“Yes” she says looking up to him “You’re my son, and as a parent, I have my own battles to fight and my own life to live. You don’t have to know everything, Otis”

He nods, standing up “Okay”, he simply says, and then walks upstairs.

She closes her eyes and sighs, feeling tears forming under her eyelids. Maybe not the best response on her part, she thinks, but there are things she's not yet ready to talk to her son about. After all the advice about safe sex and being responsible that she's given him, it doesn't seem to apply to her own life.

The baby begins to fuss a little in her cot and she picks her up and rocks her a little to calm her down, but it seems to have the opposite effect and the baby begins to squeal loudly. Jean is surprised by the sudden change in her daughter's mood, so she gets up and starts walking back and forth with her, trying to calm her down.

After a few minutes of trying to calm her, all in vain, she sits down again and uncovers her breast to feed her, at first the baby refuses, but after a few attempts the baby finally latches onto her breast. She sighs, leans her head back and closes her eyes.

She knows that her current situation is difficult, she knows that being a mother again is even more complicated, but she hopes that things will get better and that she can become the same confident Jean she was before, for her own sake and for the sake of her children.

The next two days are hard for Jean, but also for Otis. It was one thing to go and see Joy for a few hours, another to have her at home all day, every day. Otis realises how demanding a baby is and for the first time realises how difficult it must be for his mother to have no one to help her.

Joy never seems to sleep and Jean wonders if the nurses lied to make her feel good, or if she is a terrible mother who is unable to calm her daughter down. So her feeling of frustration and worthlessness only grows, making her cry even more. The day before she could not bathe, the baby was in her arms all day and if she slept two hours during the night it was too much.

Otis comes downstairs to find his mother almost lying on the sofa with Joy on her chest, screaming. He sighs, looking at his mother's tear-stained face and grabs Joy's from her arms, he starts making baby faces at her, calming her down.

Jean looks at him with a frown and stands up wiping her face, "How the hell did you do that?"

He shrugs "I don't know"

She sits down heavily and covers her face with her hands, crying again. 

Otis sits next to her with Joy on one arm and stroking her back with his free hand, "Mom, you need to calm down. I know it's hard and your life has been turned upside down. But you're not alone, I'm here and you can ask me for help."

Jean shakes her head still covering her face with her hands "No, you are my son, this is not your responsibility. It's mine."

He sighs "I don't care what you think. I'm here and I'm going to stay with Joy while you go upstairs and take a shower."

She looks up at him, her lips trembling and her eyes red from crying.

"Go," he says with a half-smile.

She bites her lower lip and with a sigh, stands up and climbs the stairs.

Otis lies on the sofa with Joy in his arms, takes his phone out of his pocket and calls Maeve.

"Hey Dickhead" she says

"How are you, Maeve?" he asks

"What's going on? I can hear in your voice that something's off"

“Oh nothing, I’m just worried about mom” he says with a sigh

“How are things going with your sister? Is that what's bothering your mother?”

“No, but I am worried about a relapse. Ten years ago, when dad left, she had a severe depression. I'm afraid the same thing will happen again.”

Maeve sighs heavily “Well, just be there for her, she is going through a hard time. And be a good brother, I know you can be the best at it”

Otis smiles and kisses Joy’s head “Thanks, Maeve” he says “And how are you doing? Lots of new friends?”

They continue talking for a while, until his mother comes downstairs, hair brushed and clothes clean. “Thank you Otis," she says, taking the baby from his arms, "I definitely needed a bath," she says, half laughing.

He nods, his phone still in his ear and goes upstairs to finish his conversation away from his mother.

Jean sighs looking around, there are still a lot of boxes everywhere, dirty clothes are starting to pile up and there are dirty dishes. But she is sure that the situation will improve and that she will soon find the strength to go back to the way she was before, and even better.

Joy kicks her legs a little and Jean looks down to see her, if she can't be strong for herself, she must be strong for her children.

Chapter Text

She thought things would be different, that she would be happy and smiling, that she would fall madly in love with her little girl, but all she feels is fear, apprehension and sadness. A deep sadness that doesn't allow her to enjoy anything at all and that forces her to cry three or four times a day. Joy is absolutely perfect, a sweetheart, but she cries all the time and she doesn't know what to do. The only one who seems to be able to calm her down is Otis making strange faces at her, but she doesn't even have the courage to try that.

With each passing day the house goes from a bad state to a worse one, dirty clothes accumulate everywhere, the only thing that stays clean is the baby's clothes, because they get dirty in a few hours and have to be constantly changed. Jean sometimes can't remember the last time she took a bath, because the days go by with sleepless nights, preventing her from thinking properly.

“Mom” Otis says behind her, making her jump

“Darling” she says, turning around with Joy in her arms “Were you talking to me?”

Otis sighs, shaking his head “Maureen, is here” he says, stepping aside so that her mother can see her friend right in front of her

Jean frowns and tries to smile, but all she manages to achieve is an unpleasant grimace of surprise. “Maureen, hi!”

Maureen looks her friend up and down and frowns with a tinge of concern "I decided to come because you weren't answering my messages, I'm so sorry to drop in on you like this".

Jean shakes her head "Oh, don't worry. I guess the time has flown by and I haven't had time to check my phone."

Maureen nods and looks at Joy with a smile "she's getting so big" 

Jean nods "Yeah" she says kissing her head "you wanna hold her?"

Maureen nods, getting closer and welcoming the baby from her arms "Hello! " She whispers, then looks up at Jean "Why don't you go and take a shower? I'll help you clean up a bit later"

Jean frowns, closing her eyes "This is so embarrassing"

"Not at all" Maureen says touching her arm "you're just tired. Go ahead"

Jean nods and goes upstairs with teary eyes. Otis looks at Maureen and whispers "thank you"

Jean goes to her room and closes the door behind her, her eyes blurred with tears that begin to roll down her cheeks uncontrollably. Once again someone from the outside reminds her how badly she is doing, apparently she can't do anything on her own without ruining it. 

She covers her mouth with her hand to prevent a sob from escaping her mouth and tries to take several long, deep breaths to calm herself down so she can do what she was sent to do.

She looks for a quick change of clothes, but there are only pyjamas, so she throws all the dirty clothes in a basket and then grabs a pair of pyjamas, underwear and walks to the bathroom.

15 minutes later, Jean comes down with wet hair over her shoulders, the laundry basket against her left hip and a forced smile on her face. "Thank you so much, Maureen" she says "I'm gonna put this laundry in the wash and come back to relieve you of Joy, who must be hungry again by now". Maureen just smiles watching her walk towards the kitchen.

Jean returns and sits down next to her on the sofa "I put some tea in'', she says and grabs Joy from her arms, then unbuttons her maternity bra and exposes her breast, getting Joy to latch quickly. "How are you, Maureen?"

Maureen looks at her with a bit of concern but smiles "very well, single again, and I started self-defence classes".

Jean raises her eyebrows in surprise and smiles "Oh wow! That sounds pretty good, I guess".

"Yes" she says "I'm happy on my own'

"I'm glad" Jean whispers and then sighs looking down to her baby girl, 

Maureen sighs and stares at her friend "Jean, it's okay not to be perfect all the time" the blonde looks up and frowns "you're an extraordinary woman Jean, and I know this is hard, I know you didn't want to do this again alone, so, I'll always be here when you need me, that's what friends are for."

Jean's eyes fill with tears, and the baby lets go of her breast, making a small sound of displeasure. She quickly covers her chest and lays the little girl on her shoulder, patting her back lightly. Then she turns to her friend again, "Thank you, Maureen. And I don't try to be perfect, I just want to be a good mother, and right now I feel like I'm failing at that."

She begins to sob softly and the baby begins to whimper. "I'm sorry, baby girl" Jean says, caressing her baby's back "mommy is fine".

Maureen smiles patting her leg "How about if I prepare food, are you hungry?" She asks standing up

"Oh no, it's okay Maureen, you don't have to do that" Jean says, blushing a little.

"Nonsense, let me help you" she says, not listening to her, walking towards the kitchen.

Jean follows her and looks in horror at the disgusted look on Maureen's face as she sees all the dirty dishes piled up on the counter. 

"Maureen.. " she says but the woman dismisses her with a hand gesture 

"Don't worry, I'm cleaning up the mess, and then we'll figure out what to have for dinner"

Jean sighs, wishing for the earth to burst from under her feet and swallow her up

The rest of the afternoon passes quickly, the two women chatting and preparing a quick dinner. Jean forgetting for a while her shame and sadness. When it's time to say goodbye, Jean almost feels like crying. The emotional and physical support of another person is the only thing that comforts her, and although Otis tries, it's not the same.

Before walking away from the house, Maureen turns to look at Jean "Promise me that if you don't feel well you will call me, no matter if you think it's not worth it or that it's silly, promise?"

Jean nods with a tight smile “Okay”

“Good” she says with a smile and walks away

Once inside, Jean feels how her happy exterior crumbles,  Joy starts to cry and Jean cries with her, damn it, it's all a bloody joke. Her mind tells her that she is alone, that her happiness will not last and that she sucks as a mother.

Joy's face turns red and the poo comes out of her nappy, soiling her clothes and Jean's too. Jean feels herself going crazy. "Shit," she says softly, feeling more tears roll down her cheeks.

She comes up the stairs, Joy in her arms screaming. She takes the baby bath foam from her room and goes to the bathroom with her. Everything stinks, so she puts the foam in the tub and the baby on top, starts undressing her and more poo spills everywhere, turning the tub into a complete mess.

Jean stands up, leaving the baby and her mess in the bath and washes her hands in the sink while sobbing. Joy's screams increase as her body cools in the bath. Jean takes off her pyjama shirt and puts it to one side in the tub next to the baby's clothes, turns on the water and waits until it is just the right temperature for the baby. Grabbing the hose, she starts to rinse her gently, taking a deep breath and calming herself down a little.

The baby starts to calm down, feeling the pleasantly warm water on her body. Just as Jean is finishing, Otis runs up the stairs, and finds her kneeling by the bathtub. She turns to look at him and he ducks his gaze at the sight of her in just her bra.

"Honey, can you take Joy, put her nappy and pyjamas on, while I get cleaned up?"

"Sure," he says, wrapping Joy in the cat-eared towel and carrying her to her mother's room to get her dressed.

Jean takes a quick shower and finds Joy in the cot next to her bed, calm and perfumed. So, she takes the dirty clothes and puts them in the washing machine, after taking out the dry ones. But Joy starts crying before she can hang it up, so Otis comes downstairs and tells her that he's taking care of the laundry so she can go tend to her little girl.

Jean closes her eyes as Joy feeds at her breast and thinks about how lucky she is to have Otis at home with her, and reassures herself that it is enough and that she should be grateful for it without being overcome with sadness, even though deep down she feels her life is slowly falling apart.

Chapter Text

“Okay sweetie, at Cavendish they are very willing to accept you even if it's only for half the year. They seem to have a very good educational plan, although I still have some questions that they didn't know how to answer. But I think in general it's a very inclusive and attractive college. Do you still think it's the best option between the two finalists?” Jean asks, Joy sleeping in her arms.

“Yeah, I just wanna finish this year and figure out what where to go next” he says, nodding while drinking his tea

“Okay, I’m gonna call again and tell them your decision. Even though, I gotta say, this school is a bit far from here, darling. It’s gonna take a little bit longer for you to get there on your bike”.

He sighs “I know, mom. I think the exercise will be good for me”

Jean smiles, looking at his fuller face but deciding not to talk about “Alright”

Otis looks around the house when his mother walks to her study to make the call. Her depression has increased, she sleeps little and doesn't eat much either, although Joy certainly does, which is why she is thinner too.

But now when she cries at night and doesn't attend to Joy enough, he is the one who sometimes has to leave his room and go to soothe the little one, which is affecting him too. He doesn't know what will happen when he has to go to school. Can he trust that his mother will be okay while he's away? Will Joy be okay? These are questions he shouldn't be asking because they are not his responsibility, but there is no one else who can help. Well, there are some people, but his mother probably won't like them. Time will determine the next step.

Her manager calls her with a new proposal out of the blue, but her mind, which has been everywhere but her well-being, may be betraying her, because the truth is she doesn't remember asking her to look for opportunities.

But as the conversation progresses, she realises that she actually called her to ask for a new chance, a new beginning. And just a few weeks after she did it, the opportunity she wanted so badly came along, a radio show about sexuality.

Jean looks down at her little girl in her cot and bites her lower lip with a frown. Joy has just been born and needs her mother full time, what on earth was she thinking when she spoke to her manager. She's not even back to serving her regular clients.

Not to mention that Otis won't be happy with the news, the house is upside down, more dirt is piling up every day, Joy never stops crying and pooping. Jean sighs, closes her eyes and turns her attention to her manager who is still on the phone.

"Just go for the interview in two weeks, nothing is set in stone yet, she just wants to meet you."

“Okay” Jean replies “Thank you”.

She leaves the mobile phone on the table and frowns, her gaze lost in the horizon as she rocks the small cradle her daughter occupies. Maybe the only thing she needs to get back to her old self is to have a purpose other than keeping her daughter alive and healthy. Otis is almost a man and honestly doesn't need her anymore. He goes back and forth with his friends, talks for hours with his girlfriend by video call, and hardly ever makes conversation or asks her anything. So maybe this interview is a good thing.

She sighs and looks around, there is a pile of dirty dishes accumulating in the sink, a laundry basket in the middle of the kitchen, various Joy's clothes spread out to be folded and put away, and Jean feels a headache start to form in her temples. When the hell will this desire to do nothing and just cry end?

Otis feels completely neglected, his mother is a bundle of nerves and hysteria. And every day that goes by is worse, there are days when she doesn't even see or hear him, and only attends and takes care of Joy on autopilot. 

There are days when Otis would also like to scream, but he knows his mother's past, and he knows he must be with her, make her feel better, and repay her for all the love she has given him, even if it is difficult.

Every time someone says they want to visit Otis refuses, the only one who has seen all the mess in the house is Maureen, because she knows what her mother is going through, she brings food for several days and helps to tidy up a bit. But ever since Joy was brought home and his mother started to stop being herself, Otis has not invited Eric or anyone else over. He prefers to go out for a while and not let anyone see how far his mother's mental health has crumbled.

His father rarely calls and for that he is grateful. He knew his mother was pregnant when she gave birth because he was terrified and called him crying, but he didn't care much either because he only called once afterwards to check on him and hasn't called or texted since. And Otis supposes it's better that way. Since Delilah left him he is also in a bad state and probably doesn't even have the courage to call, or he has already found someone else to sleep with. Most likely the latter, just hope he doesn't get another woman pregnant and leave more children abandoned.

Joy won't stop crying and Otis comes downstairs to see what's going on. Her mother is on the sofa with a blank stare, tears streaming down her cheeks, and the little girl is in the cot, red-faced, fists clenched in the air and a high-pitched screech that seems to have no end.

The whole room smells of poo and so Otis realises why the baby is crying "Mom," he says, raising his voice and bringing the woman out of her trance.

She jumps a little, whipping her tears away and looking at him with a fake smile “Darling” she says “I must change her nappy” she whispers, as if nothing is happening.

Otis sighs, clenching his fists "I'm going to the shop, you need me to get something?"

“Yes” she says “Coffee, wipes and bananas” 

He nods, walking fast towards the door, taking his jacket and leaving the house. He feels like screaming, but contains. She’s going to be fine, she has to, or he will never be able to have a life again.

Chapter Text

She has been staring at herself in the mirror for maybe fifteen minutes and hasn't even seen her face. Her eyes do not see her image, her mind shows her a series of distorted images of her own reality that she is not able to decipher. Her reflection is a deep emptiness without light or sound, she has never felt so inadequate in her life.

The last few days have been the worst of her life, well maybe not the worst, but close to it. When Remi left she was devastated, aimless, completely lost in her own suffering. But when Jakob left, for the first time she felt completely alone.

Now she's just feeling exhausted and incompetent. She constantly feels she's not good enough, as if he was not the right person to take care of her little girl. And she was sure that the feeling of frustration and worthlessness would get better, but it hasn't, and she honestly doesn't know what to do anymore.

She turns her gaze to her little girl who looks at her and shakes her little body. She has to get better for her, just like she did with Otis, she just needs to remind herself how lucky she is to have her.

She half smiles at her baby, feeling a warming sensation inside her heart, she's sure her daughter has the power to heal her broken pieces, little by little. She just has to try harder.

She takes the little girl from her cradle and rests her against her chest, caressing her crown and kissing her forehead. The baby smell is comforting and delightful, she wishes her scent would linger on her and make her feel better all the time. Because that little princess in her arms is her newest treasure, she wanted her, she carried her and she loves her with her whole self. 

Otis knocks and peeks through the door with a smile "morning mum, I've brought you some tea".

She beams, reaching out an arm for him to come closer. He puts the cup on the bedside table and approaches her.

“What's going on, mum?” He asks

She says nothing, but she hugs him with one of her arms and squeezes him tightly "I love you, darling" she says in a breathy voice.

He holds her, frowning. He has felt neglected by his mother, and feeling her express her love for him brings tears to his eyes "I love you too, mum".

“I'm sorry I'm such a mess, some days I can't even stand myself. I'm sorry” she whispers 

He shakes his head, “it's okay” he says

Even though he feels left out, he knows she is having a hard time, maybe because of a bad decision of her own, but she needs support and he will give it to her as far as he is able.

She nods and sighs "When do you start at the new school?"

He pulls away from her and sits on the bed "Oh, um, next week".

"Already? Wow!" She says, rocking her baby “How are you feeling about it?”

He raises his eyebrows and shakes his head “I don't know, I just don't want to have an opinion in advance but wait and see how it goes”.

“That's good, very good. It is good to always keep an open mind and not to judge with other people's opinions, that makes us enjoy every moment and person in the best possible way”

He smiles looking down to the floor, knowing that no matter how bad her mother may be, her inner therapist never fails to give the best advice.

“Yeah” he answers, “ it's a new chance to change my behaviour and start really helping people”

“Oh” she says looking up at him “Do you want to continue with the clinic?”

He smiles, shaking his head "yes, but without charge".

She nods looking away with a frown 

“What?” He asks

She returns her gaze to him “are you sure?” She asks, unsure 

“Look, I know I made a mistake, and believe me I learned my lesson. But I really like this and now I'm sure this is what I want to do. I want to be as good as you”

“Oh, darling” she whispers “Thank you”

“You really are, mom. And I hope you won't stop sharing your gift with others. I know it's hard now, but I also know that if you don't do it again this city will lose the best sex and relationship therapist it can have”.

She sighs, putting the baby down in her cot “I will, it's just too soon, and Joy deserves my attention right now”.

“Jean Milburn speaking,” she says, answering her phone.

“Hi, Jean. I’m calling to tell you, the station moved the interview to next Monday, apparently they need to start early and want to move the whole process forward.” her manager says

She answers but it’s automatic, because she isn’t even listening. Her mind is once again a whirlwind of unrestrained thoughts that prevent her from concentrating.

Will she be able to do it? Will she be able to go back to work so soon? And what about Joy? What will Otis say? She can't tell Otis, she'll only tell him at the last minute, he'll tell her it's not wise and this is an opportunity she can't miss, or is she being selfish? She can't force her son to help her, but what if no other opportunities present themselves?

"Jean, can you hear me?" she hears and snaps out of her reverie

“Yes, I’m here, I’ll be there, don’t worry. Thank you” she says and hangs up

Joy wakes up and starts crying in her cot in the living room, she walks over to the baby and lifts her up in her arms, rocking her a little to calm her down.

Life has left her alone once again, but she has her children, and for them alone it is worth trying to rebuild her life from scratch.

Chapter Text

“Hey, turtle” she says with a happy voice

Jean sighs cradling the baby in her arms “What’s going on, Jo?” she asks

“What do you mean?” her sister asks

“You never call me, you don’t care about my life or my family, so, what’s happening? What do you need?”

“I can’t believe you” she says raising her voice “I can never be nice to my sister because it's suspicious. You know what, I don't need anything, I called to see how you were, but I don't care anymore, bye” she says hanging up 

Jean throws the mobile phone down hard on the sofa, with an exasperated sigh, Joanna always knows how to get on her nerves. Otis enters the house and greets his mother with a kiss on the forehead, she hands him the baby to take care of her while she goes to the kitchen to prepare dinner.

"Your aunt called again, which is very strange, don't you think?" she asks her son.

He just lifts his shoulders and looks away from her.  

"She only calls when she's in trouble, I'm sure she left her boyfriend and needs a place to stay, I won’t let her come here, she’s always such a mess." she says, more to herself.

“Coffee or tea?” she asks

“Tea is fine, thanks” Otis says, putting his sister down on the cot and walking to the kitchen “How are you feeling, mom?”

She looks up at him “I’m great” she says with a smile

"Ok" he says, taking a seat, as she serves dinner “Maeve is writing a novel”

“Oh, really? That’s fantastic” Jean says genuinely interested “How is she doing?”

“She’s happy there, very actually” he says with a sad tone

“Oh, darling. That’s a good thing. I know you miss her, but you must support her”

“I do, really. I just wish she were here”

She nods taking a seat in front of him “Everything is going to be just fine, you'll see. Now eat”

The night went on forever, and the next morning Jean is like a sleepwalker, tired and in low spirits. Today is the day of her interview and she can't miss it. Her breasts are full of milk, but she has an onset of mastitis that threatens to make her go crazy. so she tries to feed Joy, not successfully, then tries to calm her down, and then goes for a quick shower before Otis gets up.

She chooses a pantsuit, her eternal favourites, half-dries her hair and ties it in a bun so that the baby won't pull it out, and goes down to the kitchen with Joy in her arms. The kitchen is a mess, and remembers she didn't wash up any of the dinner last night. 

She sighs and puts the baby in the little cradle in the kitchen, then looks for cabbage leaves that carefully puts on her engorged breasts, tries to fix the mess but soon gets discouraged and opens the fridge door to get the coffee and her mind goes blank.

Otis finds her with the fridge door open looking into the void, Joy crying in the cot, and he wonders how long she’s been there.

“Morning” he says putting his backpack down

“Morning darling” Jean says, still looking in the fridge

“Hello, Joy” Otis says “You are making a noise this morning. Hello, hello. What’s up?” he continues, putting on his jacket and taking the little one from her cot.

Joy squeals while he makes funny noises “Come on, what’s the matter?” he says, leaning her on his shoulder

Jean finally turns away from the fridge and he says hello again “You all right?” he asks looking down to her cleavage

“I forgot why I opened the fridge” she answers, absent-mindedly.

He chuckles walking away from her “You’re… dressed. You going somewhere today?” he asks

“I didn’t tell you? I’ve got a job interview” she says with a nervous smile “It’s to host a new radio show about sex”

He frowns with a worried expression “Do you think it’s a good idea to be going back to work?” and his eyes go back toy her cleavage

“Oh…” she says following his eyes, down to her breasts “Oh, it’s just cabbage leaves. It’s all right” she continues, organising the things she needs to carry to the interview “I, uh… I’ve got a blocked duct. They help” she finishes, holding her left breast

“Okay, well…I just think it might be a bit soon” he says looking down

“I had a baby, darling. Not a lobotomy”

He groans, closing his eyes, trying not to lose his patience

“My agent thinks it’s a good opportunity” she smiles “Coffee” she says suddenly, remembering why she opened the fridge. 

“Oh, bollocks” she exclaims, finding the coffee can empty. She looks up to her son “Do you mind popping to the shop with Joy while I’m gone and picking some up?

Otis sighs, rolling his eyes

“Maybe some… wet wipes, and… I’ll send you a list”

He catches up with her and hands her the baby “Well, actually, Mum, it’s my first day at the new school, remember?”

“What, today?” she asks

“Uh-huh” she answers

“I totally forgot” she says, taking Joy from him

“Yeah I should get going”

Joy starts to cry in her arms and Otis looks at her with a worried expression “But if you need me to stay…”

“No, we’ll be fine. Don’t be silly” she says, rocking the baby “we’ll be fine! I’m fine! We’ll be fine”

He gets his backpack, unsure about her answer but needing to go “Bye”

“Bye. Don’t worry” she says with a fake smile, then she says “Fuck” quietly when he walks away.

Of course today was the first day, and of course the same day was her interview, she remembered the latter and consciously left it out so he wouldn't criticise her, but she had forgotten about school completely and now she was screwed. 

There was no one she could call at the last minute to drop off her newborn, and she couldn't take her to the interview either. What the hell was she going to do? Perhaps Maureen, she had not asked her before. And it was not as if they were talking much. Although the times she had visited her, she had been very friendly with her and had offered to look after Joy if she needed it, but could she really ask her.

“Hello?” Maureen says answering her phone

“Hello, Maureen. Hi. Uh, I know it’s a long shot, but you wouldn’t be able to take Joy for a couple of hours? Would you?” she says, placing Joy in the carrier seat and strapping her in.

“Oh, Jean, I’d love to, but I’ve got my self-defense class, and I’m getting a belt today, so… Any other time, I’d be there in a flash” Maureen says, grabbing her bag from the table to leave

“All right, well, um, thanks anyway. It was short notice” she says putting her bag in the boot

“Is everything all right?” she asks, a bit worried

“Yeah! Yeah. No, I’m fine. It’s all good. Okay, thanks. I’d better run. Bye” she says closing the door

“Oh, okay. Bye”

Jean sighs, feeling a headache forming at the base of her head. Of course, everything could not be perfect. Getting a new job opportunity in something she likes had to have its tests, and this was one of them. - Breathe Jean - she says to herself and takes a deep breath, closing her eyes. She will have to go to the station and improvise.

The trip to the station is relatively quiet, Joy took the opportunity to sleep with the swaying of the car, something that Jean is grateful for, the problem is to know what to do with her while she is being interviewed.

She holds the child gently so that she doesn't wake up, fixes her hair and clothes and enters the station with a smile. “Hello, my name is Jean Milburn, I'm here for an interview”.

The girl smiles at her but when she looks at the carrier in her hand her smile disappears "Give me a moment, I'll let Celia know you're here".

“Of course,” Jean says, turning around and losing her smile. She looks down at Joy, the baby sighs in her sleep and Jean does the same

“Excuse me, Doctor MIlburn” the girl says. Jean turns around again, a smile coming back to her lips “Celia is waiting for you”

Jean excitates for a moment “Uh… could you do me a favour and keep an eye on the baby while I go in? I'm sure it won't be a problem, she has just fallen asleep”.

The girl looks at her a bit nervously "Well, this is not something I normally do, I don't know anything about children and frankly I don't want to do it. If she starts crying or wakes up, I'll have to give her back to you".

Jean looks at her and nods "Sure, no problem" She replies and puts the charger down on the floor next to the young girl. “Thank you” she says and walks inside.

Jean leaves the station feeling overwhelmed. It is true that getting this opportunity was what she wanted, but now she doesn't know what she is going to do with her life. First there is Joy, she is just a baby who needs her all the time and depends on her completely. Then there's Otis, this is something she's sure he won't like and she's not sure how she's going to tell him, it'll be a bombshell for him. And thirdly, there is the responsibility of creating this programme, in a completely unknown format for her and live, with who knows how many people listening to her, she will have to study hard not to make a mistake.

"Fuck" she says to herself, hitting the handlebars of the car. Where the hell is the self-confident Jean when she needs it. She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths to keep from crying, because she knows that if she continues on this train of thoughts, she will most likely start crying soon, and her eyes are already red enough from crying all the time.

She just has to find a way to put her life back in order. To arrange her time in a diary, to make time for Joy, for Otis, for research and for doing the radio show. It's not that hard, she just has to trust herself more. She just has to trust.

Chapter Text

She comes down again to find her sister sitting on the couch with Joy sleeping in her arms “You look great” her sister says with a smile looking her up and down.

“You said I looked like shit a few minutes ago”

“Well, you did” she explains “20 minutes ago”

Jean sighs, crossing her arms “What did Otis tell you?

“Oh, he was so worried, poor boy” she says casually “He said you need help, and I'm your sister, what are sisters for?”

Jean licks her lips nervously “Look, Jo. It's been difficult, but I'm fine, I'm not a child…”

“About that” she says interrupting her “Why did you decide to have a baby and not tell me?”

“Jo” Jean tries

“I think it's great, she's absolutely beautiful”

“Jo” she tries again

“But I didn't get to see you during this pregnancy, and only once when you were pregnant with Otis”

“Jo, can you please let me talk?” Jean asks, raising her voice 

Joanna raises her eyebrows and Joy wakes up with a wail

“Shit” Jean says reaching for her baby

"Joanna, talking to you is not easy, you never listen," Jean says trying to calm her daughter, "why would I tell you I was pregnant? How would that have changed things?

"Nothing, you should just let me in on your stuff, because I'm your sister." She says, frustrated 

"As you share yours?" Jean says and sighs "look I don't want to argue now, I just need to calm Joy down so I can leave".

"I can do it," she says, trying to reach for the baby again.

But Jean frowns, turning away from her, "I must feed her now, and teach you her routine".

She sits down, unlatching her nursing bra and guiding the baby to her nipple “She cries a lot, you must walk her around and talk to her”

“Jean, you don't have to worry, I can take care of her”

Jean sighs looking down to her baby girl and feels her lips trembling “I can't help it, she's so little”

Joanna frowns watching her sister start shaking, losing control little by little. She approaches her, sitting right next to her “What's wrong, Turtle?

Jean shakes her head, closes her eyes and takes a deep breath “I'm fine, I just feel bad about leaving her here”

“I'll take good care of her, turtle. I promise” she says caressing her back “You just worry about your new job”

Jean looks up at her sister with a frown “Promise me, Jo. Tell me she’s gonna be alright”

Joanna nods very slowly “I promise”, putting her hand on her knee “I’m here Jean, let me help you, okay?”

Jean nods looking back at her daughter, who is unlatching from her breast and closing her eyes. She quickly rests her on her shoulder before she falls asleep, managing to get the gas out of the little girl.

“All right, here is the list of everything you have to do, likes and dislikes. There is breast milk in the fridge, remember to warm it up. I hope it doesn't take too long, even if I have to go earlier today I'll be back as soon as I can. Let her sleep, and don't feed her just before I get back because I'm sure my breasts will be bursting at that time”.

Joanna just nods with a smile while holding the baby

“Say something, Joanna” Jean says with exasperation

She chuckles “Relax, you are overreacting, it’s just a couple of hours”

Jean sighs, grabbing the jacket from the back of the sofa and putting it on "God, wish me luck, I can't ruin this opportunity."

“You will be fine” Joanna says with a smile “you have always been”

Jean bits her lower lip and nods “Yeah”. She grabs her bag and goes to leave, but turns around again and goes to give Joy a kiss on the forehead and strokes her cheek, then looks at her sister "Thank you for being here, Jo".

“You’re most welcome” she says beaming.

“Oh hello Jean! Welcome to your first show, how do you feel?” Celia says, greeting her

“Fine, anxious, but I think I’m ready” she answers with a shaky smile

“Oh, you’ll be fine. Come” The woman says, walking ahead of her towards the radio booth.

Of all the times Jean has started a new project in her life, this is perhaps the scariest. And it's not because she's not ready, or because it's something far away from her. No, on the contrary, she has already been a guest on radio shows several times and knows how it works, and she knows very well the subject she is going to talk about, she has been doing it for years, she is the expert. But somehow she feels taken out of her comfort zone, out of one-on-one therapy, out of that personal enclosure, out of that close connection. She doesn't know if her knowledge will work in this format and that terrifies her.

Not to mention, she has a baby at home with her outgoing sister she hasn't seen in years, and a teenage son who has been a great support but who no longer trusts her like he used to and is becoming more and more distant.

A failed love in her late fifties, one that she dreamed would be the final one, but she is definitely pathologically incapable of loving someone completely and trusting them with her life and her space, not to mention that she became a liar trying to protect the false well-being she wanted for her children.

- Shit, you need to shut up, this is no time to let your mind go to places and conversations that have nothing to do with this moment, just breathe, focus on the work and everything will be fine.- She says to herself, breathing slowly.

And nothing goes the way she wanted it. First Joanna doesn't answer her damn phone for who knows what reason, and not hearing from Joy makes her nervous. Then her notes are all over the place and she can't get them in order. She forgets the show phone. She doesn't answer questions the way she'd like to, and her knowledge sounds more like something recited from a book than a conversation. She just hopes that no one who knows her has heard such a mess.

Celia doesn't seem very impressed but doesn't make any comment, just to remember to keep all her notes in order and to relax a bit.

Jean goes home feeling frustrated. In the car, on the way home, her mind continues to torture her mercilessly. But when she remembers that there is a baby at home waiting for her, her negative thoughts dissipate a little giving way to worry. Although Otis must be home by now and there are no messages on her mobile, everything must be under control, or so she hopes.

Chapter Text

Desperate crying awakens Jean from slumber, Joy kicks hard in her cot, eyes squeezed shut and big tears running down her cheeks. Jean wipes the sleep from her eyes with her hands and gets up to feed the little girl. Jean kisses her forehead and cheek, whispering tender words as she unbuttons her top to help her daughter reach her nipple. The little one quickly starts sucking with small sounds. 

Outside the house is silent, only the sound of the shower is heard through the wall, Otis getting ready for school. As the baby feeds, Jean recalls her first ordeal the day before at the radio station and closes her eyes with a sigh, knowing that she will have to do better or her last dream will go down the drain.

After the little one finishes feeding, Jean leaves her on the bed for a moment and puts on a dressing gown, grabs her hair with a clip and grabs the baby again, heading downstairs. Today is her first day at Joy's stimulation classes and she has to be on time.

Jean goes down to the first floor and notices that her living room is back to the way she likes it, not the mess she found the night before. Joanna noticed that, as she let her know and didn't seem to make a big deal of it, she was always so relaxed about her life and things.

But apparently he did listen to her and acted with haste, because apart from everything being in its place, the boxes are not in any visible place, there are no toys scattered on the floor, no dirty dishes, and no unfolded clothes.

Jean half-smiles with pleasure and walks to the kitchen to prepare a light breakfast.

Did you clean, mum?

Joy fusses in her arms while she walks her around “No, I think Joanna did”

“Oh” Otis says, looking straight at her and trying to call her attention, but Jean just keeps walking and looking around without even noticing

“Have you seen my bright green dress, darling?” she asks him, searching through some folded clothing

“No” he answers, also looking around “Um… I’ve gotta go” he says walking around the kitchen to the door “I’m not gonna be back till late tonight”

Jean continues her search without giving much importance to her son's words. “All right. Well, have fun”

“Thanks” He moves closer to her and stands in front of her, striking a pose so that she finally notices him, but she keeps ignoring him. He sighs and leaves a little bit disappointed.

Jean continues to look around trying to find her dress, she is sure it was in the laundry and that she took it out of the dryer the night before, along with the flowered scarf. Maybe her sister has it, she's the one who got up early and rearranged the room just the way she likes it. 

Maybe having Joanna in the house won't be so bad, with her help she can do more and focus on improving her presentation for the programme. Hearing the silence in the house, Jean looks down at the baby and sees her asleep. She carefully walks to the living room and puts her in the little pram. 

Then she starts looking for her sister, sure that she is not on the first floor, she goes out to the balcony and backyard, but does not see her, so she finally walks to the front door and finds her outside, wearing the green dress.

“Can I have my dress, please?” she says

“What dress?" Joanna replies feigning ignorance.

“The one you’re wearing”

“It was in the drying rack” she says while taking it off with a sigh

“There was a scarf on the drying rack too. White with flowers” Jean says, receiving the dress from her sister’s hand

she lifts her shoulders, swearing ignorance “Are you gonna thank me for, uh… the cleaning?”

Jean half smiles, knowing she’s changing the subject “Thank you for cleaning. And for stealing my clothes”

Joanna nods. “Oh, I’ve got this baby group thing. Do you want to come with me?” Jean asks, a little hopeful

“Um… No. I’m good. I think I’m just gonna hang out here” she says turning around and looking at the tree house “What’s that creepy tree house all about?”

“My ex built it. Never really liked it”

Joanna turns to her again, “The ex that’s not Joy’s father?”

Jean just ignores her “You can do your own washing later if you want” is her response before turning around and re-entering the house.

She feels a pang of remorse when she hears her sister talking about her ex. The truth is that things with Jakob didn't work out from the beginning, the fact that he refused couples therapy and that in a hasty decision they decided to move in together was the biggest mistake. They already knew there were irreconcilable differences between them, not to mention the fact that he wasn't really Joy's father, it was one mistake after another, and she's not sure she'll be able to forgive herself in the near future.

She takes a deep breath with her eyes closed, this is no time for tears. She has a busy morning with her little girl and must focus and move on. 

Looking at the dress in her hand she realises that it might not be the best choice to go to a stimulation class in a dress, she'd better choose something else.

On the way to class Jean feels a bit nervous, the fact that she is an older mother doesn't worry her much anymore. After almost dying in childbirth, that seems to have lost its importance. What worries her is that she won't fit in because of her thoughts or that they will realise that she is a mess at the moment and perhaps see her as an incompetent mother. 

The place is colourful, a bit hippie, with instruments, patterned curtains, polished wooden floors, coloured crystal chandeliers, incense smell and generally pleasant.

Looking around she notices that all the women are younger than her, but no one seems to care about Jean's age, all with their babies smiling and waving and taking up some mats on the floor. Jean feels calmer as she unloads the nappy bag on the floor and sits down on the mat. Choosing the pantsuit was the best thing to do after she had changed the dress Jo had worn, not a very practical outfit to this particular event.

After the disastrous introduction and the looks of pity for her from the others, the class is quite pleasant, and both she and Joy manage to relax. If she wants to get her life back on track, she needs to find more spaces like this, to connect with the strong woman she has always been, without fear, without shame, without remorse. For Joy, for Otis and for herself.

After pleasant goodbyes and a promise to come back in a week, Jean leaves the classroom more relaxed, Joy immediately falls asleep in her baby stroller and she smiles, everything can definitely get better, she just needs to give herself some extra time to reconnect.

As she walks along she sees her sister coming out of the bank and frowns, who knows what she is up to now “Jo? I thought you were staying at home”

Joanna looks surprised but manages to pull herself together quickly. “Uh, yeah, the, uh… the bank, uh… they blocked my card. Fell for one of those bloody text scam things” she says and then looks down at the baby.

Jean knows she’s lying, but they are in the middle of the street and Joanna won’t tell her the truth now, so she lets it pass, for now. “Right”

“Are you gonna take me home?” Joanna asks changing the subject

Jean looks at her and then notices she’s again wearing something of hers “Nice belt”

“I found it on your bedroom floor, so…” Jo answers, readjusting her belt

“Mm-hmm” Jean says, shaking her head. Things with her sister have never been easy, but they have to find a point of balance in order to function, and she simply doesn't want to ruin her day, so she just relaxes and lets her be happy for the time being.

That evening Jean feels trapped again, Joy is again restless all the time and she doesn't know what the heck she is missing. She tries to distract herself a little by watching television but it is useless, her sister talks too much while Joy sleeps, there’s never silence. 

In the evening her sister says goodbye and goes to her room and the house is silent again, except for the little girl who goes back to making small sounds of discomfort. 

She decides to go back up to her room and put on her pyjamas, then changes Joy and puts her in her cot, and that's when she sees the sling she acquired in the morning class, she wasn't sure but many of the mothers in the class gave her good reviews so she was finally convinced.

The fabric is soft, it stretches a little but not too much so that the baby feels safe but comfortable, so she reads the instructions and tries to strap it to her body. Joy fuses continuously again and she just sushes her with sweet whispers. After three attempts she starts to feel frustrated, how can she be so useless as to not know how to tie a piece of cloth? At that moment Otis walks down the corridor and greets her, she asks him how it went and he simply says fine and goes on his way. 

One more attempt with the sling and she decides she can't go any further. Her curses are accompanied by a deep sadness that makes her weep with despair and rage. Two steps forward and three steps back, that's what she's been doing since Joy's birth, going backwards all the time. 

So that no one can hear her, she covers her mouth with her hands as she begins to choke, big tears run down her cheeks and she begins to hyperventilate. Joy begins to cry and Jean loses all hope of getting it off her chest, putting her daughter first. Closing her eyes and breathing hard, she manages to regulate herself a little, stands up and walks towards her daughter.

After a few attempts, the little one latches onto her breast and calms down, drinking her mother's precious milk. The door opens slowly and Joanna pokes her head in with a smile, but seeing her sister's face and tears, she rushes in, closing the door behind her. “What's the matter, turtle?”

Jean shakes her head, closing her eyes “I’m fine”

“No, you’re not. I’m here Jean, you can trust me” she says caressing her shoulder

New tears run down her cheeks “I don’t know how to wear that stupid piece of shit” she says

Joanna looks at the ground and when she sees the sling she can't help but chuckle “Turtle, it's not that hard, tomorrow I'll show you how to use it”.

“No, I don't want to see it again” she says, shifting Joy from one breast to the other “She'd suffocate in there anyway.”

Joanna nods “All right” taking it from the floor and putting it away “I will go to sleep now. Are you sure you'll be OK or do you want me to stay?”

“Everything is fine Jo, you can go to sleep” Jean says with half a smile

Joanna kisses her head and smiles “Good night” and leaves the room.

Jean sighs and looks at her daughter, who falls asleep against her breast. She smiles and kisses her on the forehead ‘I love you, my princess’ she says, standing up and leaving the little one in her cot to sleep peacefully. Then she climbs into bed ready to sleep, but the intrusive thoughts will keep her awake for a few more hours.