Chapter Text
01. Frighten
Natasha Romanoff did not frighten easily. She was a product of the Red Room, one of the most deadly assassins in the entire world. She had faced down every person sent to kill her and came out on top.
But Clint Barton’s wife was the most terrifying person Natasha had ever met, including the Winter Soldier who had shown up one time and killed her charge by shooting through her.
Natasha wasn’t sure why, but she was absolutely sure that the 5 foot 3 inch woman with bright green eyes was the most dangerous person on the planet. Harri Barton smiled at her, and didn’t dissuade her of the notion.
02. Cactus
Phil Coulson was the one who brought him into S.H.I.E.L.D. Phil Coulson was not, however, his first handler. Clint, years later, couldn’t even remember the name of the agent, or the mission itself. What he did remember was Harri’s reaction when he had come home, half-dead, from his first mission with the man.
“And you know what, you can go find yourself a cactus, and shove it up your ass so far you choke on it, asshole!” Harri slammed the phone back down on the receiver, ending the call.
“I love you,” Clint said, hopped up on a mix of pain meds and potions, which probably explained the fact he didn’t have much memory of the time.
“I love you too dear, but I think I’m going to kill your handler.”
“My wife’s a badass!”
“Yes, dear, I know. Now go to sleep.”
“Mmkay.”
The last thing he heard before drifting off was Harri grumbling about contacting Maria Hill to insure the agent in question got a cactus delivered to him.
03. Alleged
Most of his first jobs as a mercenary were from bounty posters, so Clint collected them whenever he could. He was surprised to find one of those posters showed the girl he had met the day his brother disappeared.
Undesirable No. 1
Laura Harriet “Harri” Potter
The list of crimes underneath her picture made Clint shiver. The girl couldn’t possible have done all of them – she was two years younger than he was – she hadn’t had the time to do all of those crimes.
He’d track her down, but he wouldn’t kill her. He’d confront her about the bounty poster and the list of alleged crimes instead.
04. Scandalous
Petunia Dursley did not like her niece. What she did like was her reputation. And regardless of the lies she had spread about her sister, her niece reflected on her own reputation since she was the one who raised her.
Which was probably why Harri started drinking at bars as soon as she was old enough, even though she rarely drank alcohol while she was there.
And why she decided to sleep with the first guy who came to talk with her at the bar, which could have also been because he was hot as hell.
Harri didn’t mention the incident, or the note that the guy left behind. But Petunia Dursley knew, and she was extremely unhappy about it, which in turn made Harri extremely happy.
The ensuing rant about scandalous behavior was worth it.
05. Five
“Five?” Clint asked, staring at Harri in shock.
“Yes, five,” Harry said. “At least two of each.”
“But five? We’re going to have to get a bigger place.”
“Yeah, I was thinking maybe somewhere out in the country,” Harri said, giving him a coy smile, “but you know the best part of five children?”
“What?”
“Making them.”
Clint was late for work the next day, and carried bruises that several other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents made cat-calls about.
06. Zealous
Bellatrix Lestrange was the most zealous Death Eater Harri and Hermione could name. So Clint took it upon himself to take the woman out. Harri and Hermione tried to talk him out of it, but he slipped away in the night while they were sleeping.
Harri knew when he succeeded because her scar felt like it was on fire.
Voldemort had found Bellatrix with an arrow in her heart, and he was not happy about it. He took his anger out on the other Death Eaters, thinning his ranks even further.
07. Concern
Loki was just about to mock the concerned and terrified look on Thor’s face when a woman entered behind him. Loki had never met this woman before, but he recognized her all the same.
The Master of Death had arrived.
And judging by the look on her face, she was extremely unhappy. Just his luck that the cause of her unhappiness was him.
“Where. Is. My. Husband,” she growled out at him.
Husband? Oh, surely she didn’t mean the Hawk. Then again, what was it the Hawk had said? Ah yes – “My wife is the most terrifying woman on the planet.” Loki couldn’t imagine someone being more terrifying than the Master of Death – not even Thanos himself.
Loki let out a terrified squeak and then told her everything he knew.
08. Impossible
“Impossible,” Wanda whispered, as she watched her brother sit up, gasping for air.
“No, not impossible,” the woman, the archer’s wife, told her, wiping the sweat from her brow. “It just can’t be done unless under the right circumstances.”
“Which we had,” Clint said.
“He saved your life darling, so I saved his. Now, I suggest you go find a Doctor.”
“I thought you healed him completely?”
“I did – ahh!” She bend over and clutched her stomach. “But that’s now fifteen minutes between contractions.”
“Wait, you’re in labor?”
“Yes, I’m in labor! Now find me a doctor!”
09. Slimy
“Ew,” Lila groaned, watching her mother make a potion. “Is it supposed to be that slimy?”
Harriet scrunched up her nose and looked in the book, “I don’t think so. Oh, well. I suppose I’ll just have to start again.”
“Isn’t there something at the doctor’s office that lets you see the baby instead?” Cooper asked.
“Yeah,” Harriet said. “And it’s what your dad wants to do, but I’m going to get this potion down if it kills me.”
The next six batches were each slimier than the one before.
“Want to make an appointment to get a sonogram?” Harriet asked Clint when he got home.
10. Break
“You started at a circus, became a mercenary, apparently took a break for over a year, and then go back to being a mercenary, suddenly targeting only those who commit crimes against women and children,” Coulson said. “Want to tell me what happened during that break?”
Clint smiled at him, “I met a woman. That woman.”
Coulson felt the barrel of a gun against the back of his neck. The woman holding it let out a cheerful, “Hi, honey, I’m home!”
“And just in time too, sweetheart. Agent Coulson here has a job offer for me.”
“A decent job offer?”
“It’s beginning to sound that way.”
“So…I shouldn’t have dumped his friends in the Thames, then?”
“The Thames?” Coulson asked.
“Big river running through London?”
“We’re in Frankfurt, Germany!”
11. Ray
“Well, aren’t you a lovely ray of sunshine,” Luna said.
“Go away Luna,” Harri said into her pillow.
“No,” Luna said. Harri peeked out from under the pillow to glare at the blonde girl.
“I’m not interested in sharing my sorrows, or talking through my grief, or whatever Hermione wants to call it. I want to mourn Sirius in peace.”
Luna smiled at her, as if she was about to give Harri all the secrets of the universe.
12. Frugal
Due to the way the two of them grew up, it was not surprise to either Clint or Harri that both of them were frugal with the money they managed to make. Even if Clint’s pay from S.H.I.E.L.D. left them with a large nest egg, and Harri’s inheritance from her parents and godfather meant they could afford the largest mansion they could find.
And then their first child was born, and they both had trouble telling him no.
13. Oatmeal
Splat!
Pietro’s reared back in surprise, staring at Nathaniel in shock. Nathaniel gave him an innocent look, and pointedly ignored the oatmeal that had been left on his hand.
Pietro looked over to Wanda and Harri who were doing their best not to laugh.
“You wanted to feed him,” Harri said.
14. Bunny
Lila and Cooper had been star-struck by the Avengers when they had stayed on the farm, but that had mostly worn off by the time they first visited Avengers Tower, where Lila proceeded to get into an argument with Tony Stark over what the best animal in the world was.
Lila said bunny.
Tony said dragons, having recently learned of their existence as actual living things.
The argument lasted for three hours, and only ended when Lila accidentally transfigured Tony into a bunny.
15. Sloppy
Clint frowned at his sloppy handwriting, but shrugged and left the note on the bedside table, and went to find his brother.
Harri awoke half-an-hour later. The only reminder of the previous night was the ache between her legs and a note written in handwriting nearly as bad as hers.
Awesome night, but I’ve got to go. Sorry. – Clint
“Clint,” Harri said. “Are you the one Luna said would break the wheel?”