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Chapter Text

-This is the story of something that never happened.

To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.

But, with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, where Saint Nicholas (who famously cut down a Demonically Possessed Tree that was probably unrelated to a certain Dead Apostle) circles the globe and leaves presents for good girls and boys (much as he once left three bags of money so a poor man could afford the dowry for his daughters and not be forced to sell them into prostitution).

That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.

Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.

The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 1

"-ke up!"

Someone's shaking me awake… but it's cold, so I roll over and huddle beneath my covers, where everything is soft and warm.

"Baru, wake uuup!" she shouts again. "You're not Mama, so you can't just sleep all daaay!"

...I know this voice. A young girl, calling me by the last two syllables of my name. Yeah, this person is…

"Baru is being Slothful… Hm, then does that mean...?~" Typhon, the Witch of Pride, giggles menacingly. "Hey, Baru… are you a sinner?~"

"I'M AWAKE!" I scream, jumping out from beneath my blanket - and almost immediately, I regret it. "It's freezing! And it's windy! Hey, just what the he-eck is- wait, where am I? Are those clouds? Typhon, what is thiiiis!?"

"Heh, heh, heh! Don't worry, Baru! Typhon hasn't done anything unusual. This is just Typhon participating in Earth Culture! Come oon, don't you recognize it? Look at Typhon's costume, and the sleigh Finnie made for her!~" The Witch says cheerfully, and I poke my head out from under the blanket.

She's wearing a poofy red coat and cap, along with… is that a fake beard? Oh no. Oh no, no, no!

"You can't be serious." I mutter numbly.

"Wahaha! If an old man can do it, Typhon can do it!" She laughs, forcing an antler headband onto my head and pumping her arms into the air. "Come on, Baru! Let's judge the sinners!~ Presents for the good boys and girls! Punishment for the evil boys and girls!"

"No, that's not the point of the holiday at all-!" My attempt to reason with her is totally ignored.

"[White Whale, Compact Model] - descend!"

"Wait, we're riding what!?" I scream as the sleigh shudders and begins to spew fog.

"First stop, Clock Tower! Prepare for the judgement!"

"Oh my god, we're going to kill so many people…" I mutter in horror.

I find myself pitched forward in a tumble of limbs as we breach the Clock Tower walls. Oh God, look at that damage! Forget being worried for other people's lives, the only problem I need to think about now is how to survive Barthomeloi's wrath-!

Poor [White Whale Compact Model], on the other hand, is moaning in pain, with tears streaming from the sled-like creature's eyes. Ah, somehow, I can sense some kinship there.

-Typhon, seemingly unaware of my emotional pain and White Whale-kun's physical pain, pulls a long scroll from who knows where, and, giving a cute 'ahem!', begins to speak.

"Our first stop tonight is to visit little El Melloi, age 2!"

"Is it really okay to just blatantly steal someone else's joke like that!?"

"Hush, Baru! Reindeer don't talk!" She says, lightly kicking my shin. "-Little El's letter to Santa says:

'I just wanted a grand strategy game that lets me bring the Diadochi to heel and put my king's son on the throne. Was that too much to ask for? You promised that my choices would matter, but in the end, this is just a glorified dating simulator! I understand the need for marriage in political alliances, but you took it too far! I don't want to marry Princess Roxana, I just want to protect her son! And while we're on that, why is there no route that puts the poor boy on the throne? In summation, zero out of ten, give me more freedom, shitty devs!'"

"Isn't that obviously a videogame review, and not a Christmas wish!?" I blurt out. Naturally, Typhon ignores me completely, save for another light kick to my shin.

"The letter used a lot of made-up words Santa didn't understand, but she thinks she has a good present for him! So! Long haired old man, bring little El here, and let Santa Judge him!~"

The witch concludes her exclamation by pointing forward at - oh, I know this guy. He's definitely years younger, so all his hair hasn't gone grey yet, but…

"...I am Lord El-Melloi the second, yes." He says, taking a drag of his cigar and staring at the snow blowing in from the breached wall, slowly piling on his fine red carpet- eh, when did Professor Velvet start smoking? And he was the second El-Melloi? That's a twist.

He exhales and massages his brow. "Fuck. I can tell you're some kind of Servant, so the Santa setup is pointless. Cut it out already, and if you're gonna kill me, just get it over with. It's bad enough that you broke my wall and made me listen to that embarrassing screed from a month ago."

"E-eh!? But Typhon is Santa! Really, she is! Baru, you tell him!"

"Sorry, Reindeer can't talk."

"Ah, you're right!"

"Typhon, huh… The Father of Monsters, but you've taken on the form of a little girl. King Arthur was a woman, though, as was [Faker]… No, you're not that Typhon, are you? But the alternative is even more absurd - 42355 Typhon, a planet sharing its name with the mythical beast - if you were an Ultimate One, the Wizard Marshal would have already struck you down…" the Professor mutters, pacing back and forth.

"...Baru, he's saying we~ird stuff." Typhon says, tugging at my sleeve and looking up at me. "Typhon isn't a daddy, so what's he talking about, huh?"

"Ah, that's-" I start to respond, but the moment I meet the gaze she's directed at me-

Professor Velvet, whose movement I had harmlessly dismissed as 'pacing back and forth' - suddenly tosses his cigar to the ground, where it erupts in a plume of smoke, and takes off in a dead sprint out his study door, which he had managed to open while pacing without us noticing!

"Graaaaay!" - he yells the name of a color in desperation, which is never good news when Magi are concerned.

"Ah, Baru, he's running away! We've gotta catch him!" -with those words, Typhon latches firmly onto my back. "Forward, Reindeer! Santa commands you!"

"Nope. Not happening." I reply

"E-ehhh? But Baru, you gotta! How's El going to have a Merry Christmas if Santa doesn't judge his si~ns?" The little Witch whines, rocking back and forth to shake me from her piggyback position.

"No! Professor Velvet's a good person, so I'm not going to help you traumatize him! I refuse! In fact, we're leaving right this instant." Grabbing Typhon's legs to secure her in place, I start to climb back into the hideous horned sleigh we had arrived in.

"B-but! But if El isn't a sinner, then he doesn't need to be afraid at all!" She protests, forcing her way out of my grip - and then with the sound of glass breaking, she drops to the ground. "Santa's judgement doesn't hurt good people! Baru already knows that, riiight?"

"You just broke my arms off! Here you are saying all that, but you just broke my arms off because it was convenient!" I yell, pointing at her with my right stump. It doesn't hurt, and it can be easily fixed, but that's really not the point!

"That's just 'cause Baru's a dummy who's guilty about dumb stuff! Now wait here, Santa will fix you later!" She sticks her tongue out at me, and races off into the hall, with me hot on her heels.

"At least he got a head start, so he's probably long gone by now- or not!?" I yell upon seeing the professor doubled over, breathing heavily. Fifty meters!? He only made it fifty meters!?

"Now, let's see!~ El, are you a sinneeeer!" Typhon shouts as she launches into a flying tackle - and as she impacts him, Professor Waver Velvet breaks into a dozen separate pieces.

And then everyone starts screaming.

"Ahhh!" Typhon yells, clutching her bruised forehead. "Baru, he was weird like youuuu!"

"Ahhhh-!?" the Professor's head and upper torso scream in terrified confusion.

"Ahhhh!" I scream, completely mortified. Okay, it's fine, there's no blood, that means he hasn't been killed, he just felt guilty, I can still salvage this-!

"AAAAHHHH!" Screams a fourth person. "Teacher, you can't-! Ahhhh! Add-!"

The cage clutched in her hand bursts as a small silver cube floats to her hand - and from it, a voice emanates. "Pseudo-personality suspended. Mana yield exceeds regulation. Second stage restraint rescinded. Seal Thirteen… Decision, start!"

Something's familiar about this. I know, something's-

A blast of wind casts her hood off her face as she lifts her hand, blazing with golden light, revealing green eyes, grey hair, and- "What the hell, it's Arthur again!?" I blurt out.

"-Approved. Third Restraint removed." A shining golden cone of energy pours forth, and she begins to level it at Myself, Typhon, and the Professor's broken body

"[Rhongo-!" Ah, I'm going to die again.

"Wait, Lady, I'm still alive, and I'm going to be very cross if you wipe me out with that-!" The Professor all but screams.

"Ah, Sir-!" She exclaims, just barely tipping the spear into the sky as it fires, smashing a second hole in the clocktower building and arcing over the horizon, where it explodes in a fiery supernova so bright that for a moment it seems like day has suddenly returned all at once.

"Oohhh! That's really cool! Hey, is this that thing? You know, the shepherds looked up and saw a shining light, that thing?" Typhon asks the Professor, lifting his body to put him at eye level.

"It's not."

"-Heeey, Baru, help Santa put El back together! She can't give him his present if he's like this." Typhon says, holding up the Professor's torso and head in both hands - he looks so completely done with this, it's kind of hilarious.

"Help with what hands, Typhon!?" I yell, waving my stumps at her.

"Oh, that's right. Hey, hey, pretty-beam-Onee-chan, can you help Baru fix his hands, please? Santa will put you on the nice list, just this once! She won't even test you for sins!"

"I'm so confused right now…" Grey-haired-Arthur mumbles as the golden spear returns to a vaguely cubical shape.

"Eh? Hey, hey, hey, Gray, the hell's this!? Did you miss? How could you miss!? You even unsealed the entirety of Rhongowhatsit, and you missed them!?" The little box - [Logos React Replica], one of my scraps of memory from Atlas supplies - chatters crudely.

"Add, shut up." The Professor groans. "And so? Typhon, was it? -You're just going to put me back together again, just like that? Even though I failed your test?"

"Ehehe, that's funny, El! If you were a sinner, you'd be vomiting blood right now!~ You just broke 'cuz you were feeling guilty about dumb stuff that's not your fault." Typhon laughs off his concerns in her usual manner as she sticks his arms back onto his body. "There, now you can hold your present, so-!"

A ridiculously large bag materializes from nowhere, and Typhon reaches into it, pulling out - is that some kind of picture frame?

"Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!"

"What do you-?" Professor Velvet's voice catches in his throat.

[His Rightful Place]

Slowly, trembling hands reach for the gift, as tears start to stream down his cheeks.

"Aw, does El not like it?" Typhon sighs, starting to put it away-

"No!" He snatches the photo and clutches it to his chest as if it were his firstborn child. "No, this is-! Truly, truly-!" He smiles, voice cracking.

"-The greatest Christmas Present I've ever received."

"But you're crying?" Typhon tilts her head.

"I am. Since, adults-" He sniffs. "Adults are stupid, so sometimes we cry when we're happy as well."

"Ehhh?~ That's pretty du~umb, El!" She replies. "Hey, Baru, does that mean, that time you were talking to Dona-?"

"I'm not answering that." I deadpan, as… Gray, I guess her name is? Gray retrieves my arms and reattaches them, a small smile on her face as she watches the Professor weeping with joy.

"Ah, you did it! Thanks, Onee-chan! Merry Christmas!" Typhon shouts as she thrusts another strange photo into Gray's hands.

[Why Done It]

Gray's face goes red, but I don't have time to ask, because Typhon suddenly grabs my wrist. "Come on, Baru! We're gonna be late! Santa's still gotta visit a bunch of places!"

"Nooo! I was hoping we would end on a high note-!" I yell as she drags me to the [White Whale Compact Model].

"Santa's work is never done, Baru! Neveeeer!"

***

"Lady, can you stop stealing glances at whatever she gave you and help me with my legs?"

"A-ah! Right! Of course, Sir! Sorry, Sir!"

"Heh. Merry Christmas, Gray."

"...Merry Christmas, Teacher."

Chapter Text

-This is a tale of something that never happened.

To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.

But, with all that said, it's that magical time of year again. The same time of the year that the Green Knight Bertiak approached the knights of the round and tricked(?) Sir Gawain into cutting his head off(??) in order to scare Guinevere to death(???) as part of a convoluted scheme by Morgan to kill Arthur's wife even though she was putting her own son in jeopardy(????).

Yeah, I don't get it either. But it did make Gawain look like a total badass and give him a neat belt and axe.

Anyway, it's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.

Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?????) tale.

The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 2

-My face is cold.

"Ah, Baru, you passed out again! Wake uuuup!"

My eyes snap open. "Wait, it's this again!? I thought that was just a bad dream!"

"Wahaha!~ Baru, you dummy - we've only visited one kid tonight-" Typhon laughs.

"Tonight!? It felt like an entire year passed!"

"-did you really think Typhon would be satisfied with that? Typhon is set on milking as many chapters out of this gimmick as she can, because she knoooows she won't get an actual in-story appearance.~" The Witch of Pride says with a mocking shrug.

"Please just send me home already…" I mutter, glancing over the edge of the sleigh to see a fog-shrouded city lit by gaslamp - I can still see Big Ben, so I guess we're still in-

"Our next stop is Victorian London!" She shouts, pumping her fist in the air.

"Oi, am I supposed to yell about the fact that this thing can time travel, or the fact that we skipped the entire rest of the Clock Tower." I ask as I massage my brow. I can already feel the migraine coming on.

"Of course Santa's sleigh can time travel, how else is she going to visit every kid on the same night?~"

"So it was the first one, huh?"

Typhon pulls her list from her pocket once more. "The next person we need to visit is Little Ebenezer Holmes!~"

"Ah, we're mixing random servants with other figures this time, huh? I thought the Author said he wasn't doing GudaGuda events though…" I mutter.

"Baru, breaking the fourth wall this much is a writing sin, so stop it, okay?"

"Sorry, go on."

"-Ebenezer's letter to Santa says:

'It seems I've been summoned to a rather queer singularity, and merged with another famous englishman to boot. Considering that we have already been attacked by the Ghost of Marley, Cratchit and I deduce that the rest of the Christmas Carol ghosts we encounter tonight will be hostile - with that in mind, I've decided to write a christmas wish, with the hopes that we can use it to chain-summon Saint Nicholas to our aid. Please help us, Santa Claus.

P.S. The usual "sugar" that I ask for each year would not go amiss. Ha ha!'"

"-Oi, doesn't that actually sound like a ton of trouble!? And what was that about-?"

"[White Whale, Compact Model] - descend!" She shouts with a laugh, and the sleigh screams out a curtain of fog as we dive through the choking smog.

We land with a resounding crash, smashing the cobbled street to pieces as poor White Whale-kun groans in pain again.

Slowly, I stand, rubbing my bruised tailbone. "Oi, Typhon, you've got to get better at landing this thing. I might get seriously hurt at this rate."

"Wahaha! Didn't you know, Baru? It's Christmas! And nothing bad happens on Christmas."

Of course, it's at the very moment that Typhon raises the flag, that she emerges from the fog. A beautiful woman in a black miniskirt, with poofy cotton edges and a green and red ribbon securing a black cloak around her shoulders. A black Santa hat is perched on her pale blonde hair, beneath which are her piercing yellow eyes. In one hand, she's carrying a large burlap sack, and in the other, a glowing black and red sword-

"Oh god, it's Arthur again." I groan. "…Why are you wearing a Santa costume?"

"I am the Santa of Christmas past." She says, straight-faced.

"Oh, good, here I was worried it would be for a reason that made sense." I mutter.

"Prepare yourself! [Excalibur-!" Black energy surges from her sword.

"There's nothing Santa about you! You're the exact same as ever! [E-M-M]!" I yell, grabbing Typhon and expending a Command Spell.

"...Morgaaaaan]!"

The wave of tainted mana crashes over me in a blinding torrent - but with [EMM] active, it doesn't actually touch me or Typhon.

I've faced this Noble Phantasm before, so I know. I know exactly when its torrent will end, and assuming she doesn't have a Grail powering her this time, she won't be able to fire off another quite as fast. And so, the moment it cuts off, before she has a chance to realize I avoided it-!

The blast ends, and I chuck Typhon at Arthur with all of my might.

"Waaaaah! Typhon is flyiiiing!" She yells in a childish mix of joy and fear.

"What-?" Arthur's sword hesitates for a split second.

"Ei!~" Typhon shouts as she impacts Arthur with her fist, and the King of Knights shatters into twenty or so pieces. A moment later, the Witch jumps to her feet. "Wahaha!~ Take that, sinner! How dare you attack Santa! Now all you get is Typhon's just- ehhhh? Baru, she's not puking blood, what's going oooon!?"

"Ah, come to think of it, the last time we ran into her she said she only turned evil after she was dead, so her intent aside, she hasn't actually done anything bad yet… or something like that." I say with a shrug.

"Mm.. that sounds kind of unconvincing." The witch says, stroking her fake beard.

"Kill me. I refuse to live with this humiliation." Arthur's severed head says.

"Oh, she's alive because it would be funny to carry her around with us!" Typhon slaps her fist into her palm.

"That must be it." I nod, picking up the Saber's head and handing it to her.

"You dare mock the pride of a Santa!? My fellow Santas will certainly avenge me!" She shouts angrily.

"It's a bold assertion that such a symbol of rampant consumerism could be said to have pride." A man's voice calls out as he emerges from the foggy night. Wearing a black overcoat, with slicked back gray hair and a pipe in one hand, he stalks forward into view, eyeing Typhon and myself. "...I suppose it was too much to hope for an actual Saint to manifest on this bizarre night. I am Ebenezer Holmes. If I were summoned normally I would say it was a pleasure to meet you, but as it is the only thing I can ask for is a profitable business relationship. Ha ha!"

"You said it anyway, just in a backhanded way!" I protest.

"An excellent deduction, though I hope you aren't planning on charging a detective fee. I can't abide a business rival." He says with a puff of his pipe. Then he yells behind him, "Cratchit, I found them! Get over here, you waste of coin!"

"Righty-o, here I am!" A blond youth leaps out of the fog. "It's me, Flat Cratchit, at your- oooohhh, it's Pleiades! What've you been up to?"

…I really wasn't ready to deal with Flat-senpai today, but here we are.

"Uh… I got involved in saving the world. And then got abducted by a Loli Santa from another world. We just got done breaking into Professor Velvet's office and nearly killing him." I say, rubbing the back of my head.

"Eh, so you finally made your attempt at killing the Big Ben London Star, huh? Nice job, nice job!" He laughs and claps me on the back.

"Oi, that's supposed to be a bad thing, you idiot! Don't praise me for it!"

"It's fine, it's fine! Everyone in the Modern Magecraft Department tries to kill Professor Velvet at least once. It's like a rite of passage!"

"What kind of fucked up school is- wait, that's a stupid question."

"Yep!" He laughs.

"As amusing as this is, it seems our next visitor has arrived." Holmes says, puffing his pipe.

"Eh? Who is it, who is it?~" Typhon makes her hands into a little goggle shape, dropping the head of Arthur, who lets out a small yelp.

"N-now, face your doom!" The Saber says as she rolls across the street. "The Santa of Christmas Present!"

"A shame then," Standing in the lamplight as the fog clears, a green-cloaked, santa-hatted figure glances over his shoulder at us, eyes sparking. "That the only ones who receive a 'present' from me, the Santa of Monte Cristo, are the good of heart! Kuhahaha!"

"Booo! Your pun sucks! Are you even trying?" Flat yells.

Dantes ignores him, continuing his monologue. "One such as you, Ebenezer Holmes, who deconstructs Christmas beneath his cold microscope, could never hope to overcome-!"

"I've already figured you out by deconstructing you beneath my cold microscope." Holmes says as a dozen large lenses manifest, shining spotlights upon the Count, who reels backwards. "Whatever your holiday business, I'll see through it… [Humbug, My Dear]."

"-Now, while he's blinded! Get him, Tiny Jack!" Flat yells, and suddenly a young boy is standing behind Dantes, leaning on a pair of crutches.

"...This is so embarrassing," The boy mutters as he runs a hand down his face. "Why did we get summoned like this? I'm going to hold this against you for a long time, Flat."

"Eh? Why is it my fault?" The Magus protests.

"Oh come on! You're the one who made the decision back in Snowfield that got us stuck together like this!" The kid shouts in response, dodging around a blast of black flame from Dantes and jabbing him in the gut using his crutch.

"Not the crutch, use your Noble Phantasm, your Noble Phantasm!" Flat yells.

"No! It's too embarra-" The boy yells, but he's cut off when his body is reduced to ashes by a gout of black flame.

"Ah, Jack died!" Typhon says.

"Alas, poor Tiny Jack." Flat shakes his head mournfully.

"...Oi, don't make a joke out of-" I start to say, only for another young boy to emerge from the Fog and whack Dantes's shin with his crutch. "Nevermind, he's fine!?"

"Kuhaha! You think such things will affect me!?" Dantes shouts, clutching at his shin and hopping up and down, tears in his eyes. "I have a skill that suppresses pain, this won't- ow! Ow, ow, ow, stop!"

He falls over as Tiny Jack whacks his other shin, rolling back and forth. The little kid, just continues the abuse, beating the Avenger over and over.

"Ha ha! My Noble Phantasm eliminates all defenses of its target. Foolish spirit, did you think you could face Ebenezer Holmes unprepared?" Holmes boasts.

"Guh- then I'll use my own -ow! I - ow! Follow a - ow! Path beyond - ow! Love and hate - ow! [Santa Château d'If]!" The Avenger yells, and flickers out of existence, a dozen afterimages appearing in the air surrounding us. A dome of black flame begins to rain down-

"Fine, fine I'll use it if you won't!" Says Flat. "[Christmas Goose From Hell]!"

"""What.""" Holmes, Arthur, and myself all respond in the same utterly baffled manner.

"Woah!" Typhon yells in excitement. "Baru, you told Typhon you didn't get Mabeasts here!"

A giant creature manifests from nowhere - a colossal goose with three heads and six horns, fanged bills dripping with poison.

The beast roars, a shockwave repelling Dantes's Black flames, and an instant later, its fangs close on his true body, tearing him in half.

But as his torso falls to the ground - "Not yet, I'm not satisfied yet! [Attendre, Christmas]!" His body repairs itself in an instant, and he flickers forwards, hand driving towards my chest-!

"-Take this, sinner! Hiya!" Typhon yells, and Edmond Dantes breaks into several chunks, spewing blood.

"Ah, he was actually a sinner." I note.

"Kuhaha, you think that's enough-! [Attendre, Christmas]! Edmond yells, and the chunks of his body stop bleeding - but they don't come back together, and his head flops to the ground with a thud. "Ow!"

Typhon prances up to it and lifts his head above her own, laughing. "Hey, Baru, look! The Kuhaha guy didn't die either!"

"Kuhaha guy!?" The Avenger's voice cracks a bit as he yells in protest.

"So we're gonna collect all three, huh?" I ask with a forced grin. "Who's next?"

"That would be the most menacing of the three if the pattern is anything to go by." Holmes says. "First we had the ethereal beauty, then the laughing man - and now comes the black-cloaked angel of death, the Santa of Christmas Future-!"

"Oh, do I get a peek at a future boss fight?" I ask, peering into the fog. Slowly, a black shape comes into view, and all kinds of emotions surge through my chest.

Eerily, she drifts towards us, and it clicks in my head. Of course she'd be here. Christmas is a season of giving, but it's also a season of Romance - there's no way she'd pass up the chance, is there?

Silver hair and purple eyes, visible beneath the black shroud of shadows surrounding her. A mournful look on her face as she gazes upon me, tears just barely threatening to spill forth.

Luckily, she isn't muttering words of love right now, which means…

"Ah! Hi Tella!" Typhon waves excitedly at the Girl Who is Not the Witch of Envy.

"I am… the Santa of Christmas Future." Satella whispers.

"Hmph. So you're Christmas Future." Holmes notes. "Then in that case, Spirit-"

"No, you guys don't need to fight here." I say with a sigh. "I'll handle this one. Oi, Typhon, can I..?" I ask, reaching for a certain item.

She's confused for a moment, glancing back and forth between Satella and myself, before realization dawns. "Ah! You're right, Baru - you take it! Mama gave Typhon spares."

"Thanks. I'll be back in a bit, guys. We're just going to go for a little walk." I say, walking past Satella for a few steps, and then glancing back at her. "Well? Are you coming?"

The Girl Who is Not the Witch nods once, hesitantly, and she follows me into the foggy winter night.

We walk in silence for a little bit. I've got everything and nothing to say all at once, and I'm not sure where to begin. And, well, she has her own circumstances, I'm pretty sure.

We cross a silent bridge, and a noise draws my attention to the Thames below, where small chunks of ice crunch gently against one another. Not quite able to flow freely, not quite able to freeze solid, they drift down the muddy water with a kind of lazy violence.

It's a strange sight, but somehow, it feels right, for a night like this. I glance at my companion, and see her open her mouth.

"...You don't have to speak." I say, and she closes her mouth. "It hurts you, right? To say things in that state, is painful or something. That's why you're so untalkative, limiting yourself to just what has to be said - that's right, isn't it?"

Of course, as far as her counterpart is concerned, any amount of pain is bearable, as long as she can say the words she wants to say to me.

Satella doesn't give any affirmative response, but she goes quiet. I'll take that as a yes, I guess.

"That's fine. All I'm good at is talking big, so I'll talk for both of us." I give her a small smile.

She says nothing, her sad eyes boring into me. I think, I really wish that I could change those eyes of hers. So, with a sigh as I glance down at the slushy water, I start to talk.

"This was a lot easier before. Back when I could just reject you, I mean, when I could simply say 'I don't know you' and be done with it. But after that talk in Echidna's place, I didn't want to be mean about it. And after Atlas, I'm not so sure what to think about the rest of it."

I pause for a moment, glancing at her face. For a second, it seems a bit confused to me, but maybe I'm just imagining it. "Ah, Quasar said you couldn't see me down there, so I guess you don't know what I'm talking about. It doesn't matter. I won't be going back there, no matter what Flugel had in mind. It's just not worth the hassle if I fuck up again."

When I died in Atlas, my ghost was trapped there until the world was incinerated - that was part of their defense system. The Witch hadn't been able to find me, and for a while I was worried I would be trapped forever. But when humanity was wiped out, the defense systems turned off, and I Returned By Death - is what I'm pretty sure happened. I'd really rather not think about other possibilities about my escape there, so let's ignore it for now.

"Sorry for pushing it so hard back in Fuyuki, by the way. That was mean of me. I'll try to be more considerate going forward." I sigh, and then stand up straight. "...Anyway, I haven't forgotten. About what you asked me to do, or what I promised you. I'm going to make it back, and I will definitely save you. You've got that, right?" I ask, pointing at her.

She says nothing, and it clicks.

"Ah, I get it. You can't hear me in the first place, can you?" I ask, chuckling a bit. "I guess that's what happens when you're in a seal a world away, huh?"

More silence.

"Then I'll skip to the point, I guess." Stepping forward, I reach towards her, and plant Typhon's Santa hat squarely atop her head. For a moment, I think I see the corners of her lips twitch in amusement, but maybe that's wishful thinking.

"Smile, Santella. It's Christmas, after all, so I'll give you this at the very least. I know you already said I gave you stuff, but I don't remember anything like that - so I'll give you this, at the very least. Not to thank you for your gift, but just because I want you to have it. I'm sure, that's how it was for the other guy too."

"I love you." She murmurs.

"...Sorry, I still don't know the right answer for that." I sigh, stepping back. "...But I'll figure it out, someday. For now, though - Merry Christmas, Santella! Keep your eyes on me - I'm sure I'm going to need your help a lot more before this is all over - but I'll see it through."

And so, with a wave, I walk forward into the foggy night, with the Girl Who is Not the Witch staring after me.

Eventually, after getting lost once or twice, I find my way back to where White Whale-kun and the rest of everyone is. The Christmas Goose From Hell is gone, and it seems that Typhon already got started on the gifts - Tiny Jack is leafing through what looks to be some kind of police dossier, Dantes is staring vacantly into the night sky, and Arthur's disembodied head, while still as obviously miserable as before, now has a plush lion leaning against her cheek.

"...I didn't take you for the type to enjoy stuffed animals." I note.

"I do not. This gift is insulting. I am not a child." She grumbles, eyes never leaving it.

"...Do you want me to take it away?"

"No!" She shouts, voice cracking. "A-ahem. That is, I shall not allow one such as you to take me possessions."

"I see." I nod. So she likes it after all, huh?

"Ah, Baru! Welcome back!" Typhon shouts. "How did it go with Tella?"

"About as well as could be expected, I guess." I shrug. "She liked the hat, I think. What about you guys?"

"Things have resolved quite nicely. Some time after you left with Christmas Future, the spirits of Scrooge and Cratchit returned to the throne, so now all that's left is myself and Mister Escardos." Holmes says, puffing his pipe. "On that note, since I couldn't say it before - a very merry christmas to you both."

"Merry Christmas, little Ebenezer!" Typhon says as she throws a bag of sugar at him, knocking him off balance.

Holmes staggers a bit. "N-no, like I said, I'm just Sherlock now - ah, this is just cane sugar. Tch."

"Let's not talk about what you actually wanted, Mister Rathbone!" Flat laughs. "Anyway, what did you bring me, huh? Huh?"

"I really am Sherlock Holmes, though, not the actor who played him in the 1940s…" Holmes mutters.

"Typhon already gave a present to little Jack, though?" Typhon tilts her head. What was the deal between the two of them anyway? It seemed like Flat used Jack's Noble Phantasm, right?

"Oh come on, he's Jack! I'm Flat! We're two totally different people." Flat gives a totally half assed argument, but…

"Hmmm… that does make sense to Typhon! Okay!" The literal child is obviously completely fooled by it. "Here, you can have this Steam key for the hit Video Game, 'Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World- The Prophecy of the Throne'!"

"Amazing! I hear it has a story written by Nagatsuki Tappei and illustrations by Shinichirou Otsuka!" Flat shills flawlessly.

"Hey, is this level of blatant advertising really okay!?" I ask.

"Hm, if I were him, I would have preferred 'Melty Blood: Type Lumina'." Holmes says, setting his bag of sugar on the ground.

"We're not getting paid for these blatant advertisements, you know!" I continue to protest.

"Alright, Baru, are you ready to go? We need to hurry to the next stop!" Typhon says, running back to [White Whale - Compact Model].

"Ugh, there's more!? I was hoping we'd end this series here!"

"The spirit of Christmas ne~ver ends, Baru! Kuhahaha!~" She laughs.

"...Hey, wasn't that different from your normal laugh?"

"Typhon took it from the Kuhaha guy!" The Witch boasts proudly.

"Speaking of which, what did you give that guy? He looks totally out of it." I ask.

"Oh, Typhon gave him some hashish."

"Even though we've been sidestepping Holmes's drug issue this entire time!?"

Chapter Text

-This is the story of something that never happened.

To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story crawling by at a pace like this. And, furthermore, the tone is way off base, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.

But with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, when the pagan kings of northern Europe would invite their courtiers to feast with them on horse meat and blood and also just slather horse blood all over the place because apparently Odin is really into that kind of thing. That time of year when all good Christians were forbidden from eating horse meat in AD 732, because looking like a pagan is a big no-no, and even today most of those northern European cultures are quite ant-horse meat. That magical time of year where no person from the Americas would have eaten horse up until the Columbian exchange, primarily due to American horses going extinct around 7900 BC.

That time of year when every Persona Protagonist faces their climactic battle, a bit of information that the author was unaware of prior to his unannounced hiatus two months ago with the release of Persona 5 for PC. I'm sure that's just a coincidence, though.

That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.

Grab a glass of eggnog, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.

The Santa who Judges the Sinners, Part 3

-My face hurts. The wind is way too strong…

Slowly, I sit up, prying one eye open to gaze at my red-hatted companion, and the sea of clouds below us. Still not a dream, huh?

"Baru! Don't pass out aga~in! We've still got a long night ahead of us!" Typhon says over the howling wind.

"Can't you just take me home now? I'm so tired…" I complain. It feels like we've been at this for years…

"Maybe when you finally escape Orleans, Baru."

"Ah, so it'll continue forever, then…"

"Anyway, the next person we need to visit is a little girl named Merry!" Typhon says

"Is it really okay to use such a recently introduced Original Character here…?"

"Little Merry's letter to santa says:

'Oh Saint Barbara, Saint Louis , Saint Mark, Saint Nicholas, any Saint that is listening, please intercede for me! I'm surrounded by pagans and there's blood everywhere and they're drinking it and one of them is staring right at my hiding place, please, please, please send someone to deliver me from this trouble!'"

"What the he-ck, that sounds scary!" I shout. "Also, are we ever going to get an actual Santa letter, or is that just part of the joke?"

"[White Whale, Compact Model], descend-!"

White Whale-kun lets out a cry, and we plunge down below the clouds once more.

We crash through the front door of a wooden temple-looking building with a thunderous noise. The scent of blood is already reaching my nostrils as Typhon calls out into the cloud of sawdust and wood splinters.

"Santa is here! Prepare to perish, sinners!" She shouts, and as the dust settles, I can feel the eyes of half a dozen sinister-looking buff men resting on me. Two shirtless men, one with brown hair and horns and one with blonde hair and tattoos pause in the middle of an arm wrestle. A bearded blonde with eyes like a dead fish slowly lowers a glass of wine from his lips as he raises an eyebrow. A man in a hooded blue cloak pauses in the middle of smearing what looks to be blood on one of the walls and glances in our direction. A man with gray hair combed into a wave of forward-facing spikes adjusts his glasses, which glint sinisterly in the firelight. And a man with long gray hair and a glowing emblem on his chest - wait, that's Siegfried, isn't it!?

Okay this is fine. We just invaded the party of a bunch of scary heroic spirits. No big deal. After all, Typhon is powerful, so-

"Hmm? What's all this commotion?" A red-haired woman calls out as she enters from an adjoining room. She's wearing an apron and holding a ladle in her hand- "Oh, aren't you the cutest little thing! Come to the kitchen with me, I'll get you some sweets."

"Santa demands cookies!" Typhon immediately runs over to her. Oi, hang on-!

"Now, now, that's not the right way to ask for something.~" The woman replies, leading Typhon away by the hand.

"Ah-" I try to protest my single source of protection leaving.

"Please give Typhon some sweets, Onee-san~!" Typhon says

"Mm, mm, that's right!" The woman nods, and they disappear through the door into the kitchen.

A solid five seconds of awkward silence follow as I stare at the room's remaining occupants, sweat cascading down my brow, until finally -

"Kid, what the hell?" Asks the man in the blue cloak - hang on, that voice is-!

"Cu Chulainn!?" I blurt out.

"Yeah. Yule is a festival for Odin, so since I've got some links to the guy, I ended up getting dragged into being the head priest for this mess…" The Caster says with a small shrug. "But listen, even if you're usually my master, I can't exactly let this kind of thing slide, you know? Showing up uninvited is one thing, but you broke the door down and everything…"

…

"I'm very sorry, please forgive me!" I shout, bowing at a perfect 90 degree angle.

He pauses, glancing towards a large wooden statue of a horned man, and closing his eyes for a moment.

"-sorry, that's not good enough. Should have gone for the full dogeza, kid." Cu Chulainn sighs. "Well, it's still enough for me to just kick you out instead of actually killing you or something."

I laugh nervously, glancing back at the howling snowstorm outside the temple. That's no good. Seriously, just looking out there is enough to make me imagine a giant cat spirit glaring at me. I let out an involuntary shudder.

"Oh, and that girl hiding behind the statue there-" He starts.

"Kyaaaa!" Said girl lets out a piercing shriek as she charges out from behind it, dashing for the gaping hole in the wall where the door had once been. "I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die-!"

The room's other inhabitants make no effort to stop her, and an instant later she vanishes into the blizzard.

"-I was going to say 'take her with you', but I guess she left on her own." He shrugs.

A brief silence follows, and I glance back into the blizzard. "Could you maybe give me a coat or someth-"

"Ūruz." He intones, and a wave of force seizes me, flinging me into the cold night.

A few short moments of flight later, I crash into the still running girl, and we both tumble into cold, wet snow.

This is bad. This is all kinds of bad. I'm seriously going to freeze.

"Aaah! Aaah! No, no please!" She starts screaming again, and my teeth smash together painfully as her fist meets my jaw, knocking me off of her. "Let me go! Help, help-!" Wisely, I roll away from her flailing legs, just barely dodging being knocked prone again.

"For the love of- calm down, Merry!" I shout, and the girl pauses, opening her slightly-too-large eyes and staring at me.

"H-how do you know my name?" She asks.

Cu remembers me, but she doesn't? How the hell does any of this make sense!?

Well, other circumstances aside… "I guess you could say we heard your prayer…?"

"A-are you an angel!?" She blurts out

"I'm not." I retort, crossing both arms in front of me. "It's way more disappointing than that."

"Huh?" She tilts her head.

"I'm a reindeer."

An awkward silence follows.

"I-is that so?" She asks eventually.

"Please don't look at me with such pity in your eyes."

…

Another freezing gust of wind tears my attention away from my flaming cheeks. "Right, we should-!"

"Ohoho!" A new, male voice calls out. "I came, I saw, and what did I find - two more fellows kicked out of the celebration. Then that makes us allies, compatriots, friends-!"

Emerging from the blizzard around us, carrying a bright, warm torch, with a laurel wreath on his head, is quite possibly the fattest man I have ever seen.

"Allow us to introduce ourselves! I am Saber (for some reason), Gaius Julius Caesar, leader of the Yuletide Crashers Alliance!" From the blizzard, two more individuals emerge.

A teenage boy with red eyes and gray hair speaks quietly. "Caster, Sieg. I'm not even technically a heroic spirit, but please take care of me."

Of course neither of us are really paying attention to them, because the third member of their party is far too bizarre. With a horse's body, and a man's upper body… it's a centaur right? This is a centaur, right? But that head…

"It's a horse?" Merry asks.

"A horse? Where!?" The horse-faced centaur asks, looking around.

"She means you, right…?" I can't help but ask.

"Hm? No, that's ridiculous. I'm not a horse." The horse insists.

"Th-then what are you?" Merry replies.

"I'm the great Chinese Warrior, Lu Bu."

"I-is that so?" She says, and then glances at me.

"No, that reindeer thing was just a joke! I didn't know something like this would happen, okay?"

"So, tell me, my new friends - who are you and what are your abilities? I'm certain can fit you into my grand plan to infiltrate the party," Caesar says.

"Um, Merry d'Lyon! It is an honor to meet you, Lord Caesar!" Merry says with a small bow. "I'm good at repairing and washing clothes!"

"...And?"

"I can… cook and clean…?" She continues.

"...Can you though?" I ask after a moment's thought - after all, when we first met, in France…

"That's… I don't have, much experience, but I'm willing to learn!" She says.

"Hmm, inexperienced, but a self-starter.. hang on!" Caesar says. "This isn't a summer job interview, why are you only listing mundane skills? Aren't you a servant?"

"No, Lord Caesar! But I admire Mademoiselle Valour, the Governor's maid a great deal. I'd like to be like her someday!" Merry responds.

"Ah, basically, we're both just normal humans." I interrupt before Caesar can get any more confused. "I can use some magic, and I've got a couple command spells, but that's about it. And Merry is just a normal girl… I think. Probably."

"Oh lord forgive me, for consorting with witches - ah!? What do you mean you think? I'm just a normal girl from Lyon!" She protests.

"No, that's clearly not the case - you've somehow found your way back in time to Ancient Germany, and that aside, your face-" Sieg starts to say.

"I was born with this face, you scoundrel!" She shouts.

"Hey, don't judge people just because they have eyes like a dead fish!" I shout at him.

"Don't insult my eyes, you shifty-eyed boy!" Merry turns on me.

"We have the same eyes!" I retort.

"What I was saying was, her face is strangely similar to that King Clovis I back at the party." The red-eyed boy continues.

"The hell, Chlodovech was there? I didn't see him." I say.

"The blonde, bearded middle-aged guy." Sieg says.

"Are you sure? In France, he was summoned as a kid."

"Well, Servants can take different forms depending on the circumstance of their summoning, after all." Says Caesar with a laugh. "This charming girth of mine is simply the result of my class - I'm sure that had I been summoned as Rider, you could see my chiseled jaw the same as my marble bust!"

"And I guess Lu Bu wouldn't be a horse if he was summoned as something else, right?" I say, nodding.

"O-of course not! I'm not a horse in the first place! I'm Lu Bu!" The horse whinnies back.

"A-anyway, that's impossible!" Merry says. "King Clovis was a good Christian ruler. There's no way he'd take part in that barbaric pagan ritual!"

"Speaking of which, isn't Caesar a pagan too? Why aren't you freaking out about him, huh?" I ask.

"Well, Lord Caesar is one of the Nine Worthies, after all." She says matter-of-factly. "I don't know much about him, but all the nobles say he was a good man!"

"Just because some stuffy French nobles look up to him…?" I mumble. I really don't get this girl at all…

"Ahem!" Caesar coughs. "Returning to the point, you wouldn't happen to have a Servant with you, Mister…?"

"Ah, I forgot my introduction!" I say, striking my signature pose. "My name is Natsuki Subaru! Not only am I clueless, I'm also completely separated from my Servants!"

"What's that pose about…?" Sieg asks.

"It… doesn't mean anything. My dad just did the same pose when introducing himself to people, so before I knew it I was doing it too."

"Haha! Well, nothing wrong with having a family tradition, nothing wrong at all." Caesar laughs jovially. "But with that in mind, I believe we're back where we were before, my friends. Terribly outnumbered."

"Like I said, if you can keep the dragonslayers occupied, I can probably deal with the rest." Sieg says.

"Indeed. But even with Red Hare supporting me, there's not a chance I can take on Siegfried, Sigurd, and Beowulf all at once." Caesar sighs.

"Red Hare!? Where?" Asks the horse who seems to in fact be Red Hare.

"Wait, are you seriously that much of a big shot that you can take on Chlodovech, Cu Chulainn, and that guy with the horns all on your own!?" I ask.

"When you say it like that, I feel much less confident." He says. "But to make a long story short, some stuff happened, and now I'm Fafnir."

"...What." Does not compute.

"It's called the [Evil Dragon Phenomenon]. People who exhibit overwhelming greed just sort of transform into Fafnir naturally, apparently." The self-proclaimed Evil Dragon says. "Though in my case it's a bit more complicated."

"I guess that explains how both Siegfried and Sigurd can have killed Fafnir." I sigh. "To be honest, I don't even want to get into that Yule party, but they sort of stole my ride, so it can't be helped. Typhon is… well, she isn't strong, exactly, but Sigurd cheated on his wife or something, right? She should be able to take him down. We just need to find a way to smuggle her out of the kitchen."

"It's an iron age German kitchen, though. There's no way any men will be allowed in there." Sieg notes, and slowly turns to stare at Merry.

"N-no! Go back there… I can't!" She wilts under his gaze. Yeah, she doesn't strike me as someone who can tell a lie to save her life. Someone else will have to handle the infiltration, which means…

"In that case… I suppose this looks like a job for Natsumi Schwarz."

"Actually, Baru, we're out of time! It's already January!" Says Typhon, appearing from nowhere.

"Eh!? Hang on! The author procrastinated that long!?" I shout.

"Sorry, Baru! You'll have to wait until next year to disguise yourself as a woman!"

"C-c-crossdressing!? That's sinful!" Merry gasps, scandalized.

"I can't say I approve either…" Caesar mutters. "Caesar cannot be associated with the methods of Clodius."

"Hmph! In that case, it can't be helped - I'll have to disguise myself as a horse!" Says Red Hare.

Chapter Text

-This is the story of something that never happened.

To start with, there's no room for seasonal events in a story that up until recently was crawling along at something like one update per month at best. And, furthermore, the tone was way off base for the last arc, and the story includes several characters that have no business showing up this soon.

But with all that said, it's that magical time of year again, when people in civilized nations drink eggnog, and Americans drink imitation eggnog, sometimes even mixing in alcohol and thinking they're clever for doing so. That time of the year when the Brits pull out the Christmas puddings they made up to a month ago or bought from the grocery store, and Americans look at me like I'm a crazy person for putting that much brandy in a desert. That time of the year when chalk-tasting frosted cookies that don't even taste good are on the menu, and I hate them but I can't stop eating them because their secret ingredient is intense nostalgia.

(I am an American. I just make fun of my country because our christmas cuisine is kind of weak.)

That time of year when winter colds go around, thus explaining why there wasn't an update to the main story this week. Sorry everyone, I'm feeling mostly better now.

That's right. It's Christmas time. And as anyone who's familiar with FGO will tell you, that means it's time for me, the author, to violate all the traditions and magic of the holiday season, for the sake of comedy.

Grab a glass of eggnog, real or imitation, huddle under a blanket, and relax, with this heartwarming(?) tale.

(As for me, I'll be sipping a hot toddy, because my nose is still stuffy).

I blink a few times, as my eyes regain focus in the howling snowstorm. Slowly I sit up, and wince as I rub a fresh bump on my head. "What just happened?"

I glance at the other members of last year's [Yuletide Crasher's Alliance] - er, I mean this year's. Yeah. Because the whole concept is we've been doing this all in one night…

Anyway, Sieg, Julius Caesar, Red Hare, and Merry are all here. And maybe Dagon too? Did he cause this snowstorm?

I guess we're going with 'that whole thing where Typhon showed up was totally a dream'? What lazy writing…

"You mysteriously passed out! Man, I wonder why that happened?" Says… a newcomer standing behind me!? She's got long black hair, red eyes, and is wearing a santa outfit, complete with a bag slung over her shoulder. A bunch of gun barrels are poking out of it- oi! It moved! The bag just moved!

Anyway, the only reasonable response is- "Who the hell are you!?" Not to mention, don't think I don't see that bump on your forehead! You're the reason I got knocked out, aren't you!?

"Wahaha! No one was ready for it! The Okehazama to end all Okehazamas - I've preempted my own story appearance to appear in a joke chapter instead!" She laughs. "It can't be helped, just call me- the Santa of Christmas Future!"

"We already did that one," I deadpan.

"Then I'll be," she continues without even an ounce of lost enthusiasm, "Mysterious Santa N!"

I won't dignify that with a tsukkomi. "San-tan it is. Hey, Caesar, you're our designated smart guy, why are extra characters showing up now of all times?"

"Hm, it's probably because Miss Merry and Sieg weren't funny enough!" He says.

"Hey! Take that back! I won't let you insult Merry, she's my fellow dedicated back-watcher!" I retort.

("Hahaha! I remember now!" Merry exclaims. That's convenient.)

"Nhhhey! You take that back! I'm not funny at all, I'm very serious!" Red Hare whinnies.

"I'm sorry, I'll try better…" Sieg begins writing an apology letter in the snow.

"Hey, future Master, do you need your eyes checked?" San-tan asks. "There's only one new servant here. I only showed up because-" She winks and gives me a thumbs up and roguish grin. "-don't underestimate GudaGuda particles."

"Liar! I can see something moving in your bag, and I just know it's going to be another inexplicable arrival!" And don't think that weird statement about particles will mean anything to me!

"Nah, it's probably just a Mini-Nob-" She starts to say, before immediately getting interrupted by another inexplicable arrival.

"That's right! Just for you, Fishie, the never-before-seen Winter Eliza makes her debut appearance!" Elizabeth says excitedly as she springs out of the bag, scattering muskets everywhere.

"Oh, nevermind, I called that completely wrong! It can't be helped!" San-tan laughs.

-By the way, in case anyone cares, Elizabeth's outfit this time seems to be a green ballgown meant to look like a Christmas tree, coupled with a star inexplicably floating above her head. To be honest, the ensemble ought to be totally garish, but she's pulling it off somehow - is what I would say if I was a fan of hers. But actually, I'm not, so-

"You look ridiculous," I deadpan.

Elizabeth staggers as if struck. "B-but… Fishie, you said you were my number one fan…" She mutters, tears in her eyes.

I… I won't be moved by this! "...I never said number one," I protest, looking away.

"B-but you're my first fan! That makes you number one by default! Shouldn't you know not to be rude to your beloved idol…?" Her lip wobbles.

"My beloved wha-" The penny drops. "Wait, you remember me!?"

"Duh. Why wouldn't I?" She says as if it's obvious… but that's not how Servants work!

"...I guess it must just be because this is a joke chapter," I conclude.

"H-hey! I'll remember you in the main story too! Just you wait!" Elizabeth says. "No matter how many times I return to the Throne and get resummoned! I will… definitely… sing for you!"

She's stealing my lines now!? "Thanks, but I don't really believe you…"

"Heh," San-tan gives a knowing laugh, and I glance back at her. She gives me the same wink, grin, and thumbs-up combo from before. "-don't underestimate Eliza particles."

"Don't double down on that stupid particle joke!" I shout.

Time passes, a plan is formulated.

"Fine! Very well! So be it! Against my better judgment, I'll support this plan!" Caesar says. "The kitchens will be infiltrated by Mysterious Santa N, Elizabeth Bathory, Miss Merry, and 'Natsumi Schwartz', with Red Hare also joining, posing as a horse for slaughter!"

"He actually is a horse though." - no one bothers saying.

"Sieg and myself shall remain outside, waiting for the signal, and once we get it, we will rush in to claim the feast for ourselves!"

…Wait, why am I even working with these guys anyway? I think I just need to get Typhon and then White Whale-kun, and I can run away?

…Well, probably not. She'll drag me into it somehow, I know how Christmas goes at this point.

But still, all I need to do now is infiltrate the kitchen with Merry, Elizabeth, and San-tan. Wow, why did I just get a shiver of impending death?

"...By the way, does anyone have a wig and some women's clothing I can use?" I ask.

I receive blank stares.

"Oh, actually, I saw a couple of snowman golems carrying high quality wigs and dresses while I was flying in," San-tan says. Oh, she crashed into me while flying, huh?

"...What the heck is a snowman golem?" I ask.

"Wahaha! You're pretty new to this Christmas thing, aren't you?" San-tan laughs. "Don't worry! My kit may be completely outdated, but that just means I'm experienced - I'll guide you through your first lotto farm, newbie! Now eat this apple."

…What?

Chapter Text

"Show your corpse to the Three Thousand Worlds… Demon Descent! Behold the Demon King's [Three Line Formation]!" San-tan shouts as her arsenal blasts through the last wave of snow golems. "Wahaha! Did you see that!? I've been chewing through thousands at once! Ah, as I thought, being my lore-accurate self really is the best!~"

"You're firing 3,000 guns at once! Of course you're gonna mow a bunch down, just how many did you expect to get?" I say with a slightly disbelieving laugh.

"Hmm… three if I'm lucky? No, actually it can go as high as six nowadays!" She responds. "Where the hell is my battery, Lasagna!? Nobukatsu doesn't count!" What does pasta have to do with anything?

"I'm not impressed at all," Elizabeth huffs. "You dressed up in a seasonal costume and couldn't even be bothered to change your Noble Phantasm's name - why did you even bother calling yourself a 'Mysterious Santa' or whatever, when it's obvious from the start that you're-!"

"Gaaah, you're right!" She shouts so Elizabeth can't say her identity. "Okay, it can't be helped, let's call it [3000 Lumps of Coal] instead."

"By the way, why did we have to kill that many in the first place? Didn't I only need one costume?" I ask.

"It can't be helped! You need to open at least five boxes to recruit me permanently, and five more if you want those ever-so-rare golden Fous!" What boxes? What are you even talking about? "But those are rookie numbers. I won't respect you unless you open at least a hundred! Take that, Author, I know you only got thirty this year!"

"I don't know how you think you're going to get a main story appearance if you keep acting like this," Elizabeth says, shaking her head.

"Wahaha! My appearance is inevitable! I can win every popularity poll, through the power of voter fraud!" San-tan throws her head back in a laugh, as a band of… strange chibi versions of her…? As those creatures emerge from her bag carrying what look like voter registration cards.

"By the way, you're not gonna do this whole 'Mysterious Something-or-other N' gag in the main story, right?" the Lancer asks.

"Hm? It's funny, so obviously I will," San-tan replies.

"B-but this is a serious story! We can't just have you in full comedy mode the whole time!" The Idol protests. "Even I got an emotional moment where Fishie dramatically confessed his love to me!" I did what!?

"Pffft, that's so last arc! This one has Jason in it! When has Jason ever been in a serious story chapter? I bet the final boss of Okeanos will be the biggest pushover of the whole story!" The deranged woman raises flag after flag without an ounce of fear.

"...Monsieur Subaru, I'm starting to think this is all just stupid, so can we go ahead and get the infiltration over with?" Asks Merry.

"You're only just starting to think that?" I snark.

"-And so, Natsumi Schwartz appears!" I toss my hair (read: wig) with a grin, puffing out my chest to emphasize my (fake) bust.

…

"...That's gross," Merry says after a moment. W-well, I knew she would respond like this, so what about the other-

"E-elizabeth!? Why've you got such a hateful look on your face? Y-your hair is starting to turn gray, you're Carmillafying-!?" Also, my eyes are up here, okay!? But at least San-tan will- "HeeeEEY what's going on there!?" I shout pointing at the red-headed bombshell that replaced the black-haired gremlin while I wasn't looking.

"I shapeshifted," She says, and leaves it at that, failing to offer any further explanation.

"Well then, I believe we're ready to begin?" Red Hare says, from behind me.

"Indeed, we should be- oi." I start to say, turning towards him, but the sight of him makes me even lose the Natsumi voice for a moment.

"Where did you even find that rubber horse mask?" San-tan asks.

(In the background, Elizabeth's gaze is drawn again and again to the pile of clothing harvested from the snow golems. "Just a little padding, maybe- no! I won't lose to… to Cat-fishie!")

Chapter Text

A pale woman with s-silver hair - no, control yourself, Natsumi!

A pale woman with silver hair and a goth dress answers the door to the kitchens. Cold gray eyes narrow at our group - okay, I can handle this!

"Hello! My friends and I are travelers, seeking shelter on this joyous day," I say, "Could we possibly come inside?"

Her obviously suspicious eyes slowly move towards Red Hare. The dead eyes of the rubber horse mask he's wearing over his normal horse head stare back. Come on, man, you said you had a foolproof deception strategy-!

"HOOORSE!" Red Hare shouts loudly. "I am a horse!"

"[Balmung…]!" The woman begins to snarl, a red sword manifesting in her hands-

"Lord Siegfried's…" Merry starts to mutter - and the next instant the Noble Phantasm shuts off and the goth woman is grabbing her by the collar.

"Just… what kind of business do you have speaking about my husband with such affection in your voice?" She asks, a blank look on her face.

"Eh?" Merry, naturally, freezes up. "Designated…back watcher… um, that is! I made a temporary contract with him once!"

"Oh?" Siegfried's wife - Kriemhild, I think it was - puts Merry down gently, and smiles. "You have my condolences for having to work with that idiot. I bet he did some reeaally stupid things without thinking of you, didn't he?"

Eh? Is Siegfried's wife the henpecking type?

"No… he was, um, a perfect hero-" Merry starts to reply.

"Liar… Come with me, and tell me every detail of it," Krielhild says, grabbing the peasant girl by the hand and dragging her inside. "I'll point out every little part where he was being stupid, okay?"

…

"Well, she seems to not be coming back, so I will call this a victory! Ohoho!" I laugh. "Let's just go inside."

Stepping into the kitchens, we see a fairly chaotic scene - various boiling pots are everywhere, and the red haired woman who had led Typhon away earlier is running back and forth from each dish trying desperately to keep the kitchen under control.

…On that note, the Witch of Pride is gleefully kneading dough for some kind of bread - it's such a mundane scene for her that I actually look twice to make sure I'm really seeing it right.

"Oh thank goodness, more people!" The red-haired woman calls out. "I'm Boudica, nice to meet you all, now can you watch this pot, you watch that pot, and you keep stirring this one!"

Needless to say, San-tan, Elizabeth, and I are completely caught up in her pace and end up just helping instead of what we were supposed to be doing.

"Okay! Just watch, Cat-fishie! I can do this! I'll show you cooking - Elizabeth Bathory-style!"

It's all over.

Red Hare, Boudica, Typhon, Merry, Kriemhild… no, like this, I doubt even the guys in the temple or our allies outside got away. Even Natsumi… that's right, I lost my dress and wig. After we went to all that trouble too. But in the end, everything was…

I gaze at the massive rubber horse mask rising from the ocean of stew, as San-tan sits beside me, and I try to find words.

"A man lives but fifty years…" San-tan mutters.

"What the hell happened!?"

"Cooking, Elizabeth Bathory-style," The Archer (I think? She never actually said her class.) sighs. "She was subconsciously using [Item Construction] on a sacred meal during a Pagan feast of blood, and so everything went all GUDAGUDA. It can't be helped."

"With just [Item Construction]!?" I shout. "Bullshit!"

"Hm, I think maybe the grail stored in the kitchens probably played a part." Boudica says, emerging from the stew.

"Oh, the Evangelion reference is over already…?" I wonder aloud. I would have guessed I'd need to choke out San-tan first.

"Congratulations, Baru!" Typhon latches onto my back with a giggle.

"No, that scene is from the TV anime- wait, that's not the point here!" I shout, tossing her off of me and turning to point at Boudica. "What do you mean you stored a grail in the kitchen!?"

"...Cups get stored in the kitchen, Fishie. That's pretty normal," Elizabeth says, emerging from the mess. I'm not even gonna dignify her statement with a response though.

"Ugh, I've got the general picture," Says Cu Chulainn as he emerges as well. "But this kind of sweeping devastation is a bit…"

"Hm, someone must have converted the Grail into a bomb!" San-tan says. "Wahaha, it can't be helped!"

"That someone was obviously you!" I shout as I tackle her to the ground, wrapping my hands around her throat.

"Can I go home yet?" Asks Merry, poking her head out of the stew.

"Anywa~y, now's the part where we pass out the presents!" Typhon says.

"Actually, I have one for you, Typhon!" I say, handing her a long-awaited piece of paper.

"Eh?" Her eyes sparkle. "What is it, Ba~ru? What could you possibly have gotten Santa?"

"A cancellation notice," I answer with a villainous smile.

"...Eh?" Her eyes go wide. "N-no waaay… That's not fair! Baru, you can't cancel Typhon's holiday special! What will she do after this? What will the story do without Typhon!?

"France is over! I'm free! I'm finally free, of you, of Prelati, and of this stupid holiday gimmick!" I shout in exultation. "I wonder what omake gimmick is next!? A Beni-Enma new-years adventure? A Daphne halloween? It can't be worse than this overdone mess!

"B-beni-Enma!?" Typhon wails. "That's not fair! Typhon judges sinners too! Typhon is a little girl too! Typhon has a cute verbal tic too! What does she have that Typhon doesn't!?"

"Homeownership."

"Nooooo!!!!" She moans. "Typhon can't possibly defeat that in this economy! It's not faaaaiiirr!"

I feel absolutely no pity or remorse. I know, no matter what, the next Omake can't possibly be more annoying than this.

"Coming this April, Hatred IF!" Shouts Francesca Prelati. "That's right, it's the long awaited Prelati route! Aren't you glad, Subaru?"

…I want Christmas back.

Chapter Text

A collection of short Valentine scenes for Original and Crossover Characters who appeared in the Orleans chapters, in a hypothetical scenario where they were summoned in Canon Chaldea.

Ahab

"Hmm," The old whaler grunts, his face growing pensieve. "Hmmmm. Chocolate… is it?"

"That's right!" Ritsuka chirps. "For all your help!"

"Aye, I understand. And, if I be not mistaken, the custom in thy country is… a return gift, yes?"

"No, don't feel too obligated…" She responds, but the bashful smile on her face makes it obvious she expects something in exchange.

"...So be it." He sighs. "There be little I can give thee, however. Spare peg-legs and harpoons ill suit thee, Master."

The Avenger spends a few moments stroking his chin. "Ah. I suppose there be that!"

With that, he disappears back into his room - and a moment later, he deposits a misshapen gray hunk of wax in his Master's expectant hands. A moment later, her face twists in a grimace. "What… is this stuff?"

"Ambergris," He answers. "One of the byproducts of my trade. We sold it to perfumers, to craft their goods."

Ritsuka takes a tentative whiff of the substance- "Bleck! It reeks!"

Her Servant lets out a bark of laughter. "Tis an ingredient, Master, not the perfume itself!"

"But what is it?"

"Ambergris is formed in the gut of the Sperm Whale - thou shouldst be glad, Master, 'tis illegal to hunt this sort of thing these days!"

"Th-thanks…" Ritsuka says, forcing a grin onto her face as she pockets what is arguably solidified fecal matter.

***
Ambergris.

A natural waxy substance found in the intestines of sperm whales. Used as a fixative to allow scents to last much longer, it is highly valued by perfume makers. Even a piece this small would be worth over a thousand United States Dollars - although, it is illegal to even possess in that country.

***


Reid

"Happy Valentine's!" Fujimaru says the moment Reid's door opens.

"Oh? Making an offer, you?" A lurid grin appears on his face.

"Not in the slightest!" She says, raising her Command Spells menacingly.

"I get it, I get it. No need to go that far, you," The Sword Saint says with a sigh, before changing the subject. "Hey, if you're giving out that obligation chocolate or whatever, hurry and give some to Beardie, you. Idiot's pissed at me for getting something before he did."

"Blackbeard, huh… ugh, he's totally gonna give me porn as a return gift, though," Ritsuka groans. "-But on that subject, who even gave you chocolate?"

"Hey, what the hell are you implying, you!? I'm the freaking Sword Saint, you! I can get a woman, you!" He shouts, incensed.

"Oh yeah? Then who actually gave you Chocolate today?" Ritsuka retorts with a smirk.

"...It was the Arneb brat. But! But, there'll be more! Musashi! Musashi promised me chocolates yesterday! Just because she hasn't showed up yet…"

"That…" Ritsuka thinks back to when she saw Musashi speaking to Hassan of Serenity yesterday. And Shuten Douji. And Wu Zetian. And Paracelsus. And Circe. "...I'm sure that'll go great for you!" She gives him a beaming smile.

"No question of it, you!" He grins. Yeah, this guy is gonna get poisoned and then challenged to a duel.

"...Anyway, why would Louis give you chocolate? I know you guys are from the same world, but-"

"Was for her brother, probably. Using his body right now, after all." He heaves a sigh. "...That damn Young Fish probably put her up to it."

For a moment, Ritsuka contemplates asking a bit more about the relationship between Natsuki Subaru and him. But, in the end, she decides it's not really her business. And so- "Return gift, please!" She holds out her hand expectantly, a beaming smile on her face.

"Huh? Oh, sure… I've got a spare magazine around here somewhere…" Reid mutters.

"Exactly the same as Blackbeard…" His Master mumbles.

***

Swimsuit Magazine.

A magazine advertising various women's swimsuits. A gift typical of the crass Sword Saint.

…Well, that said, it's actually rather tame by the standards of Earth. Reid, having come from a medieval world with no oceans, gets worked up just from the idea of a swimsuit. Blackbeard has made a killing pawning off this low power level merch on his friend.

***

"Good Morning, Fujimaru-chan. How do you feel today?" A familiar voice asks her.

But it's impossible. Because, that person, is already-

"Hm? You look kind of pale… are you not feeling okay?" He steps forward, removing a glove to check her temperature. "Hm… well, you can just rest if you want. It's White Day today, but… I'm sure everyone will understand if you need to take the day off."

Doctor Romani Archman's kind smile is the same as it always was. Why did she think that…

"I'm fine, Doctor. I think I just-" had a bad dream, she wants to say.

But deep down Fujimaru Ritsuka knows that isn't true. Even though she wants to fall into this beautiful illusion-

"This return gift… is way too cruel, Francois."

Francois Prelati

The false world shatters, and she finds herself once again standing face to face with the grinning Alchemist. "Hm? You didn't like it? Not quite saccharine enough? I got observations for some of your Lostbelt friends too, do you want me to-"

Naturally, she punches him in the face.

***

A Beautiful World

The return gift of Francois Prelati. A Chaldea that can never be.

All of your friends are here. Even those already departed, even the crypters who you might have been friends with in some other life. It's all been handcrafted with love and care, based on Chaldea's records which he received from his living counterpart.

By the way, if you make the wrong choice, this Valentine Scene has hours upon hours of Bad Ends to keep you entertained. But it goes without saying at this point - the moment you opt into the illusion, there is no Good End to be found.

***

Chlodovech

"Chocolate, huh? Awfully presumptuous of you, brat," The pint-sized king says with a grin.

"And yet, Gilgamesh accepts it every year!" Ritsuka says, smiling back.

"Seriously!?" For just a moment, his normally deep voice cracks, and Ritsuka freezes the sound of Chlodovech's true voice in her mind.

"That's right, so don't you dare look down on it!" The Last Master of Humanity points at him. "Also, your real voice is super cute."

"Y-you want me to split your skull, brat!?" He stutters.

"No, but I will accept a return gift."

"S-so shameless!" The Rider takes a single step back. "W-well, I did prepare for this, though… here."

He vanishes into his room for a moment, shortly returning with a vase almost as tall as he is.

"Hm…" Ritsuka strokes her chin, looking up and down the vase, her eyes catching the glittering lines of gold running through it. "Wait, is this-?"

"The Vase of Soissons - Kintsugi edition. Your people have some interesting ideas about art - but I like 'em," Chlodovech explains. "I was gonna go with a pure white lily, but… well, I'm sure you've already got one from another French servant, and white isn't the most flattering color with Earth in its current state."

"Y-you're not going to split my skull if I break it, right?" his Master asks.

"...I regret that now, I think," He admits after a moment. "The man who broke it was thinking of his king's prestige. He didn't do it because he hated me, but because he loved me… but I still resented it enough to murder him over it later."

The First King of France leans against the wall and sighs. "Blame the alcohol, I guess. Made fools of us all. The King of Conquerors too - he's got a story like this one."

"Ah, I think he said something like 'I wouldn't have become the King of Conquerors sober' when it came up a while back," Ritsuka says with a forced smile, and Chlodovech lets out a bark of laughter.

"That's right! I can't imagine I'd have gone for half of that nonsense I pulled back then if I wasn't drunk!" His sharp-toothed grin turns menacing. "Say, Master, aren't you of legal drinking age now-?"

"SorryI'mbusygottago!" She disappears in a flash.

***

The Vase of Soissons

An enormous vase, painstakingly pieced back together with gold.

To shatter something beautiful, and then remake something just as lovely from the wreckage - if this form of art had been known to Chlodovech in life, he would have adopted it with glee.

He did eat the chocolate later, but even though he enjoyed it greatly, he didn't apologize for turning his nose up at first. Until King Gilgamesh came after him, anyway.

"You dare look down on that which suits your king, mongrel!?"

Chapter Text

Valentine Scenes: Paris

A collection of short Valentine scenes for Original and Crossover Characters who appeared in the Paris chapters, in a hypothetical scenario where they were summoned in Canon Chaldea.

Merry

"So, I can't help but notice… everyone seems very busy these past few days. Is there something I've missed?" Merry d'Lyon finally asks, a confused look on her face."

"Oh! I guess you wouldn't know - your summoning is super unusual, even for a Pretender. Oh my, oh my, where to begin…" Charlotte Corday mutters. "Alright! So, as you know, Saint Valentine's day is approaching!"

"That's true… but it isn't just the Catholic Servants who seem excited. Is there something about Saint Valentine that makes him special even to pagans?" the younger girl asks.

"Ah… not quite," Charlotte gives a forced smile. "Basically… as society grew more secular, Valentine's Day became a holiday to celebrate romance. After that, it grew into a holiday where one gave gifts to their friends - and in Japan it specifically took on an identity where 'girls give chocolates to boys'. There's some giving of 'obligation chocolate' there, but the important part is-"

"I see, so it's about courtship…" Merry mutters, her face turning slightly red. "Still, women giving gifts to men directly… isn't that a bit… forward?"

"Right?" The Assassin replies, strained smile remaining in place. "But anyway, considering Master is from Japan, the girls who fell in love with him have been giving him chocolate every year. It always turns into a really big mess…"

"O-oh…" Merry mutters, looking away. "I guess… I should probably stay out of that, then."

After all, these feelings in her heart… the circumstances of the Ninevah sub-singularity… she hasn't sorted them out yet. Besides, Ritsuka is a pagan, and from a different time, and really there's just no way she, a teenage girl with the eyes of a dead fish, who surrendered even the aspiration to become a maid on her first confrontation with a certain Beach Tyrant, could possibly compete with the beautiful legendary women after his heart.

Charlotte nods. "Yup! You should just stay out of it. This is why you and I get along so well, Merry!"

…Why does her friend's smile make her so angry, though?

"E-even you're making chocolate, Gray?" Merry asks in shock. "I didn't really think you liked Master like that…

"Oh! No, um, don't misunderstand. For Master, it's just obligation chocolate," The other girl waves her hands back and forth.

"But that leaves things unsaid about my brother, right?" As Reines El-Melloi intrudes on the conversation, Merry's body rapidly enters fight-or-flight mode.

"Um, I was just leaving-!" She stands up, trying to retreat from the tea room, but-

"Hey, Merry, you get along with Gray just fine," The Rider complains. "Do you really have to run so quickly every time I try to get to know you?"

"Th-that's-! You're a English Noblewoman, and I'm, um-!" The peasant girl tries to stammer an excuse.

"Now, now, sit down. I promise not to hurt you," Reines says, but the smile on her face promises something else entirely. "Now, why don't you tell me about your problems?"

Merry opens her mouth, and closes it again. And then she does it again. And again.

"Um, Merry?" Ritsuka asks. Somehow, he manages to avoid asking the girl if she's doing a fish out of water impression. Somehow.

"O-o-obligation! It's obligation chocolate!" She shouts - before she places a four by four foot box into his hands.

"Ah, just obligation chocolate, huh…" Ritsuka mutters, peeking at the contents - wow, that is one enormous heart-shaped chocolate. Decorated with smaller hearts. And an entire poem.

Somehow, he manages to stop himself from raising an eyebrow as he looks at the Pretender.

"R-right! B-besides, you have beautiful women like Artoria giving you chocolate-!"

"You do know you've got basically the same face as Arotoria, right?" He asks. Sanpakugan and sharp teeth aside, MHX definitely has effective damage on this girl.

A million thoughts pass through her mind at that moment. But in the end, they all resolve into one.

Merry d'Lyon flees, tears in her eyes.

Obligation Chocolate (False)

Chocolate representing the earnest feelings of a pure-hearted peasant girl. Decorated with red and pink highlights, both in the form of more heart shapes and a poem. The literary servants of Chaldea have kindly refused to comment on it. Except for Anderson, who called it irredeemable trash.

The chocolate itself is quite good, though, thanks to the oversight of Gray and Reines.

By the way, Corday didn't speak to Merry for a day after learning about this.

Edward of Woodstock

The familiar sound of steel creaking against steel rings out in the halls of Chaldea as the Black Prince examines his received gift.

"I know you can't actually eat it, but…" Ritsuka's explanation trails off as she gives him a smile.

{"No, I appreciate the gift regardless."} His voice rings out in her mind, buttery smooth as always. {"But, Master, I can't help but worry. You shouldn't make a habit of giving gifts to wicked men."}

He's probably right about that. Goodness knows her next visit is going to be nerve-wracking. However- "That doesn't matter here. Because Edward is a good person."

The Rider freezes. He doesn't make the associated sound, but she can tell from the way his shoulders move that he takes a single deep breath. In, and out. And then-

A crash of steel rings out in the hall as his gauntlet slams into the wall next to her head. Edward leans over her, and his frigid fingers grip her chin, tilting her head up towards him.

"Are you sure about that?" Ritsuka shudders as his voice, barely a whisper, issues forth from his armor.

"I am." A simple kabedon won't faze the last master of humanity! Even if her heart is racing!

"If I had a real body… who knows what might happen to you." The empty black helmet draws close to her face - and then, he takes a step back, hand brushing through her hair as he withdraws. {"...Thank you for the gift, my Master. I do hope you summon me as a Saber one day."}

And with that, Edward turns and goes on his way, leaving a slightly flushed Fujimaru Ritsuka behind.

It takes a few minutes for her to finally notice the black rose slipped into her hair. "Th… that damn smooth, Otome prince-!"

Black Rose

Return gift of Edward, the Black Prince. In the civil war that followed the death of him and his father , the rival factions each had a different color of rose as their emblem - oh, who are we kidding. He picked a black rose because he's an edgy Otome prince.

Black Roses do not exist in nature. They are created by dyeing a red or white rose - and just as dye can be removed from a flower with the right means, perhaps with love, you can cleanse his black heart. Or something like that.

Love won't fix his Innocent Monster skill, though, so you should probably just summon him as a Saber.

Ley Batenkaitos

"Happy Valentine's!" Ritsuka barely has time to say the words before the chocolate is snatched from her hands and stuffed into the grinning mouth of Ley Batenkaitos, wrapper and all.

"Ah! Oh my! So this, is Valentine's! Amazing, spectacular, wonderful, delicious, *slurp*!" Batenkaitos babbles as he gnashes his teeth. The sound of paper and plastic tearing prompts a grimace from his Master, naturally. "This really is… kind of… boring."

Ley's face falls into a disappointed frown. "...Is that really all? It's just another candy. Master, we don't really understand. Why was everyone so excited…?"

Ritsuka gives a kind smile. "That's because it's not about the food. It's about the feelings behind it. Surely you understand that concept, right?"

"Ah," a smile returns to the Foreigner's face. "Yeah, we get it now. But, Master, the truth is, we're not that good at understanding other people's emotions from interaction."

"Mm, so it's like that," Ritsuka mumbles. "Okay! I'll just say it outright. Ley, the way I feel about you is - even though you were an enemy at first, even though you're kind of an annoying guy to interact with, seeing you stack all of those buffs on yourself at once when your Noble Phantasm gets popped really gets my dopamine flowing, so I appreciate you!"

"We… we don't understand," He mutters - but then, his grin goes wide. "We've never had a feeling like that!"

He lunges for her, left hand outstretched-

"[Gandr]!" - and is sent tumbling backwards as a curse nails him straight in the forehead. "Seriously Ritsuka, what the hell are you thinking, talking to this guy alone!?" Natsuki Subaru shouts. "And you-!" Batenkaitos activates his [Leaper's Talent] and vanishes before Subaru can give him the treatment he deserves.

"Ah… Now I'm gonna need to track him down later and let him know I'm not mad…" Ritsuka mutters.

"No, you should be mad! You should definitely be mad!" the Foreigner servant protests.

"Mm.. I mean, this is pretty much just who he is, so I won't resent him over it." Ritsuka says. "No harm was done in the end, since you made it in time!"

"No harm was done, she says.." Subaru mumbles, rubbing the base of his skull. "Look, I'll ask Louis to track him down later, but for now I'm going to give you an escort."

"Oh! While she's at it, can she let him know I'm still expecting a return gift?" Ritsuka says, Yen symbols visible in her eyes. "If he can't think of anything, an infant [White Whale] would be cool!"

"Your standards for return gifts are insane!"

White Whale - Super Duper Compact Model.

Ley Batenkatios's return gift. A tiny version of his Noble Phantasm, it belches fog and lets out annoying high-pitched screams in the middle of the night. Ritsuka swiftly regretted asking for it, but before she could figure out how to get rid of it, it disappeared mysteriously.

The Mini-Cu plushie has been looking awfully satisfied with himself lately, for some reason…

Natsuki Subaru

"Anyway, you've got really good timing, Subaru! One hand-made chocolate, just for you-!" Ritsuka says, handing him a red bag which he gingerly unwraps.

"A-ah, I, um, th-thank- OI, this is clearly from a convenience store!" He shouts, pulling out and pointing at a popular candy bar. "What the hell is this!? Ley gets handmade chocolate, and I get Strawberry and Thunder Crunch!?"

Ritsuka doubles over laughing. "Ha! Ha-haha, the look on your face - open it! Open it!"

He inspects the candy bar, and- "Oh, this end is taped shut. Let's see…" He opens it, and finds that wrapped around the expected candy bar is a piece of paper. "...Oh, it's that 'buy a star' scam. Did you seriously pay for this?"

Ritsuka is totally unfazed by his disappointed expression. "Wait! Wait, look at it! Read the name!"

"'Subaru's… Valentine choco. Oi, they seriously okayed this!?" The girl falls down laughing at his gobsmacked expression.

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. I'll eat my Strawberry and Thunder Crunch and cry myself to sleep," Subaru mutters. "How did you even get this set up? Is this Caesar's new business or something?"

"No…" Ritsuka stands up again, wiping the tears from her eyes. "No, I set this up a while ago. Before you went missing."

Subaru looks away, gritting his teeth.

"...I know you aren't the Subaru I know." Ritsuka finally says. "I never existed in your timeline, right? For you… I'm just some girl who thinks she's your childhood friend. So if you want to reject that-"

"No." Subaru says. "No, I'll accept it fully. Even if I don't recall a single bit of it… Fujimaru Ritsuka is my precious childhood friend. So… just give me a bit to remember exactly who we are to each other."

"Mm." She nods, a bittersweet smile on her face.

"...By the way, you want to compare rosters? Our little gang of borderline feral children - I'm curious to see if anyone else is missing from one or the other." Subaru says.

"Okay! So, first, there was EMIYA-"

"Liar! I get that this whole childhood friend angle is totally contrived but don't just make things up!"

"-second is Fujino-"

"Please don't just pick all the modern Japanese!"

"-Flat is third-"

"It would be cool, but he's twice our age!"

"-then Miyako-"

"That one's true, though."

"-Eh?"

Patxy Plushie (Handmade)

Return gift from Natsuki Subaru, to commemorate the conquest of the first Lostbelt.

Even if something was erased, it still matters. Subaru earnestly believes this, even now.

By the way, the fact that he's been summoned as a Servant and Emilia can't be means that he's totally single! You can do this, Ritsuka-chan! Just ignore the fact that Rem can also be summoned! The Childhood Friend always wins, after all (lol)!

Chapter Text

Omake:

What starts out as uneasiness builds to an impossible mountain of dread, over the course of the dragon carriage ride. A thousand what-ifs whirl around in my head, and what little conversation I'm able to make with the driver does nothing to stem the rising fear. The scenery rushing by, all of the familiar landmarks of the Mathers territory - only drive home the reality of this upcoming moment of truth.

Everything should be fixed, now. Williams did her part well enough, and Chaldea was able to pick up the slack. But even so, I can't help but worry. We only resolved Pandora's intervention - I never learned what became of the others' fights at the watchtower. Emilia, Julius, Ram - could one of them have lost? I have no idea. And as for Beatrice…

As we finally reach Roswaal's manor, the vertigo reaches its peak, and I brace myself against the carriage rail as I find my unsteady footing on the ground outside.

I take one hesitant step forward - and then the mansion's doors are flung open.

"Subaru!" The love of my life shouts, and through the tears already welling up in my eyes, I see Emilia running towards me. "Subaru, Subaru, Subaru! You're back! You're really back-!"

I want to put on a heroic grin, but it's all I can do to stop myself from bawling as relief crashes over me. "Y..yeah. I'm back."

And then, everything goes wrong.

"Hm? Hmmmm? That's not right," A familiar voice says from behind me, and irritation swallows every other feeling.

Of course she's here. I thought I had left her on Earth, but then she turned up to harass me in the capital. I thought I was just barely able to avoid her getting on the dragon carriage, that maybe I'd bought myself a day or two of release, but here she fucking is.

Francesca Prelati reaches over my shoulders and stretches my cheeks into a smile. "Smile, Subaru. It's your big reunion, right?"

Naturally, I punch her.

Tumbling off the Precipice in this Journey Through Time: Hatred IF (Part 1)

***
Just ignore her.

It's so easy to say, and I agreed with it at the time. But looking at her now, it's not so easy.

I hate Prelati. I truly despise her, from the very core of my being. Her personality would be enough on its own, but the litany of crimes in her past… and of course what she did in those twenty loops I forgot…

She deserves to die. Even if she is faking a surrender, I'm sure the others will understand. They have to.

I should ignore her. That would be the right path for a hero. But… I'm not perfect. I'm just a little too flawed, a little too petty.

"Stop the carriage," I say with grim resolve.

"Senpai, are you sure…?" Mash asks. "Weren't you saying that we ought to ignore her?"

"...Sorry. I'm going back on that call. This could be a real chance to resolve things. I have to at least try," I mutter.

"Be careful, Subaru. You can't trust her," says Jeanne.

"I know that… if she tries anything funny, you guys can just kill her," I say.

And so, against everyone's better judgment, we stop to hear what Francesca Prelati has to say.

***

I step out of the carriage, Jeanne by my side (as our resident Prelati expert), and I shudder as her disgusting voice finds my ears.

"I give up! It's your win, Subaru!~" She says with a trembling voice, crocodile tears streaming down her face. "You can go ahead and demand anything that you want, just please forgive me!"

"Forgive you? You've got to be fucking kidding. Do you really think you have any way to appease me?" I groan, rolling my eyes. "Well, if you hand over the grail right now, I might… no, actually I definitely won't spare you. Fuck it, let's just kill her."

"That's fine," Prelati says, all tears suddenly gone. "But hey, don't you want to do it yourself?"

"...What?" I ask, as Jeanne grips her flag uneasily beside me.

The Alchemist smiles, reaching up and pulling a small sheathed dagger from between her cleavage - actually, she's pretty small so do the logistics of that even - no, shut up, don't acknowledge her body! She's wearing lingerie for a reason, if you acknowledge it you lose!

"I mean it. You can go ahead and kill me, if you want. You know I can reincarnate, right?" Prelati giggles. "It's only fair if you murder me a few times, after all-"

"Shut up," I cut her off from blabbing about forbidden things.

"Hm? Is that no good?" She tilts her head. "I mean it, though. You can do whatever you want to me now. I had my fun, I'm ready to kiss and make up." The girl winks.

"Would you quit it with the damn flirting!?" I shout. "And while you're at it, go back to being a man, this is just awkward!"

"Awww, that's no fun… I picked this form out for your benefit, you know?" Prelati pouts.

"In what world!?" All you're doing is making me uncomfortable.

"I mean… like I said, you get to take your revenge on me now.~" She springs towards me, and Jeanne begins to blur into motion, only to hesitate, because this isn't an attack. Francesca smiles with poisonous sweetness as she presses the handle of her dagger into the hands I raised to defend myself, and presses her throat to the bare blade.

"Come on. Go ahead." She whispers, and I grit my teeth, trying to pull away.

"That's enough," Jeanne says, moving to pull her off of me-

"I have hostages," Prelati says, and the Ruler freezes again. "Berserk Archer was able to save and secret away a few hundred children in Orleans. If anyone other than Subaru kills me, I'll hand them over to Gilles when I reincarnate."

"You…!" I hiss.

"That's it. That's the right face, Subaru. Now, how about you listen to me? I want to make amends. We can work together, save all of the children, get the grail, and you can even kill me - wouldn't that be great?" Liar. There's no way it's a plan that one-sided in my favor. There's a catch. There has to be- "Is that not good enough for you? That's fine. You can go even harder on me, if you want." She leans even closer to me, the dagger drawing a small rivulet of blood from her neck, and whispers, "There's plenty of things a man can do to a woman to punish her, you know?~"

"Like hell I would!" I shout, and Prelati laughs, letting go of my hands as she hops back.

"I'm serious. This body's got fully functional organs - I can show them to you!" She pulls her shirt up, and I instinctively start to turn away, but she stops before revealing anything indecent. Actually, no, the zipper-like series of monstrous teeth running horizontally across her stomach is hardly decent. "Do you want to see them? My organs? I got them nice and presentable, just for you, Subaru~!"

"You're so damn gross!" I regret talking to her. Professor Velvet was right. Just what the hell did I think was going to happen?

"Ahahaha! So mean!~" She laughs- and then she springs towards me. That's enough, and Jeanne moves to intervene - but at that point a ring of sea fiends erupts from the ground around her and I, holding the Ruler back for just a moment.

I stagger back, but manage not to fall over as her arms wrap around my neck, and her legs wrap around my waist. Prelati's lightless eyes come nearer and nearer to my own, and I feel as if I'm about to fall into the swirling blackness of them. For one terrible moment, her sweet-scented breath brushes against my lips-

And then, just before her lips can meet mine, I plunge the knife into Prelati's chest.

"Ah…" She mumbles as she falls slack to the ground in front of me. "I… lov.."

Francesca Prelati dies with a contented smile - and I'm left standing here, the blood on my hands slowly growing cool.

I blink once, and then twice, as my heart continues to pound in my ears and blood continues to pool, mixing with the dust of the road into thick brown mud.

She doesn't disappear. I don't know why, but for some reason I was expecting her to - despite the obvious reality that Francesca Prelati is, was, a living human.

I feel strange. None of this should be new to me - I killed Betelgeuse, after all. And though I don't remember it, my hands are the ones that choked Meili Portroute to death, in one of the loops at the tower. When it comes to corpses, I've seen enough of them to get used to it. There was even the more or less accidental death of Louis Arneb.

And yet, this isn't how I've felt before when it comes to killing my enemies.

I shouldn't feel guilty for this. Prelati deserved it. So it's fine.

It's fine that I don't feel even the slightest degree of guilt for this.

***

As Paris looms in the distance, I barely manage to restrain a groan. Because, waving excitedly in the middle of the road, is Francesca Prelati. Again.

"...Can we just run her over?" I ask.

Marie laughs half-heartedly. "Normally I'd say no, but-"

"Heeey! I got the grail for you like you asked!~" Prelati yells, and sure enough a sparkling crystal appears in her hand.

"…You've got to be fucking kidding me," I mutter.

Just like that!? She actually did it!?

No, calm down. Calm down. Just take the win! Even if there's no catharsis, even if you haven't grown in the slightest, you can still accept an easy victory, right, Natsuki Subaru?

But as we pull to a stop, the sense of dissatisfaction builds and builds. I'm missing something. One last punchline.

It's as I exit the carriage and see the sadistic smile on her face that Ifinally get it. "Those hostages of yours. What happened to them?"

She said if I killed her, she wouldn't hand them over to Gilles de Rais.

"Hm? I killed them, obviously." I can see her lip twitching, the wicked laughter about to bubble out of her throat-

"[Minya]!" I fire almost by reflex as sheer hatred courses through me, and a purple crystal drives itself into her throat, and begins to spread along her body.

No voice can exit her throat- which is why it's that disgusting mouth I saw on her stomach that speaks.

"Ha..ha…haHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-!"

Francesca Prelati dies in howling laughter as purple crystals consume her body.

"And to drive it home the grail vanishes as well" - is not what happens. The grail, all too real, floats gently to the ground as Francesca's body crumbles away.

An improbable easy victory with no climax, that I did nothing to earn - if it was going to be like this, give me back my twenty four loops, dammit-!

***

"-Rayshifting complete. Welcome back, everyone," Doctor Romani says.

I'm still grinding my teeth in annoyance as I exit the coffin. "Ugh, I still can't believe that's the ending we got." We didn't even meet any of the Paris defenders!

"Now now, Subaru! Just be glad everything turned out well!" Marie says with a beaming smile as she exits another.

By the way, we only had the ability to safely bring back one Servant, so we wound up leaving the weakened Jeanne and the secretly possessed Mozart behind.

"Oops, I guess I should be calling you Master now, right?" She continues, winking and causing my heart to skip a beat.

"N-no, you can just call me whatever you prefer!" I stammer.

"Oh!" Gareth shouts as she exits her coffin. "Does that offer apply to me too?"

"Oh, sure. I mean, the whole 'Master' thing is a bit weird to me. I get it's an Earth magi thing, but spirits in the other world were always a bit more…" I trail off. "Well, Beako was always calling me 'Betty's Subaru', for example."

"Hm? Do you want me to call you mine, then?" Marie asks with a giggle.

Ah.

"Th-that might be a bit much…" I mumble.

***

As I head back to my room, my mood slowly starts to improve. We won. The fact remains, we won. In fact, we didn't even have to sacrifice anyone! Kongming? More like Fraudming! Half of his scheme was totally pointless!

"Yeah. In the end, I can accept-" I say as I open my door.

"Welcome back, Subaru!" Says Francesca Prelati, dressed in a maid outfit. "Would you like Dinner? A Bath? Or-?"

Naturally, I slam the door and start running.

"Maaaaaash!" I scream in terror.

***

"You signed a freaking Geas with that!? Are you insane!?" I shout, my fist slamming down on the director's desk.

"This was my call to make, Natsuki." Olga Marie responds. "Prelati has been a valuable member of Chaldea so far, and there are multiple systems that we really stand no chance of repairing without her assistance."

There's no way we can trust her, no matter how useful she is!" I protest. "I get that she might just reincarnate, but can't we, I don't know, rayshift her into the sun or something?"

"What do you think rayshifting is…?" The director mutters, pinching her brow.

"You're so cold, Subaru~," Prelati moans. "Even after I went to all the trouble of storing my memories in the grail so my present self could remember all of our interactions!"

"Okay, there was a living Prelati in the modern day - I get that - but how the hell did the you from the singularity predict that you'd be here to receive those memories?" I groan.

"Hm? Hmmmm? I don't get why that would be a mystery, Subaru," Prelati says, leaping onto the table and taking half-dancing steps from one side to the other between various paperwork as Olga glares at her. "I mean, doesn't Chaldea just seem like a ton of fun? I'd have to be involved, unless something completely amazing was happening somewhere else."

"You damn lunatic," I mumble.

"Ahaha!" She laughs, tumbling forward into a handstand so her eyes can meet mine again. "What's that, are you - you, of all people - worrying about me taking risky actions?"

"Like hell," I groan , falling back into my chair and leaning back. I close my eyes and massage my brow, trying to quell my rising headache. "I don't even slightly care, so go get lost outside or something, Prelati."

Something settles on my lap, and I open my eyes to see her black orbs peering back at me. "Hey, Subaru, that's mean. You know, right? I'm the only one who can understand you, really. Won't you call me by my first name already?"

"I won't."

She grins and darts forward, but I manage to block her kiss with my hand.

"I don't know what clauses you've got in that Geas contract, but couldn't you have included something to stop the sexual harassment?" I complain.

"Hmmm? The [Star Sword] doesn't seem that upset," Prelati says, squirming on my lap, and that's the final straw.

"Okay, get the hell off!" I shout, pushing her - and as she tumbles backwards, her head strikes the edge of the Director's desk with a nasty crack and she goes limp.

…

Olga Marie speaks after a moment as we both stare at the limp form lying on her carpet. "Is she… dead?"

"Th-there's no way. A magus should be able to survive at least this much," I mutter, and yet. "...There's no pulse."

The Director groans. "I bet that bitch did this on purpose. I'm going to need a new carpet."

"I… didn't- "I feel sick. Why does manslaughter make me feel so much more disgusting than when I actually killed her on purpose? "I didn't mean to-"

"...You're a bit too kind, Natsuki. Don't bother feeling bad about her, she'll show up again later," Olga Marie says.

She's right, of course. When I finally make my way back to my room, what awaits me is-

"Welcome back, Subaru! Would you like dinner? Or a bath? Or-"

"I want you to leave!" I shout.

Chapter Text

Eventually, the knock comes on my door. I've been expecting it for a while, to be honest. A dozen scripts to try to rationalize my actions have been written up in my head - what I should have said earlier, what I should say tomorrow when I tell everyone the promised story of what exactly happened to me while I was missing, and what I should say when someone inevitably comes to talk to me alone.

"...Who is it?" I ask. That's the most important question. I'm not really in the mood to talk to Roswaal right now, and it goes without saying that I can't let Garfiel, Emilia, or Petra see me in this state.

"I'm coming in, Barusu," Ram says, opening the door without hesitation.

"Oi! Do you want to see me naked or something, you pervert!?" I blurt, hastily rolling down my sleeves.

"Hah? Barusu has truly grown quite the spine in the time he's been gone, to dare to accuse others of perversity," The Oni retorts with a wicked grin - but that falters and falls off her face a moment later.

"Ah, about what happened earlier…" I start to say.

"That's not the issue, idiotic Barusu," She shakes her head, and steps towards me, grabbing my wrist and rolling up my sleeve. I grit my teeth as the fresh wounds are revealed. "...Good grief. Did you do this to yourself?"

"...Sorry. I won't do it again," I mumble, and this time I mean it. A small chuckle exits my mouth. "It was an old habit, but… I guess I don't get any catharsis from this anymore."

"Old habit… hmph, was Beatrice-sama helping you cover it up?" She says with a scowl, and I feel a fresh pang of longing. "For someone with four hundred years of life, that girl addresses her problems the same way as you other idiotic children."

She grabs my hand, and begins tugging me out of my room.

"Nee-sama? Just where-?" I protest slightly.

"To Garf, obviously. He'll patch your wounds up, and while that's happening we can address the most pressing problem directly," She says, and I freeze.

"I…" I had thought up a script. But none of it is coming to mind right now.

Ram turns and looks back at me, her pink eyes boring into my own.

"Barusu, make no mistake. I don't intend to judge you. There's no one in this mansion who would turn against you for attacking someone you saw as an enemy," she says. "Please do not think so little of us. We already heard from the carriage driver, how that woman was not with you when you left the capital. Considering her appearance and manner of dress, at the very least she was a sinister individual."

There's some relief in me, upon hearing her words. She's right. My friends and allies here will take my explanation hook, line, and sinker. They'll accept it, and try their best to hide their secret doubts about my character, until they've all but forgotten.

But I know the truth.

"Ram," I say. "What happened out there… was exactly what it looked like."

That is to say, on the front lawn of the Mathers manor, because of a minor annoyance, before I even walked through the front doors- I beat Francesca Prelati to death, with a grin on my face.

Tumbling off the Precipice in this Journey Through Time: Hatred IF (Part 2)

***
Four Day Maelstrom: Okeanos

Dazzling blue ocean and bright skies, as far as the eye can see. Here and there, I can see islands dotting the horizon, and in one spot I can see a towering cyclone of water, lit from behind by that same ominous ring of light we saw in France.

"So this is Okeanos, huh?" I ask. "I guess it matches the name…"

"Hmmm… I guess we'd better start preparing for desert island survival, since we didn't bring a boat," says Francesca Prelati.

"Thanks for not immediately jumping to repopulation jokes, but remind me why we decided to let you come!?" I shout.

"As of now, I'm an auxiliary Master!" She says, winking and sticking out her tongue as she strikes a pose. "My previous body didn't have rayshift compatibility, but since I was swapping anyway, I went ahead and included it in this one."

"Is it really that easy!?"

"Nope, it was pretty hard. Between that and giving myself a functional reproductive system, I had to give up on about two thirds of my usual Magic Circuit count," She sighs.

"Um, was the second part really necessary?" Mash asks, blushing slightly.

"Obviously."
"Obviously not."

I glare at her grinning face for a moment, before-

"Please just bear with it for now, Natsuki," Director Olga Marie says with a sigh as my wrist communicator springs to life. "Obviously, you'll still be performing all of our summonings - we don't need any extra Prelatis running around."

"But wouldn't it be fun?~" Prelati asks, and I refuse to dignify it with a response.

"For now," The Director says, totally ignoring her, "let's try testing out the Shadow Servant system."

"Geez, you seriously got it working that fast, huh?" I mutter. "Wasn't it supposed to be super complicated? It's only been a month…" Not to mention, Prelati also had time to make me a replacement dreamcatcher. I won't thank her for replacing something Francois stole in the first place, though.

"I'm a hard worker, you know? Olga said she wouldn't let me come along if I didn't finish fixing it, so I put all of my time that I wasn't flirting with you into it," She answers.

"Spawning extra enemies during training isn't flirting, it's harassment," I deadpan.

"It was funny!"

"Prelati-san, shouting 'oh no, we've got wyverns' wasn't even funny the first time, let alone the five times after that," Mash says.

"No, see, the repetition makes it funnier. It's like Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke."

"Did you really have to say the entire name Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke?" I ask.

"Senpai, please don't encourage her…" Mash says.

***

"By the way, Barucchi," Nagiko says, sometime into yet another day of rowing. "Where did you find Prelaprela, anyway? She wasn't at the Chaldea I got summoned from."

-That's right. The Archer I summoned in this singularity, Sei Shonagon, was somehow pulled from an alternate version of Chaldea. Because things weren't already confusing enough with an alternate version of me running around.

(There's a sound of thunder in the distance.)

"Hm? That's pretty easy to answer. I was there, I was just hiding in the background," Francesca answers. "It's not like I would have been killed permanently by Lev's bombs - or by-"

Whatever she was going to say is cut off as everything between her neck and waist vanishes into a fine red mist. Her head seems to hang there in the air for just a moment.

"-Ah?" I only get the chance to let out a small sound of disbelief.

The Argo pitches to the side, and then-

I blink, standing once again on the shore of a familiar island.

I should despair. I should be angry.

"-Pft."

Instead, I let out a small snort at the idiotic expression on Prelati's face just now.

***

I roll my eyes as I walk up the hill to the Witch's tea table. "Here we go again."

"How many times does this make it?" Asks Alter Ego with that gross smile of his.

"As if I'd tell you," I say with a small laugh. "-That said, Witch, can you go ahead and create another chair? I've brought a plus one."

"Oh?" Echidna smiles. "I wonder just who-"

"There's no need, Subaru," Prelati says as she appears in the dream, a scowl on her face. "I won't be accepting any favors from this damn whore."

…Huh?

"Eh? W-what's with that hostility!?" Echidna asks.

"To be honest, it was kind of an intriguing offer, breaking someone who doesn't understand the human heart - but sorry, the reality was completely repulsive. I'm not interested in the Witch of Greed at all, Subaru," She says, and turns to the side, pretending to vomit.

"That girl's a bit of a weird one, huh? Where'd you pick her up?" Alter Ego says with a raised eyebrow.

"She followed me home," I say. "To be clear, I don't mean like an animal, I mean like a deranged stalker."

"Yandere stories are totally 'in' right now, you know?" Prelati says, springing towards me.

"I don't appreciate them so pick a different genre!" I shout, holding her forehead back with one hand.

"Then I guess this story is something like 'a duel between two battle couples'?" Echidna suggests with a wink.

"Gross. Don't you dare put yourself on my level, you damn worm." Prelati sneers.

"Goodness, are you jealous or something?" The witch asks.

"Of course not. Because, you're already getting sick of him, aren't you?"

…

Alter Ego blinks, turning towards his companion. "Echidna…?"

"Ah… well, love always fades, after all. I've been trying to spice things up a bit, but not even getting him to hit me really got things moving again." The Witch sighs. "But I'm trying. I'm really trying my best, you know? After hundreds of years of subjective time things can get a little dull, but I'm sure he'll do something interesting enough soon. And if not, I guess I can try leaving him for a bit and see what happens. I really did love him at one point, you know, but even Return by Death has its limits. To be clear, I'm not talking about how we died and ended up here, nor am I talking about the obvious weaknesses like the lack of control over the reset point or the difficulty in explaining circumstances to one's allies or the limited perspective offered by just Subaru's actions. Rather, the problem is that I can only create so many possibilities to observe-"

A fist connects with her face.

"Shut up already, you shallow bitch," Prelati says, kicking the fallen Echidna's face over and over. "I never lost my love for Jeanne or Gilles in six hundred years. You're so fucking gross. How could you treat Subaru like that? I won't forgive you. I won't forgive you. You're like those goddamn fairies, flitting from one sadistic whim to another. Hey, what's wrong with you? Just where the hell is your follow-through? Don't you get that if you're going to torture someone, you need to do it right? How dare you leave him in a state where people might not even realize what happened. Don't you understand that a ruin needs to be magnificent!?"

Through her rant, Alter Ego stays silent. In fact, I don't think he's blinked since Echidna started talking.

Finally with a deep breath, Prelati turns towards him. "Ah… Just leave it to me, okay? I'll… ah, what was the line again? From her half-assed tragedy… I'll definitely save you! Or something like that, hahaha!"

***

City of Demonic Fog From Hell: London

"Oh come on! Are you freaking serious right now!?" I shout as yet another surprise boss appears to block our ascent up the crazy electric stairs floating over London. "Who the hell is it this time!?"

"I've got it!" Flat-senpai says. "My detective skills are telling me, this must be… Jack the Ripper!"

"Flat-san, that joke wasn't even funny the first time, so please stop," Says Mash.

"But don't you think repeating a joke makes it more funny? Like the boy who cried wolf bit from Fist of Fun," Says Flat.

"Ah, Flat, you messed it up, you were supposed to reference Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke," Says Francesca.

"Haven't we done Jugemu Jugemu Goko-no surikire Kaijarisuigyo-no Suigyomatsu Unraimatsu Furaimatsu Kuunerutokoro-ni Sumutokoro Yaburakoji-no burakoji Paipopaipo Paipo-no-shuringan Shuringan-no Gurindai Gurindai-no Ponpokopi-no Ponpokona-no Chokyumei-no Chosuke enough by now!?" I say.

"Yeah, but, for me, it's the audacity of doing the same joke every single time and not even having the cleverness to mix it up that makes it funny," She replies. "Like Jugemu-"

"Enough." Says the mysterious black-armored figure - in a very familiar voice.

"Speaking of doing the same thing over and over, it's Arthur again!?" I shout.

"-[Rhongo-]!" She shouts.

"Speaking of doing the same thing over and over-!" I repeat the same joke. Wow, it really is funnier.

"[Clarent-!]" Mordred shouts.

"-myniad]!"

"-Blood Arthur]!"

Two titanic waves of energy crash into each other in the sky above London. The shockwave is intense enough that only Mash's quick reaction time stops Francesca and I from getting sent flying off the stairs and into the roiling mass of curses below.

"-Father! Are you seriously opposing me here!? Are you saying you won't accept me… even now!?" Mordred screams. "Even as your city is being devoured - you'd rather fight me than allow me to save it!?"

"Well, considering everything-" Francesca starts to say, and finally my simmering anger boils over.

She's been turning the screws all this time, after all. The moment we ran into Mordred, she was back at it just like Francois had been in the first loop of France. I had thought it was just because he had ammunition, at that point… but to be honest, I wonder if Prelati has some kind of grudge against Mordred. She did mention being tangentially related to the round table in the past, after all.

But all that is to say, I've already been pushed to my limit when it comes to dealing with her bullshit this time around. That's why I laughed when Mephistopheles blew her to pieces a few days ago. And that's why-

As my vision goes red, I shove Francesca Prelati off of the stairs and she plunges, laughing, to the ground far below.

It couldn't be called self defense, or accidental death. This time was purely a crime of passion.

Murder.

That said, after everything was over, what waited for me at Chaldea was-

"Welcome back, Subaru! Would you like Dinner? A Bath? Or-"

"Get out!"

***

████████ Takes Manhattan: ██AMERICA

The gunshot rings out, and Francesca's head jerks back. She falls, lifeless, to the ground.

Seriously? To a joke enemy? Or maybe she let it hit her because it was a joke enemy?

I can't help it. I burst out laughing, and don't stop until a second gunshot silences me.

***

As the old man flickers into view, Francesca is suddenly standing behind me instead of in front-

"[No Second Strike]," He intones, and my body explodes like a ripe tomato. I hope at least a little bit of my blood got in her eyes.

***

"[Curruid Coinchenn]." Cuzilla says in that same monotone voice as dashes forward, spears erupting from his fists.

"Oh crap, are those all [Gae Bolg]!?" I shout. While hiding behind Francesca.

I'm still hiding behind her when the fight ends - not that it does me any good when the spears erupt from her corpse and skewer me.

***

██████ █████ █████: Z██████

"-[Nega Summon]."

***

"Are you still moping, Subaru?" An annoying voice cuts through my haze of regret and self-recrimination.

"Shut up," I mutter, curling up tighter in my bed.

"Really, is that any way for you to treat me?" She asks. "You were thiiiis close to being lost in Void Space, you know? If I wasn't clinging to you the whole ride back, you would have disappeared."

"...So what?" I say. "Then I could have gone back. Then, I could have-!"

"Pffft, seriously? You really think that Return by Death would work in Void Space? Are you stupid?" She laughs.

I pin her down, my hands wrapped around her neck. "If you can save me, then save everyone else! Save Marie! Save Elizabeth!" My voice breaks. "...Save Mash, dammit."

Her smile widens as tears roll down my face. Mirth and lust dance in her eyes as I tighten my grip around her throat. As her breathing grows more and more strained and her struggling body grows weaker and weaker-

In one final burst of movement, her arms shoot upwards and pull my face down towards hers.

My first kiss in the world of my birth tastes like poison.

***

Present day.

Ram stares at me in shocked silence.

"-Wow, Ram, what are you going to do now that Subaru's a murderer?" Asks Francesca, appearing from the shadows behind her.

"-Wha!?" Nee-sama lets out a shriek. "You!? What!? But you're-!?"

"Pft…." I snort.

"Pft…" Francesca stifles a giggle.

"BwahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" We laugh like maniacs, pointing at the speechless maid.

"W-wow, Subaru, what the heck was that? 'It was exactly what it looked like' - were you seriously gonna take responsibility for killing me? After all this time?" Francesca keeps laughing.

"Well, if I didn't take it seriously the punchline was going to be you not coming back, right?" I say, rolling my eyes."

"Ahahaha! You're completely right!" She skips ahead of me, before turning around with a serious look on her face. "By the way, at that time, when you killed me earlier today… I was pregnant."

I blink, and do a little mental math. "Liar. They hanged you back in Salem, remember?"

"Ah, you've been keeping track!~ You're so sweet," She slips back to her usual manic grin. "So, how about tonight? It's been-"

"Ah before that… Beatrice isn't here. Seems like she was probably somewhere on Earth and we missed her," I say.

"Hm? Well, yeah. She's probably our friendly mid-rayshift interloper! We never solved that since I kept distracting you from it. Actually, I poked around with Tri-Hermes during our Atlas visit - she even managed to pick up Mash when everything went to hell back in our first confrontation with big G," She says as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

I take a deep breath in. Not to calm down. But just to savor the rage for a moment.

As I tear off her face with [Invisible Providence], heedless of Ram's horrified gaze, a familiar cry escapes my lips.

"PRELATIIII!!!!"