Chapter Text
Raphael, despite being the oldest of his blood siblings, had always been a bit slower than them. It wasn’t something he thought about a lot growing up, even with knowing he was the last to talk - still relying more on the instinctual chirps and churs of their turtle sides than any of his siblings, except maybe Mikey.
He was the last to walk, too, preferring to crawl and scuttle after Splinter rather than drag himself onto two clawed feet and a too-long, too-big tail.
Even later in life, as the months and years flew by, Raph found herself lagging a bit behind - and yet it never bothered her. Not in the slightest! His younger siblings seemed eternally fated to try and out-best each other through one fashion or another - Mikey’s cooking, Leo’s writing, and whatever Donnie’s weekly fascination was at the time. And Raph was more than happy, thrilled even, to see them all thrive and become the amazing turtles he knew they could be.
It only really started to hit her after the Krang, when Leo slid more than effortlessly into the leader role after his recovery - finally getting that dose of maturity she’d been pushing him about for months since Shredder.
(No one talked about what had to happen for Leo to become their fearless leader. No one pointed out the nightmare-induced screams that would pierce the lair, the ones that resulted in turtle piles - or Leo curling into Raph like he had when they were tots, crying and sobbing and clutching his sister like she’d disappear if he didn’t.
No one mentioned the wide, torn gashes marking Donnie’s leathery shell or the wide, haunted look they got that made them go nonverbal for hours, sometimes days.
No one stared at Mikey when he would drop a utensil or a bowl, when he gave a heart-wrenching sob as his lineart came out shaky, when his hands would shake like a leaf in the wind at the slightest motion.
No one could bring themself to gaze upon the circular chunk missing from Raph’s craggy shell nor the foggy, pearlescent orb that had become her right eye, somehow not torn to shreds by the Krang infection and yet would pulse and ache as if still alight with nerves.)
In spite of the chronic pains and trauma and countless other hardships, the Hamato clan still managed to bounce back and even grow from a small mutant family plus April to include CJ, Casey, and even Draxum and Sunita as honorary Hamatos in the aftermath of the Krang invasion.
And then it kept growing, in the nigh decade since the invasion, and Raph had to admit he was completely unprepared.
Sure, he and the twins had finally reached their twenties with Mikey not far behind, while April and Sunita were steadily working through their yonder years of college. He knew they weren’t teenagers anymore - not eveything revolved around petty teen angst or the latest Jupiter Jim flick.
Hamato Raphael knew that, felt that, all the way into his ninpo as she and her siblings grew stronger and matured every year.
And yet he must have kept some of his slow-on-the-uptake tendencies from adolescence and teendom because Raph seemed to be the only one caught off-guard when Leo brought home the rabbit yokai who waited tables at Run of the Mill, introducing him as his boyfriend Usagi.
And yet she was somehow even more surprised when CJ sent the group chat pictures of his patrol with Mikey - a patrol that included Spider-Man of all people - and the event was quickly followed by Mikey bringing home a human teen his age named Miles. Only a few weeks later, after many instances of CJ nearly giving it away, did the rest of the Hamatos find out Spidey and Miles were one in the same and, oh yeah, Mikey’s boyfriend.
Suffice to say, Raph was reeling. She was thrilled and bursting with pride - of course she was, how could she not be - and so, so happy her youngest brothers had found people who loved them as much as the family did. It was everything she had hoped for and more, especially after the Krang. A brief talk with CJ even revealed that both couples had been some of the leading forces of the Resistance, with Leo and Usagi even being his second set of parents after Casey died.
It would have left Raph feeling the most content he had been since they were all tots, especially since both couples were a few years strong now, and yet -
And yet.
Raph finds herself outside Donnie’s lab, her fists clenched tightly and her lungs chasing breath as her vision tunnels. It’s not an uncommon feeling, but one that leaves Raph weary and a tad woozy nonetheless. But she’s spent weeks watching her brothers with their partners, spent even longer researching online and surfing through forums, searching for an answer to reassure herself to little avail.
Normally, the Hamatos leave the emotional turmoil to Mikey, or on occasion April. It’s a very rare thing for any of the siblings to stray from the better-adjusted members of their clan.
Even more rare that Raph has found himself drawn to Donnie of all people to help him sort this out.
But Raph just shakes his head, clenches his fists, and raises one to knock lightly against the titanium lab door. The camera embedded in the wall up to her left chirps and whirrs, no doubt scanning Raph, which then signals the door to shoot open a moment later.
Raph pads into the gaping labyrinth of tech and artifacts and scrap, carefully maneurvering herself as she steps further and further into her sibling’s ever-growing collection of nonsense and science. She can faintly hear techno music up ahead, which means Donnie is probably just chat-surfing again as the softshell often does nowadays, rather than doing some late-night experimentation.
He takes a few careful steps closer to Donnie’s elaborate computer set-up that looks like it's ripped straight from a Jupiter Jim movie, or perhaps those Batman comics Miles had gotten Leo and Mikey hooked on.
“Hey Don,” Raph says, alerting them to his presence before he gets too close.
Raph’s younger sibling spins in their chair, decked out in the purple hoodie CJ and Casey had gifted him last Christmas. He’s lacking his bandana, but nursing a cup of flavorless juice, bleary eyes staring at Raph while the Discord chat lights up the largest screen behind him.
“Rafaella,” Donnie greets, mouth thinned into a smile. “To what do I owe this midnight visit, dearest sister?”
Raph fiddles with her hands, running over the scars and spikes that have blemished her over the years. She tries not to look too hard at the ones she knows dot Donnie’s scales too.
“Could… do you, uhm, do you remember when… when you came out?” Raph manages after a minute, tucking his tail behind him and trying to control his fear stink - which is absurd , Raph isn’t scared! He’s… just…
Well.
Donnie’s brow ridges rise, which is a funny look considering how expressive they normally are with the bandana-brows, and they take a sip of juice before looking at Raph again.
“You’ll have to be more specific. Are we talking distaste of gender, aversion to romance, or abhorrence of all things sexual?” Donnie shudders a bit at the end of his statement, and Raph can’t help her own wince - which doesn’t escape Donnie’s notice, apparently, as he puts his juice aside and beckons Raph closer. “Ah, some further revelations of self, hmm? I can see now why you didn’t go to Angelo.”
Raph can’t help a slight laugh at that, one note and quick, because - yeah, she would have gone to Mikey. She went to Mikey about most everything. But as much as Mikey could empathize , there were some things only their twin siblings could help with; some things only Donnie could help with.
“So!” Donnie says, lighting up a bit. His legs kick a bit and Raph grins, ever-so-happy that her siblings are happy. “Tell me all about it, Raphie, give me some data to work with.”
A tablet drops into Donnie’s lap, tossed by one of his battle shells, and he looks at Raph with a manic look in his eye.
And Raph swallows hard, continuing to fiddle with his hands as he sorts through the derailing trains of thought in his head. He’s never been good at talking about himself or his own feelings; always the big brother looking out for his younger siblings which left no room for himself. Hell, the whole bi-gender revelation came about solely because of CJ slipping up his pronoun usage, having grown up interchangeably referring to Raph as both ‘uncle’ and ‘aunt’. Luckily her siblings and Splinter were there for that whole debacle and the aftermath of socially transitioning within their small circle, but it also meant Raph had no practice in voicing something like this.
So she tries to take a page out of Leo’s book. For once.
“I’m asexual,” Raph says forcefully, the pair of words practically sprinting from his mouth in a rush.
If Donnie were wearing his bandana, his eyebrows would be at the peak of his forehead, Raph is sure, but as it is, Donnie lowers the tablet and stares at her with a calculating expression.
“Alllllright,” He draws out, tapping at the screen before giving Raph his attention again. “Specially crafted ace merch for Raph has been ordered - pronto.”
Raph sits on the floor of the lab as Donnie talks, feeling small despite still being the biggest in their family. Sure the twins have shot up in height, Donnie especially, but Raph was, is, and always would be the biggest brother .
“What a pair of aces, they said with pride,” Donnie states, a gentle look on their features despite the calculating eyes. “Is… there’s something else, too, right?”
Raph nods, which draws a sigh out of Donnie. Within a second, the harsh light of the Discord chat has shut off in favor of a soft galaxy light, flooding the room in stars of pink and lavender. Donnie’s up and moving, tablet and cup in hand, before plopping in front of Raph. Their eyeline lands a few inches below the tip of Raph’s plastron until they tilt their head back, raising a nonexistent brow in Raph’s direction.
“We got all night,” Donnie says, then glances at the tablet. “Well, we got all morning, but same thing.”
Raph stays quiet, unable to form the words despite all the research and forum-hopping she’s done over the past weeks. It’s all on the tip of her tongue, but stuck like she’s eaten peanuts and gotten the words trapped, swollen in her throat.
“This… this is a me talk, you talk, situation, huh?” Donnie asks, no judgement despite the inherent sarcasm in their voice. At Raph’s nod, they steamroll onward, making a mark on the tablet. “Okay, so, I can assume the whole gender situation has stayed the same? No extra they or ze or it in the mix?”
“I’ll leave the complicated stuff to you, Donnie,” Raph says, quiet, but not as tense. Sure, Donnie was the least expressive and emotionally competent in the family. That didn’t mean they were expressly tone-deaf to this sort of thing, just a bit stilted. Thus, the shift from a coming out to an experiential discussion.
“As you should,” Donnie replies, flicking their head like Leo does when messing with his mask tails. Drama queens, the both of them. “So that leaves romance, then. I’m going to go on a not-so-hypothetical limb here and say the commonality of ‘little brothers dating and displaying far too much PDA’ is to blame for the confusion?”
“Yeah.”
“Got it,” he says, making another note before taking the final sip of his juice. “Am I correct in assuming heteronormativity is of no concern?”
Raph shakes her head, tail swishing behind her in a soothing motion. Donnie taps on the tablet but she can see the twitches in his fingers, a carefully timed stim that’s keeping her sibling focused on her the whole time. It makes a churr rise in her throat, loving and adoring.
Donnie rolls his eyes at the sound, chuffing back on reflex, which only makes Raph smile. She was definitely right coming to Donnie. Concrete-ness and a one-track mind is what she really needs right now.
“Homosexuality is also out then,” they assume, not even letting Raph answer. “Conventional methods of the extremes are out - how about our dear Nardo and Angelo, then?”
“I… don’t think so,” Raph answers, still sitting straight with tension but finds himself grinning at the thought of their more energetic brothers. “That’s kind of the problem.”
“I leave the complicated stuff to you, Donatello, the genius, she said with confidence,” Donnie snarks back, diligently typing something. “What about aromanticism? I’d assume no, but…” He shrugs, waving a hand at Raph.
“It doesn’t fit,” Raph admits, finally able to get past the peanut-swell in her thoat. “I don’t understand either side, I don’t think.”
“Mind elaborating?” Donnie shifts in place, looking up at Raph with a bit more confidence in his posture. Raph isn’t sure what she said that makes Donnie so eager, but alas.
“I… I
think
I want someone,” Raph says, quiet, staring at his hands again. This is the most vulnerable he thinks he’s ever been - maybe even more than when CJ accidentally outed him. “I’m just not sure what that means. Does that… make sense?”
“Unfortunately for you, Rafaella, it doesn’t make much sense - to me , anyway. Romance is a flighty trifle I have no regard for, after all,” Donnie answers, affirming and baffling all at once. His brow ridges furrow as he looks at Raph like a lock he can’t decode. “You want someone but you don’t… are you basing your romance assumptions off of our brothers’ pursuits?”
Raph blinks, mouth slightly agape at the insight before laughing a bit. Donnie cracks a grin, shoulders relaxing at the sound.
“Yeah, I mean, beyond them and the odd rom-com Leo puts on -” Raph cuts herself off with a shrug.
“So to take a page from our dearest Doctor Feelings,” Donnie smirks, eyes re-reading the notes he’s taken so far, “could you imagine romance without those ideas? Hypothetically, of course. Without those outside factors, what does the controlled version of romance look like?”
Raph is silent for a minute or two, subconsciously running his lip over his snaggletooth. “I… I guess what Case and I got, except - I don’t know, more ?”
Donnie hacks a cough, eyes wide. “You have a crush on Casey ?”
“What?” Raph exclaims, eyes just as wide. “No, no! She’s my best friend! I just, man,” Raph sighs heavily, running a hand over his face, “how do I say this? I do love her, but, like, in a ‘she’s my best friend and I never want to be without her’ kind of way. And I am so happy that Casey’s here all the time because she’s family, and being able to see her is great . Because I really like the way things are, and no, Donnie, I don’t have a crush on Case , but if I did have a crush - I guess it’d be all of that plus some? I don’t know, Dee, this is confusing .”
He takes a long, deep breath, calming himself down from spilling his figurative guts out, counting the scars on his left hand. It’s barely a moment later that a much smaller hand touches his, which has Raph’s head shooting up.
Donnie’s smiling, which must be a good thing, especially since they seem two seconds off from kicking their feet again if the faint purple glow of their markings isn’t enough to go by. They move with all the smoothness of a baby deer - which is to say, not at all - into Raph’s lap as their fingers fly across the tablet screen.
“Whatcha got, Dee?” She asks quietly, rumbling more than talking as she rests her own head atop her sibling’s. She gets a click in response, a happy one, as Donnie quickly flicks through multiple tabs before finally landing on one.
“How’s this sound, Raph?” Donnie asks, shifting so that she could clearly see the screen, even as he starts reading off the webpage himself. “Demi-romantic. Refers to someone who can only develop romantic feelings after forming a deep bond with someone typically through emotions or friendship.”
Raph stares at the page, re-reading what Donnie just read aloud but the pieces aren’t quite connecting, despite the light feeling in her chest.
“That’s - that’s a thing ?” he asks, moving a hand to grip Donnie just a little tighter. For once the softshell doesn’t seem to mind. “But, like, the movies and - and Leo -”
Donnie snorts, flapping his hands briefly before he starts typing once again. “Movies are almost always an exaggeration, dear brother. Even the rom-coms. As for Leo and Usagi…” Donnie shudders briefly, then shakes his head. “In spite of yours and my reservations, they are the epitome of dum-dum lovebirds who fell in love at first sight and never looked back. Which is just… whatever. So!” He perks back up, leaning his head against Raph’s plastron. “How’d I do?”
Raph’s chest feels simultaneously flighty and tight at the same time, and the swelling feeling in her throat is only amplified the longer she looks down at the page Donnie has open on the tablet; that being a list of signs one might attribute to being ‘demi-romantic.’
You rarely experience crushes. You only fall for those who are considered close friends. You prefer slower moving relationships. You’ve never experienced or understood love at first sight. You prefer long-term relationships over brief flings or jumping into a romance head-first.
There’s only a few seconds of clarity before Raph realizes he’s about to cry because that flighty tight feeling in his chest is going oh, that’s me , while looking at nigh-every sign on the page.
Raph closes her arms tighter around her younger sibling, hugging them to her as tears start to fall of their own accord. A rumbling, purring churr comes from deep within her chest and she feels her ninpo spark to life briefly - deep red melting into the purple geometry of Donnie’s as he relents to the embrace.
“I’d say that’s a ten outta ten,” Donnie comments, snarky, because that’s just who he is. “I’ll add it to the review list.” He settles against Raph’s plastron in content, letting his brother hold him for as long as needed.
“Thanks, Don,” Raph finally manages a few minutes later, spent from tears and yet feels more settled in himself than he thinks he ever has before. “Really, really.”
Donnie chuckles, pushing lightly at Raph’s arm in faux annoyance before setting the tablet and long-forgotten juice cup to the side, resigning themself to be their sister’s personal plush for the next few hours.
“Anytime, Raph.”