Archive of Our Own ^beta

Kim Suho couldn’t sing, he knew he had zero musical talent. Even his parents, his kind and loving parents, had once asked him to never sing in front of other people.

But the music he heard that day was mesmerizing, sitting there, and seeing how one man could produce an ethereal melody left an impression on a young Suho, never before had he heard music so beautiful, had the piano always sounded like that? He couldn’t tell, because he couldn’t recall the tunes, only the emotions.

So he told himself that he must play at least one of Yiruma’s song, with perseverance he could memorize where his fingers had to press, and he spent his whole life learning one song on the piano.

It took him years to learn it.

He knew his teacher had absolutely lost hope in him, and probably only stayed because of the money his parents were paying. (And left the second money was no longer in the picture).

Now looking back on it, he smiled bitterly knowing that it was probably out of pity they allowed him to continue to play music.

“I know you’re awake.”

And it was also probably out of pity that Javier said he liked what he played, but it didn’t matter, after last night, the invisible weight on his shoulder loosened a tiny bit. Although maybe now Javier was going to be even more suspicious of me.

“Ugh, 5 more minutes.”

“Master Julien is departing this afternoon, and it’s already 11am, it would truly be a disgrace if the reliable hyung couldn’t assist to his-“

“I get it!” Lloyd yelled, he quickly changed his clothes and raced Javier downstairs.

“So,” Lloyd said while catching his breath, “I hope we arrived on time?”

His whole family sat at the dinner table with plates of freshly cooked meats and vegetables; his parents insisted on a celebratory feast as it was a long awaited family reunion.

“Now that you’re here, let’s eat.” Arcos smiled fondly at both of them, “After all, Julien is performing soon.”

They sat down around the dinner table and began eating. The tender beef and mashed potatoes, the way the butter melted in his mouth, it was almost heavenly. But something was missing, coming from a culture where eating spice is the norm, the medieval European food was considerably more bland, and perhaps he still misses some parts of his old life.

The sounds of clapping interrupted his train of thought.

“Absolutely magnificent.” He heard a servant say, and he realized that Julien had just finished his performance.

Julien bowed politely, “Now, I would like to invite Lloyd on the stage to perform the next piece.”

‘…shit’ Lloyd thought, ‘Why would you do this to me?’ he absolutely cannot play the piano without bursting into tears, and last night’s performance was on a whim.

He recalled how the stream of melody crashed into random scattered notes as the water rushed faster and faster, until it finally slowed down at the end. Inconsistent tempo, wrong notes, scattered chords and general disharmony… By no means was his performance good, but the sentiments it conveyed must have touched both Javier and Julien’s heart, since their gaze held a deep regret and a soft sadness whenever they looked at him.

“Although many of you may have doubts about his abilities,” Julien avoided Lloyd’s intense stare, “I assure you that what matters is what the performer wants to transmit, nor the technicalities nor the complexity.”

‘Seriously? I don’t want to play the piano, why did you make up an excuse for me? Please stop.’ Lloyd tried to convey this message to him, but he took no notice of it.

“So please grant him a chance, mother.” He explained without them even asking the question, “I’ve heard that Lloyd never bothered to listen to your music but…”

‘Why is he insisting on me playing the piano so much?’

“Last night, I heard him play the piano.”

FLASHBACK

It was midnight when Javier and I went to the library to practice the piano. I knew I was breaking curfew but I really didn’t want to disappoint everyone.

After learning about the debt and how even Lloyd helped to clear it, I felt that I should be working a bit harder too.

I saw him construct a brand new suspension bridge, Javier told me that he defeated the Gigatitan in Cremo and he even saved our estate from bankruptcy.

My awful brother, who would hit me if I looked at him, who was drunk everyday and who would cause trouble everyday, saved so many people.

What did I do?

‘Spend their money to study at an academy that doesn’t even focus on knowledge’

What could I do?

‘Even an alcoholic has done more than you.’

I focused even more on my studies and now that I am back, I want to- no, I will show them how much I’ve grown.

My teacher had once told me music is an expression of the soul, and I want to show my family how much I appreciate them. I would play something that made even mother sob tears of joy.

But when we opened the door, we saw that someone beat us to the piano.

The moonlight shone down upon the figure. His hunched over back made him look tiny, somehow uncharacteristic of him.

‘Since when did I see him as a reliable older brother?’

Then Lloyd started playing the piano.

He was playing a beautiful melody, a song I’ve never heard before, an almost foreign song. It was as if the music was meant to be written in a future era, a refined version of everything we know today.

It lacked complexity and in the beginning it felt as if Lloyd was holding back.

Was he scared of expressing his emotions?

Then it slowly build up, with more confidence, with more sentiment. When it got to the repeating melody again, I barely recognized it, the second time he played it was with anger, anger and regret. 

Regret for what? I wanted to ask Javier, but he looked even more lost than me.

The next time was with gentleness, he seemed to have calmed down, and the piano reflected that, and I truly realized the power of music, I’m sure what I felt was what he felt when playing that, because that tranquility made me feel a sort of acceptance with reality, with the ugly truth of this world filled with injustice.

The last time he played it, I think he wanted to tell me that everything will change.

(Lloyd, in his mind comes to the conclusion that the only thing that is eternal is the fact that there is change)

He played the same repeating melodies a thousand times, yet I can’t say that any of those times had the melody been the same, it had always been slightly different.

Fundamentally, the same notes were being played, but it carried a different message every time.

Maybe the old Lloyd is just like that, he is the same as ‘new Lloyd’ but expressed differently. 

Perhaps they really are just the same person, but one overcame his struggles and the other one didn’t.

Wait, his struggles?

It hit me how much I didn’t know about him.

He clearly was regretful over something, but what?

Mom and dad have always been nice to him, what was he sad about?

But emotions don’t lie, he’s clearly feeling guilty over something.

He was always so abusive and mean, I couldn’t forgive him, I still can’t forgive him, but his recent change of heart made him someone I could look up to.

‘But still…’

(The final notes were bittersweet, Javier broke the silence, he could only shoot an angry glare at him, because he was a bit too lost in his own thoughts)

‘Has he really changed? Because it’s almost as if he is someone else entirely.’

FLASHBACK END

“It really touched my heart.”

Lloyd looked around the room, and everyone was glancing at him suspiciously. Quite uncomfortable. A fact that Javier noticed.

“If I may interject, Master Lloyd has previously displayed little to no talent in the field of music.” 

“Wha- and what about you huh?”

“It’s unnecessary for a knight to learn the piano when my talent is in swordsmanship.”

“Are you seriously calling me untalented?”

“Where did you get that idea? I would never say such disrespectful things to master Lloyd.” Javier smiled, and added quietly, “...but your singing is horrible.”

“...My what is terrible?”

“Glad you asked, it is so annoying seeing your face whenever you try to sca-”

“No no no,” Lloyd cut him off, dragging both Javier and him heading towards the exit, “I heard something about my singing.”

“Seems like your tone-deafness is getting even worse.” Javier said half-laughing, “But don’t worry, I have developed immunity towards it.”

Lloyd stared at him for a second, and smiled. A smile unlike his usual scammy, terrifying smile, or the weird face he makes when he gets something he wants.

Javier looked at him, an indescribable expression on his face.

Lloyd laughed, laughed like he did back in Korea, when life was still full of hope and wonder. And headed back into the room, and sat down on the chair right in front of the piano.

Kim Suho doesn’t know how to describe music, he could never understand music. 

Or so he thought.

Yes, he would never understand music like the people around him, but the effects remain the same, that much was evident, especially after last night. So who’s to say that he can’t appreciate music?

This time he played a classical piece (mainly because he doesn’t want to make anyone suspect his identity by playing more modern music and because he doesn’t want to cry in front of everyone).

“Moonlight is nothing but the reflection of sunlight.” 

He suddenly recalled what his mother once said during practice, “The first movement of Moonlight Sonata is repetitive, repetitive but tranquil and calm. Don’t try to rationalize it, let sunlight be reflected off you to become moonlight.”

He let his finger glide, the same movement of wrist with his right hand reminded him of the constant river of notes streaming down.

“Stars represent hope, but the moon is what inspired us to reach out for that hope.”  - ███████

He can’t recall who said that, he can’t recall parts of the piece, he didn’t play it nearly as often as ‘The River flows in you’, and the fact that it was nearly twice as long didn’t help either.

He has already forgotten so much about Korea, everything is just a haze, blurry, and no matter how much he tried to reach, to hold those memories, they just disappear, leaving nothing but a faint emotion of what he felt.

“The sun is a star too, right?” Kim Suho asked ███████ , “So does that mean that the moon is better than the sun?”

“No, because the sun is what inspires the moon to come up each night.”

“Then what happens on nights where the moon disappears?”

“The moon sometimes gets very sad knowing it can never outshine the sun, but everytime the sun manages to cheer the moon up, because…”

“Because?”

“Because the sun can never outshine the moon at night.”

Lloyd smiled as he bowed at the audience, he could see his ‘mother’ and ‘father’ with tears running down their cheeks.

And he wondered whether that hope was reflected here when his parents died, or whether being here, with Javier, with his new family regenerated that hope.

“Then why would the moon be sad then?”

“Wouldn't you be sad if you’re nothing but a reflection of somebody else?”

‘...No, because although they are fundamentally the same, they shine in a completely different way.’ Lloyd answered in his mind.

(He would one day find out, that that hope never truly disappeared, because he had become the moon that always tells the warmth and kindness of the sun)