Chapter Text
There was so much waiting. They were all here at the Idol Star Athletic Championships, in matching uniforms, except Yoongi who was down with the basketball competition, and they were waiting. Endlessly waiting. They’d walked and waved and now they waited for it to be their turn to run for four minutes and then be done. So while they waited they talked and played simple games with their hands to pass the time. There was an awful lot of hitting each other but that was pretty normal. It kind of felt like a waste of time to be sitting and waiting instead of practicing or working on the new album or even sleeping, but it was also a little nice to just sit and talk.
Jungkook and Jimin were needling him again about Sam. They hadn’t really let up since that night in Chicago teasing him about his girlfriend, calling him “lover boy” again. He had hoped that letting Sam hang out with his closest friends would put an end to all that, let them see that it really wasn’t like that at all. She was just like them, just like one of the guys, just a friend. Instead, they’d given him endless amounts of grief about how she’d blushed when Yoongi came in, how she’d snuggled into Taehyung’s hoodie, forgetting that she was wearing it until she was already in the elevator and running back breathless to shove it into Jungkook’s hands without an explanation. They thought it was hilarious that his dream girl went all stuttery and wide-eyed over Yoongi.
It was hilarious. He thought it was great that Yoongi was her favorite, that Yoongi made her blush, that Yoongi’s songs were her favorite. It honestly took a lot of the pressure off of him. He wasn’t exactly shy of the spotlight but a crowd of screaming fans were very different than just one painfully observant friend in his head. Sam noticed so much more than he wanted her to. She knew when he was annoyed at his hyungs or frustrated with himself. He couldn’t pretend to be fine when he was too tired to think straight. He wanted to appear more collected and competent than he felt. It should have been annoying, losing even more privacy. It should have felt invasive and rude. Maybe if it was anyone else it would have, but Sam was supportive and encouraging and funny and also kind of enamoured with Yoongi. It wasn’t as though Taehyung didn’t understand. He was frequently impressed and amazed by the things Yoongi did. Like taking care of everyone in the sneakiest way possible.
It was a little strange to be here without him. The last time they’d been here they’d had a tiny white teddy bear instead of Yoongi himself. Now he was here, but not with them. He was off being amazing with a whole different team. It was really better that way. None of them were half as good as Yoongi when it came to basketball. They weren’t lacking in care or anything without him. Seokjin and Namjoon were being excellent supporters, cheering and dancing for the fans. They’d all eaten a nice lunch and now they waited some more. They waited and they talked and they goofed around while a hundred cameras recorded every little thing they did. It was just another day in the life, but one that he would have rather spent dancing or sleeping.
There was always the schedule though, always promoting to do. The past four months had been incredible. He’d thought that “Boy in Luv” had put them on the map, but now this new album was putting them on a different level, reaching goals and taking them new places. Not here, necessarily, sitting around waiting to pretend to be athletic for the cameras. They’d done this before. Jungkook was excited though. Any chance to compete in anything for any reason was enough for him to grin. Taehyung loved to win but no one loved it as much as Jungkook. So he took this opportunity, sitting on the floor of the gym, to beat him as many times as possible in this crazy made up game. Of course, Seokjin was beating them both.
It was a slow way to pass the time. He wanted to text Sam but she was sleeping. She was here in Seoul and he still couldn’t see her. They were back in the same town but there was no way for him to see her. She was busy catching up with her friend. He was busy being famous. It wasn’t new or anything. It happened all the time, missed connections with friends. Same city, same day,, but no time for anything other than exchanging a few selcas. He was used to it but this time it was different. It was different and he wasn’t sure he really liked that at all.
---
“I’m just not sure if it’s sane.”
“It is a little unreasonable, but you’ve got a good plan.”
“I guess.”
“Look, Sam, you know I like you right?”
“Yes?”
“Really, I really like you.”
“Jess, are you hitting on me?”
“No. I just need you to have the right foundation for what I’m about to say.”
“Alright. I have the foundation.”
“Go away.”
“Excuse me?”
“Go. You’re bored here.”
“No, I’m not. I like it here.”
“You’re always talking about Seoul. You miss it like crazy. You miss Hyemi.”
“I do, but… it’s not all sunshine and roses, you know? It’s not easy to be a foreigner in Korea.”
“But you have a place to live and a job, right?”
“I have a connection to maybe get a job, yeah.”
“And here? You have no job. What’s keeping you here?’
“Responsibility? This doesn’t feel like a very responsible thing to do.”
“Responsible for what though? Yeah, we love having you on the dance team, but it’s not as though we’ll fall apart without you. Your family is on board with it, right?’
“My parents are… supportive but not excited. And Nana, well I’m the only one she has really.”
“But Sam, how often does she really know you’re there?”
---
Outside, the sun was blistering, the pavement shimmery with heat. Inside, Samantha was shivering. The sweat from the short walk from her car was drying behind her knees and the creases in her elbows. She untangled the cardigan draped over her purse and shrugged into it as she knocked on Nana’s door.
“Hello, Nana. How are you today?” Nana looked up from her usual seat by the window. Usually Samantha was greeted with a smile, even if Nana didn’t know who she was smiling at, she smiled. But today, her lips only twitched a little before she looked back at her lap, hands roaming shakily. “Nana, it’s Samantha. Are you feeling okay?” Sam walked over and dragged the other chair, the one she thought of as her chair, to the window too.
Nana barely glanced at her, focusing instead on what Samantha could now see was a notebook in her lap. “It’s not done. I can’t finish it. I just… I don’t remember,” Nana said. Her voice quivered in a way that made Samantha’s stomach clench.
“Can’t finish what, Nana?” Samantha reached out to hold Nana’s shaking hand, but Nana pulled away, gripping the notebook tightly.
“I’ve been trying to write it all down, but I can’t remember.” Nana looked up at her now, watery eyes unfocused but still full of anguish. Samantha had never heard Nana be so aware of how little she was aware of. She smoothed her suddenly clammy hands down her legs.
“Maybe I can help. What are you trying to remember, Nana?”
“It’s been so many years.” Nana shook her head. “I miss them you know, now that he’s gone. The dreams. I wish I’d had them longer.”
Samantha bit her lips together and nodded. “Is that when the dreams stopped, Nana? When Gramps died?”
“Oh no no no, little bird.” Nana rubbed her knee softly, looking up and giving her a wavering smile. At least she knew who she was talking to. “They stopped long before that. I don’t remember when exactly. It was so long ago. After we were married, though by then they were so few and far between. He worked the night shift after the war but once we were on a similar schedule we hardly ever dreamed of each other. Hard to tell when they stopped.”
“Yeah, Taehyung and I hardly ever seem to be on the same schedule.”
“Taehyung. That’s an unusual name.” Nana was smiling again, seeming more relaxed. Samantha wasn’t sure if it was because she was literally forgetting why she’d been sad or if she was just moving on for the time being.
“Yes, Nana. He’s Korean.”
“How lovely! And how did you meet him?” Samantha kind of liked this part of Nana’s forgetfulness. Every time, Samantha got to tell Nana the same story and each time Nana was surprised and delighted all over again. This time though, the weight of guilt made it hard to tell the familiar story.
“Actually, I’m… I’m going to move to Seoul,” she blurted out. Samantha watched Nana’s face for disappointment, or betrayal, or sadness.
“Oh, that’s delightful. I never did get to travel as much as I wanted to.”
“You’re not sad?” Samantha leaned forward, searching Nana’s face. She looked completely genuine, but Samantha knew that there was no way to tell how long that would last. Would she be sad and devastated after Samantha left?
“Of course not. You should go. Travel. See the whole world.”
“Won’t you be lonely, Nana?” Nana reached for Samantha’s hand, pressing their hands together, scar to scar.
“My life isn’t what you should be worrying about, little bird. You know,” Nana looked at Samantha, unshed tears threatening to spill. “You know I won’t remember most of the time.”
“Nana, please.” Samantha didn’t have the years of self control that Nana did. She wasn’t able to keep the tears from falling.
“Little bird, you have to do what’s best for you. Don’t stay here for me. You go. You live and dream and write me letters. Send me letters and I will read them and be happy.”
“Nana, I’m scared,” Samantha whispered. “I don’t know why all this is happening to me.”
“Don’t be afraid, little bird. It’s not finished, but I hope it will be enough. You take it with you. You finish it.” Nana pressed the book into Samantha’s hands.
“What is it Nana?” Nana smiled then, finally a real smile, not tinged with sadness.
“Mother started a project, just collecting the stories she knew. I kept up with it for a while. It’s not finished. I can’t remember as much, but it’s as much as I have. You take it. You finish it.”
Samantha clutched the book to her heart, not trusting herself to speak. These days with Nana were getting rarer and rarer, days when Nana knew who she was, who Samantha was, when they were and what was happening. She wanted desperately to end this on a good day, to see Nana and say goodbye when her words would mean something, would be more than just a blip in Nana’s repetitive days. She didn’t want to think that this was the last time she would sit with Nana, the last time to talk and ask questions. It might be, but she hoped it wasn’t.
“I love you, Nana.” It wasn’t half of what she wanted to say but it was suddenly the only thing she could manage.
“I love you, too, little bird. Always.”
---
“Taehyung, it’s incredible. She’s got stories in here all the way from Wales. Like, from my great-great-great grandmother or something. Some of it is handwritten, and let me tell you Nana’s handwriting is not easy to decipher, but she’s got the typed up bits stuck to the pages too, that I think are from Nana’s mother. So many stories.”
“And they all have these dreams?”
“Yes! I mean, no. Not every woman in the family. Sometimes it skips generations, or one sister gets it but the other doesn’t. I think it’s pretty random.”
“But it’s only the women?”
“Yes. The people they dream of get it too, but, and maybe it’s just the family bias or whatever, but it seems like it’s the women who… I don’t know, cause it? So really, this is all my fault?”
“Well sure, Sam. You definitely asked to be born in this family and then have a personal tragedy that left you with an oddly specific scar that caused a psychic connection to a stranger. What a horrible human you are.”
“When you put it like that…”
“And so, um… in these stories, do… do they all get married?”
“Oh. Um, no actually. There are two where they don’t. I think. It’s all pretty vague and I think Nana’s grandma is telling what she heard from her sister, so it’s hard to sort out. Plus the typewriter ink is fading so it’s hard to read. But, um, yeah. There’s a woman who dreamed of another woman and of course they didn’t get married. And I think one woman who dreamed of a married guy, so, you know, the marriage there isn’t between the dreamers.”
“But… but they’re all in love, right?”
“Looks that way, yeah.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“But we’re…”
“No, no, we’re not. Taehyung, I don’t think it has to be like that. I don’t…”
“Yeah. Of course. I mean, we’re on opposite sides of the world.”
“For now, yeah.”
“Yeah.”
---
Every inch of his skin was covered in sweat. Every muscle he could feel was aching. Taehyung couldn’t keep his eyes open but he couldn’t sleep, jostled between the members on the road back to the hotel. The Summer Sonic concerts had been a whirlwind. Their sponsors had provided them with hoodies and he’d sweat through all his layers before the first song was even finished, but the crowd was amazing. These big outdoor festivals were always such a big show, so much louder and wilder than a regular concert and everyone had felt it. He’d never seen the rap line go as hard as they did tonight, Jungkook joining them as he attacked his lines in “Rise of Bangtan.” He’d gotten to be on stage for “Cypher: Killer” which was always exciting. They were all running on fumes and adrenaline, so for this concert they just went all out. No holding back, no saving it for tomorrow, just pushing themselves to the limit and feeling the crowd give the energy back ten times stronger.
The Red Bullet tour was almost over. Just one more concert left in a couple of weeks, then a short break before heading back to America for another week in four new cities. It was strange to be heading back to America and not seeing Sam. Not that she wouldn’t gladly come to their shows, but by the time he got back to her continent, she would be in his. He could still hardly believe she was moving to Seoul. It all made so much sense when she had explained it to him. Her job was ending. She was feeling restless. Her friend in Seoul had a connection so she had a job waiting for her. She missed the city and had enjoyed her recent visit so she was moving back.
He would still be travelling all over the place, and even when he was in Seoul, he didn’t have that much free time. It shouldn’t be so exciting that she was going to be in the same city as him. Sam had made it very clear that she wasn’t moving to Seoul for him. He probably wouldn’t ever see her because of their different schedules. Probably. But the chance of seeing her was much greater when she could just take a taxi to meet him, instead of a plane. The chance was there. He got to hang out with other friends sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. And Sam was likely to be the kind of friend that could pick up right where they left off after long stretches without seeing each other.
Except, he would still be seeing her in his dreams. Would they still dream of each other as much when they lived in the same town? He still kept odd hours with many late nights and early mornings. She might be working the same kind of hours she had before, regular and normal, or she might spend nights with her charges so there was no telling when they would be sleeping together. Asleep at the same time. Dreaming their own dreams. It had been a nice break, refreshing really, to go back to his own random dreams while they were closer geographically. In the end though, as he got on a plane in L.A., he was grateful to be able to dream of her as he flew.
Just a few more days until he could get home, sleep in his own bed and try not to think about what it would be like when Sam was only minutes instead of many hours away. It wouldn’t be any different, really. They would text their warnings, maybe still talk each week, though those calls were harder to maintain in the midst of touring. Maybe every couple of months they could get a bite to eat somewhere. Without cameras. Or people.
The logistical nightmare of trying to have friends while being an idol was nothing new to Taehyung, but it was different now. Sam was a girl. Sam was American. The press would rip him apart if they thought he was dating anyone, but the carnage would be much worse if he were dating a foreigner. Not that he was planning on dating her. Because that wasn’t something he could do with his schedule and he really wanted to focus on music and his members and his family. Besides, even if he were able he wasn’t sure she was willing. Or that he really was either for that matter. She was pretty and familiar and that was comforting and nice but he didn’t feel sparks and butterflies when she was near so it was totally different. It was different and that was wonderful because if it weren’t, everything would be so much harder. And more difficult.
---
Samantha stood with a broom in her hand, staring at her empty apartment. It looked so small now. How had she fit her whole life in here for so long? How had she thought that Matthew would fit in here, too? She was leaving so many memories behind, in all the cracks in the floor and walls. Some of them were good, though even the good ones were still tinged with sadness these days. Less than before, when even the best memories were covered with a film of rage and regret. Her mom came up behind her and rested a hand on Samantha’s shoulder.
“We’re all loaded up in the car. Let’s make this last trip to the storage unit and go get some food, alright?”
Samantha nodded. There really wasn’t anything left for her here. Even the dust and cobwebs were gone, thanks to hours of cleaning. Bare walls and floors made all of this feel much more real all of a sudden. Her whole life was going to be turned upside down. She wondered again if she was making a mistake, if she was doing the right thing, if she was completely out of her mind. “Mom, I’m not…it’s... You’re alright with this, right?”
Her mom shook her head. “I don’t like it much. It worries me a little.”
“Seoul is safer than Chicago, Mom. And I won’t be living alone.” Samantha opened the door and waved her mother through, shutting it behind them. Her mother loved a good worry but usually talked herself out of any real panic.
“No, darling, that’s not it. I’m just worried that you’re not making progress,” she said as she walked down the hallway. “It feels like you’re moving backwards, not forwards, but it is your life, darling. You’ve got the bases covered--a place to sleep and a way to pay the bills. The rest you’ll figure out. If you don’t, you can always come back.” She smiled and Sam wrapped her arm around her mom’s dainty shoulders.
“It’s like a fresh start though, just somewhere a little familiar. I need to get out of here, move on, right?”
“Well I didn’t think that moving on meant actually moving, but you’ve got your mind made up and I’ve known you long enough to know you won’t be changing it anytime soon.”
“You’ve known me my whole life, Mom,” Samantha said with a smile, the familiar joke easing some of the tension.
“So, where do you want your last meal to be?”
“I’m moving, not dying, Mom!”
“You’re moving to the other side of the planet. Let me have my melodrama.” She nudged Samantha with her shoulder. Samantha wanted to enjoy these last few days with her family, cram as many memories as she could in.
“Thanks for coming up here and helping with all this, Mom.”
“Of course. We’ve been meaning to make it up here for a while. I’m just sorry that we’re only here to help you leave.”
“Well, I don’t fly out until Tuesday, so let’s get this done, get some food, maybe make a trip to the post office to mail the big boxes and then call it a day.”
“You really want to do this, don’t you?” Hands on her hips, head cocked to the side, it was one of the few times that Samantha really saw the resemblance between them. Samantha knew she stood the exact same way when she was thinking too hard and trying not to blurt out everything.
“I do, Mom. I think it’s going to be really good. Mr. Choi likes me and Hyemi says he’s a fair and decent man. His wife is really sweet and the boys are a handful, so I’ll have plenty to keep me busy.”
“Just don’t forget to call once in awhile, alright?”
---
“Truth or dare?”
“What? How are we going to play Truth or Dare over the phone, Taehyung?”
“Just answer the question.”
“Fine. Dare.”
“You’re ridiculous. Alright, go put on every pair of socks you own. All of them.”
“Sure I will.”
“Send me a picture to prove it.”
“And while I’m doing that?”
“You ask me the question.”
“Okay. Truth or dare, Taehyung?”
“Truth.”
“Of course. So, um… who is your favorite member?”
“I don’t have favorites, of course, but, uh, Jimin.”
“Really? Not Jungkookie?”
“Yeah, Jimin is… he’s my best friend. I chose him. Jungkook is like my brother. We’re different but the same, like he was always going to be my friend, no matter what, but Jimin… I picked him to be my best friend and he picked me and that’s special.”
“I can’t fit all these socks on my feet.”
“Then put some on your hands, too.”
“I’m switching to speakerphone then.”
“Well, since you’re taking too long, you’ll have to do a truth.”
“Truth, then.”
“Have you ever dreamed any...uh… embarrassing alone times?”
“Like shower stuff? You know I have.”
“No, Sam, not just shower stuff, but other… you know… lower... area... things.”
“Uh… oh. Oh! Um… well… no, not, you know, not a lot.”
“But you have!”
“Yes. And now I can’t take a picture because my hands are covered in socks. But I did it, so it’s your turn again. Truth or dare?”
“Nice way to change the subject. Truth.”
“Are you… are you sad that all this happened to you? This dream stuff?”
“No way. It’s fascinating. I know so much more about being a girl now. Some stuff I seriously never wanted to know, but it’s still really cool. But, uh, Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Why didn’t you ask me if I’d ever dreamed of your… alone times?”
“Because I already know the answer.”
“How can you know?”
“You can’t dream me doing something I don’t do.”
“Oh come on, girls do it too!”
“Yeah, I’m not saying they don’t. Girls do it. Boys do it. Lots of people do it. But not everyone does it.”
“...Really?”
“Really.”
“But you were going to get married!”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean--we never--not everyone is all up in each other’s businesses like that all the time. ”
“...Never?”
“No. I, uh… never really felt the need to.”
“Huh, what’s that like?”
“Normal. For me, at least.”
“Right. Sorry.”
“It’s okay, but I’m taking these socks off now.”
“Good idea.”