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Lord, I’m Comin’ Home To You by Hazel_Athena for Northisnotup
Fandoms: One Piece (Anime & Manga)
01 Jan 2024
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Summary
It’s an open secret among the crew that there’s a higher level of animosity than average between Zoro and Sanji. They argue all the time, with things often devolving into physical scuffles where swords and feet come into play, and the amount of property damage they’ve left in their wake is frankly absurd.
Still, it’s a surprise to everyone when, in the aftermath of Thriller Bark, the first thing Sanji does upon Zoro regaining consciousness is stalk up to the swordsman, grab him by the collar, and scream the words, “That’s enough of this! I want a divorce, you stupid bastard!” directly in his face.
The rest of the crew, having gathered upon hearing Chopper’s announcement that their injured member appeared to be waking up, stare at them in varying levels of confusion. For several moments no one says a word, until the silence is finally broken by the sound of Usopp clearing his throat.
“Um, what?” The sniper asks weakly.
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Ch1
“Not that I didn’t know what he’d been up to, of course.” Sanji says icily, glaring at Zoro across the table as he brings the whole, sordid tale to an end. “The damned moron was in the newspapers every other week for killing increasingly terrible bounties, but not once did he ever bother to pick up a snail and call. Eventually, I got tired of waiting, and decided we were done. I’ve been trying to get him to give me a divorce since the day I first boarded the Merry.”
“A divorce.” Usopp repeats, his eyebrows raised high and his voice pitched even higher still. “A divorce because you’re married. You’re married to Zoro, from whom you want a divorce.”
“Do you just like saying that word?” Sanji demands waspishly. “It’s not that complicated, Longnose. I, caught up in the fervor of youth, made a terrible mistake a year and a half ago, and I’ve been trying to fix it ever since. Only this asshole won’t let me .”
-“Our navigator is correct,” Robin confirms. Although it’s notable that for once she looks more wary of stirring the pot than she does actively amused by it. “A Petition for Divorce only requires one of the two parties to file it. Zoro’s willingness to go along with such a plan, while helpful, wouldn’t be necessary.”
“ Technically , you are correct, my darling.” Sanji replies with a nod and a heavy drag from one of the many cigarettes he’s made his way through while telling his story. “ Practically speaking , however, is another thing entirely.”
“Most islands have some variation of what they call an ‘ordinary residence clause’.” He explains, flashing an annoyed set of air quotes as the words leave his mouth. “You need to have lived on the specific island for a set amount of time, usually a year, before a divorce can be granted. Thanks to how we’re rarely in the same place for more than a week, that’s an issue.”
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“I still don’t see how that stops you from filing on your own under those circumstances.” Nami says.
“Contested petitions take time,” Sanji replies tiredly. “Months, if not years, and that puts me right back in my previous position. We don’t stay on islands long enough for that. Even in a place without a residence requirement, the only way I’m getting this done while we’re sailing is with a joint application.”
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Grasshead, tell everyone why you keep refusing to sign the papers.”“Eh.” Zoro shrugs as all eyes in the galley shift to him, seemingly indifferent to the way the movement pulls at the swath of bandages he’s still bundled in after their departure from Thriller Bark. “Don’t feel like it.”
“Ladies and gentlemen,” Sanji drawls in the ensuing silence. “My husband.”
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“Luffy knows .” Sanji growls with enough force that Franky, who’s sitting next to him, surreptitiously tries to lean away. “He’s proven … less than helpful.”“Sanji asked me to divorce them because I’m the captain,” Luffy says from his spot at the head of the table. “But I think that sounds dumb, so I said no.”
“Of course you did.” Nami sighs, and it’s likely a credit to the insanity that is Monkey D. Luffy that she doesn’t question this further.
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The secret’s out of the bag, he thinks as he stacks discarded dishes together and carries them over to the sink. In a sense the discussion had gone better than he’d anticipated, but in the end no one had suggested a different track to getting him the divorce he’s after, so it looks like he’s right back where he’d started from.-
“It’s not funny,” he says sullenly. “That green moron is doing this purely to fuck with me at this point, I’m sure of it. He’s got no interest in staying married to me either.”- “It’s funny, I never thought anything of it the day we arrived at the Baratie - mainly because I was too worried about your old man murdering Luffy in cold blood and then turning on the rest of us - but looking back on it, I remember Zoro being pretty excited when we landed there.”
“Bullshit,” Sanji says without bothering to turn around. “And even if you’re telling the truth for once, I’m sure it was only because of the food. God knows none of you would have had a decent meal while you were sailing without a cook.”
“Plus,” he adds as another thought occurs to him. “Wasn’t Mihawk rumored to already be at the Baratie when you guys started sailing towards her? If so, the odds are better that he was excited about that , not about seeing me again.”
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“I mean, I guess you’d know better than me,” Usopp says slowly. “But that honestly doesn’t sound like something Zoro would do. Mind games like that aren’t really his style. Normally when he wants to mess with you, he just insults you and eggs you into a fight.”“Oh?” Sanji says. “Then what, pray tell, is your theory, Longnose?”
“Maybe he just wants to stay married to you.”
“ Hah !” Sanji says, and stabs viciously as his pan.
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