Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He watches as the blue room lights up with sparks. 

The circular saw tearing through the door manages to heat up the walk-in as he stays against the shelves, just far enough so that the sparks merely touch his boots. 

Although it was muffled by the room, Carmy could hear as people eventually left. He still feels as if he is 10 feet underwater when the door opens and reveals the maintenance guy, Fak, Sugar, and, of course, Sydney. He blinks slowly as his eyes adjust to the brightness of the kitchen and winces when Fak extends his hand out for Carmy to get up. Fak's fingers feel too warm against his, the way it would feel back in New York whenever Carmy would touch anyone and his extremities would be too cold, when he would be too tired, too hungry, or too faint. When Carmy speaks, he thinks his voice might as well be sounding through snow, soft and muted as he apologizes to the ones that have stayed. 

“I'm really sorry about tonight.” 

He thinks his apology might feel as empty as he has felt himself ever since the walk-in shut closed behind him.

He watches as Fak tells them he will be heading out, as he says something about his brother and hugs Sugar and Sydney. While his friend engulfs him in his arms, Carmy asks.

“Was, hum, was table 50 served well?” 

Fak gives a step back, hand still on Carmy's shoulder. “Of course, cousin!” He can see a question show up in his sister's face behind Fak, who gives him a pat on the back before eventually leaving. Sugar steps closer to him before speaking.

“Why do you ask, Bear?”

Carmy looks at her, a puzzled expression still on her face. “Hum?”

“Why table 50?”

“Uh..” His hands feel so cold. His tongue feels as if it has been numbed. “Hum, it was- it was one of my old bosses.”

Sugar looks back at Syd, who has been supporting herself against the sauté station ever since he walked out of the walk-in, her arms crossed across her body. “What do you mean?” He can't see the expression of worry on his sister's face, but he can see Syd's response, uncrossing her arms while she meets his eyes with a question. Sugar looks back at him as she continues. “That table was a friend of mine, Bear.”

He is so cold. Carmy feels the stale taste of family meal, a sensation that only reminds him more of New York. His eyes go back and forth between Sugar and Syd and if they say anything, he can't really hear through the sound of water rushing out of the tap.

“I… Uh, I- I have to check something in the office.” He heads towards his office, Syd's hand brushing his arm once he passes through her. “Goodnight chef, Sug.”

He doesn't wait to hear their response, closing the door behind his back.

A deep breath.

The air doesn't quite reach his lungs.

***

To say that she and Syd would stay would be an understatement when they exchange a quick look as Carmy heads to the office. Natalie sighs as she heads to the front table, gathering all of the notes passed during the night so that she and Syd can go through them. 

She hadn't seen her brother react to anything like this night for a long time, the same ashen tone to his face priorly reserved to the first time she had seen Carmy after Mikey's death. Natalie sets the papers on top of the station once she is beside Sydney.

“Let's see what we will need to work on.”

The minutes pass as they flip each new note and comment on the service. Despite their low tone, they can barely hear Carmy speaking inside the office, some sort of exchange going on behind the door. A silence stretches for a few seconds, maybe some minutes, that's until a choke resonates through the door. Nat looks over to Sydney, who seems just as confused as she herself feels but also not exactly surprised. Then a second choke comes and they rush to the office.

Sydney gets there first, calling Carmy as she knocks on the door. They don't get an answer, but now closer to the office, Natalie can clearly tell her brother is in distress, so she doesn't give him the courtesy of waiting like Syd. As they enter, she can hear Carmy speak. 

“I thought he was there.”

Carmy is talking to someone, a hand clinging to his phone and the other one hiding his face. “What is going on, Bear?” Nat doesn't need to see through it to know he is crying, but she still asks.

Carmy doesn't answer. He can't speak, not when his sister kneels in front of him and holds his hand. “What is going on?” He sobs instead.

Natalie reaches for the phone. It reads ‘Luca’.

“Hello? Luca? It's Nat- uh, Sugar, Carmy's sister.”

“I know.” A sigh comes from the other side of the line. “Could you please put it on speaker? You can help us out on all of this.”

“Yeah, sure.” 

Nat presses the button before letting Carmy and Syd know it's on speaker. 

“Carm, please, I don't understand, he was there?” Luca's voice resonates through the tiny office. Nat watches her brother's hand shake, still hiding himself from her. Sydney is still at the door, a worried look as she watches Nat hold the phone and her brother's hand. “He went there?"

"No.” The answer comes out with a choke. Carmy's hand goes from his face to his hair as he says. "I thought he was here, I- I saw him here and he wasn't." 

He doesn't look at Nat or Sydney, his gaze stays on the floor as his sister watches the tears fall down his face. He fidgets as he gathers the courage to voice out his thoughts, a loathing to his voice when he finally manages to speak. 

"All these fucking years I have been trying to convince myself it's not my fault, but what if I wanted him here?” A dragging through his words as if he doesn't really want to face what he is about to say. “What if I saw him here because I wanted it?"

An appalled sigh comes from the phone, Luca's presence feeling so real, that Nat can almost imagine him standing here with them. She wonders if that's what goes through Carmy's head when he starts staring somewhere behind Nat, eyes glazed but still weeping.

"That's not true, Chef, you know it. None of what that asshole did to you it's your fault… Damnit, I doubt you would ever want him there or anywhere within your reach, I know that I don't, I would only thump his bloody face off.”

Carmy shakes his head, hands meeting together over his knees. He sighs before taking a deep breath and Nat can't hold her concern anymore. She places her hand on his shoulder as she asks.

“Bear, who is he ? What did he do to you?”

She is met with silence. A deafening one. Carmy doesn't look at her, his tears don't stop, his shaking and his breathing get worse. He reaches for the phone just before he starts speaking.

"You know, Luca, she was- she was the first person I've been with since him… And now she is gone because he was right, I should be dead, I- I can't do anything right.”

An infinite dread washes over Natalie when her brother says that. She remembers Christmas night, begging Michael to listen to her. She can't lose another brother. 

"Bear, don't say that.”

When Carmy looks at her, his eyes are somehow empty and yet full of anguish, of self-hatred. He stops crying as he says.

"She's gone, Sugar, I fucked it all up, she's gone because I'm no fucking good.”

Syd interveins, maybe because she sees the tear rolling down Nat's cheek. She approaches the two siblings, crouching down just as Nat is in front of Carmy. Syd places her hand on the armrest of the chair, Carmy looks only at her for the first time since the walk in. He feels even more shame when he does so.

"Who's gone, Chef?"

"Claire…” It doesn't feel right talking about her with Syd and yet, all he finds is compassion in her eyes. He doesn't deserve Syd, but she deserves an explanation. “I- I was talking to Tina, or at least I thought I was, and I had been in that fucking walk in for ages, and I realized that I am no good… He was right.”

Carmy pretends he doesn't see his sister crying, her tears glistening despite her avoidance of his gaze. He pretends he doesn't still feel cold, like he would feel in New York, how he felt that night walking back from his apartment. Carmy pretends he doesn't feel a crippling shame when he keeps talking.

“I let you all down again and I should be dead, because, for one moment, I thought I deserved something good, that I could have something good for myself, but I fucked it up when I should have known. I let myself have Claire because I am a selfish piece of shit and I thought I could have her and be good at this, at this restaurant with you guys, but I am not and it would all have gone to shit now if it weren't for you all. And Claire heard.” Carmy can't hold in a sob, his tears resuming falling down his cheeks. “She heard it all, and she had voicemailed me earlier saying that she loved me, and I love her, I do, but I am no good."

Syd takes his hands between hers, making him look at her while she speaks. 

"Chef, that's not true, look at what we've done tonight.”

Nat can't help but notice the way Carmy's fingers caress Syd's hands, how he brings their hands to his chest, making circles with his closed hand around hers. "What you have done, Chef.” She looks at Syd and sees how she becomes teary-eyed as Carmy speaks. “I just couldn't call about a fucking door to be fixed."

Sydney sighs as she brings their hands to her forehead. “I forgive you, Carm. I know you'll be here now.”

With that, Carmy can't hold it anymore. He cries with no holding back as Sydney brings him into a hug. Nat can hear him still mumbling apologies onto Syd's neck, so she places her hand on his back, moving it in circles in an attempt to comfort him. 

They stay like this for a few minutes, Carmy's cries subsiding as he tightens his hold around Sydney. Luca, on the other side of the line, clears his throat before saying.

“Carm? Can you take it out of speaker, please?”

Carmy lets go of Syd as Sugar hands out the phone to him after pressing the speaker button. She holds his free hand as Syd places hers on his knee. He doesn't deserve their support, not really. Luca's voice rings through the phone.

“I think you should tell them, Carm.”

Luca is met with adamant disagreement, which only furthers the worry from Natalie and Sydney. Carmy sits back on the chair, setting distance between him and the two women.

“I- I can't… I- I don't know, Luca.”

Carmy is surprised to hear the emotion in Luca's voice when he speaks next.

“I don't want you to be alone with this, not after tonight.”

Carmy seems to ponder whether he should tell or not. He can hear his heartbeat accelerating in his ear, remembering how it felt on that night. However, he also remembers when Luca told him he was moving to Copenhagen, how his roommate cried and begged him to do something about him , how he told Carm he couldn't take this silence anymore, knowing his friend was suffering and couldn't do anything about it because Carm had made him promise he wouldn't tell. 

“Okay, uh, I’ll, hum, think about it, Luca.”

He looks at Sug and then back at Sydney, both of them looking at him in anticipation. Carmy isn't sure he actually hears sniffing from the other side of the line, but he can recognize when his friend's voice is emotionally charged.

“Either way, I will give you privacy. I'm sorry, but it's very late here and you are in good hands now. Please, Carm, let me know how you are doing tomorrow.”

Carmy just nods before realizing Luca wouldn't see it, so he lets him know he will. He lets out a deep breath as he hangs up the phone. Carmy looks at Sugar and then at Sydney before he starts talking.

“Back in Empire, I was working… I was working under this chef.” He looks up to the ceiling, trying to push down the memories of New York just enough for him to not become a crying mess again. “He was a perfectionist and, fuck, you could say he had a sharp tongue… He really didn't hold back his words.”

He focuses on the women in front of him, he focuses on not paying attention to his overwhelming presence standing behind Carmy as he worked, as he drank scotch like it was water, as he tried to sleep, as he tried to breathe or as he just tried to stop panicking. He focuses on finishing the story.

“At first, it was just words. Hum, at any given moment, he would tell me I wasn't good enough, that I was a screw-up and didn't deserve to work there. It-it escalated with the years.”

He can see Syd shake her head in disappointment, for a second he wonders if it's him she is disappointed at. She stands up and paces the tiny office. He knows it will only get worse now. Carmy stops looking at her at what comes next.

"He used to say that I should be dead… And sometimes, I would wish I was."

At that, Sug lets out a sob as she turns her face away from him. Carmy has to explain this, he can't let her like this, covering her mouth as she cries for him. 

"I would have done anything to please him, Sug, anything to get his approval, and he knew that. One night, he asked me to stay after service, said there was something important to discuss. He opened a wine bottle and well, I didn't realize that I was the only one drinking it... I wasn't passing out drunk, but I definitely wasn't sober either, so when he asked me to go with him to his apartment, I said... I said yes, Chef . His wife wasn't home. It was just him and me, and he opened another bottle. When I came to mind, I was already on his bed."

He focuses on Sugar, not because he can't see Syd also has tears in his eyes, but because his sister was the one to know that Carmy, the one who will be blaming herself for the foreseeable future because she didn't notice it. He grasps her hand, looking at her through teary eyes until she looks back at him. He brings his closed fist to his heart, circling in an I'm sorry .

"And it isn't like I could tell you, because I never could. And I'm so sorry, Sugar. I never told anyone I knew and I needed to call Luca on the other side of the fucking world because I couldn't tell anyone, because he had to pry it from me because he saw it, because he knew."

Carmy shakes his head in shame. He can feel tears running down his cheeks once again as he exclaims.

"And it took my brother fucking dying for me to leave him. Who the fuck does that? Who stays through that kind of shit show?”

Sugar shakes her head as she looks at him. Her heart aches for Carmy, for Mikey. How could she have not known? 

“It wasn't your fault, Bear, doesn't matter what he told you.”

He gets up, hands going through his face and his hair. How could it not be his fault? He went there willingly, if Carmy wasn't so fucking naive he would have known his intentions. He helps Sugar get up as he says.

“I-I need to go home.”

Sugar shakes her head before she speaks, holding her belly as she takes a deep breath, almost as if she is preparing herself for an argument.

“You shouldn't be alone right now.”

Carmy is already heading towards the door, standing beside Syd when he looks towards his sister before reassuring her.

“I will be fine, Sug.”

Nat scratches her head, still disputing her brother's stance.

“Bear, please, maybe you should come stay with me and Pete for the night.”

Carmy chuckles at that. It's not like he is going to put a bullet to his head on the way home, what he told them shouldn't change that. He makes sure to sound persistent as he speaks, he ain't gonna change his mind.

“I want to go to my apartment.”

“I'll go with you.”

Syd is looking at him when she says that, his arm brushing against hers when he turns to her.

“You don't need to, Syd.”

She passes her hand through her bandana, eyes cast low as if she can't let Carmy see the redness in them anymore. He can tell she feels nervous too.

“Hum, I would feel better about it if I did, and, uh, I'm sure Nat would as well, if you don't mind it, of course.”

“I don't.” He knows this is a battle he can't win, so as he makes his way back towards Sug, he tells Syd. “You can come.”

Carmy hugs his sister, Sugar holds him tighter. Once they close the restaurant, he and Syd walk Natalie to her car. Sugar stops beside the passenger side, her bag on the seat as she shuts the door and looks at Carmy before speaking.

“I'm proud of you for telling me this, Bear.” 

He is pretty sure she isn't actually proud of him telling her his boss used to fuck him, but he won't contest her. Once Sugar starts the car, he and Syd make their way to the metro station. As they walk through the cold streets, he actually feels grateful for his earlier decision to not take his car to work that day, exhaustion wearing him down with each new step, his hands still shaking from the past night.

As they wait on the platform, Sydney bites her lips before speaking.

“Uh, I kinda need to come over to my house, just to get some change of clothes for tomorrow.”

She gets an answer almost instantly. She can tell Carm hasn't thought it through when he says.

“If you want you can just borrow something of mine, I've got some of The Beef shirts still.”

The wind of the passing train blows her braids towards his shoulders. Carmy pretends he can't feel them. Sydney pretends she can't see his reaction.

“Oh, okay, uh, cool.”

There are only two seats available once they board their carriage. Sydney sits facing him throughout the stations to his home. He looks back at her, an occasional deviation of his gaze, not because the stare got too intense or anything like that, but when someone brushes against him or when the speaker sound resonates through the carriage.

Carmy doesn't need to let her know when they are getting off, she remembers it. They stand side by side, arms brushing, waiting for the automatic door to open.

They are silent throughout the way home. Once they get to his apartment, Carmy places his hand on her waist as she passes through him in the doorway.

His place is still organized as it ever was, an occasional cigarette butt where it shouldn't be. Sydney pretends she doesn't notice the blanket and the pillow already on the couch, even though they have just got here. Carmy is the first one to say anything.

“So, don't worry, I can take the couch.”

It's not as if he doesn't already sleep there most nights when he is alone. Sydney shakes her head adamantly.

“Nah, man, it's your place, I can sleep here.”

Now, his mother might not have been the best, but he was raised to be a gentleman. There is no way Sydney is going to be sleeping on the couch, that doesn't mean he doesn't know how stubborn she is though. So he proposes a compromise.

“If you don't mind, the bed is big enough for the two of us.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I wouldn't mind it if you don't.”

They don't go to sleep straight away. 

Once they get to his room, Carmy goes through his drawers, handing Sydney something to wear after she showers. He gives Syd her privacy, going back to the living room once she enters the bathroom. If a few more tears come when his breath falters it's between him and this silent room.

Carmy tells her to get comfortable, that he will just shower before they can go to sleep. When she gets under the blanket, Syd doesn't know she is wearing his favourite t-shirt. He pretends that seeing her in his clothes does nothing to him.

His shower is relatively quick, as quick as it can be when you're trying to scrub away memories of your past from your skin.

When he gets back to the room, Syd is going through her social media, an occasional laugh caused by the videos she is watching. They sit with their backs to the wall. Once in a while, she shows him some recipe she finds an element to be interesting or a funny video that reminds her of their team. 

For some time, they stay silent. That's until Carmy brings it up, fidgeting over his lap while he avoids looking at her.

“I didn't tell you everything, I couldn't say this in front of her.”

Carmy could let this go without telling her, but he wants a fresh start. She already knows most of it, so it doesn't really matter if he tells her the rest. He can tell he has Sydney's full attention, her phone now on the nightstand. He can feel her looking at him. It really doesn't feel bad.

“After it happened the first time, I bought a bottle of scotch on the way home. Got myself even more drunk than he had left me. When I got home, I had a panic attack and I- I took Valium to make it stop. And it wouldn't… not quick enough, so I took more.” Sydney tries not to get caught up on the first time . She tries not to get caught up on the idea that maybe the two of them would never meet, that she would have had to live a life without Carm. “Luca found me in the bathroom and took me to the hospital, that's when I told him.”

Syd reaches for his hands. Carmy looks at her and despite it being the first time he has ever said any of this out loud to someone, he doesn't feel scared or ashamed.

“Why are you telling me this now?”

“‘Cause it's not fair!” He doesn't mean to raise his voice, but he can see she knows that. Still, the next thing he says is almost a whisper, afraid that someone else might hear it. “It's not fair that I have to live with this and he gets to keep going, to keep his fucking restaurant and his prestige.”

Syd nods, caressing his hands with a gentleness he hasn't ever been afforded. “It isn't, Carm.” She gives it a pause, Carmy can't stop looking at her. “You said you went to the hospital, right?”

He doesn't remember actually going to the hospital, he just remembers waking up and Luca beside his bed, asking Carmy questions he didn't really want to answer but he had to because apparently he had said something to one of the nurses while he was out. He remembers the next hours in the hospital so he answers Syd.

“Yeah.”

Syd reconsiders her next question, wondering if she will be crossing a line, so she lets him decide instead.

“You can tell me to fuck off if I cross a line.”

Carmy smiles at that, a time he hadn't fucked up yet coming back to his mind. Just him and Syd testing recipes in his apartment, no walk-ins or failures, no HR nightmares from the past.

“You know I wouldn't really do that.”

Syd briefly sucks in before asking him, holding his hands a little tighter in an attempt to comfort.

“Did you get the exam done? That one when people are assaulted.”

Carmy lets out a sharp breath, he nods. 

“Luca asked me to do it. I even had to talk to some detectives, I, hum, but I said I didn't want to come forward.”

He remembers a kind nurse, a small doctor that led him into this private room. He remembers tearing up when an Italian and a blonde detective came to ask him questions, some special unit he had never heard of before. Carmy remembers being adamant about not pressing charges, even when those detectives came to follow up. Syd doesn't know all of that, he doubts he will ever tell her, so she asks.

“You still can though, right? I don't think there is like a time limit to this kind of thing.”

He looks back at her. How can he tell her he can't risk that? He can't risk her dream over this, he is not that selfish.

“I don't know, maybe, but I- I can't do that, Syd, it would ruin our opening.”

“It doesn't matter, Carm.” Syd looks serious as she answers. She doesn't seem to need to take any time to think about this, she doesn't think she needs to. “If you want to go after him, we'll back you up.”

He stays silent after that. Carmy looks at their hands, still together over the almost negative space between him and Syd. He doesn't know what he did to deserve her and his voice is welled up when he says.

“I'm glad you came over, Syd.”

She smiles back at him.

“Don't worry about it, Carm.”

If when they wake up in the morning, Syd is lying in his chest and he has just had the best sleep of his life, it stays between the two of them. 

Chapter Text

He places the scotch bottle on the counter. 

“That will be 37 dollars.”

Carmy slides a 50 dollar bill across the counter as he grabs the bottle and steps back. The cashier has to remind him to take his change and Carmy slurs a ‘thank you’ back to him.

Once outside the liquor shop, he unscrews the bottle, his hiccupying getting in the way of taking a sip without letting any of it make it to his shirt.

He makes his way back to his apartment. Each new gulp of the scotch making a little bit harder to take the next step. When he enters the building, the elevator is out of order, because of course it fucking breaks down today out of all days. For a second, he is glad the apartment he and Luca managed to get was only on the second floor, but that's gone once he actually starts going up the stairs. 

Carmy has to stop every few steps and lean against the wall to take a breath because everything is spinning and he might as well vomit all over the stairs or because it hurts too much to keep going as he wasn't sure he was even going to manage to walk not more than 30 minutes ago or because he just needs one more gulp of alcohol before he keeps going.

He practically tumbles through the doorway, kicking his shoes off in the tiny hallway as he tries to put his keys onto the hanger and fails about three times before getting it right.

Carmy can hear Luca watching something in his room as he makes his way to the bathroom. He settles his bottle on the sink and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He is wrecked, bloodshot eyes, his hair is even more of a mess than it usually is, there are reminiscent tear tracks across his cheeks.

He tries to take a deep breath or else he might as well puke his guts out. His skin itches, in a way it has never done before. Carmy turns to the bathtub, running the tap before he goes back to the bottle and settles down on the floor.

The tears come back before he can do something about it. He tries to keep it quiet. When a sob comes, he covers his mouth and suddenly, he can't breathe. He can't breathe and the hands he feels on his skin aren't really there anymore. Carmy scratches where he can feel his touch, where he can feel his heavy breathing, his grunts, his lips. There is blood under his nails.

He looks over to the tub, which is barely filling up with the shitty water pressure they have. Carmy tries to get up and stumble back to the sink. He goes over their cabinet, looking for the prescription he had gotten a few weeks before. His shrink said to take it every day for his anxiety, but he didn't listen, he never does, and now he might as well be dying, no air getting to his lungs and blood on his hands, so he washes the goddamn pill down with his scotch.

He holds onto the sink edges, trying to do the breathing exercise the shrink showed him. Carmy feels his lunch coming back on his throat, so he also tries to fucking focus on not throwing up. The stale taste in the back of his throat only makes it harder to inhale, so he takes another pill. 

And another. 

He sees the tub is half full, just like his bottle, so before sitting down, he takes a last pill. Just to be sure. 

For his next inhale and exhale, he closes his eyes.

He doesn't remember to open them again.

***

Luca had heard Carmy coming in a few episodes back. He had heard the tap opening on the transition before the last episode of the show he has been addicted to for the past month. Now, almost an hour past, the season is over and the tap is still running. Carmen is going to pay this month's water bill all by himself, he swears to himself as he makes out of his room.

“Hey mate, what are you doing in there?”

As he approaches the bathroom door, his feet touch water, sipping from under the door.

“What the fuck?” He notices the door isn't really closed, but he still knocks as he says. “Carmen, what is going on?”

No answer. Nothing comes back from the other side of the door besides the running tap. 

Luca opens the door only to find Carmy sitting on the edge of the tub, a whiskey bottle in hand, his Valium on the sink counter, there is vomit on the toilet bowl.

He rushes to his roommate, closing the running tap behind him as he kneels on the wet floor. He places his hands on Carmen's shoulders as he asks, a tone of desperation in his voice.

“Man, what have you done? What have you done?” 

Carmy still doesn't answer, but once Luca shakes him, he opens his eyes sluggishly, a grunt when Lucas shakes him again and asks.

“How many did you take, Carmen?”

He still doesn't get an answer, so instead of waiting, he gets his hands around Carmy's arms, holsting him up and waking him more as he says.

“I'm taking you to the hospital.”

This time, he is met with mumbled protests, but he is brunt on his answer.

“No discussion, Carmen.”

On the way to the door, he grabs his phone and struggles to call a cab, telling the operator it's an emergency. Once on the corridor, he guides Carmy down to the floor and as he waits for the elevator, he remembers the goddamn ‘out of order’ note on the first floor. 

“Damnit!” He takes a deep breath, Carmy still on the floor. For the first time that night, but far from the last, Luca feels tears prickling his eyes. He starts screaming in the corridor. “Help! Somebody help me!”

It takes some time for someone to get out of an apartment, but one of their neighbors finally shows up at his door. Luca can see his wife behind him. His voice chokes when he points to Carmy.

“I need help getting him down the stairs, please.”

The man instantly nods, coming to help Luca carry Carmy down the stairs. When they get outside, the cab is already waiting. Luca lets the guy know his appreciation, who in return asks Luca to let him know how Carmen is doing later.

In the cab, Luca rides in the back with Carmy, who drifts in and out during the ride. During one of his conscious times, he mumbles out.

“‘m sorry.”

Luca can't hold in his tears anymore.

“Don't die on me, Berzatto.”

“Won't.”

And he is out for good until they get to the ER. A doctor sees Luca and the cab driver get Carmy out of the car and calls out his team. When they start pushing Carmy out in a gurney, one of them asks Luca what happened. 

“He is my roommate, I- I think he mixed Valium with alcohol, he has been drifting on and off for about half an hour. Please tell me he will be okay.”

“We will try our best.” The young doctor nods at him as she guides him inside. “You can wait here, we will come back with more information about how he is doing.”

When they come back to ask him for Carmy's information or if he has any family in the city, Luca has tearful eyes and a racing heart. He is honest when he tells them he doesn't know, that Carmy never mentioned anyone outside Chicago. Then, they decide to fill him up on what has been happening. His blood alcohol levels were extreme and they have found traces of GHB as well. GHB? Isn't that the… Holy shit. They have pumped Carmy's stomach, that he is asking for Luca, and he will be headed to a room soon. One of the doctors asks Luca if anything out of the ordinary had happened today, if he had noticed anything weird about Carmy out of this situation. He tells Luca that Carmy made an allegation before he went out and they will need to check up on that. Luca feels guilty as they guide him to Carmy's room, wondering again if he should have noticed he wasn't well before this happened. 

When they get to the room, Carmy is passed out, laying in the hospital gown, ashen as a ghost. The doctors give them privacy, asking Luca to let them know when Carmy wakes up.

Luca hadn't noticed early, probably because of adrenaline, but now as he waits for Carmen to wake up, he sees the purpleing bruises on his wrists. He can't help but gasp when he realizes what they remind him of. Handprints. They look a lot like handprints. Just the possibilities for what might have happened the night before are enough to bring tears to his eyes. 

The hours pass by slowly, Carmen sleeping soundly as Luca waits in the chair beside his bed. Luca allows himself to drift off a little bit when the sun starts coming up. 

When he wakes up, he sees that Carmen is looking over the window, fidgeting with his hands while he takes deep breaths. Luca gets up, his eyes meet with Carmen’s and he heads towards the bed as he says.

“How are you?”

Carmy turns his gaze back to the window as he answers.

“I’m fine.”

Luca lets out a sigh as he passes his hand through his face. He goes back to the chair, but brings it closer to the bed. 

“You really scared me, man.”

Carmy still keeps his gaze on the window, but Luca can see how his eyes fill up with tears before he says.

“I’m sorry about that.”

Luca thinks twice before asking, not really sure if he would be crossing a boundary with it, but, in the end, he asks anyway. 

“What happened?”

Carmy shakes his head and keeps his silence. Luca keeps speaking.

“The doctor said you told them something, that they would have to check up on it once you woke up.”

Carmy nods. His lips tremble when he takes a deep breath, preparing himself to speak.

“They had to, hum, cut my clothes off and I- hum, I freaked out, I, uh, I begged them not to. The nurse that came here shortly before you woke up, she said they saw some bruises on me and given my reaction, they tried to calm me down. She said I told her something.”

“What happened last night, Carm? You can tell me.”

Carmy can feel his heart racing, tears welling up his eyes. At first, he deflects, shakes his head and looks up to the ceiling. He starts bringing his hand to his hair, but is surprised with the bruises on his wrists. He hadn't noticed them before and given what the nurse told him, he is probably purple and bruised all around. He is speaking before he can hold himself.

“He got me drunk and… and he invited me back to his house.” He wasn’t looking at Luca until now. “I-I think he- I didn't want it, I-I don't think I did.” 

Luca reaches out to hold his hand. 

“What do you mean?”

Carmy looks at him, a single tear goes down his face. 

“I slept with Chef.” 

There is a slight change in Luca's expression, anger showing through his eyes. Luca asks even though he knows the answer.

“But you didn't want it?” 

Carmy hides behind his hands, but Luca can still hear his answer. “I don't know.” 

“And is that why you tried to off yourself yesterday?” 

Luca is harsher than he intends to, Carmy flinching under his raised voice. 

“I didn't do that… I didn't mean to.” 

Carmy watches as Luca gets up and goes towards the door. He seems to be looking for someone, but in his insecurity and fear to be alone, Carmy asks. 

“Are you leaving?” 

“No.” A simple and short answer. Carmy needs more.

“Then what are you doing?” 

Luca still doesn’t look at him. He stays in the door, his hands gripping the door frame so hard his fingers turn white.

“I'm looking for a nurse.” 

Carmy can feel his anxiety spiking, the heart monitor going faster doesn’t help.

“Why?” 

Luca doesn't look at him to answer.

“You need to have a kit done.” 

On the door, Luca sees a nurse and signals for her to come to the room. Behind him, Carmy asks. “A kit?” 

“A rape kit.” 

The nurse gets there just as Luca says it, Carmy can feel his heart beating through his chest as he exclaims.

“I don't need that, I wasn't- Luca, I won't do it.” 

Luca marches towards the bed. Carmy can see he is angry, the way his mom would often be, the way Chef is when they are alone. Luca clings to Carmy's hand, both of their eyes full of tears. The nurse stays in the door silently when Luca begs.

“I can't do this anymore, Carmen! I can't just see what he is doing to you and do nothing… He raped you.” 

Carmy flinches at the word, even if his body knows it too well. He grasps onto an explanation.

“I- I don't know, I don't know if he did, I- I might have wanted it.” 

Carmen will never forget the pity he saw in Luca’s eyes as he said that. He is glad the nurse intervenes. 

“Even if you aren't sure, you can have the exam done to gather possible evidence.” 

Another lonely tear runs through his cheek when he looks in Luca’s eyes, who squeezes his hand as Carmy says. 

“I don't want to go against him.” 

Carmy watches tears run through Luca's cheeks as he speaks up. He can see rage behind his friend's eyes, but for the first time in his life, Carmy doesn't think they are directed towards him.

“I can't just watch this anymore, Carm, please… You don't have to tell anything if you don't want to, but at least have the kit done, please, Carmen.”

He nods as he looks at Luca then at the nurse who says.

“I will let the doctor know, okay?” He nods again and she speaks once she gets to the door. “I will be back once we are ready to do it.”

As she leaves, Luca sits back down onto the chair beside his bed. He keeps Carmy's hand on his as he tries to keep more tears from coming. Carmy watches his slow breaths in an attempt to match his own, the heart monitor slowly coming back to a calmer reading. He closes his eyes and rests his head on the pillow once he doesn't feel his heart racing anymore.

There's a knock on the door. 

Him and Luca turn their attention to the entrance where a blonde man and woman in suits await. He notices their badges before any of them speak. 

“Hello, Mr. Berzatto, right?” He nods once again. The pair comes in calmly as the woman says. “I am Detective Rollins from SVU and this is my partner, Detective Carisi.”

Carmy sits up anxiously, letting go of Luca's hand in the process. “Just Carmen.” It's all he says at first. It's the man, Detective Carisi, that speaks this time around, much more softly than Carm would expect from an Italian American man.

“How are you feeling, Carmen?” He shrugs. “We've been told something might have happened to you yesterday, would you mind telling us about it?”

“Do I have a choice?” It's a genuine question.

“Of course. You don't have to tell us anything if you don't want to, but in my experience, people usually feel better when they do.”

Carmy doubts anything could make him feel any better at this point. Almost as if he is being saved by the bell, the nurse comes back and lets them know he can have the exam done. Carmy doesn't really look back on the room once he leaves it.

He is taken into a small room by the kind nurse. They meet a female doctor inside. He is asked to sit down on the awkward chair in the middle of the room. Carmy fiddles with his hand as they go through a never ending list of questions. As they walk him through the night before, his voice might be answering but his mind remembers the garden in Noma, the marigolds and elderflower, harvesting the peas and radishes at sunrise. His steps are carefully laid so as to leave the biggest piece of last night lost.

“We can stop at any point.”

He doesn't stop it. He doesn't stop the tears as they take the pictures of his body, a brief glance of the bruises in his hips. They go through each one of the marks across his skin, a dance between the samples and the flashes of the camera. The skin beneath his nails burns once they scrape it. They ask him to sit down once again. The nurse offers her hand to him as the doctor drapes a sheet across his waist. Carmy's eyes fixate onto a poster on the wall, something about psychological help, there is a pattern in it that reminds him of the wallpaper in the boat back in Copenhagen. He can feel the tears running across his cheeks.

The nurse combs through his hair, a gentleness to the final procedure. He gulps before asking.

“Could I have some water now?”

“Of course, love.” 

She puts the brush inside the last plastic ziplock before reaching for a pitcher filled with water. She brings him a plastic cup and waits for him to drink before saying.

“I will call the officers in as well, alright?”

He nods and watches her leave the room. The quiet might as well devour him, the white and blues all around him seem to melt together as he focuses on his breath. 

A vivid shade of maroon comes into vision, the blood taking over his nails under his picking. It sends a shiver through him, a shade so alike to the memory he had just gone through with the doctor.

There is a knock to the door. The detective is the one to open it, asking if they can come in. Carmy nods. It's the Italian one that hands him a tissue box, nodding towards his bloody fingers which Carmy continues to pick at. He takes them, pressing the paper only to find some comfort in the pain of it. If he remembers correctly, Detective Rollins is the one to speak first.

“So, would you walk us through last night?”

He doesn't look up to answer. 

“I just had to do so with Dr. Simmons.”

Carmy can hear the gentleness in her words, but it doesn't make him feel any less small under their gaze.

“I know, Carmen, I know it's hard and you are probably very tired, but it is important you tell us too.” The breath that leaves his lips is shaky throughout. “We need your statement for charges.”

His answer comes simply. He told Luca he would have the kit done, that was it.

“I don't want to press charges.”

He knows what he wants. He wants to go home, he wants a shower. He wants to forget it, he wants last night to have never happened. He wants a new skin. He wants it to be gone. He wants the tears to stop. He wants Mikey. God, he wants Sug. He wants it gone. He wants to rephrase it when he sees the dispute about to leave the detective.

“I am not going to press charges.”

And God knows how stubborn he can be.