Archive of Our Own ^beta

The immediate aftermath of the particle accelerator explosion would forever be a blur in David's mind. There were some moments of clarity, things he'd never be able to forget. Watching Barry be carried out of the precinct in a stretcher would haunt him for the rest of his life. The terrible stillness in the hospital when Ellie Chyre clung to him as she was told her husband didn't make it. The terrible coffee at the makeshift command center while the building was being repaired. The sheer relief in his mother's voice when he finally got a moment to return her several missed calls, even though he knew she knew he was okay, because he'd been the one she'd seen on the news.

But he was so busy that he didn't have a moment to himself for almost two full weeks. Sure he got chased out of the precinct to eat and sleep. Grateful his sister Melody not only came up to check on him and stay with him for a few weeks, but she also convinced his mom to stay in Coast City and his sister Lara for being willing to be mom's distraction. 

But between work and helping Ellie plan Fred's funeral he didn't have time to process anything. He knew he was going beyond required when it came to Ellie, but she was basically family at this point. Fred had been one of his oldest and closest friends. The older man was a lot of things, brash, outspoken, but he'd also taken a young David under his wing. 

He'd been the first person on the force David had come out to, and Fred had barely seemed surprised and took it in stride, immediately declaring himself to be David's wingman and he'd find David the perfect guy, don't worry about that. He actually did introduce David to some pretty great guys over the years. And he'd do anything to help Ellie through her pain. And to keep his own mind off his own worries. 

They made it through Fred's funeral with her clenching David's hand and Joe on her other side. David then made it through the other funerals, his precinct had taken a lot of the brunt of damage, and he lost five officers, each one was a stab to his heart. Several more had been injured, though none quite as much as Allen. 

“How's Joe,” she asked a few days after the funeral. 

“Worried, he barely leaves the hospital, I've got him on the lightest duty I can, but until,” David said pausing as his own emotions overwhelmed him, “until Barry stays stable for more than a day, I don't know when he'll be able to focus on anything else.”

She smiled softly at him and squeezed his hand, “I'll stop by to see him tomorrow.”

“He'd like that I'm sure.” David said, “Harrison Wells has offered to take Barry to star labs, he told Joe he can help more than the hospital. Joe is considering it.”

“I hope someone can help Barry, he's such a nice man.”

“Yeah."

“And you?” 

“What?” 

“How are you holding up?” 

“I'm exhausted and can't remember the last time I got more than four hours of sleep.”

“Maybe when Barry is stable, you'll be able to process this better.”

“What's that mean?”

“Oh come on David, it's just me, you can admit you're worried about your favorite CSI.”

David groaned, he'd been trying not to think about it, but he'd lay awake more nights than not thinking about how irritated he'd been during their last interactions. How short and snippy he'd been, but he was nursing a wounded pride and hurt feelings so he fell back to his old defenses. 

Even though Joe had told him the day before the explosion that Barry hadn't taken advantage of him or his feelings. That Barry really didn't know. David wasn't sure he believed it. Not only because his traitorous heart had a flair of hope. He wasn't sure he could believe it.

Maybe Barry hadn't intended to take advantage of David, but David had allowed it to happen accidentally, if that was the case.

He was the one that went lenient on Barry, he overlooked the numerous late starts, the occasional times he left early, whisked away by Iris West. He overlooked them because Barry did do good work, he stayed later than he should most days and David was never concerned about Barry's work getting done. The timeliness of the work was a different story. Time was just weird around Barry Allen and David at this point expected it and almost accepted it. If it took Allen all week to finish his reports David didn't like it, but when he got them, they were complete, full of all the relevant (and sometimes irrelevant) information, there was always a concise summary to go with the longer report. And if David had to go to court with anyone's reports Allen's were as close to perfect as possible.

So he let Allen bend the rules and David shouldn't have been surprised when they broke. 

But he was.

And it was irrational. 

But he didn't care.

He just wanted it to stop hurting like it did. And maybe once Barry was awake, it would. 

“Now that Fred isn't here to torment me, you're picking up the cause?” he asked, pulling his mind back to the present. 

“Mmhm,” she smiled briefly, looking like her old self, eyes amused as she added, “it was in his will, and my dearest Ellie will continue to tease David Singh about his love life or lack thereof in my place.”

“I know you're making that up, but it wouldn't surprise me if he had.” 

“I know how you feel about him David, it's okay to be worried.”

“I am,” David said, “but I've also got to finally move on from it, from him, so not thinking about it is helping.”

“Why move on from love?”

David sighed deeply and shut his eyes, opening them he said, “because it's not mutual.”

“Oh honey,” Ellie said, squeezing his hand again. “Fred was so sure it was mutual.”

“Well it's not, and it's not like that was all that surprising,” David said with a tight smile,  “I'm not the sort that inspires great love, I'm a little too old and a little too grumpy for that, for him.”

“Oh please,” she shushed him, “Fred was old and grumpy when I met him, and we had a wonderful fifteen years, you could still find a great love, with your CSI or someone else.”

“You're probably right,” he sighed and then teasingly said, “you know you could have disagreed with the old and grumpy part.”

“I try not to lie.”

He finally left himself have the moment he needed to process his grief, for Fred, his officers, his city, he knew it would be a long road. Central City was irrevocably changed. 

Thanks to Ellie's prodding he did visit Allen in the hospital, the night before Joe had him moved. He sat there for almost an hour nearly silent because he didn't know what to say. 

The words in his heart were too big. Too scary. Too true. And almost impossible to say. So he didn't say all of them.

So he said, “it's not the same without you.”

And, “please wake up.”

And finally, “I miss you, I probably shouldn't, but I do.”

The words he didn't say, the ones that anyone who knew him could see as plain as the day, the ones his CSI would want to hear. Those words, the 'I love you', kept getting stuck in his throat.