Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

So, this is for incorrect quotes and if you want to ask the characters, send an ask to my tumblr: @porypuria (or leave a comment on this fic).

It is also for backstories (you'll understand more once i get chapter 9 done, i've hit some writer's block for it recently), and any scenes that i may leave out of Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time. such as going in depth for the concert outside of Central.

hopefully, this fic will update on fridays!

next chapter has some quotes from *before* The Experiment. so Chrysus, Porypurhia, Nyx, and Dev Ultima are all seperate people!

(Pyr only thinks that Porypurhia "died" due to the fact that when The Experiment happened, Porypurhia "disappeared" [she was kidnapped].)

Chapter Text

Grian: Where's the electric broom?
Chrysus: The what?
Xisuma, tired and used to Grian’s bullshit: He means vacuum.

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Xino: On a scale from “damn Daniel”to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you felling?
Helio: In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Grian?
Grian: Probably “road work ahead”.
Chrysus: I speak all languages, and this is none of them.

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Xino: *screams*
Helio: *screams louder to establish dominance*
Xisuma: Should we do something?
Chrysus: No, I want to see who wins. Grian, you are not allowed to join in.

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Porypurhia: So uhhh… my question is: my friend keeps on going into the pantry and grabbing handfuls of fettuccine… uncooked…
Chrysus: I would hope they're not grabbing handfuls of cooked fettuccine!
Pyr: In your pantry!
Porypurhia: Yeah… and eating them raw, and they keep calling them "chips". How do I make them stop?
Chrysus: Is your friend here?
Porypurhia, motioning to Nyx: Yeah, right there.
Pyr, to Nyx: You're a monster! Words MEAN things! >:(
Nyx: That's bold words for a Watcher.
Dev Ultima: Does anybody remember- I haven't been to Pasta and Pastry in many moons- but they DO have a like- fettuccine bottle that you can just- grab 'em out of and chew–
Dev Ultima: HOLD ON. WAS THIS A PRANK YOU GUYS PULLED ON ME WHEN WE WENT OUT TO PASTA AND PASTRY WHEN THE HUB WAS BEING BUILT?!
Dev Ultima: NO, STOP. EVERYBODY SHUT UP. DO THEY GIVE YOU RAW FETTUCCINE TO CHEW ON IN THE LOBBY OF THE PASTA AND PASTRY?
Everyone else: No.
Dev Ultima, to Chrysus and Pyr: YOU FUCKIN' BASTARDS
Chrysus: YAAAAAAAAY!
Pyr: THE PRESTIGE!

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Nyx: I just ended a four year relationship
Chrysus: Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?
Nyx: Hm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't my relationship.
*Ultima and Porypurhia fighting from across the room*

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Grian: I can explain-
Xemon: Can you?
Grian: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie

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*Looking at a picture of Bill Cipher that says, "They/them Mayhem"*
Nyx: It's me!
Pyr: Yeah, but are you Bill Cipher?
Nyx: No, but I can be!
Chrysus: Please don't become a triangle.

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Xisuma: Where are you two going?
Grian, about to leave with Xemon, to go cause chaos: To either get ice cream or commit a felony, I'll decide on the way.
Chrysus, very tired: Have fun and don't get arrested.

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Martyn: Why is he still speaking like that?
Scar: I have no idea-
Meanwhile, Grian, speaking in a russian accent, to Jimmy: This is why I have problems

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Chapter Text

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~Set during Double Life~
Grian: *Gently taps table*
Scar: *Taps back*
Jimmy: What are they doing?
Tango: Morse code.
Grian: *Agressively taps table*
Scar: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK, MISTER!
*muffled snickering*

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Helio, trying to teach the others something: Nothing in life is free-
Tango: Love is free.
Xisuma: Adventure is free.
Grian: Knowledge is free.
Nyx, walking past at that moment: Everything is free if you take it without paying, Helio!
Helio: Yes, but that doesn't mean you should be theives, Nyx!

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Helio: Chrysus, truth or dare?
Chrysus: Truth.
Helio: How many children do you have?
Chrysus: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? There is a difference, Helio.
Helio: ….all three options.
Chrysus: Biologically none, legally 18, and emotionally all of the Celestials that exist, because I created the Celestials with magic and code manipulation.
Helio: Why do you legally have 17 kids?
Chrysus: 5 were adopted, I had to legally adopt all of the Evo memebers, and then also two Voidwalkers.

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Nyx, threatening the other gods with a modified paintball gun: Listen…life comes at us fast. We don't know what life is gonna give us…. And today, it's gonna give you *points the paintball gun at Winter* a paintball!

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Chrysus, looking at the aftermath of Grian-caused chaos: I've come to a point in my life where I need a word stronger than fuck.
Helio, whispering to Pyr: Did I just hear Chrysus swear?
Pyr: Yes, you did just hear Chrysus say "fuck".
Xisuma, shouting at Chrysus: No Swearing! You're a Prime Admin!

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Nyx, to Pyr: I would like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.
Pyr: Well, so do I!

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Grian: Am I in trouble?
X, with Chrysus standing behind him: Take a guess.
Grian: No?
X: Take another guess.

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Chrysus: If you had to choose between Porypurhia and all of the money I have in my pocket, which would you choose?
Nyx: That depends, how much money are we talking about?
Porypurhia: 𝘕𝘺𝘹!
Chrysus: 72 cents.
Nyx: I'll take the money.
Porypurhia: 𝙉𝙮𝙭!!!

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Pyr: In your opinion, sister, what is the height of stupidity?
Porypurhia: Hey Nyx? How tall are you?

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Chapter Text

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Bay: What time is it?
Flame: I don't know, pass me that saxophone and we'll find out. *plays sax loudly and very out of tune*
Nyx: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING?
Flame: It's 2 am.
Nyx: DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THE SAXOPHONE? DO YOU?
*angry yelling from Nyx about how much they hate the saxophone*

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Xemon: In my defense, I was left unsupervised!
Helio: Wasn't Grian with you?
Grian: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised!

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Nyx: Hey Chrysus?
Chrysus: Yes, Nyx?
Nyx: Can a Watcher breathe while inside a washing machine?
Chrysus, after scanning the room: Nyx, where's Porypurhia?

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Chrysus: You have to apologize to Nyx.
Porypurhia: Fine.
Porypurhia, to Nyx: "Unfuck you" or whatever.

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~during Double Life~
Grian: I trust Scar.
Tango: You think he knows what he's doing?
Grian: I wouldn't go that far.

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Nyx: Bay….why is there a pentagram on the floor?
Bay: Your note told me to satanize the house before you got back.
Nyx:...I wrote "sanitize", Bay. You were supposed to SANITIZE the house!!

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Xisuma, walking into the Helsmits' shared space, after searching for Grian for an hour: What is wrong with you?
Grian, looking up at X from where he was playing cards with some of the Helsmits: Wow, you could start with a good morning, at least!
Xisuma: Good morning, Grian, what is wrong with you?
Grian: Nothing's wrong, just playing cards with some friends.
Badtimes: G, it's your turn!

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Xino: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Chrysus, sleep deprived: Not if they consent to it.
Grian, twirling a throwing knife in one hand: Depends on who you're stabbing. For example, if it's the Watchers, then no.
Helio: YES!?

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Grian: X, truth or dare?
Xisuma: Truth.
Grian: How many hours have you slept this week?
Xisuma:....dare.
Grian: Go to bed.
Xisuma: I don't like this game.

*while Grian was getting Xisuma to go to bed*

Pyr: Chrysus, how much sleep have you gotten this week?
Chrysus:.....yea.
Pyr: Chrysus, that wasn't an answer. How many hours have you slept this week?
Chrysus:....I think, like…..7..?
Pyr: HELIO!
Helio: YES?
Pyr: GET CHRYSUS TO STOP WORKING AND GO TO BED!

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Nyx: Well, well, well. If it isn't the dawning realization that I fucked up badly.
Chrysus: Is there a way to fuck up good?
Nyx: Yes, actually, there is!

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Chapter Text

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*Loud exploding sounds from a microwave*
Tango: Heyyyy Grian?
Grian: Yeah, Tango?
Tango: Never microwave a Caprisun.
X, walking by:......why did it sound like something exploded in the microwave?
Tango:.......I may have microwaved a Caprisun.
Grian, walking to the microwave:.....and, I'm guessing, it exploded in Chrysus's microwave? Tango, go run to the Hub and buy a new microwave quickly so that Chrysus doesn't kill me.

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~right after Nyx says they want to have a concert with the other Gods~
Flame: I CAN'T DO IT.
Winter, laughing: I CAN'T EITHER!
Flame: I CAN'T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE!
Asphodel: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.
Flame:.....I appreciate it-
Flame: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH!
Bay: Flame-
Flame: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!
Dakota: Flame we gotta-
Flame: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.
Flame: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY, "What am I willing to put up with today?"
Flame, motioning to Nyx: 𝙉𝙊𝙏 𝙁𝙐𝘾𝙆𝙄𝙉𝙂 𝙏𝙃𝙄𝙎.

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Pyr, joining in on Grian and Co. chaos: The door is locked. Y'all got a lock pick?
Xemon: Yeah.
*Grian breaks the door down*

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~Grian is hanging out with the Helsmits and Xino~
Xino: Today at 7am, Grian poured an energy drink into his coffee, said "I'm going to die", and downed the whole thing in 30 seconds.
Hels: I watched Grian brew instant coffee with Monster instead of water. Three cups in two hours. I think he ascended to the astral realm.
True: The survivablity of that man never fails to amaze me.

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Winter: Do you three ever have a civilised conversation that doesn't require insulting each other?
Bay, Flame, and Nyx: No.
Winter: Didn't think so.

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*loud crashing sounds*
Xemon, Grian, Hels, Xino, and Scar: *runs out of a room, where more crashing sounds come from*
Xemon: GRIAN, HELS, SHUT THAT DOOR!
Xisuma, walking past to a meeting room: This is why we can't have nice things. Also, Grian, we have a meeting in five.

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~cult meeting~
Tango: I think we're missing something.
Zed: Teamwork?
Grian: Cohesion?
Xemon: A general sense of what we're doing?

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Grian: Rat bastard is a really funny insult, because it implies that not only are you a rat, but that you're a rat born out of wedlock.

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Hels: I'm going to start throwing lamps at people.
Tango: Why?
Grian and Hels, in unison: So that they can lighten the fuck up.

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~during Limited Life~
Joel: That made no sense!
Grian: I understood it.
Jimmy: That's because you make no sense.

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Chapter Text

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Nyx, about Porypurhia: Can I yell across this crowded room and tell her she's an idiot?
Pyr: Yes, but-
Chrysus: -also no.

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Pyr: How late were you up last night?
Chrysus & X, in unison: Me?
Pyr: No, not you. You two stay up late all the time.
Pyr, to Helio: You.

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~during S7~
Mumbo: Grian, where's my door?
Grian, with said door in his hand, about to fly off: You said to get the door. And for Hermit Challenges.
Mumbo:.......

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Xino: What does take out mean?
Helio: Food.
Scar: Dating.
Xemon: Murder.
Pyr: Assassination.
Grian, shouting from across the room: IT CAN MEAN ALL FOUR IF YOU'RE NOT A COWARD!

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Xino: Okay, we're going to bake the cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.
Xemon: No, 4,000 degrees for 1 minute!
Hels: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second!?
Grian: We don't need an oven, we can use my fucking Watcher powers to make cookies.
All of the Helsmits: DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
Xisuma, running in: GRIAN NO-
Grian: TOO LATE!

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X: Rules were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken!
Helio: Uh, piñatas.
Pyr: Glow sticks.
Tango: Karate boards.
Zed: Spaghetti, when you have a small pot.
Grian, Xemon, and Hels, in unison: AND RULES!

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Grian, reading a note left by Pyr: X, Chrysus, when was the last time either of you slept?
X and Chrysus, each holding a (X's 11th, Chrysus's 15th) cup of coffee: Yeah.

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Scar: Grian…. I accidently drank Chrysus's coffee. How long do you think I have left to live?
Grian: Ten.
Scar: Ten, what?
Chrysus, holding a netherite sword: Nine.

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Grian: So, apparently, someone walked into the kitchen and asked me why I was making food at 4am, and I yelled at them to "get the fuck back bitch, you don't know my life!"
Xisuma: It was Iskall, because afterwards they came to me saying "What's wrong with Grian?"

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~chaos is happening. X has just arrived at the scene~
Xisuma: False, what's happening?
False: So, basically, Grian had this idea-
Xisuma: Got it.

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Chapter Text

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Xino: What do you think Grian and Joel will do for a distraction?
Pyr: They'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.
*Two buildings explode and several car alarms go off. Grian's manic laughter can be heard faintly*
Pyr:.....or they'll do that.
Pyr, shouting to the rest of the group: ALRIGHT EVERYONE WE NEED TO MOVE!

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~Cult stuff~
Xemon: This is a mistake.
Grian, sleep deprived with way too enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!
Xemon: But not today.
Pearl, equally sleep deprived and enthusiastic as Grian: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess.

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Batdtimes: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

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~training an admin~
Chrysus: Okay, so, the first thing when fighting someone is to look as intimidating as possible. Helio, could you demonstrate?
Xino: She's about as intimidating as a butterfly!
Chrysus:....noted. Hey, Grian? Could you demonstrate?

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Xisuma, looking at chaos from Grian and Co.: It could be worse.
Grian: X, I'm the living embodiment of "it could be worse".

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Xino, to Porypurhia: Fight me, you ceramic bitch!
Porypurhia: Gladly!

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Wels: *passing on instructions from X*
Grian: Am I supposed to be listening to what you're saying, because I'm not.

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~during Double Life~
Impulse: *sighs*
Bdubs: Are you bored?
Impulse: Yeah.
Bdubs: Wanna start drama for no reason?
Impulse:......absolutely.

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~arguement about…. i'm actually not quite sure.~
X: My point is, we need to try it.
Grian: But that's illegal!
X:.......
Grian: I'm joking, I'm in.
Tango: I'm also in, I heard "illegal"
Etho: Me too.

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Pearl: Y'all pay to go to haunted houses to get scared? Pathetic.
Grian: Y'know, sitting with your thoughts is free!

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Doc: Fuck gender! I want to be legally classified as a-
Grian, flying by at that exact moment: BIOHAZARD.

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Chapter Text

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Scar: X! I befriended a Watcher!
Xisuma: WHO?
Scar: *points to Grian*

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Xemon: I can explain-
Xisuma: Can you?
Hels: The answer is no.

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Joel: The 5 stages of grief is out.
Grian: Yeah! We now have 25 stages of grief!
Cleo: Probably includes some like 4th dimension feeling kinda shit.
Etho: It does.

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~during Evo~
Pearl, to Grian: You will not go through divine ascension if you don't sleep! What the fuck is wrong with you!?
Grian, extremely sleep deprived: Do you want like, a list or something?

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Xino: Guys, what's a himbo?
Grian: Ren.

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Xemon: Keralis, do we have any replacement microwaves?
Keralis: Somewhere, why?
Xemon: Bananas are very much flammable when microwaved.
Keralis:......and why did you microwave a banana?
Xemon: Grian.
Keralis: Makes sense.

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Grian: This bitch? Empty.
Scar: Road ahead? Works.
Wels: Chickens? All them.
Jevin: Shavacado? Fre.
Pearl: Ms. Shaquisa? Fuckin' dead.
Impulse: Orange soda? Strawberry.
Zed: Crossiant? Dropped.
Chrysus, looking at all of them: I have no idea what they're saying, but I'm scared.

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Pyr: I'm so glad my two favorite people are getting along.
Chrysus: Nyx and Porypurhia are not getting along.
Pyr: They're not trying to kill each other.
Ultima: You may have a point.

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Grian, from the driver's seat of a car: Get in losers, we're commiting vehicular manslaughter!

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~based off of Grian's episode 9 of Season 10~
Pearl: What do you want?
Etho: Eh, something work (permit) related?
Pearl: What department is this?
Etho: What?
Pearl: Well, if it's work (permit) related, then you'd know what department this is. What department is this?
Pearl, looking at Grian and Scar: Some sort of homosexual department?

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Chapter Text

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Martyn: Why are Taurtis and Grian sitting with their backs to each other?
Bigb: They had a fight.
Martyn: Then why are they holding hands?
Bigb: They get sad when they fight.

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Taurtis: Your smile? It makes my day.
Grian: Your happiness? I live for that.
Pearl: A room? Get one.
Jimmy: Hotel? Trivago.

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~in Grian's base~
Netty, spraying a melted cutting board with a spray bottle: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Martyn: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven…..
Jimmy, visibly confused: Okay, so he decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Netty, spraying Martyn with the spray bottle: YOU FUCKING IDIOT!
Martyn: Dude, I forgot-
Netty: OH MY FUCKING WATCHER! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you MELT the cutting board at 190 DEGREES CELSIUS!?
Taurtis: *watching this while trying to process the situation and what 190°C is in °F*
Grian, walking into his kitchen: Why do I smell smoke?

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Netty: What's the first thing you notice when a guy approaches you?
Salem and Pearl, in unison: The fucking audacity.

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~When asked if Grian is evil~
Taurtis: It's not that he's evil-
Pearl: He lacks empathy and he goes into a disassociative state.
Jimmy: And commits atrocities.

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Jimmy: *sneezes*
Pearl: God bless you.
Grian: Not lately.

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Grian: I'm going to bed.
Pearl: It's noon.
Grian: Time isn't real.

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Pearl: Christmas is cancelled.
Taurtis: Pearl, you can't cancel a holiday.
Pearl: Keep it up, Taurtis, and you'll lose New Year's too.
Taurtis: What does that mean?
Pearl, yelling: Grian, take New Year's away from Taurtis!
Grian, yelling back: On it!

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Grian: *--- ..- .-. / ... .. -... .-.. .. -. --. ... / .- .-. . / -.-. --- -- .. -. --. / - --- / ...- .. ... .. - / -- . / .- -. -.. / - .. -- .-.-.-* (Our siblings are coming to visit me and Tim)
Pearl: *.-- .... -.-- / -. --- - / -- . ..--..* (Why not me?)
Tom: What are they doing?
Zee: Morse code, I believe.
Grian: *..-. ..- -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..- --..-- / - .... .- - .----. ... / .-- .... -.-- -.-.--* (Fuck you, that's why!)
Pearl: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU BITCH!

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Mini, walking into Grian's base: Zee, why are there multiple math formulas on these papers?
Zee, trying to fix a robot that Grian made: I understand none of this, but I was told to fix it.

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Chapter Text

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Grian: If you can't convince them, confuse them!

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Helio, showing X around the Inbetween: This is Grian. He's one of the Prime Admins.
Chrysus: He's also supposed to be doing paperwork, which he is currently not.
Helio, pointing to Chrysus: And this is another Prime Admin, Chrysus. Now, le–
Chrysus, yelling to Grian: Grian! Aren't you supposed to be doing paperwork, inside of your office, as of right now?
X, to Helio: And, what exactly, is Chrysus, other than a Prime Admin?
Helio: I'm not quite sure. Anyway, over here is where–

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Nyx: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forget something.
Flame: You once left me and Porypurhia at Pasta and Pastry in the Hub at 2 am 3 days ago.
Nyx: I did that on purpose, try again.

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Flame: I told Bay to grab snacks for everyone.
Pyr, looking through the options: Why did you grab fruit snacks? What are you, 5? Who even likes fruit snacks??
Flame, Bay, Porypurhia, and Grian: *raise one of their hands*
Pyr:......wait, when did Grian get here?

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Nyx: I got a plan!
Chrysus: It can't involve murder.
Nyx: I got no plan.

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~the day after our christmas special~
Scar: I think you're still suffering from the effects of the party last night.
Grian: All I drank were energy drinks!
Scar: How many?
Grian, sheepishly: 18–

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Chrysus, extremely sleep deprived: It's as the kids say, be crimes, do gay!
Helio, to Pyr: How long have they been up for?
Pyr, a sleeping potion in a splash bottle in one hand: 170 hours; or, long enough.

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Xemon: Do you think there's a god?
Xino: Well, someone's out to get me.

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Grian: Sometimes I forget trauma isn't a universal experience, until I make jokes about it and everyone in the room asks if I'm okay. Usually X or Cub.

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Scar: Grian is my bf.
Cub: Do you mean best friend or boyfriend?
Scar: Yes.

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Chapter Text

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Chrysus, for once not working: "But girls love girls and boys"
Helio: Is that….Chrysus singing?
X, appalled: It is.
Chrysus, walking past the two stunned Primes: "And love is not a choice"
Grian, joining in: "Pose, you've gotta save your reputation"
Nyx: "They're close, to finding about your girlfriend"
Ariana Griande: "But if you change your mind, you know where I am"
Nyx: "Yeah, if you change your mind, you know where to find me"
Ariana & Nyx: " 'Cause I, don't wanna save your reputation"
X: Did you know that they could do that?
Helio: No, I did not.
Nyx & Ariana: "Girls love girls and boys!"

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Scar: Grian, what goes on inside your head?
Grian: Nothing that I want to be apart of.

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X, going to the Inbetween: Sayonara you weaboo shits.

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~watching the news as the Co. (-Grian) come walking in~
News: Man arrested for everything!
X, noticing that the Co. is missing someone: That was Grian, wasn't it?

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Iskall: "Unrepentant" is one of my favorite things to be. "Don't you feel bad about what you did?" Lol no.

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Grian: Watcher Xavi, sir, I aggresively poked them with a people-opener in self defense!

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Pyr: Nyx isn't answering their communicator.
Chrysus: I'll call.
Porypurhia: Pyr and I have tried six times each, what–
Nyx, on speaker phone: Hey Chrysus!

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~Grian, Xemon, Scar, Tango, Scott, Joel, Lizzie, & Pearl just got back from Tokyo~
Xemon: We might have gotten into a bar room brawl back in the city.
Xino: Well, that was entirely perdictable.
Xemon: One of them punched a gang member.
Xino: Pearl?
Xemon: Grian, actually.
Xino: Oh, that was my next guess.

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Cleo: Sorry I'm late, I was….doing things.
Bdubs, running into the room: SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS!

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Watcher Xerzi: One of these cups contains poison.
Grian: *immediately downs one of the cups*
Watcher Xiera: How do you know that one doesn't contain poison?
Grian, holding the other cup: I was kinda hoping that it did.

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Chapter Text

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Nyx, about Porypurhia: Are you going to arrange a meeting with her or what?
Pyr: Oh, I am. Somewhere with a fuck ton of witnesses, so that you two can't kill each other.

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X: Where are you going?
Grian: Hell, most likely. And I don't mean the Nether.

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Xemon: Who wants to go on a roadtrip?
Hels: Yeah, I could legally drink!
Badtimes: I could hang out with the boys!
Grian: I could hide from the consequences of my actions.

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Xemon: Why must you always attack me with your words?
Xisuma: What, would you rather I attack you with a guitar?

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Joel, with a crossbow: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?
Grian: Bold of you to assume I would go to heaven.

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Cleo, with a sword: Alright, your kneecap privileges have been revoked.

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Pyr: First rule?
Juppet (Joe): If you can't solve it, rock-paper-scissors.
Pyr: Second rule?
Juppet (Joe): If X tells you no, go to either Xemon or Grian.
Pyr: You're ready.

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Pearl and Grian: *arguing in the background with very creative alternate swears*
Joel: What's going on?
Scar: They had a fight and X banned them from swearing in front of both Hypno and Gem.
Hypno: Now we're just following them around.
Gem: *nods* So that they have to continue to fight like this.

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Grian: Chrysus always says "you have to pick your battles."
Grian: Well, I'm full of rage and picking all of them.

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Chrysus: You have to pick your battles.
Chrysus: That's– that's too many battles, put some back.
Chrysus: Grian, that's still too many battles.

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Celestial (Nucifera): You're under arrest for driving 8 people around on a motorcycle.
Grian: Did– did you say 8?
Nucifera, pinging Chrysus's comm: Yes.
Grian: SHIT!
Nucifera: Sir?
Grian: SCAR FUCKING FELL OFF!
Chrysus: Nucifera? That– *points to Grian* –is a Prime Admin. Also, Grian, *teleports Scar back onto the motorcycle*.

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Chapter Text

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Chrysus: X, how are the Hermits?
X: You mean, my curated collection of vaguely human people.
Chrysus: Yes. I'll get Grian to take over being admin for you–

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Joe: Did you know that if you keep drinking that much coffee you'll die?
Grian: How much more?
Joe:.....
Grian: How much more, Joe?

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Zed: You call it a near death experience. I call it a vibe check from god.

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Grian: Do you know why I recruited you?
Mumbo: I assumed you lost a bet.

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Tango: What's the signal if something goes wrong?
Jevin: We yell "oh shit" as loud as we can.
Impulse:.....that'll work.

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Cub, writing things down: Okay, now do you have self-care routine?
Pearl: "Keep going bitch" said to myself in different accents.

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Wels: What if I put coffee into my cereal instead of milk?
Xemon, snatching the pot of coffee X left out: What if you didn't?

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Cleo: Be the feral housewife, househusband or housespouse you were always meant to be!

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X: What did you think was running through my veins?
Xemon: Coffee.
Scar: Red Bull.
Helio: 5 hour energy.
Chrysus: All three at once.

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Nyx: If the Phantom of the Opera has taught me anything, it's that if all else fails, you just set the place on fire and cry.

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Badtimes, holding a jar: Gri, what do you think butterflies taste like?
Grian: They taste real bad.
Badtimes:.....
Badtimes: How–
Grian: I answered your question, that's all that you're gonna get.

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Xemon: I never make the same mistake twice!
Hels: He makes it four or five times just to make sure.

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Chapter Text

Chapter Text

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Scott: You know how a gay person falls, right?
Pearl, confidently: Sideways.

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Grian: I could sit here and be a problem all day.

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Xino: Chrysus, I have something better than coffee.
Chrysus: What is it?
Xino, holding up a bag: Crack.

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Nyx, about the other gods: Sometimes I want to shake them until I hear something rattle around in their heads.
Nyx:....that makes it sound like I want to shake them until they make a sound like a maracca.

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Tanadel, seeing Helio in the Inbetween for the first time: She's in the wrong realm and I think everyone can tell.

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Xino: The multiple failed assassination attempts against me have helped me build character.

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Pyr: They should invent a wanting that does not feel like you're being skinned alive with a dull knife.

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Grian: Yeah I'm a false prophet but you believed me, so whose fault is it really that we're in this mess?

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Tango: "Abandonment issues"? Fuck yeah I'm abandoning these issues. Bye.

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Chapter Text

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Cleo: Clownery. Tomfoolery. Absolute fuckery, I am going to revoke your life privileges.

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Joel: Damn, the power went out.
Lizzie, holding Grian: Don't worry, I got this.
*A cracking sound is heard*
Lizzie: *shakes Grian rapidly*
Joel: What-
Grian: I can light up like a glow stick!

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Scar: But that's cenorship.
Tango: Well done. You are correct. You're being censored. Now go.

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Jimmy: There was a motor close to where I am right now.
Jimmy: A motor– a motorcycle?
Jimmy: Oh sorry, a murder.
X: That escalated quickly.

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Xemon: My ultimate goal is to punch Xisu in the eye, just to spite him one last time.

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Tango: Good news!
Hels: You found where I hid your communicator?
Tango:......
Hels: You found your communicator?

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Scar: Will Grian be okay?
Pearl: He won't be once I find him.

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Cub, acting as a judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Xino: No.

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X: What did you two do?
Grian:
Pearl:
X: You're not in trouble, I just need to know if I have to make either Pyr or Xino lie to the cops again.

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Chapter Text

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Chrysus, to all of Grian and co.: WHEN WILL YOU LEARN THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?

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Grian: I'll keep these emotions bottled up and then one day I'll die.

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Nyx: The world is in the palm of your hands. Drink a snowglobe.

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X: I'm sick of coffee. I want whatever it is that theatre kids consumed to make them act like that at 8 am.

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Pearl: I may not be the prettiest girl in the room, but what I do have is a gun!

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Xemon: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free! Pouring river water in your socks.
Hels: Why would I do that?
Xemon: It's quick, it's easy, and it's free.

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Xino, to Helio: Pyr called me the b-word.
Pyr: Motherfucker doesn't start with a b, last I checked.

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Chapter Text

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Pyr: I haven't seen Grian and Xemon for fifteen minutes now.
*Outside, through a nearby window, a carriage, without a horse, is seen rolling down a roadway, with Grian and Xemon running after it. Pyr doesn't look outside at all*
Pyr: That probably means they're causing chaos.

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Chrysus: Sleep isn't for the weak, it's for the sensible.
Helio: Chrysus, you haven't slept in a week.

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X, to Grian & Co.: Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, that reason is you all are idiots and make bad choices.

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Pyr: What are the six rules?
Pearl: If you can't solve it, rock-paper-scissors.
Scar: If X tells you no, go to either Xemon or Grian.
Xino: Forgive your enemy but remember the bastard's name.
Tango: Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
Joel: Many people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them.
Hels: Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk.

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Pyr: I don't want anyone thinking that i'm an asshole.
Xino:……
Pyr: I want them to be 100% certain.

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Xino: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves" is a stupid quote. I'm killing way more than two people idiot.

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Pearl: Are they really out to get me or is it just paranoia?
Impulse: It's not paranoia if they're really out to get you.

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Grian: I'm built different. Like, incorrectly I think.

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Chapter Text

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X: I'm going to stop paying attention. I've noticed enough.

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Xino: Stop forgiving my crimes, I worked so hard on those.

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Nyx: I want to be radioactive but not like lethally or anything. Just slightly above average so that when people try take photos of me the image is grainy and blurred and geiger counters click ominously when I walk by.
Chrysus:........
Nyx: Y'know, fun stuff.

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Xemon: Because of reasons is always a legitimate reason.
Grian: Because fuck you, that's why is also acceptable.
Xino: For science is a good excuse.
Pearl: Don't forget the stars are not in position as a perfect answer to not do something.
Joel: Not since the accident can be the answer to any question.
Pyr, overhearing the conversation: You guys are forgetting think of the children as a way to persuade anybody to do something for you.

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Scar: Good luck sending me mixed signals, I don't even understand the direct ones.

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~during Evo~
Taurtis: You're not ascending to godhood, you're just dehydrated.
Grian: Outta my way gayboy i'm boutta liberate my divine self from this mortal shell.
Grian, two hours later: Hospital.

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Hels: Like it's MY fault that my love language is acts of service and all I know how to do is kill.

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Scar: If no one comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision can it really be?

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Chrysus: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, then it's venomous.
Helio: What if it bites me and it dies?
Pyr: Then you're poisonous. Learn to listen, Helio.
Helio: What if it bites itself and I die?
Grian: It's voodoo.
Helio: What if it bites someone else and I die?
X: That's correlation, not causation.
Grian: What if we bite each other and neither of us die?
Xino: That's kinky.
Pyr: Oh my Prime.

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~during S7~
Scar, notching an arrow: Tell me the name of God, you fungal piece of shit.
Grian: Can you feel your heart burning? Can you feel the struggle within? The fear within me is beyond anything your soul can make. You cannot kill me in a way that matters.
Scar, shaking: I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!

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Chapter Text

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Pyr, to Xino: You can't "I'm just a little guy" your way out of this one cunt.

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Scar: I don't necessarily believe any of this, I'm just saying words recreationally.

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Xino: Gonna go start bar fights so that I can get a cool facial scar.

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X: Where are you right now?
Xemon: I'm at Soup!
X: Which store are you in?
Xemon: I'M AT THE SOUP STORE!
X: WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?
Xemon: FUCK YOU!

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Gem: I am first and foremost a lover. Secondarily and mostly for the bit I am also a hater.

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Pyr, to Chrysus, about Grian n co.: The things that crazy people say mean nothing to them but everything to me.

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Grian: Life's a party and I'm the piñata.
X: NO!

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Grian: You never realize how loud your everyday actions are until you try to do them at 2:30 am.
Pearl: GO TO BED!

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Lizzie: You're late.
Joel: Sorry I was too busy getting hit by a car.

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Chrysus, about Scar: I hate to break it to you but your boyfriend is dyslexic.
Grian, sarcastically: Would've never guessed.

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Xino: HOW IS THIS BAD NEWS?
Helio: Xino, you almost DIED.
Xino: Yeah, but I DIDN'T, that's what makes it GOOD NEWS.
Helio: I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND HOW THIS WORKS.

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Chrysus, to Pyr: Yes, getting stabbed is bad news. No, I don't care that you stabbed the other guy more.

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Chapter Text

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Xemon, to Hels: Get that tattoo. Your family is already disappointed.

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Martyn, drunk: Don't be sad, okay? Sad is for losers. We're not losers.
Jimmy: We're not?
Pearl, equally as drunk, nodding: We're worse than that.

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Grian: On a scale of one to ten, how bad do you think it would be if-
X: At least a twenty.

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Pyr, to Xino: I'd say that you could learn from this, but then we'd both be wrong.

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Chrysus: Nobody cares until you're rich, pretty, or dead, so go do whatever the fuck you want.

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Grian: I'm a menace first and a person second.

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Joel: They....well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?
Impulse: Murder?
Tango: Adventuring.
Scar: Tuesday.

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Pearl: For my next trick I'll need a gun.

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Pyr, to Grian n co.: "You're so mean," maybe, if you guys weren't so fucking stupid, I wouldn't have to be mean to you. Change starts with you.

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Jimmy: I need relationship advice.
Lizzie: Break up.
Jimmy: At least listen to me first.

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Grian: Remember kids: fuck the police! And never literally!

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