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Minho wasn’t the type of guy to go on spontaneous trips or take irresponsible risks. He’s no daredevil. He wouldn’t do anything reckless and think before he does anything. He was usually shy and only opened up slowly to new people and wasn’t extroverted to them directly. He was prudent and took his time. He was reserved and quiet, not speaking louder than necessary. One might mistake him to be ignorant or indifferent, but he cares much more than what meets the eye. He’s clever and charming, well-mannered and knew how to act.
He was firm and determined, ambitious to what he wanted, but now he was much more easy-going and softer. He had a calm nature and didn’t get excited easily. He liked it when things were tidy, but now the mess didn’t bother him. He would take care silently of his closest friends by small and meaningful gestures. He spends much more money than usual. He never minded paying for his friends, but at this point it became lavish.
Suddenly Minho spent more time outside and acted like a completely different person. Of course, he would still meet with his friends, but it felt different. His whole behavior is construed to experiencing everything there is, without thinking of the consequences. It felt like the change happened from one day to another. Hyunjin knew Minho all to well, but all this was so unlike him. They have known each other since they were young and have been best friends since shortly after meeting each other.
Minho grew up in a good neighborhood with a loving family and caring friends. Hyunjin used to look out for his best friend. But ever since recently, Minho seemed to step out of his shell and wanted to do things himself. Minho was an intelligent and handsome young man who had all the possibilities ahead of him.
So why would his best friend act like he only had one day left to live when they are only in their early 20s`?
During a warm autumn day, Hyunjin walks around the park with Minho. Their shoulders would bump into each other occasionally, but none of them would mind. The only thing that never changed about Minho. Or…. Maybe not. Minho became more attached and touchy-feely. But that wasn’t anything to complain about.
When they reached a pond, they decided to sit down. Just then there was a moment of silence. Minho had been talking non-stop before, so Hyunjin enjoyed the silence and the beautiful view in front of him. But they were only distractions from what he wanted to ask the older. All this time he had let Minho’s behavior slide. Never mentioning anything and just observing his best friend. Hyunjin never wanted to interfere with Minho’s decisions, not that he even had the right for that anyway, but at this point he couldn’t ignore it anymore. Day after day Hyunjin grew more suspicious of Minho’s behavior, trying to find out what got into his head, but no matter how hard he tried to find out the reason, he never found an answer. Before he would lose Minho entirely, he needed to talk to him.
“What happened?” Hyunjin asked bluntly, still gazing at the pond in front of them. The water still and stray leaves floating on the surface.
“What do you mean?” Minho turned towards him.
“I think it’s pretty obvious.” He slowly turned his towards Minho, not really daring to look him in the eyes. “Your behavior.”
“I don’t own you an explanation.” Minho cut him off with a cold tone, almost snipping at him. So he knew. This answer as well, it didn’t suit him at all.
“Tche/huh.” Hyunjin huffed, looking back at the pond like Minho did.
They both stared at the water in front of them for a moment. A few people passing the bench they’re sitting on. Hyunjin watches as some leaves fall from the trees. “You know very well that I won’t keep quiet about it.” He hears Minho taking loud slurps with his straw from his coffee. Hyunjin could tell that the other was irritated. He also seemed agitated, aggressively looking around. Again, this wasn’t like Minho. But did all that make him like him any less? No way.
After about 15 minutes of silence, Minho finally gave in. A loud sigh escaped his lips.
“I hate you for this….” Minho said to himself. Hyunjin smiled lazily at that obvious lie. “I know you could never.” Hyunjin replied cheekily. Minho placed his cup of coffee on the ground and places his hand on the bench’s edge, leaning forward.
“To be honest, I have been wondering why you haven’t said anything before, but I was actually grateful that you didn’t. I guess I overdid things…” Minho swinged back and forth. Hyunjin on the other side just sat in silence, watching the ducks on the pond and letting Minho talk to him. A slight breeze met his face and pushed his hair backwards. The wind was refreshing but a little too cold. Minho waited for the breeze to be over to finally speak up again.
“My doctor told me I only have 3 more months to live.” he paused.
“But that was 5 months ago... So I am waiting.”
Hyunjin walks angrily back and forth in his room. When Minho revealed his secret to him, he somehow managed to remain calm, but now that he is alone his anger and frustration is unstoppable. He was angry, afraid, and in disbelief. Suddenly everything made sense and he hated himself for not noticing the real reason earlier. Minho tried his best to hide his illness, but Hyunjin was disappointed for such an important information to be left unspoken between them. He deserved to know that. Minho would come and complain to him about everything and tell him even the most mundane things so why would Minho conceal his terminal illness? Hyunjin felt bad for Minho carrying this burden all on his own. He didn’t want him to be alone, he wanted to support him, he wanted to embrace every moment that was still left for them. As angry as he was about finding out the truth, he was scared shitless. It didn’t feel real that he could lose his best friend any moment. They were supposed to grow old together and explore the world. But now this is only an airy dream. That day Hyunjin could barely fall asleep.
From that day on Hyunjin met up with Minho every single day. They went to the cinema, the club, anywhere Minho wanted. Reluctantly Hyunjin followed him and made sure to watch out for him. Minho acted the same as before his confession: recklessly. He chugged one drink after another, made out with every pretty girl or boy that approached him in the club and engaged with shady figures. It was painful to watch. When did this become Minho’s definition of having fun and living life to its fullest?
The music in the club they were in right now was blasting through the room. Hyunjin sat on a couch, crossing his arms while observing Minho dancing on the dancefloor. Minho has basically ignored him the entire night so far and only cared for some strangers. It was unpleasing/irksome. In moments like these it was surreal to think that Minho was actually a sick man and only had a limited number of days left.
While dancing, Minho deliberately spills the liquid in his glass on his chest, feeling up his body and the girl he was dancing with did the same. Hyunjin clicked his tongue at the sight. He looked at his clock and saw that Minho should’ve taken his medications and head to bed soon.
Hyunjin stands up and laboriously makes his way through the drunken crowd. Hyunjin tugs at Minho’s now opened dress shirt.
“Did you take your pills?” Hyunjin screams over the music. “You need to take your pills.”
At first Minho ignored him and kept dancing, but Hyunjin just got closer and prodded him. Hyunjin couldn’t hear it, but he it was obvious that his best friend just groaned annoyedly.
“I did not.” Minho replied.
“We should go home. It’s late and-“
“Stop nagging, this is why I didn’t want you to know. Who are you, my mom? You don’t need to look after me.” Minho turned his yes and his hole demeanor changed. He was visibly annoyed by the younger. Hyunjin took a step back. Hyunjin ceased to understand what was going on in Minho’s mind months ago. He can’t read him anymore and it wasn’t like him to talk this dismissively to him. It was frustrating to get treated like this from the person he is closest to.
“Fine. Whatever you want. I will go home now. “Hyunjin replied, trying to sound equally firm and shook his head. He didn’t wait for Minho to respond and walked away.
When Hyunjin stepped outside, a person suddenly started walking by his side. He turned his head and it was Minho accompanying him. Hyunjin kept walking and ignored him as he was mad at him. The sky was pitch black and only a few stars illuminated the sky. It was October and the temperatures started to drop. A chilly breeze followed them. The longer they walked away from the club, the fewer people were on the streets.
“I couldn’t let you go home alone. It’s saver for us.” Minho said after a while. Hyunjin huffed to himself quietly. For some reason Minho didn’t sound as drunk as Hyunjin expected him to be. He must have developed a high tolerance at this point.
“It’s not like it bothered you all the other times when I walked home alone...” He didn’t even look at his best friend. They walked through the park where streetlights illuminated the path.
“That’s because you didn’t behave like now...” Minho’s voice was softer than before.
“What the- what do you even mean? Because I am annoyed that you treat me like a pest?”
“No, I-…. I didn’t want us to part ways like this. In an argument….”
“So now, you suddenly care. I don’t get you Minho. Ever since you got your diagnosis, I have no clue what’s going on in your head anymore. You treat me like a nuisance, as if you want me to dislike you, only to say things like this afterwards.”
“Because I did it on purpose.” Minho said calmly and stopped walking. Hyunjin halted in front of him and turned to him confused.
“I wanted to, no I want you to dislike me.” Why was Minho sounding defeated, when it should be Hyunjin feeling this way? His best friend wants him to dislike him. Did he really think he would give up on him this easily, especially after learning about his sickness? Just-
“What do you want from me? No matter what I do it seems wrong.”
“I want you to hate me! I don’t want you to be devastated when I am gone. I thought maybe this would reduce your pain.” Minho’s voice was husky. “If I acted like a jerk, you would be happy that I was gone. I didn’t want to leave you behind with so much sadness and I was hoping to get rid of my feelings for you along the way. But I ended up kissing strangers, pretending they’re you.”
They stare at each other and only the faint rustling of leaves can be heard. Hyunjin needed a moment to understand what his best friend just said. Suddenly he had a lump in his throat, not being able to talk. Hyunjin should feel happy that he finally got a response to his questions, but instead he felt miserable hearing Minho’s reasoning. It felt like he was responsible for adding to Minho’s suffering. And saying the following will once and for all shatter Minho’s heart to boot. But he had to respond to his feelings, right?
“I’m sorry, but I don’t-“
“I know.” Minho quickly and soberly interrupted him. “No need to say it out loud.”
Hyunjin cautiously licked over his dry lips. He never looked at Minho in a romantic way, at least not earnestly. Of course, such thought crossed his mind a few times during their friendship, but he quickly discarded that idea, thinking they were platonic soulmates. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten rid of that idea that quickly after all.
“Let’s just go home and go to sleep.” Minho sighs, putting his hands in his coat’s pockets.
“Yeah, sounds good.” Hyunjin’s eyes wandering tiredly all over Minho’s face. Both had a forlorn expression but just smiled weakly at each other. They were all they had left now.
They went home with a comfortable silence around them and quickly went to bed. They snuggled, taking in each other’s warmth.
The next days it got colder and colder. It was November by now and it felt like Hyunjin and Minho have gotten even closer. Especially after they lost sight of each other for a little bit, when Minho received his diagnose. Everything was finally back to normal and Hyunjin might start actually having feelings for Minho. However, he can’t quite grasp but what it is, so he didn’t say anything.
It was Wednesday and the first snow fell. A bright smile formed on Hyunjin’s lips as he watched the big snowflakes dancing in the air. In that moment he received the phone call he has been dreading ever since talking to Minho at the pond.
Minho is in the hospital. And suddenly everything happened all too fast…
Minho has been in the hospital for two days and it was obvious that his condition deteriorated every minute. He got and more tired and couldn’t do things himself anymore. Life was cruel for wanting to take away Minho from him this early. Hyunjin visited Minho every day for as long as he could. Hyunjin would drive Minho in his wheelchair around the hospital and now they are sitting in the hospital’s conservatory on the fifth floor. At that porch they were surrounded by glass and could look outside while being protected from the weather. The sky was light blue, barely a cloud to be seen and the plants were covered in a white blanket of snow. In front of them there were trees, park benches, people going for a walk with their dogs and kids playing in the snow. In the middle there was a big pond, but it hasn’t frozen yet. Somehow this moment reminded Hyunjin of the day Minho disclosed his sickness to him. Only this time, they couldn’t feel the raw wind or sun rays on their skins. They were stuck inside, in more ways than just one.
“The view is beautiful, isn’t it?” Minho suddenly says with a heavy breath. He continues looking outside but Hyunjin quickly glanced over to him. Minho’s face was as pale as the snow. It was painful to see his best friend like this, but there was nothing he could do for him, except than being by his side.
“It is.” Hyunjin turned his head back to the people in the park. As he watched the carefree crowd he wondered if they realized their privilege of being alive? Did they do things that made them happy? Were they living with regrets? Was there anything holding them back? Were they facing their life and did the most of it? Were they happy?
Hyunjin wanted to ask Minho similar questions. He can only fathom what’s going on in his head. Was he afraid of death? Did he have any regrets? Would he have done something differently? Was Hyunjin a good friend to him? Would he leave with a good conscience? But he didn’t dare to ask. Instead, he sat closer to him and put his arm around him, as if it would make him stay. As if he was able to keep him longer in this world. He didn’t want to let him go. He wanted to feel him warmth, his presence for as long as possible.
“You know, we’ve been best friends for as long as I can think.” Minho’s hoarse voice only above a whisper. “Thank you for everything Hyunjin. Sincerely…” he finally turned his head to the younger and Hyunjin did the same. Both smiling weakly.
“You’re welcome….” Hyunjin gave him a kiss on the head and pressed him closer to himself, hoping to convey his love for him. “Thank you too, for being the best friend I could ever wish for. I will miss you.” Hyunjin squeezed him tightly, but carefully once more.
“Me too…” Minho sounded tired and mournful.
Later that day Minho just wanted to lay in bed. He was extremely tired and dozed off from time to time. Each time Minho closed his eyes for too long Hyunjin was afraid he wasn’t going to open them anymore. He made sure to sit closely next to his bed. Minho just goggled into the void.
“I can’t see that well anymore.” Minho’s pupils started moving. Hyunjin’s heart dropped and fear was hitting him like a truck.
“But you can still feel and hear everything?” Hyunjin immediately grabbed the elder’s hand, worried for his friend.
“Yes, I do.” Minho lazily smiled, not bothering to look at Hyunjin. Hyunjin smiled relieved.
“I don’t know what’s going to be after I left this world, but I couldn’t have left it without feeling your touch one last time.” Minho closed his eyes for a moment.
Hyunjin sadly looked at his friend. After a moment of hesitation, he carefully cupped Minho’s cheek, hoping not to startle him. Touching him like this was something Hyunjin has always wanted, just out of curiosity, but now it’s something he can do just for Minho and for himself.
Hyunjin softly presses his lips against the sick one’s.
After they parted, Minho opened his eyes again, this time seeing Hyunjin clearly in front of his face. Their eyes meeting.
“Thank you…We should have done this more often.” Minho jokes with his thin voice. Too bad that time is running out.
Hyunjin only frowned at this, not answering the older. He genuinely didn’t know what to say. For one, Minho was right. His lips pressed against his own felt amazing, but at the same time there was no use in regretting something that has never been and cannot be changed. Also, both of them knew very well that there was nothing blooming out of this. So why put in more effort than what you can get back?
Hyunjin cares deeply for Minho, but he knows when to deem something hopeless and when to back down from his own wishes.
Hyunjin sits next to Minho and delicately caressed his head while squeezing his hand. Minho closed his eyes again and Hyunjin knew the time has come.
“You did great and you are loved.” Hyunjin stoked through Minho’s hair softly. He heard his breathing slowing down. The room was almost silent. The door was closed and the windows closed, only their breaths being heard.
“I am here, you are not alone.” His voice only above a whisper. While talking to him he saw Minho’s face getting more relaxed. Hyunjin tried to remain calm, but his sadness was getting the better of him.
“I will never forget you Minho.” Hyunjin barely managed to say as tears rolled down his face. His lips trembling.
When Hyunjin saw Minho’s face turn into a faint smile, he knew this was the end and was relieved to see him depart with a positive thought. Hyunjin kept caressing him, suppressing his sobs and letting the tears pour down. It didn’t take long until he broke out into crying out loud and calling Minho’s name in despair. He held Minho’s hand, giving it a kiss and pressing it against his forehead.
He couldn’t believe this. He didn’t want to believe this.
As the minutes passed by, he calmed down slightly. He had to inform a nurse.
He sighed standing up, still holding Minho’s hand. For a moment he observed the peaceful body on the bed.
No more shenanigans, no banter, no new memories. He would never hear his voice or beautiful laughter again. Minho was gone.
“Goodbye Minho. One day we will meet again, I promise.”
Hyunjin gave Minho’s motionless hand one final kiss and left the room.