Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Four.

Three.

Two. 

With every second he took another step towards something akin to fate. 

One.

When the countdown reached zero, there was silence. 

For a millisecond all Robert felt was his heart beat in his chest. 

Did it work? 

Then the fleeting moment was gone and in an instant the detonation blossomed a giant fireball over the desert. A blazing light. He watched in awe. It worked. But the burning light grew brighter and it didn’t stop spreading, and suddenly there was no more fiery ball but the whole sky lit up further and further. Robert gasped in horror as he realised. 

The atmosphere was igniting. This had been the negligible, the near zero chance - the light was blinding as he stared at the distorted sky, at the fabric of the universe unravelling before his eyes. 

Oh what had he done.

There was no escape, no where to go. Doom was racing towards him like a chariot. He expected the heat to hit him any moment now. He could have laughed, he could have cried, but instead he was silent. He breathed out and in anticipation he closed his eyes. But it was to no use. The light grew brighter, heat tingling on his face, and then the only thing he could see, could feel, was light, light, light.

In an instant everything stopped. He glimpsed at infinity and for a moment he saw beyond. 

Robert breathed back in. He opened his eyes, but everything around him was dark. The light was gone. He blinked. He breathed out again. His mind was racing at light speed. What had that been after the light? What had he seen? It was so overwhelming, so surreal, it whirled around him in a spiral, turning him inside out. But when he desperately clawed at the images, he felt a rush of nausea overcome him and make him gag. Everything stayed clouded. 

Breathing heavily, he focused on the present. Robert was lying on sandy ground. He felt around and sat up, his joints stiff. His skin tingled, like the phantom remains of heat. He looked at his hands, uninjured, no burns.

He looked up. No stars, no moon. Just thick, black fog. This wasn't the night. Thunder roared through the darkness. Robert looked around. There was only sand, a few dead bushes, fallen trees and darkness behind them. You couldn't see very far. He stood up and walked a few steps and immediately stumbled. His foot was caught on a piece of wood. He followed the plank with his eyes to another piece, and next to it to another plank, in the black mist behind it he could make out a shipwreck.

What kind of place was that? A shiver ran down his spine.

He heard a screech in the distance and jumped. He quickly got up and continued walking aimlessly. Why was he walking?

Robert stumbled ahead in the darkness. It stretched all around him, with no beginning or end. He walked straight ahead at random. It was an empty, vast land. His feet kept moving like clockwork as it dawned on him what had happened.

The Trinity Test.

He remembered. He stood behind thick lead walls, the explosion, the light... he sucked in a sharp breath and stopped.

The chain reaction was unstoppable. If the atmosphere had ignited, that meant -

He fell to his knees.

He should be composed, face the consequences of his creation with the little dignity he had left in him, but all he could muster was a choked gasp.  

He could almost hear the screams growing louder and louder all around him, creeping up from behind, screams of agony, radiation tearing apart their bodies, the burning lights incinerating, merciless, inhumane -

Robert had never found an answer to the question whether he should believe in life after death or not. Or if anything after death even existed at all. Oh but he knew all too well that matter could be destroyed, that matter could be split, could be changed, could be twisted into a wretched, a brutal thing, but it couldn’t be eradicated completely. Matter wasn’t ever truly gone.

That explained why he was here.

He didn't know what he had imagined hell to be, but he knew that this uninhabitable place was his. He had died, and this was his damnation. 

That explained why he was here. 

He let out a sob. He had always thought that he understood the laws of the universe, at least enough to begin to follow it’s patterns. In retrospect he should have known. If the universe was striving towards entropy, and the greatest possible value of enthropy in a closed system was achieved when a state of equilibrium was established, this meant that the universe was one of balance.

And that meant that everything was exactly right. 

He had killed billions. The world had ended in a burning light of his making. It was only fitting that he remained in eternal darkness.

If hell was apparently real, did that mean that there was a god? Was he supposed to pray? But even if the universe could hear him at such a place, it couldn’t matter anyway. This was his end station. He was right where he was supposed to be.

Robert heard screams in the distance, and like a phantom pain he felt a tingling sensation on his face as he imagined how the blinding light of the explosion ripped through his skin... Everyone he had ever known, he could practically hear their screams, growing louder in a choir of agony… The whole world stood ablaze and above everything there was this brilliant light -

Until suddenly something grabbed his shoulder.

He spun around with a scream that promptly caught in his throat. What he saw before him was a horror breaching the incomprehensible. A creature made of dark, rotten, leathery skin gaped at him, like a twisted gargoyle, snapping at him with decaying teeth, Robert stumbled back, falling. Like an insect the creature crawled towards him across the ground, and he pushed himself backwards in a panic, the thing stretched out its claw, lashed out, and in a protective movement Robert raised his hands in front of his face, a burning pain erupting in his palms.

Without warning a blinding light flashed before his eyes and his heart beat stopped. His mind was immediately back in that room with the lead walls, staring at the light burning through the skies - 

His hands shook as he desperately tried to push the light away, but it was coming from inside him as he screamed in panic -

It was only for a second, but to Robert it felt like an eternity. When the agonising light finally faded and darkness returned, he gasped for air and stumbled to his feet. His hands were burning, there was something hot on his palms, and he mindlessly stumbled in a random direction, just away. Suddenly the fog parted, another blinding light all around him, and then his legs gave out, he tumbled into the sand and then finally lost consciousness.

Chapter Text

Aleksander, flanked by his guards, made his way through the hustle of preparations for the launch of the improved skiff. A whistle rang through the air. The new skiff was ready and the gates were just being closed. He gave the signal with a nod. The mainsail was lowered and unfolded itself in the gentle breeze.

"Ready for launch!", the command billowed over the docks and the squallers readied themselves. The skiff took off. Aleksander watched after it as the wind picked up, blowing up his cape behind him like the flag of an army overlooking the marshland, waiting for the enemy to appear out of the mist. It was a day like thousands, but something was laying in the air, making it heavy, like static anticipating a thunderstorm.

The skiff reached the edge of the fold and black fog weaved over the sand. The sail was gone first, after that the hull, and then the darkness curved around and the skiff was swallowed by the fold. He watched after it. Behind the shadows it was flashing like a thunderstorm. He motioned his guards to not wait for him and return to the camp. 

Now Aleksander stood alone on the dock. The wind picked up eerily, as if passing by whispers of a land afar.  

The thunderstorm inside the shadow fold grew stronger, lightning strikes behind the fog becoming more and more powerful. He looked closer, it was getting brighter, his heart started beating - what was that? The flashes of light came closer and closer to the wall of the fold - 

Suddenly a huge ball of light burst out of the shadows, the screams from the camp behind him just a muffled noise - he couldn’t avert his eyes from the spectacle. A huge ball of dazzling light effortlessly pushing away the shadows like a drop of liquid gold in water, leaving it so hot to be evaporating and sizzling at the contact. Sparks were flying through the air, for a moment it looked like an explosion. Then the light went out at once.

Aleksander felt his heart beating up to his throat. He stared at the wall of the fold where the shadows had easily flown back into their place like the surface of a pond, dark ripples of water, returning to an undisturbed surface just as before. He blinked. 

Something moved at the edge of the fold - a man stumbled through the shadows, fell into the sand right in front of the fold, remaining motionless on the ground. Aleksander watched as soldiers rushed over, closing the distance to the edge of the fold, where the man had made it barely out into the light. They put him on a stretcher, carrying him into the camp. Everything was chaos.

He couldn’t recall the last time his heart had beaten this fast. As if taken out of his trance, he walked straight towards the medical tent. Everyone standing around immediately made way for the general. He quietly entered the tent and found them laying the man down on a cot.

His gaze immediately fell on the stranger. He was unconscious, lying still on the cot, one arm hanging over the side - Aleksander saw that his hand was covered in blood. He gulped as he spotted the deep cuts on his palm. Looking up along his bloodied sleeve, he noticed the stranger's clothing. The man wasn't wearing a uniform, neither clothes commonly worn in these parts of the world, but instead a light brown suit with a dark tie and a light blue shirt. On the side of his belt there was a round badge attached, mostly white with a red edge, on it a black symbol, apparently two letters of an alphabet he didn’t recognise.

The healer started to work and Aleksander stepped closer. 

"Sir - " The healer noticed him.

"Is he…?"

"Unconscious, Sir. He appears to be in a state of shock."

Aleksander watched as the healer continued her work, assessing the man with practiced, precise motions of her hands. She turned the strangers bloodied hands on their back and closed the wounds on the palms, slowly forming bright red scars. Aleksander quietly stood at the end of the bed observing the man. He looked to be in his late thirties, maybe early forties, slim, with dark hair and a face made up of all sharp features. 

He was looking at his prominent cheek bones when suddenly the strangers lids fluttered open - Aleksander stared at the most strikingly blue eyes he had ever seen. For a moment he was startled as the man looked around himself with an expression Aleksander needed a moment to comprehend as terror.

"Please keep calm, Sir, I’m taking care of your…" the healer tried to calm him down, but the man’s breathing quickened, bordering on panic, and she stopped the work on his hands to manage his heartbeat instead. The man looked around himself with quick and short breaths when his eyes locked back on Aleksander. They looked at each other, neither saying a word. Involuntarily the tent darkened, the shadows lengthening. Somehow the man seemed to calm down a bit and Aleksander motioned the healer to stop. He took a step closer. He had waited for so many… - No, in this moment he didn’t even care anymore how long it had been. 

"Well?", He said for the lack of anything better coming to mind. The stranger looked at him as if he had seen a ghost. Aleksander supposed he had. "What are you?" 

For a moment the man just stared at him, as if calculating something in his head. Aleksander couldn’t look away. His blue eyes were captivating.

"Robert Oppenheimer", the stranger answered after a moment. 

So that was his name. Aleksander repeated it in his head. Robert Oppenheimer. Now he had a name - already it was filling in the blank spaces in his mind. And what an unusual one. It didn’t sound Ravkan, neither Fjerdan. Possibly Kerch? He had heard… -

"They’re all gone", the man muttered, calling Aleksander’s attention back to the present. "It’s my fault. That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?"

Aleksander looked him over again, what was he talking about? He didn't want to expose his confusion, so he simply went over it. "Answer the question", he said in a tone that came out gentler than he had expected. "What are you?"

For a second, there was silence.

"Dead", the stranger answered, as if it was something obvious.

Murmurs came from the other side where the healer stood, whom Aleksander had completely forgotten until just now.

"Quiet", he commanded with a stern expression, ready to snap at the next interruption. Immediately the healer went silent. 

Aleksander turned back to Robert. Robert… could he call him that? Mister Oppenheimer, he thought, repeating the name in his head as if weighing it on his tongue - that sounded too formal for the person he had spend centuries with, together in his mind. His brain was working overtime painting over the blank canvas of a person in the scenarios he had created. Now like gears the sharp face in front of him clicked into place into every one of his thoughts.

Robert still stared at him without a word. 

After a long moment of observing him, Aleksander just brushed the implication aside. "To me you look very much alive", he settled on. "Tell me, what happened out there?" 

Robert stayed silent. 

Aleksander’s mind was spinning, he wanted to speak but somehow the silence between them was thick and damp as fog - there was this crack like a thunderstorm, screeching behind the veil, then there was this light - and then you stumbled out of the fold, collapsing on the ground - what are you? - He let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding.

"Where am I?", Robert whispered.

"Is it true?" Aleksander couldn’t help but say, completely out of breath. "Can you summon light?"

The man turned paler than the dirtied white sheets of the second army’s medical tent. His breathing quickened.

"Where did you grow up?", Aleksander asked instead. If he was from Kerch that probably was the reason no one had found him until now. 

"New York."

If Aleksander was confused he didn’t show it on his face. "What brings you here, then?"

Still no answer. If he hadn’t been so captivated by the man’s eyes, he would surely have missed how they glossed over following his question. So - it was a dangerous topic, he presumed. After a moment Aleksander decided to not press it further. It didn’t matter anyways, as now he was here - he was here! Even if the man should have been sent here a spy, Aleksander didn’t care. Nothing of that mattered. Anything up until now was of no more relevance.

He already knew the answer, but he decided to ask anyways. "Were you ever tested?"

"What?"

"You don’t remember?" 

"Tested for what?"

The shuffling of feet from the side. "His wounds aren’t completely healed yet, sir", the healer remarked, and if she had noticed that the shadows had spiked up for a split second, she didn’t comment on it. He had completely forgotten about the other person in the tent. Again.

Aleksander looked back down to where Robert had his hands already bandaged. 

"How much time will you need?", he asked the healer without looking at her.

"The wounds on his palms are closed, but he will definitely need some rest first. I’d say tomorrow, sir." 

"Very well." 

In a swift motion Aleksander straightened. He hadn’t even realised how much he had leaned forward. "Rest now, Mister Oppenheimer. I will see you tomorrow." Without waiting for an answer Aleksander turned around and exited the tent. 

He walked with large steps. The sun cast the camp in its twilight, soon to be disappearing behind the fold. The shadows stretched long across the square. One day more was just a grain of salt in the vast waters of an endless ocean. Now he had a face, a voice, a name. A presence. He was here. There was so much to do now. So many things to organise. Plans that had accumulated dust in Aleksander’s mind suddenly setting into motion like the gears of a clock.

As he walked across the square to his tent, he didn't even have to pause. He could feel the soldiers in the shadows, whispering among themselves. First army, second army, all the same - whispers of the sun summoner’s arrival. 

Chapter Text

The man in the dark coat had left the tent. He had looked at him so intently, with eyes as black as the place where Robert was supposed to be. But instead now he was laying on a cot in a sparsely furnished tent, and when the man had left, leaving the entrance flap open in the breeze, the last beams of light from the setting sun got in, now illuminating his face. This was wrong. Every one of his muscles tensed. Robert tried to rub his eyes, but his hands were bandaged. His eyes quickly scanned over his surroundings, there was the woman he recognised as the surgeon, wearing a similar coat as the man, only in dark red with intricate silver embroidery on the front. It seemed to be some kind of uniform. One he didn’t recognise. She was busy packing away the box of bandages she had used on his hands.

"Where am I?" He asked again into the room.

The surgeon turned around. "You’re in the second army’s medical tent. The soldiers brought you in while you were unconscious."

Second army? So he was at some kind of military facility. "What happened?" His voice sounded hoarse.

"You had cuts on both of your palms, I took care of them. Your body needs a lot of energy now, so you’re doing good to follow the Darkling’s orders and rest."

Huh. A strange nickname for a man he supposed to be an officer of some sort, but he guessed it was quite fitting. He couldn’t pinpoint it exactly, dark clothes, dark hair, dark eyes, but everything about that man had whispered of it.

"You are to stay here for the night", the surgeon said and nodded to him. "I’ll be over in the next tent if you need me." With that she turned around to walk towards the exit. Just in front of the half opened flap she halted. Once more she turned back towards him, suddenly with a look so sincere, emotions so intense, that it made Robert hold his breath. 

"Your arrival was awaited by so many", she said, almost a whisper, "you have no idea how grateful we are for your appearance." And then with one turn she was gone. 

Robert blinked. His brain was slowly beginning to rev up again, like the engine of a car that had been sitting in the garage for too long. The sun had set and from his cot he could see out of the entrance. There appeared to be more tents outside. It seemed to be some kind of military camp. What had happened? That question was so badly convoluted, he already felt the headache coming up just thinking of it. Suddenly out of nowhere flashing images of a dark creature rushed through his mind, and he quickly shuddered off the scene. Just a nightmare. He breathed. Focus. 

His mental engine slowly but steadily was coming back up to operating temperature. He had to prioritise. He didn’t know where he was, didn’t know how he had gotten here, didn’t know who he was dealing with. One thing at least was pretty clear - and that was his instinct’s muffled screaming. He couldn’t exactly tell what it was, but something here seemed out of place. No, that wasn’t the right word… something here seemed strange… wrong… disturbing-

Robert got up quickly, careful to not make a sound. With soft steps he walked to the entrance. Careful. You don’t know where you are. He managed to stay hidden behind the wall of the tent while sneaking a look outside. Some people were standing around, looking over in his general direction, seemingly waiting for something. 

Suddenly there was red fabrics in front of him. 

He looked up at the man who was wearing the same type of uniform as the surgeon and the officer, this one red with black embroidery. 

"You are not supposed to walk around camp. Please remain inside. For your own safety.” The man’s tone didn’t leave room for an answer, so Robert turned back around and closed the flap of the tent behind him. His heart was beating like a drum. Disturbing. His instinct was rattling at the back door of his brain, screaming. Something was so utterly wrong. His bandaged hands were shaking.

For a while he just stood in front of the cot, thinking. The officer in the dark uniform had been talking about some kind of test. Robert didn’t have any intention of finding out what that entailed. He couldn’t stay here. 

He looked around the tent, careful to stay silent. There was a second room, separated by a sheet of fabric on a line spanned between two hooks. Robert pushed it aside. The other room looked the same as his, a second cot and an unlit candle on an otherwise empty table. Something caught his eye in the bottom corner. Where the tarp of the tent was attached to the ground, there was a slight opening. The tarp was not held down as securely in that one place, and it seemed as if that might be just what he needed. 

Robert got down on the floor, tugging at the stake, gently but with intent. With another tug the stake was freed. Robert crawled through the opening to the outside. He got up into a crouch, looking around, assessing the situation. It had gotten dark, there were noises coming from the camp around him, but none in his immediate radius. From afar he could hear a deep rumbling, cracks of thunder, but the sky was void of clouds. From the outside he put the stake back in, pushing it down with his foot to cover up his tracks. He got up, slowly walking along the tents wall. He heard people talking in the distance, some horses neighing, pots clanking, but everything seemed to be distant enough to be safe. For now.

What had happened? To find out how he got here, he first had to find out where he was. He had lost all sense of time. Those images in his head, those lights… he shook them off, felt his heartbeat in his chest, saw his breath condensing in the air in front of him. He felt the cold. He rubbed his hands together through the bandages. Why did he feel no pain? Wherever these images came from was not of immediate priority. He shook off the confusion.

He was no longer in Los Alamos.

His heart was pounding in his throat as he looked out over the tents. Occasionally a few soldiers were walking around, and he heard various noises from further away. He saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He immediately ducked back behind the tents wall. Two men in long red coats paced back and forth in front of the medical tent. One of them he had already seen. Guards.

Robert ducked back into the shadows. He silently crept back along the tent wall. Behind the medical tent it was quieter, some fire bowls illuminated the path between the tents with their flickering light, sparks flying up into the night. He was in an army camp, that much was certain. But who did it belong to? The climate was far too cold for July in New Mexico. Robert paused. How many of his last memories were even accurate? How much time had passed? At a certain point something had to have happened. The Trinity Test couldn't have happened yet, otherwise the world would be... no, that was wrong… Where did these surreal images come from... He pushed the intrusive thought aside, it wasn't important right now. He had to get out of this situation first.

With trembling steps he made his way between the tents. So he was no longer in New Mexico. Maybe not even in America.

He heard voices and crept closer to the smaller tent. Three, no, four soldiers stood in front of it in the light of a lantern and talked, laughter rang through the night. Robert stayed in the shadows and tried to understand the fragments of their dialogue. The officer and the doctor earlier had spoken to him in English, but that could all just be a well-planned ruse. Whoever brought him here had to be very powerful. Robert listened intently, breathing shallowly.

The soldiers spoke a little quieter now, but he could still make out a few bits of conversation. English. Strange. The Allies? So far he hadn't spotted a familiar flag, just a black banner with a solar eclipse on it, and somewhere else a blue banner with a gold emblem. None of this gave him any clue.

Had he been drugged? Kidnapped?

They must have found out about Los Alamos somehow, bypassed security... The Germans had surrendered, hadn’t they? Then how... But perhaps this also was just one of the images that had been implanted in his mind... If the Americans could build a city like Los Alamos out of the ground, so could the Germans. Then it wasn't far off to set up a fake army camp, filled with a secret unit that specialised in new types of psychological experiments. It was strange how old-fashioned everything seemed here. That wasn't normal. The lack of communications technology everywhere reinforced his suspicions. Isolated. Robert retreated into the darkness.

Planning. Now. What were his next steps? He had become a high-profile target through his work on the Manhattan Project. If they had wanted to kill him, he would already be dead. The hallucinations had to have another purpose. Whatever it was, Robert didn't plan on sticking around to find out.

He crept along the tents. Suddenly he tripped over something and a loud clatter echoed through the night. He swore under his breath. Shouts. Someone was approaching from the front. Robert got up and stumbled back, but the soldiers were still standing behind the tent, where should he go, help, a way out - he saw an abandoned tent on the other side of the square, the place was poorly lit - he ran.

He threw himself into the tent and crouched on the ground behind the wall, his heart pounding, almost deafening. He breathed heavily. Focus. Behind his back he heard shouts around the square, footsteps in the mud. He held his breath. They came closer, then further away again. They walked past the tent. Nobody took a look inside. They moved away. He breathed out a shaky breath. The voices moved away again.

Robert rose slowly, standing up silently and surveying his surroundings.  

The tent was dark, but moonlight shone through the opening onto a table. Robert stepped closer. There was a map spread out. The outlines were crooked, the shapes strange - he read the names, none of them in the Latin alphabet. Strange… If the map was real that spoke for a stay not in Germany but maybe in Russia… Robert looked around the tent. It all seemed very old-fashioned, probably what an underfunded army camp was supposed to look like. Just like a backdrop.

There were more maps stored in a basket next to the table. He picked one out at random and rolled it up. More strange outlines, strange names he couldn’t read, strange regions. Huh. Depicted was the border between two regions, not a thin line but a dark spot. What was that supposed to be? A lake? He held it up in the moonlight.

"What are you doing here?"

He gripped the map so tightly that it crumpled.

Robert turned around slowly, clutching the map to his chest. The two guards stood in the entrance. "What do you want from me?" Very slowly he took a step backwards.

"You should be in the medical tent, Mister Oppenheimer. The General has ordered your rest to not be disturbed." 

He had nowhere to go, nowhere to hide. He was exposed. 

"We will escort you back. Now", the man said and took a step towards him.

Robert's heart was pounding up to his throat, he pushed himself further back, the back of his legs touched the table, his hands were shaking, the map tore. He stared in horror. The man stepped toward him, hand raised. He would be there in a second. Robert blindly groped behind him for something useful, randomly grabbing something, swinging out - in an instant the man's hands touched and without warning Robert's heartbeat drastically slowed down, his body collapsed - panic in his head, screaming - then everything went dark.

Robert opened his eyes - he was back in the medical tent. He sucked in air and rushed up into a seating position. He was sitting on his cot. He couldn't wrap his head around it. They had found him. Now the morning sun was shining through the cracks in the tents wall and he blinked. So that was where his sorry attempt at an escape had led him - right back to the start. He had to think of it that way, whatever had come before yesterdays first waking moments was obscured, as if he had written it down in a letter, and that letter was now wholly dipped into black ink. The words were there, he had written them, they were underneath a stain, ink soaking through the paper - he had written them - but everything was obscured. Whatever his captors had done, it had been masterful. He had never heard of anything like that before. Strange memories, experiments with the human mind… it was so exceptionally well executed it almost felt real. From a scientists perspective he almost applauded. From his personal perspective - it was terrifying. 

He was getting dizzy. He pushed the thought to the side.

Robert pushed the blanket aside and - the bandages were gone. He looked at his hands. There were fresh red scars across his palms. How…? Footsteps on the forecourt approached the tent. More people. Suddenly the entrance was thrown open and two guards in dark uniforms entered the tent.

"Mister Oppenheimer. We are to escort you to the General's tent."

They wore cloaks and black fur hats. And guns on their backs.

Robert swallowed and stood up. Resistance was futile. He found his jacket at the foot of the cot and put it on. His movements were slow, as if he tried to drag out the inevitable just a moment longer. But it was to no use. He complied and followed the guards. They walked beside him and he stepped out of the tent. For a second the sunlight blinded him. Robert tensed. His hands were shaking. He kicked the burning thought down the stairs that led to his mental basement and slammed the door shut, leaning his whole weight against it from the outside. He breathed deeply.

A crack of thunder from the right. In a reflex Robert turned his head around, but what he saw was… a wall of darkness… black fog… thunder-

"The General is waiting," one of the guards said and with a snap Robert came back to the present. He had stopped walking.

Violently dispelling his thoughts, he continued to walk across the square between the guards, not daring to take another look at the monstrosity on his far right… his heart was banging on his chest from the inside, as if it wanted to tear his ribs apart, break out, take a leap and run. But he was too far gone now, no chance to escape anymore. He had tried, and he had failed. Now he had to face the consequences. He had to face the consequences.

They moved towards a black tent, larger than the others. In front of the entrance he recognised the banner with the solar eclipse. So the general then. That had to be the officer who had questioned him yesterday. Then he entered the tent and for a moment everything was dark. When the mist seemed to part there were multiple figures in blue and red hues of the same uniform perched upon the dark walls in a circle. In the crowd he spotted the two guards dressed in red who had found him yesterday. A shiver ran down his spine, but the men with the rifles continued to push him forward. 

Opposite the entrance at the back of the tent the general stood at a table, his back turned. The guards let go of him and Robert stood there as if on a presentation plate.

"Bring him closer." 

Slowly the general turned around. There was an aura to him Robert couldn't really name, an aura that made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. He wrung his shaking hands. Run.

"Closer."

Robert stood there in the middle, alone. All eyes on him. He took a single step, his heart pounding.

“We certainly all saw what happened,” the general said and Robert could practically taste the tension in the air on his tongue. "Well." The man pushed himself off the table and walked the distance to Robert. "Let us just make certain." Now he was standing in front of him. "Take off the jacket and lift up your sleeve."

Robert paused. From the periphery he saw the general taking a ring from his finger and putting it on his thumb. The ring reflected the light like a blade.

He stood there frozen. "What's happening?"

"Your sleeve. Please." Everything turned dark. 

With trembling hands Robert did as he was told, taking off his suit jacket, letting it fall to the ground for lack of another option and opening the button on his cuffs. 

Impatiently the general brushed his hand aside and took over, grabbing his wrist and shoving his sleeve up over his elbow. Immediately he took hold of Robert’s upper arm and somehow both of them sucked in a breath at the exact same moment. Robert stared into black eyes. The general slowly moved his thumb, and then the rings blade touched his skin and - in an instant a beam of light burst through the cut. 

Robert flinched back, but the general held his arm in an iron grip.

The beam of light illuminated the whole tent, burning hot, tearing through the tent's roof. No, it couldn’t be… No, No, NO -

Robert stared at the general, his face a few centimetres from his, the light casting his features in a bright hue, shining black eyes, lips curved up in a slight smile, almost triumphant.

Robert was so nauseous he thought he was about to pass out. None of this made any sense. Unless - In his chest everything contracted as his gaze turned away from the man’s face in front of him and he looked down at his upper arm. If this was really happening right now... the shadows... the monsters... the light from his hands... then...

The cellar door in the depths of his mind collapsed behind him and he stumbled backwards into the darkness. He fell and fell and fell - and around him waves beat, higher and higher, a thought, deep, hidden, sulking in the depths of his mind… it was lurking in the waters, now reaching up to his neck…. The Trinity test, the ending of the world, the vast field of darkness - what if it had been real?

As if he were no longer present, he felt tears running down his cheeks.

There was no point in denying it anymore. A powerful light streamed from his body and had already melted a hole in the roof of the tent, like a beacon shining up into the sky. A signal, and he couldn’t look away. A testament to his deeds. He tried, with blurry eyes, but he couldn’t look away. Everything was true.  

He couldn't deny it anymore. That just didn’t work any longer. What he saw in front of his eyes proved him wrong. So, so utterly wrong - it meant that all of this had actually happened. The Test, the light, the blast… - The waves around him deformed, pulling him under, water twisted into the cold darkness of space, expanding around him, everywhere - and then he was alone in the night, alone but for the stars, and they were shouting, laughing, do you see it? Making fun of him, do you see it now?

And the universe was mocking him, grabbing him by the neck, laughing in his face - See? - See what you have become.

Chapter Text

The tent had emptied again. Aleksander stood quietly as he watched the ray of sunlight shining through the hole in the roof towards the entrance. From outside he could hear the busy camp, hasty footsteps, horses neighing, and Aleksander was still standing in the middle of the empty tent. Lost in thought, he ran his fingers over the light brown material of Robert's suit jacket in his hand; he watched as motes of dust danced in the sunlight. 

Only slowly his heartbeat had returned back to normal, a steady, centuries-old beat in his chest. He ran his thumb over the soft fabric. After the impressive display Aleksander had given out his orders immediately and sent everyone on their way.

He squinted against the sunlight and saw his sun summoner in his mind's eye. His shining jewel. What a spectacular, breathtaking power.

For generations the old stories had told of the sun summoner, the saint who would one day come and save them. Could it really be true? Over the years, even he had sometimes doubted. But then again, there was him, he who could summon shadows, so why shouldn't there be a sun summoner too? His mirror image in power?

In the books there were pictures of a glowing saint, ancient pages decorated with intricate gold leaf details on a blue Kefta, a glowing halo behind the figure. The most widespread depiction of the sun summoner was in the form of a young woman with wavy blonde hair, a gentle face and a kind but determined look to her eyes. The image that had now revealed itself to the world was nothing like that, and somehow that filled Aleksander with a strange kind of satisfaction. Contrary to the world's expectations, no concrete image had ever appeared in his mind. He had simply waited. Whoever would come, only one thing was important - and that was their light. He didn’t know when they would come, if they would come, but he had hoped. So much. His equal. Maybe that’s where that feeling came from.

He didn’t know why but when his ring had pierced Roberts skin, it was something… other. An impulse, an underlying current, something beneath. Everything had been as expected from a test like this, the beam of light, the way its high energy even burned through the roof. But, still. He felt it. Something. It was a fleeting sensation, but he could swear, beneath the light he had almost felt some kind of heat radiating from the beam, piercing through his darkness. The sun summoners voice might have been quiet and a bit hoarse, but what lay beneath did not whisper. 

He folded the jacket and placed it at the top of his saddlebag. The sun summoner would be brought to the small palace in Aleksanders carriage, Ivan and Fedyor with him. He himself would follow on horseback. Haste was required.

Aleksander left the tent and stepped out onto the square, his things packed. Soldiers immediately came up to take care of his luggage. He walked across the square and passed a group of whispering Grisha, some Etherialki who had been looking over his shoulder during the test earlier. When they saw him they immediately stopped talking, all eyes on him; one of them held a bloody handkerchief to his nose. A fight among his Grisha? What a disgrace! Normally Aleksander would have stopped and asked what was wrong, but now he didn't, instead he walked past. The group followed him with their eyes, but Aleksander left them behind without a word. The carriage had already left. He walked quickly towards the stables, his horse was already saddled.

Aleksander got on his horse and galloped along the path, leaving the camp behind. He rode towards the forest. Alone. His thoughts were spinning around the sun summoner. Somehow he was a little annoyed. Why didn't he join them in the carriage? Of course, everything had to be quick. What would his sun summoner say while he was gone? He didn't want to miss anything. But perhaps there wasn't that much to miss, considering the man hadn't said anything since the test. His saint hadn't spoken another word. Well. The quicker Robert arrived at the little palace, the better. His safety was now Aleksander’s top priority. 

The path was bumpy and his horse galloped through the forest, racing past the trees. Thoughts were spinning around his head. Security. For some reason his heartbeat picked up again. What was that strange feeling? Again, for the thousands time in the last hours, his heartbeat picked up again. The saintsforsakened thing hadn’t beaten this fast in centuries. What was wrong with him? Just imagine, the black heretic, after the shock of the event of the century, dying of a heart attack. Wouldn't that be ironic?

He spurred his horse, racing along the path. He tried to calm down, just a silly thought, but this time something was different. Not the same strange feeling as before. Like chains, something was constricting his chest. Something was there. Faster. Now he felt it stronger. Something was off. He didn’t need to formulate any command. His heart beat and the shadows followed. His darkness rushed forward, stretching out, thick shadows weaving through the trees, swallowing the path. A rush of dizziness. Something was wrong. It was far away, but now he could feel it, something, someone invading the darkness, cowering in the shadows of the trees, anticipating.

His heartbeat was getting faster and faster, and a feeling was rushing through his chest like the tide. The water was low within, but there was something there. Something in the deep. A feeling he knew all too well. 

He felt them hiding there. There were many. In his domain. An affront! He urged the horse to go even faster. An ambush. And out there was his sun summoner.

Then he heard it - shots, screams, a single horse ran towards him, kicked up a cloud of dust, galloping past. Too far away to see, but from somewhere else he could still make out the silhouette of Ivan's shadow, in motion; Fedyor's silhouette barely sticking out from that of a trunk. Take cover, shots. They preserved. His Grisha managed.

Drüskelle. They dared - but why, why did his chest tighten, his hands grab the reins so hard as not to tremble? Anger was not the only feeling - and when he saw the carriage, the door wide open, empty, smoke weaving around the wheels, - he realized that it was fear.

Robert?

Stop. Stay in Control. The shadows were pulsating around him, he somehow held himself together, but then in the next moment he saw on a field off the road a Drüskelle hovering over a red dressed figure on the ground.

At once all shadows gathered around him, the forest in comparison now faded and pale. The shadows listened to Aleksander without any command, he led them, he owned them, he was them. With one movement, all light was swallowed in his darkness. Sometimes the shadows already understood him before he did himself. This was more than conscious thought. After all those centuries, it had become almost like instinct. Second nature. He was enraged, he was afraid, and in the depths of his darkness he blindly grasped whichever one was more powerful. He couldn’t tell anymore. 

The shadows flowed ahead, paving his path like a dark flood, announcing his arrival. He raced towards the field, the shadows his companions, and he saw his sun summoner lying in the dirt, a figure standing over him, a hatchet, he slid out of the saddle, darkness swirled around his feet, the shadows flowed up to his fingertips, and in a single fluid movement he formed the cut. The entire field was spread in darkness, ready, precise, and then he let go. Cut. The looming figure fell in on itself, bloody, dismembered body parts tumbling to the ground.

Aleksander rushed past. There was Robert, on the floor, blood splattered across his face.

„Are you hurt?“

Blue eyes wide. Pale like a ghost. „No… not really.“

Aleksander looked around. The sounds of the battle had subsided, a few shots echoed through the woods, other than that silence. „The others will have fled now they know I’m here.“ He leaned down to the sun summoner, his hand outstretched; eyes fixed on his face, voice commanding. „You ride with me.“

After a moment, Robert took his hand. Aleksander's fingers closed around his, secure, unyielding, and he pulled him up. Now he stood in front of him, Aleksander saw how he was shaking. For a moment he didn't let go of the saints hand. How could he! What had he been thinking? He could have cursed himself! 

Aleksander gently pulled Robert towards the horse that was waiting behind them, not letting go. The sun summoner followed without resistance. Eyes unfocused, barely reacting to his surroundings. He almost tripped over a root. The shadows had subsided, but the field was still pale and dull. Aleksanders heart was beating like a drum. He could have failed so badly! Almost lost his sun summoner… How long ago was the last time he had felt like that - like a stupid, foolish boy! He got up and helped Robert onto the horse. Saints! He was a strategist, a commander, a general! And apparently also a man that had lost his mind somewhere in the last twenty four hours. 

Now, his sun summoner sitting in front of him, Aleksander gripped the reins around Robert's shoulders. His number one priority was right here, so close, his back almost touching Aleksanders chest; and even though the danger was averted, the sun summoner safe and secure between his arms, he still felt this rush of uneasiness failing to subside.

“Are you alright?”, he asked again.

“I… I think so.”

And with that, without losing another minute, he spurred his horse and finally left this saintsforsaken place.

„Can we stop?“, Robert said after a while, „Please.“

„Why?“

„My tailbone is killing me.“ 

Aleksander wanted to reach the little palace the fastest way possible, but he reminded himself that even though they might not be behind the palace walls yet, his precious cargo was here just as safe as well, in his presence. None other than the black general himself was here to protect the sun summoner, and no one would dare to touch his saint in fear of being swallowed by his darkness. A very reasonable fear, he had to admit. Even though his chest was still somewhat constricted, his rational mind won out.

He stopped the horse next to a fallen tree trunk. Robert got off first, walking a few steps over the grass. Aleksander followed down, stretching his legs. He watched how the man paced back and forth. His sun summoner, dressed in some unfitting red Kefta, blood splatters on his face. He walked towards him. His saint flinched. Aleksander looked at him for a moment and handed him a handkerchief.

„For your face", he said in a gentle tone. Maybe the ambush had frightened the man even more than he had thought.

His sun summoner took it and wiped the blood of his face, looking at the handkerchief for a moment. Aleksander went back to his horse.

„What happened back there?“, Robert said after a moment. 

„Drüskelle. Elite members of the Fjerdan military trained to infiltrate deep behind our lines and kill or kidnap Grisha.“ Aleksander turned back around.

The sun summoner stared at him, eyes wide, while his hands were fidgeting with the handkerchief. „I mean how you sliced one of them in half from a dozen paces.“

Aleksander chuckled. „Would you rather I’d used a sword?“

„I just…“ His sun summoner looked at him with an expression that spoke more than any words. Pale, trembling. The look on his face was enough to see that the man was out of his wits. „That dark fog? The blade? What was that? Some kind of chemical? … How were you able to change the state of matter from gas to solid so quickly? What did you use? How did you throw it with such intensity? How… Sorry.“

State of matter? Fog? Aleksander looked at Robert intently. What was his sun summoner referencing? He was acutely aware of the fact that the man seemed to know less about Grisha than he had assumed. 

„It’s fine.“ Aleksander said and closed the distance between them. „There is matter to everything. Even air. Or shadow. Too small to see. The cut is something a summoner can do, but it requires tremendous skill. And I would only use it as a last resort. Like that ambush.“

„Shadow?” Robert snorted. “There is no point in trying to fool me." His saint turned around, walking a few steps back and forth while Aleksander stood there dumbstruck. When he didn’t say anything Robert looked back at him, clenching his teeth. "Shadows don’t have matter. I should know, I’m a physicist." He looked at him intently. "If you don’t want to tell me just say so.“

„What do you mean?“ Aleksander finally stepped up out of his trance. „They were, in fact, shadows.” He clenched his teeth. “And I should know that, Mister Oppenheimer, for I summoned them.“ In just one fluid motion he had created a sphere of shadows on his palm, commanding the darkness as he had done countless times before, as natural as breathing. His palm cradling the sphere he held his hand out to Robert. The saints answer died on his tongue as his gaze fell on the sphere, eyes wide, mouth half opened, staring at it as if it were a burning star Aleksander had just plucked right out of the sky.

„You… summoned that?“

From the sound of the question one almost had to think that this man had never witnessed the little sciences in use before. Aleksander still didn’t know anything about his sun summoners past. 

„That’s what Grisha do, Mister Oppenheimer. We are rare souls, people who can manipulate the elements of this world.“

"Are you… some kind of magician?"

Aleksander observed him for a moment. "Where are you from?“

„I’m not from here.“

„Are you from Kerch?“

"I said I’m not from here.“ Robert held his gaze. 

"You really don’t know anything about Ravka, do you?“

It almost seemed as if the man had come from an entirely different life. How was that even possible? To live one’s life in this world completely ignorant of Grisha? What has the way been like that led him here? Where did he spent the first part of his life? Aleksanders head was spinning, like a gush of wind snatching up his carefully laid out papers from his desk, making them fly through his room, swirling through the air. However. None of that mattered. If his little saint didn’t know, Aleksander would explain. He was, after all, a man of patience.

„You’ve seen the shadow fold back at the camp. They even dragged you out of it, didn’t they?“ When he got no answer he continued. „On our maps, the shadow fold is a black stain. A scar that severs Ravka in two. It was created hundreds of years ago as… an act of vengeance by the black heretic. A man who could summon shadow, just like me.“ The story how they always told them. „The fold locked east Ravka away from the sea ports on the west. The east withered and became vulnerable to attack from enemy nations in the north and south. With their powers, only the Grisha were capable of crossing the fold. They joined forces with the king in service to Ravka. They became the lifeline between the two sides of our country. But they were still hated for the sins of the black heretic. Sins felt most deeply by his descendants.“

"Grisha, magicians, how could anyone even create something like that? What even is that? How can any of this be possible?"

Aleksander startled. He had never even thought about it like that. How exactly Grisha used their powers, that must be a foreign concept to someone who had thought all his life of himself as an Otkazat'sya. For Aleksander commanding shadows was just another movement, the shadows an extension of himself, a part of him. He could create them, shape them, command them. For him it was impossible to imagine existing without that part of himself. The revelation of his sun powers must have been so confusing for his little saint.

"That’s an interesting question, Mister Oppenheimer.“ Aleksander looked out over the fields. „I suppose there is something unique to us Grisha, something that makes us able to connect with the world around us on a deeper level than others. I’m sure you will gain a better understanding of life as a Grisha when you start to experience your powers for yourself."

"Is this what has happened to me?"

"What do you mean?"

"How?!” Now Robert almost screamed. “Why is there light coming out of my body? How is that possible?!"

It was obvious the man hadn’t known of his abilities to summon the sun before the last two days.

"You are a Grisha, it’s that simple. And not just any. You may well be the first of your kind, but we’ve always had a name for you. For what we hope you can do.“ He took a step forward. „Enter the fold. Destroy it from within. With proper training, some amplification, you could be the…“

„No!“

For a moment there was silence, looming, stretching about the entire field. „No?" Careful. "No what?“

„I’m not who you make me out to be!” Robert said with furrowed brows. The sun summoners face was painted in despair. “None of that has anything to do with me! Your strange connections, summoning, I’m not one of you!" Robert took a step towards Aleksander. "You know nothing of me! Nothing!“, he shouted, „And how could you? If you knew then you’d be dead just like everyone else!" Red faced, Robert took a step back again, turning away.

Silence loomed. The moment stretched like an endless void. Then Robert spoke again.

"You shouldn’t have saved me", he said. "You should have left me to die again."

Aleksander watched his sun summoner intently, blue eyes like broken glass, sparkling, but not of relief. The sound of his voice, the sight, the way Robert held himself, his words - it all felt like opening a diary, an old book, clouds of dust emitting from the pages, a song from a thousand years ago. 

„You mean so much to all of us.“ Aleksanders voice was quiet. „You are more important than you make yourself out to be." Robert turned around to look at him again, staying silent. „Old myths foretell of a Grisha never before seen. One who could destroy the fold, reunite Ravka and redeem our people. A summoner of pure light. We have waited for the one who will deliver us from the dark place we made in the world. We have waited - for the sun summoner. We have waited for you, Sankt Robert.“

Silence.

Robert stared at him, blinking. "… what?“

Aleksander stepped forward, staring right into blue eyes. „You are that summoner. You are the promised saint.“

Robert blinked again. "I am no saint", he barely managed to say, shaky, voice breaking. He turned away from Aleksander, starting to tremble. "On the contrary! It can’t be me! Your myths are a lie!“ He swirled back around. „With every word you say I feel like I’m losing another piece of my mind… - goddamnit!" Robert started to pace around, hands in his hair, now muttering to himself, "It must be the enthropy, second law of thermodynamics, isn’t it?… I have no choice, do I? It’s real? This twisted fairy tale? My punishment?" Robert paced around. „Is this the way you want me to repent? Made me a revenant?"

Roberts pace quickened, his body shaking. Aleksander took a step towards him, placing his hand on the saints arm, bringing him to a halt at once.

"Avert your gaze from the past." Aleksander’s voice clear, assertive. "Look forward. Whatever has happened in the past is of no more importance. You have a bright future ahead."

"A future?" Robert stared at him in disbelief. A chuckle. „I suppose it’s only fair." A contemptuous laugh. "You can’t suffer when you’re dead.“

At once Aleksander had the sudden urge to take a step even closer, into the saints space. „You do not need to suffer." His voice was strong and he full of intent. "Not anymore. I will make sure of it."

Robert looked down to the ground. „But… Everyone is gone! No one… I have…“ his voice broke.

Aleksander put both of his hands on Roberts shoulders, making him stop, looking up again into his eyes. “You are Grisha." His voice was strong. "You are not alone.“

His saint was right in front of him, still shivering. Aleksander felt the urge to hold him close. He pulled himself together and instead took away his hands from Roberts shoulders. They came back red and sticky with half dried blood.

He looked down on the red Kefta Robert was wearing, it was stained badly, blood splatters all over, the side dirtied from the mud. Robert just stood still while Aleksander grabbed the fabric, letting it slide down off the man’s shoulders. He quickly got out of his own black Kefta, gently placing it around Roberts shoulders instead. Now his sun summoner stood in front of him, wrapped in darkness. Well protected. As it should be.

„I suppose it’s been a lot to fathom for one day“, Aleksander said, turning back around to the horse. „Come.“ 

Robert followed silently. Back up in the saddle Aleksander held out his hand for him to take. "You are safest in my hands."

Robert took his hand and he helped him up again. Aleksander spurred his horse.

His sun summoner was right here, dressed in his black. Somehow it made his nerves ease a bit. If the wind was biting cold through his light clothes, it barely registered. For his sun summoner was safe. For now.

Chapter Text

They rode up the path to the palace. Robert was tightly wrapped in the black uniform that the general had put on him. He barely registered the man sitting behind him. The galloping of hooves had turned into a static noise.

In his head the kettle had finally boiled over, the gas used up, the flame on the stove finally gone out. Trying to light it again was to no use, he kept fiddling with the match, striking it again and again, but not a single spark made it out. He closed his eyes, breathed out, flashes of light dancing behind his lids. Words slurring together incomprehensibly. Stars rushing past. Shattering, flying shards. A few cocktail glasses wouldn’t be nearly enough to throw.

Robert pulled the material of the uniform coat tighter. They passed through the gates and an impressive building stood out from behind the walls. Bright walls, towers that rose into the sky. The horse trotted along the path, then they reached the palace’s courtyard. They stopped in front of the entrance. The general got off the horse first and held out his hand to Robert. Lost in thought, Robert allowed himself to be helped down. He no longer cared. Without the support he probably would have actually stumbled.

The general motioned for him to go ahead, Robert turned to the castle gate and slowly started moving. Above him a balcony, statues of reared horses. The sky was overcast. Lanterns lit the archway, ornate dark iron.

“You’ll be safe here", the man said behind him after they entered the archway. “The place is the most secure building in the whole country.” Robert turned back to him. The general motioned for him to go left. “I made sure of it.”

Robert now walked ahead, seeing two guards standing near the massive door. He took a step towards them, then turning back when he noticed that the general had stopped. “Where are you going?”

„Take him to the vezda suite“, the general said to the soldiers behind Robert instead of answering. Ah. His mind had needed a moment to catch up again. 

„Am I a prisoner?“ Robert stood there, calm and collected, his outside image appearing as the complete opposite from the raging storm that had spread chaos in his brain.

The general watched him for a moment. „All of Ravka is." He looked at him with intense dark eyes. "Until you and I have banished the fold.“ He then nodded to one of the guards and left Robert standing there, all alone. For a moment he watched after him.

The guards behind him moved and Robert finally turned around. They opened the door and led him down a long hallway, large, shimmering red chandeliers illuminating the tiles. The windows were darkened, thick curtains sealing them off. His heartbeat was pounding in his throat. For a moment he wondered if the lights were gas or electric. Everything was unsettlingly different. Robert felt like walking through a museum, stuck in another time period.

The guards came to a large door and opened it with a creak of heavy wood. Robert slowly entered the room. A bang - he spun around. The door had closed behind him.

Robert slowly turned towards the room again. Silence laid down over him like a blanket of fallen snow. They were all gone. The semi-dark room spread out in front of him. The warm light from the lantern next to the door was reflecting in the parquet. Thick velvet curtains barely let in some remnants of daylight, spread out over the carpet; old luxurious furniture, a set table, fresh flower arrangements next to the door. The furniture further back was cast in shadows. The room seemed endless. Robert felt lost. 

At the very other end there was a four-poster bed, thick cushions, velvet pillows, brocade, silk. Robert had rarely seen such splendor. His house in Los Alamos ghosting across his memory like a blurred photograph. Los Alamos. Where had he gone? He was completely alone.

His throat felt tight. Nothing was the same anymore. He blinked against the feeling, but it didn't help. A strangled sob. Loud in the vast quietness. He pressed his hands to his mouth.

Why hadn't he done something - anything? He should have jumped in front of this damn button, slammed the lid and closed the box - he should have snatched the keys out of their hands, why, why?! Why!

And now he was alone. It was a shameful thought, to think what was worse - being alone or being dead with everyone else?

For a moment he tried to imagine if he had simply ceased to exist instead. Just disappeared. The laundry would just continue to blow in the wind, Kitty would be waiting for him; his wife, his children.

Footsteps in the hallway. Robert jumped, turned around towards the closed door. The footsteps moved down the hall, moving away again, a distant echo. Shakily he breathed in again, then breathed out with a sob.

He slowly broke out of his rigid state and entered the room. It was… fancy. Precious. Beautiful. Not fit to be tainted by a presence of something so sickening. He was the crack in the painting, where the canvas had been bared, every colour chipped away, the hideous thing beneath the art completely exposed. Nothing left to hide with.

Robert slowly walked through the room, this almost hall; it felt as if he was walking through a holy place, uninvited, defiling. There was a curtain next to the bed and another room behind it. He pushed the lace aside with unsteady fingers. It was a bathroom, the light from the window reflected in the bathtub. Plants, an armchair. Opulent, unfit. A display almost decadent. Robert turned around again, didn't enter, quickly went back. He crossed the room and stopped just in front of the window. The light was gloomy, the night was approaching.

A door slammed in the distance and Robert jumped. The bang echoed through the building. His heart was hammering in his chest. 

He took a few steps over to a wardrobe and opened it. A few dresses, a bathrobe, a nightgown. He closed the doors and walked over to the table. He sat down on the chair and randomly opened the drawer. A magnifying glass, a letter opener. He closed it again. With a sigh he leaned back. His eyes remained glued to his reflection in the mirror. Was that even… him anymore? A man with dark circles under his eyes, disheveled hair, a bruise on his forehead. Blood caked in dark hair. His reflection was pale, drained, slumped. He barely stood out against the darkened room. And then this black coat. He suddenly realised that he was still wearing the general's uniform. The coat of the Darkling. What a fitting name indeed. In the mirror he saw the uniform’s decorations, symmetrical embroidery on the front, occasionally even silver. He looked down at himself, dressed in this black, thick material. The two men in the carriage had said that it was bulletproof. The only word he had exchanged with them until...

Robert stood up and took off the long black coat. The fabric was soft, luxurious, unlike any uniform he was familiar with. He placed the coat over the back of an armchair. He knew very well where uniforms lead to.

Now he stood there, lost. There was no one left to blame him. He listened carefully, but it was as quiet as in the empty vastness of space. He wished he had been yelled at, grabbed, pushed to the ground, but there was no one there anymore.

You don’t get to commit the sin and then have us all feel sorry for you that it had consequences. Kitty's words echoed in his head. Exhausted, he sat on the edge of the bed as he was. You pull yourself together. Who should he pull himself together for now? Still in his clothes he collapsed onto the bed.

She said that people had depended on him. His people, his people who relied on him. But not only them. He had disappointed the world. Had dragged everything into the abyss. And now? Now he was here, rescued by a general from a foreign country who told him about a saint these people here were waiting for. And should that be him? What had the man called him, the Sun Summoner? That light from his blood... from his cut palms... that was... Robert shook his head as if to clear away the thoughts.

The universe had pulled him out of hell, grabbed him by the neck and thrown him into a new world. Why? What should happen now? What did he have to do? Why did he have this ability? Where did all this come from? What was that supposed to mean? What should he do? What was he supposed to do? What… help?! Robert shivered. He was shaking. The bed was warm but too claustrophobic, he needed fresh air, he needed to breathe, not so crammed together, he needed air! He sat up, panting; the room was dark, the sun had set. Robert didn't know how long he had been lying there.

He quickly reached the window and opened it. He breathed in the cool night air, icy wind gently swaying the curtains. Robert closed his eyes and felt the cold air on his face. He closed his arms around his chest, standing right in front of the window. He shivered. It would be better to get a jacket he thought, but he couldn't get himself to get up, didn't deserve this kind of comfort.

He squeezed his arms around himself so tightly, as if to try to - if he just squeezed hard enough - to increase his own density, further and further, until he finally disappeared, until he collapsed like a dying star.

His teeth were chattering. Robert opened his eyes. He no longer had his suit jacket, he looked around the room, the duvet on the bed was too thick. The moonlight shone through the window onto the armchair, there the general's black uniform hung over the backrest. Robert hesitated for a moment. You are safest in my hands. The man’s voice in his head. He grabbed the heavy material and wrapped the coat around himself. It was warm and soft, he folded his arms and sank into the chair by the window. Robert looked up into the night.

The night sky, full of stars. Why was he still allowed to see something that beautiful? He saw so many stars in the sky, so much brighter than ever before. He sucked in a sharp breath - he recognized them! There was Betelgeuse, Rigel, the constellation Orion. Aldebaraan shone above it, Castor and Pollux to the left. 

Robert sat quietly. Even though everything had changed, the whole world had shifted, he was under the same stars.

He leaned forward on the window sill and rested his head on his arms. He slowly breathed in the ice-cold night air, his heartbeat calmed, the smoke of his thoughts slowly cleared with the wind.

What strange abilities the rules of physics had brought about here in this place, wherever they even came from, was a mystery to him. And not just around him. Something about himself had changed as well. Involuntarily he touched his palms.

Another world. A different life? Whatever had happened to him, he was here. His memories, his brain, his consciousness. He had changed in ways he didn't understand. Everything before him was history, a history that no one could remember, no one was there anymore. No one but him. Memories that stuck to him like thousand layers of industrial glue, melted into his brain. Memories that burned like a bright light. Like the phantom of tingles on his face -

Everything was different. But he, he was still the same. He and the stars.

What did the universe have in store for him?

The people here believed in a saint. As much as he wanted to, he could no longer deny that he seemed to fit the role. But what would he make of it? Should he accept it? If he did, what would that mean?

What atrocities must these people have done to deserve a saint like him? A vile thought, unfair and hateful. He shook his head, even though there was no one there to hear him and he hadn't said anything aloud either, his thoughts only existing in his head.

Was he a saint now? Was there a God? A higher force? This simply couldn't be a coincidence. Whatever that meant. And how could one ever be more specific on such a question?

It could only be a punishment. His consciousness still there, maintained, brought back to be tormented properly. The universe demanded justice and he had to comply.

What would happen? He would suffer, that was what was demanded. But how? Did he even retain his ability to act on himself? He thought about that for a long time, the cold wind caressing his cheeks. He felt the same as before, no barriers holding back his thoughts. He had full autonomy over his mind. There was no holy choir reminding him of what was expected. He held the power of his own free will. 

Robert suppressed a sigh. And maybe that even made it all that more devastating. He was brought here to repent, and he had to do it by himself. Make his own decisions. It wouldn’t have been a true penance if the universe had taken his ability to act on his own away. He was here to repent, no question, but he was here to make the right decision this time. He still could decide what to do and what not to, how to act, and even mimic the possibility to get out of this nightmare, to make the right decision this time - but it would all be in vain. Maybe this was the true punishment. The past was done, he could never take it back.

What should he do? He was here now. And apparently a part of this new world had attached itself onto him in an act of punishment.

How was he supposed to find his way around here? He didn't even know what these summoner powers were all about. How could they be created? Wait! He pushed himself off the chair and harshly tore open the drawer. The letter opener. He had to see it for himself. It came from his blood. Was it reacting to the air? Where did the light come from? His cells? His body’s energy? It had to have something to do with his organism, that much was certain. He ran the tip of the letter opener over the palm of his left hand, fresh red scars from the situation in... with... He had to take it into his own hands now! He was glad that the nerves in his hands somehow were still undamaged, so no not there. He pushed up his left sleeve. He stared at his wrist. Robert swallowed again and then slowly pressed the sharp letter opener into the skin of his inner wrist. He pressed harder. He sucked in a sharp breath and then the blade broke through the skin.

At once the whole room was lit up like in broad daylight. Robert stumbled back, light streaming from his wrist. A steady, pulsating wave went through Robert's body. It was so bright. Huh. Something smelled burned. Where was that coming from? Robert looked up at the ceiling, a charred spot where the light hit. Oh God! This was inside! He quickly pulled his sleeve down over the cut on his wrist, but the light simply burned through the fabric. The coat burned and the light burst through like a beacon. He blindly reached into the drawer, a magnifying glass, no, he got to the other drawer, pulled on the handle, suddenly he had the entire drawer in his hand, he held it over his wrist, but the light immediately charred the wood. He dropped the drawer, by that moving his other wrist, the beam of light hit the wall directly next to the bouquet of flowers at the entrance. Roberts heart was beating in his throat, what should he do? He held his breath and then he just did the next best thing - he pressed his right hand on the wound. The room immediately went dark. Robert's arms were shaking. He breathed heavily. For a moment he just stood there hunched over, pressing his hand to his wrist. After a few moments, he carefully loosened his grip. It remained dark. In the moonlight he could see a drop of blood rolling over his skin. He lowered his hands, back to his side. He closed his eyes and breathed out.

Robert slowly opened his eyes again. The room was dark. How could he… Something smelled burned. Robert looked down at himself - the coat! The lower part of the sleeve was completely destroyed. Everything smelled like burnt fabric. Robert took off the general's uniform; his shirt's sleeve was also half burned. The cold night air got him shivering.

Bad air or a cold? The decision was made quickly and Robert went over to close the window. He couldn't stay like that. He was tired to the bone. He got out of his clothes, only now realising that the Trinity test site badge was still attached to his belt.

Wait - if that was still there - the dosimeter! He grabbed his neck - but in vain. Nothing there.

He must have lost it in the - in the - No, couldn't think about that.

Robert placed the general's scorched uniform coat back over the armchair, his shirt and trousers over the other. He went over to the closet. He grabbed a simple white nightgown, that would have to do. Robert put it on, shivering, and crept over to the bed.

Now he was under warm covers. These strange powers, it definitely had to have something to do with his blood. He lay half awake in bed, in a state of twilight, too exhausted to be awake, his thoughts too agitated to sleep. Robert turned on his side.

Near zero. Near. Not zero. The theory only got you so far. Why wasn't it enough? Why hadn't he stopped? He should have published the calculations, as Albert had advised him to do. Should have stopped everything in time. He should have told the world, they should have seen it. Maybe it would have been enough. It should have been enough! Why! Why hadn't anyone stopped him?

He put his hand on the duvet and thought of Kitty. Her bright and sharp mind, her soft smile, her intelligent eyes. He heard her voice in his head, the way she spoke, the way she had told him to keep it together.

When he had lost Jean, his world had collapsed. He had hurt his wife so much. And now? Why hadn’t there been anything else that could have stopped him? He was biting down on his lip, drawing blood.

Robert stretched out his hand over the blanket, but there was no one to touch it on the other side. Just his hand on an empty pillow. A tear rolled down from the corner of his eye.

He couldn't bare to look at the ring on his left hand anymore, quickly he took it off and put it under his pillow. He grabbed the blanket up to his neck and closed his eyes tightly.

What would happen if he would kill himself? Wake up in yet another universe, where he would find horrors even more inhumane? Did it matter? He had nothing to lose. He wrapped himself tighter in the blanket. The universe would just carry on and on. Like an epiphany an old story came to the forefront of his mind. Just like the figure of the old myth he had played with fire - had pried secrets from the cold grasp of the universe, had handed them over to man; he had gathered students around him like believers and had taught them like a prophet. He had grasped what wasn't meant to be held in mortal hands. 

It wasn't that he had learned about the fire - but that he had used it. The blazing red, burning white fire over the desert, turning night into day, illuminating the skies like a billion suns. For this the universe now had chained him, just like Prometheus had been; but instead of a rock it had chained him to life - to be tortured for all of eternity.

When Robert dreamed, it was of burning sheets on a clothesline… cloths incinerating somewhere only he would ever remember again.

Chapter Text

He stood in a cathedral, all around him flying sparks, glittering in the red drowning sun. The air, the molecules, the atoms, down to the quantum particles, swirling around like water carried in waves through the endless ocean; bundles of light flashed past his head, hissing ribbons, thin threads, high frequencies, wires under tension whirling around. Then the particles clumping together, brightening, changing their unpredictable motion into a direction, downwards, falling, snow. Antlers, frozen. Icicles falling down. Fur. A… stag? Suddenly it turned its head around, Robert saw a shimmer, the antlers came together like a circle, moonlight shone through the middle, a roaring, a blaring light - With a gasp Robert sat up. He was in bed. He blinked against the morning light.

Steps.

Suddenly the door swung open. A woman entered, crossing the room with determination. She had red hair and was wearing a light cream-colored uniform. Behind her came another woman... one two three... finally they entered, all together seven - ? Robert was sitting upright in bed, the covers pressed close to his chest. 

The red-haired woman was standing next to his bed, leaning in. „Saints! Have you ever bathed?“, she exclaimed, holding the gold spotted fabric of his canopy to the side. „And what happened to your face? This is gonna take more work than I expected…“ She snapped her fingers. „Fetch my kit.“

Holding the blanket tightly in front of him Robert watched some of the women, presumably maids, leaving to the bathroom. Another one surged forward, he flinched, she grabbed his arm, almost dragging him out of the bed. He shuddered the arm off, standing up, getting out of the bed on the other side. Immediately one of the women took hold of him and pushed him past the redhead into the bathroom. Before he knew it, multiple maids were tugging at his clothes like on an assembly line. He wanted to interject, but the next moment he already sat in the bathtub. Two maids grabbed his arms and started to clean him with sponges. 

The redhead sat on the armchair and watched. The servants said something in a language that sounded a bit like Russian.

„Stop, stop, stop!“, he exclaimed, holding his hands up in a defensive motion. "I am perfectly capable of washing myself!“

The woman in the chair cleared her throat. „In an hour, you’ll be presented to King Pyotr, and General Kirigan has asked that I make you look presentable.“

General Kirigan. Robert realized, somewhat embarrassed, that he had heard the general's name for the first time today.

„I am to meet the king?“, he asked about the second epiphany of the day.

„In an hour.“

„Oh.“

„Yes, 'oh'. so let’s get on with it!“ She motioned for Robert to come out of the bath. He stood up, covering himself, gladly accepting the velvety bathrobe that was offered. Now he stood there, as if on a presentation plate.

„I’d start by making his eyes look less like a soulless void, Miss Safin“, a maid remarked from the side. 

Robert stopped in his tracks. Miss Safin tensed. He stared at the group of women. The eyes were the windows to the soul after all, weren’t they? 

„Everybody out.“ Miss Safin clapped her hands. The maids scoffed but turned around, walking out of the bathroom, leaving his room. 

He just stood there. Miss Safin looked at Robert who held her gaze. She held the courtain opened for him, slowly he followed out of the bathroom.

Full of purpose she walked over to the dressing table. Robert stood there just a few steps out of the bathroom door.

„Thank you", he said quietly.

„Happy to get rid of the miserable shrews", Miss Safin said while she opened a large box. „I don’t pick my staff. The queen assigns them. Mostly so she can spy on me.“

Spy? Robert looked at her intently, she was organising her equipment. Silence spread in the room.

„Don’t change my eyes.“

Miss Safin looked up from her box, a sad smile on her lips. „I don't care that you don't fit the image of the saint that the books promoted“, she said, slowly closing the distance. Softly her fingers touched his cheek. It felt… gentle. „I care that you look terrible.“ He was struck as she ran her fingers over his face, as gentle as the springs breeze. He stared at her wide eyed. „Some of this is surface, but some of it runs deeper.“ With her thumb she touched his lip, a tingling feeling. He touched the place, somehow the bite from the night before was gone. 

His eyes widened. „How did you…“

„I’m a tailor. I can fix, but I can also modify.“ With her other hand she gently ran over a bruise on his forehead, the tingling feeling returning again. 

„Is that… another type of… Grisha?“

„I’m almost as rare as you, though I’d hardly say saving the queen from sagging tits makes me as important as you.“ A sigh. „Important to the queen, of course, and she does not like to see cracks in her porcelain."

She gently took a hold of Robert’s right arm, lifting up the sleeve. She ran her thumb over the cut that was left from yesterdays test by the general. With one movement of her thumb it was gone. Robert inspected the skin on his upper arm. It was perfectly unharmed, completely renewed.

He looked at her with shimmering eyes. „How does this work? Are you accelerating the cell renewal speed?“ His voice was full of wonder.

Miss Safin looked up from his arm. "Cell renewal? I’m unfamiliar with that concept, Mister Oppenheimer, I’m sorry." Again. Robert suppressed a sigh. Different standards. He should have told himself that by now. His questioning was pointless. 

Miss Safin continued. She took Roberts hands, her finger brushing his left wrist. He sucked in a breath. She gently turned it over, exposing the cut from last night. She fixed him with a look that Robert couldn't really interpret. All positive attitude had washed off her face, leaving a kind but concerned expression. With a gentle touch the cut was closed, no scar left.

"Please don’t", she said softly, looking him directly into the eyes while she gently held his wrist, even though it was already healed. 

Robert averted her gaze, looking off to the side. If he had told her that the whole truth were that it had been an experiment, deep inside he knew he would have lied.

"If you ever want to talk… I’m here."

"… thank you“, he mustered.

She gently opened his hands and turned his palms towards her. He looked down. So many scars. The reminder of his trip to hell. The consequences, visible, on display. He didn’t deserve too look at his hands unscarred ever again. Gently but with intent Robert closed his palms. „These are reminders.“

„Sentimental“, she said and smiled again. Oh if she knew. „I’ll work on that too. But for right now“, she said with a snap, „Sit.“ She pointed to the chair. Robert followed, took the mirror she handed him. 

"Call me Robert, please."

She looked up from searching her box. „I’m Genya.“. At that Robert somehow mustered his first smile in a long time.

She got back to rummaging the box and grabbed a string of shimmering brown crystals, tigers eye he assumed. „This will do nicely.“ She got close and ran a hand through his hair. He held up the mirror to see her movements. Somehow Genya had a calming aura about her that made him ease. She held the crystal string and ran her hand over his hair again, leaving behind a sheen, making his hair seem exceptionally healthy. 

„It only lasts a few days“, she explained.

„How did you find out? That this was something you could do?“

„Testers found me when I was eleven. That’s when General Kirigan gifted me to the queen.“

Robert frowned. "Gifted you to the queen?" He turned around and stared at her.

She didn’t meet his eyes, talking over the question. „But I’ve been working on myself since I was three.“ Genya clearly wanted to switch the topic, and even though Robert was thinking a couple hundred miles per hour he kept his mouth shut. 

General Kirigan gifted Genya to the queen? This woman had been handed over like property? She had been a child, she just, and, he - with a new world came the same old nightmares, he supposed. Backward capitalist exploitation apparently seemed to haunt one even after one's death.

He remembered the trip to the small palace. The general had told him how difficult life was for Grisha in this world because of some action by one of his Grisha ancestors. He felt a heat rise up inside of his chest, blood pressure rising. And this man, who was himself a Grisha, should support the regime in this slavery? Out of the corner of his eye he looked over at the black coat on the chair. Robert tried to calm his breathing again. He closed his eyes. However bad it sounded, he didn’t know about any of the contexts at the moment. He had already experienced too much to trust blindly. But, who was he to judge the man just as blindly? Robert had barely spent a full day in this world. Who could say what it all meant? Still, it communicated more about this place than the need to stay on guard. 

And now here he was, apparently one of those Grisha, even though he couldn’t claim to get it. A Grisha. And a special one at that. He was to be introduced to the king, the king of a country where a group of people was discriminated against, disadvantaged; a place where serfdom existed. Experiences that sounded uncomfortably familiar to him. A cold shiver ran down his spine, a realisation gripped his ankles with cold, wet hands. Water washed desert sand around his legs. You were only worth as much as you were useful.

He knew very well what he was in this place. He knew exactly what his person meant. Because it was a concept so familiar. A concept as if he had recreated it himself.

"Robert? Robert!"

"Huh?"

Genya was leaning over his shoulder. "You’re so pale, is everything alright? It seems like your mind is somewhere else."

"Just thinking…" and oh he was thinking.

Genya took another thing out of her suitcase, she held her hand over it and immediately took the object out of Robert's field of vision. With her free hand she touched Robert's cheek, wiped her finger across his chin, suddenly he looked freshly shaved.

In that moment the door opened. A maid brought in a suit, similar to the one Robert had worm himself. It was a slightly darker brown fabric and included a white dress shirt as well. Robert got up and walked over to the armchair where his old clothes were placed. Genya was busy packing away her utensils. Robert stood in front of the armchair, took his tie from the back and put it over his arm. He came to his suit trousers and belt. He hesitantly touched the badge.

For a moment he stood there, blank. Genya had come over, looking over his shoulder. "What is that?"

The badge was in his hands. “Identification."

She looked at him in interest, waiting for clarification.

"I had another one“, Robert said. „This is my test site badge."

"What does it say?" 

He turned to look at her. The numbers where printed in solid, readable black. "Fourty-seven", he said.

Both were silent for a while.

"Will you put it on?", Genya asked then.

"I’m not sure.“ If he said it to Genya or to himself, he didn’t know.

She gently patted him on the shoulder. „It says something about you, doesn’t it? If it was for identification, its something individual. Keep that. Don’t let go of what makes you you.“

Robert blinked a few times, vision blurring. 

He was the only thing left of his world. Him and the identification badge on his belt. Where once there had been hundreds, now it was the only one; no others, no context in which it would have meant anything.

"I’ll go clean up the bathroom while you change, alright?" With that she left him alone, though he could still hear some soft clanking noise from the other room.

Robert put on the fresh clothes, adding his tie and belt. He weighed the badge in his hand. A reminder of his past. Maybe it was fitting. He clipped it to his belt, as he had done so many times before. Once dressed, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked different, but actually all the same. Just a scientist from Los Alamos, nothing new. And the plaque on his belt, circled in the same blood red colour like the fresh scars on his palms - two reminders of one nightmare.

"You look good, Robert! Are you ready?" Genya stood in the doorway to the bathroom, smiling at him in a way that made him ease a bit again. 

"Well… not really." 

She gave him a quick laugh, followed by a sight. "Don’t worry, you’ll manage!"

With that Robert turned to leave, walking past the group of armchairs and over to the door. With every step he slowed down, got slower and slower, his gaze fixed on the bouquet of flowers next to the door. Hypnotised. Flowers that had bloomed fresh and lush yesterday evening were hanging limply, completely wilted; yellow leaves, scrunched up petals falling half off. How could that - his hands were shaking. Last night. He clenched them into fists.

Visible light was nothing else than waves in a specific area of the electromagnetic spectrum. A certain wavelength, corresponding to a certain frequency, a certain energy. The shorter the wavelength, the higher the energy. Electromagnetic waves in the visible light range did not have enough energy to penetrate the body, to get under the skin, to radiate through cells, not like this; this was not just light, this was the feeling of a phantom pain, a tingling on his face as the pressure wave rushed closer, a scream in his ears; this, this bouquet of flowers; this was crumbling the strands of DNA, tearing apart the molecules, blasting electrons out of their orbits - this was ionizing radiaton. 

To achieve an effect like this - he couldn’t deny it. He recognised every sign. What was streaming out of his body was visible light, yes, but not only this - his blood had to emit more than just this part of the electromagnetic spectrum, visible light accompanied by something else - such high-energy, such a high dose, that it had given the plants radiation damage. His whole body was shaking. He vaguely felt Genya talking to him, the sweat leaving trails on his forehead.

This was so much worse than anything he could have imagined. This was the chariot of doom, not racing towards him, but crashing into his body at full speed, shattering his bones, ripping his limbs apart, bursting his skull, scattering his guts across the weirdly old fashioned cobblestone street.

He slowly looked down to his hands, trembling, he opened his fists. This was him, finally; now he knew exactly what he had become.

Roberts head had shut down. He was just putting one foot in front of the other, walking to his scaffold, staggering through endless halls. It felt as if the world was muted under a shroud of snow. He had a fur hat on, with a veil attached covering his face under gold detailed lace. He was glad his eyes were obscured. 

He stopped in front of a mirror, staring at nothing at all. He missed his porkpie hat.

"No one can see you until King Pyotr does.“ Genya motioned at his head. „Sadly this is how the king expects an important asset to appear. Shielded from other people’s eyes. He cares little for others life’s. Doesn’t care for hardships, the real life or sacrifice.“

Robert only heard the words with some delay, blindly stepping out of the view of the mirror and following Genya, steps not feeling like his own, every movement obscured through a haze of falling snow.

"The king expects to see a humble man rescued from the fields by his army", she said while walking. „This way."

They walked through a long corridor, each of Roberts steps was muffled, as if muted by a thick layer of snow. To his left was a room, he could see rows of shelves full of books. He wanted to take a step towards it, but the look that Genya gave him stopped him. „Is that a library?", Robert asked, for a moment seeing through the snowfall. "Is it available to all of us?“

Genya almost smiled, barely lifting the corner of her mouth. „Everything here is available to all of us. The general built this home for us so we can thrive.“ She continued down the hallway. „The King wants to take the credit for you.“ They left the library behind. „You’ll get a Kefta once he’s witnessed your power.“

Robert didn’t stop in his tracks, not even flinched. He knew that this was what the meeting was meant for. He knew what he was meant to do, what that would entail, a realisation that had been as obvious as it had been horrific.

Genya just motioned him to follow, and he stepped back into the thick fog. He was treading on a soft floor. Maybe it wasn’t snow. Maybe it was ashes.

They walked through a dark stairwell, a lantern with warm light shone over the steps and was reflected in the banister. Old paintings hung on the wall above them; although Robert couldn't tell what was considered old here or what was just his own perspective. He put one foot in front of the other, completely lost. He looked on the floor, didn’t notice much anymore. 

Genya just kept talking. „By all accounts, it’ll be King Pyotr, the queen, crown prince Vasily and the kings spiritual adviser, the apparat. He’s this greasy rat…“

„Say one wanted to leave the little palace…“, he mumbled, but Genya didn’t even turn to face him. 

„But everything you need is here", she said while they descended the staircase.

The guards opened the glass door to the outside.

Robert's heart was pounding. "Has anyone ever escaped?"

"Planning on making a breaking on it?" Robert winced. He lifted the veil out of his face, the general was walking next to his right.

"I'm hoping that such drastic measures won’t be necessary", Robert answered as if automated.

General Kirigan went first, Robert followed him, the gate in front of them was already opened and gave a clear view of the palace. The sky was overcast and foggy, the morning light enveloped the square in a hazy layer. Fountains sprayed water into a pond. They walked side by side in silence.

„I think the grand palace is the ugliest building I’ve ever seen“, the general said walking next to Robert. He was wearing the black uniform, a so called Kefta Robert had learned. Like the one he had given to him yesterday. Oh well.

„How was your rest?“

„Good", Robert answered like clockwork. Images of a beam of light hitting the wall right next to a bouquet of flowers flashed before his eyes.

They walked down the steps together, side by side, onto the forecourt. Birds were chirping from the palace gardens.

Robert by now had realised that he couldn’t help it but be gripped by a strange wave of uneasiness every time he saw a strong light. The dark uniform had somehow calmed him down yesterday, he had wrapped it around himself like a barrier… And now he was just walking next to the man himself, who had helped him take his first step into this world, told him about some of its stories, had observed these strange abilities in him, was probably involved in the politics of this place; there was so much Robert didn’t know - but he had no mind capacity for it now.

In his head, his mind was fighting before shutdown. A wildfire had broken out, screams, flames everywhere. These abilities... and now this presentation for the king too... there it was, the question: How would he decide this time? Only now it was not his project, not the gadget, not a bomb... now it was him himself... a... he -

„You wore a ring, yesterday, didn’t you?“, General Kirigan said from the side unprompted.

“What?" Robert turned to look up, the taller man was still looking straight ahead.

"Your ring. You aren't wearing it today."

Robert blinked, looked down at his hand, as if he actually had to confirm it first and didn’t perfectly remember how he had stuffed it tightly under his pillow last night. 

„I… I took it off.“

For a moment they just walked next to each other, footsteps crunching in the gravel. Silence stretched over the forecourt like endless silk threads.

„You wore it on your ring finger“, the General said and Robert turned to look at him again, from the side he could see the man clenching his teeth. His mind was completely blank. Mentally he grabbed at his consciousness to react. Robert looked back down in front of him, kept walking. After a few moments he spoke. „It was my wedding ring… a remnant from another life.“ Death did us part, he didn’t say. It was my fault, he said neither. "May I ask you something?", Robert said instead.

"Go ahead."

"The way the Grishas powers work, the way you used your magic-“

„It’s not magic,“ General Kirigan interrupted, "its science. Or rather, small science.“

Robert stopped in his tracks, making the general stop a step after him. His heart was beating so fast, all haze forgotten. „Small Science? You mean subatomic particles? You’re this advanced? Oh my god, is this actually applied quantum physics?“

General Kirigan looked at him with raised eyebrows. "Im not sure I understand your inquiry, Mister Oppenheimer."

Robert blinked. “Oh.“ They resumed walking. Oh wow. He was stupid, wasn’t he? Only because the man had said small science, his distorted mind had come up with just any explanation, making him hear only what he wanted to hear. The technological level he had witnessed so far was so antiquated; ludicrous to think that they would know of a field of physics that had been even in his world revolutionary.

Roberts heartbeat had finally gone down to an acceptable level again. “What about the act of summoning? Can you tell me more about its physics?"

„We do not conjure from nothing. We manipulate that which already exists around us.“

"How does your control over that work? The range of it?"

General Kirigan didn’t answer immediately. "I believe we are born with a special kind of connection to the world around us, each one to a specific part of it. I am connected to the shadows, the same way others are for example to fire, to water, or even to living organisms. This connection is unique for every Grisha, I believe. You will find yours, I’m sure of it."

"You make it sound so easy.“

„A bird makes flight look easy. But it was born to do so.“ The general gave him a slight smile.

Robert looked back to the ground in front of him. Noise was ringing in his ears. The presence next to him felt… dark. Comforting in a way. At least something to dim the bright lights in his mind… the brightness… he snapped back to reality, to the impending doom. Why was he just walking and talking like that? Why was he so distracted?! He should stop it, stop it while he still could! No king could put a claim on a man that wasn’t truly a saint, a paradox that could pretend they weren’t real. He looked into the generals eyes, steady, heart beating up to his neck. "Im sorry, but we’ll have to stop here. I’m not going to present my powers to the king."

For a second there flickered something over the mans face Robert couldn’t catch, it was gone before he had a chance to read it. Now the general just looked at him… questioning. “Excuse me?" His voice was quiet, but there was some kind of tension underlying in it.

He was well aware that the man who had brought him to this place wouldn’t be happy about his decision. Robert breathed in and out to steady himself. “I can’t do this."

The general stepped around quickly, now standing right in front of him. „You really think you can’t? Do you believe I brought you here to make a fool of you?“ His voice was quiet, but each word was spoken with emphasis, and Robert felt the tension rising. „To make a fool of both of us?“ His eyes were fixed on his. Robert stared, the generals eyes were so dark he couldn’t make out where his iris ended and his pupil began. „Just keep your focus on me, and you’ll be fine. Once he sees what you can do and we have his blessing, you will remain here to train.“

Remain here. Did Robert really want to stay? If he was really the saint everyone thought him to be, he would be in danger outside of the palace walls. He had already experienced that, first hand. Even if they only suspected it, it would be over. Making it on his own out there was just plainly unrealistic. Robert wasn’t familiar enough with this world to come by without attracting any attention. This option was to no use. But… did it matter? What could he do, anyways? Running around as if he was driving through the desert with a nuclear bomb on the loading area? Or creating another gadget, controlled by the military again? Kill himself and start the cycle of horrors again and again and again? He knew better, this time. Any prospect was horrifying. It wasn’t just his abilities. It was his body. His whole being. It was truly worse. The punishment finally locking into place. The universe had truly outdone itself.

"I don’t want…", he started with a shaky voice, but the general just talked over him.

„We'll just go there, you’ll make a small light, confirming your powers, and everything will be fine." 

General Kirigan put a hand on his shoulder blade, steering him in the direction of the palace. It did not feel comforting. In his mind there was so much noise, the fire burning, people screaming, slowly the sound of footsteps on gravel died in his ears. Before Robert could in any way react, they had already arrived. General Kirigan put the veil on Roberts hat down again. The doors were held open for them and more guards followed them into a bright entrance hall. He couldn’t hear any steps, just this tingling feeling on his face again. Everything was too bright. There were many Grisha already waiting, wearing Keftas in red, blue and purple. The guards walked behind them, the group of Grisha followed them too. A door was opened and Robert walked through. He wanted to turn around, wanted it all to end there, but the hand on his shoulder held him in a tight grip, steering him forward, his legs didn’t obey him anymore. No, he couldn’t even give any command. A huge hall opened up behind the threshold, side by side they walked down the marble steps.

In front of him was gold, glittering everywhere. Lush flower arrangements adorned the railings, the blue pennants with a golden emblem, obviously the coat of arms of the kingdom that he recognised from the army camp. On the intermediate level of the stairs, Robert slowed down and let his gaze wander over the hall. On the floor in front of them was a mosaic, again the coat of arms of the royal family; people in opulent clothing stood in rows all around, presumably the nobility, with soldiers behind them. At the other end of the hall on the intermediate step of a wide staircase covered with red carpet were the queen and the king and their advisors. 

He looked over at the general, who was walking down the steps, Robert next to him. The nobles whispered among themselves. Without further ado, the general stepped into the middle of the hall and stopped on the mosaic. Robert looked over at him, the man was standing firmly looking up at the royals.

The king made a small gesture with his hand. Robert stared ahead. "Take off your hat," the general whispered next to him. As if in a trance, Robert lifted the gold-embroidered fabric. He took off his hat, immediately a woman was there to take it from him. Silence filled the hall. His heart was pounding, even louder than the screams.

„I thought he’d be taller“, the king said. 

„I thought he was young! But,“ the queen said with an unmistakable underdone of disdain, „well, I guess he’s young enough.“

Robert’s heart sank. He looked over to General Kirigan. 

„He is Kerch, isn’t he?“, the Queen said. „Tell him… oh I don’t know, uh… good morning.“ The woman next to the queen started to speak, it sounded strangely familiar to Dutch, but not quite. Maybe a dialect, but Robert didn’t listen anyways. He was gone. He was staring at the empty space in front of him. He was screaming. His mouth didn’t move.

„… don’t think he understands Kerch", the woman said to the queen.

„Then what are you?“

A scientist. His gadget personified. A revenant. A horror beyond imagination. A monster caught in a trap. No one knew. Robert looked back, there were all of the Grisha that had followed them. Staring at him like predators. 

„He is Robert Oppenheimer“, the general suddenly spoke up. „The sun summoner, moya tsaritsa.“ With that he bowed. „He will change the future“, the general said, a bit more quietly. Robert looked to him, unsure for whose ears he had said the last part. „Starting now.“ 

Suddenly the general lifted his right hand. There was a sound - deep, rumbling noise resonating from the walls. The hall darkened, black smoke, mist crawling up the walls. The light from the window dimmed, cast out, the room filled with darkness. Robert stared at the shifts of dark smoke, weaving through the air.

The general had his gaze fixed on him, then the hall was darkened, he took down his hand, walked around to stand in front of Robert. Robert looked up at the man, behind him the cast out sunlight from the windows, light kept out behind the glass, not reaching inside. It almost seemed as if there was something inside this hall, something so heavy inside the air, that it kept the light out like a veil. Dark eyes were staring at him, in the low light he couldn’t even make out the white of the man’s eyes anymore. Robert gazed into the abyss, and the abyss was staring back. His heart was drumming in his chest.

The general leaned in closer, whispering in his ear. „Now call the sun.“

Robert leaned away from him, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up. No, no… He looked back to where the king and queen sat on their pedestal. Whatever the universe had done to him, he deserved it - but he was still the master of his own decisions. He was here to atone. He would never forgive himself for what he’d done, never. He didn’t deserve mercy. But that didn’t mean that he hadn’t learnt from his mistakes. 

"I can’t", he whispered.

"Yes you can." The generals voice was sharp. 

What did they want from him? Could someone else just make him a… The monstrosity he had seen… the thing of his nightmares… the creature… this place wasn’t hell… it was real. Supposed to destroy it… But it wouldn’t end there, would it? The king, the military, everyone observing him, staring at him like piercing lances into his body… a wilted bouquet of flowers, a hand with peeling skin… blood on hospital sheets… once they knew what he was capable of…

"Stop!" He spoke up. "I don't want any of this! You cannot make me a sai-…" but suddenly the general leaned back, and at once he grabbed Robert’s wrist.

There was a current, energy flowing through his body, spinning particles in his head - a light erupting, a sphere around them both - It was blinding, Robert flinched, sucked in a breath, he stared at the hand where the general held his wrist in a tight grasp, his own skin looked like it was made of light, he was so nauseous he thought he was passing out - This static noise, or was it silence, this grip on his wrist moving, up to his sleeve, not directly on his skin anymore, the light dimmed down, the shadows receded - and everyone was clapping - he was going to throw up - staring into the abyss, his vision went blurry, his chest was constricted - Robert ripped his arm out of the tight grasp, turned around, and then he ran. 

The crowd immediately parted and made way for him, he stumbled up the stairs, he pushed through the door and ran outside. He couldn’t even see properly anymore. 

He knew very well what he was, here, in this court, in this country. What he was in this world. He knew very well what his person meant. It was all the same - You start with a problem, a menace, a war, a shadow fold, you need to get rid of it, destroy it, end it all. To end a war you need a weapon - a bomb with the power to end the world. And to destroy a monstrous abomination of darkness? What do you need for that? A sorcerer? A scientist? A saint? 

No. 

What you need for that, for anything, for everything, it’s all the same - the only thing you need is a weapon.

Chapter Text

With a sharp tug Robert had broken free from Aleksander’s grasp. Blue eyes stared at him, shimmering, like stormy clouds hovering over an endless, wild ocean. And then he turned around and ran. Aleksander stared wide eyed. Heat scorching his veins. If his blood was boiling, it would have been an understatement. He was dumbstruck, standing there like ordered and not picked up, internally debating the urge to take the step to go after the man or to slash the floor into darkness, when the king spoke up. 

„What did you bring me here?“

This man - 

„Destroying the fold will be no easy feat." Aleksander had lived enough centuries to have control over himself in such a situation. Still he clenched his fists so hard his nails dug into his palms, making them tremble, his voice in turn staying ever so steady. „The sun summoner alone may not be able to do it“, a cough from the side interrupted him, „but I will step in too. He will remain with me at the little palace to train - undisturbed.“

„Find a solution - quickly. Our wars have been a noble pursuit, but this chatter from the west about becoming a sovereign nation, that needs to stop. The sooner we are one country again, the better.“

„Agreed, moi Tsar.“

The king rose. "A word, General Kirigan."

There was heavy silence in the hall. His footsteps echoed unnaturally loudly on the stairs. Some wheezing noise behind him. Aleksander didn't turn around and went up the stairs, following the king as he walked across the gallery into a side room. He heard murmurs breaking out behind him, but he didn't turn around. The fact that it was getting louder and louder in the hall, almost bordering on shouting as he strode across the gallery left him cold as soon as the door finally closed behind him. He reached the study via a small hallway, the door already wide open. Aleksander entered. A stack of papers was already scattered across the floor.

"Did this man just seriously try to... refuse?" The king paced up and down the study. Aleksander closed the door behind himself. He stood just behind the threshold. The king collapsed into an opulent armchair at the massive desk. "How dare he...!"

"Moy Tsar, please." Aleksander took a step into the room. "The presentation was successful, there is nothing to worry about. Mister Oppenheimer's abilities have been proven. He will be trained and…"

“And what?” The king jumped up again from the chair he had been sitting on. “Who does he think he is? To put himself above his country like that? Above his king?"

"Im sure that the sun summoner didn't mean to..."

"This scum is supposed to be our saint? This man is nothing more than an egoist who is abandoning our nation! The sun summoner cannot be such a coward!"

Aleksander’s heart pumped faster. His hands were already clenched into fists. He tensed the muscles in his arms.

"Give him time. You've seen the extent of his power, he's still overwhelmed by it. Nothing you can't get out of him. I'm sure with the right training -“

"Someone like that doesn't deserve this power!" The king shouted with a punch on the table. "Everyone saw how he ran away! We have no use for trouble like that! Why did you bring me such scum anyway?"

Aleksander straightened. Posture tall and imposing. How dare he - “I brought you a saint and you-”

The king snorted. "Don't give me that impression, oh I'm telling you! You're deluded, you naive believer! You can wave your shadows around as much as you want - you're no better than the other Grisha!" The king walked around the table and took a step towards him. “I don’t care at all about all these saint-stories. What matters is real politics. The revolution in the west will be stopped, no discussion! I will get our army to the other side of the shadow fold no matter how! Go on, come up with something. If your sun summoner can't do that, then just send others! It's that simple. Grisha have to be good for something else except cannon fodder, right?“

Aleksander wanted to peel the condescending grin on the king's lips off his face. "Give him time. The task is no small one, moy Tsar. He lacks confidence. Training. He will not disappoint you."

“Is that so?” A derogatory, mocking laugh. “The one who truly disappointed me today is you. Why should I even listen to you again after this fiasco? You with your nonsense about a damn saint. Hah, don't make me laugh!” He stood in front of Aleksander, stance wide. “Any ideas, Grisha? Why not try something else entirely? Build a bridge over the shadow fold?" With each sentence he got louder and louder, "Build a tunnel below? Oh wait, what did you say? There are thunderstorms in the air? Abominations underground? Well, then why don’t we just put a rail network right through the damn thing?” Shouting mixed with almost maniacal laughter. “Your Grisha can just hold off the Volcra while the workers build the rails! Let's go, send them in! Why not open a train station! Next stop shadow fold!“

Aleksander suddenly had the urge to summon something small, just for the king. He wondered what it would look like to have some shadows weaving around those ankles with the fancy shoes. To see how black tendrils of dark smog would look like around the kings neck. Wouldn’t that make a good picture? Right next to his medals and sashes. It would be such a sufficient sight.

The king raised his hand and started to poke Aleksander in the chest with his outstretched index finger. "I'll tell you one thing, Kirigan," the King spoke, practically spatting out his not-name, "this man's training is your responsibility." Aleksander stood as steadfast as a wall. The hairs on the back of his neck standing up. "I demand that he be operational within the next month or two. Make it happen. I won’t watch the uprisings in the west continue like this."

The king finally lowered his hand, turned and went back to his desk. Aleksander breathed out. He had been holding his breath unnoticed. The king stopped just next to the desk and turned back again. His voice charged, tense. "If this Oppenheimer is unwilling to use his power to destroy the shadow fold, refuses to fulfill his sole purpose - then he is nothing more than a useless piece of meat."

The blood boiled in Aleksander’s veins. Fog enveloped his vision. He gritted his teeth, how dare this man talk like that about his saint, talking like that about Aleksanders equal, dare to put his name in his mouth - "Mister Oppenheimer is unique. His powers have not been matched by any other Grisha in the past." He fixed the king with an ice-cold look, he hoped dearly he would feel it. "This is not debatable. My sun summoner is irreplaceable.“

The king fixed him with a burning gaze in turn. Aleksander stared in the same intensity, just as well. There were shadows weaving over the floor. Aleksander snapped back. Silence stretched like a string, impossibly tight, ready to snap. The king snarled. "If anything, then Ravka's sun summoner," he said deliberately slowly. "Think carefully about what you say next. You might be the leader of the second army, Darkling, but it would be a shame to forget who you are serving, General."

No, his shadows would be too sharp for this bloated neck, too clean for this rotten tendons. His shadows were too deadly, to perfectly disciplined to do it the way Aleksander yearned for. Wrap his fingers around his throat, feel the pulse quicken under his skin, then snap and break his neck so hard to splinter the bones in impossible places, let them tear his skin, make warm blood run down his arms, pooling on his elbows, dripping down, gathering in a puddle on the floor, blood running down his nose, over his chin, he smeared it across his cheek with his hand - Aleksander snapped out of it, staring at the kings red face. 

“Saints, just look what this nonsense is doing to me!” The king wiped his nose with a handkerchief. Aleksander blinked. His heart was beating like a drum. The fabric was smeared with blood.

The king had looked away from Aleksander, pressed his handkerchief to his nose and was casually sorting through a few documents. He just kept talking. “It's disgusting how this Oppenheimer stands there so smugly and refuses to help his people even though he has the power to do so! They call this man a saint?" He scoffed. "I call him a useless man who is not worth the ground he stands on.”

Aleksander knew very well that he could end this all with the mere clap of his hands, oh, even just a snap of his fingers. Drown the whole Lantsov line in darkness, bury them in shadows, slice them into pieces, even make them into monsters if he felt so inclined. But the political stage wasn’t ready yet. Not in these turbulent times, where his position might have been strong, but simultaneously hosting a new unstable variable with his sun summoner only having so recently joined his side. The king slammed a stack of papers on the table, Aleksander flinched involuntarily.

"We have neither time nor resources to deal with someone who doesn't even have the decency to make his own contribution in this country!" The king stood up from the chair, holding onto the edge of the table. His head was bright red. "I don't care how you do it, make him reconsider, manipulate him, make him submit, I don't know, torture him if you have to! This man at the moment holds the only key to conquering the shadow fold we have in sight right now.“ He leaned forward, half over the table. “You better get to work, Kirigan. Your empty promises mean nothing to me.” The king leaned back, straightened out again, an indifferent expression on his face. “A sun summoner who refuses to use his powers no longer deserves to be counted as Grisha. A man like that no longer belongs under your authority.”

Oh. The image in Aleksander's mind warped, changing at once. He would grab this man by the neck, shove him into the darkness head first, watch him struggle, hear his screams when the Volcra would fly above his head in circles. He would tie a rope around his wrists, flock him to the sandy ground, and when the monsters would come, when nightmares would crawl over the floor, he would watch how they would snarl and snap and he would bare his teeth with them and -

"Pray all you want", the king spat. "You Grisha are so blinded by all this talk about a saint. Get it done, Kirigan!"

"Of course, moy Tsar." Aleksander bowed, turned to leave. His heartbeat was deafening. He breathed in shakily. His voice was sharp, like his nature. „I’m sure the man will be forgiven who takes a saints name in vain", the heretic said under his breath and left through the door.

Aleksander's heart was pulsating in his chest as he strutted down the hallway. The whole floor darkened, he didn't even care anymore. He wanted to lash out, wanted to destroy these walls, carve it into the ceiling how much he was craving violence. He headed towards the exit. All the blunt words, the assurances of his efficiency and all the chatter were just a pretty facade. It was seething inside him. He was only vaguely aware that he was walking in the twilight wherever he turned. This disgusting king was making Aleksander more unnerved than he had been in centuries! What was wrong with him?!

Getting the sun summoner under his control… why did that make him so angry? So enraged? Was it because these plans, now spoken aloud, were revealed to the world in a way? Because they had been claimed by another, even though he had had them first? It were the words of the king, of a being Aleksander despised the same way he despised the ugly remnants of a bug to be crushed under his boots. A mouth had said, no, commanded him to go for the plans he had stored deep inside his ribcage, but now it all felt so twisted and out of place…  

And the king had said that Aleksander should use all means possible to push Robert in the right direction… he let out a shaky breath. Why was he so hopelessly enraged at the thought? The king had stated plans that were in no way foreign to him. He hadn’t said anything revolutionary that Aleksander could justifiably feel this upset about. Had said nothing Aleksander hadn’t thought about by himself already. After all the heretic had always planned to use the sun summoner for his plans once they would arrive. The opportunity hadn’t changed at all. 

But the fact that the king had said it like a command, like it was somehow beneficial for his own agenda and on top of that had dared to assume he had any say in this subject - he wanted to make Aleksander do this against his own kind, to make Aleksander listen to another in regards to his actions concerning his equal -

No. Just no.

His plans hadn’t changed. He would get what he wanted, he would bring the sun summoner on his side. Under his control. But unlike the king, unlike the remnants of this inevitably to be crushed bug, his sun summoner was something else entirely. Something worthy to be cherished, to be cared for. He would hold him in his own hands, gently and softly, but his fingers would interlock, forming a cage. He would get him there, keep him there, mould him. But… Aleksander needed his sun summoner. He needed his equal as his ally. The scenarios he imagined in his head changed shape. When he tried to think of the way he could easily get the sun summoner to follow him by force, the ugly image of the kings stupid snarl resurfaced.The sickening feeling of this man poking him in the chest sent a shiver down his spine.

No. Aleksander didn't need that. He had everything he needed to put his plans into action; so seamless, so solid, that violence wouldn't even be necessary. Totally out of place, actually. Unworthy. His saint would join him willingly, wise enough to realize the imminent truth in Aleksanders plans. Robert had told him that he was a physicist. So his sun summoner was a clever man, a scientist who even sometimes threw around strange terms Aleksander had never heard of before. It was time to get closer to the man who, despite knowing so much, apparently knew nothing about the country and its people. But maybe that was an advantage. Unbiased and blank like an empty page, and Aleksander had the pen in his hand, dipped in very dark, very black ink.

He smiled thoughtfully. Well, look at that. The king actually had given him the impetus to revise his plans again and to actually improve them. His goals remained unchanged. The way to get there, updated. He wouldn't give up easily. He would gain the sun summoner's trust, steer his mind in the right direction, and get his equal all to himself on his side. They would be united and stronger than such a stupid Otkazat'sya king could ever have imagined. An unstoppable force.

It was decided. The king would suffer for this unacceptable, ludicrous display of illusions of grandeur. Aleksander would overlook what Robert had done today. His sun summoner would be trained, by his own hands, shaped, and he would be perfect. 

He quickly arrived back at the little palace through the forecourt, walking straight towards a certain someones room. His heart was pounding in his throat. If he waited any longer, one of his veins would definitely burst.

He hadn't waited centuries to let some stupid king ruin things now. He had seen them all come and go over the years, the man’s father, his grandfather, and his great-grandfather before him, and so on and on he couldn't even remember their names anymore. All across the bloodline of this Lantsov scum, he had heard the words 'the king is dead, long live the king' more times than this man could even imagine. Aleksander balled his hands into fists and walked down the darkening hallway. He walked so fast, almost strutting, his cloak billowing across the floor behind him.

First task. He would take it away from him where it hurt him the most. Cutting his disgusting, dented flesh where only he could reach it. Why now? Aleksander knew everything he had to know. Why bother? Hurt him now and stop him from torturing his loyal agent for any second longer. Soon the day would come - he wouldn't do it silently, execute his coup in some empty rooms - the day would come when he would wrap his fingers around a royal neck and he would make it a spectacle.

Aleksander had arrived at the door and knocked sharply. He opened it without further ado. “Genya. I have to talk to you."

The tailor was sitting at her desk, looking up from her utensils.

"The queen doesn't feel well, I’m on my way to her, and-"

„No.“

„Sorry?"

Aleksander approached the table with firm steps. Genya sat on a chair and looked up at him with wide eyes.

"Genya Safin. You are hereby formally drafted into the second army.“

She blinked. „What?“

„You’ve heard me, soldier.“

„I - I can’t, not when there’s so much going on and -“

He looked down at her intently. „Whatever it is, that does not concern you any more. You are a soldier now. Please pack your belongings and get yourself ready. You will be transported to the army camp of Kribirsk shortly."

"I don’t understand? Why now, especially with Mister Oppenheimer here? I through… the king…“

Aleksander did not stay to answer and turned around to leave the room. He heard her call after him, but he did not wait.

As he walked away down the hall, a hint of a smile grazed his lips. There was a certain ease to his step. Grounded, unbreaking, and just as light and swift as shadows. He felt… pleased. Very pleased. He would take something away from the king, and for Genya it would mean - Making the decision to send her away had been… overdue. This was... freeing.

Now on to the other task.

He resumed walking in the direction of the Vezda suite. He needed this to work. He needed to stay in the sun summoners good graces. Finding out why the man had left the presentation so suddenly would be a good start. Aleksander mentally made a list of possible reasons Robert could have had for his behaviour today and the actions Aleksander could take accordingly. 

Robert was probably overwhelmed by his abilities and everything was too much for him right now. This was often the case with young Grisha, of which Robert was practically one of them, so to speak. He had actually refused to show his power even before the start of the presentation. But that didn't explain why he had looked at Aleksander like that after the more than successful display of powers and had ran away. Robert had looked at him so horrified as if Aleksander had done something to him, almost as if he had betrayed him personally. But everything had gone well, the sun summoners powers spectacular. So why was the man overreacting like that?

Maybe Aleksander hadn't been careful enough and should have been gentler with the saint. He had been so caught up in his tension that he was no longer thinking clearly. He just wanted to get the presentation over with so he could finally start the real work: training. But what if his sun summoner didn't want that anymore? Aleksander absolutely had to get this under control again, since a sun summoner who didn't use his power…

He took a deep breath down into his stomach. He had to get himself under control now. He replayed the encounters with the sun summoner. Robert had already given several hints that pointed to a difficult past. They are all dead. Aleksander couldn't say who exactly or what relationship these people must have had with Robert, but it must probably have been a traumatic experience for his saint. Then there was the fact that he had once been married to a person who was thankfully apparently no longer in his life. Maybe his sun summoner was scared? Scared of a future in which such a great responsibility awaited him? Destroying the shadow fold was indeed a dangerous task. When Aleksander walked past a window and saw the leaves of the branches rustling in the wind outside, he felt as if he was on the dock in front of the shadow fold again, the wind in his cloak, the rumbling of thunder in the air. Robert had seen the shadow fold. He had entered it and come out the other side. Did he - Aleksander almost stopped in his tracks. He couldn't imagine that Robert would have made the whole journey from West Ravka through the darkness by foot… How did he even get here? And then Robert's hands... the Volcra had attacked him, he had stared the horror in its distorted face - Aleksander really couldn't blame him for never wanting to go back there.

Whatever it was, there was no point in speculating about it.

For a moment he thought about the way it had felt when he had gripped Roberts wrist, the energy, the current flowing around them through the air, like splashes of water going off in all directions simultaneously. As he had held Roberts wrist, the way the light, this pure energy had made the saints skin glow, mesmerised, how Aleksander could still feel the heat under his fingertips - He wanted to see the light again, to guide him in the way to summon it, to feel the current under Roberts skin when he would guide his movements for some elaborate technique - Aleksander blinked, walking along the corridor towards Roberts suite. Breath in and out. That would come later. First he had to talk to him and further his plans. 

He stood in front of the door. Aleksander knocked. There was no answer. Should he just…? Breath in and out. Steady. He just had to make sure Robert was okay find out what the problem was. Aleksander opened the heavy wooden door. The room lay before him in semi-darkness, the curtains hung heavily over the windows, blocking the light behind the pane. He could barely make out anything in the back of the room. He felt into the shadows. There was a pulse, underlying movement. Something among the sheets. A duvet moving in the rhythm of shallow breaths.

“Are you there?”, he quietly asked into the room.

A rustling of sheets. “Leave me alone.” Robert’s muted voice came from the direction of the bed.

"Just a moment,“ Aleksander opened the door a crack and took just one step, almost hesitantly, "please."

Robert didn't answer, so Aleksander took another step into the room and closed the door behind him.

"Well…" his heart was hammering against his ribcage. Oh saints, why was he panicking now? "Your presentation was very successful, your powers were… incredible."

Robert scoffed. "Thanks." The single word was drenched to the brim in disdain. 

Alexander continued. “Even if you don’t know how to use your powers yet, we will fix that in no time, and about the shadow fold… The general plan to send you in to destroy it is not the only option. It is too early to elaborate on this, but just be assured that I would never put you in any situation you couldn’t -"

"Like how you would never put me into a situation like this?" Roberts remark was sharp. In the darkness of the room the duvet shifted. He sat up on the bed. "I did not want to present these powers and I even told you so, and yet you did this to me against my will.“

Aleksander took a step closer, no, Robert shouldn't think like that - “It was necessary, you were too self conscious and -"

An ugly snicker. "You actually think I didn’t want to present these powers because I was self conscious?" The normally quiet voice warped more and more into something snarling and loud. "That I was scared of the expectations everyone pushes onto me? I’m very much used to those", he said bitterly.

Aleksander stepped closer, on edge. "Then why did you run away so suddenly? Why did you not want to present? You cannot actually mean to not wanting to use your powers at all or-"

Robert laughed, getting up from the bed. "Oh, I can!"

Aleksander managed a laugh as well, but not a humorous one. “You cannot reject your powers, you -"

Robert shook his head, walking up and down next to the bed.

"You forced me to do this against my will and now you’re denying me my autonomy. Nice apology, great job."

"No one is denying you your autonomy,“ this time Aleksander got louder himself, „it’s just unnatural for a Grisha to suppress their powers! I don’t even know how you managed to do that for so long, that can’t be healthy and I don’t want you to -"

"Don’t try to feign concern now.“ Robert stopped in front of him, the dim light barely grazing his features. His eyes were cold. Aleksander stared. „You see me as an object. A thing you can take and use. But I will not let that happen. It seems to me that you don’t understand my willingness to step away from all of this at once. You seem to forget that I am a real person, and this is, frankly, insulting.“

Aleksander's hands were shaking. His throat felt like it was bound with a rope. “I apologize, it was not my intention to insult you, but it’s just the fact that you don’t seem to get the large picture right now, you’re not versed in this country’s politics and -“ He let out a breath. „You do not want to better the world?“

„I do“, Robert answered without wavering. „And that’s exactly the reason for the choice I made. This and what i have learned about these powers. Their dangers.“

„Dangers?" Aleksander looked at him, eyebrows raised. „Don’t you think it’s a bit too early for that?“

„I know enough. These powers are a danger to the world. What comes with them is not worth it. I refuse to use them.“

Aleksander was not having any of that. „You’ve asked me how Grisha work with their powers already twice, clearly not knowing a thing about them yourself, and now you claim they’re dangerous?“ Robert just looked at him. „Either you’re unexpectedly superstitious or you’re overestimating yourself! I honestly didn’t get an impression like that when i first met you. But now? Both options… surprise me."

"Neither is true. I’ve just made my own experiences, and those are more than enough for me to form an educated opinion on the matter.“

Aleksander scoffed. "You don’t even know basic techniques on how to wield your powers, you are not even trained, how would you know anything about them?“

„Are you doubting my intellect?“ Roberts voice was sharp. 

Aleksander got louder. „I had to hold your hand because you can’t even produce a sphere of light on your own and yet you think your powers at this stage are dangerous? If you truly believe that, then it seems that you’re overestimating yourself to the same level I underestimated your arrogance!“

„This is not about me, not at all!“ Robert spoke up, took a step toward him, quickly quieting down again. „If you knew what I know, then you would beg me to leave this place at once!“

Aleksander didn’t waver. „I have been a Grisha for my whole life, I have studied our ways, exceeded widely accepted limits, trained long before you were even out on the horizon! You claim you’re dangerous? You’re delusional!“ 

Robert took a step closer. Aleksander stared at him, blue eyes glistening. „You think you know more about physics than me?" There was a change on his face, Robert was standing in the dimly lit room, a twisted grin half obscured by darkness. "More than me?" He was howling, laughing bitterly. Aleksander unconsciously took a step back.

“It looks like the guilty conscience that plagued me is utterly misplaced. I'm surprised your own face isn't even reddened yet, but maybe it works differently on Grisha, who knows in this mess? But the nobles and soldiers must have been a frightening sight, weren’t they? The vomit and the blood? The skin peeling off their faces?" A cold shiver ran down Aleksander's spine. What was he talking about? "I didn't want any of that.“ Robert looked at him bitterly. „You knew that. Yet you denied me the decision." He took one step closer, looking right into Aleksander’s eyes. The blue was shiny in a way that made the hairs on Aleksanders neck stand up. "If they ask you why I did that, why they had to die - be honest and tell them that it was your fault." With that Robert turned around and disappeared into the bathroom, pulling the curtain closed.

Aleksander's heart was pounding like a drum. He stared at the drawn curtain. Oh saints… this was a mess… a disaster… what was Robert even talking about? The coughing behind him in the hall, the king's nosebleed... could that be... Aleksander turned around on the spot and left the room. Robert seemed to really mean it… saints, he was so stupid, he had been too eager, hadn’t taken the proper time to explain to Robert why what he was doing was for the best…

And then the damn king he had to deal with on top of that, the way he had looked at him, so spiteful and full of misplaced superiority, the way he had poked him right in the chest with his disgusting, crippled finger - and Aleksander had to put up with it - this man with his dirty mouth, out of whom he dared to spit on Aleksander's equal; the man whose ancestors Aleksander had deceived left and right, to whom he had offered his services one after the other just to further his own position, all in preparation for the day when it would happen, when it would reach the point where he would have gained something that was worth it grasped enough power to get done everything once and for all. How dare this man disrespect the sun summoner like that? Treating him like a - like a - tool - Aleksander slowed his pace. Treating him like a tool he could use for his own plans - he gasped - and now Robert thought the same of him. That Aleksander saw him as a tool he could use for his plans. And the worst part of it - Robert was not right.

Quickly he reached the forecourt again, there were many Grisha piling in front of the palace entrance, the noise level was alarming. Please, let this be a coincidence.

„What is going on here?“ His voice billowed over the crowd.

„General!“ They were flocking all around him. „Haven’t you heard?“ „Where did he go?“ „Why did he…?“

He was having none of that. In a straight line he reached Ivan who was just in that moment stepping out of the door. Behind him followed others carrying people on stretchers.

„What happened in there?“ Aleksander asked his trusted Heartrender, heart beating faster than before as he saw how many of them were carried.

„General.“ Ivan stepped out of the way to let the others pass. „The spectators, the nobles who were closest to you during the presentation, even some Grisha from the first rows - there are many injured…“ Ivan grabbed his arm, Aleksander didn’t even protest and let himself be steered to the side to make place for the medics. Ivans voice was quieter now. „It happened shortly after you left for the meeting with the King. Their skin has turned red, on one of their faces it has already started to peel off - Most are completely disoriented, many are vomiting, the healers are working on them but no one knows how it happened…“ Ivan was staring at him with wide eyes. Aleksander had never seen him like this… horrified- „What is this, General? What is this man?“

Aleksander felt a tingle running down his back. First the Kings bleeding nose, then now apparently the nobles - was this… the power of a… He himself had oftentimes cut through entire halls with his shadows all at once, but something like this… something… mightyful - 

Another stretcher was carried out of the palace, he caught a glimpse of the persons face… it was completely reddened, bloody, skin looking like it was almost burned, but not by fire… this was no sharp cut, no shadowy edge… blunt violence branded into their faces… they should dare to treat his saint like that again, oh he would gladly smite them personally… His eyes widened… Like he had grabbed his -

„Something devine“, he said and left, his stride bordering on a run.

Heat was pulsing in the back of his throat. He had to make this right again! His approach had been too harsh, his equal deserved to be treated with respect - he needed to do something! A tingling sensation running up behind his face. Saints! Robert was hurt, clearly, even traumatized, and he had… he had - There was an ugly feeling, scratching, clawing at the back of his throat. How could he compare it, why did he feel like he recognized this, why was this so similar, when this was nothing the same, why did he - 

It was in the look on Roberts face, the way his eyes had pierced into his, in the way his sun had scorched his skin and then tuned around and ran, left him behind in the sunsets twilight - Aleksander had realised that Robert didn’t care about him. 

Robert didn’t even know him. The sun summoner hadn’t spent centuries with the promise of his other half’s presence lingering in his mind. He hadn’t thought of his equal like Aleksander had; Robert hadn’t imagined to wrap the united pair up in his light, not like Aleksander had dreamt about covering them together in his shadows and obscuring the pair from the world until it was only them alone. 

The realisation hit him with a cold stab to his chest. Robert had never given him any thought at all. His sun didn’t didn’t shine for him the same way Aleksanders shadows had thrummed in anticipation of what to come someday. His saint didn’t even know of the existence of the starless one to match. 

Robert had never been aware of his own powers, thus never been aware of Aleksander being out there in turn, waiting in the darkness, waiting for the sunrise. 

The realisation was as obvious as it was sickening. 

Robert had no reason to seek him out. No reason to feel close to him. He didn’t care about him. To Robert, Aleksander was just… anyone.

And Aleksander had behaved no better that this spitting image of a king. Towards the one person who was his equal. The one person who was his mirror image in power. He had always assumed that there would be an unspoken understanding between the two most powerful Grisha, but… Robert didn’t know a thing about anything here. Didn’t even realise that he was connected to the shadow summoner. Hadn’t even known of his existence. However much the past of this man still was shrouded in mystery, Aleksander by now had realised that Robert came from a completely different background than he had ever thought possible. He had no idea where to look for a place like this, but it didn’t matter.

Because… maybe this could be a start. Maybe this wasn’t bad per se. Aleksander now knew that he couldn’t treat Robert as if the man was already aware of everything around him in the current situation. He would have to go back to the start. Even though it was a bit bumpy, the obstacles were out of the way for now. He would teach him. Gain his trust. Make him see. 

Maybe it was even more than not bad, maybe it was, in a way, a good thing. In a world so overwhelmingly new and different, Aleksander could be… his anchor point. Robert the physicist, a smart man, Aleksander hadn’t expected any less from his equal. This would be the perfect way to assure his influence over the sun - he would shape him in his way. And… Robert had been right. Aleksander saw the image of the injured face on the stretcher in his mind. His saint had been right. His equal… but… that violent, raw, brutal, perfect power…  And once again, he basked in the feeling. His saint was extraordinary. 

With a strange kind of energetic flow he walked down the corridor. He needed to adjust some plans. A few steps down the stars, into the basement. The uniform department, he opened the door. The Durast sat behind a counter, sorting through blue fabrics.

“Oh, General Kirigan! Good to see you! You must be here for your Kefta, it was really difficult to fix but we did it!” The Durast had already jumped up and grabbed one of his uniforms from the cupboard behind her. She handed him the coat over the counter. “The sleeve is like new again, I repaired it personally! You can no longer see any burn marks on the side either!” She grinned proudly.

Aleksander blinked, irritated, and accepted the Kefta. “Flawless work, Miss Volkova. Thank you very much."

She smiled at him as he just stood there. He blinked.

“Uh… you’re here because of the sun summoners Kefta, aren’t you?“ Her facial expression twisted into something awkward. „Sure, why would you come to pick up yours in person - Oh well, I’m afraid Mister Oppenheimer's Kefta isn't ready yet. We must first take his measurements and implement your design to represent his powers and -"

"I have an inquiry."

"Of course, Sir! What can I do for you?“

„Scrap the blue fabric.“

„Sir?“

„For Mister Oppenheimer you will use the same that you use for me.“ A slight smile appeared on Aleksander's lips. “He will wear my black.”

When he was back in his room the group of trackers had arrived early. The stag had been sighted. Aleksander had looked at them firmly, and he had hesitated given the order just as planned.

Chapter Text

Dawn broke and Robert lay quietly in bed. He didn't know how long he lay there before the door opened. He just stayed under the covers.

"Mister Oppenheimer?", said a hesitant female voice. "Uhm... your holiness?" Oh my god. He sighed.

The rustling of fabric. "I'll just place this here…", said the voice nervously and not a moment later the woman had disappeared again. The door slammed shut. The bang echoed unnaturally loudly down the hall. Quick steps moved away from his room, as if she were running. Understandable.

Robert had been picked up that morning by two guards. They walked a few steps behind him all the time. He was walking down the endless stairs, the ornate banister his only support. Robert was dressed in a Kefta. His own Kefta. It was made out of the same sturdy material the General’s was, black and luxurious. His, however, had gold embroidery all over. There was a belt with a golden buckle as well. This morning Robert hadn't been sure what to do with it as he looked back and forth between his old belt with the badge and the new one. Genya had said not to give up on what made him who he was. He had touched the badge and sighed again, like laughing stock. The decision had been made for him. It was too late.

Now he was going down the stairs, he didn't even know where he was supposed to go. When he got to the bottom, guards blocked his way. He looked right at their faces, but actually he stared trough.

“Mister Oppenheimer, there you are!” 

He turned around. A man in a red kefta came towards him from the right. He had dark hair and brown eyes. He seemed familiar… from the carriage?

“Oh, you probably don’t remember!” The man looked at him, wringing his hands. “My name is Fedyor, we’ve met in the army camp.”

“I remember”, Robert said a bit perplexed.

“I’m here to accompany you to your training.” Fedyor shifted from one foot to the other. “I was instructed to be your contact person. Please let me know if I’m doing something wrong, I don’t want to upset you in any way…”

Robert looked at him with wide eyes. “Well… about yesterday…”

“Don’t worry about that! No one will bother you again and -”

“Please tell me, how are the injured?”

Fedyor stopped. “Oh?” He looked at him with wide eyes. “From what I’ve heard, most of them are stable, the healers treated them throughout the night…”

“Please, you have to make sure that the open wounds don’t become infected, you have to prevent sepsis, how long did it take for the first symptoms to appear? Around an hour? Tell them that the bleeding has to be stopped, if the bone marrow isn’t damaged yet, there might still be hope! If I can help somehow…” Robert looked at the floor. A tingling feeling behind his eyes. “I didn’t mean any of this…” How had it ever come to this?

“Hey…” A hand on his shoulder. “Our healers are taking care of them."

Robert looked up, into friendly eyes. Fedyor looked at him… full of compassion.

“I’m so sorry”, Robert said.

“They’ll manage, I’m sure. Our healers are the best in all of Ravka. Thank you for offering your help, Mister Oppenheimer”, Fedyor said with a sincere smile.

“You can call me Robert.”

“Nice to meet you!” Fedyors smile broadened and he held out his hand for Robert to shake.

"Nice to meet you too", Robert said and shook his hand, he managed a faint smile. But when he looked at the man’s hand, there was suddenly scorched skin, blood... he blinked. Fedyor looked at him, smiling. Robert swallowed. 

"You know... I don't know how to say this“, Fedyor started while walking with Robert, „But... I get it. It can be pretty challenging to control one’s powers upon realizing their potential. When I was younger I even had the one or other accident myself.“

"But probably not to this extent", Robert said sarcastically. 

Fedyor grinned. "Oh well, I'm not as powerful as you are."

They reached a door to an inner courtyard. Outside were various groups of Grisha in blue and red uniforms, some in different poses, obviously in training.

Fedyor smiled. "Welcome to combat training."

They walked side by side out onto the square.

“Sun Summoner.” A man in dark clothing approached them. It didn't look like a kefta. “All of Ravka’s foes want to kill you before you can destroy the Fold.” Several Grisha gathered around her and formed a circle. “It’s a great honor to have so many enemies.”

“Not only Ravkas foes…”, came a remark from the side, snickering. Some of the Grisha were whispering. “... makes himself seen at last...”

“Don't listen to them,” Fedyor mumbled from the side. 

“You must learn to defend yourself fast.” Roberts focus was back on the man in front of him. “Do you know how to fight?”

He looked at perplexed. “Uhm… I don’t know.”

“Let’s see then!” A woman in blue suddenly said from the side. She strode up into the middle of the circle of spectators.

"Zoya, don't provoke him!“, another said, but the woman didn’t stop her stride.

"Zoya Nazyalensky," the trainer introduced the black haired woman. "I've been training her since she was ten."

"Care to find out?“, she said, voice confident and sharp. Every stride slow and deliberate. She looked at him and hatred glittered in her eyes. "If I win, will you burn my skin off too?", she said nonchalantly.

Robert pressed his lips together.

"Fighters ready?“, the trainer said, Robert shrugged. "And... fight!”

Robert raised his arms into position, clenching his hands into fists. Who would strike first? His opponent stood calmly in front of him, completely unimpressed. She didn’t move an inch.

“What a coward…” Whispers from the side in his direction. 

Should Robert really strike? What was this about? He took a step forward, she immediately raised her arms in front of her chest, a humming sound in the air, a wave of her hand - a gust of wind knocked him off his feet, he hit his back, the air was squeezed out of his lungs, and then everything went black.

There was… snow. Snowflakes dancing behind his eyes. Branches above. No, those were antlers… fur… a stag turned its head, looking down at him. Warm breath condensing in the air.

„Robert!“

He jumped up with a start. Slowly Fedyor's concerned face came into focus.

Robert blinked. He had woken up again. He might not have been surprised, but, nevertheless, he was utterly disappointed.

“Are you okay?” Fedyor took his arm and pulled him to his feet. Robert touched something spiky, shoving himself out of the haystack. He stumbled a few steps forward.

“I can’t believe she did that…”, Fedyor muttered under his breath while supporting his arm. 

"No idea why," Robert mumbled sarcastically.

Fedyor snorted, now somehow looking at him a bit… conspicuously. “She’s just jealous.” He brushed pieces of hay off of Robert’s Kefta. “Can’t bear the idea of anyone else being favored by General Kirigan.”

Robert snorted in turn. “Are you sure about that?”, he asked without taking it seriously. He was certainly not the favourite of anyone, least of all the general who he vividly remembered shouting at last evening. Robert pulled himself together again and stepped away from the pile of straw towards the training ground. "As far as I know the man hates me, and by god, that feeling's mutual."

"If you say so, black Kefta“, Fedyor said with an irritating half grin.

"What were you thinking?!" The angry voice of the trainer. He spoke sharply to Miss Nazyalensky. "Against the sun summoner?! Have you lost your mind? He's not the enemy any more than I am! Go!" He pushed her away, she stumbled a few steps across the square. She fixed at him with another angry look and disappeared towards the entrance. Robert and Fedyor watched her go.

"Let's go inside too, so I can properly check you for injuries." Fedyor had gently placed his hand on his arm and guided him towards the entrance. They went back in together. Except a dull thrumming in the back of his head he felt fine. There was a bench in the hallway, Robert sat down on it while Fedyor made a few hand movements in his direction. Apparently he could check Robert for injuries this way... he still didn't understand how it worked.

One thought kept bothering him. “What do the different colors of the keftas mean?“, he asked involuntarily.

"You're... new to everything Grisha, aren't you?" Fedyor asked with an apologetic smile.

Robert nodded. "Total beginner." 

Fedyor laughed. "Well, there are three orders of Grisha, Corporalki, Etherealki and Materialki. Every order has their corresponding color."

"So it doesn't actually have something to do with the wearer's rank?" 

Fedyor shook his head. "No, it’s about their Grisha powers. The Corporalki wear red, the Etherialki blue and the Materialki purple. The exact type of Grisha is represented by the color of the embroidery. For example, I am a Heartrender, I belong to the order of Corporalki and thus have a red Kefta with black embroidery."

"What is a Heartrender?"

"We can influence a person's organs." Fedyor smiled at him. "I can feel your pulse by looking into your eyes," He made several precise hand movements in front of Robert’s chest, "and that way I can check you for injuries."

"Why do I have no order?"

Fedyor startled for a moment. “Technically you are part of the order of the Etherialki, as they are able to manipulate the different natural elements of the world, light being one of them."

Robert had not expected that answer. He also belonged to an order? That would mean that his uniform should actually be blue... since it had nothing to do with military rank or his weird saint status… Robert knew full well that the General wore a black kefta… and he…

A slight laugh brought him back to the present. "Black is a special color. The shadow summoner is the only one who is permitted to wear it." He chuckled. "Well, him and you." 

"I’ve only ever seen General Kirigan wearing a black Kefta…"

„He is the only shadow summoner, didn’t you know? You and him are the only Grisha of your respective kind."

"Oh."

For a moment Robert looked into the hallway, dumbstruck. What should he even say to that? The only ones of their kinds…

"I like your Kefta. He made a good choice." Fedyor smiled genuinely.

"Uh thanks...", Robert said, absentmindedly.

Robert was sitting at his desk. Fedyor had checked him for injuries and given him the all-clear, the procedure had had something supernatural, something magical about it. He had been lucky and had landed in the hay, a slight bruise on his head, nothing serious.

Fedyor had prescribed him a break and accompanied him back to his room. Robert would lie down for an hour and be picked up later.

But instead Robert had sat down at the desk and, without understanding why, reached for a pen and pulled out an empty notebook from one of the drawers. If it was in his drawer, why shouldn't he use it? He had started writing involuntarily. Not a letter, no, not a diary entry, not a note. He wrote... formulas. Everything that occurred to him, all the constants, Newton's axioms, his calculations on the death of a star, the notes on decay reactions... everything that occurred to him... everything except his notes on the Manhattan Project... he wrote down every formula and calculation that he could dig out from somewhere in the depths of the dusty drawers of his mind. The shelf life of his memories was limited, it flickered incessantly behind his lids. No matter how much he clung to it, he felt his brain protesting, inevitably blowing a thick fog through his head and whispering to him to forget everything, even though he was fine. Wasn’t repression a type of trauma response? 

This country was not modern, the world had been thrown back to a time like the last century. No one had ever known an answer to any of his questions. Only he was left.

Robert didn't even know why he was writing down all these formulas. He had nothing here, no use for anything… but he clung to the only piece of his life that was still with him. Nothing left but his memories… and he would claw at his mind to keep them alive.

Robert wondered what level physics research was at in this world. Did they know, perhaps under a different name, Newton's axioms? Planck's constant? How advanced were mechanics, optics, thermodynamics nuclear physics? Robert remembered the hallway. The library. Why not?

He walked down the same corridor he had walked with Genya and reached the entrance to the library. A room opened up before him with shelves full of books up to the high ceiling. Old editions bound in leather, it was an impressive sight. Robert walked through the corridors. Soft light fell through the windows, it was a reverent moment as he walked between the shelves. Most of the books were leather bound and had no title on the spine, some had a small label. Robert approached a shelf at random and scanned the works. His gaze stopped on the first book with a label. He leaned forward. That was the title, obviously, but the characters were… strange. Neither the Latin, Greek nor Cyrillic alphabet. Sanskrit? No, not that. He shook his head involuntarily and continued to look around. The next book with a label was written in the same script. Perhaps this was a shelf with foreign works? He stepped back from this one and turned around, walking over to the left shelf in this corridor. He took out a book at random, the title was also written in the unknown script.

"You like books?“

Robert slammed the book shut and turned around. In front of him stood a man in a dark robe with golden emblem on the chest, his hands folded, head tilted to the side. Robert felt somehow caught.

"You are well-read, aren't you? Educated?"

Robert blinked. "I have a doctorate in physics."

„Doctorate?", the man said, pronouncing the word as if he didn't even know what it meant. "Well, that sounds lovely. I'm the king's spiritual advisor." The man took a step towards him. "I want us to be friends." Robert took a step back. "It is important that we are friends." 

Sounded like his reputation preceded him. Although... this man must have been there during the disaster... he was obviously the apparat Genya had spoken about... had seen everything with his own eyes from the back row... who could blame him? Seeing someone acting so weird because they were scared of him… it was a chilling image. Make it stop.

"I have nothing against you, mister. It was... an accident. Honestly, I was just looking around. I'll leave." 

"Oh, you're curious about the lore of the amplifiers, are you?" Suddenly the king's advisor went to the shelf where Robert had just been looking for books and reached for the very one Robert had just put back. "Well, let me curate some reading for you. Ah!" He reached for another book from the bottom shelf. With quick steps the apparat was at the table behind him and opened a larger book. 

Robert came to his side. He squinted at the pages. He could make out that there was a picture of a man with a halo in the middle, but the script was a disaster. A handwriting that he couldn't decipher, were they the same letters as all the other books? It must be the standard script in this country. He wondered how he could even understand the language here. They spoke English, but the script…?

"Here, it all began with this man. One of the first Grisha in recorded history. The bonesmith. He knew the Grisha would always be persecuted and so he worked on a plan to magnify their power." The man had gone back to the cupboard while Robert was bending over the book and came back with a large red cover.

"I'm sorry, did you say he was called the bonesmith?"

"He made creatures from his own finger bones." The apparat demonstratively held his hands in front of Robert's face. "Mythical animals brimming with power. Attuned only to Grisha." He pointed to a picture in the second book. It showed a figure in the middle, surrounded by four circles. In one were the bones of a hand depicted. In the others a stag, a bird and an animal that looked somehow like a dinosaur. There it was... the stag... An image from his dream rushed past his inner eye. Strange.

"They learned killing one of these beasts and then melding a piece of it into their body would amplify their abilities. Sometimes the gain was minor, but with the right binding, the increase in power was astonishing." The apparat opened another page. In the middle was a picture of a person standing in a fighting position or maybe summoning pose? with their legs apart in the rain, hands raised, waves of water in the air around them.

This was just incomprehensible! "They kill the animals to take this power? How is it transferred?"

"Only the Grisha who takes that life can take that creatures power." 

Robert looked down at the book again, trying to make out if the handwriting was actually in the same unreadable script.

"A Gift“, the apparat suddenly said from the side. He held out a book to Robert, red with gold print on the cover. "To mark our new friendship."

"What is this?"

"The lives of the saints."

Robert took the book. The same font. He opened it, at least this one was printed. Suddenly an idea. "Do you have something for me to write a quick note in?"

The advisor looked at him in surprise. "Of course, I'll get it for you. Very eager to learn, are we?“, he said with a chuckle that made a cold shiver run down Roberts spine. Maybe it wasn’t actually the fact that the man at first had seemed to be scared of him that made Robert feel so weirded out… it felt like he plotted something, his remarks at friendship utterly insincere… another one who wanted to use him for his own gains… The man opened a drawer at the next table and grabbed a stack of papers and a pencil, handing them both to Robert.

"Thank you. Could you... tell me the title again?“, Robert asked, wanting it to be over quickly. 

The man looked at him a bit irritated. „The lives of the saints." 

Robert leaned over the table, the book next to the note, careful to obscure what he was writing from the apparat. He wrote down the characters on the cover somewhat awkwardly, at least they were printed and not handwritten. Underneath he wrote the title in English... in the Latin alphabet. He opened the book and pushed it towards the apparat. "Could you read me the first sentence, please?" Robert asked casually. "This handwriting is hard to decipher, and I lost my reading glasses.“

Well, maybe not casually enough, because the man looked at him with huge eyes, irritated, and took a moment to answer. "Of course“, he said, as if Robert hadn’t just been perfectly able to witness some sort of shocking revelation happening inside his brain. 

No point to dwell on it though. So Robert got ready to write down every word in Latin script. If it really was just a different alphabet, but still the same language, then he knew what to do. This was nothing compared to Sanskrit!

The apparat began to read. "Every day, children walked across the bridge on their way to school and back again on their way home, in two lines, side by side. They did not know that a demon had come to their town, and so they laughed and sang without worrying about attracting attention to themselves."

Robert wrote down every word, the apparat had read skillfully and slowly.

"You are not versed in our writing system, are you?“, he asked. Robert looked up, the man staring at his notes with interest. "I've never seen this script before. Where is it from?"

"It's... difficult to explain."

"I'd love to hear more about it, if you'd do me the favor. But I'm afraid you have other commitments now. Baghra awaits."

"Who?"

"Follow me, I'll show you.“

Robert left the library with the apparat, his notes carefully tucket into the book, clutching it to his chest. Outside, they walked towards the park. It was foggy and a haze hung over the paths.

"Where are you bringing me?"

"Every Grisha is trained by Baghra to harness their power. It is quite brutal."

Robert blinked and walked stubbornly along. What was going to happen now? Genya tending to his arms again and looking at him as if he were a thing to be pitied?

"Mostly the peasants hate the Grisha, but I think it is because the Grisha do not suffer." The apparat slowed down. "But... you have suffered, haven't you?“

Oh if he knew. Of all the people in the world, he had suffered the least.

"I think you will suffer more," the man said and looked at him with a meaningful look, whatever that meant, probably nothing good, nodding at him. He stretched out his arm, signaling Robert to go to the end of the path; the entrance to a cave, half covered by foliage. 

Robert looked at the man once more, then walked off, leaving him and the two guards who had followed them during the whole ordeal behind. What was going to happen now? He had nothing left to lose. Clutching the book tightly to himself, he stepped into the darkness.

He saw a dimly lit rock wall in front of him, faint orange light streaming from somewhere around the corner. He stepped further into the cave; there were some pieces of furniture, some shelves, it looked like some kind of living room. Plants were growing on the walls, a crack in the ceiling let in a pale ray of sunlight in, other than that the cave was barely lit, only some candles flickering. He looked around; the room seemed empty.

"Hello?"

No answer. He went further in. A candle shimmered on a ledge, two chairs stood in the middle. His footsteps echoed through the grotto.

"Hello?" he turned back to the entrance; no one seemed to be here.

"You're very late."

Robert's heart stopped. He turned around. A woman stepped out of the shadows behind him. His heart was pounding in his throat. The woman, probably Baghra, took a step towards him. She seemed a little older, with long, light hair; he could barely make out the color of her clothes in the semi-darkness.

"Let's have a look at you."

He pressed the book to himself. Baghra walked slowly around him. Her gaze bored into his side. Robert turned around.

"A sun summoner who wastes his time training with Botkin?" A cold shiver ran down his spine. "Are you going to punch your way through the shadow fold?" Robert stared at her. Everyone just carried on as if nothing had happened, as if they had all ignored his words. Forgotten everything. "Where is the rest of you?" Robert stared at her perplexed. "Are you mute, boy?"

"Uh, no," he said. The urge to run was gnawing at the back of his consciousness like a rabbit caught in a snare.

“That’s something, I suppose.” Baghra turned away, walking over to take a seat in one of the chairs. Robert stood still, fighting his every instinct. She motioned for him to take the other seat. The rabbit was screaming. Carefully he sat down.

Baghra leaned forward. “Where are your parents?” she asked bluntly, her voice indifferent. 

“Dead.”

“Any family?”

“Dead.”

“Where did you grow up?”

“New York.”

“Where is that?”

“Not in Ravka", he said.

“So you lived blissfully unaware and stayed where you didn’t belong.” She looked at him intently. “Where do you belong?”, she said, her voice harsh.

For a moment Robert stared at her. Why not tell the truth?

“In hell.”

“Such a guilty conscience, boy?” Baghra looked at him disdainfully. “You don’t belong here?”

He fixed her eyes, staring right through. “I just said I do.”

She snorted. “Don’t you have anything profound to say? Hiding behind cynicism?“ Robert looked at her perplexed. „Tell me. What are you?“

That question again. He stayed silent.

“I’ve asked you something.”

“I know what you want to hear.”

“You don’t know yourself?”, she practically spat out, “Do you need someone else to tell you first?”

“Well, a saint I suppose", he said sarcastically.

She snorted. “From what I’ve heard it would be better fit to call you a demon.”

“Here to insult me?”

“Here to waste my time?”, she replied promptly. 

Robert scoffed. “I am very well aware that you are looking for me to admit that I am the sun summoner,” he said. “That’s what you want to hear, don’t you?”

“And yet you’re barely one, boy.” Baghra looked at him disdainfully. He was a goddamn forty-one year old, a grown independent man, but apparently no one here cared about that. “Can you summon the sun without the general clutching your wrist?” Robert sucked in a breath. “His blood and bones amplify other Grisha. Did you know that?“

The remnants of a tingling feeling in his arm. Robert stared at her. Blinking. This was ridiculous. “He won’t do that again.” Robert wouldn’t allow it. 

“Oh?” Baghra cocked up an eyebrow. “Suddenly so motivated?" A humourless chuckle, dying down at once. "Can you summon the power on your own?“, she asked sharply. 

"No."

"What about now?" Faster than he knew what was happening, she hit him with her cane on his upper arm. Robert winced. 

She stood up. 

He stared at her. 

"Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too.“

Robert got up slowly. His heart was pounding. His tone was bitter. "There will be no need for that." Without waiting for an answer, he walked past her towards the exit. "I have no interest in continuing this training."

"Yes you will, you cynical, insufferable - ugh!", said Baghra behind him.

Robert stepped out of the cave. 

"Dramatics even worse than the other one’s!", he heard her as he left. "Saintsforsakened world", she spat, and with that Robert for once could agree.

“How was your time with Baghra?” Fedyor sat next to him at the dining room table, everyone else clearly having chosen a seat as far away as possible from the two of them. Well… away from Robert.

"... unproductive“, he answered.

They were sitting at a V-shaped table, many of the seats were empty. There were candlesticks and flower arrangements on display, opulent fruit bowls in between. It looked like something out of a painting.

Robert sat in front of his plate, without any appetite. A servant poured some drink into one of the too many glasses. A plate was placed in front of him, and when the lid was removed, the smell of grilled chicken hit him. It looked like a quail on vegetables. He was just about to spear a piece of asparagus with his fork, when suddenly a hand landed on the plate. Robert looked up. A man sat down right in front of him, he was wearing a white servant's uniform with a cap. He held a fork in his hand. Slowly he pulled the plate towards himself. Robert looked around for Fedyor to help.

“Looks like you have an Otkazat'sya taster”, the Heartrender remarked from the side. “They're normally reserved for the royal family.”

Robert looked at the man in front of him with wide eyes who actually put a piece of food in his mouth.

“Delicious”, the man said with a pained smile.

Robert stared at him.

“You’ll be happy with the meal.” He chuckled, “If, you know, I survive.”

Robert blinked. He literally did not know what to answer to that. From somewhere a salt shaker passed them as if on a conveyor belt, and he supposed this was as good of a moment as any to finally go insane.

“I think it’s safe”, the taster broke his train of thought with an uncomfortable chuckle.

“How did you… acquire this position?” Robert said the only thing that came to mind.

“This is a plum gig!“ He grinned. “I was so happy when the last taster died,” the man explained while he casually dove in for a second piece of asparagus. Upon realizing, he dropped it back on the plate with an uncomfortably forced smile, sliding it across the table towards Robert. 

“Thank you”, he muttered. Finally the taster got up and left.

Robert looked down at the food; his appetite had long since disappeared.

"You should enjoy your meal, it's something special", Fedyor said upon seeing how Robert was aimlessly sticking his fork into a random piece. "General Kirigan insists that we eat peasant fare to keep us humble."

From the other side of the table came the sound of a chair being pushed away. Robert looked up. A man in a red kefta near the head of the table had stood up. Fedyor next to him scoffed. "... could have really sat with us...", he mumbled from the side. Robert thought that the man looked vaguely familiar... also from the carriage! That had to be Ivan, then. What was his last name again? Ivan had stood up and was holding a note in his hand. The room was instantly silent.

"News from the Fjerdan front", he announced and began to read the scroll. "In the first army many casualties in the 18th, 27th and 36th battalions. Also among the dead six healers, four inferni and three heartrenders.“ At the last part Ivan looked up from the paper and stared Robert directly in the eyes. „The Fjerdans will be no match against unified Ravka.“ He closed the scroll, murmurs breaking out. He fixed Robert with a look of… pure, silent rage. Robert blinked, heart rate picking up. "Why are you here eating figs? Hm?" Silence. "You should be training every waking moment to tear down the fold!" Robert held his gaze. "Say something! What kind of twisted game are you playing with us? Making us your pawns?" The room was silent.

"It was an accident…", Robert managed to say. His throat was tight.

"Tell that to the healers who fight day and night to keep your victims alive!" Ivan slammed the scroll on the table. "Do you enjoy it? Showing the world its only hope and then using it against them?" Pressure on Robert's chest. His heart was pounding wildly. "Imagine if you could save a whole world and you just don't. What kind of coward could do that?" He stared at him, Robert dug his nails into his palms. The faces of ghosts in his mind. "You don't say anything ? Well, maybe you're not really a coward, but you're after something else. Maybe you enjoy playing with your power. All the chaos. The suffering..." Robert's heartbeat was racing. Fedyor mumbled something from the side, but Robert didn't understand it. He was scrunching the edge of his Kefta under the table. His hands were shaking.

"There's blood sticking to your hands that can't be washed off", Ivan continued in an ominous tone. He pushed the chair aside and slowly walked around the table in the direction of Robert's seat. All eyes on him. Beads of sweat on Robert's forehead. "If you're going to refuse anyway, why don't you just disappear?" With a few steps around the table Ivan was in front of him, staring down at him. Robert gasped for air, but the oxygen was barely reaching his lungs. Fedyor next to him said something, but his voice was no longer getting through to Robert. He felt so sick that he was about to pass out at any moment now.

Ivan stared down at him. "Return to the shadow fold from which you came", he spat out. His voice was low, pointed, and sharp. "You are not human", he hissed. "You crawled out of the shadows and are bringing chaos and destruction to the world. When I look into your eyes, I see the blue light that is lit for the dead on their last journey." He stared down at him from above. "You should beg for forgiveness."

Now it was enough. Robert's chest tightened, a stabbing pain, he gasped for air. He jumped up, the chair thudded against the wall. He stumbled past Fedyor, out of the dining room door. The corridor was in front of him. He had to go outside, into the night, he needed air, his heart, his heart was at its limit, it was going to give out, he stumbled into the nearest room, he had run the whole way down the hall, no, just a few meters, the nearest room, he pressed himself against the door with momentum, it fell against the wall with a loud bang, he stumbled into the room, he felt the pounding of his heart right up to his head. It would soon be over, soon be over - Robert's legs were no longer holding him, a stabbing pain in his chest, a burning sensation in his head, no air, it would soon be over -

He was so dizzy that he leaned against the wall. He stumbled, gasping for air. Everything was spinning. That had to be it. Robert's legs gave way, he sank down against the wall and crouched blindly on the floor. He crouched against the wall, making himself small. He pulled his legs up, his arms pressed to himself. He gasped, trying to somehow get some oxygen into his system, the pounding in his chest robbed him of his breath. His face felt hot, his lungs burned.

He only vaguely registered the echoing sound of a door slamming in the hallway. Quick steps approached his general direction. Someone entered the room.

"What happened? Are you injured?" A familiar voice, upset.

Robert did not look up. Instead, he pressed his arms even tighter around himself. The pain in his chest was ripping his lungs apart. General Kirigan crouched down in front of him.

Suddenly a touch on his shoulder - he flinched. 

The general immediately pulled his hand back. "Sorry, sorry - I'm sorry..." His voice was pained. Robert barely heart it over the white noise in his head. He couldn't breathe. Getting dizzy.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" The general kneeled next to him now, he vaguely registered the movement. Robert couldn't answer. His heart was about to give up, the pain stabbing his chest.

“Please, tell me how I can help you…"

Robert tried to find his way to the voice, but he heard it as if it were underwater, a rumbling in his ears, sweat on his forehead.

"Can you hear me?“ It felt as if the noise turned into screams, he saw the pressure wave of glaring light racing towards him -

"Where are you? Please, Robert, come back to me…"

At the sound of his name he slowly looked up. He could only see the man's face, blurred. His heart wouldn't be beating much longer, it would soon be over. Robert’s lungs tried desperately to get some air but he couldn't let go, couldn't -

"Please, you need to breathe. Don't constrict your chest like this." Robert barely registered that he clutched his chest, the pain striking. Heart attack. Going to die. In a strange place, far from home. Home was no more.

"Robert!" At that he blinked, trying to regain focus on the general.

"Breathe, do you hear me? In … and out!" The voice was scared, panicked, Robert tried to gather his focus, but his mind was swept away again. The burns, the ashes. Killed them. Killed them all. Made them suffer.

"May I try something? Let me try something..." The general’s hand was hovering over his arms. "I'm going to touch your hand now, okay? Nothing will happen to you... I'm trying to help." 

Robert pressed his eyes closed. He could barely nod. 

"Okay. I'll move your hand now." Robert felt his arm being moved away from his torso, a warm hand opening his ice-cold fingers, pressed them against a warm surface. Robert opened his eyes, followed his arm with his gaze.

"Now feel my breath. Try to do it with me." A warm hand was placed over his left hand, pressing it against the upper part of the general's stomach. He could feel the man's chest rising and falling with each breath.

"Focus on me." 

Robert tried to do that. Ground himself in the feeling. He tried to manage his stuttering breath. In and out. The tingling feeling in the back of his throat. The stabs in his chest. He tried to press his other arm around himself even tighter. With his free hand the general brushed over Roberts other hand. “Please stop, don’t… don’t constrict your lungs like this…” Robert’s fingers were pried open, away from his chest. Now his right hand was also in the general's, his arm outstretched. The man's fingers were warm. “Focus on the rhythm", he said, still keeping Robert’s other hand pressed to his chest. 

Robert’s breathing was no longer so irregular, but still much too fast, faster than the general's. He tried to regulate it, but he couldn't get in enough air, so he stayed in this too fast rhythm. At least it was a rhythm now. 

For a while they just breathed together, Robert tried to calm himself and focus on the way the general's chest rose and fell under his palm.

“You are doing so well”, General Kirigan said in a soothing tone. 

After a while the pain in Roberts chest dulled. The white spots in his vision gave way for the blurry image of the room, the dark figure of the General close to him. Robert’s panting was unnaturally loud in the quiet room. It was very silent. 

“I am sorry”, the general whispered after a while, “I hurt you… I am so sorry.” 

Robert listened to his voice. Breathe in and out. In and out. Not going to die here. He felt the air entering his chest, tried to breathe deeper, less shallow. The nausea was slowly subsiding. His heartbeat calmed down a bit.

General Kirigan looked at him intently, black eyes painted in a look of… concern. “How do you feel?”, he asked in a gentle tone. 

Robert felt the tingling feeling building in the back of his throat. He looked away, down. The tingling rose in his neck, up to his cheeks, behind his eyes. 

The general held his hand a bit tighter. “Hey, it’s alright, you’re safe. You’re safe, I promise.” His words were soothing. 

Robert blinked away the tears. “Sorry,” he mumbled in a choked voice. 

“Don’t apologize. You had a panic attack. It’s not your fault.“ Robert felt his thumb absentmindedly running over the back of his hand. “Don’t apologize for that. Are you injured somewhere?“

Robert shook his head. 

“Good“, General Kirigan hummed quietly, gently running his thumb over Robert’s hand. „You… really scared me there for a moment.“ His tone was… genuine. Not even a hint of anger.

Robert tried to regain some orientation. He was sitting on the floor, the General kneeling next to him, pressing Roberts hand to his chest, holding his other one as well. 

"Can you stand up?“, he asked, his voice calm and slow. "Squatting on the ground like that constricts your lungs."

Robert blinked, looked up into his face, black eyes painted in a look of... concern. That's what it was. And… genuine. Robert did not answer but instead slowly tried to get up. The general got up before him, taking the hand away from his chest but still not letting go, trying to steady Robert. 

When he was up, the world was turning around him, he felt dizzy, his legs giving out.

"Careful!" The general clutched his shoulders, keeping him from falling. "I should get you a chair..." He guided Robert to lean on the wall and frantically went around the room in search. 

Robert watched the back of the black Kefta swirling through the room. He felt cold creeping up through his bones. Alone. The pain in his chest sharpened its dull edge again, returning with a sharp stab to his heart. He breathed in shakily, trying to steady himself, but everything was just too much, he hugged himself, seeking some pressure, trying to make it go away, make himself small, there was a distressed noise, he flinched, did he make that? Suddenly the General was back right in front of him, the look in his eyes panicked, Robert clutched his chest -

"Stop, stop, you need to breathe, please“, General Kirigan said, his shaky hand hovering over Roberts shoulder, "Don't crush your chest like this!" His hand was barely grazing the fabric of his Kefta. "What do you need? Are you scared?“ Robert couldn’t answer. „Would it help to feel some pressure on your chest?" Robert didn’t react. "Uhm… I could… if you want… maybe…" The general was standing in front of Robert, holding his arms out. “You want to…?”

Robert breathed out and without realising why took a shaky step forward, closing the space between them. Carefully a hand touched his arm, gently guiding it around the man's waist. Robert's left hand was placed on the general's back, then his right hand was pried from his death grip around his own chest as well and moved around General Kirigan's waist from the other side. 

"There you go", the general murmured.

Even through the fabric Robert could feel an incredible warmth radiating from the man. He felt how the general lay his hands around Robert, barely touching his shoulders, careful to keep it light. “Is this… acceptable?“, General Kirigan asked, merely a whisper. 

Robert felt the warmth and instinctively pressed into it. The general froze, hands grazing Roberts Kefta. Then at once he put his arms around Robert's shoulders, pulled him closer, he held onto him and suddenly Robert found himself pressed to the general tightly. He grabbed the thick fabric of his Kefta on his back. The pressure was grounding him. His heart hammered against his ribs.

"There is nothing to be scared off…“, the general whispered, gently stroking Roberts back. "You're safe here. I promise.“ 

When he felt a tingling feeling rising in the back of his throat, Robert hid his face in the man’s shoulder. 

The General was slowly rubbing his back. “I’ve got you, don’t worry.” His voice was soothing, wiping the horrifying noises away, just out of reach. "Breathe for me, okay?" One of his hands left his back to stroke through his hair. It was an… oddly comforting touch. "I will keep you safe." Robert was clenching some fabric, barely listening. "You have my word." 

Roberts heartbeat was slowly starting to calm down a bit. For a long while he focused on getting his breathing back to an acceptable pace, trying to keep his heart from tearing his chest from the inside. It was… warm. 

General Kigiran kept stroking his back. "I'm so sorry...", he said while continuing to hold him tightly. "…for everything." Robert focused on his breathing, feeling the voice of General Kirigan resonating through the man’s chest. "It was wrong of me to force you to present your powers when you told me you didn't agree to it." The hold tightened a bit. "And I shouldn’t have doubted your word. Doubted you.“ His voice was firm. “It will never happen again.”

Roberts pulse was calming down a bit. General Kirigan gently squeezed him a tiny bit tighter, still rubbing his back gently. „You’re doing so well“, he continued murmuring reassuring words. Robert blinked his tears away. When had he started to cry? Out of nowhere he suddenly hiccuped. 

General Kirigan chuckled quietly, Robert could feel the rumbling of his low chuckle through his chest. „That’s better, isn’t it?“

Roberts erratic breathing was currently slowed down back into a steady rhythm. He felt the grounding touch of a hand stroking his back, another softly touching his hair. Wait -

Huh? 

Oh god. 

He blinked. Slowly the awkwardness of the situation dawned on him. He was actually snuggling into the generals chest. Roberts face was heating up at the realisation of their position. 

„I’m, uhm, I’m sorry-" Robert immediately let go of the man and practically jumped up. His heartbeat was up in seconds. By now his face was completely hot. He stared at the general who was looking at him kind of puzzled.

Robert shifted from one foot to the other. "My behaviour was unacceptable, I’ll leave immediately, I’m sorry!“ He turned to run.

„Wait -“ suddenly a hand was reaching for his wrist. Robert stopped. He looked down. The general was holding his wrist in his hand. This time, Robert… waited. He looked up at General Kirigan.

„I just…“ The general upon realising what he was doing stopped the hold on his wrist and instead slid down his hand to lightly take Robert's hand.

Robert made no move to leave, instead taking a step back away from the door again. He looked down a bit puzzled. The general was holding his hand, palm up, with his thumb gently grazing over the scars. 

„Im sorry. I’m sorry I forced you…“, he mumbled, completely lost in looking at Roberts hand.

For a moment they stayed right there. It was… strange. Robert just… stood there. Didn’t feel the urge to move away. Robert looked down on his hand, consciously let go, bringing it back down to his side. He scratched his neck. "I’m sorry for my behavior. I shouldn’t have…"

"No, no, it’s okay." The General took a step closer. "You are having a hard time, I can see that now. Im sorry that it took me so long to realise it." 

Robert felt his dark eyes on him, he felt the need to look away. 

General Kirigan sighed. „You look exhausted.“

„Didn’t have the best day…“

„Can you tell me what happened? Did anyone bother you?“

Robert looked back. „It was expected though, wasn’t it?“ A bitter chuckle.

The general looked right into his eyes. The black was shiny like the broken edge of a piece of raw obsidian. „You don’t deserve that. I want you to feel safe here.“ The words made his voice a bit sharper. „I will make sure that the people who did this to you will face consequences.“ There was a look of… something fierce in his eyes.

Robert again looked somewhere off to the side. He didn’t know why but it was uncomfortable to look the general in the eyes. He wrung his hands. He should probably just leave. „What you said before, the apology…" god, why did he say that ?! - "Did you mean it?“ 

„Every word."

Robert looked up. For a moment their eyes met. 

„I have not changed my mind", Robert said.

„I thought so.“ The general nodded, looking off to the side in thought. „I just…“ a sigh. He looked back to Robert. „No more of that. You are safe. That’s everything that matters right now.“

There was something tightening in his chest.

„Thank you, then. I… I accept your apology.“ 

„I’m glad."

„Also…“, Robert began, now starting to pace back and forth a step, „Thank you for… being there for me… through this mess…" An uncomfortable chuckle.

„I always will be“, General Kirigan said softly.

"I… I think I’ll go to bed now. It was a long day." He took a step backwards in the vague direction of the door. 

"Good Night, Mister Oppenheimer."

Robert looked at the general for a moment. Had he only imagined him calling him by his first name?

"Goodnight", he said and left. 

Chapter Text

Aleksander had had a pair of elegant black riding boots brought to Robert's room. Genya had already left for Kribirsk, so he had given a random servant the task. The horses were saddled, he was waiting in front of the entrance to the small palace. The birds were chirping happily, and he could not deny a certain excitement in his chest.

He had been particularly hasty that morning, but now it turned out he was too early. A maid stood somewhere in the background, two guards held the reins of the horses. He waited. After yesterday evening, Aleksander had felt the urgent need to spend some time with Robert. His saint's panic attack had caught him... off guard. He had felt such fear… Now he just wanted to spend time with him, away from the palace, just the two of them. He waited in front of the entrance, by now the maid must have woken Robert up and told him of his plan to go for a ride. He shifted from one foot to the other. His heart was pounding. Would he come?

Yesterday's events had unfolded rapidly. When Aleksander had seen Robert crouching on the floor, his heart had sunk. He had tried to get through to him somehow, but Robert had barely noticed him initially. He thanked the saints that he had taken the right measures to calm Robert down again. Aleksander had really thought he was choking to death before his eyes. The wheezing had sounded frightening. He wanted to make sure Robert was okay… He was so glad that his saint had had calmed down again.

In retrospect, Aleksander had hardly slept that night. He had played the situation through in his mind the whole time, again and again. How Robert had felt in his arms when his breathing had gotten better, how his saint had undeniably felt safe with him, enough to press himself against his chest in that vulnerable time... It had felt so good holding him protected... Aleksander felt a weird kind of pride in knowing that his saint had turned to him for help... Aleksander thanked the saints for being there in time. Through the night he could almost still feel the touch of Robert's hand in his... It was a stroke of luck that Aleksander had been given the chance to apologize to him. He was genuinely sorry.

At that moment the door to the palace opened and his sun summoner came out. Aleksander looked at him, inwardly congratulating himself on his decision to have a black kefta made for the man. Robert came towards him, gravel crunching beneath his feet.

„Morning", Aleksander said softly and couldn’t help his smile.

„Morning.“ In a few steps Robert stood next to him. He looked mesmerizing.

Aleksander pointed towards the horses. He kept his black Kefta on because the pair was matching as perfectly as he had hoped it was a bit cold this morning.

"I haven't properly been out riding for months! Didn't have time before the big day..." Robert sighed while walking over to his horse. Gently he started stroking its mane. "Thank you for the invitation."

"It's my pleasure." Aleksander watched as Robert climbed into the saddle. He also went over to his own black horse. "Shall we, Mister Oppenheimer?", he said and got up into the saddle.

Robert gave him a smile that seemed... carefree, the depressed mood of the night seemingly blown away. Apparently he had made the prefect choice with the ride.

"Call me Robert, please."

Aleksander's heart skipped a beat. Had he just -

It was only a moment later that he realized that Robert had urged his horse on, and so he followed suit, catching up again. They rode off together, galloping across the square. They trotted through the palace gardens, over to the park.

“Where are we going?”, Robert asked excitedly while the wind was catching in his half opened Kefta.

“Wait and see”, Aleksander said with a grin. He urged his horse on. Robert scoffed humorously and followed suit.

After a short ride they reached the remote well. Aleksander slowed the horse. He dismounted, Robert too. He looked over at his saint, who was patting his white horse thoughtfully.

Aleksander blinked and took a step away from him towards the well. "I'd like to show you something."

Robert arrived next to him. "A beautiful place", he said.

Aleksander's heart was pounding. He looked sideways at Robert, who was totally relaxed. They stopped at the edge of the well, Aleksander reached into his pocket. He took out two coins, gave one to Robert. „Sometimes I come here to throw in a coin.“

"A wishing well?"

Aleksander chuckled. "Something like that." He threw the coin in a high arc into the well. It sank into the water, small waves moving across the surface. Robert leaned over the edge. Over his shoulder Aleksander watched the waves rippling across the water's surface, distorting their reflections. From somewhere came the image of the shadow fold into his mind, in which Robert's light had rippled through the wall of shadows on a much more spectacular scale.

"What do you see?“

"A ripple effect", Robert answered wistfully. „The energy of the movement is carried on. The water as the propagation medium dampens it, the waves become weaker the further they move away from their place of origin." Aleksander listened intently. "Here, at the edge of the fountain the wave is reflected." Robert pointed at the place where the water gently splashed the edge of the stone.

Aleksander watched the waves. "I wish I knew more about physics... I like listening to you.“

Robert looked up, his blue eyes brighter than the sky. Aleksander stared at him. He promptly broke eye contact and walked around Robert to the other side of the fountain to randomly remove some undergrowth. His heart was pounding. He pulled a couple of floating branches out of the water and threw them away. "How are you adjusting to life in the little palace?", he asked casually. Saints, did he really just say that? After yesterday's incident? Was he stupid?

Too late to take back the question, Robert answered him. "Beside the fact that everyone either avoids, insults or attacks me, well… fine I suppose." He shrugged. "No, really. It was obvious that this was going to happen, I get it." He stepped back from the fountain and walked over to the stone bench. They were silent for a moment. "I like the library."

"I thought so," Aleksander answered, looking back in front of himself, smiling nervously. Their shared favorite place. He randomly removed a few branches from the fountain. "Is your room satisfactory?", he asked without looking up. 

"Well, I’d never had warming stones put in my bed before“, Robert said with a chuckle. "No, it's fine. It's very luxurious for this place."

Aleksander raised his eyebrows. "For this place?" He scoffed playfully. "Used to better, my good Sir?"

Roberts' eyes widened. "No, I didn't mean it like that-" he stood up from the bench, "I just... nevermind." He sat down again, looking pointedly to the side.

Aleksander couldn't help but smile at his saints embarrassment. He turned to rid the fountain of a few fallen leaves.

"I'm glad I have Genya and Fedyor", Robert's voice said from behind. "They are the only ones who don't judge my decision." Aleksander paused without turning around. "I'll miss her. Genya send me a letter explaining her departure. I... thank you. That was kind of you."

Aleksander had abandoned the task to pick out sticks and had tuned back around towards Robert somewhere during his words. He looked at him a little caught out. "It was for the best," he said bluntly. His face was a bit warm.

"It's... strange for me. Unusual. For the longest time there was always a large group of people around me who were held together by the project, we worked day and night, researched together... That's all over now. I just..." Robert looked at the ground in front of him, he watched his saint sitting there, a bit slumped over. Robert seemed so... lost.

"I do know how you feel..." Aleksander pushed himself off the edge of the fountain and walked over towards Robert. "When I was a boy, I used to run away and hide here." He stopped and looked over at the fountain with the relief depicting his story. "Once I realized that I was a descendant of the most hated Grisha in Ravka, I'd come here, throw a coin. Make a wish in the fountain. Same wish, over and over again." His words were whispered. "That I could turn back time, do some things differently." For a moment he stared at the water, realizing what he had said. "Do better than he did," he added as if it had been his intention all along.

"Sometimes our mistakes are so serious that they outlast us.“ 

Aleksander looked up. Robert had gotten up from the bench and was standing next to him. "Some decisions are made for eternity." After a moment Robert pointed to the wall of the fountain. "What does this relief mean?"

"What is depicted here is actually the story of my forbearer. The black heretic.“

Robert looked at him expectantly from the side. 

"Hundreds of years ago, Anastas, the King, hired a Grisha as his military adviser." Aleksander started to explain, walking towards the first image, Robert following him. "That Grisha was a shadow summoner, like me." He took a step in direction of the next image. "As he grew more powerful, the king, fearing a coup, put a bounty on his head, and any Grisha that stood by him. The Heretic and the others were cornered, he knew they were outnumbered." Robert followed him around the fountain. "So he attempted to create an army of his own using the same science Morozova once used to create his amplifiers. But… he failed.“ Aleksander looked up into Robert's eyes. His fingers were ice cold, his heart was pounding. "He created the fold instead and perished by his creation.“

Robert was looking at the last part of the relief. “That’s the reason why Grisha are persecuted today? Because your ancestor created the shadow fold with his powers?"

Aleksander looked at him wide eyed. "Certainly to some extend, but… we always were. Even before his time." 

Robert nodded. He took a step towards the left side of the fountain again, leaning on the edge, looking over the water.

"I oftentimes thought about his reasonings," Aleksander said, without knowing what it was that drove him to open his mouth. "Why the heretic took Morozova's notes and used them. I feel like he must have known that his choice would have had consequences; using Merzost always requires a prize." He looked upon the undisturbed surface of the water. "I believe he was willing to do everything, even poison himself with it to save his Grisha. His family." He stared into the dark waters. "You might hear others tell you that he did it out of revenge, but… I don’t think so." 

"It's certainly plausible." 

His breath hitched. Aleksander looked up at Robert, heart stopping a beat. What did he just say? 

"Don't you think he is rightfully despised for what he has done?", Aleksander asked, spellbound. "The black heretic is responsible for the loss of countless lives."

Robert thought for a moment. "I... I don't know. I don't think I have the right to condemn him for making this decision. I can... even relate to that, in some way.“

Aleksander stared at Robert's profile, he was leaning over the edge of the fountain. Robert's dark hair was a bit out of place from the wind during the ride, now some strands slightly falling into his forehead, touching his lashes. His reflection shimmered in the water. Aleksander could feel his heartbeat in his neck.

"It sounds like the black heretic didn’t know what he was evoking with his decision", Robert continued, reaching into his pocket. "Its too often like that… you lift the stone without being ready for the snake that’s revealed." With a wave of his hand he threw the coin that Aleksander had given him into the water. A quiet plop. "A single decision can change your whole life. Like waves on the surface of water, the consequences spread out, further and further, you cannot take it back. There are infinite points at which one could have acted differently, and yet. Maybe the tragedy lies in our blindness to see them."

"Maybe the future matters more than lost chances of the past", Aleksander said in a slightly breathless voice. „I often wondered what the black heretic would think about his creation if he was still alive today… I feel like he would see the shadow fold as more than just an abomination. They always feared us, even before it’s creation. Maybe he would see the fold as a warning to all those who want to wipe us out. Maybe he would think that it could protect us."

Robert... smiled. A quiet laugh. "They won't fear it until they understand it, and they won't understand it until they've used it... until they’ve seen it.“ For a moment Robert watched a leaf floating on the water. "I know what you mean. It's always like this, always has been."

Aleksander's heart was hammering in his chest. His hands were shaking, he quickly hid them in his pockets. Did Robert know about him? No he couldn't... The wind was swirling around Aleksanders head and he felt almost dizzy. He... he couldn't hope for anything more than that, could he?

Robert turned around and leaned thoughtfully with his back against the edge of the fountain. "And when the dust has settled no one cares if your intentions were noble." The sunlight on his face, leaves rustling in the wind, casting shadows and light alternately on his cheekbones. "We were theorists“, Robert said lost in thought. „I was the project leader. Our goal was to create a power so absolute, it would end every war." He laughed bitterly. "I can't even say that we miscalculated, because my colleague did exactly that calculation, I literally had the result in my hands, in front of my eyes!" He looked over at Aleksander, his arms crossed over his chest. "We were building… something horrifying. And we knew that.“ Robert sighed, looking back away. „But the calculations, the gadget, the test site preparation… it was ever so present, but also still just in our imagination. When reality arrived… what revealed itself was beyond anything one could ever dare to fathom.“

Aleksander blinked. The papers on his mental desk were blown around in a gust of wind, they spun around the room, the window burst open, the wind carrying the sheets around, he tried to stop them as they fluttered out of the open window, Aleksander ran after them, and the moment he leaned out of the window, the sheets whirling across the forecourt - the sun blinded him for a moment, so magical, the light on his face, so warm, and all the papers flew through the air around him, he forgot to reach for them, the light was breathtakingly beautiful.

Robert laughed. "But that's an old story.“ Aleksander blinked. Roberts smile faded. „I'm sorry you're suffering so much from the actions of your ancestor. You don't deserve this."

Aleksander stared at him. Not a single drop dared to roll down his cheeks, but his vision was blurred and there were undoubtedly, undeniably tears in his eyes. "You've suffered so much more than I ever have…“, he managed to say.

"I don’t believe so", Robert said with a chuckle. "Perhaps my presence is good for one thing at least; they will no longer see only you as a reminder of the problem, but instead see me, the sun summoner", he said with a scoff, "the solution. Except that I won't be of any help. I can't. Then they'll turn on me.“ A half smile spread on his face. „I hope they’ll do so quickly. Then I can be the brand new heretic.“ 

Aleksander's heart sank. He took a step toward Robert. He felt his pulse in his own throat. "If you believe anything... believe me - I won't let that happen." His voice trembled, Robert looked at him with wide blue eyes. How much shock could one endure before burning up from the inside of one’s mind?

"I appreciate the sentiment, but-"

"I'll be right by your side.“ Aleksander's voice was steady again. "Whatever the future may hold for us... you and I will change the world, Robert."

His sun looked at him for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say. Aleksander felt that the silence was just as meaningful in that moment.

After a moment Robert leaned back against the fountain, looking out over the park again. "Sometimes in my dreams, I hear them screaming." Sunlight played in Robert's hair. "I'm glad. That way I won't forget their voices." 

Aleksander took a shaky breath. Robert looked so small. Frail. There was a burning sensation in his chest. He wanted to hold him close, cover him from prying eyes, never let anyone else lay their unworthy sight on his saints vulnerable form like this ever again! He wanted to hold him close, a tight embrace, wrap them both up in a stream of swirling darkness, gently flooding away all of his little saint's sorrows. He had a weight on his shoulders Aleksander couldn’t reach, why didn’t Robert just lay it down into his arms, let him carry it for him? What was this all about? Robert had said so much, but nothing was revealed. Aleksander wanted to cradle him close, soothe his little saint, whisper sweet prayers into his ear, gently run his thumb over his cheeks, over the soft smile lines around his eyes, tilt his head up, get lost in blue and finally lean in and - Aleksander blinked. Multiple times. Rapidly.

He looked at Robert from the side as he leaned against the fountain, gaze lost somewhere else. Sunbeams fanning out around his dark brown hair, making it shine like liquid gold, almost giving the impression of a halo. Aleksander leaned against the wall. He breathed out. 

In his mind he found himself in a dark cathedral, in an eternal night, but now rays of sunlight came shining through the church windows, heralding the dawn.

Aleksander had fought battles for centuries, fought wars that had lasted a thousand years, but now he stood there helpless, on his knees, gutted, his insides spilled out over the cathedrals floor. Light that fell through the stained glass windows reflected in bright colors in red puddles on the stone floor. His innermost being revealed, his powerlessness disclosed. Here he was kneeling in front of the altar, full of humility. He looked up in awe at the presence that shone before him like a comets tail. The brilliant light from the windows behind the figure blinded him, flooded the nave.

What was in front of him, elevated on a pedestal, was something utterly, completely holy. How could anyone not believe in that?

Gazing up at this divine being, so pure and light, felt sinful. Aleksander was so desperate, mad at the sun for showing him where he was lost, places he had tried to cast away in shadows, long forgotten, but now he had shown him again what it meant to believe.

It weren’t his shadows that darkened his hands, it was the dried up blood of those who’s voices he had long since forgotten.

If he had ever stood in a place from which he could have reached his saint, that time was long gone. He was no longer as close to the altar. Beams of sunlight reflecting all the colours in red puddles.

Who he was now was right. Centuries old, his experiences had made him stronger, more final, more implacable. He regretted nothing, but even so, on the cathedral floor blood thinned with water, liquid swirling over the stone, all the tears he had never shed. He was not the man to weep bitterly. He was the man who could ensure that no one could come near his saint, the man who had made the choices that had needed to be made, and he had made himself a being that was capable of bearing the consequences.

His place was far back in the nave now. Aleksander could only stare at the light, chained to one of the back pews. He had made the sacrifice. But he was here, always would be here. Would circle his saint like a wolf with bared teeth defending a bleeding animal from its own pack.

Out of the corner of his eyes, in the back of the church nave, behind the pews, there were white milky spots shivering under the shadows. They were staring at him and he angled his head to look back. Glassed over, pale eyes watching him. Those pairs of eyes that were always just outside his field of vision, always with him on every step he took. Aleksander didn't look away. His gaze went from pair to pair, new ones emerging, others sinking back into the darkness, all dead eyes fixed on his own. Lifeless eyes that would follow him with their soulless gaze for all of eternity. 

He had made all of these decisions, decisions he had not liked making, but decisions that had to be made anyways. There was always a cost in making difficult choices. The key was making sure that that cost was not regret.

For hundreds of years he had gotten better, stronger, more resilient; had molded himself to become sharper, had cultivated his powers, had fought, manipulated, clawed his way to a position of strength for the cause of his Grisha. A way to right his sins? Unwillingly he had created an abomination, and in hundreds of years he had taken on its best qualities.

And instead of letting them consume him while he had adapted, he had incorporated them into his being. What he had done was not good, but it was right. He did not regret who he had become.

But that meant that he could pray to the saint all he wanted, but something so holy would never lay his eyes on him kindly. He would lay his shadows to the sun's feet, drape them over the stairs, flowing down, paving his way like a protection charm.

Aleksander breathed back in. Robert was still leaning on the edge of the fountain, staring off to the side. "I think it would be beneficial if Grisha would unionize. Have you ever thought about something like that? I had good experiences with that at university."

"You are... fascinating."

Robert turned to look at him, eyes wide. Upon realizing what he had said Aleksander immediately turned away and coughed quietly. His hands were shaking.

While not only Robert deserved to experience his own full potential, Aleksander simply also could no longer stand by and watch how his saint stood there so defenseless. He would do anything for his safety, but that was not enough. He was not enough. For something so precious, could he even only rely on himself? The best way he could keep his saint safe was to protect him with all his might, but it would only be perfect if Aleksander would teach Robert to defend himself.

Aleksander wanted to reach out with his hand, take Robert's hand in his, explain everything to him... but he pulled himself together and let his hand fall down again. His heart was pounding in his throat. "Just... just promise me you'll think about it," he started in a hoarse voice. "Learning to control your powers... Promise me you'll try to keep yourself safe, too."

Robert looked at him wistfully. “There is nothing I could lose anymore.”

Aleksander stared. He was back in the cathedral. Darkness beat its wings, carrying him across the land, cliffs giving way to the sea, a blue ocean, a sunrise on the endless world. 

He kneeled at the altar. Looking up felt sinful, reaching out his black stained fingers to touch - unthinkable.

Out of fear? Fear of tainting the holy, divine thing in front of him? No, thinking he could taint this pure light with his darkness was nothing but ludicrous.

His saints light would always overpower his darkness, burst through the flood. His light would devour his shadows, there was no question to it. And if his saint would look down at him, smile at him, then he knew, in that moment, here and now, that he would crawl at his feet, willingly letting his darkness be devoured.

What would Aleksander do for him? For this man, who was tearing his centuries old plans apart, burning through ancient brick walls with ease, leaving behind molten stone? Would he kill for him? Oh, he had killed a thousand times.

Blinking, he dared, he looked up at the saint shining before him, just out of reach, with that glitter in his eyes like the place where the horizon united the sea and the sky, and the realization was there: He was devoted - utterly, completely, faithfully devoted.

"I want you to know my name", Aleksander whispered. Robert looked up. "The name I was given, not the title I took for myself." His heart was beating faster than ever before. "Will you have it, Robert?" He sounded so pathetically breathless. 

Roberts blue eyes were fixed on him, shining like the stars. There was something glistening in the night sky. "I do", he answered in a similarly whispered tone.

He breathed in and out. "Aleksander." 

His saint smiled softly.

Aleksanders heart was hammering in his chest. Robert was looking at him and… he smiled, he genuinely smiled. 

No, it couldn’t be, Aleksander thought, he pleaded breathlessly, but his wretched heart proved him lying. 

It had been inevitable. He had had no choice in it, it was too perfect, it seemed like it had always been decided, meant to be, a bond as ever lasting as the stars in the endless night. But even if he did have a choice, it would have turned out all the same - Aleksander would have chosen him, over and over and over again. 

This was it, this was his final breath. Oh - he was in love.

Chapter Text

The trip to the park with General Kir… with Aleksander had really been something special. Robert had learned about his story, that of his ancestor, and the difficulties Aleksander had to bear due to that part of history. Aleksander. Robert wasn’t sure if it was in the way he had spoken to him like that or something else, but… that name felt like a secret, something private he had only shared with Robert alone.

The story of the black heretic was unsettlingly similar to his own. It was almost frightening how much he felt understood. Should he be worried?

Robert was sitting at the desk in his room, leafing through the book about the lives of saints and practicing the Ravkan alphabet. He had quickly gotten the hang of it after comparing the first paragraph the kings advisor had read to him with the sentences in the book, by now he was through six pages already and getting his recognition skills up by the minute. It was quite simple actually, every letter was just represented by a different symbol than their Latin equivalent; it seemed to be pronounced exactly the same. The book was basically just in English but written in a different script, a bit like a cypher. For Robert, who had already struggled with Sanskrit some time ago, this was a piece of cake.

On the side next to the book lay Genya's opened letter.

Dear Robert! 

I’ve got some very unexpected but not unpleasant news to share. General Kirigan decided to draft me into the army, thus ending my stay with the royal family for good. When you receive this letter I am already on my way to Kribirsk to join with the army camp stationed there. 

I heard what happened during the presentation, Fedyor told me what you said to him about it. It makes me sad that such a serious accident happened with you in the middle of it. If you knew what was going to happen, I can completely understand your refusal to present. It wasn't your fault. I hope you'll come to terms with your powers one day and be able to put this all behind you.

To be honest I'm looking into the future quite hopefully. Leaving the palace is something I've wanted to do for the longest time. The only thing I regret is that I won't be able to see you and all the others for some time now. Though it won't be too long: I plan to come back to visit you and David during the winter fête next month! Until then - stay true to yourself, nobody can tell you what you can and cannot do. Being a Grisha is a part of who you are, but it is not the only one. This life might be new and scary for you, but you are not alone.

At least in my mind, we’ve become friends. 

All the best,

Genya

Robert absentmindedly had looked up from his notebook, smiling at the letter. In his mind, they had become friends, too.

Robert didn't know what it was that compelled him to show up for training with Baghra that morning. Maybe it was out of spite, maybe it were Genya's words that prompted him, or maybe it was just a whim. When he closed his eyes there was that look from black eyes, almost shaken, the murmured pleas and the soft tingling in his chest at the way Aleksander had tried to make him promise to keep himself safe.

So he now found himself back inside the dimly lit cave. He didn't even know what he was doing here. After a few minutes Baghra came out of the back of the cave, he didn’t even hear her, she might as well have just appeared right out of the shadows for all he knew.

"So we meet again."

She was holding a cup of tea in her hand and held it out to Robert. He automatically took it, stood there, perplexed.

"Take a seat“, Baghra said in a commanding tone and dropped into the opposite chair unceremoniously.

Robert sat down and warmed his ice-cold fingers on the cup. It smelled exotic. Baghra looked at him expectantly. He sighed inwardly. The taster would have been really welcome here. He sipped carefully so as not to burn himself. The tea tasted a bit of spices.

"What changed?", Baghra asked.

"Nothing."

"You have a gift, yet you refuse to use it." She regarded him with an intense look. "This had already started before the presentation, so it can't be your guilty conscience, as overbearing as that might be. What makes you hold back?" Her question was sharp. "Is it fear? Prejudice? Stubbornness?"

"I have my reasons." 

"You might have, but do they hold up against being responsible for the imminent death of thousands?“

Robert jumped up from his chair. "You don’t -" he began, interrupted himself, he felt dizzy, „I-", he started again, but the candlelight reflected strangely in his eyes. He blinked. He felt nauseous, his heart was racing.

"That tea should be taking effect.“

Robert could no longer see clearly in front of him, everything was blurring in front of his eyes. "What...?" The room was spinning around him, he had no strength left, fell back into the chair, he could hardly keep his eyes open, felt as if he was falling - had she poisoned him? 

Oh, finally.

He was anticipating the sweet release of death, when - sunlight blinded him. Robert looked up, he was... in a park. There was a man standing in the middle of the path, he was wearing a long black coat, holding a hat in his hand, from where did he know... Two men walked past him, Robert turned around, he took a sharp breath. They were Albert Einstein and... and himself, before…

"Where are you, child?" He heard Baghra's voice from all around him, from afar, from inside his head.

As if in a trance, he answered. "Princeton. In the Park." What made him answer this horrible woman?

"What day is this?", Baghra asked.

He felt as if he was no longer in control of his tongue, couldn't hold back, his inhibitions were gone. "The day I went to get Albert's advice."

He couldn't take his eyes off Albert and the version of himself. He knew exactly what was written on the piece of paper that his past self had pressed into his friend’s hand at that moment.

"What-" Albert stopped. The piece of paper held unfolded in his hand. "Whose... whose work is this?" He walked slowly on.

"Teller's," past Robert said.

"What do you take it to mean?"

Robert's heart sank. "Neutrons smash into nucleus, releasing neutrons to smash into other nuclei. Criticality, a point of no return, massive explosive force. But this time, the chain reaction doesn’t stop.”

“It would ignite the atmosphere.” Albert stopped and looked at him intently.

“When we detonate an atomic device, we might start a chain reaction that… destroys the world.”

“So here we are, hm? Lost in your quantum world of probabilities and needing certainty."

"Can you run the calculations yourself?"

Albert scoffed and shook his head. “About the only thing you and I have in common is a disdain for mathematics. Who’s working on this in Berkeley?”

“Hans Bethe.”

“Well, he’ll get to the truth.”

„What happened on this day?“ Baghras voice asked from behind his eyes.

Robert spoke quietly. „I showed him Teller's calculations. I asked him what I should do if they were correct."

"Were they correct?“

Robert blinked against the light. The version of himself looked intently at Albert. „And if the truth is catastrophic?"

„Yes“, he whispered.

„What did your friend tell you?"

Robert stared at Albert, who was looking at his past self intently.

"Then you stop. And you share your findings with the Nazis. So neither side destroys the world."

Past-him nodded and turned to leave.

"What did you decide?"

"Robert." Albert called him again, he turned around. He held out the piece of paper to him. "This is yours, not mine."

Past him looked down at the paper, then reached for it. He took it, folded it. With that, he turned around, put the piece of paper in his coat pocket and left.

He breathed in. Blinked. Swayed. The park in front of him had disappeared. The bright light dimmed. He was back in the cave.

"You asked for advice but didn't follow it.“ Baghra’s voice, slowly coming close by, in front of him.

Robert breathed out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I was the project manager. I should have overruled the government, made the decision alone."

"But you didn't. What did the calculations mean? What were you working on?" She looked at him intently. "What happened?"

His breath died in his lungs. No, he couldn't, something inside him held him tight, pulled at him with an incredible force that outweighed all trance immeasurably; his tongue was stuck, he felt something tearing into him, as if through a wall of fog, suddenly he saw Baghra clearly again. He blinked against his blurring vision. What had she done to him? He felt his consciousness gradually returning.

"Are you going to answer my question today?"

Robert looked at her, hurt welling up behind his eyes. “I believed an almost zero chance was insignificant."

"So you made a wrong decision." She looked at him intently. "And now you try to stop yourself from ever doing another mistake again by doing nothing at all.“ She got up from her seat. "Now get over it, make your hands touch and finally bring the light!“

"These powers are mocking me for my mistakes!“ Robert looked up with blurry eyes. "They embody everything I regret to having done!"

Baghra stared at him. "Fine, then just leave it! What then?", she spat, "What do you think will happen? Do you carry on living your life here, undisturbed? The world is a cruel place, boy. If you don’t control what’s within you, others will come and take it into their own hands instead. And your raw power alone won’t save you then. You will be easy prey." She scoffed. "Can you hide your whole life? I wouldn’t be so sure about that. You don’t know yet how long that might be. And the monsters? You don't even know in what shadows they are lurking around you already!“

"I will be long gone before that happens."

"Oh yeah? Where do you want to go? Do you think you would be safer anywhere else?" She let out a mock laugh. Robert looked at her firmly. "Your powers might be incomprehensible on their own, but don’t forget that they are tied to you. Do you really think they can't use you for their own purposes? Are you really that naive?!“

"I'll be gone." Robert looked at her with the remnants of his smile.

Baghra snorted. "And where do you think you can hide, foolish boy?"

"When I'm dead I'll take these powers with me."

"Watch your tongue", she hissed. "Do not condemn yourself!"

"I can't possibly condemn myself any more than I already have."

She looked at him intently for a moment, something wild blazing in her eyes. She stared at him. "True repentance requires more than just your suffering.“ Robert’s eyes widened. "What happened with your project? It went wrong? Did you hurt someone? Kill someone?"

He didn't answer.

"It is not the power itself that is dangerous, but rather the fashion in which it is wielded," Baghra continued. "If anyone has any idea what it means to be careless, it is you, isn’t it? Who knows better what is at stake? Who would know better what responsibility means than someone who has already made a mistake, and one of unspeakable proportions as you must have certainly done?" She took a step towards him. "How many more innocent people need to die in this war because you are paralyzed in fear of making mistakes again?"

Robert left not even knowing in which direction he was running. Just away from this place. His steps over the gravel path, the sound following him, flooding his head, a static noise, the sun rays hit his face, he flinched, the phantom of heat, light on his face, Robert tuned around and ran randomly into the park to vanish between the trees. His feet carried him over grass and moss and he couldn't breathe properly, couldn't get any air, felt a stab to his side, he held on to a tree trunk, bent over, panting.

In his head, images raced past his inner eye. Firestorms. Flickering sparks, energy flashes, and light - so much light. The gadget was pulled up the tower. Flashing lights in the night. Rain over the test site, near zero and the screams Robert suddenly realized he actually couldn't even have heard at all -

“Sun summoner! I’m talking to you!”

He jumped up. A woman stood in front of him. Behind her were two guards. It was… the queen. Her expression was condescending, annoyed.

Robert was panting. He looked up at her.

“You still dare to show yourself here?“, the queen said, „I demand an explanation! Are you trying to sabotage our county?”

“I have no intention of interfering with any state affairs ever again,” he got out between shuddering breaths.

“Then what do you want? Are you hoping for money? Wealth? Will you go to Fjerda? To Shu Han? To offer them your powers?” She laughed. “They will enslave you.”

With his hand on the tree he slowly got up, took a shaky step toward the queen. “Don’t you have the very same intention?”

The queen gasped, anger permeating her features. “How dare you- You speak heresy! The crown of Ravka is blessed by the saints!”

“The divine right of kings is but an illusion.”

She raised her index finger, pointing at him. "Who do you even think you are-"

"Moya Tsaritsa-", one of her guards said, but she took a step forward, did not stop.

"I think about it often, these days," Robert said, looking towards her unfocused, lost along the way. "The line from the Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad Gita. Vishnu is trying to persuade the Prince that he should do his duty and, to impress him, takes on his multi-armed form and says: ‘Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.’"

She stared at him with wild flickering eyes, he met her gaze in just the same intensity. "You... you abomination..." her eyes widened. "You’ve poisoned him, haven’t you? My husband is getting feverish and you -"

She lunged forward, hand reaching to grab him, but suddenly there was a black ribbon around her wrist, she jumped, tried to pull her hand back, the material of her sleeve hissed and started to smoke, the guards reached for their weapons, stopped in mid-movement. The sky darkened, shadows lengthened like thick, flowing water. Black clouds of fog wafted over the forest floor.

Aleksander stepped past Robert, his arm outstretched. He motioned for Robert to stay behind him, positioning himself between him and the queen. Robert shivered. The sun had disappeared and now he could feel how cold the park actually was.

A prickling sensation on the side of his leg. He looked down. Shadows coiled around his legs protectively. For a moment he could swear he felt some kind of sparks of warmth coming from the darkness around him, igniting something pleasantly warm within himself.

“It is time to leave, your majesty." Aleksander’s voice was ice cold, sharp like a blade. "The sun summoner will come with me.”

The queen glared at Robert, half obscured by Aleksander’s looming form. Robert felt so small behind him. Aleksander took another step towards her. His movements were slow and charged with tension.

She immediately took a step backwards. The queen looked past Aleksander straight into Robert's face. “Call your guard dog back”, she sputtered, staring at Robert wide eyed, chest heaving. Her eyes flickered between him and Aleksander, back and forth. Aleksander’s hand found Robert’s. Robert held it tight. The black tendril on the queen’s arm dissolved into the air. There were black marks on her sleeve.

After a moment the queen straightened, taking a step back. Her head held high, she scoffed. "Be thankful for the king's obsession with General Zlatan," she hissed towards Robert. The queen gave him one last hateful look. "I would have had you executed."

With that she turned demonstratively around and left, followed by her guards. Once they were out of sight, Aleksander turned around at once.

"What were you thinking?!“, he hissed quietly, not letting go of Roberts hand. As he looked him in the eyes, his voice immediately softened. „Do you realize you put yourself in danger, saying words like that?“

"Don’t start lecturing me." Robert laughed void of humour. "I’ve just had my sixth mental breakdown this week, I am a man on the edge."

Robert swayed on his feet, trying to stay on the ground that was wobbling around beneath him. Aleksander immediately came to steady him, preventing him from tripping. The aftereffects of the tea made the ground sway. Without a word, Aleksander took Robert's hand and linked it with his arm. Robert was grateful that he didn't comment on that. Together they walked slowly through the park back in the direction of the small palace.

They walked quietly for a while.

"The queen is very kind," Robert said sarcastically with a snort.

Aleksander hummed. “I could get rid of her for you." Robert looked up at Aleksander. A voice that gave him goosebumps. "Just say the word, and it will be arranged."

Robert blinked. Even though he knew that this was obviously meant as a joke, he couldn't help but imagine for a second that Aleksander would actually do that... for him. He blinked again, shocked by his own mind.

"No need, but thanks for the option." He laughed awkwardly. For a moment they walked quietly along the path together.

"Something has been bothering you before the queen." Aleksander looked at him, eyes widened. "What did Baghra do?" His question was sharp, almost like that of the object of the conversation itself.

It's just... why not tell him?

"I just had to relive some memories I'd rather not had," Robert said with a sigh.

"What did you just say?" Aleksander stopped, Robert still holding his arm stopping with him. They had reached the little palace again.

"I just went back to her this morning and she... put something in my tea. It was.. unpleasant. But I'm okay now." Aleksander stared at him, there was… something in his dark eyes. "Really, I'm fine“, Robert said wit a half smile, trying discreetly to keep his balance with his arm linked with Aleksander.

"Fedyor!" Aleksander called over Robert's shoulder, he turned around. The heartrender in question had just stepped out of the entrance to the little palace. A group of Grisha continued walking, Fedyor went towards Robert and Aleksander.

"Accompany Mister Oppenheimer to the library," Aleksander commanded, "Keep an eye on him." He looked at Robert again, gently freeing himself from his grip. "I still have urgent business that needs to be taken care of", he said softly. "I'll meet you shortly in the library?"

Robert nodded.

Aleksander gave Fedyor a firm look. "The sun summoner is not to be disturbed."

Fedyor nodded. Aleksander looked at Robert once more, then turned around and walked back along the path towards the park. Robert watched the long black cloak flutter behind his long steps.

"Shall we?" Fedyor asked from the side after a moment.

Robert pulled away and went up next to Fedyor. As they walked, Fedyor made a gesture in Robert's direction.

"I'm fine," Robert said.

The heartrender looked at him for a moment, then back to the front. They walked side by side in silence. Robert studied him from the side. Huh. He seemed... kind of down.

"How about you? Are you fine?“, Robert asked softly after a moment.

Fedyor snapped out of his thoughtful state. "Oh, yeah, sure." He laughed sheepishly.

Robert stopped. "Something’s wrong, even I can see that."

Fedyor shifted from one foot to the other. Oh no. Robert realized that he might have gone a bit too far.

"Sorry, I overstepped. That’s none of my business and-"

"No, it’s okay“, Fedyor said, giving Robert a half smile. „It’s just that… I miss Ivan, you know?" He shrugged. "But honestly, he should have seen it coming. I mean he definitely went overboard with it during dinner- "

"What happened?"

"Oh, didn’t you hear? General Krigan sent him away, to reassess his priorities. Zoya as well. Ivan has an assignment in Kribirsk. He has just written but… I just… miss him."

Oh? He missed him a lot, that meant… "You and him are a couple?", Robert asked, unable to hide his surprise.

Fedyor blushed. "Ivan is my husband."

Robert blinked, genuinely surprised. He smiled inwardly. At least one thing in which this world was better than his had been.

"I'm sure it won't be long", Robert said softly. "If it's just for a mission he will surely get that done quickly." At that he grinned. "I know first hand how effective he is." Being knocked unconscious by Ivan had not been a pleasant experience.

Fedyor smiled. "He wrote to me today. They're probably pretty close to their target already."

"See? Told you so!“

At that Fedyor laughed. They continued on their way, he seemed less troubled now. "After dinner we had a serious talk. I explained to him what you are really like. But… Ivan is still not really taken with you." He shrugged. "I tried."

"I don’t mind“, Robert said with a chuckle.

Fedyor scoffed humorously. "Well you don’t, but I do! Can’t have my husband hating one of my new best friends, can I?"

Robert felt a warm feeling in his chest. In the last days he had begun to see the heartrender as a friend as well.

Fedyor scoffed in a playful manner. "What can I do? My better half is stubborn for the both of us!“

At that Robert couldn’t help but snort in a definitely undignified manner.

"'The mechanics of new age travelling'… Are you planning on building a railway, Mister Oppenheimer?" A deep, low chuckle.

Robert looked up from his book. He was sitting in a niche by the window of the library, with several books laying open in front of him. There was no sign of the king's advisor. In front of him at the table stood Aleksander, holding the top book of his stack in his hand and leafing through it casually.

"I'm just doing some research", Robert said.

Aleksander looked up from the pages, closing the book. "May I?“, he asked, pointing to the empty seat opposite.

Robert nodded, watching as he sat down. The way his black eyes scanned the titles of the remaining books on his stack, his fingers absently stroking the spine and the gold-printed letters of the book he was still holding. Where was he? He was here to read. Robert tried again to get into the strange script.

"From now on you will no longer go to Baghra for training." Robert looked up from his book. Aleksander looked at him with a serious look mixed with... determination. "From now on you will train with me."

Robert felt his heartbeat slightly pick up. He hadn't changed his mind at all, shouldn't he tell him now that it was pointless? Why had he gone to Baghra again? "I'm a theorist. I hate practical work," he said instead. He didn't have the heart to offend him.

Aleksander looked at him with a glint in his eyes. "Even a theorist needs material to study."

Robert chuckled. "If you had known me during my time at Cambridge, you would reconsider.“

Aleksander laughed. Robert was fixed on him. Scrunching up his nose like that, how he tilted his head a little to the side so that suddenly the light of the afternoon sun hit his extraordinary eyes at that angle, making them glitter like the broken edge of obsidian, black eyes that captivated him everyone… Aleksander usually wore his dark hair neatly combed back, but now Robert noticed that two strands had come loose and were falling a little onto his forehead on the left, he felt the sudden impulse to reach out and comb them back with his fingers, Robert stared at him, the sound of his laughter was pleasant, what the hell, he couldn’t help a soft smile, why did that feel so carefree?

Robert felt his face heat up and looked off to the side somewhere, completely going over the book in front of him and just looking off to the shelves instead. His heart was hammering in his chest. Why couldn’t he help the smile on his lips?

"I suppose you’re looking for books on physics, am I right?"

Robert turned back to Aleksander. At that moment he had already stood up and was walking over to a shelf. He watched him reach for a book, looked at how Aleksander weighed it in his hand, stood in front of the shelf for a moment, then reached for a second book and returned to the table. Robert almost felt caught when he turned around and caught his stare.

"Here, this is a general introduction to physics, and this one is more focused on mechanics." Aleksander held out the books to him. Robert looked up at, then finally remembering to reach out and to take the books. Aleksander sat down again.

"If you have any questions you can always come to me,“ Aleksander said, looking at the books on the table in front of Robert, "I'm happy to answer even more than twice," he said in a teasing tone.

At that Robert scoffed. "I only need to ask twice if the first answer wasn't adequate."

Aleksander leaned back and pressed his hand to his chest, pretending to be hurt. "You've wounded me!" Robert snorted. "I promise to do better“, Aleksander said with a chuckle.

For a moment they just sat together. He took one of the books Aleksander had given him and flipped through the first pages to find the table of contents.

"Can you tell me more about your job as a physicist before you arrived here?" Robert looked up. Aleksander looked at him with interest. "What is your area of research?"

"I'm a theoretical physicist. My field is quantum physics."

Aleksander’s look turned a bit… puzzled.

Robert chuckled fondly. "But I also did a bit of astrophysics."

"What did you do there?"

"For example, I did calculations on the death of stars. What can become of them."

"The death of stars?" Aleksander stared at him intently. "I did not know… that they even could die. That’s… fundamental. I wish I had known."

"Sometimes I wish I didn’t."

For a moment they stayed silent. Robert dared to look up again, Aleksander had a soft look in his eyes. “I wish I could understand physics better. I’m afraid I don’t have the talent for it." Aleksander looked down on a book, randomly flipping though the pages.

"I’m sure you have other strengths." 

At that Aleksander looked up, staring at Robert with wide eyes. This time Robert looked down to the table and laughed. What was it today with being unable to hold his gaze? His heart was pounding. "Physics really isn’t the be-all and end-all."

"But I would like to understand what you do better", Aleksander said. "Why are you so interested in your field? What is physics to you?"

"Well… how should I describe it?" Aleksander looked at him expectantly while Robert thought about it. "Someone I knew once told me that algebra was like sheet music. I think that's an analogy that can be applied to other areas of science as well. Of course, all those formulas you find in textbooks are just dry stuff. But think of them like sheet music. They tell you about the world like those notes on lines tell you about a piece. You can use them to play the sounds that makes up the world, but just reading the notes is not the important thing. It's about understanding their context.“ Robert chuckled. „I know I'm a theoretical physicist so I can't offer you much practical experience, but physics is connected to all aspects of our lives.“ He looked at Aleksander intently, excitement welling in his chest. „Let's just take quantum physics. What is the world made of? Why can we experience it like this? I don't know how you imagine them but... Atoms are not solid spheres. This table, these book, even our bodies… all of it. It's mostly empty space. Groupings of tiny energy waves bound together by forces of attraction strong enough to convince us that matter is solid, stop my hand passing through the book." He demonstratively pressed his flat hand against the open page. "And when you finally realize that everything is connected, when you understand - then you can hear the music."

Black eyes stared at him as if spellbound. Aleksander had rested his elbow on the table and propped his head up with his hand, following every word Robert said as if enchanted. Robert had completely lost track of time while he was talking, had let himself get carried away. Were these still after-effects from the tea? No, it had long since worn off, it was all from him...

Now he blinked and looked nervously at Aleksander. "Sorry if that doesn't make any sense…"

"No, it does... it's certainly a beautiful thought." Aleksander smiled. "If I could see into your mind for just a moment, I think the world would be a different place for me.“

Robert turned to the window and looked out at the palace gardens. What did he mean by that? Did he mean that he liked Robert's silly little explanation? Probably just being nice… Why did Robert try so hard to read something between the lines here? Damn, when did he start to become so self-conscious?

"When do I get to see you again?"

Robert looked away from the window and stared at Aleksander. He blinked. "You see me everyday", he said, a bit perplexed.

"I’d like to learn more about you- your studies." Aleksander’s voice was somehow shaky. "If you want to tell me about it?"

"Are you not tired of me yet?“, Robert said with a laugh.

Aleksander smiled, standing up. The bright light of the sun hit the dark embroidery of his Kefta in a way that made it almost appear  silver. "Then I'll see you tomorrow?"

Robert suddenly ran out of words, as if he had been blown away. “…I guess?”, he managed. 

With that Aleksander nodded, turning around to leave. Just before he disappeared through the library door, he turned back once again and looked at Robert. Why? The real question was, why had Robert looked at him? Aleksander smiled once more and left.

Robert’s gaze lingered for a moment on the doorframe, even after he had left. He suddenly felt the need to see Aleksander more. Huh? Probably just because he knew that now no one would expect him to visit Baghra anymore, which was a blessing. Wait- had he just… agreed? To train his powers with Aleksander? Did he in lack of another response now believe him willing to use them for some reason? Oh no, Robert would have to tell him then… tomorrow… he could already see his disappointed face in his mind. And why again did he even care so much about that?!

Robert sighed, burrowing his face in his hands. Baghra's words echoed through his head. No, he would not give in. Was his decision real, or was he just paralyzed? But… as much as he hated to admit it, in some aspects she was right. Sooner or later he would not be able to hide anymore. What then? But there was a hand on his back, another stroking his hair softly, Aleksander's murmuring reassurance in his ear, promising to keep him safe. That damn tea was driving him crazy. Maybe he already was.

He looked up. Maybe there could be another way. Robert was a theorist. His mind was still his, his knowledge. Maybe there was another solution. Aleksander had said it himself - it was not magic, but science.

Robert had some research to do.

Chapter Text

(Earlier that day)

He was furious. Whirling shadows whipped along the stone walls. Aleksander walked back and forth in the cave. "How dare you-!"

His mother sat casually on the chair in front of him. "And it wasn't even worth it," she said mockingly.

Aleksander's heart raced with anger. "You have crossed a line! You won't go near him again!“

"Now you're taking sides for your fancy sun summoner? Don't you want him to work, too?“

"Don't talk about him like that!"

She snorted. "Like what, like the tool he is?"

There was a sharp stab to Aleksanders chest. "I'll make sure he feels comfortable here, safe." He fought to keep his voice steady. "And right now you're standing in my way."

"You want to make him like you?", his mother said in a mocking tone. She let out a bitter laugh. "That man doesn't even like himself."

"I'll make him realize his potential-"

"Realize his potential?" She raised from her seat, "Saints, Aleksander! He won’t care about anything like that at all! That man is suicidal!"

How could she say something like that? Anger flashed behind his eyes. No, Robert couldn't - "He won't do such a thing!" Aleksander took an angry step towards his mother. "I'll make him see how precious he is and then-"

"Oh… oh", she said in a mockingly surprised tone, "You - you think you have feelings for him?" She scoffed. "You might have earned yourself respect, boy, but love? Do you even know what that is?" 

Aleksander ran a hand through his hair, exasperated. "He is my equal, he -"

"The only thing you might be interested in is the idea of ​​him you have in your head."

Shadows swirled around his legs agitatedly. "I already know him so much better than you ever could!"

His mother rolled her eyes, clearly unimpressed. "What are you even hoping to achieve with this?“ She snorted. „Do you think anything real could come of it? Are you stupid, boy?" She laughed, mocking him. "And what will you do even if he would? If you let another close, do you really think you could hide? What happens next year? In ten years, in twenty?“ She took a step towards him, flickering eyes. „What will happen once he realizes that you don’t grow older?"

Aleksander clenched his fists, struggling to maintain his composure. "He is the sun summoner- !“

"He might be immortal like you, but what then? The man is not stupid, he will realize what you are, sooner or later. Your dreams are only temporary, until the truth makes its way. How do you think your precious Robert will react to that?" 

Shadows lashed the walls. "Don’t you dare put his name into your mouth-"

"How quickly you resort to threats, Aleksander.“ She shot him a withering look. “This man is crippled by guilt. Do you really think that he could fall for the black heretic? That he could love a man like you?“

She stared at him with something in her eyes that he could not even describe, something he wished he had never seen at all. There was something burning in the back of Aleksander's throat. The image of Robert leaning casually against the fountain rushed past his inner eye, the sunlight on his face, he turned to him, smiled, blue eyes glittering, full of possibilities and future, like the cloudless, endless sky on a sunny winter morning -

“You and I know that I’m not the monster history makes me out to be, mother." His voice was choked. 

Aleksander… felt understood by Robert. For the first time in his entire life, he had the feeling that he was not being judged by someone. But Robert didn’t know that Aleksander himself was the man they had been talking about at the fountain. Would he still-?

“From now on, I will take over the training of the sun summoner. You will never go near him again!“ Aleksander exhaled sharply, the tension palpable.

"I have not forgotten who you are", his mother said coldly, turning away from him. "I have given up trying to teach you anything."

Aleksander stared at his mother’s back, he wanted to scream, grab her shoulders, make her turn around to face him, to look him in the eyes and tell him that she cared, that his mother still cared, tell him that she didn’t abandon him. He just stood there, his heart empty, his throat tied.

"Leave me alone", Baghra said. "I have nothing more to say to you.“

Without waiting any longer, Aleksander turned around and left the cave. He strutted down the path, the wind catching in his hair, his cloak billowing behind him. Robert had said that he could understand the black heretic in some ways... but then? Baghra was wrong, she was just wrong! Robert would not turn away from him just because he was the black heretic! No. But... Robert knew some truths, knew him by his given name, knew that he was Aleksander, the shadow summoner. But… Aleksander had lied to him since the moment he had first seen him on that cot back there in the medical tent. Introduced himself with a fake name, Kirigan, the General… All while he very well knew what his last name actually was... Saintsforsakened Morozova... Thus making him Aleksander, the black heretic.

If Robert found out the truth, he would know that Aleksander had lied to him.

Would he forgive him?

How could he be honest with Robert without losing his trust? How could he protect the Grisha in the midst of all this? How could he do both?

(The next day)

The conversation with Robert in the library yesterday had somehow filled Aleksander with wonder. During the night he had spend a few hours up reading, barely able to fall asleep. If Robert would look for more books on physics, there would be a suspicious lack of them in the library now. Oh well… lets hope he didn’t notice.

Aleksander had still had a few matters to attend to in his role as a general today, so it had already become evening. Now he stood there, after having asked a maid to call for Robert, waiting in the courtyard in front of the training grounds.

After a few minutes Robert came through the door, a book in his hand. Was it one of the ones he had given him? Robert looked a bit disshelved, Kefta opened, this time wearing his white dress shirt underneath. The gold of the embroidery glittered beautifully in the evening sun.

"Hello", Aleksander said, watching his saint walk towards him. Robert smiled like sunshine.

"I was told I have an appointment here?", Robert said with a hint of humor, coming up next to him.

Aleksander looked at Robert's relaxed form, feeling warmth rise to his cheeks. "As I said, training with Baghra is canceled. I will teach you personally." 

"I heard that I'm not the best student." 

Aleksander couldn't suppress a smile at that. He looked at the floor. "Baghra is biased. She is bitter. Don't take her too seriously." He walked towards the middle of the square, looking back to Robert. "Come. I think we should take a more practical approach."

"You say that now," Robert said with a laugh, "you just don't know yet how bad I am at practical work!“

Aleksander looked at him for a moment, something fluttering in his chest at the sound of Robert's soft laugh. He looked at him fondly. He understood what Robert actually meant to say with that. "You don't have to explain yourself. I won't make you summon. Just watch me, okay?" Robert nodded. For a split second Aleksander could have sworn there was a certain glimmer to his beautiful blue eyes. Did he miss it? "The techniques I use might be interesting for you too", he continued, trying to focus. "I know that you are a theoretician. For now, it is enough for me to know that you have a basic idea of ​​what you could do if you were in a situation that required your action. We can start training like that. Maybe later…"

„Theory only takes us so far“, Robert said in a wistful tone. 

“Let’s not think about that for now.” Aleksander smiled at him softly. He pointed his arm out demonstratively and gestured around the square. “May I give you a performance of my shadow summoning, dear Mister Oppenheimer?”, he said playfully trying to brighten the mood up again.

Robert laughed, there it was again, that sparkle in his eyes, Aleksander felt a pleasant tingle in his chest.

“What a convenient coincidence, General," Robert answered humorously, "since I appear to have gotten a ticket for the show, and I heard it’s about to start.”

Aleksander laughed. “Very well, Mister Oppenheimer. Let’s see…” he pretended to read something in his hand “you qualify for a front row seat.”

Robert laughed again. “I believe someone else made that reservation for me.”

Aleksander’s heart skipped a beat at the sound. He wanted to hear his saint’s laugh more often.

His pulse quickened. He finally had the chance to convince Robert of his powers, to demonstrate his might as a shadow summoner. A lot was at stake now, Aleksander had to impress him! His saint stood before him, unaware of the multitude of thoughts that Aleksander had had put into this training session in advance. Once he knew what he was even at his most basic level capable of, Robert would feel safe in his hands and would know that Aleksander was able to protect him like no one else. This was probably just the most important presentation of his powers Aleksander had ever given. He had to show his best side.

The training grounds were empty, Aleksander had specifically instructed everyone to stay away. Now he was alone with Robert.

He glanced over at his saint who was looking at him expectantly, the book still in his hand. No, it was actually a notebook. Did he want to take notes? Aleksander’s heart swelled at the thought. Oh saints, no pressure! 

"Are you ready, Robert?", he asked, just to make sure.

"I'm ready.“ Robert was holding the notebook opened, a pencil in his hand. „Actually looking forward to it." 

Aleksander’s cheeks warmed. Every single one of those many minutes of thought he had put into this had been more than worth it. Saints, Robert was actually preparing to take notes on Alexander's powers? He was such a scientist… Why did he have to be so cute?

Aleksander took a few steps into the middle of the training grounds, around him were already some training dummies prepared. His hands were a bit shaky. Keep calm, breathe in and out. Saints, he was so far gone. But calling to the saints wouldn't help him now, with the most important one standing right here. He looked over at Robert, standing off to the side, watching him.

“Aright, starting slowly.” With one simple gesture Aleksander felt the familiar pull of his summoning and immediately a small wave of shadows began to circle him. It was something he had done a million times before, easy enough that he barely had to concentrate. He let the shadows flow around effortlessly, black fog on the ground, looking over to see Roberts reaction. With another flick of his wrist the shadows stopped their movement and spread out over the floor like water, flowing towards Robert, continuing to circle around his saint's legs instead now. 

"Nice", Robert said and watched the movement intently.

A flutter in his chest. Aleksander chuckled softly, pleased by Roberts reaction. With a second flick of his wrist the shadows dissipated into the air in a weave of black smoke.

With a fluid movement Aleksander summoned a new wave of shadows, making them glide around the air of the training grounds like a gust of black wind, almost like a dance. His hands had stopped shaking, so he was able to let them weave and twirl around in their centuries old perfect ballet. Even after all these years, he still enjoyed watching them like the very first time he had managed to make them dance.

He glanced over at Robert, who was looking up from his notebook, watching Aleksander’s display with interest. His heart beat faster in his chest, saints, he enjoyed showing off for Robert so much, he couldn’t wait to show him so much more. 

"How did you do that?" Robert asked, clearly interested. 

“Watch my gestures,” Aleksander said, repeating what he did before. He really wanted Robert to have something for himself from this too. "It's pretty basic, just a small wave of shadows. I did it like this... See?" Aleksander did it again, slower, eyes fixed on Robert who was looking up from his notebook. The shadows around Aleksander responded immediately, swirling and moving like almost something alive. They twisted and danced in the air, following his every command with the kind of elegance and grace one could only master after centuries. 

Robert pointed towards one of the shadows that was hovering closest to him. “They pulsate with your breath?”

Aleksander looked at Robert, who was staring at the dark shape in front of him that was now hovering in the same place. The concentration on his saint's face was adorable. Aleksander had already known that the shadows were moving with his body like this as well. "They are a part of me, I guess that’s why." 

Robert wrote something down. "Got it. So these are the basic movements." He looked up from the notebook. "What comes next?"

Aleksander smiled, taking down his hand, making the shadows disappear with a flick of his wrist. "Now, my Robert, it gets more advanced." 

He had of course already thought about what he would present to Robert, and since his saint had already seen the cut, Aleksander had chosen something else for this part. He glanced at Robert, then held out one hand, a smile playing on his lips.

Robert looked at him a bit puzzled. "I'm not summoning," he said.

"Oh no, sorry," Aleksander's heart was beating like crazy, "I just meant for you to come closer." He chuckled nervously.

"Ah, alright," Robert said with a bit wavering voice, then stepping a bit closer.

Now he was next to Aleksander, facing the training dummies. Robert took a quick note, the scratching sound of his pencil on paper. What was he writing now? Aleksander kept glancing over to the side, trying to peek at Roberts notes, but his handwriting was illegible from here.

Well, he had to deliver now, so back on to focus! With a determined move he called upon the shadows again, this time commanding them in a different way. The image of his creation projected into the space in front of him. Black strands were flickering through the air almost like loose ropes. Robert was standing next to him, so close, looking up, watching what he was doing, Aleksander could almost feel the heat coming off of him.

"How do you know what exact movements are doing what?", Robert asked.

Aleksander looked down to him. "I... I feel it, I think."

"You never had to learn them? Like those poses I saw the other Grisha do here the other day at training?"

He thought about it for a moment. "When I was a boy my mother taught me a lot of things. But... that's long gone. I invented the more advanced techniques myself anyways."

"So your mother trained you? Was she a shadow summoner as well?"

"Yes." He said in a wistful tone. "But, let's not talk about her. She stopped training me, and by now I don't think I need her anymore. That was a really long time ago."

Robert smiled softly. “So those gestures are muscle memory at this point.”

Aleksander laughed. "One could certainly say so."

Robert let out a quiet chuckle.

He took a deep breath. Aleksander started moving his other hand, making a slow series of fluid gestures. The shadows around him responded immediately to his commands, shifting and turning in the air. With a final movement he organized them and the dark tendons moved into place, hovering in front of him. The shadows formed a web in the air, every dark line shifting in the loose formation, almost vibrating.

"That looks like a net," Robert remarked from the side.

Aleksander’s heart skipped a beat, proud that his saint had immediately recognized what he was going for. "A technique I developed myself." 

"That's interesting... what can you do with it? Can it capture opponents?"

Aleksander grinned, feeling his excitement to demonstrate for Robert growing, if that was even possible. "Not exactly," he answered with a chuckle.

He took a step back, putting some distance between them, so that Robert could get a better view of what Aleksander was about to do. Ready to begin the next part of his demonstration, Aleksander spread his arms. At once the net of shadows aligned with his arms, snapping into position. Aligned and ready. He breathed in. Aleksander gave the command and immediately the shadows surged forward, cutting through the air, slicing effortlessly through the training dummy behind, then vanishing a few meters after their target with a flick of his wrist. 

The training dummy collapsed into many small, perfect pieces. The edges darkened, charred and black with shadows. At Roberts small gasp behind him Aleksander quickly turned around. His saint stared wide eyed at the remains of the dummy.

"That was… impressive."

Aleksander felt a spark the instance their eyes met, heart beat picking up again, he had calmed down so well, why now again - He looked into Robert's eyes, glistening with that heavenly blue, the very same one that somehow had become his favorite color over the last days -

Robert cleared his throat. "Can I ask you something?’

"Of course."

"How do you do… the blade technique? I mean… the one similar to this, but just one shadow and wider, what you did when you saved me after the carriage attack?“

Aleksander looked at Robert intently. Had he really just asked if Aleksander could show him one of his most powerful techniques again? Had Robert liked it so much? His pulse raced, he didn’t even know what to answer.

"How can you make your shadows interact with objects even though they have no matter?", Robert asked.

Aleksander stared at him for a moment. That was such a smart question. "It’s all about the energy. If I put enough strength into them it allows me to make them interact with physical objects, even though they have no truly physical form themselves."

"Interesting…" Robert took a quick note.

Aleksander’s mind raced. Robert really wanted this, here. With him… "Would you like to see it again?", he said softly.

Robert looked up from writing and nodded. 

That he actually wanted to see more, wanted to understand his powers more deeply… Aleksander smiled, excited to show his saint one of his favourite techniques.

"It's all about precision", he explained, showing Robert the gesture he was about to use, "This way I’m controlling exactly how much of my power gets into them.“ Aleksander took a step to the side to make enough space and give Robert room to watch. He smiled. „Watch and learn.“

In a deliberate movement Aleksander spread his arms out, the training area darkened as if a cloud had moved in front of the sun. Shadows flowed across the floor towards Aleksander, condensing at his feet, he raised his arms and the shadows followed him, rising like thick, dark smoke; the fine black line formed in the space in front of him, in one fluid movement he brought his hands together and the shadows condensed into a blade, hovering in the air in front of him. The edge perfect and straight, sharper than any knife, thinner than a hair. The cut was hovering in front of him, slightly pulsating at the misty backside with the rhythm of his breath. It was completely black, like a perfect blade made of raw obsidian. Aleksander looked inconspicuously to the side at Robert. His saint was watching the shadow blade with big eyes, even taking a step closer towards Aleksander.

"A sight to behold", Robert said in awe, staring at the sharp blade of shadows.

Aleksanders heart hammered inside his chest, a wave of satisfaction and pride washing over him at Robert's amazed tone. His words of praise had such an effect on him, Aleksander consciously had to focus back on the present and stop staring at the man dumbstruck. 

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it", he said, his voice soft. Aleksander held the shadowy blade up for Robert to see, turning it slightly so that it demonstratively got to the perfect angle for Robert to see how impossibly sharp the edge really was. 

"It is… extraordinary." Robert leaned a bit closer, studying the cut. "Were you taught or did you come up with it yourself?“, he asked casually.

Aleksander felt a stab inside, something in his throat, but he quickly pushed it aside, focusing back on Robert instead. “My mother taught me. But it was a challenge to figure out how to infuse the shadows with enough power to actually cut through objects, and to make them stable enough to hold a shape as if they were material."

"What are its limits?"

That question caught him off guard. He had to think about it for a moment. His saint deserved a complete picture of his equal’s abilities, so Aleksander didn’t have to think long about it if he would share his secrets with Robert or not. His gaze drifted to the shadow blade in his hand. Aleksander tilted it a bit in the air with a flick of his finger, the blade flickering slightly at the backside.

“The cut requires focus and intent. It needs to be properly charged with my power. If I don’t maintain my focus and control, it can start to disintegrate.”

"And material wise? Any limits?”

At that Aleksander couldn’t help the grin. "I've never encountered anything in my life that the cut couldn’t handle. And that says a lot.“

Robert began to take notes again. Aleksander watched him write. His saint's curiosity was that of a true scientist, it was very endearing.

Aleksander suddenly had an idea. He looked at the cut hovering calmly in front of them, then back at Robert. “Do you want to hold it?”, he asked with a grin.

At that Robert looked up at him with big eyes "Uhm, how could I do that? I mean, practically?

Aleksander chuckled softly. “Hold out your hands, I’ll give it to you.”

Robert looked to the cut and then up to Aleksander, then back again, slowly holding out his hands, palms up. Aleksander couldn't help but notice at the scars, still red and fresh. A pang in his heart.

Aleksander took a step closer towards Robert, hand almost touching him now, he could swear there was some kind of warmth in the air, either that or it was just him feeling… nervous. His heart beating quickly he slowly moved the cut in his hands over top of Roberts outstretched palms. Aleksander lowered his hands, almost brushing over Robert's as he widened his arms. Like this he lowered the cut to hover in the air right above Robert's hands, his own now slightly to the side, though still in control.

Robert reached up slowly, pointing a finger against the blade's underside - he immediately recoiled, a few sparks flying from the place where he touched it. Aleksander immediately made it vanish.

"What happened?“ His voice was agitated.

"Why is it so hot?" Robert scoffed, rubbing his hand where his fingers had almost touched the blade.

"Are you hurt?"

"No, I’m fine." He looked at Aleksander, probably noticing his panicked look. A quiet chuckle. "Its okay, really. But you could have warned me.“

"I…" If Aleksander now admitted that he was just as puzzled as Robert, he would have just made himself look even more stupid. "I might have used too much power?” He looked away embarrassed. "I’m sorry, the heat is a bit unusual."

„Strange…", Robert said under his breath.

Aleksander felt a pang at his heart. He wasn’t nearly done showing his power to Robert! Would he still want to go on after this? 

"Are there any other techniques that you use?“, Robert asked unprompted.

His heart skipped a beat. Did his saint read his mind? This was… He felt almost giddy. Aleksander really enjoyed showing off his powers, especially to someone who seemed so genuinely interested in them, and the most of all to Robert. He really was interested, and he wanted to see more?! Saints, what luck! "Of course, we’ve merely scratched the surface. I’ll show you another one." Aleksander smiled full of excitement. "This one is a bit more intense, so you might want to take a step behind me.”

Robert followed his instructions. Aleksander raised his right arm, breathing in and out, focusing his power. Immediately a long wave of shadows formed, beginning to materialize from his outstretched hand. The shadow began to twist and writhe in his grasp, building up to a long rope like shape. They whirled and coiled around his wrist, lining up in his hand, their movements becoming more and more focused, whirring under tension, forming a long black rope in his hand, hovering in front of him. The air almost felt charged with static.

“I call this the whip," Aleksander said, his voice low and intense. “It might not be as mesmerizing as the cut, but it is just as useful.”

He could feel the hot gaze of Robert's eyes on his back.

He gave the shadow whip a few experimental flicks, the darkness making no sound where a normal whip would have been cracking through the air like thunder. The silence accompanying his elaborate move felt almost eery. Aleksander looked back over his shoulder at Robert, his saint was staring at the display with a gleam in his eyes.

“Want to see what it can do?”, he asked with a low chuckle.

Robert nodded eagerly. “Definitely.“

Aleksander grinned, feeling a sense of excitement… had he impressed his saint already? He definitely would show him everything again and again if he asked. There was so much he had in store for him Robert didn't even know about yet.

Aleksander turned back around. “Watch closely.” He raised his arm, in his hand languidly holding the shadow whip, wielding it with ease like an extension of his body. This was far too exciting for a simple training session. He quickly scanned the area, fixing his eyes on his target. He positioned his arm for the perfect angle. Even in movement he could control every part of his shadows, so he had a perfect accuracy rate. Surely a great trick to present to Robert.

Aleksander took a deep breath, then flicked his wrist, sending the shadow whip flying towards the training dummy to the left. The whip sliced through the air, quick like lightning, the black string lashing out with incredible speed and precision. It hit the dummy even quicker than the eye was able to see, leaving a dark, smoky mark on its surface where the shadows had made contact.

“Perfect shot,” Aleksander said with a satisfied grin. He turned back to Robert. “What do you think?”

"Impressive… did it leave scorch marks?" 

Scorch marks? Of course, there were the black marks the shadows left upon impact, but… then Aleksander noticed that there was actually a bit of smoke coming from the dark streaks on the dummy. Huh. His saint really had an eye for details. Aleksander walked over to the dummy, examining the surface where the whip hit it. Sure enough, there was a dark, clearly smoking streak embedded in the surface. 

Robert had come up to his side from behind, examining the spots himself up close. He was standing right next to him. "The energy in the shadow whip must be very strong. I wonder how you can control its level. Is that normal?"

Aleksander looked at Robert from the side, still examining the dark streaks. Robert looked up, their eyes met, a spark in his chest. He wasn't sure what to say.

"What do you understand about shadow summoning yourself in that matter?", Robert asked when he got no answer, "From your standpoint? Have you ever examined the nature of your shadows before?"

Aleksander almost felt caught. He blinked, looked to the side. He pondered the question for a moment. “Well, from a practical standpoint, I create shadows and infuse them with my power, guiding them, giving them form and substance. It’s a matter of harnessing the right amount of energy, and directing it in the precise way I envision.” Aleksander paused, letting that sink in before continuing. He looked back, Robert wrote something down. “But from a scientific standpoint…“ He scratched his chin, his expression thoughtful. „Well, I must confess that I have never questioned my powers on a scientific level."

"I'm happy to take that on," Robert said absently, making a note of something in his little book.

Aleksander almost stumbled. The fluttering feeling in his chest was making even the back of his neck tingle this time. A warmth flowed through his veins. Did Robert just say…? Trying to stop the smile from spreading was futile.

“It's a complex subject, to be sure", Aleksander said with a bit of a wavering voice, "There's a lot we still don't understand about shadow summoning, even after practicing it for centuries.” He paused for a moment, then grinned, a hint of playfulness in his voice. “But that's part of the charm, isn't it?”

Robert chuckled, smiling at his notes almost… enamoured - 

If the feeling in Aleksander’s chest every time he saw that smile had been for a different reason than the obvious, he would have most certainly died already, multiple times, in just one afternoon. Robert didn’t even know what power he held over him.

Aleksander was, in every sense of the word, smitten.

He only noticed when more and more drops started falling on his head. Robert had closed the notebook and looked up. The sky was dark, grey clouds had moved in front of the sun, there was a thunderstorm in the air. The air had turned sulphur yellow.

"Come on, let's go inside!" Robert said and touched him on the shoulder, bringing him back to reality immediately. The rain got stronger, Robert clutched the notebook to himself and sprinted off towards the entrance. Aleksander stood there for a moment as if struck by lightning. He went after him, and as soon as he had entered the palace there was a roar of thunder outside and the rain fell in thick sheets from the sky, flooding the training grounds. The door slammed shut behind him with a loud bang. Aleksander blinked into the semi-dark hallway, soft light from the lamps quite necessary since it had become so dark outside. His coat had gotten a bit heavy. He was a little... soaked.

Robert chuckled from the side. Aleksander turned around. Robert wrote something down in his book again, speaking without looking up. "I have to say, I liked this training much better than the one with Baghra."

Aleksander took a deep breath, the smile on his face was just stupid. They were now standing in the hallway in the small palace, the rain drumming softly on the closed windows. It was quiet, somewhere in the distance a slammed door echoed.

Robert closed the book. "Well, I guess I'll go back to my room then. It was... quite interesting." He smiled at him softly. "Thank you."

A stab in Aleksander's heart. He didn't want it to end yet! He still had so much that he wanted to present to Robert, his saint should get a comprehensive impression of his powers and strength. He just wanted to impress him even more.

Robert was just about to turn around and leave when Aleksander spoke. "You know, there's one other aspect of shadow summoning that I'm quite talented at.“

Robert turned back, eyebrows raised. "Go on“, he said, clearly intrigued.

Oh saints, he was so adorable! Aleksander took a step closer to Robert, his gaze fixed on him intently. “You see, shadow summoning doesn’t stop at creating weapons and controlling them. There’s another aspect to it, perhaps a bit more subtle.” He took another step closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “Would you like to see?” 

Robert nodded.

Aleksander grinned triumphantly, feeling a pleasant tingle of excitement. This one just had to impress Robert, he was sure of it! “Alright, little saint. Watch closely.” He just couldn’t help himself. Aleksander stepped back, finding a spot in the corner of the hallway. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he focused his power. He summoned soft shadows, growing around him, condensing and darkening the corner. The shadows around him started to swirl and spread, dancing at his command.

He took a step back, his back hitting the wall in the corner. With a wave of his hand, the shadows condensed, creating an aura saturated with darkness. The room was dark, the shadows in the corner even darker, black as the night. Aleksander had left a tiny hole in the wall of shadows to watch Robert from his position, his eyes wide, looking straight into the corner. “Can you still see me?”

"You’re lost to the darkness", Robert said bluntly, looking completely bewildered. "This certainly takes hiding in a dark corner to the next level.“

Aleksander grinned, not even necessary to cover up how pleased he was by Robert's reaction. “Pretty neat trick, isn’t it?”

Robert chuckled. "What if I did that as a sun summoner? Would I flicker around the edges of your vision like squinting at the sun?"

A gentle shiver ran down his spine. The image of the holy figure, glowing at the altar, beams of colorful light casting him in a mesmerising glow.

“You would blind everyone daring to look at you. You’d make everyone fall to their knees.“

Robert stared into his direction, blinking.

“Not exactly an ideal stealth technique, though“, Aleksander added with a chuckle, trying to cover up the level of his sincerity.

“I guess“, Robert snorted, Aleksander’s heart skipping a beat at the sound. "But I can give you a headache!"

At that he couldn’t help but laugh out loud. “Is that your secret weapon?”, Aleksander said in a playfully mocking tone. Robert laughed as well.

Him talking about his powers so casually felt like a fresh breath of air. Aleksander had apparently done something right, so that Robert felt comfortable around him and could joke about his abilities. Even though he knew his saint hadn’t changed his mind… but at that moment Aleksander just didn't care. It was nice to see Robert so happy.

With a wave of his hand, Aleksander made the shadows disappear, stepped out of the now not so dark corner, back to Robert's side.

"Certainly an interesting application of your powers," Robert said with a chuckle, still recovering from the laughter.

Aleksander smiled, pleased. Robert began to walk slowly down the hall, Aleksander at his side.

"What do you think shadows consist of?", Robert asked suddenly, "What are they made of?"

The question caught him off guard. Aleksander thought about it for a moment. "When we first met, you told me that shadows have no matter."

Robert stopped walking. He looked at him with wide eyes. "You remember?"

Of course I remember, I'm in love with you, idiot! Aleksander felt heat rise to his cheeks. Quickly he looked off to the side.

What should he say now? He urgently needed to brush up on his knowledge of physics - “Well, shadows are essentially the absence of light. So, in a sense, they are made up of darkness…“, he answered Robert, who was looking at him a bit puzzled. Aleksander could swear there was a blush to his cheeks, or was it the lighting? Aleksander began walking again, chuckled. "But I guess my favorite sun summoner will enlighten me?", he said, snorting at his own stupid joke, trying to hide his own embarrassment.

Robert rolled his eyes. "I am your only sun summoner."

Wouldn’t want any other. Robert started to walk down the hallway, Aleksander followed him, coming up to his side.

"What are you planning to do?", Aleksander asked as they walked side by side.

Robert looked thoughtful, playing with the bookmark of his notebook in his hand. "I have to think about it. I have my theories…"

“I’m curious to hear what you’re thinking”, Aleksander said.

Robert was deep in thought, didn't answer, walking up the stairs. Aleksander simply followed him, wondering where he would go… weren't they close to Robert's suite? 

They arrived at the top of the stairs, Robert stopped. "I'd like to... try something, if that's okay?"

"Certainly."

"Maybe let's go somewhere with a desk..." Robert walked on, in the direction of his suite. 

Aleksander’s heart was pounding. Had Robert just invited him into his room? He followed him, and shortly afterwards they were actually standing in front of a certain heavy wooden door. Robert entered, Aleksander just stood behind him in the entrance, dumbstruck. 

„Welcome, I guess“, Robert even said to top it all of, and Aleksander felt heat rise to his face  as if he were actually in acute danger to spontaneously combust. 

Oh well.

Now or never.

Aleksander stepped into Robert's room.

Chapter Text

The room was warmly lit, outside the rain was pelting on the window. He felt like he was entering a sacred space; he was hardly prepared for such a step. Aleksander closed the door behind himself. Robert pushed a chair that had been in front of the window towards the desk. He motioned for Aleksander to take a seat, he himself took off his Kefta, hung it over the back and sat on the other chair, the notebook on the table in front of him, the pen in his hand. Aleksander felt almost a magnetic pull. He took off his own rain-soaked Kefta and sat down, his heart pounding. 

Robert looked at him intently. “Can you… Uhm… make a little shadow sphere for me?”

Oh? Such a simple request? He looked at Robert, he was sitting pretty close to him, his features softly illuminated by the light of the lamp. There were shadows on his cheeks that he wished he could touch.

“Of course,” Aleksander said softly. Robert asking for his summoning like this was absolutely endearing. He smiled. "One shadow sphere, coming right up!" With a simple flick of his wrist he summoned. In the palm of his hand a small sphere of pure shadow materialised, floating just above his palm.

Robert watched it intently. "May I?" He held his hand in the spheres direction, fingers outstretched. 

It was so incredible that his Robert was actually so interested in Aleksander’s abilities that he didn't shy away from them, even if they might be scary; that he looked at them with such scientific curiosity that Aleksander's heart went wild again. A rush of excitement. "Go ahead."

Robert moved his hand, fingers outstretched to touch the sphere - his hand gliding right through. "Interesting..." he uttered under his breath. 

Aleksander could swear he felt a spark of energy from the sphere, rippling though his hand. He silently observed Robert's reaction, he took a quick note again. Aleksander tried to read overhead, but Robert's handwriting was, to put it nicely, illegible.

"Did you know that it is warm?", Robert remarked casually while writing. Aleksander blinked in surprise. Warm? He took his other hand and touched the sphere, and… somehow it actually felt warm. Strange.

„Robert? Did you do something?“, he asked, a bit irritated. Absentmindedly he ran his fingers gently over the by touch alone undetectable surface of the sphere again, feeling the subtle warmth it emitted.

"Let me try something.“ Robert sat his pencil down, standing up and stepping a few meters away. "Does it still feel warm to you?"

Aleksander looked at Robert, wondering what he was up to. He glanced back down at the shadow sphere in his hand, trying to discern if he could still feel a change in temperature. Huh. That was really strange, he had never felt his shadows this way. “It’s a bit harder to tell now, but I think I can still feel some warmth if I concentrate.”

"I knew it…" Robert opened the door with a creak and walked out of the room, standing in the corridor. "And now?"

Aleksander watched intrigued. He focused his attention back on the shadow sphere still hovering above his hand, searching for any hint of warmth.

He furrowed his brow. “No… it’s gone”, he murmured, looking up to meet Robert's gaze through the open door. “What happened?”

"That… changes a lot…“, Robert said, walking back into the room and closing the door behind him with a hollow bang, the noise lingering in the silence of the palace corridor. "Bad news for me too…" He walked back to the desk and sat down. Aleksander’s heartbeat was picking up again. “The shadow cut was always hot, wasn’t it? And the whip?“, Robert said absentmindedly. „But those other shapes without that cutting edge or the ability to interact with the material?“ he looked up from his notes. „Have you ever felt them warm before?"

"Before… you?"

Robert nodded.

His heart hammered wildly, echoing in his ears. “You’re right…” Aleksander mumbled, realization slowly dawning on him. He couldn’t remember his shaodows ever feeling warm before, not because he had forgotten, but because they simply hadn’t. Saints… Did this mean what he thought it did? Was he so damn obvious? Not only his heart racing like it could die from exhaustion any minute now, giving any Heartrender that would have seen him like this promptly a heart attack themselves… If he would have been here Ivan would have surely started yelling by now. Aleksander shuddered. Did his feelings now on top of everything even manifest in his saintsforsakened summoning as well? He nervously looked down at the shadow sphere in his hand, pulsating softly, avoiding Roberts eyes, gently rotating the sphere in the air. Well. He barely lasted a few seconds before he looked up again. 

Robert nodded thoughtfully. "What happens if you, for example, tried to move the shadow sphere through this book?" He held it up, it was a copy of the life of the saints. How fitting. With his other hand Robert grabbed a glass that was standing on the desk unused. "And what if you try to move the sphere through this? Don’t change its shape into something sharp. Are you able to do that?"

Aleksander raised an eyebrow, finding Roberts line of questioning to be quite intriguing. What was the point in this? Did Robert want to check if his shadows could move through translucent objects? He looked at the book and the glass Robert was holding up, considering the implications of the challenge.

“I suppose I could try…” Aleksander answered, focusing his power on the shadow sphere. Robert held up both objects in front of him. Aleksander attempted to move the sphere through the book first, trying to pass it without changing its shape. Almost immediately, he was met with resistance.

"Good, and now the glass“, Robert said.

Aleksander nodded, focusing his power on the shadow sphere once more. He directed it towards the glass, attempting to move it through the solid material once again. This time though, the shadow sphere moved through the object with ease.

Robert took a note in his journal. "Just what I expected." He finished his writing and looked up. "Did you notice that your shadows behave similarly to light?"

Aleksander raised his eyebrows, dumbstruck. They did? That… made sense. After all, light and shadow were essentially opposites, weren’t they?

"If shadows are the absence of light", Robert continued as if reading his mind, "what is the absence of shadows?" He stared at him, Aleksander could practically see the gears turning in his head. The look in his eyes was a sight to behold. Robert looked at him as if enchanted. "When you summon in a room that is completely dark, what would happen?" Was Robert implying…? "If you were in a fully darkened room with no light source, could you do something with the darkness?"

Aleksander hummed thoughtfully. What a question. Had he really never tried that before? He was truly humiliating himself in the presence of his… "I’m not sure, to be honest…" He looked off to the side, not daring to catch Roberts gaze, studying the contents of his desk as if they were somehow more interesting than the man in front of him, something clearly impossible. "Are you asking if I can create shadows inside of shadows?", he asked slowly.

"Kind of, that’s part of the question. I’d like to find out if darkness and shadows are the same thing."

Aleksander nodded in understanding. Roberts logic was solid, he was incredibly smart. He felt that flutter in his chest again. Most didn't understand him at all, but it seemed like Robert did anyways. 

"Do you have experience with darkness?", Robert asked suddenly. 

Aleksander looked up. There must have been instances where he summoned in complete darkness… but that was too long ago to remember. Another profound question, one that no one had ever asked him. Also… It was obvious that Robert meant it in a literal sense, but the implication was not lost on him. Aleksander considered his answer for a moment, his gaze now fixed on Robert. "I do have experience with... darkness." He said the word thoughtfully, weighing all facets of its meaning on his tongue.

"Honestly I’m really interested in the way your shadow summoning would work if there aren’t any light sources. Do you think you could manipulate the whole three dimensional space like that?"

No one had ever looked at his powers so carefully, analysing them like Robert was doing right now. Aleksander suddenly felt quite conspiratorial. He smiled. "You want to see for yourself, don't you?"

"Are you willing to try?"

"Ready when you are."

Robert grinned. "Great. I’ll close the courtains." He stood up, walking over to each window and closing all of the curtains, darkening the room significantly. The only light source left now was the lamp next to the door. Robert returned and went up to it, and then at once everything went dark.

Aleksander could admit it, Robert’s interest and determination were exciting - he was certainly infected with his curiosity, experiments that were somehow new to him too. Saints. He had really lived a life in ignorance, hadn’t he?

"Aleksander?" He almost jumped up. His heart was pounding like crazy. "Uhm, I’m at the door, where are you?", came Robert’s voice from the other side of the room.

Aleksander chuckled, standing up from the chair, careful to not trip over Robert’s empty chair in front of him. He walked around it towards Robert’s general direction, voice soft. "I’m right here." He reached out with his hand, brushing against a Kefta. A hand found his arm. His heart skipped a beat.

"Now - can you summon?", Robert asked.

Instead of answering Aleksander gently took Robert’s hand off of his arm, holding it with his own instead. His fingers were ice cold, Robert’s hand felt almost hot in comparison. For a moment Aleksander thought he had lost his mind, but then Robert tightened his hold and every thought vanished at once. Everything was dark, there was only the feeling of Robert's hand in his.

"Now, your theory is that in absolute darkness, shadows are everywhere. So I shouldn’t be able to summon more, right?", Aleksander asked into the darkness.

"Kind of", Robert said, voice close by in front of him, "I want to find out if your shadows are the same thing as darkness or if they’re something else, and - secondly - if they turn out to be the same as darkness, what happens if you remove them from one part of the already dark space without introducing a light source."

Robert truly was a brilliant theorist. Aleksander gently squeezed his hand, a smile on his face even though no one could see it "Alright then, let's start the experiment, shall we?"

"Let’s do it!"

Aleksander was enjoying this far more than he thought. Testing his powers with his little saint, trying to figure out the limits of his summoning, it was all just as thrilling as the first time he had ever summoned a shadow, all those many, many years ago. With Robert’s hand still in his, he took a breath and concentrated. Aleksander lifted his free right hand, palm up. He called. It was dark but he could feel it like an extension of his mind. Shadows began to form above his palm, thought everything was still just as dark and he couldn’t see them. But they were there, swirling gently, the tingling feeling dancing in the darkness, shadows clear in the back of his mind.

He gently guided Robert’s hand to feel the shadow sphere that was now hovering over his palm. At the gasp he knew that Robert could now feel the warmth coming from it as well, thus solidifying his ability to summon in complete darkness.

"Strange…" Robert muttered, their combined hands hovering over the sphere. "I have a theory, but maybe first you should try to see if the second part of the experiment has any results… I doubt it though… I believe I know what they’re made of now…"

Robert was truly fascinating. There was this warm feeling in his chest, spreading all around. Aleksander had never met anyone quite as curious or smart. He tightened his hold on Robert’s hand, enjoying his gentle touch on his fingers, a fluttering feeling in his chest at being so close to Robert. 

With a flick of his wrist the shadow sphere vanished. Aleksander focused on a section of the darkness instead, the space right above his free hand, concentrating on removing his shadows from that section.

"Are you doing your thing?", Robert asked into the pitch black room.

Aleksander hummed, his grip on Robert’s hand tightening momentarily as he concentrated. "Yes, I am." His voice was steady, but there was an underlying note of excitement in his tone. He felt giddy at the thought that no one else got to see this intimate revelation of his power’s mechanics, not even his moth - Baghra. Especially not her. To see his little saint’s fascination, his curiosity, his interest in Aleksander and his powers... It was almost intoxicating. It wasn’t so much that he had lived a life of ignorance, but he had just spent all of his past training his powers, growing stronger, fighting all his life. This was what he knew, what he had been taught. It wasn’t that he had been ignorant of his powers, he loved them dearly, but rather that he had never focused on their other aspects. Only on maximising their dangers, improve his fighting, becoming a herald of violence. This was what he knew, oh, he was an expert at that. But now with Robert, a different perspective had suddenly entered his world, setting his heart and mind ablaze with a shimmering light of scientific curiosity. Maybe everything could change, after all, maybe nothing was ever truly lost.

Aleksander really tried to focus on the space above his palm now, trying hard to remove the darkness. Aleksander infused the present shadows with his own, just the way he was sometimes able to feel into the shadows that he hadn’t created but where just there, he tried to feel into them like he always did, but when he pulled them back again, nothing happened. 

"Okay… I believe that you can’t remove the darkness from the room, am I right?", Robert said after a while.

"Correct." 

"Good… that solidifies my theory"

That was… good? Aleksander was incredibly intrigued. Roberts ability to think through theories and scenarios at such a rapid pace and coming up with logical conclusions was something he truly admired. He leaned a bit closer, his hand gently holding Robert’s. "I suppose that means you've figured out what my shadows are?"

Robert squeezed his hand back. "I think I did", he said softly. "I believe that we can come to the conclusion that your shadows are something different than darkness."

"So... What are they?"

Robert chuckled nervously "Uhm… I believe you should try something else for me to form an opinion… I have a guess though, but if that would turn out to be true that would be something I’ve never seen in my entire career before, something extraordinary… something I never thought would be even possible."

Aleksander’s heart was beating like crazy. Were his shadows something that special? And Robert was interested to find out? Even if he wouldn’t have felt the man’s scientific curiosity sweeping over to him in the same intensity, Aleksander would just have to find out now anyways. "What do you want me to try?", he asked intrigued.

Robert stayed silent for a moment. Aleksander mindlessly drew slow circles on Robert’s hand with his thumb.

"Can you shift the energy in the power of your shadows?", Robert said, deep in thought. "If I’m correct, you should be able to do so. In fact, I believe that you already are. You either use a higher or lower energy to summon right now than what you normally user under regular lighting conditions. Is that correct?"

Aleksander paused for a moment, contemplating the assessment. Did he really do that? Well, no point in questioning his little saint, he was surely right. But how did Aleksander do that? It must have been something he did unconsciously, then. 

Very well. He squeezed Roberts hand once more before concentrating again, his right hand outstretched, palm up. He summoned again. Aleksander could feel the shadows dancing on top of his hand, as always, right by his side. But he concentrated further, deeper, felt into their energy. He closed his eyes. Ah, there. He actually felt their current, a flickering static in the back of his neck. It was quite intense, not like usual. He smiled into the darkness. Robert had been right, as always. It took a few moments, but there was a subtle shift in the nature of the shadows. He concentrated on their energy, increasing it significantly. Even though he had never done that consciously, it went effortlessly, due to centuries of practice. Probably he had unconsciously lowered his shadow’s energy to accommodate the dark room. Aleksander could feel that their energetic level was back to normal now. "Like this?", he asked.

Robert gasped. "Oh my god." 

Aleksander opened his eyes - his breath hitched. He could see the edge of the sphere of shadows now… and it was glowing. He stared at the glow, completely bewildered. What was that? How did he…? He removed his gaze from the shadow sphere, staring at Robert's gently lit face, as he was looking down at the glowing shadows with wide eyes. He was awestruck. Aleksander’s gaze flickered downwards again. His shadows were… glowing. This was so, so wrong… he was a shadow summoner, but… that? That?! Aleksander's heart was pounding in his chest. What was he experiencing here? Was that Robert - He couldn't... or could he? But this was even beyond any kind of divine ability, beyond the power of a saint, but... had Robert given him...? 

“What’s happening?”, Aleksander managed with a shaky voice. Did Robert change Aleksander’s summoning? What… was that man in front of him? This was raw, cosmic power -

"Aleksander?" He barely registered Robert’s voice. Roberts hand slightly squeezed his fingers. The touch became his only anchor point, if he didn’t clasp it so tightly Aleksander would have probably started screaming. Somehow Robert seemed to sense his tension as he absentmindedly started gently stroking Aleksander’s fingers instead, but even that was of little help as he barely noticed. Aleksander took a shaky breath, staring at the light in his hand, as if it was something divine. And maybe it was.

It was Robert. All of this was Robert. 

Aleksander experimentally shifted the shadow’s shape, creating some sharp edges, making it into a spiky star. The edges shimmered brightly while the centre of the sphere still glowed softly. He shifted the shape again, forming it into a fluid wave, gently making it glide around Robert’s and his connected hands. His shadows were glowing. No matter how he changed their shape, they emitted a soft, pale light. It was mesmerising. 

"I believe this confirms it…", Robert whispered, looking at the shimmering wave of shadows dancing around their clasped hands. "Are you alright?", he asked softly.

Aleksander was utterly speechless, staring at the glow. It was all because of Robert, his intellect, his curiosity... his cosmic power… just his saint’s mere presence was enough to change the fundamentals of the known world. This moment was beyond description. He could only stare at the glow, look up at Robert’s illuminated face in complete awe. How could one not believe in him?

Robert’s grip on his hand tightened. "Talk to me, please. I’m starting to get worried."

At that he blinked, trying to find his voice again. His saint shouldn’t worry! "I’m fine", Aleksander said in a hoarse voice, gently squeezing Roberts hand back. "Just… a bit overwhelmed."

He could see Robert’s soft smile in the pale light. "Understandable."

For a moment they watched the glow in silence. 

"What does this mean?", Aleksander managed after a while.

Roberts eyes found his, glimmering brightly, in this lighting almost appearing silvery white. "Well… there is just another thing I need to test first, to tell you for certain. But I need some materials for that. Do you have something like a lab in here?"

Aleksander nodded, slowly finding back into the present again, trying to gather his thoughts. “Of course. The Materialki have their own department in the little palace with a lot of labs. What do you need?”

Robert thought about it for a moment "I need a glass tube, silver shavings, copper wire, a zinc rod, diluted sulphuric acid, an antenna… also maybe some tungsten wire."

Aleksander stared at him dumbstruck. 

Robert chucked. "I should write that down, shouldn’t I?"

He let out a snort of amusement. What were those materials even meant to be used for? Aleksander had no idea what Robert intended to do.

"Oh, right, maybe I should pull the curtains back to find a pen in here." Robert chuckled, still holding Aleksander’s hand where the glowing wave of shadows was gently hovering. "Still", he said softly, "this… is quite beautiful. This is the first time documenting them", he said wistfully. 

Aleksander gently smiled at him, squeezing his hand a last time and then letting go. With a soft move the glowing shadow vanished, the room back to darkness.

"These are some… quite exciting revelations", Robert said while opening the curtains. Even though it was dark outside the light that flooded the room was way too bright for his eyes. Robert turned the lamp on again. "I have to write some things down now." Quickly Robert got back to his desk, Aleksander following him, sitting down on the other chair. He watched as Robert made his list of items, ripping out the page, looking it over. "Let's see if the experiment confirms my theory."

"You’re an absolute genius, you know that?”, Aleksander said absentmindedly.

Robert snorted. "I’m no genius, it’s just a hypothesis. We still need to see if it holds the test. The two of us still have a lot to do."

Aleksander looked up. Robert had said… we. He had… meant them both. As a team. His heart was beating faster in his chest. "And how will we test that theory?”

"With this experiment!" Robert held up his list, handing it to Aleksander. 

He took it. Oh. Well. It looked like the scribblings of a five-year-old. That handwriting was… no, no comment. If even his saint couldn't be perfect in everything, at least it was only in something so irrelevant. Well, what did Robert want again? The further Aleksander got on the list the more ridiculous it sounded. Silver shavings? A copper rod? A ‘glass bowl that isn’t too small’?

"Is there a problem with the list?", Robert said a bit nervously after a moment. 

“No, its fine. I’ll let David know, he will organise everything."

"You look sceptical."

Aleksander chuckled. "It’s just… if I didn’t know how smart you are, I would say it appears a bit… random.” 

Robert scoffed. "Random? These are materials for a scientific experiment!"

Aleksander snorted out a laugh again, folding the list and putting it in his pocket. Robert and his tense relationship with practical work, he really took it personal quickly, didn’t he? “Is it now? Because if I think about a proper scientific setup, it seems… a bit more organised.” Aleksander just couldn’t help the teasing grin.

Robert looked at him, suddenly seriously. "I could be wrong of course, but tell me, do you have a physics degree?" Aleksander raised his eyebrows. "Do you have a doctorate? In a different Field maybe? In anything?"

Aleksander chuckled. A doctorate? He could guess where Robert was going with this. “I’m just a self taught second army General. Nothing more.”

"That’s what I thought. Then how would you know what a correct scientific experiment is supposed to look like?" Robert scoffed. "I have a damn PhD!"

Aleksander laughed. No idea what that meant, but surely something to be proud of. His heart fluttered. "And are you taking a humble, inexperienced general with you to your grand experiment?" He smiled. Robert's annoyed face was too cute. "Doesn't every great scientist need a lab partner?"

Robert shrugged. "Lab assistant is all that you get."

"What? Only a lab assistant?" Aleksander scoffed playfully, not even knowing what it meant, but clearly liking the way lab partner had sounded more. He grinned triumphantly. "But you need me."

"And for what, if I may ask?", Robert said sarcastically.

He pointed at the desk. "For taking legible notes." 

Robert gave him a deadpan stare. "Aleksander. Insult me again and I wouldn’t be so sure about joining me for that experiment at all."

Aleksander gasped in mock shock, a hand on his heart. He couldn’t help but laugh, enjoying Roberts stubbornness to his banter. “What? You truly are cruel! I thought we were a team, here…”

"I reconsidered", Robert said bluntly. "You’re fired."

Aleksander let out a mock gasp again, playing along with Robert’s antics. “Fired? What if I’m irreplaceable?”

"Well", Robert continued nonchalantly, leaning back in his chair, "since I suppose I can summon as well, I wouldn’t be so sure about that."

"You wound me, little saint!" Aleksander let out a mock pout, leaning his elbow on the desk now. He was enjoying messing with Robert and being in such close proximity with him way too much. “Now I’m fired?" His voice was dripping with fake hurt. "I’m not good enough for a lab partner? Not even a lowly lab assistant? Now I’m just a bystander to you?”

"A Bystander? I even banned you from the laboratory! But well… maybe we can negotiate."

“Negotiate, huh? And what are your terms?”

"You will produce some low energy shadows for me so I don’t have to summon."

Ah. So that’s what Robert wanted. Aleksander grinned, resting his chin on his palm. “I think I can work with that… What do I get in return?”

"You can take part in the experiment, what else?" Robert looked at him with furrowed eyebrows.

"There is only one thing I want", Aleksander said with a low chuckle and it’s you.

Robert stared at him, completely exasperated. 

Aleksander grinned expectantly. 

Robert let out a long-suffering sigh. "Fine, you’ll get that damn imaginary promotion you so dearly want. Even though I don’t even pay you."

Aleksander laughed, thoroughly enjoying Roberts antics. “Sounds like a fair deal. But if I’m the one doing the summoning, I suppose you should be the one writing things down. Though…", he said in a playfully serious tone, glancing at Robert’s illegible notes on the desk, "I might regret that…"

"Oh shut up!"

He grinned, saints, Robert was so easy to tease! Aleksander could feel heat rising in his cheeks at being this close to him. That fluttering feeling in his chest, a pleasant shiver running down his spine. A sly smirk played on his lips as he leaned slightly closer. His heart hammering in his chest. “Make me.”

Robert blinked, staring at him. In the low light Aleksander couldn’t tell if he was a bit flushed, or if it was just his imagination. Robert suddenly stood up, quickly turning around, walking through the room. "Uhm, I suppose I should do some research now to prepare for the experiment, do you have any book recommendations?", he said, a bit out of breath.

Aleksander’s heart was beating so fast. Well, that had been a try, he supposed. After how amazing the training session had gone and his overbearing feelings squeezing his poor heart all day long, for a moment he just hadn’t been able to help himself. Robert was just too adorable… teasing him was priceless. Aleksander sighed fondly. Pity on a poor man like him.

He smiled, watching in amusement as Robert paced around after asking that incredibly random question. He leaned back in his seat. “You need book recommendations? You’re a scholar, I thought you’d have read every book already."

"Yeah, but not the Ravkan stuff", he said out of breath.

Aleksander smiled. “And what kind of 'Ravkan stuff' are you looking for?”

"Uhm, advanced physics?", Robert chuckled nervously and paced around the room.

Aleksander let out a soft snort of laughter, taking pity on him he stood up and reached out to gently place a hand on Robert’s shoulder so that he would stop moving around so erratically. “Calm down, I’ll find you some books to read", he said softly. And he wouldn’t even have to search for them since they were already conveniently placed on his own saintsforsakened nightstand.

Robert stayed quiet for a moment, looking pointedly to the side. Aleksander enjoyed the feeling of having him so close, gently touching Robert’s shoulder only through the material of the white dress shirt instead of the thick Kefta, that was now drying from the rain on the back of his chair. His hand was getting very warm. But Aleksander supposed he should pull himself back together now, so he quickly took his hand away again after that moment of lingering, just standing in front of Robert now. 

They were quiet for a moment, Robert appearing a bit lost in thoughts. Then he spoke, soft voice, not looking up. "When do I get to see you again?"

Aleksander’s heart skipped a beat. The same question- ? The flutter in his chest tightened, saints, he knew that they saw each other every day, but the way Robert had asked him so sweetly - Aleksander knew very well that it was meant in a ‘see you for the experiment’ kind of way, but these words could have meant so much more, spoken in a different context, and for a beautiful, blissful second, Aleksander could pretend that they did. 

“You’re not tired of me yet?”, he said softly with a hint of humour, repeating Robert’s own words to him he was so very fond of. At that Robert snorted and looked up at him, Aleksander not being able to hide his genuinely happy and not actually teasing smile anymore. “I suppose David will take care of the list quickly," he said in a genuine tone. "If anything causes problems, I will take care of it personally."

Robert just nodded. 

There was something almost peaceful about this moment, standing with him in the quiet of the room, the warm light from the lamp next to the door softly illuminating Robert’s beautiful features. Aleksander found himself feeling quite content looking down at his saint, a rare sense of peace settling over him. He didn’t speak, not wanting to break the spell of this moment just yet.

"How do you want the world to remember you once you’re gone?", Robert asked out of the blue.

Aleksander blinked, what a turn of topics. Huh. He had never given much thought to that, for… obvious reasons. If only Robert knew that neither he nor Aleksander had to worry about such questions? But he guessed an answer was needed for the moment. 

“I suppose I’d like to be remembered as a powerful and strong man,” he replied thoughtfully, but the only one I care about seeing me like that is you. He thought about it for a moment. “Someone who pushed the boundaries of what’s possible. Someone who made sure that Grisha stayed safe and prosperous.”

"Thats admirable…"

Aleksander smiled, appreciating Robert’s soft agreement. He found it oddly soothing to share this moment of introspection with his little saint. What was on his mind to have prompted this topic, anyway? “And how about you?”, he returned the question. 

Robert considered it for a moment. "Maybe I don’t."

Huh? Aleksander raised his eyebrows at that response, surprised by the answer. He had expected his smart Robert to have some kind of idealistic, maybe science related answer, so this response caught him a bit off guard. Baghra’s mocking words in the back of his mind, no, not now- No!

If his saint only knew - he wanted to hold him gently, grab him softly by the shoulders, shake him and shout into his stupid face how much he cared; that Aleksander was there, would always be there, and would remember and love him for eternity - that there was no world in which Robert was not remembered. Because if there were a million who prayed to his saint kneeling down in front of Sankt Robert’s altar, Aleksander would be just one among them; if there were only a few left after centuries had passed, he would still be there whispering those prayers into Robert’s ear; and even if it was a world where there was only one left who believed in him, that it would be Aleksander. But to imagine a world where Robert Oppenheimer was forgotten? That would be a world where Aleksander was dead.

“Really?”, he said, his voice a bit out of breath. “You don’t wish to be remembered?”

„If they will only remember me as the man who gave them the power to destroy themselves, maybe I’d rather not be remembered at all."

Aleksander nodded solemnly, those words hitting close to home. He knew all too well the nature of power, and the destruction it could cause. But still… it was beautiful all the same. For a moment he wondered if Robert maybe wasn’t talking about his summoning, but rather something else, the moment at the fountain brushing his thoughts. 

“I see your point,” Aleksander said softly, his expression thoughtful. “But perhaps if your discoveries lead to something greater, something revolutionary, you could be remembered as the catalyst… for a positive future.”

Robert looked up, a strange kind of glitter in his eyes. He blinked, then looking down again, pointedly away. "That’s… that’s a nice thought", he said wistfully.

Aleksander smiled fondly. “There you go,” he murmured, his voice soft and assuring. “A much better thought to end the evening on.”

Robert laughed quietly. The sound brought a wave of warmth to Aleksander’s chest. He slightly leaned on the back of one of the armchairs, now on the same eye level with Robert. He didn't know what it was, Robert's laugh, his comforting aura, the thing with the glowing shadows that turned pretty much everything inside him upside down, but Aleksander couldn't, maybe didn't even want to, hold back.

“You know…” he said, a sincere tone to his words, “I really like your laugh." Aleksander was incurable, wasn’t he?

"Huh?" Robert stopped laughing but the smile was still lingering on his lips.

“No witty retort this time?”, Aleksander teased, a smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth, his chest filled with adoration.

Robert frowned, pointedly taking a step back, starting to pace towards his desk again. "Just caught me off guard", he said a bit out of breath, back turned to Aleksander.

He grinned, clearly enjoying the effect he had on Robert. Maybe it was working… at least a little bit? A small, tiny bit? A man could dream. “I can see that,” Aleksander replied, voice low and smooth. “Seeing you speechless for once", he chuckled.

Robert scoffed, turning around. "If you want me to shut up you can just say so."

Aleksander sighed at his indignant reply, finding his little saint’s stubbornness adorable. He had completely missed the point, and Aleksander found it hopelessly endearing.

"Robert", he said fondly, “I never said I wanted you to shut up. I actually quite enjoy listening to you." He chucked. "In fact, I could perfectly imagine myself doing that every day."

Robert stared at him blankly. "You must be unwell."

Aleksander smiled, thoroughly amused by this adorably clueless response. He could tell that his little saint was desperately trying to regain his composure, but somehow, he kept digging himself deeper. “Quite the opposite”, Aleksander replied, leaning a bit more onto the back of the armchair.

"You’re weird."

Aleksander snorted, unable to hold back a laugh. Robert really had a tendency to speak his mind, didn’t he? “Maybe I am,” he conceded with a smirk, still his gaze fixed on Robert. “But…", Aleksander said triumphantly, "you like me anyway!"

Robert looked off to the side. "I guess you’re not the worst company…", he mumbled.

A flutter in his chest. Aleksander’s smirk widened. “Not the worst?”, he mused, a pleased grin. “Now, that’s practically a compliment.”

"If you say so", Robert mumbled with his back turned.

Aleksander chuckled softly. “You know,” he murmured, his voice low, trying to make it sound at least a tiny bit playfully seductive, “you could at least try to sound a little more enthusiastic about spending time with your brand new lab partner.”

Robert scoffed. He turned around, arms crossed. "Ugh fine. You’re okay, see? Now shut up and get out!"

“That’s more like it,” Aleksander said with a laugh, standing up from the back of the armchair. “I’ll take my ‘okay’ and go, little saint." His gaze softened. "But I’ll see you tomorrow, won’t I?”

Robert rolled his eyes, pointedly looking away. "Tomorrow", he said quietly. 

A fond smile spread across Aleksander’s face at that. Even after all the back-and-forth, hearing Robert agree so softly made his heart flutter again, for the millionth time. He turned to leave, giving Robert one last lingering look, full of tenderness. His little saint truly had no idea what effect he had on him. Aleksander chuckled quietly to himself and left to take care of the definitely very systematical list of materials.

Chapter Text

Robert finally had something to do again, a sense of purpose, a goal, making him feel somewhat energetic for the first time in what felt like could only have been ages. He had spent the entire weekend planning the experiment, writing down every meticulous detail and possible observation. He had given thought to the possibility of proof, which, given both necessity and limited means, would have to be limited to a purely qualitative nature. The whole concept was just too incredible for Robert to theorize about, he just had to wait for the experiment itself to come around. There was so much to it, he could hardly believe it. He had met Aleksander a few times in the library - what was the general doing there all the time? and told him about the current situation. Today was the day - the materials had arrived.

That Monday afternoon was Robert's first time in the area of ​​the small palace where the Materialki worked. Aleksander, who had told him that this type of Grisha was able to manipulate materials, had not understood Robert's excitement upon hearing that.

Robert knocked on the door.

"Come in," came a voice from inside.

Robert opened the heavy wooden door and entered. In front of him stretched a room that he immediately recognized as an old-fashioned laboratory. Well, probably not old-fashioned. A man looked up at him, half bent over a table, similar to a kind of workbench. He wore a purple kefta and had dark hair that looked a bit disheveled.

Robert took a step closer. "Hello, my name is Robert," he introduced himself to the man who must be David.

David set down his tools and looked up from the workbench. "I know who you are," he replied, his voice plain.

Robert looked at him expectantly. "You must be Mister…" oh no, he really didn’t know his last name, now…

"I’m David." He looked at Robert for a moment. Robert stood still. At the other end of the room he spotted a table with suspicious looking objects - it had to be them!

David had followed his gaze. “I’ve been instructed give you these materials." He gestured to the table filled with Robert’s supplies. "I'll be helping you set up your equipment, if you require any assistance."

Robert smiled. "Thank you, that’s very kind of you!" He went over to the table, taking a look at the materials, inspecting them closely. "Did you have any problems in finding those?"

"The tungsten wire took longer. Most of the rest was already in our inventory."

Robert smiled in thought. "Well, just normal materials for an experiment." He chuckled, weighing the copper wire in his hands, reminiscing on that evening, a bit lost in thought. "I was told the list was a bit… random," he said at David's furrowed brows.

"Not at all," David replied. "I’ve found stranger items on many Fabrikator's shopping lists. But I admit, this is one of the few times I’ve procured such a diverse collection. What are you working on, exactly?"

Robert looked up, holding the piece of copper wire in his hands. "Are you a scientist as well?, he said lightheartedly.

David's gaze settled on the wire. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "No, I'm a Durast," he explained, a hint of uneasiness in his voice. "I deal with... with solid materials. But I am familiar with the work of scientists."

"Interesting, I haven’t met a Durast before."

David gave a small nod, his fingers absentmindedly fidgeting with a second spool of copper wire. Robert watched his movements. "Most of us spend their days shaping and reshaping materials, making things. Weapons, jewelry, tools... things like that. I'm not one for... science, to be honest."

Robert smiled. "Looks like we’re on opposite sites then, since I’m normally more accustomed to theoretical physics."

"Theoretical physics," David repeated, his voice monotone. "That involves… math, I presume? Formulas and equations?"

Robert smiled enthusiastically. "Yes it does!" He didn’t know what it was, but in that moment watching the man in the purple Kefta absentmindedly play with the copper wire on the table, Roberts mind had decided that he liked him. "Actually, I hate working at a lab…", Robert said in a matter of fact, "one time I was so frustrated I even almost poisoned my instructor!" He chuckled. "But don’t tell my assistant I said that!“ In his mind Aleksanders teasing grin. His cheeks warmed. 

"You have an assistant?", David asked and looked up for the first time.

„Ah, I misspoke", Robert said with a chuckle, "he prefers to be called my lab partner." He snorted, not being able to get that smile out of his head. That was so stupid, why did Aleksander insist on it? He certainly didn’t even know what scientists did in a lab. And yet he insisted on being Robert’s lab partner… Robert felt a tingling in his chest every time he thought of Aleksander’s smile, what was that? He really wasn’t quite clear in the head today, every thought came full circle back to Aleksander. Couldn’t he think of something else for a damn minute?!

David was still playing with the copper wire, bending it slightly. "A homicidal scientist as well as an untrained safety risk“, he said with a sigh. "You and the Darkling certainly make for a unique pair."

Robert looked off to the side, his face getting hot. He looked down on the table with the materials he ordered. He suddenly felt the urge to change topics. "Alright, back on the main topic - I can work on the setup here, but, for the experiment itself I might need to go outside since I have to ground a wire." Also to prevent a possible fire hazard in the inside of the little palace… That one time in his room with his beam of light and gamma rays had already been enough of that for a lifetime. "Will that be possible?"

David nodded slowly, tapping a finger a against the table. "Yes, I can arrange that," he said, looking deep in thought. "The gardens would be the logical choice, I think. Do you know how much space you’ll need?"

"Oh, not too much, it will be just the setup for the battery and the coherer, also the antenna and the grounding wire. I guess I might need a table for the setup though." Robert was already imagining every part of the construction in his mind, imagining the steps he would take in the order he thought was best.

David still didn’t look up at Robert, instead studying the supplies on the table, as if he was mentally cataloguing each item. "I can have a table set up in the gardens," he confirmed. "And I'll make sure no one disturbs you while you're working."

"Thank you" Robert said sincerely. "When can we start? What did the weather forecast say?"

"Today is clear," David replied, at that looking up for the first time in a while. There was a hint of excitement in his voice. "Excellent conditions for outside work. We can start setting up the equipment as soon as you're ready."

"Great!" Robert was practically already mentally in the middle of the experiment. He quickly grabbed the box with the materials, putting some that were lying around in it as well. "Let’s go, shall we?"

David nodded in agreement, carefully picking up the rest of the larger supplies from the table. "Right this way," he said, gesturing for Robert to follow as he led the way outside.

They took a walk through the corridor Robert had come from, taking a turn at some point and walking outside. Robert followed David, it was pretty cold and he held his black Kefta closed with his arm, all while carrying the supplies. He supposed it would snow soon. Robert clutched the materials.

David guided him to the outskirts of the garden, where a small, secluded area was shielded from the wind by a row of tall shrubbery. "This spot should work," he said, gesturing to the empty patch of grass. "It’s far enough from the path that you won’t be disturbed, but not too far to be inconvenient."

"Looks good“, Robert said, setting down the box. "Do you think we can find a table anywhere?"

David glanced around, he then pointed towards a nearby gazebo. "There," he said, leading the way to the small stone structure. "I’m sure we can find a table in there.”

Robert followed him, not even having noticed the pavilion before. There was indeed a wooden table and some chairs, together they carried the table outside to the secluded area deemed appropriate for the experiment.

David helped Robert set up the table in the garden, clearing a patch of grass in front to accommodate the grounding wire. Once they finished, he stepped back and surveyed their work.

"I think that should do it," David said. "You have everything you need?" For once he turned to look at Robert for a moment.

Robert nodded, then assessing the materials in the box, taking out a glass bowl and the bottle labelled as 'diluted sulfuric acid' in the Ravkan script. In the last days thanks to his efforts his reading skills had improved tremendously, to the point that he was now able to read the foreign script pretty quickly, even though his handwriting was still a bit rusty. Robert placed the items on the table, laying out all the other materials as well. His heart was drumming in his chest, his smile unable to hide from his cold cheeks. He was practically giddy with excitement. If his old professors could have seen him like that, at the prospect of a practical experiment? They would have laughed at him! Huh. A stab to his heart. Don’t think about it.

Robert laid out the materials on the table. David took a step closer, Robert looked up. 

"I must admit, I might know those materials individually, but I have no idea what most of these things are for combined like this," David said bluntly. His gaze was flickering from one item to the next as if he tried to make sense of their purpose in the experiment.

Robert smiled over his shoulder, unwrapping the glass bowl. "These are to construct a battery. I will need a source of energy for this to work."

David nodded. He leaned against the table, watching intently as Robert worked.

"And the battery will... what? Power a device, of some sort?"

"Kind of. It’s only one part of the setup. In fact, what I’m trying to build here is… a detector."

"For what exactly?"

"Ah", Robert chuckled nervously, turning back around to the table to connect some wires to the plates, "that’s a bit… complicated."

"Complicated?", David repeated. "And I suppose you aren’t going to elaborate?"

"I suppose that that wouldn’t help."

David began playing with the copper wire again while Robert connected the other end of the wire. "No, I suppose not. The elite like you always seem to be working on things that are too complex for us to understand."

"No, I didn’t mean it like that…“, Robert said, only now realizing how that must have sounded. David couldn’t know that the reason an explanation wouldn’t help was not because of some definitely non existent lack of skill he might have imagined David to have, but rather because of a certain lack of modern concepts in the man’s head.

"Okay", David said, his tone light. "So you didn’t mean to imply that I’m too stupid to understand. But what is it then? It does sound a bit like you’re keeping secrets.”

Robert looked to the side. Oh well… if David only knew how right he was in this assessment. He turned back around with a half smile. "I suppose I can try to explain if you really want, okay?" David just looked at him, so Robert decided to give it a shot and try. He had taught so many people back then, so why not try and explain things properly to David? "You see, I have this antenna here, connected to the coherer", Robert started. "It’s a device to detect some kind of… particles. If the particles are present, the circuit gets closed - that’s what the battery is for - and if that happens the wire will start to glow in confirmation." He pointed to every part of the setup. "Now I only need the shadow source himself."

"What exactly is a shadow source?"

Robert sighed, looking at David flatly. "That lab partner of mine", he said, clearly referring to Aleksander, secretly enjoying to be calling him what he somehow seemed to be so keen on.

David nodded whilst looking off to somewhere over the hedge. "The Darkling. You seem to be annoyed at him, but still mention him often. He is quite important to you, isn’t he?“

"No, why? I don’t even like him", Robert said, like a lying liar who lied.

"You know, most people would consider themselves lucky to be working with the Darkling himself."

Robert scoffed, turning away again. "If he wasn’t so annoying…“

"Annoying?" David repeated, and when Robert turned to look at him he had a slight smile on his lips. "Yes, I suppose he can be a bit... overbearing at times. But… he’s fond of you."

Robert’s face heated up. “Why don’t we talk about something else, huh? How is Genya doing? My dear friend?", Robert said, clearly implying that he knew that Genya had a crush on David. He wondered if he knew?

David sputtered in surprise, his eyes widening for a moment. If Robert didn’t have something wrong with his vision, Davids cheeks flushed a soft shade of pink.

"Ah... Genya," David stammered, attempting to regain his composure. "She- she's doing fine, I suppose. She wrote to me. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, it’s just that she mentioned wanting to see you at the winter fete in her letter to me. I was just asking." Robert smiled at the reaction he was getting out of David, clearly glad that the topic had shifted away from Aleksander and him.

"Ah, yes... the fete," David said, fidgeting with his hands. It was quite adorable seeing him loose his composure, it looked like Robert had struck a nerve. "I've heard from Genya that she would be in attendance. It should be an... interesting evening."

Robert smiled. "What exactly is the fete about anyways? Is it like a ball or something? I have to admit, I’m not… familiar with something like that."

David looked at him for a moment. "It's essentially a winter celebration hosted by the king and queen," he explained. "There’s music, dancing, food, drinks... all the usual fare that comes with a fete. But it’s also a chance for the Grisha and nobles of Ravka to mingle and show off a bit."

Robert listened intently while pushing in some silver shavings into the glass tube.

"If you’re attending the fete, you’ll need to be prepared for some... less desirable encounters", he warned. "There will be plenty of nobles who love to scheme and gossip, especially with someone new and important like yourself."

"I suppose…" Robert absentmindedly fumbled with the piece of copper.

"Not planning on participating in it I take it?", David said, a slight smile on his face.

Robert shrugged. "If I could I would stay in bed, I guess. But I have a feeling that I wouldn’t be left in peace for long…“

David chuckled at Robert's answer. It seemed like the Durast was slowly beginning to warm up to him a bit. "Yes, I suspect you won’t be able to escape the festivities after all," David agreed, his tone playful. "The Darkling will make sure of that, I guess."

Robert could feel the warmth rise in his cheeks again.

"You know," David said casually, "He has been rather interested in you lately. Keeps asking me a lot about your project, in fact."

"He is… quite invested in the experiment", Robert mumbled, somehow not being able to shake off the image of an outstretched hand, glistening black eyes, and that voice, asking him for a dance… wow what was wrong with him?!

David raised an eyebrow, a slight smile playing at the corners of his mouth. Would it have been mean to say that Robert had almost liked him better when he had still been more reserved around him? He sighed.

"Where is he, anyways?", Robert said to change topics, taking a step back off the table. "Let’s us do all the work with the setup and then just expecting to stride in sometime later?", he said with a long-suffering sigh.

David chuckled. „Don't worry“, he said, his tone lighthearted. "He is always quite busy, probably has other matters to attend to. Plus, it gives us a chance to get everything ready, so we can start the experiment right away when he gets here, not wasting any time.“

Robert shrugged, turning back towards the setup again. The electrodes were already inside the glass tube at both ends, the silver shavings touching them. He had connected the electrodes to the zinc and copper sheets in the glass bowl, leaning them on opposite sides so that they didn't touch each other. He had mounted the tungsten wire between the electrode and the copper sheet. Now all that was missing was the antenna and the grounding of the device, then he could finally fill in the diluted acid to start the battery.

Robert nodded deep in thought. It was almost ready. "Can you ground the wire, please?“, he asked David while he fastened the antenna. 

David carefully took hold of the wire, following Robert's instructions as he set about grounding it. His hands moved deftly, handling each step with care and precision. Robert supposed he really was a great help. After a moment, the wire was properly grounded, and David took a step back.

„Thank you." Robert had fastened the antenna at the coherer, now all of the parts were connected. The only thing left untouched was the bottle of acid.

"So, that’s all of it then?" David asked.

Robert nodded. “The acid will start the battery. When I fill it in the glass bowl, the reaction inside will start, creating a battery. The electricity will power the detector." Robert thought about it for a moment, weighing the bottle in his hands. "There is the possibility that the detector doesn’t work properly, so we need to be careful in drawing a conclusion if the wire won’t light up. If it does, however, it would seem that not only the setup was correct, but also my hypothesis. But, we will see."

"Got it," David replied, nodding in understanding. "The acid starts the battery, the battery produces the current, which powers the detector. If the wire won’t light up, we keep trying. And if it does, we can draw conclusions based on your hypothesis."

Robert nodded with a smile. "the setup looks good to me. thank you for your help."

David smiled back. "No problem," he said sincerely, not meeting his eyes. "I’m happy to help wherever I can." At that David looked up at the sky. "It’s getting late. The Darkling should be here soon.”

Robert scoffed humorously. "I sure hope he does, otherwise I'll have to think about firing him again.“

"What was that? I thought I was promoted!" That voice speaking in a mock exasperated tone, Robert turned around. There was Aleksander, walking up to them, with a slight smile on his face. As always wearing his long dark Kefta, matching Robert’s own.

Roberts heart skipped a beat. "Well, the party has arrived at last", he said sarcastically, trying to keep his face neutral.

Aleksander chuckled at Robert's remark, unbothered by the sarcasm. That man was merciless! He stepped closer to the setup, inspecting the various components. "Apologies for being late," he said. "I had business to attend to. But I couldn't let you start the experiment without me."

Robert observed Aleksander’s black eyes flitting from component to component. What did he think of it?

"Impressive" Aleksander said, his tone sincere. He looked up, their eyes met. Roberts heart skipped a beat. Again?! Had he noticed him staring? "You've done an excellent job with the setup."

Quickly Robert turned away, pretending as if he had to check over some wires again, just to avoid Aleksander’s gaze. "David was a great helper. Unlike someone else here", he said to poke the wound again, just to make his heart stop racing so badly.

David chuckled softly from the side, quickly masking it with a cough.

Aleksander, too, chuckled at Robert’s remark. “Alright, alright”, he said, raising his hands in surrender. “I’ll admit, I may have been late. But I’m here now, aren’t I?"

Robert scoffed with a shrug. "Alright then." He watched as Aleksander took a step closer to the setup, his eyes fixed on the components. 

"So, are we ready to start the experiment?", Aleksander asked, his gaze flicking from Robert to David.

Robert followed his gaze to David, looking at the man as well. "I mean you helped, do you want to stay with us?", he asked him.

“Sure,” David said, eagerness in his voice. “I’d be happy to observe.”

Robert nodded, turning back to the setup. He picked up the notebook out of the box where he had placed it upon carrying everything outside, opening a page in the middle. He had made quite some notes in the past days, starting with the collection of his memory. He picked up the flask with the acid in his other hand. "Uhm… David?"

"Yes?"

Robert made it a point not to glance at Aleksander from the side at what he was about to say. Oh he would never live that down otherwise. “My hands are quite full, maybe you can take the notes for us?"

"Of course," David said eagerly, immediately reaching out to take the notebook. He took the notebook and pen, turning to a blank page.

"Thanks!“ Robert took the bottle of diluted acid. „Alright. I’ll start now." he filled the glass bowl, liquid touching both electrodes. There were soft bubbles forming. "And now for the real experiment." He turned to Aleksander. "Now… could you please summon a shadow, Al- General Kirigan?" His heart pumped like crazy.

"At your service," Aleksander said, the corner of his mouth quirked up in a grin. In a quick move he summoned.

Robert watched as the shadow sphere gently hovered above Aleksander’s palm. "Could you hold it up to the antenna, please?“, Robert said.

Aleksander raised the shadow sphere up to where Robert was pointing, holding it there obediently like the great lab partner he was. Robert glanced over to David, who was supposed to take notes. The Durast looked up from the notebook, meeting Robert’s gaze briefly. He nodded.

Robert focused back on Aleksander. The shadow sphere was gently rotating next to the antenna. Nothing was happening so far, but that was as much as was expected. "Great. And now - lower its energy."

Aleksander nodded in understanding, as he seemed to focus on the swirling shadow it slowly became more and more translucent. Slowly, as he, what Robert supposed, drew back on the energy coursing through the sphere, it started to shrink and weaken.

Robert watched intently as the sphere seemed to disappear, noticing that it didn’t dissolve like those other times he had watched Aleksander summoning his shadows. That meant that they were almost there, heading in the right direction. He watched in anticipation as the sphere became invisible, Aleksander still concentrating on the seemingly empty space above his palm.

“Is that… supposed to happen?” David suddenly asked from the side, his voice barely a whisper.

Right, for him it must have been a strange sight as well. Robert nodded, barely glancing at David from the side, gaze fixed on Aleksander. "Yes. What he summons now is of too low energy to be visible to the human eye", Robert explained. "If we reach the right frequency the detector should work."

"And how will we know we've reached the right frequency?" David asked, obviously curious about the next steps.

Roberts eyes widened.

"Like this", Aleksander said.

The tungsten wire started to heat up, glowing gently, casting the setup into a warm light.

"It’s true," Robert whispered, unable to hide the awe in his voice. He turned to look up to Aleksander, exchanging a glance; Aleksander was actually looking at him now as well, his palm still cradling the invisible sphere, holding it up to the antenna. "I believe… this solidifies it“, Robert whispered, staring at Aleksander’s beautiful eyes.

Aleksander smiled gently, still holding his hand up. "Congratulations, Robert", he said, his voice soft. "You’ve done it."

Robert slowly started to pace around, shaking his head. "No way, no way this is real…"

"It is real," David remarked from the side, holding up the notebook to show Robert the notes he had taken. "See? The wire is glowing. It’s working."

"I just…“, Robert shook his head, "This… this means so much, for everything…" His thoughts were racing, his heart beating up to his neck. He was barely aware of his surroundings anymore. 

„What does it mean?“ Davids voice from somewhere next to him.

Robert's mind was spinning like a carousel, caught up in the implications of what they had just witnessed. This meant... that everything was true. His theory, every implication… everything, and that included…

„Hello? Are you still there?", David asked, bringing him back to the present by suddenly placing a hand on his arm. 

Robert stopped in his tracks, looking at David. Suddenly he felt a hand softly come up around his waist from the other side, barely there, grazing his Kefta, making him turn his head to face Aleksander with a look of wonder.

"Take your time, Robert", Aleksander said from the side, glancing over at David. Robert just shook his head bewildered, staring at the setup, the wire now back to normal again, since Aleksander had stopped summoning when he had stepped up next to him.

"Hand me my notes, please, I have to do some calculations", Robert said absentmindedly, holding his hand out towards David, who had by now taken a step back again, hand from his arm long since removed. Aleksander’s arm around his waist though lingered, sparking a strange sense of fluttering in his chest.

David handed over the notebook to Robert, he grabbed it and immediately flipped through the pages, his eyes scanning over his previous notes and equations. He felt the steadying weight of Aleksander’s arm around his back. 

"I just… I just…", Robert mumbled, looking back and forth between his notes and the setup.

"I believe Mister Oppenheimer might need some time alone now, David", Aleksander said in a firm voice "Thank you for your assistance. You’re free to go now."

"Of course," David said, his voice a bit quiet. "I’m happy to have helped." He turned and stepped away, casting a final glance back at Robert before disappearing into the night. When had it begun to get dark?

„This changes… everything“, Robert quietly said, looking back from watching David leave to stare back down at his notes.

Aleksander nodded slowly, his arm still wrapped around Robert’s waist, no intention of letting go. Robert found it strangely comforting. 

"What are you thinking?“, Aleksander asked softly.

Robert was too stunned to answer. He shivered.

Aleksander immediately picked it up. “It’s getting late. Let’s go inside, shall we?“

Robert nodded, letting himself be led by Aleksander. Together they entered the palace again, walking in a familiar direction. Robert was still unable to find any proper words to express his racing thoughts. The experiment had told him that he was right. He was actually right. And that meant… 

"Would you like to accompany me to my rooms?", Aleksander asked while they were walking through a corridor. What? A flutter in his chest. Oh. Probably because Robert had invited Aleksander into his own room already, it was the polite thing to do in response.

"Sure", Robert answered and walked next to Aleksander. They reached a large wooden door at the end of the hallway, not unlike the one to Robert's room. But this time, Aleksander opened it, holding it open for Robert who stepped into the room. Aleksander entered after him, turning on a lamp next to the door, casting the room in a cozy orange glow. 

Robert looked around. Even though he felt a pang of incredible intrigue, he barely had the mind to properly take it in in a way he would have wanted to. He just grazed the picture. There was a sofa, some armchairs around a table, in the back of the room a desk with a chair, in the far end of the room a large bed with dark sheets with an over towering high stack of books on the nightstand.

"Let’s sit down for a bit, okay?", Aleksander said, gently steering Robert towards a sofa. Robert sat down and watched as Aleksander went towards a cabinet and got a glass of water. He gave it to him, Robert gladly took a sip. His throat was dry. He placed the glass onto the table, Aleksander sat down in the armchair opposite.

Robert looked at him, intently but unfocused, glazing over his form. Aleksander had folded his hands in front of him on the table, Robert just stared at his hands without realizing anything at all. Aleksander’s fingers were interlocked, he wore some rings, the one with the blade on his pinky, one that looked like a signet ring on his middle finger, and one with a black stone on his left. The stone looked rectangular like a diamond, but it was completely black. His hands were close to a candle on the table, so Robert had thought a gem would reflect the light depending on its cut, but the one in Aleksander’s ring didn’t so much as flicker. Huh. It was completely black and dark like looking into a void, fascinating, what kind of material could that be? Or maybe it was concave? No, it would still reflect, wouldn’t it? Was it cut in a special way or was he completely off and -

"Do you like this one?"

Roberts eyes snapped back up at Aleksander’s face, who smiled at him over the flickering light between them. 

Without waiting for an answer Aleksande took off the ring in a swift motion, holding it up in front of the light for a moment. "I’ve made it myself. Well...", he chuckled, "partially. See?"

With a motion of Aleksander’s hand, suddenly the darkness started to rise off of the stone in a smoky, swirling mist. The black stone lost its colour and Aleksander had what looked like a tiny ball of shadow hovering over his finger. Now the ring looked like a completely normal diamond, translucent and perfectly reflecting the light. 

Robert stared at the little sphere that was hovering next to the stone. "It’s possible to embed your shadows into a solid object?", he asked with wide eyes. He had to write that down! Aleksander’s shadows laying between the atoms of the crystal structure?! 

He turned around on the sofa to grab his notebook from the pocket of his Kefta that hung over the backrest, when a hand came up to his forearm. Robert turned back around. 

"May I?" Aleksander asked, his hand close to Robert’s. When he just looked at him curiously, Aleksander took Robert's left hand in his. Robert's heartbeat picked up, fluttering in his chest. Aleksander was holding his hand as if it was somehow something precious. What was happening?

Robert couldn’t believe what he was seeing but Aleksander actually slid the ring onto Robert’s finger, lingering to hold his hand for a moment longer. Robert looked at the ring, now on his left ring finger, and back up to Aleksander, eyes wide. 

"Do you…" Aleksander’s voice was trembling. Robert saw that he still had the small sphere of shadow hovering over his other hand. 

Robert nodded.

Aleksander let out a breath and with a motion of his hand the shadow filled the translucent stone in the ring again. Robert watched as it darkened right there on his hand in front of his eyes, shifting from translucent, to smokey grey, then intensifying in colour to the point the whole shadow had imbedded itself into the stone, completely darkening it. For a moment Aleksander’s hand lingered, holding Robert’s up to see in the light. 

„It’s fascinating", Robert said, staring at the now once again black stone, reflecting no light at all. The longer he looked at it, the more mesmerizing it got.

"It looks good on you", Aleksander said in a whisper. 

Suddenly realizing what had happened Robert was about to take it off, but Aleksander’s other hand came up to his, stoping the motion. „I want you to have it.“

Robert felt his heartbeat up in his throat. „No, you can’t! What even is that, a diamond? It’s too expensive, take it back.“

Aleksander closed his fingers around Robert’s "Keep it. You liked it, so it’s a gift."

"But…" Robert stared at him dumbstruck. He couldn’t just accept it?! "I can’t summon shadows, it won’t even work on me."

Aleksander smiled at him. "That’s not necessary."

Roberts eyes widened. Did he mean…? "So it’s possible to create shadows that don’t depend on your constant summoning to hold up?"

"It’s quite difficult, but yes. It’s an elaborate technique I developed after… modifying another one I once used many years ago. It was some trial and error but I came up with a way to do so. But as of yet I only manage to do it on a small scale." He smiled. "The stone will stay dark even if I’m not the one wearing it."

Robert blankly stared at the ring on his finger, the dark stone looking eery with having so many clear cut edges but none of them reflecting the light at all. He looked back up at Aleksander, his mind was surely blank. Aleksander still looked at Robert’s hand, now with Aleksander's ring on it. 

"It’s beautiful, but, but I can’t just keep it-", Robert stuttered, but Aleksander smiled at him with a look that made it clear that he wouldn’t listen to any of his protests. 

"Well, if you don't want to take it as your own then I'll keep the ring. If it's mine, it's my decision where I store it. Hmm, let me think…" his triumphant grin caught Robert off guard, "I think I'll store it on your finger." 

"But - you can’t - ugh! You’re insufferable!", Robert sighed annoyed, but the hints of a smile gave him away. 

The way Aleksander smiled back at him made his breath hitch. He really seemed to want to give it to him after all… Robert didn’t even realize that his hand was still in Aleksanders, just staring at his finger with the ring on it... It really was beautiful. Maybe he could… He made the conscious decision to gently let go of Aleksanders hand now. The ring still on his finger. He looked at his hand for a moment. He felt a flutter in his chest. There was no point in arguing, was there? He would just… keep it on, for the moment…

"Now… would you like to share your thoughts with me?", Aleksander asked softly, making Robert look up. Aleksander was leaning forward a bit. "I fear that I might not understand what you make of the results of the experiment, little saint", he said with a smile.

For the first time Robert looked him properly in the eyes. He blinked. So, it was true. His theory was true.

„Would you explain your findings to me?", Aleksander asked gently.

"Well… where do I start?" Robert had no idea what kind of knowledge Aleksander possessed, so it was probably most sensible to start at the very beginning. "What do you think light is made of?"

Aleksander hummed. “Something that is emitted by the sun and other light sources, right? So… rays of light?”

"Something like that," Robert said, leaning back on the sofa. "Light is not made of straight rays or some kind of formless ether that permeates the universe. Light is… not a substance or anything like that." Aleksander looked at him intently, the flickering candlelight reflected in his eyes. "Do you remember our visit to the fountain? When we threw the coins into the water? You asked me what I saw and I showed you the waves that spread across the surface. Light is also made of waves. Only these waves move incredibly quickly through space and when they hit our eyes we can perceive them."

"Waves?"

"These waves are electromagnetic, they come in different types, energy levels, frequencies, if that means anything to you. Light is only a small part of the large spectrum of these waves, only the visible part. The waves have a specific energy, a specific frequency. What we tested in the experiment today were radio waves. These are also electromagnetic waves, just like light, only they have less energy, a longer wavelength."

"But what do my shadows from the experiment have to do with light?"

"That's where quantum physics comes in. I explained to you that light is a wave, but that's also not quite right. Light consists of photons, small massless particles, each of which carries specific energies bundled together, like little packets. Their energies correspond to the wavelength in the electromagnetic spectrum. When we create what we perceive as light, we create photons that hit our eyes and give us the impression of light. Light consists of photons, which have both particle and wave properties."

"So light consists of particles and waves at the same time?"

"That is the question, isn’t it?“ Robert chuckled, being reminded of his time with his students. „Is light made up of particles or waves? Quantum mechanics says it’s both. How could it be both? It can’t. But it is. It’s paradoxical, and yet, it works." Robert smiled, completely in his element. "Imagine that the electromagnetic wave is the way the photons move in space. The wave describes the pattern of the fields, and the photons are the carriers of the energy of that wave."

"So I understand correctly that you, as a sun summoner, can summon these photons?"

Robert nodded. "And that means we don't stop at light."

Aleksander stared at him.

"The higher the frequency, the more energy the photon has", Robert explained. "Can you imagine what happens when a tiny, high-energy particle - at least five hundred thousand times more energetic than a photon from the range of visible light - races towards your body at an unfathomable speed?"

Aleksander’s eyes widened. "The sickness?"

Robert nodded. "Radiation poisoning. When you grabbed my wrist, I emitted photons of all wavelengths at once. Also gamma rays, at the highest end of the spectrum. Do you know where such rays are created?" He looked Aleksander in the eyes, who was waiting for his answer. "Where atomic nuclei decay and where stars explode."

"And in your hands."

His throat was tight. Robert blinked. "Just like in yours."

"But I can't summon photons, I'm a shadow summoner." Aleksander looked a bit pale. "And to be honest, I don't even know what that means in your... physics world. Whatever happened there, I didn't summon light, that's not possible..."

"Exactly. You did not summon photons. Yet you also did not summon empty space. Your shadows are not the absence of light… they are the opposite." Robert leaned forward in his seat. "You have the ability to summon anti photons."

“Anti... Photons?”

"The hypothetical opposite of photons", Robert explained while leaning back again. "Hypothetical, because their existence has never been proven, never been recorded. At least where I come from. But here everything seems to be a little different." Robert chuckled, looking at Aleksander. He was staring at him dumbstruck. "You see, our eyes only work when photons are present. Normally what we perceive as shadows is just a space where only a few or no photons at all are present", Robert continued his explanation. "But… that’s not the case with your powers, as we have concluded. The reason for the appearance of shadows when you summon is that your anti photons, under normal lighting conditions, cause annihilation. When a Photon collides with an anti photon of the same frequency, they destroy each other, creating energy. When you constantly summon anti photons into a space where photons are present, a lit up space so to speak, the photons of the perceivable light constantly get annihilated. And when there are no photons left, there is no light. That’s why it appears to be that you are summoning shadows. Actually, you are summoning the opposite of light particles, anti particles that destroy the regular ones.“

Aleksander stared at him dumbstruck.

"That is the reason why your sphere was suddenly glowing in my room." Robert looked in the direction of Alexander’s hands. „In the dark were no photons present that could be destroyed. When you started to summon you used a lower energy than the visible light spectrum, your anti photons were still present but just invisible to our eyes. But when I asked you to summon in the same energy range that you normally do, what you were creating were anti photons in the visible part of the spectrum. They behave quite similar to normal photons, reacting with our eyes, thus we were able to see them, since there were no light spectrum photons present to annihilate them. Normally all your anti photons are used up immediately, annihilating photons. But this time they weren’t, and thus we could see them undisturbed.“

„That would mean that in all the unsuccessful attempts when I was still a boy, in which I felt the energy, the shadows, but never saw them, I had actually always been creating them? These anti photons? They were always there, only I couldn't see them?“

„I don't know what it feels like to summon like that. But… I think so.“ Robert looked at Aleksander as he looked down at his own hands with wide eyes. Robert smiled thoughtfully. He hoped Aleksander could follow him. „You are great at what you do“, Robert said softly. „Your powers suit you."

Aleksander looked up. “Thank you..." For a moment they looked each other in the eyes. Aleksander then looked off to the side. „Robert… You truly are brilliant… I don’t understand half of what you just told me but you’ve already changed the way I view my powers completely.”

Robert smiled. "I believe we did."

At that their eyes met again. Aleksander seemed a bit flushed, probably because it was all a bit much to understand for the poor man, Robert smiled at him apologetically.

"You said that this anhiliation only takes place when both particles have the same energy. What would that mean?", Aleksander asked after a moment.

„What exactly?"

"What would happen if my anti photons hit not any regular photons, but... yours?"

Huh. Robert looked at him a bit puzzled.

"If I summon these anti photons in normal light," Aleksander continued, "my shadows are created, destroying the normal light particles. But what happens if your photons are present instead, getting created at the same time?"

Robert sat up straighter. "And they anhiliate them?"

"Exactly, if they keep being created in the same place? And then hit my anti photons?"

"Energy would be created, heat..."

Aleksander looked at him with wide eyes. "So that's where it comes from! But how...? Why...?"

Robert immediately had the image of the glowing shadows in front of his eyes, the warm feeling of when he had touched the shadow sphere. “I fear that I am subconsciously emitting a certain amount of radiation without meaning to,” he explained.

„What would happen if you would do it consciously?“

Oh. Robert looked at him. Aleksander really tempted his sense of reason, playing it out against his curiosity as a scientist...

"Would you be willing to try?", he said softly, curiosity glistening in his eyes.

"It’s a truly intriguing question, but, I have to decline“, Robert said in a soft voice.

"Just this once? I truly want to know."

„Aleksander…“ He sighed. „No. It's too dangerous. I can't control my abilities. You saw what happened."

"You don't have to worry about that." Aleksander smiled. "It's just you and me here."

"There's no way I'm going to let you get radiation sickness!“

"Because you can’t control the energy you put into your summoning? Into your… photons? You are afraid to… summon everything at once, if I understand your struggle correctly? I could… show you."

Robert blinked. "I don’t think this is a good idea."

"Please."

The way he looked at him, that glitter in his eyes, Robert looked down, his hands on the table in front of him, that ring, a tingling in his chest.

"Me suggesting this doesn’t mean that I expect you to suddenly start using your powers, Robert." He looked up again, meeting Aleksander's eyes. "I would never force you to do that. Just this once, okay?"

Robert couldn’t help the soft sigh. “You’re quite curious, aren’t you?"

"About you."

"Just because I don’t know the answer to that?"

Aleksander looked away, Robert almost thought his cheeks were turning a slightly blushing red. "I just have to know, alright?"

Robert looked at him sitting there, leaning restlessly to the side in his dark Kefta. "Please."

Goddamn it! He was lost. “Alright,” Robert whispered breathlessly, a soft smile tugging at his lips.

Aleksander looked at him as if he had hung the stars. „Robert, I-“

Robert looked back on Aleksander’s hands to not catch his gaze, quickly change topics. „Go on then.“

„Well…“, Aleksander started, Robert trying to calm his racing heart. „The first thing you have to know is that Grisha channel their powers through their hands. You probably have noticed by now that it happens when your hands touch.“

Aleksander looked at him for a moment. Robert clasped his hands in front of himself on the table, nothing happening. 

„Did you ever… Try to summon on your own?“

Robert looked away again, had the sudden impulse to pull his hands away to hide everything inside of his Kefta. The image of a beam of light hitting the walls.

“I suppose not then.” Aleksander leaned a bit forward in his seat. “Imagine it as… a river, a river of flowing water. The source is in you, here.” He pointed to his chest. “The water flows in your body, under your skin. It is not like blood, which is bound to your veins, but it goes beyond them, much further. Further than the physical plane. When you open the barriers, it flows out unhindered, flooding the surroundings. You have to direct it, in a targeted stream, so that it does not sweep you away. It is like opening a barrier, but only in a certain place. Do you understand?”

“I think I can follow you,” Robert answered. “But… I don’t feel it.”

„Your powers?“

„How can I access them?“

„You already did once“, Aleksander said.

„But that was with your help“, Robert said, looking away, he couldn’t possibly know of the fiasco that had been the night in his room, could he?

„No. Before that. Back in the shadow fold.“

Robert blinked, immediately a shiver went down his spine. The hairs on the back of his neck standing up. A howling in the back of his mind. The cold and the void…

„Robert.“

He turned to look at Aleksander. 

„Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.“

„It's okay. You… you’re right. I remember. I did summon. But… It was… to defend myself... against-“

„So you called upon your powers unconsciously, interesting.“ Aleksander looked at him intently. „Like a natural defense mechanism. That means that your body is already aware of its capacity to call upon the light, or to open the gates, so to speak. Now we need to do it consciously, without any care for the place where exactly you open the dam. Maybe it is easiest for you to open it completely for a start. You don’t have to focus on the details that way.“

What he said surely made sense, in a way. Robert was a bit uneasy in his seat. But how could he open the gates? He didn’t even feel the energy inside, now… He closed his eyes, clasping his hands. He just had to focus. It must be somewhere, right? 

A few moments passed, nothing happened.

„It might be especially difficult for you, since you aren’t properly attuned to your powers, I believe. I suppose you never even suspected to have them growing up, am I right?“

Robert could just nod. 

„What are you struggling with concretely?“

Robert looked down on his clasped hands. He was so pathetic, couldn’t even concentrate properly. „I can’t find it.“

„Your… powers?“

Robert nodded, embarrassed to have proven himself to be such a failure, especially in front of Aleksander.

„Then let me show you“, Aleksander said in a quiet voice, a bit breathless. Robert looked up, Aleksander reached over the table, a finger gently touching his chest, right in the middle, next to his heart. At the contact sparks were rushing through his chest. Robert looked up wide eyed. He didn’t move away, staying still, unconsciously holding his breath.

„It sits here, begins to build up to there“, Aleksander explained, finger softly moving up Roberts chest, „spreads out from this point, and then“, he said, finger gliding up Roberts neck, „you can feel it here“, Aleksander said, breathless, voice barely a whisper. Robert stared at him, black eyes unfocused, Aleksanders touch barely felt through his Kefta. Suddenly Aleksander withdrew his hand, turning to the side in his seat, crossing his legs. „I can feel it build up in the back of my throat sometimes“, he explained a bit breathless. 

Roberts heart was hammering in his chest. What had just happened? He felt a flutter in his chest, heat on the path of Aleksanders touch. His heart was beating like crazy, it was as if Aleksander had ignited a firework in his chest just by a simple touch that was barely there. Was that his powers?

Robert tried to concentrate again, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of Aleksanders form, leaning to the side, not even looking in his direction. „I… feel something“, Robert said softly, making Aleksander turn around immediately. „It's… strange.“

„Try to focus on it, make it condense“, Aleksander said with a sudden energy. 

Robert tried to focus on the flutter in his chest, and it actually grew stronger every second he looked at Aleksander's mesmerizing eyes, now staring right at him. 

„Now make your hands touch, and then let the gates flood“, Aleksander said breathlessly, excitement in his voice.

Robert clasped his hands again, focusing on the feeling in his chest. It was pleasant, exciting even, but also filled with something else… worry? He supposed that was to be expected for something dangerous like this. 

He wasn’t sure what Aleksander meant concretely be opening the gates, but he guessed anything was as good as a try. Robert closed his eyes, trying to imagine a stream of light going from his chest out to his arms, spreading over his fingers, concentrating above his hands, making a sphere of light, just like Aleksander had done with his shadows so effortlessly. But when he opened his eyes nothing happened, Aleksander looking at him intently, heat rising in Robert’s cheeks. He was an utter disappointment. He looked away. „Sorry. I just don’t know how to…“

Gently a hand came up to his, making Robert turn his head again. Aleksander took both of his hands, clasping them between his own. Robert looked up.

„You know what amplifiers are, do you?“, Aleksander said.

Robert nodded.

„I… am one. I am able to give you… a power up, so to say. When I touch you… your powers will react to my blood and bones and… I can call upon them.“

Robert stared at him transfixed.

„Thats what I did when I…“ Aleksander looked off to the side, clearly feeling guilty at the way he had used that during the presentation. 

„Alright“, Robert said in a whisper, making Aleksander turn back to face him. „Do it again.“

Aleksander tightened his grip on Roberts hands, holding them between his own, tight and secure. Robert could feel warmth at the contact. 

„Are you sure?“, Aleksander asked softly.

Robert nodded. „Please. Help me.“

At that Robert felt a tingling sensation on the backs of his hands, where Aleksanders palms were touching him. Something flared up in his chest, roaring, loudly, wailing at the contact. Robert gasped. This wasn’t how it had felt before… Aleksander moved his hands, making Roberts palms face upwards, stabilizing them from the underside, still touching. 

The flickering feeling spread from his chest over his shoulders, down his arms, through his fingers, but… it didn’t go beyond.

„You… need to help me a bit, here“, Aleksander said with a soft chuckle, holding up Roberts hands. „There is something blocked inside you, whatever it is, try to overcome it“, he said.

Robert tried to concentrate on his words. What did he mean? A blockade? He closed his eyes, tried to give the push more power, but it was to no use, when he opened his eyes again not even the hint of a shimmer was visible. Why couldn’t he just do it? Aleksander made it look so easy, then why couldn’t he just - And then he realized it. 

Robert was… scared. 

He was utterly, completely petrified. 

Scared, not for the implications this little experiment would have on him and his life, but… for Aleksander. 

„Are you sure you’re not affected?“, Robert whispered with a choked voice.

„By what? Calling upon your powers? Thats natural to me, its-"

„No- I meant… Are you really sure that you won’t get sick? I can feel it, this is different from the summoning at the presentation… I was surprised back then, wasn’t prepared for anything like this, it was done in a hurry, not properly. But now... I fear whatever will happen here, might be more dangerous than what happened before.“

Aleksander stared at him intently, light reflecting in his dark eyes. „Don’t be scared. You are able to endure it, I assure you. Your body was made for your powers and-“

„No, I mean… I meant you.“

Aleksanders breath hitched. He looked at him wide eyed. „Oh?"

Robert stared at him.

Aleksander looked a bit out dumbstruck. "Uhm, no", he said, "It’s okay, no need to worry about me. It's fine, you won’t hurt me.“

„Really?“

"I believe I might be immune to that sickness of yours, don’t you think?", Aleksander said, "Remember, I stood right next to you when it happened."

Robert looked at him intently. Aleksander was right, he had been wondering the same thing…

"And if i am actually able to summon these... anti photons, then i must be able to endure them as well, if I understood you correnctly?"

Oh. He was actually right... Robert felt the embarrassment flood his cheeks.

Aleksander looked at him with a soft smile. „Im here for you, okay? We can do it, together. I will help you.“

Robert felt the warmth in his chest, this time it wasn’t the anxiety, but rather something else, something he couldn’t put a name on; he felt in the back of his mind that it was something important, but he couldn’t quite grasp it yet. „Okay.“

At that Aleksander smiled at him, clasping his hands again. „Try again?“

Robert nodded, concentrating again. With Aleksander doing whatever it was that he was doing, Robert could feel the heat rise in his chest again, the sparks, they were there, yes, he could feel them, but… they were feeling different from what he had somehow oftentimes had felt over the last few days. These sparks, they were faster, more energetic, more present. Nothing like the other kind of warmth he was somehow feeling more and more often lately, especially in Aleksander’s presence. This warmth here instead not so much fluttered inside, but instead flooded his chest, his shoulders, gliding down his arms, into his fingers, pooling at the tips. Aleksander turned Roberts hands to face palms up again, holding them up gently. Robert focused on his fingertips, imagining as if he was pushing agains a wall, trying to shove it away to make the water find its way through. He looked up from his hands, up to Aleksander, the look of fierce, dark glistening eyes giving a pang to his heart, up to his neck and then everything burst out - at once the whole room lit up in a roaring blaze of light. 

Robert flinched, closing his hands immediately - in an instant everything vanished, the room going dark again.

"What…"

Robert was trembling. His heart was hammering against his ribcage, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up, a ringing noise rushing through his ears, those agonizing screams, the images, the bomb, and everything was back, and -

„You did amazing!“ Aleksander was kneeling next to the sofa, gently holing his hand, looking up at him. When had he come here? „You did everything right! See? You’re doing great!“

Robert felt as if he had done a grave mistake. "I shouldn’t…"

"You did nothing wrong." He slowly reached out, taking Robert’s other hand in his own as well. Aleksander’s touch was soft and comforting, like a rock in the stormy sea. "Everything is alright. You're safe here. Here with me."

"No, I just…" Robert felt the rush in his head, he needed to get out of here! His instincts were screaming at him to hide away from the light, to cower under his covers, to -

"Look at me." Aleksander gently squeezed his hands, his voice still soft and steady. "Focus on your breathing."

"I should go", Robert gasped breathlessly, trying to stand up on wobbly legs. "I shouldn’t have done that - I will - never again, I-“

Aleksander immediately stood up with him, his steadying hands on his shoulders keeping him from falling. 

"No. You're not going anywhere like that. You need to calm down first." Aleksander’s voice was soft but commanding, a hint of authority in it. Aleksander gently pushed him back down into the cushions of the sofa. "Sit down and take some deep breaths."

Robert let himself be sat down again, his mind hazy and impressions rushing past his inner eye faster than he could fathom an image. There was light, a tower, the distant voices of his colleagues, laundry swaying in the wind, the rainy night, the glass, the timer counting down, three, two, one-

"Robert, look at me. Focus on my voice." Aleksander gently cupped Robert's face in his hands, bringing him back to the present. At the touch Robert blinked, teary eyes tying to focus on Aleksander.

Aleksander's expression softened, his touch gentle as he held Robert’s face in his hands. "That's it. I’m here. You're safe. Everything is alright. Wherever your mind might be right now, it’s not real. You're here in my room. Just concentrate on my voice, okay? Take a breath. In… and out."

Robert tried to focus on Aleksander, his voice, his touch on his face, and it was oddly soothing. Because he was here. He was not alone. Aleksander was here with him.

Aleksander continued to hold Robert's face in his hands, his thumbs gently stroking his cheeks. Robert tried to focus on his breathing, in and out. Slowly some of the tension left his body, the panic slowly fading.

"That's right“, Aleksander murmured. „You’re doing so good. You’re safe here."

He continued to soothe and comfort Robert, his voice soft, his presence grounding and reassuring.

"Why… why?" Robert said, breathless voice.

Aleksander’s brow furrowed at the question, not quite understanding. “Why what?", he asked softly, holding Roberts face in his hands.

"Why… this? Why did it… explode like that? That’s not normal, isn’t it?" The image of the blazing light, that agonizing shockwave, the horror of the cloud -

"Light like yours... it was always thought to be warm and gentle. What happened just now…“ Aleksander’s voice trailed off for a moment, his eyes unfocused, thoughts apparently lost somewhere along the way. "The legends were wrong in so many aspects, concerning our sun summoner… concerning you.“ Then he refocused, his eyes on Robert again, looking him in the eyes in a way that made Robert almost hold his breath. „Everything is how it should be“, Aleksander whispered, „You are perfect. What you’ve shown was everything but normal… that was power fit for a saint."

Robert stared at him wide eyed.

Aleksander held his gaze, continuing to speak softly. „You have unprecedented power, Robert. Something that this world has never witnessed before. And that power will one day make you into the most formidable Grisha.“ His tone was almost reverent as he looked at him. He ran his thumbs over Robert's cheeks again, smiling softly in a way that made Robert's heart clench. "My Sun Summoner. A legend, come to life.“

Robert felt like he could cry. A suffocating weight pressing down on him, yet even tears felt like an effort just out of reach. "I wish I was dead", he whispered.

Aleksander’s eyes widened, staring at him with a mixture of shock and disbelief. "Don't even think about saying something like that!“ His hands now on Robert’s shoulders, grabbing him tightly. Aleksander’s eyes bore into Robert's, his expression bordering on panic. Dark eyes glistening in the low light. "You're supposed to be here! I won't let you die!“

Aleksander maintained his firm grip on Robert's shoulders, refusing to let go. His eyes flickered between Robert’s, as if he was searching for something long lost behind his eyes. Robert couldn’t even feel his heart beating anymore. He was just so exhausted. He felt like if he would close his eyes now, he would never open them again. Finally.

“You’re the light“, Aleksander said with a shaky voice, „my equal… You’re able to brighten this world.“ He lowered his voice again, his tone soft. "You’re too important to simply… let go."

At his words Robert looked back up into Aleksander’s eyes, black like obsidian, glistening in the soft light. When he looked at him like that Robert somehow didn’t feel the urge to let go, but rather to grip onto him by the shoulders and hold him and - Aleksander shifted on the floor in front of him, slowly lifting his right hand and gently placing it on his cheek again, his eyes unwavering. He kept his hand on Robert's face, looking into his eyes in an intensity as if he was actually finding something there, where Robert knew nothing could be left. Aleksander kept stroking his cheek with his thumb again. Robert strangely felt how his heartbeat was calming down a bit, with every soft touch.

Aleksander’s voice was soft but firm, his eyes never leaving Robert's. "I’d never let you go."

Robert closed his eyes, taking a breath. Feeling the touch of Aleksander’s hand gently holding his cheek, he had the sudden urge to cry again, in an intensity to picture a flood streaming down the grand stairs in the hallway. He felt so exhausted he could either fall asleep or cry for all of eternity.

"Look at me."

At the sound of Aleksander’s voice Robert opened his eyes again, staring right into black.

"Don't look away, Robert."

There was a kind of vulnerability in Aleksander’s expression that he had never seen there before. His heart was still beating, pretty fast at that.

Aleksander held his gaze for a moment, still gently stroking his cheek. He was pretty close by… His voice was soft and quiet. "Keep looking at me."

"I am looking at you“, Robert said.

"I know. Don’t look away."

Robert’s cheeks flushed, the longer he stared into the abyss of Aleksander’s eyes. What was happening? Why was Aleksander kneeling on the floor? "Is this turning into some kind of staring contest?“, Robert said to dissipate the strange tension and hide his sudden nervousness. Where was that even coming from?

Aleksander raised an eyebrow, a smirk pulling at the corners of his lips. His voice was soft, yet a hint of challenge in it. „Are you too intimidated to continue?“

„Hmpf.“

Aleksander actually had the nerve to widen his smile. “Is that all I get, a grunt?”, he said, tilting his head to the side slightly, looking at him with a spark in his eyes.

Robert felt his cheeks heat up even more, a flutter in his chest at Aleksander’s intense gaze, what was happening? Was he actually holding his face right now? Why was he here again? And then Robert realised. Remembering that he had moments before almost had a panic attack made him realise - Aleksander had successfully made him focus on something so completely out of the line, that his brain had been too occupied to even think about spiraling again. Huh. At that Robert couldn’t help the the corners of his own lips pull up into a mild version of a smile. However strange that conversation might be right now, it had certainly done the trick. Aleksander had helped him through his panic attack again.

"Thank you", Robert said. "Sincerely."

"You’re welcome“, Aleksander answered, his voice almost a whisper.

"I should… go now" , Robert said softly. "I don’t think I’m able to fulfill your request today."

Aleksander's hands slid down to Robert’s shoulders again, softly lingering. "Stay awhile longer."

"I don’t think I’m able to try again to summon today. I’m sorry."

"I know. That’s not why I’m asking you to stay. I have to make sure you’re save.“

Robert blinked, a flutter in his chest. Huh.

Aleksander kept looking at him, his face close to Robert’s, his hands still on his shoulders.

Robert felt embarassement creep up in the back of his neck, and he must have done something to justify that exhaustion that kept him from leaving in shame. Again, he had shown just the worst side of himself, again embarassed himself in front of the one person whose opinion truly mattered to him and who he admir- "Well if you… sit down or something?", Robert quickly said and shut out the thought. "You don’t have to cower on the floor like that", he added softly.

He noticed how Aleksander’s expression shifted a little, a hint of surprise. Slowly he got up and sank down on the sofa next to Robert, resting a hand on the armrest.

Aleksander’s gaze held Robert’s, a mixture of firmness and something else in his eyes. He spoke after a moment, his voice quiet and steady. "How are you feeling now?"

Robert leaned back on the sofa, actually wondering about that question as well. He sighed. He was feeling a bit tired after that stressful day… no, absolutely, utterly exhausted the longer he thought about it. He felt like he could sink into the cushions and pass out, right here, next to Aleksander. Today had pushed him to his limits; physically and mentally. He shifted slightly on the sofa. Robert felt like he could melt into the couch and never get up again.

Aleksander kept his voice low, the words coming out quietly in the silence of the room. "You look exhausted."

"Just closing my eyes for a bit“, Robert mumbled, leaning back into the couch, gravity doing its part and making him slowly leaning off to one side.

A soft chuckle. "You need proper rest. Not a nap on a sofa."

"You said you wanted me here…", Robert managed to say, but somehow his mind was so tired, he didn’t even notice how he leaned over, couldn’t help it when his head touched Aleksander’s shoulder. Warm. He rested, oddly content. Comfortable.

Aleksander stayed silent for a moment, then spoke quietly, almost a hint of tenderness in his voice, now coming from very close by. "I did. But not so you’d pass out on me", he said and Robert could hear the smile in his voice. „It was all a bit much for you today, wasn’t it?“

Robert barely even heard him anymore, just feeling a sense of peace and security washing over him. He knew he was safe here, somehow felt at just the right place to take a nap. Didn’t even realize where he was anymore, only the feeling of safety and that pleasant warmth enveloping him like a soft, dark blanket, lulling him to sleep. Exhaustion took over and Robert fell asleep.

Chapter Text

He couldn’t believe what was happening; Aleksander was wide awake, sober and definitely sane - and Robert Oppenheimer was currently leaning on his shoulder. 

Robert’s breath came soft and steady, a sleepy rhythm in the quiet of the room. Aleksander studied him carefully as Robert leaned against his shoulder, eyes closed, the soft rise and fall of his chest calming cycle. Aleksander’s heart suddenly felt tight at the sight, but he quickly pushed that feeling aside. He looked down at him for another moment, taking in his relaxed form, then spoke in a soft, quiet voice. 

„Robert?“ No answer. His words were almost inaudible in the silence of the room. „Come on. You need proper rest.“

He received an incomprehensible mumble for an answer - Aleksander couldn’t help the smile. He stayed silent for a moment, then spoke quietly again, almost in a murmured whisper. 

„Im serious“, Aleksander said softly, „this is no place for proper sleep.“ It was an impossible pursuit to try and hide the tenderness in his voice. 

Suddenly Robert shifted, Aleksanders breath hitched, he moved -  and then Robert was suddenly leaning halfway on his chest. Oh saints! A bit closer and Aleksander’s rapid heartbeat hammering against Robert’s cheek would have surely startled his little saint awake.

It was clear as day that using his powers properly like that for the first time had over-exhausted Robert. Aleksander could have scolded himself, he shouldn’t have made Robert stay, now look where that got him into? He should have let Robert go, but then again, he needed to keep him safe, and now… Aleksander couldn’t keep his eyes from Robert’s slumped over form, the sight of his little saint making his heart clench. Aleksander studied him for a few moments longer, seeing how peaceful he looked, how he was completely relaxed against his chest. Could he…? Robert surely could have chosen a better position than halfway hanging there…. maybe he could…? Taking a leap of faith Aleksander gently wrapped an arm around Robert, his hold very soft and careful. 

He breathlessly waited for Roberts reaction, but nothing came of it; he listened to the slow rhythm of Robert’s breath, watched the soft rise and fall of his chest. The tenderness in Aleksander’s heart he felt at the sight was tearing him apart, he was overflowing with it, just holding his little saint close, observing him, seeing him so completely trusting and relaxed. He held Robert softly against his chest, his arm carefully laid around him, keeping him close. Now he could even feel Robert’s breath moving in a slow, gentle rhythm; while Aleksander’s gaze was following a particularly stubborn strand of dark hair that had fallen into his little saint’s forehead. He couldn’t help the smile, taking the liberty to gently move it away with his other hand. Robert's dark hair was soft and silky. Aleksander stayed silent, listening to Robert’s quiet, even breathing, a sign that he had fully fallen asleep.

He could barely believe it, his sun summoner passed out against his chest, leaning on him as he slept, seeking comfort in his presence. Aleksander’s heart clenched, an odd mix of bafflement and tenderness. What should he do now? With his little saint sleeping in his arms like that? His mind was racing with a thousand thoughts as he sat there, Robert asleep against his side. He looked so peaceful, so vulnerable in that moment. He could feel the gentle heat of his body where they were pressed together. Aleksander involuntary tightened his grip around Robert, he couldn’t help the surge of protectiveness that welled up within him at the sight.

What should he do now? He would very well have loved to sit here all night, his arm around Robert going numb without a care in the world, feeling his little saint’s warmth pressed against his side for hours and watch over him like the statue of an eternal guardian. But this wasn't about him, it was about Robert. He had completely exhausted himself, that much was clear. Aleksander shouldn't have persuaded him... He felt a pang of regret in his chest. Involuntarily, he held Robert a little closer to him. His breathing was completely relaxed… Robert had actually fallen asleep in Aleksander’s arms. It was a beautiful moment that he would have liked to hold on to, to stretch it out, keep it in his memory - to eternalize it in a way that would make him able to relive the scene again and again and again... but Robert needed proper rest. Aleksander couldn't let him sleep in such an uncomfortable position, now, could he? He shouldn't have stopped him from returning to his rooms, Robert had been right... now he was asleep here, should he just wake him? But Robert was exhausted…

Aleksander continued to sit there, his thoughts and feelings churning within him as he looked at the sleeping saint. His mind was in turmoil, torn between waking him up and letting him sleep. He knew that Robert needed rest, so he hesitated at waking him up, but at the same time he knew that the current position would be uncomfortable for him when he woke up, if Aleksander decided to let him stay like this for the night. He could nudge him, gently shake him to wake him up, or he could… Aleksander breathed out heavily. It suddenly occurred to him. It was a wild, a crazy thought, but on the other hand… 

Looking down on Roberts cozy form, he was filled with a new determination. Aleksander gently maneuvered Robert around, shifting him into a position where he could easily pick him up. He stood, slowly slid his other arm underneath him, carefully lifting Robert from the sofa into his arms. Aleksander couldn’t help the way his body tensed at the new sensation, the feeling of having Robert in his arms, so close to him. It was strangely… exhilarating, holding him. He could feel how light he was in his arms and Aleksander held on to him firmly, refusing to let go. A flutter in his chest. He pushed away the feeling, concentrating on holding Robert securely. Aleksander carefully stepped around the furniture in the sitting area, taking careful, quiet steps, concentrating on not waking Robert up.

With a tender flutter in his chest, Aleksander carried Robert to the grand four-poster bed in the back of his room. He laid him down on his dark silken sheets with the utmost care, watching as Robert's eyes remained closed, his breaths staying just as rhythmic and even as before. The sight of Robert on his own bed sent a strange thrill through Aleksander, a sight that was as beautiful as it was exhilarating for some reason… He took a moment to study Robert’s features in the candlelight, the sharp angles of his jaw, the now softened smile lines around his eyes, the way his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks in his sleep. He looked like a painting done by the skilled hands of the best artists of the millennium, a painting done with the rarest materials, the most exquisite colours used - even with his eyes now closed in sleep Aleksander had perfectly memorized the very shade of blue that was Robert’s eyes. 

Robert shifted slightly, mumbling something in his sleep, but he didn’t wake, merely shifting to get comfortable on the bed. Aleksander let out a soft sigh of relief. He stood over the bed, watching Robert silently. His hair had fallen across his forehead, creating a soft, wild tangle against the pillow. Aleksander allowed himself to indulge in a quiet moment of imagination, he wanted so badly to lay down with him, pull his little saint into his arms, to hold him close and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. But he knew he couldn't, so he stayed standing there, the silent sentinel to a sleeping saint. His eyes never left Robert's face, tracing the lines of his brow, the curve of his nose, the gentle rise and fall of his chest. What would he do if Aleksander laid bare his soul? Before the one person who truly understood what darkness meant? The shadows in the room seemed to coil around him protectively, probably an unconscious move of his, but it could have very well seemed as if even they understood the depth of the black heretic’s devotion for the sun summoner. 

Aleksander was tempted to just stay there, studying Robert’s unconscious form all night long. It would have been so easy, to just watch him sleep, studying every little movement, the way his chest rose and fell as he breathed. However, Aleksander also knew that his little saint needed to rest properly, to be left alone to sleep in peace. Also, Robert would be more comfortable once he was under the covers, not just laid there on top of them. Hesitantly, Aleksander slowly reached out, lifting the duvet, gently tucking the covers around Robert. He was careful with his movements, not wanting to wake him up, feeling a tightening, almost unbearable tenderness in his heart.

Once Robert was properly covered, Aleksander took a step back again. What should he do now? Probably leave, that was it. Oh well. A feeling in his chest, tightening, straining his heart. Part of him wanted to sit down onto the bed, to lay down next to Robert, to wrap his arms around his little saint, to hold him close, to feel his body against his own and never let him go again - the sight of him laying in Aleksander’s own bed, it was turning his heart inside out in a way that left him breathless - but he knew very well that this was impossible.

Aleksander silently admonished himself for his thoughts, scolding himself for letting his mind wander to such ridiculous places. He had no claim on Robert, no right to want such things, no right to picture himself at his side. He forced his mind to focus on reality, his blurry eyes, away from foolish, wishful thinking. Robert didn’t even know who he really was. 

He was the General of the Second Army, a powerful man, a manipulator, a creature of darkness, a vile thing, a liar - and Robert… this man was the Sun Summoner, Sankt Robert, the harbinger of dawn; he was a powerful being the world had waited for… not his little saint.

He knew he would leave, just in a minute. For the last time he looked over Robert’s sleeping form, under the covers, in Aleksander’s bed, committing the image to memory. Robert was beautiful. It made something twist in his chest again. If he hadn’t already known, in this moment Aleksander would have realized that he was in love.

The realization hit him like a physical blow.

He was in love. 

With the man currently sleeping in his bed, looking so innocent and at peace, so vulnerable and oh, so very beautiful.

Aleksander felt his heart ache at the familiar realization, a mixture of tenderness and a soft, dull self-pity. He knew it was wrong, foolish of him. Robert wasn’t his, and if it truly was like his moth- Baghra had said, he never would be. It was a feeling he could never act upon. But yet he could not deny it either. 

It wasn’t the realisation of his unrequited feelings for Robert that made him smile with his vision blurring, but it was the fact that he knew that he could never have him. Robert would never want him, never love him back. His mother had been right. He was the black heretic, the scum of the abyss, wanting to look up at the greatest saint, the brightest of them all; looking up from the darkest gutter up to the stars. Oh, he was a foolish one.

He had actually, truly fallen in love - the thought so loud in his mind like a confession echoing in an empty cathedral.

Without even realizing it, a tear slipped from his eye, slowly rolling down his cheek. Aleksander immediately wiped it away, not wanting to let it fall. He turned away, throat feeling stuck. He couldn’t show such weakness, such silly vulnerability. 

He should let Robert rest now. Part of him wanted to lean down, to brush back his hair, to touch his face, to gently press a kiss against Robert’s forehead - but of course he didn’t. He would never dare to do something like that. At least he had the memory of the scene, a sight he would take with him and cherish for all of eternity.

Aleksander scraped the remnants of his dignity off the floor and turned to leave.

He walked to the door, the candlelight casting shadows across the room. He left to the war room next to his chambers, with a soft click closing the door behind him. His footsteps were silent as he crossed the threshold into the adjoining chamber, the tactical display table scattered with figures and different battle strategies pinned to the walls. His steps were silent, not even the floorboards daring to creak beneath his weight. 

There was a hollow feeling in Aleksander’s chest, a dull ache. He could not tell if it was because of the realization of his unrequited feelings, or the emptiness the future would surely hold. He wanted to turn around, to go back into his bedroom, to lie down next to Robert and hold him close, protect him, to keep him safe in his embrace… but he wasn’t weak.

Aleksander couldn’t tell Robert about this. Couldn't tell him what he felt… because if he did and Robert didn’t know who Aleksander really was, then nothing Robert could have possibly answered would have held any meaning.

Aleksander wanted, he wanted, and it threatened to make him weak. He hated that feeling, as much as he loved the cause of it. He wanted. But he couldn’t. He had to let him go, like the coward he was.

A knock on his door from the hallway.

Aleksander’s head jerked up, his thoughts snapping back to reality. He froze for a moment, unsure if he had heard correctly.

Another knock, slightly louder this time. He quickly shook himself out of his trance, walking over to the door to pull it open. 

Behind it stood Ivan, back from the hunt. "General."

"Ivan", Aleksander greeted, his voice calm and steady, not betraying a thought behind his eyes.

He stepped to the side, letting Ivan enter. He wondered, could a heartrender sense heartbreak? What a silly thought. 

Ivan stepped inside. The tension in the air was as thick as smoke. Aleksander watched the back of Ivan’s Kefta, the man surely knew why he had sent him away on this mission, only now returning after some uncomfortable days out in the wild. Ivan had crossed a line, and by the nervous look on his most faithful assistant’s face, Aleksander could tell that he too was well aware of it. 

„About the incident…“, Ivan started in a tone that probably only a few could recognize as a sign of nervousness from the stoic man, but Aleksander quickly broke him off, waving a hand. 

„None of that.“ It was not his place to forgive him, only to do what was necessary to protect Robert. He didn’t need to hear any of Ivans apologies. „I trust that the hunt was successful?“

Ivan looked at him, his face a mix of concern and anticipation. „Indeed, sir“, he said, stretching the moment out even further than necessary, his voice a low murmur. “The hunters have found the stag at the edge of the woods, up in the north. It was with a herd, but it was clearly the one. It is as you suspected.“

Aleksander's heartbeat sped up at the news. So it was more than a legend. It was too real. He turned away, facing a random space on the wall, his thoughts spiraling. Aleksander’s initial plan had been to claim it, to use its power to bend the sun summoner to his will, but…the sun summoner, Robert…

Aleksander turned back around to Ivan, his expression a mask of calm, belying the chaos within. "What is the condition of the creature?" he asked, his voice even.

"It is alive and unharmed… a truly marvelous being, if you had seen it-“ Aleksander shot him a look that made Ivan stop at once.

The news of the stag’s successful tracking should have been something that he wanted. It was a good thing, a great success. But all he could think about was Robert, asleep in his bed.

"Very good. The Grisha on the hunt, are they alright?", Aleksander asked, his voice carefully betraying nothing.

"Yes and awaiting your orders, General."

Aleksander didn’t allow himself to react to the update, his expression still carefully guarded. Knowing that the hunt was completed successfully and the stag was about to be safely in their possession should be a good thing. The hunters knew where it was, kept an eye on it, monitoring its every step. Now it was his turn, his turn to follow his centuries old plans. But… his thoughts were still fixated on the one person that kept invading his mind, asleep in the other room.

"Excellent. You all have done well“, Aleksander said, his voice steady and controlled. His eyes drifted to the closed door, his thoughts racing. His original intent had been to capture the stag and force the sun summoner to wear its antlers, controlling them, but…

„What are your orders, General?“

Aleksander ran a hand through his hair, the weight of his plans pressing down on him like a mountain of bricks tumbling down from a collapsed building. He couldn’t repress the deep sigh that shook thought his chest. He paced though the room, to his desk and the table, the wall with the strategies. His mind was racing like a storm, thundering echoes of his past. He had dreamt of bringing a new age, a world united under his rule, where his Grisha could be save; had dreamt of the shadow fold as a weapon to ensure peace and security, had dreamt about a new era - but now…

He consciously stopped his pacing, his gaze meeting Ivan's. "We must proceed with caution," Aleksander said. "We will capture the stag. But we will not harm it. Not yet."

The heartrender nodded. “Understood.“

The conversation hung thick in the air above the war table. Aleksander’s plan was set in motion, but the outcome… uncertain. 

If this would have been a fairytale, it would have been easy - a simple decision between love and power over the fate of Ravka. But this wasn’t a fairy tale, and this was no decision between good and evil. 

What it truly was was not a question of love. It couldn’t be a question of love, because did Aleksander not also love his Grisha? Did he not also love his kind that had been persecuted for all of the centuries he had spend on this miserable earth? He loved Robert, and he also loved his Grisha; it was a different kind of love, surely, but it was love all the same.

Aleksander knew that Ivan was studying him, but he knew he wasn’t going to reveal even a hint of his innermost thoughts.

“Is there something else?", Aleksander asked, his voice almost betraying a glint of impatience.

„No, Sir. That was all.“

„Thank you, Ivan.“ He looked at him in his unusually dirty red Kefta. If he was honest it had been about time he had returned. „Good night.“

With a nod Ivan left, closing the door to the hallway behind him with a rather loud crack.

At that Aleksander was alone again. 

In the quiet of the war room, Aleksander stood in front of the table, the candlelight flickering across the little figurines and parchments and scrolls scattered before him. His eyes were distant, lost in the tumult of his thoughts. 

He saw himself standing on a hill overlooking a ravaged land, the shadow fold stretching out before him like a scar across the earth, a testament to his power and ambition. A wasteland where once life had been, a void of his own making. Everyone was there, diplomats of all countries looking up at him in terror, witnessing his powers. And amidst the destruction, there were Robert’s eyes - filled with betrayal. He flinched. Aleksander’s love now a twisted mockery, a weapon turned against him. The image shifted and he saw himself next to the man he loved again, all alone, holding his hand, relishing in their shared powers. Robert laughs, the sound making his heart beat, as light and shadow are dancing through the void. Could he trust him with the truth?

A sigh escaped Aleksander's lips, the shadows on the table fluttering in response. There was no conclusion. For now he remained in this limbo.

Aleksander traced the edge of a recently written letter with his finger, the ink smudging slightly. Love like this demanded respect, and respect demanded honesty. Would Robert forgive his deception? The horrifying ordeal of being known.

If Aleksander would tell him the truth, Robert would hate him, and Aleksander would try to keep himself together and fail and fall apart. And how could he protect his Grisha then? With his love turned against him, twisted into a weakness, like a dagger to his throat? He would have nowhere to go, nothing left. The horrifying scenario flashing behind his eyes, making him shudder, a cold shiver running down his spine where he wished Robert’s hand could be. Neither of them would be able to leave this war if it came to it, either Robert would be standing with him, or he would be standing against him - there would be no in-between. 

There was no way out, it was so utterly unfair. 

The sun summoners existence was unfair! 

The sun summoner being Robert Oppenheimer was unfair!

Why, why couldn’t anyone else hold these powers? Anyone else bear the burden of the sun summoner - …but that couldn’t be, it wouldn’t have been real, such a thought. Robert was the sun summoner, the two being inseparable, two names for one and the same concept. The sun summoner couldn’t have been someone else, and neither could Robert Oppenheimer. The man and the saint were one in the same, the scientist with the beautiful eyes and sharp mind, with the laugh that gave him a fluttering feeling every time he heard it, and even with the messy handwriting Aleksander had even somehow come to find endearing. 

It was futile. It was indifferent. There was no use to imagining a different sun summoner who he could have broken down and taken control over in a heartbeat, because the sun summoner had always been Robert. Two concepts intertwined, of the power he sought, and the man that he loved. Anything else was pointless when it was so clearly necessary, and had been just that from the very beginning - meant to be.

With his finger Aleksander traced the outline of east Ravka on the table. If he couldn’t take control over those powers, it would have been the next best sensible thing to not let them be controlled by anyone else either, to nip them in the bud. 

He drew his hand away. No. Aleksander knew in the deepest parts of his soul that he would never stop encouraging Robert to reaching his full potential, whatever that may come to mean for him. Even if it would stand against him in the very end. 

Aleksander walked around the table, stopping next to Kerch on the map. He truly did know only so little about Robert. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath to steady his thoughts. 

Whatever may come, it would not matter anyway. Roberts strength mattered to him, but in truth it would not matter at all. Because if Robert would face him in battle, stand against him, no matter how powerful Aleksander was - it would end there. And it would not be a question of skill on how it would end. 

Aleksander knew what would come out of a battle between him and his love, if the world would have twisted Robert, turned him against him, mixed up in lies of his own making - oh he knew. It was already decided, clear as day, that this would end it all. 

He walked back around the table to where Ravka was depicted, the miniature shadow fold amidst the other little figurines standing unmoving as ever. What should he do? Aleksander stood at the crossroad to paths that were covered in fog. He could not see the destination, could not predict the outcome of his next actions. But he had to take them, and the sooner the better. Things weren’t waiting for him, the circumstances could only grow more twisted, the rope tightening around his wrists. He would need to act soon. 

His heart was beating faster now. Oh, he knew one thing… if it came to a fight and Aleksander could not win… it would mean that in the end everything would have been pointless.

If he gave up, it would have meant nothing. All his efforts, all his sacrifices, all his life dedicated towards a better future for his Grisha - it would all have meant nothing.