Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

LEE
I'll say this: right from the start I knew it was a bad idea. And yes, It's my fault, but it's also not entirely my fault.

LEE
It goes like this. I had my book pitch ready, complete with powerpoint. I showed how the market is at the moment and the potential audience. I had graphs, god dammit. I even wrote a prospectus. Don't know what that is? Neither did I until I looked it up and figured I'd better have one in case they asked. I was prepared.

LEE
But there was one last thing. My ex-roommate Melissa put this bug in my ear. She's trying to become a screenwriter, so she has to go and pitch ideas to the money people. It's not the same thing, but it's kind of the same thing. We are both appealing to the all powerful gatekeepers. Please give me money to make my thing! What she told me was the writing equivalent of don't put your eggs in one basket. Have a second idea, and a third and a fourth in case they don't like your first one.

LEE
I couldn't imagine how that would happen. This was the printed word, not Hollyweird. These are calm logical people who respect the words and the writers that write them. But I sketched out a few ideas anyway. Over preparation is my jam.

LEE
I'll spare you the details of how I got the meeting, all the wet handshakes, terrible dinners, reply all email chains. But I got in. I did my big, smoothly polished pitch, showed my carefully crafted slides, even had handouts to follow along. And they passed.

LEE
A hard NO. They could not have been less interested. No discussion, just a nope. I managed not to scream WHY in their faces, which for the day is definitely a win. Then, just as Melissa predicted, they asked what else I had. I pitched them a second book, kind of a slimmer, sexier version of the one I had just done. Pass. Then a third, something even thinner, no slides, no notes. Also a pass. Then just as I had finished gathering up all my supplies (why the hell did I bring so much crap with me?) I threw out the literary equivalent of a Hail Mary.

LEE
A raw thing, the idea of an idea, no, more like the place where an idea would grow, just something that had been rolling around in my brain for the last couple of years.

LEE
The room went silent. I looked up to see everyone paying more attention to me then they had in my whole pitch. They wanted to know more. Thank god I don't buckle under intense scrutiny. I started riffing, raw thoughts spilling out of my mouth. I barely understood what I was talking about, but they were all nodding, looking over at each other to see if they were all feeling the same way.

LEE
They greenlit my book, the one I just made up, right there in the room. A week later, I had a contract delivered to my apartment.

LEE
Which bring us to now, and helps to explain why I'm speaking all of this into a crappy little recorder, in my car, as I sit in the parking lot of Iron Heights Prison. I'm about to interview Leonard Snart, A.K.A. Captain Cold, who is currently a guest of the state.

LEE
Because we live in a world of capes and cowls, time travel and intergalactic despots. In that room, those 3 short months ago, I asked the question: What is a villain? We have our heroes, cut from similar cloths, but what about their opposites? Who are the people who are labelled evil? What traits do they all share? Has anyone ever asked them how they feel being bad guys? What if someone could go around and interview them, objectively, without any guile or ulterior motive?

LEE
And now that's me. And I'm freaking out. It's taken countless hours, texts, emails, hand written letters just to get this far. I knew I'd be working hard for my book, but I assumed it would be in the deep archives section of the library, or hunched over my laptop at CC Jitters. Not sitting across from a man who has taken down The Flash.

LEE
Melissa, if you are hearing this, consider this my last will and testament. Please take care of my fish. And there's a folder on my computer called Recipes, please delete it immediately.

LEE
OK, here goes. Wish me luck.

Chapter Text

LEE
OK, here goes. Hey everyone. Thanks for checking out the podcast. So if you've been following along, you probably know what's up but for those of you that don't...

LEE
Oh man, this is going terribly. I posted an excerpt from my journal last week. Yes, I journal by speaking, for me it's the only way I'm honest. It's too easy to lie when you're writing.

LEE
Back on track, the podcast, I'm writing a book where I interview supervillains. I know it sounds crazy. I've been at it for a couple of months now and it still sounds crazy. But I'm doing it. The book is called To Prove A Villain, and it's coming out this fall. I'll tell you when once they tell me. The title's a quote from Shakespeare. It was the publishing company's idea. I wanted it to be Talking With Evil, but apparently that's the name of Jack Ryder's next book. So, great minds, right?

LEE
As you can tell, I'm not great at the social media thing. I don't have a Twitter or show up on Facebook. I've been immeresed in academia and that whole movement kind of passed me by. But they say that this is a big thing when it comes to books these days, you can't just sell paper copies, you have to sell the whole package. They wanted to do a real polished version but I insisted I could do it myself.

LEE
And I know, I'm really nailing it. But this is my book and these are my interviews, so this is me, warts and stumbling over words and all.

LEE
But let's get down to business. In order to do a book about villains, you have to go where the villains are: prison. I started writing letters to places like Stryker's Island, Arkham Asylum, Belle Reve. Yeah, I know, but trust me, people are more likely to actually read a letter in the mail where they can't just delete it. It's weird but it works. I also called and emailed but it was a letter that got a response. Take that social media.

LEE
It was the new warden at Iron Heights. They'd gotten a bad rep from their old warden, a Mr. Wolfe, and they were trying to change their image. She thought this might be good PR and it was certainly good for me.

LEE
I put in requests to talk to inmates, I sent messages, gifts, for weeks I came to the prison, day after day, always going home disappointed. But then one day, it all changed. I got a yes. And what a yes it was.

LEE
Leonard Snart, Captain Cold, leader of the Rogues had agreed to a meeting. I couldn't believe it. The prison set up the rules. I could only bring in my recorder, and only once it had been inspected and approved. It's an old analog model, so sorry for the sound quality. And I only had a couple of minutes, they could choose to cut me off whenever they wanted.

LEE
And I think that gets you up to speed. Here's my interview with Captain Cold, straight from Iron Heights prison.

IRON HEIGHTS INTERVIEW ROOM

LEE
Mister Snart, thank you for agreeing to see me.

COLD
What do you want to know?

LEE
Excuse me?

COLD
Look, Miss, while I'd love nothing more than to be out of the stir and chatting with you for an hour, you've been granted all of three minutes, so make the most of them.

LEE
Oh. Yes. Well, I had a whole series of questions about your childhood-

COLD
Not interested. Move on.

LEE
Right, well, then let's get right to it. Why do you do it?

COLD
Do what?

LEE
Commit crimes. Dress up in a parka and shoot a cold gun. Fight the Flash.

COLD
How else should I spend my weekends?

LEE
You're a smart man, Mister Snart. Brilliant, some say, but you still choose to commit crimes. Why?

COLD
Your basic premise is flawed.

LEE
What do you mean?

COLD
For the book- that's what you're writing, correct? A sizzling expose of the worst of humanity. We who revel in evil, villains of the world! Your perspective is incorrect.

LEE
Then enlighten me.

COLD
I expect you had it good. Upstanding parents, quality school, solid grades but never top of your class, had to grab a lot of student loans, which you are still paying off. But overall, things worked out.

LEE
You don't know me.

COLD
I don't need to. I know your type. You think things are fair, the system plays everyone straight. But you're wrong. I'm a bad guy? OK, I'll take that. Because good is defending a system slanted, bent towards the rich and powerful, hording over the poor serfs who do their bidding. Those loans, who do you think you are paying every month? Not the government, but the same people who own the banks I rob, who get fat checks from the insurance company when my rogues and I walk off with a painting.

LEE
So you're a freedom fighter, a Robin Hood for the modern age.

COLD
Robin Hood. Well, he got it half right. No one was ever going to give me anything, the system works for the go along, get along crowd. That would never have been me, regardless of the Cold Gun, or the Flash.

LEE
The family business?

COLD
You're alluding to my father. Maybe. But not in the way you are thinking. My father was a small time crook, always looking for the one big score and spending all that time under the thumb of one lousy crime boss or another.

LEE
But that wasn't going to be you.

COLD
I'm not much of a following orders type. Plus I wanted people to know my name. I know your angle is all about the costumes, the colorful names, but I was already somebody before I put on the parka. You want something to write about, that's a good place to start.

LEE
Mr. Snart-

COLD
It's Leonard. And the appearance of the large uniformed man in the room tells me our time here is just about up.

LEE
About your trial...

COLD
Which one?

LEE
All of them. Every time you've been arrested, you defended yourself, and always pled guilty.

COLD
Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

LEE
They say that if you ask them, prison is full of innocent men. But not you.

COLD
No, not me. If I was stupid or slow enough to get caught, I deserve it. That's not to say I agreed to serve out my whole sentence. And that's our time.

LEE
Please, I have so many questions. Could I meet with you again?

COLD
Sorry, this was a one and done. But I'll tell you what. I'll put a good word in with my sister. Chances are you'll get a much...different set of answers from her. Good day, miss. It's nice to spend time in the presence of a pretty lady, no matter how brief.

Chapter Text

LEE
I don't consider myself a real social person. I've had to give a couple of speeches, mostly to people in my program, but I don't really like it. I know this recording is going out to dozens, maybe hundreds of people, but I can't really think about that without freezing up. I don't know how I'm going to do the book tour like this.

LEE
But I'd need to actually finish the book before I can start selling it. I know I'm rambling, I'll get to the point. Getting Leonard Snart to do an interview was a big get. Since he was the defacto leader of the group, all of whom had so far ignored my requests, I was hoping that Captain Cold would break the ice.

LEE
I heard it after it came out of my mouth. That wasn't intentional. Let's just move on.

LEE
It didn't. It was another week before I got a yes, and just as he had promised, it was with Leonard Snart's sister, Lisa. She sometimes goes by Golden Glider. From her, I learned that I can't always take what these convicts say at face value. I've got to get better at digging deeper, even with the short time I have. Anyway, here's my conversation with Lisa Snart, aka Golden Glider.

Iron Heights Prison Women's Area

LEE
Good morning Miss Snart, I'm-

LISA
What did he say about me?

LEE
What?

LISA
My brother. Leonard. You know: Captain Cold. What did he say?

LEE
Nothing. Not much, just that I should talk to you.

LISA
Typical. It's always about him. So what's your deal? You one of his groupies?

LEE
No. Wait, Captain Cold has groupies?

LISA
Oh yeah, it's weird. They call themselves the Cold-ettes. They write letters, send stuff. I don't get it.

LEE
That's very unusual. Although a certain type of woman can be attracted to what they consider a powerful man. It's the ultimate bad boy, one who's locked up because society can't handle him.

LISA
Like a bit of the rough trade, do ya?

LEE
What, no, this isn't about me. I'm here to learn about you. I asked your brother why he does what he does.

LISA
And he gave you the whole speech about the deck being stacked, that he's trying to rebalance the scales of justice...

LEE
Sounds like you've heard it a time or two.

LISA
Yep. He gives some version of it to all the new recruits. Seems to work.

LEE
But you're not buying it.

LISA
Nope. He gets it from Dad, the speechifying.

LEE
Leonard didn't talk much about his father.

LISA
That, we agree on. Hey, did you ever run a red light?

LEE
Sometimes, sure.

LISA
No, I mean like no one's around, it's way past yellow, and you just say, screw it?

LEE
Maybe.

LISA
Well, take that feeling and triple it and you're close to what it feels like on a heist. That is what you are going to ask me about, right? Why I do it? Why seek out a life of crime?

LEE
I was. So for you, it's the thrill? The adrenaline rush?

LISA
Yeah, it's that, but it's not just that. It's freedom. The idea of the day job, the same dull office, the banter around the coffee pot. Hell no, that was never gonna be me. So what's left? Hooking up with some rich dude? Be arm candy? Pass.

LEE
So you decided to take the easy way out?

LISA
Easy? Are you kidding? Do you know the amount of time and prep it takes to pull off a quality robbery? Especially one of Leonard's plans. Casing the joint, studying the plans, practicing the timing. Plus accounting for the scarlet speedster.

LEE
It ends up being your job.

LISA
Yeah, but like they say, find a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life. I'd be happy to just roll in and see what happens, but that's not Leonard's style. And when you're a Rogue, you follow the Captain's orders.

LEE
How do you like that? You've worked alongside your big brother through most of your...career.

LISA
Yeah, he makes me crazy, but I trust him. He won't screw me over. Can't say the same for a lot of guys, even ones in our own crew.

LEE
I can see your perspective, but why the costumes? The super weapons? If you were just bank robbers, I can't imagine you'd even show up on Flash's radar.

LISA
But that's part of the fun. Don't you get it? This is big league ball. You start out a grunt, a nobody and you work your way up. Now when I show up, they know my name, they scream it in terror. You know the kind of rush that gives you? 'It's Golden Glider! Run!' It's almost better than sex. Almost.

LEE
That brings up another question, you've dated other Rogues. What is it about them that you are attracted to?

LISA
Common interests.

LEE
Come on, that can't be it.

LISA
I don't know what to tell you. It's the life. Those of us on the inside know what it's like. Sure the fans are fun, for a short time, but you don't wanna like plan a future with them, you know? So who is your guy?

LEE
My guy?

LISA
Yeah, your dream villain, the brooding master of darkness that gets your heart pumping.

LEE
Oh, I don't, I really hadn't given in much thought.

LISA
Yeah right. Oh man, we're really out of time? Crap. You got off easy with that one.

LEE
Maybe I did.

LISA
Thanks for the chat though, it was fun. I don't get to do the girl talk thing much. Hey, you got someone to be on the cover of your book yet? I'm just sayin'...

Chapter Text

LEE
The villains that fight the Flash call themselves the Rogues. I'm writing a chapter in the book, To Prove A Villain coming this fall, devoted to how the enemy chooses the hero. The Flash is bright and colorful and easily accessible, and so his Rogues tend to be loud, flashy and egotistical.

LEE
But that's not always the case. Sometimes the people locked up in Iron Heights are not colorful showpeople, quick with a quip and a kill. Once in a while, they are just unlucky people who got chewed up by the gears of fate.

LEE
Do you think Gears of Fate would be a better title than To Prove a Villain? Nah, sounds like a crappy action movie.

LEE
Back to the point, my conversation with Peek A Boo was eye opening in more ways than one. Partially because the interview was conducted in the dark.

Dark room

LEE
Wow, it is dark in here. Hello? Anyone out there?

PEEK
I'm here.

LEE
Whoa!

PEEK
Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I didn't know you were here until you started talking.

LEE
Shawna Baez, you're the one they call Peek A Boo, right?

PEEK
The one and only.

LEE
This'll be new for me, I've never done an interview in the dark.

PEEK
They keep me blindfolded most of the time, so it's nothing new for me. You know about my powers, right?

LEE
I read the report, it's line of sight teleportation, right?

PEEK
That's what they tell me. All I know is where I can see, I can go. So they keep me blind or in the dark. Then I'm a normal person like you.

LEE
I apologize that I'm not as prepared for this interview. Normally, I petition to speak with someone, but you actually asked to see me.

PEEK
I heard about you from Lisa Snart.

LEE
Golden Glider.

PEEK
Yes, they don't like us using our other names inside.

LEE
Why did you want to meet?

PEEK
I heard about what you are doing, your book, your research, and I thought maybe if I helped you out, you might put in a good word with the new warden or maybe the parole board.

LEE
I haven't really spoken with the warden. She signs off of all of my visits, but it's her staff I've been dealing with.

PEEK
Oh.

LEE
But if I do, I'll be sure to mention that you volunteered.

PEEK
Thank you.

LEE
I can already see you're not the same as the other Rogues I've talked to.

PEEK
I'm not a Rogue.

LEE
But you're a, excuse the expression, super villain. You've fought the Flash.

PEEK
That doesn't make you a Rogue. The Rogues are a specific gang, and really choosy about who they let in. You've met Cold, I think you get it.

LEE
I'm starting to. Why did you decide to become a criminal?

PEEK
I didn't. It just happened to me. I wanted to be a doctor, go back to my old neighborhood and open a practice. But then this happened, and that was it. 

LEE
Is it too late? You've got time in here, and even prisoners need doctors.

PEEK
They wouldn't let me. Aside from being a flight risk, my powers make it impossible. Let's say I'm in the middle of delicate procedure and someone bumps me, I'd teleport away and could hurt them. First do no harm, right?

LEE
Is there nothing else?

PEEK
You know, it's funny. When I first got these powers, I thought...

LEE
Thought what?

PEEK
About being a hero. Not like a Superman hero, but a local one. I mean, how great of a paramedic would I make?

LEE
What happened?

PEEK
It all fell apart. My dad got sick, they wouldn't do the transplant and it just went on and on, worse and worse every day. You think you have it all figured out and then poof, your plan, your future, your family, it's all gone.

LEE
And the Flash?

PEEK
Huh. You know, I hated him for a long time. Even when he tried to speak up for me. Only later did I get where he was coming from. I still won't join his fan club, but I think I get it.

LEE
Do you hear that? That buzzing?

PEEK
It's this thing on my arm. Since I'm blindfolded or in the dark most of the time, they put this wristband on me to tell me when they are coming in. They can't exactly flash the lights. I'm guessing we'll have to say goodbye.

LEE
Shawna, it's been nice talking with you. I'm sorry for...well, you know.

PEEK
I do. It's nice to hear from someone on the outside. Wasn't long ago they wouldn't let me talk to anybody.

LEE
If they let you write or anything, you could write to me.

PEEK
They don't, but I appreciate the offer. Hey, and if you talk to the board...

LEE
Nothing but good stuff, I promise.

PEEK
Thank you. Really.

Chapter Text

LEE
I don't get scared easily. My curiosity usually wins that battle. I hear a strange thump, I head out to see what it was. Sure, I'll be carrying a baseball bat, but I'll still go, and spend half an hour trying to determine what made it, never thinking about the axe murderer who might be hiding in the shrubs.

LEE
But this one kinda had me a bit shaken, but part of that is having something right in front of you that you can't believe. I read the news, I watch the same reports as everyone else. I've seen the green skinned aliens floating over Metropolis or the weird winged things that crashed down near Coast City. But on TV, it's no more real than any other show. When you are standing in front of an eight foot giant made of metal, it becomes very real, very fast.

LEE
I managed to keep my cool, I think, but you can judge for yourself. Here's my interview with Tony Woodward, the villain known as Girder.

Iron Heights Motor Pool

LEE
Anthony Woodward, also known as Girder, right? I'm...wow.

TONY
Hey, Wow. Nice to meet ya. Ha! And it's Tony.

LEE
I just...I didn't...

TONY
What, you never seen a guy made of metal before?

LEE
I'm sorry for staring, but no, I haven't.

TONY
I'm used to it. I liked pretty girls looking at me, you know, before, so it's kinda the same thing. I'd shake your hand but...

LEE
But what?

TONY
They didn't tell you? They got this huge magnet under the floor. I can't stand up, can barely move my arms. That's why they have us down here in the basement.

LEE
Yeah, it's pretty cold down here.

TONY
Is it? Temperature's not really a thing for me anymore. It's a, waddayacallit, side effect of my condition.

LEE
Can you still feel anything?

TONY
Oh yeah. It's not the same, I mean I'm frickin' huge now, but it's not like I was doing needlepoint or whatever. The metal's like my skin. Tell you what hurts the most: the rust. It's like an itchy scab all over your body. It sucks.

LEE
Sounds awful.

TONY
You don't know the half of it. Luckily my cage is, like, water tight or something. And they're trying to come up with some sunscreen/rustoleum combo. I'm saying, just put some clear coat on me, maybe I could even get a flame job, whaddya think?

LEE
Would you mind if I got to my questions?

TONY
Hey, fire away, doll.

LEE
What made you decide to turn to a life of crime?

TONY
Turn to? It wasn't like I had a choice. That's what was around for me to do. Hard to see it's bad when all your buddies are doing the same thing. Plus I barely made it through high school, what else was I going to do? Taking that straight job at the steel mill, that didn't work out too good.

LEE
You blame the accident?

TONY
Nah. Truth is, I was about done with those people and their stupid little rules. This is when you eat, this is when you leave, this is when you could take a piss. I'd've been long gone, if it wasn't for that bi- that one lady.

LEE
And now? You're strong, impr-, impos-, inve- What's the word, the one that means hard to hurt?

TONY
You're asking me? Look, do I seem like the hero type? Not in the DNA, or whatever I got now. Plus it's not like I'm the Calculator, I'm the muscle. Well, not really but you know what I mean. Man's got to know his place and my place is standing next to the smart guy, hitting whatever he tells me to hit.

LEE
You don't think you could be more than that?

TONY
What is this? An inspirational speech. Lady, you're a reporter and I'm throwing you gold. I didn't agree to this chat for you to try and head shrink me. Look, I'm big, I'm strong and I like to hit things. That's all I was ever going to be, it's all I ever will be.

LEE
Tony, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

TONY
Yeah, well you did. If you wasn't a hot chick, this conversation would've ended differently. We're done.

LEE
Tony-

TONY
We're done! Get gone.

Chapter Text

LEE
At this point, I was starting to get some momentum. The inmates knew who I was, what I was doing. Word was spreading. Soon, I was starting to get requests to talk to me instead of the other way around. Some of them were from pretty far down the pecking order.

LEE
Oh, I should talk about that. Just like in my conversation with Peek A Book, sorry, Miss Baez, I learned that just because you fight the Flash doesn't mean you are automatically considered a Rogue. I also discovered that there's a pretty complicated heirarchy among these supervillains, and it's important to know where you fall on that spectrum.

LEE
Most of the requests I was getting were from the bottom feeders, the ones you couldn't even find a mention of on Wikipedia. They were trying to build a name for themselves, and that's not the business I wanted to be in.

LEE
I was late at Iron Heights sorting through these requests, some of them quite graphic, when one of the guards I befriended gave me a tip. It seems one of the heavy hitters had just been sent to medical after a...disturbance involving another inmate. If I was quick, I could get a conversation with an actual Rogue. I sprang at the chance.

LEE
And so it was that I was able to get a couple of minutes talking to an injured Mick Rory, the Rogue known as Heat Wave. Unknowingly, he also gave me some real insight into the pecking order of the villain world.

Iron Heights Infirmary

LEE
Mick Rory?

MICK
Yeah, who's asking? You must be that writer girl. I heard you've been skulking around. What do ya want?

LEE
Just to talk.

MICK
I'm not much for conversation.

LEE
I understand. Can I sit here with you for a bit?

MICK
Not like I can stop you.

(beat)

LEE
Can I...

MICK
What.

LEE
Can I ask what happened? How'd you end up getting hurt?

MICK
It was a difference of opinion.

LEE
Really?

MICK
Yeah, I was right, he was nuts. You know him? Lynns?

LEE
I haven't had the pleasure.

MICK
You definitely haven't met him if you think it'd be a pleasure. Garfield Lynns, calls himself the Firefly. Stupid name.

LEE
I think I've heard of him. Isn't he another fire based Rogue?

MICK
He ain't a Rogue, that's for damn sure. He's just in the Heights temporarily before they transfer him back to Gotham.

LEE
Why don't you two get along? You do have something significant in common.

MICK
Lady, if you think we're the same just cause of the fire, you got a lot to learn.

LEE
So teach me.

MICK
That guy's a first class looney tune. For him, it's like a religious experience. He sees visions in the flames or some crap, it's like a holy mission to him. It's creepy.

LEE
And you?

MICK
I have an affinity for fire, sure. In this sick world, it's a pure thing. It exists to transform, to purify, it's an element, a tool, not a god. Oh, it can be fickle, dangerous, but in the right hands, it's power. You know Prometheus?

LEE
Uh, yes, he's on my list.

MICK
No, not the guy with the weird helmet, where he got his name from. Fire was stolen from the gods by this guy Prometheus, and it was so valuable that he's being tortured for all eternity because of it. And this Firefly is looking for messages from the beyond in it. Somebody needed to retune his radio.

LEE
You took it personally.

MICK
When they start talking about us in the same sentence, sure. Look, lady, I might be crazy, but I ain't nuts.

LEE
I'm sorry, but I still don't see the issue. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but don't you both want to see the world in flames.

MICK
It ain't the same. I'm a professional. I've taken my...passion and used it to make something of myself. I'm a god damn Rogue. I have a crew. He's just some maniac flying around setting crap on fire to get calls from his flame spirits. Plus his suit's stupid.

LEE
For a guy who doesn't like to talk, you sure have a lot to say.

MICK
What can I say? You inspire me. And look, here comes the nurse with my night-night drugs. Hey, writer lady?

LEE
Yeah?

MICK
If I make it into your book, don't put in what I said about Prometheus' helmet. That guy scares me.

Chapter Text

LEE
Sometimes you work for weeks to find an interview subject, you email, you call, you send presents, you beg, you lie, you show up on their doorstep unannounced. And tenacity can pay off, all that hard work can land you the big fish.

LEE
Then sometimes, it's just patience and dumb luck. That's how this one came together. I had camped out in Transportation, hoping I'd catch a glimpse of someone. And I did. It's how I got a couple of minutes with Carrie Cutter, who prefers to be known as Cupid.

LEE
But before I play that for you, I needed to talk a bit about mental illness. Up until this point, all the villains I'd spoken to had been criminals. No, that's not right. They'd been people who'd gotten a hold of something or an accident had happened to them and they'd gone down the wrong path because of it.

LEE
That's not the case with Carrie. She's...how do I say this? Her version of reality does not align with my own. Her ideas, her instincts are coming from a completely foreign place. She's what any average doctor would call mentally unbalanced. She's the first madwoman I'd met. And I found her...fascinating.

LEE
She was completely absorbed in this love fantasy she'd created, and had no idea any of the rest of us saw things differently. Her obsession with this man was so absolute, it warped her sense of normality until it broke. I pitied her, but at the same time, I admired her single minded passion.

LEE
Sorry, I kind of wandered there a bit. Here's my interview with Cupid.

Processing

CARRIE
It's Cupid. Spelled C-U-P-I-D.

LEE
Yes, thanks, I know how it's spelled.

CARRIE
Oh! Great! So many people try and spell it with a Q. I hate those people with the stupid spellings of their names. I mean, have you met Chillblaine yet? Like ChillBANE, that's cool, but Chillblaine? Seriously? But the heart wants what it wants, right?

LEE
I guess so, how does that apply?

CARRIE
Chillblaine, that's Golden Glider's beau. She's had like four of them. Got the outfit ready. She found the archetype and they just couldn't measure up. They had to go. Maybe the fifth time will be the charm.

LEE
Wait, she found men, dressed them up in identical clothes, gave them the same name, and then killed them off?

CARRIE
Yep. Well, not all of them, but most of them. Love is strange. You got a fella?

LEE
Me? Oh no. I'm much too busy.

CARRIE
For love? No one should ever be too busy for love. It's the best thing in the world. It makes it all worth while, makes the world go round, without it...I mean, would you even need to be alive?

LEE
I did, I mean I have, I just...we broke up.

CARRIE
He cheat on you? I could talk to him about that.

LEE
No! It wasn't that. We just grew apart, just one of those things. It just didn't work. He...never made me laugh.

CARRIE
Take it from me, with these kind of relationships, you need to try and try and try again, really put yourself out there, show them how far you'd go. That's the way to prove your devotion. What do you look for in a guy? Maybe I could fix you up.

LEE
No, that's fine. I'm too busy for dating.

CARRIE
That's when it's most likely to get you. You're going about your business and then twang! The arrow hits you right in the heart, you can't think straight, all you want to do is be with them, help them, show them you are worthy of their love.

LEE
That...sounds great.

CARRIE
It's FANTASTIC. Though, the hard-to-get game can get really tiring. I know, I know, it's the journey, not the destination, but how many times do I have to show the depth of my affection? It makes me crazy!

LEE
Of course. I can see how that would be upsetting. So let me ask you this, why did you decide to be a villain?

CARRIE
I'm not a villain!

LEE
You've been arrested multiple times. For murder. You're in handcuffs right now.

CARRIE
It's just a misunderstanding. I'm one of the good guys. I serve a higher purpose.

LEE
Love?

CARRIE
Yeah! You get it! Green Arrow loves me, he's grateful for all I've done for him. He's just so tough he has trouble showing it. But I've seen his heart.

LEE
Is that why you got the tattoo?

CARRIE
What tattoo?

LEE
On your...on your chest there.

CARRIE
That? It's not a tattoo. I carved it over my heart with one of his arrowheads. You see? It's romantic.

LEE
It's really something. Does he have one too?

CARRIE
He doesn't. Oh my gosh, I'll have to give him one when he comes to free me. Thanks for the idea.

LEE
That isn't what I meant.

CARRIE
Hey, guys, take your hands off me, I'm not done talking to the lady. If you see Green Arrow tell him I'm here, and that I'm waiting for him! Tell him!

Chapter Text

LEE
This is a bit of a weird one. What I've discovered, and I know I'm not the first to notice this, I've discovered that when you're life changes, dramatically, definitively, you don't really notice it. Your life is on a new course and you didn't even see the exit number.

LEE
Like pizza. I love pizza. Not just like everyone who says, hey wanna get a pizza and you're like sure, whatever. But I LOVE pizza, I need to know crust style, toppings, sauce composition, when someone says, but we had pizza yesterday, I want to punch them in the face.

LEE
I shouldn't record these when I'm hungry, why was I talking about pizza? Oh, right, life changes. I don't remember the first time I had pizza. Not a clue. I know, most of you are saying 'that's because you were just a little kid' but au contraire mon frere, I didn't because...of reasons I do not wish to go into, but it must have been in high school or college and yet, nothing, not an inkling, a day, a month, a year? Nope. But I can't imagine my life without pizza.

LEE
Same thing happened here. I didn't know it at the time, but when I left Central City that day, I would not be going back. My time at Iron Heights was done. But my conversations with supervillains, they were just getting warmed up. It started with me getting lucky.

LEE
No, wait, sorry, bad choice of words. I mean I won. Apparently I had entered a contest, I don't remember actually entering, but I've been known to zone out and get a little click happy on the web. I got an email telling me I'd won a ticket to Metropolis to see GIVE ME LIBERTY!" You know, the hottest musical on the planet right now, the hip hop retelling of the origin story for Miss Liberty, the first female super hero, or super heroine. Uch, that sounds weird, I'm'a stick with first female hero. Bess Lynn, the woman who fought the British alongside Tomahawk and Dan Hunter.

LEE
And I won! I hopped a Rail Whale, which is what they call the Metro Mass Transit System here in Metropolis, saw the show, which was amazing of course, ate at Karl's Pump and Brew, and headed to my room at the Apollo Hotel. I needed to get some work done, so I fired up my laptop and that's when things took a turn for the strange. See if you can make sense of this.

Apartment

LEE
My conversation with Crazy Quilt started out like...no, that's boring. Take two. Getting a disability can affect people in...affect or effect, do you GET a disability? Never mind. Take three. One of the more eccentric villains, Crazy Quilt is...ugh, I'm never going to get through this. How do you say Crazy Quilt without laughing? Why am I even doing this to myself?

BRAINIAC
That was going to be my first question.

LEE
What?

BRAINIAC
Why would someone subject themselves to this type of stress.

LEE
Uch, stupid auto playing ads. Come on, which tab are you hiding in?

BRAINIAC
I am not an advertisement. But I am speaking to you through your computer. It seemed the most efficient, as you spend most of your day on it.

LEE
What is going on right now? Are you hacked into my computer? Are you spying on me?

BRAINIAC
Hacked is such a primative term. I dislike the connotation of spying, I was merely waiting for a moment to get your attention without disrupting your work flow.

LEE
Who are you? Are you with the government?

BRAINIAC
Far from it. My designation is unimportant to our discussion. I come on behalf of my creator. Am I coming through clearly? Your software is fairly primitive when it comes to emulating voices.

LEE
I can understand you, if that's what you mean. And who is your creator? You mean like your father?

BRAINIAC
Inaccurate. Father would imply the presence of a mother and also birth. I had neither, for I am not what you would call human.

LEE
You're an alien.

BRAINIAC
I'm an artifical intelligence, created to assist with high level problem solving.

LEE
I'm a high level problem?

BRAINIAC
This was a point I made as well, but my creator told me that he trusted my judgment in this matter and set me about my task. I'm also monitoring 6 major projects in various stages of development as we speak, so if you worried that this conversation is inhibiting progress, you need not be concerned.

LEE
Thanks for squeezing me in, weird robot voice thing.

BRAINIAC
Of course. Shall we begin?

LEE
We haven't started yet?

BRAINIAC
My creator has been following your work, your conversations with the incarcerated, the notes you've published online. He is most intrigued. He wishes to know what your goal is.

LEE
My goal. I want to get my book published, maybe be able to write another.

BRAINIAC
Ah, so a selfish one. I will file that away.

LEE
Hey, hold on.

BRAINIAC
You have something to add.

LEE
You say that like...I mean, you don't have much in the way of tone, but that sounded a bit judgey. What's wrong with wanting success and a bit of fame?

BRAINIAC
Nothing at all. Let me ask the question this way, what would you like your book's impact on the world to be?

LEE
The impact? I haven't given it much thought.

BRAINIAC
Pity. Thank you for your time.

LEE
Wait, give me a second. I'd hope that it would shed light on these troubled individuals. To show them not as vile criminals, but people who made bad choices, that life treated unfair and they pushed back instead of rolling over. It's not all or nothing, there are some sick people out there, and a couple of real crazies, but some are just unlucky and tried for something more. Their stories are a lot like the heroes, just things didn't go their way.

BRAINIAC
Yes, the heroes. Your book could be a manual for these heroes to be able to defeat their opposites, a guide to the mental states of their foes and how to exploit them.

LEE
Would they do that? I hadn't considered it.

BRAINIAC
Consider it now. If someone from, let's say the Justice League, were to come to you and say, work for us, do this research for us, send your findings only to us, what would be your reply?

LEE
I...I would say no.

BRAINIAC
Even if they offered you a significant sum of money? A sizable nest egg to never show your work to anyone?

LEE
Still no. Money's nice. I hope some makes its way to me, but I think people have a right to know who is behind the colored costumes on the news.

BRAINIAC
Interesting. Your responses have been logged. Thank you for your time.

LEE
What? That's it? What happens now?

BRAINIAC
Now I report my findings back to my creator and he decides whether to meet with you or not.

LEE
But how'd I do? I mean, what is your recommendation going to be?

BRAINIAC
It is my determination, that the two of you are aligned in this area. I believe it would be beneficial to you two to conspire.

LEE
Conspire. That sounds so sinister.

BRAINIAC
Does it? I was unaware. I've updated my files to reflect that. You will receive a call. You will be expected to be at a precise location at a precise time. If you miss this window, the meeting will not be rescheduled. Do you understand these stipulations?

LEE
I do. So who is it? Is it Simon Stagg? No, wait, Ted Kord?

BRAINIAC
I have not been permitted to reveal that information. Keep your phone charged and online at all times. You will be contacted soon. End of line.

LEE
I guess we're done. Note to self: upgrade firewall.

Chapter Text

LEE
If you heard the last episode, you'll have an idea of the weirdness I was feeling. For those just catching up, a robotic voice came over my computer speakers and started giving me a kind of interview. I didn't get a name or a whole lot of specifics, but I got the impression I was speaking to someone, no something, not human.

LEE
And that's a new thing for me. I've never knowingly spoken to a non human. Well, cats and dogs, sure. And my fish. But I don't honestly think they understand me, and I don't expect them to have a full conversation with me about anything. But I was curious. And if I was going to be a journalist, I needed to start acting like one.

LEE
I had some time to kill before the meeting the robo-voice had set up so I went to explore Metropolis. And it's true what they say, it's so clean. Like a model home. I figured they must have a major cleaning crew working all the time. But it's not that. I watched a guy accidentally drop some napkins after buying some street meat. A lady walking the opposite way just leaned down, never breaking stride, swooped up the napkins, walked over like ten feet and threw them away.

LEE
I was stunned. It was like something in the water, like you know how New Yorkers are all supposedly in a hurry, and rude or likely to ignore you. Here, the stereotype, was courtesy, patience and good efficiency. It was starting to freak me out.

LEE
And no, I never saw the flying guy, Metropolis' favorite son, the man of steel. I think I saw the guy in the steel suit, with the cape, what's his name? But it was just for a second and he flew around the side of a building.

LEE
So take all that stuff, and add it together, and that's where my head was at. Then the longest car I'd ever seen pulled up next to me and the door opened. I had about two seconds to wonder how my life had taken me to this point when I knew I had to make sounds like a normal human person. After listening to it, I can't believe I sounded as composed as I did. So listen, but know that inside, I was completely freaking out.

Limo

LEE
You don't mind me recording this, do you?

LUTHOR
Not as long as you don't mind me doing the same.

LEE
Uh, sure. Of course. I've got to say, I didn't expect this.

LUTHOR
Really?

LEE
Yeah, the voice on the computer tells me to be at this corner at this time and I'll be picked up. My reporter's instinct overrode my paranoia. I open the limo door and there's Lex Luthor.

LUTHOR
In the flesh. Mercy, you can proceed. I have a lunch meeting with...a fellow business man, so while we are on the way, I was hoping we could have a chat.

LEE
Of course. Mr. Luthor-

LUTHOR
Please. It's Lex.

LEE
Lex, how do you even know who I am?

LUTHOR
I make it my business to know people on the way up. I've seen your postings. I think what you are doing is admirable.

LEE
Admirable?

LUTHOR
Yes. You are treating these so called supervillains as human beings, as people. Not stereotypes, not criminals, but as misunderstood souls.

LEE
I...wow, thank you mister....Lex. I'm surprised my work interests you.

LUTHOR
I have a special place in my heart for rehabilitation. And I think your work goes toward changing the public consciousness, getting people to think about what damage has been done to these people instead of by them.

LEE
Thank you, Lex. But you want something, right?

LUTHOR
Your generation, so cynical. What I want to do is help you. Central City. Iron Heights. The Rogues. They're very theatrical, and think highly of themselves. But in reality, they are small potatoes.

LEE
Really? There's a pecking order for bad guys?

LUTHOR
Most assuredly. And Metropolis has a higher class of criminal. As you might know, LexCorp won the bid for the refit of Stryker's Island. And since I've been speaking with the Warden on a regular basis, your name came up.

LEE
My name. Came up.

LUTHOR
Without a doubt. The world is a big place, but the group of individuals dedicated to the incarceration of super powered beings isn't. They gossip just like anybody else. You, my dear, are getting good press. And that's not something the prison system is used to.

LEE
So that's it. It's good PR for you.

LUTHOR
It seems like a win-win to me. You get access to more...notorious clientele, helping your book by adding a new level of complexity.

LEE
While you get to be seen as doing more than finding stronger locks on tougher doors.

LUTHOR
I dream of a day we won't need locks at all. Now, do we have a deal?

LEE
All right. I'm in. But where would I even start?

LUTHOR
I've taken the liberty of drawing up a list.

LEE
Ah. I see. These are who you'd like me to talk to. I see a couple of prominent names missing from this list. No Metallo, Bizarro, Parasite.

LUTHOR
All for your protection, I promise. You've only spoken with petty criminals so far. Many of these...creatures would kill you in a second and forget about you just as fast. You may be brave, but bravery won't protect you.

LEE
I appreciate your concern. Once I find a place to crash in Metropolis, I'll let you know.

LUTHOR
I've taken the liberty of booking you a room at one of LexCorp's corporate apartments. We use them for visiting businessmen and dignitaries. Turns out we have a vacancy. Mercy has all the details. I see Chez Joey's just up ahead, so this is where you'll need to step out.

LEE
You know, it's funny. When I first got in, I just assumed...

LUTHOR
Assumed what?

LEE
That you wanted to be in the book.

LUTHOR
And what on earth would I be doing in a book of criminals?

LEE
I...I mean, you and Superman...

LUTHOR
There are men, great men who stand up and say, I've looked at the evidence, I can see what is going to happen. And then there are men, lesser men, who tear down their betters saying, you couldn't, you're wrong, you're evil. We've seen it time and again: Copernicus, Galileo, Descartes, Newton, Halley, Darwin, Hubble. But in the end, all were proven right.

LEE
What's the difference?

LUTHOR
Time. I'm not a supervillain, I'm just further down the road. But you'll all catch up. I hope it's not too late when you do. Good night.

Chapter Text

LEE
Say what you will about Lex Luthor, but he's true to his word. At least as far as our business was concerned. I had a room waiting for me at their corporate apartments, which were fully furnished. It was kind of weird, to be honest. It was like you got to someone's home and they said to let yourself in, so you do and then you are just alone with all of their stuff. The place has stuff, books and food and games, and I guess it's all for you, but I couldn't help like I was just squatting in somebody's place. Is this how coporate people live, like they walk into a prebuilt life and just act like they belong? What does that do to your head?

LEE
But it was very nice. The nicest place I've ever slept in, that's for sure. Even if I kept waiting for someone else to come home and kick me out, like Goldilocks or something.

LEE
The next day, I went to Stryker's Island. Which, no surprise, is an island. I'm not so big on boats, so I was a bit queasy when we landed. The place is big, like Alcatraz, but way taller. And I'm told it goes pretty deep too, but that information was classified. I was there to see a supervillain celebrity.

LEE
I don't know how many of you remember listening to Leslie Willis when she was on the air. I did. I wasn't a avid listener or anything, but she was one of the few people who weren't automatically fawning over the heros. I'd never heard anyone say anything negative about Superman before her. But since her...accident, she'd just become another headline. Someone who had become famous, even infamous, for speaking her mind was now denied an audience. I couldn't wait to hear what she had to say.

Stryker's Island Basement

LEE
Leslie Willis, may I call you Leslie?

LIVEWIRE
No, but you may call me Livewire, because that is my name.

LEE
You don't go by Leslie anymore? Not to anyone?

LIVEWIRE
Nope. Way I figure it, that scared little girl died the night she got struck by lighting. I'm what came after. A beautiful electrified butterfly.

LEE
Is that how you view your accident? Like it was a chrysalis?

LIVEWIRE
Ooh, listen to you, chrysalis. Somebody got some college in her. You want to get all psychoanalytical up in here? OK. Here's how I figure it. You know everything runs on electricity, right?

LEE
Of course.

LIVEWIRE
Including the brain. That means the thing that makes you you, it's just the specific frequency your brain is running at. When I got the big zap, it put my inside on the outside.

LEE
You think it freed your soul?

LIVEWIRE
Yeah, kid! I'm probably the most soulful person you've ever met, I'm a raw nerve.

LEE
Is that what drove you to a life of crime?

LIVEWIRE
A life of crime, listen to you. Energy cannot be contained, it needs to flow free. The doctors say I'm barely human anymore.

LEE
That's not what they said.

LIVEWIRE
Like you know.

LEE
I read your casefile, they gave it to me before this meeting. It says the composition of your body is mostly energy, that doesn't mean you aren't human.

LIVEWIRE
Potato, tomato.

LEE
Let's change the subject. Before your...rebirth, you were very critical of Superman.

LIVEWIRE
Uh-huh.

LEE
You thought he was a fraud.

LIVEWIRE
No, I said he was a phony. That's not the same thing.

LEE
What's the difference?

LIVEWIRE
Listen, of course Big Blue can do all these amazing things. My eyes still work. I was saying no way someone who can do whatever the hell he wants whenever to whomever can just be good. I know people, and that's not what happens when they get all power or money or freedom they want.

LEE
Superman has a dark side?

LIVEWIRE
Yeah, I mean who doesn't? This guy is running around, saving people, helping out, sure. But out of what? The goodness of his heart? Pssh. What I was saying was that it's only a matter of time before he stops giving it away for free and presents us with the bill.

LEE
What you were saying. Has your opinion changed now that you've met him, fought with him? He is the one that put you in here.

(beat)

LIVEWIRE
You know what? Yeah. Turns out the guy is totally legit. He's actually sincere, which is weird by the way. He's not up to no good, just a huge stick in the mud. Somebody needs to lighten that guy up.

LEE
So if you got out...

LIVEWIRE
You mean WHEN I get out.

LEE
Sure. Are you still going to go after Superman? Make his life more interesting?

LIVEWIRE
I don't know. I guess I hadn't really thought about it. Hey, let me ask you something.

LEE
OK.

LIVEWIRE
Is that a Kord 2930 voice recorder?

LEE
No, it's actually the Kord 3001, double the capacity of the 2930. You know it?

LIVEWIRE
Do I know it? Chick, you know in my former life I was in radio. I've done tons of remotes, chasing down some low level politico to get ten good seconds to put on air. So what does it run on, like three triple a's, right?

LEE
Yeah.

LIVEWIRE
Could I see that?

LEE
I shouldn't...

LIVEWIRE
Come on, just between us girls.

LEE
They said I'm not supposed-

LIVEWIRE
Let me just hold it for a second.

LEE
I don't think-

SOUND: zap

Chapter Text

LEE
This is so freaking cool! You know, when I was in Central City, nobody had a clue who I was. I had to explain to each shift that I wasn't a fangirl or a groupie or a paralegal. I spent hours, days, doing nothing and having nothing to show for it. Eating crappy vending food and drinking terrible coffee, hoping that somebody, anybody would give me a hand. So boring.

LEE
Then I came to Metropolis and big daddy Lex Luthor hooked me up. Not only do I have a swanky place in the city, which I'm totally used to now, they even greet me at the door, but I have a laminate with my name on it at Stryker's Island. That's right, real credentials in hard plastic. Man, they know how to treat you right.

LEE
In addition to that, the first episodes of the podcast had been released, am I supposed to say dropped? Is that the right term? But they had started to get some traction. I even started getting fan mail. Me! I mean, a couple of them were really creepy, and most were wish lists of who I should talk to. Sorry, THE-REAL-SKEETS but I don't think I'll be chatting with Gorilla Grodd anytime soon. But keep those email messages flowing, I love to read them. Contact info is on my site.

LEE
My publishers even told me some news outlets had been sniffing around. Mostly small press right now, local and print, but they say that could be just the beginning. I could get on the talk show circuit. Heck, I could even show up on Good Day Metropolis if I played my cards right. Things are looking up.

LEE
But back to the episode at hand. I got a chance to speak with one of the most colorful villains I've met so far. I'm still trying to understand why certain villains always fight the same heroes. This guy is most closely identified with the Flash, but his bio shows that he's fought a wide variety of heroes. It was an encounter with Booster Gold that landed him in Stryker's. Here it is.

Isolation

LEE
James Jesse. Wow, it sounds weird saying it that way. Or do you prefer to be called the Trickster.

JAMES
Either way, call me what you like. What do I care?

LEE
James, then.

JAMES
Great. Hi.

LEE
I'm sorry, but is something wrong?

JAMES
sighs Yeah, I just found out they just wrote the best character out of my favorite show.

LEE
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

JAMES
It's like, what do I have to live for now?

LEE
It can't be that bad, you still have...um...

JAMES
Don't strain yourself, honey. The question was rhetorical.

LEE
Wow, you are not at all like I expected.

JAMES
They said I'd be manic? Bouncing off the walls, giggling like a loon?

LEE
Something like that.

JAMES
Yeah, well, it's an off day.

LEE
What show?

JAMES
Good Day Metropolis.

LEE
Good Day Metropolis? But that's a news show.

JAMES
Oh, you know it! Get this, they decided to write Tana Moon off the show. Can you believe it? Going to WGBS, yeah right.

LEE
That's a news show, it's not a drama. Tana Moon is an entertainment reporter, that's her job. Those are real people.

JAMES
Of course they're real people, otherwise it'd be animated.

LEE
No, I mean, those aren't actors, those are real people. Anchors doing their jobs, reporting the real news of the day.

JAMES
You think the news shows are real? And they say I'm crazy.

LEE
OK. Would it be all right if I asked you a couple of questions?

JAMES
Best ask me quickly before despair does me in!

LEE
I've got to ask, why the costume?

JAMES
To stand out!

LEE
Of course, I mean, it's...very bright. Colorful. Most of the villains stick with one or two colors, but you-

JAMES
I've got them all! I'm not quite Rainbow Raider, but I'm up there.

LEE
So why such an, I hope I don't offend you, outlandish costume.

JAMES
It's been a long time since anyone cared about offending me. The main reason is because it's ugly! It's hideous! An affront to the eye! It's not even clown worthy.

LEE
You clearly spent a lot of time working on it, why make it so audacious?

JAMES
Because that's the gag! Look at...um, who's the angry guy with the teleporting guns...Bloodsport! This dude is decked out in camoflague, in the middle of the city mind you, bandana, huge...compensation package,everything screaming I AM MANLY MAN, WATCH ME PEE ON EVERYTHING!

LEE
Ha!

JAMES
So of course big blue flies in, defeats him, hooray the crazy soldier guy is defeated, big Jimmy Olsen original above the fold of those rippling pectorals. But me, I'm a joke! I'm in ugly clothes, throwing yo yos, making terrible puns that everyone hates.

LEE
I really like puns.

JAMES
Me too! But the heroes hate them, especially the Bat. The point, and I do have one, the point is I don't make sense! I'm silly, unpredictable, but a legitimate threat. And they can't stand it!

LEE
But why do it this way? Wouldn't you be a more successful criminal if you were serious about it?

JAMES
You've given me some solid advice on how to be a better bad guy, I'll dedicate my next crime spree to you!

LEE
No, that's not what I meant! Please don't!

JAMES
Ha! Only fooling! Listen, I do what I do the way I do it not because of a compulstion or a clown once stole my lunch money. I don't do things the easy way because it's the easy way. Defeating the Flash with super speed? Yawn. But stopping him with a bag full of marbles and a dance ribbon. Now that's impossible. But I did it. It makes the crazy how I can pull this off. And that's the trick!

LEE
Wow. Can I just say, your mood seems to have turned around.

JAMES
Huh, so it has. You've got a real knack for this listening business, sweetie. You should think about doing this for a living.

LEE
I am, that's what I'm doing.

JAMES
Are you going to be...a journalist?

LEE
Maybe. An author first, but after that who knows? Why?

JAMES
Do you think you could introduce me to Tana Moon?

Chapter Text

LEE
I've been wondering, and writing about, why someone would fight Superman. I'll have a whole chapter about it in my book, To Prove A Villain, coming to finer book stores this fall, but it's a deep question.

LEE
In talking to Livewire, I've found Big Blue is not as universally beloved as I had believed. Certainly here in Metropolis, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone with a bad thing to say about him. No one seems to blame him for the attacks that damage the city or cause traffic jams. To the people of Metropolis, these battles are like the heat to the residents of Phoenix, they just learn to live with it.

LEE
And with all his abilities, you'd have to be crazy to go up against him. I didn't know how right I was. I'm not sure what to say to this to prepare you. I certainly wasn't ready for what happened to me. The best way I can describe it is a really bad date.

LEE
You know when you go out with someone for the very first time, and it's all awkward, but then you fall in to a groove and then it's all going well, and you get that fizzy feeling in your stomach like this could really be something and then it turns, you find out something, like he thinks the moon landing was faked. And then you realize things were not like you expected and there's no easy way out of this.

LEE
Take that feeling and add in mortal peril and you'll get an idea of what this was like. Never judge a villain by his name. Here's my interview with Toyman.

Solitary Confinement

LEE
Winslow Schott, or do you-

WINSLOW
I like your pin.

LEE
Do you prefer- What did you say?

WINSLOW
Your pin. The one on your bag. I like it.

LEE
That? Oh, that's-

WINSLOW
Wendy Wuzzle. I know.

LEE
Yeah, how did you know that? No one recognizes it.

WINSLOW
I'd be a terrible father if I didn't recognize my own child.

LEE
You? You invented Wendy Wuzzle? Really?

WINSLOW
Oh yes, I named her after the first girl I had a crush on in grade school. The Wendy part, not the Wuzzle.

LEE
No, no way, I mean, I'm sorry but that was my favorite toy when I was a kid. But it came from LexCo.

WINSLOW
Yes. It did. Eventually.

LEE
Right. Sorry, I'm off track. Do you prefer-

WINSLOW
Winslow is fine. I'm not like one of those lunatics who hide behind a fancy name. I'm just plain old Winslow. It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

LEE
You too, Winslow. You seem like an...easygoing person. What landed you in solitary confinement?

WINSLOW
Prison is not an easy place for those of us with a delicate constitution. Some of the inmates see my slight frame, my glasses and try to bully me. Lessons must be taught, just for piece of mind you see.

LEE
I see that here, it says you got a hold of a guards radio and managed to convert it into a crow that sprayed bleach in several inmates faces.

WINSLOW
It was a raven.

LEE
Excuse me.

WINSLOW
It was a raven. It flew into their cell, sprayed it in their faces, then they heard my voice saying, nevermore. Do you see? Do you understand?

LEE
I think so, yes.

WINSLOW
I took no joy in it. But if you don't stand up for yourself, well, where would you be?

LEE
Is that why you decided to do what you did? After LexCo took over your company and all your patents, your inventions? People say you went a little crazy.

WINSLOW
I don't think that...yes yes I know, will you shush?

LEE
Winslow?

WINSLOW
Not you dear, I was talking to...I mean, I thought I heard something, you were asking me about my work?

LEE
In a way. After your company was bought out, you turned to revenge, making toys that hurt. Why did you decide to become a villain?

WINSLOW
A villain? Is that what they think about me? Then what does that make Lex Luthor? A man who takes, who lies, who steals, a man who destroys other peoples work, their life's dream?

LEE
You're saying it's Lex Luthor's fault that you are in here?

WINSLOW
All I wanted to do was make toys. Ever since I was a child. And I was good at it. I still am. My quiet little company, hurting no one. And then he came along. Lex. With his money and his promises, then his lawyers and his laugh. That damned laugh. No, shut up. SHUT UP!

LEE
I didn't say anything!

WINSLOW
Not you, her. I know. I know! I wasn't going to. Why would you say that? I'm trying to explain!

LEE
Winslow, what's going on?

WINSLOW
It's my mother. She doesn't like you. She doesn't like these questions you are asking. I'm so sorry.

LEE
No, Winslow, it's fine-

WINSLOW
SHUT UP! I'm taking care of it! I'm a man, mother. This is what men do. We take care of things! I will. I WILL.

LEE
I think I'd better go.

WINSLOW
What? No. Stay. Please. She gets in a state some of the time. You know how mothers can be.

LEE
Sure. Sure. But it looks like our time is up.

WINSLOW
Oh. That's a shame. But I understand. Miss, when you come back, could you bring the Wendy Wuzzle doll with you? I'd love to see her again.

Chapter Text

LEE
I've hit a lull. Things had been going pretty good, and then it kind of plateaued. I'm still getting some fan mail, but about the same amount, maybe less. I appreciate all of you, I just kinda wish there were more of you. Is that greedy of me? I don't know.

LEE
The press interest has dried up a bit too. I'd like to say I was the flavor of the week, but it didn't feel like a week. Part of the problem, it turns out, is Metropolis.

LEE
Don't get me wrong, I've loved my time there. But as you are hearing this, I've moved on. It turns out that Superman's villains are just not as...exciting? People just aren't interested in hearing me talk to the Prankster. I'm just gonna keep that one on the hard drive. I have a hard time gaging who are the popular villains. I see some names in the press more than others, but I figured one baddie's just as bad as another, it's not like I have a favorite or a wish list. Do supervillains have a Q score?

LEE
But all is not lost, I got a lead. One of the guards from Iron Heights stayed in touch with me. I think he's kinda sweet on me, to be honest. But he just got a promotion and he's now working at Blackgate prison. In Gotham. That's right, I'm heading to ground zero for the most infamous villains of all time.

LEE
And I'm taking the bus there. So my advance is running low and I didn't have much in the way of savings, so I'm having to scrape by for the time being. What you are going to hear happened on our overnight stop in Hub City. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it, but I wanted you to hear it, maybe one of you can give me some insight as to who...or what...decided to question me that night.

Library

LEE
Almost finished. Let's see, 52 down, "this test is never spotless." Huh. Pregnancy? No. Hmm...

VIC
It's Rorschach.

LEE
Oh, thanks Mister. That's- OH MY GOD.

VIC
Is there a problem?

LEE
Your face...it's...gone.

VIC
I'm here to ask you a question.

LEE
Right, of course, just give me a second.

VIC
If you're fishing for your mace, don't bother. I've already got it.

LEE
You do? No, I wasn't.

VIC
Ah, then it's likely you were going for this.

LEE
My recorder, yes.

VIC
Nice model, easy to turn on without attracting much attention. Might have to look into one for myself. Here you go. I've taken the liberty of starting the recording for you.

LEE
Thanks. Why did you-

VIC
Ah ah. Today it's you who'll be providing the answers. I know who you are. And I know what you're doing.

LEE
It's always nice to meet a fan.

VIC
I'm sure it is. But I need to know why it is you are doing what you are doing.

LEE
If you've been following along, you already know that.

VIC
I've heard the party line: the failed book pitch, the hail mary idea. And that got you in the room. And you've met some of the more colorful of that crowd, and now a few of the darker ones. Yet you keep coming back. Why?

LEE
The book.

VIC
No.

LEE
What?

VIC
No, that's not it. There are far easy ways to make money, or to get famous. You've taken the harder road for both. And the more dangerous route.

LEE
I want to know.

VIC
To know?

LEE
Yes, it started out as just a way to make my name, to get published, but now I'm really curious. And I don't think anyone's ever asked these people these questions. I know it can be dangerous, but it also feels, I don't know, important?

VIC
Hrm.

LEE
Was that the right answer?

VIC
It wasn't the wrong one.

LEE
What's going to happen now?

VIC
We're going to part ways, but only after you've heard me. Is the recorder still running?

LEE
Of course.

VIC
Good, then you can listen to this later. Two things to think about. First, you've met the egotists, the day players, some of the peacocks among them. But these waters you are in run deep, and the deeper you go, the better chance you have of running across a shark. They won't be as chatty and might just take your tongue as punishment for asking questions they don't want to answer.

LEE
That sounds like the voice of experience.

VIC
I've had conversations, the memory of which wakes me up screaming.

LEE
And the second thing.

VIC
Do you know Nietzsche?

LEE
No, is she a new villain? What's her power?

VIC
Friedrich Nietzsche, the German philosopher. He once wrote: Und wenn du lange in einen Abgrund blickst, blickt der Abgrund auch in dich hinein.

LEE
Translation?

VIC
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

LEE
What's that supposed to mean?

VIC
You are walking among the mad. Make sure you are only there as a tourist, this land is not a place where you want to become a local.

LEE
Thanks for the advice.

VIC
I hope you're paying attention. If you find yourself up the proverbial creek, here's my card.

LEE
A blank card, I don't get it. Hey, where'd he go? Mister faceless guy? Hello? Now there's something on the card, a question mark. That's weird. OK, I need to get someplace where there are lots and lots of people.

Chapter Text

LEE
You get an idea built up in your head before you travel. Miami is going to be hot, Coast City is going to be beautiful, stuff like that. And everyone has an idea of Gotham City. Turns out they are all true. It's awful here. It's like the architects designed the sidewalks to always be in shadows. Even with the cloud cover, which seldom seems to break, or maybe that's the smog, even walking from block to block, you spend it in the shadows. I've only been here a couple of days and I hate it.

LEE
But you go to where the work is, and Gotham breeds crazies. Sorry if that's not a nice word, but I'm not in the mood to make nice with people's feelings. The people of Gotham certainly don't care. There's a lot of people that live here. I don't know what the current population is, but it's in the millions. You walk down a street in New York and it's wall to wall people all pretending that you are not standing six inches from them. In Gotham, everyone gives each other a wide berth. It's like they all have a territorial bubble around them and you don't violate it.

LEE
And they hustle. There's no sight seeing on the sidewalks of Gotham. People scurry from building to building, and no one talks to strangers. They barely chat with their coworkers. I'm feeling more alone in the crowd than every before. But maybe it's just the city getting to me. And managing my disappointment.

LEE
That guy? The guard I told you about, who transferred to Blackgate. Yeah, turns out he oversold his influence. He couldn't actually get me in to Blackgate, not even to the waiting room. Turns out they are a little paranoid about reporters there. Something happened, they call it the Ryder Incident but won't elaborate. So I'm out of luck there.

LEE
But that guy has a friend, which I'm learning is how these things work, and he works in the Morgue at the GCPD HQ, which is where the MCU is located. All these acronyms, get to ICU ASAP PDQ! They have a more open policy when it comes to reporters. Which means, they can be bribed to ignore you. Yes, the dollar is still almighty amongst Gotham's Finest. But the first night, my money was well spent, as I got some face time with one of the most famous, and not homicidal, villains in the city.

Transport

LEE
I cannot believe my luck!

SELINA
That makes one of us.

LEE
You're Selina Kyle, the Catwoman.

SELINA
It's just Catwoman, add 'the' and it just sounds pretenious.

LEE
I can't believe you're here, I never thought I'd get a chance to talk to you.

SELINA
It's a dream come true for both of us.

LEE
Could I ask you a couple of questions?

SELINA
Seeing as I'm chained to this wall until those large Italian men finish chatting with those larger Gotham blue boys, I don't see how I can stop you.

LEE
Italians? What's going on?

SELINA
A bit of diplomacy. Seems I made some enemies last time I was in Rome, a small disagreement that appears to have followed me back home.

LEE
A little he said, she said.

SELINA
Yeah, he said "hey, come back here with that necklace" and she said, "later, sucker!"

LEE
I'm writing a book.

SELINA
Good for you, send me a copy.

LEE
I will! It's about supervillains.

SELINA
Really? What's your angle? Is there a ranking? Am I winning?

LEE
No, it's more a series of conversations, why they...well, you, do what you do.

SELINA
Huh. How's it going so far?

LEE
Pretty good, it's taken me all the way here to Gotham.

SELINA
How lucky you are.

LEE
So, what made you choose a life of crime?

SELINA
sighs I suppose since I'm not going anywhere. It's because of an apology.

LEE
An apology?

SELINA
Yep. You see, I'm tall, tall for a girl they say. Always have been, sometime before puberty I started apologizing for it. Sorry I have to duck in the doorway, sorry my clothes are too big for you to borrow, sorry, sorry, sorry.

LEE
I get it. Oh, sorry for interrupting.

SELINA
Funny, kid. Then one day I'm working a straight job, and this guy, this middle management prick bumps into me, spilling coffee all over me. So I did what anyone would do in that situation.

LEE
You snapped.

SELINA
I apologized. To this guy. For him spilling coffee all over me. That night, as I stood over the sink trying to get out the stain, my hands red and raw, I stopped and thought, why? Why the hell was I apologizing for anything, for everything?

LEE
Why should you?

SELINA
That's easy for you to say, but right then and there, I stopped. Stopped apologizing for being smart, or tall, or pretty. For being able to do a back bend from a standing position. That's when I stopped hiding.

LEE
Hiding what?

SELINA
Who I was, what I could do. I worked hard on my body, why was I hiding it under cartigans and prairie skirts? I could type faster than anyone in that office, run faster, and certainly move money around.

LEE
And that's when you turned to crime?

SELINA
You make it sound so...binary. I found out what I was good at and decided I wanted to do it as much as I could. It's no different than a basketball player or a tailor. I had a calling. It's just that my calling wasn't exactly legal.

LEE
Did you feel bad the first time you stole something?

SELINA
Yes, but not in the way you think. I felt bad because I had been waisting half my life on pretending, apologizing. I know I have a rep, I get lumped in with the lunatics up in Arkham just because of Gotham, because of him.

LEE
Him. The Batman.

SELINA
There's that pretentious THE again. Yeah. Him. But beyond him, past all that stuff, I'm an exceptional thief, I was born to it, it's my thing. I get in over my head, roughed up, but I never regret a second of it.

LEE
And you never apologize.

SELINA
Now you're getting it. How about you?

LEE
Me? What about me?

SELINA
Is this your thing? Asking questions of lost souls, writing down their sad and tawdry answers?

LEE
I...I don't know. I like it, it's what's working now.

SELINA
Then it's not your calling. When you were a little girl, dreaming big, before stupid men and stupider reality crushed them, what was your future going to be?

LEE
You'll think it's dumb.

SELINA
You see these cuffs? Who am I to judge?

LEE
I...I wanted to get married. I figured I'd go to college, meet a great, smart, cute guy on his way up and I'd be his wife.

SELINA
White picket fences, brood of kids. Huh. You don't seem like the sort. What happened?

LEE
He never showed up. A bunch of auditions, but no starring role. I found stuff I liked, stuff I was good at, but I was always just marking time until Cupid found me. Real Cupid, not Green Arrow loving Cupid.

SELINA
Yeah, she's a piece of work. Looks like international relations have worked out, so I'm gonna have to go but listen to me, you're not offstage waiting for your cue. The spotlight's on you now, time to show the world you're better than his last name. Go do something crazy and make him wonder if he's man enough for you.

LEE
Thanks, Miss Kyle.

SELINA
Two last pieces of advice, girl. One, never apologize.

LEE
And two.

SELINA
You want to find a quality guy, get the hell out of Gotham City.

Chapter Text

LEE
My hotel room got broken into. Twice in one week. Luckily, I don't have anything worth stealing. Anything worth anything is on my person at all times. Mama didn't raise no fool. But it's still a violation. The first time was terrible, all my stuff was thrown all over the room, clothes torn. I get that you're frustrated, Mister Robber dude, but did you need to be a jerk about it?

LEE
But the second time was worse. I came back from another fruitless fishing expedition, to find that everything in the place had been cleaned and organized. Maybe it was the maid, you say. Yeah, the maid wouldn't organize everything I own alphabetically, and by color. Super. Creepy. I can't even remember the last time I've been home. Is it even my home anymore? What was the name of my fish?

LEE
Sorry, I'm babbling. I'm so tired. Seems all the excitement, meaning when the supervillains are being arrested and brought in, happens at night. That means I'm now on the night shift. I'm fine being awake all night, for whatever reason, but it's the waking up when the sun goes down thing that my body hates. Which is when I have time to record these.

LEE
But at least I get to see the sunshine everyday. Unlike this next interviewee. I don't follow Gotham news in my normal life, but sometimes the local news becomes national news. Last year, there was a major supervillain incident and it looked like the Batman might have been killed. It all got resolved, but for a time, it appeared this one bad guy had won and nobody knew who he was.

LEE
Even more mysterious was what happened to him afterward. I got to chatting with some of the local cops and after agreeing to dinner, which for them means breakfast, with some guy named Corrigan, I found out that this guy, Bane, was still there in Gotham, locked up in the basement. And I could talk to him, but just while shift change was going on. This is my interview with a man in a box.

The Box

LEE
Um, hello? Are you in there? Are you...awake?

BANE
I am.

LEE
Hello, Mister Bane. Do you have another name you go by?

BANE
I am Bane.

LEE
I don't mean to bother you, but I was wondering if I could talk to you.

BANE
You are a reporter. I do not speak with reporters.

LEE
I'm not, not really. I'm writing a book you see.

BANE
Not interested.

LEE
It's about supervillains, the people who fight with the heroes. I'm trying to learn more about them, to learn why they do what they do.

BANE
You study your opponents to learn to defeat them.

LEE
Not exactly.

BANE
I can understand this. But I will not be defeated so easily.

LEE
I don't want to make you angry, but haven't you already been defeated? I mean, you are strapped down inside of a metal cage under a police station.

BANE
You assume that I am here against my will. Your beliefs, and theirs, serve me well.

LEE
OK, I'll bite, if you are here by choice, if you could escape any time you wanted to, why haven't you?

BANE
I am thinking.

LEE
You could think anywhere.

BANE
This is better. Here the day to day is taken care of by others, they tell me when to eat, to sleep, they clean me. I need not worry about these things. My mind can be on other things.

LEE
So this is like a spa to you?

BANE
I do not know this word, but your context makes it seem like a relaxing thing, so yes. Compared to what I have endured, this place is a paradise.

LEE
The news says you were raised in prison.

BANE
I was born there, my mother died inside the walls.

LEE
That's terrible.

BANE
So you say. It is what I have always known. Life is brutal, unforgiving, to deny this is to lie to yourself. These others, the super villains, do they lie?

LEE
Some of them, yes.

BANE
Bane does not lie. What I say, I do. What I want, I take. These others are weak.

LEE
You did seem to come out of nowhere. All of these adversaries and you show up and take over Gotham's underworld, and nearly beat the Batman.

BANE
I did beat the Batman! He was broken. The city was mine, I conquered it as I had my prison home.

LEE
But it didn't stay that way.

BANE
The Bat, he is made of stronger stuff than I had anticipated. And this city, it is stranger. Perhaps the two were made for each other. This is one of the things I think about.

LEE
Do you know why you are down here, chained up like this?

BANE
These men, they do not know what to do with a force like Bane. I am not insane, so they don't send me to the crazy house. I am not a citizen, so they do not know if they can put me in their jail. So they argue, they bicker, like children. And I wait. And I think.

LEE
Which would you prefer them to do?

BANE
No man will tell Bane what he cannot do.

LEE
Can I ask you about the Venom?

BANE
You may.

LEE
They say it's like a super steroid, that it made you stronger.

BANE
Do they think I broke the Bat because of the Venom?

LEE
Some do, yes.

BANE
Good. The Venom was my curse and my blessing. The doctors in Santa Prisca were using my fellow inmates as test subjects. I would not allow this to continue, to make us smaller in order to make their men greater? No. Bane would be the final subject. I would be strong.

LEE
And were you?

BANE
To survive their experiments, and teach them the folly of thinking of us as rats, I was.

LEE
Now you are off the Venom, are you feeling the withdrawal?

BANE
This pain? A small thing. I have known greater hurts.

LEE
Such as?

BANE
Lack of purpose. Life is a series of challenges, there is always the next greater foe to destroy. From the strongest prisoner, the cruelest guard, each one must be conquered. This lead me to Gotham. I heard of this Bat, the man who stood against the madness of the city. I knew if I defeated him, I would truly be the greatest.

LEE
And you did.

BANE
And I did. For a time. Now that moment is over, and it was not as I had dreamed. After one has been to the top of the mountain, what is beyond? This is what I think about.

LEE
You are not the thug I had taken you for.

BANE
Reporter girl, come closer.

LEE
Yes?

BANE
You find Bane in a quiet moment. I know you will report this to the outside world. It is what you do.

LEE
It is.

BANE
If I discover that you say Bane is weak, that Bane is stupid, that anyone could defeat him now...

LEE
I would never do that.

BANE
If you do, I will find you. No matter where you may hide. And your death will be painful, prolonged and public. Do you doubt the word of Bane?

LEE
You never lie.

BANE
Smart. Smart girl. Leave this place, I am done trading words with you.

Chapter Text

LEE
Gotham cops are a strange lot. I've been hanging out around various levels of law enforcement for the last few months, so I feel like I've gotten a, waddaycallit, baseline on normal cop behavior. But everything is different in Gotham City.

LEE
For one thing, they hate the quiet. When things hit the fan, and they do on a regular basis, they are a formidable force, all shoulder to shoulder and helping each other out, brutal efficiency. But when it gets idle, they get super tense. I saw a rookie get chewed out in the bullpen for fifteen minutes. Why? Because he dropped a coffee mug. He had six guns pulled on him in less than a second. So, yeah, it gets extreme real quick.

LEE
Way back in Central City, I learned that there really was a kind of honor among thieves. They looked after each other and took sides against outsiders, more like the gangs of old New York. Not in Gotham. It's every villain for themselves. I haven't met enough to figure out the party lines, but from what the cops say, they hate each other. When they get brought in, they need to be kept seperate or they won't stop going after each other. Team ups are extremely rare, and rarely end well for anyone involved.

LEE
Which brings me to tonight's incident. Things were going nuts, which I learned was a good thing. Some guy named Anarky had started a riot at a local college, so they were bringing in all kinds of beat up, angry GCU students. In the middle of that, I found out that one villain had stolen from another and that both of them were in the building. So here's part one, my conversation with the vic, and next time, you'll hear part two with the perp. See, I'm picking up the cop talk.

Bullpen

OSWALD
Come here, my dear, sit down. I understand you wished to speak with me.

LEE
Mr. Cobblepot, hello. I did, but I didn't expect to find you here.

OSWALD
Worry not that pretty head of yours. I haven't been arrested, merely trying to reclaim some stolen property.

LEE
Someone stole from you?

OSWALD
Shocking, is it not? The state of the city these days. Criminals running rampant.

LEE
Who would steal from the Penguin? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-

OSWALD
Tut tut. My unfortunate sobriquet is something I've learned to live with it. It was my discomfort with it that gave my childhood tormentors the power, you see. Once I claimed the title for my own, they could no longer use it to hurt me. There are far worse birds out there to be named for.

LEE
Like what?

OSWALD
The blue footed booby comes to mind. Aside from their ridiculous title, by today's standards that is, they tend to be a bit brutal. Or worse, I could have been the Kakapo!

LEE
What is a kakapo?

OSWALD
Marvelous bird, but one of the stranger of its species. Sometimes known as the owl parrot, some scientists say the mating call of the kakapo has been known to actually repel the female of the species. Can you imagine?

LEE
I can. Sometimes I feel like I've been sending out that vibe.

OSWALD
Come now, look at yourself. Of the two of us, who do you suppose has spend more Saturday nights alone? Hmm?

LEE
Let's circle back, who would try to rob you?

OSWALD
Not tried, succeeded! Her name is Margaret Pye, do you know her?

LEE
I don't.

OSWALD
Sometimes known as the Magpie, she has a penchant for shiny things, often ones that don't belong to her. She's around here someplace, I'm sure if you bat those long eyelashes, you might be able to gain a palaver. But that's for later, let's talk about you.

LEE
Actually, I'd rather talk about you.

OSWALD
My favorite subject! Where shall we begin?

LEE
I...um...I don't know how to start.

OSWALD
As my sometime friend Jervis Tetch would say, begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end: then stop.

LEE
It's just, my usual first question is why did you choose a life of crime?

OSWALD
Ah, I see, and you worry about offending a modest, sensible, upright, straight and narrow businessman such as myself.

LEE
Yeah, I guess I kinda did.

OSWALD
Worry not, my pet. How shall I say this, being that we are currently surrounded by the constabulary. People need things, would you agree?

LEE
Of course.

OSWALD
And many times, they cannot get these things for themselves. So they rely on people to get these things for them, these are the middlemen, those who know about things and how to get them, and who take a modest cut of the proceedings, just to make their ends meet, the better to provide more services for more people. Are you following me?

LEE
I am, and I wish I'd had you for Economics in college.

OSWALD
Now, sometimes the things people want, that they desperately need, are not exactly legal. This is where things get tense. Because, you see, laws can change, politicians can be mercurial and the public consciousness can shift. Once, bananas were contraband. Can you imagine? Same thing for coffee. But times change, laws change, politicians change, and what doesn't change?

LEE
The wanting.

OSWALD
Exactly! Gold star for you. By definition, I am a criminal, but I tend to think I serve a higher purpose, getting people what they want.

LEE
With a bit left over for yourself.

OSWALD
Now you're getting it. Nothing gets you nothing, sweet.

LEE
You are not what I expected, Mr. Cobblepot.

OSWALD
Please, call me Oswald. But I see a man in a very cheap suit trying to gain my attention, it seems business is calling me away. Feel free to swing by the Iceberg Lounge if you have any follow up questions. It would also be an ideal location for a book launch party. I think I can cut you a deal. I hear the owner's a real pushover for a pretty face.

LEE
Thank you, Oswald. Good luck in your business.

OSWALD
And while you are in Gotham, and you need something, you know who to ask. Au revoir.

Chapter Text

LEE
I'm learning a lot about Gotham. And I'm not liking what I'm learning. I've written about the pecking order before, that there are definite tiers of these villains, and that only a very few become famous enough to be called supervillains. Gotham is a bit more extreme in that regard. The Rogues that fight the Flash have their own fans, they play to the crowd. In Gotham, it's all about the Bat.

LEE
That's what most of them call him, the Bat. And it's always said quietly, and seriously. That whole, ha ha guy who dresses up like a bat! thing, you don't do that in Gotham, and not in the GCPD. For a low level criminal, getting a job with a supervillain can be incredible lucrative, like one job can set you up for years, but it's like the guy who feeds sharks by hand. Most of the time, it's great, but it's that one in a hundred chance, that's what gets you.

LEE
Death by your boss is pretty common, or if the Bat catches them, it's a quick trip to Gotham General followed by a long stay in Blackgate. Hopefully, you only have scars. Lots of the low level baddies who are trying to make a name for themselves, like The Cavalier or Ratcatcher, they define themselves by how much attention they can get from the Bat. But there are a few others who like the fame, but would prefer not to get his attention. That's what we have tonight. As I mentioned last time, the Penguin got robbed by another supervillain, one I wasn't incredible familiar with. But I felt a bit of kinship with this one, and she told me about another side of Gotham City that I'd barely begun to think about.

BOOKING

LEE
Margaret Pye?

MAGGIE
It's Maggie.

LEE
OK, great. Guess you're having a pretty rough time.

MAGGIE
You know what the worst part is? This is going to be the highlight of my day.

LEE
Really? Being arrested?

MAGGIE
Yeah. Imagine that. I started the day being roughed up by Penguin's goons. I mean, I get it, but it still sucked. That ended with me being arrested, and thus rescued, by Gotham's finest.

LEE
And that's the highlight?

MAGGIE
Where I'm going? Yes.

LEE
You mean jail?

MAGGIE
No, jail would be fine. I mean Arkham.

LEE
They're sending you to Arkham Asylum?

MAGGIE
Yeah. Not going to get much sleep tonight.

LEE
But why? I mean, you don't seem crazy.

MAGGIE
I could say the craziest ones never do. But I have a compulsion, kleptomania in the language of the ever loving Greeks. That gets me classified as an L7 in Gotham.

LEE
I haven't heard that before, an L7.

MAGGIE
Gotham is a high crime zone, lots of arrests, lots of bookings. They needed to come up with a way to classify criminals quickly, to know the goons from the henchmen from the real psychopaths. They developed a system to quickly identify them so they'd know if they needed beat cops, SWAT, Major Crimes or the wacko wagon.

LEE
That seems close to profiling.

MAGGIE
More like the Scarlet Letter. Once you are classified as L7, if you get picked up, they take you immediately up the hill. And as far as I know, it's almost impossible to get it removed. Of course, some of the psychos see it as a badge of honor. Weirdos.

LEE
It's unfair.

MAGGIE
Not a lot of people fighting for the rights of killers and psychopaths. It's just...we're not all the Joker, right? Now they're putting me down the hall from him.

LEE
Have you...did you meet him?

MAGGIE
I've had the unfortunate pleasure, yes. They decided to do a group therapy session, co-ed even.

LEE
How did that go?

MAGGIE
Lasted all of one session. Poor Film Freak cut his ears off that night.

LEE
Whoa.

MAGGIE
My grandma had the sight, you know what I mean?

LEE
She was psychic.

MAGGIE
She wouldn't put it that way, but yeah, she saw things. She knew when a visitor was coming or when bad news was on its way. I feel like I got a little of it.

LEE
Really?

MAGGIE
Yeah, maybe. I keep having this dream where I go into Arkham but I don't come out. I'm sure it's just a nightmare, stress dream, whatever. But it's always the same and I always remember it.

LEE
That's terrible.

MAGGIE
I've got a feeling about you too. If you're going to listen to anyone, listen to me. You think you want to go there, but you don't. Arkham changes you, and never for the good. Quit while you're ahead.

LEE
Thanks for your concern.

MAGGIE
But you're a big girl, you can handle yourself. Right. Hey, if you go up the hill, maybe stop by and say hello. We don't get a lot of visitors.

LEE
Sure, I'll do that.

MAGGIE
And wear something shiny.

Chapter Text

LEE
Gotham City is all about the Batman, the two are interconnected. And no, I haven't seen him. Most of the cops haven't either. For them, it's like a black cat crossing your path. If you see him, it's bad luck, and your night is going to suck.

LEE
But he's not alone. Aside from the Batman, there are a number of other heroes that are trying to keep Gotham City safe. But they come and go, change costumes, and it's hard to tell who is allied with the Batman and who he would rather do good in other cities.

LEE
And let's face it, it's mostly dudes. I know there's a Batgirl, but she hasn't been seen in a long time. But these other heroes are not quite as good as the Batman at not being seen. There's a lot more pictures and video of them that of him. Which brings us to the lady of the hour.

LEE
I sweet talked Jim, sorry Mister Corrigan, and he let me look at the file for The Huntress. She'd been a bad guy, killing a lot of mob types before suddenly giving up her bloody quest. Then she started being spotted with the Batman and the other one, the young guy with the really great...uh, hair, Darkwing is it? Seems she had joined the side of the angels. But she's still wanted by GCPD.

LEE
That's when I heard a 412 call come over the scanner. That means a hero has been caught. It's pretty rare, so I hitched a ride with one of the boys and rode out to see what was up. And I saw the Huntress chained up in the back of a police wagon. I knew I only had a few minutes so I took my shot.

Paddywagon

HUNTRESS
Get me the hell out of here!

LEE
Excuse me, you're the Huntress, right?

HUNTRESS
Yeah? So?

LEE
You're part of the Bat family?

HUNTRESS
The Bat family? Who comes up with this garbage? Oh crap, you're a reporter.

LEE
Well, no, not exactly. I'm an author. I'm writing a book about supervillains.

HUNTRESS
You think I'm a villain? One of them?

LEE
I don't really know. No one knows much about you.

HUNTRESS
What do you know?

LEE
You showed up in Gotham a few years ago, and started targeting organized crime figures. You...murdered them.

HUNTRESS
Delivered long overdue justice.

LEE
Right. Of course. But then things seem to change, you stopped killing.

HUNTRESS
You think I went soft?

LEE
No, I think you met up with the Batman and he changed your mind about a few things.

HUNTRESS
The Batman. Yeah. We've had some...intense discussions. Pretty smart, lady. Did you say you're writing a book on the bad guys?

LEE
I am. I've been travelling around, talking to them, seeing their side of the story.

HUNTRESS
Their side? Who the hell cares about their side? They want something they can't have: money, drugs, a person, they get a gimmick and start terrorizing people. I don't care if their mommmy beat them with a wooden spoon, they chose to hurt someone, they pay the price.

LEE
With their life?

HUNTRESS
Sometimes, that's what it takes. When justice is done, it brings joy to the righteous but terror to evildoers.

LEE
That's from the Bible, Proverbs, right? Are you religious?

HUNTRESS
It's complicated.

LEE
But in Romans, it says: Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

HUNTRESS
You know the Book. Huh. But who's to say I'm not that wrath, repaying for the Lord?

LEE
So you're a religious crusader. You're not the first one I've met who said they were on a mission from god.

HUNTRESS
Don't compare me to them! You don't know what I've seen, what they did!

LEE
So tell me.

HUNTRESS
I'm a sinner, I own that. I've broken the rules of God, I'll pay penance for it. But there is true evil in the world. If you've met these people, you know it's true. Not everyone can be rehabilitated. Not everyone can be saved.

LEE
Including you.

HUNTRESS
Including me. My soul is tainted. By my actions, but by my choice. For everyone I put down, who knows how many innocent souls survive because of that. That's a price I'll gladly pay.

LEE
I don't know that I believe that. I think everyone has a spark of humanity.

HUNTRESS
Then you haven't been paying attention.

LEE
Can I ask, how did the Major Crimes Unit pick you up?

HUNTRESS
I got sloppy. I heard Lady Shiva was in town. He told me to stay away, but I didn't listen. We tussled.

LEE
And she won?

HUNTRESS
Shiva always wins. It's annoying. But I'm alive, so that's a victory. When I woke up, I was already in chains. Not all of us get the hero's welcome. Not in Gotham.

LEE
So what now? Are you going to stand trial?

HUNTRESS
You are new in town. No, I'll be out of here soon. I'll have to face a higher court: the disapproval of the Batman.

LEE
You mean, he's coming here? Now?

HUNTRESS
I hope not. It'll likely be worse.

LEE
coughs Ah, what is that? Where'd all this smoke come from?

NIGHTWING
Hey, pretty lady, you miss me?

HUNTRESS
Nightwing. How'd I know he'd send you?

NIGHTWING
Just your lucky night. I like your new jewelry, very bondage chic.

HUNTRESS
You think you're so funny. Will you just cut these cuffs off please?

NIGHTWING
Who's your new friend?

HUNTRESS
Didn't catch the name, she's writing a book about supervillains?

NIGHTWING
Why?

HUNTRESS
Good question.

LEE
coughs Nightwing! You work with Batman, can I talk to you?

NIGHTWING
Sorry, I don't do interviews. However, if you are doing Gotham's most attractive vigilantes, give me a call. You ready, Huntress?

HUNTRESS
Yeah. He pissed?

NIGHTWING
What do you think?

HUNTRESS
I think it's gonna be a long night.

Chapter Text

LEE
laughing I don't know...I just...I can't stop laughing.

LEE
laughing

LEE
I'm alive, thank god, I'm still alive. Why is that so funny?

LEE
laughing

LEE
Come on, pull yourself together. I can't explain this. I don't know what happened. Was it even real? Or am I totally insane?

LEE
laughing

LEE
No, I have the recording, so it must have happened. I don't know how to even start this. I came home after meeting with...who did I meet? And I was so tired, I fell asleep still in my clothes and woke up, someplace else.

LEE
And he was there.

LEE
laughing

LEE
I'm alive. I don't...I can't. I'm sorry, you'll just have to listen.

LEE
One thing, I know one thing. I need to get out of Gotham City. Tonight.

Crooked House

LEE
What's going on? Where am I?

PROMETHEUS
Do you know what Abraham Lincoln said when he met Harriet Beecher Stowe?

LEE
Oh my god.

PROMETHEUS
Not even close. He said, "So you're the little lady who started this great war." It's funny, isn't it? We think of these little works of fiction as entertainment, as distractions. But the right story, told the right way, why, it could change the world, wouldn't you say?

LEE
I...I'd agree with that, sure.

PROMETHEUS
Is that what you're after? To change the world with your book?

LEE
No, I didn't...it wouldn't come to that.

PROMETHEUS
You know who I am?

LEE
I do.

PROMETHEUS
Then say it.

LEE
You're Prometheus. The man who almost took down the Justice League.

PROMETHEUS
I did take down the Justice League! It just didn't work out like I expected, an unforeseen variable, the fly in the ointment. Did you know the term computer bug comes from the fact that actual bugs used to get into early computers? They were attracted to the electromagnetic resonance. Or maybe the warmth of the tubes.

LEE
Mister...Prometheus, or do you have another name you'd prefer I call you?

PROMETHEUS
Prometheus is who I am. Any other name has been long discarded. Hmph. I was going to say something about my birth name being a chrysalis, but I think someone you spoke to already made that analogy. Who was that?

LEE
It was Livewire.

PROMETHEUS
Yes, that's right. I haven't met that one yet. Livewire, such a vibrant name. Supervillains are a new area of study for me. I never thought to examine those in my own house, just those that stood against me.

LEE
That's right, it was Catwoman who actually stopped you. I'm sorry if that's a sore point.

PROMETHEUS
I could see where you'd think that, but no, failure is a powerful tool. I see now that assuming that those of a criminal nature would have an esprit de corps, that was my mistake. There is a pecking order, you understand that, right?

LEE
I do, it's one of the things I've learned. Is that why I'm here. And where is here?

PROMETHEUS
We're coming to that. As for where, there's no harm in telling you, we're in what I named the Ghost Zone, let's call it a pocket dimension. So should you have any heroic fantasies of getting free of your bonds, there's really nowhere to run.

LEE
I see.

PROMETHEUS
Good, I do so hate having to repeat myself. I am, by every standard, a learned man. I've been trained by the best of the worst of humanity. I study, I plan, I calculate the odds before any encounter. This takes patience. Are you following me?

LEE
I am.

PROMETHEUS
Excellent. But I profess I do have a weakness, I hate waiting for something I want. If there's a new piece of cinema I want to see, I must be there on opening day, first showing. I want to see it fresh, without any social discussion or cultural bias.

LEE
You go to the movies?

PROMETHEUS
Not anymore. Since the digital transition, I've cut into all the studio feeds. I can watch footage as its being edited. But the point remains, I want to know now.

LEE
How does this concern me?

PROMETHEUS
Your book.

LEE
You kidnapped me and took me to another dimension and all you want is an advance copy of my book?

PROMETHEUS
No, that'd be crazy. I want to know what you've learned. About supervillains. Straight from the source. Tell me what you've learned about villany.

LEE
Wow, that's a tall order.

PROMETHEUS
And please think carefully. I don't like being disappointed.

LEE
Sure, I can understand that. Where to start? For one thing, I've learned that very little ties them together.

PROMETHEUS
Interesting, go on.

LEE
Some of them are hedonists, adrenaline junkies, fame seekers. Most of them have been knocked around by life, circumstances conspired against them and they pushed back.

PROMETHEUS
It must be more complicated than that.

LEE
It can be, but sometimes all it takes is one bad day and nothing in your life is the same. You aren't the person you were yesterday, and whole new possibilities occur to you, things you never thought you'd be capable of, now you can do them without a second thought.

PROMETHEUS
Yes, I can understand that.

LEE
But sometimes, they crack.

PROMETHEUS
You speak of the insane. Like that man with the toys.

LEE
Winslow, yes. He's firmly in the grip of something else, but it manifests outward. He's taken something he loves and uses it to hurt, something that inspired joy and he transformed it to fear. That's where it goes from just craziness into something more...

PROMETHEUS
Grand?

LEE
I was going to say frightening.

PROMETHEUS
But you don't seem to scare easily, even among all these killers.

LEE
No, I hadn't thought about that before. But what about you, what made you choose-

PROMETHEUS
Oh no no no. You've asked your questions of the groundlings, but I am a master thespian. I won't be questioned by the rabble.

LEE
But you are recording this conversation. I see my recorder on the table over there.

PROMETHEUS
Very observant.

LEE
Did I...have I answered your questions to your satisfaction?

PROMETHEUS
You've shown me...that I've taken you out of play too soon. You have much to learn.

LEE
So you're letting me go?

PROMETHEUS
I am, yes. To continue your work.

LEE
And can I use this recording?

PROMETHEUS
Of course. First off, your audience will hardly believe that this truly took place. Why would someone on my level ever bother with the likes of you?

LEE
And secondly?

PROMETHEUS
It's not just the plebs that are listening. The others of my ilk are paying attention. And I want them to know.

LEE
To know what?

PROMETHEUS
That I'm still out here. And that I'll be coming to ask them some questions as well.

Chapter Text

LEE
My fish is dead. And not just found floating, but all the way dead, I found him rotting at the bottom of a dry bowl. And not even on my first day back, but a couple of days later. I didn't even think of it. I told someone to stop by and look in at him. Or at least I think I did. I was going to, but maybe I didn't. But I killed him, it was me, parental neglect. And I can't even remember what his name was.

LEE
I'm tired. I'm so tired. I got back in on Sunday night. Now it's Tuesday. I don't remember any of Monday. I think I slept right through it. But I must have gotten up to eat or go to the bathroom, right?

LEE
I don't know if I can do this anymore. When I started this book thing, it was all new and exciting. I would be meeting all these famous people and in controlled environments, surrounded by security. All they would have would be their words, and how much can words affect you? Sticks and stones break bones, but not words. No, they just lodge in your soul and slowly poison you.

LEE
I've stopped answering fan mail, sorry about that. I just can't right now. Gotham City took a lot out of me. The book is about 3/4ths put together, but I can't even get the energy to fire up the computer and look at the files. My publisher keeps emailing me, but I'm ignoring them too. But there's this one email I got that's interesting.

LEE
It's from the office of Hugo Strange. For those of you who don't know, he's the guy who is currently running Arkham Asylum. He took over about a year ago after the last one disappeared. In Gotham, disappearances don't have happy endings. It's never, dropped my phone while reaching for a mai tai, sorry. It's more like, we found something in the wall during construction.

LEE
But I looked at it. He wants to meet with me. It's pretty vague, but it looks like he knows my work and wants to have a chat about supervillains. And I want to go. But it's back in that city. I just don't know if I can do it. So while you're listening to this, either it ends here and you wonder why you wasted your three minutes listening to me mope, or I somehow found the strength to cowgirl up, plaster on my fake smile and put on a show for the very important man who can unlock the last part of my literary journey. The answer will be revealed in 5, 4, 3, 2...

Office

LEE
Mr. Strange, or is it Doctor?

HUGO
It's actually Professor Hugo Strange.

LEE
Professor, sorry. I have to admit, I was surprised when I got your message.

HUGO
Really? Why is that?

LEE
I'm just a girl, fresh out of grad school trying to write her first book. And this morning I was told the head of Arkham Asylum wanted to speak to me.

HUGO
I've been following your work.

LEE
You have? That's quite a compliment.

HUGO
But I didn't say how I felt about it.

LEE
No, you didn't. That was me assuming. I'm sorry.

HUGO
Interesting.

LEE
What?

HUGO
We've known each other for less than five minutes and you've already apologized to me twice.

LEE
Did I? I'm...I'm working on stopping that. Someone I met recently gave me that advice.

HUGO
They sound wise. I would concur. You must not apologize for existing, for your place in the universe.

LEE
So, can I ask...?

HUGO
You may ask.

LEE
You're really going to make me say it. Professor Strange, what do you think of my work so far?

HUGO
It is difficult for me to make an educated analysis of your work without seeing all of it. I know that you've spoken to more of these inmates than you've released.

LEE
How did you know that?

HUGO
Call it a hunch. Picking and choosing the results is not how scientific research is done, my dear.

LEE
I don't consider myself a scientist.

HUGO
All of this work, this is psychology, which is a science. You seek to understand the mind, especially the mind of the troubled. This is a noble pursuit, one that I myself am pursuing. It is my hope that science may one day find a way to cure these troubled souls, to put their minds to rest.

LEE
Wow, I hadn't thought that far ahead.

HUGO
This, I could also tell. Your instincts are solid, and you listen, you ask good questions. But you are untrained, and worse, you are seeking answers from the borderline cases.

LEE
I don't understand what that means, borderline cases.

HUGO
These individuals, while colorful, are not what we might call 'troubled.' You'll have to forgive the term. Many of them have issues with authority, addiction, thrill seeking. But these are simple issues to my community, many of which could be alleviated by therapy and pharmaceuticals.

LEE
You don't see them as dangerous?

HUGO
Dangerous, perhaps. But only slightly above the stereotypical 'angry postal worker.'

LEE
They're garden variety crazy.

HUGO
I don't like that word, it diminishes the struggle of those who are dealing with deeper issues.

LEE
I'm sorry, Professor.

HUGO
And there's that apology again. The people we deal with here are deeply troubled, dangers to themselves and others. Their trauma is powerful, almost tidal in its strength on them. These simple questions, why did you choose a life of crime? Most of my patients wouldn't even understand it. Do you see?

LEE
I do. I studied psychology at school, Professor. For a while, I thought that might even be my calling. I hope my work isn't seen as diminishing any of what you are trying to accomplish here.

HUGO
You thought it might be your calling? Don't you see, it is your calling. What you are doing right now, you are interviewing, chronicling, documenting, listening. You might not know it, but you are already on this path.

LEE
I don't know what to say.

HUGO
Then it is time for my proposal. I wish to give you limited access to some of my patients. By their own choice, you understand. I will not force them to undergo an interview, that would be counter productive to their treatment.

LEE
You'd let me talk to them? Thank you so much.

HUGO
I haven't finished. In exchange, you will let me read over your notes, listen to all of your interviews.

LEE
You want to hear all of those? Most of them are unreleased for very good reasons.

HUGO
I understand, but perhaps my trained mind will reveal something you might have missed.

LEE
I let you read my research, you let me talk to the Rogue's gallery?

HUGO
That is my proposal.

LEE
Professor Strange, you have a deal.

HUGO
Wonderful! Now, here's how this will work. I will choose the patients you will speak to. They will be informed of your work, but you must not divulge any personal information to them, not even your name.

LEE
I was told the same at all the prisons, I've been very careful so far.

HUGO
This is another level of seriousness. The walls of Arkham are not as strong as I would like, we can't take the chance of anything happening outside them.

LEE
I will be careful.

HUGO
The next most important thing: you must not mention The Batman. Do not even allude to him. Many of the inmates psychoses are tied into a love/hate relationship with him and it can trigger emotional reactions, the kind I would spare you from.

LEE
I understand.

HUGO
I hope you do. I am putting my faith in you, young one. See that you don't disappoint me.

Chapter Text

LEE
Gotham is still terrible. I hunched down and pretended to read a book so I wouldn't have to look out the window or try to make small talk with the driver. Luckily, Arkham Asylum is way outside of town. The unlucky part of that is that my hotel is really far away. No one wants to build anything near their grounds. They don't have a stellar reputation for keeping the nuts inside.

LEE
Sorry, that was mean. As you can tell, I've gotten a bit over my funk. I think I was just overtired. I put my hair up, layered on the makeup, zipped up the skirt that's just a little too tight but makes my hips looks smaller and got on with it. And somewhere in the middle of it, the fake smile became a real one. Or I stopped being able to tell the difference. Either way, that's a win.

LEE
Outside, the Asylum looks like a mansion, because that's what it was. The estate was owned by Jeremiah Arkham and blah blah blah look it up on wikipedia. I'm not here for a history lesson. Because inside, it's so different.

LEE
This place is amazeballs! I mean, you've got the old offices, which are all gothic, art deco chique, but then down deep, they've got these high tech doors and cells built into the old basements and catacombs. It's the beautiful fusion of vitage and futurist. What? I dated an architect for a while. Who didn't?

LEE
And the place is stuffed with the strangest, wildest, most extreme personalities on the planet. If you've ever read a headline like "The Batman defeats..." chances are the guy is in here. Or girl. Or other, as I've discovered a few here fit that category.

LEE
I'm super excited to get back to work, it's gonna be great. Professor Strange has me starting off slower. Today I'm going to meet a fellow scientist, Victor Fries. I wonder if he'd write me a letter of reference. Ha! Can you imagine?! Ahem. "It is Mister Freeze's opinion that she would be an asset to your university." Oh! Oh! "This is a cold hard fact." Nailed it!

Cold Storage

VICTOR
Do you know what killed the dinosaurs?

LEE
The ice age?

VICTOR
No, their inability to adapt to rapidly changing circumstances. The ice age came much later. You said you were an academic? Shameful.

LEE
I thought you were making a joke. Mister Freeze, I apologize.

VICTOR
It's Doctor Fries. I hate how many people make that mistake. I earned my title, for how little it matters now.

LEE
What do you mean?

VICTOR
I should be beyond such petty things, but these are the last vestiges of my old way of thinking. I must be better.

LEE
You worked hard for that, you should feel proud. I've pretty much given up on my doctorate. Why do you see that as bad?

VICTOR
Not bad, but irrelevant. I spoke of the dinosaurs not to give praise to man, but to bring up its opposite. The other thing that has withstood these vast changes are the mountains. Kilimanjaro has stood sentinel over the birth and death of every human that has ever lived. And it remains resolute.

LEE
I'm sorry, Doctor, but you've lost me.

VICTOR
There's no reason you should understand. In my recent experiments, I have discovered a side effect of my condition.

LEE
You're dying?

VICTOR
Worse, I'm living. If not eternal, then long enough for the numbers to have little meaning. My experiments in cryogenics have left me frozen, but preserved alive.

LEE
But that's great news. Every adult lives in fear of the day they'll die, but for you that fear is gone.

VICTOR
Fear is an emotion long dead in me. What you see as a blessing, I see as a curse. My life is not one I would wish on anyone, and to find that it will never cease, it is the worst of punishments.

LEE
It can't be that bad.

VICTOR
My work was all consuming, to control the tides of time, allow the infirm to wait until treatment has been invented for their conditions. I was fixated on cracking the code. And then she came along.

LEE
This is your late wife.

VICTOR
Nora. She showed me more, that the world had wonders in it and life was about more than work. With her, I felt...

LEE
Human. The world is the same, those things are still there.

VICTOR
No. When she was taken from me, I saw how cold the world could be. Even her memory causes me pain, reminds me of what I once was and will never be again.

LEE
The world we live in, the things we've seen, the definition of humanity is expanding every day.

VICTOR
Spare me your mindless platitudes. I stand as a fixture in time, days, months, years will pass me by, and I will not suffer for the duration. I will put my humanity aside.

LEE
No man is a island, or an iceberg.

VICTOR
You wish to make jokes? Talk to the fool upstairs.

LEE
I mean you are part of this world, humanity needs great men who strive to make it better.

VICTOR
What has humanity done for me but laugh at me, call me names, take what I loved? Better all the emotions left in me to be frozen away for all time. This conversation has done nothing but convince me that my decision is right. Now go-

LEE
Before you lose your cool?

VICTOR
Get out!

Chapter Text

LEE
The people here at Arkham are so nice! I think it comes from above, from the tone that Professor Strange sets. He insists that everyone know each other's names by heart, as he won't let anyone wear name tags. He doesn't want the inmates getting too chummy with the staff. We're here to cure them, he says, and we can't do that by becoming their friends.

LEE
I guess it's like a foxhole mentality. We, sorry, they are doing dangerous work but all for the good. They are trying to fix the unfixable, to save souls. It takes a special kind of person to put their lives at risk to help someone who would likely murder them if given the chance.

LEE
Plus they make bank! I cornered this orderly. I may have made out with him a little bit, but eventually he told me how much he makes and it's jawdropping. And that's the entry level stuff. Some quick math told me how much the staff psyches make and say goodbye to your student loans. I mean, sure there's a risk, but there's a reward too.

LEE
But back to the business of show, this is my conversation with the Riddler. I know, I know, but seriously, you're going to want to hear this one. There's kind of...oh, I don't want to spoil it. Just listen.

Common room

EDWARD
When does the little bird change her tune?

LEE
I don't know, when?

EDWARD
You'll see, and what a sad song you'll sing then.

LEE
Right. You are Edward Nygma?

EDWARD
Better known to the world as the Riddler! Smartest man in all of Gotham.

LEE
If that's true, why are you in Arkham Asylum?

EDWARD
An interesting question. I like to think of it as challenging myself. Working on the outside is all well and good, but coming up with a clever caper while captured? That requires serious brain work.

LEE
You know, it's weird. You remind me of someone I've recently spoken to.

EDWARD
No, no, it is they who remind you of me. The Riddler is singular, one of a kind, never imitated or duplicated.

LEE
You've got a pretty high opinion of yourself.

EDWARD
If I do not sing my praises, who will? And is it egotism to speak the truth, to say how things are? It is my right to stand upon the mount and demand to be heard.

LEE
In lime green tights.

EDWARD
When in Rome, one must do as the Romans do. I simply wear the uniform appropriate for my position. Now, it is my story you wish to hear, yes?

LEE
I suppose so.

EDWARD
Excellent, I hope you've fresh batteries in your recorder, for mine is an epic saga of tragedy and triumph, heartbreak and victory, crushing...what's going on?

LEE
I don't know, what happened to the lights?

EDWARD
Oh ha ha, very funny, now please illuminate so I may- uck!

LEE
What was that? Edward? Edward, are you all right? Hello.

BATMAN
You need to go.

LEE
What? Who said that? Oh. Batman.

BATMAN
Your little fishing expedition is over.

LEE
What did you do to poor Edward?

BATMAN
Knocked him out. I've heard the story, you're not missing anything.

LEE
Since you've incapacitated my subject, how about I ask you a few questions?

BATMAN
No. I know who you are, and I know what you are doing. I'm here to tell you that you're in over your head.

LEE
I'm doing fine.

BATMAN
And you don't even know it. There's more going on that you can't see.

LEE
So tell me.

BATMAN
Right now, you're an innocent bystander. But nothing stays innocent in Arkham for long.

LEE
I'm a big girl, I can handle myself.

BATMAN
Don't talk to him.

LEE
Him? Him who?

BATMAN
Don't be coy, we both know where you are heading. If this is Dante's Inferno, he's waiting in the center. If you go into that cell, you won't come out the same. If you come out at all.

LEE
While you're here, weren't you once an inmate here? What makes you so much better than the people you put inside? Hello? Batman? How'd he get out of the room? So that was the Batman. Meh.

EDWARD
Oh my head.

LEE
Mister Nygma? Are you all right?

EDWARD
Is the interview over? How'd I do?

Chapter Text

LEE
I may have gotten a bit too comfortable. I'd been having a pretty great time. It can be scary here, it is an old house and an asylum for the criminally insane, so the creepy factor is pretty high. But I like the people, and they've been willing to talk about whatever and made me feel like one of the gang.

LEE
But I'm not. And that got me into trouble. When I came in for my first real visit, they let me go through training with some new recruits. They have an orientation video and a handbook that you need to read over and sign. It's pretty clever, they put instructions into the paragraphs to see if you are actually reading it. Like in the middle of talking about proper attire, the sentence says, if you are reading this please draw a small happy face in the bottom right hand corner. That way, they can flip through the handbook when you turn it in and they'll know if you read it or just skimmed it.

LEE
I didn't do either. I waited until someone went to the bathroom, then I copied all his answers. I know, I know, but it's not like I was really there to work. Not as a job, I'm here as a reporter, to do research, not to learn proper medical guidelines.

LEE
So it's totally my fault. Mostly my fault. I broke one of the big rules in this interview. I wasn't paying attention, and it nearly cost me. See if you can catch where I went wrong in my interview with the Scarecrow.

LIBRARY

JONATHAN
It's such a pleasure to make your acquaintance, miss.

LEE
Oh, thank you. I don't normally shake hands with my interviewees.

JONATHAN
How rude of them!

LEE
No, because they are normally in restraints but I suppose there's no harm.

JONATHAN
What better way to begin a civilized conversation.

LEE
I'm surprised that you have been given such free access. I didn't expect I'd be talking to the scarecrow in the middle of the library.

JONATHAN
That's due to the influence of Professor Strange. He's been a godsend. We found that we are kindred spirits, and since he's taken over, he's given me more chances to prove myself. And I wouldn't want to let him down.

LEE
How have you been able to assist him?

JONATHAN
With my research, of course. Before I most recent setbacks, I was an esteemed professor myself, with a focus on phobias and the chemical compounds that cause these attacks. But obsession with my work is my achilles heel. I just couldn't stop myself once I got going. But Professor Strange is helping me to focus.

LEE
Why was fear such an obsession for you?

JONATHAN
Because it's everything. It's the single greatest feeling in the human brain, everything runs through fear, joy, love, hope, hate, it's all a factor of fear. Will he like me? What happens when my boss finds out? Is she trying to hurt me? It all comes down to fear. And everyone has them, what is your greatest fear?

LEE
Cancer.

JONATHAN
Really? Fascinating?

LEE
I can't believe I just said that out loud.

JONATHAN
Is it true?

LEE
Yes. I killed my mother and my grandmother and I think it's coming for me next. Wow, I don't know why I told you that, I've never told anyone that.

JONATHAN
That was the fear keeping you from speaking the truth. But now your honesty has set you free. Let's dig a bit deeper, how long have you had this fear?

LEE
Since I was a teenager. Wait, something's not right, my head feels weird.

JONATHAN
That's just a side effect, let's keep talking.

LEE
A side effect of what?

JONATHAN
Of the fear toxin I've infected you with. It's a mild version, first it removes fear along with inhibitions, then the second stage begins.

LEE
Infected me? How?

JONATHAN
It was on my hand, you see. In the visitor's guidebook it says that no visitor should ever make contact with an inmate or take anything from them. You broke two rules in one. Shame shame, you should always read the fine print. Please, let's try to stay on topic.

LEE
I don't want to continue, the guards will be here.

JONATHAN
Oh, I've taken care of them. They do one favor for me, and then are terrified of being found out. Their fear keeps them beholden to me, you see? We've got all the time in the world.

LEE
Did you hear that? What was that?

JONATHAN
Ah, the paranoia is starting, we've reached phase two already. This is where things get interesting. Ahem, the subject becomes incredibly suggestible at this phase, and even the lightest suggestion becomes their reality. To demonstrate: miss, excuse me, miss?

LEE
Yes, what is it?

JONATHAN
I couldn't help but notice all the spiders crawling across the desk. Do they belong to you?

LEE
Oh my god, spiders! Spiders everywhere! Quick, help me gather them up so we can shoo them out the door.

JONATHAN
No fear of spiders, interesting. Let's try something larger. Oh look, miss, the spiders have gone, they must have been scared off by all the rats on the floor. Can you just feel their leathery tails whipping your ankles?

LEE
How'd all these rats get in here? Did you know that rats actually make a laughing sound when they play?

JONATHAN
Interesting, not afraid of rats either. This one is made of sterner stuff. What was that? Noise in the hallway, no, they musn't interrupt! Ma'am, do you know where you are?

LEE
I'm in a room. I'm in Arkham Asylum?

JONATHAN
That's right. You are surrounded by the worst of humanity, liars, theives, killers. And in this den of evil, who are you most afraid of?

LEE
He's...terrible.

JONATHAN
Yes.

LEE
The worst of the worst.

JONATHAN
The absolute worst.

LEE
Everyone lives in fear of him.

JONATHAN
Yes, they do.

LEE
Some say he's the devil.

JONATHAN
Maybe he is.

LEE
I'm terrified of the....

JONATHAN
Say it.

LEE
The J-j-j

JONATHAN
No, not him!

LEE
The j-j-joke

JONATHAN
No, stop, get your hands off me! I'm not finished with the experiment, you'll ruin everything.

LEE
The Joke-

JONATHAN
Don't say his name! It's me, the Scarecrow, the master of fear! Be afraid of me! Let me go! Let me-

Chapter Text

LEE
I don't understand this place. I thought I did, but I was wrong. I don't get it. I thought that they understood we are trying to help them. We aren't the ones who put them here, we're the ones trying to help them get better, so that one day they can walk out the front door with their heads held high, as a normal person.

LEE
But there isn't normal. It's not real. It's all a sliding scale. I'm starting to think everyone is just a little bit crazy, but the successful people are the ones who can hide it the best.

LEE
But if you look around and notice that they are all crazy, not just 'you must be nuts for liking Soder Cola!' but deep down fundamentally unbalanced, then who is to say we should listen to you, your ideas, your opinions, your laws. You start to realize that it's all razor's edge and we are only a slip away from it all falling apart. Which is kind of funny. I mean, am I the only one who sees this?

LEE
I've been thinking about what Cupid said, about love is the only real thing in the world. Or something like that. She was crazy, but still made some sense. Maybe it's like that, you find someone you love, hold on with both hands and weather through the worst of the world.

LEE
I know I'm not making a lot of sense. It just, it hit me harder than I expected. I think you'll understand when you listen.

Vistors Room

MAGGIE
The name's Margaret Pye.

LEE
Maggie, hi.

MAGGIE
Maggie's fine, or Magpie if you prefer.

LEE
I'll stick with Maggie. How have things been going?

MAGGIE
Oh, can't complain. Or more like, not allowed to complain.

LEE
It's just, last time we spoke, you were pretty nervous about being sent back to Arkham.

MAGGIE
The last time?

LEE
Maggie, it's me. I'm writing the book.

MAGGIE
Sure. The book.

LEE
I'm travelling around interviewing supervillains. We spoke at the police station.

MAGGIE
Right, the police station. Of course.

LEE
Are you feeling all right?

MAGGIE
It's just this place, it messes with your mind. The drugs, the therapy. But it's coming back to me.

LEE
We spoke about L7.

MAGGIE
Ah, L7, of course.

LEE
And you told me all about your dad, what he said to you.

MAGGIE
Uch, dear old dad.

LEE
OK, who are you?

MAGGIE
I told you, I'm the Magpie.

LEE
No you aren't. Maggie never said anything about her father. Are you...are you Clayface?

MAGGIE
Gross, no!

LEE
Lady Clayface?

MAGGIE
Even worse. Fine, I guess the jig is up, say bye to Maggie coughing

JANE
coughing And hello to Jane Doe.

MAGGIE
Jane Doe, wait, I've heard of you. You're the serial killer, the one who takes over people's lives.

JANE
Jane should have known better. Usually she takes much longer studying her prey, but when this opportunity came along, she moved too quickly. Jane will not make that mistake again.

MAGGIE
What opportunity? What are you talking about?

JANE
Magpie is a minimum security inmate, the lightest level of security. Jane hoped she could take over Maggie's life. Maybe escape, maybe just ride out the time.

MAGGIE
How long is your sentence?

JANE
Life. Six lives, actually. There've been more, but those are the ones that they were able to pin on Jane.

MAGGIE
Why do you do that? Refer to yourself in the third person.

JANE
Because there is no person, there is no Jane. The name is one that the court assigned to her, as they did not know of any other. Jane is nothing, Jane is an empty vessel, waiting to be filled with a real life, one she has claimed for her own.

LEE
It's really remarkable, uncanny really. How do you do that with your voice.

MAGGIE
My name is Magpie and I like shiny things. Won't you be my friend?

LEE
It sounds just like her. And you look just like her too. Right down to the mole on her cheek.

JANE
Well, of course it does. It's her mole.

LEE
What? You took her mole? That's sick.

JANE
Took her mole? No, of course not.

LEE
Oh, thank goodness.

JANE
Jane took her skin.

LEE
Her what?

JANE
Her skin. This is it.

LEE
I don't understand.

JANE
I claimed the skin when I took her life. What you see is the shell that contained Maggie.

LEE
You killed Magpie and skinned her? You're wearing her skin.

JANE
Yes, it's part of the process. Jane is Magpie now.

MAGGIE
Let's get back to the interview. Can we talk about the shiny things I like to steal?

LEE
Guard! Guard! Someone help!

MAGGIE
Was it something I said?

Chapter Text

LEE
I decided to take a week off after...what happened to Maggie. I just couldn't. I was doubting myself, everything I thought, what I'd learned so far. Was this book even worth it? Who cares?

LEE
But spending a week in my hotel room in Gotham? Not really the most relaxing of pursuits. I decided to do busywork. I organized chapters, worked on my footnotes, ran every type of spell checker I could find, just mindless but important stuff to keep me busy, but keep my mind from engaging too much.

LEE
That's when the call came from the Asylum. It was Professor Strange himself, which is not how things normally go. He had good news, but he'd only tell me in person.

LEE
I took a cab over to Arkham. You have to pay triple for that, by the way. When I got there, Professor Strange was beaming. He said my next interview was ready, and it was Pamela Isely.

LEE
You coulda picked my jaw up off the floor. Poison Ivy? For real? I knew she'd been picked up a few weeks ago, but they'd been redoing her cell, equipping it with a new ventilation system. Everyone down there has had to wear hazmat suits. But it's working now and now that it's safe, I'm allowed to go down and talk to her.

LEE
Sometimes it's hard for me to hide my enthusiasm. But I'm a professional. I need to be seen as cool and collected but COME ON! OK, I'm cool, it's all good. Here's my very calm and professional chat with the most beautiful woman in all of Gotham.

Hermetic Chamber

PAMELA
Let's get this over with.

LEE
Wow.

PAMELA
That's how you're starting off this interview? You must be one of those bloggers.

LEE
No, I just, you're so beautiful.

PAMELA
Excuse me?

LEE
I mean, I've read about you, seen your picture in the papers and footage on the news, but they don't do you justice. You are stunning.

PAMELA
Oh, well, thank you, that's nice of you to stay.

LEE
This is so unprofessional. You must get tired of hearing it, maybe it's the pheromones doing their work.

PAMELA
No, I'm in a sealed environment. Keeps me from affecting the locals. When the guards say it, it can be creepy, but from you, not so much.

LEE
Do they give you a hard time?

PAMELA
They're men, that's what they do.

LEE
Certainly not all men.

PAMELA
They are just herd animals. The fact that my unique biology can bend them to my will with almost no effort shows that we shouldn't be listening to anything they say. One wiff of a spore, and the the drooling neanderthal underneath the suit is revealed.

LEE
But don't they work on women too?

PAMELA
To a lesser extent. But that requires focus, alteration, a subtle art. For a while, I didn't even know what was happening, I assumed men were obeying because they wanted something from me, to take something from me. I wasn't wrong.

LEE
But you can't just lump all of them into one category.

PAMELA
You don't know what I've seen. I am this way because of the cruelty of their gender. I was invisible because I wasn't beautiful, and when I bloomed... Either way I was a thing, to be ignored or owned, discarded or consumed. Never again.

LEE
You've been labeled as an eco-terrorist.

PAMELA
An interesting turn of phrase. Yes, that is my cause and I fight for it, using any tactics I can. But I'm on the side of the earth, of nature, hell I might as well be Mother Nature, as it's not nice to fool with me.

LEE
But certainly men and women are both equally complicit in pollution, the corruption of the natural world.

PAMELA
Look back at history, behind every terrible act, every awful event, you'll find small, craven little men clutching at power and subjugating women. It's time to break that cycle.

LEE
And you're sure that this isn't just revenge on the first man who broke your heart?

PAMELA
My affections do not that way turn. Understand?

LEE
Oh. Yes. I get it. But am I on your hit list?

PAMELA
We've only just met.

LEE
I've let plants die due to neglect. I've thrown trash out the car window. I don't always recycle. Am I an polluter worthy of death?

PAMELA
Hmm. My aims are much higher. You could do all those things a hundred times a day for your entire life and it wouldn't match up to the damage of one day's work for LexCorp in South America.

LEE
Wow, really?

PAMELA
Really really. But that's not to say you're off the hook.

LEE
So you do have some issues with those who don't know better.

PAMELA
The corrupt male polluters should fear me, they are my first targets when I escape. But if you are asking if the rest of humanity, dropping their meat wrappers on the ground, cutting down the rainforests, draining the wetlands, should they be afraid of me? Yes. Yes they should.

LEE
I see.

PAMELA
They've pushed nature too far. Now it's time for Mother to push back.

LEE
Some of the people I've talked to who've been...transformed...they say they don't feel human anymore, that they've transcended.

PAMELA
I don't feel human but I do feel my humanity.

LEE
Can you explain that?

PAMELA
Have you ever seen a highway that's been left unattended? Or an abandoned amusement park? You can see the plants taking it back, inch by inch, branch by branch. In ten years, twenty, a hundred, you wouldn't know mankind's mess had even been there.

LEE
You're patient.

PAMELA
I'm far from that. Eventually the earth will win. Humanity is just a momentary aberration, the green was here before and will be here long after the last styrofoam cup has broken down. But I'm here now, and I feel it. Every slash and burn operation in the Amazon, each field wiped out by farm runoff, it fills me with rage. I can hear them screaming.

LEE
That must be agony.

PAMELA
It's fuel. Yes I want the polluters, the corrupt, the greedy to pay for their sins against the earth. But I want the rest of the world to hear the cries for help, to remember that we are not here to just carve and destroy our planet.

LEE
And you'll do that by any means necessary.

PAMELA
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. It is it's natural manure.

LEE
You are one of the few people I've interviewed who has been motivated by a cause, not their ambitions or their revenge.

PAMELA
I'm sowing the seeds of change. We shall see what kind of fruit they will bear.

LEE
But what kind of morality is that?

PAMELA
Morality. Like guilt. I sleep fine. If you are referring to laws, why should I obey any of them? You can smoke on the sidewalk in Gotham, but do it Metropolis and you'll get arrested. Which is the better law?

LEE
But that's just semantics.

PAMELA
Is it? Then you assume the law applies to each person identically. Ask a poor 20 year old accused of the same crime as a rich 50 year old if they'll recieve identical treatment in a courtroom. Laws? Please, just more constructs of dead men to keep the lessers in their place.

LEE
I never really thought of it like that.

PAMELA
It seems you've got a lot to think about. Ah!

LEE
What is it?

PAMELA
The lights, these UV lights they installed, when they turn them on like this...let's just say it's unpleasant. Just another tool to keep me in my place.

LEE
I guess that means our time is up.

PAMELA
Hey, when you leave here, do me a favor.

LEE
Sure, anything.

PAMELA
Go to Robinson Park tomorrow. The night jasmine should be blooming, it'll smell wonderful.

LEE
I'll do that.

PAMELA
And whatever you do, don't pick the flowers. I'll know.

Chapter Text

LEE
I'm breaking the rules here, my own rules, but still. I'm recording this before I've done the interview. I can't help it, I'm just too excited!

LEE
Listen, I've got a confession to make. When I first started out, I said that I didn't have a favorite, that I didn't have a wish list. That's not true. I have a favorite and a wish list, only mine has one name on it. And today I get to meet him. The Joker.

LEE
I know, right?! I found out he was here through...alternate means. They don't like the general staff to know when he's in the building. Vacation and sick days tend to be used at the same time. They have him in an isolated wing with a dedicated support crew. Regular rotating shifts, buddy system, complex password call and response, everything they can think of.

LEE
And he's here. In the building. And Professor Strange says I can have a few minutes with him. Apparently, there's a week long training course along with full psyche eval that goes along with joining that crew. But he waved all of that for me. He must have really liked what he read in my notes. I think he's got a soft spot for me.

LEE
But back to him: the Clown Prince of Crime. Here's what they don't tell you on the news: he's actually pretty handsome. I know, there's the clown thing. People get all freaked out about that, but it's not like Scarecow where he puts on his costume. He had an accident that made him look like that. If you can get past the hair and the skin, he's pretty striking. I'm just saying.

LEE
Come on, focus girl! What do I say to him? I was trying to write down questions, but I kept getting stuck. This is like interviewing Elvis in his prime. What could I possibly ask that won't make me sound stupid? OK, no more waiting around. It's showtime.

THE LOONEY BIN

JOE
I've got this song stuck in my head and I just can't get it out. I goes "dum da dee da dum dum da dee", what were the words? Do you know it?

LEE
I don't.

JOE
It's driving me crazy. What is it?

LEE
Mister...I mean...I don't know what I should call you.

JOE
Anything, just not late for dinner! Ha! Are you the new nurse? Because that last cocktail you concocted was a utter failure. I was up the whole night clawing at the walls while screaming.

LEE
That's terrible.

JOE
It's what I planned to do anyway, but I just didn't get the same zing as I usually do. So right arm or left, or are we going to try the buttocks this time? What do you say, feeling cheeky?

LEE
No, I'm not a nurse. I'm a journalist, I'm writing a book about...people like you.

JOE
Oh honey, come now. There's no people like me. And if there was, I'd've killed them already.

LEE
Ha! Professor Strange said he told you about me, what I'm trying to do.

JOE
Oh he probably did, to be honest I just tune out when ol' neckbeard starts talking. Blah blah, you musn't hurt the staff, blah blah, show remorse for your actions, blah blah, what did you do with the nurse'scat?! But a book you say. I heard print was dead, and if it isn't, just leave it in the room with me for a few minutes.

LEE
I'm trying to understand-

JOE
Aren't we all? But I've learned understanding doesn't really help at all, it just shows the problems in stark relief. Better to enjoy the mess, revel in the confusion. The colors are brighter when they give you a headache.

LEE
I've been speaking to supervillains, all of these colorful criminals, trying to see their point of view, to learn why it is they do what they do.

JOE
You want to know why I am the way that I am? To see the world like I do?

LEE
I wouldn't put it like that, it's more that I want to know how you see things, why you do what you do.

JOE
Oh I have no idea. I don't like plans, or is it that I like plans too much? I change plans all the time, but only when the plans start to smell. You know what they say, men plan and the Joker laughs. Ha ha ha!

LEE
I don't think that's how it goes, but I like that version better.

JOE
Sorry sweetheart, you'll get no woe is me outta me. I'm of the antic disposition mindset.

LEE
But you know a hawk from a handsaw?

JOE
I've used the one on the other and...hey I see what you did there. Trading repartee with a pretty smart thing? And I thought tapioca pudding at lunch would be the highlight of my day.

LEE
Oh, gee, thanks Mister Joker.

JOE
It's just Joker. I leave the Mister for those cowering in fear before me. So it's to be a war of words between us. What can I tell you? About daddy and his belt buckle? Maybe about the junkie gone down the wrong path? Oh, how about the sweet little woman and child who waited at home, but then the man of the house wasn't the one who knocked on the door.

LEE
Are any of those true?

JOE
Maybe all of them. Maybe none. No, I think I'd rather pitch you a movie.

LEE
A movie? Really?

JOE
You'll like it. It's an epic saga, a true crime story for the ages. Imagine a world where the streets are patrolled by a man dressed up like a small rodent. Maybe a vole. Or a meerkat.

LEE
Or a bat.

JOE
Did I say this was a comedy? Who in their right mind would be afraid of guy dressed like a mouse with a hanglider? So this guy's out night after night beating up mobsters and lowlifes, all broken noses and penchants for pastas.

LEE
But that's not enough for the masses.

JOE
That's right, too much bread not enough circuses. Soon the crazies start showing up, people obsessed with riddles or cats.

LEE
Or the number two.

JOE
Collectors of out of print currency: beware!

LEE
And that's when our hero arrives!

JOE
Not just yet. But things change when the clown steps into the center ring. It's a ballgame of a different color. Everything is brighter, stranger, more exciting. Hamsterman, that's what we're calling him, is bigger than ever, but has to share the spotlight.

LEE
He doesn't like that, does he?

JOE
Not in the least. And in an epic tantrum during a wonderous caper, he kills the clown. Dead in his hamster fur gloves.

LEE
Oh no.

JOE
But the show must go on. Hamsterman realizes he still needs a foil, a nemesis, a patsy.

LEE
Enter our hero.

JOE
Now, you're getting it. Let's call him Joe. He's a kid from the wrong side of the tracks, maybe he's in over his head with the wrong people and needs to disappear. But he's smart, good in front of a crowd and too stupid to know when he's over his head.

LEE
An accord is struck.

JOE
Joe takes over for this clown. He romps, he cavorts, he gives good speeches. In return, he's taken care of, financed and most of the punches get pulled. Most of them.

LEE
But something goes wrong.

JOE
Doesn't it always? He's too good at the job. He's outshining the amazing Hamster, which makes him angry. But that's not the worst of it.

LEE
What's the worst of it?

JOE
He can't tell anyone. He's long past running for his own crimes, now he's inherited the litany of sins from his predecessor.

LEE
Wait a minute.

JOE
And the worst part about it, the crazy clown is part of his schtick. Of course he'd lie about something like this. Of course he'd pretend not to know what he'd done before. He's crazy, right?!

LEE
Joker, wait.

JOE
And then AND THEN, he finds out the worst part, he wasn't the second guy, he was just the next guy. How many had there been? How many would there be after he's been yanked off stage?

LEE
I need to ask you-

JOE
But who would speak up against Hamsterman? He's the good guy, the righteous, he'd never do such a terrible thing? Good guy good! Bad guy bad! Punch him harder Hamsterman! Dangle him from the top of a tall building! Drag him behind the Hamstermobile! He deserves it for all the thing he's done. Right? RIGHT? RIGHT!?

LEE
How does it end?

JOE
That's the twist, my dear. It never ends. It never ever ever EVER ends. It just repeats. I'm starting to think I was right about the tapioca pudding.

LEE
Joker, Joe, I don't know what to say.

JOE
So what do you think? Is it a greenlight on the picture?

LEE
What?

JOE
The movie, sweetie. I've been practicing my pitch, it's not quite elevator length, but I'm getting there.

LEE
Is any of that true?

JOE
Probably. Maybe. I mean, it's a story. So parts of it have to be true or else no one will buy it. Write what you know, as they say.

LEE
If you are trapped-

JOE
And what rough beast slouches through my chamber door. This must be the new nurse. And to think I mistook you for her. Or is it him? Honestly, in those scrubs, who can tell? And really, who cares? It's all the same in the deep down dark.

LEE
Please, I need just a little more time.

JOE
The esteemed Professor Strange prides himself on his scheduling. And I've got an appointment with 20 cc's.

LEE
If what you are telling me is true, I can help you.

JOE
Ha! Now that's funny. It's a Merry Go Round, my dear, and that music is still a'playin'! You can only get off when the ride stops. Otherwise you might get hurt.

LEE
I have so much I want to ask.

JOE
It's all a joke, don't you see? All of it? You, here. Me with a needle in my arm that I didn't put there. A man dressed up as a bat. It's all funny, so damned funny! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Chapter Text

LEE
I was wrong. Wrong about everything. And it's over.

LEE
The book is dead. It's never coming out. I wiped my hard drive, deleted the back ups and set my notebooks on fire. I was an idiot, and I can't release my idiocy on the world.

LEE
I've been so naive. I had this great opportunity and I squandered it. I got the chance to travel around the country and meet the most interesting people and ask them the dumbest questions. What was wrong with me? I was treating them like reality TV stars or failed pop stars. But these people are so much more than that.

LEE
They are beyond what we understand now, their psyches don't have a classification. How can we begin to help them if we don't even understand their situation? Here I was, trying to use these poor, misunderstood people to further my own career? To make me famous? How sick am I? How sick are you for listening to me?

LEE
I know what you're saying, that I got my head all twisted around by the Joker. But listen for a minute. The way I see it, there are only two possibilities. One, he was telling me the truth and the poor man is caught up in the gears of a sick machine, and no one will help to release him from it. Or secondly, he believes that story, and is still a victim wrapped up in a persecution complex that we can barely understand. Either way, he's trapped. No one will help him. No one's helping any of them.

LEE
So the book is dead. Stupid pop psych crap. There's real work to be done, and no one seems to be stepping up to do anything. Lex Luthor, parading around bragging about all the ways he's come up with to lock people away. Professor Strange, using these poor people like they were lab rats, testing, experimenting, but never trying to cure them. These are the first casualty of the Batman's war, and no one is stepping up. So I will.

LEE
I'm stopping all this, the book, the tour, these recordings. I'm heading back to school. I'm going to finally finish my doctorate and then I'm coming back to Arkham. I'm going to make a difference, I'm going to help him- help them. No matter the cost. This is Harleen Quinzel, signing off. But you haven't heard the last of me.