Archive of Our Own ^beta

Merlin and Arthur were currently in the prince's chambers, arguing. Which, on most days, was completely normal. They did it all the time over just about anything, after all. But this argument was a bit different, to say the least.

"I can't tell you," Merlin muttered, eyes downcast.

"What are you talking about? Of course you can. Move your mouth and make sounds, Merlin, it's not that hard."

"No, I mean I really can't. You wouldn't understand," he said the last part under his breath, but that didn't stop it from being heard.

Confusion set upon Arthur's face. "What does that mean?" he demanded.

"Don't, please. Just leave it alone," Merlin pleaded, trembling.

"Oh for god's sake, Merlin! Just tell me!" Arthur's frustration was apparent, his eyebrows furrowed and his fists clenched at his sides.

"Please."

To Arthur's horror, tears formed in the smaller man's eyes, and began to pour down his cheeks. Arthur immediately made his way toward him, momentarily letting go of anger in favor of concern. He cupped the dark haired boy's face, and met his tired eyes.

"I promise you," he said just above a whisper, "that whatever this is, whatever is bothering you so much, we can work it out. I swear to you, Merlin."

"You'll hate me."

"I won't."

"And how can you promise that? How do I know if I can trust you?" Merlin raised his voice. And, okay, that hurt. Merlin couldn't trust him? Ouch. But Arthur couldn't think of that right now.

"You'll just have to take my word, I suppose," Arthur's mouth was set in a thin line as he tried to convince his manservant. He couldn't promise he wouldn't be mad, but he could swear on his life that he wouldn't hate him, at least. He could never hate Merlin.

A weary glance was cast his way, and the empty look in the young warlock's eyes seemed to send daggers through the prince's heart.

Merlin knew this day would come eventually. Arthur would see something, or hear something, or just sit down to think one day, and he would realize that there were a ton of things in his life that just didn't make sense. And he would ask Merlin. Of course he would. And, of course, Merlin, who was never good at coming up with excuses on the spot, would hesitate on his reply for one moment too long, and, of course, Arthur would notice, and of course he would question him further, looking at him with those expectant, curious, almost knowing eyes, and... Merlin couldn't take it.

He knew this day would come. It was inevitable. He just didn't know it would come now of all times. Not that any other time would have been better, but... why now? Couldn't Arthur have waited to notice something was up?

What was he supposed to do now? How is he supposed to fulfill his destiny if he gets killed (he doesn't use the word executed, it's bad enough to die, but even worse to die in a courtyard full of people) before he could get the chance? He wondered vaguely if he should try to escape. He could escape using magic if he wanted, and never be found. But he knew that would only make things worse. make him look guilty. And if he was to never see his friends in Camelot again (because he wouldn't be able to come back, that's just not an option), never see Arthur again... He doesn't want them to remember him like that. like the guilty, evil sorcerer he knew he wasn't. He would rather die.

"―erlin? Merlin!" Oh, that was Arthur. Merlin had almost forgotten he was here.

"I'm so sorry, Arthur, so sorry," he said. And oh god, this was it. He couldn't breathe.

"Merlin, it's okay. Hey, hey, Merlin, breathe. Breathe, Merlin. You need to do that if you want to live."

"Live?" Merlin laughed, a horrible, insane laugh of a man who had all but given up, apparently. "I'm going to die anyway, why does it matter how I go?" Better to die through lack of oxygen than burning, he thought.

Arthur looked shocked. "What the hell, Merlin?"

"I'm going to die. If I tell you, I mean. You still want me to tell you, right?" His eyes were starting to hurt from crying. Come to think of it, so was his head. But maybe that's just from the air deprivation.

"What I want, you idiot, is for you to breathe! You're not dying, do you hear me? Not now, not anytime soon, you're not, so stop it!" The prince didn't know what to think. Here he was, on the floor (when did they sit down?), with a manservant who, if Arthur didn't know any better, he would say was suicidal.

Merlin let out another heart-wrenching sob. Arthur really wasn't letting this go, was he? He was going to make Merlin confess. This sucked.

"Merlin, I want you to listen to me," Arthur began, turning Merlin's face to look at him. "When I first met you, I didn't like you. Not one bit, quite honestly. You couldn't do your job right, and you were always mouthing back at me," this elicited a small laugh from Merlin, "and I was betting you would be sacked and out of there within the first week. But I never fired you, and do you know why? I never fired you because, believe it or not, I warmed up to you. Became fond of you, even. Of course, you were still terrible, but I grew accustomed to having you around. And the past few years you have taught me things, Merlin. Things I wasn't aware of back then. You taught me how to be brave. You taught me friendship, loyalty, love, and, as impossible as it may seem, you taught me wisdom. And I can never thank you enough for that. Even now, I'm still learning from you. And you... you're important to me, Merlin. I don't ever want you to think otherwise. I've convinced myself that you belong by my side, and that won't change, no matter what. I will make sure of it. So please, Merlin. Drop the act, and tell me. I'll still look at you the same. I promise."

...Jesus. What was Merlin supposed to say to that? A fresh wave of tears came to his eyes as he stared into Arthur's eyes, stunned. What room had that left for argument? None, quite frankly.

He took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself (which didn't really do anything, it's not like you can prepare yourself for something like this), and...

"I have magic."

The world stopped.

The expressions that Arthur kept switching between made Merlin feel both relieved, but also scared as hell. There was confusion, then anger, then disappointment (that killed him inside), then realization, then... well, he couldn't really tell what that one was, but it wasn't a negative emotion, at least, and Merlin thanked the gods for that.

Arthur's mouth opened and closed as he tried to form a response. Merlin waited patiently, not daring to speak. Arthur looked down, then up at Merlin, then down again, then up... and Merlin could see the struggle that was going on in his mind through his eyes.

Merlin prepared himself for the worst response by default. He forced himself not to expect the best automatically, because the chances of acceptance were slim, in his eyes.

Merlin was torn from his thoughts as he was engulfed in a hug, which almost knocked both of them over. Now it was Merlin's turn to be confused.

He hugged back, wrapping his bony arms around the larger man, but he couldn't stop the words from exiting his mouth as he breathed, "What the hell, Arthur?" And, wow, there seemed to be a lot of what the hell's today, huh? Not that they weren't justified, of course.

"You idiot," Arthur whispered, and there was a thickness in his voice as he said it. He pulled back, and only then did Merlin realize the prince was crying. The tears weren't sad, though. They were simply tears of relief. His expression, however, was one of anger, and that scared Merlin half to death.

"Arthur, I―"

"How could you?!" Arthur yelled, but there was no venom in his voice. "You made me think the worst! I thought something had happened, or you were in trouble with someone, or dying, or... just... gods Merlin, never do that again!" He pulled Merlin into another crushing embrace.

"Y-you mean you're not mad?!" Merlin's eyes widened as he hugged back once more, head falling upon the prince's shoulder.

"Oh, I'm mad, believe me," Arthur sighed into Merlin's hair, "but only because you kept it from me. I'm not inclined to believe you're an evil sorcerer, or anything, no. If you were planning to kill me or destroy Camelot, you would have done it ages ago. You're not evil, by any means. You're just Merlin, my idiot manservant. I don't think you could be evil if you tried."

"Hey, I could be if I wanted to," Merlin declared with an offended pout, and Arthur all but cackled. Merlin joined him, laughing a real, genuine, carefree laugh for the first time in what seemed like forever.

As the room quieted, the two held onto each other tighter. The silence lasted for minutes. It was a comfortable silence, which both of them were thankful for.

When they finally pulled away, Arthur was the first to stand. He grabbed Merlin by his hands, pulling him up as well, and didn't let go once the warlock was standing, wanting to remain close. Their eyes locked, and both of their gazes softened as they took in the other.

"I take it you won't be telling your father, then?" Merlin inquired quietly, grinning. It was meant as a joke. Merlin knew that Arthur wouldn't tell uther, but still...

Arthur's face hardened at this. "You'll be free, one day. As soon as I am king, the ban will be lifted. You won't have to live with the burden of keeping this a secret anymore."

Merlin squeezed his hands, acknowledging the promise. Arthur nodded once, finalizing the statement. Their hands finally dropped, along with the stares they had been holding,and they both backed away slightly, laughing. It wasn't awkward laughter, though. It was normal. It was nice.

Suddenly, Merlin stopped, becoming serious. He looked up at Arthur.

"Thank you," Merlin said. "I mean it, Arthur. thank you. so much."

Arthur smiled. "Don't thank me, Merlin. Not yet. Actually, I should be thanking you. You've probably saved my life many times."

"Oh, you have no idea," Merlin stressed.

Arthur laughed a little before continuing, "I also want to thank you for trusting me enough to tell me. Especially with me being the king's son, of all people. That was probably... hard for you, to say the least. I understand why you kept it from me for as long as you did," Arthur finished, nodding to himself slightly.

"I do trust you, Arthur. I know it sounded like I didn't before, and I'm sorry for that. But I do trust you. More than anyone."

"It's alright. You had good reason, after all. I'm sure that if I was in your position, I wouldn't have trusted me, either."

Merlin nodded a little, lips twitching into a small smile. And there was that comfortable silence again.

Merlin couldn't stop his thoughts from racing. He had finally told Arthur. He couldn't believe it. For years, he had been afraid of revealing his biggest secret, which could potentially get him killed, and now... he had told Arthur. And it had gone well, too. Maybe the gods were on his side, for once.

Arthur finally broke the silence, looking at Merlin as he spoke.

"No more secrets, okay? Promise me, Merlin," he said, his voice lingering on the name for a split second.

"I promise," Merlin responded honestly.

And so, Arthur and Merlin stood there. Right next to each other they stood, just as it should be, and just as it always would be, until the end.

And they were happy with that.