Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chaewon gets the news on Le Sserafim’s six year anniversary.

They’re at the height of their careers as idols, famous in Korea, Japan, the US, Canada, and even Denmark. It’s awesome and Chaewon feels like she’s on top of the world.

Until, CEO Park calls her into his office for an urgent meeting.

HYBE, after buying every single other kpop company to ever exist, including starshit and cube, has become a fucking empire. The main building has over 100 floors, and CEO Park’s office takes up the entire top one. Chaewon has a sneaking suspicion he literally lives up there, because the elevator only goes up to the 114th floor, and there are still 11 flights of stairs you have to go up to reach it.

After the painfully long walk, Chaewon finally reaches CEO Park’s office. She barely even knocks on the door, before it’s quickly swung open by her manager, Son Seungwan, who, after HYBE disbanded Red Velvet, was blackmailed into becoming a manager for Le Sserafim.

“Finally. It took you long enough,” Seungwan says, glaring at Chaewon. Oh, and because of general animosity from being blackmailed by the biggest kpop company in the world, Seungwan hates every idol who debuted under HYBE originally.

“Thanks, Seungwan,” Chaewon says, intentionally leaving out the unnie because she won’t be respectful unless she’s respected first. She shoves past Seungwan and walks into CEO Park’s giant (and definitely over the top) office. The massive golden statue of CEO Park (which is just a shitty copy of Michelangelo’s David) sparkles in the sunlight, just having been polished by the elite HYBE janitor team, Mamamoo.

Seungwan glares even harder at Chaewon, if that’s even possible, then scoffs. “You know, I was really starting to feel a little bad for you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Chaewon asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You’ll see.” Seungwan snickers, then marches off to CEO Park’s desk.

CEO Park, in all his glory, is sitting at his desk eating some frosted flakes while talking to Mamamoo. “You ladies did an excellent job polishing my statue! Now do you see why being the elite HYBE janitor force is the right job for you?”

“Honestly, sir, we really don’t,” Yongsun says.

Byulyi, Wheein, and Hyuna nod.

“And, we really don’t like the fact that you replaced Hwasa with Hyuna right after she mysteriously went missing,” Wheein adds, glaring at the CEO. “We didn’t even have time to grieve before you hired a replacement.”

CEO Park dismissively waves a hand. “Don’t worry about Hwasa, girls. You guys are way better off without her anyway! Besides, isn’t Hyuna way cooler than her?”

“No! Hwasa was literally my girlfriend, I am literally heartbroken!” Wheein shouts.

“Ah, whatever, you’ll get over it eventually,” CEO Park says, then turns his attention to Seungwan and Chaewon. “Ah, ladies! There you are! Mamamoo, would you please leave us?”

All the Mamamoo members nod and shuffle out of the room, dragging their HYBE issued janitor mops behind them.

Once they’re gone, CEO Park turns to Chaewon with a grim expression. “Kim Chaewon-ssi, I have some bad news…”

Bad news? How the hell does CEO Park have bad news on Le Sserafim’s 6th anniversary!? They’re literally the most successful Kpop group ever! Even more successful than BTS, who disbanded a year prior and went off to form a comune in the mountains of Nepal!

“What is it?” Chaewon asks nervously.

CEO Park glances at Seungwan before heaving a sigh. “Well, you see, you’ve done a lot of good work over the course of your time at HYBE.”

Oh nah… Chaewon does not like where this conversation is going. Reminiscing about all the good work she’s done in the past and the fact that Seungwan won’t stop snickering is making Chaewon even more suspicious.

“And, honestly, we appreciate everything you’ve done, right Wend- I mean Seungwan,” CEO Park continues.

“I certainly don’t,” Seungwan mutters.

“So, it’s really hard to say this but, your services are no longer needed at our company,” CEO Park says. “We’ve been looking at recent popularity pollings for Le Sserafim and you’ve been falling behind. Like, even Eunchae, who was least popular last year is ahead of you popularity wise by 23%. And, as you know, HYBE has no place for unpopular, unattractive uglies, so, what I’m trying to get at is, you’re fired and we’re replacing you with our best soloist Karina. Face it, Chaewon, the Iz*One hype is gone and, honestly, that was all that was keeping you popular.”

What. The. Fuck.

Chaewon’s jaw drops. There’s no fucking way this is real.

“I’m fired!? Just like that!? But I’m the leader! And Sakura was in Iz*One too! Why am I the only one getting fired???” Chaewon shouts, staring at the CEO in shock.

“Sakura-ssi has managed to become popular without relying on her old Iz*One persona,” CEO Park says, rolling his eyes like that should’ve been obvious. “You, on the other hand, haven’t done anything to change. You’re just the same old boring Chaewon you were in Iz*One.”

“Yeah, no wonder they had to rig you into that stupid group anyway,” Seungwan adds.

Oh HELL nah. Seungwan can insult literally anything about Chaewon, hell, she’s not even upset about the comment about being rigged into Iz*One! But insulting Iz*One? The group that was probably the closest Chaewon had to family. Nah. That’s not gonna slide. And, because she’s fired, Chaewon can finally release all the hatred for Seungwan she kept bottled up for two years.

“FUCK YOU!” Chaewon screams and lunges at the shorter girl. “Y-you are such a bitch! I mean, I didn’t even do anything to you and you’ve been nothing but mean to me! And I took it! I really did but insulting my old group is going too far. You’re just mad we were more successful than your old ass ever was!”

Chaewon punctuates every sentence with a hard punch to Seungwan’s nose. It’s probably broken by this point, but that’s fine because she can just get another nose job to fix it.

“KIM CHAEWON. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT NOW,” CEO Park screams. He presses the big red button on his desk. “SECURITY! GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW, KIM CHAEWON-SSI IS BEATING UP HER MANAGER!”

Oh fuck, Chaewon definitely can’t win in a fight against all 50 of the NCT subunit, NCT Security, members. She quickly stops beating the fuck out of Seungwan and stands up. “Don’t bother. I’m leaving,” she says, then storms out of CEO Park’s office.

///

“And that’s what happened,” Chaewon says, turning away from the window she was dramatically looking out of so she can face her members.

“Ohmigosh, unnie, that must’ve been awful,” Eunchae says, looking close to tears.

“How could they just kick you out like that!?” Yunjin shouts. “You’re our leader! Y-you’re the reason why we’re so successful, HYBE can’t just kick you out!”

“Yeah, well, now Karina’s gonna be your leader,” Chaewon mutters bitterly. She holds up a t-shirt Kazuha bought her in LA during the group’s first world tour. She hesitates, then places it into her suitcase.

“At least our manager from hell finally got what she deserved,” Sakura says.

“But at what cost!?” Kazuha wails. “Chaewon-unnie got fired! We’re literally never gonna see her ever again!”

“That’s not true, Kazuha,” Chaewon says quickly, while rolling up a pair of socks. “I’ll be sure to go to all of your concerts and fansigns! And you guys can visit me at home!”

Yunjin hands Chaewon a pair of shorts and sighs. “It won’t be the same, unnie. You know that.”

Chaewon silently folds the shorts and places them in her suitcase. Honestly, she really doesn’t want to leave. And Yunjin is right- it won’t be the same. Even if Chaewon’s out there in the crowd cheering on her members, some small part of her will be wishing she was up there with them. But, Chaewon is their fearless leader first, so she buries those thoughts and looks up from her suitcase with a smile. “That’s not true, Yunjin! Even if we’re not performing together, I’ll always be cheering you guys on!”

As soon as Chaewon says that, Eunchae bursts into tears and drops to the floor. “UNNIE! I DUNNO WHAT WE’LL DO WITHOUT YOU!” She screeches, grabbing onto the leg of Chaewon’s pants. “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE!”

“I’m sorry, Manchae, but I have to. I start at my new job tomorrow and I need to get everything ready in my new apartment before then,” Chaewon says.

“You heard Chaewon!” Sakura shouts. “Now all of you get out of here. I have to talk to her alone.”

Once the younger members leave Chaewon’s soon to be former room, Sakura awkwardly places a hand on her coworker's shoulder. "I know we aren't the closest, but, I'm really going to miss you, Chaewon. I mean, I've never even imagined what life as an idol would be like without you. I guess I always thought we'd be together for the rest of our careers or something.”

“I... think I'm gonna miss you too, unnie,” Chaewon says.

“That means a lot, Chaewon. I'm sorry we never really that close- I feel like it's all my fault." Sakura sighs and looks away from Chaewon. “Now hurry up and leave before I start crying.”

Chaewon nods and walks over to the door. She places her hand on the knob, but doesn’t turn it. “Sakura, you’ll take care of the other members for me, right?”

“Of course I will, stupid,” Sakura says, sounding like she’s close to tears. “I’ve been doing that since we first debuted. I mean, all our cringy fans stereotype me as the motherly type anyway.”

“Thanks,” Chaewon says, then walks out of her Le Sserafim dorm bedroom for the last time.

///

Chaewon ends up moving in with Minju after a week of staying at her new apartment. For one thing, it was way too far from her boring desk job at Bae Pharmaceuticals. And, it was leaky, cold, and smelled like feet no matter how many scented candles Chaewon lit. The worst thing though, was that it was lonely. Chaewon must’ve gotten so used to living with other people that staying in an apartment all by herself was unbelievably lonely. So, she did the only thing she could think of: move in with Minju.

“I’m really happy we’re living together again, Chaewon-unnie, but you don’t need to spend every second attached to my hip,” Minju says, attempting to push a shopping cart while Chaewon clings to her. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“I think I’ve been having separation issues ever since I got kicked out,” Chaewon admits, pressing herself even closer to Minju.

“Yeah, and that sucks, but it doesn’t mean you have to cling to me when we’re in a supermarket.” Minju grabs a can of tomato soup from one of the shelves and puts it in the cart. “Now let go so I can actually push this.”

Chaewon begrudgingly lets go of Minju and trails behind her as they continue shopping. Occasionally, Minju asks Chaewon’s opinion on something she picks up, usually produce, but most of their time in the supermarket is spent in silence.

When Minju finishes buying everything she needs for the next two weeks, she heads to the checkout. Chaewon, not wanting to be recognized by a nosey cashier, pulls her New York Yankees cap even further down and tugs up her mask too for good measure.

“Your total is 100,000 won,” the cashier says. “Are you paying with cash or card?”

“Card,” Minju says. She fumbles with her wallet for a second, before pulling out her credit card and swiping it.

“Would you like a bag for everything?” The cashier asks. “Since our store’s new zero-waste policy just started, we sell reusable bags for 5,000 won.”

Minju turns to Chaewon and nudges her. “Did you bring the reusable bags like I told you to?”

“I left them in the car,” Chaewon mumbles.

“Of course you did,” Minju says, then turns back to the cashier. “I’m so sorry about my friend. She’s been depressed, and honestly useless, ever since she got kicked out of her kpop group. She had it coming though- I told her she’d be better off being an actor.”

The cashier turns away from the register to focus her attention on Chaewon. She squints a bit, then her eyes light up. “Oh my God, is that Kim Chaewon!?”

“No,” Chaewon says quickly.

“You so are!” The cashier shouts. “Wow, this is crazy! I mean, I was such a big fan! I can’t believe you’re still alive since some people were theorizing HYBE killed you after you got fired! I mean, it’s been like, three months since anyone’s seen you!”

“I got a desk job,” Chaewon says with a shrug.

“That explains it,” the cashier says. She grabs two reusable bags and quickly starts bagging Minju’s groceries. “Hey, lady, don’t worry about paying for the bags. You can have ‘em for free. Seriously, wow, Kim Chaewon. At my register! Nobody’s gonna believe it!”

“Thanks for the free bags!” Minju exclaims once the cashier is done bagging the groceries.

When the two girls return to Minju’s apartment, Chaewon throws herself onto the couch instead of helping Minju put away the groceries like a good roommate does. Fuck this shit. She’s done wallowing in her misery. Like, that random cashier is literally proof Chaewon still has fans out there! Instead of letting HYBE win and spending the rest of her life depressed with a boring ass desk job at Bae Pharmaceuticals, she should just debut again! Yeah, that’s it, she’ll start her own company and start fresh!

“Minju, I just had the BEST idea ever,” Chaewon screeches, jumping up from the couch.

“Oh great,” Minju says. She finishes putting the vegetables in her fridge, before walking into the living room. “I can’t wait to hear about this genius idea that’s suddenly made you less depressed. It better be good or you’re paying for our groceries for the next three months.”

“I should make my own Kpop company!” Chaewon shouts. “I can debut again and be the most famous, most popular idol ever! Then, once my company makes millions, HYBE will come crawling back begging to buy it from me!”

Minju blinks. She stares at Chaewon silently for a good thirty seconds. Then, after the most awkward staring contest Chaewon’s ever had, Minju says, “Chaewon-unnie, go back to lying down on that couch. That is the stupidest idea I have ever heard from you.”

“What do you mean!? It’s literally genius!”

“In most cases, I wouldn’t even bother explaining how fucking stupid this whole plan of yours is, but it’s clear you need a reality check. First of all, you are broke. You have NO money. How the fuck are you just gonna start a new company all by yourself? Second of all, you will never succeed as a soloist! And even if you did somehow succeed and start a new company, HYBE would just send an assassin after you and kill you! That’s literally how they took over JYPE! They killed JYP’s ass!” Minju shouts.

Oh. Chaewon collapses back onto the couch. Great, now she’s even more depressed than she was before. “Gimme my phone,” Chaewon says.

“Why?” Minju asks. “You know I only confiscated it so you’d stop stalking Kazuha’s instagram at 3 AM while sobbing.”

“I need to see if Kazuha left me any voicemails,” Chaewon says because she’s pathetic like that.

“No, what you need is to see a fucking therapist,” Minju says, then a smirk slowly spreads across her face. “And I know the perfect therapist for you!”

///

Kim Jiwoo, formerly known as Chuu, sacrificed her entire Kpop career for her true passion: therapy. She quit making music and went back to college in order to get her degree. Then, after four years of dedication to the craft, Jiwoo graduated from SNU with her degree in social work.

When Chaewon enters Jiwoo’s office for the first time, the first thing she notices is the fabled SNU degree itself hanging above Jiwoo’s desk.

“You must be Chaewon,” Jiwoo says, grabbing Chaewon’s hand. She pumps it up and down a couple of times, then lets it go. She gestures to the couch in the center of the room. “Take a seat, we have much to discuss.”

“Uh, okay…” Chaewon sits down on the aforementioned couch.

“So, Chaewon, do you know why you’re here today?” Jiwoo asks.

“Yeah, Minju signed me up for your stupid therapy because she thinks I’m too depressed to function, which is fair,” Chaewon says. “I mean, all I do every day is wallow in my misery, go to work, then go home to wallow in my misery some more.”

Jiwoo nods sympathetically. “I get it Chaewon, I really do. I’ve been where you are before. Back when I got kicked out of Loona, I thought I’d never get my life together. But look where I am now! A licensed therapist helping people who are in the same place I once was! I think, instead of thinking of all the things you miss from the past, you should instead focus on things you can do in the future.”

Okay, this confirms it- Jiwoo doesn’t get it. She thinks she gets it because of some shit she went through five years ago, but she doesn’t really. Chaewon can’t just move ahead with her life and leave Kpop behind- her entire life is literally Kpop!

“I can tell you’re a little hesitant about this,” Jiwoo says, seeming to sense Chaewon’s discomfort. “And I totally understand. I just think the most important step in your recovery is understanding that you will always have people around who support you. Like your former members!”

“I haven’t talked to them in months,” Chaewon mutters.

“Why not?” Jiwoo asks.

“Because it sucks, okay! I told them I’d go to all their concerts or whatever, but I just can’t! It’s awful watching them performing with some other bitch in MY spot! I’m their leader and they promised they’d never move on, but it’s starting to feel like they already have,” Chaewon shouts.

Wait a second… This is the first time she’s been honest about her feelings in the entire fic! Man, Jiwoo must be really good at therapy.

“Do you feel better after getting that off your chest?” Jiwoo asks.

“No, not really. In fact, I feel even worse! I wish I never even came here! I wish Minju would just let me go through with my plan of debuting again so I could get revenge on HYBE for kicking me out! Or, even better, let me reunite Iz*One to save Kpop once and for all!”

“Hold up,” Jiwoo says, her eyes beginning to widen, “did you just say you wanted to reunite Iz*One?”

“Yeah! And then Minju thought I was crazy because she sent me to your stupid fucking therapy instead of agreeing with my genius plan! Well, I mean, I did just come up with the reuniting Iz*One part now, but still!”

“WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE SEND YOU HERE!?” Jiwoo screeches. “YOUR PLAN IS LITERALLY GENIUS. The return of Iz*One would literally save the world!”

“That’s what I’m saying!”

“Then why the fuck are you still in here?” Jiwoo shouts. “Get out and go reunite Iz*One! That’ll do you way more good than my stupid therapy will!”

And so, Chaewon rushes out of Jiwoo’s office. She runs through the streets of Seoul without a destination for what feels like hours, until she sees a familiar face sobbing on the side of the road.

Choi Yena, the biggest flop under HYBE, is sitting on the side of the road straight up sobbing. She doesn’t even care that like 30 people have stopped to watch her, she just keeps on crying. Chaewon pulls her Yankees hat further down so no one in the crowd recognizes her and sits down next to Yena.

“Hey, girl, you okay?” Chaewon asks.

“Leave me alone,” Yena sobs. “I don’t wanna talk to anyone right now! I hate life! I wish climate change would hurry its ass up and destroy the entire world!”

Oh shit. Whatever happened to Yena must’ve been crazy bad if Miss. Smiley wanted the entire world to be destroyed by climate change. So, Chaewon does the only thing she can do. She turns to the crowd and says, “sorry about my friend. Her grandma just died. You guys can go to work or something!”

The crowd slowly begins to disperse. One especially nice young woman puts a hand on Yena’s shoulder and whispers “sorry about your grandma” before walking off. Once everyone is gone, Chaewon turns her attention back to her old bandmate.

“Yena-unnie, it’s been forever! How are you?” Chaewon asks.

Yena pulls a handkerchief out of her pocket and dabs at her cheeks. She turns to look at Chaewon and frowns. “I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

“Obviously…? It’s me Ch-” Oh wait, Chaewon knows why Yena doesn’t recognize her. She’s wearing her Yankees hat! She pulls the baseball cap off her head and watches Yena’s eyes light up with recognition.

“Chaewon!? What are you doing here? I thought HYBE killed your ass after they kicked you out of Le Sserafim,” Yena exclaims.

“Why the hell does everyone- you know what, I’m not even gonna ask.” Chaewon shakes her head. “But back to you. Why are you crying on the side of the road? You could’ve been recognized and then who knows what kind of rumors would spread!”

“As if.” Yena blows her nose into her handkerchief. “You must’ve been seriously offline these past few months if you don’t know. As of last month, I’m officially the biggest flop under HYBE. They’re gonna fire me any day now. And, to make matters worse, Chaeyeon broke up with me because she didn’t want to be seen in public dating a flop!”

Chaewon gasps. She quickly pulls Yena into a hug and gently pats her on the back. “Oh my gosh, unnie! I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.”

Yena sobs loudly into Chaewon’s shoulder and just barely manages to choke out, “I’m like, totally over it now. I mean, Chaeyeon was the worst girlfriend ever. In fact, I’ll even go as far as to say I’m happy we broke up!”

Now, obviously, Yena is not happy they broke up. Chaewon can tell because one of the people watching Yena cry on the side of the road had mentioned he’d been there for two hours. But, since Chaewon’s a good friend, she just hums sympathetically and doesn’t bring that up.

Finally, after what feels like another hour, Yena stops crying. She hesitantly lifts her head off Chaewon’s shoulder and frowns at the massive wet patch her tears left there. “Sorry…” she mumbles.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” Chaewon says.

“So, like, what’re you even doing here?” Yena asks.

“Well, I just finished my first therapy session with that girl who used to be in Loona, Cho or something like that, and I had a genius idea. I’m gonna get Iz*One back together so we can destroy HYBE’s evil monopoly on the Kpop industry and save the world!” Chaewon explains.

“You… wanna get Iz*One back together?” Yena stares at Chaewon in shock. “That’ll never happen! I mean, I don’t even think half of our members would even want to come back. Sure, Sakura might, and I could see Hyewon rejoining too, but no one’s heard from Nako and Hitomi in years! Yujin won’t come back unless Wonyoung does, but Wonyoung moved to LA to become an influencer after HYBE disbanded IVE so she’ll never come back!”

“And Eunbi’s engaged to some random, while Yuri’s living in the mountains somewhere training to become a seer, I know,” Chaewon says, cutting Yena off. “I googled where everyone was ages ago, unnie.”

“Really? Then where’s Minju, huh?” Yena asks.

“Right here,” a familiar voice says.

Chaewon and Yena both turn around and come face to face with none other than Kim Minju.

“Oh shit,” Chaewon says.

“Chaewon-unnie, I hate to say it, but I’m disappointed in you. I went to go see Jiwoo to ask about your session and she told me you rushed out talking about reuniting Iz*One. I told you any plan involving you becoming a Kpop idol again is stupid! Why the fuck are you trying to go through with it?!” Minju shouts.

“Because, Minju, it’s the only way to stop HYBE from monopolizing the Kpop industry and making people miserable!” Chaewon shouts. “Tell her, Yena, tell her how miserable it made you!”

Yena hesitates, then blows her nose into her handkerchief. “Yeah… I’ve become the biggest flop in HYBE history. It’s so bad that… Chaeyeon broke up with me.”

“WHAT!?” Minju shouts. “But you guys were like, THE power couple of the century!”

“Now do you see why HYBE is evil and needs to be destroyed?” Chaewon asks. “If it’s powerful to tear the nation’s couple apart just because Yena has no clout, then it’s powerful enough to do other terrible unspeakable things.”

“Unnie, watch what you say out here,” Minju mumbles. “You never know who’s listening.”

As soon as Minju says that, Yena suddenly jumps up from her spot on the side of the road. “I better go! Talk to you guys later.” She gives Chaewon a quick hug, then rushes off.

“What was that for?” Minju asks.

“I dunno,” Chaewon says, furrowing her eyebrows. She reaches into her left jacket pocket, and pulls out a small slip of paper. Yena must’ve slipped it into there when she gave Chaewon a hug. Chaewon unfolds the paper and gasps.

The note simply says, “The HYBE Resistance™ Euphoria: 95 Blankity Blank Avenue. -LSM”

Chapter Text

After Iz*One disbanded, everyone’s favorite dozen, Kang Hyewon decided to pursue a career in acting. Except, because Hyewon wasn’t very good at anything, she flopped. She had exactly 1 (one) slightly successful movie and a drama that about 4 (four) people watched, before her agency dropped her ass. After those terrible events transpired, Hyewon had no choice but to pursue a fate that awaits every kpop idol after they inevitably flop once they go solo, becoming a corporate employee.

Except, because Hyewon isn’t very good at anything, she was fired three weeks after she first started. Left alone with no way to make money, Hyewon went with her second option: getting a job from her dad. She thought that her dad worked as a dentist in Shanghai, but it turned out, her father was the most successful plastic surgeon in China who operated on some of the most successful celebrities such as Yang Mi and Angelababy.

Hyewon worked for her father’s plastic surgery clinic for two months before her dad had to let her go after she botched Zhao Liying’s fourth nose job. So, once again, Hyewon was jobless. She went from country to country searching for the one job she’d actually be good at, but alas, couldn’t find anything. Until, one day, when she was visiting Transylvania.

After being laid off as a nanny in Romania, Hyewon found an ad in the paper looking for, “someone so useless they can’t think for themselves. They must be willing to obey their new master’s every command.” It was perfect.

So, Hyewon went to the address written on the bottom of the ad and found herself in Transylvania in front of a classic gothic style castle. She knocked three times with the bat shaped knocker, exactly as the ad instructed her to, and the door slowly creaked open. “Enter… if you dare,” a mysterious voice said.

Hesitantly, Hyewon entered the castle. The foyer was so dark, Hyewon could hardly even see a foot in front of her. Then, a candle was lit. Then two, then three, then suddenly the entire hall was filled with light and standing right in front of Hyewon was Yabuki Nako.

“Hyewon? What are you doing here?” Nako asked, staring at her friend, clearly just as shocked.

“I should be asking you that! Why are you in Transylvania!? I thought you went back to HKT after Iz*One disbanded!” Hyewon shouted.

“I did, but then some pesky vampire showed up at one of my handshake events and bit me!” Nako said, stomping her feet like a child throwing a tantrum.

“Wait, a vampire bit you?” Hyewon asked.

“Obviously! Why the heck would I be in Transylvania if I wasn’t a vampire! No normal person just comes here to come here!” Suddenly, Nako’s entire expression changed to a suspicious one. “Speaking of that, why the heck are you here, Hyewon? I’m happy to see you again and all, but it’s a little suspicious that you just so happen to show up at my castle in the middle of the night. Did Yuki-chan send you? If she did, tell her I’m really sorry about the whole dog thing, but I’m not paying the settlement money!”

“I saw your ad in the paper!” Hyewon replied. “I haven’t been able to get a stable job since we disbanded three years ago, so I’ve just been looking all around the world.”

“So, you answered a suspicious ad in the paper, that may or may not have taken you to a murderer’s house, just because you wanted a job?” Nako asked, staring at Hyewon incredulously.

“The perfect job,” Hyewon corrected. “I’m literally useless, all my old bosses said so, and I’m great at taking orders!”

“Cheese and crackers,” Nako said, rubbing her temples. “Okay, fine, whatever. You’re hired. You can be my servant.”

“Yay!” Hyewon cheered. “We’re going to have so much fun together!”

///

And so, Hyewon was hired as Nako’s servant. After a year of living in the gothic castle in Transylvania, the two girls returned to Korea to finally enact Nako’s evil plan. Hyewon got a job at a local Burger King to remain inconspicuous (and to pay rent) while Nako plotted the perfect way to destroy HYBE and take the entire Kpop industry for herself.

“Wait, Nako, I don’t understand why you want to take over the Kpop industry,” Hyewon said during the small promotion party Nako put together for her. She’d just been promoted to store manager and Nako had bought a cupcake for Hyewon and blood bags from the local blood bank for herself to celebrate.

“Because, Hyewon-unnie, Kpop is a disease. It takes all the elements of Jpop that are actually good, combines it with the shitty EDM/wanna be retro music we get from American pop, and creates some weird amalgamation of the two. Kpop infects the minds of perfectly normal youths and turns them into creatures scarier than vampires. That is why I have to take over the industry. To destroy Kpop once and for all.” Nako lifted up the steak knife sitting next to her and sliced open one of the blood bags. She took a long drink from it, before giving Hyewon a wicked grin. “Being a vampire changed me, you know. It opened my eyes to the true evils of this world: France, Harry Styles, and the evilest thing of all, Kpop. Oh, and that bitch Yuki-chan who won’t stop pestering me for the settlement money.”

Hyewon licked some of the chocolate frosting off her cupcake. “Does that mean we’re gonna kill Harry Styles and destroy France too?”

“Yes, but those will come with due time, unnie. First, we must get rid of the biggest evil currently facing humans and vampires alike: Kpop.”

“If you say so,” Hyewon said with a shrug. Because, if she was being honest, Nako lowkey had a point. Kpop had literally ruined her life! She’d dropped out of school to pursue her dreams of becoming an idol and instead of being loved by everyone, she just got made fun of for being shitty at literally everything. Then, to make matters worse, she couldn’t hold a job for longer than four months because of her lack of an education, and the fact she was shitty at literally everything! The only job she was actually good at was being on register duty at Burger King!

“Hyewon, deep down, we’re the same,” Nako said, as if reading the other girl’s thoughts. “Deep down we both know Kpop has damaged us beyond repair. We must destroy it before it can damage anyone else.”

Hyewon took a deep breath, then nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s destroy Kpop for good.”

Nako beamed, jumped out of her seat, and clapped her hands. “Yeah! And then let’s destroy France and kill Harry Styles! Oooh, I’m just so excited! You’re literally the perfect servant, Hyewon-unnie! I don’t know what I’d do without you!”

Chapter Text

The HYBE Resistance™ was formed 3 weeks after HYBE took over the entire Kpop industry by the evilest man Kpop has ever known, Lee Soo-man.

After his son foiled his plans of making weed legal in Korea and building giant casinos dedicated to it through Aespa’s music, Lee Soo-man was depressed. So, when his snake of a son sold his company to HYBE and deleted Aespa’s new comeback, Lee Soo-man knew he had to do something. So he, with the help of Kwon Boa (who was basically trauma bonded to him at that point), founded The HYBE Resistance™.

95 Blankity Blank Avenue, the location of The HYBE Resistance™, was a shitty run down basement apartment when Lee Soo-man and Boa bought it, but they quickly turned into a popular nightclub called Euphoria (because that was Boa’s favorite show at the time) with a sinister secret… You see, in order to operate a top secret organization planning on taking down the biggest company in the entire world, you have to make a shit ton of money. So, in order to make a shit ton of money through their night club, Boa and Lee Soo-man began selling the worst drug you could ever get your hands on. I’m talking, devastating consequences to your life if you EVER tried it. What is this drug, you might be asking? Weed. It’s weed.

Because this is Korea, remember? And weed is like super bad there or something.

Which brings us to now. Lee Soo-man is smoking a blunt in his office, when one of the members of his elite drug smuggling task force, Ha Yves, enters.

“Sir, there are a couple of people asking to see you,” she says.

“Let them in,” Lee Soo-man says. “And send Hyunjin and Jinsoul up with them.”

After Loona disbanded, Hyunjin, Jinsoul, Gowon, and Yves were approached by Lee Soo-man. He offered them jobs at Euphoria in exchange for their help with his drug empire. Yves and Hyunjin became the fearsome bouncers at the front while Jinsoul and Gowon worked as bartenders during the nights, but during the day, they helped Lee Soo-man smuggle his weed through customs.

“Yessir.” Yves salutes and moves to exit the room, before Lee Soo-man stops her.

“Wait a second, Yves,” Lee Soo-man says. “Can you head to Incheon airport around 2? Shannon’s flight is supposed to arrive at 3:45 and I promised I’d send someone to pick her up.”

Shannon Williams, the kpop idol who ran so Somi could speed walk, returned to London after her contract with MBK Entertainment ended. She lived there in peace for years, until Lee Soo-man contacted her. She was hired to work as Lee Soo-man’s main smuggler, along with Amber Josephine Liu, a former f(x) member, who was unfortunately arrested 2 years ago and was sentenced to life in prison for drug trafficking.

“Ugh, are you serious? I can’t stand that girl,” Yves complains. “She’s always bitching about how my car smells like shit! It’s not my fault that she always smokes weed in it whenever I give her a ride!”

Lee Soo-man takes a long drag of his blunt, then drops it into an ashtray so he can light a cigar. If he’s going to be having visitors, he needs to keep up his image as a scary drug empire boss. “Go pick up Shannon and have Jinsoul and Hyunjin bring my guests up.”

“Yessir,” Yves mumbles, then leaves the room.

5 minutes later, Hyunjin and Jinsoul enter Lee Soo-man’s office with former Iz*One members Kim Chaewon and Kim Minju following close behind them.

“Hi, Mr. Lee Soo-man sir,” Chaewon says and bows.

“Bow lower, you idiot,” Minju hisses, and pushes Chaewon down into a 90 degree bow.

“Kim Chaewon-ssi, I was wondering when you’d come and see me,” Lee Soo-man says smirking. “It took you far longer than I anticipated. But now you’re finally here, so tell me, what is it that you’re here for? Do you wish to join my empire? Or is it something else? Something about a former member of your group perhaps? A certain Ka-”

“Shut the fuck up,” Chaewon snaps. “I’m not here for either of those things, asshole!”

“Chaewon-unnie, I really wouldn’t talk to him like that,” Minju mumbles, glancing warily at Hyunjin and Jinsoul.

“Then what are you here for, Kim Chaewon-ssi?” Lee Soo-man asks, raising an eyebrow. “Is it revenge you're seeking? Do you want to get back at your former company for what they did to you?”

“No!” Chaewon vehemently shakes her head. “I don’t want any of that, Mr. Lee Soo-man sir. I just want to reunite Iz*One.”

Lee Soo-man blinks. “That’s it?”

“Yeah, that’s it!?” Minju hisses. “Chaewon-unnie, this guy is literally offering to help you get revenge on HYBE! This is your chance to take those assholes down once and for all, and you’re saying you don’t want it?!”

Chaewon nods. “Yeah. Revenge has clouded my judgment or something. All this time, I’ve been fueled by my hatred, but now, I’m gonna be fueled by love. I loved Le Sserafim and I loved Iz*One,” Chaewon says. “And I love you, Minju. And I love Yena, and Chaeyeon, and I even love that dickhead Kazuha even though she hasn’t even tried to contact me outside of leaving me voicemails that Minju doesn’t let me listen to!”

“She really loves Kazuha,” Minju adds helpfully.

“Well isn’t that sweet,” Lee Soo-man coos. “But that explains literally nothing. Why the fuck are you here if you’re fueled by love now or whatever?”

“Because I think Yena wanted me to find you,” Chaewon says. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out the note Yena gave her. She cautiously approaches Lee Soo-man’s desk and places the note on it.

Lee Soo-man studies the note for a moment, before nodding. “Ahh, Choi Yena. She’s been in contact with Shannon for a few months now, ever since you got kicked out of Le Sserafim, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Have you been making Yena go on drug runs for you!?” Minju shouts.

“What? No. We’ve been trying to help free her from HYBE!” Lee Soo-man explains. “See, ever since you got kicked out of Le Sserafim, Chaewon-ssi, quiet rebellions have begun stirring within the company. Somehow HYBE found out about these rebellions and began planting chips inside their idols brains to prevent them from revolting! Anything an idol says or hears will instantly be reported back to HYBE headquarters- but not anything they see.”

“That’s why Yena had the note!” Chaewon exclaims. “She must’ve been communicating with The HYBE Resistance™ through mail the entire time!”

“Exactly,” Lee Soo-man says.

Minju gasps and rushes over to Chaewon. “Oh my gosh, unnie, do you know what this means!?” She asks, grabbing the older girl’s shoulder.

“No, Minju, I don’t. By all means, enlighten me.”

“It means it’ll be nearly impossible to get Sakura and Chaeyeon back in Iz*One! And because you literally told Yena about our plan, HYBE probably already knows!” Minju shouts. “Oh my god, this is it. We’re gonna fucking die. HYBE is gonna track us down and kill us for even daring to think about taking them down.”

“Calm down, Minju,” Chaewon says quickly.

“No way! This is all your fucking fault! If I never let you move in with me I wouldn’t be in this goddamn mess! I mean, I could be at home watching Tall Girl 3 right now instead of in Lee Soo-man’s crack den!”

“Not a crack den,” Lee Soo-man corrects.

“Uh, sir,” Hyunjin says, speaking for the first time. “The hysterical girl does have a point. HYBE is definitely after their asses because they told Yena-ssi about their plan.”

“I know that, you idiot.” Lee Soo-man heaves a sigh and drops his cigar in the ashtray. “We need to get these girls out of the country before it’s too late. Take them to club room #3 to see Boa- she’ll be able to get them out before the NCT Security unit can get their hands on them.”

“Yessir!” Hyunjin and Jinsoul say in unison.

“I don’t want to leave the country!” Minju screeches. “My whole life is here! I-I can’t just leave!”

“Yeah, well, you have to if you want to live,” Lee Soo-man says grimly. “Hyunjin and Jinsoul, escort them out please.”

Hyunjin and Jinsoul grab Chaewon and Minju and lead them over to the office door. Right before they leave, Chaewon turns around to ask one last question.

“How do we know we can trust you?” She asks.

“You dont,” Lee Soo-man says.

“WHAT!?” Minju screams. “THEN WHY THE FUCK ARE WE LISTENING TO YOU!?”

“Because I’m your best shot of escaping Korea with your lives,” Lee Soo-man says.

“Shit, he’s right,” Chaewon mutters.

“Unnie, you can’t be serious right now! This guy’s a total freak! I mean, he’s running a fucking weed empire for God’s sake!” Minju shouts.

“Minju, can you do me a huge favor?”

“It depends… What is it?” Minju asks.

“Please, for the love of God, shut the fuck up.”

And with that, Jinsoul and Hyunjin lead the two former Iz*One members out of the room.

///

Club room #3 is nothing like Chaewon was expecting. For one thing, it’s surprisingly clean! She’d originally thought there’d be a bunch of empty needles on the ground and maybe some bongs, but there was nothing! Not even a speck of dirt!

But, the biggest shock of club room #3 was the fact Ahn Yujin was sitting on the bed pushed against the far left wall passing a blunt to Boa.

“Ah, Chaewon and Minju! I’ve been expecting you!” Boa exclaims. She hands the blunt back to Yujin and walks over to Minju and Chaewon, then pulls them into a hug.

“Uh, Boa-ssi, maybe we should skip the pleasantries,” Jinsoul says.

“You’re right, Jinsoul, my mistake!” Boa giggles and lets go of Minju and Chaewon. “So, are you guys ready to go to LA?”

“LA? You’re going to LA?” Yujin asks. She looks at Chaewon and Minju for the first time since they entered the room then scowls. “Why the fuck are they here?”

“Well, Yujin, maybe if you actually paid attention to what I told you instead of doing drugs all day, you’d know Chaewon and Minju came to us for help. Jinsoul and I are going to help them escape Korea and go to LA where they’ll be safe from HYBE’s influence,” Boa explains.

Yujin rolls her eyes and takes a long drag from the blunt. “K. I don’t care. I’m never stepping foot in that city. Not after what she did to me.”

Minju turns to Chaewon and lowers her voice to a whisper. “I freaking told you this place was bad news! They turned the innocent Yujin we knew into a drug addict!”

“That wasn’t our doing,” Jinsoul says because she’s an eavesdropper. “Yujin was addicted to drugs when Boa found her. She was trying to buy weed from a shady looking guy on the side of the road, but Boa stopped her right before the deal was finished. She brought Yujin back to Euphoria and we’ve been taking care of her ever since.”

“If you freaks didn’t turn her into a drug addict, who did?” Minju asks, glaring at Jinsoul.

“I turned myself into one, Minju,” Yujin says, not even bothering to add unnie. Like zamn, talk about rude. “After that bitch Wonyoung abandoned me to go to LA with Liz of all people, I got addicted to weed, which is like the hardest drug ever. I even joined a gang.”

What the actual fuck.

Chaewon’s jaw drops. There’s no way the kid leader of IVE turned into… this. And because of a GIRL? Like, a girl choosing someone else over you is enough to turn you to a life of drugs!? Nah, you gotta be CRAZY down bad to do that.

“This isn’t real. I’m convinced. There’s no fucking way this is real,” Minju says, not taking her eyes off Yujin.

“Is there any way we can help her?” Chaewon asks.

Boa shrugs. “I dunno. Maybe if you could find some way to reunite her and Wonyoung so they can talk about their feelings you’d be able to save Yujin from a life of drugs. But that’ll be impossible!”

Chaewon and Minju share a look, before Chaewon turns to Boa with a grin. “Please, we literally debuted from a Mnet Produce series. Nothing is impossible for us.”

“Maybe for you! But this is definitely impossible for me!” Minju shouts. “Seriously, unnie, don’t say we when you know I don’t agree!”

Chaewon ignores Minju and presses on. “Let us take Yujin to LA with us. We’ll be sure to give her and Wonyoung the best reunion possible.”

“Oh no, I couldn’t possibly trouble you with this,” Boa says quickly. “Yujin is a real piece of work now. I’m not sure if the two of you would be able to handle her.”

“We’ll be fine, don’t worry. In fact, having Yujin come with us will be perfect for our plan of reuniting Iz*One and saving the Kpop industry from HYBE!” Chaewon exclaims.

“Her plan of reuniting Iz*One and saving the Kpop industry,” Minju corrects. “I’m just here because she needed someone responsible to keep her from getting killed. Which, honestly, doesn’t seem to have worked very well because HYBE is literally after our asses right now.”

Yujin scoffs and tosses her hair the specific way emo people do. “Do I get a say in this? Because I’d rather sit here and smoke weed than go to LA with Miss. Sunshine and Rainbows over there.”

“Listen, Yujin, I’ve been where you are before,” Chaewon says, using her knowledge of therapy from her one session with Jiwoo. “I understand you. I know how hard it is to be left behind by someone you once considered a friend, or maybe even more than just a friend.”

“You don’t understand me!” Yujin shouts. “Nobody understands me!”

Oh great. Yujin’s in her angsty teen era now too apparently. Chaewon heaves a sigh and turns back to Boa. “Look, just let us take her to LA. As much as I’d rather leave her here and let her finish her angsty teen era, we kinda need her to reunite Iz*One.”

“Please stop including me in everything you say!” Minju says. “Unnie, I literally want nothing to do with your stupid plan!”

“Shut the fuck up, Minju,” Jinsoul says.

Boa glances at Yujin warily, then nods. “Fine, take her with you. I can’t promise she’ll cooperate though.” She turns her attention to Jinsoul and Hyunjin and tosses the latter some car keys. “Take the porsche parked in spot #5. Gowon’s already booked a flight for four that leaves in 2 hours. Make sure the girls make it out alive or I’ll kill both of you.”

“Yes ma’am!” Jinsoul and Hyunjin salute.

“Hey! I don’t want to go! You guys can’t make me!” Yujin complains.

Hyunjin rolls her eyes and walks over to the bed Yujin’s sitting on. Then, almost as if Yujin weighs nothing, she lifts her up without breaking a sweat. “Enjoy LA, Yujin.”

“FUCK YOU, HYUNJIN! I DON’T WANNA GO! I NEVER EVER WANNA SEE WONYOUNG!” Yujin screams, kicking wildly.

“Ignore her,” Jinsoul says, throwing a reassuring arm around Minju’s shoulders. “She’ll tire herself out after a few minutes.”

“Don’t put your arm around me. We aren’t friends, we hardly know each other,” Minju says, glaring at Jinsoul.

“Aw, c’mon, Minju, don’t be like that! You should try being nicer to me considering we’re going to LA together,” Jinsoul says.

“Wait… you’re coming to LA with us?” Chaewon asks. “I thought Boa would be coming.”

“Sorry, Chaewon,” Boa says sheepishly. “I have to help Lee Soo-man run his drug empire in Korea. Shannon and I have a couple deals we need to close up before the end of the month. But after that I’ll be on the first plane to LA to make sure everything’s going well for you girls! Hopefully. If World War III doesn’t start before then, that is!”

World War III? Chaewon gives Boa a weird look, but brushes the comment off. It’s a fairly reasonable joke to make in 2028 after all, so she probably shouldn’t question it.

“Can we hurry up?” Hyunjin asks. “My arms are starting to go numb.”

“Oh right. You’re holding Yujin,” Jinsoul says, as if the fact completely slipped her mind. “Let’s go! Oooh, I can’t wait to go to LA! I wonder if we’ll meet Tupac-sunbaenim there.”

“Jinsoul-unnie, Tupac has been dead for 30 years,” Hyunjin says.

“A girl can dream,” Jinsoul says with a far off look in her eyes.

Chapter Text

Hyewon returns home from an emotionally draining Burger King shift to an empty apartment. Nako isn’t in the living room, or her bedroom, or even the bathroom! Hyewon even checks the fire escape, but finds nothing. When she checks the kitchen, she finds a note written on her favorite cat themed stationery.

“My dearest, Hyewon-unnie,

By the time you read this, I will have already left the country. This morning, I received a phone call from Jo Yuri, in which she explained to me the events of a vision she received late in the night. I must head to England and kill Harry Styles while I still have time. As you await my return, please pack a suitcase for both of us with enough clothes for a week. We will be heading for Nepal as soon as I return. There’s someone there we have to find.

Lots of love,

Nako-chan :3”

Nako’s childish signature, which takes up half the page, makes Hyewon sigh. Of course this weirdo vampire decided to pull some shit like this. Leaving without a word only to leave behind a weird sophisticated note that feels like it was written by someone living in the 1800s. Actually, now that Hyewon thinks about it, Nako’s writing has never felt this sophisticated until now. Maybe there’s a class all vampires have to take in order to learn how to write all old-timey.

Hyewon sighs and puts Nako’s note back on the kitchen table. She trudges over to the ratty couch in the living room and practically throws herself onto it. She’s honestly just a little pissed Nako went off to go kill Harry Styles by herself. Like, Hyewon could’ve helped! Well, actually, she probably couldn’t because she’s useless, remember? But it’s the thought that counts! Nako should’ve at least invited her instead of rushing off to kill the guy with no goodbye!

“I’m not upset or anything, though,” Hyewon says. “Like, Nako can do whatever she wants, I’m not her keeper.”

“You and I both know that’s not true.”

“WHAT!?” Hyewon instantly shoots up off the couch and looks around the room, but there’s no one there.

“No, you idiot! Look down!”

Hyewon hesitantly looks down and sees the cat she and Nako adopted when they first moved into the apartment. “Meowy?” Hyewon asks nervously.

“No. Well, yes, kinda, but no. This might be a little before your time, but do you remember After School?” Meowy asks, tilting her head to the side.

“WHY THE FUCK CAN YOU TALK!?” Hyewon screams and runs into the kitchen. She looks around wildly until she finds exactly what she’s looking for: her hot pink heart patterned broom. She grabs the broom and holds it like a sword, then nervously reenters the living room.

“Uh, how about you put that broom down and we can talk things out?” Meowy suggests.

“No way, Meowy! You could be possessed by the devil! Or one of Nako’s vampire friends!” Hyewon shouts, and makes a threatening motion with her broom.

Meowy huffs in annoyance and rolls her eyes. Hyewon stares at Meowy in shock because she didn’t know cats could roll their eyes!

“I’m not possessed by the devil, you imbecile!” Meowy says. “And my name isn’t Meowy! It’s Lizzy, as in Park Sooyoung Lizzy from After School!”

“I don’t know what that is,” Hyewon says.

Meowy sighs. “I’m from Orange Caramel.”

“Oh hey! I covered one of your songs once!” Hyewon exclaims. “Wait, if you’re Lizzy from Orange Caramel, then how the fuck are you also my cat Meowy?”

“Because, you idiot, Orange Caramel was just too powerful that HYBE turned us all into cats in order to prevent us from saving the Kpop industry from the shitty noise music all their groups make!” Lizzy explains.

“Uh, not to be that person, but how the fuck does HYBE have to power to turn people into cats? I just thought they were an evil Kpop company that monopolized the entire industry!” Hyewon says. “I feel like there are a lot of plot holes here that just aren’t being explained.”

“Well, maybe someone wants to be lazy and not create convoluted lore for a shitty fanfic!” Lizzy retorts. “But fine, I’ll explain how HYBE has the power to turn us into cats if you insist because you clearly haven’t done your own research.”

She side eyes Hyewon (because I guess cats can side eye people now) and clears her throat. “Basically, 5 years ago, Shin Yuna went on a pilgrimage to a remote village in Russia because Itzy was on hiatus and she had nothing better to do.”

Slowly, the room around Hyewon begins to melt away. She blinks, then the entire room is gone and replaced with a village of stone houses covered in snow. She glances down and sees she’s standing in a large snow bank. “WHAT THE FUCK, MEOWY!?”

“Relax,” Lizzy says. “After I was turned into a cat, I retained some of that magical power, so I’m just showing you exactly what happened instead of explaining it. You aren’t actually standing in a snowbank in a remote Russian village. You’re just seeing it.”

“So, it’s like I’m hallucinating?” Hyewon asks.

“Sure, let’s go with that,” Lizzy says. “Anyway, pay attention, Yuna is about to show up!”

As soon as Lizzy says that, the unmistakable figure of Shin Yuna passes Hyewon. She rushes over to a house a couple feet away and knocks on the door.

“Don’t just stand here, you idiot,” Lizzy says, “follow her!”

Hyewon trudges through the snow and follows Yuna to the house. She awkwardly stands behind her and watches as the door slowly opens.

“Yer here again?” The man in the doorway asks.

“I want to learn! You have to teach me how to turn people into cats! Sarang needs more friends and none of the other kitties we meet want to be friends with her!” Yuna exclaims.

“I don’t just teach anyone, you know. These are dark arts that many mortals can’t handle,” the man says. “Some men who I’ve taught have gone mad from the power. It consumed them and turned them from men into monsters. Do you believe you’ll be able to control the magic? Or will the magic control you?”

“I can control it!” Yuna exclaims.

“Very well, I will teach you. But remember, Shin Yuna, with great power comes great responsibility.” The man moves out of the door frame and beckons Yuna inside.

“Did he just quote Uncle Ben to her?” Hyewon whispers.

“I think he did,” Lizzy says.

The scene shifts again and Hyewon finds herself sitting next to Yuna on an airplane. She looks at the TV in front of her and frowns when she sees what movie is playing on it. It’s the shitty Dear Evan Hansen movie from 2021.

“Remember, this is seven years ago,” Lizzy meows. “People enjoyed crap like that back then.”

Yuna, who obviously can’t see or hear Lizzy and Hyewon, speaks animatedly into her cellphone. “I seriously learned, unnie! This weird Russian guy taught me how to turn people into cats so I can finally give Sarang a friend! I’ll do it for you as soon as I get home, I promise!”

“Did she really learn?” Hyewon asks.

Lizzy nods. “Obviously, why else would I be a cat?”

Once again, the scenery around Hyewon shifts and she finds herself in an unfamiliar office. There’s a massive golden statue of the CEO of HYBE being polished by all four Mamamoo members in the center, but Hyewon’s attention is drawn to where Yuna is standing.

“Where are we?” She asks Lizzy.

“In CEO Park’s office,” Lizzy replies. “This is the moment when Yuna loses control of her dark magic powers and begins to use them for evil. Go and get closer- you won’t be able to hear what they’re saying from here.”

Hyewon cautiously approaches Yuna and CEO Park.

“But, CEO Park, I really don’t want to do that! The guy who taught me this magic told me it should only be used for good,” Yuna says.

“There’s nothing bad about what I asked you to do, Yuna-ssi,” CEO Park says. “In fact, I think the Orange Caramel members would enjoy their lives a lot more if they were cats, don’t you?”

“Well… I guess so,” Yuna says, wringing her hands.

“Trust me.” CEO Park stands from his desk and walks around so he can place a reassuring hand on Yuna’s shoulder. “They’ll appreciate this. I bet they’ll even thank you once you turn them back into humans.”

Yuna chews her lip, then nods. “Y-you’re right. I mean, cats live way better lives anyway.”

“And so, Yuna turned me, Nana, and Raina into cats,” Lizzy says.

CEO Park’s office fades away and Hyewon once again finds herself inside her living room. She rubs her eyes for a second, then surveys the room. It looks exactly the same as it did before, almost as if she never left. She’s even still holding her stupid hot pink heart patterned broom!

“So, what does all this have to do with me?” Hyewon asks.

“You’re the only person who can turn us back to normal,” Lizzy explains. “I mean, haven’t you wondered why you’re shit at literally everything?”

“Sure, I guess I have a few times,” Hyewon says, “but I always figured it was because I was babied as a kid and never learned basic survival skills.”

“That’s probably part of it, but the truth is, you have an extremely powerful spiritual aura. I mean, your potential is off the charts! You’re the only person in Seoul (other than Yuna) that’s powerful enough to turn us back into humans!” Lizzy says. “And, if you manage to tap into your magical power, maybe you’ll stop being so useless.”

“And then maybe Nako would start relying on me more,” Hyewon says.

“Yeah, I guess. If that's what you think is really important.” Lizzy gives Hyewon a weird look- well, as much of a weird look a cat can give.

“And, maybe then I could stop being her servant and instead we could be equals!”

“Sure… if that’s what you want.”

“And, once we’re equals, maybe Nako will stop seeing me as a former group member and instead start seeing me as someone she’d kinda want to date.”

“Girl, I do not give a fuck about you being sorta kinda into Nako,” Lizzy deadpans. “Are you gonna tap into your magical power to help turn Nana, Raina, and me back into humans or not?”

“I’ll do it!” Hyewon says. “I’ll help you guys!”

“Finally, it took you long enough.” Lizzy rolls her eyes, then jumps onto the couch. “Now then, we’re off to Busan to find Nana!”

“Oh wait, we have to be back soon or else Nako will wonder where I went,” Hyewon says.

“Just leave her a note.” Lizzy rolls her eyes again.

Hyewon gives Lizzy a thumbs up and rushes into her room. She grabs her favorite stationary with cat designs on it and quickly composes a letter for Nako.

“Dear Nako,

Hi! It’s Hyewon (duh). If you’re reading this, I’ve gone off on an epic quest with Meowy, who’s apparently Lizzy from Orange Caramel stuck inside a cat’s body because Yuna turned her into a cat or something. Honestly, I kinda zoned out when she was explaining it.

Anyway, we’re going to Busan to find the other members of Orange Caramel because apparently I have untapped magical potential that will allow me to turn them back into humans. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone, but I hope I’ll be back soon!

I miss you already,

Hyewon”

Chapter Text

After Iz*One disbanded, Jo Yuri retreated into the mountains of North Chungcheong. She said it was to get inspiration for her solo debut song, but the truth was far darker…

In the months before their disbandment, she had been plagued by recurring dreams. Some happy, some… not so happy. After her debut as a soloist, Yuri called her mother and told her the details of her dreams, her mother just sighed.

“I knew this would happen sweetie,” her mother had said. “You see, our family is cursed. We aren’t sure exactly when it begins, but every first child will begin to have visions of… the future. These visions will persist for a few years, but they will leave you once you turn 30. Just ignore them for now, okay? They’ll be gone in a couple of years, don’t worry.”

But Yuri did worry. She worried and worried and worried because her visions began to become more and more relevant to her own life.

One day, three weeks after Iz*One disbanded, Yuri had a terrifying vision.

Her 100 year old grandmother’s house in North Chungcheong was on fire and standing outside of it, holding a box of matches, was none other than Yuri herself. Suddenly one of her grandma’s Sussex chickens stumbled out of the burning house. It walked over to Yuri and pecked at her beat up care-bear flip flops.

“Get off, chicken,” Yuri hissed, trying to kick the chicken away.

The chicken instantly looked up and made direct eye contact with Yuri. It opened its beak, then spoke in a deep gravelly voice that sent shivers down Yuri’s spine.

“Jo Yuri, tomorrow you will leave Seoul and you will come to North Chungcheong province. You will seek out The Chicken Master. He will teach you the true depths of your gift. You are special. A rare Jo that only comes once every 500 years. You were chosen by the Chicken Gods to protect the chickens of Earth.”

“W-what do you mean?” Yuri asked, feeling super weirded out. Like, she’d had visions before, but she’d never had one where she was able to speak. Usually, it was like she was viewing everything from a one-way mirror. She could see in, but no one else could see out.

“You have a mission to carry out,” the chicken said. “You must prevent World War III and protect all chickenkind. Go to North Chungcheong. Find The Chicken Master. You are our only hope.”

Yuri bought a train ticket to North Chungcheong the instant she woke up the next morning. She packed the bare essentials in the Minnie Mouse suitcase her mother bought her for her 7th birthday and set off.

The chicken in her dream hadn’t given very detailed instructions on how to find The Chicken Master and Yuri was rather unfamiliar with the geography of North Chungcheong. So, when her train arrived, she stopped at the local information booth for directions.

“Hi! I’m looking for The Chicken Master!” Yuri said.

The old man running the booth stared at Yuri for a second, before his eyes lit up in recognition. “Hey, you’re that girl from Iz*One! What’re you doing out here in North Chungcheong?”

“I told you, I’m looking for The Chicken Master,” Yuri repeated.

“Oh, well, I’m really sorry young lady, but The Chicken Master isn’t around anymore,” the old man said, shaking his head slightly. “He died two weeks ago.”

“What?! B-but the chicken in my vision said I had to find him in order to prevent World War III!” Yuri exclaimed. “Please, sir, there has to be someone who can help me!”

The old man sighed and adjusted his glasses. “Well, if you really did have a vision telling you to meet The Chicken Master, then I’ll tell you this. But don’t you go blabbing about it to any of your loud mouthed friends, you hear me?”

“Loud and clear, sir!”

“The Chicken Master’s got a grandson. He’s living up in his place because he needs to stay out of the public eye. He got exempted from his military service, but the public doesn’t know it. He’s hiding out up there to make sure no one finds out,” the old man said. “There’s a chance, probably not a very big one, but there is a chance this kid could help you prevent World War III or whatever your vision told you to do.”

Yuri reached through the booth’s small opening and grasped the old man’s hands. “Oh, thank you so much, sir! I don’t know what I’d do without your help!”

“Yeah, whatever. Just make sure you prevent World War III or I’ll be pissed,” the old man said.

The old man drew up a map with detailed instructions on how to reach The Chicken Master’s farm and gave it to Yuri. Map in hand, Yuri left the train station to find The Chicken Master’s grandson and prevent World War III just like the chicken in her vision told her to.

A bus took Yuri halfway to her destination, but the rest of her journey had to be taken on foot. She trudged along a dirt road that took her right through the heart of a giant mountain. It was steep, and Yuri almost fell a couple of times, but in the end she made it.

Right around the time Yuri would normally have dinner back in Seoul, she reached The Chicken Master’s farm.

The giant chain link fence that surrounded it had a sign on it that read, “caution: electric fence.” Yuri figured that probably would’ve stopped her in her tracks and sent her back home in any other circumstances, but whatever dumb fuck was living up there forgot to shut the fence gate behind them. So, Yuri just slipped through the small gap and entered the farm.

She made it maybe, 5 steps from the entrance, before a loud voice boomed through the air.

“State your name and purpose,” the voice said.

Yuri glanced around and noticed a speaker sitting in between two of the countless chicken coops on the farm.

“I’m Jo Yuri, former member of Iz*One. I’m here because I got a vision telling me to meet The Chicken Master so I can prevent World War III,” Yuri said.

There was silence.

“So, like, I know this isn’t America and all, but you aren’t gonna shoot me for trespassing, right?” Yuri asked nervously.

“Of course not, weirdo,” the voice replied. “I don’t even own a gun.”

“Oh thank God,” Yuri mumbled.

“ANYWAY. You should probably turn back and, uh, go home. The Chicken Master’s dead.” the voice said.

“I know that,” Yuri said. “The old man working the information booth at the train station told me. And he also mentioned that I’d find The Chicken Master’s draft dodging grandson here.”

There was silence again.

Then, after a good five minutes, the door to the farm house in front of Yuri slowly inched open. Yuri’s jaw dropped as soon as the door was fully opened and the person living in The Chicken Master’s house revealed himself.

“SUHO-SUNBAENIM!?” She screamed

“I’m not a draft dodger,” he muttered, looking rather bitter that anyone would even insinuate he’d dodge a draft. “And just call me Junmyeon. When I left HYBE to visit my grandpa, I gave up my right to use my stage name.”

“W-what are you doing here?” Yuri asked. “You’re supposed to be in the military right now!”

“I got exempted because of my grandpa. He told the government he needed to teach me all the knowledge required of a Chicken Master so I could take his place when he died,” Junmyeon explained. He adjusted the Bass Pro Shop hat he was wearing and took a deep breath, then continued. “He taught me everything he knew. And then, the freaking president showed up when Grandpa died! With a whole military parade and shit to pick up Grandpa’s body! Once the parade marched off with his body in a fancy casket, the president said that it was my turn to protect the country, whatever that means, and I’m not allowed to go back to Exo or show myself to the world until the seer shows up!”

Yuri swallowed. “I think… I might be the seer you’ve been waiting for,” she said hesitantly.

“What do you mean?” Junmyeon asked.

“Well, last night I had a dream where I was in front of my grandma’s house in North Chungcheong. A chicken spoke to me and told me I had to find The Chicken Master in order to prevent World War III!” Yuri explained. “I guess, you’re The Chicken Master I’m supposed to meet.”

Junmyeon stood in the door frame and didn’t say a word. For a second, Yuri thought he was going to march right back into his house, but that thought was gone an instant later when he ran over to Yuri and pulled her into a tight hug.

“THANK GOD!” He screamed. “I seriously thought I was gonna die out here waiting for the seer! I mean, it’s so boring. All I have are chickens to keep me company now that Grandpa’s dead!”

“So, you’ll help me?” Yuri asked.

“Sure, if I can!” Junmyeon said. “I’ll do whatever it takes as long as I can go back to Exo and get off this creepy mountain!”

Yuri sighed in relief. She awkwardly hugged Junmyeon back for a moment, then detangled herself from the unbelievably awkward hug. “Well then, Junmyeon-sunbaenim, please teach me the true depths of my gift!”

And so, Yuri spent 6 years atop that mountain learning from Junmyeon. When her training was complete, she left the mountain with a deeper understanding of herself and her mission. She had to reunite Iz*One. It was the only way to prevent the end of all Chickenkind and in turn, the end of the entire world.

///

“So, what do you say, Yena-ssi? Will you help me and Yuri save all Chickenkind?” Junmyeon asks.

“Uh, I’m gonna be completely honest here: I have no idea why you’re asking me of all people for this,” Yena says. “I mean, I’m the biggest flop HYBE has ever seen! It hasn’t even been an hour since they fired me!”

After HYBE kicked Yena to the curb, she’d run into Junmyeon during her mad dash to her apartment far away from Dispatch’s prying eyes. He’d offered to treat her to a meal, and took her to the nice barbeque place they’re in now. Yuri, who always had a knack for being in the right place at the right time, had been waiting there for them, grilling some pork belly.

“We know, unnie. In fact, that’s the main reason why we need your help,” Yuri says. She flips the sizzling pork over on the grill and watches it carefully. “I greatly underestimated HYBE’s power once my training was complete. If I’d know they’d go this far, I would’ve reunited Iz*One years ago.”

“Not to be that person, but you guys sound completely crazy!” Yena shouts. “Like, what does HYBE having a monopoly on the entire Kpop industry have to do with chickens and World War III?”

Junmyeon sighs heavily. He reaches out across the table and puts his hand on top of Yena’s. “I know this sounds hard to believe, but The Chicken Gods bestowed Yuri with a gift of true sight. She has seen the future awaiting Earth and it isn’t good.”

Yena shoots Yuri a look, but the latter only nods solemnly. “In three months time, HYBE’s elite military force (and also NCT subunit), NCT Military will be complete. It will be so powerful that it easily defeats our military. CEO Park will instate himself as supreme dictator of South Korea, then declare war on England. Soon, the conflict will become a full on world war, and by the end of it, HYBE will have seized control of the entire world,” Yuri says.

“Okay… let’s say you are telling the truth. Where do I come in?” Yena asks.

“You received an invitation from Eunbi-unnie, correct? More specifically, a wedding invitation,” Yuri says.

“Yeah, I did. How’d you know?”

“She’s a seer, remember?” Junmyeon says.

“You will take Junmyeon and I as your guests to Eunbi’s wedding. Right when the priest asks if anyone objects, you will stand up and you will object- with this.” Yuri reaches under the table and pushes something onto Yena’s lap.

Oh HELL nah. Why the actual fuck did Yuri just give Yena a gun!?

“How the fuck do you have this, Yuri!?” Yena gasps and stares wide eyed at the gun Yuri just gave her. Like what the actual fuck.

“Then, you’ll shoot Eunbi’s fiance, freeing her and everyone under HYBE from their mind control,” Yuri says, ignoring Yena’s question.

Yena furrows her eyebrows. “What does Eunbi’s fiance have to do with HYBE?”

Yuri takes a deep breath and looks at Suho. “Do you want to explain? I have to keep an eye on the meat.”

“No prob, Yuri!” Junmyeon says. “So, basically, Eunbi’s marrying Shindong. As in, Shindong from Super Junior Shindong. He went back to college in 2023, and took some accelerated computer science classes. Through those classes, Shindong learned how to create HYBE’s most powerful weapon: the chips they put into their artists brains.”

“But I just thought the chips monitored the artists actions?” Yena says. “That’s what the scientists told me when they put mine in and they even reminded me of it when they took it out!”

“Actually, the chips were updated a few weeks ago with a new, even scarier feature. The mind control feature… HYBE just didn’t give you one ‘cause they were planning on kicking you out and didn’t want to waste money,” Junmyeon explains. “Anyway, you have to kill Shindong because he’s the only one who knows how to operate the chips. With him out of the way, HYBE will have no way of controlling their artists. Thus, reuniting Iz*One and freeing the Kpop industry from HYBE’s iron fist will become much easier.”

Yuri uses the scissors to cut the pork belly into three smaller pieces. She places a piece on different plates, then hands the plates to the others. “And that’s basically it. So, what do you say, Yena-unnie? Wanna help us kill that fucker Shindong?”

Yena sighs. Honestly, she has nothing better to do. I mean, Chaeyeon broke up with her ages ago, so it’s not like she can hang out with her. Chaewon and Minju haven’t returned any of her calls since she ran into them on the side of the street a few days ago, so she can’t go see them either. Sure, attending an old friend’s wedding just to kill the guy she’s marrying doesn’t seem like the best thing to do on a Saturday evening, but it’s not like Yena’s got anything else to do.

“Fine, I’ll help you, but you guys owe me!” Yena says, and crosses her arms.

Yuri and Junmyeon exchange a look.

“We can get you and Chaeyeon back together,” Junmyeon offers.

“WHAT!?” Yena shouts.

“I mean, she only broke up with you because of the HYBE mind control chip,” Yuri says, waving a hand flippantly. “Once you kill Shindong and get rid of HYBE’s control over her, she’ll definitely want you back.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THAT EARLIER!?” Yena shouts. “I would have agreed to kill that guy way sooner!”

“So you’re helping us, right?” Junmyeon asks, because he just needs that extra reassurance to be sure.

“Yeah, I’ll help kill Shindong! Hell, I’ll do anything as long as Chaeyeon gets back together with me!”

Yuri smirks, then sticks her hand across the table, presumably going in for a handshake. Yena lifts her own hand and grabs Yuri’s, giving it a good old fashioned dead fish handshake.

“Glad to be working with you again, Yena-unnie,” Yuri says.

“Ooh, this is gonna be so fun!” Junmyeon exclaims. “Does this mean I get to be the secret 13th member of Iz*One once you guys reunite?”

“No, Junmyeon. It doesn’t,” Yuri deadpans.

“Aw… well, it was worth a try.” Junmyeon pouts and takes a bite of his pork belly. “I woulda let you be the secret 9th member of Exo if we had to reunite them to save the world.”

Chapter Text

Honestly, Minju regretted going along with anything Chaewon said even before she was dragged into a white van and had a potato sack thrown over her head.

She never should’ve let Chaewon drag her on this stupid stupid quest to reunite Iz*One! In fact, she never should’ve let Chaewon back into her life in the first place! If she hadn’t done that, she wouldn’t have been kidnapped two days into her stay in the lovely city of Los Angeles California.

Actually, now that Minju thinks about it (and trust me, she’s been doing a lot of thinking for the past half hour she’s been tied up in the van) it’s all Yujin’s fault. If that stupid bitch hadn’t gotten addicted to drugs, Minju wouldn’t have had to venture out into the sketchy part of LA to buy some weed to help Yujin with her withdrawals. Or maybe, it wasn’t Yujin’s fault at all. Maybe it was Wonyoung’s. After all, she is the root of all Yujin’s drug abuse and teenage angst.

Before Minju can place the blame on another person other than herself, the van screeches to a halt. One of the kidnappers throws Minju over their shoulder like she’s a sack of potatoes and carries her for a bit. About five minutes later, Minju’s thrown onto the cold damp ground. The potato sack is ripped off her head and light floods her vision.

“W-where am I?” Minju forces out, as her throat is still a little sore from all the screaming she did when she first got kidnapped.

As her eyes adjust to the light, Minju tries to get a view of her kidnappers but comes up short. They must’ve strategically stood in the shadowy areas of the room so Minju couldn’t identify them.

Fuck. Now Minju won’t be able to identify them from a line up when the cops eventually rescue her and need to prosecute the people responsible.

This has to be Chaewon’s fault. Like, maybe the kidnappers accidently took her when they meant to take Chaewon. Or, maybe Chaewon arranged the kidnapping so Minju will be super grateful to her once she’s rescued so she’ll agree to help Chaewon with anything she wants.

“How has LA been treating you so far, Minju?” One of the kidnappers asks.

“We’re really sorry about our… unconventional welcome,” another kidnapper says. “Unfortunately, it was our only way of getting you to come with us alone.”

Wait a damn minute, these kidnappers speak Korean! Well, that crosses about three quarters of the US population off Minju’s suspect list. But it also contributes to her theory that Chaewon is behind the entire thing…

“Oh my God, Heechul,” a third, this time female, voice says. “I told you the kidnapping plan was stupid. Look at this poor girl- she’s shaking! And she hasn’t said a word since someone decided to ask how her trip in LA is going.”

“Hey, I was just trying to be hospitable. I mean, she’s only shaking because someone thought a McDonald’s basement would be the perfect place to bring her.” The first kidnapper’s silhouette holds its hands up in surrender. “And, honestly, I don’t think you’re in the position to be blaming others right now, Seohyun.”

“Seohyun? As in Seohyun from Girls’ Generation?” Minju asks.

“Great, now you went and blew our cover, Key!” Seohyun shouts.

“YOU BLEW OUR COVER FIRST, ASSHOLE. YOU LITERALLY CALLED HEECHUL-HYUNG BY HIS NAME!” Key screams.

“Yeah, but she didn’t recognize it,” Seohyun retorts, “‘cause Heechul was in a flop group full of floppity flops, unlike me and my successful group.”

“Super Junior was not a flop group!” Heechul shouts. “Plenty of people enjoyed our music!”

“Uh, can we pause really quickly?” Minju asks.

“Oh of course!” Seohyun steps into the light and flashes Minju a grin. “What’s up? And, uh, sorry about kidnapping you. We didn’t really want to do it, but our employer insisted.”

Key and Heechul also emerge from the shadows and awkwardly smile at Minju.

“Your employer?” Minju asks sharply. “I freaking knew Chaewon was behind this! She had you guys kidnap me so she could manipulate me into rejoining Iz*One, didn’t she? Don’t even bother lying to protect her- I’ve already figured it out!”

The three kidnappers exchange a look, before returning their attention to Minju.

“Uh, I hate to break it to you, Super Sleuth Minju, but Chaewon didn’t hire us to kidnap you,” Heechul says.

“Then who the fuck did? There’s literally no one else in the world I can think of who’d want to kidnap me!” Minju shouts.

“Actually, there is one person…” A familiar voice says.

Minju whirls her attention to the far left corner of the room. The speaker takes slow, deliberate steps towards the tiny light bulb hanging over Minju, Heechul, Key, and Seohyun. They pause right outside of the light for dramatic effect, then reveal themself.

“Wonyoung…” Minju breathes. “Why- Why would you kidnap me?”

“I had to, unnie,” Wonyoung says. “It was the only way I could get you alone. There’s… something I must ask of you.”

Oh great, now someone else wants something from her. Honestly, Minju is sick and tired of all these outrageous requests. Like, she should be at home in her apartment right now, not tied up on a wet and stinky basement floor! But, because it’s Wonyoung asking, Minju sighs and takes the bait. “What is it?” She asks.

“I need you to take Yujin and Chaewon back to Korea,” Wonyoung says. “And if you can’t take them back there, get them as far away from LA as possible.”

“What!? Why?” Minju asks, staring at Wonyoung in shock. She knew the beef with her and Yujin went crazy, but she didn’t think it was that bad.

Wonyoung glances at the three kidnappers, who just shrug. She heaves a sigh, then hesitantly begins to explain the situation to Minju. “See, after IVE disbanded, I was in a tough place. I couldn’t stay in Korea any longer because of all the bad memories, so I came to LA with Liz. I wanted to bring Yujin, I really did, but I just couldn’t. Whenever I’d look at her, I’d start feeling all these terrible things and after a while, I really started to hate her. So, we left her behind.

“Anyway, a couple weeks later, I found out Yujin had followed us to LA. Liz and I confronted her and I finally told her the truth: I couldn’t stand being around her. After I said that, she got super dejected and left. I came to find out she’d joined a fucking gang and gotten addicted to every drug ever almost a day after I told her! Like, do you even understand how fucking embarrassing it is for your ex-best friend to join a gang and get addicted to drugs the literal day after you drop them?”

Wonyoung looks at Minju expectantly, who quickly shakes her head.

“No, Wonyoung, I don’t understand,” she says.

“Of course you don’t. Like, no offense, unnie, but you’re super boring. Anyway, back to the story I guess. Yujin joined a gang, right? And she did a ton of bad stuff for them. Like criminal level bad stuff. But one day, out of nowhere mind you, this random lady shows up at my house and asks me where Yujin is. I tell her she’s joined a gang and this lady straight up breaks into the gang’s main headquarters and breaks Yujin out, then kidnaps her!” Wonyoung explains.

“Some lady? Who?” Minju asks.

Another figure steps out of the shadows, as if she were waiting for this exact cue to reveal herself. “Me,” she says.

“Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. Just how many of you are hiding in the shadows!?” Minju asks. She takes a closer look at the woman and blinks. Holy shit, she has no fucking idea who this lady is even after that dramatic entrance that made it seem like she had to know her. “Wait a second, who the fuck are you?”

“It’s me, Gowoon!” She says. “I’m from BerryGood!”

“No clue what that is,” Minju deadpans.

“Yeah, no offense, girly, but your group was almost as much of a flop as Heechul’s,” Key says.

“This girl’s a Kpop idol??” Minju asks.

“Obviously,” Seohyun says, rolling her eyes. “Literally everyone who has revealed themselves up to this point is an idol. Why the fuck would we just introduce a random? That’d like, totally mess up the vibe.”

“Oh. True.”

“Uhm, can I finish my story now or are you guys just gonna keep chatting?” Wonyoung asks, glaring at Minju.

“Sorry, Wonyoung…”

“AS I WAS SAYING!” Wonyoung shouts, making sure to shoot another glare at Minju for good measure. “Yujin was kidnapped by Gowoon and taken back to Korea. She thought things with the gang were over, but they’re nowhere near finished. Ever since that day, the gang has been plotting their revenge. I mean, Yujin was one of their best and she left with no goodbye. They all figured Yujin had left to spill their secrets to the Sicilian Mob, not knowing she was kidnapped. So, the instant Yujin stepped foot back into LA she had a target on her back. The gang won’t rest until she’s killed- and you and Chaewon by extension because they saw you with her. That is why you need to leave.”

Oh HELL nah. Now Minju is involved in some gang war bullshit!? Are you FUCKING serious!?

Nah. Nah. She genuinely cannot do this right now. Like, even blaming Chaewon won’t make her feel any better. She needs to leave this stupid stuffy basement and get on the first bus out of LA. Literally nothing Chaewon says can get her to stay after hearing that a fucking gang is after them!

“I’ll get them to leave as soon as I get back to our hotel,” Minju says. “Yeah, and then we’ll skip town and go to Nevada or something. Or maybe we’ll just leave the West Coast all together.”

“Ooh, good idea!” Heechul exclaims. “I’ve heard New Jersey is lovely this time of year!”

“No sane person would step foot in New Jersey of all places,” Key says, side-eying Heechul.

“We’ll take you back to your hotel,” Seohyun says. “And once again, we’re really sorry about the whole kidnapping thing.”

“Wait a minute,” Gowoon says, speaking for the first time since her big reveal. After it she’d kinda just hit her vape over and over again for Wonyoung’s entire monologue, all Lana Del Rey-esque. “Why are you guys in LA anyway? Did something happen in Korea that made you come here?”

Oh right. The shock of the kidnapping and the fact that the gang is literally after her made Minju completely forget about the real reason why they came to LA: Chaewon and her stupid fucking plan to reunite Iz*One. And the fact that HYBE was gonna kill them if they stayed in Korea any longer, but that’s less important.

“Chaewon-unnie wants to reunite Iz*One,” Minju replies. “We came to LA to find Wonyoung.”

“Oh my gosh!” Gowoon exclaims and whirls around to face Wonyoung with a huge smile on her face. “Did you hear that, Wony? They want you to come back for the big Iz*One reunion! You’ve been waiting for this day since you guys disbanded, right?”

“Shut up, unnie,” Wonyoung hisses, glaring at the older girl.

“Wait, you want to come back?” Minju asks. “Are you serious, Wonyoung?”

“Well, I, uh, just really miss you guys…” Wonyoung admits, staring at the ground. She kicks a pebble on the floor and bites her lip. “Like, not to be sappy, but you guys were the best friends I ever had.”

“Aww,” Gowoon, Seohyun, Heechul, and Key coo in unison.

“But why!?” Minju shouts. “Iz*One was fun, sure, but you’d really risk the wrath of HYBE just to be with your friends again?”

“Of course I would, unnie!” Wonyoung says. “I freaking love you guys. I’d do anything for us to all be together again- even take down a massive Kpop corporation that has a monopoly on the industry.”

“Don’t say that Wonyoung, you’re making me seem like an asshole for not wanting to rejoin…” Minju mumbles.

“To be fair, it’s lowkey an asshole move,” Seohyun says.

“For real, like you came all the way to LA with Chaewon and you don’t even want to be in the group again? Talk about leading someone on,” Heechul agrees.

“Yeah, and I thought you guys were besties. You know, a real bestie wouldn’t do that,” Key says.

“You’re fake as fuck, Minju,” Gowoon says, then takes a hit from her vape.

“STOP MAKING ME SEEM LIKE THE BAD PERSON HERE!” Minju screams. “It’s not me, it’s Chaewon! If she never dragged me into this mess Yujin wouldn’t be in LA right now with a target on her back! Chaewon’s the root of all our problems! She’s the bad person, not me!”

Seohyun sighs and walks over to Minju. She places a hand on the younger girl’s shoulder and slowly shakes her head. “Minju, I think you have a serious victim complex.”

Everyone nods in agreement.

“I don’t have a complex! I am the victim! Chaewon dragged me into all this crap and ruined my freaking life! I have every right to be upset!” Minju shouts. “It’s Chaewon’s fault, not mine! It’s never my fault!”

“Girlypop, you have deeply rooted issues,” Key says seriously. “When all this HYBE nonsense is over I think you should see a therapist.”

“I don’t need therapy, Chaewon does! And so does Yujin! And I’d go as far as to bet that all you weirdos need it too!” Minju shouts.

“I’m in therapy right now,” Gowoon says and takes a hit from a different vape (this one is signed by the queen herself, Lana Del Rey).

“Yeah, we’re all in or have been in therapy,” Heechul says helpfully.

“Well- I- You-” Minju sputters.

“Listen, Minju-unnie, we can worry about your victim complex later. We need to hurry and get the fuck out of LA before the gang gets Chaewon and Yujin!” Wonyoung exclaims. “Heechul-oppa and Key-oppa, go get the van ready. We’ll be up to join you shortly. Oh, and Seohyun-unnie, will you untie Minju’s hands now?”

As Heechul and Key leave the basement to get the car ready, Seohyun unties Minju’s hands.

“Wony, what are you gonna say to Yujinie once you finally see her again?” Gowoon asks.

“I’m-” Wonyoung swallows. “I’m going to tell her the truth.”

“Okay, no one cares,” Minju says. “Can we hurry up and leave LA already so we don’t fucking die!?”

“Oh right, sorry,” Wonyoung says. “We should get to that.”

So, the four girls rush out of the basement and out of the McDonald’s Minju was being held in against her will and to the white van Heechul and Key have just gotten up and running.

Wonyoung hugs her four friends tightly before getting into the van. “I’ll miss you guys,” she chokes out.

“Don’t cry, Wonyoung, we’ll make sure to see you at Iz*One’s reunion concert,” Seohyun promises.

“Yeah, and we’ll stay in contact too!” Heechul adds.

“You were the best employer we could ask for,” Key says solemnly.

“We shall think of you every waking moment of our lives. You will always be in our thoughts, and our prayers. Wony, you were truly the best thing that’s ever happened to us in our sad pathetic lives,” Gowoon says, taking a page out of Lana Del Rey’s book and being super poetic. “Every sunset and sunrise I bear witness to, I will find comfort in because I know that somewhere, someplace, you are experiencing the same sight.”

“I love you guys, you’re the best minions ever,” Wonyoung sobs.

“Can you guys hurry your sad farewell up?” Minju asks, checking an imaginary watch.

“Oh. Right. Sorry,” Heechul says.

As they pile into the van, Wonyoung turns to Minju. “Oh, by the way, unnie, we need to stop at my private villa to pick up Liz. I can’t just leave her behind to get killed by the gang.”

“But won’t Yujin get mad that Liz is with you?” Minju asks.

“That’s why Liz is coming with us,” Key explains. “We’re gonna go wherever the one billion dollars Wonyoung paid us will take us.”

“Hopefully Aruba,” Gowoon says, crossing her fingers and giggling.

“Or New Jersey, I’ve heard it’s just wonderful this time of year,” Heechul gushes.

“Heechul, no one wants to go to fucking New Jersey, stop bringing it up,” Seohyun says.

“It was worth a try…” Heechul pouts and turns his attention out the window. Assholes. All of them are assholes who can’t appreciate the natural beauty of New Jersey. Like he said, it does tend to be rather lovely this time of year

Chapter Text

“Where the hell are we going!?” Chaewon screams once Minju has safely crammed her, Yujin, Jinsoul, and Wonyoung into their rental car.

“Far away from LA!” Minju shouts, putting the car into drive. “A gang is after Yujin. We need to get out of here before they kill us all.”

“WHY THE FUCK IS A GANG AFTER YUJIN!?” Jinsoul screams, glaring at Minju through the rearview mirror. “I swear to God, we leave you for five minutes and you get all four of us into a load of trouble.”

“You didn’t leave me, I was kidnapped by Wonyoung’s minions!” Minju snaps, slamming her foot on the gas pedal and speeding off through the crowded LA streets like she’s in a John Wick-esque car chase.

Wonyoung laughs awkwardly, “guilty.”

“Speaking of Wonyoung, it’s great that you got her to rejoin Iz*One and everything,” Chaewon exclaims. “I knew this trip to LA would be worth it!”

Minju takes a sharp left that causes everyone crammed into the backseat to fall on top of each other. Wonyoung ends up halfway on Yujin’s lap and is angrily shoved off seconds later.

“Don’t touch me,” Yujin snaps, glaring at Wonyoung. “I still haven’t forgiven you for what you did to me all those years ago.”

“I said I was sorry! What more do you want from me, woman!?” Wonyoung shouts.

“I want all that time I lost because of you back! I want my drug addiction gone! I- I want…” Yujin trails off as her eyes begin to fill with tears.

“H-hey, Yujin, don’t cry,” Chaewon says, twisting around in the passenger seat. “I mean, this is a good thing, right? We got another member of Iz*One back with hardly any trouble! This is an occasion for celebrating, not crying!”

“Chaewon-unnie, we’re kind of in a lot of trouble…” Wonyoung mumbles. “Like, LA’s most notorious gang is literally after us right now. If we don’t make it out of California by sunset, who knows what’ll happen!”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, WONYOUNG!” Yujin screams. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!”

“HOW!??!?! I’M LITERALLY THE REASON YOU GUYS AREN’T ALREADY DEAD!” Wonyoung screams back.

“GUYS! SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Minju screams, turning around so she can glare at the other people in the car. “YOU ARE LITERALLY DISTRACTING ME FROM DRIVING AS SAFELY AS I POSSIBLY CAN WHILE SPEEDING!”

Just as Minju screams those words, the car slams into an innocent pedestrian just trying to cross the street.

After that, it’s chaos. Minju sits there in shock, Wonyoung starts screaming, Yujin grabs onto her and starts sobbing into her shoulder like a giant baby, and Chaewon won’t stop rocking back and forth in her seat whispering “holy shit, we just killed someone” over and over again.

Jinsoul, being the craziest person in the car, gets out of the car, grabs the girl they ran over, and drags her back to the car. She opens the door again and tosses the body onto Yujin and Wonyoung’s laps.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” Wonyoung screams, staring at the girl Minju just ran over.

“MINJU, DRIVE!” Jinsoul shouts. “We don’t have time to get stopped by the cops. Let’s just get this girl help once we’re out of LA!”

Minju turns around to look at Jinsoul incredulously. “Dude, I literally just ran some girl over because you guys wouldn’t stop distracting me!”

Jinsoul groans. “Ugh, fuck this. Minju, get out of the driver's seat and go find someone other than yourself to blame in the back. I’ll drive us out of LA.”

Minju and Jinsoul quickly swap seats and the five girls + the girl they just ran over drive off again. Minju cycles through every single person she’s ever encountered to try and find someone other than herself to blame, and eventually settles on blaming the girl she ran over. I mean, she shouldn’t have been crossing at a red light anyway. If Minju’s being honest, the girl was practically being asked to get run over!

“Wait a damn minute,” Yujin says, finally recovering from her sobbing. She pushes Wonyoung away because they still have beef, remember, and takes a closer look at the girl they ran over. “Is that fucking Phoebe Bridgers?”

“I love Punisher!” Chaewon shouts helpfully from the front seat.

“Chaewon-unnie, I think we just ran over Phoebe Bridgers!” Yujin screeches. “Do you know what this means?”

“Uh, that we can nurse her back to health and force her to perform a private concert for us?” Chaewon suggests.

“Or we can hold her hostage until she writes a really good redebut song for Iz*One?” Wonyoung offers.

“Well, yes to both of those things, but also that we’re literally gonna be on the news! And then her crazy ass stans will track us down!” Yujin shouts.

“Not if we go back to Korea!” Jinsoul shouts. She does some cool work with the steering wheel and spins the car around. “We’re heading to the nearest airport, ladies. It’s time we head back to South Korea.”

“Wait, but won’t HYBE kill us the instant we get back?” Minju practically screams.

“Calm down, Minju-unnie. You’re hysterical,” Wonyoung says, and places her hands on Minju’s shoulders.

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! WE WILL LITERALLY DIE IF WE GO BACK TO SOUTH KOREA,” Minju shrieks.

“THEN WHERE THE FUCK SHOULD WE GO!?” Wonyoung screams back.

Everyone in the car goes silent, clearly not expecting that question. Chaewon uses 100% of her brain power in an attempt to come up with somewhere they can go, then it dawns on her. “Oh my God you guys, we should go to Tokyo!”

“Unnie, Japan is practically underwater,” Minju points out. “‘Cause of climate change and all that stuff.”

“Which is exactly why HYBE will never expect us to be there!” Chaewon says.

Holy shit. This might be one of the first actually intelligent ideas Chaewon has ever had.

“Sounds good to me,” Jinsoul says with a shrug. “Let’s go to Japan!”

Upon arriving at the nearest airport, the former Iz*One members rush Phoebe Bridgers to the closest bathroom and perform emergency first aid on her while Jinsoul tries to find tickets for the next flight to Tokyo.

“Unnie, she’s literally bleeding out!” Wonyoung shouts, staring at the giant wound on Phoebe’s forehead.

“MINJU, APPLY PRESSURE!” Chaewon yells at the other girl who’s been doing nothing but pacing back and forth inside the surprisingly spacious handicap stall they’re inside.

“I DON’T WANNA GET BLOOD ON THIS!” Minju gestures towards her pristine white t-shirt.

Yujin rolls her eyes and takes a shirt out of her suitcase, then presses it against Phoebe’s forehead. She holds it there for a good 10 minutes before Phoebe Bridgers’ eyes shoot open and Yujin has to move the t-shirt to the older woman’s mouth so she doesn’t start screaming.

“Listen, okay,” Minju says in English, seeing the terror on Phoebe’s face. “You’re gonna be fine!”

“We found you like this on the side of the road,” Wonyoung adds, preparing to start gaslighting the famous singer. “My name’s Wonyoung and these are my former bandmates. We’re here to help you.”

Chaewon and Minju turn to Wonyoung with lowkey horrified looks on their faces. They never imagined their youngest member could turn into a professional gaslighter in an instant. Yujin, on the other hand, just scoffs. She learned about and witnessed Wonyoung’s gaslighting capabilities back when Ive was in its prime.

Phoebe Bridgers nods and relaxes a bit, so Yujin pulls the bloodstained t-shirt out of her mouth.

“Thank you,” Phoebe whispers, before shutting her eyes again.

“Wonyoung, what the actual fuck,” Chaewon hisses, once she’s certain Phoebe’s fallen back asleep.

Wonyoung shrugs. “I picked up a couple things once Iz*One disbanded.”

“Picked up a couple things, my ass!” Yujin shouts, glaring at the younger girl. “You’ve always been like this, Wonyoung. You were just good at hiding it. A-all you ever did when we were together in Ive was manipulate anyone who got in your way! You’re sick!”

“Yujin-unnie, can we talk about this some other time? Preferably not in an airport bathroom that anyone could walk into at any time?” Wonyoung asks.

“Fuck you, Wonyoung,” Yujin says, then storms out of the handicapped stall.

Wonyoung turns back to the other girls and laughs awkwardly. “She’s just upset about what happened in the past.”

Chaewon and Minju exchange a glance, before Minju takes a step forward. “I’ll go after her, I guess. You two make sure Phoebe Bridgers doesn’t die in a fucking public bathroom.”

Minju exits the stall in a hurry, leaving Chaewon and Wonyoung behind. The two girls finish taking care of Phoebe’s injuries before Chaewon speaks again, breaking the silence that previously fell on them.

“What happened between you and Yujin?” She asks. “And don’t give me some bullshit about leaving her to go to LA with Liz. I want the truth, Wony.”

Wonyoung takes a deep breath, then pulls a mango ice Elf Bar out of her pocket. She takes a hit, then puts it back into her pocket. “Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person, unnie?” Wonyoung asks. “Like no matter what you do, you’ll always be awful?”

“Not really,” Chaewon admits, shrugging. “I think I’m pretty cool, if I’m being honest. Sure, I was a little upset about getting kicked out of my group, but that was less of a ‘oh I’m so terrible it was no wonder that happened’ and more of a ‘HYBE is freaking corrupt and did this shit on purpose to ruin my life.’”

“Oh. Well, I feel like that all the time,” Wonyoung admits. “Ever since I left Iz*One, I’ve just felt so terrible! It was like, no matter how hard I tried, I still hurt everyone around me- even Yujin.”

Chaewon swallows. Honestly, she has no idea how to respond to this. Like, she’s empathetic, sure, but not to this extent! It’s clear that Wonyoung has some deeply rooted issues (most likely from debuting so young) that Chaewon really doesn’t want to unpack right now. But, because she’s the oldest and probably should be the wisest, she places a hand on Wonyoung’s shoulder and smiles at the younger girl. “I don’t really get it, Wony, but I can tell it’s really bothering you. If it makes things better, you’ve never hurt me! And even if you did, I’d still be your friend.”

Wonyoung sniffles and dabs at her eyes with the sleeves of her shirt. “Really?”

“Totally,” Chaewon says, then pulls the younger girl in for a hug.

“I think, deep down, all people think they’re awful,” Phoebe Bridgers says in English, staring at the embracing friends. “I mean, I’ve cheated on like 5 people, so I know I am! But, instead of keeping it inside and never mentioning it in fear of scaring everyone away, we should try to better ourselves. Try to become better people. I’m trying and it looks like you’re trying too.”

Chaewon leans closer to Wonyoung and whispers, “do you know what she said? I can speak English and all but I’m gonna be so honest here, I only got the part about cheating on 5 people out of that whole monologue she did.”

“Don’t worry, unnie, you didn’t miss much,” Wonyoung whispers back, then lets go of Chaewon to step closer to Phoebe.

“I hope my speech inspired you guys,” Phoebe Bridgers says, grinning.

“It did, Phoebe Bridgers-sunbaenim. It really did,” Wonoung says.

“Wait what,” Chaewon says. “Am I missing something here? How did her speech about cheating on 5 people make you feel inspired?”

“I’m going to become a better person now, unnie,” Wonyoung says. “After hearing Phoebe-sunbaenim’s speech I’ve realized that I can never be as bad as her! I mean, I never cheated on anybody! All I did was gaslight and manipulate people!”

“That’s… great?”

“My first step to becoming a good person is to apologize to Yujin!” Wonyoung exclaims. “I hate to do this, unnie, but can you watch Phoebe until I get back? It’ll only be a few minutes.”

“What! No way! My English sucks and this girl is weird!” Chaewon shouts, but it’s too late- Wonyoung’s already walked out of the handicap stall, leaving Chaewon and Phoebe Bridgers behind.

“So… know any Emilys?” Phoebe asks.

Chaewon groans and buries her face in her hands. Of fucking course she gets stuck with the weirdo that Minju literally ran over not even an hour ago.

While Chaewon stands inside the handicap stall listening to Phoebe Bridgers perform her entire discography, Wonyoung cautiously approaches Yujin and Minju. The two former Iz*One members are standing near the vending machines talking about something in low voices. When Wonyoung fully comes into view, they instantly shut up and glare at her.

“What do you want?” Yujin asks.

“Yeah, what do you want?” Minju echos, clearly glad she has someone other than herself to blame for their entire trip to LA being a shitshow.

“I… I want to apologize,” Wonyoung says, taking a step closer to Yujin.

“Oh, well, I’m excited to hear what kind of bullshit you consider an apology. Make sure to show remorse for the shit you put me through, asshole,” Yujin says.

Wonyoung hesitates, then reaches out her hands. She holds them expectantly, until Yujin makes a big show of rolling her eyes and sighing, before taking Wonyoung’s hands in her own.

“Just like how we used to in IVE, right?” Wonyoung says, smiling.

“Uh, should I leave? I feel like I’m watching a private moment right now…” Minju mumbles.

“Stay, unnie. I’ll need you here if I decide to beat the shit out of Wonyoung for her shitty apology,” Yujin says.

Wonyoung takes a deep breath, then gives Yujin the most serious expression she can muster. “Yujin-unnie, I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have abandoned you to go to LA with Liz, leaving you to fall into a life of drugs. I should've been there for you. The way friends are supposed to. You were the most important person in my life and I left you alone,” she says quietly. She feels terrible, and she knows that Yujin doesn’t deserve her dragging her back into her life. “I’m truly sorry. I really am. My time in LA has made me realize I really don’t know what to do without you. Please forgive me, I need my best friend back.”

Yujin stares at Wonyoung for a beat, before letting go of the younger girl’s hands so she can pull her into a tight embrace. “I forgive you, Wonyoung-ah. Of course I forgive you. I- Do you know how long I’ve waited for this moment? I just… All I needed was for you to be honest with me. To finally apologize and show regret for your actions. So, I forgive you. Because you’ve finally given me the strength I need to move on.”

“Unnie,” Wonyoung chokes out, then dissolves into sobs. “I’ve been so lonely without you.”

“So have I, Wony,” Yujin says, stroking the back of Wonyoung's head. “You're my best friend no matter what.”

Wonyoung nods her head fervently against Yujin's shoulder, then sniffles and wipes the corner of her eyes. Even the moment she won first place in Produce 48 can’t compare to this. She’s never felt more loved in her life. “Can we go find everyone else now?” she asks, looking at the crowd of people in the airport. “I think they're staring at us.”

“Uh, yeah, and for good reason. You guys literally made a fucking scene in the middle of the airport,” Minju says, rudely butting into the conversation.

“Shut up, Minju-unnie! We literally aren’t talking to you,” Wonyoung says, glaring at Minju for totally interrupting her super romantic moment with Yujin.

“Fuck you, Wonyoung,” Minju mutters. “This shit is all your fault anyway.”

Before Wonyoung can lunge at Minju, Phoebe Bridgers, Chaewon, and Jinsoul approach the three girls.

“I got six tickets to Tokyo,” Jinsoul says, fanning herself with the most likely ridiculously expensive tickets. “The flight leaves in a half hour.”

“How’d you get tickets for a flight that leaves in a half hour?” Phoebe Bridgers asks, staring at Jinsoul in awe.

Jinsoul shrugs. “I have my ways. And by that I mean I scammed a group of elderly white women planning on visiting relatives in Toronto who accidentally bought tickets to Tokyo. I told them I’d pay for their flights to Toronto in exchange for the tickets they bought by accident.”

“Did you? Pay for their flights, I mean,” Chaewon asks.

“Of course not, Chaewon. Do I look like I’m made of money?” Jinsoul says, rolling her eyes like the whole scamming elderly women part should’ve been obvious. “I gave them a fake phone number and took the tickets. Speaking of, we should probably hurry to gate 5 before they realize it isn’t my actual number…”

“Yeah, I think that’d be for the best,” Chaewon says.

Chapter Text

Two days ago, all the idols at HYBE started acting super weird.

Like, Seungwan didn’t even have a screaming match with Sakura first thing in the morning when she went to pick her up for schedules! It wasn’t like Sakura was indifferent, no, she was… polite.

Even when Seungwan called Eunchae a lazy fuck, the younger girl didn’t retaliate with an insult so brutal that Seungwan would contemplate ending it all for at least three hours afterwards. Instead, she just nodded and thanked Seungwan for pointing out her bad behavior.

“Don’t you guys find it a little suspicious that everyone’s nice all of a sudden?” Seungwan asks the elite HYBE janitor team, Mamamoo, the instant they enter the shitty staff break room.

And by shitty, I mean fucking terrible. The staff room, and the majority of other facilities reserved for HYBE staff such as bathrooms, are located in the shitty sub basement that’s only half furnished. After a while, the tile turns to dirt and if you’re unlucky, you can stumble into the HYBE catacombs. (Allegedly the bodies of flop idols are hidden there, but Seungwan doesn’t really believe it) The door of the staff room is hanging off the hinges, the chairs are all stained lawn chairs and half of them only have one arm rest. The wallpaper is some shade of green that resembles puke, and the counters nailed into the walls are practically falling off. The coffee machine looks like it’s from 1974 and acts like it too considering all of the coffee it makes comes out tasting vaguely like mud. There isn’t even a clock in the room for God’s sake!

“Yeah…” Byulyi says, nodding slowly. “I mean, that bitchy soloist Nayeon smiled at me today when I accidentally spilled tea on her! Like, usually she would’ve come at me swinging.”

“Right! It’s super weird!” Wheein exclaims. “I’m so glad it’s not just me noticing it.”

“Super weird,” Hyuna agrees.

“Hyuna, shut the fuck up. You aren’t Hwasa and none of us like you,” Yongsun says, glaring at the younger girl.

“Okay, sorry. You don’t have to be a bitch about it. I’m as pissed as you are that I’m stuck in your stupid janitor force all because your friend kicked the bucket,” Hyuna mutters.

“SHE’S NOT DEAD, SHE’S JUST MISSING!” Wheein screams, then bursts into tears. Yongsun places a reassuring hand on the younger girl’s shoulder and glares at Hyuna even harder if that’s possible.

“Now look at what you’ve done, asshole. You made Wheein cry!” Byulyi shouts.

Seungwan groans and buries her face in her hands. Jesus Christ, she almost forgot how fucking annoying the elite janitor team, Mamamoo, is. At least they’re acting normal, though. Seungwan’s not entirely sure what she’d do if these assholes started acting as weird as the HYBE idols.

“Hey, I’m thirsty,” Hyuna says suddenly. “Wend- I mean Seungwan, go get us something to drink.”

“Why me!?” Seungwan shouts indignantly.

“You’re the youngest, duh,” Byulyi says, rolling her eyes.

“No I’m not, Wheein is!”

“Yeah, well, Wheein’s a mess right now, so now the task falls to you,” Yongsun says while rubbing Wheein’s back as the younger girl sobs.

“Fuck you guys,” Seungwan says, but begrudgingly leaves the staff room to go find something to drink other than the shitty dirt flavored coffee the staff room has.

She ends up stopping at an ancient looking vending machine by one of the sub basement practice rooms for the flop groups under HYBE. She buys a diet coke for Wheein, a pink lemonade snapple for Hyuna (which attests to how freaking old this vending machine must be considering pink lemonade snapples were discontinued back in 2024), some ginseng tea for Byulyi, boxed water for Yongsun, and some allegedly hot (but most likely lukewarm) chocolate for herself.

She opens her hot chocolate and takes a sip, then starts to head back to the staff room. She makes it about halfway there before she bumps into someone. Her hot chocolate goes flying, spilling out of the can and landing on herself and the girl she bumped into. Seungwan hesitantly looks up and gulps. Oh fuck. She just bumped into Kazuha.

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” She shouts and even bows for good measure. Yeah, she fucking hates HYBE idols, but they could get her fired in an instant if she ever did something that they could claim was abuse- other than verbal abuse that is. Seungwan gets away with that just fine.

“It’s-” Kazuha pauses. She stands there, staring at Seungwan for a solid one minute, almost like she’s a robot rebooting. Then, she blinks. “Why the fuck am I in the sub basement?” She asks.

“What?” Seungwan gives Kazuha a weird look. “How should I know! I didn’t tell you to come down, that’s for sure!”

Kazuha groans and presses a hand to her forehead. “I- What have I been doing for the past few days? I can’t remember anything.”

“Just your usual Le Sserafim schedules,” Seungwan says. “Are you feeling alright? Do you want me to like- take you to a doctor?”

Now, Seungwan may hate HYBE idols with her entire being, but she’s not a fucking asshole. She’s gonna ask this poor kid how she’s doing because like, it’s clear nobody else is. All HYBE cares about is money, not mental health. If they found out Kazuha was having memory problems, they’d probably just heavily sedate her with meds and hope for the best instead of actually helping!

“No!” Kazuha shouts. “No, I- they’ll just send me back to HYBE! And then HYBE’ll send me to some specialist who’ll tell me it’s just my chip malfunctioning!”

“Your chip?” Seungwan asks, raising an eyebrow. “What the fuck is that? I feel so out of the loop right now. Like, I get I’m just a manager but have some decency to tell me shit.”

“Uh, the chips HYBE gave all of us a couple months ago. A little after Chaewon-unnie got kicked out,” Kazuha explains. “They recently got a software update too… I remember going to see Shindong-ssi for the update, but nothing after that.”

Holy fucking shit.

Seungwan stares at Kazuha in shock. It all makes sense now. The weird behavior, the fact that no one was an asshole to her, and why Kazuha had gaps in her memory. The fucking chips HYBE inserted were mind control chips! All the idols at HYBE have been walking around like zombies this whole time and Seungwan never even noticed!

“Kazuha, I think they were using those chips as mind control devices,” Seungwan says.

“Really, unnie!?” Kazuha shouts. “I guess that makes sense. It explains all the gaps in my memory. But why did the chip just suddenly stop working?”

“Because I spilled a drink on you! Water must stop them from functioning!” Seungwan exclaims. Yeah, Obama Award genius right here. No need to thank her for her superior intellect.

“That makes no sense, unnie. We have to shower even if we’re being mind controlled,” Kazuha deadpans. “Maybe other types of drinks?”

“Fuck, that can’t be it either. Byulyi-unnie spilled all her tea on Nayeon earlier,” Seungwan says. Never mind. The Obama Award genius is not here. Please don’t comment on her below average intellect.

“Then, maybe it’s just hot chocolate,” Kazuha says.

“Or, maybe it’s just the hot chocolate from this very vending machine…” Seungwan says, eyes widening. “Holy shit, we need to buy all of it. And- and we should test other drinks too. See what works and doesn’t work. Kazuha, this is our chance to stop HYBE’s mind control. If we expose them for this, we can take them down once and for all. And once we expose them, Seulgi and I can finally be happy!”

“Seulgi? What does Seulgi-ssi from Irene&Seulgi have to do with this?” Kazuha asks, tilting her head to the side. “Are you guys still friends or something? Because I could’ve sworn she said in an interview that she doesn’t talk to any of her former members besides Irene.”

Seungwan sighs. “It’s complicated. We, uh, were kinda a thing, but when HYBE acquired SM they found out and fucking blackmailed me. They disbanded Red Velvet and debuted Joohyun-unnie and Seulgi as a duo. And me? I had to become a fucking manager to prevent them from leaking me and Seulgi’s relationship to the public.”

“Oh… That must’ve been hard.” Kazuha hesitantly places a hand on Seungwan’s shoulder.

“It’s fine. I'm totally over it anyway.”

“It’s okay for you not to be, unnie,” Kazuha says. “I mean, I kinda get it. Chaewon and I were always like, almost a thing, but then she just left and never came back! Obviously, it’s not as bad as getting blackmailed into breaking up with your girlfriend, but I can understand losing someone you really love.”

Wow, Seungwan seriously misjudged Kazuha. She isn’t a conceited bitch who doesn’t care about the other people around her, she’s actually… really nice. Maybe all HYBE idols are like this. Maybe Seungwan’s hatred is misplaced. Rather than hating the idols under the company, maybe she should hate the company itself instead.

“Kazuha,” Seungwan says as a grin slowly begins to grow on her face. “Help me carry as much chocolate milk as you can. We have a lot of idols we need to spill it on.”

Chapter Text

Yuna hates this stupid cat.

All it does is sit around and glare at her, harass Sarang when it isn’t sitting around doing nothing, and talk. It’s not allowed to freaking talk! Like, Yuna turned her into a cat and cats aren’t supposed to be able to speak Korean!

She should’ve kept the other one instead of abandoning it in the middle of Seoul like CEO Park asked. Or maybe the other other one that she abandoned in Busan.

Suddenly, the stupid cat- Yuna can’t really remember its name- steps on the remote and completely turns off the movie Yuna and Lia were watching.

“Yuna, control your freaking cat!” Lia shouts, glaring at it.

“It’s not my cat! CEO Park just made me take her in case the other cats found a human to turn them back to normal or something,” Yuna says. “Honestly, I don’t really know what he was talking about ‘cause like I thought only people in Russia could do this kind of dark magic!”

“Hey assholes, I’m right here!” The cat says. “Don’t call me a cat! My name is Raina and technically I’m your senior. After School outsold and outdid you sorry excuse for a Kpop group!”

“What the hell is After School?” Ryujin calls from the kitchen. She enters the living room with a carton of orange juice in her hand and offers it to Lia.

Raina sighs and rolls her eyes. “I was in Orange Caramel.”

“Oooh, I loved Catallena!” Chaeryeong cheers from the hallway. She walks into the living room and takes a seat next to Yuna on the couch, throwing an arm around her shoulders.

“Why is Catallena the only Orange Caramel song you idiots know!? Like, you’ve never heard Magical Girl? Or So Sorry? Or Shanghai Romance?” Raina asks.

“Sorry Sorry? Are you guys talking to Shindong or something?” Yeji asks, poking her head into the room.

“No, we’re talking to Yuna’s new cat,” Ryujin replies.

“THE SONG IS SO SORRY! NOT THAT SUPER JUNIOR BULL CRAP!” Raina screeches. “I hate you stupid 4th gen groups. It’s like you have no respect for the groups that came before you. Who made much better music, mind you.”

Yuna groans and buries her face in her hands. She needs to get rid of this asshole cat and fast.

“Oh right, I wanted to ask you guys if you’ve gone to your appointments with Shindong yet,” Yeji says.

“Mine is tomorrow,” Lia says. She takes a sip of the orange juice straight from the carton like a barbarian and hands it back to Ryujin.

“Ryujin and I went yesterday,” Chaeryeong says.

An appointment with Shindong? Yuna’s pretty sure she doesn’t have one scheduled. Actually, she’s 100% sure she doesn’t have one scheduled because if she did she would’ve been in her room crying right now instead of arguing with the asshole cat.

“I don’t have one,” Yuna says, furrowing her eyebrows.

“What? Why not? He’s doing a complete chip software update,” Ryujin says. “Do you think we should go ask CEO Park why you don’t have one scheduled?”

“She doesn’t have one because CEO Park is already controlling her mind,” Raina says. “Obviously there’s no need to add a mind control feature to her chip if she’s already being directly manipulated by the CEO to do whatever he says.”

“Dawg, what are you talking about?” Chaeryeong asks, giving Raina a weird look.

“Cat,” Raina corrects.

“But like, wouldn’t we lose our memories if there was a mind control feature?” Ryujin asks. “I feel like in every show I’ve seen with a mind control subplot the characters never remembered what they do while under mind control. I dunno about Chaer, but I remember everything I’ve done since I got the chip update.”

Chaeryeong nods. “Same here. I just think Raina’s saying this to get revenge on HYBE for turning her into a cat in the first place. Like, she’s trying to sow doubt into us.”

Well, if Raina’s trying to sow doubt into the members of Itzy, it sure as hell is working on Yuna. Like, she’s making valid points not even gonna lie. The whole, “Yuna not having a chip update because CEO Park is already personally manipulating her” does make a little sense. Yuna chews her lip for a couple seconds before Yeji places a reassuring hand on her left shoulder.

“Don’t listen to the cat, Yuna. It’s just saying this crap to spite us,” Yeji says.

“No! Listen to me!” Raina shouts. “Turn me back into a human!”

“No!” All five members of Itzy shout.

“Well, it was worth a try,” Raina mumbles. She dramatically turns towards the massive window on the left wall and stares out it. “Somewhere, someone out there is on their way to save me. I dunno who and I dunno when, but they’ll save me. Lizzy and Nana will make sure they do.”

“Girl, stop monologuing. No one gives a fuck,” Ryujin says.

Raina glares at Ryujin, if it’s even possible for cats to glare, and storms out of the room.

She hates these stupid 4th gen idols that have no respect for their seniors.

///

Just as Raina said in her dramatic monologue, there really is someone out there on their way to save her. Who is this mystery person, you might be wondering? Well, it’s Hyewon.

She and Lizzy find Nana the instant their train arrives in Busan. It’s honestly kinda surprising how fast they find her. She’s just chilling on the train station platform, as if she somehow knew they’d be arriving on the exact train they arrived on… Scary stuff. As soon as they find her, Nana leads them to this shady bar located down an even shadier back alley. The eye-slot on the door slides open and a deep voice says, “password?”

Nana turns to Hyewon expectantly, who takes that as her hint to pick the cat up. Once Nana is eye-level with the eye-slot she says, “you make me feel special.”

“You may enter,” the deep voice says.

The eye-slot slides closed and a couple seconds later the heavy door opens. Nana, taking the lead, walks into the bar like she owns the place and flicks her tail over at a table in the far left corner. “Wait there. I’ll go get the capo mandamento.”

“What the fuck,” Hyewon hisses to Lizzy.

“I don’t know. How would I have any idea what Nana’s been up to for the past few months when I literally haven’t seen or heard from her?” Lizzy asks, giving Hyewon an unimpressed look.

Hyewon glances around the shady bar nervously. There are a couple of white guys sharing a beer at a table near them with stereotypical mobster haircuts. The men are conversing obnoxiously loud in American-accented Italian that makes Hyewon want to tear her ears off. She glances at Lizzy nervously and swallows.

“Do you think- Is this place a fucking mob lair?” She asks.

“I think so,” Lizzy mumbles, eying the menacing bartender with a bushy mustache.

As Hyewon and Lizzy panic over the fact that they may or may not be in a literal mob lair, Nana returns with the capo mandamento she left to find. Hyewon looks up the moment Nana and the capo mandamento reach their table and her jaw freaking drops.

“Sana-sunbae!?” Hyewon shrieks.

“Hiya, Hyewon-ah!” Sana exclaims, beaming at the younger girl. “How’ve you been? Has Burger King been treating you well? If they haven’t, I’ve got a couple of guys I can send over there to rough ‘em up.”

What the actual fuck. Why is Sana acting like she’s a mafia boss!? There’s no way sweet, funny, gentle, kind Sana from TWICE became a whole mob boss after disbandment. There’s no freaking way. Hyewon refuses to believe it.

“Sana-ssi, did you join the fucking mob??” Lizzy asks, staring at the girl incredulously.

“I didn’t just join it- I run it! You know how Momo’s dad was super involved in some shady Yakuza stuff? Well, he got me involved with the Scilian mob after TWICE disbanded two years ago. I went through the ranks, playing it safe, ya know. But after a while, playing fair got super boring. So I killed their capo mandamento and took his spot! And here I am now!” Sana does jazz hands and turns to the men in the bar. She shoots them a glare and they all instantly burst into applause.

“You said it, boss!” One of the guys says in heavily accented Korean.

“Are there any other idols part of the Scilian mob that we should know about?” Hyewon asks.

Sana nods. She turns to one of the men, a guy wearing an eyepatch, and snaps her fingers. “Bring me the underboss and my personally appointed capos.”

“Yes ma’am!” The man says, then jumps to his feet and rushes out of the room.

“As I was saying,” Sana says, clearing her throat. “A ton of my friends decided to join the mafia with me! After I killed the boring old capo mandamento I decided to appoint all of them as capos! And, I appointed my closest most loyal friend as the underboss!”

Lizzy makes a face and whispers to Hyewon, “can we get out of here? This girl clearly seems like she won’t be of any help.”

“I heard that, Lizzy!” Sana says sharply, glaring at the cat. “If you were part of the family I would’ve killed you for talking behind my back! And, for your information, I can help you get turned back into a human. Once Stefano gets back with my friends we can get right to solving your little cat issue.”

Almost as if Sana’s words summon him, Stefano returns with former Kpop idols Hirai Momo, Cho Miyeon, Kim Yugyeom, and Kim Seungmin, as well as a man wearing a long trench coat that Hyewon’s never seen before in her life.

“Meet the family,” Sana says in English in an exaggerated New York accent. She tries to put her arms around all five of them, but fails miserably. “Momo, my second in command. Yugyeom and Seungmin work as my favorite capos! Miyeon’s also a capo but she has an… interesting ability that makes her better suited for work more important than turf wars. And this… this is my life’s work. Alexander Pushkin.”

Lizzy’s jaw drops. “Alexander Pushkin!? As in Russian playwright/poet/novelist Alexander Pushkin!?”

“In the flesh,” Pushkin says, waving awkwardly at Hyewon and Lizzy.

“B-but how? You’ve been dead for almost 200 years!”

Pushkin turns to Sana. “Do you want to explain?”

“Of course, Sasha,” Sana says. “As I said before, Miyeon’s ability is of far more use in matters besides turf wars. After Cube disbanded (G)I-dle in one final act of rebellion before HYBE bought them up, Miyeon was blessed by the Chicken Gods with an extraordinary gift. The gift of necromancy.”

Hyewon shivers. She seriously does not like this new and improved Minatozaki Sana. She misses the old Sana who’d crack a joke or do aegyo to break the tension, not carry out a conversation with such a serious look on her face. Hyewon doesn’t like this one bit.

“But why Pushkin?” Lizzy asks. “Out of every dead person you could’ve chosen to resurrect, you chose Alexander Pushkin!?”

“We picked him for a reason, obviously,” Miyeon says, rolling her eyes.

“How dare you question the don,” Yugyeom adds.

“We chose Pushkin because of you,” Sana says. “After finding out that the Dark Arts taught only in the coldest parts of Russia had been learned by Yuna, we knew we had to act. Miyeon resurrected Pushkin, the creator of these Dark Arts, for one reason: we must learn them too. It’s our only way to stop this new dark wizard from becoming too powerful and destroying all the territory we rightfully claimed for the Scilian mafia. Unfortunately, none of us were able to learn these abilities. We did not have the potential. You, on the other hand.” She turns to Hyewon. “Because of your uselessness, you have unlimited, untapped potential. You are the only one who can learn these Dark Arts and stop Shin Yuna.”

“I’ll teach you!” Pushkin adds. “And with my help you’ll be able to turn all of Orange Caramel back into humans!”

Honestly, Hyewon really doesn’t want to do this. The whole getting taught Dark Arts by a dead guy is a total turn off. But, when she nervously eyes the members of Sana’s family she notices how they all look like they could snap her in half like a toothpick if she made even the slightest mistake. So, she sighs and surrenders without even putting up a fight. “Okay, Alexander Pushkin. Teach me the Dark Arts so I can turn Lizzy, Raina, and Nana back into humans, kill Yuna, and save the Sicilan mob’s territory from getting destroyed,” she says.

“Oh goody!” Sana exclaims. She slides into the booth next to Hyewon and pulls her into a tight hug. “I’m so excited to be working with you, Hyewonie!”

“Lorenzo, can we get drinks for 8 over here?” Momo calls to the menacing bartender.

“Of course, ma’am. Coming right up.” Lorenzo switches on the TV for some background noise, then starts mixing the drinks.

Sana talks Hyewon’s ear off about how excited she is to be working together and how they’re gonna do great things together, believe her. Hyewon tunes her out once Lorenzo brings their drinks over and the executives of the family pack themselves into the booth Hyewon and Lizzy were sitting in.

As Nana and Lizzy recount some highlights of their time in After School to the executives, Hyewon notices a particular caption underneath the newscaster: “Harry Styles dead at 34.”

“Turn that up!” Hyewon shouts.

Lorenzo nods and turns the TV up a generous amount.

“World renowned British Pop-singer Harry Styles was found dead in his hotel room in Birmingham at 3:45 AM by his hot younger model girlfriend- whose name is omitted because she was more of an object than a girlfriend. For our viewers' sake, we won’t show images of the body once it was found, but it looked as if he had the life sucked out of him- literally. Later tests at the coroners showed that all the blood had been drained from Harry’s body before the time of death. Whoever killed this man must’ve really had it out for him.”

Hyewon stares at the screen in shock. Nako did it. She really fucking did it. She killed Harry Styles’ annoying, ugly, British ass and freed the world from him, just like she said she would.

Oh shit, this makes things even more complicated.

///

Nako returns to Korea a day after killing Harry Styles.

The plan went smoothly, almost too smoothly. Although Nako took the highest level of precaution she could, she’s still rather shocked she made it home easily. After all, the King’s royal guard had shut down all the airports within a 3 hour distance of the hotel room where Harry was killed in hopes of catching the killer. But, since Nako is a vampire blessed with all kinds of fun vampire powers, she used her vampire super speed to run to the furthest airport she could find on google maps. After that, it was smooth sailing. Straight home to her and Hyewon’s apartment in South Korea within 13 hours.

She swings the door open with a loud exaggerated, “honey, I’m home!” but gets no response. Frowning, Nako walks further into the apartment and finds it practically deserted.

“Where the heck is she?” Nako mutters, checking under the couch cushions to make sure Hyewon wasn’t sucked into it while she was gone.

Nako searches about half of the apartment before her stomach growls. She wanders into the kitchen and opens up the fridge to look for something to eat. The fridge is, shockingly, filled with tupperware containing all of Nako’s favorites. She lifts up one of the plastic containers and notices a bright pink sticky note on it, which reads as follows,

“Nako! I would say I made all your favorites, but I literally can’t cook. Instead, I bought them from your favorite restaurants and put them in the fridge hoping for the best. Hopefully they aren’t bad by the time you get home! -Hyewon”

“Gee, isn’t she sweet,” Nako says, folding the sticky note and placing it into her pocket.

She warms up the leftovers, grabs chopsticks from a drawer, and takes a seat at the kitchen table. Then, Nako finally notices the note Hyewon left behind when she first left to turn Orange Caramel back into humans. Nako reads the note quickly, then folds it and places it into her pocket with the sticky note.

After contemplating going to find Hyewon and finishing her meal, the phone attached to the kitchen wall rings. It’s one of those old fashioned land lines that’s probably been in the apartment since it was built- and probably hasn’t rung since then either.

“Maybe it’s one of my friends from Transylvania,” Nako muses as she lifts the phone up. “They never use cell phones.”

“Is this Kang Hyewon-ssi?” The caller asks.

“Nope! Hyewon-unnie’s away in Busan,” Nako says. “I’m Yabuki Nako, her, uh, roommate.”

“Nako!? Is it really you!?” The caller shouts.

“Yup!” Nako exclaims. “Why do you ask? Have we met before? Did I bite you after a fan sign? Crap. I did, didn’t I. And now you’re calling to get the settlement money, aren’t you!? Please don’t! I can hardly afford re-”

“Nako, you never bit me after a fan sign? Why the fuck would you do that?” The caller asks incredulously.

“If you’re not Yuki-chan, who are you? And why are you calling me?” Nako asks. “Oh geez, what if you’re the police!? Listen, Officer So-and-so, it wasn’t me, okay! I didn’t kill Harry Styles! It was my evil twin!”

The caller goes silent for a beat.

“What the hell.”

“Please don’t arrest me!” Nako shrieks.

“Oh my God, relax! I’m not the cops or Yuki-chan or any other random person you decide I am! I’m Kwon Eunbi, and in case your incessant paranoia made you forget, I’m from Iz*One. I’m calling because I wanted to check if Hyewon’s coming to my wedding, since she never responded to the RSVP form,” Eunbi explains, most likely rolling her eyes on the other side of the line.

“Eunbi-unnie, you’re getting married!?” Nako’s eyes widen comically and she practically drops the phone. “To who? When? Why wasn’t I invited?”

“Calm down, Nako,” Eunbi says.

“I can’t calm down!” Nako shouts. “You’re getting married to some random person and never even bothered to tell me! I mean, that’s basically a level 100 betrayal!”

Eunbi sighs. “Look, I didn’t invite you because no one knew where you were! You were off the grid for ages, and I’m pretty sure Yuri and Hitomi still are. If I’d known you were back in Seoul and living with Hyewon-ah I would’ve invited you!”

“Okay, I guess I can accept that,” Nako says, “but who the heck are you marrying!?”

Eunbi hesitates. She doesn’t say anything for a good minute, before quietly speaking, “Shin Donghee.”

“Who?” Nako asks.

“He’s, uh, Shindong,” Eunbi says.

“UNNIE, WHAT THE FU-”

“LISTEN!” Eunbi screeches, desperately trying to defend himself. “He’s really not that bad, and he’s got a good stable job at HYBE now! My mom’s matchmaker set us up a year ago and, honestly, it was kinda love at first sight.”

Nako’s jaw drops. There’s no freaking way Eunbi had a love at first sight moment with freaking SHINDONG! NO FREAKING WAY. “Y-you’re joking, right?”

“Why would I joke about love?” Eunbi asks.

“Because, like, it’s freaking Shindong! He’s ugly and a jerk-face! Why would you wanna marry him!??” Nako asks.

“BECAUSE I LOVE HIM, OKAY!” Eunbi screams, practically shattering Nako’s eardrum from the sheer volume of it. Eunbi takes some deep breaths and composes herself. “The wedding’s in three days. I’d love to see you there, Nako.”

Then, she hangs up.

Nako stands there for a good 15 minutes, just holding the phone to her ear in shock.

There’s no freaking way.

Seriously, no way.

Once the shock begins to fade, Nako places the phone back on its hook and tosses her dishes into the sink absentmindedly. She considers calling another one of her former members to ask if they’ve been invited to Eunbi’s wedding with freaking Shindong, but then she remembers she can’t because she doesn’t know any of their numbers, which just makes her feel worse.

“This sucks!” Nako shouts, flopping onto the couch and kicking her feet in the air like a child throwing a tantrum. “Why is Eunbi-unnie marrying that weirdo!? And why’d she have to tell me while I was in a good mood?”

Nako wishes Hyewon were home, so they could make fun of Eunbi’s terrible taste in men together. But, Hyewon’s in Busan fulfilling her “true potential” without Nako. And Nako’s on the terribly uncomfortable couch wondering what the heck she’s supposed to wear to Eunbi’s wedding.

“I mean, Hyewon-unnie doesn’t need to tap into her potential! She’s perfectly fine the way she is, no matter how useless, right, Meowy!” Nako exclaims, then instantly deflates. Right, Hyewon took Meowy with her to Busan.

The apartment suddenly feels a lot larger than usual and Nako’s not really sure what to do about that. Her mansion in Transylvania never felt like this, and it was even bigger and emptier than Hyewon’s cluttered apartment.

“Ugh, I feel gross,” Nako says, flipping over so she can stare at the ceiling.

Honestly, it really is a gross feeling. A gross feeling that starts in her stomach and bubbles up to the base of her throat that Nako doesn’t like one bit. If Hyewon were here, maybe Nako would feel a little better. Maybe the gross feeling would go away and she could go back to her vampire staple of not feeling at all.

“Like, what’s the point of being a heartless immortal being if I’m still gonna feel gross whenever I’m alone!” Nako shouts.

Oh.

Maybe that’s it. The fact that she’s alone. She’s felt lonely before, after all, but that was way before she was turned into a vampire. Besides, that kind of loneliness never felt like… this. Like the feeling would never go away until Hyewon came swooping into the apartment with tons of souvenirs and the fully human Orange Caramel group behind her. Actually, scratch that last part. Nako would rather Hyewon enter by herself and instantly pull Nako into a hug and whisper an “I miss you” into Nako’s ear.

The gross feeling gets worse and Nako rolls off the couch.

Suddenly, she gets a genius idea that makes her shoot up onto her feet, “Oh! Maybe this is a new type of yearning only vampires experience!” She says, because underneath all the scary intelligence that comes with being a vampire, she’s an idiot.

Chapter Text

Three hours before Eunbi’s wedding with Shindong begins, Yuri and Junmyeon meet up with the former idols they recruited for their plan at a Tteok-bokki stand. Everyone was dressed in their Sunday best, completely ready to act like regular Christian enthusiastic wedding guests, when in reality they were there for a completely different reason.

“Everyone’s clear on the plan, right?” Yuri asks once she finishes eating.

Meiqi, a former member of WJSN (Although the group is still active under HYBE, the entire C-line left it back in 2023, along with Dawon and Seola who left to join the BTS Commune in Nepal), raises her hand. “Uh, I’m still not entirely clear on why I’m even here… I left the Kpop industry years ago, and I don’t even know Kwon Eunbi! I literally only came because Junmyeon-oppa said I had to be his plus one.”

Yuri rolls her eyes, clearly annoyed by this girl’s stupidity. Obviously everyone involved in the plan is bringing a plus one so they can appear as wholesomely heterosexual as possible to avoid suspicion.

“Oh, about that…” Junmyeon says, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. “I only invited you because we drew cards of former idols that were no longer connected to HYBE and I picked yours…”

“So, you don’t have any interest in me as a person?” Meiqi asks.

Junmyeon shakes his head.

Jeon Wonwoo, Yuri’s plus one, suddenly speaks for the first time since they entered the restaurant. (Upon entering, he’d instantly sat down and pulled out his phone. Once the food finally arrived, he started eating it without paying anyone else a second thought.) “Wait, but like, why are we plus ones again? I didn’t pay attention when Yuri explained it to me.”

“BECAUSE WE HAVE TO LOOK LIKE HAPPY CHRISTIANS SO EUNBI DOESN’T GET SUSPICIOUS!” Yuri screams. She glances around the restaurant nervously to make sure no one is paying attention. Once she’s certain everyone who looked over after her outburst has returned to their meals, she lowers her voice to a whisper. “Because like, we’re literally only going to the wedding to kill the groom, remember?”

“Oooh, right. I forgot about that,” Wonwoo says, nodding.

“Wait, but won’t me being Yena’s plus one be kinda suspicious? I mean… look at us,” Taemin says, waving at him and Yena.

“That’s why we’re telling Eunbi that Junmyeon and Yuri took me to a church and I had like a revelation. Apparently I saw a bright light and was healed of my homosexual ways,” Yena recites looking unbelievably bored.

“I’ll say I had a revelation too, I guess…” Taemin says.

Meiqi hesitates, then raises her hand again. “Wait, why is Eunbi suddenly a crazy Christian? And why is she marrying Shindong?”

Yuri and Junmyeon exchange a look. They turn back to Meiqi and Junmyeon gestures to Yuri to explain.

“She’s under HYBE mind control. It’s convinced her she’s a good Evangelical Christian that’s in love with fucking Shindong,” Yuri explains. “If we can kill Shindong, the mind control ends, freeing Eunbi and all the other idols under HYBE.”

“But like… why?” Meiqi asks. “You guys aren’t idols under HYBE, and as far as I know you don’t associate with any of them either.”

“Because we aren’t allowed to,” Junmyeon mutters bitterly. “They’ve been banned from contact with the outside world ever since the HYBE executives got word of Chaewon planning on reuniting Iz*One.”

“And it’s the only way to prevent World War III,” Yuri adds.

Wonwoo turns to Meiqi and Taemin and mouths, “what the fuck?”

Taemin shrugs and mouths, “I have no fucking clue. I’m just here because Junmyeon promised to treat me to a meal at the most expensive restaurant in Korea” back.

Once they finish eating, the perfectly normal heterosexual wedding invites pile into Wonwoo’s Cyber Truck and drive off to Eunbi and Shindong’s wedding.

A few minutes later, they arrive at a lavishly decorated Evangelical Church where the completely normal wedding between two loving heterosexuals will be held. Yena and Taemin exit the truck holding hands, followed by Junmyeon with his arm around Meiqi’s shoulders. The final people to get out of Wonwoo’s truck are Yuri and Wonwoo, linking arms.

At this moment, they are the perfect picture of happy heterosexual couples (unlike my parents). There’s absolutely no chance Eunbi and Shindong will ever think anything otherwise. The plan is foolproof.

However, the image of heterosexual excellency is shattered the instant Yuri turns to Yena and whispers, “do you have the gun?”

“Uh, obviously, girlypop,” Taemin says, rolling his eyes. “It’s tucked into my suit jacket.”

“So, you’re killing Shindong?” Yuri asks.

“No way!” Taemin shouts. “Yena’s gonna kill him. I’m just holding the gun because dresses for regular straight women don’t have pockets.”

“Yeah, we’re subverting heterotypical expectations by having me do the killing,” Yena explains. She gives Taemin a high-five, then shouts, “#feminism!”

“Riiight,” Yuri says. “So, are you guys ready to head in or do you need a minute?”

“Wait, I have a question,” Wonwoo says, because apparently the only thing he can do is ask dumbass questions and play angry birds on his phone.

Yuri grits her teeth and turns to Wonwoo with a painfully forced smile on her face. “Please, ask away.”

“How did Eunbi even invite you and Junmyeon? I thought you were off the grid for ages so no one could find you. And I didn’t even know she was friends with Junmyeon! I mean, obviously plot holes are inevitable but this is a bit ridiculous, don’t you think?” Wonwoo points out because he can’t just let plot holes be plot holes and ignore them.

“Yeah… that was bothering me too,” Meiqi admits.

“Don’t question it?” Junmyeon offers, shrugging a little.

“We’re just gonna say Yena tracked us down and since we’re all good Christians we brought dates,” Yuri explains, rolling her eyes. “Eunbi will probably be so excited to see me once I show up that she won’t even question how Yena found us.”

“Okay, that makes sense,” Wonwoo says. “But I still have one more question. Why invite me and Meiqi? Like, sure, Taemin makes sense I guess, since Yena needs a date. But couldn’t you just take Junmyeon-hyung as your date instead of dragging me into this bullshit?”

“Uh…” Yuri trails off, then as if God himself decided to finally start smiling on her since she converted to heterosexuality, Eunbi runs over and tackles both her and Yena into a giant hug.

“OH MY GOODNESS!” Eunbi shrieks. “I KNEW IT WAS YOU!”

“Hey, unnie, long time no see,” Yuri says, slightly muffled by Eunbi’s shoulder.

Eunbi pulls away from the hug and beams at her former members. “Yuri, I’m so glad you’re here! Honestly, I had doubts you’d show up considering I didn’t send you an invitation or anything, but I’m so grateful God guided you here!”

“Uh, yeah, that’s definitely what happened,” Yuri says.

“And Yena! Is this good looking young man your date?” Eunbi asks, turning to Taemin with an excessively wide smile. “I always knew that whole gay thing was a phase. I’m so glad you escaped it!”

“Yeah, I’m her, uh, boyfriend,” Taemin says, looking vaguely nauseous. “It’s nice to meet you, Eunbi-ssi. And congratulations.”

Eunbi giggles girlishly and hides her face behind her hands. “Oh, I’m just so excited to be marrying Donghee,” she admits. “I think this is the happiest I’ve been in my life.”

Yuri holds back her sudden desire to scream, “what the actual fuck” and introduces Junmyeon, Meiqi, and Wonwoo to Eunbi.

“It’s lovely to meet all of you!” Eunbi exclaims, then leans closer to Yuri to whisper, as if they’re sharing their own little secret, “and great to see you again, Yuri. I missed you.”

“I-” Yuri swallows. In complete honesty, she’s starting to feel bad about the whole plan. Like mind control related or not, Eunbi seems genuinely happy right now for the first time in what feels like years. And sure, Yuri may be on a mission given to her by the Chicken Gods, but she still wants Eunbi to be happy and if fucking Shindong of all people is the one who makes her happy, then Yuri’s not about to take that away from her.

“It was nice to meet you too, Eunbi-ssi,” Meiqi says while Yuri contemplates the morality of their plan to murder Shindong.

She’s pretty sure she should tell Eunbi. Scratch that, Yuri’s 100% certain she should tell Eunbi. So, she does. “Eunbi-unnie, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?” Eunbi asks, tilting her head slightly.

“We-”

“Just wanted to congratulate you again!” Junmyeon shouts, slapping a hand over Yuri’s mouth. “Yuri’s just like, really proud of you for making this decision.”

“Okay?” Eunbi furrows her eyebrows. “Is that it?”

“Yup! We’ll go take our seats now!” Junmyeon says and begins dragging Yuri away.

“Well, I’ll see you at the reception, I suppose. I should be getting ready now anyway,” Eunbi says.

Once Eunbi retreats into one of the back rooms of the church, Junmyeon whirls around to glare at Yuri. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing!? You almost gave the whole thing away!”

“I-I don’t know,” Yuri admits. “I just felt the sudden urge to tell Eunbi everything.”

“It must be the HYBE mind control!” Yena whispers. “Shindong’s probably using it on everyone at the wedding.”

“I thought you needed a chip in your brain for the mind control to work?” Taemin says, reaching up to touch his forehead just to be sure HYBE didn’t stick a chip up there while he was sleeping.

“So did I,” Junmyeon says grimly.

The six wedding guests take their seats in the third closest pew to the front (since the first two rows were reserved for family members). They talk about literally anything other than their plot to murder Shindong, until someone stops next to their pew and taps Yuri on the shoulder.

Yuri looks up from the service pamphlet she was reading and her eyes widen. “Sakura-unnie? You’re here?”

“I think I should be the one surprised right now,” Sakura chuckles. “What’ve you been up to, Yuri? I haven’t seen you in like, years. Literal years.”

“Oh, you know.” Yuri gestures vaguely. “Just the usual stuff.”

“Mhm,” Sakura says, clearly not convinced. “Well, I just came over to ask you if you’ve seen the others yet.”

“The others? Who else is here?”

“Uh, just Chaeyeon and Nako, I think,” Sakura replies.

“That’s it?” Yuri asks, frowning. “Where’re Chaewon and Minju? Or Hyewon and Yujin? I was certain they’d be here on Eunbi-unnie’s special day.”

Sakura hesitates. “I don’t know if I should say…”

“Why? What happened?” Yuri asks. “I’m not sure if you’ve realized it, but I’ve been kinda off the grid for the past five years, so I’m not very caught up on the post Iz*One gossip.”

“Chaewon got kicked out of HYBE,” Sakura admits. “I haven’t seen or heard from her in months. The same goes for Hyewon and Minju- they were always so good at keeping in contact before this. As for Yujin, she cut me off after she and Wonyoung moved out to LA.”

“Shit…” Yuri mutters. This makes things way more complicated. “Well, where are Chaeyeon and Nako? I should at least go say hi to them.”

“I’m sitting a few rows back with them!” Sakura exclaims. “Do you wanna bring Yena along too? I know it’ll be… difficult with her and Chaeyeon, but she should at least come see Nako.”

Yuri turns around and leans past Wonwoo to get Yena’s approval. The older girl chews her lip for a minute, before slowly nodding. “I’ll go say hi. As long as that’s it,” she says, giving Yuri a pointed look.

“Yay!” Sakura shouts, bouncing up and down a little. “They’re gonna be so excited!”

Sakura leads Yuri and Yena over to the pew Chaeyeon and Nako are sitting in and ushers them in to sit down. And, because our God is a really awesome God who really wants Chaeyeon and Yena to get back together, the two exes end up next to each other.

“Hi guys!" Nako exclaims. "It's been so long!” She gives Yuri a big hug, much like she had when they were still in a group together. Yuri blushes a bit, but smiles nonetheless.

Then there's Chaeyeon and Yena, staring at each other silently, not even bothering to greet anyone else. After a moment of awkward silence, Yena reaches out and grabs Chaeyeon’s hand. Her ex-girlfriend stares up at her blankly, then sighs and places their joined hands on the empty space between them.

That’s enough. It's the smallest amount of contact the two can possibly give each other, but Yuri can already feel the tension starting to fade away. “You’re here,” Chaeyeon whispers, just barely loud enough for Yena to hear.

Yena nods. “Yeah.”

“So… does this mean they’re gonna get back together?” Sakura asks, seemingly incapable of reading the room.

“Dude, why the fuck would you say that? Obviously not,” Yuri hisses.

Nako shoots Yuri and Sakura a questioning look, while Yena continues to gaze at Chaeyeon. She feels a small smile spread across her face, but then she hears something in Chaeyeon's voice, soft, barely audible... Something she hasn't heard in a very long time. Something that sounds almost like... hope?

No, that can’t be right. There was no way Chaeyeon could feel anything for Yena anymore. Their messy break up made that all too clear.

“How are, uh, things?” Chaeyeon chokes out.

“Good,” Yena says.

“That’s good.”

“Yeah.”

Sakura makes a face at Yuri, which Yuri takes as her cue to get Yena the fuck out of there before she backs out on the mission. (like Yuri almost did earlier) “c’mon, Yena-unnie. We’d better get back to our seats before Taemin comes looking for you,” Yuri says, lightly tugging on her friend’s arm.

“Taemin?” Chaeyeon asks. “How do you know him?”

“He’s my, uh, boyfriend,” Yena lies painfully.

“Oh.”

(Chaeyeon knows she shouldn't be getting worked up over this. She broke up with Yena after all. But the idea of the older girl dating someone other than her bothers Chaeyeon a lot more than she thought it would.)

“Yeah.”

“Come on, Yena,” Yuri repeats, tugging a little harder this time.

“I’ll, uh, see you,” Yena says awkwardly, then smiles an obviously forced smile at Nako. “It was good to see you again, Nako. I’ve missed you.”

Nako beams, as if she completely forgot the awkward atmosphere of earlier. “I missed you too, Yena-unnie!”

“How’s life been?” Yena asks, ignoring Yuri’s attempts to get her to stand up and leave.

“Great! I moved in with Hyewon-unnie a little bit ago and that’s just been so fun! Oh, geez, seeing you guys has been so awesome! I’m so glad this wedding wasn’t in a Catholic Church! I never would’ve been able to come if it was,” Nako says, smiling even wider and revealing her oddly sharp canines.

“Why couldn’t you come to a Catholic Church?” Yuri asks.

“Oh, well, because, uh…” Nako trails off, looking at everything in the church other than Yuri. “I don’t like Catholics?”

“You don’t sound so sure about that, Nako,” Yuri says, eyeing the girl suspiciously.

“It’s true! Catholics are like the root of all evil! I mean, I can’t even enter a house belonging to a Catholic without being invited in!” Nako says, then slaps her hands over her mouth in shock. “Crap… I was not supposed to say that.”

“What do you-”

“Bye guys, see you when the ceremony is over!” Nako exclaims, practically shoving Yuri off the pew.

“Bye?” Yena says, then stands up with Yuri to head back to their original seats.

“It was great seeing you guys again,” Yuri says, waving bye to her former group members again.

Almost the instant Yuri and Yena return to their seats, the organ player begins to play a traditional hymn, signifying the start of the service.

The entire lame Protestant Evangelical service is so boring that Yuri practically falls asleep halfway through it. She’s half asleep when the music suddenly changes, and Canon in D (A basic choice, Yuri thinks) begins to play as Eunbi starts her walk down the aisle.

Yuri leans over Wonwoo to shake Yena awake. “It’s almost time, unnie. Is everything ready?”

“Huh?” Yena blinks a couple times, before remembering where she is. “Oh, uh, yeah. Taemin’s got it.”

“Okay, well don’t take it out till it’s time to object.”

“I know, Yuri. We’ve gone over the plan like, a thousand times,” Yena says, rolling her eyes.

Eunbi approaches Shindong and stands to the left of the altar, while the pastor stands between them. He turns to Shindong and smiles. “Do you, Shin Donghee, take Kwon Eunbi to be your lawfully wedded wife, through sickness and in health?”

“I do,” Shindong says, smiling at his bride.

“And do you, Kwon Eunbi, take Shin Donghee to be your lawfully wedded husband through sickness and in health?” The pastor asks.

“I do,” Eunbi says, looking the happiest Yuri’s ever seen her.

The pastor turns to everyone gathered in the church. “If there is anyone here to object to the union of Shin Donghee and Kwon Eunbi, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

Hesitantly, Yena begins to stand up, but before she can even say a word, someone else screams, “I OBJECT!”

Everyone in the church turns to whoever was rude enough to object to this beautiful ceremony. Standing in the fourth row of pews on the left side is none other than Shen Xiaoting, who looks like she’s holding back tears. “I object,” she repeats, voice trembling.

“Why do you object?” The pastor asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Eunbi-unnie, you can’t marry Shindong!” Xiaoting exclaims. “I- what about me? What happened to us forever? I thought- Why him? Why not me, unnie? Did you forget your promise?”

What the actual fuck.

Yuri turns to Wonwoo, who looks just as confused as she is. He shrugs, looking mildly uncomfortable, then returns his attention to Xiaoting.

Yena awkwardly lowers herself back into her seat, then turns around so she can get a better view of whatever the fuck Xiaoting is going on about.

“What the hell is this girl talking about, baby?” Shindong asks, turning to Eunbi.

“I have no idea, oppa! I’ve never seen this girl in my life!” Eunbi protests.

“LIAR!” Xiaoting screams. “Did all those nights we spent together mean nothing to you? Did my feelings mean nothing to you!? I fucking loved you, unnie. I still love you, and you’re acting like you don’t even know me!”

“You’re a homosexual!?” The pastor shouts, taking a step away from Eunbi.

“Of course not!” Eunbi screams. “I told you, I don’t know her!”

As soon as Eunbi says those words, Xiaoting bursts into tears. “Fuck you, unnie! I hate you! But, I hate myself the most. Because I know, if you come crawling back to me after your marriage fails, I’d take you back in an instant.”

“She’s so real,” Yena whispers, practically moved to tears by Xiaoting’s speech.

“Oh, fuck this shit,” Yuri mutters. She leans over Wonwoo and reaches into Taemin’s suit jacket to grab the gun. She stands up, aims the gun at Shindong, and pulls the trigger. Shindong staggers backwards, then drops to the ground.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” The pastor screams. He looks back and forth at the gun in Yuri’s hands and Shindong’s dead body, then runs down the aisle screaming. “EVERYONE RUN! A CRAZY WOMAN HAS A GUN!”

After that, it’s chaos. Everyone rushes to get out of the church, except for everyone involved with the plan, Xiaoting, and Eunbi, who stands at the altar frozen. Yuri and Junmyeon run up to the altar to make sure Shindong’s actually dead, and are greeted by his eyes wide open.

“Wh-why did you ruin my special day?” Shindong croaks, coughing up a bit of blood.

“To stop HYBE from mind controlling their idols with your chips!” Junmyeon says.

“Y-you fools,” Shindong says, slowly beginning to grin. “Those chips don’t mean anything anymore. Right before my wedding I completed the plans for a new piece of technology. One that controls anyone, without implanting a thing. You may have killed me, but HYBE will find someone to replace me. To finish my masterpiece.”

Yuri turns to Junmyeon as the truth finally begins to dawn on her. “That’s why I wanted to tell Eunbi the truth! He must’ve been testing it on the wedding guests.”

“That’s right. Although it seems it could still use some more work since you managed to withstand its control,” Shindong says, then coughs again. “Can’t you see, Jo Yuri? Your attempts to stop HYBE are useless. The Chicken Gods will fall and CEO Park will rule. You are too late.”

Then, Shindong shuts his eyes for the final time and dies.

“No…” Yuri whispers. “No, I-I can’t be. I have to-”

Junmyeon places a hand on Yuri’s shoulder and shakes his head. “It’s okay, Yuri. We- we’ll figure it out. The Chicken Gods will send you another sign, I’m sure of it.”

“Oh, Junmyeon-oppa,” Yuri says, turning to the older man. “What are we gonna do?”

“Our best,” he replies, pulling Yuri into a hug. “That’s all we can do now.”

As the two disciples of the Chicken Gods hug, Yena rushes over to Eunbi and shakes her. “Unnie, why are you just standing here staring into space!? We have to leave before the cops show up!”

Eunbi shakes her head and blinks. She gives Yena a weird look, before taking a minute to look around the church. “Yena, where the fuck are we?” she asks.

“At your wedding?” Yena says. “You know… the wedding you spent like months planning so you could spend the rest of your life with Shindong.”

“SHINDONG!? WHY THE FUCK WOULD I MARRY HIM??” Eunbi shrieks.

“I dunno, you tell me,” Yena says, shrugging. “Anyway, let’s go. The cops’ll be here any minute and I really don’t wanna go to jail right now.”

“Yeah,” Meiqi agrees as Taemin and Wonwoo nod.

“Eunbi-unnie!” Xiaoting shouts, running up to the older girl. “I’m so glad you’re okay! For a second there I thought that crazy lady was gonna shoot you!”

“Xiaoting? I thought you went back to Sichuan to go live with your family?” Eunbi says.

“I did, but I came back to ruin your wedding with Shindong!” Xiaoting explains. “I’m pretty sure the crazy lady with a gun did a way better job of it than I ever could have though…”

“Literally what the fuck is going on?” Eunbi asks.

“So, did you actually have a thing with Xiaoting or…?” Yena asks.

“Of course not, silly!” Xiaoting says, rolling her eyes. “I just said that so I could ruin the wedding and save Eunbi-unnie from an oppressive heterosexual marriage.”

“Aw, thanks, Xiaoting,” Eunbi says.

Yuri pulls away from Junmyeon and rushes over to Eunbi to pull her into a tight hug. “You were being mind controlled by Shindong and HYBE to think you were in love with him and an Evangelical Christian. By killing him we freed you from the mind control, basically,” Yuri explains.

Eunbi gives Yuri a weird look, then looks at everyone else, who all nod. “I have so many questions,” she says.

“We’ll explain later,” Junmyeon says. “We really should be going before the cops show up. Oh, and Xiaoting, you’re welcome to come with us.”

“Really?” Xiaoting asks. “That’s awfully kind of you Junmyeon-ssi, but I should be going home. I kinda left without telling my parents first…”

Yuri releases Eunbi and turns to everyone who helped with the plan. “Thank you guys, so much,” she says smiling. She’s about to say more, when suddenly, she has a vision.

There’s a bright flash of light, then Yuri sees the Tokyo International Airport. Chaewon, Wonyoung, Minju, Yujin, Jinsoul, and Phoebe Bridgers for some reason are walking through it.

“Why are we even in Tokyo?” Chaewon asks.

“I have a friend we can stay with until it’s safe to return to Korea,” Jinsoul replies.

“Jo Yuri,” a familiar voice says.

Yuri looks down and spots a chicken that looks eerily similar to the one that spoke to her in her previous vision at her feet.

“Your attempts to stop HYBE by killing Shin Donghee have failed. You now have a new mission. One that you cannot go on. Send three of your most trusted allies to Tokyo to have them deliver a message to Kim Chaewon.”

“Okay,” Yuri says, nodding. “What’s the message?”

“She must go to Nepal,” the chicken says. “Someone she seeks is there. Now wake up, Jo Yuri. Wake up before the police arrive.”

“Seriously, Yuri! Wake up!” Yena screeches, shaking her friend back and forth. “Don’t go all creepy oracle on us right now!”

“Stop shaking me, Yena-unnie!” Yuri says, pushing the older girl away from her.

“Oh, thank God you’re alright!” Yena exclaims.

“I have a message from the Chicken Gods,” Yuri tells Junmyeon.

“I knew they’d come through!” Junmyeon says, raising his hand for a high five that Yuri completely ignores.

“Wonwoo, Meiqi, and Taemin. I need you to go to Tokyo and find Chaewon,” Yuri says. “There’s a message you need to deliver.”

“This literally makes no sense. Why do we have to help you? We hardly know you guys! We’re literally only here because you’re bribing us,” Wonwoo points out.

Taemin sighs and looks at Meiqi, who nods with a serious expression.

“Because we deserve more screen time for all the WJSN, Shinee, and Seventeen fans,” Taemin says. “Oh, and we’re helping Yuri save the world, remember?”

Wonwoo groans and nods begrudgingly. “I guess you have a point. What’s the stupid message?”

“Chaewon needs to go to Nepal. Whoever she’s looking for is there.”

Chapter Text

Ever since she moved to the BTS commune in the mountains of Nepal, Hitomi’s life has gotten exponentially better. Before moving there, Hitomi was going through some serious shit, I’m talking depression and kinda sorta murdering her manager (but that’s unimportant right now). But, as soon as she moved out to Nepal, everything was good. Her depression practically disappeared and the police completely gave up on trying to find her! And she’s even made a ton of friends!

Sure, the cult-like rituals they do to BTS songs are a little weird, but Hitomi’s learned to live with them and, occasionally, enjoy them.

So, yeah, the commune’s great. Hitomi hasn’t even thought of leaving once! That’s gotta be a new record considering she thought of leaving Iz*One and AKB every single day she was part of those stupid groups. Yeah, the BTS commune’s the only place for her. The only place where people really get her.

Speaking of people who get her- Hitomi checks the calendar hanging on one of the concrete walls in her room and notices she has yoga today. Hooray! Hitomi just loves yoga at the BTS commune, since all the poses are BTS themed. And, what makes yoga even better, is that she has it with all her friends! Isn’t that just awesome?

As Hitomi thinks about just how awesome the BTS commune is, she hears a knock at her bedroom door. She opens it and beams once she lays eyes on who’s waiting outside. “Seungjae! Hi!” Hitomi exclaims.

“Hi, Tomi,” Seungjae says, also smiling. “Are you ready for yoga?”

“Yup!” Hitomi cheers, then blushes a little. “Did you come all the way to the girl dormitory to pick me up…?”

Seungjae nods, which makes Hitomi’s heart skip a beat. She’s totally had a secret crush on him ever since he moved to the commune, but has always been too scared to say anything. Recently, though, Seungjae has started showing more interest in her. Maybe this is her chance. Her chance to confess to him, date him, and maybe even marry him while BTS performs for their wedding.

Of course, this crush is totally forbidden under the BTS Commune laws, since everyone living there is required to only love themselves and BTS, not anyone else. So, Hitomi’s dream of marrying Seungjae at the BTS Commune while BTS performs at their wedding will never come true. And all because of some stupid rule (and the fact that he’s most likely still in love with Park Sooyoung- but Hitomi doesn’t really care about that part).

“Aw!” Hitomi coos, reaching out to give Seungjae a hug that he expertly dodges. “Thanks, Seungjae-oppa!”

“Of course. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t come get you?” Seungjae says, emphasizing the word friend. “C’mon, let’s go before Dawon and Hyunjung take all the good mats.”

“True, I really don’t want a sweaty one,” Hitomi agrees, links arms with Seungjae, and heads off to the building where yoga is held.

All of the yoga classes at the BTS commune are led by the amazing dancer himself, Jimin. He’s one of the few BTS members that citizens of the commune are able to interact with daily, as the others are busy with governing their little community.

Hitomi tugs her jacket closer as she and Seungjae walk through the snowy landscape, until they finally reach the heated yoga hall. Inside, Dawon and Hyunjung are, predictably, seated right in front of Jimin on the best yoga mats the commune has.

“Crap, we were too late,” Hitomi mutters.

“It’s fine, there aren’t too many people here yet. I’m sure there are still good mats left,” Seungjae says, lightly nudging Hitomi. “Here, I’ll go get one for both of us. Go talk to Dawon and Hyunjung.”

Hitomi nods and makes her way over to her two other friends, who both wave at her once she gets closer. “Hi guys!” Hitomi exclaims, taking a seat beside them on the ground.

“Making Seungjae get you a yoga mat again?” Dawon asks, raising an eyebrow. “You’ve gotten seriously lazy ever since he moved here.”

“Oh, be quiet,” Hitomi says, hitting Dawon’s shoulder. “Don’t you always make Hyunjung get you food in the dining hall? This isn’t any different, you know. It’s just two friends helping each other out.”

Hyunjung looks like she’s about to say something, but keeps quiet as Seungjae returns with the two yoga mats.

“Well then, it looks like everyone’s here and situated!” Jimin exclaims. “Shall we start our early morning yoga session?”

“Yes, Elder Jimin!” Everyone in the yoga hall says in unison.

“Okay, then, shall we start with Idol pose?” Jimin asks, instantly getting into a pose resembling the point choreo from Idol.

Yoga continues like normal until, suddenly, a large explosion causes the entire yoga hall to shake. Half the Armys in the room shriek and instantly duck and cover, but Jimin’s loud calming voice breaks through the chaos:

“Armys, calm yourselves! I am certain there’s nothing wrong!”

“DUDE, SOMEONE JUST BLEW SOMETHING UP!” An army named Jinhwan says, then instantly covers his mouth.

Oh shit. This fucking idiot just called Elder Jimin “dude.” Hitomi turns to Seungjae, who looks just as worried as she feels.

“What did you just call me…?” Jimin asks, slowly raising an eyebrow.

“I- uh…” Jinhwan trails off. “I’m sorry, Elder Jimin.”

“No, no, repeat yourself,” Jimin says, taking a few steps closer to Jinhwan. “Go ahead, call me that again. We’re all friends here, after all, right Armys?”

“Yes, Elder Jimin,” everyone says in unison.

Jinhwan looks back and forth at everyone else gathered in the yoga hall in a panic. Everyone averts their eyes, except for Hitomi who makes the basic mistake of making eye contact with him. Jinhwan instantly runs over to Hitomi and drops to his knees, grabbing onto the edge of her robe. “Tomi-chan, you know me!” He shouts. “You know I didn’t mean it, right?”

Hitomi holds back her tears and pretends she doesn’t notice him. It’s easier this way- Jimin always had the worst temper out of all the BTS members.

“GUARDS!” Jimin yells.

Almost instantly, the guards in their ridiculous outfits (that Hitomi’s pretty sure are supposed to look like BTS’ outfits in their debut MV) appear from the shadows. Two of them grab Jinhwan by the arms and drag him out of the yoga hall to the punishment room. When Jinhwan returns, he won’t be the same man he once was.

“Sorry about that… minor disruption,” Jimin says, turning back to the Armys with a smile once Jinhwan’s screams can no longer be heard. “Shall we get back to our regularly scheduled yoga now?”

“Yes Elder Ji-”

Suddenly, another explosion is heard even closer this time. Hitomi jumps and grabs onto Hyunjung, who hugs her back even tighter.

“Is something happening?” Dawon whispers. “Do you think… they’ve found us? The Blin-”

“Don’t even say their name, unnie,” Hitomi whispers, “you never know who’s listening.”

“Don’t worry, Armys! I’m sure this is just regularly scheduled maintenance!” Jimin says in an attempt to calm everyone down.

But what if it isn’t? What if it really is the Blinks here to finally take revenge? Hitomi tightens her hold on Hyunjung and buries her face in the older girl’s shoulder.

“Now, let’s officially get back to Yo-”

Jimin is suddenly cut off by the yoga hall door slamming open and a cloud of smoke filling the room. As the smoke begins to clear, Hitomi spots four figures standing there.

“Who are you!? What is your business here!?” Jimin yells.

“We’re looking for Honda Hitomi. Hand her over and there won’t be any trouble,” a vaguely familiar voice says.

Hitomi lets go of Hyunjung and fully turns to face the door. The smoke finally clears and the sight Hitomi is greeted with makes her jaw drop.

“Chaewon-unnie? Minju-unnie? What are you doing here?” Hitomi asks.

“We’re here to rescue yo-”

Before Chaewon can even finish her sentence, Seungjae speaks in a voice Hitomi’s never heard from him before. He sounds like he’s in disbelief. Almost like he’s seeing a ghost.

“Joy?” Seungjae asks, taking a hesitant step forward. “Sooyoung? Is that you?

Hitomi instantly tears her eyes away from her ex-members and notices the former Red Velvet member, Park Joy, standing beside them, along with a man Hitomi’s never seen before.

“Listen, we’ll explain later,” Chaewon says, rushing over to Hitomi to grab her arm. “We need to get out of here before BTS realizes we’re here!”

“It’s a bit too late for that,” Jimin says, suddenly snapping out of his shock. “GUARDS! BRING THEM TO THE PUNISHMENT ROOM IMMEDIATELY!”

“Come on Hitomi, we have to go!” Chaewon yells, tugging on Hitomi’s arm.

“But all my friends are here. I can’t just leave them,” Hitomi says.

“Yes you can, Tomi,” Seungjae says suddenly, turning around to look at the younger girl. “In fact, we’re both leaving. I won’t stand for their cruelty anymore!”

What the hell is Seungjae talking about? Hitomi’s never even heard of cruelty happening at the BTS Commune. Sure there’s the punishment room, but that’s only for Armys who misbehave and, frankly, they deserve to be sent there!

“Fuck, Hitomi, can’t you see they’ve brainwashed you? They’ve brainwashed everyone here,” Seungjae shouts, walking over to her and grabbing her shoulders. “All of you idiot Armys drank BTS’ kool-aid and now you’re under the impression this weird ass commune is a great place to live. Well, news flash: it’s not. You all live in fear of the Blinks, not even realizing BTS wiped them out years ago! They just use them as a fear tactic to keep you all in check!”

“LIA- Well, actually, you’re kinda right…” Jimin admits, shuffling his feet. “BUT HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIGURE ALL THIS OUT!?”

“Because, you idiot, I’m a spy FOR BlackPink! I’m the last Blink left!” Seungjae shouts. “So, come on Hitomi! Escape the brainwashing BTS has done and leave with me.”

Leave with him? Seungjae wants Hitomi to leave with him? Oh my God. She can already hear the wedding bells ringing. And then she starts to see it: them on a beach, Hitomi in a beautiful wedding gown and Seungjae looking handsome in his suit. Hitomi looks out at everyone in the crowd and spots all of Iz*One there, cheering and clapping for her. BlackPink sings a beautiful acapella version of Pink Venom as Seungjae leans in and places his lips on Hitomi’s, then pulls back and whispers, “I love-”

“HITOMI, STOP DAY DREAMING AND FUCKING RUN!” Chaewon screams, then takes off.

Hitomi almost doesn’t. She almost stays there with her BTS Army family and lets her former members run off without her. But then, for no real reason, she starts to run. She runs as fast as possible with Chaewon and Minju and Seungjae and Joy (for some reason) and the random dude Joy’s with.

“STOP RIGHT THERE!” A guard yells, running towards them.

Joy, for some weird ass reason, grabs the guy she’s with and shoves him toward the guard.

“WE’RE DONE, CRUSH!” She screams. “I FINALLY FOUND SEUNGJAE AGAIN! I DON’T NEED YOUR CRUSTY ASS (Which always smells like cheese for some reason) AROUND ANYMORE!”

“But baby, I thought we were gonna be together forever?” Crush says.

“Take him to the punishment room!” one of the guards yells, handcuffing Crush and shoving him towards the other guards. “I’ll catch these punks.”

“SOOYOUNG, HURRY!” Seungjae shouts.

Joy instantly speeds up in a desperate attempt to escape the guards, but one of them manages to grab her. He’s about to handcuff her when, suddenly, Seungjae turns around and runs back to Joy. He shoves the guard out of the way and grabs Joy’s wrist, then runs off with her lagging behind him.

“Aww, how romantic,” Chaewon coos.

“Chaewon, shut the fuck up,” Minju says, glaring at the younger girl. “I fucking told you to be sneaky about breaking Hitomi out but noooo you wanted to set off fucking EXPLOSIONS! Now we’re getting chased and it’s all. Your. Fault!”

“Do you guys know how to get out of here??” Seungjae asks, once he catches up with the ex-Iz*One girlies.

“We dug a secret tunnel,” Chaewon replies with a shrug.

“That makes sense… I guess…”

“Seungjae-oppa, we have to hurry!” Joy says.

So, they continue running (even though Hitomi’s starting to feel like she’s about to collapse) towards the secret tunnel Chaewon dug.

“We’re almost there!” Chaewon shouts once they turn a corner. “Just a few more-”

“That’s enough of this nonsense,” a deep voice says, then, RM, leader of BTS and the Commune, steps out of the shadows holding a gun that he points at Chaewon. “All of you are going to walk yourselves to the punishment room, like good Armys do. At which point, you will watch all of your music videos over and over again until you forget everything besides our names and the lyrics to our songs.”

“Never!” Chaewon shouts.

“Yeah, we’d never degrade ourselves like that!” Minju agrees.

“Degrade yourselves? No, Kim Minju, you’d be saving yourselves. BTS is the only true path to happiness, after all,” RM chuckles.

“If that’s the kind of shit you say to your followers, it’s a shock your little cult is so popular,” Joy says.

“Oh shut up, Joy! You know, I never liked your sorry excuse for a Kpop group! All that music that was actually listenable made our discography look like trash!” RM shouts, turning his gun on Joy.

“Don’t you dare point that at her!” Seungjae shouts.

“Or what? You’ll hit me? Please, Seungjae, you can’t do anything to me. I have a gun, remember?”

“Your music’s shit,” Hitomi says suddenly.

“What?” RM asks, turning to Hitomi. “Now that’s a shock. I never thought you, Hitomi, someone so easily manipulated we didn’t even have to brainwash you, would say that.”

“Wait… you guys didn’t brainwash me?” Hitomi asks.

“Of course not! You wanted to belong so badly you began to believe everything we said without even a single reeducation class!” RM says. “It’s laughably sad, honestly. You were so upset because Iz*One disbanded that you found yourself unable to fit in anywhere. So, when you were welcomed to our community with open arms, you did all the brainwashing work yourself.”

“So… you never brainwashed me into liking your music?” Hitomi asks slowly.

RM nods. “Yup! You genuinely liked it!”

Holy shit. Maybe this means Hitomi really does belong here. She’s the only person in the community that’s not brainwashed after all. Maybe… the BTS Commune really is Hitomi’s destiny.

“Oh for God’s sake, snap out of it, Hitomi!” Minju shouts. “We didn’t come all the way here to save you just for you to actually consider staying with these assholes!”

“Ignore her, Hitomi. You’re one of us. You belong here,” RM says.

“I… belong?”

“You do. Now come here, Hitomi. Come back to us and continue being the good self loving Army you always have been.” RM gestures next to him. “You know, you always were my favorite. Never broke any rules.”

“Yes she did!” Seungjae suddenly shouts. “Hitomi broke a rule! And you always say rule breakers don’t belong in our community!”

“Please, what rule did Hitomi possibly break?” RM asks.

“She has a crush on me!” Seungjae shouts. “That breaks rule 57B: an Army may never love someone as much as they love themselves or BTS!”

Hitomi turns bright red and hides her face behind Chaewon’s shoulder. “It’s true… I do like Seungjae.”

“YOU MAN STEALING BITCH!” Joy screams and starts to lunge at Hitomi, but is stopped by Seungjae.

“Relax, Sooyoung, I never did anything with her. I spent every day here waiting for you,” Seungjae says.

“Really?” Joy asks, batting her eyelashes at Seungjae.

“Of course, you’re the only one for me.”

“I hate to interrupt this touching confession of feelings, but can we focus on ESCAPING, please?” Minju shouts.

“Oh right, I forgot about that,” Seungjae says.

“Can we go back to talking about how bad BTS’ music is now?” Joy asks at the same time

Suddenly, RM turns towards Joy and glares. “I’ve had just about enough of you!” He shouts, then aims his gun at her and pulls the trigger.

“NO!” Seungjae screams and pushes Joy out of the way just in time.

He drops to the ground and grabs his chest above his heart, right where the bullet hit him.

“DUDE, YOU JUST SHOT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!” Joy screams. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!”

Joy charges at RM, knocking the gun out of his hands. They both scramble on the ground, attempting to reach it, until Joy grabs it and pulls the trigger, shooting RM and killing him instantly.

“Seungjae-oppa, stay with me!” Hitomi wails, pulling off her scarf and pressing it against the bullet hole.

“Yeah, don’t worry, you’re gonna make it,” Minju says, making sure to stay far away from him since he’s kinda bleeding out and she really doesn’t want to get blood on her brand new white jacket.

Seungjae shakes his head. “No… I’m not. Where’s Sooyoung? I need to… to talk to Sooyoung.”

Joy instantly rushes over and kneels next to Seungjae. “I’m here, Seungjae! You- you can’t die! Not when we’ve finally found each other again!”

“I’m sorry, Sooyoungie,” Seungjae says. He reaches up the hand that was previously covering the gunshot wound and touches Joy’s face. “Sorry you had to break up with your boyfriend for a guy that ended up dying 10 minutes later. All I- All I ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

“I am happy,” Joy says as tears stream down her face.

“I love you, Sooyoung,” Seungjae says, then shuts his eyes for the last time.

“Once again, I hate to interrupt this terribly tragic moment that I honestly don’t care about because I don’t know the guy, but we literally have to go. The guards will be here any minute and I’m pretty sure we won’t be sent to some boring punishment room considering we literally just killed their boss,” Minju says, nearing hysterics.

“Okay,” Joy says, taking a deep breath. “It’s what Seungjae would want. He’d want us to escape alive.”

Hitomi nods solemnly. “You’re right, Joy-ssi. He would.”

And so, the four girls escape through Chaewon’s secret tunnel and make it to the real world. The world where BTS no longer makes shitty music and HYBE is attempting to destroy Kpop with even shittier music.

They travel across the harsh landscape of Nepal until they reach a campsite about 30 miles from the BTS Commune.

All four BlackPink members burst out of the tents once they arrive and pull Chaewon, Minju, and Joy into a hug.

“Where’s the guy that was with you?” Jennie asks, tilting her head to the side.

“Oh, Joy sacrificed him to the guards when we were getting chased out of there,” Chaewon replies.

“Good, he smelled gross,” Lisa says.

“Did you guys see a man named Seungjae while you were there?” Rose asks. “He was our spy on the inside we mentioned before.”

“Seungjae…” Joy trails off and looks towards the sunset like an emo anime character.

“You must be Hitomi,” Jisoo says kindly. “Are you cold? We have heating inside our tents. Once you warm up a bit, Chaewon and Minju can tell you the whole story of how they found us- and you.”

“Thanks, Jisoo-ssi. That’s really nice of you,” Hitomi says, following the BlackPink member into one of the tents.

A few minutes later, Chaewon, Minju, Joy, and the other three BlackPink members enter the tent and crowd around the sole heater. Jisoo gets up to put on a pot of tea once everyone’s settled in.

“So… I have a lot of questions,” Hitomi says.

“All of which we’ll do our best to answer! In a lengthy flashback chapter!” Chaewon exclaims.

Minju rolls her eyes. “She’ll probably tell you an over-dramatized version of what happened. I, on the other hand, will give you nothing but the facts. It’s a pretty long story, though.”

“Which is why I’m making tea!” Jisoo says.

“Listen carefully, okay, Hitomi. You know how much I hate stopping my story in the middle to answer questions. It all started in Tokyo while we were staying with a friend of Jinsoul’s…”

Chapter Text

For some reason, Jinsoul’s friend in Tokyo ends up being Yua fucking Mikami, known most notably for her failure of a Kpop group, Honey Popcorn.

(“Wait, I thought she was a p-”

“SHUT UP, HITOMI! WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT INTERRUPTIONS!?” Minju shouts, then takes a moment to calm herself before continuing the story.)

Yua Mikami meets the six girls at the front of the Tokyo International Airport, leaning against a black Honda (that’s been specially modified to deal with all the excess water) with tinted windows. She’s wearing a cap, mask, and sunglasses, which makes it almost impossible to identify her. In fact, when Minju first sees her, she almost thinks she’s a member of Japan’s secret service.

But, when Jinsoul approaches her, Yua Mikami takes off her sunglasses and mask and smiles at the six girls. “Hi!” She exclaims. “Jinsoul told me a lot about you over the phone!”

Chaewon and Minju exchange a glance, before giving Jinsoul a questioning look.

“Your friend in Japan is a po-”

“Yes, Yua here’s worked a lot of different careers in the path!” Jinsoul exclaims, quickly cutting Chaewon off. “I don’t know if you remember, but she actually lived in Korea for a bit- that’s where I met her, actually. She was in a Kpop group called Honey Popcorn.”

“What are they saying? I can’t speak Korean,” Phoebe Bridgers whispers to Wonyoung in English.

“Jinsoul’s friend used to be in a Kpop group. And uh, something about her having a bunch of different jobs?” Wonyoung replies in English.

“But isn’t she a…?” Phoebe Bridgers trails off.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she is,” Wonyoung replies, looking vaguely concerned.

“Can we just go already?” Yujin asks. “I’m tired and hungry! Listen, Yua or whatever your name is, you better have some good ass food at your apartment or I’m gonna be pissed! I mean, I’m a recovering drug addict! I think I deserve to be fed.”

Yua Mikami nods and walks over to the back of her car to open the trunk. “Just put your stuff back here, girlies!”

Everyone piles what little luggage they brought with them (since they left LA in such a rush) into the back of Yua’s car. Jinsoul closes the trunk once everyone’s finished and heads to the passenger door of the car to take a seat (which everyone else takes as their cue to cram into the back seat).

Once everyone’s buckled their seatbelts, Yua puts the car into drive and speeds off. “Now, the ride might be a little… bumpy considering the new underwater mode of the car is unfamiliar to you all, but don’t worry! It’s completely safe!”

“Why the fuck does your car have an underwater mode??” Minju asks.

“Half of Tokyo’s underwater, silly!” Yua replies, giggling. “It’d be impossible to drive here if there wasn’t an underwater mode!”

Curse climate change and its inevitable consequences.

(Hitomi spits out the tea Jisoo graciously made for her and stares at Minju in shock. “Climate change made Japan sink!? Seriously!?” She shouts.

Jisoo sighs and begins to clean up the tea all over the table with a towel.

“Yeah, it’s crazy how different it is now,” Chaewon replies. “We drove past your old apartment, actually. It’s completely submerged and, for some reason, they turned it into an underwater Chick-Fil-A.”

“Crush and I stopped there for food when we were hunting you guys down!” Joy exclaims, taking a sip of her tea. “I can’t even lie, it was really good for like, heterophobic chicken.”

“You mean homophobic chicken?” Minju asks, giving Joy a weird look.

“Same thing.”

“Holy shit, I missed a lot in the BTS Commune,” Hitomi says.)

After a half hour of underwater driving, they reach Yua’s completely submerged apartment in the heart of Tokyo. To park the car, she heads up to the surface and parks in an elevated parking garage.

“So, we just have to take the elevator on the left down to the bottom level and walk a little,” Yua says as she begins to take the luggage out of the trunk. “Honestly, you get used to everything being underwater after a little bit. I mean, we’re never really in the water except for when we’re driving anyway.”

“Wow!” Phoebe Bridgers exclaims, looking around the parking garage. “I should totally use this for a new song! I’d name it Tokyo and have the lyrics be something like ‘Day off in Tokyo, almost drowned at the temple, swam around the 7/11.’”

Wonyoung gives Phoebe a weird look. “Aren’t those just the lyrics to your song Kyoto…?”

“No, Wonyoung, they’re very different,” Phoebe Bridgers says and rolls her eyes.

Yua leads the six girls out of the parking garage and into an underwater tunnel. For a second, Minju wonders why people don’t just drive in the underwater tunnels instead of creating an underwater mode for cars, but decides to not question it. Nothing’s really made sense to her since Chaewon first forced her to go on this stupid quest anyway.

“Woah,” Chaewon breathes, looking out one of the tunnel windows as a school of brightly colored fish swim past. “Yua, this is so cool! I had no idea Japan being underwater could actually be a good thing.”

“It’s not a good thing, Chaewon-unnie!” Minju shouts. “This literally destroyed Japan’s economy!”

“And put their entire idol industry out of business,” Yua adds. “Everyone who was an idol in Japan switched career paths to marine biology once the country started to sink.”

“Oh, I knew that part. HYBE briefed us about it back in 2026 when we had our party to celebrate South Korea having the second largest music industry in the world,” Chaewon says.

“Marine biology is such a random thing to switch to,” Yujin mutters. “Wouldn’t it be smarter to become like an engineer or something? Building a bunch of infrastructure that could survive underwater seems kinda difficult without an influx of engineers after all.”

“God, you’re so hot when you act smart,” Wonyoung says, staring longingly at Yujin.

“A bunch of weird sea life started appearing once Japan started sinking. We needed more marine biologists to investigate them. Speaking of Marine biologists…” Yua waves at a girl with black hair walking on the opposite side of the tunnel. “Mizuki, hi!”

The girl says something back to Yua in Japanese, before turning to the other six with a curious smile on her face.

Yua replies in Japanese, then switches back to Korean to translate for her friends. “This is Yamashita Mizuki. She used to be a member of Nogizaka46, but became a marine biologist after they disbanded.”

“It is nice to meet you!” Mizuki exclaims and bows slightly. When she lifts her head up, her eyes land on Phoebe Bridgers and a shocked expression crosses her face. She speaks rapidly to Yua in Japanese before speaking in English this time. “Phoebe Bridgers I- I’m such a big fan!”

“Cool!” Phoebe Bridgers says. “I’m a fan too I think!”

Mizuki gasps and dramatically holds her hand to her forehead. “Phoebe Bridgers knows who I am…” she whispers, then collapses onto the tunnel floor.

“Is she okay??” Phoebe asks

“Are you really a fan of her?” Chaewon asks at the same time

Phoebe Bridgers shakes her head. “I don’t even know who she is. I just thought that was the right thing to say and I was happy to be included for once.”

“Oh…”

Yua clears her throat. “Let’s get going. Mizuki will get up on her own in a few minutes. She always does this whenever she meets someone she’s a fan of”

(“Did you guys see the weird sea life?” Hitomi asks as Jisoo refills her cup of tea.

“Nope,” Chaewon says, shaking her head. “We were a little preoccupied with escaping the spies HYBE sent to kill us.”

“To be fair, I didn’t know you guys were super cool,” Joy says, holding her hands up. “I was just doing my job, okay.”

“You had to kill them!?” Hitomi shouts.

Minju nods. “Yeah, she was a real bitch when we first met.”

“I’m better now though!” Joy exclaims.

“And all it took was her killing her boyfriend…” Lisa mutters.)

The next few days in Japan pass uneventfully. The seven girls lay low in Yua’s apartment, rewatching shitty movies, reading the magazines she has lying around, and playing cards. Phoebe Bridgers works on the redebut song for Iz*One as well as her soon to be newest single, Victim Complex based entirely on Minju.

One day, Minju and Chaewon start to go a little stir-crazy. So, they do what any normal person does in Tokyo: explore the newly underwater city!

“Woah,” Chaewon says for the 30th time since they entered the underwater tunnel.

“It’s really not that cool, unnie,” Minju deadpans because it’s really not. It’s literally just a new section of the tunnel that has cherry blossom trees planted inside it. It was probably built to emulate the feeling of spring in Japan, but the fact that it’s literally an underwater tunnel through a sunken city kinda ruins the illusion.

They pass a couple former Jpop idols in the tunnel, but don’t speak to them because they both suck at Japanese, until they finally reach their destination: an arcade.

Chaewon mimes opening the door for Minju as the automatic doors slide open. The younger girl rolls her eyes and, noticing people are looking at them, pretends she doesn’t know Chaewon.

“What game do you wanna play first?” Chaewon asks, speed walking to catch up with Minju.

“I don’t know you,” Minju says, dodging the arm Chaewon tries to link with her own. “My mother always taught me not to talk to strangers.”

“Stop it, Minju!” Chaewon whines. “Let’s have fun! I mean, we haven’t done anything actually fun together since, well, since Iz*One! Sure, we lived together after I got kicked out of Le Sserafim, but I was depressed. And we’ve been super busy on our quest to reunite Iz*One that we haven’t done anything fun together!”

Minju rolls her eyes, but smiles fondly at the older girl. Christ, when the hell did she get this sappy? “Win me something from one of the crane games. Then we’ll talk.”

“I suck at those!” Chaewon complains, but runs off to the closest one anyway.

For a second, Minju remembers why she was friends with Chaewon in the first place. Not because they were in a group together and had to get along (although that was certainly part of it) but because, no matter how much of a bitch Minju was, Chaewon was always there for her. No matter what.

Maybe… things aren’t Chaewon’s fault. Maybe this is just her way of trying to be there for all the other members of Iz*One- for all her friends.

Nah, that’s ridiculous. Minju shakes her head and chuckles. Everything is obviously Chaewon’s fault. If she had just been popular, HYBE never would’ve kicked her out and Minju never would’ve been forced to go on this stupid mission, completely disrupting her ordinary life.

Suddenly, a cloth is slapped over Minju’s mouth and a somewhat familiar voice murmurs, “Shhh, sleep now,” into her ear.

Of fucking course.

(“This was my second time getting kidnapped by the way,” Minju adds.

“Who else kidnapped you!?” Hitomi shouts with a horrified look on her face.

“Wonyoung,” Minju and Chaewon say at the same time.

Hitomi exchanges a look with the BlackPink members, before turning back to her former group members. “What the actual fuck?”

“It’s because a gang was after us since we were with Yujin and she’s an ex-member. She only kidnapped me to warn me to leave LA before we got killed,” Minju explains.

“Why the hell were you in LA anyway?” Rose asks, raising an eyebrow. “Anyone with half a brain would know better than to go into a gang’s territory with a former member.”

“Uhhh…” Minju trails off. “Why were we in LA again?”

Chaewon shrugs. “I forget. I think Boa-sunbaenim told us to meet someone there or something.”

“You guys met Boa!? Oh my God, I can’t believe I missed that! And all because I was a member of BTS’ stupid cult,” Hitomi complains, slumping in her chair.

Joy places a reassuring hand on Hitomi’s shoulder. “It’s the price we all must pay for listening to shitty music.”)

When Minju comes to, she’s in another nearly empty room tied to another goddamn chair. This time, though, her kidnappers aren’t hiding in the shadows waiting to dramatically reveal themselves. Instead, they’re standing right in front of her.

“So… I’m sure you’re wondering why we kidnapped you,” former Red Velvet member, Joy, says.

“Let me guess,” Minju says. “You guys are working for HYBE and either want to kill me or ship me back to Korea.”

Joy’s boyfriend and partner for the mission, Crush, whistles. “Damn, you just checked all the boxes with that guess. Good job.”

“Thanks.”

“We’re here to kill you guys,” Joy admits. “Can’t have you reuniting Iz*One and overthrowing HYBE. They pay the bills after all.”

“Well don’t kill me!” Minju shouts, then does what she does best: throw Chaewon under the bus. “The entire thing is Chaewon’s idea! I’m just going along with her because she emotionally blackmailed me or something! If you guys just let me go, I’ll never try to reunite Iz*One again! In fact, I’ll even work with HYBE! Just please don’t kill me!”

“Wow, you’re an even worse friend than the report said,” Joy says with an awkward chuckle.

“She didn't even hesitate to sell Chaewon out,” Crush agrees. “Talk about having no loyalty.”

Joy shrugs. “Whatever, makes our job easier.”

“You guys aren’t gonna kill me, right? I told you it’s not me, it’s Chaewon! I-I swear I won’t let it happen. How about I be like, your spy on the inside? How does that sound? You let me live and I’ll sabotage Chaewon internally. That’ll make a better twist anyway, right? Her being betrayed by a best friend.” The further along Minju gets in her dramatic speech, the more hysterical she gets. By the end of it, she’s sobbing and forcing the words out through the snot and tears.

Crush wrinkles his nose and looks away from Minju’s ugly crying face. “As tempting as that offer is, we kinda have to kill you anyway. HYBE doesn’t trust you at all. If you’re still alive, there’s a chance you can betray them. Especially since they won’t be able to install a chip.”

“A Chip?” Minju asks, still sobbing.

“Yeah, they started installing them in all their idols to like, control their minds or something,” Joy explains. “We don’t have them because we proved we’re loyal agents, but the newest NCT subunit, NCT Military does.”

Minju’s jaw drops. Holy shit, while she and Chaewon were fucking around trying to reunite the Iz*One members in foreign countries, all their members in Korea still under HYBE were turned into mind controlled zombies.

“We’re so fucked,” Minju whispers.

“Don’t worry, Minju!” Chaewon’s annoying voice exclaims from somewhere in the darkness. “Unnie’s here to save you!”

Suddenly, a folding chair comes swinging out of nowhere and slams into the side of Crush’s head. The man crumples like a sheet of paper, then falls to the floor, knocked out cold. Next, the chair is swung at Joy, knocking her out as well.

“Come on!” Chaewon shouts, this time from behind Minju. “Let’s get out of here!”

She quickly unties the ropes keeping Minju confined to the chair and walks around to stand in front of Minju. She holds her hand out and smiles expectantly. “Ready?”

Minju stares at Chaewon then does the only thing she can do in the situation: burst into tears. “Fuck you,” she sobs.

Chaewon’s smile drops and she instantly hugs Minju. “There there, Minju, it’s okay. I know getting kidnapped by Crush was scary. I mean, he’s so ugly, right! I’d be scared too if I were you!”

“What? That’s not why I’m crying, asshole!” Minju shouts. “I’m crying because- because you make it so hard to hate you! I’m literally the worst friend ever, Chaewon! I was ready to betray you and do whatever HYBE wanted all because I didn’t want to die! But you- you came in here to save me! I’d never do that for you!”

“That’s not true, Minju,” Chaewon says quickly. “I’m sure you’d come back to save me, we’re best friends after all.”

“But we aren’t! I hardly even know you, Chaewon! It’s like you said, we lived together but before that we didn’t even talk! You went off to be in your stupid group while I flopped and had to get a regular job!” Minju takes a deep breath, then continues. “I hated you, unnie. I really did. And I still want to hate you now, but you make it so fucking hard. Why can’t you just be an asshole again? That way I can blame you and betray you without feeling bad! I’m a terrible person and you’re- you’re so good, unnie. You want to do all these big things to save the Kpop industry and whatever and all I want to do is go home! You deserve a better best friend than me.”

Chaewon lets go of Minju and makes sure to look her right in the eyes for this. “Minju, I don’t care that you’re a bad person. You’re the most important person to me, even if I didn’t act like it back when I was still in Le Serafim. You’ll always be my best friend, no matter what you do. I love you, dude.”

Minju gasps, then starts to cry even harder. She pulls Chaewon into a tight hug and sobs into her shoulder. “I love you too,” she sobs.

(“So you guys are just crying about your love for eachother while Joy and Crush are knocked out on the ground?” Jennie asks, rudely interrupting the flashback.

Chaewon and Minju nod, while Joy stifles a laugh. When everyone turns to her with questioning looks, she quickly explains. “I woke up, like, halfway through Minju’s monologue. I didn’t want to ruin the moment so I pretended to still be knocked out…” she confesses.

“Fuck you, dude,” Chaewon says, glaring at Joy.

“Hey, I almost shed a tear listening to it!” Joy shouts defensively. “You guys were acting like ex-lovers in a drama, okay? It was really moving.”

“It really is,” Hitomi wails, full on sobbing from Minju’s story. Jisoo hands her a handkerchief that she uses to dab at her tears. “Your friendship is so beautiful. I wish I had a friend like that.”

“They fought the entire flight to Nepal,” Joy deadpans.

Minju shrugs. “Every relationship has its ups and downs”)

After Minju’s dramatic scene in the arcade basement, she and Chaewon continue their exploration of Tokyo. They decide to get something for dinner because all the crying made Chaewon hungry, so they stop at the first restaurant they find.

The meal goes well enough, until they’re just about finished and three former idols practically run over to their table.

“Chaewon-ssi! Minju-ssi! We have a message,” Taemin says, breathing heavily from all the running he had to do.

“Oh, great, don’t tell me you guys are here to kill us too,” Chaewon says, rolling her eyes.

“Why the fuck would we kill you?” Wonwoo asks, giving Chaewon a weird look. “Taemin-sunbae literally said we had a message.”

“The message could’ve been that you were gonna kill us,” Minju points out.

“It’s not!” Meiqi shouts, slamming her hands on the table. “It’s a message from Jo Yuri, okay! She had another vision and told us to come find you guys!”

“Another vision? Since when has Yuri had visions?” Chaewon asks.

“Since Iz*One disbanded, but that’s not the point,” Wonwoo says. “The point is she had a vision and sent us to Japan to find you guys and deliver a message. You need to go to Nepal because someone you’re looking for is there.”

“Meiqi did some digging,” Taemin continues. “Apparently the BTS commune up in the mountains has been home to a certain former group member of yours, Honda Hitomi.”

“Tomi’s in Nepal!?” Chaewon’s jaw drops.

“Living on a BTS commune!?” Minju says because of course that’s the part she focuses on.

The three former idols nod solemnly.

“Wait, how do you guys even know Yuri?” Chaewon asks, suddenly growing skeptical.

“Oh, we went to Eunbi’s wedding to Shindong with her, Yena, and Junmyeon,” Meiqi explains. “Yuri killed Shindong, Eunbi was freed of mind control, and everyone was happy.”

“Also, she’s working towards the same goal as you,” Taemin says. “She has to reunite Iz*One in order to prevent HYBE from causing World War III. So far, she’s gotten Eunbi and Yena back on our side.”

“I have so many questions,” Minju says.

“HYBE wants to start World War III? Why?” Chaewon asks. “And how does Yuri know about it?”

“Basically she gets visions from the Chicken Gods telling her what to do in order to protect all of Chickenkind,” Meiqi explains. “I know, it sounds crazy, but we have to believe her. For the good of Kpop and the world.”

(“And that’s basically it,” Minju says with a shrug. “From there we took the first flight to Nepal, sent the other three to tell everyone else where we were going, and found BlackPink up in the mountains.”

“Crush and I stalked them onto the plane,” Joy adds. “That was how I knew they were fighting the entire flight. We waited to ambush them until after they reached the BTS commune, figuring we could just hand them over to BTS and convert them into Armys.”

“But we stopped them, right girls?” Lisa says, looking at her members fondly. “We convinced Joy and Crush to help Chaewon and Minju infiltrate the BTS commune and save you and our spy, Seungjae.”

“Honestly, Crush and I only went along with it because we were planning on betraying them once inside, but when I found out Seungjae was the spy, I didn’t have the heart to do it,” Joy admits, lowering her eyes. “I saw how much he cared about you, Hitomi, and that made me realize I couldn’t stop a person he cared about from achieving her dream.”

“Aww, that’s sweet, Joy-sunbaenim,” Hitomi says, smiling at the older girl. “So, what are you gonna do? Won’t HYBE come after you for betraying them?”

“She’s gonna stay here with us,” Rose replies, throwing an arm over Joy’s shoulders. “She can be an honorary member of BlackPink!”

“So, Hitomi,” Chaewon says, turning to her former group member. “Ready to see underwater Japan for yourself?”

Hitomi beams and nods quickly. God, she missed these girls. She’d loved the BTS commune and the friends she made there, but it couldn’t compare to the love she had for Iz*One. The best produce group of all time. The group that, one day, would save Kpop.)

Chapter Text

Hyewon finishes her training with Pushkin within a week. Lizzy must’ve been telling the truth about her untapped magical potential because Hyewon’s surprisingly decent at learning the Russian dark arts.

“Now all that is left is you must challenge Shin Yuna to a duel,” Pushkin explains, handing a glass of water to Hyewon (since bottled water was completely banned in South Korea in 2026). “Once she is defeated, you will be able to undo her spell on the members of Orange Caramel, turning them back into humans.

“Isn’t that great, Hyewon?” Sana exclaims from a lawn chair a safe distance away. A member of the mob seemingly materializes from thin air holding a tray with a fancy cocktail on it. Sana takes the drink and waves him off. “I can always trust Lorenzo to make the best drinks around.”

“Uh, I hate to question you, Sana, but how the heck am I supposed to challenge Yuna to a duel?” Hyewon asks the idol-turned-mobster.

Sana turns to Pushkin and makes a go ahead gesture. Pushkin clears his throat, reaches into his trench coat pocket, and pulls a medieval-europe-esque scroll from it. “Shin Yuna, the ever powerful Kang Hyewon challenges you to a duel at the following address at 5:30 pm Friday. As is customary in the Russian Dark arts, failure to arrive at said location at the designated time will result in immediate death. Best of luck!” Pushkin recites, then tucks the scroll back into his trench coat pocket.

“So, I have to fight Yuna Friday evening? That’s nowhere near enough time for me to prepare!” Hyewon says nervously. “I’ll fail, Sana-ssi. I won’t be able to defeat her.”

“I know that, Hyewonie,” Sana says, rolling her eyes. “I mean, you didn’t actually think I’d make you fight the Russian dark arts prodigy Shin Yuna?”

Hyewon shuffles her feet awkwardly. “I, uh, actually kinda did…”

“You’re nowhere near powerful enough to beat Yuna,” Pushkin says, placing a hand on Hyewon’s shoulder. “When Lizzy informed us about your untapped magical potential, I thought it meant you would be super powerful, but you’re just kind of… the bare minimum. Which is better than everyone else, of course! So, don’t start feeling useless again, because you aren’t! Without you, we wouldn’t be able to even challenge Yuna to the duel!”

“Wait, then why the fuck am I even here? I thought I was the only person who could learn the dark arts and beat Yuna,” Hyewon says, starting to feel a headache coming on.

“You are, Hyewon. No one else in the Sicilian Mob has the magical potential capable of learning them, that’s why you’re here,” Sana repeats exasperatedly. “Pushkin can’t fight Yuna since he’s a reanimated corpse, so, the responsibility of issuing a challenge to duel falls to you. Of course, you’re not gonna fight her or anything! All you have to do is wait at the duel location and we’ll take care of Yuna!”

Wait a damn minute. Hyewon’s finally starting to get a grasp of the plan Sana’s going for here. She’s gonna pull a fucking John Wick 4. Instead of Hyewon dueling Yuna in a fair fight to the death, Sana’s gonna have the mob prevent Yuna from even arriving at the duel sight on time.

“Oh my God,” Hyewon breathes. “You’re a genius, unnie.”

“I know,” Sana giggles.

///

On Thursday, Yuna receives a medieval-europe-esque scroll in the mail. She considers just, not opening it and doesn’t for a while. Until, the bitch-ass cat spots it on the couch and gasps.

“Yuna, did you open that scroll!?” The cat shouts, looking surprisingly excited. Like, Yuna expected her to look as depressed as she always looks, except for when she’s playing with Sarang, but she actually looks happy for once. Yuna doesn’t like this. Not one bit.

“What do you mean? I’m an idol, remember? We aren’t supposed to just open random shit that comes in the mail,” Yuna replies, rolling her eyes.

The cat sighs and jumps on the couch (even though she knows damn well she’s not allowed on the furniture) and nudges the scroll so it opens. It dramatically unravels down the couch and doesn’t stop until it hits the table the TV is sitting on. Yuna looks at the middle of the scroll that has, in really small handwriting, a message on it. For a second, she wonders why the fuck it’s written on such a long scroll if the message is only 2 lines, but decides it’s better not to question it. It’s not like fans haven’t sent her weirder shit before.

“Shin Yuna, the ever powerful Kang Hyewon challenges you to a duel at the following address at 5:30 pm Friday. As is customary in the Russian Dark arts, failure to arrive at said location at the designated time will result in immediate death. Best of luck!” Yuna recites, stumbling over some of the bigger words in the scroll because she graduated highschool with a 0.9 GPA and 174 absences.

“Why are you lowkey illiterate?” The cat asks, snickering.

“Uh, fuck you?” Yuna says, glaring at the cat.

“So, when are you gonna leave?” The cat asks.

Yuna shrugs. Honestly, she doesn’t even want to go to this stupid duel. She’d much rather practice with her members for the next Itzy comeback, but the whole dying instantly thing spurs her on. Who knows, maybe the duel will be fun. She has always wanted to try her powers on a person before- and not just to turn them into a cat

“Now, I guess,” Yuna says with a shrug. “The address is somewhere in Busan and I don’t wanna get there late! Because of the, you know, dying thing.”

The cat nods slowly. She nudges the scroll again and the top half rolls down the couch to the TV table where it stops, closing once again. “So… wanna take me with you?” She asks. “I wanna, uh, watch your super awesome magic skills in the duel. You could bring Sarang too so it’d be like we’re on a vacation or something.”

Yuna stares at the cat for a moment. “Sure, why not,” she says and shrugs. “I’m gonna go pack now, cat! See you in fifteen, okay? Then we’ll take a train to Busan, find a hotel, and pull up to the duel at 5:30. Oh, I am gonna fucking murder that Hyewon girl! I’m so excited!”

She squeals, then rushes off into her room, skipping and giggling all the way. Raina watches her retreating figure feeling horrified. Poor Kang Hyewon. She has no idea how truly insane her opponent is.

///

Friday rolls around and Hyewon is totally not prepared for the duel. Pushkin reassures her over and over again that things will be fine because “Sana’s men are already working on it, Hyewon. Chances are, you won’t even end up fighting Yuna.” But she’s still nervous, okay!

She paces back and forth at the duel location, checking her watch every few seconds. Quarter to 5. She still has 45 minutes until Yuna is supposed to show up.

Lizzy paws at her leg until Hyewon looks down to see her standing beside Nana. “Don’t worry, Hyewon-ah. You’ll be fine,” Lizzy says confidently.

Nana nods and starts clawing at Hyewon’s old jeans. “Your jeans are super relaxing. They’re like a stim board for cats!”

“I don’t think that’s how it works Nana-sunbaenim…” Hyewon says awkwardly.

“Shut the fuck up? I’m literally your senior,” Nana rolls her eyes as best as a cat can, then resumes clawing at Hyewon’s jeans. “Honestly, if you weren’t trying to turn us back into humans, I’d totally wish death upon you for that. Bitch.”

Before Hyewon can come up with a clever retort, Sana comes rushing up to them, holding something behind her back. She wipes the sweat off her brow and beams at Hyewon. “Hi, BFF! So, uh, slight problem, Yuna kinda killed all the guys I sent to stop her… But don’t worry! I have a back up plan!” Sana moves her hand so it’s no longer behind her back and reveals a fucking gun. Because of course she does. She hands the gun to Hyewon and grins even wider, if that’s possible. “If things go wrong, just shoot, Yuna, okay! Technically, we never specified it was a magic only fight, so it’s totally legal!”

What the actual fuck.

Both Hyewon and Lizzy give Sana blank stares, while Nana laughs hysterically.

“Oh my GOD! This is so fucking funny! Hyewon, you’re SO DEAD!” Nana laughs, falling onto the ground. “That’s what you get for disrespecting your seniors, to be honest! Karma is a bitch!”

“Nana, she’s literally the only person who can turn us back into humans,” Lizzy deadpans.

Nana instantly stops laughing and turns to Hyewon with as much of a grave expression as a cat can make on her face. “I didn’t mean anything I said. I was a different pers- cat- then. You are totally gonna kill Yuna and turn us back into humans.”

Hyeown ignores Nana and stares at the gun in her hand. Holy shit. She might have to kill someone with this. And for what? To help some former Kpop idols turn back into humans? Or to help Sana maintain her Sicilian Mob territory? None of those things benefit her. If she had it her way, she’d be back in her apartment, working at Burger King and spending the rest of her life as Nako’s useless servant.

Right, Nako. Hyewon’s been gone for so long, she almost forgot about her- Almost forgot the reason why she agreed to this in the first place. Not because she was a good person who wanted to help Lizzy, or because she hated HYBE, but because she wanted to become a better, less useless person for Nako.

Hyewon takes a deep breath and looks Sana in the eyes. “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll kill Yuna.”

“Thank you so much!” Sana exclaims and hugs Hyewon. She sways them back and forth for a moment, before pulling back and holding Hyewon by the shoulders. “You’re doing everyone a huge favor, Hyewonnie. Throwing a wrench in HYBE’s plans and turning Lizzy and Nana back into humans!”

Suddenly, a familiar nasally voice breaks through the totally touching moment Sana and Hyewon were having.

“WHAT’S UP, BITCHES!” Shin Yuna screams.

She’s finally arrived.

Sana lets go of Hyewon and takes a step back, quickly followed by Lizzy and Nana.

“The duel doesn’t start until 5:30,” Hyewon says quickly, then checks her watch. “It’s only 5:00! We can’t fight yet!”

Yuna rolls her eyes and places the cat carrier in her left hand on the ground. She opens the door and two cats jump out of it. “But, like, following the rules is so, boring!” Yuna protests. “I wanna fight now so Sarang and the other cat can watch me be super awesome and kill you!”

“The other cat?” Hyewon asks.

“Raina!?” Lizzy shouts, rushing over to the other cat Yuna released from the carrier. “You’re here!? But I thought I’d never see you again!”

Hearing Lizzy call the other girl’s name, Nana runs over to her former group members. “Oh my gosh! I missed you, bestie!” She exclaims.

“Is your girl good at magic?” Raina asks, cutting right to the chase.

Lizzy and Nana share a look before slowly shaking their heads.

“Fuck.”

“Can we start now?” Yuna whines, stomping her feet on the ground like a child. “I’m here and ready to duel, so let’s just get it over with, okay! I have to be back home by 10 to record my lines for our new song!”

Raina scoffs. “Recording for 3 seconds of lines is so embarrassing, right girls?”

“Yeah, Orange Caramel had fair line distribution!” Nana exclaims.

“I literally always got the least…” Lizzy mumbles, not exactly agreeing but not disagreeing either.

“I’ll have you stupid cats know Itzy has some of the fairest line distributions in all of Kpop!” Yuna shouts, glaring at the cats. “Now I’m seriously mad! Let’s hurry and start this duel so I can take my anger out on you!”

“Very well,” Pushkin’s accented voice rings through the deserted building the duel is in. “Sana, cats, please take a step back from the dark art users.”

“Who the fuck is this guy?” Yuna asks, turning to Pushkin with a frown.

“I am Alexander Pushkin. I will be overseeing your duel today,” he replies calmly. “In accordance with the letter of challenge, no special rules will be in place. I wish you both the best of luck, ladies.”

That’s it!? Hyewon doesn’t even get time to say goodbye? The duel just fucking starts like this?

Pushkin lifts his hand and begins counting down from 5. When he reaches 0 he drops his hand and shouts, “begin!”

And, like magic, the duel is on.

Yuna begins muttering things to herself in Russian and a large aura begins to surround her. Oh fuck, Hyewon is so fucked. In a panic, Hyewon reaches into her waistband and grabs the gun she tucked there earlier. She aims the gun at Yuna, who gasps and the aura around her disappears in an instant.

“Hey, she has a fucking gun! That’s not fair!” Yuna shouts. “This is South Korea, not America for God’s sake!”

Pushkin shrugs. “I cannot do anything about that. There were no special rules put into place, meaning both of you are able to use outside weapons besides your powers.”

Yuna glares at Pushkin and focuses back on Hyewon. She sizes her up for a moment, then smirks. “Dude, you don’t even know how to fucking use that thing! Oh my God, this is gonna be a piece of cake!”

“H-have some respect for me! I’m your senior!” Hyewon shouts. “And, I actually do know how to use this so, like, don’t make me!”

Yuna rolls her eyes and takes a step closer to Hyewon. Once again, a strange aura begins to surround her as she murmurs Russian to herself.

FUCK FUCKITY FUCK. Hyewon takes a deep breath, steadies herself, and pulls the trigger.

Everyone in the abandoned building gasps. It’s silent after that. No one says a word, until Hyewon hears laughing. Shin Yuna, standing perfectly upright with an aura glowing even brighter than before, is fucking laughing at her.

Hyewon follows the gaze of everyone else in the building and lays eyes on it. The bullet from her gun, lodged in a wall at least 100 feet away from Yuna.

“I DIDN’T KNOW BEING A DOZEN MEANT I COULDN’T SHOOT A GUN TOO!” Hyewon wails, sinking to her knees.

“OH MY GOD!” Yuna shrieks, still cackling. “This is fucking hilarious! Honestly, Hyewon- can I call you unnie? I’m gonna call you unnie- Honestly, unnie, I had no idea you’d be this funny! I’m really glad I came out here to duel you! Killing you is gonna feel so good!”

This girl is insane. She’s fucking insane. That’s literally the only explanation. Hyewon scrambles to her feet and backs up, while Yuna continues to step closer and closer. This is fucking it. Hyewon’s about to die at the hands of an insane Russian magic user.

Yuna lifts her hands and begins to push them towards Hyewon, when suddenly, she stops. She stands still for a moment, before falling backwards onto the ground.

“What the fuck!?” Hyewon shouts. She rushes over to Yuna’s fallen body and spots a fucking gunshot wound on her forehead. “What the actual fuck??? Who killed her!?”

A dramatic slow clap fills the abandoned building. Hyewon whirls around to face the staircase and spots a man standing in the shadows.

“Who the hell are you!?” Sana shouts. “No one was supposed to know about this meeting!”

“Please, Minatozaki. I expected better from you. Any intelligent former idol would realize Kpop idols are never the first ones to read their mail.”

The man steps out from the shadows brandishing a gun and smirks at the group. A head full of transplanted hair, thin rectangular glasses, and the fucking smirk. That fucking smirk Hyewon could recognize anywhere. It’s a familiar face alright. A face Hyewon’s seen on billboards all around Seoul with the words HYBE beneath it.

“C-CEO Park?” She breathes.

“In the flesh!” He exclaims.

“Why did you kill Yuna!?” Raina shrieks. “She’s one of your idols! And your only Russian dark art user! I thought you needed her!”

CEO Park chuckles and moves closer to the group. “Oh please, Shin Yuna was a child. An immature girl that never grew up. She was disposable, like all of my idols. Watching her fight you, Hyewon-ssi, made me realize she was too far gone to continue being useful. So I got rid of her, like I do with all useless things.”

“But why?” Lizzy demands.

“Because, you fools, Orange Caramel were never my targets. I don’t care about your stupid group that could never succeed now that I own the industry. My real target was you, Minatozaki,” CEO Park says, rolling his eyes.

“What do you mean? How was I your target?” Sana asks.

“Well, saying you were my target isn’t quite right. What I meant was, your empire was my target. While you were busy with this stupid duel nonsense, I took out your capos and men stationed in Seoul and the surrounding area.” CEO Park explains. “And, I got something even more valuable than Shin Yuna.”

“No…” Sana breathes.

“Oh yes!” CEO Park exclaims. “I got Cho Miyeon the necromancer! With her power, I’ll be unstoppable!”

“You won’t!” Hyewon shouts, raising her gun again. “We’ll stop you!”

CEO Park smirks and checks his watch. “5, 4, 3, 2, 1.”

Suddenly, a white smoke fills the room. Gasps are heard, but Hyewon isn’t entirely sure who they’re from. When the smoke clears, the three Orange Caramel members are, once again, human.

“We’re back to normal!” Lizzy exclaims.

The three girls embrace while CEO Park laughs menacingly in the background.

“Why are you laughing?” Pushkin asks. “They are human again. Does this not mean you failed?”

“Oh, I’m not laughing about that, Sasha,” CEO Park replies. “I’m laughing because the police just surrounded this building and you, Kang Hyewon, are holding the weapon used to kill Shin Yuna.”

“Wh-what?” Hyewon breathes.

“I’m afraid, the six of you are out of luck,” CEO Park says with a shrug. “Murder’s not something you can get away with, you know. Especially the murder of a beloved Kpop idol.”

“But Hyewon didn’t kill her! She missed because she’s fucking useless!” Nana shouts.

“I know. I’m not saying she’s guilty, I’m saying I’m framing you guys,” CEO Park says.

“Oh, that makes way more sense,” Nana mumbles.

“Welp! Good luck with the cops! Hopefully your trial goes well and you get the minimum sentence!” CEO Park says, saluting. He walks over to an open floor to ceiling window and tugs his blazer off. Straps that don’t belong to his suspenders can be seen and he does a little twirl to make sure everyone can see what was hiding under his blazer. A fucking parachute. “Toodles!”

And with that, CEO Park spreads his arms out and falls backwards out the window.

Sana turns to the other five people in the room with a grave expression on her face.

“We are so fucked.”

Chapter Text

Contrary to what this fanfic may have led you to believe, boy groups are still the big thing in Korea. HYBE’s biggest money makers are full of men, okay? Women still don’t have equal rights and are neglected and mistreated like always. The future isn’t a utopia. Everything about Kpop still sucks and HYBE taking over the entire industry just makes things even worse.

HYBE’s biggest boy groups consist of a line up of the most handsome, attractive, funny, popular, and skinny men possible. Because there’s no room for unpopular, fat, uglies at HYBE, remember?

NCT and its countless subunits are still alive and kicking with a member count totaling around 1,270. StrayKids still has one of the most delusional fan bases possible, with members that honestly deserve way better, but music that definitely doesn’t. Even though Soobin quit TXT to become a hedgehog farmer after his contract expired, the group continued on, appointing Choi Yeonjun as their new leader. Hell, even ZB1 still exists.

“Wait, these are all fourth gen boy groups. Where the hell are the first, second, and third gen ones?” Former idol turned HYBE employee, Baek Jiheon asks, raising her hand.

Team Leader Nam rolls his eyes and clicks the forward button on the amazing informational HYBE slideshow. “We mentioned this five slides ago, Baek Jiheon-ssi. Maybe if you paid attention instead of doodling shitty outfits in your notebook because you secretly dream of becoming a stylist, you’d have noticed,” he says, glaring at the younger girl.

“I’m also confused, Team Leader Nam,” Lim Jiho, another HYBE employee, says. “Why are we having an entire presentation about the currently active boy groups under HYBE? Aren’t we expected to already know about them? I mean, they’re the only ones we actually care about.”

Ma Junwoo, Jiho’s work bestie, nods. “Yeah, Jiho’s right. I guess I could understand a presentation about the irrelevant uggos in the girl groups- excluding Le Sserafim, of course- but a whole slide show on our boy groups? That’s kinda random, and borderline condescending. We might not be the best employees in the world, but we at least know our boy groups!”

The team operating under Team Leader Nam is, if you haven’t guessed it yet, the most useless group of employees in HYBE history. So, obviously, they work in the one department HYBE doesn’t give a fuck about: HR. After all, all the HYBE idols sold their rights away to the company once they signed the contract, so they aren’t even allowed to complain to HR! The department really only exists in name.

HR is so irrelevant to HYBE’s operation, that only 6 employees besides Team Leader Nam even work there. Ma Junwoo and Lim Jiho are the nepo babies of the department. They weren’t hot enough to be Kpop idols, so their parents just got them jobs in HR at HYBE instead. The other employees at HR are former idols from disbanded groups that saw the surprisingly large paychecks HYBE gave their proper employees (excluding the managers. HYBE doesn’t give a fuck about them) and decided to sell out! Lee Seokmin, formerly known as DK, Lee Juyeon, Baek Jiheon, and our king Lee Hyukjae aka Eunhyuk.

“Because, you idiots!” Team Leader Nam shouts, then trails off. He scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “Actually, I don’t really know why. CEO Park just told all the team leaders to show this slideshow to their employees.”

Hyukjae adjusts his glasses and leans forward in his chair. “Do you think he’s doing this as a way to distract from the murder of Shin Yuna? Trying to move his employee’s focus from the irrelevant girl groups and back onto the groups that actually matter?”

“Oooh, you could be right!” Seokmin exclaims.

Jiheon makes a face and returns to doodling in her notebook. Being the only girl in HR, she should be used to the sexist comments her male coworkers make, but that doesn’t mean they don’t hurt sometimes. Girl groups matter too. Well, they matter to some people.

“Ever since we lost Twice, the girl groups haven’t made half as much money as they used to,” Juyeon points out. “And now that Shin Yuna’s dead and Itzy’s on hiatus until we find a replacement, our only real money maker is Le Sserafim.”

“It’s not like that even matters to us, though,” Jiho says with a sigh. “We’re in HR, remember? We just sit around in this shitty basement office, get paid good money, and make up fake problems to put on our monthly reports so it seems like we actually do stuff.”

Everyone nods and mumbles an agreement. It’s true, HR really doesn’t do anything, they’re honestly almost as irrelevant as all the girl groups under HYBE.

“Well then, let’s get back to the slide show,” Team Leader Nam says, returning his attention to the projector at the front of the room.

///

Unlike her male counterparts, Baek Jiheon is actually relevant. See, for the past year and a half, she’s been in a top secret relationship with Park Sunghoon from ENHYPEN. Scandalous, I know. Recently though (more specifically after Kim Chaewon was kicked out of Le Sserafim), Sunghoon’s been acting differently. He never comes to their designated meeting spot on Tuesdays like he used to before, and he certainly doesn’t steal glances at Jiheon whenever they pass each other in the halls of the HYBE building.

It’s weird, really. Sometimes, Jiheon gets the feeling that he doesn’t even recognize her.

Jiheon’s feelings of concern reach a new height after the stupid boy group slide show Team Leader Nam showed. She’s walking through the main lobby of HYBE on her way to get drinks with some managers and Seokmin, when she literally bumps into Sunghoon.

He grabs her shoulders to steady her and frowns. “Watch where you’re going, miss,” he says, then walks away.

No 30 second eye contact that would make anyone on the outside suspicious, no coded message only Jiheon can understand. Just “watch where you’re going, miss.”

What the actual fuck.

“Are you okay?” Seungwan asks, glaring at Sunghoon as he walks away. “I fucking hate idols. All they have is audacity.”

“Really? Because I could’ve sworn I saw you hanging out with Kazuha the other day,” a manager named Iseul says, giving Seungwan a weird look.

Seungwan looks panicked for a second, glancing around the room nervously, before clearing her throat. “That’s because I’m literally Kazuha-ssi’s manager. Of course I have to hang out with her, smart one.”

Iseul raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t press any further. She follows the rest of the group out of HYBE, leaving Jiheon and Seungwan behind.

“I’m fine, Seungwan-unnie,” Jiheon says quickly, wiping imaginary dirt off her shirt. “I was just a little caught off guard by him, uh, bumping into me.”

“Alright, well, be careful around him from now on,” Seungwan says. “Like, don’t go saying anything you don’t want anyone else to hear. You never know who’s listening.”

Jiheon furrows her eyebrows and is about to ask Seungwan what she means, before the older girl grabs her arm and practically drags her out of the building.

“Drinks! Let’s go get drunk and forget all about this shitty company!” She exclaims, still dragging Jiheon behind her.

“Yeah, and shitty boyfriends who pretend you don’t exist!” Jiheon agrees.

Seungwan nods solemnly. “Yeah, in fact, let’s forget about men in general! They’re the cause of all our problems anyway!”

“They really are…”

Jiheon turns back one last time and spots Sunghoon standing in the middle of the lobby, staring back at her. She raises her free hand and waves at him. He stands there for a moment longer, before turning around and walking away.

Fucking dick.

///

“I think something’s wrong with me,” Sunghoon says.

The company issued therapist, and former member of TVXQ, Yunho nods, adjusts his glasses, and writes something down in his notebook. “And why do you feel that way, Sunghoon-ssi?” He asks, still scribbling in his notebook.

Sunghoon pauses, searching for the right words. He glances around the room until his eyes fall on the shitty “art” TXT member Huening Kai made on a variety show. It’s a finger painting that, allegedly, was supposed to represent the beauty of capitalism, but to Sunghoon, it just looked like, well, Sunghoon’s not entirely sure what it looks like. A bunch of spots, maybe.

“Huening Kai’s art is rather wonderful, isn’t it, Sunghoon?” Yunho says, noticing the younger man’s gaze on the work of art.

“I’m not sure if wonderful is how I’d describe it…” Sunghoon mutters.

Suddenly, Yunho leans forward in his chair, looking actually interested in the conversation for the first time since Sunghoon entered the room. “How exactly would you describe it then?”

“I dunno! It just looks like a bunch of nothing to me! I mean, how the hell are a couple spots on a sheet of printer paper supposed to represent the beauty of capitalism!?” Sunghoon asks.

Yunho nods slowly and writes something in his notebook. “Oh dear, Sunghoon-ssi. This is not good. Do you think you could tell me the exact moment you began feeling like something was wrong with you?”

“Uh…” Sunghoon trails off. “I’m not sure! I guess it was when Nakamura Kazuha-ssi spilled a bunch of chocolate milk on me! Or maybe it was when I walked past my girlfriend and tried to say hi to her, but got totally ignored!”

“I’m going to ignore that girlfriend part,” Yunho says. “I’m more interested in Nakamura Kazuha. She spilled chocolate milk on you?”

“Yeah! And like, right after that I felt… I dunno. Like I just woke up from a really weird dream or something. Can you believe I had no memory of how I even ended up in the hallway with her?” Sunghoon asks.

Yunho is silent. He writes furiously in his notebook, then abruptly slams it shut. “Well, I think that just about concludes our session today, Sunghoon-ssi. I’ll have a talk with your managers and see if I can get you some more time off. Honestly, it sounds like you’re going through a lot of stress right now, and your girlfriend might be at the root of it. Go have a talk with her on your next day off, okay?”

“Okay, I will. Thank you, Yunho-sunbaenim!” Sunghoon exclaims.

The older man chuckles bitterly and shakes his hand. “Don’t call me that, Sunghoon-ssi. I’m a therapist now, not an idol.”

“But still, you’ll always be my senior! I have so much respect for you!” Sunghoon exclaims.

Something flashes across Yunho’s face. An expression that looks oddly like resentment. “Go back to your dorm, Sunghoon-ssi. I’ll give your managers a call,” he says, suddenly cold.

“Okay…” Sunghoon mumbles, standing from the couch he was lying down on. He leaves Yunho’s office feeling even worse than when he first entered. For some reason, he has the feeling that something weird is going on at HYBE. Something he wasn’t able to see at first.

Once Yunho is sure Sunghoon’s gone, he stands from his chair and walks to the phone hanging on the wall. He punches in a number every HYBE employee was trained to memorize as soon as they were hired and waits. As soon as the phone is answered, Yunho gets right to the point.

“Sir, we have a problem.”

Chapter Text

Every morning at 6:45, Park Soyeon wakes up to the sound of her alarm. The famous T-ara masterpiece Roly-Poly blares in her bedroom for five minutes, before Soyeon begrudgingly rolls out of bed to prepare for another day of work. She blinks back tears and distracts herself by turning on her 370-inch TV to put on the news. As the boring anchor, who bears a striking resemblance to former TWICE member Yoo Jeongyeon, drones on, Soyeon gets dressed for work.

She straightens her collar over her tie, but doesn’t actually tie it. Instead, she stares at her reflection in the mirror.

“You don’t need him to help you tie your tie. You can do it all on your own. You are happy with your decision. You are strong.” Soyeon recites the positive affirmations her therapist, Jiwoo Kim, suggested doing. Even though her therapist swore by them, Soyeon doesn’t feel any more positive after reciting them. If anything, she feels worse.

Soyeon tears her gaze away from the mirror and awkwardly ties her tie. The knot doesn’t come out as neatly as it did when he would tie it for her and the fact alone almost sends her spiraling. Almost. She won’t cry. Not over him.

“You don’t need him. It was his loss, not yours. You are beautiful,” Soyeon mutters as she attempts to fix her tie.

Her phone rings, snapping her back to reality. She accepts the call and is instantly greeted by the obnoxious voice of her personal assistant, Choi Yerim.

“Morning, Ms. Park! Just to remind you, you have a very early meeting this morning with a future client! And, just to make sure you grasp the importance of this situation: she’s the first client our firm has ever had that’s on trial for murder!” Yerim exclaims.

Soyeon sighs. God, this girl is way too happy about their newest client literally being accused of murder. “Don’t get too excited, Yerim,” Soyeon deadpans.

“Sorry…” Yerim mumbles. She’s silent for a moment but quickly returns to her usual chipper self. “So, I’ll see you soon, okay? Make sure to cut the hour you save for brooding about your ex-hubby out of your schedule! You need to hurry to this meeting. It’s like, super important!”

“Yerim-ah,” Soyeon says and rubs her temples. “Shut the fuck up.”

“Shutting up right now, Ms. Park! See you soon!” Yerim exclaims, not upset at all by Soyeon’s rude response, and hangs up.

Soyeon sighs for the second, but certainly not the last, time that day and enters the large minimalistic bathroom. Since Yerim said it was urgent, she’ll skip her usual 30 step skin care routine and just splash cold water on her face like her ex-husband used to. She still has no idea how that man had perfect skin.

Once she finishes brushing her teeth, she rushes to the front door, tugs on the first pair of shoes she sees, and says goodbye to her cat, Yu-min (named after her ex, obviously). Yu-min meows at her and walks away, leaving Soyeon alone again.

Well, time to go be the best lawyer Korea’s ever seen. Soyeon waves goodbye to Yu-min, who doesn’t even turn around to look at her, and exits her penthouse apartment.

After getting off the subway, Soyeon passes the same soccer field she passes every day on her way to work. Today, though, there’s a group of kids out there just playing soccer. One of the kids accidentally kicks the ball off the field and, coincidentally, the ball lands right at Soyeon’s feet.

“Sorry, Miss!” The kid exclaims, rushing over. “Could you just pass the ball to me?”

If there’s anything Soyeon hates more than her stupid assistant Choi Yerim, it’s gotta be soccer. After all, stupid fucking Cho Yu-min left her for it.

Suddenly, Soyeon clutches the side of her head- crap, she’s having an angsty flashback that all tortured lawyers have about their ex-partners.

(“I’m sorry, Soyeon-ah, but I just don’t think this is going to work anymore,” Yu-min says, standing in the penthouse doorway with a suitcase at his feet. “I need to focus more on soccer, I mean, I’m in my prime right now and you’re like… way past yours.”

“No, Yu-min, you can’t leave me!” Soyeon shouts. “You’re all I have left!”

Yu-min shrugs vaguely. “Don’t say that, Soyeon, you still have your law firm. I mean, sure, you kinda lost all your looks, your talent, your fame, and in a few seconds, me, but you still have money! And isn’t that all that really matters?”

“It’s not! You’re all that matters to me!” Soyeon screams, falling onto her knees and crawling towards Yu-min. She grabs onto his leg and begins to sob. “I can’t live without you!”

“Well, uh, you’re gonna have to,” Yu-min says awkwardly, attempting to shake Soyeon off his leg. He checks his watch and laughs nervously. “Okay, seriously, let go. I have to be at the airport in like 20 minutes.”

And then, he left. Leaving nothing of his behind, other than an old soccer ball.)

Soyeon stares at the ball at her feet, it looks exactly like the one Yu-min left her with. In a moment of pure rage, she kicks the ball into the oncoming traffic, where it’s instantly run over by a speeding black SUV.

“What’d you do that for?” The kid asks, glaring at her.

Soyeon ignores him and continues her walk to work. Finally, after what feels like hours of walking past signs that taunt her- memories of a love long gone- she arrives at the large building housing her law firm.

She takes the elevator up to the twenty-sixth floor and is instantly greeted by her annoying assistant, Yerim.

“Hi, Ms. Park!” Yerim exclaims. Somehow the girl still has all the energy she had back when she was an idol, which makes Soyeon dislike her even more. “Your urgent client is waiting inside your office!”

“Okay, got it,” Soyeon says, rubbing her temples. She can already feel a headache coming and it’s not even 9 a.m. “Go make my coffee, Yerim. I’ll go talk to the new client.”

Yerim nods and rushes off to the break room to go make Soyeon’s coffee. Once she’s sure Yerim’s gone, she enters her office and is greeted by a familiar face. She saw this girl on TV ages ago. In a performance that could only be described as hell on earth…

Hellbayah.

“Kang Hyewon!?” Soyeon gasps, staring at the girl sitting before her. “You’re on trial for murder?”

Hyewon nods solemnly. “I’m the only one. They couldn’t prosecute Pushkin ‘cause he didn’t have a passport, so they deported him back to Russia. Lizzy, Nana, and Raina are being paraded around the country by CEO Park claiming he ‘saved’ them. I saved them! And Sana fled the fucking country after paying my legal fees. Why do I have to take the fall for Yuna’s murder!? I’m innocent, Ms. Park, you have to believe me!”

Soyeon looks around the room because she literally didn’t ask? Why the hell is this girl spilling her life story? There’s no one else in here, so it’s clear someone else didn’t ask her. All Soyeon wanted to know was if Hyewon was on trial for murder, not who assisted with said murder!

Slowly she nods and smiles awkwardly. “Got it. So, you’re gonna plead innocent? Even though all the evidence is pointed against you?” Speaking of evidence, Soyeon opens the folder on her desk labeled evidence and flips through it. Yup, it’s just as she thought, all the evidence points against Hyewon. She’s totally guilty.

“I didn’t kill her!” Hyewon shouts. “It was CEO Park! He shot Yuna!”

“Why the hell would the CEO of HYBE kill one of his own idols?” Soyeon asks, raising an eyebrow. “That literally makes no sense. Are you sure you didn’t do it? Because, I’ll still defend you even if you’re guilty. I lost my morals years ago- after Yu-min left me.”

She turns to look out the window and broods for a moment, before returning her attention to Hyewon, who looks absolutely baffled. “My apologies. Where were we?”

“You were telling me to just confess if I killed Yuna, but I really didn’t! There has to be some evidence somewhere proving I’m innocent!” Hyewon shouts, her eyes filling with tears. “Please, Ms. Park, help me. I can’t go to jail, there’s someone I promised I’d come home to!”

Someone she promised to go home to? Wow, Soyeon was like that once. She used to have someone waiting for her. Someone who pushed her to get up every morning. But now, he’s gone. She lost him, but Hyewon hasn’t lost her husband. She can still return to him and keep him from dumping her ass to go play soccer halfway across the world.

Maybe, they’re more alike than she thought.

“Okay, I believe you!” Soyeon says, beaming at Hyewon. “I’ll make sure to prove you’re innocent, so you can go back to your husband before he leaves you because he wants to keep playing soccer, you’ve gotten too old, and refuse to get work done”

“What husband?” Hyewon asks, giving Soyeon a weird look, but is completely ignored.

“I’ll take your case, Hyewon-ah! Of course, I’ll have to do a teensey bit of investigating on my own to find some proof that you’re innocent, but fear not! I know someone who can totally help me out with that!” Soyeon exclaims.

“I’m really grateful, Ms. Park, but I’m still kinda confused. I’m not married?”

Soyeon ignores Hyewon and picks up the landline phone on her desk. She dials a familiar number and waits. The phone is picked up and a familiar voice blares through the speaker.

“Soyeon? Why the hell are you calling me?”

“Qri!” Soyeon exclaims. “I need your help. I’ve got a client on trial for murder which, completely off the record, she totally did. But, she’s got a super hot soccer player husband waiting for her back home! We have to prove she’s innocent!”

“What do you mean you have a client on trial for murder? I thought you only defended minor crimes,” Qri points out.

“Stop asking questions, Q! I haven’t been this excited for a case since…” Soyeon’s face falls. She turns to look out the window dramatically and shakes her head. “Since Yu-min left. I think this is God’s way of giving me a second chance. If I can help Hyewon get back to her husband without spending a minute in jail, Yu-min will come back to me.”

“Once again, I’m not married!” Hyewon interjects.

“Well, alright,” Qri says hesitantly. “I haven’t heard you this happy in awhile. If you really think this case will do that for you, I’ll help out. I’m sure I owe you a ridiculous amount from all those years in T-ara.”

“Awesome! This is just great, Qri! Listen, I’ll meet you at the station and we’ll catch a train to, uh-” Soyeon holds the phone away from her ear and turns back to Hyewon. “Where’d you kill Yuna, again?”

“I didn’t kill her!” Hyewon shouts, throwing her hands in the air. “But it was in Busan.”

“Busan,” Soyeon says, back into the phone. “We have to check the crime scene to see if there was something the cops overlooked.”

“Okay, see you soon, I guess,” Qri says, sounding a little confused. Which is fair, I mean, her old bandmate called her out of nowhere to drag her to Busan for a criminal investigation. Most people would be pretty confused under those circumstances.

As soon as Soyeon hangs up the phone, the office door opens revealing Yerim, standing there awkwardly with Soyeon’s coffee in hand.

“I’m going to Busan, Yerim-ah,” Soyeon says, taking the coffee from the younger girl. “Qri and I need to find concrete proof Hyewon is innocent.”

“W-well then, I’ll go with you!” Yerim shouts.

Uh, no thanks. Soyeon may be a slowly reforming brooding lawyer, but she really isn’t a big fan of the annoying assistant becoming actually useful storyline. She’d rather Yerim just sit in the office like always and help Mr. Kim or Mrs. Kang.

But, because Loona deserves more screen time, Soyeon sighs and nods slightly. “Sure, whatever, just don’t get in the way.”

“Yes!” Yerim exclaims, bouncing a little. “I promise, Ms. Park, I won’t let you down!”

“Uh, excuse me, but did you just forget I was here?” Hyewon asks, looking at the two women weirdly. “Why the hell has this suddenly become a whole trip for you people? Do you even know where Yuna was murdered?”

Soyeon ignores Hyewon for the fifth time that day and exits her office, with Yerim following close behind. Yeah, this case is gonna change things. She can feel it.

///

She and Yerim meet Qri at the station and the three women instantly board the first train to Busan. Once they reach Busan, they instantly head to the building where Yuna’s murder took place, because they’re in a bit of a time crunch, okay? It turns out, Hyewon’s trial is literally in two days, so they don’t have a lot of time!

“So, this is the place,” Qri says, staring at the police tape lining the part of the abandoned building where Yuna’s murder happened. “It looks strangely normal.”

Yerim nods and begins looking around the part of the building not blocked by police tape. Soyeon rolls her eyes at how law-abiding her assistant is and ducks under the tape. “I’ll look around over here,” she says. “I’m certain there’s something here that was overlooked. Well, probably. I mean, I’m not entirely convinced Hyewon’s innocent, but, you know, if she is. There’ll be something.”

So, Soyeon reassumes her brooding, dark, depressing personality from earlier. If she wants to find evidence like a detective, she has to think like one too. Yu-min would be so proud of her if he could see her now- actually giving a shit about her clients and looking around a dirty building. The job might not be an honest one, but Soyeon does her best. “That’s why I entered this business in the first place. Not for money, power, or anything like that. But because I wanted to help people,” she says, truly capturing the essence of a tortured detective on a corrupt force.

As she continues to monologue, something embedded in the wall beside her catches her eye. Soyeon leans closer to the wall and spots a bullet lodged in there. Huh, that’s odd. Another bullet? As far as she can remember from the evidence file, Hyewon’s gun was only missing one.

“Hey, Yerim, Qri, come over here,” Soyeon says.

Qri and Yerim rush over to Soyeon’s side and also stare at the wall.

“Uh, what are we looking at?” Qri asks, turning to look at Soyeon. “I’m not really seeing anything here.”

“Look! There’s a bullet lodged in here!” Soyeon shouts, pointing.

“That’s weird…” Yerim mumbles. “According to the report submitted by the police, Hyewon’s gun had only fired one shot.”

“Exactly!” Soyeon shouts.

Qri’s eyes widen. She looks between the two women and says the words every single person says in a hardboiled crime drama when an important clue is found. “Wait… then that means…”

“One of the bullets isn’t from Hyewon’s gun!” Soyeon finishes. “And, considering her track record of being useless at literally everything- Hellbayah can attest-”

“Oh my God, that was awful,” Qri mumbles as Yerim quietly nods in agreement.

“-The bullet stuck in the wall is probably the shot Hyewon fired! I mean, there’s no way the girl from Hellbayah and the most useless Iz*One member could actually land a killing shot on someone!” Soyeon says.

Holy shit, Hyewon really is innocent!

Suddenly, a dramatic slow clap fills the abandoned building (Seriously, what is it with villains in this fic and entering abandoned buildings by dramatically slow clapping). Qri, Yerim, and Soyeon all whirl their heads around and come face to face with a horrifying sight.

“Well done, Soyeon-ah.”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Qri spits, glaring.

“Oh, Soyeon hasn’t told you? I recently became a prosecutor, more specifically, I recently became the prosecutor in charge of Kang Hyewon’s case.”

Standing there, in her prosecutor robes for some reason, is the biggest snake known to Kpop. That bitch ass liar who single handedly destroyed T-ara.

Ryu Hwa-young.

“Why are you wearing your prosecutor robes? We aren’t in court?” Yerim asks, tilting her head to the side.

Crap, Soyeon forgot all about the generational gap between her and her assistant. That twenty-something year old was barely sentient when Hwa-young destroyed T-ara. It’s no wonder she’s not questioning why the fucking snake is here in the first place.

“Haven’t you done enough?” Qri asks miserably. “I mean, you destroyed our whole group and now what? You want to destroy the one piece of evidence that could prove Kang Hyewon’s innocence too?”

“Not really,” Hwa-young says, shaking her head. “I was doing my own investigation for the prosecution when I heard you guys talking super loud. I figured it’d be funny to do a dramatic slow clap to act like I had something evil planned when, in reality, I kinda don’t.”

“Wait, you aren’t here to like, get in the way?” Soyeon asks, feeling really confused about the entire situation. Hwa-young is evil- she should be here to stop Soyeon and Qri from discovering the truth, not to actually do her job!

Hwa-young nods. “Yeah, I’ve been going to therapy and I really regret all the stuff I did to you guys. I know I’ll never be able to make up for it, but I hope we can go into this trial with no hard feelings attached. Just view me as a prosecutor, not the woman who destroyed your dreams,” she says, holding out her hand for Soyeon to shake.

Qri watches Hwa-young suspiciously as Soyeon cautiously approaches her. The two shake hands and, shockingly, nothing happens. Hwa-young doesn’t flip Soyeon onto the ground and starts beating her up, the building doesn’t collapse as she reveals the hidden parachute under her prosecutor robes and escapes, and she definitely doesn’t pull a gun out while Soyeon’s distracted. It’s just a normal handshake.

“I am so confused,” Yerim says, proving the painful generational gap between her and the older girls.

“Shut the fuck up, Yerim!” Soyeon shouts.

“I’ll see you in the courtroom?” Hwa-young says, smiling slightly.

“Sure.”

///

Two days later, it’s time for Hyewon’s trial. Soyeon puts on the most professional outfit she can find in her closet and makes sure to get to the courtroom 20 minutes early. Hyewon’s already there when she arrives, sitting cuffed at the defendant’s table.

“Don’t worry,” Soyeon says, the instant she lays eyes on Hyewon. “I have proof you’re innocent. I promise, once this trial is over, you’ll be back home to your husband in no time.”

“But I’m not married,” Hyewon wails.

Soyeon ignores Hyewon and looks around the courtroom. For the first time since Yu-min left her, she doesn’t feel weighed down. She feels like how she felt, all those years ago, when she first became a defense attorney. Yeah, she’s got this. She’s gonna beat that fuck ass Ryu Hwa-young and prove to the world that Park Soyeon is a serious attorney that deserves to be taken seriously.

A few minutes later, Soyeon sees Qri and Yerim enter the courtroom and take their seats in the back. Good, she feels more secure with her friend and assistant here. With their support, Soyeon can do anything.

And maybe, that’s the lesson she needed to learn all along. She doesn’t need a husband or a super sexy younger man to be happy, she just… needs her friends. Maybe that’s enough.

Nah, who is she kidding. Soyeon doesn’t give a fuck about her friends, she’s just doing this so Yu-min will see how devoted she is to a cause and take her back.

“All rise!” The bailiff shouts as an older man in a judicial robe enters the courtroom. He takes his seat on the bench and clears his throat.

“Please be seated.”

Everyone in the courtroom takes a seat and the judge turns to Soyeon. “Defense, your opening statement, please,” he says.

Soyeon clears her throat and stands. She walks around the defense table and begins her classic strategy of pacing back and forth until she actually looks like a professional lawyer that knows what they’re doing.

And so, it begins.

Both the defense and prosecution give their opening statements, to which the jury has no noticeable reaction. As far as Soyeon can tell, they’ve already made up their minds that Hyewon is guilty. But, she has proof that can change that.

“Your honor, I’d like to call Kang Hyewon to the stand,” Soyeon says once it’s her turn to call a witness.

“Will the witness please stand to be sworn in by the bailiff?” The judge says.

Hyewon stands, gets sworn in, then takes her place at the stand. She stands there awkwardly, glancing around the room like she’s looking for someone. Ah, she must be looking for her husband. Well, don’t worry, Hyewon, Soyeon’s got you. Soon you’ll be back in your husband’s safe and loving arms.

“Kang Hyewon-ssi, is it true that you were on the Kpop survival show Produce 48 from July 15 to August 31 2018?” Soyeon asks, walking back and forth across the floor with her hands behind her back.

“Well, the actual timeline is a little different than that, those are just the dates the episodes aired, but yes, I was on that show,” Hyewon says, nodding a little.

“And can you confirm that you were on the team that performed a rendition of BlackPink’s Boombayah so terrible it would be dubbed Hellbayah by fans of the show?” Soyeon asks.

“Uhm, yes?”

“Aha!” Soyeon shouts, whirling around to face the audience and pointing at them. “Don’t you all find it a tad suspicious that someone so uncoordinated they could make Boombayah by BlackPink look like hell on Earth managed to fire a shot so accurately it hit Shin Yuna right in the heart?”

A few murmurs of agreement are heard within the court. It seems like there are a few Produce 48 watchers in the crowd.

“Which leads me to exhibit A,” Soyeon presses a button on the TV remote she put in her pocket earlier and a video that has haunted the minds of many appears on the screen.

Hellbayah, in all its glory.

As the video plays, Soyeon glances at the jury. All their faces have changed. Instead of the poorly hidden disgust and contempt they looked at Hyewon with before, all she can see in their eyes now is pity. Good, it’s working.

After this, all that’s left is showing the final piece of evidence- the bullet lodged in the wall.

But, right when Hellbayah ends, before Soyeon can present the last piece of evidence, someone in the front of the courtroom stands up.

“YOU EVIL BITCH!” A woman screams, attempting to lunge over the gate at Soyeon. “HOW DARE YOU SHOW THAT FOOTAGE! IS THIS A GAME TO YOU? MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD AND YOU’RE SHOWING CLIPS FROM A SURVIVAL SHOW!”

“What? It’s not a game, this is serious evidence. It all connects in my final argument,” Soyeon says, giving the lady a weird look. Like, calm down, she’s not even finished.

“Fuck you,” the woman says as tears roll down her cheeks. “That girl you’re defending up there, she killed my baby. I can’t believe you’d defend someone like that.”

“Lady, calm down,” Soyeon says, looking around nervously. Seriously, this bitch needs to calm down or the judge will call a recess and Soyeon will lose her flow!

“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!” The woman screams and breaks free from the two men beside her that were holding her back. She jumps over the barrier and starts running towards Soyeon, before two cops grab her and hold her in place. “LET GO OF ME! I’LL KILL HER AND THAT BITCH WHO KILLED MY YUNA! YOU’RE EVIL!”

“Order! Order!” The judge yells, slamming his gavel on the table. “That’s it. I’m calling a recess so everyone can clear their heads! Officers, please escort the mother of the deceased out and make sure she’s not allowed in this courtroom again until the trial is over!”

“A recess? But-”

“I won’t hear it, Park,” the judge says sharply. “Go take a walk.”

Soyeon sighs, but follows the judge’s instructions. She joins the crowd of people exiting the courtroom and takes a quick walk around the courthouse with Yerim and Qri.

“That lady was crazy, Soyeon, don’t blame yourself,” Qri says, placing a reassuring hand on her friend’s shoulder. “I mean, I’d probably be upset if an attorney used a video from Produce 48 as evidence that the girl who I thought killed my daughter didn’t do it, but still! Disrupting the court like that was totally out of line!”

Yerim nods and is about to say something in agreement, when she suddenly stops. “We should go the other way,” she says, looking around nervously. “Like, seriously Ms. Park, Qri, let’s go the other way.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” Soyeon snaps. “What reason could there possibly be for us to go a different way?”

“Well… uh,” Yerim stares at the floor, unable to look Soyeon in the eyes. “Your ex is here.”

“What!?” Soyeon screams.

Then, she sees him. Standing down the hall from them, looking right at her. Slowly, he walks over to the three girls, looking oddly confused.

“Soyeon-ah? What are you doing here?” He asks.

“I think we should be asking why you’re here, Yu-min-ssi,” Qri says, glaring at the younger man.

“Well, uhh,” Yu-min looks around nervously.

“Babe, why are you all the way over here!” A familiar voice shouts from behind them.

Oh HELL no.

Qri, Soyeon, and Yerim slowly turn around and once again come face to face with that fucking bitch who ruined everything. Ryu Hwa-young shoves past them and clings to Yu-min’s arm, grinning at them.

“B-babe?” Soyeon stammers, staring at Hwa-young and Yu-min incredulously.

“Yup! We’re dating!” Hwa-young exclaims.

Yu-min nods a little and pulls his arm free from Hwa-young’s grip so he can put it around her shoulders.

What the fuck? Did Soyeon hear her correctly? Is Hwa-young seriously dating Yu-min? As in Soyeon’s ex-husband Yu-min?

“But why? Why are you dating my ex? I thought you went to therapy and became a good person!” Soyeon screams.

“I did,” Hwa-young says seriously. “I didn’t plan on dating Yu-min, but one thing led to another and… we fell in love.”

“I really love her, Soyeon-ah. I’d appreciate it if you accepted our relationship,” Yu-min says.

No, that can’t be right. There’s no way Hwa-young just innocently fell in love with Yu-min. Something else has to be going on here. But, the longer Soyeon stares at the couple, the more her worst fears are cemented. They really look like a happy couple.

“W-well… If you’re really happy together, I guess…” Soyeon trails off. She can’t believe she’s about to give the woman who ruined her life and her ex-husband her blessing. “I guess it’s okay. I-I’m happy for you, Yu-min.”

“Thank you so much,” Yu-min exclaims, beaming at Soyeon. “This means a lot, really.”

“Babe, could you leave for a second? I want to talk to them alone,” Hwa-young says.

“Sure.” Yu-min bends over to give Hwa-young a kiss on the cheek, then walks away.

As soon as he’s gone, the smile on Hw-young’s face instantly disappears and is replaced by an ugly smirk.

“What?” Soyeon asks, starting to feel a little confused about the whole situation.

“Oh, come off it, Soyeon. Don’t tell me you actually fell for the whole ‘we’re so in love’ routine I put on,” Hwa-young says, chuckling.

“You were lying!?” Qri shouts, staring at Hwa-young incredulously. “How much of it was a lie?”

“Hmmm.” Hwa-young taps her chin. “The whole thing? Ever since I ran into you three in the abandoned building, I think.”

“W-what,” Soyeon breathes.

Hwa-young rolls her eyes and takes a step closer to the three girls. “Did you idiots really think just getting T-ara to disband would be enough for me? That I’d just go to therapy and magically become good? Are you kidding me?”

“Well, yeah, kinda,” Soyeon and Qri say, nodding a little.

“That was your mistake!” Hwa-young yells. “Everything I have done up until this moment has been for one goal. Destroying every last one of you. And believe me, Soyeon, Qri, I won’t rest until I have ruined each and every one of your lives.”

“You’re evil!” Soyeon shouts. “What did we ever do to you, Hwa-young? We were nothing but nice to you!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Hwa-young screams. “I don’t. All I care about is revenge, and I will have it. How does it feel, Soyeon? Watching your worst enemy take your ex-husband? Not very good, I bet. And Qri, have you thought about how it’ll feel to watch your own clothing line be destroyed in an instant thanks to allegations of using child labor?”

“You wouldn’t dare…” Qri whispers.

“Oh, but, I already have!” Hwa-young exclaims, laughing hysterically. “You two are finished. Pretty soon, all of T-ara will be. And then, only then, will I be satisfied.”

“You won’t get away with this,” Yerim says, glaring at the older woman. “Someone will find you out! Just like how they found out you lied about the bullying allegations!”

Yerim knows about the bullying allegations? But Soyeon thought their generational gap was too big for that. Unless… She’s known all along and intentionally played dumb in order to gather enough evidence to finally stop Hwa-young once and for all.

“But Yerim, I already have,” Hwa-young says. “Look at them, look at how defeated they are.”

Hwa-young points at Soyeon and Qri. Both girls look absolutely broken. Yerim gasps as she stares at her boss and Qri, she had no idea they could make expressions like that. Soyeon didn’t even look this bad when Yu-min left her.

“You see? No one can stop me. Not until I’ve completed what I believe I was put on this earth to do,” Hwa-young says. She dusts off her prosecutor robes and smiles at the younger girl. “Well then, I’d best be going. I have a defendant to lock up and some more former T-ara members to terrorize!”

Once Hwa-young is a safe distance down the hall, Soyeon falls to her knees. She sobs hysterically as Qri kneels next to her and gently rubs her back.

“It’ll be okay, Soyeon. You can prove to her that we haven’t been defeated. All you have to do is go back in there and-”

“No,” Soyeon whispers. “I can’t. I can’t go back there, Qri. I’ve lost.”

“You haven’t, Ms. Park!” Yerim shouts. “Hwa-young may be evil, but you’re good! And the good guys always win! It’s how legal dramas work!”

“Not this one, Yerim,” Soyeon says and wipes her tears. “Tell Kang Hyewon we’ll no longer be representing her. Whatever happens from now on is none of my business.”

“Bu-”

“SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Soyeon screams, whirling around to glare at her assistant. “Just shut up. You can’t change my mind on this. I just- I want to be alone now.”

“Okay,” Yerim says simply. She turns to Qri who nods slightly.

So, the two women walk away, leaving Soyeon alone in the hallway.

This time, Ryu Hwa-young really has won.

///

One day later, Kang Hyewon is sentenced to 30 years in prison without parole for the murder of Shin Yuna.

Chapter Text

A week after Eunbi’s almost-wedding, in a shitty motel room on the outskirts of Seoul, Yuri has another vision.

She’s inside a practice room, presumably a HYBE one since there’s a giant HYBE logo on the left wall. The familiar sound of NewJeans’ Hype Boy echoes through the speakers. Yuri stands still for a moment, then begins the choreography perfectly, even though she never learned it.

When the song comes to an end, Yuri falls to the floor, panting. Wow, that song was seriously a work out. She doesn’t remember choreography being that difficult when she was in Iz*One. Applause fills the now silent practice room. Yuri turns around and sees an unfamiliar girl leaning against the practice room door frame.

“You’re really good, sunbaenim!” The girl exclaims, walking closer to Yuri. Once she’s out of the shadow entrance, Yuri notices a small white chicken following her.

“You’re a disciple?” Yuri asks incredulously.

The girl looks confused for a second, then notices Yuri’s gaze on the chicken behind her. “Oh, him. He’s been following me for a few days now. Said something about me having to meet you in order to stop World War III.”

“That’s my mission too!” Yuri holds her hand out for the other girl to shake. “I’m Jo Yuri, descended from a rare line of Jos apparently.”

“And our most faithful disciple,” the chicken beside the girl adds.

The girl shakes Yuri’s hand and beams. “Nice to meet you, sunbae!”

Yuri smiles awkwardly. Why the fuck is this girl not introducing herself? She gives the chicken a weird look, but it just stares back at her and pecks at the ground. Okay, guess she has to do this herself. “Nice to meet you too…”

“You don’t know who I am?” The girl asks quizzically, tilting her head to the side.

“Never seen you before in my life,” Yuri admits.

“But, I’m on billboards all over the world! I thought everyone knew my name!”

“I’ve been off the grid for a few years,” Yuri says with a shrug. “I haven’t been back in Seoul for that long so I’m not entirely caught up on everything.”

Honestly, Yuri thinks this girl is full of herself. Why the fuck is she just assuming Yuri knows who she is? New idols seriously need a reality check because Yuri’s pretty sure most regular members of society would not recognize any of them. Then again, HYBE must have a pretty big influence on literally everything if they’re going to cause World War III.

“Well,” the girl says, rolling her eyes, “I guess I’ll tell you who I am. My name’s Lee Hyein.”

Hyein looks at Yuri expectantly. Not entirely sure what to do, Yuri smiles awkwardly and nods very slowly. “That’s nice,” she says.

“That’s it?” Hyein asks, furrowing her eyebrows. “‘That’s nice?’ That’s all you have to say? I’m literally in NewJeans! Why aren’t you falling to your knees and begging me for an autograph! I’m one of the most famous people in the world!”

“I literally don’t know who you are,” Yuri deadpans. “But I’m happy for you, I guess. Anyway, can we just get to the point. Chicken, why am I having a joint vision with this girl? She works for the enemy! Why did you choose her to help us?”

“It was not a matter of choosing, Jo Yuri,” the chicken says in its deep voice that Yuri still isn’t used to. “Hyein also descends from a long line of seers. Not quite as ancient as yours, but just as powerful. And, after observing how far along HYBE is in their plan, it’s quite clear we need all the help we can get.”

Hyein smirks, looking oddly smug. “Yeah, sunbae. You and Junmyeon-ssi weren’t doing your jobs properly so now I have to help. I mean, no offense, sunbae, but you’re kind of a hag now. It’s no wonder you haven’t been able to reunite all of Iz*One yet. Your joint pain probably keeps you in bed for hours at a time.”

She really wants to tear this bitch’s shitty extensions right off her head, but manages to restrain herself. Yuri takes a deep breath to compose herself, then cautiously choses her next words. “Okay, Hyein-ssi. How about, instead of commenting on how old I am, we talk about what’s actually important. Like, oh, I don’t know, stopping your company from starting World War fucking III?”

“Already have that covered, sunbae,” Hyein says with an unbearable smirk still on her face. “While you were at home, sleeping off your arthritis, I was out actually doing stuff. I’ve got a spy in NCT Military reporting back to me every day and I’m helping Son Seungwan and Nakamura Kazuha stop HYBE’s mind control of their idols.”

Fuck, this girl’s good. If she weren’t such an entitled bitch, Yuri would actually kind of like her. “That’s… great, Hyein-ah.”

“Thanks, ajumma!” Hyein exclaims, beaming.

Yuri turns to the chicken. “I want to leave now. Before I tear this girl’s shitty extensions out.”

“Please, this is all natural.” Hyein shakes her head to show her hair is real. “I mean, it’s no wonder you thought they were extensions. I think I read somewhere your eyesight tends to get worse the older you get. Do you need me to order you readers, granny?”

That’s it. Yuri’s gonna kill this bitch. She takes a threatening step forward, but the chicken instantly rushes between the two girls and pecks at Yuri’s bare feet.

“Enough. You two are on the same side, there’s no need for this childish infighting,” the chicken says. “Now then, let me get to the point of tonight’s meeting. I called you two here today because I need you to… collaborate. Currently, one of Yuri-nim’s former members is being held in a maximum security prison for the murder of Shin Yuna. I need the two of you to team up to free her.”

“Me, team up with her!?” Yuri shouts.

“I can’t team up with that hag! She’ll probably show up to the prison break with a walker!” Hyein shouts at the same time.

“Fuck you!” Yuri screams.

The chicken pecks at both of their feet. “Stop it, both of you! Hyein, you will help Yuri and her team free Kang Hyewon from prison and that’s final!”

Hyein rolls her eyes. “Fine, but there better be at least one person that doesn’t belong in the nursing home or I’ll be pissed.”

“I’m not even that old!” Yuri screams.

///

Yuri wakes in a cold sweat. Yena (who was unfortunate enough to have to sleep next to Yuri since Eunbi called dibs on sleeping alone) slowly opens her eyes and glares at the younger girl.

“Why did you wake me up?” She whines, gently kicking the girl next to her.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” Yuri mumbles, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes. “Do you know what time it is?”

“Too early,” Yena says, rolling over onto her other side. She’s silent for a beat, and Yuri starts to think she’s gone back to sleep, until she speaks again. “It’s 3:15. Seriously, go back to bed. I doubt anyone’s awake right now.”

“I had another vision,” Yuri says, ignoring Yena’s comment. She can’t go back to sleep. Not when her anger at that stupid little bitch Hyein is still bubbling under the surface. “The chickens said Hyewon was in jail. For murder.”

Yena instantly sits up and turns to Yuri with a shocked expression. “She killed someone!? Why??”

“I don’t know, the chicken didn’t seem to think the why was important,” Yuri snaps. “All it said was that I needed to get some new idol named Hyein to help us free Hyewon from jail. And, by the way, that Hyein girl is a fucking bitch. She was in my vision and kept calling me old!”

“If you’re old, what does that make me!?” Yena shouts, looking even more panicked than before. “Am I like, on my deathbed to this kid or something?”

Yuri shrugs. She reaches over Yena to grab her iphone 20 and quickly sends Junmyeon a text about her vision. Almost a second later, he replies asking her to meet him in the hotel lobby.

“Does this guy have my notifications on??” Yuri asks herself, flabbergasted at the speed of Junmyeon’s response.

“Chaeyeon was always on do not disturb,” Yena says bitterly, staring at Junmyeon’s fast reply. “She always took hours to text me back. You know, Yuri, now that I think about it, Chaeyeon was kind of a shitty girlfriend. I mean, if your boyfriend can text you back that fast, maybe I need to make a switch to men.”

“JUNMYEON IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!” Yuri screams, glaring at the older girl. “I would literally NEVER date him. We’re just partners trying to prevent HYBE from causing World War III, okay!”

“Oh,” Yena says.

“Yeah.”

The two girls sit in the dark hotel room in an awkward silence for a few moments. Yuri clears her throat and Yena just kinda nods slightly.

“So, I’m gonna go.” Yuri stands from the bed and waves towards the door behind her. “Make sure to, uh, get your beauty sleep or something. You need it.”

Suddenly, Yena’s hand closes around Yuri’s wrist, holding the younger girl in place. “Are you saying I’m ugly?” Yena asks, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t- uh, no?”

“It’s fine, Yuri, I’m fucking with you,” Yena says and releases the younger girl’s wrist. “Go meet with Junmyeon-oppa and talk about saving the world or whatever.”

Yuri almost moves to leave the room, but hesitates. She takes a deep breath because showing her true feelings is super out of character for her. “You aren’t ugly, unnie. You’re actually really pretty. Like, it’s kinda unfair.”

Yena blinks. Wow, she wasn’t even fishing but she still got a compliment.

“Okay, bye!” Yuri says quickly, trying to leave again.

“Yuri,” Yena says right when Yuri’s about to head out the door.

“What is it, unnie?” Yuri asks as she turns around to face the older girl on the uncomfortable hotel room bed.

Yena’s gaze darts away from hers. Her eyes focus on the shitty hotel TV across the room instead of making eye contact with the other girl. Weirdly enough, she can’t look at Yuri directly. It feels awkward for some reason. Like what she’s about to say may change everything between them forever.

“Can I ask for a favor?” Yena asks, voice low and shaky.

“Of course you can,” Yuri replies.

Yena takes a deep breath and stares at Yuri for way longer than socially acceptable. For a second, Yuri starts to think the older girl isn’t going to say anything at all and just keep staring at her until morning.

“Don’t die breaking Hyewon out of jail,” Yena says after the silence has stretched on long enough.

Yuri nods. “I won’t, unnie. I’ll come back to you guys.”

Once Yuri leaves the room, Eunbi lifts her head off the mattress and speaks for the first time that night. “Can you guys just fuck already?”

“Unnie, what the fuck?” Yena asks, whirling around to face the older girl. “How long have you been awake?!”

“The whole time; you guys do not talk quietly. Anyway, the tension between you guys is so thick I could cut it with a knife! And, I don’t know about you, but I hate that stupid will-they-won’t-they thing you two have going on right now. So, like, get over Chaeyeon by getting under Yuri,” Eunbi says wisely.

///

As soon as Yuri reaches the hotel lobby, she’s greeted by a frightening sight. Standing right beside Junmyeon is that bitch ass little girl, Hyein.

“What the fuck is she doing here?” Yuri asks, glaring at the 4th gen idol.

Hyein smirks and takes a step closer to Yuri. “Hey, meemaw! The chickens told me to come find you and Junmyeon-oppa, so, here I am! Ready to go break your bridge club buddy out of jail?”

“Why aren’t you calling him peepaw or ajusshi!? He’s even older than me!” Yuri shrieks. “And why the hell is Hyewon my bridge club buddy? I don’t even get that joke.”

“Isn’t it a stereotype that old women play bridge in bridge clubs?” Junmyeon asks, tilting his head to the side.

“Shut up, you aren’t helping,” Yuri hisses, kicking Junmyeon’s shin.

Junmyeon bends over and rubs his shin, while mumbling obscenities under his breath. After a few moments, he stands back up and turns to Yuri. “Where’s everyone else?”

“I… I didn’t want to drag them into this,” Yuri replies. “It’s better if it’s just the three of us. Less people means more stealth anyway, right?”

“We’d be even more stealthy if one of the people didn’t already have a foot in her casket,” Hyein mumbles.

“What was that?” Yuri asks sharply.

Hyein smiles innocently and holds her hands up. “Nothing, unnie. I didn’t say anything.”

“No more fighting from now on, okay, girls?” Junmyeon says in an attempt to resolve things between them. “We’re gonna be working together from now on to stop HYBE from starting World War III which means we have to at least pretend to get along. So, Yuri, no more being mean to Hyein and Hyein, no more age jokes.”

“Okay…” the two girls say in unison.

Junmyeon beams and clasps his hands together. “Well then, now that that’s settled! Shall we prepare for the coolest jailbreak in fiction since the Shawshank Redemption?”

“What even is that?” Hyein asks, making a face.

“This is real life though?” Yuri says at the same time.

“Oh, right, my bad,” Junmyeon says, laughing awkwardly. “So, let’s get out of here?”

“Wait, how are we even getting there?” Yuri asks suddenly. “I mean, isn’t Hyewon literally being held at that prison we built out on a remote island off the coast of Tongyeong? How the hell are we supposed to cross the water??”

Hyein chuckles and rolls her eyes at this grandma’s stupidity. Obviously, being the young genius that she is, she planned for all that. “Well, unnie, unlike you, I bought a couple friends to help out! They’re waiting for us in the car outside.”

Yuri and Junmyeon exchange a look. Honestly, she really doesn’t want to get in a car with this crazy bitch, but Junmyeon, not seeing that in Yuri’s look, just shrugs and smiles at Hyein.

“Okay, we’re gonna trust you on this, Hyein-ah!” he exclaims.

The NewJeans member beams at Junmyeon and, once his back is turned, sticks her tongue out at Yuri and mouths, “suck it, grandma.”

For a second, Yuri almost lunges at the girl, but clenches her teeth and holds herself back. Right, they have to play nice so Junmyeon doesn’t scold them again. Stupid fucking Junmyeon who can’t even read between the lines and see the true meaning behind the look exchanged with his partner. God, men can be so useless sometimes.

“Are you coming, unnie?” Hyein asks, noticing Yuri is still standing in the middle of the hotel lobby.

“Yeah, Hyein-ah,” Yuri says with a sigh and follows them out of the hotel.

It turns out, Hyein’s idea of help consists of the former member of Red Velvet whose only talent is singing, and Kazuha from Le Sserafim. As soon as Yuri notices the two girls sitting in the front seats of the car, she gasps at the sheer uselessness of Hyein’s “help.”

“Don’t say anything,” Junmyeon hisses, following Yuri into the car. Unfortunately, that means Yuri’s stuck with the middle seat, but, whatever. It’s not like Hyein would’ve sat there willingly. Junmyeon leans forward and grins at the two girls in the front. “Hi, Wendy! How are you?”

Seungwan tightens her grip on the steering wheel. “I’m not Wendy anymore. HYBE took away my right to use my stage name.”

“Oh…” Junmyeon trails off. “Me too, if that makes you feel any better?”

“It doesn’t.”

Yuri sighs. This has got to be the worst team ever assembled for a prison break. They literally have no chance of freeing Hyewon. They’re fucking screwed.

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Yuri-unnie!” Kazuha exclaims, turning around in her seat. “Let’s do our best together, okay?”

For some reason, Yuri has a feeling that their best will lead to complete and utter failure. “Fuck you, Chicken Gods,” Yuri mumbles. “Seriously, fuck you guys.”

Chapter Text

Two weeks after Chaewon and Minju return to Japan with Hitomi, Phoebe Bridgers wakes in a cold sweat. As she looks around one of Yua’s countless guest rooms that she’s been staying in, all her lost memories begin coming back to her.

These freaks didn’t save her after a nearly fatal car accident- they were the people that caused it! Then, out of fear of being discovered by Pharbs and the police, they kidnapped Phoebe and dragged her across the fucking world to do untold horrors to her.

“I have to get out of here,” Phoebe whispers to herself, careful not to speak too loud. The walls in Yua’s apartment are oddly thin, considering her profession, and Phoebe definitely doesn’t want to wake up her kidnappers.

She quickly begins packing the few t-shirts, novelty mugs, Jpop merch, and other items that she’s gathered while in Japan into a tiny backpack. It’s the middle of the night, which means it’s the perfect opportunity for her to escape, book a flight back to LA, and be reunited with all her friends again.

So, once all her belongings are packed up, Phoebe exits the guest room, sneaks through the rest of the apartment and leaves. She takes a deep breath, enjoying the taste of stale underwater tunnel air, and sets off. Now all she has to do is figure out a way to get from the underwater tunnels to the airport.

Honestly, now that she thinks about it… she really did not think this whole escape plan through. Like, at all. Phoebe wanders through the tunnels of Japan, waving hello to anyone who happens to recognize her, completely at a loss. She has no idea what to do now! How the hell is she supposed to find the airport when she doesn’t know how to speak Japanese or have a car with underwater mode.

But, just when Phoebe’s given up hope and is about to return to Yua’s apartment, someone grabs her arm.

“Phoebe Bridgers, what are you doing here?” An unfamiliar girl with short hair asks in English, smiling warily at the American singer.

“I’m, uh.” Phoebe quickly tries to come up with a fool proof lie. “Trying to find inspiration for my newest song? Yeah. That’s right. Just, takin’ a walk to get the creative juices flowing and all that.”

“You’re releasing a new song!?” The girl asks, smiling widening. “That’s awesome! I’m a huge fan!”

“Ah, that’s great…” Phoebe says awkwardly, looking around for a perfect excuse to get out of this conversation.

“I used to be a singer, too,” the girl continues. “I was in a Jpop group, Keyakizaka46, but I left in 2022 to pursue other things. I thought I could make a name for myself outside of the group, you know? But, I ended up the same as all the rest of them.”

“Unknown?” Phoebe asks, pretending to check her imaginary watch so the girl gets the message that she’s in a rush.

“No, silly! A marine biologist! I went to school in California for it- that’s where I learned to speak English fluently,” the girl replies, lightly slapping Phoebe’s shoulder. “I’m Hirate Yurina, by the way. It’s nice to finally meet you!”

“I wish I could say the same,” Phoebe mumbles.

“What was that?” Yurina asks sharply.

“I just said that I’m also pleased to meet you!” Phoebe says quickly, suddenly remembering the gravity of her situation. I mean, Yurina could be her only chance of getting back to LA, she can’t just start pissing her off for no reason, especially when the ex-Jpop idol claims to be a fan. “Say, Yurina, do you happen to own a car?”

“Yes…?” Yurina says cautiously.

Phoebe smirks. Looks like she’ll be getting out of Japan faster than she thought

///

Fifteen minutes later, Yurina is driving on one of Japan’s many underwater highways to the Tokyo International Airport. After making up a lie about her uber conveniently canceling on her, Yurina was instantly willing to take Phoebe to the airport without asking any more questions. It was perfect- finally, she’d be going home.

But, going home was never in the cards for Phoebe Bridgers. Mere seconds after the car resurfaces onto one of Japan’s remaining above water highways, Yurina swings the wheel to the right and Phoebe hears a loud bang.

“HOLY SHIT, WE JUST HIT SOMEONE!” Yurina screams, putting the car into park and unbuckling her seatbelt. “QUICK, PHOEBE, WE HAVE TO HELP THEM!”

Are you fucking serious right now? The thing that literally got Phoebe Bridgers into this situation in the first place (a car accident) also happens to be the thing that’s preventing her from getting out of it. For a moment, Phoebe wants to tell Yurina to leave whoever they ran over and drive her to the airport, but she doesn’t. No- she can’t. What if she leaves this person here and they also happen to be a famous singer/songwriter? And what if Chaewon and her freakshow happen to stumble upon them in their pursuit of Phoebe. So, Phoebe does the responsible thing: she gets out of the car.

And, lying there on the road is a terrifying sight. Her fears were correct, for the world famous singer/songwriter (who also happens to be a terrible person) Taylor Swift is holding the side of her head, staring at Yurina and Phoebe in shock.

“You bitch! You just ran me over!” Taylor screams, glaring at Yurina. Then, her expression softens once she looks over at Phoebe. “But Phoebe’s with you! So, I guess it’s fine. I mean, I’m only in this shithole to bring her back to the best country in the world!”

“You’re here to save me!?” Phoebe asks, feeling oddly touched. Sure, she was somewhat friendly with Taylor Swift back in 2023 when she toured with her, but the two had eventually lost contact after a few years (aside from the occasional repost of an instagram story here and there).

“Of course I am! Why the hell else would I be in the underwater hellscape that is Japan? Your friends and fans were so worried about you- they thought you’d been kidnapped! So, I hopped in my private jet and flew across the ocean to save you!” Taylor explains, standing up, still rubbing the side of her head.

“You were kidnapped!?” Yurina asks, turning to Phoebe with a terrified expression on her face. “By whom? Is that why you seemed so nervous in the tunnels earlier? Because you were scared they were after you?”

“Yeah, something like that,” Phoebe says, shrugging a little. “That’s why I needed you to drive me to the airport, but now that Taylor’s here you can go home or something!”

“If yo-”

“NOT SO FAST!” A familiar obnoxious voice screams.

Phoebe groans and turns around. Standing there outside Yua’s fancy underwater car are Chaewon and all her little minions.

“You can’t leave, Phoebe! We need you!” Wonyoung shouts in English, slowly inching closer to the American singer.

“I thought we were friends, Phoebe,” Chaewon adds with tears in her eyes. “I thought you were gonna be by our side when Iz*One was reunited, cheering from backstage since you wrote our redebut single- but now you’re trying to leave? Did us saving your life after the car accident mean nothing?”

“Huh?” Phoebe gives Chaewon a weird look because she can’t speak Korean, remember? “Can you repeat that in English?”

Wonyoung quickly translates Chaewon’s lengthy speech. Ugh, are you serious? That bitch thinks Phoebe should be grateful? After all she did?

“You mean the car accident you caused?” Phoebe snaps, glaring at the younger girl. “And don’t play innocent with me, I remember everything!”

“These are your kidnappers?” Taylor Swift asks skeptically.

“They didn’t kidnap you! Wonyoung told me you came willingly!” Hitomi shouts in perfect English.

“You speak English!?” Minju asks, completely flabbergasted by this situation. Like, why the hell are they having a full blown confrontation with Phoebe Bridgers on the side of a highway while Taylor Swift stands off to the side with a head injury? Actually, better question, why the fuck is Taylor Swift here in the first place?

“They had English lessons at the BTS commune,” Hitomi replies, shrugging.

“You’re our friend, Phoebe!” Chaewon protests in English. “I thought- I don’t understand.”

“We aren’t friends! You people are freaks! I just want to go home, okay? To my real friends,” Phoebe says, running a hand through her hair dramatically. “I mean, I was supposed to go on tour a day after you guys ran me over! How the hell can I forgive you for that?”

“Because we’re super fun and cool people?” Wonyoung offers, smiling slightly.

“No you aren’t. I literally hate all of you,” Phoebe Bridgers deadpans. Then, reconsiders. “Actually, I hate all of you other than Yujin. She’s cool.”

“Thank you,” Yujin says, moved to tears, and holds a hand to her heart.

Taylor Swift grabs Phoebe’s arm and starts pulling her towards Yurina’s car. “Come on, Phoebe, let’s get out of here. It’s finally time to get you home.” She nods at Yurina, who pulls the keys out of her pocket and begins walking to the driver’s side.

“You can’t leave!” Chaewon shouts. “Please, Phoebe, we need you to help us stop HYBE.”

Yurina and Taylor stop dead in the tracks. Phoebe looks at them strangely. Why the hell did they stop? She thought they were just going to leave those weirdos on the side of the road and drive to wherever Taylor’s private jet was.

“Did you say HYBE?” Taylor asks in a low voice.

“As in the company that literally made Japan sink so Korea could have the second biggest music industry in the world?” Yurina asks, with a horrified expression on her face.

“HYBE made Japan sink!?” Wonyoung asks. “But I thought it was climate change!”

“That’s just the lie the media told everyone. The truth is, HYBE sent all of NCT here to hold a concert- a huge one. The concert had so many people jopping that it caused a 5.3 magnitude earthquake. That earthquake led to one of the biggest tsunamis in Japan’s history, which is the real reason why the country sank!” Yurnia shouts. “Most write the NCT concert off as coincidence, that climate change just caught up to us at that moment, but every single ex-Jpop idol is well aware of the truth. HYBE sent them here on purpose in order to cripple our economy and entertainment industry.”

Taylor nods solemnly. “HYBE is pure evil. They’ve tried to expand to America, but I’ve been taking steps to stop them, although each of their attempts have gotten closer to success. They’re the most powerful record label in the world. Which means they’re even more dangerous than all the American labels that sell their client’s souls to the devil through satanic rituals!”

“That’s why we have to stop them!” Chaewon says emphatically. “And we can’t do that without Phoebe’s amazing song writing skills.”

“You want to stop them…?” Taylor asks cautiously. “Do you know what that entails? Even I, the richest woman on the planet, haven’t even come close to stopping HYBE’s efforts- I’ve only been able to delay them.”

“Yeah, but, we’re Iz*One!” Chaewon exclaims, gesturing to the girls beside her.

Minju stands up slightly taller at the mention of her group name as Wonyoung wraps an arm around Chaewon’s shoulders. Hitomi smiles nervously at Taylor and Yurina from beside Yujin, who grabs her hand. Phoebe stares at the five girls in awe. Even though they’ve gone through challenges (yup, she still remembers the scene they made in the airport bathroom) they’re still able to stand beside each other and look at each other with… love. Wow, Phoebe hasn’t seen true platonic love that beautiful since the 2023 Boygenius tour where they made out with each other on stage.

Okay, so, maybe Iz*One’s platonic love is a little more pure than that…

“If we’re together, we can do anything,” Hitomi adds solemnly.

“Sure, we’re missing a few of us, but once we’ve all reunited, HYBE won’t know what hit them!” Chaewon exclaims.

Taylor turns to Phoebe and slowly shakes her head. “You have to help these girls, Phoebe. They may be the entire music industry as we know it’s last chance at survival.”

“B-but they kidnapped me!” Phoebe protests even though their stunning display of platonic love moved her mere moments earlier.

“Forgive and forget! They need you,” Yurina shouts, slapping Phoebe’s shoulder lightly.

“We need you, Phoebe,” Wonyoung says.

“Ugh, fine!” Phoebe shouts. “I need new friends anyway. Things haven’t been the same since my falling out with Lucy and Julien.”

“Thank you!” Chaewon shouts, running over to Phoebe and pulling her into a tight hug. Seconds later, Wonyoung joins in, followed by Yujin, and even Hitomi who really doesn’t know Phoebe like that.

Minju lingers by Jinsoul and Yua for a moment, before letting out an exaggerated sigh and joining the group hug.

After an uncomfortably long hug, the six girls pull apart.

“So, what now? We can’t all fit in Yua’s apartment,” Yujin says, looking at Taylor Swift and Yurina.

“Uh, I have my own place,” Yurina says quickly.

“Maybe we should go back to Korea,” Hitomi suggests. “I mean, we kinda have to reunite all of Iz*One in order to defeat HYBE.”

“But HYBE will be after you the instant you enter the country!” Jinsoul shouts. “They vet every single flight entering the country!”

“Every single commercial flight,” Taylor says suddenly, eyes sparkling.

“What does it matter? That’s all we can afford,” Jinsoul points out.

Taylor Swift smirks. Oh no, Phoebe knows exactly where this is going.

“Have you girls ever flown in a private jet before?” Taylor asks, pulling a set of keys out of her pocket.

Chapter Text

The morning after Yuri had her vision, Yena wakes up in an empty bed. Not that she’s surprised by that or anything, she knew Yuri had to go, but still. For some odd reason she thought maybe Yuri would’ve stayed.

“Girl, you literally watched her walk out of the hotel room, do not give me that look,” Eunbi deadpans once she notices Yena’s zoned out expression. It’s obvious the younger girl is doing some dramatic abandoned lover monologue in her head that Eunbi wants no part of.

“B-but unnie!” Yena whines. “You told me to get over Chaeyeon by getting under Yuri and how am I supposed to do that when she’s not here?”

“Not my problem,” Eunbi says. “Now hurry up and get dressed. We’re going out.”

“Where?” Yena asks, instantly perking up. It’s about time she got out of this cramped ass hotel room and back out into society. They’d been laying low there for almost a week and Yena was starting to lose feeling in her right foot from all the sitting they did.

“Where else?” Eunbi asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh no…” Yena stares at Eunbi, gobsmacked. There’s no fucking way those crazies from the HYBE Resistance™ managed to track them down to this very hotel room.

“Oh yes,” Eunbi confirms. “We’re going to pay your little friends at the HYBE Resistance™ a visit.”

///

Lee Soo-man and Boa’s successful night club, Euphoria looks exactly the same as Yena remembers it. An inconspicuous gray building that was once the shitty basement apartment where it all started. They’re still a couple blocks away from it and Yena has already sweat through her shirt from all the nerves.

Sure, Lee Soo-man and Boa are nice people, but Yena kind of abandoned them without a word to go help Yuri kill Shindong! And, to make matters worse, she ignored all their calls after crashing Eunbi’s wedding. If she’s being completely honest here, she had no plans of going back to the HYBE Resistance™ ever. Period. End of story. But, of course, Eunbi just had to go and ruin all of Yena’s dreams of freedom by actually picking up one of their calls.

The closer they get to the building, the slower Yena walks. By the time they’re two blocks away, Yena’s practically dragging her feet on the sidewalk while Eunbi watches her with a disappointed expression.

“You’ve brought this upon yourself,” Eunbi says once Yena finally reaches her. “Maybe if you actually picked up your phone and told them you wanted out, I wouldn’t have picked it up for you.”

“But un-”

Suddenly, a loud shriek echoes from the alley they’re standing in front of, cutting Yena off completely. The two girls exchange a look. Fuck. Yena’s pretty sure Eunbi wants to check on whoever just screamed and, well, honestly, Yena really doesn’t want to. Going back to the HYBE Resistance™ is one thing, but entering a shady alley to most likely get murdered is another.

“Come on, Yena,” Eunbi says, grabbing the younger girl’s arm. “Someone literally screamed- they could be getting murdered in there for all we know!”

“Yeah, and if we go in there, we’ll be getting murdered too!” Yena protests. “You can go look if you want, unnie, but I am staying right here.”

“Not happening,” Eunbi says, and enters the alley.

So, Yena follows Eunbi into the shady alley, silently cursing the older girl. They could literally die here for all they know! And dying in a back alley sounds like a way worse way to go than at the hands of an upset Lee Soo-man. The further in they go, Yena becomes even more certain that this is a terrible idea. Finally, as if she finally gained some sense, Eunbi stops dead in her tracks, so suddenly that Yena bumps into her.

“Did we reach a dead end? Can we go back now?” Yena asks the older girl.

“Nako?” Eunbi says instead of replying to Yena’s seriously pressing questions. Talk about rude.

Wait a minute, Nako as in Yabuki Nako from Japan? As in Yabuki Nako from Japan who Yena hasn’t seen since Eunbi’s wedding? As in Yabuki Nako from Japan who Yena hasn’t seen since Eunbi’s wedding who also happened to be in Iz*One with them? As in Yabuki Nako from Ja-

“Eunbi-unnie!?” Nako’s unmistakable voice echoes through the alley, completely cutting off Yena’s increasingly ridiculous thoughts. “Crap. This is not what it looks like!”

Well, that certainly piques Yena’s curiosity. She leans over Eunbi’s shoulder and comes face to face with a terrifying sight. Sitting on her knees over an older man’s body is Nako with blood smeared all over her mouth.

“WHAT THE FUCK!?” Yena screams. “YOU’RE THE MURDERER THAT WAS HIDING IN THE ALLEY!?”

“No! He’s not dead, Yena-unnie! He’s, um, just sleeping!” Nako wipes the blood off her mouth and gives the man’s body a little shake. “Wakey wakey, Mr Han…”

“THEN WHY THE FUCK IS HIS BLOOD ON YOUR FACE!?” Yena screams.

“Oh, because I’m a vampire,” Nako says, way too casual about this entire situation. “Seriously, unnie, I totally thought I gave it away at Eunbi-unnie’s wedding. I mean, I literally told you guys I can’t enter a Catholic’s house without them letting me in first. That’s like, the first rule of being a vampire.”

Yena turns to Eunbi because like, this is insanity! Nako is a fucking vampire? And not like a cool Twilight vampire that sparkles in the sunlight, but a cold blooded murderer vampire that sucks random people’s blood in dark alleyways!

“Help… me…” The man at Nako’s feet croaks, stretching a hand towards Eunbi and Yena.

Nako gasps. “But you were dead! I totally killed you!”

“I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST SLEEPING!” Yena screams. She grabs Eunbi’s shoulders and shakes her aggressively. “Unnie, come on! Nako literally killed this guy- who’s to say she won’t kill us too?”

“No no, you don’t get it, Yena!” Nako says hysterically, holding up her bloody hands in surrender. “He’s a bad guy, okay? He’s a yakuza that bitch Yuki-chan hired to kill me ‘cause I won’t pay the settlement money. You believe me, right, Eunbi-unnie? You know that I’d never hurt you guys!”

Eunbi swallows. She looks back and forth between Nako and the man at her feet, then slowly nods. “I-I believe you, Nako. But, uh, if you don’t mind me asking, what did you ever do to this ‘Yuki-chan’ that would make her send a yakuza after you?”

“Oh, I bit her after a fansign,” Nako replies, laughing awkwardly. “She was like, sooo excited to see me once it was over but, well, I was feeling a little hungry so I bit her wrist. But I’m not like that anymore! That was back when I just became a vampire and didn’t know how to control myself, okay? I’m like, totally tame now!”

“It sure doesn’t look like that,” Yena mutters, eyeing the man twitching at Nako’s feet.

“Oh.” Eunbi turns to Yena with a horrified expression on her face and drops her voice to a whisper. “What the actual fuck?”

“We should leave,” Yena whispers back.

“But she’s our friend!” Eunbi protests. “We should stay and see if we can convince her to get professional help. I heard Chuu from Loona was a therapist now, maybe it’d be good for Nako to see her.”

“No way! Chances are we’ll get halfway to Chuu’s office and then she’ll drag us into shady alleys and suck our blood!” Yena whisper-shouts. “Let’s just go before she realizes we’re talking about her!”

Nako clears her throat and steps in between the arguing girls. “Uh, you guys do know vampires have really good hearing, right?”

Fuck.

“Nako! We were just talking about you!” Eunbi exclaims, smiling nervously.

“I heard the whole thing, unnie. I mean, you guys whisper super loud- if I was just a regular human I probably would’ve overheard too,” Nako says.

“So, does this mean we can leave?” Yena asks, deciding she might as well test her luck and see if she can get out of this situation without having to fight.

“Nu uh!” Nako says, beaming. “I’ve been so lonely since Hyewon disappeared, like it was actually sad how depressed I was. Sure, killing this guy and finally drinking fresh blood for a change made me feel a little better, but I was still all by myself. But now you guys are here and I feel so happy for a change! So, let’s do something together! I know a great sushi place a couple blocks away!”

Nah. There’s literally no way in hell Yena is going to do anything with Nako. What if she goes full on vampire and tries to kill her! She can’t die yet, she still hasn’t gotten over Chaeyeon by getting under Yuri! But, when Yena turns to Eunbi expecting to see a matching look of “no fucking way” she instead comes face to face with a thoughtful expression.

“Unnie, there’s no way you’re actually considering this! Nako is dangerous!”

“Hey! That is so racist!” Nako snaps. “Vampires can function as part of society just like humans can! I’m even vegan, for god’s sake! I never drink fresh blood, well except for today, but that’s different. Anyway, there are plenty of vampires who go about their lives among humans and don’t do anything bad ever! Seriously, Yena-unnie, you need to put that backward thinking behind you and realize it’s not the 1600s anymore.”

Yena stares at Nako incredulously because, like, what the actual fuck? How can someone be racist to vampires!? And how does not drinking blood straight from the source make her vegan?

“Look, Nako coming along could be good for us, right?” Eunbi points out. “If we bring a scary vampire with us, maybe we can make sure the HYBE Resistance™ doesn’t turn on us.”

That’s actually a really good point- they might need back up in the event Lee Soo-man decides he’s done being nice and tries to lock Yena up or threaten her to stay a member. The odds of any of those scenarios actually happening are slim but they can’t take chances.

Yena hesitates for a moment. She looks back and forth between Eunbi and Nako and realizes any further protests are useless. “Okay, yeah, fine,” Yena grumbles reluctantly. “But if we all end up dead tonight it’s Nako’s fault for not helping.”

“Vampires can’t die,” Nako says seriously.

Eunbi turns toward Nako and offers her hand. “So, uh, welcome to the club?” she asks.

///

Euphoria looks exactly the same as Yena remembers it. Hell, even the bouncers (Hyunjin and Yves) are still working there. In fact, Yves must still have her job as the person who takes guests to Lee Soo-man's office because she’s the one who takes the three ex-Iz*One members up to him.

“He's been expecting you,” Yves says, then glances at Nako. “Although, I don't recall you mentioning a guest…”

“We ran into Nako on the way here!” Eunbi exclaims. "She’s an old friend of ours who hates HYBE just as much as we do, so we figured we'd bring her along.”

Yves eyes Nako again before nodding and stepping aside to let them through. “You may enter,” she says, dramatically pushing the door open.

Then she sees him, the one man who dared to defy HYBE all those years ago when they first began their reign of terror. Lee Soo-man sits at his desk smoking a large cigar. Once he spots Yena, Eunbi, and Nako, his face splits into a wide grin.

“Yena, it’s been awhile!” He exclaims.

“Hi, Mr. Lee,” Yena replies, hesitantly approaching. When she reaches Lee Soo Man’s desk, she hovers awkwardly, before he gestures to the couch across from his desk.

“Please, sit. All of you.” As the three girls sit, his gaze falls on Nako. “Ah, a friend. My name is Lee Soo-man, it’s nice to meet you.”

“It's very nice to meet you too, sir!” Nako says, instantly sitting up straight.

Lee Soo-Man chuckles at her enthusiasm, clearly amused by Nako’s eagerness. “Cigarette?” He asks, holding out a box to her.

“Sure!” Nako says, taking a cigarette from the box. She grabs the lighter sitting on his desk and lights hers.

“You smoke?” Eunbi asks, furrowing her eyebrows.

“Nope!” Nako exclaims.

“Now then, I'm sure you ladies are wondering why you're here,” Lee Soo-man says, putting out his cigar in a pale blue ash tray.

Uh, yeah, she sure is. Sure, Yena never officially said she was done with the HYBE Resistance™ but she figured letting all their calls go to voicemail would be a pretty big hint. She never thought they’d be this persistent though. Especially not after everything that happened last time.

“Well, get on with it then!” Yena snaps, glaring at Lee Soo-man. “Just tell us why we’re here so we can get whatever crazy drug run you want us to go on over with!”

“Drug run?” Lee Soo-man asks, tilting his head to the side. “Why in the world would I send you on a drug run? I wasn’t even planning on having you come back here in the first place. Honestly, Yena, I was perfectly fine with you doing whatever the hell you and Jo Yuri have been up to these past few weeks, but Boa insisted. She said you were the only person who could help her.”

And as if his words summoned her, the office door swings open and Kwon Boa enters. She smiles at the three ex-Iz*One members and approaches Lee Soo-man’s desk. She leans against the desk like one of those cool teachers who’s trying to be relatable and grins.

“Have any of you girls ever been to the US?” She asks.

“What’s it to you?” Yena scoffs. “Why does it matter where Eunbi, Nako, and I have been? And what the hell does the US have to do with anything?”

“The US has everything to do with everything! The whole country is obsessed with trying to be the main characters of global conflicts!” Boa snaps. “But that’s not the point. The point is there’s someone in the US I need you three to take care of for me in order to stop HYBE from expanding any further.”

“Who?” Eunbi asks, leaning forward slightly.

“Someone who I believe will interest the three of you greatly,” Boa says. “As I’m sure all of you are aware, your dear friend Kang Hyewon has been arrested for murder. Which she was framed for, obviously. The person in the US I need you to track down is the one responsible for the framing of Kang Hyewon.”

“Hyewon’s in jail!?” Nako shouts. She stares at Boa, horrified. “Why? What could she possibly have done?"

“Nothing, smart one. Boa just said she was framed by whoever we need to find in the US,” Yena says, rolling her eyes. For a scary vampire, Nako’s kind of an idiot.

“So, who is it? Who do we have to find and stop?” Eunbi asks, raising an eyebrow.

“The HYBE operative in the US behind Kang Hyewon’s framing is none other than.” Boa pauses dramatically. “Minatozaki Sana.”

What? Minatozaki Sana is the reason why Hyewon is in jail? Seriously?

Before anyone can say a word to that bombshell of information Boa just dropped, a phone starts to ring. Nako turns bright red and pulls a flip phone so ancient it could be considered a fossil out of her pocket.

“Sorry, I need to take this,” she says and walks over to the far right corner of the room.

Nako speaks animatedly on the phone for a few minutes, then returns to her seat beside Eunbi.

“Who was it?” Yena asks, leaning over Eunbi’s lap to get a closer look at Nako. She needs to like, read her eyes to make sure she doesn’t make some shit up when, in reality, the king of vampires called or something ridiculous like that.

“Uh…” Nako glances around nervously. “I was told not to say…”

“What!? Spill!” Yena shouts. “I mean, we’re like best friends, aren’t we Nako?”

“No! You literally wanted to commit me to an institution and you’re super racist!” Nako snaps, glaring at the older girl.

“THE INSTITUTION PART WAS EUNBI!” Yena screams, throwing her only ally in this room under the bus like talk about a fake fucking friend.

“Why are you bringing me into this!?” Eunbi asks, flabbergasted that she's even involved in this useless argument. Well, since Yena decided to bring her into it, she might as well defend her honor. “And it wasn’t an institution, I just suggested you should seek therapy- which is totally normal these days! In fact, I’d go as far as to bet everyone in this room other than you is in therapy.”

Lee Soo-man and Boa both nod and, after a moment, so does Yena.

“I see a counselor every week for my depression,” Lee Soo-man says, then smiles gently at Nako. “Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Yeah, I go once a week to help cope with my trauma from being an idol,” Boa adds.

“And I’ve been struggling with some things ever since Chaeyeon left me,” Yena confesses.

“See, Nako, there’s nothing wrong with getting the help you deserve,” Eunbi says, placing a reassuring hand on Nako’s shoulder.

“I feel like we just got really off topic…” Nako mumbles, glancing at the four humans in the room. “Where were we before you guys started talking about all your trauma?”

Boa chuckles a bit and smiles at the three ex-Iz*One members. “Right, thank you Nako for getting us back on track. As I was saying before, Minatozaki Sana is the one behind Kang Hyewon’s imprisonment as well as a HYBE operative threatening the HYBE Resistance™. I’d like the three of you to head to the United States and, ahem, deal with her.”

“The US!? No way! I don’t want to die!” Yena shouts. “They’re all crazy over there, you know? They kill people like us for sport!”

“Uh, no they don’t, Yena. That was like, so 2025. The US is normal now that Krystal Jung is president,” Eunbi says, giving the younger girl a weird look. She turns her attention back to Boa and gestures vaguely. “But the US is a huge country, way bigger than Korea, that is. How the hell are we supposed to find Sana?”

“Oh, don’t worry, I already know the exact location of the place she’s staying!” Boa exclaims. “It’s in San Antonio- a house belonging to none other than Myoui Mina.”

Yena opens her mouth to protest, but is instantly shut up by Eunbi slapping a hand over her mouth. She turns to her left, hoping to see Nako with a similar expression of outrage, but instead sees the younger girl looking… thoughtful?

“What, Nako?” Yena asks after peeling Eunbi’s hand off her mouth.

“Nothing- just a weird coincidence,” the younger girl replies.

“So, what do you say?” Boa asks, reaching into her pocket and pulling out three plane tickets. She sets them on the table in front of the girls and gives them an expectant look. “How does a two week business trip to San Antonio sound?”

“We’ll do it,” Eunbi says solemnly, placing her hand over the tickets on the table.

///

20 hours later, the three girls arrive in San Antonio, Texas. They check into the hotel that Boa prepared for them (an apartment style one! Yippee! No more bed sharing!) and instantly fall asleep without bothering to change or even take off their shoes.

When Yena wakes from her nap, she stumbles into the common area of the hotel room and finds Nako and Eunbi watching something on the TV. She walks a little further in to get a closer look and sees that it just so happens to be a rerun of Glee.

“Why the hell are you watching that?” Yena asks, staring at her friends in disgust.

“Oh, good, you’re awake!” Eunbi exclaims, instantly shutting the TV off. “Nako and I were just trying to pass the time while we waited for you to wake up. You’ve been out for a good eleven-ish hours.”

“Okay, but that doesn’t explain why you two were watching Glee,” Yena seethes, glaring at the TV as if that somehow will destroy Ryan Murphy’s masterpiece.

Eunbi and Nako exchange a Look. Great, they already have a friendship Look. Next they’ll be all over each other and giggling behind their hands whenever Yena does something even slightly embarrassing.

“You two seem rather buddy buddy,” Yena continues, looking at the pair suspiciously. “What happened to not trusting Nako, unnie? Did all that go away while I slept? Huh? Do you like her better than me now? Are you gonna leave me for her? Just like how Chaeyeon left me?”

“Um, what?” Nako asks, giving Yena a weird look.

“Sorry, I’m just being dramatic. I dunno what came over me,” Yena says, then bursts into tears. “Guys! Please don’t leave me like Chaeyeon did! I want to stay friends forever.”

“The fuck…” Nako mumbles

“Yena, do you know how much shit we’ve been through with you?” Eunbi, who’s true talent has always been damage control, says. “There’s no way we’ll stop being friends with you, ever.”

An awkward silence fills the room as Yena continues to sob. She watches, completely humiliated, as Eunbi yanks Nako off the couch and elbows her in the side. “Nako, say something nice,” Eunbi whispers.

“Ugh, fine,” Nako grumbles and immediately breaks out into the fake smile she used to only direct towards the disgusting sweaty male Iz*One fans. “Yeah, uh, we like, love you or something. As long as you’re okay with me being a vampire. If you still have that weird racism thing going on then this is going to turn into a completely different conversation.”

After hearing Nako’s incredibly wise words, Yena finds herself crying harder, not because she’s miserable, but because she loves her friends so much. God, Iz*One really was the best thing to ever happen to her. “You know what, Nako? I think I can live with that.”

She really does.

Eunbi places a reassuring hand on Yena’s shoulder. “We’re not like Chaeyeon, Yena. We’d never abandon you just because you got ousted from HYBE for being unpopular.”

Yena wipes away her tears and hugs the older girl tightly. “Thanks, unnie. I think that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she mumbles into Eunbi’s shoulder.

“That is so sad,” an unfamiliar voice says. “I mean, seriously, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you? Yena, honey, if I were you, I would’ve taken that shit to the grave.”

“WHAT!?” Yena screeches, jumping away from Eunbi. She looks around the room frantically until her eyes land on a familiar face… “Kim Chungha-sunbaenim!? What are you doing here!?”

“She’s here to help us!” Nako replies, grinning. “I guess Boa-sunbae thought we’d be useless without help, so she sent Chungha-sunbae!”

Huh. That’s weird. Yena doesn’t remember Chungha having any affiliation with the HYBE Resistance™ when she worked with them. In fact, if her memory serves correctly, Chungha was working with-

“So!” Chungha exclaims, clapping her hands together. “Shall we get going? Revenge for Hyewon won’t happen on its own, you know.”

“Now? Why can’t we do it later?” Yena whines, stomping her feet like a child.

“Minatozaki Sana may change her location once she realizes we’re here. It’s best to go now while we still have the element of surprise,” Chungha replies.

“That’s better for me too!” Nako adds. “It gives me a chance to find someone I’m looking for here!”

“Who are you looking for in San Antonio?” Eunbi asks, giving the younger girl a weird look.

“Well, uh,” Nako sputters for a few seconds, then hangs her head. “I’m sorry, unnie. I can’t say.”

“What’s that supposed to-”

“If you’re done being cryptic, let’s get going,” Chungha says, interrupting Eunbi mid sentence. “We should hurry, seriously. If we don’t get her now, who knows if we’ll ever have a chance again.”

///

And so, a half hour later, the four girls arrive at Myoui Mina’s giant mansion in San Antonio. After Twice disbanded, Mina renounced Korea and Japan and took back her United States citizenship, legally changing her name to Sharon shortly thereafter. She got into shooting, hunting, stocks, and exploiting the worker mere weeks after moving back to America and somehow became a walking stereotype. Once all the other Twice members found out about this extreme change in personality from the formerly soft spoken girl, they kind of ghosted her. Until, Sana showed up on her doorstep just a few days ago begging for help.

“Which is why Sana’s hiding out with Mina right now,” Chungha finishes. “She incorrectly assumed everyone thought she was still not on speaking terms with Mina.”

“You know, I hate to be the one to ask this, but, uh, what exactly are we going to do to Sana once we get in there?” Yena asks nervously.

Chungha rolls her eyes like Yena just asked the stupidest question ever. “Kill her, duh.”

“Oh.”

Chungha pulls open the glove compartment in her car and pulls out a pistol with a silencer on it. She tucks it into her jacket and climbs out of the car. She walks around to the other side and opens the left backseat door. “Are you guys coming or not?”

Oh.

She was being serious.

“Yeah, just, uh, one second,” Eunbi says quickly and slams the door shut. “What the actual fuck are we going to do?”

“Kill her!” Nako shouts, pumping her fist in the air. “She got Hyewon-unnie locked up! She deserves it!”

Eunbi turns to Yena. “What do you think?”

“I think we should just go along with it…” Yena mumbles. “I mean, Chungha-sunbae is the only one here with a gun. I think things will be a lot better for us if we listen to her…”

“Alright, then,” Eunbi says with a shrug. “I guess that means we’re committing murder.”

And commit murder they do.

Chungha sneaks them into the house through an open window she found while surveying the property. While Chungha and Eunbi actually take the mission seriously, Nako and Yena goof off, pretending to be spies on a top secret mission to save the world while they traverse the Myoui mansion.

Cartwheeling down the halls, Yena and Nako almost knock over at least fifteen unbelievably expensive busts of various historic evil capitalists ranging from Elon Musk (who died from a Ketamine overdose back in 2025) to John D. Rockefeller. After what feels like hours of walking (and doing a couple cartwheels here and there), the four girls reach a door at the end of a long hall.

“This is it,” Chungha says, pulling the gun out of her pocket. “This is the room Minatozaki Sana is hiding in.”

“But how do you know that?” Eunbi asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Because I betrayed her, obviously.”

The three ex-Iz*one members whirl around and come face to face with Myoui Mina.

“What!?” The three of the screech in unison.

Mina chuckles and twirls a key on her finger. “I mean, how else would you four have gotten in here? Did you think I just conveniently leave windows open for anyone to crawl through? This was obviously a set up, I even locked her in that room so you guys would have an easier time killing her!”

“We are so grateful for your cooperation,” Chungha says, bowing 90 degrees. She glances at the three ex-Iz*one members, who quickly follow suit.

“It’s no problem,” Mina says with a laugh. “Oh, but do remember to give CEO Park my regards.”

What.

Yena blinks and slowly raises her head. Did she just hear that correctly? CEO Park? As in the CEO of HYBE?

“I’ll be expecting a fairly large check this time- capturing the Don of the Sicilian Mob is no easy feat, after all,” Mina adds, grinning at the four girls.

“The Don…” Nako breathes, staring at Mina, flabbergasted.

“What’s wrong?” Mina asks, still smiling. “Did I say something wrong?”

“YES, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” Chungha screeches. “NOW THEY KNOW THEY’RE INADVERTENTLY HELPING HYBE!”

“Oh.” Mina’s jaw drops. “My bad?”

“Yeah, it is your bad. Now the whole plan is ruined!” Chungha snaps. She marches over to Mina and rips the key out of her hands. She shoves it into the door keyhole, turns it, pulls out her gun, opens the door, and fires a shot.

Then, there’s silence.

Chungha enters the room for a few moments, then exits looking rather satisfied.

“She’s dead,” she announces, then turns to the three ex-Iz*One members.

The three girls exchange A Look. Yeah, no fucking way are they okay with this. In fact, Nako, who seemed completely on board with the killing Sana plan, looks completely distraught.

“I was… I was supposed to find her for Hyewon. I was supposed to tell her it wasn’t her fault,” Nako says, staring at her shaking hands.

“What?” Eunbi asks.

“Sana was never the bad guy!” Nako shouts, glaring at the older girl. “She helped Hyewon! I- Hyewon called me and told me to find the Don and make sure nothing happened to her and- And I completely failed!”

Chungha rolls her eyes and points her gun at the three girls. “So? Are you with HYBE or are you against it?”

“But this makes no sense! Boa is part of the HYBE Resistance™!!!” Yena shrieks, grabbing onto Eunbi’s arm.

“Yeah, as a spy, smart one,” Chungha replies, looking like she really wants to face palm. “She set you guys up so you’d kill Sana and inadvertently allow HYBE to take over all of the Sicilian mob’s territory. But someone had to go spill the beans, so now you’re left with a choice. Do I have to kill you along with Sana? Or will you work with us?”

“I’d rather die than join you,” Eunbi spits, glaring at Chungha as Nako nods enthusiastically.

“What about you?” Chungha asks, looking at Yena.

Well, maybe Yena’s the odd one out here, but she certainly wouldn’t rather die. Sure, the last time she was part of HYBE it completely sucked, but this is a life or death situation! And who knows, maybe rejoining HYBE as the hero who killed Minatozaki Sana will be exactly what Chaeyeon needs to get back together with her!

But, suddenly, Yena remembers something. Yuri’s promise. Yuri swore she’d make it back alive, no matter what. And, while Yena never made a promise like it, she knows Yuri wouldn’t want to return to a Yena who resigned under the company that ruined her.

So, Yena shakes her head and takes a step away from Chungha. “No way,” she says. “You HYBE freaks ruined my life. There’s no way I’d ever help you again.”

Chungha sighs and aims her gun right at Yena. “Well then, you leave me no choice.”

Right before Chungha can pull the trigger, a van slams through the fucking wall into the Myoui Mansion hall. The side door slides open and Seohyun stands there, holding a hand out.

“Quick! Get in!” She shouts, grabbing Nako’s arm.

The three ex-Iz*One members jump into the van and Seohyun slams the door shut, just as Chungha fires a shot. The van reverses, somehow still driveable after slamming into a fucking mansion wall, and zooms off as Chungha chases after it, still shooting like a true American.

“Are you three okay?” Gowoon asks, taking a hit of her Blue Razz Geekbar (graciously returned to the free market by President Jung hours after she took office). She notices Yena’s eyes on it and hands it to her. “Don’t worry, it has way more nic in it than the Korean versions.”

“What the hell are you even doing here?” Eunbi asks, glancing at the people in the van. “I mean, what are the odds Seohyun, Heechul, Key, Liz, and, uh, whoever you are, just so happen to coincidentally run into the Myoui Mansion right when we need help?”

“My name is Gowoon! I’m from BerryGood!”

“Pretty low, considering it’s not a coincidence,” Liz replies, laughing a little. “We all used to work for Wony and have been monitoring the HYBE activity in the US ever since she left to go rejoin Iz*One. When we got wind HYBE operatives were planning on killing Minatozaki Sana tonight, we rushed over here to stop them, but we were too late…”

“Hey, look on the bright side! We rescued three Iz*One members!” Key exclaims from the driver’s seat.

“What the actual fuck is going on!?” Yena sobs, taking a hit of Gowoon’s vape.

“Wonyoung rejoined Iz*One? But I haven’t seen her since she ran off to LA years ago. Who is she with?” Nako asks, tilting her head to the side.

“She went off with that Kim Minju girl,” Heechul replies. “Who has a serious victim complex by the way. Like it’s unbelievable.”

“If Wonyoung’s with Minju, then that must mean she’s with Chaewon-unnie too!” Yena exclaims. “But, wait, why were Chaewon and Minju in LA? I mean, it must’ve been LA, right? That’s the last place Wonyoung ever was.”

“Someone set them up!” Seohyun shouts. “Whoever sent them to find Wonyoung in LA knew the gang would be after Yujin the instant she stepped foot in their territory! They totally sent Chaewon and Minju-ssi there on purpose to get rid of them!”

Yena gasps.

Holy shit. It’s all connecting. It all makes sense.

“The HYBE Resistance™,” she breathes. “I put them in contact with The HYBE Resistance™. Boa must’ve sent them to LA so they wouldn’t be in HYBE’s way!”

“BOA!?” Seohyun, Heechul, and Key shriek in unison.

Nako nods furiously. “Yeah, Boa-sunbae is evil! She tricked us into helping Chungha kill Sana. Well, I mean, we didn’t really help… we were just, uh, kinda there.”

“And maybe we weren’t supposed to help…” Eunbi whispers as it slowly dawns on her. “Maybe she sent us here so Chungha could take care of us and Sana in one go.”

“So, Boa’s behind everything?” Liz asks, tilting her head to the side.

“No, things are way too big for her to be behind everything,” Eunbi says, shaking her head. “She’s HYBE’s spy in one of the few organizations that dares to resist them, which means…”

“She’s been taking orders from CEO Park this whole time,” Yena finishes.

“She never wanted to help us! She wanted to kill us!” Nako shouts. “What are we going to do!?”

Everyone in the van is silent at that. After a few minutes of driving in silence, Seohyun jumps up. “That’s it! Heechul, does Wonyoung still have that chip we put on her to make sure she was safe at all times?” She asks the older man.

Heechul nods. “Sure, but what are we gonna do with that?”

“If my hunch is right, Wonyoung’s with Chaewon right now! If we can find their exact location, we can send these three to them- it’s where they’ll be the safest. After all, Chaewon just gives the vibe she’d be immune to everything HYBE throws her way. And, it’ll help speed up her plan to reunite the whole group!!” Seohyun exclaims.

“Holy shit, you’re a genius,” Heechul murmurs. He pulls a laptop out of a backpack lying on the van floor, opens it, and types on it for a few moments before pulling up what looks like a satellite map of the world. “She’s… in Seoul.”

“Can we really send them back to Seoul?” Gowoon asks, glancing at the three girls huddled together. “That can’t be safe- what if HYBE finds them again?”

“That’s a risk we’ll have to take,” Seohyun replies grimly. “Reuniting Iz*One is our only chance of finally stopping HYBE once and for all. We have to risk it.”

And so, Eunbi, Yena, and Nako return to where they started.

Home sweet home, Seoul.

Chapter Text

Boa stares at her motorola burner phone in shock. Displayed on her screen is a simple message from her most trusted operative, Chungha. “Mission failed. They know.” Clenching her left hand into a fist, Boa lets out a scream so loud the birds sitting on the wire outside the club room window take off. She throws her burner phone at the wall and watches it smash into hundreds of pieces.

“FUCK!” She screams, taking deep heaving breaths.

Double fuck, actually, she decides, staring at the smashed phone lying on the floor. Now she has to use the far less encrypted - even more so now that their tech expert, Shindong, is dead- company issued email to contact her allies at HYBE.

“Is something wrong, Boa-ssi?” Hyunjin asks, sticking her head into the room Boa just threw a tantrum in.

“No, Hyunjin, nothing’s wrong,” Boa says, running a hand through her hair. “I need to leave now, though. Tell Lee Soo-man I’ll be back tomorrow, okay? Oh, and make sure to clean up the vomit in club room #5- it’s been there for a week and it’s starting to harden.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Hyunjin exclaims, snapping to attention before rushing off.

Such a shame, Boa thinks, shaking her head. The girl’s such a good underling; it really is such a shame that her fate is already sealed.

Leaving the club room she threw a fit in, Boa speed walks to her office at Euphora. She packs up all the essentials she brought to work, grabs her beige trench coat off the coat stand in the far corner of the room and puts it on. She takes one final look around the room, then switches the lights off. She knows it isn’t the last time she’ll see it, but, for some reason, leaving her office today feels almost like a goodbye.

“See you tomorrow!” Gowon calls from the bar, waving at Boa as she leaves.

Shannon Williams turns around from her seat at the bar and grins. “Bye! We’ll do our best to survive without you.”

“Don’t say that, she’ll be back tomorrow!” Gowon snaps, lightly shoving Shannon’s shoulder.

“Yeah,” Boa says, feeling her chest tighten. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

///

Boa takes the bus home for a change.

A sense of nostalgia fills her as she stares out the bus window at the familiar Seoul scenery. Even though it’s been 28 years, watching the buildings pass by, Boa feels like a rookie idol again taking the bus to all her schedules because SM can’t afford a new company car.

Wow, if she knew being evil would lead to this much introspection and self reflection, she definitely would have reconsidered being a villain in the first place.

After what feels like an eternity of being stuck in a dream of the past, one where nothing is the same, yet close enough that it feels real, the bus reaches Boa’s stop. She gets off, enters her building and, for some reason, takes the stairs up to her 40th floor penthouse. She runs out of breath on the fifth floor and has to stop for a solid five minutes, before returning to her climb.

Finally, she reaches her penthouse. She flings the door open and sprints to her bedroom, then starts digging under her bed until she finds exactly what she’s looking for: an old macbook with a Hello Kitty themed case. She opens the macbook and types in the super secret password, “1234HYBErulesSMdrool$.” Then she opens her left eye really wide and allows the macbook to do a complete retina scan. Once the scan is complete, Boa places her right thumb on the finger print lock and the laptop unlocks.

She pulls up gmail and sends the following email to the top executives under HYBE:

“We have been compromised.

Three former idols: Choi Yena, Yabuki Nako, and Kwon Eunbi are aware of my identity. A meeting will be held in three hours to discuss our next plan of action.

Plan G may be starting sooner than we thought.”

///

Three hours later, HYBE’s top 6 executives gather in the top secret underground bunker for the urgent meeting.

“The situation must be serious if Plan G might go into action early,” Hong Sanghoon, a wealthy businessman from Daegu, says, absentmindedly handing his personal assistant his suit jacket. He rolls up the sleeves of his collared shirt and takes a seat to the right of the head of the table.

“Absolutely right, sir!” His personal assistant exclaims, then rushes over to the wall where all the personal assistants stand during executive meetings.

“Oh come off it, Sanghoon,” Wyatt Taylor, an English billionaire who decided to expand into the Kpop industry after his daughter’s obsession with BTS back in 2017, says in heavily accented Korean. He sits next to Sanghoon and chuckles a bit. “There’s no chance Plan G will happen, absolutely 0! I mean, the UK would be of no help, we’re simply in shambles now that Harry Styles has passed!”

“You never know, Mr. Taylor,” ex-Kara member Park Gyrui says, shoving Wyatt’s assistant aside and taking a seat across from Sanghoon. “I heard from a trustworthy source that NCT Military may be fully operational ahead of schedule.”

“Posh! Absolute rubbish, I tell you!” Wyatt snaps, glaring at Gyuri. “Your little boy band wouldn’t last an instant against the Americans without our help!”

“Enough arguing, you two! I swear, every time we get together for a meeting like this, you always find something to disagree about,” the only voice of reason (and former Loona member), Cho Haseul says, rolling her eyes at her fellow executives. She takes a seat beside Gyuri and looks around the room. “Where are the others?”

“Late, as always,” Wyatt mutters and pulls a nail file from his pocket. He looks at his fellow executives for a moment, and holds uncomfortably long eye contact with Gyuri for another few seconds, before starting to file his nails.

A few minutes later, Boa, the final member of the HYBE executives, Lee Hyun, and his daughter (and current ILLIT member) Lee Wonhee enter the board room. Wonhee sits across from her father, next to Haseul, pulls out her ipad, and starts watching cocomelon on full volume.

“Unfortunately, CEO Park is unable to make it to today’s meeting, so I will be taking his place,” Boa says, taking a seat at the head of the table.

“You know, I don’t think that bloke’s ever managed to make it to one of our executive meetings,” Wyatt complains, glaring at Boa.

“CEO Park is a busy man,” CEO Park’s 15th new secretary of the week says, placing a manila folder on the table in front of Boa.

“Not too busy though! He always makes time to attend my dear Wonhee’s promotions!” Lee Hyun exclaims, leaning fully across the table to pat his daughter on the head.

“Can she even be in here?” Gyuri asks, giving Wonhee a weird look. “Last I checked, we didn’t allow idols to sit in on our top secret executive meetings. Especially not ones where the topic is something as serious as the company secrets being compromised.”

Lee Hyun glares at Gyuri. “How dare you question my daughter. I’ll have you know, her being here is extremely important to the meeting. After all, she has some knowledge she’d like to share with you, Boa-nim.”

Boa chuckles, pulls a mint out of her pocket, and tosses it to Wonhee, who catches it with ease. “As expected from our most loyal idol,” Boa says with a grin. “I hate to say it, but these days I’m starting to think Wonhee’s the only idol under us who obeys without mind control.”

“And you’d be correct,” Sanghoon says. He adjusts his glasses and reads a note of the pad of paper in front of him. “In the past two weeks, we’ve had around 36 instances of idols rebelling. We aren’t entirely sure what’s causing it, but I’ve put some of my most trusted men on figuring out who’s behind it.”

Wonhee smirks and stands from her seat. She walks over to where Boa is seated at the head of the table and clears her throat. “No need for that, Mr. Hong,” she says. She pulls a clicker out of her pocket, presses the button, and the giant TV behind Boa turns on. A picture of Seungwan and Kazuha engaged in conversation in front of the HYBE basement vending machine appears on the screen. “Son Seungwan and Nakamura Kazuha are behind it, obviously,” she says. “One of my girls caught them talking kind of loudly about it last week, so we set up some cameras and caught them in the act! Apparently, the chocolate milk in that vending machine is the way they’re reversing the mind control effects. I don’t really get it, but it seems to work, so let’s just go with it.”

Once Wonhee finishes, Lee Hyun bursts into applause and stands. “Just as expected from my amazing daughter! She’s the only one around here who gets a goddamn thing done!”

“She takes after her father, then!” Wyatt exclaims, slapping Lee Hyun on the back. “You and me, chum, we’re the only two here who actually care about the company!”

Haseul turns to Gyuri and rolls her eyes. “Men, am I right?” she whispers.

“Don’t lump me in with your feminist agenda,” Gyuri snaps, glaring at Haseul.

“Can we get back to the topic at hand, please!” Boa shouts. “Wonhee, thank you for that, uhm, presentation, I suppose. But dealing with Nakamura Kazuha and Son Seungwan can come later. Right now, there’s an even bigger annoyance we have to deal with: those fucking Iz*One girls.”

“I thought Iz*One disbanded years ago?” Sanghoon says, giving Boa a weird look.

“They did, but apparently Kim Chaewon’s placed the idea of reuniting the entire group into everyone’s heads. I tried to kill her by sending her to LA for the Bloods to take care of her, but failed miserably. Now, Kwon Eunbi, Yabuki Nako, and Choi Yena are out there doing God knows what after Chungha went and revealed everything to them! If we don’t deal with those girls now, we’re screwed!” Boa shouts, throwing her hands in the air. “Does anyone have any suggestions on what we should do? No bad ideas.”

“Uh, lock them in prison? We have the entire police force and criminal justice system in our pocket, after all,” Sanghoon suggests.

“Send an NCT Military subunit to kill them?” Haseul offers.

“Oh! I know! Have a former Iz*One member still under our company join them as a spy! That way they can destroy the entire group from the inside!” Gyuri exclaims.

“What a stupid idea!” Lee Hyun scoffs, rolling his eyes. “There’s no chance that would ever work!”

Wonhee hesitantly raises her hand. “I have an idea… What if we have an ex-member still under our company working as our spy? If what I know about Chaewon-sunbae is correct, she’d never suspect one of her so-called ‘friends.’” Wonhee says, completely stealing Gyuri’s idea, like, what an asshole.

“WHAT AN AMAZING IDEA!” Lee Hyun exclaims, beginning to clap loudly. “Just as I expected from my dear daughter! I don’t think the industry has ever had an idol as smart as her! No sirree, bob!”

“B-but that was my idea…” Gyuri murmurs.

“Wow, Wonhee, I’m impressed!” Boa exclaims, clapping the younger girl on the shoulder. “That’s a fantastic idea, really. Have you figured out who’s going to be our spy yet? Or do you need more time?”

“Oh, don’t worry,” Wonhee says, beginning to smirk. “I have the perfect two faced, back stabbing bitch to act as our spy.”

As soon as Wonhee says those words, Lee Hyun’s assistant rushes over to the door and swings it open. Everyone in the room whirls their heads around to see just who Wonhee selected for the mission and, as soon as they lay eyes on her, their jaws drop.

“Miyawaki Sakura will be our spy,” Wonhee says, looking around the room with a smug grin.

Holy shit, this girl thinks she’s better than all of them! What the actual fuck? Boa holds back her anger at a literal child thinking she’s better, and instead decides to just question Wonhee because, who knows? The kid might crack under pressure.

“How do we know Sakura is loyal? Son Seungwan and Nakamura Kazuha could have freed her from our mind control with their, uhm, unorthodox method,” Boa says skeptically.

“They did,” Sakura says, suddenly. “But that doesn’t matter to me. With or without mind control, I’m completely loyal to HYBE.”

“It’s true,” Sanghoon says, nodding solemnly. “You weren’t here for it, Boa-ssi, but when CEO Park was deciding what to do with Chaewon, Sakura voted for kicking her out of the group, citing her failure to generate revenue. She set aside her personal opinion and put the greater good of HYBE first. Her loyalty lies with the company completely.”

“That was a serious bitch move,” Haseul adds, narrowing her eyes at Sakura. “We were tied, you know? CEO Park brought you in as the deciding vote and you voted for expulsion. If there’s any ex-Iz*One member still under HYBE that’s a stone cold bitch, it’s definitely Sakura.”

Sakura giggles and twirls a strand of hair around her finger. “Aww, you flatter me.”

Good loyalty is hard to come by these days, Boa knows that well. And, while she still doesn’t fully trust Sakura with this mission, she knows the girl is the closest she’ll get to a completely loyal HYBE operative. So, Boa takes a deep breath, and nods. “Okay, Wonhee, we’ll go with your plan. Sakura, you have a month to take care of Kim Chaewon’s little rebellion. If the job isn’t done by NCT Military’s debut, well, I think you know what will happen to you.”

“Yes, Boa-nim,” Sakura says. “Don’t worry- I won’t fail.”

“You better not, for your own sake,” Boa says, then turns to Lee Hyun’s assistant. “Take her out of here! We have other matters to address.”

Once Sakura is escorted out of the room by Lee Hyun’s assistant, Boa turns to the rest of the HYBE Executives. “So, what do you suppose we do about Son Seungwan and Nakamura Kazuha?”

“Oh! Oh! Me! Me!” Wonhee shouts, waving her hand around in the air wildly.

Boa sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. Dear lord, this is going to be a long fucking meeting.