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Chapter Text

—

The background clamors and the light sound of music would rhyme with a drastic CRASH! into a counter. 

A veiny hand gripped a girl’s hair with all his might. The face was still firmly pressed into the cold, marble counter. His breaths were cold, every huff angered as his hands shook still from what he just did. His teeth were gritted and on display as he only felt anger surging through his veins. His eyes darkened and still sunk his hand in her hair. Only a whimper was heard from her and next minute she was lifeless. Her body was limp, after the multiple times he bashed her head in. 

The crowds now surrounded him and the fallen girl. 

”Chan?..” 

Chan would look up, loosening his grip on the girl. His jaw tightened as he only met eyes with him. The boy that saw him as everything . His eyes, small and fearful, only had a hand almost behind him grasping for someone else to run off with. His eyes just welled with fear, his tiny gasps of air. His shiny, long-ish platinum blond hair fell perfectly into place. His lips would pout, and his eyes lost the sparkle as he witnessed the aftermath. His shoulders shrugging, and his posture sinking down. The boy physically expressed how he felt now. Chan’s heart just tore at every moment. 

“Felix..-” 

The blood gushed out from the unconscious girl. The counter was painted with the girl’s blood. Splattered. Her face twisted inhamely with her now broken nose. Not even able to salvage herself with gasps of air nor struggle. Just a peaceful, laying body. Shocked. The crowd was staying still as every single pair of eyes just stared at Chan, in shame. Something he’s never felt more of until now as he was caught. He couldn’t explain, nor defend what he saw. Seeing Red , wasn’t something thought of lightly. 


Felix just ran.

***


Gasping for air, the boy hid in the bathroom inside this graduation party. Unable to form any thought after witnessing possibly the worst ever scene he’s ever witnessed during his small life span right now. He watched a girl, someone his age, just get slammed by someone he loved. Head into a marble counter, blood shot everywhere, and the single crazed expression that Chan held. Felix would hold his chest, almost like he was trying to keep in his pounding heart from escaping. Everything was a blur, his hands finally grabbing onto the doorknob and locking it properly. Felix fell onto his knees. He breathed, biting his lips as he held in his sobs. Only an ambulance wailed in the background, agreeing with the likened wails of Felix. 

Traitor.


“Felix?.. listen I can explain..-“ 


It sounded like gunshots, it sounded like everything terrifying he manifested in his head. He fought to not remember, biting his lip and squinting his big eyes shut. He lulled himself into some space to not picture it. He saw blood splatter when the girl pulled her head up to cough. There was no reason— no way he had a reason to do that. He could imagine himself in the same place. He shook, rubbing his nose imagining the pain Chan just put her though. 

Knock Knock. 


“He’s gone, Felix.”


Another voice spoke, someone with a more upbeat, deep-ish voice spoke. Not much was down to make him leave, and it jerked Felix back to reality. He remembered he heard sirens just he unlocked the door. Felix panicked again. His tears once again, invited to make an entrance as he went to the big window to see..


He was probably watching Chan get arrested, the dazzling red and blue lights flickered on his face as he was interrogated heavily. Crowds were scattered. Most disappeared, due to the police, and to the fact everyone was handling alcohol underaged. 

“Wait-..”

He felt a hand settle on his back, rubbing his back.

”He’s gone. Don’t worry.”

Felix would glance back at the guy, doing a double take and clearing his throat.


“I didn’t-..”

”You do. You don’t want to deal with that.” 

The guy softly spoke, keeping him level headed.

”My name’s Changbin, just focus on me right now.” 

“Felix-.. I just-..”

Changbin looked only concerned as he looked him up and down again. Felix would only watch him. A tinge of embarrassment caved in as he looked into his eyes. 

—

”We all knew you liked him.”

—

Chapter Text

——

“It’s time to move on, and let go. Thank you Class of ‘XX.” 

——

The valedictorian’s word echoed in Felix’s head, his head was pounding itself in because of a nasty hangover that he gave himself during a graduation party. Even though Han, his friend, affirmed him it was not too bad. It was just beer. But, beer turned into shots of vodka and other concoctions that the graduates slathered together with their parents’ liquor. Maybe it was the frustration he felt towards this entire academic year, how he felt extremely deteriorated and burned out, reaching the end with a bruised and broken hand. His freckled face, kissed by the morning sunlight, puckered his lips together for a second. 

Felix would get up, immediately his mouth watered. He swallowed, biting his lip and squinting his eyes shut. His mouth covered it, taking a breathe so he wouldn’t throw up again. He dwindled for a hot second. He sat down again, shaking his head. He hated this feeling. He hated how disgusting he felt at the moment because he just wanted to feel something the night before. Punishing his body for some things that weren’t his fault. 

Thud Thud Thud 

Creaky wood, and loud skips hiking up the stairs would sound. Immediately telling of Han, as he’d hear Han hum as he strolled inside.

”Oh! You’re awake. Thank god! You drank a-lot for your first time..”

He fidgeted with his fingers, adjusting his glasses as he cleared his throat. He’d chew at his lip for a second before looking to his phone.

”Right-.. right. You remember that beach house?- well it seems like Changbin is inviting us to stay over with his other friends for the summer before we head to college?”

”Huh-? But wait, remember-“

”Felix, listen. It’s been a year. He’s not been in contact for that year.”

Han would rub his neck, then using both of his hands to motion. Using a scissor motion with his hand to just say,

”Cut it out! It’ll be fun, it’s for just a month or less! I really want to see everyone again!-“ 

He shook him by the shoulders, pausing immediately after he realized Felix was still nauseous.

”Nevermind.. listen I’m not sure.”

“You better be sure, Felix.”

He set his bag down, displaying the belongings he was going to bring to the beach house. His essentials, essentially, obviously what took up most of his bag was well— clothing and his bathroom essentials. His other bag, which was in more of his display, strictly showed some substances to lovingly abuse and his electronics. Felix himself debated in his head if a lighter could blow up his tote bag if it was by his computer or his phone. 

Felix would sigh, his bag already packed with more tame essentials. He was more or so the D.D. ( designated driver ), the guy who always has your back if you’re drunk. He could muster up any emotional excuse on call for parents, anything. It was an essential skill that benefitted many, besides himself. It wasn’t like Felix was the judgmental type either though, he just thought in his own taste. It tasted awful, but he understood many around him always liked it. Even after getting wasted properly, he wasn’t still so sure of what the hype was. 

“With my expertise in weed, and your expertise in baking. We could totally make some edibles for the group to actually enjoy. Not like the rest that’s like - oh I just take edibles like a pill and pray it kicks in- you know stuff like that.” 

“Han, you’re such a loser.” Felix scolded him, trying not to laugh at his very big idea. 

There was a time where all people he was in contact with weren’t strictly smoking or drinking-.. or anything in between that’s not as beneficial as others. He sometimes missed the feeling of raw emotion being created by themselves, not some drug or drink that’s going to make them forget nearly half of everything. There was a time where it was kids, kids under the impression energy drinks were the worst thing in the world and substances alike to whatever Han had in his crotchet tote bag was out of reach entirely.

Felix shrugged it off. Han just looked stupid right now with his dumb expression and his weed pen decorated with stickers just twirling in his hand. His eyes just rolled, seeing the pen. Han would raise his eyebrows, holding it out.

”I’m gagging just seeing it, Han.” 

Han would smile, shaking his head. 

“Right. Nevermind.”

He would pocket it. Han still eyed Felix, concerned.

“Nothing that Chan did last year is happening this year. Felix.”

“There’s no reason why Changbin should be inviting me. We really weren’t in contact because he was so busy with college.”

“Changbin likes you, he thinks you’re a sweet guy who needs to.. socialize more? Whatever, stop complaining that you’re on his good side! That’s well— good. I mean he came to your graduation, which isn’t very typical of him.” 

Felix laid back on Han’s bed, adjusting the oversized shirt he wore at the moment. The striped black and white covers were cool to the touch. His pillows were so soft as he looked up at the smooth white ceiling. Posters’ were tacked onto the wall around the bed, the bedroom of Han’s just reassembled chaos and calm.

“Why are you about to sleep? Get up, it’s about time we leave.”

Han would nudge him.

“Promise me this will be a nice vacation, Han.”

“I swear- promise.. it’ll be chill.”

“Chill?”

”Chill.”  

Chapter Text

“Don’t give me that look.” 

His blond hair was draped over his sun-kissed skin. His big eyes looked into the other boy’s face with a pout. His lips drawn together. Changbin rubbed his arm to comfort him, sighing deeply. Changbin cupped his face, perking up the corners of his mouth with his thumbs to attempt to get him to smile. 

“Felix..”

Changbin almost whined, shaking his face gently. He kept eye-contact with him. Patiently waiting, which ticked off Felix a bit. 

He would smile at Changbin. Changbin would feel a sense of warmth in his chest from seeing him smile so happily. A redness was brought to his face, a blush (?) The sparkle in his eyes, just the way he would gleam. Felix’s hands would hold his wrists, lowering his head.

”I’m fine, thank you for everything.”

He quietly said, stepping back, walking off to his car. 

“Changbin?” 


Changbin looked over, shaking off his thoughts, remembering how he finally talked to Felix again, last summer.

“Yeah?” 

“You haven’t eaten- yet? You’re usually the first to finish.”

He would look down to the half eaten meal, this was honestly nothing to Changbin. It was just gimbap. Basically a snack. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

His taller friend eyed him, holding his gimbap while walking down the market area. Changbin would swallow, going to take a bite to compensate for the time he’d taken. The thoughts he kept having about this one, washed up guy that was almost obsessed with one of his closest friends? Hell no. He did feel like he had a chance though since he never said a peep about Felix like that. Chan only mentioned girls and so on. He wasn’t-.. attracted like what he’s felt towards certain men. That’s all he remembered. Hell, he seemed repelled at the thought.

Even if he was?..

Chan would’ve been a dick to him, like he was to all those girls he’d never mention to Felix. 

Chan ruined a girl’s life in one swing. If he was so confident in even trying that in a public setting, what would he try behind closed doors? Why were there so many rumors breaking out after he left? Something was wrong and it was Chan. The more Changbin held back the more felt. 

After he was taken away, he wouldn’t even say a word about it. Nothing to defend himself, nothing to offend himself. He only saw it when the crowd saw it. When her nose bled, when she blanked. Not a word was exchanged as Changbin watched him. He went to hide, before Chan went after him. Changbin couldn’t speak. He was numb. A lump in his throat, swelled. Everything felt fuzzy as Chan shouted a few more times. His head lowered, the echoes of Chan’s screams. He then saw him, he saw Felix. 

“Felix-.. Felix? Why’s that name sticking with me.”

He’d mumble, his lip pouted.

”Felix? That-..”

”Hyunjin, yeah, just Felix.” 

Changbin thought, swallowing his saliva. He went to take another bite of his gimbap. He stood on the sidewalk, looking around the scenic area. 

“How are you gonna end up thinking about most troubled individual out of everyone here.”  

“It’s Felix?” 

“Why don’t we not think about him for right now then. Let’s get some drinks for the beach house and a few other things.”

”Right-.. I forget Felix- and the others?-“

Hyunjin would give him a look of annoyance. Changbin’s eyes just widened slightly, giving him a dumb look as he finished his gimbap. He licked his lips, sighing. 

“Sorry, it happens.” 

Felix set down his bags infront of the house. Memories would rush in from a year to well- years ago. He’d remember running around the beaches with Chan, at some point finding himself in the sand. He remembered Chan picking him up one year when they were around middle-school age while they ran into the water. He remembered he held onto his shoulders, looking into his eyes. He could see this happiness Chan had, something that he saw over and over again from that point on.

He realized, one year at the beach. In only one subconscious thought,

“I really like him.”

He’d remember announcing it. Watching Han’s eyes just widen, clearing his throat as he looked to him with a concerned look. 

“No- no, you get away from him now.”

The defeated 13-year-old Felix exhaled in defeat, looking down as he felt guilt. Han’s hand patting his back as he ushered him quietly to put away those feelings. That it was typical of Chan to talk and hug like that. That, that was what friends did. 

But, Han didn’t know what they did to their full extent. 

Felix blinked, about to knock on the door, just to see the door swing open to a smile-y Changbin. His hand floated over where the door war, looking at him again. Changbin looked like he just worked out, as his muscles seemed more prominent than usual. His chest and shoulders marked his tight fitted compression shirts. He looked.. great. 

“Oh!- I was- Felix-? Yeah come in!-..” 

He would laugh nervously, this really stupid, annoying laugh that even Felix sensed was awkward and nervous. His personality almost contrasted the scary body he was presented with. Very.. respectfully? He looked. Unless this was a Felix personal interest thing, men like this always did it for him. Something like that at-least. He tried recalling how Chan looked, attempting to compare him to the guy. 

“I mean-.. of course your Felix we’ve met- so many times just never-.. just come in. Fuck-“ 

One thing for sure is nothing was better than Changbin’s body. I mean- 

Felix couldn’t put his finger on it. He stared at him still, then going to nudge the bags closer. Immediately hearing the guy help him out.

”I can help with your bag? Don’t worry-.”

Why is he being so helpful? Am I that frail to him? He squinted his eyes. Just accepting the help.

Changbin set his bigger, rolling suitcase in the room he’d stay in. With a sigh, Felix would set down the smaller backpack that hung over his shoulders about the same time as well. He’d look to examine Changbin’s arms, his eyes emoting as he did so. He’d bite his lip, unsure.

”So, how’s everything been since last summer? Good? Or bad?”

Felix went to sit on the bed, the mattress was insanely soft. He could feel it through the grey covers that were put over the bed. The spacious bedroom greeted him happily, it was bare but nice. The room was cleaned and done just for him. Felix would pick up his hair, tying it into a small ponytail. He exhaled, looking over to Changbin again. Changbin gave him another smile, imagining tracing his freckles on his face. He’s so.. whatever Changbin liked. 

”I mean, you watched my highschool graduation. That’s about as exciting as it got.” 

Felix shrugged, laying back. Changbin chuckled, shaking his head at him. 

“You haven’t done anything fun?” 

“Changbin, I really don’t like that anymore.” 

Felix frowned at him. He turned to his side, closing his eyes. His eyes reopened, looking around once again.

”It’s not happening again, Felix. You don’t have to be afraid.”

”You don’t get it.” 

Changbin moved a hand on his shoulder, nearing him. A tongue was bit in Changbin’s mouth. His face clearly hesitating to give him reasons why. He sighed, rubbing his arm.

”I clearly get it. But, I believe in things like that, not consuming you.”

He would tap on his shoulder,

”Turn around.” 

Felix groaned, turning back to see him. Flowers only met his eyes, his hand going to touch a petal. A gasp almost left his mouth as he saw them.

”Sunflowers-?..”

”I meant to give you some flowers at your graduation. I thought I was going to be a little too much though.” 

Changbin nudged them towards him, allowing Felix to take them now. He would extend his hands, grasping the flowers. Changbin would watch as he almost rocked the bouquet in the vase now. He felt prideful of himself, once again satisfied he cheered him up again.  

Chapter Text

“Gross, he likes a boy..”

Changbin would overhear from some of the kids while they played in the sand one time. They just survived elementary, now heading into the next level of torment— middle school. Felix was a very.. big-eyed, innocent-looking boy around that time. They never were personal friends but they were always around each other, one way or the other because of Chan. Anytime he looked to Felix, he was looking to Chan. Anytime he’d focus on Felix’s conversation he always managed to stick in a mention of Bangchan. It became very, very apparent that Felix might’ve liked Chan. Hell, only Han could confirm it. Changbin always liked hearing Felix’s babbles and yaps about whatever from the distance. He thought the guy was interesting.

Growing up around a primarily catholic background wasn’t good for Felix’s emotions, or whatever he was trying to say. Even the biggest defender of this behavior would have given up immediately with Felix. It was sure he truly had something for Chan. The little crush that only grew as they grew. 

The whispers that echoed throughout the tourist infested town were souring to hear. 

Felix would watch Changbin wipe down the counters on the kitchen with a lemon-scented Clorox wipe. He grumbled on and on about Han’s incapability of cleaning. Or well, never being able to clean up properly after himself. It was a little funny, hearing the tone in his voice go up and down. He would tuck his hair behind his ears as he went to find a fruit to eat up-top the counter. 

The kitchen was large and spacious. Minimalistic and modern. Felix would sit up on the cleaned area on the counter, watching Changbin suffer still. It wasn’t like the counters were speckled and dark. They were white and marble, cold to sit on. 

“Han will figure it out someday, y’know.” 

Felix would mock, chewing an orange. 

“I don’t know how his roommates feel.”

”probably dead if you think about it. His room probably reeks of weed.” 

“he has to end that someday, I’m getting concerned for his lungs.” 

Changbin would toss away the paper towels he used, sighing. Pain in the absolute ass. 

“You haven’t gotten into any of that.. have you?” 

Changbin looked over to the guy he’d always assume to be a saint, clean and polite. Never the one to hard drink or whatever.

“Not really.”

”that’s not a no?”

”Well. I did go to a party awhile back, after graduation. I was offered alcohol and well, I was thinking of Chan. I was thinking about how wrong I was back then to think about him like that. 

Felix weakly grimaced at him. 

“I wasn’t too bad afterwards. But, Han was even concerned.. making me drink water or whatever.”

Changbin tsked at him, clicking his tongue. He’d move infront of him, shaking his head. 

“Shouldn’t be doing all of that. Especially like this. You shouldn’t be doing that over some guy.” 

“Han forced me here. Just because it’s tradition. But, I guess that tradition includes him going to parties without either of us.” 

Changbin let out a soft laugh, going to get a drink out of the fridge. 

“What do you want?” 

“Something like a coke.” 

Changbin rummaged through the fridge, bottles and bottles of alcohols that teenagers and young adults preferred to drink were stored on the side. Barricading the way to the normal drinks that would t get you texting or calling a parent or ex at 4am.

”I would ask for well.. a drink? But I’m not really on the mood to get scolded by you. Not yet anyways.”

Changbin opened a coke for Felix, sliding it to him. 

“Maybe once you can handle alcohol.” 

Changbin, ironically, opened a beer. He would take a sip infront of him. Sticking his tongue out. 

“Like I can’t, I can take a lot before I’m drunk.” 

“I want to drink by the beach, can we do that?” 

Felix looked at him again, swirling his coke can. Hypnotizing the idiot. 

“Promise me you won’t get drunk then.” 

“Promise.” 

—

Chapter Text

The beach was only a few feet away, it’s been a whole year since he was able to feel the sand under his feet like this. Even if it was a sensory overload because of the heat, the wind and the sand sticking everywhere. The sweat running down your face sometimes-.. eesh. Felix looked to Changbin. He was already settling down into the sand at sunset, in grey sweats and a white tank top. His head already turned to the sunset, admiring it.

“Where’s that alcohol you promised? Hm?” 

Felix sat beside him, holding out his hand. Changbin’s eyes rolled, handing him a cold can of beer for him. Felix cracked open the can, drink from it, already hissing at the taste.

”This stuff sucks.” 

“Like you have taste in alcohol.”

”I do, the beer was more tolerable then. Is this a different brand?” 

Changbin shook his head, still smiling like a idiot.

”You’d know if you drank.” 

“Uh-huh.”

Felix drank again, trying to ignore the aftertaste as her turned to him.

”Maybe it’s not so bad?-“

He’d give a mischievous grin, attempting to mask his pained expression. It’s been a bit since he drank… a lot? Or enough to actually feel it. Now that Changbin was monitoring him. He didn’t want to get wasted in front of him, but he had somewhat of an urge now. The winds cooled down Felix as the alcohol rushed into his body. He felt hot, relying on the wind to keep him from over heating. His eyes focused on the sunset forming in front of him. Felix’s face slowly formed a small smile. Another sip was taken from the can. Felix closed his eyes, letting the alcohol settle in better.

He was numb, his brain was foggy. A name wasn’t forming in his head anymore. His eyes traced over the man beside him as he was… staring at him back. His chest rose up and down.. his cheeks even felt flushed. His legs moved up a bit, scooting towards him on the cool sand. He closed his eyes, smiling to himself. 

“Maybe it isn’t not so bad.”

Changbin kept his arm wrapped around him, mocking what Felix muttered to him.

”You’re such a lightweight, Felix.” 

Someone already given him the address and specifically what everyone was doing at the moment. A lip curled in disgust as he read the words:

- “ Changbin and Felix are out on the Beach right now —kekeke— “ 

Almost feeling nauseous at the thought of Felix. His phone glimmered from the lights.  His eyes shined as he read the text again from Minho.  His lips mouthing the text. Maybe it was a mistake he was given his phone so quickly after getting discharged. Maybe it wasn’t. 

He stood up, looking at himself in the mirror. He looked thinner, and paler from his time served. No one could get it out of him. Why did he do what he did? What made him become so ticked off? 

He only saw red in that moment. He saw nothing. Only the words echoed in his head. 

“What you did.. will get found out.. and what you said about him? Will hurt even worse when he realizes what you are.”

Only thing he clearly remembered was himself, grasping her scalp and the loud THUD! Her face pushed into the marble counter, his hand still feeling the soft hair of the girl. Her hair covered how bad the impact was for a second and then-.. then he saw it. He saw the pool, he saw the blood pool around her. The cool countertop did nothing for her. The contrasting colors did nothing. The pin-dropping silence wasn’t helping either. All eyes were on him, and he could only see the eyes of Felix. For once, he realized how much Felix meant to him.

He remembered how Felix smelled when he hugged him. The vanilla and cinnamon-y scent he would leave on everything. He smelled like a bakery. He smelled calming. He always managed to cheer him up. For once, he would think about him almost the same amount as Felix.would. Or well, as much as people said. Chan sighed, he always sighed. He almsot repeated to himself. It’s just a rumor. He didn’t want to put up with that. 

Not again. 

I mean he finally recovered from.. whatever he felt like in the past. Days and days of rehab built up to him finally getting released almost 350 days later. 350 days later, he’s still thinking of the people that surrounded him a year before. He’s even thinking of Felix more. That’s not normal. He felt lonely for once. 

His nose scrunched though, thinking about how Changbin finally got his chance to talk to Felix more. As he, always wanted. He always assumed that Changbin and Felix were too different. Too much to pair together as friends, and too awkward. 

- Beep beep beep 

He dialed a few numbers, raising the phone up to his ear.

”Am I invited to the beach house?”

He would mutter into the phone. 

An audible smile could be heard through the tone of Minho’s voice.

”Of course.” 

“Of course I’m no lightweight, Changbin.” 

Felix would look red, and a bit warm to the touch as he leaned his head into Changbin’s touch. His arm was supporting him as he seemed tipsy. His eyes fluttered shut for a second as he cleared his throat. Burning from whatever he drank. He would turn to take another can, only meeting hangs with Changbin’s. 

“No more, Felix. You’ll regret it. Really badly.” 

His eyes looked at their hands. Fingers would.. slowly intertwine. Fitting together perfectly as Changbin stopped him from drinking before it was too late. Felix squeezed his hand. His skin was soft, yet he could feel with his thumb, some subtle calluses from his weight lifting he did on the side. The results were very noticeable to Felix. 

“You know I’m into muscular men?” 

Felix would slur, his tone drawn out as he looked up to Changbin’s face. 

“You need water.”

”No- no I’m being quite truthful.” 

A hand was drawn up to his bicep, feel the strong, muscular arm under his touch. As soft as his arm looked from afar, the muscle that laid under his flesh felt almost solid. It still felt good to the less than sober chick feeling his arm like it was a fidget toy for him. Changbin looked confused, but allowed him as he moved his arm closer.

”You’re not going to be happy with this revelation in the morning. Felix.” 

“I’ll be fine. I always wanted to this.” 

Changbin would let out a hearty laugh, his smile showing through as he listened to him.

”Am I your type then?”

”Maybe. Don’t push it.” 

His hands were then removed from his arm, deciding his fun was over before he pushed it as a tipsy individual.

”Maybe?” 

“My dating list is short, but most line-up to the same archetype. It’s close to you.” 

Felix was sigh, pouting as he puffed his cheek out. His head rocking back and forth and he thought again. This time, he just moved Changbin’s head to face him. Only looking at him.

He made his way to the beach house, the lights in the house sparkling still. His car parked outside the garage, the big windows’ lights helping guide him to the front door. The door met him, a hand shakily went to knock. Echoing inside of the beach house, letting it linger before a person went to answer.

”Welcome Back, Chan.” 

Chapter Text

“Felix?” 

Chan called out to the freckled boy in his bedroom. His kicking legs paused, a head poked up from the magazine he was reading on Chan’s bed. They were resting after Felix’s 16th Birthday. 

”Hm?” 

Felix responded, his head tilted to the side to make eye contact with him. 

“What is it?” 

He would utter, watching Chan lean over a bit. His eyes looking through the magazine Felix was looking through. Felix was side-eyeing his profile, looking at his soft, plump lips mouth the words on the magazine. His body stood still, tensing as Chan finally turned to look at him again.

“I know.. you like me.. or so I’m told.” 

Felix’s head would jerk back, in reflex. His hands moved up, waving them as his breathing almost came to a pause. His head bowed now, his eyes avoiding eye contact. His sexuality wasn’t without a doubt, straight. He could feel it. Anytime he even heard someone around Chan mentioning that subject. His eyes would narrow, his mouth would go dry. He’d swallow, laughing and shaking his head. Always pushing away the idea of that. He was.. uncomfortable. 

“No comment.” 

Felix said, hushed. It’s what he would like to hear right? The rumors.. are frustratingly true. But,  it would be worse if Felix confronted them. 


Without a beat missed, Felix felt his face get forcibly moved up. Once again, he met eyes with Chan. Chan was at a distance which wasn’t.. appropriate by any means. His breath hitched as he felt him lean closer.

”Chan-?—“

Intensity heightened as he felt Chan’s hand snake its way on to his shoulder. The silence in the room was deafening as the distance kept slowly closing more and more until their lips just barely brushed each others’. Felix’s quick breathes were felt on Chan’s lips. His pulse quickened even more. Felix’s hand felt Chan’s face. His thumb barely grazing under his lips as he kept the ever-so small distance they had between each other. 

Felix felt his lips press against his. 

His body only melted against his, hesitantly moving a hand to support himself. Lips clashed onto each others. Hungrily lapping at each others embrace. A rich of lust and pure emotions only threaded them together. His eyes stayed shut. 

He felt a hand snake up his shirt, feeling his back as he nudged Felix’s body closer to his own. Both heartbeats in sync, beating together at a fast pace. His tongue licked at Felix’s lips, begging for an entrance. His hands grabbed at his thighs as he pushed him closer. He let him french him, tilting his head more to deepen the kiss even more. 

Only thing you could hear were the gasps taken when they needed to catch their breathes. The noises that Felix would exclaim as Chan felt him, as he moved closer to him. Their bodies pressed together. Felix’s hands groping to find somewhere to hold onto. Nothing mattered at this moment besides Chan. He could taste the fruit they ate. The oranges and the pineapple that still lingered in his saliva.

Chan’s hand gripped the side of his face, looking at him intently after he pulled back again. 

Felix’s lips were plumped and shiny from their exchange. A clear blush shown on his face and noises were heard from how intense their kisses were. He was.. overwhelmed from what it seemed. Chan still felt him, trying to anchor him. His hot breathes still felt on his skin.

”What-.. was that?” 

Changbin remember the first time he met eyes with Felix. The glimmer in his eyes. The shine that was shown. The way he could see his smile just through his eyes. He could even see it now, with him tipsy and red. Felix was very pretty to look at. In an almost envious way. Changbin sometime wished he was view as beautiful. He’s never been perceived as that. He’s never had the first move made on him. He always watched how Felix was able to lure people in. He was able to captivate them with just his face. 

Changbin swallowed, meeting eyes with him. Unable to move away nor speak at this moment. Felix supported himself by moving his arms up to his shoulders. 

Taking a breathe, Changbin nudged him back gently. 

“Maybe you should drink some water. Felix. You’re not thinking straight.” 

“Well, I’m not exactly straight. Are you?” 

“Neither.” 

He would clear his throat, shaking his head. Felix’s drunk, what does it matter. Changbin’s never came out to anyone. In fear that Chan may figure out. He wasn’t here though, so maybe it was a time for a change soon. 

“You can’t say that to anyone though.” 

Changbin simply looked down, feeling regret. He would take another, long, drawn-out sip from his third beer of tonight. He proudly declared himself not a light weight. Only feeling a slight tipsy-ness. College helped draw out that tolerance too. 

“Why not? It’s not like anyone cares.” 

Felix innocently chimed in once again, with his signature smile just plastered on himself still. Changbin simply stared back, lips drawn to a neutral expression. Unable to form a  proper sentence with the reasoning. 

“Chan isn’t what you.. think.” 

“Felix. He doesn’t like those-.. ideas of being with a man…”

”Like you… or me.” 

“I wanted to understand how you felt.” 

Chan mumbled to him, petting the side of Felix’s face. His eyes big and wondrous as he stared into Chan’s eyes. He would lean into his touch. 

“It’s an innocent crush. Chan.” 

“That mouth wasn’t so innocent when it was kissing me like that, hm?” 

He cupped his face, leaning in again to tease him. The blonde strands met his eyes again, getting brushed away by Chan’s big hand. 

“I was told.. you’re not into guys.” 

“If it’s you. I’m not opposed.”

”Really?”

The air shifted again. A flutter of hope after pining for so long may change. A fantasy slowly turning true was insane. He could still feel a tight grasp on one of his legs. Felix allowing himself once again to move closer towards him. His head leaned in more, breathing once again felt against Chan’s lips.

”You’re a liar, Chan.” 


“What do you mean, I’m a liar?” 

He pressed his lips against his cheek, looking at him again. 

“You’re a fucking liar, Chan.” 


Felix clears his throat, jaw tightened and his skin red to the touch. He felt warm and taken-aback at Chan’s gestures. 

“There’s nothing wrong with this.” 

Chan whispered to him, rocking himself gently. He sat upright better. 

“You’re getting what you want.”

Chapter Text

Chan stood before the beach, just before the sun fully set. Silhouettes dance in the remaining sun, he could tell Changbin’s large figure from Felix’s thin-ish figure. Changbin in one movement, scooped up Felix’s body. He would walk closer, a tinge of almost jealous pricked inside of him or maybe even disgust. He snarled, teeth gritted. Almost animalistic as he looked nauseous at the thought of those two. 

…

Felix looked thoroughly drunk. So did Changbin, but just a bit tipsy compared to Felix. Felix clung onto him, moving his arms around his neck. 

“Don’t-… drop me.”

”You can barely walk, let me help.” 

Changbin would give a small smile, taking a turn to get to the house.

A feminine figure was leaning back on the counter, and her eyes were narrowed. She glared at the man before her, his hands propped on either sides of her. 

“Mad I caught you sucking my brother’s mouth off?” 

Felix’s sister scoffed, keeping the phone safely hidden in her sports bra. Her body stayed even more leaned back. She felt him grab at her wrists, his purity ring digging into her skin. His stare could only be described as him seeing red. 

“You’re such a saint aren’t you? Mouthing off my brother for liking men and here you are attracted to the idea he likes you? You’ve said so many things.” 

“You have no right looking into the room like that. Where’s that phone.”

He gripped her wrist further, surely bruising her skin as the ring just dug further. The other hand feeling around for the phone that had evidence on it. 

“Where is it?”

”I’m not going to tell you.” 

She spat back, pushing him to get away.

”Get away from my brother.” 

“What’s so wrong about me making out with him? Are you scared I’ll do something to him? Since he’s just such a weak little gay prick?” 

He shoved her, knocking the breath out of Felix’s sister. Her body froze, feeling his hand search for this phone. He caught a bump around her bra area. 

“You hid it there? Damn you think I just won’t knock you out to take it out of there? You think YOU’RE getting AWAY WITH THIS?” 

He sneered, the counter cutting into the her back. Bruising her even more as he went to slap her. His hand ready to slap. Her demeanor becoming more frightened. She could feel his strength, even as little as it was now. She could feel him push her further. The remnants of the birthday decorations were felt under her. Stunned, unable to speak. 

SLAP!

She fell down, covering her face. Bangchan grabbed her by the shirt.

”Take it out of your bra or I’ll get it myself.”

She swallowed, flinching. Her eyes shut as she went back to her senses. He kicked her,

”Make your decision quick.” 

She looked up at him, going to grab at his wrists back. His fingernails dug into his skin back, using all her might to draw blood to keep herself back.

”Look at yourself, you’re fucking pathetic.”

She chuckled, looking up at him. Her now-bruised body attempting to get up. His frustration grew. Looking at her cocky attitude, he took his foot and drove it into her stomach. Continuously pounding her into the ground, watching her struggling until she pulled out her phone.

”If you don’t give me that phone. I’ll loose my scholarship for that private Christian university. Felix knows that, mhm? If this doesn’t phase you enough. I’ll get to him next. I’ll stomp out that little bitch until he can’t even think about men.” 

He purred, kneeling down to move her face towards his.

”I just wanted to kiss someone, hm? Such a problem?”

Changbin was smiling to himself, stupidly. Carrying the blond-headed boy back to the beach house which was a quick few feet back home. He kept hearing Felix’s delirious laughs as he treaded closer to the house. He went to set him down after he felt a few taps on his shoulder. Felix was politely asking to be set down now. Pleased he has himself a bit of a muscular servant to take him places. 

“Changbin.”


He would go to look around, meeting eyes with a person he’d thought he wouldn’t see for awhile.

”Chan?” 

His smile was fade. Only moving Felix behind his back. 

Chan was looming in the distance this entire time. Which pissed off Changbin quite a bit. He bit his tongue though, as he knew he was one of Chan’s closer friends. Even if he’s heard so many things come out his mouth that demeaned him, demeaned his identity. He only accepted that he’d never be able to be true to himself around him nor his family. 

“You know he’s like.. gay right? Like he’ll jump on you any moment you show him kindness right?” 

Chan could smell that he was drunk. 

I wish it was that easy. 

Changbin thought to himself. He kept his composure.

”He’s my friend now. Hm? Is it so bad I’m help him while he’s drunk?” 

Felix’s head bobbed for a second, putting his arm carefully around Changbin again. He gripped his shoulder, his head leaning in.

”Can we go inside?—..”

His heart dropped as he turned to see Chan. His hand tapping on his shoulder faster.

”Can- can we really go inside please? I don’t -..” 

He tried moving inside, stumbling. He panicked, rubbing his face. His breathes hard as he gripped Changbin’s shoulder. Chan’s expressions change as he saw Felix showing fear. He didn’t like that he was afraid. If he was afraid.. it would be harder to toy with him. He fidgeted with the purity ring. 

“We’re going inside Chan. He’s drunk, he doesn’t need this right now.” 

“Oh, are you turning into a freak too?”

”Chan, shut up. Who cares if he’s kissing boys? Are you mad he’s not kissing you?” 

Not like it hasn’t happened before. 

Felix kept his head down. Only reliving that one memory from just a year ago, watching Chan inflict so much pain onto someone. 

Felix’s family and Chan’s family were happily eating out today as a well-known five star restaurant that had everyone silent as they dug into each of their plates. Eyes kept meeting each other, specifically Felix’s sister’s eyes and Chan’s eyes. Shaped up to be a telepathic fight, the two would keep exchanging these glances. Until, she stood up.

“I’m going to the bathroom real quick.”

Chan won the staring game. Making himself grin. Watching her exit just made him jump. Pleasure oozed in his body from just being in control. He restrained his emotive face though, before anyone thought anything wrong of him. He looked to Felix to give him a small smile. He could only form a blush on his face, his head only ran through the incident that happened awhile back. Very memorial for his birthday. Thanks, Chan. Now he’s going to be a mess for half of the year. 

He watched her come back, Felix’s sister come back. She came back to the well-lit table for both families. The modern-esc restaurant had a cozy feel to it, and just a right cuisine. As Chan started chowing down on his steak, glaring at Felix’s sister as he did. Making a show of the blood that oozed from the medium-rare steak that laid infront of him. A knife twisting inside it. His eyes only communicated:

This could be you if you don’t delete that footage.

She really, really struggled to hold it. He was bad, not just the bad she used to know. A bad that struck fear into her eyes, a fear that convinced her to bandage those wounds she was dealt from her family. A fear that dared not expose him. She doesn’t want to meddle too much. Besides get that footage. She pulled up her phone, with her two friends that laid out some cons for this plan. 

“It could hurt Felix though, since he’s closeted to most of his friends that are on that.. side.”

”But, it would make Chan sound like a hypocrite. Right? He would end up being stuck here, if he doesn’t go to this college right?” 

They had a damn good point, outing her little brother would not help any thing. Outing him had little pros too. She pulled up her texts with Chan. Sending a small text to him. 

“I’ll delete it, on the condition you tell him you don’t feel the same way and you want something serious in college.” 

The evil man looked to his texts, looking to her. She gave a nod, and he exchanged one back. 

“Deal. Show me you deleting it.” 

She would hold up the phone, waving it. Demonstrating how she deleted it.

”Good.” 

He mouthed, 

“You’re smart aren’t you?” 

Chapter Text

Changbin loosened his grip on Felix, finally. He set him down on the bed. 

“Do you want more water?” 

Changbin cocked his head to the side, cupping the guy’s face with one hand so he’d focus on him. The shared looks of concerned flooded them both with only questions. Even Changbin, seemed afraid, or rather nervous for what was to come. Who even invited him back? He thought, only thing he needed was Chan to explain and just leave. 

“Is he really back? After all that?…” 

Felix’s voice slurred, trailing as he looked into Changbin’s eyes. 

“We can talk about that when you’re sober. You don’t need to worry about him.” 

“But I need to know- I really-..” 

“Do you still like him?” 

Felix’s drunken self, went to lay down. His lips drawn to a line as he cleared his throat. 

“I thought we.. had something.” 

“You.. and him?” 

“He reciprocated those feelings back on my 16th Birthday. I think you might’ve been there because of Han or Chan… afterwards we were..”

He paused, realizing he said that aloud to him.

“You.. what?” 

“Maybe I thought I could feel something for you, or even understand why you have such feelings?” 


Silence just dawned on the two, Felix felt numb. He stared at him with these eyes, eyes that he’s never looked at him with before. He still remembered everything, he remembered how Chan felt him, and kissed him. It felt earnest and real, even if it was for a second. He even felt convinced. He threw out so many chances, so many just for him. He begged to just feel a tug of moving on at this moment.

”This was nothing, okay?” 

Chan looked at him, with this smug smile that made Felix want to bash his head into a counter. He felt angry for once in his life. The way he led him on, for so long made him even madder.

Many nights during the summers leading up to Chan’s graduation and his rejection. They would meet in one of the others rooms in the beach house. He broke his part of the deal with Felix’s sister for the months leading up to his departure. As much as Chan would yap to his friends about how weird Felix was for clinging onto him like he was some boyfriend. He was always the one kissing his lips first. Kissing him softly until it turned into longer, and deeper kisses. Until they were trading saliva at midnight almost anytime they had a moment. 

And every day? 

“God, he’s such a freak.” 

Chan laughed, hypocritically cackling at his text messages and showing them to his other friends. Only making Felix the laughing stock of his friends. While Changbin, stood on the sidelines, waiting for day he could finally befriend Felix. He hated how he spoke, because it only reminded him of himself.

”He can act and act like he likes girls too but dude? He’s just rubbing himself on me and hell at-least I know I’m appealing to men then.” 

Changbin gritted his teeth, tightening jaw. Ever so slightly infront of him, learning to take the insults with ease. 

Changbin’s glasses slide down the bridge of his nose, immediately pushing them up as he went to sit by him.

“You and him?..” 

Changbin’s inner thoughts were telling him to make him quit, that this wasn’t right of him to do while he was drunk. He shouldn’t take this information while he was drunk. This should’ve been somewhere else, some other time. But, he pushed, because he wanted to know. He really wanted to know if he had a chance now after all that. Even as he was a bit tipsy, he knew he would remember this and only grow more furious at the idea that Chan, the guy that made him feel difficult about his sexuality, was feeling up with the guy that made him realize he liked guys. 

“Leave him alone, you sound like your obsessed with him at this point.”

Changbin would mumble to him, only met with a punch to the shoulder which made him stumble back, surprised.

”You know it’s wrong right? It’s wrong to indulge in that fully.” 

Chan leaned down slightly to glare at him. Changbin swallowed, his glasses sliding down his nose. He backed away, shrugging it off as if nothing happened. Little 16 year old him begged for him to quit. For him and Felix to stop getting messed him.

“You-.. should.. sleep.” 

He decided on that. 

“We can talk about this when you’re sober. When you’re truly ready to say this to me.” 

“I do.. trust you with this. I know we’ve never been so close. But, I feel comfortable around you, Binnie.” 

Felix’s eyes closed, stroking Changbin’s hand. He traced the veins that were ever-so prominent on his hands. He felt regretful, allowing him to talk like ever so drunkly. Only things he never wanted to know flooded out his mouth. 

Oh God. 

He only melted at his touch. Felix was too tipsy to even notice how this guy he remarked that he was threatening and so.. huge? Whatever the right word was. He only softened at his touch.

”I’ll leave you to it.” 

Changbin cleared his throat again, a bit dry. 

“Can you stay?” 

Felix looked at him again, watching Changbin hesitate. 

“Why-.. why?” 

“Because you make me feel safe. Like you did last year, when all that happened.” 

Changbin took a seat, letting himself situate to the situation. He then remembered to get and lock the door. He sighed, going to sit on the floor, leaning back on the bed.

”You know you can share the bed with me. I don’t mind.”

”You’ll mind in the morning, let me sit down here. I don’t want to bother you.” 

“It’s not like we like each other or something.”

Felix groaned, turning to his side. 

“What if I told you I liked you though?”

-

Silence just built in the room. Changbin covered his mouth, regretfully. His eyes turned to the wall infront of him. Just staring at it as he listened to the silence he just sent Felix into. He could tell he was awake still though. Even if he was this quiet. 

He felt a hand set on his hair. Grabbing his attention, he would look over to him again.

”Maybe I wouldn’t care either. It’d be better than pining over that fucking jerk.” 

“How is it better? It’s—..”

”Maybe your feelings are true.” 

Changbin felt his heart swell, holding a hand over his chest. A blush crossed his face, and maybe even a smile cracked across his lips. He moved another hand up to feel Felix’s hand. His heart pricked though, realizing he wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow. 

And maybe the fact he wouldn’t ever get over Chan. 

That bastard.

Chapter Text

He believed he was better off dead then anyone figuring out he was probably gay or in the least bit bisexual. Chan found his journal, and he was standing in the aftermath of him reading everything. 

“What is this?” 

He laughed, with a twisted smirk plastered on his face. Ticking at Changbin’s nerves, he went to retrieve the journal. He yanked it back. Staring at him with a look of dismay. Only feeling a sense a panic, his sense of security was gone.  He tucked the journal away. 

“Who’s the guy you’re writing about so lovingly?” 

Changbin kept the journal closed, hesitating to speak. His shook his head, setting it down. 

“No one. Get out of my room.”

”who is it?”

”Chan I swear to fucking god. Get out my room and never mention this to anyone.” 

Changbin’s voice trembled, trying to control his emotions in front him. 

“Is it who I think it is?” 

Chan walked closer to him. 

“You know, you could never have him. He loves me.” 

Changbin’s jaw dropped, raising a hand. 

“I never said-.. I literally never-“

“I’ve seen it in your eyes. Changbin. Maybe you should give up, he barely sees you and your scrawny ass self. God.” 

The fear he felt as a 16 year old. The amount of bidding he’s done for Chan ever since. The amount of things he wasn’t able to say, and the countless amount of opportunities he had to actually introduce himself properly to Felix. To ease his mind, he would slowly start going to the gym to convince himself to give up finally. It wasn’t like he even knew him, he just barely saw him anyways.

It wasn’t like Felix was clinging onto Chan’s side all the time either, right?

Changbin woke up on the floor, sore from falling asleep here on the bare cold flooring of the house. His eyes opened to only meet another pair of eyes. 

He moved down on the floor for me?

Changbin moved his head back carefully, looking at the sleeping figure nestled inside a blanket.. a blanket he put over on top of both of them. 

He’s drunk, it doesn’t mean anything. 

He’s also too kind. 

He let out a long sigh. He sat upright, noticing he had a hand on him.

Sleep hugger?

He took off the hand, stretching out his body before getting up. Unsure what to do with Felix. He might mind if he just picked him up out of the blue during his sleep. But, thinking about how hungover he might be. It might feel better? Laying on a mattress rather than the harsh floors. 

Changbin would scoop him up in one go.

He laid him down on the bed, knowing this summer was going to be hectic. 

 …

Days and days passed, and it seemed Chan didn’t return back to the beach house. He only saw him that one time. That one time. Chan was bound to tear right back into them. Until something more happened. 

Changbin was getting changed. Looking at himself for a moment in the mirror, as he remembered Felix’s drunken words. Just smiling to himself. 

An aroma hit Changbin’s nose, oh it was the sweetest and richest scent he smelled. Brownies. His mouth watered on point. Already excited at the ideas of brownies. He quickly put on presentable-ish clothing, a tight fitted tank-top and a pair of grey sweats. ( like the whore he was ) He rushed over to the staircase, running down to see who was baking.

Han walked into the living room, about the same time Changbin was shuffling down the  stairs. Both exchanged a long glance, Han clearing his throat.

“Are you cooking those? I’m gonna actually cry if those are laced.” 

Almost every summer since Han hit 15, he’s been taking edibles concerning-ly too much. Changbin sometimes finds his “candies” laying around the kitchen and almost every time accidentally takes a few. Changbin’s now forced him to label his stuff finally. Not too fond of the idea of getting high mistakingly.

Han gave a smirk, about to make Changbin shed a tear.

“Are you not familiar with Felix’s baking? I’m surprised you aren’t since you two been like.. weirdly close. “ 

Changbin went red.

”Uh- no we haven’t- just getting to know each other?” 

He let out a dry laugh, turning away as he fidgeting with his glasses. Cleaning them. 

“..Okay?”

Han gave him a weird look, crossing his arms with his smile just getting wider.

”Better than Bangchan by any means. Go check on him, he’s probably just washing his hands now.” 

Did he just- never mind. 

Changbin gave him a small smile, adjusting his tank top as he shuffled into the kitchen. 

“Felix? Did you make brownies? They smell so good.” 

Felix was just about to pull out the tray of brownies. He turned to meet eyes with Changbin and oh.. 

God send me down there, I only deserve it from looking at Changbin this crudely. I’m just a man. 

Felix eyed him up and down, already physically attracted to the idea of him. His eyes kept getting drawn to his arms and his chest. It was like his eyeballs were magnetized to his chest area though, as much as he attempted to force his head up felt like he was just getting magnetized to that area. Ugh.

”What are you looking at?”

Changbin said with a soft, and deep voice. Just adding to that attraction Felix felt. 

Good God, “Nothing!-“

He went to pull the tray out, only realizing he didn’t have a mitten on. His hand almost sizzled from the impact. 

“OUCH!-“

”Felix!”

Felix shook his hand out. His face red from embarrassment as he stepped back from the oven. Changbin saw his face, trying not to laugh as he went to grab the oven mitt to take it out for him. He set it down on the table to cool. 

“Here, don’t hurt yourself looking at me.”

He jokingly said, 

“You see me all the time.”

Felix ran his hand under the water, 

“Not like that.”

He smoothly mumbled, 

“Pardon?” 

Changbin walked closer to him, taking a small cloth and wetting it under the sink. Felix watched his body near his like this. His hand was escorted away by Changbin’s hand. Changbin took his hand, setting the cloth on top the burning skin.  

“Can you.. repeat that?” 

He leaned his face in a bit. With a man like this just dangled infront of him, it was quite tempting to feed into the concept of him. Oh he dearly wished to be held by a man like him. The way that Changbin treated him sometimes too made him melt, especially those flowers he was given to him the first day he met him. A-lot of things made him acknowledge Changbin with a hint of interest. 

“You’re so fucking hot wearing shit like this.” 

He leaned back on the counter, his hands supporting his weight.

”Am I?” 

Changbin leaned in further, their noses touching as Felix hesitated to pull away. 

“Look at yourself. I don’t need to convince you.” 

Changbin’s hands grazed his body cautiously, tracing his waists before just simply setting them on either sides of him to drive him even madder.

”What’s so appealing about me you fried your hand for a look?” 

“Everything.”

Felix played with him right back. He could feel Changbin’s warm breathes on his lips. He looked him in the eyes. He waited for him to pull away, and Changbin waited for him to do the same. Changbin only cupped his face, feeling his lip with a thumb.

”Mhm. When did you get so brave? Did Han offer you something?”

Felix snaked his arms around his neck, looking him in the eyes.

”Just looking for a change, Binnie.” 

Changbin blushed at his nickname for him, jerking his head down. Felix smiling because he won their little mental competition.

But just before he could celebrate that win,


He saw Changbin’s face look up to him again, leaning in fully.

Lips kissed the corner of his mouth, cupping his face with one hand still.

Warm and pure, just about everything he wished for in a guy. He only had the softest and most gentle lips while kissing. His hand moved up to grab his wrist back. Tempted to turn to kiss him fully at this moment. Changbin pulled away, intertwining his hand with his. 

“Got you.” 

And maybe he did have a crush on Changbin. 

Chapter Text

Changbin finally spoke to another person besides Felix for once. There was a tinge of nerve between either because Changbin could sense something was up.

”Minho.” 

“What is it.” 

Changbin coldly spoke, looking at his anxious eyes dart from place to place inside of the house. 

There was about 8 of them that inhabited this house during the summer. Minus the parents that soon were removed from the picture after they became old enough to become trusted. Also, some of the work schedules of many parents would just not quite line up. The eight slowly went to vacation in the house too due to work and schedules.

Changbin’s family inherited the house after Bangchan’s family couldn’t keep up with the house, especially after Chan’s incident that caused a lot of backlash. 

There was also quite a divide though between the eight kids that resided in the house though. They were always split into smaller groups. Bangchan always meddling with who interacts with who more. Specifically Felix, as he was most annoyed when others (Changbin) tried talking to him. 

He wanted all eyes on him, and all the love on himself. 

“Nothing.” 

Changbin darted his eyes back to him, waiting for a proper response. 

“Chan’s back. I don’t know who told him who was here right now.” 

“..not like you had anything to do with it?” 

Changbin took a bite out of one of the remaining brownies he hid for himself in the kitchen. It was a fight for life just to get one. Very good brownies. 

“Definitely not, I just got here.” 

Minho cleared his throat.

”I still wonder what ticked him off like that though.” 

Minho clicked his tongue. 

“No one around him was able to catch a glimpse because they were either wasted or just not focused enough on the two. Hell some people thought they were together. Because of how touchy they were that night.” 

Felix had a nightmarish image building in his head the night of this party.

Music was blaring, bass was buzzing through the floors. Drinks clashed as he passed around the areas of the house. The lights were dimly lit and most of the crowds were around the kitchen where many played their drinking games. 

He went to a guest room to take a breath. His eyes shut for a second. 

Shuffle, Shuffle.

Eyes immediately opened, his body turning. Immediately seeing two people.

“Bangchan.. and… my sister’s friend?”

Felix’s heart dropped, lips were clashing into each others. Chan was gripping onto her ass like there was no tomorrow. Clearly taking in every single curve he could feel.  

He tripped over a tall lamp, making either yank back.

Chan’s eyes darted everywhere, landing onto the boy’s angered expression. His teeth digging into his bottom lip. His hand even curled into a fist. 

“Really? Shouldn’t have even kissed back then, huh?”

He glared at Chan. Unable to shut up. 

The girl just had her eyes grow wide, turning to see him.

“So Felix’s sister, was right?” 

“What do you mean.. she was right?”

a long pause went throughout the room, either boys’ eyes meeting the others as they shared a small look. Felix’s stern and Chan’s a bit more apologetic, that fake bitch. 

“It’s nothing.” 

She said, 

“I’ll leave now.” 

She wiped her mouth, walking downstairs. A clear handprint still burned into her thigh. A reminder what he’ll never receive from him. 

“Are you jealous?”

”hm? No.” 

Felix hummed, looking at him still. 

“Are you and my sister involved too?” 

He gave a small smile. 

“Definitely not.” 

He replied. 

“She used to have something incriminating on her phone about us though. She caught us making out that one time. You insisted on that one right.”

“You mean when you begged me?”

Felix cut him off, keeping deadpanned eyes on him.

“Who’s going to believe you.”

Chan mumbled softly.

“Who’s going to believe the gay looking guy.”

“Me? Definitely not.” 

Felix just gave a simple nod. 

“I’m just trying to protect you. I don’t fucking love you at all like that but you know that right?” 

Felix just stared at him, idly. Unable to even form any words directed towards him. 

“Maybe stop acting gay then for my attention.” 

He walked out. 

…

Something was off, something was clearly off in this crowd after the girl he made out with went to the kitchen again. He could feel tinges of anxiety pull him around. He panicked, only seeing a phone screen propped up with the most graphic footage of him and Felix making out possible. 

“Oh my god Felix how can you-..” 

Chan said in between kisses in the footage, it was very clearly him.

Whispered breathes were heard on the footage. A few girls giggling around her, a guy or two absolutely gobsmacked at it.

Without thinking, he rushed up. He wrapped his hand around his head and just… 

CRASH!!!

“I think the rumor about Chan liking Felix back was a lie, like it is because he looks like a girl? Definitely not his type though, that scholarship would immediatly gotten revoked if it was true.”

“Minho, you know some people just lie. Right?” 

“Changbin, stop defending Felix. He was like borderline harassing Chan.” 

“Chan was the one going that. Stop making things up.” 

…

Minho looked at him profoundly, quite confused at his very very serious defenses around Felix. His arms were crossed, his eyes narrowed. He seemed.. mad? 

“Don’t tell me.”

”Tell you what?”

“I’ve never put this together but-.. you-“


“I-.. what?” 


He neared him, stern.


“Are you interested in him? Like same-sex?..”


“Oh my god stop jumping to conclusions. It’s so aggravating. Chan was awful to him.” 

Changbin cleared his throat, going to get a drink from the fridge.’

“Changbin, don’t fucking lie to me. I see it in your eyes.” 


“I’ve always fucking seen it in how you look at him. How you flinched everything you saw him or he was mentioned. Whenever he was in the room, even when you didnt know him as much. You always had this look.” 

Minho gagged, 

“I don’t understand it. I’ve always.. seen it as insanity. But, the more I see you two.”

 

“I question my beliefs, and even… Chan’s beliefs.” 

“Are you trying to trap me? I’m not responding.”

”You think he didn’t tell me? You think that prick never mentioned how he found how you felt? You’re such a little fucking sap with all that.” 

Changbin just stared at him. Minho’s eye panned to Changbin’s fists, gripping and almost shaking? Changbin couldn’t feel anything. How did Felix get through this? How did he fend for himself? Was he just oblivious? Unable to care? Did Felix pick up he was at the least bit leaning into his interest of guys? It was frustrating, seemed like everyone but the right people knew he was what he was. 

…

“We all knew you like him.” 

Chapter Text

Dating’s always seemed fun.

Reading and watching media just revolving around the idea of being in a relationship. Just seemed beautiful to Changbin. He dreamed of a day he could safely love another. Whether it’d be passing to his parents, or not. He wanted something. 

In his case, his house wasn’t a home. 

It felt like he had no break anywhere. 

Whether it was something small, that was backhanded.

Or something so grueling he even looked visibly uncomfortable. 

“Why do you look like that?”

“We’re saying what’s right.”

But it wasn’t right, it wasn’t what he realized. It wasn’t the way he saw it now. 

He could picture his future, leaving this area and setting out to go to the city. He could pursue his dreams as a producer or even well, a tattoo artist? Something like that. Just somewhere, where he could feel accepted. 

But, oh.. The salty winds and the crispy sandy paths. The oceans that were ever so wonderful to dive into. The way that the sun tanned Felix and hit him in the right spots. There was just something about this place. 


He walked further out, picturing how Felix would run around the sand, laughing. His smiles so infectious. 


The sun was setting today, and it seemed like everyone went out again. Changbin still wasn’t in the mood to actually party. Or to do anything else besides his normal routine. 

Wake up. Talk to Felix. Work. Talk to Felix. Go to the Beach. Do something else. 

Always an addicting loop. Always something. 

The more he spoke with him, the more he confirmed his feelings were true. Not from just a point of intrigue. Only thing that didn’t motivate him to try was Chan, and their families.

He just got off his shift as a lifeguard at a further away beach. Only wearing his lifeguard uniform’s shorts and nothing else. He exhaled, plunging into the water. 


He felt delight, swimming. He kept swimming. Only enjoying the comfortable of being in the water and the temperature just being ever so perfect during sunset. He stopped, looking out to the sunset. His hair just pressed against his face, before he fixed it. Shaking it out a bit until his curls reformed in his hair.

He was breathtaking,

as much as he denied it. 

His soaked body glistened in the dying sun, reflecting his strong torso. The curve of his pecs, and his soft core that had ab definition. 

Maybe he needed something new besides that cycle. He turned to get his phone. 

Only meeting eyes with Felix again. 

A red just trailed across Changbin’s face. It was probably his first time exposing his torso around him. He always wore some long sleeved over due to sun. 

He probably looked redder than the red of his swim trunks right now.

Felix was standing out at the sand, only staring at him. Almost jaw-dropped at him. 

“You look weird, stop doing that.”

Changbin mumbled, moving out of the water to gather his things. 

“I was just looking for you!- Didn’t know-“ 

Changbin stood infront of him, allowing the idiot to take him a bit more. He honestly only pondered the idea of feeling his arm or even just biting his shoulder. (Shark?…) He licked his lips, mindlessly. Still eyeing him up and down nonchalantly. 

“Stop looking at me like I’m some piece of steak.” 

“You should go shirtless more often.” 

Felix would raise a hand up, hesitating. 

Changbin sighed, grasping his wrist and moving his it his arm. Allowing him to feel.

Felix’s hand travelled up and down his arm, allowing himself to feel every single muscle. Every defining area of the arm. 

“I don’t like getting sunburnt.” 

“Well, wear sunscreen or something.” 

Felix smiled at him, 

“You look great?-“ 

Changbin gave him another smile, shaking his head. 

“Don’t give me this false hope.” 

He neared his head towards his.

“It’s not false hope. It’s nothing like that.” 

Felix set his hands on his shoulders.

“Bin?”

“Felix.” 

Changbin bowed his head down, 

“I wish Chan never existed.” 

Changbin’s eyes only burned through his head, unable to interpret what he meant.

Felix’s words didn’t come out. 

Unable to speak, neither form any words. 

He’d only pull him in, wrapping his arms around him tightly. 

Changbin’s heart pounded. Shutting his eyes, and wrapping his arms around him. 

He couldn’t give him up.

Chapter Text

The party reeked. 

The party he showed up late to because of lifeguarding. 

He fixed the tank too he wore with simple black cargo pants. 

The scent of weed carried the air ever so slightly, alongside alcohol reeking becuase of how many people spilled their alcohol walking around. Drunk people. Annoying. 

He looked around, waving at some common faces. Only noticing the glances he’d get from a few girls. He would give a soft smile, a small head nod to acknowledge them. A bit flattered he’d even witness himself pulling looks.


What type of alcohol did they get into this time? 

Changbin would ponder, judging ever so slightly. He walked past a few other groups dwindling inside the living room in corners. He made his way to the halls, almost gagging at the sight of some guy holding his mouth before throwing up into a trash can. His mouth almost salivated as well from the nasty sight. He continued to watch, adjusting his glasses 

“Hey Changbin!- let me introduce to you some potential-..” 

One of his other friends stumbled in, going by the name Wooyoung. He gave a sincere smile, moving an arm around him.

“I’m good.” 

“You’re usually interested?” 

He didn’t want to lie anymore.

“I’m usually just nice..”

Changbin looked at the passing friend. 

“I’m already interested in somebody else. I-.. yeah.” 

“Who is she?”

Changbin just looked at Wooyoung about to utter out the words. Wooyoung simply looked away, biting his lip. 



“Your other friends are over here.”

Wooyoung said, in a hum, and a bit of a grimace in his tone. Changbin just gave him a shrug.

”Where?” 


“Halls.” 

…

He wasn’t sure how to feel about anything. He wasn’t feeling like he was thinking straight. He wasn’t properly processing things. I mean, he hasn’t for awhile ever since Chan fucked him over for years. 


Chan was an experience. 

One that he could neither interpret as good or bad. 

He just couldn’t think. 

He just never thought, that mess-

That flood of emotions he felt for some guy..

Could switch so easily for someone he properly met only last summer. 




With another clink!  of the glass, he could smell the bourbon sitting in the bottle still. His eyes set on the glass. He liked the idea of taking a long swig of the bourbon. He liked the thought of the liquid going down his throat. He wanted to numb his fucking mind.


But, he kept thinking of what Changbin said during the beginning of his stay.  He kept wanting to live up to things he’s said.  So— so many things he’s said.


What was so attractive? If anything? 



A clear thought appeared in his head, muscles… muscles were what he had. But, that’s a little too perverted for his taste. He had a lot of personality on him, clearly. He’s sweet and he’s charming and caring. Clear reasons, clear reasons that didn’t linger on the outside.



He could enjoy the idea of him.


He really could. 

When he was in love with Chan. It was like the world was ending every day for him. Childhood friends, ever since he was a child he crushed ever so hard on him. He liked the way he’d hold hugs, and gave hugs. He liked his attention and those smiles.


But, was it something? Was it ever truly something.


Digging into his head, he was trying to understand.

Prying more into his brain, he needed to know why.



Clawing into it, what was so special about him?



Everything was so repetitive.



…

”I’m gay.”


He’d remember, shouting almost to his parents. Clear and toned was his voice. He looked at them with a fearful look, clenching his fits.



”Are you sure?..”

”I couldn’t feel it, for her, for any girl you tried to set me up with. I know I like men.” 



Giving a long thought, his parents just gave a nod. Only one head shake. 



“Don’t tell anyone.”



”You’re not safe. Not even with Chan.” 



…

He was mixing a cherry coke and vodka together. Felix swirled the drink in his red cup. He would give a pained smile.


What if it was the same? What if he’s lying to me?


The thought set in his head, he closed his eyes. He held the drink up to his lips, the vodka blended almost perfectly with the coke. Achieving a carbonated, bitter yet sweet taste. The liquid ran down his throat, feeling that burnt feeling in his throat as he finished the drink. His lightweighted-body wasn’t happy with this revelation. His brain continued to urge him to mix some more. He held back, attempting to stay at least a bit sober.


He wanted to talk to Changbin.


Where was he?


He stood up from his almost hiding spot in the kitchen, going into the hall.

No one was there now. 


He opened a room.


No one.


He opened another.


No one.


I don’t think he’s here now.


He thought, looking around to check again. Changbin said he was going to come later, after work. Maybe he didn’t get around to it after the long shift? He sighed, aimlessly walking around with a half filled cup. He kept his head turned, scanning the rooms still in the comfortable home that was littered with college students red cups and other amenities necessary to continue the party going. He caught a whiff of weed. Immediately gagged, and bumping into..


Changbin.


”Changbin? I was like-.. looking for you?” 


Changbin looked at him. Felix giving him a smile. 


“Can we talk for a second? We can just..”


”Sure-.. sure. Why not.” 


Anxiety filled Changbin’s chest, a grieved sigh escaped his lips. He went to open a room, looking around inside the bedroom. 


“No one’s in here. Let’s get this over with.”



He reallly felt, something was off. Felix might want to move away from him. A bit uncomfortable. He didn’t like it.


“Are you straight?” 


Felix blurted out, burning the thoughts in his head to just ashes.


”….”


Changbin wasn’t sure how to start, his mouth hesitated.


”No. not at all.” 


“Why?” 


Both looked at each other for a second, Changbin eyes then looked down to see his cup.


”Are you drunk?”


”Only one drink. I’m fine.” 


“Why?” 


Changbin moved closer to him.


Just that move made Felix tense up, his shoulder’s raise.


”I’m not gonna bite, what’s wrong?” 


“I’m scared.”


”Of what?” 


“Us.” 


“What are we?”


”A lot.” 


Felix leaned in slightly, eyes twinkling as Changbin questionable-y looking at him.


”How?”


”We’re definitely not friends.” 


“Well that’s just rude.” 


Felix’s nose brushed against his nose. He lowed his head slightly, unsure. Entirely panicked yet.. he had so many urges to kiss him. 


Changbin met eyes with him again, only leaning in more to give him a consenting look. His hand went to cup his face, Felix just swallowed, 


and he leaned in.



His lips were soft, Felix liked the way they brushed against his until they met in a long and savory kiss. He deepened the kiss, touching his waist gently with his hands. Changbin moved his head, tilting it. Allowing Felix to deepen the kiss even more. His hands trailed up to his chest, feeling him as Changbin moved Felix closer, holding his thighs now as Felix pulled away.


breathes were exchanged, and eyes stared into each others.


They were hungry for love.


Hungry for something real.


Hungry for acceptance.


Changbin squeezed his thigh, leaning in again. Only leaning his forehead on his as he breathed.

He was so beautiful to Felix. His lips were plumped, and kissed now. His face was red and flushed.

Felix couldn’t resist, gently pulling him in again. Moving into his lap again, his arms around his neck. Soft noises were communicated, fighting for breathe as they kissed again. Changbin’s glasses fogged up as their faces pressed again each other. Felix kept feeling him, his arms, anything he could grab onto. Changbin laid back, pushing his glasses to the top of his head as he breathed again. He looked at the boy splayed on the bed. He smiled softly to himself, a hand still on him.



-

The door opened. 

Chapter Text

Have you ever thought about the worst scenario when you were with someone?


Getting into a car crash during a date?


Maybe getting caught kissing or fucking somewhere?


Making a fool of yourself? 


Maybe not being able to speak?


The door creaked, opening to only meet with a scene he dared have nightmares about. 


Chan knew, logically. If he wasn’t so possessive over Felix. He would’ve given himself to Changbin. It came true. But, it disgusted him.

Watching them was something, either some sort of lust demon possessed Felix or Changbin put some spell over him. 

“What the fuck?”

He uttered the words ever so carefully, under his breathes. The feelings he felt, were too mixed. Unsure what to feel,

tinges of jealousy.

sparks of hatred. 

Even the feeling of being alone, finally. 

Alone for a year, hated in his psych ward. Hated in his family for his mental health issues he was finally diagnosed with. 

Weakened by the two people he played. 

The two didn’t hear him. 

Gazing into Felix’s eyes for the last time he might be able to in a long time, 


Chan honestly felt regret. A tinge of empathy for once in his god forsakened life. 


His damned life as he realized what he ruined. 


He swallowed.


Hesitating, he gripped the doorknob. His jaw tightened, staring down at his hand, then up to the figures still intrigued by each other’s gazes. Their bodies fit each other perfectly, comfortably. Chan’s arm lingered a bit too close, brushing hard on the door. Creating a noise. 

Alas, someone finally turned.


The boy he once saw as a friend, or even as a something more. Even if it was just for a fleeting moment. He could finally see the envy that Changbin once held in his two eyes. The way he might’ve begged for in his dreams to have, or just in general. He could see the way Felix felt his way up his body. It morphed more into a grip, a fearful grip as his eyes widened. 


“Ch- Chan, is-… right there… he’s right there.” 


Changbin slowly turned, his eyes scanned the room. His lips licked the saliva that still lingered on his mouth from Felix. Making eye contact with Chan, he felt a tinge of humiliation.


Well, it looked like that anyways.


His eyebrows furrowed. Gently pushing away the angel that waited for him to do something. 

Love or Lust?


Was it a craving for anything? Or for someone. A certain someone. 


Was it for anyone, or a certain person?


Feeling Changbin’s hands glide, the greediness of his own actions didn’t dare make him self aware of his true intentions. He gambled with his own desperation. He dare give a chance of intimacy with someone who did want him. 


But did he want him back? 


He looked into his eyes, Changbin’s eyes stern and upfront with the old friend now turned sour. 


“Problem?”


He dared uttered those syllables to the problem set in front of him. He shifted away from the man he loved, standing up. His shoulders adjusted to make himself look bigger and braver. His hands gripped. 

Words stayed clogged in his mouth. Chan wasn’t sure. 



Lust or Love?



”Stop lusting.”


”It’s loving.”

Chapter Text

”I’ve been called such a loser for hanging around him...” 


Felix mumbled, looking at Han.


”You’re such a joke.” 


Han whispered to him. His head leaned in, breathes felt against him. He reeked of weed. Felix’s eyes squinted. 


“You’ve time and time again let him push you around. Why? You have no reason,”


“You, you have a choice now. You have the higher ground. And, well, Changbin loves you. Even if Chan, finds you again. It’s time to leave him. He’s a horrible person.” 

Felix knew this. Felix knew how terrible he was. He knew how miserable he felt. His chest twisting and his stomach lurching from how disgusted he felt just pondering the memories of him and Chan. Han’s fingers played with the weed pen in hand. Twirling it as he thought. 

“Did you ever-.. actually?”

Felix’s lips curled into a frown. Looking at him with tears in his eyes. 

“He did.”

—

Minho knew something about Felix and Chan. 

And it wasn’t the brightest thing to know.  


Nor something he liked knowing. 


He could picture a room, a big room, probably the biggest bedroom besides the master bedroom inside the house. There was this bed, big as could be. Set inside the room, centered. With white covers and white sheets, bed made to perfection.

Unlike the one time he peered in during a small party… well, a “smaller” party, one supposed to only encase a few seniors and labyrinth. There was crowds and crowds inside the labyrinth of a house.

Sheets were spattered with alcohol, staining the clean, crisp sheets. Felix was pinned against the bed. Chan was towered over him.

The way Felix looked, wasn’t the loving gaze he always gave him. Even when he was at his worse. Even when everyone else could feel fear. 

That day was different.

He could never see that gaze ever since, as much as Felix strained his face to make it look like so. 

—

Someone knocked on his room’s door. 

Felix opened the door. Almost yelling as he saw the man. Staying hushed not to awake the sleeping Han, sleeping on the sidelines on his bed. His hand rose to cover his mouth. Stepping back to look at him in the eyes. 

Chan stood, in his door frame. His body wet from the thunderstorm outside. 

“Felix, I’m sorry.” 

His honeyed voice made him ache.

Felix watched him, as he stood in the rain. His eyes pleaded with Felix. 

He froze, terrified. Unable to breathe as he looked at him once again. All the memories spilled into his head. The way he kissed him, painfully. The way he berated him. How he made him feel little, in the worst ways. 

“Listen-..”

“You’ve taken away more than you can apologize for.” 

Felix cut him off, clearing his throat.

”It was only.. casual right?”