Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter One

“Please don’t roll your eyes at me, Mr. Spring,” Sophie begged, her face a perfect mixture between pleading and annoyed. Charlie took a beat to school his face, switching from impatient to impassive. 

“Sorry, Sophie. I just don’t think this is as serious a situation as you make it out to be,” he said, trying to coat his words with a gentle firmness instead of exasperation. He truly cared about his students, but Sophie’s neuroses were teetering on that narrow border between ‘annoying’ and ‘concerning’. She gaped back at him, eyes widened in disbelief. 

“Not a serious situation…” she breathed to herself, shaking her head dazedly. “Mr. Spring. My life is literally hanging in the balance!” she wailed, flopping back into her seat. “How…how does a perfectly planned and manicured life go from what it was yesterday to this shit version in one afternoon!?” 

 Charlie took a steadying, slow inhale through his nose and fluttered his eyes close for a second too long. He opened them to look Sophie directly in her eyes.

“Sophie, I need you to hear me when I say this,” he said firmly, reaching out to place both of his hands down on his desk. She glanced up slowly, her eyes meeting his with a stubborn glare. “Being waitlisted to your second choice school does not signify what you seem to think it does, especially when you told me last week that you would…let’s see,” he scuffled through some papers on his desk until he found the one, and then read loudly, “and I quote, 'literally never step foot there unless forced.’”

“But Mr. Spring, they rejected me!” Sophie spat out. “And I didn’t even want them! And now look at me,” she said, gesturing wildly at herself, eyes bugging out. “I’m desperate for their attention now!” she said, bending to slowly beat her forehead against his desk. Charlie let Sophie’s words hang in the air in between them for a few minutes before a giggle escaped his mouth. “Are you laughing?” Sophie mumbled from her face-down position in front of him.

“This is like the classic tactic used by boys against both of us our whole lives,” he snickered, eyes dancing. “We don’t even want them but when they pre-emptively reject us, we can’t get enough of them.” Sophie lifted her head from the desk, piecing his words together, before a snort escaped her mouth.

“Oh my god,” she giggled. “How do you know these things about my personal life!” she covered her mouth with her hand. Heaving a dramatic sigh, she stood up, seeming to have gotten what she needed out of her meeting. “And come on, Mr. Spring, I don’t believe for a second you were ever preemptively rejected,” she said with an eye-roll. She turned toward the door and gave him a little wave. “I’m still pissed, but I can at least wait to hear from the other schools before planning my eventual disintegration into the b-list state schools I dread.” 

Charlie rolled his eyes good-naturedly at her and gave a little wave. She slipped out through his open door. You’d be surprised, he thought to himself. More rejections in my past than successes. He turned back to his files and marked that Sophie had been wait-listed for Dartmouth before snapping his laptop shut and turning to pack up his bag for the day. He glanced up when he spotted movement flit across his doorway. Was that…who he thought it was? His eyes narrowed as he tried to see through his window into the quickly emptying hallway, tracing the movement to a tall, lanky blond man as he passed by.

Charlie shot up out of his chair, looking around his desk quickly to gather up his belongings in an attempt to catch up with the man before he got too far ahead. He clicked his office door shut behind him and then jogged lightly to make up ground before slowing to a casual walk a few paces behind. The man hadn’t noticed him yet, so Charlie faked a cough into his ‘cough pocket’, as they were trained to call it, before muttering an ‘excuse me’ into the empty space around him. Triumph! The man ahead of him turned around at the sound and his eyes caught Charlie’s. 

“Oh, hey Charlie,” he said, slowing as he turned around and waited for Charlie to catch up. Charlie internally squealed that he’d managed to create a casual run-in with his crush without having to go too far out of his way or be too obvious. 

“Oh hi Scott, how’s it going,” he attempted casually, slinging his favorite leather laptop bag further up his lean, muscular shoulders. 

Scott gave him an easy smile. “It’s Thursday,” he said, with a little shrug. “So I guess I’m getting there.”

Charlie glanced Scott briefly up and down; he was wearing a baby blue sweater over a checkered button-up shirt and khakis. Sensible brown shoes. Very teacherly, and very similar to what he wore every day. Charlie glanced down at his own outfit; scuffed corduroy mustard yellow converse, black skinny jeans, and a giant turquoise and black leopard print  sweater. It was okay that Scott wasn’t particularly fashionable; after the heyday of Charlie’s previous crushes and romantic partners, someone sensible and unassuming was all that he wanted. And he had wanted Scott for going on two years now. 

Scott was a senior history teacher, and last year, during Charlie’s first year at Northview Preparatory School, he had been in an assistant support staff role, working one-on-one with a caseload of students who were struggling in English while he finished his counseling degree in the evenings. One of the students Charlie had bonded with the most during that first year – due to the sheer amount of academic ground that needed to be covered - was a boy named Kingston in Scott’s class. Because of that, Charlie would arrive twice a week at the door to his classroom, knocking gently, conferring with Scott about any specific requests or areas of focus, and then taking Kingston across the hall to a private room where they could work together for 40 minutes on reading comprehension and how to properly write a five-point essay. Charlie’s consistent presence with Kingston had broken the ice with Scott, and the two had formed a professional friendship that occasionally bled into after-dinner drinks with other staff on Fridays and the random house party. 

Fresh out of the toxic mind-fuck of a relationship that had been his experience with Ben, Charlie had initially been drawn to Scott’s calm presence, kind and steady interactions with his students, and, of course, the tiny rainbow pin in the corner of his classroom corkboard. The first time he’d noticed it, Charlie felt his temperature increase and his cheeks pinken with the knowledge. He’d never considered Scott previously, because he’d assumed he was straight, but seeing that pin had metaphorically removed the scales from his eyes, and he saw Scott in a new light after that. From that moment on, Charlie had ever so subtly – at least he thought – inserted himself into Scott’s life with a bit more intention; arriving a few minutes early to pick up Kingston so he and Scott could chat about his approach, lingering after the sessions to debrief, finding himself volunteering for lunch and dismissal duties with the senior staff instead of accepting random assignments. And, so far, it seemed to be working. He and Scott had become actual friends over the previous summer, when a small cluster of copacetic staff from the school had gotten together a few times for summer festival, day trips to Chicago, and concerts. 

This year, Charlie had been offered the official role of Guidance Counselor upon completion of his degree and had transitioned into it with ease due to his knowledge of the school, staff, and students. The one down side of the change was his lack of natural interaction with Scott; what had been an easy way to grow and maintain a friendship through the guise of work-related discussions had to be a bit more intentional, and with that came a bit more scrutiny from their co-workers. 

They walked out of Northview Preparatory School together, chatting about their days aimlessly and comfortably. 

“I noticed Sophie stalking out of your office earlier,” Scott mentioned, turning to assess Charlie’s reaction. “Everything okay?”

Charlie rolled his eyes dramatically. “I love how everyone knows how intense she can be, even if they aren’t her teacher,” he joked. “But yes, she’s fine. She got waitlisted for Dartmouth and almost had a panic attack about it, but then I reminded her that she didn’t want to go to Dartmouth and she perked up a bit,” Charlie said with a chuckle.

“Hah, nice, it’s always good to use students’ words against them,” Scott responded, squinting into the sun. Warmth spread through Charlie as he and Scott made their way across the potholed parking lot to their cars and. Charlie started working up the courage to ask Scott what he was up to over the weekend when Scott spoke again.

“I see Darcy over there,” he said, pointing back toward the school at the crowd of teachers and students gathered for dismissal. Charlie’s eyes tracked where Scott pointed to find another senior teacher, her blond hair glinting in the sunlight. “I need to catch up with her about something, so I guess I’ll see you around,” he finished, nodding at Charlie and turning to head  back where he came from.

“Okay, bye,” Charlie said, dazed by the abrupt end to their conversation. “Catch you later.” Charlie unlocked the door to his dark green Honda Civic and tossed his bag in the passenger’s seat. His thoughts were caught up on his short drive home, wondering what to make of Scott. They were obviously friends – they spent enough time in each other’s company outside of school for that to be clear to both of them. They had an affinity for each other too, finding no shortage of points of commonality to talk about; from music, to their families, to their upbringings, they were similar in ways that really mattered to Charlie. Their conversations flowed easily and were punctuated with laughter. Plus, they were both single and queer, so their growing friendship had to mean something to Scott, right? But there seemed to be a certain distance; a reticence behind his eyes, that Charlie didn’t know how to interpret. Maybe he was just shy and unsure how to make his interest known? Charlie understood that, certainly. Maybe he really didn’t want to be in a relationship? Charlie revisited these thoughts like a worry stone, rubbing over the same curves and crevices any time he found himself alone with his thoughts. He’d replay their most recent conversation, desperate for any clues or insight, but found himself coming up short again and again. 

“I’m ho-ome!” he called out as he slipped his shoes off by the front door to his apartment.

“In the kitchen,” Isaac, his roommate, responded. Charlie ambled in, dropping his bag and keys in the entryway and making his way into their tiny kitchen. Isaac was bent over, rifling through the fridge when Charlie walked in and playfully swatted him on the bum.

“Happy weekend,” Charlie said with a smirk as Isaac whirled around holding a piece of string cheese pointed at him like a sword.

“Aren’t you feeling cheeky,” Isaac said with a roll of his eyes.

“Something like that,” Charlie responded, swiping the cheese from Isaac, opening it, and popping it into his mouth. 

“Rude,” Isaac said flatly, turning back around and grabbing another. “What are you up to this weekend?” he asked. The pair made their way into their living room, dropping onto their well-loved couch together.

“Eh,” Charlie said, giving a dismissive wave of his hand. “I don’t have anything planned yet, but who knows. You?”

Isaac looked back at Charlie and silently lifted up a pristine copy of some hardback book Charlie had never heard of. “I have a date with Jonathan Franzen,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Sadly, not by choice. But I’m due to get my edits back early next week and got distracted with reading for pleasure over the last few days, so I will do my job and read this monstrosity as quickly as possible so I can get back to it,” he explained. 

“Roy’s cracking the whip on you, yeah?” Charlie asked, and was greeted with another eye roll and a huff of breath from Isaac.

“Something like that,” he muttered. “Ever since he found out that I read twice as much for pleasure than I do for work, he’s increased my workload. Luckily for me, sometimes the two overlap so I’ll be alright.” 

Few of Charlie’s friends were more well-suited to their jobs than Isaac. One of his best friends from high school that he had stayed in touch with during college and then reconnected with properly after moving back home, he and Isaac quickly became roommates and then better friends than they had ever been before. Where Charlie was harried and busy with work and growing his social circle locally, Isaac was a homebody who kept their apartment neat, well-stocked on groceries, and, puzzlingly, did all the laundry. What at first felt to Charlie like a lopsided living arrangement advantage had become a comfortable habit, and Charlie repaid Isaac’s house-husband-level care by regaling him with stories of student meltdowns, coworker gossip, and tedious retellings of every interaction he and Scott had each day. Plus, he covered the groceries.

“What about you, how was work today?” Isaac asked, taking another bite of his piece of string cheese.

“Let’s see,” Charlie said, leaning to his side and tucking his feet under himself as he settled in. “My type-A student had a meltdown about being waitlisted,” he started.

“That’ll be Sophie, yeah?” Isaac asked, ever the engaged listener.

“Correct, Sophie. And before that, Liam was in asking again if I’d heard back from Notre Dame, and…I told him I hadn’t,” Charlie said, sighing deeply and avoiding eye contact.

“But…you had?” Isaac asked after a beat.

“It was literally right before he walked in,” Charlie defended. “I got an email from them telling me they weren’t planning on granting his internship. But I hadn’t had a chance to figure out how to break it to him gently so I told him to check back in on Tuesday.” He rubbed his hand across his face. “I really didn’t want to mislead him, but I like to prepare for conversations a bit when I know I’m breaking a kid’s heart,” he said mournfully. Isaac looked at him with gentle eyes and nudged his thigh with his own.

“I think that’s probably fine, it’s not like you told him he’d gotten in or something,” he reasoned. They sat in silence for a few minutes, Charlie picking at an imaginary piece of lint on his jeans. “So!” Isaac said with a renewed energy and a glint in his eye. “Any interactions with your man?” he asked with a little wiggle to his shoulders.

“Hah, barely,” Charlie said, flopping back onto the couch again with a sigh. “I just-“

“Wait!” Isaac yelped. “I can tell where this is headed.” He stood up and disappeared into the kitchen, returning a moment later with their half empty bottle of Sauvignon Blanc from the night before and two wine glasses. He poured a glass for himself and one for Charlie and then settled back in. “Okay, go on.”

Charlie grabbed the wine and took a small sip, weighing what he wanted to say, before it spilled out of him. “I just can’t tell what he’s thinking!” he huffed, taking another sip. “Every interaction is friendly, every conversation is engaging and fun and I can tell he like, truly appreciates being friends with me, but sometimes I feel like,” Charlie trailed off, searching for the right words. “I feel like…if I didn’t make an effort to randomly walk by his class, or follow-up after a session with Kingston, or go on group outings with the other teachers, we’d hardly speak, and he wouldn’t particularly care.”

Isaac’s eyes widened at Charlie’s confession, and he wordlessly emptied the remaining wine into Charlie’s glass. “That’s…a heavy way of looking at things,” he said cautiously. Charlie let out a harsh laugh and took another sip of his wine, nodding in acknowledgement of the heavy pour.

“I know…I’ve never really said that out loud, or even really thought about it like that, but I guess that’s how I feel right now.” They settled into a thoughtful silence again, lost in their own thoughts about everything. 

“Charlie,” Isaac started, “do you think you should maybe,” he paused, looking around the room and settling on something in the mid distance. “Do you think maybe you should just…ask him what he thinks about you? Or maybe even tell him how you feel about him?”

Charlie drew in a deep breath. To be honest, that thought had crossed his mind quite frequently over the last few months. As his crush reached unbearable levels, he was starting to display habits he thought he’d left in the past; habits that he wasn’t proud of and didn’t want to fall into again. He thought he had ‘done the work’ and ‘recognized unhealthy patterns’ and ‘made coping strategies’ and all the other things he was supposed to do, but here he was again, on the brink of a mental breakdown over whether someone liked him back. He was way too old for this shit. He let out another frustrated groan and then swung his feet off the couch and stood up suddenly.

“Wanna go out or something?” he asked, feeling antsy with the sudden mood shift the evening had taken. Isaac raised his eyebrows and spluttered on the sip of wine he’d just taken.

“Now? Like, right now? It’s 4:30pm, Charlie. Why don’t we just…relax for a bit and see how we feel in a couple hours,” he suggested slowly. Charlie gave another frustrated sigh and flopped back down onto the couch. 

“But I do think there’s a chance Scott likes me,” he wailed, glancing at Isaac hopefully. “The other day when we got drinks after work with Darcy and a couple other teachers, they all left and Scott and I stayed for another round before we called it a night,” Charlie said.

“I remember that,” Isaac answered gently. He kindly didn’t mention that they’d stayed up dissecting every moment of that night when Charlie returned home, giddily knocking on Isaac’s door to fill him in. “Look, Charlie, I do get why you’re confused. Is there a way you can be happy if you’re just friends?” he asked. 

Charlie chewed on his lip and considered the question for a moment. “I think, maybe, I could be just friends with Scott, but I don’t think I could if I thought there was still a chance he liked me,” he finished. He and Isaac met eyes across the couch. 

“And are there any ways for you to find out if he likes you without directly asking or telling him?” Isaac prodded. Charlie let out a huff of air and gave Isaac a flat look.

“I know what you’re doing,” he said. 

“I’m not doing anything!” Isaac said, lifting his palms up in a show of innocence. “I’m truly trying to help you figure out if you have any options to move forward or not.”

They stared at each other again. Charlie could tell Isaac wanted to say something, but was hesitating.

“Come on, out with it,” he said, gesturing his chin at Isaac. “What are you thinking.”

“Well,” Isaac started, delicately. He looked up and to the left as he considered his next words. “I was just wondering if perhaps being coworkers is a problem for Scott, and whether he likes you or not, dating wouldn’t be an option on principle?” He finally met Charlie’s eyes, and when they did, his were full of compassion and a bit of sadness.

“Like, you mean, maybe he just won’t let himself go there? With anyone he works with?” Charlie asked, feeling a bit lightheaded at the prospect. He instantly flashed back to a party he’d been at during his first year at Northview, a year and a half ago at least, when he and Scott were little more than work acquaintances but after Charlie had started to pay attention to his burgeoning crush. He had somehow managed to get himself invited over to Scott’s housewarming party, the first time they’d interacted outside of the school, and they had magically found themselves alone next to the charcuterie platter.

A new crop of teachers had joined the staff after the recent winter break to replace the formerly new teachers who had flamed out spectacularly during their first semester. Among the recent hires was a bold, brash, bombastic, and extremely talented new hire named Jonathan who had walked in like he owned the place. Charlie hated him immediately. But, he seemed to be in the minority, as word spread quickly that Mr. Jonathan, all six feet four inches of him, was the object of affection for all of the queer students and staff at Northview. 

Being out and gay at Northview wasn’t a big deal. Charlie was obviously gay, with his giant rainbow flag draped behind his desk and his nail polish and his openness. Scott was less loud about it, but clearly out to anyone who paid attention and appreciated subtlety, like Charlie. Jonathan, on the other hand, made Charlie seem like he was hiding bits of himself with how openly he discussed his long-distance and long-term boyfriend during the interview process. When he showed up a week later with red-rimmed eyes, he regaled any teacher who would listen about their sudden breakup and his intention to hook up with anyone who would have him as a way to ‘numb the pain’. That didn’t seem like Scott’s vibe, if Charlie really thought about it, but it still aroused Charlie’s suspicions and made him hyper-focused on any interaction he observed between Scott and Jonathan. Which brought him back to the charcuterie board at Scott’s housewarming party.

Charlie and Scott were filling plates with delicate slices of brie and aged white cheddar ('Such taste!' Charlie thought indulgently) when a loud crash followed by Jonathan’s honking laughter had sounded through the open doorway. Scott and Charlie both glanced up quickly and locked eyes with each other. “Sounds like Jonathan is christening your new apartment,” Charlie said with a sly grin, looking over his shoulder as Scott’s eyes widened.

“Oh my god,” Scott said, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “If I don’t get my security deposit back…” Scott set his plate down and turned toward the door, before a loud yell came back through.

“EVERYTHING IS FINE, SCOTT, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT!” followed by more laughter from the main room. Scott stilled and took a steadying breath. 

“I’m sure everything is fine,” Charlie said, taking the smallest step toward Scott with a shy smile that he hoped was both comforting and, somehow, a bit sexy. He didn’t really think he hit the mark, though, as Scott stepped back ever so slightly with a furrowed brow. Charlie tried to deflect from the slightly awkward exchange. “So, ah, I didn’t know you and Jonathan were friends?” he offered. Scott seemed less distracted by the disturbance in the other room as he turned back to his plate and forked a piece of salami onto it. 

“Yeah, friendly enough,” he said with a slight shrug. 

“You know,” Charlie started, fumbling his words for a second, feeling his heartbeat pick up.  “You know he’s gay too, right?” Scott and Charlie had never discussed their sexuality before now; Charlie, of course, assumed that Scott knew about him, given his outspokenness and the visual cues that littered his desk. When Scott tilted his head to look at Charlie with an inscrutable expression, Charlie had a moment of panic that he’d potentially read the clues  entirely wrong and Scott wasn’t gay at all. What if the PRIDE pin on his corkboard was simply a way to mark his room as a safe space for his queer students? He internally started panicking before Scott spoke again.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I know,” he glanced around nervously. “We’ve acknowledged that,” he said, a tiny spot of pink rising up on his cheeks. 

'Huh, that’s interesting,' Charlie thought, seeing as he’d been working with Scott for almost six months and they’d never mentioned it, but Jonathan had only been at the school for a few weeks. For all Charlie knew of him, Jonathan probably saw the pin and then loudly called out, “Hey, Mr. Scott! I didn’t know you were gay – me too!” Though, the breakup and Jonathan’s interest in one-night stands niggled at the back of his mind as a potential – unlikely, he hoped – option.

“Ah, right, of course,” Charlie said, nodding quickly. “I wouldn’t want you to, you know, be um, surprised by that or anything.”  He picked up his plate and quickly added several pickles to the platter. Scott’s cheeks were covered in a blush, now, and Charlie sensed the conversation coming to a close. I’m an idiot. I failed an attempt to flirt with my co-worker and then insinuated that he and my other coworker might be fucking. Charlie truly had no game, and he never had.

“Uh, Charlie,” Scott said, stammering a bit and seeming nervous. “Jonathan is…he’s a nice guy. But…” he paused, searching for the words, and then settled his eyes soflty onto his platter of cheddar and Club crackers. “I wouldn’t really date someone I worked with,” he finished. 

“Oh,” Charlie said, somehow chastened by the conversation. He took a deep, steadying breath. “Right,” he said, working hard to keep his voice steady. “Wouldn’t want that, would we,” he laughed weakly. “Work and pleasure and all. And… you know, they don’t…mix.” Charlie could not control his stammering. “I mean, like, usually. At least in my experience!” he said with a loud laugh. Charlie had never dated a coworker. This was a disaster. Scott didn’t seem to catch on and just nodded along.

“Right,” Scott echoed. He grabbed his cheese plate and turned toward the doorway. “Anyway, I should check to see that everything is alright in there,” he said, slipping out through the door. Charlie let out a deep and nervous breath after he was alone with the charcuterie platter again, but luckily, after several mixed drinks and plenty of conversations with the rest of the staff throughout the evening, he’d forgotten about the brief exchange he and Scott had shared until Isaac had floated the idea a minute ago.

“Charlie, are you still with me?” Isaac was poking Charlie in the ribs now as Charlie eased out of the long-forgotten exchange. 

“Sorry,” he started, shaking his head a bit. “I just remembered a conversation Scott and I had way back when I first started liking him. You might be onto something with the coworker thing,” Charlie said, before recounting the exchange to Isaac. He listened carefully, laughing at Charlie’s reenactment of his nervous stammering, rolling his eyes at the mention of Jonathan, who, now, a year and a half later, had graduated from an unknown nuisance to Charlie’s gay arch-rival, and he nodded sagely at Scott’s mention of not being interested in dating coworkers.

“I bet that’s it,” Isaac said with finality. “Honestly, so many pieces just fell into place.”

“Okay, well enlighten me then,” Charlie said, taking a big gulp of wine and bringing his knees to his chest. For some reason, he had a feeling that Isaac was about to drop some hard truths on him.

“I bet he could like you, and I bet he knows that,” Isaac started carefully, tapping his finger against his lips as he spoke. Charlie nodded encouragingly for him to continue. “But, I also think he’s maybe unwilling to explore that due to being work colleagues,” he said with a little nod and a small frown. 

“That doesn’t sound particularly hopeful,” Charlie said glumly after waiting to see if Isaac was planning on adding anything. 

“Possibly not,” Isaac answered simply. 

“So, what do I do then?” Charlie asked. “About this,” he gestured to himself, indicating his current raging crush that had teetered past acceptable as he found himself driving past Scott’s apartment on his way home from work and canceling plans with friends if there was a chance Scott might show up at some party with their work friends. Charlie would work his way into an invite, and then arrive to find that he was wrong, and instead was at a party with work colleagues he didn’t particularly care for, with no Scott in sight, while his friends got drinks without him on the other side of town.

“Well, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I think you ask him or tell him directly about what’s going on, or you just consider it a non-entity and try to move on.” 

“You didn’t bring up the third option,” Charlie said, raising a finger at Isaac.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” he asked with genuine curiosity.

“I keep on pining and my mental health continues to unravel,” Charlie said with a bitter laugh. He stood up, threw back the rest of his wine and took their empty glasses to the kitchen. “I’m going to turn in early,” he said when he came back through the living room. “I’ve had enough of today.” 

“Okay,” Isaac said, understanding where Charlie’s head was at like few other friends could. “Just…if it makes you feel any better, wanting to date someone and not being able to isn’t the same as being rejected. Life gets in the way sometimes, and that doesn’t mean you aren’t worthy of his affections.” 

“Thanks, Isaac,” Charlie said with a sad nod. “I’ll plan to put that on my gravestone. ‘Here lies Charlie Spring. Life got in his way sometimes, but he was worthy of the affection he never got.’”

Charlie’s mood had lifted by the next day, and given the somewhat depressing note it had started on, he’d managed to fit in a good weekend, with trips to the farmer’s market with Isaac, a long FaceTime with his sister Tori, a deep clean of his apartment, and a lovely run in the sunshine. 

He loved his long Sunday runs, and often referred to them as ‘going to church’. It’s where he let his mind wander and puzzle over things that had been bothering him; he’d solved many complicated work situations and tangled emotions during his runs, and always returned home feeling physically exhausted but mentally sharp. This Sunday had been no different, and he had decided that he would tell Scott how he felt the next time they hung out. He walked into Northview on Monday morning with a sense of purpose, and quickly spotted his friend Darcy across the parking lot as he pulled into his regular spot. He slung his leather laptop bag over his shoulder and strode over to her, where she was stationed for early morning bus duty.

“Heya pal,” she said as she saw him, her cheeks rosy and blond-hair whipping in the wind. She gave him a big grin. “Sorry about Sophie last week…she was in such a state and I was in the middle of a trig lesson; I just told her to go talk to you. I know you can handle her better than I do anyway.” She laughed, a big bold laugh that matched her personality.

“No worries, Darcy,” Charlie said easily. “I talked her off the ledge.” Darcy smiled as her eyes scanned the students headed in from their parents’ cars, the school busses, and the city bus stop, making sure all was running smoothly. 

“Hey, want to grab lunch before the staff training tomorrow?” he asked, squinting in the sunlight. It was unusual that classroom teachers had a chance to leave the school for lunch, but tomorrow was a rare student half-day followed by teacher training in the afternoon. Most of the staff hated days like this, wishing they could just go home and catch up on grading or their personal lives, but Charlie loved it. As a support staff member and the school’s guidance counselor, he cherished the moments he got to be included with the rest of the teaching staff, learning about ways to better support their kids through the latest stress management resources, or how to properly file incident reports. Did it make him a nerd? Possibly, but he was at peace with it.

He had an ulterior motive for getting to Darcy about lunch before anyone else did, and that was that, in addition to being one of his favorite teachers – always quick with a laugh and hopelessly devoted to her students – Darcy was also quite close with Scott. If Charlie locked in lunch plans with Darcy now, he was reasonably certain that Scott would be invited (along with some others), and Charlie would get a chance to set up a time for him and Scott to talk. He knew he could ask what Scott’s week was like and find a way to casually set up a chance for them to get together; perhaps even that afternoon as teachers trickled out earlier than usual and without the normal stress of navigating students all afternoon. Now that Charlie had decided to put it all out there, he wanted to get it over with before he lost his nerve. 

So, the next day, after the students were dismissed at 11:30, Charlie meandered over toward Darcy's classroom to meet up for their pre-planned lunch. He poked his head into her classroom and saw her tidying up her desk.

“Hey, Darcy, still up for lunch today?” he asked. She glanced up and smiled.

“Sure thing, Charlie! I mentioned we were going to a couple buddies, so we’re all going to meet out by the staff parking lot in five,” she said as she grabbed her scuffed black backpack with the Grateful Dead dancing bear patch displayed prominently on the pocket. 

“Perfect,” Charlie affirmed. They walked out together, waving at a couple other staff members, and found a small huddle of their colleagues waiting for them. Charlie’s breath caught in his throat when he saw Scott there, smiling back at them and waving. 

The three of them piled into Darcy’s Jeep, and Charlie was content sitting in the back seat and listening to Scott and Darcy’s animated conversation about two of their students who had gotten into a fight earlier in the week. Charlie marveled at how open and carefree Scott sounded when he laughed with Darcy; it was different than he seemed with him. They had been friends for years, and he and Scott only had about a year under their belts.

They parked and walked into the restaurant, gathering at the entrance to pick up plates and napkins.

“So, Mr. Scott,” Darcy said, teasingly. “Have you been out with that guy again?” Charlie, who was standing right behind the two of them, halted in his tracks. What guy? 

“Actually, I have,” Scott answered back, and Charlie could tell he was speaking through a  smile. Charlie felt his heart drop.

“And, how’s it going,” Darcy asked in a sing-songy voice, nudging Scott with her shoulder.

“It’s going pretty well,” Scott answered back after a brief pause, bumping her shoulder back.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths, Charlie ordered himself. Do not let them see you panic. He stuffed his feelings down deep and painted his face with a bright smile. 

“That’s awesome,” he exclaimed tightly from behind Darcy and Scott. They turned and smiled at him, Darcy nodding excitedly and Scott looking a bit bashful. 

“Yeah,” he echoed. “It’s been really fun.” The three of them headed toward a table, and Charlie saw Scott incline his head toward Darcy in a subtle nod of thanks. Darcy’s eyes flickered to Charlie’s uncertainly, and he saw then that this had been intentional; a gentle way for Scott and Darcy to let him down without embarrassing him. His face instantly warmed, and a prickle of sweat formed on his hairline and his low back.

“I’m just gonna run to the restroom real quick,” he said, noticing Darcy and Scott share a concerned look before he turned and practically ran from the table. 

'Fuck,', he whispered as he stepped into the bathroom. 'Fuck fuck fuck.' As if finding out your crush was dating someone wasn’t enough, to have it acknowledged with such pity was something from which he would never recover. His breath came out in spurts, and he turned on the faucet as cold as it could go, wetting his hands and running them across his face. Just be cool, Charlie, he said to himself, gulping in a few deep breaths and blowing them out. They can’t know how bad this hurts if you don’t show them. After ensuring his color had returned back to normal, he squared his shoulders with finality and stepped back into the restaurant with confidence. Stuffing down his enormous feelings of shame and heartbreak; nothing he hadn’t done before.

Chapter Text

Chapter Two

Charlie Spring was barely holding it together. Since his crush was abruptly and unquestionably squashed in a public and embarrassing way a few weeks back, he’d been dealing with what most would call ‘emotional turmoil’. Simply put, he was sad, deeply sad, and it was manifesting in him physically. Immediately after The Incident, he had come down with a cold, his body’s way of telling him that he was stressed the fuck out. He’d since gotten through the cough and runny nose and was left with a dull headache behind his left eye, ever-present and resistant to painkillers, at least the ones he could get over the counter. 

Emotionally, he felt grief for the loss of what he’d hoped for; Scott had just been so good. Kind and caring and steady and stable. Some might say he was a bit boring, maybe even vanilla, but after all that Charlie had been through with a certain ex, that was what he needed. He needed a comforting and gentle relationship, the kind where he could skip over the butterflies and uncertainty and fast forward straight to snuggling on the couch with their favorite reruns of The Office after dinner, lazy mornings with coffee and trips to the grocery store to pick up eggs and orange juice. He really felt they could have had a long-term partnership, and in the process, healed some of his lingering insecurities. 

But below the sadness was a burning embarrassment. Had he been so obvious to those around him that they’d had to stage a way to bring up Scott’s new relationship and let him down easy? During the fitful nights when he couldn’t sleep, Charlie imagined Scott and Darcy in each other’s offices, whispering about how to let Charlie know that Scott had started seeing someone. And if that conversation had happened, then there had certainly been conversations before then that included Darcy teasing Scott about the gay guidance counselor who had been hanging around. Charlie replayed iterations of the conversations in his head, toying with different versions, keeping him from relaxing into sleep. In one, Scott wrinkled his nose at the suggestion of Charlie’s attraction to him, shaking his head with distaste. In another, Scott lamented that he and Charlie could never get together because he couldn’t date a coworker and had been living in anguish about it, driven into the arms of another man. The version that was the most painful was one where Scott was completely ambivalent, shrugging and brushing off the idea as if Charlie had never crossed his mind in any way in the first place. 

Deeper still, below the sadness and embarrassment was a sense of shame. Somehow, despite everything – the life-long patterns he’d fought against, his instinctual desires for closeness, the traumatic ‘Ben years’ of it all – Charlie had realized that he’d once again found himself self-sabotaging in the ways he always did. It was Charlie 101, since he could remember ever having romantic desires as a pre-teen: he’d be drawn to someone from afar and would nurture that tiny glowing ember of hope as he watched and waited, the intensity of his feelings growing by the day. Eventually, the heat of his interest would become unbearable, and he would take the next step, moving into their periphery. He'd laugh loudly at their jokes, share seemingly off-the-cuff remarks that he knew would pull their attention, and project confidence, drawing the objects of his affection into what they thought was a friendship, unaware of Charlie’s ulterior motives. During this stage, Charlie’s charm offensive usually worked well, and he and his crush would grow closer – in some cases, becoming the best of friends – while he secretly pined the entire time and grew more and more anguished by the uncertainty of it all, picking apart every interaction, obsessing over each detail, and slowly losing his mind. 

It had never ended well. In literally every case except Ben, the friendships had eventually been snuffed out by the growing intensity of Charlie’s attention. There would be a tipping point, when his ‘friend’ realized, a dawning awareness, that this wasn’t a simple friendship at all, but a one-sided and imaginary relationship that had become all consuming and painful. Then would come the discomfort, the awkwardness, the – in some cases – slow and unacknowledged disintegration of a friendship until Charlie was left alone again, wondering where he went wrong and what he could have done differently. 

He thought he had been doing things differently with Scott; he had intended to address it directly, and he’d held back in the ‘charming friendship’ category due to being a fucking adult instead of a lovesick teenager. But it seemed that those guardrails hadn’t been enough, and now, with the clarity of a couple of weeks of distance, Charlie could see that the same pattern had been there the whole time.

Like most people who experience a romantic loss – and Charlie was willing to concede that even though he and Scott nowhere close to an actual couple, he was mourning as if he’d had a bad breakup – he knew it was time to focus on himself and remember what brought him joy outside of potential relationships. After the week of physical sickness and the following weeks of heartache and shame, he was ready to attempt to move past things. There were positive ways of coping, after all. He had started running more frequently, getting quick 30 minute jogs in before work on Tuesdays and Thursdays, in addition to his long Sunday runs, and had quickly recognized the way it improved his capacity for patience with students like Sophie and the tedium of being in a highly-regulated industry. He vowed to reconnect with some friends from his master’s degree counseling program that had lapsed over the last year, meeting up with Tara and Otis for drinks a couple of times. And he’d reached out to Elle, one of his best friends from his college years, who still lived in Philadelphia and had since gotten married to Tao, another member of Charlie’s college friend group. 

Reconnecting with Elle and Tao was easy; they had been some of his closest confidants throughout his four years at Hopkins University. Staying up until 3am, draped across Elle’s dorm room couch in a pile of intersecting limbs, studying for finals; sharing Pat’s cheesesteaks on the art museum steps and watching the sun set over Boathouse Row; taking unplanned trips to New York City just because they were young and newly independent and wanted to see if they could get last minute tickets to a Broadway show. It had been five years since they all graduated, and they’d kept in enough touch that a text message out of the blue from Charlie was met with delight instead of confusion.

[Charlie Spring] Ellllleeeee Argent!!!

[Elle] OMG Charlie! Good to hear from youuuuuu.

[Charlie] Yes! It’s been too long! How are you, how is Tao, tell me what’s happening in your life!

Charlie could see that Elle was typing, but given the broadness of his questions and the amount of time it had been since they last connected, he tossed the phone onto his bed and got to work tidying up instead of waiting for a quick response. As he mindlessly folded his clothes and matched socks to each other and set aside a pile of button-up shirts and slacks for ironing, his mind wandered back to his college years.

Like most people’s formative years, there had been high highs and low lows. The sepia-toned memories came to him now, seemingly at random; a mix of sense memories out of chronological order. The sun-dappled walk on the path through the trees he would walk to and from his dorm every day. The smell of the festering goose poop and steamy algae as campus heated up in the late spring and life returned to the formerly frozen ponds that scattered the grounds of campus. The shouts he could hear in the distance from the lacrosse team’s practice as he studied underneath his favorite oak tree, the sun warming the top of his head. The smell of old books in the library and the tentative reminder that it would be closing soon, his groggy gathering of his papers and textbooks into his bag so he could start his trek back to his dorm. A smile over the shoulder and a wink from Nick as Dr. Bradbury mentioned – for the millionth time – that the study of the cosmos was not open to interpretation and was instead held together by fundamental physical laws. A fumbled kiss in the basement of his dorm room while American Idol played in the background, as green eyes met his, filled with desire yet tinged with shame. Cold iced coffees sweating in his hands as he opened his tiny mailbox to find a card from Sahar, wishing him good luck on his upcoming exam. Charlie stood at the corner of his bed, lost in the reverie, clutching a tee shirt to his chest as mixed feelings of warmth, nostalgia, pain, and anticipation flooded over him. 

'God, how has it been five years already?' he thought. He should have kept in better touch with his friends. Maybe, now that a relationship with Scott was out of the question, Charlie should try to reconnect with people in addition to Elle and Tao. His sister, Tori lived in Philadelphia, after all, so he traveled out there a few times a year; it wouldn’t be that hard to be more intentional about his visits and keep connections with the people from his friend group who were close by. A niggling discomfort settled into his stomach as he considered that. Obviously, seeing Elle and Tao would be great; he had actually made plans and visited them a few times over the last five years. But expanding past that opened up some complicated truths that Charlie wasn’t quite ready to think about yet. Amber eyes and lopsided grins worked their way into his mind’s eye and he took a deep calming breath before shaking his head. 'How things ended with Nick aren’t my fault,' he said to himself stubbornly. 'He could’ve done things differently too.' A buzz on Charlie’s phone took him out of his thoughts and he dropped his shirt back into the pile, picking up the phone. He was surprised to see several texts that had gone unnoticed as he had been lost in his memories from the past.

[Elle] We are good! I’m good, Tao is Tao as you know, but good for him. Married life is fun but a little bit intense sometimes. I got a new job working for the Metro Magazine doing editorial design, and Tao is still at the A/V shop but has recently signed on to curate some cinema programs for a few of the museums around town. Super exciting for him!

[Elle] We moved into a new rowhome in South Philly, really close to lots of great bars and restaurants; the next time you come out we’ll have to take you out!

[Elle] We keep in touch with a few people from college; we see Sahar here and there because she lives not far away. Sai is in our trivia league so we see him weekly, and sometimes Nick N. joins as well with him. Do you still keep in touch with any of them?

Charlie read through the texts once, twice, his eyes closing in on Elle’s mention of Nick. He recognized a familiar tightening of discomfort in his stomach at seeing her bring him up so casually.

'Elle doesn’t know about you and Nick,' he reminded himself. 'She’s not fishing for information or insinuating anything.' He re-read the texts again and decided not to make things weird by prying too much about how Nick was doing these days. His heart twisted again as he remembered their last conversation, almost two years ago now, and the shame he felt wash over him for how he handled it all. He picked up the phone and began a response, but Elle texted again before he could send anything.

[Elle] I do feel I need to let you know that we also see Ben sometimes. It’s rare, but you know, same circles in some ways still. I promise we don’t seek him out. 

Charlie felt his heart drop at this new information before coming rushing back into his ears. While everything that happened – and hadn’t happened – with Nick was a secret, Elle and Tao knew all about what happened with Ben, and had been by his side through it all. 'So was Nick,' his brain reminded him, but Charlie squashed that intrusive thought away. He erased what he’d been planning on texting and began responding furiously.

[Charlie] I bet he’s still a grade-A douche in secret but a delight in public.

[Elle] Can confirm. If you hadn’t told us everything, I think we’d actually want to be friends with him. Amazing how people can hide themselves.

[Charlie] Well Ben has always been fantastic at hiding.

[Elle] Oop!

[Charlie] Anyway, I understand. I’m sure if I still lived out there, our paths would cross sometimes as well. You don’t have to avoid him on my account.

[Elle] We would though. 

[Charlie] I know. But it’s been years. He’s probably a different person now. Though some things will probably never change…

[Charlie] Anyway, good to hear you still see Sai and Sahar and Nick! Playing a pub quiz with you all would be…I think quite chaotic, actually.

[Elle] You’d think but it’s so good! I get all the pop culture questions, Tao gets all the arts ones, Sahar and Sai are weirdly knowledgeable about history and geography, and Nick…well you know Nick better than all of us. He surprises us with his range of knowledge and manages to know the answers to any of the ones the rest of us don’t.

Charlie smiled briefly after reading Elle’s assessment of Nick’s trivia skills. It was true, he was a fount of useless yet wide-ranging knowledge. The queasiness returned as Charlie imagined himself among his group of college friends, pressed into a booth in the corner of a dark pub on the cobblestone streets of Old City, drinking Yuengling, laughing loudly at Sai’s animated impressions of the bartenders, singing along sloppily to “Come on Eileen” filtering through the jukebox, meeting warm amber eyes across the table, full of unspoken words. 

'God, I could have had that,' Charlie thought, and the idea of it instantly brought a wave of thick emotion to his throat and a sting of tears pricked his eyes. He might have to actually address his feelings on this, given how strongly these brief mentions of Nick had caused him to respond. 

'I’m just still sad about Scott. I’m conflating two things with each other, like I always do.'

[Charlie] Yeah that sounds about right. 

[Elle] So how is everything for you? Enjoying the guidance counseling life? Anything ever come of that crush you had?

Charlie had forgotten that he’d ever mentioned Scott to Elle, but given that his crush had lasted two years and taken up so much of his mental energy, of course he had brought it up to her at some point. 

[Charlie] Oh, all is good on my end! I love the job; the kids are hysterical but I also weirdly care very deeply about them? And no, no progress on the crush front aside from the fact that he’s seeing someone.

[Elle] Nooo, sorry to hear that. Sounds like he’s an idiot then if he could’ve chosen you and picked someone else.

Charlie laughed humorlessly after reading Elle’s latest text. It gave him no real sense of comfort in relation to the situation with Scott, but it was nice to hear that at least someone found him worthy of affection. 

[Elle] Oh Tao just got in and reminded me that we have a function tonight, so I have to go. But thanks so much for texting me!! Are you coming out this way anytime soon? We would love to see you.

[Charlie] No plans at the moment but talking to you and hearing about all of our old friends has got me in my feelings! Say hi to them next time you see them (unless it’s Ben, in which case sneak some Legos into his shoes). Maybe I’ll see what Tori and Michael have on this summer and plan a visit. 

[Elle] Yes please do! I’m sure everyone would be happy to see you! I’ll see them at the pub quiz in a couple days and will tell them hi for you. Xoxoxoxox!!!!!

Charlie set the phone down with a soft smile. Talking with Elle had always made him feel better back in college, and it seemed that her warmth and encouragement translated even through the screen of his phone. He vowed to be better at keeping in touch, even if he had to set a recurring weekly appointment to FaceTime with her. 

The only down side of talking with Elle – or anyone else from those years, for that matter – were the complicated feelings that arose in him when he heard about Ben or Nick. Well, to be fair, he didn’t have complicated feelings about Ben; as far as Charlie cared, Ben was dead to him and his hard-earned ambivalence was a sign that he had finally well and truly moved on. But Nick Nelson was a different story. Charlie’s feelings toward Nick were certainly complicated, and had grown only more so during their year after graduating from college, when Charlie and Nick had both moved into Center City in apartments about a mile from each other. 

'Am I about to do this?' he asked himself, warily, balling up a pair of socks and tossing them into his drawer. He knew that allowing his mind to wander in Nick’s direction usually left him unsettled and remorseful, opening up a dark cloud that could loom over his psyche for days. He tossed another pair of socks in the drawer and turned quickly toward his door. 

“Isaac, are you here?” he called out into their shared living room. When he got no response, he placed his folded laundry in their appropriate drawers and headed into the living room, humming a nonsensical tune to himself. He walked through the hallway into the dining room and behind the couch toward the kitchen in search of a snack when Isaac shot up from the couch, clutching a book to his chest with wild eyes.

“Jesus Christ!” Charlie hissed, jumping back. He put his own hand to his heart and felt it beating through his chest. “What the hell Isaac?”

Isaac looked similarly surprised. “Sorry!” he gulped. “I think I fell asleep and just had like, a nightmare or something tied to your footsteps behind me!” he said, the color slowly returning to his cheeks. 

“My God, what an entrance,” Charlie muttered, shaking his head with a laugh. Isaac laughed shakily as well. The snack forgotten, he sat down next to Isaac and sighed dramatically. “Isaac, I’m in my feelings,” he whined, looking at his friend with a pouty lip and puppy dog eyes.

“And you’re telling me because…” Isaac asked with a twinkle in his eye.

“Be my emotional support buddy for a bit and then I’ll do anything you want to do afterwards?” Charlie asked, trembling his lips for full effect. 

“That’s a deal in my book,” Isaac said raising his eyebrows suggestively. “I’ve been dying to go to that new Thai place that just opened up.” 

“Yes, absolutely,” Charlie said firmly. “Let’s do it. I’ll whine for an hour and then we can eat pad Thai and drink fruity cocktails on a patio and I’ll be a new man by the time we get home.” 

“Alright then, it’s a date.” Isaac agreed. “So what’s up then, Scott again?” he asked.

“No actually,” Charlie said, settling into their old plaid comfort couch and bringing his long legs up to drape across Isaac’s lap. “I’ve just been texting with my college friend Elle, you remember her?” 

“Yeah of course, she’s married to Tao now, right?” he answered, grabbing a fuzzy green blanket and draping it across his lap and Charlie’s legs.

“Yep. Anyway, in my ‘post-Scott-heartbreak-getting-back-to-myself’ phase that I’ve been in for the last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I haven’t done a great job of keeping in touch with some of the people who used to mean so much to me. Like Elle and Tao,” Charlie explained while Isaac listened on intently. 

“Okay,” he said, nodding encouragingly. “And, is that, does that seem to be a problem?” he asked, unsure of where the angst was coming from. Charlie sighed. 

“No, it’s not that…it turns out they still see a lot of people I was pretty close with. Including Ben.” Charlie said, wrinkling his nose and spitting out the name like it tasted bitter.

“Oh, yes, we hate Ben,” Isaac said nodding firmly. “So you have been thinking about Ben again?”

“No, that’s more of an aside. I don’t care about Ben,” Charlie said flatly. Isaac raised his eyebrows and gave a small frown but didn’t say anything about that. 

“Alright, not following then,” Isaac stated plainly. Charlie chewed on his lip and looked down at his hands in his lap. 

“There’s maybe, uh, like, I guess there’s kind of a story that I haven’t really told you. Or a person, maybe, that I haven’t really told you about,” Charlie stammered. 

“Ooohh,” Isaac said, his jaw dropping in delight. “Charlie Spring has been holding out on me! Do tell!”

“Well, the thing is, it’s like,” Charlie huffed, darting his eyes around the room as he gathered his thoughts. “It’s like, both a complete non-story as well as maybe the most important one? At the same time?” He glanced up to meet Isaac’s eyes hesitantly.

“Okayyy, nice and vague for me,” Isaac said with a roll of his eyes.

“So, okay. Um, do you remember meeting my college friend Nick? Nick Nelson?” Charlie asked. Isaac’s eyes narrowed slightly in confusion and the corners of his mouth turned upward as he considered.

“Toothbrush Nick, how could I forget? He was your friend throughout, yeah? In the honor’s college with you and Elle?” 

“Yeah, that Nick,” Charlie said, nodding. Isaac’s eyes raised.

“There’s more to the story with Nick?” Isaac said, eyes widening with excitement. “Wasn’t he like, super hot, if I remember correctly?” 

“Uhhm, yeah, I suppose, yes. Depending on what you like?” Charlie said, his cheeks warming with a blush. Nick was objectively super hot, but Charlie had always been more drawn to emotional connections than physical ones.

“Did you and Nick have a thing then?” Isaac asked, leaning forward. “Why hadn’t you told me?”

“No, no,” Charlie said, shaking his head back and forth. “We were just friends. But,” he stopped himself, searching Isaac’s eyes for any dawning understanding.

“Friends with benefits?” he asked.

“No, nothing like that!” Isaac looked a bit disappointed with that news and leaned back into his reclining position.

“Okay then you’re going to have to spell it out for me, I’m not getting the issue here babes.”

Charlie huffed out another sigh and wrung his hands together, then took a fortifying breath.

“Okay. So Nick and I were friends from the beginning – we hit it off before college even started on that special honor’s college trip. And, to be honest, I liked him on and off throughout the entirety of college,” Charlie confessed quietly. Isaac nodded, motioning for him to keep going. “But then I met Ben and got, I guess you could say I got distracted. Well, you know what happened.” 

“Ahh,” Isaac said, nodding with understanding. “So you had liked Nick but then Ben came along and fucked with you for the next four years.” 

“Yes, exactly,” Charlie said, finally feeling like he was getting somewhere. “Except, there were times during those four years when Ben and I were secretly off again – instead of secretly on-again, hah, so who cares anyway – but when I was emotionally thinking that Ben and I weren’t going to happen or were broken up or whatever, I always kind of felt like the fog was lifted, and Nick was always there again,” Charlie said.

“Did he like you back?” Isaac asked. It was an obvious question, really, but very hard to answer. Charlie searched his memory for any concrete information to share. Smiling amber eyes. The two of them lying next to each other in his dorm room, scribbling in their textbooks quietly. The slightly narrowed eyes as Charlie leapt to answer the phone and giggled a soft hello to an unknown caller. 

“I-I honestly don’t know. Maybe? Like,” Charlie huffed and started again. “Like, my rational brain, several years removed, thinks that maybe he did. At least at certain points. Just like I liked him, at certain points. But I never really knew that he liked me in the moment, you know? I maybe wondered a couple times,” Charlie trailed off, his eyes growing unfocused as he remembered gentle hands around his injured ankle and grins that lasted a moment too long. “It mostly felt like he was a good friend. But, I don’t trust myself or my memories from that time because I was so far up Ben’s ass that I just had no awareness of anyone else. My entire body was constantly poised to receive even the tiniest crumb from Ben that I probably missed all sorts of legitimate experiences from people around me,” Charlie said, picking obsessively at a thread sticking out of one of the rips on his jeans. 

Isaac was nodding now, understanding better the complexity of Charlie’s feelings. 

“I’m still not sure why you’re so emotionally angsty about this right now. Has reconnecting with Elle made you think about Nick?” he asked. “If you were good friends, why don’t you just reach out, like you did with her?”

“Yeah, that would make sense, wouldn’t it,” Charlie said humorlessly. “Except, there’s a little more that I still haven’t gotten to,” he said, looking a bit guilty. 

“Alright then, go ahead,” Isaac prodded. “Now that I know you never kissed I just want you to get on with it.”

“So far I’ve been talking about when we were actually in college together, in the same dorms and classes and everything. But after we graduated, we each moved into apartments in Center City, about a mile away from each other.” 

“Right, your ‘Apartment of Broken Furniture and Shattered Dreams’” Isaac said, nodding knowingly.

“Yes, that hell-hole,” Charlie affirmed. “And during that year, I had finally, officially and seriously ended things with Ben for good. So it was an interesting time for me, because there’s already so much change your first year out of college – I was working a shitty job just for the healthcare, commuting an hour each way, had no money, trying to figure out how to like, manage being a working adult, plus coming to terms with the true extent of myself I’d lost from my years with Ben. I was like, in some ways, a total wreck, but also finally free.” 

“Yeah that first year after graduating sucks for everyone,” Isaac stated simply. “I know literally no one who enjoyed it.”

“Exactly,” Charlie nodded. “So anyway, I was dealing with all of that, but the one bright spot in that time was Nick. It was one of the first times I was emotionally available, and he and I definitely became a lot closer. He lived just a bit away, so we started hanging out a lot more, and like always happened, my crush on him returned in full force.”

“Yeah, if I may,” Isaac cut in, hesitantly, “It almost sounds like you liked him the entirety of your college years but only when convenient for you.” 

Charlie sat with that for a while, feeling the truth of Isaac’s words and trying to keep from being defensive. He didn’t succeed.

“Well if you had a Ben Hope fucking you around you might’ve not made the best decisions either,” he shot back. The two of them glared at each other silently for a second. “Ugghhhh, Isaac. Sorry. But truly, I wasn’t jerking Nick around. I have no idea if he even ever liked me back until that last year.”

“Okay so you guys did eventually have something then?” Isaac asked. Once again, Charlie wasn’t sure how to answer it. Had they? Why was it so hard for Charlie to view his relationships with Nick objectively?

“I don’t knoowww,” he wailed pitifully. “So during that final year, I really liked him. And I thought he maybe liked me too. But by then we’d been friends for so long, it felt really scary to address it, at least to me. And, I was aware that I’d been a bit back and forth with him over the years, and I didn’t want to, like, possibly do that again, where as soon as Ben was gone, I was back to Nick. I was trying to be mature and let myself just heal for a bit instead of jumping into anything. But I did really like him.” 

“Alright, fair enough. I can see how you’d be torn about what to do,” Isaac conceded.

“Okay, so fast forward. Nick and I spent a lot of time together that year, hanging out in ways that were new to us; like we would go to dinner and then a movie; we went to microbreweries and shared flights of beer; we spent days at the art museum, even hung out with Tori and Michael pretty regularly.” 

“Sounds like you were dating, mate,” Isaac said. 

“Yeah, it kind of felt like we were dating, but without any physical affection or clarity. Meanwhile in the background, the rest of my life was shit and I had been contemplating moving back home.”

“Uh-oh,” Isaac said, realizing where the story was headed. “You moved back and you and Nick never talked about it?”

“…sort of?” Charlie said meekly, afraid to look Isaac in the eye. 

“Sort of? I mean, to me, it sounds like you both liked each other for years and circumstances got in your way, you started platonically dating, and then you left. Did you never talk about it with him?” Isaac asked incredulously.

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship! Like I had with other boys I’d liked so many times before! I was trying to be realistic!” Charlie defended. “Plus, we kind of did talk about it eventually,” he added on quietly. Isaac gave a deep, resonant sight at this information.

“Please finish Charlie, there’s obviously more to this story.”

“Uhm, yeah. He kind of…um,” Charlie stopped, thinking back to his final conversations with Nick, almost two years ago. “Well, I moved. As you know. I had tried, in the months leading up to moving back, to be as obvious about my crush as possible to see if anything might happen. I wanted it to, but I was so scared of putting it all on the line. And he never did anything overt to let me know he felt the same.”

“Aside from spending all of his free time with you, paying for dinner dates, and emotionally supporting you during a rough time,” Isaac said. 

“Yes, aside from that,” Charlie said flatly. “Look, there are reasons I’ve never told anyone about this and it’s because I sound like a total dick who took advantage of a very good person, and in the process, lost one of the most meaningful relationships I’ve ever been in, okay, so spare me the guilt trip. I know.”  Charlie said, his voice clipped.

“I get that,” Isaac said, his voice similarly challenging. “But you are telling me and I’m responding. Sorry that my clarifying questions are annoying, but you seem to be working through something and I’m trying to give you my honest impression of things.”

Charlie closed his eyes and took a slow breath in and out through his nose. “I know, sorry. It’s just, a lot in my head right now to even talk about it and I feel like you’re judging me.”

“I’m not. Please continue; I feel like you’re getting to the meat of it all now,” Isaac glanced at his watch, “half an hour later.” Charlie stuck his tongue out at that. 

“Nick and I stayed in pretty close contact for a while after I moved back here. We texted all the time, occasionally FaceTimed, et cetera. But, emotionally, I had closed myself off to the possibility for anything romantic with him. I told myself that if he had liked me, he’d had a chance to tell me, and he never did. So when I moved, I closed the door on that idea, like I had so many times over the years. I really tried to commit fully to my new life.” 

“Yeah, I get that. Starting a long-distance relationship right after you moved away would’ve felt a bit ridiculous,” Isaac said.

“Yeah. So anyway, we kept up our friendship for a while, but then everything kind of came to a head one night about two years ago.” 

“Okay, spill it then, I’m ready,” Isaac said, pretending to eat a few kernels of popcorn.

“Well, he was drunk,” Charlie started. 

“A good way to start,” Isaac said with a giggle.

“At this point you and I were living together, and I had had a crush on Scott for a few months. And instead of just noticing Scott from afar, we’d started actually hanging out and becoming real friends.” 

“And you told Nick about him?” Isaac asked, looking like he dreaded the answer. 

“I did,” Charlie answered, grimly. Isaac put both hands to his face, covering his eyes, and took a long, slow inhale, shaking his head back and forth slightly. 

“Oh Charlie…” he said through his hands. “Let me guess, Nick was upset?”

“I think he was, yeah,” Charlie responded again. “He didn’t say it in so many words, but yeah, I think he was upset.”

“And then what happened,” Isaac asked, gently. He could tell this was what the entire story had been building toward.

“So, he had been out with friends that night and gotten home. He was drunk, and he drunk texted me. And he basically told me that—” Charlie stopped abruptly and looked at Isaac, deciding to reframe his words. “He basically confessed that he had feelings for me. Quite directly.” Charlie whispered. Isaac let out a long whistle.

“What did you do?” he asked, hanging on every word. Charlie squeezed his eyes closed.

“I, honestly, I really really fucked up,” he answered. Isaac’s eyes grew wide. 

“I need more than that!” he said intensely. Charlie’s eyes were still closed. 

“I can’t say, I feel terrible about it,” he said, shaking his head. “I promise I’ll tell you eventually, but let’s just say that we haven’t spoken since that night. And I deleted his number from my phone in the aftermath. He probably blocked me anyway. And since then, I think he’s gotten a new phone, he’s not ever really been on social media, and I don’t really have any way to contact him.”

“Woowwww,” Isaac said. “What did you say?”

“I really don’t want to talk about the specifics,” Charlie said. “But it’s bad enough that it ended a seven year friendship.” They sat in silence together for a few minutes, both lost in their thoughts. 

“So, can I ask for maybe the third time now, why you’re revisiting this all now?” Isaac said. Charlie contemplated his answer. How honest could he be with himself? He wasn’t sure if he trusted himself to see things clearly.

“Well, I’m not exactly quite sure,” he started, fiddling again with the threads poking out of the rip in his jeans. “The easy answer is that hearing from Elle that she sees Nick sometimes has brought it all back to me, so I’ve just been thinking about him and everything that happened,” he said. “And, obviously, he was one of the best friends I’d ever had, and I miss him. But—” he stopped short.

“But?” Isaac prodded, nodding at Charlie.

“I probably did a fair bit of damage to him. Definitely in our last conversation,” Charlie remembered with a shudder, “and potentially for years before that. And I’m having a hard time trying to figure out if trying to reconnect is just another selfish move on my part. Like, obviously it’s selfish – I would love not to have this lingering unresolved conflict hanging over my head all the time. But then I wonder if I’m doing the exact same thing as always, because now that Scott isn’t interested, I suddenly remember Nick and want to reach out? Like, that sounds terrible. And I don’t know how to figure out my own intentions, and whether I can even attempt a friendship with him without fucking it up again. Like, I can’t just traipse back into his life after a year of silence and say, ‘Things with Scott didn’t work out – want me to pop back into your life again?’”

“Yes, that would be particularly shitty of you,” Isaac confirms. 

“But the other part of me feels like Nick is, almost like, ‘the one that got away’ for me. Except we never actually dated or anything. But, I’ve liked him on and off for half a decade, and maybe I owe it to myself and to him to genuinely give things a shot,” Charlie ended his statement as if it were a question and looked at Isaac for feedback.

“Well, one thing you haven’t seemed to consider is that Nick might not want that,” he stated plainly. “Maybe he’s in a relationship himself now. Or genuinely unwilling to try with you after everything.” Charlie chewed on his lip as he pondered that, realizing, once again, how selfish he’d been in not even considering that Nick hadn’t just put his life on hold for two years, waiting for Charlie to return to him. 

“That would be a very reasonable assumption,” he said, letting himself dwell on the thought of Nick happily engaged in a loving relationship with someone else. Suddenly, a terrible thought crossed his mind and his hands flew to his mouth. “Am I Nick’s Ben?” he cried out.

“Come again?” Isaac asked, clearly startled by Charlie’s sudden intensity.

“Oh my god…I am. I am Ben to Nick. I’ve fucked him around for years, only thinking of myself. He had to finally cut me off to move past it.” Charlie said, his eyes widening as he met Isaac’s across the couch. 

“Well, there are some key differences between you and Ben, like the whole ‘intentionally emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive’ part, but…maybe at a very high level, Nick has been held back by you,” Isaac considered.

“Okay that settles it,” Charlie said with finality. “I am not going to try to get back in contact with him. Can you imagine if I randomly got a call from Ben out of the blue? I’d be livid.”

“As would I,” Isaac said with a chuckle. “So, if I may, a little suggestion?” 

“Yeah, of course,” Charlie said, scrambling up into a seated position, looking for any sort of insight Isaac might be able to provide.

“You’re still relatively fresh off your, I guess I’d call it your heartbreak with Scott, so maybe it’s not the best time to make a big decision related to your relationship, or lack thereof, with Nick. Maybe give it some time, do other things to get back to yourself, and do a bit of self-reflection? Revisit some of those college years and try to see it through a new lens, instead of clouded with memories of Ben, and see if that answers any of your questions about whether reaching back out to Nick would be welcomed or hurtful? Who knows, maybe he’d be thrilled to hear from you?” Charlie nodded along as Isaac spoke, turning the idea over in his head.

“Like, try to figure out if I really like him for who he is or if he’s always just been a fallback for me,” Charlie asked, putting it as plainly as he could.

“That’s one way of saying it. Another way is, ‘trying to figure out if it was always meant to be Nick and Ben was the interloper instead of the other way around.' I mean, being close friends and liking someone on and off for seven years is somewhat noteworthy, and who knows, maybe you two are destined to be together if you can get out of your own way?” Isaac suggested with a shrug. “I mean, I’m just hearing this all for the first time, and you’ve been a bit cagey about what actually ended your relationship, but maybe you’re soulmates and need to find your way back to each other?”

Soulmates. Charlie considered the word. He doubted that; things would have been smoother if that were the case. Soulmates meant ease, inevitability, magnetism. Nothing between him and Nick had been like that, he didn’t think. Though perhaps if Ben hadn’t been a part of the whole equation, an unfortunate third party in Charlie’s psyche during much of the time he’d known Nick, things would have gone differently. 

Charlie pondered those thoughts as he and Isaac finished up at their apartment and headed to the new Thai restaurant. Just as they had hoped, they were seated in the covered patio, overgrown with ivy climbing the terrace, tendrils of bougainvillea woven throughout with bright purple and pink flowers that matched the tropical flowers tucked into their fruity cocktails. Charlie’s gin, lavender, and pineapple cocktail loosened his jumbled thoughts, and the conversation meandered throughout the evening between Nick and Elle and his college years and Ben, horror stories about comma splices in the books Isaac was editing, the time Charlie was hit with a raw egg smack in the middle of chest one day during a school meeting in the commons, a mutual high school friend who had recently had twins (“Ew,” - Isaac), and Isaac’s dick boss. 

“So, I can tell you’re thinking about everything with Nick in the background right now,” Isaac said during a lapse in their ambling conversation.

“A bit,” Charlie confessed. “Sorry I’m not better company.”

“No, it’s fine. I was just going to say, since you’re curious but unsure about whether you should try to get in touch with him or not, what about some good old fashioned snooping? You guys were in the same friend group, I’m sure you could find out how he’s doing from Elle or any of the other people you went to college with,” Isaac suggested with a shrug. Charlie considered for a few moments, wondering how he would ask how Nick was doing without causing any of his friends to wonder why Charlie didn’t just ask Nick directly. The thought of anyone else knowing that he and Nick weren’t on speaking terms caused a pressing feeling in Charlie’s chest that made him have to pause to catch his breath. 

“I don’t know, it almost seems worse to snoop than it does to just like, send him a message and see what happens. He could choose not to reply if he didn’t want to…” Charlie said, poking at his glass noodles with a chopstick, tucking an errant curl back into place. “He probably wouldn’t see my message, anyway,” Charlie said, thoughtfully, taking a bite of the spicy noodles. 

Isaac shrugged in response. “Yeah, hard to know what to do in this case,” he said, trailing off, taking a bite of the last spring roll. 

Charlie continued to think about reaching out to Nick throughout the rest of their dinner, on their way back to home, and when he was settled on his back, head propped on his favorite pillow, waiting for sleep. He opened up Instagram and navigated to Nick’s profile; it was the same as it had looked years ago: a blank profile picture, a handful of photos last updated shortly after they graduated college, the most recent one was a black of white photo of his dog Nellie walking down a trail toward a line of trees from three years ago. Charlie had seen that photo hundreds of times over the years, but couldn’t help trying to enlarge it and see if there was anything he’d missed in his previous viewings. It was hard to tell if it had been a bright and sunny morning or a cloudy afternoon when it was taken. Nellie was small in the distance, the trees looming behind her. Nick wasn’t in the photo except for the tiniest edge of his shoe in the bottom right corner, caught as he walked toward Nellie and snapped the picture. Charlie sighed with frustration; it gave him nothing. He opened up his messages and scrolled through to the first time they’d ever messaged each other, way back seven years ago, after they’d already been friends for a couple of years but before they had graduated. 

CFSpring: Alright, it’s official! 

Nnelsonnzzz: So glad I don’t have to wonder if we’re really friends anymore.

Charlie couldn’t bring himself to read all of their messages over the years; one, it would take forever, and two, it would be too depressing. A simple glance at the date and Charlie could immediately recognize his headspace when he sent it. It would have either been when he was crushing on Nick (messages were frequent and full of emojis) or when he was caught up in Ben, again (messages were rare, instigated by Nick, and Charlie was brief and generally sarcastic). 'God, if he actually liked me back then, I was such a dick to him…'Charlie thought. He scrolled all the way down to their last message. 

CFSpring: So tomorrow? City Tavern?

Nnelsonnzzz: Yep. 6?

CFSpring: Ya. I’m in a bit of a mood today so get ready.

Nnelsonnzzz: Born ready x. 

CFSpring: 😘

It was from the year they were platonically dating, as Isaac had put it earlier. Charlie remembered that he’d woken up determined that he was going to flirt with Nick until he made a move. And if Nick didn’t make a move, Charlie was going to move back to Indianapolis - he’d been applying to grad schools for the last few weeks and had had an interview for a pretty amazing assistantship a couple days before that went really well. He’d decided that if it was offered to him, he would take it. He hadn’t mentioned any of this to Nick yet, because he’d also decided if, by some miraculous coincidence, Nick decided that today was the day he’d make his feelings known, Charlie would stay and start looking for graduate programs in Philly. 

'No pressure, Nick ,' Charlie muttered to himself, recognizing for the first time the way he’d given Nick a pass/fail test without telling him.

He remembered that night; giggling over beers, raised eyebrows over the top of his pint glass, Nick’s pinkened cheeks as he watched Charlie’s Adam’s apple bob with a swig of his IPA. His heart pounding as he watched Nick stammer and wipe his hands on his jeans before casually slipping his arm around the back of Charlie’s barstool, occasionally touching his shoulder in a way that could’ve been an accident. Charlie had been sure that night that Nick was meeting his flirting with his own, but they were both nervous, engaged in a dangerous game of chicken that neither was sure the other was playing. When they had gotten back to Charlie’s apartment afterwards, Charlie stood in the doorway, blinking up at Nick. He had looked so handsome, the streetlight behind him framing him in a golden light, causing his hair to glow. Charlie was tipsy after a few beers, and grabbed Nick’s bicep to steady himself.

“Thanks for hanging out tonight,” he’d said, softly, feeling the fluttering of nerves in his stomach.  

“Anytime,” Nick had answered, taking a step closer. Charlie took a deep breath and looked into Nick’s eyes; he was met with a mix of warmth and hesitation, like he was being asked a silent question. Charlie held his breath and held the eye contact, noticing Nick’s chest rising and falling faster than it should have been beneath his gray shirt. Charlie licked his lips and then suddenly, a car alarm sounded loudly from the street behind them, breaking the spell.

“Shit!” Charlie said, jumping backwards and clutching his chest. Nick did the same, shaking his head dazedly and bringing his hand up to rub the back of his neck.

“Interesting timing,” Nick said softly, almost to himself. 'Wait, what did that mean?' Charlie’s brain asked before Nick cleared his throat and spoke again after a labored inhale. “Uh, well, I have an early morning, so I should probably head back,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and looking down at his scuffed black Vans. 

“Right, yeah, me too,” Charlie said shakily, nodding and stepping back through the threshold into the fluorescent lighting of his depressing apartment. Nick turned to go with his hands in his pockets, his shoulders slumped downward. Charlie was offered the scholarship in Indianapolis the next day. He considered giving Nick one more chance with another over-the-top platonic date, but remembered all of the ways he’d held himself back over the last four years, waiting for Ben to finally commit to him, and accepted it with hot tears in his eyes. 'I can’t delay my life for a relationship that might never happen.'

Charlie shook his head, coming out of his reverie, and glanced down at the phone that had gone dark in his lap.

'What the hell, I don’t have anything to lose .' He composed a quick message and hit send before he could change his mind.

CFSpring: NICK NELSON. Blink once if you’re still alive.

He tossed his phone on his side table, flopped onto his back, pulled the covers over his head and squeezed his eyes shut. This would be a problem for Tomorrow Charlie.

Chapter Text

Chapter Three

Turns out, sending that unprompted and unplanned text to Nick wasn’t a problem for Tomorrow Charlie. When he woke up and blearily navigated back to his and Nick’s DMs, the message was unread. Charlie wasn’t surprised; he really suspected that Nick had completely abandoned social media over the years, but he was still disappointed. He checked the thread countless times throughout that first day, but the status never changed. 

After a couple of days, Charlie decided that reconnecting with Nick would happen if it was supposed to, and instead of using Nick the way he had for so many years - to get over a crush-gone-wrong - he might have to actually do the healthy thing and try to move on with his life. 

“Ahem, I have an important announcement to make,” Charlie said one morning as he stepped into the kitchen where Isaac was stirring milk into his cup of coffee absentmindedly. Isaac glanced up from the book he was reading.

“Good morning to you too. I’m all ears,” he said dryly, continuing to read.

“I am entering a new era; my Self-Discovery Era.” Charlie said, opening his arms widely and giving Isaac a winning grin. 

“Oh. Is this going to last longer than your Vegan Era? Or maybe it’ll be as long as your Freelance-Musician Era?” Isaac teased. Charlie’s face dropped.

“How dare you,” he said flatly. “You’re supposed to support me.” He poked his tongue out at Isaac and flopped down next to him, stealing a bite of his toast. Isaac swatted his hand away.

“Go on, what does your Self-Discovery Era contain? Taking painting classes at the local community college? Signing up to volunteer at the soup kitchen? Eliminating toxins from our cleaning products? Therapy?” Isaac guessed. 

“Well, not all of those,” Charlie said frostily. “But I was thinking of adopting a couple of new habits, yes.” 

“And what might those be, hm?” Isaac asked, finally setting his book down and turning to look at Charlie. 

“I’ve been thinking about what you said, that I should go back through some of my memories from college to see if maybe…I’ve always been a bit of a self-centered prick?” Charlie sounded nervous, and Isaac’s eyes softened. 

“I don’t think you’ll find that to be true, Carlie,” he said. “I do think it’s possible you were up your own ass a bit during that time, but that’s what college is for!  Plus, you have a great excuse with Ben.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Charlie said, drumming his fingers on the table in front of him nervously. “But I am wondering if I’ve been a bit emotionally stunted by all of it. And for years I’ve felt so stupid about letting Ben dictate my life, so I’ve like, actively repressed revisiting those memories. God, you remember what I was like right when I moved back. I left everything and everyone I knew in Philly with such short notice and never glanced back.”

“Yeah, I suppose that is kind of true,” Isaac said, recollecting. “You really threw yourself into grad school. At the time I thought you were just weirdly passionate about reading up on EMDR, but maybe it was more than that?” 

“I think so, yeah. I mean, school was a great distraction, and I did - I do - really enjoy my job now. But maybe it was a bit like, running away from my problems? Refusing to reflect and grow?” Charlie shrugged. “Either way, for some reason, it’s all coming back to me now, and maybe instead of squashing the memories and feelings down, I should like, engage with them?” Charlie asked hesitantly. Isaac nodded simply.

“Maybe so, yeah,” he offered, taking a sip of his coffee. They sat in friendly silence for a second while Charlie considered.

“I have - well, I did, they’re probably packed away somewhere, but I did have a bunch of journals from those days,” he said quietly. “I thought maybe a good first step would be reading through them? To jog my memory a bit and get into the right headspace?”

“Oof, I would not want to read my college journals,” Isaac said, shaking his head back and forth resolutely. “Too many depressing realizations. But knock yourself out!” he said with an animated shudder. Charlie chuckled, trying to imagine Isaac’s college journals.

“I’m sure it’ll be super-embarrassing, but seems as good a place as any to start?” Charlie shrugged and looked at out the window next to their dining room table, seeing the magnolia tree across the street with its giant white and purple blooms that were starting to brown on the edges. The sidewalk underneath was littered with trampled flowers. “I’ve also gotten in touch with my old therapist,” he confessed, not looking at Isaac. 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah, I saw him for a couple years in high school when I was - well, you know. Dealing with a few things.” Isaac nodded, and Charlie knew he didn’t have to say more. “Anyway, Geoff is his name, and he’s agreed to see me again, so I actually start that again on Tuesday.”

“Good for you, mate,” Isaac said encouragingly. “That’s a big step.” 

“Yeah,” Charlie echoed, fiddling with a napkin and tearing it gently into tiny squares, which he piled up on the corner of the table. “AND, I’m going to try to expand my friend group here!” he said, finally smiling. “I figure with the therapy and the trips down memory lane, I may need to blow off steam. So you wanna become a part of my new Indianapolis Menace Squad? I’m thinking it’s you, me, my friends Tara and Otis from grad school, plus Darcy and maybe Scott from work,” Charlie listed off, counting the people on his fingers. “Plus his…boyfriend? Beau? Whatever you’d call that.”

“Why ever would you include Scott and his boy toy in this exclusive group?” Isaac asked, wrinkling his nose. “Seems like a recipe for heartache.”

“Well, I thought if I saw them in a group socially, it might help me move past the feelings without ending the friendship. Because I do like having a work friend and don’t want to make it seem like, weird if I suddenly stop hanging out with him?”

“Yeah, I suppose. Just check in with yourself. Don’t make it harder than it has to be,” Isaac warned. “It’s also okay to just, be sad, and not try to move past it so quickly.”

“Yeah, good point. But, it’s already been a few weeks and I think I actually have let myself be kind of mopey. I’m ready to take some active steps,” Charlie said confidently. 

He activated his Menace Squad a couple weeks later, deciding to invite everyone over to his and Isaac’s apartment a few weeks later for a barbeque to celebrate the beginning of warmer weather. It wasn’t anything formal, but he had high hopes that everyone from his different circles - grad school, work, and his personal life - would get along. Luckily, he and Isaac had been each other’s plus ones over the last couple of years for various social events, so most everyone knew at least a few people at the party. Except for Scott’s date, who Charlie emphasized was more than welcome to come when he brought up his party to Scott and Darcy at dismissal one afternoon. 

It had been an overcast day, and as Charlie walked to his car after work he noticed Scott and Darcy were both on dismissal duty, huddled next to each other, Scott rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet while Darcy took small hops up and down to keep warm. More than a month had passed since Charlie had found out that Scott was seeing someone, and he’d done his absolute best to keep his interactions with Scott the way they were before, both to keep Scott from feeling uncomfortable around him and to squash any whispers amongst the staff who would’ve noticed a change in his behavior. True, he didn’t go out of his way to sign up for the same cafeteria duty shifts as Scott, and he didn’t linger as much during drop-off and dismissal when they saw each other, but aside from that, he thought he was pulling it off pretty well. He did an about face and jogged lightly over to Scott and Darcy, nodding in acknowledgement as they turned to see him approaching.

“Hey guys,” he said, stopping a couple feet away. “Crummy day for dismissal duty.” They both nodded coldly, blowing into their hands.

“Hi Mr. Charlie, guidance counselor extraordinaire,” Darcy said, her rosy pink cheeks matching her pink and green knit hat.

“So, I figured since I’ve been at this school for almost two years and lived in Indy now for twice that, it’s about time I had people over to my place,” Charlie said, cutting straight to the chase due to the cold wind whipping his curls madly around his head. Both Darcy and Scott’s eyebrows shot up and they glanced at each other so quickly Charlie wasn’t sure it had really happened.

“Oooh, we love a party,” Darcy said with enthusiasm, wiggling her shoulders. “When, what, give me all the deets!” Scott’s hands were in his pockets as he looked on, a faint smile on his face.

“Well, you guys have met Isaac, my roommate. We decided to have a little barbecue and bring some people together since it’s finally warming up,” Charlie said. At that, all three of them glanced up at the gray, blustery sky and let out shaky laughs. “Anyway, I wanted to see if you guys wanted to come? I’ll have a few friends from my grad school days there too. Just a casual hang, but deep down I’m hoping that this is kick-starting my Season of Fun,” Charlie said with a little giggle, doing jazz hands. 

“Sounds fun,” Scott said with an encouraging nod. Charlie took a deep breath and plowed forward.

“Yeah, it’ll be great. I’m keeping it a bit small at first because our apartment is literally the size of a postage stamp, but feel free to bring your plus one,” he said directly to Scott with what he hoped was a warm smile. He saw the smile on Scott’s face falter slightly as he snuck a peek at Darcy, whose eyebrows raised into her hairline. 

“Oh,” he stammered. “Yeah, okay. Sure, I’ll ask him. I mean -” Scott looked at Charlie curiously. “If you’re sure that’s okay? I don’t have to bring him.” Charlie put on a winning smile and reached his hand out to rest on Scott’s forearm in what he hoped would be received as a reassuring gesture. 

“Definitely bring him, I’d love to meet him,” Charlie smiled. Scott seemed to relax, and the small bit of tension Charlie had felt between them thawed slightly. Darcy caught it too and started bouncing in place again. 

“A kick-off to the Charlie Spring Season of Fun! How do I get invited to all of these events?” She asked with a grin. 

“You just have to come and be on your best behavior,” Charlie joked, sticking his tongue out at Darcy, which she returned with a raspberry. “Anyway, it’s frigid out here, so I’ll leave you two to your very important dismissal duty while I jump in my warm car and drive home. I’ll text you the details! No need to bring anything, but if you really feel the need, this is more of a beer and burgers situation than wine and cheese,” Charlie said, clapping Scott on the shoulder and winking at Darcy before he jogged back to his car. 

He grinned the whole way back, proud of himself for initiating a social event and navigating the complex waters of letting Scott know he was going to be okay. It seemed that, as long as Darcy was there to be a buffer, Charlie and Scott would be able to get past the awkwardness that had fallen over them the last month and move on with a platonic friendship. 

____________

Charlie tamped down the butterflies in his stomach as he pulled into the parking lot of Riverside Counseling. He was immediately transported back to the last time he’d been here, more than ten years ago as an awkward sixteen year old kid; shy and sharp-boned and angsty about the bullying he’d endured after being outed. That Charlie had shown up to counseling snarling and sarcastic, offended by the ‘centering exercises’ and ‘setting of expectations’ and ‘delving deeper’ of it all. But his therapist, Geoff, had been ever-present and steady, slowly speaking the truth to Charlie, that being gay wasn’t his fault; being outed wasn’t his fault; being bullied for who he was as a person said more about the bullies than it did about him. It had taken a while, but eventually those truths seeped into Charlie’s psyche, and he’d begun to see a world where there was an option for a full and happy life in the future, not just one clouded over with shame and heartbreak. Though it had been years since he’d been back in the shaded parking lot and through the doors of the squat brick building with the faded sign, it felt as familiar as if he’d just been there the day before. 

A friendly receptionist welcomed him and showed him back to Geoff’s office, unsurprisingly, not the same one he’d had ten years ago. As Charlie stepped into the cozy room, Geoff stood up behind his large oak desk, which was scattered with a pile of unopened mail, a laptop, and a picture frame with its back facing into the room. Geoff smiled so warmly, his eyes crinkling in the corners behind his glasses, and Charlie couldn’t help the warmth that he felt looking into the face of the man who had made such a huge positive impact on him. 

“Charlie Spring, I was so tickled when I saw your name come across my desk last week,” he said, shaking his head fondly. “You look so well, and I’m so glad to be talking with you today. Please come in and sit,” he said, gesturing to the plaid blue couch across from his desk.

“I’m happy to see you too,” Charlie said, feeling his voice wobble with the lump that was forming in his throat. 'God, I can’t make it two minutes without crying?' He perched on the edge of the couch, fitting his elbows on his thighs and leaning forward, his hands clasped in between his legs as he took the office in. There was a bookshelf, filled with academic textbooks, books on cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR and post-traumatic healing, plus a row of children’s books and a box overflowing with plastic dinosaurs, building blocks and play food. Charlie smiled, wondering if his favorite tie-dyed rainbow fidget spinner was buried in the box somewhere. He could practically feel his fingers spinning it now out of some sort of long-buried physical response to being in Geoff’s presence. 

“I read your intake questionnaire, but I’d love to hear in your own words what led you to reach out about coming in today,” Geoff said, settling back into his chair and pulling out his iPad to take notes. Jumbled thoughts swirled in Charlie’s head as he tried to think of a way to summarize his headspace when he finally called Riverside last week after toying with the idea for days.

“Well, the good news is, it’s more of a therapy tune-up rather than a moment of crisis,” Charlie said with a little laugh. Geoff smiled and nodded, but said nothing. “Honestly, that makes it harder to explain since there isn’t really a pressing issue,” he stammered. “I think - well, I guess I may just talk for a bit and see what ends up coming out?”

“Sure, however you want to get the words out is fine with me,” Geoff said kindly. Charlie took a calming breath and settled back into the couch a bit more, tucking one of his ankles under himself, hugging a yellow throw pillow to his chest. 

“I guess I’m just kind of becoming aware of some patterns I have that I don’t really - well, I don’t really like them about myself. They’re maybe a bit toxic. To me. And I’m realizing, maybe to other people too?” Charlie paused and chewed on his bottom lip. “Toxic is probably too strong of a word…but...well, it might not be. And I like, want to figure out how to stop these patterns before I do them again, and potentially cause problems for myself?” Charlie finally glanced up to peek at Geoff’s and was met with his open face, nodding as he listened, the cap of his pen tapping gently against his closed lips.

“It’s great that you’re able to recognize a pattern that you want to break and also that you were willing to reach out for help to stop it,” Geoff said, affirming. “That takes a certain amount of maturity to open yourself up in that way.” Charlie’s achievement-oriented tendencies preened at the compliment and he tried to hold back his smile. 'We can get to that later,' he thought ruefully.

“Thanks,” he said, hiding a grin.

“Can you say a bit more about the ‘toxic pattern’, as you called it? How does it show up; when does it show up? Why reach out about it now instead of before?” Geoff asked. 

“Hm,” Charlie said, tilting his head to the side as he thought about Geoff’s questions. “Well, it’s related to how I approach romantic relationships. I think I am like, I don’t know why I’m like this, but I always try to hide my intentions, maybe?” Charlie asked, letting that sit for a second as he considered it. “Yeah,” he said, nodding. “Like, I can’t convey to someone that I’m interested in them, romantically speaking, and forget about sexually speaking,” Charlie said, wrinkling his nose, imagining himself trying to make a move on someone physically. He couldn’t picture it. “I have to create these ways to be in proximity, and to become their friend, and ‘get to know them’, and I find myself like, changing parts of myself, and my personality, and my interests, to attract someone. And the whole time, I’m hoping they’ll find me worthy of attention and affection, but the idea of like, straight out showing an interest in someone in that way is terrifying. But I think that, maybe, I need to be a bit more honest with people, sometimes, instead of trying to like, sneak into their hearts?” Charlie laughed at the way he phrased the last part, and Geoff smiled back at him. 

“Maybe a full frontal attack instead of a sneak attack?” Geoff asked lightly. 

“Yeah, something like that. Just like, being open with them, and myself, that I want to just date, and get to know them, with the knowledge between me and him that that’s what we’re doing, instead of just hoping that one day we’ll wake up and realize we’re in love,” Charlie said softly. “I’m not sure why I’ve always imagined that falling in love with my best friend is the way it’s supposed to happen, but I think I’ve always felt like that’s the relationship goal, and people who just like, start dating, without being friends first, don’t have as strong a relationship?” He surprised himself by saying that out loud; Charlie hadn’t realized he felt this way, but as he thought back to relationships he’d looked up to or characters he’d admired in books and movies, they had always happened after years of friendship that somehow caught fire and lead to a drunken make-out or teary confessions. 

“Can I ask if you have a current person you are hoping for this kind of relationship with?” Geoff asked. 

“Erm, no, not really,” Charlie said, feeling like it was an honest answer. “I had been doing that friend thing again with one of my co-workers, but then I found out he was dating someone a couple of months ago and that’s when I kind of realized I’d done it again.” He wondered if he should bring up Nick. He didn’t hope for a relationship with Nick; there was too much history there, too many years of friendship muddled with hurtful words and now, years of silence. But Nick did maybe play into Charlie’s reasons for reaching out to Geoff, if he was honest with himself. “There is another thing that’s maybe a part of this,” Charlie said tentatively, meeting Geoff’s eyes. He was in the process of taking a couple of notes on his iPad but nodded for Charlie to continue. “There’s a guy I was friends with for years, and at different times I think we maybe liked each other on and off; I know I certainly did. But, again, I never said anything to him and instead just kind of…hoped he’d one day wake up to realize he had feelings for me. But he never did, and then I moved away, but he’s been on my mind a bit because things didn’t end super-well with him, and we aren’t even really friends anymore anyway, but I do sometimes wonder if I had figured this out about myself sooner, or gone to therapy and figured out better ways of handling these sorts of situations, maybe things could have gone differently with him.” Charlie let out a frustrated sigh. “That was a lot,” he said nervously. 

“No, not at all, I think it makes sense,” Geoff said. 

“I’ve been thinking about trying to get back in touch with him,” Charlie confessed, picking at the tasseled edge of the throw pillow in his lap. “But part of me feels like I shouldn’t put him through that again.”

“Put him through what, being your friend?” Geoff asked with a furrowed brow. 

“Well, no,” Charlie said, wondering how to classify his relationship with Nick. He didn’t know how Nick felt at all anymore, and he didn’t even know what he himself hoped for if he reconnected with Nick. “We were pretty good friends, but I think maybe we both were hoping the other would realize we had feelings for each other, but we were too scared to say anything about it, so nothing ever came of it. And I’m wondering if reaching back out to him is just taking us back to a place that was maybe a bit hard on him,” Charlie said. “Because I left kind of abruptly at the height of when I liked him, and probably when he liked me. And I wasn’t super nice about it, either. I think I was kind of mad at him for not catching on to what I wanted.” Charlie sighed, thinking about what he’d just said. “Yeah, I was mad he hadn’t done anything to stop me, and I kind of let that annoyance shine through, and probably gave him like, whiplash, because up until a few days before I told him I was going to leave, I had been flirting with him nonstop.” Charlie paused again and shook his head with his eyes closed lightly. “When I say it like that, and remember that I didn’t even tell him I’d been considering moving, or had applied to grad schools out here, or anything, I realize just how much I might have hurt him,” Charlie confessed, sadly. “At the time, I told myself I didn’t know how he felt, so it didn’t matter that I just sprung it on him, but knowing what I know now, that he did like me at that point, it probably really shocked him when I left and made it seem like he didn’t matter to me at all.”

Geoff nodded as Charlie unloaded all of his thoughts about the way he’d left Philadelphia all those years ago, surprising everyone with the abruptness and firmness of his decision. Geoff uncrossed his legs and settled into a new position in his office chair, setting his pen down on his desk. 

“It sounds like you were trying to protect yourself from what you thought might be an uncomfortable and potentially painful situation, but it does sound like - at least to those around you - it seemed like a sudden choice,” he said, reading through his notes as he summarized. “You mentioned earlier that you wished you were more honest about your actual desires when it comes to relationships. If you were going to put aside what Nick might think about you reaching out and the reasons in your own head about why you should or shouldn’t, what do you think your honest desire is with him? Being able to identify a desire and acting are two different choices,” Geoff said, gently.

Charlie fidgeted in his seat, untucking his leg and placing it back on the ground, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands.

“Let me think,” he muttered.

“Take your time,” Geoff said, clasping his hands in his lap and waiting. 

“I think - if I’m being honest - I’ve always kind of regretted the fact that Nick and I never - anything. I regret that I never told him how I felt. I regret that he told me too late. I regret that we never kissed each other to see what that was like. I regret...I regret so much about how I treated him,” Charlie said, feeling his throat getting tight again as he fought back tears. “I honestly sometimes think that…” he stopped short and brought his fists to his eyes, afraid to speak more for fear of what might he might reveal to Geoff, and to himself.

“It’s just me in here, Charlie,” Geoff said kindly.

“But it’s me too,” Charlie wailed. “I don’t know if I can say this out loud, or even to myself. It feels too…vulnerable and scary.” Geoff hummed in response but didn’t say anything while Charlie continued to swipe at the tears that were coming to his eyes.

“I sometimes think that if Ben hadn’t been around, Nick and I would’ve gotten together in our first few weeks of college, and we’d probably be together still, now, happily,” Charlie said, finally giving in and letting the tears flow down his cheeks. He swiped them away, sniffling. “And I sometimes think he waited for me the whole time we knew each other,” Charlie said, a little sob coming out of his mouth with the confession. “I think, deep down, when I remember things, or let myself really feel them, I think I’ve always known how he felt, and I can’t forgive myself for the way I was just so, so cavalier with his feelings. I told myself I was imagining things; that it was all in my head. For months at a time I barely noticed because I was so attuned to what Ben was doing. And when I was paying attention, I told myself it was him who needed to make a move, not me. But I think I always knew,” Charlie said, shaking his head as the tears dripped down his face. “And what does all of this say about me, that I just let this person, a real person, who I considered one of my best friends, feel this way for so long?” Charlie dropped his head into his hands and cried, his shoulders shaking. Geoff stood up from his seat and crossed the room to grab a box of tissues sitting on the edge of his desk. He handed Charlie a couple, which he took quickly to wipe his eyes.  

“I understand that you’re feeling a lot of regret right now,” Geoff said. “I want you to remember that you were younger - we’re talking about things that happened more than six years ago in some cases. And you were engaged in a toxic and manipulative relationship with Ben, which did have real impacts on you. It doesn’t excuse your behavior, but have some grace for 18-year-old Charlie, who was under the thumb of someone like Ben,” Geoff said squeezing Charlie on the shoulder. “Our session is almost over; is there anything else you’d like to talk about before we finish up today?”

Charlie looked up in surprise, sniffling, finally noticing that his hour was almost up. “I guess,” he started, looking around the room for inspiration. “I guess I’m just wondering what I should do about all of this,” he gestured widely in front of himself. Geoff chuckled a little. 

“You know that’s not how this works,” he said with a teasing tone. “Coming here, talking to me about it, is doing something. But if you really want me to give you homework,” he said, trailing off. Charlie, ever the doer, nodded happily at the thought of a way to speed up his healing process. “I’d suggest spending some time over the next week trying to be honest with yourself about what you want. I can tell you feel a lot of guilt and regret about your relationship with Nick. Think about what you might be able to do - something that doesn’t depend on how he responds - to lessen those feelings, whether it’s journaling, revisiting some memories, or even trying to get in touch,” he said gently.

Charlie nodded, trying not to immediately respond to Geoff’s the question with a perfunctory, surface-level answer, determined that he would mull over it and try to figure out what he really wanted. He walked out of Geoff’s office a few minutes later, feeling a bone-weariness that he hadn’t felt in a long time - the result of probing tender emotional bruises, being wrung out, a muddled and lightly throbbing point behind his eyes. But perhaps, if he was willing to put in the work, he could unearth a spark of hope.

____________

The day of Charlie’s barbecue was shaping up perfectly. It was going to be sunny and in the 70s, and all of the members of his self-proclaimed Indianapolis Menace Squad were able to make it. Tara and Otis showed up first, having carpooled together. The three of them had been randomly assigned to a small group during their first semester in grad school, and had chosen to work together whenever they had the chance for the remainder of their program. In addition to being well-aligned academically (as in, none of them were lazy), they also got along really well, and over time began extending their study sessions to include drinks at the local bar and weekend brunches to gossip about their internships.

“Charlieeee!” Tara said excitedly as he opened the door to his apartment. She wrapped him in a warm hug and then stepped back to look at him fondly. “You’re looking good! How’s it been?” Charlie moved aside to let her and Otis in, and Otis clapped Charlie on the shoulder as he slipped off his light spring jacket and hung it by the door.

“Hey mate, how’sit?” he said with a grin. “Nice place.”

“Hey Tara, Otis, thanks for coming! You didn’t have to,” Charlie said, taking the six-pack of Blue Moon that Otis offered him and a plate of lemon bars from Tara. “You guys remember Isaac,” Charlie gestured behind him, where Isaac was headed out their back door with a stack of paper plates and napkins. 

“Hi!” he called over his shoulder. “Be right back!” 

“Thanks for having us Charlie, I’m excited to see your place and meet a few more of your friends,” Tara said with a smile. “Tell us who will be joining tonight?” Charlie ushered them into the living room and offered a Blue Moon to Otis with his eyebrow raised. 

“Cheers,” Otis said, popping off the cap and handing it to Charlie, grabbing another. “Tara?” 

“Nah I’m good, I’ll grab something in a bit,” she said, settling back into the cushions.

“Yeah so, a couple friends from work, Darcy and Scott, should be here any minute now, and I think Scott is bringing a date,” Charlie said, noticing that he didn’t feel any pang of sadness or uncertainty as he said it. Maybe the six weeks of exercise, cooking elaborate meals with Isaac, and playing drums more regularly was actually helping him work through some of his sadness.

“Nice, is Darcy single?” Otis asked, raising his eyebrows a couple of times. Poor guy, he was perennially single. Charlie laughed a bit, deciding between being honest or being a menace. He decided that menace would win out today.

“I actually think she is, yeah,” he said, hiding a grin. 

“Ooh, I like it,” Otis said, tossing back a glug of his beer just as a knock sounded at the door. He jumped up and made his way over. “There she is, should I let her in and sweep her off her feet?” he asked with a grin. 

“Oh, absolutely,” Charlie said, grinning back. Tara looked back and forth between them and gave Charlie a puzzled look.

“What’s so funny,” she whispered to him, her eyes following Otis as he opened the door. “You look like the cat that ate the canary.”

“Honestly, I wish I had a bucket of popcorn for what’s about to happen,” Charlie trailed off, craning his neck to get a better view of Otis at his apartment door.

“Hello, and welcome to Charlie Spring’s apartment,” he heard Otis say, sweeping the front door open grandly. Darcy stood on the other side, her hand still raised from where she was knocking, a small ‘o’ on her mouth. 

“Whaaaat’s up!” she said, recovering from the surprise of the door being yanked open by a stranger. “Who are you?” she asked with a laugh, stepping inside and toeing her shoes off. She brushed past Otis and walked into the middle of the open concept apartment, turning in a full circle. “Better yet, who is she,” she said, pointing obviously at Tara, who watched on with amusement. Charlie stifled a giggle as he saw Otis mentally recalculating and trying to take control of the situation.

“I’m Otis, one of Charlie’s friends from grad school. And that’s Tara, also from grad school,” he followed behind Darcy, trying to get her attention again. “Do you want a beer? Can I get you anything?” Charlie rolled his eyes at this. 

“Otis, you’ve literally just walked into my apartment for the first time, you don’t know where anything is. Hey Darce,” he said, standing and taking her jacket to hang up next to Otis’. He heard more voices in the hall and opened his apartment door again to come face to face with Scott and his date as they approached.

“Oh, hey,” Scott said, surprised by Charlie. Charlie felt his face warm slightly.

“Haha, sorry, I was just hanging up Darcy’s jacket and heard you out here, come on in,” he said, opening the door wider and letting Scott and his date step in. “Hi, I’m Charlie,” he said, offering his hand to the stranger. 

“Yes, Jesse, this is Charlie; he and I work together. Charlie, this is Jesse,” Scott said, gesturing between the two of them. He and Jesse made their way into the apartment and joined Otis, Darcy, and Tara. 

“Hey Darce,” Scott said, smiling at her. “You remember Jesse?” 

Darcy gave a big wolfy grin and beamed back at them. “How could I forget the man that has brought my dear friend Scott out of his shell so quickly.” Charlie noticed a blush rise up Scott’s cheeks as he looked down and stubbed his toe against the carpet. 

“What, Scott, needing to come out of his shell, no way,” Jesse said lightly with a faux gasp. He turned back and winked at Scott. “He was born extroverted.” Scott rolled his eyes fondly and, okay, they were kind of cute together, even Charlie had to admit. 

“Whatever, you two,” he said, hiding a smile. 

“Wait, Jesse? Jesse Armstrong?” Tara asked from the couch, squinting up at him. Jesse turned to look at Tara for the first time since arriving. 

“Oh my god, Tara! I haven’t seen you in years! ” Jesse said, a grin overtaking his face. “How are you?” She jumped up and made her way over to him. Everyone’s eyes followed the two of them, questioning how they knew each other.

“We went to high school together,” Tara said excitedly. “We were proper friends too, but fell out of touch during our college years.”

“I feel like we have so much to catch up on!” Jesse squealed excitedly, grasping Tara’s hands and jumping up and down. The grin on Tara’s face was huge, and Charlie and Scott’s eyes bounced back and forth between the two of them, matching smiles of disbelief on each of their faces.

“So, Darcy,” Otis said, sneaking past the reunion happening in the middle of the room. “Come here often?” he asked with a wink. Just then Isaac stepped back into their living room from outside and took in the scene in front of him.

“Great, we’re all here. I just got the grill going - you guys want to hang out out there? There’s a lot more room,” he said. 

Tara and Jesse headed out first, talking animatedly between the two of them, while Darcy and Scott trailed behind.

“Small world,” Darcy said to Scott, nudging his shoulder with her own. “We should probably join the two of them in case they need anything,” she said, communicating something telepathically with Scott. Charlie had a pretty good idea of what it was and grinned to himself. Getting this group to gel with each other might be a lot easier than he thought. 

The party was a lot of fun; Charlie and Isaac were perfect hosts, keeping the cooler stocked with beers, flipping burgers, queuing the music as the sun set. Scott and Jesse sat on the little floral-print loveseat, Scott’s hand resting gently on Jesse’s knee, while Tara and Darcy sat facing them, gathered around a small portable fire pit, talking animatedly as a foursome. Otis flitted back and forth between shooting the breeze with Charlie and Isaac, and when everyone had enough to eat and drink, they all settled around the fire pit, sharing stories, talking about mutual friends, and discussing their jobs. Charlie was happy; he’d managed to gather people together, the tendril of a new season starting for him, one that included long summer nights, the golden glow of sunsets over the Indianapolis skyline in the background, shared laughter over intimate dinners and game nights at the pub around the corner. He watched as Darcy scooted closer and closer to Tara as the night went on, eyeing Otis to see if he’d picked up on any of the many hints that had been dropped throughout the evening. 

“So, what are you all planning for Spring Break?” Darcy asked, nodding toward Charlie and Scott. Jesse was nestled under Scott’s arm, smiling contentedly as he took a bite of a lemon bar. Darcy had her legs draped across Tara’s lap, now, loosened by the drinks and the cooling air. Tara’s eyes danced under the twinkle lights, sharing shy smiles with Darcy as their eyes met. Otis sat on the other side of Tara, not noticing as she scooted a tiny bit further away from him. 

“I’m still trying to figure it out,” Scott started, glancing briefly at Jesse out of the corner of his eye. Jesse bit his lip and looked down, hiding a small smile. 

“Got something to share with the class, Jesse,” Charlie asked, a flush of boldness overtaking him after his third beer. He watched a blush creep up Scott’s cheeks and Jesse covered his face with his hands.

“What, no! Nothing! Shut up!” he said, muffling his words. 

“Oooh, what are you two getting up to then?” Darcy asked, jaw dropping in exaggerated excitement.

“It’s just a weekend trip,” Scott muttered, patting Jesse’s knee and shaking his head lightly at getting caught hiding their plans. 

“Baby’s first weekend away!!” Darcy crowed, clasping her hands at her heart. “I’m DYING! I can’t take this!” She extended her arms widely, grinning at everyone around her, and pulled Tara into her embrace with one arm. Tara snuggled in with a wide-eyed grin. “And don’t you think of going anywhere,” Darcy said to her seriously, tapping her on the nose. Tara giggled and nodded.

“I am considering visiting Tori in Philly, but I haven’t run it by her yet,” Charlie said, keeping the conversation going. “Shit, I should probably ask her seeing as it’s in…two weeks,” he said, glancing at the date on his watch and giggling tipsily. Isaac rolled his eyes fondly. 

“And what about you, Darcy, got any wild plans?” Otis asked, looking her up and down. Six pairs of eyes swiveled over to him in shock.

“Otis,” Charlie said, pinching the bridge of his nose with two fingers, squeezing his eyes shut, and shaking his head.

“What?” Otis asked, looking back and forth between everyone with confusion. 

"She’s a lesbian!” Tara said loudly and impatiently, gesturing at Darcy’s hand draped across her own shoulder. 

“Wait, what?” Otis said again, head turning wildly to look at Isaac and Charlie, who both started giggling.

“Can confirm,” Charlie said between laughs.

“Total, absolute lesbian,” Darcy affirmed with an exaggerated head nod. 

“Why didn’t any of you say anything before I hit on her all night?” Otis asked, horrified. Everyone burst out laughing.

“Mate, like, I honestly don’t know how you didn’t catch on. She has a shirt on that says, 'I LIKE GIRLS'," ” Isaac said, pointing at Darcy’s shirt. 

“I thought that was a joke!” Otis said, gesturing wildly. Charlie doubled over in laughter and Jesse threw his head back, howling.

“Oh my god,” Tara said, shaking her head in faux sadness. “Poor Otis. How does it feel for your gaydar to be so broken." This brought up another peal of laughter.

“You guys are lucky I have no ego,” Otis said with a pout, standing up and sticking his tongue out, tossing a couple empty beer bottles into the recycling bin in the corner. “I’m getting out of here.” 

“Noooo, don’t leave mad!” Charlie begged, jumping up as well. “We’re just teasing!” 

“Nah, it’s alright,” Otis said with a laugh. “I’m not mad; I was putting all this on anyway. I’ve been seeing this girl from work for a couple weeks but we aren’t exclusive.” He shrugged. “Anyway, it is almost 11 and I am going to head soon if…that’s okay with you Tara?” he asked, looking at her with an unasked question. Everyone in the room seemed to hold her breath and she looked over at Darcy and shared a shy smile.

“Uh,” she started.

“I’ll drive her home,” Darcy cut her off, squeezing her a bit closer, glancing at Tara hopefully. 

“Yeah, sure,” she said, a grin overtaking her face before she could hide it. Otis rolled his eyes. 

“Got it,” he said, turning back toward the apartment. “Thanks for having us, Charlie,” he said. Charlie gave him a big hug.

“You’ll work through the burning shame and come back, right?” he teased. Otis rolled his eyes in exasperation.

“I’m not embarrassed," he said pointedly. “Just tired.”

“I’m actually kind of ready to call it a night too,” Scott spoke up from the loveseat, where he and Jesse were snuggled up. “You ready,” he asked. Jesse just nodded and stood up sleepily. 

“Thanks so much for coming,” Charlie said, as everyone took the cue and stood up, gathering empty paper plates, beer bottles, and dirty napkins as they headed in. “I had a lot of fun and…can we do this again?” he asked hopefully. Everyone nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yes!” Darcy said, “There’s a giant sausage fest in my neighborhood next weekend that is so fun, we should go!” Everyone in the room looked at each other and burst out laughing.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect that coming from you,” Otis said with a snicker. 

“I have all of your numbers - I’ll start a group text,” Charlie said. “Well, except for you Jesse,” he finished hesitantly, looking between Jesse and Scott. 

“Oh, yeah, here I’ll airdrop you my contact,” Jesse said, missing any sort of tension that could have come up in that moment, but luckily, no one seemed to think anything of it. Plus, Charlie had to admit that Jesse was a lot of fun, and brought out a new dimension to Scott. Everyone said their goodbyes, ready to meet up at the Sausage Fest the following weekend, and Charlie and Isaac moved into the kitchen to clean up in companionable silence. 

“Nice party, Charlie, but you know my social capacity is at like a negative fifty after that, so I’ll see you in the morning,” Isaac said, grabbing a glass of water and flicking Charlie on his shoulder as he headed toward his room. 

Charlie turned the lights off and locked his front door, humming to himself a happy little tune as he straightened up the pillows and blankets on the living room couch. He stopped into the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth, and then stepped into his room. He dropped his jeans and pulled his fluffy green sweater over his head, stepping into a pair of plaid pajama pants and a giant Radiohead tee shirt before he lowered himself onto his bed with a satisfied groan. He would sleep well tonight.

He opened up his phone, realizing he’d left it in his bedroom the entire night. He pulled down and saw a few text messages - one from his mom about Easter, one from Tori about their mom’s Easter text, and one from a new contact; probably Jesse’s contact info. He opened up Instagram and was surprised to see a DM notification. He swiped down and his heart dropped when he saw who it was from. He scrambled into a sitting position and opened it quickly.

Nnelsonnzzz: 😳😣😳

Chapter Text

Chapter Four

Dad carefully backed into the loading zone that had been partitioned off for incoming students, easing the car into place. 

“How do I look?” he asked, glancing at Charlie in the rear view mirror. He twisted around in his seat, checking for the curb and instead getting his first view of his future campus, with friendly, tie-dye clad RAs milling about, chatting with nervous parents and excited students, wheeling luggage from cars to dorms. 

“You’re good,” Charlie said, smiling back at him. 

“Tori should be here any minute,” her mom said, glancing nervously in either direction. They got out of the car, and Charlie took a second to stretch out his calves and hamstrings. 600 miles in the car with a sleeping bag and suitcases surrounding him had left him stiff and creaky.

“Hi there, welcome to Hopkins College!” a friendly, perky guy said, popping up from behind them. 

Charlie turned and smiled shyly. “Hey, thanks.” 

It was a week before orientation week started, so the campus was much quieter than it would be on a normal move-in day. Anyone moving in today had a reason for being there early - there were student athletes arriving to begin their seasons, members of the newspaper cataloging and documenting move-in week, RAs and student leaders and more. Charlie was the newest member of the Honors College at Hopkins University, a small and very prestigious program, especially in the minds of the students who were accepted into it. One of the perks of being in the honor’s college was a week-long, team building camping trip up to the Adirondack mountains before all the regular freshmen moved in. 

“Let me guess...Leadership Program?” the guy asked. 

“Sorry?” Charlie said, looking at him curiously.

“Okay, not leadership. Cross country team?” he guessed, noticing Charlie’s lanky form.

“Oh,” Charlie said, the pin dropping. “No, I’m in the honor’s college. We’re leaving for a camping trip tomorrow.” The boy’s smile faltered. 

“Ah, yes. Honors college,” he said formally. “Wouldn’t have guessed with you though! Anyway, what dorm are you in? I can help you move your stuff in.”

Charlie and his parents unloaded with the help of Jarrod, apparently, who showed him which building was his dorm, gave him a code to get into the lobby, and where the cafeteria and library were as they took a small walking tour. Charlie pretended to be interested, but already felt like he knew it all. His older sister, Tori, was going to be a sophomore this year and had already sent detailed maps with way better information, like, “This is where people go if they want to make out. Don’t go with a guy unless you want people to think you’re a couple,” and “This building always smells like sewage. No need to visit,” and “Favorite hidden study corner,” marked in red.

Charlie glanced at his watch. It was 2:30pm. It would take a couple of hours to unpack everything, and then it would be time to send his parents back to Indiana as empty-nesters. Later that evening was an honors college meetup in the cafeteria for introductions and instructions about the camping trip. As far as he understood from the thick packet he’d gotten in the mail, they’d be loading up camping gear and about 30 people into a big bus tomorrow at 7:30 as they embarked on their journey.

As much as he wanted to feel above-it-all given Tori’s instructions and his insider knowledge of what was coming, Charlie couldn’t help getting more excited and nervous as 6pm approached. After his experience in high school, where he’d had a small group of close friends but wasn’t particularly popular, Charlie was looking forward to expanding his social circle and learning a bit more about himself in the process, and he knew that the people he met tonight could end up being influential members of his life because they’d be sharing classes with each other for the next four years.

He had unloaded most of his boxes, leaving the heaviest ones (full of his favorite books) in the corner for now, picked a bed and gotten sheets on it, and was unpacking his clothes when he realized it was time to head over to the patio near the cafeteria for the meetup. He glanced at himself in the mirror before heading out. He was wearing his standard low-key uniform: jeans, a giant green cable-knit sweater, and simple white Converse. He glanced in the mirror to assess the status of his curls and found them particularly unruly today, but they would have to do. He headed out of the dorm, hoping he’d be able to find his way back to the cafeteria meeting spot without getting turned around.

The campus was relatively quiet and empty, save for a few uniformed soccer players chatting on the field and the occasional person scurrying into a dorm. Charlie hurried along the path that took him from his dorm room, down a small hill, between the lacrosse fields and the tennis courts, and then disappeared into a wooded area. As he approached the woods, he realized that the path split into two; one continuing straight, going deeper into the trees and hugging a small pond to the right, while the other veered off to the left and disappeared around a corner. Charlie paused and looked back and forth between the two options, trying to remember which one would lead him to the cafeteria. 

“Need directions?” a voice said, approaching from behind him. Charlie startled, not realizing anyone was following, and turned around quickly to greet the stranger, his eyes immediately widening as he took him in. He was tall and muscular, wearing jeans and a simple blue tee shirt with a faded yellow ‘St. Pius X Rugby’ logo stretching across his chest, a baseball hat on his head. ' Oh ,' Charlie thought, trying not to overtly scan him up and down, but he couldn’t help noticing his well-built upper body, stretching the thin tee across his chest and biceps, and his open, friendly amber eyes. Charlie gulped. 

“Do you know, is this the way to the cafeteria?” he asked, gesturing to the path that continued straight ahead. The boy seemed a bit taken aback when Charlie turned around and their eyes met. He tilted his head slightly to the side, sizing him up. When he didn’t respond immediately, Charlie barreled forward anxiously. “I really want to say that the cafeteria is straight ahead, not to the left, but I can’t quite remember,” he said, pointing now. The boy’s eyes followed in the direction Charlie pointed, but he seemed slightly dazed, an unsure look crossing his face. Realization dawned on Charlie, and his eyebrows raised. “Oh, are you new too? I assumed you were a returning student or something. I think it is the straight path,” he muttered, mostly to himself. The boy finally seemed to break out of whatever had distracted him and a small smile formed on his face.

“Sorry, h-hi. I just got totally distracted by…” he gulped and trailed off, letting out a brief chuckle. “Anyway, I’ll show you the way,” he said, stepping past Charlie and beckoning him to follow him toward the path that continued straight.

“Okay, but… where are you going?” Charlie asked nervously. 

The boy looked back at Charlie with a full smile this time, his eyes crinkling in the corners a bit. “Do you really think I’d take some brand new student who asked for directions to a place other than where they wanted to go?” he asked curiously. 

“I-well. I guess not, but I’ve literally just met you,” Charlie acknowledged. “What if you’re not a student at all and you just hang out on deserted college campuses luring unassuming freshmen into dark corners? Ever heard of Stranger Danger?” 

With this, the boy laughed in surprise, shaking his head a bit and sneaking a glance at Charlie out of the corner of his eye as they walked side-by-side, approaching a small wooden bridge that arched over a trickling stream. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, this is the fastest any unassuming freshman has caught on,” he said, narrowing his eyes in a way that Charlie supposed was meant to seem threatening. On this boy, though, with his open face and floppy hair sticking out of his baseball cap, it looked more like a face that a confused puppy might make when their favorite toy rolled under the couch. 

“You got that right,” Charlie said, nodding solemnly. “I’m quick on the uptake, so no funny business, you.” He pointed his finger menacingly at the boy’s broad chest. They smiled at each other, then, eyes meeting in acknowledgement of a certain level of synergy between the two of them, and settled into step side-by side.

“So, why are you here a week early?” Charlie asked. The boy looked back at him.

“Hmm, I wonder,” he said back, wiggling his eyebrows. Charlie rolled his eyes.

“Are you always like this?” he asked.

“Like what,” the boy said, wiggling his eyebrows again. A laugh bubbled up out of Charlie.

“Oh my god you’re like talking to a Magic 8 ball,” he said, shaking his head. This made the boy let out a large laugh. 

“Okay, okay, sorry, I’ll give you what you want. My name is Nick, I’m a sophomore, the cafeteria is to the right, and I’m one of the upper-classmen going on the honor’s college camping trip,” he listed off. “I’m in a weird mood today because I literally just found out my roommate from last year decided to transfer to a new school, so my RA had to let me know that I’m randomly being assigned to a new dorm, and to a single, and it’s just…not how I thought my year would be starting?” he finished, shaking his head a bit and squinting up at the sun filtering between the trees. 

“Oh, wow, that would throw me off a lot,” Charlie confessed. He looked at Nick, trying to assess his mood, before continuing. “Though, I don’t know that it would make me want to randomly abduct a brand new freshman…” he teased. Nick’s jaw dropped at that.

“Pffft. If I really wanted to abduct you, you’d be singing along to Taylor Swift in the front seat of my car before you realized you were in danger. That was nothing,” Nick said lightly. Charlie’s heart skipped a beat at that, realizing that Nick could literally pick him up and carry him into a dungeon if he really wanted to. “So I’m assuming you’re in the honor’s college too?” he asked, stealing a look over at Charlie out of the corner of his eye as their shoulders bumped into each other.

“Yeah, what gave it away,” Charlie asked, gesturing at himself sarcastically. “You don’t think I’m on the basketball team?” 

“Basketball, no,” Nick said, then turned and sized Charlie up more directly. “But I could believe you are here early for cross country or I dunno, swim team.” Charlie felt his cheeks warm. Swim team guys were his weakness; such strong arms and shoulders tapering into such tiny little Speedos…

“Ah, no, not on the swim team, but if it gave me that kind of body I’d sign up yesterday,” he confessed with a giggle.

“Totally same, their shoulders are always so massive, I can’t help staring,” Nick responded. Curious, Charlie thought. He’d assumed Nick was straight - he assumed most people were - but maybe he wasn’t. He felt a little tingle of interest in his belly at that thought. He was definitely attractive and he had a thing for witty banter. 

“I am in the honor’s college; looks like we’re about to spend an ‘unforgettable week in the wilderness’ together,” Charlie said, doing jazz hands, quoting the instruction packet he’d gotten outlining the camping trip a couple weeks prior. Nick’s eyes widened as he realized what Charlie was referencing. 

“Oh, you’re going to be trouble,” he said with a shake of his head. “Already making fun of official honor’s college correspondence instead of falling prostrate at the feet of academia.” Charlie hummed in response and just raised his eyebrows playfully. 

“Sounds like you’ve got me pegged,” Charlie said, immediately realizing the double meaning as he said it and clapping his hands over his mouth. Nick turned bright red and started coughing, which caused Charlie to backtrack immediately. “Sorry, sorry! I mean you’ve got my number. I mean, yes, I’m…I’m going to be trouble. Oh my god,” he stammered. 

Nick finally recovered enough to cough out, “I don’t think that’s usually how it works with two guys but you know, whatever gets you off.” Charlie was mortified and covered his face with his hands, shaking his head as they finally made their way out of the woods.

“I feel like, depending on the kind of guy you are, I might end up being known as ‘The Pegging Guy’ if you want to make this a thing,” Charlie said weakly. 

“I could give you your first college nickname!” Nick said with a whoop. “Hey, this is - wait. I don’t know your name?” 

“It’s Charlie,” he said, his words muffled by the hands still covering his face.

“Okay, yeah. ‘Hey, this is Charlie, but I like to call him Peg,’” he said, pretending to introduce Charlie to a random stranger. “Don’t ask why.”

“Yep, that’s me, Charlie’s the name, pegging’s the game,” Charlie said in a silly voice, pantomiming shaking hands with the imaginary person. Charlie and Nick giggled behind their hands as they finally approached the gathering of students near the cafeteria. Their laughs died down as they took in the group of students milling about. 

“Anyway, glad you made it to the cafeteria safely and only,” Nick paused, checking his watch, “one minute late! I have to go see what they need me to do at this thing, so I’ll see you around.” He gave Charlie a cheeky smile and a wave before heading over to a small cluster of adults that Charlie assumed were staff and professors. Charlie couldn’t help the buzzing warmth that he felt spreading throughout his belly. Maybe college life wouldn’t be so bad - he hadn’t even made it half a day and he’d already made friends with a hot upperclassman who was potentially queer, and they were about to spend a week camping together. 

He took a minute to mentally switch gears from his conversation with Nick to the task at hand, which was getting checked in and meeting his new cohort of honor’s college peers. He could see a few adults - teachers, he assumed - as well as a handful of students ranging from the very obviously honors college type (a guy with thick glasses and a shirt that said, “A2 + B2 = C2”) to the not-so-typical (a girl with flowing brown hair, a long willowy skirt, and a dangerously low-cut tank top). He meandered over to a small group of students who were hovering around the refreshments table. 

“...and I was thinking, certainly Socrates couldn’t have meant that in a Platonic way…” he overheard the guy with the equation shirt saying. He waited a beat, his eyes alight with expectation, as the crowd around him split into people who groaned with recognition or laughed with delight.

“That’s...a bad joke dude,” a guy said to him, clapping him on the back. Math shirt guy chuckled ruefully. 

“I thought finally I’d found the audience for that one,” he said, wistfully. 

“I’m not sure there is an audience for that one,” the first guy responded, garnering more laughs. 

An elderly gentleman with a long gray beard and a tweed jacket stood up and made his way to the center of the patio.

“Hello esteemed colleagues, and welcome to Hopkins College! We’re so very happy to have you join our ranks as our fourth honors college class. I am Dr. Winkle, and I teach Honor’s Society and Civilizations, which you’ll all be taking this semester. I also will be leading your camping trip, so we’ll have plenty of time to get to know each other over the coming week. I look forward to making your acquaintance and joining you on this journey as you plumb the depths of your great abilities.” Charlie caught himself rolling his eyes at the pretentious language in Dr. Winkle’s speech when he noticed Nick looking at him from his spot with the other upperclassmen. He shook his head lightly and mouthed the word, ‘trouble’ at Charlie, who clamped his mouth shut to keep himself from laughing out loud. 

After the honor’s college meeting, they walked back to the dorms with a couple others who lived in the same direction, a tall boy named Tao who seemed quite dour about the upcoming week living in a tent, and another boy named Otis, who seemed comfortable being the ‘bro’-iest nerd in the honors college. “I’m this way,” Nick said, jerking a thumb toward the dorm that sat across the soccer field from Charlie’s own. “See you all bright and early to load up.” 

The next morning, Nick helped Charlie lug his Dad’s old canvas duffel bag up the hill on the way to the meeting spot the next morning. (“Not that this bag isn’t incredibly cool, in a vintage sort of way, but what do you have in here, a dead body?” he’d asked. “No, it’s my collection gold coins,” Charlie had deadpanned). Then they sat next to each other for four or so hours of the drive up to the Adirondacks mountains, returning to the same seats after each of the restroom and stretch breaks except for one, when a forward girl named Imogen had pushed her way in and declared it was ‘time for someone else to get a chance!’. 

They’d been able to cover the basics necessary for a new friendship. Nick had an older brother that he seemed somewhat impartial to. He was from a small city/large town a couple hours away, Harrisburg. He had played rugby in high school but was more into intramural soccer in college (“Well didn’t you just win the high-school jackpot; smart and athletic,” Charlie had teased. Nick rolled his eyes at that and said it ‘took one to know one’). He thought he’d end up majoring in something practical like Education or some form of science, but he really liked philosophy. He was an avid reader of comic books and mystery novels. 

Charlie met him where he was, sharing similar factoids about himself. One older sister, who happened to be a sophomore at Hopkins College already (Nick was surprised that he hadn’t put two and two together - he and Tori were in the same year and had a couple classes together). He lived in Indianapolis, a much larger city much further away than Harrisburg. He hadn’t played rugby but had run track. He was also an avid reader but preferred memoirs and Greek classics. It was rare for Charlie to find someone who read as much for pleasure as she did, especially in the midst of all of the AP classes they’d both taken their senior years of high school. He hoped to major in literature, but thought perhaps a degree in writing might be more practical. 

By the time they were so unceremoniously separated from their seats together, Charlie felt he’d found his first real college friend. Nick had a great sense of humor and laughed easily. Sometimes he seemed to have a lot to say but would stumble and stutter over his words in an attempt to get his thoughts out. True to himself, Charlie didn’t pry too much and instead asked clarifying questions to tease out what Nick really meant. He was pleased that Nick didn’t seem to get annoyed and instead appreciated a chance to work through what he was trying to communicate. Though it was early days and he’d promised himself and Tori that he wouldn’t get distracted, especially not by upper-classmen boys, Charlie recognized the earliest stages of a crush on Nick, though he was pretty sure that Nick was straight.

Things changed relatively quickly though after they arrived at their campsite. The chaperones doled out tents and sleeping assignments as the students filed off the bus, and also divided the group into smaller units responsible for building tents and setting up camp. Nick was a tent builder while Charlie was tasked with unloading the coolers and setting up the cooking equipment. By the next morning, each of them had spent more time with their tentmates than they had with each other and formed friendships with them as well. Charlie was amazed that each new person he met opened up a world of possibilities in his mind, and he found himself wishing it were four years in the future so he could know if these casual conversations over the glowing fireplace or on a stuffy hike were the first of many with one of his future best friends or just with an acquaintance whose name he would struggle to remember when he was older. Would Peter end up being his friend when they started classes? Imogen had told Charlie some pretty personal stories about her home life during their hike; would they end up becoming friendly despite the bus incident? Tao lived on his hall, maybe they’d be the one long-term friendship out of this trip, and they’d celebrate their 40th birthdays together, surrounded by partners and kids and tight-knit, 20+ year-old friends from their college days. The prospects were dizzying. 

From time to time, though, during the week, he and Nick found themselves back next to each other; warming themselves on the rocks after the group hike to the falls, falling into step with each other for a few minutes on a hike, chewing on toasted cheese sandwiches and mugs of chili around the campfire, and it felt like returning to an old friend. Looking back, it seemed as though the two of them were determined to take their time with each other - so many of the people he met during that first week became fast friends that fizzled out before the end of the semester. Maybe it was some sort of divine intervention that kept Nick and Charlie careful with each other, taking a step deeper only when the width of their relationship deemed it appropriate. Maybe that’s what friendships needed in order to be healthy and to survive - an appropriate width to catch the sudden steps into dangerously deep waters. 

Charlie awoke the morning after his cookout and instantly dove for his phone to check his DMs. It hadn’t been a dream; there was a message from Nick Nelson , one of his former best friends, one of the people he’d spent the most time with in his life, and one of the people he’d done what he thought was irreparable damage to, sitting benignly at the top of the list. Charlie refreshed the conversation once, twice, three times, but it still contained only a short line of emojis. He supposed he had kind of set himself up for that, what with the ‘blink once if you’re alive’ request and Nick’s sarcastic terseness leading to this inconsequential exchange. But. But . It was contact. It was acknowledgement. If Nick chose to read into it, it was a confession that Charlie was thinking about him, wondering about him, even, years after their fight. It was an admission that Charlie wanted to know how he was, wanted an update, and wanted to reconnect. At least, that’s what Charlie hoped Nick got out of it. But Charlie found Nick’s response as opaque as ever. 

'Seriously what am I supposed to glean from fucking emojis', Charlie angstily wondered the next morning as he made his tea. 'He’s alive. He checks Instagram - rarely. If I want an actual conversation, I’m going to have to respond and then wait for who knows how long for his next message.' Charlie sighed to himself and bit off a chunk of his apple.

“What’d that piece of fruit ever do to you?” Isaac mumbled blearily as he wandered into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. Charlie rolled his eyes at him and passed over the cup of tea that he’d made. “Thanks,” Isaac said, taking a sip and dropping down onto the couch. “So you just woke up angry then?” he asked after a few more moments filled with the sound of Charlie’s aggressive chewing.

“ Nick Nelson messaged me back,” Charlie said, darkly. Isaac took a sip of his tea and cocked his head to the side.

“Haven’t you been wanting that for like, weeks now?” 

“Yes, but he sent - literally - a line of emojis. Like, that’s all he sent,” Charlie explained. 

“He really is a man of few words, then,” Isaac said with a frown and a nod. “Was it the middle finger one?” 

“Hah, no, though honestly that would’ve been better because then at least I’d know how he felt about me reaching out. He sent, basically, a blinking emoji.” Isaac looked at him in confusion. 

“But…why?”

“Because when I messaged him, I asked him to blink once if he was alive, like an idiot,” Charlie said, flopping down on the couch next to Isaac. “And now I have nowhere to go.”

“Why’s that?”

“Because it took him three weeks to even check Instagram, and if I reply now, I’ll have to wait another three for him to respond back. By the time we’re actually having a real-time conversation, we’ll be in our thirties ,” Charlie replied dramatically. 

“Yeah, we can’t have that,” Isaac said, and Charlie couldn’t tell if he was teasing or serious.

“But really, Isaac, what should I do? If I respond now, it’ll look totally lame that he took three weeks to get back to me and I responded hours after he did. And I don’t know what to say . There’s like, no elegant way to start a conversation now,” Charlie whined. Isaac took a sip of tea and contemplated Charlie’s question.

“Can I ask, what exactly are you hoping to happen, here? With Nick?” 

“Oh, I don’t know,” Charlie said as he settled into his favorite couch corner. “Honestly, I mostly want to know how he’s doing, like, if he’s okay . The last time we talked, he wasn’t okay. And I made it worse.”

“So if he gets back to you and says, ‘All good, Charlie, years have passed, I’m fine’, you’ll be satisfied?” Isaac probed. 

“Well, I suppose if he said that I’d be relieved , yes, and I’d feel less guilty,” Charlie answered thoughtfully. “But…then I’d probably want to like, keep in touch enough to feel like we could be friends again? As well as you can be friends with someone from your past you live in a different city from, at least. Like Elle.” 

“Okay, so first, check he’s doing okay. Then try to be friends again. And if that all happened, and you became friends again, then you’d be happy?” 

Charlie chewed on his lip, worrying at a spot on the inside of his cheek. Would that make him happy? In a lot of ways, it would. He hated going around feeling like there was unresolved conflict in his life, even if it was a weight he’d gotten used to over the last few years. Even in the best of times, he’d find himself laughing at a bar with Darcy, or on a jog through the woods on a crisp autumn morning, or petting a puppy he ran into at the farmer’s market, and he’d get a flash of nostalgia, a pang of remorse, that would hit him out of nowhere as Nick came to mind, wondering what he was doing, who he was with, and if his thoughts ever wandered to Charlie. He didn’t want to feel that way anymore. He wanted to feel allowed to think of his friend; to text him when he ran into a dog that looked like Nellie or when he had a conversation with a student about the use of metaphor in Emily Dickinson’s A Bird Came Down the Walk , or ordered a cheesesteak from Hoagies and Hops with cheese whiz instead of provolone. If he had that - that easy relationship with Nick that he’d gotten so used to over the years and took for granted - would that make Charlie happy?

“Being friends again with Nick would make me really happy,” Charlie answered softly, with a nod. Isaac studied him from across the couch, looking him up and down. 

“And the … thing between you two? The unacknowledged feelings?” he asked. Charlie sucked in a deep breath and shook his head, lightly.

“I think that ship has sailed,” he said, a bit sadly. “I suppose if we became actual , real-life friends again, maybe someday we’d be able to talk about…everything that happened. But I don’t think I can go into this - trying to reconnect with him - hoping for that.” Charlie realized as he said it that it was true. If he really wanted to repair his relationship with Nick and earn his trust back, he had to give up any lingering questions or thoughts about what could have happened in the past, or might happen in the future, and he had to live firmly in the present. “I think I have to take it as it comes instead of trying to nudge him in any specific direction,” Charlie said. “I…I think I’d owe it to him.” 

“So, what will you do?” Isaac asked. “How do you get there from here?” 

“That’s what I was about to ask you,” Charlie responded with a giggle, finally feeling a little more at peace in what he really wanted with Nick through Isaac’s gentle questioning.

“You could ask him for his number?” Isaac suggested with a shrug. Charlie looked at him with a horrified expression.

“His number? Shouldn’t I, like, build up to it?” 

“I don’t think so, it’s not like you met him at a bar; you were friends for ages! You’ve probably had multiple phone numbers for him over the years, you just don’t have his current one. Doesn’t seem like a big deal to me,” he exclaimed.

“I guess so,” Charlie said, thinking about it. “I do know that he hates social media…” 

“Yeah, just tell him you want to catch up and ask him if he’s up for texting? Ooh, or give him yours?” Isaac said excitedly, leaning forward. 

“Ughh,” Charlie groaned. “I know I literally just said I’d take it as it came, but giving him my number and then just like, waiting to see if he texts me would be agony .”

“You also told me a bit ago that you’re trying to be more up front with people, and with yourself. So maybe you just tell him you miss him and want his number so you can be friends again instead of trying to like, sneak back into his life. Let him know what he’s actually agreeing to?” Isaac suggested, a little pointedly. 

“God, this is so complicated, trying to be a mature adult,” Charlie wailed. He stood up, though, and went to grab his phone where he’d left it in the kitchen. He bent over it and typed for a few seconds and then tossed it at Isaac. “How’s that?”

Isaac studied the phone for a minute and then picked it up, typed a bit, and then handed it back. Charlie read what Isaac wrote.

CFSpring: Thanks for that, Nick. Glad you’re alive. *eyeroll emoji*. Hey, I know you don’t like Insta, but I don’t have another way to contact you. I’d really like to catch up…it’s been a long time and I miss you. This is my number - what’s yours? Can I text you?

“I took out the part where you were mad at him about the blinking emoji and made it a bit more direct,” Isaac said. Charlie nodded as he read and re-read the message. 

“Fuck it,” he muttered, pressing send and tossing his phone onto the coffee table with a clatter. Isaac gaped at him.

“You didn't just send it, did you?” he asked, wide-eyed. 

“Yeah, yes I did, yes, why?” Charlie asked, frantically, scrambling to pick up his phone again. 

“I just thought we'd do another round of revisions!” Isaac cried. 

“Oh my god should we have?” Charlie yelped, his hands flying to his face.

“Well it's too late now isn't it? I can't believe you just did that.”

Charlie peeked at Isaac through his fingers and the two just looked at each other before both letting out nervous giggles.

“The one thing I have going for me at least is that Nick already knows me better than almost everyone, so he won't bat an eye at my cringe moments,” he chuckled humorlessly. 

“Ah, it'll be alright,” Isaac said gently. “Fancy a trip to Milktooth for breakfast? Keep me company a bit longer and keep your mind off the cringe text?” 

“Ooh, I could go for a bougie breakfast, sure!” Charlie said, offering Isaac a hand as he pulled him off the couch. The two of them got ready and headed over to their favorite breakfast spot.

“So, last night was really fun!” Isaac said as they tucked into their meals in the quirky cafe, full of mis-matched china plates, vintage lace tablecloths, and framed paintings of roosters and china dolls and Tupac (?) clustered together. Isaac had Korean fried chicken with a scallion waffle, and though he was tempted by the vegan ancient grain porridge, Charlie stuck with his favorite harissa-poached eggs and a lavender-milk flat white. 

“Yeah, I honestly couldn't have asked for it to have gone any better,” Charlie replied enthusiastically. “I can't believe I didn't even think about how Tara and Darcy would hit it off before they got there.” 

“And Otis, oh my god,” Isaac said, giggling. Charlie let out a full blown laugh.

“He is help less,” Charlie snorted.

“How was it seeing Scott with Jesse?” Isaac asked, taking a sip of his fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice. 

“Honestly, I thought it would be harder, but I was like, weirdly okay with it? I even, like…I kind of like Jesse? He's not what I thought he'd be, but I can see it now,” Charlie said thoughtfully.

“Yeah, I thought they seemed like a good match,” Isaac agreed. “Aw, Charlie, I'm so proud of you! From heartbroken to friends in just a few months!” 

“Thanks,” Charlie said, a blush rising to his cheeks. He and Isaac were the best of friends but weren't often so outwardly sincere with each other. “Honestly I think going back to therapy is really helping with that.” Charlie felt his phone buzz in his pocket and had a moment of panic pool in his stomach before he saw it was a text from Tori, not a DM from Nick.

He and Isaac luxuriated over their breakfast and even went to pick up a couple pastries for later on their way out.

“What's next for you today,” Charlie asked as he drove them back to their apartment through the side-streets of the darling Woodruff Place neighborhood, with its Victorian Tudors homes, esplanade fountains, and blossoming cherry trees. 

“You know me - some reading, maybe a nap. Gotta pick up a few things at the grocery store later. You?”

“Not much - I have to give Tori a call; she sent me a text just now. And then after I've digested that giant breakfast I was thinking of a run to the canal and back behind the zoo this afternoon.”

“Movie tonight?” Isaac offered. 

“Sure,” Charlie said with a smile. “Trying to keep my mind off of anything in particular?”

“Hah, well you're welcome for that then,” Isaac said with an eye roll.

After starting a load of laundry and finishing the clean up from the previous night’s party, Charlie settled on his bed to call Tori. He was impressed with how zen he felt about the message he sent Nick. He had checked his DMs a couple of times, but not that much more often than normal. Now that he’d heard back from Nick, even if it was just a single, solitary emoji , the uncertainty of the entire situation had lessened. Nick was around, there was a way - albeit a bad one - to reach him, and he was at least willing to communicate that. Who knows how he’d feel in a few days if he still hadn’t heard back, but for now, Charlie was on top of his anxiety. Plus, it was Nick . His Nick. They had been practically joined at the hip for years. He dialed Tori.

“Why are you calling,” she said, picking up after the second ring.

“Hello to you too, Tori,” Charlie said with a laugh. “You texted me, you know.”

“Yes. I texted. ” 

“Fine, you want me to hang up and text you back then?”

“Maybe.” 

“Oh for god’s sake Tori,” Charlie said exasperatedly. Tori could be…particular. But he knew she was teasing him. “What do you want?”

“Have you talked to Mom lately?”

“No, why? She did ask me about my plans for Easter the other day…”

“Well, she told me she and dad are going to come out for a visit because it’s been too long since we’ve ‘seen anyone in the family.’” Tori said dryly. 

“Oh, interesting, when was the last time they were out that way?” Charlie asked, trying to remember if his parents ever visited aside from the annual college pickups and drop-offs they’d made for five years in a row between him and Tori.

“Ages. And I’d like it to stay that way. Our house is too small for them and Olly,” Tori said in a clipped tone. 

“So you want me to discourage them from coming?” Charlie asked.

“No, can you visit instead? So they know that we’re still connected to our family?” 

“Actually, funny you should ask, I had a little gathering last night and everyone was talking about their Spring Break plans. I mentioned that I hadn’t been back to Philly in a while and was going to see if you guys would be up for a visitor in a few weeks,” Charlie said, absently tracing the pattern on his bedspread with his finger. 

“Really,” she said flatly. “Why? I thought the idea of this city made you physically ill.” 

Charlie flashed back to when he told Tori and Michael, her partner, that he was moving back to Indianapolis after trying to make a go of living in Philly for a year after college. This city is forever tainted by Ben , he’d said vehemently. When I drive back into the city after leaving for a weekend or visiting Mom and Dad, and I make that turn on the Blue Route by Manayunk, you know the one I’m talking about? And you go under the bridge and when you come out, suddenly you can see the skyline for the first time? Well, it used to be my favorite part of the drive; passing all the familiar buildings, and the skyscrapers looming, and the train tracks at 30th St. Station. But now, all I see is this imaginary dark fog settling over me, and all I smell is the stench of Ben and all of the places he ruined for me. And it feels like a literal pressing down on my shoulders, a weight driving me deeper into my seat, and I’m heavier with each step, until I get out again. I know he’s out there, somewhere, in that city. And I know that at any point, I could walk into a café and see him, or be reading at a park and notice him walking by. And I can’t live with that feeling anymore. Tori had been enraged, cursing at Ben under her breath for ruining the place that she and her brother had grown to love. But she had understood, eventually, and after promising to disembowel Ben with a fork if she ever saw him again - metaphorically, Charlie - she’d nodded and helped Charlie pack. 

“It used to,” Charlie said simply. “But it’s been years since I’ve thought of him with anything but disinterest and I’ve stayed away long enough.” Charlie let his mind wander, considering everything he gave up when he left Philly. He didn’t just lose regular visits with Tori and Michael; his friendship with Elle and Tao had stagnated, too. He’d left a burgeoning something with Nick, just to get away from the constant weight of Ben’s shadow around each corner - not the first or the second time Ben had interfered with his and Nick’s relationship. He’d also lost his connection to his past self: lazy Sunday afternoons thumbing through the classics at his favorite record store with Tao; the house-made chai syrup at the Green Line Café; the dappled, sunlit pond he walked across on his way to classes in college, giggling with Sahar; his annual pass to the Barnes Foundation, where he could browse the paintings with Elle or sit on the grounds and read a book next to Nick. His jogs along the art museum steps. His midnight trips to Pat’s when a cheesesteak craving hit, licking the grease that dripped down his fingers and rolling his eyes as Nick roasted him for getting his with sharp provolone instead of Cheez Whiz and Elle threw French fries at Tao. He felt himself growing angry, again, at all the ways his stupid fucking past self had let Ben sabotage the life he had been building there.

“Alright then. When are you coming?” Tori asked.

“Well, I mean, I don’t have to,” Charlie backtracked, not quite ready to commit just yet. He hadn’t even checked to see if Elle and Tao would be around. 

“You’re coming,” Tori stated.

“Okay okay, it’s the second week in April, a couple weeks from now. I have a few things I need to do here during break - boring stuff like getting my oil changed and I already promised my friend Otis that I’d help him move. But I’ll check in with a few of my old friends out there and see if they’re around,” Charlie said, standing up now, feeling his pace pick up with excitement. “Maybe I could even convince Elle and Tao to go to the shore for a couple of days with me,” he said, more to himself than to Tori.

“Alright, well please tell Mum you’re coming so she cancels their plans,” she cut in.

“Okay, Tori, will do,” Charlie said with a roll of his eyes. “Love you too.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Five

The next two weeks flew by. In addition to work ramping up in the lead-up to the end of the year and college applications, Charlie also found himself hanging out with his Indianapolis Menace Squad, in various iterations of full-squad gatherings to subsets of the group to individual coffee dates. Tara and Darcy really seemed to have hit it off and everyone suspected that they were quickly blazing from acquaintances to each others’ crushes to dating to girlfriends at lightning speed. Charlie and Isaac had undertaken an intense week of spring cleaning and bookshelf reorganization which took up more time than either of them would confess to. Charlie had even agreed to an impromptu invite from Jesse to run a 5K one weekend, which was way more fun than he expected. 

In between it all, Charlie, Elle, and Tao had been working on a few plans for his rapidly approaching trip to Philadelphia. Obviously, they’d visit their old campus to relive their college days and marvel at how young the students were and how much the campus had changed since they had graduated all those years ago. They had added Sahar to the group chat and intended to hit up their weekly trivia night after a visit to the art museum one day. Charlie planned on one solo day to walk through his old neighborhood to get a coffee at the Green Line Café, visit the dusty record store, and browse Molly’s Book Shop. He’d stay with Tori and Michael and knew that a couple of his evenings would be spent on their couch, being in each other’s company, even if they didn’t talk too much.

A part of him wondered if there would be any unexpected run-ins while he was in town. He wasn’t sure if he was more nervous about that possibility if the person on the other side of it was Ben or Nick. Of course, seeing Ben was never a good thing, but at least Charlie knew it wouldn’t matter in the long term; he’d either ignore him or tell him to piss off and that would be that. But Nick…Charlie was more unsure about how a run-in with him might go. No, Nick hadn’t responded to Charlie’s request for his number. Though his initial DM had taken Nick three weeks to reply to, this time Charlie had expected a shorter turnaround time. It was still marked as unread, so at least he knew Nick hadn’t seen it and chosen to ignore it, but that was cold comfort. He’d spent his last couple sessions with Geoff talking through his disappointment that Nick hadn’t responded, and together they had been trying to help Charlie come to peace with the fact that the relationship with Nick was out of his control and that there may be a world where Charlie had to be okay with truly accepting that his and Nick’s friendship would not be a part of his life. 

“Coming to a point of acceptance about something like this - something you really want to happen not coming to fruition - is very difficult, Charlie,” Geoff had said in their most recent session, when Charlie had confessed how frustrated he was with himself for not being able to mentally get past his hope for a reconciliation. “It can take weeks, months, and even years to get to a place of peace with it.”

“It just seems so dumb,” Charlie had said, stabbing his finger repeatedly into the soft middle of the pillow on his lap. “I know, in my brain, that reconnecting with Nick is out of my control, so why do I keep thinking about it? I’m literally being inundated with memories lately. Some I didn’t even know existed.” 

Earlier that morning, as Charlie had been on his long run, his breath had almost been knocked out of him as he recalled one of the first times he and Nick hung out after the semester started. 

He had been uncharacteristically tired - perhaps a little homesick - on a Friday night and had chosen to stay in his dorm room, turning down the invitation from his roommate to join a few of the guys from the hall at their favorite diner for dinner before going who knows where afterwards. He was dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and gray joggers, meandering around his room, when he decided to take on the project of finally unpacking the boxes of books he’d brought with him from home and organizing his bookshelf. He’d learned over the years that, at least for him, the best way to start a project like this was to empty all the boxes and clear off the books and pictures and trinkets that were haphazardly scattered already on the shelves and make a giant pile in the middle of the floor, where he could see everything he was working with. He put one one of his favorite albums - The Bends , by Radiohead - humming along absentmindedly, when he heard a gentle knock on his door. He picked his way across the messy room, avoiding stepping all of his precious books, and opened it to find Nick Nelson on the other side, a lopsided smile on his mouth and a hint of hesitancy in his eyes.

“Oh, hey,” Charlie said, curiously.

“Hey,” Nick said, his weight shifting slightly from foot to foot. “I was just…I wondered if you were around and what you’re up to tonight? I got back late and missed the guys on my hall going out so I’m kinda bored,” he said, looking past Charlie into his room. His eyes widened slightly as he took in all the scattered books covering the ground. Charlie felt a rush of embarrassment at the state of his mess and the completely nerdy way he was spending his Friday night. “Looks like you’re…super busy,” Nick said teasingly, a laugh bubbling up in his throat.

“Hah, yeah, didn’t you know I’m a party animal,” he asked, moving aside. “You can come in, but you either have to sit at my desk or on the bed.” 

Nick made his way in and instead crouched down on the floor next to the pile of books. He looked up at Charlie who had shut the door behind him and made his way back into the middle of the room. “Are you seriously like…are you organizing your books right now?” Nick asked incredulously. Charlie let out a little giggle and rolled his eyes.

“Oh come on, like you’ve never done it,” he said. 

“I’ve literally never done this,” Nick affirmed. Charlie snorted and dropped to his knees next to Nick, starting to spread the books out and turn them so they were all facing up. Nick wordlessly joined him, flipping the books over and lining them up next to each other.

“I was feeling a bit antisocial tonight,” Charlie explained. “I decided not to go to Manilla’s with the guys and to hang out here instead.” Nick nodded and picked up a copy of The Bluest Eye , flipping it over to read the back.

“I can leave if you want to be alone,” he offered simply, dropping the book back down. Charlie contemplated the offer but shook his head lightly.

“Nah, you can stay if you want to. I just didn’t want, like, a whole group. And it has really been bugging me that I still have so many unpacked boxes laying around a few weeks in,” he said with a shrug. 

“Okay,” Nick said, toeing his shoes off and settling in. “So, how are we organizing these?” he asked, sitting back on his haunches and looking expectantly at Charlie. Charlie felt a bloom of warmth in his heart, seeing Nick so eager to help while also matching Charlie’s low-key energy. He looked…like a puppy dog. 

“There’s only one way to organize books on a bookshelf,” Charlie said, shaking his head with his eyes opened widely, conveying that he couldn’t believe Nick was even asking the question.

“Alphabetically by author’s last name?” Nick asked, starting to scan the books in front of him looking for any ‘A’ authors. 

“What, no, what kind of monster are you?” Charlie said, horrified. “By color of the rainbow first, and then alphabetically by title within each color!” Nick looked up quickly, a shocked ‘o’ on his mouth. His eyes searched Charlie’s for a few seconds, seemingly begging him to change his mind. When Charlie just nodded with a giant smile, a look of fear crossed over Nick’s face.

“I can’t…you can’t be serious,” he whispered, bringing his hands to cover his face and shaking his head. “This is unacceptable, Charlie,” he said strongly a few seconds later. 

“My room, my rules,” Charlie said with a shrug, sticking his tongue out at Nick. They settled into the task at hand, each perched in different spots on the floor, rummaging through the piles of books, commenting on their favorite authors and making recommendations as they went, the sounds of Thom Yorke floating in the background and the occasional yelp from a hallmate heard through the door. Once they had gotten all the books laid out in color order, they made quick work of transferring their system onto the shelves. Charlie stepped back appreciatively and surveyed their work with a grin. He turned to Nick, who was looking pensive at the finished product.

“Okay, you may have a point,” he conceded, nodding at the shelves. “These bookshelves are extremely aesthetically pleasing.” They grinned at each other, and Charlie’s heart skipped a beat as their eyes connected for a few seconds. Nick’s lopsided grin faltered slightly. Charlie broke eye contact a bit awkwardly. What was going on?

“Thanks for helping me,” he said quietly. “It went way faster with you here.” Nick nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets, rocking on his heels and glancing around the room. It was only 9pm, practically early evening for college students.

“Want to play Mario Kart?” Charlie asked. Nick let out a breath that Charlie didn’t know he’d been holding.

“Sure you want to do that? Not to be braggy but I’m pret-ty good.”

“I think I can handle it,” Charlie said, rolling his eyes. He grabbed the controllers from underneath the TV and tossed one at Nick. They settled onto the tattered brown couch that Charlie had bought at Goodwill for $20, controllers in hand, and proceeded to play Mario Kart for hours . At one point, Charlie noticed that Nick had tears streaming down his cheeks.

“Nick, why are you crying?” he asked in surprise. Nick shook his head violently and sniffed, never looking away from the screen.

“I'm not, I just haven’t blinked in forever,” he answered. 

“You.. haven’t blinked? Wait, are you trying so hard to beat me that you’re practically sobbing with the effort, and you still haven’t won a single round?” Charlie asked, his jaw dropping.

“Shut the fuck up,” Nick growled, sniffing again. “I am not leaving until I win.”

“Well I’ll make up a bed for you then,” Charlie shot back as Yoshi blew past Luigi to take the win easily. 

“ Arrgh !” Nick cried, tossing the remote into the middle of the floor and doubling over, dropping his head into his lap. His back rose and fell as he tried to calm back down. Without thinking twice, Charlie dropped a hand onto his back and patted him a few times.

“Don’t feel bad, Nick, not everyone can be a video game savant,” he said patronizingly.

“ Pfft ,” came Nick’s muffled response.

“How are your back muscles so big,” Charlie asked as he stopped patting and started poking around. Nick twitched under his hands, trying to get away from Charlie’s bony fingers.

“Stop!” he said, a giggle rising in his throat as he squirmed.

“Wait, are you ticklish?” Charlie asked, realizing the power he held. He jabbed a finger in between two of Nick’s ribs and was met with a high pitched yelp as Nick jumped up and skittered across the room, holding out a warning finger. His cheeks were pink and tear-streaked, but his eyes were bright and playful.

“You are a menace,” he said breathlessly. 

“So what if I am, all the best boys are,” Charlie responded sassily, shrugging his shoulders, standing up from the couch and lifting his arms over his head in a stretch. He noticed the tiniest flicker of Nick’s eyes as they dropped to the sliver of skin on his stomach that was exposed as his shirt lifted and then immediately lifted to meet Charlie’s again. A brief question crossed Charlie’s mind in the milliseconds that followed. Is Nick not straight? Did he just…check me out? He gulped at the thought. Charlie had spent so many of his adolescent and teenage years having unrequited crushes on straight boys. He’d given himself a firm talking to that under no circumstances would he let that happen again: he would assume straight until proven otherwise, and he would not crush on a straight boy. So far, he had been able to maintain that discipline through the handful of new (and in some cases, quite attractive) boys he’d met in his first few weeks at Hopkins. Nick was definitely physically attractive - I mean, come on - but he and Charlie also had an easy connection and really enjoyed each other’s company. If he wasn’t straight…Charlie’s thoughts were interrupted by the shrill ring of his dorm room phone.

‘Ben,’ he thought excitedly as he leapt from his spot near the couch to answer the phone before its second ring.

“Hello,” he asked, hating how hopeful his voice sounded to his ears.

“Charlie, hey,” came the smooth response. It was Ben. Charlie felt his heartbeat pick up.

“Oh, hey,” he said, trying to sound casual. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten an unexpected call from Ben, someone who had made it very clear that he wasn’t straight, and who was currently prospect number one in Charlie’s list of ideal first dalliances in college.

“What are you up to tonight,” Ben’s tinny voice asked through the phone. Charlie’s heartbeat picked up as he glanced over at Nick, who was occupied with wrapping up the Switch controllers and stuffing them back into the TV console.

“Uh, just hanging out in my room,” he mentioned. Nick glanced over his shoulder and met Charlie’s eyes. “With a friend,” he added quickly. 

“Oh, well, let me know if you want to hang out later, I just got back from Campus Corner but I’m not ready to call it a night yet,” Ben said, his voice lowering just the tiniest bit and causing Charlie’s stomach to drop. 

“Yeah, okay,” he said, ashamed at how breathy his voice sounded in his own ears. “I think we were about done anyway.” 

At that, Nick stood up and narrowed his eyes slightly, looking anywhere but at Charlie’s eyes. He stuffed his hands in his pockets again and seemed unsure of what to do. 

“Alright, well then I’ll talk to you soon,” Ben finished. Charlie hung up the phone and took a steadying breath before looking back over to Nick. Their eyes met silently from across the room.

“Uhh…well I guess I’d better be going,” Nick said lamely, gesturing at the phone with an unasked question. Charlie simply nodded, silently acknowledging that Nick’s interpretation was correct and their evening together was coming to an abrupt and unexpected end. He weighed whether or not he should mention who was on the phone or give any sort of explanation, but decided against it.

“Thanks for keeping me company tonight,” Charlie said. “It was…oddly fun to just chill out on a Friday night.”

“I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had as much fun organizing a bookshelf, even if it was by colors of the rainbow ,” Nick said with a sly smile, seeming to recover from the awkwardness. He headed over to Charlie’s door and pulled it open. “Well…I guess I’ll see you around,” he said, ducking his head and looking at Charlie with a hint of uncertainty.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Charlie said, glancing back into his room at the phone on his desk, itching to call Ben as soon as Nick left. Nick’s shoulders dropped the slightest bit before he turned and gave Charlie a small wave, making his way down the hall.

Charlie came out of that memory, panting, his chest squeezing as he realized just how fast he’d been running. He was filled with a longing to go back; to relive that night. What if he’d never leapt up to answer the phone and have a giggly conversation with Ben while Nick was in the room, sneaking glances over his shoulder when he thought Charlie wasn’t looking? And Charlie hadn’t been looking , but he’d seen it nonetheless. Deep down inside, he’d seen Nick’s uncertain glances and the slight furrow in his brow, and Charlie had pressed it down, refusing to acknowledge it - not to Nick and especially not to himself. Now, years later, he could clearly see that that night was a fulcrum point of his college experience; on one side - the path he’d taken - he shooed Nick out of the room abruptly and met up with Ben immediately afterwards on the first of what they came to call their ‘Midnight Walks’, an addicting and toxic pattern that began that night and lasted for years, dousing his college experience in gray tones and muted regrets. On the other - the path he didn’t take - would have been…what? The start of a different kind of tradition? Quiet nights in with Nick, talking, studying, teasing, eventually turning into, flirting, confessing, growing, and maybe, eventually, loving ? Charlie had squeezed his eyes shut, coming to an abrupt stop in the middle of the park and then pulled out his phone to see if Nick had replied to his DM. Nothing. He felt a lump rising in his throat and swallowed it down, and then turned, wiped the sweat from his brow, and started to slowly jog home, feeling drained from the run and the memory. 

___

Charlie was packing up his car in preparation for his drive out to Philly. He’d be leaving bright and early the next morning, probably around 7am, so he could get out of Indianapolis before rush hour and arrive in Philadelphia around 4pm, before traffic came to a gridlock on the Blue Route. He’d made this drive dozens of times; 650 miles took him about nine hours if he brought enough snacks and drinks to avoid stopping for anything other than refilling the gas tank and visiting a bathroom. He rationed his drinks of coffee or water to a sip every ten miles so that he didn’t have to pee before his gas tank ran out. Yes, he knew that he was a bit insane, but the long drive was somehow calming to him. Sometimes he’d listen to his favorite artist’s albums, front to back, chronologically from release date, for hours at a time, drumming on the steering wheel, looking in the rearview mirror to check approaching cars, taking a sip of his drink, singing, and he’d enter a Zen state as the hours and miles flew by. His phone buzzed in his pocket. That’ll be Elle or Tori he thought, dropping his pillow, backpack and snacks into the passenger’s seat. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

Unknown: Hey.

Unknown: This is Nick. Nick Nelson.

Charlie’s heart stopped in his chest as he stared at the screen. Oh my god, Nick had texted him! This…this was what he’d been waiting for for weeks now, and it came literally hours before he drove out to Philly - where Nick lived still, he assumed. Aside from the last year of their friendship, which was filled with a new kind of heated but unspoken tension, Charlie had always been able to be his true self around Nick; that was part of the reason he cared about and missed him so much. He hadn’t considered how he would respond if Nick actually reached out to him, but he decided that he owed it to Nick to meet him where he was; if he seemed distant and hurt still about how their friendship had ended, Charlie would try to apologize and make it right. If he seemed like he wanted to avoid it altogether, Charlie would. He quickly saved the number to his contacts.

Charlie : Oh my god! Hi! You texted me!

Nick Nelson!: I did. Thanks for giving me your number. I hate social media.

Charlie : Yes, I’m aware. Thanks for texting me. 

Nick Nelson!: …so. Uh. I guess now we have each other’s contact info. 

Charlie frowned at that. He supposed he had initiated contact originally, but he wasn’t sure where to go from there. Why was it so hard to reconnect in this way? He once again found himself unable to read Nick, especially over a text.

Charlie: Looks like it. Now I can text you all the pictures of this border collie on my street that I’ve taken over the last two years.

Nick Nelson! : You should’ve led with that! Let me see her

Charlie : *image* 

Charlie : *image*

Charlie : *image* 

Charlie : *image*

Charlie : *image* 

Charlie : *image*

Nick Nelson! : Oh my god! She looks just like Nellie did!

Charlie : *image* 

Charlie : *image*

Nick Nelson! : Okay okay, that’s probably enough for now. 

Charlie : I’ve honestly been desperate to show them to you; every time I see her I think of you and Nellie.

Nick Nelson! : That’s nice of you

The conversation stalled for a minute as Charlie weighed telling Nick he was driving out to Philadelphia in the morning. If Nick had seemed a little more responsive or enthusiastic, he may have blurted it out, but as it was, Charlie wasn’t sure it would be received well. The possibility of telling Nick he’d be right there but Nick saying he didn't want to get together caused a deep ache in Charlie's heart, and he wasn’t ready to invite that kind of pain in yet. 

Charlie : So, not sure if you’re busy right now, but I’d love to hear how you’re doing - where do you live, where do you work, who are your friends, how’s Sarah…really anything.

Charlie knew it might take a while for Nick to respond to his peppering of questions, so he tossed his phone onto his passenger seat and headed inside to grab his suitcase for the trunk. He grunted as he lifted the heavy suitcase into the back of the car and slammed the door shut. He couldn’t believe that he was texting with Nick Nelson again, after years of silence. He wished he could jump right back to how they were with each other the night before…everything went to shit , but it was clear from the first few minutes that they weren’t there yet. Even so, the uneasiness of the stilted conversation was outweighed by Charlie’s pure excitement that the chasm had been crossed, finally. He picked up his phone.

Nick Nelson!: South Philly. Habitat for Humanity. Mostly people from work but I see Sai and some others from college sometimes. Mom’s good. 

Charlie let out a scoff as he read the text. It wasn’t always like this, but there were definitely seasons during his and Nick’s friendship where these terse, simple responses were the kind that Nick gave. When he did, Charlie always ended up prying any context out of Nick with a succession of rapid-fire questions. It annoyed Charlie when Nick was like this, partly because Charlie felt like he was annoying Nick with the cascading layers of follow up questions. But somehow, Nick never seemed irritated and answered them gamely, either until he broke out of his rote responses and actually stared opening up, or until Charlie was finally satisfied with the information given. Here we go again , Charlie thought.

Charlie : Same apartment or new. Do you like it? How long have you been at Habitat? What do you do there? Are you happy there? Do you think you’ll work there for a while? How is Sai? Who else from college?  

Nick immediately started typing, to Charlie’s relief. 

Nick Nelson!: Same apartment for a few years. You’ve been here - the place where The Football Game happened. It’s good enough, and some good shops have opened up nearby. Habitat for a year. I did a carpentry apprenticeship when I started and now I oversee framing of new homes and do some custom stuff. I like it for now. Sai is good, same as always, for better and worse (an emo drunk). Sometimes we see Tao, Elle, Sahar. Ben. Not often. 

Charlie smiled - this felt more like the Nick he knew. He breezed into his townhome, typing furiously as he walked through the living area where Isaac was watching the latest episode of Love Island and went straight to his bedroom, jumping onto the bed and scooting back until he was leaning against the headrest, a stupid grin on his face.

Charlie : I thought we promised to never mention The Football Game again. 

Nick Nelson! : Sorry. Also sorry about mentioning Ben. 

Charlie : Ah, fuck Ben, I couldn’t care less. Sounds like things are good for you, then? 

Charlie chewed on his thumb. He wanted to ask if Nick was happy; if he was dating anyone, or had, over the last couple of years. If he could forgive Charlie for what he’d done. 

Nick Nelson! : As good as they can be, sure. 

Charlie : And would you like to know how I am? 

When in doubt, Charlie could always be a little shit and force a conversation with Nick. Nine times out of ten he’d roll his eyes and acquiesce. Charlie was hoping he’d read the tenor of their conversation correctly.

Nick Nelson!: 🙄 I see you haven’t changed.

Charlie : I’m doing great, thanks for asking. Living with my high school buddy Isaac - you've met him once when he visited me in college. I finished my master's and now I'm a guidance counselor at a local high school, the same one I was working at before. Surprisingly (maybe? at least to me), I really love it. I have a burgeoning friend group made up of a few people from work and some from my master’s program. Overall pretty good! 

Charlie decided not to mention that he had recently suffered a heartbreak and had started counseling. Nick seemed to want to keep things surface level, so he would do that. 

Nick Nelson! : Nice

Charlie frowned at that response and gave a deep sigh. Seemed like Nick was about to stonewall him again. Charlie glanced at the time and was surprised that it was after 10pm. He should probably head to bed soon if he wanted to leave early for his drive. Should I tell him I’m coming? It would be so much easier to talk in person. But…maybe it would be more awkward to be face to face . 

Charlie : Well, thanks for giving me your number. I hope it’s okay that I reached out in the first place…

Nick Nelson!: …

Charlie: Did you type out an ellipses? 

Nick Nelson! : …yes

Charlie : Alright well I don’t know what that means in this context. 

Nick Nelson! : Me neither. 

Nick Nelson! : I texted you, so it must’ve been okay that you reached out. 

Charlie: Well I can leave you alone if you don’t want me to text again.

Nick Nelson!: …

Charlie: 😑  Alright well that’s my cue. I’m glad you’re doing well.

Nick Nelson! : Charlie. It’s okay that you texted me. You can text me again if you want. 

Charlie: Okay. You can text me too

Nick Nelson!: Okay

Charlie: I have to get up early, so I’m going to go now.

Nick Nelson!: Okay

Charlie: …

Nick Nelson! : 🖕

Charlie flopped back on his bed and plugged his charger into his phone. What an unsatisfying conversation. In some ways, it felt like no time had passed, and he and Nick were just in each other’s company on a night when neither of them were in great moods, but it was a bit disconcerting when so much time had passed and there was so much Charlie wanted to ask; so much Charlie wanted to say. He had been thinking about the conversation he and Isaac had had, about what Charlie really wanted out of trying to reconnect with Nick. What he said was still true: first and foremost he wanted to know that Nick was okay. And second, he wanted to work toward being friends again. But Charlie had added a third item to the list: he wanted to apologize to Nick for the way he’d treated him and the things he’d said the last time they spoke. If he could be given the chance, he needed to convey to Nick how truly sorry he was, and that he regretted it almost every day since, especially lately. He let out a frustrated groan as he settled into bed for the night. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Six

“Charlieeeee!!!” Elle’s excited voice rang out as he walked up their street. She was standing on her front stoop, waving excitedly, her tall, willowy frame and space buns catching Charlie's eye from several houses away. He threw his arm up in the air in a wave, grinning broadly, and picked up his pace. He had arrived the previous afternoon to Tori and Michael’s house, where he would be staying during his five days in the city. They had prepared a fantastic spread of Mediterranean dishes - three kinds of hummus, homemade pita bread, marinated olives, grilled haloumi, bulgur salad, tzatziki sauce, and lamb meatballs. After subsisting on gas station snacks and Diet Coke for the day, Charlie was famished, and the three of them had made quick work of eating and catching up. They’d gone for a walk around the neighborhood, pointing out their favorite coffee shops and corner parks before getting Charlie settled into the cramped office/guest room for the night. As he settled into the familiar fold-out futon he’d spent so many night on over the years, he felt a still calmness seep into his his bones, like honey dripping over his soul, pressing him into the bed. He marveled at his heavy limbs and steady breathing; it was the first time being back in Philadelphia had felt comforting and familiar instead of oppressive and dark. He'd known in his brain for a while now that he was well and truly over Ben, but it was the first time he could tell that his body understood, too, that this was a safe place now.

Today was his day with Elle and Tao, and he was buzzing with excitement about it. They were getting brunch, followed by a trip to the Barnes Foundation to see the new Edward Hopper exhibit, and then they planned to meet up with Sahar for dinner and drinks. Elle crushed him into a hug, rocking him back and forth before holding him at arm’s length and surveying him.

“You look amazing, Charlie! I can’t believe you’re really here!”

“Compared to you I’m like a grubby toddler,” Charlie responded. “You look like you stepped out of the pages of a Vogue cover shoot.” She clasped his hands and led him into her house.

“Come on, Tao’s just finishing getting ready. I’ll show you our place.”

They stepped into the living area and Charlie took the space in - the walls were painted a dark forest green; gilded golden frames surrounded an eclectic mix of Elle’s paintings, movie poster frames, 3D collages, and simple line drawings. A collection of Polaroids from Elle and Tao’s wedding hung from the ceiling, each connected to a piece of thin fishing wire, arranged in different heights over the dining table; an homage to their love, twisting and spinning gently every time someone walked by. Charlie looked through some of the pictures: Elle and Tao smiling as they cut the cake; Tao posing with his shirt unbuttoned; staring at the camera through the mirror of his dressing room; a close-up of their linked hands, wedding rings glinting in the sunlight; a crowded mass of bodies dancing blurrily with the focus on Elle’s mom taking it all in from the back of the room with tears in her eyes; one of Charlie, Sahar, and Elle with their heads thrown back, mid-laugh, clasping hands with each other. Charlie stepped closer to examine the picture more carefully. His smile was huge, curls unruly after what had probably been hours of dancing and drinking. His tie had been loosened and he’d unbuttoned a few buttons on his shirt. In the background was a sea of people in various states of movement; a little girl twirling in her party dress, an older couple dancing with their arms around each other. And there, off to the side, was a blurry Nick Nelson, sitting at one of the round buffet tables, holding a glass of wine, a bemused expression on his face. Charlie followed Nick’s eyes and felt his stomach drop when he realized that Nick had been watching him. A hint of a smile on his face, cheeks flushed, eyes warm. 

Elle and Tao had gotten married right after graduation, a year before Charlie moved back to Indianapolis. Charlie burned with the memory of inviting Ben to go with him to their wedding, as his official date, and Ben’s obvious embarrassment at the question. It had led to a fight - their last fight, actually. Somehow, Ben scoffing at being Charlie’s date had been the final straw. After years of being on-again and off-again with each other - but always in secret - Charlie had finally gotten up the nerve to tell Ben that he couldn’t do it anymore. They were either together, as a proper couple, or they had to end whatever it was, for good. The invitation to be his date to Elle and Tao’s wedding had been Charlie’s most direct plea for Ben to acknowledge him publicly, but Ben had said no, and somehow the penny finally dropped for Charlie. In that moment, he knew that he would never speak to Ben again. He’d said as much, and asked Ben to honor his wishes, which he did for a while, until the late-night texts picked up again a few months later. Charlie had stuck to his guns, though, and had eventually blocked Ben’s number. And that was it. A fizzled out sputtered ending after four years of waves and torrents. 

“That’s one of my favorites,” Elle said behind Charlie, pulling him out of his thoughts. She touched the polaroid lightly, causing it to sway. “We all look so happy; you look so happy,” she said, meaningfully. “I know that was a tough year for you, but I’m so glad that you got to feel real joy at our wedding.” 

“Aw, Elle,” Charlie said, pulling her into another hug. “Thanks for giving that to me. It was a hard year, but I was okay. And I’m okay now,” he said. He saw the expression in her eyes, searching for truth, and could tell that she wanted to believe him. She squeezed him again before stepping back.

“Charlie!” Tao exclaimed, descending down the stairs across the room. Charlie turned to look at one of his oldest friends; they met on the honor’s college camping trip before they had even taken their first class and had been friends throughout; studying together, eating together in between classes, and collecting people in their orbits to create a strong friend nucleus that had lasted all four years. It was Tao, actually, whose dorm room had become the crux of Charlie’s college experience. His roommate, Peter, was on the cross country team and wasn’t around too much, but his suitemates were Sai - another guy in the honor’s college - and Ben. Sai and Nick had hit it off on the honor’s college trip because of their rugby connection, which brought Nick into the fold, and Charlie obviously knew Tao and Sai, and then met Ben through them. The six of them ended up in random groupings at lunch, in classes, and on weekend hangouts, eventually expanding to add Sahar from the honor’s college and Elle, once she and Tao had met at a film night. That group had driven so much of Charlie’s college experience; from first trips into New York City in the middle of the night in a borrowed car to drunken movie nights sprawled across the floor, to early goodnights to the group with meaningful glances at Ben, who Charlie would wait for by the entrance to their dorm to slip off together for a midnight walk, unnoticed. 

“Oh my god, Tao, just seeing you is bringing back a flood of memories,” Charlie said, giving him a fierce hug.

“It’s about time you came back to visit,” Tao accused with a wink. “It’s just not the same without you.” 

“Oh come on, you’ve gotten used to it by now,” Charlie smirked. “Plus, now you really appreciate me.” 

“Hah! Confident Charlie has entered the chat!” Tao exclaimed with a laugh. Charlie stuck out his tongue. 

“Where are we going, I’m starving,” Charlie said, rubbing his tummy for emphasis. 

The friends headed out to brunch, catching up on the big and little parts of their lives that they hadn’t shared with each other yet over brioche French toast and fresh-squeezed orange juice. Elle was eyeing a promotion at work that hinged on her next editorial shoot, which she’d been obsessing over for weeks. Tao’s most recent film night had been poorly attended, which had caused a rare bout of insecurity. "What am I supposed to do now, start showing Marvel movies?!" Charlie filled them in on his Menace Squad and they listened intently to him describe the steps he’d taken to work on himself after finding out Scott was dating Jesse.

“It sounds like you’re doing really well,” Elle smiled at him. Charlie nodded, chewing on a piece of bacon. 

“Honestly, I’m afraid to question it, but I feel like I’m doing really well,” he confessed. 

“You’re allowed to be happy, Charlie,” Tao chided. “You don’t have to feel like you’re somehow cheating.”

“I know, I’m just not used to being, like, content as my status quo. I’m used to my emotions being a little harder to predict, I guess.” 

“Enjoy this time, then,” Elle said, clasping his hand across the table. “You deserve a lack of drama.” They all nodded, thinking back to the times Charlie showed up at Tao’s door in tears, unable to tell them what was wrong, unaware of their nervous looks over the top of his head. 

“So what else are you doing while you’re out here?” Elle asked, sensing the dampening of the mood.

“Well today I’m with you guys, and then tomorrow I’m taking a day to myself to visit some of my favorite places in the city. No plans in the evening. And then Friday I was thinking of maybe driving out to the shore, just to see the ocean before I drive back to landlocked Indiana. And then I leave on Saturday.”

“Sounds perfect,” Elle said dreamily. 

“You should come to pub quiz with us tomorrow though,” Tao said. 

“Oh yeah!” Elle said excitedly, sitting up straighter. “I think I mentioned to you that we play every week with Sahar? We’ll all be going tomorrow and could use some of your brain power so we finally beat that stupid team from UPenn,” she finished darkly.

“Right, yeah, that’d be fun,” Charlie said, furrowing his brow a bit at the thought. “Just the three of you on your team?” he asked, probing.  

“Yeah, though sometimes Sai and Nick are there and we join forces,” she said lightly. “Actually, we could invite them if you want? Are you going to try to get together with them?” she asked, not knowing the tumult that that question would set off in Charlie’s brain. He remembered that she mentioned seeing Sai and Nick when they texted a while back. He wasn’t sure how much Elle and Tao really knew about his relationship with Nick; they knew that there had been times over the years that Charlie had had a crush, but they had been so focused on their wedding and then the purchase of their townhome and move that they had missed a lot of what transpired over the last year. Knowing Nick, he hadn’t shared much with them. The thought of seeing Nick for the first time in years in a dark pub with close friends who didn’t know the significance of the moment made Charlie’s stomach tie up in knots. He hated the idea of his friends feeling the awkwardness between them without any context, but telling Tao and Elle about everything was similarly nerve wracking.

“Uhh, maybe,” he said, nonchalantly, trying to buy time while he figured out his next step. Elle and Tao looked at him curiously, faces open to whatever Charlie was about to say. I guess I’m doing this, he thought to himself. “Um, actually, things with Nick got kind of complicated a while back and I’m not sure if he’d want to see me,” he said, meeting their eyes nervously across the table. Elle tilted her head to the side, and Charlie saw her and Tao’s eyes meet briefly.

“Oh?” she asked.

“Complicated how?” Tao demanded, looking intently at Charlie. “Did he do something?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Charlie said, shaking his head vehemently. “I mean, it’s Nick we’re talking about.” They all smiled at that, knowing what Charlie meant. Nick would never do something to complicate a relationship. It was the lack of doing that caused the complication in this situation. “Uh, I guess. I mean…I guess we’re about to talk about this,” Charlie said, more to himself than to either of them.

“Wait-” Elle cut in, holding her hands up to stop the conversation. She flagged down their waitress and ordered a round of Bloody Mary’s for the table. When their server was on their way, she told Charlie to continue.

“So, I don’t really know where to start, so I’ll just summarize everything briefly and you can ask questions if you want,” Charlie said. Elle and Tao both nodded. “You know that, like, kind of on and off during college, I had, like, umm, you know. Like, a crush on Nick at some points,” Charlie started. Elle stifled a giggle.

“Yes, Charlie, we know that. We were there. We could tell.” 

“Anyway,” Charlie said pointedly, “nothing ever happened because I was always so focused on the back and forth with Ben. But actually, the year after college, when I finally got rid of him and genuinely started to move on, Nick and I hung out a lot. And I finally had a real, proper, uncomplicated crush on him. And, sometimes, I felt like he had a genuine crush on me, too.” 

Elle and Tao raised their eyes at this, once again looking at each other and communicating wordlessly.

“What,” Charlie asked, looking back and forth between them suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Elle said pointedly. They glared at each other for another beat.

“I’m just asking,” Tao cut in, pausing to search for the right words. “Do you think…are you saying that you genuinely aren’t sure if Nick had a crush on you?” There was an inscrutable look on his face that Charlie couldn’t place.

“Well, I-” 

“Charlie he was like, madly in love with you for ages,” Elle cut in.

“What, no he wasn’t!” Charlie said, gaping at them. Tao closed his eyes and took a slow inhale through his nose, massaging his temples.

“Charlie. Nick and I were mates for years. We basically lived in each other’s dorm rooms.”

“I know you did, but I was there too. I saw what you saw, and you’re totally wrong; Nick maybe had a crush on me that last year, but not before that, at least not for more than a few days here or there.”

“Aw, Charlie, you’re so dumb,” Elle said fondly, patting his forearm patronizingly. “And I guess so are we - we thought you knew the whole time?”

“Why would I know that?” he asked, looking wildly between the two of them.

“Because it was obvious,” Tao said incredulously.

“Harrumph, maybe to you.” Charlie grumped, taking a sip of his Bloody Mary. “Can I just finish my story?”

“Yes, sure, sorry,” Elle said, relaxing back into her chair and taking a dainty sip of her drink. “Go ahead. We won’t interrupt anymore, right Tao?”

“Right, sure,” he said, nodding Charlie on.

“As I was saying, we spent a lot of time together in my last year here after graduation, and at times , I thought maybe he was interested in me. We were kind of like, platonically dating in some ways; going out to dinner and movies, taking turns paying for each other, spending days reading on a blanket at Fairmount Park,” Charlie trailed off a bit, getting lost in a memory and didn’t notice Tao drop his head to the table and start beating it slowly.

“Tao, stop,” Elle whispered. Charlie shook his head at the reverie and continued.

“Anyway, nothing happened. I tried my best to get him to confess, to make a move, to make any clear indication about how he felt, but he wouldn’t. So, I moved.”

Tao and Elle gaped at Charlie, horrified. “So you moved ? Across the country ? You didn’t just ask him?  Or better yet, tell him yourself?” Charlie brought his hands up to his face and shook his head gently, feeling ashamed all over again for the unfair way he’d set Nick up to fail.

“I know, it was so stupid. I should’ve just said something to him.”

“Uh, yeah you should’ve!” Tao shouted, drawing glares from the table next to him. 

“Well then we definitely have to invite him to the pub for trivia night tomorrow! This can be your chance to clear the air!” Elle said excitedly, clapping her hands together. “Please Charlie, please let me text Sai and tell them to come tomorrow!”

“No!” Charlie said forcefully. “There’s…uh…there’s a bit more to the story. And it’s bad. ” The look on Elle’s face dropped.

“Oh..” 

“Yeah…so…long story short, I left, Nick and I kept in touch over the next couple of years, I forced myself not to think of him as anything other than an old college buddy, and then one day I told him about this crush I had on my co-worker Scott…” Charlie trailed off weakly.

“You didn’t,” Elle breathed.

“I did,” Charlie said, nodding sadly. “But in my defense, I thought that enough time had passed and both of us had kind of moved on and decided to leave everything behind.”

“And what happened?” she asked. 

“I…I’ve actually not told this to anyone,” he said, nervously. 

“Tell us now,” Tao said forcefully. 

“Tao,” Elle admonished.

“Sorry. Please. Tell us.”

Charlie took a deep breath. “Well, a couple nights after I told him about Scott, Nick kind of… drunkenlyconfessedthathelovedme. ” Charlie rushed out, squinting his eyes shut at the memory.

“He what?” Elle asked, eyes wide.

“He…he told me that he, um. That he loved me. That he was in love with me.” Charlie said again, pained.

“In what way? Like, how did he say it? Out of the blue a text that said, ‘I love you’ or what? You have to tell us!” Elle pleaded.

“Okay okay, fine. He messaged me and we were chatting, and then he told me he was really mad at me for leaving Philadelphia. And I kind of laughed it off, you know, it had been a couple years since I’d left, so I thought he was just joking. But then he was like, ‘No, you should have stayed. I wanted you to stay.’ And then he just…kind of word vomited? And told me that every night he wished he’d begged me not to leave, and that he had been in love with me - and was in love with me - and that he’d fucked everything up by being an emotional disaster but now it was too late and I had a crush on another guy who was perfect for me, and he’d never be able to get over it and that every potential relationship he’d had since then he’d sabotaged because it wasn’t me, and…it was a lot. ”

“Oh. My. God,” Tao breathed. 

“But he was drunk!”

“Charlie! ”

“Please tell me you told him you loved him too…or at least that you liked him?” Elle whispered, squeezing her eyes shut. “Please tell me you didn’t say something terrible.” A wave of shame washed over Charlie and he was surprised to find tears spring to his eyes. Elle looked at him searchingly, and saw the change in his demeanor. “Oh no, Charlie,” she said, standing up and coming over to his side of the table, kneeling next to him. She dropped her head to his shoulder. “What happened? What did you say?” she asked. To his shock, a sob escaped from Charlie’s throat. He shook his head.

“I…I didn’t tell him I loved him,” he said. “I…I think I maybe … I think I broke his heart,” he said, a tear breaking free and splashing onto his plate. “I told him that, at one point maybe I felt that way, but it was too late and I was happy where I was and didn’t see that changing. And I told him that if he had such a hard time expressing his emotions, he should… consider therapy so he wouldn’t fuck it up again next time?”

Elle pulled back from where she was draped across Charlie’s chest suddenly.

“I’m sorry, what? ” she asked, her eyes changing from comforting to steely.

“It sounds so terrible when I say it like this,” Charlie said. “It…it was terrible. I’ve been realizing lately just how terrible it was.”

“You told him to get a therapist? Like, he confessed some intense things to you and you were like, ‘haha, tell someone else!’?” she asked.

“He was drunk!” Charlie said again. “I really meant to like, cut through the bullshit because he just kept talking about how stupid he was and how he was sabotaging every relationship and how his insides were like, crusted over with barnacles and shit; it was some weird and heavy stuff and I really meant genuinely that if he was so internally jumbled up he should talk to someone, but that it couldn’t be me. That I was far away, living a different life, and I couldn’t be that person for him.” Another tear slipped down Charlie’s cheek. “I know now that it was shitty of me, and not empathetic, but I was also pissed off - why couldn’t he have said any of it before I left? I really liked him, and really wanted to be with him, and then he sprung it on me out of the blue a couple years later, right when I’d really started to hit my stride?” Charlie asked, defending his past self. “I didn’t mean to hurt him, but…after that night, we… like, I think he deleted my number, and he got a new phone, and we literally never spoke again.” 

Elle sat back on her heels, still crouched next to Charlie. “Oh Charlie, ” she whispered.

“Damn,” Tao echoed.

“I know I really fucked things up,” Charlie said with a gulp. 

“Well, maybe not permanently, but at least for a little while, it sounds like,” Elle said kindly. She was always able to speak the truth with kindness; Charlie wished he could be more like that. “I get why inviting him to trivia night might not be the best idea.”

“There is one final piece of information, but it’s super-recent,” Charlie offered meekly, checking to see if Elle and Tao were still willing to talk with him about it. Tao nodded at him. Charlie took a steadying breath. “Well, he’s been on my mind a lot lately - you all have, really, since the whole thing with Scott happened. I…I don’t want to fall out of touch with the people in my life that I care about. When I wasn’t preoccupied with Scott anymore, I realized that I’d been kind of shit at keeping in touch with people, like you guys, and Sahar; even Tori. Just because I don’t live here anymore doesn’t mean I have to cut everyone out of my life as if it never happened.” Elle and Tao nodded.

“Yeah, it was really nice to hear from you when you texted,” she said, standing up and heading back to her seat now that they were on more solid ground. 

“Yeah, and I figured, with Tori and Michael living here, I’ll always end up in Philly once or twice a year anyway, and seeing old friends, even just a couple of times a year, is enough to maintain a good relationship. Right?”

“Definitely, Charlie. I only see some of my friends from high school over the holidays, but that’s enough for us to feel like we’re a part of each other’s lives,” Tao said, with a smile. “Are you telling me we get Charlie Spring Summers every year now?”

“Maybe, yeah! Charlie Summer and Charlie Winter to go along with your Charlie Spring?” He asked hopefully. They all giggled at the play on words. “Anyway, so when I realized this and got in touch with you, I realized how bad I had fucked things up with Nick, so…I tried to reach out to him. Long story short, just like, two days ago now, actually, he texted me back and we chatted for a little bit.”

“That’s great, Charlie!” Elle said, her eyes lighting up with this new information. “Did it feel okay?”

“Ehhh, not really,” Charlie answered. “It was definitely awkward, but at least now I have his number and the two-year ice is broken, so I’m hoping that, over time, maybe we can become friends again, and hopefully, I’ll get a chance to apologize.” 

“Did you tell him you were coming out here?” Tao asked.

“I didn’t - I thought it was maybe too soon to drop that on him literally the day we spoke to each other for the first time in years.” Tao and Elle nodded thoughtfully, seemingly unsure of what to say next. 

“There is one minor issue,” Elle started, glancing at Tao. Charlie raised an eyebrow at her.

“What’s that?” he asked.

“Well, he and Sai do show up to trivia with some regularity. Not like, every week like we do, but maybe…every few weeks? A third of the time?” She asked, looking at Tao who nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, there’s definitely a non-zero chance he’s there tomorrow, whether we invite him or not,” Tao said.

“Well, that would be super-awkward if he did show up,” Charlie said, imagining how surprised Nick would be if suddenly Charlie walked into his neighborhood pub two days after they texted.

“Maybe you should let him know you’re in town?” Elle suggested, question in her voice. The three of them all looked back and forth at each other. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Charlie said, biting on his thumbnail, wondering. “Maybe I just tell him that I’m in town and going to pub night, in case he’s there? Is it weird if I don’t invite him though?” 

“No, I think you can be honest that you just don’t want to surprise him in the chance he and Sai were planning to go…” Elle said, trailing off. “I’m sure you’ll figure out a good way to do it.”

“Yeah, okay,” Charlie said, contemplating. They settled into silence again before paying for their meals and heading out into the sunlight.

Their trip to the Barnes Foundation was perfect - it had always been Charlie’s favorite art museum in a city that had dozens. The modern exterior and grounds, with their perfectly landscaped gardens and reflecting pools belied the warmth on the inside, where the yellow walls and arched walkways were filled with beautiful impressionist paintings from Van Gogh, Renoir, and Matisse. As they had learned over the years, they had different ways of appreciating the art, and Charlie broke off from Elle and Tao to wander on his own, taken in by the familiar sounds of clipped footsteps on wooden floors, hushed whispers, and distant city traffic. He made his way outdoors and sat by the reflecting pool, enjoying the sun on his skin, and pulled out his phone.

Charlie: Hey, sorry to text again so soon, but I kind of thought you should know that I’m in Philly right now. I didn’t mention it the other day because I wasn’t sure if…you’d want to know? Anyway, I’m going to pub trivia with Elle and Tao and Sahar tomorrow night and they mentioned you and Sai are there sometimes, and I really didn’t want to like, ambush you in case you were going to be there. 

Charlie waited for a couple of minutes, seeing if Nick would text him right back, but when it was clear he wasn’t going to, he pocketed his phone and headed back into the museum. At least Nick wouldn’t be totally unprepared if he went to trivia. Who knows, maybe would decide to join them if he wanted to see Charlie. He doubted that was where Nick was at, but ever since that year after college, he’d learned that he wasn’t very good at predicting what Nick would do and how he was feeling.

He ran into Elle and Tao in one of the side rooms, whispering animatedly about one of the Matisse paintings. 

“Charlie!” Elle said, grabbing him by the shoulder and pointing at the painting excitedly. “What do you see when you look at this? Tao and I have totally opposite thoughts.” Charlie peered at the painting, Le Bonheur de Vivre, with its bright palette and reclining men and women in various states of revelry.

“I mean, it’s some sort of like, celebration of spring and life and joy,” Charlie said, peering at it. “It’s about celebrating and embracing who you are and indulging…leaning into hedonism.” 

Elle nodded, her eyes sparkling. “I totally agree,” she said reverently. Tao huffed and rolled his eyes. 

“What do you think, Tao?” Charlie asked, curiously.

“I think it’s all of that, but there’s also like, an ominous presence to it all,” he said, pointing at the tall trees bending toward the celebrants. “It’s like they’re in this delightful place, but it’s closing in on them; it’s ending.” Elle shook her head resolutely.

“I just don't see that, Tao,” she said. Charlie’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he took a few steps away, letting their argument continue. He pulled it out.

Nick Nelson!: Oh.

Charlie groaned to himself. 'Why is he so opaque to me now?'  He sighed loudly and started composing a text back. He was the one who wanted to get in touch with Nick. He was the one who smashed their relationship. He would have to do the legwork necessary to get it back.

Charlie: Yeah, sorry. If you were planning on going and don’t want to see me, I don’t have to go. 

Nick Nelson!: Sai and I were planning on being going tonight, yeah.

Charlie: Alright, it’s really fine. I can do a rain check. 

Nick Nelson!: No that’s not what I meant. 

Charlie: Oh. Sorry, I can’t read your tone over text. I feel like I’m talking to the Riddler.

Nick Nelson!: I just meant…we are going. So it sounds like I will see you.

Charlie: Oohhhhh. Is that okay?

Nick Nelson!: Charlie.

Charlie: What?

Nick Nelson!: Come on. 

Charlie: You come on! I don’t know what you’re thinking!

Nick Nelson!: It’s sad to me that you think I wouldn’t want to see you. 

Oh. Charlie wasn’t expecting that . Though it was nice to know Nick would be okay with it, Charlie still felt like he was on uneven ground, unsure which way was up, whether he was facing forward or backwards. Nick used to be so open with how he was feeling, but ever since they'd reconnected, his mindset was like an impenetrable wall.

Charlie: Well…look. We haven’t talked in ages, and the last time we did was…different. I’m want to be considerate.

Nick Nelson!: Wait, do you not want to see me? 

Charlie shook his head as he responded, texting furiously.

Charlie: Of course I want to see you, obviously.

Nick Nelson!: Okay then. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow. 

Charlie huffed out a frustrated breath and ran his fingers through his hair exasperatedly. He gritted his teeth as he typed back a response.

Charlie: Sounds like it - you'd better be good at trivia.  

Okay, so this was happening. Charlie had 24 hours to prepare. 'Here goes nothing.'

Chapter Text

Chapter Seven

Charlie gripped the steering wheel, centering himself before stepping out of his car. He looked across the parking lot to the familiar buildings hunched around an open grassy quad. Behind him was a sidewalk path that disappeared into the woods, and he could practically smell the stagnant pond a few paces further. He took a steadying breath and then opened the car door. ' You have to do this,' he said sternly.

The campus was mostly empty - the students were on Spring Break, and it was the middle of a Thursday morning, so there weren’t many other visitors. Charlie had decided, the night before, during his dinner and drinks with Tao, Elle, and Sahar, to visit Hopkins the next morning. They had encouraged him to do it to see what had changed since he’d last been there, almost five years ago. Elle had offered to join him, knowing more about the dread Charlie would be feeling at the prospect of seeing so many of the places that were haunted by his memories, but Charlie told her that he needed to do it on his own. Geoff had actually suggested that he visit, as a way to physically accept that he was different now; time had passed, the grounds and buildings at Hopkins had changed, and he had changed too. Just as there were new residence halls and renamed libraries, he had built new skills; tools that he used to make sure he was living life the way he wanted to now. Geoff and Charlie had picked out a few places on campus that held meaningful memories he was supposed to sit with instead of barreling through and squashing down. And even though Charlie really did feel that he had moved past everything Ben had done to him, he still hadn’t forgiven himself for the way he’d let Ben affect him and the people around him. So the first place he headed was the steps that lead into the dining hall.

He picked his way up the curving staircase behind the dining hall; it was outdoors, overgrown with ivy, wide enough for ten students to stand next to each other, overlooking yet another placid pond. Rarely had Charlie used this staircase to get into the dining hall; he usually went through the front entrance and past the mailroom. But the first time he’d ever met Ben was the first time he had ever gone to the dining hall, and as a freshman who didn’t know his way around, he’d assumed the line of nervous kids piled along those picturesque stairs was the way he needed to go. He trailed his fingers along the wide, curved stone handrail as he ascended, feeling its roughness beneath his fingers and the light breeze in his hair. He reached the top, where the wide set of stairs opened onto a large patio with a few wrought iron tables and chairs placed around the perimeter, large wooden double doors leading into the building in the middle. 

From this vantage point, Charlie could see the gazebo at the base of the staircase, overlooking the pond, and remembered just how many upperclassmen had proposed there; in his first year or two, tears would spring to his eyes when he saw someone drop to his knee, flustered hands covering mouths and elated shrieks ringing through the campus every few months. Over time though, Charlie had grown cynical. ' Why does everyone propose there? There are so many other pretty places on campus . Also, you guys are TWENTY.' He made his way to one of the black curved seats and sat down, noting how uneven it was on the stone patio as the chair rocked back and forth under him, never feeling stable. The giant oak tree, standing tall behind the back of this building, dappled the patio in sunlight, quivering in the breeze. Charlie could smell the familiar mix of fresh soil, cut grass, honeysuckle, and old books and he inhaled sharply through his nose and let his eyes flutter closed. 

_________

Charlie rushed out of his room and skipped down the steps from his dorm and onto campus. He had been back from the Honors College camping trips for two hours, and in that time had unpacked, started a load of laundry, and taken a much needed shower. The campus he’d returned back to was buzzing with freshmen, who had all moved in the day before. Instead of the deserted hall he remembered, there was pounding dance music coming from one corner of the hall, boys wandering to and from the community bathroom, and empty cardboard boxes littering the hallway. ‘ I guess it’s time to get my extrovert on,’ he thought grimly. After a week of intense group discussions and whispers with his tentmate that lasted late into the night, Charlie was feeling a bit drained. It was for this reason that he’d opted out of the group dinner a few people in his cohort had planned. He’d just spent a week with everyone there, anyway, and he wanted to give himself a chance to meet some new friends. So, he made his way across campus by himself, trusting the fates (and the fact that nearly everyone else there didn’t have a group of twenty people they already knew) to help him find a friendly table to sit at. 

As he approached the center of campus and the building that housed the dining hall, mailroom, coffee shop, and administrative offices, he noticed a line of people snaking around the back of the building, up curved stone steps. ‘ This must be it ,’ he thought, making his way over and slipping into the line. He turned to look out over the staircase, breathlessly taking in the carved gazebo jutting into the edge of yet another pond. He couldn’t believe this was going to be where he lived for the next four years. Visions of thought-provoking discussions in ivory towers danced in his mind.

“Hi,” he heard from behind him. Charlie turned back around and looked up at who he presumed had spoken. With the sun behind his head, the stranger’s hair was lit up like a halo, and Charlie squinted, trying to make out a face.

“Hey,” he answered, uncertain if it was someone he had already met or not. He brought his hand up to block the sun over his eyes and finally got a look at who he was speaking to. His breath caught in his throat. He was extremely handsome - tanned skin, bright green eyes, and sandy brown hair that swooped perfectly over his forehead. Charlie felt a rush of insecurity as he remembered his own frazzled curls, still damp from the shower, and his ‘laundry’ outfit, which consisted of a tattered old sweatshirt from his high school and a pair of athletic shorts.

“I’m Ben, this is Peter,” the boy said, pointing to the taller, more muscular blond person next to him.

“Charlie,” he said, nodding at Ben and Peter.

“Are you here by yourself?” Ben asked.

“Oh, yeah, my roommate wasn’t around and I was hungry so I just headed over,” Charlie answered. “Are you guys roommates?”

“Suitemates,” Peter said. “My roommate, Tao, came over with some other people a bit ago.”

“Actually, I think Sai went with Tao and his group, too,” Ben said to Peter. “Sai is my roommate.”

“Oh, small world,” Charlie said with a grin. “I actually know both Tao and Sai. So you four are suitemates then?” 

“Yeah! You must be in the honor’s college? I’m surprised you aren’t with them all,” Ben said, narrowing his eyes slightly, sizing Charlie up. Charlie flushed at this.

“Oh, well, I figured I just spent a week with them, might as well get to know some other people,” he answered with a shrug, warming at Ben’s approving nod in response. 

“So, what are you going to study?” Ben asked curiously, looking Charlie up and down. His eyes lingered for a moment on Charlie’s wrist, where he was wearing a rainbow friendship bracelet that he’d bought at the LGBTQ+ Society fundraiser earlier that day. Charlie unconsciously fingered the bracelet around his wrist, hoping that Ben and Peter weren’t homophobic.

“I’m not sure, I’m considering some kind of English - either creative writing or literature, what about you?” 

“I’m studying economics,” Peter said firmly, not a shred of uncertainty in his voice. 

“I’m not sure yet,” Ben said, his eyes twinkling. “I could be convinced to go any direction, really,” he whispered conspiratorially, leaning forward as if it was a secret. Charlie felt a flutter in his stomach. In the context of the conversation, the words Ben said made sense, but the way he said them and his lingering interest in Charlie’s bracelet gave him pause. 

“Yeah,” he said, embarrassed by the breathy giggle that escaped his mouth. He had no chill around cute boys, especially if they were flirty.

The three of them made their way into the cafeteria and found a few seats together at one of the long community tables. They set down their bags and separated from each other to get their dinners. After browsing the hot line, the grill, and the salad bar, Charlie had an extremely ‘first year student at his first time in the dining hall’ dinner on his plate: a slice of cheese pizza, a bowl of Lucky Charms, some grapes, a cup of cream of mushroom soup, and a slice of chocolate cake. He picked his way carefully through the tables, heading back to his seat, when he heard someone call his name across the way.

“Hey, Charlie!” It was Nick Nelson, who was sitting with a couple girls Charlie didn’t know. He pointed to the empty seat next to with his eyebrows raised. Charlie smiled at him but shook his head lightly, jerking his chin in the direction of where he was headed. He walked over and settled into his seat next to Ben, feeling Nick’s eyes follow him from across the cafeteria.

“That…is an extremely chaotic dinner, Charlie,” Ben said with widened eyes. Charlie giggled, again . 

“I think I worked up an appetite on the camping trip,” he confessed. “There’s only so many miles you can hike on PB&J for a week.”

“I’m sure you did,” Ben answered lightly. “By the way, I like your bracelet,” he said, nodding at Charlie’s wrist in between their trays. Charlie’s eyes darted up to Ben’s, searching for meaning. Was he making fun of him? Acknowledging that he noticed? Confessing something?

“Yeah, thanks,” Charlie said, shyly. “I got it at the LGBTQ+ Society fundraiser.”

“Oh, I’m familiar,” Ben said. “I left mine back in my dorm room though.” He glanced at Charlie, and when their eyes met, Charlie felt like the bottom of the ground had dropped out from beneath him. 

“Oh,” Charlie said, swallowing awkwardly and trying to hide the heat he felt rising on his cheeks. Ben was very attractive, and apparently very gay. “That’s…nice.” Ben bumped his thigh against Charlie’s in a friendly gesture, but let his leg linger a beat longer than necessary.

“Yeah,” he answered, looking back to his plate as Peter walked up with his tray. “I just….” he glanced at Peter, who was distracted by maneuvering his chair away from the table. “I prefer to keep some things to myself, at least when I am meeting new people.” 

Charlie nodded in understanding, realizing that Ben wasn’t out to Peter yet - and perhaps Sai and Tao as well. 

“Well, your secret’s safe with me,” he murmured lightly, before he turned to greet Peter with a wave. Ben bumped thighs with his again, and Charlie could barely hide the smile that overtook his face. 

________

Charlie blinked his eyes open, wincing at how bright the sun seemed. He was still alone on the deserted patio, birds chirping and leaves rustling in the breeze. He inhaled shakily as he came back to himself. It had been so long since he thought about the first time he’d met Ben; he’d almost forgotten that their whole clandestine existence started with Charlie’s rainbow bracelet on that very first night. He sighed, feeling uneasy and sad. If only he’d gotten over his pride and just gone to dinner with his new honors college friends instead of stubbornly going by himself. If only he’d taken a few minutes longer in the shower, or waited until his laundry was done. But no; nothing would’ve changed, he admitted bitterly. He and Ben were destined to meet; with Sai as his roommate and Tao as his suitemate, Charlie would’ve found his way over to their rooms eventually, whether they had met at dinner that night or not. As it ended up happening, Tao, Sai, and Charlie became close friends, who spent hours studying together for their honors college courses, sprawled out on the floor of one of their rooms, while Peter and Ben wove their way in between them, joining with their own homework or playing video games in whichever room wasn’t occupied. At some point, the foursome became five when Nick Nelson stopped by one evening to chat with Sai about the intramural rugby team they were on, surprised to find Charlie and Tao studying with him. He settled in, chatting with the group about the Honor’s Philosophy exam they were studying for, (“Oh my god, I remember the first exam in that class; I bombed it so hard I thought Dr. Cary was going to kick me out of class,”) and eventually, Peter and Ben wandered in from the other room and the six of them ended up ordering a bunch of pizzas and watching The Royal Tenenbaums . After that night, the suite became a home-away-from-home for both Charlie and Nick, and it was always full of a rotating assortment of people, eventually expanding to include Elle, a girl Tao met at the Cinema Club social, and Sahar, another girl from Nick’s year who Charlie was especially fond of. 

This nucleus of people went on to inform so much of Charlie’s life, he realized now. How could he have known in the first few weeks of college that, contained within those walls, would be at least one happily married couple, one man who would slowly grind away at his self-esteem and leave him desperate to start a new life, and another who was always there, always waiting patiently, for Charlie to see him. Or at least, that’s what Tao and Elle wanted Charlie to believe. He still wasn’t sure that that was Nick’s narrative; perhaps he was just bemused by the whole thing, watching it unfold in front of him without being an active participant. But. But what if. What if he had been waiting for a chance that Charlie never gave him? Charlie groaned and stood up. There were other places on campus he needed to see. 

He meandered around, following a loose train of thought about which places on campus might bring back memories for him. The next stop after the dining hall steps was his dorm. The door was locked, and his code from five years ago didn’t work anymore, so he walked around the perimeter of the building. Right by the parking lot he was stopped dead in his tracks with a memory of the night a car in the parking lot right outside of his window had caught on fire at 4am. Of course, he and most everyone else on his hall had been asleep. He was jarred awake by the fire alarm and faint yells from outside. He’d blearily pulled on a sweatshirt and grabbed his phone before stumbling outside in a long line of similarly zombie-esque students. They stood huddled a safe distance away, watching the car engulfed in flames, when he noticed Sahar running toward him, a determined look on her face.

“Charlie, we have to report on this!” she said urgently as she approached. 

“What?” Charlie asked, rubbing his eyes and trying to make sense of what she meant.

“For the paper! This is a huge story - someone’s car got vandalized and burst into flames!” she said, waving her arm around behind her. 

“Oh, like, write an article ?” he asked dazedly. Finally the penny dropped. Right. Sahar was the managing editor of their campus paper, and he was a staff writer. He must have been really asleep. 

“Yes,” she said impatiently. “I’m going to start interviewing people - can you run across campus to the office and get the camera? We need pictures while it’s still in flames!” 

Charlie furrowed his brow. “Feels a bit predatory when you say it like that,” he muttered. 

“Charlie! Go!” she said, pushing him slightly. He hesitated and looked across the deserted campus. It was so dark and quiet, and a heavy layer of fog had moved in overnight. He gulped as he saw the path disappearing into the woods, fog obstructing the view.

“It’s a bit…spooky out there, don’t you think,” he asked nervously. “Can’t my phone take good enough pictures?”

“Charlie I swear to god,” Sahar said, shaking her head and staring him dead in the eyes.

“I’ll go with you.” Charlie and Sahar turned to see Nick approaching them from his dorm room across the way, which must have been evacuated as well, more students spilling onto the sidewalk from the emergency exits.

“Perfect, there Charlie, Nick will protect you. Now go !” she said, pulling out a notebook from her pocket and approaching a student who was crying softly, huddled next to the resident director.

“Come on,” Nick said, his voice gravelly with sleep. “I’ll change my mind if we don’t go now.”

“Okay, thanks,” Charlie said, and the two of them turned and jogged off together into the dark campus.

Charlie stepped up the stairs at the entrance of his old dorm and peeked through the window. He could see the lounge that he never hung out in, but often had groups of friends gathered around the TV, watching Love Island and cramming fistfuls of chips into their mouths. It always smelled like Orange Fanta and Doritos in there…

Charlie stepped excitedly into the lounge from his hall, scanning the faces to see if Isaac had made it. He was halfway through his freshman year, and one of his best friends from high school had decided to pay him a visit during his spring break. Their eyes finally met across the room and Charlie skipped over, giving him a tight hug.

“Isaac! I’ve missed you so much! I can’t believe you’re here, in my college dorm room lounge,” Charlie exclaimed with a laugh.

“And what a beautiful lounge this is,” Isaac said, wrinkling his nose at the stale air.

“Come on, I’ll show you my room. I hope you don’t mind sleeping on the couch,” Charlie said, grabbing his hand and pulling him into his hall.

They had spent an afternoon getting Isaac settled, introducing him to guys on the hall, and eventually met up with their group for dinner. Isaac met everyone: Elle, Tao, Ben, Nick, Sahar, and Sai, and they all had a great time hearing Isaac tell them about ‘High School Charlie’, teasing him for being as nerdy as they suspected. Charlie was delighted to see Isaac chatting happily with his new friends, and couldn’t wait until they were back in his room and he could grill him about his impressions of everyone. He was particularly curious about what Isaac thought of Ben; Did he think Ben was attractive? Did he think Ben was nice? Had he noticed anything between him and Charlie? They got back to his room that evening and settled in with a movie and snacks to catch up before a busy week ahead.

“So, what’d you think of my mates?” Charlie asked, watching Isaac closely.

“Yeah, seems like a great group you’ve found. Elle and Tao are a thing , right?” 

“I’m pretty sure, yeah, but they haven’t said,” Charlie answered with a nod. 

“And that Nick sure is fit,” Isaac said, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Oh god, tell me about it,” Charlie answered. “His biceps are thicker than my thighs. ” They giggled at that.

“What’d you think of everyone else,” Charlie pressed, trying to be nonchalant. Isaac’s brows furrowed.

“Oh, um…they were alright? Sai seems super smart but kind of quiet. Ben - I couldn’t quite get a read on him. He seemed…aloof?” Isaac asked, meeting Charlie’s eyes.

“Aloof? How do you mean?”

“Oh I dunno…his eyes seemed to skitter about a lot?” Isaac said with a shrug. Charlie bristled internally.

“He’s really nice, Isaac. Maybe he has a lot on his mind.”

“Oh, sure, I’m not saying he wasn’t nice,” Isaac said, glancing at Charlie curiously. “Why do you ask?”

“Nothing, just…wondering what you thought is all,” Charlie responded. They were interrupted by a knock at the door. 

“Expecting anyone?” Isaac asked. Charlie shook his head as he made his way to the door. Nick was standing on the other side, a lopsided smile.

“Hey,” he said, smiling at Charlie. “Hey again, Isaac,” he said, looking into the room and nodding at Isaac.

“Hi Nick,” Isaac said cheerfully.

“I heard you mention at dinner that you’d forgotten to pack a toothbrush?” he said, his cheeks turning slightly pink as he reached behind his neck and started fiddling with the short hairs back there.

“Oh?” Isaac asked, glancing at Charlie.

“Yeah, you just…anyway. I had an extra. So I thought maybe you’d want it? I mean, obviously you can go get a toothbrush at the campus store, but…this was just sitting in my bathroom drawer. I’m not going to use it. So…here you go.” Nick held out a toothbrush still in its package. Charlie and Isaac looked back at him, surprised.

“That’s so nice of you,” Charlie said, a grin spreading across his face. “Even if you were eavesdropping on a private conversation…”

“Oh fuck off, you guys were literally sitting next to me,” Nick said, rolling his eyes. “Isaac doesn’t have to brush his teeth if he doesn’t want to,” Nick said, moving to grab the toothbrush back.

“Isaac does want to brush his teeth!” Isaac yelped from across the room. “Thank you, Nick. You are very kind and I will repay you someday, if it’s the last thing I do,” he said dramatically. 

“Oh I see why you two are friends; you’re both menaces,” Nick said with a scoff. “Anyway, see you around Isaac? You’re here for a few days?”

“Yep, till Saturday!” 

Nick nodded and waved, shutting the door behind him. Charlie turned back to Isaac and leaned back against the door.

“Okay, he’s my favorite of your friends,” Isaac said, nodding seriously. 

“Yeah, I’m beginning to think so too,” Charlie confessed.

Next up, Charlie walked to the large athletic fields in the middle of the campus. The fields shared by the rugby and lacrosse teams were encircled by a track, with bleachers on one side nestled into the side of a hill. One of the larger campus dorms - the one that most of his friends lived in - sat atop the hill. On the other side of the fields were the paths that criss-crossed campus, heading into the woods and snaking around ponds. He found his way to the bleachers and took a seat on the sun-warmed metal, looking out across the grass. He’d spent many hours on these fields, going for late-night jogs around the track when he couldn’t sleep; nestled under blankets with Elle, Tao, and Ben during crisp autumn days, cheering on Nick and Sai for their intramural rugby games; sledding down the hill on cafeteria trays when the campus was enveloped in a surprise snowfall. 

He remembered one sunlit afternoon, when he and some guys from his hall had decided to  play a quick game of soccer as a study break, burning off excess energy and nerves as they approached the end of the semester. As they played, a few others who were walking by joined in and the game turned from a silly way to get fresh air to something that actually resembled a friendly scrimmage. Charlie wasn’t a particularly skilled soccer player, but he was at least moderately coordinated and could run circles around most of the boys he was playing with, so he was enjoying one of the rare occasions where he got to play a team sport with a ball and not feel like a complete idiot. At some point, Nick had wandered by the field on his way back from the dining hall and perched on the bleachers, watching Charlie and a few other friends with amusement.

“Oi, Nick! Join us! The other team is killing us and we could use an actual athlete on our side!” James called out, gasping for breath. There were echoes of agreement from James’ team. 

“Yeah Nick! Come on!”

“Nick please!” 

Nick had smiled and brushed them off. “I literally just ate four pieces of pizza. But I’ll cheer you on,” he’d offered good-naturedly. 

Charlie noticed that half of the other team was busy trying to convince Nick to join them, so he decided to take advantage of their distraction. He sprinted toward the ball, a look of focused determination in his eyes. Just as he was about to make contact, James threw his arms up in the air exasperatedly at Nick’s unwillingness to play, and his elbow connected with Charlie’s nose dead on. 

“Oh fuck!” Charlie yelled out, immediately dropping to the ground like a sack of flour, his hands flying to his face. When he brought them away, they were wet with blood.

“Oh my god, Charlie, I’m so sorry!” James said, running over to him and dropping to his knees. “Are you okay?”

Charlie nodded his head dazedly, slowly standing with the help of James’ offered hand. “Yeah, I’ll be fine - I think it’s just a bloody nose.” He took a few steps toward the sideline, where Nick had been sitting, noticing that he was making his way over as well.

“Are you alright, Charlie?” he asked, concern lacing his features. Charlie nodded again, keeping his fingers pressed to his nose. He felt the sting of tears as the shock of the impact wore off and a dull throbbing started behind his eyes. “Come on, then,” Nick said, taking Charlie by the elbow. “Sit over here until the bleeding stops.” Charlie nodded and let himself be led to the bleachers. The guys on the field, realizing that Charlie would indeed be fine, returned to their game. Nick dropped back down where he’d been sitting before, pulling Charlie down gently by the elbow he still held. Charlie closed his eyes and sighed deeply, leaning his head back to stop the bleeding. 

“This is my first ever bloody nose,” he said, lightly.

Nick turned to face him, surprised. “Is it really? Well, how do you find the experience?” 

Charlie let out a chuckle. “Ten out of ten,” he said dryly. “I’m trying not to think about, like, blood running down my throat when I tilt my head back, but honestly, is that what’s happening?” he asked, cracking an eye open to look at Nick. Nick grimaced.

“When you put it that way…” he shuddered. “Let’s just pretend it’s about…elevating your nose…I don’t know…above your heart? Really, I’m not a doctor, Charlie.” He looked at Charlie curiously, observing his friend plugging his nose and sticking his chin up in the air.

“It actually really hurts,” Charlie confessed. He squeezed his eyes shut again when he touched his nose as a wave of pain washed over him.

“Yeah…bloody noses are harmless but getting elbowed straight to the face has to got to hurt,” Nick agreed. “Do you want to rest your head on my shoulder or something so your neck doesn’t hurt? The way you’re sitting just looks…really uncomfortable.” Nick gestured at Charlie’s rigid position, trying to balance on a backless bleacher and lean his head back at the same time.

Charlie rolled his neck around, assessing, and then slid a couple inches away from Nick and lowered his head down onto his shoulder gently. “Thanks,” he muttered, pulling his hand away from his face for a second to see if his nose was still bleeding.

“Hey, watch the shirt,” Nick joked, and they both giggled, noticing Nick’s dark blue, practically threadbare shirt, which was splattered with white paint across the chest and stomach. It had to have been laundry day.

“Honestly, this shirt was made for bloody noses,” Charlie said, bunching up a bit of the sleeve and bringing it to his face. Nick jerked away, accidentally knocking Charlie’s hand into his nose again.

“Ow, god!” Charlie cried out. Nick’s eyes bugged out and he immediately reached out to grab Charlie’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry!” he said. “I thought you were joking… I didn’t mean to hit your nose again!” Charlie took a few deep breaths, trying to control the pain pulsing in his head. He squeezed his eyes shut, another batch of tears threatening to fall. “Charlie, really, I’m so sorry,” Nick said, squeezing his shoulder and ducking his head to look Charlie in the eyes.

“I know, it’s fine,” Charlie muttered. “That just really hurt.” 

“Let me see it,” Nick breathed, putting a finger under Charlie’s chin and raising it up so he could get a better look at the rapidly swelling nose. Nick inspected him carefully, looking from several angles. “I think it’s going to be okay, but maybe we should get you an ice pack,” he said gently, his fingers ghosting over Charlie’s nose. He dropped his eyes to look at Charlie, who noticed him inhale a shaky breath. They stared at each other for a few seconds, Nick’s fingers still resting on Charlie’s face. Charlie noticed that same hesitant look he sometimes saw in Nick’s eyes - an uncertainty, a nervousness, a…fondness? He held his breath, feeling some of the butterflies that appeared every so often in Nick’s presence. 

“Okay,” he whispered. 

They still hadn’t broken eye contact when Nick opened his mouth to speak again. “I know your eyes are watering because you're trying not to cry, but…they look really pretty right now,” he whispered, his breath brushing across Charlie’s upturned face. Nick looked away nervously as soon as he said it and dropped his hand, the blush on his cheeks burning brighter. 

Charlie let out a surprised laugh. “My eyes look really pretty?” he asked with a dazed look on his face, missing the feel of Nick’s gentle touch, a confusing mix of warmth and pain and - was that desire? - coursing through him.

“They do!” Nick said, exasperated. “They’re like, bluer than any eyes I’ve ever seen on a real person!”

“Oh Nick,” Charlie said fondly, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’ll keep that in mind in case I ever need a fun party trick.”

“Whatever,” Nick muttered. “They do.”

“Come on, you promised me an ice pack,” Charlie said, standing up and heading back toward the dorms.

Charlie made his way back to his car slowly. He felt drained of energy, as if he’d actually relived the moments he remembered that morning. There was a niggling thought in the back of his mind that he hadn’t quite been able to place yet, but it made him melancholy. He wound through the back roads that surrounded the campus, marveling at the same historic stone homes and manicured lawns he’d been envious of years ago. If he had looked hard enough, he might have been able to see the ghost of his former self, talking in hushed tones about his day, full of yearning, winding through these neighborhoods with Ben under the warm glow of front porch lights and lamp posts. Charlie had been so giddy the first few times he and Ben snuck off campus to meander through the darkened streets; electricity buzzing beneath his skin, a tiny smile that he couldn’t wipe off his face as he realized that Ben had chosen him to spend his time with instead of anyone else. They talked about everything in the early days: their families (Ben’s parents were rich and conservative), their classes (he was studying finance), their high school experiences (Ben was popular but closeted; much like he was in the present). Charlie had listened patiently, clucking his tongue empathetically, as Ben talked about how he would never be able to come out to his family. He assured Ben that things could get better; he could be who he really was with Charlie, no hiding. 

‘He took that invitation too far,’ Charlie thought grimly as he navigated back onto the highway. Who Ben was was a coward: afraid of his identity, casually cruel to Charlie when he realized that Charlie would always forgive him, insistent about his physical needs. Charlie had excused away so much of Ben’s behavior, but eventually the toxic pattern was as familiar to him as his own mind: Ben would pull away, disgusted by his inability to control his own desires. Charlie would become more needy and insecure, willing to do anything to keep Ben’s attention. Ben would start dating someone publicly - always a girl - and with the fire of ten thousand suns, Charlie would vow that he would never take Ben back. He would declare loudly to himself that he was moving on , and would spend more time with Tao, Elle, Sai, Nick, and Sahar. He and Nick, who always had at least a class or two together due to their honors college ties, would play Mario Kart for hours and meet to study in quiet corners of the library. He’d wonder sometimes if he had a crush on Nick - and if it might be reciprocated - after meeting eyes across the room one too many times, Nick ducking his head shyly, a blush rising on his cheeks. 

And then, without fail, Ben would give him a look during a movie night, and Charlie knew that the pattern was restarting and they’d be sneaking out again that night. He took a perverse form of pleasure at the fact that he wasn’t the only one caught up in this cycle: as much as he hated it, Ben was powerless to its pull too, always returning, whispering apologies as they reconnected after months of tense silence, gasping into each other’s mouths as they gave into each other again.

Finally, finally , after Ben broke up with his latest girlfriend - who Charlie had introduced him to! - and showed up at Charlie’s door well past midnight on Tuesday the spring of their senior year ignoring Charlie for months, a glint in his eye and a raised eyebrow, Charlie found a power he didn’t know he possessed and told him flatly that he was busy, shutting the door in his face. What followed was a rather pathetic and drawn out tantrum as Ben realized that Charlie was serious. 

It wasn’t a perfectly clean break. They took another walk a few weeks later, after Ben’s persistent claims that he was going to change and wanted to apologize. Charlie felt a hint of hope by the time they had gotten back to campus and asked shyly if Ben wanted to be his date to Tao and Elle’s wedding, which…did not go well. It was the final blow, and Charlie cut Ben off, for good, that night. He was too ashamed to tell Tao and Elle that his dalliances with Ben had continued for so long, and he hadn’t told anyone else in their friend group about Ben at that point, so on graduation day, he and Ben were pulled into photos together by well-meaning friends and parents, beaming at the camera with garish smiles and hardened eyes, refusing to acknowledge each other. It was the last time they’d seen each other.

He stepped into the record store, the familiar smell of coffee and incense radiating from the café tucked into the back corner. Charlie flicked through the records, hoping to stumble across some hidden treasures, humming along with the songs playing through the store’s soundtrack of eclectic tunes. He’d spent so many hours here over the years; most of them in that weird limbo year between his graduation and when he moved back home. It was a Saturday morning tradition - wake, coffee, run, shower, record store. Nick joined him a few times, though he wasn’t as much of an active pursuer of new music the way Charlie was. He’d poke around a shelf here and there, bringing records he thought Charlie would like to him every so often, bumping his shoulder with dancing eyes when yet another white guy with dreadlocks wandered in. 

Charlie smiled at the memory. Nick had always seemed so happy to just be with Charlie. It was effortless, uncomplicated, comfortable. Even when there had been a slowly burning ember beneath their interactions as the months passed, the tension between them increasing with each passing day, headed toward what felt like a breaking point, Nick’s eyes remained warm and open, his smile easy, his affirmations quick. Charlie’s froze, his fingers resting along the spine of a record, a sudden realization that so much of the healing he’d attributed to the passing of time and the space he’d put between himself and Ben had started with Nick, here in Philadelphia. Instead of the constant back and forth, Nick was steadfast. Instead of words that cut him down, Nick’s default was to encourage. Instead of insisting Charlie needed to learn how to stand up for himself, Nick stood next to him, wordlessly lending his support.  

That year, when he’d finally cut Ben out, had been so hard for Charlie; full of tears cried in his depressing apartment, willing himself to be strong enough to get out of bed, strong enough to start his hour-long commute to his shitty job. When he finally told Nick the truth about Ben one night, the range of emotions that crossed Nick’s face were too many to count. He started out surprised, unsure of the magnitude of what Charlie was about to say. Then there was a slow dawning realization - a reframing of Nick’s perception of so many of the interactions he’d picked up on over the years but not understood without this context. Next, he was indignant, angry, and frustrated - he thought Ben had been his friend all of these years, but he was hurting Charlie right under his nose the whole time? How could he have missed it? And then finally, he’d just seemed sad. He’d pulled Charlie to his chest while he cried, encouraging him to let out years of pain and sadness, rubbing his back and making gentle murmurs into Charlie’s ear. When Charlie’s finally calmed, he was afraid of what he’d see in Nick’s eyes; would he be disappointed that he'd been so easily manipulated? Disgusted by Charlie’s lack of conviction? Embarrassed by Charlie’s tears? But no. Of course he wasn’t. The only thing Charlie saw when they finally looked at each other again were red-rimmed eyes to match his own and the most loving, tender, and open face. Charlie felt like he could look into Nick's eyes and see his heart pulsing underneath.

Charlie sighed. He would see Nick tonight, for the first time in two years. He would speak to Nick tonight. A pub trivia night wasn’t a great place for intense conversations, so he wasn’t expecting to rehash what had happened and make a heartfelt apology for the way he’d fucked things up, but he hoped that the ground could be set for that kind of conversation in the future. He hoped that when he looked into Nick’s eyes tonight, he wouldn’t see guardedness in place of warmth. He knew that things might feel awkward, but maybe, by the end, there would be a thawing; a return to comfort in each other’s presence. Maybe he was hoping for too much; it was just a couple of hours of trivia after all. 

The familiar strains of “High and Dry” began over the speakers, pulling Charlie out of his thoughts. He smiled and shook his head lightly. The Bends , of course. Radiohead was always with him. Perhaps something cosmic was looking out for him, letting him know that it was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

Chapter Eight

Charlie, Tao, and Elle walked the short distance from their rowhome to the Standard Tap Room for pub trivia that night along uneven sidewalks, weaving around mothers with strollers, couples holding hands, and sidewalk sale racks. Elle was in between the two men, her hands nestled in the crooks of each of their elbows.

“What’d you think of Hopkins? It’s changed, hasn’t it?” she asked, gracefully sidestepping a melting ice cream cone that someone had dropped on the street.

“Yeah, it was weird…a lot had changed, like, physically. But it still felt the same. I was inundated with memories,” Charlie answered. He felt her squeeze his bicep gently. 

“Going back for the first time is hard,” she sympathized.

“I hate going back there,” Tao said flatly. “It’s too depressing. It’s like they specifically found the things I loved the most and said, ‘Hey, let’s destroy that.’”

Charlie giggled and knew exactly what Tao was referencing. “Tao, the movie section of the library just moved to the other side of the room, it’s not that big of a deal.” 

“They moved it without consulting me!” he bellowed, drawing giggles out of both Elle and Charlie this time. “I literally created that program!”

“So, what do I need to know about this trivia situation?” Charlie asked. “General knowledge? Themes? Categories? How’s it work?”

Tao launched into the structure of the pub quiz as they approached the bar. He spelled out the difference between round one (pop culture trivia) and round two (general trivia divided into categories like ‘Sports’, ‘Geography’, and  ‘Greek Literature’), and then started laying out his winning strategy. Charlie tuned out, worrying about his impending meeting with Nick. He knew Nick well enough to make a few assumptions about how the night would go: Nick would be polite, if not a little awkward. He would probably try to fall into the background of the group, preferring to sit and watch from the sidelines instead of drawing everyone’s attention. With people like Elle and Sahar there - two very extroverted women - it wouldn’t be too hard for Nick to settle back, sipping on a beer, watching with an amused smile as the night went on. 

“By the way, did you find out if Nick is going to be there?” Elle asked curiously, gazing at Charlie.

He nodded and swallowed nervously. “Uhm, yeah…I ended up texting him like you suggested, and it was probably a good idea. Turns out he and Sai were planning on coming, so it would’ve definitely been a surprise to run into me.” 

“Oh, okay,” Elle nodded, raising her eyebrows slightly. “And he was okay with you being there? They’re still coming?”

“Yeah, they’re still coming,” Charlie affirmed. 

“Great, we always do better when they are on our team,” Tao said, missing the slightly serious tone that had fallen over the conversation.

“How do you feel about seeing Nick?” Elle asked, squeezing Charlie’s bicep again softly.

Charlie considered her question for a moment. Obviously, he was nervous. In fact, ‘nervous’ was an understatement. His heart was already thumping in his chest much faster than their easy pace justified, and his palms were clammy and cold. He knew - he knew - that the short amount of time in a loud and public place wouldn’t get him the answers he needed about how Nick felt about everything , but he also knew that he would be desperate for the smallest indication from Nick about it. Would he smile with teeth or with a closed mouth, and if it was with teeth would that mean Nick was happy to see him, or would it mean that he was pretending to be happy to see him? If Nick sat across from him instead of next to him, did that mean he didn't want to be close to Charlie or that he wanted to be able to look at Charlie throughout the night? If he was wearing anything other than a sweatshirt and jeans, would that mean he wanted to look nice for Charlie, or had his style just changed over the years? Or - third option - would he be trying to make Charlie regret what he lost? Okay - fourth option - maybe he was trying to impress someone else ?

Charlie knew these swirling thoughts were his brain’s way of handling anxiety: trying to predict and interpret everything to prepare himself for what might happen next. He was so familiar with his anxious spirals that it was almost a comfort to fall back into one even though relishing in unhealthy patterns was also unhealthy. ‘Trust your future self to handle the situation, Charlie’ he had repeated to himself a in the mirror as he got ready. It was a phrase that Geoff started using with him. It helped a bit; Future Charlie would be able to handle whatever resulted from this night, whether Current Charlie was anxious about it or not. ‘ Trust your future self.’

Charlie was trying, he really was, but Nick had been so inscrutable over the couple short text conversations they had had, which didn't help at all; what if he was angry? What if he was rude? What if he ignored everything and acted like nothing had happened between them. Or - maybe the worst option - what if he ignored Charlie specifically, refusing to acknowledge him? He felt his stomach drop at that idea. To finally be in the same space again after so many years and end up barely addressing each other would be tortuous. On the other side of the nerves, though, Charlie was…hopeful? Yeah, he was hopeful that they’d be able to move past any awkwardness and have a good time. If he was being totally honest, he hoped that this was the night they needed to bury the hatchet and they could start over as friends on the other side of it.

“Charlie?” Elle asked again.

“Oh, sorry. Ummm…I’m…I think I’m doing okay with the concept of seeing him again,” Charlie said, glancing up as he tried to put his thoughts into words. “I’m a little nervous, I think.” He smiled weakly at Elle. ‘A little nervous?’ present Charlie said to himself with a laugh. 

“Nervous about what?” 

“Well, that he’s mad, or that he’s changed and doesn’t really want to have anything to do with me anymore. I dunno, really. Just seeing him after so long, and after…everything.”

“I get that,” Elle said, a sympathetic look on her face. “I think if he didn’t want to have anything to do with you, he probably wouldn’t have ever texted you back and certainly wouldn’t have come out tonight.”

“I suppose so,” Charlie said, pondering. “I guess I also, just…like, he was one of my best friends. For a long time. And I guess I just...I mostly just want to see that he’s okay. That he’s happy, and thriving.”

“That’s sweet of you. From everything I know, I think he’s doing well.” 

“How often do you see him again? Ever outside of trivia nights?”

“Yeah, here and there. House parties with college friends, every once in a while we’ll end up meeting up with him and Sai when we want to reminisce on the ‘good ole days.’” 

“Oh, I didn’t realize. Well then, anything I should know before I see him so I don’t step in it?” Charlie asked as they rounded the corner and crossed the threshold of the bar.

“Hm, well, he’s a carpenter. Apparently a pretty good one,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at Charlie. “You’ll know what I mean when you see him.”

“Haha, okay,” Charlie said, unsure of what Elle was referring to. 

“I know he was dating someone for a while, but it’s been a few months since I heard anything about that, so I’m not sure if it’s still going on,” she continued. Charlie raised his eyebrows at this information and immediately felt stupid for never considering that Nick might have a romantic partner. He’d literally never dated anyone in college (Charlie refused to believe he was the sole cause of this, though he sometimes worried that may have been the case), so Nick as part of a couple was a new concept. Before he could dwell on it too long, they were making their way back to the corner table that Tao insisted was theirs . It was made for four, but with a bit of squeezing in, they would be able to fit six. Sahar was there early, halfway through a beer.

“Hey,” she said, hopping up from her chair and giving everyone a quick hug. “Ready to kick some ass?” 

“Hell yeah, I came to exact my revenge on that idiot group of teachers that keeps beating us,” Tao said menacingly, glancing a few tables over where three women wearing muted cardigans and sensible shoes sat, heads bowed over their phones. “I swear they’re cheating.” 

“Sahar, Nick and Sai are coming tonight so we’ll need a couple more chairs,” Elle said, grabbing a spare seat from an empty table next to them.

“Right on, with them and Charlie here we’re destined to win,” she said, pulling another chair up to the table. “You guys want anything to drink? I opened a tab and we can settle up after,” she said, headed toward the bar.

“Gin and tonic for me please,” Elle said with a grin. “Tao?”

“Yeah, I’ll just have a rum and coke.”

“I’ll do a…” Charlie paused, glancing over the menu. “A Victory pilsner.” 

“Ohh, fancy craft beer man,” Elle teased. “Oh look, they’re here!” She stood up and waved toward the entrance, pulling Tao up with her.

Charlie took a deep breath. This was it. The moment of truth.  He wiped his clammy palms against his jeans and stood up from his chair, unsure of where to look and what to do with his hands. He shoved him in his pockets and pretended to read the draft list scrawled on a chalk board behind the bar.

“Hey guys!” he heard Sai’s voice first, and couldn’t help the smile that flitted across his face as his old friend came into view through the crowded dining room. “Charlie Spring! Long time, man!” Sai said, bouncing over and pulling Charlie into a hug.

“Oof” Charlie grunted involuntarily, which turned into a chuckle. Somehow, the physical act of laughing was like a pressure valve, releasing just enough of the anxiety that had built up over the last hour to give Charlie the strength to lift his eyes, where he finally glimpsed Nick over Sai’s shoulder. He was weaving his way through the crowded bar, one hand in his pocket, eyes roaming across the room casually. ‘ Casually ’ Charlie’s brain supplied meaningfully. Though…what was that supposed to mean? As if drawn by a magnet, Nick looked up at that moment and his and Charlie’s eyes met.

There had been times over the years, throughout Charlie’s life, when he’d had a visceral reaction to something. Once, when Tori described the way her classmate had dislocated a finger during gym class, Charlie had almost fainted, his vision blurring as he imagined a finger stuck in the wrong direction. Another time, during junior year, someone casually mentioned that Ben had started dating a freshman named Gwynnie , and the wave of shock that washed over Charlie in that moment had literally taken his breath away. He said he wasn’t feeling well and went back to his dorm room, stopping to throw up behind a bush along the way. Meeting Nick’s eyes in the Standard Tap Room that night - moody lighting, sticky floors, the fibers of Sai’s sweater under his fingers - caused a full-body shiver that he hoped neither Sai nor Nick noticed. It was like he’d stuck his finger in an electric socket.

For what it’s worth, Nick also looked almost as if he’d seen a ghost, stopping in his tracks, his mouth hanging open slightly and the hand that wasn’t in his pocket immediately raising to the back of his neck in what Charlie knew was a nervous tic. Charlie stepped back from Sai’s embrace, breaking eye contact with Nick, as Sai turned to greet Elle and Tao. He swallowed nervously and looked up again as Nick made his way over to him, stopping a few feet away. Unintentionally, Charlie’s eyes scanned the length of Nick’s body, and he immediately knew what Elle had been referring to on their way over: Nick was tan, in a way that Charlie had never seen before. His fair and freckled skin was golden and glowing. His hair was also blonder than usual; Charlie assumed from working outside every day. He was also, somehow, both more muscular and leaner than he used to be. There were tendons and veins running up his forearms and disappearing beneath the short sleeves of his simple white tee shirt, bulging biceps peeking out even though he wasn’t holding anything heavy. His waist seemed trimmer; his body molded from the constant movements that came with being a carpenter - sawing and hammering and nailing - rather than from hours spent in the gym.

God help me , Charlie thought weakly. Obviously he’d always… appreciated Nick, in an aesthetic sense. But this…this version of Nick was one that Charlie couldn’t help but find particularly alluring. He swallowed thickly and then looked up at Nick again.

“Hey, Nick,” he said, trying exceedingly hard to keep his voice light but failing miserably. He sounded constipated.

“Hey, Charlie,” Nick answered, a tentative smile finally making its way to his face. Charlie smiled back, wracking his brain for what to say or do next. Do something! He licked his lips nervously and took a quick breath.

“So…you are - here we both are! We’re here both of us, right now. Aren’t we…” he trailed off, his cheeks flushing with how extremely idiotic he sounded. Nick held back a smile, his eyes widening as he realized that Charlie was not managing this exchange well. “ God take me now ,” Charlie whispered, loud enough to be heard.

“Nick!” Elle said from next to Charlie, rushing over and pulling him into a hug. “I’m so excited you’re here!” 

“Hi, you,” Nick said warmly, giving Elle a big squeeze. Tao clapped him on the shoulder, and Nick opened his arms wider, pulling him into the embrace. “It’s always a treat seeing you two.”

“The feeling’s mutual,” Elle said. “What do you think, seeing Charlie here! The whole gang is back together!”

“I’ve got drinks!” Sahar said, setting down four beverages on the table and giving Sai and Nick each a brief hug. “I can’t believe we’re doing this! Who would’ve thought five years ago we’d all be together in a pub in South Philly, drinking and playing trivia…” she trailed off, grinning at her friends across the table. 

“Well, everyone except Ben,” Sai pointed out. Charlie noticed Elle take a big sip of her gin and tonic, avoiding eye contact with anyone. 

As far as Charlie knew, Ben had escaped college with most of his friends unaware of the clandestine activities and wild pendulum swings of emotions he and Charlie gone through behind closed doors. If Charlie had told them, they would be shocked; not that Ben was gay, but that he’d been so cavalier with Charlie under their noses for so long.

“Aw, I should’ve invited him!” Sai said, pulling out his phone “I could text him now?”. Tao’s eyes almost bugged out of his head as he attempted to shut down the direction the conversation was going around the fries in his mouth.

“No!” he choked out, swatting the phone out of Sai’s hand and back onto the table. Everyone’s heads swung to gape at Tao’s sudden outburst.

“Tao, what the hell!” Sai said, picking up his phone and checking to make sure it still worked.

“What did Ben ever do to you?” Sahar asked, eyes fixing Tao with a curious glare. An uneasy silence swept over the table as Elle and Tao looked over at Charlie, who immediately dropped his eyes to his lap. How, after being in each other’s presence for less than ten minutes, had this conversation about Ben come up with Sai and Sahar after years of them never discussing it before? Charlie felt extremely uncomfortable - no one who actually knew what happened between him and Ben had a problem with Ben directly; it was all related to how he’d treated Charlie. The silence stretched on longer, Tao, Elle, Nick and Charlie exchanging nervous looks with each other while Sai and Sahar grew more confused.

“Ben’s a dick,” Nick finally said flatly, drawing everyone’s attention in his direction and away from Charlie, who immediately felt a flood of relief wash over him. He released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. 

“He did something to you ?” Sahar asked, trying to keep up. Charlie finally allowed his eyes to lift, meeting Nick’s across the table. Nick looked back at him and tilted his head in a tiny acknowledgement, his eyes gentle.

“Yeah,” he said, not looking away from Charlie. Charlie gulped, unsure what Nick was about to say. Certainly he wouldn’t tell the table anything about him and Ben, right?

“Well, out with it then,” Sai said, similarly confused by what was obviously being silently communicated around the table. Nick took a swig of his beer and inhaled deeply.

“You know how I was dating that girl Imogen for a while,” he asked. His eyes skittered nervously away from Charlie’s as he said it. Everyone nodded, prodding him along. Even though Elle had warned Charlie that there had been someone, he was still surprised at the way his heart thudded in his chest when he heard Nick casually mention a romantic relationship. “Well, we decided one night after a couple months that we weren’t a good fit. It wasn’t a big deal. But Ben was over at my apartment that night too, hanging out with Peter. And when Imogen and I had finished our, like…quasi-breakup, she was getting ready to leave and walk home. I offered to walk her but she said she’d rather go on her own,” Nick said with a shrug.

“Okay, where is this going…” Elle said, leaning forward conspiratorially

“Believe me, it’s not that juicy,” Nick said with a quiet laugh. “Anyway, Ben offered to walk with her since he was leaving too. A couple weeks later, he was over again and asked how she was, and I told him that we had called things off, and told him that it happened the night he walked her home. And guess what he said when I told him that,” Nick asked, leaning forward, getting into the storytelling of it. 

“What?” Elle breathed.

“He said, ‘Oh, she must've broken up with you because she fell in love with me when I walked her home.’” Nick finished with an eye roll. Elle flounced back in her seat and huffed out a frustrated breath.

“Cocky bastard,” Tao muttered.

“Exactly!” Nick said, animatedly. “Like, I didn’t care. Imogen and I weren’t a good fit. But he thought Imogen just spending a few minutes with him would be enough for her to break up with me, someone she’d been dating for a couple of months? It's just so...” Nick trailed off, searching for the word.

“Typical,” Charlie offered. “Arrogant? Cocky? Callous? Shitty?”

“Okay Charlie, tell us how you really feel,” Sai said, eyes wide.

“Eh, he’s not my favorite person, either,” Charlie said with a dismissive wave of his hand, hoping that that would be enough to satisfy Sai and Sahar. Nick snorted at his phrasing, his eyes dancing.

“Is that how you’d frame it? ‘Not your favorite person’” he asked, surprise apparent in his voice. Charlie shrugged and nodded simply. Nick actually knew more than Tao and Elle about what had really gone down with Ben and how it had affected Charlie. Elle and Tao had pieced things together early on during their college years, but weren’t aware of just how bad things got later on. It was Nick that Charlie had eventually told everything to one night, fighting back tears as he recalled the various ways he’d been gaslit and emotionally run through the wringer by Ben Hope. 

Nick looked at Charlie, in awe. “That’s…honestly Char - I mean Charlie - it’s really good to hear you say that. It sounds like you really mean it.” They smiled at each other, and Charlie saw some of the familiar warmth creep back into Nick’s eyes as they surveyed each other.

“Sit down everyone, trivia is starting,” Tao directed. Charlie squeezed in between Sai and Sahar, directly across from Nick and adjacent to Tao and Elle. The trivia host began her introduction while Sahar went back to the bar to get Sai and Nick’s drinks and place a food order for the table. 

“So!” Sai said, turning to Charlie. “How’ve you been man, I don’t think we’ve seen each other since graduation! I almost fell out of my chair when Nick told me you were going to be here tonight.”

Charlie laughed a little, rolling his eyes. “Boo! Here I am,” he said playfully. “I was just in town visiting Tori and Michael and realized that … I’m not great at keeping in touch with people, but maybe I could try to fix that. So I got in touch with Tao and Elle,” Charlie said, trailing off. Nick looked across the table at him with interest. “And then of course I had to let Nick know, too,” Charlie said, offering a tentative smile across the table. He wasn’t sure how much Sai knew about him and Nick, and didn’t want to start another awkward conversation about secret relationships between the people at the table.

“We’re so glad you reached out!” Elle said, grabbing Charlie’s forearm as she took another sip of her gin and tonic. 

“So, fill us in on everything,” Sai said. “How’s your life in Indianapolis? Any updates we should know about? D’you like your job? Got a sweetie? 

“Yeah, I mean, life is generally good,” Charlie said to the table, popping a French fry into his mouth. “You guys remember Isaac who visited during that Spring Break? He’s my roommate now for a couple years, so that’s fun. My job is good - I’m officially a high school guidance counselor and have really enjoyed it so far. Ummm…what else did you ask…” Charlie said, wracking his brain for anything interesting to share.

“Boyfriend?” Nick reminded him helpfully, and Charlie noticed the tiniest hint of a blush rising up his cheeks. 

“Oh, no,” Charlie said, chuckling sardonically. “You guys know me - perpetually pining after boys who don’t want me. Nothing has changed in that realm.” He was met with a chorus of his friends chiding him, denying that was the case, but he pressed on. “What about you two? I caught up with these guys the other night already.”

“Oh yeah, all good here!” Sai said, taking a gulp of his beer. “Engineering by day, trying to figure out how to be an adult by night. I’ve gone out a few times with a girl from work, actually,” he said, ducking his head at the chorus of whistles across the table. “Shut up. It’s still really new. But she’s great - maybe I’ll bring her next time we play trivia.” 

“You should!” Elle encouraged. “And what about you Nick, what’s your update?”

“Nothing too much to report on,” he said, seeming a bit nervous. “Just, uh..you know. Being a carpenter, and all that comes with that.”

Before he could help himself, Charlie blurted out, “Oh, we can see what comes with that,” giving a sly look across the table to Nick.

“Ah, there he is,” Nick said with a laugh. “The Charlie we’ve all been waiting for has come out to play.” Charlie hummed and gave a little shimmy.

“What can I say, it’s the beer talking,” he said, downing the remaining third and slamming his empty glass onto the table. Everyone cheered loudly at that and soon they were snorting with laughter, devouring greasy French fries, and absolutely killing it at trivia. In between the first and second rounds, Charlie offered to get the next batch of drinks for the table and wove his way to the bar, leaning his elbows against the curved wooden bar top, trying to get the attention of the bartender. 

“I’ll help you,” Nick’s voice said behind Charlie, who whirled around in surprise. 

“Oh! Hi, sure, thanks,” he said, feeling a bit shy all of a sudden at Nick’s proximity. 

“No problem,” Nick answered, sliding in next to Charlie. They stood shoulder to shoulder; waiting for their turn to order. 

“Thanks for earlier,” Charlie said, turning to face Nick. 

“What was earlier?” Nick asked, puzzled.

“For telling everyone that Ben was a twat,” Charlie said, looking up at Nick through his eyelashes. “I know you…I mean - I think you did it so I didn’t have to, you know. Explain anything. So thanks.” Nick leaned against the bar, resting on one forearm, his eyes roaming Charlie’s face, seemingly searching for something in his eyes. Eventually his eyes settled on Charlie’s and his face crinkled into a smile.

“I mean, yes, I was partly trying to get you out of that situation,” he said. “But I actually don't mind having my own reason for not liking Ben after so many years of doing it on your behalf. I know what he said about Imogen wasn’t that big of a deal, and it didn’t even really bother me, but knowing everything about what he did to you…I hate to say it, but I kind of like having a petty reason to throw Ben under the bus.” 

Charlie threw his head back and laughed at Nick’s confession.

“Well in that case, I’m so glad Ben was a dick to you too so you can delight in ruining his reputation without outing him.” The feeling of laughing with Nick, casually at the bar, over something like his relationship with Ben, that had held so much power over Charlie - and had greatly affected Charlie’s relationship with Nick, whether he knew it or not - was cathartic. He was lighter than he had been all night, feeling the last bits of anxiety unwind from around his lungs. “Nick, I…I don’t want things to be weird between us,” he said, growing suddenly serious.

“Do things seem weird between us?” Nick asked, tilting his head to the side, still leaning distractingly against the bar.

“I mean, yes, a bit?” Charlie answered honestly.

“Yeah, maybe a little,” Nick agreed. “To be expected though, hey?” Charlie felt his opportunity to address the elephant in the room directly instead of dancing around it with this 'it's been a while since we talked' bullshit. He stood up a bit straighter, mentally preparing himself to acknowledge the last time they spoke. He took a deep breath.

“Um, if there’s a way to do it, I’d really like to…” Charlie stopped mid-sentence, his brain buzzing. He needed to start over; he wasn’t making any sense. His nerves returned in full force. “I mean, I guess I was hoping maybe we could like-” 

“What can I get for you guys?” the bartender asked them, suddenly appearing behind the bar, looking expectantly between the two men. Surprised by the shift in conversation, Charlie stammered through the order, and she turned around, expertly filling multiple pints of beer while mixing another gin and tonic for Elle. “You got a tab open?”

“Yeah, it’s under ' Sahar',” Charlie said. 

“Alright then you’re all set,” she said, turning to the next customer. Charlie and Nick each carefully grabbed three glasses and wove their way through the tables, passing out drinks just in time for the second round of trivia to begin. At first, Charlie felt like he had whiplash, switching gears back to being in a boisterous group after almost having a chance to ask Nick for some time to have a private conversation, but soon his competitive side took over and he was fully pulled back into the games.

They ended up winning handily and stuck around for another round of drinks before finally calling it a night. Charlie assumed everyone aside from him would have to be at work bright and early the next morning, so he tried not to be disappointed that the night was coming to a close already.

“Charlie, please please make sure you keep in touch,” Sahar said seriously, drawing him into a hug. “Even if you don’t have a visit planned, reach out and let me know how you’re doing, yeah?” 

“I promise I will,” he said, squeezing her tightly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been better at it.”

“Hey, it goes both ways. I promise I’ll do the same.”

Sai came up next, clapping him on the back and bringing him into a ‘bro hug’. “Great seeing you mate, I can’t believe we finally won at trivia night. Can’t wait to do it again next time you’re out here.”

Charlie laughed and hugged him back. “Seems like I was the missing piece of your puzzle,” he said with a wink. 

Nick hovered behind Sai, waiting to say goodbye next. Charlie swallowed dryly as he realized he would be saying hello and goodbye to Nick in such a short window of time. He hoped desperately that this night would mark the beginning of the next phase of their friendship; one that was healthier and more honest. Nick stepped up tentatively, his eyes darting back and forth anxiously between Charlie’s, trying to suss out what kind of contact to make. Charlie took the lead, opening his arms with a shrug, asking silently if Nick would like a hug. A relieved look washed over Nick’s face and he stepped into Charlie’s open arms. Their hug was brief, a quick squeeze with a couple of pats on the back for good measure, but it was as warm and comforting as it had always been. Charlie felt the final bit of uncertainty melt away. They still had a lot to talk about - of course they did - but he felt at peace about it. It would happen when it was supposed to, and until then, he could hopefully let go of his inner turmoil about the state of their relationship.

“It was really good to see you again,” he said softly as they stepped away from each other. 

“Yeah, I’m glad I came,” Nick agreed, looking down bashfully.

“We’ll keep in touch?” Charlie asked, hoping he didn’t sound as needy as he felt. Nick smiled and nodded. 

“We will.” 

A grin spread across Charlie’s face. “I’m looking forward to it, then.”

“Me too,” Nick confessed, losing what seemed like a battle to keep the smile off of his face. 

Elle and Tao pulled Charlie into a three way hug from behind, squeezing his small frame so tight he lost his breath.

“Charlieeeeee,” Elle crooned in his ear. “You are the BEST. I will love you forever.” She kissed his cheek sloppily.

“Okay, drunkie,” he giggled, ducking his head away as she leaned in for another.

“Charlie, seriously, don’t be a stranger,” Tao said, wagging his finger at him. “I’m going to set an alarm on my phone when I get home tonight; if ten days pass without either me or Elle hearing from you, you will be getting a FaceTime from us at 7am the next morning, even if it's a Saturday.” They hugged again and then everyone headed off in their own directions. 

Charlie decided to walk the mile back to Tori's house. It was a relatively warm night, and the fresh air and physical activity would help him process everything that had transpired over the last few days. He pulled his light jacket over his flannel for extra warmth and stepped into the streets of South Philly. Though it was past 11pm, there were still the sounds of the city all around him: thumping bass coming out of a bar across the street; a man calling out to his neighbor in greeting as they sat on their stoops; a dog barking erratically. 

Charlie took a deep breath in through his nose and let it out slowly through his mouth. He remembered everything Isaac had clarified for him about what he really wanted to get out of reconnecting with Nick. If he remembered correctly, the first thing he had said was finding out if Nick seemed okay. Though they hadn’t spoken deeply about anything going on under the surface, it really looked like Nick was doing well. He seemed to enjoy his work as a carpenter; he had friends he still saw regularly; he’d been dating…all signs of someone going about their business instead of wallowing in depression. So, Nick is doing okay. Check. 

The second thing Charlie wanted was to try to be friends again. There was still some ground to cover between the two of them, but Charlie was 90% sure that he and Nick both wanted their friendship back. Obviously, they would have to learn how to really do that as adults who lived in different cities, but that was something that Charlie was already committed to exploring with Tao and Elle. He was confident that, if Nick was willing, they could figure out how to do it as well. 

And then the third thing he hoped for was a chance to apologize for the way he had responded to Nick’s confession that night two years ago. Now, that one he definitely hadn’t made progress on; they had acknowledged that things were a bit awkward with each other, but neither of them hinted - to the others at the table or to each other - about why that was the case. Charlie stepped into the street, crossing diagonally as he made his way to Tori’s house, the rows of squatty row homes and corner bars blurring as he passed. On an impulse, he pulled out his phone and opened up his text messages.

Charlie: Hey, I meant it - it was really good to see you. I hope at some point we’re able to get together and catch up properly.

He considered adding something more to the text - a way to hint at wanting to address his interest in apologizing - but decided against it. Charlie hit send, and had hardly gotten his phone back in his pocket when it buzzed.

Nick Nelson!: Yeah, agreed. When do you leave?

Charlie: Saturday morning early. 

Charlie started typing another text, emboldened by the fresh air and their mostly-positive exchanges during trivia night.

Charlie: Do you have plans tomorrow? I’m headed to the beach but could go any time, if you’re around.

He was about to hit send when three dots bubbled up on the screen. He waited to see what Nick said.

Nick Nelson!: How about now?

Charlie audibly gasped and stopped in his tracks right there in the middle of the sidewalk. He was not expecting that, but if Nick was up to it, he would absolutely prefer to talk about everything in person instead of trying to apologize over FaceTime or - god forbid - a text. Who knows when they’d have this chance again?

Charlie: Eager are we? ;)

Nick Nelson!: Where are you?

Charlie: Walking back to Tori’s. I’m at like…13th and Ellsworth?

Nick Nelson!: I’ll be right there. 

Charlie put his phone back in his pocket and shook his head dazedly. He barely had time to think through what was about to happen, but as he considered the conversation, he felt his anxiety pick up. Would Nick accept his apology? Would he tell Charlie how deeply he’d been hurt? Would he accuse Charlie of playing games with his heart? Before the panic could set in, Charlie saw the old blue Buick that he’d spent countless hours in turning the corner. Nick pulled over to the side of the road and leaned over to unlock the passenger side door. 

“Get in,” he called out through the unrolled window. Charlie scampered out from where he’d been leaning against the side of a hair salon storefront and jumped into the front seat, pulling the door shut behind him. He turned to face Nick.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi.”

Chapter Text

Chapter Nine

Charlie glanced around the inside of Nick’s car, fighting back the sudden onslaught of anxiety that pricked along his back when his body realized it was in a confined space with Nick again. His mind flashed through a series of memories, like he was flipping through the pages of a photo album: Tao and Elle sitting in the back seat, loudly singing off-key to "Paparazzi" by  Lady Gaga as Nick drove them to the shore on sunny Saturday morning; his socked feet on the dashboard, head resting against the car door, listening half-heartedly as Nick tried to explain again what a ‘fly-half’ really did. Sitting on the hood of the car in the middle of a random dirt road near a cornfield, leaning back against the windshield, making up absurd names for fake constellations. 

“So, uh, I was thinking of running by Pat’s really quick,” Nick said. His voice sounded like this throat was dry, like sandpaper. 

“You’re hungry?” Charlie asked with surprise. “Didn’t you literally just eat at the pub?”

“Yeah well, I’m not really a shared appetizers kind of guy,” he said, turning onto Passyunk Ave and pulling over. “Do you want anything?” 

Charlie hummed as he thought, assessing his hunger level. “I think I’m good. Just let me have a couple bites of yours.” He said it before he even realized what he was saying; old habits and familiar patterns just spilling out of his mouth. ‘ Oh god I hope he is okay with me being…myself…with him’ he thought. Maybe, since they weren’t really back to friends quiet yet, he should tone it down.

“Pshhh,” Nick huffed. “Literally some things will never change. I’ll get a big one so you can have some but I’m actually hungry , Charlie.” 

“Okay okay. I’ll just have a bit,” Charlie agreed. “Sharp provolone please!” he called out as Nick stepped into the line. Nick just shook his head and mouthed ‘No,’ at Charlie. Ah well, worth a try.

Once the cheesesteak was procured, Nick navigated through the city, focusing on his driving, while Charlie nervously fiddled with the radio station. He wanted to ask where they should go to talk, like a bar or a bench or even Nick’s apartment, but Nick seemed to have a plan in mind, so he kept quiet. Eventually Nick pulled over and parked near the base of the art museum steps. 

“I thought this might be a good place to talk,” Nick said, motioning toward the steps. It was almost midnight; there were a few couples huddled together, a group of teenagers smoking weed and sipping on beers in one dark corner, and a man in spandex doing sprints up the steps repeatedly, wearing a headlamp. Ah, Philadelphia . 

“This is always a good place,” Charlie agreed, remembering the dozens of times he and Nick had been here before, in various combinations friends, at nearly every time of day and night, in headspaces ranging from manic excitement to angry to tearful. Something about sitting side-by-side with someone, not having to look them directly in the eye, and the vastness and beauty of the city laid out before them made hard conversations easy and light discussions more meaningful. They climbed the steps together, eventually settling about two thirds of the way up.

Nick carefully unwrapped his cheesesteak, balancing it on his lap, the grease-soaked paper crinkling loudly. 

“Here,” he said, offering it to Charlie. 

“I-...Nick. You can eat your cheesesteak. Just save me a bite at the end,” Charlie said, suddenly embarrassed about how forward he’d been about wanting a bite. 

Nick shrugged and took a giant bite, chewing as he looked out over the darkened city streets. The dim lighting that lit the art museum from below cast an eerie glow around them, making their shadows stretch behind them grotesquely. 

“So,” Nick said after swallowing his bite. “Here we are.” 

Charlie nodded next to him. “Here we are,” he echoed, rocking back and forth a bit on the step. He didn’t know where to start. He knew that he wanted to apologize, but he wasn’t sure if he should just jump right to it or try to slowly navigate the conversation that direction as they caught up about other things first.

“It’s been a while,” Nick said, seemingly just as unsure of where to start. Once again, Charlie recognized that he needed to be the driving force here. First of all, that was more his personality anyway. But second of all, he was the one who needed to apologize; he was the one who reached out to Nick; he was the one who told Nick he wanted more time to catch up with just him. He would need to be the one to get things started.

“You’re probably wondering how I got here,” Charlie finally said in his best teacher voice, an attempt at levity he hoped Nick would appreciate. When Nick snorted and then started coughing, Charlie fought back a smile. Step one, lighten the mood. “Anyway, seriously, I have been wondering for a while how you are. And I don’t mean like, factually, though I do wonder like, how you spend your time and what you’ve been up to and who you hang out with and all of the stuff that I would know if we had stayed in touch - of course I’d be happy to hear about any of that,” Charlie took a deep breath, attempting to reign in the word vomit, but that was not happening. He would have to power through. “I guess I feel like…I used to be able to see you or talk to you and tell how you really were, and…I can’t tell anymore. And…I don’t like not knowing. About you…So, if you’re willing, would you tell me? Like with words?” ‘ There. Great. A nice, simple way to kick off this conversation, great work Charlie,’ he thought to himself, annoyed. He was grateful for the shroud of darkness, hiding his warming cheeks and his nervous picking at his fingernail. 

“Uhh,” Nick said around another bite of cheesesteak. He swallowed a couple seconds later and offered it again to Charlie, who grabbed it and took a bite, grateful for something to distract them both. The greasy, savory, cheesy, chewy goodness was so familiar it was nostalgic; he felt immediately sad about how long it would be until he had this same perfect combination again. “I mean, I guess fine, Charlie,” he said with a shrug. “You got some of the facts already - I’m a carpenter for Habitat for Humanity and I like it. I hang out with a mix of old college friends and some new work friends and random people I meet through one of those groups.” He shrugged. 

“Okay, but how are you,” Charlie pressed again. “Like, are you happy with how your life looks right now? Do you feel lonely? Are there things you wish were different?”

Nick sighed again, wiping his hands on his jeans, and looked out to the distance. “You always do this,” he muttered.

“What, I’m sorry! You don’t have to answer me,” Charlie backtracked.

“No, no, it’s fine. It’s…good. I need someone to ask me these questions or I might never really think about them.” He took a deep breath and leaned back onto his outstretched arms, tilting his head to the side as he considered how to answer Charlie’s questions. Charlie waited patiently, tapping out a beat with his feet on the step below, his curls blowing across his eyes from the breeze. “I’m pretty happy, I think,” he started, slowly. “Of course there are always going to be things you wish were different, but that’s life. I…let’s see. I feel appropriately lonely?” he asked with a little laugh, surprising himself. “Like, I enjoy my own company. I don’t need to be around people all the time. I feel like, if I’m feeling social, I have enough people in my life to make that happen. But…” he paused now, squinting at something in the distance. Charlie tracked his eyes to see if he could find out what had captured Nick’s attention but didn’t see anything. “I think…like, I miss having someone really close . Like, who really knows me. I have good friends, but no one who calls me on my shit, or knows if I’m hiding something or having a bad day without needing to ask, you know?” Nick asked, finally turning to look at Charlie. 

Charlie nodded - he knew what kind of relationship Nick was describing. They had it with each other, almost since they first met, with a few hiccups along the way. Charlie felt very blessed that he had it now, still, with Isaac and with Tori. “Yeah, I know what you mean,” Charlie said softly. He contemplated whether he should acknowledge that he had been that for Nick. He wondered if, when he left, if that was the last time Nick had someone in his life who could fill that role for him. He decided not to push too much, too soon. Everything still seemed too fragile still. “I’m sorry you are missing that right now,” he settled on. Nick looked over at him and gave him a bit of a sad smile. 

“...Yeah, me too,” he said, his voice a hair deeper than normal. He cleared his throat. “But really, if the biggest problem I have right now is that no one asks me how I’m feeling, I suppose I have it pretty good.” He shrugged and settled back onto his arms. “What about you, are you fulfilled in your life?” he asked, a bit of a teasing tone to his voice. 

Charlie was taken off guard by the follow-up question, though he should have expected it. “Me?” he squeaked, buying a bit of time.

“Yeah, I mean, if you get to ask me a million questions I think it’s only fair that you have to answer some too,” Nick laughed.

“I suppose that’s true,” Charlie agreed. “God. I don’t even know…” he said, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “I think…honestly, I think that I’ve maybe had some, like…thoughts and feelings lately. I guess, maybe more of like, a period of realization? Reckoning? I dunno, some R word. But I feel like over the last few months, for some reason, I’ve been more in tune with my inner voice than I have been before,” Charlie stammered, trying to find the right way to put to words what he’d been going through.

“ You? ” Nick asked, surprise evident in his voice. Charlie looked over at him, confused, raising his shoulders with an unasked question. “You just seem - of like, everyone - to have a strong sense of who you are. You always have. I’m surprised you don’t feel like you listen to yourself.” 

“Huh, is that how I come across?” Charlie asked, pondering the feedback. “I mean, I know how I feel about like, things . But I don’t really…I dunno. I think I hide my intentions a lot. To other people, and maybe to myself too. I’m trying to get better at figuring out what I really want and then pursuing it instead of just like…ambling around and getting swept up in random shit.”

“Huh, okay,” Nick said. “Interesting.” They fell into a comfortable silence, each staring out in front of them, distracted by cars circling around University Avenue and the twinkling lights of Boat House Row to the west.

“How do you like being a carpenter?” Charlie asked eventually. 

Nick let out a huff. “I don’t know…it’s pretty good. Some days I really like it because I’m outside in the sun, making something out of scraps of wood that will end up becoming a house for someone who has never owned one, listening to music and birds chirping and I’m pretty fucking happy with it,” he said. Charlie raised his eyebrows at the sharpness in Nick’s voice.

“And other times?” he asked tentatively.

Nick paused, waiting a second before answering. “Other times I wonder why I’m wasting a college degree in Philosophy doing manual labor. I think about the systemic issues that cause people to be unable to buy a house in the first place and realize that I could build a thousand houses and never make a dent in the actual need. And some days some idiot high schooler volunteering with his football team makes fun of people in poverty and I have this, like, sudden, seething rage and I have to physically restrain myself from throwing a hammer through a wall,” he said, trailing off at the end with a rueful laugh. 

“Oh,” Charlie said, surprised at the dark turn their conversation had taken. “That’s…that sounds really kind of scary, Nick.” He turned to look at Nick, who was staring out intensely into the dark, his jaw set. “Do you ever…like, act on your anger? Do you get angry about other things like that?” 

Nick looked down at his hands clasped in his lap and shook his head slowly. “I don’t act out on it, not really. I’ve started trying to go to the gym more so I feel less frustrated about it all. I punch things there.”

“Well, that sounds like a good way to manage feelings like that,” Charlie agreed.

“I started seeing a therapist,” Nick said softly into the dark. The second half of the sentence that he hadn’t said - like you told me to, unkindly hung in the air. Charlie took a deep inhale through his nose and let it out slowly.

“I have too,” he said back, just as softly. They turned to each other, eyes meeting in the dark. For the first time since they had seen each other, Nick’s expression was open, willing to hear and share with Charlie in a way that he hadn’t in years. Charlie swallowed thickly. This was it. “Nick, there’s something I’ve really needed to say to you.”

“Okay,” Nick said, his voice uncertain. They turned so they were facing each other, their knees bumping. 

“It’s…about the last time we talked,” Charlie said, squeezing his eyes shut. “And…it’s kind of…like, it’s maybe the reason I reached out to you originally, was to just…clear the air, I guess you could say.”

Nick inhaled shakily, steeling himself for whatever Charlie was about to say. “Okay,” he whispered.

“I’m…Nick. I’ve - I’m…I’ve never been sorrier about anything in my life,” Charlie said finally, the words rushing out in a jumble. He let it hang in the air and saw Nick’s chest rise and fall with his breathing.

“You…you’re sorry?” Nick asked, his head tilted to the side curiously. Charlie reached out and put his hand on Nick’s forearm.

“Please, can you like, let me get it all out? And then you can say whatever you want. I just need to like… say it,” Charlie said, practically pleading. 

“Yeah, okay,” Nick agreed.

Charlie took a steading breath and then began. “That night…when you told me uh…how you felt. I. I really didn’t handle it well. And I said things that I shouldn’t have. And I like, I think I was straight up mean to you, after you had been…you had tried to be so honest with me, about something so complicated. And I - I threw it in your face…” Charlie hadn’t even noticed that he had started crying until a teardrop splattered onto his hand. He wiped his eyes absentmindedly. “I’ve thought about that conversation every day since then,” he confessed. “I’ve read it and re-read it, and each time it gets worse. I’m just…I’m so sorry for how I treated you. I care about you, I always have. You were my best friend and I just…I wish we could do it over again. I’d have such a different response. I would’ve been kinder to you. I would’ve been honest with you too. But I wasn’t, and now here we are, years later, talking for the first time since then, all because of the ways I hurt you-”

“Charlie, stop,” Nick said, firmly. “I know you told me not to interrupt, but please stop talking about it.” Charlie sat back abruptly, surprised by Nick’s directness.

“Oh,” Charlie said, sniffling and wiping his tears away again. His head was swimming at being cut off, trying to scramble and figure out what he had said and what he hadn’t yet. “Sorry…” 

“No, it’s just…” Nick trailed off, searching. “I…I have a totally different interpretation of that night.” 

“You do ?” Charlie asked incredulously. He felt his heart literally skip a beat; a sinking feeling of emptiness followed by a rapid flutter to get back on track. He brought his hand up to the front of his neck, feeling his pulse racing.

“ Yeah, I do. I had to stop you because you were spiraling out of control but like, I’m the one who should be apologizing to you,” Nick said, setting a hand gently on Charlie’s shoulder, squeezing it. ‘What is happening ’ Charlie thought. He was dizzy with the sudden change in Nick’s demeanor; he looked determined and intense instead of shy and nervous.

“Wh…what?” He couldn’t keep up.

“Charlie, this was all my fault,” Nick said, gesturing between the two of them, eyes imploring, searching Charlie’s for understanding. He squeezed Charlie’s shoulder again.

“I…I don’t see how you can think that,” Charlie said feebly.

Nick sighed. “Look. I…- from my perspective - I got wasted, sent a series of drunk texts to you, my best friend, a year after you had moved away, telling you I had feelings for you and begging you to come back, literally a day or two after you told me you had a crush on someone else. That's...such. Like, that's so manipulative. It's like, emotional abuse behavior.”

Charlie took a step back, mentally trying to reframe the conversation in his head from Nick’s point of view.

“You…you feel like you dropped a bomb on me about your feelings when it was too late, and you should’ve just kept it to yourself?” he asked, trying to make sure he understood what Nick was saying.

“Yeah, basically. I like, waited until you were finally happy and settled and then told you something completely out of left field, with the purpose of disorienting you , after it was too late to do anything about it,” he gestured widely around himself intensely, trying to convey what he meant. “And, even worse : I was drunk when I did it. And I was stupid about how I did it,” Nick said, his voice stronger than it had been at any other point that night. 

“Wow,” Charlie said. “This…like, okay. Can I tell you how I perceived it?” Charlie asked, feeling a little twinge of wonder at the possibility that they had both completely misread how the other felt and let those assumptions take over their interpretations of the last two years.

“Of course, Charlie. Tell me. ” Nick said, nodding encouragingly. 

“Do you…can we promise each other something really quick?” Charlie asked suddenly. 

“Yes,” Nick replied earnestly.

“No matter what we say tonight, can we promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and that after we’re done, we’re friends again. Like, proper, actual, friends.” 

“I promise, Charlie. I will tell you the whole truth.”

“Okay. So…here I go.” Charlie said. He nodded resolutely, turning back to face the city. He had to do this without looking at Nick. “I was angry with you that night,” he started. “I…like…, you had to have known that I liked you, right? Before I left?” he asked, looking at Nick out of the corner of his eye. Nick ducked his head down, a small smile playing on his lips. 

“I…I had hoped as much. But…I don’t think I knew until after you’d been gone a while,” he said, his eyes searching for Charlie’s in the dark.

“I like, really liked you before I left Philly,” Charlie said, intently. “I…it was to the point where…I think I would have stayed if you had asked me to,” he breathed. He could feel his heart thumping loudly in his chest. He had never told Nick how close he was to giving them what they apparently had both wanted. 

“Oh,” Nick said, his mouth forming a perfect circle and his eyebrows raised. Charlie’s confession hung in the air.

“Yeah. Like, that is me telling you the whole truth. I would have stayed , Nick. But I couldn’t tell how you felt, and I was too chickenshit to tell you myself, and I got this great opportunity for grad school, so I left. And once I left, well, you know. I like, turned off that part of my brain. We were still friends, I still wanted to talk to you all the time, but I had to put any romantic hopes aside.”

“Yeah, I could tell that you … that something had changed, again. It felt like our friendship returned to like…just friends. Back to how it was in college,” Nick said. 

Charlie nodded, affirming Nick. “Yes, exactly. That’s how I decided it had to be. We had that time of…each wanting more, I guess. But when I moved back, I changed my mindset. I had to, or else I would’ve…I dunno. Been too sad? Kept myself from investing in new people and my new life? So when you texted me that night and told me that you wished I hadn’t left, I was…I was mad . I felt like you were, like…I felt ambushed . And angry. Like, why couldn’t you have said something earlier?”

Nick’s countenance fell, and Charlie could see him take in a slow, shaky breath and turn his face away, looking out over his shoulder at something happening behind them.

“But Nick, the things I said to you after - as a result - I just…I never should have said those things,” Charlie said. His voice started wobbling and he felt the tears return to his eyes. “I wish I could take them back.” 

Once again, Nick cut him off. “Charlie, like, literally, I’ve never revisited that conversation. I mean, honestly, I have never re-read it. Since that night. I don’t even know what things you said that you’re referring to.” 

Charlie gaped at him, the puzzle pieces in his brain reconfiguring. Nick didn’t even remember what he’d said? Those words had been imprinted onto the wallpaper lining Charlie’s mind - a swirling pattern of phrases that replayed in his head anytime he felt insecure or depressed. That Nick hadn’t been replaying those same phrases in his own mind for the last two years was the opposite of what he’d imagined this entire time. 

“Oh let’s see, I told you that you were too late, that you shouldn’t be talking to me about it, that you sounded so confused and mixed up that you should seek therapy, that I wasn’t sure if I could be your friend anymore if you were going to keep using me to process your complicated emotions, that I deserved someone braver…” Charlie ticked off the fingers on his hand bitterly as he went on. 

Nick sucked in a breath as Charlie kept going, eventually letting out a slow whistle. “ Damn , okay, so that may have actually been a little harsh,” he said with the tiniest hint of a chuckle. “I guess I’m glad I never re-read it…”

“This is what I’m saying , Nick! You bared your soul and I shut it down, hard . And shamed you for having those feelings. And then ghosted you for two years. Like…think of the worst way someone could respond when you tell them you lo-” Charlie cut himself off, abruptly. His eyes darted over to Nick’s, wondering if they were really going to go there, to be really honest.

“When I told you I loved you,” Nick finished. Both of them settled back onto their hands when the words came out of Nick’s mouth, like they were being directed in a play. The words hung in the air. They didn’t say anything, either of them, just breathed next to each other, their chests rising and falling at the same time. A car revved in the distance, pulling both of their attention to it, and they watched together as it sped off when the stoplight turned green.

“That was the first time anyone has told me they loved me, you know,” Charlie whispered. It was so quiet, almost as if he was talking to himself. The tears that had been falling on and off throughout the last hour returned again, and he felt one slip down his cheek. He let it fall without wiping it away.

“That was the first time I’d ever told someone I loved them,” Nick whispered back, a confession that only Charlie would ever hear. Charlie had never considered it, but now that Nick had said it, of course it was. Nick was single throughout college, and though Charlie didn’t have his high school dating history memorized or anything, he was pretty sure there had just been a smattering of a few dates here, a couple-months of formal relationships there. And even though Charlie knew now that Nick hadn’t spent the last two years dwelling on his hurtful response, his heart absolutely ached for Nick - and for himself – that something as beautiful as a first ‘I love you’ had caused such grief and division instead of joy.

“Can I ask you a question?” Charlie asked eventually. Nick nodded wordlessly. “I know from my perspective why we stopped talking after that. Like, obviously, I assumed you were angry with me and like, wounded by how I’d responded and decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. But…if that wasn’t how you felt about the conversation, why did you stop talking to me?” He turned to face Nick again, the passing cars and clouds moving across the moon lighting up his face in the darkness, shining in his eyes.

“Because I was embarrassed , Charlie. Like…more shame and embarrassment than I’ve ever felt in my entire life, when I woke up the next morning,” Nick responded. “Like, here’s the timeline in my head about all of this.” He sat up straighter, lifting his arms in front of him, using them to indicate time stretching from one to the other. “You left,” he said, shaking his left hand. He moved it slightly to the right as he spoke. “I mourned and grieved and missed you and hated myself for letting you go, for months . Eventually I can’t take it anymore, I get drunk, I tell you I fucking loved you - which I did, by the way. That wasn’t the alcohol talking, but I maybe wouldn’t have gone that far if I hadn’t been drunk. Anyway - the conversation goes about as poorly as it can, I go to bed, absolutely destroyed . I wake up the next day, re-read the first few sentences and then just…deleted Facebook. Like, the burning shame I felt, seeing the words in black and white, the words I had written , the ways I had just…dumped every thing on you… expecting what? That you would say you loved me too? That you’d say you’d move back here? Like, what had I wanted out of that conversation? I felt so stupid the next morning. I …I couldn’t handle even having that conversation exist anymore. So I deleted Facebook. I wasn’t even thinking about it being the main way we communicated.”

“Wow,” Charlie said, amazed at how differently this conversation had turned out than what he had expected. 

“Indeed,” Nick said grimly. 

“I guess…it’s a really good thing we talked,” Charlie said. 

“Hah, I’ll say,” Nick agreed, sounding amazed. “If we hadn’t, I don’t know if we would’ve ever like, gotten past it. We could have ended this for good based on just one misunderstanding.

“I mean, it was kind of a big one,” Charlie laughed, shaking his head at the absurdity of the night - of the last two years . He’d been so wrong about how Nick felt. And Nick had been so wrong about how he felt, too. 

“Honestly, Nick, this is like, one of the best things that’s ever happened to me now. This conversation, tonight. It…it reframes so much for me. It…like,” he took a calming breath, searching for the way to explain how it felt to have this weight lifted off of his shoulders. “I’ve felt like a really bad person for how I hurt you, for a really long time. And…it’s affected me. It’s made me uncertain of myself, and worried that I don't deserve love, and this just…it’s probably going to take a while, but what we’ve learned tonight, about who we both really are…it’s going to be healing. ” Charlie noticed that he had started crying, again. The tears fell steadily as he sniffed, wiping them away.

“Come here, Charlie,” Nick said, scooting over and opening his arms. Charlie leaned into Nick’s steady body, tucking his head into the crook of his shoulder. He slid his arms around Nick’s middle, squeezing him tightly, as Nick brought his arms around Charlie’s shoulders. They stayed in each other’s arms while Nick whispered into Charlie’s hair.

“You’re not a bad person, Charlie. You didn’t mean to hurt me,” he said, squeezing tightly. Charlie felt the tears falling more steadily, the meaning of Nick’s words - the grace he was extending to him, overwhelming. “I am so sorry for the way I disappeared after that night. I let my embarrassment make you feel like you’d broken my heart…” 

“You don’t have to apologize, Nick,” Charlie mumbled into his chest.

“No, I do,” Nick said, his voice thick and unsteady. “I never should have texted you that night; I was drunk . I shouldn’t have ambushed you and provoked you like I did.” 

“I forgive you too, then, Nick, though I still feel like what I did was worse. And…I mean, maybe I didn’t break your heart like I thought, but I certainly wasn’t gentle with it.” They clung to each other, reveling in the comfort of their bodies pressed together; the feelings of forgiveness and understanding washing over them. Charlie felt his tears slow, drying on his cheeks, Nick’s warmth seeping through his sweater.

“When I found out that you came out to visit Tori last year and didn’t try to see me, it kind of made me want to die,” Nick’s voice eventually broke through the silence, breaking the trance that Charlie had fallen into from the quiet rise and fall of Nick’s breathing underneath his arms. Charlie sat back at that, pulling away so he could look at Nick’s face.

“Don’t say that,” he said, shaking his head, eyes searching Nick’s for understanding. 

“I don’t mean literally,” Nick rushed out. “I just…I couldn’t believe that I’d fucked things up with you so badly that you wouldn’t even tell me you were in town.”

Charlie grabbed out for Nick again, pulling him into another tight hug, burying his face into his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” They separated, grasping each other’s forearms, looking at each other with tear-rimmed eyes.

“Let’s agree to stop saying sorry about that night,” Nick said. 

“Okay,” Charlie said, squeezing Nicks’ arms. Nick returned the pressure. They both took in a deep inhale and let it out.

“ Fuck , I feel like I need a cigarette after all of that and I don’t even smoke,” Nick said. For the first time in what seemed like ages, Charlie and Nick laughed, together. It started as a giggle, but then grew, both of them grinning at each other, dazed by their new understanding of each other and of themselves , the realization that this was the beginning of a new chapter.

“Not that I want to end this, but it’s almost 2am,” Charlie said, glancing at his phone. “You probably have to be at work in a few hours.”

“Ughh,” Nick groaned, running his hands down his face. “I start at 7:00 every morning.”

“Alright then, we should probably call it a night.” Charlie stood up, suddenly realizing just how cold he was. Nick stood too, moving stiffly.

“God, we sat on hard concrete steps for two hours. It’s going to take all night to get feeling back in my butt.”

“Hah, that’s what he said,” Charlie giggled. Nick rolled his eyes and let out a surprised laugh as well. 

“I’ve really missed you, Char,” he said sincerely. 

“I’ve really missed you too, Nick. Every day,” Charlie replied. “I can’t wait to be friends again. I’m going to text you so much you’ll wish we hadn’t cleared the air.” 

“Not possible,” Nick said with a grin, shaking his head back and forth. “But you can try.”

“Challenge accepted, then,” Charlie said with a laugh. They walked back to Nick’s car and got in, talking about everything and nothing as they drove back to Tori and Michael’s house. Charlie turned to face Nick when they pulled up in front of Tori’s rowhome, the street quiet and eerie under glowing street lights.

“Well, I guess this is it,” Charlie said, realizing suddenly that, after they said goodbye, he wasn’t sure when they’d see each other again in person. 

“Remind me when you’re leaving again?” Nick asked, putting the car in park. 

“Saturday morning at like, 7am or something.” 

“Ugh, that’s too soon, we’ve just gotten back to each other,” he said, sounding frustrated. Charlie nodded sadly, understanding exactly how Nick felt. 

“You should just call off sick tomorrow and come to the beach with me,” he said, raising his eyebrows at Nick. Nick laughed a bit and shook his head.

“That’s not very responsible.”

“Yeah, true. Okay. Well, then, I guess this is goodbye,” Charlie said, swallowing down the lump that was forming in his throat.

“ Unless,” Nick cut him off with a sly smile. 

“Unless?”

“Well…maybe I don’t always have to be responsible?” he asked. Charlie’s jaw dropped excitedly.

“Yes, Nick, come on! Do it! Call out sick!!” He bounced in his seat excitedly. 

“You really think I should?” he asked worriedly.

“Yes! Oh my god! We haven’t been to the beach together in ages! And who knows the next time I’ll be in Philly. Call off sick! Call off sick!” Charlie chanted. 

“Okay, okay. I will. I will!” 

“ Yesss !” Charlie crowed, clapping his hands together. “Okay, then I’m not going to give you a big sappy goodbye, I’m just going to go in and then I’ll text you whenever I wake up tomorrow!”

“Okay!” Nick said, smiling excitedly too. “See you tomorrow then, Char.” Charlie beamed at Nick as he jumped out of the car, tapping the hood a couple of times as he walked around it to reach Tori’s front stoop. 

He slipped into Tori’s house, noticing the light over the microwave had been left on so he could find his way in the darkness. He tiptoed upstairs into the spare bedroom and flopped back against the pillows, a grin overtaking his face. 

“What the fuck just happened,” he whispered to himself, laughing in the dark room. He fell asleep immediately, a grin plastered on his face.

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten

As much as he would have loved to sleep in, Charlie’s internal alarm clock woke him up before 8:00 the next morning, after a scant five hours of sleep. His eyes felt like they were full of sand; his voice was in an entirely different register; his back was sore from the hard futon. And yet, he was in a fantastic mood. The weight he’d felt for so long had been lifted, and he felt like he was floating from room to room as he showered, got dressed, and went downstairs for breakfast.

“Charles,” Tori greeted him dryly as he padded into the dining room, where she had set out fresh berries, yogurt, and assorted other toppings like cashews and toasted coconut flakes. Charlie’s stomach audibly grumbled.

“God, I’m starving,” he said, grabbing a bowl and a spoon, gratefully accepting the cup of coffee that Tori handed him.

“You got in late,” she said, raising an eyebrow at him. “Michael and I tried to wait but gave up eventually.”

“Sorry, Tor, I should’ve texted you,” Charlie said, realizing Tori was probably worried about him when didn’t return at 11:00 like he’d planned.

“Where were you?” she asked, taking a bite of her plain yogurt drizzled in maple syrup.

“Well, I did the pub quiz, and then I went over to the art museum to catch up with an old friend,” Charlie said, closing his eyes in delight as he inhaled the scent of the strong coffee in his mug.

“Which old friend?”

“Uh, Nick Nelson, actually,” Charlie said, peeking over to see her reaction. Of course, there was none. 

“I haven’t heard you mention him in a while,” she said plainly. Which was the equivalent of someone else’s jaw dropping open, aghast.

“Yeah,” Charlie said, trailing off. He tried to remember if he’d ever talked to Tori directly about Nick over the years. They’d spent plenty of time together, especially right before Charlie moved back to Indianapolis. “We kind of drifted apart over the last few years…it was good to catch up with him.”

Tori looked him up and down, saying nothing. She took a sip of her tea, her eyes watching Charlie over the rim. They ate in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, Charlie lost in his thoughts about the previous night. It was barely fathomable, in the morning light, in Tori’s tiny dining nook, eating yogurt and drinking coffee, that the previous night had even happened. Had it happened? Had Nick really forgiven him, and, even better than that, had he really not spent the last two years furious at Charlie, depressed and heartbroken, like he’d imagined? 

“What are you smiling about,” Tori demanded, still watching him over her tea.

“Oh, nothing,” Charlie said, glancing at her guiltily. “Just remembering some of the conversations from last night. It was really good to see everyone,” Charlie said. “Anyway, I’m going to pack up for the beach. Um…I guess Nick is actually going to come with me today?” He tried to keep the grin from overtaking his face.

“Ah,” Tori said with a single nod. “Should I be expecting him to join us for dinner then?” she asked pointedly. 

“I’ll ask him and let you know,” Charlie answered, rinsing his dishes out in the sink and depositing them in the dishwasher. He went back up to his room and pulled out his phone.

Charlie: Text me when you’re up.

Seconds later, Charlie’s phone was buzzing in his hand. He rolled his eyes, remembering all the times Nick had pulled this move over the years.

“Hey,” he said through a smile as he answered.

“Hey,” Nick replied, his voice scratchy.

“Are we still doing this?” 

“I hope so - I literally just called my boss and told her I was sick.” 

“Brilliant,” Charlie said with a grin. “How long till you’re ready?”

“Um…twenty minutes? I just got out of the shower and need to eat something, but I can head out after that.” 

“Okay, perfect. Make sure you bring some running gear.”

“ Running gear?” Nick asked, incredulously. “Do I have to?”

“You don’t have to do anything, Nick. But I’m going to take advantage of being at the shore by running along the boardwalk and seeing as much of it as possible before I drive back to a flat, landlocked state mostly known for cornfields.”

“Fine, fine. I’ll bring my ‘running gear’. Which is just shoes, you know.”

“Maybe for you,” Charlie said with a shrug. “I’m bringing an entire running suit!”

“I’m almost afraid to ask, but what else do you have planned for your day at the beach?” Charlie could hear Nick opening and closing drawers, his speaking voice muffled. ‘He’s getting dressed right now,’ Charlie’s brain supplied, unhelpfully.

“Well, aside from the run, I want to get a slice of pizza at Mac & Manco's,”

“Obviously.”

“And we have to stop by that little arcade.”

“Of course.”

“And aside from that…I mostly just want to like, sit on a blanket in the sand and the sun and close my eyes and feel the wind blow through my hair and listen to the seagulls and the waves and feel like I’m a very small part of a giant, beautiful universe for a few hours,” Charlie said.

“Now that I know we can do,” Nick said. “Honestly sounds lovely, Char. Even if we have to run for part of it.”

“Good, I’m glad you agree. Is there anything you want to do?”

“Nah, what you mentioned hits all my highlights. Plus, I can go back anytime. This can be your perfect beach day.” 

“Aw, look how sweet you are,” Charlie teased.

“Don’t make me regret lying to my boss.” 

“I’ll make it worth your while, don’t worry. Now come get me, I’m ready to go.”

“Alright alright,” Nick grumbled. “Still so demanding.” 

“You love it,” Charlie said breezily, realizing after it was out of his mouth that referencing Nick loving him might be triggering. Oops.

“If this was FaceTime you’d see the most giant eye-roll of your life right now,” Nick said flatly. “I’m hanging up.”

“Okay just honk when you’re outside. Oh also, you’re having dinner here tonight.” Nick let out a giant sigh and Charlie cackled, hanging up on him. 

—------

“So how do you want to do this,” Nick asked as he and Charlie exited his Buick, which he had managed to parallel park quite effectively in a tiny spot along a curb a few streets away from the sandy boardwalk. “Are we going on a run first and then relax or do I have to like, pace myself with the pizza because you want to run afterwards and watch the sunset over the beach or some shit like that?”

Charlie’s jaw dropped at Nick’s obvious disinterest in the run. “I’ll have you know that running during the sunset along this very boardwalk is literally one of the happiest memories in my life.” 

“Yeah yeah, I’m sure it’s lovely if you enjoy running. You do know we could walk along the boardwalk, right? I’d do that as long as you want.”

“How many miles do you have in you, Nick? On a good day?” Charlie asked curiously as they gathered their blankets and bags with their running gear, towels, and a change of clothes. 

“Oh…five? At the most? And that’s like, with an understanding that I’m running the five miles either because there’s something amazing at the finish line or because there’s something terrible at the finish line,” Nick said, squinting into the sun as they approached the boardwalk.

“Okay,” Charlie said, considering. “Would you give me three?” 

Nick huffed, lifting his bag over his shoulder after the strap slipped down. “Two and a half,” he countered.

“Okay, five then,” Charlie replied, a glint in his eye.

“What? That’s not how you negotiate!” Nick cried. Charlie laughed, turning to walk backward and face Nick.

“Come on Nick…” he pouted, clasping his hands at his heart. “My one beach run .”

“Fine, three, and that’s my final offer.” 

“Perfect, four miles, we got this,” Charlie said, racing into the bathroom before Nick could strangle him. The men stuffed their bags in their lockers, swapping out their flip flops for running shoes. They stepped onto the boardwalk, and Nick immediately shook his head. 

“Nope, too hot for a shirt,” he said, whipping his tee shirt off, leaving him just in a pair of green athletic shorts that grazed the tops of his knees. Charlie raised his eyebrows at Nick, trying not to visibly drag his eyes over Nick’s well-defined muscles.

“Why are you so tan,” he said, motioning towards Nick’s upper body. “I’ve never seen you like… not pale.”

“I take my shirt off at work a lot,” Nick said with a shrug, looking down to examine his own arms and stomach. Charlie tried not to think about a shirtless Nick sawing aggressively with a pencil tucked behind his ear, he really did.

“If I took my shirt off at work…” Charlie trailed off, trying to imagine the number of reports that would have to be filed with the state for inappropriate behavior by a teacher. He shuddered. 

They took off on a jog, headed toward the more developed section of the boardwalk. Charlie had already figured out the route he wanted to run (it was five miles, but he wasn’t going to tell Nick that), and it was perfect - the first mile would be filled with distractions: weaving in and out of families strolling to the ice cream shop, past the mini golf course and Ferris wheel, then through a strip of restaurants selling cotton candy and saltwater taffy and cheesesteaks and pizza. Eventually they would reach the outskirts of the ‘downtown’ boardwalk, and Charlie hoped Nick would be up for running along the shore in the densely packed sand for a while. They’d get to the glitzy hotels with the blue and white umbrellas dotting the beach, and then finally would loop around and repeat their steps, finishing at the lockers for a quick change and some pizza. 

Charlie kept an easy pace at first, attempting to gauge Nick’s fitness level. But after a few minutes, when Nick started a conversation about whether or not he should buy a new car and didn’t seem in any way short of breath, Charlie picked it up a bit. Nick continued his rambling about how great it was not to have a car payment, but how he wanted better gas mileage, still matching Charlie’s pace easily. Eventually, Charlie was running at close to his normal pace, completely flabbergasted by Nick’s ongoing chatter.

“Nick, how much cardio have you been doing lately?” he asked.

“Who, me? Cardio?” he asked with a little laugh. 

“You’ve been holding out on me!” Charlie said, shocked.

“I haven’t - I haven’t run in ages!” Nick defended. “Frankly, I’m kind of shocked by how easy this feels,” he said. His cheeks were ever so slightly pink, and Charlie noticed a bead of sweat collecting near his temple.

“I can run faster, you know” Charlie offered.

“No, no, this is good. I feel like I’m getting some cardio but I can still talk.” Charlie nodded, happy that he was going to get a good workout in. They ran side by side for a moment, their cadence settling into a rhythm, feet slapping the wooden boardwalk in tandem with each other. Charlie got lost in his thoughts as he ran, marveling at where he was - literally and figuratively. Just a week ago, he was working with Geoff on letting go of the hope that he and Nick would have any sort of communication with each other ever again. And yet here he was, a mere few days later, running along a beach in New Jersey with Nick by his side, chatting happily about nothing in particular, almost as if the last two years hadn’t happened. To be honest, it was almost concerning how normal he felt in Nick’s presence after one evening of hanging out and clearing the air. 

He hated it about himself, but Charlie felt like he was subtly bracing for the other shoe to drop - maybe after the run Nick would tell him that it had been a nice day, but he had decided he didn’t want to be friends after all. Or maybe he’d say that he wished Charlie well but didn’t like the idea of trying to be close; instead he’d rather be like Sahar or Sai: a friend he saw when circumstances worked out without too much effort or thought on either side. Charlie tried to remind himself that Nick had pushed for them to talk the night before, and had played hooky from work so they could spend the day at the beach. He tried to think of the situation from Nick’s perspective, but he had assumed so much about how Nick was feeling over the last two years that he felt sure he’d guess wrong again.

“Nick, what did you think when I messaged you?” Charlie asked suddenly, trying to be better about asking for what he wanted to know instead of spiraling internally. Nick’s breath was finally starting to seem a bit labored, so Charlie slowed down a bit.

“I was surprised, obviously,” Nick said. “I thought it was spam at first, actually.”

Charlie smiled at that, imagining Nick’s furrowed brow as he tried to determine whether the message he got was from his friend or a bot. “I was wondering because…like, in my head, you had been furious with me, and heartbroken. So, I imagined that you saw my message and got like, all moody and mercurial, the way I would have if Ben texted me out of the blue back when I still cared.” 

“Well if that’s what you thought would happen, why did you even text me?” Nick asked, looking at Charlie out of the corner of his eye.

“Uhh…fair question,” Charlie said, surprised. “I just - um, I really only wanted to reconnect and see how you were? I-I guess I hoped that enough time had passed that it would be more like, ‘Huh, Charlie Spring, I wonder how he is?’ instead of ‘How dare he barge in here and dredge up my past!’” Nick let out a loud laugh, pausing afterwards to catch his breath before falling into step with Charlie again.

“Oh Charlie, you’re silly. You had so many stories made up,” he said fondly. “Honestly, I think I saw the text - which if I remember correctly just asked me to blink - and I thought, ‘What the fuck kind of question is this?’ and sent you those emojis back. Also you know I don’t check Instagram, so I also thought it was really weird that you sent a DM.” 

“Well, excuse me for worrying about you for two years,” Charlie said haughtily. “I wasn’t making up stories . I was…empathizing with you.”

Nick huffed a bit as he ran, looking out to the sea. “If you’re so interested in hearing the ‘warts and all’ version of my perspective on the last two years, I can share it.”

Oh . Charlie was intrigued, but nervous. Nick had shared a lot the previous night about how he viewed his own role in their falling out , but he hadn’t really told Charlie how he’d handled the aftermath of it all. 

“Yes, Nick, I want to hear how it actually felt,” he said. “I can take it. Plus, at least now I know it works out in the end, because somehow we’re about to hit mile four on our jog across the Atlantic coast.”

“ Four miles?! ” Nick exclaimed, whipping around to look at Charlie. “I was promised three!”

“Well it’ll be six by the time we get back…”

“You’re insufferable,” Nick muttered, but he kept jogging. “Anyway. So I mentioned I deleted everything and was embarrassed and blah blah.”

“Right,” Charlie said, gently nudging Nick with his hip to avoid a puddle of stagnant salt water gathering in a dip of the boardwalk.

“You’ve mentioned the phrase ‘heartbroken’ a few times…” Nick said as they jogged. “I think I kind of let the burning embarrassment take the lead in my emotional state at first. That and the self-loathing. It was easier to focus on my own issues rather than thinking about how you crushed my heart and then ghosted me.”

“Nick…” Charlie said, frowning.

“It’s fine, I got over it,” he said dismissively, waving a hand in the air. “Anyway, I think I knew before I even told you that you weren’t going to, like, drop out of grad school and move back here. I was prepared for a bit of heartbreak.”

“Huh, then why did you tell me?”

“I guess…I. Well,” Nick paused, and Charlie could tell he was trying to find the right words. “I guess I wanted to know that I hadn’t been imagining everything? That there really had been something between us? And, for some reason, knowing that was more important to me than knowing that you might not reciprocate my feelings,” Nick said. Charlie considered that, trying to remember what he’d said in their conversation two years ago. He remembered mentioning that it was ‘too late’, but he certainly hadn’t said ‘I love you, too’ or anything of the sort. 

“You weren’t imagining it,” Charlie muttered. “I did reciprocate your feelings.”

“Yeah, you said as much last night,” Nick said with a shrug. “Would’ve been nice if you said that originally, but…what can you do? What’s done is done.” 

“You’re so fatalistic about everything…” Charlie observed.

“Yeah I guess," he shrugged. “Time has passed. I’ve had a lot of therapy.” He trailed off for a moment, seeming to get lost in his thought.

“Okay, so you were embarrassed and in denial at first. Then what?” Charlie asked, almost afraid of the answer. Nick was speaking about it all so casually.

“Right, so I was embarrassed, which covered up the heartbreak pretty well. And then I was a bit pissed off, which is when I deleted Facebook and your number. And then I had a slutty era, and I was not good at that, like, emotionally speaking. And then was the uncontrollable rage, where I kind of scared myself and started therapy, and that was …a year ago?” Nick ticked off the stages on his fingers while Charlie gaped at him.

“A slutty era? Nicholas Nelson!” 

“What, am I not allowed to make questionable life choices and get off?” Nick asked teasingly. 

“No, it’s just… I can’t imagine you being slutty. You were so… single in college,” Charlie said, having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea of Nick hooking up with strangers.

“I may have been single, but you weren’t the only one sneaking around after dark back then,” Nick said with a shrug, once again shocking Charlie to the point that he stopped in his tracks, eyes following Nick for a few paces until he realized that he was running alone and turned around. His eyes were playful, even as his breath was uneven. “What?” he said with a shrug.

“ You were sneaking around with people in college? Where was I? Why didn’t you ever tell me!?” Charlie practically shrieked.

“Well if I remember correctly, you were busy fucking Ben,” Nick said with an eye roll. “Why are you so surprised that I hooked up with people in college, anyway?”

Charlie snapped his jaw shut, which had still been hanging open from the shock of the revelations Nick had so easily dropped. Why was he surprised? Nick was attractive. Of course he could’ve hooked up with any number of people if he had wanted to. Charlie just…never thought he wanted to. He always seemed so shy and unsure of himself around Charlie when matters of the heart came up. “I just…I didn’t know,” he said, lamely.

“Believe it or not, some people actually find me attractive,” Nick said. His voice was teasing, but his eyes looked…challenging?

“Nick, obviously , duh. Of course they do,” Charlie said, sweeping his arm up and down, gesturing at Nick’s shirtless body, rippled with tan muscles and glistening with sweat. “That’s not what I meant.” What Charlie realized was the main thing surprising him is that he’d assumed that Nick hadn’t been sneaking around with people in college because he’d been focused on wanting him . He thought about what Tao and Elle had said the day he’d arrived: Nick had always been head over heels for Charlie - isn't that what they said? Was that not actually true? Did Charlie care that it might not be true? 

He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to Nick about this yet. The post mortem they’d had the night before about their conversation two years ago - an actual event that both of them had memories of - seemed easier than talking about the unspoken feelings roiling under the surface for years during college. Finding out that that might not have been the case, and the feelings really did just develop after they graduated…was Charlie disappointed? Had he wanted Nick to be hung up on him? ‘Yeah, I’m going to have to unpack this in therapy,’ Charlie thought to himself. He decided to leave this conversation for another time. 

“Anyway, now you know. I tried being a slut a few times over the years and it’s not for me,” Nick said glumly. “My life would be so much easier if it were.” 

Charlie laughed mirthlessly. “No comment,” he said. “I would kill for a slutty era. Instead my eras are either ‘obsessed’ or ‘depressed’ when it comes to men.” 

“Aw, chin up Charlie. You’ll get there,” Nick said, chucking Charlie gently on the chin with a knuckle. Charlie smiled at Nick and shook his head a little. “How did you spend your last two years after that conversation? I know you said that recently it was really bothering you but…have you been agonizing about it the whole time?”

Charlie contemplated his answer and decided to be honest - the whole truth, as they’d agreed to the night before. “Uh, not quite,” he said, peeking over at Nick as he spoke. “Like I said, I was angry originally, so I kind of like, metaphorically rolled my eyes and focused on work and life and didn’t let myself think about like, what it all meant . Plus, I was kind of distracted by, uh…that guy? That I had a crush on?”

“Oh yeah, that guy,” Nick said, rolling his eyes. “What was his name again?”

“Scott.”

“Right, Scott . He was like, a villain in my mind for so long. When you mentioned him to me…” Nick trailed off and shook his head, his eyes narrowing at the memory. “He’s the whole reason I went out and got shitfaced that night, you know.” 

“Yeah, I kind of put two and two together,” Charlie admitted. 

“I blamed him - Scott - for a while for this whole thing, you know,” Nick said. “But then over time and through therapy I realized that like, of course he had nothing to do with it, he was literally just a guy you had a crush on that didn’t even know I existed.”

“Right,” Charlie said, acknowledging what Nick was saying before continuing on with his own version of the last two years. “Anyway, I basically stuffed my feelings down and tried not to think about it and you for a while. It’s a Charlie Spring Special! Ignore it until you start manifesting physical symptoms!” Charlie did jazz hands while he ran, and Nick laughed a bit. “Eventually I realized that…well, that you deleted Facebook, and then I re-read our conversation and started feeling pretty bad about it. And then I just really missed you, sometimes more than others, like when I’d see that dog on my street I sent you all the pictures of.”

Nick nodded along, listening intently, chewing his lip as they jogged. 

“And then Scott started dating someone else a few months back, and I was pretty broken up about it, and that’s when I really let myself think about what happened with you. I’m not sure if it makes you feel better or worse, but you and our whole like, implosion was also a big topic at therapy for me the last few months. I thought I was going to therapy to get over Scott but it turns out I was going to get over -” Charlie stopped himself. ‘To get over you’ . He kept his eyes focused ahead, staring at the horizon, where the boardwalk snaked around a sandy outcropping and disappeared.

“Huh,” Nick said, digesting it all and sensing that Charlie needed him to move the conversation forward. “Sorry about Scott.” 

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m well and truly over that ,” Charlie said. They ran in comfortable silence, finally approaching the squatty cinderblock building that housed the restrooms and lockers, painted a vibrant teal with white and red stripes.

“Oh thank god,” Nick cried out when he recognized the building. “I’m not going to lie, Charlie, I don’t know how my body managed to do this; literally every second since about five minutes in has been physical torture.”

Charlie laughed lightly. “But you did so good!” he exclaimed, taking off to finish in a sprint, leaving Nick doubled over and wheezing behind him. 

“I can’t believe you made me run six miles when we agreed to three,” Nick grumbled, his cheeks bright red and his sweaty hair plastered to his forehead. He ran his hands over his face, clearing the sweat that had gathered on his forehead and left streaks across his cheeks. 

“Oh, I didn’t make you run six miles,” Charlie said, eyes dancing. “It was seven.” He winked at Nick and then whipped his sweaty shirt over his head, using it to wipe off his face and shoulders. He noticed Nick’s eyes flick across his bare chest, jumping back to meet his guiltily. “See something you like?” Charlie asked with a tease. 

“Oh fuck you, like you’re one to talk,” Nick shot back, shaking his head and turning toward the bathroom, his cheeks burning even redder than before. “You’ve been practically drooling this entire time.”

“First of all, I have not ,” Charlie said hotly, following Nick into the bathrooms and gathering his change of clothes. “Second of all, so what if I have? You’re obviously very proud of your physique.” 

“Oh my god, shut up,” Nick said from the stall next to Charlie’s as he changed out of his running shorts and into his bathing suit. They stepped back into the locker room, eyeing each other. Nick was in a pair of maroon board shorts with a small orange and white checkered pattern running across them, somehow looking even more fit than he had before. And look. Charlie was seriously committed to focusing on rebuilding his friendship with Nick before letting his mind contemplate anything else - he really, truly was - but Nick was and had always been so hot, and Charlie was a gay man who appreciated Nick for what he brought to the table, okay?  

“I fucking hate you for just like… looking like that,” Charlie said, taking a step back and letting himself blatantly take in Nick’s body. ‘ Just for 30 seconds,’ he promised. Nick threw his head back in a laugh, and Charlie felt like he might die as he watched Nick’s ab muscles contract with each laugh, becoming more defined and then relaxing back into the less defined version. 

“Once again, you’re one to talk,” Nick said, gesturing back at Charlie, who was wearing a short pair of olive green swim trunks with a hot pink pineapple pattern, slung low enough on his hips that his hip bones were visible. “Your body is just so…effortless,” Nick said, shaking his head like he was irritated. “You’ve never spent a day in the gym and you look like that. ”

“Too bad I wasn’t around during your slut era ,” Charlie said, wiggling his eyebrows at Nick. 

“God Charlie that would’ve probably actually permanently ruined our relationship,” Nick said seriously. “I’d trade today for every hookup over the last two years, and all we’ve done is run seven miles.” Charlie’s breath caught at the earnestness in Nick’s statement. Here he was, this beautiful man, with the kindest heart, who - up until 36 hours ago Charlie had been certain would never reciprocate his desire to reconcile - just casually putting to words how much they meant to each other. It left Charlie giddy with the knowledge that he meant as much to Nick as Nick meant to him, but sad, so very sad that they’d spent two years without each other’s affirming friendship.

“Come on then, let’s go get some pizza,” Charlie said, feeling his heart squeezing with affection. They walked down the boardwalk to Mac & Manco's and decided to split a pepperoni and mushroom pizza, inhaling it while they huddled together on a bench overlooking the ocean, finally refueling after their intense run. They ate quickly, licking orange grease off of their fingers, pointing out seagulls diving for scraps of food left in the sand, and giggling at the frazzled dads running after gleeful toddlers who had managed to escape their grasp.

Their pizza finished, they walked a few shops down to the arcade and spent at least an hour shit-talking each other over their Mario Kart placements, challenging a couple ten-year-olds to an intense match of Skee-Ball, and trying to save Princess Peach in an ancient version of Donkey Kong. 

Finally, they settled into a spot on the beach, spreading out a giant striped blanket that Nick had in his trunk. They laid side by side, Charlie on his stomach flipping through a People magazine he’d grabbed from Tori’s house on his way out this morning, Nick on his back, his eyes closed but face upturned, basking in the warm sun. 

“Remember when you told us you were bi?” Charlie asked out of the blue, growing bored with his magazine and tossing it into his beach bag. He turned on his side, propping his head in his hand, gazing over at Nick.

“Fuuuuuck you,” Nick mumbled, sounding like he’d almost been asleep. Charlie leaned over and poked him in between his ribs, where he knew Nick was ticklish, and Nick twisted away from him, a smile breaking on his face. Charlie giggled.

“Honestly, it was,” he made a ‘chef’s kiss’ motion, his grin wide as he watched Nick bury his head in his hands.

“You promised me you would never bring this up again and you’ve brought it up in literally dozens of conversations since then,” Nick said. 

“Well it’s always good to stay humble, especially fit guys like you who people don’t like saying ‘no’ to.”

“All you ever do is humiliate me and tell me ‘no,’” Nick said flatly, and Charlie recognized that, even though they were joking, Nick meant it.

“Fine,” he said, putting a stop to his teasing. “I just…” he started, a smile growing on his face at the memory. He noticed that, against his will, Nick was smiling too. “It’s one of the top ten memories of my life. ”

“Happy to be of service,” Nick muttered. 

Charlie remembered that day it all happened. 

It was Sunday in January of their freshman year, and for some reason, his friend group had decided to have a party centered around an NFL football game, of all things. None of them were football fans, yet there they were, wearing sports jerseys, eating nachos and chicken wings, and watching as two teams full of grown men tackled each other. Nick and Sai were the most informed about the sport due to their years of rugby. They knew some of the players and announcers and were actually watching the game, while Charlie, Ben, Tao, and Elle played Uno in the background. 

Charlie was in the middle of his turn when Nick yelled loudly from the couch, “Tommy Polleromo? More like Tommy Poller- homo !” Nick and Sai shared a loud high five, but Charlie and Elle’s eyes bugged out at the slur. 

“What the fuck did you just say, Nick?” Elle said, her voice dripping with lead. Nick turned, his mouth full of chips, cheeks ruddy from excitement.

“I said, ‘Tommy Polleromo? More like Tommy-oh. OH! No! This isn’t what it sounds like!” he said, realizing that everyone in the room was gaping at him, aghast. He scrambled up from where he was sitting, his hands out in front of him desperately trying to stop whatever people were thinking.

“What exactly did you mean, then?” Tao asked, standing up next to Elle and taking a step toward Nick, his arms folded across his chest.

“No, no, I see what you guys are thinking! I didn’t…I-” Nick looked around the room, his eyes wide and panicked. “I didn’t mean ‘homo’ in any way! It…it’s just a rhyme!” 

“Yeah, that’s not a good excuse Nick” Elle said, her eyes narrowed at him. “Lots of words rhyme, but that doesn’t make slurs okay! Why would you say that!”

“No really, it’s okay!” Nick yelped, his hands still up, palms open in front of his chest. “Plus, I’m bisexual! It’s okay!” His cheeks were flaming red.

“What?!” Charlie yelped out, jumping up to stand next to Elle and Tao now, whose jaws were hanging open.

“I’m bisexual! Tony Polleromo was the first out gay guy in the NFL! It was like, a big story a few years ago? He started a nonprofit for queer people in sports, and I donate to them all the time! He was on Saturday Night Live after they won the Super Bowl last year and there was a whole skit about it, and the guy in the skit always called him Poller-homo? Have you guys not seen any of this?!” Nick exclaimed, running his hands through his hair feverishly, desperately trying to explain himself and growing more frustrated with each passing moment. 

Tao and Elle took a step back, looking between themselves and Nick uncertainly. 

“Tommy Polleromo is gay?”

“You were quoting an SNL skit?”

“You’re bisexual ?” 

Nick looked between the three of them, unsure of who said what. “Yes!” he sputtered. “Yes to all!”

“This is…like…a legendarily bad way to come out,” Elle said, almost in awe. 

“Yeah well this wasn’t how I wanted to fucking do it either,” Nick said, finally calming and suddenly seeming nervous as he realized what he’d just done. 

“Umm…congrats?” Charlie asked with a weak smile after a beat. “Welcome to the ‘Men Who Like to Suck Dick’ club?”

“ Charlie ,” Ben said from across the room, acting scandalized by his vulgar phrasing, as if his own dick hadn’t been in Charlie’s mouth mere hours before.

“I am never going to live this down,” Nick moaned into his hands. Charlie went over and gave Nick a hug. 

“You aren’t ever going to live this down,” he affirmed to Nick, affectionately. “But…on the other hand, thank you for the gift you just bestowed upon all of us. You will never live this down.”

“I hereby proclaim this ‘The Football Incident’!” Tao announced from across the room.

“Can we please change the subject,” Nick begged. “I’ll talk about literally any thing else - how to install a ceiling joist…the impact of the beef industry on our environment…fucking Elon Musk !”

“How about Imogen?” Charlie suggested. Nick looked up quickly from where he had dramatically flopped onto his back on the blanket, begging for a change of subject.

“Oh, I mean, sure, fine. Better than ‘The Football Incident’ by a mile .”

“What happened with her?” Charlie asked. 

“Not much - we met through a friend from Habitat at a party, went on a few dates, made it a bit more official, broke up after a couple months,” Nick ticked off on his fingers. 

“That’s it? No details? It wasn’t a big deal?” Charlie asked curiously.

“Not really. We had fun for a bit. She’s a great girl. But…” Nick trailed off, glancing out at the ocean and scratching the back of his neck.

“But what?”

“She just…I dunno. She was a bit boring. More into me than I was into her , I guess, and she could tell.”

“Ah,” Charlie said, contemplating. “You prefer someone harder to get?” 

Nick let out a chuckle, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s not even that,” he said. “I think I just…need to really want something, fully. I don’t want to feel lukewarm or unsure, and I was both with Imogen.” Charlie hummed in acknowledgement, understanding. He was the same way; it was all or nothing for him.

They spent the next hour stretched out, occasionally chatting about something silly like driftwood or sea glass or the absurdity of stamp collections, but mostly they were silent, enjoying the peace of the seaside and the smell of the salt in the air, the sun warming their bodies.

“God, I never want to leave,” Nick mumbled into his forearms, where his head was resting. Charlie had been sure he was asleep, he’d been so still and quiet. 

“Me neither,” he said, stretching his arms overhead lazily before settling back on his hands, his legs splayed in front of him. “I can’t believe I’ll be back in my office in a couple days.” 

“Tell me about your job,” Nick said, still facedown.

“Hmm…well, I spend a lot of time doing admin work, documenting conversations, keeping track of student’s post-high school plans, going to college fairs and researching scholarships, all of that kind of stuff. And then I have ‘office hours’ for kids to drop in if they need to talk through any of their thoughts; I help them kind of think through their options and almost act as a career counselor? And then occasionally, I get pulled into some of the heavier conversations when there are problems at home or real concerns about a student’s mental health, but that usually goes through the school social worker.”

Nick listened carefully, eventually rolling to his side to look at Charlie while he spoke. “So you’re kind of like…a Future Fairy. They come to you, you help them figure out what they want to do, and then you tap them with your magical wand and help them get there.”

“Well, I wouldn’t call myself a fairy in a school setting, thank you very much, but yeah, on good days, I’m helping them carve out their next steps.”

“You should be my Future Fairy.” 

“Not a fairy.”

“Fine. My…Dream Planner,” Nick said with an easy smile. “Help me figure out what to be when I grow up.” Charlie smiled down at him from where he was sitting, noticing how the freckles on Nick’s face had grown darker and more vibrant after their hours in the sun. 

“It seems like you’ve done a pretty good job on your own,” Charlie said, the hint of a question in his voice. “You’ve learned a new skill that you enjoy, you’re good at it apparently, it is meaningful to you…are there parts you don’t like?”

“It’s not that, exactly,” Nick said, finally sitting up and scooting next to Charlie, mimicking his position and stretching his long legs out in front of him, crossing them at the ankles. “It just…okay, this is going to sound maybe a bit corny, but…I’ve learned so much about the housing crisis from this job. And I’m actively working in that space, but it feels like too little . I feel like I should be doing more, now that I know what I know.” 

Charlie hummed as he listened to Nick, his brow furrowed as he thought about what he said. Nick was just so good . “You want to do more of what you’re doing,” he said, chewing on his lip. “Do you mean like, you wish you could build more houses, or like, go all the way in the other direction and work on housing policy in the government?”  

Nick chuckled at Charlie’s suggestion. “Imagine me in city government. In a suit? Speaking publicly? Come on.” Charlie’s mind wandered and he imagined an older version of Nick, striding into the government chambers confidently, wearing a perfectly cut navy suit that stretched across his chest, his biceps filling out the sleeves, his trousers fitting perfectly, speaking eloquently and passionately about zoning policies… oh god . Had Charlie just discovered a new kink? He felt his breath pick up.

“Uhh…I…don’t think that’s such a stretch,” he said, hoping not to be further questioned about how breathy his voice had become. He couldn’t look at Nick right now, so he looked the other way, watching an older couple as they strolled along the shore, stopping to pick up shells every few feet.

“No, I think I’m more interested in like, awareness? Instead of being on a site visit all day, literally building a staircase, I want to do outreach and spread the word about why it all matters, or something.” 

“Ah,” Charlie said, understanding better what Nick meant. “Does Habitat have any programs like that?” 

“Yeah, it’s actually my favorite part of the job - every summer we do a couple week-long camps where high school kids volunteer and help us with the house we’re working on. It’s great - they live in a college dorm near the build site and each day we teach them about an aspect of the build - carpentry, electrical work, plumbing, laying tile - and then we have dinner together every night and do some educational stuff around housing…the week ends with the dedication for the family that’s going to move in, and it’s an amazing party.”

Charlie smiled, noticing how Nick’s face completely lit up as he talked about the program. If he was going to be Nick’s Dream Planner , this is definitely where he’d focus. “So what’s your role in the summer camp program? Could you try to like, transition into that department?”

“Oh, no, I just lead the carpentry component and then join in on the evenings, get to know the kids. There’s a whole team that plans and coordinates the program, but I don’t think I’d want to do that…” he said, grabbing a handful of sand in his fist and letting it slowly trail out into a tiny pile next to the blanket they sat on.

“Does it really just take one week to build a house?” Charlie asked, the kernel of an idea forming.

“Oh, god no. It takes like, at least nine months. We bring the kids in near the end so they get to see the fun and meaningful stuff.” 

“Is the program just for teens?” 

“Uhh…not exclusively. We’ve had retired people join for a week, or moms with their older kids looking for a worthwhile summer activity,” Nick said, eyeing Charlie curiously. “Why?”

“Uh, well…” Charlie’s brain was whirring, flipping through the barrage of ideas that were hitting him throughout this conversation. He hadn’t figured out one idea that made the most sense yet, but he could tell he was close. “I’m thinking, I’m not sure. Just…let me think on all of this.”

“Okay,” Nick said, smiling. “I am dying to know what’s going on in your brain,” he said, bumping his shoulder with Charlie’s.

“Haha, well as soon as I sort through the ideas, I’ll let you know,” Charlie answered, bumping back. He knew that, as he drove through Pennsylvania and Ohio tomorrow - flat stretches of unending highway lined with grassy fields on either side, his mind would be working on this underneath the surface. “Ugh I just remembered that I have to drive for ten hours straight tomorrow,” Charlie said with a groan. “And I haven’t even packed yet.” He glanced at his phone - it was 4:30pm.

“Should we head back?” Nick asked. “What time are we supposed to have dinner with Tori and Michael?”

“Oh shit! I never told them you were coming!” Charlie said, scrambling to stand up. He grabbed his phone and shot off a quick text to Tori, confirming their dinner plans. 

“I don’t have to,” Nick said insecurely. “I don’t want to put Tori out.” He shuddered at the thought. Tori was scary.

“You’re coming.” Charlie said with finality. “Come on, let’s head back. We’ll beat a bit of the traffic if we leave now.” He offered his hands to Nick, who took them and hoisted himself up, dusting the sand off his backside. Charlie fished for his tee shirt and flip flops in his bag, slipping it over his head, while Nick shook out and rolled up the blanket. They walked side by side to the car, bumping shoulders every few feet in what eventually became an intentional challenge to see who could knock the other off their balance. 

“You’re such an oaf,” Charlie laughed as he was knocked off of the sidewalk and into the grass.

“Yeah but I’m your oaf,” Nick replied with a wink. And Charlie couldn’t argue.

_________

“So, how was the beach ,” Tori asked. Somehow, coming from her mouth, it felt like a loaded question.

“Brilliant,” Nick answered after swallowing a bite of salad that Michael had carefully set in front of him when they sat down for dinner. Charlie nodded in agreement.

“What’d you get up to? Anything interesting happening out there?” Michael asked, waving his fork in the air ambiguously as he spoke. Charlie and Nick glanced at each other, and a smirk crossed Charlie’s face.

“We went on a run,” he started.

“Um, actually, Charlie forced me to go on a ‘jog’ with him and then more than doubled the distance we agreed to.” 

“Classic Charlie,” Michael said with a nod. “You know, if someone isn’t a regular running, pushing them past their limits can do actual damage to the tendons in their ankles.”

“Thank you, Michael,” Nick said pointedly, glowering at Charlie.

“Aside from that we just kind of ambled around - some pizza, some arcade games, some laying on the beach,” Charlie summarized quickly, choosing to ignore Nick.  

“Sounds like a lovely day,” Michael said, nodding at them encouragingly. 

“So you’re friends again,” Tori stated flatly, looking back and forth between Charlie and Nick. 

“ God , Tori,” Charlie muttered. 

“Just asking,” she said, her stare practically boring holes through Nick.

“Uh, yeah?” Nick said, nervously putting his fork down and rubbing the back of his neck. “We worked out our, uh…misunderstanding, I guess you could call it.”

“So there was a problem,” she shot back, fixing her gaze at Charlie. 

“Tori,” Michael said gently, a hint of warning in his voice. “I’m glad you worked it out - obviously when Charlie moved we knew we’d see less of you, but I hated to think you two had issues you hadn’t worked out.” 

Nick hummed and nodded, glancing at Charlie, and Charlie rolled his eyes in irritation. He had literally never said a thing to Tori or Michael about a falling out with Nick. How did they even know about it?

“It was obvious,” Tori said, reading Charlie’s mind. “You didn’t have to say anything.”

“Ugh, fine ,” Charlie said with a pout. “Yes, we had a bit of a fight, but we’ve worked it out and we’re friends again now, right Nick?” he asked. 

“Yep, yep, all good now,” Nick said with a nod. “A simple misunderstanding. Nothing to see here. No lingering issues or feelings. Best buddies forever.” As he rambled on, he and Charlie locked eyes. Apparently they had more to talk about, because best buddies ? What the fuck? They had literally never said that to each other. Technically, yes, they’d always been ‘best buddies’ in the sense that they were good friends, but … buddies was not it . 

“Great, great, so happy to hear,” Michael said, smiling warmly at them, missing the subtext. 

“Riiight,” Tori said in a clipped tone. God, Tori . If Charlie didn’t love her so much he would hate her. They finished dinner, finally changing topics to work and Charlie’s plans for his departure the next morning. Nick and Charlie cleaned up dinner and quickly fell into step with each other, Nick clearing the table and Charlie rinsing the dishes while Michael and Tori sat in their living room, sipping on wine in a comfortable silence. Nick and Charlie joined them when they were finished in the kitchen, and the four of them (well, three - Tori mostly listened) reminisced about the time Nick challenged Charlie to chug an entire 16 ounce can of Yuengling in these very same seats, five years before, resulting in Charlie spewing a mouthful of beer directly into his face. 

Their laughter died down, eventually Tori mentioned she was tired, and the moment that Charlie had been bracing himself for since they returned from the beach approached: it was time to say goodbye to Nick. He wouldn’t have dreaded it so much if they already had plans for another visit, but as it were, neither of them had discussed how to maintain their friendship - much less try to grow it - after Charlie returned to Indianapolis. He felt a dark moodiness creep into the edges of his psyche, an itchiness beneath his skin. His knee bobbed frenetically where he was sitting, his agitation expressing itself physically, after Tori and Michael excused themselves and went upstairs. 

“Hey, it’ll be okay,” Nick’s voice said gently next to him, and Charlie felt Nick’s hand drop to his bouncing knee, encouraging him silently to calm down. Charlie turned to face Nick, trying to keep his gaze steady.

“I don’t know how to do this next part,” Charlie confessed, looking at Nick’s hand, which was still resting heavily on his knee, grounding him. 

“We’ll figure it out,” Nick said with a crooked smile, squeezing Charlie’s knee. Charlie let out a frustrated sigh, his eyes darting around the room.

“It’s just…I feel so - like,” he covered Nick’s hand with his, gripping it as he worked through his feelings. “I just - now that you’re back in my life, I never want you to not be in it again,” Charlie said, hoping he didn’t sound too needy. God he sounded like such a wimp. Was he about to cry?

“Okay, then I won’t ever…not be?” Nick said, getting a bit tripped up with the double negative. “Er…I wont’ - I will be? Yeah, I will be then.”

“But how do we even do that?” Charlie asked, gesturing between the two of them. “I really meant it before, Nick. You were my best friend. I feel like you are my best friend again, now, already. I want to be yours, too. How do we do that when we don’t know when we’ll see each other again?” 

“We’ll figure it out,” Nick repeated again. “We’ll…you know, text, send gifs, FaceTime, and we’ll have to be more intentional about visiting each other. But if you come out here a couple times a year, maybe I can come visit you too. It’ll be fine,” he said encouragingly. “Don’t get too in your head about it all yet, Charlie. We have time to figure out what works.”

Charlie sniffled. So far he’d kept the tears at bay, and he was determined for them to remain there. “Yeah I guess,” he said softly. He glanced over at Nick, a look of determination crossing his face. “I want to be the person you’ve been missing,” he said firmly.

“The person I’ve been missing?” Nick asked curiously. “What do you mean?”

“Last night, on the art museum steps. You said you’ve been lonely because there’s no one you’re really close with, no one can tell how you’re doing without asking. I want to be that for you.”

“You are , Charlie,” Nick responded. “You always have been. I was talking about you when I said that. I’ve missed your presence in my life the last two years. You being back…you’ve already solved the problem for me.” 

“Oh,” Charlie said feebly. And then the tears really did fall. Nick brushed his fingers under Charlie’s eyelashes, catching the tears as they pooled, wiping them away with the pad of his thumb.

“Your eyes are so pretty when you cry,” Nick said, holding Charlie’s face in his hands delicately, peering into Charlie’s eyes, inspecting them, memorizing them.

“You’ve said that to me before,” Charlie said, blinking back at him.

“You remember that?” Nick asked, dropping his hands and leaning back a bit. His cheeks started to turn pink.

“Course I do. It was…the sweetest thing,” Charlie said, trailing off. “I never told you this, but the night before that…Ben told me he was ‘tired of looking at me all the time.’ When you said my eyes were pretty it…honestly I think it’s what started me on a path of wondering if Ben was actually good for me or not, for the first time.” 

“I fucking hate Ben Hope,” Nick said intensely. “How could anyone say that to you?” They stood up then, guided by some internal shift they both felt, and started walking toward the front door. They stepped into the darkening city street, lined on both sides with cars parallel parked, squatty row homes with cats silently watching them from front windows. They got to Nick’s car and turned to face each other. 

“Thank you for messaging me,” Nick said. “Thank you for…for going to therapy and remembering me and wanting me back in your life. If you hadn’t reached out…I hate to say it. I might not have ever done it. I was sure you hated me, and I was still so embarrassed. ”

“I never forgot you, Nick, but please, don’t even talk about it again. It’s over. We’re here now.” Nick nodded dumbly, and Charlie could see tears pooling behind his eyes now, too. 

“I’m going to visit you in Indy,” he promised resolutely.

“I would love that,” Charlie said, a grin on his face. He stepped forward and he and Nick fell into a tight hug. “How about tomorrow?” he asked hopefully. He felt Nick’s body shake with a laugh. 

“What I want and what’s possible are two different things. But let’s try to figure out a good time for me to visit. And soon,” Nick said, and Charlie could tell he was smiling. “We have a lot of catching up to do.” 

“We do,” Charlie echoed.

“Hey, I meant to ask you earlier,” Nick said, stepping back from their embrace, still holding onto Charlie’s forearms. “Do you get summers off?”

Chapter Text

Chapter Eleven

The drive back to Indianapolis was mostly uneventful, from an outsider’s perspective. Charlie left a few minutes after 7:00, a steaming mug of coffee in his traveler’s cup and a bag of baby carrots, cheese sticks, Saltine crackers, and grapes packed carefully by Michael for the ride. Once he navigated through the city and onto the Pennsylvania Turnpike, he got into the zone, beginning his every-ten-mile sip of coffee and familiar pattern of checking the rearview mirror, the side mirrors, the odometer, and the speedometer in a never ending cycle. He hummed along absently to Origin of Symmetry by Muse, one of his all-time comfort albums, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel. 

Underneath the well-worn habits and (potentially? probably?) compulsive patterns, Charlie’s mind was buzzing. He replayed conversations with Tao, Elle, and Sahar from their dinner the first night - the three of them cackling with their heads thrown back as they reminisced about the night of Sahar’s bi-awakening in a crowded club, where she was struck dumb by the woman effortlessly spinning records in the DJ booth. He remembered picking his way across the path at Hopkins, getting a little too close to a Canadian goose, who hissed at him threateningly and caused him to jump back in surprise, glancing around to see if anyone else was around to be embarrassed by. A smile played on his lips as he remembered Sai confidently answering, “1984!” to the trivia question, ‘What year did E.T. win Best Picture at the Academy Awards’ and the look of absolute disgust that crossed Tao’s face (“It’s 1987 you absolute imbecile!” - Tao). He remembered mile three of his run with Nick along the boardwalk, when they ran past an insanely attractive couple who were pressed up against each other as they walked. Charlie had followed Nick’s eyes as he ogled them and then teasingly asked which of the pair had caught his attention. “I-I…don’t know. I think both… ” he’d answered, flustered. 

Eventually, Charlie’s mind settled firmly onto Nick - just Nick. He replayed all of their interactions, from the unsure first glance at the bar, to the tear-filled hug on the art museum steps, to the aimless chatting on the beach, to the easy way he slipped back into the particular rhythms at Tori and Michael’s house. God, it would be so easy to fall for him again. But Charlie knew, deep into his bones, that he couldn’t let himself start down that path. He lived in Indianapolis, and Nick lived in Philly. They were separated by a ten hour drive - more like 12 if anyone aside from Charlie was driving. Both of them had worked hard over the last few years to find jobs that they cared about and were thriving in, to create groups of people around them that supported and loved them. And Charlie couldn’t see himself ever being interested in a long distance relationship, especially with someone like Nick, who had admitted that he was an all-or-nothing kind of partner. As much as Charlie was physically attracted to Nick, and hell, who was he kidding - emotionally and socially and intellectually attracted to him as well, if he was being truly honest with himself - there just wasn’t a way that they could ever work, not really. Plus, there was the niggling sense in the back of his mind that, for maybe the first time since they met each other nine years ago, Nick seemed well and truly over him. It was hard to put his finger on it, but Nick’s confidence in himself had grown over the last couple of years; he seemed both more sure of who he was and what he wanted and more open with Charlie, in a way that felt like he was no longer trying to hide anything like inconvenient romantic feelings. Instead of stuttering and growing red in the face, his compliments were direct and unblinking, showing no hint of nervousness about how Charlie might take them. It felt backwards - Nick was more willing to talk about his former attraction to Charlie, and to acknowledge his current appreciation, which hinted at the feelings being less complicated and tortuous. 

Charlie sighed, noticing he’d missed his sip of coffee a couple miles back. He was briefly distracted by trying to decide whether to have his next sip now or wait another eight miles until it was time again. Maybe a double sip in eight miles? Maybe one now and restart the ten miles from this point? Ugh, sometimes he hated his brain. 

After what felt like both the longest day of his life and a blink of an eye, Charlie turned onto his quiet street, noticing that the spring flowers that had been in full bloom when he left had mostly fallen, leaving his tree-lined street fuller and greener instead of dappled and pink. He pulled his Civic into the attached garage and exited the car eagerly, excited to be home again and out of the cramped car. 

“Isaac!” he called as he walked into his apartment, pulling his suitcase behind him, his leather laptop bag slung over his shoulder. 

“You’re home!” Isaac called out from his bedroom, and Charlie could practically picture him setting a book face down on his bed as he made his way out into the living area.

“Miss me?” Charlie asked with a grin, giving him a tight squeeze. 

“Sure, if that’s what you need to tell yourself,” Isaac answered with a cheeky wink. “Did you have a good time?” He took the coffee mug and bag of crumpled wrappers and empty Ziplock bags from Charlie’s hands, taking them into the kitchen.

“Yeah, it was great,” Charlie said, lugging his suitcase into his room and onto his bed. Isaac followed behind him, sitting on the edge of Charlie’s bed, watching as he sorted through the dirty laundry and toiletries.

“Give me three highlights.”

“Okay, well…just three?” Charlie asked, his mind filling with too many ways to answer the question. 

“Yeah, for now. I’m sure you’ll get into all the details later. By the way - want to order in and spend the night eating way too much Chinese food and telling me everything?”

“Obviously,” Charlie said, taking a heap of clothes and dumping them into his laundry basket.

“Great, now tell me your three.”

“Okay…well one would be the night I did a pub quiz with a bunch of friends from college,” he said, ticking off on his finger. “Two would be … the entirety of Friday - a beach day and dinner with Tori and Michael. And third…well. I got together with Nick and we–”

“You got together with Nick!? ” Isaac said, his jaw dropping comically wide.

“Not like, got together got together. But like, we reconnected–”

“You reconnected with Nick!” Isaac bellowed.

“No! Isaac!” Charlie said, dissolving into giggles. “Um..we…asked probing questions –”

“You probed Nick?!” The two of them clutched their sides and fell onto Charlie’s bed, gasping for air.

“There really isn’t a great way to say that you talked to someone after a long time without sounding sexual, huh,” Charlie said, wheezing.

“You almost gave me a heart attack at first,” Issac said, wiping a tear from his eye. 

“You mean before you turned into a little shit?” Charlie teased, taking his toothbrush and curl cream into the bathroom next door, rolling his eyes.

“Me? A little shit? How dare you,” Isaac responded lightly, before sobering up a bit. “But, also, why didn’t you lead with telling me that you and Nick saw each other? This is…like…no offense, but the amount of time I’ve spent listening to you talk about Nick over the last few months has been borderline embarrassing.”

“Shut up, I’ve been working on myself ,” Charlie said, sticking his tongue out. 

“Tell me what happened!” Isaac cried, throwing his arms into the air. “You know I live vicariously through you.” 

“Alright alright, let me change out of these musty clothes and I’ll meet you in the living room in ten. And I want the Sesame Chicken!” 

The two friends settled onto the couch half an hour later, plates piled high with steaming mounds of white rice and sticky sweet glazed chicken. Charlie proceeded to tell Isaac everything - in excruciating detail, if you asked Isaac - about how he and Nick ended up playing trivia together, their cathartic conversation the followed, and their day at the beach. Isaac listened intently, asking clarifying questions, clucking his tongue gently when Charlie’s self deprecation showed up, and clasping his hands to his heart when Charlie described the moment that Nick hugged him to his chest as he cried and asked for forgiveness. 

“ Wow ,” Isaac said meaningfully, falling back against the couch when Charlie had finally finished. “That is…a lot, Charlie, but it’s also so good ! I can’t imagine how relieved you feel!” Charlie grinned back at him; Isaac was truly the best of men, so deeply empathetic and kind underneath his quippy surface.

“I know,” Charlie breathed, shaking his head in disbelief at it all. “I do feel like I just…can’t believe how wrong I was about everything, and I also can’t believe how right everything felt on Friday with him. It was like I’d never even moved away.”

“Yeah, it sounds like you fell right back into step with each other,” Isaac said with a nod. “So, like, not to try to make it a bigger deal than it needs to be or anything, but what comes of it all?”

Charlie groaned and set his empty plate on the coffee table, flopping back against the couch, letting his head loll back. “I don’t knoww,” he said pitifully. “Like, obviously we talked about like, texting and FaceTiming sometimes and trying to be more intentional about visiting each other, so I guess we just…do that? Be friends, the way you and I were friends when I was out in Philly for college.” 

“Charlie.” Isaac said flatly. “Be so for real. We both know that your relationship with Nick isn’t going to be like ours was when you were away in college.” 

Charlie willed the blush away, but he felt his cheeks heating up with the unspoken meaning behind Isaac’s words. “Why not, why can’t it be?” he asked with a pout.

“Because you and Nick are like, the One True Pairing of your life story! You’re in love with each other and you both know it !” Isaac said, gesticulating wildly.

“I don’t know it,” Charlie grumbled. “And I don’t think that he knows it either.” 

“Come on,” Isaac said with a roll of his eyes. 

“I mean it! It felt like…like okay fine, I’ll grant you that I’m starting to recognize that Nick has liked me over the years, and maybe even loved me, for longer than I originally thought. But this time, like yes , I could tell we were both over the moon about reconnecting, but it really felt like he’s…like he’s over it. Over me. Romantically speaking. He just seemed different .”

“Are you?”

“Am I what?”

“‘Over it,’” Isaac said, doing finger quotes. Charlie stopped the automatic answer before it came out of his mouth and settled back, picking a piece of lint off of the couch cushion and flicking it across the room. “I don’t think it matters either way,” he said, his brow furrowed. 

“Why not,” Isaac said with a frown.

“Because life has happened. I’m here, he’s there, he’s ‘over it’, and I’m…I have to live with that either way.” 

“What if you didn’t have to? Like, in a world where those obstacles weren’t there - say you live in Philly and you’re a guidance counselor there - would you want to be with him?” Isaac asked. Charlie’s heart thudded in his chest and he felt a quiver inside his stomach, fluttering with nerves. 

“I don’t know,” he whispered, finally. “I’m afraid to let myself think about it because it leads to me having hope. And if I have hope, my heart can get broken.” Isaac reached over and set his hand on Charlie’s forearm, which was resting against the back of the couch. 

“I’m sorry for pushing, Charlie. I really don’t want to upset you. I just think that…didn’t everything go south with Nick originally because you weren’t honest with yourself and him about what you really wanted? Hasn’t that been like, the entire premise of your return to therapy, trying to be more honest with yourself? You kept talking about ‘owing it to Nick’ to really think about what you wanted with him when you reached out a couple months ago, but if the entire concept of pursuing a relationship with him won’t even be on the table because of your…your faulty premise that you ‘can’t’ have feelings for him, what even is the point of all of this? Either be fully honest with yourself, and let yourself actually explore what you really want , or you have to go back into things with him well and truly okay with a causal, long distance friendship. And I don’t know if you two can do that.”

Charlie let out a long, slow breath, letting Isaac’s words sink in. “ Damn Isaac, when did you get so…so invested in my relationship with Nick that you had this entire speech prepared?”

“He lent me his toothbrush,” Isaac said simply, with a shrug.

“That was nine years ago !”

“Well it was a very meaningful exchange - you know how much I care about dental hygiene.” Charlie let out a laugh and rolled his eyes. “Plus, I’ve been rooting for you two ever since you told me about everything.”

“Oh god, what am I going to do,” Charlie said, dropping his head into his hands. “Being honest with myself is terrifying. Do you know the night Nick and I spoke on the art museum steps I made both of us swear to tell ‘the whole truth’?” 

“Sounds like good advice, you should listen to that guy,” Isaac said with a wink.

__________________

The next day was filled with adult stuff, like doing laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, checking in with his parents about his visit with Tori and Michael, and fighting off the Sunday Scaries. The one thing that kept Charlie from getting too angsty about his return to work the next morning was the near constant texting he and Nick engaged in, from the moment he woke up until he finally settled into bed at night. It started out simply enough:

Nick Nelson!: Am I allowed to send you a good morning text or are we not there yet? 

Charlie had seen Nick’s text come through while he was washing his face that morning, a grin spreading across his face despite the soap bubbling up around his eyes. He’d wanted to text Nick all day Saturday, every time he filled up his gas tank or stopped at a red light, but he held off, trying to give both of them at least a day to think about what they wanted their long distance friendship to look like. Charlie rinsed off his face and applied his favorite moisturizer, and then practically skipped back to his bed, scrambling against the headboard with a grin, his thumbs dancing over the buttons.

Charlie: I was kind of hurt you didn’t check in last night, tbh.

Nick Nelson!: … I already know I’m going to regret showing you this…

Charlie watched as three dots bubbled up, waiting for what he thought might be some sort of embarrassing revelation from Nick. Instead, a screencap popped up a second later, showing Nick’s draft folder, with four different texts to Charlie that he’d written and not sent.

Nick Nelson!: [draft] Hey Char, hope the drive goes well! I’m so glad….

[draft] Did you make it back to Indy okay, or are you still on the…

[draft] I can’t believe you brought up The Football Incident on the first day we…

[draft] Should my ankle be swollen like this? *image*

Charlie laughed loudly, peering at the different versions of Nick on display through his drafts. Relief flooded him; Nick was just as excited about being back in contact with each other as he was. 

Charlie: Give me just a sec, I gotta download that for future blackmail…

Nick Nelson!: *flat face emoji*

And that was all it took. Charlie’s phone pinged constantly, a mixture of stream of consciousness observations (“Why do you think they made red the color for stop and green the color for go?”), updates about their lives (“Remind me never to check my work email on a Sunday night again - I have ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SIX UNREAD EMAILS”), and fond memories (“Remember that time Dr. Schwartz had that little ball of sweat hanging off the tip of his nose for like ten minutes and then John Marshall asked him if he needed a tissue and he said NO?”). Isaac watched Charlie with an amused look on his face, clucking his tongue every time he leapt to grab his phone the second he had a notification. “Shut up,” Charlie said, not looking up. “It’s my mom .” 

“Sure Charlie, I’ve seen the way you look when Jane Spring texts you, and that is not it.”

Charlie walked into his office on Monday morning, feeling like a different person than he had been a week ago. There was a lightness to his cadence, an entire shift in his perspective. Colors were brighter; mild irritants like the distance between the parking lot and the back door didn’t cross his mind; his shirt seemed to fit him better. He fought a smile as his phone buzzed in his pocket.

“Mister Spring! Thank god you’re here!” Sophie said, scrambling up from where she was sitting cross-legged in front of his locked office door.

“Er, Sophie, it’s 6:43. How did you even get into the building?” Charlie asked, surprised.

“I followed Mr. Scott when he came in - I don’t think he saw me,” she admitted, motioning vaguely behind her. 

“Is everything okay?” Charlie asked, unsure whether he should be worried for or irritated by Sophie’s presence.

“ No, everything is not okay ,” she answered, breezing into his office after he unlocked his office door and plopping down into the seat across from his desk. 

“After you,” he muttered, following her in and setting his bag down on his desk.

“I got rejected,” Sophie said darkly. Charlie raised an eyebrow at her. “By Dartmouth. Officially.”

“Ah,” Charlie said, a heaviness settling over his otherwise sunny mood. As much as Sohpie was possibly - no, definitely - the most Type-A-Tracy-Flick-in- Election student he’d ever met, he hated when students were disappointed by a rejection letter. “I’m really sorry, Sophie. Let’s see what we can do about it, okay?” he asked gently, opening up his laptop and settling down into his seat. She sniffled, but her eyes looked closer to enraged than depressed.

“I fucking did everything right - pardon my French Mr. Spring,” she added hastily, but kept right on going. “I’ve played competitive tennis since I was eight. I starred in ‘Once Upon A Mattress’ at Footlite Theater. My GPA is 3.95 and that’s just because I got an A- in gym class my freshman year because I failed a quiz on how bowling is scored , which by the way makes no sense. ”

Charlie listened sympathetically, silencing his phone when it started buzzing in his pocket again.

“Let me just pull up Dartmouth’s application portal,” he said, powering up his laptop and pulling Sophie’s folder out of his filing cabinet. He rifled through the pages in her file, scanning quickly as he read. “So, first of all, you know that colleges like Dartmouth have a 5 - 10% acceptance rate, right? Qualified students get rejected all of the time.”

“I know, but I feel like there has to be something else I could’ve done,” she said, tapping her pen nervously against his desk as she tried to peer at the papers on Charlie’s desk. 

“And you’re still waiting to hear back from Cornell, right? It’s still your first choice?”

“Yes, definitely. I haven’t gotten anything from them yet,” she said, bouncing in her chair.

“So the only thing I think could make your application stronger - aside from the unfortunate bowling quiz - is having a more fleshed out volunteer section.”

“But I help out at Gleaner’s Food Bank every Thanksgiving!” Shopie practically shouted. Charlie held his hand up, trying to calm her down.

“Hey, you can’t show up before 7am and yell at me before I’ve had my coffee,” he said, rubbing his fingers in small circles at his temples. 

“Sorry.”

“On a Monday.”

“Okay, okay.”

“On the Monday after Spring Break.”

“ Alright , Mr. Spring! I’ll bring coffee next time.”

“Thank you,” he said pointedly, and she looked at him with a small smile. “Gleaner’s is great, and I’m glad you’re engaged with them. I wonder, though, if going deeper with a volunteer commitment might be more meaningful, both to you and to the admissions committee?” He tapped his pen against his lips as he scanned through Dartmouth’s application website. “Yeah, they have an entire program focused on service and experiential learning…” he trailed off as he read.

“But it’s too late for that, isn’t it?” 

“Well, if you’re only volunteering to get into Dartmouth, then yes,” he said with a hint of a tease to his voice. “If you’re volunteering to actually do good in the world and learn more about ways you can be an engaged citizen, then I would say it’s never too late.”

“Ugh, Mr. Spring, ” she huffed. 

“No, but I do think there are ways you can still explore volunteer experiences now and throughout the summer while also using them in your upcoming applications. You should hear from Cornell any day now, but you have a couple more schools still on your list, right?” he asked.

“Yeah, I want to apply to a couple smaller liberal arts schools on the east coast if I don’t get into Cornell,” she said, glumly. 

“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with small liberal arts colleges on the east coast,” Charlie said lightly. “You’re talking to an alumni of one.”

“Literally no one has ever heard of Hopkins University,” she said, wrinkling her nose as she read the diploma framed behind Charlie’s desk.

“Oh Sophie…” Charlie said, shaking his head. “I’m looking forward to talking to you when you’re an adult and have some perspective. Volunteering might actually be exactly what you need.” 

“Okay, well…help me. How do I do it? How do I pick a place that’s like, a good volunteer opportunity?” Charlie noticed the number of students combing the halls had increased significantly since he and Sophie had started their conversation. He glanced at his clock on his laptop: 7:18. 

“Okay, here’s what we’re going to do: you have to be in class in ten minutes, so you should head out. I don’t want Ms. Olsson to blame me if you’re late. But you need to think about the kinds of things you care about and come up with a few thoughts to help me get started. Come back to me tomorrow - after 7:00 - with a list. And I’ll look through our nonprofit partners to see if any of them have programs that accept new volunteers in the middle of the spring semester. Sound like a deal?” He looked at Sophie expectantly, and she nodded hurriedly as she gathered her bags from the floor where they sat. 

“Alright Mr. Spring, I’ll do that!” she said. Sophie thrived on assignments, and Charlie just knew she’d be at his door the next morning at 7:00 sharp with a printed and color-coded list of all of the nonprofit organizations within a 20 mile radius. She pulled his office door shut behind her and Charlie flopped back into his office chair, once again rubbing his temples. ‘ I need to get a bigger coffee pot,’ he thought to himself. He fished his phone out of his pocket to see if he’d missed anything and was shocked to see seven unread texts. A bubble of panic rose up in his chest. Was everything okay? Was every one okay? He scrambled to see what had happened.

Nick Nelson!: Happy Monday! 

Nick Nelson!: Hope you have a good first day back.

Nick Nelson!: Sorry I don’t know what time you start - hopefully you’re not still sleeping. If so, just ignore the constant buzzing of your phone, my mistake.

Nick Nelson!: Does your school really start after 7? Why do I have to show up to power-sand a set of cabinet doors before you have to show up to help students get into college??

Nick Nelson!: Hey, everything okay?

Nick Nelson!: What’s the name of that big car race that happens in Indiana every year?

Charlie giggled at the manic series of texts and shot a couple back.

Charlie: Sorry, I was cornered by one of my more intense students. Remind me to tell you about Sophie later. *eyeroll emoji*. 

Charlie: I get to work around 6:45 most days, and I believe you’re thinking of the Indy 500, though I’m not sure why exactly…?

When Nick didn’t immediately text back, Charlie put his phone in his pocket and proceeded to begin the monumental task of sorting through his emails, deleting more than half and organizing the rest into piles of ‘respond ASAP’ and ‘look at later’. He hummed along to a tune in his head as he worked and was surprised when there was a light knock at his office door.

“Carmen, hi, come in,” he said, standing up and wiping his hands on his jeans. His boss, Carmen, was a bit of an odd woman, if he was being honest. She was in her mid-50s, wore exclusively shades of teal (teal dresses, teal scarves, teal tunics over teal leggings) and looked a bit like an ostrich with her short, spiky hair and very large, round glasses. What she may have lacked in personal style, she made up for in extreme proficiency; everyone - both staff and students - felt known and loved by her and even Charlie had to admit that she was an absolute force of nature when it came to running the school.  

“Hi Charlie, how was your break?” she asked, floating in and perching on the edge of his desk. She smelled like baby powder and lillies. 

“Nice, yeah, thanks for asking. I went to visit my sister in Philly,” he said.

“Oh, I love Philly. Did you know I got my Master’s in Education there? It was back in the late 90s, and the city was a lot grittier then, but I still loved it. Hey, while I have you - have you seen Sophie yet this morning?” Charlie’s mind struggled to keep up with the conversation, unsure of which part to respond to.

“Yeah, Philly is great, and yes, Sophie was here waiting for me when I arrived this morning, if you can imagine,” he said with a little chuckle. 

“Oh, I can imagine. Poor girl - she really wanted to get into Dartmouth. She called me crying over break, so we went out to lunch and I gave her a bit of a pep talk,” Carmen said, waving her hand dismissively as if taking students out to lunch during her spring break was an everyday occurrence. Actually, it probably was for Carmen.

“Yeah, I have a couple follow ups I need to work on for her,” Charlie said, making a mental note to check in with his contact at the Humane Society to see if they needed any volunteers before lunchtime. He could tell from Carmen’s nonchalant attitude and her unannounced visit that she was about to ‘ask’ him to do something, and he would bet real money that she was going to use the phrase ‘above and beyond’ when she did it.

“So ever since we had lunch last week, I’ve been thinking about students like Sophie - high achieving, motivated, good kids. I’m wondering how we as a school, and you as a guidance counselor, could go above and beyond for them,” she said, picking up the hot pink pen laying on Charlie’s desk and scribbling a star on a Post It note absentmindedly. 

Charlie hummed in response, nervous about what Carmen was going to say next, and also wishing someone like Darcy or Scott were around so they could snicker at how everything was worthy of going ‘above and beyond’ to Carmen. It would be so much easier to be frustrated if she didn’t always go above and beyond, too. “Yeah, sure, what do you have in mind?” Charlie asked, trying not to let his anxiety spike as he mentally ran through his neverending to-do list.

“One of my colleagues sent along a grant application over the break that I thought you might be able to look into,” she started. Charlie took a steadying breath. He loathed writing grants proposals. “The Cambridge Society is offering a one-month paid opportunity for educators to explore public/private partnerships geared toward secondary students. I thought, since you already work with a handful of nonprofits, it might be good for you to apply.”

“Me?” Charlie asked, still not seeing the connection between him, the grant, and Sophie. “Can you…say more about what you’re thinking?”

“I thought that, if you got the grant, you could spend a month of your summer trying to create a more structured and in-depth student internship program. It could be for students like Sophie, who have done everything right but need to have real-world civic engagement and leadership experience.”

“Oh, okay,” Charlie said, puzzling over the idea. “So…if I got the grant, I’d get paid to work on this project over the summer?” Charlie’s half-formed plans of lazy days reading next to the MLK Park pool, visits to Lake Michigan for the midwest version of a beach day, meandering hikes through Turkey Run’s limestone cliffs, and biking to summer concerts at White River State Park flashed before his eyes.

“Well, just for a month - you’d still have a few weeks off on either side. The funds cover your living expenses and provide you with a stipend. Ideally, during that time, you’re able to get connected with a few organizations, and by the end of the month, you have a curriculum and some partner organizations ready to roll out to students for the fall semester.”

“Interesting,” Charlie said, rolling the idea around in his head. His summer break was usually eight weeks; while giving up four of them wasn’t his first choice, he did like the idea of dedicated time to focus on expanding opportunities for his future students. He also liked the idea of additional pocket change. Guidance counselors with student loans weren’t known to be flush with cash. Though he was only in his first year in the role, he was surprised at how little programming his predecessor had created. It was one thing that he hoped to build over time: creating pathways for different students to engage with their post-secondary goals, from intensive volunteer opportunities that Sophie needed to job shadowing and resume-writing classes for students who planned to enter the workforce. “Yeah, send me the grant proposal and I’ll take a look. Is it competitive?”

“Everything is competitive, Charlie,” she said with a wink, hopping off the edge of his desk. “But you’re a competitor.” She floated out of the room with a waft of her perfume and left the door open. She always left the door open and it drove Charlie nuts. He was sure she had some sort of well-articulated educational philosophy around why open doors created better school cultures, but Charlie hated getting interrupted when he was trying to focus. When his door was open, there was a never ending parade of students and staff popping in to say hello and ask him questions. He crossed his office and shut his door, pulling out his phone to call his contact at the Humane Society.

“Hello?” the tinny voice on the other side of the phone answered.

“Adam, hey, this is Charlie Spring from Northview Prep,” Charlie said. He heard a pause on the other side of the line.

“Charlie…oh! Hey Charlie, how are you?”

“Good thanks, hey I have a random question and I thought you might be able to help me out. One of my seniors, Sophie, is looking for some more in-depth volunteer opportunities over the next couple of months. You guys have a high school internship program, right?”

“We do, yeah, let me check and see where we’re at with it right now,” Adam said, trailing off. Charlie could hear him clicking on his mouse and rustling papers in the background. He sat on the edge of his desk and picked up the hot pink pen that Carmen was playing with a few minutes ago, clicking the tip in and out a few times while he waited. “Okay, so we’re already full with our official internship for this semester, but we always have Saturday drop-in hours for people to come play with our adoptable animals, if that’s something she would be interested in?”

“Ah, okay, too bad. I’ll check with her about the Saturday thing and let you know?”

“Yeah, sounds good, thanks Charlie. If you have other students who are younger that might be interested next year, we accept internship applications in August for the fall semester and January for the spring semester.”

“Great, I’ll keep that in mind,” Charlie said. They hung up and he considered whether working with Adam and the Indy Humane Society would be an option to consider for the grant proposal. As if on cue, his computer pinged with a new email from Carmen – the grant proposal. He scanned through it.

The Cambridge Society is seeking proposals for our inaugural cohort of DeCamp Fellows, a program focusing on creating public/private partnerships in order to expand the options available for secondary student civic engagement. DeCamp Fellows will receive a $15,000 grant that will cover one month of living expenses including room, board, and stipend payments to the fellow as well as their partner organizations. This stipend is offered to encourage focused attention on the creation of curriculum and programing, and will cover the costs of pilot programs and associated implementation fees. Applicants are encouraged to outline how their program will be funded after the pilot phase, including but not limited to dedicated funds from their school board, recurring grants, or through key donors.

‘ Huh’ , Charlie thought, his eyebrows raising as he browsed the application requirements. It did seem like an interesting program, and one that he could see himself really digging into if he got the fellowship. Plus, the $15,000 award was appealing, too. He was so used to operating on a shoe-string budget, using his own money to travel to conferences and pay for his continuing education requirements. Getting his living expenses covered for a month and having plenty of resources to build a program that could really mean something for his students was convincing. ‘ Okay Carmen, I see you,’ he thought, printing out the application and stuffing it into his laptop bag to look through more seriously that evening.

The rest of the day breezed by – Charlie saw Scott and Darcy during his lunch break and made plans to grab drinks after work on Friday, finally got through his unread emails, and met with a couple giddy students who had gotten acceptance letters from Indiana University over the break. By the time he got back to his apartment and toed his shoes off in the hallway, he was mentally exhausted from the day. He shuffled into his bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt along the way, preparing to change into a sweatshirt, when the familiar strains of a FaceTime call rang out in his pocket. He grinned when he saw that it was Nick.

“Well well well, to what do I owe this pleasure?” he asked when Nick’s face came into frame on the screen.

“Hey,” Nick said, and Charlie could tell immediately that he was exhausted: his eyes were weary, his hair matted down to his forehead, and he had a smudge of dirt across his face.

“Are you okay?” he asked, bringing the phone closer to his face to see Nick more clearly.

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine, why?” Nick asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

“You look absolutely wrecked, Nick.”

“Do I? This is just…how I look after work…” he peered into the phone, his eyes on the corner, and Charlie could tell he was looking at his tiny face on the screen. “Oh. Yeah I guess I do look pretty bad,” he acknowledged. He ran his fingers through his hair, fluffing it up a bit, and licked his thumb to wipe off the smudge of dirt smeared across his tanned cheek.

“They work you hard at Habitat, huh?”

“You wouldn’t even believe – my average step count in a day is like, 18,000.”

“Really? – that’s like 10 miles!” Charlie said, shocked. “No wonder you just ran seven miles with me the other day like it was nothing!”

“Well, if that’s what you call ‘barely breaking a sweat’ you should see me when I actually break a sweat.” Charlie giggled and felt a blush rising up his cheeks. He’d already realized that City Councillor Nick might be a bit of a problem for him, but Sweaty Carpenter Nick would do him in. He had to change the topic.

“So, how was work?” he asked, realizing as he sat down on his bed and that his shirt was halfway unbuttoned. “Oh, I totally forgot that I was in the middle of changing my shirt,” he said lightly, bending down to button it back up.

“Er, yeah, I noticed,” Nick said with a teasing smile. “I thought maybe you saw me calling and decided to do a quick striptease to make our first FaceTime call memorable.”

“Hah, you wish; no I just walked in from work and was going to change into something.”

“Go ahead, don’t stay in your business casual on my behalf,” Nick said with a shrug. Charlie noticed him glance away from the screen, his hand floating to the back of his neck.

“Okay. I try to swap out of my work clothes as soon as I get home. I have to have a visual cue to myself and everyone around me that I’m Play Charlie now, not Work Charlie,” he said, propping his phone up against his bedside table and stepping back, making sure he was still fully in the frame. He bent down and undid the remainder of his buttons, slipping his shirt over his shoulders. He noticed Nick’s eyebrows shoot up. “So…work?”

“Hold on, tell me about Play Charlie and Work Charlie first,” Nick said with an impish grin, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Hah, you know them both. Play Charlie is the one who made you play Midnight Snowball Fight on the tennis courts that one night our junior year; Work Charlie is the one who practically had a panic attack midway through the game and made you come back to my dorm and help me study for our cosmology final.”

Nick howled with laughter. “I totally forgot about that night! I had to borrow your clothes because I was soaked through with snow and I looked so ridiculous wearing your tiny little sweatshirt.” 

Charlie giggled into his hand. “You looked like…who’s that guy on the canned vegetables? The Green Giant?” 

“Oh my god ,” Nick giggled. “That’s mortifying.”

“No, are you kidding? Google him - the Green Giant could get it .”

“Charlie!” Nick guffawed, his jaw dropping.

“What! He’s so big and muscley and he’s wearing that short tunic made of leaves,” Charlie trailed off, biting at his lip. 

“You are definitely Play Charlie right now.” 

“I’m actually Menace Charlie currently. He comes out when I’m naked,” Charlie said, gesturing to his shirtless chest.

“Ah, right,” Nick said, blinking a couple times. “I uhh…don’t know Menace Charlie quite as well then.” He licked his lips and tried to maintain eye contact with Charlie, who had settled against his bed frame, the phone propped up on his knee.

“Are you going to be able to handle this or do you need me to put on a shirt?” Charlie asked through his smile. He kind of liked flustering Nick, even if it was treading into dangerous territory.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m fine,” Nick said levelly, and then cracked a grin. “Sometime over the last two years you got more confident and I am not sure how to handle it yet.”

“You think so?” Charlie asked, switching from teasing to reflective instantly. 

“It seems that way to me,” Nick said with a shrug. “I think I like it, but I think I’m also a bit scared,” he admitted with a laugh. 

“Okay, you’ve convinced me to keep my pants on for now then,” Charlie said with a laugh, drawing a strangled noise out of Nick. “So let me ask you again, how was work?”

Nick let out a huff and Charlie could tell that his cheeks were starting to flush. “Um..actually, I got a splinter?”

“Oh no, a splinter, isn’t that like, the worst thing that can happen to a carpenter?” Charlie teased. “Isn’t a splinter like the Final Boss for carpenters? When you have nightmares, is it just you running away from a tall, thin piece of wood?”

“I’ll have you know splinters can be debilitating in my line of work,” Nick said haughtily. “Are you going to keep teasing me or can we get around to the point of my call?” 

“Oh, you had a point? I thought this was just our new thing. FaceTime after work and whatnot,” Charlie said.

“I mean, it can be if you want. But no, I was calling because you told me you wanted to tell me about one of your students, Sophie right?” 

“Oh my gosh I totally forgot I mentioned that!” Charlie said, slapping his hand against his forehead. “And here I thought we’d be debriefing every day.” Charlie proceeded to tell Nick all about Sophie and their plan to help her get connected with a more in-depth volunteer program.

“Well, you’ve probably already thought about this, but have you checked in with your local Habitat chapter? Mine is starting to recruit for that week-long summer program I told you about already,” Nick suggested. 

“Ummm, would you think less of me if the answer was no?” Charlie asked, covering his eyes with his hands and peeking through his middle and ring fingers at Nick. The idea had literally not crossed his mind.

“I go to the annual conference each year; I bet I’ve met some of the people in the Indianapolis Chapter. Want me to see if I can connect you with someone?” 

“Uh yeah, that would honestly be great. I mean, I could cold call them, but it would be way better if you can get me to the right person.” 

“Yeah, no problem. I’ll look into it later tonight. I don’t know Sophie, obviously, but she sounds like the kind of student who would really be…erm, enlightened by that program,” Nick said, choosing his words carefully.

“Oh, you can say it Nick, she’s totally spoiled and out of touch with reality,” Charlie said.

“Haha, okay, well, I don’t want to make a habit of insulting kids who come from privilege. But yeah, she’d probably learn a lot of great life lessons.” 

“Oh, Nick,” Charlie said, shaking his head back and forth. “You’re just too pure. ” 

“What, I’m not!”

“You are, it’s so nice that you have such a good heart. Really. I wish I could be more like you.” 

“Charlie, you’re literally doing work after-hours to try to put together a meaningful experience for your most annoying student so she can become a better version of herself,” Nick chided, gently.

“Yeah but I am doing it with a sarcastic spirit .” 

“Alright, fine, I’ll give you that.” They both smiled into the phone at each other for a second, before Nick snapped his and pointed at Charlie. “Oh right! The Indy 500! Is that anything like Formula One racing?”

“Well, to answer that question I’d either have to know something about the Indy 500 or Formula One racing and I know neither,” Charlie said. “Except…well I do know people get dressed up for the 500 every year…” 

“Hah, okay, sounds weird,” Nick said, surprised. “They dress up how? ”

“Oh, it’s definitely weird” Charlie said, scooting forward and picking up his phone so his face took up the entire screen. “For some reason over the last like, ten years or so? People have started really leaning into the like, ‘redneck vibes’ of auto racing? So they’ll wear super short cutoff jean shorts, American flag bandanas, a lot of people will grow out their hair for months in advance and then cut it into absolutely ridiculous mullets for the race…lots of bikinis on the ladies if you like that sort of thing…”

“I’ve been known to…dabble,” Nick said. 

“Ew, Nick,” Charlie said, wrinkling his nose. 

“You know bisexuals like women too, right? Like, that’s the entire premise ,” he said with a laugh. 

“Anyway, why do you want to know about the Indy 500?” Charlie asked, curiously.

“Well, it’s over Memorial Day weekend…” Nick said, tracing the pattern on his blue comforter, looking into Charlie’s eyes through the screen.

“Uh huh,” Charlie said, not getting it.

“In Indianapolis”

“Correct, hence the name,” Charlie said, rolling his eyes.

“Where you live…” Nick said, looking significantly at Charlie.

“And…that has been the case for… forever ?”

“Charlie, are you being thick on purpose?”

“What, no!” Charlie said, startled at Nick’s growing frustration. 

“Can I visit you on Memorial Day weekend, in Indianapolis, and can we go to the Indy 500?” 

Charlie dropped his phone and scrambled to pick it up. “Oh! I get the line of questioning now!” he exclaimed.

“I thought you were supposed to be the smart one,” Nick teased, a big smile overtaking his features, his eyes crinkling at the corners. 

“Sorry I was very focused on Indy 500 clothing descriptions! But are you serious? You’d really come out here to visit me?”

“Charlie, of course . I already get a three-day weekend for the holiday; I could just take off an extra day on either side and make it worth the drive,” he said with a shrug.

“I will make it worth the drive, I promise!” Charlie said, jumping up excitedly. “Oh my god I have to start planning - a proper tour of all the Indianapolis attractions…” 

“I’ve been told it’s mainly corn fields,” Nick teased.

“Hey, I’ll have you know that we also grow soybeans,” Charlie said, sticking out his tongue. 

“Well you have a few weeks to work on the ‘tour’, as you call it. But, seriously, if it works on your end I think I could make it work on mine. Check in with Isaac and whoever else and let me know so I can request off work.”

“Oh Isaac is going to be thrilled , you have no idea,” Charlie said, suddenly worrying about the many ways Isaac could meddle if he decided to. He knew too much…he always did.

“Well great. Anyway, I need to shower, I stink,” Nick said with a grimace.

“Okay, yeah, and I need to complete my transition to Play Charlie,” Charlie said, gesturing at his khakis and bare chest. 

“Right, wouldn’t want to confuse Isaac when he sees you.”

“Alright then, talk soon Nick. Thanks for calling!”

“Bye Char,” Nick said, his face disappearing after a second. 

Charlie changed into his joggers and slipped on a worn ringer tee, grabbing his work bag and fishing out the grant application Carmen had given him. He read through it, highlighting a couple sections and making a couple notes on the margins when ideas crossed his mind. His phone buzzed on his desk.

Nick Nelson!: What’s your work email?

Charlie responded quickly, distracted by his work, as he navigated to the Cambridge Society’s website to read up on their core values. A few minutes later, he got a work email notification and checked to see who was bothering him outside of work hours.

          From: Nicholas Nelson

          To: Charles Spring; Amber Graves

          Hi, Amber,

          This is Nick Nelson - we met briefly at the annual Habitat conference in Raleigh last year. I manage the carpentry division for the Philadelphia Habitat for Humanity chapter. A good friend of mine, Charlie Spring (copied) is a guidance counselor at a local Indianapolis high school. He is in the process of trying to build out a more thorough volunteer experience for one of his students and I suggested he reach out to you as you’re likely gearing up for your summer camp season right now. Can you connect with him about whether that might be an option?

          Hope all is going well with you and your team, and I appreciate your help here.

          Best,

          Nick

Charlie immediately whipped his phone out of his pocket.

Charlie: Holy shit! Work!Nick! You sign your emails “B est” !?! My brain is melting.

Nick Nelson!: You’re welcome for connecting you with my colleague. You know, the point of the email.

Charlie: Please only speak to me in your Work Nick voice from now on I’m begging you .

Nick Nelson!: Fuck you. When you reply all and I get to see Work Charlie I am going to make your life a living hell.

Charlie: I can’t wait to see you try.

Chapter Text

Chapter Twelve

     From: Amber Graves

     To: Charles Spring; Nicholas Nelson

     Hey Nick!

Yes, we definitely met in Raleigh - I remember some of your comments about the importance of the Habitat for Humanity national organization to prioritize ongoing training about federal/state/local housing policies to individual chapters and was really impressed by your passion for the bigger picture. You make quite an impression! It's so nice to hear from you.

As to your question and your friend Charlie (hello Charlie, nice to e-meet you!), unfortunately the Indianapolis Habitat chapter closed down our week-long summer volunteering experience during COVID and we haven’t been able to get it up and running again. I am hopeful that it will return some day, but as far as I know, many of the chapters in smaller and mid-sized cities had to cease the program. 

Charlie, if your student would be interested, I’d be happy to meet with her and talk about Habitat for Humanity overall and any builds we have coming up that she might be able to observe or even participate in for a few hours? Let me know if that would be of interest.

Best of luck to you and your student, and again, nice to reconnect with you, Nick.

     Thanks,

     Amber

__________________________

     From: Charles Spring

     To: Amber Graves; Nicholas Nelson

Hello Amber, lovely to meet you as well, and thanks for your offer to meet with Sophie, the student Nick referenced in his original email. I have a meeting with her in the morning and will see if that is of interest.

I’m disheartened to hear that your summer internship experience has been discontinued; from everything Nick told me about it last week when I was visiting him in Philadelphia, it is a wonderful program that provides valuable experiential learning to secondary students. If it does ever return, please know that I’ll happily include it in the options I provide to our junior and senior students for quality volunteer opportunities. 

Hopefully there’s a world where our paths will cross professionally in the future!

     Warm regards,

     Charlie

_________________________

Nick Nelson!: Warm regards?! Oh, fuck you Charlie. 

Charlie: Hmm, what’s that?

Nick Nelson!: You only did that to fuck with me. And I like how you dropped in there that we were together last week. 🙄

Charlie: Amber was literally begging you to fuck her in that email. I had to put her in her place a tiny bit.

Nick Nelson!: Maybe I’ll tell Amber I’m coming out to visit you in my response and see if she’s free for dinner…? 😈

Charlie: Look, if you want to hook up with Amber when you're out here, just tell me. I'm sure it could be arranged. 

Nick Nelson!: Hm, if we’re going to hook up I’d probably want to run that idea by Evan.

Charlie: Who tf is Evan? Amber's boyfriend? 

Nick Nelson!: The guy I've been seeing for a few weeks. 

Charlie: Hey sorry, I just got pulled into a meeting. Talk later!

Charlie slapped his phone on his desk like he’d just been burnt by it, staring down at it with wide eyes. ‘ The guy I’ve been dating!?’ his brain shrieked at him. Nick hadn’t mentioned anything about dating, much less having been on several dates with the same person. His brain was swimming, his vision blurred, and Charlie felt the familiar rush of blood in his ears, just like he had when Scott casually dropped that he had started dating Jesse all those months ago. He clamped his hands into fists, driving his nails into his hands, and then released them a few times in a row, urging his body to calm down. ‘ Nick doesn’t owe you anything,’ he said sternly to himself. ‘He’s allowed to date, and he’s allowed to tell you about it when he wants to.’  

While he took himself through a few breathing and muscle relaxation exercises, he tried to come up with a way to distract himself. Luckily, he spied Sophie walking purposefully toward his office, clutching a three-ring binder to her chest. ‘Sophie, thank god,’ he thought to himself, for perhaps the first time ever.

“Mis-ter Spring!” she said in a clipped voice, breezing into his office and perching on the edge of one of his chairs. She placed the binder purposefully on his desk and opened it to the first page (of many, Charlie noticed, already beginning to regret any positive feelings he’d felt toward her a second ago). 

“Sophie,” he returned, mimicking her tone and pushing the panicked thoughts he’d been having about Nick to the back of his mind.

“As you probably can tell, I’ve been working on the assignment you gave me,” she said, gesturing to her binder and looking at him expectantly.

“I would never dare to imagine you wouldn’t,” he said, sitting back down heavily into his seat and rubbing his temples. She looked at him again, trying to convey something with her large eyes that looked back and forth between him and her binder. “Is there something you’re…trying to tell me, Sophie?” She let out a little huff and rolled her eyes.

“You may want to check the time?” she said, gaping at him as if he were the dullest crayon in the box.

“Uh…it’s…7:01.” 

“Yes, precisely, and I’ve been here for exactly one minute already. So…if you recall , Mr. Spring, I didn’t show up before 7, and I don’t owe you a coffee.”

Charlie gave a labored sigh, flittering his eyes shut dramatically.

“However!” Shopie said, lifting her pointer finger into the air. “I may have broken the rules just this once.” She reached behind her back and pulled out an iced coffee from her bag, handing it over to Charlie. “For you. For helping me yesterday. And today. And, I’m assuming, in the future.”

Charlie was actually touched by the gesture, and thanked her earnestly before taking a giant sip of the coffee, exhaling as if he’d just had a potent hit of a drug much stronger than caffeine. “I needed that,” he said. “Alright then, what’ve you got for me. Figured out your future?”

“Well, unfortunately no,” she admitted. “You’ll see in the index page of my binder, I’ve explored a few different nonprofits that I thought sounded cool, but they all won’t work for one reason or another.” Charlie watched as she flicked to the next page. “Gleaner’s Food Bank - no volunteer opportunities aside from weekly soup kitchens.” Next page. “Indy Parks Alliance - they actually don’t allow volunteers, only paid jobs.” Next page. “Big Brothers Big Sisters - you have to be 21 to volunteer.” Next page. “Friends of Fort Harrison State Park - college interns only.” 

“Okay, I get the point, Sophie,” Charlie said, stopping her from turning to the next page. “I’ve made a couple of calls on your behalf and have also come up short.”

“Oh no!” she moaned, dropping her head onto his desk. “All of this was supposed to be a bit of theater to set you up to save the day with the amazing internship you figured out for me!” 

Charlie chuckled ruefully. “I’m good at my job, Sophie, but not that good. It’s only been 24 hours.” 

She sighed dramatically at that. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do. The more I’ve looked into what you said yesterday and researched some of the colleges I want to go to, the more I realized that volunteering is the key . It’s literally my way in, and it’s practically too late already.”

“Look Sophie, I don’t think it’s too late. If we secure you a volunteer internship within the next few weeks, you can resubmit your applications before the deadline and add them into your resume, maybe add a few sentences about them to your essays, even if you haven’t officially started.”

“That sounds…like lies?” she said, dubiously.

“No no, it’s just … presupposing the impact it will have on your life. And don’t worry, I will absolutely require you to complete the internship to the fullest extent possible, even if you get into Cornell before it starts.”

“ Wow ,” Sophie said breathlessly. “I feel like you’ve actually been thinking about this.”

Charlie shook his head at her fondly, much to his chagrin. “Sophie,” he said, “I really do hope I meet you when you’re older so that you can recognize just how…how… you you are and we can laugh about it together.  Now get out of here - I do have other students, you know.” Sophie threw a puzzled look his way and stood up. 

“Should I leave my binder for you to read through it or…?” 

“You can take it,” Charlie said gently, ushering her out of his office and then leaning back against the closed door, rubbing his hands down his face. God, Sophie was a lot. 

From that point on, Charlie’s day slipped away from him. It was his turn for lunch duty, so he inhaled a ham and cheese sandwich in his office at his desk before jogging over to the cafeteria to make sure no students snuck out, stole food, or started a fight. Then he was pulled into a mediation meeting with a pair of sophomores who were making their teacher’s class a living hell because of their ongoing feud over a specific seat in the classroom. Yes, really. It was times like these that Charlie’s brain floated away from his body and he looked down curiously on his corporeal being and said, ‘What the fuck even IS this life?’. And then it was time for his office hours, where he had a steady stream of juniors and seniors stopping by to check in on application statuses, sign up for SAT retakes, and talk through their interest in making their love of video games a six-figure job within the next five years.

It wasn’t until 4:30, as he drove home from work, that his mind returned to Nick’s surprising reference to the guy he’d been seeing. As it was, he couldn’t quite tease apart whether he was jealous of the guy for getting to date Nick, upset that Nick had hidden it from him ( ‘He didn’t hide anything from you, Charlie.’ - Charlie), or angry that he’d already let himself fall back into his relationship with Nick enough that he assumed he should be getting priority in his life, suitors be damned. He knew it came down to the uncomfortable fact that he had just started being willing to admit in the darkest corners of his mind: he liked Nick. And he didn’t think he could ever be in proximity (physical or emotional) to Nick without that being the case. Nor had it ever been - that was the hardest part to admit. Sure, sometimes his feelings were buried pretty deeply under a pile of other more complicated emotions or relationships, but it had always been there, hadn’t it? Charlie had a therapy appointment with Geoff the next day, and he was both grateful and frightened of getting a chance to unpack it all.

He walked into his apartment, breezed into his room, and immediately pulled his sweater and undershirt over his head, grabbing an old Radiohead tee shirt, when his phone buzzed in his pocket. He answered, despite his shirtlessness, and saw Nick’s worried expression through the phone. 

“We have to stop meeting like this,” he teased, propping the phone up on his bedside table and pulling the tee shirt on. The crease in between Nick’s eyebrows disappeared and a smile broke out over his face.

“Hey,” he said. “I’ll call a few minutes later next time.”

“You mean tomorrow?”

“I actually haven’t intended to call you every day after work, you know, it’s just worked out that way so far,” Nick said innocently. 

“Sure, I believe you,” Charlie said sarcastically. 

“No, I wanted to call because you…well you kind of disappeared after I mentioned…uh. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay?” The nervous look on Nick’s face had returned, his brows knitted together.

“Oh,” Charlie said, settling back onto his bed. “Yeah, I’m fine - it was just a busy day at work and time got away from me.” It wasn’t a lie, but Charlie had to admit it wasn’t the whole truth. He took a deep breath, remembering his commitment to honesty - with himself and others. Damn that Geoff. “I will admit I was a bit surprised to hear you’d been dating someone,” he added in, carefully.

Nick nodded, a look of understanding crossing his face. “Yeah, sorry I didn’t, like, mention it in a better way? Or…I dunno. This is weird, right? I feel like this is weird.”

“No no, it’s fine,” Charlie rushed to get out, trying to move through the awkward and unspoken truth that neither of them acknowledged running in parallel underneath the words they were saying. 

“Did you think I was maybe…not dating at all?”

“Well, I hadn’t really thought about it, but I didn’t not think you were not dating.”

“Didn’t not think … I was not dating…” Nick echoed back. “You and your triple negatives always trip me up.” 

“Haha, sorry,” Charlie said, the tension loosening a bit. “I didn’t not mean to unconfuse you.” Nick's bright giggle made Charlie's heart skip a beat. “Anyway, tell me about Evan then. How long have you been dating?” Charlie tried to hide his clenched jaw as he waited for Nick's response.

“Oh, we’ve been out maybe, four or five times over the last couple months?” Nick said, looking up at the roof and mentally counting off the dates on his fingers. Charlie raised his eyebrows, though he wasn’t sure if four or five dates was more or less serious than he had imagined.

“You like him then?” he asked lightly, his heart rate picking up a bit in his chest as he awaited Nick’s answer. For his part, Nick’s cheeks started to turn a light shade of pink underneath his tan.

“Um…maybe a bit, but I kind of think it’s too early to tell still,” he said noncommittally, his fingers brushing his hair out of his eyes. Charlie had about a million questions he wanted to ask, but wanted to play it cool as much as possible.

“How’d you meet? What’s he like? When are you seeing him again?” he heard himself ask back to back to back, closing his eyes in embarrassment at his inability to reign it in. Nick’s eyes crinkled back at him.

“We matched on Hinge, he’s…nice, so far. Seems like a good person. Maybe a bit of nervous, but that’s finally starting to fade a bit. We’re going out after work on Friday for drinks,” Nick answered, totally used to Charlie’s firing squad tendencies.

“Okay,” Charlie said, taking it all in, his fingers fidgeting nervously with the hem of his shirt off-screen. 

“Sorry I didn’t tell you before,” Nick said. “I wasn’t trying to hide it, it just didn’t really come up.” 

“No, it’s fine, I just feel,” Charlie trailed off, a little smile crossing his face.

“Feel what?” Nick asked after waiting a beat.

“I feel kind of bad for flirting with you,” Charlie said, meeting Nick’s eyes finally. A slow smile spread across Nick’s face. “What?” Charlie asked.

“You’ve been flirting with me?” Nick asked with a grin.

“Oh my god Nick, don’t embarrass me,” Charlie said, covering his eyes.

“No, no, it’s fine! It’s just…you gotta be a little more obvious next time. A few buttons undone and double-entendres are like, entry-level flirting,” Nick teased.

“Eh, fuck off,” Charlie said, waving his hand at the phone dismissively. “You’re the worst.”

“It’s really fine, Charlie,” Nick said, growing more serious. “I know it’s just harmless; you didn’t mean anything by it. And plus you didn’t even know .” 

Charlie smiled back at Nick, but he could tell it was a half-hearted smile. ‘ I’m afraid it’s not harmless,’ he thought to himself, his smile faltering at the thought. Time for another one of his Charlie Spring Specials (*jazz hands*): changing the subject.

“So, bummer about Amber and the Habitat camp out here, huh?” 

“Yeah!” Nick said, sitting up straighter and picking up the phone, bringing it so close to his face that Charlie could see the sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of his nose and a tiny smudge of dirt under his eye. “I’m honestly gutted to hear that so many of the camps have shut down. It’s like my favorite part of our entire organization.”

“Yeah, it sucks,” Charlie agreed. “I’m glad I didn’t tell Sophie about the program in any detail, because it’s pretty much exactly what she’s looking for. Knowing her, she’d have already created homework for the staff before she even applied,” he finished with a chuckle. 

“Wait a minute,” Nick said, bringing his pointer finger up to his mouth. Charlie watched curiously as his eyes glazed over and he sat, motionless.

“Is…are you okay?” Charlie asked after a few seconds passed.

“ Shhh, I’m thinking,” Nick hushed.

“Ah, no wonder I’ve never seen you look like that before,” Charlie joked, giggling at his own words. Nick rolled his eyes in frustration and pointed at Charlie in the phone.

“I’m almost there,” he said. Charlie sat back and waited patiently, amused at the way Nick’s face changed as thoughts apparently floated around in his head. His eyes snapped up and met Charlie’s through the phone, finally.

“What if she applied for our program?” Nick said suddenly, urgently. 

Charlie tilted his head to the side, confused. “In Philly?” 

“ Yeah, ” Nick said, nodding excitedly.

“But…why? She’s not even from there.” 

“ Because , Charlie, she needs this program, and if she’s as… focused as you say she is, she’d probably be a dream candidate. Emily and Abby are always swamped with the summer camp on top of their normal work in the summer. If there was someone that actually has like, executive function skills and is desperate for a valuable experience, I bet they’d love to hand off some of the mundane administrative tasks to her.”

Charlie rolled the idea over in his head. Sophie, going to Philly, to work with Nick ? It was so absurd, like mashing three different concepts together that should never be in the same proximity, but somehow it worked, and Charlie didn’t have any better ideas.

“Maybe,” he said, chewing on his lip as he thought through some of the logistics of the program. “The distance from Indy might be a challenge…I’m not sure her parents would be up for it.”

“I could be their point of contact,” Nick said excitedly. “You and I are connected enough at this point that you could get in touch with her at any point through me.”

“Ooh, I’d have to talk to you as Work Charlie, and you’d have to respond to me as Work Nick,” Charlie trailed off with a sly grin.

Nick’s eyes rolled back into his head sinfully. “I don’t think I could handle that,” he said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“I’d have to send you my warmest regards every day,” Charlie said breathily.

“Oh god, why does Work Charlie have this effect on me,” Nick groaned, the color of his eyes darkening.

“Oh my god, are you being serious right now?” Charlie asked, the teasing tone vanishing from his voice, astonished at the physical response he was getting out of Nick.

“Weirdly, yes. I cannot handle this version of you,” Nick replied lustily, closing his eyes and shaking his head back and forth a few times as if to extricate a particularly noteworthy mental picture.

“Huh, I guess I know where to focus if I ever want to flirt a little harder, ” Charlie said with a wink.

“You cannot take advantage of me if we do this,” Nick warned, getting himself under control. “I am offering to help one of your students get connected with a really meaningful experience here.”

At the phrasing, it was Charlie’s turn for his mind to suddenly whir to life with an idea. Instead of the frozen, staring-into-the-distance move that Nick pulled, Charlie leapt up out of his seat as if he’d sat on a thumbtack, his phone clattering off the bed and onto the floor.

“I’m such an idiot, why didn’t I think of this sooner?” he yelped loudly, dropping to his knees and trying to find his phone under the bed. He grabbed it victoriously and stood up, lifting it right in front of his face, tightly zoomed into just his eyes, the bridge of his nose, and a couple curls that covered his eyebrows.

“What?” Nick asked, watching Charlie’s frantic movements with his chin propped in his hand.

“You and me! We should work together!” Charlie said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Wha—”

“We should work together, for real! I have this grant I’m working on that is actually really cool, even though it pains me to say it because it was basically assigned to me by Carmen – she’s my boss, you don’t know her, but remind me to tell you sometime, she’s ‘A Character’ with a capital C – anyway, we should work on this grant together! ” Charlie’s stream of conscious thoughts spilled out of him as he paced the room.

“Charlie, I truly don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nick said, helplessly. “Clue me in!”

“Right, sorry,” Charlie said, sitting back down, this time at his desk. “I’m forwarding you this grant application right now. I’ve been mulling it over the last couple days, trying to think of the program I want to suggest in my application. What if we worked on it together and our proposal is about…something like…using larger Habitat chapters to train promising students from smaller towns so they can be trained to help reinstate those summer camp programs? I dunno…we’d have to flesh it all out, but I’m sure there’s something cohesive that would make sense.”

“Oh!” Nick’s said, his eyebrows shooting up. “I mean, I know nothing about the grant or the program or the requirements or anything, but I’ll take a look at it and see if it seems like something I could do, sure! You know that program is near and dear to me.”

“Right, exactly, and maybe we could even include that we’re already doing a tiny pilot version with Sophie! They’ll know we’re serious then.” Charlie whirled around the room, grabbing a pen and a piece of paper, writing down a few notes before he forgot them. “I gotta go Nick, I’m having a major moment of inspiration. Read through the grant! Tell me what you think! And also if you get a chance, can you email me some language around the actual camp that you guys run for me to share with Sophie tomorrow? I only know enough to be dangerous, but if everything hinges on her agreeing to be our case study, I need her to want to do it.”

“Okay, okay,” Nick said through a laugh, on a face a look of wonder as Charlie babbled through his thoughts. “I’ll look at it. I guess…talk later?”

“Later, later, yes,” Charlie muttered, scribbling furiously, his phone forgotten on the desk.

“Okay, well…bye!” Nick’s voice called out.

Charlie worked on fleshing out his idea furiously for the rest of the evening, his eyes burning from staring at his computer screen. He finally went to bed, a grin on his face. Carmen would be so proud – he was about to write the most competitive grant application of his life.

____________

“Charlie, good to see you,” Geoff said, settling into his armchair across from the familiar old blue couch where Charlie had lowered himself delicately, clutching his favorite pillow to his midsection. “How are you showing up today?”

“Um, I’m actually a bit anxious,” Charlie confessed nervously.

“Oh? Why’s that,” Geoff said, making a small note on his iPad, which only served to increase Charlie’s anxiety.

“I, uhh, well, I have something specific I want to work through today, and I’m afraid of what might come out of it,” Charlie answered honestly. Geoff nodded as Charlie spoke, listening carefully.

“I see,” he said carefully. “And why does having something you want to talk about make you anxious?”

“Well,” Charlie fidgeted, twirling the tassel on the pillow around his finger. “It’s the usual. I’m afraid of what I might really be thinking or feeling about it when I have to be honest with myself.”

“Ah, I see. Well, why don’t you try to summarize the topic for me.”

Charlie knew this question was coming, and actually had an answer prepared for once. “Nick told me he’s been casually dating this guy for a few weeks and I almost had a panic attack,” Charlie said plainly, noticing Geoff’s eyebrows knit together briefly. “And I’m scared of admitting why it was such a big deal.”

After Geoff encouraged Charlie for how well he’d managed the early symptoms of his panic attack, they returned to the topic at hand.

“Now, you said that you were scared to admit why it caused such a strong response. One throughline we keep coming back to in our sessions is your fear of admitting what you really want; of being truly honest with yourself. First let’s figure out why you’re scared of admitting what you want.”

“Because I shouldn’t want it,” Charlie answered immediately, shocking even himself with how close to the surface that was.

“You know how we feel about the word ‘should’ around here,” Geoff admonished. “Why don’t you try again, using neutral language.”

Charlie sighed deeply. “I’m scared of what it means for me, and for my heart. I feel like my brain’s entire job is to protect my heart from getting broken, and wanting this is an automatic path straight to heartbreak.”

“Ah, I see. So you’re feeling conflicted because your brain is telling you one thing, but your heart is telling you another.”

“Right, and I don’t know which one to listen to,” Charlie said, feebly.

“Which one do you usually listen to?” Geoff asked, uncrossing his legs and planting both feet on the carpet. Charlie pondered the question – he remembered moving to Indianapolis when he got the graduate assistantship, even though his heart wanted to be with Nick. He remembered turning his heart off after he moved, choosing to focus on his new life instead of feeling the sadness of leaving his friends and Tori behind so suddenly. He remembered that he didn’t consider – even for a second – giving a long-distance relationship with Nick a chance when he confessed his feelings, because it didn’t make sense to him .

“I think I usually listen to my brain,” Charlie answered after a moment.

“I would agree with that, based on things you’ve told me,” Geoff said, nodding along. “And are you happy with where listening to your brain has gotten you to this point?” Oh fuck , Geoff with a dagger that Charlie hadn’t seen coming.

“You little scoundrel…” Charlie said, shaking his head at Geoff with a frown. Geoff looked at him with amusement and shrugged. Another dramatic sigh escaped Charlie’s mouth. “In some ways, Geoff, yes, I am. I have a job and a good life here and protected myself from quite a bit of pain along the way, thank you very much.”

“And yet…you came to me almost six months ago with the intention of learning how to listen more closely to your heart,” Geoff said lightly. “Let’s try this from the other direction. Are you able to be honest about what you want, separated from why it scares you?”

“Ugh,” Charlie groaned, leaning back against the couch cushions. “I can , but it’s terrifying.”

“Identifying a feeling and acting on it are two different things,” Geoff reminded him gently, using one of his favorite phrases. “Being honest with yourself doesn’t mean you have to go do anything in particular. That’s a different set of choices that we can come to later.”

“I know, I know,” Charlie said, irritated.

“So, what do you want? Pretend we’re in a vacuum, no external consequences related to what you desire.”

Charlie sucked in a breath, weighing how to answer the question in a few different ways. Did he want Nick to stop dating Evan? Did he want Nick to fall for him again? Did he want Nick to admit that he’d always loved him and Evan was a distraction?

“I want Nick,” Charlie said, simply. It was almost too easy to say it out loud, in a room where another person could hear him, but he’d done it. And he did . He did want Nick. In all of the ways. He felt the familiar tingling in the back of his eyes, recognizing the onset of tears. ‘ My eyes are so pretty when I cry, ’ he thought to himself.

“Thank you for telling me that,” Geoff said, nodding at Charlie encouragingly.

“I have more to say,” Charlie said, cutting Geoff off, feeling emboldened by finally saying out loud what he’d felt for…ever.

“Go right ahead.”

“I want Nick to love me again. I want him to stop dating Evan, and instead to tell me he needs me, and that he wants to figure out a way to make it work so that we can be together, for real. And, since I’m just, like, saying everything without being connected to reality, I want Nick to tell me he’s quitting his job and moving here because he can’t lose me again and then we’ll be together forever and get married and happily ever after and all of that.” Charlie let out a manic laugh at this point, falling back against the couch and bringing the pillow over his head. He felt a relief so palpable at finally expressing his true hopes that it had made him lose his marbles, apparently.

“This response,” Geoff said, looking at him curiously. “What are you feeling right now?”

“Honestly, I’m glad I finally fucking said it out loud,” Charlie said, forgetting where he was. “Sorry, Geoff. Finally said it out loud. I feel relieved that it’s just, like,…floating out here in this room finally.”

“I’m glad that’s how you’re feeling – being honest is a good thing, Charlie, and as we’ve said many times before, being honest with yourself about how you feel doesn’t mean you have to do anything about it, but it is a relief nonetheless.”

“Right,” Charlie said, sitting up again. “…but I do want to figure out what to do about it.”

“Ah, of course, don’t we all,” Geoff said with a rueful laugh. “As you know, you can only control your own thoughts and behaviors. What is in your control in this situation?”

Charlie puzzled on that one for a while. He couldn’t control how Nick felt, about him or about Evan. He couldn’t control whether Nick would be willing to try giving a relationship a chance if he did happen to feel the same way. He couldn’t control anything it seemed. After he didn’t answer for a while, Geoff asked another probing question.

“Remember, your goal for yourself is to be honest, with yourself and others .”

“Oh, right,” Charlie said, finally getting it. “I could be honest with Nick, just put my heart on a platter and offer it to him, sounds like a great plan.”

“That’s one approach, yes. Any other things you could choose to do here?” Geoff probed, ignoring Charlie’s sarcasm and eying him carefully.

“I mean…I either tell him or I don’t as a first step, right?”

“What if you choose not to tell him, what would happen then?”

“Then…I continue on like this, in this…ambiguous state. Eventually my choice becomes I either cut him off again because I can’t handle the not knowing, or he moves on without me.” Charlie stopped then, thinking through the scenario carefully. “Or, I guess, he could tell me how he feels?” he asked hopefully, even though, as he had identified before, he had a sinking feeling - made even stronger by the fact that Nick was dating Evan - that Nick had moved on.

“That’s an interesting thought,” Geoff said. “Does that seem like the kind of thing Nick might do?”

“Well he did it once already,” Charlie answered.

“And how did that turn out, from Nick’s perspective.” 

“Oh, it did not turn out well.”

“Does Nick seem like the kind of person to try something again that didn’t work the first time?” Geoff asked, leaning forward. 

“Well I sure as hell wouldn’t after what I said to him the first time,” Charlie shot back. And then, right there in Geoff’s little office, on his little blue couch, crushing the little yellow pillow to his chest, it hit Charlie. “Oh no. Oh no. Nick is never going to tell me how he feels about me, ever again, is he? Because of the last time. He already made the decision I’m trying to make right now, but he did it two years ago. And he chose to tell me. And it…blew up in our faces.” 

“From what you’ve told me about that conversation, there were a series of misunderstandings on both of your parts, and some ways the entire thing could have been handled better, again, on both of your parts,” Geoff said with a nod.

“I am going to have to do it, if I ever want it to happen again, aren’t I?” Charlie said, dropping his head into his hands. He stayed there, his eyes squeezed shut, mind racing through ways out of what was becoming the only real choice in his mind. Be honest with yourself - and others. Trust your future self. “Oh god,” he finally said after a few minutes of spiraling silence. “I have to tell Nick how I feel.”

 ____________

The rest of Charlie’s week passed quickly, and before he knew it, he was out for drinks with Scott and Darcy (soon to be joined by Jesse and Tara when they got out of work) on Friday afternoon. Sophie had been ecstatic about the potential internship in Philly and was working on sweet talking her parents into letting her go across the country for a week. Charlie and Nick kept up their ongoing text conversations throughout the day, but the topic had been a bit more focused on the grant proposal they were working on. The more they discussed it, the more excited they each grew about the potential they’d have to build something truly meaningful in both of their lives. 

After Charlie’s catharsis at therapy, he had committed to working toward telling Nick how he felt, but wasn’t ready just yet - first he wanted to see how Nick’s date with Evan went on Friday and how his upcoming visit to Indianapolis went. It hadn’t totally slipped past him that they were in totally reversed positions as they were two years ago: this time, Nick had moved on and was starting to see someone while Charlie stressed the fuck out about having missed his chance from afar. This time, if he could muster up the courage to go through with it, Charlie would be the one who laid it all out for Nick in a final, last-ditch effort to give this damn thing between them a real shot.

As he drove to The Squeaky Wheel to meet his friends, he couldn't help but imagine Nick doing the same thing in Philadelphia, navigating through the crowded streets to meet Evan. He wondered what they would talk about. What was Nick like on a real, official date? Flirty? Confident? Nervous? Were he and Evan getting to the point where they discussed their dreams for the future? Had Nick ever mentioned his good friend Charlie, as he'd said in the email to Amber? Did Evan know about Nellie? 

Charlie realized he was staring blankly out the window of his car, parked in the tiny side lot next to The Squeaky Wheel. He took a calming breath and gave himself a stern look in the rearview mirror before heading inside to find Scott and Darcy. They were sitting at a table in the back corner of the dark bar, already halfway through a pint of Blue Moon (Scott) and some lime green cocktail (Darcy).

“Hey guys,” he said, slipping onto a bar stool next to Scott.

“Happy Friday, Mr. Spring!” Darci said, holding her drink up to him. “Oh no, you don’t have a drink yet - let me fix it!” She jumped up before Charlie could stop her and scampered over to the bar, waving her hand over her head to get the bartender’s attention. 

“Oh god, she’s going to come back with another lime green thing isn’t she,” Charlie said, wrinkling his nose.

“Probably,” Scott said, laughing lightly. “I’ve actually started getting here early on Fridays and ordering a drink for me and her so I don’t have to choke down some garish neon concoction.”

“Ah, that’s a pro move,” Charlie acknowledged, stealing a fried pickle chip from Darcy’s plate and popping it in his mouth. Darcy came back, carrying another green cocktail and a pint of beer in each hand. 

“Game time, Charlie,” she said with a wolfish grin. “Pick a number between one and ten. If you get it right, you get to pick your poison. If you don’t, I pick for you.”

“Oh, it’s a Darcy Surprise. Haven’t seen this one in a while,” Scott said with a grin.

“Uhh…four,” Charlie said and watched as Darcy’s jaw dropped.

“How’d you know?” she asked, looking between Charlie and Scott back and forth. “Did you tell him my favorite number?” Scott put his hands out in front of him and shook his head innocently.

“Lucky guess,” Charlie said with a shrug. “I’ll take the beer.”

A slow grin spread across Darcy’s face, and Charlie felt a rush of panic. “That’s where you’re mistaken, Mr. Spring. Because this isn’t a beer. In fact, even I, the gamemaster, don’t know what it is. I asked the bartender to make something that looked like beer, and this is what he gave me. So your guess is as good as mine - drink up!” she said, handing the pint over to Charlie with the purest face of delight Charlie had ever seen.

“Well, fuck me,” he muttered, grabbing the drink from her. He took a sniff and the panic he’d felt earlier increased immediately. “Holy shit , Darcy, this smells like gasoline.” He glanced across the bar and noticed the bartender watching their table with interest. “Yeah, I’m not drinking this," he said flatly, setting it down on the table.

“Hey, it’s our friends!” someone call from the entrance, and he could tell by the giant smile that spread across Scott’s face that Jesse had just walked in. They were really too cute. Jesse clutched Tara’s hand and flounced over to the table, giving Darcy a brief hug, squeezing Charlie’s shoulder, and then dropping a quick kiss onto Scott’s pink cheek. 

“Hey babe,” Scott said, reaching for Jesse’s hand as they beamed at each other.

“Ugh, you two are so gross, ” Darcy said, walking over to Tara and giving her a long kiss on the mouth, dipping her back in a dramatic flourish.

“Darcy!” Tara squeaked, grabbing onto her shoulders as they stood back up. “You are so…” she trailed off, shaking her head and putting her hands to her cheeks, grinning. 

“Ugh, I’ve just now realized that I’m the fifth wheel tonight,” Charlie said, dropping his head onto his folded forearms on the table. Neither couple even noticed, too caught up in whispering excitedly to their partners. Charlie rolled his eyes and pulled out his phone, shooting off a text to Nick.

Charlie: Happy Friday! Have fun on your date tonight. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. xx

Whatever, if he was going to tell Nick how he felt eventually, might was well ease into it with flirty texts sent when he knew Nick was with Evan. ‘Sorry not sorry, mate,’ Charlie thought, grimly, the image of a floating, faceless nemesis skittering away at his warning.

“Who ya text-in’?” Darci sing-songed, looking over Charlie’s shoulder at his phone. He slipped his phone into his pocket quickly, keeping it out of her view.

“A friend of mine from college,” Charlie said, booping Darcy on the nose. 

“Does this friend happen to be…a boooyyyy?” she asked, swatting his hand away playfully.

“He is in fact male,” Charlie said. “Along with about 50% of the entire population.”

“And is he gayyyy? ” she asked, wiggling her shoulders.

“Darcy, sweetheart, chill out,” Tara said from next to her. “Sorry Charlie.” 

“It’s fine,” Charlie said with a roll of his eyes before he remembered one of the things he wanted to talk about. “Actually, you guys, he’s coming to town in a couple weeks and wants to go to the Indy 500, so I wanted to try and get a group together. Would you guys want to come with us? We could make it a whole thing.”

Everyone’s faces had a different reaction to Charlie’s question. Scott and Tara’s could be described as ‘uninterested’ and ‘absolutely not,’ while Jesse looked excited and Darcy looked like she’d just had the most genius (and evil) idea of her life.

“I love the Indy500!” Jesse said, clasping his hands at his heart. “I used to go every year as a kid!”

“Oh, we’re going to the Snake Pit,” Darcy said, rubbing her hands together menacingly. 

“I will only attend if we do not go to the Snake Pit,” Tara piped up, giving Darcy a stern look.

“I can agree to that plan,” Scott said. “But…I’m warning you guys now that I’m not dressing up.”

“Brilliant,” Charlie said. “We can meet at my house and bike to the speedway. I strongly encourage dressing up, but it is not required, and we will buy actual seats instead of the Snake Pit. I want us to make it out alive.”

Everyone nodded in agreement, excited about their plans. As they talked about their outfits and making sure the logistics were covered (‘Does everyone have a bike?’; ‘Babe, come shopping with me at Goodwill after this - I need to find a pair of jeans I can turn into jorts !’; ‘Will we be able to bring water and sunscreen if we bike there?'), Charlie felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. “Speak of the devil,” he muttered as he glanced at the screen.

Nick Nelson!: Thanks Charlie, you too! x

“Okay so he’s definitely gay then,” Darcy said as she read the message on the screen.

“ Darcy ,” Tara said, physically pulling Darcy away from where she’d hooked her chin on Charlie’s shoulder.

“Guys, please be nice to Nick when he’s here,” Charlie said, realizing that his Menace Squad could be quite menacing, especially when alcohol was involved.

“Why, Nick can’t hang?” Jesse asked, confused.

“Oh, Nick can hang , he’s just…” Charlie trailed off. How could he summarize what he was trying to say. “He’s a very good friend of mine and we’ve just gotten reconnected after a few years, so I don’t want to scare him off.”

“It’s really nice of him to come visit you,” Scott said encouragingly, and everyone around the table nodded. 

“We’ll show him a good time,” Tara agreed.

“But not too good of a time,” Charlie said, looking directly at Darcy. 

“Scout’s honor - I won’t embarrass you in front of your gay friend Nick,” Darcy said, holding her right hand across her heart solemnly.

“ Darcy!” came a chorus from the table.

Charlie got home a bit later, disappointed that he hadn’t heard from Nick since the generic text earlier in the day. ‘If he was just getting drinks with Evan, he should be home by now .’- Bad Charlie. ‘He’s allowed to get dinner after drinks,’   - Good Charlie. He wandered around his apartment, which was surprisingly empty, and settled onto the couch, flipping through the channels. The minutes ticked by, his mind spiraling each time he checked his phone and didn’t have any notifications. He even restarted it, in case maybe it had stopped working, but no, nothing. Nick was radio silent. It was 9:07, much earlier than his usual bedtime, when Charlie gave up and decided to go to turn in for the night. He’d somehow managed not to text Nick until this point, but couldn’t keep himself from shooting off a quick text before he turned out the light.

Charlie: How’d it go?

He slept fitfully, tossing and turning throughout the night, unable to find a comfortable position, vacillating between being too hot and too cold. When the sun finally peeked through the gauzy white curtains that covered his bedroom window, he shot out of bed and went straight to his phone. Finally , something.

Nick Nelson!: Great! 

Charlie checked the time stamp. It was sent at 5:30am that morning. Fuck.

Chapter Text

Chapter Thirteen

The weekend passed uneventfully. Charlie was moody on Saturday, running dozens of iterations that Nick’s date with Evan could have taken. Maybe it really was just drinks and Nick’s phone died. Maybe they’d progressed from drinks to dinner to Nick’s apartment to Nick’s bed . Maybe they broke up. Maybe they decided to move in together . Maybe they had mutual friends who they met up with, which was honestly one of the more stressful versions because meeting the friends conveyed a level of connectedness that made Charlie’s stomach clench. 

While his brain thrummed with progressively more chaotic scenarios, Charlie worked hard to maintain a placid facade. He didn’t ask Nick any further questions about his date, and in what was probably an act of kindness, Nick didn’t mention it either. Instead, they had a FaceTime call to finalize their grant application, which was due on Monday. Nick had gotten the CEO to sign off on the proposal in the case that they were awarded the grant, which included accepting Sophie into the program and allowing Nick two days a week to work on developing the program with Charlie for a month. On his side, Charlie had a meeting with Carmen on Monday morning to review the application for her approval and to incorporate any feedback she might have. 

Carmen breezed into his office at 9am, bringing him his favorite lemon blueberry scone from the coffee shop around the corner - seriously, how was she so competent at her job?

“Alright, how’s my rising-star doing this morning?” she asked, handing him the scone and an iced coffee. She was wearing a floor length pleated teal skirt, made with multiple gauzy layers cut at different angles, gold ballet flats, a white button up shirt, and a teal, red, and white zebra print scarf tied jauntily around her neck. Again: she’s a character .

“I’m alright, Carmen,” Charlie said, thanking her for the scone and taking a quick bite. “I have to hand it to you - even if I don’t get the grant, the process of working on it has really helped me think differently about the scope of my role here. There are so many ways I could think outside the box in the future.” 

Carmen beamed at him. “This is why you’re going to be a part of my team for as long as I can keep you,” she said with a decisive nod. “I knew from the moment I met you that you had that perfect mix of brains and grit to do great things.” Charlie blushed at the compliment and pushed the printed application across his desk to her.

“This is what I’ve got so far. It’s due by 5pm today and my corollary at the Habitat for Humanity Philadelphia chapter and I feel pretty solid about it. But I wanted to see if you had any suggestions before I submit it?” 

“Of course,” she said, picking up the carefully stapled packet and bringing her glasses to the tip of her nose. Charlie took a bite of the scone, melting lemon and butter dancing on his tongue, while he watched Carmen’s read through his application. She nodded at one point, grabbing a pen and scratching a few words in the margins. A frown followed and she flipped back a couple of pages to re-read something. Charlie nervously tapped out a beat on his thighs under the desk, waiting for her feedback. She finally set the papers back on his desk and pushed her glasses back into their normal spot.

“Strong start, Charlie,” she said. His heart dropped a bit. Strong start ? It was due in a few hours. Visions of typing manically into his computer to beat the deadline danced behind his eyes. “I wonder if the application would read better if you emphasized a bit more about Sophie’s role in it all. You mention on page three that you have a student attending the camp as a sort of test-case, but perhaps, as the sponsor of the program and her guidance counselor, you should consider attending the camp as well, in person?” Charlie’s eyes shot up to look at Carmen as she spoke, a jolt of adrenaline coursing through him. Hell yes he would consider spending a week in Philly with Carpenter Nick. And he’d get paid for it? He was honestly embarrassed that it hadn’t been the first thing he thought about when he and Nick began working on it together. He realized that Carmen was still talking and tried his best to switch his focus back to what she was saying.

“– you’d have a similar starting point, you know. Shared experiences, develop a vocabulary around the ongoing program development?” Carmen tapped her pen against the desk a couple of times, looking at Charlie expectantly as he struggled to scrub visions of Nick wearing a toolbelt out of his mind.  

“Oh, that’s an interesting idea,” he said finally, trying to keep his voice level. Carmen scooted her chair behind Charlie’s desk and the two of them worked side-by-side, fleshing out the idea of Charlie participating in camp week as an actual attendee instead of as the grant co-author. The more they worked on it, the more he realized that it was actually an obvious idea that he should have thought of long before the day the application was due. In fact…his stomach swooped when a new thought crossed his mind, and his fingers froze where they hovered above his keyboard, his eyes glassing over as he sat motionless.

“Charlie, everything okay?” Carmen asked, looking at him curiously. 

“Uhh…I’m just thinking…” he said, licking his lips and swallowing, his throat suddenly dry. “Do you think it would help our chances of getting the grant if I spent the entire month in Philadelphia? To work directly with their team instead of having virtual meetings a few times a week? I could really immerse myself in their organization and craft this program with them, instead of for them, you know?” He looked up nervously to meet Carmen’s eyes and could feel his heart rate increase in anticipation of her response. 

Carmen cocked her head to the side and observed him, her eyes narrowed in thought. “Well, yes, of course, that would absolutely make this a stronger application,” she said, as if it was obvious. “I assumed you wouldn’t be interested in leaving things here for an entire month or I would’ve suggested that from the outset.”

“Oh,” Charlie said, feeling light-headed at the prospect of an entire month in Philly over the summer. “I-I could definitely float it,” he said. “I have a roommate so I wouldn’t have to…you know. Leave my apartment sitting empty. And I, uh..I didn’t have any… real plans over the summer that would keep me here. Plus, my sister lives out there…” he trailed off, feeling his cheeks warming up as visions floated across his mind - sunny day trips to the shore, late-night bar hopping on South Street, weekly pub trivia, cozy dinners with Michael and Tori, record store trips with Tao…and Nick was next to him in each one.

“Well, I think if it’s something you could figure out before it’s due today, it would be a great addition to the application,” Carmen said with finality, standing up and maneuvering out from behind Charlie’s desk. “I’ll leave you to it, but know you have my full support and backing on this, and whether we get the grant or not, there are ideas that have come out of this process that I think I could get the school board to sign off on. Good work Charlie - keep me updated!” She waltzed out of his office, and Charlie scrambled after her, shutting the door behind her. He pulled out his phone and immediately FaceTimed Nick. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” Nick asked when he answered a few rings later, his eyebrows creased in worry. His cheeks were flushed, sweaty hair matted down against his forehead, and Charlie could see his bare shoulders in the frame, freckles leaping out against his tan skin.

“Oh shit, sorry, am I interrupting something?” Charlie asked, covering his eyes with his hand, his stomach dropping at the absurd thought that Nick might be in a compromising position with Evan.

“Huh? No, I’m at work…?” Nick said, a hint of confusion in his voice. “Charlie, it’s like, 10am on Monday. Are you okay?” 

“Oh, right! I forgot you just…walk around looking like that at your job, ” Charlie said, relieved. “Though how any one is supposed to get work done when you’re around I’ll never know,” he muttered.

“What’s that Charlie? It’s kind of loud here,” Nick said, stepping out into the sunlight from wherever he had been before.

“Nothing, nothing,” Charlie said, his eyes sweeping over Nick’s face, completely forgetting why he had called.

“Charlie,” Nick said slowly. “I’m at work right now, in the middle of framing - did you need something?” The whiplash of Shirtless Hot Carpenter Nick and the intrusive thought about Evan started to fade, finally, and Charlie’s brain stuttered back online. Why had he called Nick, anyway?

“OH!” Charlie yelped, jumping up. “Yes! I did need something! Sorry, I got… very sidetracked when you answered the phone like that.”

A smirk danced across Nick’s face when he finally understood what was happening. “God Charlie, you’re a disaster,” he said, rolling his eyes fondly. 

“Okay, but seriously, I do have something semi-urgent I need to run by you that came out of my meeting with Carmen just now about our grant application. Do you have a sec?” Charlie was practically vibrating at this point, pacing back and forth impatiently in his office. Nick glanced over his shoulder, checking to make sure everything was under control, and then nodded, walking away from the skeleton of a house behind him. 

“Alright,” he said a few seconds later, settling into a quiet spot with a tree trunk against his back. “What’s up?”

“Carmen thinks I should come to Philly with Sophie and go through the camp as a participant so I can experience it fully,” Charlie rushed out, scanning Nick’s face for his reaction. His attention was rewarded when Nick’s eyebrows shot into his sweaty hairline and the biggest grin overtook his face - he looked like a little kid, full of uncomplicated joy.

“Yes!” he shouted out, wide-eyed and happy. “Why didn’t we think of that?” 

“Okay but wait, there’s more,” Charlie said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Nick scrambled up from where he was sitting, bringing the phone close to his face, nodding excitedly. “I one-upped her and suggested I just stay in Philly for the whole month .” 

Nick’s grin stayed plastered to his face, but Charlie saw the tiniest hint of hesitation flit across his eyes. “Oh wow !” he said, recovering quickly. 

“What,” Charlie demanded. “I saw a look of something on your face. Should I not stay for a month?” His heart squeezed; was Evan the reason Nick didn’t want him around?

“No, no, nothing!” Nick said, shaking his head quickly. “I just…didn’t see that coming. My brain had to like, process for a second. Are you kidding? You, in Philly, for a month? Working with me , while I’m like this?” Nick gestured at his torso and face, wiggling his eyebrows. “It’s going to be a goldmine of blackmail content.”

“Haha,” Charlie responded flatly. “I can handle myself just fine, Nick. I was just caught off guard when you answered the phone like that, that’s all. Plus, I’ll be Work Charlie all day every day, so we’ll see who ends up with more blackmail.”

“Oh god,” Nick groaned, resting his head back against his tree. “You’re going to kill me.” 

“Sounds like a challenge,” Charlie said with a grin.

“Charlie, it’s my workplace ,” Nick said with a laugh. “No funny business. I have a reputation to uphold.”

“Okay, but for real, Nick, are you sure it would be okay with you if I ended up like, not just being in Philly for a month where we meet up for drinks here and there, but like working with you day in and day out? I’ll meet all your work friends, and your bosses . And…maybe Evan?” Charlie asked, hating himself for bringing Evan up after they had wordlessly agreed not to mention him. Somehow, as he spoke to Nick about the potential for a longer visit, the weight of the implications seemed scarier than they did when he originally thought of the idea. He felt strangely insecure, like he was asking for permission to cross an imaginary line.

“Hey,” Nick said, a hint of warning in his voice. “Just…one day at a time. See if we get the grant before you get all in your head about everything.” 

“Okay, but, are you really sure– ”  

“Charlie, yes . Getting to hang out with you for a month - at work and outside of work and…any other ways that are possible - would be amazing ,” Nick said earnestly, leaving no room for misinterpretation in his answer. “I always want you around, even if it means my boss ends up liking you more than she likes me, which we both know is what will happen.”

Charlie laughed weakly, appreciative that even when they were teasing each other, Nick was always quick to affirm Charlie when he expressed vulnerability. ‘ God I’m so gone,’ he thought to himself. 

“Okay, thanks Nick. I’m going to go revise this application then. Talk to you later.”

“Bye Char,” he said, disconnecting the call as he headed back to his job site.

_____________

The next few weeks flew by in a whirlwind of college acceptance letters, giggling during late night FaceTime conversations in the blue light of his bedroom, and after work drinks with the Menace Squad. Before they knew it, Nick was en route to Indianapolis. He left on a Thursday after work with plans to stop overnight in a random small town along the way like Wheeling or New Stanton, and arrive in Indianapolis midday Friday. He’d even convinced his supervisors that Friday was a work day by arranging a meeting with Amber, Sophie, and Charlie at Northview Prep to discuss the summer camp program. “Which, by the way, is another reason I think you’re holding out on me and you’re actually kind of a big deal at work,” Charlie teased when Nick mentioned it. His blushing dismissal of the compliment just proved it.

“Remind me what we’re doing this weekend with Nick,” Isaac asked on Thursday night, as Charlie checked his phone for the twentieth time to see if Nick had stopped for the night. 

“You, me, and Nick are going out to dinner on Friday night after he gets settled, and then Saturday I’m taking him on a tour around the city - biking up the Monon, brewery hopping, you know, hitting the high notes. And Sunday is race day, so everyone is meeting here to get ready and eat greasy breakfast food before we bike over. And then that night I figured we’ll all be so hot and tired after the race, I thought we could just like, order in and chill out before he leaves on Monday morning.”

“Sounds lovely,” Isaac said with a smile. “Do you…need me to make myself scarce at any point? Should we have a code word?”

“ No , Isaac, this is your apartment. And no, there’s no need. I’m not even sure if I’m going to tell him; I’ve decided to Play It By Ear,” Charlie said with a grin and his signature jazz hands.

“Permission to meddle then?” Isaac asked, raising his hand in the air as if he was in a classroom. “I’m just desperate to force the conversation and then slip out the back and leave you to it.”

“Hah, like you would wait for permission,” Charlie scoffed. “ I know what I’m getting myself into with you around. Poor Nick though…”

“I believe he clocked me as a menace within a few minutes of meeting me,” Isaac said. “He’s a big boy; he can handle it.” 

“I guess we’ll find out,” Charlie said dubiously. Isaac assessed him thoughtfully from his spot on the couch, tapping his finger against his lips a few times as he observed Charlie picking at his fingernails.

“Alright, how are you really feeling, then?” he asked eventually. Charlie let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding and looked up to meet Isaac’s eyes.

“Nervous as fuck ,” he said shakily. “I know it’s just Nick, and we’ve been talking nonstop since we got back in touch with each other, but so much has changed for me, like, mentally since I saw him last.”

“Ah, I’m sure you’ll figure it out pretty quick,” Isaac said, moving to stand up. “Let’s call it a night - you have a big weekend ahead and I need my beauty rest.”

Charlie changed into a sleep shirt and shorts, washed his face, and climbed into bed, shooting off a quick text before he turned out the light.

Charlie: Hope it’s been a good drive so far! I’m calling it a night - be safe! xx

Nick Nelson!: Literally just pulled into the parking lot at this very random hotel called the Sleep Zone?! Wish me luck, and see you TOMORROW! xxxxx

_____________

In a wild twist of fate, Charlie’s work email pinged with an email from the Cambridge Society, informing him that he had been selected as one of the five DeCamp Fellows mere minutes before Nick was set to arrive. He quickly forwarded the notification letter to Carmen with a line of exclamation points in the subject, and then jogged toward the back of the school where he had instructed Nick to park. As he waited for the old blue Buick to round the corner, Charlie considered how to break the news that they’d be spending a lot of time together over the summer. Ideally, as was always his goal, he would try to play it cool: maybe he’d drop it into conversation during the meeting with Amber and Sophie, watching with delight as everyone squealed in excitement. Or, he could casually ask Isaac at dinner if he wanted to sublet Charlie’s room since he’d be gone for a month in the summer and see how long it took for Nick to get it. He could even mark the email as unread and pretend that they had found out together. His absurd musings were halted abruptly when he spotted Nick pulling carefully into one of the marked visitor’s parking spots. All intentions of maintaining a shred of composure flew out the window as his body literally took over his brain, and he found himself prancing across the street with a giant grin plastered across his face.

“Hot Boy Suuuum-mmer!” he crowed when Nick stood from the driver’s side door, leaping into his arms with the full belief that Nick would catch him. Luckily, Nick was strong and had fast reflexes, and his arms immediately wrapped around Charlie’s middle, lifting him off the ground into a crushing hug. They buried their faces into each other’s necks, Nick rocking them from side to side, before separating with huge smiles. 

“Hot Boy Summer? What’s that?” Nick said, laughter in his voice.

“It means we got the fucking grant Nick!” Charlie said, his mouth gaping open with delight.

“We did!? ” he asked, mirroring Charlie’s excited face. “When did you find out?”

“Literally two minutes ago , they just emailed me.” 

“That’s amazing , Charlie!” Nick said, grabbing at him and pulling him into another tight hug. “ You’re amazing,” he whispered into Charlie’s ear, his hot breath tickling and sending a shiver down Charlie’s spine despite the balmy 75 degree weather. Charlie buried his nose into Nick’s neck and inhaled deeply, not even trying to hide it.

“You smell like…” he stepped back a bit to look in Nick’s eyes, but kept his hands linked behind his shoulders, delighted that Nick kept his hands hooked loosely around his waist. 

“Like what,” Nick said, his grin faltering for the first time since he arrived. Charlie raised his eyebrows a couple of times with an impish grin.

“Hold on, let me check again,” he said, pressing his nose into Nick’s neck on the other side and taking a comically large sniff. “Yeah, it’s what I thought: like you’ve been in the car for six hours straight, eating…is it Cheetos?” 

Nick hummed and tapped Charlie on the nose a couple of times. “You need to work on your sniffer,” he said, finally dropping his arms and stepping back to a more appropriate distance. “It’s Sun Chips, and it was only five hours.”

“Ah, you got me,” Charlie said with a shrug. “So how was your drive? Need the restroom or anything? Want to change before we head inside?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll freshen up when we get back to your place,” he said, waving his hand in the air and dismissing Charlie’s suggestion. “Let’s knock out this meeting and then get to the fun stuff.”

The meeting with Amber and Sophie turned into a mini celebration when Charlie shared the news that their grant had been approved, Sophie surprising everyone by bursting into tears and thanking Charlie profusely for believing in her.The four of them spent a solid hour and a half detailing their goals for the program, including Charlie’s thoughts about how he and Sophie could continue to work with Amber over the summer after they returned home. Nick shared information about their housing for the week of camp (the dorm rooms at Temple University, a few minutes away from where the build would be), and confirmed grimly to Charlie that he would have to stay in a dorm room, at least for that week, to get the full experience. The meeting ended with the four of them sharing cell phone numbers and creating a group chat to keep in touch about questions and ideas that would certainly arise over the next few weeks. 

“God, I can’t wait to get you back to my place,” Charlie said as he and Nick walked out to the parking lot after the school day ended. As soon as he said it, he realized how it sounded and felt a blush rising on his cheeks. “I mean, I can’t wait to get back to my house, not like, to get you back to my house. Basically, I just. I’m … I want to go home. Shut up.”

“Wow, you are really smooth , ” Nick teased. “But honestly, I can’t wait for you to get me to your place too. I need a shower.”

“Alright then, follow me.” The two men got into their cars and navigated the short drive to Charlie’s apartment. Nick unloaded his suitcase and looked around in awe when he stepped into Charlie’s apartment. 

“Your apartment is so cool ,” he said, walking over to the bookshelf nestled into a corner, picking up a framed photo of Charlie and Tori when they were kids and peering at it closely. “Arranged by color,” he noted with a satisfied nod, surveying the bookshelf after he set the photo down. He turned in a wide circle, taking it all in, and Charlie felt a fresh batch of nervous energy overtake him. Seeing Nick in his space, that he’d carefully curated away from the eyes of anyone who knew him when he was younger, felt like being newly exposed - like a rock being plucked off the forest floor, revealing an entirely new layer of life previously unseen. What if Nick thought his decor was cliche? What if he didn’t like how brightly colored the throw pillows were? Nick completed a full circle and turned to look at Charlie, beaming. “This apartment is so you.”

“Is it?” Charlie asked nervously. “It’s just a two bedroom…” He gestured lamely toward the bedrooms.

“No, I can see you all over it,” Nick said, nodding encouragingly. “You’ve always loved this color,” he said, running his fingers across the sienna throw on the back of the couch as he walked by. “You have pottery in the corner, probably made by a local artist.” He walked over to the TV stand and squatted down to pick up the heavy terra cotta vase, tapping the bottom a couple of times where the artist had engraved her name. “See? I knew it.” He crossed the living area and walked over to the dining room. “You have a bowl of lemons on your table, Char - that’s incredible.” Charlie huffed out an embarrassed laugh.

“Okay Nick, now you’re just making fun of me,” he deflected.

“I’m not! I bet, if I open these curtains and look in your backyard, you have, like, mosaic stepping stones leading to patio furniture and a little fire pit with fairy lights overhead.” Nick pulled back the curtain and peered through the window. “Ugh, of course it’s even better than that,” he groaned in dismay. He turned back around and smiled at Charlie, who was standing nervously in the middle of the dining room, his hands resting gently on the table. “You’ve always been so much cooler than me,” Nick said, his voice a bit breathy. “And it smells like you in here, too.”

“Better than Sun Chips I hope?” Charlie asked, taking a step closer to Nick, drawn to him like the moths that gathered under his porch light in the summer. Nick met his eyes with a lopsided grin.

“It’s like…like…some kind of citrus mixed with a layer of..maybe…old books?” he said, sniffing the air.

“Hah!” Charlie barked out in a laugh. “Exactly what I’ve always wanted a hot boy to tell me - ‘you smell like old books.’”

“I love this smell, Charlie. It reminds me of like,...late nights studying with you in the library. It reminds me of walking across campus in the dark. It reminds me of sitting in your dorm room and talking for hours about nothing. It…it’s all good memories,” he finished, and Charlie noticed a splotch of pink rising on his cheeks, his voice a couple notes deeper than usual.

“You’re so…” Charlie started, looking at him in wonder. 

“So what?” 

“So earnest ,” Charlie said, realizing now that he and Nick were almost touching after drifting toward each other throughout the conversation. ‘What would happen if I reached out?’

“Maybe, I guess so. I’m just having, like, an out of body experience being here with you right now,” Nick confessed. “I…I never thought I’d be here.” 

Acting on instinct instead of rational thought, Charlie’s hand reached in between their bodies and he hooked his pointer finger around Nick’s, giving it a little squeeze. Nick’s eyes flicked down to see where their fingers were clasped and then he smiled back up at Charlie. “I’m really glad you’re here, Nick. I didn’t think you’d ever be here either.” Nick squeezed his finger back and they both took simultaneous inhales.

“Oh good, I love interrupting obviously platonic moments,” Isaac said dryly from across the apartment as he walked into the living room, taking in the scene in front of him. The two men stepped back from each other and unhooked their fingers, glancing over at Isaac guiltily.

“I didn’t know you were home,” Charlie said shakily. 

“I’m always home,” Isaac replied. “We’re still going out tonight, right? Am I going to be the third wheel?”

“ No, ” Charlie said purposefully. “We’re just…” he glanced over at Nick who was smiling back at him softly. “Happy that we got here.”

“Yeah,” he echoed. “We’re just a bit in our feelings.” 

“Literally everything you just said confirms that I should stay home tonight,” Isaac quipped. “By the way, hi Toothbrush Nick, good to see you again.” 

“Yeah!” Nick said brightly, snapping out of the sappy moment. “What’s it been, six, seven years or something?”

“Try nine - aside from the one visit when Charlie was a freshman I don’t think we’ve actually seen each other.” 

“Oh wow, that was so long ago!” Nick said, shaking his head, crossing the room and giving Isaac a quick squeeze. 

“Oof, okay, still a hugger I see,” Isaac said, taking an uneven step back after the hug.

“Okay,” Charlie said, clapping his hands together, ready to move onto the rest of the evening. “Nick needs a shower and I need a drink! Let’s get moving, people!”

__________

Isaac, Nick, and Charlie settled around the dark wooden table at Bluebeard, one of Charlie’s favorite places in town. Nick took in the decor, wide-eyed, noticing the wall of antique books, cozy booths, warm lighting reflecting in his eyes and making the shadows of his eyelashes long across his cheeks. They had already made their way through a charcuterie board, entrees, and two bottles of wine, the alcohol casting the dim restaurant in a syrupy, slow-motion glow.

“So, how did you end up as a carpenter, Nick?” Isaac asked languidly, plucking an olive off of the charcuterie board and popping it into his mouth. Charlie turned to look at Nick curiously, realizing he didn’t know the answer either. Nick’s cheeks were pink from the wine, his freckles popping under the soft lighting creating an intricate pattern across the bridge of his nose. 

“Oh, yeah,” Nick said slowly, and Charlie held back a smile at the way his voice had gotten softer around the edges the more wine he drank. “Well, to be honest…I had a rough year or two a few years back,” he started, and Charlie noticed the tiniest flick of his eyes in Charlie’s direction when he said it. He could tell that Isaac caught the subtext too - they all knew what Nick was talking about. Again, Charlie’s body reacted of its own accord and he scooted closer in the booth and tucked his hand between Nick’s ribs and his arm, giving his bicep a gentle squeeze of acknowledgement and encouragement. He kept it there, heat radiating from where Nick’s body enveloped his hand, as he continued with the story. “So I started therapy, and my therapist suggested all of these ways I could try to get out of my head and into my body. And at first it was like, working out, or jogging, or like, sculpting classes. And I tried them all,” he said with a chuckle, tracing a lazy pattern across the table with his pointer finger as he spoke. Charlie squeezed again. Nick dropped his other hand onto Charlie’s knee and squeezed back.

“Uh-huh,” Isaac said, perceiving the slight changes in body language between Nick and Charlie but graciously ignoring it.

“Eventually I was spending, like, all of my free time obsessing over ‘being in my body’ so I could shut up my mind, that I realized that there are jobs I could do that would provide that. And I had just also met this girl through my roommate who worked at Habitat, and…yeah. One thing led to another and that’s how I became a carpenter.”

The story hung over the table. Imagining Nick trying every thing to keep his head above water made Charlie deeply sad, even though they had both apologized and forgiven each other multiple times by now. Charlie noticed a lock of hair that had fallen into Nick’s eyes, tangled in his light eyelashes. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, biting nervously - he felt compelled to reach his hand out and brush the hair away, to tuck it behind Nick’s ear. ‘To hell with it; we’re already cuddling,’ he decided. Nick’s eyes fluttered closed at the contact and Charlie’s hands were shaking when he returned them to his lap. 

They had touched each other like this before, dozens of times - Nick had always been tactile and Charlie happily indulged in the bits of physical affection they exchanged over the years. Maybe it was their reunion - which he still sometimes couldn’t believe had actually happened -, or the wine, or the internal acknowledgement of what he actually wanted, but this time, Charlie felt like his veins were on fire. He felt like his entire body was pulsing from the inside out. He pressed his eyes closed for a moment, trying to get himself under control. Nick squeezed his knee again, rubbing his thumb back and forth along the seam on Charlie’s jeans. Acknowledgement and encouragement.

“Yeah, I think this is my cue,” Isaac said finally, looking pointedly at Nick and Charlie on the other side of the booth. “Platonic my ass.” 

“Sorry, sorry,” Nick said with a blush, taking his hand off of Charlie’s knee with a final squeeze and scooting over slightly. “I get kind of handsy when I drink wine. And sleepy, apparently,” he added, as a yawn overtook him.

“We can head back, it’s been a long day,” Charlie said, trying not to be too put out by Isaac’s abrupt ending of their cuddlefest.  

When they arrived back at the apartment, Isaac said goodnight and headed into his room, throwing a quick wink in Charlie’s direction as he walked by, which Charlie returned by sticking out his tongue. He got to work, helping Nick make the couch into as comfortable of a bed as they could manage, slipping a sheet onto the cushions and piling the top with blankets and pillows. They stood next to the couch, surveying their work.

“This’ll do,” Nick said, giving a satisfied nod. 

“Sorry I don’t have a real bed for you. I’d offer for you to take mine but I know what you’d say,” Charlie said.

“ No son of mine sleeps in a bed when someone is on a couch ,” they said in unison, giggling.

“God, I miss Sarah Nelson,” Charlie said, trailing off. “I haven’t seen her in way too long.” 

“We’ll plan a visit over the summer,” Nick answered easily, as if it was the most normal thing in the world for friends to do. “She’s desperate to see you again.”

Charlie’s face burned at the compliment, imagining Nick and Sarah snuggled up in her living room, drinking hot tea and talking about him. “Well, thanks for driving all the way out here to see me,” Charlie said lamely.

“I’m really happy to be here, Char,” Nick said with an open smile, bending down to pull back some of the blankets on the couch. 

“Yeah,” Charlie said, suddenly anxious again. “I’ll just…go to my room now.” Nick could sense the nerves and straightened back up again, opening his arms. Acknowledgement and encouragement. Charlie grinned and stepped into Nick’s embrace, feeling his strong arms snake around his waist. He found himself taking another deep inhale and giggled when Nick mimicked him, burying his nose into the spot behind his ear.

“Old books,” he whispered. 

“Sun Chips,” Charlie responded.

“Hey, that’s not true anymore,” Nick laughed playfully, tickling Charlie’s sides lightly.

“Haha, you’re right. It’s…maybe it’s more like sunshine .” 

“I’ll take that,” Nick beamed at him. Charlie pulled him back into the hug, pressing his entire body into Nick’s, and was rewarded by Nick’s arms locking firmly behind his waist. The silence around them stretched out as they breathed together, their bodies so close that they were drawn closer together with each exhale and further apart with each inhale, a slow dance powered by their breath. 

“Nick,” Charlie whispered, quietly into Nick’s ear, unsure of what he wanted to say. Nick hesitated, waiting for Charlie to finish his thought, but eventually recognized that nothing more was coming.

“I know, Char,” he whispered back, squeezing a bit tighter before stepping away. His cheeks were splotchy, his eyes dark. “Goodnight.”

______________

Charlie’s mind raced all night. ‘ I know, Char. I know, Char. I know, Char,’ played on a loop through his mind, interrupting his dreams, rising to the surface of his sleepy thoughts with each moment of awakening throughout the night. Something had changed; he could feel it. If he let his heart lead, he would be certain that Nick liked him. But if he let his brain be involved, he could reason his way through every small moment and shared smile: “I know, Char,” was a statement of sympathy, Nick’s way of telling Charlie he understood how he was feeling and was sorry that it was difficult. The hugs, the squeezes of knees and brushes of fingertips, was a calming recognition of Charlie’s nervous energy, not reciprocated feelings. And then there was Evan, who hadn’t been mentioned, but who still loomed large in Charlie’s psyche, mocking him for thinking he had a chance. Why hadn’t Nick mentioned him? Again, Charlie could interpret it in two opposing ways: on the one hand, maybe Evan was out of the picture and had been such a blip in his life that Nick hadn’t even considered updating Charlie, which, if that was truly the case: rude . On the other hand, maybe Nick was waiting for a moment to sit Charlie down and solemnly tell him that he had news . It would be devastating, so Nick was waiting for the right time to do it. The ghost of Evan either meant nothing or every thing.

Charlie’s churning brain eventually quieted as he and Nick prepared for their outing on Saturday. It was hard to be completely lost in his thoughts with Nick’s amazed responses to everything playing out right in front of him. 

“Wow, look at this bike trail - it’s really incredible that it goes right through the city!” on their ride up the Monon to get lunch at Public Greens. 

“Whoa, that’s so cool that there’s a garden right across from this place. Look! She’s picking mint right now for my salad!” during lunch.

“Wait a minute, is that an ice cream shop in an old abandoned rail car?!” on their stroll along the White River. 

“This beer is fantastic, I can really taste the barrel-aging!” at Sun King Brewing.

Despite his brain’s best intentions to be mercurial and angsty about the ambiguous status of their relationship, Charlie cheeks ached from the grin that was plastered across his face throughout the day. By the time they reached their final destination that evening, an open, airy and bright cider bar, flags representing different segments of the LGBT+ community draped from each of the giant windows, a flight of ten different flavors between the two of them, Charlie had completely forgotten his restless night. They munched on spicy corn fritters with cilantro sauce and sipped on raspberry and lemon and blueberry and lavender ciders, their lips stained dark pink.

“Honestly Char, Indianapolis is way cooler than I imagined,” Nick confessed, washing down a bite of his Cuban sandwich with a swig of tart cherry cider.

Charlie hummed in acknowledgement, smiling at the way Nick’s face had grown more relaxed with the steady flow of alcohol during their afternoon tasting tours. It was a good thing they were on bikes. “Whoa there, big guy,” Charlie said as Nick reached for another tasting glass of cider, prying it from Nick’s fingers before he could knock it back.

“Oh come on, Char, live a little! It’s Saturday! We’re on bikes! In Indiana! ” Nick said, throwing his arms out to his side and grinning at the bartender across the room, who was watching him with a careful eye.

“I’ve let this go way too far,” Charlie muttered, realizing just how drunk Nick was. 

“Honestly, you have. Getting me drunk on cider ? What am I, 19 year old Elle Argent?” Nick asked with a giggle. Charlie guffawed at the memory of Elle drinking four ciders in a row their sophomore year and then sloppily telling Tao that she loved him for the first time in front of their entire friend group during an otherwise somber viewing of Donnie Darko . 

“Oh my god,” Charlie said, giggling into his hand uncontrollably at the memory. Okay, maybe he was a little drunk too. 

They biked home carefully, taking side streets and bike paths. When they got back to Charlie’s apartment, Nick found note from Isaac on the kitchen counter:

Out with work friends - be back late. Don’t eat my leftover noodles! xxx

“Wanna watch a movie?” Charlie asked, lowering himself onto the couch. 

“ Yes,” Nick answered seriously, as if he’d been waiting his whole life for that question. He flopped down, stretching across the couch, and dropped his head onto Charlie’s lap, his ankles crossed and dangling on the opposite arm.

“Oh, I see,” Charlie said with a tease, settling in and grabbing a remote. “You just wanted a cuddle.”

“So what if I did,” Nick said, squirming a little to get comfortable and pulling a blanket over himself. Unsure of what else to do with his arms, Charlie rested his hands on Nick’s shoulder, laying his head back against the couch cushions. “You’re comfier than you look,” Nick said lazily, sneaking his fingers in between Charlie’s knees and sighing contentedly. Charlie’s tried to control his heart rate as the movie started and he felt Nick’s hot breath seeping through his jeans where his cheek rested on his thigh. 

“You’re drunk,” Charlie said lightly, running his hand across Nick’s shoulder, finding a steady rhythm. 

“Maybe,” Nick responded sleepily, “but I know what I’m doing,” he trailed off. Charlie’s breath stuttered, uncertainly. What did Nick think he was doing? Charlie ran his hands lightly over Nick’s shoulder, hypnotically, his eyes unseeing. Nick squeezed his knee and burrowed his head deeper into his lap, sending electrical currents zipping through Charlie’s stomach.

“You’re trying to kill me,” Charlie whispered, hoping Nick couldn’t hear. He moved his hand from Nick’s shoulder and slid his fingers into his hair, running his fingertips across his scalp slowly, deliberately. He felt Nick’s breath hitch in his chest and then start again; a tiny puff of air, the breathiest whispered moan.

“Is it working?” came Nick’s mumbled reply after so long, Charlie wasn’t sure at first what he was talking about. He kept his fingers running through Nick’s hair, tracing gently over the curve of his ear, the arch of his eyebrow, down to the nape of his neck, watching as Nick’s breath evened out and his eyes fluttered closed.

“This is not platonic behavior! ” Isaac’s voice hissed, startling Charlie awake. He looked down, where his hands were still tangled in Nick’s silky strands, and noticed that Nick had adjusted so that his arms were wrapped fully around Charlie’s thighs, as if Charlie was a raft in the middle of the open sea.

“Oh god,” Charlie said, realizing how stiff his neck was as he started to wake up.

“Seriously, Charlie, what is the deal? Have you even asked him about Evan yet?” Isaac demanded. 

“No, jeez Issac, it’s not that deep, we just fell asleep after day drinking,” Charlie said, rubbing his eyes as he tried to sit up. 

“You need to grow a pair,” Isaac said, stabbing his pointer finger into Charlie’s face. “Don’t fuck it up.” He disappeared into his bedroom and shut the door. Charlie glanced down at Nick’s face, slack from sleep, and tried to extricate himself from Nick’s grasp. He slid a throw pillow under Nick’s head and gently laid a blanket over his still form, tiptoeing quietly toward his room. 

“You do need to grow a pair,” Nick sleepy voice called into the darkness, just as Charlie’s door clicked shut. 

____________

“I brought VOD-KA!” Darcy’s voice rang out as she stepped into Charlie’s apartment the next morning, pulling Tara in by the hand behind her.

“Hiya Charlie, hey Isaac! And you must be Nick?” Tara said, taking in the scene in front of her. Charlie was behind the stove, scrambling at least two dozen eggs in a giant frying pan. Nick was crouched next to him, peering through the oven door, watching carefully as his scones baked. Isaac flitted about, setting the table with paper plates and plastic cups, getting ready for the influx of hungry friends.

“Tara, Darcy, hi!” Charlie said, jumping out from behind the stove and giving them both quick hugs. “This is my friend Nick,” he said, gesturing behind him, where Nick stood, wiping his hands on his apron.

“Hey,” Nick greeted, “nice to meet you.”

Darcy looked him up and down. “The journey my brain is going on right now,” she started, narrowing her eyes as she assessed him. Charlie noticed Tara take a heavy sigh next to her. “I was sure you were gay, but then I saw you and I thought, ‘No, total heterosexual’. But then, the apron says otherwise. Let me guess…bisexual?”

Nick looked over his shoulder, his eyes connecting with Charlie’s uncertainly, and he let out a nervous laugh. “W-what?” His hand went up and rubbed his neck instinctively. 

“Darcy that is inappropriate,” Tara said through clenched teeth.

“I need to know what I’m working with here!” Darcy defended. Nick was still frozen to the spot, watching the girls argue like he was at a tennis match, when Charlie slid his arm around his shoulders and squeezed.

“Nick is in charge of his own journey,” he said, sticking his tongue out at Darcy.

“Okay, okay, geez,” Darcy said, shrinking back a bit and grabbing for Tara’s hand.

“Sorry, I’m just – are you asking if I’m bisexual?” Nick finally asked. Tara put her hands out in front of her, shaking her head, telling Nick silently that he didn’t have to respond, while Darcy nodded vigorously next to her.

“Ding dong!” Jesse said, poking his head through the apartment door. “Can we come in?”

“Hi! Yes of course,” Charlie said, pulling the door open and gesturing Scott and Jesse inside. 

“Otis was just behind us,” Scott said. Soon, the entire Menace Squad was gathered in the living room as Charlie did introductions.

“You’ve already met these two,” he said, gesturing to Tara and Darcy. “This is Otis, mine and Tara’s friend from grad school. This is Scott, mine and Darcy’s coworker, and this is Jesse, Scott’s…date?”

“Boyfriend,” Jesse cut in with a wink.

“Oooh, it’s official, people!” Darcy said loudly, raising a glass of something into the air and taking a swig.

“ That’s Scott?” Nick whispered into Charlie’s ear as the crowd dispersed and started filling their plates with cheesy eggs, hash browns, and various baked goods. 

“Yes?” Charlie answered, looking at him curiously. Nick raised an eyebrow back at him.

“ Innnteresting ,” he said, popping a piece of the lemon blueberry scones he made into his mouth.

“Everyone has to be at least 50% drunk before the race!” Darcy shouted from her spot across the table.

“Don’t have to tell me twice,” Otis cheered, clinking his glass with hers. 

“If you brought a costume, better start getting changed,” Charlie instructed. “You can use the bathroom or my bedroom.” 

“Come on, babe,” Darcy said, pulling Tara into Charlie’s room with a gigantic reusable bag thrown over her shoulder. “If we’re not out of here in 10 minutes, don’t come after us.”  

Soon, everyone except Charlie and Nick had gotten ready while they puttered around, clearing dishes and putting away leftovers. Jesse had a vintage 1994 Indianapolis Motor Speedway tee-shirt and black and white checkered shorts that stopped mid-thigh, while Scott emerged from the restroom in exactly what he’d worn into it (“What? I needed to use the restroom. I told you guys, I’m not dressing up.”): khaki shorts and a black polo shirt.

“Babe, you’re wearing a black polo instead of a blue one - that is dressing up for you,” Jesse said, rolling his eyes at their friends.

Tara stepped out with Darcy’s “ I Like Girls ” tee shirt that had been turned into a cropped tank top with a pair of neon green bike shorts, and Darcy emerged in neon green and white checkered hot pants, cowboy boots, and a thin white tank with a scrawled, “ Me, I’m ‘Girls ’” on it. (“I thought this might be helpful in case we run into any Otises out there.”) Otis, who was in a pair of cut off jean shorts, a Bud Light tee shirt, and a cowboy hat, flipped her off. Isaac came out of his bedroom and drew loud cheers at his American Flag patterned romper.

“Did you even bring a costume?” Charlie asked Nick curiously as he headed into his room to change.

“‘Did I even bring a costume,’ Charlie, what do you take me for?” He said, shaking his head with a look of disappointment on his face before grabbing his backpack and disappearing into the bathroom. Charlie grinned and stepped into his bedroom, finding his outfit and slipping it on quickly: a pair of black and white checkered sequin shorts, cut off high on his thighs, and a black crop top with red sequined script across the chest: Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!  

‘Game on, Evan,’ he whispered before stepping into the crowd to a chorus of wolf-whistles. 

Nick emerged a couple seconds later, and Charlie gulped as he took him in: he wore a blue “USA” tank top that he’d cut off just below his chest, leaving his six pack exposed. A pair of tight jean shorts followed, hitting a couple of inches above his knees. Below that were a pair of scuffed up tan work boots. A tool belt was slung low around his hips. “I thought I’d be Carpenter Nick today,” he said with a wink toward Charlie. “I’ll probably have to lose the shirt at some point though to give the full effect…” he trailed off and everyone looked at him with their jaws on the floor. 

“Daaamn,” Jesse breathed. “Nick can hang!” 

“Guys, guys – I think…I might be...I-I think I’m bisexual,” Otis said, gaping at Nick.

“Me too,” Tara added.

“I’m definitely still gay!” Charlie blurted out.

“Eh, me too,” Darcy added with a shrug.

“These feelings…are…am I…is this what sexual attraction is?” Isaac asked, fanning himself.

“Okay, okay, enough,” Nick said, blushing and covering his face with his hands. 

“Is that a pencil tucked behind your ear?” Charlie asked weakly. Nick sauntered over to him.

“Yeah,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “In case I have to… measure something later.”

“Stooop!” Charlie squealed as Nick ran his finger along the strip of skin exposed along his stomach.

“He’s definitely gay then,” Darcy said with a satisfied nod.

“Come on, let’s go,” Charlie said, trying to get control over his breathing and the entire situation at the same time. “Bikes are out back!”

The colorful group biked along the blocked off city streets, joining in with hundreds of others en route to the speedway, a garish, drunken parade, undulating sweatily in the heat. Nick took it all in, hooting with laughter at the outfits, the random people lining the streets to wave and throw candy at the bikers, and the stoic policemen directing traffic. They arrived at the racetrack half an hour later, navigating through the crowds to find their seats, cracking open cold beers from their cooler and trying to make themselves comfortable on the hard metal bleachers. Charlie watched as Otis explained actual race stuff to Nick, pointing out the pit crews and the different flags, as Nick nodded carefully.

They spent the next few hours unable to really talk; the sounds of the cars so loud that nearly the entire stadium simultaneously inserted ear plugs and watched intently in silence. The several-hour race was broken up by trips to the bathroom, restocking their coolers, and ambling about, people watching. At one point, their entire group found themselves laying on the grass in the shade of the stands to get a break from the heat, sucking on lemonades and wrapping their hands around condensating cups. True to his word, Nick had pulled off his shirt and tucked it into the back of his tool belt. Charlie dropped down next to him, leaning back on his hands, his long legs outstretched. “That tool belt shouldn’t be allowed,” he said, bumping Nick with his shoulder.

“Oh no?” Nick asked with a smile, glancing down at his waist and fingering the toolbelt absentmindedly. “I forgot it at home once and I felt naked all day without it.” He hadn’t meant anything by it, but Charlie immediately started blushing at the words ‘naked’ and ‘toolbelt’ coming out of Nick’s mouth. “Anyway, Gentlemen, Start Your Engines ? Isn’t that a little too on the nose, even for you?” Nick reached out and traced the glittery script with his pointer finger, writing the phrase across Charlie’s chest. Despite the heat, goosebumps broke out across Charlie’s entire body at the contact. “Oops, did I do that?” Nick asked, glancing at the raised bumps covering Charlie’s upper arms. He gave Charlie a devious grin, which Charlie returned with a heated look.

“Nick,” he warned, noticing how breathy his voice sounded upon even the slightest bit of attention. 

“Yeah?” Nick asked, innocently. He wrapped his hand around Charlie’s bicep and rubbed it up and down gently, the goosebumps fading with his touch. Both pairs of eyes watched Nick’s hand caressing Charlie’s arm and then slowly rose to meet each other, their pupils dilating when they met. Despite sitting sprawled in a circle with six of their friends, on a lawn where dozens of others had retreated into the shade, in a stadium with hundreds of thousands of cheering spectators, everything narrowed in Charlie’s periphery to a dull hum. All he could see were amber eyes with tan flecks, blonde hair and tan skin, fingers and goosebumps and sunshine smells and cherry cider stained lips.

“By the way, how’s Evan,” Charlie blurted out, instantly shocked by what he’d just said. ‘ Fuckity fuck fuck!’ his brain screeched, cursing himself for his inability to control his mouth. 

“Oh,” Nick said, surprised. “What–” He pulled his hands away from Charlie’s arms, holding them midair for a beat before dropping them into his lap. 

“Sorry, I’ve just been curious. You haven’t said anything about him,” Charlie doubled down like an idiot . Now that the question was out there, he had to know. In for a penny, in for a pound. 

“He’s…fine.” Nick said flatly, his jaw set now. “Is there something in particular you’d like to ask me?”

“No…I just…wondered?” Charlie said, retreating feebly. Why had he started down this path? He’d just doused their heated moment - whatever it was - with cold reality.

“Are you possibly... feeling a bit…jealous, maybe?” Nick asked, a look on his face that Charlie couldn’t place, but his eyes were serious, searching. Charlie inhaled deeply, desperate to answer the question honestly without revealing too much. They were in the middle of the Indy 500, for fuck’s sake. He was wearing sequined hot pants ! They couldn’t talk about this here. 

“What if I said yes?” he asked finally, hating how uncertain his voice sounded to his own ears. Nick stared at him blankly, not breaking eye contact.

“Then I’d say that you should tell me that,” Nick said pointedly. He stood up from where he was resting in the grass and wiped his hands on his shorts. “I’m going back to the bleachers to watch the rest of the race,” he announced to the group. Scott and Jesse glanced at each other and nodded, getting up and linking hands. 

“Yeah, wait up,” Otis said, following after them. Eventually Tara and Darcy got up as well, leaving just Charlie and Isaac behind. Charlie picked angrily at the blades of grass beneath him. 

“Charlie, what is it going to take?” Isaac said from behind his book with a sigh, not even looking at him. “Nick has literally been begging you to tell him how you feel, in multiple different ways, all weekend.”

“He has not ,” Charlie pouted, sounding like a toddler. Isaac stood up and headed back toward the bleachers. 

“Honestly, Charlie, I’d rather watch cars driving around in a circle for hours than deal with your denial.”

“Wait!” Charlie yelped, scrambling from his position in the grass to catch up with Isaac. “I’m sorry . It’s hard for me.” Isaac slowed and let Charlie catch up to him.

“Just…just be honest. With yourself and others,” Isaac said, quoting Geoff. Charlie narrowed his eyes.

“I never should’ve told you my therapy mantra.”

____________

The friends arrived back at Charlie’s house later that afternoon and quickly went their separate ways. Hours of baking in the sun, drinking beer, and eating salty concession stand food had left everyone a crustier, grouchier, and more dehydrated version of themselves. Charlie had finished the last hour of the race sitting next to Tara and Darcy, his eyes locked on Jesse and Nick on their other side, chatting animatedly like old friends. Occasionally, Jesse would reach over and brush Scott’s cheek with his fingertips; once, he and Nick stood to cheer for a driver who had a particularly fast pit stop (or whatever the hell people cheered for in racing), and Charlie couldn’t help but smile at the unadulterated joy painted across Nick’s features. For his part, Nick didn’t seem particularly concerned with the conversation he and Charlie had on the grass, smiling warmly at him over the heads of the friends that separated them, winking occasionally, or rolling his eyes when both Scott and Jesse and Tara and Darcy had moments of coupled-off cuteness. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for Charlie; he was absolutely still bothered by his conversation with Nick. In fact, his insides were practically roiling. Not only was he irritated at himself for bringing Evan up, but he was also angry that Nick still hadn’t given him any sort of indication about his and Evan’s status. As he, Isaac, and Nick took turns in the shower and then filtered into the living room in joggers and tee shirts and sweatpants - the cozy, less-flamboyant versions of themselves, Charlie’s nerves thrummed under his otherwise calm surface, like a maze of ants under the dirt. 

“No offense to either of you, but I’ve had enough social interaction today to last me for like, 70 days,” Isaac said, grabbing his leftover noodles and a sparkling water from the fridge. “I’ll be in my room if you need me, but I’m begging you not to need me.”

Nick turned to Charlie. “Maybe it’s just me, but I’m kind of starving ,” he said, rubbing his stomach. 

“Why am I not surprised,” Charlie asked dryly, crossing the living room to pull out the carryout menus he and Isaac kept stashed in their junk drawer. He perched next to Nick on the couch, the mundane task of deciding where to order from and what to eat doing wonders to settle his anxious energy. It was just Nick, after all. Once they’d called in their orders, they relaxed onto the couch, pulling up an old episode of The Office to pass the time.

“Thanks for arranging all of this,” Nick said after a moment. “The Indy 500 is…truly an experience I will never forget.”

“Yeah?” Charlie asked, turning to face Nick and propping his chin in his hand. “Tell me what you thought about it.”

Nick settled back against the cushions and turned his head to look at Charlie, his eyes roaming as he spoke. “It was just so… weird , honestly. Like, obviously a lot of people were there for the actual race, but the whole subculture around it…I didn’t expect it.” 

Charlie laughed, remembering how strange he found the entire thing when he went the first time as a high school student. “It’s definitely a thing around here,” he agreed. 

“I can’t believe I have to drive back tomorrow.” 

“Wait, what? I thought you were staying forever?” Charlie joked, reaching across the couch to poke Nick in his ribs.

“I hate that you somehow know the exact rib that’s the most ticklish,” Nick said, grabbing at Charlie’s finger. “ I don’t even know which rib it is, but you find it every time.”

“I have a gift,” Charlie said with a shrug. 

“The drive kind of sucks,” Nick admitted after a few seconds passed. He seemed to be searching for his words, and Charlie watched him curiously. Nick glanced at him and continued on. “It’s like… so far . You don’t really think about it when you look at a map. But ten hours straight of driving? That’s…not really a trip you want to have to make too often.”

“Oh,” Charlie said, swallowing nervously. ‘Nick isn’t going to visit you again.’ He felt the beginning of a mental spiral at the edges of his mind and brought his thumb up to his mouth to bite at the nail.

“That’s not what I meant,” Nick said, reaching over and grabbing Charlie’s hand, bringing it back down and holding it gently on the couch in between them. He squeezed twice. Charlie took a deep breath and felt himself step away from the ledge. 

“What did you mean?” Charlie asked, staring down at their hands on the couch. Nick’s hand engulfed his, completely covering Charlie’s fingers, his thumb tracing a gentle pattern over his bumpy knuckles.

“I was just…acknowledging it. That it’s hard. And far,” he said. “We’ll have to take turns.”

A wave of relief passed over Charlie at the tacit acknowledgement that they were in this together. The doorbell buzzed, and Charlie reluctantly pulled his hand away from Nick as he got up to retrieve their food. He brought the brown paper bag back to the couch and sorted through it, separating their orders. They ate ravenously, and Charlie realized that aside from the blueberry lemon scone Nick had made that morning and a few handfuls of popcorn at the racetrack, he’d barely eaten all day. 

“God, I know it can’t be true, but I feel like I’ve never been hungrier in my entire life,” Nick said with a groan, taking a giant bite of his gyro sandwich. “All I’ve had today was a bunch of scrambled eggs, a scones, two hot dogs, a lemon ice, and a box of Cracker Jacks.” 

“Your poor mother,” Charlie said, clucking his tongue and shaking his head in awe. “To be responsible for feeding you when you were a teenager…not to mention David, too?”

“Shut up, you would’ve loved me as a teenager,” Nick said around a mouthful of fries.

“I did love you as a teenager,” Charlie said, barging right on past the double meaning to cover his tracks. “We met when you were nineteen.”

“Isn’t that wild ,” Nick said, shaking his head in awe and licking the salt off of his fingertips. “We’ve been friends for ten years next year.” They quieted down, getting lost in their memories while they finished their food. Charlie saw their first meeting on the path leading into the woods, remembering their instant connection as they joked like old friends. He saw them tossing popcorn into each other’s mouths across Tao’s couch during particularly dull movie nights. The stolen glances through the rearview mirror as Nick drove their friends through the city, communicating wordlessly. Finding Nick’s scrawled notes stuffed in his backpack after a study session. 

Charlie got up with a groan, his quad muscles not used to biking more than a couple miles at a time, and cleared his and Nick’s empty containers, taking them to the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of Pinot Noir and two wine glasses. Nick watched him approaching the couch with a soft smile, and he grabbed the blanket from behind him, wrapping it around his shoulders and holding his arms open. Charlie bit back a grin and snuggled in, scooting as close to Nick as possible, the entirety of the left side of his body pressed against his warm, solid body. Nick closed his arms around the two of them and they let out simultaneous contented sighs, followed by a fit of giggles. They sipped their wine, their conversation meandering from funny moments from the weekend to the grant proposal, to making plans to visit Sarah, when Nick sat up suddenly. 

“Oh, by the way,” he said, turning to look at Charlie with a wide grin. “ That was Scott?!”  

“What?” Charlie asked, dazed from Nick’s sudden movements and change in tone. 

“The Scott we hung out with all day today. That was your Scott ? The one I thought I would lose you to forever? To the point where I drunkenly confessed my love to you?!” Nick gestured erratically between himself and Charlie. 

“ Oh, ” Charlie finally answered, catching on. He nodded grimly. “The guy who inadvertently ruined our friendship and put our entire future at risk? Yeah, that was him.”

“ No offense Charlie, and please don’t take it the wrong way, but that guy is SO BORING, ” Nick said, holding his hands out in front of himself to emphasize the point. “I can’t believe he was my nemesis for so long!”

“Okay, he’s not that boring,” Charlie said, disliking the insinuation that he had poor taste for liking someone as vanilla as Scott. “He’s nice. Plus, I’m sure plenty of people think I’m boring, too.”

“Are you fucking with me right now? Literally no one thinks you’re boring. Look at you! And you play the drums!” Nick said, his voice raising as he gestured to the electronic drum kit visible through Charlie’s open bedroom door.

“And Scott plays the piano!” Charlie shot back.

“ Booorrrr-rrriinnggg,” Nick droned loudly, and Charlie couldn’t help it, he started to laugh. Okay, he could admit it: Scott was maybe a bit boring. “He’s probably never called off work to go to the beach with his friend,” Nick said. “He’s probably never had to break through a two by four with his heel because he turned off his power saw off a second too soon. He's probably never gotten drunk on cider and then biked home.”

“Nick, stop!” Charlie laughed, covering his face with his hands.

 “He’s probably never said the word ‘fuck,’” Nick said with a manic giggle. “He’s probably never actually fucked anyone, either. Scott totally makes love, he doesn’t fuck. Sorry to Jesse.”

“Nick! Oh my god, stop !” Charlie gasped, clutching his sides. 

“And the whole time you were obsessing over him, I was right there, desperate to fuck your brains out!” Nick cried, his voice losing its teasing edge, sounding like a plea. 

And that’s when Charlie’s brain short circuited. 

He felt his heart stop completely before going absolutely frenetic in his chest. He could feel the blood pulsing through his veins, echoing in his ears. The lights in the room dimmed to a pin prick, where all he could see was Nick ensconced in a golden halo of light, like some sort of heavenly creature, all sienna shrouds and cotton joggers and sun-kissed cheeks and luminous eyes. 

And for the first time since Nick arrived, Charlie made a conscious choice with his brain instead of on an impulse. 

Enough was enough. 

It was time to be honest. 

With himself and with others.  

He stood up, suddenly preternaturally calm, and carefully walked over to where Nick sat, still bundled in his blanket, unshed tears of laughter making his eyes look really pretty . Charlie put his hands on either side of Nick’s face, tilting it up to look at him dead in the eyes, and he spoke evenly and deliberately. 

“I’m going to need you to break up with Evan.”

He turned on his heel and walked into his bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him.

Chapter Text

Chapter Fourteen

Charlie stepped into his room, immediately turning to lean against the door, letting his head fall back with a small thump . He took a slow inhale through his nose and let it out, counting as he did it. Where he expected choking panic or pin-prick vision because what he’d just done, he only found silence. Stillness. An eerie emptiness instead of the usual buzzing of thoughts and ideas and observations and questions and feelings and words . Was this what happened when he put his deepest desires into words and let them float out of his mouth and into the air for others to actually hear them? Because if so, sign him the fuck up! He felt amazing . He had done it . He had finally - finally - been honest with Nick, even if it was just the tip of an iceberg’s worth of shit he really needed to say. And sure, he didn’t know how Nick was going to respond, but he realized, in that moment that, he wasn’t scared. Nick was safe , and always had been. ‘I’m going to need you to break up with Evan,’ he said to himself with a chuckle at the absurdity of it all. ‘Who the fuck do I think I am? ’

The door behind him opened suddenly, and Charlie stumbled backwards right into Nick’s large frame.

“Oh!” Nick said, startled, grabbing onto Charlie’s shoulders to keep both of them from toppling to the ground. 

“Sorry!” Charlie rushed out, steading himself and turning to look at Nick. His face was inscrutable, all dark eyes and flat mouth, but his hair was a mess, like he’d spent the last 30 seconds pulling his fingers through it repeatedly. 

“So, uh, about that,” Nick said after he’d caught his balance, gesturing to the couch. “What exactly did you mean by that?” Charlie’s stomach dropped at Nick’s tone - he wasn’t nervous or uncertain, or even excited; he sounded mad.

“What did I mean ?” Charlie asked, shocked, the stillness in his head buzzing back to life. “I meant literally what I said. Break up with Evan. Now.” His voice did not waver, and his eyes did not blink. He stared directly into Nick’s eyes; a silent challenge. He knew what he wanted and now that it had escaped his lips there was no turning back.

Nick let out a frustrated rush of breath, and they were standing close enough to each other that Charlie felt it glance across his forehead. “Think really carefully about what you’re asking me to do here, Charlie,” Nick said, his voice coming out in an intense whisper. “I mean, like, be fucking explicit with me.” He took a step closer to Charlie, and out of instinct, Charlie stepped backwards, the fierceness of Nick’s gaze almost scaring him. They were squared off in the middle of Charlie’s dark bedroom, the only light coming from the street lamp outside of the window, casting stretched out shadows across the navy rug. If either of them had hackles, they would be raised. Any observer would think they were in the middle of a fight, and in some ways, they were.

“I don’t know how I can be any clearer ,” Charlie spat out.

“Really, is that so?” Nick said, his volume rising as he spoke. “So I break up with Evan, fine. Then what? What comes next? Does that actually get you whatever it is you want?” He paced back and forth across Charlie’s room like a caged lion, all coiled taught muscles stretching his thin tee shirt across his back, snarling teeth and shadowed eyes.

“ Shhh !” Charlie hissed, nodding his head toward the wall he and Isaac shared. “Stop yelling, Isaac can probably hear everything.”

“Don’t stop on my account, I won’t listen!” Isaac called brightly from the other side of the wall. “God knows you need to talk about this shit.”

Charlie and Nick’s eyes met and Charlie clapped his hands over his mouth as a snort of laughter slipped out despite their tense conversation, which led to Nick’s face breaking into a quick grin before he remembered that he was supposed to be frustrated and furrowed his brow.

“Look, this isn’t productive,” Charlie said, surprised by his ability to remain calm in this moment; a moment it felt like his life had been leading to for nearly a decade. “Let’s find somewhere a little more private to talk,” he finished loudly, calling over his shoulder toward Isaac’s room.

“Bye guys, have fun!” Isaac’s disembodied voice called out.

He led Nick out of his room and they stood awkwardly in the middle of Charlie’s dining room, a silent truce so they could  work out the necessary logistics. “I wish we were in Philly; this conversation is made for the art museum steps,” Nick sighed. 

“We have monuments in Indianapolis, you know,” Charlie said sarcastically. “And most of them even have steps.” He paused for a moment, thinking about the amount of time it would take to drive to any of the places he had in mind and Nick’s early morning departure.

“What about your backyard?” Nick asked, peering out the window into the darkened space behind Charlie’s apartment. “You could start a fire.”

“Yeah, that works,” Charlie nodded in agreement. He crossed the room and tossed the sienna throw blanket over to Nick. Nick wrapped the fuzzy blanket - somehow it had become his blanket over the last couple of days - around his shoulders and shuffled into the back yard, barefoot, picking his way across the unfamiliar terrain, through the shadows cast by the cloud-covered moon. Charlie followed him out to the fire pit, which he flicked on, before settling into a patterned lounge chair, scooting it close enough that the heat of the fire warmed his skin and cast dancing orange shadows across his face. Nick settled into a twin lounge chair on the other side of the fire. As they had found themselves doing multiple times over the course of the weekend, they took simultaneous inhales before meeting eyes across the fire. 

“So, where were we?” Nick spoke into the glowing silence. 

“I think you were telling me you want me to get explicit with you,” Charlie joked, desperate to deflect the weighty conversation with humor. “What did you mean by that?” He saw a hint of a smile cross Nick’s face before it settled into a frown again. Charlie tilted his head as he watched Nick’s emotions cross his face. 

“I meant that…that I need you to tell me what you want from me, Charlie,” Nick finally spoke into the hazy quiet, his words hanging in the air around them like mist before curling into a tendril of smoke and floating away in the orange glow. “And don’t say ‘break up with Evan.’”

“But that is what I want, Nick!” Charlie cried, raising his hands out to his sides in exasperation, frustrated that Nick couldn’t just accept it for what it clearly was. “I’m not a homewrecker, and you’re not a cheater, but god help me, I want to wreck your home!” Charlie’s blood was thrumming through his veins, burning with a dangerous cocktail of relief, desire, and fear.

“Fucking hell , Charlie,” Nick coughed out, surprised. He closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, resetting himself with a shaky breath. “But see, this is what is getting to me right now.” He straightened up and ran his hand through his hair. “Obviously we’re attracted to each other - is that what you want? Like, are we talking about a friends with benefits situation here? Because I can never tell with you, and heaven forbid you just speak plainly.”

“Ohhhh,” Charlie said, sitting back in his chair, finally understanding where Nick was coming from. God, he was so oblivious sometimes. Charlie felt a smattering of nerves kick up at the conversation to come. If Nick thought he wanted to be friends with benefits, he was going to have to stop hiding behind innuendo and humor and be a bit more vulnerable than he liked to be. He steeled himself and powered forward. “Do you really think this is purely physical for me? Whatever gave you that impression?”

“I don’t know, maybe the way you talk about how hot I am all the time but have never once told me how you feel about me, ever?” Nick cried, his response bursting out of him forcefully. Charlie’s jaw snapped shut. Surely that couldn’t be true…could it?

“Never once?” Charlie asked in disbelief. “I just told you a couple months ago in Philly! I’ve literally fallen all over myself, thanking you at every turn for forgiving me, telling you you’re my best friend and that I miss you and that I never want to be apart from you. Like, how else could I convey my feelings for you?” Charlie asked, growing frustrated as he listed the multiple ways he’d expressed how much Nick meant to him.

“You could tell me how you feel, Charlie, not how you’ve felt , past tense, but feel , currently, right now, about me.” Nick said, punching out each word, glaring at Charlie. “You have to understand the difference between telling someone you used to like them and that you do like them. It’s a couple of words but it’s a world of difference.”

“ Aarrrrghhh ,” Charlie groaned, covering his face with his palms and lifting his face toward the sky, a silent prayer to the gods to swoop down and save him from his stupid little backyard. “You want me to put myself out there when I don’t even know if you’re single , Nick! That’s fucked up!”

“ Stop talking about Evan!” Nick bellowed, throwing his hands into the air. “He is inconsequential to this conversation!”

“Fine! Yes! I have feelings for you, okay? Are you happy now?!” Charlie asked, frustrated beyond belief. He stood up from his seat and paced back and forth in front of the fire pit like an animal at the zoo, glaring at Nick through the heated haze, the wisps of heat making Nick’s face undulate . “I like you, I feel like you don’t like me back, it’s driving me insane, and even if you do like me you live ten hours away and I don’t know how the fuck to reconcile the fact that you’re all I can think about but I can’t figure out how to just have you.” The words flew out of him, each one covered in pointed thorns, scratching his throat until he ended in a hoarse whisper, tears pricking his eyes in a mix of desperation and relief. 

“Fucking finally Charlie, Jesus ,” Nick said, jumping up from where he was sitting and crossing in front of the fire pit to pull Charlie into a tight hug. “ Thank you for saying that. I know how hard it is,” Nick said, his voice a quiet whisper into Charlie’s ear, his tight squeeze and hands splayed across Charlie’s shoulder blades working to slow his erratic breathing. They stayed pressed together a moment longer until Nick pulled away so he could look in Charlie’s eyes.

“I’m sorry it took me so long to tell you that,” Charlie said weakly. “I didn’t realize…I guess I forget sometimes that you don’t know what I’m thinking.” The two men held each others’ forearms as they spoke, the proximity to the fire pit casting a bronze glow across their faces.

“Not knowing what you’re thinking has been…like, the preeminent issue of my last decade, Charlie,” Nick said, letting out a sigh, his eyes searching Charlie’s for understanding. “We could probably spend all night unpacking my issues around our relationship.”

“God, that sounds terrible ,” Charlie muttered.

“It wouldn’t be fun, no,” Nick said carefully. He brushed his fingertips across the veins on the inside of Charlie’s elbows, drawing out a shiver and a fresh batch of goosebumps. “But…it’s only fair, since you just…spoke your truth…I–I’ve always liked you, Charlie. Like, since we met on the fucking path before the camping trip.” His face darkened as he continued, and Charlie could tell he was revisiting a painful period in his mind as he spoke. “I watched you fall for Ben over and over again – except I didn’t even know you were tied up with Ben at the time; I thought you were just extremely fickle – and each time you lost interest in me was like someone took a scalpel to my heart and sliced off a piece and tossed it to those damn geese on campus. I got my hopes up, time and time again, only to get them crushed, time and time again .”

“Nick, wait,” Charlie interrupted, the answer to a question that had plagued him for months finally being addressed. “You - you’ve liked me this entire time? Like, since we met? ”

“Charlie, I liked you the entire four years. You had to have known that,” Nick breathed, his eyes imploring. 

“I didn’t know,” Charlie said, softly. “I think…I was a bit oblivious back then.”

“A bit oblivious ?” Nick spat out with a bark of laughter. “Charlie, are you being serious?”

“Um, yes?” Charlie asked, meekly. “You never said, and I was certainly never going to just ask, but I’ve always wondered.” 

“Oh god, this is going to be a long night,” Nick said, running a hand through his hair, frazzled. “Charlie, it was obvious to literally everyone except you, apparently.” He crossed the firepit, dropping onto the loveseat, patting the cushion next to him. Charlie followed wordlessly and climbed on next to him, bringing his knees up to his chest facing Nick, who wordlessly wrapped his fingers lightly around Charlie’s ankle, almost completely encircling his slender bones.

“It wasn’t obvious to me, Nick,” Charlie said evenly. “There were times I wondered, but I was never sure.”

“Well, now you know. And maybe you get why I’m having a hard time coming to terms with all of this. I know you never meant to, but you’ve put me through the fucking wringer over the years,” Nick confessed, his thumb rubbing over the bone on Charlie’s ankle absently.

“I liked you on and off for the last decade too, you know,” Charlie said darkly, not meeting Nick’s eyes. “You’re not the only one who has had feelings.”

That seemed to catch Nick off guard, and his head snapped up suddenly. “The last decade ? Not just that one year?”

“No, not just the one year. On and off whenever I could get my head out of Ben’s ass and think clearly. Or as you so kindly noted, when I was being ‘extremely fickle.’”

“So…you and me. This isn’t, like, a recent...idea for you?” Nick asked. His thumb circled around again, pulling an uneven shudder out of Charlie’s lips.

“It’s not a recent idea, no,” Charlie said, choosing his words carefully, trying to keep himself from whimpering with Nick’s gentle touches. “But I don’t want to lie to you - it hasn’t been a steady thing over the years, like it sounds like it was for you. More like a…a pulsing thing.” 

“That…” Nick stopped abruptly, bringing his free hand to the outside of his cheek and glancing at Charlie with a ridiculous look on his face. “Honestly, that sounds so gross. Don’t tell me about your pulsing thing , Charlie,” Nick said, fighting back a snicker. 

Charlie drew his hands up to cover his face in embarrassment. “Oh my god…”

“And right now? Is it… pulsing ?” Nick asked, pressing his thumb against the pulse point in Charlie’s ankle. 

“Nick, stop!” Charlie said weakly through his fingers.

“No, I’m being serious now,” Nick said. “When you told me you wanted me to break up with Evan. Was it because you just wanted to make out and relieve some of this ridiculous sexual tension or is it because…you want to actually try . For like, a real thing. ”

“Um, I guess…I want…can’t it be both?” Charlie asked, keeping his head buried in his hands. “Why are you making me say everything like this?”

“Because Charlie, I need to be crystal clear,” Nick said, pulling his hands into his lap and gazing out across the orange flames licking toward the dark sky. “I’ve spent the better part of the last decade trying to guess how you really feel about me, what you really want. And, I know you feel like your preoccupation with Ben kept you from fully experiencing your college years. Well, my preoccupation with you did that, too. I can’t - I can’t just…put my life on hold again. I have to know what you want, because it means that you know what you want.” 

Charlie felt his chest expanding and contracting under his ribs, his body recognizing the moment that it was in even before his mind did. Time stopped and suddenly Charlie could see and feel everything around him: the flames dancing to an unknown song, the moths buzzing around the porch light, wings beating; the leaves from the magnolia tree rustling in the gentle wind; a sound of a distant airplane circling overhead; the thumping of his pulse in his neck. “I want to try, Nick. To be together. If you do, I would. I would try so hard .”

Nick leaned forward, slowly, his fingers glancing across a curl that had fallen into Charlie’s eye, wrapping it gently around his finger before letting it drop. Charlie couldn’t help the way his eyelids fluttered closed at the briefest contact, his skin burning like Nick’s fingers were the flames. “What if I told you that Evan hasn’t been in the picture for weeks now,” Nick asked, quietly, his eyes steady on Charlie as the words sunk in.

“I’d ask you why the fuck you didn’t tell me sooner so we could’ve been making out this entire time,” Charlie said, his voice wavering as the sweet feeling of relief crashed through him. “Are you fucking serious Nick? Evan has been living in my head rent free for weeks .”

“I really don’t know why - I literally went on like, five dates with this guy,” Nick said gently, his fingers finding another errant curl, tucking it behind Charlie’s ear with a ghost-like touch. “It really wasn’t a big thing.”

“But…you texted me at 5am after you had a date with him,” Charlie whined, finding some kind of inhuman strength to pull himself away from Nick’s caress so he could watch his reaction.

“And so what? I’m a grown man!” Nick said, a hint of a smile playing at his lips.

“So you did sleep with him?” Charlie asked nervously. “I-I know, like, you’re allowed, and we aren’t even dating each other now , much less then… I-I don’t know why it’s bothering me.”

“I don’t kiss and tell, but it doesn’t matter Charlie. He’s just…some guy that I dated and then stopped dating,” Nick explained patiently.

“But why did you stop dating?” Charlie asked, morbidly curious. He tentatively slipped his toes across the cushion and wiggled them under the edge of Nick’s thigh.  

“Oh, uhh…,” Nick said nervously. “We…we don’t have to talk about that.” Charlie noticed the subtle shift in the tone and he couldn’t help but press into it. 

“Oh my god Nick what happened ? Was he a stage-5 clinger? Did he cry when you kissed him? Did he talk in a weird way about how much he loved his sister?” The cozy cocoon around them melted away as Charlie bounced up and down on his seat, desperate for the story.

“Charlie,” Nick said, dropping his head into his hands. “We’re trying to have a serious conversation here.”

“ Please tell me!” Charlie begged. “I live for awkward shit.”

“Fine,” Nick said tightly, blowing out a stream of air as he shook his head, seeming embarrassed by what he was about to say. “Do you remember when you called me at work that one day? When you told me you were going to try to come out to Philly for a month instead of a week?” 

“Yes, my brain almost broke because you weren’t wearing a shirt,” Charlie said automatically, sitting with his chin in his hand.

“And you said you ‘saw some look cross my face’ that made you think I didn’t want you to come out for that long and got all insecure?” Nick continued.

“Yes…”

“Well…that was why,” Nick finished abruptly, with a shrug.

“Sorry, what? What was why?” Charlie asked.

“When you told me you might be coming out for a month, I knew I had to end things with Evan,” Nick said deliberately, spelling it out for Charlie.

“But…just because –”

“Because I don’t want to lead someone on, Charlie, okay?” Nick blurted. “If you are going to be in Philly with me for a month, then Evan doesn’t exist to me for a month. No one would exist besides you. And even the idea that it might happen was enough for me to recognize that I’d rather end things with Evan than prolong it and just make it worse later. I’m not just going to go back and forth on someone like that.” Nick’s breath came out in quick spurts, and he looked at Charlie with the same intensity he’d had in Charlie’s bedroom - daring Charlie to acknowledge what he was saying.

“So we – you’re telling me that…that we both want this,” Charlie asked hopefully, his heart rate thudding in his chest. He balled his fists, trying to contain the surge of nerves he felt as he watched Nick’s face, which hadn’t broken into a grin but had instead fallen into a frown.

“I’m going to level with you, Charlie,” Nick said after what felt like an eternity of staring into the middle distance while Charlie’s heart beat as fast as it did during a round of sprints. “My heart does. It really does. But…my brain is sending out warning signals.” With that confession, Charlie felt his pupils dilate, the sudden moment of reality dousing him with a cold shiver.

“Your brain isn’t sure?” Charlie asked, trying to catch up, to figure out what that meant , practically speaking. “Is it–because of my..back and forthness over the years? The pulsing?” 

“Yes, it’s because of the years of pulsing,” Nick chuckled. But he wasn’t smiling - his eyes were turned down, sad. He chewed on his bottom lip nervously. 

“But I’m steady now,” Charlie said, a feeling of desperation working its way through his muddled brain. “I know that I can be steady, if you’ll let me try.”

“I want to believe you, I really do…but, I– to be honest, I’m scared Charlie,” Nick said. “You’ve changed your mind so many times before.”

“How can I make you believe me? What do I have to do? Because I want this, Nick. I want to– to show you how I feel…how I’ve maybe always felt,” Charlie said, tears pooling in his eyes. He couldn’t lose this, not after everything they'd been through; not after he had finally been honest.

Nick gave a deep sigh, and Charlie could tell he was trying to find the right words. He counted in his head, matching the inhales with the exhales, trying to ease his growing tension, waiting and watching as Nick’s eyes honed in on sometime across the yard - a falling leaf, the blink of a firefly, a flower bending in the breeze. “Honestly, it’s not the answer either of us wants. But I…I think we just have to wait until my brain catches up with my heart. You have to show me you aren’t going disappear.”

“Okay,” Charlie whispered. “If that’s what you need…” he trailed off. “But…sorry, I’m just like, feeling really vulnerable now. You do like me, right? Like, now? Not in the past, but now? ”

“God, Charlie, I like you so much,” Nick breathed. “I’ve never not liked you, the entire time we’ve known each other.”

“And – and if your brain gets with the program, you want to try to like, be together ? For real? You and me? Somehow?”

“I really want my brain to want that, yeah,” Nick agreed, his voice sounding pained. 

“Maybe we should kiss then?” Charlie asked hopefully. “Just to like, test it out?” 

Nick threw his head back and let out a loud belly laugh, breaking through the tension that had grown up around them in the last few moments. He dropped his head back against the cushion and turned to look at Charlie, a grin still on his face. “Honestly, just touching your fucking ankle was nearly too much to handle,” he admitted. 

“So…that means you do want to kiss?” Charlie pressed, scooting closer, a teasing smile on his face, an attempt at levity as he tried to process what Nick had just told him.

“I do, so bad,” Nick said, seriously. “But…I think I’m going to be like one of those tigers.” 

“Like…a tiger? ” Charlie asked, gaping at the completely inexplicable reference.

“You know how, like, every ten years or so a tiger in India will find its way to a village and eat a person?” 

“Um, I don’t know that, but go on I guess?” Charlie said, totally confused.

“Well, they have to kill the tiger,” Nick said matter-of-factly. “Once it’s tasted human flesh, they refuse any other meat, so they become super dangerous to the villagers. They like, start stalking people and shit.”

“O-kaayyyy…” Charlie said, not following.

“If you kiss me – when we kiss – once I’ve had a taste…” Nick’s cheeks suddenly turned bright red as he stopped speaking abruptly.

“I’m going to turn you off of all other men ?” Charlie asked delightedly, eyes wide, as a huge grin overtook his face. Nick dropped his face into his hands.

“Oh my god,” he said weakly. Charlie watched him struggle to come to terms with what he’d just said, amazed by the implications. He was going to ruin Nick, in the best possible way. Someday . He stood up from the spot on the loveseat and walked over to Nick, gently prying his hands away from his face, pulling him to stand as well. 

“Nick, I have never been so turned on,” he said, grinning at Nick.

“Fuck me,” Nick muttered. “It made sense in my head.”

“Oh, I understand you loud and clear, Nick. Just give me the sign when your brain comes on board and you can be the tiger. Once you go Charlie Spring you never go…Oh! I got one! Once you go Charlie Spring, he’s gonna be the only thing! Once you go Charlie Spring, you’ll never fuck another thing! Once you go Charlie Spring, he’ll ruin you for–”

“ God ,” Nick practically moaned. “This is going to be a thing for you, isn’t it.”

“Oh, it’s already a thing. It’s…maybe the most important thing in my life,” Charlie said with a wink, threading his fingers through Nick’s hand and pulling him back into his apartment. They entered, blinking as their eyes adjusted to the artificial lighting, and settled onto the couch, hands still intertwined.

“Leaving in the morning is going to be even harder than it was in Philly last month,” Nick said, tugging Charlie closer and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. 

“At least this time there’s already a return visit planned,” Charlie said, dropping his head to Nick’s shoulder, smelling sunshine and smoke and lavender body wash.

“That’s true, that helps,” he said, a contented sigh escaping his lips. “Two weeks isn’t that far away, and we have a shit ton to figure out about this grant between now and then so we’ll probably be in constant communication.”

“D’you think…do you need me to like, do anything until we see each other again?” Charlie asked uncertainly. “I mean, for us. For your brain?”

Nick chuckled. “I don’t really know, Charlie. I didn’t even know this was how I was going to feel until I practically had an anxiety attack when you told me to break up with Evan.” He tapped on the side of his head to emphasize the point. “My brain is like, ‘You’re gonna have to give me a minute, bud!’, but my heart is like, doing backflips.” 

“Okay, so goal number one: make your brain do a backflip. Goal number two: unleash the tiger. Goal number three: you fuck my brains out,” Charlie ticked off on his fingers, referencing the phrase that started this entire conversation. 

“Something like that,” Nick said with a cackle. “ God , I can’t believe I told you that.”

“That mental image is going to keep me going for the next two weeks since you won’t even let me kiss you, like we’re eleven fucking years old or something,” Charlie said, sticking his tongue out at Nick. They sat together happily for a few moments, luxuriating in their newfound security with each other - the weight of holding in their feelings and questions finally off of their shoulders. It felt like someone had tweaked Charlie’s personal color settings, applying a vivid filter, making him realize they had been stuck on sepia tones before.

“Not that I want to end this, but I should probably try to get some sleep so I’m alert for that terrible drive tomorrow,” Nick said, squeezing Charlie around his shoulders.

“Yeah,” Charlie agreed, sadly, making no effort to move and instead snuggling his head deeper into Nick’s shoulder. 

Nick let out a gentle laugh and then dropped his arm, sliding out from next to Charlie. “Come on, I’ll tuck you in,” he said, offering his hand out for Charlie to grasp and pulling him up easily. (‘ Oh god, he’s so strong,’ - Charlie’s lizard brain). They walked into Charlie’s room and toward his bed.

“Do you…maybe. I mean, you can say no, obviously. And I promise I won’t like, try anything. But would you maybe want to like, sleep in here? With me?” Charlie asked, suddenly shy.

“Oh,” Nick said, surprised. “Uhh…I mean.” He looked at Charlie with a grimace, and then back out to the living room, running his hand through the hair at the back of his neck nervously. 

“It’s okay, really,” Charlie said quickly, stammering. “I just…erm, think I’ll…I’m maybe feeling a little bit of a vulnerability hangover at the moment, so it would be nice if you were here. So I don’t stay up all night wondering what the fuck I’ve done and how I’ll ruin everything and I’m going to scare you off and you’ll break my heart and what if –”

“I’ll stay with you,” Nick said, placing a finger to Charlie’s lips softly and giving him an encouraging nod. He closed the door and climbed into the other side of the bed before Charlie had a chance to question whether he really meant it or not.

“Oh, okay…thanks,” he said, slipping under the covers and turning onto his side to face Nick. “I really won’t try anything.”

“I know, you’re nothing if not respectful of people’s boundaries, Charlie,” Nick said, resting his cheek on his hands like some kind of sleeping angel figurine from the 1980s.

“Oh,” Charlie whispered, his cheeks burning at the compliment. Sensing Charlie’s nerves, Nick reached over and squeezed his shoulder once, twice, three times. 

“Hey, what’s going on,” Nick said, tapping Charlie’s temple. “You were so brazen a couple minutes ago and now you’re going all quiet on me.”

Charlie huffed out a nervous laugh and looked around his bedroom for something to distract himself. “I guess I just…I can’t believe this is happening to me,” he said finally, staring at the ceiling. “I...like, my whole life I’ve chased after guys who don’t like me, and in some cases, don’t even notice me. But you. You’re so..you’re…and you know me.”

“I do,” Nick confirmed, an easy smile on his face, his amber eyes glowing with the refracted light from the streetlamp filtering through the window.

“And you like me?” Charlie asked, wishing he wasn’t so nervous, that his heart wasn’t hammering away in his chest the way it was, practically shaking the bed.

“I do,” Nick said again, a nod seeming like too small a gesture to convey a truth that covered so much time and carried so much meaning. “And you like me too.”

“I do,” Charlie said seriously. “And Nick, I know I was like, being joke-y earlier and everything, but…I really will wait until your brain believes it. I will show you that I mean it.” Charlie reached across the bed and placed his hand on Nick’s chest, where his heart was beating, and looked Nick in the eye, raising his eyebrows. Nick responded with a smile and nod. “And…” Charlie said, lifting the same hand up to rest on the side of Nick’s head that wasn’t buried in the pillow. “What about here?” he breathed. Nick paused for a second and chewed on his lip, eventually raising his hand into the air, tilting it back and forth a couple of times, indicating uncertainty. “Okay,” Charlie said with a nod. “That’s where I’ll focus then.” He brushed the hair out of Nick’s eyes, tucking it behind his ear.

Nick took a steadying breath and then looked over at Charlie. “You have the power to kill me,” he whispered, his eyes somber. “ Promise me you’ll be gentle with me.”

“I will, ” Charlie said firmly, cupping Nick’s face in his hand and brushing his thumb along his cheekbone. “I promise.”

_____________

Nick’s Buick had only disappeared down the street twenty minutes ago and Charlie already had a list of seven ways to show him that he wasn’t going to change his mind. They ranged from simple (‘Text Nick every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to bed, before he texts me’; ‘Send Nick a screencap off all my deactivated and uninstalled dating apps’) to more elaborate (‘Find out where Nick’s latest house build is and get lunch delivered to him on Friday’) and were meant to cover a range of what Charlie assumed were Nick’s brain’s biggest potential hang-ups: Charlie falling for someone else and Charlie being unwilling to put the effort in to a long-distance relationship.

There were only two weeks between when they stood on the porch, clinging together in a tight hug, whispering with their mouths pressed into each others shoulders about texting every minute and seeing each other so soon and yes they really did mean what they’d confessed the night before, and when they would be reunited as both colleagues and…whatever they now were. Luckily for both of them, the next two weeks were two of the busiest of the year for them: the final weeks of the school year, in Charlie’s case, and preparing for the kickoff of the summer camps program, in Nick’s. Charlie practically had to sprint from his office to staff meetings to graduation prep to college fairs to lunch duty, not to mention the enormous amount of planning he, Sophie, Amber, and Nick had to complete for their grant. In addition to the good morning and goodnight texts that he sent faithfully each day, work emails were added into the ongoing messages, selfies, and memes they shared via every platform available to them. They engaged in a rapidly intensifying yet unspoken game of chicken through their work emails, filling each with corporate jargon, clipped wording, and terse signatures just to get each other going. Charlie’s phone pinged seconds after each email Nick was copied on, filled with a litany of ‘Fuck you, Charlie,’ and gratuitous shirtless Carpenter Nick selfies meant to fluster him right back.

They decided one night during a FaceTime call that Charlie would come out a few days before the camp started to give him at least one day on-site; a chance to get a sense of the workplace culture, meet the rest of the Habitat staff he’d be working with over the next month, and begin building up a tolerance to Carpenter Nick before he had to be exposed to him all day, every day for a week. And if he was going to come out on a Friday for that, he may as well drive out early enough on Thursday to go to the pub quiz with Elle, Tao, Sai, Sahar and Nick, too. And if he was going to be in Philly for an entire weekend before camp kicked off on Monday, he and Nick might as well sneak in a visit to Sarah in Lancaster. 

They discussed at length what to tell everyone in Philly about their relationship, going back and forth between excruciating detail - “So, Nick and I have something to tell you all: we’re not together, but we think we want to be, and he’s liked me steadily for a decade and I’ve been pulsing for a decade, so, once his brain processes that, watch out world!,” to more moderate versions: “So, Nick and I have been talking, we’re seeing where it goes!”, and they finally decided to say…nothing for now. Obviously they’d spend time with their friends, who would certainly pick up on something, but since their own interpretations were so fuzzy, they decided to lean into the ambiguity and neither confirm nor deny anything for as long as possible.

And then there was the matter of Sophie’s involvement, too. Charlie was her unofficial guardian for her week in Philadelphia and had been in close contact with her family about her travel arrangements: he would pick her up at the airport on Sunday midday (after returning from Sarah’s house that morning) and then the two of them would need to check into their lodgings on Sunday evening, where Nick would join them and the rest of the campers for dinner and orientation. 

“Mister Spring, I have to talk to you!” Sohpie said urgently, barging into his office without even checking to see if he was in the middle of another meeting, or a phone call, or forwarding a particularly funny meme along. 

“Sophie, you have to knock,” Charlie said with a sigh. “Trust me when I say this: figuring out how and when to approach someone is a more important lesson than anything you will learn your entire freshman year of college.” 

“Okay, okay, it’s just…” she trailed off and when Charlie got a good look at her, he could tell she was on the verge of a meltdown. He stood up from behind his desk and shut the door behind her, ushering her to a chair.

“Hey, what’s wrong,” he asked gently, squatting next to where she had slouched into the chair.

“It’s so stupid, I know,” she started, looking at him uneasily. Before she could finish, they were interrupted by a knock on Charlie’s office door.

“Not now!” Charlie called without even looking, and was shocked when the door opened anyway. He turned, annoyed, but relaxed a bit when Carmen glided in, pulling the door shut behind her with a worried expression on her face.

“Sophie, I’m sorry I couldn’t interrupt my call to talk to you just now,” Carmen started, making her way across the room to sit next to her. “Is everything okay?”

“Is this about camp starting next week?” Charlie asked. He and Carmen exchanged worried looks as Sophie nodded, a tear finally breaking free from her lashes and dripping down her cheek. ‘ Oh god, is Sophie backing out? Did her parents decide they don’t want her to go? Did she find something better closer to home? Am I going to have to pull out if she does?’  

“It’s…it’s just. I-I need to know more details about the dorm room situation next week. Like, I need to know all of the details !” she finally wailed. “I’ve been looking through Google images and reddit threads for hours and I can’t find anything! ”

Okay, this was not what Charlie expected. “But…why, Sophie? I’m sure it’ll be pretty simple - bunk beds, a desk, a chair,” he said, trying to make his voice as soothing as possible. He glanced at Carmen, who was eyeing Sophie curiously.

“What’s behind this, Sophie?” Carmen asked carefully.

“I don’t really care about the dorm room, to be honest, but just…what if the bathrooms are dirty, and what if I have to share with other people, and I have a bunch of products I use in my hair every day and what if someone steals them. And like, I’m sure people there are nice, but aren’t they also a bit … poor ? So like, should I keep all of my good products at home? But then I feel like, really mean when I talk this way? But I’m also kind of going a little bit insane right now because I still don’t know where I’m going to college and everyone else is like, picking out their bedsheets already ? And I don’t know how to hammer a nail! And I don’t know the difference between a nut and a bolt, and what if they ask me to use a power saw ?! I don’t even know how to use a non-powered saw! ” she finished dramatically, flopping her head onto Charlie’s desk miserably.

Understanding dawned on Charlie and Carmen as Sophie as she went through her list of anxiety-fueled questions, somehow both relieved that something more serious wasn’t wrong and yet equally concerned by how nervous she was.

“Okay, well, no use getting all worked up about things like this, let’s figure it out,” Carmen said, standing up and clapping her hands together. “Charlie, your friend helps lead this program, right? Can you call him and see if he can talk to Sophie for a few minutes about some of her concerns?”

“Um, yeah, sure,” Charlie said, fumbling to pull his phone out of his pocket.

“Is it that guy who met with us last week that you’re calling? Mr. Nelson?” Sohpie asked, sounding depleted after her tirade. 

“Yeah, that’s who I’m calling,” Charlie said, dying on the inside when he hear Sophie call him Mr. Nelson.

“And to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure,” Nick’s flirty voice came through the phone. Charlie’s eyes widened and he gave the subtlest panicked shake of his head to indicate that now was not the time. At least Nick was wearing a shirt, god .

“Uh, Mr. Nelson,” Charlie said, noticing Carmen’s eyes narrowing at him across the room. “Sophie - you remember Sophie - was just talking with me and my boss Carmen about some questions she has about the camp, and we thought, if you have a few moments, you might be able to help relieve some of her anxieties?” Charlie was using his Work Voice, and he watched in fascination as Nick realized the context of the situation in Charlie’s office, brushing his hair out of his eyes, standing straighter, and wiping a bead of sweat off of his brow, while he also fought not to lose his mind with Charlie’s authoritative tone.

“Hey, yeah! Hi Sophie, nice to meet you, Carmen,” Nick said, his voice higher-pitched and more expressive than normal. “I’m happy to help you - what kind of questions do you have?” Charlie handed his phone to Sophie and sat down across from her at his desk, listening as Sophie barreled through a completely new set of questions (“What time will lunch be every day? Do you know if they have gluten-free bread available? What exactly is the difference between a screw and a nut? And do you think I’ll end up using a wrench at any point?”), answering each one patiently and concisely. Charlie opened his computer and shot off a quick email. 

     From: Charles Spring

     To: Nicholas Nelson

     Nick,

I wanted to express my gratitude for you taking the time to speak with my student Sophie about her concerns related to next week’s Habitat summer camp. You certainly have a way with young adults, and I look forward to seeing you in action next week. Please let me know if there’s any way I can express my gratitude to you for your efforts.

     Warm regards,

     Charlie

Ten minutes later, Sophie had calmed down enough to head back to class, Carmen had left with a quizzical look at Charlie ( ‘Note to self - don’t do anything during the next month that anyone could construe as flirty.’ ), and Nick had sent back a photo of himself with his hand splayed across his heart, his other one raised in a big thumbs up. Charlie quickly took a photo of himself pointing at his head with his eyebrows raised and shot it back to Nick, who responded seconds later with a looped video of his hand wavering back and forth.

_______________

He had been so focused on getting through the last two weeks of work that before he knew it, it was the night before he left for Philadelphia and Charlie still hadn’t figured out where he’d be living for the month. Obviously, his first week would be spent in the Temple dorms as a camper (if Nick had assigned Sophie as his next door neighbor Charlie was going to to call the whole thing off), but the remaining three weeks were still up in the air. He wasn’t too concerned; he could always stay in Tori and Michael’s spare room if he needed to, though he hated the idea of kicking Tori out of her office. He could even crash on Tao and Elle’s couch if things got really desperate, though his back made a strong argument against it (‘ Think about me! I keep you upright!’ - Charlie’s back) . Plus, with the generous stipend for living expenses, he could even post up in a hotel while he searched for longer term accommodations.

“You could stay with Nick,” Isaac said, always willing to jump into his favorite position as a Grade A Meddler (and voice of the audience 🤭). Isaac was actually the only person who knew what was going on with Nick and Charlie, having heard half of their conversation, and he and Charlie spent many evenings brainstorming ways to ‘get Nick to pounce,’ using Isaac’s phrasing. Some of his ideas were actually fantastic - when Nick mentioned on a FaceTime call one evening that he’d pulled a muscle in his back at work, Isaac’s eyes positively gleamed when he came up with the idea of scheduling a sports massage for Nick the next day.

 “I don’t think staying with Nick is a good idea,” Charlie said, even though he actually thought it was a very good idea. “I need to honor Nick’s brain.”

“I think you should honor your dick,” Isaac said with a giggle. 

“ Isaac !” Charlie said, clutching a pair of imaginary pearls around his neck. 

“Sorry, sorry,” Isaac said through a laugh, eventually letting out a weary sigh. “Who am I going to tease when you’re gone?” 

“Just call me when you’re feeling needy,” Charlie said with a smile, noticing that Isaac had turned pensive, washing the same dish for several minutes as he stared out the window. “Isaac?”

“Hm? Oh, right, sorry,” Isaac said, handing the plate over for Charlie to dry. “I do have a question, though.” 

“What’s up?” Charlie asked, feeling a twinge of anxiety behind his chest. Isaac rarely brought up topics that felt heavy around the edges.

“You…you are coming back at the end of the month, right?” he asked eventually, handing Charlie another plate to dry. 

“What? Yeah, of course,” Charlie said, surprised by the question. He hadn’t considered not coming back, not even once. In fact, he spent more time thinking about how hard coming back was going to be than he probably should have, considering he hadn’t even left yet. “Come sit,” he said, jerking his head toward the living room, sensing the serious direction the conversation was headed. They settled into their usual positions on opposite ends of the couch with Charlie’s legs draped across Isaac’s lap.