Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Turns out…

Death was harder to recover from than what it seemed. Tony had always thought that death was only physical. That if you escaped that, got your heart beating again somehow, you’d be okay. That everything would be okay if only you made it through. He had thought of death as a physical thing. An obstacle, which he would face at some point inevitably, possibly sooner rather than later because of his profession.

But he’d never thought of the mental aspect of it. The social aspect.

If anything he’d never figured it’d be like this. This… hard. He realized, when he snapped, that this was going to break some hearts of course, but he didn’t think he’d be there to see said broken hearts – which, turns out, was the hard part.

You see, if you’re not alive to see it, you can pretend it didn’t happen. You don’t have to witness the hurt you cause when you go. It won’t hurt you. Well, it did hurt for a moment – it hurt like hell.

It hurt when he heard Peter cry for him. It hurt when Pepper had told him to let go. To let himself rest.

Of course, he couldn’t. He never could. Rest.

Also, turns out… Death wasn’t good nutrition for a relationship. Especially not when said relationship was probably the most unhealthy known to the public. He and Pepper had broken up more times than he’d kept track off. Getting in that relationship had been a risk. Getting engaged had been a risk.

Then he lost Peter.

He lost half the people he knew.

And he thanked God, May was gone too, because he wouldn’t know how to tell him that Thanos had taken Peter from her, from them, from him.

But losing Peter hurt the most. Pepper knew that. But it was a tough time. Then Pepper told him that she was pregnant. And that was a light in an otherwise dark world. But Morgan was no replacement for Peter, and she shouldn’t be. She was his flesh and blood, and he loved her like he’d never loved anybody. But he loved Peter. And he lost Peter. And he couldn’t be fully present during Pepper’s pregnancy when he saw Peter’s face turning to dust before his eyes every time he attempted to sleep.

Then he tried again. Tried to make things right. And Pepper let him, even though she knew the risks. Then he died.

Turns out, that was the last straw.

He’d been in the ICU. He’d burnt half his face off. He’d lost his arm – however he’d been gifted a mechanical one from Wakanda. – Golden, like his heart, was what Shuri had said.

And as soon as he was out of the hospital, Pepper had filed for a divorce. He didn’t blame her. They talked about it. And he understood, even though he tried everything to persuade her to stay. But she couldn’t take his suicide missions anymore. She couldn’t do it to Morgan. She wouldn’t let her sit and watch while her daddy went and got himself killed. Of course, Tony tried to promise her that he was done with that. That he’d destroy his suit. That he’d resign. But she didn’t believe him. He wouldn’t have either.

But that hurt like hell.

Letting her go.

It slowed his healing too. The physical part. Doctors said there was some connection. So he had to go back to the hospital again after only a few weeks. He’d lost weight. He’d gotten an infection too.

The mechanical arm would have to wait for a while. Just until he was stronger.

He didn’t know how to be without Pepper.

Chapter Text

Peter hadn’t come to see him since they returned from Titan. Tony didn’t really get it. Peter had come back to life after all seemed lost, and Tony wanted nothing but to spend time with him – look at him, watch him, hear him breathe, anything to make sure he was living – and he’d sort of expected Peter to feel the same way.

But the kid hadn’t visited in the hospital. And he hadn’t returned his calls.

Tony called May instead. He’d wanted to for a while too, but he hadn’t known what to say. After weeks of Peter’s avoidance, he figured he could just ask about the kid.

He called in the evening, so the chances of her being off work were bigger. At first, he’d wiggled his stump, forgetting that he could no longer use his dominant hand, so he had to use the left, and ignore how gravity tugged on the tube his IV port was connected to, as he held the old fashioned, flip phone from the hospital to his ear, hearing it ring a few time.

“This is May Parker.” May said as she picked up.

“Hey May, it’s uh… It’s Tony… Stark.” Tony said, suddenly feeling at loss for words again.

“Oh Tony! Hi! I could’ve sworn I had your number saved…”

“Yeah, this is not my phone, I’m… well, it doesn’t matter… I found your number in the 2018 phone book… figured I’d give it a try…”

“Yeah, it’s crazy how they didn’t cancel our plans in those five years. Luckily they didn’t charge. ” she chuckled awkwardly. “Anyways, how are you? Peter told me what happened up there, in space.”

Her tone suggested she was feeling invasive, but Tony didn’t mind. He’d never been one to tip-toe. He was blunt. Asked what he wanted to asked. At least that had been him before what the news referred to as ‘the blip’.

“Yeah, it’s… Well, I’m in the hospital, but I’m okay.” He told her. Didn’t let too much slip. He wasn’t going to trauma-bump on her. Wouldn’t. Not after everything she’d been through.

“Oh, which hospital? I can have you transferred, if you’d like?” She offered.

“No, it’s fine. I don’t remember the name. But the nurses and doctors here are really nice. They’re taking good care of me.”

“I’m so happy to hear that, Tony.” She said.

“So how’s Peter? I haven’t seen him in a while.” He said, starting to fiddle with his fingers. Once again, the picture of the kid paling in front of him, swaying, telling him he wasn’t feeling good, appeared before his eyes, and he blinked it away, the pictures immediately replaced by tears.

“Yeah, he’s… he’s doing as well as expected, I guess. It’s not easy, coming back after five years, and he’s trying to find his place in the world. Just trying to settle, really. The school let him take some time off. He just went back this morning. He’s with Ned now.”

“Sounds good… Really good. Uh, listen… could you uh… could you ask him to call me? Just on this number. I’ve tried calling and texting from my phone, but the nurses took it, and he didn’t get back to me. I’d really like to see him, if he’s up for a visit?”

“Yeah, I’ll let him know you’ve called, but Tony…” There was a pause. “He just got back into his habits. He’s been back for a month, but you’ve got to understand the challenges he’s been facing since coming back. Everything he saw up there. He… Tony, he had nightmares every night, multiple times a night, for the first three weeks. They scare him, and every doctor’s office was so busy with everyone coming back, that no one was able to see him until last week.”

“Is he uh…?” Tony almost cried. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Is he getting any help?”

“They gave him some medication to help him sleep. They recommended therapy. But no one’s going to understand what he’s been through, you know? He can’t exactly tell the world that he’s Spider-Man.”

She chuckled sadly.

“Yeah… Yeah, I know.”

“It’s been a lot, Tony. It’s been hard for him. And really, I hope he’ll visit you, but he might just need a little time, okay?”

“Okay, yes, but… Listen, it’s okay if he doesn’t want to see me, I-…. I just want him to know, that the Avengers… They’ll have his back, okay? They know him… Not as well as you and I and his friends, but they know what happened, and they can… Maybe it’ll help, is all I’m saying…”

“It’s very kind of you, Tony. Try to find out, which hospital you’re at, okay? We’ll figure something out.”

He nodded even though she couldn’t see him.

“Okay.” He said. “Thank you, May. Take care.”

“Take care, Tony.”

She was the one to hang up. He couldn’t get himself to do it. So he waited for her to. Then he sobbed. He let everything go. Wiped his face with his shaky palm, and buried it there.

Chapter Text

Second day of school, and Peter was falling behind already. He was supposed to have graduated already. And even though he remembered everything that happened five years ago, as if they were yesterday, the classes seemed to be harder now.

Luckily, Ned and MJ also blipped, so they were at least in it together. And Ned knew he was Spider-Man so that must count for something.

Unfortunately, Flash also blipped, so he was still in school with him. Which sucked more than anything.

Peter hadn’t had the energy for anything but school. It was as if Spider-Man still didn’t exist. Like he hadn’t for the past five years. Peter felt so guilty about it. Leaving all the crime behind. Giving up on the neighborhood, he was supposed to protect, but he was so tired.

These few days had started with him being too tired to get out of bed in time and having to skip breakfast in order to get to school before the bell rang. Then school for a solid seven hours, then getting home, laying on his bed for hours until May came home.

And that was exactly how it’d been this day too, except Peter’s endless procrastination was interrupted by a knock on the door. He wasn’t sure if he’d heard correctly at first. He wasn’t expecting anyone, and May would for sure not knock.

He went to open anyways, seeing none other than Steve Rogers waiting at the door.

Suddenly he was very self-conscious of his choice of clothing, blushing as he remembered he was wearing pajamas pants and a loose t-shirt.

“Captain- What are you- what- what are you doing here?” He asked, fiddling with his hands.

“I was in the area.” Steve said with a kind smile. “Thought that it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other, and figured I’d ask if you’d want to get a coffee and catch up?

“I-I don’t drink coffee…”

“Hot chocolate then? My treat?” Steve asked.

“Oh.. Uh.. Alright, I just… Can I go get changed?”

“Of course, Peter.”

So Steve stood and waited for Peter to change, which didn’t take long at all, and then they keyed out, walking to a coffee shop down the road, got their coffees and took a seat.

“So how’ve you been?” Steve asked.

“Yeah, fine.” Peter was only looking at the mug, as he was mixing the chocolate with the whipped cream.

“Yeah? Must’ve been something else. Coming back after five years?”

“Probably not as bad as 70.” Peter muttered.

“Yeah, that took a while to recover from.” Steve chuckled. “But, you can’t measure pain, you know. If you’ve got a headache and somebody else has a migraine, does that make your headache less painful?”

“No.”

“Right. So you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel, no matter how everybody else feels.”

“How’d you get so good at this?” Peter asked, glancing up at Steve.

“I had a support group during those years, for people who’d lost someone. Now it’s turned into a support group for people who came back, and sometimes their relatives too. I’d love for you to come. We’re meeting tonight.”

Peter huffed now, connecting the dots. He pushed away the mug, suddenly not in the mood anymore.

“May sent you.”

“No.” Steve answered. “Tony did. He was worried.”

Now Peter was turned away from him. He’d gotten quiet.

“Peter what happened to you and what you’ve seen, that’s something heavy and it doesn’t just go away like that-“

“I’m just trying to figure it out.”

“Which is great. You should do that. But, Peter, you can ask for help, that’s okay.”

“But everyone else-“

“Hasn’t been through even half of what you have. Remember their pain does not make yours less important.” Steve said, and placed a hand on Peter’s shoulder, squeezing. “Not everyone is Spider-Man.”

“Spider-man doesn’t exist anymore. He lives in a closet and collects dust.” Peter muttered.

“Which is also fine, for the time being. Healing takes time.” Steve’s thumb rubbed back and forth on his shoulder. “I’ll text you the address, and then you decide if you want to go or not. But if you do go, just know, I don’t expect you to speak. I don’t expect you to share. I know it’s hard, when people don’t know who you are. But maybe just listening to what these people have got to say will help? Maybe you’ll relate to something? Maybe it’ll make you feel heard?”

Peter shrugged.

Chapter Text

Peter stood in front of the church, looking down at his phone, double checking that the address was right. Was he late? Early, maybe?

“You came.” A voice said behind him, sounding surprised. Peter turned around startled.

“Sorry,” Steve said, smile on his face. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You’re a little early. Which is great to be honest, I could use some help setting up the chairs.”

“Okay,” Peter said breathing out. “A church though? Really?”

“Well, there’s no lying in the house of God. Figured people would be more honest, if they felt watched by their creator.”

“Didn’t take you as a religious person.” Peter muttered.

“I’m not.” Steve answered. “But some might be. And for those, it might make a difference. Are you?”

“I attend a science high school. What do you think?”

“One don’t have to exclude the other. You can be religious without believing. Sometimes religion is a feeling rather than a fact.”

Peter shrugged. “I’m not religious.”

“That’s fine.” Steve stepped closer to the gate, keying in. “Coming?”

Peter followed him into the great hall. It had been a while since he’d been in a church. A few years at least. The last time was when Ben passed. Suddenly he thought about whether or not May would have ‘buried’ him if she hadn’t blipped too. The thought of her having to lose her nephew too, made tears spring to his eyes.

Yet, he considered it to be worse, if he had made it and she was gone. He wouldn’t know what to do without her.

“Could you pull out about 20 chairs into a circle?” Steve asked. “I’ll make some pots of coffee and tea.”

Peter nodded and started to pull out chairs. People started arriving before Steve had come back, greeting him. Some offered their help. When the coffee and tea was ready, Peter poured himself a cup of tea in a single-use paper cup. Took a seat next to Steve.

“I see we’ve got a few new faces here tonight, so I’ll start by introducing myself. My name is Steve, and I used to have a group for those who lost, but now I also have one for those who came back, which I’m assuming are all of you.” A few people nodded at that.

“This is a safe space, where all of you have something in common, and whether you want to share something or just listen is your choice, whatever you all feel most comfortable doing. Both is a first step towards healing.” Steve smiled kindly, making sure to make eye contact with anyone who was willing. “Sometimes, it can be hard to start a conversation just like that, so I’ll come with a prompt, and you can decide to say something regarding the prompt or something completely different. The prompt is: Something that surprised me, since coming back is…”

“That we got a new president.” One said.

“That there’s a war between Russia and Ukraine.” Another said.

“That we appeared out of nowhere,” One chuckled, probably finding it a bit surreal. “That surprised me. Had to get out of the street real fast.”

“I reappeared in a shop which had closed since the blip, so I was kind of locked in there,” a woman said with a chuckle.

“Unfortunate,” Steve said with a kind smile.

Everyone had different stories of where they appeared. One appeared in the middle of a funeral. Which brought the conversation to whether anyone had had a funeral held for them, some had, some hadn’t.

“The worst part was everything we missed,” A young woman said. “And I don’t mean not voting for the president or something like that, but some of us missed out on major life events in our family. I mean… I came back to learn that my sister had a kid, who I had never met, and my best friend…” Now she got visibly upset.

“Take your time, Ana.” Steve said comfortingly as she wiped her tears.

She took a deep breath and continued: “well, I can’t say for sure that I wouldn’t have done the same thing had the roles been reversed but… he just lost so many people, he couldn’t keep living through that pain…”

“It’s very strong of you to share that Ana. You’ve made great progress.” Steve praised.

Tears pricked at Peter’s eyes. He’d too felt like he’d lost too much sometimes. Most recently with Ben. Back then he’d wanted the easy way out too. But he was Spider-Man and somehow he’d convinced himself that the world needed him, so he stayed.

But… Some people lost a lot of people and had to stay behind. He heard Clint lost his entire family. Peter couldn’t imagine going through that.

Suddenly it became a little harder to breathe. Too hard to swallow the lump in his throat, and he really didn’t want to cry anymore, so he pushed his chair out quickly and rushed out.

“Excuse me,” he heard Steve say, and he sped up his steps, knowing however, that he’d never be able to outrun the super-soldier.

He gasped for air as he came out of the church, letting the tears run freely.

“Peter?” Steve called from behind him. Peter turned around.

“Hey.” Steve said softly, walking closer, opening his arms. Peter stumbled to him, letting Steve envelop him in his arms.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize,” Steve whispered. “It can be a little much sometimes. Recovery doesn’t look the same for everyone.”

“Yeah…”

“You’re going to be okay, Peter.” Steve reassured. “Until then, you’ll always be welcome. Here, at my place, wherever you need. And if this is not for you, then you don’t have to be here.”

“Thank you…”

“No problem. Do you want to wait in my car? I can drive you home when the meeting is over?”

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll see you in about half an hour.”

Chapter Text

”Do you know which hospital Tony’s at?” Peter asked Steve quietly in the car on the way back from the support group meeting.

“Yeah?” Steve replied, letting Peter take his time to get to the point he was making, or the question he was trying to ask.

“Could you take me there?” Peter then asked.

“Sure. You might want to text your aunt to let her know that you’ll be home a little later.”

Peter agreed and texted May, but he almost regretted asking Steve to take him to the hospital. No way out now. It had taken him awhile to gather the courage to go too. He also almost regretted not taking Steve’s offer to accompany him.

So here he was, following a nurse to Tony’s room after visiting hours ended, because apparently Tony had listed him as priority, which seemed to mean that if Peter showed up, he was to see Tony, no matter the time of day.

“He was sleeping last time I checked on him,” the nurse let him know, and Peter just nodded.

They stopped in front of a door, and the nurse gestured to it. Peter grabbed the handle, twisting slowly. He lost his breath when he saw Tony on the bed. Sure enough, he was sleeping, but the look of his injuries were startling, and Peter couldn’t really pin-point why. He looked worse in Peter’s nightmares.

The nurse planted a firm hand on Peter’s shoulder, and he flinched, unprepared for the touch. Then her turned to her, and she smiled apologetically.

“It looks worse than it is,” she said. “The loss of a limb can seem macabre, but it really was the right thing to do. There was no saving it.”

Peter looked back at Tony, taking everything in once more. The bandages wrapped around the stump, which had once been Tony’s right arm. The burns up his neck and face. How he almost looked like a ghost, with how gray his right side looked. How his ear looked like it was almost burned beyond repair.

“How bad is it?” Peter managed to whisper.

“He’s lost some hearing but we’re hoping to recover it, and the burns… well, there’s a lot of dead tissue, but he said he knows a reconstructive surgeon, who’d be able to make it look better, so he won’t let us try anything… Our main priority is the infection, which is almost gone.”

Peter nodded slowly, and the nurse smiled once again, leaving him in the room, closing the door behind him.

It was quiet then… Too quiet. Only the sound of Tony’s breaths and Peter’s steps as he walked to the chair, someone had pulled to the side of Tony’s bed.

He sat, breathing out, dropping his head low. The images of Tony, staring straight ahead, not having even just the ounce of energy if took to look at Peter flashed before his eyes again. The sounds of the irregular heartbeat growing weaker and weaker, pounded in his ears.

Peter’s breath hitched, and he pressed a hand to his mouth to muffle his cries. He couldn’t wake Tony. Tony couldn’t see him like this. Tony needed rest.

“You can rest now…” Peter heard Pepper’s voice whisper in the back of his head.

“No,” he whimpered.

“Kid…?”

Peter froze for a second. Shit. He woke Tony. And he wasn’t sure if he was ready to look him in the eyes. How’d he even go about avoiding that know? He considered bolting, but only for a second, then he realized there was really no escaping this.

He slowly looked up, knowing it was clear that he was crying.

“Hey…” Tony said softly, his eyes soft too. “You came…”

Peter broke down, a sobbing mess. He knew he should have come sooner, and he had let Tony down by not coming. He had been so occupied with coming back, he’d been so busy avoiding the inevitable, thinking that maybe if he put it off, he’d be ready.

“I’m so sorry,” he cried.

“No,” Tony whispered, managing a smile as he reached out to cup Peter’s face, and Peter leaned into the touch as if he’d been longing for the touch.

“I’m sorry…” Peter gasped, nuzzling into Tony’s palm.

“Don’t be sorry. Hey…” Tony’s thumb caressed Peter’s cheek.

“I shouldn’t have woken you…” Peter whispered. “I should’ve been more careful.”

“I’m happy you did.” Tony said. “I wanted to see your face.”

Chapter Text

Somehow the two ended up squeezed into the bed, Tony flat on his back, arm draped around Peter, who had to lay on his side to fit. And they just laid there, Tony’s fingers gently caressing Peter’s shoulder, and Peter’s arm resting over Tony’s middle.

From where Peter laid, if he glanced up, he could only see Tony’s uninjured side. At least if Tony kept looking straight. Which Peter was grateful for, because he wasn’t sure if he’d cry again if he saw the burns.

“What time did you tell your aunt, you’d be home?” Tony asked, resting his cheek on Peter’s head.

“She doesn’t care. As long as I’m here. She’s been wanting me to go, I think…”

“I love that you’re here.” Tony whispered. “Did you bring your medication?”

“How do you know about my medication?”

“That’s not relevant.” Tony breathed in the scent of Peter’s hair, even if Peter hadn’t showered for a few days. Just the scent of Peter, was like roses. “So have you?”

Peter shook his head. “It was a spontaneous idea to come here.”

“Do you think you should go home, so you can take them?” Tony asked.

Peter shook his head again. “I want to be here.”

It was true. Peter had put it off for so long, hoping he could avoid his own emotions, but now that he was laying there, listening to Tony’s breaths, breathing him in, he realized how much he’d been missing. And if he closed his eyes, it was almost like he never left, almost like Tony never got hurt, and he could pretend that this was their old lives. The wasn’t ready to give that up. Not even for a good night sleep. Not even when he was so tired and exhausted as he was.

“Maybe the nurses can find something nice for you.” Tony reached for the red string next to the bed, but Peter grabbed his arm.

“Not yet,” He begged. “I don’t want to sleep yet.”

“Pete, you’re-“

“No.” Peter shook his head. “I’m fine Mr. Stark, I swear.”

Tony glanced up at the string, considering his options, and now Peter could see the burns again. When Tony looked back down at the kid, tears were flooding his eyes.

“I’m fine Mr. Stark, really.” Peter croaked, voice breaking, and he promised over and over and over that he was fine, even when the tears turned to sobs, and he couldn’t keep it together anymore.

“Kid…” Tony hugged Peter just a little tighter.

“I’m fine, Mr. Stark.”

“You really need sleep, kid. You can stay as long as you want, but please go to sleep. You’re so sleep deprived, kid, you could pass for Rocket Racoon with those dark circles.”

The joke managed to squeeze a chuckle out of Peter, and Tony smiled and kissed his head.

“These nurses are really nice, kid, I swear they’re going to make you feel really good.”

So he pulled the string, and it didn’t take long for a nurse to come. When Tony had explained the situation, and Peter reluctantly had let her know which prescription he was on, she went to fetch just a single pill and a glass of water for him.

“I’ll check on you in 30 minutes,” the nurse said, smiling at Tony before leaving.

Within those 30 minutes, Peter was deep in his sleep, and when the nurse came back, she had found one more bed, and wheeled it into the room.

“I thought I’d bring a bed for him. He really should sleep there, so you can get some rest too.” She said.

“Sure. I’ve lost sensation too. Could you…?”

“Of course,” she said, scooping Peter into her arms, laying him gently on the other bed, tucking him in.

“How is your pain?” She asked. “Do you need anything?”

“Just something mild so I can sleep better would be great.” He smiled tiredly.

“Of course, Mr. Stark,” she said and injected a painkiller into his IV-port. “Sleep well, Mr. Stark.”