Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Miguel watched over Dez's shoulder as he tinkered with the camera. He was making adjustments to the settings but Miguel couldn't even tell what difference they were making. But he didn't doubt Dez knew what he was doing, only watching his fingers press into the various different buttons.

Right next to them, Rayna and Mikey were standing over a pit in the ground. A shallow grave is what Dez had called it, though Miguel could not see a whole person fitting in there. Regardless, it was what they were instructed to dig.

"Alright, Bugs you're up" Dez lifted his face from the camera and everyone else's eyes shifted to Mikey. Miguel noticed how his whole body trembled for a second but his face didn't display the discomfort he was certainly feeling. All of them knew Mikey wouldn't complain, especially not to Dez. They had agreed to this, afterall.

Mikey swallowed harshly, first laying down a plastic sheet, followed by laying down himself. Rayna grinned, as if burying someone was of huge pleasure to her. She stuck the shovel head into the nearby dirt pile, which had formed when digging the grave up. She was waiting for Dez's signal.

When he had fully laid down in the pit, Dez started instructing Mikey on position. At times he'd get on his knees and pose Mikey's limbs himself. When he was finally positioned as he wanted, Dez nodded to Rayna and she started throwing the dirt and gravel over Mikey.

Miguel watches as Mikey was slowly buried, only limbs and half of his face sticking out of the ground. When he first pitched it, Miguel didn't understand how Dez's idea would ever work. And getting buried alive didn't sound enjoyable, even if only partially. But, as Dez and Rayna molded the mound of dirt around Mikey's body, it really started to take shape.

When the two of them were done, Rayna brought out the bag of flowers she had picked. There was a whole range of species and colors. Dez dug through the bag, bringing out the colors he knew would fit Mikey. Miguel was still in awe of Dez's ability to mix and match colors.

Arranging the flowers, Dez finally started to take pictures. It took a while until he was finally satisfied with the shots he got and then they had to work to dig Mikey. He couldn't even pause to clean himself off because they were swiftly moving on to burying Rayna. It was an ambitious project for Dez's portfolio, but whatever made the eccentric man happy, the group did.

"Are you sure these will be good enough?"

Dez asked, pushing himself away from the pc, his chair rolling back and hitting the wall of the room. Miguel raised his head and squinted at the pictures on the monitor's screen. The pictures they had taken only a few days earlier had taken a completely new shape, through subtle editing they looked more like godly paintings, though it wasn't over the top.

"Dez you've been planning this project all summer. I'm certain it will be enough" Miguel emphasized, staring at the masterpieces that illuminated the screen. Dez let out a deep sigh and stared at the ceiling for a few seconds.

"I guess you're right .. I can't even think of anything else to add"

He lowered his gaze back onto the pc screen. This project had taken so long, he just had to get in right? Usually he wouldn't waste so much time on a project but everything was on the line. He didn't have a backup plan.

A hand braced his shoulder.

"You'll get in. We'll all get in, Dez"

Mikey stared at the letter in his hands. It couldn't be. His eyes scanned the text over and over again. He felt tears rolling down his cheeks and hitting the paper, but he couldn't react.

' … after careful consideration we have unfortunately decided to reject your application to our institute. we wish you a wonderful journey in … '

He had been rejected.

Bouts of spasms overtook his body. He had a tendency to start shaking whenever faced with bad news and certainly this was bad news. He was supposed to go to this school. He needed to go to this school.

Panic started to set in. He already had a job lined up. He already had signed the lease. He had been so confident, so certain he'd get in. Sure, the theoretical part of the entrance exam had been difficult but he'd hoped his portfolio would make up for it. He'd worked the entire summer on those paintings. This couldn't be happening.

The letter fell to the floor as his palms quickly covered his face. Quiet sobs rolled off his tongue. Mikey knew crying wouldn't fix anything. And yet, he couldn't do anything else. He had no idea what he was going to do.

"FUCK YEAH"

He heard Dez's yell of excitement from the other room. The walls in their new apartment were not too thick. It made Mikey's stomach sink deeper. Of course Dez had been accepted, he worked harder than anyone else. And Miguel would have been accepted too, Mikey had seen his work.

All he hoped was that they'd forget Mikey applied too. That they wouldn't check on him.

But the door to Mikey's room soon slammed open and Dez shot through, Miguel following quietly behind. But the moment the two saw Mikey's face, the atmosphere dropped. His were probably puffy and red by now, there was no hiding that he was rejected.

"Mikey … I'm so sorry"

Was all that Dez managed to get out when he knelt to his knees and pulled Mikey into a hug. Mikey buried his face into the shoulder of his hoodie, breathing in his scent. It quickly calmed his spasms but he couldn't stop crying. He snaked his arms around Dez, holding onto him as if, when he'd let go, the whole world would fall away.

Miguel kneeled down next to them, not speaking a word. They all sat there on the floor, maybe for a few minutes and maybe for an hour. Eventually, Dez pulled from their embrace and wiped Mikey's tears with his thumb. There was so much sympathy in his face, something you didn't come across too often.

"Hey, let's grab some take out. We can talk about it later" he spoke, not higher than a whisper, as if his voice could bring Mikey over the edge again.

It felt wrong walking the college campus without Mikey.

This school was Mikey's idea. It was this campus they first had walked together, Mikey excited to show them around. It had been his dream school for so long, Miguel couldn't even remember where it started. And yet there they were. Going to a school Mikey had picked, without Mikey there.

Miguel was a visual arts major. Mikey wanted to be a visual arts major. Miguel felt his stomach sink deeper and deeper. Really, this whole ordeal was his fault. Maybe if he hadn't applied, Mikey would've been the one walking into the school gates. Mikey would've been the one greeting his new classmates. Instead it was Miguel, walking into a foreign classroom.

He took the seat in the farthest corner of the room. The anxiety was raging in his stomach but he did his best not to show it. Dez did always say he had an excellent poker face.

"Hey"

A voice disturbed Miguel's thought's and his eyes shot up. Someone was standing next to his table. He squinted up at the newcomer. They had long, dark hair, so straight it seemed unnatural. The dark locks were interrupted by two streaks of red, framing their face. Their lips were pierced and their eyes decorated with deep, dark eyeshadow.

"Do you mind if I sit here? The other furthest seats are taken"

Miguel only managed a nod and the stranger took their seat next to him. Miguel scanned their movements as they placed a sketchbook and their phone on the desk. It was hard to focus on anything in particular due to the sinking pit in his stomach and the rising knot in his throat but he did notice the strangers eccentric bracelets. Many colors and shades decorated their wrist, seemingly reaching under the jacket they were wearing. Did they make those themself?

He didn't realize he'd been staring when his eyes caught the strangers again "My name's Joey. What's yours?" They asked.

Anxiety shot through Miguel's body like a harsh bolt. His lips felt heavy and he felt goosebumps running up his spine. Immediately his skin was covered in sweat. But Joey was staring at him with such curious eyes, he felt bad leaving him hanging. Instinctually, Miguel started signing.

A palm raised to his chest. Two fingers tapping against each other. For a second Miguel's mind blanked. He wasn't used to spelling letters that often. He raised his eyes to meet Joey's for a second, which seemed to be sparkling with a soft excitement. Miguel didn't understand the source of this emotion, but it calmed the storm raging inside him.

He raised his fist, scrunching the fingers together. "M" He saw Joey nod slightly. Then, he returned to a fist, raising the pinky "I" Thumb and index pointed inwards "G" Two fingers raised up, palm facing Joey "U" Raised fist "E" Index pointing up, thumb pointing outwards "L"

"Miguel…" He heard Joey's voice before he had even let his arm fall onto the desk. Another wave of relief washed over Miguel as it was confirmed Joey knew ASL. His smile brimmed with excitement that Miguel hadn't ever seen in reaction to sign language.

"Sorry, I'm not used to casually meeting people who know sign as well" Miguel could hear the appreciation in Joey's voice. In a few seconds Joey raised his palm to his face and tapped the middle finger to his chin. Then, he raised his index fingers and moved them in a circular motion.

"Prefer sign?"

Miguel could jump from joy. Not only was Joey someone who understood sign, he knew how to. Joey was patiently waiting for an answer and Miguel didn't want to leave him hanging.

He raised his middle and index together, as well as his thumb and pressed them together. After he raised his palm and stabbed his thumb towards his chest.

"No. Fine"

Joey nodded once again and offered Miguel one of his earbuds "You want to listen to some music with me?" He asked and who was Miguel to deny.

Joey's company was pleasant.

They liked the same genre of music. They liked similar artists. Miguel admired Joey's passion for the post-impressionist movement. Joey was amazed by Miguel's love for abstractionism. They could communicate with or without words. Miguel felt like he couldn't have found a better friend on the first day. And yet, that pit of guilt in his stomach remained.

Mikey should be Joey's friend.

Miguel was pulled out of his thoughts by a rough grab on the shoulder. Raising his eyes, he met Dez's face. "Dude. These classes are AWESOME"

He exclaimed and Miguel couldn't help but smile. At least Dez was enjoying himself. He dropped his lunch tray next to Miguel's and sat himself down and immediately started rambling about how fun his classes had been. Miguel loved his ramblings. He could already feel the pit in his stomach forming. He wouldn't be able to speak at lunch, either.

But that didn't matter much. Nobody bothered him and Dez as they finished up their lunches and made their way out to the gardens. A beautiful orchard stretched out in front of their eyes. The trees were full of apples and so was the ground, it was fall after all.

The duo made their way around the orchard, walking in circles and talking about sweet nothings. The conversation quickly passed from how their day had gone to general interests to anything that was on the other's mind. After the lunch break Miguel reunited with Joey and Dez ran off somewhere with his new friends - a man with sunken dark eyes and black hair and a taller man with messy dark blond hair.

When Miguel returned home, alone because Dez had already set up a hangout, he could tell there was tension in the air. But their apartment was cold and quiet. He stepped over boxes of empty make out and dirty clothes. Rayna had been too busy with her classes starting to clean up. And she was really the only one who kept up with the cleanliness.

Well Mikey did too. But he was probably still in his room. He barely left his room, only to pick up food and maybe shower. Miguel felt horrible for him. He should be here. He still didn't understand how he made it but Mikey didn't, his portfolio had been so much more impressive.

Entering his room, Miguel twisted around and thrusted his fist into the wall. The impact wasn't too powerful, it barely left a dent, but it sent nerve signals up Miguel's knuckles. For a second he stared at his palm, it was an unnatural green color while his fingers had recently turned dark. This wasn't out of the ordinary. His knuckles had been black ever since Mikey's rejection.

He fell back onto his bed. There wasn't much room in his … room. Just enough for a bed, a desk and a small closet to keep all his clothes in. Unlike Mikey's or Dez's room, he at least had a window. It was not a great view, just a window to the alleyway. But it was at least something. Once again Miguel thanked his rock paper scissors win against the others as he opened the window and leaned out.

He watched the small alley as he dug around in his bag for a cigarette. Smoking up his room wouldn't be productive. He wasn't addicted but smoked at least a few times a week. He just couldn't stand the smell of a smoked up room. As he leaned out the window he watched the cats fight over some small bit of food. Poor things, he should probably purchase some cat food for them, their scrawn was too much even for Miguel.

As his thoughts wandered he noticed a commotion at the end of the alleyway. He leaned slightly out to see three people flooding in. At the front was a shorter man with short fuzzy hair and an expression of mischief. Behind him, two taller men walked, one with long, curly hair and a stick for a nose piercing and the second one with dirty blonde dreads and a beard.

The man with curly hair raised his hand to Miguel "Hey man! Wanna come hit the skate park with us"

"You still feel bad for it?" Dino asked as Miguel put on his rollerblades. He only managed an empty nod towards Dino as he stood to his feet. Dino played with one of his long strands of hair as he stared off into the distance, thinking. "It's really not your fault. All of you applied, he'll probably have better chances next year. I also had to apply twice. Nothing's lost on him"

Miguel only shrugged in response. Even if what Dino said was right, he still couldn't shake the guilt that sat in his stomach. Ever since they got the letter, Mikey had walled up into his room. He had barely spoken to him but from what words they had exchanged, Miguel could tell he wasn't doing well. Who knows when he's gonna get out of his own mind again.

"It's a shame," Mauz yelled from the top of the ramp. He'd climbed up with his skateboard "I miss him, i love his tricks" he yelled as he stepped on the front of his board and rode down on the ramp. Mauzz loved skateboarding more than any of them. And Mikey was a damn good skateboarder.

Miguel shrugged "Hopefully he'll forgive us and won't stay locked in too long … he probably misses you too, Mauzz" He then stood to his feet and rode up the smaller ramp with his rollerblades. He was only a beginner, nothing compared to the way Rayna or Dez rollerbladed. Still, he enjoyed the sport.

"Hey Meegs" Mauz shouted, again from the top of the ramp. He'd climbed back up "I dare you to skate up here" Miguel hesitated for a second. He hadn't ever tried to even climb up the bigger ramp, he preferred just doing circles and the small ramps. Still he'd seen Rayna and Dez do it enough times. He needed to start somewhere.

"Maybe not, maybe you'll hurt yourself" Todd spoke up for the first time since they got here. He had been calmly smoking a cigarette to the side. Miguel shook his head "Don't worry Todd, I'll be fine. I gotta start somewhere" He grinned towards the taller and raced towards the ramp.

He lost his ground almost immediately.

He didn't even see Todd rushing up to him and helping him sit. His vision blacked in and out. He must've fallen on his head because within seconds he passed out in Todd's hands.

When he woke, he could hear Todd arguing with Mauz. Or, rather, lecturing him. "You know he isn't at your level yet. He could've gotten seriously hurt. Plus he's malnourished. Anyone could see that. You should think about what you say and-" Only then did Dino notice that Miguel was awake now "Pipe it down. He's awake, he doesn't have to hear your motherly lectures"

Todd turned around to face Miguel, his face sown with worry. "And you. Meegs how many times do we have to tell you that beating yourself up, literally, won't do you any good? You'll just be weak all the time. Can you even write with your right hand?"

Miguel sat up, immediately fighting off an intense headache. He raised his hand to rub his nose and only then did he notice the bandages wrapped around his arm. He bit his inner cheek, realizing he was in his t-shirt rather than the red hoodie he had come in. They'd all seen the bruises littering his arms.

"Yeah I can write just fine" Miguel pulled his knees to his chest. He didn't want to talk about it, not here, not now. But he knew Todd was persistent, especially when it came to his friend's safety. "You promised us you'd quit. Hurting yourself like this won't get you anywhere" Miguel stared blankly at his knuckles. They'd just begun turning black.

Dino shook Todd by the shoulder "Leave the kid alone for now, he's been going through a lot. You know what getting clean is like" The last bit came out more as a whisper. Todd took a deep breath but nodded to Dino's words "Fine, you're right just. Be careful, Meegs. This can only end badly" With that, the taller man ran his hand through Miguel's hair.

Things would be fine. The bruising wouldn't continue forever.

When Meegs got home he could smell food coming from the kitchen. Hunger that he didn't know he had rumbled in his stomach. Throwing his skates and shoes to the side he quietly entered the kitchen. Dez didn't cook and Rayna had been way too busy. It could only be one person that was cooking.

Standing at the stove was Mikey, Miguel could see the eyebags under his eyes and his unkempt green hair poking in all directions. He was wearing all black clothes and seemed laser focused on the dish he was preparing. Miguel snuck up on him. Surely he wouldn't mind a hug or two.

Chapter Text

An alarm rang at the side of Johannes' bed. A long spindly arm reached out from under the sheets and pressed the off button. A few seconds of waiting and up he sat. Wearing his old crumpled "Kiss" t-shirt that he had been using as sleep wear ever since he was eleven.

Two legs stretched out from under the sheets and he made his way to the bathroom. Every day he woke up at the same time and every day he stared into the mirror at the sunken eyes and messy hair. His hair always looked like a rats nest. He leaned over the sink and washed his face. Surely that would help him wake up.

And really it did. Already feeling refreshed he took his favorite old wooden brush and started running it through his hair. At first it got caught over and over again but he just pushed through and soon it was running through his hair with ease. After brushing through he grabbed the toothbrush and started brushing his teeth.

His morning routine was the same every day. After washing his face he applied some concealer to his face and added his favorite red eyeshadow under the eye and black eyeliner. He didn't like going out without it. After putting on his glasses he walked out of the bathroom to get dressed.

His outfit was really quite simple, just a black turtleneck with grey jeans and a grey blazer. His friends always commented on how similar all his looks were but Johannes didn't pay much mind to it. He enjoyed the routine and only put on something extra on special days.

Grabbing his bag off the chair next to his bed he headed into the small kitchen. He couldn't eat anything after all the sharp mint taste of his toothpaste still lingered in his mouth. But he pulled a small box out of the fridge - the weekend's leftovers. A plate full of pasta and some dumplings. He shoved the box's contents into a lunchbox and put it in his bag.

He headed towards the door, pulling his phone out of his pocket and ringing up John. He was meant to call him every morning so they could check up on each other. Plus today was a very big day.

"Good morning sunshine" Johannes spoke in a chipery voice, the joy of hearing his best friend through the phone being enough to light a spark in his eyes. A mumbling was heard on the other end, John clearly hadn't still gotten out of bed. The thought made Johannes giggle to himself.

"Mrrghh good morning Johannes" a tired voice spoke on the other end. Johannes was sure he'd stayed up all night doing something stupid like reading obscure wikipedia articles on games he wasn't even planning to play. It was just typical John. Though on the first day of college not even Johannes dared to stay up like that. He'd taken his medicine and slept soundly.

"Wakey wakey today's a big day!" Johannes laughed into the receiver which received a low grumble and a "shut up" Johannes made his way down the stairs of the apartment building he was in and walked his way to the bus stop. His long legs helped him pick up the pace although there was nowhere to rush. Johannes would be early.

"Aren't you excited? We'll get to meet new people! It's going to be awesome" Johannes' voice was filled with optimism though deep down he knew this would be just another source for anxiety. So many people that he's never met, he'll have no idea what they're like. The thought alone brought shivers up his spine.

"So many people that we don't know" John spoke Johannes' thoughts out loud "I got lucky, me and Tim are in the same class. You guys however … I'm most worried about Henrik. I know you haven't seen him in a while but he's been absolutely terrified of the first day. I think he's losing hair over it"

Johannes bit down on his lip. John was right. Jonas would find friends instantly. John and Tim had each other. Johannes would manage. But Henrik would be a different question, Johannes didn't want him to end up isolated. He usually was and he didn't enjoy meeting people but it would be sad if he was stuck like that. Johannes shook his head. Henrik could manage. He's an adult, there was no real reason to worry.

"He's gonna be okay, people are much kinder than we give them credit for. And if not, we'll see him at lunch anyways. It's gonna be okay" He reassured John although he didn't believe his own words. The two of them spent the time idly chatting about one topic or another until the bus arrived at which Johannes hung up. Talking over the phone on the bus would be embarrassing.

He stepped on the bus and felt a wave of relief wash over him as he saw his favorite seat hadn't been taken. It was a seat that stayed empty most of the time but there was always the slight chance. He took his seat and plugged in his earphones. He was off on his first day. It was more exciting than it should be.

Johannes had already been to the building where their new classes would be taking place. He insisted the group would explore together and familiarize themself with the environment so at least they wouldn't get lost. The rest had begrudgingly agreed but now their knowledge was coming in handy.

Locating his class wasn't too hard and when he stepped into the room it felt like fresh air hit his face. It was time for a new year and he was more ready than anything.

The classroom was quite empty at first. Johannes had arrived quite early, there were only two other students in the class. They were bundled up in the corner of the room and seemed content with keeping to themselves. Neither of them lifted their eyes to meet Johannes. But he tried not to pay attention to it. Instead he took a seat near the front of the classroom and pulled out his notebook. If there was no one to talk to he might as well do some journaling.

As Johannes sat and worked the classroom slowly filled up. But no one quite piqued Johannes' interest. That is, until a certain blonde sat next to Johannes. "Hey, what are you writing?" He had long curly hair and a side shave. His eyes were slightly drooped and starching blue. He wore red lipstick and a kind smile.

"Oh, nothing much. Just journaling" Johannes smiled and closed his notebook. This stranger didn't need to see what he was writing plus he seemed quite kind. It wouldn't hurt to talk to him.

"Journaling hm? My girlfriend does that too. She's in this class too! My name's Tim by the way. Tim Sköld" He extended his hand which Johannes took im his own and shook with a smile "Johannes Eckerström"

Tim's eyes widened slightly. It seemed like he was thinking for a few seconds. "Wait, are you Swedish perchance?" He asked in a shocked tone. Johannes thought to himself for a second and suddenly felt excitement bubbling in his stomach. Sköld was quite a Swedish surname.

"Du är inte svensk också?!"

This caused a laugh to ring out from Tim's throat. Johannes felt joy overtake him, what are the chances? The two started conversing with each other, this time in Swedish due to them both seeming more fluent in their mother tongue. From this conversation Johannes discovered Tim was an American citizen for a few years now since his family had moved here. Intern Johannes explained moving here alone, only for his friends to follow.

The two of them had spent the early minutes of the class conversing when Johannes spotted someone walk into the classroom in the corner of his eye. In his head. They sported a confidence Johannes hadn't seen in a while and their hair was done up in a ponytail and Johannes noticed red highlights peeking through. They were wearing dashing red make up and had a labret piercing.

When they spotted Tim they immediately made their way over and leaned over their desk to hug him. This earned a giggle from both Johannes and Tim. The embrace continued for a few seconds and soon the person pressed a kiss to Tim's forehead. Only then did it click to Johannes. This must be his girlfriend.

Tim soon confirmed the allegation Johannes had formed in his head "Johannes, meet my girlfriend, Acey. Acey this is Johannes" Acey smiled as she looked at Johannes and stretched out her hand. Johannes shook it sternly and remarked what a good grip she had on his palm.

"Nice to meet you" She smiled and Johannes could see Tim melting. This man really did love his girlfriend. "I'm glad to see Tim making friends. Oh by the way," she reached back into her bag and pulled out a small bracelet "remember to elect me to the school council. Take this as a token of my appreciation" She handed Johannes the bracelet. Johannes could feel the joy exploding from his stomach.

After a small chat Acey headed off to meet the rest of the class. She seemed determined and Johannes could admire that. Tim also seemed to be enthralled by her, although she didn't quite seem to return the enthusiasm. It was a curious detail, one that Johannes decided to keep in mind.

Johannes spent the rest of the day talking to Tim. With small interruptions from Acey to say hi and check up on how they were doing, Johannes completely forgot that he had other classmates. He did make a note that his class was a collection of unique people who already had started corrugating. Johannes loved people watching.

Lunch was nearing and Johannes finally decided to ask the question "By the way Tim … would you want to join me for lunch? The rest of my friends would love to meet you, I'm sure.. you can bring Acey too, the more the merrier!"

A small light appeared in Tim's eyes but he soon shrugged "No can do unfortunately. And it's not because of Acey but it's due to a friend of mine. It hates being alone and lately it's been sticking to me like glue."

Johannes tilted his head. Until now Tim hadn't mentioned this mystery person he was hanging out with "You can bring them too! Again, the more the merrier!" He smiled, praying that Tim would accept the offer. He wanted to introduce him to the rest

But in return he only received a small smile "Oh, it doesn't like meeting new people. And it doesn't like crowds. I know there's quite a few of you guys. It would get mad at me if I brought it to a new group where it doesn't know anyone. Sorry" Tim sighed.

Johannes tried to fight the disappointment in his chest. "Awe big shame …. Maybe another time? If i get to meet them maybe they'll warm up to the idea" Johannes tried to stay positive. There was always still the chance of course.

Tim smiled "Maybe. But you never know with Nero" Johannes nodded. He didn't know this "Nero" person or why Tim had been calling them by "it" . Isn't that quite demeaning? Still he wasn't quite used to english customs so he decided to not mention it.

"Oh and by the way" Johannes spoke up again, this time having a different question on his mind "Can I call you by Sköld instead? Since one of my friends is also Tim"

Johannes waited to see his friends at the table he'd picked out. Surely they would spot him, he wasn't too far from the entrance. First came Tim and John both laughing about something undiscovered to Johannes. Then Jonas arrived and finally Henrik, looking as tired as he usually was.

But Johannes didn't note Henrik's half awake state. No, instead he noticed something sitting on Henrik's plate. "YOU GOT ICE CREAM?" before he could catch it, a roar broke from Johannes' throat and he quickly covered his mouth. He couldn't ignore the dissatisfaction that crawled onto Henrik's face.

He could feel his face turning red "Sorry-" he whispered and Henrik only rolled his eyes in return "It's fine. Yeah there was an ice cream machine at the very back but there's a long line …. My um … friend …. Insisted" Johannes could feel his eyes lighting up again. Henrik had made friends! This was excellent news.

"A friend? Our Henrik making friends so quickly?" Tim asked Johannes question before he could embarrass them with another loud yell. Henrik blushed furiously at being addressed and started playing with a lock of his messy hair.

"She's so sweet … her hair is curly like mine and she's quite tall … we were put in a pair for a project and something about her well … we clicked you know … it's never happened like this before" Henrik was just barely audible but the excitement in his voice was palpable. A collective relief washed over the group.

"Oh what's her name?" John asked "You could've definitely asked her to sit with us, you know we wouldn't've minded" Johannes noticed Henrik didn't get as embarrassed when John addressed him like it had happened with Tim. Henrik only shrugged and sighed.

"Her name's Gidget … she said she to go sit with her old friends although I don't think they're too good friends … a shadow passed over her face when talking about them … they didn't seem too nice to her either but i didn't wanna press … a no is a no"

Tim and John glanced at each other. An unkind friend group wouldn't be the best of signs. And they'd definitely welcome Gidget into their group after all if Henrik liked someone it was likely the rest of the group would too. Maybe they could convince her to ditch them for them? Only time could tell.

"I made a new friend too!" Johannes enthusiastically spoke up, not thinking two thoughts about Gidgets friends or if he did, he didn't let the others know. "And guess what, he's swedish!"

Walking towards the exit of the lunchroom Johannes noticed Sköld talking to someone. The figure was shorter than him and had black, side swept hair and eye make up that seemed a bit too excessive for school. The figure didn't seem to be dressed appropriately for an early autumn day, sporting layers and layers of jeans and leather. Still Johannes tried not to pay any mind to this.

He jumped at Sköld from behind, almost sending the victim down onto his conversation partner. But he simply laughed and turned to say hi to Johannes. But the black haired figure interrupted before he could even say anything.

"Careful you moron! Can't you see I'm literally standing there? You could've sent us both tumbling down!" Their voice was deep and harsh and Johannes could see the lightning in their eyes. An embarrassed heat climbed up to Johannes face.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to- '' Johannes started but Sköld shushed him with one look. "Nero calm down, clearly he wouldn't've brought me down. Can you relax a little?" Sköld rolled his eyes. There was a strange tension between the two, clearly they were friends but to what extent? Johannes decided not to speculate too much.

"Johannes, this is Nero … the friend i told you about … it's in a bit of a mood today don't let it get under your skin" Sköld smiled and suddenly Johannes started to feel better. His smile was gentle and sweet, an encouragement. And Nero too seemed to calm down, even if just a little bit. They nodded at Johannes, then leaned up to whisper something to Sköld and soon were off. Johannes looked after them, intrigued.

"Sorry about that. What's our next class?"

Johannes washed his face in the sink. He'd just gotten home after a long day of walking, he could already feel his legs aching. Still this wasn't too bothersome, it was rather relieving. He'd done a lot of work for the first day and was excited to see what tomorrow brings.

He made his way to the bed and fell back into the sheets, opening up his phone and pulling out the small paper which Tim had written his number on. Excitedly, he texted him. Making new friends was Johannes' new favorite activity.

Chapter Text

Dino peered over his balcony onto the dark street. It was around midnight and he should be really sleeping because this was going to be the second day of school, but he couldn't sleep. He was only in his underwear but he was sure nobody was going to see him. He blended into the shadows perfectly.

He rolled his cigarette between his fingers as his thoughts wandered. Was this really all worth it? He'd survived another year and now was heading into a new year of college that he wasn't ready for. All he'd done during the summer was kill time cutting, smoking and shooting up. He wasn't ready for the new year.

Most likely he won't survive until the year's end. Eric was always upset over his plans of certain death but he couldn't do anything about it. He wasn't surviving any longer. Nobody could pull him through his not Mauz not Todd not Eric, although he loved him so much. A small smile crept onto his face as he thought about Eric.

He had seen him earlier that day. They went to one school now after all, hopefully he'd be seeing him around more often. Maybe they could start to have lunch together. Although he was always with that girl Acey. He liked Acey. She was like a ball of light, always so ready for everything. Dino wishes he could have that energy.

"Anthony?" A voice came from behind him, startling him. He turned around to face Todd. "Oh hey um" Dino spoke up. He was so startled by the sudden voice behind him he'd dropped his cigarette. No use in picking it up now, he thought to himself and extinguished the cigarette with his foot. The burn in his heel felt so warm and familiar.

Todd looked very tired. He seemed barely awake as he squinted at Dino and the cigarette he had dropped "Smoking? At this hour? Really?" Dino clenched his teeth. He didn't need a fight, not now. It was too late for something like that "I couldn't sleep" he mumbled under his breath. Todd only shook his head in response.

"You promised you'd cut back on that Anthony. Please go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day" Dino sighed and pushed himself off the balcony heading to his bedroom. Of course Todd had to interrupt his little moment. He'll probably not get a lick of sleep anyways.

Dino only slept for maybe an hour or two when he heard a knock at his door. Todd always woke them up although Dino could already feel the sun shining on his face. He just didn't want to get up.

But he did anyway, pushing himself up and out of bed. His room wasn't big and was stuffed to the brim with stuff. He always had been unclean and in the recent months the clutter in his room had only increased. Every day Todd told him to clean his room and every day Dino ignored it. This always led to fights because the smell was following Dino around. He himself had grown desensitized to it but not Mauz or Todd.

He pulled on a shirt of some defunct crust punk band's t-shirt and ripped jeans. He wasn't going to dress up for his second day of school, even though they were going to have to give the new class a tour. The newbies just weren't worth it.

Dino pushed open the door only to be hit in the face with the smell of pancakes. He scrunched up his nose, the sickly sweet smell was crawling into his nostrils and making him sick. But he tried to shake it off as he sat himself at the table. He was going to eat today, mostly to make up for waking up Todd so late last night.

Mauz was already sitting at the table chatting it up with Todd. He waved at Dino but continued his conversation. He looked awake and ready for the day in stark contrast to Dino. Mauz always slept well, he could sleep through anything and wake up well rested afterwards. Dino envied this trait of his because no matter what he did he couldn't get a good night's sleep.

A plate of sickly sweet pancakes were set in front of him and he started to dig in. The sweetness burnt his tongue and throat but he forced himself to swallow and he washed the bite down with milk. He couldn't let Todd know how much he hated pancakes because that's practically been the breakfast food for the past month. The more time passed the more Dino felt guilty about hating pancakes.

After their meal he helped Mauz clean the dishes and grabbed his bag to head out. They headed to school together but all of them had seperate classes. Dino was in art history and he simply hated his major. He should've gone into visual arts but his self doubt had caught up to him. He couldn't gather the courage to go through the entrance exam.

They soon entered the school and went their seperate ways. Everything felt like a drag to Dino. He walked into class and sat himself in the corner of the room and opened up his sketchbook. He didn't speak to anybody in his class and he preferred it that way. Maybe he'd get some sleep during class.

"Anthony?"

Dino slowly opened his eyes and lazily glanced up above him. It was some girl who's name he didn't even remember. She looked upset.

"We have to go down to the first course, remember?" Oh yeah. Every second course had to greet the first courses and introduce them to the rules of the school and show them around. And of course he had been picked as one of the people who had to go. It shouldn't have been a surprise with his luck.

"Yeah, right" he stood from his seat and followed the girl out of class and to the classroom where they'd be meeting the first course. When walking into the room he could already tell this was going to be tiring. He let the girl take the lead as he knew she was prepared for this.

He only answered questions when directly and didn't speak other than that. At some point one of the student's hands shot up. The girl pointed to them and he smiled. Dino took a second to study the student. He had blue dreads and brown curious eyes. The girl pointed to him and smiled.

"Yes?"

"What's wrong with his arms?"

Dino felt his body freeze up. The girl turned to face him and suddenly he could feel everyone's eyes on him. This wasn't a question that people asked. They usually just took one look at him and either understood completely or were too shy to ask. It felt like this kid was staring right into his soul. He clenched his fist feeling anxiety and anger boiling in his stomach.

"Yeah actually Anthony, I've been wondering too"

The girl turned to him with a smile on her face. Her words felt like sharp needles into his skin. He really really didn't need her encouraging this question. Suddenly it felt like the lights in the class were too bright and the chatter of the students was too loud. He felt sweat run down his back.

"And what do you think?" He managed to push between his teeth. That should imply enough and shut down this stupid kid. The girl suddenly looked uncomfortable and swiftly moved on from the topic. After leaving the room Dino didn't head back to class. He was better off skipping. Especially after that.

Dino pushed his legs against the ground, swinging into the air. He always came to this playground when he was feeling down. He just left all his stuff in class, it wasn't like it was unusual for him to randomly disappear. The teacher had Todd's phone number.

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just be happy? If he was just normal people wouldn't have to ask questions like that. They wouldn't make things so unbearably awkward. He had his friends, he had a boyfriend and a roof over his head. What else could he need?

Suddenly he heard his phone ringing. He fetched it out of his pocket expecting to see Todd but to his surprise it was Eric. He smiled to himself and fumbled to pick up.

"Yes?" He asked, his voice dipped with sugar. He hadn't spoken to Eric verbally in about a week.

"Do you want to have lunch with me today? Acey ditched me for her boyfriend"

Dino bit his lip. He didn't want to go back to the college building. "Why don't you come to the playground? We could grab some kebab and head back to my place. Nobody's gonna be home for a while"

He could hear Eric hesitating on the other line "Dino I don't know … It's the second day I really don't wanna skip. I promised Acey-"

"Oh forget Acey. She ditched you right? What does she care? Come on it'll be fun" The mention of Acey irritated Dino. Eric did everything that woman told him to and even picked her over him. He understood that they were best friends but it often got so frustrating.

"Okay fine … wait for me okay?" Dino fisted husband into the air. He had won. Maybe today wouldn't be so bad.

"Alright, see you soon"

The waiting didn't take that long. When Dino saw that familiar tuft of black and red hair appear over the horizon he jumped out of his swing and rushed towards him, picking him up and spinning him around. He hadn't felt this happy seeing somebody in a while. Eric fell into his arms giggling and clutching onto him for dear life as they spun. Truly nothing was better than each other's embrace.

Finally they separated and Dino pressed a kiss to Eric's forehead. "Are you ready to go?" He asked, a smile plastered on his face. Eric only nodded shyly and spared his beautiful smile. Dino had really gotten lucky.

When in each other's presence they could feel the time flying. It didn't take too long until they were in Dino's apartment, takeout in hands ready to settle in. Eric laid it all out on the table while Dino tinkered with the tv remote, putting on some tv show they had been watching together earlier. Not like either of them cared too much for it but they needed some background noise.

He settled on the couch and wrapped an arm around Eric's shoulder who only smiled in response and spared a small kiss to his lips. This made Dino basically melt into the couch. Eric's kisses were heavenly. He was about to reach his hand forward and deepen the kiss when Eric turned away, turning to his food. Right. They had brought food.

The two of them dug in in silence. Nothing was heard for a few solid minutes other than munching and the buzz of the tv. As expected Dino finished earlier and stood up from the couch. Eric raised his eyes to meet him.

"Do you want a blunt? I think I'll go roll one" Eric only nodded in response wiping the leftover food off the side of his mouth. Dino smiled and kissed his head, heading off to his room. Two blunts wasn't going to be a hard task.

When he returned Eric had finished the food and was sitting criss cross on the couch. Dino settled back next to him and offered the blunt which he gladly took and let Dino light up for him. Smoke fell over Eric's lips and it must've been the most hypnotizing thing Dino had seen all week.

It didn't take long for the two of them to engage in a lively conversation and for that conversation to turn into small kisses and soon Eric was pressed against the couch, pulling on Dino's shirt and Dino's arms were around Eric's waist. They just couldn't get enough of each other.

"Just a second" Dino pulled away for a second, leaving Eric breathless and whining. He smirked and lifted himself off the couch and headed into the other room. When he walked out a small piece of metal sat in his hand - a razor.

"Again? You can't keep doing this Eric!"

Acey poked at Eric's arm, the one which was now covered in band-aids and scratches. Eric only shamefully shooed her away from his arm.

"We- We were just in the middle of something and I couldn't say no and you know how he is and honestly it makes me feel better and sessions with him are always the best"

Eric tried to make excuses for himself, running his hand over his arm. He didn't want to fight about this, not here and not now.

"Really he isn't good for you. Have you heard some of the things he says about life? You can't date a forever pessimist. I mean look at what he's doing to you! Who's gonna love you in this state?"

"He loves me! In every state that I am"

"Puh-lease he is using you because he doesn't have anyone else. You're just easy to use!"

Eric tried to fight the dread in his stomach. He wanted to cry and scream at Acey. He wasn't easy to use, what he and Dino had, it really was love. The way he looked at him, his gentle smile and his beautiful eyes. There was no way what they had wasn't love. Dino wouldn't use him. That wasn't the type of person Dino was.

He hated fighting about his relationship. He didn't understand why Acey was always so upset about it. Sure they would get high and get injured together but Acey shouldn't care. She had enough to care about already and he wasn't one of them. And especially not his relationship.

"Can you please just forget it? This is none of your business" That came off harsher than Eric wanted it to but he really didn't understand why Acey was like this.

"None of my business? None of my business?" Acey squinted at Eric in her patronizing way "Of course it's my business!" She grabbed him by his arm again "You're my best friend. Of course it's my business. I just want him to stop hurting you"

And she looked at him with those eyes. Those eyes full of care and love. Full of a silent plea to stop this. The pit in Eric's stomach deepened as old feelings bubbled up. He was torn between two worlds.

"Let me get this straight," Abbey started, staring at the ceiling. Eric nodded, laying on the floor of their room and staring at the ceiling as well. He loved getting high and talking shit with his roommate.

"Your boyfriend is really into knife play and you let him do that to you but your best friend is really angry at you because you let him do whatever and you can't even turn her down fully because you have a big fat crush on her?"

"Yeah …. WAIT NO I don't have a crush on her!" Eric frantically denied the claim. He didn't know how Abbey had misunderstood what he was saying but he said anything but that.

Abbey just rolled her eyes "Sure, whatever. Well I say it's none of her business. What authority does she have over your relationship?"

"Well that's what I said but then she took it personally I mean she always has been too caring and I guess I get her point but I just …. It makes Dino happy you know. And to an extent it makes me happy. I don't get why it's such a big deal."

Abbey shrugged "This whole thing just seems really stupud for me. Although I think he should cut back on the knife play. That's a lot of band-aids"

Eric only shrugged. He didn't quite know how to explain to Abbey that it wasn't just knife play. It was something more. Something different. Maybe it was hurting him. Maybe it was encouraging an old habit. But what could Eric do about it.

Chapter Text

Abbey missed her.

Everything reminded Abbey of her. The fallen apples on the ground were reminiscent of that earthy red lipstick she used to wear. The orange and red leaves were reminiscent of how much she loved fall. The smell of different pumpkin treats filled her nostrils as she entered a small caffee on the street. The location of countless dates.

The slight hope of seeing her again, sitting in the back of the cafe, sipping on a fresh cup of steaming hot pumpkin latte and snacking on a little dessert cake faded as she walked inside. She wasn't there. Of course she wasn't there. She hadn't been there the last twenty times Abbey checked.

Attempting to not show her dissapointment she made her way to the counter. Facing her was some guy with piercings darting every corner of their face. They seemed vaugely familliar but Abbey had never asked for their name. They always wanted to strike up a conversation but Abbey never indulged. Their questions turned up nonsequetor anwsers and Abbey liked it that way. She wasn't here to make friends.

She waited for them to jot down her order and then made her way to a corner of the cafe. She stared out the window, watching people pass by. A lot of college students. It wasn't surprising, afterall it was after classes. Some students entered the cafe and some skipped right past. Most of them were in groups which nipped at Abbey's heart. She used to have a group like that.

Sure she had friends. Eric was an amazing friend and roommate despite everything. So was Kriz and Gen. But they never hung out together. Not like she used to with her old friends. For a second she allowed herself to miss them. She missed when they would get hammered and Jon would have to drag them all home. She was still on good terms with Jon but they never hung out. He had new friends.

She missed when Sevin would drop by her house to hand off narcotics, for her to instead drag him into her house to shoot up together. She missed the endless lectures from Vlixx about the apocalypse. Was he over that whole obsession now? Was he still with Merritt? She'd seen Merritt around but she always avoided eye contact. It wasn't unlike her but it still frustrated Abbey. They were supposed to be on good terms.

She missed drunkenly applying make up to Columbine's face and giggling at how ridiculous he looked. Col had never gotten the guts to confess to Jon. If things hadn't gone the way they had, would they be together by now? Abbey snickered to herself imagining Columbine in anyone's arms, let alone Jon's. They were such extreme opposites but they made sense. They would've made a cute couple.

But most of all she missed Rotny. Everything reminded her of Rotny. Her laugh, her eyes, her soft, soft hands. Her skin was always so soft. She loved to push her dreads away from her face in this hypnotic, mesmerizing fashion. Abbey could've spent hours simply staring at her. She wanted to spend hours staring at her. She remembered the way her lips tasted on her own and how she felt to lay next to in bed. Abbey hadn't felt that warm and close to anyone. No matter how much she chased it, the feeling never returned. It was like she was missing her other half.

The only thing she didn't miss was Nero. An anger stirred in her stomach at the thought if it. She didn't let herself think about it often because it always resulted in unmatched anger. Nero ruined everything. It had always been a drama queen, seeking it out wherever it could. At first it kept the drama outside their circle, beefing with only people in it's class and starting fights here and there. But with a pension for talking behind everyone's backs and spreading rumours she should've known that it wouldn't take long for it to ruin their friendship.

"Abbey"

A voice snapped her out of her thoughts as the guy behind the counter called out her name. It was probably for the best that her thoughts were interrupted, they never lead anywhere good. Abbey stood to her feet, grabbed her coffee and headed out the door. She had a customer to meet later that day but she really didn't want to. Being one of the only plugs around was exhausting.

She made her way back to the apartment building, passing couples and groups of people. She didn't understand her loneliness. Eric was out with his friends and probably wasn't going back to the room until much later. This left Abbey all alone to ponder her thoughts, taking sips of her coffee.

Her steps felt heavy as she made her way up the stairs, like she was carrying unreasonable amounts of weight on her back. The coffee wasn't doing much to help her groggy mood but she had some homework to catch up to before meeting with her client. She hated seeing them but at least it was easy money. She fiddled with the keys and pressed them inside the keyhole. The door opened to a messy, unkempt room, stuff on both hers and Eric's beds.

She couldn't be bothered to do anything about it. They were used to sleeping in filth and they weren't going to change that soon. Nobody ever wanted to hang out at their apartment because of it and honestly the less people came to it the better, at least that's what Abbey thought. Of course, the mess was a huge talking point for Eric's best friend Acey who Abbey could barely stand. She was Acey's estrogen supplier but that was about all their contact. She was just way too uptight.

Abbey sat herself down at the desk and cracked her knuckles, opening up her laptop. She had classwork to complete, classwork she didn't want to even look at. All the chemistry formulas nipped at her brain and though she understood them it was still frustrating to work on them. More than anything she wanted to lay down and sleep. But what needed to be done needed to be done.

They were in a field. It was a rye field, the long strands of the yellowish blonde plant flowing in the wind. The sun shone on Abbey's face, almost blinding her. It was so warm like a hot summer day. There were no clouds in the sky. It was a picture perfect setting.

In the distance she could see a figure. From afar it was white but the closer Abbey went the more distinct the figure's dark hair, draped over it's back became. Whoever it was, they were the epitomy of beauty, even though Abbey could only see them from behind. They were wearing a white sundress with a yellow belt. The sun hit them just the right way.

The closer Abbey got the more desperate the need to touch this figure became. Abbey needed to embrace them, hold them in her arms and laugh with them. It wasn't a want or a desire it was a need. Like she would crumble in on herself and die if she didn't get to them. But as she went closer the figure started to run. At first it wasn't much of a run, more of a leasurly walk but soon their small steps turned to running.

"Catch me, catch me if you can"

Soon Abbey was chasing the figure. She didn't know why she was so eager to listen to its call but she did. Something was drawing her to it and she had no issue following. They ran through the field, a field that seemed neverending. The figure was fast but Abbey was faster, soon catching up to it and tackling it into the grass.

They fell, both laughing and giggling and Abbey turned to face the figure now residing in her arms. She knew who it was supposed to be but when she turned to face it all there was was an empty black cavity. All the color drained from Abbey's face as she stared into the black hole where its face was supposed to be. The figure seemed to notice the fear in Abbey's face.

"What's wrong dear? Am I not beautiful enough for you?"

It's voice was a distorted version of hers, echoing what Abbey expected it to sound like. Abbey started backing away from it, diving into the field but the figure followed, crawling after Abbey, whaling in pain and horror. Something was wrong with that thing and Abbey needed to get away from it. But she couldn't, the figure was crawling on her body and melting into her skin.

When Abbey stared at it it seemed to be fusing with her slin, the black hole of a face expanding to consume its long black dreads and dripping down its hands. It was s terrifying, striking primordial fear into Abbey. She needed to get away but she couldn't, the darkness of it's face was all consuming. It was eating Abbey alive.

Soon the figure fused with her and all Abbey could see was black as it blurred her vision. Was this really it? Just because she falsely followed a figure that she though was her? A figure she just wanted to love? Was this really the cost of love?

A cold ring interrupted Abbey's fall into darkness. She woke on the desk, beads of sweat running down her back, head pounding. She sat up in her chair, looking around in confusion. She stared at the open laptop, a keysmash on her screen. Her phone was ringing.

"Where are you? I've been waiting for twenty minutes"

Abbey bit down on her lip. She stared at the clock at the corner of her computer screen. Five twenty. She really was twenty minutes late. She mumbled apologies into the receiver as she stood from her chair and grabbed her jacket and bag.

As she exited the apartment all that was on her mind was the strange dream she just had.

Rontny's phone rang.

She shuffled in her purse trying to get it out. There was only one possible person who would could calling her. Her dad stared at her as she fumbled with her phone and picked up. She felt her whole body go stiff when she heard Nero's voice on the other end.

"Where the fuck are you?"

"I'm out shopping with dad Nero. I told you I had plans today!"

"Oh fuck off. You think I'm going to believe that? You're probably sleeping around. Get home right now"

Its voice was stern and angry and Rotny knew that she was in for a fight the moment she stepped foot in the apartment. Still, she wasn't going to let it walk all over her like that. She was so, so tired of it.

"I'm out shopping with my dad! Stop accusing me without reason. And what if I was sleeping around? What's it to you?"

"I don't want to live with a fucking whore. You're acting just like her now quit whining and get fucking home. I'm starving"

Rotny bit on her lip hearing Nero's comparison to her "Oh shut the fuck up, I'm not your wife for you to order around. Order some take out or something I don't know"

"I don't want fucking take out, I want real food. You have no right to be whoring around like this"

Rotny sighed and hung up out of frustration. She wasn't dealing with this, she had no time for this. She turned to her dad with an apologetic look on her face. He studied her curiously.

"I'm .. I'm sorry about that dad … my roommate, it acts strange sometimes" she tried to laugh it off but she couldn't hide the way her heart was racing. Not to her dad's face.

"Aren't you paying that guy's rent? It has no right to treat you like that" Her dad started but Rotny brushed him off "Please, let's not talk about it. Not now. I just want to have a good day with you" she smiled up at her father and he let it go. He too just wanted to spend the day with his daughter.

Nero called her about ten times afterwards.

Rotny walked into the apartment setting her shopping bags upon the table. The room was quiet, eerily quiet. She hated the silence. Usually there was music blaring from Nero's room or at least the tv was on. But this time there was nothing.

She walked around the quiet apartment, opening the door to Nero's room slowly. It was asleep on the bed. She breathed a sigh of relief. It would forget everything the next morning. She just better get to bed before it wakes up.

She quickly unpacked her bags, putting her new stuff away and running to her room. She knew she should probably shower but she didn't want to risk it waking up and coming over to fight with her. She really wasn't in the mood for it. Instead she threw off her clothes and fell into bed.

Rontny rummaged for her phone and pulled it out signing when she stared at her home screen. It was of her and Abbey on one of their dates. If Nero ever saw that it was still her phone background, it would flip. But Rotny had decided to risk it because fuck did she miss Abbey.

She missed their dates, their kisses shared in secret and Abbey's hands on her own. Nero now hated Abbey the most because she had been the catalyst to their relationship's collapse. Or at least that's what Nero always told her. She didn't know how much of that was true. She was still in the dark about everything that happened. One second everyone was happy and the next her friend group was in pieces.

Tears welled up in the corners of her eyes as she stared at her phone screen. She missed them. She missed everyone. Nero had completely isolated her from her old friends because according to it they were "useless backstabbing scumbags". She didn't know why it decided to keep her around. She didn't want to believe her dad when he suggested it was because of her wealth. It couldn't be.

Nero wasn't that shallow.

Chapter Text

Kim wanted a relationship.

They wanted a human connection. They wanted someone to hold them, someone to love them. Up until recently, they had that someone. She was beautiful. When she walked into Kim's life, she turned it upside down. They didn't know what it was like to love at the time. And she taught them how to love.

Forever, is what they believed. Is what she had told him. Is what they both had wanted. But with time that forever got muddied. She made new friends. She met new people. They clung onto her, hanging onto her by a thread. She was Kim's best friend but she had made a new best friend. And she seemed so much more interested in her new friend rather than them.

It was obvious when she started pulling away. She wanted to do less and less things with him but she still claimed to love them. And they hung on. They wanted to believe until the very end that she wasn't moving on. It was so obvious for those with eyes to see but they pretended like they had gone blind.

When she finally broke the news to them that summer, they already knew it was coming. They had told themselves to move on, to get over her before she said the final world. They had wanted to get over her before she broke their heart. And yet, it didn't work. Their whole world shattered the moment she spoke those words. They knew it was coming, for months and months, but it still broke them.

They wanted to beg, they wanted to plead, but they knew it was of no use. She'd already moved on a long time ago. So they tried to accept it with pride. She said they could still be friends but she completely disappeared from their life. And they knew this would happen. They didn't have anybody to fall back on. They had nobody in their life.

Sure they had some online friends, but nobody cared about them the way they wanted to. They didn't tell anybody about the breakup, they just stopped talking about their girlfriend. And nobody seemed to notice. They sunk back into themselves, laying in bed all day and watching youtube. Sometimes they'd get up with a razorblade and lock themselves in the bathroom for hours.

But September was coming up and they were starting their year at a new college. New people, new classes. They had dropped out the previous year. Marketing just wasn't their calling. They had always wanted to pursue the arts. Their parents didn't want it for them but they knew where their true calling was. For once, they'd listen to themselves instead of somebody else telling them what to do.

Visual arts. That was their major. They were excited, they couldn't wait to paint and draw all day and maybe … maybe even meet people. Meet friends. Maybe even … meet a partner. They desperately wanted out of this hole. They desperately wanted to get over her. She had taken over their life, for five years she dominated his every thought and honestly, she still did. As much as they tried to forget about her, she was always at the back of their mind, reminding them of herself.

Maybe if Kim got a new partner, maybe if they fell in love again. Maybe they could finally move on. Get over this shit. They just wanted to get over this shit.

That morning finally came. They woke up at the sound of their alarm. They rolled over to click the snooze button but before they could press it, they remembered that today was the day. They jumped out of bed, nearly tripping over their clothes. Right. They hadn't cleaned their room in months now. Ever since they moved in at the start of the summer, really.

Their parents didn't know what they were doing. As far as they were aware, they were still in the marketing program. They didn't bat an eye when Kim asked for more money, they just assumed they needed it as pocket money. As long as their kid was studying, they didn't care. Kim didn't know how they were going to tell them that not only did they drop out, they completely switched schools. That would be a future Kim problem

The room probably had a stench that Kim was already used to. They just hoped the stench wouldn't follow them outside. They showered the day previous and scrubbed themselves clean. But just in case, they decided to shower this morning too. This was extremely unusual for them, but they were extremely paranoid that other people would smell them and therefore not want to be friends with them.

Showering went by quicker, mostly because they were in a rush. They cleaned themselves as thoroughly and as quickly as they could and got out of the shower. They stared at themselves in the mirror. Dark, sunken eyes and thin lips. They looked slightly malnourished. It's true that they hadn't really been eating, mostly living off of instant ramen. They tried to ignore it.

Quickly, they washed their face, brushed their hair and teeth. They looked okay, but they wanted to be exceptional. They wanted to look like a potential friend, potential lover. They reached for their make up bag, rifling through the contents. They'd go for a simple but unique look. Black lines under their waterline, black eyeshadow in just the corners and black lipstick. They hoped they didn't look too extra but they loved make up.

They ran their hands through their bleach blonde hair (bleached only a few days beforehand) and smiled slightly at the mirror. They looked good, better than they had looked in months. Hopefully other people would think the same. They already had their outfit picked out for the day. Quickly, they threw it on and grabbed their bag. They glanced around the messy room one last time, before shutting the door and locking it.

The college wasn't far from their apartment but they hated walking. It was one of their least favorite things to do but they forced themselves to do it. Every second they walked they thought about the new people they'd meet. A warm excitement bubbled inside their stomach. Hopefully they'd meet someone. Art school probably would have more people with their interests, right? They needed someone who was like them. They needed a friend.

Before making it to class they stopped at a local cafe to grab coffee and a snack. A brownie latte and a berliner. It was the perfect start to Kim's day. They loved pastries, adored them with every fiber of their being. And they'd use any excuse to eat more of them.

Finally, they made it to class. When they entered nobody really caught their eye and they all seemed busy with their own things. Maybe somebody will approach them first. They knew they could take matters into their own hands if necessary but for now they'd let things flow. They sat down near the middle of the class. They set their stuff down and unpacked their bags. Finally they got a moment to dig into their snack.

Mid bite, face covered in powder, somebody walked into class. And Kim's stomach dropped. They weren't too tall but they had broad shoulders. Their hair was messy, very messy. Some of it was standing up even. Red hair dye decorated their black strands. Their eyes were surrounded by black eyeshadow and they bore through Kim's soul. Kim almost choked. This had to be the most beautiful person they had ever seen.

They didn't look at Kim directly but they already felt stupid. They nearly choked trying to quickly swallow their food and wipe their face from the powdered sugar. The stranger walked right up to Kim and they felt their hands shake. They glanced around for a second before looking right at Kim. Oh their eyes were beautiful.

“Is this seat taken?”

Kim barely registered what they said. They were too caught up in their voice. A slight husk to it but like honey to their ears. They knew they could listen to it on repeat like a song. But they couldn't let them know what was going through their head.

“No- no not at all”

The stunning stranger dropped their bags on the seat next to Kim's and sat down. Kim had to force themselves to not stare. They were so … hypnotizing. Everything about them… Kim already knew they would be obsessed. But they couldn't let that be known.

“Um… what's your name?”

They glanced in Kim's direction. Their eyes almost had a carelessness to them, making Kim feel stupid for asking. Did they not want to be bothered? It was too late to take back their words now though. And deep down they knew they couldn't not ask the stranger their name.

“Eric … you?”

“Kim … my name's Kim”

They smiled. Oh god. Kim really was in love now. Their smile was soft, gentle, but had a bit of mischief to it. The way their lip slightly tilted upward, oh Kim wanted to die right on the spot.

“Pretty name”

“T-thaks- chose it myself”

“Oh? You chose your name?”

Kim almost threw up. Right. That's not a normal thing normal people do. Fuck. Did Eric think they were weird? Were they going to judge them? Fuck fuck fuck.

“Yeah-...”

“Woah. It's a cool name. I wish I chose my name”

“Well I mean- you can-”

“Well yeah but I also do like Eric. It's just that picking your own name seems awesome. Does it have any meaning behind it?”

“Oh yeah- um… it's from the song kim dracula by deftones”

“What? No way! I love deftones”

“Me too! It's one of my favorite bands. Last year I saw them live-”

They continued to chat and Kim was surprised about how well their conversation was flowing. It was like they found common ground immediately. Kim remembered the last time things went so fluidly with someone … they rather not think about that. Not now.

The conversation went so well that they didn't even notice the teacher had entered the classroom. Only when Eric suddenly shut up and looked forward did Kim realize that the rest of the class was silent. And that the teacher was staring them down. They swallowed dryly.

“Kim. Is there something you want to tell the rest of the class?”

“Um- no sir.”

“This isn't middle school, Kim. I shouldn't need to scold a student in the first class of the semester. We're all adults here, no? Let's respect our teachers”

This teacher wouldn't be Kim's favorite. And Kim wouldn't be this teacher's favorite, either.

Classes passed quite quickly with Eric by Kim's side. Their duo was joined by Dro, an eccentric but sweet redhead and Loki, a fidgety and nervous thing. Kim found themselves relieved, they had actually found friends and on the first day too. Dro and Loki were genuinely such sweet people and of course Eric. Eric had captivated Kim like nobody else had in a long time.

Soon lunch came and Kim felt excited about the idea of having lunch with Eric. But just as they were about to ask Eric if he wanted to have lunch with them, he excused himself and left the group. Kim looked after him longingly but they saw him get on the phone and quickly looked away. They didn't want to intrude on his phone call.

“Do you guys want to have lunch together?”

Loki nodded and Dro shrugged.

“Sure, but where should we eat?”

“Mm… I'm craving sushi…” Loki spoke up, fidgeting with one of the long strands of their black hair. It was so glossy and smooth, Kim didn't know how they did it.

“Sushi is a good shout. I think there's a place not too far from campus. Me and my roommates explored before we came here. I could lead the way” Dro smiled with confidence. Kim wasn't surprised he knew his way around, he had been so confident walking from class to class while Kim, Loki and Eric just followed.

“Sushi works for me,” Kim chimed in.

Before anything else could be said, Eric came back. Kim immediately lit up when he stood next to them again.

“Hey Eric, we were thinking of getting sushi for lunch. You coming with us?”

“Nah, I have a friend I wanna have lunch with. Maybe some other time”

Kim felt themselves deflate. No lunch with Eric. It would be nice hanging out with Dro and Loki, but they had really wanted to hang out with Eric. Get to know him better. Get closer to him.

“Ah, alright. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Maybe tomorrow”

“Hey Eric. We were thinking of grabbing a bite at the bistro down the street. Wanna join us?”

Kim asked hopefully. It was now the next day and Kim had their hopes up. He had said that maybe he'd go tomorrow and it was not tomorrow. They just wanted to have lunch with him, was that too much to ask for? Eric had just come back from another phone call and Kim begged to every god out there that his friend was busy.

“No can do. My friend ditched me but I called my boyfriend and we're having kebab”

Suddenly Kim felt like fainting. It was like the ground was knocked out beneath their feet. They felt lightheaded. They were going to fall over. They had never in their life fainted but this felt like the perfect moment. Eric had a boyfriend. Kim's beautiful gorgeous Eric. Their beautiful gorgeous Eric. He had a boyfriend.

“Oh- oh. Yeah. I hope that's good”

Eric smiled. God. Why was his smile so warm and gentle. Why did he have to smile at them like that. Do you usually smile at people like that when you have a boyfriend? It wasn't fair, it wasn't fucking fair.

“Thanks. Maybe we could have lunch together someday? He goes to this school too”

Of course he goes to this school. That means Kim might see him in hallways. Somebody else who gets to hold Eric's perfect hand and kiss Eric's perfect face. If Kim ever met Eric's boyfriend, they'd probably throw up. Not probably. Definitely.

“That sounds absolutely wonderful. Yeah. I'd love that”

“Awesome. See ya”

Eric smiled at them with that beautiful smile again and turned around. Kim stared as he walked away, insides twisting and turning. It hurt to breathe, it hurt to exist. It hurt so fucking much. They could barely think. They just wanted to lean over and vomit.

But they felt a tap on their shoulder.

“You coming? I assume he's not” Dro spoke, slight concern in his voice.

“Yeah… yeah no he's not. He has a boyfriend”

“Oh.”

“Yeah”

“He has a fucking boyfriend”

Dro spoke up the moment they got their plates on the table. Loki was already leaning over their food and eating little bites. Kim and Dro already learned that when they eat they don't talk at all. They were in their own little world.

Kim let out a whine as they put their food down and collapsed in their chair.

“He has a fucking boyfrienddddd”

“Are you joking?”

“No- wait. Why are you concerned”

Dro’s eyebrows shot up.

“Of course I'm concerned. That's your crush”

Kim's face flushed red and they looked down at their plate. They weren't easily knocked off their feet but suddenly the floor felt so unstable.

“How did you- what”

“Oh it's obvious to anybody- right Loki?”

Loki glanced up, glanced between them, nodded, and went back to their food.

“It's so obvious but it's even more obvious that he has a thing for you too- So I'm completely bewildered”

“He- what? What? What? He has a- what?”

Kim didn't understand what they were hearing. They didn't understand what was going on. They were dreaming. They had to be dreaming. Well, it wouldn't be a dream, it would be a horrible nightmare. Suddenly they didn't want to eat. They felt like anything they'd put in their mouth they'd throw right back up.

“It's obvious to anybody. The way he smiles at you? The way he looks at you? The way he gently nods his head when you talk?”

Kim stared down at their plate. They hadn't noticed any of this. Not in one moment of admiring Eric did they think that he liked them back. Eric always had that patient smile with them, that gentle look in his eyes. But wasn't he like that with everybody? Kim couldn't understand.

“But- isn't he like that with everybody?”

“No! No, not at all!”

Dro exclaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

“Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. It was just- we know each other for two days but the chemistry between you two was so palpable, I was sure you'd confess tomorrow"

Kim felt their cheeks flush red. This was embarrassing. Did they really have that much chemistry? Was it really that obvious to everybody? Kim just thought Eric was kind. He was very kind.

“Can we just eat? I don't want to talk about this”

Dro sighed. Kim glanced up and they could see a sympathetic look in his eyes. God was this fucking embarrassing.

“Okay, okay. Let's talk about something else”

When the trio went back to their classes, Eric was nowhere to be seen. A pit formed in Kim's stomach. He was with his boyfriend. Why did he have to have a boyfriend?

“Your boyfriend… what's he like?”

Kim pushed down the knot forming in their throat. It had been a week since they'd found out about Eric's partner. They forced themselves to stomach it but every time they looked at Eric they wanted to cry. Of course an angel like him had to be taken. Kim tried to suppress their feelings for Eric but nothing was working. So maybe, they thought, maybe exposure therapy would work.

“Oh … Dino”

Eric stopped his pencil. They were working in pairs, drawing portraits of each other. Kim watched as a smile spread on Eric's lips. Oh he was so pretty when he smiled. Kim's gut sank deeper.

“He's… something else. He has beautiful, long, curly hair. I don't know how he maintains it. He is… he's a bit of a pessimist, he doesn't really see the good in the world. But he's… he's a brilliant artist, Kim. He can create scenes like you've never seen before. He's really… He's really really special”

Kim's hands trembled as they tried to focus on their drawing. They couldn't look up to look Eric in the eyes. They tried to focus on his portrait. They couldn't help the jealousy that stirred in their stomach. Fuck. He's beautiful even when he's speaking about the one he loves. Why couldn't that be them?

“I see… you sound really in love…”

Eric laughed. His laugh was so melodic.

“I am, I really am.”

Silence sat between them for a second. It wasn't particularly usual for them to sit in silence. Kim tried their best to remember Eric's facial features so they wouldn't have to fucking look at him.

“Hey… Kim?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to meet him?”

Kim's eyes immediately shot up. Eric hadn't yet ever offered to meet his boyfriend. He hadn't even offered to meet the friend he always had lunch with. He still hasn't had lunch with them, Dro and Loki.

“What-? Meet your boyfriend?”

“Yeah”

Kim stared at Eric for a second, dumbfounded. Eric let out a giggle and glanced back down at his paper.

“He doesn't really like new people but I told him all about you. And he didn't seem opposed to meeting you”

“You- you told him about me?”

“Yeah, I mean I tell him everything. Told him how weird Dro is, how unique Loki is. But… maybe I talk about you the most.”

Kim's heart fluttered. Eric talks about them? Talks about them to his boyfriend?

“Oh- I mean I would love to meet him”

“Wonderful! We're going to have to go without Dro or Loki though. A lot of people will wear him out”

“Yeah, okay, that's alright with me”

It wasn't hard telling Dro and Loki they weren't going to eat lunch with them. Dro seemed disappointed at first, he loved to talk and Loki wasn't a particularly good conversation partner. But the moment he heard that Kim was going with Eric to meet his boyfriend, his tone changed. He let Kim go with the promise that they'd tell him everything afterwards.

Eric was waiting outside the main door to the school. For the first time, Kim felt a warm bubbling in his stomach at the thought of Eric's boyfriend. Maybe they couldn't be him but maybe … maybe they'd just be friends. Kim felt honored that Eric trusted them enough for this. They had to make a good first impression.

“We have a playground we usually go to. He usually goes there when he's upset, then he calls me, and we hang out”

Eric let out a laugh and Kim nodded along. That sounded kind of … nice. To have someone that calls you when they're sad, calls you in particular, and asks you to hang out. Kim once had that. But they tried to forget her. This was a new chapter in their life.

The two engaged in a lively conversation as they walked to the playground. Kim saw a figure in the distance, sitting on the swings. They squinted, trying to make out their form.