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It’s beautiful here.
You don’t feel like doing much right now, so you lay back on the smooth chrome and gaze at the endless skies. It’s been six months since you said your goodbyes to Sofia, assuming time is passing here just as quickly. Or slowly. The metal does not feel cold on the back of your neck, nor does it cool your palms when you press down until your muscles would tense up. This does not happen because you are not alive.
You close your eyes again, trying to feel nothing at all.
If you shut off your senses and still your thoughts, everything falls apart and reveals the code that governs everything. There is plenty all about Tari.EXE. This is the place you go to mend it. It’s boring, tedious work. And if you make a real nasty mistake, there’s no backups. No Sofia supporting you. No Lucinia to guide your way. You’ll just die. Or wish you were. If you wished, you could delete it all. But you can’t leave them like this. Pressing on is all there is to do. Not much progress is made before your consciousness dilutes. You feel someone slip a plush under your sleeping head. You hear the muffled voices of MD-5’s unquestionably human members. You, you, you. It’s all they seem to be talking about. They are scared. You worry. The pain snaps you out of that trance, still asleep in your little bubble of certainty.
You hear footsteps approaching, light and swift some indeterminable amount of time later— even though you have a perfect clock in your code, you don’t want to look at it constantly and suffer under the weight of every attosecond spent trapped here.
Theo does not miss reality like he used to. It must be because he was never meant to be a sophisticated AI. He was not born, merely crafted, and so are you. You should not yearn for something that was never meant to be yours, and yet you do. You hate how much you do.
“Tari? Tari?”
Something shakes you awake. It’s just Theo. It takes a moment for you to register his words.
“Oh, haha. You’re just sleeping.”
“Just sleeping?”
“Yeah. That’s it. N-nothing more.”
You can clearly tell he’s nervous, but for what? He has everything he could want here, Ultra Jump Mania, a place to run free, and you.
“Is everything all right, Theo? You can tell me anything, it’s okay.”
“Let’s do some cloudgazing together!”
His deflection is highly unusual, but you don’t press it. You don’t want to talk much right now.
You summon a blanket beneath your back.
Theo tucks himself against your shoulder, under your arm like the little brother you wished you had. He is not warm. He is not soft. This is no fault of his own. Despite everything he cannot do, he is a comforting presence. He points at the sky, guiding your vision.
“Oh! That one looks like you!”
It does. All soft, blue, flying free.
You take a moment to check your HUD, and make sure it’s still shut off. What do these globs remind you of?
“I think I see some ducks.” A few half-circles with an extra bulge float by. “And flowers.” You can’t replicate smells. You miss them. You miss lots of things. Theo takes no hesitation in making conclusions.
“That one looks like Sofia, and that one looks like Marco, and—“
Theo’s commentary becomes dull static as you watch your friends’ faces fly through the air, without either one of you.
“I miss them.”
“We can always talk through Pocket Gakusei again,” Theo tugs your sleeve. “Do you want that right now?”
“No, I don’t. I want to be real again. Alive. Or at least… physical.” You open and close your hands, staring a hole through them.
“But you’re already alive! You’re talking to me right now!”
“So what? We’re not breathing.”
Theo puts a hand to his chest, sitting upright. You need a moment to still your suddenly tumultuous thoughts.
“No, no, I should explain this better. I want to properly meet Lucinia. I want to hug everyone, and tell them I’ll never leave, and actually keep that promise without some maniac trying to cage us. And now all I’ve done was trap us, Theo. I’m scared we’ll never get out.”
He says nothing this time. You don’t need to stare at his big frown to know he’s blinking back tears. You feel like you chose a really bad dialogue option. You take Theo in your arms, and hold him close. He cries on your shoulder, and you summon a box of tissues. You may not be real, but your love for your friends is. Hopefully.
You open up Pocket Gakusei, and stare at the foliage through the window before someone picks up your signal, like you’re on the other side of a ouija board.
You’re too nervous to face them. You can’t place why, somehow. Emotions are so bizzare. You were never meant to feel anything. When you chased down the sun you were cast back into yourself for your troubles. That warmth haunts your nightmares.
Theo explains everything without complaint. It is neither generous nor unflattering.
“Tari, you’re being a hypocrite.” Masa was always good at communicating hard truths. He’s the leader of MD-5 for a reason.
It still stings. “You’re not living in a half-functioning server! You get to feel the sun on your skin and eat spicy ramen!” Entering games has become mundane for you. The novelty did not merely wear off, it died.
“But you’re able to do things we never thought possible. Theo is able to exist in reality because of you.”
“I never asked for this!” And neither did Theo, you realize. “I don't want to be special, just to be like you.” You take Theo’s hand.
Masa opens and closes his mouth a few times, obviously ruminating. You might be imagining things, but you swear his eyes flash orange for an instant.
“I…” He can’t look at you. “There’s been something on my mind for the past few weeks.”
“What is it, then?”
The air Masa is breathing must feel stale with the force he puts into the act.
You turn to properly face him, bringing Theo along to sit in one of the desks. If he’s being genuine for the first time since you confessed you couldn’t get out, it is worth respecting his words. His gaze flicks back, into your eyes. You feel like a bug.
“I don’t know if I ever told you how much I care about you. I kept thinking it didn’t matter, that if I said anything and couldn’t follow through with it, I’d be a terrible person. For too long, I only trusted you as a teammate, instead of a friend.”
He meets your stare, blinking back tears.
“You mean the world to me, Tari. Theo.”
“Masa…” You think you’re crying, because your joy is so strong it can’t be contained in your eyes. You don’t feel any tears slide down your cheek.
Theo is hiding his face underneath his coconut. He must be blushing. You’ve never seen him so still.
Masa’s resolute nature asserts itself. “I will support you through this, in any way I can.”
He is trying not to resemble Lucks. He turns away, not out of embarrassment. “Oh, you want to talk?”
“Yeah. I’m ready.”
Masa passes the phone to someone else. There’s a moment of blurriness and shuffling noises. Theo’s attention snaps up to them.
It’s Sofia. Her eyes always dampen when she looks at you.
“Hi Tari.”
You’re not sure if you like or despise the way she talks to you like a wounded animal. She looks exhausted, barely able to focus on her words. She smiles triumphantly.
“I've discovered a way to help.”
You let those words sink in. A way out? Really?!
“After everything, it’s only right that I do this. You could’ve left that day, but you chose to help us. You wanted to stay. And now that we've really brought my sister back, I refuse to believe you’re too far gone.”
She gestures to the bruises under her eyes. “You can probably see why I didn't say anything sooner.”
Theo jumps onto a desk to better look at her. “What is it? Just tell us already!” Wait, us?
Sofia waves around a thick bundle of papers.
“With everything I’ve gathered from Sheridan’s intact notes, he based a significant amount of your abilities under your willpower.”
She rifles through the stack. “Or… emotions? Which would be really cool if he wasn’t so messed up. Anyways, it says you can heal from any damage you’ve taken, but I can’t find much on how you’d come back. It’s only scribbles and rants about realism and determination. Maybe, what he prefers..? I’m sorry, I don’t get the psychological stuff.”
“It’s okay, Sofia.”
Theo asks “Why is it physical, and not on your laptop?”
“Even computers aren’t perfect.” Sofia’s brain catches up to her mouth. “Sorry.”
Masa returns. His face is stoic and still through the screen. “I know you’re capable of coming back. There’s something keeping you away. Something you’re worrying yourself incapable over.”
“Incapable? I know there’s lots to do, but I can handle myself.”
“Trust me, I’m not exactly like you, but I broke out of Sheridan’s trap with sheer force of will, and I’m not…”
You don’t force him to finish that sentence.
“You’re stronger than you think, precisely because you’re like us.”
Sofia adds “There’s no point in giving up now that you’ve gone so far. If you’ve got any questions, don’t hesitate to reach out.”
You start thinking with a purpose now. You ponder and plan. Scheme, even. What would bring you back? What draws you to reality?
The distant horizon no longer feels so remote. When you walk, you actually seem to get around, instead of this perfect plane rotating under your steps like a jester on a ball, preventing you from escaping the whims of a demiurge. You think lots, now that Theo is trying to differentiate between Plato and Aristotle. Walking helps more than you could have calculated. Pretending to breathe does bring peace to your mind. Lucinia and Masa brought you up to speed on Sisyphus. To wake up would mean subjecting yourself to cycles. Cycles of tasks, of self-maintenance, of hope and despair instead of this deathlike, transcendental, apparently enlightening pseudo-afterlife. Do you stay safe, or take risks?
You wonder if you will be able to escape these feelings of powerlessness. You want to fly free. You want to explore the real world outside of Silica City, to see nature for the first time; or whatever remains of it. Code can only take you so far. But you will pay a price. You will be hurt again, over and over.
In the end, you only believe you feel. All sensations you encounter are a facsimile of the real thing. You nearly fall asleep on your feet, and catch a whiff of something spicy and sweet. You hear a lot of things in this sterile space. Laughter. Clinking dishes. Whirring computers. It’s one of two senses you can rely on here, one of two you can access. A machine needs nothing more. Do you want more? Do you need more?
You hear someone behind you. Their footsteps are hesitant and unsteady, unlike Theo’s boundless confidence. You don’t know who this is.
The pineapple hammer manifests in your grip before you turn around to fend off… Satsuki-chan? You awkwardly hide it behind your back, pretending nothing is wrong.
“I saw you weren’t feeling so good. And I was hoping to talk a bit, I didn’t mean to follow you all the way out…” She looks around, feeling exposed and vulnerable. “…Here.”
“You’re self-aware.”
“Huh? But I’ve always cared about you from the day we met. I know it. It was my choice. I felt like I was finally sure I knew what I wanted, for the first time, and that’s what I wanted to do.”
You gawk. You don’t know what else to do.
She points at one of the games in your library. “What is that?”
You play together. It takes some time, and many funny blunders for Satsuki-chan to catch up. But she does. She even gives you a challenge sometimes. She gets along like a house on fire with Theo. She prefers to take it easy in Skybreakers and strategize in Nova Explorer’s JRPG pace. You can’t access the latter right now. Satsuki-chan makes it sound amazing. Gaming comes more easily now that a weight you’ve never noticed is free from your shoulders. You have fun. For a while. Until the pressure comes back as though it never left. You make another trip to Pocket Gakusei, alone. If things keep looking up, you’ll get to catch up with the rest of your friends soon.
Belle and Lucina are next.
Her fire is tempered, but stronger than ever. She smiles sweetly in a way you’ve never witnessed before, with her arm over Lucinia’s shoulder. You see empty dishes behind them. Lucina is looking much healthier, and is no longer self-conscious of the scars you’re responsible for. Her gaze flutters about, just like your’s when you’ve been harboring something on your mind for too long.
“Hey, Tari!”
“Hi!” Lucina waves.
It takes you a moment to remember their plans for the day. “How was your date at the beach?”
They look surprised. “You could hear us?!”
“Hear what, exactly?” You don't know why you know.
Lucinia puts a hand to her heart. “I’ve never said anything before, but… every night I take some time to talk to you. Where I’ve been, everything I do, what I’m thinking about. I’m worried you feel like you’re missing something now that my consciousness isn’t with you.” She looks bashful.
You don’t know what to say, so you stand there like a statue.
“Sorry, it’s probably a lot to take in. I was never sure you could hear me. Until just now, I guess.”
“That’s amazing! You’re able to wake up.”
“It’s wonderful.” Your heart would be racing if you had one. “I thought I kept falling asleep. Does anyone else talk to me?”
“Everyone does. We all share funny stories with you.” Belle seems to be suppressing the urge to glare at Lucinia, like she revealed some embarrassing secret. She hasn’t changed to the point of unrecognizability after all.
Belle swiftly changes topics.
“Would you believe what happened earlier today? We were driving home from our date, and as we made the last turn to the apartment, some idiot barely clips us!”
She raises a hand to her forehead, through her hair. “Thought I was going to be stuck waiting for hours to get some stupid papers glanced over by the cops.”
Lucinia shrugs. “At least you don’t have to deal with other people in there. For better and worse. How are the repairs on your end?”
“It’s not easy, even on the inside. But every time I fix a bit of code, I feel so much better.” You decide to take a risk, to decide if you want to leave, and say something reckless. “I’m scared it’s never going to end. That there’s always going to be one more thing keeping me here, and I do this forever.”
“That’s life, Tari. It’s normal to feel like that.”
“What?” No platitudes, no encouragement?
“There’s always something to do.” Lucina doesn’t help for once.
Belle is fighting through her own nerves. “Leaving things unfinished is human nature. Do you have the guts to give something up? Can you survive that?”
“Can you live in a world you can’t control?”
You’re shaking. They can’t see it, and hold hands before they continue.
“Even though our time is short, we love each other. Someone will leave first, either of their free will or some external force, but that’s simply part of knowing anyone.”
“Will you act despite the futility of it all?”
“No pressure.”
You love more than you fear. You will act. It doesn’t stop you from trembling. Even though it’s logically hopeless, you will try anyway. You can’t know if you can do something if you don’t try. So you decide to try. You complain together. It’s very cathartic. You feel better.
“We miss you.”
You feel yourself waking up again, and this time, you can open your eyes. The world is dark. You can’t see anything at all.
“Tari’s awake!”
You test your voice. “Are the lights on?”
You hear Lucinia gasp.
“We can’t hear you. Is everything alright?”
No, you think. It’s really not okay.
You’re almost awake. Almost.
Satsuki-chan’s electric glow lights up the room. She’s so shy, and can barely bring herself to wave. MD-5 is probably stunned silent. You can only see their silhouettes. It doesn’t last. Theo sits by your side as you cry in your pristine prison. Satsuki-chan stares into the horizon. Lamar cuts his date with Satsuki-chan short to see you. She stands by your side. Theo is wearing her hairpiece, swinging his legs off the side of a desk, looking at nothing in particular.
“Hey, Tari, Theo. Starlight.”
“Hi Lamar.”
“I saw you open your eyes back there. Could you see anything?”
“No.” You’re aware you can’t control it, but you feel guilty all the same; bogged down. You wish you could fight harder, but you’re too scared of permanently damaging something critical. Satsuki-chan pats your shoulder. You appreciate the gesture.
There’s a sturdy silence that refuses to yield.
“Do you mind if this gets heavy right now?”
“Oh, not at all.”
“Satsuki-chan, are you okay to stick around for this? I know you remember everything I’ve brought up about our past, and you’ve talked about your whole being in two places at once thing, but it was nothing this serious.”
She nods.
“Did I ever tell you how TASCorp ruined my life?”
“No? Alright. Just checking.”
“I wasn’t even an afterthought to Lucks. They bulldozed my home to build another Meta Runner arena. I was homeless, forced to work in the very industry that destroyed my future. But I did not go down easy. I worked my way up from the Low Tiers to a steady paycheque, and then I met Sofia.”
“And just look at me now.” He strikes a pose with a winning smile. “It’s over. We’re safe, Tari. I promise.”
“The same people did that to you?!”
“Yeah. Lucks and Sheridan never knew who I was. Point is, we aren’t as different as you might think. And… after everything, you should know my reasons for joining MD-5. Nobody is going to hurt you. We’ll make sure of it.”
“Don’t think, feel. That’s when you can do amazing things. Like that awesome car flip. Must’ve took guts, man.”
“Feel, feel, feel… what, exactly?” You have questions. You reach out.
The gang’s all here, on two sides of the same screen. Sofia rigged a two-way video feed into your server. You can talk more freely.
“What was it like to leave?”
Belle answers. “I was too busy trying not to die in there to get distracted by anything weird and metaphysical. Lamar hates thinking about it, and I saw Masa read through an English and Japanese dictionary. I don’t think he has an answer this time.”
Sophia chimes in. “Something like that takes determination and teamwork, and hope. We convinced ourselves that you didn’t need it, and we were wrong. So, Lucinia and I got started on a little project for you.”
“We’re capable of amazing things together. Turn around.”
There’s a drawing of you, Satsuki-chan, and Theo, glowing in Lucina’s favourite purple and the same brilliant orange as Masa’s eyes. It’s comprised of very few polygons, all straight lines and hollow forms. Satsuki-chan is attempting to hide behind the transparent portrait. She carefully pokes it, afraid it might vanish before her eyes. Considering you’re all digital, that fear is not unfounded.
“Can I learn to do this someday?’
Your eyes light up. Literally. “Of course, coding is pretty hard at first, but I’m sure you'll get the hang of it in no time at all!”
“Not that. Art.” Which is not your forte. Yet.
Masa and Lucinia materialize before you, the same shades of orange and purple, respectively.
“It worked!”
“Can you see us?”
They currently consist of a wireframe structure of triangular prisms, but are here. They look so ethereal, so fragile, like ancient statues in a museum. They are really here with you. Willing yourself free of your stupor, you run up and give them a hug. They are not warm. They are not soft. You still don’t feel anything more than their presence. This isn’t the solution you need. Lucinia and Masa and Satsuki-chan and Theo can’t save you from yourself. A stray thought breaks free from the fog of stress. You’re scared they don’t love you, but now you know that’s a lie. Sofia worked days and nights to make this happen. Masa and Lucina volunteered to transport themselves here. Belle and Lamar will drop everything to talk with you. Satsuki-chan and Theo have never left your side. You are loved.
Belle can’t shake the worry from her eyes, and hasn’t looked away from Lucina, deep in thought. You know she’s worried about her. And for you. Surely, they can leave whenever they wish, right?
Theo climbs up the portrait like he was made for it. You remember he was. But these are his own choices, not approved by some greater force beforehand.
“I’m the king of the world!” He prances about, trips, and takes the whole thing down with him. Lucinia catches him before he can hit the ground.
Lamar laughs teasingly. “Watch your step, little man.”
Satsuki-chan immediately takes to building something new with the scattered remnants. A crazy idea hits you. It’s potentially stupid, but after all the esoteric bullshit you’ve tried, you’re willing to give it a chance.
“What would happen if I…” You open up the holographic screen on your arm. You slowly inch your finger closer to the Project Blue button. You press it. Is this what an out-of-body experience is like? Then again, you don’t have a soul—or you think you don’t, so there’s no way to tell. Does it matter? You drag your friends along for the ride.
You wake up. Everything feels sore. Your first words upon waking are:
“Urgh… I’m such an idiot.”
“Crackerjack! Hi guys! This is Satsuki-chan!”
“Ah, etto… Konichiwa?”
You should catch them up to speed, and properly introduce yourself without the threat of deletion breathing down your neck. The sun is rising over Silica city. The air smells of cherry blossoms. You clutch your plush duck closer to your heart. You cry real messy, wet tears that slide down your cheeks and dampen the blanket draped around your body. You’re free.
It’s beautiful here.