Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was just a regular morning. Hailey didn’t even remember much from the briefing before the team left for the suspect’s apartment.

She had stayed at the precinct until the words on the open manila files in front of her got blurred together to the point where she couldn’t make any progress on the case. After crashing for a couple of hours in the now her lonely apartment she was back at the precinct, listening to Voight rumbling about a suspect in a double homicide.

She was paired with Atwater, sat in the passenger seat of the cruiser and played with the straps on her vest as she worked to get her head in the game. Her right hand absentmindedly went to her left, searching for the familiar metal band on her finger until her memory kicked in - the ring was gone, had been for a while now. Abandoned in the drawer of the nightstand, the nightstand that used to be his. Hailey shook her head to get rid of the memories associated with the ring. She had more important things to focus on as Atwater came to a stop in front of the suspect’s apartment complex. She checked her vest and gun one last time before stepping out of the vehicle.

“The elevator is out of service so we need to move quickly but quietly. According to the intel, the building is mostly used by low level thugs and people who have nowhere else to go, so keep your head in the game and stay focused,” Voight rumbled at the team before taking the lead and entering the building. Hailey stuck close to Atwater, still feeling slightly off her game but not wanting to compromise the situation.

The team made their way up the stairs, efficiently clearing each level as they went. Once they reached the correct level, Voight motioned for every member to take their respective positions on the floor, effectively covering all the exits and blind spots. Atwater took a knee next to the suspect’s apartment door, banged his fist against it before yelling “Chicago PD, open up!” They were met with silence, and Atwater wasted no time standing up and kicking the door open. One by one, the team slipped into the apartment and started clearing rooms.

Multiple “clears” were shouted until only Hailey’s room was left. She approached a closed door at the end of a darkly lit hallway, slowly twisting the knob of the door. She pointed her gun partially through the gap of the opened door, and swiftly cleared what she could see before fully opening the door and stepping into the room.

It was larger than she expected, and the far side of it was almost completely hidden by lack of light. Hailey quickly turned on her flashlight and adjusted her grip on her gun before moving further. The floor was littered with takeout containers, old newspapers. Hailey noticed a large bookcase which was pulled away from the wall, someone could be hiding behind it. Taking a steadying breath, she took a couple of swift steps and peeked behind it.

“Police! Show me your hands!” Hailey could feel her pulse picking up, breath hitching ever so slightly. Behind the bookcase was a man, his back to her, sitting on the floor with his legs pulled against his chest, and a large blanket over his shoulders. Hailey could see Voight and Atwater entering the room from the corner of her eye and she calmed down a little. After the man made no attempt to move, Hailey stepped closer.

Voight was right next to her, ready to have her back if needed. She switched to hold both the flashlight and her gun in her right hand, and reached out with her left to tug away the blanket. The man made no effort to resist, and the blanket fell to the ground in one swift motion.

“On your feet, now! Show me your hands,” Hailey barked at the stranger, who still showed no signs of movement. The frustration caught up with her quickly, and Hailey grabbed the man’s collar and attempted to yank him upwards. This sent the man tumbling backwards, and he fell on his back in an unfortunate manner. Hailey took in a sharp breath. Her eyes connected with the man in front of her. She would recognize him anywhere. “Jay,” her voice was shaking, and she felt herself stumble backwards until she was met with Voight’s comforting arms.

She was outside. When did that happen? Hailey rubbed her eyes and adjusted her posture. She was sitting outside the apartment building, on the curb of the sidewalk. Burgess was sitting next to her, not saying anything but keeping a comforting hand on Hailey’s knee.

“Where- where is he?” she managed to ask. Burgess looked at her teammate with a worried expression. “He’s still upstairs with Voight and Atwater. Adam took Torres back to the station. They want to know if the intel was bad.” Burgess’ voice was steady. “Umm, Hailey. Did you get a good look at Jay before Voight escorted you outside?” This caught Hailey’s attention. Did she miss something? She quickly shook her head no. She had barely even looked at the man, Jay, for more than a few seconds before Voight must have wrapped his arms around her and walked her outside.

“Was he hurt? Did I … did I do something wrong?” Hailey’s eyes were prickling with tears. She was so tired. From lack of sleep. Emotionally. What was going on? She hadn’t seen Jay in over 14 months, probably even longer. What was he going stateside, he was supposed to be in Bolivia. Hailey’s head was swarming with questions she couldn’t answer. Burgess took Hailey’s hand in hers and squeezed it. Her eyes looked sorrowful, and Hailey didn’t like where this was going. “Hails, you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Jay is, he seems to be okay at the moment but… something happened to him,” Burgess explained slowly, almost as if Hailey was a victim that you needed to comfort and handle with care to not spook them. Hailey furrowed her brows and nodded her head to urge Kim to continue. “I didn’t hear the full story before I came down here to keep you company. But it seems that Jay’s been back in Chicago, for at least four months,” Hailey could see her friend’s mouth moving but no sound came out. Or at least she couldn’t hear her anymore. She felt her heart pounding against her rib cage as if it was trying to break free. At least she was sitting down already or she might have collapsed there and then. What the hell, Jay?

Chapter Text

Kevin couldn’t believe it. Halstead. Here. Sitting on the floor of an apartment that was supposed to belong to their suspect. Halstead. He was supposed to be in Africa or was it South America. He was not, however, supposed to be in Chicago, Illinois, and that Kevin knew for a fact. He felt angry, confused, yet relieved and happy to see his friend. Voight hadn’t returned yet from taking Upton downstairs. Ruzek and Torres were… somewhere, Kevin didn’t know. All he knew was that Jay was sitting in front of him, and that he was missing a leg.

“Brother, it’s so damn good to see you,” was all Kevin could say. Jay barely reacted to his voice at all. Kevin decided to get closer, and slowly approached the man he once called his teammate. He kept his open hands spread out, almost like approaching a wounded animal and trying not to spook it. He knelt down a few feet from Jay, and slowly reached for his shoulder. He laid a gentle hand on his left shoulder and gave it a careful shake. Jay just sat there, didn’t even react to his touch.

Feeling at loss, Kevin squeezed the shoulder, this time with more power. Finally, Jay turned his attention to him. Kevin was taken aback by what he saw. Jay’s cheeks were slightly curved inwards, dry lips cracked and partially covered by dried blood. He hadn’t shaved in days, probably weeks. His hair was longer than Kevin had ever seen before, hanging over his eyes. Eyes that stared at Kevin without seeing much, staring at something not present in the room.

The detective managed to tear his gaze away to look at the rest of Jay. His worn down t-shirt was stained with god knows what, ragged pants hanging loosely, he had clearly lost a significant amount of weight. Even in the poor light Kevin could see old bruises and healing cuts on Jay’s arms. Some seemed like they had been stitched up at some point, but Kevin couldn’t be sure.

Finally, Kevin let his eyes drop to Jay’s legs, or leg to be precise. Because Jay’s left pant leg was lying flat against the floor, nothing filling the farbic. It looked like his left was gone from somewhere below his knee. “Jay, brother, you alright?” Kevin tried again. His voice was thick with emotion, and his hand was shaking against Halstead’s shoulder. And by some miracle, this time he answered. Not verbally, but Jay slowly nodded his head twice, and gave Kevin the smallest hint of a smile. It wasn’t a happy smile though, but a sad and pained one.

Before Kevin could say anything again, Voight barged in. Kevin could see Jay flinching violently but staying still otherwise. Voight came over to the two men, one kneeling and one sitting on the floor. The sergeant crossed his arms like he often does, and stared at his former detective. “Halstead,” he simply stated.

Kevin had been studying Jay’s face for even the smallest of detail, and so he didn’t miss the look of disinterest that quickly flashed over his face. Jay quickly put on a neutral mask, and turned his face toward Voight. “Hank,” he whispered , voice raspy and thick from disuse. He coughed to clear his throat. “Why are you here?”

Kevin was relieved to witness Jay finally speaking and fully acknowledging his surroundings. For a second there Kevin had feared the worst, that Jay hadn’t recognized them, or was in some sort of trance.

“I should be the one asking the questions since you no longer wear the badge,” Voight sounded almost amused. He must have been hiding his mixed feelings with humor. “You need us to call you a bus? You look like shit.”

Halstead stayed quiet for a moment, pondering whether he should say yes or not. He wouldn’t be the first to admit it out loud, but he felt like shit. Like absolute, proper shit. Kevin could see Jay struggling to decide, so he decided to step in. “5021 DAVID to dispatch, I need a bus to my location. There will be officers at the scene to escort paramedics to location,” Kevin could see the relief on Jay’s face and he gave the other man a small smile. Kevin spared a look to his boss. Voight looked… well, like he usually does. Slightly pissed at the entire world. But he was also worried. The whole team knew that Voight had a soft spot for Jay, probably viewed him as his own in some twisted yet loving way. 

Outside the building, Hailey heard Atwater calling for a bus on the radio. Her head turned around to look at the entrance of the building. Should she go back in? Make her way back to Halstead, sitting in that dusty old apartment. What would she even say? And to her surprise, she found herself answering that question. Nothing. She has nothing to say to Jay. Hailey stood up, slipping her hand free of Kim’s. “I can’t, I can’t be here,” she muttered. Not giving Kim a chance to intervene, she quickly made her way to one of the vehicles, hopping into the driver’s seat and pulling out of the parking lot.

Chapter Text

He was getting frustrated. Why did he think going to a hospital was a good idea? Hospitals were filled with needles, fucking needles. He thought back to his many previous hospital visits and tries to think of a single occasion where he wasn’t stuck with at least one needle. Yeah, he was drawing a blank. Hospitals equal needles.

Jay lay in bed, head buried on a scratchy pillow, recapping the events of the day.  Not soon after Atwater had radioed for a bus, a pair of paramedics that he didn’t recognize barged into the apartment. Atwater and Voight had been pushed back and out of the room, leaving Jay to fend for himself. Unfortunately for him, both of the medics had been the no-nonsense type of people, fully ignoring his attempts to downplay his injuries. Well, he wasn’t actively injured at the time, but still.

The paramedics took his vitals and immediately went ahead and decided to transport him to Med. Jay did his best to protest, but truth be told he was exhausted. And before he knew it, he was in the back of an ambulance, with an IV in the crook of his arm, blood pressure cuff wrapped tightly around his arm, a blood ox monitor on the tip of his finger, and a half a dozen wires taped to his chest. The paramedic riding in the back with him had tried to put a cannula on his face to give him oxygen but that’s where Jay drew the line. He glanced on the ground, noticing his now destroyed shirt in shreds. He liked that shirt. At least they left his pants untouched, for now at least.

“Okay Mr. Halstead, are you currently on any medications? Have you taken anything we need to know about?” the medic, Wayne, asked him. The beeping of the monitors and the steady lulling of the ambulance moving might have been comforting to some, but not Jay. He felt like a cornered animal, strapped down to the gurney. Seeing the patient look on Wayne’s face, he shook his head. “I uhh I had a prescription for stuff but I wasn’t able to fill it,” he admitted. Wayne’s face stayed neutral. “Do you remember the names, or what they were for?” He scribbled something on his notebook. “Umm, no, I mean kind of. One was for anti-inflammation, and uhh some sort of general antibiotics I think. I started those but wasn’t able to finish the whole treatment. I was supposed to be on blood thinners for three more months but again, like I said I wasn’t able to get them,” Halstead spoke quietly, almost ashamed. If only they knew the whole story.

Wayne wrote down everything Halstead said. “And how much of your antibiotics were you unable to finish?” He wrote down Halstead’s answer, brow furrowing slightly. “And when was your amputation performed? I see your stump is still healing.” The question made Jay close his eyes and let out a long sigh.

Yeah, his stump. He still found it hard to believe some days. It had been almost five months now since the day he lost his leg. The day his life ended.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Wayne’s voice. He was patiently saying his name again. Jay opened his eyes to look at the medic. “Umm, originally about four and a half months ago I guess” he answered vaguely. Glimpses of that fateful night flashed before his eyes. Jay could feel himself slipping. Why did he let them take him? He just wanted to go back to the apartment. Left alone from the world. 

A gentle hand settled against Jay’s bicep. Startled by the sudden contact, he whipped his head towards whoever it was. Oh. Wayne. Of course. Still in the ambulance. The apartment must have been on the other side of town, the ride was taking ages.

“Mr. Halstead, did you hear my last question?” I asked if you had any other operations since then. Your surgical site seems newer than that,” Wayne asked, apparently again. Jay couldn’t make himself answer, so he just shrugged his shoulders. They would have his file at Med. They would know. Some might even recognize him as that’s where he was treated. Who was he kidding, most of them would recognize him as he was a regular visitor there before all this. Both as a patient and as a detective looking to interview suspects and victims.

Wayne must have realized his loss when he stopped pressing Jay for answers, instead he turned to his notebook and the monitors, writing down Jay’s vitals. Should have stayed home, Jay thought again. 

And so here he was, a couple of hours later, alone in his hospital room. Ironically it was the same room as last time. Coincidence, perhaps. The universe is mocking him, Jay was sure. The room must be the only one in the entire hospital that has no tv. He has counted the tiles on the ceiling a million times, and that’s just today.

He stared at his now two IVs, wondering if he should just pull them out and make a run for it. Oh right, he can’t. Not with one leg and no wheelchair or crutches. He glanced at his left leg, what’s left of it. It was resting innocently under the covers, doing absolutely nothing other than existing. Jay hates it for that.

Hard to blame something such as a leg. A person, sure, those are an easy target for blame. But a leg? No matter how often Jay has tried over the past months, he has never been able to successfully blame his leg. For getting injured in the first place. For getting a severe infection. Sepsis. Multiple surgeries in an attempt to save the limb. It just didn’t work out for him. He should probably blame himself. For not healing faster. For not getting to help sooner. For pushing himself too far. He squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the tears of frustration. 

A knock on the door startled him. God, he’s getting tired of being this jumpy all the time. He opens his eyes but doesn’t bother answering. People always come in no matter what he says.

Jay was half expecting to see Voight, or someone else from his old team, but instead an orderly walks in with a tray of food in his hands. “Good evening Mr. Halstead. How are you feeling? Here’s the meal you were promised. Sorry it’s not the most filling, but considering your current situation this is the best we are able to give you until you improve,” Jay managed a polite smile and a small nod. Luckily the other man takes the hint and leaves quickly.

Jay glanced at the clock. Almost five. If he wasn’t busy feeling sorry for himself, he might have been slightly offended that his team still hadn’t come to see him. Jay pushed himself up from the pillows into a more seated position, and pulled the tray of food closer to him. Yet another thing he didn’t like about hospitals. The food. He grabbed a spoon from the tray and tried the broth? of sorts. Exactly like he remembered it tasting. Horrible. The growling of his stomach was clear evidence that he should eat the damn broth, no matter how horrible it was. So he did. 

Chapter Text

As the clock was nearing five, the precinct showed no signs of slowing down. On the contrary, the day seemed to be just getting started. Yet Hailey and the rest of Intelligence felt like they’d been on the clock for two days.

Hailey found herself staring at Jay’s old desk, she’d done that more than once since they had returned from the apartment. How many hours ago was that? She didn’t know. She also didn’t know why all of them were here instead of with Jay.

Not that she wanted to see him. Because she didn’t. Not even a little bit. But someone should be with him. Or maybe Will is there. Oh god. Did Will even know that his brother was back in the States? She had a sinking feeling that Jay hadn’t told anyone he was back, Will wouldn’t have kept this from her, Hailey was sure.

She looked around the office. The rest of the team was scattered around the room, no one really seemed to be fully present. Hailey slipped into the break room and dialed Will’s number. He picked up after a few rings.

“Hailey! Not that I’m not happy to hear from you but why are you calling me?” Hailey had always found Will’s voice comforting. Maybe it was a doctor thing, who knows. “Hey Will. Sorry to be calling like this, but this couldn’t wait. Have you seen Jay recently?” Hailey decided that there was no point in small talk tonight. The line was silent for a while.

”What’s going on Hails? I haven’t seen him in over a year, it’s been months since he even bothered to call or write me,” Will sounded almost bitter. Hailey leaned against the counter, much like Jay always used to do. “He’s here, Will.” No reason to bear around the bush. “We found him this morning when we raided a double homicide suspect’s apartment. What the hell is going on, Will?” Hailey struggled to contain her frustration, and her voice carried over to the others, who turned to look at her.

“What do you mean he’s here? No, his current tour doesn’t end until next month. And even then he’s probably not coming back, you know that,” Will’s voice was shaking, Hailey was guessing he was fighting back tears. Letting out a breath she continued “Will, I’m a hundred percent sure he’s here. I saw him with my own eyes. So did everyone else. He’s at Med if you want to call and ask for him.” Hailey could hear rustling from the other end of the line, then muffled speaking. “I got to go, thanks for letting me know” came a quick response and the line went dead. 

Hailey joined her team after a short moment of calming herself. Voight came out of his office just as Hailey sat down at his desk. “Just got off the phone with Med. Halstead’s stable. Atwater, head over there and find out what we’re dealing with.”

Everyone turned to face Atwater, some with a questioning look. He raised his hands in surrender. “Don’t look at me like that. He just happened to open up to me a little before the bus got there. I have a feeling we shouldn’t crowd him anyways,” Atwater explained calmly, although he would have felt better if he didn’t have to go alone. But Voight was right, this was on him.

As he was putting on his jacket to leave, he stopped by Upton’s desk. “Do you want me to text you when I can?” he asked carefully. The whole situation was a mess. If Atwater was in Upton’s shoes, he couldn’t even try and begin to make sense of it all. But Upton shook her head no. “You better text Voight instead. He knows my number if he has something to say to me,” her response was almost too cold, but Atwater understood. Self preservation and whatnot. He gave her a quick smile before taking off. 

Voight watched the other man leave before turning his attention to the rest of his team. “Listen up. Now, I know we’re all in the dark here. I made some calls and we are no longer working the double homicide. Tonight, you go home. Get your heads on straight. Tomorrow, we’ll figure it out. Now go, I don’t want to see you back here until nine!” Voight ordered before retreating to his office, closing the door. Not leaving anything up for debate.

Burgess and Ruzek started a quiet conversation as they walked down the stairs while Upton and Torres hung back.

“You need any company tonight or would you rather be alone?” Torres asked. Over the months Upton had learned to trust and rely on Jay’s replacement, and she even considered him a somewhat good friend. “Thanks, but I’m good. Just going to head home and, I don’t know, try and process all this,” she answered with a sad smile. “Hard to process anything when we don’t know shit. Why wouldn’t he tell us, especially you, that he’s back. And did you see his leg? What the hell happened?” Torres was starting to ramble, and while Upton was thinking the exact same things, she really didn’t want to get into it in the middle of the precinct. “I don’t know and honestly? I’m having trouble giving a fuck right now. Maybe Atwater can get some answers,” Upton said with a sigh. She gathered her things and went down the stairs two at a time before Torres had a chance to start again. 

Voight stood in his office, staring out of the window. He was usually on top of things, in the loop, but this was different. How could he have not known?

Once upon a time he might have almost called Halstead his son, almost. The young detective managed to push all of Voight’s buttons the wrong way, wasn’t afraid to speak his mind or intervene if he thought Voight was crossing a line. Voight ran his hand across his face, and slumped down into the office chair.

He contemplated calling someone. Atwater? Halstead’s superiors from the military? Or Will? Voight found himself unable to pick up the phone. He’d done his best to convince Halstead not to leave Intelligence, then tried his best to move on. Halstead would have made a fine sergeant, Intelligence was supposed to be his future. But the kid threw it all away for some Bolivian drug lords. What was he thinking?

Voight had hated watching Upton slowly lose her spark as she lost hope that her now-ex husband would come back safely. Voight, like the rest of them, hadn’t missed how eventually she stopped wearing her wedding ring, and then eventually Voight noticed the stack of divorce papers on her desk she had brought to work while she thought no one was looking. That’s when Voight had called Halstead, hoping to rip him a new one, but his call was unanswered. He fought the urge to barge into his hospital room and shake some answers from him. That’s what Atwater was for. Those two had always gotten along well, hung out the most - if you don’t count Upton - during their free time. Voight just had to trust Atwater to get them all some much needed answers.

Chapter Text

Kevin was nervous. He barely ever felt nervous. On the drive over to Med he could feel himself getting more and more antsy. While he was happy to see his friend again, he was also unsure whether he was a wanted visitor or not.

Kevin had driven home to take a quick shower and to get a fresh pair of clothes for Jay. Jay and him weren’t exactly the same size, especially since Jay had seemingly lost weight, but Kevin was sure he would appreciate the gesture nonetheless.

He checked the clock on the elevator. Almost six now. Nearly an hour since Voight had told him to check on Jay. Kevin had half the mind to bring his badge with him, if for some reason the visiting hours would end before he was finished. Flashing a badge usually got them a few extra minutes, and Kevin was sure that most of the nurses would let him stay longer anyway. Apparently he had a kind face that nurses liked, or so Will Halstead had once told him. 

The elevator came to a stop, giving Kevin no more time to get himself together. He exited the elevator and gripped his gym bag more tightly, finding comfort in its rough handles. It was grounding, feeling the worn down fabric in his fists. He glanced around the quiet halls of the hospital. Odd. Usually doctors and nurses were wandering around, pushing carts and quietly mumbling about patients and medical procedures and so on. But Kevin saw no one on the floor. He continued towards the direction of Jay’s room, and came to a stop at the closed door of his room. After taking a couple of deep breaths, he knocked on the door.

—

Jay was once again pulled from his thoughts by a knock on the door. He turned his head towards the noise, and decided to answer this time. “Come in,” he said. It took the person on the other side of the door a while, but eventually the door swung open. Jay sighed.

It was Kevin, looking a little lost and unsure of himself. Jay felt bad, and decided to put on his big boy pants and make Kevin feel welcome. “Umm, hi Kev. Come on in,” he said awkwardly. While Kevin made his way to the chair next to Jay’s bed, he adjusted himself on the bed. Grunting a little when the tape of the IVs tugged at his skin. God, he wanted to rip them off so bad.

Kevin sat down next to him and let the gym bag drop free of his hold. “Hey man. You’re looking better,” Kevin shuddered at his own voice. He sounded so pretentious. Jay gave the other man a small, lopsided smile.

An almost comfortable silence followed. Jay could see that Kevin was really struggling here. Who could blame him? Jay’d been gone for over a year, came back broken and damaged beyond repair, and hadn't told anyone, literally no one, that he was back in Chicago. Somehow he had managed to convince the hospital staff at Med to keep quiet about his return. Or maybe they couldn’t say anything even if they wanted to. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that.

Jay studied Kevin’s face a bit longer before speaking. “I know you must have about a million questions right now. You can ask, or I can give you some of the details first,” he tried. Kevin considered his options, and opted for the latter. “I umm, brought you some fresh and clean clothes. I wasn’t sure what happened to your old ones, and I know how much you hate this hospital crap,” Kevin waved his hand towards the gym bag. A warm smile crossed Jay’s lips. He was happy to see Kevin despite the circumstances. “Thanks,” he said, with genuine appreciation in his voice.

“I’m just going to tell you how it is. I don’t have the energy to tiptoe around anything anymore. I liked Bolivia, I liked the work I did there. I had a good team, made some new friends and met up with old ones. I knew before I even left that I wouldn’t be able to come back, back to Intelligence. I just didn’t have the guts to say it then. I asked my boss, begged him to let me extend my contract. I didn’t want to come home. Before he officially signed my new contract… I ran into some trouble.” Kevin couldn’t help but chuckle at that. Leave it to Halstead to find trouble wherever he was. Jay gave him a small smile back.

“After I was…. afterwards I was a mess. There’s no denying that. I just. Wasn’t the same anymore, right? I could barely look at myself. So you can guess that I simply wasn’t ready for everyone else. So much time had passed anyways. You guys moved on. Hail- Upton did at least,” Jay sounded so… defeated. Kevin had never seen him like this, and he’d seen Jay all sorts of messed up before. Nothing like this though. “Most days I can still barely stand to look at myself. It just, made it easier somehow you know? Knowing that I didn’t have to put on a brave face for anyone.”

Jay seemed to finish for now. Kevin had no words. How could Jay think that the team would see him any different? Obviously, Jay was different but not in a way that would’ve mattered. Yet Kevin still didn’t fully understand. “I get that, Jay. But I still don’t understand what happened. Can you tell me?” Kevin pressed carefully. It was clear that Jay was struggling to recall the events that led to his leg being taken from him, but Kevin had to know.

Jay stayed silent, gathering the strength to continue. “About ten days before Hail- Upton last called my boss, I was doing recon on a potential target. It was supposed to be low level, just a quick in and out and no one would know. Story of my tours overseas, huh? It went to shit pretty quick. There was a leak. I was compromised before I even left the base, you know. They were waiting for me. I umm, fought like hell but everyone has their limits. Took my guys a while to get me back. I don’t blame them, of course. They did their best. But it was already too late.” Jay’s voice trailed off.

Kevin digested the information he now had. Jay had been captured, held by the enemy. Before Hailey had inquired about him. And his boss had said nothing. “How long?” Kevin managed to ask. At first Jay only shrugged. Kevin kept waiting though. “It was umm, not that long. A few weeks, not even a month. Close though, but not.” he tried to downplay it, like he did with everything.

Kevin almost gasped. Nearly a month?! Kevin wanted to find Jay’s boss and exchange a few chosen words with him. What the hell. He could sense there was more to the story so he decided to wait for Jay to continue on his own. “Yeah umm. I wasn’t that badly hurt or anything. Other than my leg. They tried, you know. To save it, I mean. They really did. At one point I was even optimistic, almost. Well, you see where that got me. They couldn’t save it. Almost killed me in the process. The sepsis I mean. Couldn’t even do that right” Jay scoffed at the last bit. Kevin gave his friend a worried look. “What’s that mean?” he demanded immediately. Jay couldn’t meet his eyes anymore. “Nothing. Just forget it.” His answer was strained. Kevin interpreted that as ‘Jay let something slip and was trying yet again to downplay it’. 

Maybe a change of topics would be good. “How’d you end up in that apartment? You know the reputation of that dump, right?” Kevin tried. At least Jay could face him again. “After I got back, I was in a bad way. If that wasn’t obvious already. I had nowhere to go. Couldn’t go to Will, obviously not. You guys, I don’t even know where to begin with that. But everything I had, which was not much since I had poured all my savings into the apartment I got with Upton, was here in Chicago. I would have gone almost anywhere else than here if I could have. Sold my car. Couldn’t drive it even if I wanted to. Was able to crash with someone for a while. Didn’t work out. His fiancée didn’t appreciate my ugly mug on the living room couch. Scared the kids apparently. Can’t blame them. So I left. Didn’t have many options, you saw where that got me. Just wanted to be left alone, you know?” Jay explained quietly.

Poor guy. Kevin could see how badly he was struggling. “I spoke with one of the paramedics that brought you in, Wayne? According to him, you didn’t even complete your antibiotics. What was that about?” Kevin tried to gather as much information as possible. Jay scoffed. “I got to spell everything out for you, huh? Didn’t have the money for it. Not that I cared all that much at that point. Had some complications, okay? Was in this very room not that long ago. They kept trying to let me call for you. I didn’t, so” Jay finished. This right here is why he didn’t want anyone to know in the first place. The look on Kevin’s face. Pity. He hated that almost as much as hospitals. Almost.

“Brother you know we would have helped you. Ask anyone and you could have crashed with them. Even Hailey,” Kevin said firmly. Jay quickly shook his head. “No. That’s the last thing I wanted. To be your charity case, right?” He was so tired of this. “Don’t try and pretend that everything’s alright. It’s not. I don’t owe you anything, okay? Just because you feel bad for me doesn’t mean I have to let you take care of me just so you can feel better about yourself. There’s nothing you could have done four months ago and there’s nothing you can do now.” Jay almost spat the words out. Frustration and anger were bubbling inside him. Why did Kevin have to show up? Jay was hopeful that he would have been able to get discharged tomorrow, and slip away before anyone was the wiser. But no. Kevin just had to come and ruin everything.

“You know you don’t have to be here. I’m fine.” Jay stated quietly. He just wanted to close his eyes and sleep the day away. But Kevin had other plans. “Halstead you know me better than that. You can’t even watch today’s game. What sort of room even is this, where’s the tv?” Kevin made a point to look around the room in pretend confusion. “How about I ask the nurse if you can change into the clothes I brought for you. Unless you want to rock that granny gown of yours.” he was having a hard time keeping the tease from his voice. He could see Jay roll his eyes. Gotcha. Kevin stood up to find for a nurse, leaving Jay with his thoughts. 

Twenty minutes later, a nurse left Jay’s room. She had taken his vitals, checked his IV sites and the pressure bandage around his stump before clearing him to very carefully get dressed. Jay had been given the choice of Kevin’s help or the nurse’s help. And the universe must have possessed him for a second because Jay found himself asking for Kevin’s help. Kevin looked almost horrified for a split second before he got it together. Jay asked for him. Kevin wasn’t about to let him down by being weirded out by the request, so he internally scolded himself for making a face and picked up the gym bag from the floor and tossed it on the bed.

“I got you a few options, go ahead and take a look” Kevin said in a steady voice. It’ll be fine, Kevin thought to himself. Jay trusts me enough. I won’t let him down. Jay picked out a black t-shirt, a hoodie with a zipper and some loose fitting gray sweatpants. Jay was already familiar with changing clothes while being attached to monitors and wires, so he did most of the work while Kevin hovered nearby.

Kevin watched as his friend carefully disconnected the monitors and IVs from the bags hanging above his bed, then maneuvered the shirt over his head. Kevin fought the sad feeling. Jay had clearly done this many times before. How many times had he been hurt and the team didn’t know? Kevin didn’t want to consider the answer for too long. Instead he held out the hoodie for Jay, who shook his head. Right. Jay wasn’t leaving anytime soon so he wouldn’t need the hoodie. Kevin tossed it onto the chair that he had vacated. He then glanced at the gray pants. “Just let me know what you need and I’ll do it,” Kevin said. Jay hummed but said nothing.

Kevin fought the urge to help him when he struggled to pull himself to the edge of the bed. Kevin didn’t want to overstep, so he stayed put. Jay would ask if he needed anything. Kevin couldn’t help but stare at the stump once Jay settled. He must have noticed because he spoke up. “I’d say it doesn’t hurt to ease your mind but I’d be lying” Jay said curtly. Kevin tore his gaze away from the stump and looked at Jay. He had a half amused look on his face that was clouded by exhaustion. Kevin gave him an apologetic smile and stepped closer. He grabbed the pants and held them in front of Jay. The man made no attempt to take them. “If you’d rather I ask the nurse I won’t be offended,” he said softly. Kevin was quick to shake his head. “Nah man, I’m good. Got nowhere else to be. Just tell me what to do” Kevin answered before Jay would change his mind. Kevin got a quick nod from Jay, who tossed the hospital gown away from his lap where it had been covering his lower body.

“Can you, umm, put my right leg into the pants first and pull them up as high as you can?” Jay asked almost shyly. Kevin immediately did as instructed. He gently lifted Jay’s leg from the floor and pulled the pants over his foot and past his knee until the edge of the bed was in his way. He glanced at Jay for more instructions. Jay sighed and carefully grabbed the pants from Kevin’s hold. He lifted his stump so it wasn’t touching the mattress as much, and pulled the left pant leg over his stump. He shook his hips, tugging the pants up as much as he could until he said to Kevin “Can you umm, hold out your arm so I won’t face plant to the floor when I stand up?” Kevin nodded and adjusted himself until his thighs were touching the bed. He held out his arm and waited for Jay.

Jay grabbed the offered hand with his right and slowly, with more assistance from Kevin, pulled himself into a standing position. His left hand that had been holding the pants pulled them fully on, and just like that, Halstead was dressed. Kevin prepared to lower Jay back down but he shook his head. “Might as well use the bathroom now that I’m up and free from my chains” Jay suggested. Kevin chuckled at that. Chains, IVs and heart monitors, basically the same thing to Jay. “Just tell me what to do and you got it” Kevin said with a smile.

The pair made their way to the bathroom, which was unconventionally far from the bed if you asked Kevin. At least there were multiple railings in the bathroom itself. Jay grabbed one as soon as he was close enough. “You can, you know, wait outside,” Jay said with a playful smile. Kevin smiled at him before raising his hands in surrender. 

That was the first genuine smile he had gotten from Jay all day. Kevin pushed the door shut and waited nearby. He took the opportunity to look at the time. Almost seven now. Visiting hours would officially end in about ten minutes. Kevin wished he could stay for a little longer than that, and planned to ask that from the nurse that would come and tell him to come back the next day. He heard the toilet flush, and the tap turning on. Kevin walked back to the bathroom door and waited for Jay to open it. Shortly he did. Jay looked even more exhausted than a few minutes ago. “Come on, brother. Let’s get you back in that bed of yours,” Kevin said and offered his hand to Jay who grabbed it almost immediately. 

Once the duo had successfully managed the trip back to the bed, Kevin watched Jay attach all of the monitor wires. However, he left the IVs untouched. “Don’t forget these two,” Kevin chuckled. Halstead made a face at him but didn’t ignore Kevin’s request.

“You know you can go now. They’re going to kick you out anyways. Might as well save them the trip,” Jay said after he was happy tolerant enough with the placement of the wires and tubes. Kevin sat on the chair and studied his friend. Jay could definitely use the rest. But Kevin had a bad feeling in his stomach that if he walked out these doors and went home, he would never see Jay again.

Kevin nudged his badge he had clipped on his belt. “Watch them try. Besides, we still have things to catch up on,” Kevin declared firmly. He would not leave until he was physically dragged out. Jay shrugged. “Suit yourself I guess”. Jay busied himself with the blanket, positioning it better, while Kevin took out his phone. He contemplated texting the team, or maybe even calling one of them but decided against it. This night was for him and Jay. “Yo, you want anything from the cafeteria? I need to stretch my legs and get something to snack on,” Kevin stood up. A longing expression crossed Jay’s face. Kevin grimaced inwardly. Of course. Jay probably wants nothing more than to stand up and stretch his own legs… leg. “Don’t sweat it, man. You don’t need to watch your words. I’m a big boy, I can deal,” Jay said firmly, reaching a comforting hand on Kevin’s hip. That was all he could reach anyway with Kevin standing and Jay bound to the bed. “Just grab yourself whatever. I’m, I’m okay,” Jay finishes before pulling his hand away. Once again Kevin grimaced. Obviously Jay didn’t want anything. He didn’t have the money to buy it. Kevin gave him a quick nod and made his way to the door. “Don’t go anywhere, alright?” He could hear Jay chuckling behind his back as he closed the door behind him.

Chapter Text

Kevin was positively surprised to hear that the nurses would let him stay the night. He originally hadn’t planned on staying the whole night, but recalling Jay’s words of the nurses wanting to contact someone for Jay the last time he was here, Kevin figured the nurses were just happy to see Jay not alone anymore.

While Kevin had been walking back to Jay’s room, he stopped a nurse and asked if he could stay a bit longer. The nurse had given him a bright smile and eventually he even wheeled in an extra bed for Kevin in Jay’s room. Jay being Jay, resisted and tried to tell everyone no, but his demands were ignored. It was now past eight, and Kevin was munching on his cafeteria haul. He had kicked off his shoes and was sitting on his own bed, one leg dangling over the edge, one bent in front of him in bed. Jay put on a brave face and insisted he didn’t need anything from the cafeteria, but eventually caved when Kevin kept throwing candy bars at him. The pair sat in comfortable silence, only broken by the steady beeping of the monitors.

When the nurses had brought in the extra bed for Kevin, one of them had taken Jay’s vitals again, and wrapped a blood pressure cuff on his arm. “Listen, I know we agreed to no cuff and blood ox monitor, but your vitals are still not where we want them. I don’t want to have to wake you throughout the night, so let’s just leave these on so I can see everything from the monitors instead. Deal?” the nurse’s tone left no room for negotiation, and Jay admitted defeat and swallowed his pride. Kevin stayed silent during the ordeal. Jay really must be way worse than what he let on. After a few more quiet conversations between the nurse and Jay, the men were left alone in the room.

“I won’t push you for answers tonight if you don’t want to share but I would like to hear more Jay” Kevin tried carefully. He hoped that between Jay’s exhaustion and candy bribes he would be willing to share more. And Kevin was in luck. Jay turned in his bed, somewhat facing Kevin. “It’s just the infection I guess. Since I wasn’t able to finish the antibiotics. My body is apparently still adjusting to everything,” Jay motioned to his missing leg. Kevin nodded absentmindedly. “Is there something else? You know I can’t shake the feeling that there’s still something you’re hiding,” Kevin said. Jay stayed silent for long enough that Kevin thought he had pushed too far. But Jay eventually spoke again.

“You know they tried to, umm, save my leg in Bolivia. I wasn’t fit to fly anywhere due to being at risk of developing blood clots. But if you’d ever been to Bolivia, you wouldn’t want to be treated there. So I signed myself out of the hospital the first chance I got and got on a plane with a buddy of mine. Flew back home. Big mistake I guess. Threw up a clot like the docs had said I would. It like, started in my leg but because the universe hates me, it traveled to my lung. Freaked the hell out of my buddy. Threw up blood in his brand new car and everything. Just my luck that we had a layover in Chicago, so I was brought here to Med. I think they called it an embolism or something. Anyways. At that point the infection and the clots had already done their damage.” Jay spoke in a monotone voice. “I begged them, you know. Not to take it. Like they had a choice. I was practically delirious by the time they wheeled me in here. Probably scarred a security guard for life, I was messed up, man. Woke up some days later, leg gone, pumped full of more drugs than I can even remember. Couldn’t even blame anyone. They warned me, in Bolivia. Fly and you’ll lose your leg. What do they know about me, that’s what I thought before signing out. I bet they’re laughing at me now.”

Kevin stared at his friend. “Could they have..?” “Saved my leg in Bolivia? No. No chance. I had just bullied everyone into trying, it was a lost cause way before I even made it to the hospital. It was just, poisoned with infected tissue. Significant structural damage. I’d show you the pictures but I don’t want you to lose your appetite. Umm. Yeah, no. There was no saving it. I get that now. It’s just. Hard to let go sometimes. I was in denial for a long time. Still am most days. Should be dead by all means, stubborn like my old man.” Jay mumbled. Kevin stood up and shook the crumbs off his lap. He walked over to Jay and carefully wrapped his arms around the man. Jay flinched at the contact but made no effort to fight him off. He eventually raised one of his hands to rest against Kevin’s. 

They stayed like that for a while until Jay pulled back. Kevin looked at his face. He hadn’t even noticed the other man’s silent crying. Jay wiped his face with the hem of his shirt. “Sorry about that. But you asked,” Jay shrugged. Kevin gave him a sad smile. How many sad smiles had crossed his face in the last 12 hours alone? More than in the past couple of months, probably. “No brother, don’t apologize. You have nothing to apologize for,” Kevin gave a pat on Jay’s back before pulling back, sitting on the chair next to Jay’s bed. Jay looked skeptical, not believing Kevin’s last words. It’s alright, Kevin thought. He will believe me one day. “How about we call it a night, huh? I can leave my phone on, put on one of those podcasts if you like,” Kevin offered, grabbing his phone and handing it to Jay. Kevin hadn’t seen Jay’s phone all day and wondered if he even had it anymore. “I still have it. Must be back at the apartment,” Jay answered once Kevin asked. Jay scrolled Kevin’s Spotify recommendations until he found a podcast that didn’t seem completely boring. He pressed play, adjusted the volume to an appropriate level, and handed the phone back to Kevin. “You can text them you know. I know you’ve been avoiding that,” Jay said before letting his head hit the pillows. Kevin moved the chair in a better position and left his phone on it. Now they both could hear the podcast. “Thanks, brother. Get some rest, alright?” Kevin said and watched Jay turn on his side, facing away from him. Kevin sighed and grabbed his gym back. Luck was on his side as he found his toiletries inside a small pouch he usually kept in there. He went to the bathroom and swiftly finished his nightly routine before returning to the other room. Jay was in the same position as before. Kevin tiptoed to his bed, and took one last glimpse at the clock. 8:57pm. He couldn’t remember the last time he was headed to bed this early, but he wasn’t about to complain. He shredded off his hoodie, socks and jeans, leaving on his boxers and a loosely fitting t-shirt. He slid under the covers. “Goodnight, Jay” he whispered. There was no response. 

Chapter Text

Hailey couldn’t sleep. She stared at the ceiling of her bedroom and tried to empty her mind to no avail. She glanced at the clock on her nightstand. Just past midnight. With a groan, she stood up and walked to the kitchen.

The apartment was mostly dark, the lights from the streets illuminated the room ever so slightly. Hailey sat on a bar stool and leaned against the counter. She let her head slowly drop down to the cool surface of the counter. What was she going to do? Before she had headed to bed, Hailey texted everyone asking if Atwater had contacted any of them. He hadn’t. Did Voight tell him not to, or was there simply nothing to tell? Hailey quickly shook her head to get rid of the thoughts. She didn’t care. Halstead had made it painfully clear that he didn’t want her in his life anymore. She had moved on. Really, she had. It was one of the hardest things she had ever done, but she had picked up the broken pieces of her heart, stitched them back together and locked it in her chest, behind the tightest of walls and guards. She moved on. No man would ever break her heart like that ever again. Especially not Jay fucking Halstead.

Hailey raised her head and curled her hands into tight fists. She fought the urge to break something, smash the entire apartment into a million little pieces. She didn’t know why she had stayed there. It was her and his apartment, after all. Maybe she hadn’t moved on as far as she originally thought. No. She had, remember? Jay was nothing but a tiny, meaningless memory in the back of her mind. With a firm puff of released air from her lungs, Haily stood up with determination. She would lie down, close her eyes, and sleep until her alarm went off. Period. 

— —

Kim and Adam sat at their kitchen table. Both were nursing a mug of tea. Something Kim had picked up recently, drinking tea. Adam had hated it at first, but today he found it rather comforting. He looked at his fiancée and sighed. “You think he’s okay? Halstead,” Adam asked quietly. Kim looks up from her mug and smiles softly. “I honestly don’t know, Adam. How could he be? We all saw him,” Kim’s voice was filled with sadness. Adam hated Jay for this, making her sad. He reached out with his hand, and Kim was quick to grab it with her own. “I just don’t get it. How could he not tell us? We are practically family, aren’t we? Together on the team for almost a decade. He has some nerve,” Adam grumbled. Kim smoothed his palm with her fingers. “Hey, I don’t get it either but getting worked up over it won’t help anyone. Especially Jay,” Kim started and Adam sent her a firm look. “Stop right there, Adam. You don’t know what he’s been through, okay? And you know Jay, he can be as stubborn as a mule on a good day. We’ll get to the bottom of this, okay? Kevin’s got him” Kim scolded her fiancé. Fiancé. Jay didn’t even know they were engaged again. Oh, Jay. There was so much to catch up on. Kim just wished it wasn’t too late. 

— —

Voight really should listen to his own advice every now and then. The clock on the precinct wall was nearing three in the morning, and he still hadn’t been home. He couldn’t make himself leave. To go to the empty apartment that was waiting for him. At least here in the precinct, he could hear the voices of other people going on about their shifts.

It wasn’t the first time in recent months that Hank had avoided going home. There was nothing there for him. He might as well crash here, that way he would immediately know if someone from the team tried to disobey him by sneaking back here earlier than he had told. Again, he considered calling Atwater. At 3am. Okay, maybe not. Voight was daft sometimes, but not that badly. In six hours the rest of the team would be here, and hopefully Atwater would make an appearance then too.

Voight grabbed his phone and decided on sending a text. Stop by when you can. 9am at the earliest. He typed and pressed send. Thinking back on how Halstead had seemed at the apartment, Voight hoped that Atwater had been able to get at least something out of him. He grunted, and stood from his chair. He made his way to the couch in the break room and kicked off his shoes. Slumping down on the worn leather, he stretched his arms before falling to the side and pulling his legs up to the couch. Nothing to do but wait. He closed his eyes and found himself thinking about Justin, his son. How he had lost one son already. He was damn sure he wasn’t going to lose another. 

— —

Kevin startled awake. He hadn’t remembered to mute his phone before nodding off, and was awakened by a message sound. He quickly stood up and was pleased to see Jay still asleep. He had turned to face Kevin’s bed at some point in the night. Kevin studied his friend’s face. He rarely looked fully restful, and tonight was no exception. Jay’s brows were furrowed ever so slightly, and his eyes were moving rapidly under the closed lids. His lips moved occasionally, as if he was about to say something but changed his mind at the last second before any sound came out. Maybe he was having a nightmare, or just a dream.

Kevin studied him a while longer but didn’t try to wake him. Remembering the reason why he was up at three in the morning, Kevin silently moved to his phone. The podcast was still playing, and Kevin left it on. He grabbed the phone and looked at the screen, noticing a message from his boss. He sighed and opened it. He read it quickly but didn’t answer. Voight would see he had read it, that was enough. He then placed the phone back on the chair and took one quick glance at Jay before returning to his bed. Sitting on the bed made a surprising amount of noise, and Jay’s eyes slowly opened. Kevin waited to see if he would speak. Jay seemed slightly disoriented and not fully there, and Kevin didn’t dare to approach him in this state.

Eventually Jay blinked a few more times and rubbed his eyes. “Kev? What time is it?” he asked, voice rough with sleep. Kevin stood again and approached Jay’s bed. “Hey, sorry for waking you. It’s around three I think. You need anything?” Kevin spoke quietly to not fully scare away the sleep from Jay. Jay looked around, slightly confused. “Oh. It’s okay, I was probably going to wake up soon anyway. Can you..?” Halstead started but didn’t let himself finish. Kevin moved closer to Jay’s bed, reaching above it to turn on a small light. “What is it, brother?” Kevin asked. Jay pulled himself up slightly and looked at his ex coworker. Kevin seemed genuine. “Umm. Do you mind helping me to the bathroom?” his voice was barely a whisper. Kevin nodded immediately and busied himself in lowering the railing of Jay’s bed. Jay began freeing himself from his ‘chains’, which took longer than earlier.

Kevin hovered and offered help where it maybe wasn’t needed, but Jay accepted it anyways. Kevin then offered his hand like he had earlier in the evening, and Jay took it. Kevin noticed how he did most of the work getting to the bathroom but said nothing. This time he even helped Jay sit down on the toilet. “I’ll wait outside, okay, but if you don’t mind I’m going to leave the door cracked open, ok?” Kevin said gently. Jay only nodded in response. Kevin backed out and pushed the door mostly shut. He busied himself with anything else as he waited for Jay to finish. Maybe Kevin should have woken him up earlier. Something was clearly bothering Jay, and Kevin couldn’t figure out what it was. 

He didn’t have time to mull it over any longer as Jay finished washing his hands and pushed the door open. Kevin hurried to his side and again took most of his weight as he helped Jay back to bed. “How are you feeling Jay? You need anything else?” he asked once Jay was back in bed. Jay avoided his question and distracted himself by connecting each wire, cuff and tube. He briefly wondered why the nurses hadn’t left him a wheelchair. Maybe he would ask for it tomorrow, or rather, in the morning.

After Jay had double checked each wire, he spared a look at Kevin. He was still standing next to Jay’s bed, waiting for an answer to his earlier question. Stubborn son of a bitch. “It’s fine. Go back to bed, I’ll deal with it,” Jay deflected and turned his attention to the blood pressure cuff. Kevin shook his head. He had already watched Jay adjust the cuff twice. The man was running out of ways to avoid Kevin. “Look, man. Something’s clearly bothering you, and I can’t figure out what it is so please just tell me,” Kevin’s voice sounded almost pleading. Jay let out a frustrated huff. Someone remind him why letting Kevin stay was a good idea, please. The man just wouldn’t quit. Deep down, Jay kind of loved him for it though. It had been so long since someone cared for him. Someone other than a medical professional whose literal job it was to care for him.

“It’s nothing, I promise. Just the leg, okay? It sometimes does this thing. I’ll manage,” Jay eventually explained. Kevin waited for more but Jay wasn’t giving it. “Come on, man. Don’t be like that. We are literally in a hospital. They can help you with whatever it is,” Kevin exclaimed with a hint of frustration. “Just tell me already, I won’t be able to sleep if I know you’re actively suffering right next to me.” That finally got Jay to fold. He turned his eyes back to Kevin, and reached for the call button to request a nurse. Kevin nodded approvingly and sat down on the chair to wait for the nurse.

A few minutes later, a nurse joined them. “Hello Mr. Halstead. Is everything alright?” the nurse, a petite older woman asked with a friendly smile. Jay glanced at Kevin - was he smiling, that smug little bitch - and turned his attention back to the nurse. “Umm. Hi. Yeah. I woke up a while ago due to some pretty bad nerve pains. I sometimes get them during the night if I sleep on my left side.” Kevin’s face fell. Jay had slept like that for most of the night as far as he could tell. Probably didn’t want to look at Kevin while he was falling asleep.

The nurse gave Jay an understanding nod, and approached his chart. After scanning it for a while, she seemed to find whatever it was that she was looking for. “Well, Mr. Halstead. We have a couple of options. First is the simplest, and one I recommend. Pain relief, you need the rest and this is the best way to guarantee it.” the nurse explained. Jay immediately shook his head. “I remember the last time I had those meds. No. What else?” His voice was firm, almost angry. Kevin stayed silent and the nurse sighed. “I can loosen the pressure bandage around the stump, sometimes deep pressure can irritate the nerves and muscles as you know. However, due to your previous history with blood clots, I would not recommend this. It isn’t guaranteed to bring you relief and it would take a while to tell anyway” the nurse explained.

Jay considered his options. “You have me back on blood thinners, so the chance of a clot is slim, right? Can’t you just loosen it and give me something else for the pain” Jay suggested. The nurse took another look at Jay’s chart and seemed pleased with what she saw. “Very well, Mr. Halstead. If you don’t mind sitting up for me, at the edge of the bed please,” she gave in and exited the room briefly, presumably to fetch the medicine.

Kevin helped Jay sit up and backed away from the bed to give the nurse some room. She returned with a vial in her hand. Kevin could also see a small pack in her coat’s pocket. A needle. Kevin quickly approached Jay again, carefully positioning himself so that the needle packet was hidden from Jay’s view. The nurse sent  Kevin a curious look but didn’t say anything. She pulled on a pair of latex gloves and kneeled in front of Jay.

“Alright, you might feel some discomfort at first. Let me know immediately if it becomes too much. Oh, and a fair warning, Mr. Halstead. I’m going to remove the wrap completely and then reapply it, okay?” the nurse waited for Jay’s approval. Kevin wondered at the nurse’s words, then the realization hit him. Jay didn’t like seeing his stump without any covers on it. That has to be it. And now that he was looking, he thought Jay’s skin was slightly paler, and was he even sweating? Kevin reached out to take Jay’s hand in his and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Jay’s wild eyes turned to look at Kevin for a short moment before he nodded okay to the nurse. She began to carefully unwrap the pressure bandage around his stump, and Kevin studied Jay’s face the entire time.

Once or twice Jay twisted his face in clear discomfort but didn’t say anything. And before he even noticed it, the bandage was off completely. Kevin wondered if he was allowed to look. Man, he was so curious though. Kevin couldn’t help himself and the words spilled out of his mouth. “Hey man, you want to take a quick look with me?” Jay sent him a horrified look, and even the nurse sent him a glare. But Jay recovered quickly. “Umm. Sure, I guess,” he muttered to Kevin’s surprise. Kevin felt Jay tighten his hold on his hand. Kevin gave him a reassuring smile and looked down.

Kevin wasn’t sure what he was expecting if he was being honest. Blood and gore and bleeding sores? Kevin had seen many unimaginable things over the years, including dismembered corpses, but he now realized that he had never seen a healed, or mostly healed amputation site before.

The skin above Jay’s left knee was mangled and scarred. It looked like some tissue had been removed from his thigh at some point. Kevin could make out clean surgical scars on both sides of his kneecap. Evidently there had been some damage to either his kneecap or the ligaments around it. Or maybe both. He let his gaze wander lower. About three inches below his knee, his leg simply stopped. There was nothing there. The stump itself was… it was not pretty. No point in denying that. The skin was red from irritation, small burn scars littered the skin, and the end of the stump had a long, angry looking horizontal scar. There were no sutures or staples anymore, and Kevin took that as a good sign. He found himself staring a bit too long, and he tore his eyes elsewhere. He almost felt lightheaded. Sure, he realized Jay’s leg was gone but seeing it made it final. Absolute. Kevin took a few steadying breaths and moved his attention to Jay.

Jay’s eyes were squeezed shut and he was breathing heavily. Kevin immediately moved closer. He gently laid his hands on his shoulders. “Easy there, brother. You’re alright. Just look at me, okay?” Kevin started muttering comforting words to his friend. The nurse started wrapping the bandage around the stump while Kevin spoke.

Jay eventually opened his eyes to look at Kevin. Kevin kept talking, not saying much of importance, and Jay kept looking at him. Eventually, the nurse finished and stood up. Kevin gave Jay one last squeeze on his shoulder before taking a few steps back. “I’m sorry about that Mr. Halstead. All finished now though. How’s that, does it feel any better than before?” The nurse spoke softly, also attempting to soothe Jay. Jay didn’t take his eyes from Kevin but nodded. “Yeah. Thanks,” he replied shortly. He sounded so exhausted. Kevin felt bad for him but refused to show it on his face. It hadn’t taken him long to realize how much Halstead hated seeing pity on his face. The worst was yet to come, Kevin knew as the nurse sneakily tried to make her way closer to one of Jay’s IVs.

Kevin once again stepped in and placed a hand on Halstead’s neck this time. “Just look at me, alright brother. It’ll be alright” Kevin spoke softly in a soothing manner. Jay’s eyes pierced into Kevin’s, unblinking, unseeing. He fought back tears that threatened to slip free. He could hear the nurse over his shoulder but willed himself to keep looking into Kevin’s eyes. The logical part in him knew that the nurse wouldn’t need to prick him with the needle this time but he couldn’t help himself. All of his muscles were tense, his jaw was tightly shut. Some more rustling, and then the nurse was peeling off her gloves. Kevin loosened his hold on Jay, gave him a quick pat before letting go completely. Jay almost collapsed back onto the bed. He let out a shaking breath. “I’m sorry sweetie, but it’s all over now,” the nurse comforted. She added a couple of notes into Jay’s charts and quietly exited the room.

Kevin sat down in his chair. Damn, that was rough. “You alright there Halstead?” he asked carefully. Jay gave him a quick thumbs up but didn’t acknowledge him any further. Kevin felt bad. If he had kept his mouth shut about looking at the stump then maybe Jay would have dealt with it better. “It’s not your fault you know,” Jay mumbled quietly. The heart monitor was just now returning to normal levels, and Jay’s muscles were almost completely relaxed again. “Thanks for, you know…” his voice trailed off, and he spared a quick look towards Kevin. He had a genuine smile on his face. “Don’t mention it. I meant it before, I’m here for you, whatever you need.” Kevin responded. “Now get some sleep, I have a feeling we both need all the energy we can muster tomorrow.”

Chapter Text

Kevin was starting to understand why Jay disliked hospitals so much. More than once throughout the night he was woken by a nurse attempting to sneak in and check Jay’s vitals. As far as he could tell, Jay however, didn’t wake up after the 3am incident. Silver lining in everything.

It was now sometime after seven, and Kevin gave up on trying to fall asleep again. He snuck out of the room and left a sleeping Jay behind. He didn’t have to wander far to find a nurse who offered to bring them both some breakfast in a moment. Kevin's stomach growled loudly and he didn’t turn down the offer. “Hey, I was wondering if it was possible to get Jay here either crutches or a wheelchair or something. I’m not sure if he’d ask himself, but I just know he would really benefit from some independence” Kevin asked the nurse. He looked a bit surprised. Apparently there was supposed to be both a wheelchair and two sets of different crutches in his room. The nurse promised to supply them as soon as possible, and took off after Kevin confirmed he had no more questions. He slid back into Jay’s room and noticed the other man was now awake. Jay had shuffled to sit on the edge of the bed, and he was clearly waiting for Kevin to return. Kevin noticed the disconnect wires and put two and two together. “Bathroom?” Kevin asked as he marched to Jay’s bed, who nodded in response and held out a hand for Kevin. 

Twenty minutes later Jay sat in an armchair, a tray of food in front of him. Kevin had a similar tray in front of him, and was sitting to the left of Jay. They ate in comfortable silence, Jay enjoying the freedom of being disconnected from the monitors. He even had one less IV, he no longer needed the fluids. He could work with one for now. Kevin hadn’t mentioned the team once since he had showed up the day before, and Jay found it odd. Eerie, almost. He wanted to ask how everyone was doing, but he didn’t feel like he deserved to know. He had left them after all.

Left everyone behind, ignored their phone calls, emails, even handwritten letters that had somehow made their way to Jay’s camp in Bolivia. Who was he to demand information about them? The fact that no one else had showed up with Kevin or after that only helped Jay convince himself that he was unworthy. But what about Kevin then? Why was he special? Jay quickly put a stop to that train of thought. It was obvious to him that Voight had sent him. Why else would Kevin spend his free time here, in a hospital of all places. Jay glanced at Kevin, who seemed oddly content with his sandwich wrapped in cling wrap. “So I was thinking,” Kevin started. “Dangerous business right there” Jay shot back with a small grin. Kevin playfully gave him the finger before continuing. “Anyways, I was thinking that if your doctors are cool with it, I could ask the team to come by this afternoon. I doubt they’ll let you leave here today, or else I would have asked you to come to the precinct instead. You know Platt would love to see you. She has missed you, Chuckles.” Kevin finished with a teasing smile.

Desk sergeant Platt. That was a name Jay hadn’t thought of in a while. To his own surprise, he realized that he had also missed the older cop. The idea of returning to the precinct sent chills down his spine. But having the whole team here, in his private room? Absolutely not. Jay shuddered visibly. “I mean, doesn’t hurt to ask, right?” Jay suggested carefully. He wasn’t sure what he was hoping to gain by going back to the precinct, but anything was better than staying in a hospital. Kevin shook his head with a smile. Of course, he should have seen that coming. He walked right into it by suggesting it. Kevin shoved the tray further and stood up, half eaten sandwich in hand. He walked over to Jay’s bed and pressed the red call button. “I guess there’s only one way to find out,” he shrugged and sat back down. 

Some time later, a doctor and two nurses joined them in the room. One of the nurses was pushing a wheelchair, the other had two sets of crutches with him. Jay recognized all of them from his last stint here. Doctor Powell and nurses Hayes and Matthews. Matthews was technically a physical therapist, and he would be the first to point that out if he knew Jay thought of him as a nurse.

“Morning Jay,” doctor Powell greeted while he walked to Jay’s chart. He skimmed through the latest entries, and placed it back in its place. “What can I do for you Jay? And you can forget about being discharged today, so don’t bring it up, alright?” Powell said with a firm yet friendly tone. Kevin thought that was it, there was no way Jay would be able to visit the precinct. “Morning, doc. And I actually wasn’t going to bring it up, but since you did... When can I get out of here?” Jay asked his doctor. Kevin figured the two seemed rather close. Maybe this was the same doctor that had originally performed the amputation. “Well, that isn’t fully up to me but since you want a ballpark, let’s say two more nights. How’s that sound?” the doctor offered. Jay seemed more than displeased but didn’t argue back. “Well, the reason why I requested you here is because I umm. I need to make a quick visit somewhere” Jay started and looked at Kevin for support.

“Jay’s been a part of my team for years, hell, more like a decade. It would mean a lot to everyone if he could come and visit the 21st for just a little while,” Kevin explained to the doctor. Powell seemed unphased by such a request. “I assume the building doesn’t have an elevator? Jay, can you manage on crutches for that long?” Powell challenged. Jay fought back a gulp, and genuinely considered his answer. “I think… I think I can make it to where I can if I use crutches on the stairs and a wheelchair on the first floor. I’m sure my buddy Kevin here would love to help me out,” Jay settled on answering, and threw Kevin a pleading look.

“Actually, there is an elevator. From the first floor to the top. It was added a couple of months ago,” Kevin informed everyone. Jay’s face fell. Great. It’s not like I’m not crippled enough as it is. Now I have to face the team in a damn wheelchair. Jay’s sour mood didn’t go unnoticed by Kevin. “Hey, listen. That way you’ll see Platt first. Although she’ll probably go full on Mother Bear on you,” Kevin tried to lighten the mood. Jay considered the words. Mmm, she will probably be hot on my tail wherever I go in the precinct. I bet she would keep everyone, including Voight, in line. After a few more moments of considering his options, Jay spoke again. “Fine. Wheelchair and through the main entrance. But I want to bring the crutches with me, just in case something comes up,” he laid out his terms. Doctor Powell seemed pleased enough. “One more thing, Jay. We can either take out your IV for the day, and place it back once you return, or you can keep it on. But make no mistake, if we remove it now, we will place it back later” Powell’s eyes met Jay’s in a challenging way. Jay glanced at the IV in the crook of his arm. Using the crutches might bring him some discomfort if he didn’t have it removed. Jay hated feeling the IV inside his vein whenever he twisted his arm the wrong way. But. He hated getting a new IV even more. “It stays. When can I leave then?” Jay concluded. 

——

Voight sat at his desk, nursing a lukewarm coffee. He barely had an appetite this morning. The analog clock on his wall showed 8:47. No one from his team had come in yet. He was surprised to say the least. Who knew the wild bunch was actually capable of following orders. Hank was pulled from his thoughts by a ringing phone. He answered it without looking at the caller ID. “Voight,” he answered. “Morning sarge” came Atwater’s voice from the other end of the line. “What’s the latest on Halstead?” Voight asked. Straight to the point as always with the sergeant. “Listen, I cleared it with his doctor, and we were thinking of stopping by the precinct. Let everyone hear the story from him, not some second hand knowledge from me. Can you keep everyone in line if I bring him there? He doesn’t need any of their bull right now,” Atwater spoke in an authoritative tone. Voight leaned back in his chair. Amusement tingled across his lips. “Is that so… I’ll do my best,” he eventually promised. “When will you be here?” There were multiple muffled voices on the other end of the line. “We can be there at ten. And Sarge, I mean it. No funny business, alright?” Atwater requested one more time. Voight the time and shortly after that, he ended the call. Well how about that?

——

Jay sat anxiously on his bed, wondering if he had made a huge mistake agreeing to visit the 21st. His heart sang simply from the thought of meeting his team after all these months. He had always gotten along well with everyone on the team, and their absence from his life made a bigger impact than he originally expected. Seeing them again would surely lift his spirits. But in his mind… the dreaded seeing them. How could they welcome him back, especially now? Or worse, what if they didn’t want to see him at all?

Jay’s hands were shaking, and he balled his fists tightly. Kevin was somewhere, probably getting his car closer to the entrance. He had taken Jay’s preferred set of crutches with him as Jay wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital unless he was in the wheelchair. Maybe he should just stay here instead. Kevin knew enough to explain the situation to the team. And Trudy - Jay can call her Trudy, right? He’s no longer a cop so there’s no obligation to call her anything else. Trudy would understand if he didn’t come.

Jay’s panicked state was interrupted by an opening door. Matthews, Jay’s physical therapist, entered. “Alright Jay, let’s get this show on the road, shall we!” he said in that stupid cheerful voice of his that made Jay want to launch at him and smack him straight. But alas, Jay could only dream of that for now. Matthews disconnected his IV and wrapped the cannula with a thin wrap. He then grabbed the wheelchair and moved it closer to the bed. Jay sighed and put on his brave face. He grabbed Matthews’ extended arm and let him haul him up and into the chair. Jay sat back with a thump. Jay grabbed the hoodie from one of the chairs and put it on, closing the zipper halfway. At least the IV was hidden from view. Matthews started wheeling Jay out of the room and towards the elevators.

“Remember what I told you last time. Stay in the chair unless you can’t avoid it. Don’t overdo it with the crutches. Your body is still healing, and you’ll never get your life back if you keep pushing yourself too far.” Jay barely listened. He had heard this speech half a dozen times in the past few months. He only nodded a couple of times to give Matthews the impression he was listening. They exited the elevator, entering the first floor. Jay fought the urge to pick at his nails, or fiddle with the hem of his shirt, something. Anything to distract him from the anxiety bubbling around in his veins.

The cool Chicago air hit his face as they exited the building. Kevin was waiting, and Matthews let go of the chair. “Go on, be free. I will find you if you’re not back here by five. I’ll carry you back myself if I have to. You know I can” the therapist let out a small laugh. Jay smiled at the memory. Being carried by Matthews surely was a sight to see. “Yes, father,” Jay couldn’t help but respond. The then started wheeling himself towards Kevin and his car, Matthews following him. Kevin had the trunk opened, as well as the passenger seat. Jay positioned the chair as close to the car as he could. He then locked the wheels, and Matthews gave him an approving nod. Matthews slipped his arms around Jay, and pulled him up with ease. He then lowered him into the car. Kevin hurriedly folded the chair and put it in the trunk. “Watch him, okay? He’s your responsibility until you return him through those doors,” Matthews said with a smile before waving Jay goodbye and walking back into the hospital. Kevin sat behind the wheel and turned on the ignition. “You ready, brother?” he asked and gave Jay’s left thigh a quick squeeze. Jay gave him a little nod. No backing out now.

Chapter Text

Voight stood in front of his team. He had just finished telling everyone about Kevin and Jay’s visit. They should be here in about ten minutes. The team had taken the news with mixed feelings. The first reaction was joy. Reunion with Jay seemed simple for a split second. Then everyone seemed to remember why a reunion was needed in the first place. The following reactions had been a mix of anger, frustration, disinterest and confusion. Voight quickly shut everyone down and told them to sit on their asses and wait. He pulled up a vacant chair and took a seat observing the team. Upton had stayed silent the entire time. Her face was expressionless, unreadable. Voight worried for her the most. Well, after Halstead of course. He couldn’t help but glance at the clock again. Eight minutes and fifty-four seconds. 

In the parking lot, Kevin just finished assembling Jay’s chair. Folding it had been quick and easy, but getting it ready again required assistance from Jay. Kevin shut the trunk and grabbed the crutches from the backseat. He left them leaning against the car and went back to Jay. “Just say the word,” Kevin said but kept his distance. He watched as Jay scooted to the edge of the car seat and stepped out with his right leg. He then grabbed a hold of the door and pulled himself upward. Twisting his body slightly, he was able to sit down in one smooth movement. He adjusted his legs, grabbed the rims on the wheels and moved backwards, away from the car. Kevin closed the door for him, and locked the doors. He tucked the crutches in his armpit, and started walking next to Jay towards the building. He almost walked behind him but he caught himself on time. Jay didn’t need babysitting right now. He wanted to present himself to the world all by himself. Kevin did have to help Jay up the ramp and into the building, but other than that, Jay held his own. 

The precinct was somewhat quiet as it usually was at this hour. Sergeant Platt had her face buried in open files in front of her, so she failed to notice the two men approaching her. “Morning sarge” Kevin greeted. He stopped in front of the desk and waited for Platt’s reaction. When she made no effort to pull away from the files, Kevin sent a look towards Jay. “What does a poor citizen have to do to get some help around here, huh?” Jay spoke with a spark in his eyes. Kevin hadn’t seen the spark in Jay’s eyes in a long time. Even before he left for Bolivia he seemed troubled by something. But seeing Trudy Platt after all this time was enough to lift Jay’s spirits to a whole new level. Platt whipped her head up instantly and was shocked by what she saw. One of her all time favorite detectives. In a wheelchair. Missing a leg?! What the hell was going on? “Detective Chuckles!” was all she could say. Jay gave her a bright smile. “Actually, it’s just Chuckles. Man it’s good to see you, Trudy” Jay replied. Platt walked around the desk and bent down slightly to wrap Jay in a tight hug. Kevin looked around and noticed a couple of officers staring. He sent them a mean glare, and they quickly moved on. “Sarge, we better get going. The others are waiting upstairs.” Kevin said after a while. He didn’t want to keep Voight waiting. Reluctantly, Platt released Jay from her embrace. She looked back at one of the other desk officers. “You! Keep things in order until I get back” she ordered sharply, and the young officer nodded with a fearful expression. Jay bit his lip to hold back a laugh. He was so relieved by Trudy’s warm welcome, and even more relieved to hear that she would be joining them, just as Kevin had suspected. “Come on, let’s not keep everyone waiting,” Kevin said as he moved toward the new elevator. Jay wheeled after him, and studied the elevator as they waited for it to get to their floor. How things can change so much in only a few months. Jay took a steadying breath and entered the elevator behind Kevin, followed by Trudy. This was it. 

The team was getting restless. It was only two minutes past ten, but it felt like a small eternity. The atmosphere was tense to say the least. Torres was about to say something when the ding of an elevator caught everyone’s attention. Five heads turned to face the elevator. Atwater stepped out first with… crutches? And what was Platt doing here? And then,  finally, there he was. Jay Halstead. In the flesh. Torres took in a sharp breath. He hadn’t seen Halstead on site yesterday, so seeing him sitting on a wheelchair, obviously missing a leg was a shock. Torres looked around and saw similar reactions from everyone else. Expect Voight and Upton. Both stayed completely still and neutral. Atwater  walked past Ruzek, giving him a quick fist bump before taking a seat at his desk. He left Jay’s crutches leaning against his desk, away from the main pathway to not block Jay’s way. Platt stood next to Halstead with a straight back, shoulders square. There she was, Momma Trudy. No one made a move for several minutes, until Burgess finally stood and walked towards Halstead. She stopped a few feet away from him. “Hi Jay. It’s so good to see you. Is it okay if I hug you?” she asked. She had a hard time fighting back some tears, and she couldn’t stop a few rogue ones from escaping. Halstead gave her a nod, and Burgess was quick to wrap her arms around his upper body. Halstead awkwardly patted her arm as hugging was slightly awkward with one of them sitting down. Platt scanned the room and was disappointed to see that no one else had made a move to greet Halstead. She sent a sharp glare to Voight before turning her attention back to Chuckles. Burgess was still hugging him. “Alright how about we don’t squeeze the life out of him in the first five minutes” she said in her no-nonsense voice. Burgess let out a wet chuckle and finally ended the hug. Halstead had tears in his eyes as well. He couldn’t believe it. At least one of them hadn’t outright rejected him, at least not yet. He accepted the momentary win and cleared his throat.

“Umm. Hi everyone. Been a while, huh?” God, that was lame. He could see Torres and Atwater smiling so maybe it was okay. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Upton, not yet. Voight stood up from his chair and started walking to Halstead. Platt adjusted herself ever so slightly, and Halstead drew strength from her mere presence. Voight stopped in front of Halstead, and after an awkward pause, he offered his hand in greeting. Halstead took it almost instantly. “Welcome home, Halstead,” Voight said in such a soft tone that seemed to defy at least half a dozen laws of physics. Halstead gave him a soft smile in return, and let his hand fall free from the shake. 

Over the next fifty minutes, Halstead sat in his chair with Sergeant Platt standing guard, and he told them almost everything he had told Atwater the previous night. How leaving Chicago was the only right move for him. How much he enjoyed Bolivia. How he found a new sort of meaning for his life. How Chicago had sucked him dry, and Bolivia was like a puff of fresh life for him. Extending his contract, vaguely describing his abduction and time in captivity, downplaying most of it. He left out the part where he flew back to Chicago against the doctor's wishes, and how he had developed a pulmonary embolism. He downplayed his financial situation, and left out the part where he had been homeless for a while when he was kicked out by his friend’s fiancée. He briefly mentioned his struggles trying to adjust to his new life. He made up a lie and said that he had lost his medication and that’s why he wasn’t taking them. And that’s why he had been in a bad way when the team found him in that apartment. Atwater sat back, listening to the story and noticing every inconsistency, every lie. Yet he said nothing as the details left out weren’t crucial to understanding the general situation. Halstead quietly admitted to wanting to be left alone because he thought he had let everyone down. This was news to even Atwater, and his face fell. Platt never once wavered from her position. She glared at everyone else, not letting anyone interrupt him until he was finished. And eventually Halstead’s story quieted down. “Umm. I guess that’s the main details,” he finished and turned to Platt. He gave her a thankful smile and grabbed her hand. Platt gave him a gentle squeeze.

The team was unsure of how to proceed. Were they allowed to ask questions or what? Halstead saved them the trouble by calling Atwater over. He was quick to his feet and marched over  Halstead in quick motion. He bent down slightly to hear what a Halstead was about to whisper to him. He nodded in understanding, and moved behind Halstead’s chair to grab the handles. “We’re going to take a short break, and after that Jay thinks it’s best if he talks to everyone individually. Sarge, can we use your office for that?” Atwater repeated Halstead’s request to the rest of the team. Burgess and Torres nodded in agreement, and Voight agreed to using his office. With that being settled, Atwater pushed Halstead past the break room and through the narrow hallway. He stopped in front of the restroom and held the door open for his friend who wheeled himself in. He barely fit through the doorway. Atwater got a new glimpse into the importance of accessibility. He followed Halstead into the room and let the door close behind him. 

The bullpen was quiet. Everyone had stared at the two men leaving for the restroom, and now that they were gone, no one was quite sure how to proceed. Platt spoke up. “Just in case he doesn’t have a preference on who he wants to see first, we should decide now. I’ll go first.” Platt said with a steady voice. One by one, the others volunteered to go. They settled on Platt, Burgess, Torres, Ruzek, Voight and Upton. Platt secretly hoped that they would get to choose the order since she really wanted to speak to him first. 

“How are you holding up?” Kevin asked once the door was completely shut behind him. Neither of them actually needed to use the toilet at the moment but Jay needed the break. He leaned forward in his chair and propped up his arms on his knees and let his head rest against them. “You know. It’s a lot, seeing them all after so long. I umm, I had a therapist a few months back. She tried to help me work through some things but we didn’t get very far.” Jay spoke tiredly. Kevin leaned against the sink and waited for him to continue. “We briefly talked about how I’d benefit from meeting you all, and Will. I didn’t believe her then, of course not. She said that if you guys were willing to hear my side of the story that I would eventually find peace and stop blaming myself so much.” It was clear that Jay had little faith in the therapist’s words. He still blamed himself. For what, Kevin wasn’t entirely sure. They stayed silent for a while. “I guess we better head back or I won’t make it back to the hospital in time. You do not want to piss off Matthews” Halstead gave a small chuckle and grabbed the hand rims on his chair, waiting for Kevin to open the door for him. He wheeled himself out of the restroom and back into the bullpen where everyone was waiting for him. 

Jay stopped in front of Voight’s office and turned in his chair. He was unsure of who to pick, but Trudy came to his rescue once again. “I’d like to be the first if you don’t mind. We made a list” she declared. Jay loved her for that. She always spoke her mind and didn’t beat around the bush. ‘Straight to the point’ was probably her middle name. Jay nodded and turned to Kevin. “Could you stay?” he asked quietly. Kevin nodded and smiled at him. He then wheeled himself into Voight’s office, followed by Kevin and Trudy. As Voight was the closest, he pulled the door shut behind them and turned to look at everyone left in the bullpen. “Someone make a coffee run. This might take a while, and we shouldn’t eavesdrop,” he ordered and strode off into the break room. 

Chapter Text

Kevin sat on the couch in Voight’s office. He had twisted the blinds shut, blocking the view to the bullpen. He wasn’t sure how much he was supposed to be listening, so he took out his phone and sent a questioning look to Jay. He nodded in response, and turned her attention fully to Trudy. 

“Umm. I guess you can start with some questions if you want,” Jay said to Trudy. He hadn’t planned this far ahead, and wasn’t sure what the best approach here was. Trudy walked around Voight’s desk and sat in his chair. Jay raised one of his brows in amusement. “I've always wanted to do that,” Trudy said with a smile. She seemed to consider her words for a while. “I guess my biggest question is, how can you be so stupid?” Jay was taken aback by that. There was no heat behind her words, but it still caught him off guard. “Could you maybe elaborate a little?” he replied with an awkward laugh. But Trudy wasn’t smiling. “I get that you didn’t feel at home in Chicago anymore. I get that it was your life that was turned upside down and shaken seven ways to hell when you lost your leg. But how could you ever leave us in the dark like that?” Jay lowered his head at her words. For a long time he hadn’t considered what everyone else was going through, and he told as much to Trudy. He considered how to proceed. “After I was rescued, I was in a bad way. Only a few days prior, I had begged my boss to extend my contract. And then it all happened. I knew Upton had contacted him and knew I had extended my tour, right. So I just felt like I couldn’t just march back into her and everyone else’s lives like that. Especially since I wasn’t the one who everyone expected to return.” Jay noticed his voice shaking just a little, but if Trudy noticed it as well, she didn’t point it out. Her expression turned more gentle. “Oh, Chuckles,” she said with a sad smile. Jay was yet again fighting the tears that seemed to surface at the slightest hint of emotion. He was too tired to care though, and willingly let a couple tears slip free. They slowly made wet tracks down his cheeks, down the bridge of his nose. Trudy fished an unopened pack of tissues from her pocket and offered it to Jay. He took it with a grateful smile. He had a feeling that these weren’t the last tears of the day. 

“How about I tell you something for a change, and then you can tell me something in return?” Trudy offered when she noticed how much Jay was struggling to find the words to continue. Jay had no idea what he had done to deserve Trudy’s worry and affection, but he accepted them nonetheless. “This might be hard to believe, but I fostered a goat while you were gone,” Trudy revealed. Kevin couldn’t help but raise his brows at that. He was certainly glad that Jay had asked for his support. “This was maybe ten months or so ago. Mouch responded to a call, some unimportant events took place, and he came home with a small goat in his arms. I took one look at that mangy creature and said to him: "Absolutely not!” Trudy explained. Jay was smiling and eager to hear more. “But before I could do anything about it, Mouch barged past me into the house and placed the goat in our spare bedroom. Oh when I tell you I was pissed..,” Trudy’s voice trailed off. She had a smile on her lips too. “I don’t know what came over me. I let it stay the night. And the next. I think it was almost two weeks until one day Mouch comes home from work and tells me he had responded to a call, where yet another set of unimportant events took place, but he had found a sanctuary slash retirement home for the goat. We throw a small feast in honor of the goat finding a new home, and the next day we drove three hours with a goat in our car!” Trudy exclaimed and Jay couldn’t help but laugh. “It was all worth it though. The sanctuary was perfect for the goat. Our little Chuckles,” Trudy finished, and pulled out a photograph from her jacket pocket. She held it in front of Jay, who took it with shaking hands. He folded it open. In the picture there was Trudy and Mouch, sitting on a grassy looking pasture with a bunch of different farm animals in the background. Between the two was a white goat with crooked horns. One of them seemed to be missing about a third of it. He let out a quiet gasp. The goat had a red ribbon wrapped around its neck, and Jay could make out ‘Chuckl’ in golden embroidered letters on it. “Back at the front desk, I couldn’t believe my eyes you know. I don’t know why I was insistent on naming the stupid goat after you. But the horns and then your leg…” Trudy couldn’t finish her sentence. Jay understood. He took one last look at the photograph before folding it again and handing it back to Trudy. 

Jay’s heart was happy in his chest. He wished the rest of the team would be as easy to talk to. He considered what he should share after that, and decided on some truth. “I nearly died twice, you know.” he said in a quiet voice. Trudy’s eyes were on him, taken aback by his revelation. “My guys found me just in time. Apparently I coded once during transport, and once during the first surgery. They got me back each time though. Some days I wonder if it had been better if they hadn’t,” Jay’s voice was even quieter. Trudy glanced at Kevin who had a sad expression on his face. He shook his head, this was new information to him as well. Trudy reached over Voight’s desk, and grabbed Jay’s hand. “I want you to listen to me very carefully. Don’t ever think like that again, you hear me? And if despite my orders you feel yourself slipping away, you come to me. No questions asked. Don’t look at the time, just come find me. I don’t care if it’s during my shift or in the middle of the night when I’m at home. You come to me. Here, let me just…” Trudy grabbed a pen from Voight’s desk, then she fished a card from her pocket, turned it over and scribbled something on the backside. She then handed it to Jay. “That’s my private cell number. Call me. The other side has Mouch’s number on it. If for some reason you can’t reach me, you call him, you hear me?” Trudy ordered with absolution. Jay felt like a schoolboy being scolded. He simply nodded and pocketed Trudy’s card. He made a mental note to himself, promising to save both numbers in his contacts. Right, his phone. He waited a while before he spoke up. “Umm, I kind of lost my phone?” he admitted. “Isn’t it at the apartment?” Kevin asked behind him. Oops. “I umm, might have sold it because I needed clean compression wraps and socks for my feet… foot.” Jay felt so ashamed. He wasn’t used to struggling financially, and admitting such things humiliated him. The new information seemed to bring a new set of questions to Trudy. “Hold on a moment, Chuckles. Where are you staying right now? And don’t tell me it’s that apartment complex.” Jay rubbed his neck unsure how to answer. “They’re probably going to discharge me from the hospital in two days or-“ Jay was interrupted by Trudy’s raised voice. “What do you mean ‘discharged’? Did you go AWOL and break out of the hospital?” Trudy had stood up. Kevin let out a small laugh. You really can't put it past Jay to leave before getting the all clear from doctors. Especially since Kevin knew about the flight to America and the blood clots. Jay raised his hands defensively. “No! No, I didn't go AWOL. I simply explained to my doctor that I had somewhere to be and he gave me until 5pm to return.” Jay explained calmly. Trudy stared at him with uncertainty, but since Kevin didn’t speak to deny Jay’s story, she decided to trust him and sat back down. “Can I continue?” Halstead asked and she nodded. “So. Like I said, I’m still at the hospital until at least Saturday. Although considering their track record of discharging patients over the weekend, I’m thinking I'll be there until Monday morning or noon. And after that, honestly? I don’t know” he admitted. Trudy looked at the young ex detective with a calculating smile. “Don’t you worry, Chuckles. We’ll find you a suitable sanctuary.” 

Chapter Text

Jay was now facing the couch where Kim sat next to Kevin. Her kind eyes studied him. “Would you like to join us? It isn’t the best couch in the world but maybe it’s better than your chair,” she asked with a kind smile. Kevin smiled beside her, and sent Jay a pointed look  as if to say ‘told you so’. After Trudy had left, Jay had felt his anxiety picking up again, and Kevin had to help him calm down before he was able to face anyone else. Jay was getting tired of having to rely on him so much, but didn’t have much of a choice if he wanted to survive the day with any sort of dignity. But Okay, maybe Jay had worried over nothing. He contemplated Kim’s suggestion. His butt was going a little numb. The wheelchair wasn’t custom made for him, and some of the proportions were slightly off, so it wasn’t as comfortable as it was supposed to be. “Umm, yeah. Sure. I’d like that,” Jay finally responded. Kevin stood up and waited for his friend. Jay rolled himself closer to the couch before locking the wheels. He gave them a test tug, making sure the breaks were fully on. When the chair stayed put, he moved his right leg to the floor. He pushed himself up using the chair’s arm rests and very carefully hopped the few steps to the couch. He kept a neutral face despite the hops jostling his stump uncomfortably. Damn nerve pains, they always left him feeling off for a couple of days. There he accepted Kevin’s extended arm and carefully lowered himself into the middle seat. Kevin sat down next to him, and pulled out his phone. The couch was wide enough for all of them, and none of their thighs were touching the other’s. Jay almost reached down to run a comforting hand over his stump but stopped himself halfway. Kim, of course, noticed it. “Do you need a pillow and a chair for your leg?” she asked. Jay avoided looking at her, but remembering Matthews’ words in the hospital, he slowly nodded yes. Kevin stood up and exited the office. Jay kept his eyes firmly on his lap. He didn’t dare to spare a look at Kim. He hadn’t heard pity in her voice but that didn’t mean anything. Kevin returned with two pillows and a stool. He placed the stool in front of Jay. “Can you adjust the distance so that it’s good?” he asked and held out one of the pillows. Jay placed it on top of the stool, and reached down to roll the left pant leg up until it was just below his knee. Adjusted it a few times, tugging it inwards so that it wouldn’t roll back down even if he stood up. After he was satisfied with it, the placed his stump on the stool in front of him. He nudged the stool with his right foot… his only foot. He needed to stop making the distinction between his feet. No point in specifying anymore. Might as well embrace it fully. He nudged the stool and pushed it back an inch or so and tested it again. Much better. Kevin held out the second pillow, not as fluffy as the first one, and Jay accepted it as well; he placed it under his thigh, and that earned a curious look from both Kim and Kevin. “Oh. I have umm, weakened muscles in my left thigh and sometimes sitting down with my stump extended like this can leave me with no proper support for my thigh. I get the, you know, pins and needles feeling kind of easily.” Jay explained as he adjusted the thinner pillow once more. Kevin sat down with an understanding nod. He grabbed his phone again and busied himself with something. 

Jay turned his attention to Kim, who was being so patient with him. She would be a brilliant mom one day - oh wait. Jay shook his head. She already was. Makayla. Such a nice kid. Jay wondered how she was. A warm smile spread over Kim’s lips when Jay asked about her. She spent the next few minutes telling Jay everything he had missed. School talent shows, trips to the zoo and aquarium, and she even showed him some pieces of sea glass she had in her pockets. She stuffed her hand in her pocket and felt around for something. She eventually pulled out a large piece of sea glass. It was a beautiful sage green shard. She held it in her hands a moment before she offered it to Jay. “This was her favorite from last summer. I think you should have it,” she said with a smile. Jay hesitated. If it was her daughter’s favorite then how could he of all people take it? Kim didn’t let him decline as she gently placed the glass in his open hand. “If you saw her room you’d be more willing to take it. She has more than enough, trust me.” Well, that was it then. Jay twisted the glass between his fingers, enjoying having something to fiddle with. Before Bolivia Jay had barely ever felt the need to fiddle with something. Another thing in the ever growing list of things that had changed since Bolivia. 

Kevin looked up from his phone. Jay’s eyes were still on the piece of sea glass. He could see that Kim was making an extra effort to try not to spook Jay. Kevin smiled at him and nodded his head towards Jay in encouragement. Kim seemed to understand, and she nodded back. “So…” she started carefully. Jay let the glass fall into his lap and turned his attention back to Kim. “I don’t really know what to say here.” she admitted. Jay welcomed the honesty. “Oh don’t worry about it. I have no clue either. If there’s something that’s still on your mind after I shared the main details, you can ask me. I don’t think I’ll break” Jay gave her a playful smile. He leaned back on the couch and made himself more comfortable. Not an easy task all things considered, but he felt okay enough. Kim waited for Jay to settle before asking anything. “I had a neighbor once who lost a leg to cancer. He had a metallic leg, a prosthetic.” Kim shared. Oh, great. Jay just looved to hear about ‘that random amputee’ that people knew in passing. He held his tongue and waited to see if Kim would continue. She didn’t. “I can technically get one, eventually. I mean, not all stumps are suitable for a prosthesis. I guess there’s a silver lining in my case, I have about an inch and a half of extra leg. As far as I know, you need to have a stump that’s about two inches past your knee to be eligible for a prosthetic. Otherwise you either deal with it or they have to amputate above the knee,” Jay explained slowly to let Kim digest the information. Anything medical related was oftentimes hard for people to just understand. Kim didn’t seem to have any questions so far, so Jay continued. “I haven’t been put on the schedule yet, to get fitted for one. Not sure I would be in the right… I don’t think it would have been the right time anyway. It’s just been a lot,” Jay admitted. Kim’s face was full of understanding. Jay didn’t find even a hint of pity or disappointment. “Do you think you’d benefit from one? Eventually, when you’re ready,” Kim’s tone was so calming and gentle. Adam was a lucky man to have her. Jay didn’t know how to answer the question. Prosthetics were extremely expensive, sometimes even with insurance, and currently Jay didn’t really qualify for any of the charities that offer help with payments. He didn’t plan on telling her that though. “I don’t know. Maybe, I think. It’s still a long way off for now’ he ended up answering. Jay could feel Kevin staring at him but resisted the urge to look at him. Instead he kept his gaze on Kim. 

“Do you think you’ll stay in Chicago now that we all know you’re here? I hope you will. I have a certain someone who would love to see Uncle Jay again” Kim was like an animal trainer with a carrot tied to a rope, and Jay was the rabbit. The mention of Makayla brought a smile to his lips. He hadn’t really considered things that far ahead. “No matter what, I think I can squeeze in a visit with my favorite niece.” Jay answered with a smile. Kim didn’t miss the lack of a proper answer to her question, but didn’t see any reason to push it today. It always warmed her heart when Jay called her daughter his niece. She had worried that Jay wouldn’t call her that anymore but had just been proven wrong. Kevin chuckled at that. “You do realize she’s your only niece, right?” Jay turned his upper body to the left, towards Kevin. He then lightly shoved Kevin’s arm. Kim just watched the interaction with a wide smile. There was obviously a lot to talk and figure out with Jay, but for now she just enjoyed having his friend back. She glanced at the clock and noticed that she had been in here about as long as Trudy had. She didn’t want to leave Jay just yet, she needed to find one last topic.

 A-ha, Jay’s hair. “I like the new style. Is this some kind of beach inspired look?” her intentions were good, innocent. But Jay made a face at her comment. Jay was used to being tidy and well groomed, blame his time in the military if you like. The past few months had been rough in many aspects, and unfortunately his facial hair and hairstyle hadn’t been spared. Jay could almost feel himself sinking deeper into the couch. He would like to vanish right now, thank you very much. Kim and Kevin shared a quick look, both at loss by Jay’s reaction. Then Kevin understood. “Hey, brother. How about I make a quick run to the corner store, and get you a razor? You can tidy up a little bit, huh? How’s that sound?” Kevin asked carefully. Jay only shrugged in response, kept avoiding their eyes. Kim wanted to punch herself. Out of all the topics she could have chosen… She had to make this right. “Hey, Jay, listen. One of our officers, I don’t know if you remember Jones, but his parents own a barber shop and Jones brought a pair of clippers to the precinct to use for undercover assignments. Jones spent his childhood and teens cutting people’s hair. If you’re okay with meeting him, I’m sure he would love to cut your hair,” Kim’s voice was sincere. Jay finally looked up, first Kevin, then Kim. He let his hand wander up and brush some of his loose hairs out of his face. A haircut sounded appealing, Jay hated how his long hair hung over his eyes and blocked his view. He nodded with a sigh. “Okay, yeah. I think I need that,” he admitted quietly. “Great. How’s this sound, I’ll go and buy you that razor and bring you some lunch too. I saw you eating breakfast, you must be starving by now,” Kevin stood up and waited for Jay’s okay. Jay felt his heart pumping faster. No, Kev couldn’t leave him. What if he needed to go… somewhere. Jay picked up the shard of sea glass from his lap. He held it tightly in his closed fist. Its smooth edges were soothing. Speak up, Jay thought to himself. Kevin was waiting patiently, and Kim watched. She didn’t want to interrupt as it was clear to her that the two men had a sort of connection, and she wasn’t part of it. “Umm, can you, could someone else go?” he finally managed to get the words out. Kevin kept staring at him, waiting for more. “I, I just you know, I want you to stay.” Kevin smiled inwardly, yes! He had done this on purpose, pretended to leave because he wanted to see if Jay would get out of his own head and share how he was feeling. Maybe slightly cruel but Jay needed to know that he could speak his mind with Kevin without having to fear the worst. Kevin nodded with amusement. “How about we ask Voight to go, huh? I’m sure he won’t say no” Kevin teased and let out a loud laugh when Jay’s face turned red. Kim couldn’t help but laugh as well. “Okay that’s enough, don’t bully him too much. Adam can go,” Kim concluded with a smile. She almost wanted to go with her fiancé but decided against it. She needed to find Jones. Kevin rubbed his hands together and headed for the office door.

Chapter Text

Torres had watched Atwater and Burgess exiting Voight’s office. She had walked straight through the bullpen and disappeared into the stairs. Atwater had gone over to Ruzek and asked him something, Torres couldn’t hear from his desk. Ruzek  nodded with a frown, stood and also left the bullpen. Torres let his leg bounce impatiently. Was it his turn or not? “Hey Kev, can I go in?” he finally asked when Atwater didn’t say anything to him. Atwater held up a finger and strode to Voight’s office. A couple of seconds later, he waved his hand inviting Torres to join him. He stood up with determination, gave Upton a quick nod as he walked past her desk and entered Voight’s office, pulling the door shut behind him. 

Torres expected to see Halstead in his wheelchair, but found it empty. He looked to the left, and found the man sitting comfortably on the couch. While he and Halstead had gotten along in the past, he had a bone to pick with him for putting Upton through all the heartbreak and sleepless nights. He opted to sit on one of the chairs instead of next to Jay on the couch. Atwater took his place on Halstead’s left side. He took his phone out from his pocket, but left it unopened on his lap. Torres had waited for this moment for a long time, a chance to let Halstead know just how much he fucked up. But now, looking at the broken man in front of him, Torres hesitated. This isn’t how he imagined this going. He had even expected Halstead to return with some random chick in his arms, but this? Not even in his wildest dreams had he made up such a scenario. The silence was borderline awkward, yet Torres couldn’t open his mouth. “Don’t you both go speaking like crazy now,” Atwater tried. Both Torres and Halstead sent a disapproving look at him. “Okay then, fine, I’ll start,” Torres bit out. “Kind of bold of you to march in here, demand us not to judge you, pretend like you never left. Like we’re all a big happy family, just like that.” All the anger and frustration that Torres had started bubbling to the surface again. He glared at Halstead and continued “Do you have any idea what we all have been through? You think, what, just because your life is so shit and miserable that ours can’t possibly be shit too?” Halstead at least had the right idea to keep his focus on Torres. Atwater seemed tense but didn’t say anything. Torres stood up and almost smirked. Go ahead, Halstead. Try me, he thought. But Halstead stayed seated. Not like he had much choice. He looked defeated. There was no fight left in him, not that Torres could see any. A better man might have felt bad for him, but that wasn’t Torres. “You know how many countless nights Hailey spent at the precinct since you left? I had to drag her home a few times myself since she couldn’t leave on her own. Couldn’t go back to that apartment of yours.” Torres’ voice was dripping with hatred. Halstead closed his eyes for a brief moment. He knew that leaving Upton like that wouldn’t be easy, but he had fantasized that the team would be there for her. He should have known better. Upton often pushed everyone away and shut down when things got hard. And since Halstead wasn’t there to see how she was doing behind closed doors… He blinked rapidly to force the tears to stay away. The pack of tissues was in the side pocket of his wheelchair, and he didn’t want to ask either Kevin or Dante to hand them to him. This was all his fault. Jay knew it. If he would’ve sucked it up, stayed in Chicago then maybe things would be different. Better, somehow. But unless Jay managed to invent and build a time machine, there was no changing the past. He finally met Dante’s fierce eyes. “Look man. I know there’s nothing I can say to you, or Upton, to make things right. I don’t expect any of you to forget what happened. I don't expect you to forgive me either. All I can say is that I’m sorry, and that I wish I didn’t hurt you all so deeply,” he spoke softly. Jay didn’t expect Dante to be so angry with him. Maybe he and Upton had gotten closer over the past months, Jay didn’t know. It wasn’t his business anyway, not anymore. He had signed the divorce papers. He let her go. Dante scoffed at his words. “That’s such crap and you know it. You know what, Halstead? Fuck you. I don’t have to deal with this,” he stood abruptly, swung the door open and let it smash against the wall as he stormed off. 

Well, that went well, Jay thought as he watched Dante leave. His conversation slash confrontation with him hadn’t lasted even ten minutes. “How about we wait for Adam to bring the lunch before we speak to whoever’s next, huh?” Kevin suggested from Jay’s side. Jay nodded in agreement. He was tired. Maybe I should just leave. Go back to the hospital. If Torres was this mad at him, Jay wasn’t sure he wanted to know how the rest of them felt. Anxiety and stress flowed through his body. God, he was so tired. Jay decided to use the opportunity to use the restroom, and pushed himself to lean forward on the couch. The swung his stump off the stool, accidentally pushing the pillow to the floor. He didn’t have the energy to reach for it and pick it up. Kevin stood up from next to him. He took the opportunity to take a quick look into the bullpen. 

Torres was nowhere to be found. Burgess was back at her desk, quietly speaking with officer Jones who had a bag over his shoulder. The clippers, Kevin assumed. Voight wasn’t around either. Upton was still at her desk, head buried behind her computer screen. She might have been working on something, Kevin couldn’t tell. Adam wasn’t back from the store yet, so he turned his attention back to Jay. Jay had pushed the stool to his side, and was halfway to his wheelchair. Kevin fought the urge to extend his arm to offer support. Jay would ask if he needed it. Jay swayed a bit but was able to sit down on the wheelchair with no incident. He got comfortable and freed the brakes. He maneuvered the chair with ease, and Kevin rushed to move some of the chairs from his way. He stood on the side and watched Jay wheel past him. The man on the chair shot him a quick nod over his shoulder, and Kevin went to follow him. As they exited the office, they were met with a kind smile from Kim. “Hey Jay, if you’re up for it, Jones can cut your hair now,” she suggested. Jay wanted to say no but he didn’t want to keep the young officer waiting. He simply nodded and gave the officer a quick wave, gesturing to him to follow. Jones was quick to his feet and approached Jay and Kevin. He settled on walking behind Kevin as Jay led the trio to the restroom down the hall. They passed the break room where Voight was presumably drinking a coffee. As Jay reached the restroom door, Kevin slipped past him to push open the door. Kevin entered first and held the door as Jay and officer Jones followed. The door swung shut. 

“Hello, detective. I’m officer Nick Jones, but you can just call me Nicky” the young man extended his hand and waited. Jay gave him a sad smile as he grabbed the hand. “Halstead. Just Halstead nowadays,” he answered solemnly. Nicky gave him a small nod, and grabbed his bag. He placed it on the counter, and rummaged through it. “Okay, Halstead. So, what are we looking to get done today?” he inquired as he placed some of the equipment on the counter. Jay considered his options. “Umm, something short and neat. Low maintenance I think, but not a buzz cut though,” Jay offered. Nicky nodded with confidence. “I can work with that! You might want to remove your hoodie. I have a cape I can use to cover your clothes but it’ll make it easier for me if you remove it,” Nicky said as he pulled the cape from his bag. Jay nodded and opened the zipper. He sneaked his hands out of the sleeves and handed the hoodie to Kevin. Jay couldn’t help but stroke his wrapped IV. Nicky noticed it but made no comment. Good man. “One more thing. Atwater, if you don’t mind fetching a chair for us, please. I don’t think Halstead wants hair clippings on his wheelchair.” Nicky said, holding the cape. Kevin nodded and quickly left the room. Not thirty seconds later, he returned with a chair. He placed it next to Jay. He had left Jay’s hoodie somewhere. Jay proceeded to lock the wheels on his chair and stood up. Kevin hovered nearby as Jay transferred himself to the chair. Kevin moved Jay’s wheelchair back a bit, giving officer Jones more room to work. “That’s better. Alright, let’s get started,” Nicky said as he draped the cape around Jay. He secured it around Jay’s neck and went back to the counter. He picked up a comb and a pair of scissors. Walking back to Jay, the man got to work. 

Fifteen minutes later, the restroom floor was littered with Jay’s brown curls. Officer Jones was making final touches to Jay’s hair. He held the clippers in his hand with ease and made trained and swift moves against Jay’s scalp. Once he was completely pleased with his work, he placed the clippers on the counter. He stood next to Jay, clearing his way to the mirror in front of him. “How’s that work?” Nicky asked with a hint of a smile on his face. This was some of his best work ever. Halstead’s sides were cut short, he had blended it so that the hair got even shorter towards his neck and ears. The top of his head had slightly longer hair. It wouldn’t require much, if any styling, just like  Halstead had requested. Jay studied himself in the mirror, liking what he saw. “Wow, man. This is, that’s great. Thanks, man. I can’t thank you for this enough,” Jay said with genuine appreciation for the young officer. Jay didn’t remember if he had met him before. Maybe the guy was new, started after he left. Nicky smiled brightly, and grabbed a brush from his bag. He brushed away some hair from Halstead’s shoulders and removed the cape. He gave the brush a couple more strokes. “Don’t mention it, Halstead. It was my pleasure,” Nicky meant every word. He turned his attention to his equipment. Jay ran his hand through his hair. It prickled under his touch. Now, if only he could shave. He could almost fool himself into thinking that he was still the same old Jay. Almost. The mirror showed his reflection, his lower body out of the view. He looked at himself a while longer. With the shorter hair, he looked almost normal again. His features were slightly too prominent thanks to the weight lost over the past couple of months, and his beard was still too long for his liking, but other than that, he looked like Jay. But his reality was different from the one in the mirror. He let out a small sigh and looked at his wheelchair. Kevin, ever the eagle eyed, noticed immediately and pushed it closer for Jay. Kevin kept holding the handles while Jay transferred himself to it. Once he was fully seated, Kevin picked up the chair. Officer Jones had finished packing his gear and swung the bag over his shoulder. He held the door open for the other men, who promptly exited the room. Jones gave the restroom one final look and exited as well. 

Chapter Text

Jay wished he still had his hoodie. He felt naked with his arms visible. He didn’t want to make a huge deal out of it though, so he soldiered on. He let Kevin take the lead as they returned to the bullpen. Officer Jones, Nicky had gone the other way. Kim smiled brightly as soon as she saw Jay. He was looking more like himself again, Kim thought. That was her good deed of the week done. “Hey Jay, Adam left your lunch and groceries in the break room.” Kim spoke once Jay was about to wheel past the break room. Jay stopped on his tracks and sent Kim a thankful smile. The break room was quite small, the furniture there taking up most of the space. Jay searched for Kevin’s eyes. “Hey Kev, would you mind handing me the crutches?” Jay asked quietly. The bullpen was mostly silent, so everyone heard his request. Kevin moved to his desk, and Jay followed. Once again the man locked the brakes on his chair and stood up, grabbing the crutches that Kevin was holding out for him. Back at the hospital he had chosen the elbow crutches as he found them gentler on his arms. He gripped the crutches and tested his balance. Good enough. He gave Kevin a thankful look, and made his way to the break room. The door was now open, and Voight was standing near the table. Jay hadn’t expected to find him still there, but didn’t let his presence stop him from entering. 

Now that Jay was fully in the break room he could also see Adam sitting on the couch. Hmmh. Jay remembered that one time when he had fallen asleep on the couch, and was awoken by Ruzek’s hand on his shoulder. He almost decked him. That was the first and last time Ruzek had woken him up by shaking his shoulder. Jay doesn’t think he ever apologized to him for that. No point in bringing it up now, that seemed to be ages ago. Jay sat on one of the chairs and left his crutches leaning against the table. Jay reached toward the lunch box on the table. “You know, Halstead. I was just thinking. Lots of memories.” Ruzek spoke before Jay was able to even open the lunch. Halstead turned in his seat. “Oh yeah?” he said, unsure where the other man was going with this. “I don’t think I ever gave you enough credit, man.” Ruzek admitted. Jay couldn’t stop a confusing look from forming on his face. “I could blame you for it, since you rarely spoke of your time in the Rangers. But after you nearly knocked me on my ass that one time in this room… I think I finally started to understand,” Adam finished. He then stood up, patted Halstead on his back and exited the break room. Voight raised his brows at Ruzek’s revelation but said nothing. He only grunted. Well, that was weird. Jay turned back to his lunch, takeout from some Thai place. He didn’t recognize the label on the container. A new joint perhaps? Is everything different nowadays… Jay let out a sigh and started eating his lunch in silence, doing his best to ignore Voight’s occasional looks. 

Jay pushed the container away. He managed about half of the meal before he couldn’t force himself to eat more. He probably should have asked for a soup or something lighter. He hoped that the well-seasoned meal wouldn’t upset his stomach. Oh well. He wiped his mouth on one of the tissues and reached for the bag of groceries. Inside the bag he found both an electric razor and some reusable ones, and a bottle of shaving cream. He also noticed that Adam had bought his go-to shampoo and body wash. Jay was surprised, he had no idea the man knew what he used to wash himself. Lately, Jay couldn’t spare the few extra dollars to buy these exact products. Jay was grateful to Adam, or whoever had told him to select the products. He dragged the bag closer and clutched it against his chest. “You alright, kid?” Voight’s voice rumbled gently behind him. Jay was startled a little. “Um, yeah. I’m good. Thanks,” he was able to say without sounding too emotional. Voight walked around the table and sat down in front Jay. Voight sent a questioning look to Jay, nodding towards the grocery bag still held tightly against Jay’s chest. He felt his cheeks getting hot but kept holding the bag firmly. “Whatchu got there?” The sergeant had a small smile on his lips. Jay reluctantly loosened his hold on the bag and slowly presented it to his former boss. The older man took a quick look inside. He then opened his mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. Jay raised his brows and tilted his head. Hank Voight wasn’t known for holding his tongue. “You need a hand?” Voight eventually asked almost gently. What? Jay was so confused right now. Before he knew it, Voight had taken the bag from him and was waiting for him in the doorway. “Come on then,” he barked out a laugh and disappeared from Jay’s view. To the restroom, Jay assumed. He really wanted to shave, so he shook away some of the anxiety and stood up. He grabbed his crutches and made for the bullpen. 

Jay took a couple of steps into the bullpen and looked around. He could see the rest of his ex team still eating their lunches. Adam, Kim and Kevin sat together while Torres had joined Upton. Kevin gave him a quick wave. “You alright there, Jay?” he asked with a mouth full of food. Jay simply nodded, swaying slightly. “Voight’s in the restroom?” he asked, already turning and ready to leave. Kevin nodded his head yes. “Yeah, he had the grocery bag with him. What’s that about?” Kevin inquired. Jay only shrugged and left his team behind as he headed for the restroom. Halfway there he wondered if he should have moved back to his wheelchair but figured he was okay for now. He backed into the door of the restroom and pushed it open with his shoulder. He was thankful, probably for the first time ever, that the door swung both ways. He managed to get inside, door swinging shut behind him. 

Voight had been busy in the last couple of minutes. He had used the broom - Jay would have loved to see that, the old man never did any chores around the precinct - and had brushed away the hair clippings from the floor. They were now in a neat pile next to the trash can. Since there was no dustpan in the room Voight hadn’t been able to clean them up completely. Good enough for now. Jay stood awkwardly near the door, unsure what Voight had in mind. “Come on, take a seat,” Voight eventually gestured toward the counter. Hmh. The restroom was old, and the counter was lower than it would be in a newer building. Jay was able to sit against it with little discomfort. He left the crutches leaning against the counter on his left side, and Voight approached him on his right. Voight summoned the bag from somewhere, Jay hadn’t been paying attention, and turned it upside down. Its contents spilled to the counter, and Jay managed to grab one of the bottles just as it was about to fall off. A bottle of shaving cream. He placed it down, uncertain if he would need it. He didn’t really want to be completely clean shaved, but maybe that would be easier to maintain than a more detailed trim. Voight grabbed the brand new electric razor and ripped open the packaging. It had a small battery but since it was new, it wasn’t charged so Voight plugged it in. He tried turning it on, and was pleasantly surprised to confirm that you were still able to use the razor even if it was charging. He handed it to Jay, who took it. “Umm. Thanks,” Jay spoke slowly. He was unsure how to proceed. The mirror was behind him, so he couldn’t really use it to see where he was shaving. Voight seemed to pick up on that - of course he did, the man had been a cop for decades - and seemed slightly apologetic. He probably hadn’t considered that Jay couldn’t stand while he was shaving. Well, he could if he wanted to, but standing on one leg in front of his old boss, swaying from side to side wasn’t in Jay’s plans for the day. Before Jay was able to request a chair, Voight took one step closer. “May I?” Jay found it odd that Voight was able to speak in such a soft tone. What Jay found even more odd was himself nodding, and handing the razor back to Voight. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the team was wrapping up their lunches. “What do you think they’re doing in there?” Ruzek eventually asked, gesturing toward the restroom. The same question was probably on everyone’s mind as well. “I doubt Jay would need help with shaving, right?” Atwater looked at his teammate. He wouldn’t say anything in front of the entire team, but Ruzek might have been on the right track. Despite putting on a brave face, Atwater could tell that Jay was really struggling. With simple, everyday things. Why else would he have let his hair get so long? If he had to take a guess, he might even say that Jay was almost depressed, if he actually wasn’t. Atwater hadn’t missed how Jay had barely eaten anything, hadn’t brushed his teeth before bed or after breakfast in the morning. The old cuts on his arms seemed mostly healed, but Atwater could only guess that Jay hadn’t been taking proper care of them either. He already knew that Jay was way behind on his physical therapy, he hadn’t even been fitted for a temporary prosthetic leg. Okay, Kevin might have done a deep dive on below the knee amputations. Transtibial amputations. He had sucked up all of the information he could like a dry sponge submerged into a bucket of water. And while some of Jay’s struggles were certainly based on financials, most of them were mental health related. But again, the whole team didn’t need to know. Kevin looked around and saw the rest of his team waiting for him. Oh, was he supposed to answer Ruzek? “I don’t know, man. A lot has changed in the past few months,” he settled on saying. Torres scoffed loudly and even rolled his eyes. Burgess and Atwater sent him some disapproving glares but said nothing. “Couldn’t hurt to check on them though, right?” Burgess said and went to stand up, but Ruzek laid his hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her back down. Atwater was surprised at that. In a good way though. “I don’t think we need to crowd them, you know how small the room is and everything,” Ruzek said to his fiancée. He briefly wondered if Jay knew about the engagement, Kim had probably told him already. Atwater was pleased, he fully agreed with Ruzek. He would have said the same thing if Ruzek hadn’t already. Burgess shrugged her shoulders and remained seated. Atwater and Ruzek shared a look. Both men smiled slightly. 

It took Voight no time at all to tame Jay’s unruly beard. At first it had been awkward, Voight’s large hand gripping Jay’s neck or chin to adjust the angle. Jay had been so tense, the whole situation was bizarre. Voight had never done anything like this for him. But eventually the two found their rhythm, and Voight was able to give Jay a simple and neat cut. Maybe it wasn’t what Jay would have chosen for him but it was good enough. Voight turned off the razor and disconnected the charger. He then stuffed everything back into the razor’s cardboard box. Jay chuckled. “Don’t break it already, will you?” he watched in amusement as his boss struggled to fit everything in. Voight looked at him from the corner of his eye, and gave everything one final shove. There. Voight closed the box. One by one, he picked up the other bottles and containers and placed them back into the plastic bag. Then, without saying another word, he left the room leaving behind a confused Jay. 

Chapter Text

Jay must have lost track of time as he was startled by Adam entering the restroom. “There you are. We were getting worried there. You okay?” Adam spoke as soon as he laid his eyes on Jay. Jay was still sitting on the counter, a bag of groceries on his lap. He slowly turned his attention to Adam. Has he been crying? Adam thought as Jay turned his head. A flash of embarrassment crossed Jay’s face, and Adam smiled sadly. “Hey buddy, what’s wrong?” he asked, taking a couple of steps closer but making sure to stay far enough to not crowd him. Jay only shook his head and sniffled. Adam didn’t know what he was supposed to do. He wasn’t used to Jay being like this. Fragile, emotional and so very lost. Yeah, that’s how he seemed. Lost. Adam couldn’t blame the man. He couldn’t look at Jay’s missing limb for more than a few seconds before his brain made him look away. Adam couldn’t even begin to understand. But he had to do something, even if he didn’t understand. “Is it cool if I sit next to you?” Adam asked, and moved next to Jay after getting his permission. He left a respectable gap between him and Jay. Jay looked a bit better with a trimmed beard. Adam noticed how cracked the other man’s lips were now that there was no facial hair to cover them. One of the deeper cracks was even bleeding. Shit. “Shit, Halstead. You're bleeding,” Adam said and gestured to the other man’s lip. Jay looked unsurprised and touched the bleeding spot with one of his fingers. “Oh, yeah. That happens,” Jay’s response was dull. He was tired. What was he doing here? He had no idea what time it was, he had definitely missed his last dose of painkillers, and his right hip was aching. He wanted to go home. But he couldn’t. He felt a tear slipping from his eye. Frustrated, he wiped his eyes and willed himself to cry no more. “Maybe we should get out of here, huh? We could go to the couch either in the break room or in Voight’s office. I can get Kevin if you want,” Adam was praying that Jay would ask for Kevin. He had no clue, zero clue, about how to handle the situation. He let out an audible sigh when Jay answered his prayers and asked for Kevin. Adam stood up, slightly too fast, and exited the room. 

Kevin returned less than a minute later, pushing Jay’s wheelchair. Jay would never admit this out loud, but he was so relieved to see that stupid thing. He quietly asked for Kevin’s help, and together they got Jay settled in the chair. “Do you, umm. Can you push me?” Jay asked weakly. He had no energy left in him. He wasn’t sure he was up to speaking with Adam, Hank and Upton. But he also knew that he didn’t want to return here the next day. Kevin had started pushing him forward, but Jay paid little attention. His head was a mess. His thoughts and emotions were like multiple balls of yarn that were being smacked around by a bunch of baby bobcats. The more Jay tried to think, the more tangled the yarn balls got. “Is the office okay?” Kevin asked when they were a few feet away from the break room. Jay managed a small nod. He had curled his shoulders forward, making himself noticeably smaller at some point since exiting the restroom. He avoided looking at anyone. Kevin pushed the wheelchair into the office and pulled the door mostly shut. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he said and left. Jay felt his legs shake a little. Mmh. Pain and exhaustion does that sometimes. He screwed his eyes shut and waited for Kevin to return. 

Kevin had walked all the way to Platt’s desk downstairs. “Hey sarge, do you know if we have any heat packs in the building?” he asked Platt once he was close enough. Platt raised her head from a file, and a concerned look spread over her face. She hurriedly took off, and returned only a moment later with two packs in hand. She offered them to Kevin. “Do you need me back?” she asked once Kevin had taken the packs. “Nah, I don’t think so. But thanks. We might have to end the day sooner than we thought, you’ll see us when we come down,” Kevin answered before heading back upstairs. He made his way to the break room’s microwave, and placed the heating packs inside. He left them to heat up and beelined to the restroom where Jay’s crutches were waiting. Kevin grabbed them and brought them back to his desk. There, he picked up Jay’s hoodie, effectively avoiding everyone’s curious and concerned eyes, and returned to the microwave. He pulled its door open and took the packs. They seemed warm enough to Kevin, and he returned to the office. He tossed everything he was carrying to the desk before exiting one more time to get a glass of water. Kevin nearly crashed into Adam when he entered the break room. “Whoa! Is everything okay?” Adam asked. Kevin honestly didn’t know. “I think he wouldn’t mind it if you came with me,” Kevin decided to say. He filled a glass halfway and walked behind Adam to the office. The door was pulled shut behind them. 

Jay was massaging his upper thigh muscles. On his left leg. That was a distinction he still needed to make. His leg nerves were sending him all sorts of strange signals, and he didn’t know what else to do. That’s what you get when you ignore the advice from your pain management specialist, AKA a physiatrist, and your physical therapist. What was that? Oh. Kevin had been trying to get his attention a few times now. He carefully opened his eyes and looked at Kevin, and noticed Adam in the room as well. Both had worried looks on their faces. “Jay? What’s wrong?” Kevin asked for the umpteenth time. “Umm. Can you hand me my meds?” Jay said through gritted teeth. He would have gotten those himself but he simply didn’t have the strength. Kevin hurried to Jay’s wheelchair and rummaged through one of the pockets on it. He quickly retrieved a bottle of pills, scanned the printed text on it, twisted the cap open and shook out two pills. He then offered them to Jay. Kevin noticed how badly Jay’s hand was shaking when he reached for them. Kevin then handed him the glass of water, and was glad he hadn’t filled it too much or else water would have spilled due to the severe shaking of Jay’s hands. “You want to move to the couch?” Kevin suggested, unsure if it was a good idea to move Jay in this state. Jay nodded his head and stopped rubbing his leg. “Umm…“ was all Jay was able to say. He couldn’t. Embarrassment got the better of him and he stayed silent. Kevin must have been a godsend at this point. “Is it okay if Adam here helps too? Kevin’s voice was gentle and soothing. Adam took a step forward, showing his willingness to help if necessary. Jay nodded his head without looking at Kevin or Adam. 

Over the next couple of minutes, Kevin and Adam worked out a plan to help Jay to the couch. They kept vocalizing their suggestions so that Jay could offer his input; a nod or a shake. He hadn’t said a word since Kevin had requested that Adam help too. They explained everything to Jay before actually doing anything. Didn’t touch him or move him without letting him know first. Jay mostly kept his eyes shut, and an occasional tear slipped down his face. Once he even let out a small whimper that he wasn’t able to stop. Adam almost dropped Jay at that. This was so out of his comfort zone. Adam wasn’t a carer, he was a protector. But he desperately wanted to help Jay, so he did his best to follow Kevin’s lead, and after what seemed like a small eternity, Jay was laying on his back on the couch. He had pillows strategically placed under his stump and thigh, and a blanket over his lower body. Kevin had also placed one heat pack on the stump itself, and the other one was placed close to his left hip. At least Jay wasn’t shaking visibly anymore. Kevin pulled out a chair and sat near Jay’s head. Adam took a seat next to him. “Should we, I don’t know, call someone? He looks bad,” Adam said with a drop of panic in his voice. “No! It’s fine, just give me a minute,” Jay almost shouted before Kevin could even process Adam’s question. And so they waited. 

Ten, fifteen minutes later, Jay opened his eyes. His nerves no longer felt like they were flowing with molten lava and glass shards. He could still feel the discomfort but it wasn’t consuming him anymore. He looked to his side and saw Kevin and Adam, both waiting patiently for him. They looked relieved to see Jay with his eyes open again. He pushed himself to his elbows. “Umm. Sorry about that. Happens sometimes with,” Jay nudged his head towards the remains of his left leg. Kevin let out a sympathetic hum. “Is that, I don’t know, normal?” Adam couldn’t help but ask. Jay dragged his body back so that his back was against the armrest. He considered how to answer. No, I just fucked this up like everything else, was the honest answer. “I mean, everyone’s different,” Jay deflected. Kevin had to physically bite his tongue to stop a scoff. “Maybe once we go back to the hospital we can talk to your physiatrist,” Kevin said instead. Jay raised his eyebrows in question. “Your what now?” Adam asked. That was a word he hadn’t heard before. “It’s like a pain management specialist. You have one, right, Jay?” Kevin answered the question. That was weird. Most people had never heard of physiatrists, and Jay was having a hard time getting his head around the fact that Kevin knew what it was. “Sure. Yeah, I have one. I think,” Jay spoke slowly. He adjusted one of the heat packs slightly. “Listen, Adam, how about we just get our conversation out of the way” Jay then said. He didn’t miss the pleased look on Kevin’s face. Hmh, Kevin would probably carry him back to the hospital soon if he didn’t hurry it up. “Yeah man, whatever you want.” Adam hurried to answer. Kevin stood up to give Adam the opportunity to get closer to Jay. “You cool if I step out for a bit? Just a short moment, I promise,” Kevin asked Jay. Jay nodded after considering the question. He felt comfortable enough in Adam’s presence. Which he found oddly surprising if he was being honest. Adam always sent him such mixed signals. Were they more like coworkers than close friends, some days Jay really couldn’t say. Kevin smiled at them both before quietly exiting the office and closing the door behind him. 

“We’re engaged” Adam blurted out once Kevin was gone. “I don’t know if Kim told you. But we are,” he finished. Jay gave him a wide smile. “For real! I had no idea, she didn’t say anything. Congrats, man!” Jay sounded genuinely happy for them. He extended his hand in a fist, and Adam bumped it with his own. “Thanks, man. Yeah, after everything that happened last year, it just felt like the right move,” Adam said with a smile. He looked to the bullpen, and while he couldn’t actually see Kim through the closed blinds, he looked at where he assumed Kim was. “Can you tell me? About last year I mean,” Jay asked. Torres’ words echoed in his head. Just because your life is so shit and miserable that ours can’t possibly be bad enough. Adam wondered if it was a good idea to answer honestly, but there usually wasn’t much point in lying. And so he told Jay about his shooting. How it had brought Kim and him closer together than ever before. How Adam had realized that he so desperately needed Kim in his life and how he wanted to share the rest of it with her. Jay nodded here and there. He understood where Adam was coming from. He, too, had once felt that way. Perhaps he still did. But he had thrown it all away with a swish of a pen. He pushed the thought of his own engagement and marriage out of his mind. This was about Adam and Kim. Adam spoke for a while longer until he seemed to finish. “Wow man, that’s quite the story. Well, I really hope it works out for you two - I mean I know it will’ Jay quickly corrected himself. Adam didn’t mind though. Nothing anyone else said could bring down his mood when it came to Kim. He loved her so much it almost made his heart burst. 

“Is it okay if I ask you something,?” Adam said after a moment of comfortable silence. Obviously, Jay wanted to say no. But he couldn’t. “Yeah man, of course,” he said with a falsified smile. “Okay. It’s actually two questions. First, would you go back to Bolivia if you had the chance?” Adam asked. Jay hadn’t thought of that before. He didn’t even consider it a possibility, returning. “Umm, I don’t know really. I’d want to go back, you know. I felt like I made a difference there. But I don’t know if I can, not like this,” Jay said with defeat. “You know you made a difference here too, right?” Adam pressed. While he understood why Jay had left, he didn’t agree with him. Jay sighed. “I know, Adam. I do. But you know what happened between me and Voight. I couldn’t stay after that,” Jay explained. He hoped that Adam would accept his answer, even just for now. He didn’t have the energy to continue this topic. “What’s the other question?” Jay tried to steer the conversation elsewhere. Adam either didn’t notice or let him do it. “Okay. So, did you leave the hospital without permission? Because Kevin mentioned that you’d be going back there after you’re finished here, and you still seem to have an IV in your arm,” Adam asked his second and final question. Ah. Adam hadn’t been here when he had explained it to Trudy a few hours ago. “Oh. They let me go for the day. I still have to go back. Umm, they need to monitor my infection levels or something, I don’t know,” Jay waved his hand in an attempt to downplay the hospital stay. Adam wasn’t having it. “Can I come and visit you with Kim, if you’re staying there much longer that is.” he asked again. So much for two questions. Jay shrugged. “I don’t see why not. Just a fair warning though, there’s no tv so you’d probably be bored pretty soon,” Jay said and hoped that his answer would persuade Adam not to come. He should have known better, of course.

It was then that Kevin appeared from the bullpen. “Hey Jay. Listen, I know you still haven’t spoken to Voight or Upton, but I think we should get going soon. If we wait much longer then it’ll be rush hour and I don’t want to be late” Kevin said. Great. Jay had really hoped to finish with everyone before leaving. He literally didn’t have it in him to return to the 21st anytime soon. He said as much to Kevin. “How about we ask Voight and Upton to stop by tomorrow?” Kevin suggested. Jay disliked the idea almost as much as returning to the precinct. “Okay,” he answered simply. He looked at Adam. “Was there anything else? I think we can continue for a while if you want,” Jay stated. Adam didn’t miss how tired Jay sounded. It was odd, seeing him tire so much throughout the day even though Jay didn’t even do anything demanding. “Nah, bro. We’re good,” Adam said and stood up. “You need me to stick around?” he asked once he had taken a few steps back. Jay shook his head but managed a small smile. “Thanks Ruz. For before,” Jay thanked him. “Don’t mention it,” Adam replied as he left the office. Jay removed the heat packs and the blanket and swung his legs off the couch. Only one foot hit the ground. He was mostly used to that by now. Kevin moved his wheelchair a bit closer and locked the brakes. He took the initiative this time, and went over to help Jay stand and make his way into the chair. Jay mouthed him a thanks and Kevin nodded. He hurriedly folded the blanket and tossed the heating packs onto Jay's lap. “We can return these to Platt as we go,” he explained once he noticed Jay’s questioning look. He then handed Jay the hoodie. “I’ll go grab your things. Are you okay to get to the elevator on your own?” Kevin asked. Jay nodded yes. God, he found himself actually enjoying Kevin’s mother hen -mode. Something was clearly deeply wrong with him. Obviously. Kevin exited the office first, and Jay started wheeling himself to the elevator. 

On his way to the elevator, Jay noticed how the bullpen was vacant. He wasn’t sure if he was glad about it or not. “Oh, I cleared it with sarge while you were with Adam. Told him that your time was almost up. He was fine with it when I asked if he could drop by tomorrow,” Kevin shouted from his desk. Sarge would be coming tomorrow. “And Upton?” Jay had to ask. “Sorry Jay, she didn’t give me a straight answer when I asked,” Kevin answered after a beat. Jay sighed and stopped to wait for Kevin at the elevator doors. He didn’t have to wait long. Kevin had his own bag over his shoulder, and Jay’s crutches and grocery bag in his other hand. Jay pressed the button to call for the elevator, but it was already on their floor. Both men entered, and Jay pressed the button for the first floor. The ride was short, and soon the doors opened to reveal a busy hall. Police officers and detectives were walking around, some civilians were standing in line at the front desk. At least everyone gave Jay enough room to wheel himself around. Jay approached the front desk, cutting in front of the line. “Sorry guys,” he said to some of the people in the line. “Hey Trudy, thanks for the packs,” he said once Platt had approached him. He gave the packs back to the desk sergeant. In exchange, Trudy handed him a small box. “This is for you. I won’t take no for an answer. Now scoot, you’re holding the line, Chuckles,” Platt said in her ‘mean old sarge’ voice. Jay didn’t have the time to study the box any further, so he left it on his lap as he started wheeling towards the main entrance where Kevin was waiting for him. Together, they exited the building. 

Chapter Text

The car ride back to Med was uneventful. It had been closer to an hour  since Jay had taken his pain meds, and they had fully kicked in about twenty minutes ago. He felt slightly groggy. Had Kevin given him too much? No, he wouldn’t do that. Jay blinked his eyes and found that Kevin had just finished parking his car. They must have cut it too close for comfort since Matthews, Jay’s physical therapist, was already waiting for them near the entrance. “I was just about to organize a search party for you, Halstead” the man in scrubs spoke when Jay and Kevin were close enough. Jay was in his chair, with his crutches on his lap. Matthews noticed how Jay had let his friend push him, and concluded that the day had been too much for him. “Mr. Atwater, I think it’s best if you go home tonight. You’re free to stay with him until visiting hours end, but I need my patients to rest if I want them to get better.” Matthews’ authoritative tone left zero room for negotiation. Kevin only nodded. He wanted to stay, but understood why he couldn’t. Jay had almost fallen asleep in the car multiple times, but fought off the sleep each time. “I understand, doc” Kevin confirmed and let Matthews take over as Jay’s personal chauffeur. Kevin did take the crutches though. He trailed behind as Matthews pushed Jay forward with determination, navigating the maze-like hallways with years of practice. 

Kevin looked at the clock in Jay’s room. He had just over an hour left before he had to leave since visiting hours ended at seven on this floor. Jay was currently in the shower, accompanied by a nurse. Oh boy, the scene Jay had made when he wasn’t allowed to shower unsupervised. If the situation had been any different, Kevin would have probably filmed it with his phone to show the team later. But Jay just craved independence. So Kevin kept his mouth shut, phone in the pocket of his jeans. Adam had actually bought Jay some new clothes too, at Kevin’s request, but Kevin had taken those to safekeep in his own bag. While Jay was in the bathroom, Kevin busied himself with the new clothes and hung them in the small closet in Jay’s room. It wasn’t much, just a couple of sets of t-shirts, hoodies and pants. Plus some shorts as well, and some multi-packs of socks and boxers. Kevin scolded himself for not giving any of them to Jay before he headed for the bathroom for his shower. Maybe he could knock on the door and offer them to the nurse. He picked out a shirt, shorts, boxers and socks and placed them in a small plastic bag. He then approached the bathroom door. He waited until he couldn’t hear the shower running, and knocked a couple of times. “Yes?” the nurse’s voice sounded from the other side. “Sorry to bother. I just have some clean clothes for Jay. I forgot to give them before,” Kevin explained, and took a step back as the door opened slightly. A hand poked through. Kevin pressed the bag against the waiting hand. “Thanks,” a short reply, and the door closed once more. Kevin walked back to his bed and sat down. He had stopped at 7-11 on their way to Med, and was studying the snack haul on the bed. He picked up the closest thing and started eating. 

It took Jay another ten minutes to finish. Although he wouldn’t admit it, he was thankful for the nurse’s presence. He might have almost fallen over once or twice. He let the nurse dry his hair, and help him get dressed. Jay didn’t miss the tags still on the shirt and shorts. He watched the nurse pull them off. Did Adam buy them for him? He didn’t know who to thank for them. He settled on thanking the nurse once he was fully dressed. “Good thing you have shorts now. I get the appeal of long sleeves, but stump care is easy like this, see?” the nurse told Jay who was now sitting in his wheelchair. Jay knew from past experience that he wouldn’t actually see his bare stump if he glanced down, as long as he didn’t lean forward at all. So he looked down at his shorts. Mmm, he supposed they were comfier. He didn’t want to risk anything, and looked back up again. The nurse seemed to notice but made no comment. “Let’s not keep your friend waiting.” the nurse said as he pressed on the long button on the wall. The door started opening, a nifty little mechanism right there. Jay let himself be wheeled out of the bathroom and toward his awaiting bed. With practiced ease, the nurse helped Jay sit on the edge of the bed. “Someone will be with you shortly to take your vitals and dress your stump,” the nurse said once he was certain that Jay was okay on his own. Jay nodded but couldn’t hide a frown. He had half hoped that he wouldn’t need to be monitored again. That was still a possibility, of course. But Jay wasn’t in an optimistic mood. Oh, and the fact that his stump was still just, out there, left Jay with even more limited options to move or look around. Because he didn’t need that image in his head right now. After the nurse finished updating Jay’s chart, he exited the room. Kevin pulled Jay into a conversation about nothing and everything. 

It didn’t take long for Jay’s doctor, Powell, to enter the room with a different nurse. “Evening, Jay. Kevin,” Powell greeted as he walked over to Jay’s bed. He asked Jay some questions while the nurse got started with taking Jay’s vitals. Kevin observed the scene, mostly focusing on the nurse and her reactions to whatever Jay’s vitals were. She had started by reconnecting Jay’s IV. She then stuck some wires to his chest - Kevin’s no expert, okay? he couldn’t describe it any better if he tried - and turned on one of the monitors beside Jay’s bed. While the monitor recorded the results, she wrapped a blood pressure cuff around his arm. The reading showed up quickly, and the nurse frowned slightly. Lastly, she clipped a small, gray monitor on Jay’s index finger. She took some notes, then disconnected the wires, took off the monitor from Jay’s finger, but left the cuff around his arm. At that point, Powell was done with Jay. “I think we should keep you on the intravenous antibiotics for at least two more days. I know it’s not what you wanted, but today’s trip was a big stressor to your body. I don’t think you realized it but your temperature is slightly elevated.” Powell explained to Jay. Jay was about to respond but the nurse spoke first. “Before I can start the antibiotics again I need to reinsert the IV. I ran the line with fluids to test it, and it seems it has infiltrated at some point during the day.” Shit. Kevin got to his feet and approached the bed. He wasn’t sure what he was going to do yet, but he wanted to be close in case. 

Jay couldn’t believe this. NO. Powell had promised him in the morning that if he left the stupid IV in place that he wouldn’t need a new one. Jay was glad that he was no longer connected to the heart monitors as it would have shown some concerning readings right about now. Jay closed his eyes in an attempt to calm himself. He felt his breathing speed up, and he felt like all the blood drained from his face. Lightheadedness settled in quickly, and Jay swayed to the right. Doctor Powell caught him before he landed on his side. “How about we get you lying down first?” he suggested as he helped Jay lie back on the bed. Kevin remembered the piece of sea glass that Kim had given Jay, and he quickly went to retrieve it from the pants that Jay had worn earlier. He twisted it between his fingers before returning to Jay. He studied the man on the bed. His eyes were mostly closed, tight fists gripping the sheets under him. Lips nothing but a thin, tight line, brows furrowed, beads of sweat forming on his sickly pale forehead. “Hey Jay, I got something for you. It’s from Makayla,” Kevin spoke as soon as he was close enough. He went to Jay’s left side and pressed the sea glass shard against his closed fist. He waited for Jay to investigate, and it didn’t take that long. Jay moved his focus to Kevin, and accepted the sea glass. He started fiddling with it with both hands. His breathing was still too fast, and it was obvious that he was trying to stop his body from shaking. Doctor Powell and the nurse waited patiently. At some point, the nurse had fetched a new IV kit and was holding it in her hands. Kevin looked at the doctor. “How can I help?” Kevin asked. The doctor considered a moment. “If you could continue talking to him. Removing the old IV will be quick and easy as it is already mostly disconnected. We’ll place a new one on his right arm, assuming we can find a vein. You can take a seat on his left side,” Powell instructed and Kevin did as he was told. He pulled one of the chairs closer and sat down, leaving the nurse enough room to work. Kevin focused on Jay’s eyes, and he was happy to see that Jay was also attempting to focus solely on him. Kevin spoke about unimportant things while the nurse was able to remove the IV. Quite simple, just as Doctor Powell had said. And now the hard part. Kevin wasn’t sure if he was about to cross some bro code lines. He stood up, leaned over Jay’s bed, resting against the railing. He then reached out to Jay’s head and started running his fingers through Jay’s hair. Jay couldn’t help but relax almost instantly. It brought him back to his childhood, when his mother used to stroke his hair on hot summer days. Those days seemed like a lifetime ago. Jay kept staring into Kevin’s brown eyes, listening to his quiet voice. Jay was almost able to fully ignore the blue band that was being tied around his right arm. He barely noticed the nurse gently tapping his arm, willing the veins to present themselves. Jay scrunched his eyes shut at the sound of the IV kit being ripped open. He focused on his breathing. In… hold… out... Repeat. Kevin kept stroking his hair. In… hold… out. He couldn’t stop the violent flinch when he felt a needle piercing his skin. He held his breath, sounds turning muffled around him. Something twisting and digging into his vein. And then it felt better. He gasped and let out the breath was holding. His chest raised and fell rapidly for a moment while he struggled to calm down. When he finally opened his eyes, the nurse was no longer by his side. The IV was fully secured in place, and was supplying him with whatever. Antibiotics. Maybe something else. Doctor Powell was at the end of the bed, holding Jay's chart. And Kevin was still running his fingers through his hair. Jay didn’t want him to stop. 

“I’m sorry about that, Jay. You did well,” Powell said with a small smile. “Most of your vitals are good. We’ll continue to monitor your blood pressure more closely, it’s likely nothing serious but you have kept us on our toes in the past,” the doctor joked. “Nurse Willows will finish up soon. I spoke with Matthews earlier, and we decided to try how your body reacts to a stump sock. They don’t offer the same support as a pressure wrap would, but it should be manageable. We don’t want a repeat of last night, do we? I also scheduled you for a meeting with Dr. Owens. Your appointment is tomorrow afternoon,” Powell said as he was getting ready to leave. “Thanks, doc” Jay managed. At that, Kevin pulled back and took a seat. He flexed his fingers. They had started to ache from the repetitive motion, but he didn’t mind. As long as it helped Jay. The nurse, Willows, fetched a box from one of the trays on the other side of the room. She opened it and picked up a gray sock-like item from it. “This might look like an ordinary, stretched out sock but actually it’s a lot cooler. It has something called x-static fabric in it. It contains silver, which helps battle bacterial growth and infections. Let’s see how this fits on. Let me know if it feels too tight,” Willows said as she approached Jay’s left leg. She lifted the leg with one hand, and with Jay flexing the muscles to keep the leg in the air, she placed the sock on the stump. Jay gently waved his stump around and flexed it up and down. It felt almost good even. Smooth. Not suffocating. “Thanks, it feels better,” Jay told the nurse after testing it out. Willows smiled, and took the box to a trash can. “Mr. Atwater. As you're probably aware, visiting hours ended about five minutes ago. I’ll continue my rounds and come back in 30 to 40 minutes. I expect you to be gone by then. Our patient needs his rest,” Willows said firmly, but her eyes were kind. Kevin gave her a quick nod before she left the room. 

Kevin looked at Jay. His eyes kept slipping closed but he didn’t let himself fall asleep just yet. Kevin gave his left arm a small shove. “You should just sleep, I’ll get out of your hair,” he said. Jay shook his head. “Can you, I thinkt the box Trudy gave me is here somewhere?” Jay asked instead. While Kevin stood up to fetch the box, Jay used the bed’s remote to raise the head of the bed so that he wasn’t lying so flat anymore. When Kevin returned to Jay’s bedside with the box, Jay was sitting up. Kevin handed the box, a new smartphone, to Jay. “I know you’re going to ask. She told Adam to buy it for you, with her money,” Kevin said as he took his seat on Jay’s left side. Jay held the box in one hand, in his other he still held the piece of sea glass. He didn’t know how to react. No one ever gave him anything. Not even before Bolivia. When his mother had passed away, so did the tradition of gift giving in Halstead’s mind. Why were they being this nice to him? Didn’t they understand that he had abandoned them, lied to them, betrayed everyone's trust? Exhaustion was quickly creeping up on him, so he didn’t manage to make any sense of his mixed feelings. He looked at Kevin, who gave him an encouraging smile. Jay sniffled - was he about to cry again? - and carefully opened the box. It wasn’t the latest model or anything, but it was a brand new phone. Jay took the phone out of the box, and saw that someone had already turned it on before. He unlocked the screen. There must have been a SIM card in the phone since it was connected to the internet. He immediately turned off the mobile data, and connected to the hospital wi-fi instead. He would ask Trudy? Adam? what sort of plan the phone had. He then remembered the card that Trudy had given him. The one with the phone numbers. He opened the phone’s contacts list and to his surprise there were already multiple numbers saved. Including Mouch and Trudy’s private ones. Jay blinked a few times and looked at Kevin in disbelief. “Don’t look at me, I have no idea what’s on there. It was all Trudy,” Kevin chuckled at Jay’s expression. “Listen, I think I really better get going now. Willows didn't seem to be in a mood for antics today. I think Adam and Kim will stop by in the morning, so please text them when you wake up,” Kevin requested softly. He stood up to start gathering his things, but Jay grabbed his wrist. After getting Kevin’s attention, he let go. “Umm. Thanks Kev. For, you know, before.” Jay’s voice was mumbled, both from exhaustion and also embarrassment. The old Jay, pre-Bolivia Jay… Two legged Jay? Okay, not that one. The old Jay would have never been this vulnerable in front of anyone, not even Upton. Jay really should start keeping an actual list of all the things that have changed since Bolivia. Now he could, now that he had a phone again. Jay looked at Kevin for a split second. He didn’t dare any longer. “Of course, Jay. Don’t mention it. Oh, and also. What happens at Med, stays at Med. I won’t say anything,” Kevin said sincerely. Jay smiled at that. “I’d rather be in Vegas but thanks,” he said with a smile. Kevin quickly gathered his things, leaving most of his snacks for Jay. As he was putting on his jacket, he looked at Jay with a playful smile. “I’ll take you. Once you’ve better,” he said to Jay. “To Vegas?” “Hell yeah, brother!” “I’d like that Kev, I really would,” Jay spoke softly. Kevin checked the time. He was still in the clear, Willows wouldn’t return quite yet. “I’ll text you when I get home, alright? And remember what I said, text Kim or Adam in the morning,” Kevin reminded. Jay gave him a quick thumbs up and then he watched Kevin go. Jay let his head crash into the pillows. Oomph. He took a deep whiff of his shirt. He smelled like him again. The same body wash and deodorant that we used to use… before. He absentmindedly placed his phone and the sea glass on the side table next to his bed. He didn’t have a chance to turn off the lights as he was fast asleep already. 

Chapter Text

Kevin arrived at the 21st just before 8pm. He wasn’t sure if the others would still be here. Voight had requested that they be off new cases unless something urgent happened. They always had some paperwork to catch up on, so maybe the bullpen wouldn’t be empty just yet. Kevin stopped by the front desk, but Platt wasn’t there anymore. Right. She worked normal hours, unlike Intelligence. He scanned his ID at the gate and headed upstairs. 

Kevin was greeted by Kim, Adam, Hailey and Voight. He couldn’t see Torres though. Kim looked worried. “Back so soon?” she asked once Kevin was at a reasonable distance. Kevin nodded and slumped down on his chair. “Yeah. Jay wasn’t feeling so hot so they kicked me out to let him rest,” he answered. The answer didn’t wipe away Kim’s worries. “Is he okay?” Adam asked beside Kim. Oh yes, almost hyperventilated himself unconscious at the sight of a needle but you know. Peachy, Kevin thought. “He will be. Just a long day. For all of us,” he said instead. Voight was leaning against the doorframe of his office, brows furrowed. “What happened?” Voight asked. Kevin should expect no less from a roomful of cops. He kept his gaze mostly on Hailey as he answered. “Just a little needle trouble, nothing too serious,” Kevin spoke slowly. The tiniest hint of worry crossed Hailey’s face, but it was gone as fast as it showed up. “Look, I promised not to say anything. You can visit him tomorrow and ask if it matters that much,” Kevin said with raised hands. The others quieted at that. Kevin turned to face Kim and Adam. “I said that the two of you would visit tomorrow. He’s told to text you in the morning but I’m not sure if he will. He doesn’t want to be a burden,” the sadness was evident in Kevin’s voice. “Why? Did he say something?” Adam asked, and Hailey scoffed. “You’re kidding right? We’re talking about Jay here. He’s always been that way. Never let anyone in, not even me. Puts on a mask and pretends everything’s okay,” her tone was judging. No one could disagree though. She was right. There had only ever been a handful of instances where Jay had been brutally honest with anyone on the team. You wouldn’t even need a third hand to count those instances with your fingers. And they’d worked together for like a decade or something. “That may be true but this time’s different. You haven’t seen him in the hospital like I have. He’s… he’s barely hanging on, guys,” Kevin finally admitted. He didn’t think that Jay was actively looking to harm himself or worse, but he clearly didn’t value himself  or his life anymore. Jay had been putting on a mighty performance, especially for Platt, but Kevin knew better. The bullpen fell silent. 

“Platt came to see us after you left with Halstead,” Voight eventually broke the silence. “She asked us all to go to her place, and I had a feeling that you’d come back tonight so we waited. Something to do with Halstead. Torres already said no,” the sergeant added before Kevin could ask. “And the rest of you?” Kevin questioned, but the question was aimed at Hailey.  Everyone else nodded, so Kevin turned to look at Hailey. “I don’t know yet,” she simply said. “Don’t think too long, we’re out in five” Voight barked as he retreated into his office. Kevin studied Hailey until she glared at him. He turned to look the other way. 

Four minutes passed, and Voight emerged from his office. He looked at Hailey with a raised brow. “I don’t know, Hank,” was still her answer. Voight sighed. “Come on. You’re with me,” he decided for her and marched through the bullpen and descended to the main floor. Kevin watched as Adam and Kim stood up to leave. They’d be sharing a ride, obviously. Soon it was just Hailey and him. “Come on. Let’s go find out what Platt has planned for us,” Kevin stood and waited for Hailey. She had her arms crossed, and a tight look on her face. Kevin kept waiting, and eventually she gave in. “Fine. But only because I don’t want to keep Voight waiting,” she grumbled but started walking to the car lot with Kevin in tow. 

— —

Hailey had never been to Platt’s home before. She didn’t think the others hadn’t either, well, Voight probably has at some point. Hailey found herself thinking that Jay might have been here as well, who knows. Platt and him had a strange relationship that she couldn’t quite understand. If Jay had ever been here, he hadn’t told her. She and Voight joined Kim, Adam and Kevin on the front steps. One of them knocked on the door, and Platt opened it after a while. One by one they entered the house. Should have gone home, Hailey thought as her body passed over the doorstep. 

Platt herded everyone into her spacious living room. As they got seated she passed around some drinks. “No Torres?” she asked Voight who shook his head no. Good. Platt didn’t need him and his attitude. She wasn’t entirely sure why he was so angry with Chuckles. She didn’t really care though. “Thanks for coming. I know you’re eager to go home to your boring little lives,” she said, taking a seat. She was expecting at least one chuckle from someone but didn’t hear any. Too bad. She was hilarious. “As at least some of you know, Jay doesn’t have a proper place to stay in. He told me he’s likely getting discharged from Med on Monday - that’s in four days, Adam- so we need to come up with a plan by then,” Platt told everyone. Adam couldn’t help but smile at the older woman. Okay, maybe he was bad with days sometimes. Sue him. “I won’t take him.” Hailey said with absolute determination. No surprise there. Platt hadn’t expected her to. Even though the apartment was half his-or maybe not anymore. Hailey hadn’t told anyone about the finer details of the divorce. “Look, you don’t have to let him stay indefinitely. Even just a couple of days helps.” Platt tried when no one volunteered. Kevin almost did, really. But… he felt bad about even thinking about it, but he didn’t have the capacity to tend to Jay like that. Jay needed help, probably from a professional. “I’ll do it,” Kevin’s thoughts were interrupted. He turned towards the voice with a surprised look on his face. The room was silent. Everyone stared at Voight. “I have the room. Quit it,” he grumbled. Platt looked at her friend of many years. She was pleased, she would have taken Jay in herself if no one from the team volunteered. She was glad it was Voight. “How long?” she asked. “As long as it takes,” Voight shrugged. He didn’t know. “That’s task number one done then. Sanctuary. Task number two. Support system,” Platt read from her notebook -wait, where did that come from? Of course she had a notebook. “I know we’re all still mad at Jay for leaving us in the dark, alright? But he needs us right now. He’s just too stubborn to admit that. If you've been paying any attention at all then it should be painfully clear. He’s lost at sea without a lifeboat. And it’s hard to stay afloat with only one leg,” Kevin said and his last words got him a jab between the ribs from Kim. Platt gave him an approving nod. “And how are we supposed to do that? Once he’s not feeling like absolute shit thanks to the infection, he’ll shield up. He only needs a speck of independence and he’ll be convinced that he doesn’t A, need us and B, deserve us either,” Adam said. He thought back to the break room couch incident that had happened several years ago. Jay had been struggling then, and hadn’t said anything. Adam figured that this time wouldn’t be any different. “So we’ll work the problem,” Voight said with determination. “I’ll beat it through his skull myself if I have to.”

Hailey had her arms crossed. She wasn’t having it. No, Jay made it perfectly clear in the past that he didn’t want her anymore. It wasn’t on her to try and insert herself back into his life. Not happening. She had tried already. For weeks. Even before the divorce. She kept calling and calling, and he didn’t fucking pick up the phone. She was done. She didn’t care if he came crawling back for her - literally - the man could rot in hell for all she cared. Go back to Bolivia. Disappear into the night, never to be seen again. All sounded like music to Hailey’s ears. She listened as the others threw around some ideas, but overall little progress was made. Some of their suggestions were outright ridiculous. Group therapy? Really? For Jay Halstead? She’d almost laughed at that, but managed to hold it in. 

After the unsuccessful brainstorming session, Adam and Kim had left. Something something Makayla something. Maybe Jay had stayed if they had a kid. Woah. Where did that come from? She was not willing to open that can of worms. Nuh uh. Seriously, nuh uh. Kevin seemed to be almost done with his drink too, he’s probably leaving soon. “Can I hitch a ride from you Kev?” Hailey asked. She wasn’t sure why, but she wanted to avoid riding with Voight right now. Kevin glanced at their boss and shrugged. “Sure, Hails. Why not. Give me five and then we’ll go,” Kevin offered and took a sip from his bottle. Hailey managed a look towards Voight. He too had his arms crossed and brows furrowed. Was he upset with her? The audacity. Hailey sent her boss a challenging look. Voight did that weird thing of his where he rolls his shoulders and kind of shakes his head. He looked thoughtful. Hailey was surprised when there was no lecture. 

“Ruzek or Burgess will text you after their visit with Halstead tomorrow. I gave them until noon to get back to the precinct.” Voight said to Platt who nodded. “I don’t think I can spare the time to visit him personally, so make sure that they do,” Platt said to the fellow sergeant. Kevin and Hailey stood up and thanked for the drinks. After a quick goodbye, the pair exited the house into the Chicago night. Voight sighed. What a mess. But, lucky for everyone, cleaning up messes was Voight’s specialty. “Anything else in that notebook of yours?” he asked after a brief silence. Platt flipped the pages. “Oh you know, lots of things. About Halstead? A couple more,” Platt responded. Voight nodded once as if giving Platt permission to continue. Not that she needed it from Voight of all people. “I think we need to get in contact with his boss from the military. I got the impression that Halstead isn’t receiving any sort of benefits. I find it hard, impossible to believe that he doesn’t qualify for anything,” Platt said. Voight nodded. Assuming that Halstead got a medical discharge, he should qualify for financial and medical aid. Maybe even assisted living. “Do you want to handle that or should I?” Voight asked. Platt scoffed playfully. “Please, we don’t need to get the military on our list of enemies. I’ll make some calls. I know a guy,” Platt replied quickly. Voight didn’t manage to stop a grin from forming on his face. “Is that right? You think I can’t ask nicely?” Voight teased. Platt shook her head and stood up. “Alright, mister. Get out of my house. You have a guest room to get ready,” Platt waved him off with amusement. Voight grunted at that, but took the hint and exited the house. After bringing his empty beer bottle to the kitchen sink of course. What, he’s not a complete animal. 

— —

“Do we need to bring Jay something tomorrow?” Kim asked Adam as she climbed to their bed. Adam considered. “We can always ask tomorrow before we leave. I just hope he texts us first. But if he doesn’t then I will,” Adam settled on saying. “So you agree with Kev, that he won’t text us?” Kim asked. Adam looked down at her. They were snuggled up together with Adam’s arms around Kim. He shrugged. He wanted to give some credit to Jay but as of right now? Yeeah. “Maybe he’d appreciate it more if he didn’t have to make the first move, you know? Maybe if we just keep showing up for him then he’ll realize that we’re there because we want to, not just because he asked.” Adam voiced his thoughts.  Kim hummed and stroked Adam’s forearm. That made sense. “I guess we need to find a balance between giving him independence and being there for him without ‘crowding’ him like you call it,” Kim replied. Adam huffed. “Hey, if you’d been there when he almost knocked me unconscious in the break room then you’d agree with me more.” Kim turned her head to look at Adam. “What’s that supposed to mean?” she demanded. Oops. Adam hadn’t told her. “Oh. It happened ages ago. One morning, I got to work early, I thought I was the first one there. I heard some noise, and found Jay on the break room couch, sleeping, if you can call that sleep. He was kind of restless, might have been crying now that I think about it. Anyway, he seemed like he was having a nightmare so I gave him a quick nudge. He shot up and almost punched me square in the face. He was obviously embarrassed about the whole thing, and I didn’t have a chance to ask him about it before he sneaked off,” Adam recalled everything from the morning the best he could. Kim’s expression turned sad as Adam’s story progressed. “We never talked about it again. Until I sort of brought it up today. Voight was there so we didn’t actually talk about it,” he finished. “Do you think that he has PTSD or something?” Kim asked carefully. Adam’s head was nodding yes before he even realized it. “If he didn’t back then I’m almost certain he does now. I talked to Kevin earlier. When we were alone. Apparently there’s something he’s still hiding about how he actually came to lose his leg. Kevin didn’t know,” Adam revealed. Kim had seen the new set of scars on Jay’s arms. She briefly wondered how the rest of him looked. She didn’t truly want to know. Adam noticed the upset on her face, and gently stroked her hair a few times. “We’ll figure it out, babe. I promise. One day at a time.” 

— —

“You can drop me off here. I could use the air,” Hailey said as she and Kevin were about two blocks from her apartment. Kevin nodded from behind the wheel and found a safe spot to pull over. Before he let Hailey leave, he spoke. “I know you’re angry. You have every right to be. But maybe, give him a chance, hm?” Kevin tried to be as nice as possible. It didn’t seem to be working. Hailey scoffed. “Thanks for the ride,” she said curtly, opened the door and pushed it close with too much strength. Kevin watched as she stormed off. That went well. 

Hailey walked at a quick pace. How dare he? Just because he wanted to mother hen Jay and act as his personal servant and caregiver doesn’t mean that he can ambush her like that. Urgh! Rage boiled within her, and she balled her fists. She noticed some drunks sitting on the sidewalk, and they seemed like they were about to catcall her, but her appearance must have been fierce enough even for the drunks. She stomped past them with rageful determination. She’d get home, pour herself a drink and preferably pass out on the couch. A good idea on a work day? Not her problem. 

She struggled to get her keys out of the pocket. She so wasn’t in the mood tonight, and kicked her front door with frustration. Sometimes violence was the best solution. She finally got the keys and unlocked her door. She stepped inside and pushed the door shut with her leg. Stupid lock. She tossed her keys to the side desk and let her bag fall to the ground. She went to her drinks cabin. Nothing. Only empty bottles. Huh. When did that happen? She didn’t want to think of that too much. She slumped on the couch and turned on the tv. Channel surfing for a couple of minutes, she settled on some random documentary about chimpanzees. She used to watch them before. Nature documentaries. With him. Jay. They’d make each other laugh by imitating the sounds from the animals. On one occasion, Jay had even stood up and waved his arms around like a soaring condor. They both might have been a little tipsy that night. She turned off the tv. Suddenly she couldn’t stand the thought of a documentary. Might as well eat something. She forced herself off the couch and beelined to the fridge. She fished out some basic ingredients for a sandwich and busied herself for a couple of minutes. This was the most precisely made sandwich in all of Chicago tonight. When there was nothing else to do, she plated the sandwich and carried it to the table. She fetched a glass of water and sat down. She took a couple of bites. Delicious. Just like Jay used to make. He always added an extra slice of cheese on Hailey’s sandwich, she never requested it but she loved the gesture. You can never have too much cheese. Suddenly she wasn’t hungry anymore. She pushed the plate forward, away from her. Get out of my head, Halstead! Hailey almost wanted to text the guy and tell him to fuck off. She had blocked and deleted Jay’s number from her phone a long time ago, and she had never bothered to memorize it. Good riddance. She finished the water and carried the glass and the plate to the kitchen. She emptied the plate into the trash and left the dishes in the sink. She’d deal with them later. She didn’t have the energy to place them in the washer, not yet. Good thing that Jay had insisted they get one. Hailey had tried to fight him about that, wanted to save money or something. But Jay insisted and installed the damn thing himself. Honestly! Leave me alone! Hailey might have said those words out loud. She wasn’t sure. She stomped her leg like a child. What was he doing to her? She was usually more cool and level headed than this. She decided to take a cold shower to calm down. At least Jay couldn’t take steal from her, as the man had always gravitated towards hot showers. Take that, Halstead. 

Hailey almost believed that a five minute ice cold shower could make anything better. As she finished toweling herself dry, she picked out a clean set of pajamas. She put in the extra effort to select a pair that wasn’t a gift from Jay. Maybe she should move out. Every corner of the place was haunted by memories of him. Most of her things were haunted too. She couldn’t exactly go and throw all of them away though. No. She wouldn’t let a man, any man, drive her away from her own apartment. This was hers, and only hers. Jay had signed her everything. The apartment, furniture, all of it. He had only kept his own clothes - that were still waiting for him in the closet that Hailey no longer used - and his car. Everything else was legally hers. She wasn’t sure why she had kept Jay’s clothes in her apartment. Was she supposed to rent a storage unit for them? Right, and she pay for it? No. The smart thing would be to pack them up and bring them to Jay. The Hailey -thing? Avoidance. They’re his clothes. I won’t touch them. He knows where they are if he needs them. Hailey thought as she started brushing her towel dried hair. Or maybe he doesn’t. Probably thinks I burned them or something. Maybe I should. Too bad we don’t have a fireplace. Hailey looked at her own reflection in the foggy mirror. She sighed. Fine. I’ll get a message to him somehow and tell him to stop by and get them. Wait, what? Really? Really. She tossed the brush back on the counter, flicked the light switch and exited the bathroom. She entered the bedroom. She hadn’t made her bed in the morning. Jay would so scold her for that if he knew. Stop that. Hailey collapsed on the mattress and pulled the covers loosely over her. Maybe she should buy a new bed. This one felt massive, too vast for her. She liked cozy things, and while this one was great if you had someone to share it with, Hailey found it almost isolating for just one person. Huh. She could buy a bed that’s just for her. Her bed. She liked the concept, and reached for her phone. She waved her hand around the nightstand but couldn’t feel her phone. She grumbled and pulled the covers off from her body. She stood up and started searching. She eventually found it stuffed in her bag that was still waiting at the front door. She took it and noticed one missed call and two texts. 

They were all from Kevin. Hailey ignored the call notification and went straight for the messages. “I’m sorry Hailey. I didn’t mean anything by it.” she read the first one. She let out a small laugh. Right, that makes sense. “hope you made it home safe” read the other. Kevin was always so kind, even if they were fighting. She sent a short reply, confirming that she was safely in her apartment. She decided to set an alarm for the morning just in case. She adjusted the volume, and tiptoed back to the awaiting wasteland of pillows and duvets. 

— —

Jay woke up slowly. He didn’t really remember falling asleep in the first place. That’s how exhausted he was. He blinked his eyes a few times to clear his vision and located the clock on the wall. Not even midnight yet. He half expected to see Kevin on the other bed across the room but it was empty. Right. He wasn’t allowed to stay this time. Jay was tired but not ready to fall back asleep yet, so he reached for his new phone. Its bright screen blinded him temporarily. He fumbled with the controls and finally managed to lower the brightness. It was a different brand than his previous phone so he was slightly thrown off by the layout and controls. He had plenty of time to figure it out later. He checked his notifications and found one from Kevin. “Don’t forget to text Ruzek or Burgess. Or both” Jay rolled his eyes. He probably couldn’t forget if he wanted to at this point. Maybe Kevin would send a messenger pigeon too. It was about the only thing he hadn’t done yet to remind him. Since it was late he decided not to answer. He placed the phone back on the table. He let his eyes roam freely. The room looked more lived in than the last time he was here. Last time he didn’t have anyone sneaking him snacks, bring clean clothes let alone keep him company. Maybe this was a crucial turning point for the bett- no. Don’t be ridiculous. The team would stick around until they made themselves feel good enough, and then they’d leave. Jay closed his eyes and cleared his mind. He welcomed the sleep that consumed him with open arms. 

— —

Kevin smiled when he noticed that Jay had read his message. He waited a few minutes for a reply, but didn’t receive one. Not out of character for Halstead. He wasn’t very good with technology, and he was terrible with words. Kevin thought that Jay’s old phone hadn’t been a Samsung, so the man would likely be at loss with all the different controls until he managed to figure it out. He placed his phone down, already having read Hailey’s message a while back. He felt a bit bad. He didn’t mean to push Hailey one way or the other. He just thought that hearing Jay’s perspective, personally, one on one, would do her and Jay good. Maybe tonight wasn’t the right time to suggest it, but Hailey and Kevin rarely stayed in bad spirits for long. They almost had a sort of brother-sister relationship, and Kevin valued it dearly. 

It didn’t take Kevin all that long to be in bed. Living alone had its perks. He never had to wait for his turn to use the shower or dodge anyone in narrow hallways or furniture-filled living rooms. Another reason why he couldn’t have taken Jay here. He simply didn’t have the room. Kevin wasn’t sure how much the other man would rely on his wheelchair once he got discharged from Med, but his apartment, the whole building in fact, wasn’t accessible. Hmm. How about Jay’s old apartment, the one where the team found him in? The elevator wasn’t functional and the halls were narrow. Kevin didn’t remember seeing a wheelchair or crutches anywhere in the apartment, but had he really been looking? Probably not. He made a mental note of it, and figured he could ask Jay when he saw him next. If they wanted to solve the mystery of Jay Halstead then they needed to have all the pieces of the puzzle first.

Chapter Text

Mornings were usually busy in the Burgess-Ruzek household. This Friday was no exception. Adam moved around the kitchen with practiced ease, stirring pots and pans and chopping vegetables. He tried to make a slightly better breakfast for every Friday, call it an early start for the weekend. Fresh porridge, pancakes, veggies to put on bread. Sometimes he made smoothies, but today they were out of fruit. Makayla was still in her room doing her own thing, and Kim was in the shower. Adam smiled. They worked together so well. She always wanted to shower in the morning while Adam had trouble falling asleep at night if he hadn’t showered first. Sure, the house had more than one shower so they both could have showered at the same time if needed. But he liked to save water if he could, if you caught his meaning. Adam chuckled, and placed two pancakes on the three plates in front of him. He then got small bowls from the cupboard and filled each with porridge. He added a handful of blueberries to each bowl, and placed the bowls on the plates. He then got one more bowl and filled it with the sliced vegetables; cucumber, bell pepper and tomatoes. He picked up all three plates and balanced them to the dining table. He looked around but didn’t see either of his ladies yet. He opened the fridge, and picked up a packet of margarine and a carton of orange juice. He picked up a butter knife and carried everything to the table. He did one last trip, fetching mugs and the bowl of veggies. He sat down on his go-to seat and waited for the others. He checked his phone. 6.45. No message from Jay yet. It was still early. 

Kim could smell fresh coffee as she approached the dining area. She saw Adam waiting patiently, ever the gentleman. She had told him, multiple times, that he didn’t need to wait for them if he wanted to get a head start on breakfast. Adam gave her a loving smile and a kiss on the forehead every time, and said that he cherished those moments - sharing a meal with her and Makayla - and that he would have waited all day if it meant he got to spend time with his two favorite ladies. “The coffee pot’s still in the kitchen,” Adam said from his phone. Probably reading the morning news. Kim nodded and fetched the pot. She poured them both a generous amount of coffee, and set the pot on the table. She noticed that Adam had forgotten the milk again but didn’t say anything. He already pampered them too much. Fresh, homemade pancakes every morning? And a small brunch-like feast for every Friday? Kim could fetch the milk alright. “Makayla, breakfast is ready!” Kim yelled, startling Adam. That too, was a regular occurrence. Kim smiled and took a sip from her coffee. Mmm. Must be a new blend of something. It was good, like really good. Makayla joined them shortly afterwards, still in her PJs. “What were you doing in there? I thought you’d be dressed,” Adam said and ruffled her hair. She rolled her eyes and shoved his hand away. She took a seat in the middle. “I heard you talk about Uncle Jay last night. When I was brushing my teeth,” she revealed. Adam set down his phone immediately. He looked at Kim, who looked as confused as Adam felt. “Oh yeah, sweetie? What did you hear?” Adam tried to keep his voice neutral and panic-free. “Not much. Just that he wasn’t feeling well. I didn’t have time to do it last night, so I woke up before my alarm,” the young girl continued. “You didn’t have time to do what last night?” Kim asked. “The card of course.” Of course. A gentle smile spread on Adam’s face. He glanced at Kim, who seemed to have tears in her eyes. “Oh that’s so sweet of you. Did you finish it?” she asked her daughter. Makayla nodded but didn’t say anything. She had just taken a bite from one of the pancakes and hadn’t eaten it yet. Impressive manners. “I’m sure Uncle Jay will love it. We can take it with us today and give it to him if you like,” Kim suggested. Makayla swallowed the last of the pancake. “Sure! I don’t really like hospitals or I’d come too. Uncle Jay won’t be mad though,” she responded. Adam covered his mouth with his hand to stop a laugh. Someone has clearly spent too much with Jay ‘I hate hospitals’ Halstead. The trio fell into a comfortable silence, eating the delicious breakfast that Adam had prepared. 

Thirty minutes later Adam was buttoning up his shirt. He had been checking his phone every five minutes since breakfast. Still nothing from Jay. Adam would give it until eight, then he’d message. Kevin had said that visiting hours were from 9am to 7pm, so he assumed that by eight Jay should be well awake and ready to either write a message, or receive one from Adam. Adam heard the front door open and close. Kim was probably accompanying Makayla to the bus stop. Her school wasn’t that far away, but the bus collected students from multiple locations so she had to be out and ready early. Adam finished getting dressed and made his way to the kitchen. Kim was still out, so got to work and started washing some of the dishes by hand. He didn’t want his pots and pans in the washing machine. Once those were washed and drying off on the side, Adam went ahead and started filling up the washer with plates, bowls and utensils. Just as he placed the last plate into the rack he heard the front door again. “Is it just me or is the bus always this late?” Kim muttered as she hurried to the bedroom. She still needed to get properly dressed. Jay probably wouldn’t mind if she visited him in her morning robes, but she might get curious looks from others. Adam wiped down the dining table and pushed the chairs under it. He placed the reusable rag to hang on the tap after rinsing it clean and wandered into the living room. He sat down on one of the armchairs and fished his phone out of his jean pocket. 7.28am. He unlocked the screen and checked his messaging app. A message from Jay! He almost dropped his phone in excitement. He pressed it open and read it quickly. “hi.” it said. Adam could see three dots pop up, indicating that Jay was writing more. Adam sat straight and waited. “Kevin ordered me to message. here it is.” Adam laughed. Such a Jay message. He stood up and went to search for Kim. “Heh babe, Jay sent a message!” he said with excitement once he located her. She was doing her hair, fully dressed now. Adam quickly read both messages and shared a laugh with Kim. “Tell him we’ll be there at nine. Oh and ask if he needs anything,” Kim supplied the words and Adam wrote them. They waited impatiently for the three dots. “ok. don’t need anything. see you then.” Kim and Adam shared a look. “You can’t really tell the tone from just text, right?” Adam said carefully. Kim nodded her head carefully as well. “Right. Well, we don’t need to leave yet so I guess we’ll just. Wait.” 

— — 

The pair couldn’t stand the waiting at home, so they left for Med with plenty of time to spare. They parked their car in the furthest parking area, simply to waste time on walking inside. At Jay’s request they didn’t bring anything with them. Apart from Makayla’s card of course. They entered Med with ten minutes to spare. Kim and Adam looked around. Neither had ever been on Jay’s floor before. They couldn’t use the closest elevator to access it, so they had to walk to a different one. Navigating the identical halls gave them something to do at least, and when they finally found the right elevator, it was already 8.56am. Adam pressed the call button for the elevator and they waited. Kim bounced her leg nervously. While Jay looked okay yesterday thanks to the haircut and trim, he was still sick. She wasn’t sure what to expect as Kevin nor Jay hadn’t painted them a vivid picture. She followed Adam into the elevator and she selected the floor. Two doctors also entered with them, both selecting different floors that were before Jay’s. Great. That would take them a few extra seconds at least. The doors slid shut, and the elevator started to ascend. 

Jay played with his breakfast. He pushed the slightly too watery porridge around with a spoon. Yum, soo appetizing. Or not. At least they were finally giving him coffee again. He did manage a few bites from the toast. And he also finished his green jell-o. If you asked Jay he could give you a twenty minute presentation on all the different jell-o flavors with a ranked point system included. Yeah, he had spent a lot of time in hospitals over the years. He adjusted his position on the armchair and checked the time. One minute past nine. Kim and Adam should be here any minute. Jay no longer had a blood pressure cuff on his arm, but he was chained to an IV pole. Whoever had thought to add wheels to those things was a smart one. He looked around the room. It wasn’t messy per say, but you could find a few things to put in order. Even the slight untidiness bothered him. He wanted to stand up and move the chairs into a better position and maybe fluff up his pillows. The spare bed could use some attention too. Kevin had left a couple bags of chips and candy bars scattered around. Jay really wanted to stand up and fix things up. But he didn’t. Couldn’t. There was little he was able to fix these days. He went back to pushing the porridge around the plate until there was a gentle knock on the door. Jay cleared his throat. “Come in.”

Adam heard Jay’s voice from the other side and opened the door. He held it out for Kim who entered first. He decided to leave the door ajar and enter as well. The room was quite large for a hospital room. Despite all the furniture, there was still plenty of room to move and get around. Adam counted four chairs, two stools, one armchair, two beds, a closet and two medical supply cabinets. He also noticed a door to what he presumed was the bathroom. He even scanned the walls. A large window showed a view of the busy streets of Chicago. But no television, just like he had been warned. He made note of the two sets of crutches, but didn’t see Jay’s wheelchair anywhere. He turned his attention to Jay and Kim, who had started conversing. Adam walked closer to the two. “So. Did it pass?” Jay asked Adam. “Huh?” Adam had no clue what he was talking about. “My room. Did it pass your inspection?” Jay specified. Oh. Adam chuckled. “Yeah man, love what you’ve done with the place. Looks very cozy,” he said with a grin. Jay gestured for them to take a seat in the chairs littered around the room. Kim took the one closest to Jay, and Adam moved one closer as well. “Thanks for coming. You didn’t have to, but I appreciate it,” Jay said softly once everyone was seated. “Of course, Jay. We promised. And besides, I have something for you. From a special someone,” Kim said and reached for her purse. She rummaged through it until she found Makayla’s envelope. She handed it to Jay. She didn’t miss the hint of a shake in his hand as he took it. The envelope was bright yellow, and Makayla had drawn green dots on it. She had used a silvery glitter pen to write down “Uncle Jay” in an attempted cursive. Jay’s heart warmed at the sight. “We would have brought her with us but she said, and I quote, that she ‘disliked hospitals’ and that Uncle Jay wouldn’t be upset if she didn’t come,” Adam said teasingly. Jay chuckled. Yeah, he might have planted the seed in her mind that hospitals were no fun. Jay turned the envelope over and carefully opened it. He pulled out a handmade card. The base was dark green and Makayla had glued brown and light green patches of cardboard on it. Camouflage design, Jay recognized. He opened the card and examined it. The left side had a hand drawn picture of a stick man dressed in army fatigues. The boots and helmet were comically large. On the right side there was a short poem and a get well soon wishes. It was signed ‘Your favorite niece, Makayla’. Jay felt his eyes watering as he reread the poem:

“While we’re apart it’s important you know,
that my heart is with you wherever you go. 

I know your travels are for several months long, although I miss you I will try to stay strong. 

When you’re missing home and you need a lift,
I have something for you so please take this gift.“

Jay had actually heard the poem before, he thinks it was originally written by a Kathy something. Farace. Kathy Farace. The last line of the poem made Jay check the envelope and he found something inside. It was an extremely thin sea glass shard. This one was deep orange, about the size of a stamp. The color reminded Jay of the orange ribbon he sometimes saw people with amputations wear. The Amputee Coalition ribbon. Or whatever you call it. The shade was an almost perfect match. Jay looked at Kim with teary eyes. He closed the card and put it on his lap. He clutched the sea glass in his hand. “Thank, thank Makayla for me, will you?” he managed to say as tears rolled down his face. Adam wasn’t sure if they were sad tears or not. Kim stood up and wrapped her arms around Jay. Adam thought he saw Jay flinch at the initial contact but he wasn’t sure. Kim kept the hug short, and sat down again. Kim had tears in her eyes as well. Jay wiped his eyes with his hands to get rid of the tears. “Did she, um” he cleared his throat, “did she show it to you?” he asked. Adam shook his head. “I didn’t see it either. You don’t have to show us though,” Kim answered with a gentle smile. Jay looked toward his bed. “Could you, umm, could you maybe place it on the nightstand for me?” he asked Kim in a quiet manner. Kim was on her feet in an instant, and she took the card from Jay. She made sure that she didn’t accidentally read what was written on it. She noticed the sage green sea glass shard on the nightstand and smiled. She placed the card next to it and returned to her seat. 

Adam sat in silence. Was he supposed to, I don’t know, talk about the weather or something? He didn’t want to upset Jay by bringing up his health, and mentioning work didn’t seem like a good idea either. There wasn’t much else going on in Adam’s life. Work, Kim and Makayla. And cooking. He glanced at Jay’s barely touched breakfast. “This stuff any good?” he asked despite knowing the answer. Jay rolled his eyes at him. “Sure. If you like soggy oats and two grains of salt for breakfast,” he replied sarcastically. Adam smiled at that. “I see Kev brought you alternatives,” he said and pointed at the spare bed. Jay huffed. “Sure. I bet my nutritionist would totally approve of those.” That caught Kim’s interest. “You have a nutritionist?” she asked. Adam was glad she asked. He would have asked too. Jay nodded. “Yeah. I umm, apparently need one,” Jay’s answer gave nothing. Okay then, moving on. “How do you pass the time, I got to ask. I know you warned about the lack of tv but come on man, that’s kind of brutal. Borderline torture even,” Adam fake complained. Jay had a smile on his face but it didn’t reach his eyes. There was no joy in it. “It’s not so bad. I’ve had worse,” he replied. Jay did that on purpose, make Adam feel bad. He couldn’t help it. But say stupid stuff, suffer the consequences. Adam’s face fell once he realized what he had just said. Kim looked so disappointed with him. “Oh, fuck Jay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Just forget I said anything,” Adam rushed out an apology. Jay’s eyes were slightly glossed over, and he stared into nothingness. Kim and Adam looked at each other with worry. But once they turned to look at Jay again, he seemed like himself again. “Don’t sweat it. Happens all the time,” Jay deflected. His palms were sweaty, maybe his forehead too. His mind had flashed back to Bolivia for a split second. He used some techniques taught by his therapist, and was able to pull himself out of it before anything actually happened. Jay looked at the tray of food still in front of him. He quickly turned his head away. “Umm, you mind if we move elsewhere?” Jay asked. He would have bolted across the room to his bed already if he could. “Nah man, we can do whatever you want. Is the bed okay or do you want to go outside or something?” Adam asked and stood up to be ready to help in any way. “Bed’s fine. Thanks,” Jay responded and pushed the tray and the small movable table away. He grabbed his crutches and stood up. Kim noticed the IV pole and went over to it, ready to move it for Jay. He didn’t say anything and started making his way to the bed. He sat down and left the crutches leaning against one of the chairs. Kim rolled the IV pole to the head of his bed. Jay swung his legs on the bed and fiddled with the IV line. Adam rounded the bed and took a seat on Jay’s left side. Kim took a seat on his right. “Okay but seriously. How do you pass the time?” Kim asked. She thought back to all the times she had stayed in a hospital. Having a tv in her room was the one thing that kept her sane. Jay smiled softly. “Umm. Most days I just slept. Had some appointments on occasion. The hospital has a small library. I borrowed some books,” he answered. “I also had my phone before. And now I have it again,” he added. Kim nodded and considered his answer. That didn’t sound too bad. Considering how severe his injury had been, sleeping a lot was understandable. “My first room had a tv actually,” Jay blurted. His first room? “Oh, what floor was that on?” Adam asked. Jay said something but Adam couldn’t make out the words. “What’s that?” he encouraged. “The burn unit,” Jay kept looking at his fingertips while he whispered out the words. oh. What. Adam sent Kim a worried look. Kim shook her head as if to say ‘no idea what that means.’ “There wasn’t one. In Bolivia,” Jay’s voice was barely a whisper. Kim’s heart shattered at his confession. She and Adam stayed silent, unsure if Jay was going to say anything else. The silence stretched on for a few minutes until Jay spoke again. “It wasn’t exactly tar. But something similar. I never figured it out. Maybe one day I’ll ask them,” Jay’s voice was ominously casual. Like he was talking about what he had bought from the store, his dinner plans. Jay turned his left hand over and presented his open palm. The two detectives looked at it. Neither had noticed the scars there before. The middle of Jay’s palm was redder than his usual skin tone. Not horribly so, but you couldn’t really miss it if you looked. The burn stretched to his fingers, reaching all the way to most of the fingertips. It was almost like a spider web. Of skin, flesh, scar tissue. About sixty perfect of his hand was covered with the delicate webbing. The scarring didn’t seem that thick, it protruded from his regular skin level only slightly. Kim’s eyes went to Jay’s ring finger. Oh no. There was a clear band of unburned skin around where Jay’s ring had been. The ring had somehow protected the skin underneath from any damage. The skin around the now absent ring was scarred badly. Adam noticed it too. “Ironic, I think,” Jay said when he noticed his friends staring at his left ring finger. “Like a permanent brand. Or a reminder. Of how much of a fuckup I am. I was, as a husband,” Jay said with a laugh, an attempt to hide the emotional pain. “Does it hurt?” Kim whispered with teary eyes. “Not anymore. The umm, the burns were deep enough to damage the nerves permanently. The pain receptors I mean,” Jay responded. “That’s… good?” Adam tried and Jay laughed at his uncertainty. “Sure, buddy. It is,” he concluded. 

The conversation steered to lighter topics afterwards. Jay asked them about their upcoming wedding, but the planning was only in the early stages so far. Kim and Adam both tried finding safe topics to ask Jay about, but they quickly found out that there were very few of those. Kim asked about the books Jay had read. Adam barely listened to the conversation. You’d have to pay him to get him to read a book. Adam tried the topic of cars, but seeing that Jay no longer had his, the conversation was mostly a monologue from Adam. Jay didn’t mind listening though, Adam had a way with words when it came to cars. They also talked about Makayla for a while, and Jay finally let the others read the text in the card. There was not a dry eye in the room. Kim had no idea how she had managed to raise such a thoughtful , kind hearted daughter. Pride swelled in Adam’s chest. The card wasn’t quickly put together. The brown and light green patches were carefully cut out to correct shapes, secured properly with the perfect amount of glue. Even the poem was perfectly positioned on the card. How she managed all that with limited time, Adam couldn’t say. He would tell her how proud he was of her, tonight. No one really knew what to say after the card was placed back on Jay’s nightstand. 

Adam checked his watch. They better leave soon if they wanted to make it back to the precinct before noon. They were supposed to pick up lunch for everyone too. “Hey guys, you mind if I order lunch real quick? It’ll only take a minute,” Adam asked. Jay nodded immediately. “Thai place again, right?” Kim confirmed. There it was again. The Thai place. Jay wanted to ask but it didn’t seem like a big enough deal. He waited with Kim as Adam placed the call. He listed everyone’s order with precision. This proved to Jay how regular an occurrence this was, ordering from the Thai restaurant. He couldn’t remember a time when the team had ordered thai when he was still on the team. It was always Mexican. Or a stale hot dog from a vendor at the corner. I’ll start the list tonight, Jay thought as Adam wrapped up the call. “If we leave in ten minutes then we shouldn’t need to wait there,” Adam said to Kim as he put his phone away. “You don’t have to stay for me, you guys go ahead,” Jay said. He didn’t want to keep them, they had other things to do other than entertain a cripple. Don’t say that, Jay thought. Ever since he had joined the disabled community, he had tried to adjust his thinking. Not that he’d been insensitive or ableist before. He wouldn’t ever call someone else a cripple. Only himself. But he was trying to stop doing that too. He just had a lot going on. Bear with him. Adam looked at Kim. They really should get going. He just didn’t want to say that out loud. “Five more minutes then?” Kim compromised. They made loose plans about a next visit, but didn’t settle on anything specific. Adam mentioned how Voight might drop by later, after shift if their schedule held. They then hugged goodbye - at Kim’s insistence, and the couple exited with smiles on their faces. 

Jay watched them go. His appointment with Doctor Owens wasn’t until a couple of hours later. He had enjoyed Adam and Kim’s company more than he expected. He had worried that he’d need to put on a show, pretend and soldier on. But somehow, that hadn’t been the case at all. He cherished the morning and willed his brain to memorize the visit as vividly as physically possible. While the morning had been mostly positive, Jay’s energy reserves had depleted significantly. He wasn’t entirely sure why he had brought up the burn unit. Everything associated with that was… yeah. It was a lot. Emotionally. Physically. He couldn’t really talk about it without revealing the horrors of Bolivia. And no one needed to hear about that. He didn’t need to relive those moments. Jay needed a nap. He was in luck as he was already in bed. He would have preferred to have the room slightly more dim but he would manage. He used the controls on the bed to change it into a better position. He then turned on his left side. He absentmindedly drew random lines on his left palm with the nail of his right index finger. He barely felt the nail at all. He fell asleep shortly afterwards. 

— —

Kim and Adam didn’t talk much during the car ride. While he was driving, Kim wrote a short message to sergeant Platt. She kept it light, said that Jay seemed to be in good spirits for the most part. She did write about Jay’s new hobby - reading. She pressed send, she would have a chance to tell her more in person soon. They had already stopped at the restaurant and were a couple of minutes away from the precinct. They would have been there already but Adam had made a wrong turn (“it’s called an intentional detour, Kim!”) so they had to circle back. “I still can’t believe Makayla and the card. I mean of course I can, she’s the best kid ever, but still. I think we need to take her to the movies as a little treat,” Adam said as he finally pulled up in the precinct parking lot. “I know, right? How did we get so lucky with her? Sometimes I fear I do more harm than good with the hours we work,” Kim admitted. Adam finished reversing into a parking space before answering. “Stop that right now. You’re a wonderful mom. Makayla adores you. She’s lucky to have you,” Adam said firmly. He reached for her hand and brought it against his lips. Kim moved her hand after the kiss, cupping it behind Adam’s neck. “Thanks, it means a lot,” Kim said with a gentle smile. They wanted to cherish the moment longer but were interrupted by a knock on the window on Adams' side. Voight. “Get inside. People are hungry,” he ordered with the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. The couple laughed awkwardly and watched Voight disappear into the building. “You heard the boss, people are hungry,” Adam said with wiggling eyebrows and exited the car. Kim ran her hand across her face. I’m marrying a child, she thought as she went to open her door but Adam managed it first. A child with manners. Kim let Adam take the takeout bags as they started walking towards their workplace. Adam still managed to hold the door for her despite having his hands full with the bags. Fine. I’m marrying an immature yet well mannered man, Kim thought as she walked inside. 

Chapter Text

Adam was almost finished with his lunch by the time Kim joined the team in the bullpen. She had gone straight to Platt and pulled her to the side to have a better conversation about their visit at Med. Platt had her notebook from last night, and she’d written down a few things as Kim spoke. The sergeant asked a question here and there, but it was mostly Kim speaking. Once Kim had finished recalling everything she thought worth mentioning, Platt had squeezed her arm with a small smile before taking off to return to her duties. 

“Ruzek, my office,” Adam was ordered by Voight when the older man noticed that Adam was no longer eating. Adam stood up and joined him in the office. “What’s up, sarge?” he asked as he got seated. Voight leaned back in his chair, hands clasped together, thumbs circling each other. “You tell him? About last night at Trudy’s?” Voight eventually asked. Adam shook his head. Honestly, the whole thing had slipped his mind. Then again he wasn’t sure if he should go telling Jay that the team was holding meetings about him, without his presence. Adam voiced these thoughts to Voight. “Mmmh,” he mused back. Ruzek was probably right, how about that. “And now you have at least one topic to talk to Jay about,” Adam added as an afterthought. “Kim and I had trouble finding something to talk about, you know? Since we're both workaholics and, well, Jay’s not exactly full of chitchat topics right now.” “Or you could talk to him like things are,” Voight responded, and got a sigh as a response from Adam. “Look, no offense boss, but Jay isn’t like a mini version of you. Maybe he was headed for that before he left. But he was gone for months,” Adam said with a slightly raised voice. “Some topics are simply a no-go right now. You’ll see, fast, if you march in there without watching your words.” Voight leaned forward in his chair. It creaked and groaned as he moved. “Is that right?” Voight asked, eyes set firmly on Ruzek. What’s his problem today? “Yes. That is so,” Adam replied. Then Voight, he… smiled? “I spoke with Trudy after you had all gone home. You just passed, Atwater did too. Earlier,” Voight said with amusement. Adam looked over his shoulder. Atwater was at his desk, hunched over the keyboard as he worked on something. “I passed what, sir?” Adam eventually asked. “What Trudy calls Operation Protect Chuckles. Too straightforward if you ask me. You can go now,” Voight answered and turned his attention away from Ruzek, to some folders on his desk. Yeah, the paperwork never ends. It took Adam a second to stand up. Okay, that was weird, he thought as he approached the bullpen. Just as he was about to pass through the doorway, he turned back to Voight. “Are you gonna test Burgess too or?” Voight only grunted as an answer. Sounded like a no to Adam. 

The day passed slowly after that. Since they didn’t have any open cases that required non-office policing, everyone was forced to focus on paperwork. Except Torres, who had a meet with a potential new CI. The smug look on his stupid face as he left the bullpen, grrh, Hailey wanted to throw her computer mouse at him. She probably would have if it was a wireless mouse. But the city hadn’t updated their equipment in a while. I wonder if this is how Jay feels, confined by that IV of his. Hailey was so tired of the now-constant thoughts of Jay. She could have looked at a pile of dog shit and somehow, her brain would have made it about Jay. She thought back to last night, she really should do something about Jay’s clothes. She checked that Kevin was working alone on his desk before she approached him. “Hey Kev. I was wondering if you had Jay’s number?” she asked quietly, making sure that no one could eavesdrop. Kevin looked up from his work and raised his brows. “It’s the same as before. Platt made sure of that,” Kevin answered with a confused look. Unless… “Look, I don’t have it anymore, alright? Just text it to me, will you?” Hailey shushed at Kevin’s loud voice. She hurried back to her hesk and buried herself in work. Kevin did text her the number though. Hailey waited for a few minutes. She looked around. The others seemed focused on work. She stood up, grabbed her phone and stuffed it in her pocket and left for the restroom. 

Jay’s hairs were gone. She noticed immediately when she entered the restroom. Okay, so the janitor does visit this floor as well. She’d never seen Jay with such long hair before. She… kind of liked the concept of it. If it had been properly styled and maybe combed more recently. Jay, much like his brother Will, had hair that would start to curl if you let it get long enough. Hailey had seen it with Jay’s hair a few times. More than a few. Jay just used enough product on his hair that the curls were never allowed to leave the apartment. But a long haired Jay, with no product in his hair? Okay, seriously. Stop that, Hailey kicked herself as she walked to one of the stalls and sat down on the closed lid of the porcelain seat. She did lock the door behind her though. She took out her phone. Opened Kevin’s message. Held her thumb over the number included in the message. Pressed ‘create a new contact’ when the option to do so popped up. She stared at the empty name slots. First, she typed ‘Jay Halstead’ but she didn’t like that. ‘Jay H’ wasn’t right either, she didn’t know two Jays. Just ‘Jay’ was no longer an option either. She finally left the first name empty and wrote down ‘Halstead’ in the last name slot. No picture to attach to the contact. She saved it, and opened her messages and started typing. Or she attempted, more like. She wasn’t sure how to spell it. ‘Hi Jay. I still have all your clothes. Stop by when you can.’ She erased that one away. ‘Halstead. It’s Hailey. Your clothes are still in my apartment. Come get them when you can.’ Hmm. That seemed good enough. Should she use his first name though? No. It’s fine. She sent the message, put her phone away and exited the stall. She washed her hands for good measure and returned to the bullpen. 

— — 

Jay slept well. He would have slept longer if not for the orderly bringing him lunch. Something about him feeling better if he didn’t go to the meeting with the physiatrist on an empty stomach. Jay had requested that the orderly place the lunch on his bed’s table but was denied. He needed the exercise, apparently. That’s right. Hobbling from his bed to the armchair is how he exercised these days. He waited a few minutes after the orderly left before he slowly managed to transfer himself from bed to armchair. To be fair, it was more than he moved on some days. Back in ‘his’ apartment, the one he shared with a murder suspect apparently, he sometimes found himself fortified inside the bathroom for days. It had no windows and only one door. A door that he could lock. On bad days, he’d hoard some food in his backpack, carry it to the bathroom, lock the door behind him and stay there. Never more than a few days at a time. Six, at most. Lucky for him, his roommate was rarely around to judge. But he rarely brought groceries either for that exact reason. Jay had befriended an elderly widow from the apartment across the hall. She must have pitied him as she sometimes left a bag of groceries on Jay’s door. So. Walking across a room was exercise. No wonder he was so exhausted after spending most of the day at the precinct yesterday. He hadn’t moved that much in weeks. Huh. That didn’t sound concerning at all. Jay lifted the lid off the tray in front of him. A steamy bowl of chicken soup greeted him. And a side of some vegetables. “You need to eat more healthy, Halstead. Your body desperately needs it,” his nutritionist had told him some weeks ago. Jay briefly wondered if he was scheduled for a meeting with her too. Jay liked her. Not like that. But for a doctor, she was alright. Jay forced himself to eat the majority of the soup, and he managed to empty the bowl of vegetables too. Maybe he wasn’t a complete lost cause. 

He didn’t have much time to spare after lunch before the appointment. He didn’t bother returning to his bed to retrieve his phone. He hadn’t heard any noise from it, so he didn’t expect any messages or missed calls. He needs to select a new ringtone. He didn’t know what the current one was, but he was sure he wouldn’t like it. He did find the energy to change out of his shorts and into the gray sweatpants. Probably not a smart idea since Owens would probably need to see his stump. Not Jay’s problem. He sat in his stupid little armchair with his stupid little IV and waited for a nurse or whoever’s responsibility it was to get Jay to his appointment. Jay groaned when he saw that it was Matthews. “Don’t look too happy to see me, Halstead,” the physical therapist laughed when he saw Jay’s displeased face. “I come bearing gifts too. I had your wheelchair adjusted. It still won’t be as good as a custom fitted chair but it should offer better support for your thighs now. Come on, let’s give it a go,” Matthews finished. He checked Jay’s chart for some information and disconnected the IV. He wrapped the cannula with some thin gauze to protect it. He then wheeled Jay’s chair closer and held it in place as he watched Jay transfer himself to it. “I’ll carry your crutches so you have to wheel yourself today,” Matthews said and retrieved both sets. Sounded easy enough. Jay moved to the hallway and waited for Matthews to take the lead as he didn’t know where he was supposed to go. Matthews locked the door to his room and started leading Jay to Doctor Owens’ office. 

“Jay, my favorite patient!” Doctor Owens greeted them when they arrived at his office. They weren’t exactly late, Owens just liked to meet his patients in the waiting room if possible. Jay rolled his eyes. “Please. I heard you say that to Jessie when I left from our last appointment,” he fake complained and shook the other man’s hand once he was close enough to do so. Owens just laughed. “You’re all favorites in your own ways,” he said as he held his office door open for Jay and Matthews. He entered after them and let the door swing shut. He pulled up his saddle stool and sat in front of Jay. “I got an interesting phone call this morning from Powell,” Owens baited. He liked keeping his patients engaged and oftentimes spoke in half statements that required follow up questions. “Oh yeah?” Jay fell for it immediately. “Yep. Apparently you finally decided to file for your financial and medical aid. Would you know anything about that?” Jay glanced at Matthews before looking back to Owens. “I didn’t file for anything,” Jay replied with confusion. “You sure did. Apparently you appointed a,” Owens checked his notes. “A Trudy Platt as your representative.” Jay shook his head with a small smile. Of course. He shouldn’t be surprised. He meant to do that himself, file the applications, but he needed to deliver physical copies to some office in… he didn’t even remember where. Might have been a different state even. And he simply couldn’t do that. And he had lacked the energy to organize anything over the phone, so he had pushed it off until he didn’t see the point anymore. He wasn’t sure how Trudy had managed to do her thing. “Umm. I guess that’s correct,” Jay eventually said. Better not jinx anything. “I see no reason why your applications would get rejected. So, with this new information we now have, I think we can start making our plan,” Owens said and rubbed his hands together. This was one of his favorite moments. He had specialized in treating amputees, and he loved telling them that they were one step closer to getting a prosthesis. “A plan for..?” Jay asked warily. He didn’t know that there was a plan that needed making. “For your prosthesis, of course. We had to postpone it for a couple of reasons as you know, and the financial aspect was one of them. Now with that mostly taken care of, we need to focus on pain management and stump care if we want to get you walking. That’s why  Matthews is here as well, and our lead prosthetist is joining us shortly. I don’t think the two of you have met yet,” Owens finished. Jay was… overwhelmed. While the idea of a prosthetic should have been joyous for him, he couldn’t make himself excited about it. Matthews noticed Jay’s mixed reaction. “Listen, Jay. You’re young, you’re in good shape. With your military record and the medical discharge you’ll be eligible for some of the best prosthetics that modern medicine can offer. I know it’s a lot but this is a good thing. A great thing,” Matthews said to Jay with an encouraging smile. Jay forced a smile. “What does such a plan include?” he asked carefully. He wished Trudy was here. She’d be writing down pages worth of notes. Jay was already worried that he’d miss some key piece of information. “There’s multiple stages in the larger plan. But we’ll start with getting your body ready for a prosthesis. That means proper nutrition, building up muscle tone, exercise and pain management. You won’t make much progress if you’re constantly in pain or discomfort. While we wait for Garcia, that’s our lead prosthetist, we can start working on an updated pain management system for you.” Owens said. “If you don’t mind rolling up your pant leg for me,” he then requested. Should have worn the shorts, Jay thought as he did as requested. Matthews smiled as he noticed Jay’s new stump sock. “Look at you! That one’s pretty great, right?” He pumped Jay’s shoulder with his fist. Jay shooed away his hand but smiled. “I guess. Better than the suffocating wrap at least,” he answered. At Owens’ waiting expression, Jay sighed and removed the sock as well. Keep it cool and steady now, Jay said in his head. He felt better about his stump today than the day before, so he would probably be alright. Owens wasted no time and got to work.

Jay spent the next few minutes as a pin cushion. Owens poked and prodded his stump, asked Jay to stretch and move it into different positions. He even had Jay stand for some time. Owens tested Jay’s range of mobility and felt his leg muscles, writing down on his computer as he went. Jay felt ridiculous but held his tongue. Owens seemed to finish and let Jay sit back down. He wrote down a few more things and returned to Jay. “Now, Jay. This won’t work if you’re dishonest, okay? There’s no judgment in this room. We need you to answer honestly or we can’t help,” Owens said firmly. Jay nodded slowly. He would try. Owens then started asking questions about the types of pain Jay had. On both his legs. Was it nerve pain, muscular discomfort, something else? Matthews chimed in a bit as well. Jay considered his answers each time and was as truthful as he could. There was a question or two that Jay didn’t fully understand so his answers to those were more vague and superficial. Owens asked about how Jay tried to alleviate the pains. Did the stretch, simply distract himself from the pain, try massaging, medical ointments, heat pack, ice gel, acupuncture, mirror therapy… the list was long yet Jay barely said yes to any of them. “I ask this without any judgment whatsoever, Jay. But do you remember anything that we discussed last time?” Owens asked gently, voice free of judgment. Jay lowered his head. He had been in a dark place then. He shook his head ever so gently. “That’s okay, Jay. We’ll make a better plan this time, okay?” Jay nodded at that. Owens pulled out a thick piece of paper. He wrote something on it. Numbers from one to six, each on its own line. “Matthews and I will teach you some gentle stretches that can oftentimes help with muscle tension. Until you get your first prosthesis, your right hip will be supporting a heavy weight. You’re expected to have some discomfort there, but these stretches should help with that,” Owens said as he stood up. He spread out three yoga mats on the floor and took a seat on one of them. Matthews offered Jay the crutches. He took them and made his way to one of the mats. He sat down, and Matthews followed suit. The trio then spent about fifteen minutes on multiple different sets of stretches. Matthews helped Jay with some of them, but mostly he was able to do them without help. Some of them required a long, elastic band. Once they had gone over each individual stretch a couple of times, Owens stood up. He went to one of his desks in search of something. Matthews gave Jay some pointers on how to get up from the floor more smoothly, and Jay did as instructed. He then waddled to his wheelchair and sat down. Owens had found what he was searching for and walked to Jay. He handed him a stack of laminated papers. They were connected together by a string that had been pierced through each paper. Jay flipped the pages and studied them. It was instructions on the stretches they had just done. The papers had both images of each stretch and a small note about what area it targeted and how long and often you should do them. Owens took the thick paper from earlier. On the first line he wrote ‘stretching. see laminated cards’. “One down, five more left,” Owens said with a grin. An evil grin if you asked Jay. 

One by one, the lines on the paper were filled. Jay’s head was swimming with all the information. He was thankful to have detailed notes about almost everything though. Once the sixth and final line on the paper was finished, Owens laminated it and handed it to Jay. 

1. Stretching. see laminated cards
2. Massages. playlist on YouTube
3. Heat and cold. not straight against bare skin
4. Mirror therapy. Effective against phantom sensations.
5. TENS machine. for nerve and muscle pain
6. Hydrotherapy. for aching muscles and exercise.
1. Alternative: hot bath with epsom salts. 

Jay added it to his growing stack of papers. Most of them were about his legs and anything related to them, but a couple of pages were for his arms and hands as well. Since he needed to use those too to get around. “Here, let me get a folder for those,” Owens offered and fetched an empty one for Jay’s papers. Jay took it and stuffed all the papers inside. “Don’t lose it, okay? I made electric copies of everything of course. But you get it,” Owens said and sat on his saddle stool. Doctor Garcia decided to show up at that moment. He entered after giving the door a quick knock and didn’t wait for a reply. “Greetings, gentlemen. Sorry I’m late,” he said without offering any further explanation. “And you must be Jay Halstead. Hi. Doctor Peter Garcia,” the man introduced himself to Jay. Quite a firm handshake. “Hi. Call me Jay,” he shook the man’s hand. Garcia pulled out a chair for himself and got seated. “So, catch me up, will you?” the man said with a smile. He seemed nice and casual, relaxed. Jay liked that. He hated doctors that spoke in long, factual sentences using terms that normal people wouldn’t understand. Jay, with the help of Owens and Matthews, explained his situation to Garcia. His expression stayed encouraging, even when it was revealed how behind Jay was. “No situation is the same. I don’t like looking at numbers. People heal on their own time, when they’re ready. And I’m glad you seem to be ready now, Jay,” Garcia said before Jay could feel embarrassed about his slow, or rather, lack of progress. “Is it okay if we move to my lab? I’d like to get some initial measurements of your stump. If you’re comfortable with that, Jay,” Garcia suggested once the basic information has been laid out. Owens and Matthews nodded, they had no reason to object. Jay however, was unsure. Two days ago he’d been wallowing in self pity, having accepted the fact that getting a prosthetic was probably not in his future. And now they’d be taking measurements? For a prosthetic leg. It was all so sudden. Jay’s voice shook as he spoke. “Umm. Can we maybe take a short break before?” He just needed a minute to get his shit together. “Of course Jay. How about we move to my lab and take an early coffee break? I always like to have mine at 3pm but we can stop by the cafeteria if that’s okay,” Garcia suggested with a smile. Man, does he ever stop smiling? He’s almost as bad as Matthews. “Sure. I think. That sounds okay,” Jay answered after considering it. “I won’t be needing you two,” Garcia said to the other doctors. “Jay and I could use the time to do some good old fashioned dude-bonding. Right Jay?” He laughed loudly. Oh god, what was Jay getting into?

— — 

Hailey wasn’t worried. She wasn’t. It just, it had been several hours since she sent a text message to Jay, and there was no answer. Hailey couldn’t air his non-worry though. The others, apart from Kevin, didn’t know about her contacting Jay. She didn’t want to give the team any ideas, and she didn’t feel like explaining herself to them either. But… Kevin already sort of knew. She could talk to him. “Hey Kev, could you come here for a second?” Hailey asked as she stood up to walk to the break room. Kevin nodded and followed shortly. “Close the door,” Hailey requested. Kevin did as such. “You haven’t heard from Jay, have you?” she tried to keep her tone casual. Neutral, even. Kevin raised a brow at her. “Not since yesterday. Why?” he asked with curiosity. “No reason. Just wondering,” her answer was short and vague. Kevin didn’t buy it. “Come on, what’s up?” he pressed and walked closer to Hailey. She let out a sigh. “Nothing. I just texted him after lunch and he hasn’t answered yet,” she finally admitted. Keep your cool, it’s fine. “I think he had an appointment with his physiatrist after lunch. Probably didn’t take his phone with him,” Kevin recalled. “Oh. That’s some sort of pain management expert,” Kevin added at Hailey’s questioning look. She nodded. “Oh okay. Thanks, that’s all,” she replied and quickly escaped from the room before Kevin started asking questions about the texts. 

Kevin watched Hailey practically bolt out of the room. He smiled. She had texted him. Without his pressing. Maybe there was hope for them yet. He wondered if Hailey had asked to visit Jay in the hospital. He would find out eventually. He left the break room and returned back to his half written report. 

Voight had been in his office since lunch. He wanted to research… something, anything that he might need to know about once Jay was discharged from Med. But Voight was drawing a plank. He’d been staring at the empty Google search bar for a better part of an hour now. He considered searching for information about amputations, but he didn’t know what he needed to learn. So he didn’t. He had written ‘wheelchair accessibility’ into the search bar but erased it without ever pressing search. Did he really need to research anything? If Jay had something he needed, he’d ask. If something in his apartment was wrong, Jay would let him know. Right? Right? The old Jay would. This one would too. He checked the time. Almost three. He could work on some reports for an hour, maybe two if he was feeling productive. And then he’d leave for Med. He closed the tab on his computer and pulled out one of the reports. He grunted and picked up a pen. 

— —

Garcia’s lab was wild. Jay hadn’t ever seen anything like it. Right. Because he’d never needed a prosthetic before. There were large machines planted around the spacious room. Workshops and different sorts of tools and equipment everywhere. One wall was reserved for shelves and shelves of different types of prosthetics. Some seemed half finished, others were waiting for their users. Some seemed like they were just molds rather than finished products. It all felt a little intimidating. “We can talk here while we drink our coffees,” Garcia said to Jay and led him to a small sitting area. Jay wheeled himself over and angled his chair so that he was partially facing toward Garcia. He accepted the coffee and took a sip. “So, Jay. Could you tell me how you’re feeling about all this? I’ve been working with amputees for a long time. While getting a prosthesis is an exciting and perhaps even a freeing experience, it can also cause some past trauma to resurface. It’s completely normal to feel uncertain, nervous or even scared,” Garcia said to Jay. They both nursed their coffees while Jay considered his answer. He definitely felt all those things. Feeling afraid was a surprise. “A prosthesis will be a big part of your life. It’s nothing like you’ve ever had before. Thanks to current technology, the artificial limbs are almost as good, sometimes even better than our actual limbs. But they’re foreign, mysterious to the majority of the population. They’re also expensive. Sometimes new amputees are afraid to use their prosthesis because they worry that they’re going to break it. While some compartments on a prosthesis are more fragile than the rest, they are generally hard to damage,” Garcia explained. He left enough space between sentences to let Jay digest all the information. “I guess for me, it just makes it final. That I don’t have a leg anymore,” Jay confessed. Garcia gave him a supportive smile. “You’re not alone there. Many people feel the same way. I won’t push you to do anything, but I think you might benefit from meetings with other amputees. We don’t need to talk more about that, I just wanted to throw it out there as an option,” Garcia hurried to add when Jay scrunched up his nose. He smiled shyly. “You’re probably right though,” Jay admitted. Garcia nodded his head and stood up to fetch something. A pamphlet. He handed it to Jay. “You can tuck it in your pocket for now. Maybe some reading for later?” he said with a smile. “Could you, maybe explain the process of getting a prosthetic made? I’m usually the guy with the answers, I umm. Used to be a detective. Homicides, trafficking,” Jay trailed off. Garcia nodded. “Of course, Jay. This is about you. We go at your pace and request.”

He’s good at this, Jay thought as he listened to Garcia. He was almost finished with his presentation of how a prosthetic leg is made for below the knee amputees. He spoke in simple terms yet explained things with great detail. He kept short breaks, let Jay ask questions. The more Jay learned, the better he felt. Garcia had been right, many of his fears and anxiety stemmed from lack of information. Garcia grabbed tools and prosthetic parts to show to Jay, he let him hold and examine them for as long as Jay needed. When Garcia finally did finish, Jay felt at ease. Maybe he could actually do this. He took some steadying breaths. “Did you want to, um, take some measurements?” he asked as he handed a leg socket back to Garcia. “We can definitely get started on those if you want. But remember, there’s no rush. We can continue tomorrow. I’m my own boss and choose when I work,” Garcia said with a grin. “I don’t know if you heard already but your discharge got pushed to Monday morning. So we have the whole weekend to ourselves if you want.” Jay hadn’t heard. Great. He had expected it but getting confirmation was never fun. Although… “If we take the measurements today then what comes next?” Jay decided to ask. “Well, if the measurements are detailed and realistic enough then I can get started on a temporary socket. We won’t get you walking this weekend but we’d make some good progress towards that.” Jay thought about his options. “If you don’t mind then I think I’d like to start with the measurements. Today,” he sounded a bit unsure. Garcia studied him but agreed to the request. “You can take a seat over here then. I’ll be right back, I just need a few supplies.” Garcia said and disappeared between the shelves. Jay moved to the secondary location and got seated. He was feeling eager all of a sudden, so he started rolling his pant leg up. Seriously, should have kept the shorts. Garcia reappeared with a tray full of equipment. He placed them on a side table and took a seat in front of Jay. Jay removed the sock and tossed it to his wheelchair. Garcia chuckled. “Well, someone’s excited. No reason to waste any time then. Here, you can go ahead and place this stump liner on,” he said and offered Jay the said liner. “Just be sure that you roll it on slow enough or you’ll trap air inside it. Those can screw with the measurements.” Jay took an extra minute and carefully turned the liner inside out. He then lined it against the base of his stump. (Look at that, he didn’t freak out at the sight of the leg today!) He then started rolling the liner over his stump, making sure that no air got trapped. Once it was completely in place, he looked at Garcia. He received an approving nod. Garcia put on some gloves and picked up a roll of cling wrap. “This is just to protect the liner, and it makes it easier to remove the fiberglass wrap,” he explained as he started applying a thin layer of cling wrap over the liner. He then fetched a permanent marker. He pressed his fingers against Jay’s stump on multiple areas and marked down locations where bone was more prominent. Such as the kneecap. Once he seemed satisfied enough he put the pen away. “You doing alright there Jay?” Garcia asked before proceeding. Jay was, to his surprise, doing okay. He nodded and gave a little thumbs up. Garcia stood up and grabbed a bucket filled with lukewarm water. He then picked up a packet of gauze. “This is the fiberglass wrapping. This is what creates us a base for the socket,” Garcia explained as he ducked the wrap in water. He let it soak for a bit before retrieving it. He shook most of the water from it and approached Jay again. After getting approval from Jay, he started wrapping Jay’s stump with it. It didn’t take long. “We’ll just let it dry for a bit and then it should just slide right off. Cling wrap does miracles in modern medicine, huh?” he smiled at Jay. Once it had dried enough, Garcia gently grabbed the top of the now almost solid wrap and tugged. And just like promised, it slid off with ease. Garcia held it in front of Jay to let the man check it out. “What I’ll do later today is I’ll use our 3D imaging system to create a digital 3D model of this mold here. The model can then be sent to our carving specialists who use machines to create a foam mold. That mold is then covered with heated plastic. The plastic stretches on top of the mold, creating the socket that you’ll eventually get to test out. But tomorrow, I think we need to start looking at our different models before we can even begin to consider the socket fitting process.” Garcia repeated the information that he had already told Jay earlier. Jay didn’t mind though. He nodded in understanding. “I’m actually going to give you a little homework. I looked at your file, and saw that your funding should be approved in a couple of days. That means you need to start thinking about what you want from your prosthesis. Do you want just one, or maybe two different ones. If you’re an active person in general then you might need what we call a running blade. There are many things to consider. I’ll give you some informational pamphlets on some of our more popular options. You’re encouraged to do some research on your own too. Think about your future goals. What sort of life do you want to live, and what your prosthesis is expected to do in order for you to achieve those goals. Okay, Jay?” Garcia finished. Jay nodded absentmindedly. He hadn’t really considered the fact that there was more than one option to choose from. He had no clue what he wanted from his future, but apparently he needed to figure it out by tomorrow. Garcia handed him a stack of pamphlets and asked if Jay needed help making it back to his room. Jay shook his head no. He would manage. Matthews had taken his crutches and the pain management file back to his room, so he didn’t have to worry about those. Garcia suggested that the two meet again tomorrow at 10am and Jay agreed eagerly. Garcia accompanied him to the door and once Jay was out of his eyesight, he returned to his lab. 

Chapter Text

Where the hell was he? Voight had found Jay’s hospital room with little issues as he had pretty solid instructions from Kevin and Kim. But there he was, looking through the small plastic window of the door, and was met with an empty room. Halstead was nowhere to be found. He’d stopped the first nurse he saw and asked about his whereabouts. But, as the nurse had told him, Voight wasn’t listed as Jay’s next of kin, and since Jay wasn’t part of any ongoing police investigation, Voight didn’t manage to get the information by flashing his badge either. He tried calling him of course, but heard the phone buzzing from inside the room. Just as he was about to call Atwater, a voice called out. “Hank? What are you doing here?” It was Jay. Voight turned toward the voice and saw Jay approaching him. He had a stack of papers on his lap. “Came to see you. As I’m sure you were told,” he grumbled as Jay got closer. Jay nodded at that. Right. He did remember now. “Well, come on in,” Jay said as he opened the door to his room. Voight entered and let the door open. 

Jay found his new folder on the corner of his bed. He quickly wheeled over and slid all the pamphlets into it. Not quite fast enough, as Voight was now looking over his shoulder with a questioning look. “Oh. Just some information about stuff, nothing important,” Jay said as he closed the folder and slid it under his duvet. “I need to know these things if you’re going to be staying with me,” Voight replied. Sorry, what? “What do you mean stay with you?” Jay asked with disbelief. This was some sort of trick. Clearly. “You need a place when they kick you out of here. I sure as hell ain’t letting you back into the apartment that belongs to a criminal,” Voight told. Jay turned his chair 180 degrees. “And I’m supposed to come with you?” Jay couldn’t believe it. “Yes. That’s already been settled. Now, show me the folder. Please,” Voight added at the last moment. Jay looked at him with an uncertain expression until he eventually caved under Voight’s stare. He grabbed the folder from its hiding place and gave it to Voight. Voight walked to the armchair and sat down. He opened the folder and started reading it. “Sure Hank, go ahead and make yourself at home,” Jay mumbled. He pushed his chair into a corner where the crutches were leaning against the walls. He locked the wheels and stood up. He grabbed a pair of crutches and made his way toward one of the chairs located close to the armchair. Before sitting down, he grabbed a bag of chips from Kevin’s bed. He took a seat and opened the bag. He ate in silence as he waited for Hank. The older man kept his face mostly neutral as he read. Some of the contents were some medical jargon that he didn’t quite understand. Maybe he’d ask Jay to explain later. He studied the images of different stretches. Maybe doing them with Jay would encourage Jay to do them as well. Hell, Halstead would probably pay him to do some of the moves. He smiled at the idea. Justin would have done the same thing. He finished with the papers and reached for the pamphlets. The first one was about group meetings for amputees. Not exactly for Hank, so he placed it back into the folder pretty quickly. The rest of the pamphlets, about six or seven of them, were about different models of prosthetic legs. Hank held them in his hands and looked at Jay. “Anything you want to tell?” he asked. Jay lowered his head, embarrassed all of a sudden. He couldn’t understand why. “Umm. Just some homework from one of my docs,” he said quietly. Hank kept staring at him though, maybe sensing that there was more Jay could have said. “I have an appointment with Doctor Garcia tomorrow. He’s helping me with the prosthetics now that my financial situation has apparently been cleared,” Jay continued. “Did you do something about that?” Hank shrugged his shoulders. “I might have. But it was all Trudy. I don’t know who she called but she has everything in order. You’re entitled to both financial and medical aid, as well as assistance with living accommodations once you feel fit enough to start looking for a place of your own. I think Trudy even contacted an organization that trains service dogs for veterans.” Voight explained with that smug voice of his. Jay looked at him in awe. He definitely didn’t want a dog though. “Yes to everything except the dog. I can’t have a dog,” Jay hurried to say. “Why not? I got the impression that they’re smart little creatures,” Voight asked. Jay just… he couldn’t. “I just don’t think I'd be a good fit.  That’s all,” Jay deflected. Voight let it drop for now. “You do need to have a meeting with someone from the office, Trudy is handling that so I don’t know if she already booked one. She’s coming with you of course,” Voight continued. “Is that why you didn’t get one sooner, money?” Jay sighed. It was the easy answer, yes, but it wasn’t the complete one. Maybe eventually he’d explain. “That was the biggest reason, yeah. It’s just a lot, the whole process. It wasn’t the best time,” Jay settled on saying. Voight luckily accepted it as an answer. “Have you checked these out yet?” he waved the pamphlets in his hands. “Not really. Considering I got here at the same time as you,” Jay said dryly. There was no heat in his words. “Maybe we can work on this together?” Voight suggested. Jay thought about it. He didn’t see why not. “Sure. I’d like that, actually.” 

Robocop. If Jay returned to the force then he’d be Robocop, Hank thought to himself as he read through the informational material on the different leg models. Inspired by Trudy, Hank had whipped out his small notebook and scribbled down short notes in crow legged letters as he and Jay worked out the pros and cons of each model. “I still think that if you have the funds for two legs that you should go for it. You may not need them both immediately but you never know,” the older man suggested once they had gone through all the pamphlets. Jay was impartial about the idea but decided to say yes. Mostly to please Hank, and mostly because he was right. If he had the funds then why not. It would get him closer to normal life. He tried to remember the last time he’d been on a run. Sometime in Bolivia. Probably on the day he was captured. Felt like a lifetime ago. “Okay, add the running blade to the list then. The one with the C-shape. It was the one meant for like jogging and stuff, right?” Jay confirmed. Hank nodded and wrote down ‘C-blade’. “And the main one? Any stand out from the bunch?” Hank asked. He personally found the model called ElanIC the most intriguing but he didn’t tell him that. This was Jay’s decision. Jay flipped through the pamphlets and held out one. “I guess this one? Might as well go all in, right?” he said and presented Hank with the pamphlet for ElanIC. Hank smiled and nodded. Good man. He wrote it down in his notebook. “And a backup option? Just in case,” Hank asked, holding the pen against the paper. “Not really sure. I really liked the Elan one. I’ll think about it if I can’t get that one?” Jay suggested. Fair enough for Hank. Hank gathered up the pamphlets and placed them back into the folder. He carried the folder to Jay’s nightstand. He noticed Makayla’s card on it but didn’t touch it. 

“Listen, kid. I know we have some unfinished business that needs tending. So. We’ll talk. I’ll listen. You’re going to explain everything. But we don’t need to do that tonight, okay?” Hank said as he stood in front of Jay. “Right now, you focus on the prosthetic leg stuff. And once you're up and walking, we’ll talk. Alright?” Jay nodded. “Deal.” Jay promised. “I can tell you something now, if you want,” he added quietly. Hank had his hands in the pockets of his jeans, thumbs poking out. Jay gestured that he take a seat. He did. “I don’t know if you ever, umm, blamed yourself for what happened, how things ended between us. But I never blamed you,” Jay started. Okay. Not where Hank thought this was going. “The army had tried to get me back for years at that point. After Mouse left, I almost left too. I wasn’t in a headspace to go anywhere though, so I didn’t. Took me a few years to get there but it was my decision. You didn’t push me to leave.” Both sat in silence after that. “I don’t think I ever thought it was my fault.” Hank eventually said. “If you meant losing your leg.” Jay nodded. “It was my fault anyway, so you would have blamed yourself for nothing.” Hank grunted. “I thought it was the sons of bitches that grabbed you?” Jay chuckled awkwardly. “I mean. Yeah. I guess. But I wanted to go to Bolivia. I volunteered for the mission. It didn’t need to be me,” Jay revealed. He hadn’t told that to anyone yet. Jay waited for Hank’s reaction. His expression remained neutral. “Tell me about it?” Hank eventually asked. He thought back to that one case where Jay had been working undercover and he ended up being abducted from the airport. He still had nightmares about the videotape that they had sent. Jay had been so strong back then. Kept his mouth shut. It was all Voight’s fault. He wondered if this time Jay had stayed strong too. “There’s not much to say if I’m being honest. You’d have to check my file for most of it. I umm. Don’t remember much,” Jay eventually said. Apart from the glimpses I see in my dreams sometimes. Or when someone puffs cigarette smoke at my face, or… Yeah. “Do you have it here then?” Voight asked. “My medical file?” Jay said, and got a nod from the older man. Hell. Jay did have a copy of his file. For insurance. That he never ended up using. He hadn’t read it yet. While he had a general idea of what had happened in Bolivia, he wasn’t sure he wanted or needed to know the details. But apparently the file was extensively written with photographs included. So yeah, he hadn’t taken a look yet. “I can give it to you once you leave. On two conditions. You don’t copy anything that’s in it. And you don’t show it to anyone else. And three I guess, you bring it back the next time you visit,” Jay listed. Hank had no problem complying. “Alright, I’ll bring it back tomorrow. When’s your appointment?” he inquired. “10. Probably going to take a while. I hope that Garcia has the socket finished. I’m actually kind of really excited about it,” Jay said with a shy smile. Hank hummed. “Good that you are. Here, take my notes,” he said and ripped the page off the notebook. Jay accepted it with a quick nod of his head. “I can stop by at three, bring Trudy with me,” Hank suggested. Jay figured that five hours would be more than he needed with Garcia tomorrow. That would give him time to have lunch and maybe rest before their visit. “Three sounds good. It’s a date,” Jay smiled. 

It wasn’t exactly close to the end of visiting hours, but Jay didn’t want to keep Hank. Plus he was getting kind of tired. “Let me get my file for you,” he said as a cue for Hank to get ready to leave. Hank stood up immediately. Maybe he wanted to leave too but didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. Fair. Jay went to his closet and looked around for a bit. He located the file, and grabbed it. He held it carefully between a couple of his fingers and walked back to Hank. He held onto it for a moment. “Please respect my wishes. Don’t show it to anyone else,” Jay repeated in a serious manner and finally offered the file to Hank. Hank took it and slowly nodded his head. “You have my word, kid.” Hank started making his way to the door but stopped a few steps before exiting. “I think you should check your phone. Upton texted you earlier and she was almost climbing the precinct walls, and that was hours ago.” Jay turned to look at his phone. It rested innocently on his nightstand. When he turned to look at Voight, the other man had already left. Alright then. 

— — 

Hailey was making dinner in the kitchen. She had opened some old playlist of hers, and it was playing tunes from a few years ago. She sang along occasionally, mumbling the words and whistled along. Once a month, she and Jay used to find one night where they’d cook a homemade meal together, enjoy a glass of wine and dance together in the darkly lit living room. It was more like swaying from side to side, like Prom Night. She didn’t dance anymore. She rarely had the time to cook proper meals. She did drink wine though. But today she had made the decision to cook something actual that didn’t come from a can. Her quiet plans were interrupted by a chime from her phone. She left the bubbling sauce unattended and went to her phone. From Halstead. Hailey sighed. So now he had the time to message her… She opened it nonetheless. ‘thanks. will talk to Hank. maybe monday. will be in contact.’ Short and simple. So very Jay. She smiled for a moment until she caught herself. No. She was done with him. She sent a simple ok as a reply and went back to her cooking. She didn’t sing the lyrics anymore. 

— — 

“How do you think it went between Halstead and Voight?” Adam asked his fiancée while they folded some laundry together. Sheets and towels -day. “I hope it went well. Voight can be a bit of a bully sometimes,” Kim said with worry. Adam couldn’t disagree there. “I think Trudy bullied him into being nice. Plus we all know that Jay is special in his eyes,” Adam responded with a smirk. It was no secret, the whole 21st knew that Halstead was Voight’s golden boy. Adam wasn’t salty about it though. While he admired Voight in many ways, he wouldn’t have thrived from his extra attention. And evidently, Jay hadn’t either. “I was thinking we could video call him one day. With Makayla,” Kim suggested as she picked up another unfolded sheet and gave two ends of it to Adam. “Oh they both would love that. Should we wait until he’s home from the hospital though, with Voight,” Adam pondered with a smile. Jay and Makayla, those two could really kick up a real storm together. They never had enough time together. Even before Bolivia. Bolivia, Bolivia, Bolivia. Everything seemed divided into Before Bolivia and After Bolivia. Adam decided then and there that he would never visit the country. “I mean we can text and ask. But maybe after he’s home with Voight. Jay probably needs time for himself. Being in contact with all of us must be overwhelming on top of everything else he’s going through,” Kim said and took the folded sheet from Adam. She placed it into the linen closet. Two more left. “I almost texted him earlier. Voight I mean. But I chickened out. I haven’t really texted him that often. How does he even seem on text?” Kim asked. Adam chuckled. “I bet he writes down his growls and grumbles too. I haven’t texted him that often either. Jay probably knows though. We can text him later if he’s still up.” “And ask him what? ‘Hey Jay, could you send us a screenshot of your and Voight’s texts? Does he growl?’ You’re going to have to be the one to send that one,” Kim said with a laugh. Adam laughed with her. “Don’t mock me! It’s a good idea. Maybe I won’t ask about that over text, I’ll save it for our next visit.” “No, you won’t bring that up!” Kim exclaimed. She would have smacked him but they were still not finished with the sheet. “I hate you, you know that right?” Kim said instead. “I love you too, Kim Burgess.” 

— — 

Voight stood alone in his spare room. He didn’t like calling it that. It used to be Justin’s. He wanted to call it Justin’s room, but people would look at him funny if he did. So he called it a spare or a guest room. He needed to make some adjustments if he wanted Jay to be able to stay here. He’d probably need to get rid of some of the furniture too. It had been years since most of them had been in use anyway. Only the essentials should do. A bed and a nightstand, two closets. A couch and the wall mounted tv. He was glad that he hadn’t sold Justin’s old Xbox. Oh, apparently the bookshelf should stay too. That left the desk, office chair and beanbag. And the mirror. He’d work on removing those tomorrow. He didn’t have a storage unit, and he didn’t want to stuff them in his other rooms either. He could call Trudy, she always knew what to do. Or actually, he should call Halstead. That man had a guy for everything. When Erin had moved to a new place, she’d gone straight to him. Voight wasn’t jealous though, not then. He was just glad that someone had been looking out for her. It was an unfortunate coincidence that Halstead had also been looking to get into her pants… Whatever. It was over ages ago, and it wasn’t his business anyway. He would call Halstead tomorrow. Texting really isn’t his thing. 

Hank opened the television and muted it. He then picked up his phone to call Trudy. She answered after two beeps. “How was it?” she asked without even greeting him. “It went fine. No fighting or yelling. Like I said,” Hank replied with a huff. Trudy worried too much. “You got your calendar? We’re meeting Jay at three tomorrow,” he told her and could hear her scrambling around. “Three pm at Med. Got it. You’ll drive,” Trudy wrote down. “What did the two of you talk about?” Trudy then asked. Hank recalled the day with short sentences. “Thought he’d taken off. Wasn’t in his room when I got there. Turns out his appointment ran long. Nothing wrong though. He’s getting fitted for a prosthetic soon. I think. He’ll probably ask about the financial aid.” “Anything else?” Hank considered it. “Nothing worth repeating. I’ll pick you up at 2.30. Night.” Voight didn’t wait for her to answer, and ended the call. He checked the clock. Not late enough for bed. He stood up and looked around the living room. It could also use some adjusting. Nothing needed to be removed, but he needed to make enough room for Jay’s wheelchair. Hank got to work. He moved the furniture around, testing a couple of different layouts before he found one he liked. Living room, done. The bathroom should be good to go, and you couldn’t really move anything around there even if you needed to. Voight’s bedroom and office were fine too, Jay didn’t need those. He could pile up the unused kitchen chairs. He didn’t need all four, only two. One for him, one in case Jay wasn’t always using his wheelchair. The way things were headed, Jay probably wouldn’t use it as often in the future anymore. Hank moved the kitchen table so that it was touching a wall instead of being in the middle. He left two stairs around and moved the other two into the corner. Hank decided to leave it at that. Anything else could be adjusted when Jay was here. 

He then went back to the living room. Jay’s medical file was waiting on the side table. Forgotten. For a split second he didn’t want to read it. Something about the way Jay had been acting when he asked for the file rubbed him the wrong way. But the detective in him couldn’t resist. He took the file and sat down on the couch. ‘Jason Halstead’ read on the cover. Hank flipped the first page open. A short table of contents. Hank quickly figured out that Jay had requested this copy for his insurance. Doesn’t seem like he ever sent it forward. Hank studied the contents list and flipped to a page that was supposed to simply list his injuries he had suffered in Bolivia, and up until the moment he was discharged from Med for the first time. Hank read slowly.

‘The patient in question has suffered multiple injuries of different severity. Signs of physical torture. Third and fourth degree burns on left leg, all the way from toes to hip. Leftover tar-like substance removed from skin. Pieces of melted fabric stuck in the burned flesh of the leg. Compound fractures on left tibia and fibula. Extreme irritation around the sites where bone has broken through the skin. Residue samples of ash, spit and dirt retrieved from inside the wounds. Bones on the left foot and toes badly fractured, ankle dislocated with severe tissue and ligament damage. Damage may be irreversible. Signs of cigarette burns on left leg. Evidence of mild acid poured into wounds. Clear signs of infection and swelling. Plausible sepsis. Third degree burns on left palm and fingers. Potential permanent nerve damage. Signs of whipping on the back, no severe long lasting damage. Shallow cuts on both arms, likely from a small kitchen knife. Most require no stitches. Bruises and contusions on arms, back, stomach, legs. Three fractured ribs. High risk of blood clots. Signs of recent pulmonary embolism, confirmed by Doctor Powell at Chicago Med. One clot removed from left leg. One dissolved with blood thinners. Fractured right eye socket. Signs of a grade 3 concussion. Brain scans returned clear. Severe dehydration and fatigue, at risk potential kidney damage. Signs of sleep deprivation and malnutrition. Irritated skin around both wrists, likely from rusty metal chains. No spinal injury. No evidence of severe physiological torture or other assault.’ Hank closed the file.

Hank wondered if Jay knew the names of his captors. Or if they were still alive. He’d find out. Probably not from Jay himself. But he had his ways. He glanced at the file on his lap. According to the table of contents, the file also included well documented images of each injury. He had a strong stomach, and a mind too curious for his own good sometimes. He flipped the file open once more. He turned to the correct page and stared. It was… one of the worst things he’d ever seen. He’d been a cop for many years now. Worked dozens, hundreds of violent cases, each worse than the last. But this? It was his Jay. He flipped the pages and looked at some of the images. Those bastards. He’ll kill every single one of them. Unless someone else already had that pleasure. He’d send those people flowers and a box of chocolates. He closed the file for the final time and placed it on the table. He didn’t want to read any more. 

Voight didn’t rush with his routine of getting ready for bed. He managed a light snack, washed the dishes right away instead of leaving them in the sink. He watched the sports recap, and the first period of an NHL game. He then showered. Almost scrubbed his skin raw. He needed to feel clean after reading Jay’s file. He eventually finished, and changed into pajama pants and an old police academy t-shirt. Brushed his teeth. Got into bed. Scrolled social media but didn’t post or interact. Didn’t need an alarm for the morning. He was old enough that he couldn’t sleep past eight even if he tried. 

Chapter Text

Jay was waiting in front of Doctor Garcia’s lab with five minutes to spare. He’d woken up stupid early with ample energy. He was anxious but in a good way. He felt bouncy. His nerves tingled. He had taken a quick shower just to waste time. He thanked the nurse who had reluctantly agreed to babysit him. Wiser from yesterday, he wore his shorts today. He briefly spoke with Doctor Powell during rounds. He even hinted at Jay that his IV might be removed later that day. Saturdays were rarely bad days, and this one didn’t seem to be one either. 

Doctor Garcia was late. Only by a few minutes, but to Jay they felt like hours. “This is why I love my job. My patients are actually happy to see me! Good morning, Jay,” Garcia greeted as he approached the awaiting man. Jay gave him a wide smile. “Morning! I just didn’t want to be late,” Jay said with a chuckle. Garcia unlocked the door and held it open for Jay. “Well, I am happy to report that your ability to arrive on time is noted, and appreciated. You can go ahead and wait for me at the sitting area and I’ll join you shortly. Coffee?” Garcia spoke. Jay nodded as he wheeled past Garcia towards the seats. Jay was feeling a little extra today, and decided to sit on one of the chairs instead of his wheelchair. Or maybe he just craved normalness. What even is normal anymore. He didn’t have to wait for long, Garcia joined him with two steaming mugs of coffee. Jay took one of them. “It’s nice to see you doing well. Your case file passed my desk a few weeks ago. I kept meaning to visit you then but somehow it slipped my mind. It weighed me until today. You are clearly heading towards the right path,” Garcia said with a gentle smile. “I probably would have kicked you out of my room if you had visited. So it was probably for the better that you didn’t. But I’m trying to believe that a lot has changed since then, I’m trying to change,” Jay responded and took a sip of the coffee. Oh, hell yes. Why can’t I get this stuff in the mornings? Garcia smiled. “Noted. Well, let’s get into it then. We were able to finish your initial socket yesterday. But I want to emphasize that this won’t be a permanent one. You still lack muscle strength. Once you recover more and build up some mass and gain some muscle weight we need to take your measurements again and create a new socket. I see the face you’re making right now. This is a normal part of the process. Getting the final product, the final socket, takes time. And as you age and your body changes, you will need to get fitted for new sockets. That’s why you’ve been working closely with a nutritionist. It’s important from day one that you become more aware of your body. If you gain excessive amounts of weight, your stump will grow due to fat. But if you lose weight then your stump will no longer fit snugly into your socket,” Garcia explained calmly. “This current socket that we have? It will work for now. It will get you started, and in a couple of months you might very well be ready for a more permanent solution.” Jay considered Garcia’s words. He already knew that getting a socket made didn’t mean anything. It was just one thing on a long list of things that all needed to be checked before he’d get his new leg. “Understood, doc. I’ll try and keep my expectations more realistic. It’s just hard, especially now,” Jay said with a sigh. Garcia leaned forward. “Oh yeah? You know, I took some extra psychology classes during med school. If you want to talk then I am at least a little qualified,” he joked. “Oh. I mean, I recently caught up with my old team. Found out that my financial and medical aid applications are basically a done deal. I thought I was homeless but apparently not, I mean do I need to go on?” Jay listed some of the things that had happened since Wednesday. Garcia let out a whistle. “Damn. Forgive my language. That is a lot. On top of your already existing situations. Well, hopefully having this journey towards getting a prosthesis will bring you some stability and something to look forward to. This isn’t going anywhere. You will have a leg again, Jay.” Jay wiped the corners of his eyes. “Thanks, doc. I could use some stability in my life, that’s for sure.”

The pair finished their coffees while they talked about more casual topics. Once both mugs were empty, Garcia carried them to the open break area. He returned with a tablet. “So. I recall giving you some homework last night. Did you have time to read through everything?” Jay took Voight’s note from his hoodie pocket. “I did. A friend dropped by and we made a short list together,” Jay said and unfolded the paper. He straightened it and handed it to Garcia. Garcia smiled with his teeth. “Wow, this is impressive. Not the notes, but this horrifying handwriting! Is this yours?” Jay let out a small laugh. “No. That’s all my friend’s. My old boss in fact.” Garcia chuckled and handed the note back to Jay. “Well, I can’t read this and that’s saying something. Why don’t you tell me?” Jay took the note and nodded. “Sure. Umm. Hank, my friend, suggested that I list my top three most important requirements or preferences. I settled on high performance, versatility and waterproofness. It rains a lot in Chicago. I added long battery life as a bonus since all of the options didn’t have a battery.” Jay started. Garcia wrote down some notes of his own and nodded for Jay to continue. “I also think I want to get two different prosthetics. A running blade and then a ‘regular’ one. I used to be active thanks to my work and I liked exercise and I think having a running blade could motivate me to get myself back in proper form.” More notes for Garcia. “I found two that I think could be a good fit for me. Once I’m better I mean,” Jay hurried to add. Garcia nodded. “That’s the end goal, yes. It’s good that you considered yourself in the future and not the present. Current you might not need a running blade but future you will like it, I’m sure. Which two did you choose?” Jay checked the note. He felt a little nervous. “Go on, it’s okay,” Garcia encouraged. “Umm. They’re from the same manufacturer I think. For the running blade I chose the C-shape. The manufacturer had a model called BladeXT. It seemed pretty solid. And then the other. My friend encouraged me to choose this. Umm, I hope it’s not overkill. It’s ElanIC. From the same manufacturer.” Jay felt like he was a kid giving a presentation in front of the whole class. Garcia wrote down a couple more notes. “You have expensive taste, Jay. If you were someone else, I might gently suggest you consider some other options. But. You have some significant financial resources at your disposal. I think you have made the right choice. If you think you are certain with your choices, I can go ahead and contact the manufacturer on your behalf. Get things rolling. How does that sound?” Garcia spoke. Jay’s heart pounded against his ribs. This was it. Things were actually moving along. “I’m sure. If you agree that they’re potential matches for me then let’s do it,” Jay managed to say. He felt, god, what didn’t he feel. Garcia smiled and grabbed his tablet. “Wait - you’re doing it now?” Jay asked in awe. “Yes, unless you changed your mind,” Garcia replied. “No! No, go ahead. I’m just surprised,” Jay was quick to answer. Garcia shook his head with a smile. He opened the manufacturer’s website and opened a form. He filled the empty information boxes. “What’s your shoe size?” he asked Jay. He typed down the other man’s answer. He filled out the rest of the information and sent the form. “Depending on how many other inquiries they have pending, we might need to wait from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. But we don’t have to wait that long if we want to continue the process. Do you want to see your temporary socket?” Garcia asked and wasn’t surprised when a wide smile spread on Jay’s face. “That’d be awesome.”

Jay was now seated on an exam table of sorts. He waited impatiently as Garcia was retrieving the freshly made socket. Finally Garcia reappeared from between the shelves. On his hands, a clear plastic socket. He also had a liner with him. “Here, this is for you. Remember what I said yesterday. Place it slowly or you’ll trap air.” Jay resisted the urge to just tug the liner over his stump. Once he was satisfied enough he looked at Garcia. “This is just for your entertainment basically. The socket isn’t attached to a temporary prosthesis at the moment so you can’t really do much with it. Our other workers don’t usually do weekends, so you’ll have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to try standing on it.” Jay’s breathing hitched. “Re-really?” his voice shook like a leaf in a hurricane. Garcia laughed softly. “Yes, really. We tried to surprise you today, but unfortunately we weren’t able to attach the final adapters together. But how about you try the socket, just for fun?” Jay nodded and took the socket when Garcia offered it. “Let me fetch something and I’ll be right back.” Garcia’s pace was too slow to Jay’s liking. The man returned shortly with a stool and a different sort of liner. “You can use this stool for now, we can pretend it’s your prosthesis. I can lower it significantly so that you can comfortably place your stump on it as if you were standing. But first we need to place this sleeve on the socket. I’ll do it for you this time but follow closely.” Garcia sat down and took the socket from Jay. He then stretched the sleeve until it fitted around the socket’s opening. He pulled it down slightly so that the edge of the sleeve was about two inches lower than the rim of the socket. He then rolled the rest of it down. “Okay, something like this. It’s a bit awkward with just the socket but you should get the general idea. Now, I’ll hold the socket for you and you can gently place your stump inside. Don’t force it through. If it doesn’t fit then it doesn’t and we’ll adjust,” Garcia instructed. He had Jay stand up and adjusted the stool’s level. He lowered it until Jay’s stump was barely touching it. He then asked Jay to move a bit as he placed the socket on the stool. He locked the stool’s wheels and instructed Jay to place his limb into the socket. The limb slid inside without any resistance. “Normally you would be seated for this so this is an exception. Now, lean forward a little bit. This’ll create a slight seal,” Garcia said and tightened his hold on the socket as Jay adjusted himself. “That’s enough. Now, sit back down so we can roll up the sleeve.” Jay took a seat and looked at the socket that was now on his leg. It wasn’t much but Jay couldn’t stop smiling. “This is usually the last step in putting on a prosthesis. You simply need to roll up the sleeve all the way. I’ll let you do it yourself.” Jay started rolling the sleeve over the socket, over his stump and all the way up to his upper thigh. Garcia gave him an approving nod. “The sleeve is the final piece that holds the prosthetic in place. Some models might have slightly different designs but this is the basic idea. You can go ahead and stand now if you’re ready,” Garcia finished with a smile. The look on Jay’s face was priceless. For the first time in months, he felt hopeful. After a couple of steadying breaths Jay stood up. 

It felt… odd. Unfamiliar. Not uncomfortable though. Just a sensation that Jay wasn’t used to just yet.  He leaned to his left a tiny bit, testing how it felt if he put more of his weight on his left leg. The socket felt surprisingly comfortable. It wasn’t a perfect fit but it was way better than he would have guessed. “How is it? Normally you’d get to walk around with it. Crouch, lunge around, stand on your toes, run, anything.” Garcia explained. Jay barely heard him. He was standing. With his stump in a socket. He had a socket! “Huh? Oh, sorry. It’s pretty good actually. A little tight on this side and it feels so stiff,” Jay answered when he’d found his voice. “The stiffness is intentional. It provides support, but I understand it’s a new sensation. I’ll note down that it feels tight on the side but we really can’t start making any adjustments until we get the socket attached. You want to keep standing for a while longer?” Garcia asked and Jay was quick to nod yes. “Could you maybe take a picture for me. I didn’t think to bring my own phone with me,” Jay asked shyly. Garcia gave him a smile. “Of course, my pleasure. It can be motivating to record your journey to see how much progress you’ve made,” Garcia said as he took two pictures of him. “I can print these out for you too if you want. And I’ll email them to you as well.” “A copy would be nice, yeah. Thanks, doc.” Jay stood for a couple more minutes until he had to sit down. Garcia explained to him the steps of removing the sleeve and socket, and Jay carefully followed the instructions. “I'm afraid that's about all we can do today. I think I can schedule you in for Tuesday morning. Is 8 am okay with you?” Garcia asked as he placed the liner and sleeve inside the socket. Jay managed to control his disappointment, he didn’t want to wait that long. “Sounds great. Will I get to walk then?” he asked hopefully. Garcia nodded. “I have complete faith in everything included in the matter. You will walk on Tuesday, Mr. Halstead.”

— — 

Trudy Platt straightened her jacket. Voight was supposed to be here any minute. “You look gorgeous,” Mouch said to her as he passed her in the hall. Trudy gave him a soft smile. “Not worried that I’m trying to charm Hank?” Trudy teased. Mouch let out a comically loud laugh. “He wouldn’t dare to try anything.” Trudy smiled at that and then she heard Voight’s car pulling up. “It’ll be close to dinner when I’m back,” she shouted over her shoulder as she left the house and walked to her friend’s car. She got in and greeted him. Hank gave her a short hello, and joined into the traffic. 

“You hear from him today?” she asked after they had been driving for a while. He shook his head. “No. Probably busy with the leg doc,” he guessed. “He’s almost as bad at texting as you. I wonder whose fault that is,” Trudy said. Hank grunted but couldn’t help a smile. “Let’s just get there,” he responded and raised the volume on the radio. 

The streets were more crowded than usual, and they ended up being ten minutes late. “He probably doesn’t even realize we were late. So don’t apologize for it unless he says something,” Hank ordered as he was finished with parking. Trudy looked at her with a raised brow. “Oh yeah? Isn’t that thoughtful if you. You’ve gotten soft in your old days. But this is Jay we’re talking about so I’m not surprised.” “Get out of the car, Trudy.” She laughed at Hank’s tone. She did exit eventually. He started leading them inside and to Jay’s room. Trudy followed a few steps behind. She had been fortunate enough to not have spent that much time at Med so she was reliant on Hank’s navigation skills. At least he had been to Jay’s room so he should find it easily. In theory at least. As they stood in the elevator, Trudy straightened her jacket one more time. “He doesn’t care how you look,” Voight found it amusing though. Trudy disagreed. “You just watch. I bet you 20 bucks that Jay comments about my outfit in less than two minutes of me entering the room,” Trudy challenged and shook her purse. “Fine, you’re on.”

They stood outside Jay’s room and waited. A nurse had told them to hang tight and wait while Jay was getting ready. Trudy had started worrying but Hank quickly told her off. “It’s nothing, he’s fine.” Trudy would believe it when she saw him. A couple of minutes later a voice called out from Jay’s room. “Come on in,” it was Jay. Hank grabbed the door handle and opened the door, letting Trudy enter first. Jay was sitting on the armchair with a small smile on his face. “Hi Trudy,” he greeted and Trudy approached him to give him a quick hug. Hank crossed his arms and leaned against the frame of the door. He nodded at Jay as their eyes connected. Jay seemed better than yesterday, Hank considered. He waited for Trudy to pick a seat until he sat down as well. “Thanks for coming. You umm, you didn’t have to. But I appreciate it,” Jay said to both of them. Trudy waved him off. “Of course we did. Now stop that. I got us an appointment with a social worker who handles aid package requests. Yours have been accepted already but they need to meet you in person. The earliest available time was next Thursday morning. I have it marked down on my calendar so don’t you worry about that,” Trudy explained with her factual tone. “Thanks, Trudy. I don’t know what you did or who you contacted. I can’t thank you enough,” Jay said sincerely. Again, Trudy waved her off. “It was nothing. You just have to know who to press,” she answered and winked. Hank looked amused. “Oh so I’m not allowed to go around and threaten people but it’s okay if you do it?” he asked her. Trudy raised her shoulder. “Who said anything about threatening anyone?” Jay had missed the duo’s playful banter. “Well, you owe me twenty,” Hank replied. Jay raised his brows in question. “Oh, don’t you worry Jay, you just cost her twenty bucks,” the older man said and held out a hand in front of Trudy. “I had more faith in you, Chuckles,” Trudy deadpanned as she reluctantly handed Hank the money. Jay’s face fell even though he didn’t understand what was going on. Clearly, he’d let her down. “Oh, umm. I’m sorry Trudy. It won’t happen again,” he apologized quietly and reached into his pant pocket. One of the sea glass shards was in there, and Jay took it out and started fiddling around with it using his left hand. Trudy glimpsed at Hank. Was he seriously genuinely sorry about the stupid bet? Oh Jay. Hank cleared his throat to get Jay’s attention. The kid raised his gaze from his lap and looked at him, barely. His eyes seemed teary. “No one is actually disappointed with you. You get that, right?” He watched Jay’s reaction to his words. He still seemed doubtful, so Hank turned to look at Trudy. “What he said, Halstead. It was just a game, nothing more,” Trudy said. Jay huffed at that. “A game at… my expense?” he couldn’t help but ask. ”No, kid. Nothing like that. I was giving her shit about trying to look perfect for you. She fixed her hair and straightened her jacket half a dozen times in the elevator, and I said that you wouldn’t care what she looked like,” Hank explained. “And Trudy here, she bet me $20 that you would give her a compliment as soon as she walked in. Good that you didn’t. She needs an ego check here and there.” Trudy gave Hank the middle finger with a smile. 

Things settled down after that. Trudy supplied most of the conversation topics and was in the spotlight for the most time while the men listened and joined in occasionally. Jay really enjoyed it. When it was just one person visiting him, he was expected to interact and talk a lot more. But with two people, he didn’t feel bad about not responding to everything that was said. Jay kept fiddling with the sea glass while they talked. It had become one of his favorite things to do. While some part of it was an unconscious habit he also found it to be grounding. The burned skin on his palms was smooth, and the sea glass slid across it with ease. While he couldn’t feel much with his left hand anymore, he liked to imagine that the sea glass was like a cube of ice that soothed his pains and aches. Not that there were that many aches in his left hand as, you know, he barely felt anything at all with it. He turned his attention back to the two sergeants. Both were staring at him with a curious look. “What’s that you got over there?” Right. She hadn’t seen them yet, the two pieces that Makayla had given him. He let the shard slide to the middle of his palm and held it out for Trudy to take. Right as she was about to grab it, she must have noticed Jay’s burns. Her hand froze. She didn’t mean for it to happen. Jay pulled his hand back like she’d given him an electric shock. Hank hadn’t seen Jay’s hand as he was sitting slightly further away. But he noted how it was Jay’s left. Words from Jay’s medical file flashed through his head. Third degree burns. Permanent nerve damage. “Here, kid. I’ll take a look,” Hank said with a steady voice and leaned closer. Jay’s left hand was a tight fist but he eventually reached for Hank’s hand. Jay turned his hand. Palm up, palm down. And up again. He slowly uncurled his fingers and held the shard on his open palm just in front of Hank’s hand. Hank didn’t miss the webbed burn either but he managed to keep his cool. He gently picked up the orange piece of glass. It wasn’t much in Hank’s eyes but it meant a lot to Jay. “Pretty. Kim’s kid give this to you?” he guessed. Kim always had her pockets stuffed with trinkets from the beach. Makayla loved to treasure hunt. Jay nodded. “Yeah. Umm. I think the color is intentional too. It’s the same as what this one organization uses. For amputees,” he added softly. That’s who he was now. Amputee Jay Halstead. Not a detective Halstead, or a ranger of the 75th Regiment. He couldn’t help but feel sadness for his lost limb. “Oh yeah? Does this organization have those little awareness ribbons too?” Hank asked as he studied the sea glass fragment. Jay nodded. “They’re the same color as that shard. I think Makayla found out about it online. That’s why she gave it to me, I think,” Jay said with a loving smile. He missed Makayla, so very much. He hoped to see her soon. “She’s got some fine detective skills already. She’d make a good cop one day. Right Trudy?” Hank attempted to pull her back into the conversation. She had stayed silent, probably embarrassed of herself and being so shocked about the burns. Her head snapped to Hank’s direction. “Oh. Oh yes. A fine officer,” she hurried to say. Hank passed her the shard. Jay’s eyes followed it with precision. Trudy studied the shard for a while before she offered it back to Jay. He hesitated for a moment. He should probably try and fix things. He took in a nervous breath. “Do you, umm, maybe want to look at it?” his voice was just a soft whisper. Trudy didn’t need to ask what he meant. The left hand, of course. She looked at Hank but he was of no use. She needed to get over it if she wanted to be there for Jay. “Yes, if you’re okay with it. And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to stare earlier. I was just, you caught me off guard I guess,” Trudy eventually said. Jay understood. It was a lot to handle, he was gone for so long and then suddenly he was back a changed man. Jay wished he had the shard to hold onto. He’d take it back after. He leaned forward, and both Trudy and Hank followed suit. He extended his left hand and kept it closed for a while. Hank gave him a small nod, and so he opened his hand. 

There were no loud gasps or anything. Trudy and Hank both just, they just looked. With neutral expressions, maybe a hint of sadness. At least no pity. Jay flexed his fingers as if to prove that he hadn’t lost much, if any mobility. “It’s fine most days. Healed and everything,” he offered when neither of his visitors spoke. Hank nodded and leaned back in his chair. He could stare at it all day, it wouldn’t change anything though. Maybe added fuel to the fire that was burning inside him. Fire of rage, for the men who had done this to him. Trudy reached out slowly, giving Jay plenty of time to pull his hand away. She gently wrapped her fingers around his palm. Jay returned the gesture and wrapped his fingers around her hand. They sat like that, hands clasped together, for a minute or two. Trudy was the one to break contact. She offered Jay the piece of sea glass and he took it eagerly. “I’m glad you two visited today,” he said with a gentle smile. 

Trudy had gone to the cafeteria to get everyone a little something. Hank was grateful, he wanted a short moment for just him and Jay. He pulled Jay’s file out of the breast pocket of his leather jacket. He gave it to Jay. “I didn’t show it to her, or anyone else.” Jay took it but placed it on his lap. “Did you read all of it?” he had to ask. Hank shook his head. “I read enough. Saw enough,” his voice was tight. Jay nodded shortly. “Could you put it in that closet for me? Anywhere is fine,” Jay asked and pointed to the closet. Hank stood and quickly placed the file inside. Trudy didn’t need to know about that. “Don’t worry, she didn’t even see that I had it with me,” Hank said just as Trudy returned. “Had what with you?” she asked as she placed down the cardboard cup holder and a bag of cinnamon rolls. “Nothing that concerns you,” Hank responded and took one of the coffees from the holder. “Please for the love of god, don’t tell me it was a porn magazine.” Jay and Hank shared a look and then erupted into laughter. Trudy’s expression was priceless.

Chapter Text

Trudy and Hank stayed for a couple of hours. Jay briefly brought up Hank’s apartment and that prompted Hank to ask him if he knew a guy who could handle the extra furniture in Justin’s room. Jay’s face lit up at that. I can still help, make a difference. A small one at least. “Sure, I have a guy. Let me get you his number… that is in my old phone. Sorry Hank,” his joy was short lived. “You got a full name? I can ask Torres or Atwater to run it, get a number for him,” Hank suggested. Jay perked up again. He told him the name and where his friend lived. Hank took out his phone and texted someone, probably Torres or Atwater. They were then interrupted by a knock on the door. “Hey doc, come on in” Jay greeted as he saw Doctor Garcia. The man in question stepped in. “Hi Jay, sorry to crash your little party here. Doctor Peter Garcia, Jay’s prosthetist. I just came by to give you the photos you requested,” Garcia said introducing himself. He approached Jay and offered him two photographs. Jay grabbed them and smiled. “Thanks, Garcia. I really appreciate it. I’ll take my own phone with me next time. Tuesday at 8, right,” Jay checked the date. “What’s on Tuesday at eight?” Trudy asked curiosity getting the better of her. Garcia looked at Jay for permission, and received it. “My star patient is getting his temporary prosthetic leg on Tuesday at 8. He’s already been fitted for his first socket earlier today. If Jay’s okay with it, one of you can join us and observe. Well, I got to get going, wife’s expecting me to fire up the grill today. It was nice meeting you,” Garcia said with a smile and waved them goodbye and left. Jay looked at the photographs. They were similar, one was taken from further back. Jay standing unassisted, socket on the residual limb, a wide smile on his face. “Do you um, you want to see?” Jay said shyly. The photos felt deeply personal, but he felt comfortable with both of them and wanted to share the experience with them. Trudy nodded instantly and wasted no time in grabbing the offered photo from Jay. A wide smile spread on her face. “Look at you, Chuckles! Like a kid in a candy store with that sweet smile of yours.” She passed the photo to Hank. He studied it with fondness. “I’m proud of you, kid,” he said with a soft voice. Jay ducked his head as his cheeks got slightly red. It felt good, having someone again. Maybe he had been an idiot before, avoiding them. Luckily it wasn’t too late to fix things. Not with Trudy and Hank  

— —

Kim watched as Adam carried Makayla on his shoulders. She was perhaps slightly too old for it, but Adam didn’t seem to mind. He knew that Makayla absolutely loved it although she’d never actually admit such things. They had just exited the movie theater, Makayla got to choose what they were watching of course. She even got a large popcorn box this time. Both Kim and Adam had given her tight hugs yesterday after they got home from visiting Jay. Makayla had the brightest smile on her face when Kim told her how much Jay had loved the card, and especially the orange piece of sea glass. They had then promised to bring Makayla to the movies the next day. So here they were, walking through the streets of Chicago. “How about we stop for pizza? Or are you two too full of popcorn?” Adam suggested when he noticed a pizzeria coming up on the street they were on. “But you’re the one who ate more popcorn than me and mom combined!” Makayla exclaimed from his shoulders. Adam faked being offended. “I don’t really want to cook dinner tonight, a pizza sounds great actually,” Kim said. Adam raised Makayla over his head - god, he needed to hit the gym if he wanted to continue doing that - and lowered her on the ground. He held the restaurant’s door open for his ladies and entered last. 

It was a quiet little place, cozy. Adam had expected a long line of waiting but they were positively surprised when they got seated immediately. Adam let Kim and Makayla select as they would be sharing a family sized pizza. Kim heard a beep from phone indicating a message. She checked it after the waiter had left. It was from Jay. ‘hi Kim, thank Makayla again for me. the orange sea glass shard means a lot. can’t wait to see her if you’re okay with that.’ This had to be one of the longest messages Jay has ever sent. ”Makayla, I just got a text from Uncle Jay. It’s for you,” she said and handed her the phone. A smile spread on her face as she read. “He got it! He got the reference! I wanted to give him a special sea glass but I didn’t know his favorite color so I googled and found something else,” she gushed with excitement. Both her parents smiled at her and shared her excitement. ”I don’t get it though. What does the last line mean?” Makayla eventually calmed down enough to ask. Oh. “Uncle Jay just worries sometimes,” Adam tried. “No he doesn’t! He’s the coolest ever,” Makayla argued. Kids, man. Too smart for their own good. Kim considered how to answer. “What Adam means is that Jay is still at the hospital. We have to wait until he’s home with Voight and then give him some time to get settled.” Makayla didn’t seem to fully believe her but didn’t argue back this time. “Well I want to see him as soon as I can,” she stated firmly. “We can ask if next weekend works for Jay. You wouldn’t settle for a brief visit after school I assume,” Adam suggested and she nodded. Makayla turned to her mom and waited. “Oh right now?” Kim asked and Makayla rolled her eyes. “Yes, now.” God, she’d be a menace as a teenager. Kim did comply with her and wrote Jay a short message and suggested a lunch date at Voight’s place next Saturday. “There, see, written and sent,” she showed Makayla the message as proof. She nodded approvingly. Adam laughed at her determination. We’re so going to be in trouble with her in a few years. 

— —  

What a day, Jay thought as he was getting ready for bed. He had so many things to look forward to. He’d get to walk on Tuesday. He still couldn’t believe it. It was astonishing how quickly things moved forward with just a little help from friends and family. Family. Jay still hadn’t contacted Will. And his brother hadn’t been in contact either. Kevin had told him that Upton had called him but he didn’t know how Will had taken the news. Jay hadn’t had the chance to ask her yet. Things were weird between them. When she had texted him about the clothes he had been surprised. Half expected them to be in a landfill somewhere. Jay hadn’t mentioned it to Voight yet. He’d need his, or someone else’s help to get to her apartment. He almost considered asking her for help. Yeah, that sounded like an interesting idea. Maybe… should he? He was drunk on the day’s good mood so he decided to go for it. He grabbed his phone and opened the contacts list. He found her number quickly and pressed call. It rang for so long that he almost hung up. But then she picked up. “Umm, hi Hailey,” it felt weird to say her name out loud again. Foreign. Unfamiliar. “What is it, Halstead?” came a reply from her. “Umm, about my clothes. Are you free tomorrow?” Silence. Jay had to check if the line was still open. “Why?” she responded. “Oh, I wanted to ask if I could come and get my stuff. Uber there. And if you’re not busy then maybe you could give me a ride to Voight’s?” Jay suggested carefully. Again, silence. “2pm, don’t be late.” The line went dead. 

That went about as well as I expected. Since Jay had his phone on him, he also called Voight. He was quick to answer. “Everything okay?” he greeted. “Hi, yeah, all good. Listen. I called Upton and I’m going to pick up my stuff from her place tomorrow. I’ll be at hers at 2pm. Will you be at your apartment if we drop by shortly after?” Jay thought he heard Voight grumble. “I’m here. She’s giving you a ride?” Voight questioned. “Yeah, I know. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow sometime after two. Bye.” Voight didn’t respond but ended the call instead. Tomorrow would be an interesting day. Dreadful even. And yet, Jay couldn’t wait. 

Chapter Text

Jay was waiting for his Uber outside Med. He’d gotten the all clear from his doctors to leave for a few hours. Earlier that day they had finally removed Jay’s IV. He was now fully free of any monitoring. He fiddled with the orange sea glass shard until his Uber pulled up. Jay was on his crutches today. He needed to start using his body more, and today was a good opportunity. He entered the Uber and after the driver confirmed where he wanted to go, they left the Med parking area. 

It was a pleasant ride over to Hailey’s. His driver was an older gentleman who was easy to chat with. When they arrived at Upton’s apartment complex, Jay promised to give the man a five star review. Jay made his way to the entrance of the building. He stared at the numbered lock system. He used to know the code. Now he didn’t. He pressed the door buzzer to Upton’s apartment and waited. Soon he heard the lock click open, and he swiftly entered. This was such a nice place. Good elevator, Jay mused as he waited. The elevator arrived and Jay let a family of four exit before he entered. He selected the correct floor and watched as the door slid shut. It didn’t take long for it to arrive at its destination. Jay exited the elevator and approached Upton’s door. He stood there for a while, just gathering his nerves before he finally knocked on the door. 

She opened the door almost instantly. Must have been waiting nearby. “Come in,” she said without greeting. She didn’t wait for him, and moved to the bedroom instead. Jay entered and closed the door behind him. He then followed her to the bedroom. “Hi,” he greeted. She just stood there with her arms crossed. “You look good,” he added. “You don’t,” her reply was cold. Ouch. “I umm, I guess I deserved that,” he said with a half a chuckle. “Don’t. Just don’t. Get your stuff so we can leave,” she said and started leaving for the living room but Jay stopped her by gently grabbing her arm. She immediately shook herself free but stayed put. “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry,” he said softly. She just scoffed. “Right. I don’t care, mean it however you want.” Alright then. Moving on. “Which one is mine?” he asked and pointed to the drawers. “The ones on the left. I haven’t touched them,” she forced through gritted teeth. She noted that Jay hadn’t brought a bag with him. “There’s large trash bags with the cleaning supplies. Help yourself,” she said and left him alone. He wanted to ask her to stay. Beg her to stay. But he didn’t. He couldn’t. He might be stupid sometimes but he wasn’t an idiot. It wasn’t his choice anymore, to ask her to stay. He went over to the little closet that still housed the cleaning supplies. At least that hadn’t changed. He grabbed a roll of trash bags and managed his way back to the shelf. He glanced around the bedroom. There were no chairs. He didn’t want to disturb Hailey any more than he already had so he didn’t ask her to bring him a chair from the kitchen. He placed one of his crutches to lean against the shelf but kept his hold on the other. He unrolled one bag from the roll and gave it a tug. He swished it around until it opened a little. He then pulled the first drawer open. Grabbed a handful of clothes and stuffed them into the bag. The little perfectionist in him cried a little. He couldn’t waste time on sorting the clothes into separate categories so he had to just, stuff everything into a bag until it was full. He never owned that many pieces of clothing and they all ended up fitting into one bag. Except for his shoes. Did he even need two shoes anymore since he only had one foot..? Good question. Maybe he should keep everything for now, in case using a shoe on the prosthetic was important too. He returned to the cleaning closet and grabbed one smaller trash bag. His shoes wouldn’t need a large one. He almost toppled over while he grabbed the first pair of shoes. “Got to be more careful than that, Halstead.” It was Hailey’s voice. Apparently she had been watching him from the living room. He hadn’t noticed. He blushed in embarrassment. “Don’t I know it,” he replied and was more careful to pick up the next. It took him two more minutes to finish with everything. He tied both bags shut and pushed each drawer close. He looked at the bags. He physically could not carry both of them. He stared at them for a while, too long for Hailey apparently as she went over and picked up the bags. “You ready?” she asked impatiently. Jay nodded. “Thanks, I appreciate it.” He grabbed his other crutch and started following her to the door. He stopped halfway and looked around the apartment. It looked exactly the same. Frozen in time. Ironic. That this is the only thing that hasn’t changed. “Let’s go,” Hailey’s voice called from outside the apartment. Jay hurried after her. 

The car ride from Hailey’s place? Absolute hell. Jay tried to start an innocent conversation more than once, but she shot him down each time. He felt like a kicked puppy after the first three rounds. He finally took the hint and stopped trying. He wanted his sea glass shard. But he didn’t want her to see it. She’d probably think it was stupid, childish. So he balled his hands into fists, until his fingers dug into the skin of his palms. No matter how hard he squeezed with his left, he couldn’t make himself feel anything. He loosened his fist and slipped his thumb under the curled fingers. The tip of his thumb nail scraped against his ring finger. He felt it instantly. The untouched flesh and skin where his ring should have been. He straightened his fingers. Laid his open hands against his thighs. It was fine. He was fine.

Chapter Text

Voight had woken up with a bit of mischief in his step. So he decided to invite both Upton and Halstead for coffee when they’d come over. He was sure that Jay wouldn’t mind staying but Hailey? She might try and make up an excuse to leave. He wouldn’t have it though. He had his coffee machine loaded and waiting, he had even placed some bowls on his kitchen table for the ice cream he had in the freezer. 

Hank was sitting outside his apartment building when Upton’s car pulled over. He noted how she didn’t wait for Jay or ask if he needed help. She just exited the car, went to the trunk and opened it and picked up two bags. She was halfway to the bench where Hank sat by the time Jay had managed to exit the vehicle. The sergeant had a lot to do. “Hailey,” he greeted once she was close enough. He stayed seated and ignored Hailey’s loud exhales. Jay joined them and Hank stood up. “Jay, good to see you,” he said and went to open the door to them. 

“Your guy should be dropping by tonight. We were able to track him down,” Hank said to Jay once they were inside his apartment. Jay took a look inside his future room as he walked past it. “Oh yeah? That’s great,” he said. Hailey was still standing at the front door. “Here’s the bags. I should get going,” she said, not even coming up with an excuse to leave. “I already have coffee waiting. Come, take a seat,” Hank used his sergeant voice and continued his way through the house to the kitchen. He quickly switched on the coffee machine. “You can leave the bags in Jay’s room,” he added over his shoulder and watched Jay join him in the kitchen. “Go on, sit,” he said to Jay and pointed at one of the chairs. Hailey appeared from the hall and leaned against the doorframe. She counted the chairs around the table. Two. She made note of the two other stairs that were stacked in the corner. She ignored them and sat down in the chair across from Jay. Voight placed three mugs and a carton of milk on the table and went to fetch a chair for himself. He then took the ice cream from the freezer and placed it on the table, and took a seat. He opened the box of ice cream and used a spoon to scoop some into one of the bowls. “Help yourselves,” he said to the former partners. Jay and Hailey both reached for the spoon at the same time. “After you,” Jay hurried to say. Hailey shook her head but didn’t say anything. Jay reached for the spoon again after a while, and this time Hailey didn’t. She crossed her arms and looked at anything other than her former partner. She scoffed when Jay offered her a bowl of ice cream. Didn’t accept it. Jay’s eyes saddened but he didn’t say anything. Just took the bowl for himself and slowly started eating. Hailey didn’t want any anymore. The tension in the room was so strong that you could feel it, touch it. Store it in a jar and study it in a lab. They all stayed silent. Only the coffee machine and clings of spoons against ceramic entertained them for a minute. Hank stood up once the coffee was ready and poured everyone a mug. He placed the pot on the table and took a sip. Black, no sugar. Like Hailey had hers nowadays. She used to like just a hint of sugar in hers before. Not anymore. She was sour now. Bitter. Jay added milk to his, stirred it with his spoon. It still had some ice cream on it. Hailey hated that. She wasn’t sure why, but she hated it so much. Jay took a long sip, and that annoyed her too. Doesn’t appreciate the small things in life. You’re supposed to enjoy your coffee, her thoughts were angry. Bitter. “Do you have a curfew today Jay?” Hank couldn’t stand the silence any longer. Jay shook his head. “Not really. Probably best if I’m back before visiting hours end. They gave me a few hours but that’s up to interpretation.” Hank nodded. “I can give you a ride back. No need for Uber,” he suggested. “Thanks, sounds good,” Jay replied. Hailey rolled her eyes. Should let him take the Uber, why is everyone acting as his servants? Everyone except Torres. She eyed the ice cream. Wait. Her favorite flavor. Mango with chunks in it. Fine. She grabbed the spoon and scooped some for her. It tasted heavenly. She didn’t take Voight for a mango lover. “Is this your favorite?” she asked him. “No,” Hank replied. Grumbled even. “I bet you're more of a rum guy,” Jay tried to contribute. Hailey shot him a mean glare. She focused on her ice cream. “It’s your favorite though. Right?” Jay tried again. Hailey raised her eyes to look at him. Her eyes were fierce. “Would you stop already? I’m here because he asked me. Leave me be,” she spat at him. Jay’s face fell. He didn’t respond, what could he? Voight sent a disapproving look toward Hailey. She wasn’t having it. “Don’t give me that. You don’t get to judge me. You hear me?” She stood up. “And Jay? Fuck you.” she added and stormed off. The front door opened and banged shut with a loud boom. 

Hank looked at Jay. His eyes were unfocused and stared forward, unblinking. The older man sighed and stood up to clean the table. Dishes to the sink, leftover ice cream back to the freezer. Coffee into a thermos for later. When he finished, Jay was still staring at nothing. Hank wasn’t sure what to do. This wasn’t his area of expertise. He called Jay’s name once, twice. A third time, with more volume. Nothing. He didn’t think it through as he placed a hand on Jay’s shoulder. As soon as he made contact, Jay’s head turned toward him. He bolted up, sending the chair to the floor. One of his arms shot up and grabbed Hank’s with surprising strength. Jay started to twist his arm as if to throw him to the ground in a takedown. But Hank resisted and called out for him again. Jay stopped fighting. Blinked once. Twice. Once more. He let go of Hank and stumbled backward. His back hit the wall and he had nowhere to go. He blinked rapidly and let himself slide down against the wall until his butt touched the floor. He stretched out both his legs. His eyes started tearing up. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it,” he started frantically. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to, I swear,” tears were rolling down his cheeks like two small waterfalls. “I promise I didn’t mean it, I’m sorry.” Hank stood frozen and watched as his former detective cried and apologized over and over and over again. 

— —

Hailey sat in her car for ten minutes before she was calm enough to drive off. She hit the steering wheel and almost yelled loudly in frustration. What was Voight’s deal? He’d been there when Hailey spent countless nights working until the break of dawn, just to avoid going home to an empty house and a cold bed. He’d seen her fade away, wither into almost nothing and then pull herself back together. She moved on. On her own. What the hell was he thinking, trying to play some sort of matchmaker. Not going to happen, she wouldn’t have it. She took her phone and found Jay’s contact information. She blocked it and then deleted it again. Never should have asked for it back. 

She drove straight home. Parked the car in the underground garage. Took the elevator to her floor. Opened the front door that didn’t dare disobey her today. She marched to her refrigerator and opened the freezer compartment. She took out three unopened boxes of mango ice cream. With chunks in it. She opened the trash can and threw them in. She closed the fridge. Time for new favorites, she thought as she went to stare into nothingness at the balcony. She needed the air to think, to cool off  

— — 

Jay opened his eyes. Where was he? Seriously, what is this? He rubbed his eyes until he saw black dots. Blinked several times. Eventually his surroundings started to make sense again. It wasn’t… he wasn’t in a basement. Oh. This was Voight’s kitchen floor. He turned his head and saw Hank standing, staring at him. Jay immediately noticed red scratch marks on his arm. It seemed like someone had even broken the skin in some spots. Someone… he did this. It was all his fault. He quickly turned his head away when the realization hit him. He was a monster. What was he thinking? Imagining that he could come here to play house and pretend like nothing had happened? God, he was so stupid. “Jay?” Hank’s voice startled him. The older man was kneeling in front of him, just out of his reach. Smart. Jay didn’t meet his gaze. “You with me, kid?” his voice was so gentle and soft. Jay gave him a small nod as a reply. He coughed to clear his throat. “I’m so sorry, Hank. I didn’t mean to, I swear. I just “ he started but stopped when Hank raised his hand. “You already said sorry. It’s okay. Nothing to apologize for. Can I help you up?” Hank’s voice was factual. Jay shook his head. “No, you’re bleeding. It’s not okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Jay said and tried his best to stop the tears. He failed. “Halstead, listen to me. It’s not your fault. I touched you. You didn’t attack me. You hear me? It’s on me,” the sergeant voice was back, Hank tried to be gentle but Jay hadn’t been responding to it. “No but,” Jay tried to argue but Hank shut him up. “I don’t want to hear it. You apologized. I accepted. Now, can I help you up?” Hank asked again. Jay’s bottom lip quivered. He closed his eyes. He was so tired of crying. He reached into his pocket and felt for the sea glass shard. His eyes shot open when he couldn’t feel it. He looked down as his hands turned both pockets inside out. Empty. Oh no. Jay’s eyes started scanning the room frantically. He let out an audible sigh of relief when he noticed it a few feet away, almost under the fridge. He almost started crawling for it. “Can you, umm. The shard,” Jay said but couldn’t find his voice. He pointed at it with his finger. Hank fetched it and placed it on the kitchen table. He then carefully grabbed the chair that Jay had knocked over and placed it on its feet. He stood patiently in front of Jay. “Can I please help you up now?” he asked for the third time. Jay finally nodded. He wiped his eyes and nose - eugh - with the sleeve of his hoodie. Snot and tears left wet patches on it. He then reached up and Voight grabbed his hands. He gently pulled the younger man off the floor and helped him sit down. Jay grabbed the shard as soon as his butt hit the chair. He closed his eyes and started fiddling. 

When he opened his eyes the next time he felt a bit better. Not good, but better. Hank had placed a glass of water on the table for him. The man in question was nowhere to be seen. Jay wanted to stand up but couldn’t find the energy. He took the glass and took a small sip. Ice cold, as cold as the tap would be able to provide. He drank some more, about half. Set the glass back on the table. “Hank?” he called out. It didn’t take long for Jay to hear his footsteps. The man appeared at the kitchen door. “You alright, kid?” he asked as he leaned against the frame. “Umm. Yeah. I was just wondering where you went,” Jay was able to respond. He felt exhausted, like all his energy was gone. “Your guy stopped by, took the furniture. I told you before but you were preoccupied,” Hank explained. Oh. “Okay. Umm. What time is it?” Jay asked. He would have loved to catch up with his buddy but too late now. “It’s almost six. You hungry? We could eat before I drive you to Med,” Hank replied and walked close to the fridge. Jay shook his head. “Not really. But I guess I should eat anyway, if you don’t mind,” Jay thought about his nutritionist. She’d be proud of him. Hank opened his fridge. He took out a large plastic container. “Just some spaghetti and sauce,” he said and placed the container on the table. He grabbed two plates and some utensils. “Take as much as you want,” Hank said as he handed Jay a plate. Jay didn’t take much, he wasn’t sure how much he would be able to eat. He could always take more. Hank took the plate and put it in the microwave. “I don’t have salad,” he added and refilled Jay’s glass. He took some spaghetti for himself and waited for Jay’s meal to finish heating. The whole time, Jay avoided looking at Hank. He didn’t want to see the long, angry red scratches on his arm. He’d probably have a bruise from when Jay had squeezed his arm so hard. He felt like a coward, he couldn’t look. Hank placed a plate in front of him. He took a fork and swirled it around the plate. He wasn’t feeling hungry at all. In fact, the smell of food almost made him nauseous. But he didn’t want to be a rude guest - like he already hadn’t been - so he took a mouthful of spaghetti. Mmm. It was good. “Did you make the sauce?” he heard himself ask. Hank nodded. “About the only thing I can make,” he replied as he got seated across from Jay. Hank started digging into his meal, and Jay tried to match the other man’s eating speed. He quite couldn’t, but he did finish his plate before he did. The more he ate, the more hungry he felt. He wanted to take more. “Go on, eat up,” Hank urged when he noticed Jay’s longing looks at the spaghetti. Jay smiled, the tiniest little smile, and took some more food. Before Hank was able to get up, Jay stopped him. “I got it. Thanks,” he said and stood up using the chair’s backrest for support. He hopped closer to the counter and reached for the plate. He placed it on the counter and hopped forward. Once he was in front of the microwave, he took the plate and placed it inside. He set the time and waited. He leaned heavily against the counter. He wished he had the temporary prosthetic already. Tuesday couldn’t come fast enough. Although he should keep his expectations realistic, maybe even slightly pessimistic. Doctors Garcia had said that he’d walk on Tuesday. Not that he’d get a leg that he could keep. There’s a difference. The beeping of the microwave pulled him out of his thoughts. He repeated the process of getting back to the table. Move plate, hop. Plate, hop. Like a little bunny. 

Jay tried to help with the dishes but Hank ordered him to stay put. The older man cleared the table and left everything in the sink. He’d deal with them after he was back from Med. “We should probably leave soon. You need anything else?” Hank added as he grabbed the car keys and stuffed them in his pocket. “No, thanks. Just the bathroom and then we can leave,” Jay stood and took his crutches. Hank pointed him toward the bathroom and watched him go. While Hank waited for Jay he put his coat on. Checked his phone. He noticed that he had a meeting at the precinct tomorrow, he had marked it as important with three exclamation marks so he probably shouldn’t skip it. It was early in the morning. Right when he was supposed to bring Jay from Med. Of course. He’d sort it a bit later. Jay was done and ready to leave. Hank flipped the lights off and held the door as Jay exited with him in tow. 

“So listen. Atwater will pick you up tomorrow. I have a meeting I can’t postpone. Here, that’s the spare keys to my apartment. You can hold onto those for now,” Hank said from behind the wheel. Jay took the set of keys and checked them out. Two keys on a chain. A bottle opener. And a matte black letter. The letter J. He blinked. J as in… Jay..? No. J as in Justin. These were Justin’s old keys. A dead man’s keys. Jay slipped the keys into his pocket. “Thanks. I’ll take good care of them,” he added softly. Hank turned to look at him for a second. First he looked confused but then clarity came. “I know you will,” Hank replied. The rest of the drive was spent in silence. 

Hank escorted Jay all the way to his room despite his insistence that he would be okay to go on his own from the parking lot. They didn’t speak much, Jay too tired and Hank, well, Hank too Voight. By the time Jay was sitting on his bed he felt half asleep. Hank had twenty minutes until the visiting hours ended. “You need anything?” Hank said as he took a seat on the bed next to Jay. Poor kid looked exhausted. Jay shook his head. “I’ll just change my clothes and probably sleep right after. But thanks,” he replied. Hank looked around. “These clothes?” he said and pointed toward a pile. Jay nodded. “Yeah. Just some shorts and an old t-shirt,” he explained. Hank stood up and retrieved them for Jay. He sat down on the bed again and waited. Jay looked confused for a moment, then shrugged. He unzipped his hoodie and took it off. Hank offered his hand, and Jay gave him the hoodie. He then pulled off his t-shirt and also gave it to Hank. He took the other shirt, an old Army shirt, and put it on. He looked at his shoe. Without a word, Hank stood up, placed the clothes on a vacant chair, knelt down in front of Jay and undid the laces. He almost expected Jay to kick off the shoe using his other foot but, well. You know. So Hank tugged it off instead. Jay nodded a small thanks. He then looked at the shorts. He was hesitant. Not because he didn’t want to undress in front of Hank, he wasn’t shy like that at all. But Hank hadn’t seen how bad it was. The remains of his left leg. Maybe he wouldn’t look anyway. Jay could request he didn’t. He didn’t find the energy to say anything. So he stood up and leaned against the bed as he pulled down his sweatpants. Sat down and lifted his leg and shook them off. Hank knelt down to pick up the pants. He then reached into the pockets and fished out Justin’s keys and the sea glass shard. He tossed the pants on the chair with the rest of the clothes and turned to hand the items to Jay. His eyes briefly wandered over Jay’s lower body. He’d seen it already, in the file, the photographs. The images had been taken when the injuries were fresh and raw. The current situation that was Jay’s left leg wasn’t nearly as bad anymore. Hank didn’t look for too long. He offered the items to Jay who took them after a while. “Not very pretty anymore,” Jay said quietly. He’d noticed Hank looking. “Don’t tell me. I don’t think you ever were. Sorry, Halstead,” Hank found himself replying. Jay actually laughed at that. Jay reached behind him and placed both items on his nightstand. He got dressed in his shorts and snaked his way under the covers. If he lied down and let his head touch the pillow then he’d be asleep instantly. So he leaned forward until he was in a sitting position. “Kevin will be here at nine tomorrow. Unless we get a case then he’ll stay with you until you get tired of him. You’re welcome to kick him out. He still has files to finish,” Hank said and started making his way to the door.  Jay nodded as a sign that he heard him. He leaned backwards, head almost touching the pillows. “Night, kid,” Hank said and turned off the lights. Jay didn’t reply. Hank pulled the door shut and left the hospital. 

— —

Hailey was still sitting on the balcony when her phone rang from indoors. She stood up to see who it was. Voight. Great. Her second favorite person as of today. Because she was a grown up and could handle conflict she decided to answer. “What?” she said with snark. Okay, maybe she still had some room for growth. “No, you listen to me. I don’t care what’s going on with you and Halstead. I shouldn’t have gotten involved today. But if you ever storm off like that again, bang doors and scare him shitless then you and I are going to have a problem,” Voight grumbled at her. Almost snarled. Hailey saw red. “Why do you automatically take his side?! He’s the one who left. Not just me, he left all of us!” she couldn’t help but yell. “Don’t, you don’t get to turn this on me. Did you understand what I said?” the man demanded. God! What’s with the blind loyalty? “Do you hear yourself? Get it through your head. He’s. Not. Justin,” Hailey spat. Oh no. She didn’t just say that out loud. Voight didn’t respond. “Hank I- I didn’t mean that,” Hailey replied. She felt horrible. That was such a sucker punch. A knife to his chest. “Voight?” she tried carefully. “I know he’s not Justin. My son is dead. Dead. But Jay is not,” he eventually answered. His voice was flat, emotionless. It made Hailey’s hairs stand up. She shivered. “Don’t ever say his name again,” Voight added with an actual growl and hung up. 

Hailey collapsed onto the couch. She stared at the phone in her hand. She let it drop. How was she the bad guy here? Sure, she was pissed at Jay but it’s not like she got some sick satisfaction out of the fact that he no longer had both his legs. Even the Hailey from a few months ago wouldn’t have found satisfaction in such thing. She had been horrified when Kim had broken the news that Jay’s leg was gone. She almost wanted to throw up when she saw him for the first time with no leg. Not from disgust or anything. But from shock, disbelief, worry. And then Voight has the audacity to call her and shame her for the way she felt? What the hell. She needed to vent to someone. Kim wasn’t an option, she’d be home enjoying family life. Adam - duh. Torres? The guy would probably get the wrong idea if she called her so he wasn’t an option either. Kevin. Kevin might actually have some useful insight… but he also might go and report back to Jay. Ehh. Worth the risk. She grabbed her phone and called. He answered quickly. “Hey Hailey, what’s up?” “Can you come over? I could use a friend tonight. A friend who brings something other than wine,” Hailey requested. Kevin laughed at that. “Sure, I can swing by. But I’m not bringing you whisky on Sunday evening. See you in twenty,” Kevin said and ended the call. She’d use the time to tidy up. 

Kevin and Hailey sat outside on the balcony. Kevin hadn’t brought liquor to her disappointment. He did bring a tub of chocolate ice cream. It was borderline stereotypical that she, a woman would like chocolate ice cream when she was feeling down, but she was glad to have it so. At first the two cops talked about light stuff. But eventually Kevin got tired of waiting for her to bring up the reason for the visit. “Did something happen with Voight or Jay, or both?” he asked, holding a spoon. Hailey hadn’t bothered to get them bowls, so they were eating straight out of the tub. Hailey sighed and gave him a brief summary of the day’s events. She started with Jay’s call on Saturday, and ended with Voight’s call. Kevin let out a whistle. “Man, that’s rough. Sarge put you in a bad position there. Not a surprise there unfortunately,” Kevin thought. “Why? Because it’s Jay we’re talking about?” she couldn’t keep the displeasure from her voice. Kevin shook his head. “I meant that he’s always the one to fix things. He’s always finding ways to protect us, keep us from getting in trouble. I think you might know a thing about that,” Kevin said carefully. “No judgment from me though. It’s all Voight. That’s how he’s always led the team. I haven’t been there as long as Jay or Adam, but it was always like that. Voight bends the rules to keep his team safe. He lost Jay, a member of the team. And now he got him back. So, he does what he’s always done. Protect the team,” Kevin finished. “But I’m on his team too. I never left. I stayed by him. Doesn’t that count for anything?” Hailey let out a frustrated sigh. “I’m with you on that. Listen, I know I’ve been helping Jay a lot, especially earlier this week. But I still haven’t forgiven him. We have a lot to talk about. But there’s no point in talking until Jay gets his shit together. And he’s never going to do that if we don’t help him.” Hailey considered the words. Hmmh. “You’re free to help him. As long as I don’t need to. He vowed to never leave you know. In his wedding vow. And he broke that even before our divorce. I’m done, he’s not my concern anymore,” she explained and Kevin nodded. “Totally fair and reasonable. You don’t owe him anything. But what about you?” Kevin asked. Hailey raised her brows. “Don’t you owe it to yourself to get some answers? Would it help you let go of some of that… anger of yours?” Kevin finished carefully. She hadn’t thought of it like that. It made sense, of course. Kevin was surprisingly insightful like that. “I guess. Not sure when I'd be ready for something like that. He tried to talk to me at least half a dozen times today. I shut him up each time. Until I stormed off and almost banged Voight’s door broken…” Hailey’s voice trailed off. “Voight said something when he called me,” she remembered suddenly. Kevin turned more towards her. “He told me to stop banging doors shut because it ‘scares the shit out of Halstead’. What does that mean?” Kevin’s face turned sad. “I’m only guessing here but it may be related to the PTSD,” Kevin whispered. “He doesn’t have PTSD,” Hailey argued back. Kevin shook his head. “Hailey, you weren’t there. At the hospital. He’s… he’s a broken man, Hailey. Im more than one way.” She didn’t feel like having more ice cream. “Can you tell me? I think I need to try and understand,” she replied after a few moments. Kevin shrugged. “You should really ask him that. But okay. Humm. Spending the night with him really opened my eyes. He was jumpy and skittish. Kept drifting off kind of. He’d just stare at nothing until something startled him out of it. His hands were always shaky. He kind of, cried all the time. Didn’t have the money to buy his meds or keep up with his appointments so he’s behind on everything. Including how to manage the pain,” Kevin spoke until Hailey interrupted her. “Pain from what?” “The leg. The nerve damage. Phantom pains, you know. Maybe something else, I don’t know. I saw his stump, there could be something else going on but I don’t know.” Kevin let her consider the information. “When you say you saw his stump. You say it like it, explains a lot?” Hailey eventually asked. “It does. You’ll see if the two of you talk and he tells you. That’s about all I can say, probably said too much already,” Kevin explained. She gave him a nod. “Thanks Kev, for everything. You’re a good friend.” 

Kevin left soon after. They both had work the next day, and he needed to be ready to get Jay from the hospital. Hailey sat in bed a couple of hours later. Kevin had given her a lot to think about. She wasn’t ready to let go of her feelings just yet, but maybe eventually she’d sit down with Jay and just talk. And maybe listen. Mostly talk, preferably. She allowed herself to remember all the things she wanted to say to him. Things she’d convinced herself that didn’t matter anymore because she’d moved on.. A part of her still disagreed with Kev's suggestion and wanted nothing to do with Jay. She recognized that this was an opportunity to work through some buried feelings and issues and maybe in the long run it would be beneficial. For Hailey. She thought about what was best for her. And right now? It was best if she could avoid him for a few weeks altogether. Because again, Kevin was right. Jay wasn’t ready for a deep conversation until he got his shit together. One day, perhaps. Only time would tell. 

Chapter Text

Jay was all packed up and ready. Kevin had showed up early to help with packing. All of his doctors and specialists had been to his room, each giving him a stack of papers, filled with instructions, general information, personal notes, future appointments. Jay would need to sit down later in the day and organize each appointment, add them to his phone calendar. The only thing that was left was a quick conversation with a therapist. She arrived to Jay’s room and politely asked Kevin to take a trip to the cafeteria. He gave Jay an encouraging smile and left. 

“Morning, Jay. It’s good to see you again,” Molly Fischer, the therapist said. “I was glad to hear that your medical aid applications went through. We really need to get together more often, don’t you think?” Jay nodded. He liked Molly. She kept things casual, conversational. He never felt like she tried to get into his head. “So, how have you been?” she asked and clicked on the ballpoint pen in her hand. Jay sighed. What a loaded question. “Umm, better, I think. I think I’m slowly starting to have that support system you talked about before. Some people I used to know from work.” She scribbled on her notebook. “You met Kevin when you got here. He’s like, probably my best friend. Been there a lot recently. My boss too. Former boss,” Jay trailed off at the mention of Voight. “That’s good to hear, Jay. A strong support system sometimes makes all the difference. How are things with your former boss?” Fischer didn’t miss how Jay had stopped mid sentence. Jay lowered his head. “Umm, I guess. It was last night,” he said slowly. She waited for him to continue on his own. “You talked about it before. Post traumatic stress. I should have believed you,” Jay admitted sadly. “What happened, Jay?” “I’m not sure. One minute I was eating and then suddenly I’m on the floor. My boss is standing in front of me. He umm, he had bleeding scratches on his arm. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t mean to..,” Jay trailed off and sniffled. He wiped his watery eyes. “I know you didn’t, Jay. I know,” she responded calmly. “PTSD can present itself in many ways, it sounds to me like you might have had a flashback that was likely triggered by something that reminded you of your trauma. Sometimes these triggers are more obvious, but sometimes it can be hard to tell what triggered you. If anything specific at all. Sometimes exhaustion, both emotional and physical, can cause traumatic events to surface more easily. Thank you for sharing this with me, Jay. You did well,” she finished and wrote down something. “I just. I hate being like this. I don’t want to hurt others,” Jay responded softly. “If you work hard, focus on yourself then I’m optimistic that you can learn to live with this. You can’t exactly cure post traumatic stress. You can, however, manage the symptoms and get them under control so that you can live a normal life. It just takes time to recover. I know we haven’t talked about Bolivia much, but I read your file. Jay, you went through a tremendous amount of trauma. I’d be worried if you weren’t struggling with it,” Fischer said. Jay shivered at the mention of Bolivia but didn’t say anything. “How about I check your health files? I can see all your scheduled appointments from there, and I’ll fit you in for weekly visits. Would you be okay with two visits a week for the first month?” she suggested. Jay shrugged. He didn’t want any visits at all. But he also wanted to get better. “Whatever you think is best, doc.” 

— —

Voight was unhappy. Sitting in long meetings had never been his thing. And this one? Extremely boring. He hadn’t bothered muting his phone and was relieved to hear a text from Atwater. He grabbed his phone, and got a few mean looks from the higher ups but none told him to stop. He opened it and read quickly. “Almost ready to leave. Shrink needs to clear him first. Will text you once we’re at your place.” He sent a short ‘ok’ as a reply and locked the screen. Ho wondered if Jay would bring it up with the shrink, the…  incident at his apartment. Voight had made the conscious choice to wear a long sleeve today. Didn’t need the questioning looks from the higher ups. He half wanted to find an excuse to roll up his sleeves in front of Upton to make sure she understood what her hotheadedness had cost. 

— —

The bullpen was mostly quiet. Hailey stood in the break room and waited for the coffee to drip. Kim and Adam were together at her desk, heads together and softly talked about something. She scoffed. Then scolded herself. She had been exactly like that too, with Jay. Not often, she tried to be professional while on the clock but they shared a moment or two. She took a mug and filled it with coffee. She kept looking at Kim and Adam, not staring but almost. She was lonely, she thought. Between the long hours and being somewhat of an introvert, she didn’t have many friends outside work. She checked the time. Kevin was probably on his way to Voight’s place right now, with Jay. Jay… he would have fit right back in at her apartment. His things were already there, the apartment wasn’t cluttered and it had an open floor plan. She shook her head. It wasn’t his place anymore. She took the mug of coffee and returned to her desk. 

— —

Jay didn’t talk much in the car. It was nowhere near noon yet he already felt ready for bed. He was exhausted, speaking with Doctor Fischer always had that effect. Kevin glanced at him for the dozenth time. “Thanks for giving me a ride,” Jay said. “Don’t mention it, bro. You got me out of doing reports and stuff at work. I can be here all day if you want,” Kevin replied with a grin. Jay shook his head and turned his attention back to the passing cars. 

Getting all of Jay’s things to the apartment required two trips. Jay opted to use his wheelchair so that he could carry stuff on his lap. When did he acquire all this? He entered Voight’s apartment and passed the keys to Kevin who left to make one final trip. The door to his room was wide open, and he wheeled himself there. He approached one of the shelves and tossed everything from his lap to it. He shredded off his jacket and left it on the bed for now. He noticed how the wheels of his chair had already brought dirt into the apartment. He’d try and avoid using the chair indoors, he’d manage with crutches on most days. Kevin returned soon after with the last of his things. He looked around the apartment. “This is nice. I’ve always wondered how Voight lived,” he said and started checking out the apartment. Jay took his crutches and left the chair in his room. He went to the living room and took a seat, grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. Kevin came back from his mini adventure and joined him. “You might find some reruns of Friends if you’re lucky. Nothing’s ever on at this hour,” he said and waited for Jay to pick a channel. Voight had a paid subscription to some sports channels and Jay was able to find a replay of a game from last night. Man, he missed having a tv. “You’re free to stick around as long as you want. I’ll probably take it easy today. I want to be at my best for tomorrow,” Jay said to Kevin. “Oh yeah? What’s tomorrow?” Kevin was curious. “Umm. I think I might be getting a temporary prosthesis. Maybe. I’m definitely trying one on at least,” he replied with a smile. Kevin shoved his shoulder. “Hell yeah bro that’s awesome! You should have told me, that’s great news,” Kevin couldn’t control his excitement. Jay chuckled and ducked his head. “I’m pretty excited, yeah. But I just don’t want to jinx anything you know?” Kevin nodded to him. “Well text me after if you’re up for it. Is Voight going with you?” Jay shrugged. “I think so. Him or Trudy. They were both there when my leg doc said that I could have one person with me to observe.” Jay considered. “I think Hank’s coming. The appointment is at eight, in the morning, so it would make more sense than to have Trudy drive here you know?” A comfortable silence fell over them. Neither had seen the game already so their attention was fully drawn to the flat screen before them. 

— —

Voight checked his phone. It was way past lunchtime, his meeting had ended twenty minutes ago. More like a lecture. On The importance of police presence and relations in an urban setting. Whatever that meant. Atwater should have texted by now. He probably forgot, but still. Voight decided to call, just in case. No answer. He called again, still nothing. He exited his office and looked at his team in the bullpen. “Anyone speak to Atwater recently?” he asked. He got a chorus of no’s from each member. He grunted and returned to his office and took a seat. He called Jay. He picked up after a few rings. “Umm, hi Hank. Is everything alright?” his voice sounded from the line. “You tell me. Atwater was supposed to text me,” he replied with a slightly annoyed voice. Muffled voices from the other end. “It’s probably in his car. We had our hands kind of full. But we’re good. Watched the game. Kevin’s setting the table for lunch - it’s cool if he eats here right?” Jay added quickly. Voight huffed. The kid sure had manners, most days. “It’s fine, just clean up after yourselves,” he replied and ended the call. 

— —

“Is sarge going to let me starve or what?” Kevin shouted from the kitchen. Jay laughed and stood up to join him. “Actually, no. He just told us to clean after we finish,” Jay said as he entered the kitchen. He took a different seat than yesterday. “Seriously, I checked the whole kitchen and couldn’t find a single fruit or a vegetable. How does the man live like this..,” Kevin complained as he placed the reheated container of spaghetti on the table. “He needs to make some changes, at least for your sake. I bet that nutritionists of yours would have a heart attack if she saw sarge’s cupboards.” Jay smiled. “She gave me a booklet of meal ideas. I’ll show it to Hank later, it’s fine,” he said as he filled his plate. He felt hungry, almost starving. He hadn’t eaten much for breakfast, too eager to get out of there. “If you want to get out of the apartment then I can take you, buy some groceries,” Kevin suggested after swallowing a mouthful. Jay contemplated it for a while. It would be good for him, get out there and do regular things again. He could use the air and the exercise. But he felt uneasy. Don’t be a loser, Halstead. You were raised better than that. “Umm. I can wait in the car if that’s okay? Make you a list, pay you back after?” he replied carefully. It was a fair compromise in his mind. “Sure, we can do that. I could take you to that smaller store near my place. It’s more quiet and there’s some benches outside if you’d rather wait outside than in my car,” Kevin said. “Oh, okay. Yeah I can do that,” Jay replied with a small smile. “You want to leave right after?” Kevin asked. “Uh, sure. I just need to make a list for you and then we can go,” Jay said. The pair enjoyed the rest of their meals in silence. After they were both finished, Kevin started washing the dishes as Jay went to his room to create a grocery list for him. He rummaged through his vast collection of papers and pamphlets until he found the meal booklet. He took the first two recipes and copied the ingredients on a small piece of paper. He left the papers scattered around. He’d start organizing everything tonight. 

Kevin parked his car in the disabled section. “I don’t suppose you have one of those blue permit things that I can leave in my car?” he asked and Jay shook his head. “Umm, I’ll ask about one tomorrow at Med. Sorry,” Jay replied. He looked outside and noticed a bench about thirty feet away. “I guess I’ll sit there. I can say that the car’s my ride if someone tries to start something,” he suggested. Kevin nodded. “Sounds cool, brother. I shouldn’t be too long. Here, hold the car keys for me just in case,” Kevin added as an afterthought and tossed the keys. Jay stuffed them in his pocket and the duo exited the vehicle. Kevin took off, and Jay made his way to the bench. He took a seat and looked around. It was a quiet area, there were only a handful of other cars in the parking lot. Not too many pedestrians. He breathed in the cool Chicago air. He briefly wondered if the days would start to get warmer again soon. He regretted his earlier decision to leave the sea glass pieces at Voight’s apartment. He didn’t want to lose them, but now he craved for something to occupy his fingers. He used to play with his ring too, before. But now, the ring was in a small envelope somewhere in Voight’s apartment. He didn’t know how or why, but one of the medical staff members at Med had managed to save and clean his ring for him. It had been cut off from his finger apparently, but they kept the pieces for him. It could be fixed if he wanted it. But why fix a ring when you can’t fix the marriage? Jay could buy a different ring, keep it on a different finger, have it represent something else. Commitment, it seems, didn’t work out for him. He was startled by a stranger’s loud voice. “Hey! Hey you! Did you see who parked here?” a middle aged man demanded him. He was dressed business casually, hair combed and glued firmly into place. “Umm, yeah, that’s me. My car,” Jay managed to respond. “Don’t you see you parked in the disabled section? My wife just had knee surgery and she needs the easy access,” the man approached him and had fire in his eyes. Was he for real now? “Sir, I literally don’t have a leg,” Jay could help but snap back. “And yet I don’t see a permit in your car. Is it even your car? What sort of hobo are you?” the man started yelling at Jay. Should have stayed home. “It is my car. I have the keys right here,” Jay replied and showed the keys to the man. Then, out of the blue, the man lunged toward Jay and snagged the keys out of his hand. Jay stood up and grabbed his crutches. “Hey! What the hell?” he exclaimed. He tried to reach for the keys but the man took a couple of steps back. “I’ll hold onto these while the cops get here. There are laws you know, and they apply to freaks like you!” the man yelled as he dialed 911. Jay stood in disbelief. This couldn’t be happening. “The officers are on their way, you just wait!” Jay sighed and took a seat in defeat. Kevin chose that moment to exit the store with the groceries. He saw Jay with a stranger and approached. “Hey Jay. Everything alright?” he asked when he noticed the stranger’s stiff posture. “He took my keys. Called the cops on me,” Jay said with a quiet voice. Kevin placed the bags of groceries on the bench next to Jay. “Sir, I’m a detective with the Chicago P.D Intelligence unit,” Kevin started. The man scoffed. “Oh yeah? Identify yourself. Show me your badge,” he demanded. Kevin’s hand fell to his hip. Shit. He didn’t have his badge with him. He turned to Jay. “I’m calling sarge,” he said and quickly made the call. Jay could see a patrol car approaching from the streets. Great. The car parked close by and two officers exited the vehicle and walked over. “Good afternoon gentlemen, what seems to be the problem here?” the younger policeman asked. The man started ranting how Jay was taking advantage of ‘the system’ and his wife was suffering due to his inconsiderate behavior. Kevin finished the call and joined the conversation. “Hey guys. Kevin Atwater, PD Intelligence unit. My boss, Sergeant Voight, is on his way. This is former Chicago PD detective Jay Halstead, a recently retired Army veteran,” Kevin didn’t like to drop names or titles but this idiot here was out of line. One of the officers perked up. “Kevin? From Hank’s unit?” he inquired and Kevin nodded. “I went to the academy with him back in the day. Halstead. It’s been a while. My god, what the hell happened to you?” Jay luckily didn’t have time to think about an answer because the other man interrupted. “Excuse me! I won’t stand for this. You cops always cover for each other. I want someone else to handle this crime!” The older patrol officer laughed. “What crime, sir? If there’s been a crime committed then it was committed by you. I could have you arrested for theft, harassment and discrimination against a man with a disability.” The other man’s face paled. “Wait, what? I didn’t do anything wrong!” he stuttered. “Sir, you’re literally holding my keys in your hand. Did you give them to him, Jay?” Kevin asked. Jay shook his head. “And this won’t be one of those ‘he said he said’ cases. I know for a fact that the store’s security cameras captured whatever happened here. Officers, why don’t you go take a look while Jay and this fine gentleman here wait for my boss?” The officers nodded with a pleasant smile on their lips. “Sir, don’t go anywhere. Or we can add a charge or two on your sheet,” the younger officer said as he followed the other into the store. 

Jay sat quietly. He wanted to go home. Go home and never leave again. Why did he think this was a good idea? God. At least Voight was here now, his car was just pulling up. Jay saw that the whole team had come with Voight. Great. This’ll be fun. Voight marched over with fury in his step. He had even put on his vest for show. He had his hands gripped on the shoulder straps of the vest. “Atwater, Halstead. You two okay?” he asked when he was closer. The whole team was hot behind his trail. Jay nodded. Kevin would handle this. “Sir, what’s your name?” Voight asked. “Steve McCook. I’m the victim here, okay?” he tried. Voight gave him a cold stare. “Give me the keys,” he asked with a steady voice. McCook reluctantly handed them over. “I had to make sure he would flee the scene before you showed up. Criminals do that all the time!” he tried to defend himself. “Does this man look like a criminal who could quickly flee a scene?” Adam quipped from behind Voight. “No offense, Jay,” he added quickly. Jay gave Adam a small smile. The two officers from the store approached the group. “Hank! It’s been a while,” the older officer greeted when he recognized his former classmate. They shook hands. “What do we got?” Voight asked. “The store manager was more than happy to show us his security feed. It was just like you said, Atwater. They caught the whole thing.” McCook paled even more. “Halstead was sitting here, minding his own business when this man,” he pointed at McCook, “approached him and started a confrontation. Halstead took something out of his pocket, which we know to be the keys, and McCook clearly used force to take them. The feed doesn’t have audio but that still proves that Halstead didn’t willingly hand them over. Halstead then stood up and reached for the keys but he stepped back. Atwater entered the scene shortly after.” McCook was silent. It was clear he had no room to talk himself out of this. “Halstead. It’s up to you. Do you want to press charges?” Voight asked him. Jay quickly shook his head. “I don’t need all this on my plate right now. When can I leave?” he answered tiredly. He just wanted to go home and have some peace. The young patrol officer spoke up. “We just need a short statement, then you’re free to leave. Oh, thank you for your service, Mr Halstead.” Jay gave him a quick nod. The older officer started leading McCook to the side for his statement. Jay gave a short summary of what had happened. He didn’t need to say much as it was all on tape. “As you know, you can file a report later if you change your mind. And I apologize for the inconvenience, your patience is appreciated,” the officer said as he closed his notebook after Jay’s statement was complete. “Thanks, officer. I doubt I’ll change my mind. I meant what I said before. Full plate already,” Jay replied and vaguely gestured to his body. The officer nodded politely and walked to his patrol car. “Jay? We can go now if you’re ready,” Kevin said from beside him. Jay ran a hand through his hair. “Please, let’s get out of here.” Kim and Adam carried one bag of groceries each and placed them into Kevin’s car. They said quick goodbyes and Kevin started the engine. “We’ll shop somewhere else next time,” he promised. 

Chapter Text

Jay asked to be left alone once they arrived to Voight’s apartment. Kevin nodded quietly, put away the groceries as Jay went to his room. He cleared his bed from clothes and files, simply swiped everything to the floor. He sat down at the edge. He massaged the base of his stump. His calf was on fire. Yeah. His left calf. Except he didn’t have one. The nerves on his nonexistent left foot hurt so bad. For a brief moment he considered fetching his pain management plan. But he didn’t. He just wanted to sleep for a couple of hours. He’d deal with it later. He removed his shoe and hoodie and grabbed a comforter and wrapped it around his shoulders. Kevin appeared in the doorway. “I can leave now if you’re sure you’re alright,” he said. Worry in his voice. Jay nodded. “I’m sure, thanks. Just need some sleep. Hank’ll probably be here when I wake up, so you know. Sorry about before,” his voice was gentle. Kevin shook his head. “Nah brother that wasn’t on you. The dude was a dick,” Kevin said firmly. “Alright I’ll leave you to it then. Call or text if you need anything,” he said and exited the apartment. Alone at last. He let himself fall onto the mattress. He adjusted his position and closed his eyes. Sleep consumed him within seconds. 

His sleep was restless. He tossed and turned and didn’t seem to get any deep sleep. His attempt at resting was further interrupted by a knock on the door. Jay groaned and made no attempt to get up. Then the doorbell rang. With a loud groan he sat up. Grabbed his crutches and stood. He went to the door and looked through the peephole and took a step back and froze. “I can hear you’re at the door, open up!” came the visitor’s voice from outside. Jay eventually recovered and unlocked the door and let the visitor in. 

Jay watched as he walked past him, or more like stormed past him. He couldn’t help but stare. Will Halstead. Here. In Voight’s apartment. The only family he had left. He almost wanted to throw his arms around his brother and never let go. Will stood in the living room and rubbed his chin violently. Jay watched as he opened his mouth once, twice. Couldn’t find the right words. Jay slowly walked over but left a respectful distance between them. Will turned to look at his brother. He stepped closer, until he was about an arm’s length away. He stared at Jay for a while until his eyes started tearing up. “Come here, brother,” he said and pulled Jay into a tight hug. Jay had to let go of his crutches, and they dropped to the floor. Jay didn’t have to worry about falling over though, Will’s hold on him was strong and steady. Jay hugged back and felt tears in his own eyes as well. They embraced each other until Jay had to hop on his leg to adjust. This caused Will to pull back from the hug. “Shit, Jay. Come on, let’s take a seat,” he quickly bent down to grab Jay’s crutches and handed them to him. Jay accepted them with a smile and moved to take a seat on the couch. Will studied his movements in doctor mode. He eventually joined Jay on the couch. Jay didn’t know how to start. “Hi?” he said carefully. Will shook his head and laughed. “Really Jay, really? That’s the best you got after almost 15 months of no contact. Wow, that’s low, even for you,” Will replied. He didn’t sound angry, just disappointed. “Oh and thanks for letting me know you weren’t dead in a ditch somewhere. You know that Hailey of all people called me.” Jay couldn’t look at his brother. “I’m sorry, okay?” he said quietly. “I can tell you everything if you’ll let me,” he added. “You bet your ass you’re going to tell me everything. So spill,” Will replied and turned himself to sit more toward Jay. Here we go again, Jay thought as he took in a steadying breath. With a long exhale, he started from the beginning. 

Will stayed silent the whole time. Jay kept the part about his captivity short and vague, he didn’t need his brother to know such things, but otherwise he was surprisingly truthful. The look on Will’s face when Jay told him about the blood clots that nearly killed him? Shattered Jay’s heart. If he had died then Will would have been the last Halstead. He caught Will up to speed on everything, including the appointments he had scheduled for the following weeks. Jay felt emotionally drained when he finished talking. “Why didn’t you call? You know I would have come,” Will said with a hint of judgment. More than a hint, actually. Jay was getting tired of this part the most. Explaining why he hadn’t contacted anyone. Will wouldn’t understand, people never did. “It was all just too much. I couldn’t even stand my own company most days, I didn’t have the capacity for anyone else,” Jay tried to word it like that this time. Will digested his words for a long time. “I’m just so relieved you’re back. But if you do something like this again then I’ll kill you myself,” he eventually replied. With a smile. Okay, that was a solid response. “Trust me, I don’t plan on being abducted and being held in an underground bunker in Bolivia again,” Jay quipped.  Will made a face. “Don’t joke like that. It’s not funny,” he said firmly. Jay shrugged. His trauma, his methods of handling it. Will needed a distraction. “Do you want to go over my treatment plan? I have it somewhere in my room,” Jay decided to suggest. Will, being a curious medical professional, nodded yes. The Halstead brothers stood and went to Jay’s room. Will looked around. It was messy, too messy to be Jay’s room. “I just got discharged today, give me a break,” Jay said when he caught his brother. Will raised his hands in surrender. “I didn’t say anything,” he replied with a smile. Jay shook his head and looked through some of the papers on the shelf but came up empty. The summary of his treatment plan must be somewhere on the floor. “Well, Will. Take a seat. This is going to take a while,” Jay smiled as he carefully took a seat on the floor. Will joined him and together they started going through each paper. 

— —

Hank needed a beer. What a day. He stood alone in the elevator and twisted his keys in his hand. The elevator arrived at his floor and he promptly went to his door and unlocked it. As soon as he stepped in he could hear voices. From Jay’s room. Atwater had already gone home, and Hank would have recognized his car outside. The man didn’t sound like Atwater either. Hank approached Jay’s room and looked in. Jay was facing the door and sat on the floor. A man was on the floor with him, his back to Hank. He cleared his throat and both men startled. “Jesus, man!” Will Halstead exclaimed and turned to look at him. Interesting. “Halstead. Other Halstead,” Hank greeted and crossed his arms. “Couch not comfortable enough?” Will laughed. “We’re just trying to organize Jay’s papers. He dropped a file earlier,” the lie slipped out easily. Hank grumbled an incoherent reply and walked away. The brothers shared a little laugh and dove back into the papers. Hank went to his kitchen and opened the fridge to get the long awaited beer. He blinked a few times when he saw how fully stocked his fridge was. Right. Jay needed actual, proper meals. He grunted at the realization that his fridge had been reorganized. At least the six pack of beer was easy enough to find. He grabbed a bottle and twisted it open and took a long swig. Exactly what he needed. He took another beer and carried both into the living room. He set one on the table and opened the tv. 

Will and Jay finished organizing all the files. They did manage the to find the treatment plan as well,  but Will said he’d read it once every paper was in order. Will helped Jay stand up and they both took a seat on the couch. Will then started reading through the plan. He occasionally mumbled something to himself but overall he seemed pleased. “They’re doing good work at Med. Although I am kind of surprised that they didn’t transfer your care to Walter Reed,” Will commented once he finished reading. “Yeah, that was probably my fault. Long story,” Jay kept his answer vague. While he had told Will that he flew back to the States and that likely caused the blood clots, he hadn’t told him that it was his idea to fly. That he disobeyed very clear orders to not fly. Will looked like he wanted to press for details but he didn’t. “Who’s taking you to the hospital tomorrow for your appointment?” Will asked instead. Jay shrugged. “Voight I guess, why?” “Can I take you instead?” Will asked. “You’d have to ask Voight. Where are you staying anyway?” Jay replied. “Oh just some hotel downtown. Let me run it by Voight. Be right back,” Will stood up and exited Jay’s room. Jay exhaled and ran his hands through his hair. He was glad that Will was here, he really was. But it was just a little overwhelming. He was still a bit worked up over the confrontation at the store and he really needed to deal with his residual limb sooner rather than later. But he didn’t want to do that with Will here. “Okay so Hank will give you a ride to the hospital on his way to work. I’ll meet you there and give you a ride back once we finish,” Will said as he returned from the living room. Jay nodded. Something was bugging him. “Listen Will. Don’t take this the wrong way. But I thought Hailey called you almost a week ago. Why are you here just now?” Jay asked his brother. He must have worded it wrong because Will didn’t appreciate the question at all. “Wow. That’s so rich coming from you. You should have called me yourself if you wanted to hear from me sooner. I have things that needed to be sorted out, okay?” Will said with a slight raised voice. “Natalie’s pregnant.” Jay stared at Will with a wide smile. “Wait, she is? That’s great news, Will! You should have told me! I’m going to be an uncle,” Jay said with excitement as he stood up to give Will a small hug. But Will held out his hand in front of him. “When was I supposed to tell you? I tried calling before. Texted and emailed. You didn’t answer - and I get that you couldn’t for a while. But you could have called eventually. You still haven’t. So tell me, when was I supposed to let you know?” Jay didn’t have an answer to that. “I think it’s time I leave. I’ll wait for you… wherever your appointment is. I’ll find it. Doctor Garcia, right?” Will confirmed. Jay nodded and watched as his brother left. 

Hank watched as Will almost stormed out of his apartment. People seemed to habe a tendency to do that. Maybe the aura of his apartment was confrontational. He left the half finished beer on the table and went over to check on Jay. He found him sitting on the couch. “You alright?” Hank asked as he walked over. Jay only shrugged. Hank stood in front of him and waited. “I couldn’t find my TENS machine. It’s probably in the bags somewhere,” Jay finally said with a quivering lip. Hank looked around and saw that Jay hadn’t unpacked much yet. He took a guess and approached one of the bags and dug through it. Nothing. He checked the next one and found the little machine in question. He turned it in his hands, he’d never seen one before. He handed it to Jay and took a seat next to him. “You mind if I stay?” he added. Jay shrugged. “Sure. Whatever,” his voice was quiet. Hank watched as Jay took the little machine out of its box and set it aside for now. He fished out some wires from the box and offered them to Hank who accepted them. Jay then rolled up the left pant of his sweatpants. He didn’t seem pleased though. “Could you help me find my shorts? I can’t do it like this,” Jay asked. The request was barely but a whisper. Hank complied and made quick work of finding him a pair of shorts. He tossed them over, and Jay quickly changed into them. With no fabric in the way anymore, Jay got to work on placing the electrodes near the base of his residual limb, to the side of his knee and on the lower thigh. He connected the wires of the electrodes to the machine itself. He fiddled with the settings and current levels. Once everything seemed to be in order, he got into a comfortable position and turned the machine on. Hank figured he’d seen enough and stood up. Jay’s eyes were closed. Hank walked to the door and took one final look. He left pulling the door shut behind him. 

Jay emerged from his room fifty minutes later. Hank was in the living room, half focused on some old action movie from the early 80s. Jay had a booklet with him when he wandered into the kitchen. His meal plans. He left the booklet on the table for now and went to join the sergeant on the couch. Jay still had sleep in his eyes. He’d dozed off for maybe half an hour. When he woke up, his leg felt somewhat better. Doctor Owens had warned him that a TENS machine may or may not bring him relief from phantom and nerve pains. It works for some, and not every time. Jay still felt some weird sensation but it wasn’t as noticeable anymore. “I was thinking about taking a bath. Is that cool or do you need to shower first?” Jay asked Hank after a long silence. Hank nodded. “I can take a quick shower after you, it’s fine. Go ahead.” Jay nodded thanks and started getting up. “Oh, actually. I left my meal booklet on the kitchen table, I’ll move it later. I got enough ingredients for you to use some for your own meals. I mean you can eat mine too. They’re just, kind of different ,” Jay told him. “Sounds fine, I’ll take a look at this book of yours later,” Hank replied and turned his attention back to the movie. Jay went to his room to grab his toiletries, a pair of boxers and a bag of epsom salts. He wrapped everything in a towel and went to the bathroom. He just barely managed to carry everything on his own. He locked the door behind him and started preparing the bath. Once he got the water perfectly hot, he poured some epsom salts into the bath and let it run while he got undressed. Voight’s bathroom wasn’t too big, so it was easy to lean on something if he needed to. He turned off the water and carefully stepped into the bath. This was another one of those hit or miss things. The epsom salts. Some swore by them while others called it complete nonsense. Jay would try anything to avoid needing painkillers. And soaking in a bath wasn’t a difficult task to do, so he didn’t mind it.  He could reach his phone from the toilet’s closed lid. He set a timer for 25 minutes. He placed the phone back on the toilet seat, leaned back and closed his eyes. The water felt good. His right hip had started aching at some point during the day, and the warm, almost hot water soothed it.

Jay’s eyes snapped open when his phone started making noise. Oh, the timer. Had the 25 minutes passed already? He must have dozed off again. At this rate he wouldn’t have any sleep left in him for the night. He needed a good night's sleep for tomorrow. He needed to be perfect for the prosthetic leg fitting. He let the water drain as he turned on the shower to wet his hair. He scrubbed himself clean in record time. Once he was done, he took a seat at the edge of the tub and toweled himself dry. He put on his boxers and shorts and used the electric razor he now kept in his toiletry bag to tidy up his beard. He placed his damp towel on one of the heated racks, put on his hoodie, gathered everything up - except for his toothbrush, that he left on the cabinet above the sink - and exited the bathroom. He passed Hank in the hall who was ready to take a shower for himself. Jay dropped off his things in his room. He searched through his bags and found a lotion that he was supposed to use on his burns after long soaks. He checked that he’d closed his door before taking a seat on the couch. He folded up the shorts’ pant leg so that it wasn’t in his way. His movements were methodical as he spread the thick lotion on the burn scars. He didn’t forget his left hand either. He sat still for a while, letting most of the lotion absorb into the skin. While he waited he worked out a plan to organize his stuff. He had plenty of closet space, and even a bookshelf. Clothes would have to wait until a later date as they were all packed up in one bag. But his stuff from the hospital, that would be doable. He decided he had waited long enough and got to work. He managed to empty all of his hospital bags and sort everything, and find places for them. It took him less time than he expected so he decided to start tackling his clothes. He started with the shoes as they were in a bag of their own. After they were all in a neat row inside one of the closets he approached the final task, the big trash bag full of clothes. He untied it and pulled out a handful. He folded everything with impressive precision and carefully considered where each piece would go. He folded a total of three handfuls until he decided it was good for now. He checked the time. A little too early for bed, somewhat late for a full dinner. A sandwich should do. He grabbed the crutches and wandered into the kitchen. He got to make and eat his sandwich in peace. He still had room for a little something so he settled on a cup of protein yogurt. Hank joined him midway through the cup. Hank was a quiet man in general, and Jay wasn’t in a mood to chitchat that often nowadays, so the duo stayed in a comfortable silence. Jay finished his snack, Hank started his. Jay put the sandwich ingredients back into the fridge. He left the dishes in the sink - Hank insisted he do that. Jay wanted to stay up a little while longer. So he went to watch some tv. Hank’s empty beer bottles were still on the table. Jay couldn’t remember the last time he had a drink. Probably in Bolivia, some weeks before… Some cop show was airing a new episode and he followed with one eye. He didn’t know the general plot well enough to stay more interested. He forced himself to watch until the second commercial break. He took that as his que to brush his teeth and head to bed. Once he finished, he passed by the kitchen. “Umm, goodnight,” he said slightly awkwardly. Hank nodded. “Sleep tight, kid.”

Chapter Text

He slept for a couple of hours, at best. He fell asleep, woke up ‘hours’ later only to realize it had been less than half an hour. Eventually he got tired (no pun intended) of tossing around and getting tangled in his sheets so he decided to get up. The clock on his nightstand showed 05.11. Interesting. Jay didn’t often see a 24-hour clock in the States. He was used to them, prefered them even. Jay remembered that Justin had been in the military as well. Explains the clock. Jay stood quietly and started getting dressed. Should he wear shorts..? It would probably be a little too cold for them, hmm. He selected a pair of pants that was a size or two too large and tied the string on the waistband extra tight. At least they’d be loose. He used his crutches as he sneaked around, hopping on one foot might make too much noise, and he didn’t want to wake up Hank. He didn’t bother changing his shirt, it smelled clean to him. If he was really careful he could probably fold some more clothes. The trash bag’s cracking and rustling was almost deafening as he tried quietly to grab some clothes. He eventually gave up and decided to just go for it. He grabbed the base of the bag and pulled up. The contents spilled to the floor. Jay almost shushed the bag. He focused his hearing but couldn’t hear anything alarming. He finished folding all of his clothes, and he silently moved around the room and made multiple trips to place everything in the closet. 05.33. He decided to pack a bag for the hospital visit. You never know. He even thought to grab a pair of shorts. He took a notebook, a pen and an assortment of random items he deemed important enough. While he searched for important items he stumbled upon the small envelope that held the pieces of Jay’s broken marriage inside it. He stared at it and fought the urge to take it. He quickly closed the drawer where he had found it. 05.39. Come on now. His phone. He could scroll through social media, catch up on the news… He returned to his bed - the creak of the floor was so loud Jay was sure the next door neighbors heard it too - and sat down with his phone. He decided to check out the playlist of massage tutorials on YouTube that doctor Owens had recommended. He saved it in his favorites, oh, he’d need to sign in to do that. He managed to figure out how to bookmark the page instead. That took him a while and today he wasn’t upset about it. He focused on local news and went back several weeks. He found a podcast named What did I miss? and it seemed to focus on international news. Jay bookmarked it as well. He’d definitely give it a listen later. He didn’t like being in the dark about what was going on, on a local, nationwide or even an international scale. It had been his job to know things for so long, the habit would likely stick until the end days. 06.01. That’s it. It was late enough. He could officially get up now. He grabbed his crutches and exited the bedroom. 

He froze when he entered the kitchen. Hank was seated, facing the kitchen door. A steaming hot cup of coffee in one hand, a newspaper in the other. He had a smirk on his face, a smirk! “Umm. Morning,” Jay managed to stutter. “Good morning. You finish rearranging your room?” Hank added and took a nonchalant sip of his coffee. Jay shook his head in disbelief. “Why didn’t you… I thought you were sleeping! I tiptoed around the room for nothing!” Jay whined. Hank just kept that stupid little smirk on his face. “There’s fresh coffee,” Hank said in such a casual way it was irritating. Jay muttered something under his breath but eventually caved as he couldn’t resist the heavenly smell of coffee. He poured himself a mug and took a seat. “Okay, seriously. When did you get up?” Hank turned pages on the newspaper. “Five. Almost every morning.” “Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself,” Jay chuckled and started getting his breakfast ready. 

Jay was giving him a headache. Like an impatient kid on Christmas Eve, unable to settle down and insisted on staying up. Jay kept pacing around and tried to find something to do. Something to clean, organize, rearrange. And honestly? Hank came so very close to snapping at him. But he managed to restrain himself at the last moment. Jay had a good reason to be like this. Hank would probably be exactly the same if not worse if he was in his shoes. Speaking of shoes… “Did you pack your other shoe?” Hank asked when Jay paced past him for the twentieth time. He stopped in his tracks. “No? Do you think I should?” he questioned with mild panic. He didn’t wait for Hank’s response and hurriedly left to fetch the shoe. Hank only shook his head at the sight. Good kid. 

“Halstead, if you ask me to go faster one more time I will pull over and you can walk the rest of the way. Don’t test me,” Hank’s voice was tense. How can someone be such a pain in the ass… Voight should have known better by now. The longer Jay had been on the team, the more he took to the role of his second guy. Especially after Al’s death. Jay was like a guard dog on his left side that kept him in check, grabbed his sleeve and yanked it with his sharp teeth if Hank took things too far. So yeah, he should have known. Halstead had always been quick to his feet, eager to take down the bad guys even if he had to solo most if not all of it. His passion was unmatchable. Jay’s passion just had a new target. “If you’d just let me drive when I suggested a few minutes ago then we would be there by now,” Jay complained. Voight grunted but didn’t slow down to stop. Empty threats, Voight. Empty threats. 

“I can walk with you just in case-,” he started but Jay interrupted him. “I can find my way but thanks.” Hank sighed. “I was going to say just in case Will isn’t here. After your fight he might not show up, that’s all,” he then finished. Ah. Jay ducked his head. “Oh. Umm, it’s fine. He said he’d come so he will. I’ll text you when I’m back home,” Jay replied, he didn’t sound fully convinced that his brother would come. “Okay then,” Hank said and watched Jay get his things, exit the car and enter the hospital. The sergeant had a bad feeling in his stomach so he decided to wait in the parking area for a few minutes. But Jay didn’t call or text or come running back to him. And since Voight’s team had been taking it easy for the last week he had to get back to the precinct. If the bad feeling he had wasn’t about Will and Jay then it had to be an upcoming case. 

— —

Will had been waiting in front of Doctor Garcia’s lab for about fifteen minutes before he saw Jay approaching. Will couldn’t help but feel sorrow when he saw Jay’s current form. His brother had always been such an active person, eager to get moving. Even as a kid, when Will wanted to read comics, Jay would come with his football and beg him to toss the ball with him. Will should have said yes more often. While Will acknowledged the technological advances made in the field of prosthetics in the past five, ten years, Jay’s life would never be the same. Should have tossed the ball with him. Will nodded at his brother when their eyes met. “Morning, Will. Umm, listen, about yesterday,” Jay greeted and started talking but Will motioned for him to stop. “Jay, it’s okay. We don’t need to do this right now. This morning is about you, we can talk later, okay? Will’s tone was firm but not unfriendly. Jay simply nodded and took a seat next to his brother. Neither said anything. “Will Halstead, is that you?” Doctor Garcia’s voice sounded from the hall. A grin spread on Will’s face as he stood to shake the doctor’s hand. “Peter, what a surprise! I saw your name in Jay’s papers but I didn’t make the connection until now. Man, good to see you!” Will said and motioned to Jay. “I’d introduce you to my brother but the two of you are old buddies already.” Jay scoffed playfully. “We’re old buddies? It seems the two of you know each other well,” he responded and stood up. Garcia chuckled as he opened the lab door for the brothers and let them in. “Well, it’s good to see you both. Jay, you can go wait in the sitting area with your brother. My coworker will join us shortly and then we can get started,” Garcia said as he disappeared between the shelves and work equipment. Jay walked ahead of Will and led them to the small sitting area. They got seated and Will observed Jay. He looked nervous, almost sweaty. He kept bouncing his right leg, and his hands went to his pockets more than a few times but he never actually grabbed anything from them. “You ready for this?” Will asked. Jay nodded, “yeah it’s just a lot. But I’m ready.” Jay finally took something from his pocket, a phone. He passed it to Will and asked “Do you umm, mind maybe take a few pictures for me?” Will nodded instantly. “Of course, brother.” 

Doctor Garcia returned with one assistant. “Okay Jay, how about we finally get this party started? You're free to keep your sweatpants but I see you brought a bag with you. If you happen to have shorts then you can also change into those. My assistant Thomas and I, we’ll go over there to the work area and you can join us in a moment when Thomas comes to fetch you. Alright?” Garcia explained and the Halstead brothers nodded. Jay got his bag and pulled out his other shoe and a pair of shorts. “Oh good, you brought your shoe! Excellent. Alright, it’ll only be a minute,” Garcia said as he left with his coworker. Jay held the shorts in his hands and hesitated. Will would see his mangled limb soon anyway, no need to be shy now. Jay let out a sigh and quickly changed into the shorts and stuffed the pants into his bag.. He handed his left shoe to Will. “You can umm, keep it for now.” The pair waited in silence, Jay too nervous to speak and Will knew his brother well enough to not try and distract him. After what felt like an eternity, Thomas the assistant returned.  “Okay Jay, we’re ready for you. Follow me,” he said and led them into a mirrored area of the lab. The area had mirrors that reached from the floor all the way to the ceiling. There were multiple railings and support panels scattered throughout. There was one of those multi-terrain areas that you sometimes see in well equipped camping stores, as well as some stairs. It all reminded Jay of an obstacle course. Thomas showed Jay to his seat, and Will stood next to Jay. “Here, you can place this liner on while Garcia does some final adjustments.” Jay did as instructed, once again watching out for trapped air between the liner and his skin. If Will had seen Jay’s scars then he didn’t comment on them. Good. Doctor Garcia approached them holding a large box. He placed it on a small table in front of Jay. “Remember Jay, this is just the temporary test piece. It looks a little bare at the moment so bear with us, okay?” Garcia said and opened the box. Jay stared, mouth slightly open, as the man lifted out a full prosthetic leg. Not just a socket, but a leg! It was indeed a bit bare, it wasn’t made to look like an actual leg and most of the parts were exposed, not covered. “I can easily adjust the length of this test leg, I got the estimated measurements already but sometimes those are off by a little,” Garcia said as he pulled up a stool and got seated in front of Jay, placing the leg on the ground. “Okay, remember how we practiced. Gently place your stump into the socket and stand up. Then, roll up the sleeve - which is now positioned correctly - all the way to your upper thigh. Then we’ll go from there, okay?” Jay nodded and carefully touched the prosthetic in front of him. He rested his hand against the socket for a while. He was so nervous. He could see Will take out his phone from the corner of his eye. Let’s do this, Jay hyped himself and grabbed the leg. He placed it close enough and slowly slid his stump into the socket. He looked at Will for encouragement. “Go on, you got this,” he said with a smile and that’s all Jay needed. Ever so carefully, he stood up. 

I’m standing. On two legs. I’m standing on two legs! He looked down at his legs and let out a wet laugh. He couldn’t stop the tears. He had to take a few breaths before he was able to bend down and roll up the sleeve. When he was done he turned to Will with the biggest of smiles. Will grabbed a picture. “Look at you, bro! You’re standing!” Will’s eyes were teary as well, his voice thick with emotion. Garcia and Thomas smiled at the sight. “Okay, Jay. Now for the next step. Literally. Try and take a step towards me in just a moment,” Garcia said as he stood up and wheeled his stool out of the way. He and Thomas moved some of the railings closer to Jay. The railings were a total of thirty feet long, and Thomas positioned one on Jay’s left side and Garcia placed another on his right. They locked all the wheels on the railings so that Jay could safely hold onto them if need be. “Thomas will set up a camera so we can record some gait data, don’t worry about it too much though. It’s just to keep track of your progress and see if there’s something we need to adjust. Just, walk toward the other end of the railings, go at your own pace, walk however you think feels best. Take your time, okay? This is not a race.” Garcia explained. “And try and focus on the socket too, if it rubs against your stump in a weird way or if something feels too loose then let me know.” Garcia added one last time and motioned for Jay to start walking. Jay almost felt lightheaded. If he was sensible then he’d probably take a seat for a second before walking. But he had waited for this day for so long, didn’t even think it would ever come. So he grabbed the railings with each hand, his knuckles were white from holding on so tightly. He carefully lifted his left leg and awkwardly placed it forward. He laughed in disbelief, tears still rolling down his cheeks. He moved his right foot and had to brace himself more as the sensation of having so much of his weight on the left side again felt odd. He tried taking a step with his left leg a bit differently than the first time. Much better. He moved forward a couple more steps. Will was to his right, was he taking a video? Jay didn’t care. He took some more steps. “Will, I’m walking. See, Will!” he managed to say. He had to let go of the railing to wipe his eyes with one hand. Will wiped his too. “I see brother. You’re doing it!” his voice shook a bit as he struggled to contain his emotions. Jay walked to the end of the railing and managed to turn around with no assistance or help. Will was so proud. Jay had found his step and almost looked confident in his walk. He wasn’t even using both hands to hold onto the railings anymore. “I don’t think the socket is too big. Maybe a little tight in one spot,” Jay said to Garcia. Garcia nodded. “Take a seat again and I’ll mark those for you.” He went to wait for Jay at the chairs and grabbed a marker from his lab coat. Jay walked back slowly, savoring each step. He reached the end of the bars again. He didn’t want to sit down yet. He could walk! Let him loose! He wants to go go go. But alas, he didn’t take off, instead he took a seat and showed Garcia the location where the socket felt too tight. “We’ll start fixing that right away. Your gait data was actually very solid. Your right leg is placed very well, which is good and oftentimes expected, and your left one was only slightly leaning inwards. That’s not a big issue, we can usually solve that quickly. But now you do have to take a seat and take off your leg so we can adjust the socket. Will here can fetch you something to drink while you wait. Will, Thomas will show you to our little kitchen. Jay, just catch your breath, relax, let yourself feel whatever it is you’re feeling right now.” Garcia waited for Jay to remove the leg. He picked it up and walked off with it. Thomas waved at Will and led him to the kitchen. Will quickly handed Jay the phone as he left. Jay was left alone. 

Jay didn’t do anything for a couple of minutes. Just let himself process what just happened. He eventually took his phone and checked the photos and videos that Will had taken. His cheeks hurt from smiling so much. So he hadn’t dreamed it, there was actual footage of him walking! He was so happy and excited and just overwhelmed. He sent the video to Hank, Kevin and Kim. He didn’t know what to write with the video so he didn’t send anything else. Just the video and two pictures of him walking. He muted his phone and placed it down. He looked at the railings longingly. His legs itched to get back up there and walk. Since he was still alone, he took the orange sea glass shards from his pocket. Twisted it between his thumb and index finger. “What’s that you got there?” Will startled him. He was carrying a small tray with snacks on it. He placed it down and borrowed Garcia’s stool to sit. Will leaned closer as Jay held the shard between his two fingers. “Oh it’s just a gift from Makayla. You know, Kim’s kid,” he responded with a shy smile. Will watched it closely but didn’t take it. “Nice. Grab something to eat, drink.” Will had a coffee for himself but there was only water and juice on the tray. “Where’s my coffee,” he complained and took the juice. “You don’t need any more, I know how much you drink every morning. Now shut up and finish your snack.” Jay grumbled a complaint. God, he was slowly turning into Voight. He grabbed an energy bar from the tray and ate it in silence. 

The next couple of hours was spent on getting the measurements on the socket and prosthesis to order. After about two hours, Jay no longer needed to rely on the railings as he walked around the hall. He was starting to get tired, his leg muscles ached from all the work but he showed no sign of slowing down. Quite the opposite, in fact. He kept asking Garcia if he could try the multi-terrain section or the stairs but he kept telling Jay “soon, almost done with the adjustments”. Jay thought it was taking too long but swallowed down his complaints. Then finally, Thomas and Garcia shared a look. “Well Jay, I think we need to do one final adjustment. It’ll take Thomas only a couple of minutes. Bear with us Jay, almost done.” Jay squinted his eyes at that. Almost done with what? He looked at Will who was also confused. He shrugged his shoulders to say ‘don’t look at me, I got no clue’. Jay took a biscuit from the snack tray and bounced his right foot impatiently. Hurry up, Thomas. “A-ha, there we go,” Thomas finally emerged, carrying a large box. What’s going on? The box was different from the one from earlier, the one that the temporary prosthesis had been in. Wait. Thomas placed the box on the table. Jay read some of the writing on its side. Wait a minute. It was the name of the prosthesis manufacturer Jay had chosen with Hank. What’s happening? Thomas opened the box and carefully took out a different prosthesis than before. “Wait,” Jay stuttered. Garcia had a wide smile on his face. “We worked all night on this. Air shipped it from the factory. I’m sorry that we led you astray but we didn’t want to make any promises we couldn’t keep. That’s why we did so much extensive work today. We needed all the data we could get. Now, you will need different sockets made while your muscles grow but that doesn’t stop you from using this one for now,” Garcia explained. Jay thought his brain short circuited or something. He didn’t know how to react. Will gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder. That snapped Jay out of it. “It’s really mine?” he asked Garcia. The doctor nodded. “Would you like to try it out? This one’s quite different from the test version, you’ll notice. But different in a good way.” Jay quickly nodded and took the leg from Thomas. He had to place his liner twice because he kept rushing and trapping too much air inside it. When it was finally placed correctly, he placed his stump inside the socket. They had adjusted the socket several times throughout the morning and now it felt practically perfect. Jay stood and rolled up his sleeve. “Now, as you know, this one has a microprocessor-controlled hydraulic ankle. The earlier one didn’t. You’ll be able to tell the difference instantly, so you may need to use the railings at first to get the hang of things,” Garcia explained then gave Jay permission to try walking. Just to please Garcia, Jay held onto the railing with one hand and stepped forward. Woah. The difference was insane. While this prosthetic was heavier than the other, it wasn’t uncomfortably so. He took a few more steps and turned to Garcia. “Doc, you weren’t kidding. It’s almost… smooth” Jay sounded happy, happier than in a long time. “Thanks to the microprocessor we can fully program the prosthetic to match your individual needs. You can even make some adjustments with a mobile app. Thomas is gathering some data, you can go ahead and walk around if you like.” Garcia observed as Jay walked back and forth next to the railings. “You can try a few careful running steps. You hear me, carefully,” Garcia emphasized and Jay chuckled. Jay did take it easy as he tried a faster pace. It felt good. He felt alive. He walked to Will and proceeded to half-body slam into him and devour him into a hug. Aah, this is amazing! Will hugged him back once he recovered from Jay’s mini-tackle. Garcia noticed Jay’s phone on one of the chairs and he sneakily grabbed it and took a picture of the brothers. 

They decided to call it a day slightly after midday. Jay was exhausted and couldn’t hide the fact anymore. And everyone was starving. “So, Jay. This isn’t usually what we do with our patients. But. I’m leaning towards making an exception. I checked and you have two appointments here at Med later this week. If, and only if you stop by at the lab on those days then I will allow you to leave with the prosthetic leg today. You cannot overdo it though. Don’t use it for more than twenty minutes at a time, and don’t use it for more than a total of two hours per day. I’m serious Jay, you have to take these limitations seriously or you can set back your progress significantly. Unless you can promise me with absolute certainty that you’ll follow these rules then you will leave the leg here and we’ll continue from there,” Garcia said with a firm tone. He wasn’t messing about. Jay considered the rules. Who the hell cares how long per day, I got a leg! I can walk. “I promise, doc,” Jay finally answered. His brain felt like it had been shoved into a blender and mixed into soup. He was so overwhelmed, overstimulated and exhausted. But he really wanted to leave with the leg today. “Umm, I’m staying with a friend at the moment. They can like, keep me in line or whatever. And I’m set to meet up with other friends. I have a small support system now. I promise, I’ll do whatever it takes,” Jay continued and Garcia seemed pleased, just barely. “Don’t try cheating, okay? I’ll know if you overdo it. You should also occasionally use at least one crutch just to help your residual limb adjust. I left you a little pamphlet earlier, it’s by your bag. Well! If you don’t have any questions then you’re free to go. Because you’ve used the prosthetic a lot today I recommend you don’t use it for more than an hour. And that’s the absolute maximum, the lesser the better.” Will went to fetch Jay’s bag as Jay exchanged some quick words with Garcia and Thomas. “I got your crutches too, I’ll be just outside,” Will said and exited the lab. Will didn’t have to wait for long, Jay exited shortly as well and the pair started making their way to Will’s car. 

“You want to stop for lunch?” Will asked after they’d been driving for a couple of minutes. Jay thought about stopping by the 21st but decided against it. He wasn’t ready to face all the people he used to work with and have them see him like this. Most of them probably didn’t even know Jay was back or that he’d been badly injured. So dropping by wearing a prosthetic leg with shorts… not happening today. Somehow, the last time when he stopped by, not that many people stared or approached him to talk. “Lunch sounds good I guess,” Jay eventually answered. He could deal with a restaurant, right? Right? Will must have sensed his insecurities as he drove further from the city center to a quieter neighborhood. It helped that it was also just past the busiest lunch hour. Will picked out a small diner that didn’t have too many cars in the parking lot. Jay dug through his bag and found his brand new disabled parking permit. He did not want a repeat of the last time he went out. He hung it from the rear view mirror and Will parked as close to the entrance as he could. “You need your crutches?” Will asked but Jay shook his head. “I’m good. Seems like a short walk. Can we just, wait for a moment before we go?” Jay asked shyly. He’d been thriving in the safe lab environment but out here in the real world? Fully exposed? He needed a minute to hype himself up. Will waited patiently, giving him as long as he needed. When Jay felt as ready as he thought he’d be, he opened the door and carefully lifted his legs out the car. Two feet hit the ground. It’d been close to five months since he’d last put two feet on the ground when exiting a vehicle. God, this is going to be a thing now, huh? Five months since I did X with two feet. Jay chuckled at his silly thoughts and used the car door to haul himself up. Will’s car model was kind of low to the ground so it was harder for him to exit it. He stood still for a second, just enjoying the moment. Will circled the car and waited near him, just in case. They locked eyes and shared a smile. “I’m so proud of you, you know that, right?” Will suddenly said. “I love you, I do but if you make me cry in the diner parking lot then no one will ever find your body,” Jay teased as he took a few steps. Will’s hands almost shot up at that, ready to help steady him or stop him from falling. Jay fondly rolled his eyes and the brothers walked into the diner. 

Jay’d never been there before. He was used to staying in his little bubble when he’d worked as a cop. He simply didn’t have the time to wander and explore the hidden gems of the city. Chicago had lots to offer. Maybe now he finally had the time. Jay and Will took a seat at the first booth from the entrance. Jay made sure to sit with his left side to the window. That way people walking by their table were less likely to notice his leg. The place was almost empty, Jay was pleased. While it helped being in a location where it was unlikely that anyone would recognize him, Jay was still a bit anxious and self conscious. He worried that he’d get called out for wearing shorts as if he wanted people to know he had a prosthetic. Especially since it wasn’t exactly shorts and t-shirts kind of weather yet. He avoided eye contact with the waitress while he ordered his meal. Will didn’t judge him for any of it. Just sent him a soft smile here and there, encouraging nod every once in a while. “You doing okay?” Will asked while they waited for their meals. “Yeah, I just don’t want people to stare. I didn’t think to put my pants back on. Like, I know people will stare sometimes out of curiosity and some will ask what happened, but I just don’t want to deal with that yet. You know?” Jay explained quietly, worried that someone overheard them. Will nodded his head as Jay spoke. “I’ll shoo them off if anyone approaches us today,” he promised. 

Lunch went without incident. No one stared or said anything as the brothers exited the diner after paying for their meals. They wasted no time in getting back into Will’s car and driving back to Voight’s apartment. Jay was beat. He wanted to fall to his face and sleep for a day. They made plans to meet again later that week and talk things through. Jay offered to just talk today but Will declined and said Jay needed his rest. Jay was secretly pleased that Will suggested another day. They walked together all the way to Voight’s apartment - Jay had said that he’d manage on his own but Will brushed him off. Only when Jay was sitting on his bed without his prosthetic leg was Will satisfied enough to leave. “Remember what the doc said. Don’t overdo it. Rest up and do your stretches!” Will shouted over his shoulder as he left. Jay felt sleep tugging his eyelids shut so he decided to check his phone real quick before a short nap. He had at least a dozen messages from his former team. Right, responses to the photos and videos. He’d deal with them later. Now, he’d sleep. 

Chapter Text

Jay was in the kitchen cooking one of the meals from his meal book when Hank came home later that day. “Would it hurt to check your phone every once in a while?” Hank grumbled as he joined Jay. “None of them got any work done since your photos, then they got all upset and worried when you didn’t reply.” Jay just smiled awkwardly. “Sorry, I meant to reply but then I fell asleep and woke up hungry,” Jay explained. Hank seemed disappointed? Maybe because Jay wasn’t wearing his leg. “Umm, it’s in my room if you want to see it. I’m under strict orders to not wear it anymore,” Jay said after he noticed Hank staring at him, or rather his legs. “Why give you a leg if you can’t use it?” Hank didn’t get it. “Oh, it’s just because I already used it so much today. I had it on earlier. I can’t use it for more than two hours per day,” Jay explained. “For how long? Or do you need to, charge it or something?” Hank still didn’t get it. “It’s just temporary until I get in better shape. Hence the importance of these meals,” Jay continued. Hank finally nodded in understanding. He walked away, presumably to Jay’s room to take a look at the prosthetic. Jay would have followed but he didn’t want to burn the sauce. He might have even put it on for a few minutes to show Hank some of its features. It had an adjusting foot with all sorts of support systems, he’d tell him about them later. Although Hank probably remembered from reading the pamphlets with him. He’d tell him anyway. Hank came back after a while. “Can I help?” he asked. Jay stared for a moment before recovering. “Sure, if you want. There’s a salad recipe in the book, the page’s open,” Jay said. “You need a recipe for a salad?” Hank couldn’t help but ask. Jay only shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, check it out.”

“Do you think they’d like it?” Jay suddenly asked as they were eating dinner. “What, your cooking?” Hank asked. When Jay didn’t respond, Hank took it as a yes. “They eat anything you put in front of them. But yes, they would like your cooking.” “Wait what? No. If I came by tomorrow,” Jay eventually replied. Oh. “As if you didn’t already know the answer. You saw their messages. You can ride with me, I’m starting at eight.” Alright then. That’s decided. “I can’t stay the whole day though. Two hours per day, remember?” Jay reminded the older man. “Even if you sit in my office until lunch?” Hank asked and Jay actually didn’t know the answer. “Maybe that’s fine. As long as someone can take me home around noon,” Jay settled on answering. “They all want to drive you back,” Hank reminded him. “Yeah, to see where you live. Kevin already snooped around when he was here yesterday.” Hank did not seem happy about that. “I’m driving you back myself.” Jay laughed at Hank’s displeasure. “Did you already do your stretches? The doc told Kevin to tell me to make sure you keep up with your schedule,” Hank changed the subject. Jay hadn’t. “Do them right after dinner then,” Hank ordered and Jay didn’t argue back. They ate in silence for a while. “How was it, walking again?” Hank eventually asked. He’d been wanting to ask for a while now but couldn’t find the right words. A fond smile spread on Jay’s face upon hearing Voight’s question. “I was in a dark place, as you know. Before. Thought my life was over or something. I felt alive today, for the first time since they took it. I know it’ll never be like it was but umm, you know, I’m hopeful now,” Jay answered truthfully. It felt odd to be that honest about feelings and emotions. Hank gave him a small huff as a reply. 

— —

The following morning was a blur to Jay. He was so nervous. Why did he keep thinking that going to the precinct was a good idea..? At least he’d get to see Trudy again. His unwavering supporter. But the reason for most of his anxiety was Hailey Upton. He knew she’d be there. Their last encounter was not pleasant for either of them, especially Jay. Could he just, show up at her workplace and pretend that they were okay? They were so far from okay as was physically and emotionally possible. He thought that maybe he should start giving her some space and leave her alone while she was just trying to do her job. He almost felt like the creepy ex-husband that couldn’t accept the divorce. But he wasn’t that guy. He had accepted it a long time ago. Did he still love her? Yes. Did he want what’s best for her? Also yes. Was he fully over her? … Ask him at a later date, ok? He’s working on it. 

And yet here he was, getting ready to leave for the precinct. Hank had been ready to leave for almost ten minutes now, but Jay was still in his room. He was fully dressed except for his pants and shoes. He held the stump liner in his hands, stared at the prosthetic leg before him. Suddenly he couldn’t put it on. He tried, several times. But each time the liner would feel off or the socket felt different or… something wasn’t right. Hank really needed to get going soon, so he knocked on Jay’s door. He didn’t answer. “Jay, you ready?” Hank’s voice sounded. Jay couldn’t answer. He opened his mouth to speak but no sound came out. He didn’t want to do this. They’d all be staring at him, asking a million questions, comparing him to who he used to be before Bolivia. He couldn’t go. Wouldn’t. He flinched violently when the door to his room creaked open. When did his breathing start getting so rapid? Hank’s mouth was moving but Jay couldn’t hear anything. Anything besides blood rushing through his ears. Hank stood in front of him now, knelt down. He was still speaking and Jay still couldn’t hear him. His hands shook and he didn’t feel so good. Jay closed his eyes. 

“- ar me? Jay? Can you hear me?” Jay blinked slowly and focused on Hank who was still kneeling in front of him. Wait, Jay actually heard him this time. He nodded his head. His breathing felt a lot calmer. His hands were steadier. “You back with me?” Hank asked. Jay nodded again. “Good, we need to leave now,” Hank replied and stood up. He didn’t seem impatient, more like he was trying to be encouraging. He wasn’t doing a very good job at it though.  Jay nodded, out of instinct more than anything. What the hell… a panic attack? Anxiety attack? Jay thought to himself as he grabbed the liner that had fallen to the floor at some point. Under Hank’s watchful eyes, Jay finally managed to put on the liner without feeling like his skin was burning. And suddenly the socket didn’t feel wrong either. Jay stood up and steadied himself against Hank who luckily was close enough. Hank only nodded, seemingly unphased. Jay rolled up the sleeve and looked at Hank with a small smile. Hank was the first person to see him with his leg, the first person he’d worked with that is. Hank gave him an approving pat on the arm. “That’s good, Halstead. You ready?” he really wasn’t good at comforting words. Jay took a couple of steps to test out how his prosthetic leg felt. Seemed good, like it had yesterday. Jay checked the pockets of his hoodie and found both sea glass shards in place. He grabbed his crutches just in case and nodded to Hank. Hank grunted as if to say ‘good, let’s go.’ and he left Jay’s room and held the front door open for Jay. “After you,” he said. One foot in front of the other. It’ll all be fine, Halstead. 

— —

Jay exited Hank’s car at the 21st. He was holding his crutches and considered leaving them in the car. But that was just a bad idea all around. “Here, I’ll carry those,” Hank saved him the trouble of figuring it out. “You want to walk in on your own, right? But don’t want to leave them here. So give them here.” Jay was thankful that he didn’t have to ask, he probably wouldn’t have. It meant a lot to him, being able to enter the building on his own two feet again. This was his foot now after all. “Thanks,” Jay simply said as he handed over the crutches. Hank started walking toward the main entrance. He often used the back door but today was a main entrance day. Hank glanced over his shoulder a couple of times. Jay was walking a few steps behind him. Jay’s sweatpants and shoes were able to hide his prosthetic almost completely. You could just barely make out the top part of the foot inside his sneaker before his pant leg hid the rest. Hank reached the door and held it open for him. “Go on, give Trudy one hell of a surprise. We didn’t tell her yesterday,” Hank said and Jay stopped. “Really? Wow,” was all he managed. Guess it’s showtime. Give them hell, Halstead. Jay took a step and entered the precinct. Two cops in the hall didn’t recognize him, good. He was able to reach Trudy’s desk without her noticing. He put his hands in his pockets and just stood there. It felt good. “Morning, Platt,” Jay tried to sound as casual as possible. The desk sergeant turned around at his voice. She stared, blinked, almost rubbed her eyes. “Chuckles? What are you doi-,” Platt started but stopped when a literal yelp escaped her lips. A few officers nearby turned to look, probably expecting danger. Jay slowly took his hands out of his pockets, just in case. Trudy walked around the desk and looked at Jay. “Look at you! Why didn’t you tell me?” she playfully shoved his shoulder. She seemed emotional, so unlike her. Jay gave her a wide smile. “Surprise, I guess,” he chuckled. A fitting nickname. Chuckles, Hank thought. He’d been hanging back and let the scene unfold on its own. He gave Jay a wave as he walked past him toward the bullpen. “Trudy, buzz him in once the two of you are done, will you?” he said as he disappeared into the stairs with Jay’s crutches. Jay gave Trudy a small rundown of how his doctors had surprised him with his permanent leg - even if the socket wasn’t the final one. Jay, mindful of his limited ‘leg time’ started walking towards the elevator. He hadn’t tried to walk that many stairs yet and he didn’t want to risk tripping. Trudy used her keycard to let Jay in the elevator. He stepped in and was glad to realize he had it to himself. A short moment to catch his breath and prepare for the team. The elevator stopped with a ding and the doors slid open. 

Everyone was waiting for him. Really. They must have put two and two together when Voight walked in with his crutches. Jay was barely out of the elevator when Kim slammed into him and hugged him. Kevin and Adam joined suit and together the four of them were in a group hug. Jay was able to look further to the bullpen. Upton and Torres weren’t there. “Let him breathe!” Hank quipped from his office. He was leaning against the doorframe as he often does and observed the team. After some quick laughs, the detectives let go of Jay. Everyone wanted to congratulate and question him at the same time, so Jay had to raise his hands to get them to listen. “Can I at least take a seat before you interview me?” he rubbed his neck and smiled. Now everyone wanted Jay to sit at their desk. Jay got ready to take a step and start walking; the team stood back and watched in awe as he took his first steps in front of them. Cheers and claps erupted at the sight. Jay ducked his head, cheeks red as he walked to Kevin’s desk, all by himself. He didn’t want to sit down just yet, but he acknowledged that he probably shouldn’t fully stand either so he leaned against the desk instead. That way most of his weight wasn’t on his legs. 

The team - minus Torres and Upton - spent the next half an hour gushing over Jay and his new leg. They talked, laughed, maybe even cried a little. Adam eventually asked if he could show them the leg. It was the moment Jay had been most worried about. He knew that they wouldn’t be mean or anything, it was only natural to be interested. He nodded yes to Adam and raised his leg to reach the end of the pant leg. He was wearing loose fitting sweatpants as usual, so it was easy to pull the pant leg up just past his knee. All three of his former teammates leaned in to take a better look. Jay waited, anxious, nervous. For them to comment on it, approve it. “Robocop,” Voight suddenly called out. Everyone was startled, not just Jay. “I remember thinking a few days ago now that if Halstead ever rejoined the department then he’d be Robocop.” Everyone stayed silent and turned to Jay to see how they were supposed to react. Jay had a pained smile on his face. “I doubt they’d let me come back like this. You know, a reliability and a safety concern,” Jay mumbled his response. “You’d be the most badass cop in the city though. Literal Robocop,” Adam said under his breath but loud enough that everyone but Voight heard it. Jay chuckled and Kim smacked Adam’s arm. Kevin was thoughtful. “Wait. You sound like you want to come back,” he wondered out loud. Jay shrugged. Kim sensed it wasn’t a topic Jay wanted to focus on. “I think it looks good. Your leg I mean,” she said before any of the men could ask Jay more about work. Jay gave her a thankful smile. Kevin and Adam took the hint and gave a few rushed compliments as well. Jay sighed in relief. They weren’t mean or insensitive. All was well. “Can you like, do most things with the leg on? You didn’t take the stairs,” Kevin asked after a while. Jay’s eyes sparkled up. “Like I said earlier, this one can do almost anything. The docs still need to collect some more data so they can program it even further to match my umm, style of walking I think? I haven’t downloaded the app yet to see what I can program myself,” Jay explained, he sounded so excited and proud. For good reason. They attempted to ask Jay more about the programming and personalization but Jay didn’t know the stuff behind the tech. I wish Mouse was here… he’d know, Jay thought. 

“Alright, guys. We have a scene to check out. Vest up, we leave in 15. Halstead, my office,” Voight eventually called out. Nostalgia washed over Jay. How many times had he been called to sarge’s office over the years? It made something within him ache. Kevin had hit a nerve when he asked him about wanting to return to work. Of course he wanted to. But what good would admitting that do? Jay left the pant leg on his left side up as he’d rolled and folded it nicely into place earlier. He went over to Voight’s office. “Yeah, sarge?” he said out of habit. Hank motioned for him to close the door. Jay decided to stay standing. “Torres and Upton were running something together, we’re going to stop by and check it out. You can wait here in my office or go sit with Trudy.” Jay considered the options. Doctor Garcia’s words rang through his mind. “Here’s fine. Will you be gone for long?” Jay replied and already headed to the couch. “Two hours, maybe. We’re bringing lunch. You want to eat with us?” Voight asked, more out of politeness than anything. They’d bring him lunch anyway. “Umm, sure. I guess. Can you select something for me? You’re the only one who even vaguely knows my meal plan,” Jay requested quietly. He hated having to rely on everyone this much. Even such a small thing like picking out a meal for him seemed like a huge ask. He just wanted things to be the way they were. With Jay being independent and self-sufficient. Voight simply nodded to Jay’s request and made his way out of the office and toward the rest of the team. Jay watched from Voight’s office as they quickly went through the case and what they knew so far, and what to expect at the scene. As they were getting ready to leave, each member turned to Jay and waved him goodbye. Jay slowly waved back. He wanted so badly to run after them, ask if he could come with them, even just to sit in the car. But he didn’t. He had to let go. It wouldn’t do him any good if he kept on wallowing in the past. I don’t think I should come back here again. It’s just not worth the heartache, Jay thought once the team had vanished from view. 

— —

Hailey was beat. She and Torres had been surveying a suspect in the double homicide from last week since five this morning. It had been mostly uneventful, and for some reason Torres kept trying to talk about Halstead. She was so tired of being reminded of him so often lately. So she might have snapped at Torres a little too harshly.  But that’s what you get for being a dumb idiot who can’t take no for an answer. Her patience was already short from yesterday, when  Halstead apparently had his first steps with a prosthetic leg. She was happy for him, she really was. She just wanted  Halstead to exist somewhere outside Hailey’s little bubble. She’d left to do inventory when the team kept rewatching one of the videos he’d sent. And today, with Torres being an unhelpful idiot, Hailey had eventually called Voight to ask if they could stop by and relieve her. She’d been vague about her reasons, Voight lived with Halstead for fuck’s sake, he wouldn’t understand her side even if she tried. But luckily Hank didn’t question her at all, he seemed a little too eager to come over. I swear if he brings Halstead with him… she thought as the team’s cars pulled up. She and Torres exited the surveillance car and approached them. They stood in a semicircle and Voight started speaking. “Okay listen. Based on what we know so far, we can go ahead and snatch this guy. Upton, you’re free to go. Get started with your report, we’ll deal with this here.” She didn’t need to be told twice. She hopped in one of the cars and drove off. 

— —

Jay had gotten bored in Voight’s office after 20 minutes. He’d been a good patient and took off his prosthetic after the team had left, but now it’d been a while. He put away his phone and busied himself with putting on the prosthetic again. By now Jay was efficient enough and managed it quite fast. Maybe one day it would feel like simply putting on your shoe. Regular, no biggie. He took a test step and was satisfied with how it felt. Maybe I’ll go see Trudy, she’d like that, Jay thought and opened the office door. He took a couple of steps forward but stopped in his tracks. Hailey. She was just walking up the stairs and hadn’t noticed him yet. What should he do, try and hide? No, don’t be weird. He decided to stay put and follow her lead. She eventually noticed him and their eyes locked. “Halstead,” she let out a gasp. Hailey hadn’t personally seen the photos of videos yesterday, Jay didn’t send her any and she hadn’t asked the team to show. So while she knew that Halstead had tried on a prosthetic, she actually had no idea that he had gotten one to keep and wear. But here he was, standing in front of her on his own two feet. For a while she thought she was dreaming, Jay’s pants covered the fake leg almost completely, so it felt like Jay never lost a leg in the first place. “Umm, hi Hailey,” Jay replied with uncertain words. She didn’t do anything, just stared. “You alright? Where’s the rest of the team?” Jay asked and took a few steps closer but Hailey stumbled back. “You... you’re walking,” she managed to stutter out. Jay stopped and smiled awkwardly. Then he noticed the almost distraught look on her face. “Do you umm, need me to leave?” Jay asked carefully. He didn’t know why but his presence was clearly upsetting her deeply. She nodded her head and stormed past him. Jay thought he saw tears in her eyes but he wasn’t sure. Jay looked back toward the office. His crutches were there but he didn’t want to disturb Hailey any more than he already had. So he decided to use the stairs and leave her alone. It was slow going and he stayed close to the wall the entire time but he managed to make it downstairs without tripping. The leg was so smooth under each step, he couldn’t believe it. It was as it stabilized him every time he took a step down, and braced him when the foot touched the step. He noticed Trudy was just about to leave for her lunch break so he quickly caught up with her. “Umm, Trudy. I need a ride back to Voight’s. Could you..?” Jay started but couldn’t finish as Trudy stopped him. “Come on, let’s go,” she said immediately, no questions asked. Jay smiled at her and gave her a quiet “thanks”. They promptly exited the building, she seemed to sense that Jay was in a rush, and soon they were exiting the parking lot.

Trudy gave him a quick look. “Upton scare you off?” she asked. Jay shook his head. “Umm, I think I scared her? I’m not sure. She might have been crying when I left,” Jay explained quietly, holding his head low in shame. He’d done exactly the opposite of what he wanted to do for Hailey. He wanted to make her comfortable, respect her workplace and it all backfired massively. “What do you mean she was crying? What did you say?” Trudy asked in disbelief. Hailey wasn’t one to cry over small things, she held her emotions in check while working. “I barely said anything! Just stood there and was on my way to see you,” Jay was confused. He really had no idea why she was so upset. “Maybe it had something to do with the case, I don’t know. She seemed really upset, I asked if she wanted me to leave and she nodded, stormed past me crying. So I left.” Trudy was puzzled, she didn’t understand either. “Do we need to stop somewhere to buy lunch?” Trudy eventually asked. Jay shook his head. They drove the rest of the way in silence. 

— —

Hailey stood alone in the restroom. She’d splashed cold water on her face to wash away the tears. She wished it would wash away her emotions too. God, Halstead was unbelievable. How was he still able to mess with her like that? She didn’t care about him anymore. She shouldn’t be behaving like this. Unless… NO! They were over. No second chances. Hailey opened her hair and tied it again in an attempt to make herself presentable to the team, they should be here any minute if they weren’t already. She sighed in frustration, she hadn’t even been able to think about the report. Voight was going to be disappointed. She dried her face and returned to the bullpen. The team wasn’t there yet. Good. She quickly sat by her desk and opened her computer to at least look like she was working on the report. She stared at the blank program in front of her but all she could think about was him. That’s it. We need to talk. This can’t go on forever. She managed to add the date and title to the report before her team started returning. Kim and Adam had bags of food with them, Dante and Kevin escorted their murder suspect to the holding area. Voight returned last and went straight to his office. He turned around after he realized it was empty. “Upton, where’s Jay?” he asked. She… wasn’t sure how to answer. “He left. About ten minutes ago.” “Left where?” Hank demanded. “Home? I don’t know I’m not his babysitter anymore,” she scoffed back. Voight walked over to her desk and crossed his arms. “What happened?” The rest of the team had their attention on them. “Nothing. He just stood there, we said hi and then he left.” Hank wasn’t buying it. “And he left his crutches here? Don’t lie to me. What happened?” he asked again. Hailey held her head high and didn’t crumble under Hank’s demanding stare. “I told you. We spoke. He left.” Hank stared at her a bit longer until he grumbled and retreated back to his office. “What was that about?” Kim asked. “Nothing. What’s for lunch, I’m starving,” Hailey replied quickly. Adam and Kim shared a doubtful look but they were too hungry to press for more details. For now…

— —

“Did you make this?” Trudy was impressed. She’d taken one bite of the meal in front of her, closed her eyes and almost moaned. It tasted heavenly, like from a restaurant. Jay’s cheeks turned red from the compliment. “I umm, only followed instructions. It’s from my meal plan book, good nutritional value and umm, helps build muscle and gain weight. So I can’t take the credit for it,” Jay and we with a shy smile. He actually liked to cook. He just didn’t have time to make advanced meals before. That would make for a good hobby now. “I had no idea you could do more than reheat meals in the microwave,” Trudy quipped. Jay only shook his head as a reply. He was feeling better already, the car ride had been tense and Jay had started wallowing in his own feelings. But Trudy’s company made everything better. “So, you ready tell me what happened?” Trudy asked. Sigh. She just had to go and ruin it. “I already told you. I wanted to see you, ran into her, she was crying and wanted me to leave,” Jay replied with a tense voice. “And I’m not buying it. There has to be more. What exactly happened?” Trudy demanded. Jay let out a frustrated breath. “I told you! I stood there, she saw me, I walked toward her, she got upset so I stopped walking. She didn’t say anything so I left after she nodded when I asked if she wanted me gone. There, that’s literally everything,” Jay finished and placed his fork down. His appetite was quickly vanishing. “She backed away when you approached her..? Did she know you’d be at the precinct?” Trudy questioned. Jay thought about it. “I don’t know? I wanted to surprise the team so I didn’t tell them beforehand. But she was on a case with Torres in the morning. I assumed that someone would have told her when they met up at the scene. But maybe they didn’t umm, maybe she didn’t know,” Jay concluded. His heart ached. He wanted to do one nice thing for his team, just one thing and it was all a disaster. “So you caught her off guard. Stood in the middle of the bullpen, barely said a word to her. Oh boy, no wonder she was upset,” Trudy said and Jay raised his brows. “But I didn’t do anything! How is it my fault?” He questioned. “Jay, think about it for a second! You were gone.  For over a year. Upton probably dreamed you came back several times. But you didn’t. She moved on. You come back missing a leg. And then she finds you at the precinct and suddenly you have two legs again. Think, Halstead, think!” Jay ducked his head in shame. Of course. It all makes sense. “Oh,” Jay managed. “Yeah, oh,” Trudy repeated sarcastically. “Listen. Don’t beat yourself up over it too much. You had good intentions. You just have a lot going on,” Trudy’s attempt at comfort was mostly unsuccessful but Jay appreciated the gesture anyway. “Thanks, Trudy,” Jay said and picked up his fork to finish his meal. 

Trudy had to leave soon after lunch as she was still on the clock. She did ask Jay about half a dozen times if he was okay or if he needed some company. Jay assured that he was good, and eventually Trudy believed her. Jay watched her leave. As soon as the front door closed, Jay hurried to his room. He was exhausted, overwhelmed and just needed a break from it all. He remembered how his doctor had prescribed him some low dosage sleep medication. He fetched the bottle and sat down on his bed, held it in his hands. The twisted the bottle between his fingers. For a split second, he considered ignoring the label and just taking a handful. But the thought was gone just as fast as it had appeared. No. He wouldn’t. He placed the bottle on his nightstand without ever opening it. He went through the process of taking off his leg. He inspected his stump after he had removed the liner. The skin was maybe slightly irritated but not terribly so. He had been wearing it a little too long today but he thought he was in the clear for now. I’ll do less tomorrow, Jay promised himself. Jay slipped under the covers and dozed off. 

Chapter Text

Jay startled awake when someone violently shook his shoulder. He blinked rapidly and soon he recognized Will’s face in front of him. “Will, what the hell?” Jay exclaimed and shoved his brother violently. Will went stumbling backwards and landed on his butt. “What the hell are you doing?” Will was furious and got up immediately. “The hell does it look like?! I was taking a nap you idiot,” Jay growled. Will grabbed the bottle of sleeping pills from the nightstand. “Oh yeah? Then explain this! I called out for you several times. What the hell’s the matter with you?” Jay stared at Will. He didn’t seriously think-? “Will. I didn’t take anything. Check the seal on the bottle. It’s not broken. Look!” Jay explained with a raised voice. Will reluctantly studied the bottle and his eyes widened as he noticed that the seal was indeed unbroken. “So you weren’t trying to..?” Will’s voice was a whisper. “No, God, Will! Who do you think I am?” Jay snapped back. “Honestly Jay? Half the time I have no clue anymore.” The brothers stared at each other, air thick with tension. “Will, come on. You know me. I would never do that to you guys,” Jay eventually said, trying to de-escalate the situation. Will scoffed. “You and I both know that’s not true though, is it?” “That’s not fair! And you know what I meant,” Jay replied. He wanted to storm off and just, be alone. But taking off with only one leg would be slow going and putting on his prosthetic would also take too long. Besides, his preferred crutches were still in Voight’s office at the 21st. So instead of storming off Jay decided to lean against the bed frame and sulk. Will sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Jay, I’m just worried about you. Were you seriously not trying to harm yourself?” Will asked in a slightly more calm manner. “I told you, I wouldn’t do that to you,” Jay repeated. Will squinted his eyes. “That’s not an answer though. Did you want to?” Will specified. Jay wanted to say no instantly, to ease his brother’s worries. But he found himself doubting. He stayed silent a bit too long for Will’s liking. “Jay, did you hear me?” Will asked with increasing concern. “I heard. And I didn’t. I don’t. That’s why I didn’t take any. I didn’t want to, umh, be tempted,” Jay replied with a quiet voice. All the fight in him had vanished. He hated himself for making Will worry like this. “Why are you here?” Jay suddenly asked. “Voight gave me his key. He said that there was an incident between you and Hailey? He’s tied up with work or else he’d be here himself,” Will explained. Jay scoffed. “I don’t need a babysitter. I told Trudy that. I'm fine, so you can go now. I was trying to sleep anyway so.” “Jay, you have to understand that from where I’m standing it’s pretty obvious that you’re not fine. I’m not going anywhere until we talk, okay?” Will said firmly. “I’ll go make us some coffee. We can talk in the kitchen, or you can wait here and I’ll bring the coffees.” Will left the room and soon Jay could hear cupboards opening and the cling of mugs. He didn’t have the energy for this, why was Will being an ass… a caring ass. Jay decided that they’d talk in his room. He stood up from his bed and hopped to the couch. He grabbed a thin blanket and made a burrito of himself. He also decided to take the sage green sea glass piece. The green piece was slightly bigger and thinner than the orange one, and he saved it for special occasions. He sighed and waited for Will to return.

— —

Voight was getting worried. It had been a while since Will had left the precinct with his keys. He promised to text after he’d made sure that Jay was okay. But so far Will had only texted “i’m with him now” which didn’t exactly convince Hank that Jay was okay. Trudy swore that Jay seemed fine when she left. She had been slightly offended that Hank would even suggest that she had left him when he was clearly in distress. Hank had apologized - did anyone get that on tape? - and explained that he’d had a bad feeling since yesterday and nothing had happened yet, but he could feel that something would happen sooner or later. So, Trudy had suggested that they get in touch with Will since there had been a development in the case and none of them was able to check on Jay. Will was more than happy to help, so here they were. Voight wasn’t much of a texter and he didn’t want to disturb Will so he just had to swallow his nerves and trust that Will would know how to handle his brother. 

— —

Things were going nowhere. Both Jay and Will held firmly to their respective opinions; Jay kept insisting that he was fine and Will expressed his severe concerns. Their coffees had gone cold, and the civil conversation had turned into a wild yelling match. Jay wasn’t able to convince him that the sleeping pills hadn’t been an attempt at anything other than a shorter falling asleep time. And even then, Jay. Hadn’t. Opened. It. But apparently, in Will’s mind, it didn’t matter. Will hadn’t directly called Jay suicidal but Jay despised the implications of such thing. “It’s not true Will! Sure I may not be in a good place but I’m not planning on going anywhere,” Jay said for what felt like the hundredth time. Will had started pacing around the room about five minutes ago. He didn’t stop when he talked. It was starting to annoy Jay even more than the argument itself. “Would you stop that already, god!” Jay said with frustration. Will acted like he didn’t hear him. Fucking idiot, Jay thought to himself. Time to switch to a different gear then. “I get that you’re mad but you don’t fucking need to rub it in my face how much I fucked up by leaving for Bolivia. So please just stop pacing around,” he knew it was a sucker punch to use his injuries in an argument like this. But. Will stopped pacing. His face fell and he looked like Jay had ripped his heart out. And what’s worse, Jay didn’t feel bad one bit. “Will, if you’re not going to listen to what I have to say then you’re free to leave. Your presence is not helping. I told you before, and you know from my treatment plan as well that I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow. And for the next four weeks I see her twice a week. You don’t need to wrap me in bubble wrap and lock me up in a boarded room.” Will finally looked like he was listening and understanding what Jay was saying. It was like he had heard Jay talking before but it was all white noise. Will walked over and took a seat next to Jay on the couch. He still looked absolutely crushed. “Jay, you know that was not fair. I’ll let it go for this one time. But don’t ever talk to me like that again. I thought you were dead. When you were in Bolivia. I thought you were dead when you got back from your deployment from Afghanistan all those years ago and I couldn’t reach you for weeks, months. And today, when Voight called me and almost begged me, Hank Voight begged me to come and make sure you were okay? I thought you were dead when I saw you motionless, next to a bottle of pills. Jay, you get how that looked, right?” Will’s voice was tired. Jay said nothing, waited for him to continue. There was always more with him. “You let me read through your treatment plan. But that only left me with more questions than answers. I have no idea what happened to you. How can I know that they’re going to fix you up, make you better if I don’t even understand what’s wrong?” “Will, they can’t fix me! They can’t fix this. They can’t grow me a new leg, they can’t erase the memories from my head and wipe the PTSD away. They can’t even bring my feeling back in my left hand. How could they possibly fix me?” Jay let out a sad cry. “You know I could have killed you earlier, right? I already tried with Voight last week. When you woke me up, you were damn lucky I somehow felt safe enough that I didn’t automatically presume that you were a target that needed to be eliminated. Voight? He wasn’t so lucky and the only reason he didn’t end up in a hospital bed was because I’m so badly messed up,” Jay spat out the words. He’d been terrified when he realized that Will had woken him up by touching him. He couldn’t have lived with himself if he hurt his own brother, the father of his unborn niece or nephew. “Then talk to me Jay! Tell me what happened, make me understand so you don’t have to worry about me doing something wrong simply because I didn’t know any better,” Will responded. Hmm. They were actually making progress now. Jay sighed and leaned back, let his head hit the top of the couch. He could show him his medical records, the one he had shown Hank last week. But what would it cost? Will was so much more innocent, more pure than Voight. How could he let him witness all the horrors that he’d been through? That isn’t for you to decide, a small voice said in Jay’s head. You crave independence. Let Will decide for himself. Jay glanced at Will. He still looked sad. Could Jay handle it if he was the reason Will became even more sad… Only one way to find out. 

Jay stood in front of his closet. He’d dug through his pile of shirts and found the stashed file. He held it carefully as if he might get bitten by it. He still hadn’t gone through it. But he knew. He kept downplaying it every time, lied through his teeth saying that he couldn’t remember much. That he’d been too delirious, too messed up in the head to remember most of it. But it was all a lie. He remembered. He slowly turned around and faced Will. “I don’t want to show this to you. I don’t think it’s fair. You don’t need this in your head. But I hate it when people make decisions for me. So I won’t decide for you,” Jay said as he hopped back to the couch. He insisted that he fetch the file himself when Will asked. Jay got seated and looked at Will again. “Voight is the only one beside you that even knows this file exists. I’ve told glimpses of… Bolivia to my team but they don’t know everything. He didn’t finish reading the file. Voight I mean. You don’t have to read it. I don’t think you should,” Jay finished and held out the file for Will. Will hesitated for so long that Jay actually thought he wouldn’t take it. But he was wrong. Will took the file. 

Jason Halstead. Will stared at the cover of the file. “I still don’t understand why you never let people call you Jason,” Will wondered. He couldn’t believe he had taken the file. But he couldn’t back down now. After all the fighting Will had to prove that he was there for him. “I just don’t think I’m Jason. I’m Jay, like I’ve always been,” Jay answered. Will sent Jay a small, nervous smile and opened the file. The table of contents alone was a heavy read. Will physically paled when he noticed that there would be photo evidence. Evidence that was several pages long. But he needed to understand. The first few pages were just establishing that Jay was trying to file for insurance, so Will sped through those until a mostly empty page was in front of him. It was simply titled ‘The Descriptions’. Will found that extremely disturbing. “Oh, that’s kind of like ummm, it grabs your attention so you know that the next page is, you know, not light reading,” Jay replied softly when he noticed the almost blank page. “I thought you haven’t gone through it?” Will asked. Jay shrugged. “I haven’t. But I was there when they typed it.” Will nodded and turned his attention back to the file. Maybe it’s good I ate a light lunch today… he thought ss he flipped the page. Will didn’t fully mean to do it, but he tried to take a medical approach to it. Treat it like a case he’d have at work… seemed like a solid idea. At first it wasn’t so bad. Will had expected Jay to be dehydrated, sleep deprived and malnourished. Will knew the associated risks that came with each of those conditions. He’d expected yet feared the beatings, fractured ribs and several bruises and contusions. A fractured eye socket wasn’t uncommon in cases of repetitive beatings, so that didn’t shock him too either. He’d seen the scars on Jay’s arms so he knew about the knife wounds. The whipping caught him off guard but it hadn’t apparently been severe. He had to close the file for a while when he got to the part about the tar-like substance. Jay was doing his best to avoid looking at Will’s reactions. Will opened the file again after he’d looked at Jay long enough to convince himself that he was here and that he was (mostly) okay. Will’s approach of ‘treat it like a random case at work’ started slowly shattering the more he read about the abuse to Jay’s left leg. The acid, the cigarettes… tar? Beatings so severe that literal bones were sticking through his skin? Will quickly turned the page. “I don’t get it… did they have some sick foot fetish or what? Why do all that to a leg?” Will couldn’t help but ask.  Jay shifted uncomfortably. “Umm, it was my fault. I tried to, you know. Escape. Many times. I almost did once. I was almost home free but their dog saw me. So they made sure that I couldn’t do that again. Run away,” Jay explained in painful words. I guess.. that makes sense if you’re sick in the head ten different ways.. wait. Will’s inner monologue was interrupted by a realization. “Is that why you blame yourself for all this? Because you tried to escape? Jay you know it wasn’t on you. You did nothing wrong and it’s not your fault,” Will said in an absolute manner. Jay let out a small huff but didn’t react in any other way. Just kept staring at something on his nightstand. Will decided to leave him be and returned to the file. He read through everything. He had to, for Jay. But his uncertainty grew when he realized that the next chapter was titled ‘the photograph evidence’. He summoned all of his strength and then some. And he turned the page. It started out mild and slowly got worse. Will wondered if it was an intentional design choice. It definitely kept the anxiety getting worse and worse. Each image was more brutal than the last. Will had seen almost everything as a doctor. But his own brother? Hurt like this? Will tried to fight the tears in his eyes but it was a lost cause. At least he wiped them away before they stained the file. “How are you not dead..?” Will’s voice shook. He was almost at the end of the file, he didn’t want to continue anymore but his eyes were glued to the file. Will didn’t expect Jay to say anything so he was startled when his brother spoke. “I did. Twice. Not sure if it’s in the file. But I did,” Jay responded. His voice was steady, Will couldn’t hear a hint of emotion in it. It made Will’s hairs stand up. How is he so casual about this? Will didn’t get it. His hands kept flipping the pages and his eyes kept looking. He hadn’t been reading the short descriptions under each image, he had to draw the line somewhere. When will this end? Will thought as he turned to the next page. 

Jay should have stopped Will. This wasn’t worth it. He hated seeing his brother cry because of him, and the emotional distress grew worse for Will the more he saw on the file. But Jay couldn’t intervene. He knew that Will was going through the photograph evidence, and he couldn’t risk getting even a glimpse of his injuries by trying to take the file from Will. So Jay kept looking elsewhere. Will chose this himself. It wasn’t on Jay anymore. “Why did they even take all these photos?” Will suddenly asked. Jay dared a quick glance at his brother’s direction. The file seemed to be closed. Jay took a better look and confirmed that Will was no longer reading. “It’s evidence,” Jay replied. “No, I get that for insurance you needed to prove you were hurt. But some of these photos, it looks like you’re barely started healing at all,” Will said. Ah. “It was evidence for my team in Bolivia. The details aren’t important. They needed it to build a case against someone,” Jay explained, keeping it vague. Will mulled over the words. “Did they get them, the guys who did this?” he eventually asked. Jay sighed and took the closed file from his brother’s lap. “Not yet,” Jay’s reply was tense. Will was confused. “What do you mean not yet? Why not?” he demanded and stood up to start pacing. Jay wanted to rip the file into tiny little pieces. “It’s not important enough. To them anyway,” he explained and got off the couch to place the file back where it belonged. “How can it not be important?!” Will’s emotions were starting to bubble over. “Will, please don’t start. We were just assets to them. Pawns in the field. So much horrible shit happened over there, they can’t follow every lead and execute every mission,” Jay tried to explain although he knew it wouldn’t be of much use. “Oh so you’re not important enough?” Will scoffed. “That’s just how things work over there. They’re working on it, so just let it go,” Jay said with a sigh. Will looked like he wanted to argue but stayed silent. “Come on then, make me a new mug of coffee and tell me about you and Natalie,” Jay said and grabbed his other pair of crutches and made his way to the kitchen. Will hung back to write Voight a quick message before he grabbed their old coffee mugs and hurried after Jay. 

— — 

Back at the precinct, things were finally settling down. The team had managed to make some notable progress with their case, the double homicide they’d been working on until a present in the form of Jay Halstead dropped onto their laps. Voight was glad to finally catch a break. He looked around the bullpen and saw Upton at her desk, deep in thought. Voight had some time earlier to think about how all this must feel like for Hailey. He needed to address the situation before it exploded in their faces. “Upton, my office. Please,” Voight eventually said to her. She looked surprised by the lack of confrontation in his voice. Hailey entered the office and pulled the door shut. Voight took a seat behind his desk and she stayed standing for now. “I know this is hard with Halstead back. Especially for you, Hailey,” Hank’s voice was lower, more gentle. “It’s not fair on you, the way the team has been with him. You can’t blame them for it, but it doesn’t make it any easier, huh?” Hailey stayed silent and considered the words. It was almost a complete 180 turn from Hank. “Where’s this coming from? Just a few hours ago you chewed me up because Halstead had to leave because of me,” she asked warily. Hank leaned back in his chair. “I sent Will to check up on Jay. A couple of hours ago. Jay needs more than what we can give. But you’re here. And you need us too. You were right when you said you never left the team. That you never left me. And I can’t leave you now either. Jay has other people in his corner. But you don’t. You have us. You have me,” the sergeant spoke slowly, straight from his heart. He’d thought it through; he worried that if he didn’t start taking better care of his team then he would end up losing someone. He still had time to fix it though. Hank couldn’t fix Jay, but he could sure as hell try and help Hailey. Hailey sighed. “You say that now until Jay and I argue again and you take his side. He lives with you for god’s sake, of course you’ll take his side,” Hailey managed to say without raising her voice. She looked at Hank’s thoughtful expression. “Jay might be staying with me but he’s not on my team. And you already know, I take care of my team. You’re on my team,” he said firmly. “I just can’t move forward when he’s around every corner, and the topic of every conversation we have in the break room. I can’t keep doing this,” Hailey said with a sigh. “I can work with that. Jay only stopped by today to surprise everyone, especially Trudy. He can surprise them elsewhere. I can’t ban the rest from talking about Jay but I won’t bring him up unless you ask,” Hank promised. “I know it doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a start. I’ll tell Jay he’s not welcome here anymore. I’m not sure it’s even good for him,” he added. Hailey nodded slowly. It sounded… like a start indeed. “Thanks, Voight. It means a lot,” Hailey replied and after getting a nod from Voight, she returned to her desk feeling a little lighter than she had in over a week. 

Chapter Text

Things got better after that. For everyone. Jay promised Hank that he would no longer come by the precinct unannounced, and Hailey started feeling better again. She hadn’t seen Jay since Wednesday, she hadn’t even heard him mentioned in a conversation more than once or twice. The team didn’t tiptoe around her, it simply seemed like Jay wasn’t in their lives anymore. It was now Saturday, and Hailey was out shopping for a new bed. She’d decided to buy a whole new bed, not just a new mattress. A fresh start begins with a good night’s sleep, and what’s more important than a good bed. She spent a good part of the day comparing different beds and mattresses, talked with the store employees and even read online reviews in the middle of the store. She did manage to pick out a bed at the end of it all, and if her eyes stayed on one of the employees a few seconds too long then who was anyone to judge her? She didn’t have the means to transport a whole bed by herself so she booked an installation group to come and take away her old bed and bring the new one. Things were looking good again, maybe this time Hailey would finally be able to fully let go of Jay and move on. 

— —

It had been a rough couple of days for Jay. He was able to talk things through with Will on Wednesday, and while things were slightly awkward after their confrontation, the brothers had parted ways on good terms. Will had to return back to Seattle to be with Natalie, but the brothers promised to each other that they’d stay in contact. Jay had also talked about the precinct with Hank, and they both agreed that it would be best for Jay and Hailey if he didn’t stop by anymore. Hank had advocated for his team’s wellbeing and Jay respected that. It was hard to hear that he wasn’t considered a member of the team anymore but it was the truth and it was time to move on.

Thursday had been a blur for Jay as well. He had been running errands around the city with Trudy. The day began with Jay’s first proper therapy session, and by the time it was over Jay was already exhausted. He’d stopped by Doctor Garcia’s lab and the doctor was happy to report that Jay was progressing well with his prosthetic leg. While initially Garcia had wanted to see Jay again on Friday after Jay’s physical therapy session, Garcia no longer felt it was necessary and they would meet again next week. Trudy had taken Jay back to Hank’s apartment for a couple of hours after they finished at the hospital. Jay and Trudy cooked lunch together and Jay managed a twenty minute nap before they had to leave again, this time to finalize some of the details regarding Jay’s benefits and aid packages. Jay was thankful for Trudy’s listening comprehension and note making skills. By the end of the two hour meeting, Jay was confirmed to receive temporary partial disability pension from the city of Chicago - that was all Trudy’s magic. She’d used the fact that Jay had been a detective with a honorary record to her advantage and while Jay’s injuries weren’t received in the line of duty, he still somehow qualified for pension. He would also qualify for financial living aid once he started looking for an apartment. And to top it all off, Jay’s medical bills would fully be covered by his insurance that Trudy had applied for him. Jay would also start receiving monthly payments from the government as he’d been medically discharged from the army, and again his record was honorary. To summarize, Jay didn’t have to worry about bills or money for the first time in almost half a year. Trudy insisted they stop for coffee and cake to celebrate. Jay had his prosthetic on, and he noticed a couple people staring but he was too tired and happy about the outcome of the meeting to care. He basically fell asleep right after Trudy dropped him off at Hank’s. 

Friday, yet another busy day. Physical therapy, lunch with Kevin near the precinct - just because Jay wasn’t welcome at the precinct didn’t mean he couldn’t hang out with his ex team. Kevin also took Jay to buy groceries before taking him back to Hank’s apartment. Jay spent the rest of the day cooking multiple meals to put in the freezer, with him and Hank both following Jay’s meal plan Jay ended up having to cook more often, and he actually loved it. It was easy to follow the recipes in his book, and he had even started experimenting with the spices just a little bit.

Saturday was a nice sunny day. Jay was due at Kim and Adam’s place at noon for lunch so he slept in and took his time getting ready. He’d talked about meeting Makayla with his therapist. He had some worries about his changed appearance and how he should handle any potential questions. Makayla wasn’t a little kid anymore, she would smell through Jay’s lies. Jay’s therapist had been able to supply him with a good arsenal of tools and ways to explain things child-friendly. Jay really thought he wouldn’t like therapy but getting all the tips he got on how to spend quality time with Makayla? The new, post Bolivia Jay Halstead is a big believer in therapy! Adam had promised to fire up the barbecue so Jay ate a light breakfast. Hank would give him a ride to their house, and Kim or Adam would drive him back. Jay couldn’t wait for the day he could afford a car again. He’d need to talk about actually driving a car with a prosthetic with his doctors. But that wasn’t on today’s agenda. Today was all about Makayla - and Kim and Adam.

Jay checked his pockets. He had already made sure to take both sea glass shards with me just to show Makayla how much they meant to him, but he wanted to double check one more time. Not that he could have done anything about it if he had forgotten one as Hank was almost at the Burgess-Ruzek household. Jay hadn’t used his prosthetic at all in the morning just so he could wear it for a longer time with Makayla. Jay could feel his nerves building up as Hank pulled to their driveway. “Have fun,” Hank said with a small smile. Jay nodded his head in a rush, they were actually a few minutes late. Jay shouted a quick thanks as he exited the vehicle to grab his crutches from the back seat. He had considered leaving them home but alas, his “leg time” was still only twenty minutes a total of six times a day. Jay waved Hank goodbye and walked over to his teammates’ house and rang the doorbell. 

Jay was greeted by Adam wearing an apron. “There you are, Jay! Come on in, you’re just in time, ribs are about to hit the grill any moment now!” Adam greeted and let Jay in. Jay left his crutches in the hall for now. He wanted Makayla’s first impression of him to be an independent Jay. Jay followed Adam through the house and out to the backyard. Kim and Makayla were setting the table and hadn’t noticed the men yet. “Look who I found!” Adam announced with a bright smile and stepped aside to show Jay standing behind him. “Uncle Jay!” Makayla yelled and dropped the pack of plastic utensils she had been holding. She ran past Adam and stopped right in front of Jay. Jay’s anxiety and nervousness were through the roof, but his worries quickly faded away as Makayla lifted her arms toward Jay to invite him to a hug. Jay knelt down instantly so she could reach to wrap her hands around his neck. Jay returned the hug with a huge smile on his face. All of a sudden, Jay was feeling confident, and perhaps a little too reckless, and he straightened up so that Makayla’s feet couldn’t reach the ground anymore. Jay stumbled only slightly but managed to have her in his arms for a good while until he had to admit defeat and lower her down again. “Wow, Mak, you got so tall! You’ve definitely been eating your greens,” Jay said as he held his hands on Makayla’s shoulders to get a good look at her. Kim and Adam observed from nearby, both were smiling fondly at the sight. The couple had been quite surprised to originally see how good Jay was with kids of all ages. He’d been one of Kim’s biggest supporters when she had announced the adoption plans. And Jay and Makayla had bonded almost instantly, and Jay started carrying the title “uncle” with pride and honor. “Do you like mushrooms wrapped in bacon? Mom wasn’t sure but I really wanted to get some for you,” Makayla asked once the initial greetings were done. Jay approached Kim at the garden table. “How did you know? I love mushrooms!” Jay exclaimed with excitement. Makayla had the brightest smile on her face, but Kim and Adam shared a look. They both knew for a fact that Jay always picked off the pieces of mushrooms from his pizza. “Jay, you have to help dad with the ribs! He almost dropped the package earlier when he carried them out here,” Makayla shared. Jay shot Adam a shocked look. Mak called Adam dad!! What’s going on? Jay thought in his head. Adam didn’t seem phased, he only had a fond smile on his face. “Okay now Bear you don’t need to spill all of my secrets,” Adam chuckled but motioned for Jay to join him at the grill. Jay did as requested and fondly shoved Adam’s shoulder once he could reach him. “Dude! She calls you dad now!” Jay was gushing, he was so happy for him. Something sad crossed Adam’s face before he covered it with a smile. “Man you have no idea how happy it makes me. I’ve always wanted to be a dad, and she’s just the greatest kid ever,” Adam said with pride in his voice. Jay nodded in agreement. The men got started with the grilling, and Jay shivered at the size of the mushrooms. But anything for his favorite niece, right?

Jay eventually joined Kim at the table. He didn’t want to overdo things with his leg within the first half an hour he was there, so he excused himself and left Adam in charge of the grill and sat down with Kim. Jay had gotten permission from Doctor Garcia to wear the leg for a bit longer if he was sitting for the majority of the time. “You look good, Jay,” Kim said after the two had chit chatted for a few minutes. Jay smiled; he felt good too. “Thanks, Kim. Good days and bad days, right?” Jay replied. Jay looked around and saw that Makayla was out of earshot. “Hey, listen. Do you think she’d be okay if I took off my leg while we eat? I’m not really supposed to wear it for that long yet but I don’t want to scare her,” Jay asked Kim. She looked a little sad for him.  “She’s a curious and smart kid, Jay. I’m sure it’ll be fine. Want me to call her over?” Kim replied with an encouraging smile. Jay nodded quickly to not give himself any extra time to get worried about it. Makayla skipped over at Kim’s request. The kid waited patiently in front of them, and Jay gave Kim a little nod as if to say ‘you can start, it’s your kid’. “Hey sweetie, remember how we talked about Uncle Jay being hurt? How he hurt his leg real bad and they had to take it off?” Kim started calmly. Makayla nodded and her expression turned more serious. “Did you get your leg back? Since you’re walking?” the kid asked Jay. Jay shook his head but then nodded. “Kind of, I guess. They couldn’t fix my old leg but I got a new one, a prosthetic leg. Like… like a robot leg,” Jay tried to explain. “Oh. Like Bucky from Captain America?” Makayla said, eyes lighting up. Jay nodded. “Is yours silver like Bucky’s? Can I see?” she asked excitedly. The weather wasn’t warm enough for shorts yet, so Jay had to pull up his pant leg to show her the prosthetic. “Mine is mostly black, but I could get like covers on it if I wanted to change how it looks,” Jay explained and waited for her reaction. She knelt down to take a closer look. “It doesn’t hurt really, not anymore,” Jay added. “Can you go cycling with it? Mom and dad’s been taking me to the beach with bikes, it’s really fun,” Makayla asked. She didn’t seem too concerned by the leg. “I think eventually, yes. But not yet. I’ll get a different leg for sports and running,” Jay responded. He glanced at Kim who seemed to approve so far. “Listen, Mak. The leg is like a shoe, right? I need to take it off sometimes or it can get uncomfortable. Is it okay if I take it off while we eat?” Jay asked carefully. Makayla was quick to nod. “I eat without shoes all the time! It’s a bit silly to eat outside with no shoes though… but I don’t care,” she concluded and waited for Jay. Jay tried his best to explain what he was doing and why while he went through the short process of taking off his prosthetic. Makayla listened curiously, and didn’t seem phased at all when Jay’s stump was no longer attached to the leg. “Can I try and hold it?” Makayla asked with a hint of shyness. “Sure, just don’t drop it,” Jay said and watched as Makayla lifted it. The prosthetic wasn’t that heavy so Jay wasn’t really worried about her dropping it. “Dad, look! I got a leg,” she exclaimed and Jay couldn’t help but burst out laughing. Yeah, there really was nothing to worry about. 

Lunch went great. Kim and Adam had prepared a delicious meal, and Makayla had even baked blueberry muffins for dessert. Jay somehow managed to eat a whole bacon wrapped mushroom without throwing up. Adam and Kim had to hold a hand to their mouths to hide their smiles at the sight of Jay battling to finish all of it. They talked about Makayla’s upcoming school play, and Jay promised to attend it. After lunch Adam and Makayla started setting up the cornhole board while Kim cleared the table with Jay’s help; he’d insisted. Kim carried out a can of lemonade and Jay brought the cups. Then they divided into two teams - Kim and Adam, Makayla and Jay - and started playing cornhole. It was a tight race and Makayla almost landed the winning throw but unfortunately it went a bit too long, so Adam and Kim were victorious. They decided to mix up the teams and played a second round. And then one final round with new teams, and everyone got to win at least once. They sat down to enjoy the surprisingly warm weather and talked about unimportant things. Jay showed Makayla the two sea glass pieces which prompted Makayla to beg Jay to follow her into her room to see the collection she had so far. Jay had to ask for his crutches as he had already pushed past his limits a bit, but Makayla was quick to get them and didn’t seem bothered at all. “They’re so much fun together,” Adam said as he and Kim watched Jay disappear into the house with Makayla. “They are. This is good for them both. I’ll never stop being amazed by how good he is with kids,” Kim replied with a gentle smile. Adam nodded in agreement. “Do you think he and Hailey ever talked about kids?” Adam suddenly asked. Kim turned her head toward him in surprise. “Where’d that come from?” she asked with raised brows. “You see how good Jay is with kids. I just figured it would have come up at some point between them two,” Adam shrugged. “I don’t know Adam, and it’s not like it matters anymore. They can’t even stand to be in the same room anymore,” Kim replied to put an end to the topic. Adam put his hands up in surrender. Things might have gotten more tense if not for Jay returning from inside. “Kim, you weren’t exaggerating when you said she had a bunch of them in her room… Am I interrupting something?” Jay said as he approached the pair. Kim and Adam were looking in opposite directions, bodies slightly tense. “No, all good here,” Kim hurried to answer. Jay didn’t buy it but it wasn’t his place to press further. “Okay. Well, I think I better get going soon, I have to pick up something from the store if it’s not too much to ask,” Jay continued. Adam was on his feet in an instant. “Let me grab my keys and we can go. I need to grab something too,” Adam practically sprinted past Jay into the house. Jay and Kim said their goodbyes and Jay expressed interest in having a similar lunch date in the future. He’d already said goodbye to Makayla so Jay quickly put his prosthetic on and went after Adam. 

“Did something happen with Kim while we were inside?” Jay asked Adam once they had started driving. “Just me being me, nothing serious,” Adam answered and Jay let it drop. They arrived at a store and Adam parked the car. “Any spot is fine, I don’t have my parking permit with me,” Jay said before Adam would park in the blue spots. The men exited Adam’s car and headed for the store. Their items were in different sections of the store so they split up and agreed to meet back at the car. Jay focused on his gait, trying to walk as naturally as possible. He didn’t really need to put extra effort into it but in larger crowds like a busy store, he felt a little more self aware. Jay rounded the corner to enter the baking aisle but he stopped abruptly when someone pushed their shopping cart into him. Jay let out an oomph when air escaped his lungs, and he folded over like a lawn chair. “Oh damn, I’m so sorry I didn’t see you ther- Jay?” the person pushing the cart said. Hailey. Jay straightened himself and indeed, there she was. Hailey Upton with a cart full of groceries. “No, it’s okay, don’t worry,” Jay sounded slightly in pain. He awkwardly stared at Hailey, not sure what he was supposed to say next. “You sure you’re alright?” Hailey asked, and Jay was quick to nod. “Yeah, fine. Umm, I’ll just get out of your way then. It was nice to see you,” Jay added the last part out of impulse, and didn’t stick around to see her reaction. He grabbed the baking powder from the shelf and took off. 

— —

Hailey was stunned. Literally running into Jay hadn’t been on her on her plans for today. She was still somewhat shocked to see Jay here in Chicago, walking around and living his life. She leaned against her shopping cart and sighed. “Hey Hailey,” Adam suddenly called out. Hailey looked up and Adam approached her, carrying a box of chocolates and a small bouquet of flowers. “What’d you do this time?” Hailey teased. “Can’t a guy just be nice?” Adam pretended to be offended but his smile gave him away. “No. Literally no man I’ve been with has been nice for no reason,” Hailey replied with a little bit too much truth. “Well I’ll leave you to it. Don’t want to keep Jay waiting,” Adam said and started walking away. “Wait. He’s with you?” Hailey wondered. Adam nodded. “Yeah, he doesn’t have a car yet and he offers to Uber but we don’t mind. Anyway, see you on Monday!” Adam said and walked away. Hailey watched him go and disappear between the aisles. 

Later that evening Hailey found her thoughts wandering over to Jay. Seeing him today hadn’t been as upsetting as it had been on Wednesday. Today felt more like running into your childhood friend who you lost touch with, and despite having spent countless hours talking and hanging out, you realize you can’t find more words than “it was nice seeing you again”. Hailey sat on her couch and stared at the phone in her hands. She still had Kevin’s message with Jay’s number on there. Her fingers seemed to have a mind of their own, and Hailey could do nothing but watch as they retrieved the phone number and saved it in her contacts list. And in a blink of an eye, she had sent Jay a message that read ‘Hope you’re okay after I ran you over with my cart.’ She tossed the phone to the other end of the couch before Jay would have a chance to reply. It was a start. Towards what, she could tell yet. 

Chapter Text

Days started turning into weeks. Jay worked hard on his physical therapy. He picked up swimming, thanks to his insurance he was able to get private lessons to learn how to safely swim with only one foot. He hadn’t gotten his second prosthetic, the running blade just yet. Doctor Garcia had estimated that it would take roughly two or three more months until Jay was physically fit enough to have his new sockets made, both for his current prosthetic and for the running blade. His mental health improved slowly but steadily thanks to therapy twice a week, and having something to do in his free time was also helpful. Jay had gotten a library card for the first time in his life, and he’d started taking the bus to the library just to get out of the house more on his own. Getting a car wasn’t in his future just yet, so public transportation was the temporary solution as Voight and the rest of the team couldn’t be his personal chauffeurs all the time. 

Jay’s cooking had also improved significantly. He was slowly outgrowing the meal plans so he’d started trying recipes he found on the internet. On more than one occasion Voight took leftovers to work to eat for lunch, and the good odours from the reheated meals had everyone’s mouths watering. Jay also baked, and gave his creations to Kevin or Kim and Adam when they met to hang out. Trudy came over occasionally and the two cooked together. She’d bring her thick as a brick -cookbook with her that was filled with handwritten recipes from Trudy’s relatives and friends. Jay wished he had something like that too, his mother had been a wonderful cook and she loved to bake. But unfortunately he didn’t have any recipes from her, he’d even texted Will but he wasn’t able to help. So Jay started writing his own recipes, just in case there was someone in the future that he’d want to pass them onto. 

Jay and Hank had sat down to talk, and together they decided that Jay would start looking for a place of his own at the end of summer, and hopefully he would be able to spend Christmas in his new place. The housing market was unpredictable so Jay wanted to start looking early. But until then, he would stay with Hank. They got along mostly well, sometimes Hank brought work home with him and while Jay wanted to help discuss cases he quickly realized it wasn’t good for him, as he wouldn’t be able to get fully invested and participate in field work. More than once the pair had heated arguments over it but by breakfast the next morning all was forgotten. They never apologized of course. Hank just made Jay a fancy cup of coffee, or Jay made pancakes from scratch. 

Jay hadn’t seen or talked to Hailey in weeks. He’d gotten a text from her that day when they ran into each other at the grocery store. Jay had stared at his phone for almost ten minutes until he finally decided not to answer at all. Hailey had made it clear in the past that she wanted to move on, so Jay had decided to cut all contact with her for now. He wasn’t sure if he’d reach out again, but if they were meant to make up then the universe would give them a sign. 

Jay still struggled, though. He was young, not even in his 40s yet, and as an active person all his life he couldn’t imagine fully retiring from working just yet. He had talked with Trudy to see what the department might offer for him, but it was slim pickings for now, there were basically no jobs that he could apply for. He’d considered some sort of volunteer work as money wasn’t his biggest motivator, but he couldn’t really find anything that sparked his passion. He liked animals well enough but working in an animal shelter with cages and pens and locked doors… Not for him. Chicago had more than one shelter for the homeless, and some of them had a kitchen attached to them and Jay had actually considered volunteering as a cook or an assistant in the kitchen. But he was worried that being surrounded by struggling people might bring out his own past trauma, and he didn’t want to risk it. He had talked about it with his therapist and while she encouraged Jay to at least check one of these kitchens out, he couldn’t do it. He felt terrible about it but he just couldn’t. The rest of the options for volunteer work were too far from Hank’s place, at least until he got a car as Chicago’s public transportation was sometimes a bit unreliable. He had a lot of skills, but very few of them seemed to transfer to civilian jobs. No private security firm wouldn’t hire him until his health was in top condition, and to be honest Jay wasn’t sure he would be interested in private security anyway. So for now he was unemployed but desperate to change that.

His only struggle wasn’t a lack of purpose in life. He still had quite severe flashbacks from his time in Bolivia, and while working on his PTSD twice a week with his therapist certainly helped, Jay didn’t feel like he made any long lasting progress. They hadn’t been able to identify all of Jay’s triggers yet, so it made things harder. His therapist had suggested that maybe Jay lacked closure and wasn’t able to move on in some sense. And, well, she wasn’t wrong. Jay didn’t have closure. The people that had done this to Jay were still on the loose. At the suggestion of his therapist, Jay had reached out to two of his unit buddies from Bolivia. They both had come to visit Jay, and were sorry to report that Jay’s case was still open and there was little to no progress. Jay understood, but it didn’t help him at all to move on. He needed justice, maybe some sort of revenge. He almost told Hank about it but eventually decided against it. Hank didn’t need to get involved. But at least seeing his buddies again made Jay feel a little better. They actually stayed in somewhat regular contact now, they video called at least every other week. Most of Jay’s buddies were still deployed, either in Bolivia or somewhere else, so it was hard to schedule regular calls, let alone group calls with the entire unit. 

Jay and Will had kept their promise to each other, and they called or texted weekly. Natalie’s pregnancy was going great and she had about four months left in her pregnancy. The Halstead brothers had made plans for Jay to come visit in Seattle once he was a bit better, maybe by the end of summer or early fall. Jay honestly dreaded the idea of flying again because of what happened last time. But he had already been cleared weeks ago, he was no longer at a higher than the normal risk of developing blood clots. He just needed to get back out there and fly. A few more months…

——————————————————————

Hailey was doing well too. She had gotten her new bed a few weeks ago, and with the bed came a movie date with one of the workers who brought the bed for her. Hailey wasn’t sure she was looking for anything serious at the moment but she liked the guy enough, and they had a good time together. They kept things simple and not too serious, and it was going great. They’d been on a handful of dates by June, and she was just glad to have someone else to think about other than Jay. Jay who had never messaged her back after the grocery store incident. Maybe it was for the better anyway. She still occasionally thought about Kevin’s words about how she deserved to have a sit down with Jay and talk like adults, how she deserved answers and some sort of closure. But she didn’t need anything from Jay, not for now anyway. Hailey had her work, a potential new boyfriend - they hadn’t put a label on it yet - and a small renovation project going on at her apartment. Nothing really needed changing but ever since she had gotten the new bed Hailey just had this urge to change something. Upgrade. Currently her bathroom was the target of her urges. She was getting a new bathtub with a rain shower attached to it, and she couldn’t wait. Then perhaps she’d work on the balcony and make it more cozy. 

Sometime in mid June

Jay was excited for today. He was supposed to go to the beach today and have his first outdoor swimming lesson with his private teacher. They’d been working hard on Jay’s swimming technique and making sure he had enough muscle before moving to natural, large bodies of water. Plus they had to wait for Lake Michigan to warm up enough. But today was the day. It would be Jay’s first time wearing swim shorts at the beach meaning that people would see his prosthetic leg and they would obviously see him without the leg too as it wasn’t built for swimming, and the point of swimming in general was for Jay to get more comfortable with his body and appearance, and to get in better shape too. Jay’s swim coach was a devoted man who often picked Jay up from Hank’s place, and that was the case today as well. 

Jay and his swim coach, Tony, arrived at the beach soon after noon. Despite it being a weekday, the beach was crowded as schools had ended and many families had their summer vacations. “Looks like the waves aren’t too bad today. Promising for our swim,” Tony said as he and Jay were walking closer to the water. Jay nodded along but was barely listening. The large crowd was giving him some anxiety and he was going through some breathing exercises to calm down before things got too much. Tony led Jay to a small group of people. “Jay, these are my friends from work. They’re not going swimming today so they can watch our stuff while we swim. We don’t want your leg to, grow legs of its own and mysteriously walk away during our swim, huh?” Tony was great like that. He was so unserious around Jay, and never made Jay feel bad about his injuries. Jay gave a quick wave to Tony’s friends. They seemed to be playing some sort of card game and weren’t paying too much attention to Jay or Tony. Tony went through their exercise plan for the day and soon it was time to hit the water. Jay then left his backpack and shoe with the friend group. Tony asked one of his friends to come with for a moment, and Tony let Jay and his friend closer to the water. “Okay Jay, this seems close enough. You can go ahead and take off your leg whenever you’re ready, my friend Allie here will take good care of it for you while we swim,” Tony said and Allie gave Jay a thumbs up. Jay sat down on the sand and got to work. He noticed a few people staring but he didn’t let it bother him. Once his stump was free, he stuffed the liner into the socket and gave the leg to Allie. She immediately started making her way back to the group. Tony helped Jay up and stayed close while Jay hopped toward the water. Jay and Tony were almost knee deep in water when a young child, maybe five or six years old, ran past them only to stop in her tracks when she noticed Jay, whose stump wasn’t submerged yet. She looked at Jay, then his stump and then Jay again. And to Jay’s horror, she burst into tears. Not just a couple of tears, but a full on waterfall with yelling and wailing. Her parents quickly ran up to her, and they concluded that Jay’s appearance had horrified her. The child’s father picked her up and turned her away from Jay. “How dare you! You should be ashamed of yourself, terrifying innocent kids like this!” the father was furious. People started turning their heads toward the yelling, towards Jay. He stood frozen, horrified as well. “How could you think this is appropriate!? This is a public area, you should be covered up, there are kids everywhere and people are trying to eat their snacks,” the mother joined the yelling. Jay wished a large wave would just come and wash him away. “Ma’am, like you just said. This is a public beach and we have just as much right to be here as everyone else.  Now, I’m sorry your child was spooked but it clearly wasn’t our intention, and your reaction doesn’t help your child understand that different looking people are nothing to be afraid of,” Tony responded in such a calm manner that it helped Jay calm down, a bit at least. The child’s parents however? Absolutely not. “Don’t tell us how to raise our child! She’s such a sensitive little girl and your friend here might have emotionally scarred her for life!” the mother yelled and got closer to Jay and Tony. “Hey! Maybe if you took better care of your kid and didn’t let her wander around unattended then you could have saved these men some trouble!” Jay turned his head and saw a stranger, a man he’d never seen, defend him and Tony. “This man could be a cancer survivor, a veteran or he might be just a regular man, it doesn’t matter! He deserves some basic human respect,” the stranger finished, and a few other bystanders cheered to show their support. The parents realized they were in the minority, and after a few more rude words they walked away. “You alright, Jay?” Tony asked. Jay wasn’t sure what to answer. He simply shrugged his shoulders. “Excuse, sorry to bother. I just wanted to say sorry about those assholes. I’m here a lot, and the parents are always looking to start shit. I hope they didn’t ruin your day although I wouldn’t blame you if they did,” it was the stranger from before. “Umm, thanks. I’d say it doesn’t bother me but this was actually my first time at the beach since um, you know,” Jay gestured to his leg with a shaky voice. The man nodded sympathetically. “I’m Aiden, by the way. And I’m sorry to hear you got such a bad impression of the beach community. That’s what it feels like, a community. Some people spend so much time here, including myself. You’re going out for a swim? Care if I join you?” the man introduced as Aiden asked. Tony looked to Jay, it was his decision. Jay felt like shit; he was embarrassed, self-conscious, probably on his way to having an anxiety attack but he didn’t want to waste Tony’s time by coming all this way and not swim. “You’re free to join us if you want. Umm, I'm not a fast swimmer yet though so um, yeah,” Jay replied and tried to get his bearings. Tony offered Jay his arm, and Jay took it. Together, Tony, Jay and their new friend Aiden waded through the water until they were about chest deep. Aiden observed as Tony instructed Jay before the pair started swimming side by side. Aiden joined them, giving them space but following close enough to have a simple conversation. The trio talked about how the currents were in their spot, things like that. Simple, casual, nothing serious. Tony noticed Jay getting tired a bit faster than he usually does, so he started steering them back toward shore. Aiden waved them goodbye and swam off to continue his day. Once the water got too shallow for Tony and Jay, Tony helped Jay to dry land where Allie was waiting with Jay’s prosthetic. “Thanks but I have to dry first,” Jay said to Allie when she held the leg for Jay. She nodded politely and led the men back to the rest of the group. Jay almost collapsed to the sand when they reached the towels. “I like the beach but the people, man,” Jay sighed as he dried himself up to get warmer. “I’ve been coming here for over a decade and have never ran into people like that. I hope you’ll be comfortable enough to return here next week, but we can go back to the pool too if you want,” Tony said. Jay looked around. The beach was more crowded now than it was earlier. And that meant even more people occasionally staring. “I think I’m more of a pool guy, yeah,” Jay eventually replied. Jay focused on drying his leg well enough to get started on putting his leg back on. He just wanted out of here. 

Well, it’s not like I didn’t have enough things to talk through with a therapist… Jay thought once he and Tony were walking back to his car. Tony was doing something on his phone as they walked. “Awwh shit,” he muttered to himself. Jay stopped and looked at him. “Everything okay?” he asked. “Yeah, it’s nothing. Well. My girlfriend’s car broke down and they’re getting it towed now and she’s asking if I can give her a ride or if she needs to get a taxi. I know this isn’t very professional of me but would you be okay with it if we gave her a ride?” Tony explained. “Sure. Absolutely. I don’t have anywhere to be, we can take a detour,” Jay replied and continued walking. “Thanks, man you’re the best. I’d give you a discount if I knew you paid your own bills!” Tony joked and Jay laughed. Classic Tony jokes, Jay loved them. They entered Tony’s car and started driving to Tony’s girlfriend. Jay eventually saw a tow truck coming their way. That’s interesting, the car getting towed was familiar. Jay just couldn’t place it. He’d seen it before though… but where? Oh wait, Jay thought as he saw a woman standing on the sidewalk. He’d recognize her anywhere. It was Hailey. “Is, is this your girlfriend?” Jay tried to ask casually. “Yeah, there she is, almost drove past. Good eye, Jay,” Tony replied and pulled over. Hailey walked over to the passenger side and grabbed the door handle until she saw that the seat was occupied. By no other than her ex-husband. Hailey stood outside in shock for a moment until she recovered and opened the door to the back seat instead. “Hi Hailey, sorry it took us a while. We were all the way at the beach,” Tony said with a smile when Hailey was seated. She didn’t reply, and Tony turned in his seat to look back. “Hey, you alright? Oh of course. This is Jay, my client. I’ll drop him home first and then we can talk, okay babe?” Tony introduced the pair. But Jay couldn’t let it stand. “Hailey, I had no idea who he was to you. Tony, umm, Hailey is my wife, I mean ex-wife,” Jay explained. “Oh,” Tony managed to say. Hailey looked disappointed that Jay had said something. “It’s fine. Tony, can we go now?” she deflected and turned to look out the window of her car. Tony nodded slowly and started driving. Things couldn’t have been more awkward. No one said a word the entire 30-minute car ride. And to add insult to injury, Tony’s car radio was broken so they couldn’t even hide from the awkward silence. Honestly, this day turned out to be a disaster, Jay thought. 

Tony had barely stopped the car when Jay bolted out, yelled a hurried thanks over his shoulder and practically ran inside Hank’s building. Jay waited until he was inside the apartment and confirmed he was alone before he broke down in tears. It all was just too much at once. He managed to sit down on his bed and just let the tears and emotions flow. Another therapy trick. It was apparently better to just let your body do its thing and not fight the tears and emotions. He knew that Hailey had moved on. She had told him so, many times. But actually witnessing it, hearing another man call her his girlfriend… It was the final proof that Hailey moved on. And despite how many times Jay said that he had too, today proved him wrong. And out of the literal millions of people living in Chicago, why did it have to be someone Jay knew, someone he considered a friend even? Hailey probably thought Jay was being some weird creep. God, what a mess. Jay’s cries eventually turned into quiet sobs. He stared at his prosthetic. He hated it. Going to the beach only proved how other people would never see him as just Jay again. He was ‘the weird guy with no leg’. His mere presence had made a kid cry for fuck’s sake. Jay resisted the urge to throw the prosthetic leg at a wall, and simply took it off and let it fall to its side. He curled up in bed, pulled at the duvets but couldn’t get them from underneath him. Jay couldn’t help but cry more at the slight inconvenience. He grabbed a dirty hoodie from the floor and used it as a blanket to cover his head and torso. Jay’s sobs eventually lulled him into a restless sleep. 

Chapter Text

Hailey barely said a word to Tony on their way to her apartment. She hadn’t even moved from the back seat after Jay exited the front. And when Tony parked his car at Hailey’s instead of just letting her off, she had to actually ask what he was doing. “You wanted my help with the balcony renovations, right?” Tony answered. Ah, right. The balcony. Hailey nodded absentmindedly. She almost opened her mouth to cancel the plans but Tony was already here. Maybe that was good. They probably needed to talk. 

Hailey waited for a better moment until she brought up Jay. Tony was taking measurements from the balcony railings, and Hailey didn’t think a better time would come even if she waited until the end of days. “Hey Tony, listen. About Jay,” she started carefully. She wasn’t even sure what there was to say. Tony stopped the measuring and turned to Hailey. His expression was hard to read. “Oh, huh? What about him?” he was confused. “I’m not sure what he’s told you about me, or I guess he directly hasn’t named me if you didn’t know he was my ex but I just wanted to say it’s over between us,” Hailey said. Tony’s brows raised at that. “Why’d you mention it like that? I didn’t think it wasn’t over. But you saying that makes no sense. And for the record Jay doesn’t speak about himself at all. I’ve tried but he’s completely closed off,” Tony replied. “Wait, are you implying that Jay and I - no! Like I told you. We’re done. I don’t even remember how long ago it was when our divorce was finalized. He left. I moved on,” Hailey said defensively. Tony’s brows raised even more at Hailey’s revelation. “Wait, he left? And that’s why you broke up? Have you even talked things through with him? Because it sounds like if he hadn’t left then you wouldn’t have broken up. Tell me I'm wrong,” Tony argued. And Hailey.. she didn’t know how to reply. “You know, I thought Jay looked off when I told him you were my girlfriend. Now I get it, he was jealous, he still loves you,” Tony continued. Wait, what? “What do you mean you said I was your girlfriend?” Hailey demanded. “Wow, really? That’s what you got from all that I said. I get that you want to keep things casual but it’s been weeks, Hailey. What do you want us to be in, let’s say half a year?” Tony asked quietly. He didn’t seem angry, just disappointed. “I don’t know, okay! I don’t know. I do know that I want to be with you, not Jay,” Hailey replied and tried to take Tony’s hand but he withdrew. “But do you still love him? You ran right past that part before. When I said he loves you,” he asked, almost insistent. Hailey scoffed. “That’s not relevant at all though! I can’t control how Jay feels about me. And I already said that I want to be with you,” Hailey argued back. This was all going to hell, why did the universe hate her? “Hailey just listen to yourself! I’ve asked you twice now, and you dodge the question every time. Okay, fine but answer me this at least. Am I some sort of stepping stone for you to help overcome Jay? Because if so then I don’t get why we’re doing this thing at all,” Tony still didn’t seem angry. Hailey’s face fell. Was Tony right? Had she been using him to bury her feelings about Jay..? “Tony, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say here. Jay left, okay? And I tried to make it work. But he left me. So what was I supposed to do, just wait patiently until if he decides to come back? He didn’t even tell me he was thinking about leaving until like a day before,” Hailey started. Her emotions were all over the place, and she could feel the tears forming in her eyes. Tony just kept standing there, making no attempt to try and comfort her. He just waited for her to continue. “He was gone for so long that I moved on, I had to. I really thought I did move on,” Hailey heard herself say. Oh. So she hadn’t moved on? “Why are you telling me this, Hailey? You should be talking to him and not me. I think you both deserve as much. Just… go see him, okay? I think it’s best if I go. Call me, when you’ve sorted yourself out with Jay,” Tony said and walked past Hailey. “Wait, are you breaking up with me?” Hailey asked before he left. “I didn’t know we ever were together enough to break things off. Goodbye, Hailey,” Tony said and left her alone.

Hailey stumbled to take a seat on one of the balcony chairs. What the hell was that? She stared at the measuring tape on the floor. It was Tony’s. Somehow she and Jay had managed to decorate their entire apartment without a measuring tape, so she didn’t have her own. Much of what she had wasn’t her own. It was her and Jay’s. Legally it all might have been hers, but in every other aspect it was her and Jay’s. She considered running after Tony and asking him to stay so they could talk through this. But what else would she say? She had barely said anything a few minutes ago, and Tony had made it perfectly clear how he felt. She then considered calling Jay. But it wouldn’t be a conversation to have over the phone, and her car was still in the shop, probably not even looked at yet. And Jay couldn’t drive even if he had a car. Maybe she could Uber to Hank’s place… but even then she’d have to call or text Jay first. She wouldn’t show up unannounced. With a deep sigh Hailey fetched her phone and dialed Jay. The whole situation should have been dealt with months ago, when Jay first got back. Now it had all come back to haunt her. The line rang and rang for over 30 seconds until she gave up and closed the call. She typed him a short message, asking Jay to call back as soon as he could. Hailey had a feeling that Jay wouldn’t reply any time soon, and she needed some pampering right now, so she decided to take a bath. Day drinking on a weekday was probably not a good idea, so bath it was. Soak in the warm water, add an unhealthy amount of bubbles… something like that. She did take her phone to the bathroom just in case Jay would call. He probably wouldn’t. 

— —

Jay heard his phone ring, and eventually quiet down again.  A minute later he heard the familiar sound of a text message notification. He couldn’t care less. He was done. He’d worked so hard to not hate himself every time he saw even a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror, in a window of the bus, on the surface of a well polished car. He thought it was getting better, thought he was getting better. But what was the point? People stared at him no matter where he went, kids gaped with their mouths open and pointed with their fingers yelling ‘mommy, that man has no leg!’. With summer came hot temperatures and Jay was too uncomfortable to wear long pants on most days, so he couldn’t even hide anymore. He was dealing with it all until today. He’d never made a kid cry like that before. By doing nothing but exist and try and have a good time. Swimming had become Jay’s escape from the world. He’d dive underwater and everything was fine. All the voices sounded muffled, his mind calmed down. And every time he hit the surface the world would come crashing down again. He and Tony had worked on diving techniques and Jay had even considered signing up for a free diving course once he was skilled enough in regular diving and swimming. But what was the point? Tony probably hated him as of two hours ago. Hailey probably called to try and yell at him, he didn’t have the energy to even try and deal with that. He’d been curled up in the same position for so long that his muscles ached. But he didn’t care. Some stretches in the evening and a soak in the bath, all good, right? He’d soak in the bath for a week if he thought it would fix things. His next therapy session wasn’t until Friday, and he honestly didn’t know if he’d manage until then. He hadn’t called the emergency therapy line before, but today he considered it. Soldier up, you’re fine. Don’t be a baby, a little voice said in Jay’s head. He felt like crying again, but A) he didn’t want to and B) his tear reserves were probably depleted for the next two weeks, that’s how much he’d already cried today. He needed to put an end to this pity party, so he made an attempt to get up and fetch a glass of water. But right as he was about to stand up, a loud boom erupted from outside. Thunder. Jay’s brain registered the deafening sound but wasn’t able to identify it. Jay felt his mind going blank, and then there was nothing. 

Jay wasn’t sure where he was. He thought the room was kind of familiar. It was around the same size as his room at Hank’s. Justin’s old room. But this one was darker, cooler. Slightly damp. Where was he? He’d been there before, but he couldn’t remember where it was. His body ached and he was tired. He tried to move his arms but.. what the hell? They were chained to the ceiling above Jay’s head. He was hanging from the ceiling by his hands. Wait - he remembers now. This was like when he’d done the undercover op at the airport, and then the other guy was shot and he tried to fight back but they used a taser and he couldn’t overpower them all. But his leg didn’t hurt that time. He couldn’t be with them. Erin wouldn’t come and save him. He thought he could hear a radio with a Spanish song playing. He knew that song… it used to play on repeat for days. In Bolivia. He was in Bolivia. Jay trashed against the chains holding him, but that only made them dig into his wrists. He tried to kick with his legs, but that only made the fire in his shoulders worse. He’d been hanging like this for a while. He couldn’t get free, he tried and tried and tried but the chains only laughed at him instead. He wanted to go home. Why had he ever left Hailey and the team? It was the worst decision he’d ever made, his biggest mistake and regret. He wanted to go back. He couldn’t get free. A door creaked open, two men approached holding a rusty knife. He was tired of this, why wouldn’t they just let him go or kill him, be done with it? Jay closed his eyes and didn’t care anymore. 

A loud explosive sound broke the silence again. Thunder. This time Jay recognized it. It was just thunder. He blinked and looked around. He was… under his bed? What the hell? He reached up with his hand and his fingers touched the bed frame. So he was really here. In Chicago, in his room. Not in Bolivia. He managed to crawl and drag himself from under the bed. He sat on the floor and looked around. The corner of his nightstand was red, since when? That’s when Jay registered the throbbing pain in his head. He investigated the painful area with his fingers, and they came back red and sticky. Blood. He was bleeding. He’d probably hit his head on the nightstand at some point in his panic. He couldn’t tell if he had blacked out, but the wound was still bleeding, and he needed to do something about it or he’d risk ruining his sheets or even the rug on Justin’s room… his room. He wasn’t sure who to call - he needed to call someone. On any other day he would have dealt with it on his own but today? Him and mirrors were no longer on speaking terms. He knew that all his old teammates had a rare day off on a weekday so they were all out. Normally he would have called Will, no questions asked. But he was in Seattle, so that was obviously not an option. And calling an actual ambulance? They’d drag his ass to hospital in record time when they heard he had a head wound and couldn’t remember the last… twenty minutes clearly. He could call Severide. Kelly was always fair to him, and the two had grabbed drinks more than once. Jay managed to get his phone - when had the room started spinning? - and hit Severide's name on the contacts list. Jay’s call was accepted almost instantly. “Jay, is that you?” Kelly sounded surprised. Right. Jay hadn’t exactly told him he was back. Kelly probably heard through the grapevine but still. “Umm, hi Kelly. It’s me. Listen, are you busy?” Jay hated how shaky he sounded. “What’s wrong? Where are you?” Kelly asked instantly when he heard how off Jay sounded. Jay tried to figure out the best way to explain his situation. “I’m fine, I just. I don’t want to make a big deal about this,” he started. Kelly huffed on the other end of the line. “Halstead, spit it out. What do you need?” Kelly urged. “Does Brett still work there? I think I could use her help,” Jay admitted. “She doesn’t actually. But I can take Violet with me. Where are you?” Jay could make out rustling and muffled voices. “I’m at Voight’s. I’ll text you the address and the keypad code. I’ll get the apartment door for you,” Jay was pretty sure he could safely make it to the door. Like, at least 60% sure. “We’ll be there soon,” Kelly promised and waited for Jay to end the call. 

Jay had barely managed to unlock the door and wobble back to his room when he heard Kelly and Violet. “Jay? Where are you?” Kelly called out as he entered the apartment with Violet hot in his trail. “Bedroom, first door right,” Jay answered. A couple of seconds later Jay could see them; Kelly pushing open his door and Violet stepping in with a medical bag over her shoulder. “Damn Halstead, what happened?” she exclaimed as she saw Jay sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall and holding a sock? to his bleeding head. “I think I hit my head when I fell over? I’m not really sure,” Jay answered quietly. He was feeling a bit lightheaded and tired from the day’s events. Violet knelt down in front of Jay and rummaged through her med bag to fish out some fresh gauze. “Okay, let me take a look,” she said and gently moved Jay’s temporary dressing out of the way. She didn’t miss how badly Jay flinched at her first touch. The bleeding wasn’t as bad anymore but it was bleeding enough to make Violet worry. “When did this happen? There’s quite a lot of blood,” she asked, keeping her tone professional. Kelly had walked over too and was observing the scene. It must have been quite the shock for both of them, seeing Jay for the first time in over a year and see him bleeding on the floor with a missing leg. “Umm, I’m not really sure. I think it’s been like that since the thunder?” Jay tried to answer. “Man, what do you mean you don’t know? What happened?” Kelly asked. Jay sighed. How much could he explain without bringing up his post traumatic stress..? Probably not enough. “Umm, I was getting out of bed to get a glass of water when the thunder startled me. And um, the next thing I can remember is that I’m bleeding,” Jay explained. Violet was securing gauze around Jay’s wound. “Jay, this is deep enough to need stitches. I can’t do them here, we’re going to have to go to Med for this, I’m sorry,” Violet explained firmly. She knew of Jay’s reputation with hospitals and she didn’t want to leave room for negotiation. “Can’t you just, glue it together and throw some butterfly bandages on it?” Jay tried. “No, Jay! This is bleeding way too much, even for a head wound,” Violet declared. Oh, right. “Ohh, about that. I might be on mild blood thinners,” Jay mumbled out. The look on Violet’s face, oh boy. “Okay, that’s it. We’re definitely going to Med, no arguments. Kelly, will you help him up and onto the bed?” Violet ordered and moved out of the way to let Severide hoist Jay up. Jay wobbled on his one foot, swaying from side to side, and Kelly had to hold most of his weight. “Jay, did you lose consciousness at any point?” Violet asked. She had summoned a notebook from somewhere and was writing down something. “I umm, can’t really remember. Maybe not?” Jay tried. “You can’t remember?” worry was now visible on Violet’s face. Kelly lowered Jay onto the bed and stayed close by in case Jay would topple over. Jay lowered his head in embarrassment before he spoke again. “Okay, I had a, umm, flashback. I think. A pretty bad one, so I can’t say which of the events from the past half an hour are real,” Jay missed the worrying look that Kelly and Violet shared. “Are you still triggered?” Violet asked in a neutral voice. Jay lifted his head at that. “Why does it matter?” he asked with squinted eyes. “Look, they need to know at Med to safely treat you, ok? It’s nothing personal,” Violet said and wrote down more when Jay finally nodded yes to the question. Jay started to realize his mistake; he could have really hurt Violet earlier when she first started examining him. “Umm, do you think it’s okay if you, explain what you’re going to do before you do it?” Jay mumbled quietly. Violet nodded. “Of course Jay. Before we go I need to take your vitals, and I need to check your pupils with the penlight, okay?” Violet’s voice was calm, steady. Violet proceeded to talk through everything she did, and wrote down notes as well. Kelly stayed silent and observed with a worried look on his face. He looked like he had about a million questions, and Jay didn’t blame him. Violet was eventually pleased enough with her examination, and declared Jay well enough to leave for Med. “So Jay. This part is basically up to you. I see you have a prosthetic leg and a set of crutches. Which one do you want?” Violet asked as she was packing up her things into the medical bag. “Leg’s fine,” he said and reached for it with shaky hands. Kelly was on his side in an instant. He grabbed Jay’s leg and offered it to Jay. Kelly stayed close as Jay put on his prosthetic. The liner took a few tries but the rest was simple enough for Jay and his shaking hands. “Do we need to text Voight or someone else?” Violet asked. Jay shook his head. “It’s fine, I don’t need to bother them,” he responded and tried to stand up. Kelly offered a steadying hand, and Jay didn’t reject it. He held onto Kelly’s arm as he slowly followed Violet out of the apartment. Jay occasionally saw stars and stumbled a bit more, but Kelly held onto him firmly and didn’t let go. 

“Let me go and ask how long the wait is. Shouldn’t be long though, a bleeding head injury and blood thinners is usually a fast ticket,” Violet said as they arrived at Med. Kelly helped Jay take a seat in the waiting room. “Who was your primary doctor again, Jay?” Violet asked. “Which one? Got so many nowadays I can barely keep track,” Jay mumbled and squinted at the bright lights. Violet decided to let it go for now and walked off to find someone. “Sorry I dragged you into this, I just didn’t know who else to call,” Jay apologized to Kelly after a while of waiting. They hadn’t really talked during the car ride. “Man, it’s fine. Don’t apologize,” Kelly said. Kelly had heard that Jay was back in town and he’d meant to get in touch with him but he’d been so busy with fire investigation that he simply forgot. Kelly even knew about Jay’s leg but seeing it all in person, seeing Jay so.. vulnerable was weird. Kelly had no idea what had happened to Jay since he left Chicago. There’d been gossip but no one outside of his doctors and people from Intelligence seemed to know. Kelly was pulled from his thoughts by Violet returning with a doctor.  “Jay, we really need to stop meeting like this. You’re my favorite patient but I really wish this isn’t where we met every so often,” Doctor Powell, Jay’s primary doctor from his last two hospital stints said. A nurse pushing a wheelchair had also joined them. “Sorry doc. You treat me too well,” Jay tried to joke. “Come on then, let’s get you fixed up. Just hop on here,” Powell said and gestured to the wheelchair. Jay, with the help from Kelly, managed to get into the chair. The nurse led the group to an examination cubicle. “A colleague of mine will join us shortly. I happened to walk by when your friend here was telling a nurse about your situation,” Powell explained as Jay got seated on the bed. “Thanks for bringing me here, guys. But you don’t need to stick around, I’m sure you’re busy with work”, Jay said as the nurse started taking Jay’s vitals. Violet and Kelly shared a look. “I saw one of our rigs here, I can hitch a ride with them if you want to stick around,” Violet suggested and Kelly nodded. “I’m not leaving you alone, Jay. No matter how good friends you are with these docs,” Kelly replied and took a seat further back so he wasn’t in anyone’s way. Pre-Bolivia Jay would have argued. But currently Jay was too tired to care. And if he was completely honest, he always appreciated the company in a hospital. “Do you take your blood thinner medicine in the morning or before bed?” Doctor Powell asked Jay. “Morning. Took today’s dose,” Jay answered. Powell made a note of it and approached Jay. “Okay, let’s take a look at that wound of yours,” Powell and the nurse exchanged a few words until they removed all the gauze Violet had taped to Jay’s head. The wound was still bleeding although not as heavily. “Nothing to worry about, Jay. We’ll get this sorted in no time. You’ll need a few stitches indeed so we’ll wait for my colleague as he’s better with delicate areas such as the face. Can you tell me about how you got the wound?” Powell eventually said. Jay squirmed a little under Powell’s observant eyes. He glanced at Kelly before answering. “Umm. I had a bad day already, and as I was getting up I was startled by thunder. It got me pretty good, umm, I had a bad flashback and I thought I was somewhere else. When I, I guess snapped out of it I was under my bed and my head was bleeding. I don’t know if I passed out. Probably not?” Jay recapped the incident. “I can see if Doctor Fischer is available for you?” Powell suggested immediately. Thank goodness. “Umm. Yeah. That’d be nice. Thanks,” Jay mumbled. He noticed Kelly’s confused look. “She’s my therapist. Don’t worry Severide, she’ll knock my head on straight again,” Jay said and Powell chuckled. “I’ll go see if Fischer’s around,” Powell said and exited the cubicle. Jay looked around. It was just him, Kelly and the nurse who was holding gauze against Jay’s head. “When did Violet leave?” Jay asked Kelly. “A couple of minutes ago. You okay, Jay?” Kelly answered with worry. “This is not a diagnosis but your friend probably has a mild concussion. Hence the slight confusion,” the nurse explained. “I don’t know, he has always been a little confused,” Kelly joked and earned himself a poorly executed middle finger from Jay. 

Almost three hours later Kelly was sitting on the couch in Jay’s room at Hank’s. His arm would probably be sporting a bruise in the shape of Jay’s hand by tomorrow. Jay had squeezed Kelly’s arm so hard when he was getting the stitches done, but Kelly didn’t mind. That’s what friends are for. Jay had been diagnosed with a potential concussion as his symptoms were so mild and being triggered by the thunder was the more likely explanation for his confusion and shakiness. Jay had admitted that Voight was in New York for a conference so Kelly had offered to stay with him for the night - even with only a potential concussion Jay wasn’t supposed to be alone. Kelly watched as Jay took off his prosthetic and leaned against the headboard of his bed. “Thanks again, Kelly. I’m sorry, I must have ruined some plans you had with Stella,” Jay apologized for the hundredth time. “It’s fine. I told Stella and she understood. Besides, we have some catching up to do in the morning when you feel better. Now, where’s your spare pillows?” Kelly asked only to get a confused shrug from Jay. “Just take Voight’s. He’s actually a clean freak if you can believe it, and he changed his sheets before he left. Haven’t been slept on,” Jay suggested. Sounded good enough for Kelly. He exited Jay’s room and returned a few minutes later with a duvet and a pillow. He tossed them on Jay’s bed and proceeded to empty the couch and spread it open to make it a bed of sorts. “Gotta warn you, sometimes I snore,” Kelly said when he finished getting his bed for the night ready. Jay considered how to answer. Be honest. “Sometimes I talk and stuff in my sleep. Umm, throw a pillow at me or something. I can be a bit.. rowdy if you touch me,” Jay said somewhat honestly. “What, you’re going to deck me in your sleep?” Kelly teased. “Yeah. Exactly,” Jay replied seriously. Oh. “Right then. Good to know. Uhmmm… sandwich, meds and then bed?” Kelly suggested. Jay wasn’t that hungry but he had skipped his afternoon snack and dinner already, and taking his meds on an empty stomach wasn’t the best idea, so he nodded yes to Kelly. “Be right back,” Kelly replied and left again. He returned soon with simple ham sandwiches. “Eat up. I’ll get us something to drink in a second,” Kelly said and held a plate for Jay. Jay nodded thanks and took it. He forced himself to eat almost all of it, and he finished the glass of orange juice that Kelly brought. “Do you take anything else besides the meds we got today?” Kelly asked a few minutes later. He was holding a bottle of painkillers in his hand. “Not today. Thanks. For everything,” Jay said and accepted the pills from Kelly. Kelly disappeared somewhere and returned a few minutes later. Bathroom? “Umm, feel free to dig through my closet for something to wear if you need,” Jay said tiredly. He’d shuffled under the covers a while ago and was on the edge of falling asleep. He just wanted the day to be over already. “Thanks man. I got it, you get some rest,” Kelly replied softly and watched as Jay’s eyes closed and didn’t open again. Kelly found a pair of loose fitting basketball shorts and stripped out of his day clothes and changed into the shorts. He observed Jay for a moment. “Tomorrow will be interesting, hopefully he’ll talk to me..” Kelly muttered out loud. He texted Stella goodnight and gave a vague update about Jay. He also sent Violet a quick update and another thanks for helping with Jay. He placed his phone on the floor next to the couch. He had an alarm every 3.5 hours to wake Jay up, just as a precaution. Kelly climbed into bed / couch, and after a final glance at Jay, he got snuggly under the duvet and closed his eyes. 

Chapter Text

Kelly sat across from Jay in Voight’s kitchen, both nursing slightly ridiculously large mugs of coffee. Yeah, it had been a long night. Neither man has been happy to wake up to Kelly’s alarm throughout the night. They’d sat in silence for about twenty minutes, just waiting for their coffees to kick in, do something to give them a little boost. “I have breakfast pancakes in the freezer. They just need to be heated,” Jay eventually spoke up. Kelly nodded and attempted to stand up to fetch them but Jay stopped him. “Umm. Better I get them. I have a system,” Jay said with a small smile and stood up. Kelly turned in his seat curiously, and watched Jay open the freezer department of the fridge.  It was filled to the brim. “Jesus, how much do you need?” Kelly laughed. It took Jay no more than a couple of seconds to identify the pancake box and grab it without making the entire contents of the freezer collapse. “I have a meal plan that my umm, nutritionist made. Meal prepping helps, sometimes I’m not in the mood to cook and Hank’s well, Hank,” Jay explained as he opened the container and emptied it to a pan. He put it on the stove and turned on the heat. “These have protein powder mixed into the flour, you can’t really tell though because the berries hide the taste so well. I umm, I was kind of skinny so I needed some extra everything,” Jay explained shyly. He loved to talk about his cooking. A few moments later, Jay plated the pancakes and offered one plate to Kelly and took a seat. “Umm, you don’t need any jam with these. They have smashed berries inside so,” Jay said and watched Kelly take a bite. Jay proudly ducked his head at Kelly’s pleased expression. “Man, these are good. I bet they’d love these at the firehouse,” Kelly said. The pair ate the rest of their meals in silence, but Jay could see that Kelly was itching to talk, to ask questions. “You can ask, Severide. I owe you as much after calling you yesterday and asking for a favor,” Jay eventually said. Kelly pushed his empty plate away and crossed his arms. “I don’t even know where to start. I guess, how are you? Today I mean. Still have a headache?” Kelly questioned. “Not really, not as bad as yesterday. It’s fine. Talking with Fischer yesterday helped, umm I’ll be okay,” Jay replied and waited for the next question. Kelly seemed pleased with Jay’s answer, and deemed him fit enough for the tougher questions. “When did you get back?” the firefighter asked. Jay had to actually think, he’d been kind of out of it back then.  “Late last year I think? It’s all sort of blended together, what happened. I think it was around the holidays,” Jay answered. Jay’s own answer made him feel sad. He’d spent the holidays alone in a hospital, or in captivity. He wasn’t sure but it certainly wasn’t a good time spent with family and friends. Kelly’s nod was an indication for Jay to continue what happened. “Umm, actually how much do you know?” Jay asked before he started telling his story. “I don’t know anything. No one does. The only thing we’ve had is rumors, gossip. Intelligence won’t talk to us at all,” Kelly replied, not in a hostile way but a bit displeased. Can’t really blame him. “Oh okay. Great,” Jay muttered. He’d hoped to avoid having to explain Bolivia to Kelly. Jay still didn’t have to, but he owed Kelly as much. “Are you skipping work because of me?” Jay asked instead of continuing his story. “No, shift ended last night. I have the next 36 hours off,” Kelly replied shortly. Jay nodded, and considered his approach. “You know I left for Bolivia to fend off the drug cartels. Ran into some trouble, bad people. At the end of it I was pretty banged up. I don’t want to badmouth anyone but the docs in Bolivia, they weren’t the best. They tried their best of course. Told me not to fly back to the States so soon, but I didn’t listen. Flew back with a friend, I still don’t know how they let me board a plane like that. Anyway. I umm, got pretty sick from the flying, and it just happened that we had a layover in Chicago. My buddy freaked and took me to Med. I don’t really remember much. Some days pass I think, wake up and my leg’s gone. It was to be expected, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I just made it worse by flying. Pulmonary embolism, that’s what it got me. It wasn’t the least of my problems, nor the last. After the, umm, the burn unit reluctantly transferred me to a different floor I figured it was enough hospitals for me, so I left,” Jay hoped his explanation was enough for Kelly. The older man digested Jay’s words. “But what happened to you?” Kelly asked. It’s like he heard Jay but didn’t understand. Again, who could blame him? It wasn’t an easy topic. “Okay, umm. My last mission was compromised and I was held captive. My team got me back eventually, but as you can tell from my missing leg, they were too late,” Jay put it bluntly. There. Kelly nodded his head slowly. “Man, I’m sorry. That’s messed up,” Kelly said with a sad voice. Jay gave him a small smile. “Thanks. I was in a bad way when I left Med. Mentally, physically. No one knew I was back. I don’t know how I didn’t run into anyone at Med, considering how often your guys or my team stop by there,” Jay continued. “Hit a rough patch. I didn’t have much. Everything I had was put into the apartment I bought with Hailey. But with the divorce… I just didn’t want to fight it out, so I let her take everything. Ended up with some shady people and that’s how they found me. Intelligence I mean,” Jay finished. It was a broad and simplified version of the events but it summed up the key events. “I just don’t get why you didn’t reach out sooner. That’s what friends and family are for, you ask for help when you’re at your lowest,” Kelly sighed. What he didn’t say out loud was that he understood. Too well. All those years ago when he had injured his neck and didn’t tell anyone. Anyone except Shay. Kelly thought he could handle it without everyone else being involved. “I didn’t think there was anything people could do to help. If you’d seen me then.. Even now, I’m not great most days. But back then? I didn’t need people fussing over me. I didn’t need their pity. Them feeling sorry for me, sticking around to help just so that they didn’t feel guilty about leaving. No, it was better with everyone in the dark,” Jay defended. “And now? Why are you letting people help now then?” Kelly challenged. “You waited months to call me. I seemed to be your last resort - which is fine I don’t care. But why did you call? You knew you’d end up at Med, you were bleeding and on blood thinners for crying out loud.” The man had a good point and Jay acknowledged that. “I was tired before, okay? Tired of living, tired of being here. But then I got tired of being alone I guess. I went days without speaking. I missed… people?” Jay exhaled. He hadn’t really talked about the loneliness before. There was just too much still to unpack. Kelly stayed silent. “And I called you because, I guess because too much time had passed for me to just text and go ‘hey wanna catch up?’ you know? But you’re my friend. I missed you,” Jay admitted quietly. “I missed you too. You’re alright for a cop,” Kelly said with a small smile. “I’m not a .. not a cop anymore,” Jay corrected sadly. Kelly gave him a sad smile in return. 

The men spent the rest of the morning catching up. Severide told Jay about his fire investigation work and gave short summaries of the lives of his coworkers. They talked about sports, mostly hockey. Jay brought up swimming and briefly mentioned how free and light he felt every time he swam. Except yesterday at the beach. Jay told Kelly about the rude couple and their crying child, and Kelly nodded sympathetically along the story being told. “Stella likes to go to the beach sometimes. You should come with us next time. I think she wants to go this weekend when we both have a day off,” Kelly suggested. Jay couldn’t hide a grimace. He hadn’t been swimming without Tony before, and he was positive Tony wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Jay repeated his thoughts to Kelly. “Why wouldn’t he want to see you again? Yesterday wasn’t your fault. You're allowed to go to the beach like everyone else,” Kelly said. Ah. Jay hadn’t told him about Tony and Hailey yet. “Well, Tony seems to be Hailey’s new boyfriend. And Tony found out about us being married yesterday. Of course we’re divorced now but,” Jay said slowly. Kelly ran a hand through his short hair. “Wow man, you just have the worst luck as of late. Tony’s your coach, right? He can be a professional. It’s not like you and Hailey cheated on Tony, right?” Kelly offered. That was true. “You could call him today, ask if he wants to meet to talk things through. The least he can do is refer you to a new coach,” he continued. “We do have a lesson again next week, I should sort it out before..” Jay thought and Kelly nodded. “Go on, call him now then.” Jay didn’t need to be told twice. He scrolled through the contacts list on his phone, stared at Tony’s number for a second before pressing call. The man picked up shortly. “This is Tony,” the voice said. “Umm, hi. It’s Jay. Halstead,” Jay said awkwardly. “Oh. Hi Jay, what can I do for you?” Tony asked. Jay glanced at Kelly who nodded encouragingly. “Listen, I think we need to talk. About yesterday. Are you free today? I could offer you a cup of coffee,” Jay tried. Tony was quiet for a while but eventually replied. “I should be free at two, how does that sound? I take it you're at your apartment?” Tony questioned. “Two sounds great, and umm yeah I’m here,” Jay replied and Kelly showed him a thumbs up. Jay and Tony finished the call shortly after. “He’ll be here at two,” Jay confirmed to Kelly. “I’ll give you some peace, is it cool if I come back around four? I should check on Stella,” Kelly suggested. “Man it’s okay, you don’t need to. I’ll be fine on my own, thanks” Jay replied but Kelly shook his head. “Five then. I’ll be here at five. With pizza and beer. Don’t argue, we still have a lot to catch up on,” Kelly said firmly. Okay then. They talked a bit more until Kelly headed off to give Jay some time to shower and get ready for Tony’s visit. “Back at five!” Kelly shouted as he exited the apartment. Jay sighed. What had he gotten himself into? 

The doorbell rang just past two o’clock. Jay straightened his shirt and went to open the door. Tony was always a precise man who arrived on time. “Hi Tony, thanks for coming,” Jay greeted and let the other man in. “Sure, any time Jay,” Tony replied and left his jacket at the door. Jay led the way to the kitchen and turned on the coffee machine. “I just wanted to clear the air about yesterday,” Jay started as he motioned for Tony to take a seat. Once they both were sitting, Jay continued. “I hope I didn’t cause any bad blood or anything. I didn’t know you were with Hailey when I booked your classes,” Jay said genuinely. “I get it. Chicago offers a lot but in terms of swimming teachers who specialize in amputee swimming techniques? There isn’t much to choose from,” Tony said. “And you didn’t cause anything between me and Hailey. It was already there, you just helped us see it.” Jay stood to pour them both a coffee, and Tony waited politely before speaking again. Once Jay was seated and both men had their coffees, he continued. “Hailey hasn’t called, has she?” “She actually did. Yesterday. But I didn’t answer. Or read her text. I was… preoccupied with something else,” Jay answered and gestured to his head where you could see a tidy row of stitches. “Ouch, what happened there?” Tony asked with furrowed brows. “Fell and hit my head. It’s fine though,” Jay replied, not entirely untruthful. Tony looked doubtful but moved on. “So you didn’t call her back? I think you should,” Tony said. Jay let out a huff. “Sure. So I can listen to her yell at me for ruining everything. Sounds like a good time ,” Jay replied sarcastically. “Jay, she still has feelings for you. That’s what we talked about yesterday after we dropped you off. And I know you still feel something for her too. I saw the look on your face when I called her my girlfriend,” Tony explained slowly to make sure Jay heard him correctly. “She said that? Because she’s made it perfectly clear that she wants nothing to do with me,” Jay said with a doubtful voice. “I don’t know what’s been going on with you two lately but it was pretty darn obvious yesterday. You two need to sort this out and talk. I don’t know how things will work out in the end but you have to talk to her,” Tony said, and Jay was surprised to hear no anger or jealousy in his voice. Jay took a sip of his coffee and considered how to proceed. “How are you not mad at me?” Jay had to ask. Tony shrugged. “What would that do? Nothing. I can’t help Hailey with this, and I can’t help you. I just have to let the two of you sort it out and go from there. I like her, a lot. But I don’t know if we want the same thing from a relationship,” Tony replied honestly. They sat in silence for a while, both men considering each other’s words. “If you want me to look for a new coach then I totally understand,” Jay was the one to speak first. Tony looked surprised. “Why would you do that? Oh, I mean if you’d rather have someone else then I completely understand. I can give you some recommendations if you need,” Tony answered, professionally just like Severide has figured earlier. “Oh, I just thought you wouldn’t want to teach me anymore,” Jay replied quietly. Tony gave him an encouraging smile. “No, Jay. I don’t see a reason to do that. We’re both adults, and I have no issue with continuing our lessons if you’re cool,” Tony said. Jay gave him a small smile in return. “Oh. That’s good. I was already worried about finding someone who’s as patient as you are,” Jay was relieved. “Listen. I don’t know what will happen with me and Hailey. Maybe we break up, maybe the two of you get back together. But we? We both have been keeping things simple. We show up, swim and go through the lessons, then go our separate ways. That’s all we need to do in the future too,” Tony said and extended his hand in a fist. Jay chuckled. Typical Tony, don’t let things get too serious. Jay returned the fist bump. “I can do that. Thanks, Tony.” They finished their coffees and talked about their upcoming classes. They decided that since Jay had stitches, they should cancel next week’s lesson and have a longer one the following week. The conversation slowed down, and Tony took that as his que to leave. As he was putting on his coat in the hall, he looked at Jay with a serious expression. “Please Jay, call Hailey. Sort things out. If not for you then do it for her,” Tony said and left Jay standing alone in the hall. 

Jay wanted to cook. He had noticed that cooking helped him with stress. But the fridge was full of food, the freezer had enough for at least one week, and Kelly was bound to arrive with pizza soon. After Tony had left, Jay used the opportunity to use his TENS machine instead of making food that didn’t need to be cooked. He liked to use it even on days when he didn’t have any phantom pains or nerve pain. He wasn’t completely sure if using the machine actually helped but it didn’t make things worse, and it brought temporary relief if nothing else. And as usual, he dozed off while the machine was going through its program, and when he woke up he only had about fifteen minutes before Kelly was supposed to be here. He figured he and Kelly would just hang out in the living room and talk shit so he decided to leave his prosthetic off for now. While he was allowed to wear it for almost an entire day now, he still made sure to not overdo it, and took breaks when he could. Doctor Garcia had said that Jay had been making good progress, and that his running blade would be delivered by mid to late July. Jay just needed to be patient and have enough rest days until then. His new sockets would be made when the running blade arrived, so Jay was taking extra good care of himself. He even put on one of those fancy little stump socks, grabbed his crutches and wandered into the living room. He turned on the tv and left the remote on the side table. He then fetched some napkins and an oregano shaker from the kitchen. He liked extra oregano on his pizza, but he didn’t think Kelly knew that. Jay then sat down on the couch to wait for Kelly. 

Kelly was running late and arrived almost 40 minutes after the original meetup time. The man carrying the pizza boxes kept apologizing to Jay as he opened the door for him, but Jay brushed him off. “I used the extra time to chill after Tony left. Don’t sweat it. Now come on, I’m starving,” Jay said and led the way to the living room. Jay had found some old game from the playoffs and it was running in the background. Jay took a seat and Kelly offered him one box, and sat down next to him with the other. He placed the pack of beers on the floor between them. “How was it with Tony?” Kelly asked after a while. Jay finished his bite. “It went well actually. Moved my lesson from next week since I probably shouldn’t swim in chlorine water with stitches,” Jay said and reached for a beer. He knew it’d be okay if he had one. He handed one beer to Kelly as well. “What did I say? A professional guy,” Kelly said and took a swig. “Yeah, it was almost weird to be honest. He told me to call Hailey. I would have done the opposite in his shoes,” Jay replied after taking a swig as well. Kelly tilted his head and chuckled. Jay let out a small grunt. “What’s that look for?” he asked. “Come on. From what I’ve gathered so far, you and Upton have got some unfinished business that desperately needs taking care of. You literally just said that if you were still with Hailey you’d tell all the other guys to piss off,” Kelly chuckled and waited for Jay to realize that Kelly was onto something. “Shut up, man” Jay grumbled but couldn’t hide the hint of a smile on his lips. They ate a few more slices before Kelly started again. “So. Did you call her yet?” he teased. “No! I think it’s all a misunderstanding. She’s made it very clear she doesn’t want to see me,” Jay said and took a big gulp of beer. Kelly wasn’t going to let Jay be though. “Maybe that’s because she didn’t want to admit that she still likes you. Come on, you two were basically perfect together.  Isn’t she worth the fight?” Kelly pressed and Jay wanted to agree. Because he did, Hailey was absolutely worth it. “She loved the old me. The detective me. Not some broken version of me. She deserves better than me,” Jay replied firmly. “But isn’t it her decision to choose? You don’t know, she could still love you no matter what,” Kelly countered and Jay stayed silent. “You know, Stella and I had some issues too. A while back,” Kelly changed his approach. “I had a really big job opportunity. Investigating fires on a national level. Prestigious group, really hard to get involved. But I got a spot. I worked a case and had to be away from Stella. It was really rough, especially for her. I got so focused on the case that I unintentionally ignored her. She was pissed. For a good reason. She practically dragged me home. But we worked it out. She originally wanted me to give up fire investigation but we compromised. I’m there for her now. It’s different,” Kelly finished. Jay listened carefully but couldn’t relate. “That’s different though and you know it,” Jay tried to argue but he couldn’t bring any heat into his words. “Maybe it is different but I know that marriage isn’t easy. It’s something you have to fight for,” Kelly reasoned. “I know you’re not married anymore, but a piece of paper doesn’t magically erase your feelings.” Damn, Kelly was speaking some painful truths… “When did you get so smart, Severide?” Jay muttered. Kelly playfully shoved Jay’s shoulder. “It’s you who finally learned to listen. But please, think about it okay? I know you’re probably tired of hearing this after Tony gave you an earful but Hailey deserves some closure. You do too,” Kelly said and turned his attention to the game. The third period was about halfway done. Jay chuckled. Don’t let things get too deep, Jay. 

Jay tried to persuade Kelly to go home for the night but Kelly pointed out the empty beer bottles on the table. “Why is a cop encouraging me to drink and drive? I should tell Voight,” Kelly joked as he and Jay started cleaning the living room. “I’m not a cop anymore and besides I meant that you’d get a taxi call Stella to pick you up,” Jay said as he placed the bottles back into their cardboard pack. “Well you’re not getting rid of me today. I’ll leave early tomorrow, I have a shift,” Kelly declared and took the empty pizza boxes and napkins. Jay then realized that Kelly had brought an overnight bag with him this time. “Fine, stay if you want. But I’ve turned into an old man, I usually hit the hay around nine so,” Jay said and made his way to the kitchen. “That’s fine, like I said I’ll need to leave early. I’m swinging by home to get Stella,” Kelly said and placed the boxes on the table. He’d take them out in the morning. As it was already eight, the men started slowly getting ready for bed. Severide headed for the shower, and Jay went into his room to do some daily stretches and light cardio. Forty minutes later both men were in their beds, and thanks to the alcohol from the beers they were both feeling tired. “I might be gone by the time you wake up so I’m going to say it one more time today. Call Hailey, tomorrow. Okay?” Kelly ordered. Jay tossed one of his decorative pillows at him. “Shut up and sleep already.” Kelly laughed and threw back the pillow. 

Jay woke up to find his room empty. Kelly had indeed left already. He had cleared the couch and put it back together, and he had taken the pillowcase and sheets off so Jay could wash them later. Man, I slept like a rock. Didn’t hear him at all,” Jay thought as he reached for his prosthetic. After it was firmly placed, he stood up to grab the sheets to wash immediately. Hank would be back home later that evening, and Jay didn’t want dirty laundry all over. Jay exited his room and noticed how Kelly had also taken the trash out. He’d text and thank him later. Jay walked to the bathroom and stuffed the sheets into the washer and selected the program. Hank didn’t like scented products, so Jay didn’t need to pick a scent to use. He turned the machine on and wandered to the kitchen to get a start on breakfast. He glanced at the clock as he was firing up the coffee machine. A little past nine. He had physical therapy at Med after lunch, so plenty of time to get things sorted until then. Jay made himself some scrambled eggs and an avocado toast, and took a seat on the table. He took his phone out of the pocket of his shorts. Tony and Kelly’s words rang in his head. He should call Hailey. But she would probably be at work again.  Jay opened the texts app instead and typed a message; ‘Hi Hailey. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner. I’d explain but it doesn’t matter. If you want to talk, can you call me after four, or you can come to Hank’s. He’s not supposed to be back until around nine. I have PT at Med from 12.30 to 14, unavailable then.’ It was probably the most thought out message he’d ever written. He sent it and put his phone down to finish breakfast. There were some dishes in the sink from yesterday, so Jay washed those after breakfast. Because the tap was on Jay didn’t hear his phone buzzing on the table. After dishes Jay checked the time and continued with chores. Hank never particularly asked Jay to clean, but Jay wanted to show his appreciation so he did what he could. He vacuumed most of the rooms, wiped surfaces with a wet cloth to get most of the dust off. He even scrubbed the bathroom a little, a chore he despised. He did some more laundry after the sheets were done; he put them in the dryer and fetched some of his clothes. When Jay finally realized to check his phone that had been muted, he had one message from Hailey. He sat down to read it. ‘I think we do need to talk. I’ll come by. Maybe around six if nothing comes up, I’ll let you know.’ Jay felt butterflies in his stomach. Should he cook something? Six was definitely late enough for dinner. But this wasn’t a date, they just needed to talk. And dinner could be distracting. If she wanted food then Jay could take something from his stash in the freezer. Or, he could just ask. He texted Hailey and asked if she’d want dinner too. Jay then looked around the apartment and decided to clean more. He put some misplaced items back into their own spots, wiped the stove and the oven clean, and polished the sink. Okay, maybe he was stress cleaning at that point. A reminder chimed from his phone, telling Jay that he’d need to leave soon for Med. Jay, with the help of Trudy, had found the most solid public transport routes and he used them most of the time when he had an appointment at Med. Jay cut it a bit too close as he had to wait for the washing machine to finish before he gathered his things and sprinted out the door. He made it to his bus, just barely. 

The appointment at Med went well. He had a checkup scheduled at the end of his physical therapy session, and things were looking good. Jay would finish his rehabilitation program in two weeks. There was little to be done to improve his left hand as the damage wasn’t muscular but nerve level. He’d still tried as one of his doctors had suggested but after months of no improvement, it was declared that his loss of sensation in his left palm would be permanent. It wasn’t anything life changing, he still had basically full function of his hand and fingers. It was just harder to feel anything with it. But at least Jay’s legs were doing great. His physical therapy focused on both legs, not just his un-whole one. Jay would need to be careful in his future as he’d be at a higher risk of developing arthritis in his right side joints as they’d bear more of his weight whenever Jay wasn’t wearing his prosthetic. There weren’t any negative findings in his checkup, so he left the hospital in good spirits. While he waited outside for the bus Jay checked his phone again. He unmuted it while he still remembered. One new message from Hailey. ‘I can eat if you do. But don’t cook just for me. Should be there at 5.45.’ So it was really happening. She actually agreed to meet him, face to face.  Man, Jay needed to think what he was going to say. But first he needed to figure out how he felt. But before all that he needed to make it back home. Home. It felt surreal to call Hank’s apartment home. But that’s what it had become to Jay. It had been over two months since he moved in. And now, in less than two months he’d start to look for a new place, just for him. Jay’s home. He both dreaded and waited for that day. He wanted his privacy and independence but he also enjoyed the occasional company. He and Hank didn’t always speak much, but it was the presence of another person that oftentimes helped Jay relax. Jay’s musings were disturbed by the bus finally arriving, fashionably late as usual. He hopped on, paid for his ticket and took a seat. Plenty of time until she comes… Jay thought to himself as the bus started moving. 

He was definitely going crazy. Jay still had hours to kill until Hailey would get there. He’d texted Kelly after getting home from Med and thanked him for everything. And he did share his plans with Hailey too, and Kelly sent a smug looking emoji as a response. Jay wasn’t a big emoji guy, but the only reasonable response to Kelly’s message was one middle finger emoji. Jay checked the time after he sent the last message to Kelly. Their conversation took a total of three minutes. Jay looked around the apartment, desperately trying to find something to do. Reading wouldn’t work, his mind was too unfocused. He’d cleaned and organized everything in the morning… except the laundry. He could fold them and put them away. Jay even put Hank’s sheets back on the duvet and pillow, and made the bed with extra precision. All that took… less than thirty minutes. Wait. Didn’t Justin have that old Xbox? Jay went to his room to check, and there it was right under the television. He hadn’t played on one in years. Maybe when he was in Afghanistan? Lots of time to waste on base sometimes. Jay still remembered how to turn it on. He looked at the game options. Some old NHL game, sure that works. Jay fiddled with the remote to change the tv’s channel onto HDMI1, and sat on the couch with a controller in hand. Jay hadn’t played this exact NHL game before, but they were all similar enough. He started a game and after some minor adjustments to the team lineups, Jay was ready to play. Oh, this is fun. I should have played more weeks ago, Jay thought almost instantly. While he still had sense in him, he set an alarm on his phone for 5.30. Just in case he got too focused on the game and lost track of time. It wouldn’t be a good look if he was in the middle of a game when Hailey got there. Jay still felt the butterflies in his stomach, but the game was helping take his mind off the upcoming conversation. Jay hoped it was a conversation at least, and not a confrontation. He’d find out soon enough as he felt himself getting sucked into the game. Time would surely pass quickly. Jay played a game and lost brutally. Maybe he should have gone over the controls first. Second round would surely go better. After three more losses Jay remembered the game difficulty settings. Ah, that explains it. Justin must have played this a lot as it was set on the highest possible option. Jay admitted defeat and selected beginner mode for himself. Halfway through a game Jay was finally finding his rhythm. So he played another round and did some fine tuning with his team. First victory! Okay, one more game, Jay promised to himself. And after two more, Jay’s phone startled him. The timer was up. Jay dropped the controller as if it had burned him. He picked up his phone to check the time. 5.31. Oh, shit. Jay scrambled to his feet and hurried to turn off the game. Damn, he almost finished the last round. He tidied his room just a bit, and checked his outfit in the mirror. Black shorts and a white t-shirt. Fancy. But it was fine. It’s not like this was a date or anything. Jay grabbed his phone and went to the living room to wait. His hand passed by his pocket where both sea glass pieces were offering their support. Jay opened the tv for some background noise, and the channel that opened up had a nature documentary on. Jay startled when he heard the doorbell ring. This was it. He took a shaky breath and stood up to go open the door. It’ll be fine, Halstead. 

Chapter Text

She looked beautiful to say the least. Jay couldn’t help but stare when he opened the door. “Umm, Hailey, hi. Come on in,” Jay stuttered and moved aside to let her in. “Jay,” Hailey simply greeted as she walked past him. Jau shut the door behind her. “Are you hungry? I have some leftovers. Or some coffee if that’s enough,” Jay asked as they walked down the hall. Hailey went towards the living room. “Nothing for now, thanks. We should probably talk first,” Hailey replied and took a seat on the couch. Jay wanted to leave enough space between them so he took a seat on one of the armchairs. “I talked to Tony yesterday. He felt like us two had some… unresolved issues that we need to figure out,” Jay started slowly. He didn’t really have a manual to read about how to deal with your ex wife and potential romantic feelings you still had for each other. “Tony told me the same thing too. I didn’t really want to - what’s that on your head?” Hailey started but noticed the stitches on Jay’s head. Jay’s hand went up to gently touch the row of stitches just above his brow bone. “Oh. Just a little incident with the nightstand. Nothing to worry about,” Jay replied casually. “Nothing to worry about? Yet it was bad enough to need stitches, presumably from Med? We both know how you are with hospitals,” Hailey countered. Jay huffed out a small laugh. “You always knew me so well,” Jay said almost fondly. “Until at the end,” Hailey quipped. It was a good way to steer the conversation toward the main topic. “I never properly apologized for that, didn’t take responsibility. I was just so lost in my path that I didn’t know what else to do,” Jay started softly. Hailey crossed her arms and waited. “I am sorry though. For everything. How I left you, ignored your feelings and how my choices affected you. How I left you with all the bills. I’m sorry that I stopped answering your calls or texts, and I’m sorry for coming back,” Jay quieted and let Hailey think about what he’d said so far. “I get that you were hurting. But you weren’t the only one. I don’t know how I’m supposed to move past the fact that our marriage meant so little to you,” Hailey’s voice was laced with pain. Jay adjusted in his chair. “No but it didn’t mean little. I was crushed when you sent the divorce papers, okay? But I didn’t know how to fight for us from four thousand miles away. I thought it was what you wanted. I didn’t know any better as I hadn’t answered your calls in months at that point. I just didn’t want to keep hurting you by fighting it,” Jay explained with teary eyes. He knew it’d be difficult to talk about everything, and it was. “So why didn’t you just call me? I didn’t want to end our marriage. But you left me no choice. I tried to reach you in every other way. I had to call Major Baxter to find out about your extension. You didn’t bother to tell me yourself. Do you know how that felt?” Hailey shot at him. Jay ran his hands over his face. “I was afraid, okay! I didn’t know how to come home. There everything just made sense. I knew my role. I did what I was told. Made decisions when it was necessary. I had… clarity. But coming home to you scared the shit out of me. I didn’t do bad things over there, but I wasn’t a cop either. The rules are different over there for soldiers. I was afraid how you’d see me differently if you knew,” Jay explained with a sigh. He couldn’t look at her anymore. “You know I would have loved you the same. I meant everything I said in our vows. Did you?” Hailey said firmly. “Of course I did..,” Jay muttered. “Then why didn’t you come back?!” Hailey demanded with a raised voice. “It was for Bennett!” Jay finally revealed. Hailey tilted her head. “Who’s Bennett?” She’d never heard that name before. “His wife was pregnant, okay? Their first kid, twins. Boy and a girl. Our unit needed seven guys. Six had already extended their contracts. It was down to me or him.  I didn’t want to. But I couldn’t be the reason why Bennett didn’t see the birth of his children. So I signed the contract. I knew Bennett wouldn’t ask me. So I made sure to sign it before he had the opportunity to sign one himself, before he knew we needed one more guy. He needed to be home for his wife and kids,” Jay explained. He had never told anyone, not even his unit buddies. Only his commanding officer knew the reason why he asked for the extension in his contract. It had been weighing on him for months, and now it was finally out there. “Oh Jay..,” Hailey sighed. “You should have told me. I would have understood.” Jay scoffed at that. “That I chose a random guy you have never even met over you? Sure, Hails, you would have understood,” Jay replied sharply. “You decided for me! How is that fair? I told you already I meant everything in our vows. I would have stood by you if you just spoke to me,” Hailey replied and wiped away a tear. Jay hated how he was the reason for her pain. “I was just so afraid I’d lose you. And look where that got me anyway..,” Jay muttered. Hailey sighed and moved on the couch so she could reach for Jay. “You never would have lost me,” she said softly as her hand hovered just above Jay’s arm. She wanted to touch him. She’d missed him so badly. Hailey withdrew her hand. Jay gave her a sad smile. “I thought of you. A lot. When I was held,” Jay blurted. Hailey looked shocked at his words. “There were days when I wished they’d just, kill me. Or let me do it myself. But then I thought of you,” Jay admitted softly. He glanced at Hailey and the tears streaming down her cheeks. “I thought about how I wanted to see you one more time. I thought about your eyes, your smile. How gentle your touch felt against my skin. I just wanted to feel seen again. Like you always saw me. The real me. I wanted all that. One last time. So I had to get through it,” Jay’s cheeks were wet with tears as well. “I realized how badly I had fucked up when I left you. I tried to get back to you. I swear I tried so hard until I couldn’t anymore. I didn’t want to leave you forever,” Jay spoke until his voice cracked and he couldn’t control the tears and sobs anymore. He lowered his head and held it in his hands. Then, all of a sudden, Jay felt gentle hands on his shoulders. Hailey. Her hands were uncertain, shaking just a little. She exhaled deeply and wrapped her arms around Jay. He could feel her tears dropping against his skin. It was the most vulnerable sensation in the entire world. 

Hailey eventually pulled back when her back started aching from being leaned over for so long. She and Jay had stopped crying a while ago. Jay mourned the loss of her warmth, he longed for her already. But she wasn’t his to hold anymore. Jay wiped his face with the hem of his shirt. “I think I know what this situation needs,” Jay said with a hoarse voice and stood up. He walked off and returned a moment later with two spoons and a tub of ice cream. Mango. With chunks in it. Jay sat down next to Hailey and offered her a spoon. She took it without a word. Jay opened the tub of ice cream and let her take the first spoonful. “You never liked mango that much,” Hailey said softly after tasting the ice cream to confirm it was indeed her favorite. Even her favorite brand that she didn’t buy often because it was almost ten dollars a tub. “It reminded me of us. Of you,” Jay admitted and took a spoonful. They ate in silence for a while, both looking for words to continue. “I would have waited for you. Until the end,” Hailey eventually broke the silence. “All you had to do was call me. Text me back.” “And I’ll regret that mistake until the end of my days,” Jay replied with a lowered voice. “Towards the end, I think I saw you sometimes. You didn’t do anything. You just stood there, watched. I could never fully see your face though. Sometimes you’d walk up to me and I could almost reach out and touch you. But you always stayed just an inch too far,” Jay said. He didn’t know why he was telling her about his fever dreams. “How long?” Hailey asked quietly. Jay hummed at her with a confused look. “How long were you held?” Hailey asked again. Jay had told the team before, but his answer then had been terribly vague. “29 days,” Jay eventually whispered. Hailey’s face fell. Jay had said before that it wasn’t that long of a time period. But a month?! “Oh, Jay..,” Hailey said softly. “I just wanted to come home. I tried so hard, I promise I did,” Jay said with a broken voice. He sounded so defeated, and Hailey’s heart broke out for him. “Would you tell me about it?” Hailey asked gently, and Jay immediately shook his head no. “I won’t do that to you. You don’t deserve that sort of pain,” Jay said firmly. So Will can choose for himself but the love of your life can’t? The mystery voice was back in Jay’s head. Hailey sighed, secretly relieved. She wasn’t sure why she had asked. Her eyes wandered down, and settled on Jay’s hands. She looked at his left hand and… “What happened to your ring finger?” Hailey asked carefully. Jay looked down at his hands. Oh. The unburned band of flesh on his ring finger. “I wore it every day. One of the guys called me a simp. But I didn’t care. I still wore it when they, umm, the tar,” Jay’s words turned into mumbles by the end of the sentence. Hailey reached out for Jay’s hand. She gave him a gentle smile when he hesitated. Jay offered her his left hand. She gently took it and flipped it over carefully. She studied the burned scarring on Jay’s palm. Her fingers traced the edges of the burns, her touch light as a feather. She looked at Jay with sad eyes. “I can’t really feel it. Your touch. It burned my nerves. They’re basically gone,” Jay explained with a sad smile. Hailey continued to trace the burnt area, from the palm to the fingers. She reached the ring finger last. “Your ring kept this area safe?” she asked even though she already knew the answer. “Your love was the only thing that kept me safe. They didn’t break me. They tried but they couldn’t,” Jay didn’t mean to say that out loud. But for some reason he did. “It’s ironic actually. How I have a permanent reminder of how I fucked up the greatest thing that ever happened to me,” Jay said quietly and looked at Hailey. She let go of Jay’s hand. “What happened to it?” Hailey asked, she didn’t know what else to say. She hadn’t expected Jay to be so, emotionally vulnerable today. “The ring? I still have it,” Jay said and stood up. He walked away and Hailey wanted to follow. But she couldn’t stand up. She tried. Jay returned soon with a brown envelope. He held it out for Hailey and she took it. She placed the spoon on her lap and carefully opened the envelope. Inside was a black velvet pouch. She tugged at the strings and opened it. Turned it upside down over her opened palm. Two halves of a ring fell out. The ring she had chosen for him. She remembered that day well. One of her happiest. “I still had it on when I got to Med. They cut it off but saved it for me. I haven’t had it in me to get it fixed. Didn’t really see the point. Our marriage is over, why fix the ring? It’s too late now,” Jay explained softly. Hailey held the two pieces in her fist. “Is it?” she asked carefully. “Is it what?” Jay repeated. “Too late? To fix the ring?” Hailey asked again. Jay blinked slowly. What was she implying..? “Do you mean-“ Jay started but couldn’t finish because the front door opened, and Voight marched in. He was on his phone so he didn’t immediately notice Hailey and Jay having a moment on the couch. Only when Jay cleared his throat did the sergeant lift his head. “Oh. Halstead, Upton,” Hank’s eyes scanned both of them. “Am I interrupting something?” he asked and put one of his bags down with a thud. Hailey was quick to stand up. “All good, sarge. I was about to go soon anyway. Jay, thanks for the ice cream,” Hailey said and snuck out before Jay had a chance to process what happened. 

“I definitely interrupted, huh?” Hank said after he had taken his bags to his room. Jay was still on the couch, a mostly eaten tub of ice cream on his lap. Jay grunted at Voight and said nothing. The older man took the hint and walked off. Jay looked at the envelope and velvet pouch that had fallen from Hailey’s lap to the floor. He hadn’t heard the clank of a metal from the ring pieces hitting the floor. Hailey must have taken them with her in her panic. Jay fished his phone from his pocket and opened the text messages between him and Hailey. ‘If you took the rings then could you please not throw them away. I know they’re not much but I would still like to keep them. I wish we could have talked more. Sorry again, Hailey.’ Jay waited for 45 minutes but got no reply. He sighed and stood up to apologize to Hank for his earlier attitude.

Chapter Text

Life got busy after that day. The Intelligence was drowning in cases, and Hank couldn’t avoid bringing work home with him most days. He managed to contain most of it in the office, but sometimes he left case files lying open on the kitchen table. Jay was understanding. He simply closed the files, occasionally using a spoon or something similar to mark the page for Hank. Jay had eventually offered to help once. Jay didn’t miss the small grin on Hank’s face when Jay had offered. Hank had launched into a twenty minute theory presentation about what motivated their perp, and Jay was able to provide a new angle for the team to work on. Hank had then hinted that Jay could return to work, even as a consultant. Jay had shut him down gently but firmly. It had been a one time deal, on Jay’s terms. That’s it, nothing more. Hank had given him a look that said ‘I’m not buying it, you’re not buying it’ but hadn’t actually said anything. 

Hailey had eventually responded to Jay’s message. She didn’t say much, but it left Jay feeling confused: ‘I’m sorry too. Next time I’ll bring the ice cream. Take care of yourself, Halstead.’ Jay had talked about the message a lot in therapy. He was still going twice a week. He finally told Fischer about Bennett and how Jay had extended his contract because of him. But mostly Jay talked about Hailey and how he felt after their conversation slash heart to heart. Jay was glad to have something more… casual to talk about. Not just one trauma after another. He used to be emotionally drained after every session, but now he often felt lighter. Like he could breathe a bit better. He still had a lot of trauma to work through but for a couple of weeks it was just Hailey Hailey Hailey. Jay had never stopped loving her. He just shoved his feelings aside, and kept ignoring how he felt because he thought Hailey had moved on and didn’t want him anymore. But now? Jay truly didn’t know what the future held. 

Jay had reluctantly accepted Kelly Severide’s offer to go to the beach with him and Stella. Jay hadn’t interacted with her much before, but found her to be easy to talk to and fun to be around. Jay didn’t actually go swimming that day, he mostly hid under the shade of the umbrella and kept an eye on their belongings. Jay felt anxious for most of the time, and worried that there would be a repeat of last time, but no one said any mean comments to him. He did eventually cave under Stella’s banter and agreed to wade in the water with her and Kelly. Jay didn’t go more than knee deep and kept looking around to see if people were staring, but no one was. They splashed each other with the surprisingly warm water and tossed the beach ball they had brought with them. They even ran into Aiden again - the kind stranger from last time Jay was at the beach - and Jay and him exchanged phone numbers. It was a good day all in all, and Jay promised to join them again soon. Jay even promised to bring a football to throw around. 

Jay kept seeing Tony for the swim lessons. Jay carefully suggested they could try the beach again in the near future, and Tony was excited to hear Jay was considering natural water swimming again. But for now they stayed in the safety of the indoor pool, away from the public eye. Jay briefly brought up Hailey one time and asked how things were going between her and Tony. Tony didn’t seem bothered that Jay asked. He replied that things were on hold while Hailey worked on figuring things out for herself. Jay apologized, and the men stuck strictly with swimming related topics since then. One time Jay also mentioned how he was interested in free diving courses, and Tony promised to ask his colleagues if anyone had good referrals. Tony himself didn’t teach such classes, but he still promised to guide Jay on the right path. Jay wasn’t quite ready for a class like that but it helped Jay plan ahead, research and organize. 

And even the day Jay thought would never arrive, arrived. His running blade was finally delivered, and he spent half a day in doctor Garcia’s lab getting his new sockets made. Jay had noticed how his current one didn’t fit as snugly as it used to. He had gained an impressive amount of muscle mass, and needed upgrades to his socket. The day started out slow with the making of the mold for the socket, but once it had finally been shaped and reinforced with plastic, Jay was finally able to test the running blade. It had now been over seven months since his amputation, and over eight months since the last time Jay had been able to run properly. His everyday prosthesis was made for light jogging too, but an actual running blade would eventually allow him to sprint and run. Run a marathon if he so desired. But first, Jay needed the new sockets fully adjusted. And so he hopped around the lab, knelt down, lurched forward and backward.. anything to get his stump in different positions to make sure the socket didn’t rub against his bony areas or feel too loose or tight. But at the end of it Jay had two new sockets attached to his prosthetic legs. He’d need to work with his physical therapist for a few sessions before using the running blade on his own to ensure his posture and gait was appropriate. But Jay still left Doctor Garcia’s office with a smile, carrying his brand new leg with him. He even took an Uber home as he didn’t trust the people on the bus. Jay didn’t truly think anyone would try and steal the running blade but honestly? He’d seen some crazy shit as a detective over the years. 

Third of July

Jay stared at his running blade which leaned innocently against his nightstand. Jay had done two PT sessions that focused on the running blade, and now he was finally cleared to use it freely as he liked. He was excited to say the least. He couldn’t wait to try it out later that day. He had texted a few of his closest friends to see if anyone was free to join him. Intelligence was still battling with their massive workload, and no one could pull away even for an extended lunch break. Jay tried Kelly as well, but July and fireworks always increased the number of small fires they had to respond to. Tony and Jay weren’t really friends outside of the swimming lesson so he wasn’t an option either. Jay was getting a little desperate, he wanted to test the blade today and he needed someone. Aiden. From the beach. He and Jay had texted a handful of times, mostly about beach related stuff. Jay didn’t know why he even considered the half-stranger but he found himself dialing Aiden’s number. Jay didn’t have to wait for long for the man to answer. “This is Adelrub Hebblethwaite speaking,” the voice said. Huh?? “Umm. I think I might have the wrong number. I was trying to call Aiden,” Jay said slowly. “Oh! Is that you, Jay? It’s me, Aiden from the beach,” the voice, now confirmed to be Aiden, said. “Wait... your real name is Adelrub Hebblethwaite? Did I even say that right?” Jay couldn’t hide the disbelief and amusement. “You can see why I go by my third name, Aiden. What can I do for you Jay?” Aiden said, he sounded like he was smiling. “Oh, I was just wondering if you were free today? I know this must be really random, and extremely short notice,” Jay started. He was starting to feel a bit silly, calling Aiden of all people? Really? “I was planning on going to the beach again but I’m there most days. Today can be different. What did you have in mind?” Aiden replied cheerfully. “Oh, that’s nice. I umm, I got a new running blade, for you know, umm running. I haven’t tried it yet on my own, and I was wondering if you’d like to join me?” Jay managed to stutter the words out. “Oh, that sounds exciting! Count me in. Where do you want to meet?” Aiden was excited for Jay. “I was thinking the park at the end of bus route 71, do you know it? We could meet at around one,” Jay suggested. It would be in four hours. “Oh that’s great, I actually live right across from that one. Good running trails, good choice. I’ll see you at the main entrance at one then?” Aiden confirmed. Jay thanked him again and ended the call after saying their goodbyes. What the hell… that just happened, Jay thought as he tossed his phone on the bed. Did he hit his head while he was sleeping, or did he really just casually call someone to hang out, outside? Jay slowly started smiling. He felt good. Alive. Glad to be alive. He gave his running blade a quick pat on the side and stood up to get his day started. 

After an early lunch Jay started packing for the park. While he could just wear his running blade the entire time, it wouldn’t be as comfortable. It was designed for running and high level activity. So standing at the bus stop and navigating slow moving crowds wouldn’t be ideal with it. So he opted for bringing both legs. Jay had gotten recommendations from Doctor Garcia about backpacks that were specifically designed to hold prosthetic legs, and Jay had ordered two different ones several weeks ago. Now he finally had a reason to use one. He grabbed one of the backpacks from his closet, a small, light one that was designed to be worn during triathlons where amputee participants would need to have more than one prosthetic available. Jay had tried it on earlier, it kept the prosthetic firmly in place and the backpack didn’t bounce around either. He strapped his running blade to the pack, and filled some water bottles to put on the side pockets. The pack had enough room for Jay’s spare shoe to use on his actual leg while running. Jay added some energy bars and a hoodie to the pack and zipped it up. He changed his shorts about half a dozen times until he settled on a pair. He checked the time, and decided to leave early. He grabbed his pack and put it on, stuffed his keys and phone into the shorts pockets and left the apartment. 

The bus arrived at the park about twenty minutes before one o’clock. It wasn’t the most popular park in the city, so it wasn’t terribly crowded even considering the date and the weather.  Jay’s heart beat anxiously against his ribs as he made his way to the park entrance. He couldn’t see Aiden yet. He sat down on one of the benches and placed his backpack on the ground between his feet. He’d wait until Aiden, or Adelrub, was here to change prosthetics. He felt too vulnerable to do so on his own. Jay reached for his pocket when a high pitched voice startled him. “What happened to your leg, mister?” a young girl with braided pigtails stood before Jay. She had her head tilted sideways and was playing with her bracelet. Jay froze for a moment. His mind flashed to the screaming child at the beach. But this girl stood politely in front of him with a small smile on her face. “Oh. Umm, I had a bad accident and doctors couldn’t fix it,” Jay said carefully. The girl was maybe five years old if he had to guess. “Where are your parents?” Jay asked and looked around. “Somewhere. I have this bracelet and they always find me so it’s okay. How did you hurt your leg?” the girl showed her bracelet, and Jay recognized the Apple Airtag. Jay looked around anxiously. They were somewhat close to a big road, and there were adults with bikes and scooters running around. “Why don’t you sit down and I’ll tell you?” Jay said as an attempt to make sure the girl wouldn’t get in someone’s way. She immediately skipped over and climbed to the bench. She stayed a solid distance away from Jay, and he was glad. He didn’t want to come across as some creep. “Do you usually leave your parents and wander off?” Jay asked. He still couldn’t see anyone looking for her. “I asked a question first. My daddy says that you’re not supposed to do that. Answer with a question,” she said in a no nonsense manner. Jay chuckled. She was a cheeky one. “I had an accident at work,” Jay replied. She still didn’t seem pleased. “What did you do? My mommy works at the library near my school and my daddy is a dentist,” the girl asked again. Jay rolled his eyes, she was full of questions apparently. “I was a soldier,” Jay answered again. The girl’s face lit up. “My uncle is one too! He’s not here though anymore. We said goodbye and he went to heaven,” the girl explained. Oh. “I’m sorry to hear that. That’s too bad. I’m Jay by the way,” he offered his condolences but they didn’t seem to matter that much to her. “It’s okay. He was always sad when we went to grandpa and grandma’s to cook food outside. He liked work a lot. But cooking wasn’t his work so maybe that’s why he was sad,” the girl shared. Jay gave her a sad smile, he understood all too well. He’d been like that too, when he did his tours in Afghanistan. Sad when he wasn’t working. “Some people like work a little too much. I did too,” Jay said with a sigh. “So maybe it’s good that you hurt your leg! You don’t work too much anymore,” the girl said excitedly. Jay tried to give her a smile but it came out as more of a grimace. “Maybe you’re right,” he said. “I’m Maisie. Daddy says I shouldn’t talk to strangers but I know you’re Jay so you’re not a stranger. And you’re kind,” the girl introduced herself. “You should listen to your dad, he sounds like a smart man. It’s good to meet you Maisie,” Jay said and chuckled when Maisie held out her hand in greeting. Jay accepted it and the pair shook hands. “Maisie Allyson Williams! What have I told you about running off like that?!” a worried man’s voice called out. Jay turned his head and saw a couple running towards them. Jay stood up and tried to present himself in a non-threatening way. “I’m sorry Daddy. But Jay looked lonely!” Maisie said with an apologetic tone. The couple, presumably Maisie’s parents, reached the bench and eyed Jay suspiciously. Jay extended his hand. “Jay Halstead. Ex Chicago PD. I asked her to sit with me while we waited for you,” Jay introduced himself, feeling that bringing up being a cop was a good idea. Maisie’s dad shook Jay’s hand. “Brody Williams. This is my wife, Eileen. I swear she needs a leash some days. I’ve told her multiple times to stay close by… thanks for keeping an eye on her, officer,” Brody said. “But Jay, you said you were a soldier like Uncle Zack?” Maisie said with furrowed brows. “I was. But I was a detective before that,” Jay explained and Maisie nodded in understanding. “Oh, well thank you for your service, sir,” Eileen, the wife, added. Jay nodded his head as thanks. He never knew how to respond when people said that to him. “Jay worked too much like Uncle Zack did! But now he can’t work so he won’t be sad like Zack,” Maisie said excitedly to her parents. They both looked horrified and sent Jay apologizing looks. “I’m so sorry, Mr Halstead, she’s just a chatterbox. I hope she didn’t bother you too much,” Brody apologized and took Maisie’s hand. “Say goodbye to Mr. Halstead, okay? We need to get going. And thank you again for making sure she was safe,” Brody waited until Maisie had waved Jay goodbye before he started leading her away. Jay looked at the family as they left. Nice kid. If only they all were like her… Jay thought. 

Aiden arrived shortly after the family had left. He noticed Jay waiting on the bench and jogged over. “Halstead, thanks for calling me!” he said and took a seat next to Jay. “I got to admit I was surprised by your call. But I’m glad you did,” Aiden continued. Jay smiled. Yeah, he was surprised too that he’d called a middle aged stranger to accompany him for a run. “Thank you for coming. I got a brand new blade and didn’t want to test it out alone,” Jay said and reached for the running blade to show it to Aiden. It was black with green accents. “Oh that looks wild! Well I’m ready when you are,” Aiden said and stood up. Jay didn’t want to keep him waiting, so he got to work and swiftly changed prosthetics. He strapped the regular one to the backpack, and took out a running shoe. He quickly changed shoes as well, and after everything was ready, Jay stood and put on the backpack. “Lead the way, Bladerunner,” Aiden laughed at his own joke. Jay shook his head with a smile. “Very funny,” he said and took off in a slow jog, with Aiden following on his left side. “Look at you go! So bouncy and everything,” Aiden cheered loudly, and a couple of people walking past looked over their shoulders to get a better look. Jay didn’t care though. He loved running, always had, and if people stared at the tool that helped him finally run after months of waiting then let the people stare. “Alright, alright. No need to announce it to the whole park,” Jay said out of politeness. He didn’t want to disturb the other people, and while he didn’t mind the attention he also didn’t want to attract too much of it. Aiden adjusted his volume but kept yelling his praises and cheers as often as he thought he could get away with. 

The duo jogged around the park for a good 45 minutes before Jay had to admit his defeat. Aiden was victorious. Jay spotted a bench coming up and decided to take a break there. He slowed down to a walk for the final few feet. “It looks a bit unbalanced when you're just walking,” Aiden observed Jay’s gait. Jay huffed and puffed and took a seat. “Yeah, it’s designed to give me a good boost when I run or sprint, but the base of the foot is not extremely wide so it takes some getting used to,” Jay explained between his breaths. “Like I can’t wear a shoe with this so it’s just something you work with. It’s great though, good heel boost though.” Aiden nodded and took a seat next to him. “Well I think it’s fantastic. You were giving me a run for my money for sure. I was hoping you’d quit first, I can get a little competitive when it comes to sports,” Aiden admitted with a laugh. Jay playfully shoved his shoulder. “Man, I kept waiting for you to stop! It was great though, exactly what I needed. Someone to push me, you know,” Jay replied. He took off his backpack and grabbed a water bottle. He took a sip. “Thanks again for coming with me. You have no idea how much this means to me,” Jay said with genuine thankfulness. “Oh you did me a favor. I spend too much time at the beach anyway, going to get wrinkly and dried up like an old raisin. Running does me good too,” Aiden replied. “Sorry if this is intruding but what do you do for work if you’re able to be at the beach so often?” Jay asked. He didn’t know that much about Aiden and wanted to get to know him a bit better. “I did underwater welding in my younger days. I still weld occasionally but wet welds are past my prime. My father taught me young so I earned my share, so I don’t need to work that nine to five office job. Thank lord,” Aiden explained. “How about you Jay, what’s a young man like you running around with a guy like me?” Aiden asked with a laugh. Jay chuckled. Aiden was easy to hang out with. “Oh I’m currently on a temporary disability retirement. Maybe by next summer I’ll be able to change my status and work part time, maybe even full time,” Jay responded. “Dear lord, you want to work? Such a fool,” Aiden gasped dramatically. Jay shook his head. Unbelievable. “Hey you saw me out there. Got lots of energy in these young bones,” Jay teased and laughed with Aiden. “You were in the military then?” Aiden asked and Jay nodded. “Figured. It’s the way you hold yourself. Slap me if I’m crossing a line, but was this service related?” Aiden gestured to Jay’s prosthetic. Jay nodded again. “They got me good. Almost eight months now,” Jay explained with a hint of sadness. Aiden nodded apologetically. “Don’t seem to slow you down too much though?” he replied. Jay shrugged. “Got good days and bad days. But doesn’t everyone?” Jay brushed it off. “You’re right about that. Well, have your young bones rested enough? We have to finish the trail around the park,” Aiden stood up and did a couple of quick stretches. “Sure, just a second. I got one last question. What’s with the name Adelrub Hebblethwaite? Your parents hate you or something?” Jay chuckled and stood up as well. “Not too far off I suppose. Hebblethwaite is an old English surname from my mother’s side of the family. And Adelrub? I honestly have no freaking idea,” Aiden said and jogged off. Jay shook his head and ran after him. 

Jay was beat. But in a good way. He’d spent about 75 minutes at the park with Aiden, and at the end they’d stopped for coffees before going their separate ways. Jay still wasn’t sure how he had managed to befriend the man, but he was glad to consider him a friend. Aiden was full of ridiculous stories and adventures from his time as an underwater welder. His work had taken him all over the country, and he’d made some wild memories along the road. Jay could have listened to his stories all day, so they agreed to meet up again for a run in the near future. Jay had been joking earlier when he thought about running a marathon one day, but maybe it could be a goal to work towards. Who knows. Right now his goal was to just relax. Hank was working late, again, so Jay had the apartment all to himself. He lay sprawled on the couch and lazily watched some reality drama. He’d accidentally dropped the remote earlier, and was too lazy to pick it up to change channels. He might have been halfway to falling asleep too, but was interrupted when his phone pinged. Some sort of notification sound Jay didn’t recognize. He groaned dramatically and reached for his phone. He looked at the screen. A notification. ‘You have been added to the following group chat: Bolivia - Justice for Halstead. Tap to see more.’ Jay perked up. He changed his position to a seated one and blinked a few times to shoo away the sleep. He tapped the notification with his index finger, and Whatsapp opened and took him to a new group. It already had a handful of messages in it. Jay read through them, and quickly realized that the other members of the group were his fellow unit buddies from Bolivia. The last message in the group was a notification about Jay entering the group having accepted the invite. Jay saw three dots appear on the bottom left side of the screen. Someone was typing. And soon, there was a new message. ‘Halstead, brother. Thank you for joining. It’s been too long. Nothing’s ever going to happen until we deal with it ourselves. We have a lead on those sons of bitches. It’s time to take them down.’ Jay stared at the message until his phone screen went dark and locked automatically. Oh, Bolivia. Can’t you just stay away? 

Chapter Text

His phone kept buzzing. He’d meant to mute the group chat entirely but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He hadn’t even said anything more than hi to the rest of the chat. He appreciated their gesture but why didn’t the past just stay away, in the past? He’d worked hard in therapy for the last couple of weeks, since the beach incident. Sure, he was nowhere near okay yet but he was slowly learning to let go of the past. But apparently the past wanted to sink its claws deep into Jay’s flesh and drag him down with it. 

Jay hadn’t mentioned it to anyone yet. Hank came home last night just as Jay was about to close his bedroom door to head to bed. Jay had joined Hank in the kitchen for a while, but couldn’t bring himself to talk much. He didn’t even tell Hank about the running blade. The sergeant wasn’t blind, and was able to notice that something bothered Jay and when he asked about it, Jay just shrugged it off and said it was just normal stress. Hank didn’t buy it for a second. But he’d learned not to push Jay past his limits anymore. So Hank let Jay retreat back into his bedroom, and Jay hadn’t spoken to Hank the following morning because he purposefully “slept in” to avoid having to see him before Hank left for half a day at work. Crime doesn’t stop on holidays, so the team had to work until midday. Then everyone would meet up at the park for a picnic at two pm, Jay included. 

Jay texted Will as he was eating breakfast. Just a short happy independence - greeting, and questions about how Natalie and the baby were doing. Buzz, buzz. Messages kept popping up in the group chat. All of the guys, but especially Bennett, were extremely motivated to get Jay some long awaited justice. Jay ignored them for now. Jay sighed when Will tried to video call him. Jay hurriedly ran a hand through his bed hair and accepted the call. “Happy Independence day, brother!” Will’s face was comically close to the camera. Jay would have smacked his brother's forehead if he could have. A small idea formed in Jay’s mind. “Hey, Will. I’m actually glad you called. Listen. I know we originally planned for it a bit later but what do you think if I came to see you guys in two weeks?” Jay suggested. With the whole Bolivia situation unfolding, Jay had a weird feeling he couldn’t quite explain. But he was certain that he should go and see Will and Natalie sooner rather than later. Will adjusted his phone and seemed to set it on a table. “Yeah! Sure, that sounds great. We’re always happy to have you. You miss me so much already that you couldn’t wait until August?” Will teased and wiggled his eyebrows. Jay rolled his eyes. “Sure, Will. If that helps you sleep better. How does the 19th sound? I haven’t checked flights yet but I can text you the details later,” Jay offered. He really hadn’t planned any of this, he’d need to adjust his Med appointments. “I’m sure we’ll make it work. How long will you be in town for?” Will said and scribbled something on a note. Jay shrugged. “A few days maybe? Not really sure.” Will nodded along. “We’ll figure it out. Any fun plans for today?” Will then asked. Jay told him about the PD picnic later that day. “Don’t forget to wear your miniature medals! You know I spent good money to get you the whole set. I don’t understand why you never wear them,” Will scolded playfully. Jay rolled his eyes again. “I just don’t like the attention, okay?” he muttered. “Today isn’t about you though. There will be plenty of others with their services medals and ribbons. Come on, Jay! Do it for me. At least wear the ribbon rack if not the medals,” Will pleaded. Jay sighed. It was independence day after all. If not today, when..? “Fine. If I can find the rack in less than five minutes,” Jay begrudgingly agreed. “Like you and I both don’t know for a fact that your room is the most organized place in Chicago… You know exactly where the ribbon rack is,” Will quipped. Jay chuckled. Will was right, he knew exactly where in his drawer they were. “You know I’m going to have to iron one of my collared shirts for this too. You owe me a beer when I get there,” Jay demanded. “Send me a selfie from the picnic as proof and you got yourself a deal,” Will countered. “Ugh, I hate you,” Jay complained. “I love you too, brother.” 

After the Halstead brothers finished their call, Jay quickly finished his breakfast and searched for his ribbon rack. And it was exactly where it was supposed to be. Top drawer on the left. He picked up the rack’s box and placed it on top of the drawer. He couldn’t remember the last time he wore them. Will had gotten Jay copies of all his medals and ribbons to wear on certain holidays and events. Jay would have never worn his actual ones that were currently pinned on his uniforms. The hassle of removing them, not worth it. So Will got him a set of miniature medals and a second ribbon rack with ribbons. Jay muttered in displeasure as he went through his wardrobe to pick out a collared shirt. He technically could wear a clean t-shirt but if he was going to wear the damn ribbon rack then he might as well put a little effort into it. He picked out a dark gray shirt and to further displease Jay, the shirt was in desperate need of some ironing. He muttered some more complaints and made his way to the storage closet in the hallway to fetch the ironing board and iron. “Stupid Will,” he whined as he set up the board in the hall. 

Hank returned home around 12.45. He nearly crashed into the ironing board in the middle of the hallway. A few seconds later Jay appeared from his room. “I meant to put that away. Sorry. Got distracted, Jay said and hurried to clear the hall. Hank hummed. “What’s got you stressing?” he asked. ‘I got distracted’ was Jay speak for ‘I got too stressed to focus’. Jay rolled his eyes at Hank and his ability to spot Jay’s little code phrases. “Will. He talked me into wearing my ribbon rack. My shirt needed to be ironed. And then I had to iron everything. Might as well get it done while the iron was out,” Jay mumbled. Hank walked past Jay’s room and into the kitchen. Jay followed. “That’s good. You should take pride in your accomplishments. How many do you have on your rack, eight?” Hank said as he took a seat at the table. Jay leaned against the doorframe. “On the rack, yeah. And I am proud. I just don’t need the attention,” he answered. Hank nodded his head. “Did you add the newest ones?” Hank questioned. Jay faltered. How did he..? “I went back to that dump apartment of yours. To fetch your things. The boxes weren’t exactly hidden,” Hank spoke before Jay could ask. Jay nodded at Hank’s revelation. “I haven’t,” he said tightly. He didn’t want attention on him in general, and both of those ribbons would be a sure way to get even more unwanted eyes on him. Hank stood up and walked up to Jay. He gently placed his hands on Jay’s shoulders. “Derek Keys called me the day you were kidnapped from the airport. He sent us a video of you being beaten. He called to congratulate me on teaching you well. He said that you were tough. That you didn’t talk. I was proud. I didn’t need to teach you any of that. When I saw your medals in that apartment, I was proud again. You were tough again, didn’t talk. You don’t have to add them to your rack if you don’t want to. But everyone would be proud,” Hank spoke slowly, straight from his heart. Jay thought he even saw the tiniest hints of tears in his eyes. Jay considered Hank’s words, and eventually nodded. “I’ll add the ribbons,” he said quietly. Hank squeezed his shoulders and pulled back. He then went back to sit at the table. Never get too emotional. Jay cleared his throat and walked back to his room where the ribbon rack was waiting for him. Jay opened the top left drawer again, and pulled out two rectangular boxes. It never crossed his mind that someone had to return to the apartment to gather up his possessions. Not that he wanted these two back. He opened the first box, and carefully took out the purple ribbon. He held it in one hand, and took the ribbon rack from the drawer. He adjusted the order of the ribbons to make room for two. He hated how easily he could remember their correct order. He snapped the purple ribbon in its place. Jay put the medal back into the drawer, and eyed the second box. Jay thought back to all of the formal events he’d been to in uniform. He thought about the other people wearing theirs. He didn’t remember ever seeing someone with the medal that he now had before his eyes. Maybe people don’t really look at ribbons, maybe they wouldn’t recognize this one. There were other ribbons with black on them, right? Right? Jay’s hands shook as he opened the second medal’s box. He hadn’t looked at the actual medal for more than once. When he’d been awarded. It looked so innocent in its little padded frame. Jay grabbed the ribbon and held it between his fingers. He wanted to crush it with his hands. Instead he placed it on the rack with the rest. Jay sighed and placed the medal box back with the others and pushed the drawer shut. He picked up the rack and walked to the freshly ironed gray shirt. Jay attached the ribbon rack with precision and care, it had to be perfect or not worn at all. And it looked good enough. No, it was perfect. “If you want a ride with me then I leave in ten,” Hank's voice startled Jay a little. Jay turned and saw him walking over. Hank looked at the ribbon rack and noted the two additions. “I’m proud of you,” he said softly and walked away. Jay’s heart felt warm. 

They were the last two to arrive. Hank made a last moment pit stop at a corner shop to grab something the “others might have forgotten”. Jay had no idea what that meant, but he was too worked up to care. The ribbon rack felt too heavy against his chest, too noticeable. He’d kill Will for persuading him to do this. Hank too for suggesting he add the two new ribbons. No one haid said anything to him yet. He waited in the car while Hank popped to the store, and now they were still parking their car near the park. “Who knew so many other people had their blue parking permits too,” Hank grumbled from behind the wheel. Jay shook his head in amusement. “Lots of people hang out at the park today,” he replied. “Oh yeah? Really, hadn’t noticed,” Hank replied plainly. They did eventually find a free spot, and Jay made sure to place his parking permit perfectly so no one would come and start anything with them. Both men exited the vehicle and grabbed their bags from the back seat. The parking area alone was crowded with lots of families with little kids running and screaming around. “It’ll be fine, kid,” Hank said as he walked around the car to be with Jay. Jay nodded. Sure, it’ll be fine. 

Jay was relieved to observe he, like Will had said, wasn’t the only service member who had decided to have their ribbons or medals on display. He and Hank walked through the park in search of their friends. People couldn’t help but take a second look at Jay and his prosthetic that was perfectly visible thanks to the barely knee length chino shorts he was wearing. At least the sleeve on his prosthetic ensured that the scarring on his thigh was hidden. “You know most don’t mean anything by it, right?” Hank said from next to Jay. Jay knew. He knew it from the start, and he’d talked about it in therapy. It was natural for people to be curious, and most were just that. Curious, nothing more. Not a hint of bad intention. “I know. I probably used to look too, before,” Jay replied. Hank raised his brows in question. “I used to look at others a lot more, before I lost my leg I mean. I like to believe I didn’t stare or anything but I don’t know. Maybe I did. But I don’t anymore. I never meant to be disrespectful before, but now I know how it feels when everyone always looks at me,” Jay explained. As if on cue, an older couple walked past them, and both had their heads turned around like owls as they tried to get a second look at Jay. Hank grunted and the couple stopped looking. “Like you said, they don’t usually mean anything by it. But it’s still making me anxious most days, feeling like I’m on display no matter where I go,” Jay finished. “They stared before too. Cops get looks in the city,” Hank countered. He wasn’t wrong. “But that was different. They weren’t staring at me, they stared because I was a cop. Now they’re looking at me. Especially today with these damn ribbons,” Jay exhaled. Hank pointed forward. Jay followed Hank’s direction and spotted the team and some friends ahead. They were gathered around two large picnic blankets. “They only stare because they want to understand. Keep your head high, Halstead. You got nothing to be ashamed of,” Hank said with a firm tone. They were now within earshot from the rest, and Jay didn’t want to continue the conversation. So he only nodded in response as they finally reached their friends. 

An hour later, Hank sat with Kim, Hailey, Dante and Adam on one of the blankets. They observed as Jay ran around with Makayla, Kevin and a few other kids. Hank recognized them as kids of the other officers from the 21st precinct. The sergeant looked around and noticed the parents a short distance away, gathered on their own picnic blanket. “It’s good to see him have some fun. The kids all love him,” Kim said to no one in particular. It seemed that they were playing some sort of tag, but it was hard to tell. “Sometimes he’s all Makayla talks about. We’ve been so busy recently that we haven’t had much time to hang out, and she just wants to see Uncle Jay again,” Adam replied with a smile. Hank glanced at Dante and Hailey. Hailey seemed to pay no particular mind to the conversation, but Dante looked displeased. “Something on your mind, Torres?” Hank asked his youngest detective. Dante immediately straightened out his posture. “Nothing. All good here,” he said curtly. Hank kept his eye on the young man for a while longer until he turned back to look at the game. “He should have taken his running blade with him. Would have been unmatchable with it,” Hank said. The others turned their attention to him. “What do you mean, running blade? I thought he wasn’t supposed to get one until like two more weeks?” Adam questioned. The others looked similarly confused. “I saw it in his room before we left. It had some dirt on it, he must have used it outside already,” Hank explained. “Wait. Is that why he asked all of us if we were free to meet him after lunch? He wanted to show it to us?” Kim’s voice was sad. Hailey nodded along. “He even messaged me. Which was odd,” Hailey contributed. She should have made the time. She hadn’t seen Jay at all since their conversation a couple of weeks ago. “Well he went somewhere with it. Unless it was this morning, but I don’t think so. He was too busy ironing half the clothes in our apartment,” Hank replied with an amused expression. “Why would Halstead be ironing anything?” Dante almost scoffed. Hailey wanted to smack his arm. “He needed a clean shirt.  Guess he lost track of time,” Hank simply offered. “Ooh, because of the ribbons?” Adam guessed, and Hank nodded. “We’ve hung out almost every Independence Day since I joined the unit. He’s never worn them before,” Kim observed. They had all noticed Jay wearing them immediately when he and Hank had joined them about an hour ago. “You remember that funeral he went to, that army buddy of his that did security with Jay for the drug company? I caught him and Erin that day. He had his Rangers uniform on. I know it was like, almost a decade ago now but I remember that day vividly. He didn’t have four rows of ribbons then. He only had three,” Kim continued. Hank was impressed with her memory, but today he wished she didn’t recall such miniscule details so well. “They probably awarded him with something for his little adventures in Bolivia,” Dante replied. He didn’t get the fuss around Halstead. He’d been back for months, move on already people. “His little adventures?” Hailey repeated. “Man, what's your problem with Jay?” she was getting so tired of Dante always making rude comments. “I don’t have a problem. What’s your excuse? Jay treats you like trash, comes back with some black and purple chest candy and all of a sudden he’s the wounded hero? Didn’t he already get his ass kidnapped on the job like twice, did he get a good job -reward then too?” Smack. Kim stared at Hailey with her mouth hanging open. Did Hailey just... slap Torres? She did! Dante held a hand against his cheek but you could still make out the reddening skin underneath. “I think it’s best if you leave, Torres,” Hank stood up and crossed his arms.

Jay and Kevin had noticed the commotion and were now walking over. At least the children stayed behind. “What’s going on?” Kevin asked. He and Jay studied their friends. Everyone’s body language was tense. Dante had a hand to his cheek, and Hailey’s eyes were fierce. Adam stood up as well. “Dante was just leaving, that’s all,” he said and waited for Dante to stand up. The young man scoffed but stood up. He straightened his shirt and walked off. When he was passing Jay on his way, he whispered “Thank you for your attempted service” only so that Jay could hear it. With another scoff, Dante was gone. “What’s his deal?” Kevin asked as he looked at Dante’s figure disappearing into the crowd. Jay couldn’t help but falter a little. He tried to hide it by taking a seat on the blanket, but it was a poor attempt. “Nothing worth repeating. Jay, you okay?” Hank replied to Kevin before turning his attention to Jay. The man looked off. Pale almost. He didn’t react at all to Hank’s voice. “Jay, you with us?” Hank tried a little louder, and that got the younger man’s attention. He blinked a few times and looked around. “Hm? I’m good,” he replied sharply. “Did he say something to you when he left? It looked like he did. I swear to god,” Hailey started. Jay was quick to shut her down. “It’s fine, he doesn’t matter,” Jay didn’t sound fine though. The team looked at each other in question, no one really sure how to proceed. Hank glanced at the kids who were starting to notice that something was up with the adults. “Hailey, Jay. Stay. The rest of you, with the kids,” Hank used his sergeant voice to order everyone. No one argued. Kevin, Kim and Adam started walking toward the kids with a cooler full of ice cream. Hank sat back down and observed both Jay and Hailey. “Halstead. What did he say?” Hank asked rather gently. Jay kept avoiding Hank’s eyes but muttered an answer. “He just thanked me for my service.” It wasn’t the entire truth but close enough. Hank was puzzled. Other people had thanked Jay as they’d walked through the park, some had even gone to him while he played with the kids and Kevin. Jay hadn’t been disturbed then, but something was bothering him now. “Was that all?” Hank pressed. Jay shrugged his shoulders but didn’t elaborate. Hank looked at Hailey, who seemed as lost as Hank. “Kim remembers your ribbons. From when Lindsay was still here. You went to a funeral together, you had your Rangers uniform on,” Hailey tried. Jay titled his head. “Egan’s funeral? Why does that matter?” Jay asked suspiciously. “Kim saw you that day. With your ribbons. According to her, you didn’t have four rows back then. Is she right?” Hailey continued. She wasn’t sure what she was trying to accomplish here, but at least Jay was talking. “Again, I don’t see why that matters,” Jay repeated. “So she was right,” Hailey guessed. Jay scoffed and turned his head away. “They’re just ribbons. Why do you care?” Jay was getting defensive. “Jay, she’s just trying to understand,” Hank tried to defuse some of the tension. “What’s there to understand? You go out there, just do your job like everyone else, someone fucks up and I get a medal for it. That’s all there is to it,” Jay scoffed. Hailey was sitting across from Jay, giving her full view of the ribbon on Jay’s shirt. Hailey thought back to the previous independence day picnics. “I've never seen you wear them before. Never. Why’d you wear them if you hate them so much?” Hailey asked with a tilted head. “I don’t know, okay?! I just wanted people to..” Jay’s voice trailed off and he closed his eyes in frustration. Hailey carefully laid her hand on Jay’s arm. He opened his eyes and looked at her. “Wanted people to know what?” Hailey asked gently. “I’m not weak. Everyone always looks at me like I’m fragile. Damaged goods. I’m not,” Jay’s reply was barely louder than a whisper. Hailey looked at Hank. He immediately nodded at Hailey to continue. “And the ribbons prove that you’re not? Is that it?” Hailey asked. Jay nodded a little, Hailey almost missed it. “I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t want any of them. I just did what I was told. Followed my training,” Jay admitted weakly. Hailey stared at Jay’s ribbon. Two of them didn’t seem to match the rest in material. A purple one with thin white stripes on the edges. She didn’t need to be a military enthusiast to recognize that one. The Purple Heart award. For injuries sustained during service. Hailey looked at the second ribbon that stood out. She’d never seen one like that before. Not that she had paid much attention to service members and their awards in the past. It was mostly black, and it had white, blue and red stripes with varied thicknesses on it. “Prisoner of War Medal,” Hank said softly. Hailey took in a sharp breath. She didn’t even know such a medal existed. Jay’s eyes were glued to the red and white picnic blanket. “I wasn’t weak,” he repeated quietly. Hailey could see a small trail of tears on his cheek. Jay sniffled and wiped his eyes. “I want to go home,” he said tiredly. Hank started to stand up to drive him, but Hailey put a hand on Hank’s shoulder. “I can take him,” she said and stood up. “We need to switch cars then. Mine is parked in the blue,” Hank said and fished out his keys. Hank and Hailey exchanged keys and briefly gave directions to each other’s cars. Jay had packed up his bag and was standing awkwardly waiting for Hailey. “Let’s go,” she said softly and took Jay’s hand. He looked surprised but didn’t withdraw his hand.  Together, without saying a word, they walked off. 

Jay remembered the way back to the car, but he was barely paying attention as Hailey led him through the crowds. He could feel himself slipping. Just the crowds alone had been a little overstimulating, but whatever happened with Dante really shoved him to the edge. Jay and Kevin hadn’t heard most of the argument, but Jay heard enough when Dante had left and spoken directly to him. He desperately needed to get away, and Jay hurried his pace when Hank’s car came to view. The car next to Hank’s had people around it. An older couple was exiting the vehicle, and Jay noticed the man was in a wheelchair. He too had a ribbon rack attached to his collared shirt. Jay slowed down to let the couple pass. He and the man locked eyes. “Thank you for your service, young man. God bless you,” he said with a polite smile. Jay stopped. He forced a smile. “Thank you, sir. Thank you as well,” he said awkwardly. “Chin up, son. We’re still here,” the man said and continued on his way. Jay didn’t know how to reply, so he stared after him. “You okay, Jay?” Hailey asked from his side. They were no longer holding hands. “Let’s just go,” Jay replied tightly and walked to the passenger side of Hank’s car. Hailey sighed but unlocked the doors and got in. 

Jay noticed almost immediately that they were going the wrong way. “I said I wanted home,” Jay said with a confused expression. “We are,” Hailey said. Oh. “No. I want to go to Hank’s,” Jay replied curtly. He couldn’t deal with this, not today. Any other day would have been better. Buzz, buzz. The group chat on Jay’s phone was active again. He didn’t check it. “Just go to Hank’s. Please,” Jay said softly, almost begging. Hailey nodded and did a U-turn. Jay leaned against the window and stared out. The streets were busy with people, everyone seemed to be out enjoying the good weather. The sight was almost suffocating. Jay closed his eyes and wished the car ride would be over quickly. 

Jay opened his eyes again when the engine of the car was turned off. He was expecting to see Hank’s apartment but was disappointed to realize they were in a small parking lot. Jay looked at Hailey with furrowed brows. “I said I’d get the ice cream next time,” Hailey simply said and exited the car. Huh. Jay hadn’t expected Hailey to join him once they made it to Hank’s. He wasn’t sure if he was in the mood to deal with her right now. She returned soon after with a tub of ice cream in hand. “Pistachio, your favorite,” Hailey said and offered the tub to Jay. He took it and placed it on the floor between his legs so it wouldn’t melt from the warmth of his hands. They drove the rest of the way, and Jay pointed to Hank’s reserved parking spot. “You don’t need to come in,” Jay said quietly. He couldn’t exactly tell her to get lost though. “Just grab the ice cream,” she replied and exited the car. With a deep sigh Jay gathered up his things and went after her. 

The ice cream tub lay empty on its side on the floor. Jay and Hailey sat on the couch in his bedroom. Jay had closed the blinds on the windows to block out the flashes of fireworks. Jay had come to realize in the past that he wasn’t as bothered by their noise, but the bright flashes were the main trigger. He had removed his prosthesis almost immediately after he and Hailey got inside. It too felt suffocating, and he needed to get rid of all the possible distractions. That included the pressure of a prosthetic leg. He hadn’t spoken to Hailey much, and she had kept the conversation light in a way that allowed Jay to just nod and listen. In the beginning Jay assumed that Hailey’s voice would be irritating to him in his current mood but it had quite the opposite effect. The more she talked, the more he relaxed. He wasn’t anywhere near okay yet, but at least he was able to sit still. He turned his head towards Hailey when she stopped speaking. “What’s wrong?” Jay asked. Hailey smiled a little. “I think that’s my question. Your phone keeps buzzing every five minutes. What’s going on?” her voice was gentle, soothing to Jay’s ears. “It’s nothing. Just friends catching up,” Jay deflected. He couldn’t tell her. Wouldn’t. Jay stood up and moved to the drawer. He hadn’t put his ribbon rack back in its place yet. He focused on removing the two ribbons he had put on earlier. They didn’t fit with the rest as they were the actual ribbons he had been awarded, and the rest were duplicates Will had brought. Jay opened the top left drawer and took out three boxes, two for the ribbons and one for the rack. He could hear Hailey’s footsteps behind him. “Can I see them?” Hailey asked once she was next to him. Jay looked inside the opened drawer. The rest of his medals were all there, each in their own individual boxes. Jay shrugged and continued putting away the ribbons. He placed the purple one back first, and handed Hailey the box. “Don’t take this the wrong way but knowing your track record I thought you already had like a handful of these,” Hailey said with a sad smile and handed the box back to Jay. He snapped it shut. “No. First one,” Jay replied and put the box in the drawer. The second ribbon felt heavy on Jay’s hand. He placed it in its box too, and hesitated before handing it to Hailey. She studied the golden eagle on the medal. “Can I?” she asked gently and Jay nodded. Hailey’s hand shook a little as she reached for the medal. She took it and held it carefully between her fingers. She stroked the image on the front side before flipping it over. “You let them use Jason instead of Jay,” Hailey observed. “They didn’t ask,” he quipped. Jay reached for the box and the medal. He placed the medal back and tossed it into the drawer with the rest. “You can pull the drawer off and carry it to the couch if you like,” Jay said and turned back to the ribbon rack. It needed to be organized again since two were removed. Hailey nodded and did as Jay suggested.

After reorganizing the ribbons Jay joined Hailey on the couch again. She had taken out all except the two boxes she had already seen and placed them on the couch. The drawer was on the floor beside her feet. Jay’s heart skipped a beat. He didn’t remember he had placed his medical file on the bottom of the drawer a few weeks ago. So far Hailey hadn’t paid attention to it. Jay prayed it stayed that way. He took a seat and observed Hailey. She was going through each medal box, taking the award out and studying them for a while before placing them back on the box, and then back into the drawer. “Tell me about one of them?” Hailey asked after she’d gone through three medals. “You know about two already. Isn’t that enough?” Jay sounded tired in a way sleep couldn’t fix. “You don’t have to. I just wanted to offer. Just in case. I know things are… weird between us but I wanted you to know that I’m here for you,” she replied gently. “How’s Tony?” Jay asked suddenly. Hailey placed the fourth medal box on her lap. “We ended things a few days ago. And no, it wasn’t because of you. I just realized I want different things from life than Tony,” Hailey said. Jay nodded thoughtfully and looked at the box on Hailey’s lap. The Bronze Star. He remembered that one well. Jay reached for the box and opened it. “This was from my first tour. Got this for something in the Korengal Valley. Mouse was there too. He should’ve gotten one too. It was one of the longest firefights of that tour. It rained so much that day,” Jay’s voice was hollow, eyes focused on the star shaped medal. He picked it up and handed it to Hailey. “When they gave it to me, they said that I would have a bright future ahead of me. Yeah, so bright my eyes can barely stand it.” Hailey examined the star and noticed how one of the points wasn’t as sharp as the others. The award must have witnessed quite a few events. Hailey took the box from Jay and placed it in the drawer. “Thanks for telling me, Jay,” she said and picked another box. 

Hailey managed to spend a total of 45 minutes going through Jay’s medals. After the Bronze Star, Jay started sharing vague and short stories about each medal. Some of them he’d been awarded more than once. “That’s what the leaf clusters are for on the ribbons. You don’t wear multiple same ribbons, instead you use devices like the leaf clusters or stars,” Jay explained when Hailey asked how his number of ribbons on the rack didn’t match the number of medals. When all the medals had passed Hailey’s inspection, she reached down to pick up the drawer. She noticed a stack of photographs under the medal boxes. She glanced at Jay and tucked some of the photographs free. She looked through them. In most of them, Jay appeared younger. Not skinny, but slightly narrower shoulders, and the shirts weren’t tight around his arms. Two of the photos seemed newer. Hailey recognized Jay instantly. “Are these from Bolivia?” Hailey said and showed him the two photos. Jay nodded. “The first one is my unit. The second one is Anderson’s unit with mine,” Jay explained and took the first photo. He quickly scanned it and pointed at a man right next to Jay. “That’s Bennett. The father of the twins. Why I extended my contract,” Jay said with a quieter voice. Hailey took the photo back and brought it closer to her eyes. The man Jay identified as Bennett looked young. Not even in his 30s if Hailey were to guess. He had blond hair and a bright smile on his face. “How are the twins doing?” Hailey asked. She wanted to blame this man for keeping Jay away from her. But she couldn’t. “Umm, they’re good. Bennett actually sent a photo yesterday. Let me find it,” Jay said and grabbed his phone to scroll through the group chat. “Do you keep in touch with him?” Hailey asked and lowered the photograph. “All of them, yeah. When I can. Everyone besides me, Bennett and Suarez are still in Bolivia. Although Suarez is going back soon,” Jay answered and turned his phone around to show her a picture of Bennett’s kids. “It was kind of you to stay so he didn’t have to,” Hailey said after she had looked at the picture. “It was my unit. Made sense,” Jay shrugged. Hailey placed the photographs back in the drawer, and picked up the next item. Jay’s dog tags. They had seen better days. They were bent out of shape and discolored. “You never wore these,” Hailey said. “I wasn’t in the Army anymore,” Jay replied. Hm, true. Hailey fiddled with them. If only they could talk… The tags had seen and witnessed everything Jay had. She sighed and placed them back too. Hailey noticed a brown file at the bottom of the drawer. She got the impression that it was meant to be hidden, stashed away from curious eyes. She was intrigued but didn’t want to disrespect Jay’s privacy. So she picked up the drawer and took it back to its place. Her eyes landed on the running blade leaning against the nightstand. “Why didn’t you tell us? About the blade,” Hailey asked and reclaimed her seat next to Jay. “I didn’t want to bother you. Hank told me how busy everything’s been. I wanted to check if you guys were busy first before I mentioned it. I figured if I started with the running blade then you would have adjusted your schedules for me. And I didn’t want that,” Jay answered honestly. Hailey hummed. “But you tried it out though?” she asked.” Mm’hm. In the park. It was great. You could, umm, join me another time?” Jay suggested carefully. Hailey gave him a reassuring smile. “That sounds like a plan.” 

“Do you want anything from the kitchen?” Hailey asked after a while. Jay had slowly retreated into his shell after Hailey returned the medals to their place, so the pair had simply sat on the couch and listened to the playlist Jay had put on earlier. “Oh. I’m sorry,” Jay’s reply confused Hailey. “What are you sorry for?” she questioned with a tilted head. “You missed the barbecue at the park. You didn’t get to eat anything.” Hailey shook her head at Jay’s apology. “I've heard tales from Voight. About how good your cooking is. So come on, cook me something then,” Hailey suggested. Jay perked up. “I don’t think I have any fresh ingredients but I can show you the freezer stash. You can pick a meal if you see anything interesting,” Jay countered. Hailey stood up with a smile. “Lead the way, Chef.” 

“How did you even fit all of these in here?” Hailey wondered as she listened to Jay describe each meal he had in the freezer. Jay chuckled and stepped aside to let Hailey take a closer look. “It’s just careful organizing. I have a system,” Jay responded proudly. Hailey scanned the containers stuffed in the freezer. “Which one was the beetroot one?” she asked. “Third pile from the left, the bottom two containers. It has two servings so just take one,” Jay replied with ease. Hailey did as instructed and grabbed one container filled with roasted beetroot and lemon thyme soup. She then handed it to Jay who started heating it. Hailey took a seat as she waited. “And this was in that meal book of yours?” she questioned. “Actually, no. I saw this online and it sounded kind of funny so I tried it. It’s pretty good. I have some fresh bread too, it goes well with the soup,” Jay explained and opened one of the cupboards to take out a small basket. “Here, this is the freshest batch,” Jay said and Hailey stood up to take a look. The basket was full of different types of bread. Hailey stared in awe. “You… make bread now?” she asked. Jay nodded and stirred the soup. “It used to take me ages but it’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. Trudy is my biggest customer, Hank brings her a loaf twice a week.” Hailey shook her head in disbelief and picked a load from the basket. She rummaged through a few drawers until she found a bread knife. She set it on the dinner table along with the bread. Jay was finishing with the soup and grabbed two plates. Hailey fetched two glasses and a jug of ice water from the fridge. Hailey sat down just as Jay placed a plate on the table for her. He then joined her and grabbed a spoon. He observed Hailey’s face carefully as she took her first bite of the soup. “Damn Jay, why didn’t you cook like this before?” she said without thinking. She winced apologetically and Jay grimaced. “Never had the time. Get your leg chopped off and all of a sudden you have nothing but time,” Jay tried to keep his tone casual. He sliced them each a slice of bread to dip into the soup. They ate in silence. Hailey used her last bread piece to wipe her plate clean as she finished. “I’m definitely coming over again to dine. That was really good,” she said and Jay felt his cheeks turning red. He ducked his head with a shy smile. 

“You never replied before but do you have my ring?” Jay asked a few hours later. He and Hailey were back in his room, watching a documentary about striped hyenas. “I didn’t give it back yet? My bad. I have it, I’ll bring it next time,” she replied. “You can pass it through Voight too so you don’t have to bother coming all the way here,” Jay offered but he hoped that she wouldn’t do that. Hailey turned her head toward him. “What, is that a hint to tell me to stay away?” Jay shook his head. “No, but I don’t want you to have to come here all the time,” Jay tried to explain. “Right. This is my second time here. Third if you count the first visit with Hank here. Does it bother you when I’m here?” Hailey asked with crossed arms. Jay sighed and adjusted his position. “Not bother exactly. I just don’t know what we are. Friends? Close friends? Or.. something more?” Jay explained quietly. Hailey had thought about that too. “Friends? I still don’t know if we can ever fully recover from you leaving for Bolivia. The lack of communication back then? I can’t move past that like it never happened,” Hailey said. Jay nodded along. “I can do friends. I just don’t want there to be any confusion between us,” Jay replied with a small smile. Hailey’s phone buzzed. It was Voight. Hailey picked it up, and Jay listened to her side of the conversation. She hung up after a moment. “That was Hank. They finishing things up at the park and asked where or when I want to swap cars again. As you heard, I promised to be there in 25. So umm, yeah. I better get going,” Hailey explained and stood up. Jay checked the time. Almost nine. “Umm, thanks for spending the day with me. I’m sorry I ruined the picnic,” Jay said softly. Hailey waved him off. “I said before, if I wanted to stay then I would have. We always hang out at the park, I just wanted to hang out with you for once,” she replied honestly. “I’ll text you about the ring. Maybe then you can cook me a fresh meal,” Hailey said and walked to the door. Jay smiled at her. “I’d like that a lot, Hailey. I really would.” They said their goodbyes and Jay watched Hailey disappear from view, heard the front door open and click shut after a moment. Jay sighed and let himself fall on his side on the couch. Jay grabbed his phone and opened the messages. He wrote her a simple message and sent it. Happy Fourth of July, Hailey.  

Chapter Text

Jay couldn’t keep ignoring them anymore. The group chat was driving him mad. He’d wake up to dozens of unread messages every morning, and throughout the day his phone would keep buzzing. But every time he went to fully mute the group, his fingers froze. He’d read a few of the messages. Send a short message of his own. Nothing about Bolivia though. Jay was surprised to actually realize that the majority of the discussion happening in the group chat was not about Bolivia. It was just the unit and him catching up. Making plans to hang out. But Jay was leaving for Seattle in two days - morning of the 19th as he had originally suggested to Will - and he needed to get some peace of mind. 

‘Guys. Be honest. What’s the deal with this group?’ Jay typed a direct message on the chat and sent it. He was waiting for Kevin to join him for a run at the park, and decided to use that extra time to start solving the situation. He had about fifteen minutes before Kevin should be there. And the group chat didn’t keep him waiting for long. Green, the unit’s leader in Jay’s absence, replied almost immediately. ‘I wanted to wait for your go ahead before we mentioned it. But we finally have a solid lead. It’s slow moving and not urgent. But I’ve been sending Ruiz and Nelson out for recon. I think we can finally get these guys.’ Jay read the message twice before replying. ‘Are you guys authorized? The last I heard you barely had enough guys.’ The response came from Ruiz this time. ‘What do you think? Like the cake eaters give a fuck about this. We’re better off on our own.’ Jay couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him. Typical Ruiz. Green sent a reply as well shortly after. ‘We don’t have eyes on the key players yet, but we might have a solid lead on one of their couriers. You might want to keep your passport and go-bag handy. We need our TL for the finale.’ Jay stared at the phone screen. Did they... they expected him to go back? ‘You guys know I can’t lead the team anymore, right? Even if I wanted to, they would never let me back to base.’ He couldn’t believe they would even suggest something like this. His right leg started bouncing. This was a bad idea. Green sent a message back. ‘Look, I’ve been talking with the captain, off record. He may have hinted that if we can present solid proof of their whereabouts then they might green light a mission for us. So far we don’t have enough. And we won’t do anything without you. But you deserve this.’ Jay sighed and started writing a reply but that’s when Kevin decided to show up. “What’s up, Jay! You ready to finally show me that blade of yours in action?” Kevin asked excitedly. Kevin was to be the first of Jay’s friends - excluding Aiden - to see him running with the blade. “You just try and keep up. I’ll just change it on and we can go,” Jay abandoned the half written message and hurried to change prosthetics. 

Kevin was ecstatic by the end of their four mile run. He had seen how much Jay had been struggling when they had first reunited several months ago. And to see him running around the park with a smile on his face after all he’d been through? Kevin was basically on cloud nine. “Man that was amazing! You’re like Terminator with that thing,” Kevin told Jay when they had taken a seat on a bench to catch their breaths after the run. Jay shook his head with a smile. “It’s pretty amazing, right? Better than I ever dreamed about. It’s almost better and my right foot in some ways. I needed to get a new running shoe as my old ones weren’t as bouncy if that makes sense,” Jay replied. He was still huffing and puffing from the run but he was enjoying it. Having the ability to run again had given Jay a massive boost in his confidence and mental health. And physical health too. He’s been running with Aiden twice a week on top of his weekly swim lessons and physical therapy. He was constantly on the edge of pushing himself too far, but so far he had managed to find the perfect balance. “You know, if you keep this up Voight might actually pull some strings to get you back,” Kevin said after a moment. Jay rolled his eyes. “So he keeps hinting. He thinks he’s being subtle. I tell him no at least once a week nowadays. He needs to let go. I already did,” Jay said with a sigh. At first he’d been amused that Hank thought Jay could come back. He found it even funnier that Hank thought he wanted to come back. But after constant comments from Hank almost every day for the past three, four weeks, he was getting quite tired of it. “It’s not so easy for sarge. He’s been clashing with Torres lately. I’m honestly surprised he’s still on the team,” Kevin revealed. Jay raised his eyebrows at that. “Because of the Independence Day thing? It was honestly not a big deal,” Jay asked. “Nah, man. Torres has been outta line for a while now. You know how he kind of, replaced you in the team, took your spot? I guess he thought that he would literally get your spot as Voight’s go to guy,” Kevin explained. Hmm. Jay nodded his head but didn’t say anything. Buzz, buzz. “Man, what is up with that phone of yours? It’s been buzzing like crazy all day,” Kevin exclaimed. Jay sighed and took his phone from his pocket. Of course it was the group chat. “Just some old buddies of mine who are eager to catch up. Nothing important,” Jay deflected and put his phone away. Yeah right, nothing important. “Must be something if it’s got you so antsy. Honestly, what’s going on Jay?” Kevin pressed. Jay had been acting weird ever since the Fourth of July, the whole team had noticed it. He was always checking his phone with a displeased look on his face. “It’s nothing. Just my guys from Bolivia, okay? Can you drop it?” Jay’s voice was a little too tense. Kevin raised his hands defensively. “Alright man, alright. My bad,” he said. Jay sighed and started changing his prosthetics. Kevin studied him worriedly. Jay was into something, Kevin knew it for a fact. He just didn’t know what yet. 

Later that evening, Jay was packing his duffel bag for Seattle when his phone got extra buzzy. He let out a frustrated sigh and dropped the jeans he was holding. He grabbed his phone from the side table and collapsed onto the couch. The group chat had become a true menace. But Jay couldn’t let it go. Maybe deep down he knew that the guys from his unit were right. Jay needed justice. Revenge. He yearned for it even though he knew he shouldn’t. He should be the bigger person and move on. And the Jay from last month had moved on. Accepted what had happened, and trusted that someone else would sort it out. But… He had an itch in his soul that he couldn’t reach. Jay opened the group chat. His half written message from earlier that day was still in the text bar waiting. He read the new messages. A couple of the guys were asking Jay to respond and tell how he was feeling. Jay placed his phone on the couch next to him. He looked at the scarred skin on the palm of his left hand. He made a fist and let his nails dig into the flesh. He felt almost nothing. He opened the fist, and placed his left hand on his left thigh. The skin was mangled and uneven beneath his touch. He could feel it with the tips of his fingers, barely. Good thing my passport has prints from my right hand… Jay thought bitterly. Some of his left fingertips were burned, not all. Too damaged to be used for identification though. Jay ran his hand over his left upper thigh and down toward his knee. He couldn’t see much thanks to the stump sock he was wearing, but he remembered. Jay looked at the empty space on the floor where his foot should be. He wiggled his toes. On his right foot. On his left one. His brain could still tell his body to wiggle the left toes. The message was delivered but there was no destination anymore. He stared at the empty space, anger building within him. He picked up the phone, erased his earlier message and pressed against the letters on the keyboard so hard he worried his screen might crack. With a violent last touch, he pressed send. ‘I’m in. Tell me everything you know.’

— — 

Jay needed to be at the airport at least two hours early, which meant he needed to leave within the next ten minutes. Hank had promised to take him, and the two men were hurrying around the house. Jay’s bags were packed, both of his prosthetic legs were packed in their travel bag. Jay had researched beforehand about the best ways to travel with a prosthesis, and he had settled for not wearing one during the flight or at the airport. He’d have his crutches, and if he needed to he could put on his leg. He’d called the airport in advance - a tip he found online - and let them know about his situation. He had been assured by customer service that everything would go smoothly but that was yet to be determined.

 “Hank we really need to leave,” Jay said impatiently from the hall. He had both of his bags flung over his shoulder, passport and travel documents triple checked, crutches in hand and ready to go. “Fine, but complain to me when you realize you’re way too early,” Hank grumbled but finally got his ass up from the living room couch. “Right. I don’t have as much trust in the TSA as you apparently. They’re definitely going to pull me aside for a private search. Even though they shouldn’t need to, I specifically decided not to wear the leg for that reason,” Jay replied. Jay was halfway to the elevator when Hank finally made it out of the apartment. 

Hank left Jay near the entrance of the airport. They may or may not have been in a taxi lane. Both men exited the car, Hank helped Jay with the bags. “Text me when you’re through security. And when you land,” Hank ordered as he handed Jay the last of his bags. “I will. You don’t need to worry, you know?” Jay replied with a chuckle. Hank seemed serious. “I still do. You and airports don’t seem to have the greatest of relationship,” he said with a hint of amusement. Fair point. “I won’t get kidnapped this time,” Jay rolled his eyes. “But I’ll text you anyway. Thanks for the ride,” he added and waved Hank goodbye. Hank got in his car and watched Jay disappear into the crowd. Jay could try all he wanted, but he couldn’t hide his nervousness from Hank. 

Once inside, Jay checked the large boards for departing flights. He found his flight to Seattle pretty quickly. The boarding gate hadn’t been announced yet. Jay sighed and looked around. The airport was busier than the last time he had been here. He hadn’t brought his sea glass shards with him just in case they’d get lost, and now he heavily regretted it. Just make it through security, he thought to himself and started making his way to the long line. Since all he had was carry-on items, he had already checked in on the drive over to the airport. He joined the line and waited as it moved slower than humanely possible. Jay could have registered for special security screening due to his prosthetic, but he didn’t want the extra hassle. He was regretting that too as many people were staring at him. They’re just curious, he repeated in his head over and over again. 

After a small eternity, Jay finally reached the conveyor belt. He picked up a plastic tray and started emptying his pockets. He placed an informative card on top of everything. He found it online and it was supposed to be a discreet way of letting the TSA personnel know about his prosthetic legs and what assistance he might need during the security check. He pushed the tray forward on the rollers until he had to place his bags on as well. He pushed the bags and the tray onto the conveyor belt, and watched them go off without him. There was one more person in line to be scanned before him. Jay’s items stopped just before the x-ray scanners. Jay noticed how the information card was picked up by the TSA agent operating the scanner. “Sir, is this yours?” the agent asked Jay. He nodded. “Yes, all the information should be on the card,” Jay replied with a slightly shaky voice. He had never been this nervous at an airport before. The agent read through the card carefully, and seemed satisfied. “And your prosthetic devices are in the same bag?” he confirmed, and Jay nodded again. “Thank you, if you just remove your shoe as well then you may step through the scanner. Without your crutches, of course. They need to be scanned as you know”, the agent instructed and pointed toward a chair. Jay nodded and went to take a seat. He undid the laces on his shoe, and gave it to one of the other TSA agents who placed it on Jay’s tray. Jay noticed the impatient sighs and stares from the people in the line behind him. Keep it cool. It’s fine, Jay thought as he handed his crutches to the agent. “Do you require any assistance?” the agent asked after placing the crutches on the belt. “No, thanks. Just let me know when I can go through,” Jay replied and stood up. He’d gotten steady on his one foot over the last few months, and he was able to move around quite well even without the assistance of crutches. “You may walk through the scanner,” the agent finally said and walked around the scanner to wait for Jay. Jay did as instructed and passed through. It didn’t go off, thank the lord. “Sir, if you just step to the side and we’ll do a secondary search,” the agent said to Jay’s surprise. Jay glanced around. His items had seemingly passed through without issue. “Can I grab my stuff first? I don’t want to leave them behind, they’re valuable,” Jay asked and pointed to his bags and crutches. The agent seemed displeased but nodded. He watched Jay with the precision of an eagle. Jay made sure to keep his hands extra visible, as if to prove he wasn’t trying to hide anything. He quickly stuffed all of his items back into his pockets, flung the bags over his shoulders and grabbed the crutches. He didn’t have time to put on his shoe yet, so he managed to cling onto it with two fingers as he started following the agent to a private screening area. 

“It’s just a precaution, but we need to double check that you haven’t tried to hide anything under your stump sock,” the agent explained as he motioned for Jay to leave his belongings. Jay placed everything on the ground and waited for more instructions. The agent was joined by a colleague holding a tray and a handheld scanner. “If you can just empty your pockets onto the tray please,” the agent said and held the tray for Jay. He did as instructed. “You may keep your crutches for this. My colleague will use the handheld scanner first, and then we’ll do a pat-down search,” one of them explained. Jay nodded to give his consent for the search, he had nothing to hide so sooner this was done the better. As expected, the scanner didn’t find anything. The pat-down search was, well. He felt awkward the entire time but again, nothing suspicious was found. “Thank you for your patience, sir. You may gather your belongings and continue towards the gates over there,” one of the agents said and pointed Jay to the right direction. Jay finally put his shoe back on, gathered his things and hurried off. Ugh, what a hassle, he thought to himself as he walked onward. 

The gate for his flight had been announced while he was going through security. He had plenty of time before boarding, but he wanted to ensure he got a good seat near the gate as he had priority boarding, so he headed over to it right away instead of wandering around the airport. The gate wasn’t crowded yet, so he picked a good seat and sat down, reserving the seat to his left with his bags. He texted Hank to let him know that everything went okay. He then opened the group chat. The conversation had slowed down since yesterday. Jay was now fully up to speed on the situation in Bolivia. He still couldn’t quite believe that he had agreed to it. Flying out there again if their mission got green lighted. Jay didn’t expect to actually join his unit on any missions, but he might get access to follow it from the command center. But Jay had to admit, ever since he had agreed to go back, he felt more determined. Like he had found a missing piece to something. He still hadn’t told anyone. He didn’t even know when, if at all he’d be leaving. So why worry anyone? Jay sighed and took out a book from his bag. Got to pass the time somehow. 

Boarding and the flight were uneventful. Jay was one of the first people to board, and he had booked a seat with extra leg room. He had also booked the seat next to him so that he could keep his bag of prosthetics there. He had to get a special permission slip in advance to have luggage on a seat, and the plane crew handled his situation with ease. The plane wasn’t even half full, and the seats near Jay were mostly empty, meaning he got some extra peace. Even the turbulence wasn’t too bad. When the captain announced they would start landing in a moment, Jay was relieved. He deemed his first flight as an amputee a success. He had done research online, and had stumbled upon all sorts of horror stories that people with amputations had gone through. He’d been stressed for days before the flight but the whole experience gave him some confidence in his own independence and abilities. Jay did just fine with everyday life, but cross country travel was a completely different story, and flying solo with minimal assistance had been such a huge milestone for him to achieve. Jay texted Hank and Will when the plane landed. Will’s reply was instant. He promised to wait just outside the terminal. 

Jay was in no rush to exit the plane. He knew that most would stand up and block the middle lane immediately when the seatbelt lights turned off, and he wasn’t proven wrong. So he waited until most had exited before he even started gathering his things. “Do you need any assistance, mister?” a flight attendant approached Jay when he stood up to grab his bags. “Umm, sure, thanks. My duffel is the green one with a purple name tag,” Jay said as he flung his prosthetics bag over his shoulder. The flight attendant fetched the duffel bag and held it for Jay. “There you go, sir. Is there anything else, do you require assistance to exit the plane? Unfortunately we have stairs this time, no direct access to the terminal,” the flight attendant explained apologetically. Jay shrugged it off. “Oh it’s fine. I should be good but thanks,” he said and grabbed his crutches. The flight attendant, bless her soul, hovered close by just in case when Jay carefully made his way down the stairs. Jay thanked her one last time, and walked off to find Will. 

Will noticed Jay first. He was surprised to see his brother with the crutches. If he was in Jay’s shoes he would have preferred to wear the prosthetic whenever possible. But then again, that’s what he thought. He didn’t know. Will waved his hand to get Jay’s attention, and both brothers smiled widely when they noticed each other. Will walked towards him to close the final distance. “It’s so good to see you,” he said as he pulled Jay into a hug. Jay returned the hug with one arm. “You can strangle me to death later, let’s go,” Jay chuckled and broke free from Will’s hold. Will reached for Jay’s bag and started walking. “Why no leg?” Will asked curiously. Jay followed on his right side. “I just thought it would be the best way to travel. It wasn’t too bad,” Jay explained. “Did you bring your running blade too? Natalie and I have been cheering for you. When you send pictures from your runs,” Will questioned with a proud smile. Jay had come so far, and Will couldn’t be any prouder. Jay nodded. “I did. It’s in my bag. I’ll take you for a run with me tomorrow if you want,” Jay suggested, and laughed at Will’s expression. “How can you think about exercising already? Flying makes me feel like crap for days,” Will complained lightheartedly. “Come on, you’ll love it,” Jay said and playfully knocked Will’s shin with one of his crutches. Will stumbled dramatically and pretended to almost fall over. “Ouch! I can’t run anywhere if you maim me even before we leave the airport,” Will pretended to pout. The brothers continued their playful banter as they exited the airport to find Will’s car. 

“It’s always been Natalie’s dream to live in a house with a big yard. She loves gardening, who would have thought? And she wants to build a fence around the entire yard so our kids and future dogs can play safely together. That’s going to put a dent in our wallet,” Will rambled as they were pulling up the driveway. The house was beautiful. Three stories, wood painted light green. Neat rows of flowers and bushes, well maintained lawn. Old trees in the backyard. “I can see why you became a doctor and got together with one,” Jay said as he observed the house. Will chuckled. “It’s definitely nice once you make it past all the debt from med school.” Will parked the car outside the garage and turned off the engine. “Well, they’re waiting for us. Hopefully with a late brunch. You ready?” Will said and held his hand on the door handle. “You bet. I’m starving,” Jay replied and opened the car’s door. Will insisted he carry Jay’s back to the house, and Jay let him. He was almost fussing, but Jay didn’t mind. Not today. 

Will opened the front door to the house. “Honey, we’re back!” Will shouted as he waited for Jay to walk in before shutting the door. A set of footsteps approached, and soon a very pregnant looking Natalie appeared. “Oh, Jay! It’s so good to see you,” she said but went to Will first. The couple shared a quick kiss and some quiet words to each other. Jay waited awkwardly to be shown into the home. “Hi Natalie, thanks for having me on such short notice,” Jay said when Natalie approached him. Jay left the crutches to lean against the wall and hugged Natalie. “You’re always welcome here, Jay. We’re family,” Natalie said and hugged him back tightly. They parted after a while, and Jay noticed she had tears in her eyes. “Gosh, I’m always so emotional. Sorry about that, Jay. Come on in. Will, show Jay his room and I’ll go put the food out,” Natalie said with emotion in her voice. Will nodded, and waved for Jay to follow. “We have a guest room on the first floor. The rest of us are upstairs so you get some peace for yourself. This door’s to the bathroom, your room doesn’t have one,” Will explained as he led Jay down the open concept house. The house seemed almost brand new, very modern. “This is you,” Will said and opened a door to let Jay enter his room for the week. It was a large room, almost like an office. A large bed, plenty of closets and bookcases, a desk with a laptop, couch, a couple of armchairs and a tv stand. But no tv. “Even though it’s been a while we still haven’t finished with furnishing. We had lots of painting to do first,” Will explained when he noticed Jay stare at the empty tv stand. “It’s okay. It’s perfect, more than enough. Thanks,” Jay said and took a seat on the couch. “Could you hand me the black bag?” Jay asked. Will was still carrying Jay’s bags. “Sure. I’ll give you a minute to freshen up,” Will said and handed the bag to Jay. “Or you can, you know. Stay. I can show you the running blade real quick,” Jay suggested. If Will was surprised he didn’t show it. Instead he nodded and took a seat beside Jay. Will observed as Jay opened the bag and undid multiple clips and straps, and pulled out his running blade. “Badass,” Will couldn’t help but smile. Because it was. “Thanks. Kevin calls me Terminator. And I think it was Voight who originally called me RoboCop. That’s what they sometimes call me,” Jay said quietly and handed the blade to Will. He had never held a prosthetic running blade before. “I thought it would be heavier,” Will said and studied it. Jay hummed. “Would be uncomfortable to run if it was,” Jay replied simply and took out his other leg. He had stuffed the liner and sleeve inside the socket. “Are you sure it’s fine if I stay? I don’t want to intrude,” Will asked when he realized that Jay was putting on his leg. “Sure. Don’t make this weird,” Jay said and shoved Will’s arm. Will chuckled and placed the running blade down. Jay removed his stump sock - his shorts were just past his knees so nothing was really in the way. “Do you like, cut the left pant leg shorter or something from your long pants?” Will asked curiously. Jay shrugged. “Sometimes. It depends. Sometimes I just fold and tie the left one if I don’t have my leg on. But I also don’t like to show off my prosthetic all the time so I have long options too,” Jay said as he was placing his liner. Will nodded and continued observing the scene. Jay stood up once his stump was in the socket. “Has it ever fallen off?” Will asked. Jay chuckled. Will was full of questions today. “Umm, once I think. I was in a hurry and accidentally used my sock instead of the liner. They’re different in thickness, so I couldn’t create proper suction. But I didn’t realize it until I took a few steps. Fell on my face. Had a mighty headache for the rest of the day,” Jay shared with a smile. He finished rolling up the sleeve and gave the leg a few test steps. Will looked at his brother with a fond look. “It looks so casual for you. Normal. Putting it on, I mean. It’s good to see how far you’ve gone,” Will said softly and smiled. Jay chuckled and ducked his head. “It’s still rough, sometimes. But I'm getting there,” Jay replied. “Come on, let’s see what Natalie’s got for us,” Will said and stood up as well. “Good. Sounds great. Will you give me a minute though? I need to check something real quick,” Jay asked carefully. “Oh yeah. For sure. The kitchen is easy enough to find. We’ll be there,” Will said and left Jay’s room. 

Jay waited for Will to leave the room and close the door behind him. Jay went back to the couch where his bags were. He dug through his duffel and pulled his phone from the side pocket. He sat down and checked the messages. One from Hank. ‘Have fun, kid. Tell Will and Natalie I said hi.’ Jay smiled at the message. Him and Hank had a peculiar relationship that was hard for even him to understand sometimes. He wouldn’t exactly call Hank a father figure, maybe once upon a time he might have. Mentor perhaps. Jay sent him a short reply back, and checked the next message. From Green in the group chat. ‘I told the boys to keep their mouths shut for the next week. You deserve to have your quality family time. We’ll talk after, when you’re back in Chicago. Until then.’ Classic Green, good man. Jay’s reply was short but grateful. No unread messages. Jay opened a message chain with Hailey. He stared at their previous conversation with a smile on his face. His fingers traveled across the keyboard. ‘Just arrived at Will’s. I think you would love it here. Away from the city center. Thinking of you.’ Jay pressed send and put his phone down to join Will and Natalie in the kitchen.

Chapter Text

The brunch was delicious. Jay was so full he could barely walk. “That was amazing, Natalie. Do you cook often?” Jay asked as they were making their way outside to the terrace. “Not really. I work two days a week at the moment, and sometimes I have too much extra time on my hands so I cook,” Natalie explained just as they arrived at the sitting area. The terrace overlooked most of the backyard, there even seemed to be a small pond with a waterfall at the edge of the property. Jay looked around while Will and Natalie sat down. “This is a beautiful place to have a family,” Jay commented and took a seat as well. “It was all her. She and Owen were living in an apartment when I joined them, but she had already been looking for a detached house. And she chose this one,” Will said fondly. Jay smiled at his brother’s happiness. “I umm, was thinking that I could make dinner for us tonight. If that’s okay, of course,” Jay asked shyly. He’d been secretly admiring the kitchen in the house, there was so much counter space compared to Hank’s apartment. “I mean you’re totally allowed! But you don’t have to, you’re our guest,” Natalie said warmly. Jay smirked. “I thought I was family? Isn’t everyone supposed to pull their own weight?” Jay countered. “Well, you got me there. Cook all you want,” Natalie replied with a smile. Excitement spread on Jay’s face. “I brought my cookbook with me. Maybe we can go through some of the options, you can choose what you like,” Jay suggested. Will raised his brows. “Since when do you have a cookbook?” Jay shrugged his shoulders. “A few weeks ago. I started writing down my favorites. Some are just directly copied, but I’ve made small adjustments to some recipes,” Jay said slightly defensively. Natalie gave Will a disapproving look but smiled at Jay. “That sounds great. We have a light lunch planned, we can work on a meal plan after. We probably need to do some shopping as well but it’s no problem. We needed to go yesterday but someone was distracted,” Natalie finished by giving Will a pointed look. “Okay, I admit I may have spent a little too much time at the koi pond. But you should have seen them! They’re really starting to settle in,” Will defended. Natalie shook her head fondly. “I swear he pampers and spoils those fish like his own kids.” 

After a light lunch at two pm, Jay and Natalie scrolled through the cookbook and Natalie found a recipe that she wanted to try. “I’ve been trying to get Will to eat less red meat,” she told Jay. “I have plenty of options to replace red meat with chicken or fish. And I was thinking that maybe I could bake some bread too. I found this good garlic spread recipe and it works best with freshly baked bread,” Jay added shyly. He had come to love cooking for others, but he was a bit hesitant when someone was present. Hank was usually at work when Jay cooked. The only exception was Trudy, Jay really enjoyed cooking with her. “No way you can actually make bread,” Will quipped from nearby. “Yes I can. Just because you, brother, are a fire hazard in the kitchen doesn’t mean that I am,” Jay bit back. Will chuckled and came closer. “You did take after mom more than me. She loved to cook,” Will replied and looked at the cookbook. “Well, I’ll try everything once. Even your cooking,” Will joked and dodged Jay’s incoming fist. “Okay, boys that’s enough. Will, go play with your fish pond. Jay, get in the car. We’re going shopping,” Natalie ordered playfully. “Oh Will, you got yourself a good one,” Jay whispered to Will as they walked past each other. Will smiled fondly. “Exactly. So hands off!” Will tried to say seriously but his smirk gave him away. Jay shook his head with a smile of his own. 

Jay felt bad about making Natalie drive even after she said multiple times that it wasn’t an issue. Jay really needed to get things sorted when it came to driving. His insurance company required Jay to take a short course to make sure he was still okay to drive.  He’d just been too busy with everything else, mainly running, to take the course. 

“Will proposed to me last year,” Natalie said from behind the wheel after they had driven in silence for a while. Jay’s head snapped to her direction. “We got married in January. Nothing fancy, just us at the courthouse with three witnesses. I don’t think he told you yet.” Jay didn’t know what to say. “He didn’t tell me,” Jay eventually replied. He knew that life went on in his absence. But it hurt to hear that his brother, his only living relative, had gotten married and Jay didn’t even know. “I don’t think he meant to keep it from you, not intentionally. The last time he tried to reach you was in December, just after Christmas. I think he hoped that you would reach out for the holidays. So he tried one last time to call, to ask you to be his best man. He asked for a courthouse wedding after that. And I didn’t mind, as long as we were together,” Natalie shared, and Jay’s heart dropped. While Will had read Jay’s medical file, he still didn’t know that Jay had been at the hospital in Chicago in December. Jay had purposefully kept the timeline of his injuries vague. He’d used terms such as ‘a couple of months’ or ‘a few weeks’. They left much room for interpretation. So no one knew when exactly he’d returned home. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there,” was all Jay knew to say. Natalie gave him a quick sad looking smile. “He told me a little about what happened. He was pretty shaken up when he called me from his hotel. Don’t worry, he didn’t go into heavy detail. But I understand that you weren’t able to be there for our special day. He doesn’t do it on purpose but I think he’s still a little upset,” Natalie replied. “No, I get it. I left. I don’t think I would have ever reached out to any of you guys if the Intelligence hadn’t found me,” Jay admitted quietly. Natalie didn’t reply. 

“Have you gotten used to the staring?” Natalie asked when they were in the vegetable section of the store. Jay looked up from the vegetables and scanned his surroundings. Many people who walked past looked at him a moment too long. “Not really, I try my best to ignore it. It helps to remember that most of them aren’t being rude. Just curious. I just don’t like how some of them expect me to share my entire life story,” Jay replied and went back to picking avocados. Natalie nodded at his response. “I’ll go ahead and pick up the rice. Did you say brown rice?” she asked Jay. “Brown’s better yeah but anything is fine,” Jay replied absentmindedly and compared two lemons. Natalie went ahead with the shopping cart and left Jay with his lemons and avocados. Jay finally chose a lemon and was about to weigh the fruits but an elderly woman stopped him. “Oh you poor man, bless your soul. I bet you wish you didn’t sign up to use those nasty weapons. I always said to my husband ‘Lord wouldn’t want our boys fighting and being violent’ and I know you believe that in your heart too,” the woman preached. Jay stared at her with his mouth slightly open. “Umm. Can I just get past you to use the scale, please?” Jay completely ignored her speech. A couple of people had stopped to listen, and Jay was starting to feel anxious. “You poor man, did you not hear what I said? You should abandon such violent thoughts and acts, devote yourself to peace,” the woman said with a firm tone. “Ma’am, it’s not fair of you to assume anything about me or my life. Can you please move out of the way?” Jay tried to keep his voice neutral. He looked around but couldn’t see Natalie anywhere. “I can see it in your eyes, young boy. You're tormented by the demons of your past. Let go of the violence, and you may still be redeemed,” the woman said and tried to reach for Jay’s hand. Jay took a shaky step backwards. “You’re out of line, woman,” he said sharply and looked for another scale to use. He spotted one and started walking towards it. “Hey! I’m talking to you, young man! People nowadays, no respect. See, everyone? These are the men that fight overseas. No kindness in their hearts or souls. No warmth for strangers. The devil has its claws deep within you, you must reject his presence!” the old woman said with a shaky voice, faking tears. Jay rolled his eyes and tried to keep his cool. She didn’t know a thing about him. Nothing. Who was she to judge? The audacity. Jay weighed the fruits and hurried to find Natalie. 

Jay found Natalie a few aisles ahead. “Oh, there you are Jay. I didn’t want to pick the flour without you. What do you think?” Natalie said, oblivious of what had just happened at the vegetable section. Jay evened his breathing discreetly and placed the avocados and the lemon in the cart. “Flour… oh for the bread,” Jay muttered. “Everything okay, Jay? You seem… off?” Natalie asked after she realized Jay wasn’t fully paying attention. “Oh, I’m just. Umm, tired. Whole grain flour is usually my go to,” Jay tried to sound more casual, and started browsing the flour options. Natalie squinted her eyes at Jay but didn’t challenge him in the store. She’d ask later, the conversation wasn’t finished. “These should work well. I’ve used them in pancakes as well. I can make those tomorrow for breakfast,” Jay said and placed a bag in the cart. “You’re free to cook as much and as often as you want, Jay. But we want you to relax too, okay?” Natalie chuckled and started pushing the cart. Jay only nodded and followed a few steps behind. 

Jay and Natalie were putting the groceries into the car when the elderly woman from the store approached them. “There you are! Oh, is this your wife? How could she accept you with all that anger and violence. Miss, you are always welcome to our community center if you need some guidance,” the woman said. Natalie looked at Jay with a confused look. Wife? What? “She’s my sister-in-law. Can you please leave us alone?” Jay said with a sigh and turned back to the groceries. “Such ignorance! May the lord save your soul!” the woman said with a loud gasp and stormed off… as fast as her chubby little legs allowed her. “What the hell was that?” Natalie wondered. “Oh. Umm, she thinks I’m doomed because I’m some sort of gun loving violence freak,” Jay shrugged and lifted the last bag into the car. “I’ll take the cart back and then we can go,” Jay continued and hurried off with the cart, leaving behind a confused Natalie. 

Will was sitting on a bench facing the koi pond when Natalie approached him. Will heard her footsteps. “Oh, hi baby. How was the store? Busy as always I imagine,” Will said and scooted left on the bench to make room for his wife. “It was fine. I just think something happened with Jay when we parted ways for a moment,” Natalie said as she took a seat next to Will. “Huh, what do you mean? What did he say?” Will asked worriedly and turned to face Natalie. “That’s just it, he didn’t say anything. I asked twice and he brushed me off. I didn’t want to keep pushing since you know, we’re not the closest two people on the planet. But he was quiet, withdrawn the entire ride back,” Natalie said with furrowed brows. “What happened?” Will asked. Natalie proceeded to tell him about the old woman in the parking lot. Will shook his head at the part where she thought Jay and Natalie were a couple. “I knew I should have put a ring on you. Literally. You need to let me buy you one,” Will shook his head with a smile. “I don’t need a ring to prove that we love each other. You know that,” Natalie said. “And that’s not the point here anyway. The woman clearly said something to Jay inside the store while we were separated,” Natalie finished. “You’re right babe, sorry. Want me to talk to him? Where is he anyway?” Will asked and looked around the yard and back to the house. “He insisted on putting away the groceries by himself. He wanted to be of use. And I didn’t want to hover, and came here after I showed him the pantry,” Natalie replied, and Will sighed. Less than 12 hours in, and Jay had already managed to worry Natalie. “I’ll go and talk to him,” Will promised and stood up. He leaned over to give Natalie a quick kiss on her forehead, and walked back to the house. 

The kitchen was empty. The reusable grocery bags were neatly folded on one of the counters, and Jay was nowhere to be found. Will called out for him, but got no response. He checked the living room on his way to Jay’s room. Will arrived at Jay’s door and knocked. “Jay, you in there?” he asked softly. He thought he heard something, and knocked again. “Jay? Answer or I’m coming in,” Will said a bit louder. “I’m here,” came Jay’s response. Will barely heard it. “What’s going on? Can I come in?” he asked worriedly. The silence stretched out for so long that Will almost knocked again, but at the last moment Jay answered. “Come on then.” 

Will pushed the door open. He could see Jay’s head and upper shoulders behind the bed, Jay seemed to be sitting on the floor. “Jay? What’s going on?” Will asked and closed the door behind him. Jay’s prosthetic was lying on the floor, having been removed in a hurry. Will walked softly, approached Jay carefully to not spook him. He walked across the bed and saw Jay properly. He was leaning against the bed, both legs stretched in front of him. And between his legs, a tall mirror, taken from the wall across the room. The reflective side was pointed toward Jay’s right foot. Oh. “Jay?” Will said again and knelt down next to him. Jay’s hands were in tight fists on his lap, and his eyes were firmly glued to the mirror. He seemed pale, sweaty. Maybe even shaking a little. Alarm bells sounded in Will’s head, the doctor in him surfacing. “What’s wrong?” Will asked firmly. Jay shook his head. “It’s fine,” he breathed out. “Jay, this doesn’t look fine! What the hell is this?” Will demanded and stared at his brother. “It’ll pass, okay? It’s just phantom pain,” Jay’s reply was stiff, pained. Will’s hands hovered around Jay, trying to find something to do. “How can I help?” Will asked softly. Jay shook his head slightly. “You can’t. It’ll pass,” Jay replied shortly. Will didn’t know what else to do, so he sat down next to Jay and waited. 

They stayed on the floor long enough for Will’s butt to go numb. But he didn't dare move. Not before Jay was okay. And slowly, he seemed to get better. His breathing evened out, fists uncurled, body stilled. Jay’s eyes had closed at some point. Will stared at his brother for a while. “You okay?” Will whispered. Jay’s eyes opened into slits. He blinked a few more times, flexed his left leg. Cleared his throat. “Yeah, umm, fine,” Jay’s voice was hoarse. “What the hell, Jay?” Will asked worriedly. He’d never seen Jay like this, and it scared the hell out of him. “It doesn’t happen often, not like this,” Jay muttered. “What doesn’t?” Will wanted to understand. “Sometimes, umm, bad memories can trigger physical pain. Or, phantom pain I guess. It’s not usually this bad though,” Jay explained tiredly. Will thought about what Natalie had said earlier, what happened at the parking lot. “Do you know what caused this, like a trigger?” Will asked carefully. Jay considered his answer for a couple minutes. “Afghanistan, I guess,” Jay’s answer didn’t clear anything for Will. Afghanistan? What does that have to do with the store granny? Or losing the leg..? Will thought to himself. “I don’t understand,” Will had to admit. Jay sighed. “Which part?” “Why would Afghanistan be a trigger for your phantom pain? I mean, you still had your leg then,” Will put his confusion into words. Jay hummed. “It’s not that straightforward. One thing can make you remember another thing, and sometimes there’s simply no connection at all between things,” Jay tried to explain. Will nodded slowly to indicate he was following so far. “And today?” he asked. “The woman at the grocery store. I knew a woman like her once. She had a son. Crossed paths in Afghanistan. He didn’t make it. Then in Bolivia…” Jay’s voice trailed off. Will nodded again as encouragement. “There was this woman. Probably a hundred or something. She used to cook for us sometimes. But she prayed for us more. She prayed for me. Because I had the burden of being in charge. I was the demon in her eyes. Ordering my guys to go blindly towards danger. She thought I could be redeemed,” Jay muttered. Will tried to find a connection between the events. “And the woman from today, what did she say?” Will questioned. Jay shrugged. “Nothing nice. Called me out right in front of Natalie, accused me of being evil basically,” Jay said tiredly. He didn’t like that Natalie had witnessed it, she didn’t deserve his drama. “You obviously know she was wrong, right?” Will said immediately. “She wasn’t entirely wrong though. I just don’t want Natalie to have to deal with that stuff. Or you for that matter. It’s on me,” Jay replied. Will put a comforting hand on Jay’s shoulder. “Didn’t you hear her before? You’re family. Our family. You don’t have to do this alone anymore,” Will said firmly. “Congratulations about the marriage,” Jay said suddenly. His words felt hollow, tired. Will cocked his head. “Umm, thanks? Don’t change the subject though,” Will replied curtly. Jay sighed and shook Will’s hand off his shoulder. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I should have,” Jay said softly. Will stood up and crossed his arms. “Yes, you should have. I tried to call you to let you know. I guess there’s no cell service in Bolivia..,” Will snapped back. “Chicago,” Jay replied with a small voice. “Huh?” “I was already in Chicago then. Natalie told me when you tried to call,” Jay revealed. Will’s body went tense, eyes darkened with anger. “You were in… Why didn’t you call me back?! I thought… if you were in Bolivia then that would have made sense but in Chicago?” Will's voice raised the more he spoke. Jay ducked his head. “The day you called. It was the day after I woke up,” his words were barely audible. Will’s gaze softened. “What?” he stuttered. “I lied. About everything. The timeline of my injuries and recovery.” Will took a step back. “Wait so.. I thought you got home in late January?” he asked, confused. Jay shook his head and looked at Will. “No. I was.. rescued by my unit on November 28th. I flew back home on December 5th. They cut off my leg on the same day. You called on December 27th. The day after I woke up,” Jay struggled to get the words out. Will had to take a seat on the bed or he might have collapsed. “But… you said before that you… You were in a coma for three weeks?!” Will didn’t understand. None of this made any sense. “I told you. I was in a bad way before. I didn’t think the details mattered. I didn’t tell anyone,” Jay tried to explain. “Did you know I called?” Will asked sharply. Jay nodded hesitantly. “I wanted to pick up the phone. I could have. But I didn’t know what to say. So I let it ring until it went to voicemail. And I just, left it alone,” Jay’s voice was shaky, tears were forming in his eyes. Will couldn’t wrap his head around any of this. “Why did… This wasn’t on the file,” Will managed to say. Jay nodded. “I asked them not to. It wouldn’t have made a difference for my insurance. I didn’t… want a physical reminder of the time that I lost,” Jay said through tears. “That doesn’t make any sense! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me before,” Will grumbled and stood up. Jay wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “You wouldn’t get it!” he exclaimed, frustrated. Will started pacing. “You don’t know that! At least try and explain,” Will’s voice shook a little. Jay scoffed angrily. “You want me to tell you? You want me to spell it out for you, huh? Fine. I tried to kill myself.” 

Will heard buzzing in his ears. Jay must have said the wrong words. His brother wouldn’t do that. Jay wouldn’t try… he wouldn’t. Will had stopped in his tracks, back turned to Jay. Will stared ahead with unfocused eyes. Jay wouldn’t do that. Except… Will already knew for a fact that Jay had tried. Once before. After his last Afghanistan tour. Mouse had told Will once. Will didn’t know the details, and would probably never find out. “Why?” Will forced himself to ask. He needed to understand. “I woke up on the 6th. I was confused. In pain. In so many ways. Everything hurt. I just wanted it to be over. Then I saw that they took my leg..,” Jay’s words were barely comprehensible, he was sobbing violently. “I didn’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be like this. I could barely recognize myself anymore. It wasn’t me. Should have died before I even reached the hospital in Bolivia. I was just… so tired.” Will slowly turned around to face his brother. Tears ran down Will’s cheeks, his body shook a little. His baby brother… in so much pain. “They probably thought I wouldn’t come around so soon. I was in the burn unit at that point, so they had scalpels to remove dead tissue from patients. They didn’t expect me to be able to get out of bed… but I did,” Jay was able to finish sharing enough before he broke down completely. His sobs shook his entire body, and he couldn’t find his words anymore. Will let out a pained sob as well, and stumbled to the floor next to Jay and pulled him into a tight hug. Jay sounds were muffled against Will’s chest. Together, the brothers cried. 

Chapter Text

Natalie was getting worried. Will had been gone a long time. Too long. She couldn’t wait any longer. She walked to the house, hoping to find the brothers in the kitchen. Catching up. Baking together. Like they probably used to as kids. But the kitchen was empty. So was the living room. She figured they must be in the guest room. She walked over, and saw the closed door. Knocked on it gently. She heard footsteps almost immediately. Shushed words, and then the door opened. Just enough to show Will’s face. Natalie covered her mouth with her hand. Will’s face was red and puffy, cheeks still wet from tears shed a long time ago. “Give me a minute?” Will whispered and shut the door. Natalie stood frozen for a minute, then walked to the living room to wait. 

Will emerged about ten minutes later. He looked… exhausted. To the bone. The sort of tiredness that you can’t put into words. Natalie stood from the couch and held her arms open for Will. He welcomed her embrace, and hugged her back tightly. “What’s going on?” Natalie asked carefully as she rubbed circles on Will’s back. Will sighed but didn’t say anything. Just held onto her for a while longer. When he finally did pull back, he looked to be on the verge of tears again. Natalie took Will's hand and guided him to the couch. She waited patiently. “Jay’s resting right now, trying to sleep. Umm,” Will’s voice was raw, thick with emotion. Will then started explaining everything that had happened. How Jay’s phantom pain had started at the store parking lot, and how it kept getting worse until he couldn’t finish putting away the grocery bags. How Jay had hurried to his room to try the mirror therapy method, as he didn’t have any other methods to use. Will told her about how Jay explained the reason for the phantom pain. How Jay brought up their marriage. Will lowered his head in shame when he admitted to Natalie that he had yelled at Jay. He told her about how Jay eventually broke down and told him the truth about the timeline of his rescue and injuries. And the truth about why he had lied. By the end of it all, both Natalie and Will were in tears. “Before I came out, I asked Jay if I could tell you. He said yes,” Will said between the quiet sobs. Natalie’s heart ached for Jay. She didn’t know what to say. “Poor man. Hasn’t he been through enough… Just when I think I’ve heard it all…,” she said sadly and sniffled. Will wrapped an arm around her. “I don’t know what to do. How do I help him?” he pleaded for Natalie to give him the answer. But she didn’t have one. 

“We should probably order takeout..,” Will eventually muttered from Natalie’s side. Natalie adjusted herself slightly. “Do we… Would it help Jay to cook? I know it probably sounds stupid, but maybe he needs normalcy?” Natalie suggested carefully. Will hummed. “He was super excited earlier. I’ve never seen him so happy in the kitchen. I knew he liked the idea of cooking but I never knew he was that passionate. Couldn’t hurt to ask?” Will concluded and checked the time. 6.30. “Do you remember how complicated the meal was? Will it take too long to prepare considering how late it already is?” Will thought. Natalie considered it a moment. “We can always ask him. Like you said before, he needs independence. We shouldn’t decide for him,” she replied gently. Will smiled at her fondly. She always knew what to do, what to say. “You said he’s resting. It’s only been twenty minutes so far. Let’s give him another twenty. Then you can go see if he’s sleeping. We should have fries and meatballs in the freezer, we can put those in the oven if he doesn’t want to cook. You should specifically tell him that we have other food so he doesn’t cook just to make us feel good,” Natalie instructed. Will pressed a gentle kiss on her hair. “What was that for?” she asked fondly. “For being you. For being so good at this. I was terrified earlier. When he told me. I didn’t know what to do,” Will admitted quietly. “You were there for him. You listened. You showed him that he’s not alone anymore. You did everything you could,” Natalie said firmly. “I just hope it’s enough,” Will sighed. 

Twenty minutes later Will was at Jay’s door. No matter how long he stood there, he wouldn’t be any more prepared. So Will took a deep breath and gently knocked on the door. He thought he heard an answer, so he opened it and stepped in. Jay was lying on his right side facing the door. His eyes were halfway open. “Hey, Jay. How are you feeling?” Will asked carefully and walked closer to take a seat on the edge of the bed. Jay rubbed his eyes and shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Sorry you had to find out,” Jay murmured. Will sighed and considered how to continue. “You’re my brother, Jay. You can always talk to me. About anything, and I’ll listen. I’ll always be here for you,” Will said sincerely. Jay sniffed and pulled himself up to a seated position, leaning against the headboard. “I’m still sorry,” he said softly. Will observed his brother now that he was sitting. He looked oddly normal. Tired, maybe but not a train wreck like Will. “How are you doing so… I want to say well right now?” Will asked, slightly concerned. “Therapy. I’ve tried dealing with it for a while now. Therapy helps,” Jay replied truthfully. Huh, who would have thought. Jay Halstead says therapy works… Will thought to himself. “Hopefully you understand why I have to ask… but you’re not feeling… suicidal anymore?” Will tried to be as gentle as possible. Jay huffed. “No. I told you already, in Chicago. I wouldn’t do that,” Jay’s reply was slightly defensive. “Okay, okay. I believe you. I just had to ask, I hope you understand. Can you promise me something though? If that ever changes, you call me. Or Voight or Hailey or anyone. Call someone. You’re so loved by so many people. You matter, Jay,” Will pleaded. Jay’s eyes softened. “I promise, Will. Sorry I ruined dinner,” Jay apologized. “Actually, that’s one reason why I came back. I wanted to ask if you still want to make dinner. We do have food in the freezer so you don’t have to unless you absolutely want to. Or you can cook some other time. Your call,” Will explained. Jay contemplated his options. “How’s Natalie, after you told her?” he asked Will. Will opted for honesty. “She was very upset when I told her, understandably. But she’s not angry at you or anything,” Will replied. Jay nodded thoughtfully. “If you both don’t mind the wait then I could cook. Get my mind off of all this. But if you’re hungry then we can have the frozen meal,” Jay suggested. “We’re okay to wait. We would love to taste your cooking. Yes, even me,” Will teased gently. Jay gave him a lopsided smile. “Okay then. I can cook,” Jay declared. Will gave him a small nod, and stood up. “You want me to stay or go ahead without you?” he asked. “Stay. Please,” Jay’s response was immediate. Will nodded and waited for Jay to get ready.  

Jay’s guilt levels shot through the roof when he saw Natalie in the kitchen. She looked nervous, uncomfortable in her own home. Because of him. “Hi, Natalie. Sorry I made you worry,” Jay said quietly as he and Will arrived in the kitchen. Natalie smiled sadly but shook her head. “It’s okay, Jay. You don’t need to apologize. You also don’t need to explain, but I’m here if you want to talk,” her voice was gentle. Jay studied her face in search of pity. But he found none. Jay shifted his weight from one leg to another, the situation making him awkward. “Umm, I’m going to get started on the bread. This isn’t the recipe I’d usually go for but these are faster to make. They’re like little bread rolls,” Jay said and went to wash his hands at the sink. “Do you want us to help with the rice? Will can peel the shrimp, can’t you?” Natalie offered, and Will scrunched his nose. “Uhh, sure. Just show me how and I’ll do it,” Will put on a brave face. For a doctor he was surprisingly squeamish when it came to handling dead animals and such. “Um, I can show you. Natalie, could you start mixing the bread ingredients? I’ll continue it in a bit,” Jay, usually in his element when giving orders, felt out of place ordering Will and Natalie around. Will fetched the shrimps from the fridge, and Natalie started measuring flour and other dry ingredients. Will played horrified when Jay showed him the fastest way to peel shrimps. Jay wasn’t an idiot, it was clear to him that Will was trying to cheer him up. It was working, he had to admit. Once Jay was confident in Will’s skills, he returned back to Natalie and the bread making. “Thank you, umm you can get started with the rice if you want to help more,” Jay said shyly. Natalie smiled at him warmly and nodded. “Look at us go! We’re like a well oiled machine, just cooking together,” Will declared after a while. “Just focus on your peeling, mister fire hazard,” Natalie chuckled and checked the recipe for the next step. Jay smiled a little. Things would be okay. 

The meal turned out well. The brown rice with shrimp and avocado was just right. And the straight from the oven -bread rolls, with garlic and lemon butter? Heavenly. “Jay, I think you need to move in with us. We could use a private chef,” Will said with a mouth full of bread. Natalie chuckled. “If we had cooking this good every day then we would become round like basketballs. This is really good, Jay,” Natalie praised. Jay smiled shyly, cheeks red. “I just followed the recipe, and you helped too,” he said. “So humble. Like always,” Will poked Jay between his ribs. Jay squirmed and smacked his hand away. “Boys, behave,” Natalie shook her head but had a smile on her lips. She was happy to see Jay in better spirits than earlier. Although… something still bugged her. “You can ask, Natalie. I won’t promise to answer but you can still ask,” Jay suddenly said. Natalie looked a bit embarrassed having been caught but gave Jay a smile. “You’re very observant, I’ll give you that,” aje chuckled. “About earlier… I still don’t understand how you were able to fly commercially so soon after suffering your injuries.” Jay hummed and seemed thoughtful. “It was mostly thanks to my guys. They fought like hell for me, advocated for me when I was barely conscious. After the doctors didn’t know what else to try to save my leg, one of my buddies told them to cast it. Wrap me up and send me back to the States. My guys called in every favor they had. They let me go around security at the airport, it was the only way to get on board. Any sensible security worker would have stopped me from entering the plane,” Jay explained carefully. He was sure that neither Natalie nor Will would like his answer. He was right. “Jesus, Jay…” Will muttered and shook his head. Natalie’s eyes widened and she looked at Jay worryingly. “I hope you have later on realized how dangerous and stupid that was. It’s a miracle you didn’t die from the flight,” Natalie scolded. “It was the only chance I had left. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I had to try,” Jay defended. “You said before that your leg was a lost cause long before you left Bolivia,” Will commented with a frown. “It was. But I still had to try. I couldn’t just let them take it. I wanted to come home,” Jay said quietly. He was tired of trying to justify himself. They would never understand. “I just, I don’t know how to explain it so that you can understand,” Jay continued. “Just say it how it is. Just straight and simple,” Natalie suggested. Jay considered his approach, searching for the perfect words carefully before speaking. “I just. You need to put away the logic. The doctors in you. I had just spent almost a month in chains. With no ability to decide anything for myself. My voice was taken away from me. And then when they rescued me, they told me that they would take my leg? Because it was what they thought was best for me. Such bullshit. They didn’t know me. How could they decide anything for me? It should have been my decision. It needed to be my call. So my boys made sure that it was.” Will and Natalie stayed silent, trying to understand Jay’s point of view. “I don’t need your approval or anything. It’s in the past, it’s done. I just pray that you never understand how that was like, having no say in what happened,” Jay said in a serious manner. Natalie nodded. “Of course, Jay. We’re just happy you’re here now. Right, Will?” she said softly and waited for Will. Will took another bread roll and dipped it in garlic butter. “Yeah, she’s right. I’m glad you’re here today, Jay. This garlic butter is amazing,” Will said and took a bite of the roll. The tension seemed to dissolve after that. Jay let out a small laugh, and leaned back in his seat. “I’ll make you some more tomorrow,” Jay promised. “And the day after that, too,” Will added. “Sure, Will. Anything you want.” 

Jay didn’t agree to become their personal chef, but he did offer to take Will with him for a run the next day. The older Halstead brother didn’t exactly jump with joy when Jay had shared that he often went for a run at 5.30. In the morning. But Will had come to appreciate still having his brother in his life, so he begrudgingly set an alarm for 5.10 in the morning to join Jay. 

“I don’t even remember the last time I wore my running shoes,” Will muttered tiredly as he walked out the front door to the yard where Jay was already waiting. Will perked up immediately when he noticed Jay and his running blade. There was something about Jay when he had the blade on, Will observed. Jay had almost an aura, of calmness and self confidence. Something that Jay didn’t seem to have most of the time anymore. He used to emit this sense of stability and certainty that Will had always admired about Jay. But after Bolivia, things had changed. “Morning,” Jay greeted with a little too much enthusiasm for Will’s liking at such an ungodly hour. “Why do you need to wake up so early… you can literally run whenever,” Will whined and stopped next to Jay. “Because it’s not too hot out yet. And it’s a bit more quiet too,” Jay answered. “I get that, but we live in a quiet area so even just an hour later would have been better,” Will complained again. “Bro, you need to up your game if you want to be prepared for sleepless nights with a newborn. You only have a couple more months left,” Jay countered and did a couple hops. Will sighed, Jay had him there. “I should be sleeping more now, store all the extra rest,” Will countered. “You and I both know that’s not how it works. Now come on, let’s get going!” Jay said excitedly and started jogging at a slow pace. Will groaned but followed his brother. 

About two miles in, Will was huffing like a steam train. He was barely able to keep up with Jay, who seemed unphased by the distance ran so far. “Come on, a little further and then we can take a break,” Jay encouraged and slowed down but only a little. “If I die before my child is born I will kill you,” Will managed to say between his huffing and puffing. Jay had the audacity to laugh and pick up the pace again. “Come on, there’s a bench right ahead!” Jay said and picked up the pace even more. Will noticed the bench and gave up. He had to walk the rest of the way. Jay smirked at him when he finally reached the bench. “You’re an asshole, you know that, right?” Will muttered and practically collapsed onto the bench. As to prove Will’s point, Jay stayed standing. “You need to get out more. Isn’t it beautiful out here? Peaceful, great way to start your day,” Jay said with a smile. Will smiled too. Not because he was happy to be running, but because Jay was. Jay was happy. And based on what Will had learned yesterday, Jay being happy meant the world to Will right now. “Come and take a seat then. Enjoy the beautiful moment,” Will said and patted the spot next to him. Jay accepted the invitation. Will opened the pocket on his thin sports hoodie and grabbed his phone. He slid close to Jay, their sides touching. “Man, what the hell?” Jay asked curiously. Will opened the camera on his phone and flipped the front camera on. “For Natalie,” Will offered, and Jay reluctantly leaned closer and flung his arm over Will’s shoulder so Will could take a selfie of them. Will looked at the photo for a while before he handed the phone to Jay. The younger Halstead couldn’t remember the last time he and Will took a photo together, just the two of them. Must have been several years ago. “Can you send this to me?” Jay said as he handed Will the phone back. “Of course. Let me send it to Nat first,” Will said and focused on his phone. Jay decided to use the opportunity to do some quick stretches. “Alright, all done. Should we head back?” Will said after a couple of minutes and stood up. Jay let out a laugh and smirked mischievously. “Go back? We’re not even halfway done yet!”

“I don’t get it. How can you do that every morning and have the energy to do other stuff afterwards?” Will wondered as the brothers were finally walking up the driveway to Will and Natalie’s house. Will didn’t even know what time it was, his legs were wobbly and his lungs would probably need two to three business days to recover. Jay, however, seemed frustratingly okay. Normal, not even a hint of tiredness. “I don’t do it every morning. Only if I don’t have swim class or physical therapy. Plus I try and have one rest day each week. And I usually do about a mile, mike and a half more. You slowed me down,” Jay explained with a smile. “But don’t you feel good now that you finished the run? They call it the runner’s high.” Will wanted to laugh but he was too out of breath. “Do I feel good? Absolutely not! I can barely walk straight, I probably coughed up a lung,” Will complained dramatically. Jay only smirked. Will wanted to punch him so badly. “You’ll feel better the next time. Same time tomorrow?” “I hate you, Jay,” Will muttered quietly. “Love you too brother,” Jay said softly. 

Will was still in the shower by the time Jay had finished stretching, showered and gotten dressed for the day. Natalie was on the terrace drinking herbal tea when Jay joined her. Jay was carrying a small tray with some breakfast for himself, and a cup of sliced fruits for Natalie. “Morning,” Jay said and placed the tray on the wooden yard table. “Morning. You were gone a long time, I was starting to wonder if you got lost,” Natalie chuckled as Jay took a seat. “No, Will was just slowing me down. Not really, he did well actually. I doubt he’ll join me again though. I think he’s still tending to his aching muscles in the shower,” Jay was amused by the concept, and reached for an avocado sandwich. “The fruit bowl is for you. I wasn’t sure if you had eaten already, but I wanted to bring you something too,” Jay added before taking a bite. Natalie seemed a little surprised. “That’s very thoughtful of you, thank you. Seems like I can always eat, this little princess is definitely a hungry one,” Natalie said fondly and grabbed the fruit bowl. Jay stopped mid chew. Princess. “Are you - you’re having a daughter?” Jay stuttered the words out. Natalie made an ‘oh shit’ - face. “No. You didn’t hear a thing. I didn’t say anything,” she said firmly. Jay nodded immediately. “Of course. Does Will know?” Natalie shook her head. “No one does. Besides me and my doctor of course. We wanted to keep it a surprise. But Will kept saying how he always dreamed he’d have two kids. He revealed he hoped this one would be a girl when I asked. He of course also said that he’d love any child the same. He’s so good with Owen, loves him like his own. But I wanted to know if it was a boy or a girl. Not that it matters. But you know. He’s going to be so happy when she’s born” Natalie explained softly. A smile spread on Jay’s face. “He’s already happy. I know Will, he’d love any kid equally. He’s a good man. And I think he’s going to be a good father. Like you’re going to be a great mom, I mean you already are, to Owen,” Jay quickly added. Natalie checked behind her to make sure Will wasn’t approaching. “He’s so good with Owen. Owen wanted to go to this summer camp for four weeks, and I was so nervous. But Will reassured me how important the camp would be for Owen. We call almost every day, and he’s so happy there. I let him go because of Will,” Natalie shared. Jay nodded and finished his sandwich. “I’m already an uncle to Makayla, and she’s always going to have a special place in my heart, but I can’t wait to be an uncle to your child as well,” Jay said with emotion. “And for the record, I do consider Owen my nephew too. It’s just that we haven’t had the opportunity to get to know each other properly. But I would like to,” Jay added. “I think Will has something he’s been meaning to ask you,” Natalie said and nudged her head towards the house. Jay looked, and saw Will approaching. “Here you guys are! I was talking to myself in the house because I thought you’d be in the kitchen. But you’re out here hiding,” Will said and took a seat amongst them. “We’re not hiding. We were actually talking about you, sort of” Natalie said with a mischievous smile. “Oh? What about me?” Will asked curiously. Jay wasn’t sure either. “Well, Jay here was just telling me how excited he is to be an uncle to our little one,” Natalie explained and an understanding look spread on Will’s face. “Ahh I see. I mean, this seems as good a moment as any,” Will started. He turned in his seat to face Jay. “Natalie and I talked about it. And I know it’s usually not done so early, before the baby is born but we would be honored if you became her or his godfather,” Will finished and waited for Jay’s reaction. Jay was taken aback. He couldn’t believe it. “Me? You want me to be their godfather?” Jay repeated in disbelief. Both Will and Natalie nodded. “We talked it through a few days before you arrived. And yesterday only made us more certain. You’re family, Jay. You’re the only correct choice here,” Will explained gently. Jay still couldn’t believe it. Him? “But I’m… I’m not a good role model for a kid,” Jay admitted. “What are you on about? Of course you are! Trust me, if this was a bad idea my mom instincts would have kicked in,” Natalie said firmly. “So? What do you say, will you be our child’s godfather?” Will asked again. Jay wasn’t ashamed of the tears forming in his eyes. “Yes, it would be one of the greatest honors of my live,” Jay said with a shaky laugh and stood up to hug Natalie first and then Will.

“How about some fresh garlic bread to celebrate?” Jay suggested after the hugs were done. “Oh you’re going to have to teach me that one,” Will said and licked his lips in anticipation. “Sure. You ready to get started or do you need more time to recover from our run?” Jay teased. “I’ll race you,” Will said and took off running towards the house. Jay laughed and sprinted after his brother. Natalie watched them go with a fond look on her face. Our little family, she thought and rested her hands on her baby bump. 

Chapter Text

Jay stayed with Natalie and Will for five more days. And to Jay’s surprise, Will did in fact join him for his morning runs every time Jay went. It was actually Jay who had to cancel last minute when his phantom pains got in the way. Will understood but was disappointed as he had already woken up at five only to be told “no run”. 

It was Jay’s last day in Seattle. His flight would leave late that evening, so he woke up extra early to enjoy the day. He wasn’t going for a run this morning, he wanted to have a nice, slow day with Natalie and Will. He didn’t know when he would see them again, so he didn’t need to spend it running around. Instead, he dressed quietly and sneaked out the back door to go wait for the sunrise. He walked over to the koi pond where he and Will had spent a lot of time in the last few days. Jay never knew Will liked fish. Owning fish, to be more specific. But apparently it had been a dream of his for several years. Jay took a seat on the bench that was facing the pond. He liked it here. The house was just far enough from the city that you wouldn’t be bothered by the loud city life. It was quiet, serene even. Something Jay never really experienced in Chicago. Maybe he should buy a cabin by the lake somewhere, leave the loud cities behind and start fresh. Live off the land, he could buy a horse and a couple of sheep and chickens, maybe even a cow or two. And with sheep comes a sheepdog. He could grow all the garlic he could ever need, have a big garden with vegetables and herbs and fruit trees… Hailey would like that. Oh? When did this become about Hailey? Jay shook his head to clear his mind. No, Hailey and him, they weren’t together anymore. Although… Jay had been texting Hailey every day before bed, just short messages to summarize his days. He sometimes sent a photo too, like the selfie of him and Will. Hailey never sent a photo back, just some witty comment about what Jay had been up to that day. Oh, and smiley emojis. She used smiley emojis. Did she..? No, Jay must be reading into things too much. Hailey didn’t like him anymore, not like that. But why hasn’t she returned the ring? She took Jay’s broken wedding ring by accident when Voight had crashed their heart to heart, and she still hadn’t returned it. Why? Jay sighed and looked around the quiet yard. Hailey would like it here too… 

About two hours later Jay was sneaking around in the kitchen when Natalie wandered over. Her hair was in a messy bun and she was rubbing her eyes. “Morning. I hope I didn’t wake you,” Jay said quietly and flipped over the pancake he had on the pan. Natalie shook her head and took a seat on one of the stools. “No, I just can’t seem to sleep in anymore. And I had to check out what you’re cooking. It smells amazing,” Natalie said and stifled a yawn. “I wanted to surprise you, for my last day. Pancakes with berries, fresh bread rolls with garlic,” Jay said shyly and motioned around the kitchen. Only then Natalie looked around, and noticed the dishes and pots. “How long have you been up? Jay, you didn’t need to do this,” Natalie asked in awe. The table had been set, and Jay had picked some wildflowers and put them in a vase. “I don’t sleep in that much either,” Jay shrugged and flipped the finished pancake onto the growing pile next to the stove. “Do you think Will will be up soon? I don’t want to make the coffee just yet if he’s not up,” Jay questioned and carried the plate of pancakes to the table, and placed a kitchen towel on top of them to keep them warm. “Oh he’ll be up soon. I’m pretty sure he’ll smell the garlic bread any minute now and run in here,” Natalie joked. 

True to Natalie’s words, a disheveled Will stumbled into the kitchen less than ten minutes later. His shirt was on backwards and he was missing a sock. “I thought I was dreaming, I smelled garlic “, Will said with a low voice, sleep still evident in him. Natalie and Jay smiled at the sight. “Well, have a seat and taste for yourself. They’re still warm,” Jay said and pointed to a small basket full of bread rolls. Will stretched before taking a seat. He rubbed his hands together and got to work. Jay leaned back and shook his head as his brother worked to eat through several bread rolls. “I won’t make another batch for you again, you should enjoy them while they last,” Jay said when Will was on his fifth roll. “Wait, what? I thought you were going to stay and become our live in - chef?” Will joked with a mouth full of bread. “Such a pig,” Natalie scolded and playfully smacked Will’s arm. Jay enjoyed the moment. Soaked in it, memorized it to the best of his ability. He would miss them both. 

“Will you tell me what’s going on with you?” Will asked Jay later that afternoon. They were at the koi pond, Jay sitting on the bench while Will fed the fish. They had to leave for the airport in about two hours, so the brothers used some of their last time together to just hang out, do nothing important. “Hm?” Jay asked, confused. Will tossed one more handful of feed into the pond and turned to face his brother. “You’ve been off since yesterday. Like you’re trying too hard to make this visit worthwhile for us, for me and Nat,” Will replied slowly. Jay shifted uncomfortably under the starting interrogation. “I don’t know what you mean”, Jay deflected and turned his attention elsewhere. Will took a couple steps closer. “No, don’t give me that. Something’s going on, I can tell. I know you, Jay. You’re hiding something,” Will said firmly. Buzz, buzz. Just like summoned, Jay’s phone buzzed. Jay didn’t need to check to know it was the group chat. “That’s exactly my point! You got that weird look on your face. Who’s texting you?” Will demanded and took a seat next to Jay. He gently took Jay’s hand to get and keep his attention. “Tell me,” Will said firmly. “It’s just work,” Jay tried even though he knew it was a pointless answer. “Work, what work? Because the last time I checked you’re still on disability pension,” Will replied with squinted eyes. Jay sighed and tried to find a way to explain without revealing anything. “It’s just a consultation. Nothing more. Okay? You don’t need to worry,” Jay tried again. “Consultation for who? Voight?” Will kept pressing. Jay sighed but decided to take the opportunity. “Yeah. Sure. He has been asking me to come back. Not full time, not even as a cop. Civilian consultant,” Jay spoke carefully. He wasn’t technically lying. Hank had asked him to return. Knowing the truth wouldn’t do any good to Will. “Then why didn’t you tell me right away? Why all the secrecy and lies?” Will was skeptical, he had a hard time believing that Jay would be able to return to the 21st precinct as a civilian and not a police officer. Think, Jay. “Um, because it’s not official yet. This was urgent and I didn’t want to compromise things for Voight,” Jay came up with. It worried him how easily the lie came to him. “If I call Voight right now is he going to back your story?” Will just wouldn’t let it go. Keep it together, Halstead. “Yes,” Jay said sharply and stared at his brother. Will’s hand went to the pocket of his jeans. He took out his phone, and opened the contacts list. Jay clenched his jaw, and kept staring at him, as if to say “try me”. Will scrolled down until he reached Voight’s name. His index finger hovered above the screen, just out of reach. And then he locked the screen. “Okay, Jay. I believe you,” Will finally backed down and put his phone away. Jay sighed in relief when Will wasn’t looking. That was close, too close. “Well, I’m heading back in. Natalie usually makes a cup of coffee around now,” Will said and stood up. “You coming, Jay?” The younger brother shook his head no. “In a bit. I just want to sit here a while longer. Be there in a few minutes,” Jay replied as casually as possible. Will nodded and left Jay alone. 

As soon as Will was out of sight, Jay took his phone and opened the newest messages. They were indeed from the group chat. And from Green of all people? ‘Hey Halstead. Sorry to bother you. I know you’re still in Seattle. But we made some progress in the last two days. We have a timeline established. August 28th. Buy your ticket. One way ticket should do the trick. Be in touch.’ Jay read the message twice. Checked the date. August 28th was barely a month away. But it was long enough to get his affairs in order. He typed out a reply. ‘I’ll ought to rip you a new one, you chose the worst time to message. My brother is definitely onto me. But I can’t tell him. I marked down the date. Wonder if my insurance will cover the ticket. Could mark it down as mental health improvement vacation.’ Jay wasn’t looking forward to paying the ticket prices but he’d make it work. Green’s reply was almost instant. ‘This does count as mental health trip. Trust me. Alright, I’ll fill you in tomorrow or the day after. Text back when you’re ready to talk.’ Jay sent a thumbs up emoji back as a reply and shut his phone. As an afterthought he unlocked the screen again and messaged Hank. ‘If Will calls you, can you say I’m working on a consultation gig for you. Urgent, hush hush that couldn’t wait for official channels. I owe you.’ After pressing ‘send’ Jay put his phone away again. How long can he keep this up? Lying to the people closest to him… Jay only needed to glance at his prosthetic leg to find the answer. He’ll lie for as long as it takes. He stood up and promptly walked to the house to join Natalie and Will, presumably for coffee. 

Soon it was Jay’s time to return back to Chicago. He figured domestic flights were the best time to experiment with different options as an amputee who uses prosthetics, so this time he would be wearing his leg for the flight. He’d done the same preparation as last time; called ahead, booked an extra seat… He was honestly almost looking forward to it. He needed to see how it was, if things went well then he would wear it again for his Bolivia flight. He made up a different reason for when Will made a comment about it. “I thought you said it was simpler to fly with no prosthetic?” Will had asked when Jay appeared from the guest room with packed bags and wearing his leg. “Oh. I just want to see how it is. Last time the TSA agents were decent enough, I figured I’d try it like this too,” Jay had shrugged and it was honestly a reasonable explanation, and Will didn’t think to question it. Jay put down his bag and crutches to grab a note from his pocket. He handed it to Will. “It’s the bread roll and garlic recipe. It’s nothing complicated, you can probably find half a dozen ones online. But that’s how I made them,” Jay explained with a shy smile. He had labeled the recipe as ‘Uncle Jay’s garlic bread rolls’. “For when you make them with my nephew or niece,” Jay added. Will had an odd feeling growing inside of him that he couldn’t quite understand. “You can teach them when you come and visit,” Will said and put the note on one of the side tables in the hall. Will thought Jay made a face, but it was gone before he was able to identify it. “We should go, Natalie’s already in the car. Don’t want to keep her waiting,” Jay said with a small voice. Will picked up Jay’s crutches while Jay carried the bags. Will walked ahead, leading Jay to the car. The younger Halstead trailed behind, no rush in his step. He did his best to memorize the entrance, the little porch and the beautiful flowerbeds. Will opened the trunk and waited for Jay. Jay took one last glance at the house before turning to the car. He placed his bags in carefully and rounded the car to take a seat in the back, behind Natalie. Will pulled the trunk’s door shut and hopped behind the wheel. “Ready to go?” he asked no one in particular as he turned on the engine. “Ready,” Jay sighed softly and leaned back in his seat. He really wished he could return here one day. To meet his niece, see how large the koi fish have gotten. Drag Will out for a morning run before the sunrise, bake with fresh garlic from the garden. Maybe luck would be on his side. 

“I’ll text you when I land,” Jay promised as he hugged Will. The trio was saying their goodbyes outside the airport. “And text when you’re through the security too. I’m nervous for you,” Natalie said with teary eyes. Jay chuckled and hugged her too. “I will. Shouldn’t take too long, I called ahead,” Jay replied. He was getting a little emotional as well, and he had no pregnancy hormones to use as an excuse. “Well, this is it. I better get going,” Jay sniffled a bit, and ended the hug. Will had picked up Jay’s backs and was holding them for him. Jay took the prosthetics bag first, and put it on his back. He then swung the duffel over his shoulder, and lastly he grabbed his crutches. He didn’t really need them with him wearing the leg, but using them was the easy way to carry them in crowds. “Have a safe flight!” Natalie wished and stepped closer to Will, who took the hint and wrapped an arm around her. “Text Nat, I’m probably still driving when you're through security,” Will added. The weird feeling from earlier was back. Will wasn’t even sure that it had ever left. Something was off. “I will. Thanks again for having me. I really appreciate everything. Goodbye, Will,” Jay said sincerely and walked off. Will and Natalie watched him go through the doors and disappear into the crowd. 

“You’re unusually quiet there,” Natalie said to Will after they had been driving for a while, and Will hadn’t said a thing. Which was highly unusual, Will was the kind of driver who would constantly comment on other people’s driving. “I forgot the football,” Will replied quietly. Natalie raised her brows. “Football, really? God, you're such a man. What are they even playing in July?” she muttered under her breath. “What, no. I forgot to show Jay the football. I went to our family’s old storage unit in Chicago when I visited him. I was going to show him his old football that our mom had kept. But I forgot to show it to him,” Will replied with sadness. “I’m sure Jay doesn’t mind. You can show him when he comes next time,” Natalie tried, but Will shook his head. “You don’t understand. He was acting strange. Like this was goodbye,” Will countered. “Will, this was goodbye,” Natalie said, confused. “He said it like this was the goodbye. The last goodbye, like he knows something we don’t,” Will insisted. “I mean, he was a bit more sentimental the last two days. Maybe he was just feeling sad to be apart from you, or us. He seemed to really enjoy his time here. He helped me plan the extension to my garden, he was so passionate about it,” Natalie said thoughtfully. Will nodded along. “See? Does that sound like the Jay we know? No. Something’s wrong, I just know it,” Will was getting agitated by the whole situation. He never should have let Jay go. “I think I’ll call Voight when we get back home. Jay said he was doing some sort of consultation work for him,” Will decided. Natalie signed, but didn’t start arguing against it. “Call him now if it’s troubling you so much. Your phone’s connected to the car, right?” Natalie offered. Will gave her a quick smile. “You’re a genius, you know that right?” he said and used the buttons on the wheel to make a call. Finding Hank’s contact information took a while since Will couldn’t remember ever calling him, but eventually he found it and pressed call. 

— — 

Hank Voight was working overtime, Saturdays weren’t as much fun for him at the moment since Jay wasn’t back from Seattle yet. He found it too quiet in the apartment without the younger man, so he had offered to work an extra shift to catch up on paperwork and other errands. It was getting late, and he should probably get ready to leave home soon if he wanted to catch some shuteye before picking Jay up from the airport. His thoughts were interrupted by a ringing phone. His phone. He picked it up without checking the caller’s ID. “Voight,” he answered. “Hi Voight, it’s Will. Will Halstead,” came a voice from the other end of the line. Odd. Why would Will be calling him? “What can I do for you Will?” Hank asked as he leaned back in his chair, stretching his back. “I was just calling to confirm something. Jay said that he was working on something for you?” Will’s poor attempt to sound casual wasn’t unnoticed by the sergeant. Hank remembered the text message he had gotten from Jay earlier. The one where Jay asked him to lie for him. “Sure. What about it?” Hank responded after a moment of silence. His voice stayed flat and neutral, impossible to analyze. “So he wasn’t lying to me about consultations, and you’re not lying to me right now?” Will asked suspiciously. Hank could basically see the hesitation in the other man’s voice. That’s how painfully obvious it was. “That’s right. I asked him to check something for me,” Hank continued, and waited for Will. “Okay then. Sorry for bothering you. I just had a feeling that something was wrong, like he was in some kind of trouble or something. Well, that’s all I wanted to talk about. Thanks, Voight. Bye.” Will ended the call before Hank could say another word. Not that he had anything to add. Voight wasn’t a stranger to lies and misconception, but he didn’t like to be kept in the dark. And right now, Jay had some serious explaining to do. Hank sighed and rubbed his temple. He almost stood up to go to the bullpen and ask the team if they knew what was going on. But Hank was the only one working extra hours. Not even Hailey had been interested when he’d offered. Unable to go back to writing reports, Hank turned off his computer, gathered his things and left his office to go home. 

— —

Jay’s flight would be landing soon. He was thankful for past Jay for booking the extra seat as the flight was packed full, and Jay appreciated having a little more personal space. Jay had the middle and window seats for him, and the aisle seat was taken by an older gentleman in a business suit. His attention had been fully on his laptop the entire time, so Jay got to be in peace. Until they had about 25 minutes left in the flight. 

The man in the suit shut his laptop with a loud clack, and eyed the empty middle seat. Jay had occasionally rested sideways on his two seats, but at the moment he was sitting normally on the window seat. “What’s the deal with the seat?” suit man asked. Jay lifted his head from the book he was reading and looked at the man. “I’m sorry?” Jay asked. “No I was just curious about why you booked an extra seat. Not that I mind at all. In fact I find it very nice. Helps me focus on work, even if I’m stuck on the aisle seat,” the man explained quickly. The knot in Jay’s stomach eased a little, suit man didn’t seem hostile or upset. “Oh. Umm, I just appreciate the extra space I get for myself. I don’t really like being all huddled together, you know?” Jay answered truthfully. “Oh don’t I know it. Name’s Eaton, Kenny Eaton,” the man introduced himself and offered Jay his hand. Jay took it and shook the man’s hand. “Halstead,” he replied with a small smile. “Where you flying to, Halstead?” Eaton inquired. Jay placed the bookmark between the pages he was currently on and closed the book. “Home, Chicago. Visited my brother who lives in Seattle,” Jay replied. Kenny nodded and hummed. “What a coincidence, me too! Well, I had a conference in Seattle but I did see my brother as well. But now it’s back home to Chicago and to work,” the older man explained. “Oh yeah, what sort of work do you do?” Jay asked and shifted in his seat to sit more towards him. “I have my own private security firm,” Kenny replied and fished a business card from his suit pocket, and offered it to Jay. “Oh yeah, how’d you get into that?” Jay asked as he read through the card. The company name didn’t ring a bell for him. “After I got discharged from the military I had all these skills but nowhere to use them, you know? I wasn’t exactly mall cop material so I decided to make my own path,” Kenny explained. “Gulf war. Got my pelvis shattered, have an artificial hip. Not a model soldier to them after that.” Jay stayed silent. Kenny’s story hit a bit too close to home. “I hear you, man. You have no idea...” Jay eventually muttered. “SEALs?” Kenny guessed. “Rangers, 75th,” Jay corrected. Kenny nodded his head. “That explains it. I myself got my first and last taste of war with the 82nd Airborne Division. Gulf War. A lot of good that did for me, eh? Well, you work with what you have and build something for yourself. Ain’t that right, Halstead?” Kenny concluded. Jay could only nod in agreement. Jay twisted Kenny’s business card between his fingers, and it didn’t go unnoticed by Kenny. “You working currently?” he asked Jay, who shook his head. “Still on disability pension. Temporary though, I can apply to get it reversed if I can prove I’m fit enough to work,” Jay answered and shared a bit about his situation. “Well, Halstead, my company could always use a Ranger in our midst. You have my card, why don’t you think about it? We offer a wide variety of job opportunities, and I’m sure you would be a great asset. We’re looking to expand actually, our domestic clients are starting to spread their wings abroad. If you want to talk about it more, you know how to reach me,” Kenny suggested. “You know what, Kenny? I might just take you up on that offer,” Jay replied after a moment of thinking. Jay reached for his bag, and pulled out an old receipt. He turned it over, grabbed a pen and wrote on the blank side. “Here, that’s my number and email. I’m working on something for… myself in August but I would love to hear more if things go smoothly for me,” Jay said and handed Kenny the receipt. Kenny chuckled as he accepted it. “Okay, Jay Halstead. But we need to get you a better card than this receipt from… Dominos, really?” Kenny quipped and Jay laughed a little. “If you don’t mind me asking, what are you working on?” Kenny asked after a moment. Jay sighed and looked out the window. “Justice for myself and my old unit,” he replied determinedly. His hand went to his left knee unconsciously, and Kenny noticed. “Well, from one soldier to another. If there’s anything you need, you know how to contact me,” Kenny said firmly and reached over to squeeze Jay’s shoulder. Jay gave him a firm nod. “Thank you, Kenny. That means a lot.” 

Kenny and Jay didn’t talk about it more. The captain announced that they’d start landing in a few moments, and both of the ex soldiers pulled back into their own worlds. Kenny was thinking about his company and the expansion abroad, and Jay was thinking about Hailey. How excited he was to see her again. He’d have to find a casual way to hang out with her. Maybe a coffee and catch up. At her place though, Jay didn’t want a repeat of last time with Hank interrupting them. Jay shook his head at the memory. Hank. Hopefully he’d be already at the airport waiting when Jay arrived. He just wanted to get home, shower and hit the hay. 

— —

Hank stood at the gate and checked his watch. Jay’s flight landed about half an hour ago, and since he didn’t have any baggage to pick up, he should be here any minute now. Hank hadn’t managed any rest earlier, he was too worked up trying to figure out what Will’s call was about. As far as he knew, Jay didn’t run with the wrong crowds or do any shady business with the wrong people. But then again, there was a lot Hank apparently didn’t know. Like how Jay had ended up sharing an apartment with the murderer from a few months ago. Jay had never shared the details of that arrangement despite the team’s multiple attempts to find out. So yeah, maybe Jay was in more trouble than any of them could guess. Hank would get to the bottom of it soon. If not tonight, then tomorrow. 

Hank saw him first. He spotted Jay in the crowd, bags over his shoulder, crutches tucked under his arm. What caught Hank’s attention more was the man next to Jay. The two seemed to be in deep conversation, walking side by side, arms almost brushing against each other’s. The man was older than Jay, maybe around Hank’s age. He had a tailored suit on, a well groomed hairstyle and facial hair from what Hank could make out from so far away. There was something similar in the way they walked, Jay and the stranger. With perfect posture, determination in their steps. Military, they’re both soldiers, Hank’s realized. It had been a long time since Hank had seen Jay with such… pride in himself. The way Jay carried himself was different. Hank didn’t get to analyze them any longer as Jay finally noticed him. Jay slowed down to a stop, just out of Hank’s earshot. The older man stopped too, and they exchanged words. Then Jay offered him his hand and they shook hands. The older man patted Jay on the back before walking away. Jay started walking as well, and came over to Hank. “Hi. Thanks for picking me up,” Jay said casually as if the encounter with the man hadn’t happened. Hank huffed and nodded his head once. “Who’s your friend?” Hank said as he started walking to the exit, no reason to stick around any longer and pay more for parking than necessary. “Oh, him? We sat next to each other on the flight,” Jay answered but didn’t explain further. Hank huffed again, displeased by the lack of information. “You just met him”? he questioned. Jay nodded, said nothing. Hank was running out of polite ways to inquire about the man. “Let’s just go home, I’m beat,” Jay said quietly before Hank could ask another question. “Sure, kid,” Hank agreed and let it drop for now. Tomorrow was a Sunday, so neither of them had anywhere to be. The sergeant would have plenty of time to continue his interrogation. 

Chapter Text

Voight had two choices. Either he let Jay head straight to bed once he finished with the shower he was currently taking, or he could corner Jay and ask him straight out to tell what’s going on. Hank from a year ago would have kicked in the bathroom door and dragged Halstead out by the hair if that's what it took to get answers. Truth be told, Hank would still do that now if he really believed it would work. It was Jay that had changed. Hank wasn’t sure this Jay would be able to take it without falling apart. But maybe a slightly gentler approach would work. 

— —

Jay toweled his hair dry, and looked at his reflection in the fogged up mirror above the bathroom sink. He looked better. His cheeks weren’t sunken in, lips weren’t cracked and bleeding, eyes were no longer dull. Such an improvement from earlier this year. Yet he still felt like that broken man who had been cowering in the locked bathroom of some junkie’s apartment. Jay knew Hank was waiting for him on the other side of the locked bathroom door. Jay hadn’t missed how Hank was dying to figure out what was going on with him. But Jay couldn’t tell. If Hank knew then he would never allow it. Never let Jay leave for Bolivia next month. Or worse, Hank would want to come with him. No, this was his business. His and his team’s. His brothers. Not Hank’s. 

Jay sighed and wiped the condensated water droplets from the surface of the mirror with his hand. His reflection became clearer. He didn’t look that good anymore. He had dark circles under his eyes, nothing major yet, but Jay had a feeling that would change soon. He needed to shave, and maybe get his hair cut too. Maybe he’d find a barbershop somewhere near Med, he had a therapy session on Monday, he could go after. Get tidied up a bit. But alas, today wasn’t a therapy day. It was Saturday, or was it already past midnight? Well, it wasn’t Monday that’s for sure. And Jay couldn’t keep hiding in the bathroom, not this time. He wrapped a towel around his waist, grabbed his crutches and went to the door. At least Hank wasn’t pacing around anymore, his steps weren’t to be heard. Happy thoughts, Halstead. Happy thoughts, Jay thought to himself and unlocked the door. 

Hank might as well have set up barricades right outside the bathroom. Jay nearly ran into him as he opened the bathroom door. Hank was sitting on a kitchen chair that he had moved just outside the bathroom. He had his arms crossed and a worried frown on his face. “Jesus! What the hell?” Jay exclaimed and had to steady himself on the crutches. Hank lifted his brows a little at the sight of Jay; half naked, only covered by the towel around him. It was unusual, to be fair. Jay always got fully dressed in the bathroom after showering. “You’re lucky this damn towel has a velcro strap on the waist. Fucking creepy,” Jay muttered and forced himself past Hank, which wasn’t an easy task considering Hank had positioned himself perfectly; he had a wall to his right and the couch on his left side. “We need to talk,” Hank ignored Jay’s comments and got up from his seat to follow Jay. The younger man threw his head back in mocking laughter. “You’re kidding, right? I just flew halfway across the country, I’m achy and tired from the trip and I haven’t even finished drying myself after the shower. I need to sleep, not talk with you,” Jay replied with an attitude. He was in no mood to entertain Hank right now. Sure, he eventually needed to tell him something. But in the middle of the night? Not happening. Jay reached his room and slammed the door shut behind him. “Voight, I swear to god you better stay out there. I’m getting dressed and don’t need your grumpy ass here,” Jay half shouted through the door. “You have three minutes,” Hank grumbled back. Huh? “Seriously, what the hell is your problem? I’m not doing this with you right now,” Jay’s frustration levels were building up at a rapid pace. “Two and a half minutes. Better hurry up and get your clothes on,” Hank replied curtly. “You’re not my boss anymore, you don’t get to order me around anymore,” Jay spat back. He hadn’t made any moves to get dressed yet. Voight wouldn’t bully him, not anymore. “Kid, you’re living under my roof now so that gives me the right. One and a half minutes,” Hank’s reply was laced with… anger? Why was he angry? Also, “kid?” Did he really just say that..? “Jesus, leave me alone already! You’re not my fucking dad so stop talking to me like that. My dad’s dead, and I don’t need another bully as one,” Jay’s frustration boiled over and he didn’t hold back. “I may have your dead son’s room but I am not him. You hear me, I’m not Justin.” CRACK. The door to Jay’s room flew open, the doorframe breaking apart. Hank just kicked in his door. 

“Out. Pack your shit and get out,” Hank growled. His whole body was tense, expression emotionless. But his eyes showed the truth, pure hatred and anger. Jay, still in his towel, turned around to face Hank and the destroyed door. Shit. Jay didn’t mean it. All the fight and anger in him drained away. “Hank, I -,” Jay tried carefully but Hank took two quick steps toward him. “I don’t want to hear it, boy. Grab your shit and go,” Hank ordered, each word dripping with disgust. He strode off without another word. Jay heard a door bang shut, presumably Hank’s bedroom or office. 

Jay didn’t understand what just happened. One minute he just wanted to get some rest, and the next he had been kicked out to the streets. He managed to stumble to his bed and take a seat. He could feel himself slipping away. He tried to fight the sensation but couldn’t. His body started shivering, not just from the cool air and lack of clothes. He blinked rapidly, trying desperately to clear his vision. But the surroundings kept getting blurrier and blurrier. He heard his own heartbeat in his ears, blood rushing in his skull. He screwed his eyes shut. 

“I don’t want to hear it, boy! Answer me! Where is the rest of your unit located?!” a middle aged latino man screamed in front of Jay, his spit landing on Jay’s face. Jay blinked slowly, trying to bring the man’s face into focus. He was so tired. “I don’t know what your- what you’re talking about,” Jay managed to mutter. His tongue felt heavy, words barely passing through his lips. Why couldn’t they just stop? Jay wasn’t sure what day it was. Maybe day fifteen. Or twenty-two. His breathing was hitched, his ribs and chest felt like they were on fire. “I’m going to ask you one more time, boy. Tell me. Where. Is. The. Rest. Of. Your. Unit,” the man spat on Jay as each word passed his lips. But Jay clenched his jaw and shook his head. “I don’t know,” he muttered and blinked heavily. He was so, so tired. His arms shook violently from being tied above his head for so long. If they kept his up for much longer, his shoulders would likely pop out of their sockets soon. Thump. A fist collided with Jay’s lower abdomen. Jay bit his tongue to swallow the scream that tried to escape his lips. He wouldn’t give them the satisfaction. The taste of iron filled his mouth once again. His eyes slipped shut, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t open them again. 

— —

Hank was fuming. He paced around in his office, fighting the urge to smash the room into pieces. Halstead had some balls. Or a death wish. Hank was sure that if he saw him again any time soon, he might actually strangle him. What the hell happened… How did it all go wrong so quickly? All he wanted to do was to figure out what was going on with Jay. But bringing Justin into this? Fucking Halstead, he definitely had a death wish. Hank slowed his pace as his eyes went to a photograph on his desk. He walked over and picked up the frame. It was him and Justin. He couldn’t even remember when it was taken. Must have been wintertime based on their clothes. But Hank couldn’t remember. He collapsed into his office chair and clutched the framed photograph against his chest. How did he not remember, his own son? Justin looked old in the photo, not a kid or a teenager. Maybe a couple years younger than he was when he… when he’d died. He couldn’t even remember who had taken the picture. Hank’s eyes closed and he tried to slow down his breathing. When his eyes opened the next time, Halstead better be gone. 

— —

“Boy. You give me no other choice,” the latino man spoke again. His accent was thick, Jay could barely understand him. Or maybe he was just too tired to follow his speech anymore. Jay felt himself being lowered, the chains holding him up were being loosened. He forced himself to open his eyes. The room was still darkly lit, but Jay could make out three other men who hadn’t been there before. Sniff, sniff. Is that, is something burning? What’s going on? Jay tried to turn his head to find the source of the putrid smell but he got a fist to his jaw before he managed. “Now, now, boy. Stay patient. I have a surprise for you. I promised I would not continue being fair if you keep giving me nothing. And I am running out of patience,” the man said with amusement. Sick bastard. Jay couldn’t stop a pained moan from escaping his lips when his feet touched the ground as he was lowered down. His vision did somersaults, and he saw stars. Pain shot through his broken leg, his stomach lurched, and he tasted acid in his mouth. He breathed slowly and swallowed multiple times to stop himself from vomiting all over himself. Two men grabbed him by the arms and dragged him towards a chair. Jay whimpered and felt tears forming in his eyes as the movement caused unbearable pain in his leg. His head hung down, and he saw a glimpse of his left leg. He wished he hadn’t. It had to be bone. Sticking out of his leg. In two different places. He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. He just wanted to go home. See Hailey again. 

Jay startled awake when someone slapped his face. One of the goons, probably. Jay was now somewhat seated on a wooden chair, leaning heavily against the backrest. The burning smell was stronger. “Your final opportunity, boy. Where are your men?” the man in charge asked. Jay raised his head to look at the man. Jay blinked in confusion as he noticed thick leather gloves on the man. What’s going on? A steel bucket had appeared from somewhere, and it was standing innocently next to the man. Sniff, sniff. The smell was coming from the bucket. Is that smoke? The bucket is smoking. What the hell. “There are no others. I’m alone,” Jay forced through gritted teeth. The other man shook his head in dissatisfaction. “Very well, boy. Remember, I tried to help you. You did this to yourself,” the man’s voice was calm, steady. Too calm. He picked up the bucket and approached Jay. Panic started building up in him, adrenaline pumping through his veins. But before he could do anything, the man tipped the bucket and its contents slowly poured onto Jay’s left leg. Jay’s screams nearly made his ears ring. 

— —

Hank opened his eyes when he heard a scream. The type of scream an animal being slaughtered would make. What the hell? Jay. Hank stumbled on his feet, frame falling to the floor. The glass shattered, but Hank didn’t notice. He bursted out of the office and looked around. The apartment seemed undisturbed. But then he heard it again. Blood draining scream from Jay’s room. Hank sprinted down the hall and entered the room, no door to block him anymore. 

Jay was stuffed between his couch and one of the bookshelves. He had his knees against his chest, and head pressed down. His shaking arms were hugging his legs. His sobs made his entire body shake. Hank stood petrified; he had no idea what to do. 

— — 

“Tssk, tssk, boy. Should have listened to me. Didn’t your father teach you any manners? Think about my question, sit on it. I’ll give you some time, you’re in no rush to go anywhere now, are you boy?” the latino man cackled as he dropped the now empty bucket. Him and the three others exited the room, although Jay didn’t notice. He felt like he was on fire, his skin was melting. He had tried wiping it away from his leg but it had only burned through the skin of his left hand too. His screams and sobs quieted as he finally blacked out from pain and shock. ‘I’m sorry, Hailey,’ was his last conscious thought. 

Jay shot up when something touched him. His eyes were wild as they scanned around the room. What? This isn’t the basement. Jay looked down and noticed a pillow at his feet. Someone threw a pillow at him? Hank. Jay’s head shot up, and there he was. Hank. Just standing there. Jay blinked rapidly and did a mental evaluation of himself. No new injuries, slightly labored breathing and elevated heart rate. Where are his clothes? Oh, right. The shower. He was still in his towel. Oh. Hank had asked, told him to get out. “I just - give me a little more time and I’ll go. I’m sorry,” Jay stuttered and stumbled over to the bed. His crutches were scattered across the room. Sitting down had barely helped, Jay was still shivering and he felt lightheaded, cold, exhausted. “I just, I need to get dressed I promise I’ll go right after,” Jay muttered and avoided Hank’s face. “Jay,” Hank spoke softly. “I’m sorry, I know you gave me plenty of time but I just need a little more,” Jay replied, oblivious to Hank’s attempts to calm him down. “Jay,” Hank said a bit more firmly and stepped closer. Jay flinched violently and brought his arms up, ready to shield himself. “Please just a little more time. I’m so sorry,” he mumbled frantically. “Halstead!” Hank raised his voice and showed Jay his empty arms as a gesture to show he wasn’t hostile. Jay finally seemed to understand as he blinked a few times. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and lowered his head. Hank moved slowly to avoid startling Jay again. He gently lowered himself to the bed next to Jay. “It’s okay,” Hank said softly and studied Jay. He was still shaking but seemed to have started calming down otherwise. Hank reached for a blanket and very carefully wrapped it around Jay’s shoulders. The younger man welcomed it immediately, grabbing it and adjusting it around himself better.  

“We need to talk,” Hank said softly when Jay had finally stopped shaking. Jay shifted uncomfortably but didn’t argue. “You don’t need to go. Not tonight,” Hank started. He wasn’t sure how he should handle the situation. “I want to make one thing perfectly clear though. Don’t ever use my son against me like that again. Or you and I will have a permanent problem,” Hank emphasized each word to make sure Jay got the message loud and clear. Jay nodded to show he heard, but still didn’t say anything. Hank gave Jay a minute in case he wanted to say something. But he stayed silent. “What’s going on, Jay?” Hank asked slowly. Jay shifted again and stuck his left hand out from under the blanket. Jay lay the hand palm side up on his lap, his thumb stroking the scarred skin. “I’m not a boy,” Jay spoke softly, Hank barely heard him. “Okay,” Hank replied carefully, unsure where this was going. “I didn’t want to ignore you earlier. Or him. I was just so tired, I couldn’t,” Jay continued. “Who do you mean?” Hank asked, he still wasn’t following. “You called me boy. Earlier. He used to call me that too,” Jay’s voice shook just a little. Seriously, Hank was so lost. “Who, your father?” Hank guessed, and Jay scoffed. Okay, not him then. “Alberto Mendoza . The man who did… made me like… this,” Jay gestured at his residual limb. Alarm bells were ringing in Hank’s head. “I thought you said you didn’t know his name,” Hank immediately questioned. Jay shrugged. “I lied. I didn’t want you or the rest of the unit to go looking for him,” Jay’s nonchalant voice worried Hank. “You’re saying that he’s not dead or rotting in a cell somewhere?” Jay shook his head. “No. They were too busy saving my ass to capture them,” Jay revealed. It took all of Hank’s willpower to remain mostly calm. “Is that what’s going on, you know where he is?” Hank asked. Jay considered how to answer, lie or truth? “I don’t know. At least not yet,” Jay decided to answer. It wasn’t even a lie, Green hadn’t told Jay much yet. “And the guy at the airport, the one in a suit?” Hank inquired, and Jay managed a small smile. Hank, always the detective making connections and following every clue. “I told you before. He sat next to me on the flight,” Jay replied but Hank wasn’t pleased. “You seemed like you knew him,” the older man pressed. “Oh. We just talked, he kind of offered me a job. And his help too. But I hadn’t met him before,” Jay explained and hoped Hank would be satisfied. “Is he the one helping you with Mendoza?” Hank asked. “No, I told you I don’t know him. It’s my old unit, they’re the ones helping me. Except I didn’t ask for it. I moved on. But they can’t. And now I can’t move on either,” Jay shared a bit more information in the hopes that Hank would slow down with the questions. “And your unit, do they know where this Mendoza is now?” Hank asked yet another question. “I guess. Or they have a solid enough lead to get his location. I haven’t been in contact with them recently, I was supposed to text tomorrow to get the details. Can you just, let it go though? I deliberately didn’t want you guys involved. I got this, my guys got this,” Jay said tiredly. He was beat before he even took the shower, and now? He was exhausted. Hank seemed displeased. “One more question. What happened before I came in here?” he asked softly. Jay sighed and ran a hand over his face. “It wasn’t your fault. You just. It was the way you said it, that’s all,” Jay muttered. Hank nodded although he didn’t fully understand. “What exactly did I say?” Hank asked further. Jay’s left hand ran over his left thigh, rubbed circles against the mangled scar tissue. “He used to call me boy. I don’t know why. He knew my name but he preferred boy. Before he, umm, before he burned me, he said the exact same thing you did. It’s not your fault though, you didn’t know,” Jay whispered his words. Hank’s heart ached for him. He didn’t mean to cause Jay so much pain, and it upset him how much of an effect his words had on Jay. “Can you tell me what I said exactly so I can never say it again?” Hank requested carefully. Jay glanced at Hank before answering. “You said ‘I don’t want to hear it, boy’. You caught me so off guard. I never expected to hear those words again. I’d almost even forgotten about them. Didn’t think that would even be possible. Mendoza, he umm. Wanted to know where the rest of my guys were. At that point I’d seen enough to realize that I could never tell him. I had to protect them. So I didn’t answer him. At least my guys were spared,” Jay attempted a casual tone but failed spectacularly. Hank made a mental note of the words and vowed to never utter them out loud again. “I’m proud of you, Jay. You’re right. You’re not a boy. You’re the strongest man I know,” Hank replied honestly and offered Jay a small smile. Jay managed a lopsided grimace that almost resembled a smile. “We can talk more in the morning. Get dressed, get some rest. I’m sorry about the door,” Hank said and stood up. He felt ashamed, the fact that he had damaged Justin’s room like that made him upset. But it could be fixed. “Thanks, Hank. And I’m sorry too. I was out of line before, there’s no excuse. I just. I was so overwhelmed and exhausted from everything that’s been going on. It’s not an excuse but it explains a bit, I hope. I tried to umm, keep it under control but it was just too much. I’m sorry,” Jay stifled a yawn and rubbed his face. “It’s okay. We’ll talk tomorrow. Goodnight, Jay.” “Night, Hank.” 

Chapter Text

Jay didn’t want to get up. He wanted to burrow into his mattress and stay there until the Sun died. A bit dramatic perhaps, but also somewhat justified. Jay knew Hank was already up and waiting for him. Pretty hard to miss with no door to block sound or light. At least the sergeant let him be for now. But his own body was betraying him, he’d needed to use the bathroom for almost two hours now. Jay had put on a brave fight but unfortunately, if you gotta go then you gotta go. Jay made a point to groan and mutter loudly as he threw the duvets and blankets off of him and pushed himself up to a seated position. His crutches were still across the room where he had presumably tossed them last night, he couldn’t remember. In fact, his whole room seemed to be slightly out of order. Fragments of the broken doorframe were scattered across the floor, some of his dirty laundry was also misplaced. And the couch had been pushed to the side a bit. He’d clean it all up later. He hurried to put on his prosthetic and almost sprinted out the room and to the bathroom. 

Hank was waiting for him in the kitchen with a pot full of fresh coffee. “Sit, we need to talk,” Hank said when Jay appeared from the bathroom. Jay checked the clock on the microwave. 11.08. He’d slept for a solid eight hours, and snoozed in bed for another two. And yet he still felt exhausted, so he grabbed the biggest mug from the cupboard and filled it with coffee before taking a seat across from Hank. “Can you promise me something before we start? Don’t tell the team,” Jay requested before Hank managed to say anything. Hank tilted his head to the side and had a slightly amused look on his face. “Is that right? You know they’d want to know,” he commented. It was true. The team, probably even Torres, would want to get involved. But Jay couldn’t have that. “I don’t need to tell you anything. I sent a message to my contact at the assisted living association. I asked if they had any  apartments that would fit my needs. She messaged back with two options, and I agreed to go check them out with her tomorrow after my appointment at Med,” Jay shared, and based on Hank’s look, it wasn’t good news. “I told you. You don’t need to leave,” Hank replied with a frown. No, this couldn’t be happening. He just got Jay back from Seattle. And now he wanted to leave again, permanently? “Hank, this was always the end goal. I’m doing better. I can manage on my own again. I need to stand on my own,” Jay explained his side. “You’re not working, you can’t even drive yet. How would you manage?” Hank questioned. Jay had thought about that too. “All I need is to take a simple course for my insurance and then I can drive again. I get pension from the city, and from the military, plus I have disability benefits. I can pay my own bills. And I can file to get my disability pension removed in September, and the process can be put in motion tomorrow if I wanted. I can go back to work after that,” Jay listed off the things he had put in motion earlier when he was buried under his blankets in bed. “You’re coming back to the 21st?” Hank asked, the hint of hope in his voice didn’t go unnoticed by Jay. “No. I’m probably going to call Kenny. The guy from the airport. I think he and I share a lot of the same stuff,” Jay’s answer disappointed Hank to put it mildly. “Oh, and you and I don't?” he almost scoffed. “Voight, you know why I left. I can’t go back to that same old routine. Kenny has a fresh start for me, if I want it. He’s expanding overseas soon, and he needs help,” Jay replied with a sigh. He knew Hank wouldn’t take the news of his new potential job well. But it still hurt a little to witness his disapproval. “Wait. Overseas? Are you leaving?” Hank backpedaled as his brain struggled to process the information. Jay shrugged honestly and took a gulp from the mug. “We didn’t discuss it in that much detail yet. But he said he’d have use for a Ranger. His exact words. Not an ex ranger. Just a ranger. He doesn’t look at me the same way you and everyone else does,” Jay’s tone was tense, frustrated. “Look at you how?” Hank asked, confused. “Be honest. What do you see when you look at me? Actually no, don’t answer that. Save me the lies. You see an inferior version of the Jay Halstead you used to know. The broken and damaged one. Which is true, I am. You all look at me like I’m fragile and I’ll have a psychotic meltdown any day now. But Kenny? He recognizes my value because he understands. He gets me. None of you do. And you never will. You can pretend and try but you’re never going to know how it feels like. To have that one thing in your life that keeps you going. And then have it taken away. My guys, my unit? I would have died for them. Killed for them. Done anything. And now I sit at home and get my paycheque in the mail every other week while they’re out there getting shot at? You know how much I hate myself for leaving them like that? I’ll never forgive myself,” Jay rambled on, unable to stop once the words started coming. Hank was taken aback by Jay’s sudden burst of words, and had to take a minute to process them.

“You’re right. I don’t get it. I only have the men and women on my team, officers and detectives who follow my orders and go where I tell them to go,” Hank eventually stated, and earned a scoff from Jay. Hank straightened his posture to show Jay he wasn’t done speaking. “And you’re right, I don’t see you the same as you were. Because you’re not, yes it sucks and it’s harsh but for Christ’s sake Jay. You were taken prisoner and tortured for a month. You’d be twisted in the head if that didn’t change you. You say you’ll never forgive yourself for leaving your guys. But what about Upton?” Hank challenged. It was Jay’s turn to be surprised. “What about Hailey? She has nothing to do with this,” Jay defended quickly. Hank was rapidly approaching a tender topic for Jay, and he didn’t like it one bit. “She has everything to do with this. Have you admitted that to yourself? The guilt of abandoning her is eating you up. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can start fixing things. You can try and hide behind the guilt of leaving your unit, but I know you. I see you,” Hank spoke calmly and truthfully. Jay looked at the now cold coffee in the mug. Hank was in his head, and he didn’t like it. “I still won’t let you tell the team. Either you promise that whatever I tell you stays between us, or I tell you nothing. You can bully me, threaten me or kick me out. I don’t care,” Jay said and avoided the topic of Hailey for now, and brought the conversation back to where it started. Hank leaned back in his chair, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Fine. I won’t tell them. It’s need to know only, and they don’t need to know. Right?” Hank agreed, and Jay nodded. “I’ll text Green then. Ask for an update.” 

Forty minutes later, Jay locked the screen of his phone and put it face down on the table. “And now you know as much as I do,” he sighed and looked up at Hank. Green and some of his team had been available for a video call, so the group had gone through the intel on Mendoza. Hank had mostly just listened, and focused more on the way Jay interacted with his unit. It had been a pleasure to witness how much more lively and passionate Jay became around them, but it also worried Hank. 

“It’s a bad call. You going there,” Hank aired his thoughts after considering the plan from multiple points of view and approaches. And every scenario that Hank ran in his head ended badly. “And once again we come back to my original point. You don’t need to get involved,” Jay replied curtly. Hank sighed and tried to find a way to explain his opinion. “There’s too many variables, too many unknowns and missing information. You can’t possibly think that this would work,” Hank tried to make him understand why the mission was doomed to fail from the start. “That’s where you’re wrong. We’re not talking about Chicago and police officers here. It’s a military operation, with tier one operators. You don’t know how we’re trained to operate. This is just another Tuesday for my guys,” Jay countered, “You have to stop thinking within your box. There is no box in Bolivia. There’s a cage that will eat you alive if you don’t chew through the bars first. And that’s why you and the rest of the intelligence can’t get involved.” Hank rubbed his chin at Jay’s words. He had to admit, Green’s plan and tactics were out of his ballpark. The soldier hadn’t even gone to specific details, and yet Hank still realized he wasn’t qualified to play along. “There’s nothing for you to do there though. You don’t have to go,” Hank tried again. Jay grabbed his coffee mug and stood up with a sigh. “Why not? You wouldn’t say that to me if I still had two legs,” Jay argued as he walked over to the sink to rinse his mug. Hank’s brows furrowed. “Jay. You don’t have two legs anymore,” he replied softly. There was no use in pretending otherwise. Jay wasn’t the same as he had been, no matter how hard you wanted to think otherwise. “Gee, thanks. I hadn’t noticed,” Jay replied sarcastically. “Don’t sass me. That doesn’t change the fact that you do not have the same ability to operate as you did last year,” Hank said a bit more harshly than he meant. Jay closed the tap with a swift smack, and turned to face Hank. “I don’t need this from you. You have no idea how hard I’ve been working to get back out there. I may not be the same as I was but I’m still ten times better than your average line soldier. Besides, you heard Green. The plan isn’t for me to be part of the strike force,” Jay forced the words out through gritted teeth. “And what if shit goes sideways? What then, are you going to sit on your ass while your men need your help, hm?” Hank stood up and took a step towards Jay. “I don’t need to hear your lies either. Because if you try and tell me that you wouldn’t engage if your men needed you then you’re full of shit, Halstead.” Jay closed the distance between them, fire in his eyes. “You’re damn right I would help them! I’d already be there if it was up to me. They don’t want me there yet. So. I’m going to follow our plan and proceed as agreed unless something changes,” Jay was determined, and there was nothing Hank could say to him that would make him change his mind about going. “And what are you going to say to your brother, or Hailey, hm?” Hank’s words were like a ball of wet paper towels smashing into Jay’s face. Hailey. “I don’t know! But that’s not your problem,” Jay deflected and took a few steps back. He didn’t need this, not now. “It is my problem, you made it my problem when you asked me to lie for you. Will called me before I picked you up from the airport. I won’t keep doing that forever,” Hank declared firmly. “Oh, so now you have a problem with lies? That’s such bullshit, and you know it,” Jay spat back frustrated. “Don’t start with me. You knew you’d have to explain something to them eventually. So, what’s your plan, hm?” Hank questioned. “That’s need to know. And you don’t need to know,” Jay quipped and stormed off. Damn it, Halstead, Hank thought. Al would know what to do. He always knew. Hank missed him a lot these days. The sergeant sighed heavily and returned to his seat at the table. 

‘Your sergeant seems fun. Did you see the way he was eyeing me the whole time? Like I’m some scum at the bottom of his shoe.’ Green had typed in the group chat. Jay chuckled at the comparison and wrote a reply. ‘Yeah he tried to rip me a new one. Says our plan is shit, set to fail. I gave him some… food for thought about Bolivia, boxes and cages.’ The metaphor wasn’t Jay’s originally, but their captain’s. Jay waited for the three dots on the bottom left side of his phone screen to turn into a message. ‘A classic from Kingsley, good choice. You’re not considering his suggestion though, are you? We still need you here. And you need to be here for the finale.’ Jay smiled and shook his head. He was almost offended that Green doubted his devotion. Jay wrote a short reply and tossed his phone on his bed. ‘I promised I’d be there. Mendoza and I have some unfinished business.’ 

— —

Jay and Hank avoided each other for the rest of the day, and when Jay woke up on Monday morning, Hank had already left for work. Jay had his therapy appointment at nine, and at eleven he’d meet up with a representative from the Assisted living association to check out two apartments. Jay had decided that if one of the apartments was at least half decent then he’d take it. He and Hank were drifting apart rapidly, and for everyone’s well being it was best if Jay moved out. 

“Morning, Jay. It’s good to see you again. How was the visit with your brother?” Molly Fischer, Jay’s therapist asked once Jay had gotten settled in her office. Jay normally had two appointments a week with her, but thanks to the week-long trip to Seattle, they hadn’t met in a while. “It went okay. I was half expecting the airport security to be a pain in the ass but it was surprisingly okay. I did as you suggested. Flew one way with no leg and then back with the leg on. It was good. Now I can use the gained experience to make better decisions next month,” Jay explained and Fischer made some notes. “Oh? What’s happening next month, are you flying again somewhere?” she asked curiously. Jay nodded. He had learned to be fully honest with her over the past few months they’d worked together. “Bolivia. We have a lead on, umm, Mendoza. My… friendly Bolivian host,” Jay replied with a half hearted smile. Fischer made a face at the revelation. “And what’s going to be expected of you on this little vacation south?” she asked, matching Jay’s  wordplay. “Things are pretty fluid. Probably sit and observe for the most part. Maybe join the exfil group. Step up if need be,” Jay listed his plan. “I’m not sure if you’re aware but you need to get your disability pension revoked if you want to participate in active operations again. And to achieve that, you’re going to need a statement from me to declare your fit for work. Do you want a statement from me?” Fischer inquired with a pen between her fingers, ready to make a note if needed. “I doubt that would be necessary for this operation, probably off the books if I’m honest. But I would still like to file for the pension to be revoked. How long does an evaluation like that take? I have a certain timeline to stick to,” Jay hadn’t expected the change in topics but his mind went to Kenny Eaton and his security firm. If he wanted to work for Kenny officially then this was a start. “Well, if you think you’re ready then we can do it today,” Fischer suggested and waited for Jay. Uh oh. Jay definitely wasn’t expecting that either. “Umm. Sure. I guess. Can we do it at the later part of this session? I have a couple of things I’d like to share first,” Jay requested shyly. He still wasn’t the best at announcing his emotional needs, but he tried his best. “Of course, Jay. Tell me about what’s on your mind?” 

Jay spent a decent amount of the session talking about becoming a godfather to Will and Natalie’s daughter. While he wasn’t that religious, he still took it pretty seriously, but he had some concerns. Mostly about how his post traumatic stress might affect the relationship with his future niece. “She’ll be a baby, right? And babies cry. They wail and yell and overwhelm you. And that’s one of my triggers, not the biggest or most common one but I definitely feel more agitated when I’m overwhelmed and overstimulated. What if she’s too much for me? She’s just a kid,” Jay had voiced his main concerns with Fischer, and together they worked on a plan to mitigate the issue. 

Jay also mentioned Kenny Eaton and the possibility of working for him. Fischer had been pleased to hear about Jay making friends and opening up about his trauma with a fellow soldier. “I remember in one of our earlier sessions you stated your disinterest in working in the private security sector. Do you think there’s any particular reason why you changed your mind?” she asked Jay. He hadn’t actually thought about the ‘why’ aspect before. “I just, I think he sees me. The real me, you know? My old boss, Voight, and the rest of his unit, they just see the broken version of the old me. And I guess I didn’t think that anyone would hire me like this. But Kenny proved otherwise in less than half an hour of meeting me,” Jay thought out loud, and Fischer seemed pleased. 

In the name of transparency, Jay also brought up the conversation he had with Will, about Jay and his attempt to end his life. Jay almost didn’t bring it up as he didn’t want it to damage his chances of getting a positive statement about his mental health. “I don’t know if you remember, but I was there that day,” Fischer commented after she and Jay had talked about the subject for a while. Jay shook his head no. “To be honest I barely remember a thing. I guess that’s good. I was fucked in the head back then, more than I currently am anyways,” Jay mumbled and avoided her gaze. “It’s been a privilege to see you battle your demons and overcome the challenges that life has brought your way. I’m sorry to see how much you’ve had to endure but it’s amazing to see that you’re still here. Tell me, did it bring back many painful memories when you told Will about what happened?” Fischer inquired with her trademark judgment free tone that Jay adored. He’d had a therapist before, multiple in fact. But all of them had a hint of judgment in their voices, and Jay never managed to create a trusting relationship with them. But Fischer was different. “In a sense I guess it did. I just felt bad, thinking about what would have happened to Will, Hailey and everyone else if I hadn’t, umm, failed. Would they have been told eventually? You know, people often say it’s selfish to try and hurt yourself. Because what about the people you’d leave behind? But what about me? What about how I felt? Everyone just always judges and calls you selfish,” Jay muttered. He didn’t - understandably - like talking about the topic, one of his greatest sources of shame. “Did Will? Blame you, call you selfish?” Fischer questioned softly. She always knew what to say, how to say it. “Not really. Probably too shocked, caught off guard for that. Or I don’t know, maybe he did call me selfish, he talked with Natalie when I wasn’t present. So who knows, maybe he blames me for wanting to leave him behind. The last Halstead,” Jay shrugged with sadness. “You didn’t want to leave him behind though. It wasn’t about Will. You were in a tremendous amount of pain, Jay. You weren’t out to hurt the people you love and hold dear,” Fischer reminded him. 

Jay had requested a break in their session soon after that, and he had to step outside to calm down for a bit. He basically thought he blew it then. That there’d be no way doctor Fischer would clear him after that. But when Jay sneaked through the half open door to her office, she was holding a piece of paper in her hands. “Your ability to recognize when you need a break is impressive. Some others might have pressed onward, pushing themselves over their breaking point. But you’ve learned to notice, and more importantly, listen to your boundaries. You worry about getting overwhelmed by things. You just showed me that you can handle it, stop things from getting too much. So, here’s my statement, giving my recommendation that you be cleared to work in any capacity that you deem fit for yourself,” Fischer declared and held the paper for Jay to take. Jay stepped closer but hesitated when his fingers almost touched the paper. “What if I’m not ready though?” he asked quietly. Fischer nudged the paper forward and smiled encouragingly. “Look, Jay. I know you still have things that need to be sorted out, topics we need to talk about more. But getting back to work, creating some normalcy for yourself might be just the thing you need. You need more things in your life than three to four hospital appointments each week,” she said with just the right tone that Jay needed to hear. “And what about Bolivia? It’s like I’m pulled into two opposite directions. Half of my friends want me to stay, and the other half wants me to go,” Jay asked as he accepted the paper and held it in his hands. It felt too heavy. “I can’t give you an answer to that, and I think you know that. However, I do think you could benefit from some sort of closure, a dose of justice if you want to call it that. It would be unprofessional of me to call it revenge, so I won’t say that. If you think going will do more good than harm, then you know what you must do,” Fischer offered a rather thought provoking answer. “Thanks, doc. I do know what needs to be done,” Jay answered with a small smile. 

— — 

Jay had about half an hour before he needed to hop on a bus and meet the woman who would show him the apartments, so he decided that while he was still at Med, he’d drop by doctor Powell’s office to discuss scheduling an appointment for the disability pension evaluation. Powell himself wasn’t available, so Jay talked with his secretary and set up an appointment on Thursday, before his physical therapy session. Jay thanked the secretary and navigated the halls of the hospital with familiarity. He laughed bitterly at the concept. For someone who despised hospitals, he sure spent a lot of time in them. He even greeted a handful of workers he recognized from his stays and appointments. He exited the building and went to wait at the bus stop for his ride. Jay decided to check his phone while he waited. One new message, from Hailey. ‘We need to talk. When are you free?’ Ominous. Sure, they weren’t together anymore but when a woman texts you and says she wants to talk it’s never anything good. Jay decided to hold off on replying for now. He needed to focus on the apartments before he would be able to give her a proper answer anyway. Jay’s bus arrived at the stop, and he got on board and used his bus card to pay for the ride. He took a seat on the mostly vacant bus and leaned against the window. He could already feel how the humid air inside the bus made his clothes stick to his skin like a second skin that’s too tight. He sighed as the bus started moving. He really needed to get his own car. With air conditioning. Another appointment he’d need to schedule as soon as possible. 

Chapter Text

Jay exited the bus and looked around. For an organization that focused solely on assisting people with disabilities, their office sure was not the easiest to reach. There wasn’t a direct bus from Med to their location which Jay found surprising as navigating the bus schedules of Chicago was a chore even without any added challenges. He waited to cross the road before entering the office building. 

The representative that Jay had the appointment with could best be described as a middle aged cat lady. Even her hair was tied to a bun made to look like a ball of yarn, and she had a cat shaped claw clip on it. But her appearance was warm and friendly, so Jay wasn’t complaining. “Mister Halstead, Daphne Smith, we spoke on the phone. It’s good to meet you, you can call me Daphne,” the woman introduced herself and shook Jay’s hand. “Just Jay is fine, Daphne. Thank you for agreeing to meet me on short notice,” Jay greeted and took a seat across Daphne’s office desk. “Of course, Jay. We usually have at least a small selection of apartments available, and with your case it might be a bit simpler to find a suitable place. Almost all of our apartments are either on the first floor of the building, and the rest are reachable by elevator. Now, let me run my notes by you to check that we haven’t missed anything. You prefer an apartment from sector B, no specific requirements for space or number of bedrooms, you may occasionally use a wheelchair and would benefit from railings around the house. And a quiet apartment with no noisy neighbors. Does that sound correct?” Daphne read from her cat themed notebook. “That’s right, yeah,” Jay confirmed. He might have had a longer list of requirements but he was in a bit of a rush to move out, so. Can’t get too picky. Daphne rummaged through her cluttered desk and retrieved a folder. “This is the first option that came to mind after we originally spoke. It’s a little gem if I may. Sector B, several public transport stations within the block. The whole building was recently renovated by a company that specializes in, here’s the only downside I think, senior living facilities. So, most of the residents are in fact elderly people, with a couple of placements from us in the mix. But it’s very well managed and all of the renovations were done with visual, mobility and auditory impairments in mind. The area is peaceful for sector B,” Daphne explained as she opened the folder and pulled out printed images. “The apartment that I was thinking of for you, it’s on the ground floor, so no need for an elevator. All the doors in the building, including your apartment, are extra wide so you don’t need to worry about squeezing in with a wheelchair. This specific apartment is at the end of a hall so you don’t get people walking past your door,” Daphne continued and showed Jay a few of the images from the apartment. “The apartment is pet free - excluding service animals of course - and none of the residents there have young children. Adds to the peace and quiet. Now, last but certainly not least. The apartment, being on the ground floor, it has a small private yard. Fully fenced and the view is secluded. There is some grass out there though, and it is preferred if you’re able to maintain it. But the building has several gardeners that take care of the private gardens on the property, so if you’re interested in the apartment you could get help from one of them,” Daphne finished and showed Jay a picture of the yard. Jay’s face lit up. “I could have my own garden patch. Grow some vegetables and herbs,” he said with excitement, and Daphne smiled at him. “Wonderful. The reason why it has been vacant for so long is because it is rather small. There’s only one bedroom, and the kitchen is too small for a table so a wall was removed between the kitchen and living room to create a more open space, and the living room works as a dining area as well. Unless you have as many belongings as I do, I think you might have a lovely little home here for yourself,” Daphne joked and fished out a paper from the folder, and gave it to Jay. “Here’s the layout for the apartment, and some technical information.” Jay skimmed through everything. The apartment was indeed quite small, there was no room for a dishwasher or a dryer. But it seemed like enough, Jay didn’t really have more than a couple bags worth of items anyway. “Are there other people interested in this apartment?” Jay asked after he mulled it over. “No, a lot of our other clients are looking for a bit more room, and the garden is surprisingly not something that most of them want. Would you like to go and take a look?” Daphne replied. Jay shook his head no. “I’ll take it. Does it come furnished?” he asked. “We can arrange that, yes. The kitchen is already furnished with the essentials, so we’d need something for the bedroom, living slash dining area and I believe there is enough room for a small washing machine in the bathroom,” Daphne explained, and Jay nodded along. “I don’t need anything special. Just a bed, some storage, tv and some chairs,” Jay said and Daphne wrote it down. “If you want to, we can take care of everything and discuss billing afterwards, or we can send you some options and you can pick.” “I don’t really care, as long as it’s functional. Just something simple, easy to keep clean. No decorations or anything like that,” Jay requested and Daphne made notes again. Jay’s eyes were drawn to the pen she was using. It had a little wobbly cat figurine attached to the end.  “Wonderful. Clean and minimalistic, got it. Since we can’t fit much in to begin with, I think we should be ready for you in a week. But we can still go ahead and finish the paperwork, and you can get your set of keys,” Daphne smiled and opened a drawer to retrieve said paperwork. “Sounds good. One more thing. Is there a parking spot available? I don’t have a car yet but it’s on my to do list,” Jay asked. “Yes, the complex has both a heated underground garage and above- ground parking. Your apartment has two spots attached to it, one above and one underground, and they’re included in the rent,” Daphne replied and spread the papers on the desk. She grabbed her kitty pen and smiled at Jay. “Shall we begin?”

Jay exited the building with a set of keys in hand. He now had a place of his own again. He and Daphne had gone over the payment plans, sorted the furniture situation and finished the rent agreement. Jay would officially move in next Monday, a week from now. He stood at the side of the sidewalk, back almost touching the building behind him. He took his phone and opened the text message he had gotten from Hailey before. He texted her the address of his new place and said he’d be there from one thirty to five. He hopped on the bus once it came, destination: his new apartment. 

— —

Hailey enjoyed a rare quiet lunch break at the precinct. Usually they had to either stuff in a few mouthfuls and call it a day, or nibble on the meal throughout the day whenever an opportunity presented itself. But today was almost suspiciously quiet for a Monday. Her phone pinged from the desk, a special tone she had set for messages from Jay. She couldn’t help the smallest hint of a smile that spread on her face. After a quick glance over her shoulder, she picked up the phone. What? Since when did Jay have an apartment? Hailey stood up and walked over to Voight’s office and knocked on the doorframe. “What’s up, Hailey?” Hank said as he lifted his gaze from the computer screen. Hailey stepped into the office and looked back to the bullpen. “When did Jay move out?” she asked quietly to not alert the rest of the team. “He hasn’t. Why do you ask?” Hank replied with a confused expression. Hailey took her phone and showed Hank the message. The sergeant’s brows furrowed as he read. “I knew he was looking but didn’t think it’d happen this soon,” Hank mused and leaned back in his chair. He hadn’t told the team about the altercation at his apartment yet. “It’s been quiet today. You mind if I stop by, see what’s going on? I’ll take my radio with me,” Hailey suggested, and Hank nodded. “He’ll probably tell you if I don’t. We had an argument on the weekend. We sorted it, or so I thought but he didn’t feel like staying apparently,” Hank’s vague explanation earned him a confused look from Hailey. “Okay. I’ll let him explain more,” Hailey said and turned around to leave. “Why did you ask to meet him?” Hank asked suddenly. Hailey stopped and turned to face him. “Did you read my other messages too? Not very polite. Call me if there’s work,” Hailey replied tensely and took off. 

Hailey sat in her car and waited. She had parked where Jay had instructed her to. Apparently he had a parking spot, but no car. He had given her the code to the gate, but she wasn’t ready yet. Why was she doing this on a Monday? What was she thinking? Clearly she wasn’t. But the week when Jay was in Seattle, and how they texted every night to talk about their days? That probably made her brain mushy, and that’s why she had agreed to meet him at two pm on a Monday. The small pouch she had in her jacket pocket burned through the fabric and to her skin. She reached for the keys that were still in the ignition. Her fingers hovered over them, wanting to grab and twist them to bring the engine back to life. Drive away and forget this dumb plan altogether. But Jay was right there. Waiting. She pulled the keys from the ignition and exited the car. She straightened her jacket, and the pouch felt too heavy in her pocket. Go on, you got this, Hailey thought and locked the doors, and started walking towards the building. 

Jay had left his apartment door cracked open just a little. But she still knocked before entering. It was… bare to say the least. “Jay?” Hailey called out when she didn’t see him at the entrance. “Come on in,” Jay replied from somewhere in the apartment. Hailey pushed the door shut and moved onwards. The walls were completely empty, there were no rugs or plants or anything. She passed two closed doors and arrived at an open area which led to the kitchen. That’s where she saw him. Standing by the stove, back to her. “Hi,” she said carefully as she walked closer. Jay turned around at her voice and smiled. “Hey. Coffee’s almost done,” Jay greeted and pointed to the coffee machine. “No milk though. Didn’t want to buy anything that spoils fast.” Hailey stopped walking when she was a few feet away from him. “I don’t use milk in my coffee anymore, it’s fine,” she replied and leaned against the wall as there were no chairs yet. One of Jay’s brows arched. “Since when?” he asked curiously. Hailey huffed. “Since my husband took off and abandoned me for over a year and didn’t fight for our marriage,” she replied. Jay grimaced but recovered quickly. “Gotcha. Well, I’d say take a seat but there isn’t any yet.” Hailey watched as Jay pulled out two red solo cups and poured coffee into them, and handed one to her. “Why did you want to meet?” Jay asked as he blew carefully on the coffee to cool it. “Hank said that you two argued. Everything okay?” Hailey dodged his question for now. “Oh. Umm. Nothing important,” Jay hadn’t expected Hailey to know about that. ”That’s not what Voight said,” Hailey countered and took a sip from the cup. Can’t say she has ever had coffee from a red solo cup. “Hank told you what happened?” Jay asked suspiciously. She nodded. “Mm’hmm. I wanted to hear your side as well,” she replied casually. Jay moved to lean against one of the counters. The kitchen was well lit thanks to the large windows, so Hailey could see Jay well. She hadn’t looked at him much since they reunited. Probably afraid to see how much was different. But she looked now. His skin was tan, thanks to all the time he had spent outdoors so far, so it was easy to notice the pale scars on his arms. Long ones, shorter ones. Ragged edges, neat little lines. Hailey used to know the exact number of scars on Jay’s body. Knew how many he had before she joined the team. Kept track of how many more he earned over the years as they worked together. But now? She couldn’t even guess anymore. 

Hailey startled when Jay cleared his throat. Oh, had she been staring? She had. “Sorry,” she said, embarrassed. Jay had a sad smile on his face. “I get it. I’m not pretty to look at,” he sounded small, insecure. Hailey shook her head. “No, that’s not true.” Jay adjusted himself awkwardly. “Why are you here, Hailey?” he asked again. “Tell me about you and Voight first,” she replied and took another sip. Jay sighed and rubbed his face. “Okay. Umm, he wanted to know what was going on with me. I didn’t want to tell him. He kept pushing me. We had an argument, I said something that was out of line, he told me to move out. So, I’m doing just that,” Jay recapped the events, not explaining more as he was under the impression that Hank had already shared plenty. “And what is going on?” Hailey asked. She was displeased with the lack of information in Jay’s reply. “A lot, I suppose. Will and Natalie asked me to be the godfather. Flying to see them in the first place, that was a lot too. Umm. I got a job offer. Hank and I clashed heads over it,” this time Jay shared just enough to satisfy Hailey’s curiosity, or that’s what he hoped. He didn’t mention Bolivia, Justin and Hank kicking his door to bits, or the absolute worst flashback Hank’s outburst had triggered. Not to mention that conversation with Will. She did NOT need to know. “He didn’t tell you, did he?” Jay added before Hailey had a chance to speak again. She hesitated but shook her head no. “He implied. But I wanted to hear it from you,” Hailey replied quietly. They might not be together anymore but they had been for a good while. So Hailey knew him, and could sense that he was still holding back. “Is that all?” she pried gently. Jay sighed and shifted his weight from one leg to another. “Hailey, why are you here?” Jay asked for the third time. 

Hailey couldn’t believe she was doing this. But she had to. She closed the distance between them, and leaned against the counter like Jay was doing. “I missed you,” she said quietly. Hailey didn’t miss how Jay tensed at her words. Okay, that was unexpected. He crossed his arms as if to protect himself. “What do you mean? I was gone for only a week,” Jay asked. Hailey fiddled with her fingers in search of the right words. “No, I mean when you were in Bolivia. And when you came back. I missed you. I miss you,” her words were hushed, like a secret that wasn’t supposed to be spoken of.  She turned her head to see his reaction better. He seemed… almost scared? “I did too. I’m sorry I made you feel like that,” he replied with sadness. Hailey immediately shook her head. “No, don’t be sorry. I just, I have something,” she said and put her hand in the pocket of her jacket. Jay tilted his head in confusion. Hailey pulled out a small velvet pouch. “I’m not sorry that I missed you. It hurt but it also proved how strong our love was. How strong we were, together,” she started and undid the string on the pouch. She held her hand in front of Jay, inviting him to give her his. Jay’s left hand slowly came up, and he held it open, palm up. “I didn’t mean to take your ring. But I still had mine too,” she continued and tilted the pouch above Jay’s awaiting hand. Two rings fell out. Jay immediately made a fist to hold them. “Your ring reminded me of us. Two halves of one whole. You’re my other half, Jay,” she finished and waited for him. Jay slowly opened his hand again, and looked down. It was Jay and Hailey’s wedding rings. He expected to see his ring repaired, but was shocked to see that half of his ring was attached to half of Hailey’s ring. Two rings, half his and half hers. “What..?” Jay stuttered but didn’t know what to say. “I don’t know what the future holds for us, Jay. I don’t even know what these rings represent. But what I do know is that I can’t let you go again,” Hailey’s words were soft, careful. “Hailey…” Jay’s voice was raspy. Hailey could make out the beginnings of tears in his eyes. “I can’t take this.” 

She must have heard him wrong. Did he just say no? “I’m sorry but I can’t, Hails,” Jay repeated and the first tear slid down his cheek. “What do you.. what?” Hailey managed to ask. She couldn’t believe this. “You said that, that you couldn’t let me go again,” Jay started and wiped his eyes with his right hand. “But I would. Leave you again,” he finished and presented the rings to Hailey. She didn’t accept them. Instead, she took a few steps forward and turned back around to look at him. “What’s going on, Jay?” she asked, tears also threatening to form in her eyes. “My fight with Hank? It was about me leaving. To Bolivia,” Jay admitted quietly. What? “You’re fucking with me, right?” was all Hailey could say. “No,” Jay replied barely audibly. “You can’t go back! Why would you want to go back?!” Hailey couldn’t help but yell. This was not happening. Jay carefully placed the rings on the counter and took a hesitant step towards her. “I have to. You have to understand. Please let me explain,” Jay tried, and it took all of Hailey’s willpower to stay put. “Okay,” she replied curtly. “I don’t know if I told you before. But they never caught the men who, umm, had me. And it just wasn’t a priority so they didn’t make any progress. Until recently. They found him. And I need to be there when they catch him. I need to look him in the eye. He needs to see that he didn’t beat me. That I won,” he was fighting the tears even though it was a lost battle. Hailey didn’t know what to say. “You can’t go,” she repeated dumbly as her brain struggled to comprehend the words. She couldn’t lose him again. “I just got you back, Jay.  I can’t..,” her voice trailed off and she sniffled. Jay took another step forward and hesitantly opened his arms. She recognized the gesture instantly, and wasted no time in crashing against his broad chest as his arms wrapped around her. She couldn’t resist anymore, and tears poured from her eyes as she sobbed against Jay’s chest.

It felt familiar. Like home. Being in his arms again. The circumstances were unfortunate, but Hailey cherished the contact with him nonetheless. At some point he had started rubbing circles on her back, murmuring gentle words of reassurance. Nothing special or worth mentioning. Just words that were for her. She didn’t know how much time passed, but the wet stain on Jay’s shirt told her that she’d been crying for a while now. “I’m sorry,” she said tiredly and pulled free from the hug. The loss of Jay’s touch made her feel alone. She wiped her eyes and looked at him. He’d been crying too. Silent tears, to not disturb her grief. “There’s nothing to apologize for,” he said softly and reached out to gently wipe the last of her tears from her cheeks. “I don’t want to leave you, Hailey. But I have to go. I need this. Closure,” he continued and cradled her jawline for a moment before pulling back. “When?” Hailey managed to ask. She hated the fact that he wanted to leave. Again. But she would have hated herself even more if she held him down. “Next month. 28th,” Jay replied and shifted his weight. Oh. They must have been standing for a while now. “We could sit down,” she suggested and looked around to find a good spot. “Oh, sure. The yard is nice,” he said softly and held his hand for her. She didn’t need a second to consider, she took it immediately, and let Jay lead her outside. 

The yard was nice, just as Jay had said. There wasn’t much to see yet as Jay hadn’t had even a day to get settled. But there was one wooden bench, and Jay led her to it. They sat down, and she noticed how much he relaxed. “Was it bad?” she asked softly and watched him knead his thumbs into his thigh muscles. “I’ve just been pushing myself a lot lately. It’s fine,” he admitted quietly. She waited for Jay to finish with the massage, but the frown between his eyebrows didn’t smoothen. “I don’t mind if you want to take… it off. If that would help,” she suggested carefully, not wanting to overstep. Jay chuckled at her careful tone. “That’s cute. But thanks. It would help. You sure you don’t mind?” Jay confirmed and only proceeded after Hailey had nodded. She tried not to stare exactly, more like observe curiously when Jay took off his prosthetic. Jay glanced at her when it was time to remove the liner. Her expression must have been what he wanted to see, because he rolled it off. Jay dug his thumbs into the muscles at the base of his residual limb, and closed his eyes when he hit a sore spot. “Can you… tell me about them?” Hailey’s voice trembled a little. Jay hummed in confusion. “About the scars on your leg.” Hailey explained further. Jay opened his eyes and looked at her. “Oh,” his voice was quiet. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-,” Hailey started but Jay cut him off. “It’s okay. I can tell you, if you’re sure,” he said and looked at her with focused eyes. She nodded, and tried (and failed) to give Jay a reassuring smile. “It’s okay. If you change your mind then I’ll stop,” Jay replied with a soft smile.

He let his gaze drop down to his knee, where two scars were visible on both sides of his kneecap. “I got lucky with this one, that’s what they tell me. It was close to a miracle that I didn’t lose function in my knee. Tore three ligaments, had a pretty gnarly fracture on my kneecap. They worked their magic though. These are from the surgery to fix the tears. And umm, here you can sort of see where my tibia broke through the skin. Because of the infection they had to umm, cut it wider. Obviously, the rest of it is gone. But that’s what’s left, a small reminder. You don’t really want to see your own bones outside of your body,” Jay’s voice trailed off as his eyes unfocused a little. He was quick to blink a few times, and seemed to be back. He looked at Hailey, checking to see how she was. She looked sad, almost teary again but nodded at him to continue. Jay rolled the hem of his shorts up a little. “This was, umm. I actually don’t know what it officially was. Tar? Not quite. But it burned. Might as well have been lava. Do not recommend using your hands to attempt removing it,” Jay said bitterly and showed her his left palm. “Again, it was a small miracle that I got to keep my fingers, the function. If you really look then you can see that some of them are maybe a little more stiff. But umm, yeah. I had fourth, almost fifth degree burns on my leg. You can kind of see that there’s a dent in the muscle, where they had to remove the dead parts,” Jay explained and gently picked up Hailey’s hand. He observed her face carefully for any objections, but there were none, so Jay continued on and placed her hand on his thigh, and adjusted her fingers. “You feel it, the dip in the muscle?” Jay asked and continued watching her. Hailey carefully moved her hand a little bit to get a better feel. “Does it feel odd?” she asked as she ran her finger back and forth over the dent in the muscle. “Not really. It’s better now, with the new muscle strength that I’ve gained,” he replied softly. “There’s nothing else going on really. Just different levels of scarring on the thigh, from the skin grafts,” Jay finished and waited for Hailey. She was still running her hand gently across the scarring. She’d done it many times in the past, ran her hand over Jay’s many scars. But this was a new one, something strange for her to explore and memorize. Jay had once admitted to her that it brought him comfort, when she traced the edges of his scars. And it still seemed to be the case as Jay leaned back against the bench and sighed. “I’m sorry,” he suddenly said. Hailey was taken aback, and removed her hand. “What?” she asked, confused. “I keep forgetting that we’re not.. together anymore. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to cross any lines,” Jay explained. “Jay. You didn’t. I meant what I said before. I miss you,” her words were soft, pure, honest. Jay smiled softly, a shy little smile. “Umm, there’s one more. Scar, I mean. If you want to hear about it,” Jay said shyly. “Please, if you don’t mind,” Hailey replied, and this time her reassuring smile was genuine. 

Jay had finished telling her about the wide scar on his stump a while ago, and they were now sitting in comfortable silence. Or so she thought. She was simply thinking back to the last time she had traced Jay’s scars. The ones on his arm and shoulder. But Jay mistook her silence for something else. “I’m sorry. I know it’s a lot, I shouldn’t have told you,” he apologized after he couldn’t bear the silence any longer. Hailey focused on him again and furrowed her brows. “What do you mean? I wanted to know,” she questioned. Jay’s hands fiddled just above his pant pocket. “I know you asked. But I should have known better. You don’t need me like this,” his words were barely above a whisper. Hailey’s brain caught on, realizing how Jay had misunderstood the situation. “Jay, no. You can’t scare me off, not anymore. I’m just going to need extra time to catalog all of them,” Hailey replied using Jay’s words. He used to joke how she might as well create a spreadsheet for his scars, imagines included. Hailey had defended herself by saying that the scars were just proof of how much he had endured, and that it was a blessing to have him alive and in her life. But that was years ago. Would Jay remember that? “Oh. Umm. I mean... This is a secluded place. If you need some photographic evidence. For your spreadsheet,” Jay waggled his eyebrows with a playful smile. Gotcha. “And I meant what I said earlier. You are pretty to look at,” Hailey said with some fondness in her voice. She glanced down at Jay’s stump when he wasn’t looking. She wondered if it would ever become a normal sight for her. Because now, each time she saw Jay with the prosthetic and shorts, her heart sank. Only for a moment, then her brain would catch up and remind her it was okay. That he was okay. 

“I wanted to take them before. The rings. But you understand why I can’t, right?” Jay questioned a bit later. She nodded slowly. “I understand but I don’t agree. It’s not a bind, or an obligation. You can wear it on a chain around your neck. Take it slow, and see where we are when you return,” she offered, and Jay seemed surprised. “You’d.. wait for me?” he asked carefully. “If you reply to my texts, and promise to come back to me. I did a lot of thinking while you were in Seattle. You texted every day. It was.., it felt good. I might have… freaked out a little when you left,” Hailey admitted. Jay looked confused. “What do you mean?” he asked. Hailey chuckled awkwardly, such an unusual sound from her. “I thought you were leaving again. And I didn’t get to say goodbye. But then you texted me to say you were at your gate. And then later that night. And the next day, and the day after that. I don’t know what we are right now. Before, I said we’d be friends. But we’re more, aren’t we?” Hailey spoke softly, and it took Jay a while to process the words. Jay reached into his pocket, and pulled out something small. He held it in front of Hailey, and she took it. A gem? What? “I was at the beach when I saw it. Sea glass. The same color as your eyes,” Jay explained as she studied the piece. “It’s for you. Makayla gave me two, and I guess they help me with my, umm, anxiety and things like that. Maybe it’ll help you too.” Jay took out two of his sea glass pieces, the green and the orange ones. “It’s just something to focus on. I promise. I promise I will come back to you, Hailey Upton. I will even if it’s the last thing I do. Leaving you like that, it’ll forever be my biggest regret. And… after I come back, I’d like to spend a lifetime with you, trying to make it up to you,” Jay’s words were hoarse, thick with emotion. Hailey reached for his hand, and held onto it. “And I promise I’ll wait for you, no matter how long it takes. Just don’t leave me in the dark,” she said and smiled fondly when Jay squeezed her hand gently. He leaned forward, slowly, carefully. Soon Hailey could feel his breath against her skin. BZZZ, BZZZ. Both of them startled and Jay pulled back. Hailey’s police scanner. She actually groaned in frustration as she reached for it. “I have to go. I’m sorry..,” Hailey said softly. “It’s okay. I’ll wait for you. Text me, when you can?” Jay said, and the amusement was evident in his voice. “See, now you get me. I’ll text you. And thanks. For the sea glass, and..,” Hailey replied with a playful smile, but trailed off when she wasn’t sure what to call their little heart to heart moment in the garden. Jay leaned back against the bench and waved his hand at her. “Go on, detective. The city awaits.”

Chapter Text

Jay remained seated and watched Hailey hurriedly walk away. The sight made something ache in his chest. He’d never get to answer a call for help from a police scanner ever again. He used to love the thrill. The excitement of the unknown. You never truly knew what was waiting for you at the scene, especially if you were the first to arrive. If he and Hailey ended up being together again in some capacity, Jay would have to learn how to deal with it all. Seeing her go off without him. He sighed and reached for his prosthetic. 

The rings. They were still on the kitchen counter when Jay walked in. “Not again,” Jay muttered. Last time it was Hailey who accidentally had both rings. And now him. Hailey hadn’t left the velvet pouch for them, so Jay scrambled to find a safe place for them. The search was unsuccessful as one might have expected. The apartment was bare, and there was nothing that Jay could use to store the rings. He sighed and took one of the red solo cups from the sink. He rinsed it and carefully placed the rings inside. Now where… On top of the fridge. Should be safe enough, the movers who would assemble his furniture had no reason to touch his fridge. Jay glanced at the clock on his phone and decided it was late enough, and he should head back to Hank’s. He gathered his things, locked the door to the yard and exited his apartment. 

— —

Hailey was the last one on scene. She hadn’t even been the furthest away, but she couldn’t bring herself to leave Jay’s parking spot. She had examined the sea glass piece that Jay had given her, gotten lost in her thoughts and all of a sudden she was five minutes late. 

“How was he?” Voight asked when Hailey was close enough. Hailey gave her an unamused stare. “I can see the body from here. Not now,” she replied firmly and continued forward where Kim and Adam were standing near the victim.  “Where were you? We missed you at lunch,” Kim asked her. Hailey heard Hank’s footsteps from behind. “I was with Jay,” Hailey replied. Hank came to stand next to her. “Oh yeah? How is he? We haven’t had a chance to meet in a while,” Adam butted in. Hailey sighed inwardly. Looks like Hank gets to know after all. “He was good. Showed me his new apartment. You should call him, I’m sure he’d like that,” she kept her tone casual, not revealing too much. Kevin appeared from somewhere, having heard Jay’s name. “Hold on, Jay has a new place? Since when? We spoke two days ago and he didn’t say anything about it,” Kevin questioned with a confused look. Hailey turned to look at Hank, and raised her brow at him. “Jay and I were talking last night. He wanted to move out,” the sergeant told his team. Hailey couldn’t stop a scoff from escaping her. Not that she tried very hard. “Riight. You talked. How about we talk about the vic so they don’t need to hear more of your lies?” Hailey said tightly. The others looked at her and Hank with confused curiosity. “Upton, we’ll talk later. Kevin, what do we got?” Hank sighed and directed the conversation elsewhere. That’s what I thought, Hailey thought to herself as she focused on Kevin’s debrief on the victim. 

— —

Later that night, Jay was in the kitchen finishing up the cooking when Hank came home from work. The sergeant walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, a firm expression on his face. “Did Trudy set this up?” he asked Jay. Jay put down a pot and turned to look at him. “The sauce? Actually, yeah. It’s one of her recipes. I added some garlic though,” Jay replied a tad confused. Hank usually wasn’t that interested in his meals. Until it came to eating them. “No. Did Trudy help you with the apartment?” Hank reworded the question. “What? No, she didn’t. Not directly. She mentioned the organization months ago,” Jay replied, still confused. “I told you you didn’t need to move out yet,” Hank told him. “Hank, we already went through this. I was never going to stay forever. You get that, right?” Jay said carefully and opened the tap to fill the sink in order to wash the dishes. “I get that. But I think it’s too soon,” Hank insisted and took a few steps closer to get Jay’s attention. Jay added some dish soap to the water and swirled it around with his hand. “I think it’s the perfect time. I told Hailey about Bolivia. We talked. I think me getting more independent is the best thing for me right now,” Jay explained and grabbed the scrubber and picked up the first dish. “You should have waited until after Bolivia at least. If you still insist on going. What did she say?” Hank questioned. Jay sighed and dropped the scrubber in the sink. “You know, I respect your opinion but I don’t share your view. Green and I, we’ll be talking a lot more the closer my departure date gets. And I don’t need you to eavesdrop, even unintentionally. The less you know the better. And Hailey? That’s between me and her,” Jay spoke calmly. He had to bite his cheek to stop the smug smile from forming on his face when he saw Hank’s frustration. The old Jay would have fallen for Hank’s taunting. But he now knew better. “Fine. If you want to waste paying rent for the apartment while you’re in Bolivia then fine,” Hank gave up arguing. “Listen, Voight. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I really do. I’m sorry if me wanting to move out came across as ungrateful. Because I’m not. You gave me a home when I was at my lowest, and I’ll never be able to repay you for that,” Jay said wholeheartedly and reached out to give Hank’s shoulder a nudge. Come on now, can’t get too sappy. Hank grumbled in a way that was him being thankful. Jay had learned to translate Hank’s grunts and growls over the years. “Thanks, kid. I didn’t think you were ungrateful. I’m going to miss your cooking. I think I lost a pound or two, eating healthier with you,” Hank said and nudged Jay’s shoulder too. Jay chuckled and turned back to the dishes waiting in the sink. 

When Jay exited the bathroom after brushing his teeth, he made a quick stop in the living room where Hank was watching some crime show. “Headed to bed?” Hank asked when he noticed him. Jay nodded. “Yeah. I just wanted to say that I’m going to tell the rest of the team too. Eventually. About Bolivia. So uhh, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything for now,” Jay requested. Hank tilted his head a little. “Okay. I can do that,” he replied slowly. “Thanks, Hank. Goodnight,” Jay said and turned to leave. “Night, kid.”

Jay lay in bed, waiting for sleep to come. He’d been tossing and turning for a while now despite being tired. He groaned and reached for his phone. Turning it on blinded him momentarily as he fumbled to turn down the brightness. He opened the conversation with Hailey and started typing. ‘Thanks for coming to see me today. I’m glad we talked. I miss you. You left your ring at my place.’ Jay wasn’t expecting her to answer immediately, but she was likely still awake. She had always been a bit of a night owl, worse than him actually. But lately, in the past eight, nine months, Jay had gotten worse at falling asleep. Bzz. Jay smiled fondly when she replied. ‘Sorry, I was in a rush. Didn’t mean to leave it. I miss you too. Whenever I miss you a little too much, I take the sea glass you gave me. You’re right, there’s something calming about them. Maybe we can grab lunch tomorrow?’ Jay wanted to say yes to the lunch date. But unfortunately he already had plans. ‘Sorry, I can’t tomorrow. Going to the beach with Kelly, and Stella too I think. I’m taking Makayla to the park on Wednesday. And I have PT on Thursday, plus some meetings. How’s Friday? I can do a late lunch at around one?’ Jay often thought his life was boring, with nothing happening. But trying to make plans proved him wrong. He didn’t need to have two therapy sessions per week anymore, but they were such an important part of his routine that he didn’t want to change it yet. Also, he was supposed to start having physical therapy appointments every other week instead of weekly. The goal was to work towards having one appointment a month. But he was currently still gaining a decent amount of muscle, and some weight too, so the shape of his stump kept changing - albeit slowly- and doctor Garcia as his lead prosthetist had insisted that Jay comes in weekly to work on his gait and posture to lengthen the time he could use the current socket. Yeah, Jay didn’t really get it either but he liked the people who worked with him on the physical therapy so he didn’t question it much. 

Hailey’s response pulled him out of his thoughts. ‘Soft yes. Fridays have been busy lately. You could, maybe drop by the precinct? I know it’s been a while since the last time but things are different, right?’ Jay’s heart skipped a beat. And not in a good way. No, it was a bad idea. Every time he went back, something went wrong. He couldn’t, not even for her. ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. Maybe we can video call instead?’ Jay typed an alternate option. His eyelids started feeling heavy, and his phone almost slipped out of his grasp. But Hailey’s reply jolted him awake. ‘Ok. Call me when you’re available.’ Hmm. Was she disappointed that Jay didn’t agree to visit..? It was hard to tell from text alone. He didn’t know how to take it, so he decided that it would be best if he didn’t answer at all. He chugged his phone away, and burrowed deeper into his pillows.  

Tuesday

Jay was up and out the front door before Hank even got out of bed, and that was saying something. Jay had come to realize that he needed to be up early if he wanted to enjoy his morning run in peace, and in cooler weather so he was out before five. He did three miles instead of his usual eight as he wanted to save some of his energy for the beach with Kelly and Stella. And when Jay returned from the run, Hank had already left for work.

He had agreed to meet Kelly and Stella at ten, so he took a detour to a sports store and purchased a football. Jay used to love throwing the ball when he was younger. And it made for a good beach activity. 

Kelly had invited some of the other firefighters to come along, so they were able to form two teams of four, and they attempted a little game at the beach. By the end of it, everyone was covered in sand thanks to sunscreen, sweat and water. But it was the most fun Jay had had in months. It felt so… normal. Just running around with the boys - Stella and Violet didn’t want to join the game - and tossing the ball. Jay even tackled Cruz once, and the proud smile on Kelly’s face was a sight that made Jay’s heart burst. Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all. Ever since the team had found Jay in the apartment, he had started hanging out more with people than he did before Bolivia. He barely had time before to spend with Kelly and the firehouse. He didn’t have people like Tony or Aiden in his life before. Even Kenny, his probable new boss, was someone whose friendship Jay cherished in a whole new way. Maybe it was Bolivia that made him appreciate life in a new way, even if he didn’t always see it.

Okay, Jay definitely felt the beach workout at the end of the day when he finally made it back home. He had skin irritation from the sand scraping on his knee and elbows, and somehow sand had gotten inside his liner, and had rubbed against his skin. But Jay didn’t mind. He’d bear the slight pain and irritation any day if it meant he got to enjoy a grand day at the beach. Jay and the guys had made loose plans to meet up again in the near future, with more guys from the firehouse, and Jay had promised to invite Adam and Kevin too. 

That night, Jay fell into bed a happy man. Tired, slightly sunburned, raw skin on his knee and elbows, but a smile on his face. 

Wednesday 

Jay groaned and whimpered when he got out of bed the next morning. God, he needed a long soak in hot water. And a massage. Maybe ten. He’d have to settle for a swim lesson with Tony, and then a lunch date at the park with Makayla. 

Jay skipped his morning run, and instead focused on preparing the lunch that he would bring with him to the park. It was good that he woke up early, as it was slow going with all the achy muscles and soreness. He had to admit defeat halfway through the task, and he changed his prosthetic to a wheelchair. His only saving grace was the fact that Hank wasn’t there to witness his pathetic performance. But, Jay did manage to finish off preparing the meal, transferring it into lunch boxes and doing one third of the dishes before he had to get ready for the swim class. The perfectionist in him was mourning the messy kitchen and half finished dishes but what can you do? The food was ready and that’s what truly mattered, Makayla would have a lovely meal at the park. 

The swim class at nine am was… something. Tom being the best teacher and human being in general, was patient and understanding of Jay’s aches and discomfort and adjusted their swim training for the day to focus more on floating techniques and other low level exercises. Jay still asked to spend the end of the learning time in the hot tub at the swimming hall. After the soak he took a skin scorching hot shower and massaged his muscles under the stream, willing the aching to stop.

Since Jay didn’t have his car yet, Kim had to use her lunch break to bring Makayla to the park. The kiddo had insisted she was old enough to take the bus on her own, but she should have known better. Both parents in one of the more elite police units in Chicago? Yeah right, Makayla should consider herself lucky to get to leave the house on her own at all. Jay would have gone to Adam and Kim’s to accompany her for the bus ride but he would’ve needed to change buses twice. For a big city such as Chicago, there was much to improve in terms of public transportation. 

So instead, Jay stood at the bus stop closest to the park and waited for Kim’s car to arrive. Maybe next time it would be Jay driving, seeing how he had the recertification course tomorrow. But today, it was Kim and her car pulling over from the road. Kim waved them goodbye from the car and hurried off - yet another lunch break for the intelligence it seemed. 

“Did you bring your basketball?” Jay asked Makayla as the duo was walking through the park. Jay had promised to throw some hoops with her as long as she brought the ball. “I did! Dad’s been trying to give me some pointers but I’m actually better than him so I don’t really listen. I pretend to, so he feels better,” Makayla said confidently and shook her backpack where the basketball presumably was. “Don’t I know it, kid. I tried playing with Adam a few times. It was sad. Kevin’s pretty good, better than me. But your mom? I have no idea where she learned to play like that,” chattered as his eyes scanned the park for a vacant bench. Makayla walked a few steps ahead. “I played with Dante once, he was also pretty good. He said that you used whoop his ass,” Makayla said with a bright smile. Jay chuckled at the mention of Dante. Yeah, they had their moments, Dante and him. Before Bolivia. “Maybe we can ask him to come next time?” the girl asked hopefully. Jay fought to keep his face neutral. “Umm, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Jay answered carefully. Makayla had noticed an empty bench, and was skipping towards it and glancing back to make sure Jay was keeping up. “Because you left, and he got upset?” she guessed just as they reached the bench. Jay sat down with a deep exhale. “Someone’s been eavesdropping, huh? But yeah, something like that,” Jay pretended to scold her, but he could never be truly upset with her. Makayla rounded the park bench and sat down on the other side of the table. “I try not to. But I heard your name and I got worried. That you left again without saying goodbye,” Makayla admitted quietly. Oh. Jay felt like someone had poured ice cold water on him. “I’m sorry that I did that before. I didn’t consider how it would affect you or the others,” Jay started with an apology. Should he tell her about Bolivia? Not today, but eventually. “Just don’t do it again. It sucked at home for a while when you left the last time,” Makayla said seriously. Jay dropped his backpack next to him on the bench and opened the zipper. “What do you mean it sucked at home?” he asked confusingly as he reached for the containers of lunch. Makayla accepted a container before answering. “Well, mom and dad, they argued a little. About how to help Hailey. They yelled about you too, said you were a…moron for leaving her like that,” her words were a punch to Jay’s heart. “I’m sorry you had to hear that. That won’t happen again though, I would leave like that. I promise,” Jay said and watched her give a hesitant nod before digging into the lunch. Jay sighed and opened his as well and started eating. 

Jay hadn’t played basketball with a prosthetic before. He wasn’t sure what to expect, so he brought his running blade with him too. After lunch, and some lighthearted conversation to forget the serious business, Makayla and Jay headed to the basketball court. The park had multiple nets, and they were able to claim one for themselves. Most of the nets were being used, there was a mix of different groups playing. Kids and parents, teens just messing around, adults playing properly… Makayla and Jay would fit right into the mix. “Alright, kid. Show me what you got,” Jay declared with a grin as Makayla bounced the ball. 

“Dude! That was sick!” a stranger’s voice echoed through the court. Jay whipped his head towards the source, and was met with a group of teenagers, maybe between fifteen and seventeen years old. Jay had just tossed the ball into the net, and had dropped back to the ground after hanging from the net for a second or two. “That’s pretty sick moves, man,” the young man said again as his group approached Jay and Makayla. Jay glanced at her before focusing on the group again. “Umm, thanks?” Jay replied carefully. He had changed into the running blade a bit earlier to try how it felt, and so far he was having a blast. “Does that thing give you an extra bounce?” the same teen asked again. They stopped a few feet away from Jay, who was standing in front of Makayla. Jay studied each teen, the four of them. They all seemed genuinely interested and impressed with Jay’s moves. Jay shifted his posture a little to reveal Makayla behind him. “Umm. Sure, it kind of does. This part here, on the prosthetic, you see? It kind of boosts my step when I go faster. It’s not as noticeable when I walk but after a few quick strides it kind of bounces more,” Jay explained and pointed to his prosthetic, and the teens leaned forward to get a better view. “Can you show us again?” another kid, perhaps the youngest, asked. Jay glanced at Makayla again, who shrugged and gave Jay a half smile. “Sure. If you show me your best shot,” Jay smirked and grabbed the ball. 

 — —

“Mom, you should have seen it! Jay was badass!” Makayla gushed to Kim and Adam later that evening after Jay had accompanied her on the bus ride back home. Jay had been prepared to wait until Kim and/or Adam returned from work, only to find both home already. So Jay had agreed to stay for dinner, and now the group was in the living room waiting for the meal to cook, and Makayla was doing her best to reenact the events at the basketball court. “They came up to us like ‘Woaa look at that man go’ and then Jay showed them what’s what!” she explained and waved the basketball around in her arms. “Language..,” Adam muttered under his breath, but there was no warning in his voice. Jay ducked his head shyly as Kim chuckled. “That sounds great, sweet bear. Sounds like you had a blast,” Kim said and smiled even wider when she noticed Jay’s red cheeks. “Careful, Jay. You're becoming a local star at the courts, along you won’t be able to leave the house in peace,” she jabbed and watched Jay’s cheeks turn a deeper shade of red. “Don’t start. I already get enough stares,” Jay quipped back lightheartedly. He’d been anxious at first when the group had started talking to them at the park, but his mind quickly calmed, and he ended up having a wonderful time, and his body was yet again feeling the strain of the day. “Can we go again tomorrow? Pleeease,” Makayla stretched the vowels to present her plea with more power. Both Kim and Adam shook their heads no. “You know Jay has other things tomorrow. Isn’t tomorrow therapy day, Jay?” Kim inquired, and Jay nodded. “Got a packed day unfortunately, Maks. I have physical therapy, a meeting with doctor Powell and then a recertification course online in the afternoon,” Jay listed his schedule for tomorrow. Adam perked up in his seat. “Doctor Powell? What’s that about?” he asked curiously, and Kim seemed interested too. Jay shifted under their intense gazes. “Umm, I’ve just been working to get my disability pension status revoked,” Jay attempted a casual tone. It didn’t seem to matter though if Kim and Adam’s faces were to tell. “I thought you didn’t need to do anything like that for at least until September or October?” Adam questioned with raised brows, and Kim nodded in agreement. Jay looked at Makayla, unsure how to proceed. Not even six hours ago, Jay had promised the girl that he wasn’t leaving again. Hesitation grew within him.

 “You’re leaving again, aren’t you?” Makayla was the one to speak, and she was correct. “Yeah. Temporarily,” Jay confirmed with a soft voice. It was like a weight being lifted off his shoulders. Jay was half prepared to get a tantrum from Makayla, but none came. Instead, she nodded, walked over to Jay, and hugged him. “I promise it’ll be different this time,” Jay murmured so that only she could hear. She nodded again and ended the hug shortly after. By that point, Kim and Adam had recovered from the shock. “Where are you going? When, and for how long?” Adam asked as he stood up and started pacing around the room. Kim’s face was firm, arms crossed as she waited for Jay to explain further. “There’s been some developments. I have to go back. To Bolivia. It’ll be different this time, I won’t do much other than observe. I leave in a month, August 28th,” Jay tried his best to keep his explanation short and simple. Adam stopped pacing, and stared at Jay with a disbelieving expression. “You’re joking. Right?” he asked. “No. It’s already been sorted. And before you get all worked up about it, I told Hailey on Monday. We’re cool. It’s okay,” Jay said calmly, or at least he hoped that’s how he sounded. Beeeeep, beeeeep. A sound came from the kitchen. “The meatloaf is done. How about we just eat?” Kim sighed and stood up, done with the conversation. Makayla followed her with an apologetic smile. “Adam, I know what you’re thinking. But this won’t be like last time. I promise,” Jay said as he stood up and extended his hand to Adam. Adam studied Jay skeptically but sighed and clapped Jay’s hand. “If you say so, dude.”

Dinner was awkward. Jay ate in silence as Kim and Adam tried to entertain Makayla’s questions. After the meal, Jay helped with the dirty dishes and quietly made his way to the entrance after everything was cleaned and dried. Kim trailed behind him, brows furrowed with worry. “I just don’t think this is a good idea. Look what happened last time,” she whispered to not attract Adam or Makayla. Jay sighed as he put on his backpack. “I know, you don’t need to tell me,” he said curtly, and Kim grimaced realizing her poor word choices. “I understand your concerns. But trust me, I wouldn’t go if it wasn’t okay,” Jay reassured her with a lopsided smile. Kim sighed, still unsure, but seemed to accept it for now. “Thanks for hanging out with her. She really likes spending time with you,” Kim said as Jay reached for the doorknob. “It was my pleasure. But I have to get going though, there’s a steaming hot salt bath with my name on it waiting for me at Hank’s,” Jay chuckled and opened the door. “I can tell. You’re waddling like a duck with those sore muscles. Take care, Jay,” Kim said with a small, almost sad smile. Jay waved his hand, shouted goodbyes to Adam and Makayla, and left. 

Thursday

This was getting ridiculous. Jay really needed to slow down soon. If he thought that yesterday morning was bad, then this morning must have been hell. It wasn’t even an exaggeration to say the he had to roll out of bed as his muscles were too stiff and achy for any other exit strategy. He sat on the floor, leaning against the bed, and wondered what the hell he was doing. He could help but laugh. It felt good. Jay had occasionally wondered if he could find pleasure in pushing himself to his physical limits again. He used to love it with the Rangers. Going days with little to no sleep, going above and beyond one’s limits, and coming out on top. Sure, playing basketball with a bunch of teenagers was nothing compared to how he used to be, but it still felt amazing. 

His joy was short lived, as he still needed to get up and on with his day. Jay decided against breakfast in order to have more time with the TENS machine. He technically could have used it and eaten at the same time, but he barely managed to transport himself from point A - bed - to point B - couch in his room - to get the machine. He physically could not make it to the kitchen even if he wanted to. So he whimpered and whined as he got everything settled, chose a program and turned it on.

After the program had run its course, Jay did a handful of deep stretches to loosen up his muscles even more. It was just foolish thinking from Jay that he had packed his start of the week with all sorts of activities as he knew he would be too sore to get the most out of physical therapy. But Jay was no quitter, so he did his best to alleviate the pain, the rest he would deal with. 

The visit to Med was uneventful in its own way. It was all a routine; take the same bus, greet the same driver, sit in the same spot, have your crutches with you just in case, arrive at the same time… The only difference was that today Jay had a five minute meeting with doctor Powell about the revoking of the pension. It was a quick and simple chat, Jay asked for it and Powell said “sure if you want”. Jay would still be eligible for a myriad of benefits and financial aid, so he wasn’t necessarily required to work even after getting his pension revoked. Powell had been keeping track of Jay’s progress in physical therapy, and he was happy with what he saw. Powell did slow the pace just a tiny bit when he informed that Jay needed a mandatory health checkup in order to finalize the paperwork. And as it was the dead of summer and people were on their holidays, Jay would need to wait until the 21st to have that done. Jay gritted his teeth but reluctantly accepted the date - it was dangerously close to his departure date for Bolivia, but doctor Powell assured him that the wheels of bureaucracy never stopped turning, and there would be someone to handle Jay’s paperwork even during late summer. 

Matthews, the one in charge of Jay’s physical therapy, scolded him with a shake of the head when It became clear how sore Jay was before the appointment. Usually Jay left exhausted and achy but today was a different story. “It warms my heart to see you out and about so much, but man you got to reign it in, you’re still not fully recovered and fit yet. Tell me, do you not lean more on your right hip?” Matthews asked at the end of the session. Jay, seated to catch his breath, nodded a little. “See? If you keep pushing yourself, you’re going to need an artificial hip joint before you hit 60. So please, turn it down a notch for now. We have a few more weeks to get you ready for that trip of yours,” Matthews continued firmly, and Jay nodded again. “Sorry. I’ll do better,” Jay said with a small smile, and Matthews smiled too, shaking his head. “Right. Sure. Get outta here, Halstead.”

On his way home, Jay mustered up the strength to stop by the city social services center. He sat in the lobby, waited with half of Chicago it felt like, and after a small eternity it was his turn to present his case. Even though he only had two out of the three papers he needed, he still wanted to get a start on the revocation process. The overworked employee behind the protective glass didn’t seem too happy that Jay was unable to complete the application form, but nonetheless reluctantly filed all the information and paperwork Jay already had. “And it’s okay if the last file is sent over digitally?” Jay checked for the dozenth time, and the employee nodded with a sigh. Jay thanked him again and turned to leave. The employee loudly declared NEXT before Jay was even fully out of the way. 

Jay had a bit over two hours to spare when he got to Hank’s before his recertification class started. Honestly, it made no sense to him. He still had his right foot, the one you mostly use when driving, automatics that is. And Jay couldn’t even remember the last time he had seen a manual. But, if the insurance company wanted him to do this class then there was no room to argue. Jay would get a mark on his license about only being allowed to drive automatic cars after he’d completed the class. He would need to order a new license with the updated information, and then he’d be good to go. If he survives the online class. 

He did. Barely. It was the most boring, dull lecture he had ever attended, and having the class online only made it ten times worse. A handful of others participated in the class - if you can call it participating. The lecturer, a wrinkly old man, spoke in a flat, unenthusiastic tone the entire time, and when he asked questions from the ‘class’, no one answered. The old man would answer the question himself and then continue his tiring monologue. And what was supposed to be a two hour lesson felt like several days at times. But Jay had survived worse. Much worse. So, at the end of the lesson, the lecturer gave everyone a pass and a reference number to use for their new license applications. Jay filled his immediately in the hopes that it would get picked up on the same day as it wasn’t past four yet. 

Monday..?

He was getting tunnel vision. It used to happen all the time when he was overseas with the Rangers and they had an important operation coming up. He would slowly start to tune out everything unimportant around him. The surroundings around him, voices and people, they all became blurred in the background. All that mattered was the op, and the people involved in it. He’d go over every piece of intel to memorize all of it, checked his equipment and weapons over the course of several days. He checked on his buddies to make sure they were solid and good to go. All that mattered was the success of the operation.

Jay hadn’t expected to sink into that similar state in Chicago. But his days had been routine for him for a while now, so it was easy to get lost in them. Run almost every morning. Therapy, physical therapy, therapy. Squeeze in a jogging date with Aiden at the park, swim class with Tony. Call or text Hailey whenever possible. Don’t forget Green and the group chat. Cook meals and organize the freezer stash. Do physical therapy at home, and remember the stretching. 

Jay hadn’t seen Hailey in a week. He couldn’t even remember the last time he saw Kevin. Before Seattle? Kim and Adam he’d seen on Wednesday. Hank, they usually crossed paths once or twice a day. And Torres? They hadn’t interacted at all since independence day. Jay wasn’t doing much better with Will either. They’d texted maybe twice since Jay came back from Chicago. 

The only one that Jay miraculously did see regularly, even more than Hank, was Trudy. She’d show up at Hank’s unannounced with a bag full of groceries for the oddest meal Jay could think of. Most of the time Jay had no idea how she even knew that he would be home when she came over. But Jay had learned not to question the mighty Trudy Platt years ago, and he wasn’t about to start now. So he and Trudy would spend a few hours cooking and hanging around, not talking much, especially not about anything important. 

Trudy was there today too. When Jay was carrying all of his earthly possessions with him to his new apartment. Was it pathetic, a little sad that everything he owned could fit into three and a half bags? Trudy didn’t seem to think so. “You’re the only one I can help with moving. If we can fit everything into my car and make one ride then hell yes, I’m here for you,” she said with unusual happiness as she pushed Jay’s wheelchair into the flat. Even that had folded nicely into her car. “Well, I appreciate it. I didn’t know who else to ask, or not that I had to ask you either. How do you do that by the way, always show up when it’s convenient?” Jay had to ask despite knowing better. Trudy scoffed and brought a hand to her chest. “You wound me, Chuckles. You should know by now, a lady never tells her secrets,” she finished with a wink and took in the apartment. Well, didn’t hurt to ask. Jay chuckled - he somehow seemed to do that a lot when Trudy was around - and pulled the door close behind him. 

Trudy left a couple of hours later. There wasn’t much to do in terms of organizing as again, Jay didn’t have much. The pair explored the now furnished apartment and gave their approvals. It was just perfect for Jay. Trudy had also left for a quick grocery run, and Jay had used that time to fetch the red solo cup from on top of the fridge. He stealthily transported it to his bedroom, inside the nightstand. He’d deal with it later at a more appropriate time. Trudy returned with some basic groceries, and after helping Jay get started with a meal, she had to get back to her own life. Jay thanked her one last time as she slipped out the front door, leaving Jay alone in his brand new, own apartment. 

Jay sat on his garden bench. He’d decided to eat outside and multitask, he wanted to plan out his yard’s layout. But as he ate, he found himself unable to think about garden beds, plants or solar powered garden lights. His thoughts kept escaping to Bolivia, to Mendoza. He sighed and forced himself to swallow the last of his meal. Two and a half weeks. He’d just have to push through it for less than three weeks, and then he would get his life back. His life with Hailey… whatever that meant.

Chapter Text

Bmzzz. Hailey’s eyes shot to her phone. She might have adjusted the vibration pattern of Jay’s calls and messages to a unique one, different from everyone else’s. So she could always tell immediately when it was Jay. Hailey had passed Trudy earlier at the precinct, and the desk sergeant had been pleased to report that Jay was fully moved into his new apartment. Hailey had wanted to be there too to help Jay move but alas, she didn’t have the sergeant’s rank to use as leverage and take off. 

‘There’s some leftovers in the fridge if you want to stop by after shift. Mango ice cream for dessert.’ Hailey’s mouth watered at the mere mention of the ice cream. She glanced at the clock. 6.23. The team had been working overtime almost daily now, ever since Torres had been transferred to patrol on a temporary assignment. At first she’d been thrilled, Torres needed to be put in line. But now they were a man down, and the workload was piling up rapidly. Hailey’s fingers flew across the keyboard as she typed her response: ‘If Voight lets us go before seven then I’ll come. It’ll be too late otherwise, have to be up early again tomorrow.’ She forced herself to put the phone down and focus on work again. She somehow managed to ignore the buzz of the phone when Jay’s reply came, and instead she screwed her gaze hard into the screen of her computer. She ended up ripping a small piece from a post it note and covered the clock on the screen with it because she found herself watching the time more than doing work. 

“You can go, Upton,” Hank’s voice startled her. Huh? Had she been staring at the screen this whole time? “Admirable battle you have there. But you lost, and it’s making the team miserable. Go home. Or wherever Halstead’s waiting,” Hank continued with… with a hint of a smile on his lips? Hailey looked around the bullpen to see if her teammates were truly affected. And o behold, Kevin, Kim and Adam all had their fists in their mouths in an attempt to stop from bursting into laughter. “Was I really that bad?” Hailey asked with slightly red cheeks. “Yeah. Man, it was pathetic. Adam threw a pencil at you and you didn’t even notice,” Kevin managed to say before submitting to the laughter, and Adam and Kim were quick to join him. “Oh, ha ha. Very funny. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Hailey deadpanned and hurried to save and close the file she had attempted to work on. “Don’t be too late tomorrow,” Adam wheezed out between bursts of laughter, and Hailey flipped him the bird as she rushed down the steps to leave. 

She sat behind the wheel and grabbed her phone to text Jay that she would be there in twenty, but didn’t get that far when she finally read Jay’s reply from earlier. ‘I mean you can stay over. If going by your place takes too much time.’ Fucking hell, Jay. What was she supposed to think? She considered bailing on him then and there. Go home and make up an excuse. But… she wanted to go. ‘Should be about twenty minutes.’ 

Twenty two and a half minutes later, Hailey was in the same parking spot as she was a week ago. So much yet so little had changed since then. The butterflies that had started gathering in her stomach about ten minutes ago were swarming around with the force of a small tornado. She itched to go inside and see Jay. Maybe even hug him. His arms were gentle yet strong, and she used to love the way he hugged him every morning when they woke up in the same bed. He’d pull her against his chest, wrapping his arms around her and just held her there. He rarely said anything, just breathed her in with closed eyes, a sly smirk on his lips. Oh, how she missed mornings like that. Nowadays she woke up alone, slightly too cold no matter how thick the duvet was. 

Seeing Jay when he opened the door was like a warm gust of wind that burrowed itself into Hailey’s bones, warming her from inside. “Glad you could make it after all,” Jay said shyly as he moved to let her in. She didn’t miss the slight limp in his step. “You okay?” she questioned as she shook off her jacket that she didn’t even need to be wearing. Jay glanced at his legs, made an oh - face and smiled a little. “Oh this? It’s nothing, just a bit too long of a run earlier. I’m taking it easy and have been scolded by others,” Jay explained as he led Hailey to the kitchen, stealthily trying to use the newly installed furniture as support. But Hailey noticed. “You never were good at taking it easy,” she mused as they arrived at the kitchen. “You can go ahead grab a plate and I’ll take the leftovers from the fridge,” Jay said casually. There was something so... domestic the way he said it. Like Hailey had missed dinner and Jay had put the food aside for when she eventually came home from work... It never happened in the past as they both worked at the same place and would get home at the same time. And yet, it felt so familiar and normal. The way she handed Jay the plate and he scooped up a serving of pasta and homemade tomato sauce with meatballs, and handed it back to Hailey to put in the microwave. The way Jay carried a bowl of salad to the table, and Hailey got herself a glass of water and some utensils. How Jay sat down and waited for her to bring the heated meal to the table and start eating. It all felt like this was how things were supposed to be. 

“I wonder if I'll ever get used to your cooking. This is so good,” Hailey said as she used a piece of Jay’s homemade bread to wipe the plate clean of the tomato sauce. Her comment made Jay duck his head with a shy smile. “I’m glad you like it. Ice cream?” he said and put his hand on the table to use for support.” “It’s okay, let me,” Hailey rushed to say and stood up. Jay leaned back in surrender. “I don’t know if I have dessert bowls. Just take anything,” he advised as she carried her dirty dishes to the kitchen. It didn’t take her long to return with a tub of ice cream and two spoons. Jay chuckled, “Sure, that works too.”

They were in the garden again. The ice cream had been demolished a long time ago by now. They sat on the bench, a throw blanket wrapped around each other’s shoulders. “And then maybe a raised garden bed over there, that seems to be the sunniest spot. I don’t want too much though, the winters are a bit harsh,” Jay finished explaining his plans for the yard’s layout. Hailey had been listening and nodding along, mesmerized by Jay’s passion. She’d never seen these sides of him before. The man who was deeply passionate about cooking and using fresh ingredients, the man who could - and literally had just - spent hours talking about gardening and planting vegetables and flowers and fruit trees. The Jay she knew was a man of few, chosen words, closed off walls and scarce signs of affections. But she liked this Jay more. Her heart ached for the cost it had required. He’d had to sacrifice and give so much. Was it all worth it..? “I can’t wait to see how it looks when it’s finished,” Hailey commented when Jay had been silent for a while. Their shoulders were leaned against each other, her head ever so slightly resting against him.  “I don’t think I’ll do anything this year, I mean it’s basically fall already. And you know, I have more important things to do first..,” Jay’s voice trailed off as he spoke. Yeah, Bolivia. “Do you still want to go?” Hailey whispered quietly. She didn’t know why she asked, she already knew what the answer would be. “I have to. I already rescheduled my Med appointments. Or I guess, canceled them indefinitely. I’m not sure how long I’ll be gone for,” his reply was quiet yet determined. “I just wanted to check,” Hailey replied softly to make sure Jay didn’t misunderstand her intentions. She sighed and looked around. It was getting dark, too dark. “I should probably get going, don’t want to be late tomorrow..,” she muttered absentmindedly. Jay gently nudged her shoulder with his. “I meant what I said earlier. You can stay too, if you want,” he suggested carefully. Hailey turned her head to meet his eyes. He looked uncertain yet hopeful. “Is that a good idea?” Hailey asked hesitantly, butterflies back in her stomach. “I don’t have any ulterior motives, I just... I miss you,” he admitted softly and reached for her hand. She let him take it. The added contact felt good. “I’m so going to regret the walk of shame to the bullpen tomorrow..,” she muttered with a playful smile. “Is that a yes then?” Jay asked, hope evident in his voice. She nodded, and squeezed his hand. “I will push you off the bed if you try anything though,” she said in mock seriousness and stood up, pulling Jay with him. Jay rolled his eyes with a smile. “I always behave..,” he muttered and let Hailey pull him towards the apartment. “Sure, Halstead. If that helps you sleep well at night.” 

Jay had left her one of his larger t-shirts on the bed. He was currently in the bathroom, discreetly giving her some privacy to change clothes. She didn’t know how to ask, so she was grateful for his initiative. How do you ask for your ex husband to give you the room when you’re changing into your pajamas..? She hadn’t got the slightest idea. Hailey folded her clothes into a neat pile, foolishly convinced that if she made sure they didn’t get all wrinkled up, the team wouldn’t realize she was wearing the same exact outfit two days in a row. Even if they knew she was going to see Jay. Even if they all had been detectives for a decade, or more. Yeah. She was a fool. “Sorry I didn’t have anything better for you,” Jay pulled her out of her thoughts by returning from the bathroom. “It’s fine, this is perfect,” Hailey said a tad too quickly. The nerves were getting the better of her. Either Jay didn’t notice or he was being polite and didn’t comment on it. “Umm, you can pick a side. Sorry that the bed’s a bit small. Couldn’t fit a larger one, I need the space just in case, umm. You know, for the wheelchair,” Jay muttered with... embarrassment? “You never need to apologize for that, Jay. It’s okay,” Hailey said and chose a side closer to the window. She slid under the covers - Jay only had one duvet unlike what they used to have. Both of them had a habit of stealing the duvet, so they solved the issue by buying two separate ones. But for tonight, they would have to get along and share. Jay seemed pleased with her choice of sides. Jay reached for the small lamp on his nightstand and flicked it on. He then walked to the light switch for the main lamp on the ceiling. “Umm, I hope you don’t mind,” his tone was low, deflective. Hailey raised her brows in confusion. “No, go ahead,” she replied and curiously waited for Jay to do… whatever it was that he was planning on. Jay nodded slightly and turned off the lights, making the room mostly dark, the small night light offering little relief. Jay walked back to the bed and sat down, his back to Hailey. She couldn’t see much, but it was clear that Jay was taking his prosthetic off. Was he suddenly feeling shy and self conscious about it? Is that why he wanted darkness? He continued with undressing, first taking off his shorts and leaving on a pair of boxers. Again, nothing Hailey hasn’t seen before. Then he glanced over his shoulder, and was met with a gentle smile from Hailey. Jay tried to match it, but couldn’t quite manage. He then reached for the collar of his shirt, and pulled it over his head, and tossed it to the floor. She couldn’t really see anything unusual. Not that she was really looking that carefully. Jay leaned back and got settled under the covers, trying his best to give Hailey enough space. She was on her side, facing Jay, who was stiff as a stick on his back, arms glued to his sides. “Come on, you don’t have to be like that,” she teased with a roll of her eyes. Jay hummed but didn’t change positions. “Night, Hailey,” he said and flipped off the night light. Hailey fumbled in the dark, reaching with her hand to touch Jay’s shoulder. “Sleep well, Jay.” 

Hmm? What’s this..? Hailey’s sleep muffled brain tried to make sense of the situation. She was partially laying on top of an… arm? Oh. Jay. One of them must have moved in their sleep as she was now halfway to being pulled against Jay’s chest. All Jay needed to do was bend his arm, and she would roll over and end up leaning against him. Okay then. Hailey let her eyes slip closed, and sleep consumed her again quickly. 

His toes weren’t cold. That was the first thought she had when she woke up. It didn’t take long for her senses to register the way she was curled up against Jay’s side, head resting on his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. She felt like home. She was home. “Morning,” his voice was low and raspy, just like Hailey loved it in the mornings. He didn’t seem to realize how they were wrapped around each other, or he simply didn’t care. “Hi,” Hailey whispered with a sly smile. She nuzzled closed and breathed him in. How she missed the way he smelled. “I can hear you thinking,” he muttered, his chin moving up and down against Hailey’s hair. “You’re warm,” she whispered, afraid that loud noise would snap them out of their little haze. “I don’t feel sick,” he mumbled and shifted under Hailey. She held her breath, worried that he would fully wake up and realize that they were practically cuddling. But he didn’t pull away. “No, I meant your feet,” Hailey replied softly. Jay hummed. “My foot? What about it?” he asked with a low voice, and Hailey could imagine the confusion in his face. “Your feet used to be so cold, I hated waking up with your cold feet pressed against my legs,” she murmured and turned her head to look at him. “Oh. Turns out that getting your leg chopped off does wonders to your circulation. Not as many spots to reach I guess,” Jay replied with a dry laugh. Oh. “That… makes sense I guess. I’m sorry, this is awkward,” Hailey replied with a low voice laced with a hint of embarrassment. Jay wiggled his hand free from under the covers and brought it against Hailey’s cheek. “It’s fine. That’s how I am now.” 

“Don’t you need to get up soon?” Jay muttered some time later. Hailey blinked slowly. She must have dozed off again. “What time is it?” she managed to ask, sleep tugging heavily at her eyelids. Jay shifted under her. “Thirty minutes past five. I can make you breakfast?” he suggested. Hailey hummed and stretched her neck. Plenty of time until she was expected at work. “That sounds good,” she whispered and let her eyes fall closed again. She felt Jay pulling free from under her, and adjusting the covers around her. He stroked a few of her loose hairs from her face, and swooped them behind her ear. “I’ll come get you when it’s finished,” he whispered and distanced himself from Hailey. She missed his body heat already. 

“Pancakes with mangoes, and fresh coffee,” Jay’s voice carried from the door. Hailey groaned when Jay flipped on the lights. She might have even made a little hissing sound as she pulled the covers over her head. “I’ll give you a minute,” Jay said with a chuckle and shut the door. Hailey stayed under the covers a while longer before she got her shit together and threw them aside. Sat up and rubbed her eyes. “Those better be damn good pancakes..,” she muttered and forced herself off the bed to get dressed. 

“These are damn good pancakes,” Hailey declared when she finished her fourth one. Jay had smashed mangoes and mixed them into the batter, and had sliced fresh mangoes into thin slices and served them as a side. Even the damn coffee was somehow better than ever before. “I take breakfast very seriously. Got to start the day with a high quality meal. Added some protein powder to the flour mix. Keeps you going until lunch,” Jay explained as he sipped his coffee. “You’re treating me too well. My own cooking won’t satisfy me at this pace,” Hailey teased with a smile. Jay looked thoughtful for a moment before he responded. “You can come back tonight if you want. You don’t have to cook,” he said slowly. Hailey faltered. Huh? “Umm, I don’t think that’s a good idea..,” she said hesitantly and stood up, half finished mug of coffee in hand. Something bubbled up inside her. Panic? Regret? Or fear? She didn’t know. “I have to go,” she said and hurried to empty the mug into the sink. She placed the mug down with a loud clunk. “Hailey..,” Jay tried but she was already halfway out the door. He hurried after her, but only made it a few steps into the hall. “I’m sorry,” she said as she pulled the front door closed. Jay was left alone, a hand against the drawer. And it wasn’t because of his sore residual limb that made him need the support. 

— —

What the hell.., Hailey thought when she sat down behind the wheel of her car. The butterflies were gone. Dead in her stomach, and turned into acidic mush of mixed emotions. She wanted to stay with him, be with him, return again that night. But something in her disagreed. Logic, brains, common sense? She didn’t know. She contemplated calling or texting Jay, apologize or something. But she didn’t know what to say, how to say it. So she left her phone on the passenger seat, started the engine and sped off before she could change her mind. 

She was early. Almost suspiciously so. She could still taste the breakfast on her lips. Her hand came up and wiped across her lips. She let it drop back down with a sigh. She couldn’t see the other’s cars in the parking area yet. Hailey took her phone from the passenger seat and checked the time. One new message. From Jay. Should she open it..? She didn’t want to, but avoiding it unfortunately won’t make it go away. She held her breath as she pressed on the message, and it opened. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to corner you. But. You’re still welcome back tonight if you want. Miss you, Jay.’ She didn’t know how to respond. So she didn’t. 

The bullpen was almost eerily quiet. It had been a while since Hailey had stayed overnight to avoid going home, alone in her empty apartment. She went to the break room to get a fresh pot of coffee going. And just as she returned to her desk to turn on her computer, Voight walked in. “Upton,” he said with an odd expression and walked past her without stopping. “Morning, sarge,” she replied, taken aback by his attitude. But she didn’t have time to dwell on it as Kevin was walking up the stairs followed by Adam and Kim. “Oh, morning Hailey,” Kevin greeted when he saw her. Here we go, Hailey thought to herself. “Morning,” she replied, pretending that nothing was off. Kevin and Adam both walked past her and straight into the break room for coffee, but Kim eyed her with suspicion and slowed her pace. “Hailey,” she said with a teasing smile. Hailey acted like she had no idea what Kim was talking about. Her tone had gained Adam and Kevin’s attention too, both men had returned from the break room with mugs filled with coffee. “I like your outfit. You must too since you had it yesterday, too,” Kim continued and winked at her. The audacity. Hailey sighed. “Yeah. This is one of my favorite tops,” she imitated an oblivious tone. “Oh… Oh! You stayed with Jay,” Adam’s light bulb was a bit slow to turn on, but he too eventually got there. “Does this mean that team Upstead is back?” Kevin asked with a smile too wide and bright for so early in the morning. “Team what now?” Hailey asked with raised brows. “You know, Halstead and Upton. Upstead,” Kevin explained, still smiling widely. “No. Absolutely not,” Hailey said firmly. That was the stupidest name she had ever heard. “But you did stay the night, didn’t you?” Adam questioned with a smirk. A smirk that made Hailey want to punch him in the face. “Why is this any of your business anyway?” Hailey said with a sigh and tried to focus on the computer screen. “You did! You stayed with Jay!” Adam exclaimed and playfully nudged Hailey’s shoulder. “Fine! I stayed the night, okay. But nothing happened. Not that it’s any of your business,” she finally admitted, heat rising to her cheeks. Hailey’s teammates all started talking and cheering at the same time, and Hailey could barely take it. “Alright, that’s enough. Back to work,” Hank’s voice carried from the office door. The team muttered and mumbled for a while longer before hesitantly retreating to their desks. 

Hailey waited for things to settle down before she reached for her phone. She glanced around to see the others focused on work. She opened the conversation with Jay. After another look around the bullpen one more time, she typed and sent a message to Jay. ‘No, I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I’ll… I’ll see you tonight. * smiley face *.’ 

Chapter Text

Hailey returned to Jay’s that night. They didn’t speak about what had happened that morning, there was nothing to say. Jay had cooked a new meal, and this time it was fresh off the stove when Hailey arrived. “Puréed vegetable soup. Easy to stock up in the freezer. I like to cook but not every single meal, every single day, you know?” Jay explained once they were both seated with a bowl of steaming soup in front of them. “You don’t need to tell me. I can barely cook once a week,” Hailey replied. Jay shook his head with a fond smile. “You leave that to me.” 

The team kept teasing Hailey almost every morning, and she kept returning to Jay’s apartment. She hurried home once, only to stuff a large duffel bag with a bunch of clothes to have something clean and different to wear. Jay of course had a laundry machine, but that didn’t help with the fact that her nosy coworkers kept commenting on her repeating outfits. So, she arrived at Jay's apartment one night with a duffel flung over her shoulder, and Jay didn’t question it at all. He just held the door open with a small smile, the smell of garlic in his hair. 

“I asked the team to stop by tomorrow. Sit everyone down, talk about, you know,” Jay said one Saturday morning when they had just finished their breakfast. Hailey knew. They needed to talk about Bolivia. Somehow the date of Jay’s departure had crept up on her, them both. They had less than a week together until he had to go. Hailey had talked with Green, Ruiz, and a few other guys in Jay’s unit.  She hadn’t meant to, but Jay had a video call open with them when she came home to Jay’s one night. It felt rude not to say hi, and suddenly the group was making fun of Jay with all their might. Hailey had even spoken with Bennett. The man who was the reason why Jay extended his contract. Initially, she worried that it would be awkward. But turns out Bennett was a great guy. And an even better father, he spent most of his time talking about his twins. It warmed Hailey’s heart, knowing that the man had been able to witness the birth of his children. All thanks to Jay. Even if it had cost Jay too much.

“When are they supposed to be here?” Hailey asked after she finished thinking back to the conversations with Jay’s unit. “I asked them to come after lunch. So maybe around two. I don’t think we’ll have the appetite to eat my cooking,” Jay replied and stood to gather up the dishes. Hailey was still in her thoughts, otherwise she would have stood up to help. So much effort for him, Hailey thought as she watched Jay wheel himself from the dining area to the kitchen, lap full of dishes. At some point Jay had gotten more relaxed with her around, and didn’t always use his prosthetic when she was there. Today was one of those days. “You don’t have to feel sorry by the way,” Jay’s voice carried from the kitchen. Hm? How does he always know..? “Sorry. I just feel like I just sit here all the time while you do everything,” she replied and pushed herself up, and walked over to the kitchen, where Jay was standing by the sink and washing the dishes. “Let me at least rinse and dry them,” she offered and claimed a spot next to him. “Thanks. I don’t mind it, cooking and cleaning. It’s for you so it’s different,” Jay replied with a small smile. When did he get like this..? Hailey wondered that question almost daily nowadays. Jay was never the one to jump at the chance to do chores around the house. “Do you ever miss it?” Hailey found herself asking. Jay’s hands froze, the plate in his grasp dripping water over the counter. “Miss what?” Jay asked even though he had a pretty good idea what she meant. Hailey reached for the plate and gently pried it free of his hold. “Being a cop. The unit, the thrill, long nights and stakeouts.., all of it,” Hailey explained softly and rinsed the plate from soap. Jay sighed deeply and reached for the next dish in the sink. His hand reached around the soapy water, searching for something to clean. His effort wasn’t rewarded. All of the dishes were clean. “Every minute of every day,” he replied and pulled the plug from the bottom of the sink to let the water drain. He wiped his hands dry on his shirt, and turned to look at Hailey, using the counter for support. “People never expect me to admit it though.But it doesn’t help to get stuck in it. Cooking helps, and baking. Cleaning too. Seeing the physical evidence that my efforts were worth something, that I can still do something. Hobbies, having something to do on a regular basis. I try, but it’s hard almost every day,” he continued and Hailey could see the longing in his eyes. “Would you.. come back if you could?” she asked and placed the final plate on the rack. Jay chewed on his bottom lip, brows furrowed in thought. “No.” The answer surprised Hailey. She wanted to question it, argue. But she didn’t. “Okay,” her voice was stiff, awkward. Jay gave her a small smile and pushed himself upright. He hopped forward once, toward his wheelchair. He got seated with ease, plenty of practice under his belt by now. But still, Hailey’s heart ached. 

“Do you think I should be here too, tomorrow I mean?” Hailey asked later that day. They were in the yard, soaking in the sun, just enjoying each other’s company. Jay was still without his prosthetic, only the wheelchair had been changed to crutches. “Why would you need to leave?” he asked, head tilted to the side. “I just didn’t want to assume. That you’d want me, us, to be together with the team,” Hailey replied, and she couldn’t keep the anxiety and insecurity away from her voice. “Don’t they already know that you’re here with me? They seriously haven’t figured it out?” Jay chuckled with a shake of a head. Hailey crossed her arms and attempted an unamused expression, but the small smile on her lips was a dead giveaway. “No, they know. Figured it out the first morning. But I just meant that we don’t have to be together together if you don’t want to,” she replied, and Jay raised his brows in amusement. “Oh, we are? Together I mean,” Jay asked with a tone Hailey couldn’t decipher. “I thought…I thought we were? Unless you don’t want us to be together?” she answered, slightly hurt. Jay reached for her hand, and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Of course I do. You should know that by now. I just meant that I didn’t know if we put a label on this. Are we… together, dating or..?” Jay spoke softly. He brought Hailey’s hand to his lips and planted a gentle kiss on it, lips barely touching her skin. The gesture was enough to wash away all the worries and uncertainty that Hailey had. “I think I’d like that, yeah. Dating. Or something, together.”

25th of August, early afternoon 

“I don’t see her car, do you?” Adam asked from the passenger seat of Kevin’s car. Jay had texted them and suggested they share a ride as he only had one reserved parking spot, and the spots reserved for guests were often filled. “Maybe she isn’t here. Jay specifically invited us three, not her, Voight or Dante,” Kim suggested from the back seat. Kevin pulled into Jay’s spot, and looked around. “I don’t see it either. Maybe she’s home?” he offered to a disbelieving Adam. “You’ve both seen her spring out the precinct every night for the past what, almost two weeks? Trust me, she’s here,” he insisted and kept looking around trying to spot her car. “Well, maybe she’s running late, or out for errands,” Kevin countered with slightly more bite than he meant as he opened the door to exit the vehicle. Kevin had been slightly offended that Jay hadn’t personally told him about Bolivia. He had to hear it from Adam, and look, it’s not a big deal, right? But really? After everything Kevin had done for Jay earlier? He at least deserved a text, phone call, something, if not a face to face conversation. At first, Kevin thought that Jay hadn’t had the chance to tell him yet. That Adam just beat him to it. But days passed by and Jay didn’t reach out to talk about it. And Kevin didn’t ask. So here he was, in the parking lot of Jay’s apartment, waiting for answers to questions he didn’t know. “Well, let’s just go in and see if she’s here or not. No need to bite each other’s heads off about it,” Kim tried to defuse the situation as she took the lead and walked in front of the men towards the building. “Yeah man, sorry Ruz. I didn’t mean anything by it,” Kevin apologized and offered his fist to Adam. The other man bumped it immediately with his own fist. “Don’t worry about it, man. I get it. Let’s get this over with.”

When the door to Jay’s apartment opened the trio were met with the one and only Hailey Upton. “Hey? Come on in,” her voice was awkward, nervous. She moved aside to let her coworkers in before closing the door. “Jay’s still getting dressed, you can just go ahead and sit down,” she explained from behind them. “Oh? Did we interrupt someth- OW! What’s that for?” Adam teased but was interrupted by a firm smack from Kim. She shook her head with a frown, but a smile was on her lips. “Just walk ahead, cowboy,” Kim scolded and gave him a gentle shove on the back. Fucking hell.., Hailey thought and felt her cheeks getting red from embarrassment. Her and Jay hadn’t done anything. There was nothing to interrupt.

“I just didn’t have my prosthetic on until now. That’s all,” Jay appeared from the bedroom to Hailey’s rescue. He gestured for everyone to take a seat, and he too sat down. “Everything okay? With you know, your leg?” Kim asked when the silence stretched to an uncomfortable length. “Oh, it’s fine. I’m just trying to rest it when I can. For Bolivia,” Jay was thankful for the opportunity to lead the conversation straight to Bolivia. He wasn’t sure how he would have approached it otherwise. Jay hadn’t expected everyone to tense at the mention of Bolivia, but wasn’t surprised either. But Kevin’s reaction was more noticeable than others. “Why’d you want us here?” Kevin asked bluntly. He just wanted to get this over with. “Oh. Umm, I just wanted to explain, do things differently than last time,” Jay stuttered with his words a little, taken aback by Kevin’s tone. He looked around the room, studying the faces of his ex-teammates. Jay hadn’t expected this to be quick and easy, yet it was hard to see how... disapproving they all were. “Listen, I know there’s nothing I can say to make this better. But you also need to agree with me that I can make my own decisions,” Jay continued and mustered up some authority. “No one is saying you’re incapable of making decisions. We just, we don’t want to lose you. Again,” Kim was the one to reply first. She had always been that person. The one who tried to meet you halfway and went out her way to try and see your perspective. Jay was thankful to have her here, maybe her presence would help the others to see his perspective too. “I don’t want to lose you guys either. But I will lose myself if I don’t go,” Jay replied softly. “What would you do in my situation? If the man responsible for doing... horrible things to you was within your grasp? Would you just trust that someone else saw it through, or would you want to finish what you started and get some justice?” The team remained silent, mulling over what had just been said. “I’d imagine I would do the same exact thing,” Adam admitted after thinking it through. “I don’t think I ever.. didn’t want you to not go. It just came out of the blue. Took me by surprise,” he finished and gave Jay a small nod of approval. “I think I was just upset that Makayla had to hear it like that. But Adam’s right, you caught us by surprise. Are you... ready? Physically?” Kim piggybacked on Adam’s comments, and voiced her concerns about Jay’s wellbeing. She wasn’t the only one thinking it, just the first to say it out loud. “I will be. I’m as good as I can be, I cleared it with my doctors. I’m good to observe, be part of the recovery team,” Jay explained, the amount of excitement in his voice might have been worrying to some. 

Kevin still hadn’t said anything. Just sat, or more like sulked, with crossed arms and a firm look on his face. It had been almost an hour since they had arrived, with Kim and Adam carrying the conversation and Jay answering their questions. Hailey butted in here and there, but mostly she just sat on the armrest next to Jay, hovering just out of reach. It annoyed him. Kevin that is. How casually everyone else was taking it. The way Jay spoke about Bolivia like it was just a trip to the coast to enjoy the beach. The way Jay and Hailey were acting like two lovebirds. … Okay, fine. Maybe Kevin was a bit more hurt by Jay not telling him than he originally thought. “Do you guys want a tour of my little sanctuary?” Jay addressed his question to Adam and Kim. Okay. That’s fine. Kevin doesn’t care. “Sure, sounds good,” Adam said and stood up. To their surprise, Jay turned to Hailey and nodded to her, indicating that she should show the couple around. “I think Kev and I have some unfinished business,” Jay said carefully and waited for Hailey to lead Kim and Adam elsewhere.

“I’m sorry, Kev. I think I know what this is about. I should have told you days, no, weeks ago,” Jay started when they were alone, or as alone as they could be in such a small apartment. Kevin finally seemed to find his tongue. “If you’re so sorry then why didn’t you tell me?” he snapped. “Because you were the only one who could have changed my mind!” Jay admitted loudly. That was probably the only thing Kevin didn’t expect Jay to say. “Me? Why me?” he stuttered the words out. Jay leaned forward in his seat, eyes focused on Kevin. “Because you were there for me from the beginning. I didn’t ask you to, but you still showed up. You were the only one who treated me almost the same. I felt like I owed you, I still do. So I feared that if I told you earlier, you would have made me change my mind about going. And at first I might have been fine with it. But I know I would have ended up resenting you for it.” It was a lot for Kevin to hear at once, the man stayed silent for several minutes, processing everything. “But why do you think I would have told you to stay?” he eventually asked. He didn’t want to admit it out loud, but Jay was right. He would have asked him to stay. Hell, he still wanted to. A one legged man with traumatic flashbacks so severe that you attack your friends without meaning to? Yeah, not exactly an obedient soldier candidate. “Kev. I can see it in your face. You don’t think I’m well enough. And you’re right. I’ll probably never be well enough again. But I will work with what I have, I don’t have a choice. I have to continue forward. I’m not looking to go back there long term. Would I want to? Of course I would. Can I? No. I have to accept that, and take what I can. If one last mission is all I’m getting then so be it. I can live with that. Can you?” 

— —

“He’s planning on turning this into a small garden, raised garden beds and fruit trees and all that,” Hailey explained to Kim and Adam. They had toured the interior pretty quickly, and Hailey had tried to think of something to prolong their tour, and the yard and Jay’s plans for it were perfect. “He actually spent over two hours explaining everything to me, he has a folder on his phone for inspiration. Can you believe that?” Hailey added as an afterthought. Her audience was amused. “I actually can’t. Our Jay? Likes gardening? No way,” Adam let out an exaggerated gasp and laughed when he couldn’t fake his shock any longer. Hailey sat cross armed but couldn’t help but smile at Adam’s antics. She’s missed this. The teasing, usually started by Adam, on Jay’s behalf. They were sort of the opposite of each other. Adam and Jay. Generally speaking, Jay was more reserved and serious, whereas Kim often liked to refer to Adam as a man child - in a good way! He was lighthearted, and found humor in almost any situation you could think of. Within reason of course. Jay had witty remarks and a sassy attitude, and Adam was playful and the team jokester. It had been almost two years since the duo had been jabbing each other, and it warmed Hailey’s heart to see the team united once more. If only Kevin came around.

“It’s weird. Isn’t it?” Kim mused some time later. They were still in the yard, letting Kevin and Jay sort it out. “What’s that?” Adam asked and he and Hailey looked at her curiously. “If you told me five years ago that Jay, our tough guy Jay Halstead would be so into gardening and baking… I would have laughed at your face,” Kim continued, and got a few laughs from the others. “Yeah. He’s different from before,” Hailey said absentmindedly, a hint of regret and longing in her voice. “And you two, are you different?” Kim asked, not exactly teasing but something similar. Hailey hummed and chewed her bottom lip in thought. “Maybe? Yes. We can’t be the same after all that,” she settled on saying. Adam's eyes lit up at that, and a small smirk was growing on his lips. “So are you two officially together again or something?” he asked excitedly. This time, Hailey didn’t try to hide her shy smile. “Or something. I was so angry at him for so long. He really hurt me. But..,” her voice trailed off. “You love him. You can’t just make that go away,” Kim finished for her. Spot on. “Yeah... We both know we still have a lot to figure out, but I think we both are willing to try, I don’t know, things feel more serious now than they ever did before, if that makes sense,” Hailey replied softly. Kim nodded her head. “It does. I get it.”

“You think it’s safe to go back in yet? I promised Makayla we wouldn’t be gone for long,” Kim questioned. Adam nodded along rapidly. “They had enough time. Let’s go, we’ve been hiding here for long enough,” he declared and ushered the two women towards the door. “What a gentleman, holding the door for us,” Kim joked under her breath, quiet enough that only Hailey heard her. They snickered together, a confused Adam trailing behind. 

They found Kevin and Jay in the living room, in the same seats where they had left them. Unlike before, the atmosphere was more relaxed. “You two best friends again?” Adam quipped and plopped into his seat from before. “Him? My best friend? Outrageous, never,” Kevin teased and Jay rolled his eyes with a smile. All was well again. “Kev, we should probably go soon. Makayla’s waiting and all that,” Kim said instead of taking a seat. Jay stood up, and looked around the room. You could feel the atmosphere changing, like the air shifted, becoming electrified. “Umm, I just wanted to say thanks. For everything. We probably won’t have time to see each other again before I leave. So thank you. I don’t know what else to say,” Jay said sincerely, and looked around the room to meet his ex-teammates eyes one by one. Kim approached him first, wrapping her hands around him. “There’s nothing to thank for, that’s what family is for,” she whispered to him before letting go. Kevin and Adam took turns to hug him too. “I promised I’d stay in contact with Hails whenever I can. I don’t know how much free time I have, but I’ll try and reach out to you guys as well,” Jay said as he started escorting Kevin, Adam and Kim to the door. “We can always pester Hailey for info. That way you two have more time to chat together,” Kim offered with a wink. Jay was thankful, he hadn’t wanted to suggest it himself, but he had been thinking about it. They reached the door, and the group came to a stop. “Well. This is it I guess,” Jay said and opened the door for them. The mood was somber, it was hard not to think about the last time Jay went to Bolivia. Would this time be different? They could only hope. The group said their quiet goodbyes, and wished that it wasn’t a final one. Jay watched as the team exited his apartment, and after one final look, he pulled the door shut. 

“You okay?” Hailey asked. She had quietly walked over after giving Jay a moment with the team. Now that they were gone, Jay’s facade was gone. “It was harder than I thought. Especially with Kevin. But I’ll be fine,” he said quietly and reached for Hailey’s hand. She offered it immediately. “Come on, let’s go watch some stupid reality tv and declare how much better our lives are,” she said and started pulling Jay after her. Jay followed willingly, welcoming the distraction. “As long as I get to cuddle with you,” he waggled his eyebrows. “Play your cards right and you just might, Halstead,” Hailey replied with a wink, and Jay picked up his pace. Things would be good, at least for a little bit longer. 

Chapter Text

Hailey didn’t want to go to sleep. Because he would leave tomorrow. And if she went to sleep, tomorrow would arrive faster. But if she stayed up, kept staring at his sleeping form, then she would have more time with him. 

She was angry with herself. She’d wasted so much time, being mad at Jay for leaving. But he came back. And she stayed mad. And now he was leaving again, and the knot in Hailey’s stomach had been getting worse and worse the closer Jay’s departure date got. She couldn’t help but think that things might have turned out differently if he had her support from the beginning. But it was too late now. The next time Hailey would go to bed, Jay wouldn’t be here. 

She had considered using her sick days, something, anything to get extra time with Jay. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. If she clung to him too tight then she wouldn’t be able to let him go. And it was too important to Jay, she couldn’t be that selfish and keep him here. So she bit her cheek, went to work, hurried back to Jay’s in the evenings, and they spent quiet evenings and nights together, soaking up each other’s company, not doing anything worthy of mention. Maybe they both knew that doing nothing made the time go slower, and gave them the illusion that they had more time together. 

But the great passing of time doesn’t stop, not even for Hailey Upton, recently in love again. “You don’t need to stare,” Jay muttered with a sleepy voice, startling Hailey. “I thought you were sleeping,” she replied and reached to stroke his hair. He nuzzled closer, melting under her gentle touch. “Hard to when you’re thinking so loud,” he whispered, eyes still closed and halfway to sleep already. She hummed softly, and continued running her fingers through his hair, occasionally massaging his scalp. “I just don’t want tomorrow to come,” she admitted quietly. Jay either didn’t hear, or simply didn’t have an answer. Hailey couldn’t stop the small huff that escaped her. His ability to sleep was impressive, even if he didn’t sleep as restfully and for the whole night anymore. 

“Did you fill your prescription like I suggested?” Hailey asked while she was still fairly certain that Jay wasn’t fully asleep yet. She had spent an unhealthy amount of time worrying about his pain management in Bolivia now that she had basically lived with him for a few weeks now, and had witnessed how devastating the nerve and phantom pains were on some days. Jay has been stubborn about not taking any painkillers for them because ‘they make my brain fuzzy’ but Hailey had been pestering him to get them just in case he needed them abroad. “Mmmh,” Jay grunted a reply that sounded vaguely like a yes. Hailey hummed in approval and stifled a yawn. She was exhausted. She’d fought the urge to fall asleep on many nights in the past week or so. Any extra time with Jay was worth the exhaustion. She’d sleep when... probably not much while he was gone. She’ll sleep when he’s back to be the big spoon. 

“Come here. I can’t fall asleep with your brain working overtime,” Jay muttered and gently pulled Hailey against his chest. She shuffled into a more comfortable position, their legs intertwined with ease since, well, you know. Jay didn’t have two to take up space anymore. Hailey couldn’t help but giggle at the thought. Blame her sleep deprived brain if you want. “What’s so funny?” Jay asked when Hailey’s giggles shook her body enough to jolt him as well. “Just enjoying the extra space,” she whispered and continued to giggle. Hailey couldn’t see it, but she knew that he rolled his eyes. “Oh shut up and sleep already,” he said and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Oh. They hadn’t done that much. Kissing. In fact, they hadn’t actually kissed yet. Sure, they hugged and cuddled, held hands and whatnot. But kissing, lips touching? Not yet. He’d kissed her hand a few times, and her forehead too. It made Hailey feel dizzy, in a good way. Like a high schooler experiencing their first romance. Maybe she’d kiss him tomorrow before he had to leave - actually, she’d have to leave first. For work. Jay promised to come over to the precinct, just the downstairs lobby, to pick her up for lunch one last time. No. Not one last time, not like that. That sounded too final, permanent. Last lunch for the time being. Yeah, Hailey could do that one. 

“Night, Jay,” Hailey whispered and snuggled closer to him, if that was even physically possible at that point. She breathed in his scent, willing her brain to memorize it. She could smell the massage oil he sometimes used before he rubbed his sore muscles. He’d used it earlier that evening. It wasn’t a smell she was particularly used to yet, but she didn’t want to forget. It was Jay. She couldn’t forget him. The sudden rush of tears forming in her eyes caught her by surprise. She couldn’t lose him. “Goodnight, Hailey.”

Why didn’t he wake her? She woke up to an empty bed, his side already cold. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Red digital numbers showing how unreasonably early it was. Not even five. But the smell of grease originating from the kitchen made her mouth salivate. Breakfast, with bacon. She got out of bed and grabbed one of Jay’s zip up hoodies from the chair that had the honor of holding the laundry pile. The sleeves were too long for her arms, but she preferred it that way. Zipping it up halfway, Hailey wandered from the room. 

Jay stood by the stove when she found him in the kitchen. He had his back to her, probably hadn’t noticed her standing there yet either. Hailey noticed instantly how Jay wasn’t humming. He liked to hum along the songs on the radio while he made breakfast. But today he didn’t even have the radio on. “Why didn’t you wake me?” she asked and waited for him to startle. But he didn’t. He barely even glanced over his shoulder to acknowledge her presence. 

She walked closer, until she was right behind him. She reached out and slowly wrapped her arms around his waist. He leaned into her touch instantly. “I just wanted to surprise you with one more breakfast,” he whispered softly. He reached for her hand, and gently guided her to stand next to him. She now saw the frying pan on the stove. Bacon, eggs -sunny side up, just like she loved them, to Jay’s horror- and mini frankfurters. How did he..? 

“Where did you find those?” Hailey pointed to the sausages, and turned her head to look at him in awe. She didn’t have many fond memories of her childhood and parents, but one of the best moments had been the holidays when her parents had bought mini frankfurters and cooked them in butter with onions until they were crispy on the outside.It had been years, decades now since she had eaten them, not because she couldn’t find them at the store. She just couldn’t bring herself to buy them. Jay pushed them around on the pan with a wooden spatula, and gave her a small smile. “You told me about them once. Your parents. How they never made the sausages from scratch unlike your grandparents. I don’t know which recipe they used of course, but this had good ratings online, so,” he replied with a shrug of his shoulders. He... he made her frankfurters from scratch. “When did you… how?” Hailey managed to ask, voice thick with emotion that she hadn’t expected. He only hummed and smiled as a reply. 

“You could switch on the coffee, I already loaded it earlier,” Jay said instead and turned off the stove. While she moved to get the coffee going, Jay grabbed plates and transferred some of the contents of the frying pan to the plates. He left a couple of the sausages and some bacon on the pan, and placed a glass lid on it to keep them warm for longer. 

Jay carried the plates to the table where he already had bowls of fruits and berries waiting, as well as a basket of bread. When Hailey joined him a few moments later, carrying two mugs of coffee, she noticed the packed bags next to the couch. She had offered to help him with the packing but he declined, saying that there was a whole process he liked to do. On his own. She didn’t get it, but accepted it nonetheless. 

“When do you leave again?” she asked when they had been eating for a while. Jay raised his gaze from his plate and the food that he had mostly been nibbling on. “The Uber I booked picks me up at 2.30. If we have an early lunch then we should have enough time,” he replied, flashing her a quick smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I think you should come up, to the bullpen I mean. They all would like that,” Hailey suggested as she finished the last of her frankfurters. She eyed the ones on Jay’s plate, still uneaten. She picked up her fork, and slowly reached for the frankfurters. When Jay didn’t intervene, she stabbed two of them with her fork. “I know. Kim keeps texting about it. I might stop by after lunch. If we have time,” he replied and smiled at Hailey’s appetite. He had worried that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything thanks to him leaving, so he pulled out the secret weapons. 

It had been years since Hailey had mentioned it. The frankfurters. But Jay remembered. He remembered everything she told him. Especially anything that had to do with her past. It had taken him days of careful planning to keep it a surprise. Buying the ingredients, hiding them in his fridge so Hailey wouldn’t suspect anything. Preparing two test batches before he perfected the recipe. Opening the doors and windows of his apartment to let out the smell of the cooked meat to ensure that Hailey wouldn’t be able to tell what he had been cooking while she was at work. She hadn’t even questioned the small grease burns on his arms and hands. But the look on her face as she was eating was priceless. Worth every yelp he had let out when the burning hot grease had sizzled from the pan and to his skin.

After the early breakfast, Jay and Hailey busied themselves with cleaning up. Neither wanted to address the fact that this was their last day together for god knows how long. Days, weeks, months? She didn’t want to know. By the time the dinner table, kitchen and the dishes were spotless it wasn’t even six am yet. They were just about to step into the yard when Hailey’s phone rang from the bedroom. Jay stopped in his tracks and watched as Hailey hurried off to answer the phone. 

As a cop, you sort of develop this sense. Or the good ones do at least. A sense when something happens. A crime, an accident, something. And that sense in Jay was telling him that there had been an incident. He sighed and walked halfway to the bedroom, and stopped to give her some privacy. So much for their quiet and slow morning before work. 

“It was Voight. We finally got the warrant, the raid’s in forty minutes. On the other side of town. I got to run,” Hailey emerged from the bedroom, jeans pulled just past her knees, and more clothes in the crook of her arm. Jay nodded and watched as she hurried around the apartment gathering her essentials and getting dressed. “Will you be back in time for lunch?” Jay asked, disappointment evident in his voice as he already knew the answer. Hailey had talked about the case a few times, it included a large gang operation with lots of moving parts and everything needed to align perfectly if they wanted to bring down the whole operation. It would likely take all day, maybe even require overtime. 

Hailey slowed down when the realization hit her. The original rush of the call vanished as she processed what it meant. The lunch. Saying goodbye to Jay, getting to spend a few more moments with him. All gone. She held her work bag in one hand, and slowly walked over to Jay. She let the bag drop to the ground with a small thud. “This isn’t how it was supposed to go,” she said with a sad voice, tears threatening to form in her eyes. She shook her head as if that would make them go away. Jay closed the distance between them by pulling her into a tight hug. “It’s okay,” he whispered without truly believing the words. Hailey rested her head against his chest, and held onto him tightly. “No it’s not. We were supposed to have more time,” she replied as the first tears escaped from the corners of her eyes, her words muffled against Jay’s shirt. 

She heard the imaginary clock ticking in the background, counting down the seconds they had left together. She almost clung to the back of Jay’s shirt when he pulled back to end the hug. She wiped her eyes and when she looked up to meet his, they were teary as well. “Wait here,” his voice was raspy, raw from all the emotions he was trying to contain. Hailey reluctantly let him go. While she waited, she moved to lean against the couch. She really should have left by now. She would more than likely be late for the raid. Oh well. She didn’t care at this point. There was always need for officers to secure the perimeter. Not the most glorious job, especially compared to being part of a raid team, but she’d take it. She’d even take the lecture from Voight if it meant she got a minute, even thirty more seconds with Jay. 

Jay returned from the bedroom with something in his hand. Something small that fit inside his fist. “I know we kind of agreed not to put a label on this. Our situation. But I thought that, umm, maybe we should have these,” Jay spoke with uncertainty. He reached for Hailey’s hand and showed her what he was holding. The rings. Two pieces of one whole. Hailey looked at his face. He looked nervous, unsure. “Not like, umm. I’m not proposing or anything. I just. Maybe we should have a piece of us to, umm, hold close,” Jay continued and gently placed one of the rings on Hailey’s palm. “You don’t need to wear it on your finger. I don’t know if we’re meant for marriage, the two of us,” he joked sadly and waited for Hailey to react. Speak, do something. Anything. 

She did manage to smile a little at Jay’s attempted joke. He was probably right. “This might be just the thing I needed. Thanks, Jay,” she replied softly and closed her hand around the ring. She didn’t in fact want to wear it. Jay knew her so well. She just didn’t realize that until much later than she should have.

“Umm, I have an extra set of keys. To my place. You can leave it here if you don’t want to take it to work with you,” Jay said after Hailey made no attempt to move. She nodded, and Jay hurried to fetch the keys. She placed the ring on the side table and waited for him to return. “The keys have labels attached to them so you know what each opens,” he said as he handed the keys to Hailey. She didn’t have time to study them, just shoved them into the pocket of her jeans. 

This was it. The silence stretched on until it became unbearable. Yet she couldn’t find the right words. Not even the wrong words came to her. “I had a whole thing prepared,” Jay eventually broke the silence. “Wanted to say all these things and shit, but there’s no time. I will come back to you, Hailey. This isn’t like last time. I’m not running anymore. You’re my best friend. You have no idea how happy it made me when you found it in your heart to give me another chance. Not that I deserved it. But you gave it to me anyway. And I promise that I’ll come back, and give you everything you could ever want, and more. I’ll give you everything you deserve. I love you, Hailey,” Jay finished and stepped closer. He leaned over, until she could feel his breath against her cheeks. Jay’s hand came up, and he cupped her cheek. And ever so gently, he brought his lips against hers. 

He gave her every chance to back away, tell him no. But she didn’t want it. She returned the kiss instantly, her hand coming up to grab Jay by his hair. It was like a thirst that needed quenching. Heat built in her chest, and the kiss turned from soft and delicate to messy, needy. She needed his lips against hers like she needed the air which she breathed. Jay pulled back for half a second to catch his breath before Hailey tugged his hair to pull him back into the kiss. 

“Hails,” he managed a soft moan. She could barely hear him. How did she stay mad at him for so long? They’d missed so much time because of that. “Hailey,” he said again, pulling back a little. “Work,” he continued, and Hailey finally released her hold on his hair.

“This isn’t a goodbye,” he said, out of breath. Hailey smirked when she saw the red on his cheeks, ruffled hair, lust in his eyes. “This is a promise. I’ll come back to you,” he continued and planted a quick kiss on her cheek before taking a step back, presumably thinking that the added distance would help cool things down. 

“I’m going to be so late,” Hailey chuckled yet made no attempt to leave. Jay smiled at her fondly, and against his better judgment, he pulled her into one last embrace. “I’ll call you, text you. I promise I’m coming back,” he repeated quietly. She could feel something wet against her skin. Tears. He was crying. Or was it her? They both were. “I know. You wouldn’t dare leave me again,” Hailey forced the words out, digging deep to find the strength to not break down into a messy puddle of sobs. Jay’s laugh shook her body. “You’re right. I’ll text you when I’m at the airport, and when I land,” Jay replied and released his hold on her. “Go. We’ll see each other again,” he gently urged her with a smile. She bent down to grab her bag, and checked the clock on the wall. Almost twenty minutes since Voight had called. Oops. 

“I’ll miss you. But I promise I’ll wait for you this time,” she said and grabbed Jay’s hand, and pulled him towards the front door. He followed willingly, soaking up the last of their shared moment. She fumbled with the door as she refused to let go of Jay’s hand, and she had the bag in her other. Jay reached past her to open the door for her. “I already miss you too,” he whispered when Hailey passed him. He brought their still clasped hands to his lips, and gave her hand a soft kiss. He then released his hold, and it took Hailey a moment to let go of him. “I’ll see you soon,” Jay said and nudged her shoulder to tell her to go. How he managed it, she didn’t know. If the roles were reversed then she would have asked, begged him to stay a little longer. Hailey stepped through the doorway, and turned to look at him.

“Bye, Jay,” she replied and turned around again, preparing to walk away. But she couldn’t. Behind her, she could hear Jay moving around. But he didn’t reach out to touch her. “Goodbye, Hailey,” he spoke quietly and then she heard the door close. Her head whipped around, and indeed, Jay had shut the door. She chuckled a little. She probably wouldn’t have been able to leave otherwise, and he knew it. Oh, Jay. She let the tears fall as she walked away from his apartment. 

Chapter Text

The drive to the raid location was a blur. She honestly couldn’t remember if all of the traffic lights had been green when she drove through the intersections. Maybe they were. 

To say that Voight was furious was the understatement of the century. She had been told to, quite literally, fuck off and hold the perimeter with some barely out of the academy officers that looked young enough to be Hailey’s nephews. She took the scolding, some sick masochist in her enjoying the verbal abuse. Anything to distract her from the pain of having to let Jay go. 

“I haven’t been on an active raid before, have you?” the young officer Hailey had been paired with, Thompson, asked. The pair had been sent to the furthest part of the perimeter where literally nothing was guaranteed to happen. Not even a bird would fly past them here. Hailey almost smiled at the boy’s man’s excitement. But not today. “Too many to count, kid,” she replied. Thompson looked displeased to be called a kid but didn’t seem to have the courage to stand up to her, a detective of the intelligence unit. Shame. Hailey studied him discreetly when he was focused on the surroundings. Had she been that green back in the day too? So young, she thought to herself. 

“Hey, what’s the longest raid you’ve ever been part of? Me personally, we had this exercise at the academy and we had to stay out in the freezing rain for almost nine hours. Can you believe it, nine!” Thompson had been steadily attempting a conversation for the past two hours. He was determined, Hailey gave him that. On a different day she might have felt pity for him and chatted with him more. Or, on another day she might have snapped at him for bothering her so much considering they both had the shittiest job on raids. But today she barely had the energy for standing there. She couldn’t bring herself to be mean or extra friendly. “Umm, if you count pre-raid surveillance and then finishing up at the scene, probably twelve, thirteen hours?” she finally satisfied Thompson by giving him a proper, lengthy-ish answer. The young officer’s eyes lit up and he took an eager step closer. “Oh come on, man! You gotta tell me more,” he pleaded and grabbed the straps on his vest. A small smile crept up on Hailey’s lips. He looked so proud while standing like that. She loved it when Jay stood like that too. The confidence in him, oh it was a good look - wait. No. She was at work, she needed to focus.

 “Just keep your eyes on the perimeter there, Thompson,” Hailey eventually replied and moved a few feet, shaking her legs to get the circulation going better. Thompson looked like he was about to ask her to tell him anyway, but probably remembered his training and shifted his focus to scan the surrounding area. She had been right at the beginning, not even a bird or a wasp had been seen. Swatting away a fly would at least give her something to do. Other than standing silently, shift her weight from one leg to another every few minutes, and listen to her own thoughts. Jay. Jay. Jay. She doesn’t remember how she did it the last time when Jay left for Bolivia. Maybe she already knew that they wouldn’t last. So much had changed since then. Hailey turned toward Thompson with a sigh when the officer started yet another quiet monologue of some academy exercise. Please put me out of my misery already…

— —

Jay hadn’t done much since Hailey left, or rather when he had shoved her out the door and pulled it close in front of her. His bags were all double and triple checked, everything was ready. He’d already said goodbye to the team, Trudy, Hank, some of his neighbors from the building, even Tony and Aiden. But… Somehow, he didn’t quite know when or how it happened, he hadn’t told Will. Or Natalie. 

He was sure that he had told them, but when Hailey brought them up in a conversation the other day, the realization hit him. He hadn’t told his brother and sister-in-law that he was leaving the country to, well, might as well be a war zone. It was his war zone at least. Jay had originally thought that it was Kevin who could have convinced him not to go, but deep down he knew there was another. Will Halstead. Soon to be father of Jay’s first biological niece. 

Jay obviously didn’t admit anything to Hailey. Just nodded along until the conversation thrifted elsewhere. But now that his Uber would be there in less than an hour, he considered his options. Should he call now, and hope that fifty minutes is enough to explain? Or call from the airport… no. The conversation would likely turn heated, and other people didn’t need to witness the scene. But also simply a text wouldn’t be tasteful. He could also just call after he landed in La Paz. Yeah. That sounds like a solid idea. Let’s do that. 

With nothing else to do but wait, Jay carried his bags closer to the front door, and went around the apartment, checking each room one last time. Hailey had promised to stop by later that day and take out the things in his fridge that would spoil, not that there was much left as Jay had planned his groceries carefully. Most of the meals in his freezer would be good for up to three months, and he didn’t think he would be gone for that long. Jay hadn’t bought any plants yet either, so there was nothing that needed watering while he was gone. 

It was weird. He’d left so many times before. For basic training, multiple different phases of Rangers training, two tours in Afghanistan, Bolivia… None of them felt like this though. Like he wasn’t supposed to go. Because this time, he had something to lose. His future with Hailey. Jay’s hand went up to his neck, where his fingers looped behind the chain that he now wore around his neck. He tugged at the necklace until his fingers came in contact with the item hanging from it. The ring. His and Hailey’s wedding ring. It might have been foolish of him to wear it, take it to Bolivia. But he needed to have her close. 

Bzzzz. His phone buzzed on the dining table. A quick glance on the clock confirmed the text was from his Uber driver before Jay even reached his phone. ‘Outside your building, as close to the gate as I could. Dark blue Prius.’ This was it. Jay flicked the light switch and watched as the house around him dimmed. He made one last pat down of his pockets.

Passport. Keys. Phone. Copies of important documents folded in the breast pocket of his light jacket. Hesitant steps toward the door. Rucksack on his back. Duffel in right hand. Left hand reaching for the door handle. Twisting it. Swinging the door open. First shoe over the frame and into the hall. And then the second. One final look into the apartment. Door closing. “Goodbye, Hailey,” Jay whispered into the empty hall. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to say it. She wasn’t even here. And it wasn’t even a goodbye, because he was coming back. Yes, he would. If it was the last thing he ever did. 

— — 

“And that was actually my last surveillance training exercise I had in the academy,” Thompson finished his story. Hailey had lost track of time about four hours into the raid. She’d lost track of how many academy stories Thompson had told, in excruciating detail. In some ways Hailey welcomed the almost constant commentary and chattering from her current partner. Even if she didn’t listen with great focus all the time, it was still a distraction. Not from their current task. Securing the perimeter was the last thing weighing on her. 

Was Jay already on his way to the airport? She hadn’t checked her watch on purpose, but she had a feeling it might be late enough that his Uber had picked him up. But she didn’t dare to check. Didn’t want the confirmation. She’d rather live in this delusional state where Jay might be home, in his apartment, just hanging around. Or he might be on his way to the airport, ready to travel into the unknown. She didn’t need to know yet. 

At some point, a patrol officer brought them some lunch. If you can call stale bread, the driest protein bar on earth and lukewarm coffee lunch. Hailey’s missed Jay’s cooking already. Especially now. “My fiancée would probably have a panic attack if she had to eat this,” Thompson joked as he fought to swallow the dry protein bar. Hailey shook her head at the man’s struggling expressions. “Yeah, I could kill for some of my partner’s fresh, homemade bread with garlic butter,” Hailey admitted as she battled with her own meal. Thompson’s eyes lit up again, like they always did when Hailey properly interacted with him.

“Oh I didn’t know you had a partner. What’s their name?” Thompson asked after he had finally managed to swallow the protein bar. Hailey didn’t miss the choice of pronouns he had used. It warmed her heart a little, knowing that there were open minded young police officers in the force. She considered her answer. Jay wasn’t exactly… famous per say within the force but he had made big arrests and received some awards that he might just be known enough. “Jay. Jay Halstead,” she decided to reveal. She had no reason to hide their relationship, or hide him in general. 

Thompson, whose first name Hailey barely recalled to be Elliot, stared at her with his mouth gaping open until he finally recovered. “No way! Is it true that he lost his leg? I had a classmate at the academy who swore he saw Halstead at the 21st precinct one day and he had a prosthetic leg but I didn’t believe him. Is it true?” Thompson asked in awe. Alright. Maybe Jay was known. Her brows still furrowed. Jay would be unhappy if he knew that the first thing people mentioned about him was the prosthetic leg. “Sure. That’s true,” she replied slowly, letting the displeasure be noticeable in her voice. Not that it spooked Thompson. “Oh snap! That’s rough, man. Was it on the job? I mean, I’ve never had the honor to work with him - obviously, I graduated like what, a month ago? But usually you hear about fellow cops getting injured and you know,” he rambled excitedly, a bit too much for Hailey’s liking. “No. It wasn’t on the job,” her reply was sharp, painfully obvious that she didn’t appreciate his line of questioning.

The young officer seemed to finally realize his misplaced enthusiasm, and toned it down a few notches. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. My mom always said I was a little thick in the head sometimes. That wasn’t cool. But uhh, I’m glad to hear you and Halstead have each other,” Thompson sounded genuinely apologetic, and Hailey didn’t have it in her to stay mad about something so minor. Besides, Jay didn’t need her to defend his honor or something. “Tell me more about your fiancée,” Hailey settled on saying. She didn’t want to keep talking about Jay, and she knew for a fact that Thompson would loove to talk about Adyson. “Well, it’s only natural that I tell you how we first met,” Thompson started and Hailey wondered if she had made a terrible mistake inquiring about Adyson. 

 — —

Would she be home by now? Or at his place? There was no way she was still working, right? Jay checked his watch. He stared at the numbers and spent a little too long trying to remember if he was an hour ahead, or if there was no time difference at all. And since he was currently in Colombia, waiting for his next flight, there was no time difference. So ten pm for both him and Hailey. Okay, no there was no way that Hailey would still be working. 

Jay fished out his phone from the bag, and opened the texts between him and Hailey. It was a well-practiced motion by now, the pair had been texting a lot in the past few weeks. ‘Safely in Bogota. Yes, I’m aware I didn’t write it correctly. What are you going to do, arrest me? * wink emoji * Boarding starts in about seventy-five minutes, might take a nap. Thinking of you.’ Jay had no intention of breaking his promise. He’d text every chance he got. Within reason. 

Commercial flights were definitely… an experience when flushing to Bolivia. Last time he flew from Chicago, they had a small cargo plane that flew them directly to Bolivia, and the flight back to the States? He honestly couldn’t remember much. But it had been a different experience too, due to being pumped full of drugs and still being in so much pain that you’re barely conscious. The mere thought of that flight made Jay shudder uncomfortably. His return home better be comfortable as hell this time around…

At least the airport was reasonably quiet. For an airport. He had found himself a quiet nook to retreat to, so he only felt mildly anxious. Whatever had possessed him when he decided to leave Makayla’s sea glass shards at home was facing Jay’s wrath now. His hands kept going to his pockets, expecting to feel the comforting shape against the tips of his fingers, but the search was unrewarding. Sigh. He might have said in his message to Hailey that he’d take a nap but in reality he couldn’t even if he wanted to. Couldn’t will himself to drop his guard enough to fall asleep in a place like this. Too many people, too many variables.  

He really didn’t have anything left to do. He’d texted everyone that he should have, Hailey, Kevin, Kim, and Trudy of course. Oh, and Green, his unit buddy. Everyone except Will… Jay scanned his surroundings. The closest people were too far to eavesdrop if he kept his voice low. Even though he originally planned to call Will once he was in La Paz, he considered calling now. While it was ten for Jay, it should be eight for Will. So not too late to call. And it would make the time pass faster, that’s for sure. Ah, what the hell. Jay grabbed his phone and opened the contacts list before he changed his mind. Will’s number was easy to find from the favorites tab. “Here goes nothing..,” Jay muttered out loud and pressed dial. 

— —

Will Halstead was observing his fish pond. He’d transferred some new plants into the water a few days ago, but the koi fish kept nibbling on them for some reason, and he couldn’t figure out why. They weren’t supposed to do that. Ugh. Ruining his perfect vision. 

“Will! Your phone’s ringing! It’s Jay,” Natalie yelled from the house. She was holding out Will’s phone, and gingerly making her way towards Will, who jumped up from the bench and sprinted to meet her halfway. This was unexpected. He and Jay stuck to texting 99% of the time, so why was he calling out of the blue? Will was probably overthinking it…  

Somehow the phone was still ringing when Will grabbed it from Natalie, and hurriedly pressed to accept the call. “Hi, Jay,” he greeted out of breath. He might have gone for runs while Jay was in Seattle, but that habit was long gone already. “Umm, hi. Is this a bad time?” Will had to raise the volume of the call to hear Jay better. It was like he was whispering, or holding a hand in front of his mouth. “Not a bad time at all. Just left my phone inside. What’s up?” Will asked as he started to slowly walk around the yard, with no specific destination in mind. He saw from the corner of his eye how Natalie was walking back to the house. “Umm. I just wanted to let you know that I might miss some of our weekly chats,” Jay started nonchalantly. But Will knew him too well to fall for the attempted casual tone. “Why? What’s going on, Jay?” Will demand. He didn’t like the sound of this at all. 

The line stayed quiet for long enough that Will thought it dropped. But finally, some rustling was heard. “Umm. Don’t freak out, okay?” Jay’s voice almost pleaded. Will, however, was not falling for it. “Why? Just spit it out already, Jay, you’re starting to scare me,” Will raised his voice and tightened his hold on the phone. His pacing quickened, nervousness building within. Will had heard this tone once before from Jay, many years ago. He prayed that his instincts were wrong this time. 

“I’m going back to Bolivia,” Jay finally revealed. Will’s feet stopped on their own. What. “I’m sorry. That’s, no. That can’t be right,” Will stuttered and swayed on his feet. Will considered himself rather smart. He did make it through med school after all. But this? He couldn’t begin to comprehend Jay’s words. This couldn’t be happening. Not again. “Jay. You need to think this through, alright? Do you realize how insane you sound right now?” Will added when Jay didn’t answer. “No, you’re not hearing me. I’m going back. Now,” Jay’s voice was determined yet barely a whisper. 

Will didn’t need this. The added stress. Not now when Natalie’s due date was less than a month away. “What do you mean you’re going now?” Will repeated the words slowly. He was dumbfounded by his brother’s actions. Had he gone mad? Seriously, what the hell Jay? “I’m almost there. That’s what I mean. I’m waiting for my next flight. I left earlier this afternoon.” What? “Where the fuck are you? This isn’t funny,” Will wasn’t one to swear much, but if this situation didn’t demand it then he didn’t know what would. Some more rustling could be heard from the other end of the line, wherever the hell that was. Goddamnit Jay… “I landed in Colombia a while back. Just waiting for my last flight to La Paz. Will. Listen to me. This is happening, I didn’t decide this overnight, didn’t make any rushed decisions. I did all of my plans with my doctors. They cleared me for this, okay? It’s okay, Will,” Jay tried to calm things down. A mighty attempt, but alas a useless one.

“How is any of this okay? What the hell were you thinking?! Oh clearly you weren’t. You can’t just go back there! Don’t you remember what happened last time?” Will had gathered his thoughts enough to start arguing. If he had any peaceful cells in him, he would have chosen his words a bit more carefully. But he was too worked up to notice how badly he worded his opinion. “I’m going to let that one slide since I ambushed you with this. And that’s why I have to go back. To finish this. My guys found him. The man who, umm, was responsible. I have to be there to see this through,” Jay replied stiffly. 

While Will could somewhat understand where his brother was coming from, he was still seething. “You know what, Jay? I don’t care. Do whatever you want. You clearly already do. I don’t need this. You have the audacity to drop a bomb like this on me when you know how hard the last trimester has been for Natalie. I just hope that if you come back, you’re not too fucked up to meet your niece. Jesus, Jay. You told me you tried to kill yourself after the last time you went there. This is a huge mistake, and you know it,” the older Halstead couldn’t contain himself once he started talking. Some of the words didn’t even sound like his thoughts, they just… appeared from somewhere. And he seemed to realize how harsh he had just been, because suddenly embarrassment crept up on him. So he did the only thing he could think of, and ended the call without giving Jay another chance to speak. 

Natalie had been observing the scene unfold from the porch. She couldn’t hear everything, but she had concluded that it was a heated discussion between the two brothers. And when she saw that the call was over, she started walking over. 

“What was that about?” she asked once she had reached her husband. She had seen even from afar that Will was obviously upset, and he was even more so up close. Will stopped his pacing and turned to look at her. His face looked pained, emotionally. “Jay’s gone,” he muttered, and opened his arms and pulled Natalie close to hug her. Natalie was shocked. Gone? “What do you mean? Gone where?” she didn’t want to think the worst, but it was hard not to, knowing how hard Jay’s situation has been. “I don’t know how he did it, but he’s going back to Bolivia,” Will replied and tightened his hold on her, still being mindful of Natalie’s baby bump. She tightened her hold as well, the news shocked her deeply. How could he do this? Why? “Oh, Will,” was all Natalie could say. What else was there to say? 

Their embrace continued for a while longer until Will broke free. “Come on, let’s get you inside. I think we still have that herbal tea,” he said and offered her his arm. She smiled sadly at him, yet accepted the offered arm by looping hers through it. “You’re going to have to explain the whole situation though,” she asked softly as the pair made their way to the house. Will nodded with a sigh, too emotional for a verbal response. 

— —

Well, that went well. At the very least, Jay managed to keep his own voice low enough that no one turned to look. So, yay? Although, Will was right. Jay did practically just ambush him with the news, and he hadn’t even thought about Natalie. But at least it was over with. One last loose end to finish. 

His phone call with Will hadn’t been that long, but Jay was still hopeful that Hailey would have replied to his message by now. But she hadn’t. Fair enough, she was probably just sleeping. It had been a long day, for both her and Jay. He wanted nothing more than to collapse in bed and sleep for ten hours straight, and that’s probably what she had done too. No reason to jump to conclusions. She’d reply when she could. And it was a little hypocritical of him to be honest. Jay had been the one to ghost everyone before, remember? He really needed to get a grip if he got this worried about Hailey not responding in 15 minutes. 

With nothing else to do but wait for his flight to start boarding, Jay dug through his bag and pulled out one of the books he’d brought with him. It was a book about nothing in particular, just a small sized hardcover that’s easy to take with you. Jay opened the bookmarked page and shifted into a more comfortable position, and started reading. Maybe by the time boarding was done, Hailey would have replied. Or not. 

Chapter Text

Chicago, August 28th, early evening 

Hailey was starting to lose it. She and Thompson had been at it for almost ten hours now. At one point she had even radioed the command to ask for an update as she was starting to suspect that Voight was punishing her for being late by “forgetting” them out there. But no, apparently the raid teams had found miles of tunnels underground, and they needed to wait for the city to send someone with physical blueprints as this part of town hadn’t been digitized yet. And with the blueprints they had to work out multiple strategies and backup plans as the prints didn’t show all, not even the majority, of the tunnels. And so what originally meant to be a four hour raid, max, turned out to be a small disaster. 

“Can you imagine how cool those tunnels must be? I wish we could have been there to see them,” Thompson muttered. Even the young officer’s enthusiasm had died down as the day went on. And standing in the same area for ten hours? That’ll get anyone in a mood, eventually. “I don’t know. Shallow tunnels dug up by some amateurs who probably didn’t build enough structural support? I’m quite content with my current post,” Hailey replied with a small smirk. He sounded a little like Jay. Jay was never happy to be sidelined, or assigned to a “boring” position. Maybe that was partially because of his Rangers training, he was always the first to volunteer for a high risk situation. And, probably partially because of his Rangers training, Voight usually chose him for the job. So a raid with secret underground tunnels? Oh, Hailey couldn’t wait to tell Jay about this. 

“Did you hear that? What was that?” Thompson asked all of a sudden, head whipped toward the bushes. Hailey undid the clasp on her holster and turned to look too. She hadn’t heard anything. Thompson glanced at her, and she shrugged her shoulders to indicate she had no clue what he was talking about. Thompson started to walk slowly towards the bushes, hand resting on his holster, ready to pull out his weapon. Hailey took a wider stance, ready to have his back if needed. She kept looking behind her too, not wanting to be surprised from any direction. Thompson was only a few feet from the bushes when a small weasel of some kind sprinted from under the dead leaves. The young officer startled and jumped at least a couple of feet in the air, and let out a loud yelp. “Jesus! Fucking rats man,” Thompson exclaimed and stumbled backwards, away from the so called rat. But even Hailey could tell from all the way back that it wasn’t a rat. “Aren’t you glad you’re not in those tunnels right now, huh? Imagine the rats in there,” she replied with a chuckle and removed her hand from the holster. What a muppet. 

YANK. Hailey was violently pulled back from her vest. She fell on her back with an oomph, air escaping her lungs. “Trust me honey, the rats were nothing,” a man’s voice said. Hailey blinked rapidly as she tried to gasp for air. A figure appeared in her field of vision. A tall man, dressed in dark, and a sawed off shotgun in his hand. Pointed straight at her face. “Now, officer. I would choose your next move very carefully or your lovely partner here might not look so lovely after I’m done with her,” the man holding the shotgun addressed Thompson. Hailey couldn’t see where the young officer was, or what he had been doing. Hailey did see that the stranger wasn’t paying attention to her though, so she very discreetly moved her hand to her radio, and carefully flicked it on, so people could hear what was going on, but they couldn’t reply. It was some strange luck that Thompson’s radio was on a different channel, so it didn’t transmit the scene that was about to unfold. 

“Okay, man. I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt her,” Thompson sounded absolutely terrified. The officer must have thrown his gun to the ground as Hailey heard a thud and the stranger looked pleased. “Alright, that’s better. Gabe, Earl, come out and give me a hand,” the stranger spoke louder, and Hailey could hear multiple steps approaching. “Not very smart, telling us their names,” Hailey couldn’t stop the words from coming out. Not very smart to be a smartass when someone is literally holding a gun to your head. “I don’t think their names will be of much importance to either of you,” the man said and kneeled down, and pressed the barrel of the shotgun against Hailey’s cheek. “You’re a little feisty one, aren’t you? You should watch your mouth more carefully. I’d hate to have to watch it for you,” he continued and pressed more firmly. Hailey gritted her teeth, and stared at the man, memorizing his features. If she lived long enough to need that information… 

“Boss, she’s right. I don’t like it, why can’t we use your name then too?” a new voice spoke, a high pitched man. Hailey turned her head slightly and saw two men standing next to this ‘Boss’ man. “Shut up, Gabe. Get the handcuffs from the other copper over there. Earl, get her to her knees and cuff her,” the boss ordered. He moved the shotgun from Hailey’s face, and used it as a crutch to push himself up to a standing position. Gabe, a skinny little man, or rather a boy, walked past them and toward Thompson. Another man, Earl presumably, grabbed Hailey by the arms and hoisted her up to her knees. 

Hailey’s brain was working overtime. The radio was still on, and everyone at the command post had been eavesdropping, but their perimeter location was furthest from the rest. A ten minute walk at least, through garbage and junk that had been left behind by god knows who. Old furniture, burned cars, half collapsed sheds… Not an easy route to take, especially if you needed to approach undetected. And to make things even worse, they were in the middle of a clearing with nothing to use for cover. But… how did these three get the drop on them? Ugh, Hailey couldn’t figure it out, not when Boss kept waving his shotgun around. Hailey’s hands were pulled behind her back, and she was handcuffed with her own cuffs. If the situation wasn’t so dire, she knew that she’d be the topic of the jokes for weeks to come. But alas, she and Thompson were unarmed, outmanned, in handcuffs… How would they get out of this? 

“Bring that one over here too,” Boss ordered and watched with amusement as Gabe struggled to get Thompson to his feet. Earl, an older man with graying hair and gray eyes, didn’t have the same patience as he strode past Hailey and Boss to help Gabe. “That’s good enough. You boy, kneel,” Boss said and loosely pointed his shotgun toward Thompson. The poor officer was putting on a brave face, but his eyes spoke the truth; he was absolutely horrified. He didn’t even think to resist, and practically collapsed to his knees, and Gabe had to grab his shoulder to stop him from fall forward face first to the ground. Boss shook his head and tutted. “This is what the police department has come to in Chicago? I have to say, I’m disappointed. Earl, fetch me this officer’s sidearm,” he lowered his shotgun and a small smile danced on his lips. Earl did as instructed, and held Thompson’s gun out for Boss. “Oh it’s not for me. It’s for you, Earl. Pick one, who do you want to shoot?” Boss’s voice was twisted with humor, humor that Hailey failed to understand. Earl smirked and showed his crooked teeth, the few that he still had left. “I’ve never shot a lady cop before,” Earl grinned and tightened his grip on the gun before pointing it to Hailey. “NO!” Thompson yelled and struggled to his feet. He leaped forward, attempting to tackle Earl to the ground. BANG, BANG. Two bodies hit the ground. 

Beep, beep, beep. Where the hell was that coming from? Hailey’s head felt like cotton drenched in syrup. She struggled to open her eyes, eyelids feeling heavy like they had lead weights tied to them. When she finally managed to open her eyes, she wasn’t sure what she expected to see. But a dimly lit hospital room was not one of them. “Oh, thank god you’re awake,” Hailey startled when Kim spoke. Hailey turned her head toward the voice, and found Kim sitting on a stool beside her hospital bed. What the hell? “What happened?” Hailey asked, and coughed a few times when speaking irritated her dry throat. Kim stood up to offer her a small cup of water. “Don’t you remember? You and Thompson were ambushed by three men that broke through from the inner perimeter. Or they used the tunnels. We don’t know,” Kim started explaining, and Hailey’s expression turned panicked. “Thompson will be alright, Hailey. It’s okay. You both are fine. You took a round to the chest, and hit your head when you fell. Thompson managed to shove two of the guys, and only got a small fragment in his leg when the shotgun went off. No one was seriously hurt by some miracle. I wasn’t in the unit that responded to your radio call, but they got everyone in custody. Earl Hayton, Gabriel “Gabe” Leeway and Benjamin Rhode. Rhode had to be taken into surgery for a gsw to the shoulder but he’ll pull through,” Kim recapped the event for Hailey. 

Thompson saved her life. There was no question about it. “Where is he, Thompson?” Hailey asked and leaned forward in bed, but her ribs protested violently, and she had to lean back against the pillows with a wince. “They already discharged him, his fiancée picked him up. Like I said, it was a minor injury. Not even ten stitches I heard,” Kim reassured her. Hailey visibly relaxed. 

Soon after, a doctor came in to check on Hailey. She had a mild concussion and two fractured ribs. After a small eternity and a bunch of test latee, she was cleared to leave as long as she had someone check on her every couple of hours, and Kim being a good friend offered to be with her. After a few signed documents, and a prescription for painkillers, the two women were off. 

“Everyone’s gone home already. They wanted to be with you, make sure you’re alright but Voight ordered them to go home. They were exhausted, we didn’t anticipate the raid to go like this. We were so out of our depth with that. It was a miracle that we even succeeded. I think Voight and the sergeant from Gangs are getting a lot of heat for this one,” Kim explained after they had made it to her car. Honestly, it hadn’t even passed Hailey’s mind. She just wanted to get home and hug Jay… oh. Right. He was gone. Wait. “What time is it?” she asked, and reached for her phone, but couldn’t find it. “Oh, your phone is at the precinct. It’s evidence. I’m sorry, but Voight put a rush on it so you’ll get it back first thing tomorrow. You’ll have to come in anyway, for your statement,” Kim replied as she got seated behind the wheel. Hailey took an extra minute to lower herself carefully to the seat, ribs protesting even the slightest twist of her torso. “I see. I just wanted to see if Jay had sent me a message,” Hailey replied quietly. She was exhausted, emotionally drained, and she missed her partner. 

She hadn’t fully even processed everything that had happened. Thompson could’ve died, she could have died. She could be dead right now and Jay would be thousands of miles away. What were they doing? Jay should be here, with her. This wasn’t right. “You can borrow my phone to call him if you want. Umm, none of us realized to inform him about the situation. Sorry,” Kim said softly and reached down for the phone, but Hailey shook her head tiredly. “No. It’s okay. I’ll uhh, call him tomorrow. I don’t want to worry him by calling from your number..,” Hailey muttered, voice trailing off. Kim looked like she wanted to argue, change her mind but didn’t say anything. “Do you want me to take you to ours or your place?” she asked instead. Neither option sounded good to Hailey. “Jay’s,” she simply replied and leaned back in her seat and closed her eyes. Kim could figure it out, she’d been there once before. Hailey heard her asking something but she tuned her out. 

Hailey startled when Kim gently shook her awake. She looked around confusingly before realizing they had made it to Jay’s place. “I can walk you in before I head to the store for groceries. You need to eat something,” Kim offered as she stepped out of the car. Hailey followed suit a few steps behind, achy ribs making their presence known. “Oh, you don’t need to. Jay left me some leftovers, I was supposed to come here tonight anyway. To eat them..,” she replied, movements getting more and more slow as the day started to really catch up on her. Kim simply nodded, unsure what else to do. She walked a few steps behind Hailey, letting her set the pace. 

Hailey wasn’t even sure if she’d have the keys to Jay’s apartment, but somehow when she went through her pockets she found them. But when she went to place the key into the lock, she couldn’t do it. Her hand kept shaking, and the key kept missing and the hole. Kim had to step in and take the keys from her, and open the door for her. She waited for Hailey to walk past her before following behind and pulling the door shut. 

She hated it. The quiet apartment. Somehow, it was happening all over again despite her and Jay being in a completely different situation than before. She was once again left with his apartment, surrounded by silence and memories. This wasn’t right. Jay should be here. She needed him, and where was he? On some stupid revenge mission probably getting himself killed. “Umm, I’ll take a shower. I have some of my spare clothes in one of Jay’s drawers. You can borrow some if you want,” Hailey managed to say, pushing the emotions into a small mental box and locking them in. She wasn’t in a good place to work through any of what she was feeling, and being mad at Jay wasn’t helping. Hailey didn’t stick around to wait for Kim’s reply, instead she moved as fast as her ribs and slightly pounding head would allow and disappeared into the bathroom, locking the door behind her. 

Kim was at loss with her. She didn’t really know why she had agreed to bring her to Jay’s, but being here clearly wasn’t helping. Kim had taken Hailey’s offer to borrow some clothes, and while she got changed and rummaged through Jay’s mostly empty fridge for leftovers and set the table, Hailey took a shower and emerged looking worse than before. She’d clearly been crying. Not just because of Jay though. Nearly being shot in the face with a shotgun will shake anyone, and since Hailey already was having a hard time with Jay’s departure, it was all ten times worse. 

They ate in silence. Or, Kim ate and Hailey pushed the food around the plate with her fork, barely touching the meal. Kim had to gently encourage her to eat something several times, saying that it wasn’t a good idea to take her painkillers on an empty stomach. Kim offered to listen if Hailey wanted to talk, but she didn’t. Kim then offered to talk about something else entirely, but she declined that too. She just wanted the day to be over. Curl up in Jay’s bed, breathe in his scent from the sheets and sleep for a week. Or preferably until Jay came back. But that probably wasn’t a healthy idea. 

“I can sleep on the couch if you want. I know the bed is a bit narrow for us, especially considering we aren’t about to cuddle,” Kim attempted to lighten the mood after dinner. Hailey was barely staying awake at that point, she was exhausted to her bones. “You don’t need to, it’s fine. We’ll manage,” she muttered and pushed herself up, heavily leaning against the table. Kim shrugged, happy to share if she didn’t mind. “Well, you know the deal. I’ll wake you every couple of hours. Voight told us to be at the precinct at ten since we had a long shift today. Plus he probably needs to get his ass chewed first,” Kim said as they walked to the bedroom, dishes left in the sink for now. “I’m sorry you have to watch me. You should be with Adam and Makayla,” Hailey muttered an apology and sat down at the edge of Jay’s bed. Kim had pushed the sheets to the side earlier, all Hailey needed to do was fall into bed and pull the covers over her head and sleep. Kim leaned against the doorframe and smiled at her. “It’s fine, really. You’re my family too, they get it. I’ll join you in a few, I’ll just clean up first. Try and get some rest, okay?” Kim said warmly before vanishing from Hailey’s view. 

Hailey tried to get comfortable. She’d chosen Jay’s side, just to feel closer to him. But it was making it hurt more, sensing him near when in reality he was not. She almost wanted to ask Kim to borrow her phone to call Jay. But at the last minute she changed her mind. Neither of them needed this right now. Her being an emotional mess. It would make Jay feel bad for no reason. It’s not like he could actually do anything from all the way over there. So why worry him, especially this late? She’d tell him everything tomorrow. Or whenever he was available to talk. Hailey managed to stack the pillows just enough to find a bearable spot to lay in. And despite not wanting to fall asleep just yet, sleep consumed her in seconds before Kim had a chance to return. 

Chapter Text

Hailey survived the following day. She wasn’t sure how, but she made it. The odds were stacked against her, between the splitting headache, aching ribs, exhaustion from being woken up by Kim every few hours and the emotional distress from… everything that was going on, she had all the reason to just melt into a puddle and stop functioning as a human for the time being. But she didn’t. She made it to work with Kim on time, gave her statement to multiple different agencies and units and lord knows who else, got her phone from evidence and took off the first chance she got.

She didn’t make it very far though, seeing as her car was nowhere to be found and she had carpooled with Kim to the precinct earlier. She should probably go back inside to figure out where her car was. Still at the raid location? Or did someone drive it to evidence or something? It wasn’t at the precinct, that’s all she knew. But she just wasn’t in the mood to talk to Platt right now - she was the one Hailey needed to talk to, if she wanted to find her car. Platt always knew where things were, what was going on. But Platt would ask about Jay, her “Chuckles”. And Hailey couldn’t deal with all that yet. She hadn’t even gone through her phone yet to see what, if anything, Jay had texted. And honestly? She needed to be home, alone, when she did that. Because of that one dreadful possibility. What if Jay hadn’t sent her anything at all? What if he had lied, made false promises and left her once again? Yeah. She needed to get home. Home. Where even was that anymore? Her cold apartment that never felt warm and cozy? Or Jay’s small shoebox where everything was a reminder of him? She’d go to her grandparents house if she could. That was her home. But she didn’t even know if the house was still there. Might have been sold to the city and bulldozed to the ground for all she knew.

“Hailey! Where are you going?” Kevin’s yell startled her from her thoughts. She turned towards his voice. She hadn’t seen Kevin since yesterday before the raid… Yesterday. How is it only a day since Jay left? “Hi, Kev. I just need to get home,” Hailey replied softly and closed the distance between Kevin and her. “Your car’s still on scene. You good to drive it yourself? I can give you a ride but I don’t know if you should be behind the wheel just yet,” Kevin’s eyes studied Hailey, and judging by the look on his face he wasn’t very pleased with what he saw. “Thanks. I’m fine, I promise. A ride would be great,” Hailey replied and put on her best ‘pretend you’re not dying from exhaustion’ face, even adding a little smile. Again, Kevin didn’t seem too pleased or convinced. “Well, let’s go then. Adam and Dante have their statements to give first so I have some time. Lunch?” Kevin kept his tone light and motioned for Hailey to follow him to his car. Hailey was thankful for the lack of lecturing or insistent questioning about her state of mind or physical wellbeing. Kevin just knew better, he always did. They walked to Kevin’s car in silence, Hailey trailing a few steps behind as her shorter feet couldn’t match Kevin’s pace, even without aching ribs.

Hailey’s car was at the scene where she had parked it the day before. She felt so drained as she sat behind the wheel. She barely had the energy to start the engine and start driving to Jay’s. But she summoned the energy from somewhere.

Hailey parked her car in the underground parking garage while Kevin used the other spot above ground. She had given him the keys to Jay’s apartment as it was likely that he would make it there before she did, and she was right. She’d been doing her best to drive as fast as possible -whilst going the speed limit, naturally- but every turn of the wheel was agony for her and her ribs. So she took a few extra minutes to get there, Kevin had already made it to the apartment and was rummaging through Jay’s freezer in search of a meal by the time Hailey snuck through the front door that Kevin had left unlocked for her.

“Any preference? Astonishing, really. If this was my freezer I wouldn’t be able to fit half this stuff in here. Jay’s like a tetris master or something,” Kevin rambled as soon as he saw Hailey enter his field of vision. She appreciated his attempt at casualness. Like nothing was wrong. “If there’s tomato soup or beef stew then that. If not then you choose. Just read the labels,” Hailey replied and dragged a chair from the table closer to the kitchen, and took a seat with a long sigh. Kevin sent her a brief glance but quickly returned his attention to the contents of the freezer. “Let’s see… he should really improve his handwriting. I think this is beef stew. Pots still in the corner cabinet?” Kevin asked, holding a plastic container of what was assumed to be stew. Hailey nodded and almost offered to help. Almost. There wasn’t much to do, and she really didn’t have the mental capacity for it. So she watched lazily as Kevin searched through the drawers and grabbed a large wooden spoon, fetched a small pot from the corner cabinet and busied himself with reheating the meal. 

“So. Have you texted him yet?” Kevin asked sometime later when they were eating the stew. Even Hailey’s slightly concussed brain was immediately able to decipher who Kevin meant. Jay. She hadn’t, and she told Kevin as much. “Has he texted you at least, or tried to call?” Kevin asked again, and Hailey had to shrug. Ouch, that somehow jostled her brain in the wrong way. “I haven’t looked yet. Evidence turned my phone off. Or my battery died. I don’t know if I want to look to be honest,” she replied with a low voice. The words were soft spoken, a secret not to be heard by curious ears. Kevin seemed understanding, he simply nodded his head and continued eating. It took her a moment to do the same. Suddenly she wasn’t really that hungry anymore. The pit in her stomach was back. The Jay pit. What if he hadn’t messaged her…

“Did you bring your charger? Let’s turn that phone on then, shall we?” Kevin’s voice was a little too cheerful, he was probably a little nervous too. Jay had promised all of them that he would stay in contact, not just Hailey. She shrugged again. “Should be in the bedroom. It could just be turned off,” Hailey muttered and reached for the phone that was resting innocently on the table. Her hand hovered just above the phone for a moment before she got a grip of her emotions and took the phone. She held the side button to see if it had any energy in the battery. She couldn’t help but gasp softly when the screen lit up after a couple seconds of holding the button. Oh no. She really didn’t want that to happen. Her breathing hitched up, ribs immediately protesting the quickened pace of inhaling and exhaling. She welcomed the pain though. It was almost grounding in a way. “It’s okay, Hails. I can check if you want,” Kevin offered and reached with his hand, letting it rest against the table just the perfect distance away from Hailey’s hand and the phone. She blinked slowly, certain that it would force the tears to make their way back to where they came from. She nodded her head and shoved the phone towards Kevin’s awaiting hand. Hailey had to turn her head away, she couldn’t bear to witness it. The ringing in her ears was back. Was it because of the concussion? She needed to calm down. 

“Three messages. Look for yourself.” Hm? Oh. Kevin. Wait. Three messages? “From Jay?” Hailey’s shaky voice asked. She couldn’t believe it. When had she closed her eyes? She opened them slowly and turned to look at Kevin, who held the phone out for her to take. “All from Jay. I didn’t open them,” Kevin confirmed and gently waved the phone around as if to tease Hailey to grab it. Her hand shook as she reached for the phone. She grabbed it and looked at the screen. Indeed, there was a red bubble with the number three on it, right next to Jay’s name. “I’ll give you a minute,” Kevin stood up and gathered the dirty dishes and quietly walked over to the kitchen, leaving Hailey alone in the living slash dining room. 

Ribs moaning in protest, Hailey made the short trek from the table to the couch. She carefully took a seat, and tightened her grip on the phone. If she squeezed just a little tighter, the phone would surely snap. She used her free hand and gently tapped Jay’s name on the screen. 

Yesterday, August 28th, 9.56pm:
Safely in Bogota. Yes, I’m aware I didn’t write it correctly. What are you going to do, arrest me? * wink emoji * Boarding starts in about seventy-five minutes, might take a nap. Thinking of you.

Hailey let out a wet laugh. Jay had truly kept his promise. Wet splotches fell on the screen of her phone as the tears from earlier made their comeback in a roar. Jay never used emojis unless he was actually making an effort. Hailey wiped her eyes and ran the phone’s screen against the fabric of her jeans to dry the tears away. 

Today, 5.02am:
Wheels down in La Paz a while ago. Man I’m so beat. Wish you were here to help me sleep. Not sure when you’ll see this, internet connection is bad here. Better once I’m at base, Green should be here to pick me up. Waiting for luggage then I’m off to find him. Miss you so much already. 

Hailey checked the time. That was what, eight hours ago? Or that’s when she received it at least. And with the time difference… Jay was one hour ahead of her, right? God, she missed him so much too. 

Today, 8.53am:
Green’s driving skills suck. I wonder how they let him leave base all by himself… nearly crashed three times on the ride from the airport to base. Gonna rest up today, connection should be good if you want to video call later. Should be free all day unless I’m dead asleep, give me a call if you want. Kind of miss the weather there already, too hot and damp here. Thinking of you. Love you.

That was the final straw for Hailey’s grip on her emotions. It was barely there to begin with, but now it was gone completely. Quickened breathing turned into sobs, slowly falling tears transformed to large streams running down her cheeks, staining her clothes and the couch with wet splotches. She couldn’t believe it. Jay had sent her a message. No, not just one. But three. And he said “love you”. Sure, Jay had said it before. But he said it now. When they were at their most vulnerable, most exposed. Hailey’s shaky fingers grabbed the phone and she struggled to see past the tears, but somehow managed a reply. ‘I miss you so much too. I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t respond sooner. Raid was a disaster-everyone’s OK. I’ll call you in an hour? Love you.’

A slight knock on the doorframe caught Hailey’s attention. Oh right, Kevin was still here. She turned to look at him. He was leaning against the frame with an uncertain expression and a small smile on his lips. “You doing alright?” he asked once Hailey’s attention was on him. He approached slowly, giving her a chance to tell him to get lost. He was holding something. A pack of tissues. Bless his heart. Hailey sniffled and wiped her face with the hem of her shirt. Yuck. A quick cough to clear her throat, a short nod of her head. “Yeah. I’m okay. I was just so worried that he wouldn’t text me. He told me before that he would. The first time when he left I mean. But he didn’t. And I just..,” Hailey’s voice trailed off and she sniffed again. Kevin took a seat on the couch next to her and placed the pack of tissues between them. She grabbed one immediately and blew her nose. She dried her face with another tissue, and threw them both on the small coffee table. She spared Kevin a quick look before speaking again. “He’s landed safely, and is at the base. He can’t tell me where exactly that is. But umm, I said I’d call him in an hour, he said that it was okay,” she explained to Kevin, who nodded along and listened with a sympathetic look. “That’s rough, not knowing where exactly he is. I hate to do this right now, but I’m probably expected back at the precinct soon. For my statement I mean. You cool if I head off?” Kevin looked so uncertain that it tugged at Hailey’s heart. Some days Hailey wondered what she had done to deserve such caring friends. “Of course, go ahead. Umm, I told Voight that I’d forward him my medical report once I get it. If he asks, can you remind him that I’ll be off work completely for two weeks and then desk duty for another two, minimum?” Hailey asked as she stood up and approached Kevin. Her friend didn’t need another second to guess her intentions as he opened his arms and welcomed her into his embrace. He was careful not to hug her too tight, yet Hailey found the gesture extremely comforting. She didn’t realize how badly she needed a hug until she was safely in Kevin’s arms. “Sure, yeah. I’ll do that. Hey. It’s going to be alright. He is going to be alright. He’s too stubborn to be anything but alright,” Kevin tried to lighten the mood, and the attempt was so bad that Hailey had to laugh. “Yeah, sure. He was definitely fine the last time he came back from Bolivia..,” she quipped sharply without meaning to. Kevin ended the hug and playfully shoved Hailey’s shoulder. “You know what I mean. Call me if you need anything, alright?” he said with a smile and took a few steps back toward the door. “Go before Voight calls in a search party for you. I’ll be fine,” Hailey said and waved him goodbye before collapsing back onto the couch. She watched as Kevin gathered his things and with a final goodbye left the apartment.

Sigh. What a day. And it was barely even afternoon. Bing. Huh? Was that… A message notification. From Jay. Hailey could barely contain her excitement as she reached for the phone. She ended up dropping it not once but twice before she managed to calm herself enough to stop shaking so much. After four (!!) failed attempts to enter the password she finally got it, and the message chain with Jay was displayed before her eyes. And under a petite line read ‘one unread message:
You okay? I’ll be here, call sooner if you can.’ So short and direct, so Jay. Hailey’s finger hovered above the small call button and for some reason she found herself hesitating. Why? This was all she’d wanted since Jay left. To hear his voice, to see him again, even if it was through a phone screen. So why couldn’t she tell her body to press the button and call him? It’s fine. She said in her message that she’d call in an hour. So she still had almost forty-five minutes to prepare. Prepare to talk to her boyfriend slash ex-husband. Who just left her for the second time without talking it through with her. Again. Yeah. It’s fine.

There wasn’t much to use as a distraction in Jay’s apartment. He’d really embraced the minimalist lifestyle, and unless she wanted to read a book, an actual, physical book, then she was out of luck. Showering or taking a bath was too much of a chore with her banged up body. Kevin had cleaned up in the kitchen, he’d even wiped the table so there was nothing to clean either. Okay, seriously. What the hell was she doing? Jay was literally right there, just waiting for her to call and she’s out here looking for an excuse to not call him? Yeah right. Hailey grabbed her phone, firmly gripping it with her fingers as she stomped across the room and out into the small backyard. Ignoring the sharp pain in her torso, she pulled the garden table closer to the bench and picked up a small rock to use as a leaning point for her phone. She angled the phone so that her camera would pick her up nicely and she sat down on the bench. Hailey ran a hand through her hair in an attempt to make herself more presentable. She then unlocked her phone and without giving herself any more time to change her mind, she hit the video call button and leaned back, waiting for Jay to pick up.

Her heart was pounding faster and faster at each beep of the line ringing. Beeep. Thump-thump. Beeep. Thump-thump. Why isn’t he picking up? Thump-thump. She knew from past experience that after the next ring the call would automatically drop due to the other person not answering. Thump-thump. Bee- “For fuck’s sake Ruiz! Give me the phone or I’ll shove it so far up your-“ a blurry video showed up on the screen of Hailey’s phone, and Jay’s irritated voice could be heard off screen. She couldn’t make out who was holding the phone. Well, obviously it was someone named Ruiz, but still. Not much was visible on screen, perhaps half a finger partially covering the camera of Jay’s phone, and an out of focus room? or a tent maybe. It was hard to tell with how fast the person holding the phone was moving. Hailey almost opened her mouth to speak when the video got jostled around, and then it seemed like the phone was thrown from Ruiz’s hand, and for a while Hailey could make out a dimly lit inside of a large tent before the phone landed camera down on the ground. The line went black. 

“Jay?” Hailey called out carefully and leaned toward her phone. Rustling and muttered swearing could be heard from the other end of the call. Everything stayed black for a while longer until the phone was seemingly lifted from the ground and turned around. Jay’s face filled Hailey’s view. His hair was pointing at all the possible directions, he had dirt on his face, sweat gleaming on his skin, and the widest smile on his lips. “Hi baby,” he answered casually and adjusted his phone so that it wasn’t so close to his face. He seemed to be upright, walking, perhaps looking for a Ruiz-free spot to talk with her. But oh, how his voice made Hailey’s heart do somersaults. “Is this a good time?” Hailey teased and watched as Jay seemed to find a suitable spot for himself. “Oh that was just Ruiz. You remember him, right? We all talked a while back. He’s that ugly bastard that doesn’t know when it’s best to leave things be,” Jay replied, still sporting a wide smile that was now a little more calmed down. He ran a cloth over his face to wipe away some of the dirt he presumably acquired while wrestling with Ruiz. “So. Tell me about this raid. You look tired, everything okay?”

They spoke for hours, or maybe it was just under sixty minutes, yet it was not long enough. They spoke until Hailey’s throat was sore and her eyes were threatening to close on her. Hailey had learned that since he had left, Jay hadn’t slept for more than five hours and yet to Hailey’s eyes, he didn’t seem at all tired. She understood. This was where he belonged. With his brothers. Even before he left, she had noticed it in him. How he became more like his “old” self. Pre-Bolivia Jay. Confident, quippy. Sarcastic but in the best way possible. But also brooding. The Jay she originally fell in love with - and the Jay that abandoned her. Maybe not completely intentionally, but still. And honestly? It scared the shit out of Hailey. Sure, things were going okay but things weren’t “bad” per se the last time either. And look what happened.

Jay had promised, time and time again, that this time would be different. And a big part of Hailey truly believed it. But that small voice in her head was growing louder and louder the longer the video call went on. Even Jay’s mannerisms were different in a threatening way. In a way that started to convince Hailey that she would surely lose him all over again.

“I have to go soon, I can’t take all the screen time for myself,” Jay had said at the end of their call. A final spark that ignited the anxiety in Hailey. “Can’t you stay a bit longer?” she asked, pleaded. Begged. But Jay shook his head. “I’m sorry. Got to get briefed about the current state of things. You know how it is. I’ll text you. Love you,” he replied and the call ended, not even giving Hailey a chance to respond. She did have to admit that it seemed like the call dropped, maybe due to a bad signal. It probably wasn’t intentional from Jay. Probably. Hailey grabbed her phone from the table and hugged it against her chest, ribs moaning in protest. “I love you too..,” she whispered to the empty garden.

It was starting to get dark by the time she dragged herself back inside. She hadn’t planned on staying the night but now the thought of leaving was overwhelming. And thanks to Jay’s meal prep habits, she had a freezer full of cooked meals, just waiting to be eaten. To top it all off, she had the next two weeks off. Sure, it was medical leave, and not a vacation or anything. But it was just some achy ribs, nothing that Hailey hadn’t dealt with before. 

She probably should have eaten something, the remnants of the day’s lunch were nothing but a memory in her stomach. But she couldn’t find the motivation to do so. She wanted Jay, not food. She wanted him to stroke her hair as she leaned against all of his pillows, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep in. His arm loosely wrapped around her shoulders, stubble rubbing against her cheek. But she couldn’t have that. Not tonight, not for many more days or weeks to come. She’d need to settle for something else.

She wasn’t snooping around. She wasn’t. Because there wasn’t anything to discover. She’d spent several weeks at Jay’s already, she knew the place like her own. So when she wandered to the bedroom to rummage through the closet, looking for Jay’s thickest hoodie, she wasn’t snooping around. So what if she kind of already knew where the hoodie was, but decided to check a few other shelves before? Jay never told her not to. Or maybe it was assumed of her, not to go poking around. But she was a detective. All she did was poke her nose into other people’s businesses. Jay’s top shelf wasn’t any different. Come to think of it, she had never checked it out before. So if anything she was just doing her job. As a girlfriend. Make sure things are as they should be. 

She found it a little odd that the place had such high shelves. Actually no, it was smart. Small space and not much storage room. It’s not like Jay was bound to a wheelchair. He was taller than her anyway, so the shelf only seemed high to Hailey. She had to stand on her toes to reach whatever piece of clothing was there. And even then, she struggled to grab it. She couldn’t tell if there was more than one shirt(?) on the shelf , but she figured it must be just clothes. Nothing heavy to fall on her head. She could just fold everything neatly after she saw what was up there. She managed to grab a small piece of fabric between her fingers and gave it a firm tug. Two knitted sweaters came crashing down. But those weren’t the item that caught Hailey’s attention. Because between the sweaters was a brown file. She didn’t recognize the logo on the front, and she hadn’t knelt down yet to read the small print that was on it.

The smart move would have been to leave it, just put the file back on the shelf with the sweaters and forget about it. Jay had clearly gone the extra mile to hide the file. It wasn’t meant for her to see. But Hailey had a concussion, she wasn’t about smart moves that day. She clumsily stuffed the sweaters back into the shelf, grabbed the file from the floor and fetched the hoodie she had been “searching” for before snuggling up on the bed. She pulled the hoodie three sizes too large over her head, and sunk deeper into the mattress. With one more huff of air, she placed the file on her lap. 

Hailey now recognized the logo. It was a local insurance company. It was printed on the back side of the file. She furrowed her brows. Why would Jay hide an insurance report? She flipped the file. ‘Jason Halstead’. Odd. He never let people call him Jason. Almost all of his official paperwork had Jay as his name, even their marriage certificate had said Jay. Even through her concussion-clouded brain Hailey could sense that something wasn’t right. She sat more straight and hesitated. Last chance to back off. Hailey huffed and opened the file.

— — — — 

The fish were doing it on purpose, Will was sure of it. He’d even installed a trail camera to prove it. But the little bastards must have seen him install it as they refused to do it since he had put it up. But the proof was still undeniable: they were drowning his plants. Which sounded ridiculous as the plants were literally meant to be in water. But Will swore he’d seen it. The fish dragging the plants underwater and tugging them between the rocks so that they stayed submerged. He couldn’t figure out why. He’d tried to get it on video to share online on the koi fish group he had joined but alas, they kept evading his attempts. 

And that’s why Will was lying flat on his stomach between the bushes in their yard, observing the koi pond with binoculars. He hadn’t even mowed the lawn recently to let the grass gain some length and to conceal his position better. Nat had pointed out to him that it was extremely unlikely the fish would be able to see him. Because they’re underwater. In a pond. But Will wasn’t hearing it. His koi were some cunning and twisted variants. That was the only logical explanation for the whole situation. 

They were up to something. Will could sense it before anything even happened. He army-crawled on his stomach to get an even better advantage point on the pond, and adjusted the focus on his binoculars. The fish were almost doing it… nearly there. BZZZZ, BZZZZ. Oh, shit. Will was sure he had muted his phone completely. Apparently not. The fish scattered and vanished into the deeper water, and Will let the binoculars fall with a frustrated huff. He half expected it to be Natalie, scolding him for wasting his evening on something so silly. Will had to take a second look to check the caller ID. Hailey? Oh no. Jay left for Bolivia only a day ago. This better not be bad news about him. Will rested on his elbows as he answered the call. “Hi Hailey. Everything alright?” No reply. Will could hear Hailey’s breathing from the other end, so the line was still open. “Hailey?” Will tried again, concern in his voice. “Did you know? About the file?” she finally spoke. Ah. That explains it. Will didn’t even need to ask which file she meant. “I did. I read it, and I think you have too,” Will replied slowly, unsure how to proceed. “I just don’t get it. Why, why would he go back there?! After everything he went through? You’d think that he wants nothing to do with that place, right?” Hailey’s voice grew more and more agitated with each word. Will wanted to agree with her. Because he did. But was that what she truly needed to hear right now? Will didn’t know. “Yeah, tell me about it. But I take it you at least knew beforehand that he was leaving again? All I got was a phone call from an airport in Columbia,” Will quipped in response. “Wait what? Didn’t he tell you when he visited in July?” Hailey sounded genuinely shocked and confused. Well yeah, join the club.

“Hold on. He knew back then? That he was going? I’m gonna kill him,” Will grumbled after the initial shock wore off. The line was silent for a while, Hailey probably realized that she had over shared. “I thought that’s why he visited you… to tell you in person. I’m sorry, Will,” she eventually said with a quiet voice. “Yeah… me too, Hailey. Me too” Will replied with a sad smile even if she couldn’t see it. “So. You read the file,” he added to steer the conversation back to its original topic. “Why does he even have this? He never told me about it,” Hailey’s voice was quiet, defeated in a way that made Will feel sorry for her. “Why are you reading it if Jay didn’t tell you about it?” Will countered before he answered her question. The timing just didn’t make sense. “I found it. By accident. I know I shouldn’t have, blame my concussion brain,” Hailey’s half attempt at a joke didn’t have the desired effect on Will. The doctor in him perked up at the mention of an injury. “I’m so lost. What concussion?” 

Will spent the next ten minutes listening to Hailey recap the events of the raid and the fallout from it. At the end he couldn’t help but chuckle. They were a great match, Jay and her. Danger magnets the two of them. “I still don’t get it. Having a concussion doesn’t explain why you were at his place in the first place to find the file,” Will pondered, and Hailey sighed rather loudly. “I miss him, okay? Besides, he gave me the keys so that I could empty his fridge. So I’m allowed to be here. I just wanted to be near him, alright?” her tone was tense, and Will understood. “I get it. Sorry, that was a dumb question. Back to the file, did you finish it?” Will inquired carefully. Even he as a doctor had a hard time reading it, and while Hailey must have witnessed god knows what as a detective, this was still a whole different story.

 “I did… How is he not dead, Will?” Hailey replied after a long pause. Will had asked the same question many times himself ever since he read through the file. Depending on how you looked at it, Jay should be dead. All the infections alone were enough to kill a man. Add the dehydration, blood loss, trauma… Yeah. Will was in awe of his brother. “Hailey, I know you have a lot of questions. But I think those are for Jay to answer, don’t you agree? I wish I could be there for you, but I can’t leave Natalie, I’m sorry,” Will said apologetically, and pushed himself off the ground into a seated position. God, he was getting too old for hiding in the bushes. “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, I don’t know why I called you..,” Hailey muttered and her voice grew more and more quiet. Will immediately shook his head. “Hey, none of that. You can always call me. We’re family, right?” he said firmly but fondly. He truly considered her a part of his family. Even if she and Jay were in a complicated situation at the moment. 

They didn’t talk for long after that. Hailey was clearly exhausted from the revelation of everything Jay had suffered while in Bolivia, and as an added bonus, she still had that concussion, so Will didn’t want to keep her from getting rest. If she was able to get any that was. Will briefly told Hailey about the koi fish situation, and was pleased with himself when Hailey laughed at the whole affair. He also updated her on Natalie’s pregnancy and how the baby could be here any day now - it was still a while from her due date but Will just had a feeling that the little one would be a tiny bit early. Or maybe he simply couldn’t wait to meet his firstborn child. After a final reassurance that Hailey could always call Will whenever she needed, they ended the call.

— — — — — —

Five days later

She was still feeling unsettled in her own skin. Most nights she had… not nightmares per say, but something similar, about the file and its contents. Unsettling dreams where she felt like something bad was about to happen yet nothing usually did. Jay was always there. And so was a faceless man, the one Hailey knew to be Mendoza. But she didn’t know what he looked like, which only made the eerie feeling worse. Hailey woke up in cold sweat, unable to fall back asleep. She wished she’d never found the damned file. But no, she just had to be too nosy for her own good. Her mother always used to scold her about it. Should have listened to her. 

But Hailey also knew that she needed to know. What happened to Jay. Everything. And Jay would never have told her even if she asked about it. Maybe it was better this way. Her suffering alone and Jay none the wiser. They’d texted each other in the last few days and while Jay seemed to sense that something was off about her, she didn’t tell him, and he didn’t push it. He probably thought it was just the longing, stress, worrying about him. All options that Hailey would rather use as an excuse than tell him the truth. 

She hadn’t called Will again. Didn’t want to be a bother. Besides, she was fine. She was dealing with it. How, you might ask? The only way she knew. Research online. A good detective needs to do solid investigative work and research before building a case, and what better way to find information than by searching the internet? She’d have the file open on the dinner table, laptop next to it, and she’d scan through the file, looking for medical jargon she didn’t understand. She’d type it into the search bar and read through multiple pages to compare the information. Sometimes she shut the laptop with a shocked gasp, sometimes her eyes just started staring at the screen, glazed, unfocused. Until the lock screen popped up and she was snapped out of it. She was dealing with it. 

‘I probably can’t text for a while. Everything’s fine. Just joining a convoy for surveillance, could take up to a week. I’ll text you when I’m back.’ Jay wrote that day. Hailey had been attempting a bath, but her ribs made the process challenging and slow, so by the time she had soaked for a while, and gotten herself clean and dried up, Jay wasn’t around to respond quickly to her reply. ‘I thought you were supposed to stay at base? Well, stay safe and keep out of trouble. I’ll miss you.’ It bothered her a little that Jay hadn’t said anything … affectionate. Just said that he’d text. She was probably over analyzing things again. Jay was likely in a hurry and quickly sent an explanation for his absence in the following days. She should be glad she even got a text at all. Besides, Jay might still text something back. He can’t sit by his phone all the time. 

He didn’t text back. Not that day, or the next.

Eventually Hailey was ready to return back to work. She’d been cleared for light duty, but even that seemed to be too much in Voight’s opinion. He tried to persuade her to work half shifts, or come to work every other day. But she needed the distraction. Jay still hadn’t gotten back to her, and it had been a week already when she returned to work. Soon it had been ten days, then 15. If things continued to go like this for much longer, Hailey would be cleared to go back to full time work before Jay got back to her. And it was fine, she understood. So she told Voight, insisted, that she work regular hours, maybe even overtime if the team had to. She knew that they needed the help, she’d been away for two weeks and Torres had only just returned and was catching up on his own work while helping with the shared tasks. Voight had no choice but to agree with Hailey’s request as she was making some fair arguments. 

Eighteen days after their last message exchange, Jay texted again. Hailey was doing a coffee run for the team - she wasn’t quite ready for field work just yet, and sitting in the office all day was giving her a headache, so she had started fetching coffees for everyone, even Torres, when she had a chance - and had accidentally left her phone at the precinct. Not like she could be called to a scene anyway. She at least had her radio if she really needed to contact someone or be reached. 

Hailey returned from the coffee shop by the corner with two trays of coffee, spent a few extra minutes chatting with Platt before heading up the stairs to find an empty bullpen. Everyone should be back from a scene any minute now. She just liked to have the coffees ready and waiting for everyone… what was happening to her? She was becoming soft. She chuckled to herself as she took a seat at her desk, and nudged the mouse to awaken her computer. In the last couple of weeks she had really put a big dent in the office paperwork. All of her personal files were finished, and since Torres was still getting assigned to the boring stakeouts, he was behind on his share of the general paperwork, and Hailey was so bored that she willingly offered to help out a little. What she didn’t know was that she was so bored that she sometimes spent almost the entire shift just working on files, nose buried in piles and piles of folders and evidence boxes. Platt kept teasing her about enjoying the work a little too much for a field working detective, and Hailey did her best to deny it every time.

Only the noise coming from the staircase brought her out of her zone. She hadn’t even taken a sip of her coffee yet, she’d gone straight back to her reports and files without the intention of working so long. She pushed herself away from the computer, grabbed her phone and turned her chair to greet whoever was coming up the stairs. Hailey wasn’t expecting to find a notification on her phone, so when she tapped the screen and saw Jay’s name on the screen she almost yelped in surprise. She turned in her chair, teammates in the stairs long forgotten.

‘Sorry it’s been so long. Hated keeping you waiting. I’m okay. Not a scratch on me. A bridge collapsed and blocked our route to base. It collapsed before we were on it, don’t worry. Didn’t have service, I tried to get permission to use the sat phone to call you but they didn’t think it was important enough to risk our location. Hope you’re okay, back at base later tonight. Miss you. I love you.’
A wide smile spread on Hailey’s face as she read the message. It had been sent almost half an hour ago, so a new reply from Jay was unlikely if she was to send a rushed text back. So for now, she reacted to the message with a heart emoji and made a mental note to return to it later. 

“What’s got you grinning like a cat with a mouse over there?” Adam jabbed as he collapsed into his chair. Hailey looked up from her phone and was met with the whole team staring at her with amused looks. Oh, right. She knew they were coming back from the scene. “Do you even need to ask? It’s Jay, obviously,” Kevin chuckled and reached for his coffee that Hailey had gotten for him.  “Damn, finally! What did he say?” Adam leaned against his desk and waited impatiently for Hailey’s response, who rolled her eyes in amusement. “Not much. Just that he’s okay but didn’t have signal until now. Might catch him again later tonight,” Hailey faked a calm demeanor. She didn’t want to give them the satisfaction of knowing how much she had waited, needed this message from Jay. Well, it  might have been obvious to a room full of cops. But still, she wanted to at least seem like she wasn’t about to squeal and jump around, phone clutched against her chest. “Uh huh. Well, the break room’s free if you need some alone time to process that. You look like you’re about to burst,” Kim teased as she sipped her coffee. Smart woman, she’d kept her distance and was too far for Hailey to smack. Could always throw an eraser at her. “All right, all right. That’s enough, thank you,” Hailey muttered with hot cheeks from all the teasing, fiddling with an eraser just in case she needed to launch an aerial attack against anyone who kept teasing her too much. When no more teasing came her way, she dropped the eraser and focused back on the files and reports in front of her. 

— — — — — — 

Jay smiled at his phone. He’d been so worried that Hailey wouldn’t understand why he hadn’t messaged sooner. Sure, Hailey was reasonable and understanding to a point. But he had already damaged that trust and understanding in the past, and he didn’t want to make that mistake again. She hadn’t replied anything besides the heart emoji yet, but it was enough to reassure him that they were still good. Jay didn’t truly think that they were that fragile, but still he hated leaving her hanging like that for almost three weeks. Damn mudslides, they had destroyed several bridges in the area that they were operating in. Yeeah, about that. Jay might have not told Hailey, or anyone else, the entire truth. He was indeed operating and not just observing. As in he was actively participating in recon missions, leaving the safety of the base and its armored vehicles and helicopters. He never liked to make a huge deal about it but he had a lot of connections in the Rangers. So even though he was no longer an active service member, he was still granted special privileges that allowed him to work as a private contractor, and not a consultant like he had told Hailey and the others. And look, it’s not like Jay had outright lied, alright? He might have just left out some very important details, and downplayed everything. A lot. … Hell, maybe he did lie after all. 

“All right, you’re good to go Halstead,” a medic said and tapped Jay on his helmet. Jay quickly stuffed his phone away and stood up. “Thanks. Sorry again for the bother,” Jay said and tested his foot. The heavy rains that had caused the mudslides had also turned the entire area into one large slippery mud field, and Jay was only one of the many casualties that had fallen to their faces thanks to it. A guy from another unit had even broken his wrist when he fell, but luckily Jay wasn’t that badly hurt. He only slightly twisted his ankle, and due to the fact that he only had one left to begin with, he felt it best to get it checked out just in case. It wasn’t painful to walk on, not really, but again, Jay just wanted to be sure. “No bother, Halstead. That’s what I’m here for. You can take the wrap off tomorrow morning if you want. It’s barely a sprain, I don’t think that in normal circumstances it would bother you at all. But since you’re our new super-soldier, I can’t have you fall into pieces in less than a month, now, can I?” the medic joked and scribbled something on his notebook. Jay rolled his eyes at the nickname but didn’t mind it. 

He actually preferred the lighthearted approach to his… injury? condition? lack of a leg. Almost everyone in the military knew someone who had been seriously injured like Jay was, but it was rare for service members to return to duty after such cases. Jay had worried that people wouldn’t welcome him back, or worse, tiptoed around him, too afraid to talk to him in case they mentioned his leg situation. But Jay had worried about nothing, everyone treated him like they did before. Only with a new set of jokes and teasing, which was honestly refreshing since some of the jokes were several years, if not over a decade old. 

“Thanks, I’ll keep it until tomorrow just to be safe,” Jay confirmed and gathered his things to leave the small medical tent. They were currently in a temporary setup just outside their base, as the rain and landslides had knocked down one of the outer sections of the fence, and it needed to be guarded until it was fixed. And, since the roads were smashed to bits, it was taking the reinforcements some extra time to reach the base as they couldn’t utilize helicopters or planes for all their equipment. So a few units, including Jay’s, had been relocated to guard the fence at its weakest point. Jay from a few years ago would have found the task extremely boring and too unimportant for such a skilled soldier as him, but now he was just glad to be back there with his men. 

“What’s the verdict, Halstead? Axe to the remaining ankle too?” Ruiz, one of Jay’s unit mates, asked as Jay exited the tent. Ruiz had a mighty impressive look of concern on his face, but Jay knew him well enough to see through his facade. “Oh yeah, practically sent me to the morgue,” Jay replied with a serious tone, and gently shoved Ruiz’s shoulder. The older man - by only a few months! he’s not ancient - laughed and started following Jay to their temporary barracks. “This makes me miss the sandbox, don’t you think?” Ruiz pointed at the muddy ground after the pair had been walking for a short while. Jay laughed in disbelief. “You’re kidding, right? I’d take this muddy shit ten times worse than the damn sand,” Jay replied and made a point to shudder visibly at the thought of Afghani sand. Jay swears he still sometimes finds grains of that damned desert sand in the oddest of places. He does! “We better turn around back to the med tent. You’re clearly delusional,” Ruiz quipped and sprinted ahead to escape Jay’s curled fists. Jay shook his head with a smile, and watched as Ruiz did his best to sprint through the muddy field without slipping and falling. He reminded Jay of Adam sometimes. They’d get along well, if they ever crossed paths. Soon Jay and Ruiz blended into the mass of soldiers navigating through the mud and slick. Despite the weather conditions, the mood in the camp was high. 

— — — — — —

Hailey didn’t truly expect Jay to reply to her message soon, or even the same night. She’d kept her mind and hadn’t messaged him from work. Instead she thought about what she would write when she got home to Jay’s place after her shift. Today was the first time since Hailey got back to work after the raid incident that she willingly left work early. Voight had huffed at her when she knocked on his door to let him know that she was done for the day. But it wasn’t a huff of disapproval. More like a ‘I know what’s going on’ kind of huff. 

So here she was, in her ex-husband-now-boyfriend’s apartment, sitting on his bed, phone in hand, message almost done. She could send it as it was. But it felt empty, hollow in a way that she couldn’t understand. Jay wouldn’t think so, she was sure. But she needed it perfect. Not that there was much to say. They never were the couple who wrote cute and romantic little notes to each other, didn’t text goodnight every day, or anything of that nature. They’d always just… been together. And it was enough. So why was she so uncertain, so afraid to write a simple message to him now? Their relationship was stronger than ever, they parted ways in good faith, and Hailey knew that this time Jay would not leave her. 

So why couldn’t she send the damn message? This was ridiculous. Hailey straightened her back, exhaled all the air from her lungs and pressed send. There. She tossed her phone onto the bed and quickly beelined to the bathroom to take a shower. And that was fine, normal. It wasn’t like she was actively avoiding the possible response message from Jay. Because she wasn’t. She just really needed a shower. After a day of sitting behind her desk and tapping her fingertips raw against the sun-yellowed plastic of the keyboard. 

As Hailey stood under the flowing water, she watched the soap bottles on the shelf. Her products had slowly but surely taken over Jay’s. He didn’t mind though. “Makes it feel more homey,” Jay had once said when Hailey had made a half attempt at an apology for stealing all the shelf space. Typically she stuck with her own soaps and shampoos, but today she needed something else. She missed him so badly. She didn’t particularly love Jay’s soaps, but they smelled like him. And right now it was one of the best smells in the whole world. She took a graceful amount of soap from Jay’s body wash and scrubbed herself clean. It was such a simple thing yet it made her feel more settled and stable than she had been in days. 

— — — — —

Hailey and Jay eventually found their rhythm. Unfortunately, due to both of them living busy and unpredictable lives, they were unable to video call on most weeks. They also rarely were around when the other sent a message, which led to them waiting for hours for a response from the other. But still, Hailey didn’t mind. Jay had kept his promise. He messaged almost daily, usually about four to six times a week, sometimes even multiple times per day. The messages were simple, he couldn’t really give Hailey any actual updates, but she didn’t mind. Jay could have sent her just the word “alive” and she’d be content. Anything to know he was okay was good enough. 

Jay was sad to miss the birth of her niece, Esme. He had anticipated it but it didn’t make it any easier when he got a message from Will. Short and direct , just her time of birth and weight. And her first name, Jay still didn’t know her full name and she was a couple of weeks old already. Jay understood why Will didn’t call, but a part of him wondered if Will was still too angry to even try and call. He just hoped that one day Will would understand and forgive him. Jay would hate to have doomed his relationship with his niece slash goddaughter before he even had a chance to meet her. Jay had briefly mentioned his concerns to Hailey, and she had been quick to reassure him that Will was just worried and wasn’t truly upset with him. Jay would believe it when he saw Will in person. He had made an effort to find time to message Will once a week. He kept things simple, didn’t push it too much. Will didn’t always reply, and Jay understood. 

When Jay had first moved in with Voight, he had hoped to spend the next Christmas in his own place. He’d completed at least half of that goal. He had his own place, but he wasn’t sure if he’d make it back in time for the holidays. And it wasn’t because of lack of progress. Jay’s unit was working almost day and night, participating in recon missions, raids, intelligence operations… They collaborated with a few other units, and some local law enforcement agencies as well, and Jay personally sat behind a desk more than he liked, going through pages and pages of intel. 

The progress was visible, yet Jay felt like they were moving in circles. They hadn’t gotten any physical evidence of Mendoza’s location in weeks. They’d photographed his second in command a few times, but Mendoza himself proved to be extremely evasive. They had a general idea of his location, but couldn’t make any moves until they knew for sure what door to kick down. And right now, after over two months of hard work, they had his location narrowed down to a single village of about nine hundred people. At least seven hundred of those were civilians, potential innocent casualties if Jay and the rest of them moved in too fast. They needed to be patient, turn over every stone and have undeniable, concrete proof of Mendoza’s location. And a scarcely built village of nearly a thousand inhabitants wasn’t specific enough, not even close. 

Jay kept his cool though. Every day took him one step closer to getting justice. Jay had waited a long time already, he could wait a few more weeks. Especially now that he was actively working on getting said justice, instead of sitting home waiting for everyone else to search and deliver that justice for him. Jay only hoped that Hailey was as patient as he was. 

Haily hadn’t directly asked Jay about the timeline... yet. But Jay could sense her growing anxiety and frustration. Jay just kept texting ‘we’re so close to catching him’ over and over that the words started losing their meaning. Hailey probably didn’t fully believe him anymore. Perhaps she thought that Jay was doing it on purpose, prolonging his stay overseas. And, listen, okay? Jay loved it here. He’d missed it so much. His brothers, the community, the feeling of mattering and making a difference. But he also missed Hailey. Besides, he had promised her to come back as soon as possible. So he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that promise. 

Hailey sometimes felt like Jay was slipping away from her. There were days where his messages were hollow, empty. An obligation that he needed to fulfill, nothing more. There were days when she thought she couldn’t bear it anymore, the not knowing when, or if he would come back. There were days when the simplest of things reminded her of Jay in a way that made her heart ache. Like standing in line at the coffee shop near the precinct, and seeing a couple sitting at one of the few tables in the cafe, heads pressed together, hands clasped under the table. She and Jay never did that. Drink their coffees in a cafe. They always took them to go. They didn’t have the time to sit around and sip their coffees, just enjoy the moment. They should have found the time. The longer Jay was gone the more she started to think that she’d never get to sit in a cafe with Jay. 

Hailey was growing tired of the endless questions from everyone. “When’s Jay coming back?” “Did you talk to Jay today?” “When’s the last time you video called Jay?” Jay Jay Jay. It was all everyone ever talked to her about. She’d had enough. She was more than just her boyfriend. Except that she lived such a boring life that she didn’t have anything better to talk about. It was either work - and she couldn’t discuss open cases anyway - or Jay. She might have missed Jay so much that on some days talking about him was too painful, but she couldn’t exactly tell that to everyone else. She had to put up a strong front for Jay. Show everyone that she was supportive of him and his decision to leave. And she was. She believed in him and his right to make decisions about his own life. So it fell on her to keep everyone who would question that right in line. Did she want that role? No. But would she do it anyway? Yes. Because she loved him, and at the end of the day she would never truly lose faith in him. She’d wait for him, no matter how long it took. 

Chapter Text

Smell of pumpkin guts was never something that Hailey associated with happy childhood memories. She didn’t have many of those to begin with. She couldn’t imagine her father loving the smell of half a dozen partially carved pumpkins at the dining room table, and that must have been why she never got to carve a pumpkin until she was eleven and spent Halloween at her grandparents house. She never figured out why she was sent away that year, no one ever told her. It didn’t turn out to matter as she had the best Halloween ever. She just wished she could have gone back the next year, and the next. But she never got to go back. She had a broken family. And one good Halloween didn’t change a thing. 

She was usually too busy with work to do anything special for Halloween when she was with Jay. They both were. And working with Intelligence, you sort of saw enough horrors on an almost weekly basis. But Hailey missed carving pumpkins. It had taken her all week to pinpoint the exact reason for the deep ache in her chest. Pumpkin guts.

Back when Hailey and Jay first became a thing, before anything was… official, Jay took her to a small cafe just outside the city. It was more of a storage building that had been converted into a harvest season slash Halloween themed mess hall if Hailey was being honest. The owners, a pair of festival and holiday geeks, turned the hall into a sanctuary of whatever holiday was currently in season. Hailey thought it was a bunch of nonsense, and she was quite disappointed in Jay for thinking that she’d enjoy a place like that. She couldn’t believe that she wasted her precious day off for this sad excuse of a date. Oh, but how wrong she turned out to be.

Halloween eve, several years ago

Jay had booked one of the earlier times, so the so-called cafe wasn’t even half full. At least that Hailey appreciated. She really wasn’t in the mood to listen to a room full of love struck couples cooing over each other. When Jay left Hailey to sit at their table to fetch two pumpkins, she honestly contemplated making a hasty exit to her car, and driving away. But there was something in that building that made her want to stay. Hailey stared at the mug of steaming coffee in front of her, and nudged one of the cookies on the plate next to their mugs. Just like grandma’s.

Wait, what? The cookies. Hailey looked around for Jay, and found him standing in line, still waiting for the pumpkins. Some barely 21 year old kid seemed to be holding the line, taking his sweet old time picking up the best pumpkin for his girlfriend. Hailey rolled her eyes and turned back to the cookies. 

She’d seen them before, these exact cookies. She wasn’t much of a bakery shopper, and whatever they sold in grocery stores didn’t look like this. Homemade, full of love. Just like grandma. She was the best person Hailey had ever known. Full of love. Her hand shook as she reached for one of the cookies. She scrunched her nose for a second before her brain registered the brown dots on the cookie as chocolate, not raisins. She despised raisins on cookies. She broke the cookie in half, and gave it a good whiff. Her eyes closed, and a small smile spread on her face. Cinnamon. Pumpkin. A hint of vanilla. Just like grandma’s. She nibbled at the cookie, savoring each bite like it was the last meal she’d ever eat. 

The cookie wasn’t nearly as good as grandma used to make them. But it was the same, in a way. She hadn’t eaten a cookie like this in decades. She opened her eyes, and saw Jay sitting across from her, two pumpkins now on the table. Jay had a curious yet fond look on his face. “Everything okay?” he asked softly and shoved one of the pumpkins closer to her. She smiled, and wiped her eyes, not expecting the wetness. “Yeah. It’s perfect,” her voice was quiet, raw. Exposed in a way that Jay hadn’t witnessed before. “I bet mine will look better than yours,” Jay said with a wink and opened one of the tool kits he’d also picked up. Hailey half expected the kit to be full of those weird little gadgets you see in action movies when the main character is about to be tortured by the antagonist. But instead of ice picks, hatchets and whips, the leathery tool kit held a set of pumpkin carving tools. “You’ve either been watching too many movies, or you’ve been working too much,” Jay chuckled as he observed Hailey’s changing expressions. Hailey rolled her eyes and reached for the second kit. “Don’t I know it…”

“Thanks for this. I really needed this,” Hailey said at the end of their date. Both were holding their freshly gutted and carved pumpkins, specks of pumpkin juice and guts scattered over their clothes and hair. She hadn’t had this much fun in a long time. Jay walked alongside her and playfully shoved her shoulder. “You need a shower. You stink. And you’re covered in guts,” he said. “At least it’s not the usual sort of guts we’re covered in, right?” Hailey quipped and smiled. “You know, my offer still stands. Even if it’s not actual guts,” Jay said as they stopped walking, having arrived to their cars. Jay had wanted to drive her to the fine establishment where they currently were, but Hailey still wasn’t comfortable enough for some odd reason she couldn’t explain, and insisted on driving separately. Jay had respected her decision without arguing even once. “

And what offer is that?” Hailey tilted her head curiously. She genuinely couldn’t remember. Jay looked almost shy all of a sudden. He kicked the ground with his foot, avoided looking at her. Hailey cleared her throat to reclaim his attention. “Oh. Umm, if you need any help washing that off I mean. Back at the crime scene on 5th street, when your hair was matted with dried blood and sticks, leaves, a dead bug,” Jay’s voice grew more confident as he spoke, a small sparkle tingled in his eye. Ohh… OH! “You’re mister eco friendly all of a sudden?” Hailey teased and leaned against her car. Jay’s brows furrowed in confusion as he stepped closer. “Offering to shower with me. Save water,” she continued and placed her pumpkin on the roof of her car. Jay smirked and let his pumpkin fall free from his hold. It landed on the gravel with a determined thump as it split open. “Is that what they call it these days, huh?” Jay said as he leaned over her, face only a few inches away from hers. “You better watch it. My pumpkin deserves better treatment than yours,” Hailey said and playfully shoved him back, and grabbed her pumpkin before it accidentally met the same fate as Jay’s. “Your place or mine?” Jay asked as he picked up the biggest chunks of pumpkin. “Mine,” Hailey replied and unlocked her car. They shared one last smirk before she entered her car, and lost sight of him.

Hailey still had a photo of those pumpkins. An actual, framed photograph. It used to be in the cluttered bookshelf in her bedroom. Nowadays she wasn’t entirely sure where it had ended up, but she was certain she still had it somewhere. 

Jay and her had made it a habit of theirs. To carve pumpkins every Halloween. They never talked about it at work, never shared pictures with anyone. It was their thing, even if it wasn't uniquely theirs. Millions of people carve pumpkins every year. But Jay and Hailey’s pumpkins weren’t for anyone else to see. It was their moment alone.

When Jay left for Bolivia the first time, she hadn’t even realized to mourn the loss of the tradition. But now that he was gone the second time, Hailey’s heart ached. Badly. He should be here, coming home from some random ranch hours away from the city, having hand picked two pumpkins for them to carve. Hailey had always said she’d be happy with the ones from the store down the street, and Jay always insisted they had to be directly from a farm. A farm where he could personally go out to the fields and harvest them. She was never invited to join him, and she didn’t mind. Not that she would have gone if he had asked. She was content with the photos Jay would always send from his journey to the farm and back. She wasn’t even sure where exactly the farm was. But this year, she had needed to figure it out. 

It was a good thing that she was a detective, and had extra resources at her disposal, or otherwise she would never have found the same exact farm where Jay used to go. So that’s where she spent her Halloween morning. Driving back and forth for several hours, just to get two stupid pumpkins. She had talked to Jay about it, and he had insisted that she go to the corner store instead of driving for no reason, since he wouldn’t make it home in time to carve them with her. It had only been two months, Jay had said. Only. That word has so many different definitions. Only two months. To her, it felt like a lifetime. She’d only just gotten him back. What if she lost him again, and this time it wasn’t temporary? They had so many pumpkins to carve. Several decades worth of pumpkins, waiting for their faces and designs. He couldn’t leave her again. He had to come back. If not for this year’s pumpkin then the next year’s. 

Hailey shook her head in an attempt to gather her thoughts as she stared at the two pumpkins in front of her. One was fully finished, the other was halfway through the gutting process. Hailey had asked Jay to send her a picture of the design he wanted to do this year - yes, kind of a silly thing to do considering their situation, but she needed to do this - and Jay had obliged with no complaints. Hailey had taken both of their “gutting kits” - as Jay so charmingly called them - from the storage, just out of habit before even realizing that she would only need one this year. At least she was carving pumpkins this year. 

“This is pointless,” she muttered as she shook her head again, convinced that if she shook it hard enough, she’d be able to get out of her head and focus on the rest of the task. She still needed to remove some of the flesh from the pumpkin, but she couldn’t. She was fine when it was her pumpkin, but this one was Jay’s. She couldn’t do it anymore. She had been able to carve hers no issue, she even had a grin on her face like a stupid kid half the time she was gutting and carving. But she needed Jay for this. Tears of frustration were starting to make their presence known at the corner of her eyes, and no matter how hard she bit her teeth together, she couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her face. 

Nine days later

‘Hi baby. Sorry I haven’t texted sooner. Service has been bad, but we are making progress. How was your Halloween? I’m free to video call in about two hours if you have time. Miss you.’ Hailey stared at her phone’s screen, numb. Jay hadn’t contacted her in almost two weeks, and now that he finally did, she didn’t know what to do with it. It was always the same thing with Jay. He was sorry that he didn’t message more often. Things were moving slower than anticipated but they were making some progress. He always missed her. And she always sent the same reply. That she missed him too. Told him to be safe. Come back soon. But nothing changed. Jay was still gone, and she was still terrified that she would never get to see him again. But how could she bring that up to him? He didn’t need her doubts and worries, he needed her support and understanding. She was running low on both these days.

“Upton, you coming?” Torres shouted from the stairs. Right. The surveillance gig. The unit was in the final stages of making an arrest against a big drug producer, they just needed two or three more nights of surveillance on their hideout to establish their routines and patterns. She kept volunteering for each gig. Not like she had anything else to do with Jay gone. No one waiting for her to come home. Not even a sad little goldfish living in a miserably small fish bowl. Not that she’d ever put a fish in a bowl like that. Inhumane little pieces of garbage. “Yeah, give me a minute. I’ll be down in a sec,” Hailey replied to Torres and turned her attention back to the phone on the table. Its screen had gone black. She listened as Torres stomped down the stairs. Thump. Thump. Thump. Such a violent man. 

With a sigh Hailey unlocked her phone and typed a quick message to Jay. ‘Can’t today. Working late. Surveillance. Maybe next week. Love, H.’ Without a second thought, she pressed send, locked the screen, and stood up. Voight was still in his office, nose buried into a pile of files. She waved him goodbye in case he was watching. He didn’t wave back. Hailey stuffed her phone into the overly small pocket of her jeans, gathered up the rest of her things and strode off after Torres. She didn’t notice the buzz of her phone when Jay replied almost instantly.

“Is everything okay? With Jay, I mean,” Torres asked her a couple of hours into the gig. Hailey sighed for the umptheenth time that day. She wanted the old Torres back. The one who never mentioned Jay, and avoided any conversations about him. But ever since Torres got back from his temporary reassignment, he was acting all nice and calm when it came to Jay. At first Hailey thought it was a temporary act that Torres would get tired of soon, but it had been weeks now, and Torres was still acting this way. 

“You’re meant to observe the scene, not me. Focus on the task,” Hailey replied dryly, and adjusted the binoculars. Torres muttered something under his breath, but she was unable to make out any words. Sigh. Might as well bite the bullet and get it over with. Hailey had two more nights of surveillance left, and since Torres had only recently made his return from the doghouse, he was going to be spending the nights with her. They needed to get along. 

“Okay, just say what’s on your mind then instead of mumbling something, trying to bait me into a conversation,” Hailey eventually broke the silence when Torres kept sighing loudly and changing his position just a little too often. The man raised his hands in surrender with a playful expression dancing on his face. Hailey hated it sometimes, how similar he and Jay were. “Just the same question as before. Is everything okay with Jay?” Torres asked calmly, under the false impression that Jay had somehow become a casual conversation topic for them. “Why do you bother at this point? I won’t go running to Voight if you just give up the act,” Hailey replied and made a short note on her tablet. ‘Guard change at 01.55. East gate.’ Torres seemed confused, so Hailey continued before he had a chance to say anything. “Just be your normal self about Jay. I don’t care. You don’t need to pretend anymore. You’ve earned your spot.” Torres’s expression changed from slightly confused to even more confused. “What are you on about? Didn’t Jay tell you that we talked?” his answer confused Hailey even more. What was going on? 

“So. Just to summarize everything you just told me. Before you came back, you called Jay. To talk. On your own free will. And you two are fine now,” Hailey’s words were almost painful to say out loud. How could Jay not mention any of this? What else was he keeping from her? “Like I said the last four times already, yes. I was in a bad headspace when he came back from Bolivia. But I sorted myself out, and I needed to apologize to him directly,” Torres was struggling to keep the frustration out of his voice. He’d been over this already, but Hailey was still too shocked to listen.

Torres should have seen this coming. When he talked with Jay, he seemed tight-lipped in a way. Secretive, almost. Not unwilling to talk with him, quite the opposite actually. Jay was glad to clear the air and sort things out, even if he had been surprised to get the call. After the pair finished talking about Torres’s behavior, they had moved on to some lighter topics. That’s when Jay grew more and more silent. He seemed to listen to Torres with genuine interest, but offered short, half-empty replies in return. Especially when it came to Jay’s work in Bolivia. Or Hailey. 

“Maybe we should talk about this some other time?” Torres suggested. They were on the clock, after all, and this seemed to be a bigger deal to her than Torres originally anticipated. Hailey seemed to consider his proposal for a while before shaking her head. “No. I mean, it’s fine. Let me update my notes first,” she scrambled together a response and typed down something on her tablet. Torres sighed, regretting even bringing up the whole Jay situation. It seemed to him that no matter how he felt about Jay, he couldn’t do it right. Before, he didn’t care about Jay, and that didn’t work. And now that he had buried the hatchet, it wasn’t enough either. 

“Why didn’t he tell me..?” Hailey muttered under her breath as she flipped the tablet’s protective cover shut. Even though Hailey said it rhetorically, she was still disappointed when Torres didn’t offer an explanation. The whole situation was a mess. She had honestly believed that Jay was done with all the lies and secrets, but clearly that was not the case. “I just, miss him so much. I feel like I’m losing him all over again,” she admitted quietly. Torres was the last person she expected to open up to, but here she was. “Listen. Jay’s a complicated man in some ways. And I don’t even pretend to know him that well compared to you or the rest of the team. But even a fool can see how much he cares about you. He never stopped loving you. He didn’t talk much about how things are going with him, but he did talk about you a little. He can’t wait to see you again,” Torres selected his words carefully. When he volunteered for the surveillance gig he hadn’t expected to become Hailey’s personal therapist. Or maybe this is what it meant to be a part of a team. To be there for each other, to listen and maybe even offer advice. “I hope you’re right, Dante. I want to wait for him, I really do. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this. It hurts me to be apart, but.., I can’t believe I’m about to say this but it hurts even more seeing his face on my phone screen and not being able to touch him,” Hailey’s words were like an admission of guilt, she barely got the words out. What sort of girlfriend was she, not wanting to see her own partner? 

“Okay, well then explain that to him. Don’t just leave him wondering what he did wrong. He’ll understand,” Torres tried. He couldn’t even begin to understand how Hailey was feeling, but usually talking things through was useful. Right? “And how do I explain this to him, hm? That I can barely bear to text him most days. That I’m so scared of allowing myself to feel close to him only for him to leave me again that I can’t even stand to look at him anymore..,” frustration was evident in Hailey. Torres wasn’t sure if it was just the exhaustion playing its tricks on him, but he could have sworn that he saw tears in Hailey’s eyes. “I don’t know how, okay? But you have to try. You two have been through too much to drift apart now. Promise me you’ll talk to him about this. Please?” the male detective wasn’t sure what else to say at that point. Hailey was spiraling, and he didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t give him a response, only shrugged her shoulders before picking up the binoculars again. 

— — — — — 

A few weeks later, somewhere in Bolivia

“Fuck!” The team turned in sync to face the source of the frustrated yelp. Halstead. He’d been in a mood for a while now. He’d been trying to hide it, but his leg was clearly giving him more grief than he wanted to admit. Add girlfriend trouble to the mix, and you got yourself a proper Jay Halstead disaster. Green looked at the rest of his team. He was met with concerned faces.

“You should go talk with him. This isn’t working for him anymore,” Ruiz eventually said, and a few of the others nodded in agreement. Green sighed and raked his hand through his overgrown hair. Ruiz was right. Jay was pushing himself too hard. Green wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he’d been eavesdropping on Jay and his doctor’s conversations. It had been a part of the conditions of Jay coming to Bolivia. He needed to meet with the base doctor once a week, and Green had eventually started spying on the meetings when he had a reason to suspect that Jay wasn’t being truthful about what the doctor was saying to him. And Green’s suspicions were correct. While Jay was in exceptional shape, he was still… disabled.

Truth be told, Green kept forgetting. Initially, he had assumed that Jay would need weeks to readjust to life on base again. Hell, Green half expected Jay to never quite settle down again. But he did. Fast. Almost too fast. He rarely wore shorts or slippers, so some days it was almost impossible to notice his prosthetic leg. And so Green started to forget. Not on purpose, or because there was something “wrong” with Jay that needed to be forgotten in the first place. But because he was just so good. Just like before. He was confident but not cocky. Sassy and sarcastic, yet somehow so friendly. Jay had always loved giving out subtle points and tips to other soldiers on base, and he was doing that too. Telling one soldier to adjust his grip on a knife for better control, telling another to try a wider stance for more balance. Green had missed it. He’d missed Jay. 

And then he would be reminded. That Jay wasn’t the same as he was before. Green would walk in on Jay changing his stump liner, or just getting dressed. He’d notice Jay walking with a slight limp after a particularly rough patrol day. He noticed Jay’s absence on the more physically demanding missions the rest of the unit participated in. Green saw how Jay was often pulled aside by the higher ups for some meeting about strategies and intel instead of joining training sessions with the rest of the guys. But Jay himself never complained. About the lack of a leg. He never even brought it up willingly, not even in the form of a joke or something.

“Fine. I’ll go talk to him. You guys should get some food in you before we leave,” Green muttered out an order to his team. Green got a few murmured yessirs, and he didn’t stick around to see if the team followed his bleak instruction. He rolled his tight shoulders as he walked towards the largest tent where Jay presumably was. He paused just outside the tent’s entrance. What was he even going to say… The frustration of not finding Mendoza was gnawing on everyone’s nerves. This was supposed to be over by now. Green sighed and lowered his head to enter the tent. 

Jay sat on a shaky stool, trying to gather his thoughts. Hailey’s message from Halloween had been bothering him for weeks now. It seemed like a turning point in their relationship. Ever since Jay had asked about the pumpkin carving, Hailey had become more and more distant. She had turned down every single video call Jay had suggested. Her messages were short and vague, sometimes only a handful of words that barely made a full sentence. 

Deep down Jay knew what the issue was. Him. He was losing her again. Because he had to be a stubborn revenge-seeking idiot that couldn’t recognize how good his life was until it was slipping away from his grasp. He was honestly not sure if she would wait for him anymore at this point. Truthfully, he couldn’t even blame her. But he couldn’t back down now.

The rest of the unit wasn’t fully briefed yet, but they were this close to catching Mendoza. Captain Kingsley, Jay’s boss so to speak, had pulled Jay aside earlier today to tell him about two new drones that had been sent to support their mission of finding Mendoza. And they had succeeded. One of the drones found him. Two villages over. Less than a day’s car ride from where Jay currently was. 

“Is it safe to come in?” Green greeted from the entrance of the tent. Jay had sensed his presence a while ago now, but hadn’t made any attempt to acknowledge him. He wasn’t in a mood to go at it with Green right now. “Why wouldn’t it be?” Jay sighed and turned in his seat so that he was half facing him. Green approached him with a shrug. “I don’t know. Some foul language was a pretty clear warning sign to me,” he said and took a seat on one of the bunks across from Jay. To Jay’s annoyance, Green didn’t start talking. He just sat there and observed him. Green always did that. Tried to make you fold first, open up. Today, Jay was too tired to resist. “Just me and Upton, nothing you need to worry about. You guys had your briefing yet?” Jay revealed a little bit of the truth before throwing in a distraction. He knew for a fact that they hadn’t been briefed yet, and the comment about it would surely pique Green’s curiosity enough to make him skip over the Hailey part. 

Green never did have a good poker face. It lit up like a damn Christmas tree. “A briefing? About what?” he said and stood up with bright eyes. Jay almost had to chuckle at the sight. Almost. “You’ll see. Better go and eat up. Might get busy soon,” he said and turned on his stool to face the laptop he’d been using earlier. “Come on now, what’s going on Jay? Is it Mendoza?” Green pressed and skipped over, pushing himself into Jay’s personal space. Jay rolled his eyes with amusement as he turned his attention back to the other man. “You know I can’t say anything until you’re briefed. If you are,” he teased and graciously dodged a fist from Green. Green attempted a pout but was unsuccessful in holding the smile from his lips. “Well at least join us for dinner then,” he suggested and turned around to leave the tent. Jay, however, made no effort to follow. “I need to finish these emails first. Save me a seat, shouldn’t be too long,” Jay promised and waved Green off. Jay’s attention focused back on the small, banged up laptop in front of him, so he missed the slightly worried look on Green’s face. Jay heard his footsteps, and the rustling of fabric as the tent’s door was pushed to the side.

When he could no longer make out Green’s steps, Jay nudged the wireless mouse to wake up the laptop again. When the screen stayed dark, Jay was starting to worry that his laptop had written its last messages, but eventually it showed signs of living. Jay wasn’t really one to bounce his knee, but now he felt it was justified. He had already finished six emails, but the hardest one was still less than halfway done. Hailey’s email. Jay should be scolding himself for not writing them sooner. His… “in case I die” emails. He’s never written them before. Never. He’d been overseas multiple times over the years, yet he never felt the need to write them. 

Mendoza was different though. Jay had already seen first hand, thoroughly, what that man was capable of. And now he was given a second chance to bring him in - well, his first encounter wasn’t exactly an attempt to capture him, to be honest. But now he has the opportunity to actually take him down, and he needed to be realistic. He shouldn’t be here. In Bolivia, slowly preparing to take part in a raid. He was meant to be behind a desk, like he had promised to Hailey. But somehow he had been able to convince the base commander to approve him to join the final operation. Jay wouldn’t be the one to kick down any doors, but he would be in the secondary team entering the premises, ready to catch any runners, or provide support if need be. And now, he needed to find a way to write it down in a way that would make Hailey understand. Understand why he’s breaking his word and leaving the safety of the base. Jay had more or less promised to stay in the command center and provide support, that’s it. She had barely accepted him leaving the base for transport related missions or safe intel gathering operations. Explaining this would be a challenge to say the least. He’d already deleted half a dozen drafts in the last couple of days. Jay was running out of time. Hailey refused to accept his calls, so he had no other choice than to do this over an email that he would schedule to be sent after he’d left for the mission. 

Jay had watched “Dear John” against his will one year, and he had tried to avoid making a letter like that. But reading through what he had written so far, Jay wasn’t sure he was being very successful:

‘Dear Hailey

I’m sorry I have to do it like this. Not to blame you, but I tried to call and explain. So this is what I can do instead. 

I think we found him, Mendoza. I knew from the beginning that I wouldn’t be able to wait at base and see how things go down. I’ve been doing good work here, and my prosthetic hasn’t proven to be a liability. So they let me join the raid teams. 

I’m sorry. I know I promised you otherwise. But I think you can understand why I can’t keep this promise. I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me for this. This is something I need to do, for myself. Please forgive me. I know I have a lot more explaining to do, but I’m hoping we can do it face to face. 

I love you, Hailey Upton. I think I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. I just didn’t realize it until much later, and I should have realized how important you are to me sooner. I’m sorry I left you, but I promise I’m doing everything in my power to make it back to you. I’ll be there to carve my own pumpkin next year. It’ll all be over soon, and I can finally put this whole thing behind me, and hopefully start living my future with you. If you’ll have me. 

I don’t plan on leaving you, but I think we both know life’s unpredictable sometimes. If I do die on this mission, know that I died thinking of you. You are my rock and home in all of this nonsense. I hope to hold you in my arms again soon. 

With love, Jay’

It was the best Jay could do. He had never been good with words, written or spoken, but he felt a small sense of pride for this one. It was honest, truthful, straight from his heart. Jay saved the email as a draft and set it on a timer with the others. After logging out and powering off the laptop, Jay felt drained. Like he had been in the field all day. He hadn’t expected to feel so tired, emotionally to be more specific, after writing his “in case I die” emails. Jay knew that almost everyone in his unit had similar letters, emails, recorded videos stored somewhere. They used to tease him for not having one. And now he did. It felt like a bad omen. He just had to hope it wouldn’t come true. 

Dinner was uneventful. Green had obviously told the others about this mysterious briefing that Jay refused to elaborate on, so the majority of the dinner discussion was about said briefing. Jay held his mind though, and didn’t give away anything. “I’ve literally been tortured for information, more than once, you got nothing on me,” Jay even joked when Bennett and Suarez threatened to play dirty. The table quieted for half a second before erupting in laughter.

Jay might have had the others fooled, but Green kept a firm eye on him. Jay was worried, Green could tell. It wasn’t obvious, but Green knew all of their little quirks and tells, even Jay’s. He wouldn’t question it now though, Green had a bad feeling that the team ought to enjoy this moment while it lasted. The experienced warrior had learned to trust his instincts, and right now every fiber in his body was telling him that something bad was coming. 

“I’ll see you guys later. Got a hot date with the doc,” Jay eventually said when things settled down, and plates were empty. The conversation stopped for a moment, and everyone eyed Jay. The man in the spotlight rolled his eyes. “Please, it’s nothing new,” he was quick to reassure everyone, even if it didn’t have the desired outcome. “Is it because of the briefing? You need to get cleared or something?” Bennett guessed and propped his elbows against the table. “Would you quit it already, I can’t tell you anything and you know it!” Jay tried to scold Bennett but his amusement was evident. Jay stood up - with no issues, meaning he wasn’t feeling sore or uncomfortable - and grabbed his tray and walked off, disappearing into the crowd of camouflage.

“I’ll say it. They had to have found him. Who else would have our boy jolly like that?” Nelson, the team’s newest addition, broke the silence. The rest were thinking it as well. Nelson just happened to be the first to speak. Multiple muttered conversations started within the group, but a single cough from Green was enough to silence everyone. “I can’t think of any other reason. He seems better now, so I guess that’s why they cleared him to join whatever teams go out there. I don’t know much, there’s not many rumors going around base. That should tell you all something. Keep your heads down, don’t fuck this up. I want it to be us that get sent out there to bring this son of a bitch down, and it won’t happen if we’re making waves by gossiping about this. Alright? Everyone clear? Keep your mouths shut and don’t go looking for trouble,” Green finished his talk, this time with much more authority than before dinner. As if to prove their ability to keep quiet, everyone nodded instead of giving Green a verbal answer. The group leader nodded back in approval, and stood up to dismiss the gathering. Dinner was over, and if Jay was to be trusted, this was their last meal at base for a while.

The following morning came painfully slow for the members of Jay’s team. Most of them were convinced that they’d be pulled into a briefing after dinner last night, but alas, nothing happened. About half of them expected to be woken up during the night for a briefing, and that didn’t happen either. Sufficed to say, it was a restless night for everyone. Except Jay. 

“Come on Jay. Just tell me. It has to be Mendoza, right? I know you, and I see what you’re doing,” Bennett pleaded as the group was getting dressed for the day. If anyone could get anything out of Jay, it was Bennett. “Tell me, buddy, what am I doing then?” Jay quipped as he finished his morning stretching routine. Everyone was used to it now, but in the beginning it used to create an awkward silence in their sleeping quarters. No one really knew how to be around Jay when he was without his prosthetic. But eventually they settled into their new normal. No one even batted an eye anymore when Jay rolled open his yoga mat and plopped down on it for his routine. What was surprising, is that most mornings Jay didn’t need to do his stretches alone. On more than one occasion, the whole team had joined him. And on this particular morning, the whole team had wanted to join Jay. 

“Whenever we have an important operation coming up you enter this weird… zen state. The calm before the storm we used to call it. You’re doing it again, right now. Don’t even bother denying it. So, I’ll ask again: Mendoza. Yes or no?” Bennett’s tone was firm. Jay knew that there was no heat in Bennett’s words. Just passion to get justice for Jay. Jay rolled up his mat and pushed it under his cot before hoisting himself up to take a seat on the cot. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, considering how to proceed. There was no point in lying, his teammates weren’t idiots even if they sometimes behaved like ones. He wanted to keep his team in suspense for a bit longer, but the briefing would be called any minute now. Jay couldn’t entirely hide a smirk. “We got him, boys.”

Things snowballed quickly from there. The team was called in for a briefing only a few minutes after Jay’s revelation. Plans were made, backups for backup plans were set in place. Drills were run, gear checked and packed. Jay tried calling Hailey again but was unsuccessful. He hadn’t spoken with Will as much, but he did call and leave him a voicemail despite the email that was waiting to be sent after the mission was started. Jay didn’t say much, just the usual “how are things, wish you’re all well” and so on. He couldn’t say anything about the mission even if he wanted to, and he didn’t. He didn’t want everyone to worry if he could help it.

On December first, Jay stood outside their camp for the last time. This was it. After months of endless searching, they had finally done it. He could finally see the finish line up ahead. The hardest part was still ahead, and Jay couldn’t lose sight of his goal now. He spared one last thought to Hailey.

They hadn’t actually spoken in over a month. Their text conversations barely counted as interactions at this point. It was more like a monologue from Jay, and Hailey only barely acknowledged his existence. But at least she still replied, so Jay counted it as a win. Besides, it wouldn’t matter for much longer. Jay and the others would catch Mendoza, he would fly back home and all of this would be over. 

After scanning his surroundings to make sure there weren’t too many curious pairs of eyes on him, Jay discreetly did a quick check on his prosthetic. It hadn’t let him down yet. He’d been meticulous about taking proper care of both himself and the prosthetic. There was no way he was going to be a liability to the team, not a chance. Everything seemed fine, no, perfect. Jay was perfect. Calm before the storm. He pushed the thoughts of Hailey into a metal cage, locked it tightly and stuffed it deep into his mind. There was no space for distractions anymore. 

“You ready, brother?” Green asked as he approached Jay. They wouldn’t be in the same team hitting Mendoza’s current location. Jay was the backup, a hard fact for Green to accept. Jay used to be his guy. The guy he went to when he needed someone to have his back no matter what. But that was before. Jay adjusted the clip on his thigh holster, and gave Green a playful smirk. “Yeah, man. Let’s do this.”

Chapter Text

Hailey’s world stopped moving on the morning of December second. She should have reached out to him sooner. Shouldn’t have pushed him away. Because now, all that she had left of him was an unnecessary email. Apparently Jay had wanted to do this over a video call or even just a regular call, but she was too afraid of her own feelings to make that happen. 

Hailey had gotten half a dozen panicked messages from the team, Will, even Platt. Seems like Jay wrote all of them an email as well. It made no sense to any of them. Why would Jay send the email before he knew whether or not he was… dead? You’re supposed to send it after. Have someone hand out letters or share a password to an online document or something. But you’re not supposed to send them yourself, before anything has happened. None of this made any sense. It caused a large pit to appear in Hailey’s stomach, and it threatened to swallow her whole.

“Come on, Hails! I know you’re in there. Open the door!” Hailey startled out of her thoughts. As the world around her came to a focus, she could hear the occasional thumping of a fist against her front door. Oh. Sounded like the team actually came over like Kim had said in her message. Hailey had meant to tell them not to bother, but a glance at her phone showed that the message was still half-written, unsent. Figures.

Hailey managed to push herself up from the couch. The world seemed shaky around her. Nothing was fully in focus. She dragged her feet across the room, and fumbled with the lock on the door before finally getting it open, revealing a filled hallway. The whole team was here; Kim, Adam, Kevin, Dante, Platt and Voight too. Hailey moved to the side and gave everyone a small nod as they entered her apartment. “You really didn’t need to come. I’m fine,” Hailey tried to sound convincing as she shut the door. She rubbed her eyes and turned to face everyone. The silence was too loud. “Honey, if you really were okay right now then we all would be extremely concerned,” Platt out of all people said, and pushed past the small crowd to give Hailey a hug. It was almost as unexpected as the email from Jay. She couldn’t hold herself together anymore, and responded to Platt’s hug by wrapping her arms tightly around her, and let the tears fall free.

It took Hailey a better part of an hour to calm down after. At some point she had been escorted to her couch, and when she finally got a grip on her emotions, she noticed she was now sandwiched between Kevin and Adam. Their close presence was a welcome surprise. They weren’t Jay, but they still made her feel warm and safe. Kind of like Jay did. “When’s the last time the two of you talked?” Kevin asked when he noticed Hailey was back in their realm. She glanced at Dante, who gave her a slightly disappointed look; he was the only one that knew she hadn’t actually spoken with Jay in weeks. The two of them talked about it occasionally, when Hailey was feeling particularly guilty about avoiding Jay. Dante kept trying to persuade her to call Jay and explain everything. And Dante almost succeeded a few times, but at the last second she changed her mind. Hailey muttered an answer so incoherent that even she wasn’t sure what she was trying to say. “What’s that?” Adam asked gently. Hailey looked at Dante again. He gave her a reassuring nod despite still having a disappointed look on his face.

“I don’t remember. October?” Hailey eventually admitted. She wanted to lie but there was no point. “Why would he send that email?” Hailey continued without giving the others a chance to scold her for her choices. Her words hung in the air, no one knew what to reply, and they were still trying to wrap their heads around the revelation. “I’m sorry, what? You haven’t talked with Jay since October?!” Voight was the last person Hailey expected to speak, but it was him who did. The authority in Voight’s voice made Hailey quiver. He sounded so disappointed, and for some reason Hailey was surprised. She so desperately needed everyone to understand where she was coming from, what she was feeling and going through. “Hm? Care to give us an explanation?” Voight demanded without raising his voice. That was somehow worse than yelling. Both Adam and Kevin had leaned away from her, and stared at her with a conflicted expression. Hailey felt like she’d been backed into a corner, and she couldn’t see a way out. “It’s complicated, okay?” she tried. Her head almost snapped off its place when she heard a loud scoff from Dante. Excuse me?

“You know something, don’t you?” Kevin guessed and straightened his back, shifting his focus from Hailey to Dante. Hailey rapidly shook her head but Dante decided to ignore it. “I wouldn’t say it’s complicated. Jay keeps trying to talk to you. You don’t answer,” Dante said dryly, arms crossed against his chest. It all felt wrong. The air in the room made Hailey’s head spin. “Does Will know?” Adam had stood up at some point, and was now doing his routine pacing around the living room. No one anticipated Hailey to nod, but she did. Even Dante seemed taken aback. “He doesn’t talk with him much either. You know how they left things. It’s mostly about Esme,” Hailey smiled a little at the mention of Jay’s niece, but her joy was short lived. Something eerie was in the air, and none of them could shake it off. 

The following minutes passed slowly as the team plus Trudy listened to Hailey’s slow spoken explanation for her lack of communication with Jay. Each word she spoke made less and less sense. How could she do this to him? Leave him clueless, wondering what’s wrong… “This isn’t revenge, isn’t it?” Hank asked when the opportunity presented itself. The wounded look on Hailey’s face made Hank regret the question immediately. “You really think that little of me?” she whispered the words out, disbelief dripping from each letter. She was done. Without another word, she stood up, stormed across the room and entered her bathroom, locking the mechanism behind her. “Well, that was smart,” Trudy quipped. Hank sighed, and ran a hand through his nonexistent hair. Yeah.

She was an idiot. That much was true. She just. She missed him so much it threatened to shift the gravity of her world into a different direction. She felt like she was losing her anchor, the one thing that held her in place in this mad world. Jay. She needed Jay back. But she couldn’t half have him, through hollow emails and quickly muttered words. She needed him here. “Oh, Jay…” Hailey said out loud, and pulled her legs against her chest as she sat on the cool tiles of the bathroom floor. Her arms snaked around her legs, squeezing tightly. If she closed her eyes and pretended hard enough, she could almost feel Jay’s strong arms wrapped around her. He was a great hugger. You wouldn’t assume that of him, not really. He was rugged, almost awkward with his posture and the way he held himself, but his hugs were a slice of heaven. Carefully placed arms that helped ground you to reality, offering maximum comfort. Gentle fingers rubbing circles on your back, soothing, wiping away all your sorrows and worries. Slight stubble of a beard, prickly against your cheeks. It should be unpleasant, like a porcupine defending itself from a curious dog. Instead it was more like a cat’s tongue, scratching away any remaining anxiety and discomfort.
Hailey wasn’t that good of a hugger.

“Should we go check on her?” Kim whispered and looked around the room, holding her gaze on each person for a second before moving to the next. Her eyes landed on Adam. His look was conflicting, Kim wasn’t sure what he was trying to signal to her. “Maybe give her a minute,” Adam suggested when he realized that Kim didn’t get his message. Kim sighed and leaned back in her seat, anxiety growing in her stomach. This wasn’t right. 

“When’s the last time any of you was in contact with him?” Hank asked with the same tone he used with suspects sometimes. Hmh, lovely. “I sent him a thanksgiving message but didn’t get a reply. But that was only a few days ago anyway,” Kevin was quick to answer and to prove that he tried to stay in touch. Truthfully, he could have messaged more often. Should have by the look of it all. Jay seemed to think that wherever he was going, was going to be bad enough that he needed to send them all “in case I die” letters. Kevin should have messaged him more. 

“We don’t really talk often, but that’s probably not surprising. About a month ago maybe?” Dante offered his answer next, and no one was indeed surprised. “I usually send him an email on the first Sunday of every month. It’s a long one so it counts as two, three messages,” Trudy spoke next. Her no-nonsense tone somehow managed to convince them all that one long email was indeed worth three messages. Kim and Adam shared a quick look that conveyed a thousand words. “Makayla writes to him, for all of us. It’s her way of making sense of it all. His absence and things like that. She misses him a lot, although she doesn’t like to admit that. She usually sends one message every few days. She knows that Jay can’t always answer very thoroughly, and they agreed early on that even a short reply from Jay was okay. The last reply we got was from about three weeks ago maybe?” Kim explained while Adam nodded here and there. The team gave the couple sympathetic looks. What else was there to do? They couldn’t make it better with empty words of reassurance. Jay seemed to think he could die on this mission. No point in trying to convince Kim and Adam otherwise, they had both received similar messages. 

“We talked more in the beginning. I wasn’t supposed to drift off,” Hank was the last to answer his own question. He seemed almost… embarrassed? Ashamed that he wasn’t able to stay in touch. Now that Hank was thinking about it, he could understand Hailey. They all could, Hank was sure. “It’s on Jay too to keep in touch. It’s not only about us,” Kevin tried a weak excuse to defend their actions. No one was challenging him, not really. But Kevin still felt like he needed to explain it. If not to the others in the room, then to the universe. “But did any of you leave his messages or calls unanswered?” Dante inquired despite already knowing the answer. Only Hailey had ignored him. Ghosted him as they called it. Their silence was a loud answer.

“You don’t understand. I didn’t want to,” Hailey whispered weakly from the bathroom. None had heard her unlock and open the door. Multiple sets of eyes focused on her. Hailey’s face was puffy, eyes red and still wet. The sleeves on her shirt were slightly damp from when she had wiped her face with them. “It’s killing me, being apart again. But how can I tell him that? He doesn’t need to worry about me or my feelings. He’s in a war zone, about to fight his demons. He doesn’t need me as a distraction,” her voice grew more confident as she spoke. She’d had a good moment gathering her thoughts, and was finally ready to defend herself. “Do you know how much I’d hate myself if Jay got hurt worrying about me? I couldn’t stand myself. So. It was easier to bear the distance than to pretend that everything is fine when it’s not.” The room was silent, deep in thought. Hailey was right. They all knew it. 

“Do you think he’ll die?” Adam blurted out when the silence was threatening to become unbearable. Adam had been pacing around the room almost nonstop ever since he found out that Hailey wasn’t in regular contact with Jay anymore. But his own words had stopped him in his tracks. Maybe he hadn’t even meant to say them out loud. “Jesus, man,” Kevin sighed from the couch and glanced at Hailey. She looked drained, empty. “I don’t know. Maybe?” was all she could say. Silence that followed was crushing. 

— — — — — — 

Midnight, December 3rd, Somewhere in Bolivia

Thump, thump, thump. Jay was barely staying upright. The brutal pounding of his heart in his chest made him almost deaf. No heart should be beating so loudly. It was unnatural. Blood was slowly trickling down his forehead, through his ruffled eyebrow, and dripping into his eye. He didn’t have the strength to wipe it away. Not that he even noticed it. His attention was frozen on the man in front of him. The man that haunted him in his nightmares, almost every night. The man who had taken everything, everything from Jay. Mendoza. 

14 hours earlier 

He was on fire. Not literally, thankfully. Being out in the field on such a mission was like cocaine to a drug addict. He felt alive. 

They’d arrived at the village some hours ago. The weather was perfect for their objective; it was pouring rain like crazy. No one in their right mind was going outside in these conditions. It worked for them, as it would lower the risk of civilians getting in their way. Jay didn’t even mind being wet to his bones, nothing could bring his mood down today. This was it. The soldiers had split into their groups, and each group had started their approach. Target: Mendoza’s compound. Jay was part of one of the groups that were supposed to arrive last. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t really know any of his group members. Not like he knew his own unit. Sure, he had seen them all on base and had chit chatted with them here and there, done a couple of missions with some of them. But he didn’t know them. And they didn’t know him. 

“Halstead, maybe you shouldn’t be taking the lead. Burns is pretty solid with navigation,” Eastwood, a young sergeant in the group, suggested. Jay vaguely remembered showing him a more efficient way to pack your gear. “I’m good, thanks,” Jay simply replied and kept moving forward. He’d studied the area more than all the guys in his group combined. He was also quite confident that he was the most experienced out of all of them despite not being in the military as long. “Halstead!” Eastwood raised his voice but to no avail, Jay was in his zone, and the rest of the group seemed content with following him. “Stop making all that noise. Burns, take second place, Eastwood, you’re last,” Halstead summoned his commanding voice and put an end to Eastwood’s whining. The man muttered something under his breath but Jay couldn’t make out the words due to the violently falling rain. 

The way wasn’t long, but they had to stick to the shadows and back alleys to ensure that they weren’t seen, the rain couldn’t hide them completely after all. And in a dead village such as this one, there were always curious eyes observing the surroundings. Jay navigated the maze of streets with ease, successfully avoiding the four dead ends on their route. Take that, Eastwood. Jay didn’t miss the startled swear words from Burns when an alley cat scrambled from its hiding place under a trash can. “Stupid little fuck..,” Burns muttered as the group struggled to control their giggles. Jay shook his head in amusement as he turned the second last corner. He raised his hand in a fist, signaling the group to halt. Jay squinted his eyes, scanning the area before him. Through the heavily pouring rain, he was able to make out two members of one of the breach teams that would be the first to enter the building. Jay and a member of the other group exchanged several hand signals, passing along information about the situation. 

“We’re waiting on one more team to reach their location,” Jay whispered to Burns, who was closest to him. Burns nodded, and took a few steps back to relay the message to the others. The day would have been beautiful if not for the rain. It was a cozy little village, Jay now realized. He studied the surroundings. Pots of herbs and vegetables were scattered on every house’s yard. The streets had cobblestones of half a dozen different colors, carefully organized in a way that he couldn’t decipher. Jay hoped that their presence wouldn’t forever soil the peacefulness of it all. Jay noticed a hand moving on the other side of the street. The last group was in position. Jay motioned for his guys to move closer. “Okay, boys. It’s go time. Take positions,” he said with a small smile on his face. This was always one of his favorite moments. The silence before the breach. It made you feel alive like nothing else did. Jay observed as the other group vanished from his sight. Any minute now there would be a bang that would act as their signal to move closer and establish a perimeter with the other support groups. 

Jay moved forward with Eastwood. They had been assigned into pairs before, and it was just Jay’s luck that his battle buddy happened to be him. Eastwood was probably the last person he would have picked given the chance to choose. But Jay shoved his personal feelings away and prepared to sprint forward once the flashbangs went off. Any moment now… “Well. How you feeling? Ready to rock and roll?” Eastwood asked with a toothy smile. Jay almost rolled his eyes but was able to resist. “You have no idea how long I’ve been ready,” Jay replied with what was meant to be a neutral tone, but his excitement was too great and he couldn’t fully contain it. “Just admit it. You like me,” Eastwood said playfully and shoved Jay’s shoulder. This time Jay did roll his eyes. “Sure, buddy. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

They were running now. The first teams had successfully breached the building, and now it was their turn to watch out for any runners. Jay reached the outmost walls surrounding the compound, and took a knee. He adjusted the grip on his rifle as he scanned the area through his scope. Eastwood, Leblanc and Hewitt were within Jay’s earshot, all scanning their designated positions. The day was still quiet, if you ignored the gunfire and yells coming from the house in front of them. Not even the birds were singing anymore. There wasn’t much for Jay to see. They weren’t expecting a large amount of targets to begin with. The scatter coming through the comms wasn’t anything useful, not yet. No one had located Mendoza yet. Jay had a bad feeling that he couldn’t explain. 

“Eastwood, we should move positions. That tree over there blocks the east wall, I don’t think anyone else has eyes on it,” Jay suggested. Eastwood, whose first name Jay couldn’t remember for the life of him, scanned the area as well, and seemed to come to the same conclusion. “We need to pull someone else here then. Peterson and Hughes? Their sector is the most visible from Charlie team’s pos,” Eastwood replied, and Jay had to hide his surprise. The man wasn’t half useless after all. Jay nodded in approval and radioed command of their plan while Eastwood contacted Peterson - his first name Jay did remember. Bernie. 

“Peterson’s moving in two. We good to go?” Eastwood questioned as he wiped the raindrops from the scope’s lens. Jay signaled a quick yes while he was still on the radio. The range was very limited - to increase their chances of going undetected - and the connection kept dropping off. “Delta one and four moving to sector Lima, division Charlie. Over and out,” Jay finished for the fourth time. He wasn’t entirely sure if they received where they were moving, but at least they knew they were moving somewhere. Jay checked the scenery from their position one more time before pushing himself up. “On me, let’s go.”

The building was surrounded by two sectors of brick walls, inner wall and the outside wall. Jay and Eastwood trailed along the outer one, keeping their heads on a swivel as they approached their new position. The trees surrounding the walls were much larger than their satellite and drone images had estimated. “Shit, there’s so many blind spots. They could have easily gone through here already,” Eastwood muttered from behind Jay. Fuck, the man was right. Again. “I don’t like this at all. How did we not see this..?” Jay muttered, more to himself than to his battle buddy. They turned the final corner and arrived at their position. “Oh fucking hell. Jay, come take a look at this,” Eastwood exclaimed with frustration. Jay turned around, and couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He grabbed his radio and switched it to the channel that would broadcast the message to all units and command. “This is Delta one. Be advised, we have a tunnel entrance at sector Lima, division Charlie. Over,” Jay summarized the situation. Fuck. This couldn’t be happening. “What do we do now?” Eastwood asked as he slowly crept closer to the tunnel. Jay listened to the overflow of voices all trying to get more information out of him. He didn’t have it. “This is Bravo two. Suspected tunnel entrance on the first floor of the building. There was a hidden room behind a fake wall. The flooring has been removed. Please advise, over.” Jay shook his head as he listened to the communications. They had half a dozen dead targets at the house, but no sign of Mendoza. Command had no intel on any tunnels. There weren’t supposed to be any. “All teams hold, this is Overwatch. Hold your position and wait for further information. Over.” Jay rolled his eyes and muttered a few chosen words under his breath. Eastwood chuckled quietly. “I don’t think you’ve worked with Overwatch before. He’s a bit of a scaredy cat,” he explained and chuckled again when Jay’s expression turned sour. He eyed the entrance of the tunnel. It could be a dead end for all they knew. 

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Eastwood asked after noticing Jay’s gaze. Jay hummed thoughtfully. If it was up to him he would have entered five minutes ago. But they had clear orders to stand down. “You heard the boss. Can’t leave our position,” Jay replied slowly. It pained him to say it, but he was a soldier at heart and he couldn’t just disobey this order. His mind flashed back to when his father was dying, and he disobeyed Voight’s orders and went after the suspect anyway. His hand unconsciously went to his abdomen where the round scar from the bullet decorated his body. Good times. He still remembered the fear in Hailey’s voice when she found him on the ground, next to the dying suspect, blood gushing from his wound. Jay shook his head to clear the memory of that day. “You said it yourself. The connection is bad out here. Maybe we didn’t hear it,” Eastwood said without noticing Jay’s absent look. Halstead looked around to check that no one was close enough to eavesdrop. “They could court martial you for this. You know that, right?” Jay said in a serious tone. He didn’t know this man well enough to say if he had a wife, kids, something waiting for him back home. If Jay was with Ruiz then he would have bolted into the tunnel the moment he saw it. Ruiz was his ride or die so to speak. But Eastwood? “What’s your first name anyway?” Jay asked, taking himself by surprise. The moment he asked he felt embarrassed. He should have known his name. But Eastwood took it in stride. He turned on his heels to face Jay, and extended his hand. “Jackson, my friends call me Jack,” he said and waited for Jay to shake his hand. Jack and Jay. That didn’t sound half bad. Jay smiled as he gave Jack’s hand a firm shake. “Jay. Only my mother calls me Jason,” he introduced himself despite Jack already knowing his name. “Well, Jay, my wife knows who she married. If you think I’m batshit crazy then you wouldn’t stand a chance with her. She’d beat me with a stick if we didn’t go into this tunnel. And trust me, she hits hard,” Jack explained with a wink and nudged his head towards the tunnel. “Grab that radio of yours and tell them we got movement in the tunnel.” Jay shook his head with a wide smile, and grabbed the radio. 

“Overwatch, this is Delta one, over,” Jay spoke with as much confidence as he could muster. “Go for Overwatch,” came a static reply from the radio’s small speaker. Jay looked at Jack one last time for confirmation. Jack gave him a grin and two thumbs up. Jay shook his head, god, what a loser. “We have movement in the tunnel. Delta one and four in pursuit, over and out,” Jay added the final word as an afterthought, and turned the radio’s volume down to its smallest setting. It wasn’t completely silent, but you’d have to be right next to the radio to hear it. It would be safer this way. “Let’s go then, you take the lead this time since you weren’t so eager with me leading back there,” Jay teased and quickly moved closer to the tunnel, and Jack entered without a second of delay. “You just hang tight and keep up. I won’t take it easy on you even though you’re sporting some extra equipment,” Jack quipped back and rounded the corner in the tunnel. Jay laughed softly and glanced back towards the pouring rain one last time. God, I hope I get to see the sun again.., he thought to himself as he focused back on the mission at hand: Mendoza. 

— — 

On the second floor of Mendoza’s hideout, Bolivia

Green was rubbing his eye in disbelief. Or maybe it was in awe. Of course Jay had to pull a stunt like this. He just wished it was him and not some random dude with him. “Did I hear that right? Jay’s in the tunnels with Eastwood?” Ruiz appeared from the hallway with Bennett in tow. Green nodded. “Yup, that’s our boy,” the team leader popped the p loudly and let out an anxious huff. “How pissed is overwatch?” Bennett asked and leaned against the wall. Green shrugged. There wasn’t much to say about that. Pissed, of course. “Just angry that we were blindsided like this. There was absolutely no intel on these tunnels. We don’t even know if Bravo’s tunnel is connected to the one Halstead found,” Green replied, frustrated as well. He wanted to get down there as well, start the chase. Waiting and doing nothing was stupid, he should say as much. Wait… “Overwatch, Alpha One, over,” Green spoke into his radio and waited for the reply. Bennett, Ruiz and two guys from Echo eyed him curiously. “Overwatch copies. Do not run off like those idiots just did, you hear me?!” Green had to move the radio further from his ear due to the raised voice on the other end of the line. “All due respect, we are wasting time. He’s getting away. They need support, over,” Green spoke calmly to try and convince them that this was the right call, not a heat of the moment decision. “Bravo one to Overwatch, we are ready to enter if you clear us,” the leader of Bravo group radioed. They were downstairs, hunkered down near the tunnel entrance found in the building. “Fine. Bravo, you’re cleared to enter. Stay in pairs. Alpha, on perimeter with Charlie, Foxtrot and Echo. Delta, or those of you who have the ability to listen to orders, follow delta one and four. Stay on comms everyone, out.” 

— — 

12 feet underground, somewhere in Bolivia

Jay’s back was already aching, and they had only been in the tunnels for less than half an hour. Whoever had built these tunnels was noticeably shorter than him. “You okay?” Jack asked quietly as he led them forward in the darkness. Jay considered his answer. He was fine, for now. The way he was currently forced to walk would eventually catch up to him, it was a rather unnatural position for him, and he already had to be extra conscious of the way he walked due to only having one real leg. He’d deal with it though. “Fine. Haven’t noticed a change in the air yet. I don’t think we’re going any deeper,” Jay replied softly. Some minutes ago it had crossed his mind that they might be going too deep underground. Quite frankly, they were in over their heads. The radio was basically useless, they had no idea where they were going, and thanks to the narrow tunnels, there was little to no room to dodge if they ran into someone. The only positive in their predicament was that they both had night vision. 

“Ah, fuck…” Jack cursed and stopped moving. He knelt down, and looked over his shoulder to Jay. Jay caught up, and he didn’t need to ask why they were stopping. Crossroads. The tunnel split into two separate paths. “It’s a bad idea, splitting up,” Jack said before Jay got any ideas. Jay knew it was. To call it a bad idea was an understatement, a massive one. “There’s been no indication of anyone even using these tunnels recently. No trash, no fresh looking tracks, no nothing. We have to split up,” Jay reasoned and studied the two paths. Neither stood out to him. “I’m not one to have regrets, but maybe we should have waited before entering. At least we should have grabbed Burns and Hewitt. This was totally preferable too. Of course they’d split the tunnels,” Jack was starting to ramble. Jay couldn’t really blame the guy, but it still annoyed him. Ruiz would have never. “We can’t wait for the others to catch up. We don’t even know if they’re coming,” Jay voiced the same thoughts Jack surely had. “Are you sure you can’t see footprints or disturbed dirt on the ground?” Jay continued, and watched Jack lean towards the ground to get a better look. “There’s just no way to tell, man. See for yourself,” Jack said and pressed himself flat against the tunnel’s wall on his right. Jay could barely squeeze past the other man. He stared at the ground for a few seconds, not noticing anything. “This is ridiculous, we’re wasting time. I’ll go left, you go right. Try your radio,” Jay said and reached for his own. Both men tried to make contact with the others above ground, without success. “What now?” Jack asked as he placed his radio back in its pouch. “Write your initials in the dirt,” Jay said and moved closer to the tunnel leading to the left, and moved his finger against the pebbles and dirt, leaving behind a trail that read “D-1”. Jack moved behind him, scribbling his initials “D-4” at the entrance of the right side tunnel. “This is it, brother. See you on the other side,” Jack said and gave Jay’s back a firm pat. “Be careful,” Jay replied. The men nodded to each other, took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, then exhaled calmly. Jay adjusted his grip on his rifle and carefully started moving forward. 

It was getting harder to keep track of time. Jay hadn’t really checked when exactly he and Jack had entered the tunnels. It might have been three hours ago, or maybe just thirty minutes. Jay hadn’t discovered any signs of life yet, only one small mouse that ran past him some time ago. He hadn’t heard anything either, which he took as a good sign that Jack hadn’t run into trouble either. Or maybe he was further away than Jay assumed. 

After another unspecified amount of time had passed, Jay came to a halt. Wires. Poorly hidden under loose dirt on the ground. His heart rate picked up a few notches. Right. He quickly turned off his radio, just in case. He hadn’t had a signal for a while now, but he wasn’t willing to take the chance that a signal suddenly got through. He wasn’t even sure that there was anything dangerous attached to the wires, but he wasn’t about to risk it. 

Jay shuffled into a sitting position to alleviate his aching back, and to form a plan. There hadn’t been any wires until now. Was there something buried under the dirt right in front of him? A pressure plate maybe? He couldn’t tell. His experience with explosives wasn’t minimal by any means, but even he hadn’t been in a situation like this before. He just needed to think for a second, find a way out of this mess. He needed his sea glass shard, something to help ground him. Oh, hell.., Jay thought and ran his hands over his face. He was screwed. He’d never doubted his own decisions like this in the field before. He hadn’t even noticed when his hands had started to shake. Ohh boy, this was bad. He just needed something to focus on, something else other than the damn wires probably connected to a bomb or something. Wait. The ring. 

Jay used his teeth to clumsily pull off his glove. He reached for the chain around his neck, and tugged it free from under the rain and sweat soiled shirt. He moved the dog tags to the side, and exposed the ring hidden behind them. He sighed in relief. He wasn’t sure if he had left it back at base or not. Jay brought the ring to his lips and gave it a gentle kiss. It wasn’t like kissing Hailey, of course not, but somehow it brought him a sense of calmness and stability that he so desperately needed. “I won’t leave you again, Hailey,” he muttered out loud as he slid the ring and tags back under his shirt. He grabbed the glove that was waiting on the ground, gave it a few smacks to get rid of some of the dust on it, and continued studying the wires as he put the glove back on. He could see the ends of the wires, both tied with electrical tape. He just needed to make sure there wasn’t a third wire somewhere… BOOM. 

The whole tunnel felt like it was shaking. Jay whipped his head around to the direction of the boom. Dirt and dust crumbled from the ceiling of the tunnel. Oh, shit. Jay scrambled up from his seated position. He hadn’t finished inspecting the wires, but it looked like he was out of time. He heard two more explosions, noticeably smaller than the first one, followed by an eerie crumbling sound. The tunnel was caving in. Ohh, shit. Staying put would likely result in him being buried alive, or being crushed to death. But rushing forward could lead to him becoming pink mist scattered over the tunnel walls. Neither option was desirable, but not moving wasn’t an option. Jay swung his rifle to the side and did his best to attempt a sprint despite the lack of room. To gain even a little extra room, Jay quickly undid the strap on his helmet and tossed it to the ground. It barely made a difference, but Jay felt like he now had a chance at least.

Fuuck.., Jay scolded himself as he realized his mistake too late. The night vision goggles were strapped to his helmet. That was now several feet behind him. He continued to push forward, wishing that the tunnel was still going straight while he reached for his rifle and the flashlight attached to its side. Thanks to years of getting familiar with his equipment, Jay found the switch for the light with ease, and soon the tunnel filled with bright light. He had to squint hard as his eyes were so used to the darkness, and he nearly stumbled and fell over. By some small miracle, Jay stayed on his feet and rushed forward. The crumbling noises from behind him were growing louder and louder. He was running out of time. In the distance, Jay could make out another crossroads. That might be his only shot at making it out of this alive. He dug deep into his energy reserves and willed himself to go faster. His head kept bumping into the low ceiling, elbows occasionally scraping the walls. Without having any time to think, he leaped into the tunnel leading left, landing on his stomach. He pushed himself forward, clawing the ground, kicking with his feet. Another miracle came his way, and he found another tunnel that separated from the main line. He crawled forward, entering the smaller tunnel. He barely had time to register the extra support added to this section of the tunnel when the way behind him collapsed. Large chunks of earth fell violently on the ground, walls collapsing into themselves. And then, an ear shattering boom. From somewhere very close. Jay kept crawling forward, small pieces of soil landing on his back and legs. He could barely see where he was going, the air was thick with a heavy layer of dust and smoke. The wooden support beams creaked and moaned under the extra added pressure. He just needed to keep going forward until… what. Until he was eventually crushed? Until he found the exit? He just had to keep moving. 

His simple plan of keep moving was soon disturbed when a large piece of the ceiling collapsed, and landed right on his leg. Jay yelped, more out of shock than anything. It was his prosthetic by some miracle. His mother must have been watching over him, there was no way he just had three strikes of luck in just a few minutes. Jay was halfway done turning around -as much as he could considering his current situation- when more of the ceiling collapsed. His reflexes were a split second too late, and his arms failed to protect his head from the incoming assault of debris. One chunk crushed against his chest, some smaller pieces hit his half raised hands, and two hit him on his temple and jaw. He didn’t stand a chance. His pained grunt died quickly on his lips. Jay slipped into darkness in an instant.

Chapter Text

Consciousness came rushing to him. It was a painful, instant knowledge that something was terribly wrong. He wished it was like in the movies where you slowly become more and more aware of your surroundings. But no, Jay woke up like someone had poured a bucket of ice water on top of him. He coughed violently, trying to clear his lungs of at least some of the dust and smoke he had exhaled. Surprisingly, coughing itself wasn’t too painful. Jay felt optimistic that he hadn’t broken any ribs. That’s where his victory ended. 

In an attempt to grab his rifle and the light attached to it, he discovered that his right shoulder was dislocated.  His prosthetic was still pinned under the large slab of soil, causing him to be stuck in an awkward pose. He was mostly on his stomach, but he needed to turn around again if he wanted to free himself. He had already established that his radio was crushed, beyond repair. Jay was able to reach his rifle despite the dislocated shoulder, and yanked it free from between him and the fallen rocks. He felt a sharp pain in his heart when he searched for the flashlight, and discovered that the rifle’s frame was bent out of shape. It more than likely couldn’t fire anymore. Jay was met with a tiny bit of luck when the flashlight turned on; it had survived the tunnel collapse. 

With the added light, Jay was able to take in the damage. The tunnel ahead of him seemed mostly intact. The extra support beams had done their job. The path behind him, however, was completely caved in. There was no way to clear it without risking another collapse. Jay clipped the flashlight off from the rifle, and placed it on top of a pile of rubble. It was time to get free. Good thing about prosthetics, you see, is that you can detach them quite easily. With a few grunts and groans, Jay was able to pull his stump free from the prosthetic. “Ahh, shit..,” Jay couldn’t hold back the pained groan. The liner on his stump was eerily red. That’s not good. Jay grabbed the flashlight and held it in his mouth as he carefully probed his stump, trying to figure out where the blood had come from. When he found a particularly painful spot close to his knee, he carefully lifted the lip of the liner to take a peek underneath. A vertical cut, maybe two centimeters deep, five, six centimeters long, decorated his leg. Great. There wasn’t much he could do about it, dressing it would make his stump too large for the prosthetic leg’s socket. Leaving it for now was the lesser of two evils. If he wasn’t in such a pickle, he would have spent more time wondering how the liner wasn’t damaged despite there being a deep cut on his leg. 

Jay knew a lot of random things. A bit about everything, he sometimes felt like. And that included how to set a dislocated shoulder on your own. It was by no means fun, or quick, but he managed to get the job done. He just wished he didn’t damage anh ligaments in the process. It still hurt like hell, but at least now he could mostly move it. He didn’t have the luxury of catching his breath, as he knew he needed to keep moving. And for that, he needed his leg. Both of them.  Jay quickly detected the fastest way to free his prosthesis, and proceeded to do so. He had to take short breaks more often than he liked to admit because the pounding in his head made it difficult to concentrate. Black dots danced at the edges of his vision, and his stomach felt queasy. Both obvious hints of the concussion he surely had. If he wanted to get his head looked at, he needed to get out of here. And that meant pushing through the nausea and dizziness, and freeing the leg. 

Huh?! Jay startled awake. What just happened? He was laying on his back, hands loosely wrapped around his prosthetic. Oh. He probably yanked it free with such force that he knocked himself out. That was a good sign, right? Right? It meant that he still had plenty of strength to get out of here. Yeeah, Jay didn’t believe it either. 

He pushed himself to a seated position and steadied himself as the world around him spun and swirled. Deep breaths, buddy. Deep breaths… When he no longer felt like he was stuffed inside a running washing machine, Jay inspected his prosthesis before declaring it good enough to wear. There was a small dent in the socket, but Jay deemed it small enough that it wouldn’t cause noticeable damage. He managed to put the prosthetic on again, and after wiping the still flowing blood from his forehead, he carefully stood up. The world threatened to start its spinning cycle again, but careful breathing from Jay saved the situation. Jay gave the leg a few test stomps. It felt good enough. Not like he had any other options. With no time to spare, Jay gathered his things, even the bent rifle, and turned toward the awaiting tunnel. His right hand clutched the flashlight with white knuckles, providing imaginary support to Jay. “I won’t leave you, Hailey,” Jay’s voice was raspy from the dust, smoke and coughing. It was time to get out. 

— — 

Mendoza’s compound, somewhere in Bolivia

They were starting to run out of daylight. The explosions that startled everyone several hours ago had done significant damage. No one had anticipated the need for a search and rescue unit, so it took command too long to get their act together and mobilize the units from base. 

Green was fuming. How could such a simple mission fall apart so spectacularly? Jay was missing, all attempts to contact him had been fruitless. Thanks to the lack of proper equipment, Green and the other soldiers who weren’t in the tunnels when the explosions set off, couldn’t start clearing the debris effectively until almost four hours after the first device went off. It was inexcusable. 

It was a miracle that everyone they had managed to find so far was alive. Banged up, in desperate need of a real hospital, sure, but alive. Almost all of Bravo team had made it close to the entrance of their sector of the tunnel, so extracting them was about the only thing Green and the others managed to do before the search and rescue units from base arrived. Two members from Charlie had rushed to enter the tunnel where Jay and his team were, and none were able to resurface before the entrance caved in. They were, however, able to get a radio signal through, and were able to communicate with one member from Charlie, and two members from Delta. They initially reported that they had no information on Halstead and Eastwood’s locations since the pair had a noticeable head start. They came to the reasonable conclusion that either Jay or Jack had set off the first explosive, creating a chain reaction that led to the collapse of almost the entire tunnel network. They just hoped that neither of them were too close to the initial blast. 

“I have a bad feeling about this one..,” Bennett muttered some hours later. His arms and chest were coated with blood. Not his. Eastwood’s. Bennett had been the one who dragged his unconscious, still bleeding body out of the tunnel about ten minutes ago. He and the rest of the unit were standing outside the makeshift med tent, waiting for an update. They still hadn’t found any sign of Jay. When Bennett had seen a body half buried under the rubble, he had allowed himself to hope that it was Jay. It wasn’t. 

“Do you think he’s dead?” Ruiz asked Lacey, their unit’s medic. All eyes landed on the medic in question, who shrugged his shoulders. “Which one do you mean? Jay or Jack?” Lacey’s tone was rather snippy, but it was understandable given the circumstances. “I don’t think Eastwood’s injuries were that serious. He seemed fine, just knocked out,” Bennett tried to ease the tension. Lacey scoffed. “Unless you have x-ray vision you can’t know that. He could be bleeding internally, have a serious head injury.” The group grew silent. 

“Jay’s not dead. He’s too stubborn to die. We should all know that by now,” Green eventually said with absolute certainty in his voice. If he seemed like he believed himself, then maybe the others would believe him too. Jay can’t be gone. No. “Well then where is he?! Didn’t you hear the latest sitrep? They’re not finding new tunnel sections anymore. There’s only so many tunnels left to clear. We should have found him by now,” Nelson, the team’s newest member, couldn’t hold his grip on his emotions any longer. The fresh graduate almost whimpered under Green’s piercing glare. “He’s not dead,” Green spat out the words with… almost disgust at his newest and youngest teammate. He didn’t have a clue what he was talking about. This was Jay Fucking Halstead. He doesn’t just drop dead when a tunnel collapses on him. He’s fine. He has to be. 

“Which one of you is Green? Eastwood is asking for you,” a medic appearing from the med tent startled everyone out of their thoughts thirty minutes later. Green stepped forward. “That’s me,” he said and strode past the medic and into the tent. 

The makeshift infirmary was surprisingly poorly lit. Green was expecting to see white bright hospital grade lights scorching his corneas, but he was surprised to see the area lit dimly. Maybe some of the patients had concussions, and the lights would have been aggravating. Green knew from personal experience how painful bright lights were when you were sporting a concussion. “The last row over here. Speak softly if you can. He’s waiting to be airlifted back to base, you should have a few minutes before that,” the same medic from before instructed Green, who nodded quickly and rushed forward. Time was not on his side it seemed. 

Green navigated through the narrow rows of cots and laid out medical supplies until he arrived at Jack Eastwood’s cot. The man was battered to say the least. Green couldn’t see much of him, but every inch of grimy skin that he did see was covered in bruises and bandages. Eastwood’s eyes seemed closed at first glance, but on closer inspection Green saw that they were just barely open. 

“I’m so sorry… I didn’t mean to… leave him behind… I couldn’t find him..,” every breath seemed to be a great struggle for Eastwood. The oxygen cannula nuzzled against his nostrils seemed to do little to aid him. Green stepped closer and knelt down to meet his eye level. “I tried… he wanted to… split up… cover more… move faster… You have to… go back… Find him… please..,” Eastwood’s eyes stayed barely open, voice flat as his breath hitched on every word he uttered. Green looked down, and carefully laid his hand over Eastwood’s, and gave it a gentle pat. He wasn’t sure what else to do, the other man seemed to be one big bruise, and touching him would probably cause more unnecessary pain.

“Don’t you worry about that, brother. We got this handled. You just focus on you, okay?” Green tried to be reassuring, but it was never his strong suit. He was a clumsy comforter to say the least. Eastwood shifted on the cot, and winced at the slightest movement. “Before the… first expl.. explosion… we split maybe… twenty minutes. It was my… my fault. If Jay’s… dead then it’s… my fault… triggered the… bomb..,” Eastwood’s words were getting more and more challenging to make out. Green could see two medics approaching them, presumably to transfer their patient elsewhere.

“It’s not your fault, man. Jay will tell you the same thing when we find him. I’ll see you later,” Green said firmly as he straightened himself. He stepped aside to let the medics past him, and observed as they transferred Eastwood to a gurney and carried him off. Green sighed. Twenty minutes… that’s how long of a head start Jay had to get away from the explosions. Maybe he had made it out after all. But where the hell was he?

— — 

Tunnel in Bolivia

Drip, drip, drip. Why couldn’t it stop already! He tried to turn away from it, but something was holding him down. Kicking his feet was pointless, there was nothing for him to kick but empty space. What on earth..? His eyes snapped open. Oh, not again! 

Jay was lying on his left side, face resting in a steadily growing puddle of water. The flashlight had been knocked out of his hand when the tunnel collapsed - again - but it was still miraculously working, providing some much needed light. His left arm was pinned under his body and was slowly going numb. His right arm was almost as useless, since it had started to swell noticeably after he had placed it back into its socket. Moving it was extremely difficult. 

Before he was able to formulate a plan of action, he could hear steps. Steps that were growing louder and louder. Someone was coming towards him. Jack! It had to be Jack. He was the only one close to him. But how… it couldn’t be. The tunnel collapsed behind him. The path was blocked. So who..?

Jay flinched and closed his eyes when his flashlight was picked up, and the light was pointed directly at his face. He wasn’t given the chance to get even a glimpse of the newcomer. It was like they deliberately blinded Jay with the light. Green and his guys wouldn’t do that…

Jay’s brain was struggling to make sense of the situation. He tried to speak to catch the other’s attention, but his throat was so dry that all that came out was a raspy grunt, followed by a mighty coughing fit that shook whatever was pinning him down. The other man seemed to say something, but Jay couldn’t hear over his coughing. Yes, another man. The voice was too low to be a woman’s. 

As soon as he stopped coughing, something was lifted off of him. A thick support beam maybe. Jay turned to his back, and clumsily kicked with his feet to push himself back, gaining distance from his rescuer. He used the wall as support and forced himself into a standing position. His head was spinning, bile threatened to make itself present in his mouth. Jay bent forward, trying something, anything, to make the spinning stop again. 

“I thought I killed you already.” The hairs on Jay’s neck prickled up like a hedgehog preparing to defend itself. The thick accent, peculiar pronunciation of the L’s… That was a voice Jay could never forget. He swayed violently but somehow managed to stay standing. Every fibre of his body was telling him to attack. To defend himself until victory or death. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t wipe the blood from his face. Couldn’t cough a few more times to clear his lungs. He couldn’t do anything. His attention was frozen on the man in front of him. The man that haunted him in his nightmares, almost every night. The man who had taken everything, everything from him. Mendoza.

“I’m certainly surprised to see you, my little toy. But not unhappy. On the contrary. We are going to have so much fun together,” Alberto Mendoza spoke in a manner that was way too calm given the circumstances. Each syllable he spoke was like a whip smacked against Jay’s bare skin. It made him flinch, almost shut his eyes and submit to his fate. He couldn’t do it again. He barely made it the first time. 

Jay dug deep and summoned the small dose of energy he still had left. It helped him focus, and study Mendoza. He looked good. Unharmed. Not a single strand of his dark hair was out of place. Dick. 

“I don’t remember cutting away your tongue, boy. Can you not speak?” Mendoza teased and shook his head playfully. Jay was surprised to hear him speak English, before he had avoided it like the plague. “I have nothing to say to you,” Jay croaked out. He wasn’t sure if Mendoza even heard him. Probably not. Jay didn’t want to, but he had to close his eyes. He could barely stand anymore. He was so lightheaded, and the spin cycle on the washing machine had started again. He breathed slowly, unsure what else to do at this point. He needed medical attention, badly. Or just a quiet , dark room where he could sleep for a week. Then he could knock Mendoza’s teeth out no problem. 

Jay’s eyes shot open when a fist collided with his jaw. The punch came out of the blue, and sent Jay stumbling down. Mendoza laughed dryly as he watched Jay whimper on the ground. “So pathetic, boy. You’re almost too damaged to play with. I’m sure we can find something to do though,” he had the audacity to wink at Jay. Jay tried to push himself up, but he was too slow and weak. The tip of Mendoza’s boot rammed into his face, knocking him out instantly. 

——

Near Mendoza’s compound, Bolivia

“You have to keep looking! He has to be there somewhere!” Bennett tried for the upteenth time. But the commander of the search and rescue unit wouldn’t budge. “Stand down, soldier! We’ve been at this for hours. We haven’t found anything. No heat signature, no audio disturbances. Nothing. Soon it’ll be my guys that need the rescuing,” the commander said with absolute certainty, and stormed off before giving Bennett a chance to object. 

“I hate to say it but he’s right. It’s been hours. Hours, Bennett. Halstead knows his training. Sit down and wait to be found,” Green said and patted Bennett’s shoulder. There was nothing good about the situation, but working in near absolute darkness was reckless. They needed to wait until morning.

”we all know that we sit tight and wait for the rescue team, unless we know a way out. Or… it’s not safe to wait. What if something happened?” Ruiz butted in, causing Green to sigh. Not helping. “Something already happened! A fucking tunnel collapsed on him! He was probably buried alive,” Bennett exclaimed. His raised voice caught the attention of a good amount of the crowd. Green sighed. He needed to calm down his unit, or they might be sent back to base for being uncooperative. “Come on, let’s go. We’ll be back at it first thing in the morning. They’re airlifting better supplies to us anyway. We’ll find him, okay? We will.” Green watched his men closely. None seemed happy with his orders, but reluctantly grunted a reply that sounded a bit like yes. Green turned on his heels and started leading his unit to the freshly set up tents. 

“This feels wrong. Getting ready to take a fucking nap while Halstead’s out there, alone,” Bennett complained while kicking off his boots. The tent was small, and crammed full with soldiers. A few men muttered a supportive response, even a few guys not from their unit. It made Green feel warm inside, knowing that everyone was rooting for his guy. Of course they would, there was really no question about it. But still. “Do not start this again. If we want to be useful we need to rest and be alert. Operating in these circumstances is not something we are specifically trained for. We aren’t meant to navigate through half collapsed tunnels. So we cannot afford to be tired and unable to make clearheaded decisions. So zip it and get some rest. We’ll be back at it first thing in the morning.” The tent stayed silent.

— — — — 

Chicago, 21st precinct, 11pm

The bullpen was quiet despite hosting its regular workers. Hailey wasn’t the only one who had been insistent on working overtime. She couldn’t stand the silence of her empty apartment. Kevin couldn’t either. Adam and Kim were there mostly for show of support, and Dante probably wanted to make an impression. Voight working late was nothing unusual, so no one batted an eye at him. 

Hailey stared at the half written report in front of her. She hadn’t gotten any actual work done in hours. The others probably hadn’t either. She had stuck a piece of a post it note on the clock on her computer screen to block its glaring numbers.  Seeing the numbers triggered something in her. This eerie pit that grew and grew within her. Something was wrong. She couldn’t explain it. But as the time passed and Jay was radio silent, the pit grew. In a weak attempt to make herself feel even remotely better, she hid the clock. Not that it helped one bit.

“Go home, everyone. You’re no use to me like this,” Hank’s voice startled everyone. Hanging heads turned to face their boss, who was leaning against the frame of his office doorway, arms crossed and pressed against his torso. He was right, of course. None of them were getting enough sleep, and if an important call came tomorrow, none of them would be in their best game. And yet, none of them gave the slightest indication of listening.

“It just feels wrong,” Kevin eventually said. He didn’t need to be any more specific, everyone felt the same way. Even Dante, Hailey’s mind supplied. “That may be so but we can’t stop functioning just because Halstead’s out there. Crime doesn’t stop because it’s inconvenient for us. Go home. Sleep in, I don’t want to see any of you here before nine thirty. Is that clear?” Hank ordered and retreated back into his office. 

Dante was the first to stand up. “Don’t laugh at me for suggesting this but how about a sleepover?” Adam snorted and was about to make some snarky remark but Kim’s fist against his shoulder stopped him. “Hey! What’s that for?” he yelped and dramatically rubbed the spot where his wife had smacked him. Kim’s eyebrows were tilted in an aggressive angle. “You know why. You’re such a man sometimes,” Kim scolded as she continued to pack her things. Adam looked around looking like a kicked puppy. “What did I do now?” he asked the rest of the team. “We don’t have anyone to go home to, dude. The silence is too loud sometimes,” Dante replied with a surprisingly smart answer. Adam looked to Kevin and Hailey for confirmation, and they both gave him a small nod. “My place has the best parking. I’ll see you guys there, someone grab pizza,” Dante said and walked off with a small wave of his hand.

“Go home with your wife and hug that kid of yours, alright?” Kevin walked past Adam and gave him a firm pat on the shoulder. Adam watched as the bullpen grew emptier until it was only him and Kim - and Voight in his office - left. “Are they really feeling that lonely?” he asked, turning to his wife. Kim sighed and grabbed her bag. “Yes, they are. Hailey shouldn’t surprise you. Kevin’s always been close with Jay, you know that too. He was the first to bond with him once he got back. And Dante… they might have a rocky relationship but they’re still friends. He might not admit it easily but he admires Jay a lot. He’s somewhat of a role model for him,” Kim explained. Adam slowly nodded along. Yeah, that made sense. He missed Jay too, and the email from him had left him feeling rattled. 

“Come on, let’s go home and hug that kid of ours,” Adam said with a gentle smile. He offered his hand to Kim, and together they walked down the stairs, hand in hand. 

— — — — 

Break of dawn, somewhere in Bolivia

When once again consciousness came back to him, it wasn’t pleasant and gentle. His body ached, deeply, in a way he couldn’t begin to put into words. Jay forced his eyes open. 

The area was almost completely dark, only a small oil lamp hung from the ceiling, providing little to no light. Its flame was almost gone, out of life, like the flame in him. He wasn’t sure if he had been here before, everything was sort of blurred together in his mind. He was still underground somewhere, that he was sure of. The air was thicker than before, or maybe that was just his lungs, unable to move freely in his chest thanks to the broken ribs. Oh, that’s odd. He didn’t remember them being broken before. Maybe Mendoza kicked him at some point. 

Getting up proved to be an impossible task. His leg was gone. That motherfucker had taken his leg! Again, Jay’s mind supplied. He felt oddly violated in a way. His freedom and independence taken away. To be honest here, Jay probably wouldn’t have been able to stand even if he had his legs. The headache was way worse than before, and even then it had been almost too much to handle. His jaw was sore, even the tiniest movement sent hot sparks through his face deep into his skull. One of his eyes was starting to swell shut. He was in bad, bad shape. 

“There you are, my little toy. I was starting to think that my iron boot was too much for your, hmm, how do you say, porcelain skull,” Mendoza appeared from the shadows when he heard Jay’s soft whimpers. Despite feeling a great sense of fear and rage, Jay couldn’t find the strength to react anymore. He wanted to make some witty remark, show Mendoza that his spirit wasn’t broken. But he was just too tired. He needed to be smart and save his energy if he wanted to make it out of this mess. Man, he was starting to have too much experience with these type of situations…

“Hey! Are you even listening? Tsk, tsk, rude soldier boy. Still no manners. I don’t know why I expect anything better from an American. You are all the same,” Mendoza knelt down to Jay’s eye level and grabbed his hair, tugging it upwards. Jay wasn’t able to contain the whimper that escaped his lips, and Mendoza smirked. His mud-brown eyed stared into Jay’s, studying, searching for something. A will to fight perhaps. He wouldn’t find it, not today. 

Mendoza sighed, and shoved Jay’s head backward. Black spots danced in Jay’s vision as his head made contact with the wall behind him. “No fun. My men should be here soon. You probably remember one of them in fact. He was a good host to you when you last gave me the pleasure of your company,” Mendoza’s tone was awfully casual, like he was talking to a coworker about hosting a dinner party. It would have disturbed Jay more if his mind was in any better shape. His eyes were mostly closed, lack of energy and no will to fight was getting to him. Hopefully his team would find him soon. 

“They have definitely put up a large circus just for you. I cannot blame them though, you are quite something. Did I tell you, I have had many toys in all my years of work. But you, my little soldier, were the best. I had to get creative with you. You shaped me as an artist. I am very eager to finish things off with you. Leaving when we had business to finish, tsk. You Americans always in a rush. I’ll make you appreciate living in the moment, don’t you worry,” Mendoza’s little monologue made Jay realize that he had actually muttered his thoughts out loud. Oh, he was definitely in big trouble if that much wasn’t painfully obvious yet. 

Mendoza went on to brag about his newly developed skills that he had had to learn thanks to Jay being a “difficult piece to master”. About how when his men arrived, Mendoza would show Jay his new workshop that he had needed to set up since Jay’s team had raided everything even remotely associated with him. It all became background noise to Jay though, his brain wasn’t able to make sense of the words especially with how thick his accent was. He just, he needed to hold on a bit longer. Preferably get his prosthetic back. Crawling away would be extremely difficult, but then again he was probably not in any condition to stand either. At least his team hadn’t given up on him if Mendoza’s word was to be trusted. 

He flinched awake. God, he hated this. Jay had lost count of how many times he’d either fallen asleep or simply lost consciousness in the past… however many hours he had been in the tunnels. At least most of the time he passed out from exhaustion or pain, not from being kicked in the head or something landing on top of him.

The area was more bright now. The oil lamp was burning with more passion. The area was a wide section of the tunnels, almost like a makeshift lounge area with plenty of room to lay down for a nap. A white plastic garden table was snug in one corner, with two foldable chairs on each end. Jay thought he saw a deck of cards scattered across the table but wasn’t sure. His vision wasn’t so good at the moment, his other eye was completely swollen shut. 

“… that actually gave me a little shock if you can believe it,” Mendoza’s words were picked up by Jay’s ears. Man, was he still going at it? “Can you just stop it already?” Jay foolishly used some of his minimal energy reserves to tell Mendoza to snip it. To add insult to injury, the words triggered a coughing fit that threatened to spill Jay’s lungs out of his mouth. By the end of it his lips were tainted red. Well that’s just great.

Mendoza was out of Jay’s field of vision, but his laugh was loud enough to fill the entire room. “Tired little soldier toy, aren’t you. But still you have some fire in you. That’s good, that’s really good. I’ve had several after you but none were a challenge. They gave up after a week at most. I rushed with you before, I think. I’ve grown more patient since then, I would like to think. Did you hear me before, when I said I didn’t mean to damage you so permanently? Hm, did you hear?” he appeared from the shadows again, glaring at Jay impatiently. He seemed to be getting frustrated with being stuck down here. Jay gently shook his head no, careful not to agitate his concussion-battered brain any more. 

“That’s what I meant when I said I rushed. With you before. I already told you this, but I did not know you had lost your leg. It would make for a good trophy. I’m a collector of sorts. I think this tin version will have to do,” Mendoza mused and disappeared from view for a moment before returning with Jay’s prosthetic leg in hand. 

“Technology is very fascinating. But it is not equal. Something like this, no one in my village could afford this. I do not think you can either. Is this a pity gift from your superiors, hm? You get damaged permanently for your country and they bribe you with expensive technology that normal people can only dream of?” Mendoza swung Jay’s prosthetic leg around as he spoke, parading with it like a young bobcat showing off its first ever kill. Jay watched as Mendoza let go of the prosthesis and let it fall pathetically to the ground. He couldn’t help but wince when it hit the ground. It was already damaged badly enough that it needed to be replaced, sure, but it had been Jay’s independence for several months now. Seeing it disrespected in such a way made his heart ache. 

“Why don’t you just kill me now? I know you’re not stupid. My guys will find us any minute now. If you leave now you might make it out alive. You know I can’t stop you,” Jay wheezed as he muttered out the words. He was probably dying anyway, no point in dragging him through the tunnels just to watch him die during the process. Jay shuffled carefully, partially to avoid agitating his many injuries, but mainly because he wanted to avoid Mendoza’s observing eyes. If he remembered correctly, he should have his tac knife strapped to his thigh holster. Maybe if he got lucky - he was bound to run into some luck soon - he might be able to take a jab at Mendoza before… before something else happened. 

Mendoza’s back was to him now. He was too far from his reach for now, but Jay’s words had clearly gotten under his skin. Jay thought he could hear him muttering under his breath, but maybe it was just his ears ringing. Mendoza only needed to come a few steps closer, and then Jay might have a chance at depleting his energy reserves by lunging at him with his tac knife in hand. 

Jay’s fingers wrapped around the handle of his knife. Gripping it caused him some extra discomfort, but what else was new? He tugged it slowly, unsheathing it. He sent a quiet “thank you” to Bennett for gifting him a knife that he didn’t need to flip open. He kept an eye on Mendoza as he quietly transferred the knife from his right hand to his left. Typically he’d be using his right one, but it had limited movement thanks to his shoulder being dislocated earlier. He needed all his strength on the attacking hand. He would get only one shot at this - if even that. The wounded soldier positioned his right hand against the wall behind him, ready to use it as support to push himself up and forward towards Mendoza. The older man just needed to get a little closer…

— — 

Near hidden tunnel entrance near Mendoza’s compound, a couple of hours after sunrise 

Green couldn’t believe it. The army had actually kept their promise and airlifted better equipment for them to use in the search for Jay. Typically you’d get empty promises and vague timelines. Green was slightly surprised if he was being honest with himself. Why all this for Jay..? He wasn’t complaining of course, not at all. But Jay was technically a contractor and not a soldier. Oh. Maybe that’s why.

“You picking up anything, Ruiz?” Green asked from the man walking in front of him. He was carrying a special device that could pick out heat signatures from deeper underground. The search and rescue unit had similar devices on the site already but these ones were more delicate and sensitive to heat changes.

“Nothing since the last time you asked,” Ruiz replied curtly. Green might have snapped at his foot soldier if it was a different day. Today, everyone’s nerves were acting up so he decided to let it slide for now. Ruiz had been able to pick out an abnormal shape underground, likely a tunnel, and they had been following its path for a while now. Green huffed and bit his lip. Where are you, Halstead? 

Chapter Text

09.46 am, December 8th, 21st precinct, Chicago

Hailey sat behind her desk. She was in an almost… good mood. She felt bad for feeling so light despite everything that was going on with Jay, but the sleepover with Dante and Kevin had boosted her mood significantly. They’d eaten greasy pizzas together, watched some comedy from the late 70s and crashed out on Dante’s unreasonably large couch. There was something oddly platonic about it all, and she quite liked the distraction from her own apartment’s emptiness.

“Upton, there’s someone here to see you. Said his name’s Eaton. Kenny Eaton,” sergeant Platt said from the stairway. Hailey turned in her seat, eyebrows raised. The name didn’t ring any bells. “Who’s that?” Kevin asked, a coffee mug in hand. He and Adam had just returned from the break room, coffees still steaming hot. 

“I don’t know any Eatons. Did he say why he’s here?” Hailey was quite confused. It wasn’t unheard of for them to get random people to come in and request to see them. But something about this felt fishy to her. 

“Did you say Kenny?” Voight butted in from his office. The team all turned their heads toward their sergeant. Platt nodded after checking the small note she was holding in her hand. “Yes, that’s right. Do I send him up or what? I’m not going to stand here all day,” she replied with her no-nonsense tone that was so typical of her. Hailey understood that the name meant something to Hank. “Yeah, send him up,” she answered and stood up. Platt nodded and walked off. 

“Who is he?” Kim asked Voight before the mysterious man had time to show up. Everyone was eagerly waiting for his reply, Dante was even leaning forward in his seat. “Jay’s friend,” Hank replied shortly, and slowly stepped out of his office, pulling the door shut. Hank noticed a new question on Kim’s lips, but the woman didn’t have a chance to voice it before the steps of the man in question were audible from the stairs. The rest of the team scrambled to their feet, attempting to look even somewhat presentable. 

The man who appeared from downstairs was dressed in a suit no one else in the room could afford, that much was obvious from the start. It caught Hailey’s attention in an instant. It wasn’t a flashy suit at all, very neutral and classy in fact. The man had well groomed hair and beard, slightly graying on his temples. He presented himself as someone important and worthy of respect, and Hailey found it unsettling. Why would a man like this want to meet with her? She noticed he was carrying a small leather briefcase, one that you usually saw fancy lawyers carrying in movies.

“Which one of you is Hailey Upton?” Kenny Eaton asked, more out of politeness than anything. He was already looking at Hailey, fully confident that he had found the right person. Hailey straightened her back and walked over to greet him. “That’s me,” she said and shook the man’s hand. Firm handshake, slightly calloused hand, skin not smooth like someone’s who works only behind a desk, and goes home at five. Kenny looked past Hailey and noticed Hank. He gave him a tight nod, and then shifted his focus back to Hailey. “Do you have an office where we could talk?” he asked her. Hailey glanced at her teammates. If this was about Jay, then they all deserved to know. “It’s fine, we can talk here,” she replied, and didn’t miss the disappointment on Kenny’s face. 

“Very well,” the man replied and walked past Hailey to the closest desk. He placed his briefcase on the corner of the desk, and looked at Voight. “Hank. Good to see you again despite the circumstance,” he said in a neutral tone, not revealing much. Hank gave him one of his trademark grunts as a reply. “We didn’t exactly meet the first time. This about Halstead?” he grumbled in a tone that wasn’t neutral. Kenny smiled tightly. “Yes, indeed. And despite being told to have this conversation with only Hailey here, I’m sure Jay wouldn’t actually mind. He cares about you all very much,” Kenny said and opened his briefcase. He shuffled through its contents, taking his sweet old time.

“Okay, man, what’s going on?” Dante crossed his arms and took a few steps closer. He didn’t mind making himself the brute if that meant getting answers. Kenny side eyed Dante but didn’t say anything. Only kept searching for something in his bag. 

Hailey gasped when she saw what he pulled out. A shard of sea glass that belonged to Jay. “Why do you have that?” she asked with a shaky voice. Kenny held the shard between his thumb and index finger, carefully twisting it. “Jay wanted to make sure you would trust me. And he said that this would be it,” Kenny said and extended his hand and offered the shard to Hailey, who picked it up with unsteady hands. 

“Is he dead?” Hailey didn’t recognize her own voice asking the question. She studied Kenny’s face for even the slightest hint, but the man was unreadable. “No, not according to the last update I have received,” Kenny replied calmly. Hailey let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, and let herself stumble backward into her seat. She almost wanted to cry with relief. But she wasn’t relieved enough. Not yet.

“Who exactly are you, his lawyer?” Adam took the lead in questioning the man. Kenny turned slightly to face Adam, and shook his head. “I run a private security company, and I met Jay some months ago while traveling. He and I have stayed in contact, and when he told me that he was leaving for his final mission, he asked for my help,” Kenny explained and passed out his business cards for them to read. Everyone but Hank took one. “I haven’t spoken with him directly yet, but I believe now’s the time for me to fulfill his request.” The tension in the room grew about a trillion degrees. “How do you know that you need to fulfill something if you haven’t spoken with him?” Adam questioned again, and Hailey was thankful that he was sticking with it. “Because I spoke with his commanding officer, Captain Kingsley. Jay is currently in a military hospital in Puerto Rico, waiting to recover enough for his trip home. I have come here to take you to him, Hailey. My jet leaves in an hour,” Kenny explained. What?! “Jay’s hurt? How bad?” Hailey shot to her feet. No, no, no. This couldn’t be happening again. 

“I believe he’s stable at the moment. The biggest concern initially was his severe head injury, but from what I understand, any permanent brain damage has been ruled out. They’re treating it as a high level concussion. He has a fractured eye socket, cheekbone and a small hairline fracture in his jawbone. The ligaments in his right shoulder have suffered some minor damage from when the joint was dislocated, but they shouldn’t require surgery. Uhh, what else..,” Kenny let his voice trail off. He dove into his briefcase again, oblivious to the shock everyone was feeling. Kenny let out a triumphant huff, and pulled out a sheet of paper. He scanned through it, tracing the lines of text with his finger. “A-ha, here. He had one collapsed lung, and they were able to reinflate it and place a chest tube to drain the fluid. I’m not sure if it’s been removed yet. He has two broken ribs, several cuts and contusions on his back and arms, and one longer cut on his left leg that required some intricate stitches but it should all heal nicely. Oh, he also had a broken wrist, likely caused by someone stepping on it, but it has already been stabilized in surgery,” Kenny finished and held out the paper in case someone wanted to see for themselves. Hank didn’t need to be offered twice, and he rushed across the room and practically snatched the paper from Kenny’s hands. He walked slowly as he read through everything Kenny had just said.

“How did this all happen? Hank eventually asked. His team was uncharacteristically quiet, struggling to digest the news they had just received. For the first time, Kenny seemed sympathetic. “I'm afraid I can’t say, I don’t have that information. Something about not having the right clearance according to Captain Kingsley. Maybe Jay can tell us when we see him. You ready to leave, Hailey?” Kenny finished with a casual smile, and started gathering his things. “You can keep that,” he added as an afterthought and pointed at the paper Hank was holding. 

“Can you, can you just slow down please?” Hailey staggered. She needed about five to seven business days to work through everything she had just learned. Also, she couldn’t just run off to Puerto Rico! She had.. work, and not enough vacation days or sick days. Kenny did the clasp on his briefcase and studied Hailey. “Well, since it is my jet it will wait for us. But the air traffic control won’t be pleased if we’re noticeably late,” Kenny said with a small sigh. Not an impatient one, Hailey thought. 

“It’s okay, Hailey. Go, I’ll get things sorted for you,” Hank said with a gentle tone. Jay had always been his soft spot, and it was showing more obviously than usual. If the situation wasn’t as tense, one of them would have commented on it. Not today though. Hailey gave Hank a weak smile and nodded. “Uhm, I don’t even have my things with me. Or I have one set of clothes and a small toiletries bag, do we have time to make a pit stop at mine?” Hailey asked Kenny, trying her best to gather herself and work the problem. Kenny smiled to hide his confusion. “What else would you need?” he said and turned around with the intention of leaving. “Wait!” Kevin yelped and stepped closer. Kenny turned back around with another not-impatient sigh. “Yes?” he asked with a raised brow.

Now that Kevin had his attention, he wasn’t sure what he wanted to ask. His head was buzzing with questions. He was struggling to find the right words. “Has he been at the hospital long? When did all this happen?” he finally settled on asking. Kenny looked apologetic before answering. “Again, I don’t have the information available for you. I was contacted by a colleague who works in the same area as Jay did, and he heard through the grapevine that there had been an incident of sorts. I pulled some strings and was able to contact Captain Kingsley three days ago, on the fifth. At that point he hadn’t been transferred to Puerto Rico yet. That was on the sixth if my memory serves me right,” Kenny recalled the events of the past few days. The fact that Kenny hadn’t been contacted immediately despite Jay’s wishes was something that Kenny decided to leave out for now.

“What did Halstead ask you to do?” Kevin settled on asking. It didn’t take a detective to notice that Kenny was three steps from bolting away, so Kevin fired his next question without giving himself time to work through the previous one. 

Kenny looked conflicted. Jay hadn’t specifically told him to keep his request private, but Kenny was under the assumption that Jay didn’t like his shit talked about behind his back. But then again, the people in this room weren’t just anyone. They were practically family. Especially Hank and Hailey. Jay had said as much one time the two ex soldiers were catching up over beers. “Jay knows I have contacts. He wanted to make sure that he would be reunited with Hailey as soon as possible. Non-military personnel aren’t normally allowed to enter the base in Puerto Rico, as is the case with many other bases if you can believe it. But Jay knows how deeply his actions - now and in the past - affected Hailey so he wasn’t willing to let the past repeat itself,” Kenny tried his best to explain Jay’s request. It was an odd one, in a way. Soldiers and their families were used to being apart, it came with the job description.

“Why didn’t you come get her sooner? You said he’s been at the hospital for a couple of days now” Dante quipped. He was sure Hailey would have asked the question herself if her head wasn’t spinning like it obviously was. Kenny smiled a little. “I think Halstead might have overestimated my pull in the military. I don’t have an open contract with them. It’s more like, I know a guy who knows a guy type of situation. Besides, given the circumstances they would have tried to stonewall me for as long as possible,” Kenny explained in a nonchalant manner. The team looked at each other with confused looks. “What circumstances?” Adam asked with a concerned look.  

Kenny shook his head disapprovingly. “Don’t you watch the news, from Bolivia?” His eyes widened when the room shook its heads no. Ah, shit. Kenny ran a hand through his hair and chuckled awkwardly. Well, this’ll be fun. “a few days ago there was an incident in a small village. A large-scale operation took place in the residential area. The Bolivians have always had this peculiar fascination with tunnels. Well, shit hit the fan was there was a set of explosions triggered by one of the soldiers. The large network of tunnels collapsed, with people still in them,” Kenny maintained a neutral, professional tone. He hoped that presenting the intelligence unit with facts and facts only would somehow ease the shock of the situation. It didn’t work, not that he was surprised. 

“Why hasn’t this been on the news here?! There’s no way they wouldn’t report our soldiers going through something like this!” Dante’s raised voice bounced off the walls, creating an echo that hadn’t been heard in the halls since Jay quit. They were so alike in so many ways. Kenny huffed and rolled his eyes at the young detective. “There are ways to keep things even big as this under wraps, if you have the right connections. The guy who Jay and the others were after? He’s a bad, bad man. The department is willing to put a lot of skin on the game for this one,” he said with a hint of mystery in his voice.

Hailey couldn’t believe this. The more she learned the less she believed it. This, Kenny fellow, he didn’t really have much to gain from lying, so deep down in her heart, Hailey knew he was telling the truth.  The pit in her stomach was back. It stretched its nonexistent limbs and made Hailey’s insides feel like they were in the wrong places. She felt wrong. This wasn’t right. “Can we, just go please?” she surprised herself by asking. She just wanted to see Jay. And if Kenny Eaton could take her to him, then she would follow him anywhere. 

“I’ve been ready for quite some time. I’m sorry I don’t have more answers for the rest of you. It was nice meeting you all. Come on then, my car’s waiting outside,” Kenny rushed the words out of his mouth, and left everyone in his dust as he skipped down the stairs. Hailey looked lost when she made eye contact with each member of her team. “I’m sorry, I have to go,” she sniffled, and took off to the locker room to grab her go-bag.

“Fucking hell..,” Hank swore under his breath once Hailey was gone. He glanced at the paper he was still holding. Without a second thought to his team’s wellbeing, he strode back to his office, shutting the door with a loud bang. 

— — 

Kenny Eaton’s private yet, en route to Puerto Rico

Hailey never had an issue with flying. It was fine. Not something she found particularly appealing, but it didn’t bother her either. So why was her stomach churning, and hands shaking? She was probably pale as a sheet too. Her nails were digging into the fine leather of the seat she was currently in. 

“Maybe a small drink is in order? You’re shaking like a leaf in a hurricane over there,” Kenny said gently as he walked past her. She hadn’t spoken much to him during the car ride to the airport. Not much more since they boarded the small jet and took off. She wanted to, she really did. But she didn’t know how. 

“Yeah, sure. Thanks,” she replied absentmindedly, but quickly realized that Kenny was already on his way back from the front of the jet with two glasses of some sort of golden brown alcohol. “Nothing that fancy, don’t worry,” he said as he placed one of the glasses in front of her, and took a seat across from her. He swirled the drink in its glass before taking a large gulp, downing it all in one go. Hailey couldn’t help but raise her brows. “No point in letting it sit there, is there?” he smiled and placed his empty glass on the wooden table between them. Hailey, shrugged, came to the same conclusion and emptied her glass in one swig as well. The liquid burned as it made its way to her stomach. It didn’t really help with the nausea she was already feeling. On the contrary. 

“Is there anything else you can tell me that you didn’t share before?” Hailey broke the silence after about five minutes. She could have sworn she saw Kenny smirk, but it was gone before she could take a better look. Maybe he wanted her to initiate the conversation. 

“Yes. I can share more with you. My contact was in the area, like I said. He’s doing some humanitarian work in the region, they’ve suffered badly from all the heavy rain and floods this year..,” Kenny’s voice trailed off as he prepared to tell the story…

Bolivia, December 4th 

Ronald “Ronnie” Wellington had always been too curious for his own good. He’d always end up in trouble, even as a kid when he was in kindergarten. Everyone used to say he’d grow out of it eventually. But on the contrary, he only seemed to embrace it even more as he grew older. Maybe that’s why he was now elbows deep in some poor man’s stomach, trying to stop the bleeding caused by a tree branch that had impaled the poor man. 

It turned out to be a lost case. The man was gone before he made it to Ronnie’s makeshift operation room. The floods had destroyed several of the roads leading to the village, meaning that the supply trucks couldn’t bring them better medical equipment. Ronnie sighed as he scrubbed away the dead man’s blood from his hands. 

“Hey Ronnie! Did you hear the news on the radio yet?” one of the locals, Eduardo, said to him as he exited his medical tent. Eduardo was one of the few locals that spoke English well. Ronnie never actually learned where the man had picked up the language. School, probably. “No, I haven’t. What’s up?” Ronnie replied curiously and started walking towards his tent to find a radio. “The cartel clashed with some military over at the hillsides,” Eduardo said, struggling to keep up with Ronnie’s fast pace. “Hillsides? That’s only a few miles from here. What happened?” Ronnie questioned over his shoulder right as he reached his tent, and unzipped the doorway. He left it open for Eduardo, and rummaged through his pile of growing laundry to find the radio.

“They say it was Americans. The tunnels collapsed,” Eduardo said when he entered the tent. Ronnie’s head snapped around. Americans? Here? That was odd. Odd but interesting. “When was this?” he asked, abandoning the search for his radio. Eduardo counted with his fingers. “The first broadcast was a few hours ago. Why?” the local man said and moved aside when Ronnie started gathering his things into a small rucksack. 

He really should have known better by now, really. But Ronnie wasn’t a man blessed with rational thinking. So that’s why he was now on a dirtbike, only a few minutes away from where the incident had taken place. Why was he even going there, you might ask. Curiosity. Simple as that. And he was a skilled surgeon too, so it gave him an excuse to go snooping around. He could offer his help if need be. But it all came down to him being a nosy son of a bitch. 

Kenny finished telling Hailey about Ronnie Wellington. Hailey was keeping up for now, but she wasn’t sure where this was going yet. “Did this Ronnie treat Jay then? What happened next?” Hailey pressed for more details. She hadn’t noticed it yet, but she was actually feeling a bit better already. Kenny smiled inwardly before continuing. “I was just getting to that. So, Ronnie made it to the village..,”

The village was eerily quiet. Like a ghost town. Typically you’d be greeted by a herd of children when you entered a small village like this. But now Ronnie could only see a large truck sporting military colors blocking the road ahead. He slowed down to a halt, turned off the motor and propped his moped against one of the small sheds. Ronnie might have been a bit dumb but he wasn’t an idiot, so he had put on his unicef-provided gear; blue vest, helmet and a hoodie. Even his rucksack was blue and had a massive logo on it. On his arm was a band with a medic’s sign. He approached the truck with both hands visible. 

Lucky for Ronnie, the soldiers on patrol weren’t completely daft, and let him enter the restricted area as long as he had an escort.  He’d presented his credentials and (truthfully) explained his vast experience working different catastrophic events, natural and man-made. And apparently this situation was fucked enough that they needed his help. 

“Right through here, sir,” Ronnie’s escort said and pointed to a large tent that was seemingly serving as a command post. Ronnie thanked the soldier and entered the tent. 

Thirty minutes later he was running after two soldiers leading him to a critically injured patient that they hadn’t been able to treat properly yet, because their only trauma surgeon was currently en route from the nearest base. 

“What else can you tell me? Your commander was rather vague,” Ronnie huffed between breaths. He had never been a star athlete, and as he was approaching retirement age, that had only gotten more apparent. “We haven’t been able to assess him properly yet. You know how these high tier operators can be. Feral, caged animals that feel threatened by anyone and everyone. That one guy we passed a few minutes ago, with the broken nose? That was our patient’s handy work,” the soldier leading Ronnie said. Oh, that’s just wonderful, Ronnie thought. 

After a few more minutes of running, Ronnie saw a small group of men gathered at a small shed. So many sheds, Ronnie found himself thinking. The soldier in front of Ronnie barked out a few orders, and the crowd split in two, giving him room to enter the shed. 

There wasn’t much to be said about the inside. It was muddy, damp and dimly lit. However, there was a small hatch on the ground, presumably leading underground. “Go on, in there,” one of the soldiers told Ronnie. Really? “You haven’t been able to move him above ground?” he couldn’t help but sound judgemental. One of the soldiers with a scruffy beard scoffed. “Hey man, you’re free to give it a go,” his voice was snarky. Ronnie bit his tongue, and with a nod he entered the tunnel. 

“Wait, that’s Ruiz, right? I remember him from Jay’s videos. He had this really bushy beard which I found odd since he’s actively serving,” Hailey interrupted Kenny’s story. She hadn’t meant to, the words just escaped her mouth. Kenny didn’t seem to mind though. “Yes, I believe it was Ruiz. He and the majority of Jay’s team were there when they found him,” Kenny answered. He waited for Hailey to ask something else, and when she didn’t, he continued the story. 

Green’s jaw was pulsating with pain. He couldn’t understand how Jay was able to resist so much in his condition. “Where’s the damn medic?!” he shouted and then winced when his jaw sent painful signals to his brain. Okay, so yelling is not a good idea right now. 

“Here! Make a hole, coming through!” Ronnie shouted, and soon he was met with quite a sight. Three burly men were struggling to hold down what Ronnie assumed was his patient. The tunnel wasn’t tall enough for Ronnie to stand straight, and the width wasn’t ideal either. But he had worked in small nooks before. He let his rucksack hit the ground. “What can you tell me?” he asked as he started searching for a pair of latex gloves. 

“We think he has a head injury, severe bruising on his face, the angle of his wrist indicates it could be broken, I don’t know what the fuck’s going on with his breathing but something wrong. We can barely hold him down though, a little help here!” Bennett took over talking seeing that Green wasn’t in the best shape to do so. Ronnie nodded and soaked in the information. “Any allergies or medical conditions?” Ronnie asked and pulled out a small case where he kept some of his vials of medication. The patient needed to calm down or otherwise it would be too dangerous for all parties involved. “No, nothing, oh come on just help him!” Green said through gritted teeth and almost lost control of Jay’s left arm. Ronnie squeezed past one of the men holding down the patient, and with great struggle, Ronnie was able to inject the patient with a syringe full of painkillers with a mix of sedative in it. “What’s his name?” Ronnie asked as he capped the needle so it wouldn’t poke anyone else or snap. “Jay. His name is Jay Halstead.”

Hailey’s mouth hung open. She hadn’t meant to start crying in front of Kenny who was practically a stranger, but she couldn’t help it. Her heart was already in pieces, but hearing Jay was in such a feral condition made her want to throw up. Jay had always been cool under pressure. Never panicked, always made sure that the mission, or case, came first. The Jay she knew wouldn’t do anything to harm his teammates. “Whose nose did he break?” Hailey asked between her quiet sobs. Kenny stood up, and offered Hailey a sympathetic smile. “Suarez, I think. From Jay’s old unit. Not sure if you know him,” he said and went to fetch something from the front of the jet. He returned with a bottle of water and a pack of tissues. He placed them on the table and retook his seat. “Yeah. I know them all. I’ve spoken with all the guys in his team,” Hailey sniffled and grabbed a tissue. 

“Jay did it for you,” Kenny said softly. Hailey scrunched her brows in confusion, and Kenny quickly raised his hand. “I could have worded that better. Let me try again. Jay told me, before he left, that there was nothing he wouldn’t do if it meant coming home to you. He probably thought in his delirious state that Suarez and the others were keeping him away from you. He fought so hard to make it out of the tunnels. For you. And he did. His brain just didn’t register the help from the enemy quite so fast.”

Ronnie observed Jay, his patient, growing calmer and calmer. He was still alert enough, Ronnie couldn’t risk putting him under completely if he did indeed have a head injury like his team suspected. 

“Okay, I think it’s safe to let go now,” Ronnie said after a while longer. He received three sets of doubtful eyes from the soldiers holding Jay down. “It’s okay. You need to give me some room to work,” Ronnie said and patted one of the men on the shoulder. One by one, the men let go and shuffled back to give Ronnie some space. “You there, fetch the backboard. We’ll need it soon,” he ordered and shifted his focus on Jay. He took out his penlight and flicked it on. “Hi Jay. My name’s Ronnie. I’m a doctor, I’m here to help you. I need to shine a light in your eyes. It’ll probably hurt but it’s okay I promise,” Ronnie spoke softly, like he used to do with his children when they were little. He squashed the memory before it consumed him. 

Jay’s eye was mostly closed, the other was swollen shut. Ronnie made sure that Jay saw him approaching, and when he didn’t give any indication that he was going to start throwing hands again, Ronnie leaned over him and checked his reflex to light. He was able to get a small glimpse of his other eye too. Both reacted to light, but his pupils were unequal in size. Not a great sign. Jay flinched each time when the light scorched his eyes, but remained somewhat calm. Thank you, modern medicine. 

“You’re doing well there Jay. I know this isn’t pleasant. I’ll take your vitals next, I’ll walk you through each step. You just take it easy, relax, and let me all the work, alright partner?” Ronnie continued to use his soothing tone, and it seemed to be working. The lines of pain were deep on Jay’s face. Ronnie needed to hurry up with the process, the poor man needed immediate help. 

Ronnie breathed calmly throughout the entire process of checking vitals. Internally, his alarms were going off. Heart rate and blood pressure were both in the gutter. His oxygen levels were dangerously low. It didn’t take him long to pinpoint the source of Jay’s raspy breathing. His lung had started to collapse. Ronnie glanced back, and now saw four men waiting. “Which one of you has the best medical training, step forward please,” Ronnie requested calmly. He had come to realize that patients sometimes mirror his demeanor. Jay seemed to be doing so as well, which was good. He just had to make sure that it was Ronnie who was in the spotlight, and not one of Jay’s panicking teammates. 

“That would be me,” a soldier stepped forward and seemed to wait for more instructions. 

“Who was it? Lacey?” Hailey interrupted again. Jay had once mentioned that each of their units had one guy with vastly superior medical training, and Lacey was that guy. Kenny thought about it for a moment, but ended up shaking his head. “I don’t think Ronnie caught his name. Things got pretty hectic from there so they didn’t have time for proper introductions,” he revealed and dove back into the story after seeing Hailey’s distressed look. 

Ronnie leaned back, out of Jay’s immediate vicinity, and motioned the soldier to get closer. “Listen to me very carefully. This is important. No matter how messy things get, you keep your cool. Your feelings don’t matter. All that matters is that you stay calm for his sake. I need a level head from you, and steady hands. Think you can do that?” Ronnie said firmly, and stared at the soldier for good measure. “Yeah, just tell me what to do,” the soldier replied. Ronnie nodded approvingly. “Get the trauma shears from my kit. Front pocket,” Ronnie instructed as he shuffled closer to Jay. 

“Okay, Jay. I got us a fun little Sunday afternoon activity. We need to get some of this gear of yours off so I can help you, alright? You don’t have to worry about a thing though, you just let me and my buddy here do all the work, alright?” Ronnie spoke calmly, and while he was still speaking he started working. With the help of the soldier, who was able to keep his hands steady, they got Jay down to his socks and pants. Ronnie would check his legs later. Right now he needed to make sure he stayed breathing. 

Ronnie had seen worse injuries, so he wasn’t shocked by the state of his patient’s chest. Bruised and battered. But perfectly workable. “Move my kit closer, right over here,” Ronnie instructed as he listened to Jay’s breathing with his stethoscope. The wheezing and hacking had become more obvious. Nothing to panic about, Ronnie thought. Just another Monday. “Jay? You still with me?” Ronnie gently tapped Jay’s cheek to get his attention. For the first time, Jay made an attempt to respond verbally. It wasn’t a word, more of an animalistic grunt, but Ronnie didn’t mind. “You have something called a pneumothorax. I’ve fixed dozens of these however, so you don’t have to worry,” Ronnie explained and took an antiseptic wipe from his kit. “I should have a small bottle of oxygen in there, take it and put the mask over his mouth and nose for me,” Ronnie instructed his assistant and cleaned a small section on Jay’s chest. He then grabbed a needle kit, and opened the wrapping. “You might want to let him hold your hand for this. The painkillers I have him on should help him to some degree but a grounding friend wouldn’t hurt,” Ronnie suggested, and the soldier took Jay’s unbroken hand. 

“Okay, Jay. Here we go, I’m doing a small procedure called a needle decompression. This should help you breathe better,” Ronnie said and wasted no time in getting started. The procedure itself was rather simple for someone as experienced as Ronnie, but it still made his heart skip a beat when Jay struggled to breathe even harder just before Ronnie finished the decompression.

Ronnie positioned his stethoscope, and listened. He still wasn’t happy with what he was hearing. “Keep holding his hand, and stay calm” Ronnie instructed and fished a small portable ultrasound device from his kit. Call him an overachiever but he liked to be prepared. And today it paid off. 

“What’s going on?”one of the soldiers, the beardie, asked Ronnie. The doctor scanned around Jay’s chest and stomach with the ultrasound, looking for whatever was causing the distressed breathing. “Jay here wants to be a bit of a special case. I’m fairly certain that he also has a hemothorax. That’s a buildup of fluid, in this case blood I think, in his chest. It’s not unheard of to have both a pneumothorax and a hemothorax, but it is rare. And luckily for you, Jay, I know how to fix that too,” Ronnie’s voice stayed calm and neutral despite the nervousness he was starting to feel. Inserting a chest drain out in the field wasn’t something to be scoffed at, but he had successfully done it before. Only once.

“I need another set of hands. You, switch with him,” Ronnie ordered beardie. Beardie switched with the man holding Jay’s hand. “You. Try and keep him still, but don’t corner him. Don’t bend over him, okay?” Ronnie instructed and Beardie nodded. The doctor rummaged through his kit and sent out a small thank you when he miraculously found everything he needed. He tossed a bottle of betadine and a wet wipe to his assistant. “Use these to sterilize the skin on his left side. Don’t be shy with it, the more the merrier,” he ordered and continued setting up the equipment needed. Ronnie sterilized his hands again. “Is this good enough?” the assistant asked with a slightly shaky voice. Understandable, yet not ideal.

“Hey! Are you good to continue?” Ronnie asked. The soldier looked at Jay, then Beardie, and then Ronnie. The conflict was visible in his eyes. “Yeah. I’m good. What do you need from me?” he replied after a few steadying breaths. Ronnie nodded approvingly. “Here, I need you to hold the ultrasound so I can see where I’m going.”

Hailey’s breathing hitched. This was all getting too much to handle. “Do you need a break?” Kenny asked when he noticed Hailey’s distress. She shrugged, unsure herself. “You said that he’s stable?” she needed to confirm. Kenny nodded. “Yes, that’s what the latest update said. I received it last night.” “Last night?! A dozen things could have changed since then,” Hailey exclaimed and stood up. She wasn’t one to pace around, but now she needed to. Kenny stood up as well, unsure of what to do next. He wasn’t a hugger, and she probably wouldn’t have appreciated it anyway. “I promise it’s not going to end badly, okay? Can I continue?” he asked and leaned against his seat. Hailey stopped pacing. “Yeah. Sure,” her reply was almost too quick. She needed to know that he was okay. 

Ronnie held the sterile scalpel in his hand, a few inches away from Jay’s bare skin. He looked at Beardie. Beardie’s hands were firmly on Jay’s shoulders. Good enough. He then looked at his assistant. Steady hands, focused eyes, ultrasound positioned correctly. “Okay, Jay. I can’t give you any more pain medicine, but this should be over quickly. Okay?” Ronnie waited for a confirmation from Jay. He was still mostly responsive, although his body was starting to get too tired to hold onto consciousness for much longer. “Okay, Jay. Here we go,” Ronnie didn’t wait any longer, and made the first incision with the scalpel. 

A small moan-like grunt escaped Jay’s lips. He had felt somewhat peaceful up until now. This wasn’t right. He shouldn’t submit to his fate so easily. He needed to get home to Hailey. He tried to lift his head off the ground, but someone stopped him. “Hey, no no no. Let’s not do that. It’s alright, brother. We’re here to help you,” a strange voice said. Jay furrowed his brows. Brother… There was something familiar about the voice, but he couldn’t place it. It didn’t sound like Mendoz-

“ARRGH..,” Jay growled like a wounded bear.  A piercing hot pain entered his chest, and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. His vision got blurry from the tears in his eyes, and his heart was pounding. The pressure and tightness in his chest was unbearable. He hadn’t felt such a sensation before, and it was ripping him apart from the inside. And then, just as fast as the pain had started, it diminished. Soon it was nothing but a small throb in his chest. His mouth hung open as he sucked in the extra oxygen his body so desperately needed. 

“You’re doing good, Jay. The hard part’s over. Just try and relax, steady your breathing,” Ronnie’s voice was calm as ever as he secured the chest tube with tape. He listened to Jay’s chest and lungs and observed as the liquid flowed through the tube and into the container that was attached to the other end of the tube. So far not an alarming amount of blood, good. And slowly but steadily, Jay’s vitals started to improve. 

“Okay, let’s get ready to transfer him to the backboard. Beardie, here’s a neck brace. Put it on him, speak calmly and explain what you’re doing. You, do you know how to insert an IV?” Ronnie barked instructions to the soldiers around him. They worked like a (mostly) well oiled machine, and in only a few minutes, Jay was strapped to the backboard, ready for transport.

Hailey waited patiently for Kenny to continue. But the older man stayed quiet. “And then what?” she asked impatiently. “Nothing. They transferred him out of the tunnel, carried him to the evacuation zone and waited until the chopper arrived to airlift him to the first hospital. Ronnie wasn’t allowed on the chopper, so he stayed for a few more hours to help with the smaller injuries before returning to his village with the moped,” Kenny summarized. Hailey glared at him with icy eyes. “But how can you know he’s okay then?” she demanded. Kenny sighed softly and rubbed his temples. “Because I spoke with Captain Kingsley,” Kenny reminded her softly. Right. Hailey’s cheeks turned red from the embarrassment. It was her turn to sigh. 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you,” she said and returned to her seat with a thump. Kenny’s smile was polite. “No need to apologize. This is a lot to absorb. Hopefully you’ll feel better when you see him. We should start the descent soon.” Hailey chewed on her nail. Yeah, that should help, right? 

— — 

Outside the gates of Fort Buchanan, Puerto Rico

She was chewing on her nail again. It was a habit she had mostly gotten rid of, but ever since Jay had crawled back into her life, the habit had made a comeback as well. Her grandmother would be disappointed if she knew. 

“Give me your ID, please,” Kenny’s voice brought her back to reality. Kenny took Hailey’s ID, and held it between his fingers as he drove the card to the checkpoint. He rolled down his windows as two soldiers circled their vehicle. 

“Good afternoon, sir. Could I see some identification please?” a young soldier asked in a monotone tone. Kenny obliged and gave him their IDs, as well as a folded paper. “We have a scheduled meeting, that should help clear things up,” Kenny said and pointed to the paper. The soldier nodded, backed away and walked inside the small post set up next to the gates. He returned a couple of minutes later. “Here you go, sir. There’s a vehicle coming to escort you to the right parking area. Follow them and do not wander off,” the soldier said and gave back their IDs. Kenny nodded and pushed the button to roll up the window. The gates creaked and moaned as they were pulled apart to make way. “You ready?” Kenny asked and drove forward after receiving the go ahead. She was able to hum a reply that sounded a bit like a yes. 

A black SUV led them through a maze of buildings, parking lots and shipping containers. They ended up at the far side of the base, in a quiet nook with little to no traffic. Kenny drove into a spot assigned to him, and turned off the ignition. “Just stick close to me, alright?” he said and stepped out. Hailey would have preferred to take a moment to gather herself and prepare for… whatever she was about to soon witness. She didn’t really know what to expect. Would he even be conscious? Tied down in case his mental state was still… feral? She felt wrong even thinking of it. She unbuckled her seatbelt, took one final steadying breath and opened the door. 

After short introductions with the two officers who were escorting them, the group started making their way towards the building. Each step closer to Jay was a small increase in Hailey’s heart rate. 

She found herself thinking that she was glad she hadn’t seen Jay in a hospital bed the first time. When he’d eventually lost his leg. The thought of being there through all that was crushing, and Hailey felt like a horrible person for thinking so. God, she was such a weak, pathetic partner. Jay would never think like she just did. 

The gravel beneath her shoes turned into linoleum and sun scorched carpet. Hailey followed the men in front of her like a brainless zombie, not thinking about anything. Only following the herd. She almost walked into Kenny when she wasn’t paying attention and they stopped. 

“Right, so a few things to go through first,” warrant officer Danielson said. Hailey’s eyebrows furrowed at his words. The act didn’t go unnoticed, and Danielson smiled tightly. “Nothing to worry about, ma’am. Just some simple safety precautions,” he added, which did nothing to calm her down. “As you have been informed before, Mr Halstead has a pretty significant concussion. That’s why we have him here, in a separate wing that’s normally used for quarantine. He’s extremely sensitive to light and noise, and this was the easiest way to provide him with the necessary medical care and privacy. Once you enter, do not turn on any lights, or open any curtains. We have found the optimal brightness level that he can tolerate without being in total darkness. That being said, you need to lower the brightness level of your phones, or leave them out here. Don’t forget to mute them if you decide to take them with you. His tolerance to voice is significantly better than his tolerance to lights, but I’d recommend using a slightly lower tone than normally. Or you can try and match his level if he’s in a chatty mood.” 

Hailey felt like she needed a notepad to write all this down. She’d dealt with concussions before, but this seemed more serious. 

“He’s made significant progress in the last couple of days. He’s now fully capable of recognizing his surroundings, so he’s no longer a threat to himself or others. He was slightly aggressive before, but we were able to keep him comfortable,” Danielson continued. He took a break from speaking, giving Hailey and Kenny a chance to digest the situation. 

“Is there anything else you’d like to know?” the officer asked after a short moment of silence. Kenny shook his head and turned to Hailey. “How’s he doing? Umm, how are his injuries?” she struggled to get the words out. Danielson turned to the other officer, lieutenant Perth. “I can do a full rundown of his injuries if you’d like, or give a simplified description of the current situation,” the older officer said, and waited for Hailey to decide. “Tell me everything.” 

“As you wish. We already went over his concussion. His neck and spine are clear, as well as his brain scans. His left eye is still mostly swollen shut, but there’s no permanent damage that would affect his vision. The facial fractures should heal on their own in a few weeks. The hairline fracture on his jaw is in a position that doesn’t cause much discomfort when he speaks. He has some bruising on this throat from when he was strangled, but the swelling has gone down significantly and no longer causes trouble breathing or swallowing.” What the fuck? Strangled?? Hailey wanted to interrupt the man to ask what he meant by that, but she didn’t dare. 

“Moving onto his right shoulder. It was placed back in the socket before any significant swelling could happen, but it was done in a rather grotesque manner, and some of the ligaments were damaged. Not permanently, but enough that his arm will need to stay immobilized for a couple of weeks. Which is unfortunate given that his left arm, his wrist to be more precise, was broken and is now in a cast. He has some trouble with fine motor skills for the moment but any restriction is expected to be temporary. It’s likely the swelling that’s pressing against a nerve and is causing the weakness he currently has.”

“What caused us to stay on our toes for the longest, however, was the severe trauma to his lungs, especially the left one. Despite only suffering two broken ribs, his left lung has gone through a lot. A doctor who treated him in the field diagnosed him with both a pneumothorax and a hemothorax, both serious conditions if not treated properly. We still have a chest drain in place, but are expecting to remove it tomorrow, maybe the day after that. His oxygen levels are mostly back to normal, but occasionally they drop down a little which isn’t ideal. We are keeping a close eye on it though, and are giving him some extra oxygen through a cannula. It’s not uncommon to have fluctuations in oxygen levels after a partial removal though, so there’s no need to worry. We just have to monitor him carefully as he has an increased risk of getting pneumonia,” lieutenant Perth assured. 

Huh?! “Partial removal of what?” Kenny asked, confused. Perth and Danielson shared a look. “What’s that look, what’s going on?” Hailey asked and found herself grabbing Kenny’s hand for support. Luckily the man didn’t mind. He gave Hailey’s hand a grounding squeeze. Lieutenant Perth cleared his throat. “A removal of a section of his left lung.”

When did she sit down? What chair was this? Hailey looked around. Oh. She must have gotten a bit unsteady on her feet seeing that she was now sitting next to Kenny, on some uncomfortable plastic chair. Warrant officer Danielson and lieutenant Perth were standing in front of her, looking slightly concerned. 

“You feeling better, ma’am?” Danielson asked and offered her a bottle of water. Hailey shook her head. “Thanks. I’m fine. I just wasn’t prepared to hear that you carved a piece of his lung off,” Hailey said with more bite than she meant. But she was too tired to apologize. This day just kept getting worse and worse. “Can I just see him? Please?” she stood up and was pleased when she didn’t falter too much. “Of course. Are you leaving your phones, or turning down the brightness and volume?” Danielson asked. Kenny handed over his phone, and Hailey made sure the brightness was turned all the way down, and muted it. The soldier nodded approvingly. “It’s just through that door here. There’s only one room in use, the one at the end of the hall,” Perth explained and motioned for Hailey and Kenny to come. “You go first, alright? I’ll be here if you need me,” Kenny said and remained seated while Hailey walked closer to the door. “Thank you,” she said, and she didn’t just mean him giving her some space. Kenny smiled and bowed his head. 

“You ready?” Perth asked, hand resting on the door handle. Hailey exhaled with a loud huff. “Yeah.” Perth pushed down on the handle and held the door open for her. She walked quietly, like a mouse, and heard the door creak shut behind her. 

Finding the correct room was easy, just like she’d been told. She stood at the entrance, unsure if she was ready to enter. Jay’s form was recognizable on the only bed in the room. It was hard to say if he was awake or not. But he was clearly alive, if all the machines were to be trusted. 

“Who’s there?” Jay rasped, and Hailey’s heart skipped a beat. Or two. Maybe five. His voice was hoarse, too weak for her liking, but it was Jay’s. He was alive, right there in front of her. She took a few steps closer. 

“It’s me, Jay,” she tried to be quiet, but her excitement was too much to contain. At least Jay didn’t seem to wince too hard. “Hails?” his quivering voice was like a warm hug on a cold winter day. Every ounce of hesitation vanished from her, and she closed the distance between them. 

Jay shifted carefully so that he was facing her. She could have walked around his bed, sure, but he wanted to see her from exactly here. “Oh, Jay..,” Hailey said with a sob and broke down in silent tears. Jay reached out with his left hand, wrapped in a blue cast, but was unable to grab her hand. Hailey didn’t miss the act though, and she carefully took his hand. His fingers couldn’t quite reach around her palm, but Hailey bathed in the direct contact like it was the essence of life itself. She leaned forward and carefully rested her forehead against his. Her tears fell on his skin, leaving behind wet blotches, but he didn’t care. They were Hailey’s tears, and he cherished their feeling against his bare skin. 

Hailey hadn’t been keeping track of time. It might have been only a handful of seconds, or several minutes when Jay cleared his throat. Hailey didn’t want to back off, but she knew Jay well enough to know what he meant, so she gave him some space. Hailey almost started to panic when Jay coughed multiple times, but something in his demeanor told her that there was no need to worry. She pulled out a chair and took a seat, and bit her nail as Jay coughed and hacked. 

It felt like an eternity, but eventually he stopped. He was out of breath, too much so, and Hailey was concerned. “You okay?” she asked and ran her hand through his hair, gently massaging his scalp. His eyes melted shut, and he hummed. “Mmm. Fine. Don’t worry,” Jay replied out of breath, voice even raspier. Each word seemed to be a great struggle, yet Hailey didn’t want to tell him to stop talking. She needed to hear his voice. Hailey scanned around the dim room and was able to spot a cup with a straw on it. She reached for it, and brought it to Jay’s lips. “Here, maybe this’ll help,” her mother hen mode was almost in full action. She never considered herself a caretaker by any means, but Jay was different. Jay took a few careful sips, almost as if he was counting how many ounces of liquid he was getting. “Thanks,” he whispered when he was done. He leaned back against the fluffy pillows and closed his eyes. 

Even in the poorly lit room Hailey could make out the deep lines on his face. He was clearly still in pain. “Could you..,” Jay’s voice was barely loud enough for her to hear. “What’s that?” she leaned closer and perked her ears. “Your touch felt so good,” Jay admitted shyly. Ah. Hailey smiled at him fondly, and gently ruffled his hair. Jay hummed pleasantly, and melted more into the pillows as Hailey started to massage his scalp. His lips were slightly turned upward. The sight warmed Hailey’s heart in a way she had not felt in weeks, months even. 

“Thanks for coming, Hails,” Jay muttered after a while. Hailey’s hand was getting sore from the repetitive motion, but she was dead set on continuing until Jay was either asleep or asked her to stop. She rolled her eyes despite him not being able to tell. “Of course I came. I’m sorry it took me so long,” she said and ruffled his hair again. Jay shifted a little, and Hailey used the opportunity to let her hand rest for a while. Jay opened his eyes a little, and stared at her. “Mmm, I wouldn’t have… been good company anyway,” he settled on saying, but Hailey didn’t miss the conflict in his eyes. “What is it?” she asked gently. Jay shifted again, but stopped abruptly, face screwed in pain. “Wh- what’s wrong?” Hailey asked and quickly stood up, hands hovering over him. Jay shook his head and tried taking deep breaths. “Nothing,” he said in an attempt to calm her. She looked at him warily, but didn’t press the red call button.

“Just, hurts sometimes,” Jay said when he got the pain mostly under control again. He hadn’t told her about the pump to the morphine drip he had hidden under the covers. The doctors had set it up before, to give him some say over his own body and pain management. He hadn’t taken a doze in a while, and not taking one was foolish. Being in pain slowed down recovery, he knew that. But it made him drowsy.

“They tell you?” Jay inquired, hoping that it would distract Hailey from his discomfort. His words were vague, he couldn’t make himself create a more coherent sentence. He was so tired. But Hailey would understand. She always did. Hailey took a seat again and shrugged her shoulders. “A bit. That a tunnel collapsed on top of you. Broken bones, damaged ligaments. Cuts and bruises. And they removed a part of your lung..,” Hailey’s voice trailed off at the last part. She still couldn’t believe it.  “Mmh, thoracotomy. Cracked my chest open, instead of using a less invasive method. They had a reason for it, can’t remember what. Hurts more though,” Jay explained with a tight voice. He didn’t want to fall asleep again. He wanted to spend more time with her. But man, the pain was kicking his ass right now. Stop being a jerk, Halstead, Jay thought to himself and discreetly pressed the pump. The faster he got better the sooner he could go home with her. 

“Kenny’s out in the hall, I forgot to say before,” Hailey said when she didn’t know what else to say. She wasn’t a medical expert so the name of the procedure didn’t mean anything to her. It all sounded very terrifying. Jay nodded a little, eyes glazed. “Nice of him to come,” he muttered and blinked rapidly, trying to stay awake a bit longer. “He’s the one who brought me here, of course he’s here too,” Hailey chuckled softly and observed Jay’s battle against sleep. “It’s okay, I’m not going anywhere. Get some rest, okay?” she said and leaned over to give him a soft kiss on his cheek. Jay’s lips curved into a smile, and he turned his head in an attempt to touch their lips together. Jay missed, but Hailey took the reins and planted the next kiss on his lips. It was a gentle, low effort kiss with barely nothing but skin touching skin. And yet, somehow, it was the greatest kiss of Jay’s life. When Hailey pulled back, Jay’s eyes were closed, and his breathing was mostly even. “Rest now,” Hailey whispered again and wiped tears from her eyes. She listened to his off-sounding breathing. Despite being on constant oxygen and fast asleep, Jay still sounded out of breath. It all was simply very overwhelming, Hailey didn’t know how else to describe the scene. Seeing - and hearing - Jay like this was almost too much for her to handle. But the joy of having him back in her life overshadowed everything else. 

— — — —

Chicago, 21st precinct, 6pm, 8th of December 

Hank sat behind his desk, observing the bullpen and his detectives. They were supposed to be going home any minute now, but no one had made any effort to wrap up today’s work that they all pretended to do instead of actually making progress. 

Hailey had promised to call as soon as she had a few minutes to spare. Hank didn’t know what to expect, honestly. A few days of radio silence? Or would she call tonight?

Sometimes the universe was on Hank’s side, and his phone rang as if on cue. He flipped it over, and saw Hailey’s name on the screen. Video call? Hank stood up, took a few quick steps to exit his office and caught the attention of his detectives. 

“I have Hailey on the phone. Come over here,” he said and waved his hand to insinuate the urgency. As Hank pressed to accept the call, the others hurriedly approached Hank and squeezed together to try and see Hank’s screen.

Hank couldn’t hide his disappointment when it was Hailey and Hailey alone that appeared on his phone screen. Maybe he was delusional for expecting Jay to be in a condition to be making phone calls… 

“Hey, it’s me,” Hailey’s voice was low, and Hank had to increase the volume on his phone to be able to hear her properly. In true Hank fashion, his phone was covered in his grimy fingerprints so Hailey’s image was as if it was behind a faint gray filter. But even Hank’s dirty phone couldn’t hide the evidence from crying on Hailey’s face.

“Hey, how is he?” Kim asked worriedly. Hank probably should have been displeased that someone else was hijacking the lead, considering that it was his phone after all, but Hank didn’t have it in him to argue about something so pointless. 

“Alive?” Hailey’s reply was hesitant, unsure. More of a question than an answer. The atmosphere in the precinct was tense to begin with, but now it reached record highs. “What do you mean, you’re not sure?!” Hank raised his voice and couldn’t help but take a few steps forward, causing the herd of detectives to follow and try and claim their spots so they could see Hailey again.

“Sorry. It’s just a lot, being here, seeing him like that,” Hailey sniffled and wiped her nose with the sleeve of her shirt. The situation must have been quite serious since Adam didn’t make a stupid joke about it. Hailey stood up, and the others could make out a dark hallway in the background of Hailey’s video. “He’s still probably sleeping, but um I can take you to him if you want?” Hailey continued and waited for an answer. Hank glanced around and raised an eyebrow at his team. A few quiet mumbles of ‘yeah, sure’ weren’t much to convince Hank that it was a good idea to see Jay. But he needed to see him. “We’d like that,” Hank replied with a strong, encouraging voice. Hailey nodded and started walking. 

Hailey seemed to reach the end of the hall. She paused, and looked around hesitantly. She tapped the screen of her phone and did something, Hank couldn’t tell what. “Just umm, keep your voices down okay? In case he’s awake. He still has some sensitivity to loud noises,” Hailey explained and shifted behind the camera. Hank nodded, and turned to each of his detectives, waiting for an acknowledgment. Everyone nodded. “Understood,” Hank said to Hailey and waited. She seemed nervous for some reason, Hank couldn’t figure out why. It’s not like the team hadn’t seen each other hurt before… What a sad thought, Hank wondered to himself. 

“He’s pretty banged up, um, just so you know,” Hailey’s voice was slightly shaky when she seemed to reach a door, presumably leading to Jay’s room. She didn’t wait for an acknowledgment from the team, and reached for the door to push it open. 

The video feed turned black for a moment, and the front camera view of Hailey’s face was replaced with a dimly lit hospital room. In the spotlight of it all, Jay. Hailey walked closer in silence, clutching the phone in her hand. If she held on a little more tightly, she might just crack the screen.

Hailey took a seat next to Jay’s bed, and pointed the camera towards the many monitors surrounding his bed. “Some of them are here as a precaution I think. In case he has complications from the operation,” she explained with a soft tone, trying not to disturb Jay. 

Hank didn’t need to glance back to know that he wasn’t the only one confused by Hailey’s words. “What operation?” he asked. Hailey didn’t bother holding the phone at a proper angle, and let it point toward her shoes. “Um, they had to take out a small portion of his left lung,” she replied with a sniffle. It still made her head hurt, saying those words out loud. She’d been resisting the urge to google all the potential complications, and what it even meant for Jay long term. Would he have a normal life again? Or whatever his life was before Bolivia round two. She didn’t know. 

“Oh, Hailey..,” Kim’s voice was teary, and she wished she had the ability to teleport to her friend and give her a much needed hug. She had to settle for giving her a sympathetic look instead. Kim at least had the comfort of Adam’s arms around her. She hadn’t even needed to say anything, Adam knew exactly when she’d need him. 

“I don’t really know the long term prognosis or anything. I just know he’s alive and he’s not dying,” Hailey deflected from Kim’s attempted reassurances. 

Hailey was still pointing the phone at the floor, so the team in Chicago didn’t see Jay shifting. 

“Hails?” Jay’s sleepy voice called out, followed by a short coughing fit. Hailey immediately abandoned her phone, tossing it to the seat she vacated when standing up to fetch some water for Jay. 

The team stared at the bare ceiling of the room for a moment, hearing muffled speaking in the background. They were growing more and more restless by each passing second. Dante was about to speak up when Hailey finally picked up the phone. 

The team waited silently while Hailey seemed to prop her phone up against something, and soon a groggy looking Jay appeared on the screen. 

He was, like Hailey had warned them, bruised and banged up. Hank and Dante were expecting him to look worse, while Kim and Kevin were surprised to see him in such bad shape. It was hard to see him clearly as the room was so poorly lit. Most of his face appeared bruised and slightly swollen, especially one of his eyes. His stubble had gotten noticeable indicating that he hadn’t shaved in a while. His hair was flat against his scalp, oily and unwashed. 

“Hi guys,” Jay croaked, breaking the tense and awkward silence. He sounded tired, not all there in a way. Probably the drugs. 

“Hey kid,” Hank heard himself say. No matter how many times they clashed heads over it, he would always see Jay as part of his family. Like they’d established before, Jay didn’t mind being considered family by Hank, he just didn’t want to be treated like a kid. Overprotectiveness of a parent and whatnot. 

The corners of Jay’s lips turned into a lousy smile. He’d missed Hank a lot. He’d missed all of them, of course. But like Hank, Jay also considered him family, and the support of a parental figure was something special. 

“You doing okay? Scared the hell out of us,” Hank continued after seeing Jay’s smile. It made him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Hank stared at Jay’s face through the screen, and noticed a small nod of a yes. “Mmm, been better. Been worse too,” Jay replied with a hint of the sass that everyone loved about him. It was a weak attempt from Jay, but it was there nonetheless. 

“I think I need to confiscate your passport or something. No more trips abroad for you, mister,” Adam jabbed, taking the spotlight from Hank. That’s the thing about Adam. He doesn’t like tense situations where people talk about their feelings. Humor is always a great remedy if you asked him. Sometimes it was poorly timed, like really poorly, and sometimes it somehow managed to make everyone smile. 

Hailey didn’t smile. But Jay did, and that’s all that mattered.  

“You can have it after. After I fly home,” Jay quipped, having found his secret stash of energy. He’d missed Adam and his stupid jokes that were almost always executed poorly. 

“Oh yeah? When are you flying home, do you know?” Kevin shoved Adam slightly to the left to fit himself more into the camera’s view. He’d been hanging back seeing as his larger body would have taken space from Kim and Dante. 

Jay shrugged his shoulders, and nudged his head toward Hailey. She moved closer to Jay, appearing more in the camera’s view. “That’s still being decided. In true Jay fashion, he’s keeping the doctors on their toes. If you want, I can go and fetch one so they can explain it better?” Hailey answered and stood up from Jay’s bed, knowing that her team would like more answers. 

Jay protested immediately, and reached for her hand. Again, he couldn’t reach it, and the edges of pain returned to his face as he tried to reach further than his battered body allowed. Jay had to bite his tongue to stifle a pained gasp. “It’s okay, Jay. I’ll be right back,” Hailey reassured, and grabbed Jay’s hand for a moment. He brought their entwined hands to his lips, and gave her hand a soft kiss. 

“The call button,” Jay breathed out tiredly, pain having taken its toll on him once again. Hailey rolled her eyes at him, fondly one might point out, and pressed the call button with her free hand. She let Jay keep his hold on her hand as she reclaimed her seat on the edge of Jay’s bed. 

She had the perfect position to observe Jay’s facial expressions. He was in pain. More than before. His blinks were slow, a pointless attempt to get the pain under control. He probably couldn’t even clench his jaw as hard as he wanted without causing more discomfort. It was hard to tell in the poor lighting, but his skin was starting to get clammy again.

She almost felt guilty. He wouldn’t have tried to reach for her hand if she hadn’t planned on leaving. But she couldn’t have known it would cause such a reaction from him. So she didn’t. 

She leaned closer, and caught Jay’s attention. He tilted his head, and focused his eyes on her the best he could. “You can doze off, you know. I promise I’ll stay right here,” she whispered softly enough that her phone wouldn’t pick it up. She brought her free hand to Jay’s face and gave his cheek a gentle stroke. She let her hand travel against his skin until it reached his hairline. He melted under her gentle touch like butter. She didn’t even need to run her fingers through his hair for more than a few seconds before he was out. 

She let out a long sigh and untangled her hand from Jay’s grasp. She continued to stroke his hair for a while longer. 

The team had observed everything quietly. “Is he okay?” Kim asked carefully after the situation seemed settled. Hailey had almost forgotten they were still on the line. “Yeah. Um, he’s just, he gets tired fast. The pain takes a lot of the little energy he has,” her voice was uncomfortably shaken, she didn’t like that at all. She wanted to be strong for him, to show Jay that she could be there for him. And what a great job she was doing so far…

A gentle knock on the door startled Hailey from her thoughts. Ah, the doctor she paged. The door was pushed open, and lieutenant Perth entered the room. His boots were quiet against the linoleum as he walked closer to Jay and Hailey. 

“Everything alright?” Perth asked with a low voice when he got close enough. Hailey nodded, and stood up. “Yeah, umm, I was wondering if you could answer some more questions about Jay’s condition,” Hailey requested and reached for her phone. “I have his old team on the line, and um, we’re all still in the dark here.” Perth smiled sympathetically and nodded. “Of course. Shall we move to the sitting area just across from here? We don’t want to disturb him,” he suggested and motioned for Hailey to follow. He led them across the room to some armchairs, a small couch and, wait, was that a coffee machine? In a hospital room? What a nice surprise. 

Perth took a seat on one of the armchairs, and Hailey spent a couple of seconds propping her phone against some mugs and magazines before taking a seat next to Perth. The man observed everyone on Hailey’s phone. “Good evening, everyone. I’m doctor Perth, I’m part of Jay’s medical team here on base. What can I help you with?” he introduced himself and went straight to the point. Good. 

Hank introduced himself and the rest of the team to Perth. “When can he come home to Chicago?” Hank matched the no-nonsense of Perth, and skipped the small talk as well. 

Perth smiled politely and considered his answer. “Well. It’s the eighth today, right? I think we can assume he’ll spend the holidays at home. Anything more specific than that, it’s really up to Jay and his body. We have him on strong antibiotics to try and keep an infection from becoming more severe. He went without medical attention for several hours before help got to him, so there was ample time for bacteria to settle down. He was treated in the field, in unsanitary conditions, and while the doctor who treated him did a magnificent job, there simply was no way to keep incisions perfectly clean,” Perth spoke slowly and cautiously. He was sure of his words, but he wasn’t sure how they would be received. 

“Jay is stable but not out of the woods. He went through a severe trauma. Multiple, in fact. Recovery from something like this takes time, lots of it. If we can keep the infection under control, and if his body adapts normally to the lung operation then he should recover eventually,” Perth added a little more information before quieting down to let the detectives process everything. Hailey already knew some of this. But she didn’t mind the refresher. 

“What does that mean, “adapt normally”? Is there, like some sort of chance that he can’t live on one and a half lungs?” Kevin had been there before, and more recently than the others. Listening to doctors explain how serious Jay’s injuries were. So maybe that’s why he was able to process it all a bit faster. 

“Oh, that’s more about the typical timelines. While every person and their body is different, we have basic guidelines and time tables, such as recovery times. In this case, Jay’s body should adapt relatively fast to having a smaller lung capacity. His oxygen levels should stabilize, and breathing patterns should return to normal levels. But because of the severity of the damage he received to his chest area, it might take him longer to adapt. We have every reason to believe that he will, it just might take longer. And that is directly connected to how quickly he recovers. He can’t recover properly until his oxygen levels stabilize, and his levels won’t stabilize before the infection and pain management are under complete control,” Perth did his best to make his answer not too medical, but judging by the faces on the phone’s screen he didn’t seem to be all that successful. 

“Okay, listen. I know this all probably seems scary and extremely serious. And it is, his condition isn’t something to be brushed aside like that. But people don’t need two whole lungs to live a long, healthy life. There will be some changes for him but I have full faith in him to make the best recovery possible,” he added when his audience seemed a tad too shocked to say anything. 

“He’s just living up to his identity, so it makes sense I guess,” Adam of all people spoke first. The awkward silence continued, and Adam felt the need to clarify. “Robocop, guys. Robocop. Keep up, would you? OW! Come on, Kim!” Adam moaned and rubbed his sore arm. The woman surely packed a mean punch. 

If Perth found the situation amusing, he didn’t show it. “As I’ve mentioned to Hailey before, Jay still has a chest tube inserted to help with the fluid buildup. We are looking to remove that tomorrow. We are already in contact with his team of doctors in Chicago to create a plan for the future - physical therapy, pain management, lifestyle changes, physiotherapy, psychological help, you get the gist. Like I said before, I can’t give you an exact timeline but we are doing work behind the scenes to ensure that Jay gets home as soon as possible. He has already made it clear to us that the doesn’t wish to remain here much longer,” the doctor said. There wasn’t much left for him to say, unless someone had a new question for him. 

The silence remained, and Perth didn’t want another robocop or a terminator joke. “I’ll check his vitals and incisions on my way out. If you could give us some privacy, and turn off the camera please.” The man stood up and gave a small nod towards Hailey’s phone and walked off.

”Well. You heard him, I better turn this off. Umm, I’ll text you tomorrow. Or when I know something,” Hailey rushed the words out, eager to Join Perth to see how Jay was doing. The team noticed her hurry, and didn’t keep her any longer. With a quick wave and goodbye Hailey ended the call and left her phone leaning against the mugs and magazines. 

Perth was a hard man to read. Jay had stirred at the beginning of Perth’s examination but fell asleep quickly after Perth reassured him that he didn’t need to stick around for the procedure. Hailey couldn’t tell if Perth was happy with what he was seeing so far or not. And she didn’t want to interfere. All she knew was that she wasn’t happy with what she was seeing.

Wherever Perth looked, more bruises and cuts showed up. Jay’s arms, chest, legs… Under his dressings, pressure bandages… She could barely look at him. How he was conscious and talking lucidly was beyond her understanding. No one should endure so much pain and torment. 

She couldn’t take it any longer, and wandered back to the sitting area. She had to spend a few moments trying to decipher the controls of the coffee machine to get the desired cocktail of caffeine she wanted, but in the end she had a steaming paper cup of coffee in her hand. Hailey considered leaving the room to look for Kenny but decided against it. She’d promised to Jay that she wouldn’t go. And she didn’t really want to, she just needed something else to do other than think about Jay. 

“It’s okay to be upset.” Hailey startled when Perth’s voice sounded just behind her. She’d been so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t hear him walking over. 

“Just because he’s the one physically injured doesn’t mean that you don’t feel it too,” he continued before walking past her to the coffee machine, operating it with ease to get his desired drink.

He was right, of course. “I just wish I knew how to help him,” Hailey admitted quietly. Perth was probably used to comforting distressed family members. Or, maybe not considering he was a military doctor who probably spent most of his time on base where civilians weren’t allowed. 

Perth returned to her, coffee cup in hand, and took a seat next to her. He took a sip of his coffee, and studied Hailey with a thoughtful look on his face. “He hasn’t said much about what happened to him. In those tunnels. I don’t think he will tell us, he won’t be here long enough for it. He might never tell you either. Just, try and be understanding, okay? You might think that he doesn’t trust you and chooses not to tell you for that reason. But you’re wrong. It had nothing to do with trust,” Perth’s words were careful, as if he didn’t want to overstep but couldn’t stay silent either. 

Hailey tilted her head, confused. “What do you mean? What did happen in those tunnels?” she asked, intrigued. She only thought that a tunnel collapsed on him. But… She had been told that Jay’s broken wrist was likely from being stepped on. And the bruising on his throat was from being choked. There was no tunnel in the world that could do that. 

Perth stood up and finished the remains of his coffee in one large gulp. He walked over to the small trash bin and crumpled the cup in his hand before tossing it away. “Jay and another soldier, a man from a different unit, they were in pursuit of a target when they entered the tunnels,” he revealed. He wasn’t sure how much he should be sharing. It was Jay’s story to tell, after all. 

Hailey glanced over her shoulder and looked at Jay’s sleeping form for a moment. There was only one man who could have done this. “Did he find him? Did he find Mendoza?” Hailey asked anxiously despite already knowing the answer. Perth’s face was unreadable in the dark room. His sigh was uncharacteristically loud in the otherwise quiet room.

“He did indeed,” Perth eventually answered. It didn’t bring Hailey any sort of comfort. She felt nothing at all. “And?” she asked, and Perth raised his brows. “And what?” he replied as he prepared to leave the room. Jay probably wasn’t his only patient. “What happened to that piece of shit?” Hailey pressed and took a step closer to him before he bolted away, taking the answers with him. “I have no idea,” the doctor replied, seemingly telling the truth. “You’d have to ask him that. And like I said. He hasn’t said much about it at all.” 

Hailey didn’t know how to respond to that, and Perth took her silence as permission to leave the room. Hailey stood still for a moment, another. Slowly, she turned around to face Jay. “Oh, what on earth happened?” her voice was a pleading whisper to the universe, a cry for answers she needed but likely would never get. With a shaky sigh she returned to Jay’s bedside, taking a seat next to his bed. She’d stay by him, no matter what. 

Chapter Text

22nd of December, Chicago, Jay’s apartment 

It hadn’t stopped snowing yet. Three full days now, Jay thought. He tried to think back to his childhood. Did he love heavy snowfall as a kid? He couldn’t recall. Now, it felt ethereal. Like the whole city stopped moving and let itself be consumed by the falling white. Jay let it consume him too. 

He hadn’t been talking much. Not yet. Everyone kept waiting for him to be ready. To flip a switch and fall back into the Jay he was before. Bolivia. It was always Bolivia that ruined him. That’s what happened now too. He was, once again, a shell of what he was before. He sat on his wheelchair, staring out through the glass of his garden door. Empty. Hollow. Unworthy. 

Hailey was the only one that seemed to understand. He wasn’t sure how she could, but somehow she did. Even now, she was somewhere in his tiny apartment. Giving him the space that wasn’t possible in such a small space, yet Jay still felt alone. At peace. He was thankful for her patience and support. He just didn’t know how to say it, how to show it. 

He should have put his socks on. Sock. But he was too tired when he got out of bed to dress properly. He shouldn’t have gotten up at all. He was still hurting too much to be sitting up in his chair. But he wanted to see the snow. 

It was the second day of not wearing a sling anymore. For his shoulder. It still hurt, but he didn’t push the pain away either. Almost opened his arms to it, invited it closer. To feel is to be alive. And he wanted to be. Alive. So he wanted to feel it. 

“Would you like something to eat?” Hailey’s steps were too quiet, and Jay couldn’t stop the violent flinch. At least Hailey didn’t comment on them anymore. He always flinched. Jay turned his head, and saw Hailey standing there with a pair of fluffy socks and a hoodie in her arms. Without a word, she walked up to him, knelt down to put both socks on his only remaining foot. Jay didn’t protest. She straightened her back, and held the hoodie in front of him. The thin t-shirt he was wearing wasn’t enough to keep him warm, so he leaned forward and let Hailey help him put the hoodie on. “Zipper?” she asked once Jay’s arms were in the sleeves, and he had leaned back against the seat. He wanted to say yes, but his voice was lost. Instead, he nodded a little and gave Hailey a weak smile. She didn’t mind the silent answer, and helped him zip up the hoodie. She was so good to him. He didn’t deserve it. 

“Have you taken your meds yet?” she asked gently. Probably already knew the answer too. He hadn’t. Jay cleared his throat. “No.” It was more like a huff of air being let out of him than a spoken word, but Hailey understood. “I’ll put them on the table, for breakfast. I’ll leave you to it. Should take maybe ten, fifteen minutes,” Hailey replied with a soft, sad tone. She tried to keep the sadness away from her voice. Most of the time, she didn’t succeed. She squeezed his shoulder, the only form of intimacy Jay accepted from her, and quietly walked from the room, leaving Jay alone with the falling snow. 

She wasn’t sure how long she could keep this up. He wasn’t fine. He was so far from fine that even a blind man with no eyes could see it. But lieutenant Perth’s words echoed in her mind. It wasn’t about Jay not trusting her with his feelings, with whatever happened in those tunnels. He just needed time. Hailey hoped that she had enough of it to offer. 

Hailey didn’t really like porridge. It wasn’t a breakfast she liked to make. But it was one of the few things Jay would eat, so she made it with love. She dug through the small freezer compartment of his fridge, and fished out a small bag of frozen blueberries. Something to brighten his meal, and mood hopefully. 

She didn’t call out to him when breakfast was ready. She’d done that the first morning, four days ago, and while not seeing Jay flinch, she could hear his reaction. She’d apologized profusely. Jay barely acknowledged her words, only whispered that it wasn’t her fault. The breakfast stayed untouched that morning. 

Hailey was halfway through her mug of coffee when Jay joined her in the kitchen. His meal was already waiting for him. Jay wheeled himself to the chairless spot at the table - Hailey had moved one of the chairs elsewhere for the time being - and stared at the still steaming porridge in front of him. “Blueberries in the cup over here,” Hailey added casually. Jay smiled at her. His favorite berries. “Thanks,” he was able to produce coherent words at least. He poured the whole cup of berries on top of the porridge, and gave the berries a moment to defrost a little. He side eyed the awaiting collection of pills that Hailey had served for him. All necessary but none that he wanted to take.

“Porridge first. As you already know. No repeats of yesterday,” Hailey coaxed, and Jay’s brows furrowed at the memory of yesterday. He’d been in more of a mood than today, and skipped breakfast and took his morning medical cocktail with an empty stomach. Fast forward about an hour, and he was on his knees in the bathroom, getting reacquainted with the porcelain seat. Jay shivered at the memory, and scooped up some porridge and berries with the spoon. 

“You’re good at this,” Jay commented after a few quiet minutes of eating. Hailey lowered her phone, and raised her brows. “At what?” she truly didn’t know. Jay nodded towards the porridge. “It’s good. Not too much salt,” he replied and took another spoonful. Hailey couldn’t help but smile, and watched as Jay reluctantly reached for his medication. She smiled again when Jay looked at her for reassurance.

“That’s good. I would hate for you to go hungry because I can’t cook for you,” Hailey said as Jay popped the last two pills into his mouth. He took a swig of apple juice to wash them down. Another version of Jay would have laughed at that. Hailey wasn’t that great a cook, that much was true. A picky food enthusiast could have starved if forced to live on her cooking. This version of Jay didn’t. “It’s good,” he said again, voice low. And there it was. All the words Jay would say that day. All spoken before ten o'clock. 

— — 

He should probably shower today, before bed. He hadn’t, not since he was released from Med on the 17th. His bathroom was great for him as he would need the mobility aids. But it was small. No window. Too crowded for two people. Maybe if he left the door open… 

“Hank texted earlier. Asked if he can come over tomorrow. What do you think?” Hailey had remembered to make her footsteps more obvious this time, and she didn’t end up startling Jay. He didn’t break his focus from the falling snow, but did consider Hailey’s words. No. He wasn’t ready yet. He shook his head, and had to close his eyes when a sudden wave of dizziness hit him.

It was mostly gone by now. Most of the time he didn’t notice it at all. But certain movements and things such as flashing lights could still make his head feel like it had been stuffed in a washing machine. If Hailey noticed it, she didn’t acknowledge it. Good. 

“I’ll text him back later, say that it’s not a good time, okay?” she responded with a gentle sigh. Not impatient, but a little disappointed. Jay understood. Wished he could help her. But he couldn’t. Not yet. “Well, how about that shower you were talking about the other day? I know your hair could do with a bit of soap,” Hailey had learned by now that there was no point in getting stuck on a topic. He had said no, end of. At least this time Hailey was able to find a suitable replacement topic. 

Jay perked up, thankful that she somehow knew exactly what he had been thinking. He turned in his seat and faced her. Gods, she looked beautiful. Her dirty blonde hair was loose against her shoulders, slightly tucked behind her ears. She was like a goddess, only one he believed in. He smiled a little, and nodded yes to the shower. He’d manage in the small bathroom. Because he had her. 

Okay, maybe he overestimated himself. The shower was hell. 

By the end of it, Hailey was probably more drenched than he was. He’d been sitting in his shower chair - still too unsteady on his feet foot to shower while standing. They’d agreed to wash his hair last, just in case he wasn’t feeling it after all. Even the door was wide open, just in case it would make a difference. It didn’t. 

It had been fine up until the very end. Hailey didn’t need to help much, Jay was able to scrub himself clean enough with only one hand while his other was wrapped in a plastic bag. Can’t get the cast wet after all. His chest was still sore, so he didn’t bother trying to bend down or raise his arm too high. He’d get clean enough on his own. 

And then the hair. Jay had been fine with it at the hospital, so he truly didn’t expect anything that dramatic to happen. But when Hailey reached for the shower head and dislodged it from the wall, it happened. The shower head was attached more tightly than Hailey anticipated, and so when she was able to yank it free, she accidentally sprayed water all over, some of it hitting an unexpecting Jay. 

It was like a switch had been flicked. Jay shot up from his seat, accidentally knocking Hailey down in the process. He wasn’t even sure what he was trying to do, but by the time he became aware of his surroundings again, he realized he was sitting on the floor of his lightless bedroom. Naked, dripping wet. 

His head was spinning. He could barely focus his eyes, and he noticed that his breathing was laboured and unusually fast paced. Right. A good old panic attack then. He was both cold and hot at the same time, trembling against the wardrobe that he had taken refuge by. He was probably sweating too, but it was hard to tell since he was drenched from the shower. 

“Jay?” Hailey had followed him at some point. He hadn’t noticed, again, and flinched when he heard her speak. His head banged against the wardrobe and he couldn’t stop a whine. He scrunched his eyes shut, too afraid to face her in this state. She said something again, but his head was underwater. Her words were muffled, spoken in a language Jay didn’t understand. The muffled words continued for a while, then footsteps. Eventually, it quieted down. 

When Jay opened his, he was alone. His breathing wasn’t laboured anymore, and he wasn’t shaking as much as before. Now it was mostly from being cold and in pain. His eyes landed on a large towel that Hailey had left for him. His hands felt weak as he reached for it, and struggled to wrap it around his shoulders. The plastic bag that had been taped over his cast had fallen off at some point, and Jay could see shreds of it on the floor in front of him. Fascinating, Jay thought as he stared at them. It was like a wild animal had sunken its claws into it and shredded it into tiny little pieces. Except that he was the animal. 

He should apologize to her. He wasn’t sure what exactly had happened, but he was certain that he needed to apologize. He just couldn’t. 

Jay tugged at the towel to position it better around himself, and felt an odd sensation in his chest. He looked down, and gently slid his hand over the damp skin. He raised his hand and looked at his palm. Oh. That’s an oddly dark color. Oh. Blood. He shouldn’t have been surprised to realize that he had popped a stitch, or four during his ferocious rampage. He just didn’t want to bother Hailey for help. He didn’t deserve it at the moment anyway. He studied the trail of blood trickling down his chest. It wasn’t that much blood, he concluded, and decided to leave it be for now. 

Doing his best to make as little sound as possible - to avoid drawing Hailey’s attention of course - Jay was able to stand up and use anything in his path for support. He successfully made it to the door of his bedroom, and closed it. He then flipped the lights on, and had to close his eyes for a moment when the brightness threatened to burn off his corneas. When enough time had passed, Jay carefully opened his eyes and allowed himself a better look at his chest. Yup, that’s blood alright. It was just his luck that he and Hailey had decided to do his dressing changes in the bathroom, so there were no supplies in this room.

Jay managed to take a seat on the edge of his bed. He listened carefully, and couldn’t hear any footsteps. Good, the closed door was enough of a sign to keep her away. Now what?

Jay was the kind of person who would tuck his pajamas under his pillow for the day, and today he was thankful for that. He didn’t need to move too far to be able to grab them. Unfortunately he did need to move quite a bit to get his pants on. Not a fun experience. He had hoped that by the time he had his pants on his chest would have stopped bleeding. No such luck. He liked the shirt that he was supposed to put on. Bloodstains were a pain to get rid of. 

Maybe eventually, in years to come, Jay would figure out what he had done to deserve Hailey Upton in his life. Jay was just about to reach for his shirt when he heard it. A hesitant knock on the door. “Jay? Can I come in? I saw blood in the bathroom and it isn’t mine?” Jay sighed in relief. He hadn’t even considered the fact that Hailey might be hurt, but it lifted a stone from his heart to hear that she seemed to be okay. 

Jay cleared his throat and tried to say yes. But no sound came out. He couldn’t. He was so ashamed. How could he face her?

Hailey didn’t give him time to dwell on it as she gently opened the door and approached him, holding a first aid kit. The need to see that Hailey was okay was stronger than his shame, so Jay raised his head and carefully studied her. On the outside, she seemed to be okay. Her hair was damp, and her cheeks were a bit red, but that seemed to be it. If he wasn’t too busy wallowing in self hatred he would have asked if she was okay. 

“Let’s get you patched up, alright?” Hailey’s voice should have been laced with hate, disgust. But it wasn’t. Jay couldn’t understand how. She walked closer, and knelt down in front of him. Her hands were steady as they gently prodded his bare chest, testing if anything was severely hurt. Jay was too tired to flinch anymore. “I don’t think we need to go to Med for this. I think it’s mostly just some of the scabs that came off. But you need to tell me if you start feeling lightheaded, dizzy, you know the deal,” Hailey spoke as she used wipes to clean away the blood. The flow of red hadn’t stopped completely yet, but it was slow enough that Hailey felt comfortable to handle the situation herself. The alternative wasn’t something she wanted to even entertain. Jay was in no state to visit a loud emergency room. 

Some minutes later Jay was tucked in bed, freshly bandaged. Hailey had returned from the kitchen with his meds and a little snack. Jay was nibbling on a protein bar, and Hailey sat on her side of the bed, observing. 

“We can talk tomorrow if you’d prefer?” Hailey eventually said. She would have preferred today, but pushing it would do no good. Dread flashed in Jay’s eyes, but it was quickly hidden away. He simply nodded, and shifted his focus on swallowing the food that didn’t want to make its way down his throat. Great. I can’t wait, Jay thought. 

— — — —

23rd of December, Jay’s apartment, afternoon 

They’d avoided it for as long as they could. But now it was time to put on the big boy pants and get it over with. Jay was sitting on the couch, a cup of untouched tea of all things in his grasp. Hailey hadn’t joined him yet, but would be there any minute now. He hadn’t said a word to her in over twenty four hours. He wondered if he even had a voice anymore. Probably. He’d gone longer without speaking before. 

“Hey,” Hailey greeted when she took a seat next to him. Far enough that their shoulders weren’t touching. Just like he wanted it, and exactly like she hated it. 

“Hi,” Jay replied, and the hoarseness of his voice startled him. He took a quick look at Hailey and saw that she was smiling a little. Jay turned his head away, cheeks red. 

“I’ll skip the awkward speeches and just go straight to the point. What happened yesterday?” Hailey turned in her spot, angling her body to face him. She wasn’t feeling very optimistic about the conversation, she’d be happy if he even participated at all. 

Jay swirled the mug carefully, not wanting to spill the tea. He watched as a small whirlpool developed in the middle of the tea. Maybe if he jumped into it, it would transport him to another universe where he didn’t need to have this conversation. Yeah, right. “I don’t know,” he said. A half truth, technically. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” he added. It was the first genuine thing he had said to her in days. 

Hailey wanted to reach for his hand, plant a soft kiss on his forehead and tell him that it was not his fault. But something had shifted in Jay, and ever since they got back from Bolivia, Jay didn’t let her hug him anymore. They hadn’t even shared a kiss since being back. “I know you didn’t mean to,” she settled on saying. She chewed on her nail as she gathered her thoughts. “Can you tell me why?” she tried. 

He really wanted to. He wanted to explain that it wasn’t her fault. “You just surprised me. That’s all,” another half truth. Hailey scoffed. “That’s bullshit and you know it. What happened in those tunnels? I’ve never seen you like this, and I can’t help you unless you talk to me,” she didn’t mean to raise her voice, but the frustration was getting to her. She didn’t miss the way Jay's shoulders curled inward, like he was making himself smaller. She mentally punched herself for losing her cool so quickly. 

Would she look at him the same way if she knew the truth? Jay couldn’t take that chance. “Why does it matter? You can’t help me anyway,” he tried to deflect. The chase was on, and he was the fox being led to a dead end. And Hailey was the hound hot on his heels. “It matters because I love you! What happened, with Mendoza?” Hailey had to curl her hands into fists and dig her nails into the skin of her palms to keep control of her emotions. 

He could see it already. High walls of stone, surrounding him on all sides but one. He could turn around and face the hound. Or he could keep staring at the walls and accept the inevitable end. 

No. 

“I went after him. With Jack, Jack Eastwood. We got separated. He triggered one of the linked explosives. The tunnels collapsed. I tried to find my way out,” he couldn’t give up now. After everything he had done to crawl back to her. He wouldn’t be the one that caused their demise. “My prosthetic got damaged by debris, but it was good enough to use. I did my best to keep moving forward. But I got stuck.”

Hailey was holding her breath, scared that any noise from her would discourage Jay from continuing with his story. She did know bits and pieces already. She’d spoken with Kenny, of course, and then Green. He was awfully tight lipped, insistent that Jay should be the one to tell her whatever he thought necessary. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw him. He looked exactly like he did before. Better, even,” Jay’s voice trailed off and he rubbed his stump with one hand. A vain method to soothe his mind. His habit of fiddling with things was gone. Shards of sea glass abandoned, a blanket of dust on each one. He didn’t continue with the story, and Hailey was at a crossroads. Speak up, or wait for him to continue on his own. 

“Did you kill him?” she blurted the words out without meaning to. Jay’s eyes darted to hers, and he studied her with piercing intensity. He was… searching for something? “Would that make a difference?” he asked, gaze still locked on Hailey’s. “No,” she answered quickly. Too quickly. 

“Don’t lie to me,” Jay snapped and turned his gaze elsewhere. Shit, Hailey thought. “Okay, sorry. I- I don’t know, okay?” she tried to salvage the situation. They’d been actually getting somewhere, and she had to go and ruin it by rushing things. 

If Jay had the ability to do so, he would have stood up and stormed off. But alas, he was still waiting for his new prosthetic leg to arrive from the factory, and wearing his running blade wasn’t convenient indoors, so he had been leg free for weeks now. He let out a frustrated sigh. His leg couldn’t get there fast enough. 

“If you say it wouldn’t change anything then why does it matter? Can’t you just let this go?” Jay rubbed his face with both hands, trying to find a way out of the conversation. “Because I need to understand what he did that made you this broken!” Hailey’s words were a slap across Jay’s face. A  dagger coated in glass shards driven straight into his heart and yanked out slowly to maximize the excruciating pain. 

It was like a deep fog surrounded them. Neither could see a way forward. Neither dared to speak. Or look at the other. She had crossed a line. Maybe unintentionally, but she had done it. 

Jay bit his teeth together so hard that he was two seconds from shattering his jaw. “Jay?” Hailey tried with a teary voice. He almost felt bad for her. Almost. He took a deep breath and turned to face her. 

“You really want to know, huh? Fine. I took my chances and attacked him. We fought. I asked him to, no, begged him to kill me. But he wouldn’t.” 

Jay didn’t stick around to witness the fallout. He placed the mug on the floor, hurriedly transferred himself from the couch to his wheelchair and took off, leaving behind a horrified Hailey. 

She sat there for a better part of an hour before she was ready to go after him. She hadn’t heard the door opening, so he was still in the apartment somewhere. 

She shouldn’t have asked. The naive part in her thought that she needed all the facts in order to help him move forward. But this? Something within her shifted out of alignment, and she didn’t know how to fix it. 

She felt like Bambi on ice when she stood up from the couch. It took her a second to find her balance. She had no idea what she would say to Jay once she found him. She’d figure it out.

He was in the bedroom, but the door was open this time. A hopeful sign that maybe Jay wasn’t too upset with her. She knocked on the doorframe before entering. He was laying on his side, facing away from her. 

“I’m sorry. I should have listened to you. I’m sorry I pushed you,” she whispered as she approached him. He let out a huff of air to let her know that he had heard her. She took a seat on the bed but kept her distance. “Can you please look at me?” she pleaded, tears still trickling down her cheeks. 

She was just about to give up on her request when Jay shifted. He grunted while rolling over to face her, and Hailey felt bad again for causing him pain. 

“I guess we would have had the conversation eventually,” Jay’s tone was distant. She didn’t know how to fix this. “But I didn’t need to push you so hard so soon. Please forgive me,” Hailey said and wiped away some of the tears. “You’re right, it doesn’t change anything. I don’t care if you killed him or not. All I care about is you. You and me. Together.” 

Jay considered her words silently. She seemed genuine this time. Remorseful. He sighed for the umpteenth time that day. “I love you too,” he eventually said. He wasn’t sure if he would ever tell her the truth about Mendoza. How it all ended. But today wasn’t that day. “Let’s just forget about it. It’s fine. After the holidays I’m back on my regular schedule at Med. I promise I’ll get better,” Jay vowed and hesitated for a moment before offering his hand to her. She held her tongue, accepting the fact that she wouldn’t learn Mendoza’s fate today. Instead, she grabbed Jay’s arm and let him pull her closer. She carefully snuggled against his chest, consciously holding her weight from his chest. 

“We’ll be alright. Won’t we?” she tilted her head to look at his face and waited for an answer. He looked down at her, doubt licking the edges of his mind. He bowed his head and planted a kiss on her head. “Yeah. I think so.”

— — — — 

25th of December, Trudy’s apartment, midday

“Maybe this was too soon? I’m sure they’ll understand if we just go back to your place,” Hailey fussed around Jay who was sitting in his chair. They had just parked Hailey’s car, and had managed to manhandle Jay into the wheelchair. He was sweaty, out of breath, and more uncomfortable than he cared to admit. “No. We came this far already. Trudy and Hank’s waiting, come on,” Jay insisted and waited for Hailey to push him forward. He was able to wheel himself indoors where there wasn’t a crap ton of snow everywhere, but outside, with his busted hand, he relied on Hailey for help. “Fine, but the moment you get too uncomfortable you tell me. I have your painkillers with me,” she said and grabbed the handles on Jay’s chair. 

“At least the elevator is working now,” Jay commented when they had miraculously gotten into the building. The heavy snow had caused some blackouts throughout the city, and the elevator in Trudy’s building hadn’t been functional for a few days. Jay had lost track of how many days it had snowed in a row. At least four, he thought. “Good because I would have not carried you up all the way,” Hailey quipped and pressed the button to Trudy’s floor. The desk sergeant had insisted on hosting them for Christmas lunch, and Jay hadn’t been able to tell her no. 

Things were by no means back to normal between Hailey and Jay. They might have cuddled for one night, but Jay was still distant and not completely present most of the time. He had finally managed to wash his hair with Hailey standing in the hall while they kept the bathroom door open. It had been a painful process but at least no one ended up on the floor in tears. Small victories. 

“I’m sorry I talked you into this,” Hailey said when they approached Trudy’s flat. She had become quite protective of him over the last couple of weeks. She’d scared everyone away that dared to try and visit Jay. She’d even told Will to piss off until Jay wanted to call him. The Halstead brother wasn’t pleased to be kept from his family but respected Hailey’s word when Jay backed it up. 

“It’s fine. I don’t mind Trudy. Or Hank,” Jay reassured her with a small smile. He hadn’t seen either of them in person yet. He hadn’t seen anyone. Besides Hailey, Kenny and his medical team at Med. Most days he’d been stuck in his own world, only persuaded out by Hailey when it was time for his meds or food. He hadn’t started his physical therapy home routine yet, and more often than not he skipped his breathing exercises he was supposed to do to help his body adapt to its new norm of missing a section of a lung. He wanted to care, but found it too exhausting most days. So he did the bare minimum; eat, drink, sleep. Take meds when Hailey insists. Let Hailey check his incisions, take his temperature and oxygen level once a day. Sleep some more, stare out the window. He’d get through it eventually. He always did. Right? 

“Come on, let’s get this over with,” Jay wheeled himself forward and rang the doorbell. He put on his best pretend smile, and sighed. It was going to be fine.

Lunch was great as usual when it was Trudy that did the cooking. Jay’s appetite wasn’t back to normal so he stuck to light meals and nibbled on most of the food on his plate rather than finishing it. 

Hank and Trudy were great. They didn’t fuss or make it a big deal. Neither had insisted on hugging him when they finally saw each other after months apart. He suspected that Hailey had something to do with it, but he didn’t mind.

“Let’s wait a moment before desserts. I’m stuffed,” Trudy said as she pushed her empty plate away from her. A hum of agreement came from the crowd. Jay hummed too, not all that interested in sweet treats. He hadn’t found a moment to discreetly ask Hailey for the painkillers, and the discomfort had been building up for a while now. His head had started throbbing about ten minutes into the lunch, and the ache in his chest had been there since this morning.

He finally got his chance when Hank and Trudy gathered up the dirty dishes and bickered their way into the kitchen to hand wash them. They were some sort of old China that couldn’t be washed in the machine, and Hank was frustrated by the fact.

“How bad is it?” Hailey said when the elder duo was out of earshot. “That obvious, huh?” Jay replied with a nervous laugh that he regretted immediately. The chuckles bounced from one rib to the next, making his entire rib cage shake. “To me, yes. I don’t know about them. Maybe they think you’re in this much pain all the time,” Hailey said and reached for her purse. She glanced at the kitchen where the cacophony of plates and forks clattering was in full swing. She held out her hand for Jay, two pills waiting. Jay didn’t have any water left so he swallowed them dry. 

“I could have fetched you some water. Nothing suspicious about hydration,” Hailey rolled her eyes and grimaced at the thought of taking pills without water. Yuck, no thanks. “Didn’t want to wait any longer,” Jay admitted with a low voice. He knew it was stupid to wait this long, he was only biting his own foot. “You know they wouldn’t have said anything,” Hailey scolded him one last time before dropping the subject. 

“Thanks,” Jay said with a lopsided smile and reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. They’d be alright. 

— — — —

31st of December, Hailey’s apartment, 11.44 pm

Jay laughed carefully, and smiled when it didn’t cause him noticeable discomfort. He’d missed Kevin and Adam’s stupid jokes. The guys were all squeezed together on Hailey’s couch, Dante and Hank included. Hailey was in the kitchen with Trudy and Kim. 

“I think now’s the perfect time for me to take your passport. Where is it?” Adam quipped and dramatically turned his head around like an owl scanning the apartment. Jay shook his head and wished he could reach Adam from his spot to smack him. “It’s at mine you idiot,” he replied and rolled his eyes. Adam stopped rolling his head around, and looked at Jay with a confused look. “Wait, I thought you were staying here?” he asked. 

Jay let his eyes land on Hailey for a brief moment before looking back at Adam. He wasn’t sure what Hailey had told them, and he hoped that he didn’t say something wrong. “This place isn’t really a good fit for my chair,” Jay replied and observed Adam’s reaction. He was slightly drunk so maybe he wasn’t paying that much attention. “Oh. I get it. But you’ll move in with her here eventually right?” Adam continued.  He was in a giddy mood, and he’d really missed talking shit with Halstead. 

Truth be told, Jay hadn’t considered moving in with Hailey, not even before he left for Bolivia. He liked the ability to retreat into his own place in case he ever needed some solitude, and Hailey’s didn’t have a garden. And Jay had a feeling he would need his own space soon enough.

His therapy sessions with doctor Fischer started in a couple of days. He was also supposed to have regular meetings with Owens and Garcia. Garcia wasn’t surprising as Jay was about to have a new prosthetic and he needed some assistance getting reacquainted with actually walking again. Owens, Jay’s original physiatrist - or pain doc as Jay so fondly described him - was an unwelcome but necessary addition to Jay’s weekly routine. Jay had made plans to contact Tony, his swim coach, and get started on some swimming lessons again as well. He needed to find his new limits again now that he wasn’t only missing a leg but also a good chunk of his lung. Adam was right, he was making good progress on becoming the live action version of Robocop.

“We’re solid just like this, with two apartments,” Jay hoped his answer would satisfy Adam as he really didn’t know what else to say. Hank had been observing the conversation silently for a while now, and decided to come to Jay’s rescue. “Adam, help me out with the bottles. We need a new round,” Hank ordered and stood up, grabbing as many empty beer bottles as he could. Adam grumbled but obeyed. 

“Don’t mind him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about,” Kevin said and patted his shoulder when the two men were out of earshot. “I’m sure you have enough on your plate without Adam adding any to it.” Jay smiled tightly. You have no idea. 

11.54pm

Why did he think this was a good idea? Oh that’s right. He didn’t think. Because he should have realized that watching the fireworks with a room full of people wasn’t something he was in the right headspace for. And yet, here he was. Staring out the large windows of Hailey’s apartment, surrounded by people who loved him. 

“Come on, let’s go to my room,” Hailey appeared from thin air and whispered to his ear, giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He didn’t need to be asked twice. Adam was too busy talking with Kim to make any snarky comments about Jay leaving with Hailey. 

Her room was quieter, darker. The curtains were pulled to cover the windows. Not that they did anything to block the sounds. 

“I’m sorry I made you come. I didn’t think. I guess I just, wanted us to have one normal day,” she admitted as she closed the door behind her. Jay couldn’t even be mad at that. He understood. “That’s all I ever wanted for us too. For things to be normal again,” he replied and tried to smile a bit. He was unsuccessful. Hailey closed the gap between them, and knelt down in front of him. He was tired of her having to do that to get to his eye level. He couldn’t wait to stand and walk again. 

“What can I do?” Hailey asked with soft eyes. In truth, there wasn’t much she could do. Hit him on the head with a frying pan, maybe? Probably not smart with his impressive collection of concussions over the years. “Just… be with me?” Jay tried. He didn’t know what else to say. “You never have to ask. I’m not going anywhere,” Hailey replied and reached for his face. He leaned forward, and let her run her fingers through his hair. It was an awkward angle, one that made his chest moan in protest, but for once he didn’t care. 

Hailey stood up, gently pushing Jay back in his chair. She got as close as she could, and opened her arms, inviting Jay to lean closer. Jay absentmindedly locked the wheels on his chair and leaned forward, pressing against Hailey’s stomach. She smelled so good. Familiar, nostalgic in a way he couldn’t name. She closed her arms around him, and started rubbing circles on his back. “I’m not going anywhere,” she repeated to him, and counted the seconds in her head. Less than fifteen left. 

Jay’s eyes were closed. Mostly out of fear, dread, too afraid to face the upcoming doom. But Hailey’s touch was a comfort that was just enough to help ground him. You got this, Halstead, he thought to himself as he took a deep breath.

The world outside erupted.

It took everything in Hailey to keep standing. Her soft murmurs of comforting words didn’t seem to help him much, but they didn’t hurt either. So she kept on whispering reassurances to him as her hands started to ache from the constant circles she was drawing against his back. 

He was shaking worse than she’d seen before. It broke her heart in a way that couldn’t be put into words. She had to be his rock, an anchor that prevented him from slipping away in the storming waters. She could hear his quiet sobs and whimpers as his body jerked each time a firework went off. “We’re alright, you’re alright,” she muttered and leaned over to kiss the top of his head. It didn’t help, but it was all she knew to do. 

—

“Do you think they’re okay?” Trudy asked Hank as she eyed the door to Hailey’s room. She had noticed the young couple disappear almost an hour ago now, and they still weren’t back. The others had surely noticed it too, but were too buzzed on alcohol and excitement for the new year to do anything about it. But Trudy, she wasn’t much of a drinker, and she hated the loud celebrations of the new year, so she didn’t have anything to be buzzed over. 

“I honestly don’t know, Trudy,” Hank replied in his growling tone. He sounded sadder than usual. He was worried too. “I don’t want to go and disturb them, but maybe we should kick these lot out of here,” Trudy continued and nudged her head towards the drunken group of detectives that were loudly having a conversation about the best firework they’d seen tonight. Hank hummed and nodded. “Yeah. I’ll call them a cab,” he agreed and took a few steps to the side to pull out his phone and make the call. 

“Okay, kids. Party’s over. Start gathering your things,” Trudy announced loudly and clapped her hands for good measure. It was like a bunch of teenagers in there as she was met with a chorus of groans and whines. “Oh stop it. You can go and find a bar somewhere,” she rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, and watched as they struggled to gather their things and put their jackets on. 

“There’s a taxi waiting for you downstairs, it’ll take you wherever,” Hank said and held the door open for his detectives. Each muttered a form of goodbye and a wish of a happy new year, and Hank grunted his response each time. Dante was the last one through the door, and Hank practically smacked the door shut on him. “Good riddance,” he muttered under his breath. 

“That’s uncalled for. They’re just drunk,” Trudy scolded him. Hank grunted again but had half a brain to look apologetic. “Should we go as well?” he added and looked around. The flat was in a bit of a state, but nothing Hank would feel sorry for leaving be.  “We can at least collect the empty bottles. Since neither of them touched a drink all night,” Trudy suggested and went to fetch a bag from the kitchen. Hank stifled a groan, and moved back to the living room to start tidying up. 

— 

Her lower back was aching. She needed to move soon, her feet were killing her. She’d lost track of time a long time ago. She had stopped with the circles at least thirty minutes ago, and was thankful that Jay didn’t react badly when she stopped. 

Just when she thought she would have to be the one to pull back, Jay shifted. She was maybe a bit too fast to loosen her arms around him, but she was so damn uncomfortable that she had no choice. As Jay pulled back, Hailey glanced at her shirt. Most of it was damp, Jay’d been crying silently against her stomach for hours. A small part in her wanted to grimace at the sight. It was one of her favorite shirts. But the reasonable part of her was stronger. It was just tears. And maybe some drool, or snot. Whatever. That’s what the washing machine was for. 

Hailey tried to be discreet when she stretched her aching limbs and wiggled her legs to get the blood circulating better again. “I’m sorry,” Jay spoke quietly, voice rough from the prolonged crying. Hailey cringed inwardly, she should have been smoother with it. “Hey. None of that, it’s okay,” her voice cracked halfway through the sentence. She cleared her dry throat. Gods, she needed a drink. 

Jay raised his head, and Hailey got a chance to look at him. Really, look and observe his face. He was slightly too pale for her liking. His skin was red and shimmery, and not just from the tears. He’d been sweating a lot as well. The bags under his eyes were more defined than before, and he looked exhausted. Completely drained, physically, emotionally. 

“Why don’t you go and lie down for a while, okay? I’ll be right back, unless you need a hand,” Hailey suggested with a softer voice. She smacked her lips and swallowed, trying to summon some extra saliva to help with the Sahara level dryness in her mouth. 

“I got it. Thanks,” his reply was quiet. Defeated. Hailey decided to give him some privacy and left the room. 

Okay. Maybe he didn’t “got it” after all. He’d made it to the edge of Hailey’s bed, locked the wheels but couldn’t get any further. He couldn’t use both of his hands yet to hoist himself onto the bed, and he was surprised to find himself so out of energy that he couldn’t even stand up properly. I can’t just sit here and wait for her to come back, Jay thought. He was so, so very tired of being so reliant on her. 

It had only been a few weeks since he broke his hand, so putting his full weight on it was a stupid idea. But if you got a hold of his passport like Adam planned on, you would see that his full name was in fact Jason Stupid Ideas Expert Halstead. And so here he was, doing his best to keep as much of his weight on his better hand as he miraculously managed to move himself onto the bed without A) falling down or B) screaming in agony as his wrist felt like it was about to snap in half. 

“Still got it..,” Jay muttered, out of breath. He had to close his eyes when his vision swam and swirled. He cradled his casted arm against his chest and held his other hand protectively around it. Man, that was stupid. He should probably ask for an ice pack, but that could make Hailey suspicious. He hadn’t used ice or heat packs in a while now… Hmh, decisions, decisions. 

Jay opened his eyes into tiny slits when he heard Hailey’s steps approaching. He squinted when he saw what she was carrying; an ice pack. 

“I thought you could use this,” she said with a playful smile and placed the ice pack on his injured arm. How? Jay couldn’t wrap his head around it. How’d she know? The curiosity was eating him from the inside, gnawing on his rib cage, having a feast on his insides. But asking would be admitting that he’d done something to aggravate the break.

“Thanks,” he ended up saying. He had his secrets, he would let her have hers too. 

“I’ve got your meds here. I thought you could take the stronger dose, just today, right? It’s been a long day,” Hailey suggested and held out her cupped hand. Jay’s fragile masculinity tried to raise its head and decline the meds that were guaranteed to knock him out for the whole night. But he just wanted to sleep. “Thanks,” Jay said again, suddenly very aware of how tired he truly was. He popped the handful of pills into his mouth, and accepted the water bottle Hailey offered. The cold liquid was soothing against his throat. 

She was still holding something for him to take. Jay blinked to force his eyes to focus. A fruit cup. “Just something light, I know you haven’t eaten in a while,” she smiled and placed the cup on his lap, not giving him the opportunity to decline. He was hungry. He just was unsure if he felt like eating anything. “Have at least a few bites,” Hailey coaxed and placed something else on his lap. A granola bar. “I’ll just go and brush my teeth, I’ll be right back,” she added and gave him some privacy. 

Jay knew he would feel like shit in the morning if he didn’t eat anything, so he forced himself to eat half of the sawdust-like granola bar and picked out his favorite fruits from the cup. He left more than half uneaten, he just couldn’t stomach any more.

He felt hollow on the inside. Hailey wasn’t back yet, he needed to take off some of the layers he was wearing, and he needed to take a leak. Fuuck me, Jay grumbled and sunk into the pillows. He stared at the ceiling with unfocused eyes. 

He used to like fireworks. He wasn’t, like an enthusiastic lover of them or anything, but it was a nice little activity for the Fourth of July and New Year’s. They were pretty enough to look at. And now they were a remainder of some of his worst days on this planet. 

He wished he felt angry. Full of rage, something primal. Mendoza had taken so much from him, he felt like he had nothing left. Even his anger, fire, passion, it was all gone. He’d managed to crawl his way back to something resembling a life worth living after losing his leg. But now, he felt like he was drowning most of the time. Sure, he still had a long road ahead before he could even begin to see any progress with his recovery. Sure, he’d had to adapt before, leave behind certain parts of his past life. But what did he have left to give away anymore? Life with busted lungs was looking worse and worse the longer he lived in it. 

“What’s going on in that handsome head of yours?” Hailey’s words were playful, almost flirty. Jay wished that he had the energy or desire to match her mood. He didn’t. “Just thinking,” he managed to reply. His focus was still on the ceiling. She hummed softly, and seemed unsure about what to do next. 

His bladder would need relieving soon. But he could wait a few extra minutes. He willed himself to focus on Hailey. She was standing a few feet from the bed, wearing an oversized flannel with its buttons undone. She looked good. No, great. “Could you… lay with me for a while? Please?” Jay asked. She didn’t say anything, but instead closed the distance between them. She crawled across the bed, and gently, softly like a fairy made of clouds and stardust, snuggled herself against his side. Her head fit into the nook of his neck perfectly. Like a moulded match just for the two of them. “Is this okay?” she asked, hand resting on his heart. 

He was starting to feel the pull of the meds, tugging at his fingertips, whispering into his ear. Sleep, Jay, sleep. “Yeah. It’s perfect,” he mumbled and nuzzled his head against hers. They’d be alright. 

— — — — 

Valentine’s day, Jay’s apartment, 2025

Jay was a bit unsteady on his feet as he walked to open the door. He was more excited than he had been in a while. It had been months since he had seen Jack Eastwood in person. Once Jay had been released from the hospital, he and Jack had been texting several times a week. He hadn’t even been talking with the guys from his unit as much. 

Hailey had been slightly disappointed to find out that the only day Jack could come and visit was Valentine’s day. She had hoped to spend a lowkey, casual day with him, nothing fancy or that special, but she couldn’t take this from Jay. On Jay’s best days his company was somewhat easy to tolerate. On his worst, you’d be smart to stay out of his sight. And recently he’d had more bad ones than good. So seeing Jack was one of the few things Hailey hadn’t tried yet. She was barely holding on, and desperate for a solution.

Jay’s smile was more genuine than it had been in a long time when he opened the door to let Jack in. “Took you long enough,” Jack grinned and gave Jay a quick bear hug before entering the apartment. Jay rolled his eyes with a smirk. “Oh I’m sorry. You learn to walk again and see how it is,” he used one hand against the wall to steady himself as he waited for Jack to kick off his snowy boots. 

Jack let him lead the way to the kitchen, and watched Jay turn on the coffee. The duo took a seat while they waited for their drinks. 

“It’s good to see you up and walking, man,” Jack said after an almost awkward silence. Jay smiled shyly. It hadn’t been more than a couple of weeks since he got his new prosthetic. It was similar to his last one, only with an upgraded ankle joint. He straightened his leg to show it off. “Thanks, man. It’s been slow going but I’m getting there,” Jay said and gave his thigh a firm pat. “How about you, still no missing body parts?” Jay teased. It was their stupid inside joke. There wasn’t even any proper context to it. It was just something they’d try and slide into a conversation whenever they chatted. 

“You know me, no one wants a piece of this. You however, are hot goods, Halstead,” Jack teased back, and erupted in laughter when Jay tried to look insulted. “Alright now, don’t push your limits only a few minutes in,” he said to Jack and stood up to get their coffees. 

“No missus Halstead? Where are you hiding her? I was excited to meet her after all the drooling and heart eyes from you,” Jack leaned closer to Jay and lowered his voice, just in case Hailey was somewhere in the apartment. Jay’s cheeks got a nice coat of red. “No, umm, she wanted to give us some privacy,” Jay said with a shy smile. Of course he had been gushing over Hailey being the best girlfriend and a human being ever. Being called out for it made his heart blush. 

“Privacy for what?” Jack teased and wiggled his eyebrows. Jay groaned loudly and smacked Jack’s hand from across the table. “I need to introduce you to Adam, my old coworker from the intelligence unit. You two are made for each other,” Jay shook his head and took a large gulp of his coffee. 

“Oh you know I don’t play well with others. And stop trying to change the topic. You two aren’t having any problems, are you?” Jack asked with actual, genuine worry in his voice. Jay rolled his eyes, amused yet slightly annoyed. “Come on, it’s nothing like that. She just thought that we would rather talk without having to worry about her eavesdropping,” Jay explained with a huff. He really thought Jack would get it. 

Slowly, Jack’s expression changed from confusion to understanding. “Oohhh. She thinks we have nothing else to talk about besides Bolivia. Or wait. Does she, you haven’t told her, have you?” the gears in Jack’s head were turning at full speed. “No? Why the hell would you even say that?” Jay scoffed, insulted by even the idea of telling her. He crossed his arms and eyed Jack with cold eyes. The other man raised his hands in surrender. “Oo-kay, I see you still have some work to do in therapy,” Jack’s self preservation skills were amazingly nonexistent. 

Jay didn’t even know how to reply to that. His mouth opened and closed while he was trying to figure out a decent reply. “God, you’re such a dick,” was the best he could come up with. Jack had the audacity to laugh at him. “People keep telling me that,” he smirked and waited for Jay’s reaction. 

Jay knew exactly what Jack was doing. And he was falling for it. “No, please, I’d love to hear your thoughts. How will me telling Hailey what happened help me, her, or us?” Jay leaned forward, propping his elbows on the table. Jack leaned back and kept smiling. “We’ve been over this. The truth will set you free!” Jay scoffed at the words. “I don’t need to be set free, I am free,” he insisted but looked away. Because he wasn’t.

“Oh really? I know I’m not. Almost every night I find myself stuck in those tunnels, half buried under rubble, gasping for air. Thinking I’d die all alone like a pathetic bug squished under someone’s shoe.  Jay, you’re my friend and I can’t sit here and watch you lie through your teeth. Come on man, don’t disrespect me like that,” Jack’s smile had faded, but his words were kind.

He was being chased, again. The mountain walls were closing in from every direction. The fox had been outsmarted. Path to his escape was nonexistent. “She says she doesn’t care what happened, that she’d love me either way,” Jay muttered thoughtfully. He hadn’t made it this far in therapy yet, he had a lot of new issues to work through and it had only been a bit over a month. Hailey hadn’t come up more than half a dozen times, if that. “And you don’t think she means that. Because why would anyone look at us the same if they knew how much blood was on our hands?” Jack hit the nail with his words. Jay could only nod, because that’s exactly his point. Why would she love him if she knew? 

“Are you still single?” Jay ended up asking. Jack shifted in his seat, and nodded. “Because who would want you if they knew, right?” Jay said with a sad voice. “Mmh, right,” Jack hummed in agreement. His coffee had gone cold. 

— — — —

4th of July, Jay’s apartment 

Jay looked at the awaiting ribbon rack on his desk. This year, there were no additions to it. And this year, there was no call from Will to persuade him to wear them to the park.

The Halstead brothers were in this weird state of “things are good but they’re not at all”. Will had visited him in late February, only for the weekend, and Jay had promised to visit him when he was feeling better. He hadn’t yet. Because he didn’t. Feel better. Not enough. He felt sadness that he hadn’t met his niece in person yet but she was a big reason why he wanted to be extra sure he was in a good mental space before visiting. Jay would never forgive himself if he accidentally did… something to scare her, or worse, hurt her. He shook his head rapidly to make the thought go away. 

“Hey. Did you pick out a shirt yet?” Hailey entered the bedroom with a smile. Jay turned around to greet her, but froze. The sundress she was wearing was stunning. The base of the dress was a soft, pastel yellow. A delicate floral pattern decorated the fabric just the correct amount without making it seem cluttered. They had been spending lots of time in the sun together, so Hailey’s curls were even more sun-bleached than normal. A lovestruck smile slowly crept up on Jay’s lips, and his eyes softened, the stress of the ribbons forgotten in an instant. 

“What?” Hailey asked innocently, blush forming on her cheeks. Jay licked his lips. He and her hadn’t, you know, done it since he’d been back. It was a mutual decision, although Jay was the one to originally propose it. He’d struggled so much with any sort of physical contact, and being vulnerable wasn’t something he was particularly comfortable with even several months later. But that dress, the tiny little heels she was wearing, the way her hair framed her jawline… Jay was lovestruck like never before. 

“You’ll be the death of me, Hailey Upton,” Jay said with a voice full of lust. Damn, when did it get so hot in here..? Hailey smiled playfully and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. “Down, soldier. We already have plans with the unit, remember?” she took a few steps back, and winked at him. Jay swallowed slowly and tried to think about sad things. Or dead things. Yeah, he could do dead and sad. “Umm. The shirt. Yeah. It’s right over there,” Jay struggled with his words while his mind was still in the gutter. Hailey looked around the room, and saw a pale colored shirt hanging from the door. Freshly ironed, of course. She grabbed the hanger and removed the shirt from it, holding it in front of Jay. Jay unzipped his thin hoodie and shook it off, tossing it to the bed. He took the shirt from Hailey and mouthed her thanks. 

Secretly, she cherished these moments more than she probably should. The thing was, Jay was still - understandably - extremely conscious. About everything. Including his body, and the large addition of scars he now had. The procedure to remove a section of his lung and stabilize the broken ribs had been an invasive one, and the scars of it were a major reminder of what he had lost. Hailey could count the times she’d seen Jay without a shirt since December with all her fingers and toes. If you didn’t count the times she had to help him with the bandages. Those were different, they weren’t intimate, or casual. It was necessary from a medical perspective, right. 

Jay used to say that sleeping with a shirt on was too constricting for him. Nowadays you wouldn’t catch him without one even if he hadn’t done laundry in weeks. He almost always got dressed in the bathroom after the showers, while Hailey waited in the bedroom for her turn, instead of sharing and saving water. And again, Hailey wasn’t upset or thinking that he was overreacting. He wasn’t, not at all. Hailey simply missed his body. He was still just as handsome in her eyes as he’d always been. Maybe even better. 

She resisted the urge to go “awwh” when Jay finished buttoning his shirt. Hailey smiled at the sight; his hand had healed perfectly just like lieutenant Perth had promised. No nerve damage or difficulties with fine motor skills. Just a couple more scars to the collection. “How do I look?” Jay asked and topped it off by doing a little 360 for her to view the entire outfit. 

Maroon was a good color on him, Hailey concluded. The ribbon rack was positioned perfectly, and Hailey felt both pride and sorrow when she glanced at the chest candy. Such large sacrifices, such tiny rewards. “You look perfect,” Hailey smiled and hurriedly wiped a single tear from her eye.

Jay’s face fell, and he took a step closer. His old prosthetic used to sometimes make a creaking sound when Jay started walking after standing still for a noticeable moment. This one was silent, smooth. Not as noticeable in some ways.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, hands hovering a few inches away from her, unsure whether his touch was welcome or not. Hailey shook her head and smiled more widely. “Nothing. I’m just happy seeing you like this,” she said with a sniffle and snuggled against his chest. She inhaled his scent deeply, and sighed. He smelled like home. Uncertainty dangled in Jay’s mind for a split second before he wrapped her arms around her, tightly, never wanting to let go. He’d wasted so much time, and there was still so much to do before he would be okay. But he’d get there. 

“Like what?” Jay eventually asked and pulled back. While he loved cuddles with her, his shirt would get wrinkled even before he had a chance to leave the building. Hailey’s pout was almost good enough to make Jay fold and embrace her again. Almost. 

“Like you’re happy again.” 

Jay considered her words. Yeah. He supposed he was. He’d been seeing doctor Fischer twice a week since February, and a psychiatrist specializing in war trauma once a week. Jay’d be slightly concerned if he wasn’t feeling better by this point. 

His weeks were still intense, dictated by a strict schedule. Monday, Wednesday and Saturday were his mental health days. Tuesdays were for physical therapy at Med, led by a trainer. Thursdays Jay had either swim lessons or an aerobics class; odd weeks were for swimming, even aerobics. On Fridays Jay did whatever he felt like. A walk around the neighborhood, yard work in the garden, a visit to the precinct or Kelly’s firehouse… On Sundays he’d sleep in, and do absolutely nothing. He’d only do his bare minimum stretches and breathing exercises, and that was it. 

Such a busy schedule might have sounded exhausting and too much, but Jay thrived on having something to do, having a certain thing to look forward to every day. Doctor Fischer had shook her head one time when Jay had said that if he was busy going from one place to the next, then he wouldn’t have time to feel sad or depressed. 

Jay hummed, and concluded his thinking. “We should get going,” his reply didn’t seem to please her, yet she held her tongue. She waited for Jay to exit the bedroom before she let out a sigh. 

— — 

Parking lot near the park, 1.50pm

Jay insisted on parking in the disabled zone. He had very few benefits from missing a leg and a lung, and he damn sure would get every ounce he could get. The distance from Jay’s apartment to the park would have been a reasonable walking distance for someone who had normal working lungs. Unfortunately for Jay, his would never reach normal levels again. No matter how hard he trained and exercised. 

Stepping out of the car and into the scorching heat of the Chicago sun, Jay observed the surroundings. It was much like last year. The disabled parking zone was crowded like it had been then too. The park was buzzing with life; families, friends, strangers getting acquainted with each other. It was all quite overwhelming, like it had been before too. 

Hailey had walked around the car, and stood next to him, waiting, watching him check the surroundings. She was still so patient and understanding with him. One day he’d ask her how she did it. And maybe, just maybe, one day he felt like he almost deserved her. 

The couple navigated through the crowds with little difficulty, everyone seemed to be in a good and polite mood, so people moved to the side to let them pass whenever they ran into a larger group chit chatting in the middle of the path. The stares and curious looks were there too, much like last year. Hailey’s tight hold on his hand helped him ignore them. 

It seemed to be a new forming tradition that whoever Jay was with would arrive last. The rest of the intelligence unit - and Trudy of course - was already at their favoured spot, blankets spread on the grass, baskets and coolers scattered around to give everyone access to at least some treats without having to get up and fetch them. 

“Heey, there you are! We were starting to get worried that you two had forgotten about us,” Adam, of course the first one to notice them, yelled loudly and a family nearby turned to look in their direction. Jay bowed his head in embarrassment, and Hailey had to resist the urge to flip him off. There were kids around after all. 

“Young love, you should know how it is,” Dante quipped and winked at Kim. “Heey, leave her out of this,” Adam’s cheeks turned red and he scrunched up a napkin and threw it at Dante. It missed by a great deal. “Ruzek, remind me to never let you throw a flash bang,” Hank grumbled and shook his head. Pathetic, Hank would have to try his hardest to miss from such close proximity. The others laughed at Adam’s dumbfounded look. 

Jay and Hailey settled down next to Dante, and the men bumped fists. “Hey man, good to see you,” Jay said as he reached for a beer. One shouldn’t interfere with his medication too much. He’d double checked, just last week. 

Yeah, that was something he was doing now. Medication for his… post traumatic stress. It felt odd to admit that, even now. He’d always known, deep down, that he probably should have seeked actual medication sooner, but a part of him was ashamed. Still was. The sensible part in him knew that there was nothing to be ashamed of. He was still a valid person, and a simple diagnosis didn’t invalidate him or his value as a human being. Hailey knew, of course. And Hank and Trudy too. But no one else. Because it didn’t concern them. 

Hailey observed Jay’s thoughtful expression. She was about to reach for his hand to make sure he was okay when he blinked, shook his head gently and started a quiet conversation with Dante. 

It was an unexpected friendship, Jay and Dante. They’d been friends before, but Jay’s departure strained their relationship unlike any other. Last year hadn’t given Hailey any hope that they’d ever salvage their friendship. And then she’d learned that they had been texting and gotten over their feelings. Positive surprises for once. 

“I heard you made a pretty impressive sprint last night. Nice work, man,” Jay said and gave Dante’s shoulder a brotherly shove of approval. Dante smiled brightly and dove into a detailed description of yesterday’s events. Hailey had been there to witness it all so she decided to distance herself from the conversation, and joined Kevin and Trudy’s conversation about nothing in particular. On occasion, she’d glance back at Jay to make sure he was still doing okay, just to be sure. He seemed fine, maybe a bit too aware of his surroundings but all in all, he seemed relaxed and comfortable enough despite the loud and busy atmosphere. 

A few hours and half a dozen hot dogs later, Jay was feeling ready to leave. Makayla had managed to lure him into throwing a frisbee with her, and while he had an absolute blast, it had worn him out more than he wanted to admit to the young lady. 

Jay sat in the shade, leaning against the tree’s smooth trunk. The lightheadedness was still lingering, and he didn’t want to draw too much attention. Hailey seemed to be really enjoying herself. He could stick it out for a while longer. 

Hank had taken a bathroom break earlier, and returned to take a seat next to Jay in the shade. “Hey, son,” he said casually and wiped his brow. It was unusually hot for the season. It seemed to be like that most summers now. Jay opened his eyes that he hadn’t meant to close, and smiled at him. “Having fun?” Hank asked, knowingly. Jay hummed. “Too much I guess,” he replied with a huffy laugh. Hank reached for a water bottle, and twisted its cap off. “Here. You’re probably dehydrated too after all the running with the kid,” he said and held the bottle for him. Jay rolled his eyes at him but took the bottle nonetheless. “Yes, father..,” he muttered before taking a sip of the cool drink. A fond smile spread over Hank’s face. It was mostly a jab from Jay, but also a slight peek at how they viewed each other. Hank ruffled Jay’s hair, and stood up to dodge Jay’s fist. “Hey! Now it’s all messed up,” Jay grumbled and did his best to fix his hair with one hand, water bottle still in the other. Hank barked out his grumbling laugh, and walked off with a warm feeling in his chest. He’d loved being a dad to Justin, despite everything. And while he hadn’t stopped being a dad after his death, he felt joy in having Jay in his life. 

Another hour later, a giggling Hailey sat down next to Jay. He was honestly happy to endure some extra discomfort for Hailey’s sake. It wasn’t even that bad. Like Hank had said, dehydration had made him feel worse than he actually was. And taking it easy in the shade had made the lightheadedness go away.  

“I love seeing you like this,” Jay said and smiled. Hailey’s head tilted to one side. “Like what?” “Happy.” Jay’s words made her smile softly. “And you?” she asked and leaned against his side, prompting Jay to wrap his arm around her loosely. He contemplated the question.

His eyes scanned the park, landing on his team; family. He watched as Dante and Makayla were throwing the frisbee to one another. How she still had the energy, Jay didn’t know. Kim, Adam and Kevin were grabbing the last of the hotdogs. Kevin seemed to be ready to wrestle Adam for the last one. While the boys were too busy bickering with each other, Kim sneakily grabbed the last one, and snuck away shaking her head in amusement. Hank and Trudy were sitting alone on one of the blankets, deep in conversation. Hank’s eyes were firmly set on her, fully focused on whatever she was saying. Trudy gestured with her hands as she spoke, clearly passionate. 

Jay felt a small ache in his heart for the people who weren’t present. Will and his family. Mouse. Green and the rest of the unit. Dawson. Al. The list was getting unbearably long. 

“Hey, you okay?” Hailey nudged Jay’s arm, tiniest hint of worry creeping into her face. Jay willed away the feelings of loss and longing. He looked at Hailey, and a warm smile spread on his face. Her skin was glistening even in the shade, pillars of sunlight shining through the leafy canopy. In that moment, Jayb felt like the luckiest man in the world.

“Yeah. I’m good.”