Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was near evening when Alfred, situated on the kitchen island surrounded by books and papers he couldn't be bothered studying, was granted that exact wish with a distracting notification coming through his phone.

Okay, it would be a lie to imply that he had been studying before and only became distracted then. Truthfully, he had been distracted hours ago Francis let himself in and announced that because Alfred's oven was apparently superior, he just had to do all his cooking here. Which of course led to distraction. A welcomed one at that. Then an unwelcome one when Arthur came in and got irritated at all the bowls of yeast left to rise in every single window of the house. Apparently, it had a smell? Alfred wouldn't know, he's desensitised to it now and Arthur should be too. Francis basically ran a bakery out of their kitchen and the smell had to be ingrained into the walls at this point.

But onto the current distraction: the notification. 

It was one from Antonio, a text reading:
We'll be there in 5

Not much more needed to be said. Alfred knew who 'we' was.

Alfred let Francis know, who perked up when he heard who their expecting company was. This wasn't unusual. Since Francis was almost always here, his 'brothers from other mothers' often came by, making Alfred's house the place to be.

Alfred was never upset by this because he loved their mutual friends and it pissed off his older brother Arthur. That last part led to a lot of Alfred's decisions. Probably the sole reason he gave Francis, who was 100% on the same 'annoy Arthur' wavelength, a spare key... He'd insist that was the reason.

That and Alfred was so into... trying anything Francis cooked! It was a mutually beneficial relationship because Francis needed a taste tester and had made it his personal mission to 'introduce' Alfred's 'inferior American tastebuds' to an 'exquisite palate'. Rude, just because he could stomach two-minute noodles... Alfred might've taken offence to that if he weren't so into Francis. 

Whoops, he said it.

Yeah, he was down bad, he even stopped making 'France bad' jokes for this man, which he had been doing constantly to get a reaction and keep talking to him. But then when he saw it was genuinely bugging his crush and only creating bad defensive teasing instead of fun, he toned it back. Which was really hard for him because eugh France but the things one does for love-

Anyway, Alfred's daydreaming came to an abrupt end when there was pounding on the door.

"I'll get it," Alfred jumped up so Francis wouldn't have to wash his hands for the 27494th time just to open a door. Alfred knew he'd only complain about his hands cracking later and it would be a shame if they did. Fuck-? Is Alfred a part 4 (or 8) Jojo's reference? Because he promised he was only thinking romantically and he wasn't into hands.

except maybe Francis'-
Begone, intrusive thought. 
but he's so élégant-
Simp.
imagine a ring-
Stop!

He just meant that he didn't want to inconvenience Francis in any way and he knew how Francis felt about his hands drying out (which is weird hands can dry out because they get too wet, doesn't make sense but Alfred wasn't studying biology) because Alfred always listened to Francis' lovely accented voice whenever he spoke-

Luckily he was distracted by his obsessive attempts to justify his... obsessive thoughts that certainly painted him as an obsessive person... obsessing for a person- 

Gilbert and Antonio walked in and immediately gathered in the kitchen, just helping themselves to whatever crunchy bread Francis had made that was sitting still warm on a tray.

Gilbert didn't need to give a greeting. These were his close awesome friends after all. So he just leaned on the counter with complete confidence, ignoring the open books and spread pieces of paper as he unapologetically got crunchy bread crumbs everywhere. He didn't even acknowledge it when he turned to Alfred and stated exactly what he wanted.

"Hey Al, where's your cute bro at?"

Immediately Alfred pulled a face and Gilbert was ready to throw hands at this perceived judgment or disagreement. The American made a noise like he was trying to stop himself from regurgitating. 

"Arthur?" It was said with such distaste. "No, please- Dude, is that why you've been stopping by so much? What the fuck Gilbert?! And here I just thought you liked hanging out with me!"

Gilbert could not be more offended at what had to be a willful misinterpretation of his question! Because why on earth would Alfred come to such a stupid conclusion!

"Ugh, I'd have to be fucking blind before I tried to get with Arthur!"

"Your hearing will need to go too," Francis remarked. "That one never stops criticizing or complaining."

"Well, my hearing's just peachy, just so you know!" Arthur scowled as he came into the kitchen and turned on the kettle. Speak of the devil, as Arthur would say.

"I'll keep that in mind, chap," Alfred teased.

"It's one thing to have him hanging around all the time. I've come to terms with it, which says something about my sanity," Arthur glared at Francis as he grabbed a mug and teabag, before turning to the other guests. "But you two can't just waltz in whenever you please."

"Sorry, I did text you both to give some notice," Antonio chuckled. "We'll try to keep it down amigo, I promise."

"Why don't you give us your schedule so we know when you're out..." Francis asked slyly. "...and when you're in."

Arthur fixed him with a glare. He knew their game. Everyone was always against him and he knew instantly that if he gave in they'd only show up when he was home, just to spite him.

"That will not be happening," Arthur really had to question why he was the one to draw the short straw in life.

Gilbert was on a roll today, a euphoric high that made him feel like he had the word at his fingertips. He needed to use this extra awesome confidence before he lost the nerve.

"Tell you what Arthur, we'll leave if you tell me where Matthew is!"

Arthur was pouring his tea and went to question who or what Gilbert was talking about, then paused. A second later the thought came to him and he realised that maybe he ought to take more breaks from his work than he currently was because his brain was certified fried. No thanks to Alfred and his wannabe boyfriend teaming up to harass him nearly every second of the day. He'd blame them for this embarrassing slip-up that thankfully never left his mouth.

"Oh, right, uhm, I don't know where he is right now... Now that I think of it I haven't seen a lot of him recently." Arthur took a sip from his mug as he tried to think back to when last he'd seen his little brother. "I'll go check his room."

Arthur wasn't being helpful, only trying to get rid of them faster. Don't mistake his motive for anything charitable.

Meanwhile, Alfred was connecting the dots. Years of history suddenly provided context and now he could see it was all so obvious now! Gilbert had a crush! That was news to him. But despite that Gilbert was his best friend so Alfred was definitely not going to be unsupportive! 

"Did we see him at all today?" Alfred turned to Francis.

"Not that I can recall."

"Yeah, honestly I get so busy I don't even know. But that's not what's important right now!" Alfred leaned towards Gilbert and wiggled his eyebrows. "What's important is why are you asking?"

"I just want to know what he's been up to! Awesome things, no doubt!"

"Is that all?" Francis asked suggestively, earning a look from Gilbert that suggested Francis knew for a while. "You know you have my unconditional support~"

"What's going on here Gilbert?" Alfred asked mock accusationally, "Is there something you've gotta tell me?"

"I'll tell if you tell me where Matthew is," Gilbert insisted.

"My 'cute brother'?"

"Yes! That's the one! I won't take back my words!"

"So what do you like about him? Just that he's cute?"

"He's more than just cute! He's awesome too-"

"I knocked and there was no answer," Arthur stated as he returned and sipped at his tea. "Guess you'll have to come back another day. Pity."

"Gah this is so unawesome!" Gilbert grumbled.

"I told you, you should've made your move in high school," Antonio, today's wingman shook his head.

"Oh, to be high school sweethearts~," Francis said wistfully and Alfred had to refrain from picturing a whole-ass Highschool-AU-daydream in his head about what could've been...

"'Make your move?' Oh." Arthur sipped at his tea. "That's right, if you weren't such a coward then you would've done it when the poor boy was a captive audience in the halls of that horrible institution."

"Yeah fuck school," Alfred muttered as he looked at everything scattered on the kitchen island. He had to read all that... yippie. 

If it weren't such a hassle he might have been able to escape Arthur by now... He sighed.

"I'm a new man now," Gilbert groaned, "and now I have awesome courage so don't hold that against me!"

"Liquid courage?" Arthur asked skeptically.

"Don't worry," Antonio patted Arthur's shoulder. "Gilbert would never corner anyone. Maybe it's better he didn't do it at school then-"

"I was just speaking pessimistically-" Arthur tried to explain and looked defeated when Francis spoke.

"Dear Gilbert would never do anything to make your brother uncomfortable!" Francis insisted. "After all, he's been trained by the best expert in modern romance~ I mean me of course."

"I can speak for Francis's rizz," Alfred added.

"Just-" Arthur sighed deeply. "Just leave your number- have you even tried finding him online? Blimey, get with the times, social media is right at your fingertips!"

Arthur couldn't fathom why he was trying to give suggestions and helping but how could someone not think of the obvious solution!

"I'm not stupid," Gilbert retorted. "I've tried stalking him! But even my awesome stalking skills couldn't find him. Even Toni couldn't find him! And we looked everywhere! Fuck, we even tried Linking! You know that stupid site for stuck-up professors or whatever?"

"Yes, yes I know what LinkedIn is," Arthur sighed again and set about making another mug of tea. "You mustn't be searching correctly or he simply doesn't care for having an online presence, which isn't a crime you know."

"I'm sure Mattie has social media," Alfred commented as he took out his phone and with fast fingers quickly went to work. Only to pause with a contemplative face. "Had social media? What the fuck? It's like he doesn't exist. Did he delete it or block all of us?"

"He wouldn't block me, I am far too nice," Francis jested as he searched for himself, only to be just as puzzled. "I can't find him."

"Oh fuck," Alfred exclaimed in a joking manner, "you know what they say, if you don't exist on the internet do you even exist in real life?"

"Maybe he just likes his privacy, ever thought of that?" Arthur chided. "You ought to limit your screen time, you chronically online gremlin."

"Nuh-uh! You're not my Mum!"

Arthur sent his foolish brother a frustrated and disappointed look.

"Maybe he just doesn't have any because we couldn't find him online when we looked while skipping school. And that was months ago," Antonio decided.

"That's probably it then," Arthur mused before turning to Gilbert and sighing. "Just write down something and I'll leave it in his room. Surely if he had low enough standards he'd create a social media account just for you and I won't have to hear any more of this."

"Write something?" Gilbert laughed. "Who uses paper anymore? Only my old-fashioned little bro has a pen on him at all times... Who does that?"

"A lot of people, apparently," Alfred sighed, relating to Gilbert's statement as he passed over some paper and a pen. "Here you are!"

"Okay!" Gilbert put the pen down to the paper and... "what should I write?"

"Your number?" Arthur spoke slowly. "Like you said. And your social media contacts so he can see what a narcissist you are-"

"Ignore him, that's what I usually do," Francis chimed in. "Write something passionate, something breathtaking-"

"Be forward," Antonio suggested.

"-like poetry-" Francis continued.

"Don't overwhelm him," Arthur demanded. 

"Yeah don't, you need to remember that's my brother and I know where you live," Alfred added. "If I didn't know you had a crush til now and we're best bros, then how the fuck would he know? Don't make him feel awkward-"

"Certainly don't make him uncomfortable," Francis reminded.

"So leave him room to decline," Antonio said sympathetically.

"I don't want to make him not like me!" Gilbert fretted. "That would be so not awesome!"

"Do you always speak so primitively with such a childish adjective?" Arthur criticised.

Gilbert was too focused on furiously writing to entertain Arthur with a verbal answer, so instead he raised his middle finger. Awesome was his signature. Awesome was love, awesome was life.

"Man," Alfred sat back in his chair. "I just realized it's been so long since I've hung out with Mattie, now I kinda feel bad. I don't even know what he's up to now- hey Arthur, do you know what Mattie's doing?"

"I don't," Arthur felt a little ashamed. "I always assumed he was closer to you."

"Aw well I kinda assumed the same thing," Alfred said unhelpfully.

"You're twins, Alfred."

"Oh shit yeah..." Alfred grimaced. "Now I feel double bad."

"But you're older Arthur," Francis quipped, falling into the habit of 'bully Arthur'. "So you should have more responsibility. As the oldest why don't you know."

"I don't think this is a joke but I agree with Francis," Antonio frowned, actually being serious. "And I still think you're neglectful, Alfred. You're twins, how couldn't you know?"

Alfred's glaring was wavered by guilt.

"Yeah, Arthur you always act so uppity so why don't you know?" Gilbert added, joking with a smirk and Arthur glared.

Francis then rested a hand on Alfred's shoulder, the touch making his skin tingle. "You have been so busy studying and I'm sure Mathieu has been busy with...uh, whatever has been consuming his time. Besides, it's nothing you can't fix."

"Yeah," Antonio reassured. "Next time you see him just say sorry and everything will be okay!"

"Why am I held to different standards?" Arthur asked pointedly. "I'm busy too!"

Arthur didn't get his answer and he wanted to roll his eyes because what did he expect?

"Yeah lemme grab that paper imma write something on it for him too!" Alfred reached for Gilbert's letter only for him to yank it away.

"No go write your own totally awesome love letter."

"To my brother? My twin brother? Dude that's weird-"

"There are some sick people out there..." Arthur spoke into his mug and Antonio pulled a face at the implication. Francis just wiggled his eyebrows.

"Need I be jealous?" Francis teased Alfred.

"Not if I write it ironically. Pfft." Alfred blurted. "I mean, if you're jealous then I'll have to write you a love letter too to balance it out and-"

"I'm just teasing," Francis said. "You should absolutely write Mathieu an honest love letter-"

Thanks to the encouragement Alfred grabbed a pen and started writing. He didn't need this page of notes anyway.

"-Of appropriate love!" Arthur interjected. "I'm not sure what's acceptable in France but we're civilized over here-"

"In Greek philosophy, there are 7 types of love, but of course," Francis narrowed his eyes at Arthur, "you are unfamiliar with all of them."

"Alright! Get out!" Arthur's face was red and his temper was about to spill over. "I've had enough of all of you and you-" he jabbed a finger at the Frenchman "-have overstayed your welcome so get out!"

"You can't kick Francis out! He's still cooking!" Alfred cried. "Let him cook!"

"Eugh, Americans... cooking and baking are two different things-" Francis reminded.

"I'm not leaving until you put the letter in his room!" Gilbert insisted.

"I'll proofread it and consider it," Arthur said snarkily.

"You better not proofread mine," Alfred held his letter close to his chest.

"If I don't Matthew won't be able to read it through the spelling mistakes-"

"HEY!" Alfred glared at his brother.

"You should let him read it while he still can," Francis leaned in close and Alfred quickly made his face pleasant as he could smell the faint scent of sweet cologne. "It's only a matter of time before his eyebrows migrate over his eyes."

The group laughed and Arthur was officially pissed off.

"That's it!" Arthur shouted as he snatched both papers, uncaring if they were torn. "They're going in this poor bugger's room and you are all leaving."

"Nuh-uh! I live here too so I get a say-" When Alfred was cut off, he pulled an offensive face at his brother because he couldn't wait to move out from this tyranny!

"No! You're leaving too! Out with the lot of you!" Arthur growled as he marched to Matthew's room and the group could still hear him muttering from the kitchen.

"I love shitting on Arthur as a bonding activity," Alfred said vindictively because fuck his overreaching brother.

"It brings people together and that's a truly beautiful thing," Francis wrapped an arm of agreement on Alfred's shoulder, the warmth and weight and closeness made Alfred feel a lot calmer... if only because his attention was split from Arthur to something much nicer.

"I'm proud of you amigo," Antonio leaned on Gilbert.

"Nothing is more courageous than professing one's feelings," Francis said. Alfred glanced to the side with a sheepish, if self-deprecating expression.

Arthur cursed loudly, no doubt just to contradict what Francis said.

"But I was hoping to do it in person," Gilbert sounded a little defeated. "I'm so much more awesome-"

Arthur's voice from the other side of the house interrupted.

"Alfred?"

Something about it was weird and Alfred felt warning bells ringing inside of him...

"Uh, what?" He tentatively called back.

"Come confirm, where's Matthew's room?"

"I see his eyebrows have taken over sooner than we imagined," Francis said solemnly, stepping out of Alfred's space (regretfully). "Now he will need an expensive eye-seeing dog. Guess we'll have to have a bake sale."

"Maybe it's just a senior moment," Alfred shrugged.

"No, this is serious. Come now Alfred."

From his tone, everyone realised it was. Everyone followed as Alfred went to the source of the voice, unsure of what he was about to find. Arthur came up to him with a paranoid expression.

"His room's just through here-" Alfred said as he pushed open Matthew's door. Uh. "What the fuck?"

The room was completely devoid of any personality. It didn't look lived in at all. Or like anyone had ever been in at all. Like a hotel room... in an abandoned town with a faint sense of foreboding.

"Exactly," Arthur swallowed thickly. "And the spare room looks just the same so it's not a senior moment of having mixed the rooms up-"

Alfred was wandering in what he was sure was his twin's room... if only a long time ago. He dragged the pad of his finger over the desk by the bed. It was covered in a thin layer of dust. 

"What the fuck?"

Chapter Text

Everyone was in the kitchen. No one knew what was going on. It bothered everyone, but some more than others. Specifically the twin of the missing, though he did his best not to let it show.

"Okay!" Alfred's voice rang out above everyone's. "First order of business is proving Matthew exists and we're not all just imagining this shit!"

Arthur rolled his eyes.

"I'm sure we all know your brother exists-" Antonio was drowned out by an opinionated Arthur digging a pointed finger into Alfred's chest.

"No! You're not leading this investigation. I will-"

"What makes you qualified to lead?" Francis scoffed.

"Yeah, this is a democracy!" Alfred added. "So we should be voting-" 

"I vote this is stupid," Arthur scowled. "And if you wanna prove he exists go find your birth certificate-"

Alfred snapped his fingers and ran off.

"Finally," Francis shook his head. "Something reasonable coming out of your mouth."

"Oh sod off-"

"I can guarantee that Matthew exists because my eyes might be bad but I am down bad for him and it wouldn't be awesome if I just imagined him this whole time-"

"Obviously we know Matthew exists!" Arthur asserted. "This isn't an actual debate and it's certainly not helpful-"

"Found it!" Alfred was short of breath as he slapped in on the counter. "He exists! So now what?"

"How can you lead when you're asking for what comes next?" Arthur challenged.

"I know I'LL make an awesome leader so everyone should listen to me and we'll figure this out," Gilbert claimed.

"Who's going to vote for you?" Alfred grunted, annoyed that he was being challenged on an investigation about his own twin brother! But then Alfred gave his question some thought and immediately pictured Gilbert's closest friends voting for him (which included his crush and how could you Francis!?), then Alfred and Arthur for themselves. Rigged popularity contest...

"How about we let Arthur talk first," Antonio suggested as a compromise. "He's the oldest and might have some ideas. If Matthew's missing do you want to waste time arguing?"

The answer was yes, but if anyone said it out loud they'd look bad. So everyone collectively said no.

"Thank you," Arthur sighed and rubbed his head. "Now, can anyone recall when they last saw Matthew?"

Everyone ummmed and uhhhhed.

"I've been trying to catch him since graduation night so I could talk to him..." Gilbert said. "You know what about. If only I grew some balls before school ended."

"I think graduation was when I last saw him," Antonio shrugged apologetically.

"That's so long ago and very not helpful, thanks," Arthur muttered.

"I know when I started coming around, occasionally Mathieu would pass through," Francis said thoughtfully. "He had some helpful suggestions for recipes and had much better constructive criticism than Alfred."

"Oh yeah I remember that..." Alfred remembered begging Matthew to teach him how to taste food better so he could be just as helpful- "Wait! You say that like I wasn't helpful! It's not my fault I could only say 'damn that tastes good' because damn your cooking tastes good!"

"Focus," Arthur chided with a distasteful and judgemental glare. "When did you last see him?"

"Okay," Alfred cocked his head. "Uhhhhh.... a few weeks ago? Shit, lemme see my calendar..."

"It was whenever I attempted to make macaroons..." Francis rubbed his chin. "That... was over a month ago."

"Yeah, I remember cus I saw him when I was making dinner..." Alfred used to only stick to frozen meals but he didn't want Francis to think he was some hopeless slob like Arthur said he was so Alfred learnt how to meal prep. But that was irrelevant. Think Alfred! When was this instance? "It was... sometime... I showed him a meme and it was a trending meme so it was whenever that was trending... a couple of weeks ago? Maybe more... I don't know."

Guilt was starting to weigh heavily in his stomach once he said the words out loud. Once he admitted he didn't know when he last saw his own twin brother.

Meanwhile, Arthur knew he had to consider the answer for himself but honestly, he didn't know. So many things happened in a day, he really couldn't remember. But remembering when they last saw him wouldn't really help so Arthur proposed a better question.

"Alright, so between a month and a few weeks ago but never mind that. Because for all intents and purposes, he seems to have moved out. Did he say anything to anyone here? Alfred?"

"Not that I remember... oops?"

Arthur sighed. "Surely he just moved out into a college or university dorm-" Arthur wanted to slap himself! "Blimey, there's a simple answer we just haven't considered that would no doubt sort this all out. His number! I'll just call him and have him give us some sort of explanation and we'll have this sorted out in no time!"

Everyone's shoulders slumped as a wave of self-pity hit them for being so stupid and needlessly escalating the situation. And for what? Clout???

"Yeah! That's an awesome plan!" Gilbert jumped in. "Then you can call him here and I can talk to him in person!"

"Yeah, see?" Antonio looked encouragingly at Arthur. "You didn't have to worry at all!"

As an older brother himself, Antonio could imagine how stressed and ashamed Arthur was, for this happening in the first place and for him not noticing. It had started making him stress too...

"Well now I'm just worrying if I'm a bad brother," Alfred huffed. "Like, Mattie's my twin? And he just moved out and I just somehow forgot about it?"

"You've been so busy, surely it just slipped your mind," Francis insisted. 

"You are a bad brother, but you could become better," Antonio said apologetically. "When it comes to Lovi and Feli, they always know where the other is. Even if you weren't a twin I don't know how you just don't know where your sibling is..."

"Yeah, you suck." Gilbert said blatantly. "It's not very awesome to not notice if he's moved out! You could've told me where he moved and-"

"Quiet!" Arthur barked. "I'm calling."

Arthur felt his blood go cold and he took the phone from his ear. Everyone else noticed his reaction so with the phone on speaker, he attempted to call again.

"The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected-"

⊱֍⊰

No one had to say it, but they were all worried, confused and tense.

Matthew was missing, no one knew when he went missing, clearly for some time and no one could reach him. And somehow, to guilt them all, they didn't notice until now.

The night had officially been derailed into an investigation. An ameture investigation. Alfred had very quickly suggested they report this to the police under 'missing person', if only to suggest anything at all without thought, but Arthur had just as quickly shot that down. From the underwhelming level of depersonalisation in Matthew's former room, it seemed he had left of his own volition.

Probably.

They didn't know anything.

They all had a stake in this now and needed to know something. Anything.

Arthur didn't blink at the suggestion that everyone should stay for dinner to have a break before getting back into the investigation.

Francis cooked and Alfred jumped at the opportunity to help or at least try, even if he wasn't wholly present to enjoy it. Because what kind of brother was he to just... not notice that his twin brother just disappeared??

Did Matthew think he was ignoring him? Because Matthew probably said something but Alfred was probably studying at the time and just gave 'hmmm' as a reply just to seem like he was listening but very clearly wasn't!

Fuck.

He spent the majority of eating dinner just reflecting on every interaction he had with Matthew, trying to find anything that would tip him off to just what the hell happened?

Was it his fault?

Arthur was thinking the same, far too concerned for his youngest brother to actually express any distaste for eating the food Francis prepared. But Arthur spoke up when Gilbert suggested turning this investigation into an all-nighter sleepover!

"No. We'll discuss what we can until we reach a reasonable hour but I cannot afford to be sleep-deprived-"

"Come onnnn Artie!" Alfred whined. "This is important! Where's your sense of mystery? Of adventure? Of-"

"Is this a joke to you?" Arthur snapped. "Because something very serious is going on here and-"

"I know, I know," Alfred threw his hands up, mock surrender. "I'm just putting it positively! How about you go to bed when you have to, I understand you've an old man who's got work and stuff but I'm just saying, we might as well investigate as much as we can while we have help!"

"That implies we'd leave you to your own devices!" Francis sounded aghast and pushed a palm against Alfred's chest. "I could never! Not when that would leave you with Arthur!"

"We could do without his so-called help," Arthur scoffed. 

"No, the more the merrier!" Gilbert insisted. "Besides, I'm invested now and I'm not leaving until I find Matthew and give him this super awesome letter!"

"I'll stay too because if that were one of my brothers, I'd want all the support I could get," Antonio added. "I'm sure we'll get to the bottom of this soon enough."

"I hope so!" Gilbert cackled. "Now let's go buy some sleepover shit!"

Arthur couldn't help but feel like only he knew the real weight behind this situation he found himself in. Surely Alfred should be feeling like something here was amiss. The two of them were Matthew's brothers and that meant they should know him the best. Clearly, they didn't because Matthew just disappeared and yet the intruders here were treating the situation like it was just something that happened and was completely trivial. Arthur made himself another cup of tea. This sort of thing did not happen every day!

Something happened and whatever it was it was completely serious. Why couldn't they see that?

"Right, you three can go to the shops, feel free to leave Francis there by mistake. Now Alfred, can I speak with you in my study?"

Alfred just sighed in response, because obliging his brother was just so damn hard to do. Arthur's building tension did not like the disrespect.

It was frustrating how everyone had just convinced themselves this would all turn out fine in the end! Regardless of if it did, it was not fine now. Matthew had left! He would've told someone prior and not one person knew a thing! How couldn't anyone else see how their neglect was now aired out like dirty laundry?

Things were not fine now because they were in this situation of uncertainty. If Matthew had moved out... wherever he went he likely expected them to visit. And they never did. It didn't sit right with Arthur. That simply wasn't proper.

But it irked him that Matthew's phone was disconnected. That little detail meant more than Matthew simply not having social media. It meant more than him being unavailable. It meant he was out of reach. It meant something and Arthur dreaded to find out what.

"So. What?" Alfred had his hands in his pocket and Arthur pushed down his anger.

"I just hope you're taking this seriously."

"As serious as I can. Promise."

"Because I think when we find out what happened with Matthew things won't be like they were before. We didn't even notice he moved out. That means were weren't there for him like brothers should be and he did it all alone-"

"Yeah, I know! I know we're terrible brothers, alright? Don't need to rub it in! I'm just thinking optimistically that we'll find out soon enough and then we'll make things right with Mattie, alright? Then things won't be like they were before because they'd be better."

"Fine." Arthur had to restrain himself from saying more. From attacking Alfred out of frustration... and from sharing Arthur's worries because if Alfred could think positively why should Arthur ruin that? Even if deep down he worried this wasn't going to end well and everyone should be prepared. "Bring back some of the teabags I like from the shop then, would you?"

"You're not coming?"

"No, I'll start investigating, or at least think of what we can do to figure this out."

"Suit yourself," was all Alfred said before he left.

Chapter Text

They went in Gilbert's car and Alfred realised his mistake a second after he already called shotgun! Gilbert got into the driver's seat and Alfred wished that if he had to be a passenger princess, it would be for someone else...

Who was he kidding? Was it too late to take his own car so he could offer the passenger princess seat to Francis? Yes - because then that would be suspicious. Why take two cars? Everyone knew carpooling was fun! But then his saving grace came in the form of Antonio being the designated navigator and kicking Alfred out of the front because his navigating skills 'sucked'. Alfred wanted to be offended, but now he was in the back with Francis so.... he kept his mouth shut. Plus he was 90% sure that Antonio's pleased look on his face came from a place of knowing... (the other 10% came from having shotgun)

Gilbert played the music loud and talked with Antonio about what he was going to do after the situation was resolved and they found Matthew, which shouldn't take long because of his awesome detective skills. And what he'd do after was not chickening out on giving him the note and hoping for the best.

But Alfred could tease Gilbert for his feelings (that somehow Alfred had completely missed! Must've been because he was too busy... obsessing about someone) later and turned to Francis (perhaps the one he obsessed over).

"Arthur's really worried," Alfred said. "He feels guilty because Matthew didn't ask us for help when he moved out or something."

"Maybe Matthew didn't tell you? I'm sure you would've remembered if he did."

Alfred shook his head because that suggestion was just stupid.

"Matthew would've told us!" Alfred thought about it. "But maybe he didn't want to bother us with making us help... but he would've said something before he left and then we just fucking ignored him! If he said something I know we would've helped or thrown him a moving-out party or something! I just can't believe he's gone! How was he the first to move out? And how did he do without us noticing? We can't be that busy!"

Alfred realised he was ranting and felt a wave of shame come over him.

"Ahh, sorry, I'm just a bit stressed about it, y'know? He's my twin and I just always assumed he was there, y'know? And now he isn't..."

"It's okay. I'm sure finding Matthew will be easy and when we find him you can make everything alright."

"You keep saying that but we've still gotta find him first," Alfred grimaced before slapping on a smile so he didn't have to make Francis argue. "But yeah, I'm thinking positively!"

"That's the spirit! And besides, I'm certain this is all Arthur's fault anyway. Let's just agree to blame him."

"Yeah exactly, Arthur's right there so I'll blame him! He always acts like he knows everything so this is on him. Now I feel better."

Then Antonio turned around to talk to Francis.

"We're going to stop home after this to grab our things, should we stop by yours too?"

"I practically live at your place, I'll grab some things from there." Francis dismissed. "Besides, how could I turn down seeing my favourite twins~?"

That would be Lovino and Feliciano, not Alfred and Matthew, but Alfred still felt a little jealous, if only because he was sensitive from his own lack of twin. But he had to admit the Italian twins were his favourite twins too... and they'd never get into this situation.

Alfred pushed the guilt away.

⊱֍⊰

Walking into the grocery store very much like an unsupervised child with $20, the group grabbed a basket each and started putting in anything they thought would be needed.

"Mango or passion fruit?" Gilbert asked, holding up energy drinks and Alfred gave him a mischievous look.

"Both dude!"

Gilbert had a chaotic twinkle in his eye.

"I should drink them both at the same time!"

"Better idea!" Alfred jumped in. "Energy drink punch! For everyone."

"That's awesome!" Gilbert cackled.

Alfred would later lie to Arthur about how much he spent at the store. The answer always being 'too much' in his older brother's eyes. But everything they bought was 100% necessary. 

All the bags were piled into the back of the car, between Alfred and Francis whose job was to hold the bags. If Alfred really wanted shotgun, he could argue that Gilbert didn't need directions to the next destination and Antonio had his turn. But...

He and Francis had too much fun ragging on British people. Alfred loved that they both had the common motive to pest Arthur. Anyone who saw what a 'twat' Arthur was made a good friend in Alfred's eyes. And the way he and Francis spoke could have him joking forever, the way Francis was able to build onto anything Alfred said and they just kept going? Wonderful. Alfred loved to talk, and Francis loved to talk, and together they talked. Alfred loved it. He loved Francis.

Of course, Alfred wanted to come into Antonio's house when the car stopped. Since leaving school he missed seeing all his friends daily and the Italian twins were no exception.

"So how does it feel to be seniors?" Alfred asked as he hung over the back of the couch to annoy Lovino and poke Feliciano as they watched the news.

"Feels fucking miserable. Everyone's breathing down our necks 24/7 and we can't catch a fucking break."

"Don't be like that Lovi! It's great!" Feli cheered, always the optimistic one.

Hmmm, maybe Alfred should suggest that for their Halloween costume, Lovino should dress as Squidward and Feliciano dress as Spongebob. He'll keep that thought to himself until it was the right time to suggest it...

"Why are you here?" Lovi's irritation rose as Antonio blocked the view of the TV.

"Because I can't go one day without saying I love you two!" Antonio forced Lovino into his arms.

"I'll fucking bite you."

Meanwhile, Feliciano was more than happy to be hugged by Francis, and even happier to claim he was his big brother too. The scene was too cute and Alfred tried not to react as he stared. Well, tried. His face kinda hurt from how violently he was smiling.

"Can I be your big brother too?" Alfred said as he leaned into Feliciano's space.

"Of course! The more the merrier!" Feliciano claimed and pulled Alfred in too.

Gilbert had a duffle bag slung as he came back into the room.

"Lud's not here?"

"Thankfully-fucking-not," Lovino said as he brought his mouth off of Antonio's forearm, which now had teeth marks. Antonio didn't seem to care as he wiped his arm on his pants. No matter what, Antonio was always the chillest dude in the room and Alfred respected it.

"Yeah, he had to go," Feliciano whined and Francis patted his head before going to pack his stuff.

"Is Nonno here?" Antonio asked.

"No, still at work, that bastard."

"Well, tell him that we won't be coming back tonight, we're sleeping over at Alfred's."

"Do I look like a fucking messenger pigeon, you fucking idiot? And you're an adult now so who cares? Send him a message, your phone works. Idiot."

That last 'idiot' was personal, but as always drove Lovino's point home. 

"Okay Tonio!" Feliciano agreed and gasped when Lovino threw a pillow at him.

"Great! I knew I could count on you!" Antonio made a heart shape with his fingers. Lovino made the most generic gesture known worldwide with his fingers. Alfred knew they loved each other and awwwwed, cut off when a pillow was thrown at him.

"Okay, okay, I know we're bothering you and stopping you from watching TV," Alfred said as he went around the couch to block Lovino from seeing the TV. "But as an adult, I can tell you that TV's very bad for you."

"Fuck off, I can make my own choices."

"Also, random question, do you guys know where each other is at all times?"

"Are you seriously asking if we have twin telepathy?" Lovino scowled. "You? Are you fucking-"

"We do!" Feliciano nodded. "Well, we don't have twin telepathy but I always know where Lovi is. Why wouldn't I know where Lovi is?"

"I don't know," Alfred shrugged. "Would you go somewhere without telling him?"

"No!"

"What about you, Lovi?" Alfred asked.

"I fucking wish, this idiot follows me everywhere!"

"Except for the bathroom!"

"I should fucking hope so!"

Alfred could not imagine arguing with Matthew like this. Was it weird he kinda wished he did? Maybe it would mean they were close, just like this pair of twins were.

Because Alfred and Matthew weren't close...

They were once, a long time ago when they were children. But Alfred can't imagine what happened... He got busier, that's for sure. Too busy, maybe? His life got too full and demanding and somehow Matthew was drowned out.

Alfred stepped to the side, out of the way of the TV as he thought.

"I'll meet y'all at the car," Alfred commented as he went past Gilbert, who gave Alfred the keys before helping himself to the fridge.

Alfred shut himself in the car. It was quiet and cold. He pulled his phone from his pocket and opened his contacts. He had a lot of contacts but with everyone appropriately labelled it wasn't hard to find Matthew's. Alfred just stared at the contact with his finger hovering. He was hesitating to call. Because what if Matthew picked up? Alfred never had calling anxiety before. But Matthew had, so he wouldn't pick up and Alfred wouldn't have to talk and admit and apologise that he was a piece of shit brother.

Maybe a piece of shit person in general. Because even just as friends... how did it come to this?

Matthew wouldn't pick up but at least Alfred could say he tried and he'd know if he had the same weird voice thing that Arthur got. Because he really wouldn't blame Matthew if he blocked Arthur.

So Alfred called and his stomach dropped.

"The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected."

What the fuck did that mean? Alfred could feel his breathing getting heavier as he Googled it. Because when he didn't know something his first instinct was to Google it.

what does it mean this number is disconnected

'It means the person you are calling either changed their phone number or didn't pay their bill and it was shut off.'

What?

So did Mattie just forget to pay or decide not to pay? That had to be it. Because the alternative was he changed his number and told them, but they just forgot!

Matthew wouldn't forget to pay his phone bill. That shit was automated... Alfred just didn't want to admit the latter was much more likely-

Alfred couldn't- thoughts weren't coming to him. He kept scrolling.

'Disconnected phone numbers mean the customer is unreachable, and continued communication attempts with that disconnected number is time, money, and energy wasted with no return.'

He clicked a suggested search with trembling fingers.

Am I blocked or is their phone disconnected?
'If the call ends after one ring (or, in some cases, half of a ring) and you are diverted to voicemail, you are either blocked or your contact's phone is dead. If the phone immediately hangs up or beeps rapidly, then either the line is busy or the contact blocked you through their carrier.'

Well that didn't happen so he wasn't blocked. He went back to looking at what the fuck a disconnected phone number meant.

It didn't mean anything good...

The car felt a little colder when Alfred put his phone in his pocket. Now he really had no way of contacting his brother.

It was frustrating. He felt helpless. And so so guilty.

But then the other's came back and he distracted himself with the promise of making energy drink fruit punch... with alcohol!

Having friends around always cheered him up, but having distracted himself so often due to his study... he knew what a distraction felt like. He was distracted, but he fully embraced it. 

The four of them in a car was a terrible concoction of:
-lack of common sense
-enthusiasm for chaos
-disregard for rules
-eagerness for a good time

So they all just agreed to not tell Arthur about the alcoholic energy soup. It wasn't like Arthur would try energy drink punch anyway and therefore find out, but Alfred could just feel it in his soul and make an educated assumption that Arthur would have a problem with it regardless if it had alcohol or not.

Arthur didn't have to know about the alcohol. It only took 5 minutes to stop and buy some alcohol with Gilbert's fake ID because this was America and despite being 18-year-old adults (legally, definitely not mentally) they couldn't have alcohol, which if Alfred thought about it would be weird for any non-Americans but the concept was just normal to him.

They left with more alcohol than necessary, but that really should've come as a surprise considering the list describing them. The group decided to store the excess alcohol in the car for another occasion without Arthur. Or maybe even offer it to Arthur once they succeed in reaching Matthew. Call it preparing for success. Manifesting destiny, or something.

When Alfred got home he noticed that his makeshift study area had been scrapped and everything was shoved off to the side. There were whiteboard and markers, notepads and pens, Arthur leaned on the counter entirely focused on his laptop.

"You certainly took your time," he chided. "And now that you're back we can begin."

⊱֍⊰

Arthur didn't say they had to begin immediately, so after 10 minutes of setting up all the snacks and then throwing the sleepover gear into the spare room, because, despite offers to use the couch (or share Alfred's double bed if your name starts with F), the guests were more than content to fit into a double bed. Antonio insisted that when they slept at his house they always just crashed in his bed and never had a problem with it so clearly they'd just do that here.

"European descent, Alfred," Arthur reminded before Alfred said something weird or offensive without even knowing it. "They don't see things how the feeble American mind does."

"HEY!" Alfred was going to pretend he forgot Arthur's tea bags as punishment for that.

"Alright!" Gilbert captured everyone's attention as he came into the room, concealing the drinks for his concoction in the grocery bag. "Are we ready?"

"I think that if anyone needed to do anything before we start, now's the time," Francis said with a spark in his eye.

"I just went to the bathroom so I'm all good," Antonio added, barely withholding a mischievous grin.

"Hmm, that's a good idea actually," Arthur mused as he put down his mug of never-ending tea. "But once I come back we really shouldn't put this off any longer."

"You guys are geniuses'!" Alfred fake whispered as Gilbert started unpacking the energy drinks and alcohol the millisecond Arthur went around the corner.

"Tell me something I don't know!" Gilbert cackled. "Now where's a big enough bowl?"

Alfred almost ripped a cupboard door from its hinge and basically threw the bowl at Gilbert.

"We'll need some ice," Antonio reminded and helped himself to the freezer.

"Go go go go," Alfred withheld laughter as everyone scrambled to put together the punch.

"We'll need this," Francis placed a soup ladle on the counter, along with some glasses, "and these."

"Fuck, lemme see if we have any cool straws!" Alfred pulled open a drawer to find some colourful curly straws he bought for graduation.

"Oh fuck yeah!" Gilbert exclaimed and finally added the alcohol into the mix. The second he was done Francis was taking the bottle from him and shoving it, along with the empty cans into the grocery bag and then running out the front door.

"I dub this punch the 'something awesome Matthew'," Gilbert stepped back with his hands on his hips. "Because this night is dedicated to him! I'll come up with a more awesome name later."

That's when Arthur came back in and saw the punch bowl. He just looked between everyone individually before sighing and turning on the kettle.

Francis walked back in and Alfred could barely contain laughter when-

"What's that?" Francis pretended he had no idea what was going on.

"I don't want to waste time by asking," Arthur said, having given up a long time ago.

"It's just fruit punch! Here, have some!" Alfred scooped some into a glass and quickly handed it to Francis without spilling it. "Did you want some too Arthur?"

"No thanks, I'll stick to tea."

"Your loss," Alfred shrugged and tried to keep his smile as unsuspicious as possible.

"I saw there wasn't that much room in your fridge so we'll have to be responsible and drink this all tonight because we won't be able to put it away," Antonio said and Alfred couldn't keep his smile sane after that. No one could.

And because Arthur very clearly could pick up that something was going on, they had to 'admit' that there were energy drinks in the punch. That it was entirely energy drinks. Nothing else.

Arthur sighed into his tea.

Once everyone had a drink in hand they could finally begin their investigation.

Chapter Text

The investigation started with interrogating each other about what they knew. Which proved to be - not much. Disappointing but at this rate, unsurprising. 

The only semi-helpful unhelpful thing they found out was last year when Alfred had applied to study months before graduating, he had asked Matthew what he was going to do. Matthew said he didn't know and Alfred recalled spending the next week giving him suggestions that Matthew didn't seem to be interested beyond his usual politeness.

Arthur found that mostly entirely unhelpful because it didn't help narrow down where Matthew would've gone now and it was a conversation from so long ago that Matthew could've changed his mind since.

The point was, they were getting nowhere. They had no leads and only assumptions.

Arthur had just suggested contacting all relatives to see if Matthew might've moved in with them or if they knew something, but then Alfred had overridden his idea by jumping up and suggesting they search Matthew's room for clues!

"Fine, you go search his room," Arthur took out his phone. "And I'll-"

"We're splitting up and searching for clues! Just like in Scooby-Doo!"

"Just go," Arthur waved Alfred away.

"I'll come with you!" Gilbert jumped up and Francis followed.

"Will you be alright?" Antonio asked.

"I'll be fine, it's not hard to make a couple of calls," Arthur reassured and Antonio left too.

Arthur sipped on his tea as the phone dialed.

⊱֍⊰

"His room didn't always look like this," Alfred said as they went in.

"I was picturing something more awesome," Gilbert agreed. "There's no way it would be this depressing."

"Look- You can see the dust on the walls from where his hockey shit was."

"Man, I really miss watching him play hockey. He was awesome at it," Gilbert remembered being captivated by how Matthew had played. Francis chuckled teasingly as he dug an elbow into his friend.

"So what are we looking for?" Antonio asked.

"Clues, gang," Alfred finger gunned.

"That'll probably mean digging through his stuff, are you alright with that amigo?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Alfred shrugged and approached his brother's wardrobe. He opened it. 

It was empty. Completely empty. 

"What the fuck?"

Alfred had assumed that it was just the exterior of the room that had been cleaned out and left bland, but with increasing panic and uncertainty he pulled open every door and drawer hoping to find something but was left with nothing.

"Wow, he really moved out, huh?" Gilbert whistled. 

"Are you alright?" Francis asked as Alfred paced back and forth.

"Yeah, of course! I'm fine. We already knew he moved out so we should've expected this-" Alfred sat on the bed and scratched his head. "I just feel a little bit bad because usually someone moving out is a big deal but this time it's just happened so, yeah I don't know."

"Maybe Matthew had to move out on a deadline," Antonio suggested as he wandered around the room. "And so it happened very quickly?"

"Yeah! That could be it!" Gilbert announced. "And that would be why he forgot to clean out this bin." 

"That could be a clue!" Alfred slapped his hands down on the bed and in doing so found another clue. His hand had hit something hard under the covers and when he pulled them back he saw an art book. He grabbed it. "Clue 2 guys! We're so good at this!"

"Of course we are, we're awesome!" Gilbert said as he just grabbed the lining from the bin.

"That's two clues secured, anything else?" Alfred's optimism was back.

"There's an eye mask and face mask in this drawer," Antonio suggested as he pulled open the nightstand.

"Uh, maybe," Alfred shrugged and grabbed them anyway. "What else?"

Francis tutted as he reached for something between the wardrobe and the wall. He pulled out a hockey mask and Alfred's optimism wavered.

"What's that doing there?" He asked as he reached for it. It was dusty.

"I don't know, maybe it fell?" Francis offered.

"Was there anything else back there?" Alfred strained to look, desperate to find more. There was nothing else.

"There's something here!" Gilbert was on the floor looking under the bed. He pulled out a pile of clothes, folded neatly. When they got messed up from being pulled out, Gilbert attempted to fold them again to fix them. They stayed wrinkly.

"Okay... that's weird," Alfred could see the top item... it was Matthew's favourite jumper. Alfred only knew that and was able to recognise it because of the maple leaf. "Grab that too."

"There's this too," Francis caught his attention (of course he did - Alfred tried to silence the thoughts that called him out) and reached for something on top of the wardrobe. It was a bottle of maple syrup.

"I thought he hated the plastic bottles," Alfred commented as he saw the completely empty non-glass bottle. The bottle had basically been sucked into itself by the force that had been used to get every last drop of syrup. There was a crack in one of the sides from the force. Alfred knew that his brother loved the sweet syrup but that just felt extreme, like something Alfred would do.

"He must've forgotten it was here, though luckily it didn't attract ants," Francis mused.

"Oh yeah that's good or Arthur would never shut up," Alfred looked around contemplatively. He had to be optimistic that these insignificant and forgotten items would give them a lead. "I think that's everything so let's go harass Arthur and piece this puzzle together."

⊱֍⊰

Well... Arthur didn't have any luck. He said as much when everyone came back in. He had called everyone possibly relevant and forced them to answer with what they could without getting off-topic.

Not only was Matthew not staying with family but he hadn't been seen since graduation. By anyone. Like he had become a homebody or something since. So that was helpful. Arthur just requested people keep an eye out for him.

"Well, we might've had more luck!" Alfred said as everything was tossed onto the counter for Arthur to see.

"I don't see how this will be helpful," Arthur critiqued as he removed the eye and face mask and then binned the maple syrup bottle.

"But it could be a clue! Like maybe he had to leave in a hurry so he forgot to trash the maple syrup."

"Maybe, I suppose it would be a contextual clue but hardly a helpful one. What's this?" Arthur pointed to the stack of clothes.

"I found those under his bed!" Gilbert said, a little too excitedly. "But I'm pretty sure that's the jumper he always wore so I don't know why it'd be there."

"I'm sure he had a lot of similar style clothes. Now answer; why bring clothes that were under his bed?"

"Oh yeah, uh, everything was empty. All his drawers and wardrobe- this was literally everything in his room. That's all his clothes."

Arthur gave an incredulous look before shaking his head and bringing the jumper to his face to give it a sniff. He hesitated, then sniffed again.

"I think you're right," his tone condemning.

"Who and about what?" Alfred was a little confused.

"This jumper- it's the same one he wore all the time."

"Oh... so what does that mean?" Alfred asked, his eyes darting between his older (hopefully, therefore wiser) brother and Matthew's favourite jumper.

If Matthew moved out, how the fuck did he forget his favourite jumper? The one he always wore?

"I'm not sure," Arthur folded it and put it back on the pile. "Why would he leave it behind... and why under the bed? Of all the places... what else is here?"

Alfred really didn't like that Arthur was unsure.

"What about this? He forgot this too!" Alfred held up Matthew's hockey helmet.

"Where was that?" Arthur asked as he took it.

"Between the wall and the wardrobe," Francis answered. "Maybe it fell?"

"It must've... but why wouldn't he come back for it?"

"If it fell he might've thought he lost it and bought a new one?" Antonio shrugged.

"That's plausible. What else is there?" Arthur demanded.

"So, we've got his trash which might have important papers in it, I don't know, and I found this-" Alfred held up the thin art book "in the bed for some reason so hopefully -question mark?- it gives us a lead-"

Arthur's sigh said 'I doubt that' as he motioned for the book. He opened it and his expression became even more tense as he studied the page.

"Did Matthew ever take art?" Arthur asked with urgency.

"Yep!" Gilbert said. "Once I asked to see what he was drawing but he said I couldn't because it was for a project. I'm sure whatever it was it was very awesome!"

"Okay, well, that might explain the nature of this drawing then."

Arthur put the book down for everyone to see. Immediately Alfred felt a weird aura from the black and white page.

In the center was a child, who looked scared and uncertain and who looked like Matthew. Around him was darkness. Somehow it looked like it was creeping in to swallow him. There was a white space between the child and the darkness, though small. It was in the shape of a polar bear.

The polar bear felt familiar to him somehow but being more focused on the eerie art, Alfred couldn't really think.

"Without a date or title this isn't very helpful," Arthur, ever pragmatic, continued. He snatched the book away and went through the other pictures. "If this was all for a grade then I hope he got top marks. But this is hardly helpful... still, I see why he might want to leave this behind."

Arthur showed another page. 

It was a child, who looked like Matthew, and also looked like he was made out of yarn. The child was wearing Matthew's favourite jumper only it was unravelling from the middle. The child watched it unravel despite the fact that he was made out of the jumper and with the yarn being pulled away it was destroying him. His insides were made of yarn and they were being pulled out. He had a conflicted expression but couldn't save himself from being pulled apart.

"Cus it's creepy?" Alfred asked and no one had any reassurances.

"A lot of the pages have been ripped out," Arthur mused as he hesitantly flicked through the few pages, "A majority, actually. Every other drawing in here is just as... surreal? I don't know the term but these pictures just feel... strange."

"They're all like that?" Francis muttered.

"Show us some more," Alfred found himself saying even though he didn't even want to see the first two ever again.

"No. I doubt they're relevant." Arthur suddenly snapped the book shut and slammed it on the counter. "I doubt they'll point to where Matthew is now."

"Okay, geez," Gilbert winced. "Maybe you should try some of this punch."

At the reminder of the punch Alfred skulled his glass and went to grab a refill. He wasn't the only one.

"I sure hope these papers help," Arthur said as he pulled out the crinkled-up papers from the bin lining and set to flatten them out. Everyone knew that something was wrong when Arthur had a sharp intake of breath.

Matthew's graduation certificate was on the table.

Arthur continued to flatten out paper after paper while the others watched in silence.

There was a paper for Matthew's final grades. All top marks. Stained with a few blotches of... presumably tears... hopefully not tears... but probably tears...

There were a few pieces of lined papers, A5 size having been ripped from somewhere else and laid to be read on the surface.

They were diary pages. It felt wrong and invasive, yet no one had any moral objections to reading them.

[Dear diary
Nothing to report. My life is boring. I've been keeping on top of my school work and that's all I really need to do anymore. That's all I want to do. I've been putting so much effort into trying to help everyone else that it's been impacting my school work. Or it would be if I didn't keep on top of it. Sometimes I don't think I can do everything like I used to. I don't want to either but I feel like I have to now because things would be weird if I stopped.

Gilbert was being weird again, it was like he was trying to show off and I had to respond but I really don't know how or what he wants. He probably just needs to be constantly told he's great. But he already knows he's 'awesome' so I don't know why he needs to prove it to everyone. Or even to me over and over because I just keep responding like I should and agreeing. Maybe there's problems going on at home or something and that's why he needs approval. I think that's the case and I feel bad for him but he has so many friends that it shouldn't matter. He's already on the top and his friends love him.
I just realised that Gilbert is probably being compared to his brother. I understand now and I get it. I can't stop comparing myself to Alfred and I wish I could make myself stop. But Gilbert has more friends than his brother so can't he see he's better off? All his friends back him on being awesome but it's just me who's approval he seems to need, unless I'm just not seeing all the times he's being weird to everyone else too. Now I just feel judgy and it doesn't even matter.]

The page was ripped, like those few paragraphs had been selected to be disposed of. Gilbert's face morphed into something serious as he read it before he finally tore his eyes away and finished the rest of his punch.

There were more diary entries.

[I had that exam I was really worried about today and so I made myself pancakes to celebrate. Then Arthur and Alfred came in and I had to make more to share them. I told them they were celebration pancakes and then Arthur thought I meant celebrating that he got a better job and Alfred thought I meant celebrating that he finished a TV series he cared about but I don't really know how that's something to celebrate.
I just agreed and ate my pancakes. Because I'm nice, I let them believe what they wanted to. I'm not going to cause an argument again
]

Alfred and Arthur looked at each other for an explanation but couldn't find one. The page just ended mid-sentence and they were hanging onto every word searching for meaning that couldn't be completed.

[Dear diary
It's a week before graduation and I'm so tired. I don't think I could walk across the stage and I don't think I want to. Do I even need to? I could just not go and nothing would change so that's why I have to go, right? Or is that why I should not go and see if I'm right? I know I'm right but why do I not want to be? Why do I have to be stuck?]

Alfred had too many questions because he didn't understand this one at all. 

Arthur really hoped that his understanding was a misinterpretation of the budding nagging feeling...

[I asked Alfred if he wanted to do something today but he said he was tired and wanted to watch TV. So I joined him but then someone texted him and 5 minutes later he was being picked up to hang out with someone else.
I really wish I knew what to do to hold anyone's attention but even now that I've given up it still hurts. It just reminds me that somehow I'm not good enough. So I just turned the TV off and fell asleep on the couch. I don't have anything else to do now that school's over.
Is this the 'real world' that we were constantly told about? I had just adapted to school and now I have to adapt again?]

Alfred didn't even know what scenario Matthew was describing and he felt like shit.

[Dear diary
We graduate tomorrow but I can remember my first day of school so clearly. Did any time actually pass between then? Now I understand what everyone meant by 'be careful, it goes fast'. I know Alfred always brushed them off, but I always listened. It wasn't that I didn't believe them, I just thought that it wouldn't start until much later. But I see it now.
I asked Alfred if he wanted to go ice skating or even play baseball like we used to when we were younger but he said he already had plans. I asked what about later and he had plans. He always has plans. I wish I knew what I needed to do to be included in those plans but if I haven't figured it out by now I never will. I've tried so hard and I got nowhere and now I've finally given up. I don't want to be in those plans anyway, not anymore.
It doesn't even hurt like it used to. Alfred was my only friend or at least he was supposed to be a friend. I can't make anyone be friends with me, I can't force anything but if I was meant to have just one friend isn't it supposed to be Al? But I don't want him to be friends with me out of obligation. That would just feel wrong.
I don't wanna go ice skating by myself anymore.]

[I don't know why I'm not surprised or why I'm not hurt about it. Usually I would be but somehow it's just confirmation. The principal blanked on my name before calling me on the stage. Everyone clapped but it felt like a soulless laugh track from a soulless TV series with the most boring, repetitive and predictable plot. I don't really remember much else from that moment on.
I know that I went home because I didn't have anywhere else to be. Everyone else had after-parties and dinners and things like that, things I can't imagine because I'm never included. I know I went home and was home alone for a while, I just sat on my bed and I think I stayed like that all night.]

Alfred didn't remember the name mix-up at all but he did remember the after-parties... he couldn't even remember if Matthew was there or not. Fuck. That said enough, didn't it? Fuck.

[I realised it's not that I don't wanna go ice skating by myself, I just don't want to ice skate at all anymore. I look at the ice and I just don't care about it anymore. I feel the same way when looking in the mirror and-]

It just ended. There had to be more. Needed to be more because having the uncertainty just left to their imaginations didn't bring anyone comfort.

[Dear Diary
Would I even feel the heat of flames if I burnt that stupid graduation gown? I should go to the rink and lay on the ice and see if I feel any different. I'm not sure if I would. I am cold.]

What the fuck did that mean? Alfred searched for answers in Arthur who just looked away with a scowl.

[I tried talking to Arthur about it but he needed to go shopping so he said later. If I wasn't so tired I would've offered to go shopping with him and talked then but he was already gone. But I shouldn't judge him, he does so much for us and I'd just be giving him more problems to sort out.
Alfred always said I could tell him anything but I couldn't hold his focus because he was watching something that distracted me too. I can't even remember what it was but I saw the colours and it was like I was hypnotized as I just sat and stared at the screen. I don't remember anything only then I woke up on the couch a while later apparently having fallen asleep. 
I don't think I'll try again later. I'll just talk to Kuma like always.]

[Dear Diary
We graduated a couple of months ago and it feels like so much has changed but everything is still the same. I can't believe I'm 18 today because it felt like just yesterday we were still in school. I really miss school even though I didn't really like it. At least at school I wasn't physically alone but now I am completely alone. I feel stupid for not seeing it coming. Did I really think if I tried hard enough I'd wedge myself in a friend group and stay there even once school was over?
At least Alfred hugged me and said Happy birthday and I didn't want him to let go because it had been so long. I don't know why I felt like crying, but I had to hide it because it would make things weird so I asked what we were doing today. But then he surprised me by saying he already had plans. I thought we celebrated our birthdays together? That's what we've always done and apparently that changes now. Usually, he's always so insistent on the planning that I don't bother. There's no point in suggesting anything when it comes to Al. But because he didn't tell me that he was doing his own thing, I don't have anything to do. I feel like I should cry about it because for so many years I always stopped myself from crying, but I'm too tired for that. I wish I could cry because maybe I'll feel better.
I think I'll just go to bed early-]

Oh fuck. Alfred remembered their birthday and his plans. He had been so sure that he had mentioned it to Matthew too. Fuck. There was a knife twisting in his heart right now and now knowing how alone his brother was- he needed to hug his twin right now and make it okay. Alfred kept his head down and kept reading, but he could feel everyone glancing his way and he really didn't want to see what their faces looked like.

He wouldn't blame them if they thought he was the most selfish piece of shit they've ever met.

[Yesterday I spent the whole day in bed. I didn't mean to but I did choose to. It was an easy choice to make because I was so comfortable and getting up seemed impossible, so all I had to do was just lay there. But then time kept passing and it made me feel bad for still being in bed but I still couldn't get up. I guess that just meant I didn't care enough. Now I just feel lazy. I didn't even do anything, not even scroll on my phone. I don't even think I thought about anything even though I need to. I need to think about what I'm going to do about my life but when I start thinking about it I either get distracted or really tired so I can't even try. It's like my own body doesn't want to fix my life. Then the sun was going down and I was still stuck in bed and somehow despite doing nothing I was tired and I just feel so guilty for wasting an entire day. I hope my life doesn't turn out like today. A giant fucking waste.

I want to look up how to actually get out of bed because I just don't know but I can't be bothered. It took me until the afternoon to get out of bed today and I felt really bad for wasting so much time and I still partly feel bad but part of me just can't bring myself to google it. Because it's not really a problem is it? I don't think so. I don't have anywhere I have to be or anyone I have to see. No one expects anything from me which is very different from before. I don't even know what to think about it.

I know that Arthur would just say set an alarm or something like that to get my lazy butt out of bed. But I've been using alarms for years because of school so I already knew that was an option. I tried using alarms but when it comes to the moment of getting out of bed I just turn off the alarm. No matter how much I try to sleep it so it'll turn back on and I have another chance, I always turn it off.
]

Then the last piece of paper that Arthur flattened out was a page of a month from a calendar. August. Nearly every day was crossed off... except for the last few days. Was Matthew not there to mark them off?

It was the start of October now.

There was a thick tension hanging over the group as they stared at the select pages. No one knew what to make of all this, only if it was in the bin that was because Matthew rejected it. But why?

It was hard to focus on that question when everyone was busy asking themselves 'How did they miss how Matthew felt'? Because not one person had noticed that he was depressed and felt like shit. Not one.

And not one of them realised they weren't treating him fairly and pushed him to that point. That realisation had started to sink in and it strained their hearts. It haunted them.

Chapter Text

No one argued this time when Arthur took the lead. He demanded that everyone contact every single person they knew asking for any information. ASAP.

"But how will we know if we end up texting the same person?" Alfred asked as he fumbled to unlock his phone. He wasn't the only one, Gilbert had to close one eye and squint the other just to type in his passcode correctly. Despite being a little physically inebriated and a little bit nauseous, everyone was mentally sober.

"Doesn't bloody matter-" Arthur took a breath out and calmed himself. They did have mutual friends and family. "Good point, Alfred. Let me think for one moment."

Arthur quickly suggested who would contact who and then there was silence as messages were typed, copied, and sent to everyone they could.

"If he changed his number, surely someone he gave it to could put us in contact," Antonio said as he put his phone down.

"I'm not stopping here," Arthur said as he brought a dialling phone to his ear. Then when he got questioning looks he explained. "I'm calling the ice rink. Maybe they could tell us something. While I do this I want all of you calling places he frequented."

But no one knew what or who to call because after a few mutual glances of shame, everyone realised they didn't know shit about Matthew's life.
So they just listened to Arthur's one-sided call that was evidently a bust.

"He stopped going since graduation," Arthur said with a sigh. "He didn't say anything to the staff. This is a dead bloody end, bloody hell."

Matthew used to love ice skating but then he just stopped? His diary entries about it were alarming but Arthur had to remind himself that these pages could've been written any time apart and for them to be in the trash hopefully meant that they were discarded because they just didn't apply anymore and Matthew suddenly felt so much better and wanted to be free of them. Or something like that.

They didn't have time to think about what now, because with the many many texts sent out came many many responses. At first, it was easy to stay optimistic when the first few negative texts came through, but then it became evident that no one, not one single person, had seen or even spoken to Matthew. And not just since August. But since graduation. For a few, that went back even further.

It was harrowing.

Was Matthew cooped up at home between graduating and leaving? That was surely the implication and it unfortunately was starting to make sense. Yet his brothers didn't even notice, didn't even care. Never knew that Matthew had been so isolated and just went about their lives without a second thought.

Then with each text came questions to know why this was being asked. So everyone had to dish out an explanation over and over and it felt like an admittance of their neglect and the price they had to pay.

"Look on the bright side," Antonio said. "At least now that everyone knows, everyone can keep an eye out!"

"I hope they all feel as guilty as we do," Arthur spat. "No one knows where Matthew moved because no one was paying attention. With the start of schooling in September everything lines up but please tell me why not one single sodding person can say 'Oh yes, he moved to this campus?'"

At least it lined up with September. Colleges began in late August to early September so that was the explanation, right? Where else was there for Matthew to go?

Even if there was no hint of Matthew even showing an interest in college in his few select diary entries - torn out and crumpled. Arthur hoped they were in the bin because they were the worst that Matthew had written. Maybe he wrote about his interests and where he was going in the part of the diary that he still had with him.

"Maybe he just forgot to tell anyone?" Gilbert suggested as he skulled the rest of his punch and stumbled off his chair to get a refill. "Maybe, maybe he was so busy that he just forgot to mention it! Or it's an epic prank! There's no way someone as awesome as Mattie would get ignored by erryverone."

'Yes way,' Alfred thought as he stared at his own glass of punch. He wanted to reject what Matthew had written about him and forget about it... but because it was Matthew who had written it and never intended for anyone to see it, Alfred knew it was the truth. 

Alfred really didn't like the way Matthew saw him but he knew it wasn't Matthew he should blame. Not kind, patient, Matthew who had always been there for him... And now Alfred was just trying to think of one instance when he didn't brush his brother off.

"I don't think we're going to get anywhere tonight," Arthur was distraught as he rubbed at his face. "So I'm going to go to bed and I'll get back to this in the morning with a fresh mind. We're all sleep deprived so you should all do the same..." Arthur glanced at the punch he believed to be purely energy drinks, "if you can."

"Oh, we will! We'll sleep so super hard that we'll be super hard detectives tomorrow!" Gilbert collapsed into his seat and spilled some punch on the table. His laugh was way too loud as Arthur stared him down and Gilbert used his sleeve to wipe up the mess.

"Look at you, you definitely could use some rest," Arthur completely misread Gilbert's behaviour as he brushed past, taking Matthew's last items with him. 

"Wait! Where are you taking them!" Alfred went to snatch them from Arthur who held them back with a scowl.

"I'll put them somewhere safe. Don't you worry. Now, goodnight everyone."

Everyone returned the sentiment, except Alfred who pressed his mouth shut and watched his brother go.

Then with Arthur gone, they just looked at each other and pushed down the 'lost' feeling that was creeping up on them. Even Gilbert, who always wanted to have fun when he could was really struggling to keep a steady smile on his face.

Antonio went to say something, his posture resigned and respectful but Gilbert cut in.

"Okay, I won't deny this fucking sucks biiiiig time, but we've got tomorrow and I just know that we'll find Mattie somewhere- maybe we could go hit up all the campuses and knock on all the dorms, someone's gotta know something it shouldn't be too hard and then we'll use the powers of our awesome friendship to help Mattie feel better and we'll say sorry and we'll fix everything!"

Everyone kinda just mumbled an agreement with hopes they urged to get up. Even if that was a solution, the current predicament was just too... deep. Could everything be fixed with a 'sorry' and just acting like proper friends? Like they should've been this whole time? Alfred liked to think he was the hero friend who always looked out for others and saved those he cared about but now he felt like a big fucking fraud because he didn't even know his own twin needed saving.

"So how about for now we finish this-" Gilbert held up the punch bowl, swaying dangerously due to the alcohol "-and sleep tight so we're the best most awesome detectives for tomorrow?"

"Yeah fuck it, we'll feel better if we're sloshed," Alfred held up his glass before skulling it. He was all for distracting himself. When he and Gilbert agreed on something, the others followed. 

Not that it was a hard choice for them. It was a toss-up between doing the 'responsible' thing and going to bed on time while feeling completely miserable... or...

They did shots of the rest of the punch while standing on the curb so they wouldn't disturb Arthur... at least intentionally. When all of them banded together they were somehow able to salvage the mood and have a few laughs as by just the merit of having company, they were able to chase off guilt.

Then a horrible realisation came to Alfred.

"Fuck!" he knew his voice was too loud so he pulled everyone in closer to hear him right. But as he tugged his friends he stumbled and crashed into Francis, almost toppling him over. "Fuck, sorry, hang on. I just realised that we're gonna need energy drinks for tomorrow!"

Eyes with wide pupils stared into him.

"And we just- we'd drank them alllll so we have none energy drinks for tomorrow! We need to be focussssed tomorrow! And find Mattie!"

Everyone saw the problem.

⊱֍⊰

After an impromptu trip to whatever store was closest and open 24/7, they had replenished their stock of energy drinks and tried their best to put them in the fridge for the morning without Arthur overhearing. 

Then Alfred was left alone when everyone went to change for bed and it took no time at all for the cold to creep into him now that the distractions had left. His bed was big and his room was empty. His brain wasn't.

And then he was pacing his room, back and forth back and forth back and forth, every turn made him tipsy because he drank the punch that packed a punch and it felt like with each turn he was actually going in circles like some kind of wind-up toy. Circles that spiralled down into an inevitable crash.

He regretted drinking, just a little. Actually a lot. If only he wasn't alone right now, maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

He was crashing into Arthur's door to open it and knocked his shoulder on the doorframe as he let himself in.

Arthur groaned at being stirred and cracked an eye open when someone collapsed onto his bed beside him. He already knew who it was.

"Fuck your bed is so comfy," Alfred groaned and didn't move from where he collapsed.

"And so's your bed so..." Arthur groaned. "Why don't you get back to that?"

"But Artie," Alfred spoke into the covers. There was no follow-up to his protest.

Arthur assumed that after so long without sleep his brother was just crashing... and... Alfred hated to be alone and after everything that happened Arthur felt that maybe he should be a better brother.

"Fine, get in then. Hurry up so I can go back to sleep. I was almost asleep you know."

Alfred mumbled thanks and, with great effort, struggled to get under the covers beside his brother.

Just when Arthur thought that was the end of it, he was proven wrong. Keep in mind he was rapidly approaching 'so tired it hurts'.

"Should we go to the police?" Alfred's voice was hesitant and missing its usual hope. "Cus if it's nothing... then it'll be nothing and we'll know it's nothing but at least we'll know, but if it's not nothing..."

Alfred trailed off. He didn't have to say that something wasn't sitting right because they both felt it.

"Don't worry about it Alfred," Arthur put authority into his voice, "I'll make the right call in the morning."

⊱֍⊰

So, Arthur, having been the only one not to drug himself the night before had no problem waking up when his alarm rang out the next morning. Alfred continued to sleep, undisturbed. He could sleep through just about anything and didn't understand that wasn't the rule for everyone. That was one of the many tensions between Arthur and his younger brother that surfaced over the years and it took Arthur a lot of restraint not to use this moment as an opportunity to teach a lesson.

So instead he changed out of his pyjamas and opened his curtains before going to make himself a mug of coffee.

Just because he didn't drug himself didn't mean he got a good night's sleep. He actually didn't mean to grab coffee and groaned when he sipped and realised. But he did need the coffee, so he'd just have to make a tea after.

And then, mental note to self, he'd also have to brush his teeth after. He knew his tea drinking problem was a little out of control but heaven forbid it stained his teeth. That would be the last thing he needed, yet another reason for people to gang up on him. Har Har, British teeth, he could see the joke now and even though it hadn't even begun he could feel his eyebrow twitch as he imagined it being said to him.

But he wasn't worried about just his teeth. Arthur was worried about Matthew. Very much. His guilty feet led him into Matthew's empty room.

It had an eerie air to it and it made him uncomfortable, likely the guilt. Because someone's sibling just up and leaving without being noticed wasn't normal at all and being unreachable wasn't normal either.

Arthur pulled a face as he reached for the still-closed and dust-covered curtains. The least he could do was let some light in. For both literal and metaphorical reasons. One, it would kill dust mites. Two, bathing Matthew's former room in darkness like it was just some dirty forgotten secret or something to hide felt wrong. The light was blinding as he pulled the curtains back and his eyes adjusted... then Arthur noticed something.

On the ledge of the window was a stuffed polar bear. Wrapped around its paw was a ribbon with a poor excuse of a bow - perhaps hastily attached, tethering a note to the bear.

Arthur recognized the bear, because how couldn't he? He'd seen it so many times before, in the loving arms of its owner; Arthur's youngest brother. Matthew loved the thing to bits. After many years of love, it had seen better days but Matthew couldn't be separated from it no matter how many times Arthur insisted his brother ditch it. It was times like that when Matthew's fierce and stubborn nature shone just as brightly as Alfred's and Arthur learnt very quickly just to let it go and let Matthew keep the bear he loves so much.

And yet it was here. 

Without Matthew.

Arthur picked the bear up carefully and brought it to the kitchen. He felt nervous so he put his mug down and stilled himself. He bit his quivering lip as he tentatively brushed the dust and lint stuck on the bear's head.

"Now what are you doing here?" He muttered to the unresponsive bear as he untied the ribbon. "Why would you be left there? Don't tell me you were forgotten... No, you couldn't be. This note had to be placed intentionally. Too bad you can't tell me who it's for."

Maybe the note would tell him. Arthur paused with the note still rolled as he held it in his shaking hand.

This note was the last hope at a lead and the most likely to be direct communication from Matthew. The diary entries were communication, but that wasn't to anyone in particular. This note made his stomach uneasy. But Arthur wasn't one to put things off. He unrolled it.

[Dear Kuma
Thanks for always being with me. I don't think I could've made it through without you.
I'm so sorry I have to leave you behind. I love you and I'll always love you. But you can't come with me.
You're a part of this life and I need to leave this life behind. So I can't take you where I'm going. I'm sorry for leaving you behind. 
I promise that

<3 Matthew]

The writing... just stopped...

Wait... Arthur didn't entertain the idea that-

It wasn't that they didn't notice Matthew leaving-

Matthew didn't want to be noticed! He ran away! He left them behind-!

And there was this rising panic in Arthur's chest as an idea came to him-

The implications that came with that were so much worse than anything he had previously theorised.

He turned abruptly and knocked his mug from the counter. It smashed and Arthur swore. Sharp shards scattered across the floor and hot coffee stained his pants. With the note still in hand he jerked to pick up the pieces and wipe up the mess as he thought about what needed to be done.

But the thoughts weren't coming easily so he kept cleaning. He used a cloth to wipe up the coffee and then picked up all the little shards so no one would get hurt. And then if only out of habit, he made himself a mug of tea. At least now he was calm, or at least close enough to fool anyone.

So with a mug in hand and regretfully, a now crinkled note in hand, Arthur went to wake Alfred.

Waking Alfred was difficult but at least it didn't come to pouring tea on him. Arthur was tempted because he needed Alfred up. Now.

"Whasssss" Alfred swayed as he pushed himself up and Arthur was frustrated because his brother wasn't immediately sharp first thing in the morning.

"Read this." He gave Alfred the note. "It's distressing and if you've come to the same conclusion I did then we have a fucking big problem."

Okay. Arthur couldn't fool himself into thinking he was calm. His tone was biting and he was swearing. His hand jerked as he went to drink from his mug and tea spilled on his hand. He was so focused on wiping the tea with a tissue that he didn't notice Alfred's reaction until he was in a state of near panic. Arthur cursed and put the mug down.

"Are you bloody serious? Calm yourself, Alfred," Arthur tried to take the note but Alfred wasn't letting go. "I'm sorry, I should've thought before making you read it- I should've- Pull yourself together lad!"

"Is he dead?" Alfred was gasping for air and trembling. "Did he fucking kill himself?"

"I don't know- I don't think he did," Arthur pulled his brother into a suffocating hug as if he could put him to sleep with the strength of his desperate arms. Time for that infamous stiff upper lip. He needed to comfort Alfred, now, because he felt like he was the cause of his younger brother's distress. "No. He didn't, alright? Maybe he just meant this town or something. I don't know-"

"But he left-! He said he left- that he had to get away. He had to leave! Why did he have to leave? Arthur! What does this mean?! Where did he have to go-?!"

"Why the bloody hell would I know-?!"

"So you don't know?! You don't know if he's- he's dead?! Arthur?! What the fuck- what the fuck does this mean?!" 

Maybe Arthur should slap Alfred because that always worked in the movies. Or maybe Arthur could feel Alfred's contagious panic and couldn't think straight either.

Because Arthur had come to the same conclusion... that Matthew had killed himself He didn't want to entertain the thought at all but shamefully he had to admit there were signs that put his brother at risk and Arthur just ignored them. It would make too much sense if Matthew had ended-

"Where's the rest of it?! It just ends?! Arthur, what the fuck- Mattie?! -and who's this for? Who the fuck's Kuma?!"

There was too much for Arthur to focus on. So instead of giving in to the overwhelming feelings demanding too much from him, he focused on what he could answer.

"Kuma's the fucking bear you twit! That sodding stuffed polar bear that Matthew never went anywhere without! I just found the bear with this note in his room and here I am telling you about it!"

Sure, it was something he could answer, but with his heightened stress it wasn't something he could answer nicely. He hoped Alfred would understand later. He hoped he could forgive himself later too. Even as Arthur said the words he didn't want to be angry.

"Of course I know about his stupid fucking bear now why the fuck was it in his room?! How the fuck was it in his room?! We looked everywhere so how comes you found it?!"

Alfred was getting angry too and it only made Arthur feel more intense.

"I don't see how it matters but this was left behind and now I think this is way more serious than we initially thought."

"No fucking shit!" Alfred was finding it hard to wrap his head around as thick blood pumped painfully through his skull along with loud and scary thoughts. His hands shook as he held his head as if to contain them. "But- Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe- maybe- I don't know, why the fuck would Mattie write to his teddy bear?"

"Why would I know?" Arthur forced himself to take a deep breath. "Because he loves it, apparently, hence why he wrote the note for the bear-"

"Why didn't he leave us notes?!" Alfred was crying and he fucking hated it and his fingers were numb as he wiped away at his face. "Why the fuck wouldn't he leave us notes?! Arthur! Is he dead?! If he was going to kill himself wouldn't he tell us?! I don't want him to be dead! He can't be dead! Arthur-!"

Alfred gasped when Arthur slapped him. The wasn't even a second of silence before Alfred slapped him back and Arthur staggered back. Then they were fighting on the floor.

"You need to calm down!" Arthur insisted as his hand formed a fist-

"Are you fucking serious?!" Alfred caught Arthur's fist and pulled his hair- "How the fuck can I calm down! Why don't you calm down first asshole! You know exactly what that note looks like! What the fuck can it be if it's not-"

"I don't know!" Arthur kneed Alfred only to be kicked onto the bedside table. "Think Alfred! If he died somehow surely someone would've knocked on the door to inform us!"

"But we're adults now so why the fuck would they- no, FUCK! What if they never found him!?"

"Alfred listen to me now and listen to me well-" Arthur demanded as he and his brother continued to try and push/hit/punch/slap the other. "-I've already made up my mind. We need to go to the police and file this as a missing persons case and explain to them how serious this really is-"

"Because he fucking killed himself, right? He fucking killed himself and we didn't even know and it's our fault, right? Because-" 

"Breathe!" Arthur commanded. "He's just missing! He can't be dead and I'll find a way to prove it! I'll research for as long as it takes but he can't be dead. He just can't."

Arthur snatched the note and read it over, desperately looking for any clues. But there was more evidence for Matthew... dying than being alive.

But he needed to lie to Alfred. Because his younger brother needed to calm the bloody hell down!

'You're a part of this life and I need to leave this life behind. So I can't take you where I'm going. I'm sorry for leaving you behind.'

A big red flag. But Arthur wasn't going to say anything until it was confirmed that- if Matthew was dead. Until that moment, Arthur was going to do everything he could to soothe everyone else because the dread that consumed him was unbearable and if he could spare his last remaining brother such pain... spare everyone else such pain... then it would be his burden to bear alone.

"Of course, I see it now. He's certainly alive. Clearly, he just had a mental break after graduating and suddenly needed to spend this year seeing new things. You know, like a midlife crisis of sorts. It happens all the time."

Arthur folded and pocketed the note to keep it from prying eyes. Those eyes being Alfred's - wide and vulnerable and hopeful.

"Obviously something happened and we missed the signs, but I can assure you he's not dead. He must've just written this for 'Kuma' because he didn't want to take his childhood teddy bear with him. You know how much that thing means to him and he likely thought he didn't want to damage it. Or perhaps he wanted to separate from the bear so he could grow and learn independence. Maybe that's what he meant by 'this life' because he associated it with childhood."

Arthur was trying to convince himself just as much as Alfred. The words were just falling from his mouth in an attempt to say something that sounded sure.

It took a couple of moments before things stabilised and Alfred felt like shit. Physically. He felt like curling up like a dead spider and staying in the fetal position for the rest of his life.

"I could really use some pain-killing drugs... and some H-2-O." Maybe he shouldn't have drunk alcohol last night... but that was the least of his regrets.

"Well get to it already so we can go to the police," Arthur sighed. "I'm just waiting for you to get ready so hurry up."

"Wait," Alfred stared towards the door and tilted his head. "So are the others already ready then... do they know about the note?"

"No. I don't think I'll be showing it to them," Arthur said blatantly. It wasn't a matter of 'don't think' because he knew he wouldn't be showing this note around lightly. "As far as I'm aware they're still in bed. Or at least I hope... I realise we weren't exactly conscious of our volume during our squabble."

"Yeah maybe don't show them the note... I kinda feel bad about reading it because it was for Kuma... where is Kuma?"

"In the kitchen-"

Alfred was gone.

Alfred stumbled in and saw the bear and something hurt inside him. When he saw that stuffed polar bear, all he could think about was his Mattie. He wanted to grab it and squeeze it because it was his twin's and now Alfred was without his twin! But he didn't want to touch it so he just settled for getting water with a shaking hand as he couldn't look the bear in the eye but couldn't tear his eyes away either.

"I'm ready," Alfred claimed when Arthur walked in with a shoulder bag, ignoring the water running down his chin and arm. 

"Good, let's go," Arthur grabbed the keys and was almost to the door when Alfred realised-

"Wait, where are the others?"

"Hopefully still in bed," Arthur stated. "It's just us going. This is a family matter."

"What?!" Alfred's voice spiked. "But they need to know-"

"We can tell them after. I don't see why we need to crowd the police station-"

"But what if they want to come! They care too!" Alfred was pacing and his arms were flailing. "Did you even ask? You can't just decide for everyone! I'm going to ask-!"

Arthur tried but couldn't stop Alfred from barging into the spare room where there were three guests, sitting very awkwardly on the bed. Their faces looked torn and twisted and Arthur knew they heard.

"Great! You guys are ready. We're gonna go to the police station to report this as a missing person thing because, uh- Anyway, you guys wanna come, right?"

Arthur needed another cup of tea. Maybe medicinal herbal this time... it wasn't for him.

Because of course, everyone wanted to come. You know what? Arthur wanted to yell and fight and was going to slap them too. He wanted to scream until his throat was raw. He was full of rage and anger and had nowhere to direct it. But it was obvious that it was overflowing inside him and he wasn't sure how long he could contain it. This worry was tearing him apart.

Chapter Text

One day, Matthew just... turned off and shut down. Like a switch had been flipped somewhere deep inside and he didn't know how to turn it back on because it just really wasn't as straightforward as flipping a physical switch. He didn't know if there even was a way to go back and fix himself, change himself back into what he was expected to be... 

But not what he wanted to be, because his choice never mattered. He wasn't supposed to have wants, a message reinforced over and over again, beating the message into him over the years. It was never explicitly said but he knew that if he wanted something then people saw him as selfish...

Nothing was ever explicitly said but he still felt like a trained dog. It worked. He broke. He was broken and with each day that became more and more obvious as the shattered shards dug further in and he bled. He couldn't deny that his existence just wasn't right.

Matthew couldn't feel anything anymore. Years and years of trying to be noticed and 'earn' the love of everyone around him who gave it so freely to others but never to him... Matthew was tired. He had given up so much of himself and so much of his life in the pursuit of belonging and it was all for nothing. One day he just woke up with the harsh realisation that no matter what he did, some part of him down to the very core of who he was... just wasn't welcome here.

Not that he was unwelcome... just simply not embraced... like everyone else was.

And it was a feeling he had been fighting with misplaced optimism for a long, long time. There was no big 'aha' moment. Just one day he woke up and he couldn't convince himself otherwise that everything he had been desperately trying to delude himself with was the truth. That everything was okay and he was okay.

Because it wasn't. He wasn't. No matter how hard he tried he was still left aching and nobody was going to soothe that ache, let alone even notice it. Despite the fact they caused it. 

So Matthew switched off and stopped trying, catching no one's attention. No one was looking. No one noticed. The inkling that he'd been forcefully shoving down for years finally couldn't be ignored any longer as reality dropped a cold bucket of water on his head. He was invisible. Nothing he could do would ever change that.

It hurt. And he was empty. Every ounce had been drained from him and he just stopped working. He couldn't function like he used to. He didn't even feel like a person anymore. He had the features that resembled a human but in place of where his humanity should be, he just felt a stark... emptiness. He was a vacuum. He had no idea how to fill it. He once thought he knew and that living, being accepted like everyone else was the answer but now it was just an impossibility. He would never, will never get to have what everyone else was just given.

He felt alienated and he couldn't stand it. Why was he singled out and why was it something that couldn't be fixed? That ache ate him alive. Swallowed him whole. It was unfair and he wanted more than anything to make it fair. A fantasy and he knew it, but he still yearned.

They were adults now if only the technicality of the law. Eighteen was a teen and that was still a child. But Matthew still hated how it took him until he was eighteen to realise. After eighteen years of simmering under the surface, gradually gaining heat and traction as one small revelation led to another and eventually he was a frog in a pot of boiling water and he couldn't deny that the water burned any longer.

So to save his own skin he jumped out of the water but things weren't any better, there was no greener grass. He had been irreversibly damaged by the boiling water and he couldn't feel the difference being out of the water, if there was any difference at all.

And now he was stuck that way. Nothing changed, not even when everyone walked across that graduation stage and then ran off to start their real lives. It was the final nail in the coffin and all it did was confirm his world view and with great apathy, he didn't even feel anything at being right.

Should he be mad at them for using and discarding him without even caring? Or should he be mad at himself for letting it happen? Because he let it happen. It didn't happen to others simply because they just didn't allow it, right? He couldn't find the energy to be mad at all. He felt nothing. He was nothing.

Months had passed and it was quite the change since leaving school. Everything that had been his reality until then was ripped away and now Matthew was left in a new world. It was a funny feeling. Everyone he knew was taking it in stride and moving onwards and upwards. Free at last from the system and environment that defined their life until now.

But the cruel revelation of his life held him in place because he needed to mourn the years he lost chasing something he could never reach.

He rotted alive. 

Until one day he could mourn no longer.

Like a rubber band pulled taunt, held at maximum tension and strained, it was only a matter of time before it couldn't hold its shape anymore. He snapped. 

Snapped. That made it sound violent and bad. It wasn't in fact; it was inspirational. He couldn't mourn any longer. Couldn't wait and was finally filled with an urgency to move before it was too late because he couldn't take another second.

Matthew had been giving away his possessions and slowly dwindling his room down to nothing. If a few short trips he passed on everything to thrift stores and charities. He had no use for anything. He was more than ready to leave this life behind. Some vindictive part of him thinks that if they do find out he's gone, he didn't owe them any closure or explanation. Bitterly, he hoped it caused them even the slightest amount of distress that he'd been put through his entire life and in an ironic turn of events, they chased him.

Worst of all, that was all he had ever wanted... until now. He couldn't bear seeing them again. He'd snapped now. No longer a useful rubber band. Thinking about trying to be useful again made him sick.

Matthew's room now just looked like a guest room. Fitting, since he felt like a guest in his own life. Was this because he didn't want to bother anyone with cleaning it out after? Or malicious compliance in some sort of way, making this whole scenario that everyone was oblivious to into some giant metaphor? He doubted anyone would give it a second thought. As if he would get the satisfaction of people reading into anything instead of just shrugging it off.

Regardless, Matthew left some strategic things there to be found, but only if someone cared enough to actually look for them. Despite his earlier decisiveness, Matthew spent longer than he would have liked debating what to leave. Even with his looming hope to be free, he still couldn't leave something that hadn't been thoroughly considered and censored. It made him feel ashamed, but he just didn't trust anyone with the full truth. He'd never been validated before and all he could picture was dismissal. He could never let himself be honest with them, it scared him too much, even in the face of finality.

But no matter how Matthew felt, he wouldn't be here to see any reaction. For better or worse. He wasn't a slave to their emotions and he'd done enough walking on eggshells. Besides, there was a chance he would just... fall out of their memory and they'd never even realise he left or find his clues. Matthew didn't know what he'd prefer, but strangely enough, he felt nothing when thinking about it. He could take either outcome because he didn't have to take the outcome. It didn't matter. Nothing did.

Leaving things behind was stupid but Matthew imagined he did that because even if these people didn't love him, he loved them. So much that it had hurt. So much that he had ruined himself or rather, they ruined him. Maybe both. Despite logic urging him to, he couldn't turn his bittersweet feelings off towards the only people he ever knew. Logic said to hate them, human complexity made him feel like throwing up.

Matthew felt weak to still want love and approval even though he knew he wouldn't get it. It made him feel worthless, even more so now that he was aware of it. 

But Matthew couldn't mourn any longer. Decisiveness spurred him onwards.

If they wanted to, they'd find out what happened. Maybe. 

But little did they know they had already seen him for the last time. 

Chapter Text

Talking to the police was exhausting and since Arthur was the only one with both stable energy and brain cells, it fell to him to do most of the talking. Having the big group of tag-alongs there helped if only by pressuring him to act as refined as possible so he didn't embarrass himself in front of them and give them more ammo to use against him.

But that was just reflexive paranoia. Arthur really doubted anyone would use his nervousness against him today. Not when it was so extremely valid and felt throughout the group, lingering like a ghost. 

Arthur had brought the art book and screwed up papers too... for evidence. Though he really hated the idea of having more people see what his very private brother left behind... he reminded himself it was necessary. When he handed over Kuma's note he couldn't help but think that when he saw some of those artwork pictures... there was an inexplicable sinking feeling that he just knew they weren't for a grade. He made the right call in not showing everything the night before to the group.

Arthur really felt like a fuckup. But he wouldn't let anyone cotton onto that with his 'keep calm and carry on' attitude. Now was the time for making progress. Crying about it wouldn't help. He had to keep himself calm so the others wouldn't get in his way of what he needed to achieve.

At least the police were taking this seriously. Some pessimistic part of Arthur feared that because of Matthew's age being a legal adult, the police would take one look and simply state they'd 'keep an eye out for him' as if the severity of this was debatable. As if any of this was normal and nothing to worry about and not life-threatening. As if this wasn't shattering Arthur's fragile world and the shards were digging into his heart.

But with all the signs pointing to Matthew having a mental health episode the police worked quickly and everyone was promptly split up to be questioned. The questions were extremely uncomfortable and did not steer away from confronting a potential suicide. Arthur felt like he was going to be sick as he walked back into the foyer with the questions and his answers ringing in his head. He wasn't the only one who looked seconds away from vomiting or fainting. Perhaps both.

The others must still be in questioning because it was just Gilbert sitting, hunched over with a harrowing expression. Arthur sat next to him but had nothing to say. His tongue felt too heavy and with a blank mind, there was nothing he could think to say.

"Fuck," Gilbert muttered with force as he took a swig from a water bottle that he didn't have earlier. Gilbert's knee was bouncing like he was about to burst. "They sent me out here."

Well, that explained why Gilbert wasn't being questioned. Arthur could see how his restlessness wouldn't be too helpful. Gilbert hadn't read the letter to Kuma, but Arthur could tell that from the questions that had been asked, he understood precisely what was at stake. Maybe that realisation sinking in was causing Gilbert to become so agitated now and the police couldn't work with him.

"I was staring at him this whole time," Gilbert cringed as he ran his hands through his hair, "and I didn't even notice..."

"At least you were looking," slipped some Arthur's spiteful mouth. Arthur couldn't think of what he was doing at the time now he looked back. He knew that it had to have been something he considered pressing and decided to prioritise then, but now he felt so foolish.

That admittance of neglect almost made his feeling of sickness become a reality but fortunately, an officer came up to him with a request he was too eager to fill. Having access to the states's death records, Arthur had to recite the spelling of his little brother's name and date of birth while fighting bile because he dreaded this answer.

Arthur needed Matthew to be alive. He would give up tea for life as long as Matthew was alive. He'd let Alfred move out for Matthew to be alive. He'd let Francis in his kitchen every single day for Matthew to be alive. He wouldn't interfere with whatever was going on between Francis and Alfred as long as Matthew was alive. Arthur wouldn't even care about why this happened as long as Matthew was alive. Because he needed Matthew to be alive. He needed it more than oxygen. He needed Matthew to be alive. If he wasn't here he needed to be alive. That thought was the only thing repeated in his mind as every second was one second too long keeping him from the answer.

"Fortunately, I'm not seeing any records for this name."

It should be relieving, but the way that it was said had Arthur waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"What do you mean 'for that name'? What other name could he be under, since you're implying he could be dead under another name. Why would he be under any other name-?"

"Sir, when people die they usually get identified so not seeing his name here is a really positive thing-"

"But?" Arthur's voice reflected his desperation. "You're not going to say that's conclusive?"

"It's not conclusive. There's a chance -keep in mind a very extremely slim chance- that if Matthew died he was never identified. This rarely happens but it usually just depends on how the person died. I seriously doubt that he would've gone unidentified but we can't rule it out."

Despite being explicitly told that the odds were in Matthew's favour, Arthur couldn't feel his hands. But he could feel his stomach and it was churning.

"I can check if there have been any unidentified bodies in the morgues in this district that match Matthew's description," the officer offered, though the offer was more a formality because already knowing Arthur's answer, the officer went ahead and did just that.

Arthur focused on keeping his hands rested on the counter because if he didn't his stomach was going to lurch into his throat and out his mouth. It came close when Alfred walked in and Arthur caught his eye and knew his brother wasn't dealing with this any better. At least Francis and Antonio came in a moment later and were able to keep the others company.

"No one with Matthew's description and demographic parameters needs identifying," the officer said in a tone that was meant to be conclusively reassuring. "Should I give your contact to the morgues if someone does come up and need to be identified-?"

"Please."

It was good. This was good news. That's what Arthur told himself over and over as he swallowed thickly and tried to relax his tense hands. This was good because it meant that Matthew had to be alive. He had to be.

But... Arthur really hated his over pragmatic mind for being able to think of everything when situations called for it so once he had the thought, he knew his stomach wasn't going to settle. The police can only help if a body has been found. What if Matthew...

No, it could mean he's alive. It has to mean he's alive and not rͥ͏̀͠͏otẗ̹ĭ̮̟̳͗̒͜n̘ͥg̯̀͂̚ somewhere with bugs crawling over unseeing eyes-

Keep calm and carry on. Arthur would be dammed if he let anyone know what he was thinking because surely he was overthinking and that would certainly be embarrassing when Matthew was proven to be alive.

With promises to call if they found anything, the officers filed the missing persons case. But Arthur would be damned if he thought there was nothing left for him to do.

Everyone piled back into the car in eerie silence, now drained and contemplative. Everyone knew that Matthew was probably not dead, and that was very relieving but it certainly wasn't something to celebrate. Because he was still gone. It was reassuring that he was alive but without him here... it was like he had died. It felt like he died and now they were mourning.

Arthur ran a hand through his hair and pulled as he kept thinking about it against his will. There was nothing to mourn. 

There was no fighting for the front seat. Everyone sat in the same spot they drove there in. Antonio was in the front, though his job as a navigator was redundant because Arthur knew how to get to his own home. But Antonio still felt the need to try and remain positive.

Arthur's eyes were narrowed on the road when Antonio spoke up, his tone sympathetic and pissing Arthur off.

"I couldn't imagine if it was one of my brothers-"

"Well be grateful that it's not." Arthur shut it down. Or tried to.

"Right. Just stay strong amigo," Antonio wrung his hands together. He couldn't imagine if it was one of his half-brothers but he knew himself and he'd do everything that could for the one that remained. He also knew that the not knowing would eat him alive too. "You have all of us on your side and I'm sure with time we'll get answers."

"Oh, you're sure?" Arthur cocked his head to the side condescendingly, despite in his mind Antonio being the one condescending with his blatant lies. "I'm so glad you think so."

Arthur didn't even feel like a person now. Just like a dog that only knew how to bark. He could feel it coming on and couldn't make himself stop as be began to tear into Antonio.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred could feel himself tuning out the blooming fighting in the front. No one had the energy to chip in.

"Need me to hold your hand?" Gilbert's smirk was weak and his voice was reluctant but nothing would ever stop him from joking. Not that his offer was a joke, with an outreached hand he leaned towards Alfred.

"Nah," Alfred struggled to vocalise as his limbs felt like lead and his body weighed down in the seat, almost like he was being swallowed.

"You sure? That's what besties are for," Gilbert's eyes crinkled as he jabbed Alfred's side. "And Francis can hold your other hand~"

A little jolt of electricity ran through Alfred at the words and then he couldn't keep his fingers still.

"You just need your hand held, don't you?" He weakly quipped as if that was the reason for changing his mind.

Alfred held his hands out and let his friends on either side take them.

Gilbert squeezed his hand tightly as if he were trying to hurt him. Alfred didn't care because while it was certainly edging towards painful, it was more comforting than anything. Plus he couldn't really feel it.

Meanwhile, Francis's hands were nice and soft. Hands plural because Francis grabbed Alfred's hand with both of his and wrapped his fingers around with a sense of security. If Alfred could feel his fingers he'd probably be worried that he was sweating, or squeezing Francis' hand too hard or not hard enough. He tried not to move his hand too much and just kept it in place as Francis warmed it.

Alfred needed a distraction. 

Because he and Gilbert were best friends, Gilbert knew about Alfred's crush. He had told Gilbert some while ago when his feelings first surfaced so he could pester him about Francis and have someone to talk to about it who was close to his crush. Also, because of that Alfred put up with a lot of helpful and unhelpful teasing, so he was kinda annoyed he had the opportunity to do the same... but didn't know it.

Why did Gilbert never tell Alfred about how he felt about Matthew?

"How comes you never told me you liked Matthew?" There was no accusation. Just stated. "I wouldn't have cared or judged or whatever. I could've helped."

Gilbert's face twisted as he shrugged and looked away.

"I don't think he knew until I told him," Francis said sympathetically. "That didn't happen until just before graduating..."

"You knew and he didn't?" Alfred really shouldn't be surprised, but still.

"It was obvious," Francis said with a little amusement. "So obvious that I think he just assumed you knew. That's what I did. I assumed Gilbert knew how he felt and... once I told him I figured you knew."

"Maybe I should've realised that when you never teased me about it," Gilbert speculated sheepishly. "I just thought you were being an awesome friend and trying to show you didn't actually mind..."

"It's too bad you didn't know, Alfred. Maybe you could've helped and seen if Matthew would've found an advance welcoming or not." Francis sighed tiredly at Gilbert. "He always came for my advice but then never took it."

"I was nervous okay? What if I didn't make an awesome impression!"

Somehow, talking about Matthew like this didn't make it hurt more. It didn't make it hurt any less, but Alfred was just glad to be talking about his brother in any way. It made it feel like his brother was still here and remembered.

Not forgotten for a month... and disappeared into thin air.

Distract yourself, Alfred!

"But why did it make you nervous? I've never seen you and nervous in the same room- wait, ugh. Y'know what I mean," Alfred pressed on. "I thought you and Mattie were friends so why didn't you have his number at least?"

Before it disconnected... for some reason.

Did Matthew purposely disconnect his number? He really didn't want to be reached, didn't want to see them ever again, he must hate them-

Distract yourself, Alfred!

"Well, I thought we were friends because we talked and stuff but it wasn't like we were friends friends... It's so not awesome that I didn't try harder," Gilbert sighed as he faltered. "I just was too much of a coward to make any move that might tip him off that I was into him... I didn't want to make things weird."

"If only I knew..." Alfred trailed off. The past tense was getting to him. "Then I could've investigated for you... and had brother talks with him about it and... yeah."

When the conversation reached an end, no one else had the energy to talk. The rest of the car ride was in silence until they got home.

Immediately Antonio claimed he needed a siesta and retreated to the spare room. No one blamed him, not when he seemed so down and battered from the argument he had with Arthur.

"I don't care who comes and goes from the house, just don't disturb me," Arthur demanded.

"Are you just gonna go back to work?!" The words fell from Alfred's mouth before he had time to screen them- and was embarrassed that his tone was much more needy than he would've liked. 

"No. I'm going to call in so I can try to rule out more possibilities," Arthur said tensely like he was trying not to snap. "Ugh, 'Call in'- I'm going to contact every morgue and whatever places that would hold death records I can find because the results we got this morning were only from inside that police jurisdiction or area or bloody whatever- I can't rest until it's ruled out and either you help me or stay out of my way."

Alfred didn't know what to say, his mouth moved and usually words came out when he did that but he was just hurt that just when they thought Mattie could be alive, Arthur was convinced he might not be.

"Ah-" Arthur winced and looked like he wanted to say something but then pulled at his hair before resolving to walk away. Then he stopped and pivoted back. "I'm sure he's alive because the police have networks and would be able to see death records from all over the country. So like they said, he isn't confirmed dead and it's highly improbable that he's... in need to be identified. But I can't rest because I still don't like not knowing where he is. I know you'll want to help so how about we take some time to regain ourselves and cool off and then we'll meet back here in, say, half an hour?"

Arthur didn't wait for a response, he just power-walked off and locked himself in his room.

"I kinda wanna join Toni with the siesta thing but I don't think I can sleep now," Alfred mumbled as he stood lifeless.

"Good thing your awesome thinking has us prepared," Gilbert's tone failed to sound like a joke as he grabbed the energy drinks from last night and handed them out. He cracked his open. "I'll race ya!"

Then Gilbert threw his head back and started drinking.

"Yeah. Race ya." Alfred repeated as his weak fingers couldn't open the drink. Then he clawed at it with his fingernails. Then he growled as he tried to get it with his teeth. Then as someone's hand tried to take it off from him Alfred jerked it away and pelted it onto the ground as he cursed. It exploded and got on the floor and his shoes and pants and he didn't really feel it because he was still cursing. It hurt his lungs but he continued to curse until-

"Fucking hell Alfred! What did you do?" Arthur was suddenly in front of him and getting into his space.

"Nothing! It fucking slipped!" Alfred grunted as he kicked the can and it continued to leak. "Fuck, now it's all over me!"

"Well, what did you expect- ugh! Just go shower! I said to calm down so we could actually focus on something productive but here you are just causing problems-"

"What are you trying to say asshole? That I always cause problems? Every problem? Are you fucking blaming me for Mattie leaving because that's real fucking rich! Go take a look in a mirror because maybe it's your fucking fault-"

It would've escalated a lot further a lot faster if it wasn't for the intervention of two bystanders who, instead of enjoying the drama found they could not because of the personal stakes and couldn't tolerate the rising conflict anymore.

"Woah, I get this sucks big time but didn't you just say we should all calm down?" Gilbert pulled Arthur to the side, ignoring any flailing limbs and insults. "How about you have a cup of tea? For some reason it makes you feel better. How would you feel if I said I've never tried tea before but I'll try it right now if you make one?"

Alfred would've kept yelling at Arthur as he was being dragged away if it weren't for Francis stepping between them and saying his name with his lovely French accent-

"Alfred breathe!" Francis's hands were pressing down on his shoulders and pushing him around the mess he made left to rot on the floor. "It's no one's fault. If Matthew was depressed then he would've done everything he could to hide it-"

"But we didn't notice it! I didn't notice it and-" 

"And it's not your fault, it's no one's fault-"

"FUCK! It fucking has to be! How can it be no one's fault!" Alfred's hands were clasped tightly onto Francis' arms. "It has to be someone's fault and Arthur's fucking blaming me!"

"He's not. He's just stressed," Francis' eyes were wide open as he insisted his point. "You're stressed and blaming Arthur but do you really mean it?"

"Yes! I mean probably!" Alfred couldn't catch his breath or control his volume. "Maybe it's both our faults cus we're such shit brothers! But Arthur's just fucking blaming me because he just thinks I'm such an asshole but he doesn't know that he's an asshole too!"

"No one's an asshole I promise," Francis was urging Alfred to believe him. "This is a horrible situation that hurts everyone."

Alfred could feel himself working himself into a frenzy as his breathing was becoming shallower and his hands cramping as they flew around and hit things he couldn't see.

And then Francis gave him a hug. Alfred would like to say it took all his worries away but it didn't, though it did take away the immediate edge as he slumped forward.

A wave of shame overcame him and his eyes itched borderline untolerably. With a sniffle, he scrubbed at them so hard that his vision temporarily went black.

"I promise I'm not actually an asshole! I don't know why- I just don't know why-"

"You're just stressed. No one's blaming you for being stressed. It's okay. Just - have a shower and put on fresh clothes and maybe you'll feel better. And if you don't I'll be here -ah, we'll all be here for you."

"Okay, alright, thanks for uh, not judging me and all cus yeah..." Alfred needed to lock himself in the bathroom before he embarrassed himself even more.

"I think even Arthur is exempt from being judged right now," Francis said humorlessly. "I'll make sure he's calmed down by the time you come out. Just take your time and come out when you're ready."

Usually, Alfred would be more embarrassed at being blatantly babied and would resist being told what to do, but his overwhelming shame and guilt said to just nod and comply before Francis thought he was more of a disastrous difficult catastrophe than he really was. 

With a door between them, Francis let his posture slouch as a breath of exhaustion escaped. His hands were shaking and thankfully Alfred didn't notice. Francis didn't think he could comfort Alfred if he didn't seem comfortable himself. Fake it until you make it.

At least Gilbert's massive self-confidence kept him from getting caught up and tangled by fear. It was clear he was stressed, but he was still able to see the humour like always. Francis came back into the kitchen to see Gilbert and Arthur arguing.

It wasn't proper passionate arguing (so you know it wasn't about tea), more just out of obligation and routine. Like pineapple on pizza- no, bad example, people actually get cutthroat over that. The argument was just more of a debate where the words being said were without any investment and just for the sake of talking. But it served a purpose to distract Arthur.

It distracted Gilbert too and since he wasn't personally invested in pissing off Arthur he would even admit that arguing with him was pretty fun. Now he could see what Alfred and Francis saw in the activity. 

Meanwhile, Francis wrapped his arms around his body as he watched the exchange and was struck by just how lifeless Gilbert's eyes were, lacking their usual spark. Francis wanted nothing more than to give his friend a hug and be a shoulder to share burdens but he knew not much could make this situation better. But he'd still try all he could and offer his shoulders to cry on. If he could make anything even just a little bit better and more tolerable, then maybe he could feel like he helped.

"Mind the mess," Arthur said as Francis came back. "I'll make Alfred clean it up when he comes back. Maybe that'll teach him some responsibility."

"Non, I'll do it," Francis said as he helped himself to the cleaning supplies.

Arthur went to say something against it- 

"It'll keep me busy," Francis asserted as he steadied his hands. "I'm sure he'll just feel bad when he sees it so it'll make me feel like I'm helping."

Arthur sighed but said nothing more. He understood.

"You should tell Alfred you don't really blame him," Francis added, his voice serious. "I don't think he blames you and he already blames himself. He just got upset because he thinks you're blaming him."

"But I do partially blame him!" Arthur groaned in frustration. "I blame myself too! We were living with Matthew and never noticed anything!"

"So it's my fault too?" Gilbert asked without any challenge, instead sensitive to the truth. He was already bracing for the news that it was his fault too.

"Yes! Yours and everyone's- It's everyone's fault," Arthur pressed a hand to his mouth as his voice became choked. 

There was a moment of silence.

"Maybe just tell Alfred that you don't blame him specifically," Francis suggested. "Tell him that you're frustrated and lashing out at everyone but... please don't make him shoulder the burden of completely blaming himself..."

Arthur hesitated before nodding and continued to drink his tea in silence.

After a couple of moments, Arthur had calmed and with some thought, his guilt could see that if he didn't make things right now then things could only get worse. That wouldn't be helpful. Now was time to act like a big brother and... maybe he shouldn't have snapped at Antonio because he did need to stay strong. He had to step carefully and act right. Set the example and whatnot.

But it would never make up for all the times he failed as the oldest.

"You're very mature," Arthur painfully admitted as he downed the last bit of his tea. "Hopefully, you'll be a good influence on Alfred."

"I'm sure you're all very surprised to know that I can't sleep," Antonio chuckled as he came back in. "This must be... trying times if I can't have a siesta..."

"Can't blame you, this is where all the action's happening," Gilbert chimed.

"Antonio..." Arthur was finding this whole 'act like a big brother' or just 'the bigger person' quite difficult. He poured himself more tea. "I'm sorry for earlier."

"No hard feelings amigo, I hear worse from Lovi," Antonio said with a light laugh that completely dismissed his brother's... well, everyone knew and loved Lovino. Arthur had to admit, he was glad that Lovino wasn't his brother otherwise he would've died of some kind of stroke years ago.

Alfred wandered into the room, looking much fresher but also much more reluctant. He kept his gaze on the ground and kept twisting his fingers together.

Arthur grabbed another energy drink from the fridge and opened it before handing it to Alfred.

"I'm sorry for my outburst earlier. I'm just very stressed and lashing out. So don't blame yourself." Arthur was going to get constipated at this rate. But he had to remind himself to keep calm and continue.

"Yeah I'm sorry too Arthur," Alfred took the drink with mumbled thanks.

"Good, now that's out of the way, how about we do what we can?"

⊱֍⊰

The morning was spent with Arthur making phone calls, so many that if it wasn't for his tea then his throat would've dried out from all the talking.

The others had a much easier job. Between taking calls Arthur instructed them to text everyone from the day before with a new update. Leaving out the details of how severe Matthew's mental health could possibly be to have done this, Arthur tasked everyone with sending a new message asking to contact them ASAP if they learn anything about Matthew at all.

Once that was taken care of the next thing was to post all over social media. Anywhere where it was appropriate to get the message out.

It was 24 hours after this had all started when they had done everything they possibly could've and all their energy was spent. Not one single call that Arthur had made brought bad news, which was the only silver lining to the whole situation. Because now it finally felt that without a shadow of a doubt, Matthew was alive. Somewhere out there.

But it went without saying that everyone still felt like he had passed because why else would they be mourning?

Only time would tell if anything came from their efforts. Still sensitive from the day's events, it was unanimously unsaid that no one wanted to be alone. So without any of the typical bickering, the group extended their sleepover and found temporary solace in gathering in the living room.

Everyone could use a distraction and being alone meant fending off one's guilt by themselves.

Chapter Text

Matthew thought it would be appropriate to kill himself, but truthfully he didn't entertain the idea for long. It wasn't that it would mess up everyone around him, but the fact that he didn't want to die made him hesitate. Sure, he had no future and nowhere to go, but Matthew didn't want anything anymore. He was empty and already dead. Anything that resembled life in him was just a twitch of his already cooling corpse, long gone. He went through the motions of acting like a person because he was obliged to and even that consumed more energy than he had to spare.

He didn't want anything, nothing appealed to him. Each day passed with the length of an hour and he let it, moving at the speed of flicking through an animated notebook. Days passed in a blink. Weeks fell through his hands like grains of sand. There was no grasping reality, no taking his life into his own hands. Everything went by him, faster and faster.

But he yearned. He yearned to live. To feel alive. Maybe that's why it had hurt so bad when it felt like he was a bird with clipped wings. He wanted to experience life to the fullest and here he was allowing himself to be held back. Restrained and pinned down by everyone in his life and once upon a time the weight had been comforting but now it was silent agony, stealing his breath and leaving him suffocating. He hated himself for ever even thinking it could be comforting.

Matthew wanted to live and be alive. But Matthew didn't know how to live. He could see others do it so effortlessly but he didn't know how to attain that. It was like everyone but him had the courage to jump off a cliff because they saw sparkling blue water with no rocks below. But for Matthew, that cliff was a chasm of uncertainty and he couldn't see the bottom.

Everyone else was jumping. He was wasting time. They cheered as they jumped. There was no hesitation but Matthew didn't understand it at all. He had spent so long helping everyone jump and drying them off once they got out of the water he had no idea what it was like to be the one jumping. He became so busy with helping everyone else that he forgot he had the opportunity to jump. The ability to.

He wanted to jump, didn't he? But he had left it so long that it intimidated him and he didn't know what to expect. Everyone knew how to jump and he didn't. Was it just ingrained in them? Was there something wrong with him because he didn't know how?

But he needed to. It was now or never and he couldn't forgive himself if past that dark chasm was his own sparking blue water. He needed to be in that sparking blue water. He wanted it more than oxygen and any tears he had were sparkling blue. When he stared at his reflection with contempt in the mirror all he could see in his eyes were sparkling blue.

Besides, if he jumped, that chasm would protect him. No one would see where he went then he would be free. It would mean that he couldn't go back and he could only keep moving forwards. He needed to take the plunge because as much as he wanted to be free he wanted to escape.

Matthew weighed it up. Yes. He'd give up everything he had until this point, everything he had been working for all his life and he'd throw it away and waste it if that meant he could succeed and he could fly. If he pulled it off, it would be worth it. 

But he still stood on the edge.

He supposed he could kill himself. Blatantly, it brought him comfort to think that no matter what, he could just die.

But if he was going to die, he might as well jump first. Because if he was going to die then what did it matter? Jump.

It was nothing personal. It never had been for them. Matthew would have some fond memories... and a lot of tarnished ones. There was no wool over his eyes. He could see there was nothing for him here if he stayed. He never belonged to begin with and he could finally see that here, with them was not his place. If he even had a place. He was out of breath from chasing and now he needed to refill his lungs with some clean air.

It wasn't enough for him to stay here and continue to live out his days in the background. Always a second thought and chasing love from those who meant the world to him... but... just couldn't even spare him anything.

He still loved them and it left him torn. Because he wanted to hate them more than he loved them. And he did. He hated them. But he also felt nothing. He didn't care at all. But he loved them. Despite knowing how he should feel, he was disappointed in himself for not treating them like the vultures they were. 

But he'd always be fond of them because, above all, he knew how to love. Even if 'love' meant tearing himself apart piece by piece. He'd let them pick at his flesh, his very being until there was nothing left. They'd eat away at him until there was nothing left yet he still held on day by day despite how tired he was as he was stripped. If it meant to set himself on fire just to keep them warm. 

Above all, he was forgiving. Good thing for that otherwise even a worm would turn. People saw him as docile and would never fear he would get fed up and could never get pushed too far. He stayed docile for them and it was never worth it. But he couldn't retaliate. All Matthew could do was turn on himself.

Matthew knew how to love everyone but himself, something he knew was impossible to learn in a suffocating and mundane environment... so he couldn't blame himself for how he turned out. He really did try his best and even if others could do better...

Matthew had tried to make peace that he had tried the best he could with the hand he was dealt. Life wasn't fair and he ended up with shit cards. But throwing away the cards was an option. He could drop them and he wouldn't have to play with them anymore.

Matthew was wasting time. When the 'nothing' feeling went away he was filled with the very sharp and demanding feeling of 'it's time to act, now'. He felt like an animal, with no thoughts only impulses. There was no saying 'no' and there never had been. He had never been allowed to.

But he had. He had always been allowed to say 'no' to himself.

Please say yes. Matthew pleaded with himself to put himself first, just for once and not feel guilty about it. Please do something that no one else would ever do for you. Care for yourself because no one ever fucking would.

The sharp urge calling him to act wouldn't release him. It took over his body and he couldn't be still. Not anymore. He needed to go. A raging fire had been lit by the fanatic urge that had possessed his body and the fire was closing in, pushing him forward and preventing him from going back, preventing him from staying. Pushing him towards a bridge that could only be crossed once and then he could never come back.

Why would he want to come back? He hated it here. He hated him here. He wanted to burn everything.

Matthew couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't. It was time to act and he was ready. He had to go now.

So he did it. There was something scarier than the chasm and the canyon of unknown comforted him with its siren's calls. Matthew couldn't resist. He didn't want to try. There was nothing to fight for here, he wasn't about to dig his heels in an attempt to stay. The pull was stronger than anything he had felt in his life and it invigorated him with promises of hope and change and was the only thing on his mind as he prepared for lift-off.

Matthew took the plunge.

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"Just because you're 21 doesn't mean you needed to order beer," Arthur tutted as he drove.

"It's a novelty!" Alfred exclaimed from his slumped position in the passenger seat. It had been a long day. "I can do it legally now-"

"Excuse me? Now? What are you implying?"

"Besides," Alfred ignored Arthur with a telling smirk. "You ordered beer!"

Arthur could argue, but his practised patience was paying off and he decided to let it go. He couldn't change what Alfred had done in the past... no one could change the past.

He breathed out a sigh and tightened his grip on the wheel.

"I'm surprised you can tolerate drinking anything other than water so soon. I saw how you were this morning... Aren't you ashamed you had to miss classes because you were so hungover?"

"I don't care about the missing class but damn after this morning I'm never getting that drunk again," Alfred groaned, still feeling the effects.

"Learn to say no to Gilbert's pressuring," Arthur smirked. "It's a pity you were blackout drunk because that likely means you can't remember that passionate kiss I was forced to witness between you and Francis-"

"WHAT?" Alfred lurched upright and the movement made him spin but he was too busy working himself into a frenzy because he needed the details and he really learnt his lesson about drinking because he felt worse the more energetic he got.

"-That didn't happen," Arthur corrected. "You just hit your head on the doorframe because you tried to hold the door open for him."

"Oh. So that's where that bruise came from..." Alfred muttered. But he shouldn't be disappointed because if he and Francis kissed he'd want to remember it...

The car pulled up in their driveway but Arthur didn't turn the engine off.

"You've never needed my approval before," he noted quietly. "So what's holding you back?"

"From what?"

"Don't tell me you're oblivious and I'm the one who has to help you realise your own feelings-" Arthur groaned. "Francis. It's obvious you like him. As much as he irritates me, well, it's not about me and I can tell he's... not that bad. Anyway, what's holding you back?"

"Uhhhhh," Alfred's eyes roamed around the car. "What makes you think I like like Francis? Like he's hot obviously but he's my friend so when I tell him he's sexy it's like in a friend way-"

"Why are you denying it? You told me, remember? I don't remember when but you told me you hated secrets and told me-"

"Oh yeah," Alfred chuckled sheepishly. "Oopsie. I forgor."

"Now what's holding you back?"

"I don't know?" Alfred shrugged and refused to think about it further than: "I'm a coward I guess? I know I've given Gil shit about waiting too long and uh, now look at his chances... Do you think if Gil had said something before he left that things might be different?"

Alfred didn't have to specify. No one ever had to. It was always just lingering at the back of their minds, no matter what distracted them.

"Who's to say? It's not good to linger on the past, Alfred."

"I know but... do you ever think about it?"

"Yes..." Arthur sighed and let his hands fall from the steering wall. "...All the time."

Alfred's mouth twisted as his vision became blurry and his eyes burned.

"Here's a hanky," Arthur mumbled as he held it out.

"I'm just hangover that's all," Alfred insisted as he took it anyway.

There was a moment of silence between them before Arthur broke it with a sigh of resolution.

"Alfred I need you to know how much you mean to me. We're all we have left and I need you to know I love you."

"Yeah, um, same," Alfred pushed past the embarrassment. Say the words. "I love you too."

Neither knew what to say after that and awkwardly waited for the other to pick up the conversation. But the talking had run its course.

"Can we go back in?" Alfred whispered. "I need to lay on the sofa or something."

"I just know you'll fall asleep and get a crick in your neck that you'll complain about all tomorrow," Arthur warned as he got out of the car anyway.

"I don't think I'll make it to my room," Alfred joked as he weakly swung the door shut. "I'm wasting away right now."

"You'll make it," Arthur said as he pushed Alfred ahead. 

Arthur habitually locked the car, checked the letterbox before shutting the door behind them and turning off the porch light. Then he locked the front door and continued pushing Alfred through the house.

"You're bigger than me not so I won't be carrying you like when you were a child," Arthur added as he went through the stack of letters. Then he stopped.

"Look here, birthday mail," Arthur picked out the postcard from the objectively uninteresting mail. "Get ready for bed and I'll give it to you."

"Huh?" Alfred said eloquently. "Birthday mail? Who does that? My phone works."

"Well, do you want to see the postcard from..." Arthur paused to read, "-Niagara Falls or not?"

"Oh of course I do!" Alfred cheered and used the wall to walk over. "Who's it from?"

Arthur gave it a once over. "Doesn't say." He gestured for Alfred to go to his room. "In fact, there's no return address. Must've been written in a hurry."

"Ugh, great now I gotta think who it could be please don't make me think now it hurts."

"More than usual?"

 Alfred groaned because he couldn't believe he set himself up like that.

"Yes I know you're very smart," Arthur reassured as he opened Alfred's bedroom door and ushered him in.

"Not smart enough to remember which friend travelled where after school. What it says might be a clue but I'm seriously going to crash soon."

"Well, you can read it in the morning and figure it out then with a sharper mind." Arthur helped his younger brother to bed and put the postcard on his nightstand.

"I'm tired but too tired to sleep," Alfred whined as he threw an arm over his face. "Arthur please help."

"What do you expect me to do about it?" Arthur sighed with exasperation, but gave into amusing his brother anyway. "Shall I knock you out?"

"Fuck it, why not."

Arthur rested his hand on Alfred's forehead.

"What?" Alfred moved his hand to stare questioningly.

"Just checking," Arthur replied dismissively.

Alfred was too tired to pester and just flopped his arm back onto his eyes with a huff.

"Wanna share my bed?"

"Will you throw up during the night?" 

"Probably not," Alfred cringed. "I hope not. I won't drink big for a while now."

"I suppose I can't expect you to learn, can I?" Arthur sighed. 

"Arthurrrrr," Alfred whined. "You have to be nice to me today..."

"Fine, let me get myself ready."

They had shared a bed a couple of times since... that first night. If there was a silver lining to all of this it was that Alfred felt like he was closer with Arthur. Even if they fought it wasn't personal and didn't last long. Maybe it was because of the tragedy but having to realise how important family was at such a young age...

Now Arthur was particularly aware of how much he needed Alfred and how it would destroy him if Alfred left. It certainly motivated him to think twice before doing anything that might incidentally drive Alfred away.

They lay in bed for a while but soon began whispering.

"You never told me what was stopping you from confessing to Francis," Arthur mused teasingly. "At least if you did I wouldn't have to see you embarrass yourself anymore."

"Um, what? Why?" suddenly Alfred was full of paranoia. "Am I super cringe? Fuck, is creepy and weird and cringe?!"

"You both are and you're dodging the question again," Arthur said shortly.

"Fine... but there isn't really an answer. Is 'I'm just a coward' an okay answer?"

"Fine, I see. You're close with his close friends. Gilbert knows, right?"

"Yeah I needed that inside scoop," Alfred jested. "Why?"

"Have you asked him to investigate how Francis feels?"

"I asked Gil to ask if Francis liked anyone ages ago but he would always say that Francis would just smirk and be secretive and say shit that implied he was hiding something but it was hard to tell if he was being serious or funny. And then Gilbert can't really push- it's just a delicate situation, okay?!"

"Is that all you've tried?" Arthur wanted to facepalm.

"Well?" Alfred made a noise that sounded like a verbal shrug. "If I fuck up that kinda ruins everything cus we have mutual friends so that would be awkward and then I would've lost Francis as a friend and how am I supposed to do anything when I don't know if he even wants a relationship with anyone at all or just wants to flirt with everyone in a joking kinda way-"

"There's a lot wrong with everything you just said. Starting with if he didn't like you back and you confessed, he'd only take it as a compliment, the narcissist. So you have nothing to lose and everything to gain, considering how obvious he makes himself even a dolt like you should be able to pick up that he likes you-"

"You only think that cus you don't understand what it's like to have a friend to fake flirt with. If he liked me back I'd know by now because, well, you know how he is."

"I do too have friends and I think you should sleep on the floor for that."

"Okay! Sor-ry!" Alfred huffed exaggeratedly, because he wasn't sorry at all. "But I mean the flirting thing is just a friend thing and he's just flirty in general so if it wasn't me flirting back it'd be someone else. Maybe you're just thinking he's flirting genuinely because I encourage it?"

"Well to me, it seems like he's only engaging in 'joke' flirting with you. I'll admit it used to irk me that he would torment such a large range of people but he's toned it down since. Honestly, do you need new frames? We could get your eyes check- OH MY GOD."

Arthur bolted up and almost fell out of the bed.

"What? What?!" Alfred tried to get a read of what the fuck his brother was thinking and reacting about despite the headache that spiked from Arthur's volume.

"Nothing, nothing, I just need to confirm something first-"

Arthur was getting angry at the covers as he struggled to rip them off before striding out of the room.

"Arthur what's wrong?" Alfred laughed awkwardly as he pushed himself to sit and turned on the lamp as he put on his glasses. "Did you leave the oven on or...?"

Too bad he was warm in that bed and very weak from his hangover or he'd go investigate whatever Arthur was rummaging in loudly in the other room.

"So what is it?" Alfred asked with increasing concern as Arthur stormed back in with eyes focused on another piece of paper. He snatched the postcard and held it to his face as if heavily scrutinizing the legitimacy of a monetary note. Clearly, it was serious and that just made Alfred more desperate to know.

"Arthur-"

"Read this-" Arthur was shoving the postcard in his face and Alfred's hand clumsily grabbed it.

"Okay but you better tell me what the fuck you're thinking after."

"Just read it."

Arthur's tone was short and after pulling a face Alfred did what his brother so kindly asked. 

The back only had a short message reading "Happy 21st birthday Alfred <3" not signed by the sender and no return address. Alfred looked at the front, an artistic take on a photo of the iconic waterfall before handing it back to Arthur with a shrug.

"Clearly it was written in a hurry? Like you said maybe someone forgot it was my birthday and then forgot to sign-"

"No, no ugh no, I'm-" Arthur shook his head and after a moment of debate, handed the paper he held. "The handwriting. I need a second opinion and I'm sorry to do this to you, especially today of all days but I'm mostly sure- I'd have kept to myself if I was only partly sure- but perhaps I'm just being optimistic-"

Alfred unwillingly tuned out Arthur as he saw what the piece of paper was. His heart stopped and his vision formed a tunnel as his shaking fingers held Matthew's note... to Kuma. Suddenly his bed wasn't warm enough and his mouth was uncomfortably dry.

Alfred never wanted to see that note again.

"Why did you give me this?!" Alfred demanded, barely able to restrain himself from scrunching up the note and ditching it across the room. He wanted to, so badly but he couldn't bring himself to damage it. "I don't wanna fucking look at it!"

"Neither do I but just just look-!"

"Just tell me what you're thinking!" Alfred shouted. 

"I just told you-!" 

"No you didn't-!"

"Look at the handwriting. Look-!" Arthur grunted with frustration. "No, you're right I didn't tell you. Fine- I think Matthew sent this postcard."

Alfred was choking on his breath and watched as Arthur's shaking hands took the note and card, displaying them on the bed.

"Look at how the letters look the same, same strokes, same distance," Arthur's finger clumsily traced the letters. "And look at the heart. Think about it, you said it yourself. Who wouldn't text?"

Alfred's fingers clawed at his hair as his eyes jerked so fast between the comparisons that he was actually worried he might be sick. Arthur just sat stiffly with a hand clasped to his mouth.

After all this time... they had finally accepted they would never see or hear from Matthew again... that there was even a possibility that he wasn't alive...

And now there was this. Proof.

Tears wouldn't stop and suddenly he couldn't breathe. 
It was a rough night.

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It was his birthday, which was just another day as far as Arthur was concerned. He wouldn't have noticed it if it wasn't for Alfred's energetic insistence that he do something to celebrate...

So after a big night, Arthur dragged himself through his usual routine the next day and it was completely routine when he checked the mailbox -

A postcard. Everything stopped as Arthur tentatively pulled it out. He kept repeating 'Don't get your hopes up don't get your hopes up' as he brought it up and immediately looked to the back.

It read: Happy birthday Arthur <3

There was no signature, no return address and it was the same handwriting as the last mysterious postcard. And that postcard had the same handwriting as Matthew.

The front of the card had a nice geometrical design. Arthur didn't know what to make of it as he stumbled back into the house with his sights set on the card as he called out for Alfred with a breaking voice.

A card for Alfred's milestone birthday had been a miracle and Arthur didn't expect something like this to happen twice. But now he was holding a card sent to him from his missing baby brother and Arthur couldn't keep his composure.

Hours later Alfred and Arthur were sharing a bed and staring at the ceiling.

"Do you think these postcards mean he still loves us?" Alfred whispered. 

"It was signed with a heart, I can only assume we're meant to take it at face value," Arthur whispered back, his tender voice breaking.

"So does that mean he forgives us?" Alfred's voice was hopeful yet pleading, like he wanted to believe it but he needed his older brother's input.

Arthur didn't think that was the case. You could love someone yet never forgive them. Even if Matthew's always been mature beyond his years (a sign of something wrong that Arthur missed because of convenience), it didn't ensure anything. It could even mean that Matthew knew he couldn't forgive them and could only love them from a distance. They could only assume how Matthew felt.

"I don't know. We'll have to see what happens in the future. At the very least it means he hasn't forgotten us."

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Alfred didn't like the feeling of time passing. Sure, he had things to look forward to in the future, but as the days started to add up he'd look back and suddenly things would fall into perspective.

A year wasn't as long as it used to be. Instead of being some giant monolithic unit of measuring time... it had passed all too quickly. Slipped by.

Now there was another way he could measure time. Alfred sat at his desk, perched on his chair with his legs hanging off the armrest with the other one digging into his back while he flipped through the pages of his journal that held the chronicles of letters.

There was a brief rap on his bedroom door before Arthur came in.

"I didn't even answer," Alfred snapped the book shut and threw an arm over the back of the chair to greet Arthur. "What if I had been getting changed or something, ya perv."

"You should've shrieked if I was about to violate your privacy," Arthur stated plainly as he dipped a tea bag in and out of the mug that was just permanently fixed to his hand.

"So if I don't make a noise it's okay for you to come in?"

Arthur just shrugged as he sipped on his tea, but furrowed his eyebrows when his eyes landed on the journal Alfred was holding.

"What's that? It doesn't look like homework."

"It's um," Alfred grabbed it tightly and flipped it so it was facing Arthur. "It's those letters I told you about. Since I can't send them I figured I'd keep them in a book."

Arthur hummed in acknowledgement as he stepped forward.

"So you're writing instead of your homework?" Arthur chided, though it was all in good teasing. "I suppose I can let that slide."

"Thanks for your approval," Alfred rolled his eyes. "So where do you keep yours then?"

"In a drawer. In my desk," Arthur lowered his mug. "Tucked in a protective envelope."

"Noice," Alfred nodded as he set the journal on his desk. His fingertips lingered on it.

"Do you write a lot?" Arthur asked quietly.

"Yeah... at least one a week but sometimes it's one a day..." Alfred leaned back into the chair and looked questioningly at Arthur. "You?"

"Whenever I feel like it," Arthur muttered, pursing his lips when Alfred gave him a look. "A few a month."

"That's not that much," Alfred frowned and Arthur pulled a face to match.

"It's my prerogative to write as much or little as I want," Arthur's tone was defensive towards the unsaid criticism of Alfred. "I don't have to justify anything to you."

"I never said you did," Alfred retorted. "But aren't you just as fucked up about him gone as I am?"

"It's not a competition."

"I'm not saying it is!" Alfred gestured widely with frustration. "Just- No one paid attention to him before and that was the problem and now we're just-"

"Oh, this is just your fight with Gilbert all over again, isn't it." Arthur sighed and stuck a hand on his hip. "There's no putting up with you when you're like this."

Alfred grunted with frustration and Arthur turned to leave but paused in the doorway.

"But since it matters so much to you," Arthur said pointedly. "Rest assured, there is no correlation to how much or how little I write to how often he is in my thoughts."

Arthur walked out of the room and Alfred felt like shit. He balled his hands and grit his teeth.

A few moments later, he was picking up a pen and writing a new letter. Maybe he'd apologise to Arthur later because he knew his brother was right. He knew it but it still never felt right.

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A day after his 22nd birthday came another postcard. This time it had some Renaissance art on the front. Nothing that hinted at the sent location. Still unsigned and again, no return address. Message: Happy birthday Alfred <3

Alfred was ecstatic and empty. A weird combo. He didn't expect to get another card. He felt that by expecting it he'd jinx himself somehow. Yet here in his hand was proof that his twin brother was still alive and still cared for him. That Matthew hadn't forgotten them.

He ran inside to show his older brother.

Alfred ignored Arthur's quiet sniffling when he turned to make himself tea after being shown the card. Alfred stopped himself from mentioning that Arthur already had a mug of tea.

He texted Francis, something that wasn't an unusual occurrence by any means but he needed to let Francis know. Alfred opened his texts and the history would've made it look like his own boyfriend forgot his birthday if it wasn't for some important context.

His close friends didn't send him 'Happy Birthday' anymore. Thoughtful, but hardly helpful when his own brain reminded him that his birthday was meant to be shared. And that only a few short years ago he didn't even do that.

So instead of 'happy birthday' Francis had simply texted that his oven didn't work and he'd have to bake some nice treats at Alfred's. An amusing callback to the time when Francis pretended there was something wrong with his oven so he could get back to talking with Alfred every day like they did at school. Alfred was just glad that Francis had found a way or Alfred would've had to be the one to figure something out to keep seeing Francis all the time. Alfred's schemes would've been way more transparent than his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼, which would've been embarrassing but they would've gotten together so much sooner...

Looking at the time it wouldn't be long until Francis arrived. So Alfred sent the text as a mood warning and took his usual spot by the kitchen counter as he waited for Francis to arrive while running his fingers over the edge of the postcard.

"Don't overthink it," Arthur said as he turned back, more composed with a mug of tea. Alfred had a feeling that his brother's warning advice came from experience.

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Was it just Alfred, or was his handwriting improving? After writing so many letters for so long, it had to, right? When Alfred compared some of his newer letters to the older ones, he felt a little swell of pride for his penmanship. He didn't really write on paper for anything else, all of his homework and study was done online so his typing speed was unmatched. But somehow from the at least one letter he wrote a week, he had improved his handwriting from nearly illegible to something half decent.

Because it had been so long. Time kept ticking and for the most part, Alfred didn't hear the hand of time moving. He kept living each day and kept moving forward, slowly putting more and more time behind him.

He tried not to overthink it.

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The days leading to his birthday were spent in anticipation as Alfred kept obsessive tabs on when the post was delivered each day. His work was all but abandoned and he was tripping over himself to check the mailbox every time, until on the day of his 23rd birthday a postcard came.

The writer had no signature or return address, as per usual. The card had a picture of an artistic forest on the front. Every card since the first never contained even a trace of a location and the design was always something generic. Was it so his twin, wanting to remain at a distance, would never be found? Probably.

It left Alfred with an odd feeling. Because Matthew would never come back within reach yet for some reason he would send these postcards. Alfred couldn't think of why. 

But he could shove his questions of 'why is Mattie doing this?' 'does that mean he didn't forget us?' and such aside in favour of feverish excitement to add this card to his grand collection now totalling 3! How's that for looking on the bright side?

Okay, he knew it was kinda pathetic but anything from his lost brother was prized. He didn't have much else left from him.

He sat on his bed with the postcard as a finger traced a healing tattoo on the inside of his arm. 

The tattoo only used black ink but somehow his and Matthew's part beautifully contrasted. Because they were twins, two of a kind. Something about art and poetry. Who cared, Alfred thought the tattoo looked cool.

On either side of a grizzly bear and polar bear sitting with each other was 'Alfred <3' in Matthew's handwriting and 'Matthew <3' in Alfred's. Alfred's bear and writing were in solid black while Matthew's was in outline.

The handwriting had been Francis' idea and damn was it a good one and then when Alfred had the best idea, as he often does, Francis helped him secure a sample of Arthur's handwriting without his oldest brother learning their intentions. So a line below the twins was a teabag before the words 'Love, Arthur'.

Alfred couldn't keep his eyes off the tattoo because it was perfect. He couldn't refrain himself from quoting Gravity Falls with 'finally, I have them all'. Because he loved both his brothers and just because one was gone doesn't mean he couldn't tattoo the other.

When Arthur asked to see the tattoo when Alfred came home was completely blindsided by his inclusion and Alfred, knowing it was a sensitive moment really had to restrain himself from falling into the pitfall of sibling teasing.

Especially when Arthur used his stupid hanky when he cried. Not teasing had to be a testament to how mature Alfred had become, surely.

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"Actually," Alfred sighed contentedly with his hands on his hips as the warm sun hit his back, "just imagine how great this would be with all our friends."

"It would..." Francis admitted as he ran an arm across Alfred's shoulders and leaned into him. "But it's nice to be just us now."

"Yeah, definitely," Alfred agreed before enthusiastically dropping onto the picnic mat below, pulling his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 down with him. "Now we can relax after everything that's been going on recently."

'Everything' being the anniversary a week ago. That was always a doozy time of the year. Alfred didn't want to think about it now.

"Yeah, relaxing sounds nice," Alfred said as he laid back and threw an arm over his face to shield his eyes from the sun, glancing fondly at his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 laying beside him. "But another time we could all get together and have a picnic."

"Another time," Francis repeated, "but until then, we should try to enjoy this date. It's my job to make sure you're feeling better~"

"I always feel better after we go on a date," Alfred said sappily, trying his best to be all romantical despite knowing there was no way he could ever outdo Francis.

"Good. We should drink to that," Francis smiled as he reached into the picnic basket and brought out two glasses and a wrapped-up bottle of something. He then went on to explain what exactly he brought in a lot of fancy detail that went all over Alfred's head.

"That means absolutely nothing to me but I'll drink it anyways cus you brought it."

"So trusting, I'm flattered you trust me to have good taste," Francis cooed as he uncorked it and poured the glasses. "But I'll have you know, my good taste doesn't stop at cuisine."

Francis leaned in close and let his hair brush against Alfred's face as he pressed his lips against warm skin to get his message across. Alfred laughed and ignored how his face heated up. Even though they were dating he still couldn't not react to the sappy shit Francis said and did. He was just so over the top! It made Alfred want to both compete and also shrivel up because it just made him so flustered. Option one was hardly an option because there was no competition with his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭's charm, but he had to try anyway.

"Okay, well, that means I have good taste too," Alfred flirted back but it came out more like a childish retort. He'd have to really work on his romantic skills and level up before he made Francis blush.

"I know you have good taste," Francis leaned in close and put his lips close to Alfred's ear. "And you taste good too~"

Alfred went completely red as Francis trailed his fingers along his lips. The implication was obvious.

"Oh my God," he whined, completely flustered. "Arthur would have a fucking seizure if he was here."

"It's fortunate he's not here then," Francis added as he sat back and held up his wine glass. "To our good taste."

Alfred was still red as their glasses clinked. Hanging out with his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 always relieved the stress from his shoulders.

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It's the eve of his 24th birthday when the postcard arrives. Alfred would be crushed if this tradition was to suddenly stop but all fears were erased as he held the card in his hand.

Same handwriting as all the rest, unsigned no return address. Read - Happy birthday Alfred <3

The design was a photo of 'The Rockies' that looked absolutely majestic and completely cinematic. It was certainly tiers above the previous ones sent - not that he didn't value the others. Alfred took his time to appreciate his now favourite card so far as he stuck the card to his mirror with all the others.

"That is a very nice picture," Francis hummed as he pulled Alfred close. "It looks like a work of art."

"Yeah," Alfred said softly, before turning with a sly smirk and grabbing a hold of his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭. It was time to try and be smooth. "That makes two pieces of art in my room."

"Non, three," Francis corrected before pulling him into a kiss.

Like Alfred said, there was no competing with Francis.

⊱֍⊰

Chapter Text

Alfred had finished his work ages ago and was now scrolling the internet to entertain himself in the cozy booth he occupied at Francis' restaurant. It was just him in the dimly lit dining area, listening to music coming from a fancy radio on the counter behind him as he waited for his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭, who was finishing closing the store out the back. 

So Alfred was entertaining himself by scrolling through his buddy Gilbert's Instagram. Gilbert and Antonio, unable to commit to what they wanted in life, had just forged their own path by just making stupid content online for clout. Respect. 

Well, 'forged' implied they intended to do so which wasn't the case but that didn't really matter. It was funny as fuck and Alfred was hardly surprised when they took off and took everyone with them. They weren't famous famous but well known in the right circles of hell that was the internet. And it wasn't just them, Alfred and Francis would make guest appearances in whatever epically stupid idea those two had planned and it always made for a good time. 

So Alfred had been looking for any opportunity to turn his friend's success into bigger success and make them properly famous. Curse his business mindset.

But if Alfred had to be honest, he figured after a lot of reflection it was partially because he hoped then maybe hopefully Matthew would see it. Then Alfred could make an appearance and leave hints for his brother and maybe, just maybe it would change things? 

Again with that fantasy... he wasn't so delusional anymore...

Alfred leaned back into the booth with a sigh. It was hopeful thinking and he knew it. It made him feel guilty for piggybacking his friend's success but Alfred knew Gilbert wouldn't mind. Not when Gilbert made it obvious sometimes that he still hadn't gotten over his crush and guilt and Alfred had a feeling that Gilbert was thinking the same thing. That their fame might reach Matthew, wherever in the world he is. And maybe it won't... and that's okay.

Antonio wouldn't care either when he'd been nothing but supportive and understanding. Maybe Alfred should just talk to Gilbert and they could scheme? He knew he shouldn't get too invested and drag Gilbert into it too, but this was just one wound that could never heal. At best, he could dress the wound and live with it. As long as it wasn't open and gaping that was all he could ask for. Most days he could function having completely forgotten about the wound and other days it mildly itched. And on the worst of days, the wound wept uncontrollably and the pain was unbearable. 

But enough with the metaphors.

Gilbert and Antonio's fame was very likely to only go up. From a business standpoint who knew being albino would make a good marketing signature? It certainly helped him retain popularity along with his personality and stand out in the most memorable way. Gilbert was distinct, in every way possible and he was synonymous with the word. Alfred was proud on their behalf that his friends were able to stand out so well. He had just recently suggested that they also work the social media advertising for Francis' restaurant, something they were all too happy to do and just like he expected they turned the advertisement into a giant meme making parodies of trends. (All according to plan.)

It wasn't his intention, but Alfred still hoped that if Matthew ever came across any of the videos they made, he'd know what everyone was up to and maybe satiate any curiosity that his long-lost brother had. He wasn't going to get his hopes up but Alfred just liked to imagine it and that wasn't something that could be taken from him. Even if he had come to terms with never seeing Matthew again it was always crossing his mind. Just as a little 'what if?' or 'imagine that'. At least it didn't hurt or make him paranoid like it used to. But sometimes it felt like he was thinking about a fictitious character, someone who only existed in the mind and not reality.

Alfred was interrupted from his analytical business snooping when his work phone beeped and he checked it, expecting to see the charity he'd been talking to back and forth to be replying to him but instead was curious to see a new potential client reaching out. A photographer, apparently. Alfred didn't need to read the message because he already intended to decline them. He had enough on his plate as it was and he was quite content with his balanced life right now, thank you very much. But he was curious what kind of photographer would reach out to him. Obviously, it would be to 'build a brand' or something finance-y marketing business-related, the standard usual sort of request. But still, he found it strange that a random photographer would reach out to him, because he couldn't see the immediate connection through any of his networking.

Unless he was about to have a big break and become very famous... but unfortunately life was not like the movies.

Still set on saying no but bored waiting for Francis, Alfred tapped his shoe to the rhythm on the radio and bit his lip as the song changed to the telling sax of 'Careless Whisper'. He was really tempted to turn the radio up and then go romantically bother (definitely pester) Francis but Alfred distracted himself with checking out this photographer's work. Staring at pretty pictures could be nice and he could do a little mental exercise on what he could potentially do for a photographer anyway. Besides just 'build a brand'. He was always thinking business thoughts, huh?

However, Alfred didn't get far when someone's hands were sneaking around his neck and pulling him into a hug from behind. Of course, he already instinctively knew who it was, but the tickle of hair against his cheek and the sweet smell of cologne only confirmed it. Alfred happily rested into the chest behind him.

"Thanks for waiting so patiently," Francis purred into his ear and Alfred smirked at the romantic challenge. He reached his hands to Francis' head and twirled a finger in the hair framing his face.

"It's a pleasure~" Alfred shamelessly flirted back.

One could mistake the escalating flirting that often happened between the two of them as just playful ironic or mocking banter because it was just so exaggerated. That's how Alfred had previously mistaken it. But the thing was they blatantly meant it and didn't care if anyone thought it was over the top and cringe. To be cringe is to be free, right?

At first, it did make Alfred a little embarrassed but over time he adapted. Now the very things that would've made him beetroot red were falling out of his mouth without being screened for public approval whatsoever and he liked it. 

"Non, you're the pleasure~" Francis breathed out a laugh that tickled Alfred's hair. Alfred stifled his own humour as he reached to shove his setup on the table into his backpack, ready to bounce.

"If only I had a uno reverse card right now because uno that you're my biggest pleasure," Alfred's eyes crinkled with humour as he stretched, movements over the top and seductive. "You all done here? Ready to rock and roll?"

"I'm ready," Francis confirmed as he let his hand travel across his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼 shoulders as he walked around the booth to offer his other hand, like a prince escorting a princess from a carriage. Swinging his backpack over one shoulder, Alfred took that hand and then brought it to his lips as he stood up. It was then that he remembered the radio, so without letting go of that hand he reached to turn up the volume with the other.

Careless Whisper was a really romantic song after all. (Just ignore the meaning of the lyrics)

One thing he and Francis shared was a flair for the dramatic, which was usually egged on when with the other. It was something that drove his older brother mad... meaning that it was a well-practised skill. So when Alfred pulled on Francis to start dancing, Francis followed enthusiastically. 

"Should I have a SpongeBob-themed birthday party? I've got a month to plan." As Alfred said, he didn't screen his words. One of his defining traits was just talking about anything that would fall out of his mouth. But he didn't need to screen words when it was Francis. Anything was on the table to talk about. 

Even the fact that for the first time in years, he was having a party on his birthday that was actually a birthday party.

"Spongebob?" Francis cocked his head in amusement and his eyes crinkled.

"You know!" Alfred prompted. "'What's funnier than 24? 25!' Just cus I'm nearly a quarter of a century doesn't mean I gotta grow up, you know?"

"You're right, growing up is certainly optional. You will have to help me with the catering though, it would be too much to do all by myself."

"Can do! And thanks, you're the best."

"I know I am," Francis leaned in close. "And I'll plan a private party for the just two of us..."

Liking the sound of that, the deal was sealed with a kiss.

Careless whisper was still playing in the background, slowly building the anticipation. Alfred rested his head on Francis' shoulder and hummed.

"We should play this at our wedding."

"The tune is so provocative..." Francis' smooth voice teased, "Maybe we should save it for the reception..." Francis' warm breath tickled his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼 ear as he spoke barely above a whisper. "...The private reception~"

"You really like our private parties huh?" Alfred couldn't hold back an affectionate and amused grin.

All the pieces of this hypothetical wedding were in place and the couple discussed it often... but neither had actually proposed. Not because of neither knowing who should propose, gender roles were irrelevant in modern times so if either of them wanted to, it was fair game. If both of them wanted to then it would be a race of who can do it soonest and the grandest, but as it was the situation was... complicated. Alfred wasn't so dense to not realise that his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 really really wanted to... but was holding back. Because they both knew that Alfred wasn't ready, no matter how much Alfred wished he was.

Because for some reason, the idea of just minding his own business and then turning around to see his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 on one knee... it scared him for than what could be considered reasonable. Just the thought made him sweat.

Alfred knew it was his fault. Lots of things were his fault but it was easy to forget about that with Francis. But he knew that the thing between now and this perfect hypothetical wedding was him and his issues that painfully conflicted him. Insert joke about Dad going to get the milk, because Alfred had abandonment issues. He'd say it was Matthew's fault, but then he could back it up further and see it was still his fault for making Matthew leave. They say admitting you have a problem is step 1 but Alfred really wished he knew what was step 2.

On one hand, he wanted nothing more than to marry Francis and tether his lover to him... but on the other hand, hurt and paranoia said the tether of marriage isn't tethering enough. So Alfred felt perpetually terrified and not ready for marriage yet yearning at the same time. So he couldn't get married now, because if they were going to get married then it would be because he wanted to instead of fucked up reasons coming from pain and fear. He needed to want to marry Francis because Francis! No other reason.

And Alfred did want to marry Francis. He imagined it and it was perfect... but when it came to even thinking about buying the ring he just couldn't... think. His mind would go blank and he'd just vacate...

...while something inside him screamed and cried.

Francis felt something inside him squeeze when Alfred's eyes flickered with an ocean of unseen emotions. Francis just gave him a reassuring smile. He knew the years of uncertainty after his twin left had been hard on Alfred and his baggage was heavier on some days than others. Francis thought that talking about the idea of their wedding and doing his best to romanticise it would help Alfred become comfortable with the idea if he could see it coming. Maybe then Alfred would want it without hesitation. For the most part, it worked, but there was always that flicker.

"Do you think you can handle a honeymoon?" Francis said softly to show he wasn't teasing. "You know we can't bring Arthur..."

"Duh, of course I know Arthur can't come. Why would I want him there? To freak him out-?" Alfred scoffed before his eyebrows furrowed. "Wait, what do you mean can I handle it?"

"Well, I know how... attached you are to him." 

"I know... I- yeah... but we won't be going too far for too long..."

"France is far," Francis hummed with sad sympathy. They had settled on France as a honeymoon location years ago and yet it felt like Alfred hadn't really adapted to the idea.

"Ugh. Yeah, I know..." There was an edge as Alfred dismissed the topic before brightening up as the music continued. "-Oh! Hold on the good part is coming up-"

"Alfred-"

-cut him off as he grabbed Francis and pulled him into a dance as the sax of Careless Whisper swelled. Caught up in the music Alfred put passion into his voice as he began to sing. Francis was always one to live in the moment and immediately went along with the dance. Even if Alfred was just distracting himself, there would always be time to discuss sensitive things later.

"Tonight the music seems so loud!"

Alfred spun Francis into a dip and held a fist to his chest as he belted out the 'best part' with passion.

"I wish that we could lose this crowd-"

"My love, we're already alone," Francis reassured flirtatiously, calling his boyfriend a pet name in French. Alfred couldn't help but give his best signature grin as he continued to sing.

"Maybe it's better this way-"

Alfred spun into Francis, falling so Francis would dip him, holding eye contact as he brought a hand up to his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼 cheek and was overcome by the words of the song.

"We'd hurt each other with all the things we want to say-"
"We could have been so good together-"

"We are good together," Francis mused as he led the dance. Alfred shot a hand out as if the song was moving him so.

"We could have lived this dance forever-"

Then Alfred was spinning with Francis and revelling in the momentum.

"Now who's gonna dance with me~?"

"You know the answer to that," Francis said as his nails teased the back of Alfred's hair and they continued to dance until the song was fading and it was just the two of them, shifting from side to side with eyes interlocked and soft breath on each other's faces. Any noise from outside was drowned out in the moment and in the dim room, the streetlights outside illuminated their features so softly. It was quite poetic as the two held each other with strong arms having forgotten their surroundings. As the song wound down so did their movements, until they weren't moving at all.

"I would love to propose right now," Francis whispered. "This truly is a perfect moment."

Alfred's smile twitched as the moment seemed to shatter and a vignette formed around Francis. He couldn't feel his hands, his jaw tensed and his tongue couldn't work. The ocean of emotions was too deep and he was being pulled under.

But he didn't show it. He kept his smile wide.

He was really ready to bolt if Francis got down on one knee.

They had planned the wedding, sure, but they had never really talked about proposing before. Well, they had but to be honest Alfred just kept changing the subject and forgetting about it. Obviously proposing was a necessary step between now and the wedding but it felt like a topic that was just to be avoided. Until now. 

"But I know that you've got things you need to work through." Francis sighed longingly and wrapped his arms around tighter. "So I'm just going to tell you that I'll wait. As much as I would love to get on one knee for you and sweep you off your feet, you'll have to be the one to propose."

Alfred's breath hitched and his thoughts raced. He really didn't know why they had to get married. Things were fine as they were!

But still, whenever they talked about it... he found himself romanticising it... he found himself yearning for it...

"I say this because I'm ready and I'll wait as long as it takes for you to be ready too, but because only you know when you'll be ready, you'll have to be the one to ask the question," Francis' eyes met Alfred. "I'm just letting you know now that my answer will be yes. As long as you don't make me wait forever to say it."

Alfred swallowed thickly as his eyes began to sting with the telltale sign of tears. Fuck. Things were fine, this was fine, why the fuck was he going to fucking cry?!

"Just make sure it's up to my romantic standards, alright?" Francis' tone was more upbeat as with a warm smile he wiped away the budding tears. "I trust your planning skills. I want it to be a surprise~"

"Okay..." Alfred breathed out as he nodded and cleared his throat before speaking again. Everything was fine. Nothing to get upset about. Just something else on his todo list. He'll get to it. Fuck, why was he shivering like he was cold? "Yeah, totally, it'll blow you away."

Francis had just forfeited, relinquished his intent to propose. There would be no fighting for it. There would be no paranoia that Alfred would turn around and his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 would be on one knee behind him when he least expected it and instead of it being a happy moment he would ruin it by panicking. Not that Francis would've done that to him anyway, but it was still a situation that just imagining on a bad day gave him full-body embarrassment that had him twitching and pulling his hair out.

But all things had balance so he would 100% admit that of course, he thought about proposing and being proposed to before. He liked to imagine it but it was all strictly imagination... much more simpler than reality. Much more controlled and less permanent you know?

Alfred knew how much Francis would love to be the one to propose because he just knew his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 and yet... he gave it to Alfred. 

Man, Alfred was such a simp for his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭. And clearly, Francis was a simp for him too.

"Do you think you can propose before I turn 30?" Francis' tone was light and joking now as he reached to turn off the radio. "I'd like to see myself in a white suit and black tie and you in a black suit and white tie before then."

"Yeah, I'm sure it'll happen," Alfred fought to keep his voice level and resisted the urge to sniffle. He just couldn't get over this! Francis just said he could be the one to propose! He didn't know what to think, he didn't know what to feel. But here he was getting teary anyway because whatever it was he was feeling something.

"You make it sound so..." Francis waved his hands in the air as he landed on the right word. "Passive! Make it happen!" Then his tone went serious and he cupped Alfred's face with his hand. "I don't want you to suffer anymore and have it affect your future. Please try and work on yourself so you don't keep holding yourself back. Before you know it you'll be ready..."

Alfred didn't trust his voice so he just nodded into his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼 hand. Francis on the other hand didn't mean for this to get so overwhelming, gave him a smile and a soft kiss before leading Alfred out of the restaurant.

"How about we go home and cuddle in bed while looking at beautiful rings? No pressure, just for fun." Francis suggested. Maybe it would help Alfred get interested in the idea and feel a bit more prepared. Besides, Francis hoped to wear this ring for a very long time and he wanted a say in the design. Or at least give some pointers, having the ring be a surprise would be exciting too. He couldn't help but get excited for the idea and it hadn't even come to fruition yet. All he could do was speak his desires and hope.

It went unsaid whose place they would be cuddling at, always Alfred's. Francis understood that Alfred couldn't leave Arthur, not even for a night. Any suggestion otherwise was just met with excuses of why he couldn't. Maybe Francis would have to think of a way to entice Alfred into sleeping over at his place for once. He had some ideas...

Yes, some of those involved another 'private party'.

But those schemes could wait. Tonight Francis was going to enjoy his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭'𝓼 company as they amused themselves with ring designs for this hypothetical proposal. Hopefully talking in hypotheticals and not absolutes would help Alfred get comfortable. Francis didn't like watching his boyfriend's discomfort eat away at his desires, not if he could help it.

Chapter Text

Everything was fuzzy like the gentle sun coming through waving leaves on a late summer afternoon... That's where Alfred felt where he was and the soft light made the silhouette of the company sitting beside him look angelic. He wasn't really sitting under a tree. Alfred didn't know where he was but that wasn't the point. He knew who he was with and that had his full focus.

Matthew was right there standing and staring with eyes full of anticipation. He was young, but that didn't really catch Alfred's attention because he was young too. They were both young, too young to remember all the details that came with the age. Like what they actually looked like. All he knew was they were sometime between losing their first tooth and their last- But that didn't really matter, Alfred knew that Matthew was there and he knew he needed Matthew to stay.

But this was a botched memory, so he couldn't act as freely as he'd like. Like a puppet on strings, all of his movements were orchestrated by someone else while he simply watched.

When he spoke, his own voice was foreign to his ears, like it wasn't even him saying it. 

"We'll always be there for each other! Because we're twins which means we're special! That's what Artie said anyway-"

Yeah, Arthur had said that. Not the special part, the part about being there for each other. Alfred couldn't really remember why it was said, only that his older brother was inspired to say it after something happened... the details of that were more hazy than the outline of his brother.

"Wherever you go I'll go and you'll go where I go! We'll always have each other!"

Alfred could see his hand reach out in front of him with his pinky extended.

"I promise!" 

It wasn't his voice and it was far too cheerful to know what would happen to their lives after this moment. It wasn't a warm summer afternoon anymore, and the cold began to creep in.

He hadn't thought about this for a long time... in fact, it wasn't until now that he remembered it happened at all.

Suddenly the memory wasn't pleasant fuzzy. Alfred kept extending his hand and the dread set in. Matthew was just standing there with a blank expression on his face as if he was completely disconnected. It was wrong! Matthew had always been expressive! Or at least he looked pleasant! He never looked shut down.

Alfred was desperate to wrap his pinky around his brother's but Matthew's hands stayed limp by his side with unseeing eyes fixed on Alfred's small finger.

Alfred knew this was wrong. This was a memory so it had happened before and wasn't meant to go like this! What was meant to happen was Matthew would light up with a big smile and jump forward to make the promise. He was meant to promise!

Alfred wouldn't drop his hand until the promise was made. He needed to promise. He needed Matthew to promise. Why wouldn't Matthew promise? Matthew, just talk to him! Matthew don't leave-!

Alfred knew where he really was. He wasn't entirely asleep, nor entirely awake. His surroundings came back to him as he felt himself in his adult body again and could place where he was. He was on his side in his warm bed with his warm boyfriend, who Alfred was currently curling around as he breathed shallow and fast breaths into the soft fanned blond hair of his lover's head.

Alfred knew he had been reaching out in real life in response to the dream in his head because his arm was extended and his pinky was weakly digging at the covers. Like he could still make that promise now. Like it wasn't eons too late...

Alfred's body was running cold and his hand was numb. He ignored the annoying moisture collecting in his lashes and making his eyes painfully itch. He brought his arm back in to pin a still-sleeping Francis to his chest.

At least now he was fully awake, and thank fuck for that too. He sighed as silently as he could and let his head fall back as the tension left his body. He wasn't upset exactly, he's had dreams like this in the past, growing more and more sparse as time went on. But still, if he lingered on it too long - even in a half-asleep state or not, it could get to him. He tried not to let it get to him, but what better time than in the silent dark of night when he had nothing to distract him?

Alfred carefully untangled himself from Francis and rolled over to his other side, turning his back as he took steady breaths.

He probably wouldn't even remember the dream when it was morning and he'd be back to his cheerful self... but he could remember it so clearly now. With HD clarity. He kept his eyes wide open and focused on the details of the wall opposite because if he were to shut them again, he would see Matthew's blank stare at Alfred's desperately outstretched hand...

He held his hands close to his chest as he curled in on himself. He still felt the urge to stretch out his hand right now, even if logically he knew that was so very stupid.

So he turned his thoughts elsewhere, but that quickly circled back around to the dream. All he had to do was not get emotionally invested in the thoughts that would come... Alfred took a deep breath.

Alfred knew the dream was a memory. At some point many years ago he made a promise, he initiated it... and he broke it. His own promise. Matthew had always been there for him and Alfred had disregarded his own twin. The grief of knowing how he made his brother feel comes and goes. Over time the intensity had eroded, or perhaps he knew the feeling and didn't feel it so overwhelmingly like he did at first. At least tonight it didn't sting or make it impossible to even simply lay in bed. But Alfred still felt the resignation of guilt and sadness linger as he joined his own hands by the pinky and clasped as tightly as he could, ignoring the shaking that came with the ache.

Alfred froze when Francis rolled over and now had an arm pulling him in. 

"You awake?" Alfred's weak voice was barely a whisper. He got no reaction. He held his breath and listened carefully.

Francis' breathing was rhythmic and steady and felt like a lullaby. 

"Thank fuck," Alfred let himself relax knowing that Francis was more asleep than awake. He untangled his hands to wrap around Francis' protective arm instead. Being the little spoon was nice and Alfred felt secure, he was able to fall asleep again dreaming about something else that wasn't wishful thinking inspired by the past.

⊱֍⊰

It was early when Alfred woke up and despite his sedentary body (could you blame him? He was soooo comfy!) he couldn't keep his eyes closed. It was before his alarm which was one of the best times to enjoy being lazy. Especially when he was still in the same position from the night before; being his boyfriend's personal heater. A position he loved to be in if he was being honest.

One of the best benefits of being the little spoon was being able to enjoy it while using his phone. It just wasn't as convenient to use when he was the big spoon and one arm was pinned.

He wasn't really invested in what to do on his phone so he found himself looking through the closed tab of the night before - checking out that photographer. It didn't require much thought to stare at pretty pictures.

Though pretty was an understatement. As Alfred continued to scroll he saw that every photo was just as magnificent and cool. There wasn't a set 'genre', if that was the right term for photography? Alfred wouldn't know. But each photo was very varied. There were photos of completely natural and urban environments, some being just of the landscape or focused on a random person. Every upload had a really violently hopeful and motivational caption that Alfred just had no choice but to respect such an optimistic take on life. Even just lying in bed he felt like he had the power to have a great day because the quotes were just so powerful when next to an inspiring picture.

"It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light." — Aristotle.

Alfred closed his eyes, still feeling a little raw from staring at a screen first thing in the morning. As he pressed his eyes together, he could still see the quote's imprint lingering on his retinas. He took in a deep breath and focused on his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭's arm around him. Last night was lingering in the back of his mind, but that was behind him. He had to focus on right now. He opened his eyes again and kept scrolling.

Clearly, whoever this was they travelled a lot and had an eye for what would make a good picture. Alfred didn't know much about taking photos (which would make him not ideal for a business team-up, so that's another reason he'd have to let this person down) but he did know that you'd have to have a skill or talent or something for it to come out this good! Surely? What would he know, he's a normal person.

Or maybe he was just swayed by the very cool drone footage. That seemed like a recent addition because once he scrolled past a certain point it stopped. Really a pity, even if Alfred didn't work with this person he'd still have to give them a follow because holy shit those drone takes were awesome! It made him feel like he was flying and that was seriously cool.

Alfred knew when Francis woke up because previously loose limbs tensed around him as his boyfriend sighed deeply and a warm breath tickled Alfred's neck as Francis curled further into him.

"What are you looking at?" Francis mumbled as he looked over Alfred's shoulder.

"Someone wants to work with me or me work with them," Alfred had to clear his throat, voice a little weak from speaking first thing in the morning. "I don't know the details, I haven't read the message but I'm checking them out and it's a photographer - check out these drone shots. Fucking cool right?"

He ended up showing every single upload with drone footage because there were no 'best ones' to show off. Then Francis insisted on reading the description for each one with curiosity. Each would list a location first, then either a quote or message of some sort that was usually optimistic or deep.

But Alfred wasn't caught up on the message, not when every single location despite being different came from the same country.

"All of these say Canada," Alfred noted and scrolled through all the uploads, even the not drone shoots. "Yeah, these are all in Canada. Why the fuck would someone from Canada want to work with me? Am I just that good that I have a rep or something? But wouldn't there be other business-marketers-whatevers-I-am-exactly in Canada?"

"Maybe you should read the message, it might say why they want you," Francis suggested sleepily. "Everything is online now so perhaps they know Gil and Toni? Networking?"

"Oh yeah. Guess I'll read that later. Right now I'm scrolling."

But he still couldn't picture why this photographer would want to work with him. Especially when he kept scrolling and scrolling and the page just kept going. The further he scrolled the more intimidated he became.

Clearly, this person was big because they were getting lots of awards and recognition for their work prestigiously. There was also something that made his scrolling halt to a stop. This photographer had their photos on postcards! Alfred had to assume it meant something in that line of work but he wouldn't know.

But what he did know was that he was staring at the photo that was on the back of the last postcard he got from Matthew... It could've just been a coincidence if Alfred hadn't found the picture that Arthur got on his postcard for his birthday last year on this photographer's account too. 

Maybe Alfred could obsessively go through this photographer's follower list juuuuust in case Matthew had followed them because clearly he likes-

No. That's not helpful. Move on.

Alfred kept scrolling.

"It seems they're quite accomplished," Francis mused. He didn't mention the photos being postcards even though Alfred knew he would've caught it, would've seen the matching photos from the cards pinned on Alfred's mirror.

"I'm not delusional, I know I'm not on the same level of fame or whatever so what's someone like this doing reaching out to me? I don't know what I can do for someone who's so successful y'know?"

He knew this person was wanting to team up with him professionally somehow... and now Alfred was a little hesitant to turn them down. Maybe it was just Alfred being biased because he knew that Matthew liked the photos from this photographer, having sent so many postcards exclusively photos taken by this person. And maybe that meant so much to him today as opposed to some other day because he was weak from having a dream that night. But Alfred couldn't say no without at least thinking about it.

Maybe if Francis knew what he was thinking Francis would say it was stupid, but Alfred could squeeze some room on his plate for this photographer, if only because he was delusional and saw it as a way to honour Matthew.

Alfred figured he could rationalise saying yes anyway, just give him some time and he'll have the perfect reason why he needs to work with this photographer.

Time was not on his side when the alarm finally rang and the day officially started as the couple dragged themselves from bed. Breakfast was easy enough to arrange at Francis' restaurant so Alfred threw on some casual clothes and had to restrain himself from making instant coffee while Francis got changed into something more dressed up. He always put effort into his appearance and was usually the best-dressed person in any given room. Though Alfred could be biased. Francis also insisted that he make Alfred 'proper coffee' whenever he had the chance, something about it being an art and culture. But Alfred was tempted to get an 'inferior' instant coffee because he needed it now, even if he would get made a coffee later...

Francis would be upset though, it was both annoying and endearing that he insisted on doing so much for Alfred. He didn't need someone to cook all his meals for him and go out of their way to dote on him!

Instead, Alfred grabbed an energy drink and put it in his bag with his work things. He wouldn't have time to make instant coffee anyway because Francis was ready to leave just a second after Alfred hid the drink. In his defence, while it had caffine it wasn't exactly coffee!

They had breakfast together before the restaurant opened. It wasn't an elaborate breakfast by any means and Alfred hardly helped in the kitchen beyond verbal support and passing things, but he always had fun and it was an enjoyable part of their routine.

When the restaurant opened Alfred was in his usual booth with his laptop open and headphones on as he got to work. Somehow, despite the noise of people coming in and out, orders being rung up, families stopping in and all sorts, he was still able to concentrate completely. He was probably just used to it by now or the atmosphere was just that great. He loved being around people and more often than not that booth had become his office of choice. It certainly saved money compared to if he opened a real physical office in an actual building. Plus when he had 'meetings' with Gilbert and Antonio, they could all just sit in the booth and pester Francis as they got a shitload of free on-the-house drinks.

Yeah, Alfred would prefer the ambience of the restaurant as opposed to home or the park as an office any day.

The photographer was still in the back of his mind so once Alfred decided he'd done enough work to warrant a break, he slipped his phone out and picked up from where he left off that morning. He also cracked open the energy drink as silently as he could. Maybe he could bribe Francis by offering to split it, but ever since turning 21 Francis traded energy drinks for wine. At any given point during the day, he could be seen either sipping on wine or with a glass sitting nearby - it was almost as concerning as Arthur's tea addiction. But probably worse because wine had alcohol but Francis insisted he wasn't an alcoholic.

At least Francis did look very picturesque holding a glass of red wine or champagne with his dainty fingers as he leaned against something with his casual flair and sipped... maybe Alfred did understand the urge that came with photography to snap pictures of things.

Anyway, Alfred had to admit he was putting off checking the message because then he'd have to think about his reply whether he wanted to or not, so he distracted himself by checking out the Instagram bio.

First things first, Alfred gave this person a follow because these photos were actually awesome and because networking. With that out of the way, he began to investigate.

The profile picture was a hand holding up a stark red maple leaf, which was the only thing in focus. The background behind the leaf was a city of lights, out of focus. Only just glowing colours and shapes. It was pretty, no surprise there considering this person's other photos.

There were stories that said 'art', 'moments', 'the way I see the world'. Alfred flicked through them, his head leaning in his hand as he checked it out.

'Art' - art the person had made. Hand drawn, it was very good and evident the artist had talent. Some of them were straightforward but others left the impression that it was somehow a metaphor. Alfred knew what it reminded him of and he pushed it down.

'Moments' - short clips that had been taken and were self-explanatory: a snippet of a moment. Like rain pouring down as the photographer walked down a bustling street. Because of the sound and the way the camera moved as if a video game character in the first pov, it was like Alfred was the one walking down the street. He thought it was pretty cool and kinda made him wish that it could be worked into a video game.

'The way I see the world' - harder to grasp exactly what made the photographer put certain things in this story. It just seemed like a bunch of photos that weren't connected at all. Alfred just had to assume these were the photographer's favourite pictures, either for what they were or if the photographer just enjoyed taking them. Again, it just felt like a big metaphor Alfred couldn't understand. Maybe it was one of those 'for yourself' things where it wasn't meant to be understood and was only for the photographer. Some of the photos had quotes and they were just as violently hopeful and deep as the captions for their posts.

Fuck it, if this person wanted to work with him then who was he to say no? Alfred liked what he saw and even if he didn't know exactly what was wanted from him, Alfred just knew he could work something out. He was a flexible and confident guy.

So he finally opened the message he had gotten the night before.

The message didn't answer why him in particular, but it did outline what Alfred could do. Alfred read through it and sat as he digested just what lonelymapleleaf had in mind.

Apparently over the years lonelymapleleaf had many offers to have their photos licenced to sell prints and have always turned these offers down. Though now they're ready to make it happen 'on their own terms'.

Also noted that they'd like to expand the prints to include art they made. There was an explanation where the lonelymapleleaf claimed it was ironic to prefer paper to digital art considering their profession but had been adapting to digital.

Then there was a bit that Alfred liked about how lonelymapleleaf wanted to bring awareness to some issues because they were passionate about helping and even wanted to collaborate with a few charities of choice. They didn't say how they wanted to collaborate so Alfred was left guessing whether that was donating money, time or photographic/artistic skills. Nothing he couldn't sort out later.

Alfred sat back in the booth with a sigh as he mentally pieced together a plan to be of assistance with the decision already made up in his head that yeah, he could fit juuust a little more room on his plate. Because lonelymapleleaf seemed cool af and Alfred could get behind that. He was 100% sure that there was no way he could turn this person down now. Besides, it would make his mundane life a little bit more interesting.

So Alfred drafted up a response, downed the rest of his energy drink as he checked for typos and when he thought 'hey good enough' he sent it off.

Then he wandered out the back to find the recycling trash to toss his can in and flirt with Francis while he was there. Someone had to remind his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 to take a break...

Chapter Text

Luckily the restaurant could function without Francis, otherwise, Alfred would be obliged to stay there much longer than he usually did. It would also mean that Francis would have to be there from open to close and Alfred really didn't like that idea so he was glad that while Francis was successful, he still had a good work-life balance. Full transparency: Alfred was greedy and wanted his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 all to himself.

Arthur would say that it was actually codependency, but Alfred rejected that idea... even if it may be a little true.

It was after lunch when Francis called it a day and the pair went home to prepare for a previous engagement. The previous engagement was just a dinner night at Antonio's with the insistence that they sleep over - so what Alfred was really looking forward to was the drinking that would probably definitely come with it. Making drunken videos with Gilbert, Antonio and Francis was the best! Plus Alfred knew he could drag in, or at least attempt to drag in anyone else who was there. Cough Arthur cough.

Knowing that Arthur was home and knowing that his brother was more than accustomed to working without complete silence (an impossibility with him as a brother), Alfred didn't even consider not announcing their arrival the second they walked through the door.

"Arthurrrrr we're home!" Alfred dumped his backpack on the kitchen counter and he cupped his hands. "Did you miss us?"

No response. Maybe Arthur didn't hear? Maybe Alfred should go into his brother's study and annoy him in person...

"Don't bother," Francis grabbed a hand from Alfred's face and planted a kiss on his knuckles. "We'll see enough of him tonight."

Alfred turned his hand to grab Francis' and reciprocated the kiss more flirtatiously. Francis' hair was still tied up from being in the kitchen and Alfred thought it looked very nice. He had to restrain himself from saying that in a Borat voice as he touched his boyfriend's hair with his free hand.

"Yeah, just like every time he's gonna get drunk as fuck, it'll be so fun to watch," Alfred said with anticipation.

"I tell him every time; he can't hold his liquor and that just makes him drink more," Francis had a calculating look in his eye.

"Better remind him again tonight," Alfred said with a matching grin.

"Of course, what kind of brother-in-law would I be if I didn't?" A kind gesture, at face value.

Maybe it was because yesterday's talk was still lingering on his mind but Alfred couldn't help but overthink Francis referring to himself as Arthur's brother-in-law. He felt his smile twitch.

Could that be Francis hinting that he was ready- duh, yeah, probably because he explicitly said he was ready just last night. But could it be him subtly trying to push Alfred to do it sooner rather than later? Or was it just as simple as Francis had just accepted it and was acting like it was the case already because he was comfortable with the idea?

It was probably that it was just comfort instead of something passive-aggressive. Alfred had to believe Francis when he said he'd wait as long as it took and wouldn't try to guilt Alfred. Alfred was already guilting himself enough...

They were basically a family anyway so nothing would change. Now that Alfred thought about it, Arthur basically saw Francis as a brother anyway... hence the constant bickering between them. So there really was no pressure, right? All he had to do was get a ring and fix up the right setting and then... yeah, that was it right? Why did Alfred still feel anxious about it?

He wish he knew what it would take to be ready. Why wasn't there an official checklist for these kinds of things? How would Alfred know what the criteria was if he wasn't just guessing?

"So how was work? Did you get much done today?" Francis asked conversationally and pulled Alfred from his thoughts.

"Uh, I showed you that stuff about that Canadian photographer right? Anyway I've decided that fuck it, I could have another client. Especially one so cool. So there's that," Alfred shrugged. "Apart from that just the regular stuff."

Arthur, who also had the luxury of working from home, came in with an empty mug and placed it in the sink.

"What's this about a new client? Hurry up and tell me while I'm on break," Arthur said as he grabbed a new mug and filled the kettle with water.

Alfred pulled a face at just how Arthur decided to show his interest then rolled his eyes as he complied anyway.

"My new client!" Alfred just pulled up the photographer's best photos and let Arthur scroll.

Arthur didn't seem too impressed, but maybe that was just his RUF. His Resting-Unimpressed-Face. Or maybe the wind changed and his face was stuck that way, just as foretold by his threatening fables Arthur weaponised when Alfred was a child.

"So this is all online then? I suppose the world is gearing towards that sort of thing but I expected it to be someone we know. Do you know anything about this person at all? Or did you just see the cool photos and that was enough?"

"Yep pretty much! Can ya blame me?" Alfred grinned as he showed off some drone footage of an aurora!

"I'll admit these photos are spectacular, but ugh, at least do some research," Arthur tutted and took his own phone from his pocket, reading the username from Alfred's phone to do his own research. Alfred entertained himself with rewatching the drone footage as Arthur scrolled and his eyebrows rose further and further up his face, apparently too impressed to even be bothered by Francis 'rudely' leaning over his shoulder to peek.

"Seems this person is quite famous. Apparently, they're known for capturing quite a few 'once in a lifetime' shots. I suppose that makes them very lucky to always be in the right place at the right time... It seems they're a bit of an activist too, having brought attention to issues with their photos, like some wildfires last year and-" Arthur's eyebrows knitted together and Francis had a look of respect, "-seems they put themself in danger to catch some 'haunting photos'-"

"Lemme see," Alfred peered over Arthur's other shoulder.

"Haunting is certainly the right word," Arthur uttered and turned his phone. Alfred gave it his full attention as his eyes jumped from photo to photo. They must've been the ones Arthur just mentioned - about the wildfires.

There were some photos where the entire photo was just shades of blinding red and orange, demonically twisted in a still dance as captured by the lens of the camera with only black silhouettes against the light, outlines of people, structures or animals. There were some where the flames weren't even on the screen but their haunting presence was still there, lurking behind a hill and inevitable as the sky was black. There was one where the ground looked to be molten lava, another where the sky far away was completely dark due to smoke but an eerie orange glow illuminated the blackened sky. There was one of what looked to be fog was actually thick, disorienting smoke with all sorts of whispy fumes floating through it, and embers that made it reminiscent of a starry night sky. Then there were photos of the aftermath and the corpses of forests left behind...

"I think they're beautiful," Francis observed. "In an artistic way..."

"Beautiful and terrifying, that's the point," Arthur expressed.

Alfred hummed in agreement and skimmed over the rest of the article as Arthur scrolled.

"Okay, so I'm educated on this person now and now I just think they're even cooler than before."

"I can certainly see why you'd reach out to someone like that," Arthur admitted.

"They reached out to me," Alfred corrected timidly.

Arthur gave him a strange look.

"What?" Alfred squawked, a little defensive.

"I can't see why. No offense intended but I know you'll take it anyway-"

"Of course I will!"

"But-" Arthur sighed and gave up, throwing his hands up to show he'd let it go.

"I'm sure there's a reason. Maybe it was someone we went to school or college with?" Francis shrugged.

"Possibly? I guess I can't remember where everyone went. I guess I could always just ask them."

"Well tell me the answer when you find out because I'm curious too," Arthur said as he filled his mug and sipped on his tea.

"I can't say I'm surprised you want to work with them. I know you like to do good things and try to help people, so you have my support." Francis affirmed, before turning a sly look to the Brit. "Are you supportive, Arthur?

"Always." Arthur sighed like it was some huge thing to admit. "Just don't become a workaholic."

"Like you?" Alfred grinned.

"I've toned it back over the years!" Arthur retorted. "Not that it's any of your business how much work I take on."

"But it is if it's Alfred?" Francis raised an eyebrow.

"I'm the eldest so I won't have you question me," Arthur said firmly. "Anyway, about tonight - as far as I'm aware we're still carpooling so you had better be ready by the time we agreed on and if you change your mind at least have the decency to tell me so I'm not waiting-"

"Yeah yeah, we'll be ready," Alfred rolled his eyes. "Also I don't know why you think we're just gonna ditch ya. You do this every time like I'm gonna be some asshole that can't communicate-"

"I don't know, you're -ah" Arthur's defensive tirade fell flat when he lost his words and waved his hand around as an explanation before distracting himself by putting the milk back in the fridge "-you change your mind on a whim. Whatever, I'm glad you can see it's silly to take two cars anyway."

"You might find it silly, but I'm sure we could give you a very good reason why going alone would be in your best interest..." Francis said in the most sultry voice he could muster.

"Yeah we can be real embarrassing..." Alfred said as he waggled his eyebrows.

A haunted look came on Arthur's face and his mouth twitched.

"What I'm hearing is if I don't act as your taxi, you'll get yourself killed in a road accident because you two tarts can't restrain your urges-"

Alfred snorted and Francis laughed.

"It'd be Darwinism in action," Arthur said blankly as he turned to leave. "I don't want to see you until it's time to leave. You'd better be ready."

Of course they'd be ready! Alfred reassured Arthur of that. How could they not be when they'd be spending the next few hours in great anticipation anyway?

Oh well, it was a couple of hours to unwind with Francis so no complaints there... there was a movie Alfred had been meaning to watch and he couldn't think of a better time than now.

⊱֍⊰

There was no official reason for the 'party' because that's what Alfred discovered 'dinner' really was when they arrived and Antonio greeted them with a camera to catch their surprise.

Arthur's surprise quickly turned to ire at being recorded. He just knew he'd be picked on once again and the narrative through the subjective lens of the camera and editing skills would most definitely be against him. The last thing he wanted was for those who heckled him on a regular basis to have confirmation bias as the internet ganged up on his character too.

"I should've seen this coming. I knew something was up when you ordered so much," Francis's tone was one of approval as he gave Antonio a greeting hug and customary greeting kisses.

"I would've loved to have you in on it but I wanted to see your face too," Antonio laughed.

"My face? I'm hardly surprised, my face is one of beauty. You'd better take a photo, it'll last longer~"

"Fuck! I know!" Gilbert shouted as he came over, roughly sloshing his drink in hand with his movements. "Drunk photoshoot!"

Everyone liked that idea and put it on their mental 'to-do' list.

"So, amigos, I had an idea for a video tonight. I'll record everyone having their first drink and then record everyone at the end of the night and ask how many drinks everyone had!"

"Oh fuck yeah, this is gonna be good!" Alfred proclaimed.

"Why do I have a feeling you're all placing bets on how this is gonna turn out?" Arthur rolled his eyes. Gilbert just laughed suspiciously and downed the rest of his drink.

"You'll have to let me in on your bets," Francis said slyly as he made his way through the house. Antonio gave a matching grin of promise.

"So, here's the drinks-" Antonio led them to the kitchen where they could see there was no shortage of choice when it came to drinking. Whether it was something in a single can or bottle or something to pour into a glass or something to mix up DIY style, there was not a singular inch of the kitchen that had a space inch of surface available. Of course ,there were some non-alcoholic options but they didn't really register as an option. Alfred let out a whistle of approval and eager to begin, started with grabbing a random can within reach and wasted no time in opening it. He was only just stopped by Antonio before he drank it.

"Wait, amigo," Antonio said as he brought out his phone. "You have to say your name and that it's your first drink tonight, then how many you think you'll have tonight!"

"Alright! I'm Alfred, Al for short and this is my first drink. I'm gonna have at least 50 drinks tonight!" He held the can up like he was toasting the camera before tipping his head back and downing it in one go. Alfred finished with a loud exaggerated 'ahhhh' before crunching the can and tossing it into the recycling bin provided.

Antonio gave Alfred a thumbs up before turning to film Francis, who had already poured himself a glass of wine.

"I'm Francis~ This is my first drink," Francis swished the tumbler around before taking a prolonged sip, eyes lighting up as he did. "And I think I'm just going to take this bottle with me."

Antonio's eyes crinkled with amusement as Francis made a show of holding up the wine.

"Perfect! I just know this video is going to turn out great!"

"Fuck," Alfred's hand grabbed Francis' shoulder violently as an idea just came to him. "You know what we should've done?! We should've done the thing where couples link their arms to drink!" Alfred turned to Antonio with a pleading expression. "Can we redo it again and make it a couple thing?"

"Nope, that would be lying!" Antonio shook his head. "But I could just take it as a separate video."

"It would be perfect to include in our wedding slideshow," Francis said casually, just like he always did whenever he had a wedding idea. That's what Alfred reminded himself anyway as he felt his smile strain. "But you have to drink this."

Alfred shrugged in acceptance as Francis poured him a glass of the wine he was drinking before linking their arms. To Alfred, alcohol was alcohol, even if it wasn't his cup of tea.

Speaking of tea, Alfred couldn't see Arthur in the room so he was all clear to scheme.

"We have got to get Arthur to do this - by this I mean the before and after thing. You know what I mean cus his 'after'..."

"Yeah, we've got bets where he's going to end up tonight," Antonio agreed.

"That's hard to say, he does know his limits and he knows how he gets when he passes them..." Francis mused. "As long as he doesn't get stuck in the phase of sad drunk..."

"Don't worry, I won't let him," Alfred said confidently, "we've just gotta get Arthur to drink something first!"

"That won't be too hard," came Arthur's voice as he walked in and went straight for a pint glass.

Francis laughed French-ly, at least that's what Alfred thought when he made French noises when he laughed. Alfred loved to hear it and it always made him laugh too.

"You'd better be careful," Francis advised as Arthur filled the pint to capacity.

"I won't have you reprimand me. I know what I'm doing," Arthur muttered.

"And that's getting sloshed right?" Alfred said with a shit-eating grin.

"Are you sure you don't want to be in the video?" Antonio questioned. "You know we can edit you out after if you'd like? I'm not an asshole amigo."

"Fine, go ahead. But you'd better show me after before you post it tomorrow."

"Fuck yeah!" Alfred held his hand up for Arthur to high-five. The older brother rolled his eyes as his hand made contact.

"So say your name, that it's your first drink and how many you think you'll have tonight," Antonio explained as he got the camera ready.

"Right, well, my name is Arthur and this is my first drink of the night. It's hard to say how many I plan to have, that depends on how the night goes on. Though, how could anyone say how many they've had at the end of the night? I expect that most will lose count and it will be impossible to measure when everyone's mixing drinks- I digress," Arthur drank a couple of mouthfuls for the camera while Alfred cheered and urged him on from the sidelines. "I expect to have enough to almost throw up but I'll stop after that."

"Aren't you responsible?" Alfred snickered. "Good thing we're sleeping over huh."

"It's not too far to walk," Arthur said like Alfred should've figured that out from the start. "We can get the car in the morning."

Nope, Alfred would just make Arthur stay and if his older brother is too drunk to resist then that would just be all the easier. Sleepover! Also, that sentence would totally sound fucked up if he said it out loud, it made Alfred mentally chuckle a bit, his moods perhaps a little higher than usual because tonight was gonna be a good night.

It's been a while since Alfred's gotten drunk drunk. It must be a sign that he was growing up because it became rarer and rarer that when he went drinking he'd even think about drinking so much that it could affect him the next day. Seriously, he had years of experience and 'lesson learned' moments that he now had a healthy respect for alcohol.

But he was so looking forward to letting loose tonight!

Francis muttered something to Antonio and with both his friend's eyes on him, Alfred had a feeling they just made a bet on him...  possibly even agreed on it. Alfred squinted at them as he picked up another can of beer while sipping on the glass of wine. He'd have to encourage them to drink too... because tonight everyone was here and they were gonna have a good time!

Maybe he could find Gilbert and make a bet against Francis... hmmm, but what?

Francis getting drunk and trying to teach Alfred French seemed to be a safe bet. Now to find Gilbert...

⊱֍⊰

It was a couple of hours in that Alfred could comfortably admit that he was 'drunk'. He'd been toeing the fine line of tipsy for too long and now that most of the partygoers had finally inched over that line Alfred was ready for things to get silly. As things did when nearly everyone was drunk.

He was sitting on one of the living room couches with Lovino, pestering him because it was almost as fun as pestering Arthur but just a different flavour. Okay, Alfred wasn't really the one pestering Lovino. He just noticed Lovino was ticked off by something and Alfred cared to debate whatever it was. 

He just didn't expect Lovino to come out and just say it. Well, it wasn't really 'just said', there was some back and forth before Lovino actually cut to the chase. Lovino had been staring at a tipsy Feliciano who had been trying to make Ludwig sit on his lap for the past 5 minutes, but Ludwig kept refusing and ignoring him because he was too busy talking to his and Feliciano's grandfathers... Alfred found it just as amusing as Lovino didn't like it. Lovino had nothing sweet and everything sour to say at the scene, making Alfred giggle into his own drink because damn, Lovino didn't hold back and Alfred loved that for him. The alcohol made everything that Lovino said just instantly funny and Alfred couldn't keep a straight face.

But then Lovino must've been partly drunk and was a little more in touch with his feelings than usual because he just straight up said that he was annoyed that he's still single and watching his brother's sickening display eugh, made him think that he'd never get what was simply just given to his brother. That he'd never have anyone to just give him love and so he'd never get any love without this hypothetical person and he needed it from this perfect imaginary person because the real problem was that Lovino was the way he was and not the way Feliciano was. 

It took a second for the words to word in Alfred's drunk mind, before making him sober up just a little bit, if only because the wording and the feeling behind it made him a little bit... worried. His stomach jolted and sat uncomfortably as all he could think about was-

Anyway, Alfred was always one to be there for his friends and quickly thought about how he could help to solve this problem! Alfred stood from the couch and stumbled as he spun around, surveying the room. He squinted at each face and lingered as it took a second to recognise through the haze of liquor. 

The solution was obviously to try and find Lovino a boo.

Alfred could see Antonio and Gilbert zipping through the room, making sure everyone had a drink, but no Francis. A shame, but he was not an available contender for Lovino's heart as he already had a heart. Alfred's heart. Alfred slipped on his drink and thought about finding Francis after this.

Antonio left the room just as quickly as he entered and while Alfred knew he was single, he was also kinda Lovino's brother so Alfred moved on.

Gilbert, currently bugging his brother into a drinking contest with two pints of beer each, looked torn between distraught and proud when Ludwig was able to keep up with him -  Arthur would say that was a typical older sibling plight. Feliciano bounced on the couch and clapped while the grandfathers both had varying levels of visible approval on their faces. 

Gilbert was still single, something which Alfred thought was really stupid and maybe he'd even say that tonight if he drank more. His friend couldn't last longer than a fling because he was hung up about feeling 'cursed' because his last serious crush kinda... But Alfred wasn't one to speak, he was hung up too and that would make him a hypocrite. But Gilbert wasn't gonna stay emotionally unavailable forever, right?

But Gilbert was kinda close with Antonio. Well, not 'kinda'. Gilbert, Antonio and Francis were all practically brothers in all but blood. Maybe Alfred should suggest they do the thing that people do in the movies where they make a cut on their hands and then shake hands. Who knows, they might actually do it. That's how adoption works, right? Arthur would be so against it, citing that it was demonic or something. Then he'd cite that it's just plain stupid because they'd have to cut themselves to do it.

Alfred could feel his head tilting off his shoulders and his eyes felt funny as he righted himself. He had to stay on task and force his overactive mind to open up the mental 'task manager' and shut all irrelevant thoughts down. Back to finding Lovino a boo.

There was Lovino's Nonno, but he was kinda too old and too related... And Gilbert's grandfather was just as old and definitely a no.

It took a couple of minutes sweeping the room with his eyes before Alfred hit himself on the face and stumbled back into the wall because he didn't know how he didn't make this connection earlier.

Arthur had walked through and he was single! It wasn't something Alfred leveraged against his older brother but he really should (because it made so much damn sense, full offence Arthur). 

"I know you who should um, get with!" Alfred said as he plonked back onto the couch, Lovino making a noise of disruption. "Arthur!"

Alfred pointed to his older brother and he only just had the thought that maybe Arthur was in the too-old category but eh, who was Alfred to say? Maybe that made Arthur a cougar-

"Ew," Alfred muttered at his thoughts. Then he heard that Lovino was swearing at him and it was happening too fast to make out any individual words, one of Lovino's many talents.

Maybe Alfred should've scouted out more guests instead of just sticking to this room, but he was stuck with his choice now and he was going to see it through.

"Think about it, you can swear a lot and shit and so can Arthur so see? You're both kinda the same! You're both spicy and get annoyed easily y'know? Wait, what if you get annoyed at each other and then you just get circle in and stuck? Going on and on y'know? Or maybe you'd get annoyed at things together and that's be cute wouldn't it huh? Fuck I can't really think about it now but I bet you'd make a great couple."

Lovino, who had still been swearing, simply sacrificed the contents of his glass to send his message. Alfred just started laughing uncontrollably, feeling the couch shake as he laughed and finished the rest of his drink. He didn't even feel his wet shirt which seemed to bother Lovino more.

"That's not the fucking problem! I'm the problem! It'll never happen  because I just can't let people love me!"

Oh. Alfred was tackling this problem all wrong. Lovino thought the solution was he get in a relationship, but that was probably just a bandaid he thought would fix him.

"Okay, fuck, yeah, uh, maybe that's not what you wanted to hear. I get it, ew Arthur amirite? But Lovi, I just want you to know that I love you, alright? So even if you can't find a bed warmer at least you have your friends and family." Then Alfred hugged his friend, who tried to push him off. Alfred didn't even need to fight, he just flopped on his friend and let Lovino punch his back. "Also, I don't dunno know what you mean by people give Feli love, you make it sound like it's just him but everyone gives you love too but they have to love you different because you're spicy- Holy shit, it's just like me and Arthur! He's spicy so I can't act super obviously nice or he'll be weird about it! Anyways you have people to love you why don't you just pretend you're super drunk so it's not weird for you to be all lovelydovely? Then you can get what you want, y'know?"

"Because that's fucking stupid!" Lovino spat out.

Alfred thought about it. Yeah, that was stupid. Fucking stupid. Before he got with Francis he tried hinting while drunk and it didn't work so it probably wouldn't work here too.

"How about you drink a lot so you have the courage to tell people you want them to love you because you don't feel loved the way you want to be loved and then because you're drunk it won't be as hard or as embarrassing and then you'd feel listened to and you could work it out all tonight and then tomorrow things will be fine, I don't know-"

Alfred just said anything he could think of and let it fall out of his mouth hoping at least something would spur Lovino into action. Alfred was just about out of breath when he finally finished his pleading. "C'mon, how about it?"

Alfred liked to think it was his earnest optimism, but eventually, he made Lovino agree. He wouldn't have stopped until he did. He didn't remove himself until Lovino hugged him back.

"Fuck, it's a good thing I only do the money stuff for the foundation," Alfred said as he used the back of the couch to pull himself up. "Because I don't know shit about 'coping strategies' or uh, I don't know."

"Huh?"

"I work for - well, with? Fuck, I don't know, some mental healthy charity.  Or maybe I got these mad big brain emotional skills from all those YouTube videos I watched... Doesn't matter. How about I get Antonio for you? You could start with him."

"Why fucking him?" Lovino's tone wasn't actually mad, if anything it was a little uneasy. Alfred had to assume that this was hard for him. If he wasn't so drunk he might find it easier to think about what it would be like in someone else's shoes so all he could assume was that Lovino was extremely embarrassed. Easy assumption when Lovino was bright red. Now that Alfred thought about it, Lovino was red a lot. Did that mean he was always embarrassed? Maybe that's why he was spicy because who liked feeling embarrassed?

"Because he's your brother and he loves you unconditionally even if you're weird about it- just like me and Arthur, for real for real. You could punch him but he'd just bounce back like one of those roll-y things, y'know?"

"Huh? How much have you drunk?"

"Not enough!" Alfred swung his arms out as he jumped up. A wave of cold air hit his shirt and he remembered that Lovino had thrown something on it.

"Fuck, I'll get clean. And another drink. Uh," Alfred looked around the room to see Feliciano kicking his legs, bored on the couch, apparently done with the grandfather's conversation that still had Ludwig's attention. "How about you talk with Feli?"

Lovino's anxious gaze crossed the room and landed on his twin brother.

"Just think about it? Or you could just straight up grab him and drag him outside, cus he'd go anywhere you take him y'know? Then you'll have him alone and you can yap about your feelings-"

"Just to shut you up-" Lovino said as he pushed himself off the couch and stode away.

"You can do it Lovi!" Alfred knew he should probably mind his inside voice and not do anything that might make Lovino change his mind, but Alfred needed to hype up his friend.

He still needed to wash his shirt, which made him go to the kitchen which coincidentally had all the alcohol. Two stones one bird... no, wait? One bird... two stones? Huh?

Alfred didn't have time to ponder sayings because then Francis was there, giving him a bright smile as he passed off a drink to one hand and took Alfred's other. Gilbert and Antonio were there and Alfred had to wonder if a bet was going on because there was a lot of amused looks being thrown around.

Also they were all clearly under the effect of alcohol too and Francis had somehow lost his pants sometime during the night. Actually, Gilbert had lost his shirt and Antonio had lost his shoes too and Alfred didn't feel the need to question anything. He was an 'accept things at face value' kinda guy.

Expect that Francis was pulling Alfred along somewhere and while Alfred let him, he just had to know-

"Where are we going?"

"Not we, you!" Antonio said, loud with eagerness.

"To the basement! It'll be just like the first time!" Gilbert's brash voice was also louder than necessary.

"Wait- first time what?"

"That we kissed~" Francis sing-songed as he opened the basement door.

"Oh fuck yeah lesss go!" Alfred pumped his free hand. "7 minutes in heaven style!"

"We'll be just up here," Antonio called down and Gilbert laughed as he shut the door, leaving only the gaps of the door to shine slithers of light into the dark space.

Chapter Text

Alfred managed to feel for the light jutting out of the rough wall before he and Francis tripped down the basement stairs, only just able to get their footing before crashing into the wall completely consumed by each other.

It might've been the alcohol, but Alfred couldn't keep his breathing steady as laughter kept bursting forward.

"I just love~ your energy," Francis exclaimed as he straightened himself with the help of the wall.

"No you!" Alfred couldn't keep a smile off his face as he pointed an accusatory finger back at Francis, who grabbed onto that hand. Alfred looked him up and down with exaggerated suggestiveness before pausing.

"Do you want my jacket?" Alfred was ready to shrug it off at a moment's notice. He didn't have a problem that Francis somehow (and that was a story he'd love to hear) lost his pants but they were still at a party around a lot of alcohol and other people... and maybe he was cold? 

Did he need an excuse to be a good boyfriend?

Or maybe Alfred just wanted to see Francis wearing his jacket. No, he really really wanted to see Francis wearing his jacket. Either sitting on his shoulders or tied around his waist, Alfred really didn't care he was going to make it happen.

"It's not the jacket I want," Francis lunged and grabbed at Alfred's jacket, using it to pull him into a kiss. Alfred pulled him in as they crashed against the wall.

Alfred could taste whatever sweet stuff Francis had been drinking and he was sure that Francis could taste the mixed drinks he'd been downing too. Alfred could only hope he didn't smell bad because whatever perfume Francis was wearing smelt so good he was tempted to lick it off Francis' skin-

No don't do that, that would be weird and it would taste weird. Some things unfortunately just didn't taste like how they smelt. Alfred had learnt that important lesson from vanilla extract... but it took him no time at all to recover his trust in his evil boyfriend for pulling that stunt and he had no issues accepting food as an apology after! Though it really was a shame that vanilla extract didn't taste how it should... that smelt so good...

But his boyfriend did smell very good. Maybe Alfred was biased because he really, really loved his boyfriend.

Besides, how Francis smelt was only an afterthought as the kissing session was so good they ended up crashing on the cold floor while still grasping at each other. It only spurred Alfred on because after all, this was what nights like these were supposed to look like - living in the moment and making memories!

Alfred didn't even care when his glasses somehow got knocked and became skewed. Not when he was so caught up in digging one hand into his boyfriend's back to pull him in and the other twirling his super soft hair-

Eventually, they pulled away, thoroughly out of breath and just sat on the floor leaning on each other. It was most definitely not the alcohol, he wouldn't even try to blame it on the alcohol, but Alfred just couldn't keep his hands off. He pulled back from Francis' shoulder and cupped his face in his hands as he just blabbed sweet words. The blabbing was due to the alcohol but you know what they say - drunk words are sober thoughts or something. He couldn't think of any sayings at this point in time. Alfred giggled as he played with Francis' hair because he was a schoolgirl at heart. 

"Fuck, your hair's so fucking pretty. You're just pretty. Have I told you that? Probably not enough, I'm just gonna tell you now while I'm drunk."

"You've told me many times, don't worry. But I do love hearing it again."

"And it looks sooooo good when you put it up," Alfred pushed Francis' hair back.

"Oh? You think so?" Francis said slyly as he reached down... and his face fell. "I have a hair tie in my pants."

"How'd you even lose them?" Alfred burst out laughing.

"We were going to go streaking but then we got distracted... I don't remember how."

Alfred snorted, then slapped his hands down on Francis' shoulders as an idea came to him - "I'll just start carrying hair ties then!"

Francis shook his head with a smile and cupped Alfred's face in response, then began treading his fingers through his hair.

"Have I ever told you how your hair suits you?" Francis mused back.

"A couple of times?" Alfred questioned and matched the same level of touchiness. Everything was perfect because they had both drunk the right amount of alcohol for everything to be perfectly silly. "Obviously you think I know your hair suits you but you can't ever cut your hair-"

"I would never!" Francis sounded aghast as he fisted his hand.

"Yeah, you can't ever!" Alfred nodded. "Damn, I can't even imagine you with short hair. That's a real cursed image right there, sheeeesh."

"Eugh, I understand-" Francis reached to flick his own hair, very satisfied with his appearance before turning back to Alfred. 

"I can't imagine you with long hair, it just wouldn't look right-" Francis chuckled but then his face abruptly fell and his eyes had a sense of alarm, piercing through the foggy haze of alcohol.

Yeah, Alfred made the connection from the moment Francis said it. Even with how much he had to drink, how drunk he was could never really erase him. But now that Francis was reacting it was making him feel like he should be reacting. Alfred didn't feel anything, was that bad?

"Yeah I could never grow it out," Alfred tried to sound reassuring but he just sounded flat, even to his own ears. He sighed and tried to push forward. "It's fine, I know I'm usually the one to bring it up but you don't have to be weird about it! Cus then that just makes me feel weird about it! And I don't wannahaveta treat it like it's weird cus it's not."

Alfred was feeling a little too sharp to really call himself drunk and wished they had the sense to bring drinks down with them. He needed to be drunker.

"Right, I'm sorry," Francis flushed but the moment had passed and now the basement was a bit bigger than before and a whole lot more quieter.

"Look, it's just- yeah." Alfred didn't know what to say. Really, he knew what Francis meant- damn he should say that. "I knew what you meant, that you couldn't picture me, as in Alfred, with long hair. And I get it... I don't picture Matthew with short hair so it's not like I actually think of him when I look in the mirror. And you were just being silly, we can be silly about stuff even if it's Matthew things. He's the one who's missing out."

Francis chuckled at that and clasped Alfred's hand in his.

"I'm sorry, I know I changed the mood. I can't treat you like glass. You're too tough."

"Exactly, I'm sooo tough, so how about we pick up where we left off?" Alfred suggested as he used the hand to tug Francis on him and into his lap. Without hesitating the pair were back at it again, lips locked and arms tightly around the other. They were so captivated by the other that the increasingly loud laughter on the other side of the door didn't ring any warning bells in their minds.

They only jolted when the door burst open and Arthur came storming down with a pint in one hand and a spray bottle in the other.

"Fucking hell! Have some decency!" Arthur commanded, sounding very threatening despite needing the railing to get down the stairs safely and finishing his drink while he was at it. "You!" 

Arthur used his pint to point at Francis, who was currently straddling Alfred in a very compromising position lying on the floor.

"Get off him!"

Arthur then aimed the spray bottle at Francis and pulled the trigger, over and over as if he was a bad dog.

As a disclaimer, Alfred knew that Arthur approved... but he also knew that Arthur was Arthur. And since Alfred was Alfred, he was more than willing to do anything that got under his older brother's skin.

And because he and Francis were so close (also close physically, which was kinda the problem for Arthur right now) Alfred knew Francis was thinking exactly the same thing - they met in the middle for a huge, cringeworthy, exaggeratedly sloppy kiss. This only encouraged Arthur to lose his fucking shit as he cried out in disgust and shoved Francis off of Alfred, who blinked in surprise and gawked when his older brother used his empty pint glass as a distance enforcement weapon to keep the French at bay.

"How dare you assault my brother!" Arthur shrieked.

Alfred had a Grinch-like smile grace upon his face.

"What if I want him to assault me??"

Francis had a similar sinister look grace his face at the same time as Arthur spluttered in disgust.

"What if I want him to assault me?" Francis raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah? What if we want to assault each other? Francis come assault me again," Alfred held his arms out for Francis, who moved towards him but Arthur was relentless with the spray bottle and the pint.

"You deserve assault," Arthur insisted as he beat Francis with the pint.

Alfred was shuddering with giggles as Arthur's voice became impossibly shrill when he realised that Francis wasn't wearing pants.

"Where the heavens are your pants! You rotten bloody tart!"

Arthur's use of the pint because 10 times more violent as his face reddened to concerning levels of red. Like, visible from space red.

"How did you just notice?" Alfred was nearly rolling around on the floor as he watched Francis just stay out of an enraged Arthur's reach.

"Why have you lost- how have you lost your pants?"

"I'm sure you could imagine~" Francis said with a wink which did nothing to keep him safe from Arthur.

"I got hungry-" Alfred gasped for air as the silliness of the situation was alcohol enough. He could barely see straight from laughing so hard and his sides hurt.

"I swear if that's a set-up to insult my cooking-" Arthur glared as he turned around on Alfred and readied the pint.

"He doesn't need to insult your cooking, not when your cooking is an insult to the art itself-" 

Francis was a dead man.

"Yeah exactly, I don't even need to say anything when the smoke alarm says it for me!" Alfred managed to get out as he laughed, but maybe fortunately for him, Arthur didn't hear it. He didn't think he was capable of maneuvering like Francis was right now, not when he would barely breathe and his eyes were watering.

Alfred made eye contact with Gilbert and Antonio, who could barely hold their laughter. It looked like they were constipated just trying to hold it in, or like a stress ball under too much pressure and was just waiting to burst. Gilbert's face was completely red as he smothered his hand over his mouth and Antonio was gripping the door frame for dear fucking life as he doubled over.

Usually, they didn't hold their laughter at all, but with both phones pointed at an oblivious Arthur, they clearly didn't want to invoke the wrath that came with having the angry man notice he was being recorded right now.

Alfred would so be asking for that video later. Truly a shame it would never be posted for the world to see but a work of art like that belonged in his own phone's gallery.

Eventually, Francis slipped past Arthur with a face of amused satisfaction as he ran up the stairs.

"I'll let you brothers bond, with your appropriate brotherly love-"

"Oh sod off!" Arthur yelled as he threw the empty spray bottle at a drenched Francis.

Alfred felt something echo through the overwhelming haze of dizziness and laughter.

...brotherly love... brotherly love...
Fuck.

"Antoni, you need to Lovino talk with! Ah, fuck. Talk to Lovi, he wants to talk to you," Alfred waved his hands. "Just go!"

Antonio didn't even question it, just giving a thumbs up before Gilbert shut the door with a snicker and a wish of luck for Alfred because now he was in '7 minutes of hell'. With the door closed again, Alfred considered the Lovino thing solved and let it slip from his mind as his body still shook from laughter.

Arthur grumbled about the '7 minutes in hell' comment. Why the hell was it okay for everyone to act like such arseholes to him? Seriously?!

"Cus you be an asshole back? I dunno, I think we're just stuck that way now," Alfred shrugged to answer his brother's question and Arthur didn't realise that had been out loud. Reality was slightly... touchy at the moment.

Then Arthur was crashing into the wall and sliding down, apparently exhausted from his impromptu workout. He held up his pint and thankfully the glass was still intact. Unfortunately, it was empty. Arthur frowned at this.

"I need more beer," Arthur whined.

"Ugh me too." Alfred's head didn't spin enough for him to consider himself 'drunk'. Maybe tipsy at best. What a tragedy.

Arthur shoved the glass at Alfred with a demand to refill, which made Alfred scoff and go to shove it back- but then he noticed how his brother seemed to be swaying even while sitting... he was asking because he couldn't do it himself! Because he was drunk and wanted to get drunker! Perfect! Alfred had no reservations about complying.

"Don't be long!" Arthur's voice had an edge of desperation to it.

"I won't! One minute! Or two! Tops!"

He felt lighter than air as he ran up the stairs, a superpower that only came when drunk and Alfred needed more drinks if he wanted to hold onto his drunk status. He went past Gilbert and Francis, both watching the video while nearly balling their eyes out with laughter.

Alfred stuck his head in to watch the video and it yeah, it was just as funny as he expected and made him froth at the mouth as he couldn't contain his laughter and had to lean on Francis because the humour was crippling him. And maybe because he needed to be touchy. He was tempted to drag Francis back to the basement with him...

But he needed to get Arthur more drinks so Alfred moved on after demanding that the video be shared with him and reassuring them that Arthur was going to keep drinking so they should have their cameras ready!

He snatched a couple of cans and a bottle of something from the kitchen and could see Antonio was looking for someone outside. Alfred squinted to check who else was out there but couldn't see Lovino. He hoped that meant his friend was still talking with Feliciano and if they were talking that for long that probably was good news! Hopefully, it meant Lovino was sorting shit out. If only-

With drinks carefully held by arm, Alfred flew back down the basement stairs and fell to his knees in front of Arthur. His older brother had visibly changed demeanour in the few minutes that Alfred was gone and Alfred knew what was coming. Sad Arthur was incoming.

Arthur grabbed Alfred's shoulder because it needed to be said and he needed to say it now. Right now.

"I can only say this now and I need to say it because I know I don't say it enough but I love you and you'd better not run off somewhere I can't reach you, alright? I love you so much-"

Then Arthur pulled his little brother into the tightest hug he could muster. Alfred let him and managed to open and can and skull it while Arthur crushed his ribs and continued to ramble.

Every time Arthur got drunk he said the same thing and every morning after he was embarrassed by it. Despite the same song and dance going on for years, whenever Alfred was drunk too he reacted as if it were the first time he heard it. Well, the first time he knew how to respond to it, at least. Without getting weird about it because eugh emotions scary.

"I know, I love you too. And I'm sorry for always bullying you but I just feel like I can't not bully you cus then it'll be weird, you know? Like that's how our relationship is and I'm not really sure how to act outside shitting on you, you know? But I'm sure you know I don't mean it cus I know you don't mean it when you do it," Alfred managed to wiggle his way out of Arthur's arms without pushing him away because he knew exactly what that would be seen as. Alfred could never push Arthur away, he just didn't have the heart...

To make up for the lack of physical contact he pointed to the drinks he brought down and let Arthur grab what he wanted.

"Besides, you know I'm not gonna leave you," Alfred continued as he opened another drink, the sound of a can hissing lost in the noise coming from upstairs. "And I know you're not gonna leave me. We'll be together forever."

"Good, let's drink to it then," Arthur said as he clumsily stuck his drink out and Alfred stupidly hit them a little too hard together. Arthur cursed as the precious liquid ran down his arm and raced to drink. It ran down Alfred's arm too but he just wiped it with his jacket sleeve and laughed as he got himself comfortable on the floor. As far as drunk Arthur goes, his brother could be a whole lot more clingier and was holding himself back. If Alfred was honest he wouldn't mind if Arthur got clingy. It's how Alfred knew he was loved, being clung to with desperation...

He knew it was kinda fucked up.

He also knew that acting annoying towards each other was his and Arthur's own clinginess. He knew why they were stuck acting that way and it was because they were cowards. They couldn't be vulnerable outside the scheduled 'appropriate' moments of vulnerability or if there were weird strings attached to a situation allowing them to be vulnerable. Maybe Alfred would consider not being a coward when he wasn't drunk.

Okay, that wasn't completely true. Alfred and Arthur's relationship had improved a lot actually and Alfred felt he could talk to his brother about anything and if he kept it serious then Arthur wouldn't turn it into something teasing and step up as a big brother. Something had irreversibly changed when Matthew left. Alfred's relationship with his older brother improving had been a silver lining... 

Alfred finished his drink and grabbed another.

"Gah, speaking of together forever," Arthur gasped as he finished his drink and grabbed another, "you and Francis. I need you to tell me everything now. Everything because I need to stay in the know. Come on, spill!"

Okay, Alfred could speak his mind. He could tell Arthur anything and it would be okay. Maybe Arthur would help make things okay. Being his older brother, Alfred had to admit he had some faith in him.

Also, he'll be a nice brother and not point out how it sounds like Arthur has bad FOMO from asking that.

"Right, so uh, we're good, obviously. But also yesterday Francis told me that I had to propose because he's ready but I'm the one who's not so once I'm ready I can propose."

"I thought for sure Francis would be the one to do it, considering he's such a romantic," Arthur muttered as he continued to drink. "So when are you going to propose?"

"I don't know," Alfred said too quickly, sipping on his drink before blurting his thoughts. "Uh, I just can't feel like I can do it. Which is stupid cus there's no pressure cus nothing would change but things would just be legal and official so... yeah. I know I should just do it but should I just do it because I should just do it or is that wrong?"

Alfred couldn't really articulate right now so he drunk drank some more.

"You're phrasing this like you actually want my advice," Arthur cocked his head and squinted. "Do you want my advice? Can I give it to you?"

"Why are you asking?" Alfred joked as he hiccuped. "Usually you just yap and expect us to listen, y'know?"

"And usually that pisses you off! I'm trying to be nice here! I am nice you know!" Arthur moved to sit beside Alfred and slung an arm around his shoulders as he crashed into his brother, pulling him in tight. "I can't remember if you said yes or no so you'll have my advice anyway. You might never feel ready but he might reach a point where he wants it more than he's scared... No not 'he', 'you'" Arthur tutted as he corrected himself. "You're scared. I can't say I blame you..."

"Isn't it bad if I'm even a little bit scared? Like, why the fuck should I be scared? It's not Francis I'm scared about so that's good right? I want this but do I not want it enough if I'm being weird about it too? Fuck I can't explain-"

Arthur slapped a hand over Alfred's mouth and shushed him.

"I need to talk while I'm feeling wise so just listen," Arthur murmured and took a drink. "You always used to go on about how brave you are so how about you prove it by just doing it. Just do it scared. Just take the plunge and be scared while doing it because you won't be scared alone. You have Francis and, more importantly, you have me. And all your other miscellaneous friends that just show up-"

Alfred licked Arthur's hand. Not because he needed his mouth back to say anything but just because he wanted to. Arthur, despite just calling himself wise, thought to grab Alfred's hand and lick it to 'even' them out.

"Okay! I'm sorry!" Alfred wiped his hand on himself and Arthur wiped his on Alfred too. It didn't even matter when his shirt and jacket were already dirty, what's one more questionable substance on him?

"So how do I know when I'm more ready than scared?" Alfred had to squint to hear Arthur's answer properly.

"I have no bloody idea, it's not me getting married... well, you're not getting married, just engaged. Focus on getting engaged first and then you can stay engaged for as long as you'd like and then wait until you're ready again. Just take it one step at a time."

Alfred made a noise of affirmation to show Arthur he heard instead of nodding because now he was drunk again and the room was tripping like some kind of illusion.

"Plus you and Francis deserve to learn how to be happy. Maybe if you figure it out you might inspire the group to overcome their fears or whatever is going on with everyone. I don't know... some of them just have problems. Like Gilbert, for example, he needs to overcome his fear. Do you want to be like him?"

"No..." Alfred cringed as he thought about Gilbert. Maybe he should've done more to help him because Alfred knew about it but Gilbert just seemed fine even if he was kinda stupid but since Arthur was pointing it out then probably not! Maybe he could still try to help him...

Arthur and Alfred finished their drinks at the same time and Arthur sighed when he saw there was only a bottle of white wine left. Luckily Alfred was a problem solver - he opened the bottle and poured some into his discarded empty can before giving Arthur the bottle. See? Sharing was easy!

They both took a long swig.

"Alfred I need to tell you something but you have to promise you'll forgive me." Tears were springing into Arthur's eyes as he got choked up, which alarmed Alfred.

"Fuck? What? What is it?"

"Alfred, you have to promise-" Arthur was grabbing onto his jacket now with an intensity that only made Alfred nervous.

"Yes! Okay! What is it?!"

"I don't want you to get married!"

"What?! Why?!" Alfred felt his heart sink as his breath caught in his throat. Part of him felt like Arthur had to be wrong but part of him worried that Arthur would be right and he couldn't get married because there was a totally valid reason and Alfred just had to know what it was because he needed to know everything before getting into this and oh God, his stomach was churning-

"I can't keep giving you all this advice like I'm so mature when I'm evidently not because I don't want you to go!"

"I'm not going fucking anywhere?! Arthur, what the fuck are you talking about? Do actually hate Francis or something? Why don't you want me to marry him?"

"It's not him, I just don't want you to get married!" Arthur was shoving his face into his only brother's shirt as he held onto him with an unyielding grip and shook as he cried. "It doesn't matter who you marry because it means you'll leave me too! You'll have to move out because you can't be married and live with your older brother! That's just not right!"

Swallowing felt... difficult. The air was just a little too thick. Alfred... hadn't thought about that. But he supposed he already knew. Maybe that's what he was scared of and what was haunting him.

Because taking the next step would change things. And as much as he wanted the benefits of the next step and he romanticised everything being okay... he didn't want things to change. That's what he was scared of.

He didn't want to leave Arthur. He didn't want Arthur to leave him. Neither could leave the other and if Alfred moved out... Arthur just wouldn't be within reach anymore. Alfred needed Arthur just there and he knew it wasn't exactly normal but it was what he needed.

"So that's why you should do it!" Arthur outburst. "Because I'll hate it. You like doing things I hate, right? Does this motivate you to overcome your fear? Just do it already!"

Alfred could feel his lip wobbling so he pinched it between his teeth.

"That's not how it has to be, right?" Alfred was pleading, searching for a solution- "Maybe- maybe Francis could move in or-"

"Are you fucking stupid?" Arthur snapped before gasping. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I really shouldn't insult you especially if it might make you leave-"

"I don't want to leave! You can't make me leave!" 

"I don't want you make you leave! I don't want to push you away by being an arsehole, especially when I just do it and never mean it."

"Well, I don't wanna make you go away by being a dick too!"

"Good!" Arthur suddenly had a look come over his face. "We're going in circles now. Neither of us will actually leave and I'm glad we've established that...

"Well we're family so... can't really leave," Alfred shrugged. "Wanna pinky promise."

Arthur had a fond look as his eyes landed on Alfred's outstretched arm.

"Alright."

They both promised and then had some more alcohol. They sat in silence for a few moments...

"I feel much better after that," Arthur said after a few mouthfuls of wine. "But that's not what we were talking about. We were talking about you and Francis."

"Yeah..."

Alfred remembered Francis saying Arthur couldn't come on their honeymoon. He really got it now. Luckily Alfred was somewhat of an optimist. To a ridiculous degree sometimes, but that was just how he was.

"Even if I get married and visit out I'll still move. Plus I won't even move far. What if-! I get a house on the same street or at least in the same neighbourhood? I'm sure I can convince Francis! Plus we can have sleepovers! And I'm always gonna have my phone on me so it's not like I'm gonna disappear-"

Arthur gave Alfred a great big hug, bringing his younger brother into his arms as he sobbed.

"I know," Arthur gulped down air as he cried. "I know it's wrong of me to assume you'll just piss off. I know how much you once wanted to move out and it's not fair that you're now like this. I should be a good big brother and encourage you to keep moving forward instead of holding you back!"

"It's not your fault cus I'm holding myself back too," Alfred's voice wobbled as he forced himself to admit it. "I don't wanna leave you either."

Maybe if they weren't drunk they'd realise they were going in circles again.

"Well, then I'll have to help you with that," Arthur was determined as he sat back and furiously wiped at his face. "First things first, you need a ring, right? Do you know what he likes?"

"Yeah we had a look the other night too and so I've got all the details," Alfred tapped the side of his empty head because after scrolling for so long on Pinterest all the rings just kinda blended together. But he had taken notes on his phone! He pulled it out to show Arthur.

"I can't really read that," Arthur muttered as he took the phone from Alfred and held it right up to his face. "I really hope this isn't a sign I need glasses."

"Nah, you're just drunk! I can't read it either and I'm wearing glasses!" Alfred chuckled. "Can you help me plan the uh... the proposal occasion, the uh, date... what's called? Yanno, that thing, can you help too?"

"Just proposal..." Arthur said slowly like he was unsure himself, which was fair because they were both drunk. He handed Alfred the phone back "Remind me when I'm sober. Well, when we're both sober. I'll help you plan it and when we're sober and then you can go through with it whenever you decide you're brave enough to."

Alfred's optimism was back and suddenly everything felt so easy because Arthur was going to help! Everything was going to turn out okay!

"Fuck yeah, you're the best Arthur. That's why you gonna be the best man!"

Any response Arthur had was squeezed out of him by Alfred's arms, oblivious to his drunken strength. Then it was the alcohol that made things weird again when Arthur started crying. At least Arthur would insist it was the alcohol.

Alfred would later realise that was the first time he had actually discussed who his best man would be with Arthur.

"What's wrong?" Alfred fretted.

"It's nothing! Ignore it!" Arthur sniffled as he rubbed at his eyes. "Fucking hell, I need to drink some more. All this because I know you won't leave me."

"Great, now I'm going to cry too," Alfred muttered as his eyes became watery. He blamed the alcohol too.

Then Arthur was pushing Alfred away.

"Well then go away! Go enjoy the party with everyone else before you catch my sadness!"

If Alfred was in a clearer mind, he'd remember he had just made a promise to never leave Arthur. But because he was drunk he was at the top of the stairs before he knew it and fumbling to get the door open. When he finally did he lurched his uncooperative body through the doorframe before falling into the door as he shut it. His stomach lurched from the sudden burst of energy.

But maybe his stomach wasn't just lurching from the burst of energy. There was something else, something strange. Having been drunk before, Alfred was well acquainted with the feeling of needing to be sick. This wasn't it.

But having this feeling overcome him many times before, he knew what it was. It haunted him and filled him with dread and angst. He was going to fucking cry.

Chapter Text

That feeling of having to cry for no reason at all was actually pretty fucking annoying. Alfred did try to push away the impending feeling but as much as he hated it, he knew it was coming. And not because it was unavoidable (which it was unavoidable), but because he was going to bring it on himself because suddenly the world just wasn't as vibrant as before.

This was a risk he had gambled against when he downed his first drink. Maybe drinking more would at least bounce his emotions back to being 'life of the party'?

Okay, Alfred knew that was stupid as fuck but he was desperate. He didn't want to ruin his or anyone else's night with his ugly and messy problems because he was not that guy who shovelled baggage onto other people and squashed them, okay? He'd never be that guy ᴀɢᴀɪɴ... So with janky, uncoordinated movements, he stumbled to the kitchen to grab something new, hitting his shoulder on the doorframe as he collided with it very ungracefully. Alfred re-oriented himself and went to keep going, but froze in the doorway.

Antonio, Gilbert and Francis were on the other side of the room, not having noticed him as they were all... discussing something? Alfred couldn't make out the words, not with the way his ears were ringing and his heart was squeezing and thumping with a panic that was rising just as quick as the temperature.

He was hot, and finding it a little hard to breathe.

Alfred wanted to collapse into Francis's arms... but he really didn't want to do that. Not now. Not when he suddenly felt so bitterly jealous that he couldn't ignore a pang that ripped through his chest. And then he felt like complete shit for feeling anything negative towards his friends. Because those were his friends, and he loved them! 

But why the fuck do they, after all this time, still get to be close and all be together? How do they get to just be together?! Why did they get that?! Alfred was grinding his teeth together because whatever he felt, he couldn't explain it. All he knew was he was stewing and it was eating him alive and it would never let him rest.

Why was he so threatened by his friends' closeness to each other? He was disgusted by it and by himself. He couldn't breathe deep enough as his eyes started to feel dry.

He ran outside and around the side of the house where he could be all alone and hide away because suddenly looking anyone in the eyes was the worst thing in the world and if they saw him he'd yell at them like the asshole he was. Alfred needed to be alone. He paced as his hands kept alternating between balling up and running through his hair as he tried to fight it off. But he was losing. All he wanted to do was curl up on the ground and cry. He did say that tonight was all about living in the moment and he couldn't even do that. The urge was too strong and not knowing how to stop it, he just went ahead and did it. 

Alfred dropped to the ground and curled up in the fetal position. He dug his teeth into his lip as tears spilled from his eyes and his breath hitched. The feeling consumed him as a violent sweep ran through his body, shaking him like a violent chill. Alfred had to slap a hand over his mouth and dig his fingers into his cheeks to keep himself from drawing attention-

All while insisting to himself that this was okay, that this was just from the stress of everything going on in his life and because he was drunk his tolerance was way down and he just needed an episode to get himself fixed and then he'd be fine-

He hiccuped and a sound broke through his hand. He clamped it down harder. Tears were running from his eyes and his skin felt like it was on fire as the moisture irritated him in all the worst ways. His hand clawed to clean his face and alleviate the salty burn but all it did was smudge and sting the corners of his eyes. Fucking hell. Fucking hell.

He wished he knew why he wasn't fine, there were a lot of options to be upset about and most of them were kinda fucking stupid. But they were all stressful and Alfred felt the strain of each.

His hand kept wiping with the desperation of a windshield wiper in a violent storm but it was all in vain. With each swipe his fingers became wetter and wetter, removing less and less and only serving to amplify his frustration because it wasn't fucking working-

Was it because Francis said Alfred had to propose? Was this his body fighting him to be ready or to stop him from being ready?

Or was it the dream he had last night? The promise he broke because he's a piece of shit-

Or was it that Arthur felt like shit? Or Lovino felt like shit? Or Gilbert felt like shit? Or that Matthew had felt like shit, Alfred's own twin brother that he always claimed he'd protect and take care for but clearly he just said that all for clout because he wore away at his own brother until there was nothing of Matthew left and he was just gone and Alfred couldn't even remember what he smelt like because just the other week he picked up the maple jumper and it smelt like nothing-

And it was because he saw Gilbert, Antonio and Francis' brotherhood of choice was fucking stronger than Alfred's with his own fucking twin-!

Alfred was taking shuddering breaths and the ache of laying on the pavement barely registered when he couldn't even see because the tears wouldn't fcuking ｓｔｏｐ.

Why did it have to hurt today, out of all days? Why couldn't he just flick the grief off like he usually did? He'd been so good lately with moving on and now he fucking ruined it.

Alfred ruined it. Who else could've? After all this time it was hard to blame Matthew. It should be easy to blame someone who wasn't there because he had pushed Matthew away.

It was Matthew's fault and it wasn't even Matthew's fault. Matthew didn't even exist. He was just a name in Alfred's mind. Like a word replayed over and over until it didn't even feel real.

"Matthew..."

It must've been the alcohol, but Alfred just felt the urge to whisper that name over and over into his tear-stained hand as he dug his unfeeling fingers into his cheeks and pulling with his nails. It felt like he was begging. Like he was pleading. For forgiveness he'd never get. Not from Matthew, and certainly never from himself.

"Why did you do this?" He cried into his hand. He didn't even know who he was asking. The universe? If so, he didn't expect an answer because the universe was so fucking cruel.

"I just want to know," Alfred swallowed thickly but the tears kept coming. "Please I just want to know. I'm so sorry, I know it's my fault I'm sorry. I feel sick..."

He knew. He was sure he knew. The topic of why was a strong taboo that despite never brought up, was always spoken about. 

Alfred knew, it didn't make sense. Nothing did. Everything did.

But Alfred would never know why.

"I just want you to tell me," he heaved again, unable to chase his breath and he was glad no one was around to hear him suck in air so pathetically. "I just want you to tell me why. I can guess why but I want to know why."

Somehow, he curled up tighter, dug his hands into his hair and pulled.

"Matthew... I'm so fucking sorry... I'm so sorry..."

The minutes stretched, far too long. Alfred lay there panting like he couldn't catch up with his racing thoughts. Slowly the tears stopped coming, but his face was still sticky and it made him want to cry all over again. His body didn't seem to get the memo, still breathing as if he were crying and his shaking shoulders couldn't keep still. Alfred couldn't help the paranoia that he'd alert someone to him and that was the last thing he wanted so he tried to stifle his breathing but to no avail.

He would've been content to lay there for a while and rot if it wasn't for another urge that came up on him.

He was surprised it didn't happen sooner, but after having drunk so much and gone on a rollercoaster of emotions; he had to throw up. This wasn't really an urge he could put off because his guts were becoming hot and tight. It forced him to jolt up and act immediately as his stomach lurched and his mouth began to water with the promise of bile.

He went to run to the front yard but turned back when he saw people. Then he tried the back yard but there were still people and he felt himself getting annoyed at them like it was their fault. Alfred didn't really want anyone to see him puke because then things would just get weird and people would force him to have water and talk to him in a weird voice which he would rather avoid. So with increasing distress as his throat constricted Alfred paced the side of the house desperately looking for a place to puke where no one would find it or catch him doing it.

With a mental apology, Alfred had to settle for a planter box on the wall because there was literally nothing else but pavement. He just hoped it wasn't one of Lovino's plants... or at least Lovino never figured out it was him who did it.

Once he could finally breathe steadily again, Alfred collapsed back onto the pavement where he stood, wiped his mouth with his admittedly filthy jacket and cringed at how his throat hurt.

But at least he felt better. Emotionally at least. He felt completely fine and calm. Strangely, he didn't even feel drunk anymore.

But that wasn't what he wanted. He was the life of the party so after cleaning his embarrassing face with his disgusting jacket, Alfred stood up to go search for alcohol to wash down his sore throat and get back into his stomach. He was at a party, dammit, he was going to have some fun.

He was full of energy as he strutted back to the house, catching Antonio and Lovino going out and Alfred held the door for them, giving Lovino a thumbs up of support which only earned him a weak glare. Alfred was used to it and shrugged it off as he skipped through the door and back into the hub of activity.

Suddenly he remembered Arthur and Alfred wanted to slap himself for forgetting. Alfred found the basement door was still closed and pushed it open to find Arthur exactly where he was left and still nursing the bottle of wine. Alfred could make out his brother mumbling with mild distress, unsure if he was Catholic or... uh, the other one? At least if he had to be sad drunk it was about that and not... other things. Alfred didn't know what to do about it, sad drunk Arthur usually refused help so Alfred figured he could send someone else down there to sort it out. But first, he needed something to drink. He had priorities and his throat was sore and he wasn't drunk, which had to be fixed.

So he went into the kitchen, devoid of people and half of the supplies that were present at the start of the night. Alfred went to the mixes and poured a cup of plain orange juice for his throat, downing that before finding something alcoholic. 

Since his stomach was now empty and he was drinking, everything from there on out only came back as snippets of memories.

He did know he sent someone to keep Arthur company, but Alfred really couldn't remember who. Maybe Antonio? Or maybe Gilbert? One of the grandfathers? But he did remember that he gave that person some crackers to give Arthur because Alfred really didn't want his brother to throw up and feel like shit. Not everyone can bounce back like Alfred and Arthur was old, the sucker.

He knew at some point he opened a random drink just to pour it out on the curb, a tradition he completed every time he got drunk to honour who wasn't with him anymore. Only he watched the liquid pour without any emotions he thought he should been feeling - like the feelings from before. Maybe it was because he wasn't really feeling anything that everything was fuzzy, but someone led him inside after that because they were gonna play games.

He knew he connected his phone to a speaker... somewhere... and enthusiastically danced to the music. He remembered trying to pull everyone in but only succeeded in a few. He was certain that Gilbert and Francis had to have been there... well Francis definitely was because Alfred was sure at some point he put some suggestive songs on to romantically dance to in an uncaring cringeworthy way. The beauty of lowered standards thanks to liquor.

He didn't remember when or how, but at some point, he was too sloshed to stand without feeling like he was on a swing so he crashed on the sofa. He was at the point where even just talking wasn't coming to him like it used to and with one eye winced shut as the room played tricks on him, the other focused on his phone held with one hand. The other hand was hanging off the couch where a much less incapacitated Feliciano was using Sharpies to colour in Alfred's tattoo. It was a regular thing for his artistic friend and Alfred was more than happy to indulge, knowing that not many people would just let Feliciano draw whatever he liked on their skin. But Alfred didn't mind. Plus Alfred was drunk so 'no' wasn't in his vocabulary. If he wasn't drunk and heard someone say that, maybe he'd stop and pause and go 'hmmm' at such a weird statement, but he was drunk so yeah, that didn't happen.

Besides, it made sense. Parties were all about 'yes', right?

Maybe, not coming to him thoughts now. Alfie eepy.

Anyway, Alfred found the 'temporary tattoos' Feliciano designed cool. Only this time it would be more of a surprise for the morning because Alfred had already forgotten the design Feliciano had excitedly babbled when he began. Alfred forgot the start of this sentence-

But he couldn't even feel his arm so he pretty much forgot Feliciano was there and his focus was on his phone.

How and why, once again are not important but he decided what's the harm in getting to know his new client better? So with fat clumsy fingers, he typed out a message to lonelymapleleaf. He must've been inspired to talk to them because they sent him back an email from the one he had forgotten he had sent before the party. He figured he could read it in the morning because there was no way he was reading allathat, especially when he took one look and the words just became blah. He could properly reply tomorrow, but right now he had questions!

Like telling lonelymapleleaf just how cool that drone footage was! The POV shots made him feel like he could fly and also like he'd throw up again. It was like a car crash he couldn't look away from, no matter how queasy his stomach became he had to keep his eyes stuck on the screen.

Wait, that wasn't really a question. That was just a compliment. But Alfred didn't see the problem, he'd just text everything and anything. Like, he needed to know why lonelymapleleaf wanted to work with him so he went ahead and asked that.

He couldn't exactly see what he was texting but he had faith in autocorrect. Rereading was not an option when no matter how he squinted the words didn't become any clearer and only threatened to make him lose his balance and roll off the sofa. That would suck for Feliciano, who was hanging around him for some reason...

Oh yeah, the tattoo. Alfred forgot he got that done. Maybe he should get another... note to self, look at super cool tattoos... 

Then Antonio came around and Alfred was staring at the backside of a phone camera and Antonio's words caught up to him as Alfred grabbed the offered glass.

"It's water amigo. Anyway, what's your name and how many drinks have you had tonight?"

"I'm lost count and I've Alfred," Alfred lifted the glass to the camera and tried to drink it. Only it didn't really work when he was lying down and the water went everywhere. It made Feliciano laugh which made Alfred laugh. He tried to copy the thumbs up Antonio gave him but since Feliciano was holding his hand, Alfred used his other hand. The one that was holding his phone. His phone hit him in the face...

Apparently, the sofa folded out into a bed and Alfred wasn't even ashamed to admit he was no help in setting that up. The last thing he remembered was finishing that glass of water before turning on his side and falling asleep.

Chapter Text

The morning was a recovery and a half, to say the least. Alfred had to respect that Antonio, the perfect host that he was, was more than prepared to deal with all the hungover guests. When Alfred awoke the first thing he did was fall off the sofa and hit his head. Obviously, it was all unintentional and he'd be super embarrassed if he was in the right state of mind but fortunately, he wasn't and hours later he wondered if it even happened at all or if he dreamt it. Antonio, the angel he was, gave Alfred some pills and a bottle of water before helping him back onto the sofa bed. Without that help, Alfred was sure he would've just straight up died on the floor, which would've been humiliating.

It seemed the only reason Antonio wasn't incapacitated was because he didn't overdo it with alcohol the night before, a temptation Alfred wasn't sure he could resist if he were hosting.

Unfortunately for Alfred, he couldn't fall back asleep and escape from the consequences of his actions. So, figuring he was already awake he might as well do something. But that 'do something' was very limited when any big movements threatened to make him throw up and despite being completely rigidly still, it felt like he was rocking back and forth as violently as a little origami boat in a storm.

Antonio came back with a bucket. What a King. Alfred tried telling him that but it turned out he really needed that bucket.

After a couple of hours of laying in a shivering, half-delirious state where his only focus was breathing and not falling off the sofa again, Alfred finally 'came good', or good enough that he was ready to participate in the day. Or maybe he just had major FOMO (fear of missing out because who knew what was happening while he just lay there) and wanted to see where everyone else was. Just lying around by himself was boring. If he was going to be lying around then he wanted Francis but he didn't know where his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 was so he needed to go find out.

Starting with small steps, Alfred sat up and willed himself to adjust. It was terrible and he felt like reality was a seesaw, but he managed.

There weren't many people in the living room. He could see Feliciano asleep on the sofa nearby and on the opposite side of the room, Arthur looked to be in a coma. At least he was unconscious and not in the basement. There was a bucket and bottle of water within his reach so Alfred figured Arthur would be fine.

But there was something else Alfred noticed once he remembered he had a body - his arm. Alfred cracked a smile at the colours and shapes he couldn't yet make out, feeling a swell of adoration for the temporary tattoo that Feliciano had left behind. Before his eyes could adjust, Alfred felt for his phone in his pocket and took a photo with the quick camera option. He took a couple of photos just in case and then strained his eyes to check his phone.

It was blurry, but it looked like he had a lot of notifications. Nothing unusual because he had a lot of friends and if most of them were drunk last night Alfred was potentially holding a treasure trove and he didn't even know it! The insta stories were going to be golden. As much as he wanted to see everything now, he figured it would still be there later once looking at a screen didn't make his eyes feel like they'd fall out of his skull. After he put his phone away with a sigh, Alfred squinted and brought his colourful arm close to his face to try and make out the details.

He could tell what Feliciano had drawn because he knew his friend's artistic nature well. But there were also things that Feliciano had not drawn.

Like the dick with a stupid smiley face on it. Alfred didn't have to ponder who it was, because even without Gilbert's helpfully tagged name proudly pointing to his 'art', Alfred would've just known it was him. That's called the power of friendship. Alfred had to admit, it was funny and he could definitely imagine Gilbert giggling as he drew it just thinking of when it would be discovered.

Gilbert wasn't the only one who had left something on his arm. Apparently, nearly everyone either drew something or simply just left their name, leaving a wonderful souvenir collage from his beloved friends.

Alfred had to assume that Feliciano encouraged it, or it was also possible that once Alfred had passed out people were still passing by and when they saw what Feliciano was doing just had to join in. But Alfred didn't really care for how it happened, he was too busy trying to pick out all the details of his super cool collaborative tattoo to worry.

Antonio had drawn some tomatoes, which looked like tomatoes. Arthur drew... a dragon? Alfred was reluctant to assume it was a dragon because it just looked like a fat blob which was still pretty funny. 

There was a curious line that stuck out that read 'Thanks - L'. Alfred blinked at for a while before he figured that one out. He had to go through all his friends whose names started with L and confused himself when he tried to think about what Ludwig would be thanking him for. But when Alfred remembered talking with Lovino, a soft smile graced his face and he felt a little bit lighter because he had helped.

Then his smile widened when he saw Francis' contribution. There was no shortage of fancy hearts scribbled onto skin along with a few lines of something in French, he'd have to Google translate that later.

It seemed that most of the partygoers had left him a souvenir as he spotted more and more things left behind and Alfred decided he wouldn't be washing that arm for a while. 

When Alfred stood from the sofa, he realised there something lumpy on the ground. When he looked down he spotted the Sharpies from the night before. A wicked grin came to his face as he carefully bent to pick them up and he shoved them into his pocket while thinking of the Mickey Mouse meme 'It's a surprise tool that'll help us later'.

He couldn't help it, he had a devious mind. And 'later' could be now because Arthur was still on the other side of the room... and Alfred couldn't help but give into his deeply ingrained brotherly urges...

He crept over to Arthur and with baited breath he carefully grabbed Arthur's arm, only for his brother's eyes to crack open and a pained expression cross his face as he weakly pulled his arm back.

"...what do you want?" Arthur's gravelly voice cracked as he groaned. "Leave me be..."

Oh, Arthur was just lying there pretending to be asleep. How miserable.  Alfred didn't doubt that Arthur wished he were asleep instead of horribly hungover.

"I'm just checking on you," Alfred quietly capped the lip back on the sharpie behind his back.

Arthur just groaned something like 'sod off' and Alfred chuckled as he backed away on stiff legs.

He wandered through the house and was surprised to see that a lot of last night's guests were not here now. Well, maybe it wasn't that surprising. Alfred had no idea how many slept over (read: crashed) and how many preferred the comfort of their own beds. Plus it was now the afternoon so he had no idea who had left since waking up completely disoriented. Or if everyone who wasn't here had just been responsible with their intake and therefore let off easy.

But Alfred did find some others... asleep... and he immediately realised the opportunity laying out right in front of him, a metaphorical present topped with a lovely red ribbon. 

In Antonio's room, crashed on his bed were Gilbert and Francis, both completely dead to the word and to Alfred's growing grin as he uncapped some Sharpies. He stumbled over to the bed and reached for Gilbert's vulnerable arm.... it was payback time. Let it be known that Alfred did not do things in halves - or however the saying went. He couldn't think, he had only one thought and it was to draw dicks on his friend's arm. A lot of them. In every size and colour, until no pale sun-deprived canvas remained. Go big or go home.

When he was done, Alfred couldn't keep the smile plastered on his face hidden as he snapped a photo. That was so going on his story later. His story was going to be so good and Alfred couldn't wait to revisit whatever he already posted and had forgotten.

But Alfred wasn't done, he still had one victim- erm ... 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 to decorate. Alfred might have struggled with the coordination to get around to the other side of the bed but his determination pulled through and he grabbed Francis' arm.

Because Francis didn't draw anything sus on his arm, Alfred maturely and lovingly returned the favour. If only partly because he knew it would make Gilbert react and claim 'unfair favouritism', which would be funny because Gilbert reaped what he sewed. Francis didn't draw a dick on him, that's why so suck it Gilbert.

For them to be so thoroughly conked out Alfred just had to assume they were either in an alcohol-induced coma or that they had pulled an all-nighter. Both were plausible and when Alfred gave it some thought, it was likely both at the same time. Not surprising Alfred in the slightest. If only he pulled an all-nighter with them.

But if he had, he wouldn't be able to violate them now. The FOMO was trumped by his mischievous actions in the now.

He capped the sharpie as he stepped back to admire his work. After a photo of the art and kiss on Sleeping Beauty's lips later, Alfred was sneaking from the room like a burglar in the original sims, exaggerated sneaky movements and all.

Then he found himself in the kitchen. It was like his stomach had some kind of superior instincts because that's where he found a quietly singing Antonio, who was cooking scrambled eggs tortillas omelettes or something. Alfred didn't really know what it was nor did he care, not when he just wanted to eat it. Or just some of it because he was a little afraid for his stomach right now but his taste buds weren't as sensitive towards his hungover needs.

Lovino was also there, slouched over the kitchen table with bags darker than the usual look in his eyes. Alfred decided to spare him any of the usual teasing as he sat, giving him a smile as a greeting after he went to say 'good morning' but quickly aborted when he realised he had no fucking clue what the time was but certainly knew it wasn't morning. Lovino's mouth twitched upwards in turn, lacking his usual bite or just choosing to withhold it.

"Alfred, good morning! Are you feeling alright?" Antonio said, his voice was chirpy but Alfred could tell from his face that Antonio was tired, if only physically. While Antonio looked mentally bright, there was a hesitance in the way he moved that suggested he could use a nap.

"I'm alive," Alfred shrugged. "Did you even sleep?"

Seriously, last Alfred checked, Antonio loved naps! Alfred considered telling Antonio to go curl up with Feliciano like a cat. 

"Nope! But I feel wide awake." Antonio grinned as he shook the frypan. "I can catch up tonight. I'm still young so it's still fun and games-"

"Why say that?" Alfred groaned at the reminder that they've aged. "Ugh..."

"Well..." Antonio shrugged as he sipped on a mug of something. That caught Alfred's attention.

"Is that coffee? I want some, fuck gimme some!"

"Sure." Antonio, the real one he was, just simply handed Alfred his still-warm and half-full mug.

"Thanks, dude, you're the absolute best. But didn't you want- well, need this?"

"I'll just make myself another once Lovi's is ready. Did you want some of this too?" Antonio gestured to the food he was cooking.

"Yes. Always yes."

"Alright," Antonio had a knowing look. "It's no wonder you love Francis."

Alfred chuckled into the coffee, trying to sound guilty for the laughs.

"I suppose he loves you because you have the palate range of..." Antonio cocked his head as he tried to come up with a metaphor, but in his struggle, he just shrugged and went back to serving the food.

Lovino muttered thanks as Antonio handed him his food before going back to cooking and Alfred sipped at the coffee as he observed the brothers. He hoped Antonio knew how lucky he was to have both of his brothers and Alfred was glad that he was able to help his friend but he knew that he shouldn't write it off as over yet. Alfred would have to keep an eye on Lovino and make sure he's really okay.

Alfred realised he had zoned out when Lovino shifted in his seat, clearly uncomfortable but choosing to uncharacteristically shy away instead of snap like he usually did.

Now Alfred felt really bad because clearly Lovino was going through it.

"Sorry, I'm tired," Alfred said, changing his focus to the coffee.

"If you want to know just fucking ask," Lovino mumbled.

"Uh-" what about? Oh yeah, never mind. Alfred wanted to know but- he gulped down some coffee. "Do you *want to tell me? Cus it's your thing so you don't have to tell me if you don't want to?"

"I said just fucking ask- ugh, fine. I should've just fucking told you because I knew you wanted to know- It's fine. Okay? Are you blind? I wrote you something-" Lovino gestured to Alfred's arm as his own eyes darted away "-so I don't know why you couldn't have figured it out from that, idiot."

Despite Lovino's anger, Alfred knew now it was just defensiveness. Yeah, he knows a thing or two about mental health. How could he not?

"Okay~" Alfred hid his smile by downing the rest of the coffee. "I'm just happy things worked out. Just know you can talk to me about whatever, alright? Or tell me if you need something? Cus that's what friends are for, you know?"

Lovino didn't respond, but he wasn't deaf so Alfred knew it was heard, even if he wanted to repeat it again to get some answer. Since Lovino didn't show any confirmation at all, Alfred worried that Lovino didn't really think he meant it or was too scared to act on it. Alfred would just have to convince him that he meant it and try to be supportive.

When Lovino finished eating he silently stood and left his plate by the sink without meeting anyone's eye.

"I'm going to shower," Lovino said as an explanation before leaving.

"Okay Lovi~ Have fun~" Antonio hummed as he put a plate in front of Alfred. With Lovino gone, Antonio's sunny and exaggerated smile mellowed out with a sigh.

"Thanks, Toni," Alfred said as he took a bite.

"No, thank you," Antonio said as he pulled Alfred into a hug.

"Uh? What's- oh, right," Alfred quickly swallowed his mouthful and put down his fork to hug back. "It's all good dude."

"I hope so. I really hope this doesn't spiral," Antonio chuckled but it was a tad forced. Antonio didn't need to say more. Alfred knew what he was afraid of.

Like Matthew...

Everyone had been affected, each in their own way. It wasn't something they could forget.

Antonio patted Alfred's back as he stepped back. "I'm going to check on everyone amigo, just yell out if you need me."

Alfred hummed and continued to pick at the delicious grub as he slowly let his stomach adjust to solids. Now that he was alone in the surprisingly clean kitchen -just last night there was no surface in sight and now there were no evdence- and the paranoia of potentially doing irreversible damage -well, further irreversible damage- to his eyes had passed, Alfred pulled his phone from his pocket.

He had about five seconds of peace as his eyes raked over all his notifications and then he saw one that hit him with the thought of 'oh shit' as memories flooded back.

lonelymapleleaf had replied to his message, a message that Alfred had completely forgotten about and felt his eyes bug out as he rediscovered it and attempted to read it. Because Alfred had messaged instead of emailed and spilled word vomit in the form of extreme typos that made up an entire wall of text twice the size of his screen.

Fuck.

At best, embarrassing and... at worst completely unprofessional.

Alfred could feel himself getting sweaty and sinking further into his chair. He wanted to slap himself because oh shit, that was so not professional.

It took him a while to decode his own message but essentially, it was the cringest shit he'd ever laid eyes on.

Naturally, being drunken ramblings, it wasn't put elegantly at all and there were some parts that Alfred still couldn't make out, much to his shame. Ramblings was putting it lightly. His jaw was aching from how hard he was clenching his teeth together as he cringed and his back hurt from slumping as if he was considering slipping under the table.

Alfred really wanted to just pretend that someone had stolen his phone or something to prank him but he knew he couldn't do that. Only because there was no point in even trying since it was obvious he typed it. With great reluctance and fear, Alfred scrolled to see lonelymapleleaf's reply...

Damn, the things he heard about Canadians must be true because lonelymapleleaf was very chill and seemed to be more amused than anything.

That was really relieving that lonelymapleleaf didn't seem to have a problem with Alfred's very unprofessional slip-up and took it in stride, while still being professional.

But that wasn't the only notification from lonelymapleleaf. There was a reply to Alfred's confirmation email from yesterday. Underwhelmingly it was just confirmation at his confirmation that he'd work with lonelymapleleaf... and since it came after Alfred's fuckup, he could breathe easy knowing the photographer wouldn't have immediately regretted it... if anything, it was an educated decision knowing they'd have to work with an idiot like Alfred.

The last notification was that the photographer had followed him back. On both Alfred's personal and professional accounts. If he had any dignity he'd worry about what could be seen on his private account, especially after last night, but he figured that since his personal one wasn't exactly set to private to begin with it didn't really matter. Alfred just breathed out a sigh at not causing a preventable catastrophe.

He texted back lonelymapleleaf. Considering there was no saving his dignity, he didn't worry about keeping his tone too professional. Sure, he didn't phrase it like he was texting a friend, but he didn't channel his inner Arthur to type it.

Also, he was never going to tell Arthur about this, ever.

lonelymapleleaf hadn't replied to even half of his last text so he wondered if he was pushing it by pressing with more questions with another. But Alfred just figured as long as he wasn't pushy pushy, it would just come off as curiosity and he'd figure it out from any reply he got.

Alfred was abruptly distracted from his phone when Gilbert notified the whole neighbourhood that he had woken up and Alfred stumbled to stand because he just *had to see this.

⊱֍⊰

Arthur wanted to say he wished he was dead, but if these past few years had taught him anything, it was that he had to be careful and considerate with mental health. Something Alfred had lectured him about on occasion and while that had annoyed him in the moment, Arthur couldn't help the sense of pride that came after.

So he won't say it. He'd think it. He thought that death would be so much more peaceful than the suffering he had brought with his own hand. He had overdone it and now this hangover was going to do him in.

But Arthur could never die, not before he got to speak to Matthew again. Arthur would cling to this life and find closure even if he was frail and withering in a wheelchair.

God forbid.

He didn't want to think about that right now. It was easy to distract himself from what ate away at him when he was in such a horrible state. Feeling sorry for himself was very distracting.

But even when he made peace with the situation he found himself in, the universe wouldn't have that. Arthur could hear someone walk back into the room, the sound of footsteps competing with the pounding of his head and he found he couldn't tune it out when he heard whispering. Arthur closed his eyes and focused on keeping his teetering sickness under control.

"Lovi...?" Feliciano mumbled.

"I'm just checking on you," Lovino's voice was clear and awake. Arthur just hoped that the Italian was going to be mindful otherwise Arthur feared any noise the other made that would make him sick.

"Are you okay?" Feliciano croaked, in a strange subversion of their roles. Considering he was the one who had been passed out on a couch, Arthur figured Lovino should be asking.

"Yes..." Lovino's voice was strangely soft. "Now go back to sleep."

"But the room is spinning!" Feliciano whined.

"I'll get Toni to get you something-"

Arthur heard more footsteps as someone else came in.

"Oh, Feli!" Antonio whispered cheerfully. "How are you feeling?"

"Like I just got off a roller coaster," Feliciano said, his voice a little too cheerful considering his words. Arthur felt like he was a casualty of a roller coaster and just imagining the fast-paced ride made him concerned for his fragile innards.

"Good thing Lud made me drink lots of water last night!" Feliciano added. "I miss him already..."

Oh, so that's where Arthur went wrong. He knew he had forgotten something. He could not recall drinking anything that didn't burn... or recall much at all. Considering his age he should know better. Arthur vowed that the next time he drank, he would make sure to have a glass of water between drinks. Now he was just angry at himself and unable to do anything besides wallow in his regrets.

Lovino huffed at the mention of Feliciano's boyfriend.

"Now I'm really going to shower," he muttered and left.

"So, are you feeling okay now Feli?" Antonio repeated. "Did the pills help?"

"Is Lovi really okay?" Feliciano asked instead, his voice smaller than before. "I can't really tell and he could be lying... do you think he's lying?"

Arthur strained to figure out from the limited context just what they were talking about. But there was nothing there he could pick up on so much to his frustration he realized that something must've happened last night... and he forgot whatever that was. 

Darn it.

But Arthur figured he could find out what that was later. There was a small nagging feeling inside him that it was something, so he'd just keep an eye on the situation... once he could open his eyes without crying.

"I'm sure he is," Antonio said encouragingly. "Don't you worry, I'll keep an eye on him."

"Okay, but I'll help after I've had another siesta," Feliciano hummed lethargically, making Antonio chuckle. "I want Lovi to be okay."

"He will be, we'll make sure of it."

Arthur heard footsteps approach him. He groaned to catch Antonio's attention in what he would deny was a call for help. When a hand came to his forehead his eyes snapped open in surprise and Antonio chuckled sympathetically.

"Wow, you must be miserable amigo."

Arthur could only grunt. If he didn't get something now to alleviate his pain then he was going to die.

"I'll get you something-"

Antonio was interrupted when it became very apparent that someone else had woken up.

"ALFRED!" Gilbert's rough voice rang out through the house. Despite his volume, his tone wasn't upset. Unlike Arthur, who felt the pang of the loudmouth albino bouncing around in his mind. 

The immediate stomping of someone running through the house made him curl up tighter and wince. Then when Alfred exploded with brash laughter Arthur groaned and shoved his face further into the couch.

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!" Alfred yelled back, even though Arthur was sure they were in the same room by now.

"Make them shut up," he pleaded to Antonio who still had a hand resting on him. 

"You're asking the impossible," Antonio chuckled apologetically and rubbed Arthur's back. "But I'll try-"

"THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM- HEY!" Alfred seemed to be completely oblivious to his volume and Arthur wanted to throttle him.

"Try guilting them with my pitiful state," Arthur groaned.

Then Alfred shrieked and started yelling again.

"NO! GIVE IT BACK! WAIT NO! OTHER ARM! OTHER ARM! DO IT ON MY CLEAN ARM!"

Arthur wanted to throttle Gilbert too because his evil cackling didn't need to be that loud.

"I'll get you some water and painkillers," Antonio promised, his tone a little amused given the situation. "Then I'll go tell them off for you."

"Call them sodding twats for me." Arthur didn't have the faintest idea how Feliciano was able to fall asleep so quickly, let alone stay asleep. But what Arthur did know was that he was immensely jealous.

Chapter Text

At first, Alfred expected his impromptu drunken texting conversation would be the last and then contact with his client would go back to strictly professional... but somehow he ended up in a back and forth with this photographer and somehow it felt like they were developing a casual friendship.

Alfred wasn't against it at all, he just didn't expect it. A bit stupid when he always built onto every text, which in turn would bring another reply, and another and another...

But having an online friend was cool so he didn't have any reservations encouraging it. While lonelymapleleaf kept a professional air, the photographer didn't exactly discourage or even shy away from discourse outside of necessary communication. So Alfred figured that his client was fine with it and would've stopped it if it was unwelcome and they hadn't so far!

Through (appropriate) poking and prodding, Alfred slowly got to know this online enigma, if only a little bit.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred didn't start digging until a week after his initial text after there had been a few texts per day since. Nothing more than casual but the fact that it was ongoing helped Alfred become bolder. He figured there'd be no harm in trying and sue him, he was curious. He had never worked with a complete stranger before so he was just a little intimidated by that and considering it was an easy fix he had no reason not to try.

lonelymapleleaf
Today Can you tell me anything about you? as in YOU?
Cus I don't know anything but you like taking pictures and stuff
It might help with me helping you?
And I'm curious but you can say no yk I don't wanna be pushy ahaha

It had been a long time since Alfred had sent a text while overthinking it. He never used to be like this and it was always a strange feeling when hesitancy had him second-guessing himself. But he figured that after the alcohol induced stunt, go big or go home, right?

Alfred had everything about himself on the internet. Well, everything was just an exaggeration because he knew a thing or two about internet safety. But the point was his name, face, age, etcetera was attached to his job and lonelymapleleaf could see that but Alfred didn't know anything about this photographer. It seemed a little unfair. At least Alfred had something on the internet instead of literally nothing.

lonelymapleleaf
Today I don't want to get too personal, I like the anonymity that comes with a screen and being famous as a person was never what I really wanted and not the point of what I do. But since you want to know, I can tell you I'm a guy, I'm 25 and I've never left Canada. Obviously, I like travelling and taking photos and experiencing things that make me feel alive and I think are beautiful.
Okay! That's good plus you're about my age so I don't have to picture some old geezer or something ahaha

im not ageist I promise
Is being famous a hassle like it is in the movies?
when you say being famous as a person do you mean you just want your work to get famous but still have your secret civilian identity?

That must've been enough texting for his Canadian friend for the day because Alfred didn't get a response until the day after. He had to remind himself that not everyone was chronically connected to his phone like him. That was how their conversations had been spaced out for a week so far, so this not being the first incident sure helped Alfred not get extremely discouraged by it.

But he still found it bizzare, considering everyone had their phones on them 24/7... He could already hear Arthur's chiding.

He just went off and distracted himself by getting back to work, losing the rest of the day to Francis' monthly finances...

⊱֍⊰

Alfred got a reply the next day and he answered over breakfast, which was cereal because he was lazy and his office was the kitchen for the day.

Wow, Alfred thought that was deep. And not 'I am 14 and this is deep'. He suggested instead that be put in lonelymapleleaf's bio to try and inspire others. The photographer seemed to like the idea.

⊱֍⊰

Of course between the messages, Alfred was still doing his job.

lonelymapleleaf wanted to licence his photos and organising that wasn't too hard. Even making it so it was 'on his own terms' wasn't that hard when apparently that just meant lonelymapleleaf didn't want some big corporation to have a stake in the rights or swindle him and Alfred had to wonder if that's why the photographer chose to work with some self-employed random? Fair enough, support little businesses and all that. 

But still, why an American one?

But then he realized that if lonelymapleleaf was only just now licencing his photos, then what did it mean for the postcards?

lonelymapleleaf
Today Dude, I don't know how to tell you this but someone's ripping your photos off
Cus I've got some postcards with your photos on it so does that mean you have to sue someone
I can help you find a lawyer if youd like?
I'm aware of them, but thank you. I have a few select photos on postcards because those photos won awards and the postcards were for a charity hosting those awards so it's okay
Okat thats good then
Like really good thats kinda impressive even
But I thought you hadn't done charity stuff before?
It was a country wide thing so it wasn't really an official collaboration, more like a competition

Somehow that conversation lasted a few hours and Alfred wouldn't admit that he didn't get much work done that day. Good thing he worked for himself and didn't have a boss to report to.

⊱֍⊰

⊱֍⊰

There were also discussions about licencing lonelymapleleaf's art but there were a few bumps in the road. Well, Alfred said bumps only because it didn't turn out to be as straightforward as he expected.

lonelymapleleaf was fine with showing all the art that had been included in the 'art' story on insta, but seemed hesitant about showing anything else. Alfred knew it was 'wrong' to push, but how else could he show encouragement? Apparently lonelymapleleaf had lots of art he wasn't ready to share it with the world. At least it seemed like it wasn't nerves or self doubt and more he just wasn't ready. All Alfred could do was show support by telling the photographer to do what he felt was right for himself.... because Alfred knew too well that art could be a little too personal sometimes.

So the plan for the art was to license those select few from the story, but once lonelymapleleaf had reprised them digitally. Alfred had enough to work with as it is so he didn't mind waiting. If only because he wanted to put it off, just a little...

He found himself staring and he didn't realize that he had zoned out at all. But his screen was dark from inaction and his fingers were lingering as if he had been snatched mid-task and mid-thought. He shook it off.

The conversation ended with maybe lonelymapleleaf would make a portfolio of other art and it could lead to another discussion about if that was a 'down the track' kind of goal. Then there were some apologies from the photographer and Alfred managed to slip in some jokes about Canadians apologising.

Then that kickstarted a long conversation about nationalities and stereotypes that kept Alfred occupied while working. He did wonder why and how lonelymapleleaf had so much time to keep a conversation going all day and figured, why not just ask? Underwhelmingly, the answer was lonelymapleleaf was either travelling or between photo editing.

This led to another long conversation about how the photos are edited, which mostly just involved touching up the lighting and saturation to make photos pop. Alfred couldn't believe it when he was sent a before and after picture. All he had to say was that photographers made reality look just like the movies. That was a compliment of course, because movies were far nicer than anything reality had to offer. 
Something that Alfred learnt from experience...

⊱֍⊰

lonelymapleleaf
Today You don't have to answer this because it's just my curiosity, but why did you get into the work you do now?
I dunno.
Ig I thought it was cool at first and that it would make me rich and respectable.
And that got you through college? How did you know what you wanted to do?
Actually, the only thing that got me through college was spite lol
I actually had a phase of wanting to drop out
I haven't told many ppl that before
But I just lost motivation because something personal happened and I got in a slump
I'm okay now and I'm grateful that I stayed. I definitely want to do what I do now
So it wasn't really knowing?
But if I quit my brother wouldn't have been happy ahaha so spite
pressure actually
Plus I knew it would be a good job cus good market and open doors and all that
I suppose the motive doesn't matter, as long as you get through, eh? Would your brother really have been that upset?
Yes and no
He was upset too so he'd get it but he'd take it out on me
Not that he's a bully just a regular brother bully
Do you have siblings?
No
Well your both luckily unlucky

Alfred's fingers cramped up the moment he hit send because suddenly he didn't know what else to type. He wiped his phone on his shirt because the sudden sweat from his hands was now all over his phone screen.

He needed a break and went to raid the fridge... thank fuck that Francis had left some tasty treats in there.

Maybe he'd go find Francis and give him a big hug... for no particular reason...

⊱֍⊰

Sorting out what charities lonelymapleleaf wanted to partner with was easy too when the photographer already had a list of issues he was passionate about trying to help with. All Alfred had to do was suggest that lonelymapleleaf did some networking and reach out to whomever he wanted to support and start with putting links in his bio and personal website. Reaching out was a start and if selling prints took off (which really looked like it would) lonelymapleleaf could donate a percentage of profits or something. Alfred also suggested that lonelymapleleaf could even donate time or camera skills because if these charities had formal events they'd need a photographer, right? Alfred really didn't know how to help in this case so he was just suggesting anything that popped into his mind and hoped that it would help somehow.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred also worked with his other clients because he didn't show favouritism. New just equalled interesting so until he fell into a comfortable rhythm with his new client, he was just a little intrigued. It didn't help that his client was so distant and secretive, like an enigma that left more questions than answers. (Questions like why work with Alfred?? Alfred wasn't famous! Since when did famous people reach out to work with him??) 

Anyway, by 'work' he meant making stupid videos with Gilbert and Antonio. When the time came around for another promo to be made about the restaurant, Alfred was surprised (but really wasn't) when Gilbert announced that when he, Francis and Antonio pulled an all-nighter at the last party they had come up with a script. An 'awesome' script.

The video idea was just as stupid as Alfred expected. Stupidly silly. Of course Alfred was all in. They had a blast filming it but don't ask how such a short video took hours to film.

The video started with Gilbert and Antonio walking into the restaurant and approaching Francis, behind the perfectly polished counter in the ambiently lit dining room.

"I can I ask about the menu please?" Antonio asked.

"The men I please, you say~?" Francis said in the most sluttiest voice ever produced by a man. "Well, of course I'll show you."

And then in a subversion of expectations set by Francis' tone, the next scene was still PG as the camera cut to Alfred sitting in a booth and eating while on a lovely date with his 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭.

"Can confirm, I am very pleased," Alfred said with a thumbs up and red face while Francis smirked into the camera as he poured a glass of wine from the selection sitting on the table.

They had to do so many takes because every time someone would start laughing they'd have to start over. Alfred was basically guaranteed to laugh whenever Francis put on that voice so eventually, instead of sending him out of the room Gilbert somehow acquired earmuffs for him so he could stay in the room as they filmed. That only made Francis laugh and they got the final shot thanks to a miracle. It was a fun day. Sometimes, Alfred really loved his loosely defined job. Marketing went hard sometimes.

⊱֍⊰

His work wasn't the only thing that occupied his time. Alfred still had plenty of time for friends and family. Plus his 25th was only getting closer and so he made sure the last-minute details were smoothed out. Not that there was a lot to smoothe, he hadn't been one for planning elaborate parties since he was a teenager... He was convinced that this upcoming party was not elaborate simply by the fact that the mass text said 'BYO drinks/food/whatever just make it fit the theme' so by turning it into a big collaboration effort it wasn't exactly all him planning it. So it was basically a surprise party!

It made him feel better about it. Mental loophole go brrr.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred also got to see more of what lonelymapleleaf wanted, even if just in general or 'down the track' or just as an ambition but not immediately now... but he still hadn't found out why Alfred.

lonelymapleleaf
Today Where else do you see your career going? Or want it to go? Come on I need a challenge
I also would like to become a well known photographer in America. I'm pretty well known in Canadian circles but not many American photographers realise who I am I guess.
Oh that's easy!
Just come shoot photos in America/of American things
Patriotism goes hard here
I'm currently wearing flag boxers
tmi
I don't want to leave the country. I have no intentions of leaving Canada

Alfred sympathised with that and thought of alternatives... or will, because he had no ideas now.

Maybe he could ask his online influencer friends (yay networking!) to keep an eye on trending hashtags but since they're in a different circle to photography, Alfred didn't know if that would be much help. But that was an idea - he could keep an eye on photography trends and see if he could propel lonelymapleleaf to stardom in the great US of A.

lonelymapleleaf
Today That's okay
That's fine we can figure something out
Can I ask why tho?
Why not wanting to go to America? is it cus you don'r want to leave Canada?
It's personal, don't worry about it but know that I just can't

Alfred couldn't really fault him for that, especially when Alfred had his own personal shit that lingered behind him like a phantom. If it wasn't for the things that happened... Alfred didn't know if he'd ever have understood what it was like to have personal baggage without it.
Having personal shit was hard to explain and when he realised he had personal shit, well it felt more like 'admitted', it took him a long time to not feel obliged to share and try to brush it off with his lackluster explanation. It also meant he understood how it was hard for other people because he knew how it was hard for himself.

He couldn't explain it to someone new, ever. And even if he could he really couldn't. The idea was far bigger than the words he could use.

He really had changed a lot, huh? Alfred remembered dismissing people in high school for not talking about things because they were 'personal'. He would push and prod as if the situation was simply just the other person pretending to be shy and withhold information. It made Alfred cringe now. Because at the time he just didn't understand. Now he realised they were just more grown up than he was for being able to draw a line at all and not cross it.

lonelymapleleaf
Today That's okay
I understand
I've got personal things too so I get it

He hesitated before sending the last part

lonelymapleleaf
Today Ik we're not really friends friends but I'll be supportive if you ever wanna/need to talk about it
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.

⊱֍⊰

No matter how full Alfred's life became, he always had time to write a letter to add to the letter journal. The chronicles were almost complete and he didn't know how he felt about getting a new book to start in. On one hand, it was exciting. He'd pick out a new journal with a cool design and when he stacked it next to his first one it would make his desk look more full and interesting, like some kind of RPG game where you got to click around a character's room and find out cool lore.

But on the other hand... he really liked the old book and finishing it left him imagining that he'd feel really bittersweet. It left him questioning if he was ready to leave it behind and move on.

Either way, there was still room for a few more pages of letters so Alfred resolved not to think about it until he ran out of room after a few more weeks.

⊱֍⊰

They had just been texting about if lonelymapleleaf had collaborated with many charities before when Alfred brought up that he had. Apparently, lonelymapleleaf didn't know that and somehow it gave Alfred the impression that the Canadian thought it was a pretty big deal. Maybe it was because Canadians thought that all Americans were just individualistic and selfish. Alfred didn't know, but when he suggested that idea, lonelymapleleaf was adamant that wasn't it.

lonelymapleleaf
Today No, I just think it's admirable. Especially when you're doing it 'pro bono' like you said. You keep telling me I should be oversharing in my bio but you don't even have that in yours. What kind of work did you do and when was that?
idk if it's that admirable
plus I'd just feel like an asshole if I charged yk?
Basically I just offered to help with finances and stuff and marketing cus it's important that stuff like that gets out
idk I just try to help where I can but it's not like a lot
by stuff like that I mean theres a mental health charity near where I live and a couple of years ago I just approached and offered
A little help goes a long way. Even if you don't think it's admirable you're still taking stress off of someone's shoulders and helping ease a load of what's probably already a stressful job
Can I ask why mental health though? There's a lot of causes to choose from so why that one in particular? Did something happen?

Alfred could feel his fingers twitching as a conflict built up inside him, swinging like a pendulum as he couldn't decide how or if to respond. 

He began typing. Deleting. Typing again

lonelymapleleaf
Today Something happened a while ago and it was a really dark time for a lot of people in my life so I know how important it is to have support when you're going through something even ages after because it just changes you
I just wanted to do some good for the world after seeing the bad
idk
Plus they're local so that helped ahaha probably the only one I help out in person I do some others online

It kind of felt like an admission of guilt. Sure, it was obvious to everyone in his life why he went with mental health and wanted that to succeed... but he never had to actually say it out loud.

He felt weird now. 

⊱֍⊰

lonelymapleleaf
Today You never actually told me why you want to work with me
Obviously you don't HAVE to but you haven't told me that you don't like me asking so if you don't like me asking you can just say so
I was watching you for a while and I just thought that you're right. There's no particular reason so don't overthink it or search for one because you won't find it.
But I'm in a whole nother country so it's just strange
Since this is all online, borders are irrelevant. I'm not a people person so managing things through a screen is preferred for me
Borders are relevant tho
I've never been to Canada??
It doesn't matter that you've never been to Canada. it's not necessary that you've been or that you go to work with me, it'll be 100% remote because that's what I'd prefer. You'll never meet me, I'll never meet you

Jeez, lonelymapleleaf really wasn't a people person at all but Alfred supposed it was literal. If lonelymapleleaf wouldn't leave Canada and Alfred wouldn't travel outside of his city, then it was literally true they'd never meet. But they could still know each other because of the magic of the internet.

Alfred was interrupted from thinking up a reply when Arthur came into his room, face and body clearly communicating he expected Alfred's attention. Alfred put his phone down and raised an eyebrow. Was Arthur about to cancel their weekly dinner? Rude. It was Arthur's turn to pay too!

"So, you'll be a quarter century next week-"

"HEY, don't say it like that!"

"How do you think I feel?" Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Anyway, it's been some time and I promised you we'd go look at rings."

"Yeah, I know," Alfred glanced away. "How about we do it after my birthday-"

"You're not going to keep putting it off, are you?" Arthur pointedly asked.

"No. No I-" Alfred cleared his throat. "Nuh-uh. I'm going to do it. I'm not putting it off... that sounds so bad-"

"Good, don't make my best man duties harder than they need be," Arthur sighed and shook his head. "Would you like to plan a bachelor party?"

"Now?"

"No, twit. Next week."

"Oh, uh, yeah," Alfred could hear his own hesitation and cringed. "No I'd really like to have one so obviously it would need to be planned- wait, isn't that planned once you're engaged-?"

"Yes but talking about it might make you feel excited and eager to chase after what you want. But you're right, we can save that for when you're finally engaged. I suppose I should help you plan the proposal first. Starting with the ring. All we have to do is go looking, you don't have to buy anything yet but as long as you're thinking about it. Because I will be on your arse for this and you will be coming out with me next week to give it some thought, got it?"

"Yeah yeah, okay," Alfred threw his hands in mock surrender as he stood. Then surprised his brother by crushing him in a hug. "Thanks for helping me with all this stuff."

"Of course," Arthur muttered as freed his pinned arms to hug back. "What are brothers for?"

Chapter Text

⊱֍⊰

Even after all these years, Alfred still couldn't celebrate his birthday without feeling guilty. But he did get better at hiding it.

Another thing he noticed as he got older was how routine his birthday became. As much as he didn't want to treat it like it was just another day, it felt like just another day. But he'd never treat it that way, his birthday was the one day a year he was allowed to be obnoxious and no one could say anything. He was opportunistic after all, so naturally, he had to take the opportunity when it came!...

Even if it made him feel disgusting.

Every year on their birthday, Alfred would spend some time in his brother's room. Still unchanged and untouched nearly 7 years on, Alfred sighed as he flopped down on the bed.

At least it wasn't a 'cry about it' day. It was a 'so be it' day, but only just. Alfred felt a little sensitive so that could change later but for now, he was fine.

"Hey Matthew," Alfred had been forgoing the nickname for some time now. It didn't feel right to use it. "Happy birthday." 

The room didn't respond and Alfred ran his hands over the sheets as he sighed.

"Hope you sent another cool postcard or I'll cry."

His ultimatum went nowhere. Alfred rolled to grab the maple leaf jumper, carefully stored in a plastic bag in a vain attempt to preserve the smell. He pulled the bag into a hug but didn't dare open it. He didn't need it now. Both he and Arthur were really worried that one day it would stop smelling so there was an unspoken agreement to only take the jumper out when they were feeling uncontrollably, nearly faint from crying foaming at the mouth horrible.

But Alfred had tried to sniff it a couple of months ago... and he could swear that there was nothing on the fabric anymore... he didn't have the guts to open the bag and double-check in fear that the day had finally come and Matthew's sweet smelling scent was gone...

So Alfred settled for giving it a hug but he really didn't like how the plastic crinkled loudly in the quiet room and put it aside, reaching for Kuma instead. He pulled a face at the bear. The bear remained unphased. Sometimes it upset Alfred that Kuma didn't change one bit.

Well, Kuma got dusty. And he was dusty again. Alfred rolled to hang Kuma over the ledge of the bed and brush the dust off.

"Don'tcha worry, I gotcha," Alfred mumbled to the bear. He couldn't say when he picked that habit up but it wasn't one he cared to drop. "I'll look after you."

"I see you beat me to it..." Arthur came in nursing a mug and sat on the bed beside Alfred.

"Beat me to what?"

"Dusting, I was going to do it before you came in here."

"Oh," Alfred nodded, his shoulders sagged as he glanced back down at Kuma.

They sat in silence with lips pulled thin because neither really knew what to say.

"The post came, so you can check on that whenever you like," Arthur finally said as he sipped at his tea.

"Okay," Alfred breathed out a sigh of relief as he felt something loosen inside him. Every year it was the same fear of 'what if? What if they just never heard from Matthew again?' and every year those fears would momentarily be put to rest.

"So, big twenty-five," Arthur remarked as he dunked his teabag with rigid fingers. "Do you feel any more grown up?"

"Not really..." Alfred continued to fuss over Kuma. "Am I supposed to?"

"Your brain is supposed to be fully developed now," Arthur hummed. "But that still remains to be seen."

"Hey!" 

Arthur just sipped at his tea, but Alfred could tell that his brother wanted to say something. From the way Arthur shifted and his lip kept twitching, it was obvious there was something unsettled in his mind.

And since Alfred didn't know what it was, it made him really nervous.

"What?" He demanded, maybe a little too forcefully. But he wasn't going to admit that when it made Arthur glower.

"Excuse you," Arthur narrowed his eyes and that just annoyed Alfred, because he asked a question!

"What is it? Just tell me cus I can't guess!"

Maybe he was just a little bit tense. Couldn't Arthur let him have alone time in Matthew's room for just five minutes!? Alfred got that Matthew was Arthur's brother too but he could just come in later when Alfred wasn't there! Alfred was Matthew's twin so surely that triumphed!

"Brilliant," Arthur's tone was more or less unaffected as he downed more tea. "Here comes our first scheduled quarrel. Could we at least try not to argue so early in the morning?"

"I'm not arguing!" Alfred argued, feeling his body go tense reminded him he still had Kuma in his arms-

Matthew apologized a lot. Alfred remembered that. Suddenly there was a pang in his chest that ached and all his energy just fell flat.

"Sorry," he exhaled, loosening his grip on poor Kuma. "Sorry, I just- I don't know. Can you say whatever it is that you're not saying now? Please."

"I was just trying to break it sensitively," Arthur muttered softly, placing a hand on Alfred's arm. A nonverbal admission of forgiveness. "It's been something I've been thinking about for a while so, hmmm, it's not that I'm unsure..."

Arthur sighed and rubbed his hand on Alfred's shoulder.

"Well, twenty-five is an old-"

Alfred restrained himself from interrupting and correcting Arthur... verbally. He still pulled a face that had Arthur giving him a no-nonsense look back.

"-and responsible number. That's how old I was when..." Arthur took his hand off Alfred to gesture around. When Matthew left.

"So I suppose you're old enough to see, well, see and have access to everything that Matthew left behind. Should you wish."

"Really?" Alfred sat up straight, his eyes locked onto Arthur's. "His art? You're...? You're okay with that? Really?"

Arthur nodded.

"But you've kept it hidden this whole time! And you told me you'd burn it before ever letting me see it!" Alfred continued to ramble. "And you want to show me now?"

"You're twenty-five," Arthur repeated. "You just heard my explanation. I never intended to burn it... even when we argued about it but I just thought I was protecting something."

"Protecting Matthew?" Alfred asked carefully. "Yeah... that's okay. I get that."

Because it was good, right? Now Alfred felt bad for seeing it because even if Matthew left it behind, it didn't mean that Matthew wanted them to see it or anything.

"It doesn't matter now," Arthur muttered with a drop of his shoulders.

There was that pang again in his chest and Alfred wanted to say something but he didn't want to argue about semantics now. Not with more important things to focus on.

"Is it really okay? I mean... you really didn't want me to see it so I've kinda... well, not gotten over it but... I don't know, made peace with it?" Alfred tried not to cringe at his bad articulation and squeezed Kuma.

Did Matthew have Kuma so often because he needed to comfort? When Alfred closed his eyes and tried to picture Matthew, he always saw his twin holding Kuma. How could he leave Kuma behind?

"If Matthew left them behind after so thoroughly cleaning his room, I just tell myself he was okay with letting us see them," Arthur said softly. "Though it never stopped feeling like I was imposing..."

Alfred didn't respond, instead just staring into Kuma's blank eyes. Why did he leave you behind?

"This is more like an offer I suppose," Arthur continued, his hand finding Alfred's shoulder again. "I won't force you to look at them. It might protect your peace that way."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I suppose I should at least give you a heads-up about their content. That way you can make an educated decision," Arthur added contemplatively. "It's uh, sensitive. It features quite a lot of uncomfortable themes that, I suppose would be the point..."

"Like what?" Alfred kept pressing. He was nervous to know yet nervous not to know. But he had to know. 

He would be seeing that art but until he did he wanted answers from Arthur.

"Well... cannibalism for one," Arthur said and Alfred's eyes went wide because he wasn't expecting that. Arthur noticed. "It's all metaphorical, presumably. There's also martyrism depicted and all sorts of self-destruction and injury. As well as just general violence..."

"Violence?" Alfred repeated distantly as he tried to picture images of what Arthur was talking about but a sudden brain fog made it almost impossible. "Matthew wasn't... violent. He's not violent."

The feeling in his head was so intense that his eyes felt like they were drifting in opposite directions as he lost his ability to focus. He knew he was staring down at Kuma but he just couldn't register Kuma. Or anything, really.

"It's all a metaphor," Arthur comforted. "You don't have to see it now, or at all. The point of this was just to let you know that I wasn't keeping anything from you."

"Yeah..."

"How about I move everything in here and set it up on his desk? At least then all his things would be together..."

"Yeah..."

"Didn't you sleep well?" Arthur gave him a shake.

"Uh no," Alfred rubbed at his eyes to try and pull himself back to his body. It was still early in the morning and he now felt like going to bed and taking a siesta.

Arthur just sighed and pulled a face.

"How about you come with me and we'll get you some breakfast."

Alfred just agreed via nod, making Arthur tut.

"Come on, now's no time to crash," Arthur muttered and pulled Alfred off the bed. "Breakfast should give you some energy to get through the day and lucky you, I suppose you can choose what we're having."

Alfred perked up at that and Arthur could just sense the question he wanted to ask.

"Yes, that includes fast food," he said with an exaggerated sigh. "Lord knows you don't appreciate my cooking anyway."

That brought a smile to Alfred's face as he jumped from the bed.

"And after that, you can check the postcard," Arthur added. He knew Alfred wouldn't forget anyway. But there was one thing he did seem to forget, a certain teddy still in his arms. 

"You can bring him if you'd like," Arthur found himself saying, gazing softly at the white bear. "Just be mindful not to get grease on him."

Maybe Arthur shouldn't have said that, because a look of fear crossed Alfred's face.

"Nah, I think he should stay here," Alfred tried to play it off casually as he put the bear back on the bed. "I wouldn't want to fuck him up too-"

"You wouldn't-" Arthur pushed his frustration down as he tried to be reassuring.

"-No, it's fine." Alfred declared. "He belongs here anyway."

Arthur just nodded and followed Alfred out after one last glance at the room.

He knew that this wasn't going to be the last time they were going to be in here today. Arthur said a silent goodbye but figured he could have some time later to reminisce about his brother alone...

But until then, he should be the bigger person and try to be there for the remaining brother within his reach. The only one he could help now.

Chapter Text

He was going to be sick. Alfred had that taste in his mouth that promised a sore, disgusting throat as his stomach quivered threateningly. Arthur would say that's what he gets for eating fast food but this time, greasy indulgence wasn't the problem.

There was a postcard, just like all the years before. He should be happy, right?

Alfred could hear his heartbeat pounding thick blood in his ears and he had to reassess. It was no longer a 'so be it' day. Not when he realised that today wasn't just a simple filler day. 

He didn't know what to feel, how to feel, why to feel or how to even stand. His knees felt weak as he ran inside to get Arthur because his older brother should know what to do.

Alfred could barely hear the door hit the wall over his own laboured breath.

"No need to scream bloody murder!" Arthur grunted back as he turned on the kettle. "I'll try not to get antsy Alfred, as long as you try to do the same and take a big breath-"

"No! Look!" Alfred waved the postcard in front of Arthur's eyes.

"And here I thought you were throwing a fit because there wasn't a postcard," Arthur wasn't discreet about his relieved sigh. "Bloody hell, and here I thought I ruined your day because I spoke too soon about the postman- yes I can see you have a card, that's hardly a crisis-"

Alfred couldn't stand that he was being dismissed and kept waving the card as he ranted.

"No! Arthur, fucking- Look! It's not the same! Why the fuck-" Alfred whined as his stomach lurched. "What happened? Arthur what does it mean- I mean, read it!"

Arthur shoved the sinking feeling aside as he snatched the card. His brother was all out of sorts now and Arthur needed to get to the bottom of just what was so bad about the one thing Alfred looked forward to more than anything. But when he saw the card he realised.

There was a message. One that was different from all the other typical 'happy birthdays'... and it was signed.

<3 Matthew

Arthur's breath hitched and everything else was tuned out.

It wasn't enough. Arthur needed to know more and his eyes kept combing through the paragraph cramped on the small card as he searched for more.

Every word was written with rigid neatness as if a lot of time and thought had gone into the message. That wasn't spontaneous, though Arthur didn't know if that applied to actually posting it... 

"So what does it mean?" Alfred was chewing on his fingers because Arthur was taking forever! 

"Give me a second to work it out!" Arthur snapped. He didn't mean to and he immediately felt guilty for it, but it didn't help the mounting pressure starting to suffocate him. His eyes kept raking over the words, over and over because while he wasn't illiterate, his increased heart rate was louder than his thoughts and preventing him from coming to a conclusion.

The front door shut quietly and the brothers vaguely registered that someone had let themselves in but didn't give it any attention until the intruder spoke.

"What have I missed?" Francis asked as he gingerly put down a bouquet of flowers, instantly picking up on the atmosphere.

"I don't know. Something big but I don't know what," Alfred shrugged exaggeratedly with shaky movements and didn't even feel it when he whacked his arm into the wall. It didn't even hurt. "We're trying to figure it out so if you have any ideas then let us know!"

Why did things have to change? Alfred was glad that it wasn't just a simple 'happy birthday <3', in fact, he always dreamed that one day there'd be more and more but now that today was that day! He didn't expect it to hurt and leave him physically aching! He didn't expect to want to hide under a bed and curl up in a ball and never come out.

To be honest he didn't even remember the message because once he read it the shaking came in and he couldn't remember anything. Alfred snatched it to read it again.

"Oi, learn some bloody manners you twat!" Arthur cussed but Alfred ignored him as he reread.

"I don't- ugh," Alfred shoved the postcard towards Francis, who then realized exactly what it was.

Matthew's yearly card. Only it's never caused a reaction like this. It even made him a little nervous and Francis didn't even know what to expect yet. He could only assume the worst... that something really bad had happened.

"Are you sure?" Francis grabbed it hesitantly and kept the message facing away. "It seems to be quite personal..."

"That it is!" Arthur snapped as he took it back and Francis held his hands in mock surrender.

"How about I put the kettle on?" Francis suggested, not even as a joke. Having just walked into this scenario without much context left him with the impossible task of trying to de-escalate and calm the brothers down.

"Can I have that back now?" Alfred's outstretched hand was the only part of his body that was steady. He shifted on the spot and kept flexing his other hand anxiously. It kinda ached from being whacked into the wall.

Arthur sighed deeply as he handed it over and stepped away.

"Okay, we all need to just take a breath and calm down," Arthur said, trying to bite back his annoyance once he could see what was happening. "It'll do us no good if we keep letting ourselves get riled up by our emotions."

"Alfred~" Francis sang in his over-the-top flirty voice. "If you'd prefer I'll take your breath for you~"

He went on to make loud kissing noises so nothing would be left to the imagination by just what he meant, making Arthur sneer as his frustration came crashing back in one big wave of annoyance.

But much to Francis' dismay, Alfred didn't even react at all. Francis pursed his lips but didn't let his face fall. No one said it wasn't a tough job trying to keep a certain birthday boy from thinking about his birthday and the grief that came with it, but it was certainly one Francis was willing to try and take on.

But first, he had to get his boyfriend's focus off that card. As glad as he was that there was another card this year...

Francis glanced at Arthur, who was pulling a frustrated face as he watched Alfred obsess over the postcard. Both hands held it and his fingers rimmed the edge while his eyes darted side to side, over and over and he read each line almost like he was determined to have it memorised.

"Stop that," Arthur spat as he tugged on his brother's arm. "Just stop for one moment! It'll still be there once you calm down."

"No you calm down!" Alfred said very mindfully. (Not.)

"Oh look," Francis strode over and pulled on Arthur's shoulder. "The kettle's boiled and there's a mug right there with your name on it."

Arthur glanced behind him to see a mug with a teabag hanging from it before glancing back at Alfred. He didn't want to leave his brother, but...

"I'll leave you to it," Arthur said quietly as he stepped back, running his shaking hands over his own arms. It took everything inside him to step aside... but...

Arthur knew Francis shared a common goal and was in a better state of mind to achieve it.

Francis didn't waste any time in wrapping Alfred in a hug. Slightly challenging when his boyfriend's limbs were swinging around as he had a silent argument in his mind that no one else was in on, but Francis managed. After a moment, Alfred's arms stilled before returning the hug and clutching at Francis, twisting his fingers into his boyfriend's shirt.

"It's not fair," Alfred whined. "Man, you really came at a bad time..."

"Non, you mean the best time," Francis reassured as he dug his fingers into Alfred's hair. "Now I can be your knight in shining armour. Or shall I say, shining amour?"

"I like your funny words magic man," Alfred chuckled breathily, trying his best to hide his sniffles as his annoyance crashed and the shame set in.

No matter how many times Francis reassured him, Alfred was always paranoid that he was being a burden whenever he got upset. Well, really upset. It made his blood run cold just thinking about how Francis could just be only saying that because he had to when he really secretly hated it. And if he hated it enough... 

he'd leave. 

Alfred knew he was being ridiculous. He knew that Matthew leaving fucked him up big time. But some days, it was really really fucking hard to just assume it was all in his head and the way people said they were was actually the way that they were. Sometimes he just couldn't take people's words at face value without an overwhelming sense of doubt.

Arthur donged his spoon on the inside of his mug loudly to interrupt.

"There's nothing shiny about you," Arthur said pointedly, as he sipped on his tea.

"Arthur's lying," Alfred tried to whisper to save how fucked up his voice sounded, but his words broke anyway. "He loves you because you made him a cup of tea."

His whispering definitely didn't work, but at least no one commented on his rough voice. Well, besides Francis squeezing him tighter.

"Don't mistake my acceptance for approval..." Arthur warned, before cocking his head contemplatively. "...Or perhaps my approval for acceptance..."

"Do you guys have to do this every time?" Alfred mumbled into Francis' shoulder. Usually, he found the banter between them really fun... but today had gone downhill (scratch that, fell down a fucking cliff) and it just felt mentally draining to know that the two of them were just going to rag on each other all day, today...

"Oui, I'll stop for you," Francis muttered back as his fingers ran through Alfred's hair.

"I suppose I can go without his charming harassment for one day," Arthur said, mock cheerful.

"It's your loss," Francis retorted smoothly. Arthur went to say something back, but his eyes darted towards Alfred and he silently sighed. Francis followed his gaze and realised they were just repeating the pattern again. 

"Sorry, amour," Francis chuckled. "Habit."

"Yeah, I know," Alfred mumbled again. Maybe it was an unreasonable ask... was he asking too much?

Arthur cleared his throat and tapped his fingers on his mug.

"So, aren't you supposed to be distracting him? Go take him out already!"

"Of course, how could I forget?" Francis didn't want to break up the hug, so he just awkwardly shuffled Alfred in the direction of the door. Suddenly Arthur was putting the mug down in a haste to intervene.

"Alfred! Why don't you leave the postcard here?"

"No," Alfred said quickly, his hand tightening on it. "It's my postcard, I'm gonna hang onto it."

"I'm not trying to take it!" Arthur sighed in exasperation. "I just want you to take your mind off it for a while."

"Leave it here so you can take it and hide it? Fuck off." Alfred growled in frustration and glanced down. He immediately regretted saying that but his ears burned at the thought of apologising.

Arthur clicked his tongue, trying his best to be patient and not snap as he turned to Francis.

"Just go distract him. I doubt he'll want to be a raging arsewipe for the party."

"I don't mean it," Alfred said grumpily before sighing deeply. "And...it's not going to be a party party, right? So I'll be fine then. I'm not gonna be an asshole to my friends."

Just when he was fine with actually celebrating his own birthday, a wrench was thrown in the cogs. Alfred didn't think he could go through with the party tonight at all! But being the day of the party he couldn't actually say that so instead he shoved it down along with all the guilt and shame and other horrible ugly feelings that had been brought back up by that stupid postcard.

Fuck you, Matthew.

Alfred didn't want to be acting like an asshole to the people he loved, but when Matthew things came up... he just felt so tightly coiled that all he could do was try not to lash out in any way that would leave a mark.

Or sometimes he's completely fine and can talk about it. It was weird.

Also, he mentally took that 'fuck you' back, because he knew it wasn't Matthew's fault. At all. But Alfred just felt so pent up inside that he wanted to punch a wall... or maybe a mirror.

"No. It's going to be a get-together. Definitely not a celebration of any kind," Arthur said.

"Yeah... okay. Good," Alfred nodded, slowly loosening his grip on Francis as he tried to pull himself together.

"Are you ready for me to distract you?" Francis asked softly.

"Yeah, I'll just cry about it later or whatever..."

Francis pulled a face that Alfred couldn't really decipher but his boyfriend still reached for his hand but Alfred quickly pulled back.

"Uh, just wait," Alfred chuckled apologetically before turning to Arthur and pulling him in a surprise hug. Arthur jolted because Alfred moved quick, but he had to half expect it because he didn't spill any of his tea. Alfred let the hug do the talking for him, wrapping his arms around and squeezing when Arthur wrapped one back. Arthur his tea out to the side, likely worried about spilling it, which would make Alfred laugh if he was in a better mood.

After so many years of the same song and dance, there were no words that needed to be said.

When Alfred broke the hug, he ducked outside with his head down and dragged Francis out by the hand. It really was shitty timing on Francis' part, but he knew what he was getting into when he came over to their house today. Still, Alfred was pretty sorry that once again Francis had to manage both him and Arthur like this.

Chapter Text

Francis kept one hand on the steering wheel as he reached out a hand to sit on Alfred's thigh, giving a light squeeze. But Alfred didn't react. He was too busy staring out the window as his shaking hands ran over the edges of the postcard, his eyes avoiding it at all costs.

"Are you up for a romantic date right now?" Francis massaged his thigh reassuringly.

"I don't know, I don't really care," Alfred mumbled, eyes tracing the buildings passing outside. "I'll do whatever you wanna do."

Francis kept driving, stealing worried glances.

"I don't like the idea that you're just waiting for the right moment to be upset, my love... how about we go to my place and you can cry it out to your heart's content?"

"I don't even feel like crying now," Alfred admitted flatly.

"What do you feel like?" Francis probed, hand still rubbing comfortingly.

Alfred shrugged.

"I'm sure I can help you cry, if that's what you need," Francis said.

Alfred just thought he needed a bullet... but that was kinda morbid and unhelpful, holy shit. Intrusive thoughts begone. 

What he needed was a time machine.

"I don't see how you're gonna help me cry. The fuck are you gonna do? Cut onions?"

"Would that help?" Francis asked playfully.

"No? I don't know? Isn't there a difference between all the types of tears anyway so my body would know it's not grief?"

"I suppose that's true. You're as smart as you are handsome," Francis smirked as he gave Alfred a wink.

"Simp," Alfred said bluntly, though there was a smile on his face now. But as fast as his lips twitched up, they fell down again.

"So I am, without shame," Francis sang, adding some random French words at the end to decorate his sentence. Something he did that Alfred found really pretty, even if he had no clue what was being said...

Still, the vibes were enough to make his heart flutter.

A few moments of silence passed.

"Look... I guess I'm not opposed to a date. You can distract me if you want I guess. I'll cry when I end up crying... so..."

Francis nodded, moving his hand up to caress Alfred's arm.

"Well, a date means food," Francis declared. "Where shall we go?"

"I already had food... fast food," Alfred winced, knowing how Francis felt about that type of 'food'. "Don't judge me."

"I suppose I can give you a pass for one day," Francis laughed. "But that's okay, you're a simple man who knows what he wants. Which happens to be fast food occasionally... and me, frequently."

"Yeah," Alfred huffed, amused. "But sorry, I know this is out of character for me but I'm not really hungry... we could still get something to eat if you want?"

"I want what you want and are you sure you cannot eat? Think of your second stomach..."

"Dessert?" Alfred heard his tone perk up and he couldn't help but be slightly amused at his eagerness... but who'd say no to dessert?

They ended up in an ice cream parlour and Francis insisted Alfred sit in the booth and entertain himself while Francis lined up. Alfred wanted to resist but gave in in the end. It was the least he could do to make Francis feel better and like he was helping.

Which, maybe he was because he had managed to convince Alfred to put the card in his pocket and stop playing with it... But even now Alfred's thoughts weren't exactly on the surprise dessert Francis was ordering.

Though if he had to make a guess, it was probably gonna be ice cream... Alfred rolled his eyes at his own thoughts because no duh.

But even with the card in his pocket, he could still see it. He could still see the words... now shifting and less clear than when he first read them. Now he questioned if he read them right at all. If they said what he thought at all... if they said anything at all...

He really wanted, needed to check...

He knew he should've left the postcard in the car. That's what Francis had originally suggested but Alfred had shot that down quick. He didn't even mean to be difficult but like a fucking toddler with a comfort toy, Alfred didn't want to be separated from it.

He forced himself to be in the present when Francis came back, sitting opposite Alfred and sliding a singular, big-ass sundae between them before handing over one of two spoons.

Alfred had to admit, that caught his attention.

"Holy shit, just how many different flavours did you get?!" Alfred's eyes roamed over the assortment of colours and additions of all sorts of sprinkles... 

He took a picture of it because that would give Arthur a heart attack and get him a lecture about how his teeth would rot in his mouth. So naturally he was going to post it for Arthur to see...

"That's a surprise," Francis said teasingly as he brushed up against Alfred's leg under the table. "You'll have to try and guess~"

"Okay, you're on!" Alfred responded by trapping Francis' leg with his. His boyfriend didn't even try to fight back, making Alfred laugh in triumph. If this was Francis' idea of distracting him then Alfred had to admit, his boyfriend was doing a pretty good job.

So he tried each of the flavours and because of his expansive sweet palate, he was able to guess immediately. Francis reacted like that was impressive but Alfred thought he was exaggerating, yet laughed at his boyfriend's enthusiasm anyway. 

With all the flavour guessing out the way Alfred enjoyed the sundae and tried to forget about the postcard in his pocket. A difficult task when shifting in his seat made him remember it was there. Once he worried about it getting crinkled, all his thoughts threatened to consume him as a pang caused his chest to tighten.

He took it from his pocket and held it carefully as he rested his hand on the table. All he could do was wish that every little thing was different and why wasn't there an undo button in real life?

His fingers ached to spam crtl + z.

Francis stretched and took Alfred's hand, wrapping around his trembling fingers with a sigh.

"Why don't you tell me what you're thinking?"

Alfred pressed his lips together and glanced away. He could feel his ears burning and his teeth straining as he held his jaw in place. There was just so much going on upstairs, it felt like trying to untangle Christmas lights to put in a small box. Impossible.

He just shrugged dismissively.

"Well, why don't we finish this sundae before it melts so you have some time to think about it?" Francis suggested instead.

Alfred made a noise of reluctant agreement as he used the spoon in his free hand to dig at the ice cream. A silence passed between them, but Francis didn't stop rubbing his thumb over Alfred's hand. Eventually, the words just burst out, his thoughts having filled to capacity and now spilling from his mouth.

"I just think it would've been better not to get a postcard at all! Okay?! Not that I don't want it but now I'm gonna be fucked up again and I wanna say fuck him but I know it's not his fault and I mean, just look what he's written! It's fucked! Like, I had finally given up hope that one day things would be okay with him and just move on but now I can't move on cus there's that tiny bit of hope, y'know that he actually cares cus sometimes I get really fucked up thinking 'oh I bet he feels fucking nothing' but now he's saying he cares and if he cares why doesn't he just fucking actually try cus I wanna try so bad I just wanna beg on my fucking knees because I'm just that fucking desperate and he literally said he wishes things were different so why don't we just make them different! I just need him back so bad!"

He couldn't even remember the exact words of the card yet he was too scared to actually go over it again. With Francis' hand over his, Alfred couldn't turn the card around anyway so all he could do was stare at the lovely picture on one side hiding the heart-wrenching monster behind it.

"I just need him back so bad... but if I fucking saw him again I wouldn't even know him and that's my fault! If I saw him again things would be awkward and they'll never be like how they used to be and I won't even know him! We're never gonna have what Lovi and Feli have and it's all my fucking fault-!"

At face value, he liked the picture printed on the postcard. It was one of lonelymapleleaf's newest ones and now Alfred just knew he wasn't going to be able to text his Canadian friend now for at least a week without feeling like dogshit and being brought back to the moment that he realised there was a wall of text on the back of the card instead of the short and sweet status quo-

"-I just want him back-"

"Just breathe, Alfred," Francis said, his hand moving along Alfred's arm as he said some random French words. "Everything will turn out okay because you're capable and strong-"

"But it just feels like nothing will ever be okay again and there's nothing I can do! Like, no matter how capable I am or whatever I'll never get what I want!"

"I know... but you know this moment will pass. You'll be okay again."

"It's not fair," Alfred whined, his hand going to his chest and pulling at the shirt. "It actually fucking hurts."

"I know," Francis said soothingly.

"No, like physically. It actually fucking hurts," Alfred winced as a sharp pang in his chest left him gutted. 

Francis halted his hand-rubbing motions, fingers tightening as he registered the words before jumping up and moving to slide in beside Alfred in the booth, quickly wrapping his arms around him in a tight side hug.

"Come here, my love, I'll hold you, just try to breathe-"

"It's not fair," Alfred repeated, voice hitching. "I can't fix fucking anything. I don't like this reality why does this how- ugh why do things- why are things this way! Fucking hell I can't even speak..."

"I know you don't like it," Francis said, "And you won't like what you need to do, but you need to distract yourself..."

"I can't!" Alfred whined. "I just need to think about it!"

"Not if it hurts you. Think about it when you're feeling stronger if you must-"

"But I'm not strong! I'm fucking pathetic!"

Francis tutted in disagreement, but knowing that his boyfriend was in a pretty desperate state, arguing wouldn't go anywhere. Not when all Alfred wanted was just some solution to a problem entirely out of his control. Francis knew there was no telling Alfred to only focus on what he could control and other healthy sentiments of proactive healing right now.

All he could do was carefully indulge and hope to lighten the load of desperation.

Francis ran his hand along Alfred's arm, rubbing over the hand holding onto the card as he moved to take it. Slow and careful movements that spoke intention.

"Would you like me to read it?"

"Dude, yes," Alfred let it go, leaning into the side hug as he tried to muffle his sniffling. Francis used his free hand to brush Alfred's hair as he turned the card around, but he couldn't bring himself to start reading it now. Not when Alfred was still rambling.

"He cares, doesn't he? Isn't that good? Cus if he just thought of me and felt fucking nothing- I guess that's better than him hating me-" Alfred cut off to heave for air, choking on his words. "For fucks sake, I'm not even fucking crying! My eyes are fucking dryer than... I don't know, fucking Texas?!"

"Just try to fight it, my love," Francis could feel himself grow warm as concern made his hands shake. "Focus on breathing normally, copy me if you can and don't think about anything else but me holding you. Everything's going to be okay because you're in my loving arms~"

Alfred laughed a little at the romantic sentiment at the end and nodded into Francis' chest. It didn't help that the booth felt so much smaller than it was and he was sitting in a cramped and uncomfortable position as he leaned into his boyfriend, but regardless he closed his eyes and listened to Francis' beating heart and felt the subtle expansion of his chest, rhythmically in, steadily out...

The thoughts wouldn't stop but neither would Alfred. He could overthink once he was breathing normally and not sniffling and breathing weirdly without actually crying.

Francis laid the postcard on the table, freeing both hands to hold Alfred in place. He kept whispering encouragement, all in French because he knew Alfred enjoyed it, and hoped he was doing enough. This wasn't exactly what Francis had planned for the day, but as Alfred always said, life was about living in the moment. Good and bad, it seemed.

"I just wish things weren't like this," Alfred said, breathing much more stable as he held onto Francis. "I just wish I wasn't like this. I just want these feelings to go away. I could deal with reality being like this as long as I didn't care, y'know?"

"I know, and you won't be like this forever," Francis reassured. "Once you let this run its course, you'll be back to normal and this pain will just be a memory. You'll go back to how you survived before."

"But how long will that take?" Alfred whined.

"Maybe a week?" Francis tried to think of what he'd observed before whenever Alfred got uncontrollably upset. "I know you'll feel better soon and until then, you'll still be okay because you have me."

"I just want it to stop... why can't these feelings just stop?!" Alfred could feel the pain in his chest and it made him grab onto Francis tighter. "Have you read the stupid thing yet?"

"Not yet... you know I can't help but be captivated by you," Francis said flirtatiously and smiled when it earned an amused huff. "And you know it's not stupid... you don't have to pretend it is. You can say it's important to you and being upset about it isn't stupid."

"You're really wise, have I told you that?" 

"You don't need to, I know it," Francis said confidentally, hands still threading Alfred's hair reassuringly. It reassured him that Alfred seemed to have physically calmed and Francis could only hope he was starting to distance himself and detach from his thoughts. He knew his boyfriend couldn't help but get lost in conversation with him and Francis wouldn't have it any other way.

"No, you've got a big brain, it's very appealing. Not in a zombie way I promise," Alfred snickered.

"You've got a big brain too," Francis chuckled. "And a big heart, which is also appealing... not in a cannibalistic way."

Alfred snorted.

"Wait, since you're a chef, could you actually cook someone?"

⊱֍⊰

One conversation about cannibalism later, the pair had finally finished the sundae before it completely melted. Francis felt successful in distracting Alfred, but couldn't point out that success without reminding Alfred of what he was being distracted from.

"Man, after this we should go to the park and lay on the grass or something," Alfred glanced out the window beside them, watching the sun-soaked trees slightly sway in a light breeze. "It looks like a good day outside and I'm so fucking tired."

"Why not go now?"

"Yeah! Let's go now!"

It was only when they got up to leave that Alfred saw the postcard on the table and remembered it. Francis could see his face visibly fall.

"How about I hold onto it," Francis said, taking the liberty of picking up the card and holding it securely, indicating it wasn't exactly a suggestion.

Alfred's mouth twisted but he nodded reluctantly.

"I feel kinda gross just looking at it... I never understood how someone could say something random was too intense to deal with until... Matthew."

"I know, it isn't fair," Francis agreed, pulling Alfred outside by the hand and linking his arm to press up against him as much as possible.

"Like, when people break up and can't look at uhh," Alfred thought of an example. "Chocolate ice cream! I get it now. Like the meme 'I get it now.'"

"At least you know you'll never have to deal with the pain of a breakup," Francis lifted Alfred's hand to his lips.

"Yeah I know," Alfred's lips twitched. "I'm not being annoying or anything am I?"

"No." Francis pulled Alfred into a tight hug in the middle of the street. "You can tell me anything, that's the point of romantic companionship, is it not?"

"Yeah I guess," Alfred hugged back. "Does that make me a better person now? Now that I get shit?"

"When you say that, it implies you'd be a worse person for not going through heartbreak," Francis disagreed, lingering a hand on Alfred's jaw. "Perhaps you're just experiencing the full range of human emotions that being alive has to offer."

"Well I don't wanna be human," Alfred whined and Francis withheld a sigh. He needed a different approach.

"Let's just go to the park, it is a nice day today after all." He ignored what Alfred said, instead dragging him by the hand into the park and onto a patch of grass.

Then, before Alfred could speak again, Francis let a smirk show on his face.

"What?" Alfred was apprehensive.

"Catch," was the only warning Francis gave before jumping into Alfred's arms. Alfred squawked in surprise but caught him, and before he could ask any questions Francis looped his arms around his boyfriend's shoulders and kissed him.

Alfred was a little torn. On one hand, he still had things to say as turmoil churned inside him... but on the other hand... how could he not kiss back?

So he held Francis against him with his hands and kissed back. It barely took a moment into the make-out session before all reluctance was gone.

⊱֍⊰

But that wasn't to say his thoughts were gone, or the feeling inside him. Monologue ran on autopilot in the background with the same persistence as a flickering light.

But right now he had other things to do. Right now, they were lying on the grass just as Alfred had suggested and holding hands as they stared into each other's eyes. Once upon a time, Alfred would've found it super cringe, but to be cringe is to be free.

And it wasn't cringe, it was deeply beautiful. Lying beside someone you loved, staring into their pretty eyes as you talked about everything and nothing...

"If you could go anywhere in the world- assuming I'm coming along with you," Francis quickly added with a reassuring chuckle, "Where would you go?"

Alfred had to stop himself from instinctively shrugging. Leaving anywhere wasn't something he thought about for years... but he still made himself entertain the question because it was hypothetical and it wasn't like he would actually have to leave. So with that thought... hypothetically-

"I actually think Canada looks pretty good. Probably solely cus of mapleleaf but hey- hey..." Alfred furrowed his eyebrows as he had an idea. Francis made a questioning noise. 

"It's just that I think I've found the angle to help him make it in America," Alfred explained. "Cus y'know how people are too lazy or broke to travel... maybe the angle is mapleleaf shows Americans the appeal of Canada without them actually having to go there?"

Francis nodded, cementing that it was a good idea. Alfred mentally filed that away for later...

"I guess you actually did do a pretty good distracting me," Alfred admitted. "I feel nothing now."

"Nothing?" Francis' eyebrows furrowed.

"Well, not nothing but uh, I don't know, I just feel fine, I guess..."

"Good, because you are fine."

"No you," Alfred cracked a smile. "But anyways, thank you for babysitting me."

"It's a pleasure, don't worry," Francis winked, tracing a finger across Alfred's chest. "I'll sit on you anytime, baby~"

"Dude, thank fuck Arthur's not here," Alfred snickered. "But good, cus I don't wanna make you feel like you have to act to do things you don't wanna do cus obligation... y'know what I mean? You can tell me if I'm being too much or if you're getting sick of things or-"

Francis sighed, bringing a hand to Alfred's face and cupping it, putting a finger over his lips to gently silence him.

"Alfred, non. You know I won't leave you." Francis stared intently, trying to get the message across. "You can't push me away. I cannot live without you. You are the air that I breathe and I'll suffocate without you."

Alfred felt his eyes water and never mind what he said about being fine.

"Fuck- yeah, you too. Damn, that's actually so- no wonder Arthur calls us codependent."

"He just doesn't understand all-consuming love." Francis stroked his thumb over Alfred's face. "His loss."

"Right yeah I know you love me but I guess I just get paranoid. I'll just fight the paranoia but I don't know, I guess I just think that if you get upset then you'll leave and I just feel the really strong need to apologise to you..."

"Alfred, let me fight those battles for you. I'll be happy to ward off your paranoia," Francis leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Alfred's. "I'll tell you if you upset me, I promise. You know I know how to nurture a relationship so a temporary emotion like annoyance would be snuffed out immediately."

"But you've never actually told me if you've been upset before so how will I know if you actually will in the future?" All Alfred could picture was Francis hiding it because he knew he couldn't show it or Alfred would get paranoid but then he'd be left guessing when or if Francis was annoyed and Alfred wouldn't know-

"Have you considered I've never once been upset with you?" Francis said softly. "How could I tell you if I was if you've never bothered me and never will."

Alfred's mouth went dry as he pressed his lips together.

"You'll just have to trust me when I say it, but you're perfect for me," Francis whispered, his lips brushing over his boyfriends. "I'll say it as many times as you need to hear it... but I suppose I could also show you it's true."

Francis moved his hand cupping Alfred's face, entwining it in his hair as he closed the distance to kiss. Alfred kissed back desperately, wordlessly convincing Francis he believed what he said.

Francis sighed contently as he broke the kiss and pulled away, propping himself up on his elbow.

"Now that I've convinced you you cannot get rid of me, why don't you fight your negative thoughts in the name of love? Challenge them on my behalf?" Francis said, pressing a hand over Alfred's heart. "Just remind yourself, what wouldn't you do for me? Because I know the answer is nothing and so you should know the same goes for you. I would do anything for you."

"Would you eat a mouldy baguette?" Alfred said without thinking, because while he had gotten good at 𝓻𝓸𝓶𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮... he still had to work on keeping some silly thoughts to himself when the moment wasn't right. Oops.

Francis pulled a face, one of both disgust and resignation.

"I did say anything and I cannot take that back... I would do it for you," Francis sighed, fisting Alfred's shirt over his heart. Then his tone became serious again, with an underlying tone of wistfulness. "Alfred... let's talk about the future."

"Okay... what about it? What part?" Alfred shifted to lean on his elbows too, just waiting for Francis to bring up proposing again... at least Alfred could say he was actually thinking about it and planning to get a ring. Fuck, that made his stomach uneasy when his chest was already being strangled today.

"Everything and anything, how can I not dream about our life together?"

"Well, we're together now," Alfred chuckled, just a little forcefully because how could he think about the future right now? It was a little intimidating and he still felt... off... "So aren't you living the dream now?"

"Oh absolutely, every day is a dream and I never want to wake up."

Alfred knew he walked into that one. Curse his boyfriend's charm.

"Come on, just think about it," Francis sighed wistfully, "It will take some time for it to happen, but just think about it and enjoy the thought. Everything will happen in time and nothing will surprise us, so there's no need to be worried."

Alfred nodded, ignoring how his stomach lurched. It was hard to think about having a good- great future when the past was so... unresolved.

But it wasn't unresolved yesterday... yesterday he was content. He'll be content again.

"Right, yeah, I know. Get married and stuff. Have our own nicely decorated house." 

Alfred's heart fluttered and squeezed as he pictured Francis holding a child in his arms, smiling down with that soft smile of his. It was a nice picture and it almost made him tear up again.

"Hopefully one day there'll be kids, I want David for a boy and you want Jeanne for a girl-"

He once thought that the easy solution for having a kid of each gender was just to find a pair of twins.

But no.  Definitely not today.

"And Arthur would just forever stay the spinster uncle," Alfred pushed through to focus his train of thought and not give into misery. "Fuck! We could call him 'spuncle!'"

Francis choked on laughter.

"Yeah, I'm definitely gonna tell him that when I see him after," Alfred smirked, then pounced on a smooth opportunity. "Are you okay babe? You don't need me to perform CPR now do you?"

Francis threw an arm over his forehead and put on a voice.

"Definitely, for every moment I spend with you, I find myself drowning and you are the only one who can save me as you are the air that I breathe."

"Fuck, how are you so good at this? Have you considered writing poetry dude-? Oh! That reminds me!" Alfred quickly whipped out his phone and brought up the photos of his formerly graffitied arm. He had forgotten about it, but at the mention of 'poetry', he figured now was no better time than to ask: "What does this say?" 

He rolled to move closer to Francis, lying right against him as he placed the phone in front of him.

"I could try to read it for you if you'd like?" Alfred offered mischievously.

"That won't be necessary," Francis mock insisted against Alfred's real threat. Long gone were the days that Alfred tried to mimic the sounds of the language... actually putting in effort. Now to Francis' exasperation, Alfred just read French words as he saw them and laughed at how Francis' face contorted.

"Okay okay, I'll let you pronounce it properly. Sounds prettier that way."

"Everything I say sounds pretty," Francis winked. "I'm sure you know why that is?"

"Because you're pretty," Alfred chuckled, glancing over Francis' face as he looked at the picture on Alfred's phone. 

"It's not all that special, I only took a few lines from a poem called 'Parfum d'oubil', Francis hummed in amusement before reading.

"'Comme la lampe d'Aladin,
Lui n'attend que tes mans,
Ô douce chaleur, viens,
Prends-moi la main'"

"Sounds nice, but what does that mean?" Alfred quickly backtracked. "And don't call me out for not googling it! I just wanted to hear it from you!"

"Alright, the poem is 'perfume of oblivion' from one of the French books I keep at the restaurant for atmosphere," Francis chuckled. 

"'Like Aladdin's lamp,
He is only waiting for your hands,
Oh sweet warmth, come,
Take my hand.'"

"Huh." Alfred didn't have much to say, instead, he thought about the obvious meaning of the words...

Wasn't Francis a sap?

Well, Alfred was a sap too now. So instead of reaching for his phone... he took Francis' hand and pressed a kiss to it. Francis quickly reversed the hold and brought Alfred's knuckles to his lips before holding it close to his chest. Alfred didn't pull it back.

There was still something Francis hadn't read... and Alfred really needed him to. He didn't want to push... but after what Francis reassured him, Alfred knew he could just ask.

"Did you read the postcard?" 

"I... don't want to," Francis sighed. "I want to, I do. But I'm worried that I won't be able to reassure you everything will be okay... But I'll read it if it's my thoughts you want."

"Okay, thanks... I don't need to know that everything's gonna be okay I just need to know the truth. Cus you'll see the truth and you'll be able to tell me, right?"

"All I can give you is my perspective and undying passion."

"Thanks, King," Alfred couldn't help the small fond smile, even as his eyes stared at the back of the postcard.

To distract himself Alfred plucked at grass strands with his free hand while Francis read the card and he waited to hear something. Crushing, hopeful, annoying, something that'll add more fuel to the fire of his mind and give him something new to work his stomach in knots over.

But he knew he was supposed to be distracted. Francis would probably feel like shit if he couldn't keep Alfred distracted so Alfred used all his willpower to try and think of something else... he reached for his phone.

He saw a couple of texts from his friends and when he saw one about Gilbert... Alfred had an impulsive thought. He weighed it up... and made a choice, quickly sending a text. He needed to make a last-minute party change and knew Gilbert would be all for it.

Alfred quickly put his phone down when Francis started speaking.

"Well, it seems he's put a lot of thought into it. I remember Matthew was always careful and it sounds like he had been thinking about it for some time. I think you should just take it as it's written."

"Which is what?" 

"He said he wishes things were different too... Maybe he regrets not dealing with it better, maybe he regrets that it happened at all... But it really does seem like he cares, so I don't think he feels nothing for you... he doesn't even bring up how he's hurt or why he did it so it seems he wrote it only to apologise..." Francis frowned and Alfred waited for him to say more. Because if there's more he needs to know.

Instead, Francis just sighed and rubbed Alfred's back.

"Just know there's nothing you can do now. Nothing you can do for him anyway, but you can still care for yourself. It seems that Matthew would want you to live well... and move on."

Alfred's face just twisted up as he fisted the grass.

"But why's he the one apologizing! I just want to say sorry! It's not fair, why can't things just be okay!"

Francis just leaned over to hug Alfred and let him ride it out. He knew there was nothing he could say that could ward off the waves of emotion dragging his boyfriend under, so instead he let his actions do the talking.

Even if he couldn't distract Alfred today... he could at least keep him company. After all, he would mean it when he finally got to say the words he'd been longing to speak...

to have and to hold from this day forward,
for better or for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish;
till death separates us.

Chapter Text

Things only got progressively worse and Arthur could feel himself unravelling. He tried to prevent the pulling of the threads holding him together, but everything was determined to become tangled.

As soon as the car pulled away Arthur spotted the discarded bouquet, sitting alone on the counter and he just knew that was his burden. It was a lovely arrangement, even if it was excessive and certainly not Arthur's taste, but that alone defined his brother's relationship with that frog. Really, it was a pity Alfred didn't see the bouquet but Arthur figured the twit would see it later. He could already picture his daft brother questioning 'oh, where did these come from?' making Arthur's eyebrow twitch. He went to pick up the bouquet because naturally, it was forming a puddle on the counter.

"Good grief," Arthur muttered as he sucked his stinging finger, cursing the thorns. "Francis you muppet."

He grit his teeth and dropped the flowers to find a vase. He dug through the cupboard unable to find one of the right size that didn't look terrible paired with the bright flowers while grumbling about not knowing where to even put the stupid flowers nor did he have the time to figure that out.

Arthur had finally pulled out a vase, filled it with water and set the flowers in it when the front door opened and he ground his teeth more as a surge of annoyance shot through him. He felt guilty for it but he couldn't help it. Today of all days it was just bothering him that people would just walk in even though they were always welcome.

"You look constipated," Lovino said bluntly as he dumped a box on the counter beside Arthur, who sent him a look. Antonio came in a second later and broke the mounting tension.

"Arthur! Amigo, how's it going? Excited for today?" Antonio slapped Arthur's shoulder, pulling him into a hug and Arthur glared towards the unnecessary contact.

"Great, now that you're here to set up," Arthur thrust the vase into Antonio's hands. "You can start with this."

"Francis was here already?" Feliciano whined. "When will he be back?"

"Hopefully not for a while," Arthur muttered.

"Here you go Feli, find a nice place to put this," Antonio passed the vase. "I trust your artistic intuition. Go put that somewhere nice."

"What about my artistic intuition?" Lovino huffed in annoyance as Feliciano skipped off.

"It'll definitely be put to use, don't worry," Antonio pat Lovino's head and didn't even flinch when his brother threatened to bite.

Arthur stared down into his mug. More than managing the vase, now he had to manage everyone who was coming to set up. Previously Arthur had been fine with this arrangement, but now he felt like they had come too soon. Arthur tried to choke back the pervasive feeling of claustrophobia.

Arthur could've spilt his boiling tea on himself and not even realized. He didn't feel quite right, and the only word that came to mind was disconnected.

Not that he was in a mood at all. He was fine. Always fine and even now, he was fine. Because he wasn't anything. He just was.

He thought of the postcard, again. Arthur thought he would've had it memorised by now... But everything felt so fractured, things kept jumping out and surely he was misremembering and couldn't stop debating and bargaining with himself about the meaning and intent.

What did it say again? That Matthew was fine and sorry but he never wanted to see them again?

But Arthur knew he only inferred that Matthew was fine, since that part hadn't been explicitly written.

Matthew had to be fine because he had sent a postcard. One that was different. That was progress... or a dead end. Arthur obsessively thought about how the two compared.

What if that was the last postcard Matthew ever sent because he had finally said what was on his mind?!

That terrified him, not knowing if that was really it...

He didn't know how he felt about the postcard, but he did know it rubbed at old wounds.

He was fine.

A weight landed on his shoulder and he jumped.

"You alright?" It was Antonio. As soon as Arthur realized that, he also realized there were more voices and additional friends had arrived to set up the party.

But those noises were distant because he realised he was in Matthew's room staring at his brother's bed and the stupid wide-eyed bear that never changed despite everything.

"I'm fine," Arthur felt his stomach squeeze at the sudden change in surroundings, choking back embarrassment because he knew he was slipping.

"Well, I'm only checking," Antonio didn't remove his warm hand, his demeanour ever friendly and supportive. "We can set up without you, but I know how much you like to supervise."

Arthur huffed and wordlessly left the room.

"We don't really need help," Antonio followed. "I was just checking on you, amigo-"

"Well you checked on me, and I'm fine, I was just daydreaming," Arthur grumbled. "I need another mug of tea."

He didn't even remember drinking the last one... 

Antonio held his hands up, mock surrender. Arthur knew he was eating his own words from before; the sentiments of maturity he had said to Alfred... 

before they got the postcard. 

He discreetly took a deep breath. He didn't want to ruin the day any more than it was.

"But thank you for checking in, that's very-" Arthur stepped into the kitchen to see a variety of alcohol sitting on the counter.

He looked at the albino responsible, who didn't even spare Arthur a glance as he casually poured ice into cooler boxes. Arthur's eyebrow twitched.

"I thought we all agreed," Arthur interrupted, voice measured as his lips snarled. "No alcohol."

Gilbert just looked up, his eyebrow raised before his face morphed into an infuriatingly cheeky one.

"Actually, the birthday boy himself requested it." 

"No, he did not-"

Gilbert took out his phone and opened his messages. Arthur could see that only a few hours ago his foolish little brother had changed the plans that they had agreed on.

"See?" Gilbert said, clearly proud at being able to produce evidence that he hoped Arthur would not argue with.

"Bloody hell," Arthur scowled and pushed the phone out of his face. "He never listens! I had got him to agree that it wouldn't be wise to have alcohol considering the last time we drank, let alone the fact that it's not necessary to have at all-! Yet at the last minute he changes the plans!"

Gilbert was biting back his amusement, Arthur just knew it. Instead, he fixed the albino with an unimpressed face and crossed arms.

"Fine. So be it. You're all adults," Arthur huffed, thoroughly wishing he had the authority he once did. Knowing he lacked it only made him more frustrated. "There's not much I can do about it. So I suppose I'll just have to ensure you're all responsible about it."

Gilbert laughed and went to say something, no doubt planning to quickly make Arthur eat his words about 'being responsible with alcohol' by bringing up his history- but Antonio, fortunately, cut him off.

"Don't worry, amigo, I'll help police too," Antonio slung an arm around Arthur. "I know how everyone can get and we don't need a repeat of last time. Someone threw up in Lovi's plants..."

Gilbert snickered while Antonio cringed.

"I'm only laughing because whoever did that had the worst timing," Gilbert said defensively, stifling his amusement with a guilty expression.

Antonio shook his head.

"Besides, it's not like we need alcohol to have fun! As long as we have each other, we'll have the time of our lives."

"I'll drink to that!" Gilbert held up a drink. Arthur ignored him and shrugged Antonio's arm off so he could turn the kettle on again... he doubted it would cool at all today. 

"Thank you. And you're right, alcohol isn't necessary for an enjoyable night so I'll make sure no one becomes too inebriated." He turned to regard the others, because he was a responsible host and he really wanted to be mature. "Would anyone like something to drink?"

"You do you," Gilbert muttered, annoyed at being 'policed'. "I'm going to go check out Matthew's room."

"Thought you moved on," Arthur said, perhaps a little forcefully and hastily due to being dismissed.

"I have!" Gilbert growled. "But come on, he was everyone's friend!"

Antonio had nothing to say, glancing away in shame and Gilbert immediately shut his mouth. He said nothing as he took a bottle for the road and Arthur didn't say anything when that drink was from the cooler box instead of anything Arthur had to offer. 

The Brit went back to staring at the counter with the kettle, eying all the drink options he kept.

"Antonio. Would you like a drink?" Arthur knew his voice was a little sharp but he wanted an answer.

"What if we locked his door for the party?" Antonio said hesitantly and Arthur snarled.

"I don't know, that's not what I asked! I don't want to consider that now when the party isn't even ready!" Arthur grabbed a new mug from the cupboard overhead and it clacked on the counter when he set it down. "Don't you have things to set up? I'd rather you do something useful than tell me what to do when you haven't the foggiest idea what position I'm in." 

He poured the hot water, ignoring how it splashed onto his hand in his haste. An increasing creeping ached inside him, it felt like it was swallowing him and he couldn't help the shiver that ran through him.

"Just set it up quietly, I'll be in my office."

Arthur didn't even look at Antonio as he brushed past and shut himself in his office, slumping in his chair and grinding his teeth as he slammed his mug down. He dug his elbow into the armrest as his hand ran through his hair and formed a fist.

Arthur felt guilty for his actions as he took them, yet did nothing to correct them even in the moment. Arthur knew he was acting like an arse but couldn't stop. He wanted to be the bigger person and knew he needed to be reliable and mature... but after that postcard...

Matthew regretted this outcome. They all regretted it! But due to a lack of a return address... Arthur can't do a single thing to fix it. He was used to being able to fix things.

But he had long since accepted that this couldn't be fixed. What did it matter if Matthew didn't know their regret?

The reality of the situation was that Matthew...

Didn't want to know. At all.

Matthew...

Was definitely a sore spot. Arthur was fine.

The noise in the house served as a constant reminder that he wasn't alone and couldn't let himself feel weak. Not without great amounts of shame holding him together.

Instead, he put his mug down, leaned back in his chair... and stared at it. 

It was going cold, he should probably drink it...

He kept staring, muscles unmoving.

He was fine.

⊱֍⊰

Even though Antonio kept reminding himself to give Arthur a pass, today out of all days, he still felt an ache inside. One of a strained friendship and the pressure of holding everything together...

But he knew his role. He was the cheerful friend, even if 'oblivious' had long lost its ring to it (though he still had his moments, and Lovino could recite them all easily). Maybe that's what it meant to grow up.

Antonio carefully pushed open Matthew's door, stepping in silently with a gentle smile.

"Wassup?" Gilbert said flatly, sitting and drinking on the floor while leaning against the bed.

"Ah, not much amigo," Antonio sat beside Gilbert, leaning to face him. "I think Arthur's having a bad day, so try not to take it too personally."

"I'm not," Gilbert scoffed. "I just feel kinda shitty... I just wish I was a better friend because maybe this would've turned out better."

Antonio nodded sympathetically. They've had this chat a couple of times over the years and while it had definitely waned in intensity, there was no way to alleviate Gilbert's guilt permanently.

"Because I was paying the most attention to him and I didn't notice shit."

"You feel shallow... I know,' Antonio pat Gilbert's arm. "But you're not shallow amigo, you're a great friend."

"Ha, now maybe," Gilbert took a big swig of his drink. "Come on, I was an asshole back then."

"We were kids," Though Antonio could see Arthur agreeing with Gilbert's assessment. He did too... to an extent. "You were yourself and people took that as being an asshole."

"But I didn't notice how he was feeling," Gilbert grimaced. "And I said I liked him."

"He was internalizing his feelings, you couldn't have known amigo," Antonio replied, thinking of Lovino. "And you were never an asshole to him."

"Yeah, but that's what we think," Gilbert pushed back. "What if he perceived it differently somehow? Like Lovi?" 

Gilbert slumped back further as he muttered. 

"What if he thought I was an asshole?"

"Then he thought you were an asshole amigo, but you don't know that," Antonio rubbed his friend's shoulder. Gilbert just nodded without arguing. But Antonio knew that could mean that Gilbert couldn't articulate his thoughts into one right now.

Instead of letting the silence stretch on, Antonio spoke. Maybe it was his older brother instincts but every year he felt a sense of responsibility on this day. 

"Could you please go light on the drinks tonight? We can go all out another night but tonight's not the night. I think Arthur's not doing too well so one less thing to worry about would help him out."

"I guess I can try not to be an asshole tonight, I promise you won't have to worry about me." Gilbert sighed before a teasing grin stretched across his face. "I won't even vape, even where Arthur can't see."

"See? You're a good friend, amigo," Antonio leaned against the albino. "When you want to be."

"I am an awesome friend!" Gilbert retorted. "I can't help it if I'm so awesome weaklings can't handle it."

"And that's why you get called an asshole amigo."

"I'm just being my awesome self!" Gilbert sat up and crushed the can. "So... how are you doing?"

"Me? Ah, fine?" Antonio shrugged. He wasn't lying. Not much got him down, so it was easy for him to always be there for his friends. "Why are you asking?"

Gilbert shrugged and glanced away. Antonio saw that he almost tossed the can out of habit but stopped himself. Since Gilbert had essentially been his brother from another mother his entire life, Antonio knew something was on his mind.

"Come on, just tell me. You know I'm a good listener!"

Dubbed by Francis, if solely because Antonio forgot half of the sensitive things shared with him... Maybe 'oblivious' was still a useful descriptor...

"Well... I should probably make it a habit," Gilbert added, tossing the can from hand to hand. "Check in on my friends. Show I care."

Gilbert looked Antonio in the eye. 

"Because... I might not care if some random, unawesome strangers think I'm an asshole... I don't wanna be an asshole to my friends." Gilbert cracked a smile. "At least, not on accident."

Antonio grinned at Gilbert's joke before softening to something more serious.

"Amigo, no one who cares about you thinks you're an asshole, not really. You might act like it but none of us really believe it."

Gilbert nodded before jumping up a moment later.

"Alright, that's enough unawesome moping! We've got a job to do and that's making sure this party is awesome and Al doesn't feel like shit for finally having some fun after so long!"

The pair left the silent bedroom and Gilbert carefully latched the door behind him before strutting off to finish organising the drinks. Antonio hummed in contentment and glanced around at what needed doing.

He could see Feliciano and Lovino setting up the decorations in the living room. Feliciano had been ecstatic to design and craft the Spongebob-themed decorations for the party and was even more happy that Lovino had assisted him. As the decorations went up, Antonio recalled a long time ago when he watched the simple timeless kids show with his friends. It was all good memories...

Besides who wasn't here... but Antonio hoped no one thought of that after seeing the colourful distractions.

The set-up team was just their small group and Antonio could already feel the building anticipation invigorating him. He had a good feeling about the day and hoped that when the house was full of friends, everyone would be able to relax and have fun.

His gaze lingered on Lovino, who was working without his usual scowl.

Antonio really wished their relationship came easy, like Feliciano. Being a brother to Feliciano was easy but Lovino was resistant and it was a shame. Antonio wished he and Lovino were closer but his brother seemed intent on keeping everyone at arm's reach because he didn't know how to let anyone in.

Antonio was glad that Lovino said something that night, even if his courage was just alcohol and Alfred's pep talk. But now Antonio couldn't just rest knowing that things weren't okay.

There was so much he could do, wanted to do, but it was just a matter of if Lovino would let him. 

Antonio frowned as he thought. He really wanted to make Lovino go to therapy but he was too nervous to push the idea. If he brought it up once and it didn't go well, then he could never bring it up again without immediate dismissal.

From what Antonio knew from Francis, Alfred really needed therapy too... maybe he could convince Alfred to go, then have him use that leverage to convince Lovino. But it was intimidating when the stakes felt way too high.

"Go have a drink bastard!" Lovino snapped, snapping Antonio from his thoughts. "Drink some of that disgusting shit that bastard Gilbert brought!"

"Huh?" Antonio cocked his head. "Why?"

"So you stop fucking starting!" Lovino huffed and Antonio pulled an apologetic face. Lovino's face twisted as he forced more words out. "Clearly you're stressed... so..."

Lovino cut himself off with a growl but his eyes lingered warily on Antonio.

"Oh, you're looking out for me? You're such a good little brother-"

Lovino huffed and turned back to the decorations.

Antonio heard a commotion in the kitchen so he wandered in to offer assistance only to find Ludwig organising the fridge with... the word "dictatorship" was more descriptive than "enthusiasm", but Ludwig seemed to have fun playing Tetris with the party food and Antonio wouldn't ever discourage someone from doing something they enjoy.

Even Gilbert found it annoying if his exasperation was anything to go by. He sat food he had brought in from the car onto the kitchen counter with an exaggerated eye roll. It was clearly an attempt to get a rise out from his rigid younger brother, but Ludwig didn't react. 

"Ach so, I'll offer my awesome help to someone else then," Gilbert sighed dramatically, still trying. Ludwig didn't react so Gilbert rolled his eyes again and smirked when they landed on Antonio.

"So where's Francy and the birthday boy?" 

"Francis is taking care of Alfred," Antonio could hear Gilbert's cheeky tone when he asked a question he knew the answer to.

Gilbert leaned towards Ludwig as he put his fingers in his mouth and wolf-whistled while making suggestive faces. Antonio couldn't help but laugh while Ludwig cringed and glanced at Gilbert in disappointment. 

A noise of disgust came from behind him and Antonio turned to see Lovino, making Gilbert laugh that he had managed to get a reaction from someone.

"Where's Arthur. Wasn't he supposed to be helping us?" Lovino ignored Gilbert, whose face fell slightly at the question.

"Yeah, he's not hiding is he?" Gilbert's tone failed to hide the twinge of guilt.

"Ah... he just wanted some peace before everything got hectic," Antonio quickly explained. "He probably isn't feeling too well today so even if he thought he could... I guess we should just go easy on him."

Antonio gave Lovino a soft smile, wordlessly asking Lovino to give Arthur grace. Lovino just glanced away and Antonio could tell his brother felt guilty for accusing. Antonio ruffled his hair to tell him 'it's okay, don't hold onto it', earning a growl as his hand was slapped away.

"Okay, so Arthur's sitting out, tch, lazy." There was less edge to Lovino's tone than usual, his comment was purely sarcastic humour.

Antonio thought he should coax Arthur out soon. He was slightly surprised his friend would rather hide away instead of micromanaging the preparations, just as he had done until now. Maybe Arthur had a rough morning...?

But Antonio knew this was the first time there was a birthday party being set up in this house for 7 years... and if there was one, it would've been for two.

"He's not actually lazy-" Ludwig began chidingly, the humour going over his head.

"I know that! Get off my back!" Lovino snapped before pointing at Gilbert. "You, come help us hang shit, you lazy bastard."

Antonio withheld a sigh as he scratched the side of his head. He'd just have to keep things moving smoothly.

"What if I went to cheer him up!" Feliciano skipped up to Antonio.

No one could resist Feliciano's charm! And being alone... Antonio wouldn't picture Arthur feeling any better and his mood recovering without assistance. 

"Well... I don't see why not!"  Antonio smiled as he settled on his decision.

Chapter Text

Arthur didn't realise how deeply he had zoned out until a knock jolted him back into existence. He felt a flash of annoyance at the abrupt sound and that annoyance only grew as the door swung open before he could speak.

"Don't you know how to knock?" He barked as a cheerful voice sang through the room.

"Arthur~ Whatcha doing-? Oh, I knocked?" Feliciano questioned and Arthur's ire turned inwards.

"Yes, you did knock, didn't you," he grumbled and rubbed a hand on his face, only now realizing how irritated his eyes were. "I meant, couldn't you have waited for an answer?"

"I guess so, you might've been changing or something," Feliciano nodded and found a seat on the desk beside Arthur. "Don't worry! I wouldn't have looked!"

"Splendid..." Arthur said flatly as he pulled some papers out from Feliciano and mentally sighed in relief to see they weren't crumpled... much.

"Anyways, I'm here to see where you are!" Feliciano kicked his legs, apparently immune to the stuffy atmosphere of the silent office...

"Well, now that you know I'm here, you can leave with your curiosity satisfied," Arthur muttered as he habitually reached for his mug and took a sip, sighing when he realised it was cold.

"Do you want more tea?"

"Oh you don't have to-"

Feliciano yanked the mug from Arthur's hand and was out the door before he could finish. Arthur's hand twitched before he ran it through his hair with a sigh and the weight of the room filled his lungs again.

He just felt worse and he couldn't make it go away. He just wanted this feeling to pass already and for things to return to normal.

Before he knew it, Feliciano returned with two mugs, placing one in front of Arthur... along with five packets of sugar. 

"I forgot if you like sugar or not so here you go!" Feliciano beamed as he sat on the desk again.

"Thanks... really." Arthur sipped the tea. The ratio of milk was off... but he wasn't about to complain. Not when a warm feeling flushed through him, one that didn't come from the warm liquid.

Feliciano reminded him... of how he remembered Matthew. He objectively knew his memory would be distorted and unreliable, but his heart didn't care.

"It's all good!" Feliciano sang and resumed kicking his legs while drinking his own tea. Arthur couldn't help but find it endearing.

He didn't realise he was staring until Feliciano spoke again.

"Oooh, those pictures are nice!" Feliciano pointed to the corkboard on the wall by Arthur's desk. Arthur's collection of postcards...

Then Arthur found himself staring at them... and his mug felt heavy...

"Are those the postcards from Matthew?" Feliciano asked. Arthur couldn't tear his eyes away.

"Yes..." his throat felt tight.

"Antonio told me about them... they're really sad..."

"There's all I have," Arthur's voice wavered. He cursed the tightness. "All I have to remember him by now is a postcard missing a return address. This is all I have to know he still exists."

Arthur choked and his face moistened, but he didn't dare clear his throat in case Feliciano noticed.

But Feliciano said nothing. Not about Arthur's pitiful state, and not about the cards. Instead, he stared at the pictures with a faraway expression and Arthur used that opportunity to discreetly wipe his face with his sleeve.

"But that's alright," Arthur nodded, swallowing a lump. "Because I'm sure he's doing well and this is enough for me to know, so... I'm grateful that... I really am..."

The words got caught again, this time not just in his throat. His mind faltered as he wondered if he even understood what he was saying.

More silence passed and it was unnerving how quiet Feliciano was. Quiet had never been a word to describe him. Just when Arthur was going to break the silence with repeated thanks for the tea, Feliciano spoke. 

"I keep worrying that Lovino will leave cus he gets really pissy..." Feliciano bumped his shoes together nervously as he put on an optimistic tone. "But I just know he's actually hurt and not pissy so I know how to handle him."

Arthur looked to Feliciano, turning his head thoughtfully. He couldn't say with certainty that Lovino wouldn't storm out and never come back, Arthur hadn't been certain of anything in a long time... but Feliciano didn't need to know that Arthur wasn't confident.

"Lovino wouldn't leave," Arthur said comfortingly, voice full of authority. "He cares about you too much..."

"But what if he gets really upset?" Feliciano whined, his lip trembling.

"Then you'll know about it because he'll lash out," Arthur insisted, before taking a deep breath as a wave ran through him and the tightness returned. "I just wish... Matthew felt like he could've lashed out because maybe then..."

The door opened and closed just as quick as someone stepped into the office.

"Oh, Lovi!" Feliciano turned his cheerfulness back on as easily as flicking a switch while his legs began swinging. "Have you come to check in on Arthur too?"

Lovino grunted, not making eye contact with either of them as he lingered by the door. Arthur could only assume it was a grunt of affirmation because Feliciano smiled.

"Did Tonio tell you we were in here too?" Feliciano chirped and Lovino's mouth twitched.

"I just checked every room until I found you..."

A moment passed and Arthur spoke.

"Well, I'm fine. Just wanted to, uh, some time to myself before the house became overwhelming."

"I feel bad for you," Lovino stated, though there was no malice in his eyes. Arthur's eyebrow twitched.

"I know," Feliciano agreed and Arthur's shoulders slumped.

"I-" Lovino made a brief face of frustration before crossing his arms and moving to stand beside Arthur. "I want you to feel better, even if you're a bastard. You've been moping for too long and it's making that idiot Toni stress. So I'm going to give my two cents and you're going to stop fucking moping so much."

Arthur felt conflicted by the words and tone but couldn't linger when Lovino kept speaking to prevent anyone from interrupting.

"I'm not going to say I know what that Matthew was thinking but I know how I feel so I'll just tell you how I feel," Lovino sucked in a deep breath. "You're probably thinking he fucking hates your guts and wishes you were dead or some stupid shit... but I remember what a passive pussy that idi- guy was and I really don't think he resents anyone."

"Mattie was always so nice! I don't think so either, I think he was just sad" Feliciano hummed and smiled guiltily when Lovino glared for interrupting.

"Tch, yeah, I think that too... I think if he hates anyone... it's himself." Lovino kept his eyes firmly on the floor. Arthur didn't know what to think of Lovino's speculation and he certainly wouldn't say it made him feel better.

"He has no reason to hate himself," Arthur said firmly, his stomach turning.

"There's no way he isn't angry," Lovino scorned as he eyed the postcards. "He's just really good at hiding it, which is fucking stupid because then he's only taking it out on himself..."

"And you take it out on everyone else?" Arthur said sharply and Lovino's face hardened.

"Lovino doesn't mean to!" Feliciano jumped to his brother's defence, looking between them. "He's just-"

"An asshole, I know idiota," Lovino grit his teeth. "It's okay, I know I'm a bastard... But I guess that doesn't make me any better off."

Arthur, not wanting to say anything that would instigate a derailing argument, only raised an eyebrow.

"Because then I'm an asshole!" Lovino raised his voice in explanation as his eyes desperately tried to communicate something to Arthur. "I treat everyone like shit and then I just end up hating myself in another way because I feel like shit for being an asshole instead of feeling like however the fuck Matthew felt for being angry at himself. Because come on, he probably hates himself for "letting" it happen or whatever!"

Arthur bit his lip as he considered that and refrained from commenting on Lovino's perspective. It hurt. Hurt to learn and hurt that there was nothing he could do even ask Matthew how he had felt, let alone fix it.

"Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all," Lovino growled, crossing his arms even tighter as he stared at his shoes.

"So Matthew didn't want to take it out on anyone else because he thought it was his fault?" Arthur reiterated tensely.

"Maybe. Either he was angry at himself or angry at everyone else but just couldn't do anything about it." Lovino just shrugged dismissively. "It's a stupid idea. I'm shit at explaining."

Arthur bit his lip. If he took the postcard at face value... Matthew didn't hold anything against them, if only perhaps because of the passage of time. He sincerely hoped that Matthew was relieved of the burden of blame and nothing was festering inside him...

Maybe Lovino's words had helped a little... adding some perspective, especially after the postcard. Or he can convince himself that's what he needed to hear. 

Arthur didn't know what he needed. 

"Lovi," Feliciano's voice wavered as he spoke up. "Are you sure you don't hate us? Yesterday you said that my pasta was shit and the sauce clings wrong..."

"Tch, I don't fucking hate anyone, idiota," Lovino's ears went red at that statement. "And I only said that because everyone goes on and on about how your pasta is so good so I thought you needed a different opinion."

Arthur raised an eyebrow and Feliciano made a questioning noise.

"I know... it's stupid and petty," Lovino grit out. "Your pasta isn't actually shit... we use the same recipe so that's just stupid to say."

Arthur tilted his head in pointed agreement while taking a sip of his tea.

"Don't look at me like that!" Lovino barked. "You'd do the same when everyone says Feli's pasta is better when it's the exact same as mine! Yet everyone likes his better because he made it!"

Feliciano's eyebrows furrowed in confusion while Arthur's shoulders drooped and he put down his mug. A feeling sank in his stomach, one of pity as he picked up on what Lovino was leaving unsaid.

he felt lesser
and he just wanted warmth

Just like Matthew...

Of course, Arthur was well aware of the past. He'd spent countless nights combing through everything before Matthew's absence. How couldn't he notice that Alfred had consumed so much more attention in comparison? How could he stop it from eating him?

The tightness came back and Arthur watched Lovino with pitiful eyes. Feliciano had a look of hurtful realisation on his face too. The office door opened again and Gilbert strutted in, right up to Arthur.

"Ha, I finally found you," Gilbert slung an arm around Arthur who tried not to make his annoyance obvious. "I'm here to step up as your awesome friend and apologise."

"For the alcohol? I'd rather you didn't acknowledge it..." Arthur muttered.

"Oh I wasn't going to apologise for that," Gilbert cackled and clapped Arthur on the back, who winced when he felt how sweaty the albino's hand was. He glared at his friend and it didn't escape his notice how he seemed paler than usual.

"No, it's not about that... I'm sorry, okay?" Was Gilbert's grand apology. "I'd get it if you actually thought I was an asshole and didn't like me all that much because... well..."

Gilbert chuckled forcefully and Arthur knew he was talking about Matthew.

"It's fine, really," Arthur shook his head, not wanting to get into a discussion about a topic that had been done to death. "I hold no resentment towards you... for that."

Arthur muttered that last part with a sly sarcastic tone to try and nudge the conversation towards their typical comforting banter, but Gilbert didn't take the bait.

"Still, I'm gonna start being your awesome friend from now," Gilbert tightened his hold and accompanied with words with a shake.

Arthur internally sighed as Gilbert started overusing the word 'awesome' again. He had a feeling that too would be done to death within a day.

"Well, better late than never," Arthur retorted in jest. Gilbert grinned and pulled him into a hug. Then Feliciano joined in and Arthur heard a sigh before feeling Lovino pat him on the back.

There was a nagging feeling inside him that made him really uncomfortable with all the attention on himself, but Arthur closed his eyes and allowed himself one moment to hug back. It was nice... and maybe just what he needed.

He didn't let it linger though and when he pat Gilbert strongly on the back, the other broke the hug before a worrying smirk stretched on his face.

"I brought this for you too!" 

Before Arthur could even question, Gilbert pulled a small bottle from his pocket and started pouring it into Arthur's tea.

"Are you bloody kidding me!" Arthur squawked when he saw the label. "Why on earth would you defile my tea in such a way! How dare you put tequila-!"

"It's tea-quila now!" Gilbert cackled obnoxiously and Arthur's face contorted in disgust and grief. 

"I'm not drinking that."

"Come on, it'll help loosen you up and you can have some fun today for once! You deserve to have some fun today too and as your awesome friend, I'll make sure it happens!" Gilbert slapped a hand down on Arthur's shoulders, ignoring Arthur's spluttering.

"Fuck this," Lovino huffed and snatched the mug before drinking it in one go and wincing in distaste. "I'm going to need it if I have to put up with you fucking idiots."

"Lovi nooo," Feliciano cried and snatched the now empty mug. "I don't want you to become an alcoholic!"

Lovino gave Feliciano an incredulous glare as he lashed out.

"Are you fucking kidding me? As if I'll become some stupid alcoholic!" 

Gilbert was still laughing and Arthur wanted to lash out at him too and insult his grating voice, but...

He was comfortable again. This he could handle. He could face the day. Better now that he didn't have to do it alone.

Chapter Text

Luckily, being a people person, the minute Alfred stepped out of the car and heard music playing from the house, his mood skyrocketed and he ran inside. He couldn't help but get into the partying mood when he saw what an awesome job his friends did. Feliciano really pulled through and went above and beyond for a Spongebob-themed party.

A variety of blue and green shaded balloons were taped to the ceiling, along with dangling jellyfish and kelp made of colourful streamers. Alfred couldn't contain a laugh when he hit them with his hand, much like a curious cat pawing at a foreign object. On the walls were cutouts and artistic renditions of the infamous cast of Bikini Bottom and the weird blotchy things in the Spongebob-world sky. 

It was so awesome and his inner child was jumping for joy, just like his outer child. Sue him, he was ready to enjoy this party. The bright colours were really improving his mood and he couldn't help but break out into an incriminating smile when he saw that Gilbert had pulled through with the alcohol... he bit back that smile as Arthur crossed his arms with a stern look.

"Go easy, okay?" Arthur dictated, his eyes pleading.

"Yeah, yeah, okay," Alfred nodded, internally fist-pumping at his victory. He didn't plan on going overboard so he supposed he could comply with Arthur's request. But he did wish Arthur didn't worry so much... 

"Alfred!" Feliciano suddenly jumped and clung to him. "Do you like it, Al?"

"Fuck yeah, dude!" Alfred roped Feliciano into a big hug. "It's awesome! You seriously should become a professional party decorator man!"

"Lovi helped too!" Feliciano said while getting the life squeezed out of him and Lovino, who had been standing beside his brother, had no time to protest before Alfred captured him in a hug too.

"Man, I don't say it enough but I really do love you dudes."

"Let me go!" Lovino squawked and gave a weak jab to Alfred's side. "You could've just said that! Why are you so hot and sweaty?"

"Oh," Alfred laughed and let them go. "Sorry! Me and Francis were in the sun at the park for a while so that might be why."

"Did you wear sunscreen?" Arthur pointlessly asked, already knowing the answer and so did Alfred, who just laughed at the defeat in Arthur's voice.

Suddenly, a French-sounding noise of disgust rang out. 

"Eugh, I should've known better than to lose track of time! Now that you've mentioned it, I can feel my skin crawling!" Francis threw his hands to his red cheeks. "I just hope my skin doesn't peel, that would be horrible!"

Alfred wouldn't help but laugh at his boyfriend's exaggerated accent.

"'orrible!" He repeated, earning him a weak glare.

"I don't have time to mock your own horrible accent, I need lotion! It's an emergency!" 

"Wait up babe! Let me help~" Alfred waggled his eyebrows at Arthur for a reaction before following. 

"Disgusting," Lovino said, tone flat.

"God forbid they use the lotion for anything other than the intended purposes," Arthur had a constipated look while Feliciano was oblivious.

"No, they're so cute!" Feliciano insisted before gasping. "Lovi! Where's Ludwig!"

"Tch, why would I keep track of him? He's probably outside talking to Kiku since Kiku actually showed up on time."

"Kiku's here?!" Feliciano bounced in excitement before running to find his friends. Lovino just sighed.

"I agree," Arthur raised his eyebrows at Lovino's expression. "Though imagine how enthusiastic he's going to be when everyone begins to show."

"Well, he's not my problem." Lovino rolled his eyes. "Have that potato bastard look after him."

Arthur pursed his lips. He wanted to say something, to encourage Lovino into a better mindset but he didn't know what.

"Well, I wouldn't worry about him tonight. Just try to let go of your worries and have some fun tonight." Arthur eventually settled on.

Lovino huffed and tilted his head in consideration.

"You first," he muttered after a moment. Arthur sighed.

"Okay, I'll strike you a deal. Let's both try, alright?"

Arthur felt he made progress when Lovino wordlessly nodded.

⊱֍⊰

"Did you hear a car door?" Alfred said for the third time as he rhythmically rubbed lotion on Francis' warm arm, trying to resist the urge to hasten due to FOMO and paranoia that he was missing seeing his guests arrive.

"Oui, I heard it too," Francis hummed and moved to grab the bottle. "How about I lotion you first so you can enjoy your party?"

"Nuh uh," Alfred insisted, "Age before beauty. And I can't have you lotion up all by yourself."

"That's right, beauty is before you~" Francis winked and Alfred couldn't help a chuckle. 

"But I don't mind, cus then I can make a fashionably late appearance!" Alfred finished lotioning and couldn't sit still as his boyfriend returned the favour. Outside the bathroom, more and more voices joined the mix and Alfred could barely contain his excitement.

"Y'know, I'm actually pretty happy I'm having a party. I love parties so, y'know..." Alfred waved his hand hoping to get the point across.

"Good, because you are worth celebrating," Francis murmured as he rubbed lotion into the back of Alfred's neck before pulling him into a kiss. Alfred looped one sticky, lotioned-up arm around Francis' neck while his hand threaded his boyfriend's hair and he pressed into the kiss. 

They broke apart a moment later, but Alfred kept his hands in place and lingered...

"Aren't you going to go out?" Francis panted, tickling Alfred's face. "Enjoy the party?"

"Yeah, I guess I should huh?" Alfred bit his lip and glanced at the closed bathroom door. "But I kinda wanna keep kissing too..."

Francis stood up before offering Alfred a hand. He wouldn't let his boyfriend's nerves get the better of him now.

"Come on, we can express our love later, when there are many more witnesses," he said with a twinkle in his eye. 

"You're right, Arthur can't watch us in here!" Alfred took the extended hand, bringing it to his lips instead of letting himself be helped up.

"Well aren't you the charmer," Francis moved his hand from Alfred's lips to cup his face. "Now get out there and share your charm with the world."

"Okay!" Alfred stood up and squared his shoulders. "Can't stay here too long or someone will come looking."

Francis' hands came to his jacket and slipped into his pocket, pulling out the postcard.

"I'll put this in your room, alright?"

There was a brief look between them and Francis' face told him he wouldn't budge. Reluctantly, Alfred nodded before opening the door.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred really did love parties. Almost as much as he loved his friends. There were a few of them he hadn't seen in a long time and he had to withhold himself from physically fawning all over them and embracing them because it really had been too long.

Even Ivan. He gave Ivan one hug and he meant it when he said it was good to see him. At least Ivan seemed like less of an asshole since high school but it could just be Alfred's sentimental perspective.

Or maybe Ivan was holding back because today was also Matthew's birthday. Having both played hockey together, Alfred figured it was okay for Ivan to feel guilty over Matthew.

Some bitter part of him thought Ivan should feel guilty.

But oh well, c'est la vie. Alfred pushed that thought away as an even better one came to him.

"Dude, we should do just dance!"

A competitive grin stretched across Ivan's face. He was hardly surprised by the suggestion, but he wasn't going to let Alfred win easily.

Especially when it went unspoken what song they'd be playing... 

⊱֍⊰

Steve is fun as always but maybe too much fun at times. Alfred was reminded of that when his cousin rocked up late with a case of fruity vodka-based drinks and an opaque Tupperware container.

"Don't tell me Alfred texted you too," Arthur said disapprovingly as a means of hello, gesturing at the drinks when Steve brought them to the kitchen to dump in the cooler box.

"Good to see you too mate," Steve laughed. "But nah, I just brought these cus I know we weren't meant to bring drinks but if you're showing up to a mate's party you can't show up empty-handed."

"It wasn't a matter of us supplying the drinks- oh never mind. Just please drink responsibly."

"Oh fuck yeah!" Was Alfred's means of saying hello as he spotted his cousin and the drinks. "What's that?"

"Cruisers, my favourite," Steve smiled as he opened one with a keychain on his belt loop. "Wanna try?"

"Alright, I'll just talk to my imaginary friends then," Arthur muttered bitterly. "Hello, flying mint bunny, why yes, I'm doing just fine. I'm certainly not on the verge of ripping my hair out."

Steve made a gesture to imply Arthur was insane before handing Alfred the open drink. He took a big swig, instantly approving due to the sweet nature of the drink.

"You are drinking girly drink, Alfred," Ivan said behind him, clearly trying to tease him further, on the day of his birth no less!

"Mate, it's vodka-based," Steve smirked as he waved one in front of the Russian. "Want it?"

The answer was naturally yes, earning barking laughter from Alfred and a defensive glare from his rival.

"Who was the winner of only dance and is better at Rasputin?" Ivan squinted his eyes mockingly and Alfred glared back.

"Also, I know you said you don't want any prezzies," Steve added, leaning in. "But, come on, aren't you curious what's in here?"

Steve held up the Tupperware container and Alfred put his drink down to take it, purposely clipping past Ivan as he did.

"Okay, maybe just a little."

As he opened it, Ivan leaned over him wanting to see what it was too and Arthur stepped forward in curiosity-

It was a fucking big hairy spider!

Alfred screamed and slapped the container across the room.

"WHAT DID YOU DO!?" Arthur screamed at Alfred before turning to Steve who was doubled over in laughter. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!"

Ivan had jerked away too and glared at Steve while Alfred started at his hands where the container just was and his heart pounded.

"Aww poor Kyle, he wouldn't hurt a fly," Steve gripped his stomach as he laughed. "He'd only hurt other spiders-"

"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GIVE ME A SPIDER DUDE!" Alfred shrieked.

"Why did you give it name," Ivan's narrow eyes burrowed right into Steve.

"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED OR WHY YOU THOUGHT TO BRING IT HERE, GET IT OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!" Arthur looked like his veins were one second away from popping.

"Yeah alright alright I'll get him," Steve said, throwing his hands up in surrender as he went to collect the container. He crouched and everyone flinched as he grabbed it and turned it over without hesitation.

"Struth, that may have been a bad idea."

"You don't say," Arthur condemned, hand running through his hair with jerky motions. Alfred could feel himself shivering too.

"Well, I mean, now I've gotta find Kyle..." Steve held up the empty container.

Arthur went deathly pale and Alfred just about shat himself. After grabbing a few drinks, he quickly vacated the kitchen while dragging Arthur along behind him.

⊱֍⊰

It was also the first time in a while since he had seen Kiku, which Kiku probably thought was for the best since Alfred tackled him in a big bone-crushing hug, maybe spilling a little of his drink on his friend due to his haste and enthusiasm.

And also jittery from that stupid spider! Why'd he even invite Steve?

"Alfred!" Kiku winced and Alfred laughed as he stepped back apologetically.

"How much have you drunk?" Kiku asked cautiously.

"Only a little! I'm not drunk yet!" Alfred laughed, knowing exactly why Kiku made that assumption. "I'm just drunk on friendship dude!"

"I see..." Kiku said, a fond look on his face. "It's good to see you, Alfred. I hope you've had a good day."

"Yeah, it's been a day," he laughed dismissively as he put his elbow on his friend's shoulder. "Wanna drink?"

Alfred gestured to the collection of drinks he had brought into the living room and left on the themed snack table so he could avoid going into the kitchen. In the end, Kiku gave in to having one and Alfred grinned as he clinked their bottles together.

"Y'know, I wouldn't be so bad if you saw me more often. Cus then it would be less exciting to see you and I wouldn't crush you every time."

"I know," Kiku shook his head sadly. "I apologise, I've just been so busy-"

"Dude quit it, let's just pick up from where we've left off. Got any good anime recs for me?"

⊱֍⊰

About half an hour later, after Steve had a lid on that container and "Kyle" was back where he belonged. About time, since Alfred had only been able to grab so many drinks and considering he made sure to share them, he needed some more. Especially now that the party was in full swing and everyone had rocked up making the house full and lively.

Alfred wandered into the kitchen, leaning on the doorframe and grinning when he spotted Arthur... just staring at that stupid kettle again.

Alfred felt some kind of magnetic pull inside him... one that ignited his 'annoying younger brother' urges. Or maybe the 2 drinks he had got to him, though Alfred would attribute his emotional high to the good times he was having.

"Artie!" Alfred's grin widened when he saw Arthur tense at the name. "Have you seen my Pookie? My French Pookie? My Fookie, if you will?"

Arthur visibly braced himself and turned like he hadn't expected to be disturbed.

"No, I don't will. And you do know it's not necessary to be attached to his hip? You can have a loving stable relationship and independence?"

Alfred giggled in anticipation of what he would say next, making Arthur sigh.

"But I yearn for him Artie! With all my heart!" Alfred choked on giggles. "And another body part."

Arthur pulled a face and Alfred felt spit fly as he barked out a laugh.

"Hey! I'm talking about my stomach! So chill!" Alfred couldn't stop laughing. "And you call Francis a pervert."

Arthur thought that perhaps, he should've had that tea-quila and eyed the drinks.

After the rollercoaster he's been on today, God forbid he have one.

Chapter Text

Alfred struggled to restrain himself from keeping his promise to Arthur because he was on a roll. He found himself sitting outside and queuing up a list of songs on Gilbert's phone to play on the big speaker Gilbert had contributed with when Antonio came up to him and sat next to him... more reluctant than Alfred had seen him before.

"Toni, don't need to look like that. I'm drinking responsibly!" Alfred felt like he had to shout to be heard over the music and strained to hear the reply.

"Ah, no it's not that amigo. I know you're being responsible." Antonio rubbed his shoulder. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Of course, I'm feeling okay!" Alfred insisted. "I'm doing so good! Everything's so good."

"Muy bien- very good," Antonio nodded. But Alfred, even if he was a little tipsy, could tell Antonio wanted to say something.

"Toni, what's going on," Alfred leaned to slide an arm over his friend's shoulders and make him feel better because he'd never seen Antonio wring his hands like that before - only to miss and embarrass himself when he overshot and almost ended up in Antonio's lap. At least it got a laugh from him.

Antonio sat him up before speaking.

"Well, I've been thinking- Don't take this the wrong way, but... would you be interested in going to therapy?"

Alfred's stomach sunk, and the music that had been too loud before seemed to grate on him now. Before he could pretend he didn't hear Antonio over said music, his friend kept talking.

"It's just that I'm sure you could benefit from it and, well, if you go, maybe Lovino would go too," Antonio said quickly. "I really really want him to. I'm... very worried. I know that I seem to be carefree most of the time but I may get a little overprotective-"

Antonio went into overdrive explaining and Alfred's brain was working slower than usual because an answer wasn't coming to him, no matter how many times he parted his mouth to speak.

Eventually, he found an answer that wasn't the immediate no that he would've settled on hadn't Antonio brought up Lovino. 

"I'll look into it." Alfred knew he had to when Antonio let out a sigh of relief, grabbing Alfred's shoulders. 

"Thank you amigo. Thank you. Please, just help me convince Lovino that he needs to invest in himself and if you can do it, he can."

Alfred nodded. He absolutely agreed that Lovino should go to therapy but him? 

It made him feel icky. 

Alfred sighed and tried to shake it off as he glanced around the yard at the rest of the partygoers when he spotted something that made his blood freeze.

"Oh my GOD!" Alfred yelled when he spotted Steve giving an oblivious and trusting Feliciano a Vegemite tube. Alfred lurched and pointed.

"Toni! Save your brother!"

Antonio's head snapped up and he sprinted.

Alfred laughed as he watched the scene, but Antonio's words were still lingering on his mind. It was time for another drink. Alfred abandoned his queueing up of songs and went inside. First, he checked the kitchen was empty before grabbing another drink, the same as the previous one so he could lie to Arthur and say it was the same. Something Arthur would have to believe, since for some reason, he wasn't in the kitchen.

⊱֍⊰

While it looked like Alfred was having fun, Francis couldn't help but be worried that the events of that morning were weighing on him and figured it was his job to be a supportive pillar in his boyfriend's world, even at the cost of being labelled 'motherly'.

But that would never hinder him from mothering his boyfriend. 

Francis found Alfred chatting away in the living room with Gilbert while Feliciano and Ludwig were all over each other in the background, and the Frenchman snuck up from behind to slink his arms around his own lover.

Alfred didn't even jump, just putting more weight into leaning back as Francis held him close, bringing his lips to Alfred's ear.

"Are you doing as fine as you look, my special birthday man," Francis rubbed his hands down Alfred's sides, earning a giggle that told Francis his boyfriend was pretty tipsy... along with pretty handsome.

"Eugh, it's mon ~boyfriend~" Alfred said in a terrible French accent and Francis exaggerated a groan. "Ai eat ze snails ahnd find zem vairy yummy~"

Gilbert laughed excessively to show his support for Alfred's teasing. Francis cleared his throat before putting on an American accent. Mocking each other's accents was a routine joke, though Francis knew Alfred found his accent attractive.

And if Francis was honest... and under oath, he would even say that Alfred's American accent was... endearing, with its own charismatic qualities.

But he'd be betraying his country by admitting that.

"Well, I eat burgers despite always having lovely home-cooked meals available," Francis replied, earning laughter from their audience.

"HEY! It was one time!" Alfred cried out, dropping the accent. "I just wanted some greasy food, sue me! And you were sleeping in!"

"I would've been happy to make us both breakfast, you know," Francis said, squeezing Alfred and using his shoulder as a chinrest.

"Uh, I'm not expecting shit from you, you don't have to do shit for me," Alfred scoffed.

"But feeding you is my love language..." Francis purred. "Why do you reject my love?"

"Well, when you put it like that," Alfred sighed exaggeratedly and turned his head when Lovino walked into the room.

"Where's..." Lovino's eyes fell on his brother, making it obvious that was who he was looking for. From Lovino's constipated expression, Alfred doubted Lovino expected to find Feliciano like this.

His brother was making out with Ludwig with intense neediness as his boyfriend sat in his lap, just like he had wanted for so long. Honestly, good for him. Alfred could barely keep a smirk from his face.

"That could be us," Francis whispered into his ear and Alfred giggled.

"We could sit next to them on the same couch and everything! Like a double date!" Alfred grinned, leaning more weight on Francis, enjoying the floating feeling that engulfed him as liquor ran through his veins. "It's not a competition or anything but I know we're definitely the cuter couple."

Lovino just walked out without expressing anything, making Gilbert's face go red as he barked out laughter that may have been influenced by being more than tipsy. That made Ludwig jump to look around, fixing his brother a glare while Feliciano whined as he pulled Ludwig back down.

"Come on, what's wrong?" Feliciano cooed as his hands wrapped tighter around Ludwig's shoulders. 

"Gilbert," Ludwig said with exasperation as if that was explanation enough. Which, naturally it was.

Feliciano grinned and closed his eyes to lean in again before jerking back.

"Wait, where's Lovi?"

"He's in the kitchen," Ludwig replied without hesitation, making it sound like this was a common occurrence as if Ludwig's sole job was to keep track of both Italians.

Luckily Feliciano just hummed in content at the answer and they went back to making out. But Alfred couldn't stop thinking about it, his stomach squeezing when he realised those two... being twins, always needed to know where the other was. Worse was he knew they weren't always like that.

He really, really wondered if Matthew was out there, celebrating... or if his own twin was just trying to forget this day altogether. It didn't hurt but it left him feeling bummed out.

Maybe he'd go talk to Lovino and cheer him up a little. After all, as much as Gilbert laughed on everyone's behalf, Alfred did know that Lovino already felt second to Feliciano and resented Ludwig for taking his brother's attention.

"Let's smooch later Francis, I'll be back." Alfred shrugged Francis off and left him to entertain Gilbert as Alfred chased Lovino.

Maybe he could plant therapy ideas without him having to actually go himself.

⊱֍⊰

It wasn't until late in the night... or early in the morning? Alfred didn't know when he sat down, admittedly a little more drunk than Arthur would've liked but it was fine because Alfred didn't feel that drunk and he could act sober if needed.

Regardless, when he checked his phone after recording another stupid video to add to his story, he realised he got a message from his Canadian friend. 

lonelymapleleaf
Today Happy birthday Alfred, are you doing anything to celebrate?
Thanks!
I'm just having a small oarty with frirnds it'snot realy a celebration party exactly tho just a regular party
Okay it's not that small soley because I have so mant friends ahaga
It's SpongeBob themed btw
Ahaha somehow I see that suiting you very well. I'm not exactly calling you childish but you do give me the impression that you enjoy things without caring about what others think about that. But you are also childish
lmao yes I am!

And Ive made an impression huh
Maybe, but there's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people never grow up and at least you're entertaining
Damn right I am! also I feel like autocrroect is doing all the heavily lifting rn
nvm lol 💀
Its cus yk what's funner than 24? 25!!!
This is what I meant by you're entertaining. And I know what you mean, I grew up watching spongebob and I have to say that sounds really cool!

I just thouhht it would be fun and I was right
My bf made Krabby patties Ill sent photos later I know he took some
You'll have to tell me all about it after. I don't want to keep you from celebrating
nah youre fin e Im just chilling on my phone dor a bit
I was adding to my story you should have a look!!
besides I'm not really celebrating celebrrating but yk
oh I guess you don't Ahaha don't worry I'm just slighty tpsy
im not shhh Arthur wont let me get drunk ahaha
Why not? It's your birthday party isn't it? Is he worried you'll do something stupid? That would be my concern so I wouldn't blame him for thinking that too
no it's just A partyy
dw about it uh he just doesn't want me to get sad or something
I'm not a sad drunk tho so I'll be fine but ill snitch and say he's the sadest frunk
So that means he's worried about you doing something stupid? Didn't you throw up in your friend's pot plants last time?
doing something stupid is on brand for me right 💀 also nUH UH
he's hust trying to bw responsible
fuck I'm 25 I need to be responsible too
Yeah you're an adult now, and your brain should finish developing soon. Even if you drink you have to do it responsibly. Does that mean he doesn't trust you to be responsible lol
Yeah that has to be it!
Ill harass him later
hey whens your birthday tho
If were friends iv e gotta know cus idk think its on your profile
Don't be too harsh on him, he just wants the best for you and you complained about throwing up last time. He's just showing you some tough love
It's August 28

Why did that day tickle something in his brain? Alfred started at his phone screen...

That was the day that wasn't crossed out on Matthew's calendar. Fuck.

Alfred put his phone down, ignoring the slap it made when he hit it against the table too forcefully. He skulled the rest of his drink as he pushed his phone away from him and let it fall onto the floor.

He could drink responsibly. Totally.

Arthur was going to be so pissed...

But whatever, that wasn't what Alfred was concerned about now. His main concern was grabbing two drinks. One for himself, and one to pour out on the curb, because how could he have forgotten about his tradition?

There were a lot of things he couldn't forgive himself for forgetting. But claiming to have forgotten his promise to Arthur wasn't going to be one of them.

⊱֍⊰

It was a couple of hours later and Alfred was definitely trying his best not to sway by leaning on the hallway wall as if he was fine with chilling there by himself. But acting like he was fine was an uphill battle, especially when it felt like he was inside a washing machine, spinning around and around?

He had partied hard and caught up with everyone and now much to his dismay, he knew it was getting to that stage of the night where everything turned around and started to wind down...

He always felt a little sad when the first guest left. It was hard to say goodbye, and it always felt too soon. Whoever took the first napkin influenced the rest, and slowly but surely, the crowd dwindled. A unique feeling.

Alfred's lethargic brain only worried about Francis being able to smell the incriminating evidence on his breath after his boyfriend cozied up to him and pressed their foreheads together.

"I literally just finished my uh," Alfred blanked as he tried to think of a reasonable number to lie about. "Fifth drink... so sorry if my breath smells bad."

"Well, as long as it doesn't taste bad," Francis leaned to lick Alfred's lips as he pulled him close by his jacket, making Alfred stumble into Francis.

"I'm not drunk! I promise!" Alfred jumped back, but through the haze of his swirling vision, he knew he couldn't convince Francis otherwise.

Instead of acknowledging it, Alfred only realised a moment later that Francis was letting him off the hook by changing the subject and holding up his phone.

"Are you still feeling alright?" Francis reached to steady his boyfriend. It was out of character for Alfred to not have his phone on him because usually he was constantly filming with it to put moments on his stories.

"Yeah, I just lost this." 

He didn't really want his phone back, until now he had been recording everything and having the time of his life because after all, everyone was here for him. He could continue doing that and try to be alright... but honestly? He just wanted to crash.

Must be age.

Ew. NO.

Francis could hear his answer was slightly slurred and made a noise of annoyed disapproval.

"Non, answer my question," Francis leaned in closer, leaning in closer so his boyfriend could get a whiff of the perfume he liked to comment on so much. "Because if you're not okay, then I'll have to distract you, yes?"

"Well if I actually feel like shit, then being distracted romantically just wouldn't feel right cus it'd be associated..." Alfred mumbled, pressing his nose into Francis' neck. "Cus then I'd be thinking about it and- actually fuck, I forgot about the postcard until now. Fuck."

Francis made a noise of apology before stepping back.

"Wait here, I'll get you a nice glass of cold water with nice crunchy ice cubes in it. Doesn't that sound nice?"

Alfred nodded and leaned into the wall, pressing his face into his elbow. He only looked up when he felt Francis poke his shoulder a few moments later.

It wasn't Francis. Gilbert was standing in front of him with serious eyes staring into his.

"What happened Al? What are you trying to forget?"

Alfred blinked slowly as he thought about his options, but he didn't see many through the haze of the situation he had drunk himself into. He could say nothing and repeat it until Gilbert got bored, but Alfred knew his friend was smart and knew that something had happened and if Gilbert was here so soon he had probably overheard things said... not that Alfred could really remember what Francis had said but he did remember that Francis was acting all concerned and motherly so Gilbert would've picked up on that-

"Alfred," Gilbert persisted, putting a firm hand on his shoulder. "Come on, what's wrong. I'm your awesome friend so you should know I can definitely help you feel better."

Alfred really couldn't be bothered lying. Plus, Gilbert was his best friend. One of them anyway. He had so many and he loved them all...

Focus.

"Matt sent another postcard," Alfred swallowed thickly, putting more weight on the wall. "And... yeah. I just feel sad."

"That's it? Really? Why would that make you sad?" Gilbert pressed, a knowing look in his eyes that something more had happened. 

"Matthew actually wrote something," Alfred's lips twisted as his mind wandered. "I can't really remember what it said but basically he's sorry..."

"He wrote in it?" Gilbert's tone was definitely surprised and curious. "What did he say? Can you remember anything? Did he say anything about me?"

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Alfred felt a sense of amusement. Gilbert always said he was over Matthew and has actually tried dating since, even if he couldn't get into it, citing there was always something wrong with the other person... definitely not because Gilbert believed he was cursed.

But from the way he asked about the card, Alfred got the impression that Gilbert cared a lot.

But why wouldn't he? Everyone cared about Matthew. Everyone. Even if Matthew didn't know it and never will. So of course everyone would want to know if Matthew had said something about them... if only to know where they stood.

Like Alfred did... because that card wasn't clear enough.

"No, it was just me and Arthur..." Alfred was really looking forward to that glass of icy water now. He slumped forward and Gilbert lurched to hold him.

"Well, that's really unawesome that it fucked you up then," Gilbert said, but Alfred had to give him credit because it looked like he didn't know what to say, instead just patting him on the back. "I thought it would've made you feel so much better."

"Yeah... me too, dude," Alfred could feel tears collecting on his lashes and he held onto Gilbert as he fought them back. "Matthew just said he wishes things were different but we're never gonna see him again, which I knew, but still... I just wish I could choose to- ughhh, tell myself I feel better about it..."

Things were slightly hazy but Francis came back and had him drink delightfully cool water. It made him feel a little bit sharper and he continued to crunch on the ice cubes as he was led to sit on the couch in the living room, sandwiched between his friends.

Most of the decorations were still in place, a few having been knocked about by partygoers and played with a little too roughly. The snack table however, was completely decimated and Alfred had to be honest in admitting he played a part in that. Feliciano was asleep on the couch where he had been earlier, though Ludwig was still on his lap. Alfred knew Ludwig preferred his own bed so he suspected the man didn't want to move from his current position lying on top of Feliciano, if only out of endearment, despite his own exhaustion.

It was cute and Alfred couldn't help but let his gaze linger. He only realised that Francis and Gilbert were talking beside him when he heard Arthur's name.

"-ironic that Arthur didn't want us to drink but I think he's drunk the most," Gilbert cackled as he drank an alcoholic drink of his own. 

Seeing his friend still drinking made Alfred's stomach feel queasy and his eyebrows furrowed at Gilbert's words. He realised he hadn't seen Arthur in a while... and a sense of protectiveness swelled. Luckily, Francis fought his battles for him. 

"It's been a hard day for them both," Francis said, tone sympathetic but serious. "I hope you understand the severity when I say perhaps we shouldn't comment on Arthur today."

"Where's Arthur?" Alfred forced himself to say as he tried to think of where Arthur was. He really was a shit brother because why was it only now that Alfred was realizing Arthur probably had just as much of a shit day as him. Alfred didn't even talk to him about the card at all! Not since it first arrived!

"Toni took him to his room so I guess he's done for the night. And it's only two am! What a geezer." Gilbert made light of it in his usual way as he finished the rest of his drink. 

Alfred snickered weakly at that, but he had to admit, bed sounded nice right now... and so did crying in the shower.

Not that he was upset or anything. He just felt strange. And really, really drunk.

"So, that means I win and I can drink as much as I like," Gilbert cracked open another drink. "Good thing my awesome baby brother is tonight's taxi."

Ludwig sent over an unimpressed glare as he kept his movements to a minimum while resting on top of Feliciano.

"I hope you realise it's you I'm waiting for," Ludwig grumbled. "While Alfred wants you here, we're obliged to wait-

"Nope! We're waiting on Lovino too! In fact, I'm pretty sure he's the only reason you haven't forced us into the car, ja? Because he's going through shit and since he's having fun here you don't wanna take that away from him." Gilbert smirked like he had figured out the DaVinci code. "You're a big softie, aren't you? Definitely, since you haven't told me to go fuck myself and take a taxi so you can get yourself and prettyboy home."

Ludwig grumbled again and Gilbert cackled, at least minding his volume if only for Feliciano.

"You're an awesome bro, I just hope you know. I love you~" Gilbert made drunken cooing noises. "Naw, you're so cute, why'd you have to grow up, my cute baby brother~"

As much as Alfred loved being around his friends, especially while they were being their iconic and lovable selves, he really had to pee. He stood up while announcing just that and insisting he could do it by himself and didn't need anyone to hold his hand.

"Even if it's really hard to resist an opportunity to hold your hand," Alfred winked at Francis as he struggled to leave the room without crashing into obstacles. Real smooth.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred was sitting in the shower and the water wasn't running. But he was drunk so who cared. His cell phone wasn't in sight and he was just living in the moment!

Crying wasn't happening either, no matter what thoughts raced through his head while he held his knees and leaned against the glass pane.

He said he wouldn't get drunk but here he is... what would Arthur think.... why couldn't prove he was the big twenty-five-year-old that Arthur saw him as but apparently... he couldn't even do that.

Could he do anything?

Alfred picked himself up because he knew that someone would come looking for him if he took his time and being on the floor of the shower would be really awkward and he didn't want to endure someone treating him like glass in that weird babying voice because that might actually make him cry-

He left the bathroom, memory blanking so bad he wasn't sure if he turned the light off or even flushed but he was too drunk to care.

Alfred used the wall to navigate back to the living room so he could flop onto his friend's lap and drift off in Francis' arms. He was so consumed with that thought it took him a moment to realise he was hearing noises coming from Arthur's room. 

He stood outside the door, trying to focus as worry built up in his chest. Maybe instead of going back to Francis... Tonight should be one of those nights where he keeps his brother company... crashing in Arthur's bed sounded appealing because it was the closest soft surface and he could trust his brother to make everything okay-ish.

Plus... Alfred wanted to make sure Arthur was okay too.

Alfred couldn't make out the muffled sounds because of the door, so he quietly pushed it open and peeked into the dim room.

He didn't know what he expected, yet somehow he wasn't surprised. Well, unsurprising that some of the noises he was hearing was Arthur drunkenly sobbing. But what did surprise him was that Arthur wasn't alone.

Laying on his big brother's bed with his back turned to him, was Antonio. Neither of them could see Alfred was there because Arthur was sobbing into Antonio's chest and his hands were gripping and fisting Antonio's shirt from behind while the Spaniard pat his hair and whispered encouragement and support.

Alfred's lip trembled and couldn't help but stare as he really registered the scene. He felt an immense feeling of gratitude towards Antonio for handling it.

And guilt because Antonio might've been the first person to check in on Arthur all day...

Fuck it, Alfred knew he really should go to therapy. If only for Antiono and also because Francis had been insisting for years...

It would help so many people if he was the first to take that step. Because then hopefully, Lovino and Arthur would follow, because Alfred knew they were all fucked up and really needed it.

He quietly shut Arthur's door and found his way back to the living room. The rest was a blur but he remembered waving Ludwig off and Francis taking him back to his room because suddenly he was sitting on his bed and Alfred was talking before he even knew what he was saying.

"Can I lay on you?" He strained to keep his eyes open, but every time he closed them he could see Ludwig trying not to fall asleep on Feliciano and Alfred's heart leapt.

"Do you promise you don't feel like throwing up?" Francis murmured as he paused propping up pillows.

"No, I feel fine, really," Alfred's voice was tired with exhaustion as he laid back and the room spun just a little. "Please?"

"Of course you can, my love," Francis pulled Alfred to lay on him and yanked the covers over them before carefully taking his boyfriend's glasses off. Alfred buried his face into Francis' neck as he went boneless and he thought he could hear his boyfriend either whispering or singing in French but that thought faded when he passed out immediately and surrendered to the warmth.

Chapter Text

After a couple of days, Alfred's pitiful hungover state was just a memory. A bad memory at that and he really didn't want to linger on it because he was starting to notice a trend of getting more and more pitifully hungover... despite not overdoing it like he used to. It wasn't fair and it scared him. Was he really growing up? Was he 'grown up', now? He didn't want to think about what that meant as the clock kept ticking...

Either way, with the party come and gone, it was time to face the music. That music was wedding bells because Arthur hadn't forgotten his promise. 

Which is good, really, but still. Wasn't it a bit soon? It felt like the party was literally yesterday!

...Alfred didn't know why he was getting so sweaty about it.

Maybe it wasn't even about the rings, or the proposal or the bound-for-life thing... He didn't know what it was about but the past few days passed in a blur.

But he was fine. Well, it just depended on the time of day. Alfred knew he needed therapy. Could he really go into a marriage like this? Did he want to?

No. He didn't. Alfred had a feeling of clarity that told him that if he didn't get his shit sorted... he'd just be holding himself back and he didn't want that. Plus, he was 25, an adult! How much longer could he put it off? He was researching options for therapy when Arthur knocked on his bedroom door and came in before Alfred could reply.

"Dude!" Alfred slammed his laptop shut, ears red at the idea of Arthur seeing what was on his screen. "What if I had been-"

"Changing? God I could only hope," Arthur pointed at the same clothes Alfred had been sitting in for days because that party had really taken something out of him. And, in his defence, he works from home. 

Alfred just huffed in annoyance.

"You'll have to get changed because we're not putting off ring shopping any longer." Arthur fisted Alfred's shirt and pulled his brother to his feet. "Come on now, I'm sure you'd like a nice distraction, yes?"

"Is that okay though?" Alfred huffed as he stood by himself, shaking Arthur off. "That I just use Francis to distract myself? That's just putting a burden on him to always distract me and he shouldn't have to deal with me because I can't deal with myself!"

"I'm not going to argue when you're like this," Arthur huffed and turned to leave. "We're going to go out, have fun, become optimistic about your bright and ... well, your future and one day you'll thank me for pushing you."

"Fine!" Alfred called back before groaning loudly as he got changed. Apparently, he wasn't getting changed fast enough and groaned again when Arthur walked back in.

"Dude, and you call me and Francis perverts!"

"I'm not even looking at you!" Arthur growled, his eyes fixated on his phone. "I'm having Antonio make sure Francis stays distracted today so he doesn't catch onto the true nature of our 'brotherly day out.'"

"Good thinking," Alfred huffed as he threw on his classic aviation jacket. A brotherly day out didn't sound so bad. Besides, Alfred had other things he needed to do that he could finally achieve today.

"I'm ready," he announced as he pushed past Arthur. "And can we do normal shopping too? Because I just finished my letter chronicles and need a new journal."

"Of course, fine, we'll do regular shopping first so you have no distractions on your mind when you choose a ring. Because you will be choosing a ring."

"Yeah I know, step one and all that." Alfred nodded as they locked the house and jumped into the car, warm from being parked in the July sun. Alfred hoped the mall would be cold because as much as he loved his favourite jacket, it was hot. But not as hot as Francis~

"If only you had planned in advance," Arthur muttered as he turned the air conditioner on high and pulled out of the driveway. "Francis' birthday is only ten days after yours. You could've proposed then but now it would be too short notice."

"Well, there's always next year!" Alfred retorted. 

"No-" Arthur let out a groan of resignation. "Why am I telling you how to propose to that... irrelevant. Just give him a special birthday regardless."

"Relax, I've already got plans," Alfred leaned back in his seat. "I'm gonna cook for him! And no, it's not gonna be burgers!"

But he did think about it... before deciding he could do that another time.

"Suppose that'll do..." Arthur shook his head and kept his eyes on the road. A moment passed and Alfred spoke up again.

"So when should I actually propose? And where and-?"

"Alfred, I'm not planning all that for you!" Arthur exclaimed. "You can propose when you have the ring and I'm sure you're capable of figuring out something creative and over the top and thoroughly romantic."

"Right... right..." Alfred grimaced. "I just don't wanna get it wrong, y'know?"

"There is no wrong way to propose-" Arthur gripped the steering wheel tight. "Bloody- okay, I'm banning proposal talk until you've actually bought a ring to propose with."

Alfred groaned again but didn't argue because yeah, fair enough. Maybe Arthur could catch a break just this once.

"I will say this, though," Arthur spoke tensely as his eyes narrowed on the road. "Do not invite Steve to your wedding."

"Noted..." Alfred chuckled in agreement, a shiver running through his body involuntarily...

The rest of the car ride was spent in silence and Alfred took out his phone. Even when Arthur parked and the pair started exploring the shopping center, Alfred had his attention split by his phone.

Over time, he and lonelymapleleaf had gotten closer. Or at least he perceived it that way because the Canadian's texting habits had gotten better since Alfred started texting him. That was definitely something worth bragging about with the assumption that it was because of him. Alfred had already openly bragged about it because it was flattering that someone who he thought was pretty cool became sociable with him.

lonelymapleleaf
Today We're definitely friends now yk because i can wine about stupid shit and you always validate me ahaha
Well that's what friends are for, right?
just lmk if you get too sick of me ranting and ill dial it back ok
Okay. Though I'm sure you would do the same for me right? Would you listen to me rant and whine about trivial things?
ofc why wouldnt i?
we be friends 🤝
I don't know, I guess I'm just used to being overlooked or something. I don't mean that it's you or your fault, I understand people have busy lives and most people are like horses with blinders on but I don't know, if my problems are so trivial then that would make them boring, and no one wants to be boring
To be honest, I don't have many friends. I'm not the most social guy and I just stick to myself because I find that easiest
Yes you're one of them, I just know you're going to ask eh
Oh really? Quality over quantity right?
Dude, I promise you can bore me anytime
I'm happy to help
Thanks
Pinkey promise
there's no pinky emoji wtf
Also fuck yeah friendship confirmed! 🔥🔥🔥🔥 your words not mine
It's okay, I believe you. And yeah I suppose we are friends :) We have been for a while though so I don't know why you're acting like that
bc im funny alright? and ik weve been texting for months now but how do I know you're not jsut bored
I don't think I could get bored of you, you're entertaining eh? Okay that's a joke but I wouldn't lead someone on because I'm bored, I've got a lot going on in my life to keep me busy so you'll have to trust it's not boredom
ok ok im just checking!
Youre kinda hard to read sometimes and dont take this the wrong way but idk sometimes you just come off as really tired or overworked or something so you just act weird sometimes
but I overthink a lot lmao 💀
I think you're definitely overthinking. It would just be that my eyes hurt from working with screens all day
Also when are you going ring shopping? You said it was sometime soon?
today actually Arthur dragged me out 🙃
We're going normal shopping first then I'll have to bite the bullet and actually have a look at rings
God that makes me sound like an asshole huh
Maybe but I understand what you mean. It's a big decision and intimidating? Plus with so many rings to choose from, I'm sure that will only make you indecisive.
Thanks for the support man but that's not really the problem
I mean I guess that's still a problem idk what ring to get but Ill figure it out when I get in there
but fuck idk how to put it hold on dude
I'll wait, just type it out however it comes out and I'm sure I'll understand
I really want to get married to Francis okay? I like to think about it but when it actually comes to doing it I just feel like shit and my brain goes numb and I actually question if I DO want it because I don't feel it but Ik I want it
I don't even need it! Things are fine as they are!
Am I a bad person if I'm THIS against getting a ring and getting on one knee
Idk why I feel this way
Im sure a therapist would know actually i should get one
That sounds like you're stuck in paralysis because you're that scared. I suppose most people get nervous but this seems to be a more extreme reaction. I know you really do love Francis so you need to know that your brain is lying to you to hold you back and keep you comfortable with where you are now because change is difficult to think about
you're actually so smart dude
are you a psychologist part time or something
I'll try and make myself do it. for Francis in the name of love
Do it for yourself too. If you don't do something to chase what you want, you're just being complacent.
Trust me
fuck is this what going to therapy's gonna feel like?
gtg

Alfred stuck his phone in his pocket when Arthur bumped into him despite standing by the middle partition with the benches and out of the way of the crowds traversing the mall. His eyes felt a little funny and he tried to blink it away. He figured that was what he deserved since he'd been texting lonelymapleleaf ever since they arrived at the mall an hour ago. Though it felt like no time had passed at all...

"Alright, I'm done here. Please tell me you are too." Arthur eyed the excess amount of bags that Alfred initially didn't intend to leave with when he initially walked into the complex. 

But sue him! Francis' birthday was coming up and usually Alfred would build up his friend's birthday presents during the year in preparation but sometimes he got spontaneous and gifted them earlier 'just because'. In other words, he wanted to beef up his boyfriend's birthday present. It may have been lacking due to him getting a little impatient and wanting to shower his boyfriend with gifts despite there being no occasion. The occasion was he loved him, did he really need to say more?

And Francis couldn't have too many charcuterie boards... or wine charms, or pretty combs, or sparkly hair ties and other random Francis-French-coded things Alfred found while shopping that would definitely beef up his boyfriend's birthday present. Go big or go home, amirite?

Maybe he felt a little bad because he couldn't give Francis a ring for his birthday. But that was okay because then he could do it another day and make that day a romantic occasion to celebrate for years to come, which Francis would probably love so much more.

"Yep! Done!" Alfred readjusted the bags and started walking in the direction of the car.

"Alright... now, you're not going to try and tell me you're tired after all this shopping now are you?" Arthur narrowed his eyes. "Because if you open that stupid mouth of yours just to tell me that you're done for the day-"

"No, I'm..." Alfred pushed past the hesitation in his throat. What was he so scared of? "Let's do it."

He wasn't going to sabotage himself now and disappoint Arthur because Alfred still couldn't go all in.

Alfred wasn't always like this. Once upon a time, he was the antithesis of this hesitancy. This isn't what he wanted to be and he had to do something to change that. He made a mental note to continue looking at actual therapy options besides his Canadian friend once he got home. Maybe diving in headfirst would set him back on track to becoming the person he was meant to be, the person he would've been...

But first... rings.

It was a step towards something he wanted, right? He forced himself to take it.

⊱֍⊰

All the bags had been shoved into the backseat and Alfred couldn't help but bounce his leg as he sat in the passenger princess seat. Arthur, the real one that he was, had already researched a few jewellery places to check out and now Alfred had to try and keep his focus.

He was gonna go in there and look at rings and find the perfect one and not get distracted.

"I know you feel... like shite," Arthur said, his usual eloquence lost with his focus being on the road. "I feel terrible too."

Removing one hand at a time from the steering wheel, Arthur muttered with annoyance as he wiped his sweaty hands on his pants. 

"Why though?" Alfred found his own hands sweaty too and did the same. "I mean, you're not the one who's gonna get married."

"It's a change, alright? I know it won't come about suddenly but it's... I don't like it nonetheless. Regardless, you have to move forward. We both do. I think we've been over this..."

Alfred's stomach did a flip. Was Arthur talking about Matthew? The car was hotter than before and he wiped his sweaty hands again.

"I don't want to move on."

"That's not what I said," Arthur sighed, somehow reading Alfred's mind and turning the air conditioner higher. "What I mean is you cannot just put your life on hold forever because your heart is broken."

Alfred made a weak noise of understanding and turned to look out of the window instead. The only sounds in the car were the a/c and the radio, which had been turned down to volume 2 when Arthur was leaving the mall parking lot because the volume affected his ability to see. As much as Alfred loved jamming to music... turning the volume up now meant moving his arm and leaning over to do so, and he really wasn't up for that. Sitting in the silent car, limp and immobile was just fine and comfortable.

Was that complacency? 

Fuck.

He was about to lean over and turn it up when Arthur started talking again, likely in an attempt at brotherly bonding.

"So, I gave Antonio a lift home the day after the party. He slept over because, well he couldn't get home and what sort of host would I be if I didn't offer?"

Alfred resisted saying 'Yeah, I know he stayed the night ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)' because that would probably be insensitive... along with pointing out that Antonio did have a way home but had texted Gilbert to go ahead without him.

"But we had a good chat that morning," Arthur continued conversationally. "It was such a good chat we lost track of time. The twin's grandfather was there as well. I suspect he needs glasses because he mistook a grapefruit for an orange."

"Uh huh..." Alfred nodded as he listened, arms feeling weak in his lap and his head fuzzy.

"Lovino... he's a cheeky lad. He didn't correct his poor grandfather at all. Instead, he doubled down and laughed when his grandfather realised his mistake. Lovino doesn't understand how lucky he is that his grandfather is so good-natured."

"Man, that sounds like Lovino..." Alfred laughed as he imagined it. "Lemme guess, he called his grandpa and idiot and threatened to put him in a home? Fuck, I can imagine Gilbert doing that to his grandpa..." 

Alfred couldn't stop the cruel grin as he imagined Gilbert's less good-natured grandfather not taking it in such good fun. If anything, Gilbert's grandfather would put him in a home.

"Just hold on a second," Arthur spied a service station and read the fuel price. "I'm going to pull in here. This is the cheapest I've seen it and I won't pass it up."

Alfred pretended to be completely consumed with whatever was outside his window in the hopes that he could get out of having to contribute to the fuel-

"I'll keep the receipt and you'll wire me half," Arthur said in his usual no-nonsense tone.

"Oh come on! I do your finances for free!"

"That's why I'll be giving you the receipt," Arthur replied smugly.

Alfred huffed and exaggeratedly crossed his arms but didn't argue further. After all, with how often Francis stayed with them, Alfred really didn't want Arthur to point out that his boyfriend didn't pay anything.

But Francis cooked, so he contributed!

Once Arthur turned off the car and stepped out, Alfred was left in the silent car and the smile slipped from his face. By the time Arthur returned, the effects of the previous light-hearted conversation had disappeared and Alfred couldn't forget what they were really here for.

"Christ it's stuffy in here," Arthur muttered as he turned the car back on and began driving again. The radio remained down and the car was silent.

"Arthur... do I actually want to marry Francis?"

Arthur clutched the steering wheel as he sucked in a large breath of exasperation.

"Yes!"

Alfred was consumed by guilt because he knew he was pushing his brother but he couldn't stop talking.

"Well, I'll be stuck with him... and he'll be stuck with me..." Alfred rambled, completely unable to articulate the tangled string inside his head. "Forever."

"That's the idea," Arthur said with forced patience. "I would've thought you two romantic saps would've loved that idea. Also, don't phrase it as 'stuck with'. You of all people preach about the 'growth mindsets'..."

"Yeah, right, yeah," Alfred laughed, feeling a little short of breath as his fingers fisted his pants. "But am I sure?"

"Yes, Alfred. Good Lord."

Alfred could feel himself winding tighter as Arthur became more and more visibly annoyed. Alfred was starting to get annoyed too and he grit his teeth.

"Fuck, there's just no right choice!"

"I don't see how you could choose wrong," Arthur's voice was hard. "This isn't a moral dilemma!"

"But it is!"

"There's no right or wrong when it comes to our personal lives," Arthur stated. "Just what you want and if you're willing to take it."

"Well I want him but I already have him so I don't need to take him!"

"Forget your wants!" Arthur growled. "Relationships are about companionship and... you know what relationships are about! Christ- Can you picture anyone else?"

"No," Alfred blinked in surprise at Arthur losing his composure. "It makes me feel sick even thinking of anyone else!"

"So listen to your feelings!" Arthur hit the steering wheel with each word. "Don't overthink!" 

"Yeah we know what happened last time someone overthought shit," Alfred said bitterly and immediately regretted it when a heavy silence permeated the car and Arthur tensed in his seat.

"No, it's not his fault... he-" Alfred sighed and slumped in his seat and shook his head." I just... the feelings aren't there, y'know? Well, not to imply they're not there but... it's not like I know! Y'know how in the movies the characters know-"

"Okay, I'll cut you off there," Arthur's voice and patience were short. "Movies are exaggerated and unrealistic and hardly portray real, genuine emotions or anything that doesn't fit a clean family-friendly, romanticised standard. Don't take romance from TV. It's just as stupid as taking sexual education from the fictional staged productions known as p-"

"GOT IT! Yeah, I see your point loud and clear!" Alfred growled as he crossed his arms tightly. "Just- what if I'm leading him on?"

"He wants to be lead on then," Arthur growled in a simple, condescending voice. "Do you feel led on by him? If there won't be anyone else then just marry the poor bloke. You'll break his heart if you don't."

Alfred grit his teeth painfully harder and crossed his arms tighter. 

"It's a yes or a no Alfred, either you want to spend the rest of your life with Francis by your side as your 'person' and live per the vows, or you don't. Would it really be so horrible to achieve what we're told by society is the crowning achievement of our lives? You could have it all and you don't even see it!" Arthur tore his eyes from the road to glare at Alfred before darting them back to traffic. "But more importantly, you know what he wants, are you really going to withhold it from him?"

Alfred could feel his eyes starting to sting. He knew Arthur was right. He really, really did. He knew what Francis wanted... and Alfred wanted to give it to him. What was he so scared of? Him not being enough? It not being enough? Everything changing? Nothing changing?!

"I guess not.." Alfred forced himself to speak past the lump in his throat. 

"Oh, you guess? You suppose?" Arthur continued, tone sharp and mouth contorted into a snarl. "And in the same breath, you'll say you'll do anything for him, but I suppose you draw the line at putting a ring on it."

Alfred said nothing as he carefully unwrapped his arms and brought a sleeve to his face to wipe the salty tracks streaking down. They collected at his chin and the tickling was unbearable. His chest fluttered to not heave for breath and give his pathetic state away.

Arthur kept his eyes on the road and hands on the steering wheel, knuckles white and forearms strained just as much as his voice.

"It hurts to watch," Arthur admitted. "I know I seem callous but, doesn't it prove I care? If I was apathetic, I would have nothing to say."

Alfred carefully took a deep breath, stifled by his jacket sleeve so Arthur wouldn't hear the shaking. His brother was adamant about keeping his eyes on the road, always the responsible driver. Yet he knew Arthur wanted to look him in the eye as he spoke, just to make sure Alfred actually heard what he was saying.

"I know it's hard, believe me," Arthur lamented. "It's hard to do but you really need to allow yourself to have dreams again. I know it's scary to want something knowing you can lose it... but I promise you this isn't something you'll lose. Unless you continue not to act. What kind of message does that send?"

Alfred nodded, even though Arthur couldn't see or hear it. But he couldn't vocalise, not without making a noise that would just sound broken.

It hurt, but his brother was right. Surely it was the old wisdom that came with being old. That's what he'd say to Arthur later, but now, all Alfred could do was think.

He bit into his jacket sleeve, closing his eyes and ignoring the ache from the thick fabric as he tried to mentally hype himself up and allow himself to dream. 

What did Alfred want?

It felt like all that was left of him was embers. Once upon a time, he had the potential to be an inferno. But now?

Maybe he still could be... all he had to do was nurture those embers into a small flicker of a flame then do all he could to protect it from the winds that whipped around him and threatened to flatten him.

But if the silver lining had taught him anything, it was that he didn't have to do it alone.

He really wanted to apologise to Arthur. He knew he needed to, but he also knew it was unnecessary. Because despite everything and anything, Arthur was always going to be there, right by his side, for better or worse.

So with great reluctance, Alfred forced words of gratitude to leave his mouth instead. Even if his voice was raw and his throat choked, he knew that it was okay. Arthur was here for him.

Chapter Text

Long story short, they took a couple of trips to different stores because once Alfred was standing in the store surrounded by shiny jewels, paralysing indecision took hold.

In his defence, Arthur said that he should take his time and consider his options. Because this was a big decision! The decision! Though that went out the window when they walked into the fifth jeweller, and the assistant was giving him a whole spiel about his options and how he could order and design his own ring. Alfred was only half listening because he had heard it over and over all afternoon at other stores and was ready to dismissively say he'd 'think about it' but perked up when he heard a certain word-

baguette.

And just like that, he had a crazy idea and was completely set on it.

Arthur had picked up on his change in demeanour immediately and, without the context of Alfred's thoughts, was fully on board with support. Until Alfred started drawing on the jeweller's sketchpad with a specific reference in mind - that being the baguette cut. 

Arthur threw his hands up and had to restrain himself from commenting because he was eating his words about Alfred being mature. Really, baguette?

His restraint had definitely slipped once he saw the specifics of Alfred's design and the goofy look on his brother's face. 

"What? He'll love it, won't he?" Alfred declared.

Arthur really wished he had talked Alfred out of it. But when his brother had thanked him and admitted that if it weren't for him, Alfred wouldn't have gone through with it, Arthur knew he had to suck it up. Besides... after the ring was designed and actually made, Arthur had to admit, it wasn't that bad. 

Maybe because he hadn't spent his money on it, but regardless.

It... sufficed. That's all Arthur had to say.

It wasn't exactly a traditional engagement ring, which Alfred had been insistent on pointing out and explaining as if Arthur didn't have eyes. Then Alfred went on a tirade about apparently wanting to get another ring as a marriage ring because he had learnt they were two different things and after looking at so many rings, Alfred had become inspired. Arthur thought that was bollocks when just making him get one was like pulling teeth! God forbid his brother find out about promise rings. Otherwise, his materialistic gift-giving tendencies might cover Francis in bling before Alfred even got down on one knee.

Still, he was relieved that Alfred had actually gone through with it after all this time. Arthur had agreed to keep the ring in his room and he sincerely hoped he wasn't going to regret it. But he had a feeling he would and that feeling only got stronger when Alfred came into his room without knocking, sneaking in to get away from Francis just to peek at the ring. Again.

"Take a photo of it, then you won't have to come back," Arthur said, thankful he had already changed into his pyjamas before Alfred had come in. Though, if Alfred had come in earlier, he may have learnt a valuable lesson. But that was optimistic.

"But what if Francis somehow sees? Not that he'd go through my phone but if he did then he'd know and it wouldn't be a surprise! That's not very smart, I can't have any loose ends," Alfred huffed.

"Well, you'll need a photo of it if you want to show it off to your Canadian friend," Arthur sighed. "I'd tell you to just keep your phone on you at all times, but you have an unfortunate habit of forgetting your own brain so-"

"Okay, NUH UH," Alfred hissed as he rifled through Arthur's drawers to find the small leather box. "And I don't need to send him a photo because I've already given him a really really good description!"

"Would you like me to do the same to your drawers!" Arthur hastily put everything back in place while Alfred clutched the ring box. "No- God forbid I do that, who knows what I'll find."

Alfred didn't respond to his teasing. Arthur sighed.

"Alright, what's wrong."

"Nothing... well," Alfred carefully opened the box for the fifteenth time today, staring at the so-called perfect ring. Creative, beautiful, and with sentimental and personal meaning, Alfred just knew it was the one. Arthur couldn't bring himself to rain on his brother's parade.

"I just don't know why doing this was so scary... now everything feels fine and like it'll be easy."

"Well, that's good. Keep moving onwards and upwards and make the best of this clarity. It's time you achieved what you want." Arthur rested a firm hand on Alfred's shoulder. "Keep this inertia going."

"Yeah. I know. I just feel kinda bummed that I had wasted so much time putting this off and... now it's done," Alfred frowned and shut the ring box and just held it. "But I know not to let it get to me."

"Good, I'm proud of you," Arthur rubbed his hand into Alfred's shoulder before dropping it. 

Alfred bit his lip but didn't mention that he didn't feel prepared for the next step at all. He was looking forward to it, a lot, but he didn't even know where to start and he really just needed a breather first because when things moved, it all happened at once, apparently.

But that was okay. He told himself it was okay. Even Arthur said he was proud of him, which now Alfred was going to stretch into his brother saying it was okay to wait because this was going a bit fast.

And Alfred felt like he was already falling behind and falling short because now he needed a proposal idea that was really out of this world ASAP.

"Anyways, thanks for keeping this in your room," Alfred smirked as he shoved the box back into one of Arthur's random drawers and bit back a laugh when Arthur glared and rearranged his clothes. "You're a real one Artie, especially cus y'know... the ring."

Both the design and for who it was for, but Alfred knew that Arthur's pushing and high standards weren't just for Alfred's benefit. At least Alfred knew without a shadow of a doubt that Arthur really cared for Francis. That was a good sign because even if Alfred didn't need his older brother's approval... it was nice. Family mattered to him, more than he ever knew.

Arthur just huffed and puffed in mock offence at being asked to harbour the ring and Alfred made sure to thank him again before skipping out of the room. He wouldn't forget that Arthur had volunteered either.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred had only got the ring a day before Francis' birthday and he really wished he could propose now, but Arthur had forced him to promise not to do it spontaneously. Why did his older brother insist on being so involved?! 

Probably because he didn't have his own partner to fuss over. Ha ha.

Not that Alfred really wanted to spontaneously propose anyway. In fact, he was terrified he accidentally would because whenever he felt slightly stressed or excited, he always made bad, impulse decisions and ran his mouth. He just had a surge of imagination that made him wish he could spontaneously propose and have it live up to any fantasy in his head, but he knew he was nowhere near ready.

But that was okay. Until then, he had Francis' birthday to make special. And that began with breaking into Francis' apartment.

Breaking in was misleading; Alfred had a key. But since his boyfriend wasn't home...

Even though Francis had the day off, the man was even busier than if he had been working because every single one of his friends booked him up for the day and left him with no spare time at all. But that worked to Alfred's benefit, so no complaints there. Even if it meant that he would go the entire day without seeing his beloved, he did insist that Franics hang out with everyone but him... all because Alfred had an ulterior motive.

He felt like a Mafia boss, utilizing his connections whenever he used their mutual friends to keep tabs on Francis' movements during the day. So Alfred had a vague idea of when Francis would return to his apartment, and Alfred would be here... waiting.

Not menacingly, Alfred definitely wasn't some lurking fiend of the night, yet he still hoped Francis jumped in surprise. But first, he had to prepare for the night. With a determined smirk and bag of supplies slung over his broad shoulder, Alfred cracked his knuckles and walked into Francis' kitchen.

⊱֍⊰

Francis did jump in surprise, but that was only because Alfred had stood right in front of the door and yanked it open as Francis started to open it.

Alfred almost doubled over in laughter while Francis laid a hand on his heaving chest and recovered from shock.

"Alfred! Think of my poor neighbours!" Francis chided half heartedly as he stepped into the apartment and shut the door. "You know very well your voice carries obnoxiously!"

"Dude, you're like, never here, it's fine," Alfred said between breaths and engulfed Francis in a hug, burdening his boyfriend with his full weight as the humour stole his strength. "And you're fine."

After a prolonged hug that led to a prolonged kiss, leading to Alfred never recovering his breath, the pair of them wandered into the open living room/kitchen where Alfred announced his surprise with wide arms gesturing around.

"Ta-da! Shit- I mean, voilà!" Alfred grinned, trying his best to catch his breath discreetly so he could continue talking without hindrance. "Happy birthday! You're older than me! Old. Or should I say, vintage~?"

Alfred had set up some fairy lights to hang from the ceiling around a clothed table he'd set up in the centre of the room. On the table was a vase of flowers he'd bought at a farmer's market that morning and bound into a bouquet DIY style. He thought the bouquet looked perfect, considering he had picked white, red and blue flowers which, of course, represented the French flag. The American flag too, but Alfred had tried his best to organise them in the recognisable tri-colour arrangement because today was Francis' birthday and Alfred was here to celebrate him.

(But now he really wanted to try to arrange a bouquet for his birthday and make it look like the American flag, even if that would be challenging. That would have to be an idea for next year.)

Today was about celebrating both Francis and his Frenchiness. Right beside the flowers was a speaker connected to a website Alfred had found that streams any radio station worldwide. So naturally, he picked one from Paris. He had no idea what was being said or what the songs playing were about, but that was irrelevant because it made the atmosphere lively.

And lastly and most importantly, sitting right in front of each seat was a nice warm meal that Alfred cooked. It was ratatouille, and the inspiration for that was obvious. If he didn't find that website, then he would definitely be playing Ratatouille music because it was fantastic.

"Are you surprised?" Alfred had a smirk on his face because he was satisfied with the work he had put in. He could tell from Francis' face that the man was more than happy with the surprise, even if he winced a little at being called old. But that wasn't anything Alfred couldn't make up for. 

"Come along, sir, let me show you to your seat for dihn-air." Alfred pulled out a chair and made a show of pushing Francis in before popping a bottle of champagne. He might have been a little too enthusiastic with that and winced when it hit the ceiling.

"Man, there's no way your neighbours don't hate me," he laughed as he poured the two prepared glasses and sat in the chair opposite.

"I suppose it's for the best you rarely visit me here..." Francis winced before shaking it off for the sake of the special evening and applying his dramatic flair. "Non, does it matter what they think? After all, you know how I feel about you and surely that's all that matters."

"Indeed," Alfred pulled his shoulders back as he sat up and grabbed the glass by the long neck, feeling fanciful. "I'll drink to that. To you."

"Moi?" Francis bashed his lashes. "I'd much rather drink to the two of us."

The song that was playing ended and there was radio chatter that Alfred didn't understand or pay attention to until Francis was chuckling and glancing at the speaker.

"What?"

"It's playing a commercial about a car extended warranty," Francis shook his head, his fair hair catching Alfred's eye as it swayed... The American couldn't help the grin that stretched across his face and made his cheeks hurt.

After some laughter about the radio station killing the mood and Alfred turning it down to be less distracting, they started eating dinner.

"So, what do you think?" Alfred asked right after Francis took the first bite because he was impatient and eager. He was only slightly nervous considering Francis was a professional chef, but Alfred figured that if he was a professional chef, food was food regardless of who cooked it and Francis did like having someone dote on him. Like the princess he was and Alfred was more than happy to take care of him.

"It's delicious," Francis said after a moment with a soft smile, sitting poised and holding his cutlery the 'proper' way as he dined. He was the very epitome of fanciful and Alfred's heart swooned.

Then he dove into a whole assessment of the cooking techniques and presentation. Alfred nodded along with the familiar terminology as he swelled with pride that Francis liked it.

And that was only part one of a special birthday night.

After the ratatouille, Alfred cleared the plates to bring out the birthday cake he made, revealing the excessive amount of candles clustered on top. A conscious choice because just using the number-shaped candles was boring. 

"You make me feel old," Francis sighed once 'Happy Birthday' was sung and all the candles were blown out. 

"Sorry dude, I was trying to be funny because there's just so many and it's funny," Alfred laughed and handed his boyfriend the knife. "Don't touch the bottom or you'll have to kiss me~"

In one clean and precise movement, Francis cleanly cut through the cake right to the bottom with a smug face and eyebrow raised challengingly. He only just had time to put the knife down before Alfred grabbed his face and leaned down for a kiss.

A few moments later found Alfred sitting back in his seat opposite Francis, his tongue discreetly gliding over his lips as the phantom touch lingered. He had a plate in front of him with a considerable-sized slice of cake, one which Francis had served up for him despite his insistence that he 'really didn't need it' to which Francis responded with 'well, Arthur isn't here and I love to indulge you.'

As Francis ate the cake with a little spoon and commented on the texture, Alfred suddenly thought, 'What if I put the ring in there?' He knew others did it because he saw it in movies but he also knew that was a stupid idea! Stupid because it ruined a good piece of cake! And also was a choking hazard! But still... He entertained the thought. 

Francis must've noticed because he gave Alfred a quizzical look. Alfred shook it off and finished eating his slice before cleaning up the table. Now it was time for part three of plan special birthday night. He had done more than just cook. Alfred had also spent his time researching a special skill.

So after part three being a shoulder massage leading into part four, Alfred led Francis into the bathroom to surprise him with a nice warm bath together, topped with a lush and fancy bath bomb that smelled similar to the perfumes and cologne that Francis usually wore. Plus the packaging had said there was a lot of skin benefits and considering how obsessed Francis was with his skin, it only seemed fitting.

Alfred insisted on being over the top and getting Francis comfortable in the bath before sitting behind, cracking his knuckles as he brought his hands to his boyfriend's hair. He would definitely admit out loud that this next part was as much for him as his boyfriend. Sue him, Francis' hair was always so fabulous.

"So, y'know you sometimes plait or braid your hair so it's wavy the next day?" Alfred grabbed a packet of small plastic hair ties he'd left by the bath because he had organised this to a T. "Do you want me to do your hair?"

"You know how to?" Francis turned in surprise. "Did you pick up how to from watching me? I know you just can't keep your eyes off me, but I didn't realise you were so clever~"

"No dude, YouTube has everything so I just googled it," Alfred brought his hands to Francis' locks and started working on lightly massaging. "I mean, don't get me wrong I love watching you do your hair but I'm not an expert or anything so just tell me if it hurts or feels weird."

"I'll tell you now, it already feels great," Francis hummed as he leaned back, enjoying being pampered. "Tonight has been lovely."

"Good! Cus I was really trying."

"It makes me wonder if you have any other surprises for me..." Francis' voice was hopeful and enticing but left Alfred a little confused because the tone was slightly off from their usual romantic banter. There was... something there...

"No, this is it..." Alfred chuckled awkwardly as he tried to think if Francis had actually hinted at having something in mind for his birthday and Alfred just forgot. But his mind went blank.

It didn't help when Francis quickly reassured Alfred that tonight was perfect and he was only wondering... the paranoia only grew. Alfred couldn't help but feel like Francis felt like he had to cover up some disappointment...

He kept thinking about it as his hands worked, threading through locks and weaving them together as he reflexively struck up a conversation he couldn't completely focus on...

Oh.

Alfred's fingers slowed to a stop, trembling slightly.

Francis must've thought he was going to propose...

Alfred made his cold fingers work again as he tied one finished braid. His stomach didn't sit right and he wondered if he had eaten too much. He knew he should've been stricter with having a smaller slice of cake... especially now he was supposed to be a big 25-year-old...

fuck.

Alfred knew he was going to propose one day, someday... soon. But he knew it couldn't be rushed and that he should do it when he was confident...

But he still couldn't help but feel inadequate. He felt like he had let Francis down, and that was a terrible feeling. Was it really too late to excuse himself and race back home just to come back with the ring and make everything right?

Of course it was! That would be so tacky and shitty!

His thoughts ran in circles without really reaching any conclusion and Alfred forced himself to participate in the present once he realised he had braided all of Francis' hair and wasn't even lucid enough to enjoy it.

"You've done a good job," Francis reached to feel his head. "It's not as tight as I would do it, but it definitely suffices and my hair will be nice and wavy tomorrow." Francis leaned back and tilted his head to purr into Alfred's ear. "You certainly are talented with your fingers."

Alfred gave a small chuckle, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend and tried blinking to disengage the thousand-yard stare his eyes were currently equipping for no reason at all because he couldn't stop some stupid pervasive feeling of guilt.

They got out once the bath went cold and Alfred watched as the colourful bath bomb water ran down the drain and formed a water tornado. He couldn't tear his eyes away...

"Are you tired?" Francis touched his face, making him twitch from the light touch. "You must've been busy today, working yourself to the bone, all by yourself..."

"Don't you usually cook all day?" Alfred remarked, but he could hear how tired his voice was. He brushed it off and flexed his muscles anyway. "I think I can handle it, I'm strong."

"That you are~" Francis ran his hand along Alfred's bicep and down his arm before grabbing him by the hand. Alfred followed as Francis led him through the apartment but faltered when he realised his boyfriend was walking him to the door.

"Tonight was a good night," Francis ran a finger under Alfred's chin as they stood face to face, the Frenchman's warm breath fanning over his lips. "It's a shame we must part but I know distance will only make my heart fonder~" 

Francis brought their linked hands to his mouth and pressed a kiss to it with a wink. Alfred inverted the hold and he repeated the same motion out of reflex... but just held Francis' hand to his lips...

There was another part in his plan. One he was less confident to execute but he knew it had to be done. It had slipped his mind until now but there was no putting it off.

"Alfred?" Francis let his boyfriend hold his hand while he let the other one slide over his cheek. "You've gone quit... don't tell me you really exhausted yourself today."

"Can I sleep here tonight?" Alfred replied instead, blurting it like he was ripping a band-aid. "I came prepared, I brought my stuff and... well... yeah. I figured I could..."

He had no explanation. Not one he could form into words anyway. Alfred was going to sleep at his boyfriend's for the first time. It was a big deal but at the same time, it really wasn't. Maybe that was another surprise he had planned for Francis and while it was no ring, he hoped it was a good birthday present. More importantly, it was a step in the right direction. Alfred was evolving. He needed to start getting out of his comfort zone or he'd be complacent, right?

Besides, even if it was a change, at least he knew he'd have Francis right next to him.

"Of course you can, mon cher. You've been holding out on me, haven't you?" Francis' face lit up and he engulfed Alfred in a hug, speaking into his neck. "And you had me believe that there would be no more surprises. This is the perfect end to a wonderful birthday."

⊱֍⊰

The next morning, when he woke up in an unfamiliar bed engulfed by familiar arms, Alfred joked about poor Arthur. It was the first night alone for him too... but maybe his brother was ready for it. After all, Arthur was more adjusted than he was.

Still, Alfred felt a little bad. Especially since he was 50% sure he forgot to update Arthur about his plans to have his first night away from him in years... but he didn't have any panicked notifications from his older brother, so he figured he was okay.

Still, before he drove home from Francis' many hours later, he made sure to stop at a supermarket and buy his brother's favourite tea bags...

⊱֍⊰

lonelymapleleaf
Today How'd Francis' birthday go?
Dude it went so well!
I had so much fun cooking ngl
man maybe I'm just sappy but I can definitly picture married life idk why Ive been sleeping on this
I don't think you'll think about how long once you're married you'll just be glad to be married because you'll just be happy to be married
Okay maybe you will wish you did it sooner but I feel like I'm not explaining myself very well. What I mean was there was some big thing I did in my life that I'm glad I did at all once I realized it was important to me even if I really wish I saw how important is was sooner but at least by doing it I'm living how I wanted to now
Does that make sense?
Yeah I get what you're saying dude ahaha imma keep moving forward like Eren Jaeger
And what I'm hearing is you've got some lore 👀
Do I get to know that lore??
Maybe at another time, right now I want to hear about how it went. Did you actually sleep over?
Yeah I did and we spooned OOOoooohhh
I'm trying to make that sound like the teasing voice because oopooooh how embarrasing
Yeah that is embarrassing ahaha. But it sounds like it wasn't that bad. Why haven't you slept at his before? Haven't you been together for years?
Uhhhh idk how to explain it
Can I just say that it was to save on fuel?
No its because Arthurs just really strict and likes me home
cus he's worried that I'm gonna do something stupid which you've said before is totally valid
Well I guess sleeping over on his birthday isn't a bad first time because I know you wanted to make it special. Also, I think you could argue your case with Arthur pretty easily considering you're 25 now
Which is funnier than 24
Yes. So did everything happen like you said it would?
Yep my plan was executed perfectly 😎
Francis should consider himself rizzed
So you definitely charmed him instead of harassed him?

Anyways ngl I'm kinda feeling the pressure now because yk how I really really want to propose?
I kinda forgot that it needs to be really fucking good dude. I gotta sweep him off his feet and ik I owe him that much
so like no pressure but I have no fucking clue what to do
Just try to ignore the pressure and I'm sure you'll think of something. It doesn't need to be big like what you've seen in the movies, it just needs to be meaningful and thoughtful and specific to him.
Alright I'll keep brainstorming ahaha
🫡
Once you have ideas, you can run them by me if you'd like? I could offer my outside perspective
Dude yes!
But let me have ideas first because uhhhh man
no pressure

Chapter Text

It was a few days later that Alfred was sitting on his bed in home office when Arthur knocked on his door, promptly came in without waiting for a response and crossed his arms in a telltale way that had Alfred internally groaning.

"What." Alfred externally groaned as he pretended to hyper-focus on his laptop so Arthur could pick up that he was working and not just slacking today.

"God forbid I check in on you," Arthur said dryly.

"I can tell you have something to say," Alfred retorted. "So just say it instead of being all-"

Alfred fluttered his hands around in explanation and frustration, egging on Arthur's frustration.

"Fine, if you insist." Arthur put his hands on his hips. "I want to know if you have even the foggiest of ideas how you plan to propose."

Alfred groaned externally, again.

"No dude, I don't. And it's only been a couple of days so why would I? I've been busy with work and dealing with doing all this shit." Alfred didn't know why he felt so warm but he did know he was annoyed. "Are you trying to imply that I'm purposely swamping myself with work so I don't gotta think about proposing? If anything it was an accident and I didn't plan to do this like some kinda workaholic-!"

He knew he was unloading his frustrations as the words flew from his mouth, but he just knew the result was the same. He was putting it off again because he was intimidated but thinking about it brought him a sense of dread-

And so did thinking about committing to therapy! Sometimes, when Alfred thought about all the things he needed to do, he could only come to one conclusion: he was cooked.

He forcefully shut his mouth and quickly backtracked.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry I just really gotta pee so that's why I'm pissy. Did you have to corner me now when I haven't left my room for hours?"

Arthur had a hard, unreadable face as he stepped aside to let Alfred run from the room and lock himself in the bathroom. Alfred quickly shrugged his jacket off and threw it on the counter as he paced the room.

"Bro, I'm cooked, aren't I?"

Relieving himself didn't bring him any real relief as his shoulders still felt tense.

"You're cooked, dude, I dunno what to do," Alfred muttered to the man standing in front of him, hunched over the bathroom sink. 

His reflection didn't reply, of course, and Alfred gave 'him' a look for being so unhelpful. Alfred had a feeling if he stayed in here too long, Arthur would come looking for him, assume something was up and then make things weird.

But he couldn't pull away from staring himself in the eye and glaring.

"What the fuck is wrong with you dude? I mean, sure a therapist could tell you but seriously, don't even think about therapy right now! Because seriously, you wanted to propose so badly a week ago! What's wrong now?!" 

He glared at his reflection, which only got him a hard look in return.

"Is it cus things are fine as they are? I don't wanna change things or I do want to change things but don't actually want things to change?" Alfred ran his hands through his hair and groaned. "I'm just being a complacent coward, aren't I? But come on, I know I should dream of more..."

His reflection gave him a look of grief because clearly, he wasn't capable of doing that. Alfred closed his eyes tightly and when he opened them, he gave the man facing him a look of confidence, flashing his best Hollywood smile.

"Dude, you've got this. Things will definitely stay fine, no matter how they change."

His reflection looked confident, but Alfred could see how forced it was. He awkwardly chuckled.

"Okay, I'll umm, manifest," he said dismissively as he sent himself a finger gun as a parting. "I'm going to go out there and sort this shit out."

He stepped out of the bathroom, taking a breath as he tried to hold onto that bravery.

"I hope you pissed out that sour attitude," Arthur was still standing in Alfred's room home office, clearly not going to let Alfred weasel his way out of doing what's best for himself.

"Sorry dude, I just didn't sleep well last night," Alfred rolled his eyes and flopped down on the bed. "Besides, you just came in here and dropped a heavy subject on me while I was in the middle of something, you know?"

"It's a heavy subject, is it?" 

Alfred sensed he had made a mistake of some kind and chuckled awkwardly.

"I was just joking. Anyways, proposing. I'm going to do it and it's going to be awesome and really good and well thought out-"

"I'd hope so."

"Yeah, me too!" Alfred grumbled. 

"Well, good, I'm happy we're in agreement here," Arthur carefully uncrossed his arms and sat on the bed. "Now tell me, why don't you just ask Antonio or Gilbert?"

"Ask them what?" Alfred chuckled. "To propose for me? Uhh, I get that you're kinda bitchless- not that that's a bad thing!" Alfred really didn't want to make Arthur feel bad about something like that. "But uh, the whole idea is that I'm the one who's gonna propose."

Arthur just recrossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, making a point of not speaking. Alfred laughed awkwardly as he realised his assumption. So he was a little overworked, sue him! He had a wedding to save up for... at some point!

"Okay, well, I can't ask them for ideas because then it won't be a surprise? And Francis wants it to be a surprise."

"What..." Arthur just sighed and shook his head. "How in the- why would they tell Francis?"

"Well, if they ask him then-"

"They're not going to ask him anything!" Arthur exclaimed, pressing his fingers against his eyes. "Ugh, my point was that being close friends, we could ask them and it won't get back to Francis because being so close, they would already know the answer!"

"Oh... right, duh."

"I really want to insult your intelligence right now." 

"Hey!"

"Just finish your work and perhaps consider not taking anything on for a while. I think giving yourself a break would be a wonderful idea and it'll give you nothing better to do than plan the perfect proposal, won't it?"

Alfred was now a mature 25-year-old and deep down he knew being argumentative was just counterproductive. But, Arthur was still his brother and Alfred really didn't want to give him a response. So instead, he just huffed exaggeratedly and that was the end of it for now.

⊱֍⊰

Once his eyes were starting to go askew, Alfred figured he deserved a break from his laptop screen and shut the device before tossing it to the side. Then he laid back on his bed, stretched, and reached for his phone.

He knew his Canadian friend was available today and should have a reasonably fast reply time.

lonelymapleleaf
Today Dude do you reckon we're gonna get cataracts or something before we're elderly because we're always on screens?
we being our entire cooked generation lmao
I don't wanna go blind
blindER
You're not going to go blind, just do eye exercises every now and then and you should be fine eh? Besides I think cataracts are easily fixed now
Thank God we live in this day and age huh
Arthur used to always tell me not to stare at screens but now look at him
I don't think you should live in fear about something bad happening to your eyes but you should definitely look after them.

If you want some lore, I can tell you about my eyes going lighter
Going lighter???
Wait do eyes change color?? is that normal
Yeah eye colour can change when we age or if something happens to them. My eyes started losing melanin so they got lighter. They started as blue like yours but now they're more of a lilac
Dude that's fucking sick
And scary, you good??
Yeah I'm fine with it, it is what it is and I can see as well as I did before. It's just a freak thing but it's luckily mostly cosmetic
That is so fucking cool!
I've never seen purple eyes before
Lilac is purple right? don't tell me to Google it ahaha
I have seen red though! Did I tell you Gils an albino? He's a fucking freak but I love him ahaha
I have seen red eyes before, they do look pretty cool and it's also because they lack melanin so the blood vessles are more prominant
I'm gonna tell Gil he's a lacker lol
ANYWAYS pretty please let me see your eyes! you cant just say that then not show me
Maybe not right now, sorry
Hey that's okay, I guess you know about stranger danger then ahaha
I get that just because I'm comfortable being all over the internet it doesn't mean that other people are
Yeah, I just don't really like being perceived so it's not you, it's me okay?
Okay thank God ahaha you'd tell me if I said something weird wouldn't you??
But still, we're friends aren't we? I'm not gonna bag you because that would be shitty so don't think of me like that. I'm a chill guy

I hope you know I'd never describe you that way. You're way too energetic to be chill
DUDE
fine, youre the chill one
I guess I can just google what purple eyes look like then
Another benefit of living in this day and age eh
lmao tell me about it I would HATE to be born in a time where I couldn't enjoy the memes of today
anyways ill drop it if you want me too but is the eye thing or not wanting to be perceived thing got something to do with your secret lore?
Partially? I won't go into it now but I guess it's either a part of it or a symptom.
Yeah no drama dude, id be an asshole to push for it
even if I am really curious ahaha 🙏
okay I'm just being a pest, or a nat as Arthur calls me 😈
Arties not talking to me rn because I said that he should make a marriage contract with one of our friends or he's gonna die alone
which isn't true because I'll always there
(threatening) 🥰

When the conversation fizzled out and Alfred figured he needed to get back to work, there was only one thing he thought to do before putting the phone down.

As he texted both Gilbert and Antonio, he couldn't help but think about his own lore and how he really understood where lonelymapleleaf was coming from. After all, Alfred wouldn't even know where to begin telling someone his own lore who wasn't already in the know.

And he didn't even want to know how many things about him were symptoms of it and he didn't know.

⊱֍⊰

Why hadn't he thought about asking Francis' friends sooner? Especially when they were his friends too! Seriously, Alfred wanted to slap himself. He assumed that the reason was something something, intimidating, something something, his brain just freezing over because he's cooked. 

It was probably the pressure he put on himself.

Either way, he tried not to think about what he could've done differently, especially when he still could make choices now. And oh boy, did he intend to make choices.

"So, I bet you're wondering why I called this very important meeting," Alfred threaded his fingers together on the table as he bit back a smile. "Especially at such a... top secret location."

Gilbert's face was serious, but it was obvious how he could barely keep himself together when he reached for his drink without breaking eye contact and slurped obnoxiously. Alfred's lips turned up as he fought to keep the facade up, picturing all the scenes from his favourite movies and how this could only be satire.

"I have a matter of great importance to discuss."

"You picked a perfect location for it, amigo," Antonio didn't catch on that they were trying to be ironic and mysterious, instead sitting there with his usual bright smile. "When I think of business, I think of McDonald's."

"I was getting to that," Alfred gave up on trying to be mock-serious and couldn't hold back a toothy grin. "We're here because this is the last place Francis would ever look for us! As if he'd ever come to Micky D's. He goes on and on about how oil and grease are bad for his skin and he doesn't want to lose his youth because of hamburger or whatever."

Antonio pulled a face of understanding and agreement on Francis' behalf. Alfred laughed again. He couldn't help it, he was buzzing with nervous energy and that translated to being sociable and humorous.

"Doesn't Francis have your location anyways?" Gilbert said in a 'gotcha' tone but Alfred just smirked and hauled his work bag onto the table.

"I left it at home because that's where all my work stuff is right now. What's in the bag is solely on a need-to-know basis... a NTK? I'm sure there's an abbreviation for that, I just can't think of it right now."

Alfred opened the bag and took out a new notebook he had bought just for this occasion. Gilbert snorted when he saw it.

"It's thematic, okay!" Alfred pretended to get defensive, but he thought the same thing when he saw it on the shelf. "Besides, my phone's at home so it's not like I can use my notes app! Geez."

"I think it's sweet," Antonio said reassuringly with a squint in his eyes from a restrained smile, clearly finding amusement and endearment in Alfred's simping.

Alfred huffed exaggeratedly as he put down the notebook... the France-themed notebook and tapped his pen on top of it. Francis was working and under the impression that the three of them were filming. Sure, if "filming videos" meant brainstorming the perfect surprise proposal.

"So anyways," Alfred tried not to feel embarrassed as he got the conversation back on track... He needed help with planning, but there was also something else that he couldn't not share.

"Did I show you guys that I got a ring now?"

Antonio and Gilbert spoke so quickly that their voices overlapped and Alfred could only pick out a few words of their rushed exclamations of surprise and enthusiasm. He only thought maybe they should've sat outside the 'restaurant' after heads turned towards their group and Alfred realised that his friend's exclamations of excitement had been loud.

"This is top secret, so obviously don't tell anyone! No witnesses! No leaks! We gotta talk hush so no one else can report back," Alfred glanced around the McDining room with paranoid eyes. "And definitely don't tell Francis."

One pinky promise later, Alfred felt confident in the secrecy of brotherhood and couldn't hold back a smirk that commanded attention. He slowly reached for his work bag and slipped his hand inside.

"Did you really bring it with you?" Antonio leaned forward in anticipation, clearly expecting to see a small box.

"Dude, McFuck no," Alfred laughed. "That's too risky- but you'll never guess where I've hidden it! Hold on, you can guess after I show you this-"

He pulled out a print the jeweller gave him when he got the ring, purposely hiding it from his friend's curious and eager view.

"So, first of all, I got to design the ring on this tablet thing and I think I did an awesome job, and they printed it for me so here it is!"

Alfred slipped it over, knowing that his goofy proud smile was ruining his best Patrick Bateman impression.

Once he was back home, he was going to hide it where it belonged - in the chronicle journal along with all his other letters to Matthew. That way it was like he was still being included because, in another universe, he was showing off the ring to his twin too.

A completely foreign and incomprehensible thought, but he liked the sentiment.

Naturally, his friends validated his ring design and reinforced that Francis would definitely love it, which Alfred already knew but damn did it feel good to hear. They spent the next few hours vigorously brainstorming and scribbling down notes as they discussed any and all possible and impossible ideas. Even if most of the ideas were too grandiose to be feasible, Alfred was thrilled just to have the discussion and make a plan!

It wasn't until Antonio's phone rang that Alfred realised just how much time had slipped by.

"It's Arthur," Antonio brought the phone to his ear before anyone could say anything. "¿Hola?"

Alfred only remembered he was a mature 25-year-old after he made fart noises. But in his defence, Gilbert was doing worse! Gilbert leaned right against Antonio while making the most lewd sounds he could as he recited phrases without the decency of using double meaning, leaving nothing to the imagination. No doubt Arthur was turning red and cursing about how all of Alfred's and Francis' friends are perverts.

Antonio didn't even blink at the antics and kept chatting with Arthur as if nothing was putting him off, only taking the phone away to give an update.

"Francis is waiting for you and Arthur says he can't stall any longer. I think he's really annoyed you left your phone at home," Antonio chuckled.

"Man, Arthur's always annoyed at me, what's new," Alfred said casually while hastily packing his bag. "He got annoyed at me cus I told him he should get with someone just for the sake of not being alone just in case he never finds someone. Can't he see I'm just tryin' to look after him by making someone else look after him?!"

"He wants to know what to tell Francis," Antonio added and Gilbert made 'ooooh' sounds as if Alfred was in trouble. Which he could be if Francis knew where he was!

"Can't he just make up an excuse for me? Fuck- looks like I'm gonna have to say I got a craving for fast food or something..." Alfred laughed weakly.

All that got was another teasing noise from Gilbert.

"You know I can snitch on you too, right?" Alfred scoffed as he slung his bag and jumped up.

"First of all, snitching is unawesome," Gilbert smirked and leaned back, "and second, how are you gonna prove I was here? You don't have your phone."

Alfred just pulled a face at him and gave him the finger while Antonio put his phone back in his pocket.

"Arthur said he's going to try his best to convince Francis that we're still filming and entertain him until you get home..." Antonio's wide smile never fell. Alfred huffed and rolled his eyes.

"Alright, meeting adjourned, I guess, we'll circle back to this."

"Fuck yeah we will," Gilbert cackled as he gathered the McRubbish and dunked it in the bin as they left. "Don't you worry, we have got your back!"

To emphasise, Antonio gave Alfred a firm pat on the shoulder as they loaded up in the car. Even if he was kicked to the backseat, Alfred found he didn't mind much, not when his cheeks hurt from smiling. Damn, did he love his friends and there was a growing confidence inside him that couldn't be shaken.

⊱֍⊰

In the end, Alfred 'admitted' to the impulsive McDonald's trip as if that was the only thing he had to hide. He got ragged on for it but at least Francis bought it while being none the wiser.

"I know, I know," Alfred batted Francis' hands away which had previously been smacking his arm with the constant reminder of how fast food could not be defined as food. "I'm aging and I gotta look after my figure now. Otherwise, I won't age like wine just like you~"

"Oh, your figure certainly isn't a problem, mon amour," Francis cracked a sly smile as he ran his hand down Alfred's chest and slipped his fingers under his boyfriend's shirt to brush over his abdomen.

Alfred remembered they were standing in the living room, right in view of the kitchen, when he heard a familiar, indignified voice.

"You were leaving now, weren't you?" Arthur's voice was incredulous and almost begging. Alfred couldn't help but chortle.

"Yeah, lemme just grab my stuff and then we'll leave before you throw up and waste all that fancy tea."

He held his workbag close as he dashed to his room and locked the door. Alfred hadn't exactly forgotten he was going to sleep at Francis' tonight, but somehow it had still slipped his mind to pack a bag. He put his stuff together quickly and shoved everything necessary inside his work multipurpose bag of convenience before carefully taking the journal and ring picture out.

Alfred slid the proposal idea journal onto his shelf, smirking at his genius because the book looked just like any other. His smile turned more wistful as he pulled the new chronicles of letters journal from the shelf and opened it to the bookmarked page.

The bookmark was just a note with a running list of all the things he'd add to his next letter - whenever he found the time to sit down and pump them all out. That had been his method for a while, taking notes and writing a letter about a period... nothing like how he used to do it.

Alfred was reminded how he hadn't written a letter since the last postcard... something inside him was just stopping him.

Just like going to a therapist.

Alfred tucked the ring picture in with the list and was about to put the book back when he thought of something.

Alfred quickly took a photo of the ring printout. He figured it was worth the risk of having it on his phone because realistically, his camera roll was 80% memes and Francis wouldn't want to dig through that. Not when he found Alfred's sense of humour a little simple at times. At least now he could show it to lonelymapleleaf, even if he gushed about it enough that the photographer should know what it looks like without a picture.

Someone rapped on the door. Alfred almost dropped his phone and stuffed it in his pocket as he hastily shoved the notebook back in place.

"I was changing," Alfred quickly said as he opened the door, "I was in my underwear and that's why it was locked."

Francis stood there, giving him a look and Alfred knew he was acting suspicious. He couldn't help it.

"I didn't know it was locked," Francis stated and Alfred let out an anxious laugh that did not help his case. Luckily, Francis didn't call him out on it, instead running a finger over the lapel of his jacket. "Well, I suppose that's because you're playing hard to get?"

"Man, I don't know how you can flirt all the time," Alfred rolled his eyes and grabbed his bag. "Do you ever have mental blanks or anything?"

"What can I say, you just inspire me," Francis winked and reached to grab the bag for Alfred, which he firmly fought him on and hiked it further on his shoulder.

"Come on, I'm not that special," Alfred rolled his eyes, about to insist that between the two of them, Francis was far more exceptional, but the Frenchman was having none of that.

"Non, I beg to differ~"

"Can you two fucking leave?" Arthur interrupted, arms crossed and scowling. It made Alfred jump at the ferocity of it.

"Yep, we're going just now," Alfred grabbed Francis and pulled him from the house, the pair of them silent as they scurried outside.

Alfred didn't speak again until he pinched Francis' keys and threw himself in the driver's seat. Francis just let it happen and sat in the passenger seat, like the princess he is. 

Alfred didn't think to point that out, not when he had something more pressing on his mind and cleared his throat, catching his boyfriend's attention. Francis was as poised and refined as ever, truly a work of Renaissance art, but Alfred could still see the restraint on his face. Time to discuss what the hell Arthur had up his ass.

A regular topic between the two of them.

Alfred knew that Arthur hadn't been in the best mood, even before he left to 'film'. His heart almost stopped when Francis said that Arthur had been acting strange while they were waiting for Alfred to show up but luckily his boyfriend just brushed it off as Arthur feeling shitty and having a bad day.

That, or Arthur had been looking forward to having the house to himself now that Alfred had established a routine of sleeping at Francis' once a week. It was a manageable, exciting good step in Alfred's mind, but he wondered if Arthur thought it was long overdue for both their sakes. Maybe now, Arthur was craving those moments without Alfred's suffocating presence for his own growth and learning how to let go. Because one day, Alfred wouldn't be in that house to hear the sound of a kettle clicking every morning... well, all day long. Alfred wondered if Arthur's organs were tea-stained yet.

In the end, Alfred suggested they give Arthur a pass because he knew what it was like to have a bad day. But that didn't stop him from thinking about it even when the conversation had passed. Because once he thought about it, Alfred noticed he didn't really see a wide range of emotions in his brother. Either Arthur was fine, slightly annoyed, or pissed off. Maybe he didn't know how else to be and was complacent?

All of Alfred's thoughts led him back to the real next step he knew he had to take. Getting a therapist. It wasn't just himself that would benefit from it.

Because if he started to look inward and work on himself, what excuse would Arthur have? Alfred knew he could weaponise it easily. The pressure of watching his younger sibling get better would at least make Arthur do it out of spite.

Alfred knew it was inevitable and he was as ready as he'd ever be. He preached about mental health so much... it would make him a hypocrite to not practice what he preached. Tomorrow, he could take that step and start up another battle against complacency.

So with his mind made up, he parked the car and put on his best and brightest Hollywood smile. He gestured for Francis to stay seated so Alfred could put on a show of opening the car door for him and take his hand. He was intent on enjoying this night before he went off to the war of self-improvement. 

⊱֍⊰

Alfred lay awake at night, mentally citing the excuse of 'foreign bed' as he clutched his phone and enjoyed the privilege of being the little spoon. When morning came he was 100% going to invert their positions and have his turn as the big spoon because damn did it feel good to hold someone tight, but for now, he was content opening up his chat with a certain Canadian. 

lonelymapleleaf
Today Hey I can't sleep.
What are you working on?
Just sifting through all the photos Ive been taking while I'm in the arctic circle. It's still bright outside, it's pretty cool and I find it really inspirational
oh so you actually went! that sounds hella cool man!!
omg can I see the pictures
may I preview??
You'll see them when I post them soon enough
Nawww I can't have spoilers 🥲
Thats alright i cant wait to see them dude
How long did it take to get there?? Did you end up driving??
A couple of days of driving. Canada has a lot of wilderness so I had to take a physical book map because a lot of roads aren't online and I've only just got signal because I'm near a town but it's been a really nice trip. I drove because I really like driving and I've got so many photos of the trip that I'll be sifting through them for years lol. But I have some contenders for next year's Canada day competition
dude that's so fucking cool. like the expeditions ye olde people used to do
in an alternative universe if you were American I bet you'd take the best 4th of July photos!
Wait that means you drove for DAYS?! how is your ass not sore dude
I took breaks, which gave me a lot of opportunities to take photos and see the country. It's definitely a unique experience and anyone who works a 9 to 5 doesn't know what they're missing out on. If I ever visit America I'll definitely take photos and yes they'll be just as beautiful as the ones I take in Canada.
Fuck yeah now Ive gotta convince you to come visit
Also in theory I could work anywhere that has an internet connection
I don't think I'd want to go to timbuktu tho
Especially if its fucking cold
Yeah, it isn't for everyone. But I like what I do. Also, I don't mind the cold much, since I can always put on more layers and when it's cold being warm is so much nicer. I like to imagine my warm bed is what it's like to be hugged
Anyway, is there anything new with you?
Uhhhh you should be proud of me! I'm fighting complacency!
Good! I'm glad you're trying to better yourself. What are you doing?
Yep! Trying
I'm brainstorming proposal ideas with my bros so lmk if you have any additional ideas to add to my list. the more the merrier
Okay, I'll give it a think but I doubt I'll come up with anything as exciting as what you've already thought of
Actually, have you considered learning a bit of French so you could ask him the question in French?
DUDE FUCKING NO!?
YES THATS FUCKING GENIUS
im stealing that, thanks so much dude
Glad I could help :)
I actually speak French so if you want some ideas on what to say, I could tell you and how to pronounce it?
fuck yes dude im so taking you up on that!!
also how the fuck do you speak french??? That's so random and also surprising
well not surprising but I mean what a coincidence
I think you should do some research into French Canada
French is a national language of Canada
fuck i just remembered have a look at this!

Wow, I really beautiful! I know he'll love it. I do find it a bit funny though, just because it's just like you to design something like that
Is that really Kilroy? Somehow I'm not surprised and this is why I'd never describe you as chill.
Thanks! and YES FINALY SOMEONE KNOWS KILROY i loved him as a kid
Okay I also had another idea that's sort of related to the whole proposal thing and maybe im just getting ahead of myself but now im thinking about things i cant help it
anyways ill just ask because the worst you can say is no ahaha
I'll listen, don't worry. I'm curious now so you need to tell me. I doubt it'll be that bad.
Do you wanna come to the wedding?
Or ig you can come virtually since you don't want to leave the second best country in the world
I mean 3rd!
cus the order is obviously America, France, THEN Canada, rahhhh wtf is a kilometer 🇺🇸🔥🇺🇸🔥🇺🇸🔥
england is dead last fuk you arthur (im kidding i love him he's gonna be my best man)
(Since there's literally no one else to be my best man smh)
I'd love to
I wouldn't want to miss out.
Fuck yeah obviously we can discuss how that's gonna work when I actally plan something and actually propose first but fuck yeah
I can facetime you on a tablet and sit that tablet on a chair and everything ahaha it'll be just like you're here lol
I could stick a bowtie on the tablet too ahaha itll be funny trust
That sounds like a good idea but I do think you're getting ahead of yourself. There's still so much that needs to happen before a wedding so how about you do everything in the right order and propose first?
Oh don't worry, that proposal is happening ASAP I'm done with waiting. I'm all in
Good. No matter what, just make sure you focus on what really matters. Also, I've been thinking about what you said and I promise you'll see what I look like one day.
When I feel ready
Damn, okay so we're both doing things to fight to be better
No worries dude i look forward to it so much!!

Eventually, Alfred couldn't force his eyes open any longer so he wrapped the conversation up and let his phone fall from his hand. Closing his eyes brought sweet relief and drifting off was too tempting to resist.

Chapter Text

lonelymapleleaf
Today July 28 Your birthday is exactly one month away today dude
got any plans?
Not really, I don't really celebrate it anymore
dude why the hell not?
Don't tell me you're too old!
Or is a lore thing?
No it's not really anything sensitive, I just don't really think it's anything special.
Well, it is. What I mean is I would celebrate it and I was celebrating it alone but I guess it just got underwhelming? I don't feel the need. It really is just another day
Okay well I hear you and UMM ACKTUALLY it's not just another day dude
Let yourself have some fun!
It really is just another day and if I have fun on other days, does it really matter?
Dude YES
This has to change, just let me bounce ideas around
I'm a firm believer that everyone should celebrate their birthday
I'm not exactly not celebrating my birthday, it's just hard to plan something when I keep myself so busy and I have plans for the rest of summer
personally I had some issues with my birthday in the past but that's a story for another time but the point is that I've got some skin in the game of making people enjoy their birthdays
okay I get that dude but maybe just do something small then
I forgor you don't have many friends womp womp
Exactly, so planning something isn't really practical when it would be just me and no one else celebrating. That would just make me feel upset and have the opposite effect of what you're trying to do
Literally no one else??
Dude, don't tell me Im gonna be the only one wishing you happy birthday!
I do have one friend actually, but he lives overseas. And there's my mentor too. They'll both send me a text so don't worry about me being forgotten, but the sentiment is appreciated
Okay good!
but still, i'm gonna make you do something on your birthday even if its small
you gotta treat yourself

Eventually, Alfred shoehorned his resistant friend into agreeing to at least indulge in buying himself a cake, the Canadian oblivious to Alfred already looking up USD to CAD and smirking when he saw the conversion rate. He really did live in the best country in the world! 

Don't think of that one Family Guy clip where Peter starts listing stuff-

⊱֍⊰

Therapy... wasn't that bad. In fact, it was nothing like he expected. In a good way!

It wasn't exactly like the movies. There wasn't one of those couches that the patient lay down on while sitting with their hands on their abdomen as they went on about how their absent father was the cause of everything. He wasn't shown weird pictures of ink splatters that could pass for modern "art" and be sold for millions in a tax evasion scam. His therapist didn't even have a clipboard, or glasses, or a white coat and stern face.

In fact, his therapist had a big smile as he revealed that they had gone to the same high school together and Alfred felt stupid for needing that to realise why this guy's face was so familiar. But to be fair, Alfred didn't really cross paths with Tino during that time. Especially when the Finn had stuck to his own friend group that Alfred didn't have much to do with.

Still, small world. Therapy didn't seem so intimidating once he was sitting in front of someone he knew.

Someone who had known Matthew too... when Tino asked about how his brother was doing, Alfred just fumbled and replied "Oh fine" before changing the subject to his other brother and complaining about Arthur.

He felt a spike of frustration towards himself for freezing up when Matthew was mentioned, but he figured he could always backtrack without being judged because he was in therapy. He just got put on the spot, that's why he fumbled. Once he had a few sessions and felt prepared to talk... then he could bring up his brother. It might even help that Tino had known Matthew but Alfred didn't want to linger on the thought until he was confronting it.

So the first session turned into a big catch up where they bonded over talking about the happenings since high school and the mutual people they knew. Alfred may have squirmed a little when Tino revealed he got married since, but that was just shoved down to be dealt with later. At least he was in the right place for it.

Still, he was happy for him. Despite the bittersweet feeling of his own conflict, seeing someone achieve what he wanted with ease and was now thriving brought him hope.

The therapy itself was just really chill. Alfred went there and it was really underwhelming when compared to everything he had anticipated. Which seemed like a trend for everything he had been facing lately and it left him wondering why he didn't do it sooner.

He just went there and yapped about whatever he liked. All Tino did was just nod along and vibe-check what he said, making him think about it in a big-brained way that recontextualised everything. Making him feel like he had more options going forward than he knew and that he had fundamentally misunderstood things as they had happened in the past.

It was good and now that he had taken the first napkin, everyone else would follow. That was the metaphor he had described to Tino which led him to explain it was a Jojo's reference. At least Tino had a good sense of humour before giving good insight into how he was shouldering the burden of others while trying to lead a horse to water.

That made for an uncomfortably confronting session.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting to inspire people and help better them, but you shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself to do things with the hope that they'll copy," Tino didn't even have a clipboard, he was just rambling off the top of his head. "I feel like you sacrifice yourself a lot to try and ease others' loads. And you know I'm not talking about favours... Which isn't necessarily problematic from time to time but how often do you do things for yourself? Why do you do things for others, but never yourself?"

So that's great. He felt like he left the therapist's office naked and while he knew he was better off for it, he didn't really feel it. At least he knew that even if going to therapy didn't make others go, it wasn't all for nothing. After all, he'd be sitting on the best beanbag he's ever sat in while working on himself for himself. Like putting on his own oxygen mask before others sort of stuff, which only would validate Arthur... if Alfred told him. Which he wouldn't.

Alfred had been going twice a week and only had a handful of sessions so far but considering the speed at which he talked, he felt like he got a lot out already. Plus when there were no massive consequences from yapping, his confidence only grew. At first he thought two sessions a week was overkill but at least with it being so confronting and intensive... hopefully he'd make up for lost time and make a quicker turnaround. Tino had already quickly informed him that his goal of becoming perfect before marriage was unrealistic and another example of him putting pressure on himself... but uhhhh pressure schmessure.

Then Tino tied that in with Alfred's apparent inability to forgive himself and uh... well, apparently the discomfort he felt at these kinds of confrontations was good and he had to learn to grow past it. No pain no gain right? Whenever he does push-ups and his muscles hurt, the pain felt like growth and progress. Hopefully, it really was comparable to what he endured in therapy and it was an exercise for his ...  Alfred wanted to say brain, but more often than not he left the session with a gaping hole in his chest and he didn't know what to make of that.

Again, that was something else he wasn't going to tell others. Especially Arthur. His older brother somehow seemed surprised when Alfred told him he was going to therapy as if that had come out of nowhere. Then when he mentioned that to Tino, he was dissected on the spot.

Something something, afraid of communication, something something, fear of failure, something self-doubt, not wanting to let others down or get judged by them, all that good stuff. Fucking damn it.

When he told Arthur about going to therapy his brother didn't have too much to say, but definitely had a lot to question. It was annoying and it felt like a chore to regurgitate every little detail because he didn't like being interrogated, but then when Tino recontextualised it Alfred realised that maybe everything was going exactly how he hoped.

His wise therapist had a lot to say about Arthur, which Alfred very thoughtfully did not repeat... if only because he didn't want to scare his brother away from therapy because Arthur had a habit of becoming defensive and intellectualising. So when Tino said that and followed up with suggesting Arthur confront his problems in a professional environment as opposed to his younger brother pointing out what he likely already knew...

Well, Alfred figured he'd give Arthur a pass on the sibling harassment for the sake of the greater good.

Alfred also made sure to tell each and every one of his friends about his new journey of enlightenment. He told them it was so they could keep him accountable, but he had only told them after he had a couple of sessions already. He didn't know what he expected when it came to telling them... not that he was implying that he was expecting anything negative! But it reassured him that pretty much everyone had reacted supportively.

One exception was Lovino, but Alfred found he wasn't too surprised that his friend reacted like he was uncomfortable. Regardless, Alfred really did try to spin it as positively as possible without really pushing it in Lovino's face because even if he really wanted to keep talking about it and how great it was until his 'hints' were just neon signs, he knew he had to let the cards fall as they may. Tino insisted it wasn't Alfred's job. It was just a shame that Lovino's was full of criticism, but at least Alfred could counter with his positive experience.

Antonio suffocated Alfred in a big hug when he found out, then later swung by to give him and Arthur some kind of cheesecake called a 'flan'. Alfred wouldn't admit to anyone that he really bought the excuse of 'just because' until Arthur pointed out that it happened on the same day he announced he was in therapy. Alfred also wouldn't admit to mentally blanking on how Arthur knew about Antonio begging for Alfred to get therapy, before remembering that the two of them were friends and Antonio verbalised anything and everything that crossed his mind.

Those two got along because they were both older brothers and sometimes it made Alfred a little paranoid that he was being discussed... a huge possibility.

Well, it wasn't like he didn't do the same with Francis.

Another exception was Gilbert. In his defence, he didn't really react negatively to the therapy announcement but Alfred was still left feeling disappointed. Instead of having an actual discussion, Gilbert just kept cracking jokes. It was funny, Alfred laughed along and goofed around... at first. Then he noticed that Gilbert just didn't want to talk about it seriously, forcing him to let it slide because there wasn't anything he could really do about it and Alfred couldn't make other people act how he wanted to.

At least Francis was proud of him. 

⊱֍⊰

Tonight's romantic evening started with Francis insisting that they cook burgers and Alfred wasn't going to say no to that! Nor was he going to pass up an opportunity to jump into the role of the typical American guy who manned the BBQ and flipped the patties with a beer in hand. He had even talked Francis into having a beer with him, despite his boyfriend having other preferences.

"Dude you opened it, you have to drink all of it," Alfred teased as the patties sizzled and their juicy scent wafted through Francis' kitchen. 

"I suppose we all have to go through challenges," Francis sighed and drank the beer, hardly hiding his disdain and making Alfred chuckle guiltily.

"Okay! I was just being dramatic, if you don't want it that's more for me."

Alfred laughed louder when Francis immediately set the beer near him before pulling a wine bottle from the fridge, a little baguette charm dangling from the neck and clacking against the glass as Francis poured himself a drink of 'refined taste'.

Alfred rolled his eyes but still made a point of tapping his bottle against Francis' glass all the same.

"To your progress~" Francis winked and sipped on his drink, exaggeratedly sighing in contentment at drinking something 'better'.

"Dude, you're so fucking dramatic," Alfred shook his head.

"Oh? You're one to talk," Francis raised an eyebrow as his gaze swept over the American and the borrowed apron that read Bon appétit. Naturally, Francis had already pointed out how the model wearing his clothes was extremely appetising. "But you exaggerate. I'm not dramatic about everything."

"Lemme guess, like your love for me?" Alfred batted his eyelashes and grinned toothily, almost satirical.

"Oui, and not just that..." Francis leaned on the counter, eyes drawn to the motion of the liquid as he swished his glass about thoughtfully. "I really am proud..."

"You don't sound it," Alfred chuckled nervously as he stood up straighter. "Dude, don't tell me you need therapy too?"

"I don't think I need it, but maybe I could benefit from it. It might make me more mindful, perhaps." Francis sipped at his wine. "I just can't help but think of our friends..."

Alfred nodded with a frown as he thought about their friends.

"At least I wasn't doing too bad without it! Not to brag or anything but my therapist said that my idea about writing letters was a really good outlet! And that mourning Matthew is a good idea even if pouring one out is kinda dramatic," Alfred tapped the side of his head. "See? I'm smart!"

Francis didn't respond beyond a positive hum. 

"Guess that makes up both dramatic," Alfred bumped his shoulder into Francis' to try and cheer him up. "We're meant for each other babe~"

"I just feel sad for Gilbert," Francis murmured, rhythmically rolling his glass in his hand. "He won't take himself seriously. He laughs every time I tell him he has a problem..."

"Yeah! I know! He can't see he's fucked up because clearly he thinks he's fine!" Alfred pushed the patty down with frustration. "Maybe that's why he thinks therapy's stupid, because he thinks he doesn't need it and we're all just reading in too much. And that'd be crazy. Crazy? I was crazy once."

Francis chuckled before taking a deep breath.

"It's not just Gilbert... I feel sad for Antonio too. He worries so much about his brothers and I worry he's exerting himself out of fear."

"Brothers or brother?" Alfred asked knowingly.

"I worry for Lovino too. If he's Antonio's brother, he's my brother," Francis smirked, knowing how the sentiment pissed the Italian off. "Still, I wish Antonio didn't worry about the worst..."

"Yeah, that's something he should go for therapy for instead of trying to push me."

"Well, I'm glad he pushed you," Francis ran a hand down Alfred's side as he leaned against him to watch him grill. "But I do agree. I think he's a lot like you in a way, always looking out for other people..."

"Yeah, and if he wanted Lovi to go to therapy couldn't he just go himself and then tell Lovi about it? Why did I need to do it?"

"Would you have started going to therapy if Arthur went first?"

Alfred bit back a laugh that would've confirmed the worst. 

"Okay, realistically, I would've just told him it was 'about time because he needed it', but I'm sure I would've come around eventually! Because if Arthur started, I don't know, acting better and less how he usually is, I would've noticed!"

"I hope he sees how it benefits you..." Francis whispered. "Because I am concerned for him."

"Really?" Alfred looked away from the patties, searching for more details as his stomach churned. "It's that bad? You think he's fucked up?"

"Well, I notice because of course I care. He's like a brother to me... and I think that he's going be stuck in the past and bottle everything completely if you move on. Don't you remember what he told you that night at Toni and Gil's party? He's just as scared as you are..."

"Yeah..." Alfred grimaced as he thought about that night and the time he spent with Arthur's drunken rambles in the basement. "But it's not like I'm really going to leave him!"

"No, and he knows that." Francis sighed, a constipated look on his face. "But I doubt it stops him from being consumed by the feeling..."

Alfred nodded, his previous mood dampened despite the promising smell of burgers. Francis must've picked up on this because suddenly he was kissing Alfred's cheek and turning on some music from Alfred's phone.

"But let's put that aside for one night. Tonight we must celebrate and all that matters right now is each other~"

Alfred nodded again. He didn't like thinking about the hopelessness of their group's situation and sometimes he grieved for all the pain they had yet to go through because the more he aged, the more he realised that life was just a collection of hurt. But that was okay, because no pain, no gain. He was just trying to claw his way out of this hole that had swallowed such a large part of his life and robbed him. At least with therapy, he was aware of it now, and with intention, he could work on growing bigger than it. Growing past it completely. Finally starting a life of his own instead of just being a spectator in the passenger princess seat. 

So Alfred focused on what he could do, right now, in this moment. It was a warm July night and the sun was casting an orange glow through the wide kitchen window, overlooking the neighbourhood. The sound of patties sizzling combined with the music of his 'all-American' playlist brought him a sense of peace and pride. He couldn't help but glance fondly over at Francis, who was preparing the salad for the burger buns with his hair tied back, save for a few strands framing his face.

Man, his boyfriend loved to indulge him. It went both ways. Alfred couldn't wait to propose. This very moment was nothing short of perfection. Not as an opportunity to propose, but as a moment he wanted to last forever and all he had to do was get down on one knee to ensure it. His cheeks hurt from grinning and he turned back to the patties to hide before it condemned him. Because now more than ever, he was 100% ready for commitment. To risk it all for the greatest reward ever.

He was close to finalising the plans with Antonio and Gilbert... all they had to do was narrow down their list of ideas and make the best (and most realistic) ones happen. With each meeting, they became more sure of certain aspects of the plan and it was only a matter of time...

Gilbert and Antonio were just as excited as Alfred was and he knew his friends couldn't wait to record the moment everything finally came together-

"Those look ready," Francis wrapped an arm around Alfred's shoulder, making him jump.

"I just don't wanna accidentally give you food poisoning or anything!" Alfred quickly chuckled with embarrassment and took the patties off. "You're the expert chef here, not me!"

Francis just laughed along, almost disbelievingly as he started crafting the burgers. When Alfred tried to help, his boyfriend just batted his hands away and pointed him to the beers.

"Are you tryna get me drunk?" Alfred scoffed but grabbed both beers and started drinking.

"Non!" Francis sounded offended. "I just want to make sure you sleep well tonight!"

"Oh. Well, I always sleep well when you're in my arms~" Alfred declared. 

"Likewise," Francis narrowed his eyes flirtatiously, in almost a suspicious manner. Alfred didn't know if it was for the bit or not, or if Francis had something planned. But he could tell his boyfriend was genuinely looking forward to tonight so Alfred shrugged it off. He couldn't wait to hold Francis, even if it was right after his hour long skincare routine that prevented him from beating the 'slimy frog' allegations. At least it meant he smelled nice.

They sat outside on the balcony with their drinks and burgers on a table between them.

"I just know this is going to become a deconstructed salad," Francis sighed as he pedantically stuck a wooden stick through his burger in an attempt to keep it together. Alfred just laughed as he ate his burger as it was.

"Dude. You'll survive." Though Alfred could picture other times they had burgers and Francis always tried to eat them with a knife and fork. He was just refined like that.

"Ah, but with you I thrive~" Francis smirked and Alfred couldn't help but laugh.

"Man, it's a good thing we don't keep a tally cus I can't win, can I? You're so good."

"You don't feel like a winner because you have me?"

"Dude, you know damn well I'm the biggest winn-air there is," Alfred tried to be smooth, but failed because a piece of onion was falling from the burger and onto his shirt. "Uh, ignore that."

"How can I? My eyes are drawn to you and I notice every little thing you do~" Francis picked up the onion piece and brought it to Alfred's mouth. Alfred could barely contain a smile as he parted his lips to accept the onion and made a point of licking his boyfriend's fingers.

"Control yourself, mon cher! Time and place," Francis mock chided as he wiped his fingers tantalisingly along the lapel of Alfred's jacket.

"Sure then, I'll name a time and place! How about here and now?" Alfred wiggled his eyebrows, just knowing his boyfriend's neighbours had to hate him.

Or alternatively, the neighbours saw him coming and had packets of popcorn ready for the show.

Francis didn't reply verbally, just raising an eyebrow as he raised his glass to his lips and took a sip. Alfred smirked back, though it would've been more humorous than romantic because he had to awkwardly shuffle his burger into one hand and not drop it so he could take a swig from his drink while narrowing his eyes back.

The music was still playing inside but was slightly muffled by the distance. Not that it made the moment any less perfect. If anything, Alfred thought it enhanced the atmosphere because when he leaned back and chowed down on his burger, all he could think was this was a scene right out of a movie.

"Do you think you could get used to this?" Francis mused as he picked apart his burger, preemptively giving up on eating it as intended.

"Hell yeah dude! We should do this more often!" 

"It is peaceful..." Francis leaned back, looking like the epitome of comfort as a soft orange glow fell on him. "It's just the two of us..."

"Are you trying to hint that it's better without Arthur?" Alfred sat up a little as a hint of defensive discomfort swelled. Maybe he was still on edge from the moody conversation earlier...

"No, I don't mind having him around. I just mean I need you around, exactly like this. This is quality time together, is it not?"

Alfred nodded and sipped more of his beer as his ears burned when he realised how he reacted. He knew he could live without Arthur, could adapt and adjust and so could Arthur but it felt so much like abandonment... fuck, he'd have to bring that up with Tino...

Alfred was about to communicate his conflicted feelings and his plan to get over them to reassure Francis, but the moment had passed.

"Did you tell your therapist about your photographer friend's birthday?" Francis asked softly, almost like he was being careful. Alfred just saw it as unnecessary.

"Yeah, and I'm gonna be okay, okay?" Alfred took another mouthful of beer. "It's just another day."

"Good, I'm so glad you aren't upset about it." Francis smiled as he leaned over to rub Alfred's shoulder. "What did your therapist say about the day?"

"Well, apparently I could either keep it as just another day or I could do something small like a memorial or tradition or something..."

"And which would you like to do?"

Alfred just shrugged. He had a few weeks to figure it out but he already knew what he was leaning towards.

"I'll support you with whichever you decide..." Francis's eye crinkled as he smiled and he squeezed Alfred's shoulder. "You know I'll look after you~"

Alfred slipped his hand under his boyfriend's future 𝓯𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮~'s and brought it to his lips.

"Nuh-uh! I'll look after you!"

Alfred really needed to work on his self-control.

Francis just playfully slapped Alfred's shoulder and they both resumed eating.

They sat on the balcony well after the sun went down and the lights of the neighbourhood illuminated each other as they sat side by side. Alfred shuffled in the chair to face Francis as they talked about everything and everything. Alfred couldn't keep his eyes off his boyfriend, enchanted by how the lights reflected in his blue eyes. Even when the evening air became fresh and began to cool, Alfred became Francis' self-appointed blanket and sat on him, hooking his arms and legs around the man to engulf every inch of him.

It was perfect and Alfred was only lightly tipsy with a pleasant buzz running through his limbs as he pressed his face into Francis'. Though he couldn't deny that the alcohol had left him feeling pleasantly sleepy and once Francis said he had enough of sitting outside, Alfred didn't hesitate to scoop him up bridal style. He carried his boyfriend to his bed and as soon as Alfred crashed on the amazingly soft surface he just knew he wasn't moving again. He curled around Francis and was more than content to be clingy, hardly able to keep his eyes open with no strength to fight the domestic bliss. 

"Dude, if I was a cat I'd definitely be purring right now..." Alfred muttered against Francis as his limp arms held him in place. It earned him a chuckle and Alfred relaxed further as Francis began rubbing his hands.

Alfred tried not to think about how old he was getting, because here he was being pulled under and it wasn't even late... but he didn't care because it was so worth it. More snuggle time. Francis kept lightly running his fingers along the back of his hands, tracing his palms and wrapping something around his fingers.

Everything about this was perfect and Alfred didn't want to be anywhere else. He just wanted to make this forever.

Chapter Text

lonelymapleleaf
Today August 20 in conclusion, therapy good. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk
I know it's not for everyone so I'm glad you're getting something from it! I think it's admirable that you're going through with it because not everyone can actually take action. Hopefully, it means you won't have too many misunderstandings and problems when you get married. But knowing you I'm sure you'll be able to get through it since you believe in true love and all that sappy stuff

Despite the warm reception, Alfred already felt like he had said too much. But the reality was he hadn't said enough. There was always still more. Lingering and weighing him down. Alfred had done a lot of harping on but his Canadian friend still didn't know about The Major Lore™. Sure, getting help benefited him for many unrelated reasons... But he knew he was just stalling, and now the time had come for sharing.

It wasn't a spontaneous idea. Tino approved it as a 'good idea' to explain it to someone who wasn't there when everything went down. Something about compartmentalising? Especially since it had been pointed out to Alfred that he hadn't made any friends since it happened and it was likely he subconsciously avoided and sabotaged relationships because he didn't trust them or even know how to build them. Or worse, he was punishing himself and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Ouch.

But what was spontaneous was the execution. Alfred didn't know when he'd get the right moment, if there was a right moment and if making one was even possible. But after weeks of deliberation... he knew he had to do this.

He didn't want to come across as if he was just trauma dumping or pressuring lonelymapleleaf into sharing his own lore, so he made sure to add the context that this was therapist-approved and would apparently 'be good and help him process if he had to explain it to an outside point of view who didn't know'. Alfred felt he was over-explaining to an overwhelming degree as he added sentence after sentence to justify his decision to even ask if his Canadian friend would hear him out.

It was unlike him to deliberate over a message so long, and more unlike him to send a wall of text which only made him feel like he was being dramatic but he did it. Because even if he feared the worst about sabotaging a friendship... he felt like the friendship was strong enough.

Still, the moments between the text being sent and the reply were suffocating. Anticipation wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, but certainly an unwelcome one. All Alfred could do was sit with his leg bouncing and wait. The text was sent, and he couldn't unsend it.

lonelymapleleaf
Today August 20 It's okay I understand what you're saying, I'll listen to whatever you want to tell me. You don't have to share anything you're not comfortable with so don't feel pressured. But if you want to tell me something I'll listen and do my best to understand
Okay thanks dude I'm just gonna do it in one big voice message then
just because that's easiest for me and idk how long trauma lore dump is gonna be
I'll try to keep it short tho

Alfred took a deep breath and mentally recited the main points he had to convey without fucking it up. He didn't have a script. He didn't even think he was capable of sitting down and making one. So in true Alfred fashion, he would just wing it. He knew he could do it... he just had to do it.

He didn't want to hesitate so bit the bullet and pressed record.

"Okay so first of all hi! This is my voice, please ignore if this's kinda fucked up because uh, I'm not really the best at telling stories... also I bet you're cringing right now..." Alfred had to push past his own cringe as everything inside him begged him to stop. He took a breath and cracked a smile. "I'm super American, right? Bet you think my voice suits me, eh? Anyways... not the point..."

Alfred began to pace, his available hand fluttering around in a way that reminded him of the Italian twins, bringing him amusement as he thought about his beloved friends and their humorous habits.

"I just don't know how to start... my therapist said to just rip off the bandaid and then explain it so uh, yeah. I'll do that."

Alfred winced. This was embarrassing. He couldn't even say why...

"My brother left me- Okay, wow that sounds like I've been left by a girlfriend!" Alfred chuckled dryly. "Um... also I know you're probably thinking of Arthur right now- shit, of course you are! Arthur did not leave me, okay? There's literally nothing I could do to make him leave me... unfortunately... or I guess, fortunately? ...I'm trying to be funny..."

Alfred chuckled awkwardly and stopped pacing to brush his hair back with trembling fingers.

"Sorry, my concentration is really shit right now... maybe I should've had a drink- does that make me an alcoholic? I'm getting off track..." It was too late anyway, Alfred had started recording and he didn't want to start over now... he couldn't even remember what he had already said. But he knew what he hadn't.

He just needed to get there, despite his grip on functional language slipping.

"So my brother left me... not Arthur... I had another brother. I don't know where he is or how he's going or even why he left me even though I could take a really good guess...? Also he didn't just leave me, I feel like an asshole making it all about me but um, he left Arthur too... and all our friends... or maybe my friends cus I don't know how my bro felt about them... we didn't really talk which is part of the problem... I'm rambling, shit. I'll focus on the facts."

The facts. What had happened and when.

"Fuck- I forgot to mention that this- my bro is literally my twin brother and so he's my age and I used to give him crap about being younger but it doesn't really matter- but it kinda does because aren't I supposed to be looking out for him?" Alfred mentally slapped himself when he started going off track. He couldn't help it, he was a nervous rambler. "Just hear me out because I know this is gonna make me look so shitty so I'm not even gonna try to hide it cus-"

Alfred let out a guttural groan. It made him feel better.

"Anyways, from the start would be we were still in school and my bro was always kinda... shy? He wasn't loud like me-"

Alfred let out a laugh. He hoped his humour would land as a joke.

"But yeah, I didn't pay much attention to him during our last year of school and that's probably when he was dealing with shit but I didn't know about it and couldn't do anything about it. And yeah you could say 'well why didn't he just reach out and speak up about it' and yeah, I hear you but you don't really get it. When you go through shit and you're that mentally ill you kinda just... don't bring it up."

Lonelymapleleaf was understanding and probably wouldn't shit on Matthew, so Alfred forced himself to move on.

"I should've noticed because that's my literal twin so... anyways, I didn't notice. And it wasn't just me that noticed, cus Arthur didn't notice- but I guess he was out of school and working so he didn't really see but still, he could've noticed. It's... just shit. And I mean, anyone could've noticed dude, I'm not trying to say that it's not my fault I just mean it's all our faults cus if just one of us had fucking noticed we could've been there for him!"

Alfred huffed and reminded himself to keep things relevant. The facts.

"Our friends who were probably only my friends because I think when it came to hanging outside of school, it was just me... but look, I know at least one of my friends cared for keeping an eye on him but didn't really care enough to notice and it kinda fucked us up... I could name and shame and I know it doesn't matter because you won't meet these people but..." Alfred opened his mouth, fully prepared to out Gilbert, but just couldn't do it. "I don't know... I feel like I'm protecting them by not telling.. y'know? Maybe... my therapist said I carry a lot of shame? I guess I do..."

Alfred sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"So we graduated and that was all good and I was living my best life y'know.. I'm sure you can imagine what I got up to."

Alfred's mouth turned up as he recalled all the underage partying... something his brother didn't get to experience. Maybe it was for the best because Alfred knew he shouldn't have done it... but still, he wouldn't be the same without it.

"Anyways I didn't see much of him and at some point, I didn't realise I had stopped seeing him... Then one day, one of our friends came around looking for him..." Alfred winced because he really didn't want to get into why. That was personal... ish? But he felt that the context was important enough that he'd have to tell some version of it. "Uh, that friend wanted to hang out with him and missed him from school and so- a lot of us was there actually- I don't think that's relevant- well kinda?"

Alfred sighed. Everything was crystal clear in his mind but the moment it came to verbalise? It was frustrating!

"My therapist said that I haven't really made friends since this incident and everyone who was there are tight friends- anyways, I don't remember why we knew my bro wasn't there but Arthur told that friend to leave a note and then Arthur put it in his room- his being my twin brother's room- man I bet it's hard to keep track of this story when there's so many 'hes' and 'hims'. Talk about a sausage fest!"

Alfred laughed, feeling a little guilty.

"I swear I'm not sexist! I don't know why I don't have girl space friends- well, women friends. Not 'girl' because you wouldn't call an adult man a boy so- See? I'm not sexist!- I'm distracted!"

Alfred continued pacing.

"Anyways- he wasn't in his room and it was empty. Like, completely fucking empty. Picture a fucking wasteland dude- everything was gone and dusty!" Alfred sighed, closing his eyes as he pictured it.

He could remember it all like it was yesterday. When it first happened all the memories were a mess, but after seven long years of combing through obsessively, his mind had put everything back together again. Or at least, some version of it.

"Yeah anyways, he'd been gone for a while... and we didn't even know. He just left without telling us... so we freaked out for a bit and tried to call him but... he had disconnected his phone..."

Alfred remembered sitting in his friend's car and dialling...

"We were asking everyone and finding out everything we could and tried stalking online but no... he was gone. Um... yeah.... so that's why I'm in therapy... cus apparently that did some irreversible things to the meat slab in my skull..."

The laugh that tore through him didn't sound right. Just like his brain! Alfred thought he was funny.

"Wait, there's more. He left some wack stuff behind... and kinda explained why he left... um, well first of all, there was a calendar and I-" Suddenly Alfred remembered this was a recording going to a very real person and this was going to be awkward, just like his chuckle as he quickly stammered reassurances. "I'm not saying this because it's a big deal but he left on the same day as your birthday. It's not a big deal! I'm pretty okay with it, I promise! I just kinda find it funny so you're allowed to laugh, okay? Like, womp womp, the first friend I make since..."

Alfred's chuckle died pathetically. Hopefully, lonelymapleleaf would see the humour instead of jumping to comfort him... that would be embarrassing. But Tino would say he doesn't want to accept help because the guilt makes him want to punish himself. Yikes...

"Doya know what else is a womp womp? The other things he left..."

Alfred cringed as he thought about how he'd articulate this. He wasn't the best at verbally explaining anything and this whole time he was fighting off mental blanks.

"Ummm, he left some diary scraps behind which would be a good thing to start with because well..." Alfred ran his hand through his hair. "So basically he was really depressed and because we were neglecting him... I don't wanna say it because it sounds like it was on purpose which it was not. I.. love my brother even if... I'm..."

"I'm never gonna see him again and I'm okay with that, really, but still... it's complicated sometimes..."

He didn't know how he could explain his acceptance to anyone else...

"So yeah. He left behind some bits he ripped from his diary and we had a group nosey... and he just felt so much like shit... and ... maybe I should take them to be analysed by my therapist... that could get me some insight..."

Alfred mentally slapped himself and shouted to 'focus Al!' because this was irrelevant.

"Uh, he also forgot his notebook with some fucked up sketches... I reckon he'd like your stuff- well, I know he likes your photos- lemme get to that. He left fucked up sketches that Arthur hid from me for a while but then when I had my 25th he said he'd let me see them... he hid them because... I don't know, he wanted to protect my- our bro...? I haven't looked at them yet but maybe I'll go over them with my therapist too..."

A mental note to follow through with his ideas wasn't enough, Alfred darted to his desk for a pen. If this was the audio equivalent of journaling, then he could say it really helped!

"Also my bro was really into skating, ice skating and hockey and he was good at it... he left his helmet in his room so I think that means he was so depressed he quit... or he just didn't want to do it in the future because he had bad memories?"

Alfred chuckled as he thought about the next thing and he knew it was going to look so incriminating. But, it was fine and he was happy to share something else vulnerable.

"We listen and we don't judge! He left his jumper and... I'd sniff it all the time because it smelled like him... you can call me a creep, I don't care... It just... was nice. Too bad it doesn't smell like him anymore, but I guess that's for the best..."

Do you know what else was nice? Just talking about this. To a phone, in an empty room. He was comfortable and it actually felt relaxing. Maybe he should start a podcast?

"Ahem, he also had this... don't judge him for this okay... I used to and now I feel like the biggest asshole..." Alfred smiled fondly a he resisted the urge to leave the sanctuary of his room to go find Kuma. "He had this stuffed bear, like a polar bear? And he cared a lot for it like, almost like an actual pet y'know? Anyways... he left it here and... we still have it, obviously... it's- I feel bad for him- him being the bear..."

"Um- oH! I can't believe I forgot-! He left the bear a note! He didn't leave us a note, which, oof. It's kinda funny, okay? You can laugh and say 'womp womp'. Anyways, the note was just being sorry for the bear... basically... since he left him behind and stuff..."

Okay, he didn't need to regurgitate the entire thing and spew all the details. His Canadian friend would understand.

"Anyways that letter had us so convinced that he had- fuck do I need to say trigger warning? Um... we thought my brother had... y'know..." Alfred couldn't really bring himself to say it, but he forced it out. "Killed himself... or was going to? Well, we didn't know he'd left until a month after so I guess if he was dead, he would've already been dead- we'll get to how we know he wasn't in just a minute but thank fuck he was alive!"

Alfred really wasn't the best at storytelling. If his palms weren't sweaty, knees weak or arms heavy, he'd probably be in a better state of mind to try and piece it together more theatrically. Step one would be leaving the whole 'he's alive!' for a bit to build suspense, but Alfred didn't have it in him.

"So we filed a police report cus he was missing and maybe dead and Arthur handed all that. He's a good brother... Then years passed and we didn't know if... my brother was dead in a ditch or anything... we figured at least he wasn't kidnapped."

He decided to leave his nightmares about basement torture in his head, even if it was kinda funny he had them in the first place because wow, what an exaggeration!

"Anyways, get ready for this! After hearing nothing from him for so fucking long, when I turned 21 I got a postcard in the mail and guess who it was from! Well, I think you can guess since I've been yapping for-" Alfred had been ignoring his phone until now but when he glanced down he felt his stomach drop. "OH MY GOD 15 MINUTES??? FUCK- sorry... oh you're Canadian, sor-ry."

He hoped lonelymapleleaf found at least one of his jokes funny during this shitshow of a storytime. Forget about starting a podcast. Yikes.

"No really um... I'm sorry- I'll stop apologising and hurry this along... fuck you have no idea how I'm rambling and how ... it's good."

It felt really good. Really.

"Anyway, I got a postcard from him... WELL, we didn't actually know it was from him straight away because it wasn't signed and we were confused but then thank fuck Arthur recognised the handwriting because it proved he was alive!"

He still remembered that night and his skin was hotter than ever.

"It was just 'happy birthday Alfred' and a heart and this happens every year on my birthday and honestly... I love it. It's bittersweet but it's the only reason I look forward to my birthday now so... I have a whole collection now. Also you'll like this but at first the postcards were random but now they're all postcards of your photos. He was always art-y-ish, it makes sense and..."

Irrelevant.

"Anyways- I got a tattoo! Fuck I can't believe I forgot-! It's on my arms and has two bears- a polar bear for obvious reasons and a grizzly bear and it has our handwriting and it's nice... I also got a teabag for Arthur because duh... I'll send you a picture later if y'want- OH!"

Alfred knew he was rambling but he just couldn't help it.

"Fuck- I know that getting a tattoo for your partner is usually considered a stupid idea but... I really want one for Francis because he's important to me and then I'd have all my favourite people on me..." Alfred scoffed. "Fucking sappy innit?"

He sighed and forced himself back on track as he continued to pace in his quiet room.

"Anyways, not much happened, every year was a postcard... and Arthur would get one too and imma snitch on him and say he cried about it."

Alfred let out a bittersweet chuckle, knowing damn well he had cried too.

"It was like that for a while... until... this year actually... I always wished the cards would say more- they don't even have return addresses so I can't be a creepy stalker! But this year... ah, now I'm nervous again... I'm over it but y'know..."

He wanted to phrase it carefully, but he didn't really feel like he had the vocabulary for that.

"I'll spit it out. He wrote a whole wall of text and it fucked me up so bad that I had some kinda episode in an ice cream parlour. Awkward... Don't worry, Francis kissed it all better but still, it was unexpected. Um, he just wrote about how he was sorry and how he wished things didn't end up like this and that he didn't hate us... which... I really needed to hear because I was always so worried he hated us because-"

Alfred gestured wildly with his free hand. The thumb of his hand holding the phone was cramping but Alfred was determined to get through this. He blinked forcefully as he made himself continue.

"Well, we didn't really love him y'know... we just overlooked him and he didn't really feel included so of course he wasn't thriving if we were suffocating... I used to be worried that he had- forgotten about us and that he didn't care for us but at least by sending these postcards... yeah..." Alfred sighed deeply. "He said he left for his own peace of mind so if it was for the best then it was for the best... he did what he needed to which I really get. I can see it."

But there was no way to tell him that now. Alfred cleared his throat as a sudden onslaught of something tore through him.

"Um... I'm not sure how to wrap this up now... but that's basically everything that happened... I-"

He swallowed shakily as he began to tear up and sniffle. He held the phone away from him as he tried to keep it to himself and wipe his face with his sleeve.

"It doesn't have the same hold on me as it used to dude but I just feel so fucking bad sometimes." It was the truth yet here he was, choking up. Tino did tell him to go easy on himself. Forgive and accept. Because he'd do it for anyone else but him. "I just want to apologise and let him know I'm sorry too but I can't and so that's why I need therapy... because I know things can't go back and I'm really okay with that, but I'm not okay with him not knowing that I'm sorry and I- I say I didn't mean it but that doesn't mean that it didn't happen I-"

The sniffling was getting worse and Alfred was just annoyed.

"I'm gonna keep rambling... shit... Okay, that's my deep lore. That's why I'm so scared about getting married because what if I'm really annoying and Francis fucking leaves me too? But I know it's not being annoying, it's that... we did Ma- my bro so fucking dirty and it had nothing to do with me being annoying."

Alfred knew what it really was and he doubted being annoying wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. He didn't want to think he'd do the same to Francis either...

"What if I'm just not good enough or- just all these things that have rewired my brain and I'm not the same person I was before. I used to be that guy but now I just... I'm not a confident person... what I thought was confidence was just-" He was tempted to literally slap himself this time. "Okay, I'm not here to reflect, you're not my therapist." Alfred burst out in self-deprecating laughter. "I'm just rambling because I feel awkward, okay? I doubt this is what you expected to hear. I should've made you guess my lore first... just for my entertainment because you wouldn't have guessed this. But anyways, thanks for listening... you're a good friend."

Alfred ended the message, out of breath and staring at the blurry screen where the message was now sent. It couldn't be unsent and something inside him screamed. He shouldn't have done that. His legs felt like jelly as he carefully lowered himself into a chair and thoughts of how he had irreversibly fucked up the status quo flooded him. His eyes bore into his screen, waiting for a reply but not knowing what to expect. He imagined all sorts of scenarios because he didn't know how lonelymapleleaf would take it at all.

But lonelymapleleaf had to listen to that massive voice message before Alfred could even hear his thoughts on it and the hand of anticipation wrapped around his throat.

Tino prepared him for this and gave him a strategy. Alfred took a few breaths before putting his phone on silent and tossing it across the room out of reach. How was that for coping!

At least by having a licensed professional point out that he'd feel the urge to keep texting and humiliate himself in an effort to try and control the narrative of how someone else feels about him, he can avoid just that and let the cards fall as they may!

And to really make sure he didn't meddle and self-sabotage or work himself up over nothing, he decided he'd move on to part 2 of professional advice: distract himself!

It was time to write that overdue letter to Matthew. Alfred didn't want to put that off. After he had completed that, it was time to research the final stage of proposal planning. Gilbert and Antonio had really pulled through and the plan was to propose while it was still Summer, on the very last day of August! T minus eleven days!

So after one big determined breath, Alfred grabbed a pen and opened Matthew's notebook.

⊱֍⊰

lonelymapleleaf
Today August 20, 3:15 PM I like your voice, don't worry. It's good to finally hear it. Also, I don't mind the length so please don't feel guilty for that. There's a lot to cover and I don't think I can say anything that can make you feel better but I still want to try so let me put the notes I took into texts
I can tell this has affected you a lot so I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sure your brother didn't want it to hurt you or even knew it would hurt you that much. I'm sure he'd be glad you're getting therapy and trying not to let it consume you. Trust me, you can't let the past consume you. But I know not everyone can just not let things affect them so I don't want to imply anything. I just mean some people ruminate because it hurts them so badly.
I'm glad you give your brother so much grace. Don't take this as an insult but it surprised me. Just because you've got some kind of vibe about you I guess, I think you know what I mean anyway. But you've really grown up and I'm glad you're not blaming your brother. He'd probably be worried you hate him instead of the other way around if he knew that you were actually upset about him leaving
I don't think your brother would blame you for not noticing that he wasn't okay. He probably wished you and your friends would notice but he probably just accepted it in the end. While things could've been different, he wouldn't have taken it personally. As in, he would've just known that's what you and your friends were like and sometimes you have to accept what and who a person is and there's no changing it. But that doesn't mean you can't still love that person. People are complicated but I'm sure you've come to realise that
I'm rambling now, sorry.
I'm really glad you felt like you could vent and tell me that. I hope it made you feel better and you achieved what your therapist was hoping you would
I'm sorry that it was so big that it became a 'big traumatic lore' as you said but I'm sure that Matthew still loves and misses you and maybe one day you can meet again when he's ready
Since you know how hard it is for you then I'm sure you can imagine he has his own 'big traumatic lore' that makes confronting the past really hard and he would have his own regrets and wishes
I don't really know what else to say, I don't think I have the words for a lot of things but I want you to know your feelings are valid and this is a really nuanced problem so there isn't really a bad guy so please don't feel like you're a bad person, I know how much you see yourself as a hero or at least you want to but feel like you can't because you let someone down so I think talking to your therapist about forgiving yourself is something you should do if you haven't already
I guess you just can't save everyone. Or everyone just doesn't want to be saved. Or can't be saved. I think in this case you can only save yourself and choose not to blame yourself because yeah things turned out this way but it wasn't solely you
Okay I'm done, I just hope talking about it helped you because it's definitely given me some insight.

lonelymapleleaf
Today August 20, 3:42 PM Alfred?
Today August 20, 3:45 PM I don't know what to say beyond I'm truly sorry for you
I'll be here, text me when you're ready

Chapter Text

lonelymapleleaf
Today August 28 Happy birthday dude!
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
yes be worried
SO Ik youre staying somewhere in Quebec rn and ik what your view looks like
so i narrowed down the hotel youre *probably* staying in based on some stalker research I did
If not just pretend youre staying there ahaha who has to know? 
Anyways I sent a cake! 
okay franics sent it really cus no one wanted to speak to me cus im american ig and i can't speak french so he rizzed em
i mean I understand a little cus Francis duh but anyeays
Happy birthday! I had to make sure you celebrated it just a little yk
I bet you're really gonna like the cake 😉
(I'm not gonna spoil it but it's canadian ish?)

Alfred sent a link of the hotel in question as he got out of bed. He had set an alarm to wake up nice and early to do just that and he smirked as he started the day. He was looking forward to his friend's response, but until then, he had a lot of work to keep himself preoccupied. 

Francis was still lying in bed, awake but content to drift in a semi-lucid and completely relaxed state. He had taken the morning off to spend it with Alfred, something he wouldn't budge on. Alfred thought it was unnecessary, but he wasn't going to say no to a morning of spooning.

Or at least that had been his attitude before. Now, Alfred's stomach had other ideas. And if he thought with any body part, it would be that one.

Francis made a noise of displeasure when Alfred left the bed.

"Sorry but I'm starving," He chuckled and tucked the sheets back in place. "I'll make us breakfast, okay? You stay here and I'll bring us breakfast in bed, okay?"

Alfred wasn't going to take no for an answer and his boyfriend, soon to be 𝓯𝓲𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓮~, knew that and wisely didn't fight him on it. Alfred was buzzing with energy and he would 100% actually fight him on it.

Say what you want, but Alfred's philosophy was that one was never too old to play fight. He wouldn't go easy just because Francis was in a weakened, sleepy state! Alfred could already imagine joking about how easily the French surrendered, making him chuckle to himself as he quietly left the bedroom.

Arthur was already up, like the old man he was. He was leaning over the counter with a face of concentration as he sorted bills, and, could you guess what beverage he had in his hand? Alfred playfully rolled his eyes.

"Do you ever get bored of drinking tea?"

"No, Alfred. Do you get bored of hamburgers?" Arthur just sighed deeply, turning the same letter over and over as he stared. From the way he was blinking lethargically, it looked like he didn't get up that long ago.

"Nuh-uh," Alfred sang annoyingly, swinging the fridge open. "Doya want me to make you some breakfast? Want some crumpets or something?"

Alfred bit back throwing an 'innit' in his sentence because that would really get Arthur riled up, innit?

"I think you should get Francis."

"Bruh, I'm not that shit in the kitchen! Come on, it's the toaster cookin' it, not me!"

"Alfred." Arthur turned around, completely serious. "I want you to get Francis."

"Why?" Alfred's face scrunched in concern. "What's going on?"

Arthur held up an envelope. One that looked like all the other envelopes - boring. Alfred eyed it but didn't see what the problem was.

"Okay, and?"

"If I'm right, there's no way we're going to approach this with a level head!" Arthur snapped, incredulous. Alfred felt like they were having two different conversations and it was making him confused and irritable.

"So why Francis? He's trying to sleep in-"

"Oh for heaven's sake!" Arthur sneered. "You're going to marry him one day! You're attached by the hip and a package deal as it is! God forbid you rely on him- Just get him!"

"Oh my God, fine!" Alfred huffed before shouting Francis' name, just to be spiteful and not go get him.

Francis stumbled in, rubbing at his squinting eyes with his sleep mask pushed up on his head and holding his hair back. No doubt he just rolled out of bed and Alfred was definitely going to throw Arthur under the bus for this.

"Oui? You called, Mon cher?"

"Actually, Arthur wants you," Alfred gestured to the Brit, who was giving him an unimpressed look.

"Look, I get this is, ah, sensitive and therefore uncomfortable, but would it really hurt you to be mature?"

"I don't know what's going on!" Alfred just wanted to make breakfast! There went his breakfast-in-bed idea! He supposed he could do that, but only after Arthur started making sense.

"Alright, you called, Arthur?" Francis wrapped his arms around Alfred, preventing him from just getting breakfast while Arthur yapped about whatever he was annoyed about. Which could be literally anything. Arthur was good at making a mountain out of a molehill.

"Take a look," Arthur held out the envelope, pointing to their postal address. "Matthew's handwriting."

"What?" Alfred did a double-take. Shit, how did he miss that? "Are you serious?"

"What did you think I was on about?" Arthur narrowed his eyes.

"I don't know?! The water bill?!" Alfred threw his hands up, but Francis caught them and held them in place, tucking them safely into the hug.

"So you wanted to open it," Francis said understandingly.

"Well, I don't know what to expect because he's only ever sent postcards, which obviously don't contain a lot of content. So this is making me nervous," Arthur sighed, his hands trembling slightly as he put the letter down. The very serious and intimidating letter. "At least with you here, you can provide Alfred with emotional support and help discuss... whatever the contents are."

"I'm kinda impressed he always lines up the letters to come on the right day," Alfred commented, feeling a little distant as he watched the scene unfold. "Actually, why's there a letter now? Like, I know today's the day he left but why now?"

"I'm not sure why, I guess we'll find out," Arthur mumbled as he used a knife as an impromptu letter opener. 

"It could be because it's been seven years. A lot has happened in that time," Francis offered, rubbing his stubble against Alfred's face as he nuzzled him, making the American jump. "It's a step forward, non?"

"Towards what, I wonder," Arthur said apprehensively. No one could think of an answer. Arthur sighed as he quickly scanned the letter. "There's no return address, so perish the thought that anything will come from this... I think he just wanted us to know more. Listen to this..."

Alfred clutched Francis' arms and leaned to follow along over his brother's shoulder as Arthur began to read.

Alfred didn't realise he was crying until the glasses were being taken off his face and Francis' fingers were on his burning cheeks. At least that explained why he was straining so hard to see the words. Arthur looked like he was going to shut down and before Alfred could clear his throat to say anything, Francis was putting a hand on the Brit's shoulder.

"Would you like me to call someone? Antonio? You should have someone here for you too."

"Bollocks, I have no one. Nor do I need anyone, I am an adult and can handle myself." Arthur put the letter down on the bench and took a photo before turning an accusatory eye at Alfred, making him shrink back. Because seriously! He didn't even say 'womp womp'! He wasn't even thinking it!

"I'm going to put this in his room. It'll be too emotional to stare at that as opposed to a screen and I don't want to damage it." Arthur picked up the letter again, glancing between the couple in a way that Alfred didn't miss, before wavering on him. "I don't know why you hesitate."

Alfred felt even worse as Arthur left and his words lingered. Francis held onto him and pushed Alfred's face into his shoulder as he stroked his hair. Alfred distantly knew it was a good thing Francis was wearing pyjamas because those could be tossed in the wash, no big deal, making Alfred feel less guilty for crying into him.

"I think I should call my therapist or something... this probably counts as needing an emergency appointment, right?" Alfred tried to chuckle. "Fuck, this is fucked."

"Of course, would you like me to call for you?" Francis said sweetly but Alfred could already feel his phone being pulled from his pocket. "I'll call right after I find someone for Arthur..."

"Man, you're such a good boy," Alfred tried to say teasingly, but it probably sounded pathetic through tears. Oh well, Tino said he should allow himself to feel his feelings instead of trying to force himself to be blank and call it being mature. Alfred felt like he'd done a lot of feeling since he started the whole proposing adventure.

"Ah, this is what you do for love, mon amour," Francis said lightly as he tugged Alfred to sit on a stool by the counter. "How about breakfast? I think a little something in your stomach will make you feel ready to take this on."

Alfred just nodded as Arthur came back, eyes fixed on his phone and lips mouthing the words over and over.

"I love you~" Francis continued as he multitasked, opening Alfred's phone to make the call and the fridge. "And I suppose I love Arthur too, there are worse brother-in-laws."

Arthur snapped away from his phone at the mention of his name and after a moment of hesitation, made a noise of agreement with Francis' statement. That made Alfred's lips quirk up just a bit.

Matthew would've made a great brother-in-law...

"And just what are you doing?" Arthur sat beside Alfred and pat him lightly as he addressed Francis. 

"I can't have my family process their turbulent emotions on an empty stomach!" Francis tutted. "And I'm calling Alfred's therapist to book an emergency appointment."

"Right." Arthur eyed the Frenchman warily as he grabbed out ingredients. 

Alfred watched too, mouth feeling a little too dry to speak up and disturb the momentary comfortable silence. Then Francis was ringing and making the call for him. Alfred just wished his boyfriend would have an issue, any issue so just once, Alfred could be the hero. He could save Francis and prove that their relationship was equal and it wasn't always Alfred taking from Francis... 

But Francis was just that perfect, huh? If he had a problem, then it didn't last long and always found resolution... He didn't really need Alfred. But Alfred knew that Francis wanted him~

Alfred knew his fears were irrational. Wanting to play hero was just childish and unnecessary. Francis knew Alfred would do the same and more for him, but he still wished he had an opportunity to actually do something.

Alfred listened as Francis spoke with the call on speaker so he could hear the details, giving an appropriate response of a thumbs up and nodding to let him know he was good with the arrangement. Alfred felt a little disappointed that he couldn't talk about Matthew's old diary entries and the art as planned. But now? Now he had new content.

He hated it. Or, he hated how it felt. He knew he'd be okay once he talked about it and time had passed. That was a gentle reassurance, knowing that what had worked before would play out again and he'd get through this. He was covered... but Arthur?

Arthur was silent, having nothing to say about Alfred's therapy being discussed right in front of him. His eyes were staring blankly forward and his phone screen had turned off. He only snapped back to reality when Francis announced he had invited Gilbert and Antonio over.

Because somehow Arthur had just blanked on Francis passing Alfred's phone back before taking out his own to send a message to his friends.

"Bloody hell, do you have any sense of decency?" Arthur spluttered. "I take it back! You're a horrible brother-in-law! I only wanted you here for Alfred's sake! How dare you invite company over when we're going through a time like this! I just want to be alone, you know!"

"And you can be alone until they get here!" Francis said as if it were obvious. "I know you'll appreciate not being alone."

"All because you just want to get back to spooning," Arthur accused. "And you think I'm jealous and depressed because I'm missing out! There's nothing to miss out on! I don't have to put up with someone and I'm better off for it!"

"You can spoon Toni instead," Alfred joked, instantly feeling bad about making sibling jabs now when Arthur spluttered. He probably shouldn't weaponise a vulnerable moment, especially when that was the closest form of self-help Arthur had ever indulged in...

But speaking of Antonio... Alfred leaned away to hide his phone from his brother and opened Antonio's contact. It was time for Antonio to pay him back. To the best of his ability, considering his missing glasses being in Francis' possession, Alfred texted his friend pleading for him to either usher Arthur into therapy or at least do some DIY home therapy because Arthur was just raw dogging suffering. That much was obvious...

Chapter Text

Antonio had no idea what time it was but didn't care in the slightest. He barely registered the morning light shining softly through the gap in the curtain as he lay in his bed, flopped in what would be a highly unnatural position if the clutches of sleep didn't still have him within a tender hold. All he knew was comfort and rest.

Ah, the blessing of being a barely functional member of society. Or at least, an unconventional member. Sleeping in was one of the things that made him feel most alive. Along with napping; a good siesta was good for the soul and was something their whole family could enjoy.

Along with extended family, ideally. Antonio was vaguely aware of another familiar and comforting presence in his space as he realised that someone was crushing his arm.

Antonio had yet to convert Gilbert to the ways of a good midday siesta, but at least his best friend/brother could enjoy a good sleep in. It was a good compromise and Antonio didn't have it in him to really force Gilbert into napping. Once the albino was up, he didn't sleep again until he crashed late in the night.

Something in his sleep-addled brain wasn't sitting right and it was preventing him from fully relaxing... he couldn't really place what it was beyond just a nagging feeling. It could be work related stress from editing videos for too long too late, or it could be excitement for what was happening in only a few days' time - the long-awaited and highly anticipated proposal. One meticulously brainstormed and planned out to perfection. It was slowly creeping closer and it just couldn't come fast enough!

Antonio really wanted to convince Francis to have one last sleepover... but Antonio knew that marriage wasn't the end. Gilbert had been suggesting they work out visitation with Alfred when Feliciano had a genius suggestion. Since Alfred wanted to remain close with his brother, every so often Alfred and Arthur could have a sleepover; leaving Francis available to come join the cuddle pile of his brothers in arms who missed having him in their arms...

With Antonio and Gilbert in agreement, it meant that it would certainly happen. Gilbert stated majority rules after all.

Antonio even missed how the bed used to be so crowded. He missed having pins and needles in both arms instead of just the one. As nice as it was to spread out, the vacant space really felt empty sometimes.

Ah well, Francis would always be in their hearts. Their brotherhood couldn't be shaken and some things would never change, even as time kept marching forward. But he would still work out a way to claim visitation. It would be a real shame if there was no more trio and he was reduced to a duo. But Antonio was optimistic. He'd find a way to make everyone happy! Everyone deserved happiness and after so long, it seemed that it was finally achievable for everyone.

When Antonio sat up and pulled his arm out from under Gilbert, he heard a groan and realised he had woken his friend up.

Did he feel guilty about it? No. It was probably time they got up anyway. They had videos to edit and post so they could get paid.

"Morning, amigo," Antonio muttered, giving Gilbert a strong shake.

"What time ist es?" Gilbert mumbled, taking the cue to wake. Gilbert used to be an early riser... years ago. He used to be so disciplined, yet now he could rival Nonno for how long and how deeply he could sleep.

Antonio replied with a shrug. He would check his phone but he quickly realised he didn't know where it was. Oops, he was always misplacing that thing... But no matter, his internal clock was finely tuned and he assumed it was around mid-morning.

"Fine, but only because I'm hungry..." Gilbert groaned as he sat and rubbed his eyes. "I'd make you get me food but I know you'll just get distracted and forget."

Antonio chuckled guiltily.

Gilbert just scoffed in reply as he reached for his phone and he cursed when he found it flat. Antonio chuckled again but perked up when he heard movement and muffled voices from beyond his bedroom door. 

"I think everyone else is up," Antonio stretched as he got out of bed.

"Perfeckt, Ludwig can make me something for breakfast." Gilbert cackled opportunistically. 

"They probably had breakfast hours ago, you know how early Ludwig gets up..." Antonio had to wonder why Feliciano was adamant his boyfriend sleep over at every opportunity despite knowing that he would be dragged out of bed whenever Ludwig decided the both of them should rise. 

"We don't know that! Besides, Ludwig can get me something anyways." Gilbert strutted from the room and checked the kitchen, smirking when he found both Ludwig and Feliciano there. There were pieces of pastry everywhere and it seemed Feliciano had roped his boyfriend into an ambitious cooking project.

"No," Ludwig stated preemptively, already expecting what Gilbert was going to ask. Too bad Feliciano wasn't on the same page.

"Gil! Toni! Did you guys want to have lunch with us later? We're making lasagna!"

"Of course I want some lasagna!" Gilbert cheered before turning to Toni while looking at Ludwig. "You must be proud, your brother is so reliable. Mine just wants to see me starve and wither away. I need protein so my muscles can stay awesome!"

Antonio chuckled while Ludwig rolled his eyes.

"Why don't you check the fridge and make your own breakfast? That way you don't have to wait while hungry," Ludwig suggested. Gilbert just made a fart noise as he pulled open the fridge and looked at Antonio with a silent question; 'will you cook something for us?'

He didn't mind cooking, but Antonio thought it was a shame his family's love for cooking didn't rub off on Gilbert. Oh well, at least it was a passion he shared with Francis. Antonio smiled and scanned the well-stocked fridge before finding some Churros to be reheated.

Maybe the next series of videos they could make should be about Antonio trying to teach Gilbert to cook. It sounded like a really fun idea! Too bad without his phone, he couldn't note it down and would immediately forget it. Oh well.

"Do you think Francis wants lasagna?" Feliciano asked, bouncing in excitement. "I know he's at work but maybe he can come over and have some. Oh, and what about Alfred and Arthur! We should have everyone come over before Alfred-"

"You know you have to keep it a secret, right?" Antonio chuckled as he set about reheating the churros. With only a couple of days before Alfred finally proposed to Francis, he was determined to be more careful than ever. Antonio know how much it meant to his brother in arms and so it was one of the few things he treated with 100% seriousness.

As endearing as his little brother was, Antonio knew that he wasn't exactly the most mindful... 

"Ja, you don't want me getting in trouble, do you?" Gilbert added hastily. "I only told you because you're cool! So hush!"

The odds of anything being leaked from the chatterbox were probably zero while Ludwig was around. Antonio knew that he was more than well-equipped to handle the Italian and he couldn't wait until it was them tying the knot. Antonio sighed fondly as he imagined his brother's future, feeling his chest grow warm even though he knew he was getting ahead of himself.

He only wanted the best for his family. All of his family.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, I promise!" Feliciano said. "I'm just so happy for them!"

"Everyone is, it's about time," Antonio chuckled. "I can't wait to see Francis' reaction. He's going to love it so much!"

"I'm going to miss Francis so much," Gilbert imitated crying before quickly pinching a cold churro from Antonio and shoving it in his mouth. "He'll never hang out with us again."

"It's only a proposal," Ludwig stated flatly. "Ultimately, not much will change in their daily lives."

"But everything will change!" Feliciano insisted. "They're finally going to be happy and Francis is going to be so surprised!"

"Francis will still hang out with us! He'll sleep with us again too," Antonio reassured helpfully as he continued to maneuver around the pair and put the churros in the air fryer. "It'll only be on special occasions, that's all."

Still, it was saddening to know that there would be no more simply existing together, just organised hangouts with an expiration date because they all had lives to get to. But this was what Francis dreamed of and Antonio wanted it for him. It was bittersweet.

"Heh, he'll have to if he gets put in the doghouse," Gilbert cackled, picturing Francis being kicked out and having to retreat back to them. 

"He'd be so upset if he was!" Feliciano expressed, and Antonio could picture how distressed the Frenchman would be over it. It would make for a terrible sleepover.

"Alfred would never do that anyway, I can't picture it," he dismissed before an idea came to him. "If anyone was going to kick them to the doghouse, it would be Arthur."

Gilbert cackled louder.

"Then they'd both come here and it'd be like a really big sleepover!" Feliciano beamed. "Just like it used to be!"

"Good thing there's an excessive level of pasta supplies in these cupboards..." Ludwig sighed. "Knowing you lot, there would be a lot of eating involved."

"And there's plenty of alcohol too," Gilbert added with a smirk.

Antonio laughed along as he pictured having to for four people on his bed... a feat he didn't think was even possible... Oh well, he was sure they'd manage. They'd have to try, when soon enough Alfred was going to become their brother too...

"Save the alcohol for a special occasion," Ludwig chided.

"Oh! Like their bachelor parties!" Feliciano suggested enthusiastically. "Can I help plan it! Come on Toni! We have to start brainstorming now!"

"Oh fuck yeah! We need to plan the most awesome bachelor parties ever!" Gilbert declared.

"I think you would only be responsible for Francis'," Ludwig informed, which fell on deaf ears because hyping up for hypotetical bachelor parties was too much fun.

The conversation came to a lull when the backyard's sliding door crashed open and Lovino stormed in.

"Lovi! Do you want to help make lasagna?" Feliciano chirped. Lovino glanced at him before his scowling face turned to Antonio. Evidentially, that was a no.

"You, bastard," Lovino spat while gesturing aggressively. "Answer your Goddamn phone before I run it over with my Vespa!"

Gilbert laughed and Antonio ignored him, adopting a sheepish smile as he tried to defuse the situation. Clearly, he left it within earshot of the Italian... he felt a little guilty.

"Sure Lovi, has it been annoying you?"

"Fucking idiot, of course it has! I'm trying to talk to Nonno and this stupid piece of shit keeps interrupting me!" Lovino shoved Antonio's phone into his chest, making him stagger back. "You need to put that fucking thing on mute or you need to actually keep it on you, bastard! What if it's an emergency?"

"If it's an emergency, who'd want Toni?" Gilbert cackled, giving Antonio a sly look. Antonio just chuckled in amusement and checked his phone as Lovino asked. Now he remembered leaving it outside the night before, when he was sitting out there with Gilbert and Nonno having a traditional Spanish dinner.

Which meant that it was unreasonably late but since it was Summer and the air was so lovely, so no one minded the time as they got lost in conversation and enjoyed the night.

"Have you eaten today, Lovino?" Ludwig asked.

"That's none of your fucking business is it? Are you just hoping to shove potatoes down my throat you blond bastard?!"

"He's asking if you're hangry," Gilbert looped an arm around the Italian, grin widening when Lovino physically lashed out and slapped it off.

Despite banter being typical between the two because of their clashing personalities, Antonio had been trying to nudge Gilbert into softening it in recent times. Even now Antonio would say something about Gilbert not riling Lovino up too much... if it weren't for being distracted.

His phone had really been going off.

Francis had texted their trio's group chat 7 times. Then he tried to call twice. But if that wasn't enough to piss Lovino off, Alfred had texted Antonio nearly 20 times. Clearly, the American didn't know how to use paragraphs and pressed send after every thought, and was likely the cause of his brother's irritation.

Still, the texts were enough to get a picture of what was happening. Matthew had sent Alfred and Arthur a letter. Not a postcard, a letter, today on the 7th year anniversary of his disappearance and not something he had done before. And Francis wanted the two of them there to help distract and cheer up the brothers. More specifically, Arthur because Francis was concerned he'd be resistant.

Alfred seemed down, but was mostly worried for Arthur, who was apparently in a mood and saying things that made Alfred respond with yikes. Antonio felt guilty as his friend begged him to try and warm Arthur up to the idea of therapy. It made him feel sick. Alfred was just as worried for Arthur as Antonio was with Lovino... all he wanted to do was return the favour.

Antonio resolved to do what he could because how could he not help a friend in need? Not that he knew how to do it. Arthur was combative yet comparable to Lovino, and knowing Lovino so well... Antonio knew it was only an exterior. And in recent times, he'd gotten very good at slipping past...

"Gil, I think we should go find your phone," Antonio chuckled as he pocketed his. He didn't really picture his day turning out like this, but he could roll with the punches. Video editing was a chore anyway and he could do that tomorrow. It seemed he was on friendship duty and that was way more important than work.

"Why-? Scheisse! I didn't put it on charge!" Gilbert darted from the room and Antonio followed.

"How are you both so irresponsible! You're both older than me!" Lovino huffed.

"So what's going on? I'm picturing that your phone only made a noise three times before Lovi couldn't take it." Gilbert jumped on the bed and plugged his phone in, groaning when he realised that he'd have to wait a moment for it to charge enough to turn on.

"It's a little higher than that..." Antonio chuckled. "It was-"

"Wait! I wanna guess!" Gilbert cut in. "Five?"

"Higher than that," Antonio sat on the bed too. "It was Francis, he wants us to help with something."

"At the restaurant? Wait- shit, he took the morning off." Gilbert sighed when he realised the date before shaking his head. "Wow, on the first year we don't plan to do something. So what happened? Are they all crying like babies?"

"I don't know, they could be," Antonio hoped they weren't, but it was possible. "Francis said Matthew sent a letter."

"What? He did?!" Gilbert scrambled to turn his phone on and bounced his leg as he waited for it to load. "Did Francis say what it said? Did he take a picture?"

"No, he just wants us to go over and help cheer everyone up. Well, just Arthur I guess since Francis' is looking after Al. He's doing alright and is just a little bit sad but apparently Arthur's really upset."

"Ugh, I guess that means no lasagna for lunch... that's definitely not awesome," Gilbert joked.

"I'm sure Francis will cook," Antonio replied. "Just take the charger with you, we should probably go as soon as we can..."

It made him a little nervous knowing he had to be there as soon as possible and usually while he wasn't one to rush... Antonio wanted to hurry this along. Even if he didn't know what to do, he could just try and wing it. Things usually worked out in the end.

"Yeah yeah, or, I could steal Lud's shit." Snatching his phone, Gilbert darted up and ran from the room, shouting something to Ludwig about borrowing his power bank and not taking no for an answer.

"What the hell is going on?" Lovino demanded as Antonio stepped out. 

"Gilbert's phone is flat," Antonio replied helpfully, chuckling when Lovino facepalmed.

"Idiot, I mean what's going on! Who was texting you so damn much!"

"Is it about Arthur and Alfred?" Ludwig asked perceptively.

"Yeah, they're not doing too well," Antonio recited, Alfred's request lingering as he started to think about how he could approach such a topic, knowing it was going to be shot down.

"But it's been so long... I thought they were okay," Feliciano frowned. "Do we need to bring some lasagna over? That should help cheer them up and if we're all around them they won't get lonely!"

"Well, the more the merrier, right?" Antonio smiled. "More people means more distraction! And who isn't cheered up by your cooking?!"

"They're not all mopey, are they?" Lovino asked. "I don't want to eat lasagna around sad people."

"They're definitely being mopey cus Matthew actually sent them a letter this time," Gilbert ran back in the room. "You know he has only been sending postcards so it's probably something juicy."

"Oh..." Feliciano frowned and didn't seem to know what to say. "So they're going to be really sad..."

"I don't want to eat lasagna around him either," Lovino huffed while pointing at Gilbert in a bad attempt of recovering the mood. It fell flat, leaving the air felt more stale than before.

"I suppose that explains it," Ludwig stated, ever pragmatic. "No matter how much they believe it has been left in the past, this would certainly stir something up now."

"Well, I think Alfred's doing alright." Antonio chuckled, but it didn't come naturally. Not when worry was lingering. "I don't think Arthur is doing too well, though."

"Maybe you should pressure him into therapy." Lovino spitefully replied and glanced at the floor.

Okay, maybe Antonio had been pushing his brother a little too much lately and maybe he shouldn't have been. Antonio may have pressured Lovino to share what he shared to his therapist and expected results almost immediately, but he stepped back when his brother spoke up.

But at least Lovino was open to talking to the people already in his life. Unlike Arthur.

Antonio just settled on laughing awkwardly and then going to check on the Churros. He could see that Feliciano was going to say something, but Ludwig subtly stopped him.

"We'll just take these for the road," he scooped them out and passed them to Gilbert. "I don't want to be too long and leave poor Francis to deal with everything."

"How about you go see what's going on and then tell us if we need to come over," Lovino huffed, crossing his arms. "Me and Nonno were busy talking and I only came in to give you your stupid phone, bastard."

"That is a smart idea," Ludwig added, making Lovino huff in distaste. "They might not be in the mood to be overwhelmed by many people today. We'll only come over if the situation calls for it, but otherwise I think it's best we stay here."

"Of course it's a good idea," Lovino muttered. Antonio pat his shoulder.

"Oh..." Feliciano's shoulders slumped at Ludwig's words and he turned back to making the lasagna, "Well, maybe we could make something to drop off?"

"Pfft, Francis' has probably already cooked something," Gilbert said, not picking up that Feliciano probably wanted the opposite so he could feed everyone and feel like he was helping. "So don't worry about anyone starving or anything."

"Yeah! I can always help cook!" Antonio added before remembering he had a request to fulfil and was wasting time. "We should probably get going. I wouldn't want to keep Francis waiting."

In the end, Gilbert grabbed his car keys and Feliciano came around to being cheerful quickly enough to wish them a fun visit. Antonio hoped that this somehow turned into something enjoyable. Usually that was guaranteed when around his favourite people. He didn't know what to expect but he was optimistic that with the help of friends, everyone would be having a good time in no time.

He also suspected that Feliciano's cheerfulness came from a place of having decided to cook something for them anyway and Antonio didn't see any problem in that. Food always cheered everyone up.

"Alright, let's go!" Gilbert said with a mouthful of churros.

"One moment!" Antonio didn't give any warning as he crashed into Lovino and gave him a crushing hug. 

"Get off me!" Lovino screeched as he fought back futilely with his arms pinned by his sides.

"I love you!" Antonio cooed as he ignored the flailing. 

"Naww, Lovi just hug him back!" Feliciano giggled.

"I'm not going to let go until you say it back!" Antonio added. "So you'd better say it back!"

Lovino groaned deeply before finally sagging.

"Tch, fucking fine. I love you. There." Lovino put his arms around too, giving Antonio a brief pat on the back before dropping them again. "Now stop being sappy."

Gilbert looked at Ludwig and smirked as he stalked over with open arms.

"I love you." Ludwig wisely said with a sigh, his guarded look saying enough. "No need for-"

"GROUP HUG!" Was all the warning Feliciano gave before ambushing his brothers in a hug, making Lovino grunt in annoyance and crushing defeat.

Gilbert looked on fondly before glancing at Ludwig.

"No," he stated preemptively, sighing again when Gilbert ignored him.

Chapter Text

Gilbert didn't have many ideas about how Antonio could kindly suggest therapy, and Antonio gave up after his friend kept suggesting backwards ideas that definitely wouldn't work. Like bribery, coercion, and holding Arthur at knifepoint. 

Antonio laughed when Gilbert rambled off obviously stupid ideas for the sake of humour, but felt like Gilbert wasn't serious about making it happen. 

Antonio just asked himself, would it piss Lovino off? The last thing he wanted was for Arthur to be mad at him when Antonio just wanted to help him feel better.

But he'd think of something. He was sure of it. Surely he could piggyback off something and lead the conversation in the right direction. He was hopeful that if he just showed some support and encouragement, Arthur wouldn't get too upset.

He just hoped this wasn't a case of his blind optimism.

"I just hope we can cheer them up," Antonio repeated as they pulled down a familiar street. "I wish I brought my guitar, that always cheers me up."

"Just play some music from your phone," Gilbert dismissed. "Should we ask Francis what was in the letter? So we don't have to ask Arthur or Al?"

Antonio knew Gilbert was just worried about what Matthew could've written. He was just as obsessed after the Alfred's birthday and Antonio had struggled to stop Gilbert from obsessively bugging the brothers about learning what was written.

Personally, Antonio didn't really care to know. Still, he knew where Gilbert was coming from. The small paragraph on the postcard that arrived for Alfred's 25th said enough... knowing they were about to face the effects of a whole letter was a little intimidating.

Because really, what else did Matthew have to say? Antonio just hoped it wasn't anything too mean because the brothers were already too hard on themselves. Every time they got something new, it was almost like the life was drained from them and a cloud hung over their heads. 

It never lasted too long. But that was before Matthew actually started sending something other than a blank 'happy birthday'. Antonio had learnt how to handle that but this was new territory.

"We can, it might be helpful," Antonio sighed. "Since it came today, it might just be Matthew explaining why he left? That's probably not so bad."

"I hope so," Gilbert muttered. "I hope he says something about us."

Antonio just shrugged, knowing that it was unlikely that Matthew would address anyone besides his brothers. Well - it wasn't impossible. Maybe Matthew had something to say about someone else and wanted to call out everyone for things that happened.

While Antonio was curious if he was to be blamed for anything, he wasn't haunted by thoughts of being responsible or having the potential to have prevented it. Antonio didn't have that much to do with Matthew. Unlike Gilbert.

His friend always put up a strong front, never letting anything show that it bothered him and never allowing for the speculation that he was weak. But Antonio knew better. Gilbert was soft on the inside and sometimes the 'what ifs' lingered for longer than he liked...

The second the engine was turned off, Gilbert ripped the keys out and darted inside. Antonio said nothing about his friend's desperation as he followed and shut the front door.

He could immediately see Francis and Alfred, both in the living room with the American curled up on his partner's lap while texting something on his phone. Francis was patting his hair like one would stroke a cat and perked up when he saw his friends.

"You called?" Gilbert suggestively leaned on the wall. 

"Well... I can't say no to the assistance of handsome men like yourselves," Francis pursed his lips and raked his eyes up and down them.

"Dude, did you seriously hire strippers to cheer me up?" Alfred laughed, his smile starting to show. "Naww babe, you shouldn't have."

"Only the best for you, mon cher~"

"Sorry Al," Antonio chuckled. "It's not you we're here to cheer up. You already have someone in your corner for that."

"Booooo," Alfred whined. He made a show of crossing his arms and almost dropped his phone in the process. "You guys are teases."

"That's right! We're here for your brother," Gilbert grinned and lifted his shirt to show a sliver of pale skin. "Hopefully a little bit of this makes him feel better."

"Where is he?" Antonio glanced around but evidently, Arthur wasn't in either the living room or kitchen.

"He's not passed out drunk, is he?" Gilbert sighed and flexed. "How's he going to appreciate all of this if he's just wasted?"

"Arthur's in his office," Francis sighed. "He wants to work and who am I to stop him?"

"I'd drag him out here but that's probably not the right thing to do," Alfred sighed. "I really don't know what to do."

Francis resumed patting Alfred's hair with a sympathetic sigh.

"He's working?" Gilbert put his hands on his hips. "Then it seems he's alright!"

"He's stubborn." Francis gave him a disapproving look. "He definitely isn't okay."

"Yeah, he's fucked," Alfred added.

"I'll handle it." Antonio wanted to defuse the situation and ensure the couple didn't have to worry about this. Especially with a secret proposal on the horizon. "Maybe we can just float around and make sure he isn't too stressed. Maybe he'll want tea?"

"What do ya mean 'maybe'," Alfred chuckled. "Just... you'll try and do your secret mission, won't you? Cus like... it just sucks because I know he can be better."

"I will do my very best!" Antonio nodded. "But I can't push too hard. If he's anything like Lovi..."

"Yeah, cus you're so awesome at dealing with Lovi," Gilbert snorted.

"I am!" Antonio insisted and Gilbert put his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, okay!" He turned to the couple on the couch. "Later, handsome."

As Antonio followed Gilbert through the house, he heard Alfred's faint voice, "He was obviously talking to me," making him chuckle.

When they came to the office door, Gilbert swung it open and strode right in. Arthur jumped and twisted around, his face morphing into irritation.

"Oh, splendid. You're here." He sighed and turned back around to his desk. "I'm busy. Disturb me later, would you?"

"We're not gonna do that," Gilbert leaned against Arthur's desk and Antonio noticed the man coil up and lean away. "We're here to distract you and give you a good time!"

"Not exactly my idea of a good time," Arthur muttered. "Can you leave me be for the meantime? I'm trying to work."

"We can't do that," Antonio shook his head. "We have to make sure you're alright! How about we bring you a cup of tea and you take a break?"

"I'm fine. I'm working, aren't I?" Arthur huffed. "And I'll make my own tea, thank you very much. I wouldn't want you to waste a perfectly good teabag brewing it wrong."

"Okay okay, we get it, you're a workaholic," Gilbert laughed. "If you won't let us make you tea we'll just make you make it yourself."

"That won't be necessary," Arthur picked up the mug sitting on his desk, "I just-"

Gilbert smirked as he pulled Arthur's chair out with him it in.

"Do you mind?!" Arthur growled and shuffled his chair back in. "Really, that's just-"

Gilbert did it again and Antonio couldn't laugh. Not when he knew this wasn't helping the situation. But before he could say anything, Arthur abruptly stood and stared them down.

"Why can't I just have a peaceful day? I can't believe I thought I could be mature and move on in peace and try to recover what's left of my day. Of course others have to make that impossible. Of fucking course!" Arthur growled as he pointed right in Gilbert's face. "This is what I get! Alfred gets an angel who babies him and dotes on him and clearly feels guilty that I have no one and so he sends you two in to torment me!" 

Arthur gestured roughly to himself. "I'm fine. I said I'm fine. It boggles my mind that you won't take my words at face value! Do you know how belittling it is to not be listened to! I want you to believe me!" He pointed to his desk as his volume climbed. "I'm working! I'm functioning! I'm not reduced to a sodding pile of tears on the floor so clearly, I'm doing just fine! And why would I be reduced to tears when I am so very clearly past what has happened in the past! I'm insulted that Francis called in reinforcements just to manage me when I can manage myself!"

Gilbert was fighting to keep a smile on his face after that as his hands lingered in the air nervously.

"Hey. We're just trying to help-"

"Well I don't want it." Arthur shoved his chair in and Antonio winced as it clattered harshly. "Don't need it. Now excuse me."

Arthur brushed past them as he went to leave the office.

"Arthur! Amigo-" Antonio put his hand on his shoulder only to have it shrugged off.

"I understand you're coming from a place of good intention," Arthur said, voice measured. "But I'm capable of regulating myself, thank you very much. Now, I'm going to take a shower because there's a lock on that door and I trust neither of you have the guts to pick it."

Then Arthur left, leaving Gilbert rubbing his hands with a strained expression of guilt and Antonio feeling like a terrible friend.

"That didn't go well..." Antonio sighed. "I don't think we can cheer him up now..."

"I didn't mean to scare him off!" Gilbert threw his hands up. "I just-! Well I wanted to act like normal so he wouldn't feel so annoyed!"

"He's sensitive... like Lovi," Antonio lamented. "Maybe we should've planned an approach. We can't always wing things like we always do..."

"This can still work out," Gilbert announced. "We'll just have to scheme an awesome plan and then Arthur will be back to normal in no time!"

"That's right, we should just stay positive." Antonio nodded along. "We'll think of what to do while Arthur is in the shower and maybe he'll feel better afterwards so it'll be easier."

"Do you think we should have a look at the letter?" Gilbert suggested. "Just so we know what we're dealing with! Francis has sent us in blind and that's not really awesome."

Antonio sighed. He didn't really want to read the letter and he didn't want Gilbert to read it if he didn't have to. That felt too violating and Antonio always listened to his heart. But,

"Maybe. If we ask Francis he could tell us the main parts of what it says and then we'll know why Arthur's so upset."

"Exactly!"

Antonio nodded. Walking into this house, his first priority had been to push therapy. But now he didn't have it in him to force therapy down Arthur's throat. Not when it was hardly the pressing issue. Therapy would definitely be good for him... in the long run. Something that could be sorted out after they were through this storm. For now, Antonio just wanted to make Arthur feel better now. 

⊱֍⊰

Arthur knew he slammed the bathroom door with more force than necessary, but he didn't care. For just a brief moment, it too the edge off and felt right.

Not that he was really on edge. If he was, it was because those two twits had shown up and just started bothering him!

He slid the lock into place and not a moment later there was a knock on the door. Arthur grit his teeth as something inside him coiled and was ready to rip into whoever was on the other side. Screaming at them was the least they deserved.

"Fucking what?" He demanded while glaring at the door.

"It's me," Francis said. "Ah, just letting you know that I'm going to accompany Al to his therapist appointment..."

"Right, I see what you're saying." Arthur scoffed and ran a hand through his hair, yanking at the strands. "Well, at least you're not staying here to gang up on me, like everyone else. Go off then, go baby and spoil Al like everyone else does."

Francis made a reluctant noise of obviously not knowing what to say and Arthur just wanted him to leave.

"Go on, sit in on his appointment and listen to how Alfred spills everything to you because he's so good at articulating every fleeting thought and you feed into it because it's entertaining!"

"I don't sit in on his appointments!" Francis defended. "I don't pressure him into telling me anything. Al tells me what he likes and it's never been entertainment for me!"

Arthur knew that. He really did. But he just couldn't stop himself from saying it. A wave of frustration washed through him and he was speaking before thinking once again.

"Thank God the eneshment isn't complete, then."

"Arthur," Francis sighed and it just made him want to bang his head against a wall. After a moment, Francis muttered, "I'm going to go..."

Arthur bit his tongue and pressed his hand to his face. He didn't mean to lash out like that and speak so rudely but he couldn't stop himself. He did it because he wanted to and acting any other way was unthinkable. Now on top of thinking about how he's wronged Matthew, he was going to have to worry about how he just acted hostile towards Francis. Someone who was very prominent in his life and was going to only become more involved after Alfred proposed. And his younger brother was probably going to hear about how Arthur acted towards his future fiance and have something to say about it. 

What a shit show. It only made him more frustrated and knowing how his unrest would be taken as 'not being okay' by the twats still left in the house, made him more frustrated!

He grunt as he stripped down and tossed his clothes on the nearby bench. Hopefully a warm shower would help and he was itching to clean the sweat from his skin.

When he stepped in the shower, he didn't care to scrub. Knowing the water would wash it off anyway, he didn't bother to do anything besides just stare at the wall and think. The more water poured down and drowned out the sound of his own breathing, the farther away everything sounded.

Arthur knew he was ruminating but thinking thoughts at least felt like doing something and it felt like progression. It was comfortable and had to be done and there was no better place to be. To hell with the water bill, just this once he could be irresponsible like Alfred got to be all the time.

It was annoying that no one was listening to him and trying to project their feelings onto him. Reading into his every action and facial expression like they were hoping to find something was frustrating.

He was okay.

He was an adult and he had everything under control, feelings included. He didn't need the endless support Alfred seemed to have.

Arthur pressed his hands to his face as he leaned against the cold tiles of the shower cubicle. Then he gave into his inner desire to slump on the wall and slide to the floor.

It wasn't something he indulged in often and he knew he should be expecting to sit there for a while but he didn't have the foresight to think about what would happen later, not when he was actively getting worked up thinking.

It was obvious it was okay because he was still functional! While Alfred was curled up in Francis' lap, Arthur cleaned the whole kitchen! Then he went to work because he wasn't going to compromise his income for anything. If he had the state of mind to be that organised instead of a wimpy mess, then he was fine!

But... he wasn't fine. At least not now, only because everyone had got him thinking and he just couldn't switch off!

He wasn't fine because now he was thinking about what Alfred had. His brother had Francis and no matter how much Arthur told himself he should be glad he doesn't have someone to bother him... was it so wrong he wanted someone dedicated to him too? Yet how could be believe that would ever happen? There had to be something wrong with him because he was always the butt of the group's jokes and his own brother fled from him. His own brother only sent him cards because having a relationship with him was just that unbearable. He was that unbearable! 

Of course Arthur was jealous of what Alfred and Francis had and how everyone's more supportive of Alfred because his twin is the one missing even though Matthew was still Arthur's brother! 

Still Arthur's brother, despite it all.

As warm water cascaded over his hunched back, Arthur wasn't oblivious to his own tears joining it in circling the drain...

How could he have made Matthew feel so unlovable?! How could he teach Matthew that he deserved to be dismissed?! He was angry while reading that card and yet he didn't fail to notice that Matthew was just as kind as he remembered. His youngest brother was caught up in making sure his horrible family weren't hurt by the very thing they caused.

He knew he shouldn't need a Francis equivalent to feel like he was worthy of love. Yet he craved it. He couldn't live without something loving because otherwise, how would he know he wasn't just being tolerated?!

Like how Matthew was just tolerating him until he couldn't anymore.

All he could do was just sit there and wish he could melt down and disappear into the drain too...

⊱֍⊰

Antonio and Gilbert didn't know what to do. Despite not being well acquainted with the feeling of 'awkwardness', that was the best word to use here.

They were now sitting alone on the living room couch as Alfred's car pulled out of the driveway. Francis had just told them that Arthur was 'really in a mood' and Antonio, despite being quite oblivious at times, was not oblivious to that. So Francis promised he'd keep Alfred out of the house for as long as possible so the brothers didn't have a nuclear-level fight with the tensions so high. Antonio definitely agreed that the last thing they needed was to not get along when they really needed each other.

"Hey, silver lining is this happened today," Gilbert shrugged as he kicked back on the couch. "Y'know, since he's going to get proposed to pretty soon."

Antonio just nodded. Hopefully things improved by then.

"So... what do we do now?" Gilbert raised an eyebrow. "We could get some video inspo while we wait around?"

"Oh! That reminds me! We should totally do a series where I teach you to cook amigo!"

Gilbert was receptive to the idea with a camera in the equation and they started getting really invested in hashing out the details. Antonio felt some weight come off his shoulders during the discussion because distracting himself with friends was the best medicine.

He just needed to find what worked with Arthur. During the entirety of the casual conversation, Antonio was just waiting for Arthur to come out of the bathroom. But he didn't. Even as time dragged on, there was no movement to be heard from behind that door. He didn't know if he should be concerned... well, he was. But he didn't know if he should act on it. 

Just when he thought maybe he should knock, he heard a knock at the front door.

"Could you imagine if it was the post with another letter? That would suck." Gilbert joked as he jumped up to answer it, grinning when he saw who it was. "Feli! Just in time! I was getting hungry."

Antonio jumped up and ushered him inside when he saw the dish he was holding.

"Oh? That was really quick! Feli, you didn't have to bring anything over, really!"

"But I wanted to and now everyone can eat it and taste it was made with love!"

"Of course, that's the most important ingredient!" Antonio pulled Feliciano into a doting hug.

"Can we cut this up now? Cus I don't think Arthur's gonna come out any time soon and I'll whither away if I have to wait," Gilbert grumbled and Feliciano laughed.

"Of course you can! Maybe the others can come from the car and join us?"

Before anyone could question the meaning of that, Antonio received nearly ten texts in quick succession and Gilbert received exactly one.

"It's Lud," Gilbert laughed. "They're waiting in the car and he's annoyed we forgot to text about the situation. Lemme tell him that it's not my awesome memory at fault but just that we got caught up being awesome friends."

"Yeah, Lovi's telling me that he stayed in the car to pressure Feli into hurrying up," Antonio grinned. "I'll go say hi."

Antonio shielded his eyes with his hand as he stepped outside and met the warmth of the summer sun. He could see Ludwig's car parked in the driveway with the window rolling down. Antonio stuck his head in and greeted him with a smile.

"Gilbert says it's a work in progress," Ludwig stated as a greeting.

"I guess so," Antonio shrugged. "I'm optimistic. Arthur might feel like shit now but I'm sure we can cheer him up!"

"It's fucking bad, isn't it?" Lovino huffed from the back seat with crossed arms and Antonio withheld a chuckle. His poor baby brother delegated to the third wheel... he'd have to cheer him up later and make him feel special.

"Yeah, but it's okay. We'll stay here for as long as it takes."

"That's commendable," Ludwig nodded.

"Tch," Lovino shook his head. "Just do whatever Arthur wants and he'll feel better. Well, what he really wants because he won't tell you. He's probably a pussy."

Antonio thought about it as he considered what Lovino said. Arthur was guarded and Antonio would have to try and read him to figure him out. Why did he have a feeling Lovino wasn't just speaking for Arthur.

"You're so wise," Antonio leaned in and used the driver's control to put Lovino's window down. His brother made a noise of alarm but wasn't able to put the window up before Antonio reached in. 

"Yeah. I am. Now go focus on Arthur, not me!" Lovino leaned away, finger threateningly on the window button, intent on putting it up with Antonio in the way or not.

"Well, you'll tell him we said hi, right?" Feliciano chirped as he skipped back out with Gilbert in tow. 

"Aww come on, you can say something more interesting than that," Gilbert smirked. "We'll think of something interesting and say you said it."

"Okay!" Feliciano gave a thumbs up while Lovino facepalmed. "Now we've gotta go home and make a new lasagna! Do you want to help again Lovi?"

"Got fucking nothing else to do," Lovino muttered, shoving Antonio back and putting the window up before making a point of locking the door. "Drive now potato bastard."

"Alright," Ludwig sighed, giving Antonio a brief wave with his hands on the wheel. "Keep us updated."

"Yep! Drive safe!" Gilbert grinned while Antonio waved.

⊱֍⊰

Arthur still didn't come out for some time, but Antonio figured he'd come out when he wanted to and until then he wouldn't want to be disturbed. It was difficult to remind himself not to push, because that's how Antonio felt most helpful. But he wasn't one to rush and they did have all day.

"I'm so glad I stole this," Gilbert snickered as he unplugged the power bank and tossed it onto the couch next to them.

"They would've had a charger here," Antonio added with amusement as he checked his own phone, sighing when he saw texts from Alfred.

There were a lot of suggestions for how to make Arthur consider therapy, what words to use to plant the seed of the idea and such. Antonio sighed when he saw it.

"What?" Gilbert draped himself over Antonio to have a look.

"It's Alfred... he won't give up on the therapy idea."

"Well if he's so determined to make Arthur go to therapy then tell him it's his problem," Gilbert scoffed. "As awesome as we are, if we keep pushing it then Arthur's just gonna yell at us."

"Yeah, but I don't want to let him down," Antonio muttered as he thought. It came to him pretty quickly so he sent a text back.

Sorry I really want to help and try to talk him into it but I just cant do it today. It'll only make things worse :(

Just when Alfred replied with a text of over apologising and understanding, he heard a door open. Gilbert sat up with a face of anticipation and pointed just in case Antonio missed it.

But of course Antonio didn't miss it, nor did he miss how Arthur was eerily quiet when he came into the living room. There was no yelling or snapping or confrontational expressions, just a blank face and almost... defeated aura.

Arthur walked into the kitchen, and Gilbert and Antonio quickly followed.

"What's this?" Arthur casually pointed to the lasagna sitting on the bench.

"Feli brought it over!" Antonio quickly explained. "Is it okay there? Do you want me to move it?"

"No, it's fine. Pass on my thanks."

"Do you want any?" Gilbert asked.

"Not particularly."

"Oh, come on!" Gilbert pressed in a 'you know you want to' tone. But he backtracked when Antonio shook his head. "Actually, that's okay! Did you want to eat anything else?" 

"I don't really feel like eating," Arthur replied politely.

"What about drinking?" Antonio knew he shouldn't push but he really wanted to try and make the situation a little better.

"I suppose..." Arthur sighed as his eyes settled on the kettle but didn't move. "If only to mark the time of day." 

With the Brit not looking at him, Gilbert shrugged to communicate he didn't know what the hell that meant. Antonio shrugged back, knowing Gilbert would probably understand if it was beer.

But then he had an idea and grabbed the kettle.

"How about you teach me how to make tea?" He suggested brightly as he filled it up. The effect was immediate.

"Implying you don't know how to make tea?!" Arthur's incredulous gaze snapped to the Spaniard.

"Uh, no no," Antonio chuckled, realising his mistake. "I mean, could you teach me to make it the way you like it?"

Arthur just gave him a strange look he didn't know how to read before the Brit shrugged noncommittally.

"I suppose I can. Would either of you like anything to drink? Do not ask for beer," Arthur gave Gilbert a pointed look, making him chuckle.

"I can go to the shops later," Gilbert snickered.

"Coffee?" Antonio asked. He didn't really need it, but he knew if Arthur supplied it he'd feel a bit better.

"Sure."

When the kettle boiled, Antonio listened to Arthur rattle on about the art of tea making while nodding supportively. It was relatively interesting, if only because of Arthur's passion for describing it. Still, he knew it would all be forgotten soon enough.

After watching Arthur's tutorial on how to make the ideal cup of tea, Antonio managed to convince him to sit in the backyard with his mug because it was such a nice day out. When the three of them say under the shade and in the soft breeze, the atmosphere felt genuinely lighter.

It made Antonio happy to make others happy. And he could feel from the ease of conversation that Arthur was feeling better than before.

"Man, it's so awesome out here," Gilbert commented as he slumped in his seat. "Come on, there's no way you actually wanna work today? We should totally play football."

"At least we'd be on the same page of what 'football' is," Arthur rolled his eyes while sipping on his tea. "Whenever Alfred remembers 'soccer' gets a visceral reaction from me... no." Arthur put his tea down with a sigh. "No... the last thing I need to do is relax because there are things that have to be done, you know. Tasks around the house and such and I'd like them done soon before everything goes down in what, three days time?"

"Well did you need us to do anything? We can do it with you and then you can relax!" Antonio offered. 

"You understand the risk of me taking you up on that offer and actually putting you to work, right?" Arthur raised an eyebrow before changing his face to something more sincere. "Well, you're under no obligation to do any of that-"

"Exactly right," Gilbert crossed his arms before smiling. "But we'll do it anyways. If we all do it we might have some fun."

Instead of talking Arthur out of it and into slothing around the backyard - which would've been Antonio's ideal way to spend the day, he decided to indulge Arthur. Antonio hasn't worked out exactly what the Brit really wanted. Working out what Lovino really wanted is easy because Antonio lives with him and knew him so well. Lovino uses harsh words because he can't deal with people reading his emotions for what they are - fragile and real. He's afraid of being vulnerable.

Arthur was probably similar but Antonio didn't want to assume they're the same. That would offend them both. But still, he had a working theory in his head and something inside him was really driving him to work it out. One day.

It wasn't long until Arthur was completely distracted and he wasn't the only one.

"Oh scheisse," Gilbert cackled and pulled out his phone. "We could probably text Francis to come back now."

"Oh don't tell me, they went on a date?" Arthur rolled his eyes but there was a fond look in them.

"You know how he is, he loves treating Al," Antonio just shrugged, not wanting to reveal his friend's real motivation.

"Tell me about it," Arthur shook his head. "As if they won't be having plenty of time to themselves in just a few short days..."

⊱֍⊰

Arthur didn't know how to feel about his friends. Conflicted was the best word even though his friends had been very consistent through it all.

Antonio had brought him a mug of tea before bedtime and Arthur... well, he didn't ask for it. He had thought that Antonio asking earlier had just been performative and meant to stay in that moment - something to try and calm him down then and never be used again. But here he was, not doing it out of pity or obligation but just genuinely being nice.

Arthur didn't know why it was so hard to accept help or kindness. But he was smart so he didn't need therapy to work it out.

Francis had dragged Alfred off to bed early and he didn't know if it was for Alfred's sake, or if he had worn out Francis while out on their date. Anything was possible.

Including the possibility Francis was avoiding him.

Arthur... felt like avoiding Francis when he came back, but he didn't. Nothing really happened between them after that and it felt like things were normal, but Arthur knew better.

He knew he should talk to Francis, clear the air. He knew he had a deadline too, because with Alfred's upcoming proposal, Arthur didn't want to overshadow that afterwards. Nope, he'd be mature and get it out now. 
Perhaps through drafting a message...

But he didn't want to do it here and now, not when he was currently sandwiched between two invaders who thought that they were too good for the couch.

At least no one could question the content of Arthur's heart. Honestly...

Well if he was being honest, despite his annoyances, he didn't want to kick the two pests out of his bed. It didn't make for comfortable sleeping arrangements at all but he couldn't bring himself to reclaim any space by making them go away.

At least their presence here wasn't terrible. Having decided Antonio was the lesser of two evils, Arthur was lying facing him and it was only after a declaration of Gilbert being unable to sleep that Arthur realised the downside to turning his back on that devil.

"Guess what I'm writing," Gilbert whispered into the dark room as he dragged a finger along Arthur's back.

"Fuck off," Arthur muttered.

"Nope!" Gilbert giggled. "Guess again."

Arthur just elbowed him and found satisfaction in the resulting noise. At least it got a laugh from Antonio.

Being in a dark room, the silence was almost too loud to be vulnerable. The thought of apologising to them for his unbecoming behaviour now crossed his mind but he couldn't bring himself to speak.

He froze up when Antonio flopped an arm over him and before he could squeak out a question the Spaniard's tired voice was telling Gilbert to stop it and go to sleep. Arthur still found himself holding his breath even once Antonio retracted his arm. And apparently his friend noticed because he was mumbling an ask of what was wrong while touching Arthur's shoulder.

Arthur quickly said he was fine but he didn't know if Antonio believed him or not, especially when the hand slid over his shoulder to wrap around him!

He let out a shaky breath as he tried to consider why he felt so nervous about the casual touch. He had no reason to feel embarrassed because Antonio certainly wasn't and most likely came from a culture or environment where the disregard for someone's personal space was normal.

Arthur couldn't help but think of the last time he had been held, which had been by Antonio then. Now that he thought about it, his friend had been a lot more touchy since the night he slept over - Alfred's birthday party. Arthur certainly hadn't minded physical comfort then but it wasn't the most pressing thing on his mind when he had been drowning in misery.

And if he was being completely honest with himself... it was thrilling. Somewhere deep down he was relishing that he didn't have to humiliate himself with asking.

So he said nothing and resolved to push aside his discomfort. Because somehow he still found comfort in it and it was like a starving man at a buffet - after being so starved, one could only eat a little or they'd be sick from the very thing they needed to survive.

Morbid metaphor, but Arthur couldn't help but overthink. Even when it was impossible to keep his eyes open, the one thing that wouldn't shut down was his brain.

Chapter Text

Staring at the ceiling in a dark and quiet room was starting to get old. Alfred was beyond exhausted but even as he lay there, tucked up against familiar arms, he just couldn't switch his mind off. His entire body was painfully rigid from trying to fall asleep and not disturb Francis, but all that did was leave him aching.

Eventually, he decided, fuck this and rolled out of bed very carefully. Just because he was cursed to be awake at 2 in the morning, didn't mean he had to curse Sleeping Beauty with the same fate. Especially when Francis would lament about his lost 'beauty sleep' to all who would listen and make him feel like a bad guy.

Alfred stretched as he thought about what he should do, withholding a groan as his muscles instantly felt better. Strangely enough, he didn't feel like doom scrolling... likely because deep down, he already felt a pull towards what he wanted to do.

He sat at his desk, turning on the overhead lamp and quietly grabbing Matthew's book from the shelf. It was a familiar weight and flipping through the pages brought him comfort. Once he landed on a blank page, he reached for a pen and locked in.

Alfred just trailed off when he didn't know what else to say. He could continue it another time and at least closing the journal brought him a sense of finality that allowed him to breathe. Somehow, it really did feel like he had a pen pal and everything about this was normal. Alfred didn't linger on the thought as he slipped the journal back in place and sagged back into his chair with a sigh.

He didn't feel like going to bed just yet. Even though he knew it was more comfortable than the chair, that meant standing up and he wasn't prepared for that kind of commitment... A flash of something crossed his mind and he took a mental note to bring up to Tino how he felt kind of annoyed that something was getting in the way of him proposing... 

Alfred supposed that was the fire inside him and smiled. When he glanced back at the bed and saw Francis' mop of silky hair from under the covers, he couldn't resist joining. Alfred turned off the lamp and silently crawled under the covers, hyper aware of each moment even in the dark. He sighed as he lay down next to Francis and closed his eyes... before opening them again because he couldn't resist his phone. Good thing Francis wore an eye mask because then Alfred could justify being inconsiderate and not caring about the phone's brightness.

Tino said he should try and build a hobby to replace doomscrolling. Something about making him do intentional activities and Alfred agreed. He thought he'd take up shooting because guns were pretty cool. But he couldn't go to a range at this time of night so his phone it was. There were worse things to be addicted to. It was obvious what Arthur was addicted to. Just one look at his teeth would tip anyone off. Arthur needed two things, therapy and a dentist.

Okay, Arthur's teeth weren't that bad... Alfred sighed with amusement as he unlocked his phone and blinded himself with the wall of notifications he had neglected because the day had just been that eventful. Shit, maybe he should sort those out first.

He started scrolling through the wall of text to see what was there. There was a weather notification for the next day's temperature... pokemon go... a couple of emails... texts from friends...

Most of those texts were just memes being sent so he figured he could check those out later. But for now... he spied a text from his Canadian friend. Lonelymapleleaf had texted him but Alfred didn't reply. Which was a little out of character for him but he figured that the expansion of missing brother lore would probably get him a get out of jail free card. Not that he could picture his kindly and understanding friend getting all up in arms anyway.

lonelymapleleaf
Today Aug 28th 9:04 am I hate to say it but your guess was educated... just please don't look for any further information about me. I'm a private person and it makes me anxious and paranoid because of my own experiences. I assume you'll say you understand and make some kind of joke about me having a secret identity, and you wouldn't be too far off the mark.
Also, thanks for the birthday surprise! I really do appreciate it. I've never had a birthday surprise before so thanks for making this birthday special. I loved the cake and that's definitely an educated guess that paid off. Please thank Francis for me too!
Today Aug 28th 9:49 am Is everything okay Alfred?
I'm not being nosey, I just notice patterns. I know you say you're addicted to your phone and you call yourself chronically online so I can only imagine the worst when you're not readily available like always
Today Aug 28th 10:25 am I know I seem frantic and I promise I'm not, I get there's a big possibility that you're doing something today and you would've mentioned it. But given that today is an important day for you I just wanted to check in.

lonelymapleleaf
Today Aug 29th 2:18 am I guess you're a mindreader because I'd definitely say something like that
dw dude I'm not gonna hunt you down. I'm a chilly guy (most the time) and I like our friendship how it is so I'm not gonna force more out of you that you don't wanna share
also I'm glad you enjoyed the cake I'm gonna make Francis make one that's the same so I can try it cus maple and pecan sounds banger
Today Aug 29th 2:023 am Something happened today
Well yesterday if you wanna be like umm acktually ☝🤓
But yeah its kinda creepy but you called it something did happen
im just working up how to tell you cus its based on my lore
my brother sent an actual letter today instead of a postcard so we've just been going over that and stuff. it was pretty rough but at the end of the day everyone was mostly okay
it's not really a big deal but it's being coped with yk? I got into see my therapist so im ahead of the game unlike arthur but i think toni's warming him up
he's currently warming him up rn 😉😉😉
okay that doesnt mean anything gross ahaha im just being annoying and Arthur probably thinks Toni's fucking annoying cus he insisted on a sleepover so he and gil and artie are all squashed in that bed lmao
I probably shouldve offered to spoon him cus he is my brother and the others couldve slept in my bed but oh well cest la vie i didn't think of that until now womp womp
Imma stop rambling since youre not awake and gonna wake up to this wall of text

With nothing else to do besides doomscroll, Alfred was going to roll over and go to bed but before he turned his phone off, something caught his attention. Lonelymapleleaf had posted. He vaugle remembered the Canadian saying he would and there was no way Alfred wasn't going to check that out.

It was a slide with a few photos from each stage of the trip. Not much, as clearly lonelymapleleaf wanted to save content for later but still enough to get Alfred hooked. It was posted that morning but Alfred didn't see it for... obvious and hopefully excusable reasons. Better late than never, right?

At least now he could actually appreciate them because holy shit did it look good. Like, not even phone background level good, but windows spotlight worthy good! Like, he needed a print on his actual wall level good!

Alfred internally sighed that his Canadian friend was, well, Canadian. If only he was American. Alfred would steal every single photo and save it right on his phone. Actually, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that wasn't the case otherwise he'd have no phone storage and every single time the photographer uploaded, Alfred would change his phone background.

The last slide, however, was not a photo. It was something that lonelymapleleaf must've drawn himself.

In the centre of the artwork was a man, or presumably a man. He didn't have much human-like details about him. He had wide eyes but no mouth and overall was just more of an outline if anything. But what was in explicit detail was his organs. The man held his chest open, peeling his skin back with his hands as if he were a flasher of some sort. But instead of the confidence one would picture from a flasher, this man had an air of vulnerability and skittishness to him. Inside, everything could be seen. His beating heart was right in the centre of focus.

The artwork was from someone else's point of view as they faced this man. The only thing seen of this second person was their hand, poised as if they were a playable character in a video game, holding a needle and thread. Almost framing the man between them.

Alfred didn't know exactly what lonelymapleleaf was trying to say with it... but he knew exactly what he read from it. He could feel it within his own beating heart...

Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable right? Something like that... When Alfred looked at it, all he could see was himself, open and raw and begging for someone to fix him... but not just anyone. Someone specific, someone who isn't here anymore.

He saw himself and there was no moment of everything falling into place, but rather a moment of reflection as he realised he was twenty-five and definitely not the same person he was at eighteen. He had developed and he had to stop picturing himself as helpless and hopeless as when everything went wrong seven years ago. 

Maybe he didn't need Tino to analyse Matthew's artwork. It could help, to have an outside perspective. But Alfred really had matured and he could probably come to his own conclusions now. Especially when he had learned to understand the tangled threads of emotion inside him and could see it in others all around him.

His screen dimmed to turn off and that brought him back to the present. He swiped away from the art to go over the photos again.

After consuming every single photo and burning the images into his retinas, Alfred wondered if he should comment. That would definitely show his support and give his Canadian friend something exciting to wake up to. But before he could even formulate a comment, his eye caught the caption.

Alfred sighed with an empty eye roll. Stupid Canadian friend making him do so much thinking at like 2am, gone wrong gone sexual! But since he had read it he still mulled it over and had to admit, it was a little inspiring.

And... highly applicable to his life when he really thought about it. He had to move on from the past and keep moving forward. Alfred knew exactly how to do that and it started with proposing.

And probably not going over Matthew's artwork in extreme detail and getting upset when he notices the sad details. Maybe he will just leave it. It wasn't something he needed to torment himself with or he'd be time-travelling into the past, roaming through the nuances as if they could change when he had come to accept they couldn't.

All that mattered was the proposal and it would open up not a chapter - but a whole book where he could start anew. Everything was in place, lined up just where it needed to be.

It started with a reservation at a rooftop restaurant with a stunning view and bar. Alfred had already researched the menu with Antonio's assistance and they both agreed that Francis would like it and maybe even find inspiration from it. It was a high-end establishment, after all. Pun intended. The food menu wasn't the only thing he expected the Frenchman would like, Alfred was looking forward to Francis seeing the drinks menu... even if his wallet did not.

Good thing people only proposed once. Ideally, of course. Alfred knew how to budget because he was smort and you did not want to know how much he put aside for tonight...

They'd have dinner as the sun set over the city and a live band entertained the establishment. By the time they had finished eating the main course, Alfred would excuse himself to the bathroom to revise the proposal script he'd have in his pocket. The French proposal script that lonelymapleleaf had helped with because his online friend was the GOAT. Then he'd be back in time for desert and Francis would be completely oblivious.

Well, he'd probably question why Alfred was taking him out to eat at a place like this, but Alfred already had an excuse on hand. It would be plausible but he knew there'd be no fooling Francis. Francis would 100% have caught onto his intentions from the very beginning but it wasn't like he knew when Alfred was going to ask the question, so at least that part was still a surprise!

So after desert Alfred would say that there's something sweeter on his tongue than the food they just consumed. Francis would be prompted to say "and what would that be?" and then Alfred would do it. He would bust out his best French pronunciation and get on one knee.

Obviously Francis would say yes and then Alfred would order another of whatever drink Francis wanted so he could make a super gay toast before turning to Gilbert and Antonio. That would reveal that they had been there the whole time and Francis would be shocked to see that his friends had been recording and taking pictures of the whole thing, each in super convincing disguises. 

Afterwards he would take Francis to a nice hotel by a bar that he knew had live music going on, giving them a nice atmospheric backdrop in the solitude of their room. He'd carry Francis bridal style and everything, showing off his strength before they make the most of having a hotel room ~

That's right. They were going to use up all the hot water because they'd have an unlimited supply without Arthur complaining. Freaky~

Then at the very end Alfred would reveal he had gotten the French proposal script printed nicely with the intention of sticking it on his mirror. Sure, his collection was somewhat similar to a teenager's room with a collage of photos stuck on the wall, but Alfred wasn't opposed to that at all. In fact, he liked the aesthetic. He just might have to make his own wall with photos of all the important people in his life... past and present.

In short, the proposal plan was nothing short of perfect. He just really hoped it panned out perfectly too... thinking about how the execution could go wrong made his stomach tremble. Alfred could probably recount the whole plan in his sleep. He was just counting down the days and no matter what, he'd be going through with it because he was ready to write some more chapters of his life and take things to the next level.

Alfred's eyes were starting to burn so he forced himself to put the phone down for the night. It scared him to think that his excessive screen time would fuck up his eyes just as bad as the Italian twins' grandfather. Given that he was a big twenty-five year old, he probably should start being responsible and looking after himself.

Yikes, why did his inner voice sound so much like Arthur? Begone.

Alfred blinked the stinging away as he lightly reached out to find Francis and hold him against him. He felt nothing but content and... excited. He couldn't wait to go through with this awesome plan despite being fucking terrified. But he knew he couldn't let Francis down, or their friends down, or even Arthur down. And most of all, Alfred couldn't let himself down. Because he deserved to dream, dammit! He wanted better for himself so he was going to protect that flame no matter what. He had to keep clawing his way forward. 

Chapter Text

Arthur was a man of habit. He never snoozed his alarm and was out of bed at the same time every morning. He'd make his bed, open the blinds, change out of his pyjamas into something presentable, before finally leaving his bedroom to turn the kettle on. He'd find the mug he used every morning and hang a teabag off the rim while he set the milk on the counter, ready to use. Then, as the kettle began to simmer, he'd unlock the front door and step outside to check the letterbox.

With both he and Alfred working at home, something he hoped Alfred's therapist didn't read into because there was simply nothing to it, Arthur saw it necessary to check the letterbox regularly for work-related reasons.

Of course there once was a time, many years ago, when he would habitually check it for non-work-related reasons...

Which would be for the paper, of course. Only the paper...

But now he just did it like any other chore and tried to convince himself he didn't hate it. Tried to bargain with himself that it was beneficial. That at least he'd be getting outside of the dreary house and getting some sunlight. That he took it upon himself because of the benefits and duty, not because he couldn't trust Alfred to remember without a notification on his phone, or have Francis do it. The Frenchman didn't even legally reside here! 

Bloody freeloader.

So Arthur resolved himself to stepping outside, already feeling the heat on his skin as he meandered to the letterbox. When he opened it he saw there was a single letter, and as he pulled it out to inspect it he began to tense up.

Because having been pulling mail from this letterbox for years, Arthur usually knew what to expect and this, was out of the ordinary.

And out of the ordinary usually meant-

But he forced himself to breathe in. Because after a quick glance, he could see there was a return address. The air flooded his lungs as he felt his brain refuel on oxygen with each breath. 

And most importantly, he didn't recognise the handwriting.

That should teach him a lesson about jumping to conclusions. He prided himself on being logical, unlike his emotional brother, and yet here he was. At least Alfred wasn't here to say anything snide about it.

Bloody hell, he hated this. Himself, for becoming so fidgety over nothing.

There was a return address... from Cuba? Arthur rolled his eyes. Either it was a wrong address situation or it was for Alfred, who hadn't given Arthur any indication that he should expect something like this in the mail. Very highly likely the latter, considering the one thing he could expect from his brother was the unexpected.

Who knows, maybe his brother made another online friend? Arthur figured he'd have to ask.

Alfred was in his room, still in bed. Presumably alone, though it was too dark to see how many lumps were under the covers. But given that Francis hadn't been there last night and neither of them had the ability or consideration to sneak around, Arthur figured it was just his brother.

Who wasn't awake yet, much to Arthur's annoyance. He would've thought his brother would've been up before he was due to sheer excitement. It was too easy to picture Alfred bouncing around like a child on Christmas morning and disrupting Arthur's routine, yet here he was still in bed.

"Alfred, it's time to get up." Arthur opened up his brother's curtains, making him groan and roll over.

"Come on now, today's the day," Arthur grumbled as he yanked the covers off, leaving Alfred exposed to the cold. 

Alfred just grumbled a noise of disagreement and displeasure as he rolled to bury his face in the pillow and curl up more.

"I can't believe you, I would've thought you'd be bouncing off the wall with excitement by now."

"That's gonna be later," Alfred slurred. "Go away, you're not my Mom."

Arthur just sighed, pointedly, before choosing to change the topic. No doubt Arthur would hear enough about the proposal before, during, and after the event. In excruciating detail as Alfred recounted the play-by-play with the same amount of enthusiasm every time. As much as he put on a mask of exasperation, Arthur was actually proud of his brother and if he dared to say it - excited on his behalf. 

But not Francis' behalf.

And maybe deep down... not even for himself. He didn't want to think about what would change. But he would be fine. He would just keep on keeping on.

"Do you know anyone in Cuba?" Arthur crossed his arms, letter in hand.

"Fucking what?" Alfred mumbled as he rubbed his eyes, not expecting to be asked that.

"Okay..." Arthur rolled his eyes. "Are you expecting a letter from Cuba?"

"Fucking no?" Alfred turned to look at his brother, eyes almost squeezed shut with how hard he was squinting. "Why're you asking?"

"Okay... well," Arthur just sighed as he mumbled to himself, "it's not addressed to anyone here..."

He held the envelope up to double-check. It wasn't addressed to any individual... but it did have their address along with the sender's address. With only those two items, it did seem intentional.

"Lemme see," Alfred, clever enough to pick up on the context but not polite enough to refrain from his impulses, just snatched the letter from Arthur's hand. "I think we should just open it."

"That would be illegal if it isn't addressed to us," Arthur sighed in exasperation. "But by all means, as long as you deal with it appropriately. I'm sick of always taking on the mental load of sorting everything out."

"Okay!" Alfred chuckled sheepishly. "Sheesh, haven't you had your tea yet? I'm not saying that to be an ass either!"

Arthur waved a dismissive hand and turned to leave when Alfred grabbed his wrist and yanked him down to sit on the bed.

"Um, also sorry," Alfred pat Arthur's shoulder awkwardly. "Also if you ever wanna rant I'm here. I know the other day sucked... so..."

"That's putting it lightly," Arthur said dryly before sighing. "Look, I appreciate the sentiment but there's nothing to say. That letter is old news and now we just have to keep carrying on. Now, I'll be off to have my tea. Do you want me to start the coffee machine or are you going to go off to Francis' restaurant?"

"Oh, I'll definitely be going to see him~" Alfred smirked, as if he wasn't going to be seeing enough of him tonight. Just before Arthur could stand and make Alfred's hand fall away, his brother dug his fingers in.

"Wait, don'tcha wanna see me open this mystery mail?"

"I suppose," Arthur sighed and turned to face Alfred, who was propping himself up against the bed head as he ripped at the letter with fat fingers. It was painful to watch, because without a letter opener, there was no clean cut along the envelope seam... 

"Okay! Do you wanna place bets?" Alfred grinned, unbothered by the inconsistent ripping of the envelope like he had been trying to peel it.

"Not particularly." Truthfully, Arthur just wanted to get that cup of tea. 

"Fine, suit yourself. I bet it's a Nigerian prince kind of scam or something," Alfred laughed as he pulled out the paper inside and scanned it.

His laughing stopped as his eyes narrowed and slowed to take in every word.

"Well?" Arthur prompted. "Don't tell me you're actually right? Alfred..."

If it was a scam, Arthur knew that it had to be Alfred's fault. Who knew what kind of personal information Alfred was just advertising on the internet...

"Um... shit," Alfred stated as he turned the letter around, hand shaking. "It's Matthew's handwriting..."

"What?" Arthur snatched the letter to analyse it.

It was.

Was it? Arthur held it close to his face as he skimmed over the letter. Something pooled in his stomach, settling in heavy and making him feel nauseous.

It... was. Something inside him was tensing up again. Because this was something new.

Arthur swallowed thickly. It had been seven years... and now, when he least expected it, Matthew was extending an olive branch. Because it was an olive branch, it had to be. What else could this mean?

And just like for the best part of seven years, Arthur didn't know what to feel, let alone how to. This was only the beginning.

⊱֍⊰

Alfred could feel it. The lurch as the rollercoaster came to a tipping point. He knew he was slipping down the steep hill of obsession, but...

But he wanted it. His resolve was non-existent and he didn't want to stop this. He needed to jump into the deep end because the water was beautiful and it was the only way to cool off.

Maybe he should pinch himself, just to see if he was dreaming. But he knew he wasn't and he knew that right in front of him was the answer to all his unheard prayers.

Finally.

His breath was fluttering but that didn't matter.

Just like how what was a simple PO box meant everything because it was something.

After seven long years consumed by a hungry void... there was light at the end of the tunnel!

The others had to know.

Alfred scrambled for his phone. He couldn't unlock it fast enough. Rigid fingers refused to move as he jammed them against the screen and he was vaguely aware that Arthur was still in the room until he spoke.

"What are you doing?!" Arthur sounded choked. "We need to talk about this!"

"No shit we definitely will but- HEY!"

Arthur yanked his phone away. Alfred didn't hesitate to lunge at him.

"Dude! What are you doing! We need to tell everyone!"

"Not yet we don't!" Arthur protested, grunting as Alfred got rough. "Alfred, please! This is a family matter!"

"I know that but come on! You always say that and it isn't! We have to tell everyone!" Alfred used his strength to hold his brother's arm still and snatch his phone back. "We can't just leave them in the dark!"

"They shouldn't get a say in this!" Arthur cursed as he punched Alfred to make him let go, ripping his arm back with a glare the second Alfred flinched. "It's too important for anyone to come in with their impulsive suggestions!"

"The fuck are you talking about?!" Alfred pocketed his phone. He could send texts later, but right now he wanted to sort this shit out. "Do you think they're gonna tell us to do something stupid? Y'know we don't have to listen to them, right?"

"I don't think it," Arthur huffed, crossing his arms. "Look, this is an extremely delicate situation and I'm worried you'll give into their influence and make the wrong move."

"Dude, what?" Alfred just stared. "No- I'm texting them so they can be there for us! Tino said it takes a village and maybe I just want them around? Having people around makes me feel normal even when things are goin' on!" 

Arthur made a 'tch' sound and Alfred frowned harder as he raised his voice.

"Seriously, I'm not stupid! Obviously we're gonna figure out what to do together and not do anything that could ruin this! You're the one jumpin' to conclusions!"

"I'm not calling you stupid... I'm not calling anyone stupid..." Arthur sighed and glanced away. "I want the same thing you do. I want to see how this unfolds and if we can get any answers..."

"Which is why we need everyone on board because, seriously!" Alfred grinned wildly, his eyes a little too wide for comfort. He knew he was grasping at straws but he couldn't help it. "Fuck answers, we can scheme on how to get him back!"

"Alfred," Arthur just gave his brother a look of pity and grief. "Didn't you read his last letter? That was mere days ago! I doubt he would've changed his mind so fast."

"Okay, yeah, but come on-"

"He wants nothing to do with us!" Arthur asserted firmly. "We made him feel worthless! He hates himself because of us!"

Alfred didn't know if it was Arthur's tone or the words he was saying or both, but his throat was closing up and his glasses were getting foggy.

"...okay, yeah, I know that man," He crossed his arms tightly. "Maybe I just got my hopes up... I know he has a right to do what he wants and all..."

Arthur cleared his throat as he nodded and Alfred briefly glanced to see how watery his brother's eyes were before quickly glancing away.

He knew he should hug Arthur... but he couldn't bring himself to move. Somehow, acknowledging it was too intimidating. He didn't want to scare Arthur away. His brother put up a facade of being so mature and responsible and whatever, but Alfred knew it was fragile and he didn't want to see what would happen if it broke. Not when he was trying to keep himself in check too as long buried fantasies ran rampant in his mind.

"Exactly. Now who's jumping to conclusions? We cannot take this for granted," Arthur eventually said. "It's... fragile..."

"Yeah, I guess I support it if he wants nothing to do with us."

"Not nothing, look he sent this," Arthur held up the letter before clearing his throat again. "Please, let's just agree to cooperate... I don't want us to fight about this. Can we agree that anything we send back, we send together? I want everything proof-read before we send it... clearly he's open to communication and that's good." 

Alfred knew Arthur was just scared that Alfred would send something behind his back and ruin everything. Arthur had always been a controlling micromanager like that and Alfred could see how threatened he really felt behind his eyes. It made him feel terrible because, honestly, his first instinct was to just write up something, anything and send it. 

Maybe Arthur had been worried that it wasn't just Alfred who would do that, too. Had someone else got their hands on this address... Alfred didn't want to think his friends were that stupid.

"Yeah, we can do that. I'm sure he'd be happy to hear from us both." In complete honesty, Alfred didn't know that but he had to assume that's what Matthew wanted. "Just us..."

"Great," Arthur nodded stiffly, seeming unsure what to do with his hands. "Anyway, do you need a therapist appointment organised... I can do it for you?" 

Alfred bit back his surprise. The only reason he could think of was that Arthur was being supportive. Instead of mocking therapy, he was offering to organise it for Alfred on his behalf because he knew that Alfred benefited from it. 

Alfred couldn't help himself, he lunged forward and crushed Arthur in a hug. If his chest wasn't so tight, he'd laugh at how his brother squawked.

"Nah, I'll be alright," Alfred smiled when he felt Arthur hug him back. Really hug him back, holding him close and firm because clearly he wanted this too. "I just want Francis... and everyone else..."

"Everyone else?" Arthur sighed but didn't loosen his hold. "Being who?"

"I guess everyone who's available realistically. But maybe just everyone who was there that day."

Arthur just sighed, but being his brother, Alfred knew it was a sigh of defeat.

"Maybe we can work out something to send all together?" Alfred added optimistically and immediately felt Arthur tense. "From us though, duh."

"No, this was sent to just us, I think it should be just us who replies. I know you really want to make everything alright and bring him home but you have to realise that's what's unrealistic."

"Fine." Alfred always hated how Arthur was so bossy and always got his way... but he hated even more how in this case, Arthur was right. "Okay, it'll be just us and what we have to say... but we can still keep them updated?"

"I don't see why not. They'll be pestering us for information anyway." 

"Plus we could do what we did the first time. We could try and hunt him down! Not to force anything from him or anything or try to make him come back, but don't you want to know where he is?"

When Alfred didn't hear Arthur protest he pulled away from the hug with a grin and held up the envelope.

"Come on, we have to find him and here's where we're gonna start. So far he's done everything for a reason and obviously he wants us to know he's in Cuba."

From the look in Arthur's eyes, Alfred knew his brother was hesitant but unwilling to say no. Because deep down, he wanted it too and the same obsession that was starting to course through Alfred was taking hold of him too.

He knew it wouldn't be long until all their friends were on board too.