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Daddy and Papa often stand in the kitchen and Discuss. They Discuss many things, some of which Hoshi is allowed to hear and some of which is only in hushed whispers and with a lot of checking neither Hoshi nor Raku are around. Hoshi knows they keep her safe but sometimes she worries, seeing them Discuss, because it makes Daddy frown and Papa sigh and she can feel their sadness and she wants to reach out for them with her quintessence to comfort them but when she runs into the kitchen, sometimes they’ll be caught off guard and stop talking and tell her they’re ok but she doesn’t think they are.
Today they are in the kitchen, and she can only somewhat hear what they’re saying as they Discuss, and Daddy’s shoulders keep sagging and Papa keeps pressing up beside him to comfort him. She can’t hold back at the door where she’s peeking around, her chest vibrating with a kit sound, and both her fathers look at her then before Papa smiles and Daddy sighs, reaching out his arm.
“Come here, Hoshi.”
She races to him, Daddy lifting her high and cuddling her close and breathing her scent.
“Some days are long days,” he tells her and she nods because it must be true if Daddy says it, and she likes being the one who can comfort Daddy the way Daddy comforts her.
“I love you,” she says into his shoulder, and Daddy smiles against her neck, pulling back to grin at her. He seems happier now.
“And I love you,” he assures her, the cadence to his words different now. He does that sometimes, only when he speaks to her or Raku, only when he speaks Japanese. Papa said it’s because he’s speaking the way O-bāhan spoke, he thinks, that Daddy is channeling his Mama whom he loved. “I love you so much, Hoshiko, and I wish I could protect you from all the world and never make a mistake that hurts you and ensure you never feel like there is something wrong with you because there is nothing wrong with you and I will always love you, forever and always, no matter what you do.”
Daddy says things like this often; Papa said it’s because Daddy didn’t get love like this from his Daddy and Mama. Papa said Daddy says these things for both of them, because even adults are still kits on the inside.
Hoshi holds Daddy’s face in her hands, the way Papa will sometimes, and kisses his nose. That makes Daddy chuckle, kissing her cheek in turn.
“I’m very silly,” Daddy says.
“You’re our silly,” Hoshi replies.
At dinner, Daddy and Papa have A Topic to Discuss.
“Why called that?” Raku asks, looking at Papa, who shrugs.
“I’m not sure: Daddy, do you know why it's called Pride?”
“For a long time,” Daddy says, putting down his chopsticks and leaning back. Hoshi looks to Papa who doesn’t react, so this is ok still. “You see… hmm. Earth is filled with a lot of hate,” Daddy begins. “We are not born filled with hate but taught it, because those with power fear those who are different than them. This is called bigotry.” He looks at Hoshi who nods: she knows that word, and knows it’s bad, and everyone tells her Daddy has a strong No Bigotry policy on base which upsets some people but is Good because Daddy is going to Make Things Better. “For a very, very long time, in many places, people who didn’t fit a certain mold were hated — people we’d now call part of the LGBT community or queer community.”
“Like Daddy and Papa,” Hoshi says, and Papa smiles and nods.
“Like Daddy and Papa,” Daddy repeats but he doesn’t smile. She feels his sadness. “Because for so long, people like Daddy and Papa were shamed and cast aside, people started to fight back. They said instead of feeling shame, shame, they were going to be proud of who they are: in English, this is called Pride.”
Hoshi thinks about that, looking at Raku who is counting on his fingers. She sees her brother look up and ask, “No hate?”
“No hate,” Papa agrees, stroking his back. “Pride is for celebrating all the things others might hate you for, because they are the ones filled with hate who are wrong. It can be very isolating, to be queer, but Pride is a chance to be visible with all of the community that can and wants to stand before the world.”
Hoshi puts her chopsticks down, looking at her lap. Papa said O-jiisama didn’t Accept Daddy and that O-bāhan also didn’t always do the best. Papa said he didn’t have anyone to Accept him until Daddy. Hoshi thinks that must have been very hard and very sad.
“Daddy?” she asks, looking up, and Daddy looks sad even as the corner of his mouth turns up at her question.
“Yes, Hoshi?”
She doesn’t know what she wants to say, thoughts swirling in her mind. “Pride on base?”
“Are we going to do something for Pride on base?” Daddy rephrases and she nods. “The military has a complicated relationship with the queer community and vice versa.” He looks to Papa who shrugs.
“Yeah but the military can shove it, you’re the admiral people look to on base and there’s a lot of not just cadets but other young people on base now.”
Daddy turns back to Hoshi, thinking about that. “Maybe, this year, we will do something.
“However, Papa and I wanted to suggest the four of us go to a Pride event this week, if you’d like.”
“City?” Raku asks, sitting up straight and grabbing Papa’s arm. Papa chuckles.
“Yeah, we’d go into the city, find an event meant for families and children. Something small, so you’re not overwhelmed.”
“Daddy come?” Hoshi asks. Daddy is always really busy since he’s An Admiral but Hoshi likes best when he doesn’t go to work and stays home with them and they go places together, because Daddy and Papa are happiest when they’re together, and that makes Hoshi happy.
“I’ll come,” Daddy assures, leaning over to kiss her head. “I wouldn’t miss my kits’ first Pride for anything.”
“Ya know,” Papa says in the kitchen, “this’ll be my first Pride too.” Raku is asleep on the couch with the wolf, Hoshi tired trailing after Daddy with a hand on his pants so he can’t leave her as Daddy makes a cup of tea.
“There are two types of ‘baby’s first Pride’s after all,” Daddy jokes, setting the kettle to boil.
“How old were you at your first Pride?” Papa asks. Daddy is standing still now, so Hoshi wraps both her arms around his leg and presses against him, willing herself to not fall asleep yet as they hadn’t gone up to the butsudan yet.
“I was… nineteen?” Daddy opens and closes a door. “I had a few years where I really went off during June: contrary to what you might think of me, I wasn’t always a stick in the mud.”
“I know that,” Papa teases, “but you are my favorite stick in the mud. Were those Prides absolute ragers?”
Daddy chuckles. “Let me put it this way: though I didn’t participate, all around me people were embracing our sponsors, the many letters of the alphabet.” That makes Papa laugh so hard, it wakes Hoshi up a bit, turning her head to press her cheek against Daddy’s leg so she can see Papa.
“Especially the letters K and X?” he teases.
“They are long term sponsors of Pride.”
“That feels so stereotypical circuit party, I can’t imagine you there– wait! If you ‘went off’ and it wasn’t D-R-U-G-S, was it P-U-B-L-I-C-S-E-X?”
“And now,” Daddy says with finality, “we finish this conversation until the little ones are in bed.”
“That’s a yes.”
“Keith.”
“You might have had terrible taste in men for relationships but I know you’ve always had a fine taste in men for other purposes.”
“Keith!”
Daddy stays home — yay! — and dresses them as Papa prepares the car, explaining they’re going somewhere called The Library.
“Papa said,” Hoshi says as Daddy dresses Raku, already dressed and pressing against Daddy’s back, “Papa said– Papa said The Library is filled with books!” Daddy chuckles as Raku pulls his shirt down.
“It is: the library is filled with books on all sorts of topics, and you can ask the librarians who work there for help finding books, and you can even borrow books for a little while and then bring them back.”
“Kit books?” Raku asks as Daddy stands, both Raku and Hoshi tilting their heads back to look up at him.
“They have books for kits,” Daddy assures. “Come on, Papa can tell you more in the car, it’s a bit of a drive.”
Papa explains as he drives that The Library has a Children’s Section and it is going to be filled with so many books, so many more books than they even have at home from Grandma and Grandpa and they have so many books at home! Papa says he used to go with his Papa to The Library all the time but now it’s harder to get to from the house and they are Privileged to have books at home, plus The Library will mostly have books in English while their books at home are in English and Japanese and Korean and Galran.
“What else do they have?” Hoshi asks, grabbing her feet and trying to stick her legs out. Raku has been doing that for a while and it looks fun.
“Well,” Papa says, Daddy turning around and smiling at them, “they have books for Young Adults, and they have books for Adults, and they have fiction and non fiction books — do you remember what that means?”
“Fiction is stories,” Hoshi says.
“Yes it is, and non fiction is like the kind of books Daddy and Papa often read, about History or Culture or Raising Kits. Plus The Library will have Events, like the Pride Event we’re going to.”
“Are you excited?" Daddy asks, still looking at Hoshi and Raku. He always seems happier on days he doesn’t have work; Papa said one day, Daddy would like to not have to go to work anymore, so he can always be with them, and Hoshi wants that so Daddy is always this happy.
Hoshi thinks about his question. “Yes!” Then she thinks some more. “Scared.”
“You’re excited and scared?”
“Yeah.”
Raku blows a bubble.
“It’s normal to feel many things when going somewhere new,” Daddy assures as Papa parks the car. The Library isn’t as big as the other buildings around it but it does have grass which looks fun to run around in. Base has a part that’s grass and it’s much nicer to roll in than sand.
Papa comes around to let her out, Hoshi following as he helps Daddy get Raku out since Daddy didn’t bring his other arm. Daddy was going more places without his other arm and Papa said this is good because that means Daddy is Comfortable and they want Daddy to feel Comfortable. It did mean Daddy could only hold one person’s hand, and sometimes Papa wanted to hold Daddy’s hand and Hoshi knows that’s important because Daddy said Papa is Comfortable when he wants to hold Daddy’s hand in public and they want Papa to feel Comfortable.
Today, though, Raku drags Papa to the front door, Daddy looking down at Hoshi with a big smile and his hand outstretched. “Will you be my library buddy for the day, Miss Hoshi?”
“Yes!”
Inside there are signs Daddy says say “Children’s Pride Reading” which Daddy says they should follow. Hoshi looks around The Library but there’s a lot of people and tall things and it spooks her a little, pressing closer to Daddy who releases her hand so he can stroke her hair.
“Stay with Daddy,” he assures her in Japanese and she nods against him. “If you want to leave, we’ll leave, yes?”
“Yes.”
When they finish following the signs, they’re in a different part of The Library which doesn’t have as many tall things and the books are more colorful and it’s louder, other kits and their parents. She sees Raku dragging Papa around, Papa chuckling, as someone approaches her and Daddy.
“It is an honor to have you, Admiral Shirogane,” the woman says, Daddy giving her a half smile. Papa said Daddy doesn’t always like how many people recognize him, because not everyone is Polite and also it’s Still Quite New, but the woman then bends down for Hoshi and says, “Is this your first time at The Library?” and that makes Daddy relax, bending down too.
She waits for Daddy to be at her level, leaning against his shoulder and giving the woman a grin. “Yes! I love books.”
The woman beams. “I love books too. Our Pride reading starts in a few minutes, do you want to take your Library Adult to the reading area?”
“Library,” Hoshi repeats, “Adult.” She looks at Daddy and grins. “Daddy!”
“Let’s go get nice seats,” Daddy suggests and Hoshi nods, the woman pointing the way.
The area has other kits with their parents but the kits are talking to each other, and the parents are talking to each other, and suddenly Hoshi feels what Daddy said is Being Overwhelmed. “Daddy?” she asks softly, and Daddy bends down again, wrapping his arm around her and kissing her cheek.
“Daddy is going to be here the whole time, ok? I’d like it if you tried sitting with the other kids, since we don’t get to meet a lot of kids, but if you don’t like it you can come sit with me. Does that sounds reasonable to you?”
Hoshi thinks about that, looking at the other kits. She sees one wave at her. “Ok. I go now.”
“Ok: I love you.”
“I love you.” She kisses Daddy’s cheek before running over to the kit who had waved. “Hi, I’m Hoshi.”
“Hi, I’m Bea.”
Hoshi looks back, to see Daddy sitting close by. He waves at her, then a woman leans over to talk to him.
“That’s my mommy,” Bea tells Hoshi.
“That’s my daddy,” Hoshi tells Bea. “I also have a papa and a brother. They’re here but I don’t know where.”
“I also have a daddy,” Bea says. “He’s not here today.”
“Alright everyone,” an adult says, and Hoshi realizes it’s the lady from before! “If everyone can take a seat, I have a very good book I picked out special for today.”
The book is good but Hoshi likes best when Grandpa reads to her, because he has this lovely voice that is perfect, and he always says the words so nicely. Plus when Grandpa or Grandma or Daddy or Papa or Auntie Katie or Uncle Matt read to her and Raku, they can ask all their own questions. In The Library, though, lots of kits can ask questions, even if Hoshi doesn’t have the same question. But Hoshi doesn’t think it’s bad: it’s just… different! Plus she’s never read this book, turning to see Daddy and Bea’s mommy standing.
Bea holds out a hand and Hoshi takes it, grinning, as they walk to their parents. Hoshi wraps both her arms around both Daddy’s legs as he smiles down at her. “Did you like that?”
“Yes! Can we do more?”
“We can come to more library readings, I’ll tell Papa.”
“Where Papa?” Hoshi asks and Daddy grins.
“Raku didn’t want to sit still so Papa texted that they’re wandering around the library: when you and I are done here, we can wander around too and maybe find them.”
Looking over, Hoshi sees Bea is pressed against his mommy’s legs too.
“This was our first Pride event in the family,” Bea’s mommy comments to Daddy. “We’re doing our best, for our little boy.” Bea beams up at his mommy, then looks at Daddy.
“It’s good when your parents support you, isn’t it?” Daddy asks Bea who nods.
“I’m a boy,” Bea says and Daddy smiles, running his hand along Hoshi’s cheek as she watches. She doesn’t understand why Bea has to say that but Daddy seems to understand and maybe it’s ok she doesn’t.
“I worry,” Bea’s mommy says softly to Daddy, “I’m not doing enough. I don’t know what I’m doing, really.”
Daddy touches her shoulder, Hoshi studying because Daddy is Very Good At Talking to People and Hoshi wants to one day be Very Good At Talking to People. “My mother did her best to support me, in quiet ways, but I wish she had been loud and taken me to events like this, the way you’re taking your little one.” Daddy smiles down at Hoshi who smiles up at him. “This is my little ones’ first Pride event but also my husband’s: we all have to start somewhere.”
Bea leans close to Hoshi. “Do you want to see the fun part of The Library?”
“Yeah. Daddy?”
“Lead the way,” Daddy tells Bea and so Bea does, Daddy and Bea’s mommy following after them. They go further into The Library until they see an area with soft mats like Base has for tumbling on, and there’s Papa watching Raku crawl through a tunnel between shelves of books. In her excitement at seeing Papa again, Hoshi runs to him, Papa laughing as he picks her up to kiss her cheek.
“Are you enjoying yourself?”
“I am.”
“Did you make a new friend?”
“Yeah.” She swings her legs to be put down, Bea coming over. “This is my Papa. Papa, this is Bea.” Papa crouches down for them.
“Very nice to meet you, Bea. Do you come to The Library a lot?”
“Yeah, Mommy brings me all the time so we can read books about… about being… being… trans!” Bea grins at remembering the word. Hoshi has read books about being trans, but she’s never used that word outside of the books. “The Library Adults are very nice here, I like it here.”
“That’s good,” Papa says, and Hoshi feels how happy he is. “My Papa used to bring me to The Library all the time and the Library Adults made me feel safe and welcomed.” That makes Bea beam before Raku runs over.
“Nēchan!” He tugs Hoshi's hand, Bea following them, as Raku shows them the tunnels they can crawl in. They crawl through them for a while, and Hoshi likes playing in all the books, but then one tunnel is really big and she can’t see Daddy or Papa and she starts to worry, making a kit sound–
Daddy looks over a shelf. “There you are,” he grins. “I missed you.” That calms Hoshi.
“Daddy, I’m stuck.”
Daddy looks around before reaching over with his arm and pointing. “I can’t pick you up with only one arm, so try going through there; if you don’t come out by me, I’ll get Papa to reach over.”
Hoshi goes through the tunnel and before she’s even out, she sees Daddy’s legs move near the end of it, crawling as fast as she can to get out. Daddy is there as she bursts out, cuddling her close.
“You made it,” he sighs, kissing her. “My brave girl.” Over his shoulder, she sees Papa talking with Bea’s mommy now, nodding and gesturing at nothing. “Are you almost ready to go home?”
“Yes,” Hoshi says. “I want to say goodbye to my friend.”
“Let’s do that then.”
Hoshi finds Bea showing Raku how one of the spin-y things on the wall works. “You leaving?” Bea asks and Hoshi nods.
“I liked meeting you,” Hoshi tells him and he grins.
“I liked meeting you! Will you come to The Library again?”
Hoshi looks back, at Daddy and Papa talking to Bea’s mommy, and Daddy grins at her as Papa pulls out his phone. She turns back to Bea. “Yeah! I don’t know when though.”
“That’s ok,” Bea says.
As they leave the library, Papa holds Hoshi’s hand, Raku dragging Daddy around to point out all the things he’d seen with Papa.
“Did you enjoy yourself?” Papa asks.
“I did! I met Bea and I liked the story and I like all the books and the… the….” She frowns until it comes to her. “Library Adults!”
“Good,” and Papa’s smile makes his eyes crease. “I used to love coming to The Library with my Papa so much: we can come regularly, if you want.”
“Yeah.” She squeezes both her hands around Papa’s. “I want to come when Bea is here.”
“I can make that happen.” They stand to the side as Raku drags Daddy up and down a bunch of aisles, Daddy laughing.
“Papa?”
“Yes, Miss Koko?”
“Where do all the books come from?”
“In The Library?” She nods, looking up at him as he thinks. “Well, a lot of places: The Library has money to buy new books, and I know this library will also take donations.”
“Donations?” Hoshi asks.
“For example: if someone finishes books at home and they don’t want to read them anymore, they can bring them here and then others can read them and enjoy them the way they did.”
Raku spots Papa and Hoshi, waving as he pulls Daddy towards them. “Can we do that?”
Papa smiles at her, running a hand through her hair before pressing the spot at the back of her neck that is really nice when Papa presses. “We can do that: next time Grandma and Grandpa come over, they can help us, how does that sound?”
Hoshi nods, pressing against Papa’s leg and grinning. Seeing The Library, it makes sense now how Papa had said they are Privileged to have so many books at home. Hoshi loves books and it’s sad to think other kits don’t have books at home the way they do, but The Library means they can have books at home for a little bit, and get lots of new books. That makes Hoshi happy.
Raku falls asleep in the car as they drive home, and Hoshi starts to doze because the sway of the car is really nice, but she’s still awake enough to listen to Daddy and Papa talking in the front.
Daddy tells Papa about Bea and his mother. “It’s good,” Papa says when Daddy is finished, “to know other children won’t suffer the way we did or the way Pidge did. These won’t be weird, foreign things to them they’re ashamed of or don’t understand.” Hoshi didn’t know Auntie Katie had felt Bad Things the way Daddy and Papa had growing up; she’ll have to give her an extra big hug when she sees her next.
They leave the city, and this is the best part of the drive in the car, when Hoshi can see all the rocks and sand dunes around them. Papa can tell them all about how the desert works and what it used to look like and why it looks how it looks now.
“I saw something online,” Daddy says, “about parents going to Pride events to support those whose parents don’t support them.” Neither Daddy nor Papa say anything for a long while after that, until Daddy adds, “I’d like to do that, one year.” Hoshi sees Papa reach over to squeeze his hand before he parks the car by the house.
“That’s a good idea.” Hoshi sees how Daddy reacts, blushing even as his quintessence reaches out for Papa who reaches back. “I love you, Takashi.”
“I love you too.”
Papa gets out of the car, releasing Hoshi from her seat. She’s really tired so she reaches for him, and Papa carries her in. “Did you have a good day?” Papa asks as he unlocks the door. Hoshi nods into his shoulder.
“I like Pride,” and that makes Papa chuckle, kissing her head.