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Ricardio threw Finn and Jake into a great fleshy cell at the bottom of his dungeon. "The Zanoits should take effect in a few days. You'll grow weaker and weaker until you slowly die, and then I'll harvest you for parts."

"You won't get away with this, Ricardio!" Finn yelled. Ricardo laughed and stalked over, mouth open with a reply, but stopped halfway as a hand rose from the floor and tugged on his leg. It was red and white, muscle and sinew like the other hands in the dungeon, but there was something oddly jointed about it - it had bones. It was connected to a dark lump on the floor.

 "What do you want?" Ricardio asked, and kicked the lump. The lump gestured back after a few agonized moments, said something that Finn couldn't make out.

"What's going on?" Finn whispered to Jake.

"No clue," said Jake. "I wish I wasn't paralyzed so I could check it out."

Meanwhile, Ricardio nodded at the lump. "Then I'll use your limbs instead since you've decided to stop resisting. Those two can be my hostages." He leaned down and tore the arms off the lump, then walked out of the cell.

Finn heard labored breathing and inchwormed over. The zanoits had mostly paralyzed him already, but he wanted to see the lump. He had to see -

The lump turned head to him.

"Ice King."

It - he nodded. Ice King didn't look much like himself; his eyelids sunk in over two empty holes, and his cheekbones had gone prominent.

"Fi’." Ice King spoke with difficulty, but he smiled, his face following Finn's voice. "You 'ame for me?"

Finn gulped. "Ricardio sent out a challenge from you for PB's hand. We were going to stop you, but then he got the drop on us."

"Oh."  Ice King frowned. "Ru'e. She's my 'rin'ess."

"Ice King, why are you talking funny?"

Ice King stuck his tongue out; it was a stub, and the end was jagged. "'ongue's s'ill regrowik."

Jake rolled over and bumped against Finn's leg. "Man, shouldn't you be screaming in pain at this point?"

"'ah. Bee' i' pai' log e'ouf 'at i's n't hur' a'ymore." Ice King giggled hysterically. "Go' use' 'o i'."

Finn nodded and lay down next to Ice King, one arm over his lower stomach and below the gaping hole. Jake looked confused. "What are you doing?"

"Yeah, wha'er you...?"

"Since you kept Ricardio away from our parts, I thought you'd want company!" Finn said.

Ice King made a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob and bumped him with his hip. "'ank you."

~*~*~

Finn didn’t know when he fell asleep; when he woke up, Ice King’s arms had grown back and were curled around him. Ice King had tugged him up so that Finn’s head rested on Ice King’s shoulder, and Jake was at their feet.

“You awake, Ice King?”

“I am, Finn.” His eyes were only starting to flesh out, dots of flesh under sunken eyelids, but his arms and tongue seemed to be working. “Did you sleep ok?”

“I did.” It was weird, how they weren’t screaming at each other for once. Ice King had attempted to be his friend before, mostly by force, but this time Finn wasn’t being forced. It was more a ‘get stuck in an awful situation together and be forced to make friends’ deal. “Did you sleep at all?”

“A little. I was sleeping a lot before you got here, so I can afford to miss some.” Ice King patted Finn’s head at an awkward angle. “I never saw anyone get poisoned with zanoits before, so watching you is important. I can try and do something with my ice magic if it gets really bad.” He smiled weakly. “Like when I hired that guy to hit you but he misunderstood and tried to kill you so I faked your deaths.”

It was weird; when was Ice King this, this - Finn didn’t have a word for it. Articulate? “Do you know how zanoit poisoning works?”

“A little. I’ve read about it.” Ice King’s hand moved to Finn’s forehead, his knuckles like ice. “Do you feel feverish? I think that’s a symptom. Or you get really cold. I don't remember. I can’t tell because I’m too cold myself, ha ha.”

“I’m ok.” Ice King wasn’t too cold; there was frost dripping off his fingers, where skin was still pearling over muscle, but staying next to him was like leaning on a statue on a cool day. Where Finn had rested, Ice King was warm. Finn flopped a hand on Ice King’s forehead; he was cold, and there was frost in his eyebrows and over his eyes. “What about you?”

“I’m fine. Like I said before, I’ve been here long enough that I can barely feel it anymore.”  Ice King rubbed his face against Finn’s hand. “Wow, you’re warm. That feels nice.”

“Ice King, that’s creepy.” Finn tried to smack Ice King, but it came out as more of a pat. Ice King giggled and patted Finn’s forehead in return. “You don’t just rub your face on people.”

“Why not? No one’s here but us.” Ice King’s hand snaked into Finn’s hat and buried itself in his hair. “You came for me.”

“Ice King - “

“You’re my hero. No one else comes to save me. You’re the only one.”

“Ice King,” Finn said, “don't touch my hair.”

Ice King grew still, then pulled his hand away and back on Finn’s shoulder. “‘m sorry.”

“...you did it.” Finn tried to sit up to look at Ice King’s face; from this angle, he could see that Ice King had turned his head away. “You never listen to people.”

“Listen to my friends,” Ice King mumbled. “Sorry.”

“No, that’s good!” Finn flailed at Ice King, trying to turn his face back. “That was good! You listened!” He patted Ice King’s forehead. “You shouldn’t touch people without permission, so backing off is good!”

Ice King turned back to Finn, his forehead furrowing. “Good? I’m good?”

Finn nodded, then remembered that Ice King’s eyes were gone and said, “Yes!”

A smile unzipped on Ice King’s face. “I’m good. Good Ice King. Finn said I was good!” He laughed and bumped his face against Finn’s hand. “It’s like a high five, but since our hands can’t move very well, it’s a forehead five!”

Finn chuckled. “That works.”

Chapter Text

Finn woke up to Ice King rapidly smacking his face. “Ow, ow, ow, ok, I’m awake, I’m awake!” He batted off Ice King’s hand.

Ice King had forced himself to sit up, his arms shaking with the effort. Finn’s face had fallen from Ice King’s shoulder to his lap. “I need to push you away, ok? Ricardio’s coming. You don’t want to be here when he comes in.”

“Why not?” asked Jake.

“He’s gonna cut all my limbs off!” Ice King said. “You don’t want to be next to me, it’s loud and smelly and awful. I’m gonna put you over there,” and he pointed to the other side of the cell, “and then bring you back over when I’m not such a mess! And before you say something, no, you can’t save me.” He huffed. “I told Ricardio I’d let him harvest me so he’d leave you two alone, and neither of you is in any shape to fight.”

“Dunno why we’d save you,” Jake said, and kicked Ice King.

Ice King rolled his eyes. “Because Finn is my friend and he saves people. Now go on and go.” He created a huge claw of ice, picked Jake up and tossed him to the other side of the room. “You’re next, Finn. Don’t listen too hard, ok?” The claw picked Finn up gently and put him on the floor delicately, then snapped to the ground between him and Jake. “Use that to drink. I dunno if Ricardio’s going to feed you.”

“Oh, thanks!”

“Hey, why do I get tossed across the room and Finn gets put gently over!” Jake asked.

“Because you’re a bad dog!” Ice King stuck his tongue out at Jake, then fell onto his back. “Bad dogs pretend they don’t want to rescue Ice King!”

“I’d totally rescue you in a minute if I wasn’t all poisoned!” Jake stuck his tongue out back.

The door slammed open. All three of them went silent as Ricardio marched in, boxes and jars in his oversized hands. “Ready for operation time?”

“Ready for you to stop trying to do my job!” Ice King spat at him. Ricardio chuckled and dropped the boxes on the floor, then opened one up and took out a saw. Ice King hissed in breath, then kept on yelling. “You’re not even a real doctor!”

“I don’t need to be for this. Now, hold still.”

Jake covered Finn’s eyes as the screaming started. Ice King screamed insults Finn didn’t realize existed, getting louder and courser with every jar Finn heard filled.

Then, they stopped. There was a moist silence for a long moment, and then a meaty snap; Ice King howled, inarticulate.

“Did Ricardio just pull out his tongue?” Finn hissed over the howling.

“Yeah,” said Jake. “I think he’s almost done.”

Finn heard Ricardio pack the organ-filled jars and leave clinking. Ice King’s screams subsided into sobs; Jake finally dropped his hand and showed him Ice King twitching on the ground, the sleeves and feet of his robe flat.

Finn fainted.

~*~*~

Ice King was screaming when Finn awoke. Jake patted his face. “He’s been like that for a while. You ok, man?”

“I”m fine,” Finn said, and ignored his nausea.. He tried to get a better look at Ice King, who was thrashing on the ground, back arching in an attempt to make up for his missing limbs. Ice spikes formed and melted from the organic floor with no pattern or reason. “Is it just me, or does he look like he’s trying to get away from something?”

“It kinda does, but there’s nothing there.” Jake bit his lip. “Maybe he’s hallucinating.”

“Maybe he’s having that traumatic thing where he relives all the bad stuff.” Finn frowned; last time he’d seen Ice King, they’d dealt with spirits in the spirit realm that only Ice King could see. His house was clear of them, Finn had made sure of it, but what about this cave? “Or there’s spirits! No matter what, I can’t just leave him like that.”

“Finn, it’s not safe to go over there! What if he spikes you?”

“I won’t leave him like that!”

Finn rolled over to Ice King. The spikes were worst around his lower body, so Finn aimed to land near his head. Once he got there, he put both hands on Ice King’s forehead and started to rub it. “Calm down. It’s ok.”

Ice King let out a final shriek, then tilted his head back. His eyes had finally regenerated up to the filmy cataracts; he peered at Finn as if trying to decide if he was real or not before bumping his head against Finn’s hands. “You want to be touched?” Finn asked. Ice King nodded, then bumped more. Finn started to run his hands through Ice King’s hair and over his face, and Ice King relaxed, leaning into the contact. The ice spikes melted and were not replaced.

“...he’s calmed down,” Jake said from across the room.

“Yeah,” Finn said. “I think he’s ok now.” Ice King nuzzled against Finn’s arm and Finn giggled. “It’s like when you want to get petted, Jake!”

“I’m not that needy!”

Ice King started to purr as Finn found a place just under the crown and massaged it. Finn gave Jake a knowing grin and Jake groaned.

Chapter Text

“They won’t get off me!” Ice King batted at air with one bone-and-muscle arm, his head twitching left and right as if to avoid something touching his face. “Finn, can’t you make them stop? Make them go away!”

“I’m trying, but I have no idea how to scare spirits away!” Finn rubbed Ice King’s cheek, trying to calm him. “I can’t see them anymore.”

“They’re there! They won’t get off me!” Finn shushed him, and Ice King slumped into his hand. “They’re there, they’re there, they won’t stop touching me. They think it’s fun to see me cry. They won’t go away. They’re always touching me on the body because I can’t move. They crawl up everywhere.”

Finn felt tears dripping on his hand. He sighed and wiggled around so that he could flop onto Ice King’s chest , his chin on one shoulder and his stomach on the other. “Is this better?”

Ice King’s arm dropped, and his head raised a little so that he could look at Finn. “What are you doing?”

“Protecting you from the spirits,” Finn said. “They can’t touch you if I’m touching you!”

Ice King smiled. “If you were a princess, I’d marry you right now,” he said, and wrapped his one good arm over Finn’s shoulder. “You’re a good friend.”

“If you try to kiss me, I’ll smack you.”

“I don’t think I could at this angle,” Ice King said, but he still pouted.

Chapter Text

This harvest left Ice King lacking everything. Ricardio had been thorough; when Finn and Jake rolled over to Ice King, all that was left was a limbless lump who could do nothing but whimper and cry. Finn tried not to look of him, not wanting to make his queasiness worse. Instead, he started to finger-comb Ice King’s hair.

Ice King melted. He leaned into Finn’s hands and mumbled, the remains of his eyes crinkling with pleasure. Whenever Finn had to stop for a breather, Ice King nuzzled him for more.

Finally, Finn was too tired. Between zanoits and listening to Ricardio dismantling Ice King, he was exhausted. “I’m going to sleep.”

Ice King nodded. Finn curled up next to Ice King’s shoulder, using some of Ice King’s beard as a makeshift blanket. Ice King leaned toward him; Finn slept with Ice King’s breath huffing on his arm.

~*~*~

“I’m telling you two, a demon vampire would be able to beat everything else, period.” Ice King smacked the ground for emphasis. “They’re the strongest!”

“No way!” said Jake. “We met a demon vampire, Marceline! She can’t do anything against ghosts!”

“I bet she beat those ghosts.” Ice King nudged Jake with his foot. “She found a way because she’s brilliant and the best. Don’t lie to me, Jake, she did, didn’t she?”

“She did,” said Finn.

“Ha! I knew it!” Ice King cackled and poked Jake with his foot some more. “She’s the greatest!”

“Why do you like Marceline so much?” asked Jake. “She’s a queen and you haven’t kidnapped her once.”

“That’s because she hates me,” Ice King said, smiling. “Every time I show up, she runs away or punches me. She can’t stand to be around me.”

“Wait, what?” Finn poked Ice King’s cheek. “Lots of princesses don’t like you! Muscle Princess broke a bench over your head! How’s Marceline different? Is it because she turns into an ugly bat?”

“No!” Finn almost jumped out of his hat at Ice King’s sudden ferocity. “The bat is beautiful! And the tentacle monster! And the wolf! All of it’s beautiful! I just...” As suddenly as the fury came, it was gone. “The princesses are just playing a game with me. They’re just pretending to hate me. Marceline really hates me. Sometimes I pretend she doesn’t and sing a song with pretend her, but it’s not the same.” He sighed. “She won’t ever marry me. Sometimes I don’t even want to marry her, I just want to watch her all day because at least I can see her then.”

“That’s creepy,” said Finn. “You can’t just stalk girls.”

“And what’s this about princesses only pretending to say no?” said Jake. “That’s really creepy! When a girl says no, she really means it!”

“No, it’s true!” Ice King said, and flapped the stumps of his arms. “I can tell! They all love me, they just pretend not to because everyone else thinks I'm old and ugly! Sometimes,” he said, and his voice took on a reciting quality, “you love someone so much that you have to drag them into your icy grip and make them understand that they belong to you until they stop resisting and let you take care of them and they’ll stay with you forever.”

“That’s messed up,” Finn said.

Ice King tapped his crown with the nubs of his elbows. “It’s true! I heard it from a very trustworthy source!”

“Who?”

“Me!” He giggled. Finn groaned and Jake blew a disgusted raspberry.

Chapter Text

Creatures were on him, all over him, creeping under his robes and into his sleeves and he couldn't move. It hurt. They laughed at him. Their voices buzzed in his ears. He could feel them, the faintest brush of air against his bare skin. Couldn't get them off, too loud, too bright, hurt his eyes. Too many of them, the crown's magic tied up in regenerating him, no ice could. Could. Get off get off get off -

Heaviness on his chest. Creatures dissipated to red flesh walls. It was easier to see. He blinked and saw: the furry white ears, blue shirt, human snub nose and blonde bangs. Whispered, "Calm down," over the voices. "I'm here."

Ice King reached back to him with what he had left of arms. Hand was warm, solid, real. He asked, throat sore with screams, had the hand pressed it against his eyes to block the creatures, funnel away some voices. It was warm. He ached, but he was so warm now and that made up for all of it.

Chapter Text

“Storytime for Finn and Jake!” Ice King announced. He had his arms around them both, and he rolled his eyeless head back and forth as if to look at them and gauge their reactions. “I’m gonna tell a really exciting story!”

“If there are boogers involved, don’t even start,” Jake said.

“No, this one really is good!” Ice King sucked in a nervous breath, then exhaled mist, and began: “Once upon a time, the world was sunk into chaos and bad things. A great war had ripped the world into pieces, and magic had broken it further. Worst of all, an almighty evil had appeared from the ruins and sought to kill all who remained in the world.

“Fortunately, there were those who would not allow such an evil to exist. There were the undead, the dwarves, the elves, the princesses, but most important to our story were nine mortals who had found artifacts of great power. These mortals would not let the evil kill everyone, for reasons varying from ‘I have to protect everyone’ to ‘no one’s allowed to kill all the humans except for me.’ These nine gathered from all over the world with their mighty weapons: a mighty sword of violence, a toolset of many tasks, earrings of mind, belt of earth, gauntlet of rainbows, corset of ocean, mask of forest, choker of fire and crown of ice. Of these, ice was most powerful.”

Jake snorted. “Don’t make stuff up. Why is yours most powerful?”

“Who said this was me?” Ice King stuck his tongue out at Jake; Jake stuck his back. “Maybe this was the last person with the crown!”

"I thought you said you made the crown," Jake said.

"I thought you bought it off a dock worker in Scan-der-nav-ee-ya," said Finn.

Ice King moved his head as if he was rolling his eyes. "You're both misinformed! Anyway, these nine fought the evil power and it was a terrifying battle. You've seen wizard battles, right? These were the originators of the eight schools of magic, plus some guy with a sword. They could use the earth itself against the evil! The Lord of Fire and the Stone Emperor worked together to toss molten lava at the evil! The Princess of the Sky sent her vicious rainbow pegasi to eat the undead who rose under the evil's command! The Creatrix made weapons and armor for everyone else! The Ocean Queen and Forest Baroness kept the evil trapped! The Mind Prince kept mortals away from the fight! The sword guy chopped stuff up! And the Ice King froze everything to protect it from the touch of evil, then worked on freezing the evil so it would stop being so evil! And eventually they froze the evil in a great fortress of stone, lava, ruins and ice, riddled with traps and monsters to prevent some idiot from freeing it.

"And then they fought among each other over the land left over because there was a lot of it and they all wanted to start families. This fight cleaned all the evil off the land because it was so ridiculously overpowered and allowed life to flourish again! And eventually the Ice King went, 'Stop fighting! I hate fighting!' And everyone was so surprised that he was able to beat them all and stopped fighting."

"But you want to take over the world," Finn said, "don't you?"

"What did you think about Princess of the Sky?" asked Jake.

"I want to take it over after I start a family," Ice King said. "I don't want to rule alone. And none of the others would have been good as a wife because they were all taken or psycho. Especially Princess of the Sky! Who violates the sanctity of ponies by making them eat people, huh? Who does that?"

"Princess of the Sky, I guess," said Finn.

"Yeah! She's a psycho! And her ponies are psycho! I may see crazy crazy crazy everywhere but I'm not a murderous psychofreak. I am a good husband." Ice King squeezed Finn and Jake closer. "A good parent, too. Lord of Fire's got nothing on me. He needs to stop teaching his kids to set their kids' suitors on fire, he's ruining my style. I'll never find out if a fire princess is right for me because they set me on fire when I get too close."

"You know I'm dating Flame Princess right now, right?"

Ice King turned to Finn, his eye sockets furrowing. "You are? Is that why she's out of the Kingdom?"

"Yeah," said Finn. "If you - "

"I won't touch her," said Ice King.

"Whaaaaaaaat?"

"Some of us," Ice King said, puffing his narrow chest, "don't go around stealing other people's princesses. Like. Some people." His nose flopped accusingly on Finn's face. "I'm not a princess stealer."

Jake snorted. Ice King's head flipped around so he could glare at Jake, his nose smacking Jake's forehead. "Don't laugh at me!"

Finn giggled. Ice King growled at them both and fell into a sulking silence.

"Ricardio will be here soon. You two should go away."

"We'll be back, Ice King," Finn said, and kissed him on the temple before rolling away. Ice King managed a faint smile before he sank back into his sulk.

Chapter Text

This harvest, Ice King sang. First rock songs, covers of the Scream Queens, then older songs that Finn didn't know, before finally settling on a lullaby in a language Finn didn't know. He meandered through it even after Ricardio had left, hands full of organ jars, and when Finn and Jake rolled over to check on him.

"Are you singing in a wizard language?" Jake asked. Ice King shook his head. "Is that a magic spell song?" Another shake. "What are you singing?"

That made Ice King stop. He tilted his head left and right, as if thinking, then began the song again. "Come a'ok wi' me, 'o a be'er pace 'o be..." He reached over with one half-formed hand and rubbed behind Jake's ears as he sang, leaving Jake purring at Ice King's side. Finn rested next to him, the stub of an arm around his shoulders; Ice King was so much calmer now, and he actually had a decent singing voice.

Eventually, Jake's purrs became snores, and Finn felt himself drifting. "Ice King, are you ok to be alone while we sleep?"

"I am." He nudged Finn with his arm. "Go as'eep, Marcine. I dea' wif p'ecing you."

"Marcine?"

"Si'y. Don' foge' your 'ame." Ice King giggled, then attempted to wink without an eye. "Sim' go' i'."

It was as close to reassuring as he'd get, Finn thought, and let himself sleep on Ice King's shoulder.

Chapter Text

"For the last time, we are not using your teeth as chess pieces. I don't care how bored you are!" Jake yelled.

Ice King gnashed his teeth. "They'll grow back! It's no use regenerating all the time if I can't use it for something useful! Especially with Ricardio pumping me full of magic. May as well slow down the other parts coming back so I get a break from them getting ripped off!"

Finn frowned. "How exactly were you going to get them out?"

"...good question." Ice King licked his teeth. "Maybe I can get Ricardio to punch a few out."

"I can't let you do that," Finn said, and he crawled up onto Ice King's chest. "It's bad enough having to watch him hurt you every day without him flat-out torturing you."

"It's not that bad. Like I said before, it's been enough that I can't feel it. Having company to distract me helps." Ice King's crown dinked against the soft floor. "Getting set on fire is way worse, let me tell you."

"Don't, please," said Jake.

"How about a story instead? The story of how I found my missing toothbrush!"

"No!"

"Story of the last time a hero saved me?"

"Better."

"Ok, so, a long time ago, Wizard Battle was really important because that was how the different countries dealt with treaty disputes. They don't do that much anymore because anyone can be a wizard now, it's all competition and showing off to the ladies. I think there's a Wizard Battle for people who want to court men out there, too, but it's harder to find because girls are so much prettier. And there was this hero who wanted to be in it, and he decided to find the sword of the sword guy who fought the big evil and go in using a ninth element. Which is silly, everyone knows that 'craft magic' includes swords. So he went into the big evil temple of ice and lava and stone and ruins and fought the monsters and pulled the sword out of the big evil, which woke it up.

"The evil was mad and it beat up everyone. It crashed the Wizard Battle and beat up everyone there; not all of the nine who had sealed him were there, so we got trashed. And we got trashed again. Everyone in Ooo went to beat that thing and lost until the hero went and fought the Lich himself, using a gauntlet forged from his heroic resolve to beat him into another seal. I don't know where."

Finn nodded. "Is that how he saved you?"

Ice King bit his lip. "Nooo, that's not it. That was...with the evil clone, and...the nice boat...argh! I can't remember!" He banged his head against the ground in frustration. "Why can't I remember?!"

"Calm down, Ice King." Finn caught his head and held it still until Ice King stopped trembling. "It's ok. We'll take a turn telling a story."

Ice King nodded, almost childlike in sudden vulnerability. "’Kay."

"Ok, so Jake was sick this one time..."

Chapter Text

Darkness was better. No eyes meant no visions. Hurt a lot, but no visions. Overall, a gain for Ice King. Better. Thought better, thoughts slicing through the darkness like knives through flesh, thoughts racing and bounding. He wanted to be bounding away, out of this place, out of the heartstrings that sealed him against the floor, but moving hurt. Arms hurt, legs hurt, head hurt, chest hurt the worst. A constant burning cold to sear contaminants out of his open chest. Though his heart was a contaminant lost now, gone, killing him in other ways. He hadn't been dejointed like that in centuries. He forgot how regrowing bones ached, nerves pinned and needled, muscles twitched, skin itched. His heart did it.

But the near-constant warmth was good. His flesh felt like flesh again and not that farmed stuff, always hotcold regrowing. Finn's fingers were rough, sword callouses on his palm, young arms scarred already, lips chapped and broken against his forehead. Jake's nose was wet and his fur was soft and so unlike the fluff of penguins. Their breath was hot and sank to the bone.

"Finn," he said. The child was drooling on his shoulder. The dog was drooling on his hip. Some part of him felt that this was undignified, but they were his friends. Saving him. Get him out of the labyrinth in - in this black ice cave. Away from his heart. Yes. Couldn't see him, but felt the shift in weight to look at Ice King. Almost wanted to push him away, if he had the strength (not drained by this ordeal) (to push a friend away) so he wouldn't look at his ugly old face, but he had none. "I have a request."

"Yeah?" Ice King turned his head toward Finn's voice. "What is it?"

"When Princess Bubblegum and I get married, I want to name our first child after you."

He waited for the flattered reaction. Something hissed in his ear that Finn would never allow it, why would you think he'd want that, you fat ugly monster, and another chimed in that Finn wouldn't go for it because he wanted both Princess Bubblegum and Flame Princess, but he kept up a smile because he knew reacting made the spirits do more. But. Silence. Why silence? "Finn?"

"That's really nice," Finn meandered, and Ice King sucked in a pleased breath, "but she doesn't want to marry you."

Ice King breathed out disappointment and groaned. "Finn, I want tips. Pointers. I want to marry her. How do I get her to stop playing and really like me back?"

“You can’t just make her like you back. She’s said she’s not interested and that she doesn’t like it when you kidnap her.”

“But she is,” Ice King said. “I know she is.”

Finn groaned and Ice King didn’t understand why. He knew she liked it. It was a fact. Why didn’t anyone else realize it? He tried to move his arm, but it was still a stub. All stubs. He had been left his tongue, or maybe it had grown back quickly, but he couldn’t pat Finn to calm him. That was how you calmed, wasn’t it?

“Ice King, you know how upset you get when the spirit monsters touch you?” Finn ran his finger down the long arch of Ice King’s nose. Ice King nodded, pushing up into Finn’s hand for more touch. “You know how you get all scared and you start crying? You try and shove them away?

“That’s how Bubblegum and the princesses feel when you put them in your dungeon.”

Ice King opened his mouth. Then he closed it. Opened it. Closed it. He looked for the words. Screaming in his ears. Bad wrong bad bad bad what did you do bad wrong monster ugly bad mad bad bad bad shut up voices. Shut up. Bad. Laughing at him. Crying? Too many. He let his head drop on the floor. No, Ice King, you are the spirit.

“No, I wouldn’t do that.” His voice sounded far away. “I don’t hurt princesses.”

“You do. You hurt lots of princesses. You cut a bunch of them up a few weeks ago, and you keep putting them in a cage, and you tried to trap me in the spirit world.”

He could feel Finn’s eyes boring into him. He made a sound like dying because that had to be wrong, he didn’t hurt people. He didn’t. He wanted friends and he was a king and he deserved friends and they wouldn’t stay so he had to make them stay and he remembered climbing into rooms, ninja-quiet, cast an enchantment of sleep, created a knife of ice that would numb the wounds and cut cleanly, carefully, sink into flesh like a hot sword through fat, and heal the wounds afterwards to prevent bleeding out and infection. Royalty were sturdy but he couldn’t be too careful.

It wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t wrong. They were asleep so they couldn’t notice and it wouldn’t be an issue. How long had he lived with pieces missing? He wouldn’t be the only one. He couldn’t. Couldn’t. Couldn’t move, the spirits upon him in sleep, and how had he felt afterwards as they crawled on his bare skin?

He was a king! The child had no right to scold him!

“Did I scare you that much?” He felt cold, not just the atmosphere or his icy chill but a dreaded feeling, dread, swirling in his stomach. He feared the answer.

“Me? Sometimes you do. I can fight back most of the time since I’m a hero, but you’re still really powerful compared to me. When you freeze me solid, that’s scary. It’s probably worse for the princesses. You put them in cages and don’t let them out and ignore them when they say they don’t want to be there.”

Sometimes means it didn't count. He lied! No, it counted. Ice King was scary. He was bad. He was hurting. It hurt. His tear ducts were gone, but his face still squeezed up, pressure in his face from all the bad coming out. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry...”

He felt Finn rock forward on him. His hands on Ice King’s cheeks, as if to clear away tears. Ice King whimpered. He had expected cold, the boy suddenly leaving. Not this. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Are you going to stop?”

“Yes, yes, I'm sorry, I’ll stop, yes,” words spilled out of him in a gush.

Ice King couldn’t stop the teary flux of his face, even with Finn’s hands on it. They made it worse. They were so warm. No one touched him like this. He wanted arms so he could hold him, touch his sunny hair, curl his lips upward with his thumbs.

Finn said something. Ice King didn’t understand, but it didn’t matter. He flailed the stumps of his arms up in some semblance of a hug. “Don’t go. Please. I’m sorry, I won’t be scary, just don’t go.”

“I won’t.” Ice King felt Finn’s cracked lips on his forehead, a child’s kiss to a parent, and he bawled openly.

Chapter Text

Finn and Jake’s presence was enough to scare away all but the biggest spirits. Ice King watched them circle the three of them, occasionally lunging at his face to get a rise out of him. If he focused on the others, it was easier to ignore them. Even when they sat on his face.

His friends were snoring on his shoulders again, like they had when he tried to steal the secret of happiness from them. Jake woofed in his sleep now and then, and Finn’s eyes rolled wildly under his eyelids.

He was asleep. Ice King was fairly sure he was dreaming. He wanted to make it a good dream. He wanted to touch him. One hand had finished regenerating, still translucent at the fingertips, and he hungered for touch. It wouldn’t be bad if he did it to make Finn dream better, right? Right. He was sure that was how it worked.

He pulled the hood back and slid his fingers into gold. Finn’s hair was oily after days trapped in here with him; it didn’t mat like Ice King’s hair but slicked. It was soft. He had not regrown his callouses, so he could feel all of it.

Make them winter warriors, he thought. Then he frowned and shook his head. Then they’d be all ice. He didn’t want to touch more of that. He liked how human felt.

Chapter Text

They had been there long enough that Finn picked up a rhythm. They ate at regular intervals. Ice King was a decent conversationalist when his eyes were gone, and sleeping near him kept him calm when he could see well enough to hallucinate monsters. They talked and talked and talked.

But, Finn had noticed, Jake was sleeping more.

And so was he.

Chapter Text

“Finn hasn’t woken up for a while,” said Jake.

“He hasn’t,’ said Ice King. “Is that bad?”

“I think so. Didn’t Ricardio say that the zanoits would make us sleep more and more until we didn’t wake up?”

Ice King considered this. “I don’t remember.”

“Let’s try and wake him up!” Jake barked at Finn. Finn did not wake up. He whined and pawed at his arm. Nothing.

Ice King poked his face. “Wake up, Finn.” He rubbed his hair. “Wake up. I’m touching your hair.” He yanked a couple times. “I’m touching your hair when you told me to stop earlier. You should wake up and punch me so I stop.”

Jake licked Finn’s face. Ice King tried to, but he couldn’t wrench himself up far enough to reach Finn’s face. The angle was all wrong. He kept on poking him.

“Man, you can’t just lick him,” said Jake.

“Why not?”

“Only dogs can do that without being creepy,” Jake said.

Ice King frowned. “I’ve been called a dog before.”

“Wrong kind of dog.”

“What about being called a girl dog?”

“I don’t even want to know.” Jake nudged Finn’s shoulder with his nose. “Finn, come on!”

Finn mumbled but did not stir. Ice King tried digging in at his skull with the soft beginnings of his nails. Jake bit him. They both screamed at him.

Finn still didn’t wake up.

As Jake panted for breath, Ice King tried another tactic. “We’re gonna play a game now,” Ice King said. “It’s a really simple game, Finn, so easy you can almost play it in your sleep. That’s what we’re going to do now, ok?”

“What’s the game called?” said Jake.

“It’s called Simon Says. I say ‘Simon says do something’ and you have to do it.” He cleared his throat and started. “Simon says keep on sleeping. See, isn’t it easy?”

“Ice King, I’m not so sure about this.”

“Shush, dog.” Ice King poked Finn’s forehead. “Now, Simon says wake up.” Poked again. “You have to do it because Simon said.”

Nothing. Ice King growled and started to shake Finn. “Wake up! Wake up! Come on, I told you to wake up! I order you to wake up! I command you!”

“Stop! You’re gonna hurt him!” Jake smacked Ice King’s cheek.

Ice King snarled uselessly and started beating the ground with his fist. “Wake up! I order you to wake up! Simon says not to die! Simon says wake up! You have to do what Simon says! Wake up wake up wake up!” He slammed his head against the crown, against the floor, against the air. Spirits laughed at him. One mimicked Finn sleeping on another’s shoulder, and the other one shook arms and wiggled tongue to mock him. He screamed.

“Ice King, calm down! Ice King!” Jake rolled over and sat on his hand. Ice King flailed, too upset to stop moving until Jake started licking his face. “Simon, calm down.”

He sucked in breath and glared at the ceiling. Red, glistening. He looked up at Jake. “It’s Simon says. You forgot to say that Simon said it.”

Jake frowned. “I can’t say Simon says to Simon.”

“No, no, anyone can be Simon. Simon’s the one in charge, going around making sure people don’t get in trouble.” He tried to scratch Jake’s belly with his trapped hand. “Simon’s all nice and wise. You’d be good at Simon. Maybe you should be Simon. He’d listen to your Simon better than mine.”

Jake rolled on his hand, and he was pretty sure that was good. “Here, I’ll take my turn. Simon says, stop worrying and sleep.”

“Ok.” Ice King tried to find a place where he could use his hair as a pillow. “Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re a good ex-husband.”

“Shut up.”

“Simon didn’t say!”

Chapter Text

Quiet save for breath and the chittering of monsters, Ice King drifted in and out of sleep in their cell. Finn and Jake did not move, nor did they wake. They usually slept now, when the monsters were active; it was difficult for him to concentrate when a monster stuck it’s tongue in his ear and pulled faces at him. It was fine. Nothing to worry about.  There was so much for him to not worry about that he didn’t catch Ricardio’s footsteps until his shadow loomed over him.

“Comfortable, are you?”

Ice King scrambled to get his hands away from Finn and Jake as Ricardio loomed over him. It was hard to see him in the dim light; only his features, lined with bright magic, let him know where he was against the wall of gore. “W-what are you doing here?”

“It’s time for you to give me your arms, your legs and your eyes.” He kicked Jake out of the way, sending him rolling. Ice King shrieked and tried to grab him before he could hit a wall, but Ricardio stomped on his arms with his new, huge foot, trapping them. “What are you doing?”

“Don’t touch him!” He squirmed under Ricardio’s foot; the heat burned through his clothing, his own magic tingling in Ricardio’s stolen flesh.

“Or what? You’ll yell at me?”

“You may be stepping on my arms, have me hooked up to some freaky life support device that leaves me defenseless and have stolen every part of my body that you can take without killing me in the process, but I will find a way to make you pay for that!” Ice King squirmed, trying to get into a position that would let him kick Ricardio.

“I’m so frightened.” Ricardio brushed Ice King’s face to the ground with his toes. “It’s a pity you never let me take control of that body. I’d use it so much better.”

“As if. I’m gonna get my limbs back, just you wait,” Ice King snapped, muffled by Ricardio’s foot. “I’ll build an army of Ice Kings with them and then I’ll lead them to beat you up and then we’ll all marry Princess Bubblegum, you copycat!”

“Wouldn’t that get a little busy? She can barely handle one of you.” Ricardio picked Finn up and tossed him aside. Ice King shrieked and started to struggle more. “Aren’t you pleased? I’m causing your heart’s desire. These two are out of the way of the heart of the Ice King obtaining Princess Bubblegum.”

“They’re my friends! Don’t touch them!”

Ricardio ground down on Ice King’s arms; something snapped. Ice King shuddered as hotcold pain sliced into his shoulder. “Friends? You’re not capable of friends. You barely have enough of a brain to hold a conversation. That’s why none of the princesses want you.”

Pain was nothing. He’d been in pain millions of times before. He didn’t like pain, but he could stand it. He knew, scientifically, that if you were left in pain, you were more likely to be in pain later. He knew, magically, that it would grow numb first. After all, what was a body but the shell where he lived in? It’d just grow back later. He could find a new one.

Though he’d have to bring his brain and soul because those were really nice.

Yes, he needed those. Anyway. Getting off-track. “Finn and Jake are my friends! You said you wouldn’t hurt them if I didn’t fight when you stole my parts, so you can’t do that to them!”

“I said I wouldn’t kill them and use them for parts. Tossing them is not out of the question.”

“Then neither is this!” He sank his teeth into Ricardio’s toe. Ricardio shrieked and kicked him until he tasted blood and something unhinged in his jaw. Ice King spat out teeth and glared up at Ricardio; it felt like he’d broken his jaw, so he couldn’t speak without it hurting, but if Ricardio was bending the rules to hurt his friends, then he’d bend them right back to hurt Ricardio.

Ricardio stomped on his stomach and crotch until Ice King was breathless, then pulled out his saw. Ice King closed his eyes; at least Finn and Jake weren’t around to get all bloody. That was gross. The worst part about this, other than how much it hurt, was how it gross he felt afterwards.

At least he wouldn't have to look at it.

Chapter Text

“Simon says Finn and Jake wake up.”

Nothing.

“Simon says Finn and Jake talk to me again.”

Silence.

“Guys, you’re not playing the game right. You have to do what Simon says.”

Nothing.

“I order you to wake up and talk to me!”

Silence.

“Do I have to beg on my hands and knees? Is that what you want? I’d do it except I don’t have any right now! Do you two appreciate what I go through for you?”

Nothing.

“I should have listened to my mother and married in college.”

Silence.

“...I wish I could tell her she was right. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He dragged the new, sharp stubs of his teeth over his lips, trying to draw blood and wet his mouth. “Simon says he’s sorry.”

Chapter Text

The human body is made of 70% water. It would be easy to yank that out, turn it into ice and ‘shish kebab’ Ricardio next time he showed up.

Ice King didn’t feel like that. He just wanted to sleep.

As time passed, the zanoits would get worse. Was that what he really wanted?

What was he supposed to do? He didn’t know how to cure zanoit poisoning! It didn’t kill people quickly, anyway. He had time to figure something out. The last idea he had was all bunk and terrible, anyway. Curing zanoit poisoning by putting his mind in the body and flushing it out, then taking it over. Who thought that was a good idea?

Funny. He would have had no compunctions about trying to steal someone’s body a few decades ago. It was only now, when he was soft, that he found someone who would be compatible. Softness caused by that compatibility, even.

Finn was his friend. He wouldn’t kill him or Jake, even if he got really mad at them. They were his friends. He could remember how warm they were.

Wasn’t he upset with the state of his body? Especially since such a traitor heart arose from it?

No body-hopping into his friends. Nope. Not a good idea. He could think of something better. Besides, he was already burning through magic to make sure he didn’t die. Surely there was a more efficient way.

Turn Ricardio into a block of ice and explode him.

He really needed to go to sleep.

Chapter Text

He woke up to fingers on the crown, and he smashed them against the floor before he can think. He couldn't let anyone have the crown!

Ricardio howled in pain and slammed Ice King’s head against the floor. Spots of light burst against darkness as his eyes fluttered in pain. The crown was wrenched off while he was weightless, and his head fell back onto the fleshy floor.

“Give it back!”

“No.” Ricardio fit the crown onto his head, testing it out. His head bulged obscenely under the band of metal; the magical light emanating from the crown threw Ricardio’s face into sharp contrasts. “I’m the Ice King as much as you are, so I should be able to use your powers. I think the princess will be coming to see us soon; I want to be able to impress her with my body and my powers.”

As the dizziness cleared, so did the snow in his mind; pain seared through his body, but that left his mind boiling over. Ice King bared his teeth at his heart. “Do you really think you can use it? You don’t know anything about magic!”

“I’m the wearer of the crown! Or part of him. I’ve gotten all the parts from you I need; you can be the heart of my flesh fortress now. The remains of your magic will be enough for you to fuel this place for years.” Ricardio adjusted the crown on his head. “How do you start this working?”

“Do you really think I’m going to tell you?”

“Considering that you’re a useless lump on the floor and I can control what happens to you, yes.” Ricardio folded his huge, false arms.

Ice King saw the beginnings of ice finger the edges of the crown; he felt laughter bubble out of him. “What’s so funny?”

“You think that the crown will take anyone? I made that crown! Made it with magic that I stole!” he sang, his mental finger tracing ridges and furrows etched in his mind. “It’s not going to accept just anyone wearing it.”

“You didn’t make it!” Ricardio rammed his foot into Ice King’s stomach. Ice King hacked for breath. “You bought it off a dock worker! You can’t even remember that when you see yourself saying it? Stop bluffing!”

“I have no,” he wheezed, lungs burning, “idea what you mean. I just,” gasp, “know that if you don’t take it off, you’re gonna die.”

Ricardio grimaced and took the crown off to inspect it. “How? It won’t - augh!” He dropped the crown as it sprouted ice spikes; one almost took off a thumb.

Ice King laughed. “See? She doesn’t like you.”

“Crowns don’t have gender unless you’re speaking a romance language.” Ricardio glared at the crown, which spiked ice from the floor. “How it is doing that?”

“Running off magic leeched from me, probably. She’s a magic crown, after all.” Ice King stuck out his tongue. “Magic, magic, magic. You don’t know how to do magic. All you can do is pretend to be as good at science as my princess is.”

Ricardio growled, picked up the crown and rammed it onto Ice King’s head; Ice King saw stars again. “Take the damn thing!”

“You’re not worthy of the crown,” Ice King said through the haze. He laughed as Ricardio left, disgusted. “You’ll never be worthy!” And he laughed and laughed as the crown’s weight pressed onto his head.

Chapter Text

Green fingers around his ankles, eyeball monsters nudging at his chin, a faint whisper of heat that Ice King saw as nails dragging over his neck; something crawled into the hole in his chest and was a faint, prickling weight; it was too much. They wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Finn, help me! Please! Jake! Anybody!”

Spirit laughter rang loud in his ears. Finn was still slumped against the wall, unconscious, unmoving. Jake didn't stir.

“Help me! Help! Make them stop touching me! Wake up and help me, please! Simon says, Simon says!”

No one came for him.

Ice King screamed.

Chapter Text

The rescue happened in a flash. His princess stepped on him, and then Ricardio showed up with Finn and Jake, and Ricardio stepped on him and there was a fight and it was so loud so many spirits watching and jeering and cheering and his stomach hurt and his arms hurt and his legs hurt and the hole in his chest hurt and it all hurt. He heard people being picked up and carried off. He heard his heart run. It hurt.

He dared to open his eyes as hands smoothed down his chest and started unhooking the veiny cords that pumped in and out of the hole. Pink hands cut them deftly, leaving them to shrivel beside him or stain the hands purple. A magenta sweater edged over both wrists. He looked up at her face, flushed an unnatural pink - or maybe it was the lighting, turning her red hair the same shade as gum. She glistened with sweat. There was something wrong with her face, something missing; what was it?

He frowned and tried to reach up to her face, but his hand fell after a few inches. “He broke your glasses?”

“I don’t wear glasses.” She pulled the last of the cords away, a spurt of magic-infused liquid spattering her sweater and his robes. “It looks like your magic’s prevented infection. Do you know how long you can go without your heart? With all the regeneration magic he’s pumped into you, I hope it’ll be longer than a day. I can’t leave you here while I get help.”

“Four days,” he said, unthinking. “I need a hug,” he added, and his eyes widened as she pulled him up into her arms. He barely had the strength to hold onto her, but he had it; he clung, arms around her shoulders. She smelled like gum. She felt tacky to the touch; he buried his face in her shoulder as she dragged him along the floor and tried to memorize everything about it so he wouldn’t forget this, wouldn't forget her, no forgetting.

She dropped him on the end of a warm thing. The rainicorn. “Lady, can you phase him into your body?”  Her rainicorn spoke in the language of clouds and again, warmth; his legs went through and oh that felt weird. Like falling in a hot tub made of cookie dough. He giggled; rainicorns were infinitely better to be stuck on than floors. The spirits were staying a safe distance from him now. Finn’s foot was hanging in his face.

He heard his princess heave the rainicorn onto her shoulder and start dragging them all: Jake, up over them, Finn with his feet hanging limp, and himself. He smiled and bumped his forehead against Finn’s leg.

“Simon says wake up. I want a hug.”

Finn didn’t wake up. That was alright. Simon could wait until after he took a nap.

Chapter Text

“I’ve done it! I’ve created an antidote for zanoits in humans and dogs!” Princess Bubblegum high-fived Science the rat, then skidded out of her lab and into the main hall of the hospital, a syringe in each hand.

Dr. Princess looked up from her check up of Lady Rainicorn, and Lady looked up from her check up; Marceline whooped from Ice King’s bed. Princess Bubblegum gave them a thumbs up, then ran to Finn and Jake. She could inject cures into flesh people in her sleep, and it only took a few minutes to give them the cure.

“There. They should wake up in an hour or so,”  Bubblegum said.

“Any side effects?” Marceline asked.

“Some memory loss, but nothing too bad. My guess is that it’ll knock out the past couple weeks. It shouldn’t be a big loss; the zanoits had them out cold for most of those already.” Bubblegum put the syringes in the hazardous waste disposal, along with her plastic gloves. She washed her hands and put on a new pair. “Marceline, how’s Ice King doing? Are you sure you have all the ingredients for the heart regeneration spell?”

“We’re all good here, Bonnie.” She rubbed Ice King’s head; he mumbled something incomprehensible in his sleep and snuggled closer to her leg. “He’s still running on a day’s worth of magic, I triple-checked the ritual, we’ve got the remains of his old heart and two things he loves, and the painkillers are working. I don’t think I’ve seen him sleep this well in years.”

Princess Bubblegum nodded. “Ok, then. I think it’s time for surgery. Dr. Princess, can you take over on anesthesia?”

“Of course. Lady and I were finishing up,” said Dr. Princess. “She and the babies are fine; she’s just going to be black and blue for a month.”

“Good. Marceline, can you start the ritual?”

Marceline grinned. “Already drew the magic circle under the bed, and let me get the chant - “ She pawed through her pockets and grabbed a piece of paper out. “I’ll start when you and Dr. P are ready to roll.”

Bubblegum nodded. Some of her candy assistants brought her tools on a tray, and a few others helped her tie on her facemask. “Can you stick around afterwards?” she asked Marceline. “Ice King always disrupts things when he stays around the castle, and if you can help me make him leave...”

“Woah, woah, woah. Every time he comes near me, he makes a huge scene. Do you really want that?” Marceline shook her head. “It’d just make things worse and I’m not his caretaker!”

“You’re the only person he listens to consistently.”

“Yeah, when he’s in a good mood! Otherwise he just sort of falls over like his brain got slurped out with a straw and I have to carry him back to the Ice Kingdom!” Marceline dragged her nails through her hair. “I’m not doing that again. Last time, when he sprung me at the treehouse, was emotionally exhausting enough. Besides,” she added, forcing a smile, “do you really think he’s in any condition to kidnap anyone now?”

“...true.” Bubblegum tugged the tray of tools over to in front of the hole in Ice King’s rib cage with her foot. “I still wish you’d do something about him.”

“I wish you’d stop acting like him raising me means I have to keep him on a leash. I can’t control what he does, and I can’t spend all day watching him which I would probably have to do, and I have a life of my own!”

“You have a responsibility as a daughter - “

“Ladies,” said Dr. Princess, elbowing them apart. “Talk later, science now. The Ice King may be a pain, but he is our patient and in pain and we should operate.”

Bubblegum and Marceline glared at each other, then backed off. Marceline floated off the bed with the page of spells, leaving Ice King grasping nothing. Dr. Princess used her forehead gem to check the appropriate amount of anesthesia; Ice King grasped at her sleeve in his sleep, the beginning of a name on his lips, and she gently shook his hand off and put it back on the bed. Bubblegum checked the diagram for how to arrange the pieces of heart, the maracas and the toffee, and took a deep breath.

“Let’s begin.”

Chapter Text

Ice King faded into waking. His entire body felt like it was stuffed with cotton; his ears rang, but nothing whispered in them. A warm hand was on his. His vision was blurry, when he could get his eyelids open, but. He knew this hand. This person. Blue scaled skin with inferno underneath.

“Marcy?”

And like that, she was gone. He tried to sit up after her, but collapsed onto something soft. Not a floor made of his own skin and muscle, but a bed. A nice, warm bed.

“Vital signs are steady. It was a success,” someone said. His princess. Princess. He tried to sit up again, and something rattled. He tried to look for where it came from and fell back down. “Ice King, you awake?”

“Hi, princess.” He wiggled his fingers up at Princess Bubblegum, who peered down at him. She wasn’t glaring, so she was probably happy to see him. “I’m alive.”

“Good.” She took his pulse sensuously, checked his temperature with what was probably a saucy flip of her hand, and Ice King smiled up at her. “What’s the last thing you remember?”

“‘Shut up, Ice King, and take these pills.’”

“Good.” He reached up to her, trying to get help sitting up, a hug, but she was oblivious and didn’t notice. He waved his arms some more, trying to get her attention. “Ricardio ran away, so I gave you a new heart.”

“You gave me a heart?” That was the most romantic thing he’d ever heard. He tried to sit up again. “You alone gave me one?”

“I had help constructing it and putting you under, but the surgery was all me - “

“Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found you!” Dr. Princess spun by riding a gurney, her ponytail flying. Princess Bubblegum shrugged at Ice King, and Ice King shrugged back. She must have helped put his heart back; she’d done the singing thing after delivering Gunter’s kitten, too.

So he’d gotten a new heart from two sexy ladies. Score! He wiggled his eyebrows at Princess Bubblegum. “So, what’s in the new heart?”

“It’s made of Ricardio’s sinews, toffee and maracas.”

“Maracas?” Ice King reached into the hole in his chest; his fingers bumped against something hard, and there was another rattle. Bump. Rattle. Bump. Rattle. He smiled and started to tap the maracas to make a song that rattled in his chest. “Ma-ra-cas!”

“Yes, they’re maracas. Why don’t you go back to sleep? You’re still weak.” Princess Bubblegum poked his forehead under the crown, and Ice King nodded. He could do that. Princess Bubblegum knew better than he did, after all, and he wasn’t going to ignore the suggestion of a beautiful woman.

Though.

“Finn and Jake?”

Princess Bubblegum turned; Ice King followed her eyes to two prone forms on other beds. “I gave them an antidote. They’ll be fine.”

“Oh.” He smiled and closed his eyes. His friends were ok.

~*~*~

“I am pregnant!”

“I’m puppies?”

Jake stared at Lady Rainicorn for a long moment before hugging her. Finn stared, and Ice King stared too. Warmth bubbled out of the maracas and into the tips of his fingers and toes and if Lady was pregnant that meant children and a family and his friend Jake was going to be a dad and Ice King whooped. He hopped off his bed and scooped Finn into his arms, spinning him around, laughing. “Puppies!”

“Ice King, put me down!”

Finn was alive and yelling at him! Ice King laughed as Finn shoved a hand in his face and tried to crawl out of his arms. “Puppies, puppies! Happy day!”

“Ice King!” Finn landed a punch on his nose, cracking cartilage. Ice King clapped his hands over his nose and dropped him, and Finn scrambled away and over to Jake. They spoke quickly, too low for him to hear, so Ice King stayed where he was and shook his maracas in a celebratory dance.

It’s not like he needed them to talk to him, anyway. He could wait away from them.

He danced until Finn grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the room. Ice King giggled and followed him through the winding halls of the castle, through the candy kingdom, and onto the grassy plains outside the tall toffee walls. Ice King hummed and rattled his maracas to the beat of their footsteps, experimenting in how to thrum them when he walked on the balls of his feet or when he stomped. He didn’t stop until Finn had him well into the plains and said:

“Ice King, you need to go home.”

Ice King blinked. He tilted his head. “But I want to stay here with you.”

“Why do you think I took you out here?”

Finn’s face had a look that Ice King didn’t understand. He tapped his crown, pondering the question. “So we could plan for the baby shower without Lady and Jake knowing? We may not have a lot of time, I don’t know how long puppycorns gestate.”

Finn shook his head. “I was getting you out of there because the Princess wanted you to go and you were interrupting Lady and Jake talking.”

“But I was dancing to celebrate!” Ice King shook his chest a few times. “See? I’m happy! I’m not trying to ruin anything! We’re friends and friends celebrate friends having kids!”

Finn kept on making strange faces, his brow furrowed. “Ice King...” Ice King couldn't figure out why he was making those faces. They were bad faces. What should he do? He couldn’t just leave Finn looking like that, even if Jake wanted alone time with Lady. What should he do? He went over the last few weeks, details, trying to pry something out of the memories that would help.

“Can I touch you?”

“Huh?” Finn’s face got even weirder. He wasn’t used to Ice King asking first, Ice King thought. Since Finn had to tell Ice King he had to ask. “Oh, uh, yeah.”

Ice King leaned in and kissed Finn’s forehead, like Finn had done for him in the cave. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome?” Finn kept on making a weird face.

Ice King patted his head, satisfied that he’d explained himself for everything in the cave. Finn was obviously too preoccupied with oncoming puppies to talk about that right now. “Come visit me later, ok?” He knew Finn would come. He felt all bubbly all over; he was a good friend and Finn and Jake would come back for him.

“Ok,” Finn said. Ice King giggled and launched himself into the air, his beard flapping, and flew home shaking his maracas. He'd write all about this in his diary when he got home! It was great! And maybe he'd remember Finn's good advice about asking permission. He'd keep it in mind if the circumstances were right. Some of those princesses had to be faking...

~*~*~

Finn watched Ice King leave. What had gotten into him? He was rarely that friendly with him.

Oh, well. Princess Bubblegum had said that there would be some memory loss from the zanoits; maybe he and Jake had helped Ice King in the cave? But Ice King was usually a lot more physical when he was friendly. It couldn't have been that important if that was all he had done in thanks.