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Chapter Text

Sirius was coming off a twelve hour shift and very much looking forward to a bath with a glass of wine and then his bed. It was probably the best purchase he had ever made and it felt like he was sleeping on a cloud. Sirius was a physician’s assistant in the emergency department and he loved the people he worked with, and the constant activity as well as the variety of patients kept him engaged. But sometimes the work was emotionally draining. There were lots of patients that they couldn’t save, or couldn’t help. They lost elderly patients the most of course, but some cases were harder. Children who were sick or dying, families in poverty, and the mentally ill. But Sirius loved being able to help people. 

He’d learned a lot of first aid growing up, and he and Regulus needed it. Often because of Walburga and Orion, but they definitely weren’t ones to patch them up afterwards or provide any comfort. It had driven him to medicine, hoping to help others so they didn’t have to help themselves. 

What Sirius did not expect was to face more medical situations that night rather than resting his tired feet and weary body. 

He reacted just in time to slam on breaks and come within inches of a van in front of him that had been t-boned. The light had just changed, which made everything better than it could have been otherwise, but Sirius’ heart was still pounding. His ears were ringing a bit from the sounds of the collision and he took a second to get his bearings before he leapt out of the car and into action. Of course he wasn’t used to working in the field and there was glass strewn around, a few pieces of the vehicles had fallen onto the road. A couple of other people had also gotten out of their cars and he instructed them to call 911. 

Sirius ran to the van in front of him and pulled the door open. A man with curly brown hair looked over at him and Sirius gave him what he hoped was a reassuring smile. His eyes met beautiful deep brown ones, and Sirius did a quick assessment. His face was covered in blood and he thought he’d been cut by the windshield. Bruises were forming from the air bag having deployed, but luckily the man had been wearing his seat belt. The wounds on his face didn’t appear to be too deep and at first glance, Sirius didn’t see any other blood. He took his pulse and it was strong even if elevated. “Does anything hurt?” Sirius asked, counting his breathing, which was normal. 

“No more than usual besides my face,” the man answered. 

“And can you feel your arms and legs?” Sirius asked, gently feeling his neck, which seemed stable. 

“Yes,” the man said. 

“Okay, good. I am going to check the other car but the ambulance is almost here, okay?” Sirius told him, patting his shoulder. 

Sirius ran around to the other car, but this was a little more tricky because he couldn’t get the driver's side door open. The driver seemed to be the only one in the vehicle and was luckily conscious. 

“Oh my God. Is the other person okay? I dropped my phone and didn’t see the light change colors. I can’t believe this,” the man said. 

Sirius sighed, but made a quick assessment. He heard these types of stories too often. Distracted driving was so dangerous, but nothing seemed to make people realize it. Sirius asked a list of questions and it seemed like overall, the two in the crash were pretty lucky. Sirius thought that this one might need surgery, since their abdomen was tender, and he directed the first paramedics on scene to the second car and went back over to the first person. The other ambulance was a few minutes out still. 

“Sir, won’t you get back in the van?” Sirius said when he approached and the man was slowly getting out. He looked like he was in more pain than before, and Sirius started second guessing his assessment. 

“Please, I just need out,” the man said, his breathing quickening. 

Sirius went to help him, encouraging him to sit on the ground. He realized that it wasn’t the accident, the other man was panicking. 

“I just. Need the air,” he said, hanging his head and tapping a finger repeatedly on his leg. 

“Okay, it’s okay. I’ve got you, can you breathe with me?” 

The man nodded, and they took deep breaths together until he seemed to relax a bit. “Are you hurting worse? Has anything changed?” Sirius asked. The adrenaline was fading a bit, and he wasn’t used to practicing medicine without equipment and  being in a familiar environment. 

“No, I’m the same. Um. Could you do me a favor? Could you get my wheelchair out of the van? Only, I don’t want it to be mishandled by the towing company or anything,” he said. 

“Uh. Sure,” Sirius said, giving the man another glance. He was handsome, Sirius fully noted now that things had calmed and there didn’t seem to be immediate danger or anything else he could do. 

He thought of and grabbed his first aid kit and then brought both things over to the man sitting a safe distance on the side of the road. 

“I have rheumatoid arthritis if you’re wondering,” the other man said with a small sigh. 

Sirius had been wondering. The doctor side of him trying to decide if whatever chronic condition the man had should have factored into his split second decisions for triage. But Sirius had made the best decision he could and knowing this actually wouldn’t have changed it. He got permission and was cleaning the man’s face, after putting light pressure on the cut bisecting his face. 

“Thank you for telling me, you didn’t have to,” Sirius responded, trying to keep his voice level and without pity. He knew that it could be a painful disease and depending on severity, affect different systems of the body as well as the joints. 

He suddenly realized just how close he was to the other man, and he didn’t know why it made his pulse speed up a little. He was around patients all day, getting very close to them because it was often needed to give treatments. 

“I’m Sirius, and I want to get a dog. A huge one,” he blurted out, trying to distract himself and hopefully the other man too, whose face had creased, possibly in more pain now that they were further from the moment of impact. 

“Alright?” the man answered, giving him a curious glance. “I’m Remus.”

“Well, you told me something personal about yourself, so it was the first thing I could think of to tell you in return.” 

“Ah. Yes. I love dogs myself. I have a cat though, it was my mom’s. I think it hates me, but he’s easy enough to care for,” Remus offered. 

“Cats usually hate me too, you’re in good company,” Sirius said. He searched for something to say, he didn’t know why he wanted to know everything about this man that he’d spent so little time with. Sirius didn’t often feel drawn to someone, hadn’t really with the exception of his best friends James and Marlene. There were others in his close circle of course, Peter, Dorcas, Lily, and Mary. But they all took time to form a deep bond, or that bond formed because they were loved by someone he loved. It was like when he met James, but also different, because he never wanted to kiss James. Okay, maybe that was a lie, at fifteen they’d wanted to practice and see what it was like, but after it was over, they decided never again.

“Yeah, it… Uh. Well…” the man–Remus, stuttered, but they were cut off by the sounds of sirens. The police, who had checked on them and then dealt with traffic control, pointed their way, and before he knew it, a stretcher was there and Remus was answering questions about pain, listing off humira and methotrexate as two of his medications, then Sirius updated them about his vitals and initial assessment. 

“Wait, my chair,” Remus said, as they were loading him in. 

“Sorry sir, we don’t have room right now, can you leave it in your car? Maybe call someone?” the paramedic said as he locked the stretcher in and hooked Remus up to the monitor. 

“Uh. No, I don’t know many people in town yet, but I’m sure it will be okay,” he trailed off uncertainly, giving Sirius a brief glance. 

“I’ll bring it to the hospital for you,” Sirius told him, without thinking. 

“Thank you. I’ll repay you somehow,” Remus told him. Their eyes were locked and Sirius felt seen. 

“It’s okay. No problem,” he assured. 

The paramedic rattled off the hospital name and Sirius watched in a bit of a daze as the ambulance drove off. He was still tired, and in shock. From the flurry of activity of the accident, to meeting this man and feeling things that he didn’t want to think about because he really shouldn’t. He would probably never see him again after today. 

He sighed and trudged back over to his car, popping the trunk again to put the first aid kit back in and see if he could fit the wheelchair. It was pretty small, and light, so it wasn’t as hard as it could have been. He went and searched Remus' car for anything he might need. He grabbed the keys and the phone from the cupholder. It looked intact. He hoped that Remus had his wallet, because he saw no sign of it. He grabbed the jacket on the passenger seat, and figured that everything else would keep. He checked with the police and they didn’t need him, so he headed to the hospital. It wasn’t his own, but they had a good reputation, so he hadn’t put in any protest. Although trying to get information might have been easier from people that he knew. 

He explained what happened, and gestured to the empty wheelchair. They had him wait, so he parked it by the triage station and went to clean up a bit, he still had some blood on his arm that the gloves hadn’t covered. He pushed his hair behind his ears and assessed what he saw in the mirror. He was a little pale, his complexion always being fair and it being the middle of winter, there wasn’t much to be done about that. His eyeliner was a little smudged after so many hours, so he wiped it off the best he could and pulled his hair back into a bun. His scalp had been aching so he’d let it down in the car, but it looked a little wild. 

He shook his head, he really shouldn’t care what he looked like. He should probably just leave the chair and Remus’ stuff with a nurse. He decided to do just that but when he went back out, the front desk advised him not to, and the nurse wasn’t in the triage station. 

So he called James, who was skeptical at the extra effort, but backed off when Sirius just gave in and explained it all. How handsome the man was, the pull to him, feeling like he should do what he could to help. He could envision the playful eye roll, but appreciated that James kept him entertained as he waited. The waiting room was mostly empty, but Sirius still sat in a corner and whispered, trying not to bother anyone. But he also needed the distraction because he was tired. 

“Sirius?” a nurse finally called, and he hung up and grabbed the wheelchair. “Do you want to bring it back yourself, he said you could.” 

“Is he doing okay?” Sirius asked and nodded, following her back. 

“Hmm, he’s stable. Anything else you’ll have to ask him,” she said with a small smile. She directed him to a curtain and Remus told him to come in. 

He was in a gown, bruised all over with his face now stitched, and hooked up to a few IVs. Sirius resisted the urge to be nosy and handed over his phone and asked how he was. They talked for a few minutes before Remus said gently. “Maybe you should head out? You seem tired?” 

“Are you saying I look like shit, Remus?” Sirius asked, his brow hiked up. 

“Uh. No. You’re beautiful. I mean. No. I mean, yes you are. But you do look tired,” he stammered out, and Sirius was ridiculously charmed. 

“Yeah, I’ve been up nearly twenty four hours at this point.” 

“Please go home then, you’ve done more than enough for me. And I appreciate it, but I’m not worth the trouble,” he said quietly. 

“Of course you are, I was happy to help. But you’re right, I should sleep,” Sirius said, slowly standing, but hesitant to leave. 

“Thank you,” Remus said warmly. 

“Anytime,” Sirius said. 

“Well, hopefully you won’t ever have to help like this again, for both of our sakes,” Remus said with a chuckle. 

“That’s true, I suppose,” Sirius said, leaning on the edge of the bed and giving himself a pep talk to walk away. 

“So. Um. I mentioned figuring out how to repay you. Uh. Do you think… Would you maybe want to…” Remus started but trailed off. 

“Nevermind, I’m sorry,” he said, face red. He muttered something else and Sirius was pretty sure he said “this is crazy.” 

And maybe he was right. But that didn’t stop Sirius from flashing him a charming smile and answering. “Whatever it is, the answer is yes.” 

Sirius wasn’t sure if this would go anywhere, if Remus would actually call, if they would keep having these sparks if they tried to actually date, if they even had anything in common. 

But he did know that he wanted to find out. 

Chapter Text

Remus gave Hope one last hug from where they were sitting outside of platform 9 ¾  and let her take his face into her hands. She gave him a warm and gentle smile making Remus not really want to go back to school. He missed his friends of course, but the pressure of NEWTs and everyone worrying about jobs was enough to make him want to bury his face into Hope’s neck and sob. Not that he’ll admit it to anyone, but he’d already done that several times this summer. He’d tried to skip career counseling in 5th year, it had just seemed pointless to him. Lyall wasn’t the greatest father, but he tried. But Lyall set the best example he could for Remus and he’d always done everything he could to keep him and the family safe, but doing so affected them all. Lots of moving around, secrecy, Both of having to homeschool Remus and Hope not being able to work to take care of him. Remus couldn’t shake the feeling that he resented him though, their life hadn’t been easy. Their house and their clothes had seen better days, but they all did what they could to make it feel like home. But they had enough food to get by, even if that meant that Remus and Hope spent a lot of time in the garden and taking care of the cows and chickens. They traded what they grew plus eggs and milk for other things they needed, and it kept them busy at the least. 

Remus wasn’t the biggest help more often than he would like. He had been getting dizzy lately, a few times he had even passed out. Madam Pomfrey had mentioned something about high heart rate, low blood pressure, not eating enough, and blood levels. Remus had tried to listen because he knew it was important but like everything else, he just tried to get used to it and how to make it better. On top of that though, he was constantly either too cold or overheated because his body didn’t regulate temperature well and fluctuated from being starving to being nauseous and not wanting to even think about food. Sleep was much the same, he was either fidgeting and unable to be still, during which he was more of a help to Hope. Or else he was tired and could sleep 12 or more hours in a day. He usually only let himself do that the day of the moon and the one following though. Because Hope needed his help when he was home, and when he was in school he had to study. Lyall had also been open about what a future might look like for Remus with the political climate and his lycanthropy. And the picture he painted was not great. The wizarding world did not take kindly to werewolves in general, and patterns of his life would become apparent. Muggle work may be a little easier, but again, absences would make it challenging. His friends all said that they would help him figure it out, and that there would always be room for him when they got their own places, but it just made Remus feel guilty. He already felt like he was enough of a burden when he was sick or hurt, and that all he did was take. He tried to help with homework and studying, to be a good listener when they needed a friend, and look for any way to give back but he felt like there was always a deficit. 

Especially with Sirius. His boyfriend had always noticed things about him and did things to help, usually without crossing any boundaries to make Remus feel like a child or that he couldn’t do it himself. Sirius gave him massages, offered him the exact potion at the same time Remus would need it even if he wouldn’t ask for himself. Sirius always slowed down on the days Remus needed a cane, taking either his books or his bag and just acting like he would do it for the others who he cared about. And to be fair, he would. He’d helped James after Quidditch injuries or Peter after pranks gone wrong. But he did things like that for Remus most often of all. Sirius would read to him or listen to music in the dorm whenever Remus was tired or overstimulated when there were too many people. 

Remus tried to do thoughtful things for him as well. He’d learned how to braid, do fingernail polish and apply eyeliner for Sirius, and just kept on doing it even though Remus knew that Sirius could do it himself if he wanted now. He always brought Sirius into a hug when it looked like he was too deep in thought about his family. If Sirius wasn’t able to sleep, Remus would either go and lay with him, or they would go to the window seat in the dorm or up to the astronomy tower to smoke. Remus fixed his tea in the mornings, and made his breakfast while Sirius laid his head on the table for a few extra minutes. 

These thoughts led him right back to why he was reluctant to leave Hope and go onto the train. Hogwarts. It wasn’t so much school in general. Remus loved learning, it felt good to get O’s on his classwork, especially with how hard he had to work to study and play catch up. He envied his friends sometimes. They were all naturally clever and magic was intuitive to them. While Remus magic could be powerful, it was also kind of wild and it sometimes felt like it was fighting against what he wanted to do. Which could lead to problems or things catching on fire or spells that were slightly varied or came out stronger than they should. But he had honed self-control and tried to harness it, especially since first year, when no one really wanted to work with him besides Lily or the three other marauders. But he was proud of the progress he had made there and his OWL scores as well as 6th year exam results. He felt like he had to be as close to perfect as he could, needing validation academically and wanting to prove that he belonged at Hogwarts. 

He wished that he could just keep taking classes the rest of his life, or ideally, he would like to be a teacher. But he really saw no way that could happen. He led study groups sometimes as a way to serve detention. He loved it, even though the others playfully gave him a hard time about it. And at first, he thought that Professor McGonagall wouldn’t have him keep doing it, but the younger students took to him, and it was beneficial all around. But he liked to figure out how to explain things in different ways for kids who all learned different ways. The younger students overall were really sweet to him, and there had been a few that tried to feel out boundaries. Remus knew that he wasn’t the most attractive person. He had scars, his nose and ears were too big, he had lots of freckles, he liked to wear comfy sweaters. Remus was clumsy, always dropping things, and especially when he was tired, tripping over things. He knew he stuttered sometimes and while Lily had tried to teach him what to do with his hair, his curls just didn’t like him. Lily helped him sometimes when Sirius wanted to take him on a date, usually a picnic by the lake or if Remus was up to it, a walk to a garden that was on the edge of the grounds that had beautiful flowers in the springtime, and that would have a perfect layer of crunchy leaves in the fall. 

But Remus would give a few stern words to the kids, or else tell them they needed to leave and they could ask the professor for someone else. Most ended up coming back and while they glared at him or whispered and giggled to themselves; Remus didn’t care mostly. He’d had the looks of either pity or others making fun of him most of his life. He was the weird, quiet, sickly kid, who was constantly new in town before Hogwarts.  

He really had no idea how he was so lucky to have the group of friends that he did. And he felt constantly lucky and completely befuddled about why Sirius chose him to date. Remus had also overheard many conversations of people wondering exactly the same thing. One girl was brave enough (or stupid enough, depending on your take on it) to ask Sirius, but to this day, Sirius acts like she doesn’t exist after telling her to shut her mouth and to fuck off. But Sirius never seemed embarrassed of him, was always happy to be holding his hand or giving him kisses on the cheek and the forehead, saying sweet things to make him blush. Sirius told him that he was beautiful and kissed his scars instead of shying away from them. Remus didn’t like sex, so that was yet another thing that made him wonder what Sirius saw in him, but he felt so very grateful that he did. 

“You okay, cariad? We should probably get you onto the train,” Hope asked, breaking him from his thoughts of the upcoming school year and of his boyfriend. Which actually did make him want to get up off the bench and get a kiss. Three weeks had been way too long of a time since being hugged and cuddled by Sirius. 

“Yeah. Tired,” he muttered. Which was true, just not the whole truth. He made to stand, but his head spun and it felt like his knee and hip locked into place and he found himself falling forward fast. 

“Hey, I’ve got you,” Sirius said. It seemed like he appeared out of nowhere, and his strong arms caught and steadied him. Sirius was supporting most of his weight until he could get his right leg to cooperate. 

“Please have Madam Pomprey try to look at it again, your da didn’t know what else to do,” Hope said gently. She had handed him his cane, which was probably stupid of him to not grab to begin with, but he was sometimes in denial about how much his body hurt and was weak sometimes. He was seventeen not seventy, but wishing for something to be different wouldn’t make it so. 

“Okay,” he said, trying to keep any heat out of his voice. Hope had always babied him and most of the time Remus was fine with the caretaking, she was his mother after all, and he used to actually not be able to do a lot for himself. But sometimes he just wanted everything to be normal, and when she or his friends would ask, he knew that it came from a place of care. But it also made him feel even more powerless being told what the best thing for him was. And sometimes, he would have eventually done whatever they asked, but he just wanted the independence to make the decision about how and when. Other times, they were just wrong. If he ate when he felt a certain kind of nausea, he would just get ill and feel worse and weaker. Or, like with his leg, it would be something that would never be 100% again. Yes, Madam Pomfrey might be able to help a bit, but at what point was he just being a bother? If he slept whenever he was tired, he would spend half of his life asleep, if he didn’t study as hard as he did, then he would get behind. If he didn’t take walks, or do the things  he could still do, even though it hurt, he would lose muscle and function. 

So, he knew that they wanted to help, he really did, and he usually didn’t say anything unless they were really pushing a boundary, or if he had already said no more than once. And he had mostly learned to just see, process, and feel that they were giving him love and support. 

“Ready Moony?” Sirius asked, staying on his right side, giving him a bit of support, but allowing Remus to use his cane and take the weight that he could. 

“No, just a bit dizzy, hold on,” Remus answered, closing his eyes and taking a few deep breaths. “Could you get me a few lemon drops?” He hoped that a bit of sugar might help since he hadn’t felt up for breakfast, and the lemon might soothe his stomach. 

He gave a nod when he was ready, and stepped through the platform. They all got settled into their compartment and Hope gave them all hugs again before stepping back out and heading home. James had to leave soon to go do Head Boy duties, and Remus was glad that he didn’t have the pressure of being a prefect this year. He knew that it could give him a boost on applications, but he had done it for two years, so that had to count for something.

“So, Moony. What do you think we should do for our first prank?” Peter said, grabbing a notebook they had put all sorts of ideas in–from the absolutely lame, to stupid, to pretty brilliant and then some they had no clue how to execute. 

Remus smiled and snuggled into Sirius’ side, feeling warm and content. His vertigo and nausea had passed, his pain was able to be largely ignored since he was sitting and the potions had finally taken effect. Sirius kissed him on the cheek and whispered a quiet “I love you.” 

Remus couldn’t help but think that all in all, maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad after all. They had a nice bubble from the outside world and if he focused on the good things, he could make this year great. And he had plenty of good. A handsome boyfriend, a group of awesome friends, and that would be enough.

Chapter Text

“Moony? You still with me?” Sirius teased. He snuggled into his boyfriend’s neck and peppered a few kisses into the warm, soft skin. He smelled so good here. Not just from the soap but also, just the scent that was all Remus. When he smelled amortentia in potions class, it was one of the things. Then it also had sugar, the smell of old books, the crisp air of the forbidden forest, broom polish, the smell of curry cooking, and the fruity shampoo Peter wears. The scent of romantic love, platonic love and familial love all wrapped into one. 

“Yeah, just feels nice,” Remus said, voice slow and raspy. Sirius would rather like to bite him, in the best way possible. But that might lead somewhere that would put more strain on Remus’ body. So, Sirius suppressed that urge, marking it for about four days from now. 

Sirius smiled at that thought and pushed Remus into a sitting position. He made a low whine of protest, his eyes heavily blinking at Sirius. “I’m just gonna wash your hair.”

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“I know. I want to though. Please?” Sirius slipped out from behind him, and gave him a pleading look. He loved to take care of Remus, to do anything he could to ease his pain. He knew that it was a delicate balance, because Remus was independent and he could be stubborn. He forever felt like he was a burden and Sirius wanted nothing more than to prove him wrong. That Sirius would love him no matter what. If the days he was weak around the moons extended from two days to weeks, or every day. Sirius loved having a tangible way of showing Remus he cared. He felt a sense of accomplishment every time he was able to do something to ease his aches even a little bit. So he watched Remus, figured out what was hurting and little ways to make it better. He watched and learned Remus’ body language, to know when he was receptive to attention and doting, when he could be talked into it, and rare times these days that Remus would say no, and Sirius was learning that was a personal thing. Remus set limits, and even if Sirius thought he should get more help, Remus knew his body better. 

It has been a learning process, and one that he hoped they would keep getting better as they spent their lives together. They had real hope of that these days, it was looking bad two years ago. There was the night that he told Snape about the Willow and the fall out, and then the whispers of war that had been brewing escalated. But by the end of sixth year, Sirius had started to see a mind healer, and was dealing with his depression and the effects of his upbringing. Remus had realized that Sirius hadn’t been doing well and wasn’t coping well. After giving Remus the space that he needed and numerous long conversations and apologies, Remus had decided to forgive him and continue their relationship. They’d never officially broken up, but Sirius thought it was unspoken. Remus hadn’t. And Sirius worked to build up his trust. And considered himself lucky every time that Remus told him he loved him and meant it. 

Remus was too good to him, gave him validation and comments and took him on dates. And Sirius is learning that it’s okay to accept the love that is given so freely. That forgiveness was Remus’ decision and that Sirius was allowed to receive it. 

But in the midst of fixing his relationship and making some progress with mental health, Voldemort was defeated. The ministry was still working on hearings, trials and tracking down death eaters, but peace was returning to the wizarding world. It was shaky and people were still afraid, but the pressure of facing war when they left school had been lifted. They were being given freedom to consider careers. The muggleborn and half-bloods were able to walk the streets freely and wouldn’t, in theory, be discriminated against when they were applying to university or looking for a job. 

Sirius had always wanted to fight against everything his family stood for and he had been trying to tell himself that fighting a war against blood purity and control would be a great way to do it. But he also looked at all of his friends and was afraid of losing them. Because in war, choices were made, bad things happened, and people died. So many people had already died, both in fighting and from attacks. 

But now, he could hope for the future. For his brother to see that his family was horrid and get out. There was a bigger chance that he could see Lily and James get married. Maybe him and Remus could one day too. The future held some hope and brightness instead of the fear that had been there. 

Now he was setting his mind on becoming a healer, Lily was talking about going into potions research, James was going to become a quidditch player, but would be starting to manage some of the family business and using their money and influence to help with the rights of magical creatures. Peter was going into a herbology internship but also hoped to be able to do something to help Remus as well. Remus felt embarrassed that his friends were centering their money, lives, or careers around him. But Sirius assured him that they would be doing things that they enjoyed. And they deeply cared about Remus and wanted to help others like him as well. Not enough people cared, and if they were personally invested and didn’t use their career choices and intelligence to do something. Anything , then that would be failure on their parts as well.
Because Remus was worth it. 

His life was worth it. 

They wanted him to be in less pain, for this condition to not tear him apart. For him to live a longer and happier life. They all knew it wouldn’t be easy, and there would be push back and that it might never come to anything. But they could hope. 

Because Sirius hated to see Remus in pain. The moon was weighing on his body, pulling at his muscles and bones. Remus always tried to minimize what he was going through, but it's not easy to see someone you love hurting. 

“It’s okay Sirius, I’m used to it,” Remus said, sitting up fully and giving him a small smile. 

“I know. Lean your head back,” Sirius told him, and proceeded to wash his curls and lightly scratch his scalp. Sirius loved this vulnerability and openness from Remus, and even though he didn’t like the reason, he liked the intimacy of washing Remus off, of touching his skin, not for sex, but just as a way to show affection. He loved putting the conditioner into his hair, and Remus actually allowed him to shape his curls. Most other times of the month, Remus liked to be more in charge, being the one to wash off Sirius if they showered together, so it made these moments even more special. By the time he was done, the warming charm for the water was wearing off, so he gave Remus a hand out, supporting him on the slippery floor since he didn’t have his cane or his leg brace. 

“Lay on your stomach, my love,” Sirius instructed after they got him into boxers, and spelled their curtains shut. The other two could be back at any time, and while they saw Remus unclothed at the full moon, Remus was still more reserved, so Sirius kept these moments to themselves. 

Remus obeyed, and he sang quietly to Sirius as he found the knots in Remus’ shoulder, lower back and especially his hip and in his right calf, the leg that gave him the most trouble. His voice trailed off, and he jolted a bit, probably trying to keep himself awake even though he was so relaxed and sleepy. Sirius offered him a potion and he stopped his singing and his breathing started to even out. 

“I’ve got you Moony, just sleep,” Sirius said. 

He curled into Remus' side, and counted his soft breathing until he fell asleep pressed up against the love of his life, feeling safe, secure, and warm. 

Chapter Text

Remus entered the dorm, feeling more confident about his exam coming up as well as the grades for first years that he just had a study session with. He’d studied with Lily, which had inevitably turned into gossip. Lily heard so many things on her prefect rounds and just had to share it with someone. And Remus, even though he would deny it to the boys, liked knowing things. He liked to know what made other people tick, what things they showed to the public versus what went on behind closed doors. 

Remus, in an ideal world, would either like to be a teacher or a counselor. It wasn’t likely because the wizarding world at large, even though Voldemort had been defeated, still does not look kindly on werewolves, and would especially be up in arms if he was working with children. He hoped that things would change, or perhaps he could find a private family to tutor, or even work in a muggle school. But he also loved learning about how the mind works, and its different responses to mental illness as well as trauma. 

He’d done a lot of research because of both him and Sirius. They both had childhood trauma and even though it looked very different, there were very real consequences and things that followed them around. Remus couldn’t see a mind healer officially like Sirius was, however he did meet with Madam Pomfrey to talk about his mental health. She has helped him a lot, giving him coping strategies as well as trying to help him see that trauma responses were not his fault but there were ways that he could try to change thought patterns. They’ve been trying a few potions but she thinks that his lycanthropy has been affecting how they normally alter brain chemistry in a typical wizard. She’s been throwing herself into research but afraid to mess around too much with the existing formulas, not knowing if it might cause side effects or other unintended symptoms. It was a delicate balance because not a lot was known about lycanthropy because not many people cared enough to fund research. Those that do sometimes have a hard time getting people to open up to them or try out any potions that they might develop. Many werewolves hold a deep mistrust for wizards, and with good reason. They often isolate themselves and are afraid that the potions could be a trap to kill or tame them. 

Remus sighed, knowing there wasn’t much he could do, especially while at school, and tried to redirect his thoughts. But as he entered the dorm room, mental illness was very much something that he needed to face head on. 

Sirius was in the corner, tears streaming down his face, and his breathing was uneven and much too quick. 

Remus rushed over to him, dropping his cane out of the way, and sitting by his side. 

“Are you okay with touch right now?” Remus asked. He badly wanted to pull Sirius into his arms, but sometimes when he was having a panic attack, someone touching him only made him retreat further into his head, making it harder to help him calm down. 

Sirius shook his head, and buried his face into his knees, rocking forward and back in tiny movements. 

“Okay, that’s okay. I’m here, though, and you are safe. You are in our dorms at school, Walburga and Orion are back in London, and they have no way to reach you here. It’s September 1977 and you haven’t been with them in years, and you never have to go back.” Remus found that sometimes letting Sirius know where he currently was and when he was could help.

“I love you, and I will never hurt you. James loves you and he’ll always be your best friend. Effie and Monty are your parents now and the last thing they want is for you to be sad, the only reason they will ever touch you is to give you love. They will never raise a wand at you with negative intent. Peter loves you, and he always wants to make you laugh. You’re safe.”

Sirius stopped rocking and seemed to at least be able to take in a bit of what Remus was saying. His breathing was still too fast though, and he was still crying. 

“Sirius? Can you try to breathe with me? You can put your hand on my chest if you want to feel it, and I still won’t touch you until you’re ready,” Remus offered, knowing sometimes it helped ground him, and helped him feel when he should breathe. 

Sirius raised his hand hesitantly and then placed it on Remus’ chest, only flinching a little. 

Remus focused on breathing slowly and deeply, holding it in and then letting it out. Quietly counting the inhales and exhales. It took awhile, and time got a little fuzzy but he noticed the gradual stopping of Sirius’ crying, and his breathing finally coming back to normal. A little while after that, Sirius took Remus by surprise by throwing himself into his lap, and wrapping his arms around Remus’ neck. 

“Hey, it’s okay, I’ve got you,” he paused, then double checked, “can I touch you?” 

“Yes,” Sirius said, voice thick and muffled. 

Remus wrapped one arm around Sirius’ lower back and used his free hand to rub slowly up and down. He felt him slowly relax into him, and Remus started playing with his hair, which he knew that Sirius loved. 

Once Sirius seemed to be back to himself, Remus shifted, and winced. The full moon was the next night, and sitting on the floor, plus Sirius’ weight on his lap wasn’t doing him any favors. But he didn’t want to say anything because Sirius needed him at this moment, and he didn’t want to make it about himself. Remus had felt worse anyways, and anything he could do to make Sirius feel secure and loved after having an attack, he wanted to provide. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Remus asked hesitantly. He didn’t want to bring up the memories again, but he also knew that sometimes it was best to try to talk through what made you upset. Other times, distraction was best, others he just craved silence. But he always wanted to put the offer out there, and make sure that Sirius knew that he could talk to him about anything, even the hard things, the dark things that haunted him, and that Remus would always be there to listen and try to help. 

“Um. I dropped a glass, and I don’t know? I guess I just expected her to be around the corner, ready to punish me or yell at me. It’s stupid, I know. I know that she’s not here. That I hopefully won’t even have to ever see her face again. But… I still just got scared. And I hate that I do things like this. Why can’t I just get over it?” Sirius said. 

“Because you had years in that house. She said and did horrible things to you and conditioned you that there would either be physical or emotional consequences if you did something that displeased her. There is nothing wrong with being scared. It’s only natural that things still bother you. There’s nothing to be sorry for, and nothing to be ashamed of,” Remus said, trying to choose the best words, hoping it would be something that helped, even a little. 

“Maybe, I don’t know.” 

“Well, do you think less of me when I have nightmares? Or dissociate? Or have my own panic attacks?” Remus asked, trying to reframe it for Sirius. 

“No, of course not. It just feels different. I don’t know how to explain it.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. It does feel different whenever it’s someone you love, versus what you are dealing with at the moment. But just know, Sirius, that I don’t think that you are weak. I love you no matter what. I want to be here for you. I want to try to help you to feel safe, and give you a place to work through everything.”

“But, Remus. What you go through, you have reminders every month, you’re in pain so often. So, it’s like you can never separate and totally leave behind what happened. Not only with Greyback, but it’s also directly tied into your dad. How he acted to have it happen in the first place, and even now how he treats you because of things that you can’t control.” 

“Sirius, first of all. It’s not a competition. Everyone’s pain is valid and they deserve comfort. But you have constant reminders of what you faced as well. We’re both working as hard as we can to have ways to deal with it. And I am proud of you for doing that. Asking for help, and allowing yourself to be helped takes a lot of strength and courage.” 

“I suppose you’re right.” 

“I know I am,” Remus teased, successfully drawing a small smile from his boyfriend. 

Sirius shifted on his lap, and Remus couldn’t suppress the wince. 

“Let’s go to bed, huh? I’m tired.” Sirius had definitely noticed, and was doing what he could to make it an offhand comment instead of directly making it about Remus’ pain. And he greatly appreciated it. Sirius gave him a kiss on the cheek, and offered him a hand to get up.

“Is there anything I can do to make it better right now?” Remus asked. 

“Hmm. Maybe some music? And could you braid my hair before bed?”

“Sure. Any requests?” Remus asked as he accepted his cane when Sirius grabbed it from the floor and held it in the air as a question. 

“Maybe something a little quieter but not depressing?” 

“Hmm,” Remus acknowledged, thumbing through their box of records. He selected one and put it on a volume that they could still talk if they wanted. He grabbed a hair tie and gestured for Sirius to sit at the chair in front of his desk. He combed it out, and then sectioned it off, and decided on a dutch braid. He’d been getting quicker with all the practice, but this was still a newer one that Marlene had shown him. Although he was proud of the fact that he could do the french braid in his sleep, probably. 

Once he was finished, he stripped down to his boxers as it was getting late, and they probably wouldn’t get back up. Sirius did the same and crawled into Remus’ bed, the side further from the window, since Remus was usually running hot this close to the moon. Remus marveled at the way that Sirius knew these things and smiled that he noticed so much and some things he just did automatically like it was nothing. After the moon, he would switch sides of the bed and cast warming charms since Remus’ body was drained of energy and it was harder to keep himself warm. 

“Will you read to me?” Sirius requested quietly. 

Remus nodded and grabbed the book they’d been working their way through. Sirius was highly enjoying it and had commented that Bilbo and Thorin were so gay and he was there for it. Their friend Luci from Ravenclaw had let them borrow it but Remus was eager to get his own copy to annotate. That would have to wait though until after they came back from school. With Sirius’ birthday and then the holidays, he wanted to be able to get him and his friends something nice. 

He read until he felt Sirius breathing even out and he turned off the music, the light and then shut the curtain. He laid on his side and pressed himself as close to Sirius as he could and then softly sang to him, hoping to stay calm and hopefully not have any nightmares. 

Remus would do anything he could to keep the man he loved safe and happy. So even though he didn’t always get it right, he tried to learn from it. He tried to notice everything that calmed Sirius, the right times to make him laugh, the other times where he needed quiet or an ear to listen, the times where he needed a full out distraction. The times where he needed to be treated with care and tenderness, others when he needed someone to be strong for him, make decisions and yet others where Sirius wanted to call the shots and be in control. 

It was a process of learning everything he could about his boyfriend, the man that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Who he wanted to give the world to, even though often literally the only thing that Remus had to offer was himself. But Sirius constantly said that was enough. And Remus always tried to trust and believe him. 

Chapter Text

Sirius was getting lost in practicing. While he wasn’t working on a piece for class, and Professor McGonagall might not be the most pleased, he’d been inspired and was playing around with a melody. She couldn’t get too mad if he was trying to compose. He was interrupted by the jarring ring of his phone and he scowled at it. He distinctly remembered turning it on silent, but then realized that the only one who could override that was a call or text from Remus. And this was the call ringtone. Sirius’ heart dropped because Remus knew that he was in practice, and he could only hope that he’d forgotten, not that something had gone wrong. 

He snatched it up and jabbed at the answer button. It wasn’t a video call, which basically confirmed that it wasn’t good, unless Remus butt dialed him. Please let it be a butt dial. 

“Hello?” Sirius answered, voice shaky, desperately hoping that he would get no answer.

“Sirius? I’m sorry. I don’t. What do I do?” James said. 

“What’s going on? James. Focus,” Sirius said, shaking off the nerves and trying to get his head sorted. 

“He’s having a seizure and it’s not stopping,” James said, voice a little hysterical. “Snuffles started nudging Remus to the floor, and Snuffles barked at me. I don’t even know. Remus signed it would be okay and then he just started shaking. His mouth is bleeding Sirius. I can’t remember what to do.”

“How long James?”

“I don’t know, I forgot to set a timer?” 

“How long did you wait to call me?” Sirius prompted.

“Oh fuck. I’m sorry? I should have sooner” James said. 

“Okay, it’s okay. I’m not accusing you, just trying to guess,” Sirius had already started his own timer the moment he answered. 

“Maybe a minute?” James said. 

“Okay, so almost two, we’ll guess. Does it seem to be slowing? What is Snuffles doing?” 

“Uh, he keeps coming to nudge me? Should I go closer? Should I call 911?” James asked. 

“It’s okay. Calm down. We don’t call until 5 minutes,” Sirius said. 

“Five? This already feels like forever,” James interrupted. 

“Is the area clear?” Sirius said, already out the door, walking quickly. 

“Yeah, Snuffles is the only thing that is close to him,” James said. 

“It’s okay, Snuffles knows what he’s doing. Let him work. Maybe get a little bit closer so he doesn’t keep trying to get your attention,” Sirius told him. “Is he already on his side? Did he put anything under his head?” 

“Uh, yeah, a couch pillow. And sort of on his side? He was when it began,” James responded. “He’s kind of moved a lot.”

“Okay, good.” Sirius glanced at the timer. 3 minutes 30 seconds. “Just stay with him, when he stops, roll him completely on his side and check his pulse, just count it for a minute. I’m on my way okay?” 

The distance from the music building had never felt so long. He looked at his timer and wanted to cry. 3 minutes 57 seconds. 

“It’s stopping. Okay. Thank God,” James said. “I’ll count his pulse.”

“There is one right?”

“Yes.”

“Good. I’ll tell you when it’s been a minute.” 

Time seemed to stretch in the silence, until finally. “What’s the number?” 

“50,” James said. 

“Okay, a little slow, but that’s okay. Um, can you watch his chest? Just to be safe? Make sure he keeps breathing until I get there or he wakes up?” 

“Oh God, Sirius. How do you do this? It’s scary. Has he ever stopped breathing? Is that a thing? Wait, Snuffles is moving. Why is he moving?” 

“I know it’s scary, you’re doing fine. You’re keeping him safe,” Sirius answered, trying to keep himself under control. He shook out his hands and wished that he could teleport. “What is Snuffles doing?” 

“He’s laying his head on Remus’ side.”

“But he hasn’t come to you? Nudged Remus’ hand over and over? Barked at you?” 

“No,” James said. 

“That’s fine. He’s just there for comfort then, I’m almost there, okay?” 

“Don’t hang up,” James begged. 

“I’m not,” Sirius answered, although he felt like crying, he knew he needed to get himself together. He was finally at their building and taking the stairs two at a time. He unlocked the door and jogged to the living room. 

“His eyes are open, but he hasn’t really moved. He kind of groaned, but he hasn’t tried to sign, or acknowledge that I have,” James told him as Sirius dropped to the floor beside both of them. 

“That’s okay. That’s normal,” Sirius said. He gave Snuffles a pat and then grabbed Remus’ wrist. His pulse was back up and that was good. Once he was done counting, he just held his hand. 

“How are you so calm? I feel… I don’t even know how I feel,” James said, leaning into Sirius’ side. 

“I’m not, to be honest with you. But I have to keep myself together, it can make it worse for him. I cry later,” Sirius admitted. 

“Can you hand me the towel, a cup of water with a straw and wet a washcloth with cold water?” Sirius asked. There was still blood running down his cheek from where he’d bitten his tongue or the inside of his mouth. He was sick sometimes after, even without biting his tongue, but Lily said he almost always was if he did. 

James gave him all the requested items just in time, because Remus started gagging. Sirius got the towel to catch what came up and folded it over, and paused to see if Remus was done. He seemed to be, and Sirius washed off his face with the damp cloth. 

Remus’ eyes finally seemed to come back into focus and met Sirius’. He struggled to sit up, and both he and James helped him. 

Hello, sweetheart. You’re okay. You had a seizure. Sirius reassured him. He wiped off his face again and then offered him the water. 

Remus just nodded, and kept looking at Sirius’ face. His hands were shaking but he could still take the glass from Sirius. He spit into the cloth that Sirius gave him and folded it over before putting it on the ground and taking another long sip. 

Easy, Sirius instructed him, not wanting to upset his stomach. 

Remus handed it back and then started crying. He hung his head and had his eyes closed so Sirius couldn’t sign to him to ask any questions. 

“Is he alright?” James asked, voicing Sirius’ thoughts. 

“Yeah, probably. He’s postictal, so he’s emotional sometimes. If he needs something he’ll let me know soon,” Sirius said, taking a deep breath and trying to steady himself. 

“I don’t remember what that means,” James said. “Every bit of information you told me and I researched just disappeared from my head whenever it started. 

Sirius could definitely empathize with that. 

Remus briefly looked up and Sirius took that moment to ask him Do you need anything? How do you feel? 

Remus just stared at him for a second, tears rolling down his cheeks. Hold me?

Of course. I've got you. Sirius responded and moved around to where he could hold Remus, and slowly rubbed up and down his back. Sometimes he felt guilty for talking whenever Remus was around, but he wasn’t paying attention so he didn’t even attempt to sign too, especially since Remus would probably get more comfort from being held. 

“Uh. It’s just a term for post seizure. He’s recovering, but usually it doesn’t last long.” Sirius had been through it a couple of times, and most of his information about what to do and what it's like came from Remus and Lily. “He can be confused, tired, emotional, sore, and have a harder time paying attention than usual. If it doesn’t seem like he understands, go ahead and sign anything again. It’s worse than usual,” Sirius said, referring to the times that Remus had absence seizures, or just had a hard time concentrating and lost parts of conversation even when completely in sign. “He is often weak and sometimes doesn’t realize how much. So, be careful if he tries to get up,” Sirius listed everything off as much for his own benefit as James’. This didn’t really ever get easier, even though he was more confident that he had been. He thought back to the first one he witnessed, and he hadn’t even known that Remus was epileptic then. 

Remus started crying harder, and Sirius hugged him tighter. 

“I’ll just give you some space,” James said, getting up off the floor and grabbing the towels. “Do you need anything before I go?” When Sirius shook his head, James added “well, just yell if you do, okay?” 

He was almost out of the room before he asked “Are you alright, Sirius?” 

“I will be.” 

And he knew that they both would be. These things were hard, but he wouldn’t trade his relationship with Remus for anything. And this came along with it. Just like Remus held him through nightmares, and helped him deal with his anxiety, they both wanted to be together and they learned how to help each other with their struggles. 

And so, he kept his arms around Remus, giving him as much love as he could, hoping that he made him feel safe. It took awhile, but even though Sirius was sad that Remus wasn’t feeling like himself right now, and all that he’d had to go through today, Sirius was glad for any reason to hold his boyfriend. 

To take in his scent and feel his warmth. To have him in his arms until Remus was okay again, and lend his own strength when he didn’t have any to spare. 

Sirius knew that Remus loved to feel the vibrations of Sirius’ instruments when he played, and on his chest when he hummed, so he did the only thing he could think of besides physical touch to give him comfort. He hummed to Remus; the melody that Remus himself had inspired, the one that he had been working on before he left. And in his head added the part that he’d been missing, the conclusion, but also something that felt like it held so much hope and comfort. 

Chapter Text

“Can you cast it again?” Sirius asked, re-wetting the warm rag in his hands in the bucket filled with ice water. He gently wiped off Remus’ face and watched helplessly as Remus grimaced in the usual pain, but was also shaking. Not from chills or fever. But from the heat. It was near to breaking records at 34.8 °. Remus was always hotter right before the moon anyways, and he was not handling it well. He was even paler and weaker than usual, and drenched in sweat. He’d done nothing besides drink water all day and even sat in a cold bath earlier. 

“Yeah, of course. Won’t last long though,” James said. He pointed his wand around the bed where they had Remus laying, stripped down in preparation for the moon but also in hopes of cooling him down. 

Remus hadn’t really spoken for about 30 minutes, just made noises that he tried to stop, and kept his eyes tightly shut. 

“It’s almost time anyways,” Peter said, eyeing his pocket watch. “We should change.” 

Sirius was reluctant to and decided to wait until Remus’ first bone began to break. He probably had another two minutes maybe. He hummed softly and kept wiping down his face. He hated feeling so helpless. The moon would come no matter what he did, and Remus’ body would break itself twice a night. He’d be forced to listen to the man he loved scream, bones snapping and then finally when the transformation was over. An almost sense of relief. Sirius loved being Padfoot, and he loved to play with Moony. He knew that Remus hated this part of himself, but Sirius just saw a different part of Remus. One that liked to play, chase, hunt, swim and sometimes even curl up with his pack. Moony was intelligent in his own way, and he had some extent of a memory. He knew who the other three were, he knew that Padfoot was his , he knew the way to their favorite pond, the path that they always had him avoid as well as the way back to the shack. Moony liked to play with Prongs, but he also had a respect for him. Prongs was bloody gigantic and his antlers were large and could help to herd Moony in the direction they needed. He played around with Prongs and could read his mood. In all reality, if it came down to it, Prongs was a prey animal, and Moony probably could suss out his weaknesses and win in a fight. But Moony never seemed to want to hurt them and had a sense of self-preservation and of not wanting to be hurt (well, at least whenever he was not alone, then he would tear himself to shreds because he was frustrated.) 

He prepared himself for the coming night and watched as Padfoot as Remus went away and Moony came into the forefront. 

He howled with him and followed as they ran through the forest. The heat didn’t seem to be affecting Moony like it did Remus, which was unfair. But Moony didn’t seem to ever really show any negative side effects when he was a wolf unless physically hurt by himself or an outside force. He never seemed to have body aches like Remus in human form, his hip and leg didn’t seem to bother him, he never seemed sick or fatigued. And that was the only time he ever really felt anything negative towards the wolf. It wasn’t something that either side of Remus/Moony could help, so he just accepted it as life and loved him the best he could. 

Moony was panting, sure, but he was still going his normal speed, but the rest of them were feeling the weather. Sirius’ chest felt tight from the exertion and his paws burned. Prongs was making funny noises every little bit and Sirius didn’t think he’d ever seen a stag sweat before. Wormtail, well he might be fine, he was hitching a ride and Sirius didn’t have time to pay attention. 

Summer was some kind of bloody curse. 

Sirius let out a whine and Moony stopped to look at him. He circled around and sniffed Sirius, seeming to assess something. He gave him a nudge, and they set off again, but at a slower pace. The ground still felt like it was scorching his paws, but he could at least breathe a bit better. He realized that Moony was leading them to the pond, and it was deliciously cool there. They splashed around for hours until Moony seemed to be done and eyed Sirius before walking back to the shack instead of running. 

Sirius was panting heavily again by the time they got there and he was pretty sure that his paws were bleeding, something quickly confirmed whenever Moony nudged him to lay down and started licking them. Once he seemed satisfied, he curled up around Padfoot and quickly fell asleep. With both of their warm fur it wasn’t comfortable, but the shack had cooled some, especially in the deep night and he finally fell asleep as well. 

He awoke to Moony whining, pacing back and forth and looking agitated. The darkness outside was just beginning to lighten and he knew the wolf must be in pain. He hopped to his feet painfully and shook out his fur, a little stiff from the pond water. Padfoot nudged Moony’s side and then gave him a few licks. Moony just glanced at him and kept walking the length of the room back and forth. He finally howled, whined and whimpered until the reverse transformation took hold. Sirius always thought it must be easier going from an animal that large back into human, but he knew that bones, muscles, tendons, joints and organs all had to shift and change, so neither could be easy. There was an almost eerie quiet when the two consciousnesses must be meeting and switching control, and Sirius counted down until it was fully Remus again lying on the floor. 

Despite the rising temperature in the shack, he was shaking and his body was cold. He’d just burned so much energy in changing as well as Moony’s activities. Sirius shifted back and went over to check on Remus. His breathing and pulse were a bit fast, but nothing concerning. He didn’t see any bruises and it looked like all of the bones were set correctly. Those mornings were hard to watch, and that was one of the reasons that Sirius was now interning with Madam Pomfrey and would be going into healer training out of school. He wanted to be able to help Remus however he could. And hopefully it would also lead to knowledge from the other healers and mediwitches on ways to manage it, and he hoped to meet some visiting colleagues, especially from places where lycanthropes weren’t so discriminated against. 

But that was all in the future, and right now, Sirius used the skills he did have to run a rudimentary diagnostic spell as well as heal the single scratch that must have been from a tree as well as the burns on his hands and feet, transferred from the hot ground on Moony’s paws. 

When he finished he looked up to see that Remus was looking at him. 

“Hello, love.” 

“Hi, sweetheart,” Remus answered, voice low. 

“Anything hurt more than usual?” 

“Nah. Are you okay?” Remus asked. 

“Me? Yeah, why?” 

“Your hands,” Remus said, pushing himself to sit. He groaned a bit and rolled his neck around until it cracked, making Sirius wince a bit, no matter how many times he’d heard Remus do it. It just reminded him of the sounds of transformations. Remus picked up his palm for inspection and tsked. 

“Heat?” Remus asked. He reached for Sirius’ wand, which always gave him a bit of a thrill to see. While wizards could use any wand, wands were also fickle. They could be too weak or strong, or fight against whoever tried to wield them. But sometimes they seemed to recognize bonds between their wizard and the person wielding and it would give a peculiar feeling. Sirius had always thought it was some sort of love story fairytale, because his parents said it was nonsense. But he guessed that the circles he grew up in as a rule didn’t marry for marriage. And it had to be a deep bond, one that magic itself recognized. Effie commented once she thought it might be similar to the kind that occasionally made those deeply in love have matching patronuses. It didn’t mean that the two weren’t in love of course, because even having the same or similar patronuses in couples wasn't the most common. 

Remus gave a small smile like he always did when he used Sirius’ wand, being accepted by it. He cast a simple healing charm on first his feet and then his hands then promised to get some cream for it later if it didn’t completely heal. Remus then kissed both of Sirius’ palms before flopping back on the floor. 

‘Why don’t you let me help you get to the bed?” Sirius asked. 

“Nah, too tired,” Remus muttered, his eyes falling closed. “Do your paws feel better?” He asked sleepily. 

“My paws?” Sirius laughed. 

“Yeah, you know.” 

“Yes, Remus. You mean my hands and feet?” 

“What about them?” Remus asked, opening one eye to look at Sirius. “Oh right. The paws. Do they hurt anymore?” 

Paws. Sirius suppressed a giggle and shook his head. 

“How much longer?” 

Sirius looked at the pocket watch Monty and Effie had given him when he turned seventeen and then the sky. “Hmm, maybe ten minutes?” 

“Will you cuddle with me, I’m cold.”

“How in the bloody hell are you cold? The whole of Scotland is trying to melt.” 

But Sirius molded himself around Remus anyways, selfishly relieved that his body was still so cold. “I’ve got you.” He said, breathing in the smell of his boyfriend in his arms, enjoying the weight of Remus pressed against him, and was as content as possible after a full moon night.

Chapter Text

James and Remus were sitting out by the lake, basking in the duality of the warm sun and the coolness of the lake near the Potter’s house. It was summer break and Lyall had reluctantly allowed Remus to visit as it was the new moon. It was the time where Remus felt most human and had the least side effects from lycanthropy. Lyall also felt that he was the least dangerous, but Remus tried not to think about that. It was the first time this summer he could spend time with anyone his age. He and James had exchanged letters often, and he also received a few from Peter, who was traveling with his parents all summer. Sirius couldn’t write any of them while he was at home, and Remus missed his boyfriend. Not even being able to hear from him was like a part of him was missing. Sirius used to be able to sneak a letter at the very least to check on him after the moons, because Regulus would help him. But the brothers’ relationship was strained these days, and Remus thought it might be because Regulus’ increasing fear of his parents. They were putting more pressure on him since Sirius kept acting out more and more. Grooming him to be heir since it seemed more and more likely that Sirius would be disowned. The shaky friendship that Remus and Regulus had formed the last two years, studying together and hiding out from people in the stacks was gone. Regulus never showed up anymore, and Remus missed it. There was a silence that the two could have that he didn’t experience with anyone else, even Lily. And he valued each and every friendship he had, they all brought something into his life, but the academic conversations him and Regulus had were interesting, and although there was very little personal talk, there was enough for Remus to read through the lines. After the holiday break, the last time Remus had any real contact with Regulus it had felt like a goodbye, with subtle but well placed allusions to what was going on at home. 

No one had really said anything about the time they spent together, and Remus figured they probably knew that it happened at least occasionally, but the others had never asked besides the first time they must have been seen together on the map, and they seemed to accept that they were studying. Sometimes Remus was sure that Sirius was going to ask. Whether he was jealous of that time, or he wanted to know how his brother was really doing, or if it could be something else entirely; Remus didn’t know. But bringing up anything about Sirius’ family always ended badly unless Sirius was the one to bring up the topic. 

Remus knew that Sirius came back from breaks quiet and withdrawn whenever he wasn’t forcing himself to try to act like everything was normal, only lowering that act when he was with the three marauders. Remus figured that he talked about it with James, because Sirius was in his bed more than he was in Remus’. Remus always tried to push down the jealousy at the bond between the two of them, he’d known that it wouldn’t change whenever they started dating, and he knew that the feeling was unfair. But he wished that SIrius would open up to him, but it was rare that he did. Remus in turn only told him a bit about his feelings, and things that happened while he himself was at home. Remus knew that it wasn’t healthy, but he was afraid that if he pushed, then Sirius would break up with him, and Remus also knew himself well enough that he would start to feel resentment if he gave more emotionally than Sirius did. So, they stayed in a weird balance, and he didn’t know if Sirius felt it, or was aware at all that anything was off with Remus. 

Besides the feeling of unbalance, there was a secondary reason that Remus didn’t want to try to talk about what he was feeling. Remus felt like a burden a lot of the time, Sirius already did enough for him, physically helping to take care of him. Remus always insisted that he was fine and Sirius didn’t have to, but Sirius always happily gave him massages and baths, gave him potions without asking, always seemed to know what was bothering him based on where in the moon cycle it was, and did everything he could to ease it. Remus tried to look for little things to do the same for Sirius. Giving him distractions based on his moods, going along with pranks that Remus wouldn’t otherwise. Remus has been learning how to braid, paint his fingernails, and help with makeup. He tried to know when Sirius needed physical touch and give it to him the best he could, he listened on the rare times Sirius opened up, and learned how to help him with panic attacks.  Remus read to Sirius a lot, it seemed to soothe him, as well as listening to music together and sharing cigarettes. 

Remus supposed there was a third reason as well. He knew from panic attacks and nightmares that Sirius wasn’t doing well mentally. He lashed out a lot, and he seemed to have especially targeted Snape lately. He seemed to be looking for fights, a place to direct his helplessness with his family, the dwindling relationship with Regulus, and the things that Walburga and Orion did to him. So, Remus didn’t want to add to things that he was stressing about, and had no power to really change. Which, he supposed, was intrinsically tied in with Remus not wanting to be a burden, but it felt like it was for a different reason why. 

Remus was drawn from his thoughts by an owl that was familiar from the last winter and summer holidays. 

Regulus’ owl. 

Which could mean absolutely nothing good.

It dropped letters first in James’ lap and then in Remus’. Whenever they opened them, Remus was immensely glad that he was able to already be with James. Because no matter what Lyall would say, he would have been here in an instant, no matter the length he had to go to in order to arrive. And regardless of the consequences of what might happen at disobedience. 

Find Potter. Come at 17:00. I will get parents out of the house. Be quick. Only the two of you. Urgent. 12 Grimmauld Place. Destroy this. 

James’ parchment said the same. 

The next few hours were a frenzy of planning. They debated if they should get any adults involved but decided ultimately to listen to Regulus. There might be some loophole that he had ensured to get only the both of them in. Regulus was exceedingly clever and he knew about the magic surrounding their house. Remus knew the amount of trouble that Regulus might get into because of this, but maybe he had ensured his own safety or a way to deflect blame. 

They managed to avoid the notice of Effie and Monty getting out of the house, although there would be hard evidence that there had been an unauthorized leave, and they would probably be angry when they returned. But hopefully the fact that they had Sirius would detract from everything else. They had no idea what they would be walking into, or what might be wrong with Sirius. They had frantically reviewed healing spells, and a few counter-curses but quickly realized that they were probably wasting their time there because the Blacks knew dark magic and what they could learn as students about to go into 5th year would be no match. 

They called the Knight Bus, and before they knew it, they were going up the steps to Sirius’ childhood home. They had decided that Remus shouldn’t touch anything, who knew what items could have anything that could be harmful or even deadly to lycanthropes. Remus had confided in James that he was fairly certain that Regulus knew that Remus was a werewolf and could only hope that was true and that he could lower any possible wards that could detect against dark creatures. 

“Hello sirs, my names Dobby. Master Regulus asked me to help you get Master Sirius out. Follow me please, quickly.” They led him through the dark, dreary house into the kitchen, and then down a set of narrow stairs. It got colder and damper as they descended. Remus shivered and exchanged a worried glance with James. 

The door opened and Remus couldn’t suppress a gasp, and tears clouded his vision. He shivered at how cold it was and froze for a moment before running as fast as he could to Sirius. Which wasn’t very fast at all, really. He’d left his cane by the pond, it having slipped his mind but he’d regretted it quickly. He pushed all the pain down, he was good at it, after all, and focused all of his attention on Sirius. 

He was heavily bruised, there was blood on his arms, and he was so, so cold to the touch. 

Sirius’ eyes were glazed but they were opened. “This is the best hallucination yet. James, you are my hero. Remus, I love you so much, and I know I’ve been fucking up but I am sorry and I’m going to do better. I promise. You deserve better,” Sirius said, voice hoarse, much like Remus’ was after the full moons. Remus thought it might be from the cold, but probably was also from screaming. Remus shivered again, both from the cold and imagining what they might have done to him. He was so scared, and so angry at the Blacks. Sirius deserved to be loved, to be treated how Hope treated him and how Monty and Effie treated James. He was so special, loyal, patient, caring, clever and charming. 

James was casting healing charms, and Remus worked on a warming spell, and pulled Sirius into his arms. “Shh. It’s okay, we’re okay. I love you too. I’ve got you. You’re going to be okay now, we’re getting you out of here,” Remus said, in soothing tones. 

Sirius threw his arms around Remus and only felt slightly warmer. They needed to get him out as soon as James was done with healing the best he could. Sirius stopped shivering suddenly and Remus didn’t think that was a good sign. His arms around Remus’ neck started to slacken and his eyes were fluttering closed. “Hey, Sirius. Sirius, sweetheart, open your eyes. Stay with me. We’re getting you out of here.” He shook Sirius gently and his eyes seemed to come into focus briefly before closing again. Remus put his hand on his chest and breathed a sigh of relief that it was still rising and falling. 

“Dobby? Can you get us out of here? Take us to the Potter estate?”

“Yes sirs,” he replied and the next thing he knew, they were feeling the pull of apparition and were on the floor of the Potters’ living room. “Sirs, I must get home. I hope Master Sirius is okay.” There was a pop and he was gone. 

It wasn’t long before Effie and Monty were running into the room. 

“Where have you been? You had us scared. What…? Is that Sirius?” Effie said, voice panicked. 

“Help him please?” Remus said, trying to keep his voice level, but couldn’t stop a sob from escaping. 

She took Sirius from his arms and levitated him to a room, shutting the door and telling them to wait. 

Remus and James sat, huddled together in silence, for what felt like a small eternity. They were afraid to voice their fears, and to talk about what they had seen. Monty had soon joined Effie, carrying a basket filled with potions, and they hadn’t heard anything from the door for way too long. Until suddenly he heard a scream, Sirius’ scream and they both rushed to the door. They heard crying and frantic calling of his name and James’. The door opened and Effie ushered them in.
“He’ll be okay physically. But he needs his best friend and his lover right now. It might be awhile before he can recover mentally. You can go in,” Effie instructed them.
Remus blushed at being called that. They were pretty quiet about their relationship and had never said anything to her about it. But Lily often told him that for anyone who looked closely or knew them well enough, they knew that the two had been in love with each other even before Remus and Sirius knew. She said it was painful to watch until they both came to that conclusion. 

They both rushed into the room, Remus pushing those thoughts aside and Sirius gave them a weak smile. “Cuddles? I still feel cold,” he asked. 

And they obliged, each of them sandwiching Sirius. Sirius curled into Remus’ neck and James pressed against his back, arm thrown over them both. Remus hated the reason they were here, but he felt secure being in contact with his best friend and his boyfriend. 

“I meant what I said. Thank you for always being there for me, Prongs. You mean more to me than you know,” Sirius said after a long while. 

“Same, Padfoot. I know.” 

Remus smiled and started to feel that he wasn’t really an outsider. That they had different bonds, but that they all were important. 

“I love you both,” Remus said. 

“It was also true what I said to you, Remus,” Sirius whispered into his neck once they heard the even breathing of James, signaling he had fallen asleep. It was late, but Remus was afraid to fall asleep. That this might be a dream, that Sirius might still be stuck in that house. Or that something might happen to Sirius if Remus let down his guard. 

“Sirius, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Remus assured him. 

“I do though. I knew that you were struggling, and that something wasn’t quite right, but I was so caught up in my own head that I didn’t work to try to fix it.” 

“Sweetheart, you’ve been through so much. We can talk about this later. And I mean it, it’s okay,” Remus responded. This whole day had put things in a different perspective. They needed to be there for each other regardless of everything. Even more because of it all. 

“Remus, I want everything with you, a future, and I want to work on it okay?” Sirius said. 

“I want it all with you too Sirius. And I wasn’t being fair either. I was holding things back, and some of it was for selfish reasons, some of it was good ones.” Then he explained his thought process earlier that day. And while he felt guilty that they were having this conversation after all Sirius had been going through for how many ever days, Sirius seemed to need it. 

“You don’t have to be jealous of me and James. What I have with him is special, sure. But it’s not in place of you. I sure don’t want to kiss James. And before you say it or internalize it, there is more between us and you know it. I don’t feel anything romantic for him. Never have for anyone really, except for you. I think we were made for each other, you know? Like this is a continuation of a love story, from another life, or many other timelines. And I know that sounds cheesy, but I really do mean it. There are ways that I will always put you first, even though there are times that I will do the same with James, same with Peter. But that doesn’t mean that I love either of you less, I have so much love, you know?”

And that did make sense. Remus had a special connection with other people outside of Sirius, but that didn’t take away from their relationship, and Remus had a hard time seeing past his own insecurity to fully grasp it until he heard it spoken out loud. 

“And Remus? You’re never a burden, you are never too much. I don't, on principle, do anything that I don’t want to do. And caring for you is something that helps me show my love, it makes me happy. I want to help you just like you want to help me with what I’m going through. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, had nothing else to do when I was at home, especially since I’ve all but lost Regulus. But it all gave me some perspective. I know that I need help mentally, I’m out of control, really. And I sort of dissociate, lash out. It will take awhile, and it might get worse before it gets better if I’m honest, since I am actually acknowledging it.” 

“Do you want to talk about Regulus? Or what happened? Or do you need time?” Remus asked, hesitantly. 

Sirius nodded, nestled further into Remus, and he talked. About Regulus, about his family, about how he felt, about what he wanted to do for the future. He asked Remus questions, and Remus felt like something unlocked, and he could tell Sirius things, and that it didn’t have to weigh Sirius down. So, Remus opened up as well. About his fears and hopes after Hogwarts, what Lyall had been like, worries about how transformations were affecting him, how he felt insecure sometimes about his worth, his looks, of friendship, of being uncomfortable in his own body sometimes, and everything that he could think of. 

And he knew that this wouldn’t be a one time thing. That they covered a lot, but definitely not everything. But he felt a shift, a deepening of their bond and their love. 

He felt so, so in love. And he thought about what Sirius said about other timelines and universes and about what they might be like. But he didn’t get caught up in that, because he wanted to live in the right here, the right now. And right now, he had good friends, Hope was an amazing mom, he was so in love with Sirius, and he was being held by two of his favorite people in the world. 

Chapter Text

Remus walked in their apartment pretty proud of himself after his test in psychology earlier. He’d failed or been late on so many assignments the semester before because his seizures weren’t under control, but his medicine was working well. And while he still had problems concentrating and missed things from his interpreter, he had a lot of other accommodations that could help him now that he was feeling better overall. It had been discouraging to just try to pretend that everything was okay, and he knew that he could have asked for help, but he was too stubborn and proud sometimes. And it had cost him. But he’d managed to pass last year, and this year he was making straight A’s. He had to work hard for it, but he didn’t mind that. He looked around his apartment, which was finally fully decorated and unpacked and smiled thinking about how far he and Sirius had come. 

Remus felt bad that he hid a lot when they first started dating about his health, but he had just liked Sirius so much and there were already what he felt like obstacles to them being together easily. Remus was deaf, chose not to speak, and he couldn’t read lips for shit. But Sirius had been happy to learn sign language and texting was a great way to bridge that gap. Then there was the fact that Remus was asexual, which had made some people say no even after the first date, or later get tired of it. Sirius was wonderful about it, and Remus really didn’t know how he got so lucky. 

He smiled at his thoughts and let Snuffles off his lead and gave him some good ear scratches. Remus needed to rest for a bit, but planned to take him to the dog park later to get some energy out. It’d been a long week of classes and Snuffles joined him for pretty much everything Remus did. Snuffles made life so much easier for him, alerting to seizures, responding to them, keeping him safe when having absence seizures or for things that he might not be able to hear. So, Remus liked to spoil him as much as possible when he wasn’t working. Even though when they were home, or even out at the dog park, it was like Remus always had part of Snuffles’ attention. 

He saw Sirius keys, jacket and shoes by the door as well as his book bag on the table but he wasn’t in the living room or kitchen and the bathroom as well as the guest/music room doors were open. It was odd for Sirius to take an afternoon nap, but Remus thought that sounded like a brilliant idea. 

The room was dark, not even the low lamp they never really turned off so that Remus and Sirius could be able to sign. There was a Sirius sized lump completely under the covers and Remus switched off the big light and turned on the lamp, feeling a little guilty but wanting to check on Sirius. He was pretty sure that Sirius was having a migraine. He didn’t get them often, but when he did, they affected him badly. 

Sirius’ hand appeared from under the blanket and made a gesture that wasn’t a recognizable sign. 

Remus paused, wondering if he should just leave him alone, but he decided he needed to ask a few things. 

He eased the covers from Sirius’ head and stroked his hair. It was a little sweaty and tangled, and all in his face. He brushed it behind his ear, and trailed a finger down his cheek. 

Headache. Bad. Sirius signed, not opening his eyes. 

He tapped Sirius’ face as gently as he could and Sirius squinted at him with one eye. 

Need meds? Remus asked. 

Yes.  

Want doctor? 

No. 

Ice pack?

What?

I-c-e-p-a-c-k? 

Yes. 

Plans or practice. I can call and say no. 

F-a-b-i-a-n. Practice. Thank you. 

Need anything else? Remus asked. 

No. Sirius closed his eyes again, face scrunched in pain. 

Remus came back with the supplies, wiping his face with a wet cloth, getting him to sip some water then take his meds, put the ice pack on his forehead and eased the blanket back over him. Remus decided to stay in case Sirius needed anything since he wouldn’t be able to hear him, and tried to go over facts for his test in sociology in a couple of days. He ended up going to sleep, and only woke when the bed suddenly shifted. Remus opened his eyes and could barely make out Sirius grabbing a bowl from the nightstand and vomiting. Remus pushed himself to sit, and gently rubbed his back until it seemed like he was done, lowering himself gently to the mattress. He offered Sirius a sip of water, and went to get another ice pack, clean the bowl and rewet the washcloth. After getting him settled, he wrote him a quick note and took Snuffles on a long walk. It was later than Remus had thought, but he was glad Sirius had been able to rest for a while before getting sick, and hoped that it would ease soon. He figured by the time he got back, Sirius could have more meds, and he would offer him some soup before he went to sleep for the night. 

Sirius took them without a fuss, and about an hour later, when Remus had to take his own meds that made him tired, he denied wanting any food, but he had a little color back in his face, and it wasn’t as pinched with pain. Remus wished that he didn’t have to take his own medicine and could make sure to be able to sleep lighter in case Sirius needed anything, but it was starting to ease, and Sirius promised he would wake him up if he did. 

After Remus got settled, gently got into bed and was about to turn off the lamp, Sirius tapped his thigh. 

You can leave it on, he signed. 

You sure? It’s okay, I promise. 

Yes, I’m doing well enough. 

Remus hesitated, but left it on. It was pretty dim to begin with so it didn’t disrupt their normal sleep. He curled on his side, and was about to close his eyes when Sirius tapped him again. 

…

Okay?

Again? Remus must have had an absence seizure because Sirius was looking at him expectantly, like he’d asked something. Remus hated how often he had to ask Sirius, or anyone really, but especially him to repeat things, because sometimes he still knew that Sirius was insecure that he was learning too slowly, when in Remus’ opinion, he was progressing remarkably. But Remus could usually guess what Sirius was trying to say, even if handshape wasn’t right, or it was one of asl’s funnies, where signs are remarkably similar, but had nothing to do with each other. He’d accidentally asked Remus if he was horny instead of hungry when trying to ask him out on a first date, called Lily a bitch instead of asking if he could talk to her, and gotten pink and penis mixed up, which tickled him and Mary’s fancy. He tried not to laugh, but he’d reassured Sirius they were mistakes that most beginning signers make at some point, and Remus didn’t laugh like a twelve year old boy at dick jokes most of the time. He just showed him the right one, and relied on fingerspelling as well. 

Are you okay? Sirius asked. 

Yes. A-S. Remus explained, using the shorthand. 

Sirius accepted it with a smile and asked. Will you hold me? 

Of course darling. 

Love you. 

Love you too. I’ve got you. Come sleep.

Chapter Text

Remus fought against waking up because his body felt heavy and his lungs felt like they were being crushed. This wasn’t exactly unusual because of Remus’ cystic fibrosis, but it usually didn’t hurt quite this bad. He shivered and pulled the blankets up, which triggered the start of his coughing. The mornings were the absolute worst because his airways weren’t as active and it gave the mucus a chance to build up. He coughed until his chest was burning, barely stopping to allow him to breathe. It was harder than usual, deeper sounding, and it lasted longer. 

Remus sighed and wished that his luck would’ve continued. He hadn’t been admitted to the hospital for almost a year and it had been amazing. He knew that the staff made it the best they could but there was nothing like his bed, and his own space. He texted Sirius if he would put in a call to the dr since his coughing had only eased a bit even an hour after being awake and struggling to even get out of bed. Remus felt a little dizzy, but knew that he needed to get on with his morning routine, especially since putting it off wouldn't help him feel any better.

Sirius was downstairs working on some coding for a video game he and James were working on. And the house smelled amazing, so he thought Sirius probably already started baking. They provided baked goods for a few local coffee shops and restaurants and it was a nice secondary income since it was something they were both good at, and Remus could do it from home fairly easily. Remus loved to decorate and he usually handled the preparation as well, he could make the batters and icings when he was having his better days and then figure it out from there. Sirius would usually get them assembled, baked and then Remus would decorate if appropriate and get them packaged up. They paid one of Remus’ cousins to do the deliveries and he loved the extra cash and the excuse to drive around town as well as pinch the “discards” which still tasted good of course. 

He grabbed a granola bar and some juice to take his pills that kept his body functioning. So many parts of his body was affected by cystic fibrosis besides his lungs. He had to take things for them of course, but also digestive enzymes, vitamins, nasal sprays, mucus thinners, heartburn medications, then his inhalers. He had to have nebulizer treatments and then he had to sit with his vest that vibrates his chest to help break up the mucus. It was 30 minutes a session with breaks to cough, and then he did it at least twice a day. He had a feeling it would be more like 4 times today since he was pretty sure he was getting sick. He watched a lot of tv because it was hard to do much with it on. He also usually did his g-tube feeding then too because it took a while to run, and it was portable, but easier while he was already there. It had been a game changer two years ago, because Remus had always struggled keeping his weight up, and it was at a point where something needed to change. Remus still ate as much as he could, but he made up any calories he needed through the supplements. 

Sometimes he hated how his body worked against him and was tired of everything he had to do to stay alive, but he loved his life. He had a great group of friends, and Sirius was everything to him. They had been together since high school and they just fit together so well. He felt guilty sometimes because he knew that being with a medically complex person who was tired and sick a lot wasn’t easy. But Sirius never complained, and he had found a good balance of when and how to help Remus and when to let Remus be independent and handle what he wanted. Remus knew that wasn’t always easy for Sirius, because his instinct for those he was closest with and most loyal to was to be a caretaker. Sirius was a mixture of physical touch and acts of service as a love language, and Remus tried to put aside his pride and allow him to do things and try to get it out of his head that it wasn't an obligation, and that Sirius wouldn’t grow to resent it. Given, Remus didn’t have the best example growing up, while Hope was amazing, and Lyall always did his best to provide for the family and Remus believed that he really tried and loved him on some level, Remus couldn’t help but feel like Lyall resented him. He thought he was getting a boy who he could play catch with and go fishing, instead Lyall got a sickly child who liked nothing more than to curl up with a book or draw. Lyall never took much part in Remus’ daily medical management or going to doctors. And Remus knew that he worked and his mom didn’t so she could help do what he needed, but he just felt like there was a distance between the two of them, and Remus felt like it was his fault. 

By the end of his treatments, Remus was exhausted again, and flopped back on the couch listlessly. He must have dozed off, because the next thing he knew, Sirius was gently shaking his shoulder.
“Remus? Love, it’s time to head to the doctor, okay? Are you feeling any better at all after meds and treatments?” 

Remus managed to shake his head no through another coughing fit, and Sirius helped him get dressed and ready to leave the house. Once they reached the bottom of the stairs, Remus halfway collapsed onto them. They had been talking about moving into the smaller room down here but Remus liked their bathroom and didn’t want the illness to take something else from him. And they really usually weren’t that big of a deal, although depending on how his long term health was, they might have to do it, or consider moving. But for now, Sirius was holding most of his weight, and helping him ease down to sit on the second step from the bottom. 

Remus waited until the spot disappeared from his vision and accepted Sirius’ hand. “I’ve got you, love. It’ll be okay.” Sirius kissed his cheek, helped get him hooked up to his supplemental oxygen, then reclined in the car, shivering slightly and kept trying to pull the blanket even tighter around himself. His next round of coughing had him wheezing and when he spit into his tissue, it was pure blood. It had happened before, so it wasn’t quite as scary as it could’ve been otherwise, but it wasn’t a great sign. He often had mucus that had some bloody tinge, but this wasn’t that. 

“Sirius?” he said, through gasps, knowing his husband was worried and yet still trying to get them safely to the clinic. 

“Yeah?” 

“It’s blood, I think we’ll be headed to the hospital,” Remus said, voice hoarse and harsh, his throat burning a bit too from the strain.
“It’ll be okay Moony, I’m sorry,” Sirius reached out to hold his hand and gave it three squeezes before just keeping it clasped in his. I love you. It was cheesy perhaps, but Remus loved it. Even though many other couples probably did it, Remus felt like they could communicate without actually saying a word. 

The rest of the afternoon passed in a blur of questions, deep breaths, nebulizer treatments, talk of hospitals, and Remus just wanted to sleep. He was leaning heavily on Sirius, immensely grateful that Sirius was handling everything and Remus could just zone out. 

They didn’t make him take an ambulance, but they were instructed to go straight to hospital and Sirius promised he would grab things from home later, knowing that Remus liked to have his pillow, favorite blanket, some puzzles for them and his kindle. Those, plus basic things like chargers and hygiene stuff was just better from home. 

They got him hooked up to IV antibiotics, the respiratory therapist came in as well as a couple of doctors, and he was grateful to get assigned to Poppy, his favorite nurse. She had been here since he was old enough to not be on the pediatrics ward, and she was kind but she didn’t take his bullshit or let him minimize what was going on. 

It was late evening by the time it was just him and Sirius in the room, and he felt completely drained. Social interaction on the best of days could be hard for him, much less strangers or people that he only knew in a medical setting and either him or Sirius having to answer variations of the same questions over and over. The antibiotics were already making him queasy, so he declined food even after they gave him some meds to help. Zofran already made him a little sleepy and they gave him a light sleeping pill as well. He was finally coughing less and hadn’t coughed up blood for about an hour, but night time was usually when he felt his best, his lungs being constantly helped by meds and treatments, but tonight, he had none of that usual bit of pep. 

“Remus? You don’t have to stay awake, you know,” Sirius said, looking up from texting with Alice, who helped them with their baking whenever something like this happened. She stayed at home with her son Neville, but she loved to bake and it was nice having something like this to bring in some extra cash, but was also relatively flexible with her time. He put down his phone and came from the recliner to sit with Remus on the bed, being careful of all of the tubing and wires. They were practically a pro at it these days though.

“I know, I just wanted to stay awake until you left,” Remus said. 

“I’m staying Moony,” Sirius responded, giving him a soft kiss on the forehead, then started absentmindedly playing with one of Remus’ curls.

Remus opened his mouth to argue, but that was also something that he was still working on. Letting Sirius make decisions about things like this. If Remus didn’t actually want him to stay, that would be one thing, but pushing to get him to leave whenever that wasn’t the case was something they agreed on. Remus said as long as Sirius was still taking care of himself, and would do what he needed to do without putting pressure on Alice or James. Sirius managed the balance pretty well. He usually went home early in the mornings, did the baking and he could do his coding work for the most part on his laptop, so he was often quiet company. It wasn’t much different from their routine at home, except Sirius getting up quite so early. Remus always slept in because of fatigue and medicines and he would usually stay up until he started feeling bad which led to late mornings for him. 

In both places, Sirius took lots of little breaks, to play a game of cards with Remus, watch some cat videos or do spelling bee together. In the evenings they watched a lot of tv together, which they could do here. But there were just things they missed, parts of their day that just wasn’t possible. They both liked intricate board games that took up ridiculous amounts of table space. They also either went swimming when it was warm enough in their backyard pool, or went on slow walks. Remus didn’t tolerate much exercise but they did their best to find a good balance.

Here, Remus was mostly in the bed or sitting in a chair, there was a constant stream of people in and out, and of course, Remus felt worse than usual. He hoped for a short stay and for the first antibiotic to work. It was tricky for someone like him who got lung infections easily, they didn’t want to get antibiotic resistances, but he also needed to have his infections respond to the chosen medicine. The one he was on now had less side effects than others so he was afraid to even hope that it would do it. But he figured it would probably at least be a week based on his labs and his numbers for peak flow and lung functioning tests. 

But right now, Remus was sleepy and warm, he felt the best he had all day even though it was still pretty crappy, he knew that the doctors would get him there. Sirius was playing with his hair and singing to him, and Remus felt so loved and cared for in his arms and he let his eyes shut, knowing that while he didn’t want to have this step back in his health and he would rather be in his own bed, Sirius loved him and would be there for him through it all.

They would make it through it, just like they did everything else: together.

Chapter Text

Remus was sitting on his stool behind the register whenever Sirius came through the door, and Remus caught a good look and limped over to him. Remus knew that he had a flare coming, his wrists and knees ache a bit more than usual, and the butterfly rash on his face was prominent. He hated it and kids at school loved to pick on him about it. He could mostly ignore it, but he was trying to impress Sirius, so really, this was not an ideal time. He was pretty sure that Sirius had been flirting with him over the last couple of months, but just when Remus was convinced, or about to ask him out, Sirius would withdraw. It hurt a bit, because it was usually after his brother Regulus or one of his family members came into the store, and Remus knew that they weren’t the best of people. He told himself over and over that even if Sirius was gay and interested, while he was living at home, they wouldn’t really get a chance to try anything. 

However, they have been constantly bantering and making the other laugh, bringing each other treats from home, sharing funny stories about a customer, or talking about books and music. They both ran in slightly different circles at school, which was rather large, so they’d just never had activities or classes that overlapped. Remus knew who Sirius was of course, he and James played football, and they were always surrounded by people, but they were always nice to everyone. Remus was in the debate club and he had started and led a book club as well. Remus had always thought that Sirius was attractive but he’d just never had the reason or courage to try to become his friend. 

 However, they were both hired around the same time at the little bookshop that also featured a cafe. Sirius was a barista and Remus worked the counter, because he needed to be able to sit often because of his lupus. But they often had lulls in customers and Sirius had started talking to him on one of those occasions, when Sirius was bored and looking for something to read. Remus stumbled over his words, and blushed way too much during the first few interactions, but Sirius kept coming and leaning on the counter when no one was in the shop and would give him a charming smile, and break out with whatever was on his mind that day. 

But today, Sirius didn’t really look like himself. He was wearing a hoodie instead of his usual leather jacket, he had his hair down, but the curls were more limp than usual. Sirius was pale to begin with, but it looked like every ounce of color had been drained from his face besides the tip of his nose which was quite red. Remus was a sap and thought that he looked beautiful anyways, but he knew that Sirius wasn’t well. Sirius sneezed a couple of times into a tissue and looked up. Sirius’ beautiful eyes were a little glazed and looked very tired, and Remus wanted to wrap him up in a blanket and cuddle him. Not that he had any right, but Remus couldn’t help it. 

“Sirius, why aren’t you at home in bed?” Remus asked when he finally stood in front of him. 

“Mother told me I was being dramatic and needed to come to work and prove that I was a man, and not a baby.”

Not for the first time, Remus wished for violence against Sirius’ parents. Sirius didn’t talk much about them but Remus could tell from what he did say, and what he heard around school that they were horrible people. 

“Okay. Um. Why don’t you lay down in the back and I will call in a favor from Lily? I can handle things out here until then and if I can’t I will come and get you,” Remus said. 

“You… But, Remus. I know you don’t like to talk about it, but you’re not well either, are you? I mean, your rash…” 

Remus grimaced, but knew that even if he exerted himself today, the flare was likely coming and that the extra rest or not wouldn’t really affect much. 

“I’m okay, Sirius. Well, I will be. You can cover for me next week, I bet I will need it,” Remus told him when he still looked unsure. “Come on, I’ve got you,” Remus said whenever Sirius swayed a little. He luckily pretty much steadied himself though, or in all honesty they both probably would’ve ended up on the ground. 

Sirius finally nodded and disappeared into the back where there was a small break room with a loveseat. It wouldn’t be the most comfortable, but it would be better than working when he was sick. There was a brief rush of customers but everyone seemed understanding when he said that he was waiting for backup. He didn’t know if his limp gave him sympathy points, but he wasn’t going to complain. When Lily came in he thanked her profusely, and took a warm cup of tea with honey and lemon back to check on Sirius when she waved him off. 

Sirius was halfway asleep, but his eyes shot up in panic when he registered the door had been opened. “It’s just me, I brought you a cuppa,” Remus said, placing it in his hand. Which, upon making contact, Remus realized was burning up. He felt Sirius’ forehead without thinking, confirming he likely had a high fever and then brushed a piece of hair out of his eyes. Remus dropped his hand, blushing whenever he realized what he had done. Sirius was watching him closely and gave him a small smile, which Remus had absolutely no idea what to do with. 

“Thanks,” he said, voice a little scratchy. He took an appreciative sip, and rested his weight back fully on the couch. 

“I’m going to get you a fever reducer and maybe some cold medicine, unless you’ve already had?” Remus asked. 

“I haven’t, but I am okay really,” Sirius responded, staring at him for a beat too long. 

“Nonsense. Let me go see. I know I have the paracetamol, but I'm not sure about any cold medication. I will check with Lily and in the medicine cabinet if not.” 

“That would be great,” Sirius said, letting his head drop onto the cushion. 

Remus found what he was after and grabbed a glass of water to take back to Sirius. He wished that he could call his mother and give her a piece of his mind, or figure out James’ number to see if he could stay the night. But Remus was helpless to do much besides what he was doing now and then getting back to work. 

He checked on Sirius a few times until it was closing and he’d been sleeping since. He and Lily rushed through the nightly tasks, and soon he was guiding Sirius out of the shop and locking the door. 

“Did you drive?” Remus asked him, worried. 

“No, I took the bus,” Sirius said, standing close to Remus. Close enough Remus swore he could feel the heat of the other man’s body. 

“My mom is picking me up, she should be here any time. She’ll take you home, okay? It will be quicker and more comfortable.” 

Sirius just nodded and sure enough, a minute later Hope pulled into the parking lot and happily agreed. Lyall was with her, so he and Sirius climbed into the backseat and Sirius gave her his address. 

Hope made small talk with Lyall, likely only not engaging Sirius since he was visibly sick and exhausted. Only a few minutes into the drive, Remus felt a weight against him, and Sirius had leaned into his side, having fallen asleep again that quickly. Sirius didn’t live far, but Remus almost wanted to ask Hope to take the longest way she could think of. He knew he probably shouldn’t, but he was very much enjoying the proximity of the other boy. Remus shifted a bit, and sighed, trying to adjust his binder slightly, without jostling Sirius. He’d been wearing it too long, but he hated to be either at school or work without it, so he hid out in an empty classroom for lunch and study period and at least had a small break from it then. 

He wondered all the time if he should mention it to Sirius. They were pretty close friends if nothing else at this point, and Remus was pretty certain that no one at school besides Peter, Mary, Pandora and Lily knew. He’d had to leave his last school because that was where he grew up and then transitioned, because it was not a good environment for him. One of the kids was particularly nasty to him, an older student named Fenrir who had beaten him up and cut his face, telling him that Remus needed to learn his place. Hope had pulled him from school not long after that, because the administration said that nothing could be proved and they weren’t taking any action.

Things had been good the last year and Remus was pretty sure that he passed well enough these days, a combo of being on T for a decent amount of time, his clothes including his binder, and the fact that he really just didn’t attract that much attention for people to care. He was a nerd, but not enough to be on a bully’s radar and he hoped to keep that balance. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to tell Sirius. It could ruin this whatever they had going–maybe, possibly flirting–connection thing that they had going on, but he just felt like he could trust him. 

Sirius let out a small snore, which seemed to melt something in Remus’ heart, and he decided that whenever Sirius was feeling better, he was going to try to talk to him about it a bit. His feelings, his sexuality, one or both he hadn’t decided yet. 

His hand brushed against Sirius’ when he stopped fiddling with his binder and he let them remain in the tiniest of contacts, and couldn’t stop himself from smiling. 

All too soon, they were pulling up in front of an imposing house, fancy but almost gloomy looking. Remus had the sudden wild urge to take Sirius and run, but instead, he just shook his shoulder gently. 

“Sirius? We’re here. Wake up, okay? Go inside and rest and feel better soon?” Remus said, suddenly stuttering a bit. He cursed himself, he’d been doing so well, but he didn’t know if the odd situation or his resolve to open up had him twisted up a little. 

“Huh? Oh. Thank you Mr and Mrs Lupin. And thanks Remus, really. You didn’t have to do everything for me tonight but I really appreciate it and I will owe you one, okay?” Sirius said, scooting over to open his door. He paused and looked back, meeting Remus’ eyes. “Uh. I know it’s not the best of timings, but my guard is down. If this sounds crazy, we can blame it all on the fever. But… When we both feel well, could I maybe take you out somewhere?” 

Remus resisted the urge to pinch himself, or see if he was having his own fever dream. 

He hesitated for perhaps a beat too long, because Sirius’ face fell. 

“Uh. Yes. I… Please. I would love you. I mean, that. I would love that. Yes,” Remus blabbered, willing himself to shut up and stop talking before he made even more of a fool out of himself. ‘ I would love you.’ For fucks sake, Remus. Good job. Remus scolded himself, knowing that his rash was bright red with a blush highlighting it. 

“I’m glad. Thank you all again and good night,” Sirius said, giving him a lingering glance and then slowly getting out of the car.
Remus could barely hear him let out a string of sneezes as they sat in the car waiting for him to get inside safely. Remus really hoped that he felt better soon and that his mother stepped up and took care of him. He probably needed a doctor, but even if not, he needed to be able to rest without school, work and sports. Remus hoped for the best and laid his head against the cool glass as they pulled away. 

“So… Sirius?” Hope asked, drawing out the letters in his name. 

“You’ve reached Remus Lupin. Please DON’T leave a message at the tone,” he snarked and his parents both laughed. 

But, yeah. That’s Sirius.

Sirius Black. 

I’m going on a date with Sirius Black. 

Remus stared out the window and really hopes that he doesn’t open his eyes and realize that none of this happened, because he really, truly, would love to go on a date with Sirius Black.

Chapter Text

Sirius was so tired and his head hurt but he forced himself to get out of bed. Sirius, don’t be weak. Don’t be a baby. Do your schoolwork, now. His mother’s voice rang in his head and she’d already sent enough angry letters over the course of the semester, and he did not want another, she was still angry that he was placed in Gryffindor. Sirius absolutely hadn’t expected it but he was beyond glad. Besides the fact that his parents hated it. He and James had hit it off, and it felt like he had gained a brother, and hoped that Regulus would also be sorted with them next year, and they could have him join their friend group. 

Unlike James, Peter was quiet, thoughtful, and was generally agreeable to anything he was asked to join in on. And then there was Remus. He was an odd looking boy, pale and sickly, skinny, with curls that Sirius longed to teach him how to take care of, big nose and ears. And when Sirius said that Peter was quiet, Remus took it to another level. He had basically hidden away or else barely spoken, it was only now, at the beginning of December that he was opening up at all. But he was kind, and did things without wanting to be seen, but was helpful to others. He gave out compliments and encouragement freely. And when you least expected it, he would say the funniest thing, or give a deep insight and then flinch, like he was afraid he had crossed some sort of line. Sirius felt a connection with the boy, and felt protective over him and like he wanted to know every single thing about him. Remus shared his muggle books with Sirius and then would sit and listen to all of Sirius’ thoughts and occasionally offer his own, but just seemed glad to be in Sirius’ presence. He introduced him to muggle music as well, and the other two boys would go and hang in the common room or explore the grounds, and Sirius liked to sit with Remus and listen. There were certain times that Remus seemed exhausted, and he was ill. Sirius noticed he didn’t eat much at that time and threw up a lot. At first Sirius was worried about his eating habits, because his cousin had dealt with that. But it didn’t quite seem to fit, because other times, he ate like he was starving and he wasn’t sick then. He limped and used a cane about half of the time, but he never really talked about what was wrong. 

Sirius was beginning to suspect that maybe his parents hurt him, like Walburga and Orion did him sometimes. The way that Remus was withdrawn at times, flinched, and bruises and cuts, and the pain that seemed to constantly fluctuate. He didn’t really know how to bring it up or if he even should, so Sirius just watched, and tried to be as helpful as he could when Remus had bad days, and asked to stay in and listen to music. And Sirius actually was happy to. The music was unlike anything he had ever heard, and he liked the time spent with the other boy just one on one. 

In the present, Sirius glanced across the room as Remus came out of the bathroom, he always changed in there, but Sirius had caught sight of a few scars that he thought supported his theory. But he assessed him to see what his mood and energy level seemed to be. It actually seemed like he was doing better than Sirius himself was. Sirius was cold, and the longer he was awake, the more things started hurting besides his head. He decided to take a hot shower, and it did help a bit. 

By lunch time though, it was all back and his nose was tickling, like he was going to sneeze. He suppressed it and bit his lip. Walburga hated it when the boys were sniffly, sneezing or coughing and would shove potions down their throats. He’d heard a nanny saying it wasn’t a great idea once, but that woman never came back. So, since Sirius hated the medicine she gave him, he tried not to sneeze, sniff or cough at all. And sometimes that was such a challenge, and impossible at others. Like right then, he did it several times in a row, his body jolting just a tiny bit with each one. But he managed to make minimal noise as well. He looked up from his plate to see Remus staring at him, a questioning look on his face.
“Alright, Sirius?” 

“Yeah, of course,” he responded. He engaged James in talk of quidditch hoping to steer the conversation in a different direction. It seemed semi-successful because Remus didn’t say anything else, but Sirius did notice the other boy was watching him occasionally throughout the day. Sirius kept up his aborted sneezes and coughs the best he could, but they were getting more frequent and Sirius thought that their classes would never end. Their last class was history of magic, and Sirius completely gave up the battle with tiredness and laid his head on his desk, and even though it made his neck ache, he fell asleep quickly. 

He woke up with a cough and cleared his throat. No one seemed to be paying attention besides Remus, who gave him a raised eyebrow and then a small smile. 

He forced himself to stay awake the last ten minutes of class, he didn’t want to show any more weakness. He really didn’t want someone to tip off his mother and receive a howler or a lecture from Slughorn. Because Walburga didn’t care for McGonagall, she always wrote to the Slytherin head of house, who seemed all too happy to please her. 

While he managed to not go completely to sleep, he was in so much of a daze that he jumped whenever Remus put a hand on his shoulder.
“Are you ready… Sirius! Merlin, you’re burning up with fever. I was wondering if you were sick and trying to hide it for some reason. Come on, let’s go to Madam Pomfrey.”

“I don’t want the potions,” Sirius complained, unable to keep the whine out of his voice. 

“They’re not so bad. And you’ll feel better,” Remus encouraged. 

Sirius sighed, but didn’t want to get into why he didn’t want to go, and why he hated being sick. 

He stumbled a bit about halfway there, feeling a tad bit dizzy. 

“Whoa. I’ve got you. Do you need to stop for a minute? Or for me to go fetch her?” Remus asked, worry in his voice as he helped to steady Sirius. 

“No, I’m good. Just clumsy.” 

Remus gave him a dubious look, but didn’t protest. 

They walked slowly to the hospital wing, Sirius giving up and just letting himself cough into his handkerchief. 

“I didn’t know that people actually monogrammed them,” Remus said with a chuckle. 

“Oh, of course. Nothing but the finest for the ancient house of bloody black,” Sirius teased. 

It had been a shock whenever he started at Hogwarts and saw the extremes of class difference that he’d really never been exposed to. Remus’ books, robes and muggle clothes were second hand. He only had one pair of shoes and one jacket. He said he only had his books, records and record player because of Christmas gifts and from his grandfather who gave it to him before he died. 

Sirius didn’t think any less of him, and it had never seemed to be an issue. Remus himself had started a few jokes like this or Sirius wouldn’t have wanted to offend him or hurt his feelings. He knew that Remus’ mom was poorly, and that she couldn’t work because of that and taking care of Remus. His father worked a lot but they weren’t well paying jobs, so he was pretty absent as well as frustrated they could never seem to get ahead. 

“Think that RJL would look good in that fancy lettering?” Remus asked. 

“Those are fine initials indeed, Remus. Befitting a handkerchief. Would you like some for the holidays?” Sirius joked. 

“Nah, you could give me something I’d really love, like that chocolate you shared with me on your birthday,” Remus teased, but he actually did look hopeful. 

The other boy never really asked for much, so Sirius hoped that through the haze of sickness he could remember to order him some. He could send Alphard the money, he always seemed to be happy to help Sirius. “Noted. A full set of handkerchiefs, coming right up.” 

“Tosser,” Remus said with a big grin. 

Sirius loved to make him laugh and smile, it brightened up his face and Sirius felt warm inside. He didn’t quite understand why he felt differently around Remus than the other two boys, but it was nice. 

Remus held open the door to the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey strode over, eyeing the two. She seemed to pay more attention to Remus until Sirius coughed again, and swayed a little, once again. 

“Not feeling well, Mr. Black?” She asked, guiding him gently by the forearm to sit on a bed. She held up her wand, and he couldn’t stop from flinching, but tried to hide it as a sneeze at the end. He wasn’t sure if she or Remus believed it, but neither said anything. 

“Looks like a nasty cold. Let me grab you some potions and you can rest here for a bit, okay?” 

Sirius made a face at the word “potions” but didn’t think that he would be able to talk himself out of this now, so he resigned himself. 

She came back with two and he wondered where all of the rest were. One made his ears steam, which wasn’t the best feeling, but it also didn’t hurt. It quit pretty quickly and he downed the red one. It was a little bitter and thick, but it was nothing like what Walburga always gave him. “Where’s the others?” he asked, wanting to get it all over with. 

“What others?” Madam Pomfrey asked, eyebrows furrowed. 

“The one that smells like grass, and the brown one? Or sometimes the one that sort of looks like pumpkin goo?” 

“No, I don’t use those here,” she said. She kept watching him and Sirius felt his skin prickle a little. 

“Oh, okay. Well, that’s all then?” Sirius said, relieved. He relaxed back onto the bed and Madam Pomfrey told him he could leave in an hour if the fever was gone. 

Sirius couldn’t believe it was that easy, and he would be leaving in an hour, instead of sleeping way too much or having bad cramping in his stomach along with his fever. Those always stopped the coughing and sneezing but everything else seemed to hurt worse. 

Remus looked like he was going to say something, taking a quick breath, but he closed his mouth and reached for his bag. 

“Want me to read to you? We only have a few chapters left? Or if you’d rather sleep?’

“Reading would be nice,” Sirius whispered. 

He curled up on his side and watched Remus’ facial expressions as he read quietly. He had a soothing beautiful voice, and Sirius hoped that he would get to hear it for the rest of his life. 

It had never felt this soft whenever he was sick before. Remus was sympathetic and made sure that he got help, and Madam Pomfrey was gentle, only offered kind words, and gave him potions that actually made everything start to feel better. 

Sirius really did love life outside of Grimmauld Place, and only could hope that his life kept being this way, and even get better as time went on. 

And if Sirius could look into the future, he wouldn’t be able to believe the life he saw. Sure there was some pain and heartache along the way, but there were dark wizards defeated early, a finally mended relationship with Regulus, being adopted by Monty and Effie, and a wedding on a warm beach tying his soul to the man reading to him. They got to watch each other grow old, and supported each other through physical and mental challenges, but they brought each other so much happiness. His friends all lived close together, and there were so many children they got to love and see growing up in front of his eyes. He would be able to see himself in a bed curled up, just like he was now, listening to a man with all of Remus’ features except matured, reading glasses on his face, hair gray, and curls cared for. 

But Sirius couldn’t know any of that, and his 12 year old brain wouldn’t be able to handle it, so for now, Sirius basked in the warmth of friendship, of colds quickly cured without fuss, and being in this bed, right here and right now. Being read to by a boy whose hair is still sandy brown, and whose voice still holds the higher notes of boyhood. 

Maybe knowing would actually change everything, maybe in another life things wouldn’t be so hopeful, but in this one, Sirius only had good things to come.

Chapter Text

“Remus, please. I'm not ready to let you go. You're the love of my life.” 

“Sirius, I'm just so tired, my love. Why can't I just have a few good weeks and then I'll just be on the other side. I know it will be hard, but I believe you can do it without me. I know it wouldn't be your choice and it's not mine either. But I feel it, Sirius. I know that it won't work. My time is coming and fast.“ 

“Remus, please, please, please. What if it does? We could still have so much time in this life.” Sirius knew that he was being selfish. He'd watched Remus go through so much, and he'd been so strong.” 

“Fine, fine. Okay. Maybe just one more.” 

Sirius felt so much guilt over the next two months. Remus lost his hair, he was so weak that he couldn't walk, he cried every time Sirius walked out of the room. He was mostly delirious or he wouldn’t have done it. Sirius didn't mind, he loved that Remus was saying what he wanted, Sirius had always wanted that, but for it to be like this? Sirius tried to be strong but the times he stepped out, it was to curl in a ball and cry in James’ arms. He didn't go to work, and knew that he probably wouldn't have a job to come back to but he didn't care. 

“Sirius!!! Sirius, he's here. He's going to hurt me, I can't. Please!” 

Sirius ran as fast as he could, he'd been getting coffee and some breakfast and didn't know who could possibly be here, and wanting to hurt Remus. 

He entered the room and there was no one there, but Remus was terrified. He was shaking and crying. He must be hallucinating. Sirius slowly approached him, talking softly and when he touched him, he was burning up with a fever. He called the ambulance and it felt like forever until they arrived. 

They arrived and there were lots of IVs and blood work and tests. 

Finally the doctor came in and said “there's good news and bad news.” He went on to explain that Remus' cancer was shrinking, responding to the treatment, but Remus had a serious infection and they were doing everything they could. And they didn't know if it was a reaction to the drugs or if his weakened immune system couldn't handle it. They put him in a medically induced coma and for a few days, it seemed like they were preparing him for Remus to not make it, but he was a fighter. He started to squeeze Sirius' hand whenever Sirius talked to him. Sirius barely left his bedside and had been reading or talking the whole time on the of chance that Remus could hear him. He started to open his eyes and fight against the vent and his blood tests were looking good, the infection finally was responded. A week later they were sending Remus home and they were having to make a decision if they should continue treatment, because it came at a risk that this could happen again, which he probably wouldn't survive. 

“Sirius? Let's do it, okay? You were right, this is working. So. If I have a reaction, then I will die anyways, just like I would if we stopped the chemo, it would be a matter of time if I didn't keep doing it.” 

Sirius was torn but Remus made a lot of sense. So. They consented. Remus didn't have a reaction and six months later the tumor was gone. One year later, he was still in remission. 

They went to the beach to quietly celebrate, drinking champagne, having Remus favorite dessert and watching the sun set, casting pinks and purples over the horizon. They even saw an orca in the water and it was beautiful, looking almost purple itself with the colors of the sunset. 

“Sirius?” 

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for fighting for me. For believing and being strong when I couldn't. I'm so sorry that I was ready to let go.” 

“Don't say that Remus, I felt so selfish asking and watching the treatment hurt you so badly. But I'm glad that I was, because I get to have you longer in this lifetime, in this universe. I don't know what I would've done without you.” 

“Me too. I love you.” 

“Forever and always, ghivashel.” 

Chapter Text

“Remus, are you sure we shouldn’t turn back?” Sirius asked, eyeing the clouds and trying to calculate how much further they had to go. 

“Um? I don’t know? Do you think that it would be better to set up a tent at the campground?” Remus asked. 

“No, probably not. I think it is about to start snowing,” Sirius agreed. It had been holding off all day just as the weather predicted, but unfortunately the trip had taken a bit longer. Remus’ EDS was acting up and his shoulder wouldn’t stay in the socket. It hadn’t been this bad in a while, he dealt with a lot of chronic pain, but his joints had been pretty stable with his new physical therapist and meds. Remus wasn’t pleased because they had been looking forward to this trip to Effie and Monty’s cabin for awhile. Both of their jobs had been pretty crazy, but were finally getting a bit of a breather, but they had decided that even if it hadn’t, they were taking this time for themselves. 

But it was like the universe did not want them to get there. First the weather was forecasting the snow storm and it had seemed like they would get there in time, and even if they couldn’t hike and build campfires and stargaze like they could without the storm, they would still have some time to unplug and just be together. 

They’d had to stop a couple of times so Sirius could help him do it. And Sirius didn’t mind, and it was unavoidable, but he was a little worried about driving conditions when bursts of flurries started to fall. Nothing stuck though, and after their third stop, there wasn’t any more traffic and nothing was sticking. They finally made it just as the flurries turned to large flakes coming down quickly. They got their stuff into the cabin, turned on the heat, and Remus started building the fire while Sirius got them some sandwiches. They enjoyed them by the fire and just sat and talked for a while until it turned into Sirius pulling Remus into a kiss. 

Remus straddled Sirius and started kissing his neck. 

“Is this okay?” Remus asked. 

Sirius nodded and tilted his head to the side. 

“I need verbal confirmation Sirius,” Remus said, gently, pulling away. 

Sirius liked kissing and cuddling, most forms of physical touch really, and he liked sex sometimes, but others he just couldn’t stand the thought of it. He’d done some reading because for the longest time, he just told himself he was broken, his parents had messed up something in his brain, but Remus mentioned something to research. And while he didn’t really seem to check all of the boxes from any of the websites, they both figured it was safe to say that he was on the asexuality spectrum. 

So, Remus was all about consent; enthusiastic consent at that, if they did anything. He usually even lets Sirius initiate whatever they did beyond chaste kisses. 

“Yes please, stay there,” Sirius said, voice a little breathy. 

“What do you want?” Remus asked. 

**

Afterwards, they wrapped themselves in each other's arms until Remus shifted and cursed. 

“Shoulder?” Sirius asked, sitting up to make sure that he wasn’t putting any weight on Remus. 

He grimaced in pain and nodded. 

Sirius put some gentle pressure as Remus held his arm out to the side. It usually worked, but this time, something wasn’t going in right. 

Remus screamed and vomited. “Sorry, I’m sorry.” Remus apologized and cradled his arm to his chest.

“Shh, it’s okay. Let me get some supplies,” Sirius said, kissing his cheek and stepping away. He first brought the trash can to Remus just in case, then grabbed some cleaning supplies, a water bottle, an ice pack, and Remus’ medicines.  

He gave him a pain pill and a muscle relaxer and got him in the recliner with some ice. He went to check outside and found that the world had been turned into some kind of winter wonderland. Which was beautiful but he was worried, because it would be dangerous to get out in this weather. He tried to keep the worry off his face as he went back to clean. 

“How bad?” Sirius asked. 

“I’ll live,” Remus said, peeking his eyes open to look at Sirius. 

So, probably not great, but he wasn’t crying or still sick, so it had been worse.
“Do you need the doctor?” Sirius checked. 

“Let’s just see how it is, and if the meds help?”

**

An hour later, Remus was a little giggly and was having his third round with the ice pack. 

“Should I try again?” Sirius asked nervously. 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Remus said, getting unsteadily to his feet and Sirius helped him get into position. It didn’t work for a second time and Remus cried out, and Sirius was very glad that he’d taken pills, because Remus was shielded from the intensity of the first try. 

“Here, sit back down,” Sirius said, guiding him back to the recliner. Remus accepted his help and gingerly got back into position. “I could call for an ambulance?” Sirius offered.

“Why?” 

“Well, it’s snowed. A lot. We’re kinda stuck up here on the mountain. And I’m worried about the roads. But they have training, so…” Sirius trailed off. 

“Um. Alright. Well, I think if it doesn’t work the next time, maybe?” Remus said, reluctantly. They both knew that it’s not good for it to be out of place for too long,

“Should we try some heat? I can start the shower,” Sirius offered. Remus nodded and he went and cranked up the heat as far as they could stand it. Once the bathroom was steamy, he helped Remus out of his clothes, only half joking when he asked if he could cut him out of his shirt. 

They stayed in for a while, Sirius supporting him and just enjoying the heat and closeness. He felt a little guilty for doing so, because he knew that Remus was in pain, but he could tell that the meds were helping, and he had the love of his life in his arms, so he could selfishly be happy in this moment, at least a little. 

The hot water was starting to cool, so he got Remus out and into some boxers. “Alright, let’s try again,” Remus requested. 

Sirius hesitated, but he knew that they should try, and that he had to be decisive or it could hurt Remus more. 

This time there was a satisfying pop and Remus groaned. 

“Thank God,” Remus said, and rotated it a bit. 

Sirius couldn’t help but agree. He was glad that Remus’ pain was greatly reduced now that it was back in place, and he didn’t have to worry about them out on the roads, no matter how well trained the emergency responders were. He went and grabbed some ace bandages and fashioned a make-shift sling. “Better?” Sirius asked when his arm was as immobilized as possible. 

“Yeah, can I have another pill though?” 

Sirius glanced at the clock and hesitated, wondering if Remus was thinking about this clearly. Muscle relaxers weren’t the best for him with the way his connective tissue was with the disease, although they were sometimes necessary in cases like this. 

“Not the flexeril, maybe just the tramadol?” Remus said, figuring out why he was hesitating. 

Sirius gladly got him those, because Remus only took pain medicines responsibly and when he needed them. 

“Thanks, can we lay down together?” Remus requested. And Sirius was all too happy to oblige. “Well, it’ll go uphill from here. I can’t wait to lay around and do nothing with you tomorrow. Maybe make a snowman, but mostly just eating and talking,” Remus said groggily.

"Ooh, can we watch a movie?" Sirius asked. 

"Sure, any ideas?"

"The last Jedi? The reylo just hit."

"As long as we don't continue the series, I don't want to hear it." 

"But JJ... He just... Rise of Skywalker." 

"Nope. I'll defend JJ for Star Trek, I like what he did."

"Okay, okay. I will give you and TC that." 

"Good." 

"Do you want to see them when we get back?"

"Yes absolutely. Sleep now though?" 

He pulled the fluffy blanket up around them and invited Sirius to rest on his uninjured side. The gentle lull of Remus’ heart pulled him into sleep and he couldn’t help but agree. He would enjoy any time he got to spend with Remus, and the day he proposed sounded nice.

Chapter Text

“Remus, please stop working so hard,” Sirius said, giving his boyfriend a kiss. 

“I can’t,” Remus answered, continuing to write a study guide, glancing back and forth from his potions textbook to Lily’s tidy writing. “There’s a test the day after the moon, and I probably won’t be able to study tomorrow unless someone reads to me.” Remus coughs and closes his eyes for a few seconds. 

“I’ll read things out for you and finish making your study guide, please just lay down for a bit. I know you’re aching from the moon, plus you’re getting the flu. I wish that you would see Madam Pomfrey too,” Sirius said, taking his book and papers.

“Sirius, you hate studying and you never need it, you already know the material. You have for at least a year,” Remus said, sniffing and half-heartedly grabbing for his work. 

Sirius shrugged, it was true, Walburga got them tutors over the holidays and it got them ahead, which made school tedious sometimes. A few of the teachers knew this, and gave him more advanced work to keep him learning and engaged, but most didn’t want to put in the extra effort. But he also wanted to help Remus, he had even more than usual going on right at the moon. 

“I don’t want to see Madam Pomfrey, she already does more than enough for me,” Remus told him. 

Sirius thought about pushing it, but also didn’t want to cross a line since Remus seemed determined. They had several talks about boundaries. They hated seeing the other in pain, whether mentally from keeping things bottled up, or physically from the moon, or from Sirius not wanting to expose what was going on at home. But unless it was serious, then they let the other make health decisions, because otherwise it caused ugly fights. And it was silly, really, because they each knew what it was like to not want interference. 

“Besides, she’ll give me something tomorrow anyways, before taking me to the shack.”

Sirius knew this was true, she always does the diagnostics so that he can be as healthy as possible when it comes time to transform, anything to keep the wolf from being even more upset.

“Alright. Will you come lay down and let me help you though?” Sirius asked, since he hadn’t really said a firm no, Sirius knew that he just didn’t want to be a burden, and have Sirius do something that he didn’t like to do. 

“Fine, but just for potions since I hate it. I will do some stuff for DADA tomorrow by myself though, okay?” 

Sirius nodded, glad that he was trying to compromise, and that he was taking at least some help. “Deal, now let yourself rest so that you can feel better.” 

Remus slept for a bit, and Sirius drew out making the study guide so that he could sleep even a bit longer. He reluctantly woke him up though, and helped him until Remus could barely keep his eyes open. “Okay, you’re doing well, let’s stop for the night, alright?” 

“I guess, I just need to do well.” 

Sirius felt for Remus, he always pushed himself so hard, wanting to prove that he belonged there, and deserved the chance Dumbledore gave him. “I know, my love. But you are getting most of it right,” Sirius came over and sat beside him on the bed, putting the book and papers on the side table. 

“Not well enough, I want my grades to be perfect. It’s going to be hard enough, after.” 

“No one is perfect Remus,” Sirius told him, stroking his cheek. Remus’ eyes fluttered closed, but he forced them back open.
“You and James are,” he murmured. 

Sirius didn’t say anything to that, because they were both top of the class, and he felt bad sometimes because Remus was right, at school it took no effort. They were clever and Sirius had a good memory as well. “Can I get you that cold medicine stuff that your mom makes?” Sirius asked, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah, I almost forgot I had more of that now. Thank you.” 

Sirius retrieved it and slowly massaged it on his chest, and for some reason that he’ll never understand, the bottom of his feet. He slipped his fuzzy socks back on and then tucked himself in the bed beside Remus, who was shivering even though he felt hot to the touch. He always ran hot before the moons, but Sirius thought that he also had a fever. He got as close as he could and loved the contact. He always wanted to be as close as he could to his boyfriend. 

Remus started coughing again after a little bit, startling him awake, but it already sounded a bit better from the cream. Sirius marveled at the cleverness of muggles. They didn’t have magic, but it was like they figured out their own healing and something akin to potions. He never understood why his family and others like it looked down on them, but he supposed that was a thought for another day. 

Sirius stroked Remus’ hair until he settled again, and his breathing mostly evened out. Sirius could tell he was still congested, and hoped he felt better in the morning, or gave in and asked for some potions. 

He loved Remus’ strength and stubbornness though, even if it was to his own detriment at times. Sirius thought through ways Remus might accept help for his pain and for his flu for tomorrow until he drifted off to sleep and hoped that Remus would accept and realize Sirius was doing it because he wanted to, not because of some sort of obligation. If nothing else, he might put it in Lily’s head to offer him some of those muggle tablets that sometimes helped him. Sirius smiled and was glad to have a plan. 

Chapter Text

“I can see the path for the waterfall!” Sirius said, bouncing up and down a little bit. “Lily said it's beautiful and the weather is great for it. If you want after, there is a place to swim just a little further down. It has that natural rock slide that she mentioned too.” 

“Yeah, swimming would be nice,” Remus said, wiping his face. It was pretty warm out and their trail had pretty good shade, but Remus was still overheated. 

“You just want me to take my shirt off,” Sirius said with a smirk. 

“You caught me, it’s a constant goal in life,” Remus teased back. And although he very much did like the view, Sirius did not need his ego stroked. 

They walked for a few more minutes, Sirius slowing his pace whenever Remus did, having grabbed his hand after they paused to get some water. They came to a clearing and could hear the rushing of water, and it really was gorgeous. The sprays of water reflected the light in little rainbow prisms, and it let off a cooling mist. It really had been worth the extra walking, and he sat beside Sirius and they took in the view for a bit. Remus’ bad knee was braced, and it wasn’t hurting too bad today, but he always took it pretty easy, because being on crutches or his cane was inconvenient. As much as it rained, sometimes it was really slippery, which although the support was nice, whenever they didn’t grip well enough, it was a challenge to keep his balance. 

He stretched it out fully and nestled his way into Sirius’ side. He wondered how he’d gotten so lucky with his boyfriend, because he knew that while he wasn’t ugly persay, he was definitely on the average scale while Sirius was stop in your tracks drop dead gorgeous. Remus also had a few health concerns and while generally well managed, he knew that it wasn’t the easiest sometimes. He took a lot of pills, saw a lot of doctors, was in hospital occasionally, and his knee acted up as well. He worried sometimes that he slowed Sirius down, but Sirius never complained and seemed happy to do whatever Remus was able to do, and he and James did go and rock climb or ride his motorbike when he and Lily had book club, so it all worked out pretty well. 

“You okay, Moons?” Sirius asked, brushing some of Remus’ hair from his eyes. He needed to either get it cut or figure out a new style, even though he’d mostly just been ignoring it. 

“Yep, just zoned out a bit. Are you ready to go swimming?” 

Sirius nodded, hopped up and extended a hand to help Remus up. He gave him a grateful kiss and they got back to the trail. Remus’ throat was dry and he took a long drink of water, but that was the only real warning before black spots danced in his vision, and he felt lightheaded. 

“Siri…” 

Remus doesn’t remember hitting the ground, and didn’t know how long he’d been out. Sirius was crouched beside him, fiddling with Remus’ phone, and when he saw Remus was awake, he gave him a stern look that quickly softened, he handed Remus some orange juice and a few skittles. “Your notifications were off. Your sugar is at 49.” 

He helped Remus sit up to drink and eat the snack, both things that would bring up his sugar quickly. He would eat something longer lasting soon. He wasn’t sure why it dropped, he’d had a normal lunch, a snack, and levels were normal before they left. He was feeling much better after a few minutes, and finally felt human again. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. 

“You don’t have to apologize, I just worry.”
“I know. Still, I don’t remember turning off my notifications or why I would,” Remus said, and he didn’t know if it was still slight brain fog, or just something accidental. 

“You’re okay now though? Does anything hurt?” 

“Yeah, I’m good, and no, surprisingly, it doesn’t,” Remus answered. 

“That’s because I caught you. Your big strong prince was right beside you and reacted with lightning fast reflexes.”

“Thank you, my manly boyfriend.” Remus pushed himself to stand, and let Sirius hold his arm until they both were satisfied that he was steady. 

“Should we head back home?” Sirius asked. 

“No, my levels are good now, and I will eat another snack if I need to after we swim.”

Before long they arrived and took off their shirts, putting their backpack and towels in the little area at the top of the hill. They waited their turn and got on together, holding hands as they slid down the smooth stone, into a deeper pool at the end. The water was much cooler than the outside air, but it felt so good. They went down a few times until they were tired of the back and forth, and wanted to leave some energy for the walk back home. 

They dried off in the sun, warm in each other’s arms, and despite the whole fainting thing, it really had been a good day. He enjoyed every day with Sirius really, but it was nice to do things like this on the occasional weekend, finding new experiences and making memories together. He knew that he would look back on this sun drenched day with fondness. 

Chapter Text

Sirius transformed back and ran to Remus. He wasn’t sure how it went wrong so quickly. There was some kind of horrible pop and Moony went crazy. The three of them couldn’t distract him from biting and clawing at himself, and blood was rapidly pooling on the ground. They had luckily gotten to the shack before it all happened, as Moony had seemed a little tired. 

They curled up for a bit on the pile of shredded blankets he liked, and Sirius had almost been asleep when he heard the pop, the pained whines and then a howl. Then it was a blur of blood and growls and Sirius feeling like the world was about one second from unraveling. Because he truly did not know what he would do if something happened to Remus, but if he had to sit there and watch while as Padfoot, unable to do anything, he didn’t think that he would ever forgive himself. 

Remus had always been an integral part of their group, they each had their own special things they did with Remus one on one and they spent countless time all together. But Sirius had noticed a shift in the amount of time it was just the two of them, and he’d definitely noticed that his feelings were changing. Sirius had never wanted to date or kiss girls, so he was pretty certain that he was gay, but it felt like he woke up one morning and it hit him all at once. The way that he was constantly watching Remus, that he noticed things about his health and how to help that the other two did not, Sirius could tell his actual moods, often hidden behind a mask, with just a glance at, based on what he was doing with his hands. He noticed all of the things that he’d just dismissed as a part of Remus in new ways. The way sunlight reflected off of his curls, the cute little frown when he was thinking too hard, the deep tenor of his voice, the way that he felt little butterflies whenever they cuddled, which they had been doing for years, but it suddenly felt different to Sirius. He thought that the other people in school were insane if they didn’t find Remus beautiful and interesting. 

But Sirius did not want to implode their friendship. He knew that if something went wrong, that it would create a divide that would be hard to fix. He didn’t want to lose what he already had with Remus by scaring him off. And maybe, just maybe, he would take a chance, but there was never any sign that the other boy felt anything more than friendship. 

All of these thoughts seemed to flash in his mind in seconds, while it felt like the run across the room took forever. He saw a deep gash from Remus’ shoulder, which was at a sickening angle, several bite marks along his arm, but most concerning was the wound on his side. That is where the most blood was coming from, and it looked so jagged and deep. Sirius didn’t think about what he was doing and just pressed both hands over the wound, trying to hold it together and stop some of the bleeding. 

“Oh Merlin,” Peter said from the corner. “What do we do?” 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” James was repeating over and over.
“Wormy, go get Pomfrey. NOW! She should already be on the way but she needs to be running,” Sirius instructed. He was fighting back tears and panic and trying to take control and get Remus what he needed. 

“But… What do I tell her? About why we’re here? Won’t she find out?” 

“Peter, I really don’t care. I think she suspects anyway. Go,” Sirius barked. 

“James, get over here and try the healing spells.”

He obeyed and stood over Remus chanting the ones he knew. They didn’t seem to be doing anything though. “I can’t. I don’t know if it’s me, or… Or… If it’s too bad,” James said, voice thick. 

“Okay. Okay. Come here, and put pressure, do what I am doing with my hands, don’t be afraid to hurt him, press hard.” 

Sirius drew his wand the moment that James took over. His hands were shaking and slippery with blood. And he was trying to redirect all of his focus on the spells, not on the fact that so much of what kept Remus alive was all over his hands, arms, and mostly covering the floor. 

Remus’ eyes fluttered open and locked with Sirius’. “Don’t feel good,” he slurred. “Sirius, I love you. I’m in love with you. You need to know that…” Remus said weakly and Sirius’ heart jumped in his chest. 

Surely, he didn’t just confess that half-conscious on the floor of the shack while Sirius and James were trying to save his life. But maybe that was lack of a filter, and Sirius wondered if he could mean it. If he thought it would be his last words. 

Sirius sobbed, and stopped casting for a second as Remus’ eyes fluttered closed again. “Hey, no, stay with me. You’ve gotta stay awake. Help is coming and I need you.”

Sirius sighed with relief when his eyes opened again. “And Remus? I love you too. Stay alive so I can kiss you when you’re better, okay?”

Remus’ eyes didn’t open this time and the rise and fall of his chest was slowing. “Oh, no. No, no, no, no.” Sirius raised his wand again, and went through every spell that he knew for healing, but nothing was working. He vowed that he would spend as much time in the library as Remus after this to find new ones, to beg Pomfrey to teach him. Because he felt helpless, powerless, and that he was supposed to be able to stop this. 

“It’s okay Sirius, you can stop. Sit and breathe. Help him Mr. Potter,” Pomfrey instructed. Sirius hadn’t even heard her come in. 

The world pretty much blurred together as she performed spells and then they somehow all ended up in the hospital wing. 

Sirius refused to leave Remus’ side, but stayed out of the way. McGonagall had tried but he told her he would have to force her. 

I love you.

I’m in love with you. 

You need to know that.
I don’t feel good. 

I’m in love with you. 

In love. 

The words circled in his head as he watched Remus being given potion after potion through a tube in his arm. He recognized blood replenishing, calming, wiggenweld, and there were a few others. She cast so many spells, and finally she seemed to slump back in her chair and nod her head. 

“He should be stable now. He’s got a long way to get back to full strength, but you did well Mr. Black, you and the other two saved his life. Now, we’re not going to talk about what you were doing there, as long as you promise me that your life wasn’t in danger. And Mr. Black? I will know if you’re lying.”
“No. We weren’t in danger. I think that… something shifted wrong, and Moo… the wolf was hurting. He couldn’t be distracted. Even by Pad… Uh. Yeah. I’m going to quit talking.” 

“Good plan. And I wondered if it might be something like that. But officially, I know nothing,” she gave him a tired smile, and looked at the spell that was projecting Remus’ vitals. “That will beep if he needs attention, but for now, rest will be the best thing.” 

So Sirius curled up on Remus’ good side, being careful to not upset the tube, and took it in turns, singing to Remus, talking about everything that crossed his mind, and just savoring the warm press of his body. Where he could feel Remus’ breaths rising and falling in a steady rhythm, look up at the spell and see the steady beat of his heart, and just be grateful that Remus was still alive. That they would get a chance to talk about their feelings. To make sure that Remus meant what he said. Because Sirius still couldn’t believe it. He was so thankful, for that and for the fact that Remus was warm. Alive. Safe. 

It was dark again whenever he felt Remus stir beside him. “Sirius?” 

“Yeah, Moony? Are you okay? Do you need anything?” Sirius said, panicking a little. 

“Yeah, I feel weird, but nothing too bad.”

“I almost lost you, Remus. I was so scared.” Sirius blurted out, not meaning to give the other boy anything to worry about, much less Sirius’ emotions. 

“I’m here okay? I stayed. I love you. And besides, don’t you owe me a kiss?”

Chapter Text

“Sirius?” Remus shook Sirius gently, hating to wake the other man up, but he didn’t feel right. 

“Yeah?” Sirius answered sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. “What time is it?” 

“About four, I’m sorry,” Remus said, forcing his head to turn to look at his husband. 

“It’s okay, what’s up?” 

“I’m having a flare. My body hurts and I don’t know if I can stand up. I think I have a fever,” Remus answered. He hated feeling so weak, and he hated to bother Sirius, who he knew had a busy week coming up. 

Sirius yawned and pushed himself out of bed. “I’ll grab your meds okay? A cool cloth?” 

Remus just nodded and stared blankly at the wall. Everything looked a little fuzzy, and he wished that he was back asleep. 

“Alright, here you go, my love.” Sirius said, pressing a cool glass of water and some tablets in his hand. Once he sat up enough to drink and take them, he flopped back on the bed weakly, and Sirius lay the ice pack wrapped in a thick towel on his forehead. He winced because he was cold and slightly shivering and he didn’t want it there, but knew that it might help. 

He fought waves of nausea for a bit, and slowly the shivering stopped and then he was able to fall back into an uneasy rest. 

He jolted awake from a nightmare of Fenrir standing over his bed, and him feeling so small and weak. He glanced around the room, and sighed with relief that it was empty. He was damp from sweat and figured at some point his fever must have broken, but was pretty sure that it was rising again. He felt a bone deep ache, and like he might never be warm again. As he gradually calmed from his dream and took further stock of his body. He was thirsty and he needed the loo. He slowly maneuvered himself to the side of the bed, but whenever things started to spin even before he tried to stand, he knew that wasn’t happening. 

He was so mad at how much his body betrayed him. He just wanted to be healthy, to be able to be independent. But here he was 35 years old and having to call for his husband for help to the toilet. Sirius rushed in to help, and they slowly got through taking care of that, brushing his teeth, and getting more medicine in him. Sirius got him to eat some applesauce, and it didn’t make his stomach feel too bad, so he might try more later. But he was done for now, and ready to lay back down. Sirius was rooting around in the cabinet under the sink though and Remus laid his head on the edge of it. It wasn’t very comfortable, but it was that or just melt onto the floor because he felt like he was drained of energy and the will to do anything. 

Sirius stood up with an “aha” and brought the thermometer over to swipe it across Remus’ forehead. “Yeah, we’ve gotta get that number down, or we’ll need the hospital.” Sirius tutted. “Sit tight.” 

Remus barely lifted his head to glance at him, giving him the where else would I go right now look. Although the floor was still looking like a good option. Then he could be horizontal, because right now, this wasn’t working for him. He knew that his body would hurt more, but his head might stop spinning. 

He fell into a kind of a haze for a few minutes, and then narrowed his eyes at Sirius, who was trying to maneuver his arms to get out of his shirt. “Sirius, now is really not the time,” Remus said, confused. 

Sirius snorted and rolled his eyes playfully. “You, sweetheart, are getting in the bath. Now come on, arms up.” 

Remus helped as much as he could with getting the rest of his clothes off, and only then noticed that the water was still running and the bath was getting full. Sirius sat him on the side, and helped him ease into the water. “Fuck, that’s cold,” Remus hissed. 

“I know, I’m sorry, we need to get your fever down,” Sirius said. He took a cloth and gently wrung out the cool water all over Remus. Goosebumps were raised on his arms, and he wanted nothing more than fuzzy pajamas and no less than every single blanket in the house. And maybe he could ask Mrs. Figg to borrow a few for good measure. 

Despite being sick, it did feel nice for Sirius to be touching him like this and he truly felt so taken care of in the moment that he was even pushing his pride down. The love for the other man constantly found a way to grow, and he wondered if one day his heart might explode from it. 

He didn’t know how long they stayed there, but Sirius must have eventually been satisfied, because Remus found himself back in bed and falling into a thankfully dreamless sleep. 

When Remus woke next, time definitely felt fuzzy, and he knew that he must have been asleep for a long time. He was feeling better than he was the night before, but he still knew that he was in a flare, and it would probably go up and down for a while. He called for Sirius just to be safe, and he helped him with the loo and then settled him on the couch. He turned something on the tv in the background and brought him some soup. Remus managed to eat most of it before he drifted off to sleep again. 

The next week was a blur of doctor visits, medication, cool baths, soup, cuddles and so much sleeping. But he woke up on Friday and his head was mostly clear and he wasn’t cold. His body still hurt, but it had eased off enough that he was able to hold on to his cane and the wall and do his business and join Sirius in the living room. 

“Look who’s risen from the semi-dead,” Sirius joked, flashing him a grin.

“Thank you,” Remus said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “I know it’s not as easy working from home.”

“I managed. Pete stayed with you a bit on the times I really needed to go in. We’ll take him to dinner in a couple of weeks when you’re up for it.” 

“Bless him,” Remus said. “I hope I wasn’t too much trouble.”

“For him? Nah, you slept the whole time.”

“I meant for you too, though,” Remus said.

“Nah, it was fine. You kept thinking I was seducing you when I got you in the bath. And you were muttering about the princess being in the next castle at one point.”

“I did not,” Remus huffed. 

“No, really. I turned on Mario music after that and you couldn’t stop giggling.” 

“Taking advantage of the sick, Sirius Black! How dare you?” 

“Ha! Yeah, you discovered my game, what will I do now?” 

“You’re silly,” Remus said, nudging his shoulder. 

“Silly for you, you mean?”

“Sure, let’s go with that.” Remus answered. 

“Think you can manage some toast and eggs?” Sirius asked. 

“I think so, will you eat with me?” 

“Yeah, be right back.”

They ate together and started a movie marathon. They made remarks about every time there was a plot hole, and what would’ve changed if the adults actually stepped up and looked around them. Or if the leader didn’t use and manipulate what amounted to children. But the world was interesting, and the characters were fun to talk about. They watched a few of the movies and talked about what could have been better, and how the characters were shaped. They unanimously decided that two side characters were completely gay for each other and that no one could tell them differently.

They then realized that the creator was a terf which upset them and guessed maybe they were wrong. But they started googling and Sirius also realized that there was a whole subsection of fans who took pretty much every character in the series and made them queer. There were a few that were also headcanoned to be trans, which made them both pleased. They dug a little deeper and realized that many others thought the same as they did about the two gay characters that the author apparently never intended to be read that way. But so many fabulous authors had been the real heroes and there were over 53,000 stories written about them. 

“What if we have that many other lifetimes and variations of our love story?” Sirius asked. 

“Well, I would find you in each one and love you no matter what,” Remus said, giving him a kiss on the cheek and thinking that was a nice thought. That they would be together in other universes. 

That their love was inevitable. 

Chapter Text

He inched towards Sirius and drew his wand, hoping to try to undo the spells that were keeping them from apparating and grab Sirius as soon as he could to get the fuck out of there. Regulus was holding back for right now, but he didn’t know how long or if that would continue. Regulus had been the last person they’d expected to see, and get unmasked when they took on this mission. The other order members who had been on duty with them had already taken their target and the fallen death eaters to be dealt with and suddenly he saw Sirius and Regulus dueling. Neither was aiming to kill or seriously injure the other, and Remus hated that it had to come to this with them, he wished that Regulus would have taken the offers Sirius gave him and left the family. 

But that wasn’t important now, getting out was, because the longer they were there, the bigger the chance that backup for one side or the other would show up. It would be amazing if it was the Order showing up, but just as great that it would be more death eaters. 

Remus didn’t get long to work on the ward, because the next thing he knew, he was being launched in the air, and a wall behind him came crumbling down. Huge chunks of stone and wood trapped him and something in his stomach was hurting. His face was bleeding but it was nothing serious. Regulus was gone and there was an eerie silence. Sirius came running over to where he was and was yelling. Remus’ ears were ringing and he couldn’t process anything he was saying. 

Sirius didn’t seem to be mortally injured even though he had tears running down his face, Remus thought they were probably all from emotions. 

The next thing he knew, the world went black. He didn’t think much time had passed but he couldn’t be sure. He just heard a familiar voice frantically saying, “No, Sirius, we have to heal him before we move the debris. Sirius, focus, listen to me. Stop!” 

There were a series of spells, and he felt the tingle of Lily’s magic. He could recognize the signature of the ones closest to him, and it was such a comfort. It felt like forever before the aching in his stomach stopped and he began to feel the weight begin to come off of him slowly. 

It was a slow process but finally he was free and Sirius was running over to him and kissing every inch he could reach. 

“I love you, so much,” Sirius whispered into his neck. 

“I love you too,” Remus said. He was glad that he was finally pain free and he moved to wrap his arms tightly around Sirius. “Okay, let’s go check on James.” 

Sirius nodded and they spent the evening with James and Lily at St Mungos. James had been stupified whenever they were dueling and they were keeping him just to be sure they didn't miss anything. He was awake when they got there and in good spirits. Sirius couldn’t seem to keep from touching Remus in some way, and Remus found it grounding as well. They had been through so much in this war already, too many close calls, and he didn’t want to take advantage of any moment that they have together. 

Later that night, Sirius draws them a bath and they lounge in their spacious tub, a candle lit and Remus rested against Sirius’ chest. His hip was hurting, but it was something that always hurt, it had never healed right after the repeated transformations. He shifted and it got the weight off of it and the warm water started helping it ease off. 

Sirius started idly tracing Remus’ scars which led to them gently washing each other, and then kissing until the water started to cool. They went to their bedroom and fell asleep in each other's arms. It had been a close call, but Remus had every hope that they were going to turn the corner. Dumbledore was talking about being close to getting a secret weapon, and said he had eyes on the inside. 

Remus dreamed of him and Sirius, much older than they were now, sitting on the front porch of a cottage that felt so familiar. They were talking with James and Lily and watching a bunch of kids playing in the front yard. It felt idyllic and when Remus woke up with a smile on his face, he knew he would do anything he had to in order for a future like that to be possible. 

Chapter Text

Remus was so tired, but he felt like he needed to get some things done around the house. Sirius was still at work but would be home soon, dinner was almost done, and Remus was trying to clean a stubborn spot on the floor. Normal cleaning spells hadn’t worked, so he was on the floor and using the more intricate one. 

“Hello moonbeam, I’m home!” He heard the sounds of the door being locked and the icy feel of Sirius’ magic redoing the wards. He sighed in relief, both Sirius’ presence and magic soothed something in him this close to the moon. He’d never really fully admit it but sometimes he felt a pang when they spent hours apart that gradually increased the longer it was. He was glad that the war hadn’t even stretched a year after they graduated because Dumbledore was starting to talk about sending him to talk to a few packs, and dread had sunk in thinking about how it would be after days much less 8 hours. It wasn’t quite as bad the further they were from the full, but he knew that wouldn’t be when Dumbledore would have sent him. So, of course, the wizarding world not being under a shadow of oppression and the number of people who probably would have died who were now living a better life is the most important factor of them winning, but with the relief he felt right now, it was also a benefit. 

“Hello sweetheart, good day?” Remus asked distractedly, watching Sirius in his healer robes slowly taking them off and hanging them in the hall to be cleaned later. 

“Pretty good, that little boy was able to be discharged. They found a cousin who was comfortable to take him,” Sirius replied. 

“That’s a relief,” Remus said. He thought about the little boy who had been attacked by a werewolf and his parents were killed. He secretly hoped that one day he and Sirius could adopt a child in a case like that whose family couldn’t take them, but he’d never voiced it. He was gathering the courage, but was also hesitant because his own health wasn't stable and the fact that he couldn’t keep a job, which might actually work in their favor, because he could stay full time with the child. But they weren’t there yet, and Remus was content with how things are now and he wasn’t sure Sirius wanted kids. But he sometimes sees flashes of a possible future with them curled up with a small child and of a little addition to their found pack on the full moons. He didn’t remember much but he did get glimpses of what the nights were like, and of the pack running with the wolf. 

He was brought out of his daydream by seeing something crawling and he fell back and jammed his wrist, but he was sure that he felt the sting of a spider bite. 

He got up and ran (rather hobbled moderately quickly) from the spider, yelping a bit. He probably could've gone a bit faster but he had no clue where his cane was. 

“Moons?”

“Spider. There’s a spider. I think it bit me, my hand is swelling.” 

“Shh, let me see,” Sirius came over and gave him a gentle smile. He began to examine the hand Remus had cradled to his chest. Remus could tell that he was concerned but at the same time trying not to giggle. Sirius found great humor in the fact that Remus, officially a class xxxxx beast, was terrified of spiders. It didn’t matter how small or big. 

Sirius looked and then drew his wand, casting a diagnostic. “Love, it’s just normal swelling from a strain, did you fall on it?”

“Yes, but I thought the spider bit me,” Remus said, examining the hand, seeing no puncture wounds. “I’m sorry. But can you deal with it?” 

“It’s okay. Let me heal you first,” Sirius said. He waved his wand and the swelling went down and the bit of pain vanished almost to nothing. Sirius gave him a forehead kiss and went to the corner of the kitchen. 

“It’s not very big,” Sirius commented, scooping it into a little cup. 

“Enough to make me run. I would’ve gone further and faster if I could have,” Remus grumbled. 

Sirius just smirked and was obviously still trying not to laugh. He took the spider outside and came back and put his arms around Remus. They stood in the kitchen and Sirius gently rocked them back and forth. Remus breathed him in and enjoyed the solidity and warmth of the man he loved. And felt so lucky that he took care of him no matter what, even if it meant protecting him from the spiders that invaded their apartment. 

Chapter Text

Sirius pushed Remus into the elevator and pressed the button to get up to their doctor. Remus had been having a lot of issues lately, so they decided to not wait for their next scheduled appointment. His usual joints didn’t seem to be responding as well to the medications and right now his wrist was red, hot to the touch and swollen. His mobility in his knees was already compromised so they wanted to try to be proactive to make an effort to stop progression. He used a wheelchair most of the time these days, and was having a hard time accepting the fact that he needed to. The doctors were talking about a custom fitted wheelchair that would be lighter, or else one that was electric so that it didn’t put stress on his wrists, arms, and shoulders. He didn’t need it every day, and didn’t seem to acknowledge that it would be easier for him to be independent in one if he could move himself easier as far as weight of the chair, and the turning ability difference. 

But Sirius had decided that he would let Remus come to his own decisions, and realized that if it was Sirius pushing the issue, that Remus wouldn’t do it for himself, but to make Sirius happy. Sirius had also heard from his support group for caretakers (James and Remus both requested he go and it had been a good thing) that it could also lead to resentment being pushed into decisions their partner wasn’t ready for, even if it seems from the outside that they were just hurting themselves more. 

Remus was quiet now, and Sirius wanted to ask what was wrong, and figuring out his wording whenever the elevator made a noise and suddenly stopped. 

“What’s going on?” Sirius asked, even though he was very well aware that Remus didn’t know. 

“I don’t know, you could try to press the call button?” 

Sirius jabbed the button and tapped his foot until a voice answered. 

“Hi yes, we are stuck on the elevator,” Sirius said, trying to keep his voice even. He didn’t really like elevators to start with, but had made himself get used to it because Remus needed them for access. He gave the person some information about their elevator number, what floors they were between and if anyone needed urgent assistance. 

“Hey, Sirius?” Remus asked. 

“Yeah?” 

“Could you tell me what happened in our chapter last night? I was sleepy and don’t remember much,” Remus asked. 

Sirius noticed that his own hands were shaking lightly and figured this was a distraction tactic. But he was thankful and spent a bit trying to remember all of the details. It was a fairly complicated book with a lot of lore and an interesting magical system. It focused on a centuries old vampire and a badass vampire hunter trying to kill each other while falling in love.  

“Hello? I just wanted to update you, maintenance is working hard to get your elevator going. You aren’t in any danger,” said the detached polite voice on the intercom. 

“We’re supposed to be seeing Dr. McGonagall, could you let her know we’ll be late? The patient is Remus Lupin,” Sirius said, voice a little shaky. 

“Certainly.” 

“Sirius? Can you hold my hand? Maybe tell me about what you think will happen on Grey’s?” Remus asked. 

That kept Sirius busy for a few minutes, but he kept glancing at the walls, and the elevator was feeling incrementally smaller. “I need to get out of here. Um. Can I kiss you?” Sirius asked, trying to think of the thing that would distract him and make him as happy as possible in the moment. 

“Yeah, of course,” Remus answered. “You can sit on my lap for a bit.” 

Sirius climbed onto Remus and his warmth and touch was nice, and managed to distract him until the elevator beeped, and Sirius was filled with a sense of relief. But nothing happened after, and then dread started to set in. He suddenly felt cold and like it was hard to catch his breath.

“Hey, it’s safe. We’re in London, at hospital. It’s warm and you’re in my arms. Look around, and see that the lights are on. You’re not at home, Walburga is not here.” 

Sirius shouldn’t have been surprised that Remus knew where his mind went, but he was. Walburga used to lock him in the closet where it was so dark, and it felt like the longer he was there, the smaller it got. 

“You’re with me and look, while it’s not big in here, it’s also not tiny. I have room to move my chair, okay? The walls are staying the same size.” 

Sirius looked around and saw Remus was right. Sirius tried to get as close to Remus as possible, touching him in every point of contact he could. There was never anyone in the closet with him. 

“Remus, get me out, please.”

“I can’t, beloved. But I’ve got you,” Remus told him, voice calm, steady, familiar. He wrapped his arms tighter around Sirius, giving him deep pressure, and it was enough for Sirius to steady his breathing, matching Remus’. He listened to his heartbeat and tried to just imagine that they were at home. He dissociated a bit, luckily calm, so he didn’t know how much longer it was before the elevator finally beeped and started to ascend. 

Remus tried to get Sirius to agree to postpone their appointment, but he wanted to be seen if McGonagall agreed. The nurse was one of the sweetest people and got them settled in a room with some water and snacks, knowing that they’d been stuck. They left a bit later with a new dose of his current meds, as well as a new one to try for the short-term. 

They went home and had a nice bubble bath, and enjoyed each other’s quiet company. Sirius was always tired after a panic attack and Remus was being sweet and taking care of him every way he could think of, and Sirius felt so loved, and was glad that his life was so much different than the life he expected to have when he was growing up. 

Being with Remus made him so happy, they always seemed to have something to talk about or enjoy together. He was glad that they also had a support system. They had a lot of friends and James and Lily were just thirty minutes away so they got to see them and their godson often. Sirius loved working at the hospital as a physician's assistant and felt fulfilled getting to help people. Remus was happy teaching and working on his novel. 

Sirius was content in their quiet, domestic life together.

Chapter Text

Remus woke up and had no idea where he was. He was aching so badly that it had to be after the full moon, but he had no idea why he was outside. He should have been in the cellar at his house, but that also didn’t feel correct, but he didn’t know why. He felt like he hadn’t been there in a long time. He had flashes of a school, a violent tree and a shack, but he really couldn’t figure out how that connected to him. He just knew that at that moment, he was in a place he didn’t know, and he was naked in front of a man that he did not recognize. 

He thought of an open window and yellow eyes staring him down for a few long seconds and then pain. So much pain, and he started to panic. He didn’t see any clothes, so he just got up and ran. 

He had no idea where he was going, but surely he would find people somewhere, someone that could help him and didn’t have him in the middle of the woods and had stolen his clothes. Again, something was in the back of his head that just didn’t add up. He only felt panic after he’d fully woken up. In that space between sleeping and waking, in a haze of pain, he’d still felt safe, loved, cared for, surrounded by a presence that brought him peace. 

He kept running, out of breath and just wanted to lay down and rest. Everything ached, for some reason, his leg wasn’t working right and he didn’t have full feeling in it. His body felt wrinkled in ways that were foreign to him, the only imperfections he could remember were his scars, and even those weren’t familiar anymore. There were more of them even though most looked old and silvery. 

He had no idea how long it had been since he left the clearing, but he was now going much slower. He hadn’t been careful before, but he also did not want for the man to possibly be able to follow him by footprints or branches being upset. Remus just wanted to be home, and the next thing he knew, he was sitting in the Wales countryside. He felt nauseous and didn’t know how he got here, but put that off as something to deal with later. 

The house he grew up in looked unfamiliar. It was painted, the flower garden and rose bushes were gone, and there weren’t clothes out on the line. It made him sad for some reason, but he headed up the porch and walked in. Everything was unfamiliar here too. None of the pictures, knick knacks or little touches from Hope that just brought everything together. 

“Hello?” he called out, hoping for his mom to answer and tell him what was going on. He was so scared. 

“Who is it?” a shaky voice called.

“Remus, where’s mam? Who are you?” 

“Remus? Wait, do you mean Hope’s boy?” an older lady walked out of the kitchen, to where Remus was frozen in the hallway. “Good heavens, where are your clothes?” 

“Some man took them,” Remus said. “Where’s mam?” 

“Oh honey, she died, what was it, probably fifteen years ago? I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you and she lost touch.” 

“Why are you here?” 

“I bought the house, darling.” 

“Oh. Um. My Tad?” he asked. He really didn’t want to see Lyall, but he felt so lost and confused, wanting anything that could make sense. 

“No one has seen or heard from him since Hope.” She had been talking from the bedroom, Remus could hear drawers opening and shutting. 

“Oh.” 

“Look, here’s some clothes, they might be a bit small, but I’m afraid I don’t have anything else to offer. Why don’t you change and then come have some tea and breakfast?” 

“Uh. I don’t want to impose. I’ll take the clothes though, I will pay you back.”

“No bother.” 

Remus changed clothes and took stock of everything that had changed. And honestly, it was pretty much everything. He wondered if the cellar was still out back but he shivered and decided he didn’t want to know. He joined the woman at the table, and gratefully took the warm cup of tea and forced himself to eat.
“What do you mean a man took your clothes? Were you hurt? Do you need the police?” 

“I don’t know. I was in the woods and I don’t know how I got there. I’m no more hurt than usual though.” 

“Okay, I’ll be right back, I’ll give them a ring, and see if they can help. If nothing else, maybe they can get you home, I can’t drive, you see.” 

Remus tried to picture where home was now. If this isn’t where he lived. But nothing came to mind besides the school he’d pictured earlier, and then, most strangely, the man with black hair he’d woken up next too. More confusing was that from the brief glance Remus had of the man this morning, it differed from the one who flickered across his memory because he pictured in his head was much younger. 

“The police are on their way, okay?” 

It hadn’t bothered him a few minutes ago, the idea of her calling. But now a sudden dread hit him and his heart started pounding and his palms started to sweat. 

“Um. You can… I… I can’t… You should call them back. I am okay really, I am just going to go home. Remus said, hastily getting up and heading to the front door. 

“Wait, Remus. Remus? Please let us help,” she said, but Remus only vaguely registered what she was saying before he was walking in the woods again. 

**

Sirius woke up and everything was quiet. Much too quiet. He couldn’t hear the sounds of Remus’ breathing, nor him rustling around nearby. He usually sleeps for a long time these days on full moon mornings. The transformations took so much out of him that even the pain didn’t cause him to rouse for a while. The blanket was dropped beside Sirius and he glanced over to see his clothes still sitting on a low branch, and when he summoned Remus’ wand, it flew right into his hands. 

They’d discussed taking it from him in some of his more lucid moments, because he had put himself in danger a few times, attacked Sirius because he didn’t recognize him, and Sirius wasn’t upset and didn’t blame him, but if Remus ever seriously injured Sirius, he wouldn’t forgive himself. But Sirius also felt bad, because most of the time, Remus was himself. Or some version of his adult self that knew who Remus was, who Sirius is to him, where he was, and he might be a little confused at what changed, but he just went along with it. The times that were the most scary for the both of them were when Remus lost sense of himself completely. Yet other times, although he knew that he was an adult, but also superimposed were memories of living in Wales, in his parents house, with Hope and Lyall how they were before Remus went to Hogwarts. 

Poppy said that this sort of memory loss and brain damage it’s rarely seen, because Remus is on the upper life expectancy of werewolves, and usually those who lived to be his age were bitten much later in life. But Remus also didn’t fit in some of the categories that factored into the statistics. Remus had always had food to eat, and a place to live, even if he was often depressed about the fact that he couldn’t do it all on his own. Remus had full access to medical care after he went to Hogwarts, and he had the three marauders to transform with him most of the time. It used to be every month with few exceptions, but things changed over time. James and Lily first had their own children and now had a few young grandchildren. Peter’s sister was extremely sick and needed a lot of care, so he’d been missing some lately, and so lately it had been just the two of them. There were a few other differences too;  for registered werewolves, if captured, that impacted life expectancy, and people who confined themselves had an angry wolf to deal with once a month. 

So, Sirius thanked the stars constantly that he still had his lover in his life and would accept any challenges, physical or mental. Even if Remus didn’t have times where he was the same old Moony, Sirius would still want to care for him and show him love until his last breath. 

But with all of this running through his head, Sirius was terrified right now. “Remus?” he called out, voice loud and shaky. He could only hope that Remus had woken early and walked further away to pee. But Remus usually got dressed as quickly as he could, and didn’t go far because he was sore. 

As expected, there was no answer. Sirius shifted into Padfoot and used his enhanced senses to scent for his mate. It was much different from Moony’s canine scent, but Padfoot was himself around Remus enough that he’d never forget his smell until he was in the next life with his lover again. In fact, he spent more time as Padfoot with Remus these days than he ever had before, because if Remus didn’t recognize him, even though he might not know Padfoot either, a friendly, silly, loving dog was much less intimidating than a stranger. 

He ran, constantly sniffing and following the path, and although it was harder to get a sense of time as a dog, he knew that it was quite a while. He was impressed that Remus had gotten this far, this close to a moon. But suddenly his scent disappeared completely and Sirius could only guess that he accidentally apparated somewhere. He checked their house first, because maybe something about the wild magic would draw him here, but there were no signs of him. Next he went to the Potters, and he had really doubted Remus would be there, but he could use James and Lily as a sounding board. Remus had only done accidental apparition a couple of times, but both times, he’d immediately started wandering. He figured that two people would be better. He’d gone to the seaside once, where he later told Sirius it was one of the best memories of family holidays he’d ever had. Remus had come home on his own, eventually but they pieced together where he’d been once he had some lucidity back. The second time, he had gone to their old flat and was then wandering around the city. The inhabitants at their old flat had hit Remus for walking in until they realized that he wasn’t mentally well, and called the police, which caused Remus to run. Sirius had found him shivering under a bridge, and both of them had been so terrified. 

So, he and James split up and started looking. James did the seaside so he could shift into a deer for his senses if needed, and while that would be unusual, it would still be a more acceptable sight than a stag roaming around London sniffing sidewalks and chasing scents. About twenty minutes later they were back in the Potter’s living room, both seeing no sign of Remus, nor smelling him closeby. 

“What about Wales?” James suggested, and it was a good one, Sirius didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it, or why Remus went to the seaside rather than Wales, but accidental magic was highly unpredictable and he would probably never have any answers. When he apparated in the woods behind the Lupin’s old cottage, even though he knew it had been sold, he still felt a sense of relief, because there were a few police cars out front, and he rushed to knock on the door. 

“This is going to sound really strange, but did a man show up this morning, possibly naked?” 

The woman went on to explain what happened, but was extremely skeptical that Sirius had Remus in the middle of the woods naked, which, fair enough. Although she did believe that he was having some memory problems because she said once she started thinking about it, she thought Hope and he had been connected much closer to her death, but Remus didn’t seem to know that she’d ever been sick. 

Sirius excused himself, saying he had a few places to check. He went down the road until he could go into the woods and apparate. 

It was once again back at the Potters and they were trying to figure out what to do next. They ran through a list of possibilities, when Lily suggested trying a Patronus since Remus usually responded well to Padfoot. 

**

Remus was sitting by the lake at the school, it was beautiful and he wished he knew why this place was important to him, but he was just enjoying the quiet and trying to figure out what was going on. Suddenly there was a burst of light and a shimmery blue dog appeared. It was huge and it looked so fluffy. It approached Remus cautiously and Remus just stared at it, unsure why it was here. It got close enough to touch and had its tongue out and looked almost like it was smiling. 

Remus raised his hand to touch it, but there was nothing corporeal. 

“Remus?” it suddenly said. 

He jumped in shock and tilted his head, sizing it up. It was some sort of magic that he was unfamiliar with and he just didn’t know what it could want from him and if it could hurt him. But the voice. It struck something inside him. And a niggling sense that he’d cuddled with this dog before, even though he obviously couldn’t touch it. 

“Yeah?” Remus finally said, feeling like an idiot for talking to something that only he might be able to see. 

“Where are you sweetheart?” the voice asked. 

“Uh. Why is a dog talking to me?” 

“It’s Padfoot, I’m worried for you.”

“Who is Padfoot?” Remus asked.

“It’s Sirius, I’m your husband. I can’t find you and I want to come and get you, or at least know you are safe.”

Sirius?

My husband? 

I’m married?

Aren’t I too young for that?

Where am I?

I hurt so bad. 

I want to be at home.
Home?

Sirius?

Padfoot? 

Home. I want to go home. 

Sirius. Sirius. 

Sirius. 

A flurry of thoughts rushed through his head, and he suddenly realized exactly who Sirius was, who he was with this morning and why he’d been there, why he had been naked, and flashes of a life together, although trying to really grasp on to anything besides the very basics of his current life was making his head hurt. 

“Remus?” asked again. 

Remus burst into tears and couldn’t speak. The dog came closer and if it were solid, it would’ve been laying in his lap. 

“Are you hurt?” 

He managed to shake his head, but Sirius didn’t answer. So maybe it was going by sounds and Sirius couldn’t see him? Or could only see up close. 

“No,” he managed through the tears. 

He eventually calmed down and wiped his eyes. “I’m at Hogwarts, by the Lake.”
“Okay, we’ll be there soon, okay?” 

“Can Padfoot stay with me?” 

“Yes, absolutely, I’ll do my best. If it flickers, I’ll send him right back.”

And so, Remus sat on the shores of the Great Lake, with a dog that he couldn’t touch, but still gave him comfort curled up in his lap until Sirius and James came jogging up to him. Remus was stiff and couldn’t get up so Sirius dropped to his knees in front of Remus and scanned his body from head to toe. Remus scooted himself over and pressed himself into Sirius’ arms and decided he would be fine if he never left the comfort of them. 

“Shh, I’ve got you, sweetheart.” Sirius whispered, rocking slightly and rubbing his back. 

“I’m here too, Moony. It’s all going to be okay. I love you,” James said, lowering to the ground and wiggling closer to Remus. 

Time passed but Remus had no grasp of it, but he did see another figure coming over the hill and walking towards them. It was the fourth member of the marauders, and it was the first time they’d been reunited back at Hogwarts since they graduated. 

Remus felt a strange, but this time pleasant feeling of the past and present melding together, and knew that even when he got lost in his mind, he had people who loved him and would try to call him back. 

Chapter Text

“Sirius?’ Remus said urgently. 

“Yeah?” 

“The bin, quick,” Remus said. He was in bed, and no way would he make it to his chair or crutches in the bathroom. 

Sirius was just in time and it felt like forever until Remus was done, and his stomach settled again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. 

“Shh, it’s okay. Don’t apologize. Are you good now? I can take that, get you some more water and a wet washcloth.”

“I think so. Thank you, I can do it though.” 

Sirius gave him a look, and he sank back on his pillows. His RA had been in a flare for a bit and nothing seemed to be working well. He’d just had his methotrexate shot today and it was a little earlier than usual  for him to have side effects but his health had been unstable. He flexed his fingers and rolled his wrist, it was hurting and felt swollen, but there wasn’t anything he could do besides ride it out. 

He just felt bad because he was sick and hadn’t really prepared anything; his little bags or taken nausea meds so that it was less strain on Sirius. They hadn’t been living together long, and it was hard for Remus to accept his help as well. He had a few services he called whenever he was at his worst to get help with cleaning and meals, sometimes laundry depending on how long his flare was. But Sirius had wanted to take over those things, and it all felt hard to accept. He knew that Sirius loves him and genuinely wants to do what he can to make things easier for Remus. And Remus took on a bit more when he was feeling well, so he tried to keep a balance. 

They’d had to move into his place because it was accessible, but he wondered if Sirius would have preferred it another way. Remus had just gotten his new chair, and it was smaller, and fit for him unlike his previous one and he’d told Sirius he was right a few times, and didn’t know why he had resisted it. Remus luckily still had some mobility but he was slow, and it was great to have on his bad days. Which didn’t do any good for this particular situation, but it did for most things. 

Sirius brought him some meds and the other promised items and Remus cuddled into his arms, and quickly went to sleep even though it was pretty early. 

It was completely dark out the next time he woke, nauseous again, but this time his stomach felt different and he woke Sirius again even though he had his sick bags now. 

“Sirius, I feel weird. I’m sorry,” Remus muttered. He felt hazy and the room was spinning a bit. He registered that Sirius turned on his own light and stretched. 

“How so? Wait, Remus… your eyes are yellow.”

“Yellow? They’re brown, Sirius. My stomach hurts and it doesn’t feel normal,” Remus said. 

“Uh, no. I mean the whites of your eyes are.” Sirius went to flip on the big light and made a face. “Your skin is too. I think that is something to do with your liver, right? That is what they talked about with the Humira and the methotrexate. Let’s get dressed and get you to the hospital, okay?” 

Remus nodded weakly before throwing up again, and then letting Sirius basically dress him, put him in his wheelchair and into the car. He vaguely registered the streetlights, casting pools of light into the otherwise very quiet night. Then there was a blur of activity. Barely aware of getting put onto a stretcher, hooked up to IVs, being taken to imaging, of something being placed into his stomach and getting bloodwork. Sirius stayed with him the whole time that he could, holding his hand and talking to him even though Remus couldn’t really tell you what he said. 

They finally left Remus alone for a bit at about five in the morning, but it was only a few hours later that nurses came in, getting more blood, and giving him more medicine. The doctor came in not long after that and told Remus that he was having a rare complication from his medicines. His liver was damaged and they were going to do a biopsy later to check the staging of the disease. They were told depending on lifestyle and how he responds to the medication that life expectancy could be from 2-12 years. Which was scary although he had already had a shortened one because of his RA, that was much less drastic. That was talking about 10 years less than average. This was giving a number of years left to live. They did say that there were other things they could pursue but they just needed to know more. But Remus also worried about joint damage if he had to stop his medications. 

“Remus, let’s worry about one thing at a time, okay?” Sirius said, seemingly reading his mind, and squeezed his hand. “I’m scared too, but once we know more, then we can make decisions and plans. But Remus? No matter what, I will always be by your side. I will love you until your last breath, and beyond. I really hope that we have more time than they can even imagine, but we will do it together okay? Every step of the way, I’ve got you.”

Remus knew that the wait for results and then anything they might have to say besides the fact that they were wrong would be devastating to hear, but Sirius was making a lot of sense. They knew very little right now. And Sirius’ reassurances meant a lot, and he would learn to accept that love and help. Because he adored Sirius, and he wanted to be able to spend every day he has left with Sirius whether Remus dies in two years or in eighty. 

Sirius would be with him and they would be there for each other through it all.

Chapter Text

“Sirius, did you see who the floater is?” James asked, plopping down on the couch beside him. 

“Nope. Please, not Snape, that man should be fired.”

“Actually, I think he was. A string of patients made complaints about him. I haven’t bothered to double check though. Hopefully good riddance.”

“There is some justice in the world, I suppose,” Sirius said. He flipped off the news and onto a game show. They weren’t his favorite but everyone liked them, and this was a trivia one which made it better. He just needed to numb his mind for a bit. He hadn’t been able to sleep last night due to nightmares and with his job, that wasn’t the best thing. They’d done some drills, assisted on a car crash that luckily wasn’t severe, and put out a kitchen fire. 

“It’s for the paramedics, Mary has some sort of appointment. But Remus is coming in,” James said. 

Sirius perked up at the name. He really liked the other man, he was funny, clever, and he would banter with Sirius. Sirius hadn’t been physically attracted to him at first, not really, although he had pretty eyes and his curls were beautiful. But the more time Sirius spent becoming his friend, the more Sirius really looked at him. Sirius could tell when someone was objectively beautiful, sure, but that wasn’t what made Sirius really want to be closer to someone, or interested in a relationship. He didn’t want any of that really, until he trusted them, built a friendship. And once they had, Sirius noticed all the things about Remus to appreciate. The golden tone his skin took on in the summer months, the freckles that dusted his cheeks, his strong shoulders and slim fingers, he started to appreciate more how the scar bisecting his face added a rugged look that made his stomach flutter sometimes. Regulus told him that he didn’t see the appeal, but that he liked Remus as a person, and they would be good together. Regulus worked in the fire investigation office, and he loved his work. It didn’t overlap a lot with Sirius, but they had a commonality for sure, and that had helped to break the ice when Regulus moved to town after running from their parents. Walburga and Orion very much did not like the field of work he chose, but they held on because they thought they could still change his mind, but when he came out as gay, they started being cruel, and Regulus decided he’d had enough. Him and Remus were friends as well, and Sirius often wondered how to get closer but always chickened out. They really only saw each other a few shifts a month, and occasionally ended up at the same gatherings. Sirius always wanted more, but was afraid to pursue it, because they were colleagues. They didn’t share the same bosses because Sirius is a firefighter and Remus is a paramedic, but the two groups did share the same building. And unlike what some people in the upper office didn’t seem to get, is that it’s important to trust your team. Floaters included, each house had their favorites. They meshed with the team and their style. And although it was more important for their squad when it was a firefighter, that wasn’t to discount what the paramedics added to the mix. They were often on the same calls, and it was nice to know that your patients will be in good hands. 

And so, since Sirius didn’t have the best track record with relationships, he didn’t want to risk it. He’d probably say yes in an instant if asked, because he was a weak man after all. But without knowing for sure that the other man had feelings, and it wasn’t just some sort of one night stand kind of deal, that did change the stakes a bit. It might be harder if it were to go wrong, but it felt like a more calculated risk to Sirius for some reason. 

McGonagall, their captain had tried to get Remus to join them whenever Pamona retired, but Remus has a chronic illness, Sirius didn’t know any details and didn’t really need to, that he sustained on the job, and he pushed to be able to work when he was fit. Another paramedic had to sign off on it every day when he accepted a job,  which Sirius thought was ridiculous. As far as he could tell, Remus used good judgment and if he felt bad, he wouldn’t accept the job. He knew that Remus had been attacked while working by a patient who wasn’t mentally well, and he had some scars but this had been some years ago. He had to step back from full time which was hard for him but he didn’t want to leave the profession completely. Sirius knew that he was doing a few side jobs as well as taking a few classes.

He tried not to smile too widely thinking of the other man and the fact that he would be there soon. “It’s always nice to see him. I wonder how his visit with his mom was? I’ll have to ask him.” 

“It was good, she’s feeling better, and he was also able to recover a bit from a flare,” James said, offhandedly. As if he wasn’t hiding important information. 

“How do you know that?” 

“Lily. She’s in a book club with him. She doesn’t tell me much but I overheard part of a conversation when I came to the kitchen one day.”

“What book?” Sirius couldn’t stop himself from asking. 

“You are not joining book club with my wife,” James said, pointing right in his face. 

“Fine, fine. But I could at least casually bring it up? Will you text her?” 

“No, Sirius. Just be yourself, you two talk about books sometimes already. Let it come naturally,” James said, throwing an arm around Sirius’ shoulder. “Speaking of, why don’t you try to sit by him tonight for a while, maybe flirt a bit? Less subtly, perhaps?”

“I can’t do that, you know why… Wait. What’s tonight?” 

“Sirius, it’s his birthday get-together at Molly’s,” James said. 

“I didn’t know this. Why don’t I know this? Maybe he doesn’t want me there, if he didn’t ask me?” 

“He asked everyone here, Sirius.”
“Not me,” Sirius pouted. 

“You were there that day, I swear,” James trailed off, thinking. “Oh, no.” 

“What did you do?” 

“I may have forgotten to tell you? You were on desk when those boys came in asking for something for school, we were all in the kitchen and I was supposed to make sure you knew.” 

“Oh, okay. But I’m invited?”

“Yes, I’m not trying to save your feelings. He specifically asked me to tell you in case he didn’t see you before he left. It’s a public bar anyways, and you know he likes you.”

“Not like that,” Sirius grumbled. 

“So you say. And why are you pouting, you are the one who is afraid of it.” 

A melodic voice interrupted them asking: “Afraid of what?” Sirius turned to see Remus leaning on the door frame.

“Spiders. Jamie hates them, Lily has to deal with every single one.” 

“Lies,” James said, sticking out his tongue. 

“I believe I’ve heard differently,” Remus said with a smirk. “Is there one around? I can take it outside?”

“Engine 59, brush fire, 1510 PandaTc Rd.” The buzz and the voice on the intercom called.

“Well, duty calls. See you tonight?” Sirius said, giving Remus a smile, and feeling a little brave, a wink at the last second. He jogged towards the truck and got his gear on, and soon they were on scene. It was luckily pretty contained, and it didn’t take much work for everything to be put out, and they were just doing clean up and paperwork whenever Sirius felt a sharp sting on his wrist. He looked down to see a bee, and shrugged. It tingled but it wasn’t a big deal. 

Or so he thought, because suddenly it felt itchy and he saw hives breaking out on his arm. He felt a bit lightheaded and was suddenly congested.
“Hey James? I don’t feel good. I got stung,” Sirius called, sitting on the ground. 

“Have you never been stung before?” 

“No,” Sirius said, idly scratching his arm. 

“Let me call it in,” James said, and went to talk to the captain. 

Sirius focused on taking deep breaths, not sure if it was a reaction or if he was panicking a little. His throat had started to itch by the time James came over and James helped him take off all of his outer gear and got him laying down. He took his pulse and watched him carefully until they heard the sirens. They were luckily pretty close by the firehouse because Sirius felt like it was getting hard to breathe. 

Remus and Poppy came rushing over and set down the gear bag. He watched a little detached and fuzzy as they worked. They gave him a shot, hooked him to a heart monitor, gave him some oxygen and started an IV. He could breathe a bit easier by the time he was loaded on the ambulance and watched Remus as he fiddled with equipment. 

“You with me?” Remus asked.

Sirius had a moment where he was not really thinking and grabbed Remus' hand. He gave a cough and harsh exhale.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you, okay? I have medicine to give you if you feel worse, and we’re almost there,” Remus said.

“Yeah, bit better” Sirius finally responded to his original question, realizing he must not have been talking earlier. He couldn’t really remember being asked questions, but he knew people had been speaking, just not what they said. 

Remus asked him a bunch of health questions and Sirius blushed but answered. When Remus finally seemed to be done, Sirius smiled and asked “Shouldn’t you take a man on a date first before wanting to know all of this?”

“Back of the ambulance isn’t very romantic, I’m afraid,” Remus said. 

Sirius wasn’t sure what to make of that statement, so just remained quiet. He still wasn’t feeling quite right, but much better than he was. 

Remus didn’t drop his hand until they stopped in front of the ER and Remus helped to get him inside and get settled. “I hope you feel better, Sirius. I’m sure James or Lily will be here shortly, and I have to head back with Poppy. You’ll be okay, though, right?” 

Sirius nodded, although a small part of him wanted to ask Remus to stay. He refrained though and the nurse came back in, so he didn’t have much time to think for a little while. There was a flurry of activity and once it died down he was able to get a bit of sleep. When he woke, it was busier outside of the little room he was in, and it seemed later than he expected.

Plus, someone he very much did not expect to be there was sitting by his bedside. 

“Hey sleepyhead, how are you feeling?” Remus said, when he noticed Sirius was awake and staring at him.
“Yeah. Uh. Better, much better than earlier, thank you for your help,” Sirius said, clearing his throat and feeling awkward in a hospital gown, laying in bed. 

“It’s quite literally my job, but even if it wasn’t, I would help you any time Sirius.” 

Sirius blushed and didn’t know what to say to that. It was quiet for a few moments and then he realized who was missing from the room, since the presence of Remus distracted him.

“Where’s James and Lily?” 

“There was a big call at the house, and Lily was trying to find a sitter, it seems Harry is sick and most people don’t want to take him,” Remus said. Then after a beat, “I told them I was happy to come.” 

“Why, though?” Sirius blurted out. 

“Well, you're my friend and I like you,” Remus said. 

Sirius didn’t know in what context that was, so he didn’t comment or even try to figure it out at that moment. He felt so drained from the day, it had been a long one, even before his medical emergency, and the nap didn’t seem to help very much. 

Remus started talking about a show that they both watched, and Sirius fell into a more comfortable rhythm with the other man. 

“And then it was his birthday last episode… Wait. Remus. Aren’t you supposed to be at your party?” 

“I would rather be here with you. I wish, of course, that you weren’t sick, but I jumped at the chance to keep you company and spend time with just the two of us.”

“Oh, is that something that you’ve wanted as well?” Sirius asked. 

“As well? I’m glad to hear that. But yes, it’s something that I want. I just couldn’t quite figure you out, if you were interested or not. Plus, I suspected but also wasn’t 100% sure you were queer.”

“What did I do to make you think I am straight so that I can change it immediately,” Sirius joked. Even though he knew that he didn’t actually advertise it very much, just because he didn’t think that it should really matter on the job. 

“I think it’s the leather jacket, totally.”

“Oh, well fuck that. The jacket isn’t going anywhere.”

“It better not. The hair might also be contributing to the straight image?” 

“Remus. The hair is not to be talked about like that.” 

“Fine, fine. Actually. I just said two of the first things I noticed about you. It didn’t read any certain way,” Remus said, blushing a bit. 

“Good, I thought that this friendship might not survive,” Sirius joked. He shifted in bed and sat up more. 

“There are other things I’ve noticed too.”

“Oh yeah?” Sirius said, aware that it might be fishing for compliments, however Remus had offered. 

“Your eyes, your cheekbones, when you wear your eyebrow piercing, the way you dance. But more importantly, I have noticed that you are an incredible friend. The bond that you and James especially have, but also how you encourage and talk to the rest of the team is special. The way you are with little Harry is so sweet, he adores you and children are a good judge of character. I’ve noticed your empathy with patients and victims, you do your job with such care. I have noticed your gorgeous laugh, and humor. That you match wits with me, and I love it.”

“You’ve noticed all that? Really?” Sirius asked, swallowing around a lump in his throat. 

Remus gave him a warm smile and nodded, seeming to realize Sirius needed a moment. 

And he did. Because he’d expected the physical traits, he knew that he had good genes from his family even if they gave him nothing else positive. But he hadn’t expected Remus to keep going. He thought that if people looked past his appearance, they were put off by how close he was with James, like it threatened them, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. Sirius had so much love to give, and he wanted to form different bonds with different people and wanted an equally deep, even if different, bond with his partner. People noticed that he wasn’t the biggest fan of sex, especially right away. They noticed the nightmares and the panic attacks. And he didn’t know how much Remus might have seen of that. They’d slept in the same bunks a few times, so probably at least a little. And the man was seeing him in a hospital bed right now. 

So, to have all of the positives listed out made him want to cry. 

And now, he still wasn’t quite sure what the words might mean, but he wanted to find out. 

“Remus? Could I take you out for your birthday? As a thank you for tonight?” 

“I would love that. As long as we have cake. Can we have cake?” Remus asked, his eyes lighting up like a child’s at the thought of birthday cake and Sirius was so endeared. 

“Yes, of course we’ll have cake,” Sirius said. And then found himself wondering if it could still be read as a friendship thing. And found some courage, because everything Remus said didn’t sound strictly platonic. He figured that they were adults and that they could work through it if he’d read this wrong. 

But he really hoped that he was right. 

“Remus? I want this to be a date, if that’s okay?”

“Yes, Sirius Black, I would love for you to take me on a date for my birthday and eat cake with you. There’s nothing I would like more.”

Chapter Text

“Regulus you stupid, arrogant, cocky, self-sacrificing son of a bitch. You better not be doing what I think you’re doing,” Remus said. He’d come back to the apartment to find it quiet. Regulus was supposed to be looking over maps, and doing some last minute studying on the Horcruxes while Remus went out to get the ingredients for the potions Regulus would make for him in a couple of days for the moon. He was already hurting but it wasn’t too bad yet, and wouldn’t take anything but Regulus had grumbled at him about being out of ingredients. 

Remus should’ve seen through it. Regulus had been acting off for a few days now, and Remus had seen him talking to Kreature a few times in hushed whispers, which he usually didn’t do. The elf had disliked Remus at first sight but he has gotten better with time. Remus is kind to him and shows him respect, although the thing that Remus thinks really made the difference is the time that Remus literally saved Regulus’ life right in front of him. But even before that, Regulus just spoke freely in front of them both. 

“Kreature, could you come to me please? It’s about Regulus.” 

“The half-br… Remus called?” Kreature asked, looking none too pleased to be summoned by Remus, and he was also a little surprised that he came to him anyways. But that was why he mentioned Regulus to begin with. 

“Do you know where Regulus might be? I’m worried about him,” Remus asked. 

“Yes.” 

Remus rolled his eyes at the one word answer but didn’t let exasperation creep into his voice. “Tell me where?” 

“I can’t say.” 

“I think that Regulus is doing something dangerous and I think that you know exactly where he is.” 

When Kreature just looked at Remus, he thought through how he might get around whatever orders he was given.
“This has do with what you’ve been whispering about?” When Kreature nodded, Remus continued, “And does it have to do with what we’ve been researching?” 

Kreature let his eyes drift to and stare at the book on the table, one that mentioned horcruxes. Kreature hit himself in the head, and Remus figured it must be close to breaking orders, but not terribly so because he only did it twice. 

“He went by himself, right?” 

Nod.

“Have you been to wherever he’s at?”

“Dreadful, horrible place, I begged Master not to go, but he wouldn’t listen and sent me home. It’s cold and dark, and evil, and that potion was horrible.” 

“Can you tell me all you remember?” Remus asked, not expecting it to work. But he was given the layout, information about the boat, the blood sacrifice, the lake, the potion that made you want water but the evil that lay below it. Remus wasn’t sure what kind of evil might be below but he made note of it and pressed for more. 

“Okay Kreature. I need you to take me there. It will probably save Regulus’ life, okay? Then stay and get us out if you can. If you have to choose, pick him. I mean, I know you would anyways, but Sirius will need him. The Order needs him more than me,” Remus said with a sigh. He’d been such a failure with the packs that Dumbledore had pulled him, that and the fact that he could barely walk on his bad days anymore, but Remus wasn’t so certain that would have really stopped him if he didn’t have another use for Remus. 

Since everyone was used to Remus being on solo missions, Dumbledore introduced him to Regulus and they’d been working together since. Remus was there every day when it wasn’t the full or the day after, and Sirius thought that Remus had finally gotten a job. And it wasn’t exactly a lie, even though Remus wanted so badly to tell him what was going on. But he didn’t think it would end well. He could be wrong, but he thought that there were moments when Sirius doubted his loyalty to the Order. He would wait a beat too long before answering a question about the Potters, and didn’t talk about his missions any more, which Remus thought was more than fair because Remus didn’t about his either. He told him he was doing research since it was fair to assume that he might not be very useful in the field. Remus could still use his wand just fine but all it took was a slip of a shield or his concentration and they could target where he was obviously physically weak. Remus hated that he was sidelined, but he was soothed a bit because he knew that what he and Regulus were doing was going to make a huge difference. 

He just hated that things with Sirius were shaky, and he needed him now more than ever, but he didn’t know what to do to bridge the gap. But he knew that was a problem for another time. 

“Yes, of course,” Kreature said with an odd tone Remus didn’t care to try to decipher. 

Once he got into the cave, blood dripping down his fingers, he thought that they had been wrong. But Remus figured that if nothing else, he could get what they came for and figure out where else Regulus might be. But he heard a splash, a short shriek with just Regulus’ head above the water and then an even greater splash when Regulus disappeared. Remus thought that he recognized the pale bodies and shot a fire spell across the top of the water, hoping to scare them enough to let Regulus go. 

It didn’t work, but he kept trying as Kreature got them across the water and onto the island. Remus did a charm to make it nearly blindingly bright in there, and saw a mass of bodies, and gathered up every bit of strength and imagined Regulus in his mind, and focused on intent instead of a spell, using the more wild magic that he was sometimes afraid of because he didn’t understand, but it was the only thing he could think of. 

Luckily it worked and Regulus came slowly up from the water, and picked up speed until he was laying at Remus’ feet. He pushed aside the exhaustion from the magic and the moon and did a diagnostic spell on Regulus. Thankfully, he’d been studying healing more, hoping to bring at least something to offer the packs, since Dumbledore couldn’t offer any promises in exchange for their help. He could heal them, teach the wizards who showed any aptitude. 

But all of that studying didn’t really help right now. Regulus barely had a pulse, but he wasn’t breathing. It was no surprise that his lungs were full of water, so Remus frantically tried to remember something that would help. Nothing came to mind, so he pulled on the wild magic again, and saw Regulus cough up water, gasping and sputtering as Remus passed out. 

Remus was only minimally aware of things for the next little bit. The anchor hook sensation of apparition, Sirius yelling and crying. Regulus frantically talked as Remus felt both of their familiar magic embrace him. 

He knew that he had missed quite a bit of time and things happening because he woke up in a bed in the hospital wing at Hogwarts, Regulus on one side of the bed, and Sirius holding his hand from the other. Night had fallen and he couldn’t hear anything except the quiet breathing of the two men beside him. He tried to sit up but must have triggered some sort of spell because Poppy came rushing in, gently pushing him back down. She waved her wand and then summoned some more potions. 

“What happened? Why is Regulus here? Anyone could see him?” Remus asked. He had no idea what Poppy knew, but it was obvious that a suspected deceased man who Voldemort had supposedly killed wasn’t something ordinary. 

“Regulus, who do mean?” She asked, giving him a wink. 

Remus was too tired to process anything. He felt so empty, and everything ached like usual two days before the moon, but not only that, it felt like electricity was zipping through his veins. 

“What happened?” Remus asked. 

“Sirius sent me a patronus and Dumbledore got you all here, since you can’t go to Mungos. At first I couldn’t find anything extraordinarily wrong with you. Your normal levels of pain for this time of the month, so I treated Regulus and then started doing more complex diagnostics. It seems that your magical core was dangerously depleted. Does that have something to do with why Dumbledore kept me from my patients after being moderately stable?” 

“What does my magical core have to do with anything? Isn’t it rare for anything to affect it?” 

‘Yes, I have only seen it once, and didn’t know of anything else to check. Professor Slughorn is making these potions and Minerva fetched some other ones for you, but who knows how my wife managed to get her hands on them? I’ve learned it’s best not to question things, sometimes, you know?”

Remus raised an eyebrow but didn’t have the energy to say more. 

“Moony!” Sirius said, sitting bolt upright. Remus was surprised that it took him this long to register their voices, but Remus really had no idea what time it was, possibly even what day it was, or what Sirius had been doing, he was still clearly exhausted. 

“Hey, Sirius.” 

“You scared me. I thought my dead brother was somehow bringing me your body, and I didn’t know what that awful house elf had to do with anything. I almost hexed him, you know. But he just sounded desperate and I realized that you were alive, and then just had to focus on that and get details later. Are you okay? I can’t believe that you’ve been keeping this from me. I deserved to know about my own brother. And that you two were trying to nearly single-handedly win the war? How could Dumbledore put all of this on you? You two almost died. I… Remus, I nearly didn’t survive losing Regulus, or thinking I did anyways, but if I had to lose you too?”

“Shh, I’ve got you, Sirius. I’m here, and I really am sorry. I just didn’t know if you would think that I was lying, or not listen and charge in there because we really needed this quiet and to not fall apart. I think that Dumbledore knew you two have too much history to get over. And I wanted to tell you, I did. But I thought there were moments when you already didn’t trust me. I needed time, I guess. I’m sorry though,” Remus said, voice thick. He’d been looking at a point over Sirius’ shoulder, briefly noticing that Regulus was awake but he seemed to know that this moment shouldn’t be interrupted. Remus had really been trying to stay strong, but he had absolutely no reserves for emotion, and burst out crying. Ugly, wracking sobs. 

Sirius got up on the bed and pulled Remus into his arms. He was rubbing his back and humming. He placed Remus’ head over his heart and Remus focused on that sound, the beautiful noise that meant that Sirius was alive and close, and tried to match the rise and fall of his chest. 

“I understand. I don’t like it, but I get it. We have to talk about this more, but for now, let’s just be together, okay?” 

“Are you sure? Do you know about the Horcruxes, and what we’re doing? Are you and Regulus okay?” Remus asked.

“Yes, we’ve talked. We’ll get there, but we don’t want to kill each other right now so that may be the best that we can ask for. We both want Voldemort to lose and most of all, we both love you. In very different ways, of course, but we do nevertheless. We’re brothers after all and we have two big goals and the same person in common.”

“You weren’t supposed to tell him I said that,” Regulus said, stretching and pretending he just woke up. Remus didn’t know if it was fooling Sirius, but figured it didn’t matter. 

“Tell who what?” Remus said, knowing there was a lot of information being tossed around. 

“That I love you. That moron wasn’t supposed to give you that kind of power,” Regulus said with a smirk. “But he’s right, I definitely don’t love you the same as he does.”

“Oh, I knew you loved me, you big softie. After month three? You couldn’t hate me anymore,” Remus shot back. 

“It’s not my fault you came in looking like that, I may be mean, but I’m not cruel on principle. Besides, you're funny and smart.”
“What is happening here?” Sirius interrupted. “I don’t know if I like it.” He was fake pouting and obviously wanting in on the conversation and the camaraderie. 

“Sorry, I lied, it really is a passionate love affair,” Regulus sniped. 

Sirius scoffed, but luckily didn’t take it to heart. He kissed Remus on the forehead, and Remus could feel him smiling. 

He was so tired, and he could hear them keep bickering but he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore. He fell asleep both relieved that they had made a big step in taking down Voldemort, while also having so much more to go, even though Dumbledore hadn’t told them what was next, Remus knew that it would only get more complicated. 

He was also glad that the brothers were reunited, and it seemed like even if it wouldn’t be easy, maybe one day their relationship would fully heal. He was thankful for the friendship he’d made with Regulus, and hoped that they would keep it up, but saw no reason why not. They really were compatible to being besties, although he would have to share that title with Lily, Remus didn’t think he’d mind. He’d never said so, but Remus thought that Regulus was probably crushing on James and Lily, which all the luck to him, but he could see them all being friends one day. 

He was glad that he wouldn’t have to continue keeping secrets, and could hopefully regain any trust that Sirius lost in him, and work through the pain that Sirius gave him for being cold and suspecting him in the first place. He’d seen the look on Sirius’ face when he said it and had known he’d been right. But Remus could understand how he could consider it, Remus wasn’t blind to how it could look. 

But he thought that with a bit of time and communication that things might be able to be better than ever, especially once they could bring this war to a close. 

He fell asleep with his magic slowly building itself up cell by cell, and thought that it would be nice to watch their lives and the world around them do the same in the near future. 

Chapter Text

“James, he’s not coming out, I have to go in,” Sirius said. He eyed the building before him where the flames were growing way too quickly. Remus had been right behind them, or at least Sirius thought he had been. The battle was intense until there was a huge explosion then fire and smoke was everywhere. Death eaters were apparating but when they tried, they weren’t able to. Which was a new and unpleasant development. There was so little visibility while inside that James had grabbed his arm, and Sirius was beating himself up that he didn’t do the same for Remus. 

“Sirius, how are you going to find him in there? We should wait for backup, they’ll be here any minute, and they know spells that we don’t.” 

“I have something to try, but how can you suggest that I just stand here even if I didn’t? That’s Remus in there. He’s your best friend. Besides, what would you do if it were Lily?”

James looked ready to cry, and Sirius felt bad, he did. But he needed to try. 

“Stay here, like you said, backup will be here any minute, you can help us then” Sirius yelled, running towards the door. He barely made it in before it started collapsing. He cast the brightest Lumos he could, and then put all the force he could into the spell they used to get rid of cigarette smoke. He knew that it was a long shot, but it cleared enough to see better where he was going.
Not really well enough though, because he tripped over Remus’ legs in his frantic search. 

“Moony?” Sirius screamed. But it felt like the noise was just absorbed, the building was so loud, fire crackling and pieces of the building falling. Remus was partially trapped under a beam that looked like it hit his head, knocked him down and ended up pinning him. Sirius coughed so hard he could barely see and cast the spell again. He knelt down and cast diagnostic spells, terrified of what he would find. But he was relieved to see that Remus was breathing, very shallowly, but his heartbeat was strong at the moment. He levitated the beam off carefully, watching for anything that it could possibly shift, but luckily it was fine. He tried the renervate spell with no success so he picked up Remus and ran as fast as he could. His lungs were burning, and even though Remus was lanky, he was still a fully grown man which made things slower. Sirius opened a door, trying to find another exit, and a burst of flames engulfed his arm. Luckily it wasn’t the one who was holding the bulk of Remus’ weight over his shoulder. He cursed and set Remus gently down, drawing his wand again to extinguish the fire, and then levitate Remus, which he wasn’t really sure why he didn’t do to start with. The fire on him was stubborn and not fully going out, but Sirius knew that he needed to find a way out. He had to go more carefully though because he was now watching for both his and Remus’ spatial awareness. He kept opening doors and not finding another way out, was gasping for air, and knew that Remus couldn’t be faring well either, he was making an awful rasping noise that Sirius could hear even over the chaos. 

Tears of frustration and from the heat started rolling down his face, and he panicked whenever he felt someone grab him. He twirled around, standing defensively over Remus’ prone form that he had accidentally let fall whenever his burnt arm was touched. He expected to see a death eater, but could have kissed Moody in that moment, because finally someone was there to help. “Get Remus, he’s unconscious and his breathing isn‘t right.”

“I’ll get him, let’s go,” Moody said. He cast some kind of spell and they had a clear path and were soon outside. Sirius was gulping in fresh air, and trying to not let the pain from his arm set in. He needed to check on Remus and make sure he was okay before he could think about himself. 

Poppy was waiting for them and she started working to help him. James came over and gave a concerned look at Sirius’ arm, but didn’t say anything. Sirius held Remus’ hand, staying out of her way and she didn’t argue, so he took deep breaths and tried to calm down. 

Suddenly, Remus’ chest stopped moving and Poppy started frantically casting spells. “Moody, get over here. You know the breathing spell, correct?” When he nodded she continued. “Keep doing it, set your emergency port key to the hospital wing, and let’s get him there, now.” Moody tapped the portkey and then pointed his wand at Remus. Sirius flinched but knew that he was only trying to help. 

“It’s going off in less than a minute, get prepared. Make sure it keeps in contact with Lupin,” he said. 

“Can I go?” Sirius begged. 

Poppy looked at him and nodded. She sent a patronus to someone asking for backup. “Potter you’ll have to stay here, for safety, you can make your way to meet us though.” 

Sirius was thankful for their engaged status at that moment, it gave some validity in wizarding law to their relationship, and it was probably the only reason that he was being allowed to go, unless she was worried about him getting quick treatment as well. But he didn’t care either way at that moment and grabbed onto the portkey when the other two did, it being spelled to Remus so that he was included. 

They were there in a blink of an eye and she summoned some potions and sent it through a tube since he couldn’t swallow. She started casting more spells, and finally relaxed a bit when he started breathing on his own. “Thank you Alastor, you can stop.” 

At that moment Professor Sprout came in and rushed over to Sirius. She cast a couple of spells and went for some burn potion. He refused to leave the chair beside Remus, so she just worked around him. He hissed when she applied the thick paste to his arm, and she gave him a gentle smile. “I know it hurts, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Thank you,” Sirius said, eyes still on Remus. Poppy stopped after a couple of more minutes and sat at the chair in the corner. “He had some damage to his lungs from the smoke, but it will heal. He’ll need to stay and have potions a few times a day for about a week. I gave him a sleeping potion to help with healing. He had a bit of swelling on the brain, but that has stopped. Rest is still the best thing for him, so I’ll keep him medicated until at least tomorrow evening. You can stay, and we’ll watch your burns as well. I’ll move a bed over for you in a bit, okay?” 

Sirius just nodded. His throat still hurt and he was in shock from the day. He’d come so close to losing Remus, so all he could focus on is the emotional pain. He knew in the back of his mind that his burns weren’t good, but they were being treated, and were better than earlier. 

“Padfoot! Are you okay? How’s Moony? I got here as quickly as I could. I should have come with you and I’m sorry that I tried to stop you.” 

“I know why you did. I just… Had to do something. He almost died, Prongs. I don’t know if I saved him or not, but at least I did something. I got lost and burned, and I dropped him. I left him in there in the first place. He was trapped, he was barely breathing. I promised to take care of him, and I just feel like I’m failing. There are too many things going wrong and that I can’t control, and I just want to keep him safe. But there are so many things that want to hurt us. 

“I know. It’s not your fault. You got him out, okay? He’ll heal. And we’re doing the best we can to keep each other safe. You’re not failing him, believe me. He adores you and we all know that you would do anything for him. Dumbledore keeps saying he has inside information, that he might have a way to take down Voldemort, but he doesn’t want to widely talk about it until he knows for sure.” 

“I know. It’s just…. What if I lose him? Or you? Or Lily, Peter, Marlene, Dorcas, Mary? There are so few of us and so many of them. I just... I’m ready for this to all be over.”

“It will be, and soon, I feel it.” 

What the two couldn’t know is that it really would be, because even at that moment, Dumbledore was consulting with his brother about information he’d overheard and deduced. That Sirius would have Regulus back in his life, and that his friends would be safe because the war would be over before it really kicked into gear. They’d lost a few in the Order already, but it’s nothing like it could have been going if it would’ve gone on past 1980. 

But for then, they just had to hope and do their best. They slept fitfully, Sirius jerking awake a few times as Poppy came in to check on Remus, but she seemed pleased enough every time. When she saw him awake she applied the cream, and he fell back asleep. The next day mostly passed in tense silence. James stayed by their side, and the rest of their friends came in for brief check-ins. 

By the next evening, Poppy decided to stop giving him sleeping potions and see how he did. The swelling had completely gone away in his brain, and he’d kept breathing on his own, vitals stable. About an hour later, he blinked awake, and Sirius couldn’t stop himself from throwing his arms gently around him nor the silent tears. 

“Moony, I’m so sorry.” 

“Shh. You didn’t do anything wrong,” Remus said, voice hoarse but Sirius had never heard a more beautiful sound. 

“I didn’t notice you weren’t right behind me.”

“I’m okay now, it’s alright. I’ve got you.” 

Sirius felt silly for being the one being comforted right now, but he was pretty sure that he was giving Remus comfort too, being so close and playing with his hair. 

“Remus, will you marry me?” 

“I already said yes, Padfoot,” Remus said, a confused smile on his face. 

“No, I mean soon. I don’t want to wait until this is over. Maybe we could go to the coast, just a small service with our closest friends and our parents. We could stay for a short honeymoon, and then do something ridiculously extravagant when this is all over, because we deserve it.”
“I don’t know about ridiculously extravagant, but that would be nice.”

“Which part?” Sirius asked nervously. 

“All of it. Yes, I’ll marry you tomorrow if you want. Today even, but if it’s all the same, wait until I can breathe a bit better.”

“Of course, anything you want Remus. Thank you and I love you,” Sirius said, kissing his cheeks over and over. 

“Congratulations, gentlemen. But definitely not today. Maybe next week? Or after the moon?” Poppy suggested with a huge smile. 

Sirius had forgotten where they were, and that they had an audience of at least James, and that Poppy was probably alerted when Remus woke up. But quite honestly, he didn’t care. 

Remus had agreed to marry him, twice now, and it wouldn’t be too much longer before he could call him his husband. 

Chapter Text

Remus came back to himself and felt an injury that was unique. In the eleven years he’d been a werewolf, he had bitten himself, clawed himself, hurt himself throwing himself into walls, and gotten scratches from branches. But never before had his ass felt like this. 

“What?” he asked groggily. He moved all his fingers and toes, then worked up all of the joints. Everything seemed to have gone back into place and he didn’t have any injuries besides the usual bone deep ache from them breaking and shifting. 

“Well, see. I’m so sorry, Moony,” James said. “I was playing, and I accidentally. Um. Poked you?”

“You poked me? With what? A sword?” Remus grumbled. 

“My prongs, actually,” James stuttered. He looked so guilty and Remus was biting back a laugh, because he saw that his boyfriend was not pleased. 

“You speared him, James. You jabbed your sharp antlers into Remus’ beautiful backside and made him bleed,” Sirius said, gritting his teeth. 

“Wait. Did I try to hurt someone?” Remus asked, every bit of lightheartedness draining from him, an icy terror taking its place. 

“No! You… Uh. Moony was wrestling with Padfoot, and I guess he decided that it was a good idea to challenge Prongs again. Moony is usually a little wary of the antlers, you know. Very large pointies and all, but it didn’t seem to bother him last night…” Peter rushed in to say. 

“Prongs should be afraid of me right now,” Sirius said grumpily. “Remus, can you turn over and let me see what I can do?” 

“Now really isn’t the time Sirius,” Remus couldn’t help but joke. 

Sirius just raised an eyebrow and Remus reluctantly rolled on his side, groaning as he went, his back was not feeling the greatest. Sirius’ hands were cold as he started poking and prodding. “It went in pretty deep.” 

“I’m sorry, but there are sooo many jokes that I could be saying right now. Can I? Pretty please. I’ll even be good after.” Remus said, trying to control his giggles. 

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake,” Sirius muttered. 

“Yeah, Padfoot wasn’t pleased with Prongs anymore than Sirius is with James… Or whatever,” Peter interjected. “Growled and snapped at him, wouldn’t let him get close to even check on Moony. I was a little worried we wouldn’t make it back on time, Moony wasn’t pleased with having to walk. He just seemed to want to cuddle with Padfoot and sleep.” 

“That’s what happens when you get stabbed in the ass.” Sirius’ voice was sharp again, and Remus could feel the tingle of Sirius’ magic wash over him. “Hmm, I can’t get it to stop bleeding,” Sirius commented. “I’ll just bandage it, Poppy should be here soon, but Merlin only knows what she is going to make of this. I mean, how could a werewolf possibly do this to himself?” 

A tense silence filled the room, and Remus tried to focus on the pain for once so he didn’t laugh, because he didn’t want to agitate Sirius, who was upset about this whole situation. “It really is okay Sirius, it's just my butt. It will heal.”

“But it’s my ass, though. No one else should be getting near it.”

“I know Sirius, it’s still yours, really. Prongs promises to not jab it anymore,” Remus tried to soothe him. 

“He better not fucking try to jab it again. In any shape, form, or fashion. Human or animagus.” 

“Unless I’m trying to hurt one of you or someone else,” Remus amended. Sirius did not look pleased about this statement because he knew how much it meant to Remus. That he would rather be injured by any of them than to bite or kill someone else. 

“Yes, Moony. I know. But also. I do promise to not try to spear you with my prongs again except in dire need,” James replied. 

“Ya’ll are really not appreciating the hilarity of this conversation,” Remus said with a snort.
“I see nothing funny.” Sirius said, but even he cracked a small smile. 

“Here she comes, quick,” James said. Sirius turned into Padfoot and went to the bedroom to hide while Peter transformed as well and got under the cloak with James. Luckily at the last minute remembering to vanish the bandages. 

“How are we Mr. Lupin? It’s good to see you awake,” Madam Pomfrey said. 

Remus considered not mentioning the injury and just shrugged. She, of course, did a diagnostic spell, which Remus really didn’t think he was going to get away with anyways, but he tried. 

“What on earth?” she exclaimed whenever Remus rolled on his side. 

“No clue.” Remus again focused on the pain, as well as Binn’s lectures to keep a straight face. 

“Oh, well. No bother, let’s get you up to the hospital wing and I’ll finish healing it.”

She’d started the healing, so it didn’t hurt quite as much as it could have otherwise. Still, between his back and his rear end, Remus wasn’t the fastest. They finally walked in and the other three were already there. She ushered them to sit in the little waiting area while she got Remus comfortable, some potions, breakfast and then for some reason, she only called in Sirius to join them. 

They all usually came in together first thing in the morning since for all anyone was supposed to know, they had no clue what shape Remus might be in after the moon. They usually all came for dinner, and then just Sirius popped in alone sometimes. 

“Boys. I know this may be awkward, but I need to ask a few questions.” 

Sirius and Remus eyed each other and they both shrugged. 

“You see, this kind of injury is… Unusual. So, I was wondering if you two had sexual intercourse.”

“Oh, Merlin. You think this is because of sex? ” Remus said, dissolving into giggles. He knew that it made him look so immature, but after all of the jokes this morning and the hilarity of the situation, he really just lost it. 

Sirius glared at him; he was not having a good morning. Remus would have to make it up to him somehow but this was all priceless. 

“Well, not sex itself, but things that some people… also enjoy,” she tried to say as professionally as possible to a laughing werewolf on the morning after the full moon and his very unhappy boyfriend.

“No, Madam Pomfrey. Well. I mean. Yes, we do. But that’s not what caused this. We’re very safe, and have had the talk no less than three times. Mrs. Lupin, mum– Effie that is, thank Merlin it wasn’t Walburga, and McGonagall all talked to us about it.”
“Lily tried once as well,” Remus said, unhelpfully. 

“James too, but I don’t think that he was serious or actually knows anything about it,” Sirius added. 

Remus wanted to laugh again, but this time it was because of the sheer innocence of that remark. James really needed to tell him, and soon. If he directly asked, Remus wasn’t going to lie to him, but James knew that whenever Remus caught him, Lily and Regulus all messing around in a broom closet. 

“Okay, I just had to be sure. I have no idea how this happened, dear.”

Remus lost it completely then, actual tears rolling down his face, because with that last word, she had no idea how close she was to what actually happened.

“I think Remus needs to sleep now,” Sirius said, voice polite but his eyes told a different story. He had found that last line funny too, but he was still so upset about what happened. Which, Remus understood he was being protective, and the instinct to protect your mate as Padfoot had probably influenced his reaction now too. 

“I am pretty tired,” Remus said, truthfully. His giggles had mostly stopped and he added validity to his words by yawning. 

“Let me check the bandages first,” she said, and when she was finished gave a hum of approval. 

“Can you cuddle with me?” Remus asked Sirius after she left and pulled the curtain. 

“Yeah, I’ve got you, Moony,” Sirius said, climbing into bed and pulling Remus into his arms. “Even if another man did poke you in the ass last night.” 

And Remus knew that everything would be okay, and Sirius was beginning to actually see the absolute absurdity of the situation.

Chapter Text

What's your name again?: Concussion / Temporary Amnesia / “I don't remember what happened to me.”

“Can you hear me?” a voice said, and Remus snapped his eyes back closed. 

“Yeah, that light is bright. My head hurts,” he said. 

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ll turn it off in a moment. You aren’t quite due for more pain meds yet, but I’ll ask the doctor. Does anything else hurt?” 

“My hip is bad,” Remus said, gritting his teeth. 

“We’ll get that check out. You have mild type 1 osteogenesis imperfecta, correct?”

“Yeah, two surgeries on that hip before. One on my knee, one on my wrist, and more fractures than I can count.” 

“You’re very lucky then, are you sure nothing else hurts?” the nurse asked. 

“Yeah, what happened though?” 

“You were in a car accident, and you’ve been unconscious for a few hours. You have a traumatic brain injury.”

“A car accident? Since when do I have a car?” Remus asked. He was in pain and trying to concentrate wasn’t doing him any favors. “Is whoever I was with alright?” 

“You were alone, or that’s what the paramedics said,” the nurse answered. She had moved on to fiddling with the machine that was monitoring his heart. “Your husband is on the way.” 

“My what??” Remus said loudly, laughing. 

“Your emergency contact? Sirius?”

“I don’t know a Sirius, are you sure you have the right person?” 

“You’re Remus Lupin, correct?” she said, brows creased. 

“Yeah, that’s me,” he said, his heart sinking. He was so confused and wasn’t very pleased to wake up in a hospital being told things about himself that he had no idea about. 

“I’ll get the dr. okay? And we’ll see about more pain meds,” she said, giving him a gentle look. 

Remus closed his eyes again, and didn’t know how long he floated. He wasn’t deeply asleep but was still startled whenever he heard someone dragging a chair a bit and felt someone taking his hand. 

He opened his eyes and stared. There was a gorgeous man holding his hand. He had his black hair in a bun, he was wearing a leather jacket, a band tee, and Remus could see bits of tattoos peeking out, and he had beautiful gray eyes that were sadly filled with tears. Remus wanted to hug him and make things better for him, but he also wanted to run. He didn’t know why this man was here and touching him, why he was looking at him like that, and Remus just wanted just one thing to make sense. 

“Hi, how are you sweetheart?” the man said, and Remus blinked and looked around, trying to figure out who he could be talking to. “Remus? Are you okay?” 

“Who are you?” Remus asked, gently pulling his hand from the other man’s. He noticed that the man was wearing a wedding ring that matched the one on his finger, and he panicked a bit. “Why am I here? Why are you here? Why does my head hurt?” 

***

Sirius had never driven faster whenever he got the call from the hospital that Remus had been in a car accident and was unconscious. He knew that it might be stupid, because what if he got in his own? But all he could think about was getting to the hospital. When he came in, Remus was asleep, and hooked up to a couple of machines. Sirius’ heart sank when he woke up. Because Remus didn’t know who he was. 

That was 10 long days ago. Sirius knew that it wasn’t Remus’ fault, but it had been a week and a half, and it was just hard to explain over and over again that he’d been in a car accident, he had a brain injury with amnesia and since they’d been in they had to do a third surgery on Remus’ hip, so that was also another thing to talk through, although that seemed the least shocking. The hardest was his reactions whenever Sirius told him that they were married. One time Remus had laughed at him, another he’d screamed at him to get out, and the nurse only came to get him whenever Remus seemed to reset. A couple of times Remus had cried and clung to him, but he still didn’t know who Sirius was to him. Usually he just said he was a friend, and Remus would accept that he’d forgotten a friend easier than having a stranger saying they were married. 

James, Regulus, and Lily had all come in at different times, one staying with Remus and the other making Sirius eat, or go home to shower and change. Sirius just didn’t want to be away from him, scared that something might change. That he’d take a turn for the worst, or maybe he would come back to himself and be upset that Sirius wasn’t there with him. But Sirius knew that he had to take care of himself, and it was easier when he had one of his favorite people to help him. He didn’t know how long Remus might be like this, or how long they would continue to keep him in the hospital. 

His hip was bad enough that he would probably have to go to a rehabilitation center before he came home, and Sirius really hoped that his memory would be back, because Sirius couldn’t imagine what it would be like to wake up with a stranger in a place that he didn’t recognize. Lyall hadn’t come, even though Sirius had left a couple of voicemails, and a few texts that all showed as read. Remus didn’t remember anyone he’d met since he came to London for school, so he didn’t have anyone after his best friend from Wales had to go back home, she had a couple of kids, and she’d felt bad, but Remus couldn’t remember that she’d been there. 

It was mid-morning and Sirius had just sent a few work emails, he was basically his own boss, so he’d promised his clients that didn’t have a deadline that he would give them a discount and they were all understanding of his situation thankfully. He started thinking about what he might like to have for lunch, even though nothing sounded good. Every thought of food went out the window though whenever he looked over and saw that Remus was awake. 

“What happened?” 

Sirius smiled sadly. “You were in a car accident. How are you feeling?” 

“My hip really hurts, and I have a bit of a headache.” 

“Yeah, you have a tbi, and you had to have surgery,” Sirius told him. 

“Again? Oh well, not too big of a surprise. How long has it been? The incision doesn’t feel fresh. Sirius, I feel really out of it.” 

“It’s been about 10 days. Wait. Did you say my name? Do you know who I am?” 

“Of course I know who you are, I married you, didn’t I?” Remus said, giving him a confused look. 

As gently as possible, Sirius went to sit on his bed, and wrapped his arms loosely around Remus. He couldn’t stop the flood of tears. Remus started to stroke his hair, and he just soaked in the comfort, and tried to ground himself. He knew that he had been trying to be strong, and he should keep being strong, but he wasn’t able to get it together, and just kept sobbing. He had enough presence of mind to keep almost all of his weight off of Remus because he was recovering, but Sirius couldn’t bring himself to move unless Remus seemed like he was in pain. 

“Sirius, love?” Remus asked, voice low and gentle once Sirius’ tears finally started to slow. 

Sirius sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve and said, “I’m sorry, are you alright?” 

“I’m fine, are you? Were you with me? Are you hurt?” Remus asked. 

“No, I wasn’t and I’m not. You just had a bit of memory loss and you didn’t know who I was.”

“Oh, Sirius. That had to be so hard.”
“It’s not your fault, Remus. I’m okay, it was just a shock,” Sirius said. He grabbed Remus’ hand and brought it to his lips and kissed his ring finger gently. 

“Where’s my ring?” Remus asked.

“I have it. Having it on upset you sometimes.” 

“I can’t believe I forgot you. You are the most beautiful thing in my life, and I wish that you didn’t have to go through that.” 

“I’d go through anything to be yours, it’s okay. You remember me now, and I held on to our memories until you could know them again. And I would have loved you no matter if you never remembered me or not. I was plotting ways to make you fall in love with me again, you know?” 

“I’d fall for you anytime, Sirius. Every time, in every universe, I would choose you, and love you.”

“I love you too,” Sirius said, slipping Remus’ ring back onto his finger, and he knew what he said was true. He’d do anything to be able to be with, fall for, and marry this man no matter the circumstances.   

Chapter Text

“Sirius? Have you had dinner yet?” James asked from the door. 

Sirius had been deeply spaced out, staring at the monitors beside Remus’ bed. They were steady right now, but they’d dropped several times, and every time the beeps changed, it caused Sirius’ own heart to race. He’d jumped slightly when he heard James’ voice and shook his head. 

“Alright, let me text Regulus. Him and Lily are coming soon, okay? How about a burger?” 

Sirius nodded distractedly and rubbed his eyes roughly. They were irritated from crying and from lack of sleep. 

“Any change?” James asked, hesitantly. He came across the room and sat in the chair beside the bed. Sirius was perched on the edge and was holding Remus’ hand. 

“He’s in a medically induced coma now, so his body can rest a little more. The infection isn’t really responding right now, so they are consulting with a specialist and trying to decide what’s next. They’re thinking that intubation would be the next best step, but there are no guarantees. It’s such a gray area, James. We’ve talked about this so many times, and it always seemed black and white. That was so naive of me. Truly idiotic. And this just turned bad so quickly. Last night his cough was a little worse but nothing too bad, and then this morning he was burning up with a fever and this morning I couldn’t get him to wake up properly. His lips and fingers were blue,” Sirius looked down and noticed that although they’d pinked up a bit once they put him on oxygen, meds, and then later cpap, they were now tinged again. He’d trailed off talking, but James knew what happened before lunchtime, but Sirius was just trying to talk through it and make sense of everything. 

Remus didn’t want to be intubated if they didn’t think that there was a decent chance that he would come off of the vent. Sirius had never seen him on one except for immediately after surgeries, but Remus had a few really bad flares as a child and has done reading on outcomes and told Sirius what he wanted in situations like these. Sirius just figured it wouldn’t happen yet, or maybe they would be able to talk it through. He didn’t see himself at twenty five facing a decision like this if the doctors came in with the news he dreaded.  

James just hugged him, and once they convinced him to eat, Regulus and Lily joined them and they sat with a show no one was really paying attention to in the background and the sounds of the medical equipment to break the tense silence. They eventually went home once visiting hours were over, and Sirius reluctantly gave in to Poppy who was fussing at him to take the fold out bed and get some sleep. 

The next thing he knew, monitors were blaring, the light was flicked on, and Poppy was back in and fiddling with machines and then grabbed her phone to call the doctor. 

“Poppy, what is it?” Sirius asked once she hung up and was done frantically typing on her tablet. “The doctor suspects sepsis. Sirius, he’ll have to tell you for sure, but you need to decide if you want to intubate him or call it a DNR situation,” she explained, while drawing blood, and pushing more meds through his port. 

“Oh. Oh, God. No,” Sirius threw off the covers and ran to take Remus’ free hand. “Can we just wake him up? Ask him?” Sirius begged.

“Honey, I don’t think so. Even if possible, it’s not advisable. He was only minimally responsive when he came in.” 

Sirius had known it was a long shot, but he just didn’t feel prepared for this. He wanted to respect Remus’ wishes, but when staring down the decision to tell them no to the thing that might save his life? But if he did it, and then Remus was never able to recover or come off? Which would eat at him more? Remus always fought for as much autonomy as possible, and he trusted Sirius, but this didn’t seem to have a clear answer. He punched in a text to the group chat and he had no idea if it made any sense, but he couldn’t bother with anything more. He wanted his family there, and maybe they could help. 

“We’re putting a rush on the labs, okay? I’ll send your family in when they arrive. Tell Smith to take it up with me if she tries to say anything.” 

Sirius carefully laid down beside Remus and let his head just barely rest on Remus’ shoulder. He double checked that he wasn’t interfering with any of the medical equipment and he would move whenever he heard people coming. He didn’t bother to try to stop the tears. 

“Please, Remus. I don’t know what to do. Please just wake up. I can’t do this without you. I can’t make this decision, and I don’t know how I will live with any outcome besides you getting better and coming home with me. I need you so badly. We have so many plans, Remus. Remember the little cabin by the sea? The big dog? Adopting some kids? Spoiling James, Regulus and Lily’s kids. I can’t do these things without you. I love you, Remus. Please, Moony. Don’t make me do this by myself.” Sirius chanted until he was crying so hard that he couldn’t talk anymore. He was hoping for some kind of movie moment where Remus squeezed his hand, or he had some kind of sign, but nothing changed. He only felt the stillness of the middle of the night, punctuated by the noises of the hospital but dulled because most patients were sleeping. Remus’ heart rate was elevated and respirations slowed, but nothing too drastic since Poppy pushed the meds. 

“Sirius?” Dr. McGonagall said. She came in and washed her hands before putting on gloves and coming over to examine Remus. Poppy followed her with a cart that she put in the corner, then came to stand besides Sirius. 

“Yeah?” 

“Remus has developed sepsis, that’s when the infection invades his bloodstream. It’s serious, however we have some options. We can intubate him so that his lungs don’t have to work quite as hard. We can leave him as is and see how he does. We can hit him with a few antibiotics, but we might face some side effects. Any way that we go, there are no guarantees. Remus was sick to begin with and wasn’t in great shape whenever he came in.”

“How much of a chance do we have if we intubate him?” 

“It’s hard to say, but he has a greater chance to live if we do.”

“What does a greater chance look like,” Sirius asked. 

“There are so many factors…” 

“Please? Just a guess?”

“Maybe 60/40 that he lives if we do, 40/60 if not.”

“Will he be able to come off the vent?” 

“It’s hard to say,” she said. 

“If you had to guess?” 

“Sirius, I shouldn’t have even given you the numbers I did. But I really couldn’t say. There could be complications from the infection, the meds, and he already has lung damage.” 

“But, will he wake up? Could he get a trach or something?” 

“I don’t know. If I could tell you, I would. All I can say is the best chance of survival is to put him on the vent. You could choose to do nothing at all, but I do not recommend that.” 

“Of course not, give him the meds,” Sirius snapped. He really didn’t mean to and would apologize later, but he didn’t have any reserves. 

“The pharmacy is bringing them up, dear.” Poppy said, kind and gentle as ever. 

“Do I have to decide now?” Sirius asked. 

But the universe seemed to laugh because suddenly Remus’ alarms went off and he was audibly struggling to breathe. 

Sirius' head was spinning and he couldn’t think past Remus being in distress and the differences in survival outcomes. He didn’t know if he would regret it, but he told her through tears to do it. Poppy led him from the room to a chair at the nurses’ station and went back in. It felt like it took forever, and he just sat there staring at Remus’ door until she came back out to get him. Remus looked so small in the bed and so frail, Sirius was almost afraid to touch him, but Poppy told him it was okay. Sirius took his earlier spot sitting on the edge of the bed, Remus’ hand in his own. His fingers already had some color back and Remus was resting easily now, chest rising and falling easily with the hiss of the machine. 

It was almost dawn when Regulus, James and Lily all arrived and James came straight to him, pulling him into a hug. He knew this wasn’t an easy decision for Sirius and although it wouldn’t be easy for anyone it had other implications for Sirius. Regulus put a hand on his shoulder, and he could see Lily on the other side of the bed, gently fussing with Remus' hair and then whispering something in his ear. 

The next two days were a blur of doctors, nurses, medicines, treatments, therapists, friends and his family. Remus hadn’t been getting worse, but also not any better and they were in a bit of a stalemate. Sirius was questioning if he did the right thing, especially when Remus’ kidney function started to decrease. They gave him medicines for that though and switched out that antibiotic, and that seemed to be the key. They had previously dismissed this particular drug because it had been pretty useless but they wanted to have something that wasn’t hard on the kidneys in that class of drugs, so they tried it. 

By that evening, Remus’ monitors started going off, and Sirius wished that he wasn’t alone, because he didn’t know if he could face seeing Remus die all alone. But Sirius looked at his face, and saw that Remus’ eyes were opened, panicked, and he weakly squeezed Sirius’ hand. 

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re on the vent, you’ve been really sick, but you’re getting better. Try to relax sweetheart, I’m right here,” Sirius said. And although he knew that Remus was scared and still very ill, Siriius had gone from total dread to a huge ray of hope that this would all be okay. 

“Hey, Remus. It’s Poppy. Deep breaths, we’re going to try to get that tube out.”

“Doesn’t he still need it?” Sirius asked, now a little scared again. 

“No, he’s breathing over it. We lightened his sedation earlier hoping that he might,” Poppy assured. She had a syringe and did something to the ventilator tube, instructed Remus to cough and she pulled it out. She hooked him up to an oxygen mask and watched his vitals. 

“Remus?” Sirius asked. He wasn’t sure how aware Remus was, he had followed Poppy’s instructions but now he was blinking heavily and he hadn’t tried to talk or move any more. Remus’ eyes met his and he gave a small smile before falling back asleep. This was normal after anesthesia, and Sirius knew that he wasn’t completely off sedation; it had just been lowered. But it felt like a huge weight off of Sirius’ shoulders. Remus had been awake, he was breathing on his own, and would hopefully fully recover. 

Everyone came and went, meds were given and Remus slept through it all. Sirius wanted to be awake if Remus woke again, but eventually he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore and just hoped that he would hear him. Usually, Sirius slept through Remus' normal coughing fits because they were a constant occurrence but Sirius hoped since he was on high alert and hadn't heard them in a while, it would help wake him. Which is just what happened. The sun was barely beginning to rise when Remus started coughing. He was trying to sit up and was just really weak, so Sirius rushed over to help. He supported pretty much all of his weight, but he was able to breathe better when he was more upright. Sirius pressed the button to move the head of the bed up and helped get Remus situated when the worst was over. 

“Do you need anything?” Sirius asked, offering him a small sip of water. When Remus shook his head, Sirius wasn't too worried because his vitals were stable and the stream of nurses, respiratory therapists, doctors and the rest of his team would surely be here soon. 

“I'm so glad to see you awake, do you feel better?” 

“Still like crap, maybe like the beginning of a normal stay?” Remus’ voice was hoarse and scratchy from the tube. 

“That's good. It was… bad, Remus. I was scared and I was afraid you would be mad at me,” Sirius confessed. He'd meant to wait until much later to have this conversation, but it had just spilled out. 

“Hey, it's ok. I trusted you to make those kinds of decisions when I couldn't, for a reason. I know that it can't have been easy, but you know me best. And I know there are no guarantees in medicine and decisions like this. But what I do know is how much you love me, that you understand me, that you will fight for me, and I wouldn't be mad if you made a decision that didn't turn out optimally. But that didn't happen now, okay? But remember that in the future. You're so strong and I couldn't ask for anyone better to be my husband and to choose what's right for us.”

Sirius wiped a tear from his face and gave Remus the best smile he could. He felt like a weight was off of his chest. Not only because Remus was awake but because he seemed to know the exact words that Sirius needed to hear. “I'm so glad you're awake, I was feeling so lost and I don't know what I would've done without you.” 

“Do you want to hear something crazy, that's probably cheesy and some kind of medicine induced fantasy?” 

“Absolutely, sounds like the best kind of thing to hear,” Sirius leaned over and kissed Remus’ cheek and when Remus weakly patted the bed beside him, Siriues scooted over carefully to get as close as he could. 

“I had these flashes. It was us, but different versions of ourselves. Some of them didn't really physically look as much like how we do now, but I would recognize you in another lifetime entirely, in different bodies, in all of these different times. We found each other and loved each other in every single one. I saw flashes of wars, of magic, of gigantic dogs, of children, and versions of our families. Sometimes we were raising Harry for some reason, a little boy with blue hair was there a lot too. 

We got divorced and got back together in some, I was deaf in others, disabled or sick in every single one, there was one where you were in this death arena and I was a servant and yet we still fell in love. I lived in this tower with magical hair in another. There were zombies, you as a vampire with me trying to kill you for some reason, we were hockey players in a few, in bands, and I was even a priest, Sirius, can you imagine? We were in a jail cell with an orca for some reason, I could swear we were octopus and angelfish in one flash, but that really did have to be some good pain meds. We lived in a huge castle in a lot of them and had a lot of laughter and love. Those all turned out in so many different ways. 

Some were happier than others, but we always had this deep love, this feeling of inevitability. It was a comfort because I think that a part of me knew that I might die. But, Sirius? I’m glad I didn't. I am glad that I have a chance to keep living this lifetime with you. This you. This me. This version of us. Because I love you so much, and I would choose you in all of these past and future lives, but right now? I'm happy to be with you. I want to be with you until we're old and gray and die in each other's arms.” 

“I love you, and I choose you too. I'm glad that we get to be together longer in this life. I'll love you until your last breath and beyond.”

Chapter Text

“You filthy half-breed!” Bellatrix yelled, and backhanded him. He’d been a little bit of an idiot and spit blood at her, but she’d been pissing him off. 

Remus smirked a little even though he just wanted to curl up and try to escape into his mind from the pain. The full moon was two nights ago, and he’d been brought directly to wherever this hellhole was. It was dark, cold and damp. Different members of the death eaters had been sent down, although Bellatrix was the only one unmasked. He was fairly certain that he’d recognized a few voices, but he couldn’t be sure because there had been constant waves of both physical and magical pain. 

“Where are the Potters?” she said, twirling her wand. 

“I told you and the other five of your little friends that I don’t know. Even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.” 

“Hmm. So, they don’t trust you? If your supposed best friends didn’t tell you where they were,” she said, cackling. 

And yeah, that hurt. But he kept his face carefully blank. He didn't know for certain, but he’d felt like his friends were giving him sideways glances, and like they were trying to look through him, detect any lies or betrayal. He was back and forth on whether he was being paranoid, or if it was a valid concern that they didn’t trust him. 

He felt her dark fiery magic probing at his mind shields, but he knew that she wouldn’t break through. He’d trained in occlumency with multiple people over the years, first to keep his own secret, and then to keep his status as an undercover werewolf under wraps. He pictured kissing Sirius and then laughing with his friends in the Gryffindor common room and let that be all she could see. She was strong and he could feel her digging in and trying to get deeper, so he thought of the pain of the transformations and how the others had tried to crucio the information out of him. She flinched and withdrew her magic. 

“Where’s my cousin?” 

“You have so many, how can I ever keep track?” he said. And he knew, he knew, that he shouldn’t rile her up, but otherwise he thought that he might just start crying and he didn’t want to give them any edge if he could help it. 

“Sirius, you idiot. You know who I meant.” 

Remus just looked at her, and didn’t say anything. He didn’t really know that either, but he had a few guesses at least. Finally he shrugged. “I don’t know. Like you said, no one trusts me. Because no matter what, it always comes back to the fact that I am a dark creature, and there is no telling what I am capable of. Something that it would do you well to remember,” he told her. 

She recoiled for a brief instant but then seemed to get even angrier. She pointed her wand, snarled and coldly said “crucio.”

The other times he’d been tortured it had hurt badly, but it wasn’t quite like transformation pains. But Bellatrix was strong, she had conviction, and she’d been brought up in the house of Black. So the pain that he was feeling now was akin to when his body ripped itself apart and molded itself into something different. It was different, sure, because it affected his body in varied ways, but it was nearly the same level of agony. He could see why people could lose their minds from this. Just how some werewolves just couldn’t face having to go through another full moon and took it into their own hands. 

He didn’t know how long it lasted, but she finally released him and he slumped to the floor. “Where are the Potters?” 

“I don’t know,” Remus said, failing to keep the tears from falling. 

“Where is Sirius?” 

“Probably with the Aurors,” Remus said. He knew that it was fairly widely known what Sirius’ occupation was, and if the death eaters didn’t already know that, then they were much less powerful than they seemed. But he really thought that there was no way they didn’t, because it had become apparent that there was a traitor in the order. 

“Doing what?”

“I don’t know.”

“What can you tell me about the Order of the Phoenix?”
“Nothing, I just get orders from Dumbledore to go to the packs,” Remus said, gritting his teeth at the aftershocks from the curse. There was no point in keeping that a secret either, the death eaters had found him with a werewolf pack. This particular one wasn't aligned with Greyback, so they’d all been taken in, but one of the death eaters had recognized him as friends with the marauders in school, and he’d been separated from the others. He tried not to let himself think about what was happening to the others, because he highly doubted a rescue was coming for him, much less for werewolves that hadn’t agreed to ally with the Order. And he hated it, so badly, but he was tired, and as the war dragged on, he lost more hope by the day. First of convincing any of the werewolves to join them, at best he got one promise of neutrality, at worst, until now, he’d gotten death threats if they saw him again. He was no longer trying for diplomacy now though, he had been disguised, (which was easily broken by the death eaters,) and he’d been trying to get any information he could. 

Not only was he losing hope with that, but even the fact that they could win the war. And if they did, at what cost? So many people were dying and he knew that ultimately he wasn’t doing what Dumbledore had hoped that he could do, so he was essentially a pawn. Easily sacrificed by some risky mission or a calculated loss. He still felt a great sense of debt to Dumbledore and would do anything asked of him, but he no longer had on rose colored glasses. He could acknowledge the darker side of everything, which he also didn’t think did him any favors with his friends, besides Peter, who at least seemed to quietly agree. 

He was honestly losing hope that he would last the rest of the day. Even if he cracked, he had very little to offer in terms of information, but if he had a conscious choice, even with the information that they most likely knew and wouldn’t compromise anything, he still wouldn’t give willingly. And he figured that if Bellatrix didn’t already know it, she would soon, and would have no use for him. 

He got at least a moment of reprieve though because Bellatrix suddenly hissed, and glanced briefly down at her arm. Remus figured that it must be a summons from Voldemort, because she turned and left without another word. 

It was quiet for a while, so he let himself fall asleep, curled in on himself trying to keep warm. 

“Remus!” he heard a voice say. He knew that voice. 

“Peter? Thank Merlin. Let’s get out of here quickly. Who are you with?” 

“Where's Sirius?” Peter asked, not answering him, nor making any move to try to get him out. 

“On a mission, he doesn’t tell me anything anymore.” 

“I thought you were lovers, Remus. What happened to that? What happened to one more thing that put me on the outside of our supposed band of brothers?” Peter said, an ugly look twisting his face. 

“I don’t know,” Remus said, confused. He knew that Peter felt left out sometimes, but so did Remus. The Sirius and James show was sometimes something isolating. He hadn’t really thought through the fact that two of them being in a relationship would make Peter feel more out of place. “Can’t we talk about this later? Get me out before they come back.” 

“You won’t remember this later, Remus. I just wanted to see you down here, like this. You were mostly nice to me, so I thought that I would give you a chance. Come and join us, we’re making space for werewolves, the Dark Lord says that when he wins, it will be different for them. You know that you can’t say the same if the Order wins. You can make up for it all, and come with me. We’re going to win, it’s the only way we’ll live.” 

“What do you mean? We… Wait. Is it you? Peter, how could you?” Remus said, stuttering as he tried to put together this new information. 

“So? Will you?” 

“Never. I can’t believe that you would either,” Remus said, in shock and hoping this was some kind of nightmare. 

“Huh. Oh well, you better hope that they kill you quickly down here then, for your sake. Because I won’t kill you, I will let you live, I think that will be the worst punishment. To be the last one standing. Hope you have a miserable life, Remus.” 

Peter pointed his wand and Remus will never remember anything after Bellatrix left because the spell that he used was “Obliviate.” 

**

“James? Is that him?” Sirius said, panicked. He ran even faster and sure enough, Remus lay naked, black and blue and cut up practically from head to toe. He was shivering, and Sirius hastily cast a warming charm and summoned a blanket and some clothes. He started casting healing spells and slowly, ever so slowly Remus started to look human again. He was unhealthy looking though, he was way too thin, his hair was longer than Sirius had ever seen it, and he had a beard and mustache. Sirius noticed for the first time that Remus’ hair had started to gray a bit, but now was no time to think about what that could mean. 

“Something’s still wrong, we need to get him help,” Sirius said. Remus was warmed up but he was still shaking. Like waves of tremors up and down his body.

He cradled him and wondered just what had been done to him, why he was constantly alone on missions, and who had left him in the middle of nowhere. They’d been tipped off about his location, and Sirius didn’t know if that was a bad sign or not. Maybe Dumbledore had his own spy in Voldemort’s ranks. Or maybe this was some kind of tactic for Remus to take attention off of himself. Because his name was being whispered a lot at the meetings, that he was the traitor. And Sirius didn’t know what to think. He didn’t want to believe that Remus would do that to him, but who knew what kind of strain, pressure, torture, or maybe simply a sense of belonging and promises of a better future was being held over him. Or maybe Sirius and other order members were wrong. Sirius hoped so much that he was wrong. 

But Sirius couldn’t let himself think of that anymore. Remus had looked minutes from death, and Sirius couldn’t help thinking that he would rather have him alive and a traitor and still be able to love him than for him to die. He felt horrible because if that was true, then Remus could be responsible for their friends and brothers and sisters in arms to be killed, but Sirius just couldn’t work through it all. 

He pulled Remus closer to his chest, took a deep breath and apparated them to headquarters. Poppy, Susan Bones, Alice and Lily were all there. They were the most experienced in medicine, and he could only hope that they could do something. Because Sirius knew that despite his healing spells which only fixed the superficial damage, that there was something else wrong. 

Later, Sirius tried to process words like cursed, tortured, organ damage and then the one that made his heart sink was ‘crucio.’ He’d experienced seconds of it at a time from Walburga on a dozen occasions at least. She wanted him to be punished, but she also had enough sense to know that it could mess with the mind. Just like she never hurt him in visible places where it would leave a mark. She was cruel, and a little crazy herself, but she did care very much about image. And the house of Black had to have a perfect heir.

“Will he recover? From any of it?” Sirius asked. 

“It’s hard to tell. I think that we fixed the organ damage, but we’ll need to figure more out about this curse. There’s no way to know what his mind will be like from the rest until he wakes up. We’ll keep checking on him and working to figure it out.” 

Sirius spent all of his free time over the next week sitting in one of the tiny rooms at the O rder headquarters with Remus. He hadn’t woken up, but luckily his organs seemed to be functioning again and he wasn’t shaking anymore. Sirius talked to him and read to him, and apologized for all of the fights. When he woke up, Sirius vowed to talk to him, to put aside Dumbledore’s stupid orders and tell his lover what he’d been doing. James and Lily and the other married couples in the order weren’t made to keep their missions quiet, and Sirius was sick of it. Just because he couldn’t marry Remus didn’t mean that they loved each other any less. And Sirius was going to take a leap of faith that Remus wasn’t the traitor. He would figure out a way to protect James, Lily and Harry if Remus was, but Sirius had been doing a lot of soul searching and things just weren’t adding up. Remus had always been loyal, forgave his friends, and put them above anyone else. So, Remus had to wake up, he had to be okay, they had to have a chance to work this out. The war was bad, and everything was tense and they kept losing hope, but Sirius could try to make this one thing right. 

Poppy came bursting in around nightfall, and exclaimed that she thought they had figured it out. It was a curse specific to lycanthropes and Lily had come across a book several times that she kept dismissing but it kept being in different places, and she found it. Just an hour later, Remus had color back in his skin, and he was still so thin it looked like he could be blown away with a strong wind, he was breathing easier, and just looked healthier. Thirty minutes after that, he woke up. He started babbling about the packs being divided, and Greyback and a dungeon, and something that he couldn’t remember but that something felt so very wrong about the traitor. They all exchanged worried looks, but when they could get him to calm down, he was otherwise able to answer questions about who he was, who his friends were, other things about the war and their time at Hogwarts. Everything from the last month just seemed to be a blur for him, and it was causing him panic and stress. 

“Hey, Remus, look at me,” Sirius said, gently cupping his cheeks and speaking softly. “I know you are scared, and I can’t imagine what you have been through, but let’s give it some time, and it might start to make sense or come back to you. But just breathe for now, try to stay with me, don’t hide in your beautiful mind. Let’s just think about good things, okay? Can you tell me what you want to do after we win the war?” 

“Do you think we can win?” Remus said, ducking his head, and Sirius caught the couple of tears that fell from his lashes. 

“I think so. We have Dumbledore, Moody and McGonagall. We have a bunch of smart, dedicated and stubborn order members. So we just have to find a weakness, and get the upper hand. You’ll see.” 

“Something feels wrong…” Remus said, getting that distant look in his eyes. “I just need to… I know something... I know I do. But I can’t remember. It feels wrong Sirius. We need to be careful. But I don’t know of what,” Remus rambled on and Sirius’ heart hurt for him. 

“Shh, Moony. We’ll figure it out. Can you tell me something you want after the war?” 

“Um. I can’t think, what do you want?” Remus said. 

“I want to marry you,” Sirius admitted. 

Remus’ head snapped up and he stared at Sirius, seeming to weigh something, judging if he was being honest. And Sirius could understand. Things hadn’t been the best between them. They hadn’t broken up but there were fights punctuated by cold silence. Sirius had hated it but didn’t know how to bridge the gap. Couldn’t stop himself from throwing around cruel words, and being hurt when Remus fought back. They never hit each other, and never cursed each other, but words were blows dealt, anyways.

“I want to work on us, and I want to marry you,” Sirius reassured him. 

“Can we get a house by the seaside? A few dogs maybe? Babysit Harry and encourage James and Lily to have a whole quidditch team of kids to godparent and spoil?” 

“Of course. Anything you want, Moony. Anything you want that is in my power, it’s yours. Would you maybe want to have a kid of our own?” 

“I don’t know how that would work but I would be willing to talk about it, once we’re settled,” Remus answered carefully. 

Sirius knew that Remus loved children, and was good with them. Remus just didn’t trust himself, he was worried about hurting them–whether his hypothetical future children, or anyone like Harry that he was around. Remus also worried about the stigma of having a werewolf as a father, or that his lycanthropy could be an issue. He was worried about not knowing how to be a good parent, and Sirius could understand that. But he also knew that they had bad examples for sure, but they also had good ones. Hope, and Monty and Effie. But Remus was right, it was a long way away, and if Remus decided he didn’t want to, that was fine and they would just be the godparents or the cool uncles for all of the order’s children. 

They could be happy without having children, they would have each other, and they could explore everything life had to offer. 

“Yeah. We could find a way for you to be a teacher, and maybe I can be a mechanic, or work on my art. We can take trips to places we’ve always wanted to see, and go to concerts. We can experience so much, and you can read so many books.” 

“How are we going to get through this though?” Remus said, eyes losing focus a bit. “If I could just remember…

“We’ll get through it together. All of us, okay? We’re strong. What else Remus? What else are we fighting for? 

“Can we watch Harry play quidditch? Maybe give him his first broomstick?”
“Absolutely, what if we do that for his first birthday? James and Lily are at 1001 Phoenix Lane in Godric’s Hollow. We’re going to go to his party together, alright? We’ll pick out his first toddler broomstick and we can fight James on who gets to buy his first one when he makes the team.”

“That sounds nice. Yeah, we’re fighting for Harry, for Neville and Luna, and the Weasleys and all of these children. I want them to grow up and not have to worry about discrimination,” Remus said. 

“Yes, now you’ve got it. That’s what I’ve been saying. We’re fighting for love, and most of the death eaters just don’t understand that. It’s going to make a difference.” 

“I like the sound of that. Because I do–love our friends and our family. And I’m in love with you, Sirius.”

“I’m in love with you too, Remus.” Sirius said truthfully. And he knew that it wouldn’t be easy. Neither to win this war, nor to build back the trust between them, but it was all important and he wanted it so much. 

“Can we plant a garden?” Remus said, resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder.

**

Not even a year later, Remus and Sirius were doing just that. They’d planted the vegetable garden the week before right after they moved in, and now Harry was “helping” them plant flowers. They lived about a fifteen minute walk to the seaside, and they went nearly every day. It was a nice bit of exercise and Remus loved to watch the sunset over the ocean. It took him a while because he’d been injured in a nasty duel, and he would never walk normally again, but it was something else that he was learning to take in stride. 

Sirius had been right, neither the war nor rebuilding their relationship had been easy but as he looked over at his husband laughing with Harry, ring softly glinting in the sunlight, he knew it was all worth it. 

Chapter Text

Remus was doing his homework when Snuffles started repeatedly nudging his hand. Remus acknowledged him, and banged on the table, trying to get Sirius’ attention. Snuffles nudged his legs until he laid on the floor. Snuffles brought him a pillow, moved a shoe he deemed was too close, and got into position, watching Remus closely. Snuffles was trained to alert the same way if he tried to get up, or if he wasn’t lying down like Snuffles wanted, or to get outside help if someone was near. 

He hit the floor, not knowing how loudly he had been on the table, and selfishly wished Sirius would come. As if he had been summoned Sirius came in and looked around. Snuffles whined and he saw Remus on the floor. 

Is it over, or coming? Sirius asked. 

Coming. No a-u-r-a yet. I’m sorry. 

Don’t apologize. Sirius moved a little closer and stroked his cheek. 

Distract me? Remus asked. 

Sirius started telling him the best he could about a show he’d been watching with James, but Remus could only really pay attention to the way that his hands moved, and the expressions on Sirius’ face as he told the story. He really was so beautiful inside and out, and Remus was lucky to share his life with him. Remus knew he wasn’t the easiest person to date for so many reasons, but Sirius took them all in stride. 

The detached feeling took over, and his body simultaneously felt heavy and like he was floating. He vaguely registered Sirius moving back a bit and Snuffles getting into “during” a seizure mode. 

Then Remus didn’t really register anything until he came back into his body. He groggily took inventory, no blood in his mouth, he felt dry, and nothing hurt , he was just achy and sore. He squinted to judge the look on Sirius’ face, and while he always looked worried, it wasn’t a level like a month ago at James’ where he was close to calling for an ambulance. 

Almost 1 minute. Sirius signed, exaggerated thankfully. 

Remus never had the best focus, but it was worse after a seizure, and sometimes his vision was kind of hazy at first. He pushed himself up to sit, both Sirius and Snuffles helping and watching him closely. He really did appreciate how much they loved him, but sometimes it was overwhelming right after. He didn’t always feel like he deserved it, and even though it had been a mild seizure in the grand scale of ones he’d had, or even ones that Sirius had witnessed, it just felt so heavy. He felt like a burden and that Sirius shouldn’t have to deal with this all of the time. It would be neverending with Remus. There were times when everything was under control as far as the seizures went, but there would always be breakthrough ones, and when his meds stopped working right, it could be worse. Then there were the absence seizures which were easier to deal with, but still impacted things more frequently. On top of that, his hearing was a whole different issue. Remus often wondered if he was being selfish for not talking whenever he could and it would probably be easier for Sirius. Although he knew that it wasn’t his fault that he couldn’t read lips, he wondered if he should go back to speech therapy and try harder, maybe. But deep down, he knew that it really wouldn’t help, and he didn’t know if that made him feel better or worse, he supposed it just depended on the day. He didn’t know if Sirius ever missed being able to talk and not having to sign or text or write. He never complained, even though Remus knew that his wrists hurt sometimes, and tried to massage them often for him. Then there was his sexuality, but he really wasn’t going to allow himself to go there because those thoughts would spiral and he was already feeling like he was going to break. 

Sirius wrapped his arms around him and was playing with his hair. Remus figured that he’d missed Sirius trying to sign to him, checking in, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do anything but sink into Sirius’ arms. They were strong and comforting. Familiar. He nuzzled into Sirius’ neck and breathed in the combination of his deodorant, his curl creme and the faint hint of the peppermint he liked, probably from class. Something about it just tipped him over the edge and he started sobbing. He hated not feeling in control after seizures. It seems like it's bad enough he has no control of anything during, and then afterwards he should get his body back. But unfortunately, life isn’t kind. He had more control than “during.” But, it wasn’t fair. 

The more he tried to calm down and breathe, and couldn’t collect himself, the less he was able to. He didn’t know how much Sirius could feel or see it but he signed sorry over and over again. Then felt the need to make sure Sirius knew, so he took one of Sirius’ hands from his hair and put it over his, and repeated the motion. He hated that he couldn’t stop crying. 

sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 

Sirius didn’t let him do it for long, and just held his hand firmly, and Remus could feel him shake his head, probably trying to convey Remus didn’t need to apologize, and even though Remus didn’t agree, he also had no energy to fight. All of his energy had gone into the seizure, and was still being drained because of him crying. 

It felt like forever, he knew he had finally let himself go into a sort of disassociation, and probably kept crying through most of it, but he was only minimally aware. He knew that Snuffles was pressed into his side, and he was now on Sirius’ lap. He’d felt the gentle, soothing touches on his hair, his back, his arms, anywhere that Sirius could reach and he knew wouldn’t make Remus uncomfortable. He was now humming, and Remus loved when he did that. The vibrations were nice, and it was one of the closest times he felt to being hearing again. And while most of the time, he was fine being Deaf, there were things that were just easier, or that he missed. Music was one of them. 

He took a deep breath, and it felt like he was finally himself again, mostly in control. He pulled back a bit and wiped his face on his sleeve, resolving to go change soon. He’d probably just ask Sirius to shower with him, because Remus had been an absolute mess and Sirius’ shirt was wet too. He felt another flash of embarrassment but just chalked this afternoon up to one of those days, and vowed to make the evening better. 

Hey, are you doing better? Do you need anything? Sirius signed. 

Yeah, I’m better. And I just need you. 

I’m yours, sweetheart. 

Remus leaned back into Sirius and gave him a kiss on the cheek. 

Thank you for always taking care of me, Remus said when he sat back up. Snuffles sniffed him, seemed pleased and then readjusted at his side. 

Of course. You take care of me when I need it too. 

Feels different, Remus replied with a shrug. He managed a weak smile and scratched Snuffles absentmindedly behind his ears for a minute, trying to figure out what else, if anything, to say. I love you, is what he settled on and watched as Sirius’ face lit up. 

Remus marveled in the power sometimes he had, just to make Sirius happy with simple things, and he loved to do it. Anything to make Sirius feel good about himself, and to feel appreciated. Because he very much was. Not just because of things like today, even though that played a part in it. But it was so much more than that. Remus loved who Sirius was as a person. His loyalty, his passion, his fierceness, the way that he gave so much of himself to those he let in. 

And Remus felt so thankful that he was one of the chosen few. 

I love you too, Sirius responded when Remus finally looked back up. 

Wanna shower? Remus asked. 

Yes please. 

Sirius offered him a hand up and Remus leaned into him even though he was feeling steady now. He loved the contact, the closeness, the way it grounded him. Solid proof that he was awake, he was in control of his body, that he had someone he loved and trusted beside him. And he knew that it would be okay. That whatever life threw at them, physical or mental health, they would be able to get through it together. 

Chapter Text

“Sirius, I really don’t like the look of this tunnel. Let’s just go back,” Remus said, looking around. He was feeling a little closed in, it was smaller than the passageway to the shack and to honeydukes cellar, and the ground felt too wet for his liking. 

“It’ll be fine, okay? I want to get this on the map, and I think that we’re almost done. Now let me count, and we can get out of here.” 

Remus sighed and wished that he would’ve talked Pete into coming. Remus wasn’t feeling the greatest whenever they left, but he hadn’t said anything beyond a feeble protest when Sirius asked. Really, any chance that he had to spend alone with Sirius was a plus. They always seemed to be surrounded by people these days, and he just wanted to be able to kiss his boyfriend without having to be interrupted approximately six times. Maybe if they could just get this over with then they could stop by one of the old classrooms where there was a couch. Because as much as he would like to make out with Sirius, Remus was also tired, and feeling worse as the evening stretched on. 

Sirius turned around and assessed him, probably noticing that he’d slowed down some, his leg dragging a tiny bit, and Remus could only guess that he looked pale, he was definitely feeling a little shaky and sweaty. 

“I’m sorry, I don’t feel g…” Remus tried to say before black spots took over his vision and he felt the world tilt. 

**

Sirius had chosen the best time to turn around and look because a few seconds after he did, Remus’ eyes were rolling back in his head and he passed out. Sirius was able to slow his fall, but not stop it completely and Sirius, in an effort to not press all his body weight onto him, redirected himself to the side, and hit the wall. There was a rumble and dirt started falling. Sirius launched himself towards Remus to cover his head in case anything large started falling. But they got relatively lucky, only really dusty, but he could see a large pile of rocks and dirt from the way they came in. 

He ignored it for now, because everything seemed stable and turned his attention to Remus. His eyes were fluttering open but they were extremely unfocused. “Wha…?” he asked, looking around and wiping at his face. 

“You passed out. Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t well? Is it pain? Or do you need to eat?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I hurt, but I think its just general moonsickness. But I meant the tunnel and why we’re covered in dirt.”

“I fell a bit and hit the wall and I think that some of it caved in,” Sirius said, sheepishly. Feeling badly that he hadn’t noticed Remus was poorly and brought him along, or hadn't listened to the fact that Remus didn’t like the look of the tunnel. “Are you ready to try to get up?” 

“I think so.” 

Sirius gave him a hand, but took most of his weight when he yelped. 

“Sorry, sorry. My hip,” he said, teeth gritted. 

“Is it out of place?” Sirius asked nervously. Madam Pompfrey had shown him how to guide it back in, but Remus usually cried, and Sirius didn’t want to hurt him, even if he knew it was to help. He’d been studying healing ever since she would take him on, which was much later than he would have liked, because he wanted to be able to help Remus. They’d stalled on the animagus process, but Sirius wanted to be able to help him when he was in the dorms and something was wrong that Remus didn’t think was big enough to go to the hospital for. This was one of the first things that she’d been showing him. 

Remus had a lot of joint and muscle damage that never quite healed, and sometimes they popped out of place if he tripped or fell, which he did a lot, or sometimes simply because he moved wrong. Remus could get a bunch of the joints back in by himself, but his hip was the one that hurt the most and was the hardest to do. And sometimes it would be easier to get it back in instead of him being in pain until she could help. 

“Yeah. I can try to…” Remus trailed off, briefly closing his eyes and getting his hands in position. 

“No, I’ve got it, just try to rest,” Sirius said. He positioned him and manipulated it until it made the audible click and Remus let out a shaky breath of relief. 

“Okay, let’s get out of here, I want to sleep,” Remus said, weakly. He hadn’t cried, and Sirius thought that it was probably for Sirius’ benefit, but Sirius had been able to get it back in, and it hadn’t taken too long, so he would take a win however he could. He was going to get Remus to Madam Pompfrey to check it but he had to get them out first. “Only way out is through I suppose.”

He and Remus slowly moved the dirt and rocks, not wanting to shift anything that might cause further collapse. It was slow going and Remus still looked rough, but not as bad as when he passed out. Sirius vowed to give him a massage and a bath when they got back to the dorm room as long as Remus wanted one. He was sometimes shy of his body because of the scars and since he was trans, but he generally didn’t mind when it was just Sirius. It wasn’t a sexual thing, even though Sirius wouldn’t mind it, he would never, ever push for it, or take advantage when he was doing something that was meant to help Remus. He’d slowly grown more confident and open with Sirius, and he couldn’t believe the amount of trust and vulnerability that Remus gifted him. Sirius thought that every part of him was beautiful and had hexed people who told Remus otherwise. He wasn’t fussed about what parts Remus had, even though he knew that it mattered to Remus. Sirius just loved him for who he was, the person that he was, the kind of friend and boyfriend. He was loyal and funny, clever, and hardworking. He had a mischievous streak that he only really showed with the marauders, and he was so passionate about the things he loved. Sirius loved it whenever he got excited and his hands would flap and he didn’t stop because it was just Sirius there even though he always stopped himself around others. He would even sit on his hands sometimes so that he didn’t and it hurt Sirius’ heart especially when Sirius asked him why he suppressed it and Remus had answered that there was enough that was different about him. 

He could listen to Remus talk about anything, and just bask in his presence and the fact that Remus gave him attention. Remus made him feel so loved, always made time for Sirius, would put aside anything to try to make Sirius smile or to listen when he was upset. He constantly held Sirius’ hand or leaned into him because he knew how much Sirius liked physical touch and that it grounded him. He knew Sirius’ favorite bands and what songs he liked for whichever mood he was in. He complimented Sirius all of the time, and not just on appearance, but for how he was so thoughtful and going above and beyond for him. 

Sirius didn’t know how he got so lucky, and he couldn’t wait to get them out of there and take care of his boyfriend. Maybe they could just cuddle and read after the hospital and the bath, and that sounded like a perfect evening, especially if everything else soothed Remus’ pain and helped him feel better.  

Sirius thought ahead to countless nights like that, curled up together, helping each other through anything and everything. Of them crying and  laughing together and having fun, making each day and phase of their life an adventure that’s all the better for having the other by their side. 

He thought of a house, a dog, a ring, a wedding, a garden, parties with all their friends, full moon nights in a warded forest somewhere. He thought about spending his time studying healing and searching for anything else that can make Remus’ lycanthropy easier. A potion, a spell, a cure would be ideal, but Sirius would keep looking for that and for ways to make Remus’ life better and happier until the day that he died. 

Sirius dreams sometimes about a time, decades from now, then curled up in front of the fire with a long and happy life full of love, family, laughter, travels, fulfilling work, and so many stories to tell behind them. Of not exactly being ready to leave this life behind but having a peace about it. And it gave Sirius something to work for. To do whatever he needed to do in order to have that life. To make those memories; things to cherish and hold onto until they meet again in their next life. 

But he’s in no rush, maybe he’s had lifetimes and universes with Remus before, and he’s sure that he will again, but right now, he was so in love, they were young, and he wanted to be nothing other than who they were. 

They finally reached the end of the tunnel, and Sirius gently helped Remus back onto steady ground. He gave him a gentle smile, a kiss on the cheek and told him: “I love you, Moony. I’ve got you. Now and for the rest of forever.”