Archive of Our Own ^beta

See me.

Please.

See me.

He begged. He always begged. It was never enough. He always looked beyond him, his eyes on the girl with the short cut hair just like his. And the two of them were so similar but different. Oh so different.

When he smiled a “beauty” mark crinkled on his cheek and his silver eyes became hidden behind joy. He was taller, noticeably taller, but he couldn't help that. Nor the fact that he was a he. And while the one he was looking at did date other “hes,” he was never him. Never.

And that hurt.

Like a physical stab to the chest, it hurt.

Why did emotions hurt so physically?

He wished he knew. Then he'd know how to deal with the phantom pains in his chest. The days where he feels to leave it all where it stands and never return to the thing he called normalcy. He'd know that even though he was self aware, it wasn't enough to get over what he was feeling. Even though he truly wished it would stop. Both the emotions that tormented him and the situation that got him here in the first place.

“Hey Suga, I like your hair. It's surprisingly like Michimiya y'know, the way it frames your face and stuff.” Why? Why would he say that to him?

“O-Oh, is that so? I had no idea…” he sighed, tucking a hair out of his face. It was as he did this, he hid a flash of pain in face. He knew. Of course he knew. Why wouldn't he know? He's known since first year, and he's cursed himself for it ever since.

Daichi would never say a thing to hurt him, not even a compliment. If he knew that Sugawara's heart broke a little hearing the words he said, he'd take them back and would swear to never say another thing like it. That was just the kind of person he was, no matter how ridiculous it sounded. It was part of the reason why Suga love him so much. 

He was always so him. If that made sense, Sugawara doubted it did… but when he thought about it, it was the only thing he could think of. He didn’t understand how most people could pick one specific thing about a person and say that's what made them love. Could he even pick one thing about him? Not without going on forever about why his other reasons were just as important.

If he said one thing about his eyes, he'd have to mention his smile, and if he mentioned his smile he'd have to say something about his nose. The way his eyebrows wrinkled when focusing or his voice starts to get high pitched when he's nervous. Or how he's never able to wrap his hands up right even though he's the captain of their team, and how his words of motivation can hold him together on even his worst days. There was also how smart he was but incredibly silly. How plain his jokes could be sometimes and how cute he sounded when he gave in to the first year's calling him dad and pestered him like they were his kids.

He was flexible but sturdy. The rock of their team, his mind. So many more things, Sugawara didn't think he'd ever be able to put into words. So perfect in his eyes. Anyone would be lucky to have him.

He just wished it was him.