Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

╳ September 23rd, 2020.
The whole band were cluching their heads, except for Tohma. They all had similar thoughts in feelings as of now.
How would they get by like this?
A mixture of all their thoughts ended up to one conclusion.
It was an awful thing to imagine. Covid had struck in the middle of all their work, and the thing keeping their money being concerts, singing at bars, and their normal jobs... jumbled up into bits. Virtual school? Who knew such a thing? And who would work at a store now with the chance of a virus contamination? Masks were difficult enough. For one,

It
.
All
.
Fell
.
Down
.

Maybe he wasn't good at showing emotion. Maybe he didn't know what he was feeling. Maybe he didn't show it when he had the chance. Maybe he felt weak being vulnerable around people he trusted. Maybe he felt too gulity to say. Maybe he was too mature. Maybe he knew he'd die soon.
"Addiction was a thing that kills you slowly.", well, that stuck with him sometimes. He was addicted to his band, he was addicted to peoples, he was addicted to... Reality might as well not be real right there and then.
"So, what are we going to do?" A stubborn red head spoke out. "...None of us really know !(>/[. We could.. sell CD's.. or—" "No point in that now.. no one would go outside at this rate." The voices of the members all echoed around him. "No point in anything" and a few other thoughts that lead to a fatal act lingered his mind. "Hey /[&?!... you alright?"
His best friend. His best. Blonde. Friend. There'd be a small warmth in his heart. This time, a smaller void filled it.
Two negatives make a positive.
His name was Tohma Azuchi.
The last member of Ice Mountain.

Chapter Text

I worry about people quite a bit. Not like it's a minutes occurrence, but it feels awful. Ice Mountain had its last meeting in what will most likely be forever. Not even the smartest genius could estimate when this virus will fade away. There's not much going on with me. Maybe just lack of availability.. otherwise the difference is almost none. For me, of course.
Everyone has problems. Just because I don't have a bunch of them doesn't mean they aren't there. I guess I'll care when it's the only thing you can do.
...Just kidding, I always care.
My band members. It hurts quite a bit seeing them so depressed. Akito. Kiyoteru. Natsuki. And. Tohma. My best friend. The one who've I have loved ever since I got to know him. Sure sure, the voice in my head would find it shocking it's not Kiyoteru— since he's so unpredictable and all, but that voice is me, and I honestly could care less about opposites attract. That, and he's not my type.
Guess I could say Tohma would be the same. I tried to convince myself. I failed. Not that I've had relationships with anyone who was against it... but overhearing random strangers with their opinions make you feel bad. My grandpa already doesn't support me enough.. I can't think of a great reaction realistically. It's enough about me. I'm too anxious about them.
Japan isn't the nicest place to care about mental health.
I wish.. I wish I could go back to America with them. They care. Those people care. Therapists are more common. They care. You wouldn't get shamed for wanting some help. It was so nice... even when I didn't know English.
"Hey guys. We're moving to America, and I'm forcing you all."
I'm not that rich to take everyone's families to another country. Hence, neither the culture. Thinking about it makes me realize it'd be a lot easier to just encourage people to get a therapist.
...
Tohma almost seemed completely out of it. His soul wasn't there. His smirk, his remarks, his maturity. Would it kill him to say it's mature to have courage about your feelings? In this state.. maybe it would... and that's the last thing I want. Last thing anyone would want. Maybe I wasn't paying attention to anyone else. Love is an intresting thing, especially when you know the true meaning.

I stared at my favorite keyboard, a hand on a few notes, realizing I may never play it again. It was a rainy day outside. Maybe it was trying to fit in with the world by being gloomy too.
—
A faint cover of Therefore, You and me on a piano was heard by the postman before dropping off a letter.

Chapter Text

Walking to Akito's place felt a bit more empty this day.
Life has gotten much more confusing since the last week. It changed to a field trip with my students to online school so quickly. How do I use technology? That's something Haruto would be more smart in, and he has his problems already.
...
"私たちは皆、アイスマウンテンを心配していますよねか"
(We're all concerned for Ice Mountain aren't we?)
I couldn't keep my thoughts straight, and my grammar along with my train of thought started to fade away. A while ago it was the same feeling, but now it really feels like everything is coming down at the same time. It's... not a great feeling whatsoever.
I wish them the best, really. I just... can't keep up with anything or everything.
"Your alternative selves are laughing at you.", I've never believed in Tarot cards or anything Haruto's sister was interested in, but if that was true I guess a shilly shally teacher would be weak in this case. Am I that evil in other universes?
"I bet you're an evil scientist or something in the next one."
"What is that supposed to mean Akito?" The green apple he gave me was delicious, but he can't even stop being a tease for a second as he laid-back on his couch with his hands behind his head.
"You know, you do evil things. Manipulate people, possess people, whatever." "I would not." A faint blush appeared on his cheeks. "I said a different universe, you're too naive in this one." As he threw a cherry tomato at me, hitting the middle of my glasses. Suddenly, his smile and blush turned into a frown with coldness on his face.
"So.. do you know what you're going to do for this?" "The virus?" "Of course. I have to deliver ninety percent of the time, and I have to wear a mask or else I might as well quit my job." "Well, I hope that's well for you. I'm grateful I just have to look at a screen and tire my fingers out." "We do that anyway..."
I guess neither of us wanted to talk about the situation with the band. Fair enough, but knowing someone else's feelings or reassurance would be nice.
I glanced at Akito's guitar, before looking at the cherry tomato that resided on my lap.
"I guess.. it's going to be a tough year."
"We'll make it through, Kiyoteru."
It felt as if he was giving me an invisible pat on the shoulder as I slowly chewed the small fruit.

—
I came home to Natsuki sleeping on my couch. I didn't notice him at first until I decided to turn the TV on and he jumped out of his nap. I flinched into hitting the side of a chair with an "ow".
"Kiyoterru? You're hooome?" Rubbing his head.
"How'd you get in!?"
"I squeezed myself through your window, and I couldn't really get down being on the third floor and all." "How'd you get up?" "So you can make sure I don't get up again?" "So you don't hurt yourself." "Um.. I think I'd tell you later." "Why? You know actually, it doesn't matter. Why'd you come over?" "I felt a bit lonely with everything going on, the bakery didn't have delivery before this, and I have no idea how it works!" That made me think how the other two are doing. I hope they're both taking this well.. I haven't seen the two since that meeting three days ago. Did I see Tohma crying while walking out? I wasn't sure if it was just the rain that day. I was too worried now. I glanced back towards Natsuki.
"Have you heard anything from Harutohma?"
"Harutoh–? Oh, no. I saw Haruto walking towards his house while I tried going on a delivery."
"Alright then.."
The TV played more about the disease that was spreading. Covid? As if people weren't sheltered enough already. Natsuki looked more scared, I guess having your grandmother run a bakery like this would bring fear against many.
I hope everyone will be alright... may God bless us all.

Chapter Text

Hot tears swelled the skin underneath which they fell. It's not the time to be poetic, but it's the only way people express themselves during awful times. —I tried, desperately to hide them by covering my eyes as if I was rubbing them, or the rain was simply targeting my face. Just so my friends wouldn't see.
I couldn't do it. I simply couldn't contain myself anymore. It was awful. I didn't like to get reminded when I was bullied in highschool, those damn idiots repeating for me to cry like a child. It was so stupid.. and I'm so weak.. Just like I was before. Too bad I didn't take my car here.. who knew it'd rain. My hair was soaking wet after just a few minutes, and I could feel myself crying as much as the sky.
I'm going to die!
Those kids who said I was too prone to sickness. My cousin. I can't even visit her. My bass? That's it. That's left. And even then, I'm the most useless one of the band. Last member, least obvious instrument, less attention, less—
It's such a stupid thing to cry about. I'm supposed to be mature. I'm supposed to be the grown one. Why can't I damn act like it!? I look like a lunatic crying in these streets. My hair. My clothes. My heart. I'm drowning and this is how I die. Either this, or my emotions end with me.
...
A cigarette lifts your problems for a bit. I promised Haruto I'd stop. I just need to make sure he doesn't find out. Covid is worse for people with lung problems huh? Even better.. I guess. Everyone staring at me smoking in public can go f*** themselves.
Maybe I should've listened to Haruto.. this only made me more angry. I hope he's doing much better then I am. So why am I hearing that red heads voice?
"TOHMMAAAAAAA!!!" Oh dear Heavens, I forgot Akito lived on this damn street. Wiping away tears and throwing my cigarette to the floor was much easier than explaining why I'm here. I walked out the alleyway— "What is it Akito?" And there he was, running towards me unknowingly.
"Ooph—" "Oh damn it Akito! You got us both dirty!" He was wearing a more.. see-through shirt in the rain. My jacket had enough stains, who cares about those?
"I saw you nearby, just to check how you were doing." "Why's that? You usually flick me on the cheek more than tackle me. Plus you don't run towards me either." I pushed him off of me and got up. He grimaced seeing my face. Didn't make me feel better. "Ey, your face is a bit red." "Why's it your concern?" "Because I vividly remember you talking to Haruto that you won't smoke again." Well.. maybe if I said I was crying it would buy me a better excuse. "I was.. crying, Akito." His face changed into a bit of shock as he got off the ground too. "What about? I'm not as close as Haruto, but I could atleast try to help." Being in the rain made it more comfortable yet more emotional. I grit back tears right there with a fist, just because it's a stupid reason to cry. "Errr.. dude? You sure you're alright?" I didn't know I was holding my breath until he said that. Screw it. I pulled out a cigarette and adjusted my lighter so it wouldn't burn out in the rain, that is until Akito slapped me hard on the cheek. "Absolutely not!" "What the- dude!?" My lighter ended up on the ground with the cigarette barely hanging between my fingers. He grabbed it and smashed it with his foot on the sidewalk. I tried to pick up my lighter until red head grabbed my collar and threw me into the building wall next to us, picking the lighter up before I could. "That's a nice lighter dude! You gonna give it back?" "No way I am when you're in this state dude!" Now I really, really can't tell if he was on the verge of tears or the rain was targeting him too. "What does that mean ya jerk!?" I grabbed his shirt and pinned him against the wall on the other side of the street, not caring if a car hit us as I ran across. Was the rain getting louder? "You're a damn lunatic when you smoke you dumb sh*t! You relapse and this happens!" He kicked me in the groin, forcing me to let him go. "I'm not a damn lunatic!" "Whatever you say cousin drug complex boy!" He covered his mouth after saying that. It.. didn't make that much sense, it was the F*CKING MEANING BEHIND IT! "Ey dude.. it just slipped out." I finally got up from kneeling down to a blow between the legs. "You're so rude. Go back to your damn apartment Akito." I said as I walked away from him. He put a hand on my shoulder. "Don't you dare smoke at all today. Go home, play your bass, calm down, and distract yourself." "What's with the mature guy act?" "..Just a taste of your own medicine. Did it work..?" "No comment." He pat my shoulder a few times before walking back to his place. The rain got worse.. maybe I should've took a car, I thought as I rubbed my cheek.

Chapter Text

Teaching online school isn't that fun.. if anything, it's much more tiring than regular teaching. Poor kids don't deserve to just stare at a screen, and little of them know how this works. They'll learn extra.. for no good reason. I can't even show off my Lamborghini as I drive to school now..
I slumped over onto my couch, feeling a little too bored. Four thirty seven P.M.. I sent all assignments to my students, not eager to grade them either. I should probably check up on Tohma, assuming he's still upset. I hope he isn't. I decided to text him instead of barging in and seeing him soaked in tears.
—————
(🚬) tohma
– Hey Touma, are you free?
- yeah, why
– Can I come over?
- in a bit.
Before I could type my response of "Alright,–", Akito sent me a message.
—————
(🎸) Akito 火
‐ Hey dude did Kiyoteru tell you about what happened?
– No, cause I have no idea what you're talking about
- Oh yeah okay, I caught tohma relapsgfhtjt
– You what
- Kiyotery tried taking my phone from me my bad
- NO HE DIDNT
– ????
- HE DIDJT TRY TO RELAP
– Oh damn it.
Honestly, it was a bit amusing to see Kiyoteru and Akito fight behind a screen. Well, it would've been if I didn't feel my heart drop and get replaced with anger. I don't know why I was angry. A mature person who usually kept his promises.. betraying mine. I clenched my fist, feeling my phone vibrating in my pocket that I shoved it in. Is that why he doesn't want me to come over right away? That... bastard.

Chapter Text

'私の名前はアキト火山. なりたいアキト氷山."
(My name is Akito Hiyama. Wish to be Akito Hiyama)
Ignoring the small banter we had. Actually no, me and Kiyoteru have always had a small debate. It was a way of teasing him. Teasing is a way you can show your feelings without many people suspecting a thing. It can get as far as kissing someone on the cheek as a joke.
I really wish it wasn't a joke. I've always seemed like the type to like women more than men, hence my whole situation with purple haired short guy. Maybe that was my gay awakening. That's what it's called? Too formal, I'm not using it. Though that flashback of picking Natsuki up still stings.. maybe that was apart of it too.

Not like I want to admit it. Ice Mountain hasn't been the best lately. I'm sure everyone knows that by now. Not even a day later and I catch Tohma relapsing. It wasn't a good sight. I speak my mind more than words, and I wish I could've helped him a bit more. Kiyoteru coming over helped a bit, being a friend and a crush. Being so calm the way he is, I wish I could be like him. I wish I could tell him I love him without it being weird. Although I don't have much to say, my feelings are a disaster, and will write this story in others.
I'm not a writer, I'm a grocer.
Aside from that, I wonder why Kiyoteru didn't want me to send that message to Haruto..? What's the harm? Haruto isn't the type to get angry, I just wanted him to help Tohma on his whole situation.
...
He'll be alright.

Chapter Text

I got Haruto's text the moment I lit my second cigarette. I felt.. gulity. I couldn't eye the text for more than a good five seconds before it swallowed me. I promised him, I promised I'd stop. I promised..
I gripped the bag of cigarettes, about to throw them onto the floor before the addiction that ran through my veins now stopped me. I looked out from my balcony that went out into an alleyway. It was peaceful enough. I felt the same feeling I'd felt when I first bought this unit. Another couple minutes went by, just thinking about the school day, I guess. What Natsuki's weekly special would be.. How many students would fail this year.. I opened up the new text from Haruto that made me exit my thoughts.
—————
(🏵) haruto am
- I'm here.
What!?
– give me a second, will you?
Maybe he took it literal, cause not even a second later he barged through my door searching the place. Was I afraid?
..just a bit.
"You bastard! You relapsed without a second thought didn't you!? Show yourself you poor idiot!" ...You know, cigarettes get you thinking. Was it poor in an emotional sense or because he's so rich? I got knocked out of my thoughts again by the feeling of someone grabbing the back of my collar and a blonde man I loved looking at me with a death stare. "What was it!? What encouraged you!? What made you think it was alright!? You promised me Tohma! You f***ing liar! You betrayed my trust!"
"彼はなぜそんなに怒っていたのですか？"
(Why was he so angry?) Is this Haruto..?
Yeah, it is, and I've turned him into a monster with my own actions. He pressed my back against the railing on the balcony. "Don't just stare at me with that cigar in your hand! You—" He kicked me right in the stomach. I felt my eyes widen and my mouth agap. "—stupid, pathetic addiction of a man!"
Why.. why couldn't I speak? Did it hurt so much to see someone you love hurt you? Did it really? Was my heart too numb to say something? This isn't Haruto. This isn't Haruto. This isn't Haruto. It's a nightmare. Wake me up so this never happened. I miss him. I miss it all. Somebody,–
I felt a stab at my head. He punched me up underneath my chin, and the last thing I remember is saying three words and the shakey feeling of falling.

Chapter Text

If I wasn't a stupid man with a goal, maybe I could've done something.
Here's a time you realize you were stupid your whole life. Imagine being in what, seventh grade and just NOW realizing you're a man. I hate myself for it. I've really been stupid my whole life. Maybe my parents predicted it, and the only half-smart thing I can think is that the world depends on the word "maybe", because yes and no's give it away...it isn't great. I think, it's the only thought I've had that hasn't been about changing myself.
I hope this band stays together forever. In Heaven? I hope so.
For a second I thought I was in the shower with the overwhelming falling drops of sadness flowing onto my body, slowly soaking in. It was not only that, but my tears. It would be nice to have Haruto's hair. Atleast something would be the color of the sun near me. It's.. a stormy purple. I had to overthink my way with my eyes on the carpet, counting each piece of fuzz until I calmed down.

It's such a weird world. I wonder if this whole band is trying to kill eachother now. Haruto? Custody of the police, he's being interviewed as of what Kiyoteru told me. Tohma? Missing now. Akito is somewhere locked in his room.

(🥮) Kiyo
—————
- Haruto's out.
— did he do anything
- He bribed them per usual.
— of course he did can he ever accept his actions
- Natsuki, don't say that now. You know this whole things stressful for all of us. This would only add on.
I stared at the text in disappointment. Kiyoteru was good at comforting most times, I'm just fed up now. I put my phone down, looking at the bathroom to my upper front and the kitchen that peeked through the door to my right. Not to make anything worse... I'm not the type of guy to drink too often or when things get stressful. It was a bit tempting, just to see how alcoholics do it. I wonder how Tohma's doing. Did the alcoholic part remind me of him?
...yeah.

Chapter Text

Natsuki doesn't seem to care anymore. It's just me and Akito, and even he locked himself in a room. I tried checking up on him, but all I got out was a small noise from the bathroom. I planned to talk to Haruto today. I don't know if I can look at him, but, I'll figure it out. I wonder how it got up to this, but,
I tried knocking on the bathroom again where Akito was, not noticing the bedroom door was open. So, he'd just locked himself in there. Just to remind myself, the rooms are connected..
"Hey.. Akito, you alright? You don't need anything?"
I think he realized something because he started to move around a lot more than what I've heard for the past couple hours now. He peeked through a crack in the door. He looked like the same small boy I knew so well. The roles were really reversed now hm? He's the scared and shy one. He's— and even now I can't, speak how I want to.
"Have you been there Teru?"
"I've been here a while."
He backed away and slumped down to the ground. "How embarrassing..."
I heard a small click before realizing the door was unlocked. Before I could see him, he hugged me tightly with a frown I haven't seen on his face in a while. He mumbled with his face right next to mine.
"You're gonna see Haruto today?"
I hugged him back— "Yeah, actually. Why? Do you want to come with at all?" It was a dumb question because I wanted him to come along somehow or another. I didn't want him out of my sight for a good while, I was scared to death he'd do something. You always do something don't you?
"I was going to check on Natsuki. If you don't mind at all."
"That's.." I had hoped. "..fine."
"Great."
All these words felt a lot colder than what they usually do. For him being 火山, he surely wasn't melting any ice anymore.

Chapter Text

Another rainy day.
I felt a small buzz in my pocket, checking my phone as I sat on the sidewalk where a police station grounded behind me. Waiting for a stop light to turn green, I looked at my text messages with the world turning much more dark earlier than usual. The phone light lit up the tips of my fingers which hadn't been cleaned for a while now.
...𝘈𝘭𝘭 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘳𝘵𝘺 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬... I hadn't been bothered to clean at all.
—————
(🎤) Kiyo 氷
- Dude, where are you right now?
– I'm at the police station, I was just heading out
By that time, I started walking across the street with loud splashed of water beneath my feet.
- Stay there for a bit
– why?
- I need to talk to you
– is it about tohma?
– don't even try
- it's better if we sort things out haruto
I squinted at the text with the amount of water droplets on it starting to annoy me. Kiyo started to text me as I noticed a faint sound from the nearby bushes-to-forest. The car lights that now drove through a section they couldn't mere seconds ago made the forest-y area visible. I don't know if it was my imagination. I don't know if it's because he was in my head. I don't know if it was because I had the feeling to find him before anyone else, before the police could, before anyone could. I glanced one more time at the messages that vibrated in my hand before shoving my phone into my pocket with more urgency than I remember having.
—————
。 。 。
- please just don't try to do anything by yourself
That rung through my head before I rushed as fast as I could into those exact bushes I had been eyeing with car light lighting my way. I think I could hear something running away. I think I could reach for it, but if I had to face reality from what I had done, I couldn't.
These past few days. I can't count them. I had slept through nights and days. I had lost my train of thought. You realize too, that I have not been well. My thoughts, my mind, my head, my heart, had all raced along with me as I ran through this miniature forest in which one doesn't think about. Is he here? That's a question I ask. I want to know the answer. Which is why I am doing this. I wouldn't dare do this. Not again. But if it meant having to sacrifice the things I imagine, as selfish as I am, I would do it. Once, because twice may lead to another thought. My phone rung. The vibrations kept rocking me as I ran. Sensitive as I was now. I followed, my gut, him, to wherever I may find an answer. The forest has gotten more dark than what he wears. He's certainly here... but where?
I feel that I lost my mind, losing directions in this forest. I don't know what I was chasing anymore, that is until I ended up on the other side of this endless forest. It got me to either a really large lake, or the ocean.
...I think I'll take the first option.