Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Brian sat at his computer. His open document's white, blank nature caused his vision to swim. He rubbed his temple, trying to prevent a headache. At 38, he’d been a published author for a decade. He’d published his first novel independently when he was almost 29. Then, a year later, he’d signed a three-book deal with his current publisher. They’d forced him to write the following two books (his 2nd and 3rd novels, respectfully) in 4 years from signing on the dotted line. His 3rd book was published on his 34th birthday. 

The only reason he’d been able to hold off the vultures about his 4th book in the series, the final as part of his book deal, was that he’d been diagnosed with cancer when he was 34. For the last three and a half years, he’d been fighting cancer and then recuperating. Part of his recovery process had been to purchase the nightclub where he’d spent most of his misspent youth. Babylon had gone under because Saperstein had misappropriated funds into his own pockets and had been more concerned with fucking the dancers than he was about turning a profit. The club quality had gone down by the time Brian stopped frequenting it when he was 34, just shy of his diagnosis. So, last year, when it went on the market, Brian was depressed about the cancer, so his financial advisor and best friend, Ted, told him to use some of his savings to buy a new toy. 

With a sigh, Brian flipped the monitor of his computer off and decided that he wouldn’t get anywhere with this new novel today. It was only 4:30 in the afternoon, but he’d already been staring at a blank screen for 3 hours to no avail. Writing his first book had been easy. The words had simply flowed out of him like they were a piece of his soul. Brian believed they were. He crossed the room and left his office. A quick walk down a short hallway brought him to his kitchen, where he hoped there would be something he could eat in his refrigerator.

Most of the people in his life had gawked at him when he’d sold his loft right after getting the news that he had testicular cancer. The diagnosis had been his wake-up call. He stopped going to the club. He pushed Mel and Linds to renegotiate their custody agreement so that he could spend more time with Gus. Naturally, all this change meant he had to change where he lived, too. There just wasn’t room in his life for a fuckpad anymore. That’s not to say Brian didn’t still have sexual encounters with strangers; he just didn’t do it as frequently as he used to. Part of that was due to the side effects of the cancer (his libido wasn’t what it used to be) and partly because he’d gotten bored with all the anonymous sex. 

What Brian wanted more than anything in the world, and what he couldn’t tell another soul was someone he could come home to. Brian wrote about love and romance in his book series – his protagonist having found the love of his life under a street lamp one hot summer day in the early 2000s when they were on the verge of truly growing up – but couldn’t make it happen in his own life.

After making himself a quick peanut butter and banana sandwich, something Gus had introduced him to and he was now obsessed with, Brian walked toward the back of his two-bedroom house to the ensuite bathroom off the main bedroom. The other small bedroom was Gus’ when he came to stay every other weekend and for a month during the summer. Technically, Brian could say his house had three bedrooms, but the third room had been converted into a study for his writing the moment he’d moved in. The woman who had sold him the house had told him it was the perfect room for guests, but had clapped excitedly when he told her his plans for the room. She’d been an ideal real estate agent if only Brian could remember her name.

He slowly got undressed and stared at his reflection in the mirror. If anyone were to ask Michael or Ted, they would say he’d never been better. According to them, Brian Kinney was at the top of his game. He was a successful author with three books under his belt and a fourth one on its way. Neither of them would say he was lonely or depressed. That’s because Brian hid those parts of himself from them. He’d had enough pity and sympathy to last a lifetime during the year and a half he’d been undergoing cancer treatments. 

Just as he was about to step into his shower, his phone rang, making a hideous vibrating noise on his bathroom sink countertop. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and recentered himself before answering whoever thought calling him right now would be a good idea. He didn’t even look at the caller ID before answering, which was a huge mistake.

“Mr. Kinney.” It was Hunter, the young kid Michael and Ben had adopted. He was now 21 and managed the bar at Babylon. Brian secretly liked the kid, which is why he let him manage the bar instead of just working it. However, today, he didn’t have the patience for whatever Hunter’s nervous tone brought with him.

“Hunter, I’ve told you many times. Mr. Kinney was my father. It's just Brian.” Brian squeezed his temples between his fingers.

“Right. Brian, so we have a problem.” Hunter stalled, clearly not ready to incur the wrath that Brian is famous for on occasion. “I came by the club early because I wanted to be sure the alcohol shipment delivered this morning was stored properly before we open the doors. Anyway,” Hunter stalled out again.

“Just spit it out, kid.” Brian knew he was unreasonably exasperated, but Hunter wasn’t helping matters.

“Someone broke in and trashed the register. It’s not going to be in working order for tonight.” Brian could see Hunter’s nervous face and habit of biting his lip despite being miles from the young man.

“Did they steal anything? Did you check the office upstairs?” Brian was already throwing his jeans back on as he spoke. He could reach the club in about ten minutes once he walked out his front door.

“I don’t have a key to the office, but from where I’m standing, I think someone busted the window on the door and forced it open.” Hunter continued. 

“Fuck.” Brian swore under his breath. “I’ll be there in about ten minutes. Just take stock of what might be out of place or missing. I will call the cops on my way.”

“Okay, Brian.” Hunter agreed, and then, just before hanging up the call, he added, “I’m sorry.”

Brian knew it wasn’t the kid’s fault, but he didn’t try to rush out words of assurance before the call was disconnected. He’d have time to reassure Hunter once he could assess the situation at the club. As he pulled out of his drive, Brian used his hands-free to call the local police.

“Liberty Station 23, how may I direct your call?” The chipper yet well-rehearsed voice that answered almost sent Brian’s nerves off the cliff.

“Hello, my name is Brian Kinney. I own the nightclub Babylon over on Tremont. My employee arrived to do pre-shift set-up duties and informed me of a break-in. I am on my way there now to assess, but I wanted to see if we could get some officers out to make a formal report.” Brian turned onto Tremont just as the woman responded to his statement.

“Do you have security cameras on your property, sir?” She asked in response.

Brian had to take a giant, steadying breath and remind himself that this was a standard question. “Yes, ma’am. I can give the police access to the tapes upon their arrival.”

“Great. I have informed one of our uniformed officers of the complaint. Our closest patrol car is dealing with a minor accident a few blocks over and will be to your address within 20 minutes.” 

“Thank you,” Brian responded with a sigh of gratitude as he pulled into his reserved parking spot at the back of the club.

He pocketed his cell phone and climbed out of his Jeep. Brian did not have the energy or patience for this. It had been a long day, thanks to his doctor appointment with his oncologist and the tests he had run. Brian was confident his cancer hadn’t come back, but every time they went through the checkup paces, it was a bitch. 

He shuffled across the parking lot, entered the club through the back door, and was soon met with Hunter’s harried expression. Brian forced a smile and let out a cough, leading to a coughing fit. Fucking summer allergies .

Hunter raised an eyebrow at him in concern. Brian waved his hand to brush him off. 

“Anything missing here?” Brian glanced around.

“I noticed we were a few cases short on our shipment. High dollar stuff.” Hunter met Brian’s gaze solemnly.

Brian desperately wanted to punch something. He didn’t need this right now. Instead, he turned through the keys on his keychain until he landed on a small silver one. He then motioned for Hunter to follow him as he trudged up the stairs to the office. 

“Have you gone up here yet?” Brian threw over his shoulder.

“Nope. I was waiting for you.” Hunter shrugged. 

Brian shook his head, “I actually kind of miss the snark you used to have all the time. You were one hell of a bratty teen, but it was amusing to watch.”

They arrived at the office, and Brian sighed heavily at seeing his neatly organized employee and budget files strewn all over the floor. Before he could step into the room further, Hunter’s arms locked him in place against the broken door and its frame.

“We’ve got some time til the cops show up. I’ve always wanted to show you my appreciation.” Hunter waggled his eyebrows and looked Brian up and down before he pushed off the wall and laughed.

“Missed my obnoxious flirting, did you?” Hunter smirked as he started to help Brian pick up the mess of papers.

Brian rubbed his hand across his mouth, hiding his smile. Hunter was indeed a great person to have around in a crisis. The stress and anxiety that had been coursing through his veins minutes ago was gone entirely. Now, Brian could focus on checking the safe for the extra cash and important documents and ensuring they hadn’t been taken.

Once he got to the safe, it was clear it hadn’t been broken into. So, it looked as though the thief only made away with what they could find at the bar, which wasn’t much since the register had been empty, as they hadn’t opened yet. Brian wondered who would’ve broken in and messed with the documents in his office. Turning around to survey the whole room, Brian wondered if he had any enemies. Or worse, if someone had finally discovered his identity.

When he published his first novel, Brian purposely published it under a pseudonym to maintain anonymity, especially if the book didn’t do well. But when it sold well, and Brian hired a publisher, he kept the name. His publisher tried to say he needed to use his real name instead of Peter James to be more than a one-time success, but Brian stood firm. He liked living a normal life and not having to deal with the general public.

Hell, even Debbie didn’t know he was a published author. She still believed he wrote ad copy for Vanguard. His secret was much too precious to him, and Debbie meant well, but more often than not, she ran her mouth where she shouldn’t. In the early days of his writing career, Brian had contemplated keeping it a secret from everyone but Michael and Lindsay, but he soon realized he needed financial advice from Ted. And he couldn’t keep a secret from Emmett even if he tried; the Southerner was too perceptive.

“Brian?” Hunter’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts. He was holding Hunter’s employment file in his hand. Brian smirked.

He looked up and saw a couple of uniformed officers standing before him.

“I heard them arrive, so I showed them around downstairs. They wanted to see the office and talk to you.” Hunter gave a small smile before he backed out and headed back down the stairs.

“Hello, officers.” Brian tossed Hunter’s file on top of the desk. “I appreciate you coming over to assess the damages and theft.”

He gave them his most charming smile. It lasted only briefly before he started coughing again.

“Of course, Mr. Kinney. Dispatch said you own this establishment .” The older of the two cops scoffed as he looked around. “Are you sure anything was taken? Maybe just a jilted lover trying to get back at you.”

Brian licked his lips, drawing them in. He wasn’t going to lose his cool on this clearly homophobic cop.

“I’m happily single. I have been for years. And, yes, some alcohol was stolen from behind the bar. And so was our emergency stash of cash hidden at the back of the shelf under the bar.” Brian gave him a winning smile. “Not to mention the hundreds if not thousands of dollars in damages done here.”

“Lt. Bowers didn’t mean anything by it, sir.” The younger cop, a blond about Brian’s age, jumps in, hearing the bite in Brian’s voice.

“No, he did. But that’s okay. He doesn’t realize our money is just as good as his.” Brian stepped up to the older cop, “Bowers, is it? Maybe just take the report and let someone else investigate it.”

“I can take down your complaint, sir.” The blond stepped up again as Lt. Bowers glared at Brian, spit on the floor between their feet, and left to go back down.

Brian shook his head, rubbed his temple, and addressed the remaining officer. “What’s your name?”

“Officer Corbin. I, um, actually come here a lot on my nights off.” The young man looked at the floor all of a sudden.

Brian nodded and smiled. “Of course. I’m sorry you have to work with that .” He motioned downstairs before crossing over to sit behind his desk.

“Do you know why someone would target this establishment?” Corbin pulled out his notebook.

“You mean besides the obvious?” Brian raised his eyebrow. “No. I was just starting to look through employee files when you arrived. Maybe someone I recently fired.” 

Corbin nodded along, taking notes. “How much was in your emergency cash stash?”

Brian closed his eyes. A headache was starting to form behind his eyes. “Uhm. I would say around $150. We don’t keep a lot there. Just enough to stock the register during a rush.”

“You also mentioned some alcohol was stolen?”

“My bar manager, Hunter, came in early today to put away our shipment. He stated that a couple of cases of high-shelf liquor were missing. I haven’t had a chance to check with our supplier yet, but my money's on the thief. I’ve never had an issue with my supplier.”

Corbin nodded again, looking over his notes. “Alright, Mr. Kinney. We have enough to start the investigation. If you find out more on your end, let us know.” 

The blond pulled a card from his notebook and handed it to Brian. Corbin winked at him before whispering, “I also wrote down my cell in case you need or want to call.”

Brian appreciated the man’s balls. He full-on propositioned the owner of an establishment he was investigating. It was something Brian would’ve done five years ago.

After the officers had left, Brian wanted to go himself but knew his office needed to be put right. As he gathered the scattered files, he noticed Hunter standing in the doorway.

“Do you think it could be someone we’ve kicked out or fired?” Hunter had his hands shoved in his pockets and his shoulders hunched, reminding Brian how small he used to make himself while working the streets.

Brian dropped the papers in his hand and crossed the room. Without a word, he wrapped Hunter in an embrace.

“It’s okay. You’re safe. I’ll make sure they catch who did this.” 

Hunter returned the embrace briefly before he moved back, clearing his throat.

“Anyway, you need help up here?” 

Brian shook his head. “No, I’m just going to be reorganizing these and trying to find something to point the officers in the right direction.”

“What are we going to do about the register for tonight? Or are we staying closed?” Hunter fiddled with the broken wood hanging loose on the frame. 

“Shit.” Brian brought his hand to his forehead again. He bit his lip, thinking hard. “We are going to be open. I’ll think of something.” 

With that, Hunter went back to the bar to continue the cleanup process. Brian watched him walk away until he was low enough on the stairs and fell out of sight. Brian’s headache was persisting to the point he could barely focus.

He pulled out his phone and dialed the person he could rely on for a quick solution.

“Em, hey. I need a huge favor.” Brian responded the minute his friend picked up.

“I will not have sex with you, Brian. I have to draw the line somewhere.” Emmett deadpanned, not missing a beat.

“Haha.” Brian snarked. “Do you know where I can get a cash register replacement in the next few hours?”

“Did you consider asking Michael? You know, the other budding entrepreneur in our group? Maybe he can loan you the one from his shop.” Emmett smiled brightly, and Brian could feel its warmth through the phone. 

“Em, how do I survive without you?” Brian heaved a sigh of relief. He knew without asking, his oldest friend would come to his aid in a pinch.

“You don’t.” The queen laughed. “Look, I gotta go. Leavenworth’s Bridal Shower waits for no one.”

Brian wasn’t able to thank the man before he was gone again. 

With one last look at the stack of files, he needed to move from his desk to the cabinet where they belonged. Brian decided to abandon the task and instead find a replacement register. He walked down to see how Hunter was fairing with his portion of the mess. 

“Hey, do you think your dad could let us borrow his cash register?” Brian leaned on the countertop and watched the lad straighten the shelves.

“They smashed quite a few of the open bottles. I swear our shoes are gonna stick to the floor for months.” Hunter muttered, clearly not hearing Brian’s question but registering his presence.

“Shoes have been sticking to the floor of Babylon for years, and not because of the liquor,” Brian smirked. Hunter met his gaze and shuddered.

“Gross.”

“Oh, come on. You used to do much worse on the streets.” Brian quirked an eyebrow, “Besides, I was kidding. Now, about your dad.”

“Which one?” Hunter returned to wiping down bottles with a towel before placing them back on the shelf.

“Keep up.” Brian snapped his fingers. “Michael. The one who’d have a cash register we could borrow.”

Hunter shrugged. “I’m not sure. Why don’t you just ask him?”

Brian licked his lips. “Because he has the ability to say no to me, but with you, he doesn’t.”

Hunter shook his head with a smile. “You’re bad. Fine. I’ll ask him and then go and get it from him.”

“Good boy!” Brian gripped the back of Hunter’s head briefly.

——

It was after midnight, and Brian was finally back home. He was certain that if he tried to shower now, he’d fall asleep standing up, so he set his alarm for a little bit earlier and threw his clothes toward the hamper. He climbed into bed and was asleep within minutes.

The following day, his alarm blared much too early. Brian groaned but knew he couldn’t hit snooze because he was meeting the group for breakfast at the diner. And, of course, that meant he had to dress in a suit and tie. He wasn’t looking forward to it. 

He got out of bed, coughing as he walked into the bathroom for a shower. The steam cleared his chest more than he’d experienced in days. These summer allergies were killing him this year. He washed his hair and body quickly before getting out. Usually, Brian loved to take his time showering, but today, he didn’t have time.

He walked over to his closet and tried to decide which button-down and tie to wear when his phone rang. A glance at the clock told him it was 7:45 am. Who the fuck would be calling him this early?

He picked up his cell and answered it. He cradled the phone between his shoulder and left ear, threw on a navy blue shirt, and fiddled with the cuff as he answered.

“Hello?”

“Brian? Oh, thank god I was able to reach you. We are kind of in a bind. Mel’s mom is in the hospital, and we need to be with her. I’d bring Gus, but hospitals are terribly boring, and it’s summer. Can you take him for your month a few weeks early?” Lindsay’s tone was highly anxious, and Brian knew the blonde was downing all the coffee and donuts possible.

He smiled, tucking in his lips. More time with his son was always welcomed. But he also liked to make Lindsay squirm a bit.

“I don’t know, Wendy. I’m pretty booked. I just don't have the time between writing, doctor's appointments, and public appearances.” Brian switched the phone to his other shoulder and worked on pulling his shirt on the other side.

“Oh, Brian!” She exclaimed. “You almost had me. But then you had to say public appearances. You hate the general public.”

“Guilty as charged. I’ll be at Liberty Diner for breakfast with the guys for the next hour. Bring him there. I’ll get him some pancakes.” Brian chuckled.

“You’re a lifesaver. Truly.” Lindsay exclaimed with a breath of relief. “See you soon, Peter.”

Brian hung up his phone and finished putting on his pants, socks, and shoes. He grabbed a light blue tie and walked to his kitchen to get his keys. He had a coughing fit just before leaving and considered bailing on Thursday's breakfast with the gang. Then his lungs calmed down, and he knew that if he didn’t show up, everyone would end up here, which was worse.

“You look like shit!” Brian was greeted by Michael’s harsh tone the minute he sat down.

“You would too if you’d been up half the night because of a break-in and then had to get up early the next day.” Brian groused and motioned for Debbie to bring him some coffee.

The redheaded woman came shuffling over. “You okay, honey? Your health still good?” She placed a gentle hand on his face and poured him a cup.

“I’m fine, ma. Just tired. I didn’t sleep much last night. Someone broke into Babylon yesterday morning. So, that was a nightmare I had to deal with all afternoon and evening.” Brian sighed but gave Debbie a reassuring smile.

Debbie placed a hand on her chest in concern. “Was anything stolen? Anyone hurt?”

“No. The place was empty. They got away with a couple hundred in cash and some high-shelf liquor. Hunter was able to help me clean things up.” Brian looked up at his mom and reassured her once more.

“Speaking of which. Where’s my cash register?” Michael stared at Brian from across the booth.

“Relax.” Brian sighed again. “I instructed Hunter to return it to your shop and set it back up for you.” 

Michael looked as though he was about to argue when a blur of brunet hair and knobbly limbs attached itself to Brian’s chest and lap.

“Daddy!” Gus cried with a wide, half-toothless grin. “Mommy said you’d get me pancakes!” 

Brian turned slightly to see a majorly put-out Lindsay. She had a bag slung over her shoulder and forced a smile as she dropped it by Brian’s feet.

“You do know he has clothes at my place, right?” Brian glanced at the bag.

“You don’t have my Superman shirts, Daddy!” Gus petulantly exclaimed, moving to the bench next to Brian. “‘Sides, I’m with you ALL summer.”

“Try a month and a half. That’s hardly all summer.” Brian laughed and made a face at Gus to get him to laugh, too. 

Just then, his lungs revolted again, and Brian found himself in a coughing fit. He got himself under control and gulped down a glass of water, but everyone else stared at him.

“Jesus, it’s just a cough. Chill.” Brian glared at each of his family members separately, except Gus.

“I had a cough and runny nose last week. Mommy said it was poolen.” Gus shrugged, drinking the juice Debbie had left and brought back for him.

“Pollen, Sonny boy.” Brian rubbed Gus’ hair and turned to everyone else. “A trait he gets from me. Now stop clutching your pearls and move on.”

A small voice at the back of Brian’s mind started raising alarm bells about the cough, but he shoved it down. He didn’t have time to investigate that train of thought, nor did he want to. His testicular cancer had been hard enough, considering it had spread to his abdomen and his lymph nodes on the kidneys. His doctor has warned he could relapse with cancer in another part of his body. He didn’t have time to think of this.

“Brian,” Lindsay’s voice cut into his inner thoughts, bringing him back to the surface. He turned his head to look at her directly.

“Gus has a playdate with his best friend, Walter…” Lindsay began before Brian cut her off.

“Walter?! What is he friends with a 78-year-old man?” Brian scoffed.

“He’s eight.” Lindsay rolled her eyes, her patience for Brian’s usual banter nowhere to be found, “Anyway, he has this playdate on Saturday. You can just drop him off around 11. Gus will stay for lunch, and usually, when Mel and I pick him up, we stay for dinner with Walter’s family since we’re friends with his mom, but you don’t have to.”

“Thank you for the permission,” Brian grumbled.

“Don’t be a dick.” Debbie chimed in; Brian had forgotten she was still hanging around.

“Walter’s the best! He has the latest Mario!” Gus looked up from his plate of pancakes, pausing his fork halfway to his mouth.

“The latest Mario?!” Brian’s eyes got big in excitement. “Why didn’t you say so? Of course, I’ll take you over to see him.”

“Thank you, Peter.” Lindsay leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. “Gus, baby. Mommy and Momma Mel have to go away for a few days. We will call you tonight. Be good for Daddy.” She then leaned behind Brian to catch Gus on the top of his head.

“Bye, Mommy,” Gus stated without looking at her, more interested in his plate of pancakes.

Once Lindsay was gone, Debbie finally got around to taking Brian’s breakfast order. Then she, too, walked off to get back to work. Brian watched her walk away. Debbie had always loved him from the moment she met him. But that also meant she was his toughest critic. Brian hated that he kept his true career from her. She deserved to know the truth, but Brian also deserved to be able to live a life without harassment from people who were fans or otherwise.

“So, do you have any idea who could’ve broken into Babylon?” Ted broke the silence, sipping from his coffee.

Brian shook his head, “No, the one officer thought I deserved it. But, the younger one thinks they’ll be able to solve it easy enough. He was the one who sent over some forensic people to fingerprint the bar and my office. If it had been up to his partner, nothing would’ve been reported.”

Michael looked up from his eggs, confused. “Why?”

“Because, Mikey, it's a gay club.” Brian gave his best friend a pointed look until the dark-haired man’s demeanor changed.

“Ohhhh.”

“By Jove, I think he’s got it!” Brian mocked.

“Shut up, Brian.” Michael groused just as Debbie returned with Brian’s egg whites and wheat toast.

“I swear, you need to eat more. You’re nothing but skin and bones.” Debbie commented as she placed his plate down. He saw that she had added a glazed donut to his order. Brian smiled at his plate.

“It’s not my fault my body doesn’t gain any fat.” Brian shrugged.

The door jingled, and Brian turned to see who was coming in. It was a stranger, but the most beautiful stranger Brian had ever seen. The young man had to be almost 30 with hair as golden as sunlight. He didn’t look around or even make eye contact with anyone. However, Debbie must recognize him because she walks over to him and greets him with a nickname. Brian doesn’t pick up on their exchange because they’re too far away. Satisfied that he’d stared at the young man long enough, Brian turned his attention to his food.

——

A few hours later, Brian was back at his house typing away at his manuscript with Gus on the floor, playing with his trains. Just then, his train of thought was interrupted by the shrill ringing of his phone. Brian sighed. He had a specific tone for his editor, and this was it.

“Roger!” Brian answered the phone, making a face at Gus, who giggled.

“Brian, I’m waiting for your first draft. Can I expect it by the end of this week?” Roger was pretending to be cheerful and nice, which meant Brian was in deep shit with him if he didn’t have some kind of response.

“I can’t send you a whole draft, but I should have at least 3 chapters for you by then. I’m almost done with the first two as we speak.” Brian continued to type and talk at the same time.

“Brian,” Roger gave an exasperated sigh. “You know we gave you some leeway a few years ago because of your cancer diagnosis, but you’re obligated under your contract.”

“I know!” Brian stopped typing and practically hissed through the phone, “I went to see my oncologist yesterday for a follow-up, and I’m a bit rundown at the moment because of a cold. I will get you the first three chapters by tomorrow.”

Gus looked up, concerned at Brian’s tone, but Brian smiled at the young kid and silently reassured him.

“Fine. But we expect you to have the rest of the draft by the end of the summer. No more extensions, or you will be in breech of contract.” And with that, Roger hung up.

Brian threw his phone down and dropped his head into his hands. His whole body was exhausted, and the headache from last night had never gone away. If he didn’t have Gus with him he would’ve already crawled back into bed. Before he could start his writing once more, his phone went off again. This time it was the regular ringtone which meant it was from a nonsaved number or a contact he hadn’t given a special tone to.

“Hello?” Brian answered his cell, not recognizing the number.

“Mr. Kinney? This is Officer Corbin from last night.” The voice on the other end replied.

“Oh! Officer Corbin.” Brian relaxed considerably. “What’s the word?”

“Well, we had time to review your security tapes, and we found some suspicious people lurking about outside early yesterday, and one went out of frame, so we believe he’s the one who broke in. Because when we look at the time stamp on the videos from inside the bar, a person shows up in frame not 30 seconds after one disappeared from outside.”

Brian rubbed his temple, “That’s great. Are you able to make an ID off the video?”

“Unfortunately, the person is wearing a hood. But, we are still analyzing the fingerprints we lifted from the scene. Those might turn up something. In the meantime, I suggest you go about business as usual and let me know if you think of anyone who might have done this.” Corbin’s voice was gentle and kind. Brian’s dick twitched, hopefully. Fuck. I need to get laid.

After hanging up with Officer Corbin. Brian got up from his desk and went to the kitchen. Gus followed him, asking for some juice. Brian shook his head and smiled to himself. He was so grateful that after years of disinterest, Brian was able to convince Lindsay and Melanie that he deserved some time with his son. 

“How about we go to the skate park later so you can work on your skateboard tricks?” Brian asked Gus as he handed the kid a glass of watered-down apple juice.

“Really?!” Gus’s eyes lit up, and he started to bounce around the kitchen. “Mommas, don’t let me skateboard; they say it’s too dangerous.” 

“That’s why you only do it with me.” Brian tapped his nose to signify the whole thing was their little secret.

“You sure you aren’t too tired?” Gus stopped abruptly and looked up at Brian with concern. “You have what Momma Mel calls raccoon eyes.”

Brian knelt down to Gus’ level. He placed a hand on the kid’s cheek in gentle reassurance. “I’m a bit tired, but not too tired to watch you skate. Never too tired for that.”

Gus nodded, but his eyes told Brian he was still concerned. They were settled back in Brian’s study when his cell rang for a third time.

Gus looked up, “You’re super busy today, Daddy!”

Brian chuckled and gently shook his head, “I really am. Must be famous or something.” He stuck his tongue against his cheek and gave Gus a wink.

This ringtone was the one assigned to his doctor. Brian took a deep breath, tucked his lips behind his teeth, and steeled himself for an unpleasant conversation. He glanced over at Gus once more and decided he needed to take this call in his bedroom instead. If it wasn’t good news he didn’t want Gus to worry.

“Hey, Doc.” Brian tentatively greeted him once he finally answered. “Sorry for the delay. I have my son with me, so I wanted to keep him occupied before we talked.”

“I’m glad you did that.” Dr. Stevenson sighed, “Brian, I was concerned when you told me you’d been more tired lately, and then I heard your cough yesterday. So, I rushed the results of your bloodwork.” He paused.

“It’s not good is it.” Brian’s stomach dropped. His fears were realized as he thought over his bone-deep exhaustion and persistent cough the past week or so.

“I would much rather we have this conversation in person. Can you come by my office this afternoon?”

“I just promised my son I would take him to the skatepark.” Brian knew his excuse was pathetic the minute it left his lips. “Can’t we wait until tomorrow morning?”

“I would much rather you come in today. With your age and your history, it’s best we handle this sooner rather than later.” Dr. Stevenson all but confirmed Brian had relapsed.

“But, I’ve been in remission for over a year.” Brian could hear his own voice break. He wasn’t an outwardly emotional person, but it was all too much. He had just started to lead a life he was proud of. Brian was spending most of his time with his son, appreciating his friends like he should. He’d even stopped smoking and doing drugs upon his previous cancer diagnosis.

“Brian.” Dr. Stevenson was a patient and kind man, but even he had his limits. “Please come into my office at 3 pm today.”

“I’ll try to find someone to watch my son. He doesn’t need to hear any of this.” Brian replied before he hung up. 

Holding his cell in his hand, Brian felt the sting of tears. He didn’t deserve any of this. Or maybe he did. After all, most of his younger years were spent being closed off and a borderline asshole to everyone around him, including his closest friends. After a lifetime of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse from his parents, Brian decided he didn’t need love. Love was something idiots convinced themselves they needed, but he knew the truth. You could only rely on yourself.

Then, he’d been diagnosed with embryonal carcinoma, one of the most aggressive kinds of testicular cancer. Go figure. Knowing that his cancer wasn’t so easily cured, Brian realized he needed to make some changes. He stopped drinking, doing drugs, and going to the club almost every night. He spent more time with his son and told himself that he was ready to find someone to have a serious relationship with. The only problem was Brian forgot to worry about the supreme likelihood that his cancer would relapse within five years.

Brian dropped his phone to the mattress beside him and dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. He couldn’t cry. Not with Gus in the other room. He had to remain strong. His son didn’t need to know he was sick again. At least not before he got the details from Dr. Stevenson. No, Brian needed to take a deep breath and regroup. Gus was going to be disappointed that plans had changed, but Brian knew his doctor meant business. With another deep sigh, Brian got off his bed and went back to his study.

He stood quietly in the doorway and watched as Gus drew pictures in a sketchpad. The kid was only 8, but already he was showing signs of true talent. Most kids his age liked to scribble or make nondescript images and claim they were things such as a parent or a pet. But Gus drew things that actually looked like the stuff he would then describe. He must’ve sensed Brian was back because he looked up, smiled, and then held up his drawing.

“I drew us at the skatepark, Daddy!” Gus exclaimed. Brian held back tears as he looked at two somewhat humanoid figures on skateboards.

“But I don’t know how to do that. I barely function with my feet on the ground.” Brian stepped into the space and ruffled Gus’ hair. He leaned over and placed a kiss where his hand had been. “I really like it though.”

“Later, when we go skating, I want to show you this kickflip Walter’s older brother showed me.” Gus turned back to his art.

Brian cleared his throat. “About that. I know I said I would take you to the park today, but something came up. I can’t today, but I promise we will go tomorrow.”

Gus didn’t even miss a beat, “Don’t promise something you can’t keep.” 

And boy, did that one hit Brian deep in his chest. Gus was old enough to remember the times Brian had promised to visit or come to some achievement of his and hadn’t bothered to show up. He had been making strides these last three years, but it didn’t make up for five years of disappointments. 

“I can keep this one. I don’t have anything on my calendar tomorrow so we can go first thing in the morning even.” Brian bit his bottom lip, his eyes never leaving his son.

“Whatever.” Gus was disappointed but he’d never outright say it. “So, who will I stay with when you go do your thing ?”

“I was thinking Emmett. This thing I have to do. I don’t want others to know about it, and Auntie Em is the least likely to give me any grief about it.” Brian had a no-bullshit policy when it came to how he talked to Gus. The kid appreciated it and Brian found it went a long way toward building Gus’ trust in him.

“Facts.” Gus nodded, then, with a mischievous grin, looked up at Brian. “Plus, Em always gives me all the cookies I want.”

“No more than four,” Brian responded in his firmest dad voice.

Brian shook his head as Gus went back to happily drawing. He pulled up Emmett’s number and dialed.

“Wow, two times in one day, Mr. Kinney must be bored.” Emmett greeted him. “Or needs to get laid desperately, so he needs a babysitter.”

“Emmett,” Brian warned. 

“Okay. Fine. What can I do for you, Brian?” 

“One, I’m never bored. Two, I get laid more than you think. And three, it’s not babysitting when the kid is 8.” Brian leaned back in his chair. “But you weren’t wrong. I do need a sitter for about an hour around 3.”

“Don’t you think Gus would have much more fun playing around Michael’s comic book store than watching me prepare appetizers for a black-tie affair?” Emmett’s voice sounded a bit distant, which told Brian the man had put him on speaker.

Brian rubbed his temples again. “He probably would, but Mikey ,” Brian emphasized the name in an exasperated grit, “Would ask a million questions.”

Emmett’s breath hitched on the other end of the line. “Bri? What exactly will you be doing during this hour?”

Brian closed his eyes and sighed, “Dr. S wants to go over my test results from yesterday.”

Emmett gave a small gasp but then quickly recovered. “And you don’t need Gus knowing something is up.”

“Exactly.” Brian readily agreed. He was so glad he called Emmett. “I knew you’d understand and drop it.”

“Of course, no questions asked. Unless you want to share.”

“Not at this moment. But we will see what he says, and I’ll go from there.” Brian let out a shaky breath but masked it with a small cough.

“I’ll see you soon,” Emmett whispered, his emotions flooding through his voice. Brian knew his friend was going to wrap him in a hug the minute he dropped off Gus, but found in that moment he didn’t mind. “Tell Gus that we’ll be making Brownie Bites and Cake Pops. I’ll even let him taste test.”

Brian smiled, “Thank you, Emmett.”

“Anytime, Kinney.”

“Whatever, Honeycutt.” 

The two hung up. Brian felt considerably lighter than he had hanging up with Dr. Stevenson. Even if he got the worst news a few hours from now, Emmett would be there to make sure it was business as usual for Gus. Brian wasn’t alone in this fight. The thought of having a family worry about him used to freak him out and send him running for the hills, but now, he embraced it.

“Sonny boy.” Brian broke the silence to get Gus’ attention. “We are going to head over to Emmett’s in about an hour. You can go watch cartoons if you want. I need to call your Mommy.”

Gus jumped up and ran to the front room. Brian watched his son leave, unaware that after today things would never be the same for him again. He didn’t remember Brian’s illness last time because Lindsay and Mel had decided he was too young to know. So, they hadn’t told him. He just knew that his Daddy was sick a couple of times when his Mommy brought him over for a visit.

Brian worried his lip; he didn’t want to give Lindsay the heads-up. When it came to emotional reactions, hers was always the worst out of everyone in the family. He knew she would want to rush back home to be with him and that she’d want him to immediately tell everyone else. But he also couldn’t keep this from her because if Brian had to start treatments right away, someone would need to be there for Gus, despite their custody agreement.

“Bri, is everything okay? It’s only been a few hours. Is Gus okay?” Lindsay’s voice was immediately on high alert.

“Gus is fine.” Brian sighed. “I just wanted to call and give you a heads up. My doctor called a little bit ago and asked me to come in for further discussion. I’m certain I’ve relapsed.”

“You don’t know that. He could just want to go over all the results and give you pointers on how to stay healthy.” Lindsay tried to be devil’s advocate, but even she knew her words didn’t sound confident in the slightest.

“What about Gus? Is he aware?”

“No, I left him in the other room before I answered my doctor’s call. And I’m taking him over to Emmett’s. He knows I have to do something, but he thinks it's for work.” Brian rubbed his free hand through his hair.

“Well, please let me know what you find out. We are here for you. Please don’t forget that.” Lindsay’s voice was back to being the strong, confident, empathetic friend that Brian knew and loved.

“I will. I might need to adjust our Gus agreement. Depending on what he says.” Brian bit his lip. The tears stung the back of his eyes again. 

“We will cross that bridge when we need to. In the meantime, take a deep breath. Everything is going to be fine.”

“I’m not so sure this time, Wendy.” Brian’s voice came out broken and wet.

“You just have to believe, Peter.” Lindsay’s warmth caught him in his chest, and he smiled despite himself.

——

Brian sat nervously across from Dr. Stevenson. He had a file folder open with Brian’s test results inside. There was an awkward silence building between them. He knew the man was just trying to collect all the facts and determine how he would tell Brian, but that didn’t make the wait any easier.

“How are you feeling today? Any better?” Dr. Stevenson finally looked up, addressing Brian directly.

“No worse, no better.” Brian’s leg started to bounce nervously. “Can we just cut the bullshit?”

“Sorry, I figured I would ease you into it. I forgot you’re more of a rip the bandaid off kind of guy.”

“I’d rather you give it to me straight than worry about feelings.”

“Your blood work came back with an elevated white blood cell count. I would like for you to get a Chest CT done before you leave here today. That will just confirm what I already suspect.” Dr. S gave Brian a grim look before continuing. “I told you last time that your form of testicular cancer had a chance of spreading and taking root in other parts of your body. I know it’s been over a year since we cleared you, but there’s a chance that, at that time, your vascular system had an amount of cancer undetectable by our testing.”

“I know. You told me that remission didn’t mean completely gone, just that it was no longer actively detectable.” Brian sucked in his bottom lip and gave Dr. Stevenson a stony gaze. “Now, you’re saying it's detectable again and probably spread.”

“My guess is that it’s spread to your lungs or that you’ve developed lung cancer as a secondary diagnosis to the embryonal carcinoma.” Dr. Stevenson responded, his eyes soft and sympathetic. “We won’t know for sure until after the results of your CT scan and a lung biopsy.”

“What kind of prognosis am I looking at this time?” Brian whispered, barely able to get the words out past the heaviness in his chest.

“With lung cancer, your prognosis drops to about 60%, even lower if it’s in an advanced stage.” Dr. S reached forward as if to grab Brian’s hand, but he pulled himself back.

“Okay. Great. Let’s do that scan, and I’ll be on my way.” Brian needed to get out of this small, cramped office before he exploded.

“Brian, I understand you need time to process this, but please don’t bury your head in the sand.” Dr. Stevenson called after him. “I will call you when I have the results of your scan.”

With that, Brian left his office and walked over to the diagnostic center next door. An hour later, he was with Emmett and Gus, eating his weight in chocolate chip cookies and denying that anything was wrong.

Chapter Text

Justin was running late, which meant that he’d likely run into more people than he wanted to at the Sidney Bloom Gallery when he went to drop off his work. Typically, Justin would go right when the gallery opened or right before it closed. This allowed him to get in and out without having to face anyone aside from Lindsay Peterson-Marcus, the curator of the gallery. 

He loved interactions with her because they were centered on art and nothing else. Occasionally, she would try to pry into his life, but one look from him would stop her short every time. Lindsay knew when to push him and when to leave him well enough alone. Justin knew that she had a wife and two little kids – a boy and a girl, but hadn’t bothered to learn their names. What was the point if he didn’t regularly socialize with them?

That didn’t mean Lindsay didn’t try to push Justin out of his comfort zone a few times a year. He’d been producing art for her gallery for the past 6 years, having been discovered by her thanks to a piece he’d done for the lady at the diner. Justin didn’t interact with anyone, and he definitely didn’t go out to social events. Not since he was in high school. But Lindsay still tried by inviting him to dinner at her place at least once a year and an invite to her family’s Christmas celebrations, saying that no one deserved to be alone during the holidays. Justin always turned her down.

But today, today was different. He should’ve known that nothing was going to go as planned when he overslept and then somehow missed his Uber ride, which he still had to pay for. It was freezing cold outside, it being the week before Christmas. And Justin had forgotten his gloves and hat inside his apartment, along with his apartment key he soon realized. He stomped his feet and cursed himself for being the epitome of a hot mess. So, despite wanting to go back into his apartment and calm down, waiting until closing time at the gallery, he couldn’t.

Against his better judgment, Justin decided to walk down the block to the corner where he could catch the crosstown bus. It wasn’t his chosen form of transportation because it typically brought on an anxiety attack by the time he reached his destination, wherever that might be. And with him already being on high alert because of his sequence of unfortunate events, Justin knew he was going to be the worst he’d been since his release from the rehab hospital almost a decade ago.

Sure enough, by the time the bus dropped Justin off with his portfolio of paintings, he was struggling to catch his breath. His chest was tight, and his vision was swimming, but he knew that if he didn’t walk half a block to the gallery, he’d have a full-on attack on the street, which wasn’t ideal. Justin took out his headphones and phone to turn on the Lord of the Rings soundtrack. The music was loud and boisterous enough to drown out the outside world and helped to center his thoughts – usually. But, today he was worse than usual, and so his typical tricks weren’t working.

By the time he stepped into the gallery, Justin had to collapse against the wall just inside the door. His portfolio fell to the floor and the paintings scattered out of it. Justin didn’t care, his vision was getting smaller and his chest tighter. He balled his hands into fists in the hopes that the pain of his nails against his palm would regulate him. The music coming through his headphones was barely audible over the pounding of his heartbeat. This was the worst attack he’d had in years. He couldn’t see them, but Justin’s other senses picked up on patrons of the gallery converging on him, asking him if he was okay.

Then the voice of an angel rang out, and Justin tightened his balled-up fists and closed his eyes completely. Being able to drown out the noise around him would help him get his breathing back on track. The voice was telling everyone to go back to what they’d been doing and to leave Justin alone. While he appreciated it, the people weren’t listening, and Justin wasn’t able to drown out the noise around him like he needed. One person reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

Justin pushed himself back further against the wall, trying to escape the touch, but he couldn’t. He was already as far as the wall would let him go, but the touch was still there. His chest tightened so much that he couldn’t take a breath anymore without it hurting. At this point, Justin did the only thing he could to make people leave him alone: he curled up into a ball with his arms in front of his face. Squeezing his eyes shut and making his body as small as it would go helped tremendously with drowning everything out and pushing people away. The touch to his shoulder disappeared, and along with it Justin’s inability to catch his breath.

After what seemed like ages, Justin’s brain quieted down, and his breathing returned to normal. He felt less trapped. His vision started to come back, evidenced by the stars appearing behind his eyelids because of how tightly he had them closed. Tentatively, Justin opened his eyes. He remained in his curled-up position on the floor, but his arms were no longer in front of his face. Instead, they lay limply out in front of him. From his vantage point, he could see a couple of feet moving about the gallery, and a few voices remained muffled overhead. He took his headphones off as he slowly sat up.

The room was empty except for Lindsay, a small boy, and some man he’d never seen before. The man must be known to Lindsay and the boy because the child was hanging off of him like a jungle gym, and Lindsay had her hand on his bicep, featuring a concerned look in her eyes. Justin took a few more minutes to level out his breathing before he attempted to stand up. While he sat on the floor, his eyes combed the area, trying to find his art. Panic started to set in again when he realized his portfolio was missing. He must’ve made some kind of noise because suddenly Lindsay was kneeling on the ground a few feet from him.

“Jus, are you okay?” Lindsay’s voice dripped with concern. “I’ve never seen you have one that bad before.”

“Just a bad day.” Justin brushed off her concern, embarrassed but not wanting to show it. “Where is my portfolio?”

“Don’t worry. Brian helped me pick everything up when you collapsed.” Lindsay motioned to the man behind her. “I put everything in your studio space.”

Justin struggled to his feet but made a motion to tell Lindsay he didn’t want her to touch him just yet. His brain was still a little on edge, and even the tiniest of touches could set him off once more. Once he was on his feet, he forced what he hoped was a reassuring smile in her direction. Then, he moved beyond the front gallery space to the series of rooms to the back. He wanted to be in his studio space as soon as possible to avoid any more attacks.

As he breached the doorway to his studio space, Justin paused to listen in on what Lindsay was saying. 

“Don’t take it personally. He doesn’t talk to anyone. I’m honestly surprised he even spoke to me. Most days, he won’t.”

Justin licked his lips, walked further into his studio, and shut the door. He was going to have to call his landlord at some point to get his door unlocked, but he knew now wasn’t the time for that. He needed some time to himself and his paintbrushes, making art. Ever since he was attacked at his senior prom, Justin had found his anxiety could only be helped by a prescription of Xanax and frequent opportunities to paint. 

He pulled out a fresh new canvas, squirted some paint onto a board, and got started. He had no idea what he was going to make, but he knew he wanted to paint something. To ease his mind even further, he switched from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack to his favorite audiobook, Street Lamp of Destiny by Peter James. Something about the reader's voice and the story of a person lost and lonely finding connection always put his mind at ease. It was something that kept him going on his worst days, the faint hope that maybe someday he too would find love under a lonely street lamp. 

Pretty soon, Justin was lost in his art completely. He didn’t know what he was painting, just that his brain was firing enough to recognize that it was perfect. He didn’t even hear when the door to his studio opened, and someone stepped into his space. It wasn’t until the audiobook paused between chapters that his brain registered a presence. Justin quickly took one of his earbuds out, pressed pause on his phone, and turned around. He was certain he had paint all over himself, but when he came face to face with the small boy from earlier, and the kid giggled, he knew for certain there was paint everywhere.

“You have purple on your forehead!” The boy pointed and giggled. 

Justin quickly and silently assessed his mental bearings before he smiled at the boy and responded. “Hazards of being an artist.”

It surprised him a bit that the presence of this child didn’t set off his alarm bells, which were on higher alert than normal thanks to the events of the day so far. But, looking down at this little boy with brunet hair that curled slightly at the ends, Justin found he was more at ease than he usually was around people. Unfortunately, that would soon be his downfall as Lindsay came searching for the boy.

“Gus!” Lindsay’s voice preceded her as she came upon Justin’s studio door.

Justin raised his eyebrows at the kid and winked at him. Gus covered his mouth with his hand as he let out a little giggle.

“I’m so sorry, Jus. I told him not to come back here. I was discussing care arrangements with his father, and he just slipped away.” Lindsay looked overwhelmed and upset all at once. “Come along, Gus. Let’s leave him alone.”

Without even thinking about his next words, Justin addressed Lindsay, “If you are still talking to his dad, Gus is welcome to stay here and watch me paint.”

“No, Justin, really. It’s okay. I know you prefer to be left alone.” Lindsay smiled.

“Don’t worry about it. I kind of like him.” Justin shrugged and handed a brush to Gus, “You wanna help me?”

Gus’s eyes lit up, and he bounced on the balls of his feet. “Really?! Mommy never lets me paint with her! But I’m a real good artist! I promise.”

Justin tucked in his lips and smiled down at the small child. Then, against his better judgment, he squatted down to get on Gus’s level. “You want to know a secret?”

Gus nodded, his eyes big in awe of Justin.

“Everyone can be an artist if they want to be.” With a wink, Justin stood up and found one of his extra ratty shirts lying around. He put it on over Gus’ clothes, gave him a chair to stand on and let the kid paint whatever he wanted onto the canvas he was already almost done with.

“Justin.” Lindsay objected. He turned to face her with a questioning look, “Well, now he’s ruined it.”

Just as Justin was about to reply, the man from before came walking up. He didn’t say a word, just observed his son painting. 

Hearing his mom’s words, Gus stopped. He turned to Justin with tears in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin it.”

Justin quickly turned back to Gus. “You didn’t. I told you to paint whatever you want. I think it looks so much better now than it did before.”

Lindsay sounded as though she wanted to object, but Justin turned around and gave her a stern look. “We are fine here.”

The man, Brian, Justin’s brain reminded him, took Lindsay by the arm and gently pulled her away, back toward the front of the building. Justin could feel his heartbeat return to normal, not sure when it had ticked up a few paces. With a deep breath, he turned to Gus and started asking him questions about where he thought Justin should add paint next. An hour later, the two stood back from the painting, and the finished product took Justin’s breath away. 

Gus might be younger than 10, but his marks on Justin’s canvas had been precise and well thought out. He’d been painting with magenta and indigo, and those accents added to the top left corner of the canvas had given the painting–that Justin now realized was a nightscape– depth and dimension.

“Fantastic job, kiddo. I better watch out. You might steal my spotlight.” Justin smiled and winked at Gus to reassure him it wasn’t serious.

“Gus, Daddy is ready to leave. Let’s go.” Lindsay was back. This time, she had walked into the studio space completely.

She had Gus by the hand but wasn’t leaving. Instead, she was staring at the canvas before her. A look of recognition and amusement coated her face.

“Hey, Bri. Come here and see this.” Lindsay called over her shoulder.

Brian was soon standing in the doorway to the studio. Now that Justin was completely calm, he could take the time and really take in who this Brian person was. Before him stood a man slightly older than Justin, or so he assumed based on the small amount of wrinkles by his eyes. His skin was slightly tanned, as if he had just spent a day in the sun. His hair was the same shade as Gus’ and his eyes were the same as well. Brian was slightly taller than Justin and his frame was much more toned, but also smaller than the blond as well. All in all, he was the most beautiful man Justin had ever laid eyes on. 

The only thing off about him was the mask he wore over his nose and mouth like he’d come from the hospital or something. Justin wondered what that was about, especially considering he was the only person wearing one. There was definitely a story there, but not one Justin felt brave enough to ask about.

Justin watched as Brian’s eyes cut from Justin to the canvas beyond him. Brian’s face went from impassive to amazed quicker than Justin could have ever imagined. The man stepped cautiously into the space, not as far as Lindsay but still a few steps beyond the doorway.

“You painted all this today?” Brian’s voice sounded awestruck.

“As if you haven’t written pages upon pages of text in a day.” Lindsay jokingly scoffed.

“If you want to compare our crafts equally, I would have to write an entire novel in a day, which I cannot do,” Brian responded hastily, without taking his eyes off the canvas.

Justin desperately wanted to know what Brian was thinking, but instead of expanding any of his thoughts into sentences, he motioned for Gus to follow him and left the room. Justin felt like he’d just been treated to a good dose of whiplash. Lindsay remained next to him, still staring at the canvas. Finally, hoping he’d get some answer to what had just transpired, Justin turned to the blonde woman.

“What is so significant about my painting?” Justin asked Lindsay, turning to stare at it as well.

“Nothing, really. It just reminded me of a section of Carnegie Mellon’s campus. That’s why I called Brian in. We went to college there together a million years ago.” Lindsay smiled and gently touched Justin's arm.

Then, before Justin could add anything to the conversation, she continued. “Next week is Christmas, and I know you never accept my offers, but this year, you’ve seemed especially lonely, so I thought I would invite you over. It’ll just be my wife, Gus, and our daughter, J.R. Maybe Brian, but it depends on how he feels.”

Justin tried to pick apart all that she had just said to him. But, his brain was settled on one thing. There was a chance that if he went to this small Christmas get-together, he’d get to lay eyes on the gorgeous Brian again. So many of his thoughts were screaming at him to deny Lindsay for the hundredth time, but his mouth didn’t cooperate.

“Sure, I’ve got nothing better to do.” Justin shrugged, grabbed his brushes, and carried them over to the sink in the back corner to wash them.

“Do my ears betray me, or did Justin ‘the reclusive artist’ Taylor just say okay to an invitation to my house?” Lindsay gasped in delight.

“I can always rescind my RSVP.” Justin turned to look over his shoulder and chuckled. “You caught me on a bad day, which is a good day for you. My walls are down.”

“Please don’t! I promise this is going to be extremely lowkey.” Lindsay rushed to reply. She gave him a smile and then stepped toward his planning desk. He knew she was simply writing down the details for her invitation, but his heart pounded a bit, knowing she was close enough to snoop through his idea notebook should she decide to.

“Here. I wrote down my address and what time you should arrive. Don’t worry about a dress code. Nor do you need to bring anything besides yourself.” Lindsay showed him a piece of paper in her hand before she set it down next to his paint board.

Justin smiled and gave a nod of understanding.

“See you then.” They both said at the same time before Lindsay made a beeline for the door and left him alone to his thoughts. 

The gallery would be open for at least 2 more hours, Justin realized when he was able to check the clock on his phone. He set about cleaning up his workspace and moved the canvas to the front far corner where his art from a few days ago also sat. Then, he set about taking out his portfolio offerings and placing them on the shelving provided to him. Luckily, none of them had been ruined too badly when he’d dropped the folder earlier in a panic. 

Once everything seemed put together nicely enough, Justin gathered his things and Lindsay’s address and turned off the light on his way out the door. Once the door latched, he pulled out his key and locked it. Because of the holiday season, Justin didn’t see himself coming back again until after the start of the new year, so he had to ensure his work would remain intact and unbothered.

A week later, Justin found himself holding a small bunch of flowers that he’d picked up for Lindsay and Melanie, a wrapped gift for Gus, and a bottle of red wine in a bag. Lindsay might’ve said that he didn’t need to bring anything but himself, but he was raised never to come to a get-together empty-handed. Besides, he loved being able to give to others during the season of such acts. 

He stood on their doorstep, anxious to press the doorbell. He was wearing his favorite dark blue cardigan pullover sweater with a light blue button-down underneath it and his nicest pair of jeans. Justin had hoped the clothes would help him feel more comfortable with the first social gathering he’d been to since before he was attacked. Unfortunately, it didn’t do enough to stave off the tightness that was forming in his chest. Before he could pluck up the courage to ring the doorbell, the front door swung open to reveal Gus.

“Hey! You’re the guy from the gallery. You let me paint with you!” Gus exclaimed before he grabbed at Justin’s hand, effectively pulling him inside.

“Momma Mel! Mommy! Look who’s here!” Gus yelled as he directed Justin toward what he assumed was the kitchen of their small, quaint home.

“Gus Peterson-Marcus.” A petite woman with reddish brown hair gave the boy a stern look, “There is no need to yell. Inside voice. Please.”

“Hello, Justin. I’m glad you could make it.” Lindsay turned around, a pitcher of something creamy looking in her hand. “Eggnog?” She lifted up the pitcher in question.

Justin shook his head. Then, remembering he had flowers and wine for them, he handed the offerings to the two women. “I brought some wine and flowers.” 

He bit his lip and then turned to Gus, “This is for you.”

“Gus, go put it under the tree. We will open gifts later,” the woman Justin assumed was named Mel said to Gus with that stern look once more.

“Momma Mel, is Daddy coming too?” Gus asked, returning empty-handed from the room he and Justin had just walked through.

“Not sure,” Mel shrugged. She looked toward Lindsay. “Did Brian tell you one way or another?”

“He was exhausted when I went by his house to bring him soup yesterday. He said that he would make a decision when he woke up.” Lindsay shrugged, taking the flowers and placing them in a vase.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. Gus squealed with excitement and launched himself toward the door. 

“Gus! Be gentle. You know your dad is sick.” Lindsay called after him.

Justin stood where he was and glanced around. He wasn’t sure what he should be doing but also didn’t want to make things awkward by asking. Lindsay stepped forward and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, able to sense his unease. 

“You can go relax on the couch. Mel and I are finishing up dinner. I’m sure Gus will drag you into something eventually.” She smiled at him in a way that eased his mind.

A few moments later, Gus had returned, dragging the gorgeous man from the gallery behind him. Justin smiled to himself at the sight of Brian’s piercing, beautiful eyes. Once again, the man was wearing a face mask. Unlike the last time Justin had seen him, this time Brian looked exhausted and haggard. Justin jumped into action. He moved down the couch to make room for the brunet.

“Here, you can sit next to me. I promise I don’t bite.” Justin gave a nervous smile.

“Daddy! Come on! I wanna show you my new train set!” Gus pulled on Brian’s arm some more, but the older man persisted.

Justin pulled out his phone and pretended to be occupied with it while the awkward father-and-son exchange took place in front of him. Partially because he didn’t want Brian to think he was snooping but also because he could feel his anxiety rising at the thought of Brian thinking he was snooping. Justin shifted so he could also grab his headphones out of his pocket. Once the device was nestled properly in his ears, Justin turned on the audiobook for Street Lamp of Destiny. He was almost to the book’s climax, for the millionth time, and so he knew it would properly distract him from the events going on around him.

Justin allowed himself to get lost in the struggles of young Andy as he worked hard to come back from his attack. While this character was a mid-20s gay man who worked as a teacher, Justin couldn’t help but understand and connect with his story. It was as if the writer knew exactly what it felt like to be brought to the brink of death and then have to claw your way back. On top of that, Justin loved the character Neil because his gruff nature was a wall to protect the extremely kind heart he held inside. All in all, this book was a beautiful love story and shone much brighter than the other two books in the series, which chose to focus more on Neil than on Andy and Neil together.

Without realizing it, some time must’ve passed because a gentle hand landed on Justin’s shoulder, startling him out of his thoughts. He looked up and saw Brian standing a bit back from him. It was as if the brunet had tapped his shoulder and then completely backed away from him. As if he knew Justin was not someone who handled physical contact very well. As if he’d been told by someone who knew. Lindsay . 

Justin gave a forced smile, put his phone away, and removed the headphones from his ears. He stood up from the couch and walked toward the back side of the house, which he assumed was where he would find Lindsay and her wife, Mel. He didn’t say a word, much less acknowledge Brian’s existence. He found the man attractive, but that wasn’t enough to let his steel-framed walls down for even the smallest of interactions. 

“Linds, can I have a word with you?” Justin mumbled as soon as he came upon the gallery manager in the dining room.

“Sure.” She gave a smile and handed over the plate of food she was handling to Brian, who was just behind Justin.

The two walked down a hallway until they came upon an office space. It looked as though Lindsay’s wife was a lawyer or something since most of the texts in this room were legal in nature. Justin took a deep breath and stared at the wall opposite him to center himself before he turned to address his boss and sort-of friend.

“I would appreciate it if you didn’t go around blabbing about me to people I barely know.” Justin held his gaze steady despite the voice in his head screaming for him to stare at the floor.

“Justin,” Lindsay started but then paused. “I am sorry. I simply told Brian to be gentle when he alerted you that dinner was ready. I didn’t say anything else. I promise.”

Justin bit the inside of his cheek as he considered Lindsay's words. It made him uneasy that Brian somehow seemed to read him better than a book.

“Brian is one of those quiet but observant people. He might’ve just picked up on the distance you put between yourself and others. I’m sure he just wanted to be respectful.” Lindsay had a twinkle in her eye as she looked Justin up and down. He wasn’t sure what she was playing at, but he was certain he wouldn’t end up liking it.

“You know, I don’t feel comfortable with people knowing things about me,” Justin whispered as he moved his gaze to his feet, as the voice had wanted him to this whole time.

“I know.” Lindsay’s voice was kind, gentle, and warm. It reminded Justin of his mom, which made his heart pang with sadness. He could barely handle visits with his mom anymore. Justin realized that he needed to make a visit to see her.

“Thank you.” Justin looked up at her and tried to give his best smile.

“Let’s go have some delicious food. I apologize in advance for Gus, who will probably talk your ear off. Ever since you let him paint, he’s been eager to have his own easel and brushes.” Lindsay smiled and directed Justin to follow her back to the dining room.

When they arrived, the only open seats were the one next to and across from Brian. Lindsay immediately dropped into the one across from the older man because it was between her wife and son. At the ends of the table sat J.R. in her booster seat and Mel. Justin took a subtle but deep breath as he steeled himself for the conversation that was bound to proceed. He could remember a time when family dinners like this were the center of his universe and something he loved. Now, he abhorred them.

Right on cue, Gus lit up the minute Justin sat down. “Justin!”

The blond smiled at the younger boy and took a bowl from the center of the table to ladle some green beans onto his plate. He felt awkward being the only one at the table who didn’t seem happy to be there, but no one was going to be rude enough to call him out for his discomfort.

“Hey,” Justin mumbled as he took the turkey platter from Lindsay and used the tongs to add some to his plate.

“Gus, sit politely. Please. This isn’t a gymnastics gym.” Mel gave the excited young boy a stern look. He put his hands in his lap and stopped bouncing in his seat.

But he couldn’t be stopped from wiggling and smiling over at his dad and then at Justin. “Momma Mel said I can’t paint in the house. Could I come paint with you at Mommy’s studio again sometime?” 

Gus’ gaze on Justin would have normally sent him into a panic, but something about this child put Justin at ease. Little kids weren’t really scary or possessors of fear, so naturally, Justin found himself able to release the tension in his shoulders and open up to him.

“Sure, as long as your mommy schedules it with me.” Justin gave Gus one of his warmest, most open smiles. It was something he wasn’t familiar with anymore. In fact, his smile used to be his defining feature, but after he was bashed, he rarely found a reason to smile.

“Are you like Daddy?” Gus asked Justin innocently. 

“Umm. I'm not sure what you mean.” Justin looked to Lindsay for help, but she shrugged her shoulders as well.

“He’s always working but sometimes lets me help,” Gus explained in that naturally flippant child voice, as if adults were all idiots for not understanding. “He gets mad at his boss sometimes when he bothers him a lot. When that happens, Daddy lets me tell him a story that he can add to his chapter. He says the editor is so stupid he probably wouldn’t know the difference.”

Brian snorted into his plate as Lindsay gasped, and Mel exclaimed, “Brian!”

Justin ducked his own head to hide that he was laughing at Gus’ statement. As he tried to normalize his breathing and straighten his face, Justin felt the sensation of something wet and mushy hit his cheek. He looked up and found that J.R. had flung some of her sweet potatoes at him.

“YAY!” J.R. threw up her hands and squealed in excitement.

“Jenny Rebecca!” Mel turned her ire toward her daughter instead of Brian. “We don’t ever throw our food.”

“It’s fine.” Justin tried to placate the irritated mother. “Trust me, I’m used to little sisters.” He winked at Gus in understanding.

“Oh, you have a sister?” Lindsay took the subject change for what it was.

“I do. She’s in high school. Almost graduated now. There are ten years between us,” Justin explained as he used a napkin to wipe the sweet potatoes from his cheek.

“I had no idea,” Lindsay muttered. I am stuck with an older sister from hell, which Brian and I have commiserated over many times.”

Justin looked quizzically between the brunet and blonde as they shared a conspiratorial look.

“Lindsay and I met at Carnegie Mellon University ages ago,” Brian stepped in to explain. Justin just now noticed he had taken his face mask off and placed it next to his plate on the table. “One of the reasons we became fast friends was because we both came from families that were hateful toward our ‘lifestyles.’ Then we found out we had stuck-up, pretentious do-gooders for sisters, and it was official. Wendy and I bonded and never looked back.”

Justin shook his head, “I don’t think I’d know what to do if my whole family was critical of who I am.”

“It’s just something you deal with when you’re gay.” Brian shrugged and turned back to his food. “But, if you’re smart enough, you develop a thick skin and don’t let it get to you.”

“I don’t know. Not everyone hates us.” Justin was so enamored with the conversation topic that he didn’t have time to worry about how much of himself he was revealing to these people he barely knew and definitely didn’t quite trust yet. “My mom and sister have always been great to me.”

“Wow! Call the press.” Brian snarked. Lindsay must’ve given him a non-verbal cue of some kind because he immediately dialed back. “I mean, sure, there are some people who are nice about it, but most folks hate the very idea of someone who is gay.”

Justin and Brian’s eyes locked, and for a moment, the rest of the world fell away. For the first time in his life, Justin felt an instant connection to this man he knew nothing about. With a shake of his head, Justin decided it was time to take the focus off of him.

“Anyway. So, Brian, you’re a writer?” Justin ducked his head down and took a bite, not waiting for Brian’s response.

“I am,” Brian admitted shortly, not expanding on the subject any further.

“He’s written three novels and is working on his fourth.” Lindsay gushed enthusiastically. “I’ve always told him that if he’d chosen to create art, I would be his promoter, but since it’s books, I can’t confidently help his career. But that doesn’t mean I don’t support him in every way I can.”

Justin didn’t reply. His brain had caught up with the situation, and it had completely frozen. He zoned out enough that he stopped hearing the tail end of whatever else Lindsay had to say about Brian’s writing.

“Justin.” Gus’ excited voice cut through and brought Justin back to the table. 

He smiled at the young boy, “What’s up?”

“I asked you if you always knew you wanted to paint.” Gus rolled his eyes and sighed in exasperation.

“Sorry,” Justin ducked his head and mumbled. The blush that appeared warmed his cheeks. 

“Sorrys are bullshit,” Brian whispered to Justin out of the side of his mouth.

“Brian! Could you not cuss in front of my kids?” Mel asked. Justin glanced up and felt Mel’s heated gaze even from a few feet away.

“Don’t get your tits in a twist, Melanie.” Brian rolled his eyes.

“To answer your question, Gus.” Justin cut in, stopping the argument that was brewing before it started. “I have always loved drawing. But, when I was in high school, I got hurt, and so my art became limited to just painting.”

“Are you sick?” Gus’ eyes swam with concern, “Daddy’s sick all the time now. I can’t play with him like I used to. Is that what happened to you?”

Justin felt his heart aching at the pure innocence of Gus’ question. He was almost certain that his injury was nowhere near as devastating as whatever illness Brian was dealing with. He wasn’t about to pry deeper, though, and chose to answer the curious kid honestly.

“I don’t think so, buddy.” Justin took a deep breath to quiet the dark thoughts in his head, begging him to go home. That he’d done enough socializing for the next month. “I was injured and had to have surgery and then relearn how to use my hand.”

Justin couldn’t bear to look at anyone aside from Gus, but he could feel the heat of the other adults’ gazes.

“Oh.” Gus looked solemn as he thought over what Justin had said, “My Daddy had to have surgery when I was little like J.R.”

The young boy then turned to Brian, “Daddy, was your surgery like Justin’s?”

Brian bit his lip and seemed to be mulling over how he would respond to this latest barrage of questions.

“I had a completely different surgery, Sonny Boy. Mine was to get rid of a tumor. Justin’s was to fix his nerves, I’m assuming.” He looked over at Justin for confirmation, and the blond nodded.

Cancer. Brian had cancer. These thoughts circled Justin’s mind as he made eye contact with Brian once more. The more he sat here and learned about Brian, the more he found himself admiring him. This was a man who could’ve easily given up and let the cancer take over his life, but instead, he wrote books and made time for his son. All in all, from what Justin could see, Brian was a kind man who mostly kept to himself as a precaution.

“Justin, do you like boys?” Gus suddenly asked after a lull had settled over the table. “Momma Mel and Mommy like girls that’s why they are married. Daddy likes boys, but he doesn’t have anyone.”

Brian coughed from having choked on a piece of bread he’d been eating when Gus had decided to drop his bomb.

“Umm.” Justin stalled, not that he hid his homosexuality, just that he wasn’t sure how to express himself to this precocious child.

“Justin, you don’t have to answer that.” Lindsay smiled at him. “Gus, you can’t just ask that question.”

“Why not? You and Momma Mel love each other. Daddy loves boys, but just not right now. And Uncle Mikey loves Uncle Ben. So, why can’t I ask Justin?”

Justin tucked in his lips and smiled. How could he possibly find fault in a child just trying to understand the new adult in his life?

“I like boys,” Justin answered with another warm smile to Gus. “I just…” He didn’t know how to finish that qualifying statement, so he simply let it taper off.

“I know!” Gus jumped up from his chair, almost knocking over his glass of apple juice in the process. “You should love my Daddy! He likes boys but doesn’t have one. You like boys and don’t have one either.” Gus looked about ready to burst from excitement at what he felt was a genius idea.

“Gus, baby, that’s not how things work,” Lindsay replied gently.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief that Lindsay was saving him from this highly uncomfortable situation he seemed to have backed himself into.

“I appreciate the assist, Sonny Boy, but Daddy is perfectly fine with how things are.” Brian forced a smile, and even in that, Justin could see a tinge of sadness in his eyes.

Part of Justin was intrigued by the subtle sadness of this man he barely knew. There were so many things he wanted to ask Brian, but his own shortcomings kept him from voicing any of them aloud. Instead, Justin ducked his head back to his plate and shoved some food in his mouth so he wouldn’t have to talk.

“But, Mommy!” Gus continued to whine, “Daddy lives all alone, and I know how sad I am when I don’t have any friends around.”

“Gus, I have friends. You know, Uncle Mikey and Uncle Ben, they are my friends. Your moms are my friends. And then there is Auntie Em and Uncle Ted.” Brian gave a genuine smile that Justin noticed completely hid the sadness from earlier.

“But, but, but they don’t live with you.” Gus threw his arms out in triumph as if he felt he’d just won his argument.

Justin closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and finally spoke up despite wanting to do nothing more than run away. “Gus. I know you mean well, but I do best living alone. And while I don’t know your Daddy very well I would assume he feels the same way. Some people like to live alone; it makes them happy.”

“Exactly. Thank you, Justin.” Lindsay smiled at Justin and then turned to Gus and wrapped her arm around him.

Gus didn’t seem to like the answer, but his questions stopped, and he once again focused on the food on his plate. Justin missed the carefree innocence of childhood. How at one moment something could feel like life or death, and then the next it’s on to the next thing. Gus seemed like the kind of child who found joy in everything and wanted those he cared about to be happy. It showed in how strongly he’d advocated for Brian and Justin to be together. All so his Daddy wouldn’t be lonely. Justin smiled to himself at that thought.

Some time later, Justin was sitting in the living room on the couch once more but was wishing he could make an exit. He kept glancing at his phone as the time ticked closer and closer to when he usually went to bed. It was one of the things he’d learned to do to keep his panic attacks at bay. If he kept to a strict schedule, there was less of a chance for something to trigger his anxiety. However, this dinner excursion was drifting further and further away from the allotted time he’d prepared himself for. His chest started to tighten up with each passing second. He needed to get out of here before he fell completely apart. But, Lindsay had insisted he stay for Gus to open the gift he’d brought for him.

“Gus! We have a gift for you from Mr. Justin. Do you want to open it?” Lindsay stood in the living room doorway and yelled. The sudden burst of sound caused Justin to jump and then curl further in on himself.

“COMING!” Gus screeched from wherever he was in the small home. 

J.R. ran into the living room with a loud young child’s squeal of excitement. Justin curled his arms even tighter around himself and closed his eyes. He silently told himself to breathe in and out at a steady pace. He was no longer aware of what was going on around him. Until a gentle hand landed on his shoulder once again. Despite it making him startle, Justin recognized it as the same touch as before. Brian.

“Hey, you okay?” Brian was sitting near Justin on the couch, but not too close that he felt closed in.

Justin tried to speak, but the pathway from his brain to his vocal chords seemed broken. After a few moments of trying, he gave up and gave Brian a stiff nod, still not making direct eye contact.

Then, Gus was there, and Justin felt the walls closing in. Between J.R.’s squeals of excitement and general childlike exuberance and Gus’s louder-than-life personality, Justin reached the end of his rope. He stood up suddenly and, without even bothering with goodbye, grabbed his jacket next to the door and ran out of the house. The cool night air helped to refocus his mind and keep his body from sinking into a full panic. As he walked up the block toward the direction of his own apartment, Justin told himself he would text Lindsay later to apologize for his rude departure.

So much for being a social person. Justin had thought after nearly a decade he was ready to try doing these kinds of events again. But, of course, it had been a disaster from start to finish. Justin felt tears building up as he silently berated himself for being such an epic failure at life. 

Why can’t I just spend time with people like a normal person?

With a sniff and a quick swipe at his face to get rid of the tears that had escaped, Justin looked around to gauge where he was. After a moment of panic, he realized he’d subconsciously walked to his mom’s neighborhood. In fact, he was now standing on the sidewalk in front of her condo. Justin steeled himself for whatever this interaction would be and then walked up the path to her front door.

He rang the doorbell and waited. Out of habit, Justin shoved his hands into fists in his jacket pockets and bit the inside of his cheek while he waited for someone to open the door. When it did, the blonde woman standing in the porch light looked nervous. Once she realized who was standing there, her face morphed into overwhelming joy. She immediately wrapped Justin up in a warm embrace.

“Oh, Justin! It’s so good to see you. Merry Christmas. Come inside!” Her words flowed out of her faster than Justin could process and respond. So, instead, he held on tight to her.

Once they pulled out of the hug, Justin gave her a crooked smile. “Hey, mom. It’s good to see you.”

Chapter Text

Post-Christmas and New Year’s was always a crap shot if Brian was being honest. The world seems to collectively pause for an entire week, making the days after it a shit show for people in a variety of industries. It also meant that without fail, his publisher, editor, or both would call him and push him to do more.

Last year was the moment they really started to push him to start his fourth book. This year, they were still going for that but also trying to make it sound like they were compassionate about his health struggles. The lung cancer was being treated right now with chemotherapy, but Brian knew that this was only just the beginning. It had been five months since that fateful day in which his doctor told him he had lung cancer. They had very quickly put him under the knife to both try and remove as much of it as they could while also testing to see if it was a relapse of his previous cancer spread to another part of his body or lung cancer independent of prior cancer.

It ended up being small cell carcinoma. Good ole Jack Kinney's genes coursing through his veins had led him to the disease that killed the bastard. Dr. Stevenson had told him that the most likely cause of this bout with cancer was a combination of his previous history of smoking and the fact his own father had died from lung cancer that had spread and metastasized. Brian thought he couldn’t hate his father more than he already did. Then, the verdict was rendered, and he cursed his genetics for weeks after.

Now, he was in the thick of his chemotherapy appointments. Dr. Stevenson was extremely hopeful that with his tumor removal and the chemotherapy, Brian would be cancer-free again by summer. The brunet chose to err on the side of caution instead and expect that he’d be in this for the long haul again.

These thoughts were why he was morosely trudging through the snow that blanketed all of Pittsburgh to arrive at the cancer clinic for his latest chemotherapy treatment. His cough was still persisting despite the tumors being removed. Only now was the movement painful since his body was still healing and recovering. With a genuine smile toward the head nurse, he checked in for his appointment. A quick sweep of the room told Brian that the regular suspects were all there to enjoy the drug of choice. He looked around until he spotted a familiar blonde head and smiled to himself.

The nurse directed him to pick a seat and told him that his treatment would be delivered soon. Brian sat in the empty chair next to the blonde woman he had spotted earlier. She was already hooked up, her sweater bulging a bit at the shoulder where her port was located. Brian gave her a quick smile as he got settled in and unzipped the hoodie he wore for treatment days because it gave easy access to his own port.

“Hello, Jen. How was your Christmas?” Brian made small talk with his neighbor as the nurse brought over his IV bag and got him set up.

“It was lovely. I got a nice surprise when my son showed up to visit.” Jen’s smile radiated from her head to her toes. Brian wasn’t sure how she could remain so bubbly despite the poison coursing through her body. “Plus, Molly’s boyfriend Ted came over for pie. He’s such a sweet kid. What about you? Did you get to see Gus?”

Brian smirked at her long answer and leaned his head back against the chair. As the nurse started up his delivery, Brian closed his eyes and waited for the initial sting. He knew Jen was waiting for an answer, but he also knew that she would wait until he was ready. They’d both been doing this chemo game together the last few months. She had breast cancer, so hers was a slightly different cocktail. Regardless, they both knew the first moments of the drug hitting your system were never pleasant.

“Yeah.” Brian finally responded. “His moms invited me over to their house for a very low-key dinner on Christmas Eve. It was nice getting to see him and his half-sister, J.R. I just wish I hadn’t been so tired.”

“I bet he was just glad to have you there. Whether you were able to be present or not.” Jen responded in that motherly way she was prone to do. “Kids that age are easy to please.”

Brian sighed and turned his head to make eye contact with the older woman. “You’re right. Gus is the easiest kid I know. I sometimes wonder how we got so lucky with him. He is eight, and yet sometimes I feel he’s more mature than I am.” 

Brian smiled at the thought of his son.

“My son was an easy baby, so my ex and I got lulled into a false sense of comfort. Then he hit the toddler years, and it was as if a tornado constantly took up residence in our home. Thankfully, by the time he was 8, he had discovered comic books and coloring, and he mellowed out. Which was just as well because not long after that, we had Molly, and she was never a calm child.” Jen chuckled as she turned the pages of the magazine she was sort of looking through.

“So, you got to see your son this year?” Brian tried to circle back to her earlier statement, “Do you not get to see him often?”

“Not unless I make the trip over to his apartment. My son has a hard time with other people, so he doesn’t go out as much as he used to. Because of my illness, we haven’t been able to see each other much in the last few months. But even before this, he had started to push me away.” Jen rambled on. 

Brian let her. The talking, which would normally irritate him, allowed him to forget about the nausea that was creeping up on him.

“That must be hard. I don’t know what I would do if Lindsay and Melanie wouldn’t let me see Gus. Or worse, if Gus decided he didn’t want to see me. Though, he’d have every right to feel that way, considering I wasn’t around much before he was 5.” Brian sighed and closed his eyes once more. 

His body was exhausted from overexerting himself during the holidays and not getting nearly enough sleep or rest. On this particular day, Brian was feeling especially rundown, which was why it came as no shock to him when he felt severely nauseous for the first time since his first few weeks of treatment. He’d learned the last time around that whenever he overexerted himself; he paid for it come time for treatment days. The brunet breathed deeply through his nose to avoid vomiting. 

“Are you okay?” Jen leaned forward in her chair and tried to get closer to Brian, but her IV prevented her from going too far. “You look extremely pale,” she said.

Brian kept his eyes closed, licked his lips, and subtly shook his head in the hopes that Jen would give him a minute and stop worrying so much. No such luck. That very small movement of his head caused his stomach to turn, and in moments, he was leaning over the container placed by his chair to catch vomit. When he was done, he leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes once more. The lights suddenly felt much more aggressive now that his body felt it was able to actively protest the drugs.

Brian hated vomiting, not that he thought anyone liked it, but he loathed it so much that he went out of his way to avoid it happening. The last time he’d been down the cancer road, he’d sucked on ginger candies and drank ginger ale like they were going out of style all to avoid the nausea becoming something more. Hell, he even tensed his body up whenever it felt like he might vomit in the hopes he could keep his stomach from completely revolting.

A moment later, Brian felt a bottle of water touch his elbow. He opened his eyes to see a nurse looking at him concerned. He forced a smile at her and accepted the water with a curt thank you.

“Do you need a cool cloth, Mr. Kinney?” The nurse asked, still not moving away. Brian glanced at her. She must have been new because he didn’t recognize her.

“He’s perfectly fine. Thank you for the water, dear.” Jen butted in and relieved Brian of dismissing the woman himself. 

“Thanks.” Brian glanced toward the blonde. “I was about to strangle her for being too perky and concerned.”

“I could tell. Your eyes got all stormy, and you looked ready to murder someone.” Jen laughed. “Actually, it reminded me of my son. Right after he was attacked, he would look at me like that if I ever tried to touch him in comfort.”

“I’m sorry.” Brian wasn’t sure what else to say to his cancer buddy’s statement. She was always blabbing on and on about her son, never mentioning his name. And most of the time, it was statements like that where a response was unclear. 

“Don’t be. It’s ancient history.” Jen waved her hand in dismissal, but Brian observed her as her face fell and a hint of sadness took over.

“You never say his name,” Brian commented, hoping to pull her out of whatever this was. It was unsettling to see Jen as anything but perky and happy. “I know your daughter’s name is Molly because you say it all the time, but you never say your son’s name.”

“Oh.” Jen replied, then she looked toward the door across the room, deep in thought, “I guess it’s because he’s felt lost to me for a very long time.”

“That must be hard,” Brian mumbled, his thoughts going to Gus and how he would feel if his son ever decided he didn’t want anything to do with his dear old dad.

“He doesn’t trust me. Which, I don’t blame him. My ex-husband didn’t react well when Justin, that’s his name, came out to us his senior year. I didn’t feel the same way as Craig, but I also didn’t stand up to him. Then he was attacked, and what little we had left disappeared.” Jen got sad again.

Brian reached his hand out to her and wrapped it around the hand she had sitting on her armrest. “Sounds to me he’s not completely lost if he visited you for Christmas.”

Jen gave him a forced smile and a small nod. Her eyes shone with tears. 

After that, their conversation slipped into safer topics. Brian regaled her with stories from Gus’ Christmas shenanigans. And Jen talked about her growing real estate business. Despite being treated for breast cancer, the woman was working hard to branch out on her own as a real estate agent. She was tired of working for a smaller office that took a huge chunk of her commissions. Brian liked that she seemed to be a ballbuster. In fact, he could imagine he’d be friends with Jen outside of chemo hell if their paths had crossed at any other time. 

After one particularly curse-filled tirade about her old boss, Brian chuckled and said, “You’d get along perfectly with my best friend’s mom. She’s a spitfire of a different kind, but you two would get along like peas in a pod.”

“Oh yeah?” Jen smiled, ducking her head. “Most people see me as sweet and kind; must be my WASPy upbringing.”

“Most people don’t see how driven you are. I do.” Brian sighed, his stomach starting to roll once more. “Fuck.”

As soon as the word left his mouth, he was leaned over, vomiting once more. He couldn’t see them, but he could feel Jen’s sympathetic gaze on him. When she first started coming here for treatments, she vomited almost constantly. So, she definitely knew how miserable it made you feel.

“I’m ready to be done so I can go home and sleep. I overdid it, trying to make sure Gus had a good Christmas and New Year. It was my weekend to have him, and he insisted on staying up til midnight, so I let him.”

“And now you are regretting it.” Jen nodded and hummed in understanding. “Did you drive yourself today, or is Lindsay picking you up?”

“Drove myself.” Brian groaned as his stomach rebelled a third time, and he saw more of his stomach contents. “I’ll be fine to drive home. Don’t worry.”

“Nonsense.” Jen admonished him. “Molly is picking me up. She can give you a ride, too. You can come pick up your car later when you’re feeling a bit better.”

Brian wanted to protest because he wasn’t one to rely on others. However, he’d already vomited twice during this treatment, and he already felt like death warmed over. Usually, he could avoid having an adverse reaction to the chemo until he was in the comfort of his own home. So, instead, he sighed and accepted Jen’s offer.

“Okay.” Brian paused and then added, “Thank you.”

At that point, Jen turned back to her magazine while Brian pulled out his phone to look through his emails. He had an urgent message from Roger. Upon opening it, he discovered the man wanted him to give him a call. Fuck . Brian rubbed a hand over his face. He really didn’t have the energy to deal with this today. So, instead of doing what Roger asked, he chose to ignore the email until later – much later.

“You look as though you’re regretting some life choices.” Jen cheerfully captured Brian’s attention once more. 

Brian shook his head, “What?”

“I was just saying that your face looks as though you aren’t happy about something.” Jen shrugged as she gathered up her things to go home. Brian glanced up at his own treatment and saw that he, too, was nearing the end of his cycle. “I’ll wait for you out in the lobby.”

Brian nodded and rubbed his hand down his face. Fuck. This cancer was going to be the death of him. He was certain of it. This time around, he was much more burned out by each treatment session.

A few minutes later, Brian joined Jen just outside the treatment room. He was wondering if he should change his mind and drive himself home after all when his stomach recoiled. He had to move to the bathroom across the hall quickly before he vomited all over the floor. Brian was more angry at himself than anything else as he cleaned his face and swirled some sink water through his mouth to get rid of the bile aftertaste. All he wanted was to be safely tucked away in his home, where he could vomit in peace and curl up in his bed.

He left the bathroom to find a very concerned-looking Jen standing there with a teen with strawberry-blond hair. Brian gave her a forced, reassuring smile before he turned on his tail and walked directly out of the building. He drew his coat in tightly around his body as the sharp winds of Pittsburgh winters hit his face. A warm hand landed on his shoulder. Brian looked back to see Jen on the verge of mothering him. He rolled his eyes and shrugged away from her touch.

“I’m fine. I think I’ll just call a cab.” Brian didn’t want to rely on others right now. He felt extremely exposed, which was something he hated more than anything else.

“Nonsense. Molly can drive you home.” Jen smiled at him and pulled at his arm to get him to move toward the other side of the parking lot. 

As Brian got settled in the back seat of Molly’s car, his cell phone rang. He pulled it out of his pocket, expecting it to be Roger, and was just about to ignore it when he realized it was actually Lindsay. He knew it would be in his best interest to answer it.

“Hey, Wendy.” Brian sighed into the receiver.

“Do you need me to pick you up from your treatment today?” Lindsay’s voice sounded gentle and concerned. Which meant that she was out of her mind with worry and trying to mask it.

“No, I’m getting a ride from one of my treatment friends.” Brian rubbed his eyes once more. His exhaustion was already hitting him in waves.

“Could they possibly drop you off here at the gallery? I need to discuss some things regarding Gus. I know you don’t ever feel great after treatments, but it’s a time-sensitive issue.” Brian could tell from her tone that Lindsay was holding back something that had her completely spooked.

“Sure, I can be there shortly. Don’t stress, Linds.” Brian smiled a little, even though his best friend couldn’t see it through the phone. Then, he hung up.

“Hey, is it okay if you drop me off at the Sidney Bloom Gallery?” Brian leaned forward toward the front seat.

“Are you sure, Brian? This treatment is really hitting you hard.” Jen’s voice was reminiscent of Debbie when she got into one of her tears about Brian not eating enough.

“I’m sure. My son’s mom manages the gallery, and she needs to discuss something regarding him.” Brian didn’t want to go into specifics about the nature of his relationship with Lindsay and his son. “Besides, she worries about me and my treatments more than you do, Jen. And that’s saying something.” Brian cracked a smile.

Jen smiled back and shook her head. “I just don’t want you overdoing it and ending up in the hospital with an infection or worse.”

“Yes, mother,” Brian responded sarcastically with a wink and a smirk.

“Wow. He’s worse than Justin when it comes to snark.” Molly finally spoke. Her voice was soft and melodic but with a hint of mischief.

“Brian keeps me entertained while we deal with the poison being pumped into our bodies. Plus, you haven’t seen snark until you see him make nurses cry.” Jen waggled her eyebrows.

“I don’t make nurses cry.” Brian tried to protest, but then he remembered one of their first treatment days and the young girl who teared up when he’d growled at her not to touch him.

“I’m sure Tania would disagree.” Jen looked back at him.

“Who’s Tania?” Brian responded, his eyes distracted by his phone.

“That young nurse from day 1 whom you yelled at.”

“I didn’t yell. I simply suggested she put her hands somewhere else using a strong tone.” Brian snarked again, this time with a shove of his tongue into his cheek.

“Translation, you yelled at her.” Jen’s eyes danced with mirth, but she dropped the subject entirely. “So, which one manages the gallery? Melanie or Lindsay?”

“Lindsay. She used to be quite the artist when we were in school. But then, she didn’t have enough of a voice to find anyone who would manage her or sell her art. So, for a while, she taught art. Then, after Gus was born, she became an assistant manager for Sidney Bloom. Once he retired last year, he left the place to her.” Brian wasn’t sure why he was talking so much but found he didn’t need to analyze it. Instead, he leaned into the feeling of comfort and let Jen engage him in conversation about his family.

“How old is Gus?” Molly chimed in once more.

“He’s eight going on thirty. I swear that kid is smarter than me sometimes.” Brian smiled to himself, thinking deeply of the son he adored.

“I’m glad you got to spend Christmas with him and his moms,” Jen added to the back and forth. “I’m sure he was happy to have you around.”

“I hope so,” Brian sighed. The negative thoughts about his inability to be the parent he wanted to be to Gus swirled back into his brain. His thoughts also turned to whatever Lindsay felt they needed to discuss.

Molly pulled up outside of the Sidney Bloom Gallery a moment later. Brian delicately climbed out of the car and turned back to wave at the two women. “Thank you for the ride.”

“See you soon.” Jen smiled at him as Molly pulled back out into traffic and was gone.

Brian stepped into the gallery. He hadn’t been here since that week before Christmas. Since then, Lindsay has put up a new set of paintings on display. As Brian moved closer, he could see that they were all signed by the same artist. The initials JT were molded into each colorful landscape in unique ways. He enjoyed the thrill that coursed through him as he moved from painting to painting, finding the little JT on each one. Some more hidden than others.

“Brian!” Lindsay’s voice pulled him back to his surroundings. He closed his eyes against another wave of nausea and breathed in through his nose. Once it had passed, Brian was able to turn to his dear friend and give her a smile.

“Linds!” They both embraced and kissed each other on the cheek. “How’s that son of mine?”

“He’s fine.” Lindsay bit her lip and shuffled her feet. Brian knew that it was her “I’m holding something back” tell.

“Out with it.” Brian cleared his throat, which brought the nausea back once more. He glanced around for a place to sit. 

Lindsay noticed his sweeping gaze and gently took his arm to direct him over to her office in the back of the building. “We can talk in my office.”

As they walked down the hall, Brian noticed the studio space where the young artist he’d met previously worked was open, and the blond was painting away with headphones on. Brian wished he could remember his name. Typically, Brian had a hard time remembering the names of people unless he felt their presence in his life made a difference. He’d been trying to get better at that, but his latest round with chemo had made his memory a tangled mess of yarn and mush.

Once they were both in the room, Lindsay closed the door and tried asking Brian if he needed a drink or snack. Brian knew she was stalling.

“Linds, please, whatever it is, I’d like to talk about it today so I can get back home and go to bed.” Brian sighed; no room for her usual antics.

“We took Gus to the ER last night,” Lindsay started tentatively. Brian knew she knew she’d fucked up by not telling him when it happened.

“And you didn’t call me because you lost my number.” Brian pointed his sharp, hazel eyes directly at her and dared Lindsay to blink.

“Brian, it was the middle of the night. I know the holidays were hard on you. Mel and I,” She started, but Brian cut her off.

“I know you and Mel are his full-time legal guardians, and technically, I am just the donor, but I thought we were past all this.” He heaved a breath that turned into a cough as the anger coursed through him.

Once he was able to calm down a little bit more, Brian added, “Why?”

“He had a fever of 102, which triggered a seizure. We thought it would stop on its own, but it didn’t.” Lindsay’s eyes were welling up with tears. “So, Mel and I called an ambulance, and he was rushed to the hospital.”

Brian wracked his brain for an explanation as to why his son might’ve had a seizure.

“Turns out he has some kind of infection which caused a fever. The infection, plus his fever, led to a seizure.” Lindsay breathed, her voice wet with tears. “I didn’t call you until now because I was more focused on him.”

Brian took a deep breath. “I know. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I was just worried.”

Lindsay moved closer to Brian, “He really is fine. At least, now that he’s home in bed sleeping, thanks to the meds the doctor gave him at the hospital.”

Brian grabbed Lindsay’s hand and held it tight. “So, ma, was he scared?”

“Once they got the seizure under control, he cuddled up in my arms and cried for you.” Lindsay gave him a small smile. “Once he’s infection-free, I’ll be sure he spends some time at your house.”

“You’re right. I can’t afford to catch anything from him.” Brian agreed, even though his heart was screaming for him to gather his son up in his arms right away.

“Wait, did the Brian Kinney just admit that I am right?” Lindsay’s eyes twinkled as she gave him a knowing smile and a tilt of her head.

“Don’t get used to it. I’m feeling generous today.” Brian chuckled and smirked. “Christmas was fun. Getting to see Sonny Boy light up with his gifts.”

“Mel is going to murder you, by the way. How dare you get paint for him, Brian?!” Lindsay almost screeched.

“He wanted it!” Brian argued, but even he knew that he’d been playing with fire with that gift. “Anyway, if there’s nothing more, then I need to get home.”

“Your bed calling you?” Lindsay winked. “Should I get my keys?”

“No, don’t worry. I will call a car service.” Brian waved a hand to dismiss her. “Though, I’m surprised you’re here if Gus was sick last night.”

“I had to be. Justin’s show is tonight. I needed to be here to make sure it goes off without a hitch.” Lindsay motioned toward the open door just down the hall.

Brian turned curiously toward the studio space in question. There was something about this extremely closed-off, reclusive man that tickled at the back of his mind. Brian didn’t often care to know or meet new people, but his thoughts kept circling back to the quiet but kind man he’d had Christmas dinner with. Justin seemed skittish around the adults, but he fully embraced anything Gus threw at him without a second thought.

“You should come.” Lindsay whispered, her hand cupping his cheek, “Who knows? You might find something worth holding onto.”

—

Brian was back home. The exhaustion had caught up to him the moment he had crossed the threshold into his home. Ignoring everything he had hoped to do that day, Brian went back to his bed and crawled under the covers. In the time he had been out, his sheets and pillow had cooled down. The cold sting was refreshing on his warm, clammy skin. Within minutes, Brian fell asleep.

When he woke up a few hours later, Brian saw that his phone needed to be charged and that he had missed a few phone calls. He laid in bed a little bit longer to assess how his stomach was fairing now that the chemo had settled in his system. Once he was certain he wouldn’t vomit the moment he did it, Brian sat up and gave his phone his full attention.

One of the calls was from Lindsay, who then also texted him. He decided to handle that first, considering it would be the least troublesome of the calls. Turns out she had called him to give him the information about Justin’s show at the gallery that night. Brian smiled to himself as he thought about the quiet artist who had been a fixture at Christmas dinner, thanks to Lindsay’s unfailing generosity.

He decided that if he felt up for it after his shower, he would attend this show. If only to get more face time with the elusive artist. A quick glance at the clock told him that if he called Lindsay now, she’d most likely be at home. This meant he’d be able to at least check in with his son.

“Hey, Peter.” Lindsay greeted with a smile. “I have a little munchkin here who was just asking if we could call his daddy.”

“Great minds,” Brian chuckled. Then he heard Lindsay pass the phone, creating static for a moment before his son got on the line.

“DADDY! I went to the hospital just like you!” Gus exclaimed. It was clear his fever had broken because he was business as usual, it seemed.

“That is just like you, life and death one day and perfectly fine the next,” Brian commented. “Did they at least give you a popsicle for being a brave little boy?”

“I got 3 of them.” Gus mumbled, then added, “Just don’t tell Momma Mel.”

Brian chuckled as his son’s words sank in. While he and Mel didn’t always get along, she’d been a solid support through this cancer reoccurrence. Pretty soon, he heard Gus trying to get his attention, and he realized his mind had drifted thinking about how much he’d relied on Mel and Linds so much more this time around. 

“Daddy. When can I see you again?” Gus’ desire to always be around Brian was something he never thought he’d get to have. 

“It depends on how I feel, Sonny Boy. My chemo treatments make me really sick and tired.” Brian hated to turn him down, and he knew the women would prefer that he be less honest, but Brian never wanted Gus to expect lies and disappointments from him. He believed in managing Gus’ expectations with honesty. 

“But I promise when I see you next, we will do something special, just the two of us.”

“Okay, daddy. Mommy wants to talk to you.” Gus then handed the phone to Lindsay, who came on the line.

“I’m sorry. I know you hate having to turn him down. Mel and I tried explaining to him that it’ll probably be months before you’ll be up for seeing him.” Lindsay’s voice was gentle but firm.

“Dammit Lindsay. You know, I hate when you say shit like that. How about I be the one who decides when I am up to see my son? I’m usually feeling good by the weekend. So, I could see him then.” Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying not to snap too harshly at his best friend.

“Brian, there is no need for you to push yourself.”

“Oh, but it’s fine if I push myself to attend this show tonight?” Brian inhaled through his nose to pause the queasiness that had returned with his agitation.

“I just figured an art show was lowkey enough you could handle it. Besides, you and Justin seemed to get along just fine at Christmas.” Even though he couldn’t see her, Brian knew Lindsay was shrugging and smiling mischievously.

“We barely said ten words to each other. How is that an indication of anything?” This conversation was turning out to be much more complicated than he’d anticipated.

“Bri, you need to socialize more.” Lindsay sighed. “I worry about you. Ted has Blake. Michael has Ben. I have Mel. But who do you have?” 

“I have all of you. And Gus. What more do I need?” Brian’s thoughts turned to his quiet desire to have what they all had but could never speak out loud.

“I know you’re lonely.” Lindsay sighed again. “Please just give this art show a chance. Who knows, you could be exactly what Justin needs, and the same goes for you.”

“I’ll think about it. I’m still fighting off queasiness from my treatment this morning. Once I get out of the shower, I’ll know better.” Brian shrugged even though she couldn’t see him. 

“Alright, well, please let me know. No pressure, but I do think it’ll be good for you.” Lindsay said goodbye to him.

As soon as the call disconnected, Brian was on his feet, ready to give a shower a shot. His stomach rolled a bit as soon as he started to walk toward his kitchen, but not enough to pause his movement. He crossed to his refrigerator and grabbed a can of ginger ale to take the bite out of his nausea. Brian glanced at the food in his fridge, wondering if he should also eat something, but thought better of it. 

He desperately wanted to wash the stench of the cancer center and chemo treatments off his body. The antiseptic smell was really getting to him now that his mind was alert enough to register it. He trudged back into his bedroom to pull his dirty clothes off and throw them in the clothes hamper. He glanced toward his closet but decided he wanted to shower and then decide what he would be wearing for the rest of the day. 

Once he was under the water stream, the tension in his muscles slowly washed away with the layer of illness and hospital. As he scrubbed body wash all over him, Brian’s mind wandered back to the days before he even thought twice about threats such as cancer. Back then, he was a club boy at the height of his power. He owned a fuckpad loft apartment and never went home alone, but he also always woke up alone. And he loved it all. 

Now, he was inching toward 40, and having had cancer twice, he realized that all the things he used to give Mikey and Linds shit for, he actually wants. It was no longer acceptable for him to always sleep alone. Growing up, his parents had taught him early on that no one would take care of him. He had to do things for himself, especially when he was sick. But, right now, the idea of having someone there to rub his back when he vomited for the millionth time on chemo treatment days or to worry that he was overdoing it or, better yet, to hold him when his body hurt from all the chemicals coursing through it seemed the best thing in the world. Not only that, he wanted someone to celebrate his writing achievements with him. He deserved to have someone who loved him enough to know he was this wonderfully successful author. Sure, the gang knew, but your friends knowing and a romantic partner knowing were two different versions of love and support. 

He shut the water off and stepped out of the shower, grabbing his towel and wrapping it around his waist almost immediately. He stepped up to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. In the past six months, with everything going on, he’d easily lost 15 pounds off his already slight frame. When dressed, Brian was able to hide it easily, considering he’d gotten lucky and his gauntness hadn’t reached his face yet. But he knew it was only a matter of time. 

He ran his hand through his wet hair to shake out some of the excess water. Then, he stepped back into his bedroom and sat on the edge of his bed. The act of taking a shower had taken almost all of his energy. With a sip from his ginger ale, Brian leaned back and lay diagonally across his bed. He let his eyes close ever so briefly. 

The brunet was pulled out of his doze by the sound of his phone going off. With a groan, Brian rolled over and then sat up once more. He’d only had his eyes closed for about 10 minutes, but his body was already covered in gooseflesh from the cold of having only a towel on. The call was from his editor.

“Hello, Roger. What do I owe the pleasure?” Brian greeted the man with a grimace.

“Brian, you know we understand your current predicament. But I asked for your first draft three weeks ago. When can I expect it?”

Brian rolled his eyes up to the ceiling as he stood up once more and moved toward his closet. “My current predicament? You mean the goddamn cancer I’m battling to have even a modicum of normalcy in my life? Fuck you, Roger.” 

Hanging up on his editor had never been more fun in his life. If Roger knew what was good for him, he wouldn’t bother Brian again for at least another few weeks. Throwing his cell onto his bed, Brian decided he was going to make an appearance at this art show thing tonight, partially because doing so would get Lindsay off his back and possibly get her to change her mind about Brian having Gus this weekend. And partially because he wanted to see the shy blond once more. 

The more he thought about it, the more Brian realized he didn’t understand what it was that drew him to Justin. After all, he typically went for beefier guys who looked like they could easily overpower him, even if they were bottoms. But, something in Justin’s quiet existence made Brian unable to get him out of his mind. It had been a week since they’d last interacted, and he found he was kind of excited to see what this young man had to offer the world through his art. 

Who knows, maybe going to this event could encourage his creative juices to start flowing again. He knew, logically, that his brain fog from the chemo was a major culprit to his inability to continue writing, but a part of him still felt like he wasn’t trying hard enough.

Once he had found the perfect bottle green sweater and charcoal grey slacks, Brian got started on getting ready for the event. He texted Lindsay to inform her that he would be there. Her reply was the equivalent of her screaming excitedly at him, which made him appreciate that he’d gone the text route instead of making a phone call. 

—

The Sidney Bloom Gallery always went all out for their resident artist whenever they put on a show. Anyone who knew anything about fine art came out for each one, which ended up bringing in a big chunk of their quarterly earnings each time. Brian could respect the hustle Lindsay always put into these events. While he hated stuffy, hoity-toity affairs, he did have enough respect for his best friend to put up with them in order to support her. The minute he walked through the door, Brian knew he’d made a colossal mistake. Wearing his precautionary mask, Brian attracted attention from everyone who thought they had the right to ask him what was wrong.

Unfortunately, just as he was about to turn around and walk right back out again, Brian noticed two things. One, Lindsay was wrapping up with someone who was clearly a regular donor/purchaser in order to come and save him, but she was still clear across the room. And two, his chemo buddy, Jen, was there and much closer to him. Within seconds, her arm was roped through Brian’s, and she directed him over to the wall of art, which was as far from the busybodies as possible.

She too wore a mask. Despite not seeing it, he knew she smiled at him as she squeezed his arm. “I didn’t know you were coming to this event tonight.” 

“Last minute decision. To be fair, Lindsay sort of strong-armed me into it. She’s determined to hook me up with some artist friend of hers. She thinks I’m lonely.” Brian smirked at Jennifer from behind his mask, but the sentiment reached his eyes, so he knew she saw it.

“I mean, aren’t you?” Jennifer gave him a raised eyebrow, motherly, knowing look.

Brian chuckled, “Could you stop reading me for filth? I have a cold, aloof reputation to uphold.” 

Jennifer turned her attention to the blue and purple wavy impressionist painting before them but squeezed her body that much closer to Brian’s in sympathy for Lindsay’s antics.

“So, what brings you here?” Brian turned to look at her appraisingly. “As beautiful as this painting is, you don’t seem the type to hang out at art shows.”

“My son invited me,” Jen replied, then she leaned forward and pointed toward the semi-hidden JT in the top corner of the painting. “He’s the artist being featured.”

“Really?!” Brian pulled out of her embrace and turned to face her head-on. “I met him on Christmas Eve. Lindsay had invited him over for dinner. I can’t believe that was your ever-elusive son.”

“My son spoke to you? He never talks to people.” Jen was looking at Brian as if she was truly seeing him for the first time.

“I wouldn’t say he necessarily talked to me, but we did engage in conversation with my son, Gus, at different intervals. Does that count? If anything, he was talking to an 8-year-old.”

“You know, when he came over at Christmas, he mentioned that he’d had dinner with a friend of his and her son. Which made him miss me and want to visit.” Jen's eyes reflected her obvious smile at Brian and reached out to squeeze his bicep once again.

Just then, Lindsay managed to get away from potential buyers and approached the two of them. Brian gave her a quick hug and then briefly pulled his mask down to give her a kiss on the cheek.

“As soon as Gus saw your text that you’d be here tonight, he wanted to come. Luckily, Mel managed to convince him he needed to rest.” Lindsay immediately launched into an intimate update.

“Let me guess, she gave him two popsicles.” Brian’s eyes twinkled with mischief. “Or let him have unlimited movie time.”

“Try both. He was determined to ‘see Daddy.’” Lindsay smiled.

Jennifer cleared her throat and moved to give the two their privacy, but Brian reached out and grabbed her arm to stop her. 

“Linds, this is Jen. She’s my chemo buddy.”

Jen smiled from behind her mask and put her hand out to Lindsay in greeting. “It’s nice to meet you. I’m also Justin Taylor’s mom.”

“Oh! He mentioned that he’d invited you.” Lindsay clapped in excitement. “I must show you his shining piece. Brian got to see it the day he painted it, but prepare to be moved!” Lindsay then grabbed Jen and dragged her off. 

Brian decided to trudge along behind them. He didn’t want to end up alone and risk some stranger engaging him in a conversation he didn’t have the energy for. The two blonde women were chattering excitedly about Justin’s art.

He took the opportunity to quietly observe each of the pieces they passed on the way to the one of a street lamp. Brian leaned closer to each one they passed to read the titles of each one. Most people didn’t know this about him, but he loved art and found himself gravitating toward the silent comfort of it the more he falls into his current cancer journey. He wasn’t an expert by any means, but Brian knew what he liked and knew what was objectively good or emotionally provocative. 

They all came up on Justin’s painting from last week, and Brian audibly gasped at the title of the piece. 

Street Lamp of Destiny

Lindsay turned to him with question in her eyes. Brian subtly shook his head, but when Jen asked him directly, he couldn’t lie to his newest friend.

“What? I thought Lindsay said you’d already seen this one.” Jen looked from the painting to Lindsay and Brian.

“I have. I just didn’t know its title until just now. Um, that title means something personal to me.” Brian coughed out his answer. Then, he looked around for a reason to escape. He was currently feeling open and exposed, which he hated.

“Excuse me, I need to find some water.” Brian coughed again for emphasis.

“Back of the room.” Lindsay pointed over Jen’s head to the table at the back near the entrance to the hallway of studio spaces.

As Brian escaped Lindsay's knowing gaze and Jen's inquisitive one, he briefly wondered where the resident artist was. By the time he arrived at the refreshments table, Brian realized he was practically invisible if he stood nearby. The table was half in the shadows so as not to take away from the splendor of the evening. Meanwhile, a well-organized wait staff was rotating the snacks around the room on trays. Brian smirked to himself when he finally noticed his pal, Emmett, directing each waiter on where to go with what delicacy. Emmett finished dealing with one of his waiters, looked up, and saw Brian. The two friends raised their arms in greeting.

Emmett made his way over. He looked extremely harried but happy to see Brian.

“Bri! I had no idea you’d be here!” Emmett practically squealed as he wrapped the brunet into a tight hug.

“Yeah, Linds dragged me here. She’s trying to set me up with the resident artist.” Brian leaned against the wall, showing an air of nonchalance as he watched the people milling about.

“And are we opposed?” Emmett gave him a knowing look as he put a cocktail to his lips.

“Not exactly,” Brian whispered around his water bottle.

“BRIAN!” Emmett squealed again. “What?! You’re interested in someone? That’s huge. It’s been ages since you’ve acted like you have something to offer someone else.”

“I didn’t go celibate, Honeycutt.” Brian scowled. “Besides, cancer kind of puts a damper on any kind of relationship, casual or otherwise.”

Emmett swatted at Brian’s arm, “You know what I mean. I know Mikey still believes you’ll never settle down, and Ted looks to you for living vicariously. But I saw it the minute you sold your loft. You’re lonely.”

“Fuck. I thought I was hiding my shit better. But if you, Lindsay, and fucking Jen can read it, I must have lost my touch.” Brian finished his bottle and tossed it in the trash. Then he placed his mask back on his face.

“No, more like you can’t hide anything from me. I don’t know who Jen is, but I would imagine she’s like Lindsay in that she hopes you’re lonely because she wants you to settle down.” Emmett shrugged, and then he gave Brian a quick squeeze. “Gotta get back to work. It’s good to see you, baby. Come by the diner soon. We all miss you.”

Brian nodded to signify he’d think about it. And then, Emmett was gone, swallowed up by the crowd of well-dressed, stuffy WASPs. Brian sighed and looked back toward where he’d last left Jen and Lindsay. He found them conversing with an elderly petite woman with glasses comically bigger than her face. She looked like old money, which meant Lindsay was using the personal touch of Jen being the artist’s mom to sell some art. Good for her.

Brian turned to look down the hallway behind him and saw a sliver of light coming out from under one of the studio doors. Curiosity getting the better of him, he surreptitiously slipped out of the gallery space and into the dark hallway. He hesitated once he came upon the studio because he realized it was the one that belonged to Justin. The door wasn’t completely closed, so Brian could see a sliver of the room beyond. 

The blond appeared to be painting in a frenzy. Unlike the last time when Justin had headphones, this time, his phone was playing whatever he normally listened to. After secretly listening for a while, Brian found himself sucked in.

Andy was eager to know exactly what made this brooding man before him tick. Sure, the sex was easy, but it was the after that Neil seemed to struggle with. The older man was more likely to throw insults around as back-handed compliments than he was to talk about anything real or meaningful.

“Come on, Neil. Your dad just died. How are you not upset?” Andy knew he sounded weak and whiny, but he didn’t care. Neil always needed a nudge to give even the slightest bit of slack.

“Because my dad was an abusive drunk who regretted the day I was born.” Neil finally cracked himself wide open. Andy was shocked. 

“What?” The younger man asked, moving toward Neil – who moved backward and away from any physical contact.

“I’m not going to fucking repeat it.” Neil growled at Andy, “And I’m not going to ‘unpack that’ as I’m sure you’re anxious to say.” Neil’s tone was mocking, but Andy knew that underneath it all was a scared little boy.

“Okay. We don’t have to talk about anything.” Andy reached out and pulled Neil to him. The older man relented and let himself be wrapped up in Andy’s warm embrace.

Brian realized that Justin was listening to his book. Fuck. This kid clearly loved the book enough that it was his ‘in the zone’ listen. Brian wasn’t sure how he felt about it. But, before he could slip away again, unnoticed, Justin catches sight of him and motions him inside.

“Brian. It’s good to see you.” Justin bit his lip and shoved his hands through his hair, leaving green paint in his blond strands.

Despite himself, Brian smiled and chuckled. Then, when Justin looked at him confused, Brian stepped forward and motioned to the spot of green now streaked through the young man’s hair.

“You’ve got a bit of paint, just there.”

Justin rushed across the space to where he had a small mirror near the sinks. He quietly cursed as Brian leaned on one of the paint-speckled tables and watched him. 

“I’ll have to do a good scrubbing when I get home,” Justin muttered. If he hadn’t turned the audiobook off when Brian came in, the older man would’ve missed it.

“So, what are you working on?” Brian motioned toward the easel, which was currently set up with a giant canvas.

Justin shrugged his shoulders up. Brian could tell the young man was fighting off some kind of anxiety spiral in his brain. To show him he didn’t mean anything by it, Brian put his hands up.

“Hey, I was just making conversation. If you’d rather we didn’t talk, I completely understand. I’ll just leave you alone.”

Justin gave a forced smile and then, after an awkward moment, shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I do better talking to people about art than I do casual personal conversation.”

“I totally get that. To get Lindsay off my back, I usually tell her, I’m not antisocial; I just hate people.” Brian put a bit more space between him and Justin so the younger man could feel more comfortable.

Justin gave a genuine smile with that. “Exactly.”

Then, the young blond turned back to his canvas and continued to add broad strokes of natural colors. Brian watched him work in silence for a beat before he remembered his conversation with Jen from earlier.

“So, I learned something interesting today.” Brian started to walk along the edges of the room, running his finger along any flat surface he could find. He didn’t want to give the anxious young man any reason to kick him out. “Turns out, we’ve been directly connected for at least six months without realizing it. Aside from the whole Lindsay thing from the last few years, I mean.”

Justin’s strokes paused briefly while he listened and processed what Brian was saying. “Oh?” His voice came out quieter than a whisper, but Brian still heard it.

“Yeah. Turns out the only person I can stand to talk to while I’m getting my chemo treatments is an older woman named Jennifer Taylor. Apparently, she has a son. And today, I found out that son is you.”

Justin put his brush into the can of water, and then he turned around completely. Their eyes made contact. “Oh.”

Brian nodded. He wasn’t expecting much out of Justin, knowing what he did about the kid having anxiety. Brian watched the kid as he subtly wrung his fingers over and over again. And then he started shuffling his feet. Finally, Justin closed his eyes and appeared to be breathing slowly and counting under his breath.

“She’s a wonderful woman. I hope you feel comfortable seeing her more often moving forward. She was so happy you came over for Christmas. Wouldn’t shut up about it the whole hour we were hooked up today.”

Justin bit his lip and then, with a deep breath, finally gave Brian more than a one-word response. “I don’t know. It’s hard for me to take the bus, and she lives across town from me.”

Without even thinking about what he was offering, Brian responded, “I have a car. If you ever want to see her, I’m more than happy to give you a ride.”

“I couldn’t do that,” Justin argued. “You have a job and a life.”

Brian shook his head, “I am an independent author. Plus, cancer kind of frees up a lot of time you’d normally have for doing typical human bullshit.”

“I couldn’t take advantage of you.” Justin continued to resist.

“You wouldn’t,” Brian responded gently. “Look, think about it. If you ever decide to take me up on it, I’ll be there.” Then he stepped forward and left a business card on the table.

Without waiting to see if Justin would even pick it up, Brian left the young artist alone. Then, he went in search of Lindsay so he could beg off and go home. He also wanted to purchase one of Justin’s paintings if it was still available.

Chapter Text

Justin couldn’t believe he’d sold so many pieces at his show. Sure, in the last couple of years, he’d done well enough for himself, but his shows had never sold out. This one did. Lindsay had called him earlier to inform him that his final piece had been purchased shortly after the gallery opened. She practically danced with joy as she spoke to Justin, and he couldn’t resist doing the same. By selling each of his pieces, he had easily made five figures after the commission the Sidney Bloom Gallery took.

He walked toward the kitchen, and as he drank orange juice directly from the bottle, his eyes fell on the card Brian Kinney had handed him the night before. It was taunting him, begging him to use the man’s kindness. Despite being unable to trust people or even want to know them, Justin felt like this man had something to teach him. It was as if the universe saw how reclusive he’d become over the last few years and needed him to understand that it was preventing him from living.

After all, since Brian first showed up at the gallery just before Christmas, Justin had found himself doing things he hadn’t done in a long time. He was going to dinner parties, actively engaging strangers in conversation, spending time with his mom, and humoring the thought of letting someone else into his tiny circle of confidants. All of that in little more than a month. The growth was astronomical, considering he’d gone a decade without trying to expand his circle of comfort beyond two trusted people.

Justin returned Brian’s card on the counter and moved toward the shower to prepare for the day. Today, he had plans to go to the gallery and get a start on his next series, which incidentally was going to center on depicting the comfort he’d gained by expanding his experiences and social group in recent months. Justin would never admit it out loud, but he had a very special one planned for Brian that would be an amalgamation of many colors because he still felt intrigued and mystified by the man. He couldn’t put his finger on what exactly drew his attention to him or why he was just now noticing that the man existed, but he hoped that his new painting would help him put it into words.

As he showered, Justin thought of how he would get himself to the gallery today to work on his paintings. His gut told him to pick up the phone and call Brian, but a smaller voice told him that Brian didn’t mean it, that he would be much too busy. Justin’s next thought was on his mom. Maybe he should reach out to her and ask if she could drive him to the gallery. Their relationship was on the verge of mending thanks to their meet-up for Christmas. But Justin also knew that his mother had to be selective in how often she went out in public while on chemo.

Once he was out of the shower, Justin made his decision. He would do what he’d planned on doing all along. He would go to the gallery to get a start on his next painting series, and he would take the bus to get there, as usual. There was no need to bother Brian, especially considering the man had offered to drive him to visit his mom, not take him wherever Justin wanted.

However, by the time he was dressed and back in his kitchen making himself a smoothie, Brian’s card called to him. Justin picked it up again as his smoothie mixed in the blender. He bit his lip, turned off the blender, pulled out his phone, and stepped off the high dive.

“Hello.” Brian’s voice was thick and crackly through the receiver.

Justin took a deep breath before responding, “Hey. I’m sorry to call you so early. It sounds like I woke you up. It’s me, Justin.” 

All his words came streaming out of him without pause and probably made Brian think he was a crazy person. So, instead of waiting for Brian to respond, Justin hung up. Now that I’m done making a fool of myself, I can get ready to walk to the bus stop.

A few seconds later, Justin was pulled from his inner monologue by the ringing of his cell phone. He picked it back up and saw Brian’s number reflected on the screen. Fuck.

Justin answered, “Hello.” His anxiety was ramping up, made even worse by Brian’s casual chuckle.

“I see we got disconnected. You rang?” Justin could hear Brian’s smile in his words, but it did very little to disengage him from the current anxiety spiral he found himself in.

After some silence, Brian continued, “Hey, do you need a ride? Justin?” When Justin didn’t verbally respond but continued to breathe heavily, Brian switched his voice to a softer tone. “Justin, just breathe. I am in no rush. Take your time. I’ll be here when you are ready to talk.”

Typically, comments like that, ones that dictated to Justin how he should be handling his anxiety, got under his skin. However, Brian’s calm, steady voice actually helped more than hurt. Justin could focus his breathing once more and allow the darkness in his vision to clear while the static in his brain quieted down. 

“Thanks.” Justin finally responded. “I guess I still get anxious even when I initiate the conversation.” 

Brian didn’t respond, but the slight wheeze in his breath let Justin know he was still on the line. The young blond took another shuddering breath before asking Brian the question he’d initially called the man about before his freakout.

“I know you only offered to drive me to visit my mom, but my body feels on fire today, and I need to go to the gallery to start on my next series. The idea of getting on the bus makes my chest so tight I can’t even breathe.” Justin swallowed the lump in his throat and waited anxiously for Brian to tell him to fuck off and suck it up. Despite knowing the older man was generally a kind person, Justin’s anxiety brain told him he was asking for too much and that he was acting like a baby.

“Of course. When do you need to be there?” Brian’s response comes almost immediately, stopping Justin’s anxiety spiral in its tracks.

“As soon as I can,” Justin replied, biting the fingernail on his thumb as he rubbed the condensation on the glass containing his slowly melting smoothie. “There’s no set time, but I prefer to be there when fewer people are around.”

“Alright. I’ll be at your place in about 15 minutes.” Brian replied after Justin spouted off his address for the older man. “Meet me outside.”

Justin shoved his phone into his pocket and went about his space, picking up any stray art supplies he might need for the day. Somehow, a few of his paint tubes had made their way into his bedroom. While throwing his comforter up on his bed, he found his sketchpad with quick ideas for the bigger paintings he planned to start today. With a sigh, he shoved the pad and stray paint tubes into his bag and threw the strap over his shoulder. Within moments, he was outside, standing on the sidewalk, waiting for Brian.

He put his headphones over his ears and hit the button to turn on Street Lamp of Destiny by Peter James. He zoned out briefly as the world and sordid romance of Andy and Neil filled his ears. The sequel stories were fine and all, but Andy and Neil spent more time angry at each other than in love. Only the first novel filled Justin with comfort.

A black Jeep pulled to the curb with a squeal from the brakes. Justin shook his head and hid a smile at the thought of Brian having little regard for gently parking his vehicle. Justin from two months ago would’ve seen Brian’s driving, immediately ran back into his home, and preferred to brave the bus. However, knowing that Brian is kind, gentle, and considerate helped him to hike his bag higher up on his shoulder and climb aboard without a second thought.

“Thank you,” Justin mumbled, taking one of his earbuds out but refusing to turn off the audiobook completely. Yes, he felt more comfortable with Brian than most people, but he still needed to listen to his comfort book to keep his mind from spiraling for the second time in an hour. 

“No problem,” Brian said briefly before signaling the blinker and pulling away from the curb. Justin didn’t look at him but could feel his gaze fall on him occasionally as they drove across town.

After a few minutes of silence between them, Justin could feel a shift in the atmosphere. Sure enough, moments later, Brian spoke up and asked Justin a question that couldn’t be answered with a simple one-word response.

“So, why do you always listen to Street Lamp of Destiny ?” Brian didn’t look at Justin; his tone was carefree and genuinely curious.

“It’s my favorite book. Something about the plot puts my mind at ease and helps me fully immerse myself in my art.” Justin bit his lip and hit pause on his audiobook, knowing this was only the start of their conversation.

Justin watched as Brian thought over Justin’s response, rubbing his hand across his mouth while his other hand stayed on the steering wheel. Then, Brian nodded in either agreement or understanding, Justin wasn’t sure which without further clarification.

“I mean, of all the books in that series, why the first one?” Brian seemed nervous, though he hid it well, which confused Justin.

“You know about the Destiny of Love series?” Justin turned his full attention to Brian so quickly that he even surprised himself. This mysterious man was becoming even more intriguing every time they spoke. “Wait, are you a secret romance fanatic?”

Brian was silent for a bit before he explained himself. “I’m an author. Of course, I know about current books that everyone is reading.”

Justin squinted at Brian. Something about his response didn’t feel completely honest. But the young blond wasn’t about to call him on it. That would require a much steadier confidence level than he presently contained. A comfortable silence fell between them as Justin allowed himself to immerse his mind in the world of Andy and Neil once more.

“So, why the first one?” Brian’s voice was earnest but kind. Justin felt like Brian truly wanted to understand who Justin was beyond the apparent layers he presented to the world. It was the first time someone genuinely wanted to know more about him in over a decade.

Justin bit back a smile as he paused the audiobook once more. “I like the whole series, don’t get me wrong, but there is something happier about the first one. Not to mention, it focuses on the relationship between Neil and Andy more than the other two do. In the other two, the story centers on what Neil has to endure, making Andy an afterthought. I prefer the romance.”

Brian seemed to let Justin’s opinion sink in before he responded. “So, you’d prefer a romance that doesn’t have any struggle or strife?”

Justin glanced out the window and watched as Liberty Avenue passed by. They were getting closer to the gallery and the end of their conversation. Normally, Justin would breathe a sigh of relief at that prospect, but today, he found himself dreading it.

He pinched his fingers over his closed eyes and tried to articulate himself better. “No. Think about it: Street Lamp of Destiny has plenty of strife, with Andy being attacked not long after meeting Neil. But, at least in that novel, the pair seems to be struggling together. When we get to Love Lost , the story centers completely on Neil having cancer and completely shutting Andy out of his life. So much so that Andy finds a new boyfriend while also wanting to be there for Neil.” 

Justin pauses briefly to catch his breath and then continues. “Then, I thought with Destiny Redeemed, we would get a reunification that stuck, but instead, it was more of the same as Love Lost . Neil and Andy get back together, but Neil’s ego gets in the way, and he starts pushing Andy to the side more and more as Neil builds up his own advertising business.”

As they pulled up behind the Sidney Bloom Gallery, Brian caught Justin's eye. He smirked, but it wasn’t in malice or damaging in any way. No, Brian was genuinely amused by Justin’s thoughts. That was new for the young blond. He hadn’t had someone show amusement toward him since before his bashing. 

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have dumped all that on you.” Justin’s subconscious got the better of him as he shrank within himself and hoped Brian would let him get out of the car and away from this conversation. His anxiety was ramping up just as Brian reached out a steadying hand and gripped Justin’s shaking hand in his own.

“Don’t apologize. I asked for your opinion, and you gave it to me.” Brian paused, his gaze swept from Justin to the view outside his windshield – a bunch of nondescript buildings from the block behind the gallery. “I appreciate your candor. But maybe you just misunderstood. Perhaps Neil and Andy don’t seem prevalent in the books because the struggles are too massive to truly see their love for one another under the surface.”

Justin looked at Brian incredulously. “You’ve read them?!”

Brian coughed and pulled his hand away from Justin. The older man seemed to shrink more within himself at Justin’s comment. Then, he turned the key, quieted the Jeep, and left the vehicle without saying anything. Justin could tell the conversation was officially squashed. But he wanted to fight to keep it alive. So, he jumped out of the Jeep and quickly caught up to the older man halfway across the parking lot.

“I’m not judging. It’s just. You have no idea how much I love these books. As I'm sure you've noticed, I don’t have much of a social circle, so I never get to talk about them with others. If I came on too strong, I apologize.”

Brian stopped in his tracks and turned to face Justin, who almost ran into him. The movement was so abrupt. 

The older brunet rubbed his hands over his knitted cap. Then, with a sigh, he finally answered, “Stop doing that. You don’t need to apologize for everything. Sometimes people just don’t have an answer.”

Justin dropped his head and stared at his feet. The urge to apologize again bubbled just under the surface. He fought the urge to let the tears stinging the back of his eyes show. Just as he sniffed and rubbed his hand along his nose, Brian gave a sigh of his own.

“That was harsh. You didn’t deserve it. I, um, let’s just say I know the books very well.” Brian gave Justin’s feet a gentle nudge with his own.

“You do?” Justin’s voice was quiet, and he squeaked at the end. He mentally kicked himself for sounding so vulnerable.

“I do.” Brian nodded. Can I ask you one more question about them? Then, we can end this conversation. You can do your art, and I will bother Lindsay.”

“Um, sure.” Justin shrugged his shoulders up. His breathing was slow and calculated to prevent an anxiety attack.

“Who’s your favorite character?” Brian gave a mischievous grin as Justin looked up in shock. That wasn’t what he’d expected.

“That’s what you want to know? Why?” Justin started walking toward the gallery once more. He really couldn’t figure Brian out. One minute, the man could be kind and considerate, the next short and snippy, and then moments later, back to kind. He acted aloof and unwilling to connect but then asked questions about Justin’s motivations and what he loved.

“You don’t talk much. But when I asked you about the book series, you lit up. Maybe part of me wanted to see that in you more.” Brian shrugged, then dropped his hands into his pockets as he slowly walked alongside Justin.

“Andy. In the first book he gets attacked on the street for being gay. I connect with that.” Justin shrugged, not making eye contact with Brian. He knew that Lindsay knew about his history. But he didn’t know if Brian did.

Brian nodded as they both kept walking. It wasn’t until they reached the door that Brian finally added his two cents. “Your mom mentioned you were attacked, which is why you don’t trust others. I can see why you’d like Andy.”

It seemed as though Brian wanted to say more but didn’t know how. Justin glanced at him inquisitively. Brian gave him a small smile in return and held the door open. The two entered the building from the back, only a few feet from Justin’s studio space. Justin walked past Brian and immediately got to work. He needed to organize his space and get started on the planning stages of his next series. While he wanted to continue talking to Brian, he also didn’t have the confidence to request that their conversation continue. So, it was no surprise when Brian left him at his studio and ventured toward the front to find Lindsay.

–

Hours later, Justin was in his head as he mapped out each new drawing. He wanted them all to reflect his newfound freedom and ease with the world. Since he wasn’t entirely back to his pre-attack self, he wanted to be sure there were still shades that reflected his anxiety, which would come around less frequently but was still there.

He glanced over his sketches and the swatches of colors he put for reference points. Everything was coming together nicely. This would be his most cheerful series yet. He grabbed four large canvases from his stock at the back of the room. As the audiobook moved into the final chapter, he started putting pencil to canvas to outline things. He was so wrapped up in his work that he didn’t hear anyone enter, let alone knock, to announce their presence.

Therefore, when a hand landed on his shoulder from behind, Justin jumped ten feet into the air and squealed. He ripped his headphones out of his ears as he turned around to address the intruder face-to-face. His breath was still attempting to calm down alongside his heart as his eyes fell on Brian, wearing a face mask. The older brunet hadn’t worn it earlier when they’d arrived at the gallery, so naturally, Justin was confused.

He motioned to the mask and raised an eyebrow, “Is there a method to your madness? You weren’t wearing a mask earlier.”

Even though Justin couldn’t see Brian’s mouth, he knew the older man was smiling. “Earlier, it was just you and me. Neither of us frivolously spends time in the presence of strangers. Therefore, there is no risk of exposure to illness and germs. After I dropped you off here, I pulled it out of my pocket for my time with Lindsay.”

“Oh, right,” Justin mumbled. “Cancer.” 

Justin turned back to his outlines being formed on the canvases. He hoped that by not engaging Brian further in conversation, the man would take the hint and walk away. But instead of leaving, Brian grabbed one of the stools toward the other side of the room and plopped down. It seemed to Justin that the brunet was content just to sit and watch Justin do his work. 

Oddly enough, it didn’t bother Justin as much as he anticipated it would. Much like when Gus had come by the gallery before Christmas, Justin enjoyed Brian's presence as he sketched things out. There was something so calming about being around someone who was more than happy to exist in silence, never forcing conversation.

Another two hours passed by just like that. Justin turned his audiobook back on and zoned into his art while Brian sat behind him, reading a book he must’ve gotten from Lindsay’s office. Neither of them said a word to each other, happy to exist together in silence.

Then, Lindsay popped her head in, which Justin hadn’t even noticed, to tell them she was leaving for the day. Brian gently tossed a wadded-up paper towel at Justin’s head to get his attention, and the blond looked up. He smiled at Lindsay and then took his headphones out.

“What’s up?” Justin licked his lips.

“I was just telling Brian that I’m leaving for the day. Just be sure to lock up when you leave.” Lindsay stepped into the room and gently touched Justin’s shoulder. 

Then, she turned to Brian and added, “Call Gus today. He’s eager to spend the weekend with you.”

Brian kissed her on the cheek and hugged her as he promised to call his son later that evening. Justin quietly observed their exchange. An ache settled in his chest. Not like when he thought about the loneliness he felt from the distance between him and his mom. No, this one was deeper. Justin missed having a best friend. 

Maybe I should call Daphne. Justin thought to himself as he gathered his pencils, pens, and brushes. 

“I’m at a good stopping place. I will leave, too.” Justin bit the corner of his lip and shoved the sketch pads into his messenger bag.

“Oh no! Justin, don’t feel as though you need to leave because I am. I gave Brian the key. He said he was driving you home, so he’d be around. Take your time.” Lindsay gave Justin a sympathetic look and smiled.

“I’m not feeling pressured.” Justin started, glanced at his phone for confirmation, and continued, “It’s after 6. I should head home for tonight.”

“Okay. If you insist.” Lindsay smiled again. “See you later, Peter. Call Gus.” She gave Brian another quick kiss on his cheek.

Justin quirked his eyebrow at the two friends. He wanted desperately to ask about the nickname, but he didn’t. It wasn’t his place to pry. Instead, Justin put his headphones back into his ears and allowed them their space while he hung back and waited. He leaned against his table and closed his eyes. His mind wandered back to high school, one of the last times Justin remembered being happy. He was hanging out in his room with Daphne shooting the shit and discussing their plans for prom. They had gone together since neither had a significant other to speak of. As they lay on his bed cracking jokes, they had no idea that everything would be different within a week. Justin would be kicked out by his dad for being gay, and then he’d get bashed in the head as he and Daphne were leaving the dance. 

“Hey,” Brian’s voice followed his gentle grip on Justin’s shoulder to get his attention. Justin looked up and silenced his audiobook once more.

“Hey.” Justin shoved his phone and headphones into his pocket. Then he grabbed his jacket and put it on. “Let’s go. Thank you for offering to give me a ride back. I could’ve taken the bus.”

“Ehh. I was still here. Might as well complete my duties.” Brian’s eyes twinkled with mischief. 

The two fell silent as they left the building, Brian locking the door behind them. Justin was in his thoughts once again, wondering whether or not Daphne would respond if he reached out to her. All this time around Brian, and his friends, by extension, had woken Justin up. He realized that cutting everyone out of his life wasn’t what was best for him. It had been ten years, but it was time he moved forward from his bashing and got his life back on track. Especially if his mom’s cancer got worse, she deserved to have both her children close to her during her time of need. 

Brian had subtly shown Justin that having someone around all the time wasn’t the worst thing in the world. Part of him believed that his decade-long aversion to people was less about his lack of trust and more about his desire to be alone. But, now he was almost 30 and tired of being alone. He wanted to find a love like that of Andy and Neil.

They’d been silently driving back toward Justin’s place for a few minutes when Brian cleared his throat. Justin pulled himself out of his inner monologue of thoughts long enough to make eye contact with the older man.

“Was your time productive?” Brian asked, genuinely interested in Justin’s answer based on his earnest look.

“Yeah. I was able to put my ideas into color formations that I feel people will connect with. This series is going to be vastly different from my previous pieces.” Justin bit the tip of his thumb.

“Are you worried that no one will like them because they are different?” Brian turned his attention back to the road, which allowed Justin to breathe a sigh of relief at the release of Brian’s assumed scrutiny.

Justin didn’t know how to respond. On the one hand, he was worried no one would buy them if they were too different, but on the other, he was excited to show that he could do more than just depressing landscapes.

“Yes and no.” Justin started. He started to fiddle with his fingers as he silently tried to expand his answer. Brian didn’t push for more and patiently waited to see if Justin wanted to say more. Both of which the young blond greatly appreciated.

“I know that my art is good. If it weren’t, Lindsay wouldn’t add me to shows as often as she does, nor would she allow me to rent studio space in the gallery. That being said, I know that most of my art from the past decade has been filled with despair, anxiety, and depression. My new series will have an element of hope, which I’m not so sure people will accept. I know my worth, but –”

“What if they do?” Brian asked, his body language giving it away that he hadn’t intended to interrupt.

“That might be an even scarier prospect. If they love this series, then they’ll probably expect me to make lighthearted art all the time moving forward. What if I can’t?” Justin pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and worked his jaw back and forth.

“I get that. When I published my first novel, I worried that no one would read it, but that was nothing on the fear that everyone would read it and love it.” Brian glanced over at Justin with the faintest hint of a smile.

“So, which one ended up happening?” Justin smirked back at Brian, pulling attention from his anxiety to learn more about the older brunet.

Brian coughed and laughed at the same time. “Oddly enough, the latter. Because my independent book sold so well, I was offered a book deal by a major publisher. Which I now hate.”

“Because they try to change everything?”

“No, because now I’m on a time clock, and I feel my creativity has to fit into their mold. With my first book, I could write at my own pace and do things according to my schedule. Now, I’m forced to not only get hounded if I don’t meet deadlines, which I rarely do these days, the cancer of it all, but also to make public appearances and do tons of interviews. It’s worse than you could ever imagine.” Brian responded just as the older man’s phone started to ring.

“Speak of the devil. That’s Roger, my publisher. Do you mind if I answer?”

Justin silently shook his head and motioned for Brian to answer the call.

“Hey, Roger. I know you are looking for the draft of my next three chapters. Trust me, they will be in your inbox by the end of next week. I apologize. The holidays zapped all my energy, and my chemo treatments haven’t been easy.” Justin listened to Brian’s end of the conversation. He couldn’t hear what Roger was saying, but based on the garbled tone Justin could hear, he guessed the guy was giving Brian a hard time.

“I know. I know. I’ll give you back your advancement if that’s what you are really worried about. You knew after my last book that my final book in the deal would be greatly delayed depending on how my diagnosis progressed. I had every intention of keeping this schedule, but then my cancer relapsed.” 

“I promise. By next Friday. Thank you, Roger. I appreciate it.” Brian sighed as he hung up the phone. 

The two didn’t speak another word to each other as Brian approached Justin’s home. It was just as well, considering Justin had so many thoughts swirling inside his head, and none of them would do him any good if he accidentally uttered them aloud. No, he’d much rather think over what he’d learned about Brian today and consider whether or not he could rekindle his friendship with Daphne.

—-

Later that night, Justin lay on his bed staring at the phone number his mom had texted to him. She was so excited when he’d reached out asking if she had Daphne’s latest contact number. Justin figured he could’ve emailed Daphne (like he had been off and on these past 10 years) and asked her for it directly, but this was quicker. An email could take days to get a response. At least with his mom, he knew she’d take hours at most.

Closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, Justin worked up the nerve to type in Daphne’s number. Once he’d dialed all but the last number, he hesitated. This was a huge moment for him, and he was scared of her potential rejection. Spending time with Lindsay and Brian had Justin realize he missed his best friend, but did she miss him?

The line rang twice before someone picked up. Justin held his breath. 

“Hello?” Daphne’s voice was soft and quiet as if she was trying not to make noise.

“Hey, Daph.” Justin finally breathed. It felt so good to hear his best friend’s voice again.

“Justin?” Daphne was clearly holding back her excitement. Justin didn’t blame her. Especially after everything he put her through.

“Yeah.” Justin sighed. “It’s me. I have been spending more time with my mom lately and it got me thinking. I wanted to reach out.”

“It’s great to hear from you,” Daphne muttered in response. Justin couldn’t tell if she was happy about it or just trying to be nice. 

“But…” Justin prompted.

“No, but. I am genuinely glad you called. I’ve missed you.” Daphne’s words still felt a bit hollow.

“I’m doing much better now. I go out in public by myself, and I’ve expanded my world beyond the walls of my place. I now go to the art gallery, the diner, my mom’s, and sometimes the coffee shop a few blocks south of the diner.” Justin trudged forward, hoping that by speaking more, the Daphne he remembered would come through.

“That’s good, Justin, really. I’m glad you are finally facing your anxiety head-on.” Daphne still felt distant, and Justin couldn’t quite figure out why.

“Daph, can I ask you something, and you promise to be honest with me no matter how much it hurts?” Justin bit his lip. There was something in his best friend’s voice that didn’t match her words, and he needed her to be completely honest about it.

“I’ll always be honest with you, Jus. You’re my brother. My best friend.” Daphne gave a false bravado.

“Is there something you aren’t telling me? I just feel like you aren’t really present right now.” Justin’s right hand got stiff and started to curl up against his will. He put his phone on speaker and started to massage the cramped appendage with his other hand. As he waited for Daphne to respond his mind considered he might’ve overdone it with sketching his ideas today.

“Sorry, Jus. I’m just trying to stay quiet. I just put Julie down for bedtime. She’s my four-year-old daughter.” Daphne’s voice switches to a fond tone. The fact that his best friend had a baby and he never knew caused an ache in Justin’s chest that he didn’t know how to make go away.

“Why don’t we try to hang out soon to catch up? I don’t want you to wake her up.” Justin responded.

“That sounds wonderful. I am off tomorrow. How about we meet up somewhere for coffee?”

“Let’s do The Daily Grind on Liberty. Say around 10?” Justin bit his lip as he thought over how hard it might be to meet at one of the busiest coffee shops in Pittsburgh, but he didn’t want Daphne to think he’d lied when he said that he was doing better.

“Are you sure? I don’t want this to trigger a panic attack for you.” Daphne’s pure concern comes rushing out, and Justin feels warmed by this familiar territory. 

“By meeting at 10, it’s less likely to be slammed. I should be fine.” Justin said more for himself than Daphne.

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” Daphne brought their phone conversation to a close. “Oh, and Justin? It really is nice to hear from you.”

“See you tomorrow, Daph,” Justin whispered before the line went dead, and he turned off his screen. His right hand was finally starting to uncurl, but he knew he would need to limit himself tomorrow if he had any hopes of keeping it from spasming even worse tomorrow.

A small voice in the back of his brain proposed the idea of asking Brian to give him a ride to the coffee shop tomorrow in order to eliminate any unnecessary stressors. But he quickly shot that down. After all, he couldn’t keep relying on the older man in order to function semi-productively in society. No, Justin would take the two buses it required to go from his place to The Daily Grind tomorrow morning. He would just have to make sure his headphones were working, and his phone was charged. That way, he could sink into Andy and Neil’s story and ignore the strangers on public transportation.

The next morning, despite Justin setting an alarm for much earlier than he needed, the universe was determined to work against him. His alarm went off, but the hot water in his shower wasn’t working, so he had to take extra time that he didn’t account for to call his landlord and report it. Then, he couldn’t find his headphones despite always putting them into the side pocket of his messenger bag. And as if that wasn’t enough, his phone hadn’t charged overnight because his charger must’ve crapped out. Which left him with no lifevest just as he was about to board his bus to get across town.

Unfortunately, it seemed that the universe wasn’t done messing with him. His usual bus arrived at his stop right on time, but he’d been so frazzled already that he failed to check for any route change notices, which resulted in him ending up miles from where he needed to be with no way of knowing how to get himself back on track. His hand started to claw up with sharp knife-like jabs of pain. Tears stung behind his eyes and he frantically looked around for some kind of landmark he recognized. Looking down at his phone, he saw the clock transition from 9:59 to 10:00, and he felt his body sink into a pile on the bus stop bench. He was late, and with no way of knowing where he was, Justin was certain he’d be even later than was socially acceptable.

His vision started to swim, and his chest got tight. Fuck . He was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack with nothing around to divert his attention. Justin was having the worst day he’d had in months. 

Now will you call Brian? He said he would pick you up no questions asked. Yes, but he didn’t really mean it. Justin, just call him. What else do you have to lose? Justin found himself at war with himself inside his thoughts.

Without a second thought, as Justin gasped for his next breath with his chest tightening even more, he pulled out his phone and pushed one of his speed dials. The phone rang a few times, and Justin was just about to hang up when the other end picked up.

“Justin?” Brian’s voice came through, laced with concern. “You okay?”

“Brian, I-” Justin started but found he couldn’t get any more words out. He gulped in too many small breaths that did nothing to make him feel better. Then, finally, he tried again. “Brian, I got on the bus but it dropped off somewhere I don’t recognize, and I can’t find my way back.”

He hated how weak and whiny he sounded, but with his chest getting tighter and his vision getting smaller, Justin couldn’t worry about that. 

“Okay. Slow down, match my breathing.” Brian coached him over the phone. “Now, look around. What do you see?”

Justin did as Brian asked and took short, shallow breaths until he noticed his sounds lined up with Brian’s. Then, he looked up and tried to pinpoint something that would direct Brian to him. Across the street he discovered there was a movie theatre and a BBQ restaurant.

“Across the street is an AMC Megaplex and a BBQ place called Down Home.” Justin relayed to Brian, who he could tell was already driving. 

“I know exactly where you are. I will be there in five minutes. Just stay there.” Brian stated. “Luckily, it seems your bus didn’t lead you too far off your usual route. You’re also lucky I was already on my way to grab your mom a snack before meeting up with her for our weekly gab session.”

“You mean chemo?” Justin blurted without thinking. “Sorry, that was rude.”

“It wasn’t rude. Yes, today is my chemo day.”

“And you’re going out of your way to pick me up? Brian, you could have said no.” Justin regretted calling the man now that he knew he’d delayed him from getting to his doctor's appointment.

“Relax. My cancer ain’t going anywhere. Besides, they love me over there. I can be a few minutes late. I’d rather help you out of a bind than worry about whether or not you found a safe way home without me.”

“Careful, someone might think you care about me.” Justin teased just as Brian’s Jeep pulled up. Justin stood up and hung up his phone. As he climbed inside, he gave Brian a small smile, “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Brian smirked back at him. “Now, where to your highness?”

“I was headed to The Daily Grind to meet up with a friend,” Justin muttered, staring at his lap, too ashamed to keep eye contact with his new friend.

“What a coincidence. I was headed there myself.” Brian chuckled. 

Justin waited for Brian to comment on the revelation that the young blond was going there to meet with a friend, but it never came. Instead, Brian plugged in his phone, and suddenly, Street Lamp of Desire was playing over the speakers. Justin couldn’t believe this man would play a book he didn’t exactly care for just so Justin could calm down. The young blond didn’t say anything in response; he just went back to massaging his right hand, which was loosening up a little bit but was still curled.

Without another word between them, the two men made it to the coffee shop by 10:30 am. Justin breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t kept Daphne waiting too long. He was about to climb out when Brian finally spoke.

“I’m glad you’re getting out and spending time with others. That’s huge.” Then, with a smile, he added, “I’ll let your mom know you said hello.”

Justin expected Brian to get out, but the older man didn’t. Instead, he put his Jeep in reverse and pulled out of the parking lot. He lied. Just to put you at ease about the whole situation. Huh, interesting.

Justin bit his left thumb and stepped into the shop behind a young couple and their baby. He looked around as he stood in line and saw Daphne already seated at a table near the door. She had a little girl with her that looked like the spitting image of her mom. Must be Julie . Justin thought to himself.

A few moments later, Justin had made it through the line without any more anxiety incidences, but his right hand was still completely useless, just hanging at his side. He walked over to the table and smiled at Daphne. The caramel-skinned woman stood up and wrapped Justin in the deepest hug he’d experienced since Christmas at his mom’s house. 

“God, I’ve missed you so much. You look great.” Daphne stated as she pulled back and returned to her seat. “Julie, this is Mommy’s friend, Justin.”

“Hey, Julie.” Justin smiled softly at the little girl as he sat across from them. Then, he turned back to Daphne, “I think you need to get your eyesight checked if you think I look good.” 

“You do. The last time I saw you, your whole body was malnourished, and you were so sleep-deprived you looked like a raccoon. I’m glad you’ve figured out your PTSD enough that you’re able to sleep and eat properly.” Daphne reached across the table and grabbed at Justin’s left hand which sat on the table near his cup of hot chai.

Her gaze traveled to his right side, where he hadn’t moved his right arm since entering the coffee shop. Justin watched her, anxiously expecting her to make some snide comment about his lack of function in that appendage. 

“It’s just a bad day.” Justin finally broke the silence and shrugged his right shoulder to indicate he knew what she wanted to ask. “It still seizes up on occasion. I learned to adapt. So, now I can paint with both hands instead of having to rely on the few times my right hand can work for hours at a time.”

“Oh.” Daphne looked like a deer caught in the headlights. “I didn’t mean to pry.”

“Daph,” Justin leaned forward and used his left hand to grab one of hers in reassurance. “It’s not a secret. You can ask me about that stuff.”

“I just don’t want to add to your anxiety. I’m sure being here is exhausting enough.”

Justin bit his lip and observed as Daphne broke off some muffin and handed it to Julie for the girl to snack on. His heart warmed at the sight of his best friend being a mom. “She’s beautiful. Motherhood suits you.”

Daphne blushed, “Thanks. What about you? What are you doing these days?”

“When I’m not having a panic attack because my usual bus took a different route, I’m independently taking public transit from my place across town to the Sidney Bloom Gallery, where I have an art studio, and in exchange, they sell my paintings.” Justin tried his hand at nonchalance when mentioning how his morning had gone.

“We could’ve easily had coffee at your place. You didn’t have to come all the way here just for me.” Daphne caught on to the first half of his statement. 

“I’m so proud of you. Chris Hobbs bashing you in the head with a baseball bat could’ve ended your aspirations to be an artist. Yet, here you are.” Her smile at him at that moment made all his worries disappear. If Daphne could forgive him just like that, then maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.

“Don’t worry about it. I was supposed to be over this way anyway. My mom is doing chemo treatments today. I promised her I would check in after we finished chatting.” Justin shrugged and lied through his teeth. It was bad enough that Brian had seen him in the midst of a breakdown, he didn’t need Daphne worrying over him.

“Oh. How is that going? She told me she had breast cancer. Rotten luck.” Daphne replied as she got distracted by Julie, deciding that was the moment she wanted to stand on her chair and start singing for the whole world to hear. “Julie, baby, please sit down. That’s dangerous.”

Justin smiled up at the precocious little girl. “I wonder where she gets her spirit from.” Then he and Daphne lock eyes with a smile. 

“You know, my mom always used to say to me, ‘Just wait until you have kids. The universe is going to give you a child just as strong-willed as you.’” Daphne muttered, slightly out of breath, having finally wrangled Julie back into a seated position.

“She’s not wrong.” Justin shrugged and took a sip of his drink.

“No, she’s not.” Daphne laughed, also drinking from her cup. “So, your mom told me she made a new friend. Have you met him? From the way she tells it, he’s as antisocial as you are.” Daphne winks.

“I have. And I wouldn’t say I’m antisocial, just traumatized. But Brian, yeah, he’s definitely antisocial. He hates people.” Justin couldn’t help the smile that appeared on his face. He tried to hide it from Daphne by drinking from his cup, but she caught it with a sparkle in her eyes.

“WHAT WAS THAT?!” She practically yelled, bouncing in her seat. “You’ve met someone?”

“What?” Justin gave a knee-jerk response, “No, I haven’t.”

“Oh really? Then explain that smile you tried to hide.” Daphne looked Justin up and down, the gears in her brain working overdrive. “You like him! You like this Brian guy.”

“No!” Justin sputtered and waved his hand involuntarily which then made contact with his hot chai. The cup toppled over, spilling hot liquid all over his pants. “This is so not how I wanted my day to go.”

Daphne got up and helped Justin to mop up the liquid as best they could. From the looks of it, Justin would have to replace these pants. Once everything was cleaned up, Justin groaned and crossed his arms on the table to cushion his head as he let it plop down.

“It’s not the end of the world. No use crying over spilled coffee.” Daphne cheerily quipped.

“Daph, this is just the icing on the cake. It’s bad enough that the bus taking a different route this morning resulted in me stuck somewhere I didn’t recognize in the throws of a panic attack. But, then, in my vulnerability, my inhibitions didn’t prevent me from calling Brian to ask for help. So, then he picked me up and saw me at my weakest and had to drop me off here. I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wanted to speak to me again.” Justin was nearly in tears. This was truly the worst day ever.

Daphne scooted her chair around the table until she was directly next to Justin. She wrapped him up against her chest, tucked his head under hers, and then spoke.

“Jus, you had a panic attack. It’s totally normal. Especially for someone who has PTSD. I’ve seen you at your worst, allowed you to ghost me for a decade, and yet I’m still here. Try to be a bit more optimistic that this guy won’t run away.”

“It’s weird. We met through his best friend because she’s the manager of the Sidney Bloom Gallery. Ever since then, he has shown up on multiple occasions and taken an interest in my art. But, my brain keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Justin turned his head to make eye contact with his best friend.

“What if there isn’t another shoe to drop?” Daphne responded as she pulled Justin even tighter against her chest.

In that moment, Justin believed her. 

Chapter Text

Brian’s chemo was going as well as he could’ve expected. While the nausea was just as bad as it had been this whole time, his internal thoughts helped him keep it at bay. Unfortunately, Jen was not interested in whiling away their time today in silence. 

“You seem a million miles away,” Jen commented with a gentle grasp of his hand. 

Brian usually prevented people from having any physical contact with him, but the long-forgotten child version preened under the loving attention of Jennifer Taylor.

Brian bit the corner of his mouth and debated mentioning what was on his mind, but this was Justin’s mom, so he hesitated.

With a shrug, he replied, “My editor wants me to rewrite the three chapters I sent him previously and give him three more by Friday.”

Jennifer studied him, which, naturally, made Brian extremely uncomfortable. He had never liked being perceived any deeper than surface level. Hence why he remained so reclusive. Cancer gave him the perfect socially acceptable excuse, but Jennifer wasn’t like everyone else.

“I’ll let that obvious half-truth slide as long as you finally tell me what your books are about.” She gave him a wicked grin before drinking a slow sip of ginger ale. 

Brian disguised a cough as a chuckle. He hoped his eyes showed just how amused he was by this woman. 

“You don’t play fair, Mrs. Taylor.”

“I don’t understand why you are so secretive about your career. If I were a published author, I’d be telling everyone.” Jen gave him a smirk and got a nod of agreement from Nurse Kate, who was there checking on the two of them.

Brian worried his jaw, wondering if he should finally reveal his identity to someone other than his core friend group. Jen was a patient woman, so she opened up the magazine sitting on her lap this whole time. Once Nurse Kate left, Brian leaned closer to Jen.

“Fine, I’ll tell you, but you have to promise you won’t tell a soul. And I mean, a soul.” Brian whispered harshly.

Jennifer’s eyes lit up, and she motioned as if to lock her mouth tightly.

Satisfied that she’d keep it quiet, Brian pulled a copy of Street Lamp of Destiny out of his bag. It was a hardcover that he planned to gift Justin as a congratulations on the success of his show, but he hadn’t found a perfect moment yet. He passed the book over to Jennifer. Then, he sat silently, anxious to know if she would make the connection.

Jennifer’s hand flew to her mouth, then she looked at Brian. Her eyes said it all. She knew this was the book her son needed to keep his PTSD in check. And Brian had been spending more time with her son. Therefore, even without saying, Brian knew that Jennifer knew why he didn’t want her to talk to anyone about this.

“You should tell him. He may surprise you.” She said gently, allowing her hand to grasp his hand as she handed the book back to him.

Brian was about to respond when Justin showed up. He desperately tried to shove the book back in his bag. Now was definitely not the time to open this particular can of worms with Justin.

“Maybe someday,” Brian replied.

Justin sat down next to his mom, and his eyes darted around as if assessing the level of danger. 

“Maybe someday for what?” Justin gave Brian a pointed look before he leaned over to exchange kisses with his mom.

“Falling in love,” Brian joked. Jennifer rolled her eyes in response.

“Brian here writes beautiful romance novels and yet says he doesn’t believe in love,” Jennifer explained. “So, I was encouraging him to give love a chance.”

Brian was amazed at how quickly this woman had created a plausible conversation that didn’t actually happen. 

“So that’s what you write?!” Justin grasped onto the one detail that hadn’t been a lie.

An awkward silence fell between them all. Brian closed his eyes and tried to even out his breaths to prevent the two things his body wanted to do: coughing, which would inevitably lead to vomiting. He hated that his whole life was now being dictated by something he couldn’t control. 

If Brian was being totally honest with himself, he’d been feeling off all day, but like always, he pushed through. He wasn’t sure why he’d agreed to help Justin today, which put more strain on his energy levels. If any of the gang had called him, he would’ve blown them off. But something about this young man had him doing more than he physically should.

“Brian?” Jen’s voice floated into his thoughts.

Brian breathed through his nose, calming down the nausea, before he opened one eye and glanced briefly at her.

She continued, “You look extremely pale. Are you okay?” Her hand reached out just as Brian lost the battle against his own body.

Brian couldn’t stop the cough, no matter how hard he tried. He barely got his mask off his face and leaned over the basin next to him before his stomach contents started coming up. Unlike other times, though, the vomiting wouldn’t stop. Then, he felt liquid on his face and knew his nose had started bleeding.

It was something he often had to deal with, thanks to the chemo. His heart sank as the pieces started coming together in his mind. This was supposed to be his second to last treatment, but instead of feeling like the treatment had helped, he felt worse than ever before.

He zoned out Justin and Jennifer completely as he willed his stomach to stop convulsing and give him a break. One of them must’ve alerted a nurse because moments later, there was a cool washcloth on the back of his neck, and a hand was gently rubbing his back.

“Mr. Kinney, do you think you can drink some water?” Nurse Kate asked, her voice kind but not too cheery. She’d learned in the last few months that Brian prickled at such behavior.

Brian turned his upper body from the basin and back into his normal position against the chair. He leaned back, closed his eyes again, and subtly shook his head. He couldn’t risk talking yet.

“Brian, you need to drink something. Vomiting makes you dehydrated.” Jen tried to convince him.

Meanwhile, Nurse Kate was back at it, asking questions. “Did you eat anything this morning, Mr. Kinney?”

Still with his eyes closed, Brian took a slow breath and then exhaled just as slowly. Then, he responded. 

“Just some dry toast. I’ve been feeling off all day.” Brian licked his lips.

“I think we should have you head over to the main part of the hospital. You’re extremely dehydrated and…” Nurse Kate started but stopped when Brian started coughing again.

This time, his coughs brought up some blood. Fuck. Brian knew Nurse Kate was right, but damned if he was ever going to admit that. Especially not in front of Justin. He finally opened his eyes.

“I’ll try some water.” He finally croaked out.

“Brian, you really should be seen by a doctor.” Jen’s voice was tearful and concerned.

Brian sipped his water, ignoring her request. He had almost finished the small bottle when his stomach churned again, and he was back over the basin.

If Brian had the strength to pay attention to Justin, he would’ve seen the blond slowly decompensating. In fact, not long after Brian vomited for the last time, he scrambled from the room without a sound. 

“Can you call my doctor?” Brian asked Nurse Kate. “I think…I think I need to be admitted.”

She nodded quietly. As she walked off to page Dr. Stevenson, Brian finally looked back over at Jennifer. That’s when he noticed Justin was gone.

“He started to panic, so he left.” She muttered, her hand grasping his once more in comfort. 

“You know what this means. More chemo for me…” Brian mumbled with a sardonic smile.

“You don’t know that. Maybe you just caught something that set you back a bit. I mean, you did go to Justin’s show.” Jen shrugged, ever the seeker of silver linings.

“You went too, and I don’t see you feeling worse than ever before.” Brian’s mood had soured the minute he realized things had gotten so bad he’d be confined to the hospital until he felt better.

His thoughts turned to Gus. The last time he’d had cancer, Brian hadn’t let Gus ever see him this sick. But this time, Gus was older, and Brian knew he wouldn’t accept not being able to see his dad for a few weeks. 

“You thinking about Gus?” Jen asked, a knowing look in her eyes when he finally gave her his full attention.

“Last time, I could hide the less savory parts of my recovery from him. He was only 4. This time…he’s older, and he just wants to be with me and I…” Brian couldn’t bring himself to admit defeat, so he stopped.

“You never know. He might surprise you. I mean, Justin keeps surprising me every day. This was the first time he visited me during treatment.” Jen gave him a motherly smile. “You may not realize it, but you did that for him.” 

Brian balled up a tissue and tried to stop the blood that was trickling from his nose once more. It wasn’t tapering off this time. Brian was starting to feel a bit lightheaded. 

“I haven’t…” Brian paused to catch his breath. “Done anything.”

He breathed heavily a few times, still feeling unable to catch his breath. Just as he felt like his lungs had stopped working, Brian felt someone put an oxygen mask over his face. Once he felt a little better, he was able to focus his vision on the person helping him.

“Hey, Dr. Stevenson. Fancy a round of golf?” Brian attempted humor, his voice muffled by the mask.

Dr. Stevenson gave him a somber look and patted Brian’s shoulder as he sat down next to him. “Not today, I’m afraid. You don’t wanna miss your reservation check-in time.”

Brian felt Nurse Kate detach the chemo from his port. It was only half complete, but Brian knew they were giving his body a break.

“Hospitals and their stupid rules,” Brian mumbled. He hated admitting defeat, but this time, he knew he had to relinquish control.

“As soon as you feel up to it, I will get you in a wheelchair, and we’ll take you up to oncology.” Dr. Stevenson ignored Brian’s previous statement.

“Whatever you say, doc.” Brian closed his eyes, the nausea threatening to overpower him once more. “Let’s just go. I’m afraid it’s only downhill from here.”

Dr. Stevenson nodded and left to retrieve the necessary wheelchair. Brian took advantage of the reprieve to turn to Jennifer.

“Can you do me a favor?” He tried to lean over and grab his bag, but the oxygen got in his way. Suddenly, Nurse Kate was right there. She tried to hand it to Brian, but he shook his head and motioned for her to hand it to Jen.

“What do you need?” Jen opened his bag and waited for instructions.

“The book.” Brian looked at her. “Give it to him.” 

Dr. Stevenson returned, and with help from him and Nurse Kate, Brian transferred to the wheelchair. Jen smiled at him and handed him back his bag sans the book.

“I promise the next time I see him.” Jen squeezed Brian’s hand. “Please keep me updated on how things go.”

Brian nodded, and just like that, he was whisked away from the chemotherapy treatment room and taken up to the fourth floor where the very serious cancer patients resided.

Once he was checked in, Brian was subjected to multiple pokes as they took some of his blood for testing. Then, Dr. Stevenson came in and informed Brian that once he finished his liquid IV to bring him out of dehydration, they would be taking imaging of his lungs to see where he stood with his cancer.

Brian was too exhausted and weak to do more than agree with a small nod. 

“I also want to try and get more nutrients in you because it appears you haven’t retained much in days.”

Brian looked at his doctor and croaked, “I thought it was just a bad couple of days.”

His thoughts turned back to the warning Jen had given him about how he might’ve caught something from someone at the gallery show, but he didn’t have any energy left to talk more. So, he closed his eyes and went to sleep.

—

The next day, Brian was still struggling to keep things down. However, Dr. Stevenson had informed him now that they knew he had a major infection because he caught the flu, and they’d be able to treat it. According to his doctor, he’d be feeling back to normal in no time.

Brian picked at his blanket as his thoughts scoffed at Dr. Stevenson. What the fuck did he know? I haven’t felt “normal” in a long as fucking time. 

He knew that soon the nurse would come in for some blood. Dr. Stevenson wanted an accurate white blood cell count to formulate the next steps. But he already knew that things were bad. For one, his cough hadn’t gotten any better, and two, he felt worse than he probably should for someone at the tail end of chemo.

His chest scan last night had been exhausting and left Brian feeling claustrophobic, which was a new thing cancer had created in him. Dr. Stevenson said he’d go over those results during the game plan this afternoon.

He turned his head when the door opened. He expected to see the latest nurse, but instead, it was Lindsay. She was wearing a mask, hugging herself with her arms, and seemed extremely hesitant. Even without saying a word, Brian’s unease about how he had caught the flu was confirmed. Justin’s show.

“Hey, Peter?” Lindsay used her nickname for him. A dead giveaway to her guilt. 

Brian broke his eye contact with her and stared out the window, which only showed the concrete of the building next door — the parking garage.

“Will you just look at me?” Lindsay begged.

Brian sighed. “You lied to me. You knew how much I restricted my contact with the outside world to avoid getting sick. And you lied. ”

“Bri, I swear I didn’t lie. I told you Gus had a fever.” Lindsay turned on her innocent WASP act that Brian despised.

Anger flared up in Brian before he could control it. 

“You left out the part where it was because he had the flu! The flu could KILL me, Lindsay! You know that. Then, despite what you knew, you pushed, and you pushed for me to attend Justin’s show. You knew that eventually, I’d be so annoyed I’d agree.”

“Which further proves my point that you’re in no state to handle Gus right now.” Lindsay’s concerned parent routine did nothing more than anger, Brian, further.

“Fuck you, Wendy! How dare you put the blame on a child. He is 8 years old. You knew better, and yet you withheld information just so you could manipulate me to do what you wanted.”

“That is not what happened, and you know it! Just because you feel shitty about breaking your no-contact rule for him doesn’t give you the right to dump it all on me! ” Lindsay spat out just as the nurse walked in.

She looked from Brian to Lindsay, saw the tension, and started to back away. “I’ll come back later.”

“No, stay. She was just leaving.” Brian glared at Lindsay.

“Bri…” Lindsay reached out to try and change his mind.

“Go.” Brian was so mad he could spit fire. He’d known Lindsay’s manipulative ways for years. In fact, he’d learned how to perfectly balance everything so that she wouldn’t be a thorn in his side. But she’d never willfully put his health in danger before.

The nurse slowly approached his bed. Brian forced a smile in her direction. He put out his arm for her to draw blood through his IV injection point.

“I’m sorry. She’s…” Brian really didn’t know how to finish what he was saying.

“Don’t worry. As a nurse, I see many lovers quarrels. You aren’t the first, and you won’t be the last.” She smiled at him and gave his arm a warm pat. Brian let it slide.

Now that the fire had left him, Brian felt the exhaustion creeping back in.

“She’s not. I mean. I’m gay. She’s got a wife. We share a son.” Brian leaned back and closed his eyes.

“Well, I’ve seen plenty of families fight too.” Her voice was warm and reminded him of Debbie. Brian missed the red-headed woman. 

“Now, you just rest and let the antibiotics work.” She reached out and gently squeezed his shoulder.

The last thought Brian had as he fell asleep once more was, I should call Deb.

—

A few hours later, the same nurse gently woke Brian up. She looked apologetic, but the minute his vision came into focus, Brian knew it was time to discuss the next steps.

“What’s up, Doc?” Brian attempted levity, but his anxiety still came through.

Dr. Stevenson tried to keep a neutral face, but Brian could tell there was some bad news coming. His doctor pulled up a chair to be on his level. Fuck. Never a good sign. Brian held his breath, waiting for the death sentence to come. 

“Brian, based on your blood work and scans, your chances of remission have gone significantly down. It’s not impossible, but we are now looking at something closer to 40%.” Dr. Stevenson paused to see if Brian had any input. Brian just stared at the ceiling. His heart was pounding in his chest and ears.

“We’ll do another round of chemo, but this time, I suggest you remain admitted for the first few weeks to a month. Just to ensure you are completely healed from the infections caused by your run-in with the flu.”

Those weren’t the worst things Dr. Stevenson could’ve said, but it still didn’t ease Brian’s fears. His mind turned to Gus, who was still learning his way in the world and loved spending time with his dad. And of Linds and Mel, Mikey and Ben, Ted and Blake, and Emmett. And of Debbie, the mother he had always deserved. And finally, he thought of the skittish blond man who had captured his attention so quickly. Brian wasn’t ready to say goodbye to any of them, but a weight in his stomach told him he most likely would.

“Brian?” Dr. Stevenson pulled him out of his thoughts. Brian sighed, trying to hold back the few tears welling up in his eyes.

“Sounds good.” It was all he could manage at the moment. His mind was still an endless loop of video memories of his life.

Dr. Stevenson sighed and then stood up, aware that Brian wasn’t in a headspace to talk right now. 

“Hey, Doc. What happened to my bag and my phone?” Brian turned his head as the doctor paused at the door and looked back. 

“I’ll have Nurse Amy locate them for you.” And then he was gone. 

Brian was alone once more, which he both loved and hated. As soon as Nurse Amy returned with his requested items in hand he pulled up his contacts in his phone. His finger hovered over Michael for a few moments, but then he scrolled back up to Debbie and pressed connect.

As the phone rang, Nurse Amy shuffled around his room, recording vitals and straightening some things up. Then, she placed a plate at his bedside, which contained some toast. She silently instructed him to eat. Brian sighed and then took a bit to get her to go away. And she did.

“Brian! It’s been far too long. How you feeling, honey?” Debbie’s exuberant voice finally picked up the call.

“Hey, ma. I’m in the hospital, actually. I caught the flu. Long story. I just wanted to hear your voice.” Brian smiled softly and leaned back against his pillows.

“Are you eating? You need to keep your strength up, baby.” Debbie’s voice wobbled over the line, and Brian knew she was seconds away from getting too emotional. “Can you have visitors? I’ll bring you some chicken soup.”

“Yeah, ma. I can have visitors. But only til 6.” Brian closed his eyes, willing his nausea to abate, and let the one bite of toast stay down.

“I just got off at the diner. I will come right over.” Debbie’s voice was back to normal and sounded like the Mama Bear he’d always secretly loved.

The thought of Justin came to the surface once more. “Hey, Deb. Have you seen Justin lately? The one you call Sunshine?”

“Brian.” Debbie gave an exasperated sigh. “He came in this morning for a muffin. He was extremely skittish like I haven’t seen him in years.”

She paused for a moment, “A few weeks ago, he told me that he’d started seeing his mom again. Told me that you’d encouraged him. I don’t care what anyone else says or what you manage to convince yourself. You are good for him. And I am willing to bet he’s good for you too.”

Brian gently sighed. He knew Justin had been freaked out by his vomiting and bleeding the other day. Fuck . Brian had never wanted to hurt the young artist. Ever since they started spending time together he saw how small Justin’s world was. He didn’t trust people, and yet he let Brian in. Now, Brian would be lucky if he ever saw Justin again. 

“I just hope Jen gives Justin the book,” Brian muttered to himself, forgetting he was still on the phone.

“What’s that?” Debbie asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Brian muttered, realizing his mistake. “I’ll see you soon.”

They hung up, and Brian looked at the toast again. It was not what he had on his list of appealing food right now. If he was being completely honest, he was actually craving the soup that Debbie promised she would bring. If it was from the diner even better. He glanced at his bag in the chair next to his bed and considered getting some work done on his next novel, but exhaustion started to creep back in, and Brian let it.

The next time he was awake, Brian found Debbie sitting in the chair next to his bed, holding his hand while she watched some classic romance film on TV with the volume muted. He sniffled and shifted to alert her that he was awake. Her eyes lit up when they fell on his.

“Oh, baby. You look so thin. Eat!” She fretted over him and shoved the still-warm soup into his hands.

Just then, Nurse Amy came in. She glanced at Brian and smiled. “Just take it slow. Your body is still trying to fight off the flu and an infection.”

Brian nodded and gently sipped a tiny bit of the chicken broth. He wasn’t sure if his stomach could handle chicken or noodles just yet. Debbie watched him without blinking. Brian paused his eating to reprimand her.

“Deb.” He attempted to get her attention. When the older woman looked up, he smiled, “Tell me all the Liberty Avenue news.”

“Well, they closed The Adonis and The Baths. Ted is doing great as the CFO of that company who stuck their neck out for him. Mikey and Ben are planning a big trip to Wyoming with Hunter and J.R. during Spring Break.” Deb smiled at him.

Nurse Amy looked sideways at the pair. Brian chuckled weakly. “Come on, Amy. I already told you I’m gay. Hearing about gay happenings shouldn’t be that shocking.”

Then he turned to Deb. “I’m glad they finally closed down those infested, disgusting establishments.” Her responding twinkle in her eye told him that she knew better, that Brian was actually sad to see places he frequented in his youth close up shop.

“As for Mikey and the professor, I’m glad they have the ability to travel. I know Ben loves it a lot. Plus, J.R. deserves to get out of Pittsburgh every once in a while.” Brian sighed, putting the soup off to the side after eating a few bites.

“You know, Emmett told me to give you love. He said, ‘I briefly saw him at that Gallery Show I catered a few days ago. But he didn’t stick around.’” Debbie gave Brian a discerning look. “That’s how you got sick, isn’t it?”

Brian bit his lip and stared at his hands for a moment. He knew he would never be able to get a lie past Debbie, but he also didn’t want her to pile onto the guilt he already felt.

“It was Justin’s biggest show and I wasn’t going to go, just tell Linds I wanted to buy a painting of his. But Lindsay wouldn’t let up. She kept going on and on about how it would mean so much to him if I was there.” Brian took a deep breath, “So, despite my better judgment, I went. Not realizing that Gus had been sick with the flu within 24 hours of Lindsay hugging me. She failed to mention that in one of our many chats leading up to the show.”

“I wish you wouldn’t let her push you around and use Gus as both a weapon and a motivator.” Debbie patted Brian’s arm. 

Her comment surprised him a bit. Debbie was always a strong advocate for a child’s right to feel a mother’s love. In fact, many times over the years, she sided with Lindsay over Brian in issues with Gus.

He looked at her confused, so she clarified. “I have always defended her, but the way she has dangled him in front of you like a pawn in her game has really come out in the last few years. Especially after you got sick the first time and changed your whole life perspective. She became jealous of Gus’ adoration for you.”

They both fell silent for a few more moments. Brian felt his frustration with the whole Lindsay situation bubble up once more. He wasn’t even looking at Debbie. Instead, his eyes were looking at the TV, but his mind was elsewhere. The exhaustion was taking hold of his body once more, but he forced himself to stay away since Debbie was here.

“Brian, baby. I know there’s something else bothering you.” Debbie’s hand reached up and flattened his hair, the way he figured a good mother would do to her child when they were sick. Not that Joan would ever.

Instead of speaking, Brian shook his head and scooted his body back down on the bed so that he was in a comfortable position to fall asleep once more. 

“Mm tired.” He mumbled as his eyes fluttered shut again. 

“You rest, baby. I’ll be right here as long as I can.” Debbie responded softly. 

–

When Brian woke up next, it was the next morning, and Michael was sitting with him. He had on the standard hospital mask that everyone wore around him, but even with it on, he could tell Mikey’s face lit up the moment he was awake. His best friend immediately clasped his hand, rubbing his thumb along the back of it. Though Brian was loathe to admit it, he appreciated that Mikey was Debbie’s son when it came to caring for people who were sick. 

“What about your store?” Brian croaked out. Even those four words exhausted him.

He glanced around at the IVs surrounding him. He was still on a very strong antibiotic. Fuck. I’m still fighting the infection. I’m going to murder Lindsay.

“Don’t be upset, but I borrowed Hunter for today. He said he cleared it with Ted and asked him to manage the club deliveries today. Ted was more than happy to help.” Mikey’s voice was softer than usual, which meant that it must be bad.

“What’d you guys devise a visitation schedule?” Brian scoffed, but Mikey’s silence told him he’d been right. “You did, didn’t you? I don’t need babysitters.”

“No, but you’re extremely sick right now, Brian. Ma said the nurse told her last night that your body isn't responding properly to the antibiotics so the infection is getting worse.” Mikey’s eyes were brimming with tears.

Brian did not have the energy for this behavior from the shorter man. He closed his eyes and let his body slip back into a restful sleep.

–

The next time Brian woke up, he had no idea what day it was, and he was alone. This at least told him it was after 6 pm. His chest felt tight, and his vision swam as he tried his best to focus on one thing in the room and failed. A few moments later, he was gasping, trying to catch his breath. This caused alarm bells to go off all around him. When the nurse came rushing in, he looked at her desperately.

“Shh. Mr. Kinney, it’s okay. You’re having a panic attack. Slow down your breathing. In. 234. Out. 234.” Her voice was warm and reminded him of Jen. 

Brian closed his eyes and focused on her voice as the tightness slowly went away and his breathing normalized. What the fuck? Why did I just have a panic attack?

“There, feeling better?” The nurse placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Brian couldn’t quite talk yet, and he didn’t feel comfortable opening his eyes just yet, so he simply nodded.

The nurse bustled around the room, resetting his monitors, and turned on the small light above his bed. Then, she came back around and placed her gentle hand on his shoulder once more. Brian finally felt calm enough to open his eyes. The little bit of light now flooding the room helped him focus his eyes on the nurse next to him.

“Nurse Kate?” He was surprised to see one of the many nurses from the chemotherapy center in his room. 

“Hello, Mr. Kinney. I needed the hours, so I took an extra shift. Imagine my surprise when they assign me to your stubborn ass.” She smiled and winked at him after she stopped talking.

Brian couldn’t help it; he laughed. Even though it hurt his whole body to do so, he laughed for the first time in days.

“Oh, fuck that hurts.” Brian groaned but kept a smile on his face. “How long was I out?”

Nurse Kate turned to her iPad and checked his chart. “Well, it appears that your infection got really bad, and you slipped into a coma for the past two weeks. But, the good news is the infection is all healed.”

“I’ve been out for two weeks?!” Brian felt his chest getting tighter again. Nurse Kate dropped her iPad onto the bed and placed her hands on his shoulders so that they were forced to look at one another.

“Mr. Kinney. Breathe. You’re really sick. Your body needed those two weeks to rest, recharge, and heal.” Her smile never wavered, and neither did her gentle voice.

Once Brian was back to his usual breathing pattern, he looked around the room. “Where’s my laptop? I have to email my editor and explain why I went silent on him!”

This was the moment Nurse Kate’s facade broke. She huffed out a sigh and rolled her eyes. “It’s no use trying to tell you to rest and worry about that tomorrow, is it?”

Brian shook his head. So, she left his hospital room and came back a few minutes later with his bag which had his laptop in it. She placed it on the bed next to Brian.

“The nurses moved it from your room to a locked cabinet while you were in a coma. We didn’t want to risk someone stealing it,” She explained.

“Thanks.” Brian managed to whisper. He was getting really tired of always being tired. 

With that, Nurse Kate left, and he was alone once more. Brian took advantage of having his laptop back and immediately looked at his email. There were so many unread that he felt overwhelmed. To pace himself, he scanned the inbox for any sign that Roger had emailed him. Sure enough, five emails down, there was one with a subject line in all caps: WE NEED TO TALK, NOW!

Brian sighed and rolled his eyes, but he figured it was best to get this over with sooner rather than later. So, he pulled up his video call software and dialed Roger. Within seconds, the man answered.

“Brian! It’s about time you stopped screening my calls and emails. I need something from your book, or we will rescind your advance payment.” Roger spouted off without even bothering to look at Brian.

“Roger, would you pause long enough to look at me?” Brian croaked out. He turned slightly to reach for the water on the table next to his bed.

“Shit, Brian. Why didn’t you tell me you were in the hospital?” Roger looked ashamed for yelling at Brian moments ago.

“Maybe because my admittance was sudden, and then I was in a coma for 2ish weeks. When was I supposed to contact you? It’s not like you were my top priority while I was fighting to stay alive.” Brian tried his best not to roll his eyes. He truly hated Roger and his pencil-pushing ways.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Brian sighed and continued. “Look, I’ll send back my advancement. I am also breaking my contract with you guys. I need to focus on my health. I appreciate all you guys have done for me over the years.”

“Now, Brian, don’t be too hasty. We can give you another extension. It’s no big deal.” Roger was scrambling, and if Brian wasn’t so sick, he’d reap so much joy from it.

“Roger, you’re not hearing me.” Brian tried again. “I have to focus on my health. My cancer didn’t respond well to the chemo cocktail I was on, so they are going to have to try a far more aggressive one. Which means I will be too weak to do anything for at least six months, probably more.” 

“We could give you a year.” Roger tried again. But Brian cut him off with a shake of his head.

“My accountant, Ted, will send you a return on the advancement tomorrow. I’ll sign whatever paperwork I need to. Goodbye, Roger.” Without another word, Brian closed his video call software.

He pulled his email back up and opened a new message. His instructions for Ted were simple enough. Then, he finally felt like he could rest once more. So, he placed his laptop next to the water cup and leaned back against his pillows. Brian didn’t know how long it took but eventually fell asleep.

–

The next day, Brian had just finished his conversation with Dr. Stevenson about the chemo they would be starting him on tomorrow when Jen showed up. She looked nervous and hung by the door until Brian rolled his eyes and beckoned her over.

“Jen! It’s great to see you. Though, I wish it were under different circumstances.” Brian tried his best to be cheerful, but it wasn’t natural for him, so the words fell flat.

“I wasn’t sure if I should come by.” Jen wrung her hands as she only took a few steps closer to Brian’s bed, still a distance away. “But I don’t know anyone I could ask about your condition, so I came anyway.”

Brian settled back against his pillows and considered her words. Jen was right. She didn’t know any of Brian’s friends, and none of his friends knew her. Besides Lindsay, but that wasn’t much of a connection considering they’d only just met days ago.

“You could’ve asked Lindsay,” Brian whispered. “But, considering I’m angry at her, you probably wouldn’t have gotten anywhere. She can be extremely petty when she doesn’t get her way.”

Jen stepped closer to Brian’s bed, now close enough to touch him should the moment arise. Brian desperately wanted to ask her about the state of her son, but he didn’t feel it was his place. She sat down in a chair and waited for Brian to continue the conversation. That was something he’d always loved about her; she gave him the space to just exist in silence.

“So, turns out I ended up in a coma for two weeks because of an infection.” Brian played with a loose thread on his blanket. “I’d say it sucked, but I was out of it, so I have no idea.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t come until now then.” Jen gave him a playful smile, “As much as I appreciate how we can exist in silence, I’m not keen to just watch you breathe; it’s creepy.”

Despite himself, Brian smiled and then gave a pained chuckle. “Jen, I knew there was a reason I like you.”

They slipped into a companionable silence. Brian replayed thoughts of Justin in his head. He wanted to ask Jen, but he hesitated. Their friendship was centered on their mutual humor and respect for one another. Sure, Justin had been a nice surprise, but Brian never talked with Jen about his bond with her son.

“I saw Justin last week. I had gotten the all-clear from my doctor to be more active in public. They’re still cautious that my cancer could come back, but they’re hopeful. Anyway, I celebrated by going to his place since I knew he hadn’t left it since the day you got sick.” Jen finally broke the silence, bringing up her son as if she knew Brian wanted the conversation to go there.

“He won’t leave his apartment anymore?” Brian asked, startled. He knew Justin witnessing Brian vomiting and bleeding would upset the younger man, but he had no idea it would cause him to regress so badly that he wouldn’t leave his apartment.

“No, and it’s worrying me. He hasn’t been this bad in almost five years.” Jen bit her lip and turned her worried eyes to Brian’s.

Brian’s heart sank. He had caused this. He had pushed Justin to be more social and try new things, and now, he’d retreated beyond where he was when Brian met him.

“I’m sorry, Jen. I shouldn’t have pushed –” Brian started, but Jen cut him off.

“No! Don’t do that. He was flourishing because you were there to push him out of his comfort zone and never judge. All Justin needed was someone who wouldn’t be pushed away. Someone who would encourage but not force. You did that for him. Don’t you dare apologize for that!” Jen reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it.

Brian turned his gaze from hers, unable to take the pressure he felt looking into her eyes. Jen might be saying that he wasn’t to blame, but Brian knew better. He should’ve known better. People always get hurt by him regardless of how much he tries not to. 

“I gave him the book.” Jen finally spoke. Her words forced Brian to exit his doom spiral and stare at her.

“And?” Brian couldn’t help the anticipation that bled through in that small one-worded response.

“At first, he was confused. He said, ‘Mom, I already have this book. You know that.’ So, I encouraged him to open the front cover.” Jen started but then paused as if she expected Brian to cut in. And he did.

“You didn’t read my inscription, did you?” Brian was terrified that Jen might’ve seen his words of encouragement and, dare he say it, love.

“Oh, no. That’s not my place. I just saw that there was one.” Jen smiled at him; her hand was still in his. She gripped it a bit tighter as she added, “I also didn’t reveal what you’d told me. I figured it wasn’t my place.”

Brian sighed in relief. “I appreciate that.”

Then, Jen surprised him. She gently placed her hand on his cheek and directed his attention to focus on her and nothing else. 

“Call him. Despite everything, I think he’d love to hear from you.”

Brian shook his head, “I can’t. I start another round of chemo tomorrow, and I’m only going to get sicker. He needn’t be burdened by that.”

Jen sighed heavily, “I can’t believe my life involves two of the most stubborn men on the planet.” 

She paused and then continued, “Fine. Do what you want. But I’ll leave you with this: Justin might not say it, but as his mom, I can tell he cares very deeply about you. In a way, he hasn’t been able to since his attack.”

Moments later, Jen was gone, and Brian was alone once more. He sighed. His days now consisted of monotonous hours upon hours of nothing to do. He hated being confined not only to his bed but to a hospital in general. He understood it was for his health, but that didn’t make the situation any less frustrating.

His thoughts drifted to what Jen had said. Should he call Justin? Was it worth it to uproot what was clearly an already sensitive time for the blond? 

Brian wanted desperately to hear the young man’s voice again, even if it was just listening to him go on and on about his favorite book, unaware that Brian knew it all, having written it.

He glanced at his phone, attempting to will his arm to reach out and grab it. It shouldn’t be so hard to walk over this hurdle and call the artist. But, his self-preservation kept him at bay. No matter what Jen said, Brian had hurt Justin, and there was no changing his mind about it. The blond was better off without Brian’s energy there to cause even more harm. He knew the moment Justin found out Brian was his favorite author, feelings of betrayal and distrust would enter the chat. Better to break things off now before any more damage could be done.

–

A few days later, Brian still hadn’t bitten the bullet to call Justin. He’d started his chemo treatments once more, this time with a much stronger dose that fucked with his body even more. If he thought the vomiting before had been bad, that was nothing on his he felt day in and day out now that chemicals were running through his system once more.

Just as Brian was waking from a much-needed rest period, there came a knock on his door. It had been closed when the nurse came by to check his vitals and found him on the verge of sleep. Brian croaked out a response, which resulted in Nurse Kate walking in with a much-too-cheerful expression.

“We gotta stop meeting like this.” Brian sighed, closing his eyes against the harsh light as she pushed the knob upwards.

“Oh, sorry,” Nurse Kate adjusted the position of the knob, dimming the light. “I forgot that chemo gives you headaches and muscle pain.”

Brian smirked, opening his eyes once more. “It’s definitely one of the more appealing qualities.”

“Did I just hear the Brian Kinney say a headache was appealing?” The chipper, overly dramatic Southern drawl of one Emmett Honeycutt echoed throughout the room before Brian was able to catch sight of his dear friend.

“When up against vomiting, yes.” Brian forced a smile, hoping the mischief in his eyes wasn’t dulled by his pain and exhaustion.

“One time, in Hazlehurst, I got a bad case of food poisoning from my Ma’s cooking, though she denied it, and by the second day, I was praying for death. Vomiting truly is the reason I learned how to hold my liquor.” Emmett plopped himself elegantly down into the chair near Brian’s bed. 

Brian would never say it out loud, but Emmett’s stories at this moment in time were a blessing he never realized he’d ask for. Instead, his eyes turned to the person still standing in the doorway.

“Now, now, barkeep. They won’t stick you with anything—unless you want them to.” Brian’s voice was still scratchy, but it still achieved the desired result. Hunter rolled his eyes and took a few steps forward.

Brian then turned to Emmett. “I didn’t know you had taken Mikey and Ben’s foundling under your wing! Not sure he’ll be much help with your catering. He’s broken more bottles of alcohol than I care to admit.”

Emmett gently swatted his arm and rolled his eyes. “No, I was simply over at the happy husband’s home for dinner last night. I mentioned I would be coming to see you today, and Hunter asked if he could tag along.”

“Aww, the littlest hustler missed me?” Brian continued to give the younger man a nickname instead of calling him by his real one.

“It’s Hunter. And no. I merely wanted to be sure you were still alive. I do enjoy getting a paycheck.” Hunter leaned against a counter across the room and crossed his legs.

“Always after old, rich guys’ money. You can take the kid out of the streets but never get the streets out of the kid.” Brian chuckled, which turned into a cough. 

Emmett jumped up and grabbed him a glass of water. “Take it easy. You should be resting.”

“I was. Then you two showed up.” Brian groused over the edge of his cup. “Now, tell me the real reason both of you are here.”

“That hot cop came by. He was looking for you. I told him you were indisposed at the moment but that I would give you a message.” Hunter spoke up, sounding bored. “Anyway, he said they found the guy who robbed Babylon six months ago. Turns out it was Eric because you fired him and didn’t pay him for his last week of work.”

“Because he was caught stealing from the register.” Brian rolled his eyes and leaned back against his pillow. “Go figure he’d be stupid enough to get caught on camera robbing the club.”

Hunter shook his head. “This is why you shouldn’t hire people with a record. No matter how small the infraction is.”

“If that were true, I’d have to fire you, and you’re the only person I trust to manage things in my absence.” Brian’s body was feeling heavy again, which he knew meant he was moments from falling asleep once more.

“Come on. I was detained for indecent exposure, but the cop let me blow him, and I was released.” Hunter shrugged.

“Lovely.” Emmett finally chimed in, his face twisted in shock and horror at Hunter’s sexual escapades. “Even I would never blow a cop. Never know where he’s been.”

“That’s bullshit.” Brian broke in, forcing his eyes back open so he could stare at his lanky best friend. “I distinctly remember you telling us a story about 8 years back about a cop you fucked right on the floor of Babylon and how you almost got kicked out.”

“That was a go-go dancer dressed like a cop. Big difference.” Emmett defended himself.

“Anyway, back to what’s actually important.” Hunter cut in. “So, once you get out of here you’ll be able to rest easy knowing Babylon is full-steam ahead. No problems.”

“Thanks.” Brian forced a smile and weakly gave him a thumbs up. “Now, Honeycutt. Spill.”

“Don’t call me Honeycutt.” Emmett bit back at Brian, as he usually did when the brunet decided to poke the bear.

A silent stalemate started between them. Brian, being the stubborn person he is, knew that if he waited long enough, Emmett would break his silence to avoid feeling awkward.

“Fine! I met someone.” Emmett threw up his hands and exclaimed.

“Try again. You wouldn’t come all the way down here just to tell me about your latest sexual conquest.” Brian raised an eyebrow.

“Fine, last week I catered another art show at the Sydney Bloom Gallery, and Lindsey wouldn’t stop crying about how you cut her off and for nothing. So, she asked me if I would try talking to you for her.”

Brian sighed. “Did she tell you that she twisted my arm until I agreed to go to Justin’s show? Then, failed to tell me that Gus had the flu. She then stuck to my arm most of the night, which led to a transfer of germs. Then, I almost died. It wasn’t for nothing, as she put it.” 

Brian finished speaking and quickly grabbed a tissue as a coughing fit started up. When he pulled the paper away, it had spots of blood on it. He knew that both Emmett and Hunter saw, but was grateful they didn’t say anything.

“Bri, I wasn’t even going to bring it up. I know how Lindsay is. She wants what she wants, and she won’t stop til she gets it. And if something doesn’t go the way she wants, she plays the victim.”

“But you felt bad enough to tell her you’d do it.” Brian crumpled up the tissue into his fist and returned his eye contact to Emmett.

Emmett didn’t verbally respond. He simply nodded.

“I’m sorry to break up this beautiful moment.” Hunter stepped forward, a bit of sarcasm in his tone, “But who the fuck is Justin?”

Emmett smiled so big his whole face lit up. Brian could tell from the younger man’s eyes that he wasn’t about to get rest unless he responded accordingly. 

“Yes, Mr. Kinney. Who is Justin?” Emmett waggled his eyebrows. Which told Brian that Lindsay probably let slip that Justin was important to him.

“Just some kid I met at Mel and Linds’ on Christmas Eve. He’s an artist at the gallery.” Brian tried to brush them off, but Emmett wasn’t having anything of it.

“I saw his art as I was making the catering rounds that night. One piece in particular caught my attention. It was the street lamp from your book.” Emmett leaned forward. 

Brian hated how easy it was for Emmett to get him to open up.

“Fine, I barely noticed him on Christmas Eve, but then I went to see Lindsay at the gallery, and he was there, in the lobby, having a full-blown panic attack. I felt bad, knowing how much they suck. So, I helped him.” Brian shrugged.

“And?” Hunter chimed in. He was clearly enthralled with this latest gossip.

“And nothing. I talk to him on occasion when we both happen to be at the gallery at the same time.”

“That’s not all, Lindsay told me that his mom was your chemo buddy these last six months.”

“Only I didn’t know they were related until much later.” Brian tried to argue but he knew Emmett saw right through him.

“I’m sure he’s worried that you haven’t been by the gallery.” Emmett grabbed Brian’s hand and squeezed it. For once, Brian didn’t hate having another man’s hand in his.

“No, I ruined him even more by being around him. I’m sure he’s glad I’ve been MIA.” Brian paused to take another sip of water. When no one responded, he continued. “He came to see his mom at chemo the day I was admitted. He saw me vomit and bleed all over the place. And then he freaked and left. It’s all better off if we don’t interact anymore.”

Emmett rubbed his hand with his adjoining thumb. “Brian, I know you aren’t going to want to listen to me, but I’m going to give you advice anyway.”

He rolled his eyes toward the ceiling but still motioned for Emmett to continue speaking.

“Call him. I’m sure Justin has been freaking out about the unknown for weeks now. Hearing from you might actually make him feel better.”

“I can’t call him. I’ve done enough damage.” Brian whispered.

Emmett leaned over, placed a kiss on his forehead, and then said, “You rest up. Think about what I said.”

And with that, both Emmett and Hunter left Brian’s room as subtly as they had entered. And Brian drifted off to sleep again, visions of Justin’s crooked smile running through his mind. He really did miss him.

Chapter Text

Justin stared at the book. His mom had given it to him the last time she came over for a visit. It had been weeks since he’d last seen Brian and he wasn’t sure he even wanted to know how the man was. All the vomit and blood that day had freaked him out. He couldn’t help feeling that it had been a sign from the universe that he wasn’t meant to get better. After all, his life had been perfectly fine before Brian came walking into it. 

Okay, that was a lie. It hadn’t been fine, but it had been manageable. He was good at avoiding panic and triggers to his mental health. Only going to the gallery and occasionally the diner had been perfect for him. Then, he met Brian and that man’s subtle charm had somehow convinced him that he wanted more out of life. That leaving his apartment and interacting with others was perfectly safe. Until it wasn’t.

Now, it had been two weeks since he’d even left the confines of his apartment. When his mom had visited last week she had looked concerned, but didn’t say a word about it to Justin. He was sure she reported it all back to Brian, considering they were friends. Or maybe she didn’t because Brian didn’t ask. He was certain Brian wanted nothing to do with him after that display of cowardice he’d had at the treatment center. Brian was hurting and needed someone and Justin had tucked his tail and ran.

When his mom had given him the book he’d looked at her confused. He already had a copy of this book. In fact, he had 3 copies: a paperback, a first edition hardback, and a signed hardback that he’d ordered online from the publisher as a promotion when the sequel had come out. Now, Brian had gifted him a copy and he couldn’t understand why. She had explained that he should open it, and Justin had but hadn’t bothered to read the inscription. Why should he?

But, today, his chest was feeling particularly achy. He kind of missed Brian’s presence, but he wasn’t so far gone that he could call the man. No, that would be awkward and desperate. Brian had made it clear he didn’t want anything to do with Justin anymore. Not a word from him since that day. Justin imagined even if Brian was back in the hospital he would’ve sent word with Justin’s mom, but nothing.

With a sigh, Justin opened the front cover of the book and finally focused on Brian’s message.

Justin,

Isn’t it crazy how sometimes the words we need to hear most in the world come from our favorite novels. This one in particular has quite a few nuggets of inspiration and comfort. 

Listening to you talk about this book with a passion I’ve never experienced before has been my greatest joy these past weeks. I was around to see this book really come together and I know Mr. James would be delighted to know that at least one reader uses his words to keep his head on straight when the world around him is just too much. 

I wanted to reveal something to you, but I’m just not strong enough or brave enough. However, suffice it to say this book comforts me whenever I feel like I’ll never get to experience what Andy and Neil have.

Spending time with you has taught me that you don’t go looking for love, it finds you. 

Brian

Justin ran his finger over the words “you don’t go looking for love, it finds you.” His brain was running a mile a minute. He didn’t know what to do. What exactly did Brian mean by that phrase? Justin could feel his chest getting tight again and was on the verge of a panic attack when his computer dinged with an instant message. He was able to distract himself enough to stop the panic dead in its tracks.

SweeterThanHoney: Sunshine, we’ve all missed you and your art on the message boards. Hope you are well.

TheArtofSunshine: Hey, Honey. I’m okay. I’ve just been dealing with some personal things.

Before Justin could get a response from his frequent IM buddy, a notification for the Peter James message board popped up. It wasn’t often that someone put a message on the message board and tagged to notify everyone. This must mean something huge. Was Peter James’ fourth novel finally going to be released?

Justin clicked on the notification email and then the link to the message board. Once there he stopped dead in his tracks. 

BREAKING NEWS! Peter James has apparently severed ties with his publisher and pulled out of his final book in the publishing deal. His assistant has posted this message from Mr. James himself to his author website.

“My dedicated readers,

It is with sadness that I must announce I will no longer be writing a fourth novel in the Andy and Neil saga at this time. Maybe sometime down the road I will feel inspired again, but at this time personal matters must take precedence. I hope you understand. All my love and appreciation to you all.

• Peter James”

Before SweeterThanHoney could send out a response message, Justin clicked into their chat once more and started to word vomit to his online friend.

TheArtofJustin: HONEY! Did you see the breaking news? Why do you think Peter James has decided to stop writing? We’ve been waiting for this book for almost 4 years now. Why now? And what personal reasons could stop him from publishing until further notice?

SweeterThanHoney: Glad to hear you are doing okay. Though, I hope you aren’t using our chats as an excuse to be chronically online instead of going out and enjoying the world. It’s been weeks since you’ve mentioned your new friend Brian or even leaving your apartment. 

SweeterThanHoney: I did see the breaking news. Crazy! I can’t even hazard a guess what the problem could be. Maybe one of his family members or a spouse is ill and he has to take care of them. Maybe he got asked to run away to some remote island and be a leader to its people. Or maybe he’s decided to go to space as an astronaut.

TheArtofJustin: You are too funny. Honestly, your first guess is probably the most accurate…

SweeterThanHoney: ? 

TheArtofJustin: I think I just realized something. I will talk to you later. Maybe we will have more information on this shocking news by the end of the day.

Justin hurriedly turned off his computer and started pacing his apartment. His mind was crazed at this sudden realization that had hit him. He needed someone to talk it through with, but he wasn’t entirely sure who would be willing. Brian was definitely out of the question, all things considered. 

Then who?

—-

For the next twenty-four hours, Justin couldn’t quiet his brain. He’d been thinking for weeks now that Brian must know who Peter James is, or at least knew the author more intimately than he ever said. Even Lindsay seemed to be in on the secret considering she had seen Justin’s painting just before Christmas and had immediately called Brian into the room to witness it.

Back then, Justin hadn’t given a second thought to their flimsy excuse that the image of the street lamp reminded them of their old college campus. What?! But now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Add in the crazy notion that Peter James is done writing and Justin had more to think about than he’d thought possible. When he woke up the following morning, now two days since the breaking announcement, Justin knew exactly who he would talk to, Daphne.

So, he had called her over to his apartment and asked that she bring a pizza with her. Justin was nervous and anxious and excited all at once. His go-to food solution for that was always pizza. So, an hour or two later, Daphne appeared at his place with a large pepperoni pie in her hand. She had a quizzical look on her face, but no judgment to be found.

“It’s good to see you. Your mom mentioned you are no longer leaving your apartment. What happened? You were doing so well.” Daphne spouted off too quickly for Justin to actually answer her.

Finally, after a few moments, Daphne seemed to quiet down; leaving the floor open for Justin to talk. So, he did.

“What’s the point of leaving these four walls? It’s safe here. When I’m in my apartment nothing bad can happen.” Justin shrunk down, trying to make himself small.

“Bad things happen regardless of where you are. What matters is how you handle them. Last we spoke you had been so determined to work out your PTSD issues. You were leaving your apartment to do all sorts of things. Thanks to Brian.” Daphne’s face morphed into understanding as she uttered Brian’s name and saw Justin’s face shift into a pained expression.

“What happened to Brian?” She leaned across the kitchen island and reached for Justin’s hand.

“Doesn’t matter. He stopped talking to me. Clearly he wants nothing to do with me. All because I ran away instead of being strong and brave. I’m nothing more than a coward.”

“Justin, please calm down.” Daphne came around the counter and tried to stop Justin from continuing to pace the floor.

“Why don’t we rewind and you tell me why you think you’re a coward.” Her words reached into his soul and wrapped around him like a warm hug. Justin knew at that moment he’d made the right decision calling her instead of his mom.

A ding sounded at his computer, which was still open to Peter James’ website.

SweeterThanHoney: Hope you are well. 

It wasn’t intrusive, it wasn’t pushy. Just an internet friend checking in. That is something Justin had always loved about SweeterThanHoney. He wasn’t sure the user’s actual name, but when Justin least expected it they would send a message to check in.

TheArtofJustin: I’m fine. Busy.

Justin didn’t want to engage with his IM friend right now. Especially because Daphne was standing there waiting to hear Justin’s response. She wasn’t pushing either, and despite wanting to avoid the conversation, Justin preferred engaging with her than SweeterThanHoney.

“A few weeks ago, I went to visit my mom during one of her final chemo sessions. It was right after meeting with you at the coffee shop.” Justin bit his lip and shifted his weight between his two feet. “Brian was also there getting treatment. Then, he started to get sick and was bleeding from his nose. Instead of staying to see if he was alright, I ran away.”

“Justin.” Daphne sighed and wrapped her arms around him in a warming hug. “You aren’t a coward. I would’ve freaked out too. Did you ever stop to think that maybe he hasn’t reached out because he can’t?”

Justin leaned back to look his best friend in the eye. “Daph, it’s been 2 weeks, at least, and nothing. Radio silence. I’ve heard him loud and clear.”

“You did say you freaked out because he had a negative reaction to his treatment. Did you ever think maybe he’s been in the hospital this whole time and can’t call? Or he can call but won’t because he thinks he’s ruined you just as much as you think you’ve ruined him?”

Justin stepped out of Daphne’s arms completely this time. He started to shift his weight once more and wring his hands. What she’d said was totally logical and he hated that he hadn’t come to those conclusions himself. Once again his PTSD/anxiety brain had convinced him that he was the worst person in the world. But, he couldn’t focus on that now. One of Daphne’s thoughts connected his two disjointed theories about the latest Peter James update.

“I think Brian is Peter James.” Justin finally blurted out. His words hung in the air between the two. Daphne’s mouth opened and closed a few times but no words came out. 

Finally, after what felt like hours, Daphne cleared her throat and said, “How do you know?”

“I don’t, not for certain anyway. I just have my suspicions.” Justin shrugged and walked over to his computer to gather his “evidence”.

He motioned for Daphne to join him at his small desk. She did, her face not revealing her thoughts on Justin’s declaration which was both nerve wracking and a relief.

“So, my first piece of evidence is that my nondescript street lamp painting that was part of my last show was recognizable by both my boss, Lindsay, and Brian. When I asked why they had such a reaction to the painting, Brian and Lindsay both shrugged it off as ‘it reminds us of Carnegie Mellon campus.’” Justin paused briefly, to give Daphne a chance to react if she wanted to.

“Well, I guess that could be evidence, but it’s not entirely strong is it?” She looked at Justin with concern.

“No, but add it to the fact that Brian is a published author, but I haven’t been able to find him anywhere on a google search except an article that highlighted him when he graduated summa cum laude at Carnegie Mellon quite some time ago.”

“Okay so he writes under a false name.” Daphne shrugged, Justin could tell she wasn’t thoroughly convinced so he had to pull out the big guns.

“How about he just happened to get sick, aka the last time I saw him, right before a release was published to Peter James’ website stating that Peter James had ended his contract and wouldn’t be producing a 4th novel after all. After months of Mr. James giving updates and assurances that this book might be harder for him to write, but that he’d be publishing it eventually.” Justin gave her a pointed look.

“I know you are looking for some kind of reason to believe in love and connection in a world where you are scared to walk outside. However, that doesn’t mean this new friend you’ve made is also your favorite author.” Daphne gave him a soft, compassionate look of sympathy.

“I did mention that I didn’t know for sure, just that I have a strong feeling about it.” Justin shrugged. He was a bit put off by the fact that Daphne didn’t believe him. 

“It’s not that I don’t support what you believe, it’s just that I don’t want you to get your hopes up, have it not be true, and then fall even deeper into whatever this is. I loved getting to see you at the coffee shop that day. It shows that you are working on getting better.” Daphne reached out and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, well, I have been sent into a panic every time I try to leave my apartment since that day. So, maybe I tried too hard, too fast.” Justin shrugged, his mood dampened by Daphne’s reaction.

“I don’t think you did. I think seeing Brian bleed like that took you back to your own attack. It’s not that you did too much, it’s that your brain wasn’t prepared to experience such an event. It’s okay to freak out. Every journey has its setbacks.” Daphne pulled Justin to her and wrapped him up in her arms.

Justin hugged her back. He was so appreciative that Daphne still had his back no matter how much time had passed between seeing each other. That small gesture eased his mind better than anything else had in the past few weeks.

“Did I show you the biggest piece of evidence I have?” Justin pulled away with a grin as he pulled out the book his mom had given him.

“The book?” Daphne was clearly confused. “You have like a million copies of it. What makes this one so special?”

“Because, Brian wrote a note in it and gave it to my mom to give to me.” Justin handed it to her. “Mom said that he’d wanted to give it to me as a congratulations on a completely sold out show.” 

“Oh my gosh! You sold all the art at your show?!” Daphne’s grin took over her entire face. “Sorry, not the issue at hand right now.”

Justin shook his head. “Just read it. And then you’ll see why I think he’s the actual author.”

Daphne opened the book and started to read aloud.

Justin,

Isn’t it crazy how sometimes the words we need to hear most in the world come from our favorite novels. This one in particular has quite a few nuggets of inspiration and comfort. 

Listening to you talk about this book with a passion I’ve never experienced before has been my greatest joy these past weeks. I was around to see this book really come together and I know Mr. James would be delighted to know that at least one reader uses his words to keep his head on straight when the world around him is just too much. 

I wanted to reveal something to you, but I’m just not strong enough or brave enough. However, suffice it to say this book comforts me whenever I feel like I’ll never get to experience what Andy and Neil have.

Spending time with you has taught me that you don’t go looking for love, it finds you. 

Brian

“If anything I would say this makes a case for Brian being totally in love with you. I mean that last line alone. HELLO! That’s a bold move.” Daphne gave Justin her signature Chanders look.

“I believe there was a specific line that states, and I quote, ‘I wanted to reveal something to you, but I’m just not strong enough or brave enough.’ Ergo he is the author of my favorite book and is too scared to say because he’s worried that I’ll not take it well.” Justin moved his hands animatedly as he spoke.

“Maybe.” Daphne stated, her face showing she wasn’t fully convinced. “Just don’t get your hopes set on it being true.”

Justin shook his head. “I swear, you are my nearest and dearest friend but you’re also the biggest pain. Can’t you just be excited with me?”

“I am excited for you, if it’s true. However, I know how unsteady your mental health is and I don’t want to see you backsliding too much.”

“Fine.” Justin sighed. He didn’t bother bringing up the moment a few weeks ago when Lindsay had addressed Brian by the nickname “Peter.”

Justin glanced toward his laptop, contemplating if he should bring up his theory to SweeterThanHoney. Their online friendship had been sustaining him for years now, but there was still that concern that because he didn't know him in person, Honey could easily hurt him. However, SweeterThanHoney had proven time and time again that he had Justin’s back even if it was just from cyberspace. So, he quickly tapped out a message to his friend and then moved away to speak to Daphne some more.

TheArtofJustin: Hey, Honey, I have a theory re: Peter James I want to run by you when you come online.

Daphne handed him a slice of pizza and the two friends sat around Justin’s kitchen counter and enjoyed their favorite childhood feast. Even though Daphne was a mom now, she still acted as if they were lonely high school students just trying to escape their unreasonable parents.

“This takes me back to studying together for the SATs.” Justin commented with a playful shove to Daphne’s shoulder as she snorted out a laugh.

“God that was a lifetime ago.” Daphne laughed, “Before bashings and babies to be sure.”

“Do you miss it?” Justin asked before he had time to stop himself.

“I miss who we used to be. I miss how confident and devil-may-care you were toward the world.” Daphne reached out and caressed Justin’s cheek with a soft look.

“Yeah, me too.” Justin mumbled, and then he cleared his throat and stepped back, breaking the spell. “But, we can’t go back. We just have to try and keep moving forward.”

Daphne gave him a sad, pinched look. Justin knew she was about to voice her concern for his mental health, so he changed the subject fast.

“So, tell me more about Julie. Like who is her dad, are you guys together, are you married? Just all of the things!” Justin grabbed another piece of pizza from the box next to him on the counter.

Daphne wasn’t dumb enough to believe he was truly interested in that very second, but she was also gracious enough to let him leave the subject of Brian and his potential alter ego dormant – for now.

“Well, like I told you the other day, she is four years old. I wouldn’t say I was expecting her when she came along, but she has been the universe’s greatest gift to me. Her father and I aren’t together, but we co-parent as perfectly as I could have ever hoped for.” Daphne also took another slice of pizza.

“Darren was charming and sweet, but I had known from the beginning it was only supposed to be a fling. So, when I found out I was pregnant I told him he didn’t have any obligation to be with me. I just needed him to help provide for his child. He agreed and we’ve been co-parenting friends ever since.” She gave a shrug and then fell silent.

“Would you get back together with him if he were to ask?” Justin questioned his best friend’s motives. Based on what little Daphne was saying he got the idea that she wasn’t over him and maybe he wasn’t over her either. 

“I mean…” Daphne started, but then stopped. “I wouldn’t say no. He’s the father of my child. Plus, we are friends.”

“Well, maybe the universe has been telling you this whole time that Darren is the guy for you.” Justin gave her a pointed look.

“Like it has with Brian?” Daphne turned the conversation back.

Justin ducked his head, “Brian’s not in love with me. He just feels sorry for me. Besides, we’ve only known each other for a few weeks. Like a month give or take.”

“I don’t know. I think the fact that he supports your art, knows how to help you at your worst, and gave you that book says he cares quite a bit. People don’t do those kinds of things out of pity,” Daphne reasoned.

“You don’t know.” Justin argued, but even he knew the argument was extremely weak. “Whatever, even if he does it's not like either of us are in a good position to start a relationship.”

“I can see why you’d say that about him, the cancer of it all. But, you? There is nothing stopping you from voicing your feelings. Well, nothing but your own head.” Daphne tilted her head and Justin knew she was right.

“Yeah, which is a very large barrier.” Justin pointed out, his gaze falling to the counter, but he could still feel the heat of Daphne’s stare.

“I’m pretty sure two weeks ago you wouldn’t have said the same. What you need is a conversation with Brian to get you out of your head. Why don’t you just call him? I’m sure he would be happy to hear from you.”

“I told you, I haven’t heard anything from him in two weeks.” Justin tried to argue.

“Okay, before all of this, when you guys saw each other would he ever call you?” Daphne’s look gave away that she had something up her sleeve.

Justin reached back and rubbed the back of his head. The more he thought things over, the more he realized that maybe Daphne was on to something. “Well, um, not exactly.”

After a brief pause to collect his own thoughts, Justin elaborated, “We’d either meet each other at the gallery or I would call him. There was never an opportunity or situation where he needed to call.”

Daphne reached over to the spot on the counter where his cell phone sat and handed it to Justin, “Call him.” 

Then, she gave him a kiss on his cheek, grabbed her coat, and was gone. Justin sat there in silence for a bit staring at his phone. He did have Brian’s number so he could call the guy. But, before he could make a decision one way or the other, his laptop chimed with a new IM message.

SweeterThanHoney: What is this theory? I am all ears. : )

Justin smiled at the simple message from his friend. 

TheArtofJustin: Before I tell you, can I at least get your real name?

SweeterThanHoney: I got my username from my last name: Honeycutt. I don’t feel comfortable giving a first name just yet.

TheArtofJustin: That’s completely fair. I haven’t ever told you mine, but it’s in my username.

TheArtofJustin: Anyway, nice to meet you Honeycutt ; )

SweeterThanHoney: It’s nice to meet you too, Justin.

TheArtofJustin: Anyways, so my theory is that the friend I’ve been telling you about, Brian, is actually Peter James.

Unlike the last few minutes, Honeycutt doesn’t immediately respond to Justin’s message. In fact, the typing indicator kept popping up for a few seconds and then going away. Almost as if Honeycutt was trying to formulate a proper response. Which was weird. Shouldn’t he immediately be asking questions?

SweeterThanHoney: Oh? What gave you that idea?

TheArtofJustin: Well, a few times when I’ve hung out with Brian and his friend Lindsay, who happens to be my unofficial boss by the way, Lindsay has called him Peter. Then, he was very interested in my painting that I created as an homage to Street Lamp of Destiny . On top of that, it seems a bit suspicious that just when I know for a fact that Brian’s cancer battle took a turn Peter James releases a statement. Plus, I know Brian is an author and has written three books and is working on his fourth.

SweeterThanHoney: You do make a compelling argument. I’m not sure I can fully agree.

SweeterThanHoney: Only because I don’t know this Brian you speak of. Your evidence is definitely sound enough to back up your theory.

TheArtofJustin: I wish you could meet my friend. He’s quiet and reserved, but once you get to know him you can tell just how deeply he cares for others. Most people think he’s this reclusive asshole, but I think it’s just his illness that keeps him distanced from everyone.

SweeterThanHoney: You seem to care about him yourself.

TheArtofJustin: Can I admit something that stays between us?

SweeterThanHoney: Of course! I wouldn’t tell a soul. 

TheArtofJustin: I think the reason I’ve been stuck in my apartment for the past two weeks is because I saw him cough up blood, like a lot of it. And, my brian freaked out because it brought me back to my attack. 

TheArtofJustin: Plus, I think I like him. Like I haven’t liked anyone ever before in my life. I could potentially see myself with him for the long haul.

A few more seconds passed in silence. Justin started to worry he had said too much and had freaked out his online companion. Thinking over it himself he wasn’t sure what compelled him to finally put words to how Brian made him feel. Which increased how much it all freaked him out. He’d only known Brian for around 6 weeks. He shouldn’t feel so intensely about him and yet, each time Justin thought of the way Brian smiled when interacting with Gus his heart melted.

SweeterThanHoney: Have you told him any of this?

TheArtofJustin: Are you kidding me? That’s completely insane. We’ve only known each other a few weeks.

SweeterThanHoney: Neil and Andy only knew each other a few weeks before they fell into their intense love affair.

TheArtofJustin: Which is why Books 2 and 3 comprised of the two not being on the same page. They didn’t give themselves enough time to know one another before jumping into a commitment.

SweeterThanHoney: I would argue that underneath all the discord and uncertainty that rises to the surface during Books 2 and 3, is a deeper, more stronger love than anyone could ever imagine.

This time it was Justin’s turn to be silent. Honeycutt had a good point. Hell, even Justin believed that about his favorite series. It was funny he had made that analogy given how he truly felt about the 2nd and 3rd books. Sure, they weren’t his favorites over the first, but that didn’t mean he hated the character growth they both had yielded. 

TheArtofJustin: Yeah. You’re right. Maybe I should talk to Brian. But the question is, do I try to talk to him face-to-face or do I just call him up?

SweeterThanHoney: Is there someone you can ask who might know where you could find Brian? Or even for a simple update to be certain he’s okay before you either visit him or give him a call?

TheArtofJustin: I mean, my boss at the gallery. She’s the mom to Brian’s son. I’m sure she would know.

SweeterThanHoney: There, you see. I say take the bus across town to the gallery and talk to her first.

TheArtofJustin: I haven’t done that in a little over 2 weeks.

SweeterThanHoney: All the more reason for you to attempt it. Get back on the horse.

TheArtofJustin: Okay. Thanks, Honeycutt.

SweeterThanHoney: Always. Tell me how it goes with your boss and hopefully also with Brian.

–

Justin was nervous the entire time he was on the bus that carried him from his apartment to the gallery. In fact, someone shifted during the drive and somewhat landed on him when they lost their balance. That had come narrowly close to activating a panic attack. But, he was able to count to twenty in his head while taking deep breaths and avoiding disaster. Maybe Brian’s influence these past few weeks hadn’t been as nonexistent as he thought.

Before he knew it, Justin was standing just outside the Sidney Bloom Gallery. The scene where Neil and Andy make love for the first time, in the back third of the book, plays in his ears as Justin tries to work up the nerve to enter the building. Then, taking a deep breath, pausing the audiobook, and steeling his features, Justin stepped inside. Lindsay was fluttering around all over the place so she didn’t notice him at first, but once she did, she gave an excited exclamation and smiled from ear to ear.

“JUSTIN! My goodness, it’s so good to see you.” Lindsay exclaimed as she wrapped the blond up in a hug that was a tad too tight for his comfort.

“It’s good to see you too.” Justin muttered out. “Can’t breathe.”

“Oh, sorry!” Lindsay let him go and stepped back. “So, what brings you here?”

“Well, a couple of good friends pointed out that I was being silly staying at my apartment all the time.” Justin shrugged with a half grin plastered on his face for good measure.

“You have PTSD. Everyone, including me, understands.” Lindsay attempted to placate him, but Justin wasn’t having it.

“No, they were right. What, I see Brian with a bloody nose and all of a sudden I can’t step outside my door? That’s ridiculous.” Justin lifted his shoulders, but didn’t complete the shrug.

“I can only imagine how scary that must’ve been to see.” Lindsay whispered, her hand landing on Justin’s shoulder in comfort. But today it felt like a lead weight so Justin wriggled away from it.

“Besides, I need to finish this new series eventually and to do that I have to finish the first piece.” Justin motioned toward his art studio. “I should get started.”

Lindsay nodded, “It’s good to see you, Justin.”

As Justin closed himself into his studio space he leaned his back against the closed door. He breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn’t asked Lindsay how to get in touch with Brian, but maybe working on his art first would give him the strength he needed to cross that bridge.

He stepped forward toward his barely started canvas. It already had tons of yellows to give a positive, sunny vibe. But, thinking about what had happened to Brian that day, Justin wanted this painting to reflect more of his inner conflict. There was love and joy, but also sadness and pain.

So, without a second thought, he picked up one of his paintbrushes and dipped it in red. Then, he flung the paint onto the canvas, not caring where the red would land. It stood out stark against the yellows, blues, and greens that had been melded together to create the background. He repeated the process until every inch of the painting had red splatters in some way. Justin stepped back and admired the feelings his finished painting invoked. 

A soft knock sounded on his door as Justin brought his painting hand up to his mouth to bite the tip of his thumb. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to add more to this painting or call it complete. He looked up and strode the width of the room in three steps to open the door.

“Hey, I just wanted to check to be sure you’re okay.” Lindsay whispered. Her eyes flicked to the painting behind Justin and she frowned.

“Oh Justin, what happened? Were you not happy with it? Is that why you ruined it?” Lindsay leaned forward to further inspect the red splatters.

Justin shook his head, trying to remember that Lindsay wasn’t often capable of seeing the vision with his art. She was a very chipper person who probably never had to endure true hardship in her life. Therefore, Justin’s more complex emotions conveyed in his art often went over her head. 

“No, I wanted my piece to look like that. It’s a combination of emotions. Life isn’t ever all good or all bad. Often it’s a mix.” Justin looked at his new piece fondly. He knew right then and there he didn’t want to show this one or even sell it to anyone.

“I’m intrigued to see what the other pieces in your next show will look like if this is anything to go on.” Lindsay spun around and faced Justin with a big smile on her face.

“Oh this actually isn’t for my next series. Originally I thought it was, but now that I’ve finished it I realized there is only one person I want to see this aside from you and me.” Justin shrugged and moved to clean up his brushes.

Lindsay continued to look at it. The longer she did, the more her face reflected how much she was slowly beginning to understand everything Justin had put into this painting.

“What will you call it?” Lindsay looked away and turned her attention to Justin once more.

“No idea.” Justin shrugged. He did know but he wasn’t about to tell Lindsay. “Unrelated, do you know how Brian is doing? I haven’t heard from him or seen him since he had his setback at chemo a few weeks ago.”

Lindsay’s demeanor turned sad, “Unfortunately, he cut me off around then. He’s blaming me for getting sick. Turns out he caught the flu and he thinks I didn’t tell him Gus had been down with the flu, even though I did.”

Justin continued to wash his brushes thoroughly. He wasn’t about to get in the middle of whatever was going on between Lindsay and Brian. He contemplated his next question carefully.

“Do you think if I call him, he would answer?” Justin asked.

“I’m sure for you he would.” Lindsay forced a smile in his direction. 

Justin nodded. He placed his clean brushes on a paper towel to dry and started to gather up his things. He hadn’t stayed here more than half an hour, but it was enough for his first excursion out in two weeks. 

“Thanks, Lindsay. I should go. I’m already starting to feel on the verge of a panic attack.” Justin forced a smile and then walked out of his studio with Lindsay on his heels.

“I think Brian is still in the hospital. I haven’t heard otherwise from the family so that would be my guess.” She reached out to pat him on the shoulder, but he stumbled back til his body was against the door of his studio. 

“Please don’t. Not today.” Justin mumbled as he fumbled with the door, remembering that he had wanted to take a picture of the painting for his own records. 

Lindsay nodded in understanding and then she was gone, back to the front should any paying customers come in.

Once Justin had taken the requisite photos for his own portfolio, he left the studio once more and locked the door. He walked toward the back entrance instead of the front one this time. He wasn’t sure where he was going, but once Lindsay stopped hovering that uneasy feeling in his gut went away. So, now he was feeling brave enough to make another stop somewhere, but he wasn’t sure where.

His phone dinged with a text from Lindsay.

From: Lindsay SBG

1:45 pm

Hey, Justin. I just reached out to my friend Emmett and he said that Brian is still in the hospital and will probably be there for quite a few more weeks. Apparently he’s not doing too well.

Justin closed his phone after reading that. His mind had been made up for him. Only, this time he wouldn’t take the bus to the hospital. No, Justin was going to hail a cab, much more efficient and less nerve wracking.

–

Once he reached the hospital, Justin realized that he had made a big mistake. What if they don’t let me see him? What if I get there and he doesn’t want me there? Maybe I should just go back home. 

He was saved from his inner monologue by his mom’s voice. “Justin?” 

He looked up and took a deep breath, recentering himself. “Hey, mom.” Then he looked around, confused, “I thought you were done with chemo?”

“I am. I was visiting my good friend Brian. He started his second round of chemo today.” Jen replied, knowing full well she could’ve just said Brian. But, Justin suspected she wanted to tease him a bit.

“He did?” Justin’s thoughts raced at the news that Brian had to endure more chemo.

“Yeah, but he’s too weak to leave the hospital so he gets his chemo treatments in his room for now.” Jen reached out and hugged her son to her chest, “They are hoping he can go home in a few weeks.”

“Can I go and visit him?” Justin pulled out of his mom’s arms. “He’s not too sick?”

“Of course! He’s in the middle of a treatment, but I’m sure seeing you would make his day.” His mom pulled back and then added, “You didn’t hear this from me, but he’s been very anxious and mopey since all this started. I suspect he feels guilty because you ran away.”

“It’s not his fault. It was just…all that blood…” Justin tapered off, shuffling his feet.

“I know. Maybe it’s time you tell him.” His mom quirked her eyebrow and then gave Justin another kiss on the cheek. “Room 309.”

Justin smiled at her and then headed to the elevators. No need to bother the nurse at the intake desk if he knew where he was going. Besides, the nurses on the 3rd floor would probably stop him if he wasn’t supposed to be there. Justin’s thoughts swirled a million miles an hour as he took the elevator up. He hoped his nerves wouldn’t get the better of him before he reached Brian’s room. 

In fact, he made it to the 3rd floor, past the nurses’ station, and was about to enter Room 309 when he heard noises going on in the room. His brain tried to tell him it wasn’t a good time, but Justin took a deep breath and pushed himself to open the door. Before he could, a nurse came bustling out and almost ran right into him. 

“Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I didn’t see you there.” She smiled cheerfully as she held some dirty blankets in her hands. “Are you here for this patient or were you looking for a nurse?”

Justin licked his lips and shoved his hands into his pocket to quiet his nerves. “I’m here to visit Brian Kinney.” 

She smiled even brighter, “Perfect timing! He’ll be so happy to have a visitor or he’ll hate it. I can’t tell for sure, but go on in.”

“But if he will hate it…” Justin started.

“I was joking. Brian’s bark is worse than his bite. But if you’re here to see him you must know that already.” She motioned her head back toward the room as a signal that Justin had the all clear to enter.

Justin took another deep breath. He closed his eyes and prepared himself to see lots of tubes and wires and a sickly Brian. Unfortunately, no amount of imagining could prepare him for what he actually saw. Once he was in the room, Justin could see that Brian’s bed was the only one in this particular room. The man in question was propped up in his bed, but he wasn’t sitting upright. In the two or so weeks that had passed since they’d previously seen each other, Brian had lost a lot of weight, especially in his face. It almost sent Justin into tears seeing how weak the man now was.

He forced as big of a smile as he could manage before uttering a nervous greeting. “Hey. I’m sorry it took me so long to visit.”

Brian’s eyes slowly made contact with Justin’s, it was as if even the slightest moves zapped the older man of any energy he had. Justin waited patiently, hanging as close to the wall as possible, a bit terrified to get too close to the clearly fragile man. Brian opened his mouth as if he were to speak, but no words came out. It was a moment of him opening and closing before the sounds he’d been trying to produce came out of him.

“That’s okay,” Brian’s voice wasn’t any louder than a whisper, forcing Justin to step up to the side of his bed and take the available seat. “I’m sure what happened would freak anyone.” 

It felt as though Brian wanted to say even more, but seeing how hard it was for him to utter the 10 words he had, Justin stopped him by speaking.

“Yes, I was freaked out, but not for the reason you would think. Typically I’m fine with blood. But, the amount of blood coming out of your body was significant. It reminded me of the police photos I forced my mom to show me when I woke up from my coma ten years ago.” Justin pulled his gaze from Brian’s tired one to stare at his hands. 

Brian didn’t respond, but Justin hadn’t expected he would. If there was one thing Brian had always been good at, it was being respectful of those around him. The man had never been one to speak until he was entirely certain the other person was done. 

“I know you and Lindsay both know I am the way I am because I was attacked when I was 18, but what you don’t know is that I was bashed by a classmate because I had the audacity to fight against my school’s extremely bigoted views. I was vocal about being gay and so the star of the football team tried to silence me for it.” Justin finally brought his gaze up to lock in on Brian once more.

Brian turned his head away from Justin to look up at the ceiling for a bit. Then, he closed his eyes and sighed before he turned back to look at Justin. The blond wished he could know what thoughts were running through Brian’s mind in those few moments. But, he knew Brian probably wouldn’t elaborate. So, instead he’d have to hope whatever Brian did say wasn’t going to completely derail Justin’s plan for this conversation they desperately needed to have.

“I’m sorry.” Brian’s apology was small and surreal. Here was a man Justin barely knew, but was aware he didn’t really believe in apologies, apologizing to Justin for his experience. 

Justin wasn’t sure if Brian was saying he was sorry Justin had to experience such a horrible thing or if he was apologizing in the general sense like most people did out of pity. But, when Brian opened his mouth again his response took Justin’s breath away. Brian’s breath came out in small puffs and he had to pause frequently as he spoke, but the message still came through loud and clear. 

“You should never be silenced. Your voice? It matters. I see that when I look at your art. I’m glad your basher wasn’t successful. The world deserves to see all the beauty you put into it.” 

Justin didn’t know what possessed him to do what he did next, but he didn’t regret it in the slightest. He reached out and held Brian’s hand. The older man’s were softer than Justin expected. There was a gentle roughness there that showed Brian had been through some things in his life. As Justin interlocked their fingers he felt what was undoubtedly a faded scar on the side of his palm, along the outer side. He stroked his pinky along it for a few seconds and then looked into Brian’s eyes.

Before he could say what he wanted, Brian pulled his hand from Justin’s and grabbed the bucket that Justin hadn’t previously seen. Seconds later, the older man was vomiting into it and Justin found himself reaching for Brian’s back and rubbing it in comfort. Again, he wasn’t sure what possessed him to do either of these things, but something in him ached to let Brian know how much the man meant to him. Once Brian was done he leaned back against his pillows and sighed. 

Justin moved his hand so that it cupped the side of Brian’s face. He used it to pull Brian’s attention back to him. Brian complied without issue.

“Remember how right before all this happened I told you I was working on a new series. And how I was worried that people wouldn’t like it?” Justin leaned forward so that he could whisper and be inside Brian’s intimate bubble.

Brian tried to smile, despite everything going on, “The one about hope and happiness? Yeah, I remember.”

Justin reached into his back pocket, without breaking eye contact with Brian. As he did that he spoke, “I finished that particular painting today. Only, now I don’t want it to be part of my new series.”

Brian wrinkled his brow in confusion. “Why not?”

Instead of responding, Justin looked down at his phone and played around until he could find what he was looking for. The pictures he had taken at the studio just an hour or so ago. He selected the one with the best lighting, enlarged it, and then turned the phone so the picture would show in a horizontal orientation. The minute he turned his screen around to show Brian, the older man was already grabbing the phone with his left hand. Justin watched the brunet as he examined every inch of Justin’s latest painting.

In the silence, Justin started to doubt the messaging and by extension the genius of the painting. 

“This is…” Brian stopped, looked Justin in the eyes, and smiled. “This is brilliant.”

Justin briefly ducked his head to hide the pleased smile Brian’s comment had invoked in him. Brian cleared his throat around a small cough and then continued speaking.

“I love how you mixed the colors to show that sometimes things can be happy and sad or healing and damaging all at once.” 

With that Justin felt a few tears escape his eyes. Brian had nailed his vision without even having to ask any questions. So he responded in a wet voice, “I knew you’d understand.”

“I mean that’s life.” Brian shrugged, his eyes still raking over every inch of the photo on Justin’s phone. It seemed as though Brian was obsessed.

Justin interlocked his hand with Brian’s right once more and stared at the scar his pinky couldn’t stop stroking. Brian knew pain better than anyone else Justin had ever known. And much like Justin he never talked about it. Until now.

“Sometimes the happiest day of your life can be ruined in a split second.”

“Or you can find yourself spending time with someone who makes you happy beyond words despite you being at your worst.” Brian spoke up.

Justin lifted his head. “I painted it for my series, but when it was finished I knew that I only wanted one person in the world to own it.” 

A silence fell between them as the two men gazed into each other’s eyes. Justin was certain that Brian felt all the same things Justin did, but neither of them were brave enough to say it out loud.

“Spending time with you has taught me that you don’t go looking for love, it finds you.” Justin whispered, his eyes still locked on Brian. 

“You read my note?” Brian muttered, a smile creeping onto his lips.

Justin wanted nothing more than to feel those lips upon his. So, despite knowing Brian had vomited not ten minutes ago, he leaned closer and placed his lips on Brian’s. The kiss wasn’t intense or even sensual. It was gentle and slow, much like they were. Brian’s left hand came up to cup the back of Justin’s head, but instead of opening his mouth to deepen the kiss he pulled back a bit so that their foreheads could touch. 

Brian having a coughing fit broke their spell, but it only served to put a tiny bit of space between them. They were still touching one another and maintaining eye contact. Then, Justin completely ended the intimacy of the moment.

“I know you are Peter James.”

Chapter Text

Brian stared at Justin, the words unable to be formed as his brain short-circuited and then rebooted at Justin’s words.

I know you are Peter James.

The blond looked at him expectantly, but Brian wasn’t even sure what to say. He’d kept this secret so close to his chest for so long, someone finding out and telling him about it was not a scenario he’d ever anticipated. His tongue darted out to wet his lips as he looked past Justin in the hopes a response would pop out at him on the opposite wall.

It didn’t. But, he did manage to calm his anxiety a bit when Justin’s hand found its way back into Brian’s with their fingers lacing together.

“H-how?” Brian finally managed to sputter out, his head leaning back against the pillows. His knitted beanie shifted a bit with the motion, causing the air to hit the nape of his neck unexpectedly. He used his other arm to reach back and adjust the hat, he didn’t need Justin seeing that he had finally decided to shave off his hair. At least not right now. One mess at a  time he supposed.

“My first clue? You know the book cover to cover, but not in a ‘I had to read it to be aware of the competition’ sort of way. In a way that shows you really know the material.” Justin’s voice was tentative and soft.

“I could just be a fan.” Brian halfheartedly responded, he was still leaning back against his pillows considering his body was still deeply exhausted. So, the gaze that met Justin’s was half-lidded and vulnerable.

“Maybe.” Justin pondered, as if he was actually considering Brian’s feeble attempt as factual. “But, then there is the ever elusive fourth book.”

This one took Brian by surprise. He raised his eyebrow in question. Justin tucked his lips and smirked.

“When we met you and Lindsay both talked about your next novel and how it wasn’t coming to you. Which made your editor mad.” Justin pointed out. “And, Peter James has been stringing fans along for many years now teasing that the fourth book will be coming soon. Always coming soon. Never any actual statements that it was finished and needed to be edited.”

Brian closed his eyes and smiled. He had definitely underestimated the level of dedication Justin had to his book series. His ears perked up as Justin continued speaking without any input from Brian.

“Then, the other day an update was added to Peter James’ site. This one was an apology letter of sorts letting the fans know that the fourth book had been shelved indefinitely.”

“Okay, so your favorite author has been working on a fourth book for years. I too am on my fourth book. I wouldn’t say the evidence is compelling.”

“You don’t think the timing of Peter James signing off indefinitely is a little suspect? I mean it happened only a few weeks after you were admitted to the hospital.” Justin gave Brian a knowing look, in fact his gaze was so sharp it felt like it was searing into Brian’s soul.

As much as Brian wanted to continue to deny it. Keeping up appearances had been his whole brand as an author. He didn’t reveal his secret identity or real identity to anyone, no matter how much he felt he could trust it. But, with Justin here was a man who had figured it out on his own and then dared to confront Brian about it. 

“I can’t continue working on a novel when I can barely stay lucid for any extended period of time right now.” Brian whispered, his eyes slipping closed the exhaustion hitting him all at once.

Justin didn’t respond. Instead he squeezed their interlocked hands. Brian didn’t know how he felt knowing that someone so foreign to his life knew his secret. Sure, he and Justin had been getting to know one another over the past few months. But the young artist had barely scraped the surface. Now, here he was admitting that he knew one of the most intimate things about Brian. 

“I did plan to finish it. But then I found out my cancer came back.” Brian mumbled, not opening his eyes.

“I know.” Justin whispered, his free hand reaching up to cup Brian’s cheek; forcing him to open his eyes.

What Brian found wasn’t anger or resentment from finding out a lie, but understanding and comfort. He couldn’t understand how Justin could be like this.

As if he heard Brian’s thoughts, Justin responded. “I was a bit upset at first. But then I thought about how hard it must be to protect the life you want to keep. Especially right now. I’d hate to be known by the general public and not get to have solitary moments in my most vulnerable times.”

“I don’t want to be pitied.” Brian whispered, his eyes not leaving Justin’s. “I didn’t tell you when I first realized because I didn’t want my life to change. I liked the quietness of our interactions. How freeing and simple they were.”

When Brian needed to pause to take another break, Justin stayed quiet. His patience and stillness was what pushed Brian forward and allowed him to be vulnerable. There was no pressure coming from Justin to apologize or perform in any sort of way. 

“I didn’t want to become this figure to you that would either scare you away or have you fawning all over me.”

Justin nodded, “I probably would’ve freaked out and never let you speak to me again. Figuring it out for myself was frustrating at first, but then I realized I understood. It’s the same reason until a few weeks ago I’ve never shown myself to the public.”

Brian was about to respond when his nurse came back into the room. She had some medications for him and some water she wanted him to try drinking. Brian knew she was only doing her job, but he fucking hated the medication portion of his day. It was bad enough to have all the chemo, but the liquid meds with the horrendous after taste and the chalky horse pills were almost worse. His exhaustion was also getting the better of him and he knew that soon he’d fall asleep again.

“Justin,” Brian choked out after swallowing down some of the pills. “I appreciate you coming here, but I’m about to fall asleep, it’s going to be severely boring if you stick around.”

The nurse smiled at Justin and nodded, “I think we should let Mr. Kinney get his rest.”

Justin’s hand landed softly on top of Brian’s, forcing the man to open his eyes after gagging down the liquid medications. What he found there was a determination he wasn’t sure what to make of at that moment.

“If it’s okay, I thought I could just sit here with you for a bit. I like the quiet and there’s a few finishing touches I need to put into the conceptual for my next painting.” Justin asked gently as he held up a tablet Brian hadn’t realized he’d brought with him.

How could Brian deny him this? After worrying that his blood bath at chemo a few weeks ago had been too much for Justin. That he had pushed the young man too hard and too fast. Brian forced a smile and gave a small shrug of his shoulders. Who was he to stop someone from wanting to hang out with him?

“Okay. Don’t mind me. I’ll be resting my eyes.” And with that, Brian closed his eyes, leaned back against his pillows, and let sleep overtake him as the exhaustion overwhelmed him.

When he next woke up, Justin was curled up in a chair in the corner by the window, no longer right next to the bed. His headphones were on his head and his face was in thinking mode. Brian silently watched the young man use an electronic pen on his tablet and bite his thumb on occasion as he contemplated what he was working on. It was like a peak into the artist’s mind. Brian found it to be calming and centering all at once. Somehow, sleeping and then waking up to Justin’s presence gave him a vitality he hadn’t been able to find since his second cancer journey had begun. 

Before Brian could alert Justin to the fact he was now awake, the door opened slowly with a soft knock. Brian slowly turned his attention in that direction and smiled as Emmett entered the room with a sealed container in his hands. Not worried about Justin, knowing the lad had his headphones on, Brian greeted his friend.

“Em. Hey.” Brian tried his best to smile, but it didn’t quite land like he knew it used to.

“I brought you some delicious homemade chicken broth with vegetables. Figured I’d fatten you up.” Emmett winked and then gracefully sat down in the seat by the bed and placed the container on the side table. His gaze briefly glanced toward Justin, but he didn’t say anything.

“Thanks, Em.” Brian sighed and tried to readjust so he was in a more upright position. “This shit is brutal.”

“I bet.” Emmett reached out and helped him to sit up a bit more and adjusted the incline on his bed while also placing some pillows to support him. “So, did you call him?”

Brian rolled his eyes before he sighed, “No.”

Emmett sat back and dramatically sighed. “I swear, you’d be hopeless if it weren’t for me. Give me his number, I'll give him a ring. You really should talk to him, it’s been weeks.” The Southerner put out his hand motioning for Brian’s phone, but Brian refused.

“You don’t need to. He showed up.” Brian motioned toward Justin’s figure by the window where he was still immersed in his art.

“That’s him?!” Emmett squealed. “Wow. He looks nothing like your usual beefcakes. Also, totally never pegged you to be into the artsy types.”

Brian sighed again. “Emmett, give it a rest. He’s, I don’t know. He’s sensitive and quiet. There is something about him that I understand and I think he understands me too, the real me. You know, the version I don’t really show, but is still there under the surface.”

“You mean the version that I see, Michael knows exists but refuses to acknowledge, and that Ted and Lindsay have a hard time remembering?”

Brian smirked and eyed his friend knowingly. 

“So, why don’t you officially introduce me?” Emmett clapped his hands in excitement and motioned his head toward Justin in encouragement. 

Brian leaned his head back and sighed. He knew Emmett wouldn’t relent now that he knew the kid was in Brian’s presence. Before Brian could think of a way to get Justin’s attention, Emmett stood up and pranced over to the lights and flicked them off and back on quickly. It had the desired effect and Justin looked up. He appeared startled that not only was Brian awake but he also had a visitor. 

Justin quickly took his headphones off and started to scramble at gathering up his things. His eyes looked panicked and Brian could tell he was seconds from bolting. So, he spoke up.

“Justin.” Brian’s voice wasn’t louder than a whisper but it had the desired effect. Justin paused mid putting his tablet into his bag.

“Come here.” Brian continued, this time his eyes not leaving Justin’s as his hand motioned for Justin to approach the bed. 

Justin bit his lip and slowly inched toward Brian’s bed. Brian could tell the young man was still panicking but now it was more subdued. He doubted Emmett could tell it was still there under the surface, but Brian could see the way Justin’s eyes darted around. Once he was within reach, Brian grabbed his hand and pulled Justin down closer to him. 

Without a word, Brian put their mouths together in a kiss. He knew it would ground Justin in a way the young man really needed. After a few moments Justin pulled back and cleared his throat nervously. Brian smirked.

“Justin, this is my best friend, Emmett Honeycutt.”

If Brian expected anything from Justin it wasn’t the shock that hit his face or the uttered exclamation that soon followed.

“SweeterThanHoney?! Honeycutt can’t be that common of a last name. You’re the person I’ve been chatting with on the message boards?!” Then Justin turned to look between Brian and Emmett. 

Brian watched as the shock turned anger and resentment without missing a beat. 

“I fucking trusted you! And this whole time you’ve been spying for him?? I bet you had a good laugh once you realized I had become friends with the author Peter James. Bet it was fun for you, thinking you’d pull one over on me. Both of you. Fuck you!” 

Before Brian could make heads or tails of what had just happened, Justin was gone. Left the room without a single goodbye. So, instead he turned to Emmett who looked as shell shocked as Brian felt.

“You want to explain what just happened?” Brian lifted an eyebrow and gave Emmett a pointed look.

“I,um, well you know how I’ve always told you I participate in the message boards for your series?” Emmett looked guilty which made Brian’s stomach clinch.

“Yeahhhh…” Brian drew out his response trying to find the connection.

“Well, years ago I connected with a fan on the main one who does gorgeous art of Andy and Neil. He seemed interesting, but also made a few comments that had me believe he was kind of lonely. So, I reached out one-on-one and we quickly bonded. I knew his name was Justin but I never imagined he was your Justin.” Emmett wrung his hands anxiously. When he looked up he had tears in his eyes.

“I’ve unintentionally fucked this up for you. You finally let someone get close to you for the first time since you were first diagnosed and here I am making a mess of things. I’m sorry Brian.”

“Did he mention me when you guys talked?” Brian’s chemo fogged brain was trying to put things together. 

“About two months ago Justin started talking to me about how he’d met some guy who seemed as lonely and broken as he felt and it was refreshing to not feel alone in a crowded room. I asked him if this guy had a name. When he said Brian I honestly thought nothing of it. I never even knew Justin was from Pittsburgh. We never exchanged location details.”

“You have nothing to feel bad about. Justin’s just freaked because he hates being known. And without knowing what you just told me I would’ve thought I’d been duped and played too. You have to understand why he has PTSD to understand his response.” Brian slipped his hand around Emmett’s in comfort. 

“You really do care about him, don’t you?” Emmett looked at Brian, really looked at him and Brian couldn’t stop himself. 

“I do. Being with him, just existing in the same space is like coming up for air.” Brian allowed himself a moment of vulnerability with his dear friend. “You breathe a word of this to anyone and I’ll cut your balls off.”

Emmett snorted. “There’s the Brian Kinney I know and love.”

Brian shrugged. “Cancer hasn’t completely stolen who I am. Not yet, at least.”

“And it never will. You’re going to beat this and write that fourth novel. Then you’re going to piss off every hetero you find by having more success and sex than they could ever dream of.” Emmett wrapped his body around Brian’s in a signature hug.

“If you say so.” Brian still wasn’t fully convinced.

“Also, your final novel?” Emmett stood as if to leave, but paused to add one more sentiment.

“Yeah?” 

“It should be Andy and Neil finally coming together permanently. No barriers, Neil finally bearing his soul to Andy in a way he never has before. Perhaps even saying those 3 little words.”

“You want them to get married?” Brian wasn’t sold considering he didn’t believe in marriage. Commitment, sure, but marriage? Not on your life. 

“Or just commit to each other completely. No more games. No more secrets.” Emmett shrugged and then he left.

Brian sat in his hospital bed and thought about what Emmett had said. Maybe it was high time he let his characters just be happy and together. Allow Neil to trust Andy enough to see him at his weakest. But how?

Brian’s thoughts turned to Justin. He needed to know the young man was alright. Brian didn’t want him to think that Brian had played him or tricked him in any kind of way. He knew Justin needed space to calm down. He also knew that Emmett needed to speak to Justin first. Emmett was the one Justin was most upset at and had the most to explain and apologize for.

He just hoped that Emmett would succeed.

—

It was another week before Brian heard anything from Justin or Emmett. Being stuck in the hospital made things especially difficult for Brian because he had to play a less active role in resolving situations. But, in that week he managed to regain some of the strength he would need for the months of chemo ahead of him. 

In fact, he was doing so well his doctor told him they would be releasing him in a couple of days. He had just left Brian to bask in the good news when Jen arrived. She brought a bit of sunshine with her smile and demeanor. Brian was grateful for the distraction.

“Hey! It’s good to see you. I thought maybe since you aren’t on chemo anymore you didn’t have time for your ole buddy.” Brian teased as she wrapped him in a hug.

Today, he was sitting in the recliner in his room instead of being confined to his bed. 

“Sorry, I’ve been busy. Justin had a setback. He came over last week and had a panic attack so bad I couldn’t bring him out of it. It went on for ages, freaked me and Molly out. When he finally came down his therapist suggested Justin go to 72 hour inpatient care. So, I had him admitted.” Jen’s face crumpled the further she got into her story.

“I knew he hadn’t been doing well with what he saw that day at the center, but when I saw him here last week I thought it meant he was over the worst.” 

Brian bit his lip, “It’s all my fault. He came to see me and I introduced him to my friend Emmett who as it turns out is an online friend of Justin’s only he didn’t know. He thought we were making fun of him.”

Jen finally sat down in a chair nearby. She sighed, and Brian half expected her to turn on him too. But, she didn’t.

“You have to understand. In high school, Justin and the quarterback of the football team would meet in secret to jerk each other off. Justin thought the boy had feelings for him. But, it turns out he was only using it to make fun of him which culminated in Justin getting physically hurt.” Jen looked at Brian with the kindest eyes he’d ever seen directed at him.

“He told me that he’d been bashed. I had no idea it was that involved.” Brian’s heart hurt for the one person who had sparked joy and inspiration in him in years.

“He doesn’t tell anyone how complicated it all really was. He’ll probably hate me for telling you, but I think you need to know especially with everything that’s happened these last few weeks.”

Brian finally put together why she had come here. “You came to tell me because he won’t be around for a while. Didn’t you?” 

“You have to understand. I need to protect my son. I know you would never hurt him but he doesn’t know that right now, and I can’t risk him having another relapse. Please, if you care about him. Just give him space.” Jen looked heartbroken as she held Brian’s hands. “I promise you can still text or call me to ask how he’s doing, but I need him to trust in himself again.”

“I understand.” Brian muttered, his joy at being released now all but gone.

Score one for the Kinney curse.

—

A few weeks later, Brian was finally able to leave the hospital. Instead of going home to his empty house, he made arrangements to stay with Debbie. He knew he needed a bit more support this time around considering how sick he’d been. Debbie was more than happy to play mothering hen to Brian so she readily agreed.

It was during their first night together, Debbie cornered Brian as he sat on her couch, cuddled under a heavy blanket mindlessly staring at the TV which was playing some kind of infomercial. Debbie handed him a warm mug of tea and moved his feet so that she could sit on the opposite end of the couch. She didn’t say anything at first, but her gaze was piercing enough it wore Brian down and he gave a dramatic sigh.

“Out with it.” Brian finally muttered, sipping his tea and looking at Debbie over the top of his mug.

“I’ve been spending time with Jen lately. She comes by the diner to grab Justin’s favorite meal to go. She’s really worried about him.” Debbie’s comment was very casual, but Brian could hear the questions she was really asking.

“I wouldn’t know. Jen told me she doesn’t want me to see him.” Brian shrugged, turning his gaze toward the TV. “You know, I think you’d look stunning in those emerald earrings.” 

Debbie turned to glance at the TV, probably willing to hear Brian out and let him change the subject. But, soon enough she was turned back to him, ready to continue their conversation.

“Justin just needs a bit of time. That’s all. Jen told me she was grateful for everything you’ve done for him.” 

“Sure, I’ve helped him so much that he’s had a setback so significant that Jen doesn’t think it’s a good idea that we see each other.” Brian wasn’t in the mood to discuss this, but he also knew acting pissy wasn’t going to stop Debbie either, so he sighed and tried a calmer approach.

“Look, I know it’s not my fault he’s struggling right now. But, I wasn’t completely honest with him about something and that has definitely influenced his desire to want anything to do with me.”

“You think Justin is the one wanting you to stay away, not Jen?” Debbie leaned forward and gave Brian her full attention.

“When Jen told me that it was probably best for me to just stay away, she made sure to also mention that she didn’t blame me for anything happening with Justin. On top of that the last time Justin and I spoke some information was revealed that really upset him.” Brian dropped his gaze to the blanket draped over him.

“He found out you’re a famous author?” Debbie’s comment was spoken so casually, meanwhile Brian’s brain was moments from exploding at the revelation that his surrogate mom knew what he’d been trying to keep from her for years.

“You know?”

“Of course I know. Sweetheart, there is little you boys do that I don’t know about. No matter how much you try to keep it under wraps.” Debbie reached forward and wrapped her hand around Brian’s which was holding the mug.

A silence fell between them as Brian tried to organize his thoughts and decide how he wished to respond. He briefly wondered how long Debbie had known, but soon realized that he didn’t actually care to know. The point of the matter was she’d known long enough that it could’ve been a problem and yet it hadn’t been. Debbie had kept his secret identity despite the apparent pride she now displayed all over her face.

“I think I managed to come up with a plot for my fourth book.” Brian decided to extend an olive branch instead of rehashing old secrets that didn’t matter much anymore.

“That’s a good sign, all things considered.” Debbie started to rub his feet through the blanket.

“I think it’s high time I allow Neil and Andy to have their happy ending. Even if I still think love is for fools.” Brian powered on, relaxing into Debbie’s touch. 

“You don’t have to lie to me.” Debbie gave Brian her knowing look, “I know you want what everyone else does, someone to come home to. To share your life with.” 

Brian shook his head and leaned against the back of the couch, suddenly exhausted. “I think I really fucked up this time.”

Debbie grabbed his feet once more and rubbed them slowly. Brian knew she was trying to come up with the correct response, so he gave her the space to do so. After what felt like ages, Debbie turned her gaze toward him, sympathy in her eyes.

“Whatever it is you think you fucked up, I can assure you that you’re most definitely wrong.” She gave him a motherly smile before she continued, “I know I’ve criticized you frequently over the years, but at the end of the day I’ve never felt you were a complete fuck up or even a bad person for that matter. You’ve been dealt a tough hand in life from an early age. You do the best you can with what you know and what you’ve got.”

Brian couldn’t stop the tears from flowing out of his eyes even if he tried. Once again, Debbie was proving to him why she’d always be the only mom he would ever claim in his life. She was there for him in ways that no other person ever had been. And, despite her concerns about his selfishness from time to time, she never abandoned him or blamed him for existing. Which was more than he could say about fucking Saint Joan.

“Thanks, ma,” Brian finally muttered. His eyes landed on Debbie’s and the two shared a moment of understanding and love.

Then, Debbie spoke, breaking whatever sense of calm that had settled in Brian’s thoughts.

“Speaking of mothers, does she know your cancer is back?” For all her positives, Debbie’s desire for Brian to maintain a relationship with his parents, who both harmed him greatly over the years, was something he couldn’t stand.

Brian abruptly got up and walked off toward the kitchen to deposit his empty mug in the sink. Debbie knew how he felt about his mom. What part of the vulnerability he’d been displaying told her he wanted to broach the subject of his least favorite person? He leaned against the counter, his back to Debbie, who he heard follow him to the kitchen. His energy was fading fast and he knew he needed to sit down, but he also didn’t want to face Debbie out of fear of what he might say to her.

A hand gently landed on his shoulder and he flinched. Without a word, Debbie forced him to turn around and into her embrace. She placed a hand on his back and the other on the back of his head. 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought her up. I know what she’s done to you. I just know as a mother I would want to know regardless of my relationship with my kid.”

Brian scoffed against her shoulder. Then, he leaned back and stumbled back toward the couch to sit down once more. “I would prefer to go upstairs, but I don’t think I can make it just yet. And fuck you with your back handed apology.”

Debbie sighed as she stood over him. He knew she wanted to chastise him but wouldn’t, considering his current situation. Instead of sitting back down on the couch next to him, she plopped herself down in the armchair across the room. The two settled into a quiet stand off. That is until Debbie finally spoke, bringing their conversation back to the previous topic.

“Why do you think you’ve really fucked up this time?” She made sure her body language indicated openness and compassion.

The petty, vindictive side of Brian wanted desperately to walk up the stairs and not give her the satisfaction, but his energy was depleted so he was stuck. Therefore, he made her wait for his response as a sort of internal compromise.

“Because a part of me was starting to believe that maybe there could be something with Justin. Despite his age he saw me in ways no one else has before.” Brian refused to look at her.

“I don’t get how that translates to placing the blame all on you,” Debbie responded immediately.

“Because from early on, Justin asked me how I knew what I did about his favorite novel. Instead of telling him the truth that I was the one who wrote it, I let him believe that I simply knew the author. That lie led him to distrust me when he needed me the most.” 

Debbie stood up and crossed back to the couch in order to wrap her arm around Brian’s shoulders. She pulled him in closer and squeezed tight in comfort. She pulled his head toward hers and placed a kiss to the side of his temple. 

“I know you think you screwed everything up, but something tells me this kid needs to figure some things out for himself before he’s ready for whatever he knows you can offer him. He lashed out in anger not because you lied, but because he was looking for an excuse to pull away.” Debbie’s words hit the part of Brian’s heart that needed to hear them the most.

In fact, the way Debbie spoke, made Brian believe he was listening to Jen. Something about the confidence in which Debbie proposed an alternative look at what had happened, allowed Brian to believe for the first in weeks that he wasn’t at fault.

“Yeah, maybe.” Brian whispered as he leaned his head onto Debbie’s shoulder. Without another word he felt his body shut down and let the sleep overtake him.

—

A few days later, Brian was relaxing in the twin sized bed that used to be Michael’s when his friend in question came for a quick visit. The shorter man smirked at the sight of Brian propped up in his childhood bed, laptop on his lap, typing away, covered in a comforter covered with cowboys. The two shook their heads at each other and silently laughed before Brian put his laptop to the side and gestured for Michael to have a seat at the bottom of the bed.

“Long time no see,” Brian muttered. “The comic store closed today?” 

“Even business owners need a lunch break.” Michael shrugged as he plopped himself down.

“So, what brings you here to see little ole me,” Brian asked, trying his best to keep the amusement off his face.

“Mom called, said you’d been holing yourself up here for the last few days. She thought you needed some convincing to venture out into the world.” Michael shrugged and then added, “So, I’ve come to take you to your favorite park.”

“I don’t have a favorite park,” Brian raised an eyebrow skeptically. “What are you really up to?”

“Seriously, just trying to get you out of the house. I know you’re really sick right now, but that doesn’t mean you need to cut yourself off from fresh air,” Michael stared him down, unblinking.

“Fine.” Brian pulled his blanket back and moved to get up from the bed. He was still in the sweats he’d slept in, but it wouldn’t take long for him to change into something a bit more comfortable that was better for a public outing. “But, don’t let your mom think she’s won. I’m doing this because I want to go for a walk.”

Michael chuckled and stood to provide an arm if Brian needed it. “Of course.”

Brian waved him off and proved that he didn’t need assistance by striding across the room, taking off his current clothes as he went. It was a slower process than when he was completely healthy, but he still managed it independently. As he grabbed a soft, cotton t-shirt from the stack of them in the closet, he thought of Gus for the first time in days. He missed his son and wished that this outing included him.

“Have you spoken to Lindsay recently?” Brian asked over his shoulder as he slipped on a pair of black joggers.

“Yeah, she and Mel brought the kids over for dinner a few days ago. Why?” Michael was fiddling with some of Brian’s care products that he’d placed on the dresser. 

“We kind of had a falling out around the time I was admitted into the hospital. I haven’t had the courage to speak to her since.” Brian shrugged. “I was wondering how Gus was doing.”

Michael gave Brian a tight smile in response. “He’s okay. Misses you, but generally okay.” 

The two friends place a hand on each other’s shoulder in silent understanding and support. Brian allowed the sentimentality to last a beat longer before he pulled away, cleared his throat, and then rubbed his right hand on his left arm. The beanie on his head suddenly felt a bit too warm for his head, but he also knew if he took it off he’d catch cold once they stepped out of the house. 

“Let’s just go. Focus on something I can control.” Brian muttered as he shifted toward the door and the top of the stairs just beyond it.

If Michael had any argument for what Brian was saying, he didn’t indicate it. Instead, the two friends managed to make it out the front door and up the block without another word between them. They were a few feet from the park when Michael started to act a little nervous and on edge.

Brian reached out his arm and forced Michael to stop by soccer mom-ing him. “Okay, spill. What’s going on with you? Is this about my health? Because I wouldn’t have agreed to come out if I didn’t feel up to it.”

Michael rolled his eyes, “No, this isn’t about your treatment and health. Honestly, I’m just worried about you overall. Mom said you’ve been depressed.”

“I’m perfectly fine.” Brian spun around to be in front of Michael, walking backwards, as if to prove a point. “Ma worries too much over nothing.”

“Oh so she imagined a conversation with you in which you stated you felt you completely fucked up,” Michael raised an eyebrow as if to challenge him.

“No, but that doesn’t mean I’m depressed. It just means I’m owning up to my part in the downfall of Justin’s mental health,” Brian shrugged.

“More like you’re placing all the blame on your own shoulders.” Michael moved around Brian and continued to walk in the direction of the park. “Come on, keep moving. It’ll make you feel better.”

“What, is that advice from dear ole Zen Ben?” Brian smirked, but he kept pace with Michael as they walked side-by-side. “Is his cure all for illness a nice brisk walk in the fresh air?”

“Mock my husband all you want, he does know a thing or two about holistic methods.” Michael shrugged. “Besides, I’m sure even your oncologist would agree that a walk from time to time won’t hurt you.”

Brian shook his head, but an ache in his chest told him that he was envious of Michael. He wanted a version of what they had, someone to hold through the hard times. Someone you can lean on. Someone who is there for you no matter what, who's always in your corner.

As they turned into the park, Brian was brought out of his thoughts by the squeal of a familiar juvenile voice. “DADDY!!!”

Moments later he was almost knocked over by the force of a body a third his size barreling into him. He looked down and glanced at the excited face of his son. With tears in his eyes, Brian turned to Michael who had a shit-eating grin on his face.

“You,” Brian muttered, “How?”

“When Lindsay and Mel brought the kids over for dinner she asked about setting up some time with you and Gus. She wanted it to be a surprise though. She figured you could use the pick-me-up.” Michael shrugged and motioned over Brian’s shoulder.

When the brunet turned he saw Lindsay slowly coming over, Gus’ favorite basketball in her hands and his skateboard under her arm. The emotions in Brian started to well up beyond his ability to tamp them down.

“Wendy.” Brian whispered as Lindsay entered his personal bubble and wrapped her arms around him, after handing Gus’ things to Michael. 

“Peter!” Lindsay’s tears landed on Brian’s neck, but he didn’t mind in the slightest. Despite how they had left things over a month prior, Brian was so glad she had reached out, even if it was through Michael.

“Daddy! Can we play basketball together?” Gus broke the silence that had fallen as the two best friends clung to each other in silent forgiveness.

Lindsay stepped backwards and gave Brian a wet smile. He opened his mouth to apologize to her, but she put her hand up to stop him.

“No apologies, no regrets.” Lindsay parroted his old mantra back at him. “Today is about Gus, not what happened between us.”

“Thank you,” Brian grabbed Lindsay’s hand into his. Then, he turned to Gus, “I would love to watch you shoot some baskets, but I’m not sure I have enough energy to play with you.”

“That’s okay. We can just do the swings. I want you to push me.” Gus shrugged and pulled Brian off toward the equipment, not waiting for his dad to turn him down again.

Brian shook his head. Michael and Lindsay had been right. Seeing Gus was the medicine he needed to feel better than he had in months. The little boy climbed up on the swing and then looked back at his dad expectantly.

“Come on, dad!” Gus broke the silence.

“You got it.” Brian smiled and pulled back on the swing as best he could. With his muscle strength not at what it normally is, the swing didn’t go too high up, but Gus didn’t seem to care in the slightest.

“Woah, that was a great one dad!” Gus exclaimed as he pumped his legs to get his body to go higher. 

Brian smirked, “No it wasn’t, but I appreciate your enthusiasm.”

“Mommy said you were really sick, that’s why I couldn’t see you. But she said you’re better now.” Gus continued as if Brian hadn’t even spoken. 

“Yeah, sonny boy, I was really sick there for a while. But, now I’m feeling a bit better. I’m still sick, but I’m able to be around other people without getting sicker.” Brian responded, keeping to his belief that Gus deserved to be treated like an adult when it came to his cancer.

“Like before? Around Christmas?” Gus’ question showed just how much he understood even at such a young age.

“Yeah, Gus. Like I was at Christmas. I have to wear a mask, but I can spend time with you again.” Brian quickly swiped at his eyes to stop the tears that had formed from falling down his face. “Don’t tell mommy, but I’ve written about half of my book. And I’ve added a character that is just like you.”

“You’re writing again?!” Gus jumped from the swing suddenly, taking Brian by surprise. 

He was about to cry out when Gus stood up and ran back toward Brian. Brian shook his head and then amusingly smiled at his son and rubbed his hand through the kid’s hair.

“I overheard mommy telling Uncle Michael that she’d heard you had given up your contract and wouldn’t be writing anymore.” Gus explained himself without Brian even having to ask.

“I took a break while I was in the hospital, but the other day I was inspired and decided to pick it back up.” Brian shrugged and winked at Gus.

“Can we go again? I wanna go super high and then jump again!” Gus was jumping up and down.

“Well, how could I say no to that?” Brian couldn’t believe he’d ever felt anything less than unwavering love for his son. This child was nothing but pure innocence and joy personified.

“I’m sorry you haven’t seen me much lately. But, now that I’m feeling better we can go back to spending our regular time together.” Brian promised as he pushed his son once more.

Gus didn’t speak again until he was high enough to warrant jumping from the swing once more. He launched himself off and then turned around with a laugh.

“Daddy, have you seen Justin’s newest painting?” Gus asked, his eyes on his feet instead of on Brian.

Brian was taken off-guard by his son’s question. No one in his life had mentioned Justin to him in weeks. It was as if they’d all agreed to avoid the subject all together. But, here was his son, unaware of the agreement between the adults.

“I’m not sure. He came to see me when I was in the hospital and showed me one that was a mix of colors that showed happiness and anger.” Brian squatted down so that he was on level with his son. 

“No, not that one.” Gus exclaimed, his arms jerking in frustration. “The one with two shadows hugging. Mommy was framing it at work the other day and I saw it.”

“Oh? What did mommy say about it?” Brian was curious why Gus had brought the topic up in the first place.

Gus shrugged his shoulders and started to kick rocks. “Just that she hoped Justin would feel better soon because his art was like nothing she’d ever seen before. She didn’t think I was listening to her since I had my headphones on.”

Brian smiled to himself and stared at the beautiful soul wrapped inside his own flesh and blood. How had he, a complete fuck up who barely knew the first thing about compassion or love for others, managed to produce a child so in tune with others that he was always looking for ways to make people smile. Gus knew that Brian needed to hear about Justin despite no one saying so to him directly.

“I still think you and Justin should love each other.” Gus shrugged again. “You were happier with him around.”

“I wish life was as easy as making a decision about something and making it happen.” Brian wrapped his arm around Gus’ shoulder as they both started to walk back toward the bench where Lindsay and Michael were sitting.

“Why can’t it be?” Gus questioned.

“Why indeed,” Brian admitted, thinking to himself that maybe he should ignore Jen’s words and reach out to Justin anyway.