Archive of Our Own ^beta

Atsushi is sitting at his desk doing paperwork when he’s interrupted by a frantic Dazai bursting into the office, who immediately zeros in on Atsushi.

“Atsushi-kun! Come quickly!” he demands as he rushes up to Atsushi and grabs his hand to drag him away. Atsushi stumbles out of his chair, but follows willingly, concerned.

“Is it an emergency? What’s going on?” Atsushi asks, doing his best to keep up with Dazai’s hurried pace down the street.

“You’ll see when we get there,” Dazai responds dismissively, leaving Atsushi to wonder. After a few minutes of walking, Dazai turns into an alley.

“Good, it’s still here,” Atsushi hears Dazai mutter under his breath, “look, Atsushi-kun,” he says louder, tugging Atsushi closer by the hand still holding his and pointing into the alley with the other. Atsushi follows Dazai’s finger and his gaze lands on… a cat. He turns to Dazai with an unimpressed look.

“Did you seriously drag me away from work to show me a cat? I thought something had happened. I’m gonna get in so much trouble,” Atsushi complains. He really should’ve known from the beginning that it wasn’t going to be anything serious. Dazai will take any excuse not to work. Atsushi just wishes he hadn’t been brought into it this time, he doesn’t want Kunikida to yell at him.

“Atsushi-kun, this isn’t just any cat,” Dazai says seriously. Atsushi wonders if perhaps it’s connected to any crimes or related to someone’s ability in the pause before Dazai continues, “it’s one of your kind.”

Or not.

“What are you talking about? That’s clearly a house cat, not a tiger.”

“But doesn’t it look just like a mini you?” Dazai pouts. Atsushi takes a moment to study the cat. It’s a grayish white with black markings that do look remarkably like a tiger’s and its eyes are yellow.

“I guess,” Atsushi agrees reluctantly, “but it’s still a cat and I’m still a tiger,” he adds.

“I think you act enough like a cat that you count as one,” Dazai argues with a sly smirk.

“I don’t act like a cat!” Atsushi protests. Dazai’s grin widens, eyes sparkling deviously. Atsushi has the distinct feeling that he just walked into a trap. Dazai strokes his chin and looks up as though deep in thought.

“Let me think. I’ve seen you napping in the sun plenty of times. You always lean into my head pats. I’ve heard you make cat noises more than once; you’ve chirped at everyone in the office in greeting before. I’ve seen you do the slow blink at everyone in the office, too. I’ve se-”

“That’s enough!” Atsushi interrupts, face flushed with mortification. He didn’t even realize he did those things, “that still doesn’t make me a cat. Tigers do those things, too!” he refutes. Truthfully, he has no idea if tigers do those things, but even if he acts more like a cat than a tiger, that doesn’t mean he is a cat.

“Whatever you say, Atsushi-kun,” Dazai agrees patronizingly. Atsushi refrains from arguing further, it won’t change his mind. Dazai will forever think of him as a cat. That thought shouldn’t bother him as much as it does, “anyway, let’s get back to work. You don’t want to make Kunikida-kun mad, do you, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai tugs Atsushi after him as he exits the alley.

“Don’t act like you’re not the one who dragged me away in the first place,” Atsushi says indignantly. The audacity of this man. Not that it’s anything new.

“Details,” Dazai says dismissively, waving a hand. Atsushi sighs, entirely done with Dazai right now. At least this excursion didn’t take long, so he hasn’t missed too much of work.

He’s so distracted by his exasperation with Dazai’s antics that he doesn’t realize Dazai hadn’t once let go of his hand the entire time they were out.

Atsushi’s back is beginning to hurt from sitting in his chair for so long.

They’ve been swamped with busywork today and he’s barely had time to breathe. There’s always another thing to file or another report to write or look over.

He stretches over the back of his chair, his back popping satisfyingly, before letting his arms drop to his sides and his head lean back. He needs to take a bit of a break before he continues working.

Just as he decides to go to the bathroom as an excuse to stretch his legs, a hand grabs his hand, fingers interlacing with his. Atsushi’s hand stays limp in its grasp as he looks over at the culprit.

“Dazai-san, why are you holding my hand?” he asks, raising an eyebrow. He doesn’t really expect a straight answer or serious reason, but he’s curious how Dazai will respond.

“My hands are cold,” Dazai states simply. Atsushi curls his fingers to feel Dazai’s hand with his exposed fingertips. To his surprise, Dazai’s hand is actually cold. Like, worryingly cold.

Unthinkingly, Atsushi turns and rolls his chair closer to Dazai and reaches out to grab his other hand. It’s just as cold. Atsushi brings both of Dazai’s hands to his face and blows warm air over them, gently rubbing them between his own hands.

“Why are your hands so cold? It’s not even winter. Did you stick them in the freezer or something?” Atsushi asks, concerned and confused. Either this is an actual health problem or Dazai’s just messing with him. Both seem equally likely. He places Dazai’s hands on his chest and presses them against himself in an effort to keep them warm, “seriously, are you okay?” Atsushi looks up to Dazai from where he was staring at their hands. Dazai’s eyebrows are raised and his eyes have widened minutely. He almost seems surprised.

All at once, Atsushi realizes what he just did and his own eyes widen in shock. He didn’t mean to do any of that. He's not sure what came over him. He was just concerned and his body moved on its own. There was a problem and he had a solution. He didn’t even ask. Although, Dazai didn’t either.

“Get back to work, you two! You’re not being paid to hold hands!” Kunikida’s yell jolts Atsushi into action. He drops Dazai’s hands immediately, a yelp escaping his lips. Did anyone else see?

“Sorry, Kunikida-san!” Atsushi hurriedly returns to his desk, his face on fire. He furtively glances around the office, avoiding looking at Dazai. He breathes a short sigh of relief, no one else seems to have noticed. Ranpo appears to be asleep at his desk, Tanizaki, Kenji, and Kyouka are still working diligently, and Yosano’s office door is still closed.

He turns his focus back to his work. There’s still lots to do today and he refuses to let himself get distracted thinking about how embarrassed he is. He resolutely keeps his eyes on his computer, and spends the rest of the day avoiding Dazai’s gaze.

By the next day, Atsushi has overcome his shame enough to be able to look at Dazai again and apologizes for being rude before. Dazai tells him not to worry about it and Atsushi tries to put the incident out of his mind.

The night is clear and cool as Atsushi and Dazai walk to the dorms.

Atsushi doesn’t flinch when he feels Dazai take his hand, but it’s a near thing. He turns to Dazai with a questioning look, keeping his hand in Dazai's. Dazai returns his look with a comical expression of fear.

“Atsushi-kun’s story was too scary, I need a hand to hold to feel safe!” he exclaims.

Earlier that night, Atsushi, Dazai, Kyouka, and Kunikida had decided to share scary stories. Dazai’s story was just a way to complain about going to work, Kyouka’s story described getting a papercut and other similarly uncomfortable sensations, Kunikida’s story was about him feeling sick at work and wanting to go home, and Atsushi’s story was about him getting locked in a storage closet at the orphanage and seeing eyes staring back at him from the darkness, only to realize there was no room for another person in the closet.

“I already told you that wasn’t even a true story,” Atsushi says. He didn’t think his story would actually scare the others. It didn’t really happen, it was just the first thing that had come to mind.

“That doesn’t mean it wasn’t creepy!” Dazai protests, “and it got me thinking about ghosts,” he adds with a shiver.

“Are you afraid of ghosts?” Atsushi asks, curious and maybe a little skeptical. It doesn’t seem like something that would bother Dazai, considering his past and their line of work. He’s definitely seen things more frightening than ghosts.

“Not exactly. The thought of them just creeps me out. And having a hand to hold is the only way I can HANDle it,” Dazai brings their enjoined hands up and wiggles his eyebrows.

“That was a terrible pun,” Atsushi says, unamused, “but, if it makes you feel better, I don’t mind holding your hand,” he allows. It’s surprisingly nice, having Dazai’s hand in his.

He beats back the little part of his mind that wants to know what it would feel like without his gloves on. Now is not the time.

“It was a great pun, you just have no taste,” Dazai sniffs haughtily before smiling, “thanks for indulging me, though.” he says, sounding way too sincere. Atsushi feels his cheeks warm slightly. There’s no way he was actually scared, right? But why else would he seem so relieved?

“Yeah, no problem,” Atsushi laughs nervously, suddenly feeling awkward. It’s not like it’s a big deal. They’re just holding hands, to help Dazai feel safe. Because he doesn’t like ghosts, and he wants to hold Atsushi’s hand. Or anyone’s hand, probably. He said that he just needed a hand, not Atsushi’s specifically.

Atsushi forces himself to stop thinking about this before he spirals completely, there’s no point worrying about it. It’s fine. This is fine.

Atsushi dives onto the train, Dazai hot on his heels. The doors close just as they enter.

“I’m never letting you convince me to deviate from the plan again,” Atsushi huffs out, hands on his knees as he tries to catch his breath. He can’t believe they made it.

They'd been on an assignment nearby before this. Originally, the plan was to complete the job and then take the train, but they finished earlier than they thought they would and Dazai had suggested they get a snack before catching the train. Atsushi's hunger had won against his sense of responsibility and they ended up almost missing the train.

“It worked out, didn’t it?” Dazai defends, similarly out of breath. Atsushi rolls his eyes, but keeps quiet. Dazai’s not wrong, but Atsushi would rather not experience so much stress, especially when it’s easily avoided. He can’t really blame Dazai, though. It was a collective choice.

Atsushi grabs onto the handle hanging closest to him, deciding to stay standing. It won’t be a very long ride and most of the seats are already taken.

A hand carefully slips into his. Atsushi’s beginning to sense a pattern here. He turns his gaze to Dazai to see that Dazai’s already watching him.

“I don’t want to risk falling over,” he says innocently. Atsushi pointedly looks at where Dazai is holding the handle above his head, “extra security,” Dazai continues unrepentantly, his lips twitching into a smile bordering on mischievous.

Atsushi sighs. If it were anyone else, he’d think they like him, but this is Dazai. Obviously, he doesn’t like Atsushi that way. Dazai does weird things all the time, it’s not like this means anything.

“Alright,” Atsushi allows, leaving their fingers interlaced, and pushes the way his heart flutters at the feel of Dazai’s hand in his to the back of his mind.

He doesn’t want to think about it meaning anything.

Atsushi is just returning to the office from his lunch break when the door to Yosano’s office opens and Dazai steps out, a pout on his face. He lights up when he spots Atsushi. Atsushi ignores the warmth that makes him feel.

“Atsushi-kun, I’ve been mauled! I need to hold your hand to make it better,” he exclaims as he approaches Atsushi.

“Mauled?! What happened? Are you okay?” Atsushi knew Dazai had been on a job, but he didn’t think he was in danger of getting hurt. He was just going to meet a client with Kunikida.

“He wasn’t mauled. He just got some cat scratches,” Yosano explains exasperatedly with a roll of her eyes, following Dazai out of her office.

“That cat was evil. It was definitely trying to maul me,” Dazai grumbles, rubbing the fresh bandage on his face.

“Oh. Well, I’m glad it wasn’t serious,” Atsushi says, willing his cheeks not to flush from his overreaction. Upon inspection, it’s obvious that Dazai’s not seriously hurt. He’s not favoring anything, he has no new bandages other than the one on his face, and he’s able to walk around with ease.

Atsushi doesn’t even blink when Dazai’s fingers intertwine with his as he comes up next to him.

“What are you doing?” Atsushi asks tiredly. He doesn’t feel like dealing with this today. He’s been trying so hard to not think about it.

“I already told you, I need you to hold my hand to make it better,” Dazai says casually.

“Isn’t it supposed to be kisses that make it better?” Atsushi questions, unimpressed with Dazai’s explanation. He’s never heard anyone say that they need to hold a hand to make anything better.

“Does that mean you want to kiss me instead, Atsushi-kun?” Dazai asks, turning his bandaged cheek towards Atsushi.

“No!” Atsushi denies immediately, his voice coming out too loud in the quiet office. He looks around quickly, everyone’s still focused on their work other than Yosano, who’s looking at him with a raised eyebrow from behind Dazai. Atsushi blushes at her gaze.

“No,” he repeats, quieter, “I don’t want to kiss you. Holding your hand is fine,” Dazai’s done it so much lately, it’s practically second nature.

Dazai pouts exaggeratedly at Atsushi’s response and Atsushi’s face burns red. Dazai shouldn’t be pouting about Atsushi not wanting to kiss him. That’s not how this is supposed to go.

Atsushi unconsciously squeezes Dazai’s hand during his shock. Dazai immediately brightens, squeezing Atsushi’s hand back. Atsushi’s stomach flips in response.

It would seem that he can no longer ignore this.

Atsushi watches Dazai sigh loudly and get up to stretch from where he’s waiting patiently at his desk.

“Are you done, Dazai-san?” Atsushi asks, coming over to Dazai’s desk. Dazai had been forced to stay late to catch up on work by Kunikida and Atsushi elected himself as the one to make sure he actually did his work and locked up after. They’ve already been here for a few hours after everyone else went home.

“Finally,” Dazai confirms, yawning, “now, let’s get out of here. I never want to see another piece of paperwork again,” Atsushi hums noncommittally. Half their job is dealing with paperwork, they’ll definitely see more of it.

Atsushi grabs his bag and follows Dazai out the door. He locks it behind him and takes his place next to Dazai as they exit the building.

He’s been doing a lot of thinking since the last time Dazai held his hand, and has come to terms with the fact that he likes Dazai romantically.

Every time Dazai’s held his hand, Atsushi’s always kept their hands together. That alone doesn't prove anything, Atsushi would definitely hold hands with any of his friends if they asked, but he wouldn’t feel like this about it if it was anyone else. It wouldn’t make him feel all mushy and warm and make his heart race and his cheeks flush whenever he thinks about it. He wouldn’t have to push all thoughts out of his mind when it happens so he doesn’t realize anything that could change things.

Unfortunately, Dazai’s comment forced Atsushi to realize that he actually does want to kiss Dazai. Instead of being uncomfortable or indifferent at the thought of kissing Dazai, he’s excited. That revelation caused his face to burn hotter than the sun when he had it and he spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about what it would be like.

Atsushi still isn’t sure if Dazai likes him romantically even though all signs point to yes. Dazai never finds ways to hold anyone else’s hand and always seems especially excited when Atsushi continues to hold his hand. Dazai is the one who suggested that Atsushi kiss him and seemed disappointed when Atsushi didn't. It seems obvious that Dazai likes Atsushi romantically.

But, this is also Dazai. Dazai, who doesn’t like men and flirts with every woman he meets by proposing a double suicide. Dazai, who pulls pranks and practical jokes all the time. Dazai, who loves to make other people's lives harder for the fun of it. Dazai, who cares about Atsushi.

Atsushi has no way to know without asking, which is why he had decided to stay late with Dazai. Now that they’re done with work and heading home, he can finally talk to him.

Atsushi glances down at Dazai’s hand while they walk, watching it swing in time with his steps. In a spur of the moment decision, Atsushi thinks he’ll take a page out of Dazai's book.

He reaches over and gently takes hold of Dazai’s hand. Dazai makes no move to acknowledge what Atsushi’s done.

Silence reigns and Atsushi refuses to lose his nerve even though he didn't think this through at all. He figured he'd just be direct and ask Dazai if he likes him, but now that the moment has come, he’s incredibly nervous. His palms are sweaty under his gloves and his heart pounds in his chest. His mouth opens and closes a few times, no sound coming out. He didn’t think getting the words out would be a problem.

“Atsushi-kun?” Dazai asks quietly.

“Yes?” Atsushi squeaks out, his voice finally cooperating.

“Why are you holding my hand?”

Dazai’s question soothes something in him and his anxiety is overcome by determination to let Dazai know his feelings. He can do this. He needs to do this.

“Because I like you,” the words fall from his lips easily, filled with conviction. Dazai squeezes his hand.

“Oh. Cool.”

“‘Cool.’ That’s it? That’s not really an answer. Do you like me, too?” Atsushi asks, trying not to panic. That wasn’t a clear answer or a very enthusiastic response. Does Dazai not like me back? Did I actually read this horribly wrong?

Before Atsushi can truly panic, Dazai speaks.

“Atsushi-kun, I’ve been making terrible excuses to hold your hand for the past month, of course I like you,” Dazai explains with a confused edge, like he doesn’t understand Atsushi’s reaction.

“Well, yeah, but I thought you didn’t like men?”

“I lied,” Dazai says nonchalantly as he shrugs. Atsushi feels relief flood him from that response. He didn't really, truly, believe that Dazai could like him before this, even with all the evidence, because he was always all too aware of the fact that Dazai doesn't date men, but now he has confirmation that this fact is untrue.

“So you actually like me, then?” Atsushi asks, unable to stop himself from seeking extra confirmation. It's still a little unbelievable.

“Yes,” Dazai agrees patiently, “would you like me to prove it?” he adds with an impish grin. Atsushi’s face fills with heat at the suggestion, but he still nods. If he means what Atsushi thinks he does, then Atsushi would love for him to prove it.

Dazai stops in the middle of the sidewalk and pulls Atsushi closer to himself with the hand still holding Atsushi’s.

Atsushi looks up at Dazai and admires his dark brown eyes. He can make out little flecks of gold hidden in their depths that sparkle in the moonlight. He's never understood when people say they can get lost in someone's eyes, but looking into Dazai's right now, he's sure he could.

His gaze travels to Dazai’s lips, pink and plush and still pulled up in a mischievous smile. Atsushi can’t wait to finally know what they feel like against his own.

Dazai begins to lean down and Atsushi closes his eyes in anticipation.

A hand gently caresses his cheek. Atsushi can feel Dazai’s breath ghosting over his lips from how close he is. Atsushi keeps his eyes closed and holds his breath.

A pair of lips land on his forehead fleetingly. His nose. His cheek. Atsushi releases his breath and opens his eyes, locking gazes with Dazai, who’s staring at him admiringly, his thumb softly sweeping over Atsushi’s cheekbone.

Atsushi surges forward, impatient, and captures Dazai’s lips with his own.

In his haste, he accidentally bumps noses with Dazai and their lips smush together uncomfortably. Dazai quickly takes control and adjusts the angle to something much more pleasant, the hand holding Atsushi’s squeezing it tight. Atsushi squeezes back and tries not to lose his composure as their lips move together.

Dazai’s lips are slightly chapped, Atsushi notes as they press insistently against Atsushi’s. Atsushi marvels at how they slide against his own, filling him with so much elation his body feels like it’s practically vibrating.

Dazai’s hand tangles in Atsushi’s hair as he pulls him even closer. Atsushi melts from the touch, leaving himself completely at Dazai’s mercy, content and warm. The warmth Atsushi’s feeling spikes almost uncomfortably when Dazai’s tongue swipes across Atsushi’s lips.

Atsushi breaks their contact in his shock, panting as he attempts to regain the oxygen Dazai stole from his lungs.

“Too much?” Dazai asks after giving Atsushi a moment to catch his breath.

“No. You just surprised me,” Atsushi replies, an ecstatic grin stretching across his face. It doesn’t feel real, kissing Dazai, Dazai liking him back, but he knows it is and he can’t contain his joy.

“Good,” Dazai leans in for another kiss and Atsushi meets him with enthusiasm.