Archive of Our Own ^beta

Staring out the jeep window Tubbo sighs, this will be a long day again. The altar he was told about in theory was here, it was based around an ancient god from the ancestors of the Vikings. From what he could tell, the God was their deity for chaos, goodwill, and good harvest. 

An odd assortment of things but Tubbo has found weirder. 

“Ok, bitch, where is this alter and ancient text hidden?” Tubbo asked himself as he stepped out of the vehicle, equipment bag over his shoulder and book in hand.

Aimsey told him that this god required berries or blood for their ritual and Tubbo saluted the ancient beings' commitment to the sacrifices. Berries were harder to find back then, especially ones that wouldn't kill you instantly.

Glancing at the looming trees whose branches shaded him from the sun and back down to the forgotten pathway, now covered in moss, rocks, fallen leaves, and cobwebs Tubbo knew it would be hard to find the berries again. This god sure was one of chaos with their sacrifice being nearly impossible to collect both then and now.

Deciding there was no time like the present, he collected his flashlight from the jeep for safety before walking down the pathway, moving the low-hanging branches from his legs.

Tubbo walked around the area for a few moments before kicking a stone, he hadn't noticed it at all, hidden beneath the blanket of forest. He cursed at the rock, thankful for his boots to protect his poor toes. Tubbo squinted at the rock and realized that it wasn't natural… unless most rocks were perfectly squared and about five feet in diameter.

He crouched down and shifted some of the leaves, noticing etchings in the stone, yes, very not natural. The engravings resembled that of the elder futhark. They were poorly engraved, their only tool at the point was likely a chisel made from the same rocks so it was hard to get exact linework.

While not exactly the same Tubbo could see how the elder futhark inscriptions evolved from it, some of the symbols and letter placements were alike. He wasn't picky though, and neither was the program he used on his computer.

Tubbo quickly cleaned off the dirt and grime, revealing the entire altar and the worn-down engravings along with it. The plants and dirt were oddly easy to clear, Tubbo only needed to grab his multi-tool and use the knife to carve squares out of the dirt before he could pull it off like a draped blanket. It was frankly satisfying, one of the many reasons he loved his job as a classicist.

Quickly translating the phrase as best he could, it appeared to be a prayer of sorts, he decided that this would be the perfect thing to recite as he waited around. Luckily for him, he packed some berries in his jeep.

“Right, I can pretend I know how to do this.” Tubbo unconfidently said, nodding to himself. He recited the prayer, trying his best to pronounce the phrases and words that felt like cement in his mouth. When he completed the prayer Tubbo placed the berries on the altar and thanked the god in English.

Nothing occurred as per normal but Tubbo felt easier being on the grounds of such a holy place now. The grounds themself were fairly small. He estimated they were around the size of a small classroom 

He quickly started to collect photographs of everything and document the plants and history of the place and what he saw. The professors would be upset if he went on joyrides to temples for no reason. Luckily for him, they were joy rides because he loved the job.

Each part of cleaning the altars, the walkways and the structures. Seeing the cultures from each continent and being immersed in the world of old times fascinated him more than museums of what his city could provide.

He’d been called a nerd by so many of his old classmates for reading about ancient Aztecs, the indigenous people of North America, and the Norse gods. Tubbo ignored them, further researching each culture and learning about more and more.

For his grad trip, his mother took him to some of the temples in Mexico, she wanted to visit the beaches and suntan and be a tourist but Tubbo just stared at the temples in amazement and researched the rest of the time.

We're waiting every night to finally roam and invite

His phone was ringing, gods why did Aimsey convince him that ringtone was a good idea?

Newcomers to play with us for many ye-

“Hello, Aimsey, how are you?” Tubbo answered the phone, ending the pain that was his ringtone.

“Tubbo, Tubster, Tobias, Toby, I am doing very well. Recently found out about a new spot for you. Near and around to your cords so if you wanna make this trip a double feel free. Professor asshole will be upset if you come back empty-handed again,” Aimsey answered, he was too calm at all times, and it disturbed Tubbo.

“Ok, where exactly is it? I am just cleaning up from here and I have loads from this site but I'll take another spot if I can,” Tubbo agreed, speeding his packing up so he could input the cords Aimsey gave him in the next few minutes.

It was almost tradition for Aimsey to chat with Tubbo for twelve more minutes than needed, they were good friends and it pissed off the old geezers that were their professors. Aimsey caught him up with their life back at campus and Tubbo caught them up with his own on the road.

“But yeah that is how I was nearly killed by a blender. Hardly survived to tell the tale and honestly, I will be scared shitless to use them for the next three years like any rational person,” Aimsey finished their story as Tubbo nodded along, knowing they couldn’t see what he was doing.

“Very nice, now, where are those cords? I am all packed up and have all the research I need and a good chance if I leave now I can make it before dark to set up camp,” Tubbo asked, hoping Aimsey had them on hand.

“Oh yeah no I have them right here! 30.443299,-88.537150, they should be almost exactly, if not just a little south from the exact location.” Aimsey explains, saying the numbers three times so Tubbo can properly get them down.

“Awesome, thank you Aimsey, have fun with your blenders and fighting off old men,” Tubbo said.

“Bye-bye Tubs,” They hung up and Tubbo placed on his downloaded music.

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

This ruin was… it felt different, Tubbo got shivers as he stepped out of the car. Not the kinds of shivers you get when something magical presents itself but the shivers when something is wrong .

Based on the report this is a god from a forgotten civilization, they protected their worshipers from greed and anything of material value. They also brought blood rain and evil spirits who would know when you did wrong.

His favourite part was the god's name, he did a translation to see what it would mean in modern English and after a few minutes his computer spat out “Weak Sheepskin” Tubbo found himself wheezing and mocking the name as he set up camp.

The rain started to come down as Tubbo climbed into his camp. He cursed under his breath before chucking and mockingly calling the god (whose name is still terrible) out for starting the rain.

Tubbo threw a tarp over his jeep and placed the e-brake on so it couldn't roll away on the flat ground. He was overcautious, okay. 

“Goodnight Weak Sheepskin, Don't catch a cold while I am asleep. I still have your whole monument to document,” Tubbo yelled as he zipped his sleeping bag up, quickly falling asleep from the rain.

Fuck  

Tubbo was screwed, the rain went on all night, and it was h e a v y. His tires were beginning to sink into the mud and Tubbo panicked as he decided ‘screw this he can come back later.’ But his research…. Fuck it. If they wanted this site researched they would need to pay for a new vehicle.

Quickly collecting his laptop, notebook, and sample collectors Tubbo walked into the heavily wooded area. 

Much like his last site, Tubbo noticed trees everywhere, only this time they seemed to be reaching down at him from the heavens. An odd symbolism of sorts if you asked him.

The recent rain left a thin layer of fog everywhere, he slowly walked across the ground, watching his feet partly vanish beneath the fog. Tubbo noticed that the plants parted in a path-like way and he thanked this god instead of mocking it for having that path remain.

Tubbo squinted as he noticed a pillar in the near distance, it had been increasingly difficult to see as the fog felt as if it was creeping further up.

Deciding that the path was clear enough Tubbo broke into a light jog, dodging some plants and ignoring how a sinking gut feeling kept coming over him. Taking a step forward Tubbo stumbled, his pant leg caught on a bush.

He landed hard on his hands, wincing as a loud crunch sounded as his knee hit the floor. Worriedly Tubbo rolled over to see if his knee was broken, it wasn't. Instead, he noticed a white powder drifting off his pant leg.

Leaning over to investigate what he must have fallen on Tubbo noticed bones, too many bones. He shivered as he realized what kind of sacrifices this god took. He had come across this kind of bloodthirsty god before and wasn't too happy to oblige, luckily then he knew about some roadkill down the road and collected it.

This time, Tubbo wasn't so lucky, there were no animals nearby and even if there were they would have been washed away by the rain last night. He cursed under his breath before realizing he didn't have to give them a sacrifice.

“Sheepskin you are a hater, fuck you man I won’t give you a sacrifice,” He decides as he attempted to unbury the alter, revealing a tattered piece of stone, scrape marks likely from the knives of the sacrifice etched the whole thing. The edge was painted with what he could vaguely make out as the ritual.

Tubbo collected photos of the thing and decided he needed a break from this site. Calling Aimsey was a good idea, yeah, they were always a good talk.

His phone rang the entire song played before he was disconnected from the call itself. He was out of service because of course he was.

Tubbo squinted through the fog, when did it get so high and thick? Was it not just at knee height? He didn't like this, none of it felt right and Tubbo wanted no part of what was occurring. Deciding the evidence and documentation he collected was enough, Tubbo placed some of his dried food on the altar before saying a half-assed thank you and turning around.

“ĐØ ɎØɄ ₩₳₦₮ ₮Ø ₮ⱤɎ ₮Ⱨ₳₮ ₳₲₳ł₦?” Tubbo heard, he wasn't sure from where or who but he heard it.

“Hello?” Tubbo asked as he turned around, scanning the forest behind him, slowly backing up towards his Jeep. “Who is there?”

His eyes locked on the altar and the incredibly missing food. It was likely just taken by the animals who were in the woods… the same animals who had gone dead silent.

Tubbo had heard birds chirping, sticks breaking far away, and bugs flying around moments ago. Now it was eerily silent. Almost as if the forest itself knew something he didn’t.

“ĐØ. ɎØɄ. ₩₳₦₮. ₮Ø. ₮ⱤɎ. ₮Ⱨ₳₮. ₴₳₵ⱤɆ₣ł₵Ɇ. ₳₲₳ł₦?” The voice rose, this time Tubbo could feel it moving, the voice seemed to be circling him at an impossibly fast pace.

“Show yourself,” Tubbo said, standing taller and pretending to be far less terrified than he was. 

Tubbo was no coward, he would fight whatever was there with his chin up. He was however scared shitless as any rational person would be in this situation. His spine felt like it was crawling with fear and anticipation.

“Ø₭₳Ɏ,” The voice said, directly behind him.

Tubbo yelped and swivelled on his feet, pointing his flashlight at whatever was in front of him as if it were a sword. His eyes closed tightly on instinct. Even though he couldn't see the thing he knew it was huge, the voice came from a solid seven to twelve feet above him.

“₴Ø ɎØɄ ₳ⱤɆ ฿Ɽ₳VɆ Ɇ₦ØɄ₲Ⱨ ₮Ø ₲łVɆ ₥Ɇ ₳ ₣₳Ⱡ₴Ɇ ₴₳₵Ɽł₣ł₵Ɇ ₳₦Đ ɎɆ₮ ɎØɄ ₳ⱤɆ ₮ØØ ₵Ø₩₳ⱤĐⱠɎ ₮Ø ⱠØØ₭ ₳₮ ₥Ɇ” The voice mocked. Wait… why was it so stuck on the sacrifices? 

It… there was no wait it was a god, right? It was impossible, gods didn't exist, and Tubbo would have encountered one by now or noticed good karma after each sacrifice. Even if this was a god why did it choose him to mock?! 

Hundreds of thousands of years of existence and yet this is when it returns, to mock Tubbo. He decides to open his eyes, an easy way to disprove his own god theory.

…fuck

Ok so the ten-foot-tall creature was most definitely a god, the figure was entirely grey, their feet were shaped like a falcon’s but webbed and seemingly changing slightly as Tubbo looked at them. The god seemed to be wearing harem pants that had a slight undertone of blue in contrast to its skin if that even was skin. The god wore anklets of pure gold that by his guess were around the size of his head.

The god had been wearing a tattered skirt of sorts, it was red but seemed to be made purely of blood, the fabric flowed as a solid would but would refuse to be a solid. The face of the god was near impossible to depict, it looked as if the face of a human was merged with the horns of a ram.

Its mouth contained razor-sharp teeth in millions of rows. Tubbo shuddered as he watched some of them move as it spoke again through a million voices concentrated in one.

“₲łVɆ ₥Ɇ ₳ ₵ØⱤⱤɆ₵₮ ₴₳₵Ɽł₣ł₵Ɇ ØⱤ ĐłɆ.” The god blatantly stated as its arms stretched to the clouds and pulled duel swords out. They sliced through the air and seemed to cut the clouds as they moved to his side.

“Look, I don't have anything else to use for this. Can you cut me some slack?” Tubbo asked, regretting just how informal he was being with the god.

“₦Ø.” The god’s voice sternly boomed. Why did their voices have to be so loud? “ł ₵₳₦ ⱧØ₩ɆVɆⱤ Ʉ₴Ɇ ɎØɄ ₳₴ ₳ ₴₳₵Ɽł₣ł₵Ɇ”

Tubbo froze, “Pardon?” he asked, slowly backing away towards the forest in hopes that if he ran far enough he’d escape the god's domain.

“ɎØɄ ⱧɆ₳ⱤĐ ₥Ɇ ₮Ø฿ł₳₴” The god replied casually as it began to swing its sword toward Tubbo. Deciding he wouldn't be able to run away Tubbo hit the ground and felt the swoosh of the sword as it missed him by mere feet.

He heard trees fall as the sword sliced through them without any effort. One landed right beside him and Tubbo’s eyes locked on the smouldering of the trunk, he could feel the heat still radiating from it as he spoke again.

“Look, I can get you a sacrifice, I don't even know who you are or why I angered you. Please express your issues with me so they may be managed.” Tubbo pleaded.

“ɎØɄⱤ ₥Ø₵₭ɆⱤɎ Ø₣ ₥Ɏ ₦₳₥Ɇ ₳₦Đ ⱤɆ₣Ʉ₴₳Ⱡ ₮Ø ₭łⱠⱠ ł₦ ₥Ɏ ₦₳₥Ɇ ₳ⱤɆ ⱤɆ₳₴Ø₦ Ɇ₦ØɄ₲Ⱨ ₮Ø ₭łⱠⱠ. ₦Ø₩ ₵Ø₥₱ⱠɎ ₴Ø ɎØɄⱤ ĐɆ₳₮Ⱨ ł₴ ₣₳₴₮ɆⱤ,” The god frustratedly replied as it prepared a second stab at Tubbo, this time planning to skewer Tubbo into the ground.

It will likely succeed too, Tubbo had frozen in his place at the mention of mockery at his name. This was the god he mocked, this was the one Aimsey sent him after and this is the god he would die to.

He looked up as the god’s sword swung towards him faster than should be possible. Shutting his eyes Tubbo prayed to all the gods he visited that he didn't die, unluckily for him they wouldn't make it in time.

… death was fairly painless. Tubbo was oddly feeling the exact same, he was happy in a way that being dead didn't mean

“₥Ɏ ₥Ɏ ₴₵ⱧⱠ₳₮₮, ɎØɄ ₳ⱤɆ ₳ ₴₱ł₮Ɇ₣ɄⱠ Ø₦Ɇ ₳ⱤɆ₦₮ 'Ɏ₳?” A new voice said Tubbo was not named Schlatt, why was the voice talking to a Schlatt? Opening his eyes Tubbo found himself face to back with another god.

He rubbed his eyes before taking in the god who appeared to be of the forest. A mossy cape covered in flowers and mushrooms from all walks of the earth draped over its back. Tubbo couldn't see its face or what would resemble a face but he could see the back of what appeared to be a tree with twisting branches that stretched away from where its face would be.

The god seemingly only held its hand out to block the sword of Schlatt.

“₥₳₮Ɇ ł ₮ⱧØɄ₲Ⱨ₮ ɎØɄ ₩ɆⱤɆ ĐØ₦Ɇ ₮ØɎł₦₲ ₩ł₮Ⱨ ₥ØⱤ₮₳Ⱡ₴,” It said again as it gestured to Tubbo who noticed he hadn't taken a breath in a good minute or so. He held his hand up to his chest and noticed that it was rightfully shaking in this situation.

Schlatt laughed, shaking the ground beneath him “ⱧɆ ⱤɆ₣Ʉ₴ɆĐ ₮Ø ₱₳Ɏ ₣ØⱤ Vł₴ł₮ł₦₲ ₥Ɏ ĐØ₥₳ł₦ ₱ⱧłⱠⱫ₳. ₦Ø₩ ₥ØVɆ ₴Ø ł ₥₳Ɏ Ɇ₦Đ Ⱨł₴ ₥ł₴ɆⱤ₳฿ⱠɆ Ⱡł₣Ɇ ł₦ ₥Ɏ Ø₩₦ ₦₳₥Ɇ.”

“ɎɆ₳Ⱨ, ₦Ø. ₮Ⱨł₴ ₥ØⱤ₮₳Ⱡ Ⱨ₳₴ ฿ɆɆ₦ ɆӾ₱Ø₴ł₦₲ ØɄⱤ ₦₳₥Ɇ₴ ₳₦Đ Ɽł₮Ʉ₳Ⱡ₴ ₳₦Đ ₳Ⱡ₮₳Ɽ₴ ₮Ø ₮ⱧɆ ₩ØⱤⱠĐ, ⱧɆ ₲Ɇ₮₴ ₮Ø ₴₮₳Ɏ,” The new god, Philza replied.

Tubbo decided that he liked Philza, this god would be next on his bucket list to write an article about. If he got out alive that was. He only needs to get to his Jeep and drive away, trusting that Philza would persuade Schlatt to let him stay alive.

He looked at the god who was still in a stalemate with Schlatt as they held their weapons against one another, Philza’s made of pure life from the forest, not his hand. Tubbo glanced at his Jeep and realized he had a clear shot for it now.

“Fuck it,” He whispered before he darted along the trees, ignoring the fight that began when his movement was noticed by Schlatt.

Quickly jumping in his Jeep and tossing his equipment in the passenger seat Tubbo threw the vehicle in reverse, slamming on the gas pedal and turning around completely with the wheel. He watched as the gods fought over him, the sounds of their blades clashing were louder than anything he had ever been subjected to before.

He decided that now wasn't the time to worry about that, his ears would survive. Tubbo changed the car's gears so he could drive forward and slammed his foot to the ground again. Going easily 150km until he reached the main road where they were likely to not attack.

“Good gods,” Tubbo said to himself as he placed the Jeep on cruise control and sat back, relaxing for the first time since he fell onto those bones.

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

Tubbo sat at the coffee shop, he couldn't help but scan the area. He had flown back halfway across the world and yet he was still worried over the gods appearing. He didn't know how they worked, he didn't know their customs and Tubbo would be damned before he was found talking to them again.

“Hello? Earth to Tubbo,” Aimsey said as they sat down with two drinks. “Look man, if you need sleep because of time change I won’t judge you but be honest about it.”

“No, I am fine, sorry. Just paranoid because of what happened when I was getting info on those altars,” Tubbo said as he took his black coffee from his friend.

“Right, you keep saying that and never expanding on the matter.”

“I saw two gods, they fought and now I am afraid they will try to kill me again.”

Aimsey looked at Tubbo before sipping their own coffee and nodding slowly. “Uhuh, Tubbo I think you need to get some extra sleep tonight yeah?”

Tubbo nodded, “Yeah, but if I go missing just know it was one of them. Their names are Philza and Schlatt. Don’t say the names because I have no idea what it could do but yeah,”

Aimsey nodded at him worriedly, they asked if he needed to talk but Tubbo refused to. He didn't want them to die from his fatal mistakes.

He was in all honestly becoming too paranoid. Everything felt odd since he got home, things were too convenient. That bedroom door wasn't open when he left, the fridge had all the perfect ingredients for a meal and the weather was too good. 

Tubbo felt like something was watching over him, if it was one of the good gods he found like Philza then yay, but if Philza was able to follow him then so was Schlatt. And if Schlatt followed him, how long until that god tried to kill him again, or worse kill his friends?

Aimsey had left tubbo to his own devices. They had school and he had… a life, great. He decided to head home and take his advice; to get some sleep.

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

Falling off his bed was not pleasant, especially when it was due to being dragged out of it by two very cold hands. Tubbo’s eyes shot open as he tried to grab at his bedding and carpet, yelling for help. He watched in horror as two pitch-black hands gripped his ankles again and dragged him further through his room.

“Stop yelling Tobias, we are trying to help you,” A voice said, it sounded wrong. Not human.

“LET ME GO THEN!” Tubbo yelled back at it, sitting up and punching blindly. He managed to hit the light and noticed how whatever was dragging him was made completely out of shadows.

“No, turn that back off man, it makes our jobs so much harder,” One of the shadow monsters complained. Tubbo did not care, the shadow monster could fuck right off.

“WHO ARE YOU?!” He yelled back, ignoring the annoyance the monsters seemed to be experiencing. “I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU! IF THIS IS ABOUT SCHLATT PLEASE JUST KILL ME HERE AND NOW!”

“Oh damnit, he thinks we are with Schlatt,” The other shadow monster said, it seemed to be moving down the walls across the second dimension, never touching the third dimension and making Tubbo sick to watch.

“Well we aren't, Phil should have explained it,” The one attempting to drag him through his bedroom door said. Tubbo had his fingers locked around the doorframe and was using all his strength to hold on. No way in hell he was going with whatever they were.

Tubbo froze as he felt the other's claw-like hands grab onto his knuckles. He looked up to see its hands emerging from the floor, shifting like those ugly monsters he saw on TV who were meant to scare little kids. Its hands were cold much like the first monster's hands, he hated it.

What he hated, even more, was how easily it peeled his hands from the door, sending him flying alongside the first monster to his very closed front door. The monster flew under the door as Tubbo’s feet crashed into it, he stopped moving and his legs fell from its clutches.

He winced at the pain in his ankles but ignored it as he stood up to try and run away. Looking down at himself he winced at how poorly he planned with his pajamas. A Snom Pokemon stared back up at him, he couldn't be known as the kid who ran around campus in Snom pyjamas.

He also wasn't going to be known as the kid who was found killed by two monsters.

Tubbo ran to his window, peering down at the four-story drop, why did he have to get a dorm so high up and in the worst place? 

No time, he was going to be kidnapped, but… they could have come back under the door… Tubbo could go out of his dorm like a normal person.

“Okay, we need… uhhhhh we need a weapon of sorts, yeah that'll help,” Tubbo delusionally told himself. He walked into his sad kitchen and grabbed what would be mocked as a weapon from the cabinets, a single steak knife.

He walked over to his door and peered out of the peephole, nobody seemed to be there. Tubbo grabbed the handle with his left hand and momentarily felt bad for left-handed people and the pain they endured daily.

“Okay, on the count of three,” Tubbo told himself as he braced to open the door and bolt somewhere. He couldn't feel his gut turning as anxiety began to eat away at him. Something could be lurking on the other side of the door again and he wouldn't know it, there was truly no way of telling unless he opened it.“Three, two, one!”

He turned the door handle and… it was locked.

“Oh you fucker,” Tubbo cursed himself out, losing all sense of worry as he unlocked the door, annoyed and opened it. He went to step outside the door but froze at the man standing on the other side of the door with what seemed to be his two children on either side of him.

The four people stared at one another, mildly in shock. The man was dressed incredibly well, his children were also dressed better than Tubbo but not that level of fancy. They each looked at him with both pity and shock, Tubbo realized very suddenly he still had a bedhead and was VERY MUCH wearing those Snom pyjamas.

Even more, he was holding a stake knife, fuck he was holding a steak knife, Tubbo shoved it behind his back and leaned against his door, trying to seem calm despite them likely having heard him screaming in terror meer minutes ago.

“Uh, hello?” Tubbo said, trying to seem casual.

“Hello, uh could we talk?” The blonde man in the middle asked.

“Sorry, I think you have the wrong place!” Tubbo said as he did his damnedest to seem chipper.

“No,” The blonde man said as he blinked, he stared into Tubbo’s soul and Tubbo felt all his social anxiety crawl up from the depths of his childhood and show itself then.

“Yeah, sorry mate I don't know you,” Tubbo said as he slowly closed the door.

“Look, Tobias, you can come with us or we will drag you out of this apartment much like we did your bed moments ago,” The man blatantly said as his kids pushed themselves from the walls. Tubbo watched as the one in a purple hoodie's hand changed into pure shadows and shifted back.

These… these were the monsters, and they could apparently shapeshift.

“Uhuh, right I don't know you so could I please be left alone?” Tubbo asked as he stepped back, preparing his steak knife to fight these eldritch horrors.

“Yeah no, sorry mate. You need to come with us for your sake,” the blonde man said as he stepped to the side slightly. Tubbo squinted at the man who moved out of the way for nobody.

“Ran please collect the mortal,” The fancy man said, looking past him and at whoever was named Ran. Tubbo glanced back and was immediately scooped up by somebody.

They wore a purple white and blue bomber jacket with a white crop top and purple shorts. They wore a mask and squinted at Tubbo in what he thought was a smile. The smile was unsettling though, animalistic.

“Hello Tobias, I am very sorry about this,” They said as they stepped through his door and began to fall. Tubbo yelled in terror, he glanced up and could see the outline of his door that led back to his bedroom. The three others followed through after this Ran character.

Tubbo glanced down after a minute and felt sick, he was approaching the ground fast.

“PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!” He yelled as Ran adjusted their grip on him slightly.

“We won't die, stop worrying,” They assured, poorly.

“HOW CAN I BELIEVE THAT WHEN WE ARE PLUMMETING TO THE GROUND AS WE SPEAK?!” Tubbo yelled.

Signing, Ran suddenly flew upwards and away from the ground with Tubbo in his arms. Tubbo felt himself fall unconscious at the severe adrenaline rush.

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

Tubbo sat up, he was in a field of wheat, why was he in a field of wheat? Glancing around Tubbo noticed about three moons in the sky, one sun, and clouds of every colour imaginable.

“Great, so they drugged me,” Tubbo said as he stood up too fast. Pausing so the headrush passed Tubbo noticed a black spot in the distance, it was growing far too fast and at this point he didn't even have to guess that was going to be one of the monsters who kidnapped him.

Deciding to get this done with, he picked at the wheat and flinched when it stabbed him slightly as he picked it from the ground.

Tubbo looked back up at the spot and could see the pure inky black shadow-like outline of a monster, quite like the two who were in his room last when he was awake.

How long had it even been?

Would time even pass the same here???

He didn't know or necessarily care at this rate, all Tubbo wanted to do was to just give Schlatt a proper sacrifice or be the proper sacrifice. He was too done with all of this. And the inky black monster was now standing before him so maybe that thing had answers for him.

“Hello Tobias,” The thing said in a hundred voices, tilting its head. Tubbo watched as the head seemed to lag behind and ahead of itself, showing a hundred million teeth within its jaws.

“Hello eldritch monster,” Tubbo greeted, “and please just call me Tubbo, if you are going to kill me I’d rather it be by my proper name.”

“Okay, Tubbo,” The creature said as it shrank down, slowly turning into one of the kids from last night. “Sorry about the appearance, it's hard for me to know what kind of appearance mortals are comfortable with. But I am not going to kill you. If anything Phil, Ran, Purp, and I saved you from Schlatt.”

“All good man, could you please explain what's happening? Beyond what you just said of course,”

The kid? Creature? Sighed, it seemed almost annoyed that he wanted more answers. He pointed at the ground, seemingly asking to sit. When Tubbo shrugged they fell to the ground and sat opposite Tubbo.

“Okay, well first you can refer to me as Tommy, I tried my best to create a mortal form you would like but if this isn't suitable I could just become a clone of you,” Tommy suggested.

“Nope, this is good, thank you though,” Tubbo disagreed quickly, he didn't feel like talking to his mirror image at the moment. He didn't like any of this but he found that rolling with punches was always the best.

“Fine with me, anyways you give us gods offerings. You bring our names back to the Earth and that is nice, most of us are quite grateful for this because we haven't been spoken of or given sacrifice for ages. However, you recently visited the one god who gets pissed off easiest, Schlatt. You mocked a version of his name and didn't follow his ritual, so he tried to murder you and now you are under the protection of me and four other gods,”

Tubbo stared at Tommy, he was hallucinating. There was no way in hell this was real. The only reasonable explanation was this was a dream or that he was in a coma and the drugs in his system were messing with everything.

“Uh huh, and what proof do you have of this?” Tubbo asked skeptically.

“I mean, you were nearly murdered twice, what else can I do here?”

“Pinch me.”

“Pardon?”

“Pinch. Me.”

“No.”

“Tommy.”

“Tobias.”

“It's Tubbo.”

“Sorry, Tubbo.”

“Make it up by pinching me.”

“No.” 

“Pinch my arm.”

“I will not be doing that.”

“Please?”

“Why”

“Because I want to know if this is a dream?”

“But it isn't?”

“That is exactly what a dream hallucination would say.”

“You are awful.”

“Uhuh, just do it OW YOU DIDN'T NEED TO PINCH ME THAT MUCH WHAT THE FUCK MAN!” 

“SORRY, YOU ASKED AND I DON'T KNOW HOW FRAGILE MORTAL BODIES ARE!” Tommy, the god, yelled back.

Tubbo burst out laughing as the god’s face began to redden from embarrassment. He fell on his back into the wheat as the god’s face was overcome with anger, frustration, and embarrassment towards what he had just done.

“You are awful, why the fuck am I even saving you?” Tommy asked as he angrily crossed his arms.

“I have no idea mate,” Tubbo replied as he wiped a tear from his eyes, “All I know is that my sense of what is normal or not is GONE. you are a fucking god and I just bullied you, what is this world?”

Tommy didn't answer, he stared at the mortal and must have been pondering. In all fairness Tubbo should be doing that too, he should be realizing what is happening to him, but he isn't because fuck that shit.

“You know, most mortals I have met over the decades would just cower in fear at the mere sound of my name. You are a nice change, you know, with how you aren't scared to be within a few feet of me and all,” 

Tubbo paused, he never thought about it that way, in all fairness, he never thought of the gods as mortals or with a sense of self and need for interactions much like himself.

“Well, you can always hang out with me on Earth when I am returned. If you have the ability we could share an apartment,” Tubbo offered to the god whose face lit up before he corrected himself.

“That would be amazing, sadly I have duties up here and Phil would kill me. However, I will return you to the mortal plane once Schlatt leaves your state, he was on your trail and we had to divert him to argue your case. Also uh we kinda need you to produce an article on why Schlatt is good, he will try and use you as a sacrifice again if we don't,” Tommy said with a sheepish smile, knowing Tubbo would likely have difficulty with the request.

“I… I can do that, just please keep him from showing up and trying to kill him. Also, could you and the rest of the gods refrain from kidnapping me from my bed? I have a door and you know how to knock on it, I watched you knock,” Tubbo bargained, trying to change the topic.

Tommy squinted at him before smiling and nodding. He stood up and reached his hand out to Tubbo. Only replied as he was helping Tubbo to stand. “Can do! Schlatt is hard to contain but we should be fine,” Tommy agreed with a grin.

Smiling back at him Tubbo realized just how absurd his situation was. Here he is, standing beside a fucking god, making a deal without any strings to save his own life.

Nowhere in his ten-year plan, they made him make before graduating high school was there “meet a god, piss off said god, be saved by another god, get kidnapped by said god, and befriend that god's friends”. Oddly enough he didn't think it was in anyone's ten ten-year plans.

If it were they would have been taken to the councillors and interrogated about how serious they are with their future, a fate none wish to deal with.

The god before him was odd though, he had never once mentioned when Tubbo had helped him or what he needed as a sacrifice, or told him to tell people about him. The god just seemed genuinely happy to be .

“Could I ask about the big questions?” Tubbo asked, realizing he was likely to only ask this once.

“Nah,” Tommy replied without hesitation, “That leaves for no fin to watch as the mortals dance around, trying to learn the meaning of simple questions. Just think about them till you  are happy,”

“Alright then, uh another question then,” Tubbo said, a tad upset he couldn't know the secrets of the universe.

“Go for it,”

“When can I go home?”

“When Schlatt is gone.”

“And when is that, do you suppose?”

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

The answer was a day, it took Schlatt a week. That impatient prick.

So that had left Tubbo and at least one god with much time. This god in question was terrible at cards and insisted on playing them despite his natural ability to be terrible at any game presented to him, whether that be a mortal game, a god game, or even one played by ancient civilizations.

He had dragged another god (who Tubbo learnt was named Purpled) into the game in hopes of winning easier, but he did not win easily.

It was quite shameful to watch.

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

“I play a green four!” Tommy said proudly as he laid his second to last card down, not realizing he hadn't called Uno.

Tubbo quietly watched Purpled look up at him and Ran, a new god to the batch. Ranboo nodded to them as he placed their card down, Tubbo immediately looked to Tommy and spoke without a stutter.

“You didn't call Uno, collect four cards.”

Tommy didn't say anything, he looked up at Ranboo with rage filled in his face.

“No.”

“It is the rules,” Tubbo agreed as he prepared to place his next card.

“I don't care,” Tommy argued, crossing his arms stubbornly.

“Tommy just grab the cards,” Purpled sighed as he collected the cards for the god.

“No, bitch.”

“Tommy, you have to collect the cards.” Purpled argued.

“I am a god, so I changed the rules,” Tommy said, confidently.

“Well we are two gods and we counter that by making the rule exist again, so pick up your cards,” Purpled said as he placed the cards neatly in front of Tommy.

“It is the rules,” Tubbo mumbled behind his own cards as he placed down a yellow four.

“Oh shut up, I have had naps older than your city is,” Tommy bickered with Tubbo.

“And? Age doesn't make you better than the fucking rules you dimwhit, collect the cards.” Tubbo ordered.

Tommy glared at Tubbo, flipping him off before collecting the cards and mumbling every swear he had collected over the millennia of existence.

Tubbo grinned as Purpled played a plus-four card. He looked at Tommy as if to dare him to fight them.

The god looked at Purpled and blinked once, he calmly set down his cards before levitating Tubbo, moving him a solid hundred feet away from the table.

“FUCK YOU!” He yelled as he threw a surge of pure power at Purpled, completely obliterating the table and the cards on it. Tubbo frowned as he looked down at the three skips and one wild card he had. That was his game to win.

He sighed and stood up, walking towards Ran who was watching the two battle, throwing punches of power that could level city blocks at one another.

“They do that often?” He asked the god who adjusted their mask as wind from the shockwaves skewed it slightly.

“Sometimes, honestly if they weren't immortal I think they would have killed one another already. Purpled is too stubborn and Tommy is too thick-headed, it mixes perfectly and they take joy in each other's pain,” Ranboo shrugged as they created a forcefield around Tubbo who was very not able to survive the shockwaves of energy.

“So they are constantly just two idiots then?”

“Yes.” Ran agreed without hesitation.

“They are a pain in my ass is what they are,” A new voice said, Tubbo looked back and was greeted by the blonde man who was still dressed too fancy.

The man, Phil, stood beside Tubbo and Ran in relative silence for a few minutes, observing the red and purple waves of energy that crashed into one another like waves to a shore.

Tubbo wondered how he was so okay with all of this now, he was watching two gods duel for fun over a game of Uno. A game they only played because Tubbo’s mortal mind got bored significantly faster than their own.

“Right, well I have to be the bearer of bad news, one moment,” Phil said as he walked past the two and towards the duel.

He watched as the god raised his hands, creating a thick forest and a mountain between the gods. Their powers crashed into the mountain, breaking through some of it. But they both stopped as they realized Phil had arrived and likely needed their attention.

Tubbo watched as Tommy and Purpled spawned beside Phil, listened to him, complained, and agreed after a minute or two.

“Oh,” Ran said, they had likely listened in on the conversation. Stupid god powers why was Ran allowed to have super hearing as they wanted and Tubbo wasn't?

“What?” Tubbo asked, looking up at his new friend.

“Uh…. Phil will explain it, I hope.”

Tubbo nodded, looking towards where the three used to be and took in a breath before they reappeared in front of him and Ran.

“Hello Tubbo, sorry to ruin your fun but I have good news! Schlatt has left the city and I have managed to talk him out of his rage enough. He knew that I would duel him again like in the forest and that I would win so he was much more compliant than I was expecting,” Phil explained with an unsettling smile, that was something Tubbo didn't like. Gods didn't know how to smile.

To them, baring teeth was a warning amongst animals, smiling was foreign and was forced as they tried to show any ounce of kindness.

“Oh that's nice,” Tubbo said, wondering where this was going but dreading what it could mean.

“Yes, you can go home now,” Phil said, beginning to wave his hand so he could send Tubbo back home.

“WAIT,” Phil paused, “Can I at least say a quick goodbye?”

The god nodded, confused but compliant.

“Okay, uh, well it was nice to know you guys. It's been a short while but you all seem lovely, thanks for keeping me company and for keeping me safe too. Uh, yeah, goodbye!”

◣─────•~❉᯽❉~•─────◢

It had been about a month, a very painful month.

Sadly, after meeting the gods Tubbo still had to get money, they didn't give him infinite money and that was honestly a crime in itself. 

This meant that Tubbo had to get hired and even more go to his job and deal with customers.

Customers like the man who just walked in, he wore a baseball cap, a hoodie and jeans. A completely regular man if Tubbo was asked.

“Hello, what can I get you today?” Tubbo cheerfully asked, putting his training to good use.

“Hello,” The man smiled, and it made Tubbo’s stomach twist. Something about it was wrong. Not his place to say anything tho, “Could I please get a coffee?”

“Yes, what kind of coffee sir?” Tubbo asked as he began to type the order into the iPad.

“Just normal coffee. Mortals are too over the top good me,”   Tubbo pretended to not hear the mumbled but felt himself freeze momentarily.

“Perfect, and just a normal size for you?” The man nodded, “Okay and could I have a name for your order?”

“Schlatt,”

Tubbo pretended to be unbothered, he had to be. There was a good chance this was the god who wanted him dead, but even more of a chance he was just some normal ass paying customer. He made Schlatt pay for the food before walking away and making the drink.

He started to talk to Tommy, Purpled, Ran, and Phil. Even though they were likely busy it was his best shot. They would know if something was wrong and if that truly was Schlatt they could deal with him.

Looking up from his workstation as the coffee brewed, Tubbo noticed Schlatt staring him down, an animalistic hunter looking in his eyes. He looked like he had just cornered his prey and was about to go in for the kill. The god could too.

This cafe was small. The number of people here was easy to scare away and Tubbo wouldn't place it past the man if he was a god to do so.

Ding

The coffee was finished brewing, Tubbo quickly poured the coffee and prepared the mug.

“Black coffee for Schlatt,” Tubbo called out as he placed the coffee down and went back to pretending he was cleaning. He didn't want to speak with that man any more than he wanted to drink that type of coffee.

The door rang again and Tubbo looked up to see four familiar faces.

He both sighed in relief and was spiked with terror. That meant he was correct and the god who had it out for him was in the coffee shop. But also the four who tamed him last time and scared the shit out of him were here to deal with the annoying god.

Tubbo watched in horror as the four ignored him and beelined for Schlatt who starred up from his untouched coffee in horror. He began to speak to them in a language Tubbo couldn't even see himself being able to pronounce. 

Each of the syllables sounded as if they would be cotton in his mouth as he tried to speak them. Must have been an ancient god language of some kind.

The gods who circled Schlatt began to yell, Schlatt yelling in response, Tubbo worried if he should try to break it up for the sake of the others in his store but decided against the matter. He watched an argument over cards, this was much worse.

After a good twenty minutes, Schlatt walked over to him, head hung low as the other gods made what he assumed was their attempt at being happy faces.

“Tobia-”

“It's Tubbo you dimwitt,” Purpled corrected as he swatted Schlatts head.

“Tubbo. I am sorry, please forgive me and accept the money I have deposited to you. Mortal technology is stupid and I apologize if it isn't enough,” Schlatt said, in a croaky voice.

Tubbo felt himself fight off laughter at the sight of the literal god cowering.

“It is all goo-”

“No, he has more to say. Don't you Schlatt?” Phil corrected before Tubbo could accept the apology.

Schlatt sighed. “Also you don't have to write the article about me, if I wanted it written and for my name to be exposed to the world again I should have been kind and treated you well in order to be written about. Sorry.”

Tubbo blinked, he hadn't expected a proper apology, it was strange. “Yeah uh, you are okay. Thanks for the money and I guess please try to use your god powers for the good of the world if you can?”

The god nodded before exiting, Phil, Ran, and Purpled at his heels to make sure he didn't pull any shit.

Tommy stayed behind and placed a piece of paper on the counter.

“It is the coordinates of a few other god altars, they are good and would love to have exposure to the world again. I will give you more later, farewell,” Tommy bowed before leaving.

Tubbo bowed in response before picking up the paper and smiling, gods did he love his job. His stupid, strange, scary job.