Chapter Text
The two men walk through the bustling streets of the Xianzhou Yaoqing.
Moze quietly guides him through the crowd, his hand resting on his friend’s shoulder. They remain soundlessly walking around the ship, though their destination is unclear.
“Jiaoqiu..” He finally breaks the long silence.
“Yes, Moze?” Jiaoqiu (attempts) to face him. “What is it?”
“I need to talk to you. Its about what you did back on the Luofu.” His gaze hardens. He looks towards the other person expectantly.
“Ah.. that. It doesnt matter much now, whats done is done,”Jiaoqiu says in response. He knows that isnt what Moze meant by them “needing to talk”, but he’ll take any chance to not talk about it and change the subject into something more worthwhile. But unfortunately for him, Moze presses on.
“You really did that without stopping to think about whether or not you should do it, huh? You just decided to take that goddamn tumbledust. You worried the shit out of me right there, you know? I just dont like the thought of..” his voice trails off, the hesitancy of continuing showing on his face.
“Fine. We can talk about this. But first, lets go to somewhere else where we can chat,” The foxian reluctantly says.
As they saunter off to go find a place to talk in without the liveliness of the crowds behind them, worry clouds Jiaoqiu’s mind. What if Moze is actually upset with him? What if they get a wedge in between them? All these thoughts seem to just naturally float up to the top of his head, haunting him the entire walk home.
As soon as they made it into the house, Moze closes the front door behind them and gently guides Jiaoqiu to sit with him on the edge of their (usually) shared bed. He cradles Jiaoqiu’s hand in his, feeling the warmth pass through his cold hands.
“Promise to tell me the truth, okay? If i catch you lying about how you feel again- well, i dont know what im going to do with you.” Moze’s face changes to a look of concern, wanting to know what that smug little foxian was thinking so he could comfort him in any way that he could.
Jiaoqiu’s ear twitches slightly from the sound of Moze next to him, the sound being a little bit loud due to the sensitivity of his ears and hearing, along with the proximity.
“I’ll try to be honest here, i swear.” He knows he might not be able to share everything on his mind, but he’ll try his best to tell Moze anything that he’s thinking of, even if its a little bit of an uncomfortable topic.
“Good,” Moze whispers lowly. “Just try to explain to me why you decided to sacrifice your damn health for something like weakening Hoolay.. because god, i just cant understand why.”
“It was just our best bet to killing that thing, you know.. theres nothing i can do about it now. I already told you back there in the city, whats done is done- i didnt want to put anyone else in danger with Hoolay anyways. As long as i can still clearly hear the waves, im content.”
“You already said that to Feixiao back at the Alchemy Commision, dont forget that i was there too.”
“Ah.. right.”
“Is that all you can tell me? Dont be afraid to open up.”
“I-“ Jiaoqiu hesitates. Sure, hes okay with telling him more, but what is there to say? How is he supposed to tell him about everything? About the pain he’s been through?
The room falls silent, the slightly tense quiet only thickening the tension between them. Moze squeezes Jiaoqiu’s hand to let him know that he’s still there to support him after that heavily traumatic experience at the Luofu. Jiaoqiu leans forward towards him, pressing his forehead against the other’s shoulder.
“Get some rest,” Moze says softly. “You dont seem too ready to talk about things, so we should just rest for now.”
As blunt and sudden as Moze is, Jiaoqiu knows that he harbours no sort of ill intention towards him.
But of course, Jiaoqiu wont pass up this opportunity to take a break from being awake.
He brings him down onto the bed with him (despite them still being in their usual working attire), holding him close for a quick little nap.
Moze, now sensing that he is stuck here for the time being, decides to wrap his arms around him, now keeping him in a warm and comfortable embrace. He pats his head, gently caressing his ears as they both get settled on the bed.
Jiaoqiu quickly settles down, his head resting upon the comfortable pillows on his bed, quickly dozing off into a comfortable slumber.
He dreams of his life before the battlefield, back when he would enjoy the life of being a regular Yaoqing citizen, when his only major worries was about not being able to finish his studies in medicine.
He stands in the middle of his old home, the familiar buzz of the outside nature and wildlife ringing through his ears, and just as he starts to enjoy the sounds and feel of the calming area around him, the surrounding area seems to quickly change.
He is transported back to the frontlines, the scent of smoke and rotting corpses and blood, the smoky air from the fires caused by the other side clogging his throat and entering his lungs, the memory of his comrades and patients dying before his eyes playing over and over as a sense of dread fills his heart.
The loud sounds of gunshots and violence, the screams of those who he once considered friends, it brought out something he never wanted to experience ever again. The pain of being worthless.
He stumbles across the rocky battlefield, moving around his feet to make sure he doesnt trip on any of the bodies that he knows are down there lying helplessly on the ground.
War, death, its all just an arbitrary way of rephrasing the conceptual framework of suffering. After all, the first rule of war is to survive, and those who cannot will suffer the endless consequences of pain. But what is the point of being a healer and saving lives if the lives that you have saved will all perish and succumb to the grips of the afterlife?
He suddenly shoots awake, gaining consciousness of where he is outside of the space inside his own head. Lying on his bed, yeah, that sounds about right, but something just feels… off. Like theres something missing despite the seemingly regular setting he’s in right now.
“Wait,” he thinks, “Where’s Moze?” He slowly gets up, a little groggy from having just awoken from his slumber. He listens in to see if Moze is in the house, and hears nothing. He gets a little worried and decides to exit the room to go and search for him just in case he really is in the house.
“Moze? Are you there?,” He calls out into the hallway. Again, no response or sign of life. He’ll just assume that he simply isnt home. Then again, where even is he? For all he knows, its the middle of the night. Its not like Moze to just leave without any warning, especially not when they’re together.
Jiaoqiu wanders back into the bedroom, a little worried, sure, but he’s sure that he’ll be fine. Hes just probably out on another mission, thats all. But still, why would he.. nevermind, just go back to sleep.
But, when he laid back down to try and get more rest, he found himself being unable to sleep without the comforting presence of a certain lover. All these what-if’s remain stuck in the back of his mind, the looming thought of danger and unease lingering on.
As many times as he tries to convince himself that its just a regular night and that its nothing to worry or to have any sort of stress about, he just cant shake that indescribable feeling of dread.
He gets back up and decides to simply just walk around the house a little bit to calm his nerves. It just feels like theres something wrong happening, but hes incapable of acting on any of this because of the fact that now, hes blinded from the Tumbledust he took a couple weeks ago.
Tired and frustrated by his own feelings, he paces around the bedroom, making sure to keep some space between him and where he knows the walls are in order to make sure that he doesnt bump into any of the furniture.
Time just doesnt seem to go fast enough for his liking. In the meantime, he ends up changing into more comfortable clothes (I.E: through texture awareness) and heads downstairs to try and get himself some water from the kitchen.
He catiously walks down the stairs and ends up hitting the corner of a wall at some point (ouch), but he still manages to make it over to the fridge and grabs himself some water.
He doesnt try to pour any of it into a glass, just drinks from the bottle right then and there. Its not worth the hassle to try pouring some water with his disability anyways, its probably just going to make a mess and its gonna waste more time than save it.
He walks back over to the couch, sitting down and listening in to the noises outside, trying to figure out what time it was- it doesnt matter if it was exact, he just wanted to know whether it was truly nighttime or if it was morning already, then maybe all his thoughts would be alleviated.
The sounds of birds chirping was rather faint, so he couldnt hear whether or not they were morning birds singing or if they were just regular frogmouths and nightinggales. Though, there was the barking of the regular dogfights happening in the alleyway, so with a little bit of deduction, he managed to estimate the time to around 9-12pm.
With that said, it’s clear to say that Moze’s sudden disappearance was in fact in the middle of the night, or atleast, between the time he took a nap and the time he woke up.
All of the sudden, he feels the vibrations of the front door opening and closing, the sound putting him on edge.
“Who’s there?!” He calls out. He stands up, listening closely to find the person just in case he might have to defend himself.
“It’s just me.” Oh, it’s Moze. He lets out a sigh of relief, but he still remains standing.
But still, he had to check if he was actually Moze. You can never be too sure, and you can never let your guard down on the ba- wait, what is he even thinking? This is their home, not the place of grief and death.
Moze walks over to Jiaoqiu, making sure to make his steps are loud enough to hear
The familiar scent fills the air, one of blood, sweat, and the deep natural musk of his body.
Ah, so it is actually Moze. Jiaoqiu smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
“Moze.. why weren’t you in bed with me earlier? Where did you go? It’s so late.”
“I was.. hungry. And when I checked the fridge, it was mostly empty save for a few slices of bread and some water. So I went out and bought groceries. They’re in the fridge.”
Jiaoqiu knew that this was just another half-assed lie to cover up whatever the hell he was up to. Even if he couldn’t see the fridge for himself, he could feel that it was a lie.
“Moze. Where. Were. You.”
Moze stays silent, not answering his question. Instead, he shuffles his way up the stairs and away from the presence of Jiaoqiu, much to his (jiaoqiu’s) disappointment and disapproval.
Why is he avoiding him all of the sudden? Sure, sometimes Moze can be a little bit of a somewhat cold person, but he definitely doesn’t act like this.
“Moze..” Jiaoqiu slowly walks after him, steadily climbing up the stairs. He reaches the bedroom door, hearing sounds coming from within.
He knocks on the door.
“Moze, talk to me,” Jiaoqiu says with the slight sound of desperation in his voice.
“Don’t come in.”
“Let me In.”
…
Jiaoqiu huffs, knowing that he probably won’t let him in and that he needs time.
“I’ll just sit out here and wait for you to open the door, okay?”
…
He sighs. What happened?
Surely nothing bad happened, he didn’t do anything
He didn’t do anything.
He didn’t do anything.
He didn’t do anything.
Right?
The thought of being potentially separated from him rips into every corner of his mind.
What if he did something wrong?
What if their relationship isn’t as strong as he thought it was?
What if I’m not enough for him? That he doesn’t deserve to take care of someone like me?
No, I shouldn’t have expected something real anyways.