Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Webby: I wish I had acid. Thank you, Geeseus. Ahen.

Lena, just after meeting Webby:

Lena: What is this!?

Webby: That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend.

Lena: Ow! Make it stop!

Webby: Surrender to your kindness, Lena. It’s nice to be nice.

Lena: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of ‘my’ (Magica’s) selfishness!

Lena, after she betrayed Magica and got killed for Webby:

Lena: I was so  wrong.

Huey: Webby, I am questioning your sanity...

Louie: I never questioned it, I knew her sanity was missing from the start.

During a sleepover:

Louie: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?!

Webby: Don't worry, it's a holy gun!

Louie: How so?

Webby: It makes holes.

Webby: Anyone down to take couples counseling and see at what point the therapist realizes we barely know each other?

Louie, who hasn’t slept in 5 days because he’s been planning a scheme: Idiots to lovers, 20k words, angst with a happy ending. *Sips coffee*

Dewey: Guys! I found a 100 dollar bill!

Dewey: *Looks around* ….Should I keep it?

Huey: Dewey, just do the right thing.

Louie, planning on stealing it later: And put in your bag.

Huey: No—

Huey: Dewey, what are you doing?

Dewey: *Shaking a cat shaped piggy bank* I’m just trying to figure out how much change I have inside.

Huey: You could always take it out and count it.

Dewey: Where’s the fun in that?

During adventure where Louie and Webby fall into a pit:

Louie: *Looking for a way out* Any ideas?

Webby, who was introduced to Minecraft earlier that week: Slash gamemode creative.

Louie: Dude, this isn't Min-

Webby: *Starts levitating*

Louie: WHAT THE FU–!?

Lena: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere*

Dewey, who forgot Lena has literal magic powers: Where did you get that?

Lena, messing with Dewey: My pocket.

Dewey: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?

Lena: Skills.

Violet: Huebert, they look like handful. How do you deal with them?

Huey, watching Lena screaming, Louie trying to set a sleeping Dewey on fire, and Webby choking on air: I don't know either.

During the same sleepover:

Huey: What do you think Webby will do for a distraction?

Dewey: She'll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*

Louie: ...or she could do that.

Earlier, during the same sleepover, after Huey, Dewie, and Louie lost darts to Webby, Lena and Violet:

Louie: Fine! I don't give a shit!

Lena, deadpan: You seem to give a lot of shit for someone who claims not to give a shit.

Dewey: Knock, knock.

Webby: Who's there?

Dewey: Boo!

Webby: Boo who?

Dewey: Why are you crying?

Webby: I'm not crying?

Dewey: Hello Notcrying, I'm Dewey.

On an adventure where Louie got kidnapped again:

Louie, looking at his watch: It has been 2 hours and sixteen minutes since I’ve been insulted.

Louie, being tied up by a Beagle Boy: It’s been about 5 seconds since I’ve been assaulted, but let’s not talk about that.

Webby: *Slowly emerges from the shadows behind the Beagle Boy*

Louie: Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business.

Huey: No, well, actually, it is.

Louie: You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck finding me.

Webby, on the phone with a random bad guy who took the Triplets: If you ever feel stupid or weak or powerless, just remember that I am not. I am out there, very dangerous, and I am looking for you. Good luck.

Random bad guy who took the Triplets: *Voice wavering* Where did you get this number?

Webby: * Slowly emerges from the shadows behind the random bad guy who took the Triplets*

Webby: *Whispers* Run.

During (yet again) the same sleepover, while playing DND:

Dewey, Dragonborn Paladin: I am your king, long may I reign!

Huey, Eleven Sorcerer: Well I didn’t vote for you!

Dewey: You don’t vote for kings.

Huey: Well how’d you become king then?

Dewey: Webby of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Dewey, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king.

Huey:  Listen. Strange people lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.

Continuation of after Huey, Dewey, and Louie lost at darts to Webby, Lena, and Violet:

Lena: Go to hell!

Louie: Where do you think I came from?!

Webby: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

The morning after the sleepover:

Lena: Last night I found out Huey is a sleep talker.

Webby: Oh, really?

Lena: "The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell." Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.

A few days after the Triplets and Donald moved in:

Webby: Good morning! As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer.

Huey: …

Webby: …

Huey: ...Please, go back to bed.

During The Sleepover (again):

Webby: Lena keeps forgetting which WiFi network she’s supposed to use.

Webby: So I renamed ours to "Lena, use this one" to help her out a little.

Once again, during The Sleepover:

Louie: Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—

Webby: Cenotaph.

Louie: What?

Webby: It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honoring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.

Louie: I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.

Webby: There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.

Louie: Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.

Webby: So it's a temporary cenotaph.

Louie, sarcastically: And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.

Dewey: Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

During The Sleepover(I think I’m gonna make a separate fic specifically for this sleepover):

Dewey: So I got this amazing plan!

Huey: We fail almost every time you say that.

Dewey: Well this is the same! But with a hamster involved.

Dewey: I am not out of control! I'm a law-abiding citizen!

Huey: Really? Name one law.

Dewey: Don't kill people?

Huey: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

Webby: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Dewey: Not if they consent to it.
Louie: Depends who you’re stabbing.
Huey: YES?!?

During Duck-Sibling game night(Donald and Della are in time-out):

Dewey: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Louie: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!

Dewey: I’m leaving, and I’M TAKING WEBBY WITH ME!

Huey, picking up the Scroogeopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

After a Triplet Argument™:

Louie: Dewey isn’t answering his phone.

Webby: I’ll call.

Louie: Huey and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi–?

Dewey, who picked up the phone because he figured out Huey or Louie asked her to call and picked up just spite them: Hello?

Louie: Webby just insisted Huey, Dewey, and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter.

Louie: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

Dewey: Huey? I mixed redbull with coffee and now I can see sounds, should I worry?

Huey: Dewey, I swear to the gods—

Dewey, recovering from last quote: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

Huey, knowing Dewey is high off pain meds: Sure...

Dewey: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.

Huey: Okay?

Dewey: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.

Huey: …

Dewey: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio–

Huey: Geeseus, that one is a little–

Webby, genuinely interested: No, no, Dewey, keep going.

Louie: Alright, what pizza toppings should we order?

Dewey: Anchovies and pineapple.

Webby: I like beets!

Huey: Have you guys ever had a cheese-less pizza?

Louie: I’m disowning all of you.

Dewey: Ow!

Huey: What’s wrong?

Dewey: I have this weird pain right above my eyebrow.

Huey: It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Webby: Huey! The man was in some kind of cult that worshipped divine forest creatures with antlers and that’s how he met his end.

Huey: Dear gods!

Webby: Yeah! Exactly!

Huey: I have a bad feeling about this...

Dewey: What do you mean?

Huey: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?

Dewey: No?

Louie: That actually explains so much.

Dewey: Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:

Dewey: Louie, what the actual FUCK?

Louie: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism.

Dewey: How so?

Louie: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

Huey: Webby, I think we have a problem.

Webby: What, the fire?

Huey: No, the- wait, what fire?

Webby: Oh forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

Louie: I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

Huey: You borrowed a crane?

Webby, looking guilty: Not exactly.

Louie: You stole a crane?!

Webby: Exactly.

Louie: *Holds hand out for a high-five* Nice.

Huey: LOUIE!

Louie: What?

Dewey, high off pain meds for the RedBull-Coffee incident: Strawberry milk doesn’t taste like strawberry OR milk.

Louie: Go the fuck to sleep Dewey.

Webby, trying to comfort Huey: What's the problem? Low self-esteem? Your anxiety? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

Louie, texting Webby to help him hide a body: Dear Webby, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

Lena: How did you break your leg?

Dewey: Do you see those porch stairs?

Lena: Yes.

Dewey: I didn't.

Dewey: I am a ninja.

Huey: No, you’re not.

Dewey: Did you see me do that?

Huey: Do what?

Dewey, who just farted: Exactly.

Lena: What's two plus two?

Dewey: Math.

Lena: ...I will accept that answer.

In my Promises Kept Au:

Webby: Protip is you do not feel good about yourself after eating tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce.

Dewey: What's wrong with you??

Webby: I literally JUST said I ate tomato sauce on iceberg lettuce?? Pay attention.

Huey: No, he means other than that.

Webby: Ohhhhhh.

Webby: I haven't slept in 4 days.

Louie: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.

Lena: …

Lena: I like you.

While the family was at a carnival:

Dewey: You call it "really bad at darts", I call it "freestyle acupuncture."

Game manager: ...I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Huey: I swear to the gods I'm the only one here with a braincell.

Dewey, and Louie: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

Huey: *Very seriously* You need to stop doing weird things to cope with stress. Going outside might help.

Dewey: I went to the park today.

Huey: There you go! I hope you got something from that.

Dewey: *Opening their coat* This duck.

*Dewey falls through the ceiling, landing near Webby*

Dewey: Hey, Webby!

Webby: Hey, Dewey!

Dewey:  …that hurt.

Louie: Who wants to make fifty bucks?

Dewey: How?

Louie: I need someone to take the fall.

Dewey: What did you do?

Louie: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.

Huey, from the other room: Oh my god.

Louie: ...

Huey: OH MY GOD!

Dewey: Make it a hundred.

Louie: Deal.

While the Duck kids are trapped in a video game (again):

Louie: So, you’ve finally arrived—

Louie: Here to save prince—

Louie: I’ve been waiting for this day—

Louie: Stop skipping my dialogue—

Louie: Seriously, stop—

Louie: MOTHER FU—

Louie: I got an idea!

Huey: Does it involve breaking the law?

Louie: By now don’t you think that’s a given?

Huey: I was just trying to be optimistic.

Louie: Don’t bother.

Donald: What does “take out” mean?

Dewey: Food.

Huey: Dating.

Louie: Murder.

Webby: It can be all three if you’re brave enough.

In a commercial for Louie Inc.’s new ‘Super Water’:

Louie: I truly believe that water can solve all your problems.

Huey: Weight loss? Drink water.

Dewey: Clear skin? Drink water.

Webby: Want to get rid of someone? Drown them.

Webby: Would you slap Dewey-

Louie: Yes.

Webby: I didn't even finish!

Louie: Sorry, continue.

Webby: Would you slap Dewey for 10 dollars?

Louie: I would do it for free.

Dewey: Rude...

Dewey: Are you free tomorrow?

Louie: No, I’m fucking expensive every day.

Dewey: I’m not stupid, you know.

Louie: Well, you’re doing a really good impression of it!

Louie: Consider the fundraising over! Your hero has arrived!

Huey: Uhh… where did you get so much money from, Louie?

Louie: Well, you know, I’m pretty good at numbers. I just crunched them, I stretched them, I analyzed my accounts, I timed the market-

*Police sirens start to wail in the background*

Huey: DID YOU ROB A BANK?!

Louie: Oh, come on, Huey, do you really think so little of me? *Opens the bag as purple dye explodes on his face*

Huey: …

Louie: …it was a credit union.

Huey: Does everyone know their job for today?

Dewey: Water the flowers.

Lena: Vacuum the carpet.

Louie: Wash the dishes.

Webby: Pretend to be a wolverine.

Huey: Close enough.

Huey: An apple a day keeps the doctor away!

Webby: An apple a day can keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

Dewey: We’re playing Scrabble. It’s a nightmare.

Huey: Scrabble? Scrabble’s great.

Dewey: Not when you’re playing with Webby, it’s not. She puts words like “ephemeral” and you put “dog.”

Huey: Do you know the ABCs of first aid?

Dewey: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad.

Huey: Why can't any of you ever clean up after yourselves?

Dewey: I have a person who does that for me.

Huey: Yeah, ME.

Dewey: I'm glad you agree.

Huey: I hope you have an explanation for this.

Louie: We have three, actually!

Dewey: Pick your favorite.

Louie, pointing to the wall: What color is this?

Webby: Gray.

Huey: Grey.

Louie, turning to Dewey: Now tell them what color you think it is.

Dewey: Dark white.

Huey: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world.

Louie: Unless you're home alone.

Dewey: Do you see yourself as a glass half-full or glass half-empty kind of person?

Webby: Half-full, definitely.

Webby: Half-full and constantly rising.

Webby: Soon the water will escape its container and consume us all.

Dewey: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

Louie: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you.

Dewey: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.

Louie: ...

Promises Kept AU Louie trying to teach Webby(who is aro-ace) how to flirt for a scheme:

Louie: Compliment me.

Webby: You have eyes.

Louie: Yeah, that works.

Louie: Huey likes to say ‘you can be part of the problem or part of the solution,’ but I happen to believe you can be both.

Chapter Text

Louie: Where’s my chair?

Webby: Dewey broke it over Huey’s back while they were wrestling.

Huey: Correction, Dewey was wrestling. I was eating soup.

Huey: Go on, give Dewey a compliment.

Louie: How do you expect me to do that?

Webby: Just say something that you wish someone would say to you.

Louie: Uhh… You are now unbanned from Free Ham Sandwich Day!

Dewey, sobbing: Nobody’s ever said that to me before!

Webby: It’s time to turn this into a real business.

Dewey: What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?

Huey: Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?

Louie: I handle our accounting.

Dewey: *Gasp*

Huey: wHAT??

Dewey: What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish?

Huey: *inhales*

Webby, in another room with Louie: Why can I hear screeching?

Webby: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Dewey: That's deep.

Louie, deadpan: That means that ketchup is a smoothie.

Dewey: That's deeper.

Huey: ...You guys are idiots.

Webby: You were stabbed. Do you remember anything?

Louie: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Webby: That wasn't an ambulance, I drove you.

Louie: But I heard a siren.

Huey: That was Dewey.

Dewey: Sorry, I got nervous.

Webby, in a room with Dewey, Huey, and Louie: It’s calm in here.

Webby, suspecting that they’re all doppelgängers: It concerns me…

Huey: What the heck was that?

Webby: *picks up a flashlight* Only one way to find out!

Dewey: Wait a minute! You don’t go TOWARDS the spooky scary banging!

Louie, so fucking done with this shit: Yes, we do, Dewey. We always do.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby, singing to the tune of I Kissed a Girl: I killed a guy, and I liked it-

Dewey, whispering: Should we call the exorcist?

Louie, absent-mindedly singing along: The taste of his cherry chapstick.

Huey, appalled: Call the exorcist.

Louie, pointing to a mind-controlled Dewey and Huey: Distract them! I'll be right back! *leaves*

Webby: Okay!

*five minutes later*

Louie: *returns and sees Dewey and Huey unconscious on the ground* What did you do? I said distract them, not knock them out!

Webby: There's just no pleasing you sometimes.

Webby: HYDRATE OR DIE-DRATE!

Webby: *aggressively throws water bottles*

Louie: Uh... what's up with her?

Dewey: She’s trying to yell mental health and wellbeing into us.

Webby: I APPRECIATE ALL OF YOU!

Huey, who hasn’t slept in 5 days, crying: It's working.

Webby, trying to instill fear into a kidnapper: I am darkness. I am an power. I am your worst nightmare. I could kill a man in more ways than you can imagine. I am the night. I am fury, I am a weapon, I am-

Dewey: A doll.

Louie: A cinnamon roll.

Huey: A sweetheart.

Webby: …

Webby: ...stop it.

*In a horror movie situation*

Louie: I've got no service in my phone here.

Huey: Shoot, my battery just died.

Dewey: Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.

Webby: Guys, my phone is a book.

In my Promises Kept AU:

*talking about Webby*

Huey, super happy to have their sister back: She is beauty.

Dewey, also super happy to have their sister back: She is grace.

Louie, a week after finding out the Webby is basically the pink-sparkly version of The Red Hood, running into the room: SHE CAN DESTROY EVERY ANIMAL RACE!

This conversation takes place when they are in high school after health class:

Dewey: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies?

Huey: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials.

Louie: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby.

Webby: Rock also defeats baby.

Huey: *exasperated sigh*

Huey: What starts with F and ends with Uck?

Louie: No it doesn't.

Webby: Firetruck!

Dewey: FUCK!

Dewey: A SPIDE-DEER!!!!!!

Huey: KILL IT! SMASH IT!

Louie: BURN IT!

Dewey: STAB IT! WITH A KNIFE! GET ME THE SHOTGUN!

Webby: Awww, it’s so cute! Look at it!

Louie: Hey Webby.

Webby: *punches Louie in the stomach*

Louie: What the fuck?!

Webby: You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this. You're too young... YOU’RE TOO BEAUTIFUL!

Louie: What the fuck are you talking about?!

Webby, thinking Louie got hit with a spell at some point: I'm talking about the baby that's growing inside of your belly right now.

Louie: I'm not pregnant!

Webby: Well, not after that punch you're not. I know every martial art ever.

Louie: I was never pregnant, Webby!

Webby: Are... you sure?

Louie: Yes! I'm fucking sure!

Dewey: I'm sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here?

Webby: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test and—

Dewey: *punches Louie in the stomach*

Louie: AW, MOTHERFU–

Louie: What is it called when you kill a friend?

Huey: Homicide.

Webby: Murder.

Dewey: Homiecide.

Louie, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.

Dewey: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...

Huey, visibly confused: Okay, so he decided to put the cutting board in the oven?

Louie, spraying Dewey: You FUCKING DUMBASS!

Dewey: Dude, I forgot-

Louie: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?

Webby: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

Louie: Oh gosh I wish I got more sleep I only got six hours!

Dewey: Six? I only got three!

Webby: You guys got sleep?

Huey, comes stumbling into the room with a jug of coffee: What year is it??

Louie, who recorded the whole thing instead of helping: I just watched Dewey jump off of a spinning chair. Unluckily, he wasn’t hurt that badly. But the whole time, Webby was screaming for help, because her grappling hook got stuck in the chair when Dewey tried to use it to stop spinning. Which caused Huey to run in to help Dewey, slip, and give himself a concussion. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.

B.O.Y.D, watching Louie and Dewey fight as Webby referees: Are you sure they should be fighting? What if they get hurt?

Huey, not bothered by the chaos: It’s fine. They’re too evenly matched to hurt each other.

B.O.Y.D: Then... who’s the strongest out of you four?

Louie: Webby.

Huey: Webby.

Dewey: Webby.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey, talking about a show: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?

Huey: Um, murder???

Webby: Adventuring!

Louie: Tuesday.

Huey: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?

Dewey: A setting!

Louie, deadpan: A character.

Webby, a gleam in their eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.

Webby: Why are you smiling?

Louie: What? I can’t just be happy?

Huey: Dewey tripped and fell in the parking lot.

Glomgold: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!

Louie: And here we have a capitalist.

Huey: Did you just-

Dewey: Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.

Webby: Are you laughing at that video of Huey and Dewey fighting?

Louie: No.

Louie: I'm laughing at the comments.

Huey: Why are you two always out during rainstorms?

Webby, who rarely got to leave the mansion because Mrs. Beakley was worried F.O.W.L would try to take her back, but was allowed to go out when it rained: It’s so peaceful and refreshing. I love the smell of rain.

Dewey: Louie bet me I couldn’t get struck by lightning, but he’s WRONG.

Huey: My stomach growled super loud in French.

Huey: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class.

Webby: Bonjour.

Louie: Le growl.

Dewey: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.

Webby, playing a video game: How do I play?

*Webby has drawn first blood!*

*Webby is on a killing spree!*

*Webby is on a rampage!*

*Webby is unstoppable!*

*Webby is dominating!*

*Webby is godlike!*

Webby: Don’t worry guys, I figured it out.

Louie, just after meeting Webby:

Webby: When do I get my gun?

Louie, genuinely terrified of Webby: I wouldn’t trust you with a kid’s lightsaber.

Webby: Surgery is basically just stabbing someone to life.

Louie: Please never become a surgeon.

Webby: You know, there’s something weird going on with your face?

Louie: What?

Webby: You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that?

Webby: If I may interject...

Louie: Oh, awesome, Webby was eavesdropping.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: People tell me I have a unique way of lighting up a room.

Louie, knowing Webby just burnt down a building full of people traffickers: It’s called arson and those people are called corpses.

Webby: It’s just that lollipop sticks last longer than the head, even if they’re less flavorful. I’m thinking of paper sticks, because you can peel off the layers with your teeth or leave it there until they fall off naturally, but plastic sticks can be chewed on too or left sticking out like a cigarette. Paper straws can be eaten layer by layer over time though, so they have the edge.

Louie, bored: Can’t we just leave while they’re distracted?

Dewey, genuinely interested: But what about wooden sticks?

Louie: I hate you.

Dewey: Huey’s amazing at concentrating. Once he starts reading, the only way he’ll notice you is if you take his book away. Not even if you hit him or shake him!

Louie: That was him ignoring you.

Dewey: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that Webby does? What if she jumps off a cliff?

Huey: If Webby were to jump off a cliff, she would have done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see Webby jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff.

Dewey: You’d jump off a cliff.

Huey: Gladly, provided Webby did first.

Webby: Why is Dewey crying?

Huey: He saw a leaf on the sidewalk and-

Dewey: IT LOOKED SO CRUNCHY!

Webby: Please don’t say what I think you’re gonna say-

Dewey: AND WHEN I STEPPED ON IT THERE WAS NO CRUNCH!

Webby: NO, NOT THAT!

Dewey: Webby has never seen Star Wars? Huey, the only people in the universe who haven’t seen Star Wars are the characters in Star Wars and that’s cause they lived them, Huey! That’s cause they lived the Star Wars!

Dewey: Top 30 reasons why Dewey is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you!

Louie: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

Dewey: Hey Louie?

Louie: Yeah?

Dewey: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

Louie: …

Louie: ...What.

Dewey: Do you know a turtles only weakness?

Webby: No... well, their slowness.

Dewey: Their weakness is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.

Dewey: Now I have a plan.

Dewey: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

Dewey: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.

Louie: Dewey, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.

Dewey: Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.

Louie: Well, I mean yeah.

Dewey: So come downstairs while they’re still hot.

Louie: Wait, you just made them?

Dewey: Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.

Louie: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Dewey.

Dewey: Coca Cola is a health potion, Pepsi is a mana potion.

Huey: What’s grape soda?

Dewey: It’s fucking purple baby!!!

Louie: According to the footage here, you shook the vending machine and when the shake alarm went off, you punched the glass and broke it.

Dewey: …I was hungry.

Louie: Why do you act like we’re three year olds?

Huey, exasperated: WHY?!?

Huey points at Lena: YOU TRIED TO HYJACK A CAR!

Huey points at Dewey: YOU ATE MULTIPLE DRIED LEAVES AND ROCKS OFF THE GROUND!

Huey points at Louie: AND YOU NEARLY JUMPED 20 FEET OFF A CARPARK! I DON’T IF ‘WEBBY WAS GOING TO CATCH YOU’, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT FOR A DANG SCHEME!

Huey: AND YOU ASK ME WHY????

Louie, who has met literal gods: If God’s ever been mad at anything I’ve ever said, he hasn’t done shit about it.

Louie: So, he either doesn’t care or he’s a coward.

Louie: What happened to your nose?

Dewey: I used it to break some guy's fist.

Dewey: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?

Lena: Bleach.

Louie: Sewage.

Dewey: ...Please calm down, edgelords.

Lena: Here’s the cold medicine you asked for.

Lena, who was actually given wine as cold medicine by Magica: *dumps 3 shopping bags of wine on the table*

Huey: ...Thanks.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: *gets a text* It’s Webby.

Lena, excitedly: Did she get me the stuff?

Louie: Yeah, she says she got you the clown costume, the power drill, and 12 gallons of blood.

Lena: Wow! Where’d she find 12 gallons of fake blood?

Louie: You wanted fake blood?

Lena: …

Louie: I’ll go call Webby.

Louie: Let’s write Dewey a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...

Dewey: So, what's it like living with Lena?

Violet: She once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter."

Dewey: ...

Violet: I love her. (PLATONIC! THEY ARE FUCKING SISTERS! ADOPTED OR NOT!)

Huey: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer.

Webby: You're right, Huey. Violence can't be the answer.

Huey: Correct, Webby. Now, on to the next lesso-

Webby: Violence is the question.

Webby: And the answer is yes!

Huey: Webby, no!

Dewey: I’ve done a lot of dumb stuff.

Lena: I witnessed the dumb stuff.

Louie: I recorded the dumb stuff.

Webby: I joined you in the dumb stuff.

Huey: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!

Louie: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Dewey: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: I wish I could control wasps and bees to sting my enemies.

Huey: You’re too young to have enemies.

Webby: You don’t even know.

Dewey, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

Louie: The real treasure was the memories we made along the way.

Dewey: I almost died.

Louie: That... was my favorite memory.

Dewey: *aggressively throws pencil at Louie*

Louie, deadpan: Oh no. I’ve been stabbed. I’ve been impaled.

Lena: I could kill you if I wanted.

Louie: Yeah? So could any other human being. So could a dog. So could a very dedicated duck. You aren't special.

Dewey: English is CRAZY. Oregano is both a spaghetti leaf topping and a form of paper art!

Huey: What is this "paper art" you speak of?

Dewey: That shit where you make cranes and stuff out of folded paper!

Huey: ... Dewey.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...

Webby: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.

Huey: ...That took an unexpected turn.

Louie: So did their neck.

Dewey: I was arrested for being too cool.

Louie: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Chapter Text

Louie, brainstorming ideas for pranking Huey: How much could a serial killer mask possibly cost?

Dewey: Well it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one but I don’t know if I’d be very successful.

Louie: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually- Wait, how the hell do you know that?

Dewey: …I am very passionate about Halloween, Louie.

Huey: Yeah, I find it quite emotional. In a cool way.

Dewey: Did you just say it makes you cry in a cool way?

Louie: I didn’t want to do it, no one else wanted to do it, so I made Dewey do it!

Dewey: Hi, who's this? Louie changed all of my contacts to mythical creatures.

Huey: What's mine?

Dewey: Dwarf.

Huey: HE’S SO MEAN, I'M NOT THAT SHORT!

Dewey: Oh, hey Huey.

Huey: FUCK!

Dewey: Care to give a free sample to a pretty person?

Huey, manning a Junior Woodchuck bake sale and tired of Dewey’s shit: Sure! You know one?

Dewey: …

Dewey: Care to give a free sample to an ugly person?

Webby: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?

Louie, turning to Dewey: How tall are you?

Webby:  I’m gonna mix a can of Red Bull with seventeen shots of espresso in a fishbowl and then chug it while Kids by MGMT plays in the background so I can perceive twenty-three spatial dimensions and fight my own soul.

Huey: I hate to say ‘I told you so’—

Louie: No, you don’t. You would marry 'I told you so’ and have a baby with it and buy adjoining burial plots.

Huey, who got a part-time job for a Junior Woodchuck patch: I work at lush, and last week a customer came in and took a bite out of the soap because they thought it was cheese... this happens way more frequently than you think.

Dewey: If you stopped literally presenting soap as deli food this wouldn't happen.

Huey: Who goes into a bath store and thinks something covered in glitter is cheese?

Louie: Who goes to the store and just takes a bite from the cheese?

Dewey: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions.

Huey: Ridiculous. Give me some examples.

Dewey: Wasps?

Webby: Terriers?

Louie: Webby.

Kidnapper: I have your partner.

Dewey: What? I don't have a partner...

Kidnapper: Then who just called me a lowlife bitch and spit in my face?

Dewey: Oh my god, you have Louie. ALSO, HE’S MY BROTHER, EWW!

Webby: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Huey: There are three ways to handle a difficult situation. The right way, the wrong way, and the Dewey way.

Louie: Isn't that the wrong way?

Huey: Yes, but it's faster.

Dewey: If I had a face like yours, I'd put it on a wall and throw a brick at it.

Louie: If I had a face like YOURS, I'd put it on a brick and throw a wall at it.

Webby: How is spring not everyone’s favorite season? The trees are PINK, guys!

Huey: Allergies are also a problem, y'know.

Webby: But pink.

Louie: And it's hot.

Webby: PINK!

Louie: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

Huey: Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops!

Dewey: *grabs mace* I got this.

Huey: Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean-

Huey: Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!

Louie: Please, just say fuck.

Webby: Oh, they left the bowl out?

Webby: It says, “Take two pieces of candy.”

Louie: Nobody around though…

*Louie grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it*

Webby: NO—

Huey, reading the newspaper: Huh. Did you know Nickelodeon opened a hotel?

Louie: Yeah, I went there once for a scheme. There was a dead squirrel in the pool and I made Dewey cry by telling him it was the real Sandy.

Webby: Huey won’t come out of your guys' room!

Dewey: Just tell him I said something.

Webby: Like what?

Dewey: Anything factually incorrect.

Webby, shrugging: If you say so.

Huey, arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET?

Dewey: Are you ever going to listen to me?

Huey: Yes. Absolutely.

Dewey: When?

Huey: When you're right.

Louie, to Dewey: Could you maybe just like… stab me… right in the gut. Just REALLY twist it in there. ‘Cause that honestly seems less painful than this conversation.

Huey: You’re not ascending to godhood, you’re just dehydrated.

Dewey: Outta my way, gayboy! I’m about to liberate myself from this mortal shell!

*later*

Dewey, texting Huey: hopital

Louie: Love makes people do stupid things.

Dewey: I love everything!

Louie: That explains a lot.

Webby: .. .----. -- / … --- .-. .-. -.-- (translation: I'M SORRY)

Huey, hasn’t slept in two days: What's that?

Webby: Remorse code.

Huey: I'm even angrier now.

Huey: You were charged with…..breaking into a pet store?

Webby: I thought the animals might be lonely.

Dewey: I made tea.

Huey: I don't want tea.

Dewey: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.

Huey: Then why did you tell me?

Dewey: It's a conversation starter.

Huey: It's a horrible conversation starter.

Dewey: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Louie: I try to avoid pointless group activities. You know like school Christmas Parties or Jury Duty. To me, the most awful sound in the universe is that mangled first note of your peers singing happy birthday.

Dewey: Cool stance. Counterpoint: these are free cupcakes. Get over yourself and take one.

Huey: Dewey, how could you possibly have gotten into this much trouble in one day?

Dewey: It... It didn't take me the whole day...

Reporter: How many children do you have?

Donald: Biologically, legally, or emotionally? Because there is a difference.

Dewey: honk.

Louie: WHAT.

Dewey: HONK.

Louie: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????

Dewey: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?

Louie: I only like dark humor.

Dewey, turning the lights off: What do you call a fake noodle?

Louie: …

Dewey: An IMPASTA!

Lena: Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey!

Violet: I am a vegan.

Lena: Wakey Wakey Vegetables and Sadness.

Louie: If there’s one thing I learned from being brothers with Huey, it’s that if you set people’s expectations low enough, you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

Dewey: Do crabs think people walk sideways?

Louie: ...Dewey, what the hell.

Dewey: Go big or go home!

Huey: Please, for once in your life just go home. I'm begging you. Go. Home.

Dewey: I'm going big!

Louie: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

Dewey: Can I bother you for a second?

Huey: You're always bothering me, but go ahead.

Huey: I know one person who finds me funny!

Louie: Okay, who?... and you can't say yourself!

Huey: Okay then I'm out.

Dewey: Hey Lena, can you give me the opposite of these words?

Dewey: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Lena: Never, Going, To, Give, You-

Lena: The fucking satisfaction.

Louie: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat.

Dewey: I don’t usually eat with losers.

Louie: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?

Webby: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.

Louie: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

Huey: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

Louie: I need some help with my homework, Huey.

Huey: What’s the assignment?

Louie: I’m supposed to write a paper that presents both sides of an issue and then defends one of the arguments.

Huey: What’s your issue?

Louie: That’s the problem. I can’t think of anything to argue.

Huey: That’s hard to believe.

Louie: I’m always right and everybody else is always wrong! What’s to argue about?!

Dewey:  They say that the most valuable things cost nothing.

Louie: They also say that being cheap is an annoying trait, so don’t overuse that excuse.

Huey: Dewey's refusing to wear his glasses!

Dewey: Huey, look, I wore the glasses for a day. My eyes are much better now. Watch.

Dewey: *points to Webby* Webby.

Dewey: *points to Louie* Louie.

Dewey: *points to Scrouge* Sasquatch.

Lena, working at McDonald's: Sorry sir, we don't serve a McFuck here, so either you throw that one slice of pickle out or we're gonna have a McProblem.

Dewey: Why do I always try to tell people we're cool? We are so very uncool.

Dewey: Hey, Huey. These candies you gave me? They sucked.

Huey: But you ate them all.

Dewey: I had to make sure they all sucked.

Context: Donald checks the triplets texting history:

Louie, texting: Dewey, will you please go to sleep?

Dewey, texting back: What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up?

Louie, yelling: I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!

Louie, texting: Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon?

Dewey, texting: I’m trying

Louie, yelling again: TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH!

Louie, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky :)

Huey: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box.

Dewey: That’s a trash can.

Dewey: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.

Webby: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

Dewey: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Huey and not do the thing,

Dewey: Well there’s a clear right answer here.

Dewey: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

Dewey: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!?

Louie: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Louie, talking to Dewey: With all due respect, which is none…

Huey: What are you guys playing?

Webby: Go Fish.

Huey: That’s a nice, safe game.

Huey: But don’t you need cards?

Webby: Where do you keep the spear gun?

Webby: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.

Huey: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Webby: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Dewey: Edible.

Louie: Why did you leave Wrestlemania on for the cats?

Webby: They need to learn how to protect us.

Huey: Dewey, say you’re sorry to Louie.

Dewey: Oh, I won’t do that. Apologizing is for the weak and wrong, which is why Louie should do it to me, because he is weak, and wrong.

Chapter Text

Webby, looking at a dead phone: How do we bring this thing back to life? Magic? Live sacrifice? I know a guy in town-

Huey: So, you lied to me?

Louie: That depends on how you define lying.

Huey: Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?

Louie: Um, reclining your body in a horizontal position?

Dewey: I’m going to dunk on you.

Lena: Bring a ladder.

Louie: I just learned a way to get stuff on the cheap. Steal it!

Huey: Hey, can you do me a favor?

Louie: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.

Huey: You don’t even have a legitimate reason?

Louie: Oh, no, I do.

Huey: Well, what is it?

Louie: You see, I simply don’t give a fuck.

Louie: Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no.

Huey: While I'm gone, you're in charge Dewey.

Dewey: Yes!

Huey, whispering to Webby: You're secretly in charge, but I don't want him to feel bad.

Webby: I know.

Louie: God is no longer with us, I’ll take over.

Louie: Being gay isn't a choice. It's a game and I'm winning.

Dewey, on the phone with Louie: Oh, hey man! Sorry for accusing you of murder last week.

Dewey: What’s the straightest thing you’ve ever done?

Louie: *sighs*

Louie: I killed a man.

Louie: Hey Huey, check out this funny .GIF I found!

Huey: It’s pronounced “jif”.

Louie: Huh?

Huey: “Dot jif”, like the peanut butter. The creator said so.

Louie: That’s dumb, it’s Graphics Interchange Format.

Huey: The P in .JPEG stands for “photographic”, but I bet you don’t say “J-pheg”.

Louie: “P” on its own isn’t pronounced like “F”, that’s totally different!

Huey: It’s exactly the same!

Louie: Name one word that starts with “G” pronounced like “J”.

Huey: Gentrification.

Louie: Shoot, should have thought of that. I was just in San Francisco.

Huey: For your logic to be consistent, you’d have to say “skuh-bah” (scuba) or “lah-seer” (laser)!

Louie: Yeah? Well, you’d have to say “J-pej”!

Louie: …Wait, “laser” is an acronym?

Huey: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

Louie: Huh. Didn’t know that.

Louie: You’re still wrong, though.

Huey: You just hate me because I’m right.

Louie: I just hate you in general.

Huey: You mean in “geh-neral”?

Louie: Ugh, I’m “joing” to kill you!

Huey: Well please don’t let Dewey do anything stupid…

Webby: Stupid by my standards or yours?

Huey:

Huey: Stupid by Uncle Donald’s standards.

Webby: Smart. Dewey will live longer.

Della: My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

Huey: What do you want for breakfast, Louie?

Louie: Gay Cheerios.

Huey: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

Webby: Lena, you love me, right?

Lena: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.

In the first semester of college:

Dewey: Adulting is hard.

Dewey: How do I quit?

Huey: Time travel.

Louie, deadpan: Die.

A small bit after Lena met Webby:

Lena: Uhh.. Webby just asked if we want to…

Lena: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?”

Huey, not even looking up from his project: She’s asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees.

Lena: Oh, that makes more sense.

Dewey: Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo?

Webby: ICARUS?

Dewey: I’m a fool, not an idiot.

Dewey, rushing into the room: It’s terrible, just terrible! I am so upset!

Donald: Dewey, honey, sit down! Sweetheart, tell us all about it. Louie, would you get Dewey some water?

Louie: What is he gonna do with water? Has water ever made you feel better when you were upset? Have you ever heard anyone say, “Thank God, the water’s here!”?

After the triplets were forced by Donald to get a part-time job at McDonalds:

Louie: Hey Dewey, listen, corporate makes us do this every year, but this is just a little manager evaluation form. You just fill it out, let them know how I'm doing, you know?

Dewey: Alright! Uh, "Is your manager manipulative?"

Louie: I'd say "No" to that if I were you.

Huey: Can you be serious for five minutes?

Dewey: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

Dewey: My only talent is being stress.

Webby: Don't you mean stressed?

Dewey: No.

Huey: Are you alright?

Dewey: Short answer or long answer?

Huey: Short?

Dewey: No.

Huey: Long?

Dewey: Nooooooo.

Louie: Why is it so hard for you to believe me?!

Huey: ...

Louie: Oh, right. The lying.

*Dewey is reading a Clifford The Big Red Dog book*

Louie, watching: How did he get to be so big? Do they ever explain that?

Dewey: Well, Emily’s love for him grew, and so did he.

Louie: Well, your dog is pretty small. Guess that says something about you, huh?

Dewey, angrily shutting the book: YOU’RE SMALL! WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT YOU!?!

Louie: The best person I know is myself.

Dewey: I don't want to fight you!

Webby: I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

After Webby drank an entire pot of coffee on impulse:

Webby: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?

Huey: Please don’t get arrested.

Webby: No promises!

Louie: Why not both? Get creative!

Webby: Wonderful suggestion, thank you.

Huey: Please don’t encourage her, Louie.

Webby: Hi could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?

Dewey: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Louie: WHY WERE YOU MICROWAVING A LEMON?!

Dewey: I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells and I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges, but I didn’t own any pots…

Huey: Did you burn an orange too? HOW?!

Dewey: Microwave for 40 minutes.

Dewey: I wasn't hurt that badly. The doctor said all my bleeding was internal, that's where the blood's supposed to be!

Dewey, T-posing in the doorway:  Greetings, Huey.

Huey, not looking up from his coffee: Good morning, problem child.

Webby: The Ocean is a soup.

Huey: …

Huey: Do elaborate.

Webby: What are needed for something to be a soup?

Huey: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine. 

Webby: *Tilts head*

Huey: The Ocean is a Soup.

Webby: The Ocean is a Soup.

Huey: What’s up with you?

Louie: What do you mean?

Huey: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

Webby: Go and tell Huey why you insisted on putting a normal-sized carrot in a bag of baby carrots.

Dewey:

Webby: Do it, tell him what you told me earlier.

Dewey, stuttering: I-it's because... th-they need adult supervision...

Huey: …

Dewey: So, I have made the decision to trust you.

Louie: A horrible decision, really.

Webby: What's that?

Dewey: Chocolate.

Webby: What's chocolate?

Dewey: Candy. Were you not allowed candy?

Webby: Yeah. Grapes, nuts, strawberries, blueberries, raspberries.

Dewey: No wonder you're so morbid.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: I baked you a pie!

Mark Breaks: Really?! What flavor?

Webby: *pulls gun out of the pie* DEATH!

Dewey: Now, if I may speak for good-looking people everywhere...

Louie: Only as their rodeo clown.

Louie: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Webby: They do.

Huey: ...Why did you say that with such certainty?

Louie: *Locks Dewey in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Dewey: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?

*Louie is comforting Huey*

Louie: Stop crying because it’s over. Start smiling because Dewey is someone else’s problem now.

Huey: Say no to drugs.

Louie: Say yes to drugs.

Webby: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs. If you're talking to drugs… then you're already on drugs.

Huey: Is five a lot of followers?

Louie: Depends on the context.

Louie: On Instagram? No, not a lot of followers.

Louie: In a dark alley? Yes, a lot of followers.

Huey: New challenge! Don't say stupid shit for 24 hours!

Webby: What, I can’t be in a bad mood? It’s like people think, “Oh, Webby is such a nice person, Webby is so happy-go-lucky! Webby can’t be in a bad mood!” Well, you know what? Webby CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Webby IS be in a bad mood.

Lena: It's not our fault!

Webby: Yeah, but... Come on, the least we can do it talk to them.

Lena: No, the least we could do is nothing!

During a family movie night:

Dewey: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?

Donald: IT.

Huey: Annabelle.

Louie: Paranormal Activity.

Della: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.

Before Donald met Daisy:

Donald: I met this person on tinder and asked for their last name. They sent it to me and went “Doing a little background check? You might find out I’m a murderer, just ignore that” with a kissy wink emoji. I was like “Alright good sense of humor”.

Donald: I looked them up, they were a murderer.

Dewey: If you water water, it grows.

Lena: ...What.

Webby: He’s got a point.

Huey: Be kind. Everyone is fighting their own battles.

Webby: Why would I be kind? I will be brutal and relentless and ride into battle by their side!

Chapter Text

Launchpad: Yum, thanks!

Kidnapper: *puts more tape over his mouth* I said stop eating it.

Webby when she first met the Triplets:

Dewey: I believe in you, Webby!

Webby, in her head: I must have insulted them somehow! The nicest thing Dewey can think to say to me is that he doesn’t doubt my existence. I have to make it up to them!

Huey, after getting a stress nosebleed: Welp. Time to wash the blood off my hands.

Dewey, over radio: Testing. Testing. Huey, can you hear me?

Huey, standing next to Dewey: I’m standing right here.

Dewey: You’re coming through good and loud.

Huey: Because I’m standing right here.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?

Louie: I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

Dewey: When I get Doordash I order 20 Cheeseburgers at a time and heat them up throughout the week so that I don’t have to pay the delivery fee multiple times.

Huey: I hope you understand how food poisoning works.

Dewey: I hope food poisoning understands how I work. I never met a burger i couldn’t eat.

Dewey: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*

Louie: *standing on the roof* Bless you.

Dewey: God?!

Random homophobic girl who Louie rejected because he’s Gay: You’re a horrible person!

Louie: Maybe. But I’m rich and I’m pretty, so it doesn’t really matter.

Lena: I can’t tell if you’re a genius or just incredibly arrogant.

Louie: Well, on a good day, I’m both.

Louie: What is wrong with you?

Lena: Loaded question. Elaborate.

Huey, done with everyone's bullshit: When I die I want Dewey to lower me into my grave so he can let me down one last time.

Dewey: So according to the cease-and-desist order I got, apparently you can’t ‘legally’ be a lawyer if your license is ‘cut out of a cereal box’.

Lena: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way?

Dewey: Wait, what’s the difference?

Lena: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.

Dewey: I have a plan.

Louie: I have the hospital and Huey on speed dial.

Louie: I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Louie: sSSSHIT- I BURNT MY LIP-

Huey: ...Why the fuck would you even drink coffee with a METAL STRAW in the FIRST PLACE??

Louie: BECAUSE WE WERE OUT OF THE PLASTIC ONES!

Louie: Guess what I'm about to get!

Huey: On my nerves.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: I'm gonna need a person’s skull but you can't ask why.

Webby: Only if you also don't ask why.

Webby: *pulls four pristine person skulls out of her bag*

Dewey: ...

Dewey, grabbing a skull: This one will do.

Dewey: I'm not that stupid!

Huey: Dewey, you literally ate the wax from a babybel.

Dewey: LOUIE TOLD ME IT WAS EDIBLE!

Huey: Do you want some tea?

Dewey: What are the options?

Huey: Yes or no.

Huey: GET BACK HERE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Louie: LET ME RUN FROM THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: How long do you think it’ll be until Webby finally snaps and commits murder?

Louie, know she already has and is her acomplice I’ve been going through life assuming it’s already happened at some point and it’s just that no one was ever able to trace it back to her.

Dewey: Are you reading fan fiction?

Webby, reading an article about extremely rare diseases: Wh- No.

Dewey: Oh, is it on AO3?

Webby: This is CNN.

Dewey: Advice of the day kids, if you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color then they are a certified nerd.

Huey: Yeah but you have to specify, frost glacier or cool blue? You can’t just say blue because there’s more than one blue.

Dewey: Blue and light blue, nice try nerd.

Donald: I just had a long talk with Huey, Dewey, Louie about hitting and now they are yelling “it’s my turn to perpetuate the cycle of violence” before hitting each other.

Webby: I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.

Huey: I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Dewey, bleeding out on the ground: Blood loss? No, I know exactly where it is.

Webby: *eating a cinnamon roll*

Lena: Cannibalism.

Webby: *confused chewing noises*

Launchpad: Dearly Beloved, we are here today to remember Dewey, taken from us in the prime of life; when he was crushed by a runaway semi, driven by the Incredible Hulk.

Dewey: Aww, you knew my favorite cause of death.

Dewey: *nudges Huey at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Huey? Wake up, Huey! Listen! They're sexless!

Huey: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Dewey: I will beat all of you in Rock, Paper, Scissors. You go first.

Louie: Rock.

Dewey: Paper.

Launchpad: I have a philosophy in life; if the seat is open, the job is open. That’s how I came to briefly drive a Formula 1 car.

Scrooge: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Huey: I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

Huey: What the fuck is wrong with you??

Louie: What? No good morning?

Huey: Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

Kidnapper with a gun to Louie's head: What happens if I pull this trigger? Heaven?

Louie: Bold of you to assume I'll go to Heaven.

A bit after they met Lena:

Huey: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat!

Lena: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Webby, go find out if that thing can catch fire!

Huey: You're a bad influence.

Lena: And you don't know your sayings.

Dewey: I’ve never smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there was no pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.

Webby: Why would anyone want to harm Dewey?

Louie: Maybe because they met him?

Lena: Dewey always accuses me of having a favourite but that’s not true.

Lena: I love Webby and all the not-Webbys equally.

Louie: You know, Dewey, you are the sun in my life.

Dewey: Why? Cause I'm smoking hot?

Louie: Because it hurts my eyes looking at you.

Dewey: Three of the four elements are represented as types of hockey. Air hockey, ice hockey, and field hockey. Fire hockey needs to be a thing.

Huey: Fire hockey absolutely does NOT need to be a thing.

Louie: Do you care NOTHING for the balance of the four elements?!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: The fastest way to a rich asshole’s heart is through ch-

Webby: Chest cavity.

Louie: …

Louie: Cheese.

Huey: I have a bad feeling about this.

Louie: Oh don’t worry, you’ll be fine.

Dewey: Yeah, what’s the worst that could happen?

Huey, being bailed out of jail the next morning: I hate you all.

Huey: You have to apologize to Dewey!

Louie: Fine!

Louie: Unfuck you, or whatever!

Webby: Oh shoot!

Webby: Excuse my vulgarity.

Louie, deadpan: I’ll let it slide.

Cop: What are your names?

Louie: Don't tell them, Dewey.

Cop, writing: Dewey...

Louie: Crap.

Dewey: Nice going, Louie.

Cop: …

Dewey: Uh oh.

 When they’re in college:

Lena: What are you drinking?

Louie: Vodka.

Lena: Straight?

Louie: No, gay. Why?

Louie: Huey is restricted to decaf for the rest of this adventure.

Huey, in Duke Of Making A Mess mode: GIVE ME MY FUCKING COFFEE!!! *Unintelligible screeching*

In my Promises Kept AU, while Huey is at a Junior Woodchuck meeting:

Dewey, Entering Louie's room: Webby did it again.

Louie: Peace disturbance?

Dewey: What no-

Louie: Arson..?

Dewey: NO, JESUS CHRIST, HOW MANY-

Louie: uh....Attempted murder?

Dewey: NO, SHE ATE ALL THE FOOD IN THE FRIDGE, BUT WHAT THE FU-

Huey: Louie, we need that!

Louie, holding Dewey over a trash can: Nope.

Huey: Gimme it—

Louie: It’s garbage.

Huey: Why are you always trying to aggravate me?

Louie: To relax.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: I’d kill someone if you asked me to.

Louie: I’m pretty sure you’d kill someone even if I didn’t ask you to.

Chapter Text

Dewey: I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood.

Dewey: I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040, and the 0 key doesn't work that well, so I punched it in wrong. And the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404".

Dewey: And I actually laughed out loud.

Random ‘Activist’(I have nothing against activists, only the fake ones who have no fucking clue what their talking about) : We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks.

Dewey: How can vegetarians possibly love the environment? you keep eating all the fucking plants.

Webby: Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them.

Webby: On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.

Webby: I just found out that people are capable of fitting a light bulb into their mouth with ease but can’t take it out without shattering it, and now I have to physically restrain myself from putting a light bulb in my mouth

Huey: Why are you like this??

Louie: I used too much "No More Tears" shampoo as a kid and I haven't felt a single emotion since.

 Louie trying to get Huey to do something for him:

Louie: Here you go, Huey, a nice hot cup of coffee!

Huey: It's cold.

Louie: A nice cup of coffee.

Huey: It's horrible!

Louie: Cup of coffee.

Huey: I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.

Louie: C U P.

Huey: That's a nice argument, Louie Why don't you back it up with a source?

Louie: My source is that I made it the fuck up!

Dewey: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?

Webby: Yes?

Dewey: We’re in too deep.

Webby: Whose turn is it to give the pep-talk?

Huey: *sighing* Louie.

Louie: Fuck shit up out there, but don’t die.

Dewey: *wiping away a tear* So inspirational.

Dewey: They called me the B-word.

Huey: Motherfucker doesn’t start with ‘b’.

Louie: What’s the status up here?

Dewey: Fucked up, about to die, Huey’s a nerd. The usual.

On an adventure where Webby got turned into a child:

Dewey: Come on, you need to go to bed.

Webby: Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die!

Dewey: …

Dewey: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles—

Dewey, explaining why he is not allowed to cook: I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana and I almost burnt the whole house down.

Huey, on the verge of a mental breakdown: WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET THE FUCKING MARIJUANA!? YOUR UNDERAGE!!!

Dewey: Do you even, cuddle, bro? Do you even lift, bro… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!

Louie: We wouldn’t last two minutes without Huey.

Louie: …

Louie: Don’t tell him I said that.

Dewey: I really like Eminem.

Webby: I prefer skittles.

Lena: He’s talking about the rapper.

Webby: Why would he eat the wrapper?

Webby: We need a distraction.

Lena: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Dewey, whispering: My time has come.

Huey: I have the sharpest memory here - name one time I forgot something!

Dewey: You left me, Webby, and Louie in a Walmart parking lot at 2am a day ago.

Huey: I did that on purpose, try again.

Webby: I desire moisture.

Louie: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

Webby: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!

Dewey: Bet you I can!

Huey: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*

Louie: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly, I’m falling asleep already. “Cowards” on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Dewey without him noticing?

Louie: Hey, Dewey, I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny.

Dewey: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.

Webby: ...

Darkwing Duck: I have been tricked, I have been backstabbed, and I have quite possibly been bamboozled.

Dewey: Webby just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then she reached down and untied my shoe.

Louie: What is the big deal about borrowing money? I do it all the time! Sometimes, I even pay it back!

After one of Lena’s spells goes horribly wrong and messes with Webby’s head:

*after the plan goes horribly wrong*

Huey: Now it seems we're back at square one-- finding Webby.

Dewey: For the record, I already found her.

Lena: And you let her get away before we could have a meaningful conversation.

Dewey: She stabbed me!

Louie: I'm surprised she waited this long, Dewey. We've all had the urge.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby, who has been up for the past 2 weeks hunting a drug lord: I'm bored, any suggestions?

Louie: Sleeping is nice.

Webby: I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

Louie, at Starbucks: Can I get a venti vanilla latte with um, seven espresso shots.

Lena, in line behind him: Jesus Christ, just do cocaine.

Lena: Is he stupid?

Louie: Yes, but he prefers to be called Dewey.

Lena: I love making parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here. But…”

Lena: Then I nod in the general direction of everyone else.

Huey: Ok, first of all, what the fuck?

Louie: *slowly pushes a cannon into a 17th century bank* Okay everyone, be cool. This is a robbery.

Louie: Don’t mansplain this to me!

Webby: Wh- I’m a woman! I can't mansplain anything to you!

Louie: …Well, I’m a feminist, and I believe a woman can do anything a man does!

Huey: *points at Lena* A human turtleneck, *points at Louie* a narcissistic monster, *points at Dewey* and literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met.

Dewey: And who am I? Describe me now.

Webby: We’re going to defeat you with the power of friendship.

Steel Beak: We’re not friends.

Webby, holding an axe: We’re going to defeat you with the power of incredible violence.

Dewey: The gods have let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

When they’re in collage:

Dewey: So, according to my university, it is, quote, “my responsibility if there is an internet outage to contact the faculty and the department.”

Dewey: Now, if you’re a critical thinker like me, you might be wondering one thing.

Dewey: HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EMAIL THE DEPARTMENT?!?!?!

Huey: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely.

Dewey, Louie, & Webby: Okay.

Huey: If you don't want to die, give me all your money.

Dewey: Bold of you to assume I have money.

Louie: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die.

Webby: Bold of you to assume I can die.

Dewey: Am I right, Louie?

Louie: I’m almost certain you’re not, but to be fair, I wasn’t listening.

Huey: I'm not doing to well.

Louie: What's wrong?

Huey: I have this headache that comes and goes.

*Dewey enters the room*

Huey: There it is again.

During a sleepover where Dewey got dared the spar with Webby:

Dewey: Any advice before Webby and I fight?

Louie: Don’t wet yourself in public.

Dewey: Not the kind of advice I was looking for!

Della: What do you want for breakfast?

Webby: I WISH TO DEVOUR THE UNBORN.

Della: …

Huey, who regularly deals with Louie and Dewey speaking in tongues when they fight: She wants eggs.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: Louie, is that legal?

Louie: When there's no cops around, anything's legal!

Dewey: Huey, are you okay?!

Huey: I told you to stop asking stupid questions!

Huey: If this plan goes down the drain, where should we regroup?

Louie: The afterlife, I guess.

Huey: I haven't slept in seventy-three hours.

Louie: Eighty. Democratically elected leader of insomnia.

Webby: It's been ninety for me. I'm going for an even one hundred.

Dewey: You guys are fucking terrifying.

Dewey: Do you ever feel bugs on you when really there’s nothing there?

Louie: Those are the ghosts of the bugs you killed before.

Dewey:

Dewey: *sobs*

Huey: You fucking scared him, you idiot.

Huey: What's the signal when something goes wrong?

Louie: We yell, 'oh shit.'

Dewey: ...That'll work.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?

Webby: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.

Louie: Okay yeah thanks Webby, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?

Webby, who is bleeding out from chunk of shrapnel in her stomach on an adventure: I think Hue- *Passes out*

Louie: OH FUCK-!

Chapter Text

Huey: I don’t even have time to tell you how wrong you are.

Louie: Okay?

Huey: …

Huey: …

Huey: Actually it’s gonna bug me if I don’t, so—

Dewey, holding a toy lightsaber: I’m Darth Vader!

Huey: I’m done with everyone’s bullshit!

Louie: Dewey, you’ve tried 37 times and you’ve failed every time. Give it a break.

Dewey: DO I HEAR “FIRST TRY PART 38?”

Huey: Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it means you’re awake in someone else’s dreams.

Huey: When I find out who you are, I’m going to punch you in the face.

Louie: And I’d love to be sorry for that, but we all know I’ve done much, much worse.

Webby, on the phone: I better go…okay, call me later… byeeee!

Lena: Friend of Yours?

Webby: Nope, wrong number.

Lena: ???

Huey: I drink to forget but I always remember.

Dewey: You're drinking orange juice.

Huey: Swear words are illegal now. If you say one you'll be fined.

Dewey: Heck.

Huey: You're on thin fucking ice.

Dewey: …

Huey: Oh no-

Webby: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby?

Webby: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us.

Webby: I also want to softhack his circuits.

Dewey: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.

Webby: Words ending in 'ie' just sound so adorable. Like cutie, sweetie, cookie-

Dewey: Eyy, homie!

Huey: But then there's cootie...

Louie: Die.

Huey: Hey, do you know the password to Louie’s computer?

Dewey: Fuck you, Huey.

Huey: Hey!!

Dewey: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouHuey".

Huey: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

Louie: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

Louie: Thank you for not saying "I told you so."

Huey: When you’re as right as I am, you don’t have to say it.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: *holds a gun out to Huey*

Huey: I-I don't believe in guns.

Webby: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

Dewey: I’m a multitasker!

Dewey: I can disappoint fifteen people at once.

Dewey: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*

Huey: Dewey, what did you think a tiger shark was?

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey: Where did you get that tomato soup?

Webby: It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Dewey: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products!

Dewey: *sprays hairspray in their mouth*

Dewey: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good.

Louie: Play to your strengths.

Dewey: I haven’t got any!

Huey: Anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins?

Louie: Can't relate.

Dewey: Why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins?

Dewey: What if I lied this whole time and I'm actually 18?

Huey: Dewey, stop trying to get drugs.

Dewey, desperately wants to know if cocaine tastes like Coca-Cola: Don't suppress my interests.

Louie: Team A will consist of me, B.O.Y.D, Violet, Lena, Huey, and Dewey.

Louie: Team B will consist of Webby.

Huey: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

Dewey: Take them!

Webby: Punch them in the neck!

Louie: Say thank you!

Lena: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Huey: …

Huey: No.

Della: I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and I feel like that’s more accurate.

Huey: What the hell is wrong with you?

Dewey: I have this weird self-esteem issue where I hate myself but still think I’m better than everyone else.

Louie: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!

Webby: Get in the Halloween spirit and make a ghost!

Louie: That’s called murder and I heard somewhere that it was illegal.

Dewey: *falls down the stairs*

Webby: Are you okay?

Huey: Stop falling down the stairs!

Louie: How’d the ground taste?

Della: I am a responsible adult!

Donald: *raises brow*

Della: I am an adult.

Huey: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday.

Dewey: Wednesay.

Huey: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible.

Webby: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.

Louie: I would do anything for money.

*later*

Louie, covered in blood: THE STATEMENT STILL STANDS!

Huey, dashing into the room after not sleeping for 4 days: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!

Louie: …What does that even mean?!

Dewey: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog".

Huey: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?

When they’re in high school:

Huey: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :)

Dewey: I forgot I was doing a test.

Huey: Dewey.

Dewey: I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny....

Webby: Dewey.

Dewey, texting Huey: *sends a voice message*

Huey, texting back: I’m a little busy, is it urgent?

Dewey: No, don’t worry, just listen later.

*later*

Huey: *presses play*

Dewey's voice message: THERE’S A FIRE-

Dewey: Money... Is like president trading cards.

Dewey: My head hurts.

Louie: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Dewey, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? Hahahaha.

Huey: Do you think other people can’t hear you?

Dewey to Huey: Me? I'm the bee knees, but, you? You're just...

Webby: Cockroach ankles!

Dewey: Ye- uh, what?

Lena: My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens."

Huey: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”

Dewey: Lol. Heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you’ll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this.

Louie: What did you do Dewey?

Dewey: a Mistake.

Dewey, dramatically: They called me a fool.

Huey, sick of Dewey's shit: They weren’t wrong.

Webby, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child.

Huey, entering the room with a small cut on his ankle: Who the f-

Dewey: Where have you been all day?

Huey: Oh, just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

Webby: Remember, if you die in the simulation—

Dewey: Yeah, yeah, I know, if you die in the simulation you die in real life.

Webby: What? No! You need to reset the simulation with the terminal! What is WRONG with you?!

Webby: How would you rate your pain?

Dewey: 0/10. Would not recommend.

Louie: We need a plan to beat them.

Webby: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.

Louie:

Webby: Judge me all you want, I get results.

Dewey: I've connected the two dots.

Louie: You didn't connect shit.

Dewey: I've connected them.

Webby: It’s nice to be wanted, you know?

Huey: Not by the law!

Dewey: Hey, you want a tarot reading?

Louie: Those are Pokemon cards.

Dewey: You got a magikarp.

Louie: ...

Dewey: It means 'fuck you'.

Donald: I only have two emotions: exhaustion and stress. And I’m somehow always feeling both simultaneously.

Louie: *looks over Dewey’s shoulder at his laptop* What the fuck?

Dewey: *slams screen shut* It’s just research! For something I’m writing about! I swear that’s it!

Louie: Why the hell would that involve the breeding habits of frogs?

Dewey: It’s not just “frogs”, it’s the Surinam Toad. And it’s not “breeding habits”, it’s how they raise their young. This is important information my audience needs to know!

Louie: That doesn’t change the fact this is for one line in a fanfiction.

Dewey, offendedly: You don’t know that!

Louie: I hear no denial.

Dewey: Not to brag, but I can go into the Spirit Halloween without crying.

Dewey: Hey I just got a pet snake. What should I name him?

Huey: A pet WHAT?!

Webby: William Snakespeare.

Chapter Text

Huey: We've got to find a way to cut down our expenses. What can we live without?

Louie: Dewey, probably.

Dewey: Hello, McDonald's, I would like to purchase 130 chicken nuggets. Prepare yourselves.

Louie: Dewey, why are you crying?

Dewey: This book is so sad!!

Louie, picking it up: But this is my diary-

Huey: Do you have a bobby pin?

Louie: Yeah. *searches in his hair*

Louie: Oh, no, wait. I’m not a nine-year-old girl.

Huey: Y’know, maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.

Dewey: Hey, Huey.

Huey: GODDAMNIT!

Louie, watching Huey & Dewey panic: What's going on?

Webby: Huey is having a midlife crisis and Dewey is just having a crisis.

Louie: Huey is only 12?

Huey, screaming: I’M PROBABLY ALREADY HALFWAY TO DEATH BECAUSE OF OUR FUCKED-UP FAMILY!

Louie: Ohh.

Louie: What about Dewey?

Dewey, also screaming: DOES COCAINE TASTE LIKE COCA-COLA!?

Louie: …

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: Ayo, what the FUCK is this?!?

Webby, sitting down, surrounded by corpses: I won Mafia, that’s what.

Webby: ATTENTION: I HAVE BREACHED CONTAINMENT.

Webby: DO NOT PANIC, I AM SIMPLY GETTING A SNACK.

Dewey: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want!

Dewey 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!

Dewey: Is the pink panther a lion?

Huey: Say that again but slower.

Dewey: I don’t get it.

Huey: He’s a PANTHER.

Dewey: Is that a type of lion?

Huey: No, it’s a fucking panther.

Dewey: *googles panther* They aren’t pink?

Huey: AND LIONS ARE?!

Huey, to Louie: Why is Dewey not talking?

Louie: I'm playing the silent game with him.

Huey: Well, then you just lost.

Louie: I lost two hours ago. I gave him ear plugs and told him to close his eyes. It was the only way I could think of to get him to shut up.

Dewey: *Reading a letter*

Huey: Well, what does it say?

Dewey: It’s a confession letter. It turns out Uncle Donald killed my pet rock.

Louie & Dewey: *Playing video games*

Huey: You guys woke up at 5:30 in the morning just to play games?

Louie: *silence*

Dewey: *silence*

Huey, finally figuring it out: ...You two never went to sleep, did you?

Louie & Dewey in shame: Yeah...

Dewey: I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly.

Huey: Why not?

Dewey: Because I don't know what they mean.

In my Promises Kept AU:

*At the police station*

Huey: Hi, I’m here for Louie and Webby.

Police officer: Who are Louie and Webby?

Huey: Ah, you must be new.

Webby: Just trust your gut!

Huey: Webs, I have anxiety. My gut is literally always telling me to abort mission.

Dewey: It’s impossible to make a sentence without using the letter A.

Huey: Despite your thinking, it is quite possible, yet difficult, to form one without the specific letter. Here’s one more to further disprove your theory.

Louie: Fuck you.

Dewey: When I was a kid, Louie told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year.

Huey: They are!

Dewey: FOR REAL?

Huey: No! Why did you fall for it again?

Louie: We’re going to have to split up, like in Scooby Doo.

Louie, to Webby and Dewey: You guys are Scooby and Shaggy. You can search the bathrooms.

Louie, to Huey: Velma, you get the spooky looking fridge in the basement.

Huey: What? Why am I Velma? And why do I get the… dubious looking device?

Louie: Because only Velma would say “dubious device”. Huey gets the spooky fridge in the basement.

Lena: And what does that make you, Fred?

Louie: Bitch, I’m Daphne.

Dewey: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this?

Louie: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey: Seriously, Webby, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?

Webby: That’s not important

Huey: I DISAGREE.

Huey: So Dewey, how did your first time cooking dinner go?

Dewey: Pretty good if I do say so myself.

Huey: Oo! Okay, what are we having?

Dewey: Alright, so for appetizers, we have a potato.

Huey: A whole potato?

Dewey: Yes. And then for the main course, we have grilled cheese sandwiches!

Huey: These just look like big slabs of black.

Dewey: Because that's what they are!

Dewey: And then for desert, we have chocolate.

Huey: These are just chocolate chips?

Dewey: They sure are!

Dewey: And then for drinks, we have toast!

Huey: Toast?

Dewey: *lifts up a glass of blended toast* Bon appetite!

Louie: Like, no offense to myself and all, but what the fuck am I actually doing?

Louie: I won a new phone in a race.

Dewey: Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone, Louie?

Louie: A race between the store owner, the cop, and me.

Huey, as a child, reading his school assignment out loud: I love my library because...

Huey, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: What time is it?

Webby: I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out

Webby: *BLASTS the saxophone*

Huey: WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING

Webby: It’s 2 am

Huey: Here are two pictures. one of them is your room, and the other is the garbage dump.

Dewey: *points at a picture* That one is the dump.

Huey: THEY'RE BOTH YOUR ROOM!

Donald: Guys… the principal just called—

Louie: It was Webby!

Webby: It was Dewey!

Dewey: It was Huey!

Huey: It was me!

Huey: But that’s censorship.

Louie: Well done. You are correct. You’re being censored. Now go.

Webby: I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Huey.

Webby: Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for.

Webby: But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it.

Huey: Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either.

Webby: I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though.

Huey: Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it.

Webby: Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

Dewey: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that’s fucked up. Like c'mon, you know I’m dumb as hell!

Webby: Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings.

Dewey: Comparing Webby and Louie is like comparing apples and oranges.

Webby: We’re both unique in our own ways?

Dewey: Apples are superior in every way and all oranges should be eliminated.

Louie: Which one of us is the orange?

Dewey: We always used to do the Wordle rather than take notes in class.

Dewey: To stop us the teacher would always threaten to tell us the answer if we didn’t pay attention.

Louie: Mom, I got suspended from school…

Della: WHAT?!?! What did you do?

Louie: My teacher pointed at me with a ruler, and he said “there is an idiot at the end of this ruler”.

Della: And…?

Louie: I asked which end.

Della, unable to contain her laughter: Okay, you just made my day.

Dewey: And what do I get out of this?

Huey: I will give you a dollar.

Dewey: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar!

Huey: How about two dollars?

Dewey: You got yourself a deal.

When the Triplets where 6 years old:

Louie: Some people are like slinkies.

Huey: What?

Louie: Not really good for much but bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.

Huey:

Huey: Please don't push Dewey down the stairs.

Louie, pushing Dewey down the stairs: Too late.

Dewey: Gatekeep, girlboss, and what's the other one again?

Louie: There isn't another one. You're crazy.

When Webby tried being a Junior Woodchuck:

Webby: I am Webby, I speak for the trees. Chop them down and I snap your knees.

*While they’re on a hike*

Dewey: It’s beautiful out here.

Louie: And quiet.

Huey: Too quiet.

Louie: Did we lose someone?

*cut to Webby with a bear in a headlock*

Dewey: I would say I outdid myself, but I’m always this good, so I simply did myself.

Dewey, to Louie: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?

Dewey: WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!

Huey: Dewey-

Huey: It- it was just an ant-

Chapter Text

Dewey: *Takes a sip of milk and gags*

Dewey: Oh my god, is this expired?

Dewey: *Takes another sip of milk*

Huey: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.

Dewey: All I drank was Redbull!

Huey: How many?

Dewey: Eighteen.

Huey: I'm so tired of this life. I want to be a roomba. I want knives taped to me. And I want to be set loose.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: If I die, you can have what little I own.

Huey: Wait. What do you mean "if" you die?

Webby: My unending existence is fueled by pure spite, that of which the painful experiences of life have rendered me full.

Webby: Also, Duck family immortality.

Huey: …

Huey: *Sighs* Let me call your therapist again.

Huey: So... what’s goin’ on?

Louie: You want the long version or the short version?

Huey, hesitantly: The short one, I guess?

Louie: Shit’s fucked.

Huey: Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

Dewey: Good news! I didn’t screw up!

Louie: ...

Dewey: I screwed up less badly than usual!

Louie: ...

Dewey: Screwed up with less immediate consequences than usual.

Dewey, texting Louie: Louie there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?

Dewey: Pls hurry because I’m going to cry

Dewey: Louie

Dewey: Louie

Louie: Louie is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

The week Dewey got his first phone:

Donald: Don’t trust everything you see on the internet.

Dewey: Pfft. What possibly nonsense could come from the internet? Oh. Did you know that the Earth is actually flat?

Donald: *Takes away Dewey’s phone* Yeah, that enough for you.

Webby: Today, Dewey said a swear word, so Huey said that he was going to wash Dewey's mouth out with soap. Dewey replied, “It’s okay, I like the taste of soap”. Turns out, he’s been putting soap on his lips to blow bubbles.

Webby: As you know I keep a list of all my friends in order of how likely they are to betray me.

Louie: Where am I on the list?

Webby: Well I can’t tell you that because then you’ll quickly move up or down depending on your reaction.

Louie: Dewey learned how to fold origami penguins from Webby the other day. I told him, “I feel a little bad for the penguins, it’s hot here”, and the next day he put them in the fridge.

Launchpad: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

Donald: That naptime was a punishment.

Louie: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?

Huey: Your life?

Louie: I- well yes, but-

Louie: I don’t know how you have your foot in your mouth, your head up your ass, and your nose in my business. But here we are, you fucking wizard.

Dewey: Might I make a suggestion you possibly won’t like?

Louie: Do you make any other kind?

Dewey: School sucks.

Donald: I know, but you have to do it so you can get a job.

Dewey: What are jobs like?

Donald: They suck.

Dewey: *sneaking in through his window*

Huey: *turning in his chair and flicking the light on* You want to tell me where you've been all night?

Dewey: I was with Webby?

Webby: *turning in her chair* Wanna try again?

Dewey: Ah shit, I forgot.

Louie: Forgot what?

Dewey: How do you expect me to answer that?

Louie: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

Dewey: You’re giving me a sticker?

Louie: Not just a sticker. That is a sticker of a kitty saying “me-wow!”

Dewey: I’m not a preschooler.

Louie: Fine, I’ll take it back-

Dewey: I earned this, back off!

Louie: Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

Dewey: All the time.

Louie: Then you should be used to it by now.

Huey: Dewey, no.

Dewey: Dewey, yes.

Louie: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!

Webby: It's kind of complicated, but Dewey-

Louie: Got it. Forget I asked.

Huey: Louie, keep an eye on Dewey today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Louie: Sure, I'd love to see Dewey getting punched.

Webby: Try again.

Louie, sighing: I will try to stop Dewey from getting punched.

Dewey: I’ve never met a problem that can’t be solved by spontaneous musical numbers.

Dewey: Can you pass the salt?

Louie: Can you pass away?

Dewey: Too much salt.

Dewey: Louie! Huey got that thing on the control panel working!

Louie: Wow! That looks pretty impressive.

Dewey: Yeah!

Louie: Any idea what it does?

Dewey: Not a clue.

Dewey: You look really stressed.

Huey: Haha, it’s the stress.

Dewey: Bitches be like “he’s my right-hand man” JUST SAY HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND. SAY IT.

Louie: Dewey, have you considered that maybe right-hand man sounds cooler and has more homoerotic subtext?

Dewey: Dewey has reconsidered. You’re right.

Huey: Finally, an example of productive discourse and growth.

Dewey: *watching the house-boat burn down*

Dewey:

Dewey: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable!

Dewey: Step one: deny everything.

Dewey: I know one person who finds me funny!

Huey: Okay, who?... and you can't say yourself!

Dewey: Okay then I'm out.

Louie: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything?

Lena: I had a lizard that I accidentally burnt.

Huey: *finds half a watermelon at Whole Foods*

Huey, holding it up for everyone to see: LIES!

Dewey: I am strong! I beat Huey at arm wrestling!

Louie: Anyone can beat Huey at arm wrestling!

Huey: Hey-

Huey: Hey, Louie?

Louie, playing a video game with Dewey and Webby: What?

Huey: Can I share something with you from earlier today?

Louie: Wh- what is it, Huey?

Huey: Well, I sent you a text early in the morning.

Louie: Mhm.

Huey: Because I have to go out of town for a weekend this month for Junior Woodchuck stuff. And I was like, do you have any preference whether I go this weekend or the next weekend?

Louie: Yeah?

Huey: Your response.

Louie: *trying not to crack up*

Huey: At 9:30 in the morning.

Huey: "motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg jesus Christ motherfucking Facebook movie jesus can you believe this shit"

Louie: *laughing*

Huey: No- no- no punctuation. Random capitalization.

Louie: You just made me dieeee...

Huey: So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now."

Huey: 45 minutes pass. I get a text from you.

Huey: "goddamn created Facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking winklevoss twins goddamn rowing the boat fuck yo shit i cant even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck I just watched this shit fuck Jesse eisenberg man"

Louie: *wheezing with laughter*

Huey: I respond "Louie, you're scaring me." An hour passes-

Huey: You respond, "motherfucking spiderman Spiderman you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking built shit with his bare hands fucking best friend shit jesse eisenberg"

Huey: "im very tired"

Louie: *struggling to breathe*

Huey: And- and I'm just like, "No- no worries, Louie, I'll- I'll do most of the talking at school today-"

Huey: IMMEDIATE, like, response, like I'm talking 5 seconds later,

Huey: "no man ill just talk all day shit man you have to be so interested in the shit I have to say about the Facebook movie fuck dude I just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over Spider-man crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent Resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented Facebook I don't like dying I can't think of who the fuck invented Facebook All I can think is who played the guy who invented Facebook who the fuck invented Facebook"

Huey: And then, in all capital letters, two hours later,

Louie: *falling over with laughter*

Huey: "MARK ZUCKERBERG."

Louie: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.

Louie: That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Dewey: Not my fault. Somebody put a wall in the way.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: Fight me!

Webby, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

Louie: What doesn't kill me better start running, because now Webby’s fucking pissed.

Dewey: Look, Huey, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and its Monday.

Webby: I will be using so much pink you’ll be seeing green by the end from sensory deprivation.

Huey: Ew. What kind of tea is this?

Dewey: I boiled gatorade.

Huey: I hate to disagree with you, but-

Dewey: Please, you love to disagree with me. It’s your favorite thing to do.

Louie: Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle, and explode into bats to get out of all social situations.

Dewey: You can de-escalate literally any situation by asking ‘are we about to kiss?’

Dewey: Doesn't work with getting out of speeding tickets, though.

Chapter Text

Louie: Webby, I am nothing if not a man of principle.

Louie: Now let’s break into this apartment.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: And then they ran into my knife. They ran into my knife ten times.

Huey: You mean you stabbed them?

Webby: They ran into my knife.

Louie: Might I make a suggestion you possibly won’t like?

Huey: Do you make any other kind?

Huey: I honestly feel like some of our conversations here are almost word-for-word accurate to the generator.

Webby: Yup.

Dewey: Maybe the generator is watching us.

Huey: Wouldn't that imply this conversation will be added?

Huey: ...

Huey: Wait—

Dewey: Why are you on fire?

Louie: This is just how my day is going.

Huey: Stop thinking whatever you're thinking.

Dewey: Huh?

Huey: You always make that face when you're about to say something stupid just to piss me off. So cut it out-

Dewey: I love you.

Huey:

Dewey:

Dewey: Also, cereal qualifies as a soup.

Huey: I KNEW IT!!

Louie: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?

Dewey: Are you good?

Louie: In what sense?

Dewey: Generally.

Louie: Oh, definitely not.

Webby: Good morning!

Huey: Is it? Is it really?

Dewey: Why are you drinking, Louie?

Louie: I don’t drink anymore, so don’t start with that.

Dewey, holding an empty water bottle: So why was this under your bed?

Louie: WE NEED WATER TO LIVE!

Dewey: NOT IN MY DAMN HOUSE! DRINK YOUR BLUE GATORADE!

Huey, filling out legal paperwork: Were you guys born AMAB or AFAB?

B.O.Y.D: Bold of you to assume I was born at all.

Webby: I, personally, was created in a lab.

Lena: I just straight up spawned lol.

Dewey: Vegetable oil is made from vegetables, coconut oil is made from coconuts, so BABY OIL-

Huey: CAN'T WE JUST HAVE A NICE FAMILY DINNER FOR ONCE?!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: Fun Fact! The average person will walk by 36 murderers in their lifetime.

Dewey: I like how this is a "fun" fact.

Louie: It's fun because they didn't decide to murder you.

Louie: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT!

Huey: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone.

Louie: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch?

Huey: Somehow that's worse.

Louie: What is everyone for Halloween?

Webby: I’m a biblically accurate angel.

Dewey: A clown.

Louie: So, I’m guessing we don’t need to get you a costume then?

Webby: Okay, if we can't do it by sheer force, we'll do it my way.

Louie: But your way is sheer force!

Louie: What is wrong with you?

Huey: Many, many things...

Huey: And most of them are your fucking fault.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby, destroying a drug cartel: I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

*Dewey is fighting a monster*

Scrooge: Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!

Dewey: The power of believing in myself!?

Scrooge: No, a knife! Stab it!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: I don’t think I can mansplain, manipulate, or malewife our way out of it this time.

Webby: *cracks knuckles* Manslaughter it is!

Huey: I wanna sleep for 40 hours.

Louie: You know that's called a coma, right?

Huey:

Huey: That sounds so refreshing, I could totally go for a light coma right now.

Huey: Coca Cola can remove rust from metal, imagine what it’s doing to your body.

Dewey: Pfff, getting rid of the rust, idiot.

Huey: THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS!

Louie: Hmm... I've been drinking soda and my body's rust free... not sure where you're getting your facts from...

Dewey: So my therapist was talking to me and she said that I really just need to break down my walls and let people in.

Dewey: So I’ve decided to break the fourth wall.

Dewey: *looks at camera* Hi there. I use humor as a coping mechanism.

Dewey: How are you so calm?!

Huey: I’ve passed beyond “stressed”, beyond “hysteria”, into the gray misty indifference of complete shutdown of all but emergency services in my brain.

Louie: It's locked. You got a lock pick?

Huey: Yeah-

Webby: *kicks in the door*

Dewey: You need to be more careful!

Louie, who was dragged into Dewey's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

Dewey: Why don't we have a specific noise that means "there are bees here, let's leave immediately." Why are elephants more advanced than us.

Huey: We do have a specific noise for it. It sounds like this:

Huey: "There are bees here, let's leave immediately."

Dewey, texting Webby: Webby! Help I'm being kidnapped!

Webby: Where are you?

Dewey: I'm with some strange person. In a car. Help.

Webby: I'll call Louie.

Louie, answering his phone: Hello?

Webby: Where's Dewey? He texted me that he was being kidnapped.

Louie: Dewey? What do you mean, He’s right next to me-

Louie: …

Louie: I'll call you back. *Hangs up*

Louie, turning to Dewey: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN'T THAT BAD!

Dewey: WHO ARE YOU!?

Huey: It’s too early in the morning for this.

*sent at 11:57 AM*

Dewey: *slams books down in front of Huey*

Dewey: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night.

Huey: You could of said literally anything else.

Dewey: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble.

Huey: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.

Dewey: Hey Huey, can I get some icecream?

Huey: Only a spoonful!

Dewey: *Proceeds to pull out a comically large spoon.*

Huey: What’s your greatest weakness?

Dewey: Interpreting the semantics of a question, but ignoring the pragmatics.

Huey: Could you give an example?

Dewey: Yes, I could.

Huey: Want to hear a hard riddle?

Louie: Sure.

Huey: A rooster laid an egg on a roof. Which way did it roll?

Louie: ...down?

Huey: N-

Dewey: Who cares about which way it rolled, it would be scrambled eggs by then.

Huey:

Huey: No, it's that roosters don't lay eggs... Geeseus…

Dewey: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.

Dewey: I need my socks.

Dewey: Shh, here comes Webby!

Louie: Quick, Huey, start talking about boring nerd stuff!

Huey: You know, nerd culture is mainstream now, so when you use the word “nerd” derogatorily, it means you’re the one that’s out of the zeitgeist.

Louie: Yes, that’s perfect. Just like that.

Dewey: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Mrs. Beakley, happy to have her granddaughter back: When Webby was born, the gods said, "She’s too perfect for this world."

Louie: Please. When she was born, the devil said, "Oh, competition."

Louie: You are, of course, wondering why it is I have brought you here tonight.

Huey: Actually, Louie, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

On an adventure were Huey got taken:

Webby: So what’s the plan?

Dewey: I don’t know. You’re smart, *points at Louie* he’s mean, come up with something.

Random Homophobe: Go to hell!

Louie: Oh! I’ve been there, thank you. I found it quite lovely.

On an adventure where Webby got turned into a child:

Louie: *shatters a window and climbs through it*

Louie: *turns around and helps Webby through it* Breaking and entering is wrong Mini Webby.

Webby: Okay.

Louie: What? I'm not aggressive!

Dewey: Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?

Louie: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

Della, after finding out that the robot she used to ground Louie malfunctioned and trapped him in one room:

Louie: *accidentally eats something too spicy so his eyes start to water*

Della: Louie, look at me. It's okay. I would die for you. I love you so much. You're one of the best people I know.

Louie: I'm not crying?

Della, hugging Louie's head: Shush baby, it's okay. Mama is here and she loves you with her whole heart.

Louie: I’m doing my best.

Huey: You’re not doing anything.

Louie: Yes, that’s what I’m best at.

Dewey: *pulls back the curtain while Huey is showering*

Dewey:  Hey did we - stop screaming it’s me - did we run out of Cheerios?

Huey: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me.

Dewey: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

Huey: How do you tell someone their breath stinks?

Dewey: Hey, I'm bored, let's drink mouthwash.

Louie: Brush your damn teeth, you dead-breathed fool.

Dewey: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.

Louie: ...what happened?

Dewey: I made a VERY bad mistake.

Chapter Text

Dewey: Do you always have to attack me with your words?

Louie: Would you prefer me to use a brick?

Webby: What would Huey think?

Louie: Ok, that’s an interesting thought, but hear me out: what if… we ran an experiment where we spent the rest of our lives finding out what happened if we never told him?

Louie’s Homophobic Teacher: Aren’t you going to say “have a nice day?”

Louie: I don’t care if you have a pulse, much less a nice day.

Dewey: Do I sound smart, or am I smart?

Huey: You sound unbearable, to be perfectly honest.

Louie: You're pathetic!

Dewey: You're pathetic-er!

Huey: You're both losers.

Store Worker: Would an “Uncle Donald” please come to the front desk?

Donald, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?

Store Worker, pointing to Huey, Dewey, and Louie: I believe they belong to you?

Huey, Dewey and Louie, simultaneously: We got lost.

Donald: I didn’t even bring you here with me—

Huey: Are you having another depressive episode?

Louie: A depressive episode?

Louie: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

Dewey: I hope no one lowkey hates me.

Dewey: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.

Dewey: Go big or go home.

Louie: You know, when I first met you, I thought you were a real bitch.

Lena: What changed your mind?

Louie: Oh, I still think you're a bitch. I've just grown to like that about you.

Dewey: *spins around in chair ominously* I’ve been expecting y- *chair continues to spin* shit *tries to stop spinning* shit *tries to grab a table to stop spinning* sHIT *falls out of chair*

Huey: Why shouldn't you put a toaster in a bathtub full of water?

Dewey: Because your toast would get soggy!

Huey: Dewey? You just drove through a stop sign without stopping.

Dewey: I'll stop twice on the way back.

Dewey: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind.

Dewey: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.

Dewey: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?

Huey: This is Scroogeopoly.

Louie: Sometimes I drink milk straight from the container.

Huey, hasn’t slept in a week: The cow??

Louie: What?

Dewey: Huey, W H Y?

Huey: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

In a Dewey Dew-Night episode (Dewey paid Louie and Lena, and blackmailed Huey):

Louie: You’re too later, Superdorks! You'll never stop me now!

Dewey: That’s where you’re wrong, evildoer! We WILL stop you, with the powers of:

Huey: Friendship!

Lena: Harmony!

Webby: Incredible violence.

Dewey: And love!

*Dewey and Louie playing minecraft*

Dewey: Oh no, oh no, oh no-

Louie: What’s wrong?

Dewey: I did a thing.

Louie: You regret the thing you dID-

Dewey: *screams*

Louie: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it-

Dewey: *screams again*

Louie: There are no friends when playing board games. I am here to win.

Huey, talking to Webby: They're trying to lure me into a false sense of security! Well, joke’s on them! I’ve never been secure in my life! And I’m not about to start now!

Dewey: Ooh, I like your accent, where you from?

One Of Dewey’s Classmates: I am Liberian.

Dewey: Oh, my bad.

Dewey, whispering: I like your accent, where you from?

In college:

Huey: I was voted “friendliest classmate” in high school.

Dewey: I was voted “most likely to become a clown”…

Lena: You think that’s bad? HA! I was voted “most likely to get rabies”!

Huey: Time freezes for everyone but you one day. What do you do?

Dewey: Oh… I’d mildly trouble everyone.

Huey: Alright, so what would you do?

Dewey: I’d shave a one-inch thick line in every thick beard I saw.

Dewey: I’d twist all the lightbulbs just a little bit so no one would know when they aren’t working.

Dewey: I’d make that one of the wings on everyone’s eyeliner is just a little bit higher than the other one.

Dewey: And I’d tie everyone’s shoelaces together.

Dewey: And then lastly, I’d snip a little hole in every tea bag.

Huey:

Huey: Remind me to never allow you to have power.

Dewey: ‘Technically legal’, the two best words in the English language, right before ‘cowboy spectacular.'

Huey: Can you come out?

Dewey: Yeah gimme a minute…

Dewey: Huey, I’m aroace.

Huey: I know that. Come out to the car.

Dewey: Okay.

Dewey: Car, I’m aroace.

Dewey, to Huey, Louie, and Webby (The Insomniac Club) after waking up for a glass of water and finding them having a No-Sleep-Over at 3AM: WHEN DO YOU PEOPLE SLEEP?!

Huey: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.’

Louie & Webby: *Nodding in agreement*

Huey: We'll talk about this later.

Dewey: Fine, I won’t be listening.

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Dewey: I choose to waive that right!

Dewey: *screaming*

*Dewey falls over*

Huey: Dewey! Are you alright?

Dewey: Is that you, God?

Huey: What?

Dewey: It's just, you sound a lot more like Huey than I expected.

In my Promises Kept A, after Louie gets kidnapped by Doofus Drake:

Dewey: Where are you going?

Webby: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Goldie: You have an impressive pain tolerance.

Webby: Thanks, it's the trauma.

Dewey: I just got the best idea I've ever had in my entire life!

*Later*

Huey, to Dewey: That was the worst idea you’ve ever had in your entire life.

Scrooge: You three, explain right now!

Dewey: It was Louie.

Huey: It was Louie.

Webby: It was Louie.

Louie:

Louie: …fuck.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: Hey Webby, I’ve got an idea for how to solve this.

Webby, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?

Louie: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, Webby!

Donald: What’s your favorite high school memory?

Della: LEAVING. FUCKING LEAVING!

Webby: I will send my army to attack!

Webby: *releases a dumpster of raccoons*

Huey, about to leave the house: Don’t spend all day watching YouTube, okay?

Dewey: I FORGE MY OWN PATH!!

Louie: Isn’t it a bit dangerous?

Dewey: Louie, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.

Louie: ...

Dewey: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.

Louie: ...

Dewey: Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves on the way home.

In my Promises Kept AU, Webby helping Louie hide a body:

Webby, to Louie: Remember, when burying a body, make sure to cover it with endangered plants so it’s illegal to dig up!

Webby: Make sure to listen to me for more gardening tips!

Louie: I’m not lazy, I just find it hard to put effort into things I’m not passionate about.

Huey: What are you passionate about?

Louie: Sleeping.

Dewey: Why should I make my bed, when I'm just gonna unmake it to sleep in it anyways?

Donald, done with everything: Why should I feed you if your just gonna die anyways?

Dewey:

Dewey: I'll go make my bed-

Huey: Can I go to the pool?

Della: Sure, we’ll go as soon as I’m free.

Huey: No, can I go by myself?

Della: You don’t want to go with me?

Huey: You just go around challenging random people to cannonball contests.

Della: It’s the only way to establish dominance.

*While playing Among Us*

Huey: I believe Webby is innocent, I was with her the whole time. Dewey, what were you doing?

Dewey: Oh, I was just murdering… I mean, nothing!

Huey: You use humor to deflect your trauma.

Dewey: Awww, thanks-

Huey: That’s not a good thing.

Dewey: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny.

Dewey: *About to do something incredibly stupid*

Huey: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

If Webby wasn’t Home-Schooled as a child:

Mrs. Beakley: *on the phone* Just snap his kneecaps and he’ll talk, I’m at a parent teacher conference.

Mrs. Beakley: You said Webby is enjoying finger painting? That's great!

Huey: Wow, did you hear that voice crack?

Louie: That wasn't a voice crack, that was a whole voice meth.

Louie: What's your most controversial video game hot take?

Huey: The pursuit for photorealism in games is a fruitless endeavor that only results in bloated file sizes that take too much space.

Dewey: Mario is a woman and just really butch.

Chapter Text

Huey: The dinosaurs didn’t rule the earth they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administration skills they didn’t have.

Webby: Without ugly, there would be no beauty in this world.

Dewey: Thank you for your sacrifice, Louie.

Dewey: How stupid do you think I am?!

Huey: You really want an honest answer to that?

Dewey: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.

Louie: And you came to me?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Louie: No.

Dewey: Big day today, Louie. *holds up two shirts* Mustard stain or ketchup stain?

Louie: Mustard– looks less like blood.

Webby:  Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

Dewey: How can you still say that?

Webby: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

Louie: Is this a good idea?

Louie: Probably not.

Louie: Do I care?

Louie: No.

Dewey: Hey do you wanna hang out this weekend?

Louie: Generic excuse.

Dewey: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.

Louie: I can.

Dewey: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.

Dewey: Can I ask a dumb question?

Louie: Better than anyone I know.

Huey: "You look tired" well, the torment is relentless and the horrors never cease.

Dewey: I’M GONNA JUMP OFF A BUILDING WITH THIS UMBRELLA AND FLY LIKE MARY POPPINS!

Huey: *Exhausted sigh*

Dewey: What are you writing?

Louie: The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.

Huey, looking over Louie's shoulder: This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

Louie: I wasn’t sure if Webby counts.

Huey: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

Webby: You believe me?

Lena: Webby, you’re the last good person on this planet. I‘d believe cartoon birds braided your hair this morning.

Louie: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*

Huey: Hey, Louie, how was your day?

Louie: *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Huey* Hell.

Dewey, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you?

Dewey, to Louie: Please, picking locks is my specialty.

Dewey: *throws a brick through the window*

Dewey: Okay, let’s go.

Huey: The ritual. To preform it requires a sacrifice.

Louie: Sacrifice? I nominate Dewey.

Dewey: Wait, what?

Louie: Because you're little, you'll fit on a barbecue.

Dewey: I'm 5'9, that’s like, average height in most of the world!

Huey: It’s not that kind of sacrifice guys!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey: What, in the name of sanity, have you got on your head?

Dewey: It's a fez, I wear a fez now. Fezzes are cool.

Louie: *snatches the fez, throws it in the air*

Webby: *shoots it*

Dewey: If you see me talking to myself, go away! I’m self-employed and we’re having a staff meeting!

Louie, trying to teach Webby how to get out of trouble: If you get in trouble, I'm gonna be like... a lawyer to you. Ok?

Webby: Okay.

*later*

Huey: Webby! Sit down on the chair, you're in trouble.

Louie, whispering: Deny everything.

Webby, loudly: That isn't a chair.

If Louie hated Santa:

Louie: *writing a letter*

Louie: Dear Santa,

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

And it was worth it you fat, judgmental, bastard.

Huey: Where's Lena?

Louie: Don't worry, I'll find her.

Louie, shouting: Webby sucks!

Lena, distantly: Webby is the best person ever! Fuck you!

Louie: Found her.

Louie: You’re mean!

Dewey: You’re meaner!

Louie: Yeah, well, you’re ugly too!

Dewey: You’re uglier!

Louie: You’re a dumbass!

Dewey: You’re a dumberass!

Louie: You think “dumberass” is a good insult!

Louie: Quitting! It's like trying, but easier.

*Huey teaching Dewey to drive and taking Louie along for the ride*

Huey: That's a pothole. To the left!

Dewey: Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*

Louie, sticking his face into the front over the center console: Cha Cha real smooth.

Dewey: I don't think that's how the song goes.

Huey, crying and gripping the handle: Please just take me home.

Dewey: Country Roads.

Louie: To the place.

Dewey and Louie in unison: I Belong!

Huey, crying harder: What the fuck?

Dewey: What did you get on your shirt?

Webby: Rust.

Dewey: From what?

Webby: Weapons.

Huey: Time for more adult supervision.

Dewey: Man, it smells like wrongdog out here.

Webby:

Webby: Dewey, are you alright?

Dewey: *sobs*

Huey: Just be careful, Dewey!

Dewey: *heading out the door* I'm always careful, Huey!

Dewey: It's everything around me that's careless.

Huey: How has life been treating you lately?

Louie: Horribly.

Huey: Do you take constructive criticism?

Dewey: Not without crying.

After Webby got her first phone:

Webby: *is throwing stones at Louie's window*

Louie: You have a phone for a reason, Webby!

*THUD*

Louie: DID YOU JUST THROW YOUR PHONE AT MY WINDOW?!

Louie: A decision had to be made.

Dewey: And you fucked it up!

Dewey: Is it just me or is instant ramen even better uncooked?

Huey: It’s just you.

Magica: I feel awful about killing you.

Lena: …

Magic: Even though technically you never even died, so I don’t know what you’re bitching about.

Random Homophobe: N... No!

Louie: A fair rebuttal. However, consider this counterpoint: Y... Yes???

Dewey, after getting a job as a life guard: Hmm... I wonder what those things at the bottom of the pool are…

Huey: THOSE ARE PEOPLE DROWNING!

In college:

Dewey: In alcohol’s defense, I’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Dewey: When you've been on the internet for as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Louie: Navy blue isn't your color.

Dewey: Navy blue brings out my eyes you prick! *Chases after Louie*

Dewey: We need a way to lure in new customers?

Webby: Maybe we could have some fun, interactive events!

Louie: Huey bath water.

Huey: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Huey: A-are you sure this is safe?!

Dewey: Oh, quit being such a baby. It’s perfectly safe! …For me!

Huey: Dewey! You gotta be more confident!

Webby: Yeah! You gotta be yourself!

Dewey: PICK ONE! I CAN’T DO BOTH!

Dewey: Hey, check out my Spongebob umbrella!

*Dewey opens his umbrella while indoors*

Huey: Dewey, that’s bad luck…

Dewey: Chill out, Huey!

Webby, kicking down the door: WHO SUMMONED ME?!?!

Dewey and Huey: *screams*

Dewey: *running towards Webby with open arms*

Webby: *moves out of the way*

Dewey: Hey, why'd you move?!

Webby: I thought you were going to attack me.

Dewey: I was going to hug you!

Webby: Why would you hug me?

Dewey: WHY WOULD I ATTACK YOU!?

Dewey: Louie, I rebuke thee! I rebuke thee!

Louie: Rebuke? Is that a word?

Dewey: You have all invoked my fury! You will all pay recompense for your transgressions!

Louie: What, you got like a word-a-day calendar or something?

Dewey, holding a scooter: Huey! Can I go outside and play with this?

Huey: Sure, whatever. I'm not your parent, okay?

Dewey, running outside: Thanks Huey!

Huey, running out after him and screaming: NOT ON THE STREET! STAY AWAY!

Dewey: Happy October 32nd! Second Halloween!

Huey: That doesn't exist.

Dewey: Not with that attitude.

Lena: What do you guys do when you're stressed?

Webby: Try and calm myself down!

Louie: Sleep.

Dewey: Get myself into even more stress, so that the first reason for my stress gets cancelled out.

Huey: I am stress.

Huey: Happy Throwback Thursday! Here’s a throwback to when Dewey ate an entire tube of lipstick.

Dewey, whining: But why would it be cherry-flavored if you can’t eat it?!

Chapter Text

Homophobe: Hi-

Louie: Leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass.

In a Dewey Dew-Night episode (Dewey bribed Louie and blackmailed Huey):

Huey: It’s the gift that keeps giving!

Louie: It’s the flower that keeps blooming!

Dewey: It’s the boat that keeps sailing!

Webby: It’s the serial killer that keeps stabbing!

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: Don't worry, I've got a few knives up my sleeve.

Dewey: I think you mean cards.

Louie: She does not.

Webby, pulling out knives: I do not.

Scrooge: I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Huey: Hey!

Dewey: What do you want?

Huey: Remember what we were talking about yesterday?

Dewey: Nope.

Huey: Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

Louie: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?

Webby: His cats' names are Walter and Rose.

Louie: That's not what I asked.

Webby: That is all the information I have.

Dewey: I’m sorry for being annoying.

Dewey: It will happen again.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby, grinning: I have a knife!

Huey: Put it down, Webby.

Webby: Make me! *sprints away*

Webby: *cocks gun* Go to Bed. This is no longer a request, this is now a Threat.

Huey: What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them??

Louie: What the hell do you do?

Huey: I die? What kinda question...

Dewey: *sighs*

Louie: You bored?

Dewey: Yeah.

Louie: Wanna start drama for no reason?

Dewey: I thought you’d never ask.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey: Why is there blood everywhere?

Webby: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Huey: You stabbed someone?!

Webby: No, no. I aggressively poked someone with a knife.

Huey: I haven't seen Dewey and Louie for fifteen minutes now.

*Outside a nearby window, a car without a driver inside is seen rolling down a driveway, with Dewey and Louie running after it in a panic. Huey doesn't look outside at all.*

Huey: That probably means they're getting into trouble.

Huey: Like they say, "If you can't beat them, curl up in a ball and protect your organs."

Dewey: Don't ask me what I'm talking about. I don't know, okay? I'm just the vessel. The message has been gifted. I've moved on.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey, to Webby and Louie: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal!

Webby: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth.

Dewey: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.

Dewey: You know me, Louie, I don’t take any shit. You know what I say to my haters?

Louie: What?

Dewey: I say: “Please don’t hate me, I’m really nice.”

Louie: I'm tired.

Huey: You slept for three hours last night! Why are you surprised?!

Louie: I'm not surprised. I just wanted to complain about it.

Lena: What’s up? I’m back.

Louie: I literally saw you die. You died. You were dead

Lena: Death is a social construct.

Huey: I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, Dewey.

Dewey: My favorite thing about big dogs is that when you push them over, they're all like "Oh, I'm lying down now! Someone might scratch my stomach! I might nap! Endless possibilities!"

Louie: ...whereas, when you push little dogs over, they're all like, "Vengeance! Death before dishonor!"

Dewey: Are you tall enough to play basketball though?

Huey: Are you calling me short?

Dewey: I'm calling you vertically challenged.

Huey: Webby, when’s your birthday?

Webby: Why? So you can look up my natal chart? So you can figure out my weaknesses? So you can destroy me?

Huey: …So I know when to wish you a happy birthday.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby:  Hand me the people opener.

Huey: ...

Huey: Pardon?

Webby, annoyed: The-! Just hand it to me!

Huey, stressed: WHAT THE FUCK IS A PEOPLE OPENER?

Webby: How do you not know what a people opener is? Its pointy- you know? With a handle?

Huey: Knife. It's called a knife.

Dewey, texting: Don't worry, I have your phone! Text me when you're gonna come get it!

Webby: I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.

Louie: What?

Webby: Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

Webby: Act natural.

Louie: For this kind of situation, the most natural thing would be to panic, so technically I can panic.

Webby: NO, that’s not what I meant! Act like it’s a normal day!

Louie: My ‘normal’ days of late, consist of a lot of panic.

Webby: Will you just cooperate?

Louie: When a person is panicking, they are not apt to cooperate very well!

Dewey: *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*

Huey: You can't just skip to the happy ending!

Dewey: I don't have time for their problems.

Huey: *working in a flower shop for a patch and minding his own business*

Dewey, storming into the store and slapping $20 on the counter: HOW DO I PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVELY SAY “FUCK YOU” IN FLOWER???

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: *Kicks the door open, looking panicked*

Louie: What did you do?!

Webby: NOBODY DIED!

Louie: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

3 days after Louie accidentally panic-came-out to Webby at 3-in-the-morning then had to explain what LGBTQ+ was to her:

Webby: Today is Non-binary Awareness Day!

Webby, staring into Louie’s eyes: I AM AWARE OF YOU.

Louie: Really wish you weren’t.

Huey: You ever get so tired that you start seeing spiders?

Louie: Me after I take 17 Benadryl and start seeing The Hat Man.

Huey: THE WHO?

Louie: Oh? Is this not a safe space suddenly?

Huey: How late were you up last night?

Webby & Louie, in tandem: Me?

Huey: No, not you two. You stay up late all the time.

Huey, to Dewey: You.

Huey: Don’t say a word.

Dewey: Fergalicious. 

Huey: Dewey, I said no words. 

Dewey: Oh, I see how it works. Two weeks ago, we’re playing Scrabble, it’s not a word, now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.

Louie: Dammit, Dewey, you ruined everything!

Dewey: You’re welcome.

Dewey: Okay. Hypothetically speaking, how mad would you be if I burned a hot pocket so badly it could probably fall off a ten-story building and be completely fine?

Huey: Dewey, what did you do?

Dewey: Take a guess.

Dewey: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.

Dewey: Aww, what's your dog's name?

Huey: Spartacus.

Dewey, yelling to Louie: TRY SPARTACUS!

Louie, on the computer: DIDN'T WORK!

Huey:

Dewey: What's your favorite number?

When Webby got turned into a toddler:

Louie: Webby, what do you have?

Webby: A KNIFE!

Louie: Okay, have fu-

Huey: NO!

Dewey, in the hospital after he tried to backflip off a roof: Will you visit me when I get out?

Louie: Lol nah, I hate graveyards.

Dewey, high on pain meds: Wha- I’m not gonn- Huey, I don’ wanna die! *Incoherent sobbing*

Huey: For fucks sake. *face palms*

Huey, teaching Dewey to drive: Okay, you're driving and Webby and Louie walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Dewey: Oh, definitely Louie. I could never hurt Webby.

Huey, massaging his temples: The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Dewey: Some of us are still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag.

Louie: Way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday.

Dewey, to Louie: You're not Mario. Let’s get something fucking straight, you're Luigi at best.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: Arson? Oh, you mean "crime brûlée".

Huey: What is love?

Louie: An emotional minefield.

Webby: A neurochemical reaction.

Dewey: Baby don't hurt me.

Dewey: You have any sunscreen?

Huey: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—

Dewey: It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.

Chapter Text

Dewey: Why does my arm shake and turn bright red when I’m eating dirt?

Huey:

Huey: Why are you eating dirt?

Dewey: Did I ask you if I should eat dirt? No. So answer my question.

Webby: You've been given a new job to do for a patch, but I'm worried it might make you angry.

Huey:  Just say it quick, like ripping off a band-aid.

Webby: You have to teach Dewey how to drive.

Huey: ...put the band-aid back on.

Huey: I am going to need you to swear-

Louie: Fuck.

Huey:

Huey: ...swear as in promise.

Louie: Dewey, we tried things your way.

Dewey: No, we didn't.

Louie: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Dewey: You've got to act tough, Huey! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you!

Huey: Right. Yes. Tough. Got it.

Huey, standing up on his stool and slamming his hands down on the bar: I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

Dewey: You might not know this, Louie, but I am a flawed person.

Louie: I do know that.

Louie: I failed my safety training course today.

Huey: Why, what happened?

Louie: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Huey: And?

Louie: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Huey: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.

Louie: Nat 20 Charisma.

Huey: That is NOT how that works-

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Lena: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad...

Dewey: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.

In college:

Huey: You’re drunk.

Louie: Correction: drinking. Present tense. Grammar, Huey.

Dewey: Tell them to eat shit, Louie.

Louie: Tell them yourself.

Dewey: Eat shit, asshole. Fall of your horse.

Louie: Hey.

Dewey: Hey?

Louie: I can't sleep.

Dewey: I can. Goodnight.

Webby: Huey, what are you doing?

Huey: Making chocolate pudding.

Webby: It's four in the morning, why are you making chocolate pudding?

Huey: Because I've lost control of my life.

Huey: Here's your pudding, Dewey.

Dewey: Oh, that's okay, I'm not hungry anymore.

Dewey: Look, I’m glad everyone’s on the same page.

Dewey: But it’s the last page in a book titled “we’re all going to die”.

Louie: That’s not even clever.

Dewey: I’m not stupid, you know.

Louie: Well, you’re doing a really good impression of it!

Dewey: it’s illegal to look better than me.

Louie: I guess we’re all going to jail then.

Huey: Dewey’s out the will.

Dewey: That’s honestly fair. I deserve that.

Webby: Wait, you have a will? Already? You haven’t even graduated.

Huey: I’ve done some things in my life. Upset the wrong people. Louie, you have a will too, right?

Louie: Lots. Good luck figuring out which one’s real.

Huey: Would you like your pizza cut into six or eight slices, Dewey?

Dewey: Oh, just six, I don’t think I could eat eight.

Louie: If you put a milkshake in one yard and crack open a cold one in another yard, which yard would the boys go to?

Webby: Schrödinger's boys.

Huey: FUCK!

Lena: What about cracking open a cold milkshake?

Dewey: As we all know, the milkshake brings the boys to the yard. The presence of the boys is a prerequisite for the cracking open of a cold one, but cold ones do not have any inherent boy-attracting abilities. Milkshakes, however, do. 

Dewey: All else being equal, the boys would proceed to the milkshake yard. While it is possible to announce the presence of cold ones in the hope of attracting some boys, the pull of the milkshake is much more powerful by comparison.

Louie: ...

Lena: ...

Webby: ...

Huey: ...

Dewey: Mind you, all of this nonsense hinges on whether or not the boys are back in town.

Louie: Huey is not a morning person. Or a night person. There’s really only about seven minutes a day you are fun to be around.

Huey: The best part is you never know when they’re coming.

Webby: Why is Dewey crying on the floor?

Louie: He took one of those 'what person are you?' quizzes.

Webby: And?

Louie: He got Huey.

Huey: I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

Huey: STOP!

*Everyone stops*

Huey: wAiT a MiNuTe-

Huey: Do we have any orange juice left?

Louie: *pours the remaining juice into their cup*

Louie: Sorry, we’re all out.

Webby: Oh, fiddlesticks.

Dewey: Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

Webby: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming. Three people have died.

Webby: I will not yield.

*Comments under an image of a really hot knife cutting bread*

Louie: Imagine stabbing someone with this knife.

Huey: It would instantly cauterize the wound, so the person wouldn't bleed, so it's not very useful.

Webby: if you want information it is.

Dewey: why would you STAB a person when you can have TOAST?

Dewey: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?

Louie: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.

Huey: You know what? Let’s give it a go. What’s the worst that could happen?

Louie: Humiliation, embarrassment, fire, explosions, collisions, tears, nudity and death.

Cop: You ran a red light.

Dewey: So did you, hypocrite.

Cop: I was following you.

Dewey: That was dumb, I'm a terrible driver.

Cop: Get out.

Huey: Be right back, gonna hit the toilet for a quick power sob.

Louie: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.

Dewey: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.

Louie: They're not.

Dewey: Haha, very funny.

Louie: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?

Dewey: No... what happened?

Louie: ...Why would you fall for this again-

In my Promises Kept AU:

Goldie, about Webby: I like her, she has that, what do you call it?

Louie: Cold blooded ruthlessness?

Goldie: No, that’s not it.

Goldie: Ah, a knife, she has a knife.

Louie: Why do humans have different blood groups?

Dewey: So mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors.

Dewey and Webby got turned into toddlers:

Webby, in a high voice, holding Barbie: Hey, Ken! I was thinking about going back to school and starting a career!

Dewey, in a deep voice, holding Ken: Nonsense, Barbie. You’re staying home and having my kids.

Louie: What the fuck are you guys doing?

Webby: Playing systemic oppression.

*At a bank teller window*

Dewey, in a bad Italian accent: I'd like-a to make-a da deposit!

Huey: HEY BUDDY, WAIT, I REMEMBER YOU!

Dewey: *Frantically pours marinara sauce into the vacuum tube*

Huey: GODDAMMIT, IT'S HIM AGAIN!

Dewey: Do you have any idea what you’re doing?

Huey: Why start now?

Webby: Are you okay?

Huey, crying: Yeah, it was just the onions.

Webby: *Picks up an onion* What the fuck did you say to Huey?

In college:

Louie: Adults are the most insanely stupid people I have the displeasure of interacting with.

Huey, referring to himself and Dewey: Even us?

Louie: Especially you guys.

Dewey:

Huey:

Dewey: Petition to kick Louie out so they stop insulting us.

Huey: Seconded.

Huey: Dewey, why does your bucket list have ‘Die’ on it?

Dewey: So I can die feeling at least a little bit accomplished.

Louie: You disgust me.

Dewey: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

Louie: How do you type so fast?

Huey: Anxiety.

Huey, teaching Dewey to drive: Okay Dewey, what does a green light mean?

Dewey: Go!

Huey: A red light?

Dewey: Stop!

Huey: And what about a yellow light?

Dewey: If you floor it, you can make it!

Huey: …No—

Huey: Dewey is not allowed to violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.

Huey: No matter how many times you say please, Dewey. We won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.

Huey: You read my diary?

Dewey: At first I did not know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

Dewey: Astrology is fun because I can pretend that all of my behaviors are just a result of being an Aries and not symptoms of mental illness.

Louie: Being an Aries is a mental illness. That’s not hate it’s just a fact.

Dewey: …Louie-

Chapter Text

Webby: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.

Dewey: What's your greatest fear?

Louie: Being forgotten.

Dewey: ...

Dewey: Damn, that's deep.

Dewey: Mine is the Kool Aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now...

Webby: What are your adjectives?

Louie: …You mean my pronouns?

Webby: No, I know what your pronouns are! What are your adjectives?

Louie: …I dunno. What are yours?

Webby: Noisy and chaotic!

Louie: I’ve never had something go from making no sense to making complete sense so quickly.

Dewey: If I punch myself and it hurts, am I weak or strong?

Huey: Strong.

Webby: Weak.

Louie: An idiot, is what you are.

Dewey: Louie… I'm gonna cry!

Louie: Please don't.

Dewey, crying: Request denied.

Webby: Louie is at that very special age where a kid only has one thing on his mind.

Huey: Boys?

Louie: Homicide.

Donald: Do you guys ever have a civilized conversation that doesn't require insulting each other every time you get a chance?

Louie: No.

Dewey: No.

Huey: No.

Donald: Didn't think so.

Dewey: Louie and I are so close we even share a toothbrush.

Louie: We what?

Huey: Your smug self-assuredness is revolting.

Louie: I think we need to validate self-confidence more, lest you end up angry at others for having even a sliver of it. I've done nothing wrong and I have a heart of gold.

Webby: I think this message is extremely valid, but also Louie has implied wanting to set off the Yellowstone super-volcano, so what's the truth?

Louie: I want to set it off.

Huey: Damn, the power went out.

Dewey: Don’t worry, I got this.

Dewey: *shakes rapidly and starts to light up*

Huey: What-?

Dewey: I swallowed a glow stick!

Huey, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

Louie: Come, Dewey. Webby doesn't want to talk to us right now. She’s just too polite to say it.

Webby: If I say yes, am I joining a cult?

Dewey: Possibly.

Webby: I’m in.

Webby: Why are Huey, Dewey, and Louie sitting with their backs to each other?

Donald: They had a fight.

Webby: Then why are they holding hands?

Donald: They get sad when they fight.

Huey: A person can really hear themselves think out here.

Huey’s mind: Did you leave the stove on? The front door unlocked!? WILL YOU DIE ALONE!?

Huey: Well, that was a mistake.

Dewey: What’s your biggest fear?

Huey: I am incredibly arachnophobic.

Dewey, under his breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?

Dewey: Once Louie thanked me and I couldn’t decide between “No problem!” and “No worries!” so I yelled “No worms!” to them as he walked away.

Louie: I can’t do this, it’s against my moral compass.

Huey: YOUR MORAL COMPASS IS A ROULETTE WHEEL!

Louie: …Your point?

Louie: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff.

Dewey: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

Dewey: Seriously, all you do is bitch.

Louie: I happen to bitch the perfect amount for someone in my situation.

Dewey: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨

Huey: What do you call disobeying the law?

Dewey, Louie, and Webby: A hobby.

Huey: *crosses his arms*

Dewey, Louie, and Webby: That we do not engage in.

Dewey: You know how some people consider “may you have an interesting life” to be a curse?

Louie: Yes…?

Dewey: Fuck those people. Wanna have an adventure?

Louie: If I didn't know better, Dewey, I'd say you were scared.

Dewey: Heh, scared?

*absolute silence*

Dewey: DID YOU HEAR THAT?!

Huey: Webby, you can do anything!

Webby: Anything?

Huey: Anything!

Webby, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?!

Huey: Wait, not that!

Violet: What state do you live in?

Huey: Constant anxiety.

Webby: Denial.

Dewey: Perfection.

Louie: Exhaustion.

Lena: DUCKBURG!

Dewey: I learned a valuable lesson from this.

Huey: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lesson you actually should’ve learned…

Dewey: DEATH ISN’T REAL AND I AM BASICALLY A GOD!

Louie: Eat shit and die, Huey!!!

Huey: Eat shit and live, Louie.

Louie: Am I a boy? Am I a girl? It doesn't matter. I'm going to burn your house down.

Dewey: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

Louie, to a homophobe: You’re like an oyster. Not appealing on the outside, but your insides are worth a lot of money!

Huey, about Webby: She’s speaking some kind of French.

Dewey: Let me handle it. I speak Spanish. It's the same thing.

Webby: State your name, rank, and intention.

Dewey: Dewey, Dewey, fun.

Dewey: If you don't stop talking, I'm going to jump out of that window.

Huey: ...We're on the ground floor.

Dewey: I know but I want a dramatic exit.

Louie: I don’t know, he just doesn’t seem interested...

Webby, who is aroace yet has better dating advice than everyone else in the family: Did you try talking to him?

Louie:

Louie: Try what?

In high school:

Homophobic Classmate: You're just jealous. All my friends tell me I remind them of Webby.

Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Lena: *screaming*

Huey: You look like Webby? Are you out of your fucking MIND?

Lena: Webby, sweetie, I am SO sorry. I am SO SORRY that an ugly-ass bitch like this would even say that. Oh my god.

Dewey: Webby? Webby? Webby? You know who you fucking look like? You fucking look like Rumpelstiltskin!

Louie: I just did a poll across 10 different social media platforms and all of them said that you are the most hideous person ever and look nothing like Webby.

Huey: Dewey, please calm down.

Dewey: I asked for two large fries!

Dewey: *dumps fries onto table*

Dewey: But all they did was give me a MILLION FUCKING LITTLE ONES!

Huey: Dewey... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Dewey: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Huey:

Huey: I wrote sanitize, Dewey.

Huey: And you fucked up satanizing the house too, pentagrams aren’t satanic.

Dewey: … Damn it.

Dewey: Have you heard of Murphy’s law? The one where if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?

Huey: Yeah, I have.

Dewey: Have you heard of Cole’s law?

Huey: Is this a joke about coleslaw?

Dewey: …maybe.

In high school:

Webby: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy. But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods you’re going to die.

Lena: My favorite is explaining the difference between a butt dial and a booty call.

Louie: It’s called connotations.

Dewey: Try this one on for size, “Forgive me, Father, I have sinned” vs “Sorry, Daddy, I’ve been naughty."

Huey, covering Webby’s ears: Great news! Language is now banned!

Huey: Where’s Dewey?

Louie: Around.

Huey: Around?

Huey: You don’t have any idea, do you?

Dewey, dropping down from above: Did you know there’s a space above the ceiling?

Dewey: You can take away my rights, but can you take away my lefts?

Louie: I'm not a morning person. I'm barely even a person at all.

Dewey: Physically, yes, I could fight a bird, but emotionally? Imagine the toll!

Dewey: I’m proud to say I’ve come over my fear of ghosts!

Huey: That’s the spirit!

Dewey: *gasps* whErE???!!!??

Dewey: Huey, I want a bedtime story!

Huey: I’m busy, Dewey. I’ll tell you one tomorrow.

Dewey: If you don’t tell me a story, I won’t go to bed!

Huey: Once upon a time, there was a boy named Dewey, who always wanted things his way. One day, his friends got sick of it and locked him in the basement for the rest of his life. Everyone else lived happily ever after. The end.

Dewey: I don’t like these stories with morals.

Webby: Present your best argument for eating bacon.

Dewey: If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made of food?

Huey: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!

Huey: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!

Dewey: Huey just threw a tantrum about a chair.

Dewey: I just won Huey Tantrum Bingo.

Dewey: Wanna hear some dark humor.

Louie: Yeah, I love dark humor.

Dewey: Alright.

Dewey: *Turns off the lights*

Dewey: Knock knock.

Louie: Turn the damn lights back on.

Chapter Text

In high school:

Dewey: Guys, I didn’t memorize my lines!

Louie: Just use your lack of common sense! Everyone knows the characters in plays are dumb as fuck!

*During the play*

Webby: Hey! You finally made it! Did you get the donuts?

Dewey: W-what’re donuts?

Gladstone: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures.

Della: What the fuck?

Donald: He’s having an idea.

Dewey: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?

Louie: The final boss.

Huey: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?

Dewey: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!

Huey: Helpful grammar tip: “farther” is for physical distance, “further” is for metaphorical distance, and “father” is for emotional distance!

Louie got turned into a toddler:

Louie: Can we go out to get icecream?

Dewey: Did you ask Huey?

Louie: He said no.

Dewey: Then why did you ask me?

Louie: He’s not the boss of you.

Dewey, internally: It's a trap, it's a trap, it's a trap.

Dewey: Get on my level!

Louie: Unfortunately, to "get on your level" I'd need a boat trip to the Mariana Trench and a pair of cinderblock shoes.

Della: Thank gods you were there, Penny. I knew you wouldn't let your best friend die.

Penumbra: I am still going to arrest you. I just cannot do that if you are dead.

Della: Whatever you gotta tell yourself. Baby steps. It's hard getting out of your shell.

Thoughts on stabbing people:

Huey: Would never stab anyone.

Louie: Would stab someone in retaliation.

Dewey: Yells "I won't hesitate, bitch!" first.

Lena: Would stab without warning.

Webby: Would stab as a warning.

Donald: Who the fuck broke the toaster?

Huey: It was Dewey.

Webby: It was Dewey.

Louie: Dewey broke it.

Dewey:

Dewey: ...yOU PROMISED-

Louie: Uh, I think I got your lunch. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘I am very proud of you. Love, Uncle Donald.’*

Huey: Oh yeah. I didn’t think this was for me. *Holds up a note that reads: ‘Be good. For the love of God, Please be good.’*

Huey: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO-

Webby: It was me...

Huey: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.

Dewey: They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind.

Huey: Thank gods.

Dewey: Give me everything you’ve got!

Huey: All your friends secretly hate you.

Dewey: Wait, what?

Huey: I’ve got anxiety.

Dewey: If I run and leap at Huey, he will most certainly catch me in his arms.

Dewey, running towards Huey: Coming in!

Huey: No! I’m holding coffee!

Huey: *Drops coffee and catches Dewey*

Dewey: If history repeats itself, I’m so getting a dinosaur!

Dewey: Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

Dewey: Are you an ‘arr’ pirate or a ‘yo ho ho’ pirate?

Louie: I’m a ‘I’m not paying $600 for photoshop’ pirate.

Louie: God is no longer with us, I’ll take over.

Lena: I see the red flags, I acknowledge that they're there, and then I completely ignore them.

At school, after a classmate attempted to bully Dewey:

Louie: Do you know that we are made out of atoms?

Louie: And atoms never touch each other.

Louie: So, in my defense, officer. I did not punch this kid.

Dewey: Hey, Huey?

Huey: Yeah?

Dewey: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Huey:

Huey: Where’s Louie?

Donald: What makes you all smile?

Webby: Friends and Family.

Dewey: Snacks.

Louie: Victory and success.

Huey: Face muscles.

Violet: Define “dream”.

Lena: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.

Webby: That’s too dark!

Dewey, opening a Capri Sun: Guess I'll drink my sorrows away.

Dewey: *in a jail cell* What about my Miranda rights!? You’re supposed to say I have ‘the right to remain silent’! NOBODY SAID I HAD THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Louie: *in the cell next to him* You have the right to remain silent, what you lack is the capacity.

Louie: Why were you up yesterday until 3am?

Dewey: How did you know I was up until 3am?

Huey: We could hear you clapping to the FRIENDS intro every 25 minutes.

WEbby: I have a question.

Dewey: Shoot.

Webby: Is the S or C in scent silent?

Huey: Fuck you, I’m going to be thinking about this all day.

Louie: Okay well, cent is pronounced the same way as scent so I’m gonna say the S is silent.

Webby: Okay, but sent is also spelled the same way.

Huey: Google says that the C was added in the late seventeenth century, so I guess the S is silent.

Dewey: Plot twist, both the S and the C are silent and the E actually makes the sss sound.

Huey: Dewey is not allowed to talk anymore.

Dewey: Hey Huey?

Huey: Yeah?

Dewey: What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?

Huey:

Huey: ...What.

Webby: Social distancing says you shouldn't be within an elbow's distance of each other.

*later, in a barfight*

Webby: Social distancing didn’t say anything about feet! *kicks opponent in the face*

Huey: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.

Webby, after encountering a homophobe for the first time: I prevented a murder today.

Huey: Really? That’s amazing! How did you do that?

Webby: Self-control.

Dewey: Everything’s fine, Webby.

Webby: Dewey, I know your relationship with the English language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.

Louie: How the hell are you still alive?

Dewey: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Louie: "I lost a bet."

Louie: The second-most ominous phrase in existence.

Dewey:  What's the first?

Louie: "Let's make a bet."

Dewey, asking Huey for help with homework in front of Louie: "29-34 Give a particular ecosystem and explain how could it be protected."

Dewey, to Huey: Help please.

Huey: Well, you coul-

Louie, interrupting Huey: Forests, stop cutting down trees and don't hold gender reveal parties anywhere near them.

Dewey: Screw lactose intolerance! I will consume as much dairy as I want!

Dewey 2 hours later, crying on the floor: WHY DOES IT HURT SO MUCH?!

Huey: Whatever happened to the concept of less is more?

Louie: But if less is more, then just think of how much more 'more' will be!

Huey, texting group chat: What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I’m at the store so be quick!

Louie: Cookie n cream

Webby: Moose Tracks is good!

Dewey: What the fuck is that!?

Webby: *Gasp* How dare you insult Moo-

Dewey: No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It’s like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like “Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR."

Huey, Louie, and Webby: What?

Dewey: I don’t get it why add the EXTRA u when it’s PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?

Huey: You done now?

Dewey: Yeah ok.

Huey, Louie, and Webby: ...

Dewey: ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour?

*Huey is casually searching around the room*

Webby: Hey Huey, what’re you looking for?

Huey: My will to live.

*Dewey and Louie walk into the room*

Huey: Oh, there it is.

Huey: Hey, are you okay?

Louie: Yeah.

Huey: You don't look okay...

Louie: Then stop looking.

*at a zoo*

Webby: What are they in for?

Louie: Webby, this isn't prison.

Webby: So they can leave?

Louie: No, but-

Webby, pointing at a meerkat: I bet that one murdered someone.

Webby: But what about Dewey?

Louie: Don't worry about him.

Louie: I once watched him fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating his hotdog like nothing happened.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby, delirious from a concussion after getting caught in an explosion: Why's it called an oven when you of-in the cold food and you of-out hot eat the food?

Louie: ...What???

Huey: I don’t need to touch grass, I need the fall of capitalism.

When Donald forced the triplets to get part-time jobs:

Launchpad, ordering Starbucks: Hey, I just got my heart broken, what do you recommend?

Louie, who’s running the drive thru: …

Louie: Tequila.

Donald and Della sibling co-parenting the triplets:

Louie: Am I in trouble?

Donald: Take a guess.

Louie: No?

Della: Take another guess.

Chapter Text

Huey: I'm at a loss for words!

Dewey: Despite being ‘at a loss for words’, Huey yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

Huey: The first time Dewey opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside he yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"

Dewey: Get in, loser, we’re committing vehicular manslaughter!

Huey: When I was your age-

Louie, mocking Huey: When I was your height.

Huey:

Huey: Listen here you little shit-

Webby: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me?

Lena: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it.

Huey: Three of us saw it, Lena. How do you explain that?

Lena: *points at Louie* Sleep deprivation. *points at Huey* Paranoia. *points at Dewey* Bought drugs from some guy in an alley to see what they taste like.

Webby: So, Huey, do you have a crush on anyone?

Huey: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

Webby: We need to distract these guys.

Louie: Leave it to me.

Louie: Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

Dewey & Huey: *immediately begin arguing*

Dewey: That’s the key slice of truth we need to complete the entire truth pie.

Webby: Ooh, can we get some actual pie?

Dewey: I like the way you think.

Webby: Here comes the lightning!

Webby, whispering: You've got to imagine it coming out my fingertips, wherein I am an almighty wizard.

Dewey: Ok, currently imagining that. Hmm, not bad. Not bad at all.

Webby: My bad, It’s a knee jerk response.

Gladstone, holding Magica's unconscious body: WHOSE KNEE JERK RESPONSE IS TO START THROWING BRICKS AT SOMEONE???

Dewey: So, I've been thinking Huey-

Huey: That's dangerous.

Dewey: You know guys, sometimes I feel like Louie doesn't take me seriously enough.

Webby: "Sometimes"?

Huey: "Enough"?

Dewey:

Huey: Change that to 'at all' and we'll talk.

Huey, holding an antique bottle: Is this whiskey or perfume?

Dewey: *grabs and chugs the entire bottle*

Dewey:

Dewey: It's perfume.

Dewey: You can answer almost anything with “Not since the accident.”

Huey: Actually, you can’t.

Louie: Not since the accident.

Dewey: *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone*

*Dewey and Louie are texting*

Dewey: Who are you? Someone changed the names in my phone.

Louie: What did they change my name to?

Dewey: Chosen One.

Louie: Don’t change it back.

Dewey: BUT WHO ARE YOU?!?!

Louie: I’m the chosen one.

Louie: I don’t mean to be rude—

Dewey: Yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often.

Dewey to a homophobe: If looking good was a crime, you’d be a law-abiding citizen.

Louie: Are you sure this is safe?

Dewey: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle.

Dewey: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: I'm bored.

Webby: Wanna commit first degree murder?

Louie: Sure!

Huey, hearing them: No- Stop, don't do that! Put that knife down! Put Dewey down!!

When Webby started college:

Webby, who’s college is 200 miles from Duckburg (Sunchaser is very broken): You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast?

Huey: Several traffic violations.

Dewey: Three counts of resisting arrest.

Louie: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks.

Lena: Also, that’s not our car.

Dewey: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

Dewey, after eating cocaine and finding it disgusting: I said ‘No’ to drugs, but they wouldn’t listen.

Dewey, after beta-reading a very fucked-up™ vent-fic: Editor's note: What the FUCK?

Huey: What’s wrong?

Dewey: I have to write a whole paragraph for school.

Huey: That’s not so bad; I write entire books.

Dewey: Yeah, but this has to be good.

Louie: Why am I the bad guy?

Dewey: I don't know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

Webby: Hoodie pockets are so great. I can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are still warm. I see why Louie likes them.

Louie: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.

Dewey: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in their own pool. Big difference.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Louie: I'm having problems with a guy...

Webby: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

Dewey: Hold the fuck up.

Della: Excuse me?

Dewey: I said hold the fuck up.

Della:

Dewey: I’m the fuck-up, hold me.

In a Dewey Dew-Night Episode (Dewey gave them all a scrip and paid Louie and Huey):

Dewey: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Louie: My life is a little too much fall and not enough boy.

Huey: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Webby: My life is a little too much imagination and not nearly enough dragons.

Louie: Did you like the food I made?

Dewey: No, not really.

Louie: But I put my heart and soul into it!

Dewey: No wonder it tastes so cold and dead.

In college:

Dewey, about to drink alcohol for the first time: *mixing different alcoholic beverages together*

Webby: What are you making?

Dewey: A mistake.

Huey: Dewey, I need some advice.

Dewey: You need advice from ME?

Huey: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Huey, answering the phone: Hello?

Dewey: It’s Dewey.

Huey: What did he do this time?

Dewey: No, it’s me, Dewey. It’s actually me.

Huey: What did you do this time?

Louie, singing: ~Hush, little phone, don’t you cry.~

Louie: ~Papa’s gonna find you some more Wi-Fi.~

Louie: ~And if that Wi-Fi doesn’t work…~

Louie: ~Papa will destroy the fucking Earth.~

Young Donald: Wow, this parking is as straight as I am.

Young Della: I know I should be focused on the fact that you just came out, but HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY PARKING!

Dewey, looking at a map: It’s a barren, featureless wasteland out there, isn't it?

Huey: Other side, Dewey...

Huey: Webby, gather the others. We need to have another Dewey-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-himm-before-he-hurts-someone convention.

Dewey: Remember that time you dared me to lick a swingset?

Huey: No, I said "Dewey, don't lick that swingset" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swingset.

Lena: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying.

Dewey: And?

Lena: And you are.

Dewey: My friends say I'm the most charismatic out of the group.

Lena: Well, you always have a smile on your face.

Dewey: Thank you.

Lena:

Lena: What drugs do you take?

Dewey: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

In college:

Webby: Hey, can we stay in your dorm tonight?

Lena: Why?

Webby: Dewey messed with a Ouija board and cursed ours.

Huey: Louie doesn't know how to banish spirits, so he’s just been throwing salt at them and yelling, "DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A HOTEL TO YOU?!"

Webby: Would you like something to drink? *She opens the fridge* We have water, milk, juice, spiders, Dr. Pepper-

Dewey: Spiders?

Webby: Spiders it is then.

Dewey: No, that wasn’t-

*Already pouring a brimming glass of spiders…*

Dewey: Dude, I will never forgive Craigslist for banning me after I wrote a post seeking a sworn nemesis. Whoever reported that is obviously my nemesis but I was so pissed.

Louie: What’s your biggest fear?

Dewey: That I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

Huey: Everyone hates me and talks about me behind my back.

Webby: Zombies.

Dewey: ...

Huey: ...

Webby: BUT they can open doors.

*The house boat is on fire, but they don't know it*

Huey: It's hot in here.

Dewey: I know, it's so hot there's smoke coming out of the vent!

Huey:

Huey: First of all, I'm assuming you have no idea what the problem with that statement is.

Dewey: What?

Huey: Second of all, we need to get the fuck out of here, NOW.

Louie: What’s the dumbest thing you believed as a child?

Huey: That naptime was a punishment.

Chapter Text

In college:

Lena: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?

Webby: Maybe a bit tipsy?

Huey: Drunk.

Louie: Wasted.

Dewey: Dead.

Dewey: I'm gonna nickname my child "Lil Bitch".

Huey: I see you're passing on your name.

Webby: Louie doesn’t look very happy.

Dewey: That's his happy. They’re just a bitch.

Webby & Dewey in the back of Huey's car: MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS! MCDONALDS!

Louie: We have food at home.

Huey: *pulls into the McDonald's drive thru*

Webby & Dewey: YAYYYYYY!

Huey: *orders one black coffee and leaves*

Louie: Hey.

Dewey: What do you want?

Louie: Remember what we were talking about yesterday?

Dewey: Nope.

Huey: Kill me nowwwww.

Dewey: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.

Dewey: What’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?

Louie: “Stalagmite” has an “m” in it.

Huey: Did you buy eggs like I asked?

Dewey: Even better!

Huey: What the fuck did you-

Dewey: *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.

Dewey: So, what's for dinner?

Huey, staring at the food he burnt: Regret.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Dewey: Not gonna lie, I'm kind of afraid of Webby...

Louie: As you should be.

Dewey: No, for real, she’s kind of-

Louie, grabbing Dewey by the shoulders: As. You. Should. Be.

Dewey: Wow! Louie made you cry?

Mark Beaks, tearing up: Yes, and he said some really mean things that are only partly true.

Huey, before meeting Scrooge: I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I'm under.

Dewey: *on the phone with Huey* I can’t talk right now, I’m doing hot girl shit.

Huey: You’re pulling Oreos apart and saving off the frosting to make a mega Oreo, aren’t you.

Dewey: Maybe.

Dewey: WHO THE FUCK-

Huey: Whoa, language!

Dewey: I speak fucking English!

Huey: ...

Dewey: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.

In my Promises Kept AU:

Huey: Is that a gun?!

Webby: It's not what it looks like!

Huey: It looks like a gun!

Webby: Okay, maybe it is what it looks like, but in my defense, it doesn't have any more bullets, so I technically can't shoot it anymore.

Huey: ...ANYMORE?!

Dewey: How does one turn their emotions off?

Huey: Okay, so first go to settings.

Huey: I'm a fucking idiot, I thought that said emojis at first.

Dewey: No, I'm still willing to try this, go ahead. I'm at settings, what do I do next?

Dewey: Why can’t trees give off something important like wifi??

Huey: So fuck oxygen, I guess.

Dewey: *venting endlessly to Louie about their week*

Louie, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.

Webby: Where the heck is Huey?

Dewey: Well, it is raining outside... Maybe he melted?

Louie: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat?

Huey: Thought I was meowing back at my cat for the past hour, but it was just me and Dewey meowing at each other from different rooms in the house.

Louie: Reverse tooth fairy where you leave money under your pillow and the tooth fairy comes and leaves you a bunch of teeth.

Webby: Why?

Louie, shaking a bag of teeth: Just because.

Huey: This can’t get any worse. Can it?

Dewey: Sure it can - just give me a minute.

Dewey: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once got lost and figured out Louie's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Webby: Operation ‘No More Distractions’ is a go!

*not even 10 seconds later*

Webby: Oh, look! A butterfly!

Dewey: But that place is haunted.

Webby: Ghosts prey on fear. Just be confident!

Dewey, marching into the haunted house: I AM NOT SCARED! I AM NOT A PUSSY!

Louie: If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

Huey: We have to plan, we have to figure something out.

Louie: Huey, when have any of our plans ever actually worked? We plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.

Louie: You're ignoring all your problems.

Dewey: I know.

Louie: You also know it's an unhealthy coping mechanism?

Dewey: I'm ignoring that fact as well.

Louie:

In my Promises Kept AU:

Webby: *Hugs Louie from behind*