Archive of Our Own ^beta

The jingling of keys fills the morning silence. The IMP crew are about to start their day of filing. “I hate paperwork,” Loona groaned as she drank from her black and purple checkered tumbler.

“I know Loonie, but it has to be done,” her dad states as they walk in and turn on the lights.

Moxxie and Millie head to the conference room to turn on the lights when they see something that stops them dead. “Sir?” Moxxie calls in confusion.

Blitzo walks over. “I swear to Satan’s taint, if it’s a cockroach again,” he grumbles before seeing what they’re looking at. It’s the goat that helped him back in Mexico. The one that he gave the sticker to. It’s still on his cute little head. “El Hombre? What’re you doing down here?” he asks while scratching behind the goat’s ear. The imp sniffs him a few times. “Well, he didn’t die. Still never much alive.”

The goat bleats a bit before rubbing up against Blitzo’s leg. “Aw, such a cute lil’ fella. We should probably get him back to the living world,” Millie says as Blitzo rubs the goats belly. Blitzo looks at her with heart eyes and a quivering lip. “After we do the filing and show him around imp city!” she squeals while hopping.

Blitzo and El Hombre hug her legs with happiness while wagging their tails in unison.

Moxxie and Loona watch them. “Why are we the sane ones?” the latter punctuates with a long sip of coffee.

“You got me,” Moxxie says as they start filing.

3 hours later…

“Done!” Blitzo illustrates with a hand slap on the table. Hombre bleats awake, stands up, and trots over. “Okay, what should we do first with E.H.?” he finger guns at the black goat.

Millie scrolls on her phone before seeing something perfect. “You said he likes violence? Then how about we take him to the wrestling match in the park on Hellbringer Ave.”

“Fuck yeah! Tex says he was going to check it out,” Loona explains not noticing tail wagging. The hooved critters look at with smiles of mocking. “I can hope, shut up!” she turns her back to them. Hearing closer bleating she looks down and sees El Hombre. He sits in front of her and puts a hoof on her hind paw. “Fine, let’s go!” she says with a less mad scowl and grabbing her purse and leaves the room.

The imps looked at El Hombre with amazement. “That is a GOAT goat,” Blitzo states before they follow.

They walk to the park and see the crowd gathering for the match. The group have gotten a few looks because of El Hombre, but none of them mind.

Tex comes and gives Loona a fist bump. “Hey, Loons. MoxRox, MillieKillie, and Blitzo. Sorry I still can’t think of a nickname,” the hellhound scratches his neck in embarrassment. Blitzo shrugs before the goat pokes his head in front. “Awe, who’s this little guy?” he asks before kneeling down to pet him.

Loona explains and they all head to the ring, before stopping and trying to drag them out of there without explanation.

“Whoa, Loonie, what’s wrong?” Blitzo says before pulling away and fumbling backwards into a bystander. A bystander who feels oddly familiar. He looked down and saw he had landed on the last person he wanted to be seen by… Stolas. The owl looked at him in confusion and a bit of blushing. “Hi,” he says plainly.

“Stoly, you okay?” They both looked up and saw the incubus from the party. “Blitzo?” he said while confused.

“Maxwell,” Blitzo said before shooting up from Stolas and tries to run away from everything, but is stopped by El Hombre biting onto his tail. Holding him in place. “I thought we were friends!” he shouts at the goat. The goat starts pulling him towards the prince.

“Why is there an earth goat with you?” Stolas asks as he pets the goat’s soft head.

Loona steps over. “This is E Hombre, he helped Blitzo escape while he was trapped by a hit target in Mexico who thought he was a goat sucker,” She began explaining.

“Well, I know he’s been a few baphomets but- oh you mean like the chupacabra. That makes more sense.” Maxwell says with realization on his face.

“He just showed up in the office this morning and we decided to repay him with some fun,” Moxxie chimes.

Blitzo collapses on the grass. “I give for now,” he pants before passing out.

The muffle sounds of cheers and whistling woke him up. He sees El Hombre laying on his lap and he’s lying on a park bench, staring right at him and licking his nose for a moment. “Good, you’re not dead,” he leans up and sees Maxwell handing him a water bottle and a cracker for the goat.

“Thanks,” he says before chugging the water. “I didn’t you two would be here. I forgot you were a fan of this stuff,” he gestures the bottle to the ring where somehow Millie is now fighting the local champ.

“This is for insulting my husband!” he can hear her rage screeches from his seat.

Blitzo feeds the goat the cracker, watches him lick his lips. “Eh, I’m not that into it as much since I became a paramedic,” Max says as he sits next to his ex.

“Congrats, you always wanted to help people,” Blitzo states with a sad smile. He looks over and saw Stolas with Loona and Tex, watching the match. “You and Stolas, huh? You two did go well together at the party.”

Max giggled a bit. “No, we’re just friends, he came here on his own. Said he wanted to see more of IMP City, he saw me at the med tent,” he explains before taking a candy bar out of his pocket. “He told me that you were at the party. Sorry for interrupting you guys,” he states and taking a bite of the chocolate.

“I’m sorry for what happened with us,” Blitzo says, petting EL Hombre while he’s sleeping.

Max shrugs. “College is full of regrets. I only go to Vee’s party to make sure no one gets physically hurt or too drunk. Trust me, I don’t hate you,” he offers a bite.

The imp took a small bite. “Thanks.”

Max points at the cheering prince. “And neither does Stolas. He was just going through alot. I think you should talk to him,” he explains.

Blitzo hangs his head in indecision. He wakes up the goat. “Stomp once and I’ll go talk to him twice and I won’t.” Only one stomp. “Fuck fine!” he groans before getting up from the bench. His legs shake before El Hombre helps him steady. They walked over just in time to see Millie holding a plastic belt over her head and roar in victory. The crowd disperses and Blitzo goes over to Stolas and the hounds. “Stolas?” he says to the owl, who turns around to face him.

“Yes?” he asks without a look of anger. It’s been awhile since the imp sees Stolas calm and collected.

Blitzo breathes deeply. “Wanna come with us to get El Hombre home?” he asks hopefully.

The owl shrugs. “Haven’t been to South America before. Could be fun,” he agrees. He pets the goat again and goes over to Maxwell to let him know.

Blitzo looks down at his goat friend and smiles. “You are the GOAT of goats.”

Bonus scene

IMP and Stolas are being bowed by El Hombre’s cult. They’re all terrified.