Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

April 5th 2022

When Riki opened his eyes in the morning, he knew it was going to be a good day, call it a hunch but for the first time in a while, Riki didn't wake up dreading the next few hours.

It was a sunny day with few clouds, the bakery across the street from their dorm was open so Heeseung and Jay went to get them breakfast. They ate together and then got ready for their day that would be filled with grueling schedules.

It wasn't always warm during the spring, there were few times when it was just chilly or it was pouring rain so Riki decided that it would be a great day to wear his new hoodie that’ he’d been dying to wear since he got it and a pair of Heeseung’s joggers that he forgot to give back.

He decided to take a chance and walk to the company building after breakfast, to which his members were cautious of. They weren't supposed to walk anywhere alone, for safety reasons of course but it was the early morning and it was only a twenty minute walk, his Hyungs said yes on the condition that he let them know when he got in the building.

Riki didn’t like being alone much but today was one of those days where he needed to clear his head before he was bombarded with the tedious life of being an idol. The sun shining on his skin made him refreshed. He took a moment to admire the bustling streets of Seoul and the cherry blossom trees that only come around during the spring. For such a beautiful tree it’s a shame you can see it only once a year.

A twenty minute walk had never felt so short, before he knew it, he was standing in front of the Hybe building. The idol walked in waving hello to the security guards, smiling as they nodded to him, he knew most of their names and would often make small talk when he had the chance.

He greeted the two receptionists as he walked towards the elevator and rode up to the tenth floor, the building had nineteen floors altogether but the tenth is primarily where all the artists had their dance practices. Each floor had their own respective purposes and Riki found himself wondering what they were all for, Enhypen only used the tenth, sixth, and eighth for their work but Riki used the fifth often for his Korean lessons. It was the floor where all foreign idols used for their language classes, it was normal for Riki to be curious on what the other floors in the building were used for.

They debuted a year ago but it still felt weird to be on the same floor as other well known artists, just last week while he was looking for the cafeteria after straying away from Sunghoon although after a year he should already know where all the places should be) he had bumped into Jeon Jungkook and Kim Taehyung, although he had met them before during the band’s I-Land days it was so surreal seeing them, he was completely starstruck and stuttered a bit when they asked him if he needed help of course he took the offer and they showed him the way to the cafeteria.

Coincidentally they were also having lunch with their group as well so Riki was happy he didn't bother them too much. He hoped that he would bump into them again, to give them a proper thanks, the ride up seemed shorter than usual. Soon enough the doors to the elevator opened and he got out.

Riki had eaten before he had left, his Hyungs had brought sandwiches, but walking towards their usual practice room he saw their vending machine had been restocked with his favorite snacks and he’d been feeling withdrawal symptoms for a while so he took the chance and got himself a Homerun Ball, it was a chocolate filled ball snack that he was obsessed with but it had been out of stock for weeks now so Riki had to get it before his love ran out on him again.

Walking into the big room he noticed it was empty, he knew the other six would be here shortly but expected to see their dancing instructor, he was always there before them. He’d show up thirty minutes early to stretch his body and get ready for the usual two hour session.

Although Riki hated stretches it was a key role in any dance routine and he had been struggling a lot with the practice for the comeback so he wanted to be ready to dance his ass off. 20 minutes had passed, as the young boy was getting up to throw away his snack, the door had opened, the seven people he had been waiting on for a little longer than expected had arrived, and so the torture for the day began.

“Ni-ki, off beat and slow again!” Baek-su their choreographer practically yelled as the groups worked through the dance for their lead single for their new album, they’d been learning the choreography for the past week and today was the third day of practice, to get down all the moves and details but for some reason Riki was always messing up. Riki grunted under his breath, closing his eyes in disappointment just like that, all his hard work went down the drain he told himself he would be better today. He had gotten up early and walked to the studio so he could be better but he wasn’t and he could feel it too.

It had been almost three hours of practice, three hours of going through the routine one step at a time and just when he thought he had it down, he was utterly disappointed. He felt like a lost cub stumbling through the forest with no sense of direction, relying on the people around him to figure out which way to go. He was dancing worse than he was when he was in I-land, back then he could try and make mistakes but here was a different ball game, he couldn't make mistakes and hoped the older boys around would help him get up, here he was just letting the team down. If Eunwoo were still here, maybe it would be better. He thought, opening his eyes and seeing the concerned looks his Hyungs were giving him, that only made the shame he felt worse. There was a part of him that deeply wanted to run out of the studio, find an empty dark room and just hide, shield himself away from the embarrassment.

The verse ended and the choreographer paused the music. "This - It's good so far. A few corrections– Heeseung, you need to spread your right further out when you do the slight lunge, during this part," he demonstrated, "Sunghoon, you don't have to keep your arms so stiff and close together, you can move your arms a little more but not too fast in this move, and..." He paused, turning to Riki. "I'm just confused because last week you were learning the moves flawlessly but today we have this problem, you're not executing the choreography sharply enough. This choreography is supposed to be smooth but sharp, right? You’re falling behind and I know that you can do better." Baek-su wasn't wrong, he was just brutally honest, the taller man was talking to everyone about their mistakes and what they should be different to improve but still Riki felt like he was being personally targeted, like everyone else’s mistakes wasn't at the center table and his was the only ones on display.

“I’m sorry, I’ll try harder” Riki responded, shifting his eyes from the other members to their choreographer, seeing the disappointment in his eyes making his own shame worse. He was trying but he also knew that the choreographer was right, he wasn't making tiny little mistakes like the rest of them, he was a whole step behind and still was failing to get the routine right.

“I don't need you to try, I need you to focus and do it right, Alright, let's go again” He called out.

The boys nodded, getting into position. “The full song, I want this to be the last run through”

Riki took a deep breath, shaking off his nerves, following in suit with the other members, and looking towards the full-length mirrors. For some reason, he felt a little unsettled, like there was a tiny scab making its way into his mind, interfering with how he was communicating with his body, unfortunately he didn't have the time to dwell as the music started, he tried to let his body move, to feel the music and let go with the rhythm but he just couldn’t.

Riki felt like his body had completely disconnected from his mind, he was trying so hard to make his dancing as fierce and smooth as the others but it wasn't working, it felt like his limbs were giving up on him, taking the next train out of town and leaving his mind to do the rest on their own, he was sweating more than usual, he couldn't tell if it was because he was extremely nervous or embarrassed.

It was getting harder to breathe and his chest felt like it was going to explode. He shifted his gaze to the floor needing something to keep him steady, he couldn't look up, seeing his members execute the choreo perfectly while he stumbled about, couldn't look at the choreographer, meeting his annoyed face staring back at him.

Riki had been so lost in his head that he didn't realize he had missed his cue and stumbled back and stepped on Jake’s foot, the older boy reaching out to steady and keep him from falling back and hitting his head on the hardwood. Jake stopping to help the younger boy caused Sunoo to bump into him and almost fall if it wasn't for his quick reflexes but that small instance caused the whole routine to fall off.

“Stop, stop, stop.” Their choreographer called out, frowning at the young boy, cutting the music, and Riki knew he was doomed.

“What’s going on with this kid?” The choreographer mumbled to himself, but Riki heard the words loud and clear, and even though he asked himself this question again for the past hour, the words still hurt, he was trying his best and even that wasn't enough.

The Japanese boy felt like his heart was beating out of his chest, like something was weighing him down and that was the reason why he was so off today.

"Okay, um," Jungwon said, " How about we take a five-minute break? We’ve been on this for hours, I think some of us might be a little tired."

"That's a good idea." The choreographer decided. "You guys- get water, have a snack, Ni-ki, I better see perfection when I come back.”

While everyone left their positions to grab some refreshments, Riki stood in place, looking toward the floor again. He thought today was going to be great, but instead he’s being scolded for every move he makes. He wanted so desperately to join the others, needing a simple drop of water to lift his strengths but he didn't feel deserving of it. Riki didn't go as hard as Jay, Heesung and the others, all he did was make mistakes after mistakes and caused them to lose formation. Riki was broken out of his thoughts of self pity when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Ni-ki?” It was Jungwon.

Riki jumped at the sudden contact, looking up and meeting his eyes. “Hey.” His heart rate spiked a little. Jungwon was going to scold him, deep down he knew that. The leader was disappointed in his dance performance, but he couldn't handle another person being disappointed in him when he was already disappointed in himself.

Choreography was one of the important part of a comeback, and he had already messed that up, he was falling behind while everyone else was going further to success, maybe Jungwon had decided to take him out of the comeback completely, he had messed up the recording for one of their songs two weeks ago and now the dance was off, all because of him. It was so obvious that he couldn't do this. His parts were easy enough that anyone could do them. Riki hoped that his brain was just messing with him and Jungwon was just coming over to praise him for his somewhat good job today.

He wanted to go cry, hide where he didn't have to hear the disappointed tones of his members, he looked like he wanted to breakdown, hug Jungwon as tightly as he could and sob his heart out of hours, the older boy’s eyes soften looking at the younger boy who was few inches taller than him.

“Bubs, are you okay?” Jungwon looked at Riki, a worrisome expression plastered on his face.

"What?" Riki's eyebrows furrowed.

"You seem a little... out of it, not just today but lately." Jungwon explained. "I just want to make sure that everything is okay, that you’re in a good headspace”

“Oh, um,” Riki stuttered. This conversation wasn't what he expected, and it’s not helping the butterflies from settling in his stomach either. “I’m good, I, uh, I’ve just been thinking a lot, too much going on in my head, but, I’m okay, I promise.” He fumbled with his words. His chest felt as if it was getting tighter and tighter as he kept talking, struggling to find air.

“Too much on your mind?” Jungwon smiled. “ If you’re stressed, you can take a walk, no one’s going to judge you.” He reassured the young boy, the older of the two knew they all had their breaking point and it seemed like Riki was struggling to keep up all day, so it would only be right for him to offer some time away for the younger to gather his thoughts.

Riki’s eyes widened. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go, Jungwon had every right to be mad at him, he was concerned and if he admitted that he knew he wasn't doing his best, that would be more reason to give the leader to throw him off this comeback, he would lose even more his parts, he already screwed up three songs, there could be no more setbacks, he wouldn't let it happen.

“No, it’s- I’m good, everyone has a lot on their mind right now, I don’t—” Riki fumbled over his words, his eyes continuously switching between Jungwon and the floor. “I just want to get this over with, everything’s fine, please can we just drop this?” He insisted, his mind in full panic mode.

Jungwon took notice that Riki was agitated, the younger boy clearly wanting to get out of this conversion and move on, the older still looked at him with worry. “Are you hurt? Did something happen when you came in today?”

Riki shook his head, “No” He mentally hit himself for answering the question so quickly.

His suspicions was confirmed when he saw Jungwon’s head tilt. “Where? What’s wrong?” If his eyes could soften more, they would’ve.

“ No, no, nothing happened, I promise I’m fine.” Riki felt like he was pleading now, desperately trying to convince the older boy that he was okay when deep down, he was far from it, he didn't want to attract any more attention, sometimes he wished his hyungs didn't care because then he wouldn't feel like he was a burden.

Jungwon frown didn’t falter. “Riki, I know you’re putting on a brave face, but something’s obviously wrong, if you’re injured, it’s okay to take a break, hiding it, pushing through the pain, it’s- it’s not a good idea.” He sighed, shaking his head. if something was wrong, you have to tell me, or someone, just don’t keep it in.”

My dancing can’t be that bad, can it? I know I’ve been a little sloppy but- does everyone think I’m hurt? Riki’s heart started racing going though all the possibilities that his teammates were thinking about him.

Riki nodded. “Right, I- I know I’m fine really, just need a minute.” Riki tried one last time to reassure the older boy, partly to get him off his case but also because he just wanted this little nightmare to end, wanted to finish this so he could go hide away from all the disappointed and worried looks.

“Alright.” Jungwon sighed in defeat, he wouldn’t be able to get through to the youngest, he knew something was wrong, Riki had been a little off for the past two weeks now and as much as Jungwon tried to talk the tall boy would just brush it off, he thought maybe today would be different, he was wrong.

“Okay guys, break’s over” The choreographer announced and soon enough the seven boys were back into formation, starting the choreography from the top.

Riki was thinking too much, he knew that. But he needed to focus and the only way to do that was to think about his movements, he needed to brain to concentrate on the next steps but he was thinking too much, his mind was all over the place. He tried to block everything out, to stop thinking and just move to the beat, even tried counting it out, but nothing worked, he either went too fast or too slow, which he got reprimanded for, did not help his already deflating confidence much. As time went on, everyone got tired and Riki’s movements got more sloppy.

By the time practice ended, Riki felt completely hopeless and exhausted. His heart hadn't stopped pounding, his legs felt as they would give out. He wanted to call it a day and go home, take a nice long shower and hide in his bed, pretending like this day wasn't a complete failure. So in the moment where everyone had gathered their things up, he made the decision to ask of one his Hyungs if he could stay behind a little while longer so he could sharpen his skills, the only problem was finding who to ask.

Riki loitered near the center of the room, glancing between the six boys, determined who would be best to convince, Jay and Sunghoon had been hovering around him all day, making sure he ate breakfast before he left, or had water and money, they had been eying him since practice started, they were worried for him, there was no chance they would let him stay behind. Jungwon pulled him aside because he was concerned Riki was hurt so that was another no, Jake and Sunoo weren't even an option, they would drag the boy out if they have too, that leaves Heesung, his oldest Hyung, the more laid back less cautious he was tired, extremely drained from all their schedules so it was likely that he would say yes, although Riki felt a bit guilty using the oldest’s exhaustion to get what he wanted. But he wouldn't get the answer he wanted from the others so he pushed his guilt back and walked over to the blue haired boy, who was by the front door, in the midst of packing up his bag.

“Hyung,” He said, Heeseung looking up from his phone as Riki approached.

“Hey,” Heeseung smiled. “ So, me and Jay and cooking tonight, any recommendations? ” He asked, eyes full of joy, the two oldest barely cooked together it was only rare occasions that Jay would let anyone in the kitchen with him, especially Heeseung, it hurt the young boy to decline his offer. Riki get comfort in knowing that the oldest look to him for suggestions on what to cook for whole group. Riki wanted to relax and enjoy his night at home with his Hyungs enjoying a plate of delicious food but deep down he knew that he couldn’t, his mind was at crossroads, he didn’t think he deserved a chance to relax after the trouble he caused today.

“Thanks, but I was thinking of staying back a little longer so I can keep working on the choreography, I wasn’t exactly on my feet today” Or this week, he thought. Riki hadn’t been good all week, he was falling behind when he should’ve been on top and he hoped Heesung understood, hoping he was too tired to argue and just went along with what the younger boy wanted.

“No, that’s not a good idea, We all have hard days and I know it’s been rough this past week but it’s best not to dwell on them and move on, you’ll be better tomorrow.” Heeseung put a hand on his shoulder as a way of comfort, but Riki only took this as pity. “You’ll only stress yourself out, and that doesn’t help anyone.”

“N-No, that’s not true, I want to work through a few parts, it won’t take long, I promise,” Riki pleaded, feeling desperate, it felt like the conversation with Jungwon all over again the older boy thinking he’s right and the younger trying to prove his point. This had to work, he had to get Heeseung to agree before the others came over, trying to convince one was hard enough but two would be impossible.

“Yeah the last time you said that you weren’t back home, fit three hours after you said this would only take one.” Heeseung reminded that young boy, Riki remembered that day, he didn't have his phone on him because it had died, he and Eunwoo had ended up having more to work then they expected and the former instructor was to focused on the choreography to tell the boys himself, they ended up leaving the studio at 2am, when the young boy had arrived back at the dorms, Heeseung, Jay and Jungwon was still up waiting for him, he was scolded for 10 minutes before they took his phone privileges away and he went to bed, Riki wasn’t allowed to stay back after practice ended anymore, he had hoped after a few months his Hyung's would have forgotten about that.

“But that’s was months ago, I won’t be long this time, and I won’t be able to move on from my mistake if I can’t work through them.” The young boy tried to reason, Heeseung shaking his head and looking back up with a slightly irritated expression.

“Riki, I said no.” Heeseung sighed, Riki looked away trying to calm himself down as his hands balled into fists at his sides in frustration. ”Come on, let’s go.”

“But Heeseung-“

“No buts Riki, come on,” Heeseung responded, grabbing his bag on the floor.

“All I’m asking for one hour, Hyung, just one hour and I’m be home, I promise.” Riki begged. Heeseung sighed, glancing at his phone then back at Riki, this boy wouldn’t take no for an answer, the older boy needed to stand his ground, although that wouldn't be the case tonight.

“As of right now, is it eight thirty, I want walking through that door by ten, or you lose all of your games, am I clear?” Heeseung said and Riki smiled, happy he got the answer he desperately wanted.

“Ten got it, thank you. ” He smiled, hugging the older boy, although Heeseung seemed hesitant, wanting to go back on his word and drug the youngest with him, Riki on the other hand was happy, he was ready to get handed with defeat but the universe seemed to take a liking to him in this moment, he let go of the older boy, turned around heading over to the speakers before Heeseung had the chance to open his mouth again.

Ten o’clock, or I’m sending reinforcements.” He called after Riki, the younger boy looking backing and nodding. Out of the corner of his eye, the young boy could see Jay shaking his head and Jake walking over to Heeseung, like older boy, the Australian boy  wasn't sure that it was a good idea to let Riki keep practicing, the younger boy had no doubt that it was the topic of their whispers but Heeseung had already made up his mind so Jake would have to deal with it, he could tell everyone had their doubts but he would prove them wrong.
Jungwon approached the boy.

“Seriously, be back by ten. we have a busy schedule tomorrow, we're all getting up early, alright?”

“Yes Hyung,” Riki nodded. Jungwon looked didn't look satisfied with his answer but took it anyway, shaking and sighing softy as he turned to leave, following along with the rest. The moment the door shut and he could no longer hear the footsteps of his friends, the young boy smiled, after being surrounded by people for the past two weeks he was finally alone, he finally had some time to himself.

The walk to the studio was fine but it wasn’t enough. Now he had a full hour to himself, he switched the speakers back on and blasted the demo of their new song through the sound system of the studio, walking back to the center of the room and getting into place from the start of the part with Jay and Sunghoon, in the middle of his opening lines.

This was supposed to be simple, he was just going to go through it step by step, pinpoint every moment where he made a mistake, slow it down and get the moves down without any flaws, its simple, he could do this because he had been multiple times before, it didn't matter that there was a little ball in chest that ran through like a fatal disease, telling that he was going to fail, that no matter how hard he tried he just wasn't good enough because it was just some stupid voices in his ear and he could ignore them and get through this choreography without any problems, he was on his own now, just him, his mind and the music, and Nishimura Riki wasn't going to let the stupid voices get in the way of doing what he loved.

At least, it wasn’t supposed to.

Just like during practice he couldn't turn his mind off no matter how hard he tried, no matter how many times he ran through it he just couldn't get his parts right. Either he would get it right and then mess up during the whole walkthrough or it would fail all together.

 Riki was seconds away from having a break down, the boy wanted nothing more than to sit down, curl into a ball and cry his heart out. He was frustrated and tired. Months ago, he was fine, he didn't struggle with any lines during recording or have any hard times with the choreography but now, he was a mess and he couldn't figure out why, he couldn't help but think what’s wrong with him? He was perfect and now he couldn't do anything right. He thought. Exhausted, he let himself fall to his knees, thoughts of self doubt running through his mind as he looked into that disgusting mirror, its as though his reflection was taunting him, staring back at nothing but shell of someone who used to be good, he wanted to give up, his wrist was cramping and his chest and legs were aching from just how hard he’d been pushing his body not only to knock these parts down but to get rid himself of the voices, the dark reflection of him, but the dark shadow had already made itself comfortable.

Riki let himself drop against the cold floor of the studio without so much a fight, he tried his best and although the other boy in the mirror would say otherwise, he couldn't bring himself to listen, eyes squeezing shut and teeth clenching as he let out a relived groan as his overheated body felt peace using the sleeve of his brown jacket to wipe his face as he tried to catch his breath. He felt like something inside him was deteriorating, like some system had malfunctions and was setting off this chain reaction of failures back to abc and he couldn't fix it no matter how hard he pushed, something that was once second nature without so as a misstep how now become tangled in a cobweb displayed in front, mocking him, making note of every failed attempt, he was trapped in a cobweb of his own failures, and he was struggling to get out, to break free so that he could get better. And so he laid there going through a cycle of breathing, and disappointment, he couldn't get up and face his reflection.

Riki didn't know how long he laid on the floor, maybe minutes,  maybe hours, all his drowsy mind could tell you was that the floor was cool and it felt nice under his overheated body, he wanted to lay there forever, moving would only make his body arch even more and the floor was somewhat comfortable. When your a little kid and your trying your hardest to stay up but your mind is begging you to rest, and one second your on the couch watching a movie with your siblings and the next your waking up the next day in your bed not knowing how your got there, thats how Riki felt, he couldn't recall a lot that happened after he collapse, just that the floor was cool and he wanted to just stay there. Riki didn't remember the door to the studio opening, Jay and Jake coming to find him practically passed out on the floor, the two mumbling about how ‘Heeseung should've stuck to his guts, and dragged Riki back home with them.'

The two struggling to carry him out the building, and towards the van where one of their managers, Yuki was waiting for them. It was nearly midnight and they were all tired, having to leave the comforts of their home wasn't something they liked but dealt with it anyways, Riki however did remember their tired faces, he felt bad and tried to applause but nothing came out, he laid against the Jay’s shoulder the whole ride home, falling asleep to the feeling of Jake stroking his hair, although he knew they were disappointed in him, he felt comfort in knowing they still cared enough to make him feel safe.

One minute, Riki was comfortably laying on Jay and the next he was in the dorm, standing in front of the bathroom, towel and rag in hand, staring at the wood door after the two boys had forced him to eat telling him that he needs food and a nice shower before he goes to bed.  Sadly he couldn't pull himself out if his drowsiness enough to open the door. He didn't understand why they cared so much, he had been messing up all week, so why were they still going easy on him? All day he wanted one of his Hyungs to scold him, say what they were truly feeling and yet, nothing.

It wasn't until Jay went up to help while Jake was cleaning up the kitchen, that Riki walked into the bathroom and started to wash himself up. It didn't take long for him to fully clean himself but for some reason he couldn't get out. The drain in the bathtub was stuck so usually the water would just rise, Riki wondered what would happen if he just let the water keep going, eventually the tub would overflow and he could just sink himself, it seemed like the easiest way to go. it would be just like sleeping, he wouldn't have to fight.

Suicidal thoughts wasn't a new thing for the youngest, he always planned it out  but he could never go through with the dying part  but maybe this time would be different  Everyone was asleep, no one would even notice he was missing or hear the water flood the floors, it would be easy, so what was stopping him now, he’d been in the tub with the water running form the drain for about ten minutes now, it was slow but it was close to the brim, and when it reached the top, took the drain plug and put in, turned off the water and just sat down, just staring at his reflection, pulling his knees to his chest.

He wondered how everyone who loved him would feel, would his bandmates even care? He’d been a huge disappointment all week, despite their reassurances he knew he was weighing them down. Their staff would always look at him with love and concern but at the end of day, it's their job to care so would their feelings about his death even matter? Would they cry or just move on because Riki was just a client, a small part of their lives? His sisters, Konon and Sora, they haven't seen him in 3 years, they probably don't remember what he looks like. The photos they’ve seen on the internet? Those aren't real, how could they miss someone they don't even recognize.

Dying sounded so nice, and it was so easy, the water would cover his body and his mouth into his lungs, his body would desperately be fighting for oxygen that he wouldn't give, they wouldn't notice until the morning and then it would be to late and Riki would be at peace, no longer a shell of disappointment. Slowly the young boy pulled himself down, welcoming the void below with open arms. 

Chapter Text

April 6th 2022

Riki doesn’t remember falling asleep, much less leaving the bathroom, and crawling into bed, surrendering to sleep. But when he woke up the next morning, he couldn't bring himself to get up; felt as though he was trapped, entangled by the cozy mattress and warm linens that made up his bed.

He knew he needed to get up, they had a busy schedule today: vocal lessons, photoshoots, stylings, and dance practices. They all had a long day ahead of them, so really he should just get up. They all had bad days and times where they just wanted to stay in bed, and still they got up and did the work. What was wrong with him that he couldn't do the same? A few bad moments, and he was stuck. Pushing himself up, he looked around his shared room and noticed that Jungwon and Sunghoon were up, their beds were made and clean yet he wasn't, his side of the room was messy, his pillow was on the floor, and his comforter was dragging along the floor. Still he couldn't find it in himself to move. He reached over to look at his clock on his nightstand; it was eight thirty. They had two hours until they had to leave. He took his pillow from the floor and laid back in bed, covering his body with the comforter, hoping to fall back asleep or just lay in silence.

“Come on, Riki; it’s time to wake up; we have places to go.” His moment of tranquility didn’t last long; it never did. At this stage in his life, he loathed Sunghoon, groaning in discontent, tugging the blanket tighter around himself, and attempting to sink back into the warm bliss of sleep. He wished the older boy would pick up on the hint that he preferred to be left alone and that he would come to get him when it was time to leave. He heard a sigh, and all of a sudden, his blanket was yanked away from him. The chilly air rushed against his skin, causing him to draw his legs and arms tightly to his chest in a bid to regain some warmth.

“I know you’re awake; come on,” Sunghoon said, shaking the younger boy a little. Riki managed to open his eyes, sending a glare his way. Sunghoon looked unbothered, shaking his head and sending a playful yet painfully sharp smack to Riki’s side, causing the younger to jump and rub his hips in a soothing attempt.

“Up, now!” Sunghoon never raised his voice; he was always more on the quiet side, never really speaking his mind, but you could always tell when he had an opinion when he made faces. So it was evident that Sunghoon was in fact annoyed at the fact that the youngest was still in bed while everyone else was up and about. “We have a busy day; we can’t afford to be behind again; let's go.”

He averted his gaze from the older boy that stood before him. Behind again?  Riki was right; his little stunts the past few days have put them behind; he was holding the group back, all because he couldn't sing his part right and he was too slow with the choreography. Riki was failing, and he was disappointing everyone.

“Jay Hyung made pancakes and eggs; now do you want milk or orange juice?” He asked, ignoring the way Riki’s eyes shifted to the ground.

“Sleep.” He mumbled, reaching for his comforter, which was once again dragging on the floor; the only difference was the whole thing was near the edge. Sunghoon smacked his hand away.

“Juice, then. I want you up and at the table by the time I reach the kitchen.” And just as the words left his mouth, he was out of the room, leaving Riki to his thoughts. He stared at the floor, trapped in his mind. Is he the reason why this comeback's going to go south? The album release wasn't until next month, but it felt like he had already screwed everything up. 

“Riki.” Heeseung popping his head into the younger’s room, his gentle voice calling out broke him from the nightmare that was in his mind. Riki could see from the corner of his eye Heeseung’s mom's look, which basically told him to get up or he’s coming in, and Riki did not want to be bothered.

“I’m coming.” He mumbled, standing up and walking towards the oldest. Riki was not a baby; he didn't need to be watched, but Heeseung stood waiting until the younger boy was in front of him, so the youngest did try to go back to bed. They walked in silence down the hall, to the kitchen, where Jay and Jake were finishing up breakfast. Sunghoon, Sunoo, and Jungwon were already sitting at the counter, phones in hand, waiting for their plates. The smell of cinnamon pancakes and fresh eggs was delightful and made Riki realize how hungry he was; he hadn’t eaten anything since last night, and he was grateful for Jay’s cooking. It was rare that they’d all eat together in the mornings because, for the most part, they were always rushing out the door, so Riki would cherish this moment. 

“So we all have a photoshoot together, then dance practice, and then everyone is pretty much on schedule for the rest of the day. Me, Sunoo Sunghoon, and Jay have recording; Riki, Heeseung, and Jake have styling; we should be done with everything no later than six; tomorrow is an off day, so I was thinking we could just chill in the dorm, cook, and watch movies.” Jungwon said, looking around as they all sat around the table eating their breakfast.

“Sounds good.” Heeseung shrugged, the others humming in agreement as they finished up their food. Getting up to put the dishes in the sink, Jay glanced at the clock on the wall; it was nine fifteen. They had twenty minutes to get ready and out the door so they could head to the venue.

"All right, Wonie and I will wash the dishes; you guys get ready; we're leaving in thirty." Jay declared that while the other five hadn't showered, brushed their teeth, or laid out their clothes, they had already done so. Realistically, they could all be ready in fifteen minutes if they divided up the three bathrooms in the dorm, with one person brushing and taking care of their skincare while the other took a shower. Sadly, they were very unorganized. While Riki and Jake took the shortest shower, Heeseung and Sunoo took the longest. They enjoyed their privacy and would never be seen sharing their valuable time with anyone else; instead, they would prefer to shower in silence, nothing but the sounds of the water falling from the shower heads filling their ears.

“How about a game of rock paper scissors?” Jake proposed to decide who would go shower first. Sunghoon agreed, forming his hands into fists to begin the playful contest with the older boy, while the splashes of water against the glass and the concentration of Jungwon and Jay made it difficult for them to overhear the light-hearted exchange.

“Seriously? Is this really needed? We're just wasting time.” Sunoo sighed, drumming his fingers on the table while glancing at his older members. Everything seemed to be resolved through a game with those two. Heeseung beamed, admiring the duo as he watched, appreciating how despite their demanding schedules, they always managed to inject some fun into their day. Being famous and constantly in the public eye could be exhausting, but moments like these helped alleviate the pressure; he was grateful that they could still be kids. 

Riki, however, was already out of the room as soon as Jay suggested they leave, knowing his Hyungs would likely go through several rounds before deciding to stop and get ready. He wasn't interested in their antics, so he shook his head and made his way down the hallway to his room, heading straight to his closet to choose an outfit for the day. The stylists would have three or more clothing sets prepared for him for the shoot, and since it didn't matter what he wore for dance, he quickly sifted through his options and settled on light green joggers and a brown t-shirt. Setting his clothes on the bed, he made his way to the door, picked up his towel, and went to the bathroom. He could hear Jake and Sunghoon laughing and moving their hands; he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Sunoo and Heeseung had also left. More than likely, they were tired of watching the two and took advantage of the chance to prepare themselves.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝

The venue for the shoot was unusual; it was an old, run-down building that looked like an abandoned warehouse. There was moss growing on the sides of the place, and flowers and weeds had grown from within the cracks of the stones. Jungwon and the others also had a weird bad feeling about this, but Sohee assured them that this was fine; the exterior wasn't relevant, but what was inside and props for the concepts was what mattered the most. 

As they walked in the dressing room, greeting the stylist with smiles, Riki found himself wanting to hurl; he was nervous; photoshoots had never been a favorite part of the schedule; there were always so many outfits and sets they had to do in one day; just as they wrapped up one, they were getting ready to do another. He always struggles to find the perfect pose; finding the right place of where he should be stationed at, photoshoots made him nervous, and the process before, in the dressing room, made it less easy. 

The boys all got their outfits for the shoots and went toward their assigned rooms. Although they were told the concept of the shoot before hand, Riki was still confused on his outfit. The concept was similar to an afterschool hangout; there would be streetwear, graffiti, and skateboards; they would be wearing clothes that represent an afterschool, colorful but school-appropriate style, so Riki was content when he saw that he had a simple black tee with a sleeveless pink and white jacket and some cream-colored pants but was confused on why he had a set of boxers. Why would he need a set of undergarments when he was wearing one already?

Although, like everything else, he doesn't question it and just puts on the outfit. The clothing fit perfectly, but the pants were a little low, showing a little bit of the boxers he was wearing. He tried to cover it with the jacket, but it was too small. Confused, he walked out of the room and grabbed his stylist. 

“Mai, the pants are a little low; do you have another pair?” He asked the blonde.

She chuckled. “It's supposed to be low, your waist is on tiny display, your style is all 'wear what I want, when I want,' and you look good.” Riki frowned in response; he didn’t want to be on display; he didn't want the world to see what type of boxers he was wearing; it was weird.

Is this how it's going to be for the music videos too?

“It’ll be fine; I wouldn’t make you do this if I didn’t think it wasn’t a good move.” She touched his shoulder, trying to reassure him that this was a good thing, that it was only for this shoot, and that it wasn’t a big deal, but the boy didn't feel any comfort, but he did trust Mai, so he would just deal with it, uncomfortable or not. 

The reaming six filled the common room and then they were off, Riki looked at the others, they were all covered up, head to toe, the only thing showing were there arms and legs, Jay and Jungwon wore shorts and sleeveless jackets while the others were pants and short sleeve shirts with jackets wrapped around their waists, they weren't exposed so why was he? Why was Riki the only one who had the whole ‘wear what I want, when I want.’ concept.

Walking into the room, Riki  tried not to flinch from the blinding, bright flashes from the cameras that seemed to be at every corner. 

Although he wasn't a fan of photoshoots, his members enjoyed it so he would push back his concerns for his outfits and his nerves and get through the next two hours, for them. 

 The shoot started out with them near a broken shipping container, it looked a little tight, two small for seven boys to fit in. 

“Jungwon, Sunoo, do me a favor and come closer to the front?” Their director instructed, pointing his finger towards the two boys before traveling his gaze to the members surrounding them. He looked at all of them; the vision he had was good—the three youngest in the front, crouching down, while the other four were in the back, standing there, protectively.

The two boys nodded and moved forward as the rest of the group fixed their own positions. 

“Sunghoon look a little to the left, like your staring into space. Jay lean closer to Heesueng. Jake, keep your face up as though you're looking down on them, but look down!” Moving across each boy to check where their stances needed to be adjusted, the man went on.

The group did what their director told them to do and did their best to follow all of his instructions. But the man still didn't look happy.

“Something’s off….” He muttered to himself as he stepped back to get a better view of them together.

The director's eyes swept over each member, taking in the sight of all seven boys and attempting to determine what was causing the chaos. But his quest was cut short the instant his eyes met Riki's.

The older man made eye contact with Riki, and the brunette could feel the heat of his stare piercing his skin.

Riki made the realization that that he was the problem at that point. He was reason everything was being thrown off by him.

Like always. 

Under the man's critical gaze, Riki squirmed uneasily, feeling almost like an ant that was about to be crushed.

“Hey, tall one, could  go in the back? Just switch with Jake?”  The director gave the command, indicating to Riki where Jake was standing at the time.

The tall one? Is that how people see me? The kid who grew over 5 inches in only three years.

Riki nodded and forced a smile on before reluctantly getting up and taking Jake's place. The irritated expression on the older boy's face told him he wanted to say something, but the brunette dismissed it. He wouldn't let a minor accident spoil the shoot, so it wasn't a huge concern if he forgot his name. The cameras had been switched back on before Riki could blink, and the boys had hurried into their positions.

Riki caught a glimpse of the members around him and was struck by how well they all looked together. Their appearance was exceptional, their charms were swoon-worthy, and their smiles were perfect. 

But Riki? He wasn't a match. 

He was the tallest member, which in retrospect should be a good thing, but certain clothing had to fit for him; it was embarrassing; he didn't have any distance face features like Sunghoon, everyone swoon over his moles, and Jungwon, the fierce leader; his dimples weren’t something people could resist; he didn't have feminine features like Sunoo; he didn't have a cool accent like Jake; he wasn't charismatic like Jay and Heeseung; all he had was his height, and even that was too much.

Riki was immediately reminded not to let the fake smile leave his face by the camera clicks and flashes that reverberated throughout the space. For the remainder of the shoot, Riki ignored his thoughts and concentrated on perfecting every posture, just like he had done countless times before, dismissing the persistent thoughts of how terrible he must have looked standing next to his members.

At the end of the day, Nishimura Riki would be fine.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝

In the practice room, the gang was spread out along the sides, all stretching and warming themselves up for the day. Riki had forced himself into the best side split he could manage so that he could stretch out his leg muscles and allow his upper body to sag. His head was ducked, and his arms were folded on the floor with his forehead resting against them. He had spent a considerable amount of time in the same position, lost in his thoughts and forgetting that he needed to be waking up his body in order to prepare for their practice, and that simply stretching his hip flexors and adductor muscles most definitely wasn't a good enough warm-up. Although he wasn't in the mood to change his position just yet, he needed to be perfect today. 

Riki looked around the room; the others were either stretching or doing certain parts of the choreography; a part of him felt jealous; they all seemed to be taking it easy, not overexercising themselves and learning everything with ease; that used to be him; during his trainee days and especially I-land, he could learn a simple move with minutes, but they had been on the same choreography for the same song for a day now, and he wasn't getting any better; he was the dance leader; he should be leading them, not the other way around. What changed? He used to be good; he used to be perfect. Lost in his thoughts once again, he didn't notice that their choreographer, Baek-Su, a man that Nishimura Riki dreaded seeing every day, was in the room and was silently waiting for the youngest to pay attention. 

The older man shook his head, looking at Riki, then looking at the other six. He was disappointed, coming in and seeing everyone preparing themselves for a long practice and then seeing the youngest, off on space, in the corner of the room, and then had to wait until the boy regained consciousness of the world around him; time was being wasted and he couldn't handle the unprofessionalism. 

Practice started off fine; Baek-su counted them off as the music started; Riki felt confident; the choreographer counted them off as the music started; and the boys got into formation. He didn't seem to have a hard time following along with everyone, and they all seemed to be in sync. 

Everything was going well until he made a mistake. Riki had missed his cue; he had frozen in place where he was supposed to move out of the way for Jay to be in the center, which caused the older boy to trip and fall. Once that happened, Riki was off the rest of practice, off key, too slow, not good enough. He was surprised Baek-su didn't reprimand him; he just watched, not saying anything but telling the boys to start over.

After about two hours, they finished the run-through; they all praised one another, but Riki felt like he didn't deserve it; he wasn't as good as the others; only success deserved praise.

Riki was starting to feel that it wouldn't hurt to at least attempt to persuade Heeseung to change his mind after a less-than-satisfactory practice, even though Heeseung had made it obvious before they left this morning that he wouldn't be so comfortable with Riki remaining back to overwork himself again. Even though he was obviously exhausted, Heeseung was ahead of him, and when Riki went up to the the eldest after practice, Heeseung was already putting an end to his arguments before he could even open his mouth.

“No,” he said firmly. "I understand how you feel, but i’m putting my  foot down.  You broke your promise yesterday, so you no longer have the ability to stay late to practice, and that’s the end of our discussion.” Riki was shocked by his harsh remarks as the blue-haired boy picked up his tote bag. However, he was not one to give up lightly.

“But if could I just stay for-“

“No! And thats final. Get your bag and jacket, and let’s go!” Heeseung snapped, practically glaring at the youngest, under the elder’s gaze Riki felt like if he even breathed, Heeseung would say something worse. His ears rang with guilt and his cheeks turned scarlet as embarrassment washed over him like a horrible tidal wave. He was aware that everyone, including their choreographer was staring at them and that Heeseung had just reprimanded him like a mischievous child, which was extremely demeaning. For the thousandth time in the last two days, Riki felt the overwhelming want to cry come up inside of him. He clinched his teeth and reminded himself that he couldn't afford to appear any weaker than he already did. 

“I’ll stay back with him; we shouldn’t be long. You guys head down, and I’ll send him your way when we’re done.” Baek-su offered, sensing the tension between the eldest and the youngest; he knew how the young boy would think about his mistakes and try to fix them so the older man would offer his support.

Although not liking the idea of Riki staying back for the third time, pondering over his mistakes, Heeseung complied. 

“We’ll come find you if we have too.” Jake said, also no liking the idea of him staying back, but knowing he would be in good hands.

Sunoo and Jungwon on the other hand felt a little uneasy, they knew how the older man get easily frustrated yesterday, and how Riki felt afterward, but since he offered they hoped that Riki would have it easy today, especially  with how he he makes it hard on himself for the mistakes that aren't even noticeable.

 “Cafeteria, straight after, no side quests.” Sunghoon said, walking out the door of the practice room.

“Okay, cafeteria, got it.” Riki nodded, watching the others follow Sunghoon in pursuit of the Cafeteria of some well deserved food. 

The room seemed quiet now; it was just him and Baek-su, which should've made the room feel lively, but Riki didn't exactly believe the older man liked him; he was always pointing out his mistakes and putting him on display, which made him feel small, but nonetheless Riki was grateful Baek-su offered to help him.

Baek-su approached the speaker in front of the wall and began talking. "I need a favor from you before we begin." He placed the song on repeat and started it up on his phone. "Consider this a deal: you do something for me, and I do something for you. I don't usually spend my spare time helping you guys."

That phrase forced Riki to look up from the bench at the rear of the room. He pulled his pants down and took his jacket off his waist as he approached the older man. His hands trembled as he sat on his knees facing the man with the raven hair. He prepared himself to serve him.

“Kid, what the hell are you doing!?” The older man turned, a little shocked.  With a puzzled expression. "Get off the floor now."

Riki was unable to speak; instead, he simply glanced down, unable to face Baek-su's eyes, which were filled with disappointment and judgment, but he had seen that expression before. He scrambled to his feet, grabbed his luggage, pulled up his trousers, and fled the room. He should have gone downstairs to have lunch with his Hyungs, but he couldn't. Ignoring the glances from others surrounding him, he ran down the hallways, took the elevator to the floor below, and searched for the closest room. He needed a place where he could be alone, free from prying eyes and people who would bother him with too many questions. 

Riki found himself on the floor where all the recording studios were; that’s, the studios were soundproof, so he could cry or scream as much as he wanted too; no one would hear.

He was about to head straight for the sofa when he opened the door to the first studio on his left and slammed it shut, only to discover that someone was already seated at the desk. He hesitated, attempting to compose an apology, but before he could finish, the guy behind the desk turned around and removed a pair of headphones.

“Ni-ki-ah,” Taehyung grinned and made eye contact with the younger boy.  “What’s on going? You seem to be in a panic, are you okay?” He inquired.

"Taehyung." Riki stumbled, forcing himself into a bow, as his thoughts appeared to short circuit while he struggled to come up with a suitable honorific to use when referring to his senior. "S-Sunbaenim," he mumbled. "I apologize for disturbing you."

"No need to apologize," Taehyung said with a smile. "And just Hyung is good," he continued. Riki gave a rigid nod, her stomach churning at the very mention. He didn't have a strong relationship with Taehyung; even though he had been a big assistance to the group and had even invited them to dinner a month prior, he still felt uncomfortable using that term. Taehyung patted the sofa next to the desk and beckoned him over. Rising from the floor, Riki walked to the couch and sat down on the edge.

“What are you working on?” He asked, glancing at the computer screen which displayed the timeline of an audio file.

"I'm just making minor adjustments to a song that Jimin and I wrote a while ago. It's finished."Taehyung looked at the boy through the computer screen's reflection and replied.

“Is it just for you two or the whole group?” Riki asked.

"It's actually for Soobin and the others; Jimin and I decided to give it to our dongsaengs after initially writing it for the group." Taehyung turned the chair around to face the younger.

Riki hummed in response. He found it sweet that they would write a song for them. The two groups must be really close; he hopes one day he and the boys could be close enough with another group will be able to have dinners or lunch together and hang out at each other’s place after hours.

“But enough about me.” The curly haired man looked at the brunette with a worrisome expression, “What’s going on with you? You looked startled when you came in.” Taehyung had a knack for knowing when someone wasn’t okay, and he could tell that the younger was trying to distract himself from attending to what was going on in his mind by trying to make conversation.

Riki wasn't the type to confide in anyone, much less someone he wanted to be close to, but Taehyung felt safe. “I did something really embarrassing.”

Taehyung raised his brow and chuckled, he wasn't laughing at the younger by but at he fact the he came in here all distressed because he did something embarrassing which was most likely something small.

Riki put on a fake smile, he was starting to regret saying anything, although the older man probably had no ill intentions. 

"Embarrassing things happen every day; the important thing to keep in mind is that those moments don't define you and that you will experience them a lot. However, you must laugh it off because one day something else will happen to you or to someone else, and you will forget about that one day forever." Since Riki knew what Taehyung was saying was truthful, he finds solace in the fact that he places a hand on his thigh. He recalls how the two youngest members of BTS told them about their embarrassing moments during their debut; they knew more about embarrassing themselves than anyone else.

“But what if its something I can’t come back from” Riki asked, worried that what happened  would the state of their comeback if Baek-su would be uncomfortable around him from now on. 

“You can come back from anything, its just one stone in road you have to push, you’ll be okay, I know it.” Taehyung smiled, giving him a pat on his thigh. 

After a satisfying talk, Riki thanked Taehyung and wished him luck on the song before leaving the room to go to the elevator and meet the other people in the cafeteria. As he arrived at the elevator, he noticed that both of his bosses were wearing anxious looks. He wondered whether Jungwon was aware of the issue and whether it was significant enough to impact their album

"Riki-ssi," Sohee said calmly, but the boy could tell she was serious.

"We need to talk." The woman's thought was completed by Yuki. They turned to the brunette and pressed the metal panel's emergency stop button. 

This couldn't be good. 

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝

It’s not that Riki didn't believe in therapy; he just didn't think he had a reason to go. A lot of people go to therapy to help them overcome their trauma or to have a third party to help them figure out problems in their lives, but Riki didn't have any problems; he was perfectly fine. Which is why he had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that his manager was now ignoring his wants and dragging him to therapy. Because of one small mishap, what kind of therapist takes walk-in sessions anyway? Is this person even licensed? Maybe this was the plan all along—to get him a therapist in secret and then just wait until he broke, until something happened that would give Yuki and Sohee no choice but to drag this poor, fragile boy to finally talk about what happened. But maybe Riki is just in this head again, making up scenarios to try and understand all of this, either way he didn't like it. He didn’t like that Baek-su went to his managers about what happened in the practice room; he didn't like that Yuki basically talked to him like a child about it afterwards; and he didn't like how the two pulled together and made him go. 

Riki sat on the cream-colored couch of Dr. Leigh-Anne Porter’s office, just staring—not at her because that would be creepy, but at the clock. He watched as the time went by; slowly, he felt he had been here for ages, but truthfully, it had only been a mere ten minutes—ten excruciating minutes. She stared at him, waiting for him to open his mouth, to speak on something he vowed never to utter again, only ever to be brought up in dreams. That’s what he hated about therapy; you had to talk, what's the insurance pays for, and here he was wasting this poor woman’s time, and his, Riki, could be doing better things than just mindlessly staring at a clock in a doctors office; it's a Wednesday afternoon and all work schedules are done; he could be reading or playing games with Jake; anything else but sitting in a room with a woman in a pink sweater and denim jeans staring him down. 

Dr. Porter sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t know a lot about why you’re here, but from what your manager, Sohee, told me, it has something to do with your old dance coach; do you want to talk about it?” Riki turned his head from the clock, focusing his attention on her. He didn't want to answer the question, but he wanted to be respectful.

Shaking his head, he started to speak. “I don’t want to talk about him.” 

“Why not?” Dr. Porter tilted her head. “If he’s the root of your problem, then it's good to talk; let out all your feelings.”

Riki turned away, looking at the clock again. It's already been thirty minutes; the session was almost over—just another thirty, and then he’d be out of here, then he’d get to go home.

Dr. Porter took his silence as an answer, nodding her head and writing something down on her notepad. The sound of pen meeting paper made his head turn. 

When did she get that? 

When he had first entered her office, she said that whatever was said in this room stays in this room, so why did she have paper and pens? What purpose would they serve? Notes maybe? But he hasn't said anything that was really important, so what could she possibly be writing? 

“This will only work if you talk to me. I want to help you, but I can't do that if you keep whatever’s going on bottled up." She looked up from her writing, giving him a reassuring smile, indirectly letting him know that this is a safe space for him.

The young boy dressed in blue remained silent, waiting for the clock to hit three.

“Was he fired or did he quit?” She asked, closing her notepad and pushing it to the side.

Riki understood the question but was confused on how to answer. Eunwoo’s departure from the company was confusing because the board of directors did plan to fire him, but he had dirt on them; he said it himself: if he went down, the company would go down with him. All Riki knew was that one day he was pleading and begging for them not to fire his favorite mentor, and the next day, the man was gone; not even a goodbye was sent his way. Hong Eunwoo simply disappeared.

“I-I guess he was fired, yeah” He mumbled. 

“Why?” 

Riki sighed, shaking his head. He really didn't want to talk about this, and although she wasn't forcing him to say anything, she was pushing to talk in a way, and under her sweet but harsh stare, he felt like he had to talk about this or else the next session would be the same. He stares at the clock until it's time to go, and she waits until he says something.

Riki looked at the clock on the wall again. Two fifty-five, only five more minutes; it seemed like a lifetime away; three o’clock couldn't come quicker.

“Eunwoo, my old dance instructor, was caught a month ago having a sexual relationship with one of his students.” Riki wiped the tears that were slowly creeping out of his eyes.

"He, um, he had a photobook of naked pictures of this boy in his office; Sohee found them. She went to his house that night and found the two of them.”

“This boy, do you know him?” Dr. Porter knew exactly who he was talking about, but she needed him to say it. Leigh Anne Porter needed Riki to say the word out loud, so he knew that it was real, so that he could be relieved of whatever feelings he had bottled up, so that he could start to heal.

Nishimura Riki had never really talked about what had happened during those two years. The first thing he did when Sohee had found out was plead with her and beg her not to tell anyone. He did the same thing when the company started to investigate; he told the board that the relationship was consensual and that he wasn't forced into anything, that what they had was special, and they couldn't fire him because Eunwoo was the only person. He truly thought that he was good enough, that he had that spark to be great. Riki wasn't a good dancer without him, and that's why he needed to stay. 

Riki looked over at her; she was already staring at him, waiting for him to speak; it seemed like they were doing this back and forth all day, waiting for the other to say something, anything. He looked back at the clock; the hand struck three.

“It’s three o'clock; our time is up.” He said, taking a glance at her, he saw her open her mouth, but he could hear nothing; all he thought about was going home, and, of course, the memories of Eunwoo filled his mind. He stood up, ready to walk towards the door and leave the office, ready to get back whatever freedom he desperately lost for those boring sixty minutes.

Dr. Porter wasn't taking his stubbornness as an answer; she stood up, walking toward him and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“The boy, who is he?” Riki didn't know why she was wasting her time; she knew the answer, why was she trying so hard to make him say it? They both knew the answer; Riki just wanted to leave; why couldn't she let him leave? 

“The-- the boy is me." He stuttered out. “Can I go now?” He asked, slightly annoyed that he was forced to open up about something he wanted to put in the past. 

Leigh Anne looked pleased, glad that he decided to give her an answer instead of walking away and ignoring the whole thing, but she wanted to stop him and tell him that he should sit back down so they could talk more; she knew he dreaded being here. No one really likes therapy, but they go because they have to. So even though she hated it, she nodded and told him to go, that the next session would be the following Tuesday, and that he should be prepared to talk.

╚═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╝

“How did everything go?” Yuki asked once they were back in the car, driving towards the company building.

“It was okay,” Riki mumbled. “She was very persistent on getting me to talk; we spent the first thirty minutes in silence; I just stared at the clock, but I, um, I talked about it a little,” he explained, staring absentmindedly at the passing cars on the highway.

“Alright,” Yuki nodded. “How do you feel about it?”

“I hate therapy.” He huffed, staring out the window, watching as the scenery and cars flew by in a blur. 

“Yeah, who really likes it? But remember, this is not to punish you; we want to help you; we did it your way before; that didn't work; this is the outcome.” Yuki’s eyes focused on the road while he put a hand on the younger boy’s shoulder as a way to comfort him, but it wasn't doing much. Riki glanced over, feeling Yuki’s hand, giving the man a nasty look. He knew that meant well; he knows they just want to help, but truthfully, he doesn't want it; he just wants to forget about it and move on, like most people do.

“Yeah, cornering me and telling me I’m going to therapy and that this is the only option is trying to help me, of course.” Riki rolled his eyes at his manager’s attempt at trying to make the situation better. 

“When something drastic happens, we have to step in. I'm sorry you don't like it, but this is what’s going to happen from now on.” Yuki pulled into the company parking lot, turning the engine off and looking towards the young boy.

“Whatever” Riki rolled his eyes again and got out of the car, walking towards the underground entrance. It was time for his English lessons; truthfully, he didn't think he needed them; he was semi-fluent in the language and could hold a conversation, but what the company says goes is that there were a few times where he would mess up in an interview, but they all would, so he didn't know why he was singled out. Everyone in the group got help with their English from Jake, so when staff told him a few weeks ago that he would be getting a little extra help, he was annoyed. Hearing the news, the three oldest wanted to ask them why it was just Riki who had extra learning outside the one person in the group who would help them all, but the brunette stopped them, telling them that it wouldn't change anything and he would just deal with it.

He arrived at the door, hesitating to go in, he was late, which Yuki had already informed his tutor, because of a personal issue but Riki knew that she would be less than happy that he was showing up twenty minutes late when the older man told her ten. Personal issues were a myth to her, the only thing that mattered was the work, and if you weren’t good at it or weren't trying you didn't care and to her Riki didn't care one bit. 

Shaking off his nerves, he went inside the room and greeted the teacher with a bow. “Good afternoon, Minji-nim.” He began to walk towards his seat, but was stopped hearing her voice. The room was set up like a classroom, with about 20 desks, a teacher’s desk, and a blackboard at the front. Riki didn't understand why, from what he knew, this room was only used for language lessons, and it was one artist with a tutor at the time, so it was strange that it was set up as a classroom and not just a lounge area, but the boy wouldn't linger on that question for now; he had bigger worries.

"Hello, Ni-ki," his tutor nodded at him. “You’re late.”

“I had a personal issue to tend you; I’m sorry I thought Yuki-min told you this morning." He stuttered. There weren't many people in the company that made the boy feel small, but Kim Miniji seemed to make it her birthright to remind Riki how she had power over him. The older woman sat in her office chair, pen in hand, with a bored and annoyed expression planted on her face.

“He did; he also told me, only ten minutes; its three twenty-five, so tell me, now that you’ve wasted half the class, should I stay here and help you?” Riki didn't know if that was a rhetorical question or not. He started to speak, but all he got in response was a sigh from the woman. All he could do was stand in the middle of the room, two inches away from his seat, just staring at her. He didn't know what to say; he looked like a deer in headlights. 

"Can I look over your worksheets from yesterday?"

Worksheets? What work, oh

"Ah," the brunette bit his lips, averting his gaze to the floor. "Um, actually, I think I forgot to do it last night."

“Did you not understand what I taught you yesterday?" she asked, and he shook his head.

“No, I did, most of it; I just forgot to do the homework.” Still looking at the floor, he heard her shoes hit the wooden tiles.

“You forgot?” She raised her voice, standing in front of him; she was two inches shorter than him, but he still felt small next to her. He forced himself to look at her again. “I know you might not understand because you’ve never set foot in a school, but when I give you work, which I have been for the past few weeks, you do it; you just don't forget to do the work; you choose not to do it, which is unacceptable.”

Disappointing everyone, that's all I’m good for. 

She rolled her eyes, smacking her teeth. 

“I’m sorry,” Riki apologized. “I just got caught up with dance, and it slipped my mind–”

She rolled her eyes, smacking her teeth. “Excuses, excuses, are you taking this seriously?” She interrupted him. 

Riki quickly nodded his head. 

"Are you sure about that?" she asked again, and this time Riki nodded more slowly, as if that would make her believe him more. Hot tears bloomed at the corners of his eyes, and he tried to blink them away, not wanting her to see him sob like a child.

“The reason why you have private lessons and the others don't is because you are terrible; everyone has excellent English skills, but you, Sunghoon, who used to get confused at the airport; Jay, who was nervous and insecure about his English; even Jungwon, who has to speak the most, doesn't have as much of a hard time as you. You can’t even do something as simple as homework, and you think you don’t need these lessons?” She spoke angrily. “You are not superior just because you learned Korean quickly because you’re not even great at that. When they wanted to kick you from speaking in any promotions, I vouched for you, and this is how you repay me? I said I’d work with you because for a split second I believed that you could do it. Dancing won't get you anywhere if you don’t put in the work to learn.”

Truthfully, Riki didn't know how dance fit into the equation of learning English, but he wasn't going to talk back. 

Riki was afraid to speak now, afraid that if he tried he would best fall into tears, and he couldn't let her see that he was weak. 

“Since you think you’re too good for lessons, I want to see it.” She dragged him over to her desk, where a new textbook sat, opening the textbook, Basic English , to one of the last pages. “Read this out loud; I want to hear every word, Mr. Big Shot.”

Riki was shaking now; he could feel it. He started at the book, tears finally escaping and trailing down his cheeks. His body betraying him. He didn't understand; he didn't know a single word on that page; she knew it.

"Speak!" she insisted, her voice growing louder, and if Riki could, he would shrink himself down, feeling more tears pooling out of his eyes and down the straight path of his face. He couldn't do this. He didn't mean to forget. He tried, but he only messed everything up; everything was going wrong, everything was a mistake, he couldn't do anything right, he did care about learning English; he wanted to be better; he wanted to be able to communicate well with the people he was trying. He saw the tears fall, creating dark blotches along his shirt. 

"What? Can't speak now; are you mute or something? Go on. Do it!"

She stared at him for a few moments, glowering intensity in her eyes, before she finally took a deep breath.

"Fine," she said, her tone calmer than before. "You don't want to be in here? You don't want to do your homework? That's fine; you’re the one struggling, not me.“ She remained calm, but the boy could tell she was beyond angry. “Take the textbook. Go home early. I want the work for those chapters one through ten done by tomorrow, with no errors, and I want a smile on your face. You're not a child. Stop acting like it.”

That’s impossible. Riki thought. The book itself had thirty chapters, and each chapter had a unit, and that unit was composed of five to ten subchapters, each chapter focusing on a specific part of the English language—a grammar rule, pronunciation, vocabulary. Usually, each chapter took a day or two, and the homework took at least an hour to finish, not including any mistakes, so she was making him complete a week's worth of homework to complete by tomorrow. He had to teach himself too; he couldn't ask for help; that would make him look like he couldn't do a simple task on his own; he couldn't rely on his Hyungs anymore. Plus, tomorrow was an off day; they were supposed to bake and watch movies; he had plans with his friends; and now he was stuck doing homework all night and had to be in the building the next day.

"Just go," she said, her voice firm. "You obviously don't want to be here, and you’ve wasted enough of my time.”

But Riki’s feet felt glued to the floor; he couldn't move them if he tried. He was stuck, like every insult that was thrown at him made him freeze; if he moved, he would break, and he didn't think he could anymore. He wanted nothing more than to turn around and run home, to run as fast as his feet could carry him, but his body refused to make contact with his brain. 

"Pathetic, since you can’t seem to understand basic directions, I’ll go.” She sighed, grabbing her bag and her briefcase off the floor. She brushed past him as she walked to the door. "Tomorrow. All ten chapters. With a smile, no crying, please; if I wanted to babysit, I would’ve had children."

Riki sniffled in response, his gaze to the floor as he heard the clicking of her heels treading down the hall. 

He tried to take a deep breath to calm down, but he couldn't control the shivers down his spine. 

Riki wiped his tears away, reaching into his bag, grabbing his mask that he used to cover his face when he was outside, and pulling his hood up. He walked home, tears still making their way down his face, soaking his mask. His steps were quick, and to anyone around him, he looked crazy, but he couldn't think about it right now; he just wanted to go home and forget everything. 

The minute he got back to the dorm, he ran straight to his bedroom, ignoring the worried calls from the other six boys in the shared space. Tearing off his masks, shoes, and hoodie and throwing them somewhere near the wall, he cried, throwing himself on the bed; his body shook with sobs. 

I'm trying so hard, and it doesn't make a difference. I don’t know why I keep screwing up.

Chapter Text

April 7th 2022

“This is what you wanted, right, Riki?” Eunwoo had the raven-haired boy right where he liked him, the left side of his face pressed down on the cold wooden desk, on his desk. His body pressed against the younger one, one hand roughly gripping his hip, the other tightly around his throat. “You'll get to debut and be the biggest star in the world, as long as you do this for me. You want that, right?” The man smiled menacingly, pressing his lips to the younger boy’s ear. “You’re so obedient, baby, my pretty boy.” Riki just laid there, tears trickling down his face, feeling the older man move his hand down, caressing his exposed thigh. His throat was raw, his entire body ached, and he wanted to go home: back to Japan; maybe his dream wasn’t worth the pain he was enduring.

“Yes, Eunwoo Hyung,” he choked out. He wanted to move, wanted to push Eunwoo away, but his body was limp, betraying his mind, which was telling him to fight. He closed his eyes, trying to stop the tears. He hoped this would be over soon, Eunwoo would be satisfied, and the young boy could go on with his day, having lunch with his trainee friends and acting like everything was normal.

Riki jerked awake at the gentle sound of his alarm, wiping the dried and fresh tears. He reached for his phone on his nightstand, quickly shutting the alarm off so he didn't wake up the other two sleeping bodies in the room. Checking the clock, he groaned; it was five am. He doesn't normally wake up this early; usually he’ll just snooze the alarm and fall back into dreamland, but that wasn’t a dream, and he would rather not experience something like that again. He must’ve cried himself to sleep because he’s still wearing the same pants and hoodie from yesterday, but he was warm, so one of the boys must’ve put the comforter over and tucked him in.

Sitting up and getting out of bed, he walked over to the dresser, pulled out some comfy clothes, grabbed his toiletries, and walked towards the bathroom to shower. There was no point in going back to sleep, so he might as well get ready for the day.

Riki sat at the kitchen table; it had been thirty minutes now of just staring at his English textbook, the characters staring back at him. He knew he should be working, trying to teach himself the chapters so he could go through the homework smoothly; he needed to catch up and prove to himself and his teacher that he wasn't a failure, but all he could do was stare.

It's not rocket science, he scolded himself. Just pick up the pencil, open the binder, and work. 

But alas, he couldn't bear to move; Riki had forced himself to do a lot in the past, so why couldn't he force himself now? Was not being able to participate in comebacks not enough motivation? Did he need Eunwoo, breathing down his back, for him to make a move? He'd seated himself at the kitchen table with his Snoopy blanket wrapped around his shoulder. It was the spring; it was relatively warm inside, but Riki didn't care; the blanket gave him comfort, a sense of warmth during a time where he felt like he couldn't do anything right. Eunwoo had gotten him the blanket, the first time the older man made him perform; it was a gift of sorts, something to silence the young boy.

When he had gotten it, the fleece blanket was too big for him, but he was taller now; the blanket only covered half his body. He knows he should throw it away, erase it from his memories because all it was was a constant reminder of what happened to him, but a small part of him longed for the fleece fabric. It was perfect for days like this, where he would just wrap the fabric around himself and enjoy how comfy it made him feel.

Slowly, he opened his pink English binder and flipped through the pages and picked up the worksheets that he needed to complete for the unit; tears filled up his eyes again, slowly making their way down. There were so many chapters, so much work; some of them looked like things he’d already worked through before, at least the basics of it, but others were completely different concepts. It was impossible for him to get it all done by ten.

He sighed deeply, forcing himself to read the first page of the textbook. The brunette already had a bit of a headache, pressure pulsing behind his eyes, but it was probably because he'd cried so much. After he woke up, he probably should have gotten a drink of water, but hydrating himself after crying the whole night wasn't on his mind; he just wanted to get this work done and over with. Truthfully he was exhausted; the comeback wasn't taking a toll on him, and on top of that, now he had to worry about this stupid English homework; he couldn't catch a break.

As he worked through the chapter, he jotted some points down in his notebooks, moving onto the next page and similarly finishing working through the sheets as well. Riki felt miserable, weighed down by the sheer fact that everything was just so unfair, but he knew that this was all his fault—the comeback, falling behind on his work; he was a big mess. But as miserable and numb as he felt, he pushed himself through the mountain of work, and by the time the clock read seven, he finished four chapters and was ready for the next. His cheeks were dry now, the sore feeling in his eyelids had now subsidized; he was fine now, and he was going to finish this. 

So, that was about three hours, three hours, he figured in his head. three chapters in three hours. Just... seven more chapters to go. That'll be... the whole day. 

He groaned halfheartedly, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders. This was impossible; he was tasked with the impossible. He wouldn’t finish everything by the time he was supposed to go in; he was going to fail, and his teacher was going to enjoy it. There wasn't enough time, but there wouldn't have been if he hadn't been such a crybaby. If instead of crying into his bed sheets, he had sucked it up and done his work when he got to the dorm yesterday, this was his fault, and he would pay the price.

Everything was just too much. 

He was already exhausted; how could he possibly endure this for three more hours?

Riki put on a playlist of violin music, having to set it to play on low volume; maybe some background music will make this less hard. Maybe he’d focus a little more; he turned his phone face down so he wouldn't be tempted to go through it anymore. Hopefully now he could work faster and finish what he could. Starting again, he felt a lump in his throat; forcing himself to stand, he moaned in pain; his legs ached after sitting for so long. Walking towards the fridge, he grabbed himself a bottle of water, taking a sip before walking back towards the table.

Twenty minutes into working on the fourth chapter, he heard the sound of footsteps. Although the person tried to make as little noise as possible, Riki could hear the quiet stomps. They momentarily distracted him from the papers displayed in front of him. From the quiet hums of what he recognized to be a song, Riki could assume it was Sunghoon. He received confirmation of that when a set of bear slippers entered the kitchen. "Hey, why are you up so early? It's our day off; you should be sleeping.” The raven-haired boy asked, reaching into the fridge and grabbing a glass bottle of water.

"Oh, hey, I’m just finishing up some homework; Minji-nim wanted to give it to her today." Riki’s voice was always raspy in the mornings, but he was surprised at just how deep and scratchy it was. He hadn't really talked much since his humiliation yesterday and had managed to sleep a full ten hours and had just taken a small sip of water, he didn't realize how raspy his voice sounded, but then again he hadn't really spoken since he'd broken down in tears hours ago.

Sunghoon looked worriedly at the younger. "You're working at seven in the morning? Furthermore, why is your English teacher making you go in today? It is the only day off we have, so we shouldn't have anything on our schedule.”

Riki attempted to say, "I mean, yeah," but the words didn't come out fully since his throat seemed to be so scratchy and harsh. "It’s a lot of work, and, taking a sip of the water, he scowled. He was glad his voice sounded normal again. "It shouldn't take long; it's okay. I messed up, and now I have to deal with the consequences. Don’t worry about it.”

"Alright," Sunghoon nodded; he didn't agree with the situation, but he wouldn't argue with the younger one either. "You should take a break, though. Jay-Hyung should be up soon; he and Heeseung-Hyung are making breakfast." Sunghoon squeezed his shoulder and walked back down the hall, presumably to their bedroom to get some more shut-eye before the others' loud voices disrupted his peace.

"Okay, thanks." Riki replied, turning back to his homework. He thought about the boy’s suggestion, but he couldn't take a break; he had to push through. Maybe he could finish this next worksheet before everyone woke up and started crowding the kitchen. He'd still have about six chapters left, but that was better than nothing at all. 

As he waited, he turned back to his work, and not even thirteen minutes later, he heard the squeaking of two doors, indicating that some of his members were exiting their humble abode and entering through the living room and into the kitchen. Heeseung gave Riki a pat on the head as he and Jay grabbed the pans from the cabinets and the ingredients from the fridge. Heeseung gave the young boy at the table a concerned look, the same as Sunghoon, but opted not to ask any questions; he knew Riki was struggling and desperately wanted to talk to him, help him, but also knew that asking was probably going to make the boy plunge deeper into the hole he was in. 

Letting the younger be, Heeseung and Jay started to make breakfast; Riki, on the other hand, was confused on why they were ignoring him. Heeseung acknowledged that he was in the room, but Jay hadn’t; only a glance was thrown his way until the older joined in and started cooking.

It’s fine, right? Now you can just concentrate on your work, no distractions. 

All that was heard through the kitchen was the baffling sound of food being prepared and the soft music playing from the younger's phone as Riki tried to turn his focus back to his work.

As more bodies began to fill the kitchen, Riki's work was abruptly thrown to the side, unfinished but out of sight. The food was prepared and everyone was seated, chatting and eating together. Riki ate a small amount, he was too anxious  about his  meeting with Minji to muster up the courage to eat anything more.

Riki wanted to converse and offer his opinion on whatever was being discussed, but he was too anxious to open his mouth, and it appeared that his hyungs weren't very interested in having him around. Why? Looking up from his plate, he looked at the six boys around him and pondered.

“Is there any chance you could go another day, Riki? I mean, having to spend your day off studying is a little ridiculous.”  Riki was taken aback by the inquiry as he looked up from his meal and heard Kim Sunoo's gentle, delicate voice. The brunette thought the six older boys had forgotten he was there because they were so preoccupied with their own chat.

It's okay, I won't be there for long; we'll still have the remainder of the day to spend together, “ Riki informed the blonde, but he didn't appear too pleased with the response.  "It's okay really, it's my fault, I didn't do the work on time," Riki could not tell if the boys were shaking their heads in disbelief or anger, their faces were expressionless, but he could sense they all wanted to argue.

"She shouldn't punish you for it; it's unfair and you have other things to deal with." Jungwon expressed his opinion. 

"I think it’s dumb that they assigned you a tutor when Jay and I are here." Taking the empty plates from the table, Jake stood up.

“You guys worry too much; I’m finished.” Riki pushed his plate away and stood up from his seat. “I gotta get ready; Sohee will be here soon.” Heeseung and Jake took notice of the barely touched food

Riki, you didn't—” The Bambi-eyed boy started, but the younger one had already fled the scene. 

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

Bidding goodbye to his hyungs, Riki walked out the front door and down the steps where Sohee was waiting patiently in her car.

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I don't like Miniji. What makes her think she can overstep us and make you come in? We gave you guys off today for a reason.” Sohee ranted to the brunette once he got into the passenger seat.

Riki waved her off. “It’s fine; I shouldn't be there long. She just wants me to turn some work in. Can we just go so I can be back in bed faster.” 

Seeing the brunette's irritated expression as he gazed out the window, Sohee scoffed, wanting to say more but keeping her mouth shut. She took the car out of park and drove out of the neighborhood through the busy streets of Seoul.

After about thirty minutes they arrived, Riki was about to venture into hell,  well at least for the next twenty minutes. Riki was on time today, it was only a few minutes before the clock turned to ten, Riki wouldn't have to hear the older woman berate him for being careless.  

He took his time walking through the halls and before he knew it, he was at the door, hesitating to go in, he wasn’t late and had most of his work completed, but he was still nervous, last class didn't go exactly the way he wanted and this meeting was a surprise, this wasn't supposed to be on the list of things he should be doing today. Last class Kim Minji talked to him, no berated him like a child, and he hoped she would be lenient today, he wouldn’t cry today, he couldn't take the idea of being a failure. 

Taking a deep breath, he put on a smile and walked inside the room and greeted the raven haired woman with a bow. “Good Morning, Minji-nim.” She  smiled, signaling him to take a seat. Sitting down, he took out his worksheets as his nerves flared up again. There were probably some answers that were wrong, or some they were fully completed, not including the ones he just didn't attempt to do.  

She’s gonna yell again, I know it. 

“What is this?” She asked, her face remained calm but her tone told Riki something different, she was angry, or confused. The older woman got up from her desk and walked over to the brunette boy, standing directly in front of his own, staring him down. Riki wanted to puke, wanted to cry and nothing even happened. She asked a simple question and he was already getting goosebumps.  “This isn't the whole unit, Where’s the rest?” Minji tilted her head, Looking at the small set of papers and then up at the boy, hands laid on the sides of his desk, tapping her foot, she waited for an answer. 

Riki looked at her, feeling small under her harsh gaze. “I didn’t- I couldn't finish it all, I didn't have time.” Stumbling over his words, he didn't understand how one person could make him feel as small as Kim Minji did, she wasn't a manager, wasn't his stylist, vocal coach or dance instructor, just a prominent member of the company’s staff who just happened to his English tutor but for some reason he cowered in fear every time she opened her mouth or looked at him. 

“You didn’t finish- You had all day, and you're telling me I couldn't finish a whole unit?” The raven haired woman raised her voice, rolling her eyes in disgust.  Riki averted his gaze to the floor.  “Why, I would like a perfect explanation on why you didn't have  the time to finish your work, that I gave you yesterday because in my eyes you have more than enough time.”  Minji roughly gripped the boy's face, making him look at her. 

Anger, disappointment, annoyance, If emotions could seep off of someone, then Kim Minji would be steaming. The older woman didn't know why she wasted her time, was it the money? Or did she actually enjoy her job? The brunette boy wasn't the only idol she taught languages to, but he sure was the one who made her question why she was in this line of work. 

Pathetic. 

“I didn't- I didn't get to do it yesterday, I was busy with my other work.” Riki couldn't tell the woman that he spent the rest of the day crying his eyes out, Minji already hated him, why add more fuel to the fire, and he didn't want to look like a coward although he already felt this way, he wasn't strong, he couldn't do anything right, he was a failure and everyone around him knew it.  

Stupid. 

Sad little baby, get a grip

She scoffed, letting go of him and walking to the front of the room and walking back to the boy, slamming her hands on his desk,  the papers falling to the ground, Riki flinched. “Back with the excuses, I’ve said this before and I will say it again, you will not continue to waste my time, if you don't want to be here and do the work, you can gladly leave and embarrass yourself and your group, I have a degree I’m fluent in the language, yet here I am spending my delicate time with you.” Minji wasn’t yelling but her face displayed a range of anger, her voice was calm,  Riki could see she wanted to hit something, wanted to walk away so she doesnt do something she regretted, the boy want to tell her that she could take her anger out on him, perhaps she’s been having a bad few days and Riki being incompetent is simply throwing her over the edge. Riki could be that, could be her pawn, her target, he was the source of her rage, anyways. 

Hit me, 

I know you want too

I deserve it

I need to stop being such a baby

So, hit me. 

Minji shook her head, sighing as the boy in the chair made no attempt to speak, just stared at her, like if he turned away, the world would end. Minji rolled her eyes for the fifth time and walked back to her desk, grabbed a copy of the desk book, brought it back to the boy and pulled up another desk beside his own. 

Riki’s eyes followed her and he felt like he was sinking,  if looks could kill, he would be at the bottom of the ocean right now, in a wooden coffin that was bolted shut. He saw the book in her hand, the way she roughly took the desk and pulled it against his, making him flinch once again. The idea of doing more work made him ill, he wanted to cry, wanted to scream and throw a big tantrum but he wouldn't. He was a big kid, he was mature and would suck it up and suffer the consequences of his actions.

Don’t cry, this is all on you,

It’s fine you knew this would happen

Man up. 

The older woman grabbed his face again. “You are going to finish this now. Since you can't wrap your head around the concert of doing the work at home, you will complete the last few chapters here. I am going downstairs to get some food and hopefully clarity, so you are going to be a good little boy, and by the time I get back, I want this done and a summary of the unit. You do not get to leave until this is done and I have approved it. Got it?” Minji patted his cheeks before getting up and leaving the room, locking it from the outside. 

Good boy,

I can be good.

I can be a good boy. 

Be good; Eunwoo Hyung always wanted me to be good for him.

I can do the same for Minji Noona. 

just gotta be good.

Then I can go, and I’ll be free. 

Alone with his thoughts, Riki just stared, he knew there would be repercussions but this? Stuck in the room until he finishes? That was madness, he sighed, taking out his find and sending a quick message to Sohee and the boys.

He opened Spotify, trying to find a calming classical playlist that he could listen to, putting his phone down, he tried to concentrate. Flipping through the textbook, reading through contents he could barely understand, he wondered why he was doing this in the first place? Was getting a private tutor really in this best interest if all she did was tell me how much he sucked? And couldn't do anything right? 

He wouldn’t say anything though, because maybe he was misinterpreting  things again, maybe Kim Minj was a nice woman who cared deeply for his success and his mind was just warping reality and making her out to be a terrible person.

So he decided to be good, he decided to shut his mind off and work, finish this so he could make her proud, so he could prove to her that he wasn't incompetent and so that he could go home.  

Two minutes 

Fifteen minutes 

Thirty. 

Riki worked through the last few chapters, trying his best to understand and put down good answers. This wasn't right; he discarded his original thoughts, putting down something else. He couldn't; he didn’t—all these answers felt lazy, like he was just jotting down simple answers and not giving them enough depth. Miniji wouldn't accept this. He was trying his best and still was getting frustrated.

One hour.

One hour and fifteen. 

Why?

Why can’t I do this right?

What’s wrong with me?

"This is too much; I can't do it." Riki was halfway through the fifth chapter when he made the decision to simply stop. Although he would learn a lot from it, he was sick of reading, not understanding, and writing down a dumb response only to start over. He wanted to get rid of it, remove this pointless material from his mind, and leave because this loop of attempting to do his work wasn't working well.

His eyes were filled with tears; he wanted to cry so much to relieve this burden, but he couldn't, not here, in this place where anybody could see how frail he was. Riki simply gazed at his work in the hopes that the answers would write themselves. The brunette just wanted this to be over; he wanted to go home.   

“So, what do you have for me?” Minji asked, and Riki didn't even notice she was back in the room; he looked up, giving the older woman his unsatisfactory work. Taking it, she groaned; she opened her mouth to speak but decided against it, shaking her head in disbelief. Riki looked down in embarrassment.

“I can’t be bothered anymore; just go, please.” Grabbing his semi-completed worksheets, she walked away, placing them in the drawers of her desk and walking out of the room. Riki let the tears fall from his eyes, biting his nails out of frustration. He tried; he really did. He worked really hard, but still it wasn't enough. He did not complete the whole unit and skipped over some questions that he should've known, that she should've been able to complete. Riki was embarrassed and upset; he felt like a failure. He always feels like one; he can’t do anything right but disappoint people—his friends, his family, his teachers. Is this all he is good for? Being a disappointment.

Riki felt as though he couldn’t breathe; he felt like he was drowning. The small tears that were once streaming down his face were now a puddle; he could feel the water seeping through his shoes.

Where did all this water come from?

Riki got up from his desk. Water, the water was all over the place and it was rising. Did someone leave the sinks on? The room was engulfed in water, and it was rising. Paniccing, the brunette tried to walk towards the door. The door, when did it close? He swore his teacher left it open, but if it was closed, how did water get in the room? The water, too much, too fast, Riki couldn't get to the door; it was too far.  The water had now filled the room, but Riki couldn't swim; he was trapped; he was drowning; he needed to see his hyungs; he had to get out, so he pushed, doing everything he could to move his body as Jay had taught him. He reached the door and tried to open it; the handle was moving, but the door wasn’t. It's not locked, but it won't budge. Why won't it open? Despite his best efforts, he is unable to pry it open.

No. No. No.

Please.

Please.

He tries to open it again; he pleads, using all his strength once more, and to his surprise, the door opens, but the water remains; it wasn't just the room, but the whole building. Is he dreaming? This can’t be real; one minute he was just crying, and the next, the place was an ocean. If this is a dream, it’s a horrible one. 

Wake up; this is just a really bad dream.

This isn't real; you’re just imagining it.

Everything is fine; just get up and get home. 

wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup WAKE UP!

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

Riki doesn't remember leaving the building, he doesn't recall getting in the car with Sohee all of a sudden he’s at the entrance of the dorm and Sohee is asking if he needs to to stay with him, he declines, he has Hyungs wit his after all, he’s gonna be fine. 

Upon opening the door, he frowned, it was quiet, it's almost never quiet, in Enhypen’s dorm there is always some type of noise echoing through the halls, whether is Heeseng and Jay’s white noise they use to help fall asleep, the foreign language of Jake’s video games or the sounds of Sunoo watching  lifestyle videos on youtube. The dorm has never been a quiet place.After hanging up his jacket and putting his shoes on the rack by the door,  Riki decided to look around, hoping to find one of his Hyungs. 

As he suspected, every room is empty, beds are made and the kitchen is clean. Riki spent longer than he wanted at the company building but he told them about the setback and that he’d be back as soon as the old hag let him go, so why would they leave him? 

Walking back towards the living room, he plopped himself on the couch, groaning in frustration. After the daunting two hours he endured all the Japanese boy wanted to do was hang with his hyungs but they left him. He knows he hasn’t been on his game the past few days but he was looking forward to this day off, with his favorite people and they were gone.

Did they forget? Everyone was concerned about me leaving earlier? Was it all fake?  

Deciding to occupy himself for the time being he reached for the remote on the coffee table, if he was left alone the least he could do was watch a show or two, but he noticed what looked like an envelope wedged between the flower vase and a stack of books that Jay had brought and never read so used them as decor. So curiosity surging through him, was it for him? Taking the folded paper off of the table, it had no address for name attached so it clearly wasn’t mail,  but what if it was for someone else and he got in trouble because he went snooping in his Hyungs things, but as he hold it in in hands, he felt compelled he decided to open and read it. 

We went out, get some sleep, 

we’ll be back before 8, love you. 

Your favorite hyungs. 

Riki crumpled the paper up and threw it on the table. Went out? Where to? They were all supposed to stay in and hang together; he wanted to call and ask them why they didn't wait for him and go as one. A part of him knew he was being dramatic, that it's not a big deal and they’d be back soon, but the other part of him was upset; he wanted to be with them after the day he had, even if it was inside their home; he just wanted his Hyungs.

Maybe he was just being selfish, they can hang out without him, no one is obligated to wait on him, maybe they just went out to do some shopping, the fridge has been looking a little empty, look at him, dramatic and selfish. Riki should take their advice, get some sleep, clear his head of all the negative thoughts. He laughed, thinking about it, it wasn't possible, but he had been up since three so maybe a little nap wouldn't hurt him, he wasn't tired but it’s not like he had anything better to do. 

Riki grabbed his blanket that he left on the chair by the kitchen table, grateful no one moved it, brought it back to the couch with him, wrapped himself up, laid down and tried to fall asleep, which didn't take too long. Before he knew it, dream productions welcomed him with open arms. 

Riki was unaware of how long he had been asleep, but he was aware that the sound of Jake and Jay's voices calling his name had roused him from his peaceful sleep. Opening his eyes would have been a wake-up call from the harsh fluorescents in the ceiling lights, and he wasn't in a hurry to respond. Although the boy beneath the cover was unable to understand what they were saying, he could tell they were talking about potential movies to watch

“Come on, sleepyhead, it's movie time,” Sunghoon’s soft voice ran through his ears. Riki shook his head, pulling the blanket over his body. Was he excited about spending time with his hyungs? Yes. Was he tired and wanting to fall back to sleep? Also yes. “I will drag you off this couch.” He threatened.

Riki huffed; he did not want to piss off his hyung, but he wanted a little more time to sleep; unfortunately, he could only please one person, and it wasn't himself. Sitting up, pulling the blanket around his waist, he looked at Sunghoon, shooting him a fake smile. “Happy?”

Sunghoon smiled, walking back into the kitchen, helping Jake, Jay, and Sunoo in the kitchen as Heeseung walked into the living room and took a seat on the couch

Jake and Sunoo came into the room, a bowl of popcorn in hand. “I think we should watch Alice in Borderland.” Taking a seat on the couch, squeezing between Heeseung and Riki, “It's not a movie, but it keeps you on your toes.” The fluffy-haired boy suggested. 

“Riki and Sunoo already watched it; it's not going to be fun if some of us know how it plays out.” Heeseung turned the boy down, reaching into the bowl. 

“We watched it two weeks ago.” Sunoo shared, resting his head on Riki's shoulder, the youngest laying his own on top of Sunoo’s. 

 "Yes, we need a  list of what to watch; watching a show on movie night just makes the evening like any other." Jay added his input. 

Jake sulked; he had been delaying watching the show so that they could all enjoy it together, and two of his buddies sneaked in to watch it. The worst part is that they didn't tell him. The treachery. 

Riki felt bad; he didn't mean to upset anyone. He had just found out about the show a while back and was excited to watch it. He brought Sunoo along with him. He shouldn't have thought about the others and how they would feel, although Heesung didn't seem to mind. Looking at Jake’s face, the younger felt like he had disappointed him. Riki took something away from them, a moment they could've experienced as a family, and only thought of himself.

Selfish, selfish boy.

"Don't be sad, Jakey; there’s plenty of movies to watch, like Take Care of My Cat, Right Now, Wrong Then, Train to Busan, A Tale of Two Sisters, and The Wailing." Sunghoon reached over and grabbed some popcorn while ruffling the boys' hair.  

“And if it makes you feel better, we can watch a few episodes of Alice in Borderland, as long as Sunoo and Riki keep their mouths shut.” Heeseung suggested, seeing as Jake still had a sour face, wanting to make him smile.

Jake hummed in response; the movies Sunghoon suggested are nice. He had watched teasers for most of them but never sat down and watched them, so his night wouldn't be a total loss.

As Jay and Jungwon went to fill the bowl of candy they had left on the kitchen counter, Sunoo reached for the remote control and switched on the television. The boys all sat down and watched the first of many films they would see tonight. They had been working nonstop for the majority of the year since their debut, so Riki valued the little things, like breakfast and dinner together, long car rides to the studio, and these days off when they could spend time together without any interruptions.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

Riki dreaded the days when he would come into the building for the annual checkup. Every idol had one; the company had to make sure their artists were in perfect shape; they couldn't be overweight or underweight; they could be sick but not sick enough where it shows, and if it does, a touch of makeup should do the trick; they could be tired but would still have to push through and put on a great performance.

Belift Entertainment had four private medical personnel to conduct their checkup, and every month it was different; some were nice and sugar-coated a lot, and others were strict, harsh even. Riki got the short end of the stick.

Dr. Lee Seo-Yeon was known for being ruthless; she told it like it is and wouldn't hold back, but she also had a way with her words. There was always something cruel about how she gave out results and information, like she wanted to watch the hope that she would give good news out of her patients eyes. Riki was no different. 

Riki sat in the private room. It was an old storage room that they set up to look like a doctor's office. In retrospect, it was a doctor's office. It had a scale, a bed, chairs, blood pressure machines, an IV drip, and a station for needles, needles, and a clipboard with a chart that hung on the wall. Most people hated hospitals because you’d only get terrible news there, but Riki hated this, because good or bad, news would spread, and Riki hated when people knew what was going on in his private life. 

“Hello, Ni-ki, it’s nice to meet you. I have attended to all your band members but you, so let’s get started.” Seo-Yeon entered the room, greeting Riki with a small smile that Riki couldn't tell if it was genuine or not. 

The red-haired woman signaled for him to push his sleeves up so she could take his blood pressure, and then she checked his heart rate. "When was the last time you had any food?" Riki had a small breakfast this morning, but last night?  Riki is aware that junk food is not the best option, he indulged in it throughout the night because it was movie night and he was a child, and children were allowed to enjoy themselves.

“Um, this morning, Jay Hyung got us bagels.” 

She hummed in response. "All right, take off your shoes so we can weigh and measure." She motioned for him to stand next to the wall as she measured his height and then ushered him to the scale. 

Riki hated that scale; he hated being measured, the fact that his entire identity depended on his height and thinness. The brunette boy was always self-conscious about his height and weight, although he couldn’t change his height; changing his diet wasn't too hard; he just hated the restrictions.

Getting off the scale and moving back to the bed, Riki felt a little self-conscious again. Seo-Yeon made a face that Riki couldn't decipher as she jotted down her notes. His results? On her charts. Was it bad?

After grabbing a stool, Seo-Yeon dragged it over to the bed. “You gained more than six kilograms, so much for a light breakfast. Two months ago, when Dr. Yoon was here, you were fifty-five kilograms; you're two times that. You're tall, so you need more meat on your body than those shorter than you, but this? You’re getting fat, Nishimura. I advise you to shed a few pounds before our next meeting.” Seo-Yeon said as she set down her clipboard and turned to face the frail kid.

Riki stood still; he felt like he was back in that room, that day when Dr. Yoon told him he might have an STD, the feeling of getting bad news and knowing it's your fault, that this is the consequence of your actions. Riki can’t be upset at anyone but himself, but in hindsight he was still confused. How did this happen?

I’m getting fat? But it was just popcorn and candy; we all had some. I don’t feel any different; I look the same. 

 Seo-Yeon started to speak, noticing the brunette's gloomy expression. "This is unacceptable, so I advise you to start a new diet. You’re an idol; you can't eat whatever you want, wherever you want” And with that, she stood up and left the room. Leaving the Japanese boy alone.

Diet? Again?

I can’t. I refuse. 

Knowing his Hyungs were waiting for him, he left the room, going straight towards the waiting area. It was a typical room with a few couches and some desks, a water station, and some vending machines. It looked like a total downgrade from what an actual hospital waiting room looked like, but the company wanted to spend as little money as they could on a room they would barely use.

Walking up and hugging the boy like they hadn't spoken in years, Jungwon spoke. “Hey, how was it?” Terrible, he wanted to say; she’s mean and totally unprofessional. She called me fat; I don't even look like I gained any weight. Lee Seo-Yeon is a miserable woman, but he held his tongue, opting for a better answer.

“She said, ‘I’m in good health.” Riki smiled, “Let’s go; I’m tired.” Riki walked away, wanting to go home and forget about the day he had. Although he put on a convincing facade, Sunghoon and Heeseung could sense something was wrong with the younger. The boys made eye contact, silently agreeing to talk to him later; maybe the boy would open up more when they were in the comforts of their own home. Following him out, they went to their van, greeting their managers, and went home; the ride was silent except for the music playing through the radio, but Riki could tell they all wanted to break it.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

The first time Riki stopped eating was after his 14th birthday. Eunwoo had told him he was getting sloppy; his moves weren’t swift enough and had implied that the reason behind his sluggishness was because he was eating too much, told the brunette that cutting down what he was consuming every day would make him a better dancer because the food held him down. So he stopped; Riki didn't eat full meals for a month, settling for small bites of fruit and the occasional water sips throughout the day. 

Riki sat in his room, staring at the wall in front of him. Dance practice and vocal lessons were over for the day, and he didn't have anything else that he needed to work on, so he took the opportunity to go home. Truthfully, he would rather be hanging with his friends, Ta-ki and Haru, but unfortunately they had more training in their schedule, so Riki sat in his room, bored and lonely. The young boy could get up and find something to keep himself busy until his friends freed themselves from their tedious schedule; usually he would find himself unconsciously dancing to a song, challenging himself to make a choreography for it, but these days the subject of dancing feels more like a chore than a hobby. When he was younger he loved it; his parents said that he would dance to anything, even if it was just the sound of food sizzling on the stove, but now when he danced all he could think of was the little mistakes, how everyone around him was better at it than he was. Riki wasn't a bad dancer; if anything, he was amazing. Everyone praised him for his ability to learn a dance quickly, but ever since he made it as a trainee, his moves were less than perfect, or at least that's what his dance instructor told him. His friends and other trainees told him that was great, but people are obligated to give compliments.

It was quiet; Riki liked it this way; he could just be alone in his thoughts without a worry, but sometimes the silence could be frustrating. Picking up his phone, he hoped one of the boys would text him, telling him their schedule got cut short and they were free to hang; they could go watch a show together or go to town and try their hands at pottery, something so Riki would have to be stuck in this room, staring at the wall in boredom. Zero. No calls or texts from either of his friends; in this time he wished he wasn't such a quick learner; if he was just average like everyone else, he would still be at the company right now, training with his friends, being in their company, being happy that he wasn't alone; that's not the case, though. So to cure his boredom, he opened Twitter, hoping reading about other people’s lives or their opinions would cure his feeling of dread. Twenty minutes into his newfound hobby of reading about the lives of normal people, his stomach made a sound, you know, the sound everyone hates, the sound of rubbing that the brain sends down to alert you that they need fuel. Riki’s brain had been sending him mixed signals for the past week; on one hand, he needs to eat; his body can't function without fuel, but on the other hand, he has to be the perfect dancer, and he can’t do that if he’s eating too much, so he’s been trying to stop, and technically he has been eating; it wasn't full course meals, just a few fruits and water, but it got the job done.

If he were to eat something other than fruit, would it be wrong? He was trying to stop eating; the grapes and apple slices were helping, but he was hungry now, although he would break his progress. He hadn't eaten an actual meal in days; he was improving in dance, and his weight was going down; he was doing great. It would hurt though, right? Just one for the day, and the rest of the week he goes back to his fruits and water diet. Riki walked out of his room and into the kitchen; the stone counters and silver fridge made him even hungrier; he hadn't seen any type of succulent yet. Opening the fridge, he looked around, scanning for any type of food: milk, juice, grapes, kiwis, yogurt. All of those were things he tried to eat on a daily basis; he needed more.. 

He wasn't being starved; this was his own decision. No one told him to stop eating entirely, just to cut down and watch what he eats. So the only person he would be disappointing is himself, and he could forgive himself for one setback. 

Looking through the fridge, he saw half of a sandwich that was cut perfectly; surely Eunwoo wouldn't miss this, right? It didn't matter anyways because the young boy had already taken it out and started munching as soon as the lid hit the counter.

“What are you doing?” Eunwoo asked, walking into the kitchen. Riki didn't hear the door open, let alone the heavy sounds of his footsteps, but as he stood near the island counter, Riki froze, putting the sandwich back into the counter. He swallowed nervously, looking at the man. 

“I know what I said, but it’s just half a sandwich and—” Riki tried to explain his motives to the man that stood in front of him, his voice getting cut by Eunwoo’s snickered disgust. Riki frowned at his reaction, wanting desperately to look away but wanting to stand the little ground he had. Riki was wrong; there was a wrong person he could disappoint, although the short-haired brunette couldn't tell if the man was upset that he went back on his word or because he took a few bites of a sandwich that clearly wasn't his own.

“It looks like you’ve had enough.” Eunwoo wiped the crumbs off of Riki's lips, not breaking eye contact with the boy. As a way of asserting dominance, he took the container the sandwich was in, putting it back into the refrigerator. Looking at the small boy in front of him, he smiled. “You were good at practice today; you took what we worked on and made changes. Keep it up.” Reaching down, he cupped the boy’s face, kissing harshly, like he needed to prove that he was the only one who could touch the brunette like that, and without hesitation, Riki kissed the older man back, matching his pace.

Riki knew it was wrong, that he should pull away, tell him to stop, and go tell someone, but a part of him knew that it was equally as wrong; Eunwoo had done so much for him. Riki had been leaving in a small rundown dorm with mold growing on the walls, the bathroom wasn’t functional and all he had to eat was cups of instant ramen, Eunwoo was the one who told the company off, telling them that the young boy shouldn't be in this kind of condition just because he couldn't afford anything better, Eunwoo had offered Riki to stay with him, he had a spare bedroom and he was feeling lonely with just his cat, Eunwoo had given him a place to stay, with running water and more food than he could imagine, Eunwoo listened to him talk about his life back in Japan and comforted him when he had bad days, had took the extra time out of his schedules to privately teach Riki, to make him a better dancer, to make him good enough so he could debut. So if the brunette had to give something to earn a reward, then so be it; there was always a chance he could fail, but Eunwoo had connections, and Riki would take the risk.

Pulling away, Eunwoo kissed his forehead, running his hands through his short hair. “Good boy, I have the rest of the day off, so if you’re not busy, we could watch a movie later.” Feeling satisfied, Eunwoo walked past the boy, slapping his butt as he walked towards his bedroom. That wasn't a suggestion. Riki would be watching a movie later with the older man. On days when he did have to work late, Riki would be hanging with his friends or catching up on shows he missed. Riki preferred those days, where he could be normal for a little while, where he did not have to lose whatever innocence he had left submitting to Eunwoo, working until he passed out on the wooden floor of the practice, or singing until his throat scratched.

 Now alone in the kitchen, Riki didn't have much of an appetite anymore; he only had a few bites of the sandwich, which would make anyone craving for more, but one look at the older man and Riki knew he had to stop; he knew what was coming later. Sure, Eunwoo had praised him for his great work at practice, but from the frown on his face, the brunette knew the raven-haired man was disappointed. Riki had been trying to stop eating, but it was hard; his brain and his stomach weren't at war, and he had to satisfy one. Shaking his head, he turned off the light and walked back to his room. He had rearranged this room about ten times since he moved in a month ago; it just never felt right. This was his room, his comfort space; this was supposed to be his home, but it didn't feel like it, so looking at his semi-made bed, the posters on the wall, his closet, and his organized dresser, he decided to rearrange again; he could at least do something for himself before his demise in an hour.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

The members of Enhypen had dinner, lunch, and breakfast together almost every day. They’d talk about their day and share every little detail; every conversation mattered, and tonight was no different, although their schedules were almost the same. They each went around the table and shared one thing that happened during the day.  The two oldest members of the group assisted as needed, but Sunghoon prepared dinner for once. As the primary chef for a lunch, Sunghoon was a little anxious about his skills, but Jay reassured him that he would do great, and he did. The menu of the night was Japchae; the group had never had this before, and this was Sunghoon's first time cooking it. He'd watch his mom make it all the time and was excited to share the recipe with his friends.

Before he knew it, everyone was at the table, a plate of food displayed in front of them. Riki tried to explain to Sunghoon that he had eaten earlier after his check-up and that he simply wasn't hungry, but the older boy wouldn't listen. So as the boys delved into the topic of collaborations they would like to do with other groups, Riki stayed silent, pushing his food around the plate, hoping to make enough space to seem like he had eaten. 

“Are you not hungry, Riki?” Heeseung asked from beside the brunette, while everyone had been devouring their plates; Riki barely touched his, the ginger-haired boy thought it was odd, as this morning he was eating like he would die of starvation if he stopped. The question made the other five avert their attention from their conversation to the youngest of the bunch.

Riki was in the spotlight a lot. When he was younger, he used to dance a lot at his parents studio, and as he got older, he tried out for many opportunities in school and outside, but here, with the people he felt the most comfortable around all staring at him, it felt uneasy. 

“Um, no, I ate earlier.” The brunette answered. “I’m sorry, you spent so much time on it, Sunghoon Hyung; I thought I could just stuff some down, but…” Riki trailed off, looking at the sharp-eyed boy. In hindsight, Riki did feel bad for wasting the food Sunghoon took the time to make, something he was excited to share, but the brunette boy just couldn’t stomach it. If he wasn't going to go on a diet, he could just stop eating altogether.

“It’s alright; I’m sorry for pressuring you. I’ll just wrap it up so you can eat it tomorrow, yeah?” Riki nodded as Heeseung took his plate and passed it across the table to Sunghoon, who would wrap it in tin foil when they were all finished. Riki knew he wasn't going to eat anything tomorrow, but the least he could do was appease his Hyung. 

“Can I be excused? I just want to get ready for bed.” The younger asked, with a nod from the six boys, Riki bid his hyungs a good night and walked towards the bathroom. 

Nishiumura Riki knew that he had a lot of problems he needed to work on but never imagined that his food intake would be one of them. When he first went on a food diet, he hated it; that lasted about five months until he went back to eating regularly after he got accepted as a contestant in I-Land, but after that, his eating habits or weight have never been something that was brought up again; everyone told him he was in perfect health. 

Riki looked at himself in the mirror and couldn't recognize the boy in the mirror; he used to be a bubbly kid, someone who could light up a room; now he was just a hole, a shell of a person. He couldn’t do anything right; all he did was disappoint and slow others around him down.

Riki wanted to be different; he wanted to be the guy who didn't hold people back and reached his potential; he wanted to be better, wanted to be good; he just wished he didn't have to lose himself in the process.

Chapter Text

April 15th 2022.

Nishimura Riki had reached his goal; the brunette had successfully kept himself from eating for a week now. It was slightly easy; everyone was super busy preparing for the upcoming comeback that they rarely checked in with one another, but surely they’ve noticed something, right? How the younger has pulled away over the last few days; how he wouldn't attend regular family time after work; how the food on his plate would be barely touched; how he slept in and stayed up late—surely his Hyungs have noticed his weird behaviors, right?

Over the past week, the youngest of the bunch had slowly started to deteriorate again, crawling back into old habits, and although he was being quiet about it, some part of him wanted someone to notice; it was strange; Riki was crying out for attention but also wanted to die in silence. 

It was the afternoon, and the boys had just returned from another recording session and dance practice. They had spent the morning there and were rightfully drained; luckily, they didn't have any more schedules for the day and could just relax. It was around six when Sunoo and Jay started cooking; early dinners weren't something they did often; most of the time they ended up late at the studio and didn't have time to have dinner at seven and be in bed by nine, so this was a rare opportunity that they would take.

As of right there, everyone was off on their own: Sunoo and Jay in the kitchen, Sunghoon and Jake were playing a video game in the living room, and Jungwon and Heeseung were in the older’s room, working on some songs for their comeback. But Riki, well, Riki was off in his room, lying on his bed, just staring at the empty wall. The boy was isolated, away from everyone; he had been trying to avoid them, only engaging when they had work to do. He was sure they’d noticed how distant he’d been, how he wasn’t eating, how he was more quiet than usual, but they hadn’t said a word.

Maybe they don’t care; they’ve probably realized I’m not good at anything, not good at singing or dancing, not good enough to hold a conversation.

The brunette shook his head; his voices were eating at him again. They felt like the little devils that were always on your shoulders in cartoon shows, but instead of whispering evil deeds for the boy to commit, they were whispering all his insecurities, and he hated it. A part of him wanted to go out and be with his friends, his family, but he couldn’t; he didn't want them nagging him, they had been subtly doing that the past week; he didn't want to deal with their questions, their concerns; it's crazy, a few days ago, all he wanted for them was to worry, but now, all he wanted them to do was to leave him alone.

It was quiet; the boy could only hear the muffled sounds of Jake and Sunghoon’s bickering, the sound of the television a little louder than them, the moving of pots and pans, and the metal sounds of utensils hitting bowls. Riki wondered what his Hyungs were making; it's not that he would eat anything, but something smelled good. It was normal to be curious; food didn't make him sick; he just refused to eat. When Riki didn't eat for two days, Taki noticed and said something to the same guy. He didn't pressure the younger but told him that if not eating food would make him weaker and he couldn't dance as well, Taki joked that he couldn't beat the younger if he was proposing making himself worse by not having fuel to keep him energized. The brunette started eating fruits little by little so Taki would have the fair fight he desperately craved. He thought about calling him; Taki wouldn't be hard on him or scold the younger but just listen, although Riki wouldn't do that; he couldn't call the older out of the blue and trauma dump him. The last time the two boys talked, Taki talked about his debut and how he was super excited about finally living out his dreams; Riki couldn't ruin his happiness like that; that would be such a bad move on his part. Taki was happy with his Hyungs, and Riki was happy for him, so why should he ruin it with his problems?

Riki wished his other Hyungs were like Taki; they would notice something’s wrong right away and call him out on it, but maybe that’s selfish; maybe he’s being grateful for wishing different people with different tells were the same.

Maybe that's why he was fighting with himself to call Taki, because he wouldn't immediately catch on that something was amiss, but isn’t this what he wants? For something to hear his cries? For something to save him before he’s forced back into the deepest pits of hell, isn't this the goal?

No. That would be too easy; it's not fun to watch someone heal before they suffer; it makes for a terrible story. No, Riki must fall before he gets back up. 

The boy kept staring down at his phone, hovering over the call button. He just wanted to hear a voice, a soothing, calm voice, not the one in the back of his mind. Perhaps the older one was with Euijoo, Nicholas, and K, and he could talk to them so he could calm the voices inside his head. However, they might ask him why he isn't with his Hyungs, or they might bombard him with questions about his health and comeback. Maybe Riki should just forget about the whole situation and talk to them when he's better, when he won't have to force himself to lie, and when Taki won't notice his phony smile.

Riki groaned, closing his phone and throwing it to his side, and tried to close his eyes; maybe if he took a nap, he wouldn't have to deal with the constant—

“Dinner's ready!” Sunoo's soft metallic voice rang through the dorm.

Dinner, public enemy number one, Riki had two options here: he could hide in his room, ignore his Hyungs once more, and go to sleep. This option was perfect; he could kill two birds with one stone, eating and the pressing questions of the older boys. He loves his Hyungs; truly he does, but they worry a bit too much, but eventually they would drag him out and tell him it's important to go to bed with a content stomach. Option two: go out, mingle, and push the food around his plate, although his Hyungs would notice and ask even more questions, and then they would encourage him to eat and get sad and emotional when he wouldn’t. Both options didn't end well, but option one was a little more promising, less confrontational; he liked it. Hiding out and waiting for the confirmation seemed so much better than diving in headfirst. 

Would it be better for him to wait and be dragged from the comforts of his bed or just suck it up and face the inevitable? The outcome would be the same. Therefore, Nishimura Riki groaned as he muscled enough strength to sit up on his bed, slowly dragging his body in hopes to delay himself from leaving his room; he could hear Sunoo’s voice ring through the halls again. He gets it, dinner is ready, he’s going; he wonders if he went slower, he would win the battle in his mind and suffer the consequences of his Hyungs bombarding him in the morning, but alas he couldn't hide forever.

Riki got up, shaking out his nerves, and walked towards the door. He could hear footsteps approaching; he rolled his eyes. Sunno just called everyone. Can anyone in this place be patient? Riki takes a little extra time to get out of his room, and they send in the cavalry.

 Riki opened his bedroom door, annoyed but not totally surprised at the figure in front of him. Sunghoon stood at the door, his hand rolled and raised as if he was in the process of knocking. Seeing the younger boy’s facial expression, the ice prince put his hand down. “The food is done; I don't know if you heard, Sunoo; we’re all waiting for you to join us.” He spoke softly, rocking his feet back and forth; it was subtle, but Riki noticed the older tended to do that when he was nervous. Do I make him nervous? Was it just Sunghoon? Did he make all of his Hyungs nervous? Was he doing something wrong? Was he being mean? 

“Yeah, I know, but I’m not hungry. I just wanted to get some water, and then I’m going to head to bed.” 

Sunghoon shook his head. “You can’t go to bed on an empty stomach; the boys made dumplings with miso soup; come on,” he said, a knowing gleam in his eye. The older boy took hold of Riki's hand, pulling him along as he started to walk away. Seeing the younger holding his ground, the older stopped. Riki could never refuse miso soup, dumplings maybe, but miso soup was one of the younger's favorite dishes; he always said it reminded him of home, and Riki even told Jay the secret ingredients his mother would put in to make it ten times better, so Sunghoon simply didn't understand why Riki wasn't racing to the kitchen. Usually the younger would be jumping for joy; he rarely got the chance to have food from his home. Korea is a country that rarely dabbles in other Asian cuisines, but the idea of food did not stir any excitement in the young boy. Riki was at the point in his ‘diet’ where even hearing someone talk about food made him queasy, although he didn't feel anything now; he would most likely would later in the night. So the brunette shook his head and pointed back to the comfy surface of his bed. 

“I’m good, really, I just want to go to bed.” Riki tried to be more stern, hoping his Hyung would take the hint.

“It’s miso soup. You don’t want miso soup?” He questioned, looking a little shocked. Riki held his ground and shook his head. “Why not? You’re always up for them.”

“I don’t know; I’m just not feeling anything right now,” Riki shrugged.

“If you don’t want to eat, at least say goodnight to everyone.” Sunghoon insisted, reaching to take Riki’s hand again and pulling him in the direction of the kitchen.

“Hyung, I really just—” He mumbled, “I just want to go to bed.”

“Okay, that’s fine, but after you say goodnight to your Hyungs,” Sunghoon pressed, ruffling Riki’s hair. Riki hated when they messed with his hair; he styled it a certain way, and touching it just made him look off, but he didn't have the strength to tell him; otherwise, he didn't want to make them mad, so he just let it happen, not bothering to brush the older off or try and fix his hair, simply dragging his feet as he was pulled out of the hall and into the living room.

“Riki-ah,” Jake smiled as he caught sight of the youngest, walking over to him and Sunghoon. Jungwon and Sunoo stood near the island, the food still on the stove. Riki could tell they were all waiting for him; he hated it. “Are you doing okay?” He questioned, placing his hand on Riki’s forehead, checking to see if the younger had a fever. Riki sighed, fighting back the urge to tell them the truth and say that he wasn’t okay, that he was currently at war with himself, that he was afraid of his own mind but was equally afraid of disappointing them and the fans. But he couldn’t say that; he couldn't burden them with his own problems, so instead he just nodded.

“What’s wrong? You look sad.” Jungwon's quiet voice filled his ears, the older coming over to join them, frowning at the vacant look on Riki’s face.

“I’m really tired; I just want to go to sleep.” Riki didn't mean to sound so bitter, but he didn't want to deal with this anymore; he felt exposed. Sunghoon ignored him and foiled his plans of simply saying hi and walking back into his darkness; all the boy wanted was to hide and ignore his solitude.

“But you have to eat something first,” Jungwon insisted. “Sunoo Hyung made dumplings and miso soup; you love miso soup.” Just like Sunghoon, the older couldn't let him go.

“I’m not hungry,” Riki shook his head, feeling irritated; he didn't know how many times he had to say it before they understood the words that were coming out of his mouth. Why wouldn’t they just listen?

“Nik-ah, you’ll feel so much better once you’ve had something to eat,” Sunoo said, cupping Riki’s chin and swiping his thumb against the mole beneath Riki’s bottom lip.

“Riki, you finally emerged from your room, I see,” Jay said as he entered the room, a smile bright on his face, but that quickly turned to a frown as he saw the younger’s expression. “Are you okay?”

“I’m tired,” Riki repeated. His patience was running thin; he was tired and annoyed at how long this game was running. His capacity for keeping them entertained with amicable conversation and soft rejections was slowly dropping, but the idea of snapping at them felt like a nightmare.

“How about you eat some dinner first? Me and Sunoo made—” 

“Made miso soup dumplings, I’m aware, but I’m not hungry, and all I want to do is go to bed,” Riki snapped, pulling back away from his Hyungs, yanking his hand out of Sunghoon’s hold, and pushing Jake away.

“Riki, we get it, we’re all tired, but you’ll feel so much better if you have a little something to eat. Just a bit, and then I promise you can go to bed,” Sunghoon said, his tone seeped with concern.

“You told me if I said goodnight I could go to my room, and I did. I'm going to bed.” Riki snapped, turning on his heel and walking towards his room; the boys could hear the door slam shut. They looked shocked; Heeseung, who just joined, was confused the most. The younger had never raised his voice, not even once. Something was wrong; he was angry and annoyed. The kid just wanted them to leave him alone, to stop bothering him. Why was it such a big deal to them if he ate or not? Why did his well-being matter so much to them? 

“What’s going on with him?” The oldest had just returned from the bathroom, ready to dive in and enjoy some good food before retiring and turning in for the night. He heard raised voices, and like most people, he got curious.

Jake, irritated by the younger’s sudden mood, shook his head. “Who knows.” The shaggy-haired boy turned and walked over to the stove, grabbing a bowl for himself, Jungwon, Jay, and Sunghoon, who followed behind.

Sunoo spoke first. “We tried to get him to eat, and he just snapped.” The blonde frowned; he hated seeing his member upset, and Riki had been upset a lot lately. He wasn't sure if he was the only one who noticed Riki's sudden change over the last two months, but his demeanor had been down; he’d been more distant and had been wanting to prove himself lately. Sunoo wasn't sure why, though. 

Jay shook his head. Jungwon sighed and passed the boy his bowl, took his first bite, and muttered, "I just wish he would talk to us." 

Heeseung was about to walk down the hall, but Sunghoon, who had settled in his seat, ready to bask in the wonderful feast, told him, "Don't try if you don't want to be yelled at; your food’s going to get cold.”

The oldest frowned took a seat and he ate his food, "He has to eat though," he muttered.

"We’ll pack up some food then, no point in wasting energy," Jay said, mouth full of food. “Eat.” The American urged, not wanting to deal with the younger’s rebellious behavior.

So, they did; the remaining six members ate as they fell into comfortable conversation, laughing and spilling secrets, Jake telling jokes, while Sunoo raved about the latest trend on TikTok. Although they were deeply worried about the boy down the hall, they all knew if they continued to push, the outcome would be pleasant. 

Before Jungwon went to sleep, he walked over to the youngest, he was in bed, sheets over his body, he knew that Riki wasn’t sleeping, he could see the tiny speck of brightness emulating  from his phone, he wanted to cuddle him, tell him that whatever he’s going through he didn't have to go through it alone, but that wouldn't change anything, Riki would continue to shut them again, the boy would cling to his touch exterior and deal with his problems on his own, like he always did, even when they debuted, whenever something happened, the brunette boy wouldn't let the older ones baby and take care of him, because Riki was tough, he didn't need anything, he could handle it, and he did, much to the older ones dismay, they still tried though, to give a little help when it was needed. Jungwon gave his shoulder a soft squeeze; he didn't know if Riki would feel it underneath the fleece blanket and the semi-thick comforter that shielded his body, but Jungwon hoped that he did, that the boy felt that his Hyung was there for him, that he wasn't alone, and even though he was pushing them away, Jungwon wouldn't leave.

                                                                                                                                                               ────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

 “It’s been a while since our last session; how have you been, Riki?” Dr. Porter asked, giving him a warm smile.

Nishiumra Riki, keeping silent, only looked at her and then back to the floor. The young boy sat on a blue-colored couch as he kept staring back and forth at the dark-skinned woman in front of him.

The black, curly-haired woman took his silence as a response; she sighed, writing in her notebook.

Like their previous session, Riki sat there, looking around the room, waiting for the time to pass. He liked Leigh Anne Porter; she seemed like a nice person. She was probably married with kids, most likely had a big house in the suburbs, and overall she had a calming presence. If this was any other situation, he probably wouldn't be so awkward with her, but she was a therapist, and the last time he was in therapy, it didn't end so well, so the brunette wasn't too keen on opening up and spilling all his secrets. The two had been there for about twenty minutes now; Riki’s eyes had been trying to look anywhere but at Dr. Porter. He couldn't help but glance at her every so often as she wrote in her little notebook.

Dr. Porter cleared her throat, taking a sip of her water, before looking up at the boy on the opposite side of her, smiling. “How are things with work? I heard you guys have a comeback soon; exciting, yes?”

“It’s good.” He answered, his eyes not moving from the wooden floor. 

“So, last time you were here, you dropped a big bombshell, how about we talk more about it?” The dark-skinned woman suggested, and the boy lifted his head, his eyes moving from the floor to meet hers again. “I know I kind of pressured you into opening up, and I apologize, but I was hoping that now you’d be more willing. I meant what I said: you can't move on until you let it out. It’s not good to keep all these emotions bottled up; this is a safe space.” Dr. Porter spoke sincerely, offering him a warm smile.

Riki took a deep breath. “It was more than just a sexual relationship with Eunwoo; I loved him.” 

“Loved him? Why do you think that?” She asked as she wrote in her notebook.

“He took care of me; I came here alone; I didn't really have anyone but,” Riki averted his gaze to the floor again, a habit he did often; he had no idea why. Was he embarrassed? Ashamed? “Eunwoo was there; he helped me learn Korean, helped me write, and gave me a place to live. He helped me get better at dancing; he was there for me; he cared about me.” Riki owed Eunwoo everything; the man gave him what he always wanted, a promising career; the boy would be nothing if he sucked at dancing. 

The dark-skinned woman listened as he talked, writing in her book as she paid attention to his words. Leigh Anne felt for the young boy; she could see how conflicted he was, and nothing more than to hold him in her arms, to hug him so tight as he talked about his feelings; she wanted to take his pain away so he could only know happiness. 

“Everyone told me I didn't know anything, that I was confused, and that I was just saying what he wanted me to say, but they were wrong. Eunwoo didn't brainwash me or make me do anything I didn't want to. I wanted everything; even though it hurt sometimes, I liked it, and when he left, I don't know. I was upset, but I couldn't act like it because that's not how I was supposed to feel.” Tears filled the boy's eyes as he rambled. “I’m supposed to be angry; I’m supposed to hate him, but I don’t. I miss him sometimes, and that sucks because I don’t know why.” 

“Why are you supposed to be angry? What's wrong with how you feel?” Dr. Porter questioned him. She wondered who he was referring to. They? Were they his family? Or his friends, who were the people who told him how he was supposed to feel? And why did they feel the need to put him in a box, clinging to other people who had similar experiences?

“Because that's what most victims are; they hate the people who hurt them; they hate them for ruining their lives.” The boy felt like he had to push the word out of his mouth, like it was stuck in the darkest pits of his throat; the word felt foreign on his tongue; he hated it. “That’s not me.”

“Victim.” The word highlighted moments of chaotic helplessness, like those significant moments were something that defined him; the word itself made him feel guilty. A victim is someone who has no choice, who has faced the worst moments, who has had life-threatening things happen to them, and that wasn't Riki. The brunette boy wasn't forced into anything; he had a choice, and he made it, so why did everyone around this turn the situation into something worse? The boy didn't see himself as a victim; he didn't feel hurt or used; he just felt confused and a bit sad.

Dr. Porter cleared her throat, seeing as the boy looked like he was going to puke as he said the word. “There is no such thing as a perfect rape victim; everyone deals with their trauma differently. You should have been expected to be like everyone else,” she wrote in her notebook. “But just because he was loving and kind to you doesn't excuse what he did.” 

The brunette-haired boy looked at the woman. “I’m not a victim.” Riki mumbled; his voice was low, but Dr. Porter could hear him loud and clear. “It was a relationship, a weird one, but I loved him and he… he loved me too, he said it every time, even when he was angry, my parents never said that; when they were angry, they would just send me away. Eunwoo didn't; he didn't use me, he didn't throw me away or treat me like trash, he—” Riki cut himself off; reaching down, he snapped the hair tie that was on his wrist, wincing in pain. Leigh Anne noticed, although she didn’t have a clue as to why; was it a punishment? Were the words that came out of his mouth and the words in the back of his mind different? Was the boy having a battle with himself?

Truthfully Riki felt like a child, a little kid who was being constantly told that what they thought was going on was wrong. Riki knew the relationship between him and Eunwoo was inappropriate, but they made a deal. Riki knew what he was getting himself into when he first agreed; he read the terms and conditions of his contract, and he abided by them. Deep down Riki also knew that everyone was right—Sohee, Yuki, Dr. Porter, Dr. Yoon—the boy wouldn't admit it though because that would mean he was dirty and pathetic, that he was disgusting for going along with Eunwoo’s game, for enjoying what Eunwoo—what they did together, and Riki couldn't do that, so for now, he would remain in this state. Clueless to his own mind.

“Okay, so it was a relationship, that's fine, but in relationships, there are things that you like and don't like that your partner does; no relationship is perfect. Why don't we talk about some?” Leigh Anne had come to the conclusion that at this point in time, there was no changing the younger boy's thoughts on the situation, but perhaps there was a way to help him look at it from a different perspective or at least slowly help him come to terms with what happened to him.

Riki took a deep breath, he could recall the first time Eunwoo had hurt him, it had a month into their deal and Eunwoo had insisted that after weeks of Riki giving the older man blowjobs that the boy was ready for the real thing, Riki had the other hand, wasn't so sure, sucking on a man’s penis and stroking it while the older gripped his hair was easy, Riki wasn't getting hurt, he wasn't at risk of being sore or bleeding from his anus, the “real thing” scared Riki, he knew Eunwoo would be rough because gentle wasn't in the older man’s vocabulary no matter how many times he reassured the younger but Riki wanted to make him happy, wanted to make Eunwoo proud, the brunette sucked up his fear and went along, because to him, being in pain for a little while was worth it,  if someone was proud of him.

“The first time we did it, he hit me; he was going too hard, and it hurt, so I cried and tried to push him off. He slapped me across my face and told me, ‘Big boys don’t cry.’ He warned me that if I was too much of a baby to handle things, he would find someone else, so I sucked it up. I still cried sometimes when it was becoming overwhelming, but I never tried to push away again or tell him no to stop because I didn't want him to find someone else. I wanted him to give me the extra practice time I wanted him to put in good words for me when the company asked about the trainees, “ Riki bit his lip. Looking back now, what he did was incredibly selfish, sleeping with his teacher so he could get in everyone's good graces so he could have an advantage; it was stupid.

“I didn't want him to touch anyone else like he touched me.” He admitted he looked at the dark-skinned women in front of him; he couldn't tell what she was thinking; her face remained still, like the stone blank face Sunghoon makes when he’s zoning out, but in this case, Dr. Porter was listening; he could see her nodding and soft hums as he recounted his sexual encounters with his former teacher, although she had uttered a word in response. Was it disgusting? Embarrassed for him? Could she not utter a word that would make his feelings normal, so she resorted to quiet sounds?

  “Is that all?” She finally speaks, looking up from her notebook. All? No, there was way more stuff that Eunwoo did that Riki hated, but there was even more that Riki enjoyed; if he started going down memory lane, would Dr. Porter want to stop? Would she gradually get disgusted by how Riki kept himself in these situations and did nothing to change it? Would Dr. Porter want to keep Riki as a patient or push him to the sidelines?

“I didn't like when he would make me dress up; Eunwoo would buy me revealing clothes; he liked to tie me up sometimes too. I think he enjoyed ripping them off; he liked making it hurt.” Riki paused; he remembered the first time the older male made him wear an outfit. Well, it wasn't technically an outfit because the material didn't cover him; Eunwoo had bought him some undergarments that were similar to girl panties but were thin and narrow. The fabric only covered his important parts; everything else was exposed. He was exposed, and he hated it, but in those moments, he couldn't do anything but comply. Even now he was exposed, letting out all his dirty secrets. “He would take videos, make me say things, and sometimes he would even invite his friends. Eunwoo didn't like to share; most of the time they would just watch, but sometimes he would let them do stuff.” There were a lot of bad moments with the older male, but there were also good moments too. “I liked when he kissed me, though; it was the only time he was gentle.” He finished, looking down again; he couldn't face her, couldn't look her in the eyes, afraid of how she was looking at him, afraid that she was disappointed and disgusted.

Dr. Porter looked at the boy with a frown as he spoke; she couldn't imagine what he had to endure and the effects that it had on him. Leigh Anne could tell he was embarrassed at how he quickly turned his gaze from hers to the floor; she wanted to hold his hand and tell him that it was okay and that the way he felt mattered. 

“Eunwoo did stuff you didn’t like; he hurt you and made you feel your feelings didn’t matter, only caring to satisfy himself,” Riki shook his head. She doesn't know what she’s talking about; she doesn't understand. He wanted to yell at her, tell the woman that she was a bad therapist, filling his head with lies. Plenty of people in relationships do things they don't like and get over it. 

“No, you’re wrong; anything that happened was consensual; I wanted it.” Eunwoo loved him, Eunwoo cared for him, everyone else was the problem. 

Leigh Anne kept going. “He lured you in and whispered sweet lies and promises to keep you under his spell; he manipulated and abused you. Riki, that man raped you. I know you can’t accept it no, but that man didn’t care about you; he only wanted to control you.” Dr. Porter to the boy, reaching out and putting her hand on his thigh. Riki got up from the couch, causing Dr. Porter to pull her hand back. The boy walked towards the door, wanting so desperately to walk out of the room; he couldn’t, though; he couldn’t leave just yet, so he walked over to the window, staring at the people below him, so carefree; they probably have nothing to worry about; they’re going about their day, the pressures of tomorrow outside their minds. He wished that could be him; instead, the boy was stuck in this room, reliving the traumas of his past.

 He wiped the tears that started to pool in his eyes and walked towards the other side of the room. “Then why don’t I hate him? If what he did to me was so wrong, so disgusting, and so terrible, why don’t I hate him for it?” Riki screamed, pacing back and forth behind the couch as tears trickled down his face.

Riki didn't understand; Riki wanted to cry. He gripped the bottom of his sweater, fiddling with the ends as he walked back and forth. He manipulated you; he abused you. The words sounded so foreign to him; it was like the words were going in, but the brunette couldn't piece them together. He didn't want to, because if he did, he would lose the world in his mind, the fantasy, that Hong Eunwoo had saved him, that he had welcomed him and took care of him under his wing. The man that loved him, that man was all a lie. Riki couldn't accept that.

The woman stood up, walking over to the frantic boy; he didn't see or notice the body in his path as he kept walking, his eyes still glued to the floor. 

The boy wiped his eyes; he couldn't cry, not here, not now; he had already let out so much; he couldn't afford to be any more vulnerable.

The woman walked over and touched his arms, stopping him in his tracks. She pulled him into a hug; the younger one wanted to push her away, but deep down, he needed this, and they both knew it.

"I miss him." Riki let out a sob, putting his head down and sobbing on her shoulders. A part of him wondered if this was inappropriate; was he overstepping by letting his guard down? It wasn't, right? She initiated the hug; he just followed along; it couldn't… Hong Eunwoo initiated the relationship when he offered to help him debut, and that was inappropriate; Riki went along with it, but the act was still wrong. That's how he got himself in this mess.

Riki abruptly pulled away, apologizing to the young woman who was confused. Riki walked around her and left the room as fast as his feet would take him. Tears were still in his eyes. He was so focused on getting out before he made a bigger mistake that he realized he left his bag. He couldn't hear Dr. Porter calling after him. He had to leave; turning back would be awkward. He was going to ruin everything again and get Dr. Porter fired. He couldn't do that; she was so nice to him. She was helping him, and he was taking advantage of her kindness. 

Though Leigh Anne Porter made it bearable, Riki still detested the idea of therapy, believing it was pointless and did not truly aid in people's recovery. The woman listened to him and seemed to genuinely care; she didn’t see him as any different than herself because he felt differently about his experiences, although it would take some getting used to discussing his feelings. A tiny part of him wouldn't mind indulging and coming back, but he cut it close today; it was only the second session, and he already messed up. Riki was unsure of his ability to cope with another slip like that.

Chapter Text

 November 27th 2019

Nishimura Riki was thirteen when he met Hong Eunwoo for the first time. Nishimura Riki was one month shy of his birthday when he had his first sexual experience. It wasn't one of his best memories, and it definitely wasn't something he would be sharing over a game of truth or dare. When most people have sex for the first time, they have a wonderful time; they brag and gush about it to their friends. Riki kept it a secret, to himself, buried inside where only he can know the true details of that night. 

Nishimura Riki knew about sex; he learned about it in the seventh grade. He learned about how to do it safely and what could happen if you had it with no protection, about the different types of sex a person can have—two girls, two boys, or just a girl and a boy. Sex education was a fundamental part of a adolescent’s education, so with all that knowledge about how to do things the right way, how did he end up giving his dance teacher a blowjob in the middle of the sweaty practice room after hours? How did Riki make the decision to exchange sexual favors for the knowledge that Eunwoo had? How did Nishimaura Riki end up sleeping with his teacher, just so he could have the chance to debut?

Nishimura Riki sat on his bed, reading a book about a little boy who struggles in an abusive home and finds comfort in a group of outcasts in his new school. Riki found the story to be comforting, a boy who is in a toxic family finds another where he least expects, although Riki didn't find them at school, and he knew someday if they didn't make it together, they would all eventually venture on different paths. He liked to think of Taki and Haru as his family, the people who are always there for him, the people who know him best. 

The brunette had the day off, all of the trainees had the next week off, and most of them took that as a sign to go home and visit family. Taki left for Japan the night before, and Haru went home to his mom before the boy woke up this morning, although both boys sent him a goodbye before they departed, leaving Riki alone again. Now, to be fair, Haru did invite him to stay with his family for the week, but Riki didn't want to impose on the short time they had together. Taki also invited Riki, but the boy didn't want to accidentally run into his parents, even if he missed his sisters; he would settle for brief phone calls and texts for now. 

Riki had been halfway through the book, enjoying this silence around him, when he heard the door open, Eunwoo was back, the older man would usually spend the days the trannies had off in meetings, talking with the higher ups about which trainee would be selected for debut, which one had the best potential, the boy had hopes they one day his name would be brought  up soon, the boy thought he was good, his vocal coaches said he was exceptional and Eunwoo said he was improving with dance, if he was selected for debut, then he successfully reached his dream and he could make his parents proud, his deal with Eunwoo would be over but maybe the brunette was thinking too far ahead, it had only been two months since he started. The young boy still had a lot to prove.

Eunwoo had pushed the younger boy’s room door open. Not even bothering to knock.

 Walking over, taking the book from him, and putting his hand on the younger’s thigh, while the other gripped his chin, forcing the younger to look up.  “Your name was mentioned today; Jungbae said that despite your short time, you’ve managed to impress them.”

“You’re good, but you still have a long way to go.” His tone was stern, like a teacher’s, but Eunwoo's eyes were full of lust; Riki could see it, and that didn't scare him anymore; it excited him. He liked the idea that Eunwoo would take care of him because he did good, and he should be praised for it. Riki never thought too much about his sexuality, he never put too much thought into it, he knew he like boys and he knew he liked girls too, it was simple but he also knew that being gay, being different wasn't accepted, most people were created for even entertaining it, when he told his older sisters, the two girls was so supportive, there were no ill intentions behind their words, although when he told his parents, it wasn't as welcoming, they didn't say anything towards him, but they didn't say anything good either, a simple “we knew you different.’ dropped from their lips and that was it, Konon reassured him that they still love him and didn't care about who he chose to spend his days with, they never talked about his sexuallity again, although few months later when Sora announced that she was gay, his parents were so supportive, that was when Nishimura Riki realized that his parents weren’t homophobic they simply just didn't care about him, they made sure he was fed, had clothes on his back and had happy childhood but they didn't see him as their son, but as a another child to make happy so they could keep up appearances.

That's why Riki was so eager to take Eunwoo’s deal, pleasure for productivity. Riki couldn't leave his home, set on being a K-pop idol just to flake out and be deemed as a terrible dancer. Eunwoo changed that; the man helped him practice and spent extra time making sure he was perfect, making sure he was good enough to debut. Riki had to keep up the appearance that he was as good as he claimed. Sometimes Riki wondered if he made the right decision, if all of this was worth it, what if he didn't debut, what if this simple exchange meant nothing in the end? Riki thought that Eunwoo was attractive, wise, and could teach him a lot, but what if that's where it ends? He doesn't debut after all that hard work, and Eunwoo throws him to the side, discards him like trash. Riki didn't want to think about the negative possibilities, but it was hard not to. Eunwoo could have chose any other trainee but chose him, the little foreign boy, that although had great experience messed up more times then he could count, sue he wasn't as bad as the other trainees but the boy heard what people said about him, that he shouldn't be here or that he doesn't have what it takes to become an idol, that all his dreams were just dreams and despite the reassurance form his friends, he believed the but didn't give up, then Eunwoo came and changed everything, the older man believed in him and promised to help Riki reach his potential, but that could change, so Riki would go along with anything the older man wanted, Riki would let Eunwoo use him as much as he wanted so along as Riki reached his dream. 

Eunwoo kissed the younger's head, his hand moving up his thigh. Riki hated to admit it, but he liked when the older did that, touched his body so gently; it made him feel good, gave him butterflies. He knew it was wrong to like it, to crave it, but he didn’t care; Riki loved that he was wanted by someone. “I think you’re ready.” The raven-haired man spoke softly; his hand went higher, now at the younger boy’s crotch, touching his penis, sending tingles through the boy’s body. Ready, Riki knew what that meant; for weeks now, the two had been playing it safe, having secret meetings in his office, playtime in the living room while the television played. Riki knew all about sex, but the boy had only been going as far as sucking and stroking the man’s penis, and Eunwoo didn’t push any further; the younger didn't think they would do anything else, the older didn't imply anything either. Riki didn't think he was ready; the older man fucking his throat every night was painful enough, but putting his dick inside of Riki’s… that scared the young boy.

 Eunwoo wouldn't be gentle; he knew that, but he didn't know how rough the man would be. Riki wanted to shake his head, tell Eunwoo that he wasn't ready, that they could try another day, but as he looked in the older man's eyes, he knew saying anything other than ‘okay’ wasn't an option; instead, the boy swallowed his fears and nodded, a grin displayed on his face.

“Good.” He mumbled, caressing his cheek. “My room, twenty minutes.” And just like that, Eunwoo was gone.

Riki watched as he left, leaving the door ajar.

Great, now I would have to get up.

Walking over to shut the door, he looked through the space; Mimi, his cat, was playing with the toy mouse. He got her. Riki wondered what it would be like to be a cat, not having to worry about a thing, spending the day having fun and eating, being loved unconditionally by their parents, not having to worry about the pain they would endure. Riki smiled, closing his door and walking over, wanting nothing more than to lie on his bed. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw his book at the edge of the bed, pages flipped. He picked up the book and closed it, placing it on his nightstand. He would have to go through and find the page he left on another time; he couldn't think about reading right now; he needed to prepare himself for what was about to happen in fifteen minutes. 

It wasn’t long, maybe about an hour. He could finally breathe; Eunwoo was anything but gentle. If someone were to ask Riki about it, he would tell you he cried or he tried at least.

Riki still felt the burn on his cheeks.

Big boys don’t cry.

The words were harsh, but the older man’s tone was calm. 

Riki lay on his bed, a mixture of blood and a white sticky substance leaking from his anus, vision blurred; it was too much for him, the pain radiating through his limbs, settling down in his bones like a child at the dinner table. His body ached; he couldn't move. Eunwoo had given him a kiss, telling him what a good job he did despite the tears welling up in his eyes. Eunwoo had told him he was so good and obedient that he made a good choice choosing him. 

Everything kept replaying like a broken record. The tears left his eyes, streaming down his face like a waterfall; he didn't know why he was crying. He wanted his, he wanted Eunwoo to love him, and he did. You love the people who hurt you, Riki knew that saying all too well, so why was he crying? 

He needed to move, but the sheets were so comfortable under his pain-stricken body, it felt like a pillow, so soft he could sleep, but the pain didn't subside; it was still there, lingering.

He wanted it to stop; he wanted to feel better.

After about two minutes, he heard the rushing of water; he wanted to go and check what it was, but getting up was hard, his body screaming in protest as he forced himself to stand up, legs felt like jelly, but he pushed on. Riki didn't know how much blood had been stripped from him until he looked back; a pool of red and white stared back at him. He could feel more dripping down his legs, but he had to see what was going on; water sounded so nice right now.

Walking, one step at a time, turning, pain.

Drop. Riki only made it a few feet before he fell; the room door was open wide. Now closer, he could feel the steam; he felt so relaxed. Was it Eunwoo? Did he spend an hour using the Japanese boy like a ragdoll just to throw the sweet act of a warm bath in his face? 

Laid on the floor, he stared at the steam, welcoming it in, hoping the sheer feeling would make his body aches go away.

Riki heard footsteps; Eunwoo had come, emerging from the hall, and picked up the frail boy, brought him to the room filled with steam, and placed him in the bathtub. It was nice, the boy thought; the older man had washed the small, frail boy, making him comfortable and whispering sweet words. Riki couldn’t remember them; all he could recall was that steam, the nice hot water, easing his pain. That’s all the young boy could bring himself to care about; he couldn't see the sinister look on the older man’s face as he watched the boy doze off.

The boy spent the next two days in the same cycle; he would spend the morning only drinking water, trying hard not to think about food; he would talk on the phone with his sisters and read some books; then, Eunwoo would come back; the older man would use his body like a ragdoll, apologize, and wash him off, whispering sweet words in his ear, and Riki would spend the rest of the day sleeping, the pain he endured long forgotten. After a while the boy had gotten used to it; he had craved it, the act of Hong Eunwoo using his body and praising him for his good behavior. Riki loved the idea of someone loving him, even though it was wrong, even though his body was painted with bruises, even though it felt wrong to indulge in the humiliating behavior of enjoying it; he did.

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

July 2020

When Riki got selected to be apart of I-Land, he was over the moon, he had only been training for about eight months, working extremely hard to prove himself and he did, he worked hard enough and was considered to be a part of a survival show, now this in no means is a guarantee that'll debut but its a chance, and a chance is better than nothing.  

Taki and Haru had also been selected for the show, which made Riki light up, the three had worked incredibly hard the past few months, had supported each other through it all and now they get a chance together, Riki was  just happy he wouldn't have to go alone, who knew they would other trainees there from different places and he knew it would be hard for him to make friends, he would eventually become lonely so he was grateful he had the other two with him, even if they wouldn't always be together in there, he had them at the start which was better than nothing. The trio spent the whole week before they had to leave talking apart. They wondered who else would be in attendance, other boys their age, some with more experience, or would they be older, more competitive and less friendly, either way they would make the most of it. Their coaches all congratulated them,  some trainees too although others held some resentment, Riki himself was a little scared, not of what would happen when he got there but what would happen in his absence, Eunwoo had been there training and taking care of him, Eunwoo had got him here, but would the older man leave him for someone else, another trainee eager to debut like himself?

Riki wondered if the man would discard him anyway, after he debuted.

It was late in the show, after some grueling challenges, everyone had received letters and and homemade meals from their parents, they all had the chance to relax for the next few days, although they were still stuck in the building, Riki watched as everyone jumped for joy, reminiscing about the past and how they’ve missed home, he couldn't, while everyone had received love from family, he had nothing, not a tupperware of homemade food, not even a note from Eunwoo, he expected radio silence from is parents, his sisters were a shock, but after all the time he spent with Eunwoo he expected something, anything and he was met with disappointment.

Later that night, Riki was in the bathroom, washing up for the night, questions ran through his head. Did Konon and Sora not care about how he was doing? Did he parents forbid them from contacting him? Did Eunwoo discard him for another trainee now that had a change of debuting? Was Riki all alone now? 

Riki felt alone, the last few weeks had be grueling, practice, sleep, wake up, eat repeat, being put on a pedestal, his fate lying in other people’s hands, he worked so hard, he cried a lot, pushed his body to the max and just one day he wanted to feel appreciated, like his hard work was meaningful yet while all the other boys received gifts and letters from family, he got nothing. No one cared about how far he had gotten, no one cared about the work he had been putting in.

You’re not trying hard enough.

You’ve made it this far so what, you want a cookie?

The only way you’ll be recognized is when you make it.

Stop crying and man up

Big boys don’t cry. 

The brunette boy dropped his head in shame, the devil in his mind was right, he was being a baby, he was being weak, people will only care at the finish line, not the training you took to get there, he could do this, he’ll debut, and he’ll make his parents proud, he’ll make Eunwoo proud. 

────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

In the last episode after the shooting, Riki went off alone; everyone was congratulating the final seven and sharing farewells. Although Riki couldn't find himself indulging in celebration, he was happy; he finally made it. After the year of pain and stress, he made his dream come true. He should be excited; he should be jumping for joy. The sheer happiness and disbelief that he had actually made it—that he was going to debut. There was also the despair and guilt that he had made it while many of his friends would not debut alongside him. Taki, Haru, EJ, Hanbin, K, Nicolas, Daniel Kyungmin, Jimin, and Geonu—all these boys who were with him at the start—they had all equally worked as hard as he did, and yet they wouldn't get that chance. It felt wrong. It felt inappropriate to be happy while others weren’t. 

 Taki and Haru noticed Riki’s disappearance from the crowd of trainees who were congratulating each other and sharing tears of happiness and went looking for Niki.

The boy had been halfway up the staircase leading to the dorms and the main room of the now quiet building. He was huddled on the steps, hugging his body tightly as if he were a baby being swaddled by his mother. He tried to keep all of his pieces from falling out and creating a puddle. Furthermore, he stared at the floor, swaying to the sides, trying to find some way to calm his nerves. Tears formed in his eyes, slowly dropping and hitting the wooden steps. He tried not to; he tried to keep himself up. It was wrong to be like this, a baby crying for attention even though they got what they wanted. He was weak. His lips were quivering as small whimpers and gasps forced their way out. 

Riki heard footsteps approaching and looked up to see the somber expressions planted on Taki and Haru’s faces. He released a sad, unnatural-sounding plea, all of his emotions pouring out at once. “Hyungs…” He sobbed. And it wasn’t a pretty sight. Snot streamed into his mouth, and the tears irritated his skin, leaving red blotches on his cheeks.

“Oh, baby…” Haru wanted to cry; the older boy had already accepted his fate of not debuting; he had already accepted the fact he had failed and now had to suffer the wrath of his parents, but he didn't expect to see Ni-ki run off while everyone else cried in joy. 

Ni-ki cried more upon seeing the two people he failed to keep his promise to. Taki was the first to move, taking his hand and squeezing it tight. Haru followed in suit, putting his arm around the boy’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” His voice was muffled, his tears making his words incoherent. The two older boys looked at each other in confusion. Sorry? What could the brunette boy possibly apologize for? He didn't do anything wrong. 

“We’re supposed to stay together, but...” Ni-ki muttered.

It took them a minute to understand, but the two raven-haired boys caught on quickly. The younger boy felt guilty.

Taki and Ni-ki had known each other since they were kids. Taki was the only one apart from his sisters who really saw Ni-ki for who he truly was. The two had met Haru after they both became trainees at BELIFT Lab. Since the first, the trio were inseparable. They made plans, dreamt about them, and set the path for the long journey ahead. Only now Ni-ki had come to the conclusion that the journey was over and the big plans they made wouldn’t happen, at least not together.

“Oh, Riki, we’ll still be together; our journey isn't done yet; it's just different.” Haru tried to reassure him, but the boy shook his head in disbelief. 

"After that, we won't see each other as much because I'm going to get busy." Ni-ki hesitated; he was at a loss for words. He was unable to express how he felt or how the idea of being parted from his friends broke him.  Ni-ki was aware that he had Sunghoon, Jungwon, Jake, and the others, his relationship with them was distinct from that with Haru and Taki, who were like two parts of him. As he was being broken apart into little bits and immersed in cement, his terror grew stronger. How could Ni-ki give his all to those six people who counted on him when he was still trying to find his pieces that were now covered in years of cement? How could he find all the pieces and give his everything when he didn't know where to start?

“Shh…” Taki tried calming him, “It’s okay.” As if trying to settle Ni-ki with white noise like he was a newborn baby. He and Haru pulled Ni-ki into a tight hug, Haru still squatting down on the floor in front of the crying boy, with Taki at his side. 

Haru squeezed his hand tightly. “Everything will work out; you’re not alone.”

Riki hoped they were right. Riki hoped nothing would change. 

What a fool he was.

Chapter Text

April 24th 2022

The day starts off normally, the boys had breakfast, and drove to the company, preparations  for Dimension: Answer were in full swing, it was planned to release next month so they had about a few weeks left, and they still had a lot to do, the boys had spent the past few days working on choreography and they almost had it down, the only thing was the youngest was still stumbling and although the six boys knew he was trying, they were  little irritated that after hours of doing the same routine he couldn't get it right, so they changed directions, the boys started on the songs, they were good but in hindsight, they could be better, they had a new songs for this repackage and they had to be perfect.

So the boys were in the studio, perfecting one of their tracks. Heeseung had written it and was trying his hand at producing; he was good at it. Riki liked that for him. He directed each of the boys as they popped in and recorded their lines. For a while, they stayed to listen and give their opinions and just to give each other the silent company they all were desperately asking for. Riki stayed for a while too, said hi to the other two producers that were working with Heeseung, and wanted to provide some encouragement and tell the boys they were doing great, but as he listened to his friends, all he could focus on was how poorly he was doing; his insecurities ran through his mind like a train. 

It was selfish; his friends are doing great, and he can’t muster up the courage to say something because all he was thinking about was himself. It was humiliating because he couldn't talk to anyone about this—Riki used to talk to his Hyungs about everything, but being bad at music was something he couldn't share; it was embarrassing to admit it to himself. 

His deep, soothing voice was cool; Engenes loved it. They said his voice reminded them of water, hidden depth, and wonders. Critics had also said that his voice was like waves rushing in among his members. His raps were good, but with his new song, there was a different aspect to it, like a new color among the freshly painted ones. Everyone loved to gush over his voice, always telling him how great it was. 

Riki didn't know where he stood within the group without it. He couldn't dance anymore. Heeseung and Jay were learning how to produce; they played it off like it was as simple as tying your shoelace. Composing and writing lyrics were easy for them. The vocalists all had their place in that group, singing intricate melodies, or hitting falsetto notes, or getting the emotional parts just right. Jake and Jay were the leads as the group's rappers; Riki was good too but not their level of good. All he had was dance, and that big torch was slowly being passed to Sunghoon. 

Everyone was learning new things, getting out of their comfort zone, but Riki was stuck. They only debuted a year ago, yet the way everyone was advancing while he was stumbling through the basics made him feel like he wasn't trying hard enough. Riki was the only one who hadn't tried writing songs yet. It's not like he wasn't trying; he just wasn't as good as everyone else. The act of producing was tough for him; he had no idea where to start, and he felt stupid for wanting to ask. 

Producing was just so much more than lyrics; he’d heard artists describing the taxing process starting with a melody or a beat and building a song from the ground up. Writing lyrics was only the most superficial of additions to the song. Maybe he had a shot at learning if he could learn in Japanese. Maybe he could ask Jay to help, but if he asked Jay, the older would surely go to Heeseung since he had been learning the process longer. Maybe producing wasn't for him; maybe he couldn't just leave that to his hyungs. Sunghoon, Sunoo, Jake, and Jungwon didn't know too much about producing; writing songs was their thing, although they were making an effort to learn. What was Riki doing? Moping around. 

Riki sighed, running his hands down his face and crumbling the papers in his lap, throwing them in frustration.

Today, the members were taking turns coming in and recording their parts. Riki had gotten his lyrics and guide track from Jay. This time he had a singing part; it was cool. He thought his singing was good, much better than his raps. He had nothing to worry about, but Sunoo was much better; the pink-haired boy’s voice was silky, a melodic and majestic tone that made sense for the chorus. Why didn’t they choose him instead? Jungwon’s voice was metallic and perhaps brassy, like the crackling of wood in the fireplace; his and Sunoo’s voices blended together. It didn't feel right to sing when there were better vocalists. Why was he put front and center?

The freshly dyed pink-haired boy was supposed to record after Sunghoon, so he waited in the hallway, blankly staring at the wall, thoughts running through his head. He had to get this right; he had failed in the choreography and the previous recording sessions; he couldn't fail this time; he knew he was probably overanalyzing this, but in a few weeks they would have a live performance, and if he couldn't do the recording right, he would definitely ruin the performance; embarrassing himself was one thing, but his members? He couldn't do that to them.

The boy stretched his neck, wiping his sweaty palms on his joggers, shaking his nerves off. He had recorded songs before; he didn't understand why he was more nervous. This is just a recording; it would be fine, right? He could mess up in the recording booth, but would they be angry with him? Riki could tell the other boys were stressed and upset that he couldn't keep up when just last year, he was going through the choreography like it was nothing, but lately he’s been struggling, and he could tell they wanted to say something to get their frustrations off their chests, but they wouldn’t. He really wished they would instead of just keeping quiet; he could handle whatever they threw at him. 

Riki has been letting his team down a lot the past two months; he’s been trying not to, but it seems impossible. His mind and body weren't working together, and he hated it. His dance was off, and now he was supposed to sing, and all he could think about was how he was going to fail again. He was too anxious to get up there and do perfect pitches; he was too overwhelmed with all the bad outcomes; he couldn't think straight. A part of him wanted to walk away, let them know he was feeling well; in a sense, he’d still be letting them down, and that fact would haunt him, but it's better than the alternative of embarrassing himself in the recording booth. 

The door to the studio opened, and Riki's eyes darted up anxiously, expecting to see Jake walk out and announce it was the younger's turn to record.

Instead, Jay was there, waving as he walked over. "Hey, Riki."

Hey, hyung." He smiled back, trying not to betray his nerves.

"Are you nervous? We could hear your heavy breathing." The singer sent a comforting smile.

Riki was pretty sure the older one was just being dramatic; the walls here weren't that thin, and he definitely wasn't thinking that much to where his breathing could be heard through the wooden door. 

“Funny,” Riki chuckled, trying to mask his growing fear. “I’m a little nervous; I didn't do too well last time.” The boy admitted.

Jay offered the younger his hand, pulling him up and into a hug. “You’ll do fine. Last time you were a little shaky, but today is a new day. Just remember what he practiced.” The older one gave encouraging words, but that didn't help the bubbling feeling in Riki’s chest.

“Yeah, if you think so.” Riki scratched the back of his neck, taking a deep breath. He would be fine; it was just four lines, barely a verse, but he felt like his life depended on these lines, that his little mistakes would lead to a bigger one. 

“Stop overthinking; you got this. We believe in you.” Jay reassured the younger one once again. 

Although his hyung’s kind words did not help the slightest, he appreciated the effort. Riki prayed to whatever gods they were that he wouldn't mess this up. The door to the recording room swung open, and Jake stepped out, giving a little wave. "Hey, guys! Jungwon said you can go in now."

Riki smiled, trying to calm his nerves and trying not to look nervous as he walked towards the room. Okay, thank you."

Jay patted his back as the two entered. "Remember, you've got this.”

Riki gave a thumbs-up as he walked into the booth, put the headphones on, and took his place in front of the microphone. He could see Heeseung and the other two producers, who he learned were Sang-Woo and Onjo. They were pretty well known in the industry. Onjo had worked with groups Ateez, Stray Kids, and soloists IU and G-Dragon, while Sang-Woo had worked with BTS, Twice, and TXT. Riki also noticed Jay standing behind them. 

Was he helping out? Giving the younger boy moral support?

Riki was nervous with three people in the room; the extra body didn't make him feel any less like he was going to faint. The four had bright smiles on their faces, but the brunette could tell they were exhausted. Riki smiled back, hoping that tiny part of him would instantly become more confident. 

Recording always made him nervous because whatever he sang here would be around forever. Once he went through the motions and was published, his voice, whatever he sang here, would be listened to over and over again. If his nightmares came true and he didn't do a good job today, it would follow him around forever. He could try it as many times as he needed; it wouldn't change the outcome of this recording. During shows or performances, the voice couldn't be slightly off during shows or performances; he could blame it on the dancing he had to do along with it, plus it's just three minutes. But this had the power to ruin him for the rest of his life.

It's not that bad. He reminded himself as Onjo pushed a little button on the desk and spoke. The producer's voice came through the headphones.

"Okay, Ni-ki, the music will start from the beginning, the first and second verses, and then it's your time to shine. Are you ready?"

Riki nodded, inconspicuously wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans. He hoped it wasn't too noticeable how scared he was to sing. He'd just never done this for an official song before.

He tapped his hands to the beat as the song filled his ears, the melody he’s heard so many times he could play it on a violin, well, if he knew how. 

His part came, and he croaked.

He froze, head empty; the words were in his head, and he knew what to sing, but his mouth couldn’t move. 

The lyrics were forgotten, hidden somewhere in his mind, despite the paper being in clear view in front of him. 

Stupid. Stupid.

Can’t do anything right. 

Heeseung stopped the music, and the producers looked confused. Riki grinned embarrassedly, "Sorry, sorry, I'll get it right next time." Forcing his smile, he needed to show that he was genuinely worried, which he was, but from the producers view, he probably looked like this didn't matter to him. This was the first time working with these well-known producers, and Riki was making a fool of himself. Maybe they would take pity on him; he’s going through a lot. Maybe that was why Jay stayed, to let the producers know that they needed to go easy on him. Maybe Jay and Heesung would speak on his behalf so he could get another chance. 

Blaming your failed attempts at singing on your mental problems? 

Pathetic.

“It’s okay, you're nervous; let’s run it again.” Onjo gave the boy a warm smile as Riki heard the music start again. He had this; he wouldn't miss his cue. The melody, Jake’s echoes, then—

Riki sang, hearing his own voice in his ears. The words on the page ran through his head smoothly, swaying to the beat as he went through his lines. He was doing it; Riki was overcoming his nerves and being a prominent member of the group.

You’re raspy.

You’re going too fast; slow down.

Your voice isn't matching the melody.

Pathetic, really. 

Alas, the little devil on his shoulder couldn't let him be fine for one second; his nervousness had broken through his walls and betrayed him. It was obvious to him and even more so to the four people on the other side of the room, their expressions of confusion and annoyance, although Jay and Heeseung had pity in their eyes a little too. Riki was out of air at the end, making the notes shaky.

You can’t even sing a note without losing your breath; how do you expect to be a part of this group?

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Riki let out a nervous laugh. "I can do this part, I promise."

Heeseung nodded encouragingly, but Riki could tell it was a facade. "Just take a deep breath, and we'll go again, okay?"

Riki nodded quickly, taking a deep breath and giving them the thumbs-up to go again.

He focused as much as he could this time, trying to keep his voice steady, thinking about every note, and trying to hit it perfectly. The singer's eyebrows knitted in concentration, hoping he'd sing this part well.

When it was over, and Onjo stopped the music, Riki looked up to see a conflicted expression on the faces of the producers in front of him.

Sang-Woo leaned forward and pressed the button on the table that would allow Riki to hear him. "I think you were a little too stiff this time," the older man suggested, "like you were trying so hard to be perfect, it almost comes out sounding forced. Let’s try it again and relax a little. It's good. You're doing well. This was better than the last one."

Riki nodded. "Okay." He tried to smile back, but he knew his attempt at positivity was wavering.

The music began once more. Riki sang again, and this time he was cringing before he even hit his second line. It wasn't bad, not really, but he was starting to dislike the sound of his own singing. They'd put the song in a pretty low key so that he'd be able to reach the notes, but this was a little too low, and he could tell that he was really pushing to make his voice strong enough. It made his voice sound strained, and he just didn't like it.

 The brunette glanced up to see uncertain smiles on the producers faces. He wanted to smile back, but he was worrying too much; all he could do was give a nervous grin. This couldn’t be good.

Not one take was good enough to be approved or enough to keep. Jay went through the recording process with him before; usually, they kept recording until there were three or four 'good' versions of the part, so they had options. Most of the members did not have bad takes; they would be perfectionists over it at times, but they wouldn't fumble and break down, not like he did. 

Riki had been making a lot of mistakes lately, and he knows that he’s been trying his best, pushing through, but singing isn't supposed to be super difficult; aside from the occasional word mix-ups and pronunciation errors, he was usually in and out of the recording booth in ten minutes. Riki was losing his talents one by one, and it was obvious he wasn't the only one who thought so. Behind the glass panel, Jay had long left the room. He could see the three producers turned away from him, talking in hushed voices. They hadn't pressed the button, and Rikin couldn't hear them. They looked a little worried and conflicted, and Riki fumbled with the hem of his shirt anxiously. They must be disappointed. His singing wasn't good enough. It was awful. The Japanese boy’s heart jumped into his throat as Sang-Woo turned to meet his eyes, pressing the button to speak. The expressions on their faces were unreadable; this couldn't be good.

They’re going to kick you off the song.

You’ll have one line at best.

It's probably going to be overshadowed by someone else.

This was embarrassing--he was supposed to be a musician. Why couldn't he sing like everyone else?

"Ni-ki, can you come in here for a second?"

Those words were never a good sign.

Riki's mind was racing with feelings, but he made an effort to appear as composed as he could. "Okay." He gave a quick smile, but even a novice could see the youngster was acting. Surely this can't be that bad? Kicking me off the song is the worst thing they could do. That's actually rather awful. They wouldn't, however. Would they?

Nervously fumbling with his fingers, the dancer removed his headphones and entered the door between the studio and the recording booth.

Heeseung smiled slightly at him. "Okay, Riki, we've got good news."

Riki's delicate features took on a puzzled expression as he frowned. Good news? Why? Riki had the worst in mind. 

The rookie was elbowed in the ribs by Sang-Woo. He hissed at Heeseung, "No--" "We're going to change your part, Riki."

"Oh." Riki mumbled, not sure what to think, but he couldn't say it was a big shock.

"Yeah, why isn't that good news?" Heeseung looked confused. "I thought this was good."

Onjo sighed. smiling tiredly. "Riki, I listened to your past recordings. You were great, barely missed a beat, but today you’re all over the place, and I can see you’re trying your best, but trying isn't what we need, right? You’re just a little unstable to be singing so early on in the track.” Onjo was trying to be sympathetic, showing genuine care for the boy's mistake, but she was upset and annoyed that her time had been wasted here, and Riki felt bad that she and Sang-Woo had taken time out of their day to watch a failure. 

"Oh, uh, sure, I guess so... What will I be doing, then?" Riki asked. Now he was starting to get a little worried. Would they just take him completely out of the track?

"We decided what's best to do right now is to switch out your first verse and then change your second verse to be a little shorter; the ballpark of it will be taken by Sunoo; your voices complement each other," Onjo explained. "Your voice is still the best one for that part, but you're still shaky. We feel like it's better for you to have that and some ad-libs in the background. The part you have is still crucial for the song.” 

No, it's not; you’re getting the smallest verse in the song.

Pathetic. Slow. Embarrassing.

Waste of space. 

Not even good enough for the first verse of the song.

Riki nodded reluctantly, uncomfortable with the idea of his part being taken away.

 "You still have the killing part, the ad-libs, and the dance break. It'll still be okay without that first verse." Onjo reassured him. 

"Okay, that's fine." Riki said in as stable of a voice as he could muster.

He was trying to sound confident, but his heart was sinking. Yeah, it was true, he had been a little shaky lately, but his voice cracks were just pretty. Eventually he would be back to his normal singing voice; he never had a problem with singing or rapping before. If someone had asked him, he would do either with no hesitation or problems; he was fast, he was stable, but now, he was a failure. The brunette should be relieved right now. He was getting a smaller part, something he wouldn't have to spend days stressing about. But, instead, he felt a bit disheartened. He wasn't expecting his voice to be amazing, but he'd hoped it was good enough. He'd loved the thought of singing, but now he’s being told he wasn't good enough for the cut; the words stung, making him feel more like a failure. Those weren't their exact words, but it's what they meant.

Heesueng smiled. "Why don't you wait in the hall, and we'll get her started on your verses in a minute?”

Riki nodded, walking out the door. He was embarrassed now, an uncomfortable heat starting to crawl up his spine. His throat clenched, and he felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. 

Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.

Going back to his spot on the floor near the studio door, Riki brought his knees up to his chest. He knew he was being dramatic. He couldn't be mad at their decisions. Riki sucked; he wasn’t good enough. They were absolutely right to give Sunoo his part and kick him to the side. A baby is good at a lot of things in their first few months; their bones are still made of cartilage, and they're still small, so they can still manipulate their body in ways people with fully hardened bones can’t. In a way, Riki’s like a fully fledged adult. When he was younger, he had a lot of potential; he could dance without problems, and his voice was fresh and melodic. He could go through a verse like the Flash saving a building, but now, he freezes and jumbles up lyrics. 

As a baby his bones could do anything, but as an adult, he struggled in the most basic areas. As an adult, he wished he could be small again so the most basic mistakes wouldn't be a huge deal, wouldn't define him, because he’s still learning, ‘he’s young, he’ll get there.’ Riki didn't even notice the tears running down his face; that had been happening a lot, Riki crying over something that could have been avoided, crying over his mistakes. It was stupid; he’s a big boy now, and big boys don’t cry. 

“Are you okay?” A soft, melodic voice filled his ears. The boy looked up; it was Sunoo. Enhypen’s best asset. A concerned look was drawn on his face. Sunoo was dressed in simple attire, a graphic t-shirt and some grey joggers; he looked like he just came from a 7-Eleven run. Sunoo was here to record some lines, Riki’s lines, because Sunoo’s voice suited them more. Sunoo was better for it; Sunoo would make the song better, and for some reason Riki despised him for that. It wasn’t his fault, though; the raven-haired boy was just good, and he couldn't help that he was more talented.

“Yeah… I’m fine, just tired.” He replied, Sunoo didn't believe him; the only thing that he’s been consistently doing is sleeping. How could someone get so much sleep and still be tired? Something was wrong with the younger boy, and Sunoo wished he could help. 

“Are you sure?” 

Riki nodded. “Good luck on the recording.” Riki didn't wait for the older boy to respond before getting up to leave, leaving Sunoo confused as he watched the brunette walk down the hall. Riki couldn't stay there and listen to Sunoo record the lines that were meant for him, the simple lines that Riki could master but Sunoo would pass with flying colors. He knew he should feel happy, but all he felt was resentment and shame. 

As the young boy walked down the hallways in despair, he stopped when he spotted a room, B-25. It was Eunwoo’s old office. It had been two months since he had left, but the room stayed the same: blinds closed and lowered to the seal, curtains down, just how the older man left it.

Reaching for the handle, Riki was surprised that it was unlocked. Has no one been to this room yet? This part of the building hasn't been used much; a few trainees and staff have used the practice and conference room, and the bathroom’s still warm. From time to time Riki used the old recording studio when he needed to get his head on straight. The truth is, no one at HYBE used the eleventh floor; some had claimed it was haunted, but Riki didn't believe the rumors. 

The room was dark as he stepped in, he could see the sunlight from the windows in the back, fighting its way in but terribly failing, he went over and opened them up a few inches, turning around he could see a little clearer now, everything was the same, nothing out of place, the blue walls and brown carpet, the brown and black desk he stood in front of and that big black Ergonomic chair that Eunwoo sat in while Riki was under the desk, sitting down himself, taking his phone out to scroll,  the chair was comfy, the armrests  and the seat cushion below were soft, like a warm towel fresh out the dryer, a part of him felt wrong, like Eunwoo would burst in the room and scold the younger for sitting in his precious chair. Looking around at the picture frames of art on the walls, Riki’s mind wandered. The boy had a lot of memories; he was in here twice as much as Eunwoo’s sky-rise apartments. The boy would come in here throughout the day after a bad lesson or recording session. Eunwoo pushed aside his work to comfort the younger, pulling Riki into his lap and caressing him, whispering sweet words while the boy complained to him about his woes. Eunwoo would reassure him and kiss him, telling him that it would be fine, that he did good, and that he would just have to work harder. Eunwoo would reward him for not giving up and pushing through. A sick and twisted part of Riki missed those days, the times when Eunwoo would pamper him and fill him up with his own version of love. A sick, twisted part of Nishimura Riki missed Eunwoo, and he couldn't understand why.

The brunette boy was broken out of his daze by his phone alarm. Taking his hand, he reached and turned it off. A sticky substance coated the edges and the screen, but not enough that he couldn't read, Eleven forty-five., It was almost time for his Korean lessons, the thing he dreaded the most. Maybe today Minji would be in a good mood and she would be gentle with him, but those odds were slim to none. He also saw a bunch of missed calls and texts from his members, all concerned about his whereabouts and well-being.

Riki texted their group chat telling them he was fine and that he was sorry for making them worry for the past thirty minutes. Looking down and to the side, Riki opened the bottom drawer, and hoping everything was in the exact place, the boy found a gray, worn-out rag and wiped himself down until he was free of any mess, although he still felt sticky. As he began in this moment, he felt exactly like Eunwoo, disgusting and vile, getting off to the distant memory of the nasty things he and Eunwoo would do in this room, at the older man’s house. Riki was disgusted at himself, and now he had to go through the rest of the day acting like he didn't spend the last half hour jerking off to distant memories. 

After fixing his gaze on the younger boy and heading downstairs, dreading the next hour he had, it seemed like Minji had gotten meaner the past few days. Last week, she had hit him. Minji got angry easily and would lose her temper a lot but had never put her hands on the young boy before, so Riki was stunned and vowed to make her happy from now on, but Minji wasn't easy to please. Lately Riki has become her personal punching bag, and although Riki deserved every strike for making her upset, deep down he wished she would hit something else instead. Minji was heavy-headed, so every time the older woman put her hands on him, Riki felt like he would pass out or get a concussion, but he pushed through; he would take everything she threw at him. Nishimura Riki was strong, and he would prove it.

 

 

 

 

                                                                                                             ────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

 

 

The band of boys reached their dorm well late into the night, each of them equally as exhausted, too exhausted to cook so they and ended up buying takeout from chinese place a one the way back, well everyone accept Riki it had now been a full three weeks of the youngest journey of not eating and the boy couldn't feel himself getting hungry anymore nor could he stand the taste of food, as his hyungs were ordering, he stood outside keeping himself busying  responding to fans on Weverse, updating them about his day, the boys were worried even more now, they had all thought this fiasco would end by now but it came to the point where Riki wouldn't even sit at the breakfast table with them anymore, and although they knew he most likely wouldn't eat, Jungwon still got him some food to go hoping that the sight of them eating would prompt him to join them and delve into the delicious savory food. 

The group of seven settled in, taking off their shoes and bags and getting ready for dinner, and although they were all equally hungry, Jay had been strict about washing up before eating at the dinner table, so while the food lay in bags on the counter, they began to circle through the shower one by one. Riki went last in hopes that they would start eating without him. 

Behind closed doors he could finally breathe. Riki’s chest was aching, one shaky hand reaching up to press over his eyes as tears pooled in them and strained sobs expanded in his lungs and tried to press up his throat. Today was a disaster; everything he thought would go wrong did. He messed up in the recording studio, and his part was given away; he wasn't good enough. Minji was still hard on him, and he couldn't take her abuse. The worst part was, he didn't know how to change it; something was wrong with him, and he didn't know how to fix himself. 

The four boys started filling the room as Jay and Heeseung got plates from the cabinet and started plating the food, and the starving boys dug in like this had been their only meal all day. The older ones noticed the missing body from the group. The shower was still running, so they could only assume he was still in the bathroom. Jay set a plate anyway; Riki would have to eat at some point. 

Riki normally didn't spend long in the bathroom; he was out in twenty minutes, but after a satisfying rinse, he found himself staring in the mirror. He had gone back to a no-food diet weeks ago, yet he wasn't getting any thinner. That doctor was right; he was fat, and he hated it. He looked disgusting. If Eunwoo were still here, maybe Riki wouldn't hate looking at himself. Eunwoo had put him on a diet of fruits and vegetables, and since he left, the brunette hasn't stuck to it. The boy had been doing a lot of cardio too, but he's been slipping. He no longer had the older man to ground him. Riki had failed him, and he would be so disappointed.

Shaking his head, he walked out of the bathroom and entered his room, putting on clothes and settling in for the night. He could hear the sounds of his hyungs talking, the clatter of utensils and tableware clashing together. He missed that, being able to talk to his friends, telling them everything that was running around in his head, but he knew he couldn't; they wouldn't understand, they’d be embarrassed and disappointed in him, and Riki couldn’t handle anyone else hating him right now; he had enough hate for himself. 

It’s crazy how the brain still sends signals to the body even though the body has shut down all ties. Riki's brain was in desperate need of fuel, but the young boy couldn't keep anything down; his body had gotten accustomed to not eating food. Yet his stomach still growled, and his brain was screaming. For the first time in a while, his body and brain were agreeing on something, and he hated it. He couldn't eat; he had a goal to meet, and eating would disrupt his progress.

When Riki was a kid, eating was his favorite part of the day. His mom would make lunches every day for school. His lunch boxes normally consisted of soup dumplings (jiaozi), onigiri, shrimp tempura, and taiyaki as the dessert of the day. When they had first become a group following the conclusion of I-Land, and Jay had made them their first home-cooked meal to eat together as Enhypen, Riki had nearly cried into his dinner. His hyung had made dishes from home; the older had no experience cooking Japanese dishes but still went out of his way to test the waters to cook so Riki could feel at home. It had been the first time he realized he wasn't alone anymore, that maybe he did have a home in Korea. Maybe he did have a family. 

But now the idea of food makes him sick, even the dishes he once couldn't wait to eat; food has become something he despises. Riki didn't know when the negative relationship with food started, maybe it was when Eunwoo told him that because he was eating too much his dance moves were sloppy, that the only way for him to become a better dancer was for him to lose the extra weight and to go on a diet, there was that time when he was younger he was bullied by a few kids in class because he was too thin, Riki was told he needed more meat on his bones, kids would laugh at this boney arms so he started eating, more than a few meals a day turned into nightly bingies and snacks hidden in his closet, his mother found out and scolded him, told him that he was foolish for eating so much and than he would never be a good dancer if he he was fat, so he stopped eating a few weeks later, he went on a strict water diet.

Riki wondered if he would ever truly enjoy eating again. Sometimes it felt like a chore, even if the plate was decorated in appealing dishes and it made the room smell good. He never felt good eating; his mind always wandered to the what-ifs of it all.

What if I gain weight?

 What if people stare at me?

 What if I look weird?

Riki was pulled out of his spiraling thoughts and distant memories by the feel of his earbuds being ripped out of his ears with a small yank. The young boy took a second to respond to the unwelcoming interruption. The boy lifted his head to see an annoyed expression staring back at him, his phone and earbuds in his hands, which were sitting behind his back.

“Get up, you’re eating with us.” Heeseung’s tone was calm, but Riki could tell the older man meant business. 

The younger one rolled his eyes. “Give it back.” The younger one demanded. The raven-haired boy had no right storming into Riki’s room. It was an invasion of privacy. What if the younger had been in the middle of changing? What if he was in an important phone call?

Heesung shook his head. “No, you need to eat; let’s go.” The boy was unfazed by Riki’s sudden aggression. Since last week, the maknae has been avoiding food altogether; wherever they go out, he only drinks water and makes excuses to avoid eating. Everyone had noticed—other idols walking by in the building, their stylist, and a few higher-ups. Yuki and Sohee had given the boys an ultimatum: Riki would eat and get his act together, or he would be pulled from promotions, and the latter would break him, so they came up with a plan. 

“I’m busy.’ He responded. 

 

Heeseung rolled his eyes. “You can be busy and eat; let’s go.” The older boy grabbed the younger boy's arm, trying to get him out of the bed. Riki shook him off, groaning and retreating back to the comfort of his sheets. 

“You can have these back once you’ve eaten.” Heeseung tugged lightly at Riki’s arm, the boy falling out of bed, Heeseung unfazed by Riki’s dramatics. 

“Move.” Riki groaned, getting up from the ground, rolling his eyes, and giving Heeseung a scowl. “Now.” 

The older boy moved to the side, making room for the boy to walk out, with a  sigh of frustration the brunette obeyed, Heeseung trailing closely after to ensure he did indeed head into the kitchen.

Jungwon was eating as if this were his last meal as Riki sat down next to him at the table. Sunoo and Sunghoon were whispering at the other side of the table, no doubt about him. Jay and Jake were engrossed in a conversation about their new obsession, while Heeseung sat on his left side, staring, occasionally eating his own food but glancing up at Riki, watching him, waiting. It was creepy. The brunette wanted to tell him off, tell him he was being ridiculous, watching him like he was a child. So he wasn't hungry. Why was it a big deal? People don't eat all the time.

The plate was still warm under his hands as he moved the pieces of meat and rice around. The sight of it made him sick. Everyone around him was eating like this was the greatest thing in the world, engulfed in their own conversations. It hurt him. Heeseung had forced him out of the back, demanding he come eat with everyone, and they’re just ignoring him, talking amongst themselves, like he was nothing but a shadow that clung to their backs wherever they went. Heeseung stopped staring after a while; perhaps he got tired of being a parent. The six were now in a conversation about their comeback without him. Choreography, concepts, and performances were talked about, yet he wasn’t invited in. Riki could only sit and listen as they blatantly exiled him. 

Riki huffed in annoyance, setting the plate aside, getting up from his chair, and walking towards the couch in the living area. Getting everyone’s attention, he sat on the side closest to the window, simply staring outside, zoning back out into the dark clouds layered over the sky with the promise of rain.

He tried not to let it hurt him as he thought about how he hadn’t even been invited into the conversation; perhaps they thought he didn't care, and his little efforts during any preparation couldn't have given them that impression. No matter what, before all this had started, they’d always invite him to whatever topic they were discussing, asking his input, but then again, they’d never tried to coax him into eating with them; they were always patient with him, leaving food in the fridge, giving a shoulder to cry on. The past few days, he’s been yelled at, humiliated, and manhandled out of bed, and for what? To drag him to the table under the premise that they could all eat together when he was all but ignored, Riki wondered if maybe they were getting used to him just not being there already. He wasn't trying to isolate himself; he just wanted his peace.

It made sense; he wasn't doing it intentionally, but to everyone else, he was closing himself off, hiding in his room, not eating lunch with them, and going off to a secret room in the company building. He was slowly going back into his shell, like before, during I-Land, after their debut. Everyone else was slowly moving on, getting their own person in the group, while he was left on the sidelines. Their concerns for him were nothing but work, making sure he ate, he slept, and he got his parts right. If Riki’s going to be an idol, he’s going to do it right; his hyungs cared little for him.

It was logical; he wasn't doing it on purpose, but to everyone else, he was withdrawing, hiding in his room, skipping lunch with them, and disappearing into a hidden area in the company building. He was gradually retreating into his shell, just as he had done during I-Land and following their debut. He was left on the sidelines while everyone else was gradually moving on and finding their own place in the group. They only cared about his work, ensuring he ate, slept, and got his recordings and the choreography right. If Riki’s going to be an idol, he’s going to do it right; Riki's hyungs didn't give a damn about him. 

Riki gazed out at the streets below, blinking away a few lazy tears. A small part of him started to imagine what the rooftop view of the city might be like, standing so high above the hazy lights of speeding traffic and looking down on it with nothing standing between him and a swift plummet to the ground floor of the complex. As he made his last drop to the asphalt roadways below, he pondered what it would all look like as he plummeted. He shivered, inhaled a trembling breath, and squeezed his eyes shut against the dazzling images, so vivid that they had made him feel too lightheaded to imagine.

 Feeling the wind about him and experiencing a brief sense of freedom and unrestricted movement would be pleasant. Like that one episode of En-o'clock where they went bungee jumping, he put on a strong face despite being  afraid. He wondered if he was just flying. It was thrilling; the wind went past him in a split second. He went from being so high up to being down below in an instant. Although stepping off the ledge of a building would be different, there wouldn't be a harness or cord to help him back up. He would then be able to completely lose himself in the idea of flying through the air on graceful wings and experiencing the pure freedom he observed in the birds so smoothly.

His thoughts were interrupted. He must’ve been daydreaming for longer than he’d thought, as, when he was brought back into the present, he could no longer hear everyone in the dining room. They must’ve started to get into bed now.
His thoughts were interrupted. He must’ve been daydreaming for longer than he’d thought, as, when he was brought back into the present, he could no longer hear everyone in the dining room. They must’ve started to get into bed now. 

Heeseung stood a few paces away, frowning at the sight of the discarded plate of food, and Riki realized belatedly that it had been a deep sigh from the older that had drawn him back out of his head.

The older boy took the plate of food and walked over. Riki tracked Heeseung’s movements as he stepped closer, coming to a stop right in front of him and lowering himself, placing the plate on the coffee table. He was crouching before the younger’s curled-up form. He reached out, closing one of Riki’s hands on his own, but Riki snatched it away quickly. Jay sighed again.

“Riki, we need you to eat something,” He said, but the younger one just looked away, staring back out the window. “Riki, please. You can have your phone back once you’ve eaten, just try, ok?”

Heeseung didn't get any acknowledgment from Riki, not even a nod or a glance at the elder person, and no indication that he had heard him.

The raven haired boy’s voice softened, his tone so gentle and inviting that it made Riki shiver, “I know you’ve been having a hard time. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but if we’ve done something wrong, we’re sorry. We don't ever want to hurt you.”

Riki's eyes hardened and his claws squeezed into his forearm as fury surged inside him, forcing him to suppress a sneer. Heeseung could see what was happening, seeing how his fingernails sank into his sensitive flesh.

“Are you angry? Because we care about you?” he asked, reaching out to try to remove Riki's hand from his arm and stop him from hurting himself, the brunette pushed him away and curled up closer to himself in what he hoped was a strong indication that he wanted to be left alone. “I can’t help you if you don't tell me what's wrong, please, talk to me.”

The two plunged into an awkward silence as Heeseung waited for an answer he knew deep down he wouldn't get, he waited anyways, his patience solid as he knelt there, as though he thought maybe if Riki were to become uncomfortable enough with the silence, he’d be more inclined to break and open up. But Riki didn't mind the quiet, it was peaceful, the prospect of simply continuing to gaze out the window  was better than the alternative of taking to Heeseung. 

Eventually, the raven haired boy’s patience ran out, Riki knew the moment it did, when he let out a heavy huff and ran a hand through his hair with obvious frustration. 

“Here’s the deal; I’m gonna go shower and if you haven't finished half of your food, by the time I get back, your phone and earbuds are gone for the next week, okay?” Heeseung asked but he didn't wait for a response this time, pushing himself to his feet and turning around to leave as the younger groaned with anger and dug his nails hard into his skin so hard that it had started to shake. He tried his best to breathe through his mini tantrum, not wanting to resort to violence and throw the plate across the room. 

Riki stomached his annoyance, moved towards the plate of food, and lifted a spoonful of rice to his mouth, and at the same time, he felt upset about it. The food smelled good; it would probably taste delicious, but he had a goal. He needed to lose all this extra weight, and he couldn't do that if he was constantly stuffing his face.

Riki brought more spoonfuls of fried rice to his mouth, chewing without tasting, and swallowing sluggishly. The more he ate, the more his stomach twisted and cramped. Even though he had been so gentle in trying to get Riki to talk to him minutes earlier, Heeseung's patience with him was generally wearing thin, and he knew that this was what everyone wanted, so he forced himself to continue even though his stomach churned with nausea so strong it made him cry. This was the most he had eaten in days. He just wanted them to be proud of him.

Riki had cleared nearly half of the plate by the time Heeseung had returned to the living room, a towel slung over his shoulders and his dark, damp hair shining in the dim light coming in through the windows. He hoped Heeseung would be delighted with it; he was hardly managing to push back the impulse to throw up. He turned to face the window, his face buried in the pillows, his lips squeezed firmly together, his face contorted with a grimace of misery, and one hand resting on his cramping stomach. He turned away in the hopes that Heeseung wouldn't notice, but after nearly two years of living together, Riki realized that the older seemed to have a sixth sense of sorts for when he was in pain or otherwise upset. As he walked up to the youngster, who was huddled on the couch, it seemed to have hummed back to life, even though Riki hadn't really felt it had been functioning all that well lately.

He heard Heeseung moving the plate, picking it up and placing it down in the sink before walking back and sitting behind Riki on the couch. Riki flinched as he felt Heeseung’s cold hand settle over his own that was splayed out on his stomach, letting out a displeased grunt as he weakly tried to shrug the older off. He couldn’t help but feel a little bitter, now that the meal that he had been forced to eat was causing him pain.

“Sssh, deep breaths,” Heeseung whispered. "You just have to keep it down, ok?” his hand rubbed up and down his back. Riki turned around, facing the older boy, making a sound of disgust before putting his arms about his stomach once more, which caused him to whine involuntarily and in pain. Heeseung let out a quiet sigh to himself. Heeseung sighed softly to himself. “I’m going to get you some tea. Take deep breaths until then. I don’t want you throwing that up; I’ll grab you a bowl in case you really can’t help it.”

When Heeseung returned with a bowl, he placed it directly next to Riki, the boy wincing and sniffling in humiliation at the sight of it. “I need you to try really hard to keep your food down, okay?” In an attempt to console him, Heeseung took time to massage Riki's back, moving his palm up and down over his bony spine until Riki's shaking subsided.

“I’ll be right back then,” he said, squeezing Riki’s upturned hipbone softly before leaving him alone again. Riki sniffed quietly through the menacing tears and grabbed for the metal bowl, bringing it closer with shaky fingers. His nausea seemed to have subsided to the point where he didn't really believe he would throw up, but that realization left him feeling a kind of unfathomable disappointment because it meant he would now have to digest every last bit in his stomach and endure the excruciating cramps during the entire process.

Riki brought two fingers to his mouth and opened his mouth. He looked to the side to make sure Heeseung was still in the kitchen,  propping himself up and slipping his fingers into his mouth as far as he could. His eyes stung as he forced himself to gag, coughing around the obtrusive fingers as he struck the back of his throat. There was a severe contraction in his gut, but nothing came up. A sense of desperation twisted inside him when he heard Jay in the kitchen and the sound of the kettle boiling in the distance, like white noise. He needed to be quick.

Riki pressed his fingers down his throat harder and deeper until his gut tightened up again and a scorching pressure gripped in his head. A sick-sounding cough bubbled up his throat, causing his nausea to resurface like a ton of bricks. He poked his hand into his neck again, saliva thickening and flowing down his palm. He brought up his undigested food by pulling his hand out and quickly doubling over the bowl while he wretched loudly.

There was a warm hand sliding over his back, and another down, brushing his hair off his face as he strained uncomfortably over the bowl. 

 

“It’s alright, it’s okay. Just let it out,” Heeseung whispered softly as Riki whimpered and gagged. There wasn’t all that much left for him to bring up, leaving him spitting out streams of pure stomach acid at the end as he quivered, sweating from the physical effort of his body having seized up so intensely and so repeatedly. “There we go, that’s it. You’re okay now,” Heeseung soothed as he helped Riki sit up, leaning him back against his chest. He felt paper towels wiping over his lips and chin as he cried softly, swallowing against the ache in his throat and the awful taste on his tongue. 

“It’s alright, it’s okay. Just let it out,” Heeseung whispered, Riki whimpered and gagged.  The younger was trembling and perspiring from the physical strain, his body having seized up so violently that he was spitting out streams of pure stomach acid because there wasn't much left for him to bring up. “There we go, that’s it. You’re okay now,” Heeseung soothed as he helped the younger sit up, Riki swallowed against the pain in his throat and the terrible taste on his tongue, feeling paper towels wiped over his lips and chin.

“Sorry,” He hiccuped, feeling guilty for what he did, but not regretting it as the hollow emptiness he’d become so familiar with returned to his stomach, bathing him in relief.

“It’s okay,” Heeseung reassured him. “We’ll try again tomorrow morning, maybe trying something with less flavor.” Riki cringed at the thought but forced himself to nod in acknowledgement. “You still want the tea?” The older boy asked as he stroked Riki’s sweaty hair slowly. Riki shook his head, reaching up to rub at his nose with the sleeve of his sweater.

The boy asked as he softly rubbed Riki's sweaty hair, Riki shook his head and used the sleeve of his sweater to rub at his nose.

“I just want to lie down,” he whispered, and Heeseung hummed.

“Don’t brush your teeth tonight; just use your finger to smear on some toothpaste and let it sit for a minute, and then rinse, ok?” Heeseung instructed, and Riki nodded. “Can you stand?” Another nod.

Riki stumbled to his feet, pushing himself from the couch, Heeseung supporting himself with one hand around his slender bicep.

“Can I get my phone back?” Riki asked as Heeseung stood up beside him, releasing his hold on Riki.

“I put it in your room with your earbuds. It's late; please don't be up all night. You need sleep.” Heeseung used that tone of his, the one he used when he needed to be stern and strict but didn't want to overstep any boundaries. At times, Riki thought of the older of his dads; he would always have that tone when talking to his children, he always spoke to his kids in the same tone that he had used to wait for Riki and his sisters to give him the response he expected to hear—a tone that was mirrored in Heeseung's voice at that moment.

Riki did as Jay had said, and had smeared toothpaste over his teeth and gums in lieu of brushing them with his toothbrush, and while he’d let it sit, he’d splashed his face with cold water to try and ground himself and calm down from the distressing experience of making himself throw up like that. It had been unpleasant to say the least, but Riki knew he’d do it again if faced with a similar situation.

He rinsed his mouth thoroughly and then got into bed, so relieved that his exhausted body practically melted into his mattress. Even though he was aching and yearning to sleep, he was overcome by an unexplainable, excruciatingly paradoxical wakefulness as soon as his head touched the pillow.

The fact that he was unable to sleep despite feeling crippled by fatigue was the ideal way to cap off his unbearable day. He wanted to scream, kick, and act like a crazy toddler because it wasn't fair, but instead he controlled himself by burying his head in his pillow and holding on to it until his fists trembled and cramped.

Riki listened to some sleep music while gazing into the night through his earbuds. He wished for a better day tomorrow and for solace in his dreams.

 

 

 

          ────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──────

 

 

​​Riki had done it once more; he had had those dreams again, the one in where he was with Eunwoo in his home, and the older man rubbed his naked body against the younger's delicate one, pounding into him till the younger would tremble and gasp for breath while whispering lovely nothings into his ear. Eunwoo would be so kind and compassionate when Riki accepted whatever he was given. He detested these dreams, they were interfering with his efforts to forget his past and the vivid stories his unconscious mind was conjuring weren't aiding him in this endeavor. 

The other two boys in the room were asleep, it was two thirty, and the sun hadn't risen yet, but Nishimura Riki was awake and he felt disgusted. Though he wished it hadn't, the younger's dream had excited him.  The past ought to be behind him, but it persisted in creeping up his neck and becoming lodged there like a rash. 

Being as silent as possible so as not to wake the other sleeping boys, Riki got out of bed and walked across the hall to the bathroom, locked the door, turned on the shower, took off his soaked undergarments, and stepped into the steam, prepared to wash away all the filth he had collected from his perverted mind. 

The water's temperature does not decrease; rather, it keeps rising, and he is aware that this is not ideal. His skin is burned by the boiling water, but the part of him that believes he deserves this doesn't care. He clenches his jaw and squeezes his eyes shut as he attempts to breathe through it. Maybe the heat would distract him from everything; perhaps this punishment would help him forget about the mess he had made.

Riki always thought about killing himself,  but it sounded pitiful to gradually harm oneself until one was at the end. Why delay the inevitable when you can simply die if that's your desire? Riki was pitiful, setting himself on fire to make himself feel less guilty about the disaster he had made and the burdens he had put on others.

He knows he’s spiraling. His shoulders are now dripping with boiling water. With a rapid inhale, he briefly feels the water's heat. He ought to share it with someone. Even though the house contains six other bodies, he still feels a world away from them and their support. He is unable to contact them and has no desire to do so. They already have enough problems to cope with, and he would just be another one.

When he leaves the shower, shoulder aching and pulsing and tight, tears welling up again, he did this to himself, so why was he sad? In the hopes that no one doing laundry will discover his sinister secret anytime soon, he gathers everything he was wearing and buries it beneath the other garments in the laundry basket. He puts on his softest clothes, ones that won't stick to his skin, and heads back to his room, where he lies down on his comfortable blankets and reads a book on his phone in the hopes that the words on the little screen will soothe him back into oblivion.