Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He looked down at the mess created by the assassin, who took him by surprise. He could not believe that he almost lost another child, another of his babies. He could do nothing but think about the curse he carried with him. Each of his loves falls into demise due to his job, a job he started to work on because of his desperation to support them, which then turned addictive like a drug.

His mind collapsed within himself, his heart sunk deep within his body, nowhere to be found, his love escaping through his tears. Yet, he could do nothing but clutch at their bloody remains.

"Kazuki, is everything okay?"

"I think it will be now, Rei."

How had he missed the chaos, he didn't know. All he knew was that his world was in tatters, with nothing but his own shrivelled heart and broken body as a company. His mind had no other thoughts to think of, his body no home to go to. He was no better than a robot, doing everything within his capabilities to stop the yearning of his heart, the craving of his mind and the warmth of another body. Yet, he knew he could have none of them, for they were the opposite of what his job required of him.

Due to his desperation, he had joined this job. Now, he could do nothing but lose all the warmth that he ever had. The only company he could have was that of the moon, which escaped once a month. He knew nought where it went. He knew what it held, but it was the only sturdy company he could rely on.

He knew it existed before him and knows it'll exist after him. He knows that its gentle light will carry his warmth. But yet, he begs the moon to take his love to his loved ones in heaven, whom he knows he could never meet. Not even in his afterlife. His sins were too many to be pardoned.

"You know that you can also tell me your troubles, right? I know that I am not the only one traumatized. Everyone who works our job is traumatized. I know from experience that it's not good to bottle emotions."

"Mmhm, I am aware of it. That is the sole reason why I want you to speak to me. Our lifestyle prevents us from going to any therapists, so we can only do so much with what little we have."

"Please do remember that we cherish you. We love you."

"Yes, I know. I love you both too. You are a major part of my life."

His blank eyes showed nothing but his desperation to hold something. He knew it was something out of reach, a misery caused by his choices. He wished for his late wife to be by his side, cradling their child in her arms, waiting at home with a warm dinner after he returned from his 9-to-5 job. Alas, his hopes were crushed right in front of his eyes. As much as he wished to do so, he couldn't forget the memory of her dying in a blast caused by him to kill his target.

That night was the first one he had spent under the moon. He looked to the sky and begged her: Can I send my heart out to you? For they died, which they must do no matter when. Could you carry my love and shine it on them? I can not beg for forgiveness, for it is not something I deserve. If I had not been so hasty, I would have noticed her. I could have changed my plans to include her escape. I was so excited that this was my last vacation before my paternity leave. It is my fault. It is always my fault.

Kazuki knew that time had passed, but he hoped to remain disconnected. He could blame his bleeding heart for forgetting his pain. While people say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, the opposite can also be true. Kazuki would not say what he usually said; instead, he thought: I have been exposed to Suwa long enough to become immune to his habits, or at least tolerant of him enough to clean up after him.

Kazuki had let Rei into his heart with the small changes he didn't notice. The changes came slowly, with Rei's growing hair and adoration changing from Suwa to Suwa-san to Rei-san to Rei. The final nail in the coffin was Miri. She burst into his heart just as she had into his life: with a bang. She had just lost her father, and her mother had abandoned her. She was just a wee child. It was not her fault that adults did not know how to act with children. Kazuki knew she deserved to be loved and held with care. He may have projected the love he wanted to give his child onto her. But who was he to say anything when his new daughter did not complain about anything?

She was his to love. He knew it. Rei knew it.

Rei, oh his dear Rei. Kazuki knew that Rei did not have to care for Miri the way he did. To be fair, Rei took a while before letting Miri call him Papa. But after he let her call him Papa, he treasured her. Oh, how he treasured her. It may not have been like the love of a typical parent, but they weren't typical parents. They were two men raising a child together. They were two men, one in love with another and the other disinterested in everything around him. It was surprising for their neighbours to see Rei smile and hold little Miri's hand while walking her down to the community park in their locality. Rei never did look like a family man. He looked the part of his job, a cold-blooded killer. This situation is why Kazuki was seen as the honey trap, while Rei was considered the sharpshooter. Yet, Rei pushed his reputation away to care for Miri.

And oh , didn't that cause the frosted remains of Kazuki's heart to melt into a puddle? Kazuki knew that this love came from deep within him, with all of him. It was the same love he held for his wife and their unborn child. He thought he had lost that feeling forever when he lost them. They did not belong to him. Nothing that he loved belonged to him . Yet, he belonged to them. His heart belonged to them—his partner in work and all else and the child who was not his flesh and blood. Yet, he loved both of them deeply.

When Miri called him Papa, he realized his life still had colour. His love for Miri began as he was on the path to falling in love with Rei. Loving Miri was like holding a soft plushy for the first time, eating spun sugar for the first time and adding honey to chamomile tea after a long day. It was like the joy of firsts all humans experience while finding their tastes.

However, unlike his love for Miri, his relationship with Rei had become a habit. Loving Rei was like seeing the sunrise, like the shades of the sky during dusk, like the moon in a cloudless sky, like the sparkle of stars in a moonless night; it was like the passing moments one falls in love with every day. Loving Rei caused smoke, gunpowder, sweat and musk to smell like amortentia. Loving Rei caused burnt food, energy drinks, black coffee and sweet syrup to taste like ambrosia. Loving Rei was everything and nothing all at once. Loving Rei felt like a habit and a chore at the same time. Loving Rei made him feel. Loving Rei was ingrained into him. And he knew that he wouldn't change a thing.

When Miri holds his hand and calls him Papa, he feels a deep warmth. Her childish antics, which often gave him ulcers, only endear her to him more. She showed him the life he could've had with his child. She showed him the joys and sorrows of parenthood. She showed him the challenges of being a role model. She revealed to him Rei's softer side. She gave him reasons to live, reasons to love. She was his baby, here on earth, nowhere close to meeting his baby in heaven. She showed him what his heart was worth. Her existence showed him how to use his heart. His heart was like a rosebud, and Miri was the morning dew that encouraged it to bloom.

It was the fourth death anniversary of his wife and unborn child. When the house was silent, Miri was asleep, and he sat on the balcony. He mused that it was a full moon—a full moon night. It had been a full moon when his wife passed away, and now, as reminiscing, it was a full moon again. He smiled at the moon and made a wish: When it was my turn, you shone your light down on me, here, for her. She blessed me with a child and another love. She made me understand that all my actions have consequences. She taught me how to fall hard and fast and gave me Rei, who taught me that love is a habit. She was a true blessing. She was the dream and ambition I gave up. She was an experience I would never forget. At one point, she was everything. Now, she is just an experience. Who knew that time could change everything?

Nothing in this world was for free. Experience added to everything. As Kazuki grew older with the love of his life, he relied on his time with Chihoko. Every year, he prayed for Amane and Chihoko to be together in heaven. Amane deserved all the love in the world. Some days, he wishes Amane was alive to see them play with Miri and grow old with her. It was a futile wish, yet a strong one.

Chapter Text

After Rei's bullet wound, he was unable to use his right hand. He injured his dominant hand, and the doctors told him that his auxiliary nerve was damaged. Rei knew that his hand would not go back to how it was. The injury to the auxiliary nerve in his right arm limited its movement. He assumed that Kazuki would leave him and take Miri with him. It would break him for good, but he can understand Kazuki's reasoning. Taking care of a disabled person would eat his time, and he had to take care of Miri. He was surprised when Kazuki stayed back to help him.

It was hard. Physiotherapy was more excruciating than any injury he had experienced. It was worse than what he experienced when Kazuki stitched his wounds without an anaesthetic. He had forced his body to move when it rejected him. It didn't help that his shoulder was swelling. The swelling was a sign of healing. That was what the doctor told him. He assumes that this is a bald-faced lie. Kazuki said that it was true, so it must be

Rei admired Kazuki. Kazuki was a superhuman. He dealt with Rei's issues and Miri's tantrums simultaneously. Kazuki had dug through whatever Rei had saved and inherited to buy a cafe near the seaside. Who was he to reject the head of the house—their house? Kazuki was the one who dealt with Rei's finances. Rei had not touched his finances since Kazuki had entered his house—his home.

He never thought of that lonely place as his home. It was a place. A shelter he could turn to. He only had an ashtray, a bed and a gaming station before Kazuki moved in. When Kazuki moved in, he brought joy and happiness. Kazuki glanced at the apartment and walked out. Rei thought that it was good riddance.

He had thought too soon.

The next day, Kazuki walked in with a broomstick, a vacuum cleaner, a robot vacuum, and a mop and kicked Rei out. When Rei returned home, he found the entire place clean, refurbished, and decorated.

That was the story of how Kurusu met Suwa. It took a long while before Kurusu turned to Kazuki and even longer for Suwa to turn to Rei. But it was worth it. The amount of memories they made together was worth it.

Kurusu was very stubborn, but he was good at his job. He was a honeytrap, unlike Rei. Rei always wondered how Kurusu never got rid of his clientele and instead kept them as a backup source for information. Rei could never do that. Rei could understand Kusuru's clients. Kusuru was addictive, more addictive than cocaine or any other drugs, more addictive than a phone to an escapist, and more addictive than the concept of death to a nihilist.

Rei was determined to get closer to Kusuru, who became Kazuki in his heart. He spent hours online, diving into articles and forums to find something to appease his partner. It was his way of showing that he cared, of trying to bridge the gap between them. He tried to peel pomegranate for Kazuki. But instead, he accidentally cut his fingers. He tried to peel oranges for Kazuki. He squirted the juice in his eyes. He tried making a meal. He burnt the utensils and set the fire alarm. He tried his hardest. But instead, he ended up making a mess that Kazuki cleaned up.

Rei assumed his father would not kill Kusuru. Kusuru was a subordinate of Shigeki, unlike Pochi. Rei thinks he is more attached to Kusuru than he was to Pochi. After all, Pochi was a dog. Rei tried his hardest to show his attachment and form a bond with Kusuru. However, Rei's experimental methods drove Kusuru away instead of drawing him close.

It was not all Rei's fault either. He inherited his features from his father, with his mother's body. While he looked terrifying when hunting his prey, he looked like a depressed college student when relaxing. He assumes that this is what drove Kusuru away from him. Well, reading Kusuru's file also let him know that Kusuru had recently lost his wife and his unborn child in an accident of his own doing. Rei thinks Kusuru should have been more careful. But he also feels that he should've been cautious about Pochi. Rei believes his input is invalid due to his callous approach towards human nature.

Rei knows that he can not show his feelings properly. He can not associate them with how others describe it to be. When he shared this with his father, his father commended him. Rei doesn't know how to think about that. He knows that his father is not a good man. Still, it was his father.

After a while, he told Kusuru about this. Kusuru did not yell at Rei or commend him like his father did. Kusuru glanced at Rei and asked, "Can you understand what I am feeling? Can you tell when my emotions change? Can you tell when I am displeased?"

Rei thought back. He could tell when Kusuru changed his emotions. It was hard to tell what he was feeling. Or was it? He was unable to understand what he felt. He does know that he can feel. He feels warm. Sometimes, he feels cold. Other times, he feels a lump in his throat or a dull thud in his stomach. Rei tried telling this to Kusuru.

"I can feel. I don't know what I feel. It sometimes feels like a flutter, sometimes a stone, sometimes like a prick in my head. I don't know how to tell what it is. I know it exists."

With downcast eyes, Kusuru addressed Rei.

"I am so sorry for how I treated you. It was wrong. The way I behaved with you. You are a nice person. You let me stay with you for so long. You didn't complain when I revamped your house. You tried your best to make me feel comfortable. But I yelled at you instead of praising you. You are a great person. You can feel, you know. You might be having dyslexithymia. It is a type of alexithymia in which you have feelings and can recognize them. You can not associate them with the proper words, though. You notice the change between emotions, but you can not differentiate them. That's okay." His voice broke. "If only I had noticed this sooner..."

Rei didn't want Kusuru to look like that. He looked bad. He looked much prettier when he smiled, being himself instead of the person he was trying to impersonate. Rei craved to be by Kusuru's-no, Kazuki's-side. Kazuki felt warm. Kazuki was always warm. He felt like the stove's heat after a long day in the rain. He felt like the first lick of a puppy. He felt like the first Sun after a snowstorm. He felt like what Rei thought yellow would be like. He craved to be by the warm side.

Rei felt like the moon, constantly revolving around something larger—like the Sun—reflecting light but never truly shining on his own. Just as the moon affects the tides, he believed his presence brought calm to those around him, especially during chaotic moments when only the last resort seemed possible. He embraced the mystery of who he was, understanding that, like the moon, he had his rhythms and depths, often hidden but deeply felt by those who took the time to look. And now, he felt exposed. Kazuki dug too deep. He knew Rei too well. Rei didn't know what to do.

He sat in silence as sobs wrecked through Kazuki. Rei knew his boss would command him to kill Kazuki if he learned that Kazuki read through Rei. Rei wondered what his father would say and if he still assumed Rei to be his son. Rei racked through his brain to think of people he could talk to. Kyuutaro.

Kyuutaro might be the boss' subordinate. But he could still keep a secret. Rei prayed that he would keep this a secret. If this got to his boss, he couldn't imagine what would happen to Kazuki.

Sitting beside Kazuki, Rei made plans to meet Kyuutaro at night.

As Rei walked into the bar, he flipped the bar sign to 'closed'. As he flipped the sign, Kyuutaro opened a drawer, pulled out mission papers, looked at him and asked, "Where is Kusuru? He is not on any personal mission right now."

Rei looked at him sharply and replied, "I am here for your advice, not to go on a mission."

Kyuutaro chuckled, which then turned into a peal of full-bellied laughter. Rei began to reconsider his choices before realizing this was his only choice. He sighed before talking over Kyuutaro.

"You know that I would have never come to you if you weren't my only choice. Even I hate the fact that you are my only choice. Also, it is about romantic rendezvous."

Kyuutaro cocked his eyebrow at that. "Why didn't you ask Kusuru about that? He literally acts as a honey pot on your missions. He could help you better than I ever could."

The answering silence gave a better answer than whatever Rei could've blubbered at that moment.

"You like him, don't you?"

Rei looked to the side, not answering the question proposed.

"You know you have to open your mouth and talk for me to understand your problem, right? You shutting up doesn't help anyone."

Rei sighed. "I know that I have to talk. I don't know what to say. At first, when I noticed my heart skip a beat, I thought I was having palpitations and was allergic to him. I Googled the symptoms to figure out what was wrong with me."

"I knew you were stupid, but I didn't know you were that stupid."

"Shut up. Just because you are aro doesn't mean you can disrespect my feelings."

"Yada yada yada, bla bla bla. Shut up. 'Doesn't mean you can disrespect my feelings.' You know that you have to face this before you can get advice from me. So, tell me, what had you running for the hills?"

"Kazuki. I don't know what to do. I know I am not allergic to him and may be attracted to him romantically, according to the internet."

"That is a good way to get started. So, you found yourself liking a guy. Now, you need to get him attracted to you."

"I tried all the tips the internet gave me. I did household chores, and he yelled at me and told me I was doubling his work. I took him out on a date, and he dragged me to buy groceries instead. He said that I was stressing him out. I don't know how to seduce him."

"You don't have to seduce him. Stick around long enough for you to become a constant in his life. Grow on him like mould. Make it impossible for him to get rid of you."

"It's Kazuki. You should know that he can recognize psychological manipulation."