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TREK OFFICE  - “Space Nookie”

FADE IN:

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE, ENTERPRISE-D - STARDATE 41153.7 - NIGHT

PICARD stands at the head of the table, with RIKER seated next to him on the left and CRUSHER on the right. Next to RIKER is TROI. Across from TROI is DATA, and to his left LA FORGE and WORF.

PICARD

Thank you all for agreeing to convene this evening. 

He starts to sit, then decides halfway down to stay standing.

It has been brought to my attention that myself and Dr. Crusher have become the subjects of discourse among the staff.  

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

We all knew why we were there.

DATA TALKING HEAD

DATA

I was not aware of why we were asked to convene. 

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD looks at CRUSHER, who gives him a nod of encouragement. 

PICARD

It would seem that among the parley there has been some…speculation.   

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

I had not heard any rumors…but if I had, I would have throttled the dishonorable ensign who dared to speak ill of the Captain.

(beat)

I am not saying I did this, I am simply stating that I would do so.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Jean-Luc is soooo dramatic. Like, one ensign saw him holding Beverly’s hand in Ten Forward, and suddenly we’re all getting a debrief. 

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD sneaks a glance at CRUSHER. She immediately looks away, but with a hint of a smirk.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

The energy in the room was very…sensual. 

CRUSHER TALKING HEAD

CRUSHER

(blushing)

It seems that Jean-Luc and I were…observed together…in Ten Forward.

PICARD TALKING HEAD

PICARD

A member of the staff thought they saw something untoward occur between myself and Dr. Crusher in Ten Forward. That could not be farther from the truth.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD addresses the crew around the table.

PICARD

As your Captain, I feel it is my duty to address such…drivel. Lies that challenge my character and integrity—and that of Dr. Crusher.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

He has to make a Federation case out of everything, which actually makes it 10 times worse.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

I believe that the Captain had his heart in the right place. He thought he was protecting himself and Beverly…and the deep feelings that are shared between them.

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

He should have just denied it. I mean, first of all, no one really believes lower deck gossip. 

(beat) 

Except Riker—a messy bitch who lives for drama.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Um, rude.

(beat)

I will have you know that I am actually quite tidy.

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

Second…everyone knows that the Captain and Dr. Crusher have been doing more than “canoodling” for…I don’t know, 42 light-years?

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

Captain Picard need not worry about his honor. In fact, if he were Klingon, mere hand holding would be nothing of consequence. Hearsay would not begin to emerge until the mating rituals had…escalated.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

TROI stares across the table at CRUSHER, compelling her to look up.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

I was trying to communicate to Beverly that her secret was safe with me.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Deanna told me Jean-Luc and Beverly were deffo sleeping together.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

ANGLE ON: CRUSHER looks, very pointedly, across the table at TROI. They engage in an exchange of increasingly animated looks—a conversation without words.

PICARD continues his speech. 

PICARD

However, I do believe that members of this ship’s crew are entitled to their privacy. Although, at times, our personal lives do become entwined with our professional roles as traverse the stars as a united force…

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Jean-Luc Picard can see a threat coming from a star system away but he has no idea that the entire ship knows he’s got the hots for his CMO.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

I don’t think you need to be an empath to perceive the sexual tension between them.

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

The personal relations of Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher are not my concern. But I have a great deal of respect for both, and I would honor a strategic union between them.

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

Look, they’re both great people. I don’t have anything wrong with…whatever they’re doing. I just don’t need to know about it!

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD, who has begun to ramble, fades a bit. He looks sheepishly at CRUSHER for strength. She nods slowly. 

PICARD

And so, Dr. Crusher and I have discussed the situation and feel that the best course of action is to be honest. 

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

It was actually very sweet. Deep down, I think Captain Picard is a bit of a romantic. 

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

I gave Jean-Luc some synthanol before the meeting. He was a little buzzed.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD had managed to hype himself up this far, but now that the moment of truth has arrived, he freezes in fear. He looks a bit desperately at CRUSHER, but she’s nervous too.

PICARD

Dr. Crusher…perhaps you would like to…

He gestures vaguely. She looks at the crew, then back at PICARD. 

CRUSHER

I um…certainly. 

She clears her throat.

The Captain and I shared a quiet moment together in Ten Forward last night. And he did, at one point, take my hand.

An awkward silence, then—

DATA

Where?

CRUSHER

Hm?

DATA

Where did he take your hand, Dr. Crusher? 

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

Data’s my best friend and I love him, but he sure knows how to get himself into some real shit.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

ANGLE ON: CRUSHER, trying not to laugh.

CRUSHER

Oh, Data…I meant that Captain Picard— 

She reaches across the table for DATA’s hand.

—held my hand. As a sign of his…

She looks expectantly at PICARD. He hesitates, then slowly—

PICARD

Affection. For her. For Beverly—erm—Dr. Crusher.

DATA TALKING HEAD

DATA

I did not immediately understand why it would be suspect if the Captain took Dr. Crusher’s hand in his. It seems that there would be several plausible explanations for such an action, very few of which would be classified as untoward. 

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

DATA cocks his head slightly.

DATA

I have analyzed the behavior in the context you have provided, but I am unable to reconcile the exchange you have described with the unofficial report regarding the ensign’s purportedly inappropriate observations. 

He turns to CRUSHER.

Unless you were offended by Captain Picard’s gesture?

CRUSHER smiles at PICARD.

CRUSHER

Not at all. It was…very much desired and well received.

DATA

I will update my analysis to account for mutual consent.

DATA cocks his head again, calculating.

RIKER sighs like a bored kid in class. 

RIKER

Data, let me save you the computing power: Captain Picard took Dr. Crusher’s hand because he can’t just come out and say that he worships her like a resplendent ancient goddess.

TROI 

It’s a subtle but powerful move. Metaphorically and physically reaching out to share one’s heart with another…

WORF

It was a clear intentional mating signal.

LA FORGE

Data, Captain Picard has a “crush” on Dr. Crusher.

DATA

That word, “crush,” is often associated with destruction and pain.

(beat)

However, given the varied sexual preferences among all living and several non-living beings, I will not assume ill-intent or displeasure.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

No kink shaming on the Enterprise!

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD is flustered.

PICARD

Erm—

WORF

Data is correct. Pain is a highly desirable in Klington mating rituals. 

PICARD and CRUSHER blush.

TROI clears her throat to speak to the crew, but she’s looking at CRUSHER.

TROI

I think perhaps we should allow the Captain and Dr. Crusher to maintain a certain…air of mystery about their relationship…

RIKER

Relationship?

(to PICARD)

Did you make it official and not tell me?

He dramatically brings his hand to his chest.

Now I’m the one who’s crushed.

DATA

Commander Riker, are you also involved in the union between Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher? I am aware of polyamory. 

RIKER forces a laugh.

RIKER

No, Data, I was just being silly…

His face falls slightly. He looks longingly at PICARD and CRUSHER, then straight at the camera, forlorn.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

(meekly)

I mean, I wouldn’t say no…

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

RIKER (CONT’D)

(looks back at PICARD)

Wait, does Q know?

Q TALKING HEAD

Q

Oh, Jean-Luc never invites me to his official congregations. We prefer to keep our little tete-a-tete’s off the record. 

A pause continues, a bit crestfallen. 

But if he had sent me an invitation, I would never be so pitiful as to immediately accept it. 

He chuckles. 

No, I would respond with a MAYBE. Some may say it’s a bit…passive-aggressive, but I think of it more as a tease. Dangling a little treat.

(beat)

C’est moi. I’m the treat.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

DATA studies PICARD and CRUSHER carefully.

DATA

Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher have formed a binary that is defined by mutual respect, adoration, and passion.

PICARD

Well, I suppose that is one way to put it.

DATA

Have I said something false, sir?

RIKER claps DATA on the back.

RIKER

Oh no, buddy. You got it exactly right.

He gives PICARD and CRUSHER the most shit-eating grin.

Jean-Luc loves Beverly.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

It’s a universal constant, actually.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

LA FORGE drops his head in his hands and sighs.

LA FORGE

Data, look—we can talk later. The gist here is that this meeting is happening because Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher want to keep their private lives a secret from everyone else. 

DATA

If that is correct, I do not follow the logic of holding a meeting with the express purpose of divulging the true nature of their relationship.

RIKER

He’s got you there, Jean-Luc.

CRUSHER

Data, we wanted to make sure that the members of the senior staff knew the truth. We just don’t think that everyone on the ship needs to know.

She looks around, smiling.

We trust all of you and think of you as friends.

Q TALKING HEAD

Q

The fire-haired, tap-dancing maven of medicine?

He sighs.

I’m sure she’s a lovely woman but I just don’t know what Jean-Luc sees in her. 

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Bev? Brains and boobies. 

(beat)

Respectfully. 

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

Dr. Crusher is brilliant, kind…I’m pretty sure we’ve all had feelings for her at some point.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

Beverly is truly beautiful inside and out. She’s one of the dearest friends I’ve ever had.

She smiles. Then, looks down at her lap sheepishly. 

I’ve always found her to be very…sensual. 

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

I do not consider Dr. Crusher physically attractive, but she is a highly intelligent and honorable woman with whom I am proud to serve.

DATA TALKING HEAD

DATA

Female. 

(beat)

Did you require more information about Dr. Crusher’s sex?

PICARD TALKING HEAD

PICARD

Beverly is…

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

ANGLE ON: PICARD, gazing at CRUSHER. CLOSE UP on her as the camera slows. A soft, tinkly melody hums from nowhere. The light in the room shifts just right, for only a moment, such that she is illuminated by an almost ethereal softness.  

PICARD TALKING HEAD

PICARD (CONT'D)

…everything. 

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

TROI turns to DATA.

TROI

Data, the Captain and Dr. Crusher have not done anything wrong. It is perfectly natural for two people who care a great deal about one another to explore the potential of those feelings. Preferably, free from any judgment or interference by others.

She turns her head sharply to RIKER, who puts his hands up as if to say, “who me?”

DATA

(calculating)

Based on my assessment, I have concluded that Captain Picard and Dr. Crusher are engaging in a kind of intellectual foreplay that is common between humans who desire to engage in a physical sexual relationship. 

He turns to PICARD and CRUSHER—

Congratulations on your impending fornication. 

The room erupts into amused sputters. 

JUMP CUT to RIKER who turns straight to the camera and giggles.  

BACK TO PICARD looks apologetically at CRUSHER who looks like she wants to melt into the floor.

CRUSHER TALKING HEAD

CRUSHER

Of course, no one was aware that we had already taken that step in our relationship…

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

Literally everyone knows they’re fucking.

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

On night watch, I have heard the distinct grunts of human copulation emanating from the Captain’s Ready Room…

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PICARD’S READY ROOM - NIGHT

A soft, rhythmic thumping sound. WORF rounds the corner and stops, perking up at the noise. He hovers outside PICARD’s door ready to enter but— 

CRUSHER (V.O.)

Oh, Jean-Luc! 

PICARD (V.O.)

Oh, Beverly!

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

…and also several instances during the day.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE PICARD’S READY ROOM - DAY

A soft, rhythmic thumping sound. WORF, once again, rounds the corner and stops, perking up at the noise. He hovers outside PICARD’s door ready to enter but— 

PICARD (V.O.)

Oh, Beverly!

CRUSHER (V.O.)

Oh, Jean-Luc! 

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

I knew they were having sex, I just didn’t know they were, y’know, dating. 

(sighs) 

I mean, Deanna and I have almost walked in on them doing it in the Holodeck like, a bajillion times.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE HOLODECK - NIGHT

RIKER and DEANNA, costumed as STEAMPUNK MERCENARIES, are about to step into the HOLODECK room when— 

CRUSHER (V.O.)

Yes, yes!

RIKER and DEANNA exchange wide-eyed looks. He hushes her, and they press their ears against the door.

PICARD (V.O.)

Who’s your space cowboy?

RIKER absolutely GAPES at DEANNA, who winches in second-hand embarrassment. 

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

(sighs) 

I hardly feel it fair to begrudge them when Will and I had similar intentions…but they’ve really got to learn how to share.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE HOLODECK - NIGHT

RIKER and DEANNA, now costumed as ANTHROPORMORPHIC FRUIT, are about to step into the HOLODECK room when— 

PICARD (V.O.)

Shall I set the thruster to max?

RIKER and DEANNA roll their eyes, sighing in frustration.

CRUSHER (V.O.)

Oh God, yes!

RIKER, irritated, mutters as he turns to walk back down the hall—

RIKER

Don’t they check the sign-up list?

PICARD TALKING HEAD

PICARD

Being Captain of this ship does have its perks…

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

I’m pretty sure I’ve heard them in one of the engineering supply closets.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ENGINEERING - NIGHT

An empty hallway. Thumping heard from inside a nearby supply closet door. 

PICARD (V.O.)

Oh, Beverly, yes, set that phaser to stun!

LA FORGE rounds the corner, pausing when he hears voices. He looks around, then at the door. 

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

You can’t unhear shit like that. 

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ENGINEERING - NIGHT

BACK TO LA FORGE outside the door.

LA FORGE (V.O.)

I mean, how am I supposed to keep a straight face when I’m in Sickbay and Dr. Crusher walks by and all I can think of is—

CRUSHER (V.O.)

WARP MY ASS!

LA FORGE recoils in horror, turning to run off down the hall.

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

PICARD and CRUSHER both have their heads in their hands. No one speaks, but then—

DATA

Sir—

The room collectively groans.

LA FORGE

Data, don’t—

DATA

If I may offer an evidence-based recommendation…

TROI

(imploring)

Data, please—

She turns to RIKER for help, but he is looking straight into the camera, giggling. 

DATA

If you wish to consummate your relationship with Dr. Crusher, I would suggest you try placing your PHALLUS in her hand—

Everyone reacts with abject horror.

LA FORGE

Jesus, Data!

WORF

I am very disturbed.

TROI

I am sensing—no, I am overwhelmed by—feelings of intense humiliation.

RIKER

(to TROI)

What’s a phallus?

TROI rolls her eyes, whispers to him.

OH!

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

I mean, Data wasn’t wrong. I’ve been telling Jean-Luc to get his dick out of his hand for years…

INT. OBSERVATION LOUNGE

ANGLE ON: PICARD, who has stood up but cannot bring himself to look at his crew.

PICARD

This meeting is adjourned. You are all dismissed.

CRUSHER stands to leave, but he reaches out instinctively and speaks to her quietly.

No, please stay?

She smiles, sitting back down. 

CRUSHER

 Of course.

LA FORGE TALKING HEAD

LA FORGE

We couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

WORF TALKING HEAD

WORF

I was overcome with a mighty need to vacate the room and never return.

TROI TALKING HEAD

TROI

I knew my office was going to be…very busy.

RIKER TALKING HEAD

RIKER

(chuckles)

No, I didn’t rush to leave. Shit was just getting interesting.

(beat)

I mean, I stepped out of the room. Gave them some—(he exaggerates the pronunciation, with a slightly mocking British accent)—priv-acy. 

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OBSERVATION DECK

The crew exits with haste—except for RIKER, who leisurely swaggers out, hands in his pockets, whistling casually. The door shuts behind him and he presses his body up against it, listening intently…

INT. OBSERVATION DECK

CRUSHER 

God…I’m so embarrassed. 

PICARD slowly lowers himself into his seat, then lowers his head into his hands.

PICARD

I think I have to resign.

A moment of silence passes between them. Then—

Beverly, I—

She reaches over and his hand, slowly bringing it to her lips.

PICARD (CONT'D)

Have we really been that transparent about our affection?

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OBSERVATION DECK

RIKER gives a full-body eye roll, slumping more against the door.

RIKER

(imitating PICARD)

“Have we really been that transparent?” AS GLASS, SPACE COWBOY.

INT. OBSERVATION DECK

CRUSHER sighs, reaching over and softly stroking his cheek.  

CRUSHER 

Y’know, I’m actually a bit…relieved. 

PICARD

That everyone knows we’re together?

CRUSHER

Well, that and…they’re happy about it.

PICARD smiles warmly. He sighs, but it’s a satisfied sigh. He reaches up and takes her hand. 

PICARD

Yes…I suppose it is a relief to know that our crew…our friends…are supportive of our…relationship.

They look at each other for a moment. They’ve found a calmness. CRUSHER leans over to give him a little kiss. When she pulls away—

CRUSHER

I do think Will is pissed about the Holodeck, though.

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OBSERVATION DECK

RIKER, forgetting himself for a moment—

RIKER

(loudly, exasperated)

You’re goddamn right I am!

He immediately realizes his error and freezes.

INT. OBSERVATION DECK

PICARD and CRUSHER exchange a look, obviously having overheard RIKER…

EXT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE OBSERVATION DECK

RIKER turns, fumbles over himself, and flops off down the hallway like a wiggly noodle.

RIKER

(muttering) 

Shitshitshit. Deanna! Deannaaaa!

Q TALKING HEAD

Q

Oh, please. I’m not intimidated by a little space nookie. 

(beat)

But our dancing doctor would do well to step-ball-change her mind about pursuing mon capitaine…

He slowly raising his hand…

That galaxy-class ass is mine.

…And snaps his fingers as we immediately—

CUT TO BLACK