Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Carrot jovially dances to the rhythm. He's always so happy when moving to the beat with all his friends. "Woohoo!" Shouts Bluberry, shaking his body. "This is great, guys!" Yells Carrot in response. They were all so thrilled.

After a while, the fruits came to a stop. "Wow, I'm beat!" Exclaims Beet. "Yeah, we know." Banana exchanged a jealous glance with Beet. 

That fucking slut thinks he can steal my bitch?!

His scowl creates an unappeeling look, drawing Carrot's attention. "Banana, stop being jealous. We broke up a long time ago." Beet approaches the two, wide-eyed and unaware.

"Hi guys!"

"Fuck you, bitch!"

*Gasp*

Carrot is stunned by the remark. "What the hell, Banana? Don't be so mean to Beet! He recently beet cancer!" Banana scoffs. "Whatever. I'll just kill myself, then."

A few months later, Carrot received a letter in the mail. "What is it?" Asked Beet, looking over Carrot's shoulder. "It... It's Banana... Banana... Split from the world."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

Carrot smiles. "Don't worry, I don't carrot (care at) all! Ha ha ha!"

Chapter Text

The Court Room, 10:16 a.m.

"Carrot, you're being accused of involuntary manslaughter. How do you plead?"

"I didn't do anything!" Carrot screams, fighting for his life in the court.

After Banana's death, a deep investigation started, attempting to pinpoint the cause of Banana's demise. "Well, if you're not guilty," Pear sighs, "Then you won't mind if I bring up a witness." Pear directs to the bench. The fruit who stands is-

"BEET?" Carrot's eyes widen. "YOU-"

"I'm sorry, Carrot... But I can't let this slide any longer!"

"Why, I outta..."

Beet sits at the stand, the security guard walking up to him. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Pod?"

"I do."

Beet settles in the chair. Pear walks up to his surprise witness, a smirk plastered across his face. "So, Beet, care to tell the lads and gentlefruit of the jury what you know?"

"Yes, well... I remember Banana saying he was going to k-kill himself... And Carrot did nothing... In fact, I think he even en-encouraged it... And when Banana finally did, y'know... Split... Carrot was almost... Happy."

Pear swivels himself to face the jury. "Need you hear any more? I believe this is plausible cause for guilt!"

"NO! BEET IS LYING-"

"ORDER IN MY COURT!"

The cacophony of discussion rings throughout the court room. Every member of the jury looked concerned, exchanging frantic whispers, until finally- "We, the jury, have found Carrot GUILTY on all accounts of the involuntary manslaughter of Banana." The judge nodded. "I hereby sentence you, Carrot, to LIFE in prison."

Gasps echoed throughout. Beet tries to add one final remark; "I'm sorry, Carrot!"

"Ahh! Grow a pear! When I get out, I'm going to gra-"

The guards seized Carrot, handcuffing and ushering him outside.

Chapter Text

Beet sits down on a bench outside the court room. A lone tear rolled down his eye. The prosecutor, Pear, catches the witness all by himself. He decided to sit down for a moment.

"I know you two were close. I'm sorry it had to happen like this."

Beet looks up, eyes red and puffy. "Thanks, I guess... Y'know, Carrot and I were going to get married... But now, we can't... We cantaloupe..." Beet buries his head, hiding further tears.

Meanwhile, at the prison...

Carrot trudges his way through the dreary halls. Not paying attention, he shoulder-checks a nearby inmate.

"Huh?! You wanna peach of me, boy?!" The inmate yells, flex his rock-hard prison body.

"Uh, no, thanks."

"Hell nah, you get back here boy. Do you know who I am?"

Carrot tries to slink away, but is grabbed by the intimidating prisoner. "Err... No?"

"Let me tell you," he smirks, "They call me Peach Diddy... Hehehe..."

Carrot's eyes widen. Oh FUCK.

"HELP! This guy's trying to GRAPE ME!"

Peach Diddy chases Carrot as he escapes his grasp. Prison was not a good fit for someone as frail as Carrot.

Chapter Text

"I can drive you home, if you want," offered Pear. He and Beet had sat outside talking for roughly half an hour. Beet spoke up; "Sure... I-I'd like that. *sniffle*."

They got up and walked to Pear's car, a Lamberryghini. Its lime green coat shined under the setting sun.

"Wow, this is yours?"

"Yeah... Sorry if its too much-"

"No, no! It's okay. It's nice."

Pear blushed, hiding his face as he ducked into the driver's seat.

The drive home was quiet. Even the radio was barely a whisper, playing on the classics station.

Beet got out of the car. "Thanks, Pear."

"Yeah, it's no problem, I'll just be going-"

"Do you want to come inside?" 

Pear stopped and stared, surprised by the offer. "Inside?"

"I don't want to be alone," continued Beet.

"Well, sure then."

9:42 p.m., at the prison.

Carrot sat in a makeshift tattoo chair, the tattoo gun clawing at his face.

"AASNSHHSH¿○¥¥¡○•◇HSHSNSAAAAA!!!!!!@"

"You handle tattoos like a bitch, bitch!"

Peach Diddy had made Carrot his bitch. All of Peach Diddy's bitches got Peachdrop tattoos.

"AAAUUUUIU*@◇○¥♡□♡¡¿▪︎♧]]]AASN I IA!!!!!!"

Chapter Text

As Strawberry stalked through the woods, he couldn't help but think about that darned court case on TV. How quaint, they thought.

In the distance, Strawberry could see some lights illuminating a path ahead. He decided to investigate, and to his surprise, found a neat little shack. The lights are on, but it doesn't look like anybody's home...

Strawberry opened the door. Inside was a wrecked room with letter strewn about. Strawberry picked up one of the letters and began reading.

Banana,

How are you? I still think about you. You know I do. But I love Beet just as much. I hope you're OK, I don't want to lose our friendship.

Best Wishes, Carrot.

Next to the letter was a torn note, scribbled in a different handwriting.

"Woah, this one looks crazy!" Said Strawberry. 

Putting the pieces together, they read:

Payment's due, fruity. I'm sending my boys.

Chapter Text

Strawberry examined the note. No way... Was Banana... Murdered?! 

Strawberry dropped the note in shock. Jaw agrape, he pulled out his phone.

Ring ring.

"911, where is your emergency?"

"Hello? I think I just found some crucial evidence in the Carrot case!"

The once quiet shack became a bustling crime scene. Officers crowded the lot, turning over any suspicious objects. One of the younger refruits walked up to the captain.

"Uh, sir? You might want to take a look at this..."

The captain takes a look at it. His eyes widen, revealed by the slow removal of his aviators.

"My Pod... This changes everything."

Back at Beet's place...

Pear and Beet were locked in a tight hug. Beet's tears stained Pear's nice suit, who was only bothered by Beet's unhappiness.

"Pear I... I don't want to leave you... I-"

"Shh... It's okay, Beet. We can be together now."

"Oh, Pear!"

Beet's desire for comfort overshadowed any sense-making, launching himself into a passionate kiss with Pear.

Chapter Text

Bzzz.

The metal gates swung open. Carrot stood in his civilian clothing, awaited by his lawyer up front.

"I don't understand, what happened?" Questioned Carrot.

His lawyer opened the door to his car. "You're out, bud. They found new evidence that proves your innocence. You could probably sue, if you wanted." 

Carrot stood in front of the vehicle, responding, "No, I don't think that's necessary," before stepping in.

They drove off, the prison complex becoming smaller and smaller. "Take me to Beet's, will you? I gotta see 'em." The lawyer nodded, then took the next exit.

Meanwhile...

Pear and Beet lie in bed. "Pod, this feels so wrong..."

"Why's that?" Pear asked, turning to face his bedmate.

"It's just, Carrot and I-"

"Carrot's a criminal, and in prison. Don't worry about him."

"I know, I know... Pear, I-I like you."

Pear smiled. "Good." His smirk encompassed his whole face.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. "Ah, let me get that," said Beet. He got out of bed and put on his slippers.

At the door, Beet reluctantly turned the knob. His time with Pear had been great. The more he thought of it, the more he worried Pear was just an emotional rebound, to replace-

"Carrot?" Beet stood in shock, his former partner standing across from him.

"Hey, Beet."

"You're out?"

"Yeah, they found new evidence and reopened the case. Actually-"

Pear struts in from behind, a blanket warpped around him. "Who is it?" 

Carrot looked over Beet's shoulder, nearly recognizing the voice. Pear peeks over, stopping in his place. "Carrot? But you're- you're supposed to be in prison!"

"I'm out now. What are you doing here?"

Beet looks away, ashamed. Carrot looks over at him, suddenly understanding the situation.

"You- And him? Beet, what the hell?"

Pear scoffs. "This wasn't supposed to happen. You're supposed to be gone."

"The hell you mean I'm 'supposed to be' gone?! What the fuck?!"

Beet attempts to calm the situation, but all his efforts were in vain. Pear knocks out Carrot with the meanest left hook, turning to Beet.

"Beet, let's get out of here. Just you and me, like how I planned."

"How you what?"

"Nevermind let's just go!"

The two leave out the front, stepping over Carrot. Beet looks back, reluctant to run, but Pear gives him no choice.

Later, as dawn approaches...

"Ergh..." Carrot wakes up, confronted by two officers of the law.

Chapter Text

"Sir, are you alright?" Asks one of the officers. Carrot slowly rises, recovering from a massive headache. "Wh-what happened?" He questions. The officers look between each other.

"We... Have reason to believe a wanted fugitive was here. There's a warrant out for his arrest."

"Beet? Beet would never!"

"No, sir, not Beet. We're looking for the criminal known as 'Pear'."

Beet could hardly keep up with the pace. Pear was running so fast, it was like he was trying to escape from something; something other than Carrot.

"Where are we going?" Beet exhales, trying to catch his breath.

"I have a place, just come on!"

"Pear!"

Pear ignores the pleading, pursuing his place in a panic.

In the dark, Beet couldn't see anything in the shadows. He coiled in fear of both the situation and the disassociation of Pear.

"Pear, what's going on? I'm scared..."

Pear quickly turn to looks at Beet, eyes wide. He had fumbled his keys from the hiding spot on the porch. "Everything is fine, Beet, just get inside." He struggled to fit the key in the hole, and just as victory seemed to be in sight-

WHOOP WHOOP.

Chapter Text

Red and blue lights illuminated from the shadows. Beet looked around with such speed, he almost broke his neck. Suddenly, the two were surrounded by multiple officers, all holding açailt rifles.

"GET DOWN ON THE GROUND, NOW. YOU ARE SURROUNDED!"

Beet immediately dropped to his knees, but Pear stood firm.

"HANDS BEHIND YOUR BACK! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST."

While Beet kneeled crying, Pear scoffed. He raised the keys he was holding, slowly at first but accelerating shortly before hitting a bullseye in the nearest officer's skull.

With the keys in one officer's head, the others took turns shooting at Pear, his body releasing mush all over the walls. Beet screamed in horror, witnessing the death right before his very eyes. When Pear's remains settled on the ground, the officers took to arresting Beet, whose horror prevented him from protesting. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can... [...]"

Carrot tapped impatiently, having waited at the station for what felt like hours. Suddenly, Beet walked through the precinct doors, covered in mush, with his arms behind his back.

"Beet? Wh-What happened?" Carrot asked.

Beet, looking on with puffy eyes, didn't respond. He was still shivering from the murder of his one-night-stand.

Chapter Text

Carrot stared at Beet in confusion. Was he being arrested? What did he do? And where was Pear? Beet sniffled as he was pushed to the interrogation room.

An officer walked up to Carrot. "Here's a copy of the report. Read for yourself." Carrot hesitantly grabbed the papers and began scanning the words.

In the interrogation room...

"So, were you just his accomplice or did you do it?!" The detective asked, slamming the table. Beet's cuffs jingled as he jumped. "I-I swear I have no idea what happened!"

"Yeah, I've heard that before."

Beet began to tear up. "I swear! I was only with Pear because we-we kissed, and..." Beet stifled his sobs. "I didn't know where he was taking me! I didn't know! I didn't know Pear was a bad person!"

The detective scoffed, rolling his eyes. He glared at Beet, scanning his face for lies. "Right, we'll see about that," he grunted, leaving the room.

Carrot read through the report. He muttered to himself as he went through. "Pear, convicted of... Letters found in his... Hired a hitman? To kill-"

"Banana. That's right," the detective interrupted.

"That's why you let me go, then?"

"Yep."

Chapter Text

Court room, again.

"All rise," announced the judge, Judge Juicy. "We're here today to witness the hearing of Beet v. the People."

Beet fidgeted nervously in his chair. Though he has an acclaimed defense attorney, Saul Goodfruit, he worried the case would not go in his favor. Carrot, sittin behind Beet, leaned forward and whispered, "You got this, Beet. We all know you're innocent." Beet subtlety nodded, but his fidgeting slowed ever so slightly.

After hours of debate, it came time for the Jury to decide. During recess, Beet stood outside talking with his lawyer. Out of nowhere came a fruit, whose identity was shrouded by packaging, bumping into Beet. 

"Hey! You dropped this!" Yelled Beet, to no avail. He picked up the note on the floor.

I KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

*gulp*

Beet began to sweat. His lawyer interjected, "Time to go back, Beet." Across the room, Carrot gave a warm smile.

Meanwhile...

The enshrouded fruit slipped through the court doors and into a limo waiting out front. 

"It's time. Do it."

2:36 p.m., Government facility.

Red lights flashed as an alarm blared overhead. Several cryogenic pods cracked open, releasing a frosty mist. At the activator button, a grinning peach stood, his excitement and lunacy palpable. Down came the inhabitants. Their bloody, red flesh squelched on the lab floor. It was a terrifying sight, yet one all too inviting for the villainous peach.

"Hehehehe... Revenge is a dish best served... Cold... HAHAHAAHAHA!"

His cackles echoed in the abandoned halls, heard only by the meats who stood before him.

"ICE to MEAT you!"

Chapter Text

"We, the jury, find Beet innocent on all accounts."

With a slam of the judge's gavel, court was adjourned. Beet won his case, and in his excitement couldn't help but fully embrace his ex.

"Oh, Carrot... I'm so sorry for all of this!" Beet yelped. They held each other closely, but Carrot loosened his grip.

"Me too, Beet. I just... I don't think things will ever be the same between us again..."

Beet dropped his gaze to the floor, fidgeting behind his back.

"I-I understand..."

Regardless, with no other place to stay, Carrot moved back into Beet's house. They garnered a friendship, one side of deep, regretful longing, and the other of heartfelt betrayal.

Chapter Text

The alarms screamed theoughout the facility. A pack of meats trudged its way down the narrow hallways, headed by one Peach Diddy.

"New mission, boys... It's smoothie time!"

The largest meat, T. Bone Steak, hunched over Peach. "What'ss in it for youu?" He asks, in a raspy, dark tone. Being frozen as long as he has, the meat lost his original fresh demeanor.

Peach Diddy looks up deviously. "Me? You don't worry 'bout that, naw... Worry about them!"

As if on cue, a group of armored soldiers aim their weapons from down the hall. Multiple lasers centered on each meat's face. Without warning, Chicken Breast's cold blood was splattered across the floor.

"NO! OUR ONLY FEMALE REPRESENTATION!" Screams Bechdel "Wild" Wings. He charges towards the soldiers.

Chapter Text

Bechdel "Wild" Wings slammed into the nearest soldier. He was hit with so much force that when he reached the ground, he broke his neck, instantly dying. The others circled Bechdel, aiming their ARs. Bechdel let out a primal screech, shattering the soldier's visors. The other meats hopped on the fruit force while they were distracted, pummeling their bodies until there was nothing left but mush.

"Save some for me, fellas... Peach been dry these days!" Said Peach Diddy, unenthusiastically.

T. Bone Steak turned to face the remaining fruit. "Save it, boneless! Get us out of here, now!"

With a defensive gesture, Peach began to walk towards the doors.

Blaring alarms got louder as the main door to the facility slowly opened. In a dramatic, foggy reveal came the deadly group: Bechdel "Wild" Wings, Mutton Chopp, Chicken Nugget, T. Bone Steak, and their traitorous leader, Sean John "Peach Diddy" Combs.

Chapter Text

Carrot and Beet sat across each other at the dinner table. They each avoided eye contact, for fear of making things awkward. Not that it helped, after all.

"So... How was your day, Beet?" Asked Carrot, putting his fork down. The two shared a meal of holographic steak, along with a glass of water.

Beet continued chewing, slowly placing his fork down to avoid clattering. "It was fine, I guess."

"That's good."

They continued in their silence until Carrot got up to wash the dishes. "Thanks," responded Beet, who turned towards the living room. He slumped down on the couch and turned on the TV. The news channel broke out in its distinctive "breaking news" theme.

"BREAKING NEWS! SAVAGE CREATURES ARE ON THE LOOSE! AND THEY'RE KILLING EVERYONE!"

Beet gasped. *gasp!* "HOLY GUACAMOLE! Carrot, you might wanna see this!"

Carrot ran over. "Holy shitake! That's our dinner!" He yelled, as a viscious steak tore apart the news reporter.

Chapter Text

It was finally time for former president Dorange Trump to regain control of the country.

"My new presidency will be the best presidency, the best. I'm gonna do everything I said I was gonna do, I'm gonna do 'em. You bet I'll do them. And when I do, the country - our great country - will be just the best, I tell you."

Everyone clapped. They clicked their tongues in approval.

As Trump was continuing his ramblings, Mutton Chop chopped the Secret Service up in order to gain access to the new/old president. "They're chopped, Bechdel! Go for the nards!" He screeched.

Bechdel Wild Wings charged up on stage and 360 no-scoped Dorange Trump with his raging chompers, peeling the orange and making a slushie juice of his innards.

"BEHOLD! YOUR QUEEN IS DEAD!"

Chapter Text

The new president, by default, walked up to the heavily secured stage. All public eyes watched through the TV for fear of another massacre.

"I, Kamango Harris, pledge to rid the world of these filthy, dirty, disgusting ALIEN meats. No meat shall escape my rule - I mean reign - I mean regulations!"

Carrot and Beet watched in horror. This new terror threat would be terrible for the economy. 

"Beet, we gotta get out of here!" Screamed Carrot.

Beet was hypnotized by the address, unable to move from the couch. "Whatever! I'm going without you!" He yelled, grabbing his keys and dashing for the front door.

As the door swung open, Carrot was overshadowed by a looming steak.

"Well, well, well... What do we have here?" It asked, in a raspy grunt. The steak was terrifying. Its razor-sharp teeth were coated in fruit juice, and its eyes showed no remorse.

*gulp!*

Chapter Text

The steak's presence was overbearing.

"You must be Carrot, huh?" Well, do we have something special prepared just for you!" It growled.

Beet ran over from the living room. "Carrot, what is... It... Oh no..."

The steak turned his attention. He licked his lips and lurched towards the smaller fruit.

"AHHHHĤHHHHHHH!"

Beet's innards were ripped apart, his voluptuous beet juice splashing all over the floors and walls. "CARROT! R-R-RUN!" Yelled Beet, with one final breath.

Carrot pushed down all fear, disgust, and horror in order to face the door. He ran against the bitter, cold wind, but no cold would ever compare to the agony of watching Beet suffer under the infruitmane butchering no fruit or vegetable had ever experienced in the history of ever. A guttural roar raged far behind Carrot, but nothing could stop him in his tracks.

"The government... I need to contact the government! Or the military! Or the CDC! Anyone! Oh my Pod, this can't be happening!" Carrot cried, attempting to reassure himself internally. He was getting tired, but he didn't want to stop until he could guarantee his safety.

Meanwhile...

Kamango Harris burst through the White House. 

"I need everyone on the phone."

"But, ma'am-"

"I said EVERYONE! This crisis is too urgent for petty international distrust!"

"Right away, ma'am..."

The new president slumped in her chair at the Oval Office. "How to stop this..."

Outside the window, she noticed an orange blur slam into the White House gates.

Chapter Text

"Hey! Let me in!" The carrot yelled, shaking the gates in an attempt to get them open. Kamango stared in disbelief until the Carrot saw her inside.

"Oh! Miss President! Please, let me in! I-I can help!"

Carrot clutched the gates as they electronically swung open. Out of the White House doors came the president, surrounded by 12 gourds of the Secret Service.

"Who are you?" Demanded the president. She stood with authority.

"My name's Carrot, I have important information about the- the invaders." Carrot looked up, threatened by the armed gourds.

"Go on."

"Well, y'see- The meats came to my house, and the way he was talking... It seemed like they'd been sent after me by someone who really HATED ME! And I think I know who!" Yelled Carrot, holding back tears. "It... It was Pear!" 

Kamango gasped. "Pear? The criminal shot dead all that time ago? But... He's dead..." 

Carrot shook his head, replying, "No, I know he's dead. But I just know it! When I went to prison, there was a fruit there named Peach Diddy, and the other inmates told me he's-"

"He's in for murder (and other things)... As a hitman."

"Yes! For Pear! It's all Diddy's fault! Please, Madame President, you've gotta do something!"

Kamango Harris took a step back. She attempted to steady her breathing, but it was too difficult with this new revelation. Could infamous hit man and serial grapist Peach Diddy be the mastermind?

"It can't be... Diddy's in prison..." She gulped.

Carrot looked over with remorse in his eyes. "Actually, they let him go. They didn't have enough evidence. Remember Orange Juice Simpson? It's like that..."

"Pod, what has this country come to..."

The two sat in disbelief.

Chapter Text

Bechdel Wild Wings met up with the rest of the meats. "So, where's the boss, eh?" He asked.

From behind appeared the peach himself. "Well, step one done, boys. Hehehehaw. Gooooood job..."

The meats looked around one another.

"Step one? What's step two?" Asked Mutton Chop.

Peach Diddy chuckled to himself. "Step two... is to take over the country! And we can't do that with a president in charge!"

Bechdel coughed. "I already took him out!"

"No, there's a new one."

They gasped in shock, completely surprised.

T. Bone shook his head. "Fine, we'll take out the new one."

"Not so simple. More security."

"It'll be fine!"

"Fine? Fine! Run then, meats! Run as fast as the wind!"

Chicken Nugget scoffed. "Whatever. Bet you'd like us to be as fast as a hawk, too, huh?"

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"GET OUT! IMBECILES!"

The meats rushed off. Their bloody bottoms left a trail of disgust behind them. Peach Diddy cackled behind them, his deviousness heard for miles around. The march of the meats was incoming and unstoppable -- or so they believed.