Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist yo—"

"Irratino?"

"Oh, hello Detective! It's absolutely grand to hear from you again!"

"Yeah, same… same to you. Say, why was I sent to 171 Chapel Street again? My captain said it was a specific request…"

"Ah, yes! Well, you see, Ms. Bridges who lives in that house went to her shed yesterday because her lights went out, and she got so freaked out by some loud chittering and flapping of wings that—"

"You and I both know it's just bats, Irratino."

"Yes, that's exactly what I told her! But she insisted, no, it has to be something else! So I told her I'd send someone over in the morning. That's the only way I could pacify her, unfortunately for both of us. She wouldn't get off the line otherwise, that old— oh, sorry, bad joke I was about to make there!"

"So… why the police? Why not pest control?"

"I also sent pest control. Aureolin should be there any minute now, she's teaching a new field recruit this week."

"…God bless you, Irratino."

"Why, thank you! I see you've been practicing your positive self-talk, Logico! How's it been going for you?"

"It's going well, thank you. Eh, alright… I'll go talk to Ms. Bridges, but Aureolin and her trainee better be here soon."

"Thank you, darling! Talk to you later!"

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"This must be some sort of joke, Irratino. A raccoon? Really?"

"So I don't get a 'hello, how are you' anymore?"

"…"

"…Alright, that's fair. Where are you currently, back at Ms. Bridges'? She had another intruder complaint pretty recently, Aureolin said—"

"Sheridan High. They heard some noises after last night's game and called us first thing, they dispatched Copper but she didn't find anything. Now I'm here at the ass-crack of dawn, I haven't even had my coffee yet, and there's a family of raccoons sleeping in the commentator's cabin."

"…seriously? In the commentator's cabin?!"

"That's exactly what I asked Copper when we found them. Now what am I supposed to do?"

"We'll send over pest control as soon as possible, okay honey?"

"I… okay, thank you, but also… I know you're soft for those critters, Tino."

"Yeah… but it's not up to either me or you what pest control do with them, you know?"

"…I'll see if I can convince them to rehome them to a rehab shelter."

"Thank you so much! This is so sweet of you!"

"Of course. Maybe Bella could use a few siblings."

"I don't know if it's a smart idea… I think they'll try to eat her. But thank you for thinking about me!"

"Of course, as I said."

"I'll see you on Saturday for lunch? The hot pot place with the good dumplings is open again."

"See you then. You're… sending pest control, right?"

"Oh! Oh yeah! Aureolin will be on her way to you in the next five minutes, or the hot pot's on me!"

"It's always on you."

"You know what I mean, you sarcastic—"

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"I tried to catch you on your cellphone, I didn't think—"

"Oh, hi Logico! How are you today?"

"I just found a giant wasps' nest under the roof outside my window."

"Oh shit—"

"You're telling me? First cockroaches, then the whole bed bug debacle, now this… I don't even know what to do anymore."

"Hmm… well, you could move out. Stay with me until you find another place, you know?"

"I don't get paid enough in this job to afford a new place, Tino. You know this."

"Then how about, hmm… well, we don't really have wasp removal services as part of pest control, silly as it is… are the cockroaches still there?"

"Not… as many as two months ago, but I think we reached an agreement? I don't even know anymore."

"I can send Cloud to you for case assessment if you don't mind? But really, Logico, I think it's best if you moved out and stayed with me for a while until either we got your house pest problem under control or you find a new place."

"Okay… I'll think about it."

"Thank you, darling!"

"But if I stay over, where will I sleep? I'm not taking over Bella's room."

"Of course you're not. You're staying with me! In the fullest sense of the word. My bedroom, no arguments."

"That's very kind of you, but— OH FUCK! ONE OF THEM'S IN HERE RIGHT NOW!"

"Gotcha! Go kill the evil wasp, Logico! I'll send Cloud to you!"

"FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE—"

"…Hey, Cloud? Yeah, it's Tino. We got a major pest problem at 26 Hillcrest, apartment number seven… yeah, it's the detective. Yeah, the roaches are back. I know you're not with pest control, but do you mind…"

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"We're gonna need the fire department over here ASAP, Tino."

"Logico?"

"We got a call from Ms. Bridges at Chapel Street that her neighbors from across the street are screaming, got a house fire going on apparently."

"That blind old bat… okay, getting the fire department dispatched for you right now, darling."

"Thank you. We'll talk—"

"Did you manage to move all the boxes safely? Was Charcoal helpful?"

"Now's really not the time for this, Tino!"

"Okay, okay! We'll talk later, got it!"

"…Hello?"

"Hi, this is Irratino from Home Safety Hotline, I wanted to see if your house move went alright."

"Hey, baby… it did. Charcoal was very helpful with the stuff I couldn't carry."

"I'm glad to hear it. And the house fire on Chapel?"

"Turns out it was Charcoal's house that burned. Blame his husband for trying to make toast with a toaster held together by electrical tape and a prayer."

"He did what now?"

"It's all… it's alright now. They're going to have to pay for extensive repairs for the house, but at least they have somewhere to go."

"Got it… so, what color is your underwear today?"

"I'm gonna get back to unpacking my boxes and I'll see you tonight for dinner!"

"Aw, you're no fun!"

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"Please tell me there's some actually dangerous reason why I was called to check the community garden and it's not something completely harmless again?"

"Logico, you're going to have to be more specific than that."

"So Charcoal and I get sent to the community garden because people with patches have been getting sick, alright?"

"Okay…"

"So our suspicion is that either there are poisonous doppelgangers around the garden that people just don't know how to identify or there's something malicious at play."

"Fair suspicions all around, go on."

"So we get there and we see… nothing. Holes all over the place, dirt everywhere, but I looked through the book you gave me and there's nothing here that anyone could identify incorrectly."

"Holes all over the place… okay, got it. Could be moles, could be gophers, could be… is the grass around those patches high or low?"

"It's… it's the community garden, Tino. You come here every weekend."

"Right! Right. So let's rule ticks out for a moment, hmm… can you tell me which vegetable patches seem the most… taken from?"

"What?"

"Just tell me which ones, if you know of course."

"Alright, umm… the tomatoes are in season right now so I assume those, the peppers too, there's someone who's been growing beets, but aren't those a winter vegetable?"

"…Beets? I… yeah, they are…"

"So tomatoes, peppers, beets and the leafy greens patch seems pretty well-loved, but I assume that's your doing specifically."

"What can I say? But you said… dirt everywhere? Also the tomatoes and peppers… yeah, it's probably ticks. They hide in tall grass usually, you—"

"I know. Goddamnit…"

"But we can't rule out gophers! I can send someone over to check right now if it's gophers or moles."

"You really don't have to, it's not… you know what? Please send someone, thank you."

"With pleasure! Cloud's on his way to you right now, Logico! I'll see you for dinner!"

"See you, baby."

"Beets, huh…"

Chapter Text

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"So we went to see Old Man Yeltzin, he's been calling us nonstop about something biting him at night, alright?"

"And… he couldn't call us about it? Why involve the police in this?"

"He claims he doesn't trust all those 'new-fangled mumbo jumbo tricks'. But it's probably just mosquitos, from what it seems like…"

"Yeah, he does live right by the creek… can you send me pictures of his legs and arms?"

"Sure, but… why would you want…"

"Hey Aureolin, baby, come look at those! They look really slimy, right?"

"…Irratino? Aureolin, can you hear me?"

"Right with you, sweetheart— I know, right? That's not a dang mosquito bite, I swear… oh well, do I—"

"Tino, you're freaking me out here."

"Sorry, Logico, just had to confirm something there! What do his bedsheets look like?"

"…huh?"

"Just check them for me real quick, please? I promise it'll all make sense!"

"If you say so… so they're… oh, I wouldn't want to sleep here. It's rancid in here."

"I'll take your word, baby. What do they look like, though?"

"They're… gray, kind of? Very messy… I think there are sweat stains on there…? Oof, I can't…"

"I'm so sorry I'm making you do this… do you see anything that looks like… teeth, on there?"

"What are you i— oh. Oh yeah. It's a whole shark jaw right here."

"Excellent! So, baby, here's what you're gonna tell Old Man Yeltzin, alright?"

"Okay… I'm listening."

"So it's a fungus that's been causing this, it's called Bed Teeth. I don't care what his excuses are, but he needs to get rid of those sheets right now if they've been causing him this much discomfort, probably also hire a cleaning service to keep from having those in the future."

"…Bed teeth?"

"Uh-huh! Also, please, take him to emergency care somewhere as soon as possible please. He needs urgent care for some of those wounds on his arms."

"…I don't know… what to say to this, but I'll let him know. Thank you."

"My pleasure. Oh, and Logico?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"Tell Charcoal his husband and I are meeting for brunch next Sunday, so he'll probably need a ride back."

"Good afternoon, home sa—"

"Tino, are you there?"

"Uhh, no, this is Azure? Irratino is on break right now… Would you like me to tell him to call back later?"

"No, no, Azure, you're good. I need your help here and I know Tino would be no help at all. He's been in a mood lately."

"Tell me about it… so, how may I assist you today?"

"You know the Carlsons' on Madison and Main?"

"The grocery store? Yes, of course. My mother goes there all the time."

"Good. So Copper and I are here right now and we're looking for an intruder in the storage room, they've been complaining about weird banging noises and more and more spiders showing up every day."

"Alright, I'm on it. Anything else I should know?"

"Well, they got a sale on those raisin cookies— no, I'm getting distracted again."

"Ooh, I love those cookies!"

"Alright, but… back to our problem. There's nothing in the storage room. The place is absolutely spotless, nothing is out of place, no spiders, nothing. But we can hear the banging noises so clearly."

"Hmm… alright, have you checked the second floor? I think you may find your culprit there."

"We'll need to ask Mr. Carlson, but alright."

"Okay, so I'm gonna tell you what to look for and if you need any more assistance, don't hesitate to call back, alright? We're just swamped with calls right now."

"I understand. Go ahead."

"Alright, so you're looking for a gnome. Think less garden gnome, more puppet, but it's a small humanoid with very fluffy hair."

"Copy that…"

"They'll be covered in soot, most likely. They probably got spooked. So you need to be very gentle with them, make sure they know you mean no harm, then kindly ask them what was the thing that spooked them."

"…Are you sure about that?"

"One hundred percent sure. And if you'd like to bring me one or two for my own home, I wouldn't complain. I could use a cleaning buddy."

"Alright then… we're gonna go do it now. Catch you later, Azure."

"Good luck, Logico. I believe in you."

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"There are deep cracks in the foundations of this house."

"…Logico, where are you and what house is this?"

"15 Miller. The brownstone that's been condemned for a while?"

"Oh, yeah! Oh, I loved that one so much, but then… why are you at 15 Miller?"

"Part of the ceiling in one of the floors fell on a construction worker's head. It's an obvious risk, but they've been having a lot of problems getting along lately."

"So you're suspecting foul play…"

"Exactly. They took us to the floor where it happened, then, and… well, I don't think even your kind of money can make them change their mind about this place."

"But I really liked it… are you sure?"

"The whole place looks like one strong gust of wind is going to bring it down. And I think the old woman who lived on the ground floor apartment's been throwing her old cheese in the basement too, the whole place smells like spoiled milk—"

"Oh! Oh no. Logico, have you seen anyone taller than average hanging about the basement?"

"When you say taller than average, do you mean—"

"About six to seven feet tall."

"…No, I haven't. Tino, is everything alright?"

"Phew! Okay, it's just a hobb then! Thank the Ones Above and Beneath, this is excellent news."

"I'm… sorry…?"

"Tell the construction crew that they have to keep leaving cheese in the basement until we've located someone who can take care of this… it's not advised to try removing the hobb from the basement, but maybe we can figure something out…"

"Irratino, you're scaring me."

"Why? There's nothing to be scared of! It seems like a very well-taken care of hobb they got right there! Now, if you told me you've seen someone taller than average in the basement, then being scared would make sense, but—"

"I… I'm passing along your message and going to bed. This is giving me a headache."

"Sorry, sweetheart… I'll bring you a pasty and some fries on the way back, okay?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"Don't mention it."

"Good afternoon, Irratino speak—"

"TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS IN MS. BRIDGES' BASEMENT, TINO."

"Logico? Why are you back at Ms. Bridges' so soon? I thought we took care of her bat prob—"

"THERE'S A GIANT SLUG IN HER BASEMENT. I REPEAT, THERE'S A GIANT. SLUG. IN HER BASEMENT."

"Aww, so cute! I knew people would see the charm in them eventually! It's about time we had domesticated stair sl—"

"What do you mean SO CUTE? Irratino, it's like if a gelatinous cube was an amorphous shape! Copper slipped on the slime so hard she's in the emergency room now!"

"First of all, I'm surprised you know what a gelatinous cube is. And second of all, you know what I mean! You’ve met Bella! She loves you!"

"Yes, but that's because Bella is a well-behaved young lady with a sense of decency. This… thing just took one of my partners out."

"Tell me you didn't pour salt right on top of it, at least?"

"I— wha— of course not! Never! I… Tino, can you please explain what's happening here?"

"Well, what's happening here is that she got a stair slug. Just like Bella."

"That much I got, yes."

"If Ms. Bridges wants to get rid of this big baby, it's just like when you get rid of normal sized slugs, you know? But…"

"…you actually care for the wretched thing, don't you?"

"Don't call it wretched! Ugh, I'll send pest control over as soon as I get to work, I'm working the evening shift again. I'll just tell them to bring it here to the call center. I'm sure Aureolin and I can find it a nice home."

"I will never understand how your mind works, Tino."

"Yeah… sometimes I don't understand it either. On another note, how do you feel about dinner next week with Charcoal and his husband?"

"Good afternoon, home safety hotline, this is A—"

"Azure? Hey, buddy, it's Logico."

"Oh, hi Logico! How may I assist you today?"

"So we've had problems in our plumbing at the station lately… Irratino said he'd come see what's going on, maybe he has an idea, but we haven't found the time."

"Okay, I'm listening then… what sort of plumbing problems? Clogging? Leakage?"

"That's the weird thing, it's… both? And neither? Our bathrooms are all both clogged and leaking, and Copper swears that she can hear the toilet bowls gurgling in the women's bathrooms. We had Crimson over for an autopsy report and she said the same."

"Oh, that's gross… sorry to hear that."

"It's alright, don't apologize. After the last few days I've had with your call center, nothing can faze me as bad as Ms. Bridges' mutant slug."

"Yeah! Oh, by the way, we called him Dionysus. He lives in—"

"You gave that abomination A NAME?!"

"Don't talk about Dionysus like that! As I said, he lives in my mother's basement now. She was very confused when we— okay, got your solution right here."

"Hit me with it, Azure."

"So what you're dealing with is a pipe growth."

"…you lost me."

"So it's a fungus that grows inside pipes, easy enough, right?"

"Still… lost me, I don't know what…"

"I need you to find the precinct's maintenance team and ask them to put a PVC pipe full of meat near where the growth is at its… sorry for the word, its thickest. You'll be rid of the growth in no time this way."

"I… Azure, where's Irratino? Are you—"

"Irratino is on call with another client right now, sorry. Promise me you'll tell your maintenance this? I don't want you to have actual sewer problems over there."

"I… sure, but it's just… pardon me for…"

"Excellent, thank you. Hey, we're still on for bowling tomorrow, right? …Logico?"

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino—"

"Hey, Tino."

"Hey, baby… I thought you were going to sleep in today?"

"You know I never do, but I was… called back to 15 Miller. The spoiled cheese brownstone?"

"Oh, yes! Did they manage to remove the hobb? Do you know?"

"Tino, I'll be honest, I have no idea what this week has been so far. This month, even. You've got a lot of explaining to do when we meet back home later, okay?"

"O… okay? I mean, we're still on for bowling tonight with the girls, but—"

"But you have some explaining to do. Anyway, no, I don't know if they removed the… the thing, whatever you called it. But the cheese is all gone and the basement smells extremely damp."

"…shit."

"What?"

"Get out of there, baby. And drag the entire construction crew with you."

"I don't—"

"This is why I asked you a week and a half ago if you've seen anyone taller than average in the basement. Logico, you're in so much deep shit right now!"

"Alright, alright, no need to raise our voices, it's alright… so, what exactly is going on here?"

"If the cheese is gone, it means someone must have gotten rid of it, meaning the hobb probably got pissed enough to metamorphose. You got a boggart on your hands."

"A… like those monsters from—"

"No, a real boggart. One that can cause house fires if it's angry enough. Please, Logico, for the love of all that is good and holy, get your cute little ass out of there and take the entire. Construction crew. With you."

"Copy that… anything else?"

"Don't call it by any name, please. It creates an attachment and we really don't need a boggart on our hands, Bella is enough for now. Just… get out and get this brownstone demolished, this is the best course of action we can take right now."

"Got it. Hey, Tino, can you take a deep breath for me? Yeah… like that. Good boy."

"Sorry… I just don't like the thought of you being in any sort of danger."

"I work for the police, I can't not be in danger."

"I know… I promise I'll explain everything in due time, okay? It won't be tonight, but it'll be soon. I promise."

"I… I'll believe you. Go drink some water and I'll see you at the alley when you're off."

"Yeah… yeah. Thanks, baby."

Chapter Text

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"Hey, Tino… we got another community garden issue."

"Logico? Why are you whispering? Are you at the garden right now?"

"No, I'm at the hospital. My coworker's mom just got sick from that garden, but the doctors say it's not lyme disease."

"As I suspected… could you ask her what she took from the garden, by any chance?"

"…Tino?"

"Please, baby? I promise there's a reason for this."

"Alright… just remember, you still owe me an explanation."

"Of course. I promise."

"Alright… hey, Mrs. Grunfeld, may I ask a few more questions…? Thank you, so…"

"…Tino?"

"Yes, darling? Sorry I hung up, it's my lunch break, I—"

"I understand, I was keeping you on hold for a long time. So, Mrs. Grunfeld says she picked—"

"Could you also write it down for me? I… am on my lunch break. Speaking of, this pasta is delicious, thank you!"

"Of course, Tino. So as she said, she picked…"

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected]
CC: HS-Pcd.AAureo, HS-Mgmt.EGrey

Subject: Mrs Grunfeld

Good afternoon,
As reported by Detective Logico, Mrs. Grunfeld seems to have consumed several tomatoes, several beets, two squashes and one cabbage from the community garden in the past few weeks.
Given her symptoms and the information above, it is safe to say she may not have much time left. Included in this email is the appropriate information packet, though a summary may also be helpful:

1. Source of problem: False beets
   1. A false beet is a creature that appears as a beet in order to trick people into harvesting and eating it.
   2. Considering several instances over the past few months where people have also gotten sick from vegetables grown in the garden, namely the beets, we are safe to assume this is our cause.
2. Solution: There is no way to remove the false beet that will not endanger its victim.
   1. Once it is eaten, the false beet takes its place in its victim's stomach and leeches off of their life force. Therefore it is impossible to remove without also killing the host.
   2. We at the HSH recommend making her last days as easy as can be, as well as grief counseling and, in the case of extreme emotional instability, the use of a memory wisp.

Thank you kindly and sorry for your loss,
I. Irratino,
Home Safety Hotline.

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SHE'S NOT GOING TO MAKE IT?"

"…I'll be back home by seven at the latest. I promise I'll explain everything."

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I—"

"Why is it that every time there's a fairy problem around, you insist that I get involved in it?"

"Because I know you're a thorough detective and you can handle almost anything I throw at you. I take it you're at the amusement park we got a call from?"

"Yes. You can clearly hear it in the background."

"Alright then… so we're looking for a Sabrina… what was it? Bailey?"

"Bayless. Do you want to hear the full story we got from her sister? Would that help?"

"Immensely. I'm listening."

"Sabrina's sister says she heard her wake up in the middle of the night to… use the bathroom? I can't read Charcoal's handwriting."

"Send a picture to me later, I can decipher it. You forget what my boss' handwriting looks like."

"Right. So, girl wakes up in the middle of the night to do… something. Her sister wakes from the noise, goes to check on her, and moments later gets screamed at like… if I remember correctly, she said 'like a damn banshee announcing the death of my poor dog'."

"That's… mean to actual banshee. No, wait, I'm changing the subject."

"Yeah. So after the screeching, everyone else gets woken up, right? Sister's husband, two children, the aforementioned dog even. And Sabrina tries attacking the husband with a frying pan."

"Well, did he deserve it?"

"I— what? What do you mean, did he deserve it?"

"I mean, don't you sometimes overlook those things if the attacker deserved it?"

"…There's a reason I called you about this."

"Right! Right. Sorry."

"It's alright. Once Sabrina starts attacking, her sister and the husband try to fend her off, but she manages to land a hit on the husband hard enough to make him fall to the floor. So her sister threatened to call the police, which is when Sabrina made her escape. She's still carrying the frying pan and dressed in her—"

"Logico, before you keep going, I have everything written down. Send me Charcoal's notes and then go find her. I think the more information you get out of Sabrina, the easier time we'll have diagnosing her problem."

"Understood. I'll call your private cell when we've caught her. Tell Azure we might also need her help in this one, I know these things are her specialty."

"Of course. Now go catch a teen girl, baby."

"Good afternoon, I—"

"Hey, Tino. We caught her."

"Oh! Did Aureolin make it to you in time?"

"She did, thank God. We did some questioning, and…"

"Yes?"

"…I think there are still many more things you owe me an explanation on. She says she was up watching 'the game' when she heard weird noises from the basement."

"Oh! I'm listening, go on!"

"She says she doesn't remember her parents doing renovations, but there was a doorframe just… there. In the middle of the basement. She doesn't even live with her parents, Tino."

"I hear that. Was she then struck by a strong need to cross to the other side?"

"She… did. This is—"

"A neighbor's doorway, yes. She needs psychiatric help."

"…what?"

"So… the Sabrina we have here isn't the one who was originally here. She's from a parallel universe, alright?"

"…it's a doorframe."

"Exactly. We don't really have… a way to get the original Sabrina back, but we can get her some help. I'll ask my boss to oversee this, if you don't mind."

"This is… Tino, this is concerning."

"I know. But this is our only solution. We'll send someone to remove the doorway as well, she can't go through it and come back as the original Sabrina either. Okay?"

"…okay. I'll see you for dinner."

"Oh, you will. Make sure to not let Bella into the snacks cabinet before I'm back, alright?"

"Don't you do this regularly, though?"

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you?"

"Hi, this is Officer Copper with the 17^th precinct speaking, we were called in to assist in a case that should have gone straight to you, and—"

"Copper, darling! How's your back? After our little incident with Dionysus…"

"…I still can't believe you named that thing. But I'm alright. It wasn't as bad as it felt."

"So glad to hear that! So you said a case that should have come to us? Is Logico involved?"

"Yes, he sure is, but he's currently having a mental breakdown over this. You know how he is with the… weird and wonderful."

"I sure know… it took him a few weeks to cope with the fact that I'm, well…"

"Did he really not know that already?"

"I'll text you everything, these calls are recorded anyway."

"Understood. So there is a young man here at the station, he came in a panic… claims he can't see his face. Says a young woman stole it from him."

"I see… is he a repeat show or is this a new one?"

"I hate that I understand what you're talking about, but no. This is a new guy. He's practically hyperventilating in the room we put him in, we're considering sending Tangerine in."

"Just give him another iron sword and set him loose in the forest."

"Not at the mental state he's in right now, we won't! Have you lost your mind?!"

"You and I both know it's the only way he can get his face back from that mirror nymph!"

"Once he calms down, I'll consider it! Not to mention we… are out of iron swords."

"…literally how, Copper?!"

"We had a leprechaun infestation last month. They ate our swords."

"Dang it… I'll send Azure over with an emergency sword we have at the office, okay?"

"Irratino, I beg of you—"

"Not for now! For whenever you think the guy can use it! Also she just signed out for the day. Just… take it, okay? So we can get this over with."

"Dealing with your organization is never boring, Irratino. We'll talk later."

"Home safety hotline, this is Ir—"

"Tino, why is Azure here with a giant sword?"

"For the mirror nymph problem Copper said you've got! You're all out of swords, aren't you?"

"Tino, I hope you understand me when I say this… this is reaching a level of insanity here. Please explain."

"I know, I'm sorry… mirror nymphs are nymphs that steal people's faces. That's about it."

"…and? There's no solution to this?"

"Of course there is. You arm the victim with an iron weapon and set them loose to break the mirror they lost their face to. But as Copper said, you… don't have any swords left at the station."

"And that's why Azure was just here with one?"

"Yep! Pretty much."

"I hope you know how weird this is."

"Oh, I do. I've had so many mirror nymph calls since I started working here. It's my least favorite pest."

"I'll keep that in mind, then… you sound very worried, though."

"I… you have to promise me you won't get mad when I say this, okay?"

"Okay… I promise I won't get mad. Upset, though… maybe."

"That's fine with me. You… were the first person I approached when it happened to me a few years back. I thought you were already trained how to handle it back then, and…"

"Tino, I… need a few hours to… to digest this. Please."

"Of course. Take all the time in the world."

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"Tino, we got another issue with Ms. Bridges!"

"Again? Does the old bat ever take a break?"

"Is it ever her fault, though? Anyway, she thinks the… she thinks Dionysus may have done something to her basement."

"Hey, Dionysus is a good boy! We don't talk about him like that!"

"I've yet to meet the young man, and I sure hope that once I do he won't get Bella pregnant."

"Not ready to be a slug-grandpa, Logico?"

"We'll talk about that later. Listen, her basement looks like… it looks like Han Son Doong, I won't lie."

"Oh, that one's exciting! I'll send Raven's team right over! You got any gold on you?"

"I'm assuming this isn't Dionysus' doing?"

"Nope. It's a cellar grotto, it happens on its own. Raven's team are experts in taking care of these sort of things, trust me. Cloud's team too, but Raven is… well, she's Raven."

"I trust you, you know that. I just… don't understand this."

"I understand. Try to explain to her that Dionysus had nothing to do with this while you wait, okay? It'll be gone from her house in a jiffy once Raven comes."

"I… alright, I'll do my best. See you at home, Tino."

"Good luck, love."

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how—"

"Remind me how mirror nymphs work again?"

"They carry mirrors around and anyone unlucky enough to gaze into them loses recognition of their own face… why? Did we get another one?"

"I'm not sure… Tino, she can't remember her sister's face."

"Who's she, Sabrina? Are we back to Sabrina—"

"No we're not, and thank God for that. Copper says she's not having a good time in the ward."

"I'll say… parallelism is never a good time. So who's she?"

"The… extremely unfortunate girl who called us earlier…? Tino, she thinks she's been roofied. She can't remember her sister's face."

"I heard that! Does she have any pictures of her sister on her?"

"She does, she said she does, but— oh. Oh."

"Oh what?"

"…we can't find any of the pictures."

"Oh… Logico, I… I'm so sorry, there's nothing we can do from now really."

"What do you mean, nothing?"

"I… I promise I'll tell you the full thing back home, but for now, just know it was a memory wisp. She's not getting those memories back, unfortunately."

"…I'll call Tangerine."

"Thank you, love. See you at home."

"…Logico?"

"Yes? How was work today?"

"We… need to talk. Can you sit down?"

"Is it about the memory wisp thing…?"

"Yes. Yes it is. We've… umm…"

"Please, just say it, okay? I promise I won't—"

"We've had to use memory wisps on you multiple times ever since you helped me with that mirror nymph. This isn't the first time we've gotten together, not even the fifth."

"…I need to leave."

"No, Logico, please, I beg there's a good reason to—"

"I'll call you when I know how I feel. I'm sorry."

Chapter Text

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"…Tino?"

"Hey, Logico… is everything alright? How's Charcoal and Midnight's vacation house?"

"Tino, I… we'll talk about this when I come back home, okay?"

"Home?"

"We got an amber alert. You saw it in the news, right? Or do I need to…"

"Oh, everybody here saw it, alright. Mr. Grey from management already has a conspiracy board."

"I didn't know Earl Grey was into conspiracy boards."

"You don't know him, but he is. Very much so."

"Alright… so, the little girl, Cindy. Her mom says it was almost comical, how she disappeared. She doesn't know whether to laugh or cry."

"Tell me everything. I need to find the correct package."

"She described it as a tall man wearing a bush costume. We're on the look for… well… but we can't dismiss all possibilities."

"Does her mother have rose bushes in her yard?"

"She… does. Why?"

"Does any of them have human feet?"

"…Tino, I'm still upset with you. I hope you know this."

"I know, but trust me, I know what I'm asking."

"Hey Charcoal, does any of those bushes have human feet?! …He says one of them does."

"There's your perp. It's not some creep or pedophile, it's literally just a monster shaped as a rose bush."

"Every new thing you teach me about the fey world only kills more of my brain cells."

"I know the feeling. Basically, this thing… ate Cindy."

"…WHAT?!"

"Yeah, it's… it just… we can send out a memory wisp to help ease her mom's grief pro—"

"No. No memory wisps. I refuse to take part in this."

"I'll send Aureolin to you, then. WITHOUT the memory wisp. She'll explain our options to her mom and see how we move on from here. Okay?"

"…alright. Hey, Tino?"

"Yeah, baby?"

"I'm coming straight home after this. Is Bella fed or do I need to find new dust caches for her?"

"She'd appreciate it if you found new ones. She missed you."

"I missed you both too."

"Good morning, home safety hotline, this is Azure, how may I assist you today?"

"Good morning, Azure!"

"Irratino? What are you doing, calling us?"

"I'm on my day off, baby! And… Logico was called in early for a rather spectacular case of a closet labyrinth, and ever since I told him about the time we used a memory wisp to make him forget about that one Lussi…"

"Why did you even tell him about that? You know Mr. Grey discourages these discussions!"

"He needed an explanation and I'm not gonna hold it back from him, okay? So, I'm calling on Logico's behalf because a closet labyrinth has made its way into my aunt's house."

"What are you even doing at your aunt's house…?"

"Family barbecue? Logico has never met my aunt? Azure, can you send the removal team please?"

"I'll see where Flint is. He didn't sign in yet, but I bet you he'll be here any minute now…"

"Wait, Flint? Not Cloud?"

"Buddy… Cloud got fired two weeks ago. Remember that?"

"Right, right! My bad! But… Isn't this Flint's fifth time being late this month already? Does Mr. Grey know he's late?"

"He lashed out on Flint so bad the other day that I think our entire IT department is still trying to recover their hearing from the security footage audio. I doubt he'd be so late again, it's just..."

"Dear Ones Beneath…"

"You don't say. Anyway, I'll send Flint over as soon as he's here and hope Mr. Grey doesn't fire him too."

"Thanks, darling! I owe you one!"

"Good afternoon, home safety hotline, this is Azure—"

"Please tell me you have a good explanation for why Tino is trying to keep his entire family in the backyard?"

"Hi, Logico! Are you having a good time at the barbecue?"

"I thought we were going to have a barbecue, not that I'll have to be on the job!"

"I feel that. Did you know Aureolin is on sick leave because she's got shingles?"

"…did I need to know that?"

"So, I'll explain what's going on, okay? Irratino's aunt has what's called a closet labyrinth in her bedroom."

"I was told that much. She still thinks it's a squatter, though."

"Good, let her keep thinking that. Flint is our best… well, he's our best x-days-without-accidents record holder among the labyrinth removal team, or at least he's been our best since Cloud got fired. Just tell her he was sent to take care of it because you're on vacation, you know?"

"I… Azure, can I be completely honest with you?"

"Of course!"

"I have no idea what's happening. I agree to doing this because it's my job, and I can't stay away from Tino for too long before I get anxious, but I don't know if I can trust your hotline after what… well…"

"Irratino… shouldn't have told you all of this. I know it's not reassuring, right? But it's a tactic we use when civil servants like yourselves or EMTs find themselves in situations that might wreck the mind otherwise. But we know how to use them, we train… it's kind of funny to say this, we train our memory wisps to target those specific parts. We don't just use them willy-nilly."

"I… I know. Tino and I had this talk a few days ago, he told me everything. But I'm still angry. And this is an unusual emotion for me."

"I understand. And I'm so sorry it all happened. But… can you promise me you'll tell his aunt that?"

"…sure. Hey, we're still on for bowling next week, right? That hasn't changed?"

"Of course we are! Monday bowling is always on!"

"Home safety hotline—"

"Tell me we don't have another closet labyrinth happening."

"What do you mean? Where are you, still at home?"

"Remember Old Man Yeltzin and his… bedsheet problems?"

"Oh dear. Tell me he's not turning pink and floral all over…"

"Please… no, you know what? Don't explain this to me. I don't need to know. But his niece called for a welfare check on him because he won't pick up the phone. And I think I can see why."

"Hit me, baby. One more—"

"No. His floor is covered in filthy sheets, unwashed dishes, food waste…"

"Oh… Logico, darling, I think… I think it might be time for Old Man Yeltzin to move in with his niece. And get this health hazard of a house demolished."

"So… closet labyrinth?"

"Close, but not quite. A closet labyrinth is more like the cellar grotto we dealt with. This is The Horde. It's a whole other can of worms."

"Is there no… horde removal team or something?"

"No, once it's there it's there for good. The best you can do is move out and sell your house."

"Are you sure about that…?"

"Look, we may be a very biased company, but on this we're sure. There's The Horde, there's the fey feast and then there's the… never mind, but none of these have a right solution. The only solution is to run away."

"Alright, if you say so… the old man needs to look after his health better, if anything…"

"See? Good reason to move him out! Now that we got that sorted, when are you coming to pick me up tonight?"

"When I'm done at work, hopefully. I'll see you later, Tino."

"Home service center, this is Irratino, how may I—"

"Tino… baby…"

"Logico, what's that noise in the background?"

"No idea. We got called here to deal with a stalker issue, but there's no stalker to be found…"

"Logico, please, grab everyone and leave. We can talk once you're all out of… wherever you are. Okay?"

"Alright… please stay on the line with me, okay? I don't think…"

"Of course."

"…we're all out. Cats included."

"Thank the Ones Above and Below the Soil, darling, you're okay. So…"

"Can you… explain, what that was?"

"Likely whistling fungi. It's not a danger to any of you, but… those little pieces of shit can make a house collapse, and this whistling is a good sign that they're mature enough to start doing it."

"Huh… got it. And… about the stalker?"

"Yes! Let me speak with the victim and get the full picture."

"Alright… Miss Violet, do you mind sharing your story again?"

"…I got everything, thank you Miss Violet. Could you pass the phone back to the Detective for me?"

"…tell me the news."

"It's literally nothing. It's just a very voyeuristic night gnome who thinks her sleeping habits are hilarious."

"That's worrying."

"It's very worrying, but it really shouldn't concern her. Wherever she goes now, just tell her to get a sleeping mask and maybe close the shutters when she sleeps, just to make sure it doesn't follow her."

"Alright… and the house?"

"Uninhabitable. The fungi will destroy it this week at best."

"Got it. I'll just let Her Ladyship know that her daughter is…"

"Oh, Violet as in Lady Violet's daughter?"

"The very one. I'll let her know her daughter will be temporarily moving into her university's dormitory until we can find her a better place to be."

"Tell her I say hello when you do! I like her!"

"Will do."

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"Irratino!"

"Logico! Why are we screaming?"

"Why the hell are we being flooded with stalker reports? They can't all be gnomes!"

"You're right, they can't, but… we are entering the cold season. Could be rain nymphs just wanting to say hello, could be a Spriggan being a little bitch, could be… no, I hope it's not that one…"

"Okay, let's focus on one highly suspicious one that we got, alright? We can go over the others later."

"I'm all ears, baby!"

"Remember Sabrina Bayless?"

"Of course I do!"

"Remember her sister?"

"Yes…?"

"So her sister bought a new mirror after Sabrina smashed that frying pan into it before running away. Said it took her weeks to find one similar enough to the old one. And… she hasn't gotten a wink of sleep since."

"Well, it can't be… it can't be a false artifact, can it? Her kids and dog are all good, right?"

"…her kids and dog are alright. But she says she started hearing noises at night, some of her belongings disappearing and showing up in places they shouldn't be… is the mirror haunted?"

"Oh, definitely. But it's not what you think."

"Humor me, then, Irratino."

"It's a warlock remnant. The warlock who once owned this mirror is long gone, but his powers are still stored in there. But there's a way of fixing this."

"Is it at least an easy way of fixing this?"

"Either she or her husband would have to get a Seelie Stone. But the journey to get one isn't quick, nor easy, nor free."

"Goddamnit…"

"We do have some in store in case it presents a serious problem, but it's recommended they go looking for one themselves."

"I'll let her know, then. Thank you."

"No problem at all. Now, tell me about another case…"

"Nine-one-one, what is your emergency?"

"So sorry for doing it this way, I just forgot the number of the 17^th precinct station. Can you transfer me please?"

"Hello?"

"Logico! Baby, you're not going to believe this!"

"…you called me at my desk."

"Technically I was transferred to your desk from 911, but that's another subject."

"You did wha—"

"So! Remember the Halloween stalker? The one we got seventeen hundred calls combined about?"

"The one that kidnapped people and replaced them with scarecrows…?"

"Yes! You're not going to believe this, but… we may have found who did it."

"Tino… am I going to get an aneurysm from what you're about to say?"

"Probably so. But I promise it'll all make sense in the end."

"…what do I have left to lose? Hit me."

"Baby one more ti—"

"Absolutely not."

Chapter Text

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"Irratino, this is Officer Copper. Logico said you have news for us?"

"Yes! Right. So, remember the Halloween stalker?"

"Of course I do. A downright slasher movie, if you ask me."

"Yes. So, we had a conference with Mr. Grey from management, and we're going to start looking into Perchta. I know you know who that is."

"I don't follow… I'm sorry, but Perchta is a…"

"She's a benevolent being, right, that's what we all thought as well. We wrote it off as sprig trees because we had no idea what's going on, but… Perchta also punishes the naughty children."

"…that she does… but she's…"

"Mr. Grey came to the conclusion that something is drawing her back here rather early. I mean, we're almost at Thanksgiving, Christmas is a while from now and Epiphany even longer. But…"

"Don't tell me it's global warming."

"I don't think it's global warming. I think we're facing something greater than that."

"The Twilight? You know my cousin just saw lights in Texas back in September, right?"

"No, not the Twilight. But we're going to start seeing a lot of very weird things in the next few months. As for now, do you remember the common denominator of every house visited by Perchta?"

"Let's see… it's quite a list, so you should probably write it down."

"Officer Copper? I'm sorry I'm calling you at this hour, it's just—"

"Miss Azure, everything's alright. Thank you for calling, actually."

"Oh, phew! So, do you want an update on the Perchta investigation?"

"I'm listening. Go ahead."

"We think something must have infected her. It could have been a neighbor's doorway, though I doubt it would affect her much…"

"…is anyone suspecting Hans?"

"We… do, actually. Why?"

"It can't be a Hans. Two wrongs don't make a right. Does any of you have access to her dwelling?"

"Mr. Grey does… I think Irratino does too?"

"Good. Ask one of them to go check her dwelling. We may be looking at distress rather than an infection. And call back with your findings when you figure it out."

"Officer Copper, if I may ask… why do you care so much?"

"My parents were Eastern European immigrants, Azure. Perchta has always been my favorite Christmas figure. I don't like seeing her in distress like this."

"I understand… I'll let them know right away."

"Home safety hotline, this is—"

"Hey, Tino. Got a second?"

"For you? Always. What's happening?"

"Charcoal's been calling off work for a week now, you know."

"Of course I do, Midnight told me about him getting sick when we went to brunch last weekend."

"Yeah, so… he's in the hospital right now. He's fine! Don't call his husband, he knows. But his smoking habits and general anxiety ever since the fire are… not doing him so good."

"And we're suspecting something I can take care of?"

"We are. His sleep paralysis is back. I didn't even know he has sleep paralysis, but apparently he does."

"Oh no! Wait, what do you mean back?"

"Copper and I talked to him when we—"

"Ooh, before anything, tell Copper she was right! We found dream weaver webs at Perchta's dwelling. We're taking care of it."

"…will do. But as I said, we talked with him when we visited, and he says his episodes haven't been as frequent since starting therapy and that he didn't have one at all since getting married."

"Interesting…"

"His sleep paralysis demon also… didn't look like an old woman originally."

"…yeah, I see where we come in. Do you know if Midnight is home currently?"

"He's at the hospital right now."

"Alright… I'll call him later, then. We need to schedule when Aureolin can come in to remove the bed hag."

"Now explain what a bed hag is to me like I'm five."

"It's a creature that steals the breath of sleeping humans. It's typically not dangerous and could even be helpful to healthy adults as a form of pest control, but young children and people with breathing problems are… not so lucky."

"I see… send Aureolin now, then. Charcoal's getting out of here by tomorrow."

"Aye aye, captain!"

"Don't you dare, Tino."

"Aw, but you love it!"

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I—"

"Hey, it's me, we got another stalker problem."

"Again?!"

"I hate it too, believe me. But we got Ms. Bridges—"

"AGAIN?!"

"Nine times out of ten, I promise you, we're all so sure she's just calling about her cat being stuck in a tree. I understand the agony."

"This woman… I swear, you're going to have to block her number at some point. This is becoming ridiculous."

"So Ms. Bridges says she's got a stalker now, and… god, Tino, I'm trying so hard not to burst out laughing at this… she says we should have told her this house is haunted before she moved in."

"Didn't she move in last century…?"

"That's mean."

"Sorry… she has a stalker now?"

"She says she hears squeaking noises outside her windows at night."

"Oh dear… it's just a troll. It's not a stalker."

"So… how do we fix this?"

"Tell her to turn her damn outdoors lights on. It's not that hard."

"I'll tell her that… I think I'm also going to suggest blocking her landline number."

"That's… wait. Logico. Is Copper there?"

"Yes… she is. Why?"

"Can you put her on the phone with me? I think we have a bit of a pattern here."

"A pattern regarding… what exactly?"

"Just let me talk to her. I'll explain everything when she passes the phone back."

"Copper here."

"Hey! It's Tino!"

"What's going on, Irratino? You don't typically—"

"How many stalking cases have we had over the past three months?"

"…what do you mean?"

"Stalking, in the criminal sense, is most common between ex-lovers. Correct?"

"Yes…"

"But so far we've had… let me see… night gnomes, a troll, Sabrina Bayless' sister's warlock remnant, two Spriggans, three rain nymphs, a case of autumn vines that went extremely wrong, two pookas and that one really sad animation we had three days ago."

"Not to mention the Perchta case."

"Yes, her too. And not one of them reported Dorcha? I'm starting to suspect somebody's taking a day off."

"Haven't heard that name in a while, I'll be honest with you."

"Now, how long have we been having these stalking cases?"

"About th— hey, I'll call you back on that one, okay? I need to meet up with Azure to do some math."

"Of course. Call me whenever!"

From: [email protected]
To: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

Subject: our stalking problem

afternoon.

our timeline spans the last three months, as you can see, starting in 23 august.

attached is a digitized version of our findings.

h copper.

"Home Safety Hotline, Earl Grey speaking."

"Afternoon, Mr. Grey! This is Irratino! I forwarded an email to you just now, wanted to make sure you've seen it?"

"Ah, Irratino. I wanted to talk to you about your performance this year before the winter holidays come. Do you mind coming to my office in an hour or so?"

"Gladly, but… I really need you to read this email, Sir. Really urgently."

"…call Aureolin. Both of you, my office, now."

"Yes sir! Five minutes or less!"

From: HS-Mgmt.EGrey
To: [email protected]
CC: [email protected], [email protected], [email protected]

Subject: re: our stalking problem

Good afternoon, Officer.

Understood. The culprit will be found promptly and turned back into a human person in order to stop our little wave.

Do expect a few Dorcha calls in the following days as we search for Mr. Cloud.

With kindest regards,

Earl Grey,
COO and Human Resources Manager
Home Safety Hotline

"Home safety hotline, this is Irratino, how may I assist you today?"

"Tino? It's me."

"Hi, Detective… are you alone right now?"

"May I remind you that these calls are recorded on both sides?"

"You never let me have any fun! Anyway, what's up? You got another Dorcha report?"

"I don't get what's this deal with dressing your former liminal space handler in a toga and presenting him to an invisible god in the woods in the dead of winter."

"First of all, it's not a toga. Second of all, it's all Cloud's fault for accepting favors from fairies."

"Isn't that what I do with you, though?"

"Ah, but from me it's not favors. What Cloud did was go on a blind date with our very own Fear Doirich while on the job here at the HSH."

"Which is… also not favors."

"No, I guess it's not… but then he got too invested in the existence of a forgotten boggart off in the Andes, it consumed his work-life balance, and Mr. Grey had no choice but to fire him. I suppose we should've listened more when he talked about his love life…"

"I feel like there's a 'in my defense' coming."

"No, none of that. He made Dorcha fall in love with him, now he'll have to suffer the consequences of not knowing how to prioritize the important things in life. Anyway, baby, tell me there's something really fun for me to do today, we've only had three cockroach extermination calls today and I'm dying for something fun!"

"What if I told you we got another mirror nymph case today?"

"Oh, I love those! Did you have enough iron swords?"

"Yeah, yeah… I'm sorry, we don't have much happening today either. It's almost Christmas, you know how this season is."

"Oh yeah… people setting their houses on fire from deep frying turkey, last year's snow storm almost burying Ms. Bridges' house, the Twilight coming in…"

"…come again?"

"About which part, the Twilight or the turkey?"

"Never mind. When do you finish today? We had plans…"

"I should be done in… four hours. Our plans are at eight, right?"

"Yeah, I'm just… well, I haven't been this nervous since the first time I called in."

"Is there anything I should know about…?"

"…I may have found a new sibling for Bella, as your… early Christmas present, and I want you to help me break them in."

"Make it two hours! A new sibling is important news!"

"Don't leave work early because of—"

"I'll see you soon, baby! HEY AUREOLIN, GUESS WHO'S GETTING A NEW BABY SIB—"