Chapter Text
(Cover art by the incredible optimisticsuitcoffee)
Do you know how scary it is?
You’re fine one minute, the next you’re waking up on the floor with no idea what happened. All you know is you’re scared and you feel awful. Sometimes you wake up to a body that is completely paralyzed, and you are terrified it won’t be temporary this time.
It’s mortifying when it happens around people, and it terrifying when it happens when you’re all alone.
Having epilepsy is in simple terms—scary.
Keith has dealt with it since the age of eight. Ironically, the same age he lost his father. Developing a severe disability while navigating foster care and group homes is no fun, that’s for sure. Adults can be ignorant and kids can be cruel, and viceversa.
It’s a unique experience to be meeting prospective new foster parents one minute and then jolting awake on the floor the next; not a particularly fun experience. Guess who ended up right back in the group home that night?
Somehow, he managed to go without having a single seizure while at the Garrison. It’s something he will forever be grateful for. A combination of medication and a strict diet helped manage his condition. Luckily, his foster parents at the time actually cared that he had access to his medications and Shiro insisted on it. It’s sad how much of a luxury adequate medical care was at the time. Medical neglect was somewhat common place for him up until then. In one home, instead of a doctor they got him a priest. Being told your seizures are a sign of demons, is not great for a person’s mental health.
Not having a seizure at the Garrison meant that no one there knew about his condition; other than Shiro and Adam. So now that he has suddenly been shot into space with three of his former peers, he has the task of telling them about his condition.
Having to tell virtual strangers about something that is incredibly personal, and that he would prefer to keep private, is incredibly frustrating; but he has to. They need to know if they are going to fight alongside him. They need to know that at any moment he could have a seizure or pass out. They are eventually going to wonder why occasionally he completely blanks out and stares into nowhere. They deserve to know the dangers he poses.
Shiro told him that it was right that he do so. He would never force him, but it is safer for him and the entire team if they are all on the same page. Especially now that he doesn’t have access to his medication, he is at a far greater risk of having an attack.
The first time they all sit down to have a meal together, Keith decides it’s a good a time as any to tell them. He looks to Shiro and Shiro nods in encouragement. He waits for Lance’s and Pidge’s loud conversation to quiet down before he speaks.
“Um, Guys. I have something I wanted to tell you.” Keith finally says.
“Is it how awesome I am? I did kill it out there.” Lance jokes as he props his feet up on the table.
“I highly doubt that. You and blue nearly took me out three different times.” Pidge sasses him.
“Well maybe it wasn’t that I almost hit you, as much as it was that you were in the way!”
“I mean you clipped yellow.” Hunk shrugs, but actually seems a bit bitter.
“You ran into Keith on purpose!” Lance shouts.
“I was testing a theory!”
Keith clenches his fist under the table. He’s trying to tell them something important and difficult to say, and they just go and ignore him! He’s telling them because he cares about their safety, the least they could do is shut up for ten seconds.
As the trio continue to go back and forth, completely forgetting that Keith wanted to say something in the first place, Keith’s anger gets the best of him. He shoves his chair away from the table and stands up. The screeching sound of the chair against the floor snaps everyone’s attention back to him. They all stare at him with wide eyes. He is so done. Why does no one ever listen?
“Ke—” Shiro starts to console him.
“I have epilepsy! Okay?! I just wanted to tell you in case I get all of us killed!” Keith shouts before storming out of the room.
“Keith, wait!” Shiro runs after him.
“Just leave me alone, Shiro. I just want to be alone.” Keith crosses his arms and refuses to meet Shiro’s eyes.
“Buddy, I’m sorry they didn’t listen. That was disrespectful and you deserved to be listened to. I should have stepped in.”
“It’s not your fault.” Keith shakes his head.
He can’t let Shiro blame himself. It’s not his responsibility to control everyone’s actions.
“And, Keith…I know you’re scared, and there is nothing wrong with that. Honestly, I’m scared too. We are already in a dangerous situation, and it’s made scarier because you don’t have the resources you need to handle this disorder. I can’t imagine how frustrating and scary that is for you. Just watching you have seizures have been some of there scariest experiences of my life. It must be a thousand times worse for you. I just want you to know that I am going to look out for you. I’m going to be with you every step of the way. I’m going to keep you safe.” Shiro looks at him with the most tender and sincere expression.
If Keith hasn’t spent his whole life learning how to keep his vulnerability buried, he would probably tear up at Shiro’s heartfelt expression.
“I—I am scared.” Keith forces himself to admit.
“I know. I know that, Buddy. That’s okay. But we are in this together; always remember that.”
Keith takes a deep breath and nods.
“Can I hug you?” Shiro asks.
“Yeah, you don’t need to ask.” Keith chuckles softly.
Shiro pulls him close and holds him firmly. He runs his fingers through his hair the way he knows always makes Keith melt. Keith sighs and nuzzles into his neck. Shiro smiles as he holds his little brother.
“I love you.” Shiro whispers softly.
“I love you, too.” Keith pulls Shiro even closer.
“I know you’re scared, too. You were held captive by the Galra and now you are being forced to fight against them. But, I’m going to be there for you, just as much as you’re there for me.” Keith assures Shiro with a resolute look.
“That means a lot to me. You’re the best brother I could ever ask for.”
They pull away and give each other an affectionate smile.
“How about you go get some rest and try to talk to the others again a bit later.” Shiro suggests.
“Okay.” Keith says softly.
…
Keith takes a few hours to compose himself and plan on how he will talk to the other now that he spilled it all out to them. It’s even more intimidating now that they know and they’ve seen him blow up at them. He’s embarrassed and ashamed. He’s so immature and dramatic. He’s basically an adult and he still threw a literal tantrum like a little kid. The others must be terrified knowing they’re being forced to fight alongside an epileptic toddler. He really hates himself sometimes.
He makes his way out to the common room where everyone is relaxing; even Allura and Coran. When he enters all eyes immediately go to him. It takes everything in him not to shrink back, but he forces himself to stand tall and undaunted.
“Keith…” Pidge starts to say something.
“Let him talk.” Shiro says in Keith’s defense.
She nods in understanding.
“I’m, um, I’m sorry I kinda blew up. I just get angry sometimes and it’s not something I particularly like to talk about.” Keith clears his throat.
“It’s just not something I normally talk about with most people. But, I think that because we are a team and our lives are literally in each other’s hands, you deserve to know the possible dangers. It’s not like I can get my medication out here, so the risks are higher that I will have an attack. If you, uh, have any questions, you can ask.” Keith rubs his arm furiously, feeling anxious.
“I don’t really know much about epilepsy. What exactly is it?” Lance is the first to ask.
“Can you..?” Keith quietly asks Shiro, becoming a bit nervous about verbalizing it.
“It’s a disorder in the brain, where nerve cell activity is disrupted. You likely know that its most common symptoms is that it causes seizures, but there are others; such as amnesia, headaches, fainting, fatigue, staring spells, and even temporary paralysis after a seizure. Keith regularly experiences amnesia and temporary paralysis after his seizures, just so you are aware. There is no cure, but there are ways to help manage epilepsy. But, obviously he doesn’t have access to a lot of those things. That being said, there are plenty of ways we can help him and keep him safe when he has a seizure.”
“What is a seizure?” Allura asks for clarification.
They hadn’t considered how the Alteans wouldn’t know some of these terms.
“Right. There are multiple kinds of seizures. The main ones Keith experiences are Clonic seizures and Tonic seizures. Clonic seizures are when muscles repeatedly stiffen and relax, it looks like jerking. Tonic seizures are when your body suddenly tenses or become stiff, which causes you to suddenly fall; or often a mixture of both. Those are the main dangerous ones. I can’t remember the name of the other one, but it causes minor muscle movements like eye blinking, lip-smacking, chewing motions, hand motions, or rubbing fingers.”
“How can we help when you have one?” Hunk asks.
Keith eyes widen in surprise. He expected them to be frustrated and upset with the whole situation. He certainly didn’t think they would want to help.
“Well if I have a seizure it is important that I am layed down. It’s not uncommon for a person having a seizure to throw up; so if I do, roll me onto the side so I don’t choke on it. You don’t need to physically restrain me, unless I am going to hurt myself. If you notice that my head randomly starts tilting to one side or I don’t am staring off into space, that might be a sign of an on coming full body seizure. It would be good to see if I’m responsive, and if not get me on the ground before I fall. Um, yeah. Sorry, I know it’s a lot.” Keith feels really uncomfortable asking for their help.
“Pay special attention to keeping his head safe. The last thing we want is him hitting his head while seizing. If I’m close, please scream for me so I can come help.” Shiro adds.
“Is there like, what are those things…stuff that can set off a seizure?” Lance asks.
“Come on, Sharpshooter. It’s a trigger; you of all people should know that!” Pidge jokes, making Keith chuckle.
“Oh, shut up.” Lance crosses his arms and pouts.
“To answer your question, yes. They are random, but somethings can make them more likely; like stress, fatigue, anxiety, lack of sleep, flashing lights, high temperature, and certain foods. So, hopefully this goo isn’t one of those foods.” Keith jokes halfheartedly.
Keith knows first hand how food can trigger seizures, for him it was primarily eating too quickly. For a good portion of his life, he had to fight to eat. Some foster families with far too many children, would provide a minuscule amount of food and if you weren’t fast enough you got scrapes or nothing. He would have to scarf as much down as he could before the older kids threw him out of the way. But, the rapid eating combined with a less than ideal diet occasionally lead to a seizure. Food became a challenge; he will hoard it and at the same time go hungry out of the fear of having a seizure.
It’s hard to handle, and even harder to unlearn.
Everyone nods in understanding.
“I’m sorry.” Keith says solemnly.
“For..?” Lance says, looking puzzled.
“Compromising the team and putting everyone at risk. I do understand that I’m a liability, and I want you to know that I’m sorry.” Keith adverts his eyes, to hide his shame.
“Dude…don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. No one blames you.” Hunk looks at him empathetically.
Keith looks at him, looking stunned and confused.
“Yeah, this isn’t something we are mad about.” Pidge looks struck at the idea of Keith thinking they could possibly be angry at him for his disorder.
“Why not?” Keith asks, looking bewildered.
“It’s not like you’re doing it on purpose. It’s your reality and we’ll adapt.”
Keith can hear what they’re saying, but he just can’t understand it. It’s always been ‘something wrong with him’, how do they not see that he’s ruining everything?
“Keith…It’s disorder, not a character flaw.” Lance gives him a real smile.
Keith feels like he’s been punched in the gut. They aren’t mad. They even seem like they want to help him. Even Lance doesn’t blame him. It feels unreal.
“…not that you don’t have any of those. That’s just no one of them.” Lance mumbles.
Pidge smacks him for the rude comment.
Keith just laughs; okay, so this is definitely real.
Lance perks up at being able to make Keith laugh. He’s not certain he’s ever seen him give out more than a puff of air at a joke.
“Coran and I will assist you in anyway you need! You are a Paladin just the same as you’ve been!” Allura smiles at him.
“Thank you, Princess.” Keith says softly, feeling a little overwhelmed by the support.
“The Red Lion would have known about your ailment when she picked you! She clearly trusts you just the same; as do I!” Coran says enthusiastically.
Keith nods in thanks to him. This is far from the response he expected to get.
“See, Bud. We’re going to get through this as a team. No one is going through this alone.” Shiro emphasizes.
“Okay.” Keith nods with a small smile.
Maybe he can do this. If they don’t hate him, maybe he can actually be of some use up here. Although he is still frightened, Keith feels the intense felling of terror subside. If they all think he can do it…well, maybe he can.