Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Asakura Kazuki was a highly regarded pediatric doctor working in the crime-ridden city of Shinkoumi. The mothers and fathers loved him, as did the children. He had a way with them, he knew just how to talk to them, to make them feel as safe and comfortable as possible during their checkups. He was known to be gentle and caring, good at his job, an amazing pediatrician. So, why was such an esteemed doctor working in such a city as Shinkoumi, a place run by the mafia and full of crime and death? Surely such a doctor could get a job in a nicer, safer city.

That is a story Asakura would not easily tell. It’s something he’s kept close to his chest, locked away behind a thick mask of shame. No one could know. No one could know his past, no one could know his thoughts. No one could know anything about him. He was gentle. He was caring. He loved children so dearly, so purely and genuinely. He had devoted his life to their health and care. He feared children being put in harm’s way more than anything. That was his truth and that was the man they saw. They couldn’t see anything else. He would never let them see him for anything else again. He wasn’t a monster. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be, no matter what anyone says.

I’m not, I can’t be, I’m not a monster, I’m NOT, Asakura chanted in his mind, willing the thought away.

He had spent all night awake with a bad case of insomnia, tormented by his thoughts, lying in bed and worrying over them until the sun came up. He didn’t know why he thought these things. These horrible, disgusting things about children. About children he knew, sometimes. His patients. Children he was meant to care for. Just last night Asakura was bombarded with a series of violent, sexual ideas about a little boy he had seen the day before. These thoughts scared him so badly that he was hyperventilating, so overwhelmed with the fear that he would hurt the boy that it felt as if he was choking on it. But he was used to that by now. This was normal for him, and he hated that. It terrified him. It’s not as if he was worth enough that he deserved to be spared the pain. People who thought those things were worth nothing. They were monsters. The scum of society who deserved nothing but death. No, Asakura was terrified for the children. His worst fear was that he’d lose control one day and harm a child. He was around them every day, it would be so very easy for him to…

No. You won’t. You’re not a monster. You won’t, you can’t, Asakura tells himself again, as he reluctantly gets out of bed, rubbing his tired eyes. …but, what am I then? No normal person thinks those things. How could I not be a monster? I’ve thought of defiling such an innocent being. A child. A pure, holy angel. Angels are too pure for such vile thoughts. Angels… angels, angels, angels…. Too pure… I wish I was pure… holy and innocent like an angel... His exhausted mind thinks about angels, as it often does, as he changes into his work clothes. He feels a familiar comfort wash over him. Yes, that’s right. Children were innocent, pure, holy. Children were angels. He felt that purity wash away the lingering of his vulgar thoughts, as if the angels were freeing him of his sins. Because he’d prayed last night, he remembered. He’d prayed and prayed for salvation and he was finally being granted even a crumb of it. He knew by now not to hope the thoughts would be gone for good. But he could at least wear this purity for today. At least until his shift was over, he wouldn’t be a monster. He was Asakura Kazuki, gentle, caring, good with children. Safe for children. He’d keep them safe. He’d keep them safe from himself, no matter what it took.

After he was dressed, Asakura headed to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. He was going to need it after getting no sleep last night. As he blearily picked up the mug, a bit of the coffee sloshed out of the side of it and landed in the scolding splash on his hand.

“Mh-!” he flinched, pulling back his hand instinctively. A burning pain shot through him. As he regained his composure, he looked down at his hand. A small but notably red burn adorned his skin.
…punishment, his mind told him. If you want to repent, you need to endure this pain. You deserve it, monsters deserve to be hurt. If you endure the pain you’ll be allowed to be pure today.

He didn’t know why that’s what came to his mind immediately, and he didn’t question it. He simply accepted it as fact. If a little pain was what would free him today, he would happily pay that price.

He wiped the coffee off his hand with a towel. The fibers rubbing against the burn hurt terribly, but it was his repentance, so he endured it as his mind had told him to.
With that, he set to making himself toast for breakfast as he took small sips of his still scolding hot coffee. It stung his tongue, just a little. Not enough to damage it, not as bad as his hand. But it hurt. It hurt and he let that pain wash over him like an angel’s blinding light. Repentance, forgiveness, punishment. He internally counted every stinging sip, every number bringing him closer to purity.

One… two… three… four… five… wha-?? The toast popped up from the toaster, startling him out of his counting with a flinch. His heart rate skyrocketed. Focus… focus on the pain, the punishment, he tells himself as he takes steadying deep breaths. How are you going to handle work today if you can’t even handle breakfast? Perhaps this is a punishment as well… or perhaps it’s assurance that I’m not a threat if I can be scared off by a toaster. Hm, maybe I should keep a toaster in the examination room just in case… the children can use it for self-defense…

With that thought in mind, still somewhat shaken up, he plates and butters the toast, sits down, and begins eating his breakfast. As the coffee cools down, it stops hurting as he drinks it. That was fine, though, because his hand still hurt. He left the injury untended to, allowing it to burn like repentance into his flesh as he ate and then headed off to work.

Chapter Text

Thankfully, Asakura’s thoughts seemed to have calmed down for the most part as he went about his day. It was always difficult for him to be up close with children, of course, but as it was his job he was used to it. He knew the proper procedures, he knew exactly how much touching was necessary and appropriate. As long as he followed his training to the letter it was simply illogical to think he was doing anything wrong. Not that his thoughts were above being illogical, but it seemed they were willing to cooperate today. He internally thanked God for that, as it seemed his earlier punishment may have truly offered him a taste of salvation.

Asakura was waiting for his next appointment, sitting at his desk and idly flipping through paperwork. He was thankful to have had a relatively easy day today, after the hell that was last night. He was still rather sleep-deprived, of course, but he was getting by well enough after drinking two more cups of coffee.

He was writing something down in his paper, when the click of the door opening startled him out of it.
“Dr. Asakura?” the little boy said, standing in the doorway all alone.

“Hayato?” Asakura’s heart leapt in shock, startled to see the boy so suddenly. Startled, because he didn’t have an appointment today, that’s all. He’d seen him yesterday, in fact… at that, Asakura’s mind unwillingly flashed through all the same vulgar, disgusting thoughts that had kept him up all night. Thoughts of Hayato. God, even just seeing him was enough to fuel his perverse desires it seemed. So much for repentance… his mask of false purity had slipped faster than he’d hoped, and he prayed to God that Hayato couldn’t see him as the monster he was. He prayed that the monster wouldn’t get to him.

“…w-what are you doing here?” he asked, after too long a pause. He prayed his voice didn’t tremble too badly. Prayed Hayato couldn’t see the fear in his eyes. Prayed the boy would run away right now so he couldn’t- no, don’t think that, it’s not like you would actually-

“Um, my mom is busy today so… she said you could look after me!” Hayato explained with a shy, too-innocent smile on his face. He looked happy to see him. He had no idea. Nor did his mother, for that matter. What was she thinking, leaving her son alone with him??

Asakura let out a deep breath disguised as a sigh, trying his best not to shake too visibly or start crying. As much as Hayato seeing him as a monster would be bad, seeing him distraught would hardly be better. He had to be calm, gentle, caring. No one could know he was hurting. No one could know anything about him. And he deserved to hurt, anyway. So he’d put on that mask and be that good person again, no matter how fake it was, and he’d face this day with so much kindness he could delude even himself into thinking he wasn’t a monster on the inside.