Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Bit early for a delivery."

Randy Marsh yawned widely as he watched the semi-truck turn onto the farm road.

He didn't bother to load the shotgun he had draped over his arm; it was mostly for show.

"Who's here?"

His wife Sharon sat up in bed, looking mildly concerned.

"Nothing to worry about honey, I'll go handle this."

Randy made sure his robe was secured before walking from the bedroom, passing by his daughter's room.

She was still asleep luckily.

The semi-truck screeched to a stop feet from the porch, bathing it in high intensity light.

Randy watched as a slim man wearing a black suit climbed from the truck, keeping it running.

"What can I do for you?"

Randy asked through the screen door as the man stepped up onto the porch.

"Are you Randy Marsh?"

The question made Randy pause.

Should he really answer?

His hand went to the shotgun, snapping the weapon closed.

"Yeah, I'm Randy Marsh."

The suited stranger actually smiled.

"I thought so, can I pull the truck around back?"

Randy blinked.

"What are you delivering, something from Amazon?"

The suit chuckled.

"You could say that, see you around back mister Marsh."

He stepped off the porch and clambered back in the big rig.

Randy just stared, watching.

Should he call the cops?

Chapter Text

Stan awoke to shouting from outside.

This was a normal occurrence since his dad tended a weed farm and often had to scare off thieves in the night.

Tonight, the shouting sounded different, more like orders.

Stan frowned as he heard the thrum of helicopter blades.

A chopper landing here?

He eased himself from bed and took a swig of gin.

It burned so good on the way down.

He stashed the bottle back under his bed, fully getting up.

More noise from outside, then a gunshot.

Stan froze.

What the Hell?

He walked from the room into the hall, heading for the back door.

It burst open before he reached it and in staggered his dad.

Randy Marsh looked bad with a gunshot wound to the stomach and a bruised right eye.

"Go back to bed Stanley."

Randy managed as he slumped into a chair in the kitchen, he was bleeding all over the floor.

"Dad what happened?"

Stan glanced at the open door, noting several figures moving around outside.

Randy reached over and slapped the door shut.

"Just business son, go back to bed."

He was struggling to stop the flow of blood with a roll of hemp towels.

It was a losing battle.

Chapter Text

"I got the bleeding to stop Sharon, can you help me get the bullet out?"

Randy lay on his back on the kitchen table in his underwear.

Sharon Marsh raised her brow as her husband's bloody midsection and wordlessly went to fetch the pliers.

It wasn't the 1st time Randy had been shot.

Sharon Marsh returned to the kitchen moments later with a propane torch in one hand and pliers in the other.

"Alright let's see how bad it is."

She took a whiff of the wound before removing the towel Randy had wrapped it in.

"Doesn't smell like it ruptured your bowels."

That was a good thing.

She used a clean hemp towel to wipe away the mess around the wound.

"This'll hurt."

The pliers went in.

Randy stifled his scream with a fist in the mouth.

Sharon took a few seconds to get a good grip on the offending slug and extracted it in one smooth motion.

"Not a very large bullet, what'd they use a 38?"

She asked her husband, who was too busy biting down on his hand to respond.

Sharon ignited the propane torch with an ominous whoosh.

"This should seal it up."

She applied the flame.

Randy's screams could be heard from the highway.

Chapter Text

"Stop right there miss Marsh."

The back door to the kitchen was open and a figure clad in black tactical gear wearing a gas mask stood there.

Sharon carefully set the torch aside after shutting it off.

"What's this about?"

She asked, eyeing the 7-inch knife on the counter left over from dinner the other night.

She was pretty good at throwing knives.

The figure crossed the kitchen and jammed an assault rifle in her face.

"Get down on the ground miss Marsh."

This person was definitely military.

Sharon slowly lowered herself to the floor.

Randy was still passed out on the table; it was to be expected.

"Is your son or daughter home miss Marsh?"

The figure asked, producing a set of handcuffs.

Oh no.

Sharon wasn't going that way.

She went for the knife in a roll.

The rifle barked twice.

Missed.

Sharons hand grazed the knife handle.

A boot smashed into her shoulder, throwing her back.

The rifle was dead center with her chest now.

"Don't make this difficult now."

Chapter Text

Sharon winced at the kick and steeled herself.

Shelly was awake and behind the military man with something in her hands.

"Hey Turd!"

Shelly shouted, and the man spun around.

He took a crowbar upside the head and went down in a spasming heap.

Shelly had taken to sleeping with a crowbar under her pillow.

Good thing.

Sharon stepped up and swept the assault rifle away from the seizing man with her foot.

"Get this piece of shit out of my kitchen."

She picked up the rifle as Shelly set her crowbar aside and started dragging military man out by his heels.

Now would be the time to wake up Randy.

Sharon produced a syringe from one of the drawers, uncapped it and slammed it into Randy's thigh.

Randy sat up instantly and screamed.

"Sonofa!"

Sharon nodded and went to go make sure her daughter took the trash out properly.

"You have some explaining to do Raandy."

She called over her shoulder.

Stan was somehow still asleep.

Chapter Text

"String him up in the barn, don't take too long."

Sharon helped Shelly carry the semi-conscious man to the main weed barn.

She dusted off her hands as they dumped him on the floor.

"I have to go ask your father some questions."

Shelly nodded as she fetched a length of rope and proceeded to loop it around the man's wrists several times before making a knot.

She tossed the other end of the rope over a rafter.

The man was regaining his wits and grabbed Shelly's wrist.

"S-stop."

He muttered as Shelly brushed off his hand and quickly tightened up the rope, forcing both the man's arms over his head.

"You don't know what you're doing kid..."

The man spat as he struggled against his bonds.

No use, Shelly was good with ropes.

Shelly tied the rope off to one of the tractors, a good ton of machinery that their newest friend wouldn't hope to budge.

"See you later Turd."

She spit on the man as she headed back to the house.

Chapter Text

"..."

Agent Brad Proper struggled against the rope binding his arms above his head.

He'd come to this farm to arrest Randy Marsh, and things had gone horribly wrong.

He expected he'd suffered a concussion from the sneak attack earlier, getting out of here was the only option.

He still had his knife and pistol strapped to his hip, not that he could reach them.

A few minutes of struggling proved useless.

The woman from before came back into the barn.

"You come here to assault my family?"

Sharon Marsh asked as she casually took the agents pistol from its holster.

Brad stayed silent.

Sharon flipped the safety off the gun and placed it to Brad's leg.

"Talk or I blow out your kneecaps."

Brad managed 4 words.

"You go to Hell."

Sharon squeezed the trigger.

Chapter Text

"Stan, go check on our guest in the barn."

Randy looked up from his morning paper as his teenaged son shuffled past.

"On it dad."

Nobody really knew why Stan liked hurting people.

He just did.

A lot.

Stan snagged a pair of scissors from the counter as he passed.

These would come in handy.

He started whistling as he neared the barn door.

A few thumps on the wall to alert their current guest.

Mom was done with her questioning.

2 9mm slugs later.

Stan poked his head into the room, eyeing the form swaying in the center of the room by its wrists.

"Hello Sir!"

He started, coming into barn fully, the strung-up man didn't move.

Had he bled to death already?

Stan surveyed the blood pool beneath the body.

Not nearly enough.

This guy was giving them the silent treatment.

Stan clicked the scissors.

Time to cut.

Chapter Text

"Alright...I'll talk."

After 3 hours of slicing, Stan had made some headway.

He set down his bloody scissors and took off his welder's mask.

"Very good."

He headed back into the house.

He had to get showered and ready for school.

Even thought he was several hours late, not showing up would look weird.

Agent Brad Proper opened his eyes.

The kid had basically skinned his entire upper half, he was fairly certain he should bleed out soon.

His hands slipped through the knots, and he tumbled to the dusty barn floor.

"Fuck me..."

He groaned as he forced himself to start crawling.

Leaving a blood trail like a giant slug.

A boot appeared in his vision; he looked up to see Randy Marsh.

"You aren't going anywhere pal."

Brad forced his body to collapse.

"Come on, I told your son I'd talk..."

Randy lifted a curved hay hook dangling by a rusty chain.

"That was the deal you made with him, he's gone now."

Chapter Text

"You may be asking yourself this question, why am I alive?"

Randy eyed the table in front of him where multiple tools were laid out.

He picked up a framing hammer and flipped it back and forth between his hands.

"I've never made crab food before, but they tell me there's a special ingredient."

Agent Brad Proper flopped on the floor, a pained moan escaping his ruined mouth.

Randy turned around and brought the hammer down.

On Agent Proper's shoulder.

Bone shattered under the hammers force.

Proper didn't even have the energy to thrash about like he'd been doing hours before.

He was bleeding to death.

Finally.

Randy tossed the hammer aside.

He picked up a power drill.

"Crabs like their food basted in pain."

Randy's boot came down on Proper's leg.

"You'll find that I am kind."

The drill whirred to life.

Chapter Text

-Stay tuned-
-Crab Hijinks incoming. -

Chapter Text

"Randy I'm ok with killing people, but this...?"

Sharon Marsh gestured to the crate on the floor of the barn.

Randy looked up from where he was affixing a shackle to the floor.

"Sharon, we have to do this, for the greater good."

Stan rushed into the barn.

"Cops are coming..."

He'd run all the way from school and was out of breath.

Sharon cocked her head.

"They don't have any reason to be here."

She muttered, looking to her son.

"How many?"

Stan looked her dead in the eyes.

"Two, I stabbed Eric Cartman."

Randy swore.

"What'd you go and do that for?!"

Randy stood up, looking over at the corpse of Brad Proper on some pallets.

"If it's just two, we can bluff our way out of this."

Sharon took control of the situation.

"We just keep them at the house and away from the barn."

She glanced to Stan.

"Go to your room."

Randy was pacing the floor.

"We can take em' Sharon, the rewards might be better."

Sharon rolled her eyes as she grabbed her husband's wrist.

"Just stay in here with the hippo Randy, I'll come get you when we're done."

Chapter Text

Officer Barbrady glanced to his partner as they pulled up to the house.

"Be careful, these folks tend to get squirrely."

He exited the patrol car with a hand on his service revolver, keeping an eye on the screened in porch.

Officer Jarvis got out much slower because he was massively overweight.

Sharon Marsh opened the door slowly and stepped out.

"What can I do for you fine gentlemen today?"

Her smile was fake.

Barbrady unsnapped the clasp on his holster.

"Is your son home miss Marsh?"

He noticed something moving around the corner of the house.

"Jar-!"

That was all he got out as Shelly Marsh came charging across the lawn with a pitchfork.

Sharon kept Barbrady from drawing his weapon by whipping a kitchen knife into his throat.

Barbrady dropped to his knees as Jarvis was speared through the chest.

"Damn It Shelly, This Is A Clusterfuck!"

Sharon snagged Barbrady's revolver as the man tried in vain to crawl backwards.

"Sorry officer."

The gun barked twice.

Barbrady stopped moving.

Shelly wrenched the pitchfork free of the obese cop's chest and hollered back into the house.

"Get Out Here Turd!"

Sharon shook her head in disgust as she watched the fat cop try to pull his own gun.

Another two shots to center mass stopped him.

No sign of Stan.

"Stanley get out here and help us with this mess!"

Shelly grumbled as she kicked the prone corpse at her feet.

"His fault they're here anyway."

Sharon had to agree with her daughter for once.

Chapter Text

Two missing police officers.

Eric Cartman stabbed.

A popular hippo stolen from the zoo.

What did all these things have in common?

That was the turmoil Mysterion was under as he stared off into the darkness of the city.

There was something foul afoot.

He just couldn't put his finger on it.

"Hey asshole!"

Mysterion spun around to see his rotund nemesis.

The Coon.

"What do you want Coon?"

Mysterion noticed that his adversary was favoring his right side.

"I just want to tell you who stabbed Eric Cartman."

The Coon locked eyes with Mysterion.

"My sources say it was Stan Marsh."

Mysterion winced as several smoke bombs went off between them, enveloping him in a purple haze.

Stan?

He pretended not to notice as The Coon shuffled off the roof via the fire escape.

This was perplexing information indeed.

Chapter Text

-Mysterion Madness Incoming.-

Chapter Text

The heavy smell of weed hung in the air as Mysterion crept down the road.

He stopped by a tractor and scanned the area.

It was pitch dark at the Marsh farm.

He couldn't see dick.

He estimated that Stan's room was on the second floor of the house, having never been here before.

A quick check of his inventory revealed a rusty ole grappling hook, perfect for scaling walls.

There was also no sound at all, not even crickets.

Weird.

Mysterion dropped to the ground and started to crawl.

He made it to the side of the house and waited, listening for anything.

The old farmhouse gave no indication anything was amiss.

The grappling hook was flung up and dug into the second story windowsill.

Mysterion tugged on the rope to make sure it was secure.

A cold shotgun barrel pressed against his spine.

"What the Hell are you doing here?"

It was Stan, and he looked tweaked.

Kenny raised both his hands to show he was unarmed.

"I'm here to talk to you Stan."

He started trying to turn around, but the gun barrel poked him harder in the back.

"Don't move!"

Kenny moved.

Chapter Text

"Stan, drop the gun, we can talk."

Mysterion managed to spin around and found the impossibly wide shotgun barrels leveled at his chest area.

Stan twitched and his finger tightened on the trigger.

"Come on, put it down."

Kenny locked eyes with his old friend.

Stan squeezed the trigger.

An explosion of sound.

Kenny went sailing backwards, a smoking hole where his right lung used to be.

Stan finally dropped the gun.

"Oh shit."

He was stunned.

He'd just shot his friend.

Chapter Text

"Stan you can't just keep killing people."

Sharon sat at the kitchen table in the dead of night with a cup of coffee.

She eyed her son as he stumbled in, a shotgun in one hand.

"I know mom, but I can't stop."

Sharon's eyes widened slightly as the weapon was pointed her way.

"Stan-don't."

Sharon stood, not moving too fast.

Stan tracked her movement with the gun.

Randy appeared over Stan's shoulder.

"Son."

Stan spun.

Randy was faster, kicking him square in the testicles.

Stan crumpled like a wet paper sack.

Randy put a foot on his sons back as Sharon came over and retrieved the gun.

"Good save Randy, we have a body to bury outside."

Randy eyed his son on the floor.

"You sure you don't need help with him?"

Sharon just nodded.

"I can handle it."

Chapter Text

"They have arrived."

Randy stood like a statue in the barn beside a glowing hole in the floor.

It was roughly the size of a small car and went straight down.

Possibly to Hell?

Randy shifted slightly as a massive red claw emerged from the hole.

It was attached to one of their new Overlords.

Crab People.

They were the best, or so they said.

Randy stood his ground as dozens of these crab people flooded from the hole into the barn.

He went over to the door and eased it open.

"Sharon, I have to go."

He told his wife, pulling a revolver from his coat pocket.

"Randy, you don't have to."

Sharon grabbed her husband's arm.

"We can still fix this."

It was too late; Randy wedged the muzzle of the revolver under his chin.

"Goodbye."

A thunderous gunshot.

Sharon stifled a scream.

Chapter Text

"Looks clear from up here."

The drone buzzed over the farmhouse and banked around the big red barn.

"That's not good enough, I need body counts."

The drone pilot shook his head as he maneuvered the little spy machine to hover in front of the open barn doors.

"Nothing in here cept' a big hole."

The military commander resisted the urge to sock the pilot in the face.

"We can see that, please move on."

The drone zipped over to the open door of the house, diving inside.

"Nobody's home, there is nothing here."

Drone pilot Alan Boggs took his eyes off the screen for a moment.

Everything went black.

"What The Fuck!?"

Alan smashed his sweaty fists on the keyboard.

"Drone lost."

He grumbled as he mashed buttons in a vain attempt to get something working.

"Fine, we'll hit the place in ten."

Military Commander Ron Knights extracted his pistol from its holster.

"I'll lead."

Chapter Text

"We ready?"

The armored van screeched to a stop just outside the fence of Tegridy Farms.

Both rear doors swung open to allow 6 highly trained operators to exit into the night.

These men were the best of the best, having come all the way from Toronto to respond to this calamity.

Each wore armored fatigues in a blue camouflage pattern and carried identical assault rifles chambered in the popular 5.56mm.

Ron Knights adjusted his baclava and checked his pistol in the gloom.

Ready to rock.

He looked to his point man, a beast of a human carrying a Lexan riot shield.

"Go for broke."

Ron assumed 2nd position as his train of pain weaved its way to the wide-open front door of the house.

"I have no contacts."

Shield-bearer Tom Crow frowned slightly, normally they would be getting shot at by now.

Tom's super bright flashlights attached to the shield illuminated the simple kitchen as they stomped into the building.

"Body here."

He pointed to the middle-aged corpse on the floor with his free hand, looked like he'd offed himself.

Something moved in the living room.

"Contact!"

Gunfire pierced the night.

Followed by screaming.

Lots of screaming.

Chapter Text

"Ugh Fuck!"

Ron Knights slipped in a spreading pool of blood and slapped another magazine into his pistol.

Everyone else was dead, torn to pieces by the crab-things that had come flooding into the house.

Richards had got it the worst, two of them had played tug of war with his body, and his guts were everywhere.

Conventional arms failed to penetrate the crab's carapace, and their razor-sharp claws had no trouble at all lopping off limbs.

Ron was bleeding severely from a gut wound inflicted by one of his own men, who'd fired in a panic.

It was all over now.

The crab-people had filed silently out of the house after the shooting stopped.

Ron stumbled for the rear door, catching himself before he collapsed.

"Come On Damn It..."

He cursed his semi-useless legs as he ditched his gun altogether and yanked himself out into the night with his arms.

A massive red claw appeared from behind him and clamped onto his skull.

Ron's ballistic helmet shattered like an egg along with his skull.

The body was yanked back into the shadows.

The armored van exploded shortly after; the driver having pulled the pin on his own grenade after seeing the crabs in person.

Mission failed.

Chapter Text

"Get the damn door closed!"

Kenny's father shouted from the living room as he fumbled to reload a smoking shotgun.

The door snapped closed and was latched shut.

"Those things are everywhere!"

Kenny's mother shouted as she fished her pistol out from beneath the couch cushions.

"Can we get to the truck?"

Kenny's dad craned his head to look out the window, noticing that all 4 tires on his ride had been slashed.

"Shit!"

He swore as the window shattered and one of those crab things tried crawling through.

Kenny's mother dealt with this, delivering two 357. rounds that over-penetrated the creature's carapace and blew out the back of its head.

It slumped back out the window in death.

Kenny himself was facing a battle of his own.

One of the crab monsters had busted through the wall of his room and was trying to murder him.

Not exactly the thing he had expected upon resurrecting after Stan murdered him.

"Get Lost!"

He flung a trio of smoke bombs at the beast, filling his cramped room with purple haze.

A claw the size of a dinner plate scythed through the smoke and almost took Kenny's head off.

Kenny realized he was outmatched and rolled from the room into the hall.

"We've got to get out of here."

Chapter Text

"Mom, are you alright?"

Eric Cartman looked down the stairs and fingered the flare gun he'd kept hidden in his room.

"Yes dear, there are these strange creatures outside, I think they're trying to get inside."

Eric's mom staggered into view, a large rent in her side.

She had lost a lot of blood.

"I locked the door, but I can't get through to the police."

Eric forced himself off the landing down the stairs.

"Mom, I think we need to get to the car."

A crash interrupted him.

The living room window had shattered.

"That sounds like a great idea poopsie-kins."

Eric frowned at the nickname but focused on the task at hand.

"Mom get your gun and meet me in the garage."

Eric regretted leaving his mother alone in her present state, but the car was their top priority.

He watched his mother nod and head up the stairs, before he himself headed for the garage door.

Popping open the door revealed their van sitting there in all its glory.

None of the monsters had broken into the garage yet.

Eric carefully crept to the driver's side and eased the door open.

He'd have to back straight through the garage door, opening it would be stupid.

"Mom, hurry up!"

Something crashed inside the house.

Eric swore as he marched back to the living room.

One of those things was inside!

It looked like some kind of giant crab?

Eric raised the flare gun and fired.

"Eat This!"

The flare lit up the room as it whizzed straight past the crab's head.

"Monkey Balls!"

Chapter Text

"Get away from him, you bitch."

Eric's mother emerged onto the landing toting the most insane weapon Eric had ever seen.

"Cover your ears sweetie."

She advised as she leveled the barrel of her 30mm sniper rifle shortened for personal use and compensated so one person could safely fire it.

The crab-monster shrieked in some language as Eric's mom fired.

All the glass that was remaining in the windows shattered from the concussion of the weapon discharging.

Eric let out a shriek that was most unmanly as he saw what one shot had done to the crab-thing.

It had literally been blown in half at the waist.

Dead eyes regarded the pair as the body fell over.

"You drive sweetheart, I'll handle the rest."

Liane Cartman stumbled down the stairs with her weapon threatening to dump her the entire time.

Even though he'd covered his ears, all Eric could hear was a dull roar.

"Damn It Mom!"

He headed for the garage to start the van.

Chapter Text

Kyle Broflovski was in a bad situation.

Trapped in the restroom of an Arby's during a freaking crab invasion.

He had just gone in to take a leak, but then realized the door wouldn't open.

Kicking it several times did nothing, neither did shouting for his parents.

Arby's restrooms were apparently soundproofed.

Weird.

He stabbed out a text to his brother Ike, who had been chowing down on a Gobbler burger.

Ike responded that there were these weird crab monsters everywhere and they were leaving.

Kyle swore.

He didn't want to have to do this.

It wasn't even close to a full moon.

Kyle casually took off all his clothes and stood naked before the mirror.

"Transform."

It helped if he said it to get things started.

His old human skin literally exploded off in a gory mess as a rampaging Werewolf pushed out of it.

Bingo.

Werewolf-Kyle gave the jammed door a shove.

It shrieked open.

Free at last.

Chapter Text

"Those things just tore that man apart, don't go out there."

Officer Gretch Wilkip looked to the front doors of the Arby's, where they had stacked tables and chairs to block those monsters from outside from getting in.

He'd tried radioing for help, but there was no answer, just static.

That was bad.

He had his service weapon drawn and had shot one of the creatures that looked like a giant crab in the face.

Multiple times.

It took 4 rounds to fully stop it.

Now he was stuck in here with the staff and various customers, who seemed stunned.

"Officer, can you get us out of here?"

A young Canadian boy asked.

Gretch looked over as the window behind the boy suddenly shattered.

He was yanked out into the darkness with a scream.

"Oh shit."

Gretch headed for the gaping hole in their defenses, keeping his gun raised.

"Everyone to the middle of the room!, NOW!"

Chapter Text

"Red sleight down."

Santa lay atop the wreckage of his sleight; little fires had sprung up all around the crash site for some reason.

All the reindeer were dead, he was fairly sure of that.

Crab monsters were currently dragging the bodies off.

Santa spit blood as one of the crab beasts approached him.

"Santa has a broken leg, would you help me?"

Santa asked, not really expecting much.

The crab shrieked and drove one of its claws for Santa's chest.

Kris Kringle was not helpless and one of his hands stopped the claw with ease.

"That's not very Christmassy at all."

He regarded the dumb animal for a moment, before pulling a sawn-off shotgun and blasting it.

This brought the attention of all the others onto him.

"Oh Jingle Bells."

Santa vanished beneath a red tide.

His trademark red hat fluttered in the wind before falling to the snow.

Silence.

Chapter Text

Werewolf Kyle burst out of the bathroom into the Arby's lobby.

He slipped on a pool of blood from a deceased police officer, who looked to be missing his head.

Kyle steadied himself and scanned the room.

Nobody was in here.

Nobody alive at any rate.

Not good.

Where was his family?

None of the bodies inside the building were his mom, dad or brother.

He let out a howl.

Movement from the kitchen caught his eyes.

It was a massive crab.

Kyle growled as it shuffled forwards.

Normal creatures would run from him; this creature was far from normal.

Kyle slashed the air with his paws as a signal for the crab to stay away.

The crab shrieked and shuffled towards him faster.

Apparently, it had a death wish.

350 pounds of werewolf launched across the room to slam into the crab.

"Rarrrg!"

Kyle snarled as he clamped his jaws onto one of the crab's pincer arms.

The other pincer lanced up and snipped off one of Kyles rear feet.

Clean off, like it had been done surgically.

Kyle roared.

Chapter Text

Kyle stumbled backwards on his one remaining paw.

The crab's claws clicked menacingly.

Kyle reached out with a hand the size of a canned ham.

He found purchase on the crab-things throat.

A terrible wail erupted from the crab as Kyle wrenched.

Blood sprayed from the crabs mangled throat.

It remained upright for a few seconds, before collapsing.

Kyle dropped the ragged hunk of flesh and slipped on his own blood.

His head cracked off a table and broke it clean in half.

Dazed, the werewolf began crawling for the exit.

He would make it out of here, however he was unsure if his foot would ever grow back.

He ran into something at the doorway.

Another crab!

This one drove a claw straight into his back.

Kyle shrieked in agony as the crab lifted him bodily off the floor.

He saw stars as he was swept through the air and collided with the Arby's main counter.

Tumbling down behind the low wall, he was partially protected as the crab surged forwards.

A clawed hand fumbled for something to defend himself with and found a basket full of greasy fries.

The fries were flung into the crab's face.

Oil sizzled as Kyle forced himself to stand.

A lycanthrope was normally a terrifying sight.

This crab didn't seem to care.

It bullied forwards, atop the counter.

Kyle gave it a solid whack upside the head with the hot fry basket.

No effect.

A claw snipped off his left ear.

Kyle reeled backwards into the kitchen area.

Chapter Text

"Come on you bastard."

Kyle growled as he scanned the messy kitchen for anything to use as a weapon against the approaching crab monster.

Ah-ha!

He spotted a bread knife and snatched it up.

A werewolf with a knife was way more dangerous.

The crab snapped its claws in agitation, glancing from side to side.

It stayed where it was, unsure if it should surge forwards or not.

Kyle glanced down at his missing foot, noting that it had finally ceased bleeding.

That was a good thing.

His distraction cost him.

The crab lurched at him with a sudden burst of speed.

Kyle went down under the crab as it tried taking his head off with both claws.

The bread knife slammed into the crab's side like a hammer, snapping off due to its armored body.

Kyle had one hand on the crab's chest to hold it back, he released the useless knife.

A claw snapped onto his upper arm, cutting deep.

Kyle screamed.

Bones cracked.

A sudden explosion took the right half of the crab's head off.

Kyle stopped screaming as the creature slid sideways.

"Yeah, he's in here."

Eric Cartman lowered his pistol as he stepped through the rear door of the Arby's.

"Get your hairy ass up Kyle."

Chapter Text

"Yes Kyle, I know you're a werewolf, get over it."

Eric sneered as he scanned the kitchen for any more threats to their existence.

Werewolf Kyle just stared as he managed to get his legs under himself and rise.

"These things are attracted by sound, so that gunshot should bring them running."

Eric jerked at a sudden noise.

"Come on, Mom has the car waiting out back."

Eric extended a gloved hand towards Kyle.

A crab burst through the wall like the god-damned Kool-Aid man!

Eric spun on heel.

Kyle was faster, tackling the crab back out of the building into the pouring rain.

"Aw shit."

Eric groaned as werewolf and crab grappled outside in a pile of debris, Kyle raking his claws across the crab's carapace in an attempt to disembowel it.

"Come on Honey, we have to get going."

Liane Cartman emerged from the van with her own pistol in hand.

"Hang on mom, I have to deal with some shit."

Eric stomped over to the wrestling pair and put a round between the crab's dumb eyes.

It stopped fighting and Kyle was free to stand up once more.

"There, now come on."

Eric's hand tugged on Kyles remaining ear.

"Get a move on asshole."

Chapter Text

"Get in the van, be quick about it."

Eric covered Kyle as the injured werewolf stumbled into the vehicle, Eric slammed the sliding door shut behind him.

"Mom, you know where the cemetery is?"

Eric asked his mother as he climbed into the passenger seat.

"Yes dear."

Liane nodded and shifted the van into drive, putting her foot on the accelerator.

"Get us there."

Eric glanced back to see the werewolf was in rough shape.

"Jews don't know how to fight, I knew it."

Eric snapped his fingers by the wolfs muzzle.

"Stay awake Kyle, I might need your help."

Kyle jerked and eyed Eric.

He considered biting him.

It was very tempting.

Eric smacked his snout with the back of his hand.

"Turn back Kyle, or I'll shoot you."

Eric waggled the pistol in his other hand.

Liane swerved the van hard.

"Roadblock."

She announced.

Eric looked to the road ahead.

Shit.

Multiple cars had been turned over and most of the pavement was on fire.

The van slowed to a stop.

"Is there a way around?"

Eric asked, glancing sidelong into the darkness.

"I think so sweetie."

Liane wrestled the van into a tight turn.

Eric politely turned his head away as Kyle transformed back into a naked bloodied little boy.

"Here."

He grudgingly removed his jacket and handed it to the redhead.

Kyle wrapped himself in the jacket, nodding wearily to Eric.

"Thank you."

Chapter Text

"We're here."

Brakes squealed as the van jittered to a stop outside the iron gates of South Park Cemetary.

Eric actually had a smile on his face as he opened the door.

"Ah the sweet smell of death, I'll never get used to it."

Kyle cautiously climbed out after him.

"What's the plan here?"

He asked, knowing Cartman had something insane up his sleeve.

"Well Kyle, my plan is to raise the dead to fight these crabs."

Eric pulled a tattered book from under the van seat, popping his wizard hat atop his head.

"That's dumb, but we'll go with it."

Kyle just nodded as Liane came around the van with her huge rifle.

"Go with Eric dear, I'll keep watch."

She nodded to her son as he set off into the graveyard proper.

Even missing a foot Kyle was able to keep up, stumbling slightly over the uneven ground.

"Have you ever done something like this before?"

Cartman stopped at a particularly large gravestone, a gargoyle of some sort.

"Yeah, but on a smaller scale."

Eric had popped open the book and was scanning it intently.

"Remind me never to piss you off."

Kyle sat down, drawing Eric's jacket around himself.

The wind started to howl.

Lightning flashed.

It seemed a storm had dropped onto the cemetery.

Most likely Eric's doing.

"We've Got Company!"

Liane shouted as she sighted down the scope and fired.

A thunderclap.

"Company Down!"

Chapter Text

"Anything gets within this salt circle, you murder it."

Eric handed Kyle the matte black pistol from his pocket.

Kyle handled the weapon like it might bite him.

"Dude, I've never used a gun before."

Eric raised a brow.

"Just point it at whatever you want to die and squeeze the trigger."

He explained as he clambered up on the gargoyle headstone.

"I'm going to start the incantation now."

It started to pour down rain.

Like a torrential downpour.

Kyle lost sight of Eric even.

He raised the gun and waited.

Eric's mom waded through the sheets of rain and leaned against the gargoyle.

"I'll help you out dear, just follow my lead."

She managed as the ground beneath their feet rumbled.

Eric's chanting reached a fevered pitch.

"This is the good part."

Liane smiled, seeing something red coming at them.

"Monster, 10 o-clock."

She raised her rifle, but Kyle beat her to it.

The pistol barked three times.

All misses.

"Well..."

Liane shrugged as she brought her weapon to bear.

Another explosion of noise.

The crab collapsed.

Long before reaching them.

"..."

Kyle just stared.

Eric stopped chanting.

"It is done."

Nothing appeared to be happening.

Eric frowned ever so slightly.

"Takes them a bit to burst through the coffins."

He reasoned, hopping off the gargoyle.

Kyle sneezed.

Chapter Text

"I think it's working honey."

Liane Cartman held her gun a bit tighter as skeletal hands started bursting up from the soaked earth.

South Park cemetery had a robust population of roughly 600 souls.

Roughly 400 of those had the ability to drag themselves out of the ground.

A small army.

Eric cackled as he watched the dead rise and wait for his command.

Kyle just stared, too shocked to speak.

"Fight the crabs, fight until you drop."

Eric called out as the various corpses started shuffling off to do his bidding.

One crab experienced the power of the undead firsthand.

It managed to lop the arm off one zombie but found itself surrounded and dragged down.

Zombies feasted on juicy crab eyeballs as they tore at its armored carapace to get the flesh beneath.

"Let's get out of here."

Eric started swaggering back to the van, offering a hand to Kyle.

"Pet Cemetary's next, you won't want to miss it."

Eric sounded overjoyed.

Kyle accepted the hand and followed Eric.

Walking through the dead without a care in the world, none of them seemed to notice them.

Liane brought up the rear, kind of creeped out by how effective the zombies were.

"Mom, can I drive?"

Eric asked, turning once they'd reached the van.

Kyle paled.

Chapter Text

"Keep both hands on the wheel sweetie."

Liane had let her son drive before, but never during a full-scale crab monster invasion.

At night.

Eric hadn't even bothered to turn on the headlights.

Kyle watched nervously from the rear.

"Don't you think you should slow down?"

He asked, watching as Eric blew through a stop sign.

"Nah, we're fine."

Eric blinked and kept his foot on the gas.

"How can you even see out there fatass?"

Eric glanced up into the rearview mirror.

"Necromancers can see just fine in the dark Kyle."

Eric had taken his eyes off the road for one pivotal moment.

That was all it took for tragedy to strike.

A random tree had fallen across the road, and it was too late to slam on the brakes.

They hit the tree doing 80.

The van didn't make it over the obstacle and stalled out right there with a thunderous crash.

Eric not being buckled in crashed through the windshield.

He went skidding across the pavement like so much trash.

Liane had been buckled in and was spared her son's fate.

Kyle had buckled up as well and was similarly ok.

Eric tumbled into a drainage ditch on the roadside where he lay motionless.

Facedown and seemingly not breathing.

Chapter Text

Eric Cartman was in Hell.

A small room with red walls, celling and floor.

There was a single white door to the room and nothing else.

Eric scoffed and looked down at his body.

Everything looked ok.

The door clicked open.

"Ah Eric, the one soul I'd come here myself to collect."

The Prince of Darkness himself squeezed through the tiny doorway and stood before him.

"So, I'm dead huh?"

Eric tried his best not to swear.

"Yeah, looks like it bud."

Satan took a seat on the one chair that materialized instantly when he went to sit down.

"Can you send me back?"

Eric locked eyes with The Devil.

Satan looked away 1st.

"I can, for a price."

Beelzebub crosses one hooved leg over the other.

Eric thought about it for a moment.

"Sure, name it."

Satan smiled, actually leered.

"Hold onto your butt, this'll hurt."

Eric went sailing upwards and crashed through the ceiling.

"You Blaaack Asshole!"

Cartman cried as he was sucked back up through Hell to rejoin his mortal body.

Chapter Text

Pain.

Tremendous crippling pain.

Eric opened his eyes.

He forced himself to sit up with a groan.

"Damn you Satan."

There was a bit of red light in his eyes, probably an aftereffect of being in Hell.

Nothing to worry about.

He checked himself over for any injuries and found any wounds miraculously healed.

At the very least he expected some cuts and scrapes.

Eric hauled himself from the ditch, staggering back over to where the van sat.

His mom looked to be alright, just knocked out.

He slapped Kyle a few times to no real effect, out cold too?

The van was a write off.

Movement from the roadside made him turn.

A crab was heading his way, snapping its claws.

"Ah piss."

Eric fumbled with numb hands to get his pistol into action.

He got it aimed just as the crab reached him.

"KA-BLAM!"

The handgun exploded, shredding his hand to bloody ribbons.

Eric stared in disbelief as the pain took hold.

"Motherfucker!"

Chapter Text

Whilst her son was staring in disbelief at the ruins of his hand, Liane Cartman had extricated herself from the crashed vehicle.

Her heavy ass rifle took brief aim at the crab heading for Eric.

With zero time to shout a warning, Liane fired.

The recoil knocked her back a step, but the crab's skull ceased to be in existence.

Eric stared at her over the crumpled van hood.

"Thanks ma."

He toppled backwards and was out cold on the ground.

Liane headed over and looked down at her son.

The damage to his hand was severe, intense even.

Chopping it completely off would be a mercy at this point.

She scanned the area for a few moments.

Not a filthy crab in sight.

Her heavy rifle was set on the ground.

Kyle groaned from the van, opening his eyes.

"Are...we alive?"

He croaked out, looking to miss Cartman.

"Yeah."

Liane gave Kyle a thumbs up.

Kyle wearily unsnapped his belt and stumbled from the wreckage.

"Ouch."

Kyle remarked upon seeing the ruins of Eric's hand.

"That's gonna' get infected."

Liane frowned slightly.

"I don't think so, Necromancers are different."

She pointed.

Eric's blood was slowly seeping back into his body instead of pooling.

Creepy.

Chapter Text

"Gosh darn crab monsters ruined my cloak."

Butters Stotch stared down at the raggedy remains of his once magnificent purple cloak.

He'd managed to beat two of them to death with his hammer before they could get inside the house.

More were coming.

His parents had driven off without him.

Great parents they were.

Butters slammed the front door and made sure it was locked.

It was time for Chaos

Lightning cracked across the sky.

It started to rain.

Butters trooped upstairs to his closet and carefully put on his outfit.

The Crown of Chaos was slightly crumpled, but it would do.

A crashing noise from downstairs.

The crab monsters were inside.

Professor Chaos spun his bloodied hammer.

"Let us greet our guests."

Hands crackling with electricity, Chaos hovered from his room to the hallway.

One crab was heading up the stairs whilst another was tearing up the sofa.

Dumb animals.

Chaos met the one on the stairs with a ball of lightning.

It lost its balance and crashed down to the carpet, twitching.

Chaos carefully floated down the steps.

Without the cloak, he didn't look nearly as cool.

Chapter Text

"We have a survivor here!"

Swat Commander Kilk Madaar edged up onto the lawn of the partially destroyed house with his submachinegun raised.

The person he was referring to was like 8 feet tall and wearing some kind of blue jumpsuit.

Also, he appeared to be levitating a good foot off the ground.

Kilk stopped and angled his gun at the floating stranger.

"Hands Up!"

He shouted, flicking the safety off his weapon.

There came a crackling noise.

Kilk dropped straight backwards, his entire body seizing violently.

Professor Chaos reached down and snatched the weapon up.

Gunfire rang out from the rest of Kilk's squad.

3 on 1 gunfight wasn't very fair.

However, all the bullets seemed to be missing the floating giant.

Very weird.

The giant snapped out shots from the undersized weapon he held, taking careful aim until it clicked on empty.

Squad down.

"Behold Chaos!"

Lightning flashed.

Chapter Text

"Stop Right There!"

Call-Girl brandished her selfie sticks like a cross to ward off a vampire.

The tall figure of Professor Chaos narrowed his sky-blue eyes.

"Get out of the way meddling hero."

He waved an arm, and an arc of electricity crackled in the air between them.

A clear warning to stay back.

Call-Girl frowned and charged.

"BZAAAP!"

She found herself in a tall tree clear across the street, both selfie sticks bent into uselessness.

She let go of both sticks, winching at the pain radiating into her arms and tumbled from the tree.

It was a good 20-foot fall.

A bush took the brunt of the damage, and she rolled out onto the street.

Chaos was busy on his cell phone.

Bluntly ignoring her.

Chapter Text

The black van skidded to a stop between Chaos and Call-Girl.

Chaos tilted his head slightly as the doors were flung open.

Bullets whizzed past his head.

He just stood there as the black-masked figures piled from the van.

6 in total, each toting a stubby black submachinegun.

Call-Girl started edging backwards.

This was so screwed up it wasn't even funny.

One of the figures stomped over and grabbed Call-Girl by the shoulder.

"Nobody leaves."

Chaos regarded the strangers for a moment, before lifting his right arm slightly.

Every single magazine in every single submachinegun fell out.

"Hn."

There was a mad scramble to reload.

Chaos vanished in a cloud of smoke.

Call-Girl kicked her grabber in the shin and rolled for the thick brush.

She made it just as the shooting started.

Chapter Text

Kyle had seen Professor Chaos once before.

In a fierce battle for the fate of the universe.

All over a stick.

He applied the brakes of their borrowed car and stopped smoothly.

"We have a problem."

He informed Liane, who was stern-faced in the passenger seat.

"I'll handle it."

Liane exited the car with her humongous rifle.

Chaos finally directed his attention to them, stepping on a black-masked man with all of his 400 pounds.

"Get out of our way."

Liane pointed the rifle, which indeed looked very threatening.

30mm rounds could shred modern tank armor like tissue paper.

Chaos started levitating off the ground.

Liane gritted her teeth and fired.

The depleted uranium round hit Chaos full in the chest.

It bounced off.

Chaos swayed backwards slightly.

"That it?"

He asked, raising his right arm ever so slightly.

The heavy rifle sprang from Lianes grasp and glided neatly into the oversized mitts of Chaos.

"My turn."

Chapter Text

"Don't shoot my mom Chaos."

Eric levered himself from the car, his hand swaddled in an old shirt.

Luckily the bleeding had stopped.

Chaos actually dropped the rifle.

"Hello Eric."

He crossed muscled arms across his chest as he levitated before them.

Cartman did not look impressed.

"This recent crab invasion have something to do with you Chaos?"

Eric brought up his good hand, inky blackness crawling up his arm.

Like an infection out of control.

Chaos actually looked nervous.

"No, this wasn't me."

He settled down back to the street, unfolding his arms.

"You care to help us here Victor?"

Eric clenched his fist.

Chaos regarded them for a long moment.

"Fighting you will be difficult, I will assist."

Eric lowered his arm.

What the hell had that been?

Cartman could frighten super-humans?

Kyle remained at the wheel of the car.

Just watching.

Chapter Text

"These crabs sure are a menace."

Chaos floated over to one of the dumb beasts that was lumbering towards them.

FWOOSH!

A jet of flame engulfed the creature.

It seemed to be screaming.

Eric looked away.

"Very nice Victor."

He was directing a pair of zombies to take down another crab.

Eric's mom was watching his back with her reclaimed rifle.

She targeted one crab that was a way off and fired.

Eric went momentarily deaf.

The entire upper half of the crab exploded.

Kyle was still sitting in the car, just observing.

Werewolves weren't much use against these things.

He was more of a liability in this kind of fight.

Chapter Text

He noticed that Kyle looked bored out of his mind.

He noticed that there wasn't a whole lot for the werewolf to do in this situation.

Eric pretended to stumble and lose control of the zombies that were holding back a crab.

"Help!"

He cried out as he went down on his back.

His mother was reloading her gun and Chaos was too far up the street to assist.

The crab's dangerous pincers snapped inches from Eric's face.

Kyle burst from the car, wearing only Eric's old jacket and socked the crab in the face.

The crab stumbled; Eric managed to sit up.

"Thank you Kyle."

Did Eric just say that?

Kyle dodged a swing by the crab and eased back as zombies surged in to mob it again.

Eric's mom limped over to the pair.

"Everything alright over here?"

Kyle shook out his busted hand.

"Just broke a couple fingers miss Cartman, its nothing."

Chapter Text

Eric paused in his unwavering control of the dead.

Someone was driving towards them.

A familiar-looking green and blue van.

"You've got to be shitting me dood."

Kyle pointed.

It was The Mystery Machine.

Eric looked to his mother, who was chatting with Chaos about how to bake cookies of all things.

"Are you two seeing this?"

He asked as the Mystery Machine coasted to a stop.

The driver's side window rolled down and a huge cloud of smoke rolled out.

Eric resisted the urge to cough.

The van was empty.

What in the FUCK?!

Kyle approached the still running vehicle and placed a hand on its side.

"Feels real to me."

Chapter Text

"Don't touch it."

Eric warned Kyle as he approached the idling van cautiously.

Chaos floated over from where he'd utterly fried a crab person.

"Want me to blow it up?"

He asked Eric, as if he needed permission.

"Hold off."

Eric touched the grill of the van, thus confirming it was real.

He seemed to concentrate for a moment.

"We need to leave."

He backed away from the van quickly, snagging Kyle's wrist.

"Let's get going, Mom get the car started."

Eric did not take his eyes off the Mystery Machine as he practically dragged Kyle along beside him.

His grip was like cold iron.

Chapter Text

"..."

Kenny stared at the remains of his parents on the bloodied trailer floor.

He had not been able to keep them safe.

The crabs were too fast, too strong, and far too numerous.

Punches and kicks failed to affect them.

Only high caliber weapons or a sledgehammer could deal any significant damage.

Kenny lacked both of those things.

Both guns on the floor were out of bullets, plus the shotguns barrel was bent.

At least the crabs had stopped coming.

Something had stopped them.

Kenny had heard random moaning outside, but figured it was just a weird crab sound.

Their shrieking would haunt his dreams.

He numbly stumbled to the battered front door.

Locks were undone and the door creaked open.

It was pitch black outside.

Kenny staggered to the kitchen to fetch the flashlight under the sink.

He tried it.

No dice, out of juice.

"Shit."

Going out there without really being able to see was not optimal.

Chapter Text

Without any light going outside was pure stupidity.

Kenny had to leave.

He picked up the bloodstained baseball bat his dad had been using and headed out into the night.

There was nothing out here.

At least not in front of his place.

A few crab corpses.

He reached into his pocket and checked his cell.

Nothing from any of the guys.

He selected Eric's number.

Time to call a friend.

Even if he was a raging asshole at the best of times.

It rang twice before Eric answered.

"What do you want poor boy?"

Always with the insults.

"I want to know just what the Hell is going on, and I have a feeling you're behind this shit."

Silence from the other end of the line.

"Give me the phone fatass.'

That was Kyle.

Good that he was still alive at least.

Chapter Text

"This area seems cleared out."

Cartman announced as he closed his eyes to do a quick mental check to see how many Zombies were left.

158.

Decent enough.

The crabs were more dangerous than he'd figured despite the weak spot of their unarmored throats.

Plus, Kyle refused to transform and help out.

Werewolves.

There was no working with them.

Liane Cartman came up to her son.

"Should we head to the next block?"

Eric considered it for a moment.

"Yeah, just be careful."

He waved his mother away and turned his attention to Kyle sitting on the curb.

"Are you ever going to help out here, or are you just waiting for Kenny?"

Kyle flicked his gaze up.

"Waiting for Kenny."

Eric sighed.

"I'm moving onto the next block, don't get chomped."

He directed a 4-some of Zombies to remain with Kyle.

Not that Kyle would notice them shambling slowly in the background.

The things he did for his friends.

Eric noticed a car coming down the street.

It looked like Kenny was driving.

"Finally."

Chapter Text

"Looks like they didn't get him."

Kyle piped up as the car got closer.

"Uh-oh."

He began to notice that it was blowing a ton of smoke out the rear and all 4 tires appeared flat.

Kenny was still gunning it however, grinding against the curb as the car jittered to a halt.

Kenny reached down and snapped off the engine.

He looked like he'd been through Hell.

Eric cautiously walked up and leaned in.

"You ok Ken?"

Kenny kicked the door open, letting a shattered baseball bat fall to the ground.

He reached up and removed his sunglasses, which he never really wore.

"I feel like this entire thing is your Fault."

He stared daggers at Eric.

Eric held up his hands and edged away.

Kyle helped Kenny from the car, noting the other boy had a serious side injury.

Chapter Text

"This looks pretty bad dude."

Kyle admitted as he looked at the ragged wound on Kenny's side.

Kenny kept silent.

"What did this?"

Kyle poked Kenny in the temple.

Kenny fixed him with a stare.

"I fell on some glass."

Kenny lied like a rug.

Kyle frowned heavily.

"You can trust me Kenny, I'm not like Eric."

He glanced around to make sure the rotund boy was nowhere nearby.

"Fine you wanna' know sunshine?"

Kenny shoved his bloodied jacket back down over the wound.

"One of those damn Zombies bit me."

Kyle visibly paled.

"You're joking."

Kenny stumbled to a standing position.

"Afraid not, I'm infected."

Kenny laughed and nearly fell over backwards.

"Eric can fix this.'

Kyle headed over to where Cartman was standing.

Kenny stayed where he was, looking around at the ruined neighborhood.

Chapter Text

"That's not possible, I'd know if one of my Zombies bit someone besides a crab."

Eric snapped his gaze to Kenny.

"Get your broke ass over here."

Kenny clenched his fists and stomped over.

"A Zombie did bite me, right here."

He lifted his shirt to display the wound.

Eric frowned slightly.

"Looks like one did get you."

The rotund boy shrugged his shoulders.

"I can fix it."

He reached out with one gloved hand and poked Kenny between the eyes.

"There."

Kenny felt no different.

"What did you do?"

He asked, getting ready to throw a punch.

"I made it so the infection won't turn you into a Zombie, simple thing for a Necromancer."

Eric explained as a crab burst from the bushes, dragging several Zombies behind it.

A thunderclap deafened the children momentarily.

A hole the size of a dinner plate appeared in the crab's chest region.

It dropped without a sound.

Liane came walking over, her massive rifle smoking slightly.

"I didn't hit anyone did I?"

Chapter Text

These creatures were easy to kill.

He simply channeled enough electricity through their bodies to fry their tiny brains before they could do anything about it.

Chaos laughed as he floated over the burning wreckage of a police cruiser.

Something hurtled through the air at him at an insane velocity.

He snatched it from the air just in time.

It tore his hand up pretty bad.

He swore under his breath and floated straight up.

Some kind of red spike thing?

He released the projectile and scanned the road below.

Nothing appeared to be moving.

He glanced sideways.

Another red spike hurtled in from the same direction, this time aimed at his head.

He didn't bother catching this one and simply moved his head slightly.

A clean miss.

Now he had a sense of where the attacker was.

"Ball Lightning!"

Chaos called as he lobbed a ball of deadly electricity down at his attacker.

The explosion shrouded the area in smoke.

Seems he'd struck a gas line.

He waited for the smoke to clear and drifted down to stand on the street itself.

He still saw nothing that could have attacked him.

"Hn."

Chapter Text

"Eric I could use some help over here!"

Chaos shouted as he juked aside, another spine whistling through the area where he'd been floating.

Eric glanced over, he was surrounded by at least twenty Zombies, each holding off charging crabs.

He started slowly walking over to where Chaos was, not bothering to even pay attention to the battles going on around him.

"Darn things invisible Eric!"

Chaos landed lightly beside the Necromancer, who seemed not bothered at all.

"I can sense him Chaos, this will be fun."

Eric raised his right hand and dark purple light writhed up his fingers.

The invisible crab suddenly appeared before them, writhing in agony.

"Heart attack, a pity."

Eric flexed his hand, and the crab toppled.

"Go make sure my mom's ok."

Eric returned his focus to the crabs the zombies were battling.

"Thanks Eric."

Chaos zoomed off.

"You guys can help out anytime."

Eric looked over to where Kenny and Kyle were in deep conversation.

Kenny flipped him off.

Chapter Text

Kenny flipped away from the crab charging at him, glancing to Kyle who was just kind of standing around.

"You're A Werewolf Right?!"

Kenny asked, letting fly with a shuriken that sliced off one of the crab's eyestalks.

It bellowed in rage and agony and charged.

At Kyle.

Kenny was too far away to intervene.

Kyle stopped the 500-pound crab cold with one arm.

It shrieked and drove a claw for his head.

Kyle caught the claw and shattered it.

The crab stumbled backwards, but Kyle still had ahold of it.

He grabbed the other claw and yanked.

Both claws tore off in a spray of blood.

The crab had been effectively disarmed.

Kyle kicked the wounded crab away from him.

"Nice."

Kenny shot him a thumbs up as he rounded on another crab that was coming their way.

Smoke bombs smacked it in the face.

Thick purple smoke clouded the street.

Kenny dived into the haze, a knife in his fist.

Chapter Text

"I'm running low on bodies."

Eric stood atop a dead crab; his arms folded.

His mother glanced up from where she was sharpening a large knife.

"Can't you just raise the dead crabs to fight against the live ones?"

Eric blinked.

"Sonofa..."

After about twenty minutes Eric had raised at least a dozen crabs, some were too damaged to be brought back.

Chaos came tumbling down the street, his left eye had been gouged out.

Kenny was there 1st.

He helped Chaos to his feet, backing away slightly from the towering supervillain.

"Thanks, that was a tough one."

Chaos threw himself back into the fight, throwing haymakers with fists the size of canned hams.

The ground beneath Kyles feet suddenly bowed upwards, Kyle scrambling away just in time.

It was a massive crab, at least 20 feet tall.

A flimsy paper crown sat neatly atop it.

The King Crab.

Eric pointed at it.

"That one, focus on that one."

All hell broke loose.

Chapter Text

Kenny's right arm was just gone.

Snipped off at the shoulder by a claw the size of a small car.

He was laying on his back in the debris-filled road, bleeding to death.

The king crab towered over him.

Eric directed a gaggle of Zombies to fetch Kenny as he flung purple magic at the crab's face.

He may as well have been spraying it with a squirt gun.

Nothing seemed to be working, even Chaos couldn't affect it.

Kyle darted in with a car door held up as a shield.

He got to Kenny first.

"I've got you dude."

He grabbed Kenny's hood and started dragging him backwards.

"Screw this, we need to regroup."

Chaos landed next to Eric.

"As much as I hate to admit it, I agree."

Eric dropped his arm and shouted across the battlefield to his mom.

"Fall Back To Wal-Mart!"

His mother jacked another magazine into her cannon and headed their way.

"Yes Poopsi-Kins!"

Chapter Text

The ground shook as a line of M1 Abrams tanks thundered down the road.

Behind those were troop transports.

Bringing up the rear was a single command vehicle bristling with antennas.

They all halted at the bridge into South Park.

It had been destroyed.

The river wasn't high.

The tanks headed down the embankment with a quickness.

Troops filed out behind them, some lugging rocket launchers.

No crabs were spotted.

The tanks started crossing the river.

The command vehicle stayed by the bridge, giving orders to the soldiers.

The town looked to be abandoned.

They found the 1st dead crab on the other side; it was riddled with bullet holes.

Someone's last stand?

"Secure the town."

The order chirped into every headset as a thin man in a blue suit exited the command vehicle.

"I want this shit show wrapped up before dark."

Chapter Text

"Looks like the town is abandoned."

The matte black helicopter touched down on the grass of the school football field.

It powered down quickly.

The doors swung open on the chopper and a thin man in a blue suit climbed out.

He gazed about the area for a while.

Nothing rushed in to try and murder him.

He flipped open an old school phone.

"Crabs are not a problem in the center of town."

He reported and flipped the phone back closed.

He headed out towards the school itself, a hand buried inside his suit jacket.

"Hello?!"

He called out, looking around for any survivors.

A rock came flying in from one of the broken windows and nearly brained him.

Suit-man swore and realized there was nowhere for him to take cover.

He pulled the pistol from his holster and raised it.

"I'm Armed!"

He declared, glancing back towards the helicopter.

Another rock whizzed past.

Someone was not a good aim.

Blue-suit raised his gun in the direction of the school.

"Come On Out!"

He edged forwards, hoping for a better view.

The entire wall busted out in an explosion of dust.

A ten-foot-tall crab lurched into sight.

"Damn it."

Blue suit snapped the gun up and started firing.

Chapter Text

Kenny was having trouble standing after one of the crab's razor-sharp claws had sliced across his thigh.

He suspected important things in there had been damaged.

He threw the last of his smoke bombs in the crab's face and stumbled backwards.

The crab seemed to be laughing at him.

Where had everyone gone?

After the military had arrived, everything had gone to Hell.

Cartman had been critically injured by an exploding barrel.

Why anyone had a 50-gallon drum of fuel sitting around in the street was a mystery.

Eric looked like a burnt piece of toast.

Kenny flipped out his knife as the crab charged.

His knife was next to useless against its armored carapace.

He was hoping to stab one of its disgusting eyes.

A claw scythed through the smoke on a crash course for Kenny's head.

Kenny didn't react in time.

He went sprawling across the debris-filled street.

His vision went black.

When he opened his eyes again, he saw something awful.

The crab had a massive erection.

"Shit Balls!"

Kenny forced himself to stand again, despite the state of his failing body.

The knife was gone, lost in the scuffle.

Down to fists and feet.

Kenny did not like his odds.

Chapter Text

"Dude, what the Hell?"

Kyle skidded to a stop, his eyes wide.

Kenny lay in a pile of white goo on the street, he looked like he'd been beaten severely.

"Hang on dude, I'll get you out of this."

Kyle carefully grabbed Kenny by the back of his hoodie, wincing at the feeling of slime on his hands.

"Gonna have to drag you..."

He expected Kenny not to care, it was a miracle he was even breathing.

Kyle started pulling his friend down the street back towards where Eric and Chaos were.

A clicking noise made him stop.

One of the crabs skittered out in front of him.

There was no way around it.

Kyle focused and his nails became razor sharp werewolf claws.

"Bring it ON!"

The crab charged.

Kyle leapt.

Blood splattered on the already gooped up Kenny.

Chapter Text

"Ugh..."

Kenny woke up in pitch darkness.

He coughed up some crab spunk and rolled onto his side.

Where the Hell was he?

He struggled to rise on one knee.

He was in a military tent of some sort and laying on the cold ground.

Why hadn't anyone put him in one of the cots?

There were plenty around.

"Hello!?"

He tried, breaking down into a coughing fit.

Something felt wrong inside him.

Probably the gallons of crab sperm?

Who knew?

He got to his feet and staggered for the tent opening.

"Kyle you asshole, when I find you..."

He reached the entryway and trailed off.

There were a ton of dead bodies out here.

Like piles upon piles.

He fell backwards on his butt with a sick squishing sound.

"Shit."

Chapter Text

Kenny groaned as he felt something shift inside him.

Not good.

He stumbled against a burned-out Humvee, coughing.

He felt ready to die.

He'd just respawn of course.

He always did.

A crab the size of a small dog scuttled out from a pile of corpses.

It regarded him for several long moments.

Kenny flipped it off.

"Piss Off Asshole!"

Kenny threw up.

It was blood.

A lot of blood.

The crab clicked its claws and moved towards him.

An easy meal?

Chapter Text

"You'll be ok kid, take this."

The uniformed nurse handed Kenny something that looked like an inhaler full of clear liquid.

Kenny blinked.

"What the Hell do I do with this?"

The nurse frowned.

"You hit it kid, I can't believe you've never seen Slo-Mo."

The nurse walked away, leaving Kenny with a mysterious drug.

Kenny reluctantly put his lips over the mouthpiece.

It smelled like hot piss.

Kenny depressed the plunger.

Everything went blurry.

Kenny tasted something foul, like he'd taken a bite out of a cow pie.

The world seemed to have slowed to a crawl just for him.

The inhaler fell from his hands as he watched Cartman start towards him.

Eric was saying something.

Kenny's ears felt plugged.

He started to open his mouth to say something back to Eric.

The world went black.

Like he'd been dunked in tar.

He felt like he was falling.

Forever.

Weird.

Chapter Text

Kenny went down like a sack of hammers before his eyes.

Eric frowned despite the massive burns covering most of his body.

"We need to get out of here."

Kyle stepped into the Med tent from the other end.

A thunderous roar broke the silence.

"What in the Hell was that?"

Kyle asked, making his way towards Kenny.

"Sounded like a T-Rex."

Eric cocked his head to the side as the ground jumped beneath their feet.

"I'll hold it off, take Kenny and get going."

Eric raised his gnarled necromancer's staff as the tent was swept away over their heads.

Kyle took Kenny by the scruff and started dragging him.

Eric screamed wordlessly as a fully grown T-Rex stepped into view.

Where had that come from?

Did the crabs start raising dinosaurs to fight them now?

Eric stopped screaming long enough to mutter the syllables for a spell.

A purple energy beam lanced from the tip of his staff and struck the Rex full in the chest.

It stumbled ever so slightly.

Eric lifted his staff once more as a crab with a spear charged in from the side, impaling him.

"Ah shit."

Cartman let his staff drop to the ground and wrenched the disgusting spear from his ribs.

The crab's pincer claws snapped inches from his face.

He was in trouble.

Chapter Text

"Are you sure that this is the best way to kill the Crab Queen?"

Eric Cartman looked down at the yawning hole in the earth.

A cave, some 300 feet deep.

There was only one way down.

Kyle was fixing their gear, finding a large stone outcropping to affix their climbing rope to.

"You go down 1st fat boy, if you get stuck, just yell."

Kyle gestured to the dark pit.

"What are you waiting for, an invitation?"

Eric grumbled as he made sure his climbing harness was secure before backing up to the hole.

"Here goes everything."

He slowly lowered himself down using his legs braced against the cave wall, only dropping a few inches at a time.

"Good luck."

Kyle didn't make any motion to follow; he simply lit up a cigarette.

It started to rain.

Just great.

Chapter Text

"Fuck me sideways."

Eric gasped as his boots touched down on solid ground, it had taken him roughly an hour to descend this far.

He unhooked himself from the climbing rig and flipped on his flashlight.

Lots of slimy rocks down here and not too much else.

A moment was taken to send a surge of magic into the surrounding area.

There!

Things were alive down here.

Eric intended to make them dead.

He unsnapped his collapsable staff with the crystal on the end.

"Kyle should be doing this shit..."

He mumbled as he stepped into ankle deep water and muck, the small steam led off to the side.

If he was lucky that's all the deeper it would get.

The Necromancer started down the stream, making as little noise as possible.

Like a sneaky snake.

Chapter Text

Kyle gazed blankly down the yawning hole.

He was almost done with his cigarette.

It tasted like shit anyway.

The Werewolf flipped the cancer stick away and checked his climbing harness.

Everything appeared to be in place.

He went over to where he'd tied the rope and gave it a tug.

Still secure.

Time to drop in.

He clipped himself onto the line as a figure in military fatigues pushed through the tall brush.

"Stop right there."

Kyle almost jumped.

He raised his hands in surrender as more military people came flooding into the area.

One of them forced his hands behind his back and slapped cuffs on him.

"Who's down there?"

Another soldier asked, gesturing to the pit.

"Nobody, I was just going myself, had to have a smoke 1st."

Kyle lied easily.

A gun barrel roughly jammed against his cheek.

"I don't believe you."

Kyle resisted the urge to transform and tear these guys apart.

He blinked and the rope was cut by another soldier.

Eric's lifeline to the surface slipped into the darkness.

Not good.

Chapter Text

"Ok Dickhole, this is where you die."

Eric raised his staff as an enormous crab the size of a greyhound bus scuttled towards him.

Magic was tough to get past.

Especially death magic.

A purple beam lanced from the tip of Eric's staff and struck the crab in the face.

Instant Brain Death.

The crab collapsed inches from Eric's feet, dead as a doornail.

"Hm."

Eric cracked his neck to one side and glanced back the way he'd come.

Where the Hell was Kyle?

He started back, not bothering to notice the vast valley of giant crab eggs just beyond his sight.

Upon reaching the pit opening, he found the rope.

"Shit."

He looked up.

How was he going to get out of here?

Chapter Text

Kyle stayed where he was even with multiple assault rifles pointed at him.

"I can't leave this spot gentlemen."

He dropped to his knees, arms still firmly cuffed behind his back.

The nearest soldier scowled and grabbed Kyle by the hair.

"We don't care!"

He yanked.

Kyles left arm became a blur.

There was the twinkling of breaking steel.

The soldier staggered backwards, his guts spilling out like sausages.

Kyles left arm was clawed and hairy.

Soldiers lit him up before he could rise.

Multiple hits to center mass dumped Kyle backwards onto the cold ground, where he lay in a spreading pool of blood.

"Medic!"

A soldier knelt down to check Kyles pulse.

His neck snapped violently to the right and he slumped over.

Kyle hauled himself to his feet.

Now guns were just going off from all directions.

A grenade rolled between Kyles feet.

"Ah shit."

The world went white.

Chapter Text

"I knew this spell had a purpose."

Eric muttered as he rose swiftly up the shaft like a leaf on the wind.

He emerged into the night, seeing no sign of Kyle.

"Oh, come on."

He landed lightly and un-erected his staff.

"Where are you asshole?"

He pocketed the now short stick and finally noticed something.

There were roughly a dozen corpses in military fatigues scattered around.

"Well, it looks like somebody had fun."

He was surprised he didn't hear any gunshots.

Being underground really screwed with ones hearing.

He paused a moment before striding towards the dense brush.

"Werewolf tracks..."

There was also a fair amount of blood.

Was Kyle injured?

He hoped so.

Better have a damn good reason for not coming down and helping him.

Chapter Text

"There you are."

Eric stopped walking, gazing across the field at where Kyle lay in a massive pool of blood.

It was more like a lake of blood.

Herd of cows run through a juicer?

Eric shrugged and proceeded across the field.

"You still alive?"

He bent down and checked Kyles pulse.

Faint, but there.

"Looks like those guys messed you up pretty good."

Eric didn't know why he was bothering to talk.

"I'll get us out of here."

He flipped open his phone.

"Mister Hankee should still be awake."

He nudged Kyles head with his foot as he waiting for the turd to pick up.

Chapter Text

"Bravo team never reported back."

The trio of soldiers glanced to their commanding officer.

"All that gunfire and roaring earlier might have had something to do with it."

One soldier piped up.

His imposing commander nearly punched him.

"You three are to go find Bravo team."

He jerked his finger towards the bushes.

"Get moving."

The trio slung assault rifles across their backs and set off into the forest.

"You think Bravo team was attacked by a bear?"

One soldier asked his companions.

"Don't be stupid, bears don't sound like that."

Another cut in as they emerged into a clearing littered with bodies.

The stench of guts and drying blood hit them like a truck.

"Well, we found them."

The 3rd soldier vomited before he had the chance to say anything.

"Let's check for survivors."

It took all of five minutes to sweep the field.

None of Bravo team had made it.

They stopped upon hearing a voice.

There was someone nearby.

"Party time."

The soldiers composed themselves and headed in the direction of the voice.

"Fat kid 3 o'clock."

The group hunkered down to avoid being seen.

"Flank him, I'll throw smoke."

Thick grey smoke burst all around Eric Cartman.

He just stood there like a statue.

Where in the Hell was mister Hankie?

Chapter Text

"Hands up!"

Eric let out a sigh despite the choking smoke all around him.

He slowly lifted his arms to the sky.

Felt rough hands pat him down to check him for concealed weapons.

He blinked.

The person patting him down dropped dead.

Instantly.

Magic was awesome.

A gun barrel jabbed him in the back of the head.

"On Your Knees!"

They had no idea who they were dealing with.

Not one bit.

Another man checked on the corpse.

"Charlies gone."

Eric slowly lowered himself to his knees.

"The two of you can still walk away from this, I'm giving you this chance."

Erics arms were violently wrenched behind his back.

"Shut Up!"

The hard way it was then.

There came a tearing noise as a purple flower burst through the chest of the man trying to slap cuffs on him.

He stumbled, before collapsing.

"What the..."

The last member of the team raised a pistol to Eric's head.

"Don't You Move!"

Eric didn't need to move.

Kyle did.

The Werewolf/boy rolled, sweeping the man right off his feet.

A shot rang out as he discharged his weapon in pure panic.

Kyle made sure he didn't rise by clamping a hand onto his throat meat and squeezing.

His windpipe collapsed like a soda can at the bottom of the ocean.

Kyle unclenched his fingers and ever so slowly stood up.

"What did I miss?"

Chapter Text

"Heh."

Eric detected a hint of malice coming off of Kyle.

He juked backwards just in time.

A sword made of freaking diamonds seemed to phase into existence where he'd been standing.

It plowed a good foot into the bloody dirt from the force behind it.

Kyle had just tried to kill him.

"This is bad."

Eric backed up as Kyle lifted the nearly 7-foot-long blade into another attacking position.

"Snap Out Of It Dickhole!"

Eric produced a small revolver from his jacket and shot Kyle in the face.

Normal bullets did absolutely jack shit to a Werewolf, but getting shot in the face ruined anyone's day.

Kyle stumbled back, wiping a deluge of blood from his eyes.

Eric had to get him to drop that sword.

He had 5 rounds left.

Kyle charged.

Chapter Text

"Death Blooms."

Eric raised his hand and cast his spell, striking Kyle dead center in the chest.

This spell was supposed to make a deadly flower burst forth from the victim's heart.

It did absolutely nothing to Kyle.

Eric scowled.

Kyles sword blurred in at insane speeds.

Eric ducked just in time.

The diamond blade would have cut him clean in half.

He had to think of something else to slow his former friend down.

Eric threw the useless revolver at Kyles head.

"You leave me no choice Kyle."

He backed away and suddenly dropped to his knees, slapping his hands to the ground.

This spell created a quicksand pit directly beneath Kyles feet.

Kyle sunk like a stone.

Eric stared.

Was it that easy?

Nothing ever was.

Chapter Text

"That blade..."

Eric narrowed his eyes as Kyle attempted to bisect him straight down the middle.

He barely dodged the insanely fast weapon, watching as Kyle struggled to pull it back out of the dirt.

"I'm not sorry about this."

Eric muttered some words of arcane power.

A black-bladed axe materialized in his hands.

This would do nicely.

Diamond sword met enchanted metal as Eric blocked the next swing.

The sheer power behind the blow nearly tore the axe from Eric's grasp.

Eric realized this was a bad idea.

Even using magic, going up against a possessed Kyle was insane.

He grit his teeth as Kyle came in from a different angle.

This block sent shivers down his arms as Kyle bullied forwards, forcing him to stumble backwards.

Towards the open crab pit.

A 300-foot fall would not be fun.

Eric reached into his jacket pocket and came up with a handful of sand.

Kyle snarled as Eric threw the sand in his face.

The sword dropped slightly.

Eric took the initiative.

His axe blade hooked behind Kyles left leg and jerked him clear off his feet.

Kyle dropped the sword.

Everything went still.

Eric placed the axe to Kyles throat, forcing him to meet his eyes.

"You cool?"

Kyle looked confused.

Eric repeated the question.

Kyle slowly nodded.

"I'm going to let you up, don't touch that sword."

Chapter Text

"What the Hell happened?"

Kyle looked down at himself, blinking sand from his eyes.

Eric de-summoned his axe, looking down at the diamond blade between them.

"That thing there possessed you somehow, you almost killed me."

Eric snapped on a handy glove and reached for the handle of the sword.

Nothing happened.

He felt no different.

Lifting it would be impossible.

He released the handle.

"Huh, you just need to wear gloves to beat this thing."

He tossed Kyle a pair of gloves conjured from somewhere.

"Pick that bitch up now and see what happens?"

Eric took several steps back as Kyle grabbed the handle with gloved hands.

He muscled it up onto his shoulder.

"Feel any different?"

Kyle cracked his neck to one side to get a kink out of it.

"Not really, this sword is badass though."

Eric had to agree.

"Let's walk and talk."

He started off down a random trail.

Kyle followed, a silent shadow with a huge sword.

Chapter Text

A bullet was not much of a danger to Professor Chaos.

This one was.

It tore straight through his hardened skin and blew a hole the size of a canned ham out his back.

Pain.

He dropped from the sky like a stone.

Luckily a pile of soft snow cushioned his fall.

It had been a long time since Butters had seen his own blood before.

It made him gag.

He rose to one knee.

His body felt too heavy for his legs.

Darn it.

He focused his gaze on the one who'd shot him.

A tall man in a cowboy hat emerged from the fog.

Where had all the fog come from?

Chaos struggled to both feet, glaring at the man.

"Gunslinger..."

Chaos had heard of a hero that wielded a six-gun with an unnatural skill.

Now he got to see him firsthand.

A shaky hand extended towards the man.

Lightning flashed.

The gun boomed again.

Both men fell at the same time.

Neither stirred.

Chapter Text

"Seven Heads, Seven Kings, Ten Horns..."

The rhythmic chanting filled the dank chamber where Professor Chaos lay sprawled out on a stone slab.

Hell's Pass Hospital wasn't busy tonight, and they had a job to do.

Bring Chaos back from the brink of death.

They'd already sacrificed a goat.

Its severed head lay off to the side, wide eyes staring uselessly into the abyss.

Someone started pounding on an old drum.

Chaos coughed.

Success!

All the lights in the building flickered.

Chaos opened his eyes.

"Where am I?"

He asked in a hoarse voice.

The doctor stepped up, offering him an ice-cold Dr Pepper.

Chaos took a sip.

Sweet.

"You're at the hospital, technically you died."

Butters blinked.

"Well...hamburgers."

Chapter Text

"Can we stop for a minute?"

Eric was lagging behind Kyle, who had supernatural stamina.

Kyle shifted his head slightly.

"Fine, but only 5 minutes."

That was better than a minute.

Eric just sighed and slumped to the curb.

His back hurt.

"What are we doing once we find Chaos?"

Kyle asked as he set the diamond sword down and wiped his hands on his pants.

"We tell him the crabs are no longer a threat and hopefully we can all go back to our normal lives?"

Eric glanced to the side.

Something had moved further down the street.

Kyle blinked.

"I smell something."

He lifted the enormous sword back up.

There came a clicking sound, a gun being cocked.

A shadowy figure wearing a cowboy hat stepped from the gloom.

"Both of you, hands up, drop that sword."

Kyle almost complied, Eric just looked defeated.

"Hey, we killed the crabs, can't we just get a break?"

Eric tried, eying the distance between himself and the gunman.

Too far.

Especially under a gun.

Kyle was going to have to do all the work here.

Eric slowly put his hands up.

"I don't know who you are, but we're the good guys."

The gun shifted to cover Kyle, who had moved a scant inch.

"Drop It."

The shadow man commanded.

Chapter Text

"No, I think you should drop it."

The Gunslinger froze.

A sword was being held to his throat from behind.

He extended his hand slowly and let his weapon fall.

"Get on the ground."

The voice ordered and the Gunslinger complied.

Eric breathed a sigh of relief.

Kyle looked unsure.

The figure behind the Gunslinger kept the sword to his neck.

He produced handcuffs with his free hand and slapped them on with practiced ease.

"Raven, send him."

An orb of utter blackness enveloped the Gunslinger from seemingly thin air.

There came a pop!

He was gone.

Eric's eyes slowly widened.

Did he say Raven...?

This wasn't going to be good for a murderous Necromancer and his Werewolf companion.

Not good at all.

"Kyle, hit him!"

Eric suddenly shouted, hoping that the Lycan was fast enough.

Chapter Text

Kyles massive sword cleaved through the air where the sword-wielding hero had been standing.

A clean miss, the hero actually laughed.

Kyle let out a growl and threw himself forwards.

The hero's sword punched through his chest.

He twisted his upper body violently, wrenching it from the hero's hands.

"Raven, I need help!"

Raven was in no position to help anyone.

The purple/black robed sorceress was flat on her back.

A massive bruise was forming all across the side of her face.

Courtesy of Eric's staff.

Eric put his foot on the young woman's throat as she tried to rise.

"Stay down there, I want to see how Kyle wins."

Eric drawled, watching the fight with slightly glazed eyes.

Madness.

Kyle delivered a violent headbutt to the skull of the shadowed hero.

He dropped like a sack of warm crap.

Kyle looked down at the sword stuck inside him.

"Ruined my damn shirt."

Chapter Text

"Get up, don't try anything stupid."

Eric took his foot off Raven's throat.

She slowly eased herself to a standing position.

"This clearly did not work out, just let me collect Robin and leave?"

She tried, hoping Eric would agree.

Eric looked to the other boy for a moment.

"No, that's not going to work for us."

Raven had zero time to react.

Eric's staff smashed her upside the head.

She saw lots of stars before toppling over.

Eric hooked his thumb at Kyle.

"Get that sword out of yourself and carry her."

Kyle frowned but wrenched the blade from his chest with some difficulty.

It ceased bleeding almost instantly.

Kyle trooped over and scooped Raven up Bridal Style.

"All right, let's get this show back on the road."

Eric started down the street.

Kyle checked Raven's pulse to make sure she wasn't dead before following the Necromancer.

Where were they even going now?

Chapter Text

"Drone footage shows they have a hostage."

The purple-haired woman stood before a bank of computer monitors with her hands on her hips.

"I can hit them with sniper fire; they don't look bullet proof."

A grizzled man with one eye spoke up, lifting his gloved hands.

"We have orders to take them alive; you aren't exactly a humanitarian."

Purple-Hair shot One-Eye a look.

"I'd aim for their legs, mostly."

One-Eye grumbled as he watched the two young men stop at a Country Kitchen Buffet.

How was that place still open in this disaster zone?!

The drone lost them when they went inside the building.

"All right, we have them at a fixed location, ready up."

Purple-Hair stepped away from all the screens and headed for the darkened rooms exit.

"We'll chopper in and surround the building, they won't make it out."

Section 10 was on the move.

A sick guitar riff blared out of nowhere.

Chapter Text

"We're in position."

The 4 members of Section 10 were in the bushes just outside the Country Kitchen Buffet parking lot.

There was their Captain Shitiko Kusashagi, the purple haired lady with the serious face.

Kaito, the one practically spooning a Barret 50. Cal behind the tiny bushes, he also just had a single eye.

Brock, the hulking brute of a man wearing a leather jacket and skinny jeans, he held a riot shotgun in one massive hand.

And finally, Susan.

Susan was just there to videotape the event.

They'd hired the 16-year-old last minute.

Susan was not happy about this at all; she wanted to go the mall.

"Can we like get this over with?"

Susan wasn't trying to hide herself behind the bushes at all, she loudly popped her gum.

Shitoki glared behind her blue shades.

"How many people are in there Kaito?"

Brock asked their sniper, who yawned.

"I count 12, mostly old people, the boys are way in the back."

Kaito flipped the safety off his weapon.

"Get your asses up there before I decide to just start blasting."

Kaito put his face near the massive scope.

"The fat kid just left, headed for the bathroom..."

Shitoki surged from her hiding place, a matte black pistol materializing in her gloved hands.

"Section 10, Move Out!"

Chapter Text

"I saw those people outside, they're after us."

Eric waddled back from the bathroom after not bothering to wash his hands.

He leaned close to Kyle and whispered.

"Act natural and take our hostage out back through the kitchen exit."

Eric's eyes snapped to Raven, who was sipping a cup of black coffee.

"Don't give Kyle any trouble or he will snap your neck."

He said nothing of the massive diamond sword resting against the back of their booth.

The front doors to the buffet suddenly exploded open!

Broken glass flew as a purple-haired woman rolled into the building.

She pointed a handgun at Eric and barked orders.

"Hands In the Air!"

Eric didn't move.

Kyle and Raven were already slipping through the kitchen doors.

A beefy man with a shotgun charged up and put the muzzle right in Eric's face.

"You Heard Her!"

Eric's eyes narrowed slightly.

"Something's not right here Brock..."

Purple-Hair started to back away.

Eric Cartman exploded in a cloud of choking grey gas.

Some kind of bomb?!

The real Eric Cartman was slipping out the bathroom window.

Clones were awesome.

"Check the Back!"

Purple-hair coughed as she hustled from the building, swerving around the side.

She nearly ran right into the real Eric Cartman.

Eric managed to smack the gun right out of her hands with his staff before she could bring it up.

Purple-Hair threw the 1st punch.

She hit nothing but air.

How was this little brat so fast?

Eric gestured with his staff.

Purple-Hairs entire body lifted off the ground of its own accord and went flying sideways like she'd been struck by a car.

Eric laughed and headed off towards where Kyle and Raven were hoofing it through the snow towards the tree line.

Almost too easy.

Chapter Text

"I have a shot."

The massive 50 caliber rifle belched fire.

Eric Cartman flinched as something whuffed by at an absurd speed.

"Was that my mom's gun?"

He asked, stopping and turning to look in the direction the shot had come from.

A shotgun blast cut off his thoughts and sent him sprawling backwards in the ankle-deep snow.

He'd been hit.

He still had ahold of his staff and directed a beam of purple magic straight into the chest of a charging man holding a smoking shotgun.

The man literally evaporated into a bloody mist; the gun plopped to the ground.

Fatality!

Eric hauled himself back on his feet, feeling a strange burning in his upper chest and shoulder.

"Bastard shot me in the tit."

He staggered slightly as another large piece of lead whizzed past his body.

Another miss.

Whoever was trying to shoot him sure sucked at it.

"Drop The Staff!"

The purple-haired woman from before came running up, her small backup pistol raised.

"You fuckers don't learn."

Eric blinked and the gun in the womans hand exploded like a hand grenade.

All 5 rounds cooking off at once.

She stared at the bloody ruin that used to be her hand before toppling over in shock.

Eric shot a one-fingered salute in the direction of the sniper before vanishing into the foliage.

No more shots were fired.

Section 10 had failed.

Chapter Text

"You got shot."

Kyle deadpanned as he gazed at Eric's bloody chest.

Eric let out a sigh.

"I most certainly did Kyle, why are you holding hands with our hostage?"

Kyle dropped Raven's hand like it was on fire.

"Just making sure she doesn't run off."

He quickly supplied, looking to Raven.

Raven was staring at her feet.

"We better get you fixed up before we move on Eric, they'll follow the blood trail."

Kyle tried, setting down his massive diamond sword.

"I can stop the bleeding myself; you just worry about our goth friend here."

Eric stumbled slightly, dropping to one knee.

"However, that is a lot of blood..."

He fainted almost instantly, collapsing on his face.

Raven was the 1st at his side, rolling the rotund boy over on his back.

"Give me your shirt."

She gestured to Kyle.

Kyle stared.

"No way, use your freaking magic."

Chapter Text

"It's all just a symptom of being human..."

Camerawoman Susan had dropped her camera and picked up a machete.

Where she'd found it was a complete mystery since none of Section 10 carried bladed weapons.

She marched out past the sniper, who was muttering angrily on the ground.

He was a crap shot.

Susan could have done better with one arm.

She didn't say anything, just picked up the pace into the foliage.

Her footfalls became nearly silent as she realized the trio had stopped.

She crouched down and viewed the scene before her with bated breath.

The one known as Kyle was taking his shirt off while the thick goth lady was attending to fat boy.

Looks like the perfect time to strike.

Her grip tightened on the machete handle.

"All Of You Freeze!"

Susan shouted, lurching from the bushes.

She felt their gaze fall on her.

Her legs propelled her over the downed fatty in a leap, the machete blazing down at the shirtless ones head like a falling star.

Nearly impossible to stop.

Chapter Text

CLINK!

Two flabby hands caught the machete between their palms and held it there.

A bloodied Eric Cartman had somehow gotten himself up off the ground and caught her blade in mid-strike.

"Bitch."

Susans eyes went wide as the machete was twisted from her grasp, Erics boot nailed her in the sternum.

A Necromancer who knew how to fight?

The idea simply shocked Susan.

She stumbled backwards as the goth raised a hand.

Her back hit something solid.

A glowing black barrier wall.

Shit.

Susan bared her teeth and clenched her hands into fists.

There was no running from this.

The shirtless one she'd been aiming for placed a hand on the Necromancer's shoulder.

"Let me."

Eric glanced backwards.

"Sure, but be quick."

Shirtless boy leveled his massive blade at Susan.

"My turn."

Chapter Text

"You'll need this."

Eric flipped the caught machete back to Susan, who snatched it from the air.

He folded his arms.

"This better be good."

Kyle gestured with his enormous blade for Susan to make the 1st move.

Susan was fast.

Kyle knew better.

Her leg sweep attempt almost got her leg cut off as that diamond blade slammed into the dirt.

She rolled away, forgetting where she was rolling.

Goth girl kicked her upside the head.

Piss!

Susan swore and stumbled to her feet.

Kyle brought the blade down in an attempt to split her clean in half.

Susan's machete came up.

It wasn't enough.

Susans wrist snapped like glass and the machete was forced backwards into her own face.

She went down in a bloodied heap.

Kyles strike had forced the unsharpened side of the machete straight into her skull.

She was very dead.

Kyle let out a breath.

"That was easy."

Raven glanced to the 2 boys.

"I don't suppose I can leave now?"

Eric laughed.

"Naw, nice try tho."

Chapter Text

"I kicked her in the head for you, the least you could do is let me go?"

Raven tried, looking Cartman dead in the eyes.

Eric blinked 1st.

"No, that's not going to fly, don't make me handcuff you."

Eric produced a shiny pair of cuffs from his jacket pocket.

Raven took a step back.

"Fine, I'll follow you boys."

She looked back to Kyle, who was trying to wipe down his sword.

"Put a dent in it..."

Kyle grumbled, how one could dent a freaking diamond blade was an utter mystery.

Eric glanced down at the bloody wound in his chest.

At least it had stopped bleeding for now.

"We need to get out of here; I think the hospital is still standing."

Eric pointed.

"Get moving miss Raven, you'll lead from here on out."

Kyle put his shirt back on since it looked like Eric didn't need it.

Eric grumbled under his breath.

Raven started in the direction the boy had pointed.

Kyle shambled along behind with Eric bringing up the rear.

A jet-black raven landed on a dead tree just behind the group.

It's eyes glowing green.

Chapter Text

"There's something down here."

Professor Chaos stalked down the creaky stairs into the dank basement.

Stacks of old medical files taller than he was littered the space and most had spilled in heaps across the floor.

He walked carefully, conjuring a small ball of lightning above his right hand to light the way.

"Come on Chaos, you can't be down here, it's off limits."

The security guard on duty stood at the top of the stairs, looking down with mild concern.

"Hush."

Chaos lobbed the ball of lightning over his shoulder.

It struck the guard dead center in the chest and exploded.

He went hurtling off his feet back into the hallway, where he landed in a smoking heap.

His heart stopped.

Chaos muttered to himself as he searched the basement.

Something was wrong with the wall.

A massive hand traced seams from recent concrete work.

He tapped on the section.

Hallow?

A fist was made, and Chaos slammed his full weight into a punch.

The thin concrete patch crumbled instantly.

There in the darkness was an old military style box, clearly not something you would find inside a wall.

Chaos hauled the box out with one arm, heading for the stairs.

He needed good light for this.

Even with his super villain strength the box was heavier than it looked.

He tried shaking it.

Nothing rattled inside.

So, it probably wasn't full of rocks.

The stairs shrieked dangerously as Chaos headed back up, threatening to break from the added weight.

Luckily Chaos made it onto the ground floor safely.

Chapter Text

"Stop staring at his ass."

Raven flinched at Eric's voice in her ear.

She slowly turned her head to regard the bloody necromancer.

"I was not doing that."

She puffed, staring the fat teen down.

Eric folded his arms with a smirk.

"Sure, sure."

He waved her on, Kyle was getting too far ahead of them.

"Just letting you know."

Raven turned back around and hurried to catch up to Kyle, who hadn't even noticed they'd stopped.

Eric let out a sigh.

Women were so bothersome.

Hormones and everything.

Kyle was HIS.

Eric narrowed his eyes.

Where did that thought come from?

Cupid Me probably.

He shrugged and started back on the trail, which was actually the road.

Kyle had stopped roughly 50 yards ahead, waiting for them.

They'd reached Hell's Pass hospital.

Both doors were shattered and lay in pieces on the ground.

Place looked like a warzone.

Eric arrived at Kyles side.

"I'll lead the way from here; you can't swing that sword inside very well."

Chapter Text

"Don't open that."

Eric placed a hand on Chaos's shoulder.

Chaos nearly jumped out of his skin.

"What are you doing here?"

He whirled about, fixing the 3 newcomers with a look.

Raven raised her hand in a greeting, whilst Kyle just looked at the wall.

"We came here because it's supposedly the safest place."

Eric noted that one of the chains keeping the box on the bed shut was loose.

Not great.

"There's something strange about that thing, I'd put it back where you found it."

Eric advised, actually taking a step forward to put his own body between Chaos and the mystery box.

Electricity crackled audibly.

Kyle fixed his gaze on Chaos.

Things were super tense.

Raven looked at her feet.

Chaos moved.

Eric screamed something.

All was drowned out by an earth-shattering explosion.

Chapter Text

Nobody had a clue how intelligent the crab monsters actually were.

They were smart enough to know when they'd been beaten.

Even with their queen dead, they still had the king.

With his dank paper crown.

The king had routed them all back into the ocean to regroup.

Some stayed behind to keep the humans busy.

They were the bravest of the bunch.

King Crab had a name; it was unpronounceable in the human tongue.

So, we'll just refer to him as Bob.

King Bob was conferring with the other being in the deep ocean.

Some of the Elder gods.

Also Cthulhu, but he didn't seem to want anything to do with it.

It appeared he knew the name Eric Cartman.

The eldritch deity actually seemed unsure if it was wise to engage the human child.

Strange.

Bob had got the lost city of Atlantis on his side after some arguing.

Now it was Merfolk and Crabs against humanity.

Crab people riding sharks into battle?

Awesome.

Bob had not counted on one thing.

The United States Navy.

Chapter Text

"You're heavier than you look."

Kyle grunted from the ground, pinned beneath Raven, who was pretty much out cold after the tremendous explosion.

It had leveled the entire hospital.

The concrete foundation was all that was left standing.

Kyle remembered a black aura engulfing him and Eric just before the blast.

Raven had saved their lives.

Chaos was nowhere to be seen, which was not surprising.

Where was Eric?

He glanced around best he could, before summoning some of his inner Werewolf strength.

Raven shifted easily to the side and Kyle scrambled to his feet.

He checked her pulse quickly, finding it slow but steady.

Good.

There was no more hospital anymore to help her if she was injured anyway.

Haha.

He was funny sometimes.

He started looking around to see if Eric was laying anywhere.

Not that the tubby boy would be hard to spot.

There was a tree down nearby and he walked up to it, looking for any sign of Eric.

There!

Eric was pinned beneath the tree; it looked like it had landed across his upper body.

He didn't appear to be breathing.

Shit!

Kyle dropped to one knee and slapped Eric's slack face.

"Wake Up Fat Boy!"