Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Leonardo Hamato was not crazy. He wasn’t supposed to be here. Did he look like a crazy person? All he did was down a bottle of aspirin and then chicken out from jumping off a five-story building. He wished he had just taken the leap, but noooooo he had to call his Uncle Hueso because he had second thoughts. Well, now he was having third thoughts, and those thoughts were telling him he should’ve jumped.

But there was nothing Leo could do as he sat in a hospital wheelchair being pushed by a nurse who smelled like cigarettes and sweat. Should nurses even be allowed to smoke? Leo thought they shouldn’t. The two other nurses walking beside him were unremarkable; he’d probably forget about them the moment they disappeared. One had long blonde hair and was a human; the other was a black-and-white lemur. The lemur was carrying a clipboard, while Blondie was carrying a plastic bin full of his stuff.

“This is boring. How long will it be until we get to the loony bin?” Leo knew that was probably an insensitive thing to say, but he was angry, and he knew these nurses wouldn’t laugh at his jokes, if anything his jokes may get him in more trouble.

“Not long now. We’re taking you to the teen unit, so you’ll be with kids your age.”

“Ah yes, because mentally ill teenagers all packed together is an amazing idea.” Leo was lying, he was actually glad he’d be around kids his age and not a bunch of old people with dementia or Alzheimer's. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. The teens would probably be more accepting of him anyway.

“We’re here–” Leo lifted himself from the wheelchair– “Ah- please don’t get up yet.” Leo made a huff of protest before plopping back down, his arms crossed. In front of him was a large half-circular desk protruding from the wall. A handful of nurses sat behind the desk either typing away on laptops or shifting through paperwork.

“I’ve brought a new patient for you.”

“Alright,” the receptionist nurse looked over the desk to glance at the turtle. She smiled at him, he returned it. “What’s your name hun?”

“Lord Farquad,” he said with such confidence the nurse barked out a laugh. Finally, someone appreciates his comedy. The other nurses just glanced at him.

“Leonardo Hamato.” the lemur corrected, looking at her clipboard. The front desk nurse typed on the laptop before her, squinted, then held her hand out for the clipboard. She barely glanced at the paper before typing away again. Meanwhile, Blondie handed Leo’s bin to another nurse, exchanged a few words, and then the other nurse walked away with all his stuff. He stared mournfully, he still couldn’t believe they took his mask.

“Okay thank you, ladies. You can head back now. Do you need his papers back?”

“No her doctor already has a copy of her papers.” Then the nurses were gone and Leo was the only one left in the hall. He was left sitting in an uncomfortable wheelchair and freezing his ass off in his patient scrubs.

“Okayyy… let me submit this… and then I’ll give you a tour. Sound good hun?”

“As good as it can get right now.” Leo shrugged. The lady nodded with genuine understanding.

“Alright, let’s go. You can get out of that wheelchair now unless you’d be more comfortable with me pushing you around.” Leonardo immediately got out of the wheelchair, making the nurse laugh. She seemed friendly and warm, he was glad she wasn’t some strict old decrepit white lady just here for a paycheck.

“I liked your Lord Farquad joke, my youngest kid loves Shrek, she watches it all the time.”

“Your kid has excellent taste.”

The nurse chuckled. She came out from behind the desk and leaned her left elbow on the counter as she talked. “I’m Miss Freya, the Nurse Manager of this unit. You may’ve noticed we took all your clothes and belongings you came in with. Do you know why we do that?” Leo shook his head. “Because your items were deemed dangerous and could be used to hurt yourself and others, or they’re only permitted use for certain occasions or under supervision. I am sorry we had to take your clothes away though, you’ll get some of them back the next day. But we do have grippy socks for you. The patients love these.” she winked as Leo took the socks. Quickly, he slipped them on. They were comfortable. Leo could see why patients loved them. If he got out of here he was buying a shit ton of them.

“Now, this is the front desk, I assume you got that all on your own. Here you’ll get your medication, pick up or drop off items, and sign in or out if you’re ever given permission to go out. Also, we’re here if you have any questions or need anything.” Leo followed Miss Freya as she began to walk down the hallway right of the desk.

“These are the patient rooms and this is the Male Hall. We have large bathrooms at the end of each hall, but each room does have its own smaller bathroom. There’s a pay phone in each hall if you need to call family or friends. Don’t worry you don’t need to actually pay.” 

The hallway was big, it was wide enough to fit cushioned light green chairs placed between some of the doors. The doors themselves were colored a similar green, more mint-toned. The floors were tiled white with congregations of three green tiles spaced around. The off-white white walls were covered in sporadic scratches and stains.

As the teen followed Miss Freya down the hallway someone in one of the rooms opened their door just enough for Leo to see dark green skin and a brown almond-shaped eye. After making eye contact they closed the door with a click.

The two reached the bathroom at the end of the hall, Miss. Freya knocked on the door and unlocked it when there was no response. The bathroom had a toilet with no back, and the lid had been removed. The handrails had metal plates behind them. Next to the toilet was an automatic sink and the mirror above had the words “Fuck this place” written with pink hand soap. 

“These kids.” Freya wiped the writing off with a brown paper towel as Leo looked around. There was a shower to the left with no curtain and a downward-facing shower head with no neck. 

“What’s with the weird shower head?”

“Ah, that’s so kids can’t hang themselves.”

“Oh.”

“Now, showers are only 7 minutes long. And we check in on you at the 2-minute and 5-minute mark. If you’re required a supervisor a nurse will go in with you and watch you, if you have a razor to shave they’ll have to watch you too.”

“If you’re just using the bathroom, first you have to ask a nurse to unlock the door for you, second, if you take longer than 5 minutes we check on you.” Leo nodded to show he understood.

“This hallway right here,” Freya gestured to a hallway left of the bathroom. “Is where you’ll find the seclusion room” The hallway was bare with a single room at the very end of the hallway. The name “seclusion room” terrified him. 

They began to walk back to the front desk.

“The Female Hall is the same, except the hallway on the left leads to the sensory room. Now I saw on your form that you marked Transgender. Unfortunately, we require you to live in the female hallway for, primarily, your safety. Luckily we have a free room that you should hopefully have to yourself.”

“I guess it’s cool. I probably wouldn’t feel safe living with mentally ill cis dudes anyway.” Freya barked out a laugh then said, “Ain't that the truth? Some girls here can be wild too I will tell you that. You don’t need to be scared though hun, the movies rarely portray psych units correctly, it’s usually calm.”

Freya led the way around the corner to the lobby area across from the front desk. Two cushioned benches sat on either side of the elevator he came out of earlier. A pay phone hung next to the hall on his right. 

“On your right is the Intersex Hall. Now in front of us,” Freya continued walking to large double doors across from the front desk. Freya put her key card into a scanner and a click signaled it was unlocked. “Is the Community Room.” The room was big and spacious. In the center of the room was a large, round table with many dark blue chairs tucked under. Smaller, round tables with three chairs each, littered the room. To his left was what looked like a concession stand with a metal cover pulled down so no one could get in. Three large windows on the back wall had black blinds drawn down. On the right wall were three shelves next to each other. Two of the shelves were rectangular and full of books. Between the two shelves was a shorter, wider shelf full of papers, coloring books, puzzle boxes, and stim toys. A large, flat-screen TV was positioned a few feet above the shelves; a square, fuzzy, navy blue carpet lay between the large table and shelf.

“This is where you’ll eat, do group, and just hang out.”

“Group?”

“After you eat, you’ll all gather around at the big table in a group and introduce eachother and talk about something. It can change depending on the nurse and the day, but usually you talk about how you feel.”

“Routine is going to be a big part of your day. A heads up, in the morning they’ll ask you to strip and they’ll check you for new scars, bruises, etc. Like before you were admitted. This part can be traumatizing for patients who weren’t warned beforehand so we try to let all new patients know. I’ll tell you right now it can be very boring in here. I recommend having someone bring in books for you. Here’s your room.”

Leo’s room was the last one down the hall on the right. The door had a window on it with a knob to control the blinds from the outside and inside. “Leonardo Hamato” was written on a small whiteboard next to his door in blue expo marker. Freya unlocked the door and let him open it. As Leo opened the door he noticed the door handles were weird. The handles practically touched the door, Leo assumed this was also so you wouldn’t hang yourself. 

The room was bare and bland. Two beds with no front or back board were pushed into the upper left and right-hand corners. Two-night stands were bolted to the floor next to the beds. To Leonardo's left was a door that he assumed led to the bathroom. A semi-circle desk attached to the wall was on his right, across from the bed.

“The bathroom door has a trigger that will notify us when you open and close it going in, and then when you open and close it going out. If you’re in there for more than 7 minutes we will check on you. There’s help buttons all around the building, and there’s one next to your bed. Press it if you ever need any help.”

“Am I locked in here?”

“Nope, you’re free to walk out of your room if you need to hun, we have night nurses who can watch you if you do. They’re just locked from the outside so other patients can’t get in during the night.”

“Alright.”

“Here are the insomnia meds Miss. Freya.” A purple yokai with long pointed ears and three eyes appeared in the doorway with a tiny cup filled with water and a condiments cup with what Leo assumed were his pills.”

“Thank you, Jamie.”

Leo took his pills and washed them down with the water. After a moment Miss. Freya asked, “Are you okay for me to leave you now hun? Any more questions or are you ready to get some rest?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Alright, remember to come to the front desk if you need anything. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

When the door clicked shut Leo immediately felt isolated and realized the severity of his situation. He’d lost all his freedom. He knew he couldn’t get out until the doctors said he could. He was trapped in a psych ward with mentally ill teenagers. He didn’t belong here. He wasn’t crazy, sure he had severe depression with manic tendencies, anxiety, and insomnia but he’d been living with those since he was twelve, why be put here now? 

The suicide thing wasn’t even that bad. No, he didn’t call his Uncle Hueso in a massive fit of tears and hysteria with an entire bottle of aspirin coursing through his body on the top of a 5 story building, what are you talking about? Tons of teens tried to commit but they didn’t get sent to psych wards, did they? Why him and not some kid who couldn’t pull the trigger on himself? 

Leo thought all of this as he settled down into his new bed, it was strangely comfortable actually, and it wasn’t until his head hit the pillow that he realized how exhausted he truly was. He noticed how his joints ached, how dry and heavy his eyelids were. That was when he realized he hadn’t slept in the last 72 hours. Before he could finish his thoughts about why he absolutely didn’t belong here he was knocked out into a dreamless sleep. He was so desperate for rest didn’t hear the shrieks coming from down the male hall.

Chapter Text

The lights were bright and gave off an irritating hum. Sitting on the edge of a cold check-up bed with paper that crinkled anytime he moved, Leo waited for a doctor. Goosebumps littered his green arms and the smell of rubbing alcohol and sickness filled his nose. Leo had no idea what was going to happen after this. He wished he jumped, he wished he never tried to die at all. The turtle's stomach curled in on itself at the idea of his body being found at the bottom of a building, and at the idea of staying alive. He had no clue what to think. He only became aware of his left leg bouncing up and down once the doctor arrived.

A grey door opened with a click and let in a chilling breeze. Before the door closed Leo caught sight of an old woman in the room across from him. She was well beyond her years with thin pure white hair, her wrinkles held all her memories and life experiences. Her eyes were closed, she seemed at peace. With the only arm she had left, she pulled a chord connected to what? Leo didn’t see. She began coding and the shrill noise was cut off when the door shut.

“Sorry for the wait, I’m Dr. Dromeda.” the doctor was a goat yokai, with dark indigo fur and large yellow eyes. Her horns were short but pointy. “You are?”

“Just call me Hueso,” the skeleton accepted Dr. Dromedas's handshake.

“What’s your relation?”

“He’s my uncle,” Leo answered before Hueso could. He wanted this to be over with as soon as possible.

“Okayyy…” the doctor flipped to a page on her clipboard while taking a seat in front of Leo on a spinning stool. “How are you feeling right now?”

He coughed before answering, “sick… nervous…” Leo’s eyes drifted to a light above him and pinched his face.

“Sick how? Are you feeling any physical pain?” Leo could hear muffled commotion outside, he knew it was doctors and nurses trying to revive the old woman.

“My stomach hurts, I just got it pumped.”

“Mhmmm…” she wrote on her papers before returning to Leo. “What brought you to seek mental health treatment tonight? Why are you here?”

The turtle was hyperaware of his shaking leg, he looked to his Uncle for any sort of guidance. Hueso laid a bony hand on Leo’s shoulder encouraging him to continue with a saddened smile.

“I tried to kill myself… Hueso convinced me to come here.”

“I see… well I’m sorry you went through that, what brought you to choose suicide?”

“I don’t know…” the teen glanced at his Uncle once more to say he didn’t want to be here. Then he glanced at the door. He really didn’t want to be here.

“Were you feeling lonely? Helpless? Guilty?”

“Yes?” Leo's leg bounced faster.

“Yes, to which?” Leo just shrugged. Dr. Dromeda sighed and scribbled on her papers. “Have you ever tried death by suicide in the past?”

“No.” it was second nature at this point, his leg.

“Have you ever had thoughts of suicide before?”

“Yes.” the comforting rhythm was all Leo had.

“How often and for how long did you have these thoughts?”

“I dunno how often, but I think about it for like a week.” faster and faster.

“How long did you have your suicide planned out?”

“Two days.” up and down, up and dow- “Are you having any thoughts or desires of suicide right now?”

Leo spared another look at his Uncle. “Yes.” 

Dr. Dromeda wrote on her paper for a long time after that. Eventually, she flipped a page and Leonardo was asked questions like, “Have you ever been diagnosed, and if yes with what?” “Have you ever received mental health treatment before if yes what was it?” “Have you been depressed? If so how long?” “Have you ever experienced a period where you felt euphoric for no apparent reason? If yes how long did it last?” on and on and on until–

“Okay that’s it, thank you for bearing through this.”

“Thank you, Doctor. Please, what’s the plan now?” Leo’s Uncle begged.

“I highly recommend admitting her to our psychiatric unit, I’m concerned that she’s going to harm herself if there’s no professional supervision or treatment.”

“Are you sure that’s the only way? Are there other options for him? ”

“It’s not the only solution but it’s what I would deem the best course of action for her.”

“Well, how welcoming is this place? Because if his own doctor isn’t even accepting and respecting him I don’t think it will improve my nephew's mental health.”

All Leo could do was sit in the most uncomfortable bed created by man, while his Uncle defended and fought for him. Shaking his leg, it only got faster as time went on. Leo thought about how if this were any other day he'd have said something to Dr. Dromeda by now. He would’ve made a snarky comment or sarcastic joke. But now all he could do was try to listen over the static at what Hueso and Dr. Drameda were discussing. It was kind of difficult because the moment Leo registered there was no longer a commotion outside, his Uncle was suddenly crying and hugging him goodbye. Some nurses ushered him to get into a wheelchair. All he said in protest was, “But there’s nothing wrong with me Hueso,” as a nurse that smelled like cigarettes and sweat tugged on his arm, away from his uncle and into a wheelchair.

Leo was wheeled away and forever imprinted in his mind, was the old woman’s room, empty and cold.

Chapter Text

Leo was up as if he knew a nurse was about to enter his room.

“Great, you're already awake!” It was the Yokai nurse from last night with three eyes and long pointy ears. “Get up, make your bed, then strip.”

Right. Leo forgot about the stripping. Let’s have the mentally ill teenager diagnosed with dysphoria strip! Because that’s a good idea. Despite the mutant not having many defining sex characteristics his discomfort was quite apparent. Which made the nurses and doctors misgendering him all the more frustrating because it was clear they did it on purpose. 

After that harrowing, vulnerable experience, the nurse handed Leo his blue hoodie they’d taken from him last night.

“Where’d the strings go?” He asked after he slipped it on.

“We remove all strings from hoodies, you could choke yourself with them.”

“Ah,” Leo liked his hoodie strings, it gave him something to fidget with.

“Follow me to the showers.”

When he stepped into the hall, he was reminded that he wasn’t the only patient there. The halls that were once barren now held a line of eight girls waiting their turn for the shower. A couple turned their heads and acknowledged the new patient. One girl with a crooked nose and sunken eyes stared Leo down until he made it to the end of the line.

The nurse handed Leonardo a soft, cream-colored towel and walked to the end of the hall.

The longer he waited in line the more Leo felt out of place. Some girls only seemed to actually notice him once they got out of the shower and gave him puzzling looks.

Finally, he was the second to last. He needed a warm shower. Once it was open the girl in front of him with incredibly long hair whipped around and looked him in the eye.

“Dirty whore!” she yelled then shut herself in the bathroom.

Leo just stared at the spot she stood in, mouth ajar and eyes wide. The nurse doing checks chuckled. Leo could tell this was going to be a long day.

To Leo’s immense disappointment, the shower was not warm. It was bordering on lukewarm but not quite there yet and that bothered him way more than it should have. The water pressure wasn’t enjoyable either, it was but a trickle to him.

Leo was prepared for the 2-minute check but at the 5-minute mark, he almost slipped with a yelp that others most definitely heard.

As the turtle left the bathroom damp and clean the girl who called him a whore made eye contact with him. She flipped him the bird which he gladly returned. Whether it was genuine or light-hearted was up for debate.

Leo joined the hap-hazard line around the front desk. Leo watched the patients before him give the nurses their names and then receive their medication. They showed the nurses their tongues to prove they’d swallowed the pills.

“Leonardo Hamato.” A nurse with tan skin and a very tight bun looked at something under the desk he couldn’t see. While he waited he spotted Miss. Freya in the back, they shared smiles.

“Here you are,” 

Leo looked inside the little cup, these were all the meds he already took, except a new one he didn’t recognize.

“What’s this one?” He asked, holding it up to the nurse. She looked at something before answering, “Halcion.”

“And it does….?”

“It can help with suicidal thoughts and anxiety.”

Leo gave the medication a look before begrudgingly taking it. Even though he’d been swallowing medication for years he never grew accustomed to how the pills and tablets were just big enough that it was uncomfortable to swallow them.

As he gulped down the last pill he turned around, drink still to his lips. A handful of patients stared at him. He finished the water before wiping his mouth and saying, “What?” Most of the patients went back to their business, others kept staring, and some mumbled to one another.

Leonardo sat against the wall under one of the big windows, whose blinds were now open and letting in an abundance of natural sunlight. Every table was occupied and he did not have enough effort to try and socialize.

Two nurses came in with a stack of paper menus and passed them around. When a nurse approached him, she asked, “Don’t you want to sit at a table? It might be more comfortable.”

“No, I like the floor”

“Bu–”

“That kid’s on the floor too. Why can he sit on the floor but I can't?” Leo gestured to a cat yokai, a Siamese short-hair, with burns all over their arms. They were sitting close to the carpet clapping their hands and closing their eyes.

“He shouldn’t be sitting there either actually. Sally! Help take care of Julie, while I take care of…”

“Leo.”

“Leo, please.” The other nurse, Sally, quickly went to Julie's side and coaxed him to the nearest table.

“Now please take a seat.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s unsanitary and we encourage new patients to make connections with other patients, having friends is important here.”

“Does anyone want to be my friend and sit on the floor with me then?” Leo called out to the community room. His words echoed off the walls. A long pause occurred before someone stood up. Leo was honestly surprised. Someone with long black hair and a somewhat large nose walked over and plopped, criss-cross, next to him. The nurse sighed and handed Leo a menu and a red stubbed crayon.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. I’m Casey Jones.”

“Leonardo Hamato.” Leo looked over the paper menu. Options for breakfast, lunch, and dinner were all on the menu. Leo heard of this briefly somewhere; in the mornings you picked what you had for the whole day. All the options looked kind of gross.

“Which of these is the least disgusting?”

“Surprisingly the eggs and sausage. It’s also the least amount of food so you eat less if you want to. Oh yeah, pizza’s the best choice for lunch! It’s what everyone gets.”

“Thanks, broham.”

As the nurse gathered their menus and crayons Casey spoke up. “I didn’t see you in the shower line... or any of the rooms in Male Hall, can I ask why? Are you intersex or something?”

For some reason, Leo liked that Casey assumed he was intersex. 

“No, I’m in the Female Hall.”

“Ahhh, okay. I have a cousin like you, only she’s the opposite.”

“Trans fem?”

“Yep, something like that,” Casey made a motion like he was shoving something away from his shoulder.

“Hey, can I ask what’s with the chick with long hair?” 

Casey laughed. “That’s Celest. She has Tourettes. Let me guess she called you… a dirty whore?”

“She called me a dirty whore,” Casey laughed even louder. “She also stuck me the middle finger.”

“That one’s not a tic, that’s all Celest.”

“Well, then that makes me feel better about flipping her back!”

“Good! That’s how you get on her good side. Shows her you match her sense of humor.”

“Here you go.” A nurse handed the two teens their meals. Suddenly a red yokai with bat wings and large yellow eyes slammed his hands on a table and stood up.

“ Fuck you, Casey! You’re the reason we have plastic utensils again! ” Casey stood up immediately, Leo could tell he was assessing everything, preparing himself for something. Jalma started stalking toward the human boy before a nurse intervened. One stood on standby near Casey waiting for him to make a move. Casey stood in the same defensive position, never breaking his eyes away from Jalma until he was back in his seat and calmed down.

“What the hell was that about?”

“I snuck a fork from dinner and stabbed my shoulder. I overestimated my strength and it actually broke skin.”

“Were you not trying to break skin?”

“No, I just wanted an indent that would’ve been gone in the morning.”

“Ah,” they ate the rest of their breakfast in silence.

Once all the plates had been gathered everyone made their way to the big table.

“Okay, let's get this bitch over with.” Casey cracked his knuckles before taking a seat. Leo sat next to him.

“Welcome back to Group everyone, I’m Nurse Gaison–”

“More like Gay for deez nuts!” shouted a human boy with a buzz. Some of the other patients giggled. One patient cackled.

“Mark, it doesn't get any funnier the more you say it. Now first up, we have a new patient, I’m sure quite a few of you have noticed. They’ll introduce themselves once it’s their turn. First, we’ll go around the circle, share our names, share how we feel currently and how we feel the day will go. Who wants to start us off?”

“Me! Me! Meeee!”

“Start us off, Freda.”

“I am Freda Frole–” said a human girl with dyed red hair, “Right now I feel like I want to run around and climb the walls.”

“So energetic, you might say?”

“Yes! And… I feel the day will go slow like it always does.”

“Thank you, Freda.”

Then it was Leonardo’s turn all too soon. “Before you start, since you’re new I want you to tell us how old you are and your impressions of this place so far.”

“I’m Leonardo Hamato, 17, and this place seems isolating, but hey, I hear you guys have some good Pizza! Right now I feel tired as shit, and I think today is going to suck.” His introduction won a few snaps of approval and a “preach!” from one of the patients.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Once Group was over everyone was free to do whatever they desired, there was an animal drawing workshop you could join, and The Lion King was playing on the TV.

“So what do you normally do here Casey Jones?” Leo asked as they left the community room.

“Call me Casey and–” He did the shoulder thing again. “I find people who want to play cards with me. Then we play. Until we get bored, or too angry. Then I find something else to do.”

“Yo Julie, you wanna play a game of BS?” Casey leaned in the doorframe of Julie's room. He shook his head and resumed reading his book.

“Oh, I know who’ll want to play! Yo Raphael!” Casey approached a large turtle yokai, a lot like Leo. He was very spiky and wore red shoulder and knee pads.

“What’s up little man?”

“Up for some BS?” Casey held up the stack of cards for emphasis.

“Always! Hey, you’re Leonardo right?”

“Leo’s fine.”

“I like ya hoodie.”

“Thanks, I like your pads.” The large turtle gave a grin.

Eventually, Leo was sitting at one of the smaller tables with Casey, Raphael, a blue-skinned duck yokai named Sammy, and the deez nuts guy whose name was Mark, but swore everyone called him M Double D”

“So you’re new huh Leo?” Raphael asked. 

“Yep.”

“Have you been to a place like this before?”

“No, it's my first time.”

“Ayy we got a virgin!” Mark playfully punched Leo in the arm. “It sucks here man.”

“He’s right, it gets boring a lot here,” Sammy said. “Two, tens”

“BS! Sammy, I call Bullshit!” Sammy turned her cards over with a grin and Mark took the pile of cards mumbling curses under his breath.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Boring it got indeed. They’d finished BS long ago, Sammy and Mark left to do their own things so it was just Leo, Casey, and Raph.

“Hey Raph, have you seen Mikey? I thought he’d be doing the art workshop.”

“Haven’t seen ‘im. I think he’s still in his room.”

“You heard him scream last night right?” Casey asked, leaning backward in his chair. Meanwhile, Leonardo leaned forward, interested in the conversation.

“Yeah. Kept me up almost the whole night. At least I didn’t get nightmares ‘cause I was awake.”

“Wonder what it was about. You think it was the PTSD?”

“Case, you know I don’t like making assumptions about that stuff.” Raph leaned back and crossed his arms.

The three teens sat in boredom yet again, all looking up at the high ceiling in the clean and stale air. 

“ Dirty Whore! ”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Finally, it was lunchtime. Leo sat at a table with Casey and Raph. The pizza wasn’t bad for hospital food. Maybe a little too greasy but Leo had worse.

“You need to eat.”

“You don’t understand. ”

The commotion at a nearby table caught the red-eared slider's attention.

“Please. You don’t have to eat all of it. What if you just leave the crust?”

“ No. I’m not eating any of this!” A rabbit yokai with white fur was arguing with a nurse. Leo could only see him from the back.

“Why not, Yuichi?”

“Someone poisoned it.”

“What makes you think someone poisoned your pizza?”

“I’m mentally ill. A retard . Who knows what fascists work here that want to eradicate my existence!”

“Yuichi, you know the r slur is unacceptable here.”

“Who cares, my pizza is contaminated. I saw them put something into my pizza while making it!”

“I promise it is not poisoned, no one is trying to poison you. It’s okay, I need you to eat the pizza.”

“ You’re in on it aren’t you? ”

“Now what makes you think that?”

“You’re trying really hard to make me eat my pizza. That’s suspicious. Nurse! I need a nurse–”

“Yuichi no! I am not trying to kill you! What I’m trying to do is to get you to eat perfectly normal food so you stay healthy and don’t starve.”

“Who’s the rabbit kid that thinks he’s being poisoned?” Leo asked.

“That’s Yuichi Usagi. He’s been here a while, longer than me, which is saying something. He’s got extreme paranoia. Paranoid Personality Disorder I think? He was also addicted to Heroin. I think that’s what made him paranoid.” Casey took a bite out of his pizza like it was common to say a 17-year-old used to be addicted to Heroin.

“You’re not any better Casey Jones. You’ve had moments of paranoia too.”

“Why are you here Casey?” Leo asked, now that the topic had come up.

“I have Schizophrenia, I experienced a really bad episode and I was so tired of it all that I tried to jump off a bridge onto a highway. But this old lady saw me and saved me. One thing led to another and now I’m here.”

“Holy shit.”

“The shit is holy indeed.” Casey joked. “Raph you wanna share why you’re so fucked up?” Raph thought for a moment before answering.

“I have Autophobia, I’m terrified of being alone. I was left alone for too long and started goin’ crazy. In my breakdown, I didn’t recognize my mom and attacked her. She stopped me and she took me here.” Leo was silent. He couldn’t imagine going so crazy he’d actually hurt people he loved so much.

“Your turn, newbie. What’d you do? What do you have?”

“Depression with manic tendencies, I took an entire bottle of aspirin and was going to jump off a building. I chickened out and I called someone close. They had me come here.”

“Damn.”

“I wish I jumped not gonna lie. Then I wouldn’t be stuck in this stupid place.”

“Hey don’t say that Leo,” Raph said leaning further onto the table. “This place sucks, but you gotta get better. You have the potential to recover.”

“Some will either die in here or die out there after leaving,” Casey added.

“Don’t be either of those. Make some friends and try to improve.”

“Well, you guys are my friends right?”

“Of course man, us mental kids gotta stick together.” Leo experienced his first genuine smile since being in the ward.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The rest of the day was boring, with the occasional tic or compulsion from a patient, but the rest of the day was slow. Turns out you kind of get used to being surrounded by crazy teenagers.

Toward the end of the day before dinner, Leo retreated to his room to try and nap. It was proving difficult when a nurse came in saying “Check” every 5 minutes. Could they at least be longer? After the 6th check, Leo decided to go back outside. Luckily it was dinner time.

Dinner was unremarkable. No one had anything to say to each other. When dinner was over everyone made their way to their rooms to prepare for bed. A nurse followed Leo and handed him a hospital toothbrush with hard bristles and hospital toothpaste that was strangely sweet. The nurse watched him as he methodically brushed his teeth.

Leo rolled his eyes. Did they really think he was going to kill himself with a toothbrush? Leo paused for a second and looked at the toothbrush in his hand. His throat clamped up at the thought of choking himself with it… he shook his head and coughed. Death by toothbrush was lame anyway.

He handed back the toothbrush and toothpaste, the nurse gave him a longer stare than normal before exiting the bathroom. She returned 5 minutes later with Leo’s medication. He swallowed the pills and collapsed into bed. The door closed with the click he was all too familiar with now. The lights turned off and his eyes quickly adjusted to the darkness. The lights from the lobby gave some light through the door window. 

Despite his insomnia medication, he was finding it hard to sleep. He was exhausted, he just wanted to sleep. And the goddamn 5-minute checks didn’t help either. Fuck he hated this boring stale place. It pressed into his entire body, the feeling of being trapped in a routine he’d barely started. Everything was going to be the same thing every day until he got out. He didn’t know when that’d be. How’d they even know if he was better? He was better now, a nurse should come in and tell him he’s free to go. Fuck he hated this. The smell of disinfectant and dust at the same time. The smell of depression and hopelessness was marinated into the walls and floors. Maybe if he just killed himself now it’d all go away. Maybe if he just tried to and they caught him they’d see that this place wasn’t helping him. Yeah, that might work. This place doesn’t help, it makes it worse. Why has no one realized this?

Leo sat up with his realization. This place doesn’t help people. It just makes them worse, forcing them into routine and making them follow stupid rules. No wonder he was so fucking depressed right now. Leo had to tell everyone. Well, not the nurses. They’d probably try to shut him down. But he had to tell the others. Fuck, Leo was so proud of himself that he’d cracked the mystery.

The turtle stayed up all night mulling over the specifics, his reasoning, shifting through the evidence he’d gathered in his head, he was too excited to give everyone his newfound information. He was angry too, that no one had realized this and put a stop to it. He learned to ignore the checks.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The lights turned on and temporarily blinded him. He got out of bed knowing what was coming. He made his bed quickly and he was ready to strip when the nurse came in.

“What are these?” asked the three-eyed nurse.

“Hm?” Leo looked over to where she was gesturing. His right hand and wrist had small bruises and marks. “Dunno.” the turtle shrugged. This was true, he didn’t know where those marks came from.

“Leo, were you pinching yourself last night?”

Leo hummed in thought. “I don’t remember.” The nurse looked at him with a worried face, but Leo still smiled. He was too giddy today.

“Alright, well, get in line for the showers. You have a meeting with a psychiatrist today at 2 pm.”

“Yes ma’am!” Leo gave a salute before putting his hoodie back on and stepping outside. He inhaled the stale, depressing air. This place doesn’t make anyone better, it makes them worse. He thought with an odd smile on his face.

When he got into the bathroom after Celest called him a dirty whore again, he realized how much the water tickled. It made him giggle. He took the body wash and squirted it into his hand. He noticed the way the body wash poured into his hand in little swirls and was mesmerized by how the soap piled up.

“Check.” the door opened and Leo jumped, he made a moment of eye contact with the nurse before avoiding it and then returning to his shower. He took the large puddle of soap in his hand and resumed washing himself. He cleaned the soap off his body and remembered that he was supposed to be thinking about his realization. He stood underneath the water as he thought, mumbling them out loud. He had to tell someone. There was no possibility he could keep this to himself. But not the nurses. Don’t tell the nurses.

“They’ll shut me down. The nurses will shut me down. I need to tell Casey. This is so genius, it’s so genius!” Leo paused. The water had a shift in temperature. It became warmer but just barely. Leo was happy, he hated the borderline lukewarm showers and now it was warm. He needed a warm shower.

“Check”

“The water’s warm.”

“What?”

“The water got warmer! Isn’t that awesome? The water here is kind of cold. I'm glad it’s warmer now. Is this the 5-minute check?”

“Yeah..”

“Oh okay. I’m done, I can get out early, right? Cause I’m done with my shower. I don’t have anything to do.”

“Yeah, you can get out.”

“Alright, thanks, bro.” The nurse closed the door slowly to give Leo privacy. Leo dried himself off with the soft towel and threw on his hoodie.

He walked out of the bathroom and made his way to get his medication. His stupid medication, this routine’s not helping anybody.

Leo took the pills from the nurse and remembered he had a new medication. What was it called again? Halsin? Halion? Halucion? Hallucinations. Casey has those, right? Casey the schizophrenic. Leo couldn’t imagine having to see and hear things that weren’t there. He’d probably kill himself. That’s what Casey did. At least he tried to. Tried to kill himself. Hallucinations must be crazy. 

“Halcion! That’s what it’s called!” Leo said out loud. A few patients looked at him, the nurses too. Some looked at him like he was crazy. That was ironic. Leo giggled a bit before taking his pills. Oh yeah, Casey! Leo had to find him so he could tell him about what he discovered. Casey was going to be amazed, maybe they could gather some sort of union? Escape or something. The elevator was right there. Leo found Casey sitting underneath the window where they sat yesterday.

“Casey!” The black-haired teen looked up from the floor and smiled as Leo jogged over. “Hey Casey– ooh the floors are really nice!” Leo said as he sat down. The floor was cool on his green skin. Leo pressed a hand onto the floor before remembering he had to regale Casey with his information.

“Casey!”

“That’s my name.”

“I think I figured something out. I’m pretty much a genius. I don’t know how no one else figured this out.”

“Okay? What did you find out?”

“Alright get ready, get ready. You ready?” Casey nodded. “This place doesn’t help people. It’s supposed to but it doesn’t, it just makes us more depressed.” Leo laughed, his eyes gleaming.

“What do y–”

“They give us this boring routine, do you know how many people hate routine? An endless cycle of everything being the same, that’s so terrifying. No wonder I wanted to choke myself with a toothbrush last night.”

“Leo you–”

“Oh yeah so last night I was brushing my teeth and I was annoyed that the nurse was watching me. Watching me brush my teeth like I was going to kill myself with it. Which is a totally lame way to go. But then I thought that If I wanted to I could jam it down my throat and let myself choke to death. I didn't though because I’m still here. What was I talking about?” Leo paused.

“Leo you wanted to kill yourself your last night? That’s not–”

“Yeah, I did! But isn’t this place supposed to make me not want to do that? See? That’s why this place doesn’t work. I feel more depressed than ever. Well except for right now, I actually feel good right now. It’s like I’m high. Have you ever been high Casey? I got high on weed once, more than once. Shrooms too.”

“Leo calm down!”

“If this place is supposed to help then how come I’m not getting better? You’ve been here forever, they haven’t let you out because they still think you’re not okay. But you’re not okay because this place is making you that way. It’s making me that way too.”

“Here are your menus.”

“Oh thank you.” Leo waited for the nurse to walk away.

“Leo you need to—”

“I can’t tell the nurses. They’ll shut me down. Maybe they’re in on something. No, I think they just don’t know nothing works. Oh, my crayon's blue! I love blue. I used to have a blue mask but they took it away because I could hang myself. Which is dumb because I wouldn’t. Well maybe…”

“ LeoWhyDon’tYouOrderYourBreakfast! ” Casey interrupted. He didn’t like this. 

“What? Oh yeah, food!” Leo was silent as he circled the food he wanted. As he circled what he wanted for dinner he realized how much he loved making the circular motion with his crayon. He started drawing spirals over and over.

“Okay, Leo stop!” Casey grabbed his hand and made Leo face him, Leo chuckled a little before asking, “Casey what’s wrong?”

“Leo, you're acting crazy. You won’t stop talking, and why are you happy about thinking this place doesn’t help?”

“It’s Mania.” Both teens looked up to see a white rabbit yokai approaching them. 

“Holy fuck you’re pretty,” Leo said with an unbelievably huge smile on his face. The rabbit stopped, surprised by his comment. Leo was mesmerized. His fur was practically glowing and his eyes were such a sharp red it was amazing. His eyes were shaped like perfect almonds. And his ears were held up with a blue scrunchy. Leo was overwhelmed with admiration and beauty.

“Thanks?”

“What’d you say about mania Yuichi?”

“He’s experiencing mania. I’ve seen it once before. Fast speech, obsessed with something, easily distracted…”

“I’m not fucking manic. I’ve been manic before. Episodes of mania make me angry. I’m not angry, I’m feeling amazing. I feel high. Have you ever been high?” 

“You’ve asked that already.”

“I did?”

“I know what it’s like to be high, turtle boy.”

“Good, 'cause that’s what I feel like. I was talking about something important. What was it?” Leo turned back to Casey for an answer.

“You were acting insane , and were going on about how this place doesn’t do anything.”

“Because it doesn’t! I’ve been telling you! The endless routine, and strict rules, can’t you smell the hopelessness that surrounds this place? Being surrounded by crazy and sad teenagers doesn’t exactly boost your mood and I still w–”

“Leo, this is only your second day! What is this? I thought you were chill but you’re acting crazy about some theory. ”

Those words hit Leo in the face so hard that he felt his cheeks get hot. Anger quickly bubbled and filled him up. Crazy? Leo wasn’t crazy. He’s been saying that from day one!

“It’s not a theory. Casey it’s so simple and obvious I–”

“Leo stop! You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve been here for six months. I’ve improved so much. When I first came here I was so skinny and depressed out of my mind. I wouldn’t stop hurting myself, they had to tackle me and put me in seclusion all the time. They had to sedate me once. Leo, this place does help. And you’re scaring me. Why are you happy about this theory?”

“I’ve been–” Yuichi tried to back up Casey but was quickly interrupted.

“Well, I’m not happy anymore. I’m fucking upset. Why don’t you believe me? It makes so much sense! You’ve been here so long you’ve lost sense of reality! This place makes us worse .” Leo was standing up now, and Casey followed suit. Yuichi just stood there not knowing what to do. He’d seen mania before but he was young.

“No Leo, I know what losing sense of reality is. And that’s what you’re doing.” 

Leo let out a cry of frustration. “How would you know? Casey Jones. The schizophrenic. For all you know, you’re hallucinating me! Those voices in your head telling you to kill me yet? Maybe to kill yourself to make this stop?”

“Hey!” Yuichi spoke up.

“ You’re all fucking blind! Can’t you see this place does nothing? ” Leo was oblivious to the nurses now approaching him.

“Leo...” Casey grabbed hold of the turtle's arm. Leo quickly drew it away.

“ Don’t fucking touch me!”

Nurses were quick to try and calm him down. Not yet touching him, but when one of the nurses touched his shoulder he made a break for it. 

“ NO LET GO OF ME!! ” Two nurses held his arms and one was holding his torso, trying to get him onto the ground. “ You fuckwads get off of me!” Leo managed to kick the nurse holding his torso and tore away from the other two. He didn’t know where he was going to go. Leo made it to the lobby when a large wolf yokai tackled him before he could press the elevator button. Another nurse came too, this one was human. “ LET ME GO! ”

“What’s going on?” It was Miss. Freya's voice.

“Mania, Miss. Freya.” Fucking snitch. Leo thought once Yuichi called him out. 

“He keeps talking about how this place is–”

“ BULLSHIT! IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING! ”

“Sedate him. He needs to be calm.”

“NO! NO! YOU’RE NOT INJECTING ME WITH SHIT! ” He writhed and writhed underneath the large nurses. He could feel bruises on his wrists and arms already forming. Then he felt a prick in his neck. “ NO! STOP!! WHAT DID YOU PUT IN ME?!” Leo kept screaming till his throat was raw. All he wanted to do was get out of here. He needed to leave. It wasn’t very long until it was hard for him to keep screaming and fighting. His arms were flowing with lead and his lids were proving difficult to keep open.

“No stop... Stop! Let me go! Stop it.. Stop..”

Chapter Text

Leonardo woke up to the sound of a door opening with a creak. His eyelids were heavy, and his limbs were made of lead. The first thing he saw was white. Just white. Then blue. Then green, the green tiles of the floor outside, and then the green of his leathery skin. He realized there was someone in front of him. He looked up, his eyes half open. It was Miss Freya.

“Hey Leo, how ya doin’?” Leo grunted as he sat up. He looked around. He was in a small room with off-white walls. He was sitting on a white mattress with grey stripes. The walls had scratches, peeled paint, and stains that Leo hoped weren’t any type of bodily fluids.

“What is this... Where am I?”

“You’re in the seclusion room. We put patients here for acting out so they can calm down in where we know they won't harm anyone or themselves.”

“What the fuck,” was all Leo could say. He wanted to say more, but he was just so tired.

“You experienced a manic episode and were attempting to run away, we had to sedate you.”

“There's no way that was a manic episode. I’ve been manic before, and I get angry. I felt, actually, kind of awesome… well, then I got angry.”

“Mania can be a good experience for some. I don’t remember the medical term. Your therapist can probably tell you.”

“And how long do I have to stay in here?”

“Till your meeting with your psychiatrist. It’s at 1 p.m. It’s currently 11 a.m.”

“Oh fuck me…”

“Sorry, hun.” The door closed with a click heavier than the ones he was accustomed to. Leo stood up and walked to the door. It had a small window close to the top that he could peer out of. Not much to see, just a long, stretched out hall with green walls and white tiles. Leo sat back onto the mattress and hugged his knees to his chest, trying to remember all the details of his supposed Manic Episode.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

“Pssst. Leo!” the turtle's head shot up. He could see Casey's face in the window.

“Casey!” The two teens were face to face now.

“You doing okay? I’ve been in seclusion a few times, the first time is always really hard.”

“I’m okay. It’s kind of boring here.”

“Yeah, that’s what this whole place is. Just boring.”

“Hey, Case… I’m really sorry.” Leo was usually great at apologizing; this place really was getting to him, huh? “For what happened. I don’t remember much, but I know I definitely said some things to you that were not okay. Think you can forgive me?”

“Yeah, man, of course. We all have moments like that. Shit knows I have. That was crazy, though. I’d never seen someone experience Mania. Shit someone’s coming– see you, Leonardo!”

“Bye..” Leo gave a small wave to the teen who was speeding away. Then he saw another figure at the end of the hall. It was Yuichi. They caught each other's eyes and maintained eye contact for a moment. Leo frowned, then said, “ Snitch.” Yuichi only walked away. 

He immediately felt bad. Leo always had a thing about snitches, but he still had this… feeling about the rabbit boy. Was he really crushing while in a psych ward? Maybe he was crazy.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The seclusion room was both Leo’s heaven and Leo’s hell. He enjoyed the silence, it gave him time to think without being interrupted by checks. Now the nurses just looked through the window. This place made him feel strangely calm. But the idea of not knowing what’s going on outside, missing things, and the feeling of being stuck is what made this hell.

While in the seclusion room, Leo had wept, giggled, paced, and talked to himself. Leo counted every stripe on the mattress and every scrape and stain on the walls. 

Casey and Raph came to visit a few times for barely two minutes. This place was driving him insane, but at least it calmed him from going genuinely crazy again. While in this hell of a room, he heard a distant scream. The turtle got up and peeped through the window despite the emptiness. He could hear the heavy steps of nurses running. Leo wondered what happened when they had to put two people in seclusion.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The door opened again, a human handed him a slice of greasy pizza on a paper plate.

“Thanks, bro,” Leo said as he took the plate. The turtle ate in silence, and when he was done, he knocked on the door to signal that he was finished. The nurse took his plate and walked away. His stomach was full, but he still felt empty.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

“Could you expand on that?”

Leo groaned. His psychiatrist had asked him to “expand on that” for the fourth time now. 

Leo was finally let out of seclusion when it was time for his appointment. He was extremely relieved to be out of there and back to the psych unit society. But now he was feeling arguably worse than he did in seclusion. He hated his psychiatrist, Dr. Sal. He was a slim, grey owl yokai with small horns and four thin but large black eyes. His eyes were further magnified by his circular glasses that rested on his beak. His voice was almost monotone, and it seemed like he didn’t know how to hold a conversation or ask follow-up questions, so he just stuck with, “What do you mean?” and “Could you expand on that?”

“I mean that I’ve been manic before. Whenever I do I’m angry, not happy. Miss Freya said mania can be a happy experience, but I have no idea what she means.”

“Well, Mania can often show as anger, most patients I’ve talked to who experience mania are angry and irritable. However, mania can be a happy, even euphoric experience. It could be a new environment that caused a shift in the type of mania you had.”

“I guess. I became angry in the end, though. I had to be put in seclusion.”

“Do you know what may have triggered your manic episode? Or past manic episodes?”

Leo shrugged. “Stress? I dunno.”

“Can you expand on that?” 

Leo groaned. “I just said I don’t know. My other manic episodes happened ‘cause I was stressed out or some big thing happened.”

“Hmmmm.” 

Leo's eyes widened.  “Are you saying that because this was such a big change for me that it triggered my mania?” asked the red-eared slider. The psychiatrist nodded.

“Being admitted into a psychiatric unit is a massive change, and is almost always traumatizing the first time. Being put into a new environment after the traumatic moment of attempted suicide is very shocking.”

“Yeah, no shit. You don’t have to tell me twice.” Leo leaned back, folding his arms.

“Speaking of suicide.”

Shit.

“In your files and reports, I read that you attempted. Do you think you could tell me about your attempt?”

“Why should I tell you, I know the method is written down there.”

“Is it?” Dr. Sal flashed a smirk.

Leo rolled his eyes before answering. “I downed a bottle of aspirin, then climbed a random building so I could jump. But I chickened out last minute and called my Uncle.”

“What were you thinking while attempting your suicide?”

“That I wanted to kill myself. What else do people think?”

“That they're useless, or that death would free them from the pressures or difficult things in life.”

“Well, I was just thinking about killing myself. Simple as shit.” Leo wasn’t ready to unpack that bag of feelings. Not in a million years.

The owl sighed before shifting the topic. “Your uncle? Would this be your Uncle Hueso? He’s listed as one of your emergency contacts.” Leo nodded. “Is he important to you?”

Leo swallowed a dry lump in his throat. “Yeah. I’m close with my uncle. He’s helped me through lots. And makes really good pizza.” Leo chuckled. The psychiatrist said nothing, so Leo filled the silence.

“I’m worried he’s disappointed in me. I know he’s not, but I can’t help but think he is. I feel like all he knows of me is my mental issues. I think that’s what most people know. Like it's all I am.”

“What do you mean?”

“When I talk to people, it’s about my problems, I don’t like talking about them. I blow it off with jokes. Almost everyone has a look on their face when talking to me. Like all they’re thinking is how sad my life was. Right now, it seems like that’s all there is to talk about. I wonder if- if this place does fix me if I’ll have anything worthy of myself to talk about. Anything to be proud or ashamed of.”

There was a long pause before the psychiatrist spoke up.

“Well, Leonardo. The place alone cannot fix you, you have to put in the effort to fix yourself. Along with the word fix. Do you think that your mental illnesses are something that needs to be cured or fixed?”

“I guess. But you can’t really cure depression or mania, can you?”

“No, you cannot, Leonardo. That’s why the goal of the psych ward is to make sure your symptoms and mental state are manageable enough that you can re-enter society knowing you won't hurt yourself or others. It’s not to cure you. Your mental illness will always be something that is a part of you.”

“Wow. That’s so reassuring.” Leo deadpanned. But he understood. This was something he’d have to live with, he wouldn’t be able to make it go away. Somehow, that thought was a comfort.

“Is it bad that I think it’s good that this will stick with me? As much as I just complained about it.”

“Not necessarily. Many individuals find comfort in knowing that something will always stay consistent about them. Some find their mental illnesses and disorders empowering. In your case do you think it’s because you’ll still have that part of your identity?”

“I think so.”

“You said you think your depression and mania are all there is to you as a person?” Leo nodded. “Well, Leo, what’s your favorite food?”

“Pizza.”

“Mm. Do you have a favorite color? Or favorite movie?”

“Blue and Jupiter Jim Seven Galaxies.”

“Do you have any special interests?”

“Lou Jitsu, Jupiter Jim, Ninjitsu, swordsmen ship.”

“Would you say all of those are parts of your identity?”

“You’re telling me that those are things that make up my identity other than my mental illness?” Dr. Sal nodded.

“When there’s something big going on in our life and it’s very apparent it’s all we focus on and we forget we have other important details about ourselves and our lives. Especially when it’s a negative aspect. This is called Selective Abstraction, it’s a type of Cognitive Distortion. Selective Abstraction is when we take a piece of negative information, event, etcetera, out of context and focus on that instead of the rest of the positive information or events that occurred in the context.”

Leo squinted, desperately trying to make sense of the fancy words he had just heard.

“It’s like if you did a project and you get lots of compliments, but someone points out a small mistake, and then that mistake is all you can think about instead of all the compliments.”

“Oh.”

“I think it might be healthy for you to find positive things happening around you, inside you, or things you like when you find yourself focusing on something negative. I think upping your dose of Risperdal and Lamictal is also a step we should take. It should help stabilize your moods and keep episodes of mania at bay. Remember, manic episodes can still happen when under medication, and feelings of depression may still come up. 

“I see here that you harmed yourself last night, and considered suicide again?”

“Ah, I-” Leo didn’t have an excuse for that. He might’ve when he was manic but now he realized that his reasoning wasn’t very solid. “Yeah. Apparently, I pinched myself? I didn’t notice. I thought it was dumb that the nurses had to watch me brush my teeth like I was going to kill myself with it. Then I realized I could stick the toothbrush down my throat and choke on it if I really wanted. I thought that committing suicide would mean I wouldn’t be here anymore, and then I thought that if the nurses caught me, then they’d realize this place doesn’t help me, and they’d let me go. But I know that’s not how it works.” 

“Did you think about committing suicide at any other point during your stay so far?”

“I said that I wished I jumped so I wouldn’t be in this boring place. But Raph told me not to think like that, and I have a lot more potential to get better than some of the others.”

“He’s right. I see a lot of potential in you to recover. Many of the other patients I see I worry they won’t, or it will take a long time and lots of effort.”

Leo sat in silence.

“You can get better, Leonardo, you just have to try. And I’m glad you’re making friends, having friends here is very important to your mental health.”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Leo thought about his meeting with Dr. Sal as he walked toward the community room. Today's workshop was bracelet making and the movie Barbie and the Diamond Castle was playing on the TV. Don’t ask Leo how he knows it’s that specific movie.

He spotted Raph and Casey making bracelets and talking to another patient sitting between them. It was a short turtle yokai like Leo and Raph. How many turtle yokai are mentally ill? Leo thought jokingly. 

“What’s up, amigos ?” Leo said, sitting next to Casey. 

“Hey, Leo, welcome back to society. This is Mikey.”

“Heyyy!” Mikey said cheerfully. He waved before putting more transparent orange beads on his bracelet. Mikey had darker green skin than he and Raph, and was a lot shorter, too. His head was round. He had orange-yellow spots on his shoulders. His plastron had two colorful stickers plastered on them.

“What’s up! I’m Leo.”

“I like your markings, Leo!”

“Thanks, nice stickers.” The four teens made bracelets in silence before Mikey spoke up again. 

“So you’re new here, Leo?”

“Yeah. I’m guessing you’re not, but I haven’t seen you around.”

“Yeahhh, I was in my room for a little while.” Mikey chuckled.

Leo wanted to ask why, but he knew Mikey was the one who supposedly screamed some nights ago, so he thought it might be a touchy subject. “So, Leo, what’d you do for fun?”

“Oh! I like swords. I own an Odachi, and I have katanas. Well, I did.”

“Awesome! Not to brag or anything, but I had nunchucks and a kusari-fundo~”

“Ohhh sick!”

“I had a pair of tonfa and sai,” Raph spoke up, “Case had a hockey stick.”

“Awesome! Do you guys like to skateboard?”

“Did it all the time before here, baby!” Mikey said. Raph nodded in agreement. Casey just shrugged.

“Okay, what about Jupiter Jim? Have ya ever heard of him?”

“ Have I heard of Jupiter Jim? Uhhh, I’m only his biggest fan!” The other teens cheered as they discovered another fan.

“Okay, okay. Opinions on Lou Jitsu?” Casey asked.

“I love Lou Jitsu! I’ve seen all his movies!” Another cheer arose from the teens. 

“What about Pizza, Mikey?”

“Only get the best mystic pizza from Run of the Mill!” Casey and Raph nodded in agreement.

“Run of the Mill? Bros, my uncle owns and runs the place!”

“ No way?!” The other three shouted, which earned shushes from two nurses.

“Yeah, I’ll get you all some discounts when we get out of here. I got you.” 

“It’s official! Leo, you are now my favorite!”

“Hey! I thought I was your favorite?” Raph asked with a frown.

“Awh, Raphie.. It’s discounted Pizza, of course he’s my favorite!” Raph frowned, failing to hide a smile.

The entirety of the afternoon Leo got to know Mikey and his other friends. He learned that Mikey had Bipolar Two and Night Terrors. Mikey had admitted himself to the hospital because he was worried he’d keep hurting himself and others.

Leo couldn’t imagine admitting himself, he was too stubborn to admit he needed help. 

During dinner, Mikey noticed Leo staring at Usagi, who was sniffing his food suspiciously.

“You interested in Yuichi?”

“He snitched on me, got me put into seclusion.”

Casey barked out a laugh. “Yeah, because screaming about conspiracies and making a break for the exit won’t get you into seclusion on its own!” Casey smacked the table as Raph suppressed a chuckle.

“Whatever. Snitches get stitches.” The others laughed as Leo took a bite of his rice and eyed the rabbit. Who, coincidentally, made eye contact. They eyed eachother before Leo broke it. He could tell the rabbit was still staring.

When it was time for bed, Mikey pulled Leo aside before they reached the hallways. 

“What’s up, Mike?”

“I’m not blind. I can tell you like Yuichi.”

“Uhhhhh whaaaat….” Leo feigned innocence.

“I won’t get in your way. But heads up, romantic relationships between patients aren’t recommended by the hospital. Sexual relationships are out of the question. I’m just warning you. Be careful.”

“Thanks, Mikey.” This kid is good holy shit. Thought the slider as he watched his new friend walk down the hall.

That night, Leo dreamed of rabbits and aspirin.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The next few days were boring and uneventful. Leo had two other meetings with his Psychiatrist. He refused to talk about his reasons for suicide and got an increased dosage of his insomnia medication.

The new gang spent the days watching movies on the TV and playing cards. It seemed that routine and boredom had become integrated into Leo’s life. Of course, there were thoughts of suicide and the occasional patient getting caught self-harming, but that was normal for everyone now. 

“I wonder if I could jump down the elevator shaft?”

“Heh, same.”

“Do it pussy.”

“Nah, too much effort. Plus, pizza’s coming soon.”

“Oh yeah.”

Was the common conversation that would pass between patients. Conversations about depressing and serious topics were no longer serious or interesting. Leo wished something, anything, would happen. Two days later, he got his wish.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Mikey was talking about skateboarding as the others listened half intently when the bang of an opening door reached the Community Room. There was a commotion at the front desk.

“Please, you have to stay in the wheelchair!”

“I’m already here! I haven’t run away!”

“It’s procedure—”

“Screw procedure, give me the paperwork I want to be out of here as soon as possible!”

“You don’t need to fill out any paperwork, hun. Just wait patiently, and we’ll give you a tour. Now what’s your name, hun?”

All conversation from there was unintelligible to the group. Part of Leo wanted to check out the new arrival, but the other part told him it was too much work.

“Leonardo, you’re needed at the front desk.” A nurse said after they came into the community room.

“Ooooooh, Leo’s in troubleeeeeee,” Casey and Mikey cooed. Leo flipped them off as he walked toward the front.

“What’s up, Miss Freya?”

“I need you to give our new patient a tour. We require every patient to give at least one tour while monitored by a nurse. It gives patients a chance to make connections.”

“How come I didn’t have one?”

“You were admitted after lights out.”

“Alright.”

“This is the patient you’ll be giving a tour to.” Miss Freya gestured to a patient, begrudgingly sitting in a wheelchair. “You can get up, now, hun.”

“Finally!” the patient shot up immediately.

“What’s up, I’m Leo.” He stuck his hand out, to which the patient just stared. “Okayyy no handshakes then.”

“Donatello,” answered the patient. He was yet another turtle yokai. Leo was starting to question what the deal was with all the turtles. He was slightly taller than Leo and had a massive forehead that he tried not to focus on for fear of laughing. He had rectangular purple marks on his shoulders and a weird shell.

“Well, Donnie , welcome to hell.” The nurse watching them gave him a look. “You enjoying the grippy socks?” Donnie looked down at his own feet before smiling. 

“They’re superbly fantastic.” 

Leo chuckled while leading the other turtle down the male hall. “We were just at the front desk, that’s where you’ll get medication and stuff. This is Male Hall, hope it’s obvious who lives here. We have bathrooms at the end of each hall for showering—” Leo had a nurse open the bathroom door. “There’s a 2-minute check and a 5-minute check.”

“Oh yeah, that’s not gross at all. He said without a hint of sarcasm.”

“Chillax, you’ll get used to it. It’s the same down in the female hall. And intersex hall is the same too.” Exiting the bathroom, Leo pointed down the hall that branched off Male Hall. “That’s where the seclusion room is. Try not to act out ot you’ll get put in there. It fucking sucks.” The two turtles walked back to the front and toward the community room.

“In Female Hall, there’s a stimulation room, and I have no idea what it’s for.”

“Stimulation rooms are typically for autistic individuals. It gives them a place to stimulate themselves if under-stimulated, or calm down if overstimulated.”

“Uh, okayyy. This is the community room. We eat here, do activities, watch TV. There’s telephones all over, but over there is the telephone corner. If you want more privacy.” Leo pointed to a space between the kitchen and the left wall. With a telephone on the back wall with two chairs underneath. Like a shady alley. Leo realized he’d never been over there himself, seeing as no one really called him, and he never thought about calling anyone either.

“Interesting… What kind of phones?”

“I don’t know. I think pay phones?”

“Very interesting…” Leo decided to ignore him.

“These are my friends. Casey, Mikey, and Raph.” The table greeted Donnie with a chorus of hellos and what's ups. “Guys this is Donnie, you are cool if I call you that?”

“Be my guest.”

“Well, welcome to hell, Donnie. Hope you enjoy your stay.” Casey chuckled as Mikey and Raph shook their heads in amusement.

“Where can I find my room?”

“What hall are you staying in?”

“I would assume male hall.”

“Follow me then!” Leo announced.

They scoured Male Hall until they found a whiteboard with Donnie's name on it. “Looks like you’re rooming with… Quincy?” Leo knocked on the door before opening it. A human guy with dark brown skin and curly afro was sitting on the bed to the right.

“Who’re you?”

“I’m Leo, this is Donnie. I think he’s your new roommate.”

“Oh, wassup, Donnie.”

“Do you snore?”

“What?”

“Do you snore?”

“No?”

“Do you talk in your sleep, Quincy?”

“Nope.”

“Are you organized or messy?”

“I don’t have anything to make a mess with.”

“Any night terrors?”

“No…?”

“Why’re you here?”

“Ohhh-kay, Donnie, I think that’s enough!”

“It’s cool. I have a panic disorder. PTSD, too.”

“Hmmm. Possibility for panic attacks then. Very well. You will suffice as a roommate. Farewell, Quincy.”

“See ya.”

Leo looked at Donnie aghast. “What the hell was that?”

“I needed to know if he would be a good roommate. I have specific needs.”

“No shit.” Donnie just rolled his eyes. 

“Do you wanna sit with me and the guys you met earlier? They’re about to serve lunch, we’re having pizza.”

“Oh, I love pizza!”

Chapter Text

Sleep slipped from Leonardo like hands holding water. You hold so much, but you watch as it slowly seeps from your fingers. No matter how tight you squeeze, no matter how much effort you put into keeping it… It’s gone. Your hands are left damp with the evidence of something that could’ve been.

He didn’t know why. Everything was… middling. He wasn’t particularly suicidal or in the depths of depression. He wasn’t very happy and hopeful either. 

When Leo did get sleep, he had weird dreams, and when he woke up, he had a weird feeling. He felt like they were important dreams.

The teen thought about this as he lay his head on the table. Leo watched Casey and Raph exchange playing cards in a game of Go-Fish with heavy eyelids.

“You tired, Leo?” Raph asked without looking up from his cards.

“I’m such a big ball of energy, Raph, whatever do you mean?” Leo chuckled as he closed his eyes.

“What’s up with Leo?” He heard Mikey ask.

“Can’t sleep. Probably the insomnia.” Donnie remarked.

“Oh, man. Sorry, Leo.”

The tired slider let out a sound that he was thankful for, Mikey's sympathy.

“I wish this place had tea. I think we could all use a cup.” Raph commented.

All the teens hummed in agreement.

“Leo… Come on, little man, you gotta wake up.” 

He slowly lifted his head and wiped the drool off his mouth. He didn’t even realize he’d fallen asleep until Raph woke him. “What…?”

“The nurse says you’ve got a call.”

“A call?” 

Raph shrugged while Leo got up.

“I shall accompany you!”

“Uhhh, why Donnie?”

“Mmmoral support…”

“... Okay, sure.”

“Hello?” Leo held the cold plastic to the side of his head and clenched the metal cord tightly in his other hand.

“Pepino? Is that you?”

“Ah-” there was a short pause. “Uncle Hueso, hi.” Leo tried his best to sound energetic.

“Sorry, I did not call sooner. I wasn’t sure if I should.”

The phone was hidden away in a dark alley-like hall next to the kitchen. Another phone hung on the wall next to the one Leo was using. Two blue plastic chairs sat beneath each phone. It was secluded and provided a sense of privacy.

“It’s okay, Hueso. How are you?”

“I have been better. I’m short on staff, so customers are starting to leave. But mostly I am worried about you. Are you okay?”

“I’ve been better,” Leo chuckled at the repeat. “I’m better than… when it happened. I think I’ll be out soon. Maybe?”

“That’s good to hear. I hope you can come back soon and help me here at the restaurant. Some of the staff miss you.” Leo laughed as his grip on the cord tightened. Meanwhile, Donnie was examining the telephone next to him.

“I’m sorry, by the way, Hueso, for worrying you. You don’t need to worry about me. I’ll get better in no time!” Leo imagined his Uncle shaking his head as he said, “Do not apologize, Pepino. I worry about you even when you are fine.”

“Thanks,”

“So what are they feeding you in there, eh?”

“They have pizza for lunch. It’s so greasy! Nothing beats Run of the Mill.”

“ Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. Hospital food is always atrocious. When you get out, I’m making you the best pizza you’ve ever had.”

“Yesss! I’m starving for some good food!” Leo let out a genuine laugh. The idea of being out of here and eating Uncle Hueso’s fresh pizza, in the warmth of Run of The Mill, brought hope into the picture.

“ Pepino I… wanted to ask..”

“What is it?”

“I…” Leo was still in anticipation. “Never mind, it can wait. Goodbye, Leonardo, I will call you later. Maybe even visit?”

“Alright, bye, Hueso!” The silence that followed the click was heavy.

“That was hard to listen to.”

Leo looked up to see that Donatello had somehow removed the keypad of the pay phone and was moving around wires.

“ Donnie, what are you doing?! ”

“Shush. I’m just seeing how these phones work. I’ll put it back, don't worry.” Leo huffed and leaned back in his chair.

“I just want to get out of here.”

“How did you get here?”

“Uhhhhhh,”

“Sorry, was that overstepping? Mikey said I pry sometimes.”

“No, it’s fine, I took a lot of aspirin, and then almost jumped off a building.”

“Why didn’t you wait for the aspirin to do its thing?”

Leonardo shrugged. “I guess I got impatient?”

“Yeah, that seems like you.”

Leo shoved Donnie’s shoulder. The soft shell smiled.

“I don’t know why. I haven’t thought about it much. How did you end up here, Donnie?”

Donnie put the keypad back in place and turned around in the chair so he was sitting properly.

“I assume it’s fair that you know how I ended up here, after all, I know somewhat of your circumstances now.” Leo just nodded. “Through our conversations, I’ve mentioned that I’m autistic. However, I’m also a pyromaniac. I have the compulsive need to set things on fire.”

“So what happened?”

“I had a rough week. None of my projects were going well; they were all failing or weren’t as impressive as I could’ve built them. Soon, all I could think was ‘I should kill myself.’

… Burning things helps anxiety, and those kinds of thoughts go away, so I began burning paper, and then I burned an old, broken project. Safely, I might add, in a small burning chamber. It wasn’t enough, so I.. grabbed a lighter and started burning my arm.” Donatello rolled back the left sleeve of his purple hoodie and revealed a burn mark half the length of his forearm by the underside of his elbow.

The scar was lighter compared to the rest of Donnie. The leathery area of skin put Leo at unease. He shuddered lightly. Leo wondered how he didn’t notice it when Donnie first came in.

“In my lab–” he rolled his sleeve back down. “Draxum had set up an alarm system if I were ever hurt in some way–”

“Draxum?”

“My parental figure. My guardian, if you will. Though not legally.” Leo decided not to question the last comment.

“He’d set up an alarm in my room, too, but I disabled that one. I could never find the one in my lab, so I wouldn’t hurt myself there. When the alarm went off, it knocked me out of my daze.”

Leo was all too familiar with “the daze”. He’d gone into it many a night when he had hurt himself and when he had attempted.

“Draxum came for me immediately. He took care of my burns, and I was unaware he was planning to admit me here. When I caught on, I fought back, you remember my entrance. Before that, I tried to run away, to no avail.” Donnie gestured to where they were and let out a laugh of dismay.

The two were bathed in silence as all Leo could do was look at Donnie. He was hugging his knees. 

“I’m sorry, Don.”

“There’s no need to worry, Nardo. This psychiatric unit is supposed to improve me for society. I just have to let it take its course.”

“Yeah…” Leo watched the softshell walk away. He wanted to say more, but found the words disappeared when they reached his throat.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

“Do you think you’re ready to talk about it today, Leonardo?” Leo stayed silent. He’d gotten good at this. He’d had multiple psychiatry appointments, a lot more than the others he knew. He wanted to get out of here but they wouldn’t stop pressing. 

“Okay… what do you want to talk about? Any questions?”

“Can I ask about my friends?”

“Depends on the question.”

“Will any of them be out of here soon?”

“Hmmmm. Well, I’m not any of their psychiatrists, so I can’t tell you. I couldn’t find out either. We value patient confidentiality.”

“Damn.”

“Why do you enjoy talking about your friends?”

“Who doesn’t? Friends are cool.”

“Do you talk to your friends about your friends?”

“No–” Leo laughed. “We just talk about stuff we like, stuff we hate. Ourselves, normal stuff.”

“You seem to care a lot about them.”

“I mean, yeah, they’re like a family, and you should always love family.” Leo traced the lines of his hands with his eyes. 

“Why did you ask if they were going to leave? I’d imagine you’d want to spend time with them, not have them leave?”

“Because they have other families and lives out there. I don’t want to keep them trapped just because I want to spend time with them. They want to re-enter the world as much as I do.” Leo thought more to himself before speaking up again. “I’d be happier seeing them leave than them being stuck here with me.”

“Your appointments are gonna keep coming, you know.”

“ Dios mío! What the hell man?!” Leo smacked Yuichi’s shoulder. “You stalking me?” 

The rabbit leaned off the wall he was resting against. Leo assumed he’d been standing there the entire appointment. “Don’t flatter yourself, my appointment’s next. I was just waiting.”

“That’s what they all say…”

“Just listen.”

“Why? You snitched me out, cottontail. ”

“Because I’ve been here longer than you. And I’ve been here in and out. I know how this stuff works. Do you still not want my advice, Kappa? ”

“Fine, what do you have to say, oh master of the asylum?”

“Don’t call it an asylum–”

“Sure feels like it.”

“You done?”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“You’re not gonna get out of here unless you answer whatever question they keep asking you. You can lie about it, unless you actually want to improve, then take all the time you need.” Leo shivered as Yuichi leaned in close. “ But you’ll be back within months. ”

Leo looked after Yuichi as he entered the room. What the hell was that? Walking away, he felt something in his hoodie pocket.

“ Meet me by the phones next to the kitchen before dinner, ” was written on a small piece of paper. Leo couldn’t remember when Yuichi had slipped this in his pocket. Who exactly was this guy?

⳼⳼⳼⳼

His back was growing sore. Leo was debating on leaving because it didn’t seem like Yuichi was showing up at all. Leo got up with a huff but was quickly stopped.

“Sit down, Kappa, I’m here.” 

Leo plopped his ass right back down. “What do you want, Yuichi?”

“First, what did you do with the note?” 

Leo took the paper out of his pocket. “Tear it up and throw it away when you have the chance.”

“Why?”

“Just do what I say.”

“I don’t know if I want to.”

“If you want to get out of here, then you will.” Leo squinted at the rabbit across from him. He prolonged this stare as he ripped up the paper. “Now pick up a phone and act like you’re on a call. I’ll be doing the same.” Leo rolled his eyes but obliged. Yuichi held down on the switch hook, so Leo did the same.

“What is this all about, Yuichi?” As Leo talked, he noticed the static in his voice as he spoke through the telephone.

“You want to leave right?”

“As much as anyone.”

“You have three options.” Leo raised a non-existent eyebrow. “You can answer whatever question they keep picking at you for, in your own time, and actually improve yourself. You can lie to them and hope they believe it. Or you can help me escape.”

The turtle fumbled with the phone.

“Yuichi, are you insane–” the rabbit looked at Leo.

“You don’t have to. It’s just an option. I know you’re not a snitch, so I won’t have to worry about you telling everyone.”

Leo wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He knew he really should put in the effort to get better. It would seem to improve his life dramatically; he’d be able to see Hueso again in a better state. Lying would get him out faster and under the pretense of being legitimate, but if what Yuichi had said was true, he’d be back in no time. Leo knew escaping was wrong, and he had a feeling it wouldn’t go well for anyone involved. But the idea of escaping and being free so soon was enticing. He didn’t think he could handle another morning examination or the harrowing routine. God forbid he had a manic episode again. Or see his friends go into any episodes. He wanted to be out of here and enjoy Hueso’s warm Pizza, he wanted to skateboard, read Jupiter Jim comics, and watch Lou Jitsue films. He wanted to get his life back.

“How exactly would we be escaping?” The two teens mirrored smirks, and Yuichi began regaling Leo with the plan.

“I’m glad you’re fun and not lame like I thought, Yuichi.” The red-eared slider confessed once they’d solidified their plan of escape.

“You thought I was lame? Rude.”

“You snitched on me! I think all tattle tails are lame old rats.”

“I’m a young rabbit.” Yuichi was completely serious, but Leo laughed anyway.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Leo slept that night, but it was no reward. The teen tossed and turned while his mind plagued him with nightmares. He dreamed of running and running toward an unseen exit that he knew was there. He dreamed about aspirin that was dripping in gasoline, and lighting purple fires. He had quick flashes of Yuichi’s face and the red of his eyes. It wasn’t until he fell out of bed that he woke up.

Leonardo sat next to his bed in a sweaty mess, using the cold floor to calm himself.

He’d had nightmares before, but it’d been so long since one actually shook him up like this. He hoped a nurse wouldn't check on him. Leo looked at his feet as he breathed deeply.

“ Fuck. Just sleep correctly. Can’t you have a normal night? ” He whispered and hit the side of his head.

The rest of his night was lost in the depths of the turtle's memory, as he zoned out once his head hit the pillow.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The next day, Leonardo received many looks from his friends. Did he really look that bad?

“Leo, buddy, you okay?” Raph asked, laying a large hand on Leo’s shoulder.

“Just a rough night, Raph, I’m okay.” Leo feigned a cheerful tone.

“Nardo, you look terrible.”

“Gee, thanks, D.”

“No problem,”

Leo could tell he wasn’t fooling anyone, but he knew they knew it was useless to pry.

“Leo, come eat breakfast with me.” The turtle reached Yuichi's table and was met with a look of concern.

“I’m no fool, Leo, I can tell you didn’t sleep. What’s more, I can tell it was because of a bad dream.”

“What are you, psychic?”

“No, I just have bad dreams, and I know the look.”

“Well, I’m oka–” The rabbit stared him down with complete disbelief. “I don’t know, okay! I had a bad dream and I couldn’t fall asleep after that. I’m used to it.”

“I’m all for faking out these shitty therapists, but you should get your medication bumped up. Or change it because that shit is not working.”

“I just need one night of good sleep.”

“Don’t we all?”

The two teens spent the rest of breakfast in silence. Yuichi let the turtle rest his head and doze off, making sure no one took advantage of the opportunity. Leo later learned that he had dozed off for two hours and that Yuichi never left his side.

Chapter Text

Over the course of a week, Leo and Yuichi had tweaked and solidified their plan. Upon Leo’s request, Casey was also involved. The date of escape was two weeks from now. They just had to hold out until then. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?

The only issue was the red-eared slider found himself falling for the white rabbit. 

During their time spent planning and hanging out, Leo realized they had a lot in common. He learned Yuichi wasn’t as solemn as he often showed. He was fun, wild, and funny like him. He had to admit that he was pretty, too. Leo wasn’t much for red, but Yuichi’s eyes were growing on him. He loved Yuichi’s top knot, the blue scrunchie holding his ears up didn’t seem like something he would wear, and it made Leo want to chuckle. He especially adored looking at Yuichi from the side. He looked so serious when by himself.

“You always look so serious. Why don’t you lighten up?”

“Because people might be watching. Just because I’m tucked away in here doesn’t mean I’m free from stalkers.”

“Says the stalker.”

“I am not!”

“You waited by the door the entire time I was having my appointment. That’s stalker behavior.”

“My appointment was next!”

“Okay, sure…”
“Who’d want to stalk your ass anyway?”

“Excuse me, do you see this face? I’m a face man, people love me!” Yuichi let out a short laugh that brought a smile to Leo’s face.  

“You may have good looks, but your personality is kind of… how should I say… annoying? Barely tolerable.”

“So you think I look good?” the turtle nudged Yuichi with his shoulder.

“Shut up or I’ll snitch on you again,” the rabbit smirked.

Leo let out a dramatic gasp. “Rude!!”

He enjoyed his time with Yuichi; they made each other laugh. He’d learned a lot of techniques to make sure no one follows you and how to reveal the least amount of information to spies. Leo knew no one would want to spy on him, and it probably furthered Yuichi’s Paranoid Disorder, but he didn’t mind. They poked fun at each other's issues. They barely talked about the seriousness of their personal situations, however, and Leo wanted to know more about Yuichi. He loved his fun side, but he had the urge to know the things that troubled the rabbit, and he wanted to tell the rabbit what troubled him. Fuck, Leo was definitely crazy.

Mikey’s words rang throughout Leo's mind anytime he caught himself staring at Yuichi for too long. “Romantic relationships between patients aren’t recommended by the hospital… I’m just warning you. Be careful.”

Maybe he could get away with it? He’s managed to hide his issues for so long. What was a crush?”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

“You want to what? ”

Leonardo caved in and confessed three days before the escape.

“Leo, why would you do this right before we’re escaping?”

“Becauseee… I’m mentally ill?” The face that Leo got from the rabbit told him that his excuse was not working.

Leo had spent a lot of time in Yuichi’s room, but somehow he was just noticing all the details. The unique smell that was like all the other rooms, but with a hint of eucalyptus. He wondered where Yuichi got something eucalyptus scented. The patches of new paint on the wall around Yuichi's bed. The new paint didn’t quite match the older layer. Why it needed to be repainted, Leo didn’t know. The red-eared slider could feel how cold the floor was through his grippy socks. It made him shift his stance slightly.

He waited for Yuichi’s answer. The rabbit was lying on his bed, a notebook resting on his thighs. Yuichi let out a long, exhausted sigh and pinched the bridge between his eyes. “Leo, you’re awesome, but I have too much to worry about and focus on.”

“So that’s a no?”

“For now, yes, it’s a no.”

“For now?”

Before Leo got his response, Donnie's head popped in the doorway. “Leo, it’s lunch, and Yuichi, I guess.”

“Thanks, D.”

Silence passed over the two teens as they mulled over what had just occurred.

“Let me know when you have a definite answer, cottontail. I’ll see you.”

“You confessed, didn’t you?” Mikey asked as they all poked at the dry, heavily unseasoned pieces of chicken.

“What?” All chicken poking from their table stopped.

“Confessed? Leonardo Hamato, do you like someone here~?” Raph waved his fork at the embarrassed turtle.

“Pshh, no, what makes you say that?”

Silence.

“It was Yuichi.”

“ Mikey! ”

“ Oooooooooooooooh~ ” cooed the table.

“What did he say?” Donnie asked, more like gathering data.

“It’s a stalemate. He wants to wait until after the escape to give me an answer.” Leo shoved a piece of chicken into his mouth and chewed with annoyance.

“I’m still surprised Casey’s the only one who wants to. I for sure thought you’d want to do it, Donnie.”

The softshell shrugged, “This place has… grown on me.”

“Nice, Donnie, welcome to the club!” Raph lightly patted Donnie’s shell.

“Yeah, you just have to make sure Miguel doesn’t tattle.”

“I got this… It’s fineeee.”

“Mikey, if I find out you snitched, I will come back just to give you hell.”

“I won't! Mmmaybe…”

“Mikey.”

“ I’ll try!! You know, for someone with Bipolar, it’s a miracle I’m honest. You should all be very grateful!” The youngest huffed and finished off his chicken. “Ugh- this really needs some seasoning.”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Draxum visited Donnie the day before the escape. Leo remembered because as he was leaving Yuichi’s room, a figure who could only own the name Draxum, emerged from Donnie's room. He was tall and well built with massive shoulders. His legs were those of a sheep; he was like a buff faun with long magenta hair and lighter matching skin. His face showed he was nothing but business.

“You must be Leonardo.” his voice was deep and full of bass.

“Yeahh..?” he gave Draxum a puzzling look. Draxum cared enough to know who he was?

“Donatello says you’ve helped him adjust to this… place.”

“Oh. Yeah, Donnie’s cool.”

“If you hope to stay friends with him, I ask you not to get him involved in silly escape plans. I need him to recover to his full potential, no cutting corners.”

Leo was speechless. He was sure Donnie wouldn’t have told. And who was Draxum to say they couldn’t be friends? What was he going to check in every day to make sure they weren’t hanging out? He just gave the large goat man a curt nod and then stared at him, bewildered, while Draxum walked away.

“I didn’t tell him, Nardo,” Donnie said, now standing in his doorway.

“Then how did he find out?”

The soft shell just shrugged and said, “I’ve learned not to question it,” and retreated into his room. Leo followed.

“I didn’t know Draxum was so involved in your recovery…”

“Of course! He calls me twice a week, and he said he plans to visit me every…” The turtle grabbed a small notebook off his bedside table. “Monday. Gosh, I wish I had my tech back.” He pouted and placed his journal back in its place.

“Really? That guy?” 

“If I weren’t so crestfallen with loss for my tech, I’d say something like ‘You have to get to know Draxum, ’ he brought me here in the first place after all.”

“I guess you’re right. I’m gonna go build shapes out of popsicle sticks, wanna come, D?”

“Only if they’ll let me build a catapult.”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

One day left. Just one day. One long, endless day of torture. Leo wanted so badly to just bolt out of here. He could tell the nurses noticed he was more jittery than his average. Apparently, he was the only one. Everyone else looked completely fine. 

“Leo, you’re gonna sell us out,” Yuichi whispered as they folded origami underneath one of the windows.

“I know.”

“Just breathe, dude.”

“What?”

“Breathe, it helps. If I’ve learned anything from the stupid therapy here, it’s that breathing helps.”

“Yeah, for you maybe.”

“Here, give me your hand.” Yuichi stopped folding his paper piano and held a hand out to Leo, like asking for a dance. Leo obliged.

His fingers were soft, it made his nerves tingle.

Leo watched and felt as Yuichi pressed his thumb into the middle of Leo’s palm. “What are you doing?”

“Shhh,” 

They stayed in this position for about a minute before Yuichi said, “If it hurts, let me know.” Then the rabbit pulled Leo’s hand backward until his wrist was at a 90-degree angle. It didn’t hurt.

Yuichi let Leo’s hand fall back into its proper place. Then tenderly took Leo’s hand again. He used his thumb to stroke the entirety of Leo’s palm. Leo didn’t know what exactly this was, but it made him calm. It was as close as the turtle would get to Yuichi softly tracing the creases and scars on his hands.

Yuichi stopped sooner than Leo would’ve liked and began massaging the top of the slider's wrist in small circular motions. Yuichi stopped 30 seconds later and dropped Leo’s hand.

“What was that about?”

“I’ll tell you once you let me do it to your other hand.”

“Is this some kind of kink?” Leo joked as Yuichi picked up his other hand.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“Will that change your answer?”

Cottontail just smiled and began doing the same message on Leo’s other hand. Leo liked it; it was a tender moment (that had some undertones of homoeroticism). He wondered where Yuichi learned this.

“That was a Shiatsu technique to help anxiety, my mom taught me when I was little.”

“Wow, fancy, can’t I do them by myself, though?”

“Yeah, I just wanted to touch your hand, I guess. Because I’m so in love with you!” The rabbit swooned, dramatically leaning against Leo’s shoulder.

“Haha. You’re soooo funny,”

“What? I was just copying you! You sure seemed to react to all that as if it was a kink kappa.” Leo’s face almost turned as red as his markings. The white rabbit laughed loudly and brightly, which made Leo blush more.

“It did make me calmer, though. Thanks, Cottontail.”

“No problem. Can’t have you having an anxiety attack while we’re escaping now, can we?”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

After a long, excruciating day, the time for escape arrived. It was 2 AM, and Leo was wide awake. Not that that was a rare occurrence. Any minute, and the— a loud, piercing shriek broke the silence of the unit. An italicized, all-caps, “Ahhhh” didn’t quite do the honors of depicting it.

Leo crept out of his bed, looked through his window, and saw a handful of nurses run down the hall toward the shriek. Not enough, though.

The screaming continued, and a couple of patients stepped out of their rooms. 

“What the hell is going on?!” Yuichi shouted. “I’m tryna sleep!” That was the cue for their distraction to take it up a notch.

And take it up a notch he did, their distraction screamed and cussed, and by the sound of it, threw a punch or two.

“Back up! Room M204! Casey Jr’s Room! NOW!! Stop hitting!”

Leo chuckled. Only Casey would volunteer for a chance to sock some nurses. Speaking of, all the other nurses ran towards the room to help. 

Leo made his way to the elevator and pressed the button. Hopefully, Casey’s fake episode was enough to cover the sound.

Once it was clear and the elevator was about to open, Yuichi made the call.

“Man, I’m done with this shit!” The rabbit bolted like well- a rabbit. And the ding of the elevator arriving triggered three other patients to run.

“ Hey!! STOP!! Code Green! Someone call a code green!” Shouted a nurse who started chasing after the other patients.

“But they’re psych patients! Isn’t that code Grey?!”

“JUST CALL GREEN!! ”

Leo and other patients cackled as the nurses panicked and ran toward the elevator. As the doors slid to a close, Leo caught a glimpse of Casey Junior sprinting down the hall. Leo hoped he made it down the stairs.

He could tell Yuichi was annoyed that a couple of patients joined in at the last second. He just hoped this wouldn’t ruin their plan.

When the elevator landed, they could hear a commotion outside, and when the door opened, the three unrecruited patients added to the commotion. Sprinting out of the elevator. Two tried to swerve out of people's way, while the other pushed down patients and visitors.

Leo and Yuichi took the planned, nonchalant approach, strolling out and trying to look like another worried visitor.

“We’re almost there, just keep cool,” Yuichi said.

“Hey, what’s going on?!” Leo turned to a doctor he didn’t recognize. Fake worry plastered all over his face.

“Don’t worry, sir, some patients from our Psych Unit escaped, just stay calm and stay safe,” assured the doctor, who quickly ran away once their explanation was over.

“Damn Kappa, nice acting!” Yuichi bumped Leo with his hip as they kept walking. The slider shrugged with a smile.

“ Hey!! ” The two teens turned to find a security guard who was often in their unit. 

“Shit, run!!” Yuichi didn’t even finish the entire sentence before both of them were sprinting toward the entrance. Leo dodged patients and visitors, and he swiveled from cots and around doctors and nurses. It’d been a while since Leo had run; he was losing breath faster than he would’ve liked.

In the blink of an eye, Yuichi switched direction, and Leo pivoted just in time to follow. They started running down a random hall, and Leo was thoroughly confused.

“What are we doing?!”

“Just shut up and follow me!”

“What’s up, guys!”

Leo turned to the voice that was fast approaching. It was Casey.

“Casey, my man!”

“I said shut up!” shouted Yuichi.

Leo and the black-haired teen smiled at each other and picked up the speed. Yuichi turned another corner at the end of the hall and went through a faded blue door. They led to a staircase.

“More stairs?!” Casey groaned and began running down the flights. Leo followed suit. 

After jumping every last 3 steps and sharp turns, they made it out into the back parking lot. It seemed bright despite it being a cloudy evening. The teens were all out of breath and resting on their knees. Leo tried to get his breathing back, his lungs ached, and his sternum shook with every inhale. Each breath was sharp and painful, but it still felt so good to breathe in the crisp, cold air. Leo stood up straight and stretched his back. As he looked at the sky, which seemed to be made entirely of thick black clouds, he smiled.

“We did it!” He turned to the two other teens. “Holy shit!”

“Hell yeah, we did!” Casey cheered. “I’ll see you guys around! I’m out! Woo!! ” 

Leo watched as his human friend ran in the direction of the gas station that was a few blocks away.

“Glad you didn’t give us away, Kappa.” Yuichi came up behind Leo and laid an elbow on the turtle's shoulder.

“What do we do now?” asked the slider.

“Hmmmm. Go on a date? I know a good pizza joint around here.”

“Yes, I’m starving– wait, what?”

“What? You don’t want a date?”

Leo just stared at the white rabbit illuminated by the dim street lamps and New York lights.

“Hell yeah, I want one! But why would you want an ordinary pizza joint? We're heading to Run of the Mill, Cottontail!

“Well, we better hurry before security finds us over here.”

“Ohhh yeah!” Leo cheered as he grasped Yuichi’s hand and dragged him away from the psychiatric unit and shouted, “Sayonara you piece of shit place!” and the two laughed like the mentally ill teens they were.

They were finally free.

At least they hoped.

Chapter Text

“How much further is this Run of the Mill place?”

“First of all! Run of the Mill is not just ‘someplace’, secondly, it’s right around this corner!” Leo could tell Yuichi seemed disappointed upon seeing just a dark alley with a graffitied wall.

“Yes, lead a delusional, paranoid teen into a shady alley. Please be my guest!”

Leo rolled his eyes before he showed Yuichi the true Run of the Mill magic. “ Ahem , I stand corrected, please lead the way.”

“Heeello Run of The Mill! Your favorite turtle has arrived!” Leo announced as he stepped through the wall with Yuichi close behind. The heat of the restaurant hit him instantly. It was like nostalgia was embracing him in a hug. The scent of flour and pizzas fresh out of the oven, wood burning, and an undertone of musk that didn’t bother the nose, Leo breathed it all in. His tympana welcomed the sound of the sizzling vegetables and meats, of utensils clashing together, and the commotion of staff and patients. All these senses were embedded into his memories of this place. The years he spent helping knead dough, the blast of heat from the brick ovens as he watched the pizzas cook. All the people who worked and frequented the restaurant, he treasured them all. How the turtle missed this. How he forgot and underappreciated it. Leonardo was glad to be back.

“Ayyy Leonardo! Where’ve you been?”

“Just a vacation, Vince!” He spoke as if he wasn’t just reminiscing about his love for Run of the Mill.

“Well, have a seat and I’ll take your order!”

Leo dramatically ushered Yuichi to sit at a table for two. He giggled before saying, “Why, thank you, Kappa.”

“What can I get for our returning customer and his… date?”

“Yup, you know it! Vince, this is Yuichi. Yuichi, this is Vince! He’s our newest waiter, but it’s like he’s been here for years.”

“You flatter me, Leo. It’s nice to meet you, Yuichi. What can I get you two?”

“What do you recommend, Leo?” The turtle tried to not blush at the way Yuichi’s ears flopped when he cocked his head to the side.

“Pineapple Pizza, always!”

“Okay, oh shit Meat Lovers!” Yuichi pointed at the menu in his hand.

“Okayyy… would you guys like any drinks?”

“I’ll take a Coke, please!”

Yuichi parroted Leo, “Just a Coke, please.”

“So two cokes, and one Hawaiian and one Meat Lovers for the two… lovers~”

“Vince, that was terrible, go get us our pizza!” Leo chuckled while Yuichi shook his head in amusement. As the waiter left, Leo’s laughter settled, and his eyes gazed back to the rabbit, who seemed… nervous. Was this date not going as he thought it was? Is he uncomfortable? “Yuichi, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, it’s just been a while since I’ve been back out, so it’s... weird,” Yuichi shifted in his seat before staring in the direction Vince left. His nose scrunched up, too brisk for Leo to catch.

“Don’t worry, you’ll probably get used to it in no time!”

“Mhmm..”

Leo’s gut was telling him this date wasn’t going in the direction he planned it to go in. His and Yuichi’s first moments out of the psych ward and it was going poorly. Yuichi didn’t seem to be fond of any of this; he had yet to see Hueso, and he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to happen. It’s probably just anxiety… Thought the slider. Still, he couldn’t help but bounce his leg and try to distract himself from the situation.

“One Hawaiian and one Meat Lovers!” Vince declared, laying down both pizzas. Once they voiced their thanks, the waiter said, “No problem! Can I get you two anything else?”

“Nope. We’re good!” Yuichi said, rather quickly.

“Okay, enjoy your meal! Welcome back, Leo!” 

Leo grabbed a large slice of Hawaiian, and his mouth watered just at the sight of the stringy cheese hanging off the sides. It’d been forever since Leo had quality pizza. He sighed at the taste of the warm, fresh slice. Oh, sweet pizza supreme in the sky, this was the best food he’d ever had!

“You getting turned on from pizza, Leonardo?” Yuichi joked as he took a bite of his Meat Lovers. “Oh shit…” Yuichi couldn’t stop a small moan from leaving his lips.

“Who’s pizza horny now?” Leo joked as he took another bite.

As the date progressed, things appeared to lighten up. It turned out to just be anxiety that gave Leo his doubts after all. The two had laughed and joked as per usual. The pizza’s already half finished. Their glasses were left with half-melted ice and sips of watered-down soda at the bottom. 

“Thanks for this date, Yuichi. It’s been a while since I’ve been on one.”

“Really? How long?”

“Almost two years, I know, lame right?”

“No, Leo… It’s super lame. Two years?!”

“Hey, I was a depressed, angsty teen who couldn’t sleep! It was too much effort to go out and seek connections…” He stirred the bits of half-melted ice in his cup with a straw.

“Hey, I get it, I was just joking. I don’t trust people easily. It’s a miracle I’m even on a date at all.”

“Because of your Paranoid Personality Disorder?”

“My what?”

“Casey said you had Paranoid Personality Disorder?” Leo felt his face get hot as Yuichi laughed at him.

“Casey doesn’t know shit about me! I have Mixed Delusional Personality Disorder, which can come from paranoia, but it’s not the same thing.”

“Really?”

“What? You think I’m lying?”

“No! I’m just surprised!”

“Yeah… well, some people think I have PPD because I’m constantly paranoid, but that’s because the mixed part of my DPD is Persecutory. I think that people are following me or trying to hurt me and people I know.”

“Oh, what’s the other part?”

“Jealous.” The rabbit didn’t give further explanation.

“Okay…? So you get jealous easily? Or like jealousy is increased?” Leo was put off by Yuichi expressing annoyance at his question, “Sorry, you don’t have to talk about it if y–”

“Why’re you being so passive-aggressive? You were the one who confessed in the first place!”

“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that. I just didn’t want to push. You okay, cottontail?”

“I’m fine, you were being hostile.” Yuichi took an angry bite of pizza.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. I guess we’re all on edge, we did just escape like two hours ago.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Something about Yuichi's demeanor told Leo something else was going on. Uncomfortable silence stretched between the two and even to the nearest tables. Other customers were eyeing the teens. “I want to get out of here. People are staring, and it’s making me uncomfortable.”

“Okay, we’ll leave. Vince! Check, please!”

“I’ll be outside,” Leo said nothing while his date stalked toward the exit.

“Don’t worry, Leo, it’s on the house, take it as a welcome back present!”

“Thanks, Vince! You’re the man! Tell Uncle Hueso I was here! I didn’t see him today,” Leo jogged to Yuichi, who was standing by the exit. “I thought you were waiting outside?”

“I…” Yuichi glared at Vince, cleaning up their table before facing Leo, “I don’t know how to open it.”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Leo could hear the annoyance in Yuichi’s voice when he asked where they were going. He hoped his date didn’t turn out to be a dick all this time. Sure, Yuichi was mentally ill, but so was he, and Leo had the common courtesy to be respectful.  Leo took a deep breath. He didn’t like getting upset. It didn’t come naturally to the turtle. Well, besides the mania.

“I don’t know. I thought we’d just walk around and see what the shops have, y’know?”

“I have an apartment we can go to. There’d be fewer people looking for us anyway,”

“Let’s go there then!” Leo tried his best to seem cheerful and unaffected by Yuichi’s… everything. But his possible boyfriend's sighs, side eyes, and detachment gave Leo a bad taste in his mouth.

It wasn’t a far walk to the upset teen’s apartment. It was small but nice, at least on the outside. Inside, Yuichi’s living room only had a small flat-screen TV resting on the box it came from and a three-person couch in front of it. The kitchen appeared empty, with nothing occupying the counters except a toaster and a teakettle. A short Japanese-style table was next to the kitchen, and standard bed pillows were underneath each side. However, the place was clean, no trash on the floor or stained walls. There was dust from Yuichi's absence, but it was practically spotless.

“Bathroom is the last door on the right. I know it’s not much. I have a bunch of boxes in another room. I wasn’t able to unpack much because of going to the psych ward so often.”

“It’s fine. So what’re we gonna do, cottontail?” Leo could tell Yuichi’s smile was forced, at least somewhat.

“We could sit on the balcony?”

“Sure, sounds fun!”

The balcony was connected to the living room; it was small, and only two tiny potted plants occupied the slab of concrete that jutted out from the building. Both were bonsai, and they were considerably dehydrated. 

“My bonsai! Shit!” Yuichi ran back inside and returned swiftly with a glass of water and a spray bottle. The rabbit poured the water on both plants and sprayed them each twice. Once he placed down the bottle and the glass with a clink, Yuichi joined Leo on the floor. Their legs stuck through the thin metal bars and dangled over the side of the balcony.

“I like your apartment.”

“You don’t have to be sorry for me.”

“I’m not sorry for you. Why’re you so upset, Yuichi?”

“I know I have delusions. But that doesn’t make them seem any less real. It took me a long time to accept that I had delusions in the first place, and I’m still convinced many of my delusions are real. I just don’t want to have any delusions about you.” Leo was surprised by this answer. “I can sometimes convince myself out of delusions, but it’s really fucking hard. I don’t get into relationships because of the chance that I’ll damage them with my freaky thinking. 

My other type of delusion is Jealous–” Yuichi took a breath. “Which means I believe that my partners are cheating or unfaithful to me.”

“Oh. Yuichi, I’d never–”

“I know! I know…” 

Leo could tell the rabbit was lying, even to himself. 

“But I don’t want to. I like you, Leo, but I’ll start thinking that you’re cheating whenever you’re late, or when you seem off. I don’t want to do that to you. And I don’t want to do that to myself either.”

Leo thought for a long moment. He stared at the dark horizon lit by the shining lights of New York buildings. The sounds of the night, the passing cars, far away sirens, people talking, and bustling. Leo found these things grounding.

“We can work through it, Cottontail. I’ll learn how to deal with your delusions. I don’t want you to be lonely because people don’t want to understand your issues, or because you’ll isolate yourself, so you don’t hurt others. I know what that’s like. Maybe the fact that I can relate will make it easier. Don’t push me away because you’re worried about hurting me. I’ve already tried to off myself anyway, what more could you do?” Leo nudged the rabbit slightly.

“You’re sure? 100% positive?”

“I swear on the pizza supreme in the sky.” 

Yuichi threw his head back as he laughed, his mouth open wide and his eyes squeezed shut. It was a beautiful sight to see the rabbit truly laugh.

“Okay Kappa… I’ll give this shit a try again.” Leo welcomed Yuichi's fingers as they tried to intertwine themselves with his. Furry white and scaly green. What a perfectly imperfect match. They held hands and stared at the night sky. Their thighs were getting prickly from sitting in the same positions for so long, but it was a comforting feeling.

“Leo, I’ll do the same for you. Learn how to help you with your mania and everything else.”

“Thanks, Cottontail.”

⳼⳼⳼⳼

The newly official teens now reside in Yuichi’s bedroom, lying on a twin-sized mattress. Lying was putting it lightly. In fact, they weren’t even lying down. Leo had Yuichi pinned against the wall. It’d been a long time since Leo had done anything with anyone, but judging by the soft moans coming from the rabbit, it seemed he wasn’t as bad as he thought.

He often fantasized about romantic and sexual moments like these. What would he feel like, and what sounds would he make? What would Yuichi taste like? Well, he tasted like nothing. Not like mint, not like cherry, not even like the Meat Lovers pizza. But Leo found it didn’t ruin anything for him. He welcomed the taste of nothingness. He licked it off the rabbit's tongue, and Yuichi did the same.

Leo kissed the boy underneath him as he slid his hands up Leo’s hoodie. The rabbit's fingers were cold despite the fur as they trailed Leo's plastron. Gradually tracing the edges and bumps. First, nothing but smooth space, the tips of his fingers trailed the edges on the side, then a quick dip. Yuichi stopped to trace the shape with his middle and ring finger. It was arched and pointed, almost like half an arrow. The slider's heart spiked when Yuichi’s hand took a detour to the side of his plastron, between where it and his shell met. It was fleeting, but Leo felt it. Yuichi resumed, and Leo’s breath hitched once he reached just underneath where his plastron raised to create his chest. First, he felt Yuichi’s soft fingers trail the crevice, then he felt the rabbit splay his hands over his upper torso, feeling up until he reached the top. Leo let out a sound between a grunt and a moan. Yuichi slid his fingers along the top of his plastron, then back down to the arrow. It felt good to be touched.

This all happened while Leo wrapped his arms around him, holding Yuichi’s lower back, and pulled him closer.

“Don’t pull me closer–” Yuichi said through kisses, “push me against the wall.” The rabbit gasped when his demand was met immediately. Leo made him gasp again when he started kissing his neck. Yuichi’s neck was warm against his lips. He started just beneath the jaw and made his way down to the rabbit's collarbone, and back up again. The light moans escaping from Yuichi encouraged him. Soon, they weren’t even kisses; Leo knew he’d leave hickeys, and the thought only made him harder. Leo guessed he should say wetter, considering he didn’t have— “Wait, stop.”

“What?” The two teens pulled away from each other, panting and full of energy. Yuichi’s hands still rested inside Leo’s hoodie, lightly touching just below his chest.

“How far are we going?” Leo asked.

“How far do you want to go?”

“Nothing past this.”

“Are you okay, Leo?”

“I…” Leo was finding it difficult to catch his breath. He was grateful that Yuichi was being patient as Leo sat there, sitting in his lap. His crotch inches away from Yuichi’s. The thought was exhilarating but also frightening. It made his stomach drop.  “I don’t want to do this anymore…” Leo tenderly took the rabbit's hands and moved them from out of his hoodie.

“That's… fine. Are you okay?”

“Do you know what dysphoria is?”

“Oh. You have that?”

“Yeah. It’s stupid because I don’t really have many obvious sex … things? But it’s still there.”

“What triggered it?”

“The thought of giving you hickeys.”

“What?!” Yuichi jabbed Leo in the shoulder.

“Not like that! It got me excited, it got me ‘hard,’ but I realized I can’t get hard. That, on top of everything that just happened, I got scared.” By this time, they were lying next to each other, both heads on the one pillow, Yuichi used. Leo chuckled before saying, “It’s so dumb.”

“No, it’s not. Having to stop because you’re uncomfortable? That’s the opposite of dumb. Dumb would be toughing it out and hurting yourself emotionally, dummy.”

“You’re not mad?” Leo’s question was more of surprise than self-pity.

“I’m annoyed I won’t get as many kisses tonight. I don’t care about the hickeys, I can’t really get them anyway. But we can always make out later.” 

Leo smiled. He had forgotten how forgiving people can be. That people actually care.

“Are you fine with just kissing?” Yuichis asked. Leo turned his head and was met with the sight of Yuichi’s. Their faces now only an inch apart. Leo scanned his face. The swooping tuft of hair, the bright red markings underneath his dark red eyes. Leo could see each individual strand of fur despite the darkness.

“Yeah, that’s fine.” It took a moment for them to actually kiss again. It was slow and soft this time. Although it often wasn’t what either of them preferred, it was perfect for this moment.

“Can I put my hand here?” Yuichi asked, his hand hovering over Leo’s waist.

“Yeah.” Leo welcomed the touch and returned it by leaning in closer and grabbing his soft face. Leo could imagine better ways to spend this time, but he wouldn’t have this happening any other way. Yuichi laughed when Leonardo told him this, but he felt the same.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Leo woke up with a groan. His back hurt from sleeping on an unfamiliar mattress. He maneuvered his way out of the rabbit's arms. They’d fallen asleep cuddling. He sat up and examined the room he slept in. Despite the thin rays of light peeking from the blinds, the room was dim. A two-shelved bookcase was next to the mattress, and a lamp sat on top of it. A closet sporting a curtain instead of a door was across from where he and Yuichi rested. The curtain was blue.

Leo stared at the blank wall in front of him before he got up for the bathroom. He looked back at the rabbit sleeping soundly and spotted something. Resting above the mattress was a sheathed katana. Leo wanted to ask about it but he was in desperate need of a piss.

As Leo made his way through the faintly lit hallway, he glanced at the other rooms. All of them were either empty or closed.

Leo reached the bathroom and didn’t bother to turn on the light, and instead left the door open a crack. A cup holding toothpaste and a blue toothbrush sat next to the sink, along with a bar of half-used soap. The shower contained an array of products in a plastic basket hanging from the shower head. No shower curtain, Leo assessed this was because of his delusions of being stalked and attacked.

Leo finished his business and washed his hands. He noticed the soap smelled like cherry almond.

“Shit where’s a towel?” Leo stood in the dark bathroom with wet hands, squinting for a towel of some kind. He realized that the mirror was openable. He opened it carefully, and his eyes fell on something lit by the crack in the door.

⳼⳼⳼⳼

Yuichi was half asleep when he felt Leo come out from under his arms. He heard the turtle sit beside him for some time before getting out of bed and leaving the room. He listened intently until he heard the bathroom door open. Yuichi sighed before falling back into slumber. 

A gasp arose from Yuichi when he awoke. He sat up and immediately realized that Leo was not in bed or anywhere in the room. How long had he been asleep?

“Leo?” Yuichi crept out of his room and turned the hallway light on. The bathroom door was slightly open. Meaning he was no longer in there. “Leo, where are you?” he called. With quiet steps, he reached the living room, the empty living room. He checked the balcony, nothing there either, except his dying Bonsais. The kitchen was empty, along with the dining room. Yuichi stepped out of his apartment. He didn’t care how ridiculous he looked barefoot in nothing but sports shorts. He scanned the floor before rushing back inside.

That turtle was up to something. Did he run away? Where was he running off to? Who else was there for Leo to run to? Vince? Yuichi thought these things as he opened the door to the laundry room.

Casey? He opened the second bedroom.

No, it has to be Vince. They were all buddy-buddy at the restaurant. He opened the last bedroom, full of boxes of the things he’s yet to unpack.

“I swear he better not be–” Yuichi’s sentence was cut short when he opened the bathroom door and found Leo leaning against the bathtub. “There you are! What the hell are you doing?!” Only when the turtle didn’t answer did he realize Leo was clearly in distress. “Leo, are you okay?” Yuichi took a step into the bathroom. The tiled floor chilled his feet.

Leo’s knees were pressed against the arms he was hugging his plastron with. His eyes were fixated on the space in front of his feet.

“Leo, what’s wrong?” Yuichi inched closer and examined his bathroom for a clue as to whatever was happening. He spotted something lying next to the sink. It was a razor blade. Yuichi’s eyes trailed to his mirror, it was wide open, and a tiny box rested on the center shelf between his old medication and extra toothpaste. The tiny box was open, and Yuichi knew that three other razors resided inside the box.

“Shit. Leo, Leo, are you okay?” The rabbit was in front of him immediately. “Leo, show me your wrists.” Leo had no response.

“Leo, I’m sorry, I forgot I had those in there. I’ll take them away, okay? But you need to tell me if you’re okay.” Strained silence filled the space between them before Yuichi settled next to Leo. Not even a minute later, the turtle turned to him.

“You haven’t been hurting yourself, have you?”

“What? Leo, I’ve been with you the entire time. I’m okay. But what about you?”

“No…”

Yuichi took hold of Leo’s hands and pulled up his hoodie sleeves. Nothing but old scars lived on his green skin. “What about your legs?” Leo stretched out his legs. Yuichi looked at them before he decided there wasn’t anything to be concerned about. “Then what happened?”

“I saw the box and I panicked. I thought about using one. My hands–” Yuichi glanced at the turtle's hands at the same time Leo did. “They really felt the impulse. I’ve done it so many times, it was like second nature. Obviously, I didn’t do anything. I dropped it, and I guess I just needed a second.”

“I’m sorry, Leo. I forgot I had those in there. I’ll take them away.”

“Throw them away.”

“What?”

“Don’t just take them away. Throw them away. Get rid of them permanently. Please.”

“... Okay.”

“Thank you… Now! I think it’s time to have some breakfast!” Leo bounced up and exited toward the kitchen in a hurry. As if leaving the bathroom would simultaneously leave behind his problems. Yuichi rose from the floor slowly and put the razor back in its place. Holding the tiny cardboard box in his hands, he heavily debated with himself.

Finally, Yuichi departed from the bathroom, and hidden behind the extra face wash and toilet paper, the razors sat in the cupboard underneath the sink.