Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It didn’t come straight from God. He was too busy for individual human needs. Angels paid attention to their prayers. Sometimes, a voice would be louder than others. There were people who were so troubled that they needed divine intervention. A lost soul, searching for the guide back to reality, would call out to the angels.

He was to choose his first assignment.

Minor angels did not get names. They were not given identifiers of any kind, such as numbers. They did not even get proper bodies. He was just a conscious speck in a sea of light. He was one of the least significant angels, truly the bottom of the angelic barrel. But he knew his mission - his sole purpose. Soon, he would be on Earth, posing as a human to quickly give his assignment the push they needed.

Most angels were usually only gone for a few moments. An angel being on Earth for more than a few hours could raise suspicion. Humans would not be able to handle their grace if they got too close. Not many angels had tried, and those who did were wiped from existence. At least, that’s what he was told.

This Angel had to pick carefully for his first assignment. Someone troubled, so he could impress his higher ups, but not too troubled so they were a lost cause. He had plenty of practice in his head. The Angel figured he would know what to say for most situations.

He loved humanity. His peers were apathetic to them. It was just a job. But this Angel felt differently. He could see the good in these tiny people, even if they were bad.

He watched people from all over the Earth. He knew every way of life. The Angel had seen and learned everything that there was to know. He spent more time than he should have watching down on them. He was just being picky. But there was not a time limit. He heard millions of prayers and could never catch the right one before someone else did. He didn’t mind having to wait if it meant he’d get more time to observe.

It took him a long time. But he found one. The Angel had found the perfect one.

He had actually ended up watching him for quite a while. Too long, in fact, to be normal. The Angel was not sure if he wanted to help him. He’d have to move on after if he did. He wasn’t sure he’d be ready for it. There was something drawing him to the insignificant life.

The man prayed almost every day. He cried for help, he cried to be let go, and he pleaded to be set free. He begged God, when he was actually talking to the angels, to give him some sort of sign. The Angel couldn’t help but be infatuated with him.

He had a way with words that only The Angel was able to truly understand. Everyone would just hear him and consider him a lost cause. But The Angel listened to him.

Tyler Joseph.

That was his name. Tyler Joseph had a voice that could mirror one of The Angel’s own kind. His brown eyes and sad smile made The Angel feel a way that angels should not have felt. He was different from the rest of his kind, just like Tyler Joseph was. He was intrigued by it. He loved the man.

He needed to go down when the time was right, even if he had to wait years to meet him. He could have done a million assignments before he met Tyler Joseph just to put it off. But that would require giving up listening to his words.

He had been watching Tyler Joseph for multiple years at that point. He knew the man better than he knew himself. To The Angel, he was the only human that even mattered.
What would he even say if he had the chance?

He stopped himself from drifting off in thought and paid attention to Earth again. Tyler Joseph was in his bedroom in his small apartment. It was three in the morning on a Sunday night. He wasn’t directly praying, but The Angel could still hear the words he said aloud.

“I just need some sort of sign.” The man pleaded with his head in his hands, “I don’t understand. I don’t understand. I don’t understand.”

He picked his head up and looked up, “I need something. I need sleep. I could just…I could just go home to you and no one would care. God, I dedicate my life to you. Just stop. Stop the nightmares. Or let me back into your arms…”

The man turned to lay back down in his bed. He looked up at the ceiling with glassy eyes as he lightly traced the healed scars on his wrist. The Angel knew of those from years in the past. Tyler Joseph promised himself he would stop that, and to give him credit, he did. But he harped on them whenever he couldn’t sleep. No one had ever seen them anyway. The Angel did.

It made The Angel sad. He talked like that almost every night. It was cruel to leave him to his suffering just because he did not want to let him go. When was enough going to be enough? What if Tyler Joseph decided to truly “come home” before he got the chance to save him? He was getting too attached. He needed to save this man if he truly cared about him.

Maybe tonight would have to be the night that The Angel finally took the leap down to him. He had to put Tyler Joseph’s life before his selfishness. His love for the man was never significant in the first place. It was inappropriate - frankly uncalled for.

“I need you.” Tyler Joseph said to the ceiling again. The Angel knew he wasn’t talking to him. He was talking to God. But it was almost as if he was being spoken to directly. That was his sign. His final push.

“I’m going down.” The Angel said to nobody. No one paid any mind to him. He was the angel that never did anything, so everyone around him ignored him.

When angels went down to Earth, they took the form of what they believed the human would respond the most positively to. He had been plotting this for quite some time. He knew that what Tyler Joseph needed was a friend who appealed to him, but not so much that was obvious.

He chose a vessel of a twenty-three year old man. He was around the same height as Tyler Joseph, with shaggy black hair that covered over his eyes. He had black gauges and a lip piercing. He chose a simple black hoodie and ripped jeans. It was a look that Tyler Joseph liked, even if he would have never admitted it to anyone else. It was perfect. He made sure to give himself a simple cell phone and wallet with cash. That was just in case.

He had to give himself a name. He probably would not need to, anyway. He was just there to give Tyler a quick push. He would only be there for a few minutes and then leave his life forever. The thought of it made The Angel feel anguished. Could this really finally be it? He’d find other humans to help. But they were not him. Maybe the name would come to him if Tyler Joseph asked.

He willed himself to go down to Earth. While he was there, he had the human body. It was hard to get used to walking and seeing the world from that point of view. It was dark out. The Angel should have waited until morning, but it was too late. He was outside Tyler Joseph’s apartment building. He put a hand on a lamppost with an intriguing sticker. It was the only thing illuminating the road at night. The light slightly hit his face, just enough that he would have been seen. It had a perfect view of Tyler’s room.

He would have to wait there until morning. He did not want to freak him out. He had seen this apartment building so many times, but he never thought he’d ever actually be there. The light for Tyler Joseph’s apartment was brightly lit. It was hard for him not to be able to see him. He stood right underneath and looked up. Tyler Joseph lived on the second floor.

Tyler Joseph moved over to his window and looked out to the skyline of the city. This was normal for him. He looked outside for guidance often. Why did it feel so sudden and out of place to The Angel? He felt his human heart skip when he saw him in the flesh. He couldn’t see him perfectly, but just enough. The man stared up at the sky for a moment, before looking down. He locked eyes with The Angel and furrowed his brows.

The Angel panicked and turned around as casually as he could and walked away. Before he could see what the human did, he started to run. He remembered he was able to teleport, and did so as soon as he was out of eyesight. He was only a couple blocks away, near where Tyler’s church was. That was too close for comfort. He saw him. The Angel hoped that it was simply too dark so he wasn’t properly seen.

When he knew the coast was clear, he let himself calm down. He was not used to the body of a human. It hurt a lot more than being a beam of light. He started walking again without looking and felt something hard and cold. And then he stopped feeling at all.

---

He woke up on the ground.

Who was “he” anyway?

The gravel under his hands was the first thing he felt. And then the pulsing ache of his head. Oh, it burned. It was nothing like he felt before. It was awful. He sat up and rubbed his head. There was a bump, but nothing too major. It was cold. Snow fluttered down on his eyelashes. He blinked and looked up.

There were two children staring down at him.

“Are you okay?” One of them asked.

“You were laying down. We’re walking to school and saw you on the ground so we kicked you.” The other said.

“Thanks.” He rolled his eyes and stood up. He used the pole next to him as leverage.

Where was he?

“What were you doing on the floor?” The kid asked.

“I don’t know.” The man responded.

“Did you get too drunk?” The other kid laughed at him.

“No. I don’t think so.” The man shook his head. He looked around, his brain still foggy.

“Then you should probably go to the hospital. It looks like you hit your head.” The first child paused as if to think.

“I think I’ll be fine. I just need to figure out where I was going.” The man replied to the children, “I think I’m supposed to go this way.”

Why was he here? Why did he lie to these kids and tell them he needed to go somewhere?

“Into the church?” The kids asked together with puzzled looks.

“Yeah. The church. I remembered that’s where I was headed before I was on the floor.” Another lie.

The kids stared at him but accepted the answer. They went on their way. He tried to go into the church to prove a point to the kids, but the door was locked. Embarrassed, he sat on the bench outside the
door. He tried so hard to think about what had happened to him.

There was only one thing he could remember.

Tyler Joseph.

It had been ringing in his mind since he opened his eyes. Was that his own name? Was he Tyler Joseph?

He needed to find out who Tyler Joseph was.

Find Tyler Joseph.

Chapter Text

ACT I: SELF-TITLED

He had to admit he was a bit freaked out. Tyler had asked God for a sign and suddenly some stranger was staring up at him from outside his apartment?

When they locked eyes, the man ran off. Was his band finally getting popular enough to get stalkers? He could not even get five people from the congregation to show up to his concerts at the church. Plus, he had never seen the guy before in his life. Maybe he was on a bad drug trip and happened to stop right outside of Tyler’s apartment. It was the only one with a light still on.

Tyler turned away from his window and tried to shake off the chills creeping down his spine. He sat on his bed again and turned his bedside lamp off. He certainly wasn’t going to be able to sleep now. Tyler couldn’t get the thought of that guy out of his head.

Could he have been a sign from God? Or was Tyler truly losing it?

Tyler stared at his phone for another hour. He looked through local Facebook groups and “people you may know” to see if the guy would show up. He came up with nothing. His head was pounding out of his skull. His movements became slower and slower as the insomnia took over. There was no point in trying anymore. He slept three hours the night before. That would probably be enough to get him going the next day. He could just drink a couple Redbulls.

It was always worse when Mark wasn’t around. Mark was Tyler’s roommate. But sometimes he was either out late with a photography job, or he was at a friend's house. Tonight, he was spending the night with a friend. Tyler couldn’t remember his name. But when he was truly alone, it was when his mind took over.

Tyler was not suicidal. He just wanted sleep. He wanted the migraines to stop. Tyler wanted to have peaceful dreams. He’d rather be dead than deal with this pain much longer.

He was fighting it the best that he could. Even if he had to go through it alone. No one understood how he felt either way. Tyler was actively against killing himself. He did whatever he could to force himself to stay alive, even if it was the last thing he wanted. He was just stuck in the vicious cycle of feeling “better” and wanting to jump into traffic.

How he spent his nights was between him and God, anyway. He never let Mark hear what he’d say at night. He had friends, family, and a close knit congregation at church. He worked there, so he was close with his pastor as well. But none of them knew what he truly went through every night. He tried his best to hide it in the lyrics when he performed. He had his own collections of songs that he would write during his sleepless nights that would never see the light of day. He already had to worry about pretending to be normal around his family.

Tyler managed to sleep an hour and a half before his alarm went off. He shut it off and let out a sigh as he stared at the ceiling again. The sunlight creeped through the shutters from his window. The morning was what killed his demons. But he missed the moon. Seeing her outside was his only solace when the nightmares engulfed his body. Shivers shot through his spine as he felt his head twitch. He needed to get a move on or else he would be late again.

He slid his legs off the bed and walked to the shower.

He thought about the guy from earlier that morning as he felt the scalding water hit his back. Why was he staring at him? Was it just a coincidence that he was looking up as he was walking by? Tyler was overthinking again, as he did with most things.
Tyler stood under the water and let the pain of the hot water flow through his body. Heat was his current form of “on the line” self harm. It wasn’t really anything bad because it didn’t leave a mark. But Tyler knew it was wrong.

Sometimes the pain was what he needed to get by; to prove he was alive.

Anything to feel something.

He shut the water off once he was done and stepped out. He brushed his teeth without eating breakfast. Tyler got dressed for the day and sat at his dining room table. He scrolled through the various social media apps until it was time for him to head out. He’d stop at the convenience store on his walk to work and get a Redbull. That was a fine enough breakfast.

Tyler still felt uneasy on his walk to work. His back shivered with paranoia. It was only a couple blocks from his apartment. He was the administrator at his church. It paid well enough to pay his bills, and gave him the opportunity to advertise his band for free. If he was the one planning events and making flyers, he was going to promote himself. It was the best he could do with his situation.

He wanted to pursue music. He gave up his parents dream of him playing basketball and going to college. Tyler didn’t even last a year, which was pathetic in and of itself. Not to mention the major panic attack that caused him to walk into oncoming traffic. For now, he just had this small job at the church to get by. One day, Tyler hoped he would make something of himself.

He sipped his Redbull and almost dropped it when he saw who was sitting on the bench outside of the church. Tyler didn’t want to move another inch. He stood still twenty feet away. Surely the man must have noticed him by now. But he was just staring blankly ahead.

Tyler cautiously walked forward. He had to open the doors by eight AM. He paid no mind to the man, hoping that maybe he was just hallucinating. His sleepless nights must have caused him to imagine an emo guy. He turned the lock and opened the door. Tyler caught himself turning back and looking at the man again.

“Are you just sitting there, or did you need to come in?” Tyler asked, “Pastor usually isn't in exactly at eight.”

The man blinked and turned his head. Tyler then noticed the bump on his forehead. It was not there last night.

“Oh…Yeah...” The man softly laughed to himself and stood up, “I need to speak to the pastor. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Okay…” Tyler was tempted to call the cops.

“Can I come in with you?” He asked.

“Yeah.” Tyler said stoically. He was not in work mode, so his sociable mask was not on yet.

“Thanks.” The man walked behind him.

“You can sit out here on the chair and wait. He should be in within an hour.” Tyler motioned to a semi-comfortable living chair that was in the hallway outside his office.

“Okay. Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Where are we?” He asked.

“What do you mean?” Tyler asked him, “What church is this?”

“No. Well, yes. But uh, where in the world?”

“Columbus, Ohio.”

“And that is?”

Tyler could not believe that. He opened his office and motioned for the man to follow him. He wasn’t going to stick a man who didn’t know what Ohio was outside the office by himself. There was a table for meetings in his office and he pointed to a chair. The man cautiously sat down and Tyler sat across from him.

“Columbus is the city we’re in. Well, we’re in a more suburban area of Columbus.” Tyler took another sip of his Redbull.

“Oh. Where is Ohio?” He asked.

“Are you okay?” Tyler asked, his polite mask still not on yet.

“Maybe.” He responded.

“Do you remember anything from last night?” Tyler asked without thinking.

“I don’t remember anything.” The man said honestly.

“You have a pretty bad bump on your head. Something must have happened. Have you had that checked out?” Tyler asked him. He got up from the chair to get him a cup of water from his water cooler.

“I don’t remember anything except waking up on the ground. I was by a pole, so I can imagine I hit my head on it. I feel fine otherwise. The pain is mostly gone. I have a wallet but there’s only money in it. I have a phone but it’s completely blank.” He said.

“That's inconvenient.” Tyler said.

“I also remember the name Tyler Joseph. I think that might be my name.”

Tyler gave the man a side-eye. He gripped the water cup so he wouldn’t drop it. Tyler finished filling the cup and handed it to the man. He said nothing else and sat across from him. He leaned on his hand and covered his mouth.

“What?” The man asked.

“Nothing. Maybe you’re right. Why else would you be thinking of that name?” Tyler shrugged his shoulders.

“I don’t know. But it must be important if I’m remembering it. I don’t know anything else.” The man took a sip of the water.

“Hopefully the Pastor can help you find something when he gets here. I need to get started on work.”

Tyler prayed that maybe this guy's name was Tyler Joseph. It was extremely unlikely. It wasn’t the most uncommon name, but what were the chances? He took his phone out and searched his own name on Facebook. No one else in Columbus. He widened the search and none of the faces were this man’s face. Not even in public record.

“Say that you weren’t Tyler Joseph. What other reason do you think you’re remembering that name for?” Tyler asked after a few moments of uncomfortable silence.

“I don’t know. Maybe it was an ad I saw on TV before I hit my head.”

“Well.” Tyler paused, unsure if he should give his personal information out.

The man stared at him quizzically for a moment, “Are you Tyler Joseph? Your nameplate says Tyler Joseph on it.” He pointed to the golden nameplate on his desk. Tyler cursed in his head.

“Yeah.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say that before?” The man frowned.

“I don’t know.”

“Okay… Do you know me?” The man asked.

Tyler shook his head, “No. I’ve never seen you in my life.”

“Okay.” The man said again. The silence filled the room again. Both looked at each other without words. The man had wonderful dark eyes. Usually he would avert his gaze when someone looked at him, but he couldn’t help himself. Tyler let his lips slightly part as the heat flushed to his face.

He caught himself staring so he moved over to his desk to start work. What was he doing?

“Do you want a temporary name?” Tyler asked, “since you don’t have one? We can call you something else once we recognize you.”

“Sure.” The man shrugged, still staring at Tyler.

“Uhm.” Tyler thought aloud. He glanced around the room and forgot every name he’s ever heard. He glanced at his rip-away calendar that had Bible verses of the day. He ripped to see which one was today’s verse.

Joshua 1:9

"Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; don’t be afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithsoever thou goest."

“Joshua.” Tyler said. He read the verse aloud.

“Joshua.” He repeated.

“It’s the book from which the Bible quote of the day comes from. It’s good enough so that I have something to call you until you can figure this out. Josh, for short.” Tyler opened his emails so that he could get actual work done.

“I like the name Josh.” Josh said, “at least I have that going for me.”

“That’s something.” Tyler nodded. They didn't speak again until Pastor came in. He didn’t let himself look at Josh again. His eyes were superglued to the blinding white light of his emails. He read the same email ten times because he couldn’t comprehend the word.

“I think the passage you read was cool.” Josh said, “It sounds like a good thing to be named after.”

“I…guess so.” Tyler said slowly. He glanced over at Josh again to see him smiling. Tyler did not want to reciprocate the smile.

Pastor Keons walked in and smiled at Tyler, “Good morning.”

“Morning.” Tyler glanced up at him.

“And who is this?” Pastor motioned to Josh.

“I’m Josh.” He smiled.

“And what brings you to our congregation, Josh?”

“I don’t know.” Josh said.

“He hit his head on one of the poles outside of the church. He came in here without any memories.” Tyler said, still looking at his email.

”Oh. Did he get taken to the hospital?” Pastor asked.

“No. He said he didn’t want to.” Tyler responded.

“Very well. If we notice any more negative behaviors we will have to bring him. Come, my son. Let's step into my office and I will set you on the right path.” Pastor motioned for Josh to come with him into the office connected to Tyler’s.

He paid no mind to them as they walked past him.

Tyler tried his best not to let his curiosity get the best of him. The walls were soundproof anyway. Anything could be happening in that room and Tyler would never know. Why was he letting this guy bother him so much? “Josh” was probably someone who was on drugs who walked around the city at night. Only idiots and drug users would hit their head on an obvious pole. He only showed up at Tyler’s house and his place of work because of some coincidence.

Tyler still couldn’t focus on his work. All he cared about was what Josh and Pastor were talking about. Why were they taking so long in there? It felt like hours.

A woman walked into his office with a form for their upcoming supper, “Is it true that there’s a homeless man in here?”

“No. Someone hit his head outside and lost his memories. Pastor Keons is just trying to help him remember.” Tyler wondered how this woman knew this already.

“It’s about time something happened here. I swear nothing good happens at this church anymore.” She motioned towards the Pastor’s door.

“Yeah.” Tyler said. Tyler did perform music every now and then. That had to count as something good that happened at the church. Tyler was usually good at putting on a good sociable mask at work, but he was too distracted.

“Something on your mind? Is he disturbed?” The elderly woman whispered the last word.

“No, sorry. I just have a dinner to plan for the Christmas service this year, and I’m not sure what to serve for dessert. I may ask for people to bring one of their own.” Tyler lied.

“That’s what you always do anyway.” She said, “Can I get a sign-up for the pageant this year for my granddaughter? I hear you’re performing at the pageant this year. Again.”

“Yeah.” Tyler stood up and sorted through his file drawer to find the pageant sign up sheets.

Josh walked out by himself.

“Oh! You must be the man who lost his memories. That must be so hard for you. Look at you. You’re so…” The woman walked over to him and grabbed his hand.
Josh laughed nervously, “I’m handling it a lot better than I thought I would. The pastor offered me a job here so I can get back on my feet. Turns out I don’t exist.”

“No records?” Tyler asked.

“Nope. We spent a lot of time looking.” Josh shrugged.

“That’s horrible! Pastor is so generous to help you so much.” The woman took the form from Tyler.

“Yeah. Generous.” Tyler tried not to make a face, although he knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid it. It took him a while to get the job he had here, and this man got it without trying? Maybe Tyler should have been the one to run into a pole.

“You’re going to love it here. Everyone is so nice. Tyler can be a bit… but he’s genuinely a sweet boy. He has wonderful parents too. The faith is strong in this church.“

“I’ve heard” Josh smiled warmly at the woman. The charm oozed from Josh’s lips as he spoke to her.

“Oh my! I have to get back to the senior center before I miss my chance to go to daytime bingo.” The lady hugged the form to her chest and left.

“So you’re going to be working here?” Tyler asked Josh. He couldn’t avoid looking at him this time. He felt nervous when he looked at Josh. He realized that it had to be because of last night. Seeing the same guy who was outside his house would freak any guy out. He was forced to be nice and friendly to this stranger. Now they would be coworkers too.

“Yeah. Just custodial work, like cleaning. Instead of paying me, I’m going to be staying here until someone claims me.” Josh said.

“Staying here?” Tyler furrowed his brows.

“There’s a couch here that I can sleep on. Pastor said he can’t keep me in his home. There’s cameras in most of the places here, so if I did something bad, then he would know. I don’t know what bad thing I would do here, anyway. He said to make sure no one knows. I’m staying at a hotel if anyone asks.”

“That’s…uncharacteristic. He must feel pretty bad for you.” Tyler looked away from him again. He hated how he could be so cynical. He couldn’t control it sometimes. He tried so hard to be a better person, but it was so much energy. He had to do it enough at work.

“I guess so.” Josh laughed and looked wherever Tyler turned his head to.

“Maybe he just sees it as an opportunity for free labor.” Tyler closed his eyes.

“Or something like that. I’m still a bit torn on you.”

“Listen. I don’t know what you’d want to do with me.” Tyler said, “I don’t know why you would remember my name.”

“Pastor thinks it’s because I was interested in joining the church before I hit my head. You’re well known as being the secretary here, so I must have been thinking about that right before.” Josh moved some of the hair from his eyes.

That couldn’t have been it. Why would he show up to his house then? Tyler doubted someone who looked the way Josh did would be super interested in coming to their church anyway. They were mostly average looking people at Tyler’s church. Josh stuck out like a sore thumb with his alternative look. The lip piercing was enough to get glares from some of the older women.

“That makes sense.”

“I wish it could have been something more extraordinary.” Josh looked back at Tyler.

“What?” Tyler met his eyes again.

“I don’t know. I don’t remember who I am. But it would be cool to have been here with a real purpose…even if it was just to meet up with someone. The church is all I have to work off of right now. I’m just lucky that the pastor was nice enough to give me opportunities. Does that make sense? I’m not sure I know how to properly articulate what I’m trying to say.”

“Oh. I get that.” Tyler nodded.

“Maybe I’ll find a better purpose soon. It was nice to meet you, Tyler. I’m glad you were the first person I met. Other than those kids.”

“I’m happy you were able to have someone.”

“All that’s left to do now is get to work.” Josh said.

Chapter Text

Josh had been at the church for a couple of days. He came to Tyler on a Monday, it was Thursday. Josh mainly kept to himself while they were working. He vacuumed, dusted, washed any dishes, and cleaned the bathrooms. When Josh had nothing specific to clean, he would sit at the table in Tyler’s office and help him staple papers.

Josh was starting to grow on him. It took Tyler time to really let people in. He still found it impossible to be in the same room as him, but he was getting more tolerable. Tyler just felt uneasy around him still. He knew something Josh didn’t know. Josh was nothing but kind and sweet to Tyler, and all Tyler knew how to do was be short with him. But it was as if Josh didn’t care.

They had learned nothing new about him. Everything Josh learned about himself was discovered through his new experiences. Tyler learned that he was patient. He was quiet when he needed to be, and would usually go along with whatever Tyler had to say when people came to visit.

“What’s the Bible verse of the day today?” Josh asked, folding some of the pamphlets Tyler had given him.

“Let me look.” Tyler pulled up the rip-away calendar. Josh asked this every day.

Job 16:20-21

My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as one pleads for a friend.

Tyler read it aloud.

“What does that mean?” Josh asked.

Tyler had been explaining each of the verses to Josh after he read them. Josh was still fairly new to their religion. He took it in with open arms. That was one thing that made Tyler happy. It was something normal that he could bond with Josh over, almost like a teacher.

“It’s basically saying that even if others scorn you, someone in heaven will always be there as your defender to God. At least, that’s how I interpret it. I see it that we all have someone looking out for us. Whether it be God, or something else.” Tyler explained.

“I understand. You make things seem so easy, Tyler.” Josh smiled.

“Thanks.” Tyler looked away from him again.

“I finished the pamphlets you gave me.” Josh said, “thank you for the clothes by the way. We’re very similar sizes, so it helps a lot.”

“You wore that hoodie three days in a row. You started to stink.” Tyler smiled to himself.

Josh laughed at that, “I think you could handle a bit of the smell. This shirt smells good. It smells like you, right?”

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded, taking what Josh said at face value.

Josh smelled the shirt again, “You use a woodsy cologne?”

“My mom gave me one from Bath and Body works. I haven’t really used anything else since.” Tyler shrugged.

“Well. It works for you.” Josh smiled.

They were silent again.

“If I have memory loss…how come I can remember most things?” Josh asked.

“A lot of people with amnesia forget memories. But they retain most basic knowledge. Some people even develop completely different personalities, while still knowing everything they learned in school. It works differently for every person.” Tyler explained. He looked it up the other day.

“Oh. Okay.” Josh nodded. After a few moments of silence, “What if I’m a bad person?”

“I don’t know. That doesn’t really matter.” Tyler stepped away from his computer to grab something he printed.

“Shouldn’t it?” Josh asked.

“No.” He shook his head, “You are who you are now. Whatever you’ve done before is in God’s hands. Unless you’re lying about your memory loss. It’s a good time for you to start fresh.” Tyler handed Josh a huge stack, “Can you staple these together? They’re hymns for Sunday’s service.”

“What is church like?” Josh took the papers and read the contents.

“It’s like attending a book club with a lot of like minds. There’s singing, reading, sermons, and praying. Sometimes I use the time to talk to God.”

“How do you talk to God?” Josh asked.

“Everyone does it differently. It’s called praying. Maybe He actually listens. Maybe he doesn’t. But it’s nice to feel like there’s always someone listening. It makes you feel less alone.” Tyler sat across from him and took half the stack of papers.

“Do you pray often?”

“Every day.”

“Oh. Okay. Maybe I should pray and ask God if he can tell me who I am.”

“God may answer you if you do. But you have to make sure you’re ready to what he has to say.” Tyler said.

“Church sounds fun. Do a lot of people show up?” Josh said, ignoring Tyler’s last comment.

“Sometimes. There’s a lot less than there used to be. Sometimes we get extra people when my band plays. But not usually. We play again next Sunday for a special service.”

“You have a band?” Josh asked, sitting up a bit more.

“Yeah. It’s nothing major. My buddy from college and a friend of ours made it a while back. I like to write whatever’s on my mind.” Tyler stapled two pages together.

“That’s pretty cool. I’m excited to see you play next Sunday.” Josh smiled warmly at Tyler, “I’m glad you’re the person who I first talked to. At least you’re interesting.” Josh said that almost every day. He just hadn’t met many other people yet. Tyler was not all that interesting. He was the most average guy in Columbus. Everyone around here tried to start a band. He played in a small church.

“I’m just blessed to be able to play music with my buds.” Tyler shrugged.

“I wish I could play an instrument.” Josh said.

“Maybe you can. Some people with amnesia remember skills.” Tyler said.

Josh stapled a few more papers without saying anything, “maybe. But I doubt it. I… I don’t think I was much. No one has come looking for me or reported me missing.”

“It’s only been a few days, Josh.” Tyler stopped mid staple.

“I know. But I…” Josh didn’t seem like he was able to come up with the right words.

“I know. It’s human nature to search for a purpose. You want to be wanted. Not knowing who you are or what you’re meant to be is awful. I understand better than you could know, Josh.”

“I don’t think you do.”

“Not in the same way you do. But…Nevermind.” Tyler looked away.

“You can make a missing person’s report at any time. It’s been plenty of time.” Josh said, “I keep using my phone to check any from the area. It’s as if I don’t even exist.”

“Just give it time. Or accept the life you can have here.” Tyler sighed, getting frustrated.

—

“I’m Josh.” Josh held his hand out to Tyler’s mom. She came to visit Tyler for lunch the next day.

“Hi, Josh. I’m Kelly. You didn’t tell me about a new coworker. Why would the church hire a stranger?” She asked Tyler that last part quietly.

“He’s the guy with amnesia. I’m sure Martha told everyone.” Tyler replied. Tyler could tell Josh had heard everything by the quick change in face. He changed his look once he noticed Kelly look back at him.

“Oh, that’s right. I hear you’re still trying to figure everything out, Josh. It’s great to meet you. I’m sure you’ve been working with Pastor on finding yourself and God?”

“Yeah.” Josh nodded, “Tyler’s been helping me a lot too. He’s made it feel less lonely.”

“That’s great. He’s a good one for that.” Kelly smiled at Tyler, “we’re heading to lunch, Josh. Do you want to join us?”

“Sure!”

That was the last thing Tyler wanted. He spent enough time at work with Josh. A couple minutes of peace would have been nice. Josh followed them to Kelly’s car. Every Friday, he went to a local diner with his mom for lunch. It was the only time the two of them were able to spend time together without his siblings or dad around. And now Josh was taking that from him too.

Josh just ended up charming Tyler’s mom the entire lunch. He’d awkwardly crack jokes, and look to Tyler for approval. He did not eat, which Tyler thought was pretty weird. He never saw Josh eat. He always claimed that he had just eaten.

Of course Josh had to sit across from him for the entire lunch. He was always looking at Tyler. And Tyler tried so hard to avoid looking back at him. When Josh was directly across from him, it was hard to avert his eyes. Those soulful almost-black eyes. He spoke to Tyler with them, whether it was intentional or not. It was like he could connect to Tyler’s soul in an unspeakable way.

He only knew this guy for four days. He wondered if he secretly tortured Josh in the same way he did to Tyler, or if he was oblivious to it.

Tyler’s mom dropped them off before she headed back to work.

“You should have told me you had such a nice mom.” Josh smiled, “sorry I didn’t talk much.”

“I don’t think she minded. My mom is nice, yeah.” Tyler said as they walked into the building. They made the turn into Tyler’s office.

“I think I’m going to go downstairs and clean up the classrooms.” Josh said. The church hosted a preschool during the morning hours. They usually kept it pretty messy so Josh would have something to do in the afternoons.

“Sounds good to me.” Tyler nodded and watched Josh head down the hall to the stairs.

“Tyler. Just the person I was waiting for.” Pastor smiled, “can you come into my office?”

Tyler nodded and sat down in the chair across from Pastor’s.

“What do you think of Josh so far? Do you think we should keep him here?” He asked.

“I think Josh is fine enough. He gets work done, and he usually helps me too.”

“I mean on a personal level. He does a decent job as a worker. But what do you think of his personality?”

Tyler felt taken aback by that one. Josh was fine? He shrugged, “he’s a good guy. I’ve never had a real problem with him. He can get quiet but he’s nice when people come in.”

“Good. I did some more research to try to find out more about him. It still came up with nothing. I think I am going to take him to get fingerprinted. I want to make sure he’s not a criminal that I have living in my church.”

“That makes sense. Maybe you’ll get a match and it can give him some peace. He’s struggling with his identity right now.” Tyler sighed, “I think he’s very troubled and doesn’t know how to express it.”

“I agree…Hopefully someone might recognize him on Sunday. Since we suspect he was here to go to church, someone must have invited him.” Pastor thought aloud, “his cell phone is a tracfone with a lot of minutes and no name with the bill.”

Tyler was not sure about that. He still hadn’t told anyone about last Sunday night. Josh probably wasn’t here to go to church, nor was he invited. Someone would have said something by now if he was, since the rumors were spreading. Josh was probably a stalker before losing his memories. Tyler’s band wasn’t popular by any means, but there was a chance Josh was just a fan who wanted to get to know him.

“Anyway, that’s it. I just wanted to get your insight on ‘Josh’. Where did you get that name anyway?”

“Joshua 1:9. It was the verse of the day when he came in.” Tyler said.

“Very fitting for him. Good work.” Pastor nodded. Tyler left the room and got back to work.

Chapter Text

Josh woke up from the couch. It had been almost a week since he first hit his head. Tyler wasn’t going to be working on Saturday, so he had the entire day completely to himself. Pastor Keons told him not to work on Saturdays, since it would be his day off. He gave Josh a key so he could go outside, he just had to make sure he locked up when he left. Josh didn’t know where he would go anyway. He had no one.

Pastor had taken him to get fingerprinted and compared to public data. There was nothing. Josh existed to no one, he had to accept that.

He figured he was adjusting to the change well enough. He had made a single friend who didn’t really seem to want to be around him. Josh just assumed he was nice because he had to be. He never seemed to want to look Josh in the eyes. Josh couldn’t understand why. He liked Tyler a lot. He wasn’t sure in what way yet, he still needed to get to know Tyler better. He would love to know him outside of work if Tyler allowed it.

He paced the halls of the church, trying to find anything to do. He should’ve asked Tyler for his number or something, but he didn’t want to pry. Tyler seemed to be put off by him enough anyway. If church was anything like Tyler explained, Josh would probably make new friends when it started.

Josh ended up spending a bit of time making a Facebook account. Kelly told him about Facebook when they were at lunch the day before. He took a couple pictures of himself for his profile. He couldn’t fill out much. He knew where he lived, but not where he was born. He had no school, no work experience, no family, and no friends.

Josh found Tyler’s mom and decided to add her. She added him back right away, and so did the pastor. Facebook recommended Tyler as well so he figured he’d send a friend request too. Josh looked through Tyler’s account. He rarely posted. There were a lot of posts about his band performing and a lot of old posts about basketball. Tyler seemed to be extremely active in his faith and his church. He even went to a Christian high school and was the captain of their basketball team.

There weren’t any posts with a girlfriend, though. Josh was surprised. Tyler was attractive, was in a band, and had a good job. Dating could’ve been so easy for him. Tyler could have a girlfriend that he didn’t know about. He was probably in a long term relationship.

Josh could only hope that he was that interesting.

Tyler accepted Josh’s friend request and it made him sit up on the couch. His heart leapt and the overhead light flickered slightly. He saw a like on his profile picture from Tyler and felt it stop completely. The lights flickered again. Josh set the phone down and stopped in his tracks.

This wasn’t the first weird thing that happened to him since he woke up. His lack of appetite, his inability to sleep, and his lack of bathroom breaks puzzled him. Most people did that. In fact, every person went to the bathroom and slept. He even looked it up to check. Something was deeply wrong with him; and it wasn’t just the memory loss.

He could never tell anyone, not even Tyler. In a place like this, they might think he’s a demon. But Josh was just a person. He was a normal person. There was nothing special about him other than the fact he didn’t have bodily functions. Most of them, at least. There were still some human functions he was capable of. Maybe he had such bad amnesia that he forgot about the times he did normal human functions.

Josh decided to take a walk.

The fresh air felt great on Josh’s skin, even if it was freezing out. It was November 16th, so he could still wear the hoodie Tyler gave him and he would be fine. Josh would occasionally put the shirt under his nose just to get his scent. Josh couldn’t help feeling a connection to Tyler, since he was still the only person he knew well enough to call a friend.

Josh looked around at the neighborhood as he walked. He had a good view of the city. One day, he’d travel into the city itself to see what it was all about. Tyler told him a few things about Columbus. Tyler must’ve been proud of his hometown. His instincts told him to take a turn at the end of the road. He then just kept walking straight until he came across something familiar. There was a lamppost with a sticker on it. Where had he seen that sticker before?

Josh looked up with instinct. Why did he know this place? Why did he know to look up?
It was a start. Something about this building meant something to him. He wasn’t sure he was ready to find out yet. He didn’t want to remember his past life and risk losing the people he had met already. If he found out who he was, Tyler might not even want to be around him anymore. He already barely liked Josh.

Tyler walked out of the front door of the building. He was wearing a zip up jacket and a black beanie. His face was flush, and he was holding a folder. He stopped himself when he saw Josh standing on the sidewalk. Josh was too shocked to move. What were the chances?

“What are you doing here?” Tyler asked, also too shocked to move.

”What are you doing here?” Josh asked back.

“I’m going to the church to practice. I sent you a message about it on Facebook to warn you so you wouldn’t get freaked out when you saw me.” Tyler put the folder under his arm and crossed them.

“I was taking a walk. Do you live here?” Josh raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” Tyler responded.

“You live pretty close to the church. That’s pretty convenient.” Josh smiled. It was interesting to see Tyler in normal clothes. He dressed pretty nicely at work, since he was in an office.

“Yeah. I don’t have to drive.” Tyler awkwardly looked around, “where were you planning to walk?”

“I didn’t have a specific place. I just took a few turns and kept walking.”

“And you managed to get to my house?” Tyler frowned, “that doesn’t seem weird to you?”

“Not really. It’s just a weird coincidence. I promise, I didn’t know where you lived. I figured you lived further than this.” Josh was worried that Tyler would think he was being creepy. He genuinely didn’t know where he was going, even if it was his instincts telling him to go this way.

“Sure.”

“I mean it, Tyler. I’m not a stalker or something. I think if I was, I would do a better job of it. I’d probably have you in my basement by now.”

Tyler let out a laugh that seemed closer to a giggle. He stopped himself, covered his mouth, and forced a frown.

“That isn’t funny. It’s not funny.”

“Sorry.” Josh let himself smile.

“Do you…want to walk back to the church with me?” Tyler asked him.

“That would be great, yeah.” Josh smiled.
“Cool.” Tyler put his hands in his coat pocket and started walking forward without waiting up for Josh.

“I think it’s going to be cool to hear your band play.” Josh said after a few comfortable moments of silence as they walked.

“It isn’t much. I enjoy it, but it seems like no one really pays attention to it.”

“I don’t think that’s fair to you. I saw a couple videos from your Facebook. You’re really good.” Josh glanced at Tyler.

“I appreciate it. I don’t think I’m ever going anywhere with my music. But I don’t plan on stopping any time soon.”

“Good. I don’t think you should.” Josh smiled warmly at Tyler. Tyler glanced back at him for a moment before looking back at the road.

“Thanks…Do you want to watch in on our practice? Our drummer is at work, but you’ll get the idea.” Tyler asked.

“That’s okay if you don’t have your drummer. I think it’ll be cool to get a sneak peek before church tomorrow.” Josh’s arm brushed against Tyler’s as they walked. Both of them reacted instinctively and stepped to the side a bit. One of the lampposts nearby flickered a bit, even though it was the middle of the day.

They didn’t speak to each other again until they got to the church.

“Hey, Ty.” A man was standing by the door.

“Hey, Nick. Chris said he’s working this weekend, so it’s just us.” Tyler told Nick.

“Is this our interim drummer?” Nick pointed to Josh.

“No. That’s Josh. He’s…” Tyler looked at Josh, “A new friend of mine.”

Josh couldn’t help but smile as he waved. So at least Tyler considered him a friend.

“Nice to meet you, Josh. You should be our drummer for practice anyway. You look the part.” Nick said.

“Oh, no. I’ve never touched an instrument in my life.” Josh shook his head.

“Maybe you were a drummer in your past life.” Tyler unlocked the door and let the other two in, “Josh has amnesia, for context.”

“Oh?” Nick questioned.

“Yeah. A few days ago, Josh showed up at the church with no memories. I’ve been trying to get him to be a bit accustomed to life here and he’s been working with me.”

“Only one way to find out if he’s a drummer. We have a set here. You can at least try to use the snare.” Nick patted Josh on the back as they walked in.

“Oh…I don’t think I would be able to. I could try though. I don’t know any of the songs.”

“Neither do I.” Nick said, “Tyler gives me the vibe, the chords, and how he wants the song to go, and I just play what he tells me.”

“He’s talented in that way.” Josh nodded.
Tyler looked at Josh and his face turned a bit red, “We’ll find your talent, Josh.”

He couldn’t help but notice how much calmer Tyler seemed to be when there was someone he was comfortable with around. His shoulders relaxed, and his voice wasn’t as shaky. Tyler didn’t even force himself to look away from Josh while Nick was around. He even seemed to gravitate to Josh more, as if to show off that he had a new friend. Josh hoped one day he could make Tyler that comfortable.

The trio set up in the sanctuary of the church. Tyler went to the piano and opened it up. He started to play a couple random chords. Josh went and sat next to him on the piano so he could watch his fingers. Tyler stopped and seemed almost frozen with Josh next to him.

“I’m going to go get the simple drum set from storage. I think it’s just the snare and cymbal. Chris uses it when he doesn’t feel like using the whole set.” Nick said and left the room.

“If you’re not sure what to do, just go with what your heart tells you.” Tyler said.

“About the music?” Josh asked.

“Yeah… what else would I be talking about?” Tyler asked.

“No, I know that’s what you meant. I was just making sure.” Josh nodded. He touched a few piano keys.

Tyler looked at him again and watched his hands. Josh wasn’t playing anything, just softly touching the keys. He could feel Tyler’s stares as if their hands were touching. Tyler started playing something seriously on the piano. Josh kept his hands in place and watched as Tyler instinctively made up a tune.

“You’re really good.” Josh said.

“Thanks.” Tyler smiled softly, “I taught myself when I was younger.” He looked at Josh while still playing the music. Josh tapped his hand against the wood of the piano to a beat. Their thighs were touching, but neither seemed to mind or think anything of it. They were both focused on the music. Tyler blinked at Josh before forcing himself to look away. They spoke to each other through their movements.

Josh felt his heart flutter, and the light above them flickered once. Tyler didn’t seem to notice.

Tyler instinctively moved to the side when he saw Nick come back in. He was carrying a snare drum that had a single cymbal attached to it. He placed it next to the piano and handed Josh a pair of drumsticks.

“I can’t believe we’re really going to do this to Josh.” Tyler almost laughed, “he’s only been conscious for a week.”

“If he wants to stop, he can stop. What are we performing on Sunday?” Nick asked.

“There’s a hymn that I want to play, but that’s just for me to play the piano. I don’t think I have anything new that I can play during church.”

“What about the one about your day? I like that one” Nick asked.

“Before You Start Your Day. I could play that one. But that’s another one that’s just me.” Tyler hummed to himself as if to think, “I haven’t debuted that one. I could do it since Chris is going to be away. We don’t need to practice that here.”

“We could practice a non-church one.” Nick said, “You can play Addict With A Pen on Sunday too.”

“It’s risky. But people don’t ever actually listen to my lyrics anyway.” Tyler said.

“I’ve never heard this one.” Josh said.

“I haven’t put them anywhere, not even Facebook,” Tyler’s face looked cold, “This one is personal to me. I don’t know if I want everyone to hear it.”

“They’re all very personal to you, Ty.” Nick said, “No one is going to think twice about it.”

“Yeah. You’re right.” Tyler began to play notes on his piano. Without stopping, he looked at Josh, “Josh, go by the drums. I’ll look at you when I think the drums should come in. It should be mostly cymbal. I think bass is needed, but Chris has his full set at home right now.”

Josh went over to the single snare and cymbal. What was he supposed to do? He felt like he would know if he could play an instrument. Closest thing he had to experience was randomly using pencils to make a beat on a table. But that wasn’t real music.

Tyler began to sing after a moment of playing a melody. Josh couldn’t help but stare at him. Even though they were just practicing, he looked as though he was performing in front of a sold out crowd. He’d close his eyes during long notes and looked at Josh whenever his eyes were open. Tyler didn’t need to look at the piano. He must have played this song often.

The emotions in his eyes told Josh all of Tyler’s secrets. He was in pain; a pain that Josh understood. He felt Tyler’s connection to God in a way that he could not explain; in a way that Josh wished he could feel. He had no experiences, but he felt as though he was sharing one with Tyler.

Tyler opened his eyes at a certain part and raised his eyebrows at Josh. This was his cue to start.

As if it was nothing, Josh began to play. He let his body and soul take control of him as he made it up. He matched with Tyler’s mood as if they could read each other’s mind. Tyler pressed his mouth right up to the microphone and spoke-sang passionately. Josh was still enamored with him. He saw the videos of his performances, but it was different in person. He could feel Tyler’s wavelength. And he knew that Tyler could feel his.

Nick must have felt like some kind of third wheel.

The room was silent for over a minute after the song was over.

“That was really good, Tyler. You too, Josh.” Nick said, “I didn’t provide much, but I don’t think I needed to. You need to perform that tomorrow.”

“I don’t think I’d be ready to do that.” Josh said.

“No. I think you’re ready.” Tyler looked at Josh with nothing but awe. Josh couldn’t help but let the look on Tyler’s face make him blush.

The light above Josh flickered again. Tyler noticed this time.

“I think this lightbulb needs to be changed. It’s flickered a few times since we got in here. You might have to change it on Monday, Josh. I’ll find you the ladder.” Tyler looked up again.

“Yeah…” Josh looked up as well. The light didn’t flicker again.

“It’s as if it only flickers when I’m not paying attention.” Tyler joked. He felt like a different person than he was while they were working. There was more life in his eyes.

“That’s usually how it works.” Nick said, “Now, let’s practice a song I can actually be involved in.”

The three of them played music for about an hour. They practiced the same songs a few times, and there were a few times Tyler played parts on his own. Josh felt the wavelengths with Tyler during every song as if it was the first time. The time flew by faster than it ever had before.

“We need to have you play with us again. Any time Chris isn’t around, you need to be here.” Nick said as they started to pack up.

“Yeah. I’ll be here.” Josh didn’t have much of a choice, since he lived at the church.

“Do you want to come back to my place?” Tyler asked, “We’re going to get pizza for dinner. You could come over or something. Nothing major. It’s just Nick, Mark, and I.”

“Yeah!” Josh smiled. He was being included! Maybe Tyler was going to let him into his friend group.

Josh just wanted to belong, and he had hoped it would be with Tyler.

Chapter Text

Tyler could not believe what his life was becoming.

He had known Josh for almost three weeks at that point, and he stupidly invited him to Thanksgiving dinner with his family. More specifically, his mother invited Josh. She was almost obsessed with him. Tyler felt like she thought he would be a good friend for Tyler to have, so she was forcing the friendship.

She had found out that Josh was going to spend it alone, and decided that it would be unacceptable for him to spend his first Thanksgiving by himself. Tyler had to teach him what Thanksgiving was.

Tyler had to pick Josh up because his parents lived too far away for him to walk.

“Hey.” Josh smiled as he got into Tyler’s car.

“Hey.” Tyler smiled back.

He felt himself opening up more to Josh. He didn’t want to. The more people who knew him, the more likely he’d be found out. He worked too hard to create his shell, and he was so mad that someone else snuck their way through. He had never had much of a serious conversation with Josh, but he had opened up his soul to him through music. It was as if Josh knew him his entire life when they played music together.

He found himself seriously considering Josh as a friend. Josh made him laugh. When he was with Josh, he forgot about all of his personal problems.

He had other issues when Josh was around that Tyler wasn’t allowed to admit to himself. He ignored the stress Josh caused him when he looked at him. Tyler found himself thinking of nothing but Josh when he lay awake at night. His insomnia and nightmares were plagued with the man. He wasn’t ready to face those demons, and he probably never would be.

He could see Josh becoming his best friend. That was the type of chemistry that they developed.

“I’m excited to try Thanksgiving for the first time. I’m going to eat so much!” Josh seemed excited. Tyler was surprised. He had never seen Josh eat before. He’d always find some excuse to avoid it. People only ever avoided eating like that when they were troubled. Tyler had gone through a lot of food-averse phases. If Josh was depressed, Tyler wasn’t able to tell. He always seemed so happy.

“I’m glad to hear that.” Tyler nodded.

“So am I going to get to see your childhood bedroom?” Josh smirked.

Tyler laughed, “No..

“Who is going to be there from your family?” Josh asked.

“Just my parents, Zack, Jay, Maddy, and my grandparents. It’s usually bigger than that, but this year my cousins are with their own families.” Tyler said, “And you.”

“And me.” Josh smiled, “Thank you again for letting me come. It’s my first holiday. I can’t wait until Christmas, if it’s everything they make it seem like it will be. And maybe by New Years I’ll have a girlfriend or something so I can have a New Years kiss.”

Tyler felt himself frown at the last comment.

“Those are all good things.” Tyler nodded, “You must have been doing your research on holidays.

“Yeah. I remembered some of them. Mostly Christmas. I’m excited to hear you perform at the pageant.”

“Me too.”

“Are you going to perform on Sunday for your birthday?” Josh asked, “You haven’t mentioned when the next time you’re going to play is.”

Tyler froze.

“I never told you my birthday.” He said.

“I saw it on Facebook.” Josh shrugged, “Are you going to do something for it?”

“No. I don’t really care for my birthday.” Tyler shook his head, “I might perform. Probably not. I’m just going to go to church, and then go home.”

“No. Let me take you out.” Josh shook his head, “My friend is having a birthday. Friends celebrate birthdays.”

“Go out?” Tyler frowned. Surely Josh meant as friends.

“Yeah. With Chris, Nick, and Mark too.”

“Oh. Do you even know places around here where you could go for a birthday?” Tyler asked.

“I’m sure there’s places.” Josh said as they pulled into the Joseph’s driveway. They both got out of the car and Tyler grabbed the deviled eggs he made from the backseat.

“Your parents' house is nice.” Josh said.

“Yeah.” Tyler shrugged and they walked to the door.
Tyler didn’t bother to knock, he just opened the door. As expected, it was chaotic inside. Half of the people were cooking and the other half were taking up space in the living room. All of his siblings turned their heads towards the boys as they walked in.
“Hey!” Jay smiled. He was much younger than Tyler, by 10 years. All of his siblings still lived at home. It was so chaotic at their house that Tyler had to move out as soon as he got a good enough job. Mark offered to be his roommate and that was the push he needed.

“Where’s Mark?” Zack asked, “He usually comes with you.”

“He’s going to his parents this year.” Tyler answered.

“So you brought the amnesia guy instead?” Zack motioned to Josh.

“He doesn’t have a family. Mom invited him, be nice.” Madison sneered at Zack.

“It’s okay! I’m just happy to be invited.” Josh smiled. Tyler grabbed Josh’s arm without thinking and brought him into the kitchen to say hi to his mom.

“Josh!” Tyler’s mom grinned and pulled him into a hug, “I’m so excited you came! I was worried you would have been invited to Pastor’s Thanksgiving!”

“I was but I would’ve rather come to your family’s dinner.” Josh said.

“That’s my boy.” She patted Josh’s head. Tyler had noticed that through the weeks Josh’s hair started to curl more and more. He must have straightened it before losing his memories. Tyler liked it better this way. The curls fell perfectly on his head and it made him look younger.

“You did a great job playing the drums the other week.” Tyler’s grandmother said to Josh.

“Thanks. I enjoyed it too.” Josh nodded.

“How do you like our church? It’s good to see you going every week.” His grandmother said, “I’m glad a boy like you has found Jesus in your most dire times.”

“Yeah. I like the church a lot.” Josh seemed to pause. Tyler could tell he wasn’t sure what the right words to say would be. Josh did take in the religion, but he was not as devoted as Tyler’s family.

Tyler interrupted, “He’s been a lot of help at the church. He has a good relationship with Pastor and he goes to every service he can. I think Josh is still new to all of this. He’s learning.”

Josh gave him a quick thankful look.

“That’s wonderful.” His mom grinned, “He’s been a great addition. It’s like he never leaves that place. Community is so important when dealing with what Josh is. And it’s great he has a friend like you.”

“Exactly. The community is important.” Tyler nodded.

“Oh, and put the eggs in the fridge please. We still have at least a half hour until we eat.”

“Will do. Josh, I want to show you the basement while we wait for the food.” Tyler had to restrain himself from instinctively grabbing Josh’s hand to lead him. Grabbing his arm earlier was bad enough. This made Tyler cringe in embarrassment. Why was he grabbing his hand? He couldn’t take that away. Did Josh think anything of it?

Josh followed him down to the basement. What used to be Tyler’s room was now mostly a video game room. But his piano was still in there tucked away in a corner. He was sad that he couldn’t take it with him. All he had was his keyboard at home.

Josh walked over to the piano and slid his hand across the top, “this is pretty cool.”

“Yeah. My mom got this for me when she realized how serious I was about music. It’s probably extremely out of tune now but I don’t mind it that way.” Tyler said as he sat on the bench. Josh sat next to him, letting their legs press up against each other since it was a smaller bench than the one at the church.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something now that we’re alone. And not in a car.” Josh started. Tyler began to play a random tune on the piano as Josh started to talk.

“Ask me what?”

“I uhm.” Josh stopped himself, “actually, it’s not important.”

“Anything you'd ask me is important.“ Tyler said.

“No. No, it’s okay.” Josh shook his head. The dim basement light suddenly went out. Tyler looked up and frowned.

“Clearly it’s something important if the lights agree with me.” Tyler joked.

Josh let out a breathy laugh. Tyler’s heart was pounding out of his chest. What possible question could Josh have that couldn’t have been asked in a car?

“Do you…do you consider me a friend? Or are you only doing this out of pity? It’s okay if it’s out of pity. I understand. Not a lot of people have to be around me so often. But you’re forced to because of work.” Josh asked.

Tyler felt relieved. He was nervous that Josh had different ideas about their friendship. Tyler was just a more tactile person once he felt comfortable. Josh could ask any of his other friends. Tyler showed affection in many different ways.

His subtle touches to Josh were normal. They were a perfectly normal thing. And Tyler had perfectly normal feelings about Josh. Just like a friend would.

“Of course I consider you a friend. I was a bit standoffish at first. But playing music together helped.” Tyler said. He had to admit that he was still wary of Josh. He believed that he had memory loss, but seeing him outside his apartment that first day still haunted him.

“Okay. That’s what pastor said but I thought he was just saying that to be nice.” Josh looked away.

“I’m sorry if I ever made it seem like I didn’t like you.” Tyler apologized. He took his hands off the keys.

Josh was silent for a moment, “it’s been hard to adjust. But you’ve been there every step of the way. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much that means to me.”

“It’s no problem.” Tyler wrapped an arm around Josh in a friendly way.

“I just don’t want to overstep. If I were, would you tell me?” Josh asked.

“I probably wouldn’t.” Tyler shrugged, “but I don’t think that would be possible.”

“Okay.” Josh nodded, “I don’t think it would be possible for you to overstep either. I’ve only known you for three weeks, but it feels like I’ve been there with you since the beginning. You’ve been there for me since my beginning.”

Tyler wanted to tell him so badly. He wanted to say that Josh showed up to his house before his memory loss. He wished Josh would know the real answer why. It ate away at him. What would Josh think if he knew Tyler was hiding this from him?

He pulled his arm back and put his hand on Josh’s leg.

Josh looked down at Tyler’s hand and then back at him. Tyler needed to stop. This was getting too weird for Tyler. But he didn’t move his hand. Tyler turned his head to stare down at the keys of the piano. He had to stop this. It was getting to be too much too fast.

“Are you okay?” Josh asked.

“I don’t think so.” Tyler moved his hand off of Josh, “I haven’t been sleeping. I never sleep. I think I’m just getting too tired so my brain is foggy.” It wasn’t wrong. His lack of sleep made him miserable and borderline suicidal. But it wasn’t why he was acting this way to Josh.

“Why not?” Josh asked.

“Well. Lately Mark hasn’t been home. My brain goes crazy and I have awful nightmares. If someone is there, usually it’s a bit better because I know I’m saferI don’t know how much more of it I can take.”

“I understand. I don’t really sleep either.” Josh assured him, “is Mark going to be home tonight?”

“No.”

“Well, maybe I can come over tonight after we eat then. It’ll make you feel less alone and having someone there will help you sleep.” Josh suggested.

Tyler felt taken aback by Josh inviting himself over. That was the last thing he needed.

“Yeah. I mean, I’ll be fine Josh. You don’t have to worry about me. I’m used to it.” Tyler shook his head.

“I care about you. And hearing that you’re up every night you’re alone makes me sad.”

“I said I’m fine. Don’t worry about me, Josh. I’m great at being alone.”

“But you don’t have to be.” This time, Josh put his hand on Tyler’s leg. Tyler quickly stood up to avoid his touch.

“If you insist.” Why did he say that? He didn’t want Josh to come over. He didn’t want him to see him like that. And Tyler knew faking his emotions was going to be harder and harder the more he let Josh in. He wasn’t sure what he was faking anymore.

“Good.” Josh nodded.

“Hey, Tyler? Can you stop kissing your boyfriend down there and come up to set the table?” Zack called down the stairs.

Tyler rolled his eyes and huffed, “Shut up, Zack. I was just showing him my piano.” He shouted back up.

Josh laughed, “Boyfriend? That’s so funny.”

Tyler laughed back because he couldn’t help it. If Josh laughed, he just had to laugh back.

Josh stood up from the bench and pat Tyler’s back as he walked up the stairs. Tyler stood in place for a moment and contemplated ending it right there.

Did people assume he was dating Josh? Can’t two guys just be friends without everyone thinking they were gay?

They went upstairs to set the table. The majority of the rest of Thanksgiving went smoothly. Josh and Tyler sat next to each other and behaved themselves. Tyler didn’t have to worry about any more awkward looks or uncomfortable moments of silence. It was different when his family was around. He felt more inclined to hide affections for his friends around them.

This was going to be a good night. It would be a great night. It had to be.

His family couldn’t stop teasing him. They teased him about music, work, his friends, and Josh. Zack wouldn’t stop making offhand comments that made everyone in the room uncomfortable. The other siblings seemed to pay no mind. None of them even defended Tyler. It wasn’t until his dad lectured Zack that he stopped. But that didn’t stop any other teasing and questions.

This was going to be a bad night. A horrible, miserable, suicidal night. Tyler was sure of that now.

Why is your music so sad? Why are you so skinny? Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet? Music probably won’t take you anywhere. Why did you quit basketball? You were better at that.

They kept asking the questions they asked him every time he came over.

Tyler couldn’t take it much longer. He let himself deal with it until it was socially acceptable for him to pull Josh away. He needed to go home. He needed to be alone, but he had already told Josh he could come home with him.

He was shaking. He was trying to stop but he couldn’t.

Tyler clicked into his car and let out a sigh of relief. He loved his family, but he was too overwhelmed. It reminded him of when he was a teenager and when he felt insane and alone and when he’d scream in the middle of the night and when he’d yell at his parents and when he’d -

Tyler took a deep, shaky breath and gripped the wheel. This wasn’t who he was anymore. Why did being around his family for so long make him like this? Why couldn’t he be normal and not so messed up?

Times like this is when he needed to feel something. He needed to do it again. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t afford anyone asking him any more questions about why he had so many bandaids on his arms.

“Are you okay, Tyler?” Josh put a hand on his shoulder. Tyler flinched and said nothing. He just started his car and began to drive back to his apartment. Josh didn’t seem to want to push him any further.

Tyler felt so embarrassed.

Josh probably thought he was crazier than originally expected.

He felt the emotion drain down his arms. He felt so cold. All he wanted to do was to run scalding hot water on his wrists to remind himself he was still alive. That wouldn’t leave a mark, at least.

They went up the stairs to Tyler’s apartment in silence. Tyler barely made it up. He felt numb. Tyler sat on his couch and looked to the ground. He didn’t want Josh to perceive him. He didn’t want to show him what was under his skin. Not now, not ever. But the floodgates had opened now and there was nothing he could do.

“Do you need me to get you anything?” Josh asked. It was getting late; they stayed at his parents until nine. Tyler shook his head.

“Do you want any water?” Josh sat next to him.

Tyler said nothing.

“I can also stop talking if that’s what you want. I can go in the kitchen to leave you alone.”

“No.” Tyler gripped Josh’s sleeve while he kept his head down, “Stay with me.”

The lamp next to Tyler’s couch flickered a couple times. What was with the lights? Was Tyler some sort of electronic freak at this point?

“I will.” Josh stayed still. They sat in a comfortable silence to allow Tyler a couple of moments to bring himself together. Tyler felt like a fool. He didn’t even let Mark see him like this. He wanted to cry but did a great job at hiding it from Josh. There was no going back now.

“I just get like this sometimes. I’m sorry you have to see me like this. I try to keep it to myself.”

“You don’t have to hide yourself when you’re with me.” Josh put an arm around Tyler. Tyler instinctively moved to rest his head on Josh’s shoulder. Josh slowly rubbed his arm. Tyler’s heart was beating harder than it ever had.

If his heart was beating so, why did he feel so comfortable?

“I’m so tired.” Tyler breathed into Josh’s hoodie.

“Maybe you need sleep.”

“I can’t. You know that. Not like this.” Tyler sighed.

“I hope you can feel comfortable enough to let yourself sleep when I’m holding you like this. You’re safe with me.”

Tyler felt disgusted by that comment. It made him feel…happy.

Were his feelings for Josh something else?

Something more than just a friend he admired? Josh made him feel something no one really had ever made him feel before. Josh was holding him close during a vulnerable moment and Tyler didn’t want to pull away.

Oh.

Oh no.

There was no point in denying it. Why else would he avoid those eyes? All that was going to do was cause him immense pain. The silence between them now had told Tyler all he needed to know. This man was going to destroy his heart.

Tyler was not going to let that happen.

Chapter Text

Tyler had fallen asleep in Josh’s arms. It didn’t take long. It was almost as if Josh willed it. He felt Tyler’s pain deep in his stomach and wished that it would go away. Tyler fell asleep moments after that. Josh had moved Tyler’s head to his lap and ran his fingers through his hair. Tyler looked so peaceful.

Josh knew there was something very deeply wrong with him. And he didn’t mean mentally. Josh knew that there was no way Tyler could have fallen asleep like that. Josh willed it. He made it happen. That wasn’t normal. None of this was normal. He was not eating, not sleeping, messing up the lights, and now forcing Tyler to sleep. Josh had memory loss, but even he knew that he was wrong.

He was a freak.

He was worried he was taking advantage of Tyler. He took up too much of his time. Tyler made Josh smile. He was his only reason to exist and better himself. Tyler let him in, which made Josh happy. But what if Josh willed that too? Perhaps none of their friendship was real. Tyler was only sticking around him because Josh was forcing him to. Josh tried not to think too much into it. It had been such little time that they spent together and it felt like he really knew him.

Josh let Tyler sleep through the entire night. He was fine sitting there bored if it meant Tyler would get a good night's sleep. Josh couldn’t help but admire Tyler as he slept. He was a beautiful man.

Tyler woke up at five in the morning. His eyes fluttered open. He looked at the cable box to see the time, not even noticing his head was on Josh’s lap. He looked up and his brows furrowed almost angrily at Josh.

“I haven’t slept like that in years. Maybe ever.” Tyler admitted, “That was almost eight hours.”

“That’s good.” Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s hair without thinking. Tyler stood up and shuttered.

“Did you sleep?” Tyler asked.

“No.”

“Did you just sit there and watch me for eight hours?” Tyler asked. He seemed weirded out. Maybe Josh should have lied to him.

“Yeah.” Josh shrugged.

Awkward silence filled the room.

“I don’t know how I was able to fall asleep that fast…Did you…Did you do something to me?”

“What would I do to you?” Josh frowned.

“I don’t know. Roofie me?”

“Why the hell would I do that? All I did was try to comfort you when you were upset.”

“The perfect way to take advantage of someone!”

“You’re sick, Tyler. When would I have the chance to do that?”

“You offered me water!”

“That you didn’t drink!” Josh raised his voice a little.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Josh stood up as well and crossed his arms. Tyler’s hair was messy and sticking up all over the place. Josh found it endearing.

Silence again.

“I do feel better than I usually do.” Tyler admitted, “I still don’t want to go to work.”

Josh completely forgot about work. He was so happy to have the day off for Thanksgiving that he forgot he had to work the next day. At least he would be able to walk to work with Tyler. Both men took some time to watch TV and force small talk before they had to shower and go to work. Josh didn’t get to properly shower often, since there wasn’t one at the church. He usually washed his hair and body in the sink.

“I’ll shower first.” Tyler said.

“Okay. Have fun. I hope it’s the most enjoyable shower you’ve ever had.” Josh smiled.

Tyler laughed at that. He laughed harder than most people would have. His face was a bit flush, “I’m sure it will be.”

Josh snooped through Tyler’s pictures on his fridge while he was in the shower. Pictures of family, friends, pets, and a lot of his band. They didn’t seem to do many performances outside of the church, but Tyler was proud of every single one of them. He was made to perform. Just like Josh felt like he was made to be Tyler’s friend.

Josh hoped that Tyler wasn’t lying the night before about being his friend. He wasn’t sure what he’d do if he was. He didn’t have anyone else. It was a big burden to put on to someone. Josh could never tell him that. Tyler had enough on his plate, as he had shown the night before. Josh felt like there was nothing he could do except offer himself as a solace. That and somehow force him to fall asleep.

Tyler walked out of the bathroom with just a towel around his waist. Josh couldn’t help but feel himself stare. Tyler’s body was still fairly wet, like sweat was drenching his body. He was red from the heat of the water, as if he was flush. He had never seen Tyler’s tattoos before. He had a lot more than Josh originally thought. The towel was barely covering his hip bones. One wrong move, and the towel would fall.

Tyler showed no care about it. He was too casual for Josh’s liking. Tyler was raised around other boys, so he probably didn’t care. Josh couldn’t remember his childhood. Josh shouldn’t care either if he wanted to be a normal guy. It was just a body. He had just taken a shower, a very normal thing for humans to do. Why was it making Josh nervous?

Tyler looked back at Josh. As expected, the light directly above Josh flickered a couple of times.

“Want to take a picture?” Tyler rolled his eyes.

“Was that a joke?” Josh asked.

“Yes, weirdo.” Tyler half laughed. The smile and blush on Tyler’s face made Josh feel even weirder. He had never seen Tyler in anything except layers since it was cold out. Josh wasn’t sure why seeing a human torso was freaking him out so badly. He walked past Tyler quickly so that he could go into the bathroom. It was his turn for a shower as well.

Josh tried to calm himself down in the shower. He tried to ignore certain parts of his body as he showered. If he ignored it, it would go away. The more he thought about it, the worse it would get. All that would happen is a picture of Tyler would flash back into his head. Josh took a deep breath and made the water as cold as he could bear. He could not be acting like this in someone else’s house.

There was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Yeah?” Josh shouted.

“I left my underwear in there. I didn’t realize I brought it in with me.” Tyler cracked the door open.

“I can bring it to you when I get out.” Josh responded.

“I’m not going to sit here cold. I’ll take two seconds and I won’t look.”

“No.” Josh said back, “just pick other clothes.”

“Why?” Tyler laughed, “I’m not going to stare at you like you were staring at me. I’m just quickly going to change so I don’t have to be so cold.”

“That’s not funny.” And yet, Josh was laughing.

“It’s very funny, actually.” Tyler entered the room without asking again. Josh turned himself around so that if Tyler did accidentally look, it would only be his backside. He felt unbelievably embarrassed that Tyler couldn’t just wait a few minutes. Now his entire body felt flush. The light and fan in the bathroom turned off completely after flickering madly.

“I need to get my electricity figured out. It’s been doing that since last night.” Tyler said. Josh turned his head around and saw that Tyler had dropped his towel and was putting his underwear on. Josh had never turned his head back around so fast. He hadn’t seen anything that wasn’t pixelated by the glass of the shower door.

It took everything in him to not take a second look. Why would Tyler change in front of him? Was it a normal guy experience to just casually be naked around your friends?

Well rested Tyler was a lot more bold and wasn’t as nervous as tired Tyler. Josh wasn’t sure which one he preferred. All he knew was that they could never talk about this again. That was a problem for Josh in the future. He’d get used to it. He waited for Tyler to leave the bathroom to get out and get changed. Tyler was nice enough to leave some of his clothes for Josh. He dried himself off and got dressed.

He held the shirt up to his nose and took in Tyler’s scent. Josh bit his lip and had to stop himself before his body reacted again. Josh put the shirt on and exited the bathroom. Tyler was actually dressed and sitting on his kitchen table.

“I haven’t felt content in a while. It’s a good feeling.” Tyler smiled, “I don’t know if it’s because of sleep, or what. Maybe in anticipation of the weekend.”

“And your birthday.”

“Ew.” Tyler frowned, “Don’t ruin my good vibes. I don’t want to be twenty-three.”

“I don’t even have a birthday.” Josh shrugged and sat across from Tyler.

“It’s not all it’s cracked out to be.” Tyler said, “by the way, I just wanted to thank you for last night. I know I yelled at you this morning, I was just freaked out. No one ever made me feel comfortable enough to sleep, let alone sleep on them. I appreciate that. I think I would have done something bad if I had to go home alone last night.”

“You’re welcome. I said it last night, and I’ll say it again. You’re safe with me.” Josh smiled as tenderly as he could.

Tyler averted his eyes, “Well. Same to you. You’re safe around me too. You’re more than safe around me.”

“Good. I trust you. I’ve learned more about you in the past few days than I know about myself.”

“Let’s go.” Tyler said, “Before we end up being late.”

“Yeah.” Josh stood up.

Tyler stood up and walked over to Josh. He grabbed Josh’s drawstring and fixed it. He tightened the strings slightly and tied them together.

“What?” Josh laughed nervously.

“Nothing. This hoodie looks pretty good on you.” He said, “You can keep it, if you want. It’s one of my favorites.” He awkwardly patted Josh’s chest and kept his hand there.

“Okay…Thanks…” Josh nodded with a smile, “It probably looks better on you.”

“I don’t think that’s possible, Josh. You somehow make everything you wear look good.” Tyler was too close for Josh’s comfort, “We really need to get going and get to work…”

“Yeah…” Josh looked at Tyler’s lips. They were slightly separated. He wasn’t sure what was going on. The lights above them flickered once. Twice. Each time that Tyler met his gaze.

“What are we doing here?” Tyler asked almost too quietly.

“I don’t know.” Josh felt himself instinctively get closer to Tyler. He could feel Tyler’s breath on his lips.

They pair looked at each other up and down a couple of times and jumped when they heard the keys jiggling outside.

Tyler ran away from Josh. He pretended to be getting something from the fridge as Mark walked in.

“Oh. Hey Josh.”

“Hey! How are you?! Mark! I’m doing good! We’re going to work.” Josh laughed.

“I’d assume. Did you spend the night?” Mark asked. Tyler still had his face buried in the fridge. Josh could see that Tyler’s arm that held it open was shaking.

“Yeah!” Josh nodded furiously.

“That’s cool.” Mark seemed completely oblivious.

“Yeah…We should go, Tyler. We’re going to be late.” Josh motioned to the door.

“Coming, dear!” Tyler followed behind him and awkwardly laughed. He roughly smacked Josh on the back and then the ass.

“Tyler, you have to stop acting fake gay with all your friends. Poor Josh is still new, he doesn't understand that.” Mark laughed.

Josh and Tyler both laughed. It was a joke. That’s what Tyler was doing that whole time?

Josh couldn’t help but feel relieved.

Chapter Text

Tyler hated his birthday. He hated that Josh forced him to go out. He didn’t drink, so it was going to turn into a night where he had to watch everyone else have fun. He swore off alcohol after he kissed another guy last time he was drunk. Tyler was not gay. He wasn’t even really into men like that. There was just something about Josh that…

Although, after what had happened just two days before on Friday, maybe he needed to drink to forget. He barely spoke to Josh after that. What could they have said to each other that wouldn’t have made it worse?

Tyler was just glad that the others would be with him. He wasn’t sure what he would do if he was allowed to be alone with Josh again. He might not be able to stop himself the next time.

“Are you picking Josh up, or is he walking here?” Mark asked.

”He’s walking here,” Tyler was still trying to figure out what he wanted to wear.

“Where does he even live anyway? There aren’t many hotels within walking distance from here.” Mark peeked his head into Tyler’s room.

“Yeah. He just likes to walk a lot.” Tyler shrugged and picked out a white t-shirt and a black jacket he could wear over it. He’d given Josh half of his clothes, so he didn’t have as much of a selection.

“Is he on his way then? Zack is meeting us at the bar in ten minutes.” Mark reminded Tyler.

“I know. He should be here soon. He texted me that he was on his way five minutes ago.” Tyler went into the bathroom to make sure that his hair looked good.

“You know how Zack gets when we’re late.” Mark sighed. He was already ready and sitting on their couch. Tyler sat next to him and they waited for Josh to come.

There was a knock on their door in a suspiciously short amount of time. No way Josh could have walked that fast. Tyler opened the door and couldn’t believe his eyes. Where had Josh gotten eyeliner from? His hair wasn’t as much in his eyes as it usually was, but he had dark black lines under his eyes. It worked for Tyler. It worked too well to make him feel nervous around Josh.

“Hey.” Josh smiled. He was holding a box that he handed to Tyler.

“What’s this?” Tyler asked.

“A birthday gift. For your birthday?” Josh walked past Tyler and sat on the couch next to Mark.

“Why didn’t you just give me this at church this morning?” Tyler asked.

“I don’t know. I wanted to give it to you now. You can open it now or later. It isn’t much.” Josh said.
Tyler felt his face flush. He didn’t want gifts. He didn’t even want to be celebrating his birthday. He sat next to Josh on the couch and opened his present.

It was a notebook and a pack of pens.
“I always see you writing on random slips of paper. I figured you could use a song writing notebook. It’s small enough that you could take it with you and write down ideas wherever you go.”

Tyler wanted to kiss Josh on the mouth for that gift.
He had plenty of notebooks full of his writing. But Josh thinking about him based on observations was so special to Tyler. Josh really paid attention to him and understood him.

“Thanks, man.” Tyler smiled and patted Josh’s back in appreciation.

“I can’t wait to hear the songs you write in this one.” Josh said earnestly.

“Guys, get a room.” Mark teased. Tyler knew that Mark didn’t think anything of it and he was just joking around. But Tyler genuinely was glad Mark was there to stop him from doing something stupid.
“What does that mean?” Josh asked.

“It means you’re acting pretty gay about a birthday gift. Get a room means to basically go in the bedroom and kiss about it.” Mark explained.

Josh’s face burned red, “Oh. I think we’re good. It’s just a notebook. I don't think Tyler is going to do all that.”

“It’s a joke.” Mark laughed, “You don’t say that to actually tell people to kiss. I’m surprised you’ve never heard that one.”

“Oh I understand now. Okay.” Josh nodded. Tyler was fighting the blush on his face. This was so embarrassing. He was a grown man.

“Okay. Josh is here, can we go? Tyler, you can drive since you won’t be drinking.”

“Yeah, sure. I might drink though.” Tyler shrugged.

“Let’s just walk.” Josh suggested, “the bar is a ten minute walk from here. That way we don’t have to worry about anyone driving.”

“Works for me.” Mark shrugged.

They walked to the bar together. Josh had never been to a bar. Tyler told him that this one didn’t card, so he wouldn’t have to worry. Josh looked like he was of age anyway. It was pretty sketchy, but the drinks were cheap and it was almost always empty enough that Tyler didn’t feel like he had to put on a face to survive.

Zack was already sitting at a table with Chris and Nick when they got there.

“Took you long enough.” Zack said.

“We decided to walk so Tyler could drink.” Mark pointed at him.

“What! He’s going to drink? That’s unheard of, I thought you stopped after you threw up all over the place last time.” Zack teased. That wasn’t why Tyler stopped, but it was a good enough excuse.

“I just know it’s going to be Josh’s first time experiencing alcohol and I don’t want him to feel alone with it. And seeing all of you drunk while I’m sober for my birthday is annoying.” Tyler sat next to Zack and Josh sat next to him. Of course Josh had to sit next to him.

“Gay.” Zack stood up, “I’ll buy the princess and his boyfriend their first drinks of the night.”

Tyler rolled his eyes again, “Sorry he’s like that.”

“It’s fine.” Josh shook his head.

“Are you just going to take that, Josh?” Mark said, “we keep teasing you. Fight back!”

“I don’t really mind either way.” Josh shrugged, “I’m just here to celebrate Tyler’s birthday. Make fun of me all you want, it doesn’t bother me.”

Tyler had to admire that. He wished he had the ability to ignore what everyone else said. Tyler took everything too seriously. He couldn’t handle criticism or teasing. He was just really great at acting like he was fine with it. But he cared so much about what everything thought of him to the point it would constantly make him sick. He wished he could see the good in people just like Josh did.

Zack handed Tyler and Josh each a drink. It was the fruitiest looking drink that Tyler had ever seen. It had a little umbrella and it was bright pink. Zack was making fun of them again. Tyler didn’t give him the satisfaction of upsetting him.

Tyler took a sip and it was good, but more than half of it must have been alcohol. It was insanely strong to the point Tyler almost gagged on it. Josh sipped it as well as if it was nothing. This was going to have to be Tyler’s only drink if he wanted to live.

“This is pretty good.” Josh smiled.

“You must have been an alcoholic in your past life if that’s an easy sip for you.” Zack said to Josh, “I had them quadruple the alcohol in it.”

“Oh. Well, it’s still good.” Josh shrugged.

“Happy birthday, bro.” Zack put an arm around Tyler, “Drink up! We have a long night ahead of us.”

Tyler took a big sip of his drink. He was going to allow himself to let loose for one night. It would all be fine. Then he would never do it again. He just wanted to try to enjoy his birthday for once. He had plenty of people around him, so he was going to be safe.

Tyler could already feel the drink after a few minutes. He hacked and gagged with each sip. It burned as it slid down his throat. He should not have drank more after he found out Zack was practically poisoning him. He was a lightweight. He had to stop for the night after the first one, especially without any food in him. He started to feel the room getting heavier.

“I liked this a lot. Do you want another one?” Josh asked Tyler. Tyler felt his face flush and he nodded. That was not what he wanted to do, but the idea of Josh buying his drink made him excited. What was one more drink?

“Yeah.” Tyler gripped Josh’s hoodie once he stood up, “make it regular, please. I would die if I got another quadruple shot.”

“Of course.” Josh smiled and walked over to the bar. Tyler felt his legs start to bounce with anxiety once Josh left him.

“So I heard you’re writing new music. Can you give us any hints?” Zack asked.

“I have a few ideas. I’ve written a few in the past few days. I actually wanted to talk to you about one of them. Do you want to be in it? I think it’s missing something and you always come up with ideas.”

“Aw really? I’d love to. Give me some of the lyrics you wrote and I’ll figure something out.”

“I didn’t know you did music too, Zack.” Chris said.

“I dabble in it. I’m not as good as this guy, but I put in the work when I can. I don’t think it’ll go anywhere. This guy though? You guys are all going to become famous, I swear.” Zack said, “Everyone is going to know the name Twenty One Pilots.”

“I can only hope so.” Tyler said.

Josh came back and handed Tyler the drink. He sat back down. Tyler took no time sipping it and pushed his chair closer to Josh’s.

He would do anything to feel Josh’s touch, even if it was just their knees.

“Well, happy birthday, brother.” Zack slapped his back, “get fucked up and have fun tonight. Maybe a hot girl will come in so you can finally get something. I swear, you have to be gay with how little action you get.”

Tyler rolled his eyes again, “I’m too busy with my job and my band to worry about that, unlike you.” he teased back.

“You didn’t deny it!” Zack laughed again.

“Stop insinuating that Tyler’s gay.” Nick frowned, “There’s nothing wrong with him. I think it’s pretty awful to suggest he’d be like that, you know.”

“Sorry, I can’t help it. We’ve always teased each other.” Zack sipped his own drink, “he’s never told me to stop.”

“I don’t really like it.” Tyler shrugged, “I think it’s offensive to me and to gay people.”

“Sorry, dude. Maybe if you stopped acting so gay with your friends it wouldn’t be so easy. I mean, look at you and Josh. I swear you’re practically making out with him.”

“I’m really not.” Tyler huffed and felt his face heat up. He couldn’t help it. The men around him teased him again for blushing at the idea. Josh didn’t laugh at him, though. He seemed more concerned than anything.

“I don’t think there would be anything wrong if we were gay. Tyler’s an attractive guy. If I had to go gay for anyone, it would be him.” Josh shrugged and put a hand on Tyler’s back. He was so casual about it. The rest of the guys broke out in laughter. Tyler didn’t find it funny. He stayed silent and gave Josh a look.

Was he joking?

Was Josh learning how to tease? Or was he serious? Tyler couldn’t read his face. Maybe it was the alcohol or his inability to understand facial expressions. He fought the urge to move away from his touch.

“I love this guy.” Zack laughed again and pointed at Josh. Tyler could scream. He could crawl into the walls and never be seen again. He was so embarrassed. He finished off his second drink and needed another. At least if Josh was going to jokingly act gay back with him, he’d need to be inebriated to feel comfortable.

Two hours went by of everyone making fun of Tyler but also having genuine conversations. Tyler drunkenly told him some of his ideas for most of his new songs. There was one he didn’t share with anyone, and probably never could. He would just be made fun of again. There was especially no way that he would let Josh listen to it until he was at least ready to show him.

He was getting drunker by the minute. He only had two more drinks. The drunker he got, the more he wanted to climb on top of Josh in front of everyone. The eyeliner was really doing it for him. His eyes fluttered at Josh as he felt himself dissociating from the alcohol. He tried so hard to keep himself contained.

“Tyler is so drunk.” Mark laughed at him, “he’s not allowed to have any more. He’s having the best birthday of his life, probably. I doubt he'll remember anything”

“Lost in the sauce.” Zack slapped Tyler’s back again.

"Owie." Tyler was really lost in it. He leaned against Josh for stability.

"I think he might die. I'm not joking." Nick said.

Tyler felt so sick. He was going to throw up. He had to throw up. He shoved his face against Josh's hoodie to keep himself from hurling.

“I think I’m going to walk Tyler home.” Josh said, “It seems like he’s getting dangerous.”

“That’s a good idea. I’m not ready to go home, so I’ll stay here.” Mark said.

“That’s fine.”

“How are you still standing? You’ve probably had ten drinks, Josh.” Nick said.

“I think I’m just a heavyweight. Maybe I drank a lot before I lost my memories. I’m only slightly buzzed. Just enough to feel looser and more comfortable. But sober enough to know that Tyler needs to go to bed.”

“I’ll go to bed alright.” Tyler gripped Josh again as Josh forced him to stand up.

"Take care of him. Don't take advantage of him in this state." Zack teased.

"Oh shut up, Zack." Nick said, "I agree, though. Make sure he gets home okay. He can be really destructive."

"Don't worry. I'll make sure he's okay." Josh smiled. Tyler held on to him still as they walked outside.

It was so cold that Tyler began to shiver violently.

“It’s so cold. Let me wear your hoodie.” Tyler tugged on Josh’s hoodie strings.

“I’m not wearing anything under this.” Josh laughed at him.

Tyler laughed back, “even better. Let me see those pecs.”

“I’ll be even colder.” Josh started to lead Tyler in the direction of his apartment.

"Mmm. Perky nipples."

Josh ignored that comment.

“Hold my hand.” Tyler said.

“What?”

“I need you to hold my hand…so I don’t fall. You wouldn’t want me to fall, Josh. Right?” He slurred his words.

“No, I wouldn’t. I would’ve held your hand either way.”

“Gay.”

“Let’s not start this, Tyler. There’s no one around so you don’t have to make jokes like that.” Josh shook his head and held his hand.

“It’s pretty gay to want to hold my hand, Joshie. I know the way you look at me. You want me.” Tyler squeezed his hand. What was he even saying?

“You’re drunk, Tyler. You don’t mean to say that.” Josh said, “I can’t believe you’re able to walk right now.” The lamp they walked next to started to blink. It was a normal occurrence whenever Josh was around him. It was as if Josh was making it happen. Tyler was aware it was just a coincidence.

“It’s because I have you with me.” Tyler really was using Josh as his stability as he walked. He only threw up once on their way home. It felt good, even if it didn't help much. He knew he was going to be in so much pain when he woke up. He’d probably regret every word he said, if he could even remember saying it. Tyler was extremely dissociative and he was not in control of his body.

Josh helped Tyler up the stairs of his apartment.

“Get in your room, now.” Josh commanded him.

That tone awoke something in Tyler. He never heard Josh talk to him like that. He must have either been really worried or angry with him.

“Okay, Daddy.” Tyler teased and stumbled to his bedroom.

Josh sighed and helped Tyler take off his jacket and pants. He carefully laid him on the bed. Josh turned the light off.

“Can you stay with me?” Tyler asked when he saw Josh start to leave the room.

“Okay. You’re worrying me.” Josh turned around and sat at the edge of the bed.

“Lay down with me. I feel like I’m spinning.” Tyler said.

“Me too, honestly. I’m not as drunk as you, but I’m starting to feel it as I sit here.” Josh let out an audibly nervous sigh. He laid down next to Tyler.

Without thinking, Tyler sat up and looked down at Josh. He should not have done that, he felt like he was going to crash out. He could barely see Josh, his eyes illuminated by the moonlight shining through his open window. His body took over him as he climbed on top of him. He straddled on his lap and put his hands on Josh’s chest.

“Tyler, what are you doing?” Josh asked, fear in his voice.

“I-I don’t know.” Tyler panted. His heart was beating and his blood was rushing to every part of his body. He ran his hand across Josh’s chest. He could feel Josh’s intense heartbeat. He stopped his hand after moving it too low down.

The lamp outside completely shut off, making the room even darker.

“Tyler…” Josh looked up at him.

“Josh.” Tyler said back. Tyler heard the TV in his living room turn on. There was a loud static that came in and out. Tyler ignored it.

The room was silent except the harsh breaths coming from both men. Josh’s was much harsher than Tyler’s.

“You’re drunk.” Josh said.

“So are you. You’re so pretty in the moonlight. Your eyes are pretty like the moon. Maybe even prettier.” Tyler felt himself instinctively move another hand to Josh’s cheek as he leaned down. He felt his natural instincts take over his body. He needed Josh. His body needed him.

Tyler bit his lip and felt their faces get closer. He could tell the blood was rushing through Josh’s body as well. He could feel Josh’s cock pressed through his pants. Tyler was only wearing boxers. Josh had to feel it too.

All Tyler had to do was lean down a bit to connect their lips.

“Tyler. We can’t do this.” Josh took Tyler’s cheek in his hand. Tyler was too drunk to care, but Josh’s hand felt hot. Almost painfully hot. Was he that nervous? Or was Josh really a demon like Tyler suspected? Despite Tyler acting overly nervous, Josh was still fairly calm.

“I need you.” Tyler breathed against Josh’s mouth. They were so close to each other, “I need you, Josh. God, do I need you.” He couldn’t control himself. He was going crazy. Whether it was the alcohol, or the feeling of being so close to Josh. He needed to kiss him. He tried to lean down to close the one inch gap.

“Not like this.” Josh turned his face away from Tyler, “I don’t want to do this with you unless you actually want it. The alcohol is talking.”

“It’s not. I’ve wanted you since you showed up outside my house that first night. Let’s be real, Josh. It was there from the start. I acted like I hated you so much because I didn’t want to admit I was into you.” Tyler let out a breathy laugh.

“Wait. What night?” Josh glared up at Tyler.

“Never mind. You’re not supposed to know that.”

Josh roughly pushed Tyler off of him.

“Ouch?” Tyler frowned.

“I don’t want you taking advantage of me. Or for me to take advantage of you in this state.” Josh huffed and pulled the blankets over Tyler.

“Please, Josh. Please." Tyler whined and held an arm out for Josh. He started to blabber words that even he couldn't understand. He wasn't sure why Josh was being so mean to him.

“I didn’t want to do this. But you're not giving me a choice.” Josh sighed. He scooted over again, sat up, and looked down at Tyler. Even when he was angry, he was soft. Josh pressed two fingers against Tyler’s forehead.

That was the last thing Tyler remembered before everything turned black.

Chapter Text

Josh stared up at the ceiling for the entire night. Tyler was knocked out cold behind him. He had done this once before but by accident. He did it on Thanksgiving when Tyler was having a panic attack. That was different, he didn’t mean to do it. He just wanted to help Tyler feel comfortable enough to sleep.

This was heinous. Josh forced Tyler to pass out without even asking. But Tyler was…

Tyler would have done something if he didn’t stop him. And Josh wasn’t sure he would have been able to say no. 

What was Tyler going to think of him when he woke up? If he remembered anything, he was going to know that Josh did something to him. There was no way to explain what had happened. Josh wasn’t sure how he was able to do it, but he willed it to happen. If Tyler found out, he would think Josh was a freak of nature. 

Maybe he was. 

Josh was something else. It was something he could never talk about. Who could he have possibly been before he lost his memories? What could he have been?

Josh wasn’t sure what he would do now if he found out now that he was someone else completely. He was scared to death that he’d hit his head again and regain all of his memories only to find out he was married with children. If he gained his memories, he hoped he would lose the ones with Tyler. 

It would be cruel to make him choose. 

Maybe he loved Tyler. Or maybe he was just letting the first person who gave him any attention have his heart. But hearing Tyler say those things to him the night before had given him a spark of hope. Maybe he wasn’t silly in thinking that Tyler had been throwing him signs for the past month. 

Tyler stirred his head and threw himself on his side. He let out an exhausted sigh. That was a sign that he was no longer knocked out by Josh, but he was asleep as normal.

Tyler was a loud and violent sleeper. Sometimes he would have night terrors that could wake anyone up in the apartment. Josh had only slept over a couple of times, but each time he had overheard Tyler screaming at the top of his lungs from the living room. He tried to do something about it, but Mark would stop him. He told Josh he always slept with earplugs to avoid hearing Tyler at night. Josh understood why Tyler refused to sleep. 

Josh took a deep breath and fought the urge to pet Tyler’s hair as he slept. He wondered if he should have moved to the living room so Tyler wouldn’t have been suspicious of anything. But he stayed put. He didn’t want to risk Tyler getting sick by himself. Josh just stared at his back. 

It was another three hours of silence before Tyler woke up. Josh was thankful he didn’t have any night terrors. He rolled his head back and let out a groan.

“Fuck…” Tyler groaned to himself. Josh had never heard Tyler swear like that before. 

Tyler turned himself over and almost fell off the bed when he saw Josh.

“Morning.” Josh said to him and grabbed his arm so he wouldn’t fall off.

“What…” Tyler sat up and grabbed his head in pain.

“Careful.” Josh said softly and released his tight grip. 

“What happened last night?” 

“Nothing.” Josh shook his head, “What do you remember?” 

“Last thing I remember was…” Tyler’s face heated up, “I was on top of you. We were uhm. Did we? Uhm.” Tyler stammered on his words.

“No. You passed out before you did anything. Most you did was grind up against me a little bit. But no, we did not have sex or even kiss.” Josh said as casually as he could. He was anxious to think about how Tyler would react.  

“God bless.” Tyler breathed a sigh of relief, “I’m sorry. I go overboard and I get annoying when I drink. It’s why I try to avoid it. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” Tyler sighed.

“It’s okay. If you were sober, I would have liked it.” Josh was getting brave. 

Tyler raised his eyebrows at Josh, unable to believe what he just said, “I need to get up and get ready for work.” 

He was avoiding what Josh had said. Josh bit his lip, “So uh. Last night, you mentioned something about the first night you saw me? What did you mean by that?”

“I think it was just something I said while I was drunk. I also told you that I thought your eyes were pretty. I think you should just pretend I didn’t say anything last night. I was drunk.” Tyler sighed as he looked through his closet, “Do you want to wear my red hoodie today?” 

“Yeah, sure.” Josh looked away from Tyler as he changed. Josh wondered if the hurt was painted on his face. 

Tyler couldn’t admit that something had happened between them last night. He clocked it up to being drunk. But Josh knew that there was something else hidden behind Tyler’s words that he would probably never admit. Josh felt defeated. He let himself get his hopes up just a little bit. 

“I’m excited to use the notebook you got me.” Tyler said, turning around once he was done getting changed. He threw the hoodie at Josh. 

“Yeah?” Josh smiled.

“I have a song that I’m specifically going to use that notebook for. I won’t tell you what it is though. You’ll have to see for yourself when I feel like showing you. I don’t know if I ever will.” Tyler watched Josh as he changed his shirt. Josh at least was respectful and looked away, but Tyler was staring at him.

“Why tell me about it if you’re not sure you’ll show me?” Josh raised his eyebrows.

“I don’t know.” Tyler kept staring at him.

“Okay…Do you have underwear I could borrow?” Josh asked.

“I have plenty.” Tyler took his eyes off of Josh to grab some from a drawer. 

“Are you going to stare at me while I change my underwear?” Josh teased, catching them when Tyler threw a pair at him.

“I was not staring at you.” Tyler rolled his eyes.

“I wouldn’t mind if you stare at me.” 

“Josh.” Tyler shielded his eyes.

“Tyler.” Josh smirked to himself. Something about what had happened the night before made Josh feel more confident in his flirting. Tyler could say whatever he wanted about being drunk, but there was truth in his words. Even if he would never admit it, or would say he didn’t want it, Tyler had some kind of attraction to him. 

“I don’t think it’s safe for us to be alone anymore.” Tyler admitted, “Something weird happens every time.”

“What weird things happen?” Josh egged him on.

“I don’t want to talk about this. Meet me outside when you’re all dressed because we have to get going for work.” Tyler’s face was turning a brighter red. He left Josh to his own devices and went to the kitchen. 

Back to square one.

—

It was December 13th. Josh had been “Josh” for over a month by that point. It had been almost two weeks since Tyler’s birthday. 

They couldn’t be alone together. Neither would allow it. They’d find an excuse to leave or get another person with them. At least at the church, there were cameras. The thought that someone could have been watching them was enough to stop them from being stupid. 

Tyler and Josh were stuck in a limbo. They weren’t sure what they wanted from each other anymore. Josh knew what he wanted. But Tyler would stiffen up at the mere idea of them doing anything together.  

It ate Josh alive. 

All he wanted to do was pull Tyler close and finally kiss him. He needed to feel what Tyler tasted like. He wanted to touch every part of his skin like it was the last thing he’d ever do. He wanted to claim Tyler as his and make sure everyone knew. Josh needed everything about him and more. He was infatuated, like he had known Tyler forever. 

But Tyler wanted no part of it; that was clear to him. 

Tyler and Josh were folding and stapling bulletins. They no longer sat across from each other. They sat directly next to each other, their thighs pressed together. Anything for a touch.

“Did you pull off the verse of the day yet?” Josh asked.

“Yeah.”

“Without me?” Josh pouted jokingly. 

“I didn’t realize you liked them that much.” Tyler laughed.

“Highlight of my day outside of hanging out with you. You read them every day to me but you forgot this time” Josh said and stapled another page. 

“It’s not really a good one. But for you, I’ll read it.” Tyler got up and read the quote.

1 Corinthians 13:13

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

Josh nodded, “That’s a good one. I remember that one.” 

“Yeah. It’s a bit too cheesy for my tastes.” Tyler shrugged.

“Is it cheesy for you because you think it’s silly, or because you relate to it?” Josh asked. 

Tyler stopped dead in his tracks with a stapler in hand, “Not funny.” 

“I wasn’t trying to be.” Josh paid no mind to the effect his words have on Tyler. He tried not to grin at Tyler’s reddening face.

“I hate you.” Tyler laughed nervously. 

“I’m sure you do.”

Pastor walked out of his office and stopped any tension between the two, “Tyler, can you play something this Sunday? My granddaughter is coming up from Florida and wants to see you play.” 

“Sure. We can debut Josh as our new drummer too.” 

“Wait. What happened to Chris?” Josh furrowed his brow. 

“Oh. Did he not talk to you? He was supposed to.” Tyler turned his head to face Josh. 

“No one told me anything.” 

“Chris is leaving to focus on work. I just assumed you’d want to take his place permanently.” Tyler shrugged. 

“I would love that. I’m sorry about Chris.” Josh said quickly. Tyler wanting Josh to be in his band without question made him so happy. But it tore him apart. Most people wouldn’t think it was that deep. But to Josh, it was everything. Being a part of something so important to Tyler was everything. 

Tyler was everything.

He still played with Tyler all the time. Sometimes when they were supposed to be on their lunch break, they would bounce musical ideas off of each other. Tyler would play a random melody, and Josh would create a beat. There was nothing quite like feeling their hearts connect through their music. 

They didn’t need to speak or touch each other, but it felt like they were. What they couldn’t say to each other out loud, they said in song. He could reach Tyler’s fingertips with every drumstick hit to his snare. It was pure electricity. If there weren’t cameras watching their every move as they practice, Josh wasn’t sure what would happen when they finished a song.  

“Great. Chris is even going to give you his full drum set. You’ll just have to learn the full drums for Sunday. I know what song I’m going to play. I haven’t finished the lyrics but I know how the piano will go. I’ll debut it on Sunday.” 

“Is that too soon?” Josh asked. 

“No. I… I need to let it out.” 

“Okay.” Josh nodded. There were a lot of songs that Tyler had been writing recently. There were some he would show Josh, but a lot that he kept from him.  

“I’m glad you at least have Josh to take over. I don’t know what our congregation would do without your band here.” Pastor Keons said. Josh kept forgetting he was there. 

“Thanks. I think Josh is more than qualified. I’m sad to see Chris go. I’m insanely sad. He’s one of my best friends, and he’s been there from the start. But I understand. Not everyone has a dream like I do.”

“I’ll share your dream.” Josh said, “it’s not like I have much else to dream about. The church and the drums are all I know.” 

Tyler didn’t respond to that. Josh knew what he would have said, anyway. Tyler wouldn’t be caught dead responding in front of the Pastor. 

“That’s a nice sentiment.” Pastor nodded, “The church is happy to have you, both as a member of Tyler’s band, and of our congregation. I’m thankful for all the work you do here.”

“Thanks. It’s not hard to do when everyone here has been so welcoming. Some more than others.”

“I agree. You and Tyler have gotten very close, just like brothers.”

Brothers. Sure.

“Eventually, Josh, you are going to have to move out from the church. It’s been a while.” Pastor Keons sighed, “I appreciate you working here. I want you to still have your job here as our custodian.”

“You can just move in with Mark and I.” Tyler said without hesitation. Josh knew that was a terrible idea. Tyler must have known that too. What if Mark needed to go out and leave the pair alone?

“That sounds like a great idea, Tyler. I’d feel much more comfortable that way. I cannot with a good conscience let Josh continue to sleep on our couch without a hot shower or a proper kitchen.” Pastor nodded, “I think Josh wears all your clothes anyway. Then you won’t have to rotate them anymore.”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind being able to take Tyler’s clothes as I please while living with him.” Josh gave Tyler a quick glance. 

Josh saw Tyler blush again with that comment. Josh wished the Pastor would go back into his office so that they didn’t have to feel so nervous about their flirting. He didn’t mind being confined to worrying about the cameras. It was something else completely to have another person watch them with his own eyes. Everything they said to each other was painfully charged. Josh wondered if the Pastor noticed. 

Tyler led Josh into the sanctuary for their lunch break. He showed Josh the full drum set that he set up when Josh was downstairs cleaning. Josh put a hand over his mouth. It was beautiful. He had been hoping to play on a full drum set since he first started to play. He grabbed his drumsticks from Tyler’s office so he could test them out. He tested out the feeling of each drum and each cymbal so he could understand the sounds they made. It felt like going back home. Josh started to play a beat as if it was nothing.

“The song I’m going to play on Sunday…” Tyler started to say. He sat down at the piano. 

“Is this one of the ones you’ve refused to let me read or hear?” Josh asked, stopping his movements.

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded, “I want to show you my parts, and you try to match with me.”

“Just the music?” Josh asked.

“Yes.” 

“That’s not really fair.” Josh frowned. What was so secretive about that song that Josh wasn’t allowed to hear? 

“You’re just going to have to trust me on this, Josh. Just match with me like we always do.” Tyler began to play the piano softly. After a soft introduction, he started to violently play chords. It was a faster pace than he usually played. Josh tried his best to keep up with him. This was a test of his skills. If he knew what Tyler was trying to say, it would have been easier. But he was completely blinded by it. 

Josh looked over to Tyler’s face to get the mood. He couldn’t read it properly. Tyler looked angry, frustrated, and lost all at the same time. They matched eyes for a moment and that sent Tyler over the edge again. 

Tyler stopped mid-song and took out the notebook Josh had gotten him for his birthday out of his pocket. He angrily clicked the pen and scrawled a couple words down. He glanced back over at Josh, and then scribbled the words out. He wrote something more and reread it. He read it again, and again. Josh couldn’t do anything but stare. 

“Are you going to-“ 

“Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.” Tyler held a finger up at Josh as if to ask for a moment. 

Tyler licked the finger and turned the page. He hissed when the page sliced his pointer finger right open. Josh didn’t hesitate to get up from his stool to make sure he was alright.  

“Are you okay?” Josh asked. He sat next to Tyler on the seat. The fingertip was gushing blood. He couldn’t imagine a tiny paper cut could make him bleed so much. Josh took the book out of Tyler’s hand and threw it on the top of the piano. There was blood all over the pages.  He respectfully made sure to ignore what was written.

“No. No. I’m not.” Tyler started to shiver. 

“Don't like the sight of blood?” Josh asked. Most people would not have this kind of reaction to a small cut. 

“No. It’s not that. I’m-“

“What is it?” Josh asked, staring at the blood as it poured out of Tyler’s finger. He softly put his hand on Tyler’s.

“Forget it. I’m going to be okay.” Tyler’s body shook as he pulled his hand away.  

“I can tell you’re not okay.” Josh frowned, taking Tyler’s hand in his again to look at the cut. 

“Just ignore me. Get me a band-aid.” Tyler pushed Josh’s hand again. 

“Are you upset because you hate to see any kind of cut above your wrists?” Josh asked, “Because all it does is remind you of what you used to do to them? And it makes you worry that you’ll do it again to feel it again once you get the taste again?” He wasn’t sure where that came from. It was like another being took over his body to say that. 

Tyler pushed Josh harshly away from him. Josh almost fell off the seat. Tyler’s eyes were starting to tear up, “Is there something wrong with you?”

“What?” Josh asked. Why did he say that?

“I’ve never told a soul about that. Ever.” He was shaking. Josh had never seen his eyes so dark.

“Maybe you-”

“I wore makeup and bracelets on my wrists for years to hide them.” Tyler interrupted him. “Not even my mom knew. They’re healed now. How. Would. You. Know. That?” 

“I-I don’t know.” Josh stumbled on his words. 

“Bullshit.” Tyler huffed, “How do you know these things about me? Get out of my head.“

“I told you. I don’t know. Maybe it was a lucky guess?”

“How do you even guess about serious personal stuff like that? What would possess you to make a guess like that? How am I supposed to bear my soul to you when you apparently know all of my secrets.” 

“Please, Tyler. Let me get you a band-aid or something to stop the bleeding. It’s getting on the keys of the piano.” Josh took Tyler’s hand again and wrapped his hand around the wound to stop the blood. The piano was covered in red.

“Don’t touch me.” Tyler tried to take his hand away but Josh didn’t budge. He seemed to be shutting down again and there was nothing Josh could do to stop it. 

“Your hand hurts.” Tyler tried to pull it away, “It’s hot. Why is your hand hot? Stop it. Stop.” He pleaded.

He must have done a better job than expected, because the blood flow stopped completely. Josh moved his hand away and the cut was completely gone. It was healed. 

Josh healed it.

“Who are you?” Tyler exasperated and stood up from his stool. He held his hand up in disbelief. He started walking backwards away from Josh. He tripped backwards over his stool. He took a second to collect himself and stood up. Tyler looked at Josh with pure fear in his eyes. 

“I’m Josh. Your friend.” 

“Friend? No. We’ve gone way past the friend bit.” Tyler laughed, “A friend doesn’t do the things we’ve done. And a friend certainly doesn’t say what you just said to me.”

“Tyler?”

“Who are you really? Because I think you know more than you put out. First you show up to my house at three in the morning right after I begged for a sign from God, then you show up to my work. And you let me let you in. I let you sleep in my bed. That’s big for me. I don’t trust anyone around me when I sleep. But I trusted you?” Tyler sat down on a pew and rubbed his temple. 

“I-“ 

“Let’s not even talk about the lights always flickering, or the times I suddenly passed out around you. Those are all coincidences that I can explain as some work of God. But this?” Tyler held up his healed finger and laughed,  “I can’t explain this.” 

“Tyler, I-“ Josh wasn’t even sure what Tyler meant when he said that Josh showed up to his house. This was not the first time Tyler mentioned this. Was there something he didn’t know?

“Shut up.” 

He had no real way to explain what he was. He didn’t know.  

He stood over Tyler. Josh’s fists were balled up by his side, his knuckles a crisp white. 

“You have to listen to me. Let me speak, Tyler.”

“I don’t want to hear anything else from you.” Tyler violently shook his head, “Not a word.”

“Tyler, I didn’t know that would happen.” 

“Save it.“ Tyler laughed again, “Just. Save it, Josh. You’re freaking me out. You’re a freak, Josh. There’s something so wrong with you. You can’t act demonic like this in church.” 

“Tyler, you have to believe me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m like this! So many things keep happening and I have no control over it! I’m begging you to just listen to me.” 

“I really don’t care for what you have to say. I’ll see you on Sunday. Try to keep up when we perform. You did a good job in practice today. Minus the whole freak magic stuff.” Tyler stood up and shoved Josh aside. 

He stormed out of the room, leaving Josh standing on his own. 

Chapter Text

Tyler hadn’t spoken to him since the incident. Josh felt completely alone for almost two days. He didn’t want to bother him, so he didn’t message him or call him. They usually texted while Tyler was at home. 

Mark had texted him at one point to ask if they were fighting, since Tyler was isolating himself in his room. Josh didn’t answer. He wanted to give Tyler space, but he also wanted to make sure he was okay. 

He had accidentally overheard Tyler talking to himself at one point. Josh wasn’t sure how. He felt like he was violating some kind of personal space. But all he did was worry too hard about Tyler, and then his voice showed up in his head. Maybe it was just Josh being over creative. But he swore it was Tyler’s voice clear as day. 

They didn’t all come at once. But the cries and prayers came periodically throughout Friday night and Saturday. 

“ God, if you’re real, you need to tell me what’s happening. I ask you for help, is Josh your help? It’s made it worse. I’m so much worse. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore. I am falling and I’m not sure that I want to come back up.” 

“I don’t know where to go from here. I’m going to do something bad and I can’t tell whose fault it is.”

“I don’t want this any more. I thought I was getting better. Why am I so angry.”

“God, I hate him. I can’t stand him. I love him. I need him. I need him out of my life. I need to be normal. Give me a break. Please.” Tyler pleaded. 

Josh felt weird when he heard that one. Like he was reading Tyler’s diary. He was just going to believe it wasn’t real.

“Kill me now or give me something else. I don’t want to deal with this any more. I’m done with it.”

The majority of the bad ones happened early Sunday morning, at an unspeakable time. Tyler had to perform with Josh and Nick at church in the morning. Josh knew that Tyler never slept, but the prayers did not stop. They were beginning to plague Josh’s brain and his own mental health.

He just wanted to go back there and hold Tyler in his arms to tell him it was okay. They’d get through it together somehow. Josh was not leaving him and Josh was only there to help him. 

Maybe Josh was an angel of some sort. 

Everything pointed to it. He learned what angels were through the Bible. But angels shouldn’t have been able to get memory loss or have a body with a heartbeat. But humans couldn’t also couldn’t heal, or force people to pass out. Angel was his only option he had at that point. 

Or maybe he was an alien? But that wouldn’t work. He knew in the back of his mind he couldn’t possibly be an alien. 

There was something inside of him that told him he was on the right track. He still couldn’t remember who he was. But he kept having a voice in the back of his head teaching him things. It told him about his powers and things about Tyler. He had no control over it. But he started to listen to it more. 

He heard Tyler’s voice again. 

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t. I need to go to bed. Maybe I’ll just kill myself to avoid seeing him again. I won’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.” 

Josh had heard one too many negative things from Tyler. He couldn’t just lay there on the church couch and take it anymore. 

He walked all the way back to Tyler’s apartment. It was freezing out as usual and snow was rapidly pounding down. But it was three in the morning and Josh was worried. He needed to know if what he was hearing was real. 

Josh stood by a lamppost and looked up. He knew where Tyler’s bedroom was. The light was off and there were no signs of life to be had. Josh was tempted to throw a snowball at the window to get his attention. 

But he didn’t have to. Tyler walked over to the window a few moments later, almost as if he expected Josh to be there. He looked up at the moon and sighed. Then, he looked down at Josh. He couldn’t hear him, but he could read his lips. 

“Oh, what the fuck.” Josh was pretty sure what Tyler said once he saw him. He dramatically gripped his curtains and closed them so Josh couldn’t see inside anymore. 

“God. If you cared about me, you’d stop making Josh show up. I am sick of seeing his stupid fucking face. I see him and all I can think about is hitting him in the face and then kissing him on the lips. What am I supposed to do?” Josh heard in his head immediately after Tyler closed the blinds. 

Josh panicked. He didn’t want to have to solemnly walk the ten minutes it took to get to the church. He just imagined being back on his couch and scrolling on his phone to distract him from Tyler’s words. He needed to get out of there. 

He must have imagined it too hard. Because suddenly, he was in the church. In the room he “slept” in. His legs felt like jelly but somehow he had teleported back. That was new. That was certainly not a thing normal humans did. Josh tried not to panic about it. He had too many other things on his mind to worry about teleporting. 

He had too many unearthly abilities for his own comfort. Josh missed when he just felt like a normal person with amnesia. It wasn’t funny anymore. It wasn’t just quirky lights flickering anymore. If anyone other than Tyler found out, he would probably get put in a lab somewhere. 

Tyler clearly didn’t even want to see him anymore. Josh felt so defeated. He knew he had messed up and Tyler would probably never forgive him. Even if he said he wanted to kiss him, Josh knew Tyler well enough to know that he was just going to deny everything either way. 

Tyler arrived at the church a half hour early. He had a red bull in his hand and his face was dark. The bags under his eyes seeped deeper than they usually did. He refused to look at Josh when he came inside and made a beeline right into the sanctuary to set up. 

Josh frowned and followed him. 

“Are you going to talk to me?” Josh asked. 

“Nope.” 

“So you don’t want to talk about what happened? Even if I’m here to apologize for what I said?” 

“Not really.”

“You aren’t going to bring up how you hid important information from me? You’ve refused to explain yourself, and I’m getting sick of it. You can’t hide from me forever. Don’t you have anything to say to me?”

“Nope.”

“Talk to me. Please. I heard you last night, Tyler. I don’t know how. But I heard what you were saying about me.” Josh begged. 

Tyler looked over at him in horror before looking back down. 

“If you want to be useful, go bring your drums in here.”

“Tyler.” 

“I don’t want to hear anything from you, freak, unless it’s the sound of a cymbal.” 

“You are fucking unbelievable.” Josh huffed and shoved aside a chair next to Tyler.  He went to get his drums. Tyler had never pissed him off like this before. Josh had never been that angry from what he could remember. Tyler was mad at Josh for hiding his abilities from him, but Tyler was refusing to acknowledge his own shortcomings. 

Nick walked in as Josh was setting up his drums. 

“Tyler, you look worse than you usually do.” Nick laughed, “Did you even sleep?” 

“No,” Tyler said. Josh was thankful Nick was there to be a buffer between them. 

“Oh shit. Are you sure you’re going to be able to perform?” Nick asked. He stood next to Tyler and awkwardly patted his shoulder. Josh could tell that Nick was aware that they were fighting. Josh sat on his stool and started to practice his set without looking at the other two. 

“I’ll be fine.”

“What happened with you two?” Nick motioned to Josh. 

“Nothing.” Tyler stared down at his keys. He started to play the piano in tune with Josh’s drums. 

“I’m sure. Is this about Chris then?” Nick asked, “Josh is a great replacement. Chris picked him out himself.” 

“I know that. This is not about anything. I just didn’t sleep. I’m not mad or upset at anyone.” He looked over at Josh. They were still playing music with each other. They let their instruments argue for them. 

“You literally looked at Josh when you said that.” Nick said louder. 

“Yeah. I can look at Josh if I want to.” Tyler stopped playing and looked back down at his keys. Josh stopped at well. 

“Okay, then.” Nick let out a sigh, “So you’re just being weird edgy Tyler again?”

“Yup.” 

Josh stayed silent during that entire interaction. He had nothing to add. He knew Tyler was struggling. He heard it plenty when he heard Tyler praying. But he was not going to push him any further. 

A few people started coming in to sit in their seats for church. The band got up from their instruments so they could sit in their usual seats.

Tyler sat next to Josh, like he always did, but didn’t touch their legs together like they had the past few weeks. Josh felt empty. Who was he if he wasn’t able to feel Tyler’s touch anymore? Josh wasn’t sure what he would do if Tyler never forgave him and he was forced to deal with the awkward silence forever. 

It only took ten minutes before Tyler allowed himself to move a couple inches over. It seemed like he couldn’t take not being able to touch Josh either, fight or not. 

He rested his arm down and let his fingers brush over Josh’s. He was shaking with nerves. Tyler was never scared to perform before. Josh wanted to hold his hand to make sure he knew it was fine. But he couldn’t - not with everyone around. Any touch was good enough for him after being isolated for two days. They spent the rest of the service with their fingers touching. 

“Before I dismiss you all, we have another performance by our amazing local band.” Pastor announced, “My granddaughter wanted to hear them play, so they’re going to put on a special show for us.” 

Tyler, Nick, and Josh stood up and took their places. Tyler started off with a couple normal hymns that he usually did by himself when he performed. This was only Josh’s second actual performance with Tyler’s band. It was their band now. 

“This next song is one I just finished writing last night. I’ve been working on it for a few weeks and put the finishing touches on it during a sleepless night.” Tyler said into the mic. He glanced over at Josh. 

Josh twirled his drumstick a little bit with anxiety. He was learning how to control his electric abilities. He was able to contain himself during the little moments such as this. He was able to direct his nerves on a light that wasn’t in the room to not allow any attention to him. 

Tyler started playing the song that he started to play the other day. Josh remembered his part for this one. It started off with a soft piano and then came in hard. 

“I don’t fall slow like I used to, I fall straight down.” He sang with his mouth right against the mic, “ you’ve stolen my air catcher, that kept me safe and sound.” 

“My parachute will guide me, safely to ground.” Tyler’s eyes were closed as he sang. Josh just tried to focus on his part. 

“But now, the cord’s not workin, and I see you starin’ me down.” Tyler opened his eyes and looked at Josh. He met his gaze. Was this song about him?

“I won’t fall in love with falling. And I will try to avoid those eyes, oh.” Tyler looked back at his piano and hit the notes hard again. Josh couldn’t let himself get distracted. 

“I think you would beat the moon in a pretty contest. And the moon just happened to be the very first thing that I missed.” That was similar to something Tyler had said to him the night they were drunk. Oh God . This song was about Josh. It had to be. Who else? 

“I was doing fine on my own, and there wasn’t much I lacked. But you’ve stolen my air catcher, and I don’t know if I want it back.” 

Focus. Josh had to focus on his drums. He had to avoid the fact Tyler was staring directly at his soul now. He spaced out during the next few phrases of the chorus. 

“I’m not sure I want to give you tools that can destroy my heart. And I just don’t say what you want to hear. So I’ll write my fears. And I don’t believe, in talking just to breathe. In falling selfishly.” 

Josh finally allowed himself to stare into Tyler’s eyes as he sang. He played the piano softly for the next part. 

“I won’t fall in love with falling. I will try to avoid those eyes. But now, I’m here to give you words as tools that can destroy my heart.” Tyler let his head fall as soon as the song was over. The crowd clapped and Josh couldn’t do anything but sit still in his stool. He wasn’t sure how to take all of that.

The congregation was dismissed once the song was over. 

The crowd went up to Tyler, Nick, and Josh and gave their comments and applause. Everyone started to make their way out so they could go enjoy the coffee hour the church put out after each service. Josh and Tyler always spent it together, but he was sure Tyler didn’t want to see him. 

Tyler waited until everyone except Josh had left and got up from his bench. He walked out of the sanctuary. He took a side door so he could go right outside without anyone interacting. He was purposefully avoiding Josh. 

Josh followed him after a few moments. He was done being nice. He was not going to let Tyler avoid him, especially not after that song. 

Josh stood in front of Tyler once he found him. 

“I knew I could find you here.” Josh said. 

“I thought I told you not to talk to me.” Tyler said. He was sitting on a rock in the woodsy area. They lived in the city, but there was a small fake forest behind the church. Josh only knew he was there because Tyler showed it to him during one of their lunch breaks. There was a section of trees by a rock that no one was able to see from the road. 

“Well, I don’t think I got the message.” Josh pushed some of the snow off the rock. It was freezing out and he could see Tyler was shivering from the cold. He always got so cold so quickly.

“I didn’t ask you to come out here with me. I want to be alone. I didn’t want you to.”

“But I did anyway.” Josh smiled.

Josh sat next to Tyler. 

Tyler didn’t hesitate to grab his hand and squeeze it. He usually asked for permission; but he didn’t feel the need. He seemed so tired and shaky. He might have been angry at Josh, but he was still Tyler. 

“Last night was torture. I hated not being able to talk to you. I don’t want to be mad anymore… But I can’t help but feel what I feel. You didn’t have to hide from me. We would have figured something out.” Tyler looked down and refused to acknowledge that Josh was there outside of the touch of their hands. 

“Me too. I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m sorry. I didn’t know how you’d take me. I didn’t want to risk losing you if you knew there was something wrong with me.” Josh said. 

“I saw you.” Tyler bit his lip and stared straight ahead, “you were outside my window last night. I couldn’t handle seeing you while I was trying to figure out what I was feeling.” 

“That’s okay.” Josh sighed, “I just wanted to go check on you. I didn’t have the guts to go upstairs.”

“You should have. I would have opened the door for you if you knocked.” Tyler ran his thumb across Josh’s hand, “is this okay?” 

“Yes.” Josh nodded, “you can hold my hand.” 

“Okay.” Tyler squeezed it again, “did you really hear me last night?”

“Yeah.” 

“I’m sorry you had to hear all of that.” Tyler shook his head. 

“It’s okay. I’m just glad you’re here and you’re alive. You had me worried. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you too.”

They didn’t speak for a few minutes. Josh wasn’t sure what he could say to make the situation better. Tyler still seemed mad at him. The song told so many different stories at once. There they were, stuck in that limbo that Josh wasn’t sure he’d ever escape from. 

“I liked the song.” Josh said after a moment. 

“I wrote it for you.” 

“I know.”

Silence. 

The silence spoke louder than any words they would say. All Josh could hear was the wind and the cars driving in the distance behind them. Josh could hear Tyler’s heartbeat if he listened closely enough. It was loud and manic, as if he had just run a marathon. Maybe Josh’s heart was beating the same in tune with Tyler’s. 

“You don’t have to think anything of it.” Tyler looked at Josh. 

“I thought everything of it.” Josh looked back. 

Without another word, Tyler leaned forward and connected their lips. 

It was tender and new. There was no desperation in this kiss. Tyler’s lips were soft; they felt like hearing a song for the first time. Josh put his hand on Tyler’s cheek as he returned the kiss. 

Josh felt his body rapidly heat up when he realized what was actually happening. Tyler was kissing him. Josh had waited for this for so long and now it was happening. 

He felt Tyler start to hesitate. Was Josh doing something wrong? Did Tyler feel Josh’s embarrassing body heat? 

He couldn’t handle the many things his body was doing. He was overwhelmed. With joy? With passion? Fear? His body was doing something unnatural. He felt it in his head. He opened his eyes and couldn’t see a thing. He knew what was happening. 

His eyes were radiating an uncontrollable incandescent white light.  

Tyler quickly disconnected their kiss and shielded his eyes. The light radiating from Josh’s eyes had to be blinding. His skin must have been scalding to Tyler, which is why he had backed away so far. Josh looked directly at Tyler but couldn’t see him. The light was too bright. Josh used his hand to shield his face to try to stop the light from coming out. 

Tyler was breathing heavily and Josh could hear him wince from some sort of pain. 

“What are you?”

Chapter Text

ACT II: REGIONAL AT BEST

”What are you?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Josh pleaded. Light was still shining through the cracks of his hand. 

“That really hurt.” Tyler felt his cheek, “Your skin is so hot.” 

“I’m trying to get it to stop.” Josh shook his head. He stood up and started to pace. 

“Just stop thinking about what happened. Maybe that will make it stop.” Tyler said. 

“I don’t think I can stop thinking about you kissing me.” Josh turned his head towards Tyler. Tyler stood up and stood in front of him to get him to stop pacing. 

Tyler was the one who just kissed some sort of inhuman being and he was surprisingly more calm than Josh was. 

“What if I kiss you again?” 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Josh took a couple steps back right into a tree. There was nowhere for him to go now. Tyler walked closer to him and squeezed his own eyes shut to avoid any light. He grabbed Josh’s scalding hands and moved them away from his face. Josh put his arms to the side in defeat. 

He kissed Josh again. Tyler ran his hand up and down Josh’s arm in an attempt to calm him down. Josh’s heart started to beat at a slower pace. He gripped Tyler’s cheeks and kissed back. Tyler felt his own heart leap as he held Josh’s jacket tighter. 

Josh’s skin was still so hot but Tyler didn’t care. He didn’t care because it was Josh’s lips. Josh’s lip ring had to have burned a line in his lips by now. They had been holding on to this kiss for over a month. Tyler was never one to let the pain stop him. 

Tyler parted his lips to allow Josh to put his tongue inside his mouth. Josh accepted the invitation and didn’t hesitate to do so. The kiss was getting more and more heated by the second. Tyler knew they needed to stop. But Josh was pushing his leg in between Tyler’s. He let out a gasp and leaned into him. They were outside, in a place anyone could see them if they looked hard enough. 

Tyler could feel his heart traveling throughout his body. He had to keep other parts of him calm. There was no way he would allow himself to go too far in these woods, even if he wanted to. Even if he needed to. 

Tyler moaned into the kiss and then pulled his head away to take a breath. He looked at Josh with glassy eyes.

“Your mouth is burned.” Josh frowned. 

“I don’t care.” Tyler panted, pulling him in for another rough kiss. Josh let it happen for a brief second and then pulled away again. His eyes had returned back to normal but his body was still hot. 

Tyler felt his lips. They hurt. They were probably disgustingly blistered from the heat. The blood spilling from his mouth covered his fingers.  

The pain thrilled him. 

They were marks from Josh; like he was claiming Tyler as his own. Tyler wanted Josh to burn his neck and his chest to mark him. He wanted every part of Josh. 

“Why don’t you kiss me again to heal them? Since that’s apparently something you can do.” 

Josh pressed a soft kiss to Tyler’s lips. The pain from the heat melted away. Tyler felt his lips and they were back to normal. He was almost sad about that. 

“How do you know how to do that anyway?” Tyler asked. 

“I don’t know. It’s natural to me. It’s a second nature kind of thing that I can just do.” Josh shrugged. It made sense to Tyler, because that’s what music was for him. He just felt like he knew it without really trying. 

“We need to get back. People are going to be weirded out if they can’t find you after your big performance.” Josh said. 

“Fine. I guess we’ll have to go.” Tyler groaned. He pulled Josh in for one last kiss.

Tyler still had so many unanswered questions and feelings about Josh. He still didn’t trust him. Was Josh even into men? Or was he just unsure since he had no memories. 

Tyler was also still conflicted on believing that Josh actually had memory loss. Tyler partially believed Josh was a sleeper agent from Heaven to spy on him so he wouldn’t kill himself. That was just a crackpot theory of his. There was no way heaven or anyone from heaven would give a damn about Tyler. 

Josh could also easily be an alien. He had weird abilities and weird hot skin. That couldn’t be anything of a human, even if he was in a human body. Maybe Josh had been sent down to Earth to abduct him. 

Tyler wasn’t anyone of interest. So why would Josh remember him of all people? 

He was broken. He was used up. He wasn’t anything. He was a waste of space. 

But sometimes, Josh made him feel differently. Josh made him feel seen, even if Tyler was mad at him. If Josh was a secret agent or a demon, it didn’t matter. He had amazingly soft and hot lips. Tyler wanted to hold on to that for a while. It was something to make him feel alive. 

Tyler saw Nick waiting outside the door for him. 

“Hey. Where did you go? There’s a guy here who’s been waiting to talk to you.” He said and pointed to a man who was reading through a Bible across the room. 

“Oh. I needed a minute to myself after the performance today.” Tyler shrugged. Josh followed behind him. 

“Josh is here too. Perfect.” Nick said.

“I was taking a walk.” Josh glanced at Tyler. Nick slowly blinked at both of them but ignored it. 

“Hi, Tyler.” The man shook his hand, “It’s wonderful to meet you. You guys had a great performance today.” 

“Thanks.” Tyler side-eyed him. 

“I’m John Parker. I’m having a battle of the bands this Saturday. We just had an opening and I think you should enter your band. I hand select the bands to make sure they’re all the real deal.” He said, “It’s twenty dollars a band. Winner gets to open for Bleach Hair.”

Bleach Hair was a band that Tyler had heard of. They had a decent following in Columbus. That could be huge for them. They usually had at least three hundred people at their shows. 

“That would be cool, yeah.” Tyler was trying to act nonchalant about this. He had never been asked to play at a venue outside of the church before. He tried not to get his hopes up. A lot of people entered these things, and Josh was still new to their band. If they practice enough for a week, they might have a shot. 

“Great. He’s my card. Just shoot me a message and I’ll get you guys in. What is your band called?” The man asked.

“Twenty One Pilots.” Tyler answered, “We’re Josh, Tyler, and Nick.” he pointed to the respective group members as he said their names.

“Josh is new?” The man asked, “Last performance you had a different person.”

“Yeah. Chris had to leave to focus on work. But Josh is a fine replacement.” Tyler glanced over at Josh. They were doing a great job at acting like they didn’t just eat each other up.

“That’s fine. I’ll get you guys signed up. I look forward to hearing from you.” John Parker shook Tyler’s hand again and walked away. 

“Wow, dude!” Josh grinned, “That’s a big deal, right?” 

“Yes. Somewhat.” Tyler shrugged, “We’ve never been invited to something like that before. I guess we’re starting to go somewhere, even if it’s small. I’m looking forward to being able to do a performance that isn’t just sitting behind a piano and singing. Pastor doesn’t let me seriously perform here.”

“I think I’ve seen that one video of you performing in your parents basement. You looked like you were naturally in your element.” Josh said. Tyler felt embarrassed that Josh had seen that video. 

“Oh, that video.” Tyler laughed harder than he should have, “I can’t believe you’ve seen that.”

“It was great. You got so into it and there wasn’t even anyone to perform for. You’re amazing at everything you do.” Josh said. Tyler did not deserve his kindness after the way he had treated him less than an hour ago. 

“Stop it.” Tyler rolled his eyes as he playfully slapped Josh’s arm, “now you’re just flattering me to suck up.” 

“Hey, I need to head home.” Nick said, “I haven’t added much to this conversation anyway.” 

“Oh. Yeah. Have a good day, Nick. Let’s meet back here Wednesday night for practice?” Tyler smiled at him.

“Sure. I’m glad to see you’re in a better mood than you were this morning. I guess this news helped perk you up.” 

“Yeah. It was the news.” Tyler nodded. Nick left and Tyler looked back at Josh. Tyler wasn’t sure what to say to him. If he was being honest with himself, he had nothing else he wanted to say out loud to Josh. He wanted to continue their ”conversation” from earlier without any interruptions. 

Tyler had never had sex with a man before. He had never had sex ever. He never even thought he’d want to sleep with a man. It never really crossed his mind. He didn’t have a problem with gay people. But it was never for him.  Tyler knew deep down he had a form of attraction to men, but he mostly ignored it. He couldn’t ignore how Josh made him feel. He wanted nothing more than to feel Josh’s hot hands on his entire body. 

He wondered what Josh’s experience was before his memory loss. Was he a virgin too? Was Josh gay? Was he only gay because he hit his head? Tyler didn’t want to think about the possibility that Josh was married. He had too many questions about what he was doing before finding Tyler. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.” Josh and Tyler started walking to where their coffee hour was, even if it was almost over. 

“What?” Tyler asked, fearful. 

“Were you serious the other day when you asked me to move in with you and Mark? We got into a fight immediately after that, so we never cleared any of it up.” Josh said. Tyler wanted to hold his hand as they walked. But he couldn’t.

“Oh. Yes, I am. It’s not like you have any stuff that would clog up the apartment. You can stay on our couch. We have one of those ones that turns into a bed, so I’m sure it’ll be much more comfortable than the couch you sleep on here.” Tyler nodded, “I’m sure Mark won’t care. I’d just ask you to pay some rent to help with bills.”

“I can do that. Pastor said he’s going to start paying me more if I no longer live here.” 

“Oh perfect. It’ll all work out in the end. We can walk to and from work together too.” Tyler couldn’t let himself get too excited about Josh moving in. It was temporary. Nothing perfect ever lasts. 

The pair walked into the fellowship hall where the coffee hour was taking place. Tyler’s family was sitting in their usual spot. 

“Where have you been?” Tyler’s mom asked.

“There was a guy from a battle of the bands who invited us to participate, so I was talking to him for a while.”

“I was just worried about you. You ran off outside after church today.” She said. Tyler sat next to his mom and Josh sat across from him. He wished Josh had sat next to him so he could press their thighs together. 

“Oh. I just needed a moment. I didn’t sleep much last night, so I was exhausted. The performance took a lot out of me.” Tyler said. 

“It was a great song. What was it about? I never know what any of your songs are about.”

“I’m going to go get us coffee.” Josh said quickly and walked over to the coffee machine. 

“Nothing really. Sometimes I just write things to write them. I make up stories in my songs all the time.” Tyler shrugged.

“It makes sense. The amount of your songs about really dark things are too imaginative to be about your life. There’s nothing bad going on, so you have to channel someone else.” His dad said. Tyler felt his hand shake a bit at that comment. If only his family knew what was going on in his head.  

“I thought it was pretty good too.” His sister said, “It was cool to see Josh perform again. He’s officially part of the band now, right?” 

“Yeah. He’s excited about it.” 

“I think it’s too soon to trust him to be in your band like that. What if you get big and he suddenly remembers he’s an accountant or something like that.” Zack smirked, “And then you’re screwed.”

“Zack! Don’t talk like that.” Tyler’s dad frowned, “You need to be more supportive of your brother.”

“I’m not being unsupportive! I’m being realistic. Josh isn’t going to be an amnesiac forever. A lot of them get their memories back after a few months. He just has to go with caution having a guy like that in his band.”

Tyler pressed his lips together in frustration. He kept trying to avoid thinking about that. Zack shouldn’t have brought it up. With recent events, Tyler wouldn’t know what he would do if Josh changed completely. 

Josh came back with his coffee exactly the way he liked it and handed it to Tyler. He made sure to grab it directly from him so that their fingers could brush up against each other. Anything for a touch. 

“Hi Josh. We weren’t talking about you.” Zack smiled at Josh. Josh looked confused but ignored the comment. 

“I’m glad I didn’t miss anything.” Josh said. Tyler laughed in response.

“When is your battle of the bands?” Tyler’s father asked. 

“Saturday. So we only have a few days to practice and pick what songs we’re going to do. I think we’ll be fine. Josh has been putting a lot of practice in. He’s a natural. He plays the drums like it’s all he’s ever done.” Tyler looked over at Josh again and smiled. Zack looked like he wanted to make a comment on that, but kept himself silent in front of their parents. 

“I’m sure you’ll win.” His mother said. The rest of the coffee hour was pleasant for the most part. Tyler couldn’t help but find himself staring at Josh the entire time. He wasn’t trying to avoid it anymore. He wanted to study every curve of his face. He loved Josh’s curls in his hair that had one little strand fall past his forehead. His bright white smile that lit up whenever he looked back at Tyler. 

Tyler was really falling in love. Maybe Josh was in love with him too.

“Do you want to pack up your things and head home with me?” Tyler asked, “I texted Mark, by the way. He’s cool with it until you can get your own place.” They were walking to the common room that Josh slept in. Tyler knew that Josh kept all of his stuff in a bag hidden in the closet. 

“Yeah.” Josh nodded. 

“If there weren’t cameras in this room, I’d kiss you, you know.” Tyler said as he watched Josh grab his couple bags. 

“I don’t think someone is doing twenty-four hour surveillance in this room. I really sure hope they aren’t, at least.” Josh said. Tyler’s face burned as he thought about what Josh could mean by that. 

“I’m too paranoid for that. I don’t think I’m ready for anyone to know about us, especially not Pastor Keons.” 

“And what about us?” Josh turned his head around to give Tyler a look that could make him pass out. 

“You know…” Tyler shrugged. 

“Yeah.” Josh snickered. He had two plastic bags full of clothes in his hands. The pair left the church to walk in the snow back to Tyler’s apartment. It was their apartment now. 

Tyler should have invited him to live with them a long time ago. He was too scared to have been left alone with Josh back then. It was before he could acknowledge anything about himself and his feelings for Josh. Now, all he wanted to do was be alone with him. 

They held hands on the way home. They’d step aside from each other if a person walked near them, but for the most part they were safe to do so. 

“Hey, Mark.” Tyler announced when they walked in. He was hoping that Mark wouldn’t be home. Sunday was a grab bag for Mark, and Tyler was hoping for a miracle.

“Hey.” Mark smiled from the couch. He was doing something on his laptop; most likely editing the photos he took for the wedding he did the night before. Tyler never thought he’d be disappointed to see his friend. 

“We got invited to be in a battle of the bands.” Josh said and placed his items down on the couch. 

“Oh shit. That’s awesome! You can probably leave your stuff in Tyler’s room.” Mark said, “Minus whatever you’d be sleeping with. His room is bigger, so he has more space for your clothes than anywhere else in this apartment.”

“All of my clothes are Tyler’s anyway. We practically share everything.” Josh grabbed the bags and walked into Tyler’s room.

“This won’t be for too long, right?” Mark whispered, “I like the guy. But this is a two person apartment. It’s not really going to fit a third person comfortably. The couch is fine for him, but if he wants to start being his own person with his own clothes, we’re going to feel cramped.” 

“It’s just until he can afford his own place. He can share my room for everything but sleeping. You know I don’t really have a lot of things. He’s going through a lot, give him some credit.” Tyler said quietly. He wondered if one of Josh’s freak powers were accelerated hearing. He hoped that wouldn’t be the case. 

“I’m not saying I don’t want him here.” Mark shook his head, “He can stay forever if he wants. I just don’t want him to feel cramped. This apartment has just two bedrooms, a living room, and a kitchen. Sometimes I even feel stuffed here.”

“We’ll just see what happens.” Tyler shrugged, “Welcome back, Josh.”

Josh smiled, “It’s still pretty early in the day. What do you guys usually do on your days off?” He sat next to Mark on the couch. Tyler was pretty sad that he didn’t sit next to him. There was plenty of space.

“I usually watch TV, write, or go on walks. I’m pretty boring.” Tyler shrugged, “What do you usually do?” 

“There’s always someone at the church to talk to until the evening. Usually Paula or Pastor. I just like to get to know people. But I already know you two pretty well, so there isn’t much to get to know for you guys.” Josh shrugged, “I also go walking too.”

Tyler still found himself staring directly at Josh, even when Mark spoke. 

“Maybe you two should go out and get Josh some of his own clothes. It’s pretty weird that you guys share your clothes. You can just drive to Target or something.” Mark suggested. 

Tyler liked sharing clothes with Josh, “We could do that. We’ll end up sharing the clothes anyway.”

Josh laughed at that. Tyler fed off his laugh and laughed harder than Josh. It wasn’t even that funny. 

“Okay…” Mark nodded and looked back at his computer. 

They went out and picked out clothes for each other. Josh was able to get some more necessities that Tyler was shocked he didn’t have yet. It was a miracle that man was still alive and smelling good. 

They also went out for dinner once they were done. Josh didn’t eat anything, but he ordered it so they didn’t look suspicious. Tyler would probably just eat his food later when he got hungry. Tyler wasn’t sure if it counted as a date, since they didn’t label themselves. All they did was kiss. 

They got back home pretty late. They took a walk through the snow and lit up streets before they got back home. Tyler was just enjoying Josh’s company. They stood outside by the lamppost that Josh was standing at when he first saw him. 

“This is the lamppost you were standing by.” Tyler put his hand on it.

“When?” Josh asked.

“When I first saw you.” Tyler looked up to see if any windows were open nearby. It was dark. The only light on the streets were the ones near them. 

“When was this anyway?” Josh asked.

“The night before you showed up at the church.” Tyler looked down as he admitted this.

“You saw me before I hit my head?” 

“Yeah…”

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know. It felt weird to say. I looked out my window after a specifically horrible night. I begged God to give me some kind of sign because I was getting ready to end it all. I look out the window for answers, and you were there.” Tyler paused. 

Josh’s face was unreadable. Tyler couldn’t tell how he felt. 

“You were looking up directly at me. You saw me and ran away when we locked eyes.” Tyler couldn’t look at Josh, “And then I went to work the next day. You were there.”

Josh walked over to Tyler, “So, I spent so long wondering who I was. You knew something and you just didn’t tell me?” 

“I didn’t think it would be important enough to you. It doesn’t give a hint to who you are. You were just some guy outside my apartment.”

“Think about it for a minute, Tyler.” Josh slid his hand down Tyler’s arm and grabbed his hand. Tyler shuttered. 

“I don’t know what there is to think about.” Tyler backed himself against the lamp post. He knew what was coming. 

He was gripping their shopping bags in one hand for stability. Josh followed Tyler and pressed himself against him. He nervously looked around to see if anyone was watching them out here. He thanked God that their living room curtain was closed. 

“Do you think that I was here for you? Somehow, someway, I came to your house to see you? And you didn’t think that was important enough to tell me?” Josh asked. 

Tyler could now tell Josh was angry with him. But he was acting possessive and more dominant than he was before. Tyler could tell in his body language and the way he was gripping Tyler’s hand. 

Tyler could barely breathe. The lamppost flickered and turned off completely. It was so dark now, but Tyler could still see Josh’s face right in front of him. Tyler’s silence made it worse. Josh huffed, and his eyes were a different color. Instead of the beautiful brown that they were usually, they lit up a colorless white. It wasn’t as bright as earlier, but it was still right in Tyler’s eyes. He closed them to avoid strain.

“I spent all this time thinking that I was weirding you out. That I was getting too close to you, Tyler. But all this time, I was here for you from the start?” Josh breathed and grabbed Tyler’s waist with both hands. 

“Yeah.” Tyler held his breath and opened his eyes to look straight into Josh’s painfully white eyes. He kept himself from flinching from the horrible pain.  

“I’m still nowhere near figuring it all out. But I do know that I came here for you. There’s no doubt in my mind that I came here to look for you. I just wished you had told me, Tyler.“ Josh said. 

“I just didn’t know what to think about it.”

”No more secrets between us anymore.” Josh’s eyes softened. They were still lit, but not as piercingly. 

“I just didn’t want to tell you. I should have. It got to the point where it felt like it was too late to tell you…That’s all that I have. I’m not keeping anything else from you. Maybe a song or two. But you have to wait for those if I ever show you.” Tyler kept his gaze.

“You confuse me sometimes.” Josh looked down at Tyler’s lips. 

“I know. I confused myself too.” Tyler tried not to smile at that comment. 

“You’re so much.” Josh kissed him. Tyler kissed back and leaned into it. This kiss was warm - not hot. Josh was the perfect temperature for the freezing night. 

Tyler finally dropped their bags to the floor and wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck. Tyler didn’t think it was possible for their bodies to be closer, but Josh pressed himself harder against Tyler. He moaned into the kiss and bit on Josh’s bottom lip.

Josh pulled away after a few moments of their intense kiss. He pressed his face against Tyler’s neck, “We need to go inside.”

“I don’t want to. Mark’s still in there.” Tyler ran his fingers through Josh’s hair. 

“We’re going to have to. We’re going to seem suspicious if he knows we got home but we’re outside making out.” Josh chuckled, “there will always be another time.”

“I need you now, Josh.” Tyler breathed, “you’re here for me, remember.”

“Using my own words against me?” Josh laughed. Tyler laughed back and pulled Josh in for a tight hug. 

Tyler was happy. But nothing perfect ever lasts. He’d have to hold on with a loose hand, and hope that his heart can stay in one piece. 

Chapter Text

Mark sat in between Tyler and Josh again.

 It was three nights after they kissed. They didn’t do anything else. Josh wanted to play it safe, since Tyler was worried someone would see. They would still steal touches during work. It was worse now that they’d broken the dam. It was just harmless workplace flirting before. Now it was getting impossible to be around each other without jumping on top of one another.  

They hadn’t had a second alone since Josh moved in. Mark was home working on editing all day and all night. Josh and Tyler were going insane. They’d steal kisses when they could, but they couldn’t go any further than that. Josh wanted more. 

He had no experience with sex, but he obviously knew what it was. He knew desire, because his desire for Tyler was overflowing. 

“I think Amanda needs to go home. The pork chops are clearly undercooked.” Josh said, “her presentation is good, but that’s it.” 

“I think she cooked it fine. They haven’t cut it open yet, so we don’t know how pink it is.” Tyler crossed his legs, “I’m not giving up on her yet.” 

“You two are putting way too much into this show.” Mark laughed, “But I agree with Josh. She got sloppy.” 

“Thank you.” Josh smirked at Tyler. 

“Well, at least Mark agrees with you. Two against one. We’ll see what happens.” Tyler rolled his eyes and leaned back against the couch. Josh wanted to sit next to him. He couldn’t stand looking at Tyler in a short sleeve shirt and black sweatpants. Josh could just tell Tyler wasn’t wearing anything under the sweatpants. Tyler rarely wore underwear when they were just sitting at home.  Tyler was trying to kill him. 

“I need an opinion.” Mark turned his computer to both of the other guys. It was past Mark's usual bedtime. Josh just wanted a few minutes in the living room with Tyler. They did it every night, where they would hold each other for a few minutes. Josh craved the tender touches just as much as the passionate ones.  They couldn’t do it in Tyler’s room. That was too suspicious. 

“I like the first one. It shows off the subject more, and the background is less busy.” Tyler pointed to a couple of things on the computer screen. 

“I agree.” Josh nodded. How many more times was Mark going to ask them questions?

Their show was coming to an end and it was almost midnight. Amanda was kicked off much to Tyler’s dismay. Josh naturally let the next episode of their show play. 

Josh felt a twinge of excitement when he saw Mark yawn. He glanced at Tyler when he heard the first one. Tyler looked like he had to hold back a laugh. They were thinking the same thing. 

“Well. I’m going to head off to bed. I have a shoot tomorrow afternoon so I have to do some more editing in the morning. I’ll be home before you guys anyway.” Mark stood up and stretched. He scratched his face and looked at the other two, ”You don’t have to bother turning the volume off like you usually do. I’m going to put my headphones in for a bit.” He walked over to his bedroom. 

Tyler and Josh waited a few moments after the door closed to scoot next to each other. Tyler wasted no time grabbing Josh’s face to kiss him. Josh felt his face flush and kissed back. It started off as an innocent kiss. They were kissing like any couple would after a long day. They never did much more than this when they were in the living room because they were worried Mark would hear. 

But he had his headphones in and the TV was still loud. 

Tyler then pushed his tongue into Josh’s mouth. Josh let him in and turned his body so he could lay Tyler down. He hovered over him as their tongues pushed on each other. This kiss was wet and messy. It was an entire day of waiting. Josh grunted and put a knee against Tyler’s crotch. 

Tyler turned his head, “You’re wasting no time.” 

“I didn’t want to waste another minute. Mark has headphones in.” Josh said into Tyler’s ear. Tyler shuttered and started to grind against Josh’s knee. Josh pressed his lips against Tyler’s neck. He nipped and kissed at it, not caring in the moment if he left any bites. He could heal them away. 

Josh was glad he was past the nerves that caused his whole body to dangerously heat up. He still got warmer than most people when he kissed him, but it wasn’t something Tyler wasn’t able to handle. In fact, Tyler liked it better. They had only had one other make out session, and Tyler didn’t stop telling Josh how much he loved the warmth. 

Josh was nervous at what his body would do if they ever took it to the next step. He could handle kissing now, but what was he going to do once Tyler touched him for the first time?

“I need you, Josh.” Tyler whined. He gripped Josh’s hair. 

“I know.” Josh moved his lips to Tyler’s ear, “What do you need?” 

“I…” Tyler bucked his hips up again, “I need you. I don’t know. Kiss me, bite me, fuck me? I’ll take anything right now as long as it’s from you.” 

Josh laughed sensually in Tyler’s ear, “You’re going to have to wait for that last one.” 

Tyler whined again, “Please.” 

“Tyler.” Josh kissed and nibbled at his ear. He moved his knee from out of Tyler’s leg. He slowly guided his hand from Tyler’s waist to the waistband of his sweatpants. 

“Please, Josh. Touch me.” Tyler looked up at Josh. He moved away from Tyler’s ear and kissed his lips. He slid his hand into Tyler’s sweatpants. He was right; Tyler wasn’t wearing any underwear. He moved his hand down and took hold of Tyler’s cock. Tyler was already hard and pulsing for Josh. 

“You’re already hard for me?” Josh let out a breathy laugh against his lips. It was the first time he had ever touched Tyler this way. Tyler writhed underneath him and cupped his mouth with one hand. Josh slowly pumped his hand and used the precum to lubricate it. 

“Good.” Josh used his other hand to pet Tyler’s hair, “You’re being good for me. Keep quiet so no one hears you.” 

Tyler nodded profusely and bucked his hips up.  Josh quickened the pace of his strokes. He enjoyed breaking Tyler apart and watching him squirm underneath him. Something about the way Tyler was acting flipped a dominant switch in Josh’s brain that he wasn’t aware he had. 

“You know.” Tyler breathed, “I never thought I’d be having sex before marriage.” 

“Yeah? What changed your mind?” Josh stopped his strokes to rub the top of the head. 

“You.” Tyler moaned, “Being around you made it impossible to wait.” 

Josh tried his best not to blush. He was doing a great job at keeping his composure up to that point. The TV changed the channels by itself a couple of times. 

“I never really thought about sex at all.” Josh started to kiss his neck again, “until I saw you out of the shower that one time.”

“Really?” Tyler laughed and moaned when Josh started to jerk him off again. Tyler started to pant and turn his head side to side. The only light in the room was the TV that neither of them paid attention to. But Josh could see Tyler enough to enjoy the view. He was falling apart. He had never had his cock stroked by another person, so it was new for both of them. Tyler was responding so positively to the touch that it made Josh’s own cock ache. 

“Yeah. I wanted to rip that towel off of you and fuck you. But I wasn’t sure if you wanted me too.” Josh started kissing his way back up Tyler’s neck.  

“You could have. You could’ve pinned me down and taken me. I’d have said yes if you asked me first.” Tyler whined. 

“It’s never too late.” Josh kissed him again. 

Tyler only kissed back for a moment, “I’m close, Josh.“ he said quietly. 

“Good.” Josh moved his lips to Tyler’s neck and bit down a couple of times. Tyler whined with each bite.  

“Please. Oh my God. Josh.” Tyler bucked his hips frantically. Josh pushed his sweatpants down a little more to fully free his cock. After a few more strokes, Tyler was cumming on his stomach. He could feel Tyler’s heartbeat, which went astray from its normal rate. 

“Kiss me. Hold me.” Tyler gripped Josh’s shirt, “And then I’ll return the favor.”

“What if I hurt you?” Josh asked, tucking Tyler’s cock back. Josh let himself put some of his weight on Tyler as he lay on top of him. He was probably getting Tyler’s cum all over his clothes, but he didn’t care. Tyler wrapped his arms and legs around Josh. 

“I don’t care.” Tyler whispered, “hurt me.” 

“I don’t want to go too far and hurt you too badly.” Josh said.

”I told you. I don’t care. I kinda like it, even if my body doesn’t.” Tyler smirked.

“I wish…” Josh sighed and pressed his lips against Tyler’s neck. He had to have completely destroyed Tyler’s neck by now. He’d have to heal the hickeys so that Tyler wouldn’t be embarrassed at work. 

“Wish what?” Tyler asked. 

“I wish that we could go all the way tonight. It feels so right. The lighting, your beautiful face, and the emotions I’m feeling now just make me want to feel inside you.” Josh breathed, “But I just…can’t risk it. I don’t know what I’m capable of anymore. What if I really really hurt you?” 

“I told you, Josh. I don’t care.” Tyler rubbed Josh’s back, “Only reason I’m saying no is that I don’t want Mark to decide he needs to use the bathroom or something. And I wouldn’t want you  to stop.”

Josh picked his head up so he could kiss Tyler on the lips. They deepened their kiss, but it didn’t turn into anything sloppy. Tyler was right, and it made Josh so mad. 

“Can you get off of me?” Tyler asked, “And sit up?” 

Josh nodded and did what Tyler had asked. His cock was straining against the pajama pants he had borrowed from Tyler. He crawled up on to Josh’s lap. 

Josh put his hands on Tyler’s hips right away. He was sure Tyler could feel his cock press up against him from this angle. Tyler started to grind his hips against Josh’s, receiving a moan from both of them. 

“Who would have thought a month ago when I was naming you that we would be grinding on each other like this?” Tyler let out a breathy laugh. 

“I don’t think I could have imagined it, even if I did think you were hot when I first met you. I wasn’t sure if what I was feeling was a correct emotion, seeing as I had forgotten everything. I think I felt like you’d think I was creepy. And I didn’t want to risk losing my only friend until I knew this was something you wanted.” Josh said. 

“You’re speaking too many words now.” It was Tyler’s turn to press kisses and bites on Josh’s neck. Josh gripped Tyler’s hips tighter and bucked up. The feeling sent a wave of electricity through Josh’s body. His eyes flashed light for a brief second. 

“Your neck is so warm. I can tell you’re getting flustered, because your body is starting to heat up more.” Tyler said. 

“I’m trying to control it.” Josh was embarrassed. 

“Don’t.” Tyler shook his head. He ran his hands down Josh’s clothed chest. He slid off of Josh and onto the floor. Seeing Tyler look up at him with glossy needy eyes could make Josh melt away. Something about the way his eyes fluttered as he looked Josh up and down. 

Tyler slid Josh’s pajama pants and boxers down. He stared at Josh’s cock for a few moments. Josh wasn’t sure if he had a good cock. He never really had anything to compare it to. He liked Tyler’s, at least what he felt of it. He didn’t get a good look. But hopefully, Tyler would be fine with what Josh was working with. 

“Whoa.” Tyler said, still unable to take his eyes off of Josh. 

“Whoa?” Josh asked, his cock twitching. 

“Sorry. I just… it’s crazy to me that we’ve gotten this far. I’ve never touched another person's dick before. I don’t know if I’m going to know what to do with it.” Tyler leaned his head on Josh’s thigh. 

“Just do what your body tells you. Don't think too hard about it.” Josh pet Tyler’s hair. 

Tyler nodded, “I didn’t think I’d be nervous. I just want to make you feel good, Josh. But this is new to me.” 

“You don’t have to do anything if it makes you uncomfortable.” Josh reminded him. 

“I’m not uncomfortable, not really. It’s just…” Tyler picked his head back up, “You were so confident when you touched me. You were able to just make me cum without even thinking about it. But now I’m overthinking it. I overthink everything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. What if this isn’t really what I want?”

“Don’t overthink it. Just let your body tell you what to do. And if you don’t want this, please tell me. Then we can stop.” 

“I think it’s impossible for me not to overthink anything.” Tyler continued to look his cock up and down. Josh’s cock twitched a couple of times. 

“Do you need some words of encouragement?” Josh asked. 

“Maybe,” Tyler shrugged. 

Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s hair, “You were so good for me earlier. Be a good boy now and take my cock in your mouth.”  Josh wasn’t sure where words like that came from. 

Tyler’s face was probably as hot as Josh’s was. He wrapped his hand around Josh’s cock. Josh felt a jolt of pleasure that he had never experienced before. He panted and felt his body heat up again. 

“Shh.” Tyler said softly as he pumped his hand, “If you let yourself get overwhelmed, I’m going to have to stop. It’s different when I’m in control. My body naturally retracts. It doesn’t exactly like getting burnt.” Josh could tell by the way he was talking that he was already in pain. 

“Sorry.” Josh took a couple of deep breaths. He tried his best to calm down, but the feeling of Tyler’s hand was driving him crazy. Josh wasn’t sure he would be able to handle this. 

“I can’t wait to feel your warm cock inside of me.” Tyler looked up at Josh and pressed his mouth against the tip. Tyler looked Josh directly in the eyes as he took Josh into his mouth. 

Josh shuttered again and felt the heat escape his eyes, but even worse this time. He was trying to avoid the light from coming out, but Tyler opened the floodgates. He squeezed them shut to avoid blinding him. Josh could light up the whole house if he allowed himself to open his eyes. 

Tyler quickly picked his head up and hissed. Josh felt so guilty. He didn’t want to hurt him, but he had no control over it.

“You have to take control of me, Josh. I’m not going to be able to do this unless you do. Grip my hair tight and force me to take it.” 

Josh coughed and opened his eyes by accident to shockingly look at Tyler. Tyler shielded his eyes from the light. He still could not believe the words that came out of his mouth. Even then, Josh was unexpectedly into it. 

For the split second he saw Tyler, he could see his mouth was covered in blood. It was slightly wiped off by Tyler’s sleeve. He just knew that the blood had to be all over his cock as well. Why did that make Josh’s cock twitch? 

“I’m not. I can’t force you to do that. I’ve heard you enough already.” Josh shook his head quickly. 

“Let me help you.” Tyler took Josh in his mouth again. Josh just knew it had to be painful. It had to feel like putting your mouth directly into fire. He knew that Tyler didn’t mind pain. He probably enjoyed it in his own twisted way. 

Josh moaned and slid his fingers through Tyler’s messy brunette hair. Tyler’s eyes were tearing up as he started to bob his head up and down. Josh’s eyes got brighter. He couldn’t handle the pleasure of a mouth on him. Josh gripped Tyler’s hair tightly and picked his head up. 

Drool dragged from Tyler’s mouth to Josh’s cock. Tyler’s mouth was bleeding and he laughed. Josh needed to get himself together before they tried anything further. His body was too much for Tyler to handle. Josh could only imagine the pain real sex would bring for him.

“I told you. I don’t care.” Tyler laughed and Josh could hear him lick the remaining blood off his lips. 

“I know you don’t. But I do.” Josh said softly. He let himself calm down a little more and moved his hand to Tyler’s cheek. 

“Please. I just want to make you feel good, Josh.” Tyler whined, “it’s not fair.” 

“I know.” Josh sighed. 

“I’m going to give you a second to calm down. But not enough to make you go soft.” Tyler smiled. Josh’s eyes were still closed. He wished he could have looked Tyler in the face. 

Tyler put his hand on Josh’s cock again. So much for letting him calm down. Josh’s body had to be a little less hot, because Tyler wasn’t wincing in pain again. Josh moaned and bit his lip as he felt the pleasure of Tyler’s hand. He wanted his mouth again, but he would take this. 

Tyler licked the tip and swirled his tongue up and down Josh’s cock. Josh gasped and put his hands over his eyes. He tried his best to keep his body calm as nothing but pleasure ran through his body. Josh felt like he was close already.

He knew he was still hurting Tyler. But Tyler seemed to either be in such shock from the pain and blood, or he stopped caring. He even got some blood on Josh’s cock as he started sucking again. 

“Tyler…” Josh groaned lowly. 

Without warning, Tyler snapped his head back. He shoved Josh’s pants up over his cock. 

“Did I hurt you?” Josh asked with a big frown on his face. 

“Josh. You have to stop dropping your Cheez-its on the floor.” Tyler huffed angrily, “I can’t keep coming down here to pick them up for you.” 

Josh wanted to open his eyes to see what was going on. 

“You guys are still up?” Mark asked. Josh cursed in his head. Had he seen anything?

“Y-Yeah.” Tyler laughed nervously. Josh turned himself to lay down and shoved his face into a pillow.

“Is your mouth bleeding?” Mark sounded concerned. Josh could hear his footsteps getting closer.

“Burned my mouth really bad on tea.” Tyler said nervously.

“Okay? It looks really bad. Tea should not have done something that bad. You should eat Italian Ice or something to help with the burn.”  Mark suggested, “Josh looks like he’s passed out already. You guys should just go to bed.”

“What are you even doing out here?” Tyler asked. 

Mark paused. Josh wished he could have seen the look on Mark’s face after such a suspicious question. 

“My laptop was just acting up. I mean flashing and malfunctioning. I needed to step away to get water because it was hurting my eyes.” 

“Oh. Maybe you should get that checked out.” Tyler said. 

“Probably. I don't really have the money to get it fixed right now so I’m hoping it’ll just fix itself.” Mark said. 

“That was so close.” Tyler took a sigh of relief, “I have never been so scared in my life.” 

“Yeah. I can’t see right now, so it was worse for me.”

“I’m shocked the light in your eyes hasn’t left yet.” Tyler rubbed Josh’s back. He crawled over to Josh and leaned his head on the couch.

“I was so close. But I think it got scared away.” Josh sighed into the pillow.

“That’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Do you mind healing my mouth now, please?” Tyler asked, “I feel like my mouth is going to explode.” 

“Of course.” Josh picked his head up. He opened his eyes when he realized they were back to normal. He moved his head forward to give Tyler a soft kiss. He pulled away and Tyler’s mouth was back to normal.

“All things considered, that was fun. I wish I could have seen you cum, but I’m also nervous for that. Your eyes were closed, but the TV was freaking out the entire time I had my mouth on you.” Tyler kissed Josh again, “Mark is right. I’m going to head off to bed. If I can’t sleep, I’ll know where to find you.” 

“Goodnight.” Josh said.  

Chapter Text

“I think we have to do Addict With A Pen, Air Catcher, and end on Trees.” Nick said, “But that’s my opinion.” 

They were at their final practice Saturday morning before Battle of the Bands. They had to select three songs to perform, and they were all in disagreement on which ones to play. 

“We’re going to do Fall Away, Forest, and end on Trees.” Tyler said. 

“We haven’t even practiced Forest yet.” Nick crossed his arms, “I don’t know if we’d be ready. Not everyone has the weird connection you two have.” 

“We can play it now. I sent you the chords yesterday. Did you even look at them? We have to be in this together.” 

“I know you sent me the chords. I looked at them. But, I have to practice. I can’t play it for the first time on the day of the concert.” Nick huffed, “I have school to focus on. I can’t be super invested like you two are. I have other responsibilities. It was one thing when we just played sometimes for church. But I didn’t sign up to learn a million songs.”

“Fine. We’ll play Addict With A Pen instead.” Tyler said shortly. He couldn’t understand what was so hard about that. Forest didn’t even have a lot of bass in it to memorize. He was also frustrated that Nick wasn’t on board with learning more songs. Tyler began writing and finalizing a lot more songs - Nick was going to have to get used to it.

He wanted to get an album out if they were to start playing at other venues. Maybe if he produced an album, they’d get the funds for gas money to travel more. He’d also get more of a variety of songs in case they needed to do full sets someday. Tyler was proud of himself for being noticed, even if it was small. It gave him hope that he could actually do something more with his life. 

He was still frustrated that he wouldn’t be able to debut his newest song.

“Why not play Forest anyway? Four songs won’t kill anyone. We can blend Addict With A Pen and Fall Away to shorten them.” Josh suggested, “Forest barely has any bass in it, if any.”

It was like Josh could read his mind. Maybe he could, seeing as he had those weird powers. 

“So you want me to stand there swaying around for one song I don’t know?” Nick rolled his eyes. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Josh said, “Tyler seems to really want to play that one, I was offering a different solution.”

“Sure you were.” Nick sighed, “It’s Tyler’s band. We can play whatever he wants.”

“I swear. You never listen to what I actually have to say.” Tyler said with his head down, “I can give suggestions but the band belongs to us. Not to me.” 

“Yeah. Keep telling yourself that.” Nick huffed.

Tyler started to angrily play the piano while he ignored Nick’s last comment. He wasn’t playing a particular song, but he needed to let his anger out. He hated fighting within his band. He worked too hard to deal with arguments. 

It was their band, not Tyler’s. Their band.

Each of the trio played an important part in the performance. He wasn’t going to be able to do this without all of them. He was happy that he had Josh to take over Chris’s place when he left, but Tyler was still hurt from that. He really thought they’d all make it together when he originally formed twenty one pilots with them. Chris is one of his best friends - he thought traveling the world with his best friends was his future. It was still possible with Josh involved. It was probably for the better. But Tyler still couldn’t help but feel overwhelming emotions when thinking about their lineup change.

The trio didn’t talk as Josh and Nick stared at Tyler while he manically played on the piano. Tyler was sure he’d use this for something. He let out an angry yell. He went too far again. But there was no stopping him.

Tyler felt a soft touch to his shoulder. He looked up to see Josh looking down at him. His hand was warm.  

Josh and Tyler spent the entire week trying to figure out how that power worked. They practice outside of sex, and during sex. They still hadn’t fully gone all the way yet. Josh refused until he could control himself better. Tyler understood why, even if it made him sad and desperate. Tyler received most of the pleasure during sex, because Josh still couldn’t control his body. He hated it; he felt like their sex was one-sided. But Josh cared way too much about Tyler to hurt him any more than he already did. 

No matter how many times Tyler told him that he liked the pain, Josh refused. The few times Josh had allowed Tyler to touch him was unbelievably thrilling. He’d get bloodied and burnt. His hands and his mouth would look unrecognizable. Since Josh had to keep his eyes closed, he couldn’t see the aftermath until later. Every time Tyler touched him, his eyes would blind him. They were so intense that sunglasses didn’t work. Tyler just wanted to be able to look him in his eyes while he pleasured him.

Josh still hadn’t allowed himself to cum yet, because he was scared of what would happen. Tyler respected it, even if he felt unsatisfied.

Tyler loved pain. He loved to just feel something , especially when he was stressed. Tyler knew it was bad to use Josh in that way. But it wasn’t really hurting anyone, that’s just what a lot of people used sex for. He never let it get too far, so there was no harm done. It wasn’t really self-harm, or any kind of harm. It was just sex.

Josh loved to use his heat powers on Tyler for good. The warmth was great at grounding him. Josh was like his own personal heated blanket when they cuddled.

Tyler came back to realize and looked back down at the piano. He leaned into Josh’s warm hand and sighed.

“Sorry.” Tyler lightly tapped the highest key on the piano a couple of times, “Let’s practice Forest first and do it a few times so Nick can get the hang of it.” 

“Thanks.” Nick said. 

Tyler knew Nick was suspicious of them. He was always making random comments on them, and giving them looks when they interacted with each other. It wasn’t like they were down each other's throats around other people. Josh was Tyler’s friend. He was close with all of his friends. 

---

“I don’t think we practiced much choreography.” Josh said as they walked into the venue.

“I’ll just wing it.” Tyler shrugged.

“Like you do with everything.” Nick rolled his eyes, “Bands go in from there.” he pointed to a backstage curtain. 

Josh picked up one of the flyers that someone was passing out, “Says here that we’re last.”

“The perfect opportunity to leave a lasting impression.” Tyler said.

“We’re going to have to really knock their socks off.” Josh said. Tyler laughed loudly at that joke and leaned against Josh’s shoulder as he laughed. Josh was unbelievably funny. Either that or Tyler was too in love. Both could be true.

“It wasn’t that funny.” Mark said. Tyler had invited Mark to professionally record their performance to put on their website. Tyler made a website for their band earlier that week. He figured it was time to lock-in and give their fans the opportunity to follow them. He made professional looking social media accounts for the band as well. He was getting ready in case good things happened that night.

“I swear, Tyler laughs like he’s never heard a joke before when Josh even breathes.” Nick said as he put his stuff down on the ground in their designated spot. 

“Josh is funny. What else can I say?” Tyler shrugged. He set his keyboard down. They each had to bring their own instruments. Tyler had to rent a van so that they could fit everything. He was going to have to save up money to actually buy a van if they were going to go do more shows. Only thing that they didn’t bring were Josh’s drums. They were able to borrow the venue’s drums because they couldn’t fit the set in the small van they had. 

After they set down their instruments in their designated spot, they went back and took their spots on the floor. 

Tyler began to pace back and forth after the first band started, ignoring the people moshing around him.  He was looking forward to enjoying the other bands play, but he let his nerves take the best of him. This was their first real performance outside of the church. He loved to perform, but this was going to be different. He wasn’t confined to being a good Christian church boy this time. He could let loose.

But that also scared him. He’d never done it before. What if people found him off putting? Some people at the church found his ticks uncomfortable. He couldn’t help them. When he performed, it was like the music flowed through his body and the only way to release it was through these stims. He’d flail his arms, shake his head, shake his whole body, and just let everything run loose. He had no control over it, and people were just going to have to get used to it. 

Josh had noticed something was up, “Are you doing okay?” He asked loud enough for Tyler to hear him, but quiet enough so only Tyler could hear. Nick and Mark paid no mind as they were watching the current band. 

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Tyler nodded. He stimmed for a brief second, “I just know how mad I’m going to be when we lose. This band is fantastic.” 

“Don’t talk like that.” Josh shook his head, “You have an amazing voice. And your lyrics are probably the best I’ve ever heard. And you’re so charismatic on stage. I think that’s enough to put us over the edge.” 

“These are metal and rock bands. I don’t think anyone’s going to vote for the songs we do.” Tyler stopped pacing. 

“Do you need to step away for a moment?” Josh asked. 

“Maybe. I want to listen to the other bands though.” Tyler shrugged. 

“I know that. You love all music. But maybe you need fresh air.” Josh took Tyler’s hand and led him through the crowd. Tyler defeatedly let him take him away. Maybe Josh was right. Tyler was getting too much into his own head. He let the brisk cold air slap him directly in the face as they made their way outside.

There were still a lot of people mingling outside. Josh glanced around until he found their van. 

“I have the keys.” Josh said and took them out, jingling them for a moment. He opened up the back and helped Tyler get inside. The blanket on the floor was thin and extremely uncomfortable. 

Tyler leaned against the wall of the van and took a couple deep breaths. Josh got in next to him and closed the door. 

Tyler shivered from the cold. It was only fifteen degrees out, and the van had no insulation. He turned to Josh, who was sitting cross-legged next to him. He scooted closer and rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. 

“Are you cold? You’re shivering.” Josh asked, turning his head down to look at Tyler. 

“I’m o-o-okay.” Tyler was shaking. It wasn't as much from nerves anymore as it was from the cold. 

“It was probably a bad idea to come out here, then.” 

“No. Warm me up.” Tyler shook his head. He got up and straddled Josh’s lap. He pressed his body weight against Josh’s chest as he put his hands on Tyler’s back. They were hot, but not scalding. Josh’s body was just warm enough to stop the shivering. 

“Your body is so cold.” Josh whispered, “I’m glad to be able to warm you all up.”

Tyler moaned at that, “Josh…” 

“That was not an invitation for sex.” Josh laughed out loud. Tyler laughed as well and pressed his face against Josh’s neck in embarrassment. 

“We have a concert to put on soon. I’m not risking accidentally cumming and making the whole venue lose power. Or having my eyes glow and not being able to stop it.” Josh moved his hand up to pet Tyler’s hair. 

“I know.” Tyler said sadly, “But you rubbing my back with your warm hand makes me feel a certain type of way.”

“How about this? If we win, we can all go out to a bar, and I can suck you off in the bathroom. That’s only if we win.” Josh hummed. 

Tyler perked his head up and looked at Josh, “Promise?” 

“Yes.” Josh pulled Tyler in for a kiss. They had gotten to the point where they could kiss without Josh’s eyes freaking out. 

They made out and held each other for a good chunk of time. It was enough to completely relax Tyler. He knew as soon as he went back into that venue that his nerves would start back up. 

“Want to go back in?” Josh asked. 

“I’m going to have to.” Tyler sighed, moving the hair from Josh’s eyes, “I have to face the cold outside. I don’t want to go outside.” 

“You’ll be warm once we’re on. Let’s go before we accidentally miss it. I’m sure Nick and Mark have already noticed that we’re gone.” Josh rubbed Tyler’s back one more time. Tyler sadly got off of him and opened the back of the van. The cold air stabbed his skin. Going from comfortable warm to impossibly freezing was hell. 

The band playing when they walked in was LOUD. The singer was passionately yelling into the microphone while the other three members were putting their entire souls into it. Josh and Tyler found Mark and Nick. 

“Where did you two go?” Nick shouted, “We’re on next!” 

“I had to pee!” Tyler announced, “I took too long so Josh went to find me. We got lost!” 

“Okay!” Nick shouted back. They were next? They couldn’t have been gone for that long. Tyler had no time to work himself up for it. They were going to have to go on stage to perform sooner than he wanted to. Maybe he wasn’t ready for this. Maybe he should have just stuck to performing at the church. Maybe he should just give up and keep his stupid office job and waste away with no real future. Maybe that would be for the best so he could avoid the heartbreak when their band lost momentum.

It was their turn. 

They didn’t take much time to set up. Maybe in due time if they ever did any more performances, they’d set up more than just their instruments. Tyler took a deep breath as he sat by his piano. 

“I just wanted to say how much of an honor it was to be invited here.” He said into the microphone and looked around at the crowd, “I’m going to play a few songs for you that I’ve written in the middle of the night. I’m here with my best friends Josh on the drums and Nick on the bass. I hope you enjoy.” 

He began the opening melody for Addict With A Pen.

Chapter Text

Tyler was born to be on stage. If Josh knew anything, it was that. The way his face lit up when he saw the crowd moving. It was different than when he performed at the church. No one there really cared. The people at the battle of the bands didn’t even know Tyler, and they were enthusiastic. Tyler perfectly worked with the crowd and made sure everyone felt involved. Josh couldn’t help but feel proud of him. 

Josh was surprised how much he enjoyed performing too. He would work off of Tyler’s energy. Sometimes Tyler would come over to him and sing after setting a loop on his keyboard. He’d lean on Josh’s drums, or give him daring looks. Their four songs felt like nothing. Josh could have played every single song that Tyler had written and not break a sweat. 

Tyler held Josh’s hand as they announced the winners. Third place got a gift card. Second place got five-hundred dollars. The winner got to open for Bleach Hair. Josh was hoping they’d win it all. Being able to perform in front of at least three hundred people would have been a very big confidence boost for Tyler. Josh had already noticed that he was in a much better mood after they got off stage. Josh squeezed Tyler’s hand back tightly. 

“Third place…White Hades!” The announcer said. There were lots of screams and celebrations coming from the crowd. The band got up on stage to accept their award, as well as stand for the rest of the announcements. Tyler squeezed Josh’s hand tighter. If Josh wasn’t some sort of otherworldly being, it would have hurt him. 

“Second place…Twenty One Pilots!” Tyler dropped Josh’s hand when he heard it. Josh couldn’t tell if Tyler was happy or upset. Josh was ecstatic about it. They were against eleven other bands. Second place for their first ever non-church show was insane. Josh also was not going to complain about the five hundred dollar prize. They could use that to buy actual touring equipment.

“Let’s go up!” Josh said excitedly. He grabbed Tyler’s hand again and the three of them walked up to accept their award. Tyler faked a grin as he accepted the award from the presenter. When the crowd started cheering enthusiastically for them, his smile became real. Tyler gave the crowd a silly thumbs up as they went to their positions on the stage. Josh was beaming from his ears. This was the first time he had ever won anything in his life that he could remember. 

“First Place! Birch Mind!” The announcer said. The crowd cheered even louder than for the other bands. It was a popularity contest voted on by the audience members. Birch Mind must have been popular among the crowd. Josh had never even heard of them. They got the second most amount of votes as a completely unknown band. That had to mean something. 

They received their cash in hand. Tyler held on to it tightly and proudly. Josh put an arm around Tyler. Nick didn’t seem to pay any mind to it either way. He seemed happy, but not as enthusiastic about it as Tyler and Josh. 

The leader of Birch Mind walked over to the trio once the crowd had died down and people began to leave.

“You guys were awesome.” He said, “We’re doing a party at Patrick's house after this for the bands. You guys need to come.”

“Yeah, okay.” Tyler nodded. 

“Awesome.” The guy said and walked away.

“Can you guys drop me off at home before you go to the party? I have to work on a paper that I have to finish by the end of break.” Nick sighed. 

Mark came up to the stage and joined them, “Hey, you guys were great. I got a lot of great videos that we can edit together and put on your website. This is going to be a great way to promote the band. I’ll have to show you guys once we get back home.”

“One of the other bands invited us to a party tonight.” Josh said.

“Really? It’s already eleven, don’t you guys have church in the morning?” Mark asked.

“That’s what I’m saying.” Nick said. The four of them started to make their way back out to the van. 

“We’ll be fine.” Josh looked at Tyler and almost laughed. Both of them never slept much anyway. Josh didn’t sleep at all. 

“It’s up to you. You two are like bats anyway. I get up to go pee and you’re always awake. They’re usually watching TV in the living room together. It’ll be three AM and they’re under a blanket together watching Cake Wars.”

“Cake Wars is very good.” Josh said.

“Didn’t say it wasn’t. Just that you two seem to never sleep.” Mark got in the driver's seat of the van. Tyler and Josh stayed back for a moment just to take a breather. 

A man sprinted towards them. Josh and Tyler both stopped in their tracks. 

“Hi!” The man exclaimed as he panted. He held his finger up to indicate to the boys that he needed a moment. Josh and Tyler stared blankly at him. 

“Hi.” Tyler said back. 

“I’m Leyroy. I run a venue downtown. Our Saturday night band just broke up literally twenty minutes ago. I was really impressed by your performance tonight. I wanted to see if you guys would be available to take their slot. It’s every Saturday at ten for an hour set. It pays 150 for every performance. It’s a club with a three hundred capacity. We specialize in live alternative music instead of a DJ.” The man explained. 

Josh and Tyler both gave him blank looks. 

“Yes.” Tyler answered for all three of them. Josh was thrilled, but wary. It seemed like a scam. There was no way this man wanted them in his venue after only hearing them once. 

“Great! I’ll take your number and I will text you the details. Where’s your bassist?” 

“He’s in the car” Tyler responded and pointed to their van, “he’s going to be thrilled. This is pretty awesome.” 

“I’m excited for you guys. I’ll be in touch.” The man walked away. 

Tyler looked at Josh. The drummer could tell by the look on his face that he was happy. He hadn’t seen Tyler this happy - ever. He loved their band more than anything. They walked back to the van and got in the back. 

“What was that about?” Mark asked. 

“We just got invited to play at a venue every Saturday. It pays one-fifty for an hour set.” Tyler beamed. 

“ Every Saturday night? We have church Sunday in the mornings.” Nick frowned. 

“So? We'll be back home by one the latest.” 

“One? That’s late.” Nick frowned, “I think if we’re going to swing it, we’ll have to skip church every now and then.” 

“I won’t need to. I don’t sleep anyway.” Tyler shrugged, “this is starting to get real. We need to get working on our album. I have so many ideas for it. We can get it recorded and get a bunch of CDs made that we can sell at this venue. I have a few songs written, but I can make more so we have a full CD.” 

Nick didn’t say anything else. Josh was silent as well, and he got away with holding Tyler’s hand in the backseat without the other two seeing. Tyler was squeezing it tightly the entire ride back. 

They dropped Nick and Mark off. Tyler kept the van with their stuff in it parked outside the apartment and took his actual car to the party.

“Are you going to avoid drinking tonight?” Josh asked Tyler as he helped him navigate to the guy’s house. 

“Probably not. I’ll have one or two.” Tyler shrugged, “does second place count as winning by the way?” 

“What do you mean?” Josh frowned, “I think second place is an amazing feat. We were against a bunch of locally popular bands and did better than most of them. Plus, we got money. That has to be something. We’ll have to enter more of these, and eventually we’ll get noticed more and more.”

“I mean, you said you’d suck me off if we won. Does second place count?” Tyler almost giggled.

Josh laughed out loud, “Oh!”

“I’m dead serious.” Tyler quickly glanced at Josh.

“I think so. Maybe just a less enthusiastic blowjob since we didn’t get first place.” Josh teased.

“We can do it at this party. I think we’d be able to hide ourselves enough to not cause a disruption. It depends on how big this house is. It’s still another five minutes away.” Tyler glanced at the navigation app that Josh was holding. 

“And if not, we’ll sneak back out to the car and do it there.” Josh said. He put his arm around his headrest as Tyler’s drove. 

“Never in my life would I think I’d be doing something like this.” Tyler said. 

“How so?” Josh asked. 

“You know. Sneaking around with someone. A man, for that matter.” Tyler shrugged, “Having sex before I was married. With a man. And performing with him, too. Life is kind of pretty good for me right now.”

Josh felt an uneasy pit in his stomach when he heard Tyler say his life was good. He should be happy that Tyler was happy, why did it make him feel dreadful. Why did he feel like he had to sabotage this?

“I’m glad to hear that. I’m happy to help.” Josh looked out the window. 

“I mean. It’s not perfect. There’s always going to be that lingering darkness. But I don’t think that will ever go away. It’s a lonely feeling, to know that no matter how many good things happen, there’s the voice telling me that it’s not worth all of this. I don’t deserve all of this. The boyfriend, the band. I’ve done too many bad things.” Tyler sighed, “But, you make it tolerable. I no longer actively beg to die. It’s just a voice that I can ignore now.” 

Josh felt weirdly better after hearing that. Something must have been wrong with him to feel relief that Tyler was suffering. He was so focused on his disturbing feelings about Tyler’s mental health that he glossed over another comment that shocked him. He couldn’t help but comment on only that.

“Boyfriend?” 

“I mean. We never talked about it. I just assumed…” Tyler’s face turned a bright red. He parked the car and looked at Josh with crossed arms. 

“I don’t know.” Josh looked back at him. 

“You don’t know?” Tyler frowned. 

“I don’t know what to tell you.” Josh opened his door and Tyler gripped his arm to stop him from leaving the car. 

“Well. What would you call us then?” Tyler asked, “since you’re so hesitant to call me your boyfriend. I thought you said you knew you were here for me. Does that mean nothing to you?”

“I just said I don’t know!” Josh exclaimed. Why was he so hesitant? Of course he wanted to be Tyler’s boyfriend. He wanted nothing more than to be able to claim Tyler as his own and let the whole world know. But the label came with the fear and baggage of a commitment. He didn’t want to fully be committed to Tyler. He couldn’t tell why. There was a pit in his stomach and could send him through the ground. 

“Am I just your friend you get to toss around? You get to use my kindness and my body for whatever you want? You get to use my apartment as a place to stay and my band as a thing to do? I get to offer my body to you and you just use me like that?” 

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Josh sighed, “You know for a fact it’s not like that, Tyler.” 

“Then what am I missing here?” Tyler tugged on Josh’s jacket. 

Josh sighed and pulled harshly on his jacket to get it out of Tyler’s grip. 

“Please.” Tyler pleaded and didn’t get out of the car. 

Josh walked over to Tyler’s side and opened the door, “All you need to know is I care about you a lot, Tyler. I’m not using you or anything. There’s a lot of baggage that comes with that label.”

“Okay.” Tyler said quietly. He turned his head to look up at Josh. Those eyes could have killed him. Josh should have gotten right on his knees and begged for forgiveness. He should have confessed his love and told Tyler he would never leave. But he didn’t. Josh just looked down at Tyler with a blank look on his face. 

Josh cupped his cheek and leaned down to steal a quick kiss. It was dark enough, no one would see them. Tyler didn’t kiss back. Josh straightened up and sighed. 

“Let’s go in.” Josh said.

“I need a second to collect myself.” Tyler said, “I’m not walking in after this. Go in without me.” 

“I’m not going to go in without you.” Josh shook his head. 

“Please. Give me a second. Just go in and I’ll come find you.” Tyler shook his head quickly. He shook his head so rapidly that Josh knew Tyler was having a meltdown. Tyler needed to stim a lot when he had big emotions. Josh didn’t want this. He should have just caved. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but he made it one. 

“Okay. If you’re not inside in twenty minutes I’m coming to check on you.” Josh patted his head and went inside. Maybe it was a bad idea to leave Tyler alone. But Josh was not going to do anything to help anyway. 

He was not outgoing enough to go inside a party by himself. He had never even been to a party like this before. There were a lot of people stuffed into one house. There were more drugs than Josh was aware of being used in the living room. People were making out all over the place. A bunch of guys were performing. All of them were people that he recognized from the concert. Josh felt his body heat up a bit. He had to make sure he didn’t touch anyone.

“Twenty One Pilots drummer!! Where’s your singer?” The guy who invited them slapped Josh’s back. 

“He’s just taking a minute.” Josh nodded. 

“Oh. Party pooper! There’s weed in the other room, drinks in the kitchen. People are in most rooms just hanging out. Help yourself.” He pointed at the rooms indicated. 

“Thanks.” Josh nodded. He went into the kitchen. He was going to need something very strong to even feel anything. After that conversation they just had, he needed to feel a bit less stressed. Josh felt so embarrassed that he walked in without Tyler.

There were a few people in the kitchen making drinks. None of them paid any mind to Josh. Except for one girl, who gasped when she saw him. 

“No way!” The woman ran over to him.

“Hi?” Josh smiled and poured a drink. Why did he get a weird familiar vibe from this woman? He knew her from somewhere, but not by her face. There was a familiar aura about her. She was probably just someone from the crowd.

“Tyler Joseph, right?” She asked. 

“No. I’m Josh. Tyler is the singer, I’m the drummer.” 

“Josh? No. I mean, your human is Tyler Joseph.” She laughed. 

“You could say that.” Josh felt his face heat up. How would she know something like that? 

“I can’t believe you went for him. A lot of us just ignored him cause he’s such a lost cause.” She shrugged, “I know you’ve been working on him for over a month. I have to say, you’re determined. I would have given up by now. I’m here with this super easy guy. I think he just needs a hot girl to pay attention to him for a few minutes to feel better about himself.” 

“Oh. Yeah.” Josh nodded. He wasn’t sure what she was talking about, so he played along. 

“I can imagine the big guy upstairs could be mad if you waste your time on someone like him.” She looked around to make sure no one was nearby. “But somehow, he doesn’t seem to care. Not that anyone really cares about you anyway. You’re pretty low level, so it’s not much of a loss if you’re down here for too long. Tyler Joseph is a bit of a waste, though. He is really a basket case. We can’t control who you choose or anything. That’s the beauty of the freedom of our job.”

Josh was more confused than ever. 

“Just maybe…be careful? Don't want to see you getting taken away from your project. I’ve heard of angels staying for over a year out of pure determination. So I think you’ve got plenty of time to do whatever dirty work you have to do. I think that you just need to be careful."

Josh must have misheard her. She mentioned angels. It solidified in Josh's brain that he had to be some sort of angel. This woman was too. 

"They say after a while, an angel’s light starts to become unstable. I wouldn’t want to see that happening to anyone. It’s painful. But you keep doing you, or whatever. I won’t say anything.” She put her hands up. 

Josh felt a throb in his heart. Why was he so scared of this woman? 

“No one pays attention to you anyway. You’ve always been a bit off your rockers. You took so much time to pick someone, and you’re just addicted to him. Tyler Joseph won’t last a few more years anyway. He’s still on that downward spiral and I don’t think even an angel as dedicated as you can fix that. I appreciate your dedication, though. Your band is pretty cool too. I wouldn’t mind if you kept him insane just to keep up with your band.”  

Josh furrowed his brows. He understood the angel part. But he wasn't sure how else this woman could have known such personal information. He didn't know how his species worked, so he pretended to understand. 

The comments about his relationship with Tyler was what had worried him. Josh worried that he was Tyler’s stalker before everything. That would make their relationship incredibly inappropriate. He was using Tyler for some kind of sick game. Josh was sick in the head if that’s what was happening. He couldn't help but allow his face to scrunch up at the uncomfortable thought. 

“You look confused.” She said, “Do...Do you know what I’m talking about?” 

“No.” He admitted. 

“Oh. Oh my. You really did get amnesia? I thought that was just a ploy to get Tyler Joseph to trust you. I didn’t even know something like that could happen to us.” She laughed. “Hold on.” She pressed two fingers to his forehead. 

Josh. 

Remembered. 

Everything.

Chapter Text

Tyler couldn’t find him. He walked into an overstimulating mess of a party. There were people doing just about everything in the living room. He was going to have to get used to this if he wanted to be in the music scene. He was a sheltered Christian boy for way too long. He needed his crutch. He needed his…whatever Josh was. Clearly, Josh was not his boyfriend. Josh didn’t want that. He just wanted something casual without any strings. He made that clear. 

Tyler couldn’t let himself overthink it or get too upset. He fought enough demons to overthink Josh not really wanting him. 

Tyler let himself space out as he searched throughout the place. A couple people came up to him to congratulate him and tell him how great he was. He genuinely appreciated the enthusiasm about his music. He was not used to it. The people at church barely cared about his music. Seeing strangers connect to him in such a way brought a warmth to his heart that he couldn’t explain. Tyler realized that music was at least one thing to live for. 

However, he couldn’t actually focus on their words. He was crashing out because he couldn’t find Josh. He was vulnerable and needed him. 

Tyler asked around to see if anyone had seen Josh. None of them said anything except one guy who said he saw Josh going into the kitchen to get a drink. Tyler searched for the kitchen and eventually found it. He was going to need a drink anyway after the conversation he had with Josh earlier. 

Tyler saw Josh talking to a woman. She seemed more than invested in him. He opened the door and stood next to Josh quietly.

Josh looked at him with nothing but fear. He normally had a soft face whenever he looked at Tyler, but he was a deer in the headlights as he walked up.

“What’s going on here?” Tyler asked. 

“Nothing.” Josh said quickly and shook his head. 

“Big fan of yours.” The woman smiled, “Your band rocked. I was just telling Josh this.” She put emphasis on his name for some reason.

“Cool.” Tyler looked at Josh, who avoided his gaze. He must have been either struggling with accepting Tyler as his boyfriend, or doing something with this woman that he should not have. 

The girl seemed to be happy with his apathetic answer, “Oh, you are just so cute. I need to get going. Good to see you, Josh. Glad I could have been of assistance.” She left the room. 

“What was that about?” Tyler asked, making himself a random mixed drink. He wasnt going to let himself have too much. He wasn’t so worried about drunkenly kissing a man anymore. He didn’t want to get too drunk so that the idea of consent was dubious. He wanted to enjoy anything they’d do, if Tyler felt like it. He wasn’t happy with Josh at the moment so he wasn’t sure he even wanted to look at him. 

“She was just a big fan of yours.” Josh said, turning to face the alcohol on the counter instead of looking at him. He hadn’t even looked at Tyler since he first walked in. 

“Did you mess around with her?” Tyler asked.

“What?” Josh finally looked at him with disgust.

“You heard me.” Tyler took a sip of his drink. It was pretty bad, but it worked. 

“I didn’t do anything with her, if that’s what you’re asking.” Something about Josh’s stance changed. His face… It looked different to Tyler in a way he couldn’t explain. It was like a different person was possessing Josh’s body. He wondered if it was just the alcohol Josh already had making him seem different.

Josh grabbed a bottle and chugged about half of it. 

Tyler laughed at that, “We’re going to have one of those kinds of nights?” 

“Yup.” Josh glanced at him. His eyes spoke for him but Tyler didn’t understand the language.  

“About earlier…” It was Tyler’s turn to refuse to look at him.

“We don’t have to talk about it.” Josh said.

“I want to. I didn’t mean to pressure you about putting a label on us.” he took a few more sips, “I just fall hard. I have big emotions that I don’t know how to handle. I have to respect that you might not be ready for that. I’m a lot. I’m difficult to deal with, and I get too attached.”

“No. You’re fine. I’m well aware of who you are, Tyler. It doesn’t bother me.” Josh took a deep breath. 

“I don’t think you know what you have in store, Josh. I wouldn’t want to be with me, either. You still barely know me.” Tyler finished his first drink faster than he should and grabbed a second one. 

“I know. I’m ready to take it on. It’s not hard work if it’s you. I’m just…it’s me. I don’t think I want to put myself into a label just yet.” Josh took a deep breath. 

“Okay.” 

“You’re fine, Tyler. I am not worried about not being able to handle you.” Josh took Tyler’s hand. They still weren’t looking at each other. They had their eyes on the wall with their other hands on the counter. Just Josh’s touch was enough to make him melt. He forgot about any problems they had when his hand was in Josh’s. 

“You don’t mean that.” Tyler shook his head. He yanked his hand away when he heard someone come in to grab a drink.
“Oh hey. Twenty One Pilots guys.” The woman said and grabbed a beer from the fridge. 

“Hey.” Tyler said. Josh turned around so he was leaning his ass on the counter.

“I think you guys are really hot, by the way.” She opened her beer. 

“Thanks.” Josh smiled. 

“Yeah, thanks.” Tyler nodded, feeling the twang of jealousy that Josh accepted the compliment so quickly. 

“I liked your woodsy song. Forest was it? I like how quirked up you got when you performed it.” Tyler wasn’t sure if that was an actual compliment or if she was making fun of him. 

“I like that one too.” Josh smiled, “our bassist didn’t want to play it, but we convinced him to.” 

“It’s a good thing you did. That song was really cool. I wouldn’t mind seeing your forest.” She slurred. She was too drunk and it made Tyler pretty uncomfortable. He understood that people were like that with musicians, but she was being too forward. Tyler and Josh both stood still and didn’t respond to what she had said.

“Oh. You guys are gay. That makes sense now.” She looked the two up and down and nodded to herself. 

“No? That’s not it. I’m just not interested.”  Tyler shook his head.

“Well…” She laughed, “I saw the way you moved on stage. Definitely gay.” 

“The way someone moves when they perform is gay now?” Josh asked. 

“If it’s the way he was moving, yeah. But that’s okay. Gay is super cool and hot with me. I’d watch you two do it.” She chugged her beer and then walked away without letting them respond. 

Tyler took a breath of relief when she left. She was a good median between the fight they were having. They duo laughed with each other once she left. 

“What the hell was that about?” Josh laughed louder. Tyler laughed harder to match Josh’s energy. He wanted to kiss him again. 

“I’m pretty tispy already. We should probably show our faces at this party more instead of hiding in a kitchen.” Tyler took one more sip of his drink, “We can just pretend we never talked. I don’t want to fight with you.”

Tyler made himself one last drink that he could bring along with him throughout the party. He already knew he had one too many to drive later. 

“I don’t think we were really fighting. I think it’s just a conversation we needed to have.” Josh placed a kiss on Tyler’s cheek. Tyler disagreed with what Josh said, but dropped it. 

“Yeah, okay.” 

The pair left the kitchen and forced themselves to mingle and make connections in the groups of people. Tyler just avoided the hard drugs and the people making out in the middle of rooms. 

It sucked to him that he couldn’t just go makeout with Josh in front of other people. But he didn’t want anyone to know about them. He wasn’t ready for it. He never would be. The scrutiny, the judgemental looks, and the hatred was enough for him to keep his mouth shut. He couldn’t do that to Josh either. He couldn’t risk losing him over the fact his congregation might disown them. These things were important to Tyler. He could have his cake and eat it, right?

Tyler got more numbers than he could have counted while they socialized. They were mainly music related connections. If he could befriend a lot of bands, it would give him more of a chance to branch out. One of them had to know music labels. They all had to have advice on making albums. Tyler wanted to leave no stone unturned. He had never felt so motivated with his music in his life.

Tyler wanted their first album to be special. He technically already had an album. But Tyler didn’t really want No Phun Intended to be seen by anyone. He did it while he was in high school. It was just a way for him to vent about his life.

The songs he made with Chris and Nick were enough to make an album. But he lost his chances with that one when he lost Chris. The idea of that album was out of his brain. He was going to use his new songs first. His songs that he’s written with Josh around. None of those were about him. He couldn’t risk any of the songs about Josh being out there in the open. But these are ones he had Josh around for. That had to be something special. 

—-

Both men had a couple drinks in them. For Josh, it was a couple bottles. He was some otherworldly being, so he needed more. Tyler was a lightweight, so three drinks made him loose. He wasn’t far gone, but just drunk enough that he didn’t hide his lust for Josh as well as he should have. 

They were upstairs in some random bedroom with the lead singers of a couple of the other bands. They were talking about something. Tyler couldn’t pay attention because all he was doing was staring at Josh. He was talking to someone about something. Tyler just watched his lips with his own lips open. 

Josh was a mountain and Tyler needed to climb it. 

“Are you good, Tyler?” A random guy asked.

Tyler looked up, “huh?” 

“You look so lost in the sauce.” The guy laughed. 

Josh laughed, “Yeah. I think he needs to go lay down.” 

“I’m sure he’s fine. He’s going to be a rockstar one day, he should get used to that feeling. There isn’t a day where I’m not at these parties after a show.” The guy said, “And I can imagine this kid going far.” 

“He doesn’t drink much.” Josh said.

“I can tell. He looks like he’s about to try to fuck one of us.” Someone else laughed, “Mostly you, Josh.” 

“Yeah. He loved to stare into space when he’s drunk. That’s just what he’s like.” Josh shrugged. 

“Yeah. I’d definitely fuck Josh the most out of all of you, no offense.” Tyler smirked, “Have you seen his arms?”

The guys in the room laughed, “This guy is something else,” one of them said. 

Josh sighed. ”Is there an empty room or something that I can bring him to? He needs some time to sober up before we can drive home. I don’t think either of us are sober enough to drive home for a while.” 

“There’s nowhere that he can be alone, if that’s what you need. The place is pretty packed. I can get Carl to drive you guys home, you’d just have to have someone drive you to get your car in the morning.” The guy offered.

“That would be great.” Josh nodded. Tyler still couldn’t stop staring at Josh. He needed him so bad. He needed Josh to hold him and remind him that they may not be boyfriends, but Tyler was his . He wanted to feel his warm lips and his arms. Maybe more than that. He wanted Josh’s cock inside of him. He needed that feeling of being torn apart just to feel reminded that at least Josh cared about him. 

Tyler was still feeling too vulnerable after everything that happened that day. 

They were silent on the car ride home. Josh sat in the front seat, and Tyler was by himself in the back. He stared at the lights and the night sky as they flew by him. There was the moon, his second favorite thing. Josh was his favorite by far. 

“This is us.” Josh said and pointed to their apartment. The van they rented was still sitting out front. They got out and waved at the person who dropped them off once he drove away. The pair stood on the sidewalk right outside their apartment for a moment. 

“That was nice of him to drive us.” Tyler nodded.

“Yeah. We can just walk to church tomorrow and then take a longer walk to get your car.”

“That works for me. It’s two AM, you know.” 

“Yeah. So maybe I meant later today, not tomorrow.” 

“Yeah…” They stood there awkwardly. Tyler  grabbed Josh and kissed him. Josh seemed a bit startled, but he kissed back. Josh put his hand on Tyler’s back and pushed him closer. 

Tyler pulled away, “Mark has to be knocked out up there. Let’s go to my room.” He stared at Josh’s lips and ran a hand down his chest. He was feeling more needy and vulnerable by the second. 

“Are you sure? You should try to get some sleep.” Josh rubbed his back, “You have to be up at seven.” 

“I’m sure. I really don’t care..” Tyler nodded, “You made me a promise that you couldn’t deliver at the party.”

Josh laughed, “You’re right.” 

They quietly made their way upstairs and into Tyler’s room. The room was not very soundproof, and it was connected to Mark’s room. They tried not to be sexual in Tyler’s room because of that. Lately they would just go into Tyler’s car. They had the van, sure. But Mark had the keys. 

“Josh.” Tyler said quietly as he lay down in his bed. Josh stood at the edge. He stared at Tyler in the eyes as he pulled his shirt off. Tyler did the same. Josh made his way on the bed and got on top of Tyler. 

“Tyler.” Josh said back. He spread Tyler’s legs and got between them, yanking him up so he was practically on his lap. Tyler looked up at Josh with beady eyes. He still felt nervous every time they got intimate. Josh seemed to know exactly what he was doing, and Tyler was still new to it. 

They had only touched each other a couple times by now. Tyler needed them to go all the way so badly. He wanted to feel Josh inside of him; he wanted the connection two people could only feel during sex. But when he was honest with himself, he knew he wasn’t ready just yet.   

Even now, Josh showed more confidence than ever. Maybe Josh was drunk, but his movements felt different. His body wasn’t as nervously hot. He took control of Tyler without thinking anything of it. There was a certain different type of yearning with the way he touched him. Tyler bent to his will, because he wanted to. He was Josh’s human. Josh was his…whatever he was. 

“Christmas is coming up.” Tyler said, “Four days.” 

“Yeah?” Josh laughed. He leaned down and pressed a couple kisses to Tyler’s neck. 

“We’ve got the pageant Tuesday night. Service Wednesday morning. And then dinner at my parent’s house at night. Mark is going to be going to his parents a few towns over for both nights.” He said quietly. 

“So what you’re saying is…” 

“We’ll be alone for two days.” 

“Perfect.” Josh said and sucked on the crease of his neck. Tyler shuttered and wrapped his legs around Josh. 

Josh moved to Tyler’s lips and began to grind against him. Tyler let out a higher pitched moan than he was expecting. He was still pretty tipsy, so he wasn’t able to hold his noises as much. 

“Shhh.” Josh said against his lips, “Be a good quiet boy for me if you want me to touch you.” 

“Yes. Sorry.” Tyler nodded and tried to hold his moan as Josh continued to grind their hips together. The shots of pleasure being waved through his body were intense. Tyler was feeling insane and manic over this. Josh dug his hips harder against Tyler. Their clothed cocks rubbing against each other hurt in the best way possible. 

“Mmm. Josh…” Tyler moaned. 

“Didn’t I just tell you to stay quiet? Do you want to wake Mark up?” Josh whispered in his ear. His movements got slightly harsher and Tyler moaned again. He needed their clothes off now. 

Josh stopped grinding against him to slide his hand down and unbutton Tyler’s pants. He pulled them off as well as his own. He looked Tyler up and down as he slid their boxers off as well. Both of them were hard. Tyler’s mouth drooled as he looked down at Josh. 

They had never been fully naked with each other before. Tyler felt exposed. He felt his face heat up despite his attempts to control it. He traced Josh’s features with his eyes to distract himself from his self consciousness. 

“Are you okay?” Josh asked after putting his hand on Tyler’s chest. 

Tyler nodded, “D-do I seem like I’m not okay?” He asked. 

“Your heart is racing. We can stop if you want to.” Josh said softly. 

“No. No. This is just the first time we’ve been naked together. It’s always shirt on, dick out, just enough so that we can touch it. So I feel a little exposed.” 

“Oh.” Josh nodded. He readjusted them and pressed their cocks together. He wrapped his hand around both of them and started to stroke. Tyler accidentally let out another moan and bucked his hips up. 

“You can be vulnerable with me, Tyler. I promise I will take care of you. I think you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.” Josh moaned softly as well. Josh’s body wasn’t feeling as warm as it usually did when they were messing around. Even when he could “control it” better, his body still heated up a fair amount. But this time, it was a normal body heat.

“Josh.” Tyler breathed. 

“Tyler.” Josh moaned back as he stroked them together. Josh’s cock was bigger than his. Not by much, but enough for it to be noticeable once their cocks were pressed together. Tyler stared at the way their cocks moved with each other whenever he moved his hips. They both glistened in the moonlight from the precum. He couldn’t keep his eyes off of the way their bodies melded together. 

Tyler didn’t care anymore that he was completely naked. All he cared about was the jolts of pleasure. He wanted to see Josh cum. He wanted to feel it. To taste it. To bathe in it. But Josh was still “too scared” that something would happen. 

Josh took his hand and cock away after a few moments. Tyler whined in disapproval. Josh backed away from him and got on his knees at the edge of the bed. He grabbed Tyler’s legs and pulled him down. Tyler wasted no time gripping his hair as Josh took him in his mouth. 

Josh sucking off Tyler was a normal occurrence. It happened every time they had time to do this. Tyler still hadn’t put his mouth back on Josh since the last time. He didn’t enjoy that at all, even though he didn't mind the pain. But his body kept instinctively moving away, so he couldn’t enjoy it. He wondered if he would be able to do it now since Josh somehow figured out a better way to control it. 

Tyler moaned and leaned his head back. He glared up at the ceiling and traced the patterns of the textured plaster ceiling. His head was spinning. The intoxication in his body was giving him more pleasure but also distracting him. He couldn’t control his mouth as much as he wanted to. If Mark was awake, he would have been hearing a concert. 

“Josh. Josh. Josh. Fuck.” Tyler whined, “Fuck. Please. Please. Please. ” 

Josh hummed on Tyler’s cock as he bobbed his head up and down. Josh gripped Tyler’s hips and dug his nails into his skin. Tyler winced at the sudden jolt of pain but he liked it. He wanted Josh to be rough with him. He wanted to feel the blood trickle down his hips as he was getting his cock sucked. 

Josh opened his eyes and looked at Tyler. He was going crazy. Tyler felt like he was going to feel his flesh leave his skin. He was going to melt away and merge himself into Josh. He needed whatever Josh was to enter his body and take him over. Let Tyler become Josh’s vessel so they could be one whole person. 

Josh pulled up, “You good?” 

“Yeah?”

“You’ve been staring at me dead in the eyes. You haven’t made any noise in a second.” 

“Keep going, please.” Tyler gripped Josh’s curls. 

“Are you…”

“Yes. I’m sure. Damn, stop asking and finish me off already.” Tyler laughed. He just kept getting too lost in thought thinking about how much he loved Josh. He was always pissing Tyler off, or saying things he shouldn’t have. But Tyler just couldn’t help but look into those inhuman eyes and want them to be the first thing he saw every morning. 

Josh put Tyler back in his mouth. Tyler moaned again and leaned his head back. If he kept looking at Josh, he’d continue to get distracted by his feelings. He couldn’t keep feeling this way. 

Josh didn’t want him like that. He could never tell Josh that he loved him. He didn’t want to drive him away when it was the only thing Tyler was holding on to. 

It wasn’t long before Tyler had finished into Josh’s mouth. He kept his head down on Tyler’s cock for a moment. Tyler could still feel his tongue swirling around him. He was doing it on purpose to overstimulate Tyler. It was evil. It felt so good. Tyler bucked his hips up one more time before begging Josh to stop. 

Josh pulled his head up and smiled. 

He moved back so that he was between Tyler’s legs again. He kissed Tyler hard. Tyler wanted to tell him he loved him. He wanted to remind Josh that he meant everything to him. But he stayed silent. He kissed Josh like it was all he had left to do. 

Josh pulled away from the kiss and smiled down at him. It was dark, and the moonlight illuminated Josh’s face. 

“Can I please touch you?” Tyler begged, “I know you’re still hard. Please. Please. Please .” 

“No.” Josh shook his head, “I don’t know what happens when I-“ 

“Josh, I don't care. Let the whole town blow up. I want to see you cum.” Tyler shook his head, “please.” 

“I said no, Tyler.” Josh pressed his body harder on Tyler. He warmed it up just like Tyler liked before bed. 

Tyler looked into Josh’s eyes with nothing but love. How could he stay mad at him when he looked at Tyler like that?

“You’re an angel.” Tyler said to Josh. 

“Wh-“ Josh froze. 

“Not literally. But you’re so good to me, like an angel.” Tyler wrapped his legs around him again, almost on instinct. He just wanted to pull Josh as close as he could, and not let go. 

“Oh.” Josh smiled at him, “Maybe I am an actual angel.” 

“You could be. Angels are practically scary beams of light that can show themselves in human form.” Tyler said. He could still feel Josh’s hard cock against his leg as they cuddled. Tyler tried to ignore it, because if he focused on it, he’d get hard again too. 

“Maybe I am.” Josh pressed a kiss to Tyler’s neck, “Get some sleep.” 

“Will you stay here with me?” Tyler asked. 

“Of course.”

“Hold me while I fall asleep.”

“I will.” Josh kissed his lips one more time.

Chapter Text

He was staring directly ahead as he sat on his bed. Tyler was overwhelmed. So much had happened in the past week that he wasn’t sure how to comprehend it. 

Mark had uploaded a couple videos from their battle of the bands to YouTube and their website. They gained followers, and received over ten thousand views, which were more views than Tyler could have ever dreamed of. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to make Tyler feel dissociated from it. 

It was Christmas Eve. Their church had a pageant going on that night. He was performing a few songs. And then the next day, he had to spend the entire day with his family. The only reason he was still sane was because Josh would be with him. 

“Are you ready?” Josh asked. 

“Yes.” Tyler nodded. He was wearing a suit. He had bought one for Josh and Nick as well so they could be matching for the pageant. 

Josh grabbed him by the jacket and pulled him in for a kiss. Tyler put his hand on Josh’s back as he returned the kiss. They were already running late, and this was going to make it worse. 

Tyler laughed into the kiss and pulled away, “We need to leave.” 

“Do we?” Josh fixed Tyler’s jacket after messing it up. 

“Yes, we do. Can’t avoid a performance anymore. Mark is going to record it too.” Tyler smiled. 

“You really love this band, don’t you?” Josh smiled. 

“I do. I’m glad I get to share it with you and Nick. It means everything to me.” Tyler put his shoes on, “I hope that one day we can quit our jobs and do this for real.” 

“I hope so too.” Josh nodded. 

They arrived at the pageant a few minutes early. It wasn’t early enough for them to properly set up, but enough that they would just make it. The kids were piling in to start their performance. Parents were sitting in pews. Tyler even recognized some faces from the party the other night. Were people really showing up to this small church pageant just to see them? 

“We’ve never had this many people here before.” Pastor walked over to Tyler’s piano.

“It’s because we have a few outside people here.” Tyler said to him.

“Well, maybe we’ll gain more members if your band gets any bigger.” Pastor smiled and walked away.

“Hey.” Nick walked up to the pair with his violin that Tyler asked him to bring instead of his bass. It was nice to have a bandmate that could play multiple instruments. Tyler beamed when he saw that Nick was wearing the suit he bought him. Their band must have looked so good dressed in matching outside. 

“What’s up, dude?” Tyler said.

“You know. Here for the pageant.” Nick seemed pretty apathetic. Tyler didn’t think much of it, Nick was just like that sometimes. Nick and Josh went to sit down at the pews, since most of the pageant was piano only. Tyler was performing the piano for the play the kids were putting on. He did this every year since he learned how to play piano. 

Tyler still kept his eyes on Josh whenever he could. He saw the content look in his eyes as he could occasionally match the beat on his lap. It didn’t seem intentional, but Josh was a natural that he played the drums even when he wasn’t. He always had a natural rhythm. 

Maybe Josh was an alien from a drum playing society and that’s why he was so naturally good at it. 

Tyler couldn’t let himself get distracted, even if he knew all these songs like the back of his hand. He was nervous about the song he would perform with his band afterwards. It was another song for Josh, even if it was well hidden. There were many songs about Josh that would never see the light of day, even to him. He would use his notebook Josh got him as a way to jot down his feelings, and then he would immediately burn them. 

Tyler looked away from Josh when he realized his face was starting to heat up when he thought about the songs. He couldn’t let people around him see him look at Josh like that. 

He hadn’t shown the song he was performing to Josh yet. All he did was show him the general beat he wanted and the basic piano melody. He wanted to surprise Josh the day of like he did for Air Catcher. Nick knew everything about it. Tyler just told him it was for a girl he had met a while ago. 

There were two meanings to the song either way. Tyler never tried to make his songs simply about a person. He had been struggling with his religion lately as well, so he had to add elements of that in there as well. 

“Wonderful as always, guys.” The pastor announced once the play was over. He gave a sermon to the crowd before encouraging the men to come up to perform. 

They all took their position. Not many of Tyler’s new songs were church appropriate, or were ones he had shown to the other two. They went with Forest and Johnny Boy. 

“This next song is one I wrote about someone special at one point in my life. She came to me a while ago and there were a few times we went on walks together. It inspired me to write about it. There’s a lot of other meanings to this song, but that’s just about every song I write.” Tyler said, his mouth close to the mic. He tried very hard not to look at Josh when he said this. He did steal a quick glance to see Josh’s confused face. He’d have to explain it to him later. 

“This one is called Oh Ms. Believer.”

Tyler started to sing right away. He hoped that Josh would not take the song the wrong way. Tyler couldn’t help but look at Josh’s face as they performed. He still seemed confused, but just happy to be involved in the music. They still had this insane connection whenever they played music together. Nick was involved and was very helpful to adding a much needed balance to their band. But he didn’t have the emotional and physical connection that Tyler shared with Josh. 

The crowd cheered for their last song. The service was over and everyone made their way outside to say their goodbyes before they would have to be back for the morning service. A couple crowds were talking while shivering. It was snowing; fitting for Christmas eve. 

Nick had left without saying goodbye to anyone. 

Everyone but Josh had condensation clouds coming from their mouths as they spoke. Of course Tyler would notice that, because he noticed everything about Josh. He was glad that Josh seemed to readjust to be like himself again, even if Tyler still had a shaking feeling something was off. He wondered if Josh was feeling uncomfortable with Tyler’s frustration at him. 

“We got a lot of great shots tonight, guys. I’m going to edit these so we can post them tomorrow for Christmas. I didn’t know you had a girl, Tyler. You’ve never brought anyone around.” Mark said, catching up to Tyler and Josh outside.

“She was just a metaphorical girl. I don’t think the average crowd would have understood that.” Tyler shrugged.

“Of course it’s a metaphorical girl.” Mark laughed.

“I bet it was about his girlfriend, Josh.” Zack butted into their conversation.

Tyler and Josh both groaned out loud at that. 

“What’s with this random, consistent homophobia, Zack. Trying to hide something?” Mark asked, half serious. 

“No. I just like to bust Tyler’s balls.” Zack put an arm around Tyler, “He’s my brother. It’s my job to be an ass to him. By the way, Ty, I’m sleeping over tonight. But you know that, because I sleep over every Christmas eve.” 

Tyler felt his stomach drop. 

He forgot. 

Josh’s face dropped for a second but he picked it back up with a smile, “That’s so cool! I like that you guys have traditions.” 

“Yeah. I’m sure you’re coming over tomorrow night too, right Josh? You’re basically the fifth sibling at this point.” Zack said.

“Yeah. I am. Your mom likes me enough.” Josh nodded.

“Mom probably likes you more than Zack.” Tyler teased. Zack shoved him hard and laughed.

“I don’t think he’s wrong.” Mark shrugged. 

“Whatever. Mark, are you going to be there too?” Zack asked.

“No, I’m staying with my family for the next few days. They live pretty far away, so I’m driving there tonight so I can get there on time to sleep.” Mark shook his head. 

“Hey, kids. We’ll see you here in the morning. We’re going to go home.” Tyler’s mom came over to their group and rubbed Tyler’s back. 

“See you in the morning.” Tyler nodded. The groups disbursed and the trio started to walk back to Tyler’s apartment. 

“What are we doing tonight? Getting super drunk and playing Pokémon?” Zack asked.

“I’d be down for that, except for the drinking.” Tyler shook his head.
“Why? Did you get too sick last time? I thought you were over your fear of drinking again.” 

“I just don’t want to get too drunk tonight. I’ll probably have a beer or two.” Tyler shrugged. He was not about to get drunk and try to dry hump Josh while his little brother was around. 

“Good enough for me.” Zack looked up at the sky, “I wrote that verse you asked me to do, by the way.” 

“Oh? Good.” Tyler smiled. His brother could be a lot sometimes, but he still loved him. He wanted his brother included in his music journey if he could. He was his brother after all. 

“I think Josh is going to have to sleep in my bed with me tonight.” Tyler said as he grabbed each of the three of them a beer from the fridge. He turned his Switch on.

“Gay.” Zack snickered, “But I appreciate that. I don’t want to sleep on your pullout couch with Josh. No offense, Josh.”

“None taken.” Josh shrugged. Tyler noticed Josh had been more quiet than he usually was. Tyler didn’t bring it up, because he was sure he knew why Josh was upset. 

Josh sipped his beer and watched Tyler and Zack play video games for most of the night. Tyler could tell by the look on his face that he was just spacing out the whole time. Josh was not as big of a video game person as Tyler was. He tried a few times to get him into it, but he was not that passionate. 

“I cannot believe Josh is not tired. I have not seen him yawn once. I know you don’t sleep, Ty. But Josh seems like a chronic sleeper to me.” Zack looked at Josh. It was two in the morning. Tyler felt guilty that they were up that late doing something Josh was not interested in. But he didn’t need to dedicate his entire life to Josh. He still needed to have hobbies on his own. 

“Josh probably sleeps less than me.” Tyler glanced back at him. Josh was sitting with his arms crossed and his face blank. Even with such a boring look on his face, Tyler still wanted to kiss it. He was four beers in, and he already knew that he was getting a loose tongue about Josh. 

“Yeah.” Josh looked at Tyler and then smiled. Tyler could melt into that smile. He knew Josh was probably just as frustrated with him that they weren’t able to spend the first night without Mark there alone. Or he was overthinking their conversation from three days ago. There couldn’t have been any other reason that Josh was too lost in thought. 

“I’m probably going to kick you guys out of here soon. I’m getting tired.” Zack yawned obnoxiously loudly. 

“Coward.” Tyler teased. He felt thankful that Zack was kicking them out. He was starting to feel flushed in the face every time he looked at Josh. 

“Listen. I can stay up, but I’m not clinically insane like you. We have church in the morning.” Zack stretched his legs out and physically kicked Tyler off the bed. He didn’t dare touch Josh with his legs.

Tyler laughed and stood up, “You’ve made your point, Zack. Come on, Josh. Let’s go snuggle for warmth in my cozy bed.” He teased.

Zack laughed, “ Gay!”  

“That was the point, idiot. Sorry you don’t have any friends that you can fake flirt with.” Tyler laughed.

“You were always doing that weird shit. You used to do that all the time in youth group. If he ever makes you uncomfortable, Josh, just tell me. I’ll beat the gay out of him.” Zack set up the bed on the couch and laid down. Tyler knew it was a joke but he didn’t find it funny. 

“I’ll let you know.” Josh nodded.

They got into Tyler’s room and closed the door.

“I’m so so so sorry.” Tyler said quietly to Josh.

“It’s completely fine.” Josh shrugged, “I knew that your brother comes over every Christmas eve. I think we both forgot because we were so dead set on spending time alone.”

“I don’t remember telling you that.” Tyler furrowed his brow.

“You did.” Josh insisted.

“I really did not. I forgot myself. So when would I have told you?” Tyler asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe Kelly told me. She’s always texting me about things.” Josh shrugged again.

“Weird.” Tyler shrugged. He stripped himself down to just boxers. He walked over to Josh and took his clothes off of him just to be a tease. 

“I wish it wasn’t your brother here.” Josh sighed and sat on the edge of Tyler’s bed.

“I know. I wish we were alone too.” Tyler got on Josh’s lap.

“If Mark was here, I’d be confident that he'd at least have his headphones in so we could talk without having to whisper. But I don’t feel like I can act like myself with you when your brother is around.” Josh admitted and ran his hands up Tyler’s back. 

“I get it. You just need to spend more time with him. He’s not homophobic or anything, I promise. He’s just a lot. He needs to mature a bit more.” Tyler put his head on Josh’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I wouldn’t be too sure about that.” Josh shook his head. He wrapped his arms around Tyler.

“I want to lay down and crawl all over you.” Tyler whispered, “I want to grind on you. I can already feel you through our boxers. You’ve probably been hard since I mentioned cuddling with you, you sick freak.”

“Don’t start talking like that. We’re not having sex tonight.” Josh shook his head as he tried o hold back a moan. Tyler sighed, knowing he was right. 

“Just a little kiss?” Tyler asked. 

“A kiss. But if I feel your tongue, I’m throwing you on the ground.” Josh smiled. Tyler laughed a bit louder than he should have and pressed their lips together. They kissed for a few moments, careful not to make it too sloppy. 

He got off of Josh after a moment. They were both hard and they both had to ignore it. 

Josh scooted off the bed and proceeded to lay down. Tyler appreciated that Josh would cuddle him on nights that they were in the same bed, even though he didn’t sleep at all. 

Tyler laid next to him and pressed himself against him. Tyler could feel Josh’s warm body underneath their blanket. 

“Thank you.” Tyler took a deep breath.

“For what?” Josh asked.

“For being here.”

“You’re welcome.” Josh pressed a kiss to his shoulder.

“That song tonight was about you, by the way. For the most part.” Tyler told him.

“I assumed as much. I think I would know if you had a girl in your life. If you did, you would not have openly sung about it. I’d be really upset if I found out you had someone else.” Josh pressed kisses up Tyler’s neck, making him shiver. 

“And yet you don’t want to be my boyfriend.”

“Not this again.” Josh sighed.

“I’m just kidding.” Tyler closed his eyes. He wasn’t kidding. He didn’t understand Josh’s stupid mentality about that. Why be exclusive to someone if you don’t want the label? What was the difference?

“Okay.” Josh dropped it. 

“Goodnight.” Tyler opened his eyes for a minute, “I’ve never slept so much as I have when I’m with you. I don’t even care if it’s because you knock me out.”

Josh laughed quietly, “I don’t do that often.”

“Not often is more than never.” Tyler closed his eyes again, “I love you.”

Josh was silent. He had nothing to say to that? He knew he was jumping the gun by saying he loved him. But he couldn’t hide it from Josh. They said no more secrets. Josh could have at least acknowledged it or told him it was too soon. 

But the silence was all Tyler needed to know that he probably should not have said anything. He was so stupid. Josh didn’t even want to be his boyfriend, so why would he love him? 

Why would he say anything when they were having such a good moment? He was an idiot. Such an idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. 

Tyler opened his eyes to argue. He saw the look of terror on Josh’s face as he pressed his fingers to Tyler’s head. Tyler was out like a light within seconds.

Chapter Text

Josh had left the bedroom and sat on the table in the kitchen. Why would Tyler say that to him? Tyler only knew him for a month and a half. They had only first kissed a week and a half ago. Was Josh really worth such a love confession so soon?

He knew Tyler for years. 

If anyone loved anyone, it was Josh. 

He didn’t want to hear how happy he made Tyler. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to feel successful in his mission and feel obligated to return to heaven.

He could just pretend that he wasn’t making Tyler happier. There was no one forcing him back. That other Angel said no one even cared about him. No one would notice. But he had that itching feeling that staying was wrong. Angels were supposed to return to heaven as soon as they felt they made an impact. They were obligated to. It was their job. 

Josh sighed to himself and faced forward. He wished he had never gotten his memories back. The past few days had been torture. 

He was fine being blissfully unaware of the world. He was thankful he could control his powers for the most part, but it came at the cost of being educated. The cost of really understanding and comprehending his feelings for Tyler. 

Josh had been ageless. He was thousands of years old. He was immortal. He had no memories but all the memories of everything that had existed. 

But Josh didn’t care about those. 

He only cared about Tyler . 

He could now remember the years of aching and yearning that came before dropping down. It made him feel gross. He shouldn’t be down here, messing around with Tyler like this. Angels should not be down here this long, let alone having sex and dating their human. It was unheard of, at least to Josh’s knowledge. He was in love. He was a broken angel.  He loved Tyler so much that it made him sick. 

Angels were not supposed to love. Not like this. 

Maybe there was a whole subset group of angels that just lived as humans on Earth. Maybe Josh wasn’t the only one who’s heart and light ached for the touch of a human.

Josh could only dream that he’d be that lucky. 

Josh teleported himself outside. He needed to go for a walk to clear his head. Tyler loved him. Tyler loved him?  

How could Tyler say that to him after he refused to call what they had official? In an effort to distance himself enough to not allow Tyler to become too attached, he made it worse. Josh wanted to ignore the voice telling him to hold back. He wanted to dive head first. He wanted all of Tyler. 

He could also just run away. Take it all away from Tyler before he was past the point of no return. If Josh had been aware of his truth, he would have never ever agreed to be part of his band. He wouldn’t have let Tyler kiss him. He wouldn’t have held him at night. He would have just pushed him in the right direction and been on his way. 

But Josh didn’t want that. He wanted Tyler to be his . He wanted Tyler to belong to him forever, no matter what it took. And that’s just what he was going to do, even if he had to be wiped from existence. 

What did Josh have left to lose?

 If he couldn’t have Tyler, he didn’t want to exist. 

He paced back and forth outside the apartment. He stopped at his lamppost and looked up into Tyler’s room. He wouldn’t be awake this time. But Josh remembered locking eyes that first day. He was glad Tyler remembered it too. 

Josh put his hand on the post and pressed his face on the cold metal. 

What was he going to do?

He struggled with his thoughts. His mind just could not stop racing. 

Tyler loved him. 

Josh got over himself after a few minutes and teleported himself back in Tyler’s room. He climbed into bed and pulled Tyler into himself. He pressed his face against Tyler’s neck and kept his body head at a warm temperature. Tyler’s body instinctively curled closer. 

Josh would cry if he could. He loved Tyler so much that it drove him mad. 

Tyler woke up to his alarm. Josh pressed the button to turn it. He groaned and looked up at Josh, “Morning.” He said dryly. 

“Good morning.” Josh smiled. 

“Did you force me to sleep last night?” Tyler asked. 

“Yup.” 

“After I told you I love you? Do you have anything to say to that?” 

“Not right now.“ 

“Of course you don’t.” Tyler sighed, “Merry Christmas, Josh.” 

“Merry Christmas, Tyler.” Josh pressed a kiss to Tyler’s forehead. Tyler turned his head away in disapproval. 

Tyler pointed to his phone. Josh grabbed it off the bedside table for him. Tyler checked his phone messages. He looked as though he had read the same message a million times before closing his phone. He placed it face down. Josh watched any remaining color drain from Tyler’s face. 

“What?” Josh asked. 

Tyler didn’t look back at Josh, “Nothing. I’m just tired. Let’s get up so we can get dressed. And then go to this morning service. I want the day to be over with. I’m going to take a shower.” He spoke in quick, short sentences. He got up and left the room without another word. He didn’t bring clothes with him or a towel. 

Josh walked out and into the living room. Zack must have set an alarm too, because he was sitting up on the couch. Josh genuinely forgot he was there. 

Josh was standing there in front of Zack with only boxers on. 

“Well. Good morning. Why is Tyler up slamming doors?” He asked. 

“I don’t know.” Josh shrugged. 

“And you both are barely wearing any clothes.” Zack raised an eyebrow. 

“It gets insanely hot in Tyler’s room. He likes the heat.” Josh sat on the couch. 

“He does look upset though. If Tyler’s upset, he’ll beeline to any room he needs to go in and slam the door. He gets weirder than usual when he’s upset.” 

“Maybe I should check on him.” Josh said. 

“Nah. He’ll freak at you if you do.” Zack said. Josh knew that. He knew everything about Tyler. But that didn’t change the fact that he wanted to know what was going on. Was Tyler really this upset that Josh didn’t return his feelings back to him? 

Of course he was. Tyler loved too hard. And Josh rejected him. 

It was harder to know what Tyler was thinking when he didn’t have constant eyes and ears on him like he did in Heaven. 

“Josh!?” Tyler yelled. 

Josh ran up to the bathroom door and opened it, “Yeah?”

“Can you get me my towel?” He asked in a deadpan voice. Josh could tell by the steam in the room that Tyler was using scalding water. He frowned. 

“Sure.” Josh grabbed Tyler a towel from his room. He entered the bathroom this time. 

“Just leave it on the counter.” Tyler turned the water off. 

“Okay.” Josh placed it on the counter but didn’t leave. He had gotten himself a towel too. 

Tyler got out of the shower. He saw that Josh was still there and blinked twice. He didn’t say anything and pressed his wet body against him. Josh wrapped his arms around him. 

“You need to be my sanity today.” Tyler said, “I don’t think I’ll survive today without you. You don’t have to love me. I shouldn’t ask that of you. But just be there for me?” He was crying softly. 

“Of course.” Josh pressed a kiss to Tyler’s forehead. 

Tyler didn’t say anything else and moved away to dry himself off, “you should probably go back out there so Zack isn’t weirded out.“

“No. I’m going to shower after you.” Josh took his own boxers off, “If I went out there drenched in water after you just showered, I would look insanely suspicious.” 

“Right.” Tyler wrapped the towel around himself and walked out. 

Josh didn’t take long in the shower. He just did it to save face. Zack had to be suspicious of them by now. There was no way two guys, friends or not, would do the things they did that morning. Sleeping in boxers together and comfortably going into the bathroom while the other showered was not something straight friends did. 

Zack was already ready by the time Josh walked out. They walked to the church together. It was freezing, and Josh wanted to hold Tyler’s hand. Tyler still didn’t look at either of them. He walked briskly steps ahead of them. His hands were shoved in his coat pocket and his hood was up. 

“Dude what did you do?”  Zack whispered to Josh.

He only shrugged in response. 

Tyler acted like that throughout the entirety of the Christmas service. He didn’t look anywhere except straight ahead. Josh pressed their legs together and managed to sneak the touch of their hands. Tyler started to shake. Josh heated his hand up and daringly grabbed Tyler’s hand. 

He leaned over to whisper, “It’s okay. If you need to talk, I’m here.”

Tyler shook his head and pulled his hand away. 

Tyler was silent on their ride to his parents as well. Zack and Jay both drove with them, so there was nowhere for Josh to talk to him about it. Tyler said he was fine with Josh, so why would he be so upset now?

Zack kept looking back at Josh as if he were the devil. 

Lunch went fine. Josh could tell Tyler was trying his best to keep up his social mask. Josh could see through the cracks of a flimsy mask he put over his face. There was still something off about him that Josh needed to get him alone to talk to him about it. 

“Time to do presents!” Kelly exclaimed. Josh had never had a Christmas gift exchange before. He didn’t get anyone anything except for Tyler. He was thankful no one else got him anything either, except for Tyler’s mom who gave him a gift card. 

He watched the family open their gifts and express their love to each other. Josh wished he had a family. The Angels didn’t count. None of them cared for each other. They were more like distant coworkers. 

Tyler’s family was his now, but it wasn’t the same. He surrounded his entire new life around this one man. What if Tyler got too frustrated with him and broke it off? Maybe he had that realization and that’s why he was being so cold. 

It was Josh’s turn to hand Tyler his gift. Tyler handed Josh his. 

Tyler inspected the box. It was a pretty insignificant gift. Josh wasn’t sure Tyler would even like it. It was such a small thing to get someone he was romantically involved in. He opened it and grinned at Josh. It was a plain black ski mask. 

It was the first real smile he had seen from Tyler all day. 

“I’m speechless about this.” Tyler said to Josh. The smile didn’t leave his face, “I don’t remember telling anyone that I wanted this. I haven’t bought one for myself, but I needed one. I have a lot of ideas about these that I haven’t really shared with anyone.” 

“I guess I just know you well enough.” Josh shrugged. 

“Right…” Tyler looked at him suspiciously. Was it something that Tyler never told him? It could have been something he mentioned before Josh actually came down. 

He remembered Tyler had an idea for using them while he performed. But all of Josh’s memories sometimes blended with each other, so he wasn’t sure if it was before he was on Earth or not. Tyler didn’t make any more comments, but he held it close to his heart. 

Josh opened Tyler’s gift. It was a pair of drummers gloves and two new sets of drumsticks. Josh had done his research, and he knew these were incredibly expensive. He patted Tyler’s leg, “Thank you. I can’t wait to use these for our show on Saturday.” 

Tyler’s face dropped at the mention of their show. No one else seemed to be paying attention to them, as they were opening their own gifts. 

“What’s wrong?” Josh asked, placing his new drumsticks next to him. 

“Nothing.” 

“I mentioned Saturday and you got quiet. Did they cancel on us?” Josh asked. Tyler shook his head. 

“Hey, Tyler. Did I hear Josh say you had a show this weekend?” Jay asked. 

“Yeah.” Tyler glanced over, his eyes getting glossier by the second. He was holding back tears. The cracks in his face were getting wider. 

“It’s at a club, though. Adults only.” Josh answered for Tyler, “It’s a rock club that plays live music. They’re going to have us play a thirty minute set every Saturday night.”

The whole family erupted in praise. They were all so genuinely excited to hear that their band booked a solid and steady gig. Tyler didn’t seem happy about it. If anything, hearing everyone happy for him made him tense up. He started to rub at the place where his scars would have been, which he only did when he was in a bad place. 

Josh frowned again, letting the sounds of Tyler’s family’s happiness be drowned away. What was going on?

Tyler stood up and ran to the basement without another word. 

“I’ll get it.” Josh sighed. 

“He’s been upset like this all morning. It’s a bit pathetic.” Zack said. 

“He’s usually sensitive on Christmas.” Tyler’s dad said, “He doesn’t like being around us,” 

“I don’t think that’s it. There’s something else bothering him.” Zack shook his head, “Maybe Josh upset him.” 

“I hope not.” Kelly frowned, “Tyler cries almost every Christmas, Josh. I wouldn’t take it too seriously.” 

“I think I’m the one that upset him.” Josh sighed, “I’ll handle it.” 

“If he needs to go home, let him know it’s okay.” Kelly said, “he always forces himself to stay and I don’t want him to think we’re making him stay here. We only care about how he feels.” 

“Okay.” Josh nodded. He walked to the basement door. It was locked. He put his ear up to the door and could hear the faintest crying and cursing. The basement was fairly soundproof, so there was no way anyone else was hearing it. Josh was thankful, because he knew how embarrassed Tyler was when he cried. 

He knew he shouldn’t have done it, since there were people around. But he wasn’t within eyeshot of anyone. He teleported himself down to the basement in front of Tyler’s piano. 

He was sitting at his piano, playing a soft melody. He seemed so angry, yet he was playing something almost haunting. It was just a few repeating notes, but the way they clashed against each other was so…beautiful. But the blank stare on Tyler’s crying face told the story. He was staring down at the notes he was playing; his face covered in tears. 

“Tyler.” Josh said softly. Tyler looked up and jumped so high that he almost fell off the bench. 

“Josh! What the fuck?!” If Tyler didn’t grip the piano, he would have fallen down. 

“Sorry! You locked the door.” 

“For a reason!” Tyler got up off the bench, “That’s an insane breach of privacy.” 

“You gave me no choice.” 

“I didn’t even know you could do that!” Tyler exclaimed. He wiped his face of snot and tears in embarrassment. 

“Yeah. What’s going on?” Josh asked. He stepped towards Tyler, who backed up a few feet. 

“Nothing.” 

“Nothing, my ass.” Josh shook his head, “I know you well enough to know that you’re lying to me.” 

Tyler let out another sob, “I look like such an idiot. I don’t want you to see me like this. I never want anyone to see me like this.” 

Josh walked another few steps toward him, “Tyler, I want to see every side of you. Just talk to me.”

Tyler stood in place and let Josh take his hands. He let out one more anguished noise and dropped his head down.  

“Nick is leaving the band.” 

“Oh.” Was all Josh could respond with. 

“I don’t know if we’re going to be able to put on a show without him.” He said blankly. Josh felt a similar way. He felt so defeated that he wasn’t sure what he could say to Tyler that would help. 

“I’m worried it’s over now.” Tyler backed himself up enough so that he could sit on one of the couches. After Tyler moved out, his parents renovated the basement to be a hangout spot, plus the piano. 

“I don’t think so, Tyler.” Josh shook his head, “We can make it work. You’re so amazing on stage that no one was looking at anyone but you, anyway. You’re the reason anyone even complimented us. Nick was important to the band. But you are the band, Tyler.” 

“I don’t know.” Tyler shook his head and put his head in his hands. 

Josh slowly rubbed his back with a warm hand. Tyler leaned into it. 

"You're the most talented person I know, Tyler. You've always been talented, and showing it to the world is what you were meant to do. You were born to perform. And I was born to play with you." Josh meant every word he said. 

“I…” Tyler shook his head a couple of times. He stimmed with his wrist as well, “I…”

“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let yourself be overwhelmed.” Josh said, “I can leave you alone if you really want me to.” He said, although they both knew he never actually would. 

“No. I don’t want that at all.” Tyler took his head away and looked at Josh, “Can you promise me?”

“Promise you what?” Josh asked.  

“You’ll never leave.” 

Josh wiped the tear forming in Tyler’s eye. 

“I mean the band.” Tyler corrected himself after a moment. 

Josh stared at him. He tried to articulate what he was going to say.  

“I don’t mind if you don’t love me. I would survive if you hated me. But I need you. I need you so badly to be by my side through this. Our band is everything to me. I need to know that if I fail, you’ll still be here.” Tyler said. Josh moved his hand to cup Tyler’s cheek. Tyler leaned into the warm touch. 

“I won’t. We’re in this together until the end, whether we fail or not.” Josh said. It was a lie. A terrible, horrible, evil lie that he knew he’d regret. 

Tyler smiled, “I do love you, Josh.” 

“I know you do.” Josh pressed a kiss to Tyler’s lip. Josh was too afraid to say it back. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t sure how he could say it without telling Tyler everything. Josh wasn’t sure he would ever tell Tyler, so long as he could help it. 

Tyler kissed back. Josh could taste the salty tears on his lips. The kiss wasn’t anything heated. It was a mutual love for each other that charged it, even if Tyler didn’t know it. Josh held on to it as if the his light depended on it. He was just a giant spark of light in a vessel that was made to love this man. 

Tyler started to deepen the kiss by opening his mouth more. 

Josh pulled away, “We should go back upstairs.” 

Tyler shook his head, “I don’t want them to see me. Not like this. I don’t want them to worry about me.” 

“Okay.” Josh nodded, “We can stay down here as long as you want. Or we can go home. Your mom told me to bring you home if needed.”

“I want to go home.” Tyler said immediately. 

“Okay.” Josh laughed. 

“I do not want to interact with anyone else but you. We can leave through the laundry room door that’s connected to here.” He pointed to a door. 

“You’re that desperate to leave without your gifts and without saying goodbye?” Josh asked. 

“Yes.” Tyler nodded, “I would’ve never come here if I had the option.” 

“Fair enough. I’ll text your mom that we left and we can go.” Josh kissed him. 

They were home within the next few minutes. Tyler still had that distant look in his eyes as he drove. He always did after he cried. Josh remembered times when he was watching Tyler where the look would stay on his face for an entire day if he was left alone. 

“Thank you.” Tyler said, “For coming downstairs to check on me, and for being in my life.”

“I just want to be there for you, like you were there for me. I’m happy you introduced me to music. I love our band, even if the others weren’t able to see how special it is.” Josh still wasn’t sure where his drumming skills came from. He wasn’t sure if it was just his connection to Tyler, or if angels were naturally good at everything. 

“I appreciate that.” Tyler nodded.

Tyler held his hand as they walked up to their apartment. 

“Can we put the one night we have alone to good use?” Tyler asked as they walked up the stairs. 

“Are you sure? You still seem pretty shaken up.” Josh said. 

“Of course I’m sure. I need a good distraction.” Tyler nodded. 

Josh didn’t answer with words. They got inside and he didn’t hesitate to shove Tyler against the door and kiss him. Tyler grabbed on to the back of Josh’s jacket and tore it off.

There wasn’t much time before all of their clothes were scattered on the floor throughout the kitchen. 

“I need you...” Tyler breathed against Josh’s lips. 

Josh moved them over to the kitchen and placed Tyler up on the counter. Their tongues danced as Josh wrapped his hand around Tyler’s cock, which had just begun to get hard. He sucked on Tyler’s neck as he jerked him off, feeling accomplished every time he heard Tyler moan. The rush of being able to touch each other never left. 

“We don’t have to be quiet.” Josh smirked, “We’re alone.” 

“Josh…” Tyler whined, “fuck me. I need to feel you inside me tonight.” 

“I will.” 

Tyler paused and even looked surprised, “You will?!”

“Yes.” Josh moved away from his neck and stopped his hand. Tyler’s face heated up as Josh looked at him. Josh rubbed the tip of the head for a second and then got back to his movements. 

“I never thought this day would come.” Tyler moaned again. 

“Oh yeah? How?” Josh asked as he went back to destroying Tyler’s neck. 

Tyler heated up slightly. Not in the way Josh would, but in the more human way. His face was turning red and his movements became more erratic.   

“Well. You always said you weren’t sure your body would ever be able to. I haven’t even been allowed to let you cum yet..” Tyler moaned. 

“I’ve been practicing for you.” Josh whispered in Tyler’s ear, “And Mark isn’t home. If I cum, I don’t care who knows. Let the whole city know.” 

Tyler shuttered, “I love you.” 

Josh ignored the comment and dropped to his knees so he could take Tyler’s cock in his mouth. He didn’t hesitate to start bobbing his head so he could drive Tyler crazy. He gasped, leaned his head back, and tugged on Josh’s curls. He swirled his tongue around Tyler’s shaft and grabbed his legs. He was worried Tyler would start to slip off the counter if he wasn’t careful. 

“Josh. Oh, you take such good care of me.” Tyler moaned. Josh hummed in response. 

“I’m so close. I’m…” Tyler bucked his hips up slightly into Josh’s mouth. Josh tightly gripped his thighs, digging his nails into his skin. He knew Tyler liked it when he did that. He knew Tyler loved it when he dug deep enough to draw blood.

Josh was aware he was still feeding into a bad habit. But he has no ability to stop himself in the moment. 

The blood from Tyler’s legs stained Josh’s fingernails. There was symbolism in there somewhere that Josh’s brain was too fogged up to think about. All he thought about was Tyler. 

Tyler started to thrust into Josh’s mouth and took control for once. Josh didn’t oppose and let his mouth become slack. A good thing about being an angel was he had no gag reflex, so Tyler could practically abuse his mouth. Tyler held Josh’s head still so he could fuck his throat. Tyler was messy with his thrusts as it was not something he was used to doing. 

“Fuck. Josh…” Tyler groaned again, “Love your mouth. Shit. I’m gonna…” Tyler panted. He allowed himself to buck up a couple more times before he climaxed into Josh’s mouth. 

Josh swallowed, wiped his mouth, and stood up. He kissed Tyler and pressed himself hard against him. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck and his legs around his waist. 

“I don’t want you to fuck me here.” Tyler said, “I want my first time to feel special. I want it on my bed so I can be comfortable.” 

“Of course.” Josh rubbed Tyler’s back, “I want this to be good for you. You deserve it after the day you’ve had today.” 

“Thank you.” Tyler turned his head so that Josh could mark him up again. He had already left too many marks on Tyler’s skin. But he was just going to heal them away anyway. 

Josh didn’t feel like having to walk all the way to Tyler’s room, so he transported them both there. 

Tyler jumped and shivered, “That felt so weird. Oh God, that felt so weird.” 

“Yeah. It’s weird to get used to. We’ll have to have more practice with it.” Josh pushed Tyler on to the bed. He backed up so he was leaning against the headboard. Josh admired him for a moment before getting into the bed. 

“I hope you know. After this first time, I don’t want you to be careful with me.” Tyler looked up at him. 

“Oh I don’t intend to be. This time is special. It’s the first time for both of us.” He ran his hand gently down Tyler’s arm. 

“Do we have lube?” Tyler asked. 

“Yes. I bought some the other day and put it in your bedside drawer in case we had a moment alone to do this.” 

“You’re so thoughtful.” Tyler smiled, “I can’t help but admit that I’m nervous. I know it’s going to hurt. I like pain, you know this. But this one feels like it’s going to be a hard pain.” 

“I’ll be gentle with you until you’re ready.” Josh went into the drawer and grabbed the lube, “and you’ll have to tell me if you want me to stop or slow down. And tell me when you think you’re ready for me to thrust once I’m in.” 

“Okay…” Tyler nodded. He was shaking slightly with both anticipation and nerves. 

“It’s okay, Tyler. I’m going to take care of you.” Josh spread his legs so he could properly position himself between them. Josh leaned down and pressed his body against Tyler. He let himself be warm. Not hot, but the calming warm that Tyler liked. He wrapped his arms around Josh. 

“I know. I don’t know why I’m so nervous.” 

“It’s because you’ve had a long day. There’s a lot on your mind. Let yourself just take it all in. It’s okay to feel.” Josh pressed soft kisses on Tyler’s neck, “I’m going to start to prep you now, okay?” 

“Yes.”

Josh sat up and grabbed the lube from beside Tyler. He put a generous amount on his fingers and spread it on Tyler’s hole. He shivered with the cold sensation. Josh warmed his hand up and slowly pressed a finger inside of him. 

“That feels weird.” 

“It’s going to.” Josh said as he slowly pumped it, “it’s all going to feel weird. And then it’s going to feel good. I assume. That’s what my research told me at least.”

“You did research?” Tyler smiled up at him. 

“Yeah. I wasn’t going to fuck you blindly. I actually care about how this will make you feel.” Josh pressed his finger in deeper, “I think it’s going to hurt a little since you haven’t done anything before. But I promise I will make you feel good.”

Tyler laughed, “I guess so. My pain does have one gain. I did some research too.” 

“Yeah.” Josh applied more lube to his fingers and pushed in a second one. He pumped them and tried to feel around for the spot that would make Tyler feel good. Tyler let out a soft moan. 

“I can take more. It doesn’t really hurt anymore, I think I’m getting used to it.” Tyler breathed. They did a few more minutes of prep until Tyler was ready. Josh didn’t want to take any chances, even if he was begging to go further. 

“Please. I’m ready Josh.” Tyler begged, “You've been teasing me too long.” 

Josh pulled his fingers out. He grabbed the lube and smothered it on his cock.

“No need for condoms. You’re not a human and you can heal so I don’t think you can get STDs.” Tyler laughed. 

Josh laughed in response, “Shut up.”

“I’m serious. This is my first time. If you were human, I’d be nervous. You don’t know who you were before being Josh. I don’t know what you could have. Or who you’ve been with.”

“I just know that none of that matters anymore. You and this band are who I’m with. Nothing else matters.” Josh took Tyler’s hand and pulled it up to kiss it. 

Tyler looked up at him with such vulnerability that it made Josh’s fake heart skip. He had been through so much that day. Best thing Josh could do was make this good for him. 

He kept Tyler’s hand in his as he lined himself up, “Feel free to squeeze my hand as hard as you can.” 

“I plan on it.” Tyler laughed nervously. 

Josh slowly pressed the head inside. Tyler winced and breathed heavily. He squeezed his eyes shut and squeezed Josh’s hand even harder. 

“You’re doing so good. You’re taking me so well.” Josh said softly, pushing in more. He gave brief periods for Tyler to adjust until he bottomed out. Josh let out a long sigh. 

“Just for you.” Tyler took in a sharp breath. 

Tyler’s alarm clock next to his bed started to freak out; the numbers were jumbling. Josh was good at controlling himself now that he had his memories back. But being inside Tyler was doing something else to him. The idea that they were connected as one being now overwhelmed him. 

He felt close to Tyler since he first laid his angelic eyes on him. It was something at first sight for Josh.  But now he was on Earth. He was making love to Tyler. He was touching him. Kissing him. Fucking him. It was all so new and surreal. 

“Okay.” Tyler breathed, “it’s not as bad as I thought. How does this feel for you so far?” 

“You have no idea.” Josh pressed Tyler’s hand against his face and kissed it. 

“I can’t explain to you how this feels for me. It hurts. But it’s you. We’re connected in a way I didn’t think was possible.” 

“I feel the same.” Josh leaned down so he could kiss Tyler’s lips. He slowly started to thrust, keeping his movements steady. It took everything in him not to grip Tyler’s legs and fuck him until the bed broke. 

“You can go faster. Please.” Tyler pulled away from the kiss. Josh picked his head up to look Tyler in the eyes again. Seeing his face again as he was fucking him made Josh lose control. He squeezed his eyes shut so that he wouldn’t blind Tyler. He knew that they were violently radiating light. 

Josh grunted and dug his nails into Tyler’s thighs as he picked up the pace. It felt so good that Josh could barely handle it. He made sure to keep his body from heating up. He would not hurt Tyler like that. He refused. But he couldn’t control his light escaping his eyes. 

Tyler used his arm to shield his eyes for extra protection. He was panting under Josh. 

“Josh. Oh. God. Josh. Fuck. God. God. Fuck.” Tyler couldn’t help but stop his head from turning back and forth rapidly. 

Josh took that as a sign that it felt so good to Tyler that he couldn’t control himself either. Hearing The Lord’s name used in such a way during sex shouldn’t have turned Josh on so much. 

“Tyler...” He started to kiss and bite at Tyler’s neck again. He was going at a quick steady pace. Tyler was still a mess underneath him, and Josh couldn’t help but feel such an intense love for Tyler in that moment. 

“So big…” Tyler panted, “I feel like I’m going to split in two. In the best way possible. Fuck.” 

“Good. Love tearing you apart. You’re being so good for me.” Josh moaned. He started going faster as he finally let his body take him over. He knew Tyler had to be going crazy, because he was bucking his hips with Josh. 

“Josh. Touch me.” Tyler whined, “I’m so close, but I need your touch. Please. Please. Please.” Tyler begged. Tyler was always so whiny when Josh touched him. 

Josh wrapped a hand around his cock as he thrust. He had one stroking Tyler, and the other held his hand. The bedposts were slamming against the wall. Their neighbors had to hate them with how loud they were being. But Josh didn’t care. He was letting himself have this. They both needed it. 

“Please. I’m so close.” 

“Cum for me.” Josh breathed, “I’ll cum for you too.” 

“Please…”

“Be a good boy for me, and cum.” Josh sped his hand up. 

That’s what did it for Tyler. 

With a few more strokes and thrusts, both of them were climaxing with each other.

It was so intense that Josh heard loud beeping. And then the entire neighborhood’s power went out as Josh came inside Tyler. 

Once his eyes calmed down, Josh could see through Tyler’s open shades that all the lights turned off one by one on their street. He breathed heavily and pulled out of Tyler. 

“Did you do that?” Tyler sat up, his own cum covering his chest. 

“See what you do to me?” Josh smiled and turned back to look at Tyler. 

“You’re going to cause a big breakdown from everyone around us.” Tyler laughed. 

Josh laid next to him as he got his breath back. Tyler still looked like he was thrown around the room. 

“That was perfect.” Josh said. 

“It was. You fucked me real good.” Tyler took Josh’s hand, “did you ever think when you first met me, that you’d be fucking my ass into the mattress?” 

“Not really. I pictured it though.” 

“God. I’ve sworn more today than I have in my life. That’s what your dick did to me. I can’t wait to do that again. I want you inside me in every room and every position possible.” Tyler smiled. Josh was happy to see him smile after everything that happened. 

“I can’t wait. But I think I’ve had enough for tonight. My eyes are finally down and I can only imagine how long it’s going to be before the powers back on.” Josh said. 

“Yeah. I’m getting railed in the morning though.”

Josh laughed, “As you wish.” 

“Merry Christmas, Josh.” Tyler said softly, “I love you.” 

“Merry Christmas, Tyler.” Josh leaned forward and kissed his cheek. There would still be no ‘I love you’ back to Tyler. He still just couldn’t say it.

Chapter Text

Their first weekly Saturday show went great. Tyler was relieved. The crowd seemed to really resonate with Tyler, and Josh played as well as he always did. He was so worried they couldn’t put on a good show without Nick. People definitely noticed. After the show, people came one by one to ask where their third member went. He had to tell them that this life wasn’t for him. 

He couldn’t tell them it was because he had no faith. Nick offered to help them in whatever way he could outside of actually playing. Tyler said yes because he was a people pleaser. But it upset him that Nick would even offer that. If he didn’t believe in the band, why would he still try to help? 

At least he still had Josh. He didn’t care what Josh thought about him, so long as Josh would still stay by his side. Josh had been acting pretty weird since Tyler asked him to be his boyfriend. They still didn’t define themselves. Tyler knew he had to be patient. He was asking too much of a man who still didn’t know who or what he was. Tyler was just trying to hold on to anything to keep him alive. 

“Are you excited for your first ever New Years Eve party?” Mark asked Josh as they walked. They were going to a party that one of the bands they had met invited them to. Thankfully, it was only a twenty minute walk. Hopefully if Mark left early or stayed behind, Josh could just transport them home. 

Josh did that more often than Tyler expected. He did it half the time they went to work so they didn’t have to walk in the cold. It was a weird feeling, like he had turned into goop just to be turned solid again. 

“I am, actually.” Josh smiled, “I like going to parties even though I’ve only been to one.”

“I’m indifferent to them. I’m happy at least you guys will be there.” Tyler shrugged. 

“You’ve never been a big party person with strangers unless it was a youth group thing.”

“But those are kids I grew up with. These are random people from random bands. And we’re going to party but also network.” Tyler moved closer to Josh. It was so cold out that even his coat wasn’t helping. He wanted to come out to Mark just so he could safely have Josh warm his hands. 

“Are you cold?” Josh asked. 

“Yes.” Tyler was shaking. 

“Just take my jacket to put over yours.” Josh slid his off and handed it to Tyler, “I don’t need it. I’m warm as it is. It’s fleece so it should help.” 

Tyler’s face turned red but he took it and put it on. Mark gave Tyler a look but didn’t say anything. That was risky of Josh. He knew he could trust Mark, but he wasn’t ready for him to suspect anything yet. The jacket did help. 

“What should we expect from this party?” Mark asked. He had brought a camera to record video from the party to put on the website. 

“I don’t know. Last time it was a lot of drugs, drinking, sex, and stuff like that. So something you’d expect from a group of underground musicians.” Tyler said.

“Great. So I have to keep a close eye on everything you guys do so that something raunchy doesn’t end up on the band's website.” Mark nodded. 

“We’re good boys.” Josh said, “We’re not going to do anything crazy. Tyler will probably sit on a couch and stare forward while forcing himself to make small talk like he did last time.” Josh teased. 

“Sounds like Tyler.” Mark nodded. Tyler hated it when people teased him about that stuff. But he wasn’t going to say anything. 

“I guess we’re going to have to be more active if Mark is going to get anything good. I don’t know if they’ll even let us record there.” Tyler said. They got up to the door of the house. It was bigger than the last party they had gone to, and there were a lot more cars. This seemed like more of a formal party than the last one. Maybe they were underdressed. 

They walked in and Tyler was wrong. It was just as raunchy as the last one, but just in a bigger house. The music was deafening, and the bass was shaking the whole house. Tyler looked around for someone he recognized and made a beeline to them. Mark and Josh followed close behind.

“Hey! Tyler! Glad you could make it.” He smiled. It was one of the lead singers of one of the bands that also performed at the club. 

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded and looked around, “This is your house? Pretty cool, man.” 

“Yeah! I see you brought Josh. Is this other guy your new band member?” He pointed to Mark. 

“No, he’s our videographer and my roommate. He’s here to take some pictures and videos of us, if that’s okay.” Tyler put his hands in the pockets of Josh’s coat. He was overheated by now, since there were so many people in the house. But he was wearing Josh’s coat, so he didn’t want to take it off. 

“Oh, that’s chill. We have so many other people here who are probably putting shit on their instagram. Do whatever you want, no rules! I have cleaners, so make whatever mess you want. Drinks are in the dining room, and if you want anything else, just find someone else doing it and they’ll share.” He held out his fist for a fistbump. Tyler reluctantly gave him one back and walked away.
“He seems like a peach.” Mark said.

“Yeah. He’s pretty cool. Not as cool as Josh though.” Tyler glanced at Josh, who was still being pretty quiet. He teased Tyler for spacing out at these parties, but Josh was always pretty quiet. 

“I don’t know if I want to drink tonight.” Tyler said. 

“Why not? Didn’t you get over your sickness of alcohol?” Mark asked.

“Yeah but.” He looked at Josh. He got too gay when he was drunk. Now that he was actually sleeping with a guy, who knew what he would do. Mark was actually around them this time, and they were becoming more like public figures. What if he drank and got too gay with Josh for the camera? 

“I think I’ll drink. At least a couple of them. I’m pretty heavy weight, so it takes a lot.” Josh said. 

“I think one drink won’t hurt me.” Tyler replied instantly. Famous last words. 

“There you go. I’m going to go walk around and see if I can network with people here. Maybe I’ll get some shots of other bands. I can tag them and direct their fans towards you guys.” Mark walked away. 

“Wanna get drunk and make out somewhere?” Josh asked. 

Tyler laughed, “We can make out later. I’m not going to make out at a public party.” 

“There’s two guys making out right over there.” Josh pointed, “I think no one will care if they see us walk into a closet together.” 

Tyler led Josh over to the drink table. He inspected his options. He could make a mixed drink and accidentally get too much. Or he could just grab a seltzer to make it easy. 

Josh took an entire bottle and chugged most of it. He wasn’t human, after all. It took a lot to get his body even tipsy. Tyler couldn’t help but admire him. Josh looked Tyler dead in the eyes as the burning liquid flowed down his throat. 

“Save some for the rest of us, god damn.” A guy behind Josh said. 

Josh pulled the bottle from his lips, “Sorry. Heavy weight.” He handed the bottle to Tyler. He shrugged and took a quick swig of it. He was not about to get freaky drunk. 

He handed it to the guy who was complaining. The guy took it into another room. Tyler and Josh rolled their eyes at the same time. 

“What do you want to do then?” Josh asked, “If you don’t want to make out.”

“I don’t know. We have two hours before the ball drops. We could probably try to socialize with others.” Tyler looked around the dining room at the people. He recognized some, but not all of them. 

He took Josh’s arm and took him up the stairs so they could explore. They found Mark talking to another guy with a camera. Tyler walked up to him and told him to follow them around for a bit just to get some pictures over with. 

Mark left his conversation to take some pictures of the boys interacting with other bands. They would find well known bands just to make sure they’d take advantage of their following. It was almost torture to Tyler. He kept getting handed drinks, and he wasn’t sure how many he had throughout the night.

He stuck with Josh all night. He couldn’t avoid it. Who else would he have clung to? He needed his stability to keep himself sane. He could tell Josh felt the same. He just wanted to climb all over him, or hold his hand. But he couldn’t. Curse Tyler’s fear of judgement. 

---

“I’m so excited. I’ve never watched the ball drop before. Obviously.” Josh said to Tyler. Tyler was already feeling guilty. Josh seemed so happy and excited for New Years, and all Tyler could worry about was how drunk he was. He let himself do it again. He was in control, but he was scared that he’d slip up. 

“It’s going to get loud in here, fair warning. Normal humans usually get pretty lit for New Years.” Tyler said. 

“Normal humans?” Josh laughed. 

“Well, we don’t know what you are. You look human. But you’re not a normal human who knows these things.” Tyler laughed back because of Josh’s contagious laugh. 

“You’re right about that.”  Josh nodded and looked at the giant TV they had in the house. He took Tyler’s hand. Tyler had done everything in his power to not yank it away. But no one was looking at them. 

But Tyler felt like everyone was looking at him. He awkwardly pulled his hand away. 

“3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!!” The crowd of people belted out. The room was filled with an eruption of cheers and screams. Tyler couldn’t help but allow himself to cheer as well. Josh was beaming from ear to ear. Josh grabbed his face to kiss him, but Tyler backed out of his touch as fast as he could. 

He pretended to laugh it off, “I’m not that drunk, weirdo.”

“Tyler…”

“What? Don’t give me that look. I know I jokingly mess around with you and say stupid things. But that’s just being an idiot. I'm jokingly gay with everyone. That's just my sense of humor. But a kiss is actually gay. I’m not queer. I’m not going to kiss you for New Years. That’s weird. Ew.” He didn’t mean any of those things. But he had to save face. 

Josh looked genuinely hurt. He had to understand how many people were around them. Mark was there with the camera taking pictures of them. He couldn’t let Josh kiss him. He couldn’t. He nonchalantly grabbed Josh’s hand as an apology. 

Josh had no right to be upset. He knew what he was getting into when he decided to mess around with Tyler. He knew Josh wanted a New Years kiss. But they should have stayed home alone if they wanted that. He could explain off a kiss to Mark. But not to the cameras and the strangers around them. 

Josh yanked his hand away roughly.

“Oh come on.” 

Josh shrugged and walked away towards the stairs again. Tyler waited a moment before following him. 

Josh went into a bedroom and shut the door. Tyler just could not understand what the big deal was. 

“Josh. Come on. Let me in so we can talk about this like adults.” Tyler knocked. 

No answer. 

“If you went in there just to teleport…” Tyler leaned his forehead on the door. 

“I’m sorry. Stop being an asshole and open the door.” Tyler knocked again. 

“Josh…please. What the fuck?” 

He almost fell when Josh opened the door. 

“Why are you so uptight right now?” Tyler asked as he let himself in. 

“If you don’t know, then you don’t pay attention.” Josh locked the door and then sat on the bed with crossed legs. 

“Enlighten me. Because I don’t know why you’d even think about trying to kiss me in public like that.”

“It’s not about that. I mean, it is. But not just that.” Josh sighed, “You make these comments to avoid just telling me you don’t want something. You could have just pulled away and said ‘not here’. But you had to just loudly announce how weird and queer it would have been to kiss me.” 

“You know I was just saying stupid shit.” Tyler didn’t sit down. He just stood there with his arms crossed. 

“Well maybe I’m just sick of having to hide like this. Plenty of bands mess around with each other openly. I don’t get how we can’t just play into it. Or maybe tell your family we’re together. I’m sick of your mom trying to set me up with girls from your church. How am I supposed to tell her that I’ve been fucking her son?” 

“Stop it.” 

“I have to look your dad in the eyes knowing that minutes earlier, I was shoving his son’s face into a pillow while my cock was buried deep inside him. You know how embarrassing that is?” 

“Josh. Stop it.” 

“No. You came in here accusing me of being uptight. But look at you. You can’t tell me to stop it.” Josh crossed his legs in frustration. Why was he acting like this?

“You’ve been acting so weird lately. You’re too emotionally attached to me if you don’t want to be my boyfriend.” Tyler huffed. 

“Of course I want to be your boyfriend. But how can I call myself that if all you want to do is hide us.” 

“It’s not easy to just come out like that. Maybe it’s easy for you because you have no one else. But I have a family who might not like the fact I’m with a man.” Tyler admitted.  

“I understand that, which is why I haven’t pressured you any more. But we could have pecked and played it off as a joke. And just forced Mark to delete any footage. But you had to yank yourself away and insult me to my face.”

“I told you I meant none of what I said. Haven’t you heard of saving face?” Tyler shook his head in frustration. 

“Yes. I have.” 

“Then obviously you lack the common sense to realize that’s what it was. It's not my problem that you’re too drunk to understand simple defense mechanisms. Or maybe you’re just stupid?” Tyler rolled his eyes at Josh, “You didn’t even bother to ask to kiss me by the way. You just grabbed my face. Who does that?” 

“You’re not even listening to me. Are you that drunk?” Josh walked over to him.  

“Not. Not really.” Tyler shook his head. 

“Are you sure?” Josh’s face was flush. He was definitely also still pretty drunk. They were both letting their emotions get the best of them. Tyler was showing his angry side. He hated that side of himself. 

“I’m not as drunk as you are.” Tyler teased, “You’re a mean drunk.” 

“I am not.”

“Then you’re a stupid drunk. A big fat idiot stupid drunk. You talk a big game about stuff but break down as soon as I reject a single kiss from you.” Tyler sighed obnoxiously. 

“You’re pissing me off.” 

“You want me to call you an idiot again?” 

“Something is wrong with you, Tyler.” Josh pushed Tyler against the door and pinned his arms up. Tyler felt his head skip a beat and picked his head up in defiance. 

“Wrong with me?” Tyler laughed, “We’re having an idiotic argument about the stupidest thing. And now you’re here, pinning me against a door. Desperate much?” 

“You forget who you’re talking to.” Josh’s eyes lit up. Not enough to blind him. It was an intimidation tactic. Tyler’s cock twitched a bit. He wanted Josh to take charge of him. Who cares about their fight when suddenly Tyler was upset at Josh in a different way. 

“Do you think that’s going to scare me? You think you’ll change my mind? Okay, idiot.” Tyler wasn’t sure how the words were coming out of his mouth. He was flirting now. These were flirting words. 

“You really know the right and wrong words to say to me sometimes.” Josh kissed Tyler hard. Tyler kissed back as he struggled to get his arms free. Josh tightened his grip on him. He was so strong there would be no way to break free. The purposeful heat on his wrists was going to leave a mark. 

Tyler’s cock twitched again. 

Josh bit Tyler’s bottom lip as they made out. Tyler felt himself grinding against Josh as much as he could. 

“Look at what you do to me.” Josh whispered against Tyler’s lips. 

“I love you.” Tyler said back. Josh moved his lips to Tyler’s neck. He bit and sucked on the tender flesh. Tyler shivered and tilted his head. 

“I’ll be right back.” Josh said against Tyler’s neck. He disappeared. Tyler wasn’t sure where he was going, or why he didn’t bring Tyler with him so they could have sex in private. Although, Tyler was drunk enough that if no one saw them in there, but they heard them, he wouldn’t care. 

Tyler felt the burn on his wrist and flinched at the pain. But it did nothing but excite him. 

Josh came back a moment later with their tube of lube. 

“Wouldn’t want to hurt you in a bad way.” Josh said. 

Tyler moaned, “I wouldn’t care. Hurt me. Hurt me with a smile on your fucking face.” He pressed himself against the door. Josh put the lube on the ground for now. 

“Turn around.” Josh said. 

Tyler did as he was told. He pressed his chest against the door and turned his head so he could look at Josh. 

Josh pressed his body against Tyler’s. He ran warm hands up his sides. Tyler shuttered and put his head against the door. Josh then moved his hands down to shove Tyler’s pants and boxers off. 

“You know which buttons of mine to push, Tyler.” Josh breathed against his neck. 

“Do I? Or are you just easily ticked off and you’re too drunk to hide it right now?” Tyler let out a snarky laugh. 

“I’m not even that drunk.” Josh bit hard down on Tyler’s neck. 

Josh gripped Tyler’s bare thighs. It was hot. Tyler moaned at that feeling of the burn. They had done something similar already when Tyler had begged Josh to leave a handprint burn on his ass, even if Josh healed it afterwards. He would have let him keep it there if Josh wasn’t so insistent on healing it. 

“Ah. Fuck.” Tyler breathed when he felt his hips burn more. It felt so insanely good and insanely bad that Tyler could have cum on the spot. 

“Are you going to fuck me, or are you going to just sit there and burn my whole body?” Tyler moved his hips back. 

“Do I need to put a muzzle on you?” Josh laughed.  

“Maybe.” Tyler darted his eyes back. He froze up when he heard footsteps outside the door, “is there someone listening to us?” 

“No. We’re close to the bathroom. They were probably getting lost. Don’t worry about it.” Josh said. Tyler heard Josh’s pants drop. 

Josh grabbed the lube from the ground and shoved two fingers inside Tyler. Even though he didn’t usually need it anymore, Josh always fingered Tyler before anything. Tyler let out a low groan and moved his hips with Josh’s movements. 

“Not wasting any time?” Tyler breathed. 

“Shut up.” 

Tyler moaned. Josh’s hand inside him wasn’t warm. Even if they were having angry sex, he didn’t want to actually hurt Tyler. He had told Josh he was okay with pain, as long as it was anywhere but inside him. 

Tyler wasn’t sure if Josh was into the burning as well, or if he was just doing it to make Tyler happy. Tyler loved it either way. 

Tyler knew this time that Josh was genuinely mad at him. It made Tyler feel insane in the best way possible. He needed Josh to use him as a way to get out his frustrations. Let Tyler be his punching bag. 

Josh was such a kind and genuine person. Seeing him like this made Tyler melt in his hands. He loved to break Josh apart and see where his buttons were. And Josh was always so sweet and kind afterwards. Josh was perfect. He was perfect for Tyler, even if he didn’t want the commitment. As long as Tyler got to be the one Josh crawled in bed with, he didn’t care. 

Josh pulled his fingers out. It wasn’t long before his overly lubed cock was shoved inside him. Tyler gasped at the sudden intrusion. He needed something to hold on to but he had nothing. He slammed his hands on the door and whined. 

“Fuck.” Josh groaned, “You open up right for me. Just like a whore.” 

“I’m your whore. I’m your whore. Fuck. Just for you. Only for you, Josh.” Tyler bucked his hips back. 

Josh took no time fucking him roughly. The sound of skin slapping against skin filled the room. There was no escape from the moans coming from Tyler’s mouth. He was melting in Josh’s hands and coming apart from every stitch in his body. 

He moved his hands from Tyler’s hip to his shoulders so he could get better control of him. Tyler was breaking apart against him. He pushed his head against the door and put his hands on his knees so he could bend over better for Josh. 

“Didn’t realize I told you you could speak.” Josh heated up his hands. They burned Tyler’s shoulders. He gasped and winced in pain but he had a giant grin on his face that Josh couldn’t see. 

Josh stopped his thrusts, “Wait. Am I hurting you too much?” He asked softly as he moved his hands down Tyler’s waist. He was careful not to touch his burnt hips again. 

“Don’t stop.” Tyler breathed, “you can heal me later, I don’t care. Please. Don’t stop. Please. I need this. Please. Hurt me. Fuck me. Josh.” He begged. 

“Fuck, Tyler.” Josh grunted. He moved his hands back down to Tyler’s hips so he could dig his nails into him. It hurt even more with his burnt skin. Tyler’s body naturally wanted to jerk away but he wouldn’t let it. He needed this. 

Josh probably knew in the back of his mind that allowing himself to give pain to Tyler was feeding into a bad habit. But Josh was too blind to see it for what it really was. Tyler was still in denial about why he liked it so much when Josh hurt him. 

Tyler was just getting the adrenaline of pain without having to be blamed for it himself. It wasn’t so much a kinky sex thing as it was a way to get his bad feelings out. 

Josh had no idea. 

Tyler wanted to keep it that way. 

Josh let out a breathy laugh and sucked on Tyler’s neck as he started his thrusts again. He bit down and it made Tyler groan. He needed to be touched. He wanted Josh to bite him so hard that he bled. He wanted to feel his blood trickle down his neck. He was so close already with Josh being so rough. 

Josh’s thrusts were getting sloppier and more frantic. Tyler could tell he was close too. He snuck his hand on to his own cock and started to stroke. He needed release. 

Josh pulled Tyler against him so he could replace Tyler’s hand. He stroked him quickly until Tyler’s knees were giving out. 

“Cum for me, whore.” Josh whispered into his ear. 

Tyler whined pathetically. 

He came directly on the door and tried to use it to keep himself up. 

Josh thrust into him a few more times before he climaxed himself. As expected, the power in the room shot out. It probably went out in the entire house, because they could hear shouts. Josh pulled out and turned Tyler around. He leaned against the door. Tyler let himself slide down the door to the floor. 

Josh knelt down and pressed a kiss against Tyler’s lip. The kiss was softer than he expected. Tyler’s shoulders, wrists, and hips were covered in burns that hurt. Josh cupped Tyler’s face. He moved his hands to Tyler’s burn marks and pressed on them to heal him. 

“I love you.” Tyler said to him, “You’re good to me. And I bring nothing but pain to you. I’m sorry I said all those things.” 

“It’s okay. You don’t bring me any pain.” Josh shook his head. Tyler knew that was a lie. He knew the way Josh would look at him with pain and sorrow in his eyes. But Tyler chose to ignore it and love him anyway. 

“Okay…I need to get dressed so I can get cleaned up.” Tyler wiped his eyes. 

“Why don’t we just sit here for a minute. It’s going to take a while for the power to come back on. People are going to be distracted. I just want to hold you. And make sure that you're okay.” He scooted Tyler so he could hold him in his arms. Tyler leaned into him and let his breathing calm down. 

They had waited a while before moving. Tyler let himself feel vulnerable to Josh. He loved Josh so much he could puke. Tyler didn’t deserve him. Tyler deserved nothing. He was so broken that everyone could see it. He couldn’t even let Josh be happy and enjoy a holiday. But Josh stayed anyway. 

Josh decided to teleport back to the house so they could claim he went home in a fit of anger. He didn’t want anyone to see them coming out of that room together. 

Tyler sat by himself for a few moments to collect his bearings. He had just been fucked out of his life and he was expected to walk out there like nothing happened? 

Tyler walked out and went to find Mark, if he was still even there. He asked around and no one had seen him. Great. Now he has to walk home in the cold all by himself. He was shivering and wishing he had a hat. It was a longer walk than he had expected. It gave him time to drunkenly think about where his life had been going. It was going too well. Why did Tyler feel some sort of dread, as if it wouldn’t last forever?

No. Tyler was not going to allow that. He was allowed to have good things in his life. He had been through enough. It was only going to go up from here.

He made it to the apartment and saw Mark leaning against the lamppost outside their apartment.

“So. Tyler.” Mark looked at his camera and then back at Tyler.

“Yeah?” He asked, “What are you standing outside for?”

“How long have you been sleeping with Josh?” 

Tyler froze in place, “I’m not? Where would you get that idea? You know I jokingly act gay in front of other people. It’s just a joke” he laughed.

“I’m pretty sure saying ‘Are you going to fuck me, or are you going to just sit there and burn my whole body’ is pretty gay in the real way. I’m not even going to sit here and ask about the burning thing. You guys can do your own freaky thing behind closed doors. I followed you guys after I saw you chase after Josh. I listened to way more than I should have. I heard your whole argument. You told Josh you loved him? Tyler, you’ve only known him for less than two months.” Mark sighed, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I…” Tyler felt so mortified. 

“You…You don’t have to answer that. I get it.” Mark sighed, “I just feel hurt that you weren’t comfortable enough to tell me. I thought I’ve been pretty supportive.”

“I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”
“I should have known, seeing how many times you guys have slept in the bed together. I just thought Josh hated the couch.” Mark laughed.

“Yeah. We’ve been sleeping around for about two and a half weeks.”

“You’ve just been having sex for two weeks and you told him you loved him?” Mark raised both of his eyebrows in shock.

“Yeah…” Tyler covered his face, “and he refused to be my boyfriend too.”

“Oh my fucking God, Tyler.” Mark shook his head, “I don’t blame him. You’ve always been the type to jump the gun and get too close too fast. Just don’t let yourself get hurt.”

“I’m sure I will get hurt. But I want to enjoy this while I can.”

“If you guys break up, it’s going to ruin the band. Be careful with that.” Mark warned.

Tyler took a sharp breath, “I know.”

“If you want to do this for real, you’ll have to be careful. I’m not saying hide your relationship. A lot of good bands are couples. But…I know you. I know you well, Tyler. Don’t let it get to your head.”

“I know.”

“One more thing… all those times I heard your bed creaking and you making those noises…was that sex?”

Tyler said nothing.

“This whole time I thought you were just having night terrors. Oh my god. I cannot…” Mark shivered, “again. I don’t care what you do. But Jesus Christ, Tyler. Control your mouth if you’re going to do that while I’m home.”

Tyler laughed, “I’m so sorry. I thought you’d be asleep.”

“Well, I wasn’t asleep every time! Maybe text me next time you guys do anything. If I don’t answer, I’m asleep.” Mark laughed too, “and please, don’t do anything in a common area.”

It was a little late for that. Tyler and Josh had already had sex in almost every room of the house.

“Ew, of course not. Only my room.” Tyler shook his head, “can we go inside?” 

“Yeah. Josh is home already. I’m guessing you guys left at different times so it didn’t seem like you were in there fucking? Also, in someone else’s house is crazy work.” Mark opened the front door.

“Yeah, well.” They made their way into the apartment. 

Josh was setting up his bed on the couch.

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch anymore, Josh.” Tyler said, “Mark knows.”

“Oh.” Josh stood still, “cool.”

“Yeah. I heard you guys in the house.”

“All of it?” Josh’s face was flush.

“Enough of it.” Tyler walked over to Josh, “I think I want to go to bed.”

“Okay.” Josh pressed a kiss on his forehead. Tyler felt blessed that his best friend was so accepting. 

In their bed, Tyler and Josh talked quietly about the night, their futures, and each other. Tyler was content; happy even. 

Chapter Text

Tyler stood there with a piece of paper. He extended it to Josh without another word. His eyes looked dark and they refused to lock with Josh’s. He frowned but took the paper in his hand. 

They were at work on a Friday. February 14th. 

“What is this?” Josh asked. 

“You have to read it.” 

Josh skimmed through the essay on the page. 

“You tried to get a record label to publish our album? You didn’t ask me.” Josh frowned. 

“I thought I’d surprise you. We’ve been gaining traction, so I thought someone would help us release it. But I guess not. I got the letter this morning and wanted to open it while we were here. I shouldn’t have.” Tyler sighed, “I thought we’d finally get to leave this place.”

“We will. I’m sure of it.” Josh put a hand on Tyler’s shoulder. He could tell Tyler was resisting his touch but didn’t move. He would get squeamish from touch if he was upset. 

They had been doing so many shows in January and February already that Josh had lost count. They had their usual Saturday shows, but they were invited to others. It got to the point where all they did was go to work, drive to a venue, play, go home, and go to work the next day. Josh was having a ball, because he got to do it with Tyler. Their crowds were growing at each show. Tyler’s energy was increasing.

Things were getting too good. And Josh was relieved they were rejected because it meant that Tyler wouldn’t be too too happy yet. 

“I think I’m just going to have to officially record everything in my parent’s basement. And then we’ll just print out a few copies to sell at our shows and call it a day.” Tyler sighed. He escaped Josh’s touch and sat at his desk. Josh watched him pull up his emails just to stare blankly at it. 

“That sounds like a good idea. People have been asking us for it. Did we come up with a name for it yet?” Josh asked. 

“No.” 

“Well, maybe we should.” Josh got up from the conference table and stood next to Tyler. He didn’t look up at him like he usually did. Josh knew this was about much more than a rejection letter, but he wasn’t sure. He couldn’t get into Tyler’s head about this. 

“I don’t think it matters. I think we’re not going to go very far touring it. And I don’t think anyone is going to listen to it. Maybe at best we’ll get regional reach but…” Tyler trailed off. 

“I kind of like that as a title.” Josh said, “Even though I think you need to be more confident in our work. We’ve been trying really hard. The songs you’ve written are good.” 

“Regional At Best? That could work.” Tyler pulled up a document and started writing. 

Josh beamed with pride for helping name their album. It was one thing at least that he could help with. Tyler had been insistent on doing most of the recording and creation of the album himself. He walked over to Tyler to see what he was writing. It was the name, tracklist, and some other notes. 

“Two?” Josh asked looking at the tracklist, “What’s that one? And why is it a hidden track. You didn’t tell me about that one.” 

Tyler shrugged, “I wrote that on Christmas. It’s just about us as a band. I don’t imagine anyone will understand it or care about it.” 

“Is that the melody you were playing when I came downstairs?” Josh asked.

“Yeah.” Tyler looked back at his screen and started to write more notes with each song. He seemed to be getting motivated by the idea of having to do everything by himself. Josh couldn’t help but admire the passion that Tyler put into everything. Even when he was miserable, he was focused on the next project. 

“Did you forget the date?” Josh asked.

“Kind of. The days blur to me these days.” Tyler said. 

“Let me read the verse of the day for you.” Josh picked up the rip-away calendar. Tyler has forgotten the last few days, so Josh ripped it off until he got to the current day. 

“I don’t get it.” Tyler shrugged, “It’s Friday, right?”

“February Fourteenth. Colossians 3:14: And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” Josh read aloud. 

“Oh.” Was all Tyler said when he realized, “Sorry. I forgot.” 

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not like you're my boyfriend.” Tyler didn’t look at Josh, “I don't have to feel bad that I forgot to get you anything.”

“Am I not your boyfriend at this point?” Josh furrowed his brows. 

“I didn’t get the memo.” Tyler shrugged. He looked away from his document and at Josh.

“I figured we just didn’t need to say it out loud.” Josh said. He knew that he had never made it official with Tyler. But at that point, he couldn’t avoid it. They were exclusively sleeping together for almost two months. Mark knew, so they were able to sleep in the same bed together every night. They were almost never apart, except at work when Josh had to clean. Why not call each other boyfriends at that point? Josh still had his fears, but he knew he couldn’t keep away from the label. 

“We needed to. You’ve been stringing me along for months.” Tyler laughed bitterly, “But I’m glad you can at least admit that it’s stupid we haven’t called it official yet.”

“Are you going to tell your family then?”

“You know I can’t, Josh.” Tyler sighed, “At least not yet.”

“You can be upset with me for taking this long to call you my boyfriend, but I can’t be upset that you won’t tell anyone?” 

“I didn’t say you couldn’t be upset. But I don’t think you’d understand anyway.” Tyler sighed, “I’m sick of having this conversation.”

“Me too.” Josh sighed. He knew why Tyler didn’t want to come out, and he didn’t blame him. This day and age, some people on the scene would look down on two men in a relationship being the frontmen for a band. They’d call them “too woke”.

Josh still couldn’t help but feel pain that Tyler wouldn’t at least tell his family. He knew Tyler’s family. Most of them would be supportive, even if they didn’t care for the “lifestyle”. 

Josh was well aware of the many consequences if everyone found out. He knew the risks, which was why he didn’t force it. He knew everything could crash down if they were public. Not to mention, it would put too much attention on Josh and he could be whisked away. 

That didn’t mean that Josh wasn’t heartbroken by Tyler’s refusal. 

They both weren’t sure what to say after that. Tyler was typing on his computer, and Josh sat there twiddling his thumbs. He liked comfortable silence, but this was awful. They couldn’t even fill the silence with kisses because they were at work. 

“So, I think I should go clean something.” Josh said.

“Do you want to go on a date tonight?” Tyler asked at the same time. 

“Yes.” Josh nodded, “Of course I do. And then we can get home and -” he looked over at the Pastor’s door. He was in there, but the room was pretty soundproof. He could not risk saying something inappropriate just for him to walk out. 

“Yes.” Tyler let his face heat up, “of course we can, if we can get Mark to leave for a few hours.”

“I’m sure he will. He’s pretty good with that if we ask.” Josh stood up, “I do actually have to go clean something.”

“Have fun.” 

Josh walked over to Tyler and put a hand on his shoulder. He wanted to kiss him. Josh always wanted to kiss him. Tyler looked up at him with a small smile. 

“Can I kiss you?” Josh asked, “I don’t think Pastor is rapidly checking the cameras.”

Tyler paused, “Quick one.”

Josh leaned down and kissed Tyler softly for a couple seconds. Josh could tell Tyler pulled away first because he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop if they got too into it. Josh went to go do his actual job.

---

“I’m not sure where we could go to safely go on a date.” Tyler was scrolling through places on his phone. He was sitting on Josh’s lap in their apartment. His legs were wrapped around Josh’s torso. 

“Practically anywhere.” Josh said, “we’re not well enough known yet outside of the music scene.” 

“I guess you’re right. But, I have a big family. I don’t want any of them to see us out in public.” Tyler glanced up at Josh.

“We could just stay at home or go for a walk.” Josh suggested.
“No. That’s boring. I don’t want to be boring on our first real date.” Tyler shook his head, “We can go somewhere far away. I think that would be safe. You could teleport us there.” 

“I don’t know how far I can go. I haven’t tried to go further than a few miles before.” Josh said, “I don’t want to accidentally hurt you or kill you by messing it up.” 

“I could always drive us.” Tyler shrugged, “the car ride will be boring since I still haven’t gotten a new car radio yet.”  

“I think just talking to you is enough for us.” Josh shrugged, “the car ride will be half of it. I love to hear you speak.”

Tyler shoved his face in Josh’s shoulder, “don’t say things like that.”

“Why not?” Josh laughed. 

“You know why.” 

“I know. You don’t have to get bashful in front of me.” Josh pet Tyler’s hair, “How about you find a nice restaurant somewhere like an hour away. We can both dress nicely. I won’t be able to eat, but I can pretend for you.” 

“Stop.” Tyler said into Josh, “I can’t handle you being so nice to me. I prefer the Josh that slams me against things.”

“You know that I can be both.” Josh rubbed Tyler’s back. Tyler always hated when he was soft, but Josh didn’t care. He knew that Tyler loved it. 

“Let’s just go. I know where we can go. I’ll drive.” Tyler picked his head up and kissed Josh. 

Josh kissed back and slid his hands down to Tyler’s hips. He pulled away from the kiss and got off Josh before they ended up just having sex instead of leaving. Josh followed him into their room and changed. Josh could get used to calling it “their room”. He was only meant to stay with Tyler and Mark for a few weeks while he collected himself. But he was sure this arrangement was going to stay as long as Josh was allowed to stay on Earth. 

He tried to ignore the nagging feeling that this wasn’t going to last forever. 

He admired Tyler instead of dreading the future. He looked to the bright side. They had too much to look forward to that Josh didn’t have time to think about anything else. Josh wanted to tour the world with Tyler with their only cares being what they were going to do for their show. It was barely even just about Tyler anymore. He loved playing music with him. He’d give up everything just to do it forever.

“Can you give me a flashlight?” Tyler asked, looking through his closet floor on his knees. 

“My phone is in the living room.” 

“Just use your eyes. I’m trying to find a specific shirt and I think it fell.” Tyler was feeling around the floor. 

Josh laughed and lit up his eyes and tried to help Tyler find the shirt. Tyler loved to use and abuse Josh’s powers for the tiniest things. 

“It’s fun to have a boyfriend who can be so useful.” Tyler chuckled and found the shirt he was looking for. 

“I like that you’re wearing a shirt from the floor of your closet to our first date.” Josh teased. 

“Listen. This is the perfect shirt. It’s the one I was wearing when we first officially met.” Tyler held it up for Josh to see. 

“Oh. Yeah, that’s a good idea then. That shirt looks good on you. Although all of your shirts look good on you.” Josh sat on the edge of Tyler’s bed and watched him change. 

“Oh shut up.” Tyler rolled his eyes and fixed his shirt so it looked neat. 

“I don’t think I will.” Josh shook his head, “I think I need a haircut soon.” 

“Don’t you ever cut your hair.” Tyler shook his head, “I like it like this.” He walked over to Josh and fluffed it. 

Tyler paused when he heard his phone go off. 

“Let me go check that.”

Josh sighed as he watched Tyler run off to the living room. It was probably something else band related that Tyler didn’t bother to tell Josh about. He wouldn’t have gone running for his phone otherwise. 

“Okay cool. Okay good!” Tyler exclaimed, “I got us an interview on a radio station. I told them about our album coming out in April and they wanted to talk to us.” 

“April?” Josh exclaimed. 

“Yeah. We can finish it in a month. I have all the songs written, the tracklist set, and all I need to do is record them and then get the CDs made. I have a few cool ideas with the track too. It might take me sitting in my parents basement for hours every night but I’m okay with that.” Tyler seemed excited, and that made Josh happy. He just didn’t want Tyler to overdo it. He was good at that. 

Josh remembered the times before they met where Tyler would stay up for days at a time working on music. It would get to the point where he would start to freak out every night from exhaustion. He would hallucinate, and he’d have night terrors whenever he managed to get any semblance of sleep. Josh had to make sure that wouldn’t happen again.

“Just remember to give yourself a break every now and then. We’re playing shows right now too. We’re going to have to either wait longer for the album, or do less shows.” Josh said.

“No. I can handle it. I’ll just make sure you force me to sleep every now and then so I don’t die from exhaustion. I work best this way.” Tyler adjusted his shirt one more time, “let’s go now.” 

Josh nodded without another word and followed Tyler to his car. 

“I need to get a new car radio.” Tyler whined, “I still can’t believe someone stole it. They even took my bluetooth adapter too. I hate having this old ass car. First thing I’m going to do when we make it big is get a new car.” 

“You should. I should get a car too.”

“You don’t need a car when you can just teleport yourself wherever you want to go.” Tyler laughed as he started to drive. 

They spent the car ride chatting about nothing serious. Josh stared out the window as they spoke. He was trying to focus on the sights and not the fact that he was starting to worry about Tyler’s health. 

Josh wasn’t sure where they were going. He never focused whenever Tyler went on dates of any kind when he watched over him. He knew now that it was jealousy. He felt like he claimed Tyler years before he even met him, so he was overprotective and possessive. Josh knew it was creepy, he just didn’t care. Tyler would never know anyway. 

“We’re here.” Tyler got out of the car, “I used to go here as a kid. My parents would take us every Valentine’s day until my dad got sick one year. Then they swore to never come here again.” That’s why Josh didn’t recognize it. He didn’t start seriously watching Tyler until he was out of high school. 

“That’s pretty cool. So you go here because you know that everyone else in your family won’t step foot in here?” Josh asked.

“Exactly. My dad basically bullied us into promising that we’d never go here again.” Tyler laughed. Josh laughed back as they walked inside. It was a nice place. It wasn’t too fancy, but it was nice. They were put in a booth near the back corner of the restaurant. It was Valentine’s day, so the good areas were taken already. Josh was just thankful they were able to get a seat. 

“You can let me order for you so it’s something I like.” Tyler said.

“So you can order mac and cheese again?” Josh teased.

“No. I am ordering mac and cheese for myself. I am going to get something else for you so I can have it for lunch tomorrow. What do they have for Mexican-inspired food.” Tyler looked up and down the menu. 

“This is a nice place. Please don’t order ketchup with your mac and cheese.” Josh pleaded.

“I won’t. I promise. Which is why I’m going to get you a burger so I can ask for ketchup with it, and use that.” Tyler smirked.

“I hate you.” Josh rolled his eyes with a smile.

“I love you.” Tyler smiled and tapped the menu on the table. “Do you want to get a couple drinks too?” 

“Probably not, or you won’t be able to drive home tonight.” Josh said.
“We can get a hotel room.” 

“On Valentine’s day? Be real, Tyler. We can’t afford that.” Josh shook his head.

Tyler groaned and looked defeated, “Fine. I can survive without it. I’ll just order a lemonade.” 

“I’ve never seen you order lemonade.” 

“I like the acidity.” Tyler looked at their server once she came over. He ordered drinks and food for both of them. Josh sat there awkwardly. He wasn’t going to eat it, but he was still capable of ordering for himself. The waitress smiled warmly at them and walked away.

They had small conversations as they waited for their food. They got it and Tyler didn’t wait to dig in. Josh couldn’t handle but smile happily while he watched Tyler shove food into his face. 

Tyler looked back and forth in the room before he reached a hand over the table. Josh took his hand and held it.

“This is our first real date.” Tyler smiled, “I don’t like to be too sentimental. That’s a lie. I keep everything. But I’m glad we got to this point. I don’t know. You make being alive pretty tolerable.” 

“I agree. I’m happy I had you when I first got here. I think I would have been a goner if anyone else took me in.” Josh squeezed his hand, “I would probably still be sleeping on a church couch without any friends.” 

“I think you’d at least have some other friends from the church.” Tyler pointed out, “I’m just the guy who saw you first. Plus, you remembered my name. I think that means something. You would have found me eventually. And I think that’s romantic.”

Josh felt his face flush and smiled. If only Tyler could know. 

“I guess you’re right. I think we’ll never know what all that was about.” Josh shrugged, “We can only guess. It feels like so long ago. I don’t think who I was before matters. I don’t think we will ever find out. But I’m here now.” Why did he feel the need to overextend the lie like that? 

“Yeah. I don’t care enough anymore to guess.” Tyler said, squeezing Josh’s hand back “I just care about you. And putting this record out. Without you, I wouldn’t even be doing music anymore. I hold that so close to my heart. I owe you more than you could imagine.”

“That means a lot.” 

“I-” Tyler stopped dead in his thoughts and yanked his hand away. 

Josh looked at Tyler and then turned his head to see what he was looking at. 

Zack. 

Josh could tell Tyler was panicking. There was a chance that Zack couldn't see them. They were in the back of the restaurant, and it wasn’t brightly lit. 

He was here with someone that Josh presumed was his new girlfriend. He never seemed to keep them, but Josh did remember seeing this girl at church the Sunday before. 

Josh could feel Tyler shaking. His leg was bouncing and moving the table. 

“Tyler. It’s fine. We’ve gone out places together before.” Josh said quietly. 

“It’s Valentine’s Day. You see two people alone at a table in a nice restaurant on Valentine’s Day, you’re not going to think they’re friends. He already makes enough jokes about us. He’s going to tell everyone.” Tyler looked at the wall so no one could see him. 

Josh locked eyes with Zack. They both glared at each other. 

“They didn’t even see us.” Josh lied, “he’s sitting at a table on the other side of the restaurant out of view.” 

Tyler took a breath of relief, “We aren’t going to be able to leave until they leave first.” 

“Tyler… we’re almost done.”  Josh frowned, “We can always ask if there’s a way to go out through the back if you’re worried.” 

“I’d love that.” 

“I wasn’t serious.” Josh sighed.

“You need to stop harping on that.” 

“I’m not harping on it, Tyler. I just think you’re overthinking it. Maybe he wouldn’t even recognize us.” Josh shrugged. 

“He would recognize us. He’s my brother.” Tyler rolled his eyes. 

“I’m just saying…” Josh stopped himself. He needed to stop putting his frustrations first. They talked about this too much. He needed to let it go. 

The woman came and handed Josh the bill. 

“Clocked us.” Tyler changed the subject, “They say whoever the waitress passes a bill to is who they consider the top in the relationship.”

“You’re avoiding this.” Josh laughed, “But you’re right. She did clock us. When she takes the bill, I will ask her if we can go out another way. I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking of you. I just got a bit frustrated.” 

“Thank you.” Tyler smiled. He kept looking over at Zack’s table to see if he was looking. Josh knew Zack was avoiding his gaze. He wasn’t sure if he was uncomfortable or scared of Josh. 

“You’re welcome. If it’s for you, I’ll do whatever you want.” Josh said. 

Tyler nodded with a smile, “I love you.” He said quietly.  

“I love you too.” Josh said. 

He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to tell Tyler he loved him. He never did. He only wanted to say it when Tyler wasn’t listening. How long would he be able to keep this up? 

Tyler raised his eyebrows in shock.

“If Zack wasn’t here I’d kiss you on the lips.” Tyler’s leg started to bounce again, “how dare you say it back to me when I can’t jump over the table to kiss you.” 

Josh laughed, “I know it’s not funny, but it’s kind of funny.” 

“I’m sorry, but you can’t just throw that to me.” Tyler laughed back, “I’m laughing but I’m genuinely mad. I’m only laughing because you are.” 

“I’m sorry. Just felt like a good time.” 

“No. A good time would have been months ago. At least not while my brother is here. Or when we at least got home and-“ he looked around and stopped himself. 

“Well. Let’s pretend I didn’t say it. And I’ll say it tonight while I’m inside you. And we can say it’s the first time I ever said it. How about that?”

Tyler blushed and turned bright red, “We’re in public.” 

“So? Who’s listening?” Josh smiled. He was just trying to distract him at that point. Why did he have to say he loved him?  

“Anyone and everyone.” Tyler looked at the waitress as she walked over to them. It was a different one from before.  

Josh handed her the bill with Tyler’s card in it, “Is there any possible way we’d be able to leave through the back?” he asked, “We have someone who walked in close to the front that we don’t want to see us.”

“Oh, uhm. I can ask? Hey wait. Aren’t you guys that band?” she asked, “I think I saw a video of you guys on Twitter.”

“Oh. Yeah.” Tyler nodded. Josh could see him becoming nervous again. He could see Tyler resisting the urge to stim. Tyler bit down hard on his lip. 

 It was going to be impossible for them to get away with this from now on.
“We just played a private show and needed to go get something to eat. We completely forgot it was Valentine’s day when we came here. My ex-girlfriend is over there and I don’t want to see her.” Josh told the waitress. 

“Oh. Awesome! Can I take a picture with you!” She asked, taking out her phone. Tyler looked at Josh, terror bleeding through his eyes. 

“Sure!” Josh smiled. 

They posed for a picture with her. She managed to sneak them out through the back. Once they were alone in the back of the building, Tyler let his frustrations out by kicking a piece of trash on the ground.

“This was a bad idea.” He said, “So bad.”

“It’s okay.” Josh softly touched his shoulder. 

“We’re going too fast. Two months ago, our band was nothing. We were just some guys performing at a church. Now we’re performing for groups of hundreds of people who are there specifically for us. And we’re getting recognized by random people? We can’t even comfortably leave our own house. I can’t go on a date with you without someone knowing who we are. Things are going too fast now.” 

“I know.” Josh said, defeated, “I know it’s not the time, but you referencing your own song in real life was pretty funny.”

Tyler let out a huffed laugh, “I did, didn’t I? Not intentional.” 

“I don’t know if there’s a good way to go around this other than only being a couple behind closed doors. I’m not sure I want that.” Josh said, taking the conversation back.

Josh felt like he could physically see Tyler’s heart fall to the ground. 

“I’m not breaking up with you, if that’s what you think I meant by that.” Josh said quickly, avoiding a meltdown. 

“I didn’t think it was.” Tyler said, looking down to the floor. He was doing that thing Josh hated where he wouldn’t look at Josh during serious conversations. 

“I’m just saying. I don’t know if I can do that for the rest of my life. I’m like a broken record in saying that.” Josh somewhat agreed with Tyler. With Josh’s situation, drawing attention to their relationship would be a bad thing. He was sure there was no angel watching them specifically. But a lot of them lurked around. Angels might overthink Josh’s attachment to Tyler and try to force him away. 

If they found out he was dating a human in the way they were, he would probably get erased from existence so fast. Sex with humans was generally allowed, but nothing with an attachment. He had never heard of an angel being allowed to stay on Earth just to be with a human. 

What he was doing was so wrong. Josh was sinning in a way that humans didn’t even know about. Their relationship was wrong. But Josh couldn’t find himself caring. 

If everything wasn’t on the line, Josh would have screamed from a rooftop how much he loved Tyler. But for now, he had to keep it quiet. Both of their lives relied on it.

The fact he hadn’t been caught by Heaven yet astounded him. 

Maybe Heaven didn’t care as much as Josh thought they did. 

“One day. I promise you. But I just can’t afford that right now.” Tyler took Josh’s hand, “I can’t afford to lose you.”

Josh frowned. 

“I care about our band and what we’ve built.” Tyler admitted, “I can’t lose that right now. You and this band are the only things keeping me alive.”

“I understand.” Josh squeezed his hand. They couldn’t do much more than that, forbid someone is watching. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” Tyler looked away again, “Can we go home?” 

“Yes.”

—

Later that night, in the darkness of Tyler’s bedroom, Josh told him he loved him again. With Tyler pressed down against the mattress, Tyler on top of him, Tyler bent over the bed, Tyler pressed against the window, and while Tyler was spread out underneath him. Every time, he would tell Tyler he loved him. 

He told him again. And again. And again. And again. Let heaven hear them. Let them see. 

When he was inside Tyler, he could do anything. It was like home to him. It was where he meant to be. 

He would fight every angel in the world if it meant he could stay this forever. 

Chapter Text

The ticking of the clock in the basement haunted him. 

Tyler stood on the top of the couch and examined it.

Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. Ti-

He gripped it tightly and threw it across the room, shattering the glass into little pieces on the ground. Tyler was fucking sick of that clock. He was still standing up on the couch, staring down at what he did. It felt cathartic. If he wasn’t allowed to break his own skin anymore, he needed to break something. The stress was getting to be too much. It was too much. Too much..

Nothing helped.

He was too manic. 

He wasn’t sure how much time he wasted recording this album on his own in his stupid parent’s basement. So much was going so well, but he felt like it wasn’t enough. He wasn’t good enough.

Tyler didn’t sleep. Nothing else mattered. If Josh popped in to check on him, he’d shoo him away. He needed this done; no distractions allowed. He had one week before he had to submit it to the company that would produce them. He still had so much to do. Most of the audio was recorded, but he had to edit. He had to add Josh’s parts in. Tyler had to make sure it was perfect. There was no room to screw this up.

He was tired.

It was somehow March twenty-ninth already. It was over three months since he kissed Josh for the first time. Time was flying by between both shows and spending time with Josh. The only alone time he ever got was when he was working on his record. Every other second was with Josh. They worked together, slept together, watched TV together, and walked together. They even showered together. Tyler knew it wasn’t healthy. No relationship lasted the test of being together twenty-four-seven. But they made it work. 

Tyler got off the couch so he could sit on the floor.  He stared down at the shattered glass. It made his skin crawl. How many nights had he been up? Three? Four? He lost count. He took a nap at work earlier that day. It was enough. He had dealt with worse. 

Insomnia made his music better, after all. 

“Dad is going to kill me for breaking that clock.” Tyler sighed to himself, picking up a shard. He held it with shaking hands. He wasn’t going to do it. He wasn’t going to do it. He wasn’t going to do it. He was better than that. But the pressure was getting to him. 

He wanted to, though. Josh could just heal him after. No one would even know or notice. 

“I wish that glass shattered on my head. I’m sick of this shit. Kill me already.” He said, holding the shard to his wrist. He wasn’t going to do it though. He was not going to do it.

Nope. He was not going to erase years of progress just because he was feeling just a little stressed. The pressure was nothing he hadn’t dealt with before. But he needed the itch scratched. It was going to happen soon anyway. Josh couldn’t help him.

No one could. 

“Oh fuck it.” He was shaking violently. He was going to do it. He needed to feel something. They should have never tried to do this. Tyler couldn’t handle another second of feeling so scared and unsure that he became numb. He pressed the glass harder against his wrist. 

Anything to just feel something other than stress.

He was a coward. He couldn’t do it no matter how badly he wanted to. Tyler just needed to pull the trigger. He wanted to see his sinful blood stain the carpet. He was about to do the motion when he saw a figure pop above him.

“Tyler.” 

He jumped. He could never get used to that. He threw the shard across the room. 

“What?” Tyler huffed, “I wasn’t going to do anything.” 

Josh was standing in front of him with a blank stare. He didn’t seem angry, just worried. Tyler should have known better than to have said his thoughts out loud. He knew somehow Josh could hear him if he tried hard enough.

“I know. I just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Josh sat next to Tyler on the floor. 

“I’m almost done, I swear.” 

“I know. I heard from your mom that you’ve been making some interesting noises down here.” Josh smiled, “Noises that I get to hear often.”

Tyler smacked his arm playfully, “They were not made to sound like that.” He hated that Josh made him smile even when he was miserable. He hated that Josh was able to make him stop thinking about doing something stupid. 

“I can’t wait to hear them.” Josh smiled, “I just came here to check on you. You’ve been gone most of the night. I think you need to take a break and come home to sleep for a few hours.” 

“No. I have five songs left to finalize. And I have five days to do it. I have to get this done, Josh. Even then, I hate some of it. No one is even going to like this. I’m only doing this album so we have actual songs to perform at shows.” Tyler started to ramble. 

“I think you need to stop for tonight before you crash out. Let me help you clean up this glass on the floor.” Josh stood up, “is there a broom in the basement?” 

“No. I got it, it’s fine.” Tyler shook his head, “I’ve cleaned up plenty of glass with my hands before.” He wished Josh would go away. Tyler didn’t like to work on this with him around. He got too distracted. Tyler would have to edit a track, but he would just stare at Josh’s arms or his lips and it would make him short circuit. 

Tyler got on his knees and started to pick up individual shards. Josh joined him without another word. They silently cleaned up the mess and Josh tossed the remains into the small trash can. Tyler stayed on his knees and sighed. He should listen to Josh. He wasn’t even able to stand up because he was over tired. 

“How about this.” Josh said, helping Tyler to stand up, “you have four hours before you need to get up for work. I’ll take you home, give you a kiss, and then use my abilities to make you sleep?” 

“Josh. I could be using those four hours to get work done. The faster I just make myself do this, the faster I’ll be done. I just need to suffer for a few more days and then I promise I’ll let you knock me out for two days straight.” 

“You’re straining yourself. And it’s making you grumpy.” Josh said, “you just smashed a clock.”

“It was pissing me off.” Tyler swayed a bit as he stood. He was barely functioning. 

“If you try to do anything right now, you’re going to mess it up. You can work on it tomorrow night after work, okay? We can walk to Taco Bell for dinner. But only if you go to sleep.” Josh held on to Tyler’s shoulder so he wouldn’t fall. 

“What are you, my dad?” Tyler asked. 

“If you want me to be.”

Tyler laughed at that, “Josh, you’re stupid.” 

“And you’re overtired.” Josh laughed back. He teleported them back to Tyler’s bedroom. He could never ever get used to that feeling. It felt like he was jelly being spread on toast. And then when they materialized into their destination his legs felt like ramen noodles. 

“I hate that you did that.” Tyler huffed. 

“On the bed.” Josh pointed. 

“This is like that time I was drunk.” Tyler almost slurred his words. It wasn’t until he was so close to his bed that he started to get dangerously overtired. 

“Yes. And you’re acting similar too.” Josh helped Tyler strip down to his boxers and then did the same. 

“But this time we’re in love. So I can kiss you and it’s not weird.” Tyler smiled and let himself fall on to the bed. Josh helped him adjust so that his head was resting on the pillow. 

“Do you want a kiss before I knock you out?” Josh asked. 

“I’ll never say no.” He nodded. Josh leaned over and pressed their lips together. Tyler kissed back but didn’t let it go very far. He didn’t want to risk anything else happening. He knew Josh would knock him out anyway. 

Tyler got comfortable in the blankets. He pressed himself against Josh. His skin was nice and toasty, the way Tyler liked it when they were in bed together. He wrapped one leg around Josh’s body and pressed his head against his shoulder.  

“I’m giving you permission to knock me out. I can’t walk back to my parents house so there’s no point in fighting.” Tyler again, muffled by Josh’s skin. 

Tyler was out within seconds.

—-

“It’s done. It’s done. It’s done. That’s it. That’s it. I can’t touch it anymore.” Tyler picked his hands up and walked away from his chair, “I submitted it. Anything else that’s wrong with it, it’s too late.” 

Josh grinned, “You have no idea how proud I am of you.” 

Tyler had allowed Josh to sit in for his last editing session. All he had left to do anyway was finish some designs. He had someone design the cover, and he worked on the final logo and insert. Tyler was proud of the logo he came up with. It was easily recognizable and it was a symbol that meant a lot to him. 

It was April third, and Tyler was going to submit the album the next day. 

“I’m so anxious about it.” Tyler admitted to Josh. He walked over and stood in front of him. He was sitting on the couch, his legs spread out comfortable. 

“You’re anxious about a lot of things.” Josh smiled, “This one you have every right to be anxious about.”

Tyler sat on Josh’s lap. Josh scooted up so that Tyler had the room to wrap his legs around him. This was their usual cuddle position. Something about being able to press his body against Josh made him happy. 

“You’re shaking.” Josh rubbed his back. He made his body warm. Tyler felt the heat on his chest and it helped. Tyler loved him so much. 

“Now that you finished it, you need to take a few days. We don’t have another show until Saturday. It’s Thursday. Take tomorrow off of work” Josh softly moved his hand to Tyler’s cheek. 

“No. I haven’t folded the bulletins for Sunday yet.” Tyler sighed. 

“I’ll do it then.” 

“Josh…” Tyler wouldn’t be able to relax. Why take a day off work and waste one of his sick days? 

“Tyler. Seriously. Give yourself a break. You’re shaking. I’m sure your head is still racing.” Josh ran his thumb across his cheek. 

“I’m okay. I promise. I just.” He was still shaking with disbelief. He felt unbelievably manic, like he could rip his skin off. If Josh wasn’t in his life, he probably would. But if Josh wasn’t there, he wouldn’t have the stress of making an album anyway. He’d be nothing without him. 

Tyler needed a release. He needed to feel something. Right now, he felt nothing and everything at the same time.

“You just what?” Josh asked. 

“I just need a few minutes. I feel insane right now. And I’m not even joking.” 

“Is it anything I can help with?” Josh asked. 

“Maybe. Can you distract me?” Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. 

“Mm? Distract you how?” Tyler couldn’t see the smirk on Josh’s face, but he knew it was there. 

Tyler picked his head up, “I wasn’t even thinking like that. Your mind is in the gutter, freak.” 

“I didn’t say anything!” Josh laughed, “But…”

Tyler sighed, “Yeah. Yeah. I could use a good distraction.” He pressed his lips against Josh’s. They kissed gently at first. Tyler’s body was still shaking.

“Let’s change positions.” Josh pulled away from the kiss. 

“Wait. I don’t want to have sex here. I don’t want to risk my parents to hear. If they heard me recording, they’re going to hear us.” Tyler said quietly, “I don’t want to have to be quiet.”

Josh moved his hands down to Tyler’s ass, “Fair enough. But Mark is home. And it’s two in the morning.” 

“Yeah and I don’t just want to do hand stuff. So.” Tyler pouted, “We have to come up with a solution because I need all of you right now.” Tyler sat up and put his hands on Josh’s shoulders. He moaned slightly as he started to grind against him. 

“I have an idea. But you’re not going to like it.” Josh said after a moment. 

“Wh-?” Tyler furrowed his brow.

“There’s one place that’s empty right now. And I know for sure no one is there. And it might be a bit sacrilegious…” 

“No. Nope. Nope. No way.” Tyler rapidly shook his head, “If we were found out, we’d be fired. And I’d be killed. The cameras would see us.” 

“Would anyone find out though?” 

“Yes. The cameras would see us coming in.” Tyler rolled his eyes. 

“There’s one room without cameras.” 

“Josh.” Tyler got off of him. 

“Tyler.” Josh unbuttoned his pants, probably to relieve any strain his cock would be giving him. 

“I’m-“ Tyler couldn’t believe it. Why did the idea of fucking in his boss’s office excite Tyler so much? He felt embarrassed by it. Something was deeply wrong with him. He couldn’t tell if this idea made him more anxious or if it distracted him just enough. 

“I’m not going to try to convince you to do anything you don’t want to do.” Josh defensively put his hands up. Tyler glanced down at the bulge that was sticking up from his unzipped pants. He palmed it as he stared Tyler in the eyes. He licked his lips and got on his knees within seconds. 

“Good boy.” Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s short hair. Tyler could have imploded on the spot. 

He took Josh’s cock out and licked from the base all the way to the tip. He swirled his tongue around, locking eyes with Josh as he did. He then closed his eyes as he took Josh in his mouth. He never thought he’d enjoy sucking cock the way he did. But it was Josh. It didn’t matter what was attached to him. Josh could have been shaped like a Ken doll and he’d still find a way to let Josh unravel him. 

Josh held on to his hair tightly, “You’re so good.” He said quietly with a moan. Tyler hummed in response and gripped Josh’s thighs. 

“Can I?” Josh asked with a harsh breath. 

Tyler pulled up for a second so that he could nod. Josh guided his head back down and bucked his hips up. His cock was all the way down Tyler’s throat - making him gag. Josh didn’t stop. He bucked his hips up into his mouth. Tyler’s eyes were watering heavily as he was getting fucked in the mouth. He was blissed out. He let the pain in his throat distract him from the fact he just submitted an album to be printed. 

He could not let those thoughts seep into his brain. Not while Josh was shoving his cock down his throat. 

Tyler let his own hand slip down to his pants. He needed Josh.

“Fuck. We have to stop. I can’t cum here. I’m going to knock your parents' electricity out and they’re going to come down here to check the breaker.” Josh panted and pulled Tyler’s head up. 

Tyler pouted, “It’s too early. They won’t wake up.” 

“I don’t want to risk it.” 

“Fine. Let’s go to the Pastor's office. He’s got a couch.” 

“If we’re fucking in Pastor’s office, we’re doing it on the desk.” Josh licked his lips. Tyler shivered at the idea. It thrilled him. 

Josh teleported them directly into Pastor’s office. It was a clean room, with a desk, couch, and a few shelves full of books and Knick knacks. There was also a giant full body sized mirror that Pastor used to make sure his robes looked neat.

Josh moved them right next to the mirror, “On your knees.”  

Tyler does what he says without another thought. Josh took his cock back out and shoved it into Tyler’s open mouth. He doesn’t waste any time getting back into the rhythm they had before. Tyler can hear Josh moan and give him words of encouragement. 

“So good for me. Take it. Fuck. You’re mine, Tyler.” Josh tugged harder on his hair as he completely destroyed his mouth. 

He glanced into the mirror next to them. In a blur, he saw what was happening between them. Josh’s rapid motions made it hard to see. Tyler couldn’t recognize himself like this. He wasn’t a person. He was an object. A breakable object that needed to be smashed. 

He couldn’t think like this during sex. He needed to ignore all bad thoughts. 

Tyler closed his eyes again and let Josh take his mouth. Drool and spit was trailing down his mouth and chin. 

It was only a few minutes before he felt Josh cum straight down his throat. Josh pulled his hips back and watched the spit drag from his cock. Tyler looked in the mirror again. His face was covered in tears and sweat. He wiped his eyes. 

As usual, the electricity in the room had short circuited, leaving the room completely dark. They were used to that by now. Josh had managed to confine it into just a room, but there was no way to avoid it completely. Tyler wasn’t sure what Josh was, but he knew whatever it was, was too powerful to avoid. Josh claimed he had it under control except during climax. It was his body's natural reaction to the feeling. 

“You’re so hot.” Josh said, getting on his own knees so he could be at Tyler’s level. Tyler kissed him. 

“I’m going to need a second.” Tyler said with a breathy laugh. 

“Want me to jerk you off to help with any nerves?” Josh asked. 

“No. It’s not the nerves. You just fucked my mouth, I need a quick reset.” Tyler shook his head. Josh scooted forward and wrapped his arms around Tyler. He leaned into the hug and pressed his face on Josh’s shoulders. 

“We can take a break.” Josh said. 

“No. God I do not need a break. I just need a second. I still want you to demolish me.” Tyler laughed. 

Josh smiled and rubbed his back, “You’re so much. I love you.” 

“I love you too.” Tyler sighed, “You always know how to make me feel better.” 

“You have no idea.” Josh teased. Tyler didn’t know what he meant by that, so he ignored it. 

“I’m okay now. Help me up.” Tyler waited for Josh to stand up and then held his arms up. Josh pulled him up into a hug. 

“I love you.” Josh said to him again. Josh was constantly saying it to Tyler, especially during his vulnerable moments. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh in response and sighed into his neck.

“I love you.” Tyler said, “But we just said this two seconds ago.” 

“I can’t say it enough.” Josh shook his head. 

“We have to stop being soft right now, Josh.” Tyler traced the lines on Josh’s back, “I am not in the soft mood.” 

“Oh yeah?” Josh smirked. 

“Yeah.” Tyler couldn’t handle being held. It gave him time to think about the fact that he had submitted his record to be printed. What if he made a mistake? There was no record company or anyone to spot them. He could have put out the worst record in the world. He didn’t even make Josh listen to it to check. He would probably sell no copies since no one actually cared about his music. 

Tyler hated the moments where he wasn’t distracted or in pain. 

He needed the pain to remind him it was okay. He needed it to knock some sense into him; to remind him he was alive. Tyler had to feel something and Josh was going to give that to him. 

“Where do you want me?” Tyler asked and pulled away. He had a blank stare on his face that he prayed Josh wouldn’t notice. He was starting to shut down. The pressure was overweight. He was stuck at the bottom of the ocean with no shore in sight. 

What Tyler wouldn’t give to just have one day of peace. 

“On the desk.” Josh led him over. Tyler took his pants and boxes off.  Josh picked Tyler up so he was sitting on the top.  He rested his hands behind him so he could sit up. Pastor Keons kept a clean desk, so there was nothing of value on it, giving Tyler plenty of room. 

Tyler closed his eyes, “Take charge of me. Use me however you want.” 

Josh let out a moan that would have driven Tyler insane if he was in his right mind. Josh spread Tyler’s legs. 

“I forgot the lube.” 

“Don’t bother. I don’t care.” Tyler breathed. 

“I’m not an idiot. I am not going to hurt you like that. I’ll be right back.” Josh disappeared. Tyler frowned at the loss. He didn't want to be left alone in his thoughts, even if it was for a moment. He darted his eyes away from Pastor’s scissors in his utensil cup. That was not something Tyler should have been thinking about. He was going to start shaking again, and Josh would want to stop. Tyler didn’t want to stop. 

Josh came back a couple seconds later. Tyler sighed in relief. 

“Now fuck me.” Tyler tugged on Josh’s shirt to pull him close. 

“Of course.” Josh pulled Tyler into a kiss. Tyler shoved his tongue right into Josh’s throat without hesitation. Josh matched his energy and got in between Tyler’s legs. 

Josh poured lube on his fingers and shoved two inside Tyler. They had sex so often that Josh probably did not need to do that, but Tyler embraced it. He let out a moan as Josh pumped his fingers rapidly. This is what Tyler needed. Focus on Josh. Focus on only Josh and nothing else. He could not allow Josh to see through him like he often did. 

“Fuck. You’re opening up so good for me. Good.” Josh breathed into his ear, “I can’t wait to feel you. Fuck, Tyler.” 

“Take me. Please,” Tyler practically begged. 

“Be patient.” Josh ran his other hand up Tyler’s chest, “Or I won’t fuck you. I’m in control here.” 

Tyler moaned at the last sentence, “You’re in control.” 

“That’s right.” Josh slipped in a third finger and increased his speed. Tyler was practically shaking underneath him. He needed more. He was being patient but it was digging at him. 

“Taking my fingers so well. Fuck. I bet my cock is going to slip right in.” Josh let out a breathy laugh. 

“Please.” Tyler started moving his hips with Josh’s fingers. 

“If you insist.” Josh pulled his fingers out. He wiped them on his shirt and grabbed the lube again. Tyler watched intently as Josh lathered up his cock. He could never get used to the feeling of Josh inside him. It was so special and new still. Tyler hoped he would be able to feel it for the rest of his life. 

Suddenly, he started to get worried about telling his family. How long could they keep this up without anyone knowing? They were too close with Zack on Valentine’s Day, but managed to slip through the cracks. 

How long could Tyler handle the secrecy and running around?

Most likely not for very much longer. Tyler was about to break. He wasn’t sure in which direction yet. 

Tyler needed to focus back on Josh. He couldn’t let his mind wander. Josh pushed inside of him, causing Tyler to gasp. He leaned his head back. Josh kept himself still once he was all the way in. 

“Fuck.” Josh groaned, “You take me just like a good whore.” 

“I’m yours.” Tyler breathed. 

Josh started to move at a steady pace. His movements were slow but rough. He would pull almost all the way out, and then snap harshly back in. This is what Tyler wanted. He wanted to be unraveled and treated like a piece of meat. Josh put both hands on Tyler’s hips to steady him on the desk. 

“This is so fucked up, isn’t it? I’m deep inside of you in our boss’s office.” Josh dug his nails into him, “In a church, mind you. This is God's house and look at you taking my cock like it’s nothing.” 

Tyler was almost taken aback by that sentence. If his theory that Josh was an angel was correct, this would make it so much worse. Fucking another man in a church? It probably went against so many rules. It was morally incorrect and almost disgusting. But Tyler didn’t care if Josh’s cock was inside him. 

Tyler didn’t say anything in response. He just let out another whine and tried to find anything on the desk to hold on to for stability. Josh noticed this and slid Tyler down so that he could grip the edge of the desk. 

“Josh.” Tyler moaned, “Can you…fuck.” 

Tyler needed it. He couldn’t help it anymore. He couldn’t stop himself. 

“Can I what ?” Josh hummed and didn’t stop his movements. He made his thrusts faster. Tyler was barely able to keep himself stable. He wanted to collapse on the desk. 

“Choke me. Put your hands around my neck. Keep me stable.”  

“Tyler, I -“ 

“You can. I promise you. I will be okay. I will let you know if it’s too much.” Tyler begged, “I’ve been wanting this for so long.” 

Josh hesitantly kept one hand on Tyler’s hip and slid the other one right up to his neck. Tyler gasped and moaned at the feeling. When he felt Josh squeeze, he almost came on the spot.

“Burn me. Do it. Please.” Tyler could barely speak. 

And then Josh used his heat. 

Tyler gasped and winced at the pain. 

Josh stopped and slightly released his hand. 

“No. No. Don’t stop. Fuck. Don’t stop Josh.” Tyler moaned loudly. 

Josh resisted for another moment and heated his hand up again. He pressed harder against Tyler’s neck. Any normal person would have jumped away crying. But Tyler loved the thrill. He needed that pain to remind him he was alive. 

This is what he wanted. Who cared about bad intentions? 

“Harder. Take my breath away.” Tyler barely manages to say. He can’t breathe. He’s coughing out moans. His body was overstimulated with both Josh’s cock and the hand burning his neck. 

Josh didn’t say anything in response. Tyler peeked his eyes open and saw that Josh’s eyes were lit up. Not blindingly, but with intent. It was like he was showing his soul to Tyler. To Josh, this was a sign of trust and love. He was marking Tyler in a way no one else could. This hand print around his neck proved that Tyler belonged to him and him only. 

Tyler almost felt bad for using Josh like this. 

Tyler couldn’t breathe. He would pass out if he allowed Josh to continue. He didn’t care. He didn’t care. He didn’t care. He needed this. If he died by Josh’s hands, he would be blessed. 

“Tyler. Fuck. You’re mine.” Josh moaned, “I’m close. Gonna cum inside you. Fuck.” His grip on Tyler somehow got tighter and hotter. Tyler stopped breathing and the pain was immeasurable. Was Tyler about to die?

Tyler even blacked out for a moment, but woke up quickly again. 

“P-Please…” Tyler’s voice was raspy. Josh moved his other hand from Tyler’s hip and wrapped it around Tyler’s cock. He gasped at the touch. He knew it wouldn’t be long before he came as well. The feeling on his neck mixed with the touch of Josh’s hand was enough to send him over the edge. 

Tyler was probably going to die. 

Finally. 

“I’m so close. I’m. Fuck.” Josh let out another low grunt as he pressed one more deep thrust. His hand hesitated again and Tyler could slightly breathe again. Tyler could see the lights outside flicker rapidly as Josh came inside him. He jerked Tyler off faster until he was melting and cumming in Josh’s hands. 

Josh removed his hand from Tyler’s neck. Tyler let out a loud breath. It felt good to breathe again, but he missed the burning sensation. He didn’t realize how much pain he was in until Josh had stopped. He felt like his head was about to slide off. Tyler just knew that his skin must have been close to peeling off. 

The pain was so unbearable he might as well have died on the spot. He probably was dying. 

Josh pulled out. Tyler couldn’t read his face as Josh looked him up and down. Tyler felt the cum leak out of him and spill onto the desk. He felt stuck, like he couldn’t get up. His body was starting to shut down. 

He glanced over at the mirror. He was in perfect shot. His neck had basically been destroyed. The skin was turning black from the burns. He couldn’t recognize himself. 

Something about the sight of the burnt up black neck that Josh had given him made him so uneasy. Not because of the pain. The pain was so overwhelming that it didn’t feel real. But he knew he made Josh do this for the wrong reasons. It was Tyler’s fault. This blackened skin did nothing but show him how insecure he was within himself.

He was stressed out. He was so overwhelmed he needed the closest thing to a blade and he used Josh for that. He let his insecurities and anxiety over his music take over his brain and he used Josh to make him feel something. 

Tyler couldn’t stop the tears from forming in his eyes. 

Tyler was a bad person. 

Or maybe he was just sleep deprived and drunk off the pressure of everything around him. 

“I’m so sorry. I got too carried away. I’ll heal it. I’ll heal it. I’m so sorry, Tyler. I’m so sorry” Josh gently placed his hand over Tyler’s neck. He felt the pain melt away. Josh moved back a moment and gave Tyler a moment to breathe to himself. 

He naturally sighed in relief, but started to cry harder. 

He slid off the desk and got on to the floor. He shoved his face in his hands as he sobbed. Josh got down next to him and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. 

“Please. Don’t touch me.” Tyler rapidly shook his head. 

“I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you. Something got over me. I don’t know.” Tyler could hear Josh’s voice shaking. This wasn’t his fault. This wasn’t Josh’s fault at all. He had done nothing wrong. He just thought they were being kinky, but they weren’t. Tyler used him.

Tyler didn’t speak. He was shutting down. He wanted to be left alone. He couldn’t be trusted to be left alone. Josh didn’t say anything either. He sat next to Tyler, leaving him alone as he cried. 

He couldn’t get it to stop. He must have been crying for ten minutes straight. Josh was being respectful and allowing him to let it out. He had forgotten all about why he was originally anxious that day. Now he was just worried that he upset Josh with his stupid actions.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler said blankly after he finally managed to stop crying. 

“What do you have to be sorry about?” Josh said as softly as he could. Tyler could tell Josh  was trying hard to keep it together. 

“I-“ Tyler stopped himself, “wanted you to hurt me.” He admitted. He remembered that Josh said that they couldn't keep secrets from each other. Josh had always been so honest with him, so he needed to do the same. 

“Isn’t that the point of consensual kink?” Josh asked. 

“No. That’s not what I mean. I wanted you to hurt me because I can’t do it to myself.” Tyler looked up into Josh’s eyes. The look on Josh’s face after he had said that made his tears form again. 

“Oh.” 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry..” Tyler said between his cries. He couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t stop crying. 

“It’s okay.” Josh said without much emotion to it. 

“Are you mad at me?” Tyler asked. 

“No.”

“Are you sure?” Tyler wiped his eyes. Josh didn’t say anything for a long time. Tyler hoped it was just because of shock. He didn’t want to disappoint Josh, but he couldn’t keep the reason for his tears a secret. 

“Yeah.” 

“Okay…” Tyler folded into himself. He was still half naked and exposed. He couldn’t handle Josh being mad at him for this. He was just being honest. 

They were silent again. This was not a comfortable silence. It was unbearable. They fought often - but this was not a fight. This was worse. Tyler had let Josh down. Tyler sniffled and picked his head up to look at Josh again. 

“I know that look on your face.” Josh leaned forward and wiped the tears from Tyler’s eyes.

“I don’t have a look.” 

“Tyler.” 

“Josh.”

“I love you. I’m just…” Josh shook his head, “let’s get you back home so you can get into pajamas and go to sleep. And you are staying home from work. If I have to tie you down to make you stay home, I will.”

“I didn’t want to keep a secret from you.” Tyler 

“Doesn’t mean it can’t upset me. Sex is sacred. It’s a way for us to connect. You broke that trust.” Josh sighed and touched his shoulder.

Tyler was in his room within seconds.

He told Josh to go on the couch that night so he would have a moment to himself. Josh refused and got into their bed. This was the biggest negative of being a person who was dangerous to himself. 

Once you did something stupid once, people didn’t trust you. Josh knew everything about his past with self harm. He didn’t blame Josh for being suspicious of him since Tyler had already done his stupid thing of the night. He just wanted to cry in peace.

Tyler stood over Josh and stared down at him from the edge of the bed.

“How can you want to be in a bed with me after that?”

“Because I love you.” Josh opened the covers next to him, “Get in. I don’t want to have to pull you down.” 

Tyler shook his head, “I don’t deserve it. Just leave me now and get it over with.”

“Don’t start with that, please.” Josh patted the bed. Tyler begrudgingly crawled in. He laid on his side, facing away from Josh. He scooted over and pressed his body against Tyler. He instinctively pressed back. 

Josh softly put his hand on Tyler’s neck and felt the skin, “Please don’t ever do that again.” He said. 

“I won’t.” Tyler lied. 

“I’m going to keep you to that.”

He couldn’t allow himself to cry. He couldn’t. Not again. 

“Can you knock me out?” Tyler asked, “And text pastor that I’m staying home today?”

“Of course.” Josh pressed soft kisses against Tyler’s neck. 

He was out within seconds. 

—-

“And I told him, that if he wants to plant any of his flowers, they need to be on his side of the property.” His dad laughed, “I don’t mind flowers, but I have my own ideas of what I want my lawn to look like.”

Tyler forced a laugh, “That’s crazy…” 

He was still unable to focus after everything that had happened hours before. He couldn’t get the imagery out of his mind. It had been an awful moment, but he wanted to see what he looked like from a fresh set of eyes. Why was the idea of his neck being black, claimed, and covered so thrilling to him? It made him feel so insecure but free at the same time. 

It was so traumatic and horrible but all it was doing now was inspiring him for…something?

He could work with that. 

Tyler could feel Zack’s eyes burning into him as he spoke. It was like this fairly often now. Tyler just clocked it up to him being impatient to hear their song they did together. 

Or maybe because Tyler had also been staring into space aimed directly at Zack. He had been avoiding Josh’s eyes. They had a fight again once Tyler had woken up. It was Tyler’s fault as usual. He just couldn’t stop apologizing to Josh for what he did. And Josh didn’t want to hear it anymore. 

So they gave each other the silent treatment for the most part. 

They were having dinner at Tyler’s parents house to celebrate Tyler finishing the album on time. He had sent it to the CD printer to get two-hundred copies. Tyler’s mom made him his favorite meal so they could celebrate. 

“So Josh.” Zack said, “How much longer are you going to be living with Tyler?” 

“I don’t know. Probably forever at this point.” Josh shrugged. 

“Why? Because you’re dating?” Zack huffed. 

“That’s enough of the jokes like that.” Tyler’s dad frowned, “Zack, it’s inappropriate.”

Tyler frowned. He knew Zack always made jokes like that, but he still felt the anxiety. He was still on edge from the morning. 

“I know. I’m sorry. I can’t help it sometimes.” Zack shrugged, “Not that there would be anything wrong with them dating, right? We gotta get with the time. Gay people can do whatever freaky things they-” 

“Zack. Enough.” His dad put his fork down, “I said I do not want to hear it. Was I joking?” Tyler was reminded why he was scared to tell his family. His mother would be fine. His siblings would be fine. Even his dad would be fine. But his family would never look at him the same again. He’d know in the back of their mind they’d be disappointed.

Tyler wanted to hold Josh’s hand. He couldn’t do this for much longer. He couldn’t handle Josh’s cold looks, which was why he was avoiding them. He had messed up so badly that even his boyfriend didn’t want to see him. Josh would never say it, but Tyler knew. 

He didn’t care if Zack was teasing him. He always did. But his dad talking back to Zack is what sent him on the edge. He didn’t want his parents to be aware of the idea of them being together. 

He couldn’t handle that. 

Maybe he should just die. 

It would be better than disappointing everyone. 

Chapter Text

“Sorry. Sorry. I’ll stop.” Zack glanced at Tyler, “I don’t want to upset anyone. Not on Tyler’s special release day.” 

“Thank you.” His dad nodded. Of course their dad was upset with his jokes. He didn’t know the truth. He always defended Tyler. Where was he when people were making fun of him?

At that point, Zack mainly made fun of the pair to deflect any real suspicion. No one suspected they were together anyway. Tyler was weird with all of his friends, and Josh just seemed like a normal ”nice boy.” Zack just didn’t want anyone to think Tyler was gay. But it was certainly leverage he could use against Tyler if he needed to. 

“Are we going to get a copy of the album when you get them in?” Maddy asked Tyler. 

“Yeah.” Tyler smiled. There was some sort of dead look in Tyler’s eyes. Something had to have happened between the two of them that day. Josh and Tyler were always ogling each other. Trouble in paradise? 

“I’m sure you’re excited too Josh, seeing as Tyler did most of the work. Now you just get to go out and perform.” Zack said to Josh. 

“I am excited. Tyler worked really hard and I think it’s going to pay off.” Josh smiled. But he didn’t smile at Tyler like he usually did. He smiled at nothing. 

Zack was so sick of it. He was sick of being nice to him.. He was sick of Josh . So. So. So. So. Sick of what Josh had turned his brother into. Tyler was fine, maybe a bit quirky, but he was fine before Josh came into their life. Now he was weirder than ever and clearly more mentally ill. Josh pretended to be so nice to everyone but Zack saw through him. 

There was something else going on with Josh. 

“Do you have any more shows coming up?” His mom asked Josh. 

“We have a lot, actually.” Josh nodded, “We had to stop doing our every Saturday shows because we keep getting booked at bigger venues. One of our shows we have coming up to celebrate our album in a week has a capacity of six hundred.” 

“Not that we’re going to get that many people to actually show up.” Tyler mumbled. 

“I’m sure people will come.” Jay said, “You’ve had a few sold out shows recently, right?” 

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded. His voice was quiet. It was an exciting day and this idiot was acting like his childhood horse had been shot. Why the fuck was he acting like that? 

Zack shot glares at Josh. He either didn’t pick up on the looks, or purposefully chose to ignore them. 

“And I expect our next one to be sold out too. I’ve heard that we’ve already sold about three-fourths of the available tickets.” Josh said. 

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded. 

“I’m so proud of you boys.” Their mom grinned, “only a few months ago you guys were just performing for our church. And then Josh joined the band and that’s what really made you guys shine. You two work so well together.” 

Oh Zack knew they worked so well together alright. It made him sick just thinking about it. 

“I’m just glad Josh didn’t turn out to be some married stalker weirdo, right?” Zack looked over at Josh again, “I guess forgetting everything about yourself and starting a new life worked out for you?” 

“Yeah. It did, actually.” Josh shrugged, “I’m happy to have met you guys and I’m doing great right now.” 

Zack knew that Josh was patronizing him.

“Don’t you worry that you’re abandoning people who really need you?” Zack put his fork down. 

“Tyler really needs me.” 

“Does he?” 

“I don’t know what you meant by that.” Josh furrowed his brows.

“I think you of all people know what I meant by that, Joshua. One day, you’re going to find out you abandoned a family just for some guy and you won’t even care. Do you even have memory loss? Or are you just using it as an excuse to take advantage of people’s kindness?” Once he started, he wasn’t able to stop.

“If I were you, I would shut our mouth now.” Jay said quietly to Zack.

“Maybe you just saw Tyler as someone who would take you in and give you whatever you wanted him to. And I mean whatever. Isn’t that right, Josh?” Zack regretted the words as soon as he spoke them. He needed to leave Tyler out of this. He knew his brother was too sensitive and he was going to take it the wrong way.

Tyler got up out of his chair and left the room without saying a single word. He did the thing that Zack hated where he quickly walked into a room and slammed the door. He went into the basement, since that was always his room of choice. 

“Zackary Joseph.” His father stood up and pushed the table forward as he did, “Why would you say something like that?"

“I said nothing wrong. I’ll stick by that. Make me go to my room like a teenager if you want to. I’m sick of it.” 

“You’re causing a scene in what is supposed to be Tyler and Josh’s night. Don’t you forget that he included you in this too. You need to be grateful.” His father stayed standing, towering over Zack who refused to get up. 

All of his siblings were silent. 

“I’m going to go check on him.” Josh said as he got up. The room was quiet for a solid two minutes once Josh left. Zack hated that Josh had to ruin the night. He wouldn’t take any responsibility for it. If Josh hadn’t treated him as a lesser person, he wouldn’t have gotten so frustrated.

“Of course you are.” Zack rolled his eyes and got up as well, “I’m going to my room. I can’t deal with this anymore.” He didn’t go to his room. He waited until it was appropriate enough timing and walked to the basement door. He pressed his ear against the door. He could hear them well enough.

“He’s going to tell everyone. He can’t keep a secret.” Tyler was crying. 

“He won’t.” Josh said. 

“How can you be so sure? Have you talked to him about this without telling me? How long have you known that he knew?” 

“No? I haven’t spoken to him once without you around. I don’t actively try to speak to him. I didn’t know whether he knew or not, I just assumed based on how he was talking to me.”

“Do you think he’s known since Valentine's Day? Why wouldn’t he say anything to me?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he was trying to be cruel?” 

“I know he can be a lot, but he’s my brother. We grew up together. He has his faults but he’s a good guy. I don’t know why he wouldn’t at least say something to me.”

“You can’t keep defending him like this. He’s been acting like this for years.”

Years? Josh had only been in their life for a few months. How did Tyler not pick up on that?

“No he hasn’t.” 

“Yes he- It doesn’t matter what I say about him. So I’m just not going to say it.”

“Okay.” 

They were silent after that. Zack hoped it was an angry silence and not a gross silence. 

“Do you think he’s disappointed in me?”

“I don’t know.” Josh let out an audible sigh. 

Zack could punch him. Zack assumed Tyler knew he knew as well. He just thought they were avoiding the question because it was uncomfortable. Zack didn’t want to know about his relationship. He wished he had never learned anything. 

“I don’t know what goes on in his brain.” He heard Josh say softer, “I don’t really think anyone is disappointed in you. We’re all proud of you, especially me. I’ve seen you grow so much since I met you. I am with you until the end, Tyler.”

Zack could barf. He should have left.

“Even after this morning?” Tyler stopped crying. The tone of his voice was sadder than Zack was used to hearing. Whatever happened that morning must have been what was making them angry with each other. 

“Yes.”

“Okay. Did I disappoint you?”

Josh didn’t say anything for a moment. 

“Yes.” 

Tyler started to cry again. Zack couldn’t hear any of it anymore. He walked away and actually went into his bedroom. He laid on his bed and scrolled through his phone and tried to get the conversation out of his head. 

There was a knock on his door after a while. 

“It’s open.” Zack said, putting his phone on his chest and looking up to see who opened the door. 

“Hey.” It was Tyler. Josh was with him too, because why not. They were basically one person now. 

“Hey.” Zack said.

“I’m sorry for running off like that.” Tyler said. Josh was leaning against the doorframe as Tyler entered the room and sat on Zack’s bed. 

“No worries.” Zack shrugged. He was not going to apologize because he was telling the truth. He appreciated Tyler’s apology. He locked eyes with Josh and they were saying the same thing to each other through them. 

“I’m uhm.” Tyler looked back to Josh, “not…doing too great right now.” 

“I can tell.” Zack sat up. 

“It’s been a long day. And I just don’t. I don’t…” Tyler sighed.

“Does he need to be here for this?” Zack looked at Josh, “I haven’t been able to spend any time with my brother alone.” 

“I want him here.” Tyler glanced over at Josh as well. 

“Well. I don’t really want him here right now.” Zack mumbled, “But whatever you wish. It is your night, Tyler.”

“Why are you being like this?” Tyler asked.

“Like what?” Zack frowned, “I didn’t realize I was being anything. Are you that far up your own ass right now? I noticed that all we’ve talked about is your album and Josh . Do you even care about the fact I’m on this album too? Am I ever going to do a show with you guys, or was I just on the album for pity points?”

“You’re on the album because you’re my brother and I love you.” Tyler started to tear up. Zack couldn’t roll his eyes, but he wanted to. Tyler had turned into such a girl.

“I love you too, dude. But you’ve been a real downer today. We said it’s your day. You should be happy about it.” 

“I-” Tyler started. He looked over at Josh and then stopped himself.

“What?” Zack asked. He was getting more and more frustrated as Tyler spoke. He knew he was holding something back since Josh was there with him. He glanced at Josh for a brief second to show his contempt. 

“Nothing. I’m sorry.” Tyler backed away, “I’m just a bit nervous about my album releasing and it’s making me feel just a bit nervous.”

“Oh. I thought you were going to come out to me or something.” Zack laughed. 

“Oh. Yeah no.” Tyler faked a laugh. Zack knew Tyler enough to know when he was bullshitting. 

“You can come out to me if you want. You know I wouldn’t dare tell our parents. Or pastor. Pastor would flip if he found out. I don’t think he’d fire you or anything but you’d definitely get a firm talking to.” Zack shrugged, “but you’re not gay, so you’re good, right?” He wasn’t sure why those words were escaping his lips. He was just so pissed off at the sight of Josh that he couldn’t control himself. 

“We’re leaving.” Josh said. Did Zack strike another nerve?

“No.” Tyler shook his head, “I don’t know what you’re going on about Zack. I didn’t even come here to talk about anything like that. I just wanted to tell you how miserable I am. How I’ve been suicidal my entire life. But it’s clear to me that it doesn’t matter to you. What matters is using my relationship as a gotcha.” 

“You’re taking what I said out of context.” Zack said with a loud huff. He was done with the conversation and just wanted to be left alone. 

“Out of context? Tell me the context then.” Tyler was resting his nails on his arms, digging them into his forearm slightly. Zack wasn’t sure what that could be about. It was winter time so he couldn’t have any bug bites. 

“I’m just tired of you being controlled by your boyfriend over there. So I thought-“

“You thought. You thought .” Tyler interrupted. 

“Tyler. You’re-“

“You don’t know anything, Zack. You think you do. You act like you do. You’ve spent all night being jealous that for once I get to have a spotlight. That people might be excited for me. And you can’t handle that. So you’d gone and caused a scene.”

“I didn’t cause anything. You and Josh-“

Tyler interrupted him a third time, “I have Josh here so that I could have the courage to confront you. But it seems you don’t even have the maturity for that. Fuck you.” Tyler got up and walked away, leaving Josh alone with Zack.  

“What?” Zack frowned at him. 

“Don’t even ask that question.” Josh’s voice dropped a couple octaves, “You’re disgusting.”

“Yeah. And you’re a faggot.” Zack finished that sentence with a word he should have never used. But he hated Josh enough to say it.

“Mature. Fucking mature.” Josh sneered, “let Tyler hear you say that. I’m sure that will go over well. I don’t want to hear it again from you.”

“Oh. You’re so scary. I’m so scared.” Zack laughed, “I cannot believe you came here and ruined Tyler’s day. Or you ruined his life, at that. You should be ashamed of yourself. Maybe I should tell everyone to save Tyler the trouble of getting his heart ripped apart by you when you eventually tell him the truth.” 

“The truth?”

“That you have your memories. I noticed a few weeks ago. You don’t react the same when I mention it. And you have a different look on your face. You know something. Tyler doesn’t know and it’s eating you up inside, isn’t it? Wouldn’t you hate it if someone let that slip? ”

Josh didn’t respond to him right away. Josh took a deep breath, "you would not dare."

"Try me."

Zack was right. He was just saying that to piss him off. But he was right? Josh was hiding something. 

He had to tell Tyler. Zack had to save him from Josh. Zack couldn’t let him get away with this. He wasn’t scared of Josh. He was practically harmless, and Zack had this one thing over him that he could use as blackmail. Josh couldn’t touch him now.

Zack made his way back downstairs and felt the heat from his parent’s eyes. 

“I’m just getting water.” Zack mumbled.

“You’re a grown man. I’m not going to lecture you like a child.” His father said, “But you know what you’ve done. So I shouldn’t have to say anything.”

“Yeah, whatever.” 

“You can’t even look at me when I’m talking to you? Why are you acting like this? You never used to be like this, Zack. You used to support Tyler. You were so excited for his music. What is this about?” 

“Nothing.”

“You know how sensitive Tyler is. Josh and Tyler just left without saying anything to us. What did you say to them?” His mother asked. He hated when his mother defended Josh. She always did. It was as if she was the one in love with him, and not Tyler.  It made Zack sick. 

This whole situation made him sick. He wanted to go back to the good old days when Tyler was just Tyler. There was no Tyler and Josh. It used to be Tyler and Zack. They’d do everything together. Tyler never had time for him anymore with Josh and their stupid band. 

“Are you going to answer her?” His father stood up from his chair. Zack was filling up a mug with water from the sink as he ignored him. He didn’t feel like talking anymore. 

“Josh has done nothing wrong. He’s not perfect, but he’s been a positive light on Tyler’s life. I’ve never seen Tyler as happy as I have when I see him with Josh, even though they were fighting today.” His mother sighed, “I know you’re jealous of him.”

“I am not jealous of that faggot.” He said the word again. This time, in front of his father. He cupped his mouth when he said it. 

His father stood up from the chair and slapped Zack in the face. The noise from his hand rippled throughout the entire house. There was a bout of silence for a solid minute as the shock resonated throughout every family member. 

“I don’t care how old you are, or who you are. You do not use that word, especially not to describe someone like Josh. I don’t care what kind of relationship Josh and Tyler have. That’s none of our business. But that word is not welcome in our house. You better watch your act before you’re out on the street.” His father said through gritted teeth. 

“Whatever.” Zack touched his face lightly. He could not believe his own father would hit him. He had never laid a hand on any of his kids before. That just wasn’t like him. What did Zack do that was so wrong? Speak an opinion? He was an outsider in his own family. They were so supportive of the man who came to tear their family apart, but not their own son. 

He left his water on the counter and went up to his room. He passed by Maddy, who refused to even look at him. Whatever. 

Zack closed and locked the door to his room. No one would bother him anyway. Zack took his phone out and scrolled through a couple different social media apps. He watched some Netflix. He needed something to just distract himself from the entire night.  He started to feel the guilt crawl through his fingers to his arms. He should not have said anything. His brother was his best friend. Zack could feel him start to slip out of his fingers and that scared him. Without Tyler or his friends, who would he have left? 

He used the app he had on his phone to turn his lights off. It was two in the morning. Zack had to work in four hours, but he didn’t care anymore. He was too pissed off to sleep properly anyway. He just wanted Josh out of their life already. Zack knew it would happen eventually but he needed it to happen sooner. He put his phone on his chest as he stared up at the ceiling. 

Zack and Tyler used to stare at the ceiling together when they were kids and philosophize about all of life’s questions. They’d stay up all night and just talk. Zack missed that. Zack tried not to think too hard about it. He knew he needed to try for at least a few hours of sleep or else he would be extra cranky in the morning. 

The room was cloaked in darkness except for the pale glow of the moon creeping through the curtains. The light shifted as the trees outside his window swayed in a sudden burst of wind. He felt uneasy. Zack started to toss and turn, unable to shake the feeling that he wasn’t alone anymore. A cold draft swept over the room, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end.

Zack sat up and scanned the room with his eyes. The light from the moon was gone as the curtains shut on their own. The lingering dread in the pitch black room widened his pupils. He could feel the wind in the room. The shivers spread from his spine through his entire body. His eyes darted around the room. He had to see something, anything. It was as if he was blind.

In the corner, Zack could see a figure materialize. A shadow began to take shape, growing denser and more defined. 

He was blinded by a light so intense it could match up with the sun. It was an unnerving, otherworldly glow. As the light grew brighter, the shadows around him seemed to thicken, swallowing any sense of reality that he had left. 

It had to be sleep paralysis. This wasn’t real.

It wasn’t possible. 

“Zackary Phillip Joseph.” The figure said in a voice that he had never heard before. It was loud. It was quiet. Everyone could hear it. No one could hear it. The room’s temperature plummeted as an icy disquiet seeped into Zack’s bones. There was no more wind and no more sound. Just the bright light that certainly took away Zack’s ability to see by now.

“Wh-” The words couldn’t escape his mouth. He tried to scream, but nothing came out of his throat. 

“Be afraid.” The figure spoke again. This time, the voice was clearer. It was no longer just a vibration going into Zack’s skull. It was a voice. 

It was just sleep paralysis. Zack couldn’t even close his eyes. He was forced to watch in horror as the figure creeped closer to him. The legs barely moved. 

“I don’t know what you want from me.” He managed, his voice barely coming out.

“I think you know. Exactly. What I want from you.” The shadow swiftly fell to the ground, revealing details about the figure. He knew that hoodie. He knew those awful jeans. 

“Josh?” Zack trembled. 

“I am an angel of the Lord. You must heed my warning. Or only God will know what is going to happen to you if you don’t keep your mouth shut.” The voice became unrecognizable again. It wasn’t Josh. Josh was some overly happy idiot whom Zack hated. This was a demon who came to take Zack’s soul straight to hell. 

“No-No you’re not.” 

“Believe what you will. Say what you want. No one will believe you anyway.” There was a snicker to his tone. The light in the eyes began to dimmer until the room was completely black again. He couldn’t see and he couldn’t hear a breath. But he knew that he was still there. The presence of another soul in the room still lingered. 

He felt the disappearing glowing eyes on him. He was being watched so clearly even if the room was empty. 

“I-I-I’m not scared of you.” Zack shouted as loud as he could. His voice was finally so loud that it shook the house. 

The stomps from outside the room were clear as day. 

He was blinded by the light of the hallway, “Zackary. Do you know the time?” 

“There’s someone in my room.” He pointed to Josh, who was suddenly no longer there.

“Get some sleep.” His mother sighed, “Don’t make me worry about you too.”

Zack dry heaved into the pail next to his bed once his mother was gone. He wasn’t sure if what had just happened was real or not. 

What the fuck was Josh? 

What had his brother allowed into their family?  

Chapter Text

Josh teleported back outside their apartment. He was out of breath. He couldn’t believe he had just done that. Why did he do that? Josh should have just told Zack to back off and leave it at that. 

If Josh had more human bodily functions, he would have thrown up. It wasn’t like him. It wasn’t like him at all. But he just couldn’t stand the way that stupid small man talked to Tyler as if he was nothing. Tyler was everything. He wasn’t someone to toy around with like that. 

Josh paced back and forth on the sidewalk. He needed to calm down or else he was going to get too hot. He thought he was over being unable to control himself. He had his memories back for months. Josh had all his angelic abilities and he could control most of them. But the adrenaline from what he just did overtook him. 

He just threatened his boyfriend's brother and it was exhilarating.

Josh sat down on the ground since there was no bench. He allowed himself to lay on his back and stare right up to the sky. Heaven wasn’t actually in the sky, but Josh looked up as if it was. What would heaven think of what he did? Threatening humans was a big big big no-no. 

Josh started to panic more when he realized the repercussions he was going to have to face. He wondered if he should have gone back to Tyler’s room to say his goodbyes. He covered his eyes with his hands. He was screwed. 

He couldn’t lose him. He couldn’t. He couldn’t be brought away. 

Josh couldn’t risk losing everything he worked for just because he was pissed off. 

Zack just pissed him off so badly. So badly. 

He wished he had killed him or something worse. If he was going to get in trouble, might as well have made a big statement.

He didn’t deserve to live if all he was going to do was be rude to Tyler. He was so negative and hateful. Josh had to hold himself back from going and finishing the job. He was fucked anyway. They were probably going to send the troops to wipe Josh from existence any minute. 

Josh heard footsteps and knew. He just knew. 

“Hi.” Josh smiled up at a man who was standing in front of him, looking down. The man was an angel, in a vessel that was the least bit scary. If they were going to send someone down to take Josh away, he figured it would have been some big beefy guy. But the angel was a slender twink. 

“I’m wasting my time coming here.” The man said. 

“I’d say.” Josh shrugged and sat up, “come to yell at me?” 

“In a way.” The angel sighed, “you know what you’ve done wrong.”

“Yup. Come to take me away and wipe me from existence? Can I say goodbye first?”

“No.” The angel shook his head. 

“That's not really fair. I’ve been here long enough, I think I deserve to be able to say goodbye.” 

“I meant that no, I am not taking you away.” There was almost no emotion in his voice. 

Josh finally allowed himself to stand up. 

“So I’m good?”

“No. We’re keeping a close eye on you now.” The angel said, “it is bad enough that you’ve let Tyler Joseph see you. But letting another see your grace in such a way is unacceptable. You’re lucky we’ve let you stay this long.” 

This angel wasn’t as nice as the first one he talked to months ago at the party. 

“It wasn’t even that much. I think the guy just thought he was seeing things.” Josh tried to make up whatever excuse he could to get away from this conversation. 

The other angel sighed, “you need to watch yourself. We don’t use our powers to threaten. We are put on Earth to help our humans and then move on. Clearly, you are not moving on. But your human is also not in a good spot.”

“You could say that again.” Josh laughed, “I feel like I’ve made no progress whatsoever.” 

If someone had asked Josh only a week ago what he thought, he would have lied about it. He would have said Tyler wasn’t doing well because he didn’t want to admit to himself that his work was almost done. But it became clear to Josh that Tyler’s anguish ran deeper than what he showed on the surface. 

“I have a feeling this…whatever…band that you have going on with him is bringing some kind of progress. That is why we are allowing you to stay and we are giving you a second chance.  But you cannot threaten other humans to get what you want. We will snatch you back up faster than you could imagine if you pull anything like that again.” The angel pointed a finger at Josh. 

Josh stood confident in place. He had to be bluffing. 

“You look lost. Do I need to repeat myself?” The angel stepped closer. He put a hand on Josh’s shoulder, “We will take you away at the drop of a hat. If you do one more wrong thing. You’re more than lucky we’ve allowed you to play this game. Do. You. Understand?”

Josh felt uneasy again. It wasn’t because of the threats from the angel. He knew they were real threats. He knew that they could take him away whenever. Josh had allowed himself to mourn over that months ago when he first gained his memories. But his uneasiness came from an awful pit in his stomach. He glanced up at their bedroom window. 

There Tyler was, staring him down from the window. He didn’t look tired or upset. His eyes were dark and the bags were visible all the way from the street.

He looked furious. 

Josh knew how this looked. It was unbelievably late at night, and Josh was outside with another man touching his shoulder. Tyler was already an overly jealous and possessive person over Josh. 

Josh’s cover could be blown any second. Tyler couldn’t know. He couldn’t know. How was Josh supposed to explain this? 

“I-I understand.” Josh said, looking back to the angel. 

“Good. I will send someone to check on you soon to make sure you’re behaving. Just remember, we always have eyes on you.”

“Always?” Josh asked, suddenly red faced with embarrassment. 

“Yes. Always.”

“Even-”

“Yes.”

Tyler wasn’t in the window anymore. Did he go to bed? Or worse?

“Hey, asshole. Do you know what time it is?” Tyler’s voice felt like nail stringing itself across a chalkboard. Josh felt himself shaking. He was more scared of his boyfriend in that moment than he was of someone genuinely threating him. 

The angel moved his hand from Josh’s shoulder, “Hello, Tyler.”

“Who the fuck is this?” Tyler stood next to Josh and slightly pushed on his shoulder.

“No one.” 

“Sure doesn’t look like no one.” Tyler spit out.

“I’m just a fan, I promise.” The man smiled at Tyler, “I went to your show the other night. Can’t wait for the album.”

“Yeah, okay. Sure.” Tyler laughed, “Maybe I’m sleep deprived. But what are you doing at my house? Talking to Josh .” 

“He really is no one you need to worry about, Tyler.” Josh shook his head, “I went outside to get some air and he recognized me. He’s probably on something with the way he’s been talking to me.” 

Tyler was still breathing heavily, “I don’t really believe you.”

“You don’t have to believe me. But this guy is nothing that you’re thinking. I am being so genuine to you.” Josh looked back at the angel. 

“I should be going then.” He nodded at Josh and walked away.

“Let’s go back inside to argue about this, then.” Josh sighed.

“No. We can do it right here. Let me blow up your spot for the neighbors.” Tyler laughed.

“Were you sleeping?” Josh asked.

“Nope. I was pretending for a while. And then, suddenly, you randomly disappear. And then I get out of bed after twenty minutes to see you out here talking to some guy.” Tyler seemed so out of it. He had a long day and wanted to take it out on Josh. His heart ached. For the first time in a long time, he felt nervous that he would lose Tyler. He spent way too much time invested in Tyler’s life to lose him over something stupid. 

“I know that you’re still upset from what happened this morning. And then what your brother said. And your family. But you shouldn’t take it out on me when I promise you that I’m not cheating on you with that guy. When would I even have the time to do that?” Josh asked.

“I don’t know…” There came the tears in Tyler’s eyes again.

“Tyler…you need good sleep. You can’t keep doing this.” 

“You knocked me out this morning. I slept eight hours. I’m not fucking tired. I’m upset at you. I don’t think you’re cheating or anything. But the way you were talking to that guy was like you knew him or something. What are you hiding from me?” 

“Okay. You’ve got me.” Josh sighed. He had to pull something out of his ass.

“What?” Tyler raised his eyebrows. He wiped the tears from his eyes as they began to form again.

“He’s from a record label.” Josh barely felt bad lying to Tyler anymore. It was for the good of both of them. Tyler would be better off not knowing that he was just threatened to be taken away. All it would do was make him feel guilty or nervous at the idea of losing Josh. 

“Somehow, that’s worse than your other lie.” Tyler laughed out loud.

“I’m really serious about this one. I met him at a show the other night. He said he lived around here and gave me his number. I told him while you were asleep that we sent our album to the publisher. He told me he wanted to talk. But I rejected the offer he gave us, because it just wasn’t going to work. I don’t think it was a legit label anyway. I think he was just trying to mooch off our famer.” Josh kept rambling. Was it obvious to Tyler that he was lying?

“I’m just going to drop this topic before I get angrier with you. Why the fuck would you keep this from me anyway? You think you own this band? You don’t. You don’t own shit. We are in this together. Do that again and you’re out.” Tyler laughed again. The snot from his nose was trailing down to his lips. Josh couldn’t read his emotions anymore. Was he being manic, angry, or upset?

“I’m sorry. It’s been so recent that I didn’t want to risk getting you excited. You’ve been in such a-”

“Such a what? I’m stressed out. I’m fucking miserable, Josh. I just need a break. I can’t do this anymore. The band, you, my family, our jobs, I am losing it. I’m going crazy. I can’t do anything right and all I’ve done is hurt everyone around me. I’ve been putting on a smile to keep everyone happy but I guess it hasn’t been working well.” Tyler laughed again. 

“Tyler…” Josh put his arms around him, even if Tyler didn’t hug back. 

Tyler didn't waste a second to return the hug and sob into his chest. 

“I’m sorry.” Tyler said through muffled words, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening with me anymore. I didn’t mean any of it. I love you. I love this band, I would die without it.”

“It’s okay. I think we need to quit our jobs.” Josh said. 

“Yeah.” Tyler picked his head up, “I think we should quit tomorrow.” 

“Tomorrow?!”

“Yes. Drop everything. Let’s make our music our top focus.” Tyler pulled away from the hug and put a hand on his chest, “we can get rid of our apartment and live on the road. We have money saved up. Fuck, Josh. We can really make this our life.”
“I would want nothing else. I’ve been waiting for you to say this, actually.” Josh leaned over to kiss Tyler softly on the lips. He pulled away before Tyler could make anything more out of it.

“And I want to tell my parents everything. I think they deserve to know how my life is going before I practically run away.”

Josh nodded in agreement, “I think that would be a good idea.”

Josh thanked his creator for letting him slip through the cracks of that one. 

--

Tyler looked more nervous than he ever had before.

They were having dinner with his family again. This time, to tell them that they just quit their jobs hours before. 

Pastor was understanding, even if he was upset. They were the backbone of that church, and now he had to scramble to find someone to replace Tyler. Josh was still shocked that Tyler decided this for them. Josh would do anything for Tyler. He had no plan B. There was no one else. There was nothing else he wanted to do except be with Tyler and be in twenty one pilots. 

Everyone was silently sitting around the table. Tyler had his head down and he was fiddling with his hands. They were only here the night before, so his family had to be confused as to why Tyler called this dinner. Kelly kept looking over at Josh with a concerned face.

Zack was suspiciously not there. He was apparently at work. 

 “So.” Kelly put the plates of food in front of them, “did you really miss us this much, Tyler? It’s only been one day.”

“I…” Tyler started and looked at Josh. His hands were shaking horribly. 

“Do you want me to talk?” Josh asked. 

“No. I have to do this.” Tyler shook his head. 

Kelly and Chris both looked at each other with knowing eyes. Josh was getting nervous. Based on the looks on their faces, they were not thinking this was going to be about their jobs. Josh wasn’t sure that Tyler had that thought in his mind when he asked to come over for dinner. Josh wanted to hold his hand to comfort him.

“Pastor called me this afternoon.” Kelly said before Tyler could open his mouth. Josh let out a sigh of relief. She knew already but wanted Tyler to say it in his own words. Josh got nervous that she was going to say something else. Tyler still wasn’t ready to have that conversation with anyone yet. Josh was fine with that now. He didn’t care who they had to hide from, so long as Tyler was still his. 

“Oh. Yeah, that.” Tyler nodded and also breathed out a sigh of relief, “we’re going to fully focus on music now that we’re gaining some traction.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” His father asked, “I think having that to fall back on was a smart idea. If you fail-”

“Which we won’t.” Tyler said confidently, “If we fail, then there won’t be anything for me to fall back on. Josh and I are both in this one hundred percent. I’m manifesting that it will work.” 

“Well. Good for you.” Jay said, “I think that enough people like your band that you could make a career out of it. We don’t even see you much anymore because you’re always performing.” 

“I don’t care if we exist with only ten dollars in our bank accounts.” Tyler was shaking less now that it was out there. But he was still shaking. 

“I agree.” Josh nodded.

“Well. I just think you need to know the risks you’re taking.” Chris crossed his arms, “of course we support you. We’re your parents, we will support you no matter what life choices you make. But you need to think a little more about this.”

“I have. I’ve done nothing but think about this. This is what I want. Music is the only reason I keep going.” Tyler said, “that and…yeah.” 

That and Josh, is what Tyler was probably going to say. 

“I think it’s a good idea. There will always be other jobs if this doesn’t work. And we will be here to support your band in any way that we can. We’re happy to still have you here and alive, Tyler. I think you’re going to go far. You’ll be one of the biggest bands in the world, even. You both are so talented and lovely. I knew you guys would be best friends from the moment I met Josh.” Kelly rambled on to them. Even though he was skeptical, Chris nodded.

Josh was glad Zack wasn’t there. He would have probably made some kind of snide remarks about them. 

“Is that all you did this dinner for?” Maddy asked, “I feel like that could have been a text.”

Tyler looked at her in fear, “no. It’s not.” 

“It’s not?” Josh asked.

“No. It’s not.” Tyler took Josh’s hand in his.

“What are you doing?” 

“Josh isn’t just my bandmate. Or my best friend.” Tyler refused to look at everyone. He just stared down at their entangled hands. 

Josh stayed silent. This was Tyler’s moment, and he was not about to interrupt it.

“He’s my uh. Josh is my…” Tyler stammered on his words.

“Your boyfriend?” His mother asked.

“Yes.” Tyler looked up at her. He was shaking so badly that there were tears in his eyes. Josh ran his thumb across Tyler’s thumb.

“I knew it. ” Jay said out loud without being able to control himself. 

“Jay.” His mother warned, “but yes, sweetie. We all kind of knew.”

“You did?” Tyler furrowed his brows.
“Honey, you guys spend every moment together. I know love when I see it.” Kelly smiled warmly, “I knew from the moment he came to lunch with us that you liked him.” 

“Oh.” Was all Tyler could muster up. He was shivering still. Josh was so relieved. He knew Tyler’s family. He knew that they would have loved him either way, but he understood Tyler’s fear of coming out. Josh knew that it had to be the biggest weight off of his shoulders. 

Josh knew that Tyler was not ready to be out publicly with their relationship. Josh agreed that it might be hard to get out there if everyone knew they were together. That was something for far down the road, however far Josh would have been able to go. But it wasn’t time to think about how much time he had left. 

“Even if it’s not what we pictured your life going like, we love you anyway.” Chris nodded, “we’d love you no matter what. You’re our son.” 

Tyler started to cry again. He put his head in his hands and cried gently. Josh rubbed his back slowly with a warm hand. 

“I love…you guys too.” Tyler wiped his eyes, “thank you.” 

“We all love you.” Maddy said, “And we love Josh. I’m sure Zack would say the same thing if he was here.”

Josh was sure Zack wouldn’t. But fuck Zack.

Josh had never seen Tyler so happy. 

END OF ACT II 

Chapter Text

ACT III: Vessel

“I’m going to need you here when I open this email.” Tyler said to Josh. They were laying on the floor of their van that they lived in. They were parked in a campsite in Pennsylvania Mark was out getting food. 

It was the fourth of July. 

They had been touring their album, Regional At Best, for over three months now. They had quit their jobs, broke their lease on their apartment, and decided to risk it all. Josh didn’t regret it. Both boys heard it from Tyler’s family and the congregation. They were putting the church in a bad spot by leaving cold turkey. They didn’t even want to wait until they found replacements. 

As soon as more gigs started to flood in, Tyler demanded they drop everything . 

Mark and Josh were both on board. They saw the vision. Josh especially knew he would do anything for Tyler. There was no doubt in Josh’s mind now that he was going to be able to just ignore the fact he was an angel with specific duties. He was there on Earth for Tyler and nothing else. There was no plan B. There was no one else. He would have to be dragged by the feet if Heaven ever thought they were getting him back. There was only Tyler.

They had just performed a sold out show to over a thousand people the week before. They received an email from a major record label that Tyler was afraid to open. Tyler had been stewing on it for days. Josh kept trying to pressure him into just opening it. They had been rejected by record labels at least ten times. They were used to it, so Josh wasn’t sure why Tyler was so nervous to open one from a label that reached out to them. 

“If it’s good, we’ll celebrate with fireworks. If it’s bad, we kill ourselves.” Tyler said. 

“I think it’s going to be good.” Josh said, “Why else would they email you if we’ve never even talked to them before?” 

“I don’t know. I don’t know.” Tyler rolled on to his stomach. He got up on his hands and knees and looked like he was about to dry heave.

Josh sat up and rubbed his back, “give me the phone. I’ll open it.” 

“No. I have to be the one to do it. I just need to grow a pair and do it.” Tyler picked his phone up from under him and held his finger to the email. 

Josh wanted to laugh at him so badly. He was being silly. They had received so many rejection emails and letters at that point that Tyler should have been used to it anyway. He still acted like this every time they got a reply. But this one wasn’t a reply, this was an initial email. That had to mean something. 

“I can’t do it. I’m going to throw up.” Tyler handed Josh his phone. 

Josh opened the email. He skimmed through it and couldn’t help but feel every mixed emotion possible. 

“It’s…it’s a record deal. At least, the invitation to one.” Josh said quietly.

“Is it legit? Is this the real email?” Tyler quickly turned around to stare at the email. 

“It looks like it. There’s a verified check next to the email. It says to call this number as soon as possible to set up a meeting. You’ve left them hanging for three days. I doubt they’re going to be answering their phones on a holiday.”

“Who cares.” Tyler grabbed the phone back from Josh and clicked on the number. It rang for a second, but no one picked up. It went to the voicemail of some executive sounding guy.

“Hey. It’s Tyler Joseph. I just saw your email, I wanted to give a call to set up a time. We have a show in Philly tomorrow, but we’re free any morning after that. Just give me a call back, I’ll be by the phone.” he hung up the voicemail. 

“So. That’s that.” Josh nodded, “we’ve…we got it. We have a really big chance that this is going to work. They seemed overly enthusiastic to talk to us in that email. We’ve come so far. I’m proud of us, Tyler. We caught the attention of someone big. There’s only going up from here.”

“I love you.” Tyler gushed, “I love you. I love you.” 

“I love you too, Tyler.” Josh still felt his body flip whenever he said it. It felt so wrong coming out of his lips. If only Tyler knew how much Josh yearned for him, even now. They had been together for almost seven months. They had their faults. They had their fights. But the last few months have been smooth sailing between them. They were too busy struggling with shows and having sex to think about relationship problems. 

Josh and Tyler looked at each other in silence. Tyler took barely any time to press their lips together. Josh pulled him down on top of him and shoved his tongue inside of his mouth. They knew Mark would be there any second, but it didn’t stop them from sloppily making out in the back of the van. 

Josh’s hands were crawling up Tyler’s shirt so he could pull it off. It was so hot in the van that both men were sweating through their clothes. Josh needed to make sure clothes weren’t a problem anymore. Josh moved to Tyler’s neck as they shuffled their shorts off. They were fully naked and the tinted windows of the van was the only thing shielding the world from them.

Josh wrapped his hands around Tyler’s cock and began to pump. Tyler wasn’t even fully hard yet, but he moaned. 

“Fuck me.” Tyler begged, “Please.” 

“You deserve it.” Josh whispered, “I’m so fucking proud of you.” He rubbed the tip of his cock and smeared the precum. 

“Fuck me good and hard.” Tyler whined, “please, please. And fast. Don’t wait up or tease me.” 

“I love it when you beg. Beg for me, like a good boy.” Josh groaned against Tyler’s neck. Josh jerked Tyler off faster. 

“More. More. Please. Please.”

“I’m getting there. Be a little more patient with me.” He moved his hands away from Tyler’s cock. Tyler groaned in disbelief at the loss of the touch. 

“I can’t. Please. We don’t even have much time I need you inside of me yesterday.” Tyler continued what Josh had started and began to jerk himself off. 

Josh loved these desperate moments. He loved it when they needed each other so badly that they couldn’t wait any longer. He loved when all Tyler needed was him. Tyler was his human. And Josh loved to remind him of that. 

He leaned over to one of their bags and grabbed their lube. He put his lips back on Tyler’s neck as he smothered his fingers with lube. He didn’t want to waste much more time. He pushed two fingers inside of Tyler, which earned a gasp. 

“You like it when I finger you?” Josh breathed.

“Yes…” Tyler moaned, “I like your cock more. I need it. Stop teasing me and get inside me already.”

Josh paused his movements when he heard footsteps. 

“Are you guys fucking in there?” Mark yelled loudly directly outside the van. Josh took his fingers out of Tyler and laughed. 

“No.” Tyler said. They were still completely naked and on top of each other. 
Mark opened the door and let out an audible groan, “Why the fuck would you say no?” 

“I don’t know why he would.” Josh grabbed his shorts and slipped them on as quickly as he could. 

“You asked if we were fucking. We were not. Not my fault that you didn’t ask if we were naked. You have to come at the wrong times, Mark.” Tyler groaned, “I was about to-”

“Nope. Don’t finish that.” Josh interrupted him. 

“Listen. You guys get dressed or do whatever you have to do. I got Taco Bell. Just let me know whenever you’re not naked.” Mark covered his eyes with his free hand. 

“I’m wearing pants now, if that helps you. Josh needs to go wash his hands before he can do anything.” Tyler said as he put his tank top back on. Josh loved to admire Tyler shirtless either way. His new tattoos looked so good. Both men had changed up their look quite a bit in the past few months. Josh was letting his facial hair grow out, and he shaved the sides of his head much to Tyler’s dismay. 

Mark let his eyes free and sighed in relief when he saw both men were clothed. Josh got out of the van and went to find the campground bathroom so he could wash his hands. He was still trying to process the news. The record deal was huge. It was solid evidence that they were really doing something right. Everyone else could see the chemistry and energy that the pair brought to the stage. 

Josh knew in the back of his mind that it wouldn’t be good forever. But…he didn’t care. Josh was learning to just live in the moment and ignore everything else. He came this far. 

He had a bad feeling when he felt an off energy enter the bathroom. The hair on the back of his neck stood up. Josh was full of dread and the color completely left his face. There was another angel in there with him. He went three months without being bothered.

He pretended to ignore it as he washed his hands. He kept his back straight and his eyes forward. The man went to the sink directly next to him and kept his hands under the water.

“I heard about your record deal.” The angel said in a tone Josh didn’t understand. 

“Yeah.” Josh nodded.

“You seem to have made an impact.” 

“Yeah…” 

“A lot of eyes have been on you and Tyler Joseph, angel.” He walked over to the paper towels and began to dry his hands.

“That’s great.” Josh nodded, “I know our band is doing great. We’re getting a decent amount of fans.” He knew what the angel had meant. The angels had eyes on him.

“You know what I am talking about.” 

“What do you want?” Josh asked, “didn’t you guys come to threaten me a few months ago? I’ve been really good since then. I’ve barely used my powers, and I haven’t used them even remotely close to anyone but Tyler.”

“I understand that.” The angel sighed, “I think you need to shut your mouth and let me speak to you.” 

“Okay.”

“I need you to be careful. I’m sure you remember us saying that to you already. But with a record deal, you will be in the spotlight. An angel has never done something like this. You risk exposing us and our mission. It will be a lot of clean up if something happened. But we can’t just take you away now. Believe it or not, your band has helped more people than you expected.” The angel explained.

Josh felt a pang of pain in his heart. The idea of being taken away felt like such a distant memory. He worried all the time about it, but he never thought that it could actually happen.

“We’ve had a few angels report that they’ve heard people all around the area connect to Tyler Joseph’s music. I wouldn’t want to take that away from them. It saves us the trouble of sending more angels down, so we can focus on other people. That is the only reason we are allowing you to stay. That and curiosity. We’ve never had an angel connect to a human in this way before.” 

Curiosity? Was this a game to them and Josh was the pawn? What could heaven possibly gain by letting him risk everything?

Josh felt sick. 

If he had food in his fake stomach, it would have expelled out of him by now. Why was this one angel making him feel so uneasy?

“Okay.” Was all he said, “so why are you here? Just to congratulate me?” 

“Of course not. We don’t care about your band that much.” The angel leaned against the bathroom counter. Josh was surprised none of the other campers had entered the bathroom.

“Then what do you want?” Josh huffed, “because I swear, you guys just come here to threaten me and do nothing about it.” 

“This is not a threat. It’s more of a warning.” 

“A warning? About what?”

“Angel vessels are not…completely stable.”

“I know that. You must know how many times I’ve taken out the electricity in a given area.” Josh laughed, “I think that I must have confused the city of Columbus for the first few weeks until I figured out how to-” he stopped himself.

The angel coughed, “Yes, we are aware.”

Josh blushed a light pink, “Yeah, well. I’ve taken control of that.”

“That’s great for you. Your weird sex life is not what I’m talking about here. What you do with your human like that is your business. Incredibly inappropriate and disgusting, but your business. I am not here to talk to you about that. Although, your bond with Tyler Joseph is… not exactly allowed.”

“Yeah. I know. I don’t care.” Josh was feeling bold.

“We are just thankful that you have kept angel-kind a secret from him. You have to keep it that way. He can never know what you are. We are a well kept secret.” 

Josh never planned on telling Tyler. 

But now he had no choice.

“Okay…” Josh wanted to walk away, He wasn’t sure what else this angel could say to him that he didn’t already know. 

“Your body will not last forever. You are a ball of hot light in a flesh vessel. Remember that as you continue your stay on Earth..” The angel said.

Josh furrowed his brows. He had never heard anything like that before. They were immortal beings, why wouldn’t their bodies last forever?

“What do you mean by that?” Josh asked.

The angel was gone.

There was no explanation. There was no hope that Josh would find out what he meant. All Josh could do was stand still and run theories in his head. He had never heard of this before. He was an angel for thousands of years. 

Why wouldn’t his body last forever?

Josh stood in the bathroom with his hands bolted to his side. He felt his hands genuinely tremble; a feeling he didn’t experience often.

His body wouldn’t last forever . 

Chapter Text

FOUR MONTHS AND FIVE DAYS LATER. 

“This feels so weird.” Tyler glanced over to Josh as he stared at his computer screen. He was watching their music video for Holding On To You again. It had been out for months and he still kept rewatching it. 

“Weird how?” Josh asked. 

“I don’t know. Never expected to have a real music video made. We had them dress us up like Halloween costumes and had people work for us. Did you ever ever think we’d get this far?” Tyler asked. 

“I don’t know. I didn’t really come here with any expectations, remember?” Josh chuckled and leaned on Tyler’s seat from behind. He just had to bring up the lie again. 

They were in Tyler’s apartment in Columbus. They had finished their tour for Regional At Best. Their record label demanded a new album five months after they signed the deal. It was to be widely released in January, so Tyler had to have it submitted by December. 

Josh had come up with the name Vessel. Tyler didn’t understand exactly what it meant, but he went with it. 

Josh couldn’t help himself. He had been so worried about his own vessel that it had been the only thing on his mind. 

They also had to come up with a last name for Josh. Tyler went with Dun because he had just seen it in a movie and couldn’t think of anything else. Josh was proud that Tyler was the one to give him all of his names. 

“Don’t forget what today is too.” Tyler said. 

“What do you mean?” Josh asked, “it’s November ninth.” 

“Yeah. And what is November ninth?” Tyler raised his eyebrows. He turned the browser off and turned the chair around so he could meet Josh’s gaze.

“It’s like two in the morning, Tyler.” Josh laughed.

“November ninth is one year since we met.” Tyler took Josh’s hand, “one year of knowing you. And one year of loving you. I feel like I loved you from the moment I met you.” 

Josh knew Tyler for much more than a year. It was years of loving him. Too many years from afar. 

Josh smiled and squeezed Tyler’s hand, “I can’t believe it’s been a year. It feels like I’ve always been here.”

“Well, you’ve probably been on Earth for like twenty-something years. But you’ve been on Earth for one. I wonder if your old family misses you.” Tyler put a hand on Josh’s chest.

“You know I don’t really like when you bring up stuff like that.” Josh frowned. 

“I know. But I can’t help but wonder. I can’t believe I got so lucky. What if you were just someone from the IRS coming to find me. But instead, you fell in love with me. And I fell in love with you.” 

Josh leaned down and kissed his forehead, “Let’s not dwell on that. I live now for you.”

“And I live for you, too.” Tyler stood up so that he could be at Josh’s level. 

“You have no idea.” Josh pulled him in for a kiss, “what you mean to me.” He said against his lips. 

“Show me.” Tyler whispered, “take me and show me.” 

At this point, if Josh was a better guardian angel, he would have moved on. Tyler had been doing really well. He managed his stress well. He wasn’t self harming in any way, and he was still writing music. He was out to his supportive family, and he was always smiling. The way Josh saw Tyler light up a stage when he performed could have made him fall in love over and over again. 

But Josh stayed. No angel had come down to whisk him away. As long as he stayed in his lane, Josh was safe. As long as he kept his powers at bay, he was safe. His body just needed a cool down every now and then. He rarely used his powers anymore unless it was absolutely necessary. 

He couldn’t risk anything happening. He just told Tyler that he was trying to feel more human, so he avoided using his powers when he could. Tyler believed him, thank the creator.

The only time he needed to use it was when Tyler would ask to heal bruises from performing. Or Tyler would come to him with a cut from a knife while cooking. He knew Tyler was sensitive when he saw cuts, so he healed them. It took everything out of him to do so, but he did it out of love. 

Josh was happy. 

Josh was content. He was hopeful. 

Josh kissed him again. It was tender and deep. He kissed Tyler like he had loved him since the beginning of time. 

It was the truth. Discovering him was the beginning of time. 

Josh had placed his hands on Tyler’s hips. There was no rough heat and not nails to be dug into him. Josh stopped that months ago. They got rough still, but nothing that could feed into any of Tyler’s bad habits. Josh was not going to be used like that. 

Sex should be for love and love only. And Josh had plenty of love to give. 

Josh backed them up until they were on the couch. Tyler straddled Josh’s lap and wrapped his legs around him. 

“I wanna make love to you.” Josh said, “right here on the couch.” 

“Please.” Tyler moved his lips away from Josh’s and moved it to his neck, “want to suck you off first.” 

“Yeah. Okay.” Josh breathed as he felt Tyler’s warm lips on him. Tyler leaned back a little and ran a hand down Josh’s chest. He pulled his shirt off and got back to sucking on his neck. Tyler left plenty of marks on Josh. He nipped and bit at every crevice of his chest. Tyler’s lips made his way back to Josh’s. 

Josh shoved his tongue inside Tyler’s mouth. Tyler grinded his hips against Josh for a brief moment. Saliva began to drip down Josh’s chin as their kiss became sloppy. Josh needed him. He needed him all the time, but this one felt different. He was letting Tyler take the lead. 

Tyler pulled away from the kiss and sunk down to his knees. He took a moment to rub Josh’s legs. 

“I love you.” Tyler slid his hand up Josh’s thigh. Josh’s cock twitched in his boxers and he leaned his head back. Tyler rested his head on Josh’s thigh and sighed slightly. 

“What’s wrong?” Josh asked. 

“Nothing at all.” Tyler glanced up and their eyes met, “I’m just taking it in before I take you in my mouth.”

Josh laughed, “what a funny way to say that.” 

“I wasn’t trying to be funny.” Tyler smiled, “I’m trying to be serious with you. I don’t think I’d be alive anymore if it wasn’t for you.”

Tyler needed to stop saying that. 

Josh kept thinking of what the angel said months ago. His body wouldn’t last forever. 

What was he going to do?

“Don’t say things like that, Tyler.” Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s short locks, “I think you would survive just fine without me.”

“I wouldn’t.” Tyler pulled the band of Josh’s boxers down, “I wouldn’t. I just couldn’t. You’ve become too ingrained in my life.” He took Josh in his mouth without another word. Tyler loved to do that when he needed to avoid a conversation.

Josh gasped and tightened his grip on Tyler’s hair. He didn’t speak as Tyler bobbed his head. Josh tried to forget about his woes as he felt Tyler’s mouth on him. He opened his eyes and looked up to meet Josh’s gaze as he sucked him off.

“Fuck.” Josh let out, “you’re so good. Your mouth is like magic.”

Tyler hummed in response and pulled his head all the way up. He pressed his tongue against the tip and stroked Josh. 

“You’re teasing me.” 

“Am I?” Tyler smirked, “or am I just not giving you what you want? I’m in charge tonight, Josh.”

“Did I give you permission to be in charge?” Josh gripped Tyler’s hair.

“You don’t need to. I’ll kick you out of the band.” Tyler took the head back in his mouth and closed his eyes again. Josh bucked his hips up slightly, but not enough to hurt him. Tyler gagged slightly but moaned right after. Josh could do this forever. He could pause time just so that he would always feel Tyler’s mouth on him.

He loved Tyler too much.

This wouldn’t be forever. Josh had to remember that. He had to take in every moment he could, even the sweaty ones like this. Especially the tender, loving, and passionate moments like this. Josh couldn’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else. 

He let Tyler suck him off for a few more moments before pulling his head up. Tyler let a line of spit follow from the tip of Josh’s cock to his lips. He pursed his lips, “I can tell you were close, angel.”

“I want to cum inside you, not your mouth.” Josh pet his hair. 

“Who said that was for you to decide?” Tyler smirked.

“You’re cute when you try to take charge.” 

“No it’s not.” Tyler stood up, “I can be dominant, I swear.”

“Okay. Show me, then. I’ll take the backseat and let you do what you have to do.”

“Can I fuck you, then?” Tyler asked.

Josh was taken aback by the question. Never in his life on Earth would he expect Tyler to ever want to top. He stared up at Tyler, who was standing up straight. He had his hands on his hips. 

“I think so.” Josh nodded. 

“Are you scared?” Tyler asked and pulled his boxers off. He looked down at Josh as he slowly started to jerk himself off. Josh watched him; his mouth was almost drooling. 

“No, of course not. I’m just not sure you’re up to the task. You’ve never been dominant to me before. You’re the most submissive person I could imagine. You’re a begger, I can’t imagine you fucking me unless I took the lead.” 

“Try me.” Tyler gripped Josh’s hair. He tugged Josh’s head down towards his cock, “maybe as your anniversary present, I’ll prove you wrong. Suck.” 

Josh could have came on the spot when he heard Tyler speak. Josh was not a bottom by any means. In fact, it did kind of scare him. He liked having control over Tyler. But seeing this side, which was so different from what he was used to, turned him on. 

Josh leaned forward and let Tyler shoved his cock into his mouth. Tyler didn’t hesitate to tug tighter on Josh’s hair. He bucked his hips so he could shove himself in as far as possible. Josh didn’t really have a gag reflex. 

Tyler held Josh’s face in place as he cock was completely down Josh’s throat. He squeezed his eyes shut and let out a moan once Tyler began to thrust into his mouth. 

Tyler put a leg up on the couch so he could get a better angle. Tyler groaned, “I love you. Love your mouth. So good for me. Please. Josh. God. Josh. Can’t… fuck. Can’t wait to fuck you.” 

Josh couldn’t help but wrap a hand around himself as he had Tyler’s cock thrusted into his mouth. This was hotter than he thought it would be. Josh wasn’t sure what had gotten into either of them to switch places like this. 

Tyler pulled his cock out suddenly, “you’re going to make me cum too early.” 

Josh coughed once and felt his throat, “shit, Ty. I’ve never seen you like that before.” 

“I don’t know what came over me. Lay down on your stomach. I’m gonna fuck you just like that.” Tyler ordered. 

“Look at you, trying to tell me what to do.” Josh smiled and did what Tyler told him too. 

He sat on the back of Josh’s thighs and ran his hands up to squeeze Josh’s ass. Josh grabbed a pillow and put it under his head. He had obviously never been fucked before, so he wasn’t sure if he would like it. Tyler liked it enough, so it couldn’t be bad. But Josh liked having control over the situation. But it was a special anniversary for them, so he was going to let Tyler do this. 

“Fuck. Your ass is insane. Wish I could know where you come from, so I can thank your people for giving me you. Because you are so hot. And you are so amazing.” Tyler moved his hands away. He put his weight on Josh. He took his cock and slid it between his cheeks to tease him. 

“Tyler…” Josh picked his head up and looked back. 

“Yes?” 

“Get the lube. I’m not going to sit here and let you tease me after you’ve been talking like that. Get the lube and fuck me.” Josh put his head back into the pillow. 

Tyler got up as quickly as he could and ran to his bedroom to grab the lube. He came back within thirty seconds and got back into position. Josh felt his nerves creep back up. 

Josh was an angel of the lord. Why was he nervous about a human sticking his dick inside of him? 

“I can feel that you’re nervous. We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Tyler began to grind his cock against Josh’s ass again, “I am always glad to let you take me.”

“It’s not that. I’ve just never done it before. It’s going to be completely new to me.” Josh shrugged and stuffed his face against the pillow again. 

“I’ll take good care of you. I won’t hurt you. I want to make you feel good like you do for me.” Tyler ran a gentle hand down Josh’s back. 

“I trust you.” Josh nodded. Tyler made the same motions Josh did to prep him. Josh didn’t really need it, but he let Tyler have his fun. He didn’t expect Tyler’s fingers to feel so good. Josh was bucking his hops up desperately by the time Tyler had three fingers inside him. 

“Ready for me?” Tyler asked as his fingers curled and moved faster. 

“Yes. I’m ready.” Josh moaned. 

“Gonna take my cock like the good angel you are?” Tyler took his fingers out. He spread plenty of lube on his hand. He gave his cock a generous amount and lined the tip up. 

Tyler calling him an angel during sex really did it for Josh. He didn’t even know the truth, which fed into Josh’s itch even more. 

“Yes. Fuck, Tyler. Just fuck me already.” Josh picked his head up to look back. 

“Of course. Don’t tell me what to do, Josh. I’m in charge tonight.” He playfully smacked Josh’s ass before slowly pushing in. 

Josh moaned at the intrusion and shoved his face deep into the pillow. It was a weird burning feeling that he wasn’t able to describe to himself. 

“Fuck. You feel so good, Josh.” Tyler moaned, “so tight.” Tyler gripped Josh’s ass and spread him a bit more. 

“Fuck…only for you, Tyler.” Josh’s words were muffled. He groaned again as Tyler bottomed out. 

“Does this feel okay?” Tyler asked, “I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“It feels good, Tyler.” Josh let out a breathy laugh, “I don’t really feel pain in the same ways you do. Just fuck me.”

Tyler didn’t respond verbally. He started to thrust. It was slow and careful at first. Josh could tell he was nervous and careful not to hurt him. It was a weird feeling. He felt stretched but warm. Once Tyler picked up the pace, Josh could really see why Tyler liked it so much. 

“Like that. Fuck, Tyler. You’re doing so good. Harder. Be rough with me like I am to you.” Josh moaned. 

“Josh…” Tyler held on to his hips and pulled all the way out. He held the tip against his hole before slamming right back in. Tyler leaned down so his body weight was on Josh. He kissed his neck as his hips snapped rapidly. 

“Oh. Oh. Oh God. My angel. You feel…” Tyler moaned into his ear. 

His angel. 

Tyler gripped Josh’s hair and started to move faster. There was something pent up in Tyler that he was letting out on Josh. But it felt so good that he didn’t care. This could not be the last time they did this. Josh preferred to top, but this wasn’t awful at all. 

“Josh. I love you. Fuck. I love you.” Tyler breathed, “Gonna cum. Gonna cum in you like you do in me. This time, I’m going to mark you. Fuck. My angel…” 

“Yours.” Josh leaned his head back enough so that they could kiss.

“Please. God. God. God. Josh. I’m. I’m gonna…” Tyler thrusted a few more times before he came inside of Josh. 

“Fuck. Damn, Tyler.” Josh laughed, “that was…”

“Wait. You didn’t cum. Sit up. Let me finish you.” Tyler got a shirt for Josh to sit up on. 

Josh sat up and Tyler didn’t hesitate to start jerking him off. Josh moaned, “I’m so close already, Ty.” 

“Cum for me, please? You already did so good letting me fuck you. Now it’s your turn.” His hand was moving so quickly that Josh barely had the time to process. He grunted as he came on his chest. 

Josh leaned back on the couch and let himself catch his breath. He watched Tyler get up completely after that. Josh cleaned himself up as Tyler went searching for his boxers. When he found them, he slipped them back on. He got back on Josh’s lap and pressed his head on his shoulder, “I love you.”

“I love you too. You should really go to sleep.” Josh rubbed his back, “it’s too late for you to still be awake.”

“I’m always up this late. I want to make love to you again, Josh. Your turn this time.” 

“Says the guy who just put his clothes back on.” Josh laughed.

“So what? Take them off me again.” Tyler began to kiss and suck at Josh’s neck.

“No. Go to bed, Ty.” Josh stood up with Tyler in his arms.

“Whoa. You’re so strong. Why have you not picked me up like this before.” Tyler wrapped his legs around Josh’s waist as he led him to the bedroom. It was Tyler’s bedroom, but it was basically theirs at this point. Josh was there almost every night to watch over him while he slept. 

“I don’t know. It never came up.” Josh shrugged. He laid Tyler on the bed, “get some sleep. Do you want a warm body to lay with you?” 

He mentally kicked himself for asking that.  

“Of course. I haven’t gotten your warm body in weeks. Is this a special meeting you anniversary present?” Tyler laughed. 

“It could be, yeah.” Josh got into bed with him and kissed him. He heated his body up, no matter how much it scared him. He refused to allow himself to shake; that was such a human response to fear. Josh was better than that. He was an angel, he should not be feeling fear. 

But the thought of losing his vessel and losing Tyler hurt too much. But he loved Tyler too much to take his comfort away when he promised it.
“Stay with me until I fall asleep.” Tyler pressed his face on Josh’s chest.

“I’m going to stay with you forever.” Another idiot lie. 

“Don’t test me, Dun. You know you’re never escaping me.” Tyler pressed kisses across Josh’s neck until making it back up to his lips. Josh kissed back as he pressed a hand on Tyler’s cheek. 

Josh couldn’t help himself as they made love in Tyler’s bed again.

--

“I think I’m almost done.” Tyler said to Josh, “ahead of schedule, too.” It was December ninth, now. 

He was handling this album release a lot better than he handled Regional At Best. Tyler was stressed as much as a normal person was. He wasn’t throwing things or hurting himself to get through it. 

It was because now he could completely focus on the music. No other distractions like church or work. They were taking a break from shows as well so that Tyler could focus on the music. The music was his job now. Tyler seemed happy to be working on it. It also helped that half of the songs were just songs from their previous album, so there wasn’t as much work to do. 

Josh was glad he stopped giving a fuck about Tyler’s happiness months ago. He was just happy to see Tyler happy. There was no fear that he would be obligated to go away. He could love Tyler openly and not have to fear that he was doing too much. 

“I’m proud of you.” Josh kissed his hand and watched as Tyler was mixing the last song.

“Thank you. I can’t wait to perform some of these songs with you, even though I’ve performed most of them with you anyway.” Tyler seemed giddy, “our fans are going to love these, I hope.” 

“I bet they will. If you wrote it, and you sang it, they will. People gravitate towards you because you’re just that talented.” 

“Stop.” Tyler rolled his eyes and stood up from the chair he was sitting in, “I can’t believe I’m ahead of schedule. The label is going to love this.” 

Josh nodded, “they are. And I love you.” 

“I love you too. Wanna go out and get Taco Bell?” Tyler asked, “to celebrate?” 

“No, you just want me to buy you Taco Bell because you know I can’t eat it.” Josh laughed. 

“You got me.” Tyler put his tongue between his teeth. 

Tyler was so happy. And it made Josh happy. 

Josh was scared. He was scared to be happy because he wasn’t sure what would happen. 

“Can you teleport us, though? I really don’t want to drive or walk.” Tyler turned off his computer. 

“Why? You’re really going to be that lazy?” Josh wasn’t sure what would happen to him if he used his powers like that. Taco Bell was at least a mile away. That would take a lot out of him. But what excuse would he have to give Tyler?

“Yes, I am.” Tyler stuck his tongue out, “you haven’t teleported me in almost four months. I miss feeling like goop. You can just teleport us to that weird spot in the back of it that no one goes to.”

“The place we made out that one time?” Josh asked.

“That’s the one.”

“I don’t know…” Josh looked away.

“What’s stopping you? No one is going to see us pop there. You’ve done it before, so you can’t tell me you can’t.” Tyler crossed his arms, “you could at least teleport yourself if you don’t want to bring me, for some reason.”

“No, it’s none of that. God, Tyler. It’s not even a big deal.” Josh huffed. He almost flinched as he said his father’s name in vain. But it seemed to come out more often the more he interacted with humans. He would just pray for forgiveness later; it wasn’t like he hadn’t done worse things. 

“Then do it.” Tyler egged him on, “are you a coward? Scared that you’ll be too weak to do it?”

“Now you’re purposefully trying to make me mad, Tyler.” Josh couldn’t help but laugh. He couldn’t cave. He wasn’t sure what would happen. He couldn’t use his powers too much. 

He couldn’t risk anything happening to him. But he couldn’t risk Tyler finding out. He just knew Tyler would make a bigger deal out of it than he needed to. 

“Okay. Fine.” Josh sighed after a few minutes. He touched Tyler’s shoulder and teleported them to their spot at the Taco Bell. 

“You’re so much, Josh.” Tyler leaned forward to kiss him, but Josh stepped away. Tyler frowned, “let’s go in.”

“Give me a second.” Josh said. He was completely out of breath. This was not good. He felt his body heat up dangerously. 

“No problem. I can wait. Are you okay?” Tyler asked, putting a concerned hand on Josh’s shoulder. He quickly yanked his hand away. 

Josh must have been burning up physically. 

“Sorry. Longer distances…sometimes…” Josh panted, “overwhelm me.”

“It’s never been a problem before.” Tyler crossed his arms. 

Tyler could not be getting suspicious now. Josh had worked too hard to keep his secret for Tyler to be getting too nosy. It was an awful excuse, there was no way Tyler was going to seriously believe it. 

“Yes it has.” Josh stepped a bit away from Tyler, “I just never show it. And you never usually touch me right after I teleport us. It’s only going to be like this for a couple more seconds.” Josh hoped that was enough for Tyler to believe him. 

Tyler stood there and stared at him, arms still crossed. Josh could see his knuckles get whiter from him clenching his fists. Tyler let out a defeated sigh, “I guess.”

“You guess what?” 

“I’m going to just believe you. Because I don’t feel like thinking about you lying to me about something.” Tyler pulled Josh in for a kiss. It was scalding hot, so he only did it for a moment. 

“Did you just kiss me even though you knew it would be hot?” Josh asked. 

“Yeah. I missed it. Ever since…” Tyler trailed off and stopped himself, “you don’t really do it anymore.”

Josh frowned again, “of course I don’t do it anymore.” 

Josh felt his emotions rise a bit. He didn’t want to think about that. He couldn’t. Every time he did, he’d just get more and more upset. He was barely upset at Tyler anymore. He was upset with himself for letting it happen. He got carried away. He almost killed the person he loved because he was too stupid to control himself. 

He felt his body get hotter even though he tried his best to keep it at bay. 

Tyler bit his lip, wincing at the pain from the burn, “I’m just going to go inside.” He sighed and walked away without another word. 

Once Josh was alone, he allowed himself to feel his emotions better. His shoes caught on fire. His clothes caught on fire. He had become so hot that even the garbage his foot was on caught fire. 

He was imploding on himself and it needed to stop now. 

There was no way for him to jump home. He breathed heavily and tried again to calm down. He patted his body to try to get the fire out so it would not burn completely. 

That had never happened before. 

How was he supposed to explain this to Tyler? He couldn’t. There would be no way. 

Josh wasn’t sure if he should risk jumping back home to change. 

Once the fires were out, he assessed his clothing. They weren’t completely burned, but it was definitely enough to notice. He was totally fucked. 

Josh stayed outside. He let the cool air hit his skin and pray that the wind would calm him down. He waited a half hour for Tyler to come back out. Taco Bell was always slow. 

“Why didn’t you come inside?” Tyler was holding a big bag in his hand, “I got recognized and they asked where you were. I had to lie and say you weren’t with me. What happened to you?”

Josh sighed, “I let my emotions get the best of me. I got pissed off and lit myself on fire.” 

“What the fuck?” Tyler rushed over to him, “on purpose?”

“Not exactly. I’ve never really been angry around you before. I’m never angry. But I let myself get carried away today.” It was a believable enough lie. He would just have to deal with the consequences of Tyler thinking Josh was mad at him. 

“Well. You can just teleport us home and go to your own apartment if you’re so mad at me.” Tyler looked down. 

“Okay.” Josh felt a pain in his heart. He didn’t want to do that. But Tyler couldn’t know that he was imploding on himself. He couldn’t know that bringing them home could literally kill him. But that would risk Tyler finding out everything. He couldn’t do that. 

Josh was awful. He was terrible. 

He teleported them back to Tyler’s apartment. Josh barely said goodbye before going to his own. 

He started a cold shower and immediately got into it so he didn’t set his entire apartment on fire. He felt his eyes light up as he couldn’t contain it any longer. 

Josh was shaking violently to try to keep himself together. Not now. He didn’t want to go like this. He couldn’t get his eyes or body to calm down. The freezing water hitting his skin was the only thing calming him down. 

He had to keep himself at bay for Tyler. He couldn’t leave Tyler. He couldn’t. Tyler needed him. 

Josh needed him. He needed Tyler’s arms right now to whisper to him that it was fine. He wanted to know that they’d be okay. But he couldn’t. He had to make Tyler think he was mad at him. He had to put on a show so Tyler wouldn’t know the real reason he was burning up. 

Josh pressed his hands roughly against the tile wall of his shower. The stone cracked slightly from the pressure of Josh's palms. His power level when he was stressed was so concerning. Josh's eyes lit brighter and the water hitting his skin immediately turned into steam. Josh was still shaking. He couldn't calm down. His body was giving up on him because he overdid it. 

He thought of Tyler and his big brown eyes. He thought about what would happen if he let himself go too far. Tyler needed him, but more importantly, Josh was not done with him. Josh wanted to love him until Tyler died. Josh couldn't let himself die. Not now. Josh felt hot tears stream down his face as he fell to his knees. Josh let himself cry, which he rarely did. 

It worked, at least for this time. His eyes calmed down and the water hitting him started to actually feel cold. Josh stood up and assessed his own body. Thankfully, it was all still in tact. He let out a sigh of relief. 

Once his body calmed down enough, he left the shower. He sat on his bed and looked at the floor. 

He waited an hour to text Tyler. 

Josh: I love you. 

Tyler: I love you too.

He was screwed . 

Chapter Text

None of it was real.

Tyler was guilty.

He was a liar.

He was going to ruin everything if the facade fell. 

Tyler was fine, sure. He was fine. Everything was going well. He had the best boyfriend in the world who had genuinely never done anything wrong. He had a great band, with the most amazing fans on the planet. Tyler had it all. He did. 

Josh deserved better. He was too good for a lying, evil boyfriend such as Tyler.

Tyler hadn’t been doing great for a long time. 

The only time he felt normal was when he was in Josh’s arms, or on stage. 

Other than that? Tyler was probably the most fucked up, useless person in the world. His body was the only thing he was good for. Sex and performance. That was his purpose. That’s it. Music is what kept him from just killing himself.

Josh was too good for him. He had stolen Josh from someone else, surely. There was a wonderful person out there missing their person because Tyler was greedy. Josh still didn’t know who he was, and it ate Tyler alive. It was over an entire year and Josh still didn’t know. Tyler should have found comfort in that. But it only made him feel worse. 

He wasn’t sure how it started. 

The day his band got signed was the best day of his life. 

He got to spread the message of hope and staying alive with the world. More people would get access to his silly little band. He could make a real difference. If he could get one kid to stop hurting themselves, or one kid to put down the gun to their head, it was worth it. If he could save just one life with his music, he would be happy. 

He was happy and that was the problem. His brain wasn’t going to allow him to feel anything good. So long as there was just a twinge of his brain active, Tyler was miserable. Tyler wished he could listen to his own words in his own music. But he just couldn’t.

Tyler was too impulsive to listen. 

He used Josh over and over and over and over. This time, he didn’t tell him.

At least he wasn’t using Josh’s body. That was messed up and Tyler never forgave himself for it. Even though it had been seven months ago, Tyler fucking hated himself for it. He would never forget the pained look on Josh’s face; the mistrust shattered him. 

Of course, Josh didn’t know he was doing this. He would never know, because Tyler was smart about it.  

He’d come to Josh and tell him he fell and hurt his elbow, so that Josh would heal him to cover up any evidence of what Tyler was doing. 

It wasn’t like he was really hurting anyone. It was just an easy way for him to release whatever was going on in his head, and it helped. Tyler would feel the fear and guilt every time, but Josh would just make them go away if Tyler asked.

It was the day that they would be releasing their album. First, they would play it front to back in a show. It was a sold out show of five-thousand people. 

They were getting too far too fast. Tyler wasn’t sure he was ready to have fame like this. Only a year and some change ago, he was just a secretary at a small church. But this strange man entered his life and changed everything. 

Tyler was excited, but his nerves were taking over. What if he disappointed everyone?

Tyler needed an outlet. He needed something. Tyler was slipping away, and soon his final resting place would be the crevices of his brain. He was safe there, where no one would be able to see him. 

“Hey. Are you doing okay?” Josh asked, gently rubbing Tyler’s back. 

Tyler came back to the real world and looked up at Josh, “Yeah. Why do you ask?” 

“You were spacing out again.” 

“I wasn’t. I was just thinking for a moment. I’m good.” Tyler smiled, “I love you.”

Tyler forgot where he was. What was he doing again? He knew Josh was there. And he knew it wasn’t home. 

“I love you too. You need to get dressed.” Josh said, “we have to be ready to go out in a half hour.” 

They were about to perform a show. Tyler remembered now. Their new album was releasing and they were performing the album for thousands of people. He knew that. Tyler literally knew that. Why did he let himself get so distracted with his own thoughts? What an idiot. 

“I can get dressed quickly, don’t you worry.” Tyler faked a smile, “wanna make out?” 

He needed something to distract his brain. He needed a good coping mechanism. He needed Josh to level head him before he would go and perform one of the biggest shows of his career. 

“Here? In the dressing room?” Josh asked.

Tyler needed something, anything. Something. He needed it before he combusted. 

“Yeah, whatever, you know?” Tyler shrugged and propped himself on the vanity, “nothing wild. I just wanna kiss you. I think it’ll calm my nerves a bit.”

Tyler wanted something else other than kissing, but not here. He wouldn’t ruin this moment for himself like he ruined others. He needed his heart to beat at a normal rate. He wasn’t even nervous to perform. He loved to perform, it was the only place where he felt like himself. He was real when he was on stage. 

He was just nervous about everything else and he wasn’t sure how to cope with it in healthy ways. 

“I will never say no to kissing you.” Josh got in between Tyler’s legs. 

Tyler instinctively wrapped them around him, “I love you. I want to perform shows and make out with you in the green room before every single show. I want this forever.”

“Me too.” Josh pressed their lips together. Tyler wanted nothing more than to slip his tongue in. He wanted to make the kiss intense so he could really get distracted. But he knew if he did, he wouldn’t stop. He’d want Josh to just handle him in this room. Sex was what he was good for. It balanced him.  

Their kiss deepened slightly. There was no tongue, no teeth, and no desperate hands. This was love. Their lips were focused and determined. This was probably what Tyler really needed - someone who reminded him he was a person and worthy of love. 

Josh pulled away, “I’m surprised you’ve kept this so tame.” 

“I’m not. Can you…can you warm yourself up? I know you don’t like to anymore. I’m okay with that. I got selfish with it for a while. But I just want to feel your warmth again.” Tyler didn’t want to beg. But Josh was really holding back on him. He always gave excuses. Tyler could see through them. 

“Not today.” Josh shook his head, “I’m uh. Trying to save my energy for the concert.” 

“Okay.” Tyler kissed him again and tried to hide his disappointment. 

He knew something was wrong with Josh, but he wasn’t sure what. He knew him well enough to know when something was wrong. Tyler knew something was very wrong when Josh refused to teleport them a few weeks prior. He didn’t like that Josh was keeping something from him. 

But Tyler lied to himself as well. He told the forefront of his brain that Josh was just holding back so he didn’t accidentally reveal himself to anyone. Josh wouldn’t lie to Tyler like that. He would have told him if something was wrong. 

At least that’s what Tyler told himself. 

Tyler found himself disassociating again. He let his lips take over for him as his mind wandered elsewhere. 

He thought about Josh and where he came from. They joked that Josh was an angel, just because of his similar his abilities were. Tyler was more convinced that he was an alien. Angels were supposed to be all powerful, genuine, and holy. Josh just seemed too normal. He seemed too human to be something like an angel. 

Angels probably weren’t real anyway. 

He’d had a lot of doubts lately about his faith. Tyler didn’t actually believe in angels anymore. He wasn’t sure about God, either. If God was real, he wouldn’t have made Tyler like this. Sure, “everything happened for a reason” but Tyler wasn’t sure this was a good thing.

He pulled away from the kiss, “Josh. Do you still believe in God?” He asked. 

Josh looked taken aback, “Wh-? Where did that come from?” He almost laughed. 

“We’ve been away from the church for so long…” Tyler moved away completely. He pointed to a couch and Josh sat down. Tyler got on his lap and pressed his face against Josh’s neck. 

“And? We take God with us wherever we go. We don’t need to go to church to know that.” Josh rubbed Tyler’s back as he let his hands go lower. 

“I’m sure that’s true. But at the same time..” Tyler began, “I don’t know. I sound like an idiot.”

“No, it’s okay.” Josh moved his hands back up, “what made you think of this suddenly?” 

“I’m just thinking a lot. I’m so in my head about it. I’ve been trying to get back into writing music and I’ve had a lot of doubts. I feel like…I’m sorry. I sound like such an idiot. We need to go on stage soon and I’m sitting here acting like a fool.” 

“It’s okay, Tyler.” Josh warmed himself up. Tyler pressed harder against him. He missed Josh’s warm body. It was a comfort that Tyler forgot he needed until he didn’t have it anymore. 

“I don’t think it is. I’m doubting the one thing I’ve been so sure of my whole life. I never thought I’d feel this way.” 

“God is real, Tyler. I just know it, okay? Have faith. You’ve always been so faithful. You just need to have faith in what you can’t see, Tyler.” 

“How can you be so sure?” Tyler pulled himself up and looked into Josh’s eyes, “you’ve barely even been conscious long enough to know. You cannot be so sure unless you know something I don’t.” 

“I just have a lot of faith. God has given me this band, a life, a place to live, and a job I love. And most importantly, God has given me you. And you are enough to make me believe in a higher power.” 

Tyler could cry if he didn’t feel so numb. 

He faked a smile, “That’s sweet. You’re too sweet.” He forced himself to kiss Josh again, “maybe I’m just being stupid.”

“You’re not stupid. You’re just a little stressed out.” 

“No. I feel stupid. I keep doubting everything. I doubt God too often, when I know he’s given me everything. I’m just not thankful enough.” Tyler pressed himself against Josh. 

Why don’t we do some stretches before the show to get you ready.” Josh stopped being warm and his hand was shaking slightly, “this is the first time you’re going to perform some of these songs. I think that’s exciting. I’m excited.” 

Tyler could tell Josh was nervous. He didn’t seem nervous about the show, however. He was nervous about something.  Tyler hated being lied to. He was certain Josh was lying about something. 

“Me too.” Tyler got off of him and started to do their normal stretches they did before the show. 

Mark knocked on the door, “are you guys decent? Please be honest with me.”

“Yes. We’re dressed and everything.” Tyler called out, “we’re just stretching.”

“Normal stretching?” Mark asked. Tyler could tell his hand was hovering over the doorknob. 

“Yes, Jesus.” Tyler laughed. 

Mark walked in with his camera around his neck, “are you guys almost ready? You go on soon.” 

“Yeah. We’re dressed.” Josh stood up and walked over to Mark.

“Are you guys excited? This is a pretty big deal.” Mark took a picture of Tyler as he was still stretching. 

“Yeah.” Tyler said simply, “I’m pretty excited. I’m nervous too, but I know that’s going to go away as soon as I get on stage.” He wasn’t even sure what he was saying anymore. He just said the usual pre-written answer when people asked him how he felt before a show. He always felt the same. Numb until he got on stage. He was sick of everyone asking him all the time. 

“I’ll be there with you guys. I think I’ll get some from the sides of the stage, the crowds, and a lot of you. I can’t wait to post these on everything. Your fans are more than excited. I think there were people waiting in line since five in the morning.” 

“Really? That’s awesome.” Josh looked over at Tyler and took his hand.
Tyler squeezed it, “I’m…I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“There’s thousands of people out there waiting for you guys.” Mark took another picture, “and a lot of people online are excited to hear the songs for the first time.”

Tyler pulled Josh in for a kiss, “there out there to see Josh’s hot abs.”

“Guys, come on. Not while I’m in here.” Mark covered his eyes. 

“It’s just a kiss. Get over it, Mark.” Tyler teased, “are you going to protest at our wedding?” 

“No, I’m just traumatized from the amount of times I’ve walked in on you guys.” Mark shook his head, “I’ll see you boys out there. Start getting ready by the stage so you’re there when they give you your cue.”

“Yeah, yeah. We got it.” Josh nodded. Another person came into their room to tell them the same thing. 

It was weird to have a team to encourage them and force them to do things. He had help from people who did this for a job. It wasn’t just people offering and volunteering. Tyler was responsible for a team of people who relied on him. One more thing to add to his list of stressors. 

It was like a blur before they got on stage. People ushering them, getting in place, and then finally running on stage to start Ode to Sleep. 

Tyler still couldn’t keep his eyes off of Josh. Even when he had to be focused, his eyes were on Josh and his drums. 

It was so exhilarating, as it always was. Tyler problems were gone when he was on stage. Even if things messed up, or he sang the wrong lyric, he was happy. He loved interacting with the crowd. When they’d hold him up during Holding On To You, he couldn’t help but study their faces. 

Everyone seemed so happy to be near him. They screamed and yelled his name. Tyler had made it. He really had. And he was so grateful for the fans who loved him. He was grateful for Josh who played with him. 

All his stress, and all of his problems, were gone. 

They got through the entire album. Tyler had the time of his life - it was their biggest crowd to date. 

Tyler had noticed one thing. 

They only had one song left before the encore. They went through Vessel and skipped over Trees. Trees was always last. But Tyler had noticed Josh radiating heat every time he walked by. If Josh was so against using his heat to calm Tyler, then why was he so okay doing it while playing?

Tyler had finished Truce on his own. He always cried when he played the song. It had meant so much to him, and to play the song for the first time for his fans, meant more than he thought. 

He glanced up at the crowd, who was quieter than usual, with tears in his eyes. He had finished the song and the crowd erupted with tears. He laughed to himself and looked at Josh. 

Josh looked back at him with love. It was almost like he was glowing. He had done so well and they matched each others energy as they always did. Tyler loved Josh so much. 

He walked over to him and turned the mic off, “are you ready for the encore?” He asked as they ‘walked off’ so they could hear the crowd beg for more. 

Once they were out of sight of the crowd, Tyler kissed Josh. Most of their crew knew anyway and had to sign a contract of secrecy. His lips were burned. Tyler touched his lips and felt the tears form again. 

“Why are you so hot?” He asked, “you’re never hot when we perform.”

“I’m not.” Josh frowned. 

“Look at my lips, Josh. I’m in pain. What the hell?” Tyler started shaking, “what the fuck?”

“It’s nothing. Don’t think anything of it, Tyler. It’s okay.” Josh had touched Tyler’s cheek and Tyler stepped back. He liked pain. But he was not prepared for this kind of pain. He didn’t want it from Josh anymore. He only wanted love. And Josh lying to him like this didn’t feel like love. 

“Nothing? Nothing?” Tyler tried not to yell. He could hear the crowd outside begging for more. They had almost no time until they had to go back out to perform the bonus tracks and Trees. 

“Can we talk about this later? I promise it’s-“ 

“No. It’s not nothing! We are doing this right now. You’ve never done this before. You’re usually fine. What’s going on? ” Tyler’s voice was raising. 

“Guys. You need to go back on stage.” One of their stage managers walked over to Tyler. 

Tyler moved Josh away from the stage manager so he wouldn’t feel how hot Josh was. Tyler was fuming. 

“Go on stage. We can talk about this tonight after the show, okay?” Josh said softly. 

“Sure. Fine. Whatever. It’s fine.” Tyler huffed. 

They went out to perform the next four songs. 

Tyler decided to do a speech before Trees. 

“I just want to thank every single one of you.” Tyler stood on his piano bench and looked out to the crowd, “and I wish I could talk to all of you. These songs mean so much to me, and I’m sure they mean a lot to you too. We wouldn’t be here without you. I wouldn’t be here without you. And I wouldn’t be here without Josh.” Tyler looked at Josh. The crowd went crazy with that comment. 

Josh put his hand on his own chest and smiled at Tyler. 

“To come up here and perform with my best friend is a dream come true. Even when…even when things are rocky, Josh is there for me. He’s the best drummer, and the best friend I have ever known. Can we give it up for Josh?” He said the last sentence loudly and the crowd went insane. 

“I hope you all live through these songs. Connect with them, or disconnect through them. Either way, I made them because I had something to say. I hope all of you find your voices. Never stop creating, and never stop having love in your hearts.” He glanced at Josh when he said that. 

Tyler then sat down on his stool. He kept his eyes on Josh as he started Trees. Their eyes were locked for most of the song. 

They got up and got their mallets to finish off the song. They performed it like they usually did. But…

Near the end, Josh’s mallets lit on fire. 

Tyler gasped and tried to continue his performance but he couldn’t help but hesitate. He got back into it immediately, but it had to be clear to the crowd that no one expected it. 

Josh kept going even though his mallets and in turn his hands were on fire. And Josh acted like it was nothing. 

Tyler could blow up at him. 

The crowd liked it at least. They were screaming and recording him like their lives depended on it. It was going to be everywhere on Twitter and Tyler could die. He could kill Josh. He was so pissed off that he violently threw the mallets at the crowd when he was done and walked off without Josh. 

“Hey. Wait up.” Josh ran off after Tyler. 

Tyler made it to their dressing room without speaking, “don’t even try to touch me right now.” He went to the room’s corner and immediately got on the floor. 

“Tyler, it’s not.” 

“Not what I think? Here’s what I think. I think something’s wrong and you’re refusing to tell me. Or, you don’t know what’s wrong and you’re trying to take care of it yourself. I’m your boyfriend , Josh. I’m here for whatever.” Tyler started to ramble and tried not to cry. He didn’t want to get like this. He wanted Josh to hold him. He wanted Josh to comfort him and make love to him and tell him it didn’t matter. 

But Josh just stood over him with bright eyes. Tyler didn’t bother to close his own. Let Josh blind him. He had balled fists that shook with an emotion Tyler couldn’t read. Josh was quiet but he spoke with his face. It was angry and Tyler couldn’t help but feel terrified of him. Tyler bit his lip and eventually looked away. 

“I see how it’s going to be.” Tyler said softly. 

Josh still didn’t speak. His eyes only shined brighter so Tyler squeezed his eyes shut. 

Tyler could hear Josh kneel down, “Tyler…” he sighed. 

“What?” Tyler could feel the heat radiate on to his face, “just tell me.” 

“It’s nothing. I’m just…” Josh lost the ability to speak. 

“I’m sure you just want to forget this happened and move on? You want to just have sex and never talk about it again?” 

“Kind of.” Josh sighed again. 

“Fine. Cool yourself off.” Tyler sighed, “you better make love to me so hard that I forget I’m even mad at you.” He curled into himself and started to genuinely cry. 

“I can’t even comfort you right now. I don’t know how long it’s going to take for my body to be back to normal.” Josh sighed. 

“Whatever. Just leave me alone, then.” He looked up again, “I’m serious.” 

“Tyler…”

“I’ll see you at home. Get the fuck away from me right now. I love you  But I don’t want to look at you..” 

“I love you too.” Josh sighed and left the room. His eyes must have been fixed enough that he could leave. 

Tyler stood up and looked for something. For anything. He needed to see red and feel something that wasn’t anger and frustration. Tyler found a pair of scissors. Good enough for him. It would work. 

Tyler barely felt bad for doing it anymore. 

He arrived at Josh’s apartment about an hour later. He hid his wrist well enough and forced Josh to heal his lips that were burned from earlier. It also healed the stupidity from the dressing room. 

Tyler kissed Josh passionately without a word shared between the two. 

At least Tyler could feel loved and he could trust Josh underneath his sheets. But that was the only place he trusted Josh anymore. 

Chapter Text

Tyler was laying in Josh’s bed, wearing nothing but the tears on his eyes. Josh wasn’t sure what he could say that would make anything better. He had been so deep in his lies that he wasn’t even sure what he had told Tyler anymore. He was staring up at Josh’s ceiling with a blank stare. When Josh tried to touch him, he turned on to his side.  

Josh was almost thankful for this. He could tell his body was getting warm again after he climaxed. It wasn’t hot like before, but he wasn’t at a normal temperature. 

“Tyler, come on.” Josh sighed.

Tyler huffed.

“I…What do you even want me to say to you?” 

“Nothing.” Tyler could barely speak. 

It was still fresh in his mind. It was still the night of their concert. Tyler came over after a few hours and they had sex immediately. But now, that was over. They had to face their problems head on, or nothing would get solved. Josh was panicking in head, because there was nothing he could say that would work. He could tell Tyler a partial truth. Even then, it would do nothing but stress him out even more. 

“There has to be something I can do.” Josh said, “something I could say…”

“You could fuck me again. Seems to be the only time I like you anymore.”

“Tyler…”

“Sorry. That’s not true. I love you. But I’m mad at you. How could you lie to me to my face like that?” Tyler moved his body further away from Josh, “And you embarrassed me at our show.”

“How did I embarrass you?” Josh asked, ‘No one even noticed that you messed up during Trees.”

“ I messed up? Are you fucking kidding me?” Tyler finally turned around so he was face to face with Josh. 

“You did hesitate during the end…” Josh was digging a deeper hole. 

“Why is that?” Tyler’s voice was raised a bit as he sat up, “who’s fault is that? Certainly not mine.” He laughed.

“Doesn’t mean that it didn’t happen.” Josh sat up too.

“You were on fire! Literally! ” Tyler exclaimed, “how else was I supposed to react to that? Did you want me to cheer like it was some trick? Oh boy! Josh lit on fire! That’s certainly very normal! Fuck you.” 

“What the fuck do you want me to say, Tyler? I’m fucking dying.” Josh laughed. He immediately covered his mouth. He should not have said that. 

Tyler was silent.

“What do you mean?” His voice was quiet. Josh looked into Tyler’s eyes to see some kind of meaning behind his eyes. Confusion, hurt, and fear seemed to cloud his irises. 

Josh couldn’t answer that. 

“Josh.” Tyler crawled over to Josh on the bed. He climbed on to his lap and wrapped his arms around Josh’s neck. 

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Josh refused to match his eyes.

“Talk to me, please. What do you mean?” Tyler tried to move his head to look at Josh.

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’m actually dying or anything…” Josh lied, “it’s just a hunch I have.”

“Don’t lie to me.” Tyler frowned again, “I know you well enough to know how you lie. You backtrack and make up some other excuse. Please, be real with me for once.” 

Josh didn’t realize he had a habit of doing that when he lied. Tyler saw right through him. Josh wondered what other lies Tyler caught him on. He shouldn’t worry about that now, because he needed to focus on this lie. Josh cupped Tyler’s face and pulled him down for another kiss.

Tyler groaned into the kiss and yanked his head back, “don’t kiss me when I’m calling you out.”

“Sorry. I have been burning up and catching fire recently. I did it when you basically forced me to transport you to Taco Bell. Every time I heal you, it’s like I start to burn again. I’m losing whatever juice I had when I first gained consciousness. I don’t know how to get it back, and I’m worried that I’m not going to get it back. I’m worried that it’s going to kill me if I’m not careful. That’s it. I promise.” Josh wondered how believable that was.

“Oh.” Tyler nodded and looked away again, “it’s been going on for that long?” 

“It’s been going on since July.” Josh admitted.

“July? What?” Tyler frowned, “And you kept it from me? Why?”

“I don’t know. You had a lot to focus on, and I thought that it would just make it worse to bring this up. I tried to handle it on my own.” 

“You shouldn’t have. I’m not a toddler. I have my own issues, but we’re a couple. We work through things together. You don’t have to be alone in this.” Tyler pressed a kiss to Josh’s neck, “I’m with you until the end of this. But you have to be honest with me. You said it when we first got together. No more secrets.”

“I know, I know. But I wasn’t really sure that it was this bad until now. I think if I just really hold back on using any of my powers, I’ll be fine. I promise. I think I’ve been able to hold it off this long because I’ve avoided using them unless necessary.” Josh hated this. He hated talk to Tyler about serious things like this. He kept avoiding it because he just couldn’t acknowledge the possibility of either dying or having to leave to keep his life. 

Josh still wasn’t sure what would happen once it got too late. He didn’t want to risk it.

Tyler’s face fell a bit more than it already had, “the biggest problem I’m seeing right now, Josh, is that even when you don’t use your power, you’re still doing this. What happened tonight was terrifying. I was scared. I was pissed at you too. But I was mostly scared, because my boyfriend was on fire. You kept acting really weird. See how easy it is when you’re honest?” Now Tyler was entering the territory where he just had to be right. He would act smug about it.

This is what being in a relationship really was. It was ugly, and it was horrifying. It wasn’t just sex and spending time together. It was the rough edges and the tears. It was the doubt and fear of losing trust. It was the looming anxiety that one day, the giddy feeling would be gone and all that would be left was the empty hole. What if one day, Tyler didn’t love him anymore? Or worse, Josh got bored with this and decided to move on?

Josh was bad at this. 

Josh knew how humans were. Josh was about as human as an angel could get at that point. He was on Earth so long, and he felt emotions angels shouldn’t have felt. He had been enamored with Tyler for so long that he didn’t think being in a relationship would turn into this. Josh had romanticized him in his head for so long that he didn’t think about the fact that Tyler was a sensitive person. He was broken, and it was supposed to be Josh’s job to fix him. He felt like he was failing at every challenge Tyler gave him. Josh was failing his first assignment. 

He fell deeply in love instead of trying to make Tyler happy.
He was selfish. And possessive. And manipulative.

All because Josh wanted to keep his human close and not risk letting him slip from his fingers.

In turn, it was driving Tyler away. Josh was more afraid of losing Tyler than losing his body. 

“Josh?” Tyler asked and got off of his lap. He sat next to Josh on the bed and took his hand. 

Josh looked over at him, “huh?”

“You’ve been staring straight ahead for a solid minute. You’re acting like me now.” Tyler teased, “It’s okay if you have nothing to say to what I said. I understand. We don’t have to talk about it. You told me what’s happening, and that’s what’s important.”
“How can you be so calm?” Josh asked, “I’ve been freaking out to myself about this for months. You seemed more upset that I wasn’t telling you than the fact that I might not be here for much longer.”

“Because now that I know, I can help you. I’m freaking out, of course. You have no idea what’s running through my head right now. It’s going in every which direction and I’m afraid. But I can be here for you to work through whatever you’re going through.“ Tyler rubbed his thumb on Josh’s hand without looking at him. 

“I’m sorry.” Josh looked down. 

“Thank you.” Tyler nodded, “I appreciate the apology. I can’t tell you it’s okay, because it’s not. It’s bad. This is really bad, Josh. But I’m with you until the end. I’ll stay by your side. You can’t escape me, Josh.” 

“I love you.” Josh said, “you’re too nice to me. You should be kicking me out right now.”

“I would never do that.” Tyler shook his head, “I don’t care what you did. We’ll work through it, okay? Besides, I wouldn’t kick you out. Then we’d have to reevaluate our band and I can’t do that shit without you. No other drummer matches me like you do.” 

Josh laughed, “of course you think of the band too.” 

“Well, yeah. I don’t think we’d be together if it wasn’t for the band. I think hearing you drum was one of the first things that made me crush on you. Like yeah, I always thought you were hot. The lip ring got me. I love emo boys.” Tyler started to do his usual rambles that Josh loved. He could sit there and listen to him ramble on about something for hours. 

Tyler kept going. Josh didn’t bother stopping him, because it was a good distraction. 

“What time is it?” Tyler asked after a while. 

“Three.” Josh glanced at his phone. 

“Damn.” Tyler sighed, “it’s still earlier than I thought it was.” 

“It’s still pretty late. You should get to bed. We have an interview at eleven tomorrow. We have to wake up at eight.” 

“I guess.” Tyler whined, “I don’t want to go to sleep.” 

“You had a show. I can tell you’re exhausted, Tyler.” 

“Yeah, but if I go to sleep, I won’t get to see you.” Tyler sighed. 

“You’ll see me tomorrow. You see me almost every second of your life.” Josh laughed a bit, “I promise, I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

“Yeah.” Tyler looked down. He looked to be lost in thought, and then he looked back up at Josh. 

“What?” He asked with a smile. 

“Can you lay on your back again?” Tyler asked. 

“Why?” Josh furrowed his brows but laid down. They had been sitting up next to each other holding hands for a while. 

“I wanna ride you one more time before I go to sleep.” Tyler got on top of Josh. They were still naked from the sex they had around an hour ago. 

“Oh. Okay.” Josh nodded and ran his hands across Tyler’s thighs, “but don’t go too hard.”

Tyler frowned, “why? I’m not that tired. It’s not like it’ll hurt me or something. We already had sex tonight.” He put his arm behind him so he could start to stroke Josh to get him hard. 

“Because the sex we had earlier was angry. I want to love you this time.” Josh moaned softly, “I want to remind you how in love with you I am.” 

Tyler’s face turned red. He bent down and connected their lips. The kiss was soft yet wet. Josh slid his hands up to cup Tyler’s cheeks. They were silent as they let their bodies talk for them. 

Josh felt so much love in his fake heart and it was eating him up. He wanted to use Tyler as his new vessel and let them be one person. He wanted to be connected to him for the rest of time. 

This was a kind of love that he knew would kill him. 

“I love you.” Tyler said as he grabbed the lube from next to them, “and I want to love you forever.” 

“Me too.” Josh moaned when he felt Tyler sink down on him. He moved his hands to Tyler’s hips. Their bodies moved in a perfect symphony with each other. It wasn’t rushed or desperate. They took their time. 

Tyler would roll his hips and Josh would watch the sweat glisten from his forehead.  

“You’re beautiful, Tyler.” He said, “I love seeing you like this. You’re perfect for me.” 

“Stop.” Tyler smiled and leaned down to kiss him again. 

The sex was soft and gentle. It was longer than usual because both men wanted to savor the time they had with each other. 

“I’m close.” Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall back. 

Why did he feel the pressure of his grace threatening to escape his eyes? He hadn’t done this during sex in months. 

“Look at me.” Tyler moaned, “wanna see you when I cum. I love you.” 

Josh didn’t open his eyes. He thrusted up a few times and climaxed inside of Tyler. He felt his body shake and rapidly heat up. 

“Ow! Ow!” Tyler quickly got off of him immediately after his body became hot. Tyler didn’t cum himself because he was in too much pain, “what the fuck is going on, Josh?” 

Tyler was writhing in pain.

Josh was so selfish. 

All he had to do was go back to Heaven and Tyler’s pain would stop. He could find a new drummer and a new boyfriend. Josh wouldn’t have to worry about his body anymore and Tyler could live his life. 

But Josh was selfish. He wanted to stay. It was one thing when he was in pain himself. Josh could handle it. He'd never get to return to Tyler again. If he left even for a minute, he would have to move on to someone else. 

The fact he just genuinely hurt Tyler was killing him. 

He wasn’t sure how much longer he could get away with this. Tyler knew about his body now, but not why. 

“I can’t deal with this.” Tyler started to cry. 

Josh quickly healed him, no matter how badly it hurt his body. 

“I can’t even have sex with you anymore?” Tyler wiped his eyes. 

“Don’t say that.” Josh frowned. 

“Don’t say that? We were having the softest sex we’ve ever had. And your body burned me.” Tyler was turned away from him again, “and 

Josh quickly pressed his fingers on Tyler to knock him out. 

He felt his body getting hotter and hotter. He had just used his power a lot. He ran out of bed to get into a cold shower so he didn’t light Tyler’s bed on fire. 

This was bad. 

This was very very bad. 

—

Josh and Tyler both waited in the weird room outside of the radio station. 

They had a short interview with a radio show host to promote their new album. 

They’d had interviews many times. Josh was used to them and Tyler usually did most of the talking. Tyler seemed quiet. They didn’t talk much in the morning or on the way there. 

It didn’t seem like an angry kind of silence. The two just didn’t know how to talk to each other after what happened. 

Josh forcing Tyler to sleep made it worse in both ways.  

“Do you think we’ll ever get to… dance again?” Tyler said. It was the first real thing Tyler had said to him that morning. The only times they spoke was when they were being professional. They showered together in silence, and the car ride was quiet as well. 

“I don’t know.” Josh replied, “I don’t want to think about that when we’re about to go into a professional interview.” 

“I know. I just can’t get it out of my head.” Tyler frowned. 

“It’ll be okay. We just have to be careful. I think it’ll fine.” Josh wanted to take his hand, but there were other people in the building who could walk in any minute. 

“No it won’t.” Tyler shook his head, “I don’t know how much longer I’ll have you for.” 

“Don’t talk like that.” Josh shook his head, “we still don’t know what’s happening.”

“I can only imagine it keeps getting worse. You said this has been happening for months. I’m sure the past week has just been bad, right?” Tyler frowned at him. 

Josh was sick of talking about this. 

“I don’t want to talk about this right now.” Josh frowned. 

“Of course you don’t.” Tyler laughed bitterly. 

“We can talk later. But not right now. We’re on at any point and I want to go on with a positive outlook.” 

“We can’t go two minutes without arguing. This is so funny to me.” 

“It’s not funny to me.” Josh frowned. 

“It was sarcasm.” Tyler rolled his eyes. He was in one of his bitter moods again. Tyler could get cynical often when he was upset. 

He was so sick of it. He felt his body getting hot with anger at the fact that Tyler wouldn’t just drop it. 

“I get it was sarcasm. But this isn’t the place.” Josh huffed, “I’m going to the bathroom.” He could feel his body shake. 

“Going to the bathroom? You don’t use the bathroom. Are you just running away from me?” Tyler frowned. 

“God, Tyler.” Josh huffed. There he went, taking his fathers name in vain again. That’s how frustrated he was. Why was he so angry? 

All of his frustration and fear culminated into his body. Josh got up fast and ran away to the bathroom. He didn’t give Tyler any time to storm off towards him. 

Josh wasn’t sure what was happening. 

He hadn’t even used his powers that day. He was just upset. He had been scared often, but the anger wasn’t there. His grace always reacted to extreme emotions. When he was having sex, when he was overly angry, when he performed, and when he was shocked. 

Last time he felt this angry was when he threatened Zack. 

Why was he so angry? They’d had a similar conversation before. They just argued about this. He hated arguing with Tyler. He hated it. 

He was going to lose his mind. He wasn’t made for these human emotions.  He wasn’t made for this. He was made to be an emotionless shell who pushed a human in the right direction and fucked off. 

He wasn’t made for love. 

He gripped the sink and felt his whole body shaking rapidly. He knew he was catching on fire again. He just knew without having to look up.

He was in so much pain. 

“Fuck, Tyler.” Josh squeezed his eyes shut. He needed Tyler there with him. He didn’t care if Tyler was why he was angry. He needed him there. Josh couldn’t do this alone anymore. He couldn’t.

Josh felt his body shake, but not in the way that was just his nerves. No, his body was like an earthquake. He was like a volcano threatening to erupt. Josh opened his eyes and looked into the mirror. It was white. The whole room was illuminated white from the grace slipping through his eyes. 

“Stop. No no no.” He turned the cold water on and tried to cool off at least his hands. 

Nothing was working. 

Nothing. 

Josh couldn’t calm down. 

He couldn’t breathe. 

He wasn’t sure what was happening. 

Was this it? 

Was his vessel finally failing?

Josh felt the warmth under his skin erupt from under him. The sound of shattered glass and a cracked mirror filled the entire room. His body hurt. Josh wasn’t sure he had a body anymore. 

There was another loud noise, one that made his ears ring, that reminded him of a bomb . He covered his ears and screamed. 

Josh knew nothing came out from his lips. All of it could be in his head. 

Josh could just be fine and it was just a panic attack. Humans had those often. Tyler had those daily. It was fine. Maybe Josh was fine. 

“Josh? What the fuck?” Tyler knocked on the door, “dude are you dying in there? I heard glass shatter? No one else was in the waiting room and no one else freaked out. But it sounds really bad in there. Are you good?” 

“ Don’t come in here!” Josh hissed. He could barely speak. 

“It’s locked. I can’t come in anyway. Can you open the door?” Tyler shouted. 

“No!” Josh panted. 

It took a solid minute for his body to calm down. It took a lot less time than he had expected. He finally managed to open his eyes and see. 

The whole room was destroyed. The window was broken, the mirror cracked, and the faucets had fallen off. The tiles in the floor had come out of the plaster and were scattered throughout the room. The paper towels were still on fire, crackling like a campfire. 

Josh looked down at his skin. It looked fine. His face was fine. But he felt awful. His whole body was jelly. He felt like he performed ten shows all at once and then a marathon. He was tired, which was a feeling he’d never had before. 

He unlocked the door for Tyler and immediately collapsed on the ground.

Chapter Text

“Did you unlock the door? Josh? Josh? Are you okay?” Tyler knocked on the door again. 

He couldn’t wait for an answer.

He opened the door. 

“Josh?!?!” He exclaimed and dropped to the ground next to him. Josh had never passed out before. Tyler wasn’t even sure Josh was alive or not. He put a hand on his neck to check for a pulse. It was there, but subtle. Tyler sighed in relief. He wasn’t sure what to do. He could tell by the disastrous state of the bathroom that something really really bad had happened. 

“No no no no no no.” Tyler’s body immediately went on shut down. 

Tyler closed the door to make sure no one else would be able to come in and see this. He pressed his hand against Josh’s chest again. He didn’t know CPR or any other kind of life saving techniques. Josh wasn’t human, so Tyler wasn’t sure any of that would work anyway. 

His body was still pretty hot, but not too bad that Tyler couldn’t touch him. He must have used all of his energy during whatever blow up he had.

What was he supposed to do if the whole room looked like Josh took a sledgehammer into it? 

He hoped no one else heard this. It would be a disaster. They’d be blacklisted from every radio station. They’d be over as a band if everyone thought Josh had behavior problems like this. Tyler needed to think of an excuse and incredibly fast.

“Josh?” Tyler slightly shook him because he didn’t know what else could work.

Nothing.

“Fuck. What am I supposed to do?” He felt tears form in his eyes. He needed something. He needed something to alleviate the stress, but he couldn’t when Josh was right there in front of him. There was so much broken glass and shards around him that it was so tempting. He could blame it on some kind of accident. The glass fell and hit him. 

But that wouldn’t work, because the glass was on the other side of the room. Tyler was stuck. He had so much emotion flowing out of him, and no way to stop it. He needed to be calm. He needed to see the crimson that would flow down his wrist to remind him that he was human. 

Josh was more important right now. Tyler had no room to be selfish. Josh was important. Think of Josh. He couldn’t think of himself because Josh would hate him if he woke up and saw him with a shard of glass in his hand. It would be dripping with Tyler’s sin and he would have no excuse. Josh would see him, be disappointed in him, and then probably blow up again. 

Tyler couldn’t be selfish. He couldn’t. 

He wanted to so badly that he could feel himself shaking again. Just one tiny one. Just enough to ease his urges. 

But one turned into more every time. What’s one more? And then one more? 

Tyler let himself cry instead. 

He cried so hard that he was sure God could hear him, if God was even watching him. God didn’t care about Tyler anymore. If God was real, at least. Tyler didn’t even know or care anymore. 

Josh is what mattered. He loved Josh so much that it made him so sick. He loved Josh as if he was God. He was all too forgiving. No matter what Josh did, Tyler would find himself drawn back to him as if he belonged to Josh. Josh created him in his image, so that he could be loved.

That was all lovey bullshit. Tyler was just so insane and in love that he’d believe anything. But he was still fearful that something really bad would happen to Josh, and there would be nothing he could do. 

Tyler couldn’t even save himself, so how was he expected to save his supernatural boyfriend? 

Tyler felt his head go numb. It was the same feeling when Josh knocked him out. His vision went black, and his head slammed against the tile.

Josh was knocked out, so how was this happening?

It was a different kind of knockout. Tyler was barely conscious, but he wasn’t completely out. 

He heard quiet footsteps walk throughout the room. All he could hear were footsteps… 

No breathing, no voices, and no movement of glass.

Just footsteps.

Finally, the footsteps spoke.

“You really did a number in here.” It was a man, but not Josh.

“I don’t…”

“You don’t know how this happened?” The man sighed.

“I don’t.” 

“Well, look what you’ve done.” Tyler could hear the sound of glass being kicked.

“It wasn’t on purpose.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t. But it happened. You have to be careful. One more instance of this and-”

“No.” Josh interrupted.

Who was this person? And why was Josh talking to him like they were friends?

Was Tyler just having a dream? He usually had weird dreams when Josh knocked him out. That’s what this was. It was just a dream.

“I’ll save your ass this one last time. There will not be another time, do you understand?” The voice was stern. Even Tyler was fearful of the demanding tone in his voice. 

“Yes.”

“And the boy?” 

“He’s fine. This isn’t his fault at all. I made the mess. Don’t take it out on him, please.” 

Was this the manager of the radio station? Why would Tyler be blamed for something Josh did?

The more Tyler thought about it, it had to be someone who worked at the station. They were lecturing Josh on what he did to the bathroom. It all clicked in Tyler’s head, and he felt like an idiot.

He probably just passed out from stress. At least Josh was doing okay. He was up and talking and that’s what Tyler cared about. 

“What caused your blow up then?” 

“I was just frustrated. I’ll take care of it. Just don’t take it out on him, okay? He needs this band.” Josh sighed. 

“I understand that. But we can’t have you having these blow ups, especially not in a public setting like this. You are already on thin ice. This one time, I will give you some of my grace, but you can’t tell anyone. This should keep you for a few days. We’re not supposed to do this. You’re just about ready to go underwater, do you understand?”

“Yes.”

Grace? What did that mean? Tyler decided to ignore it. He could be mad at Josh for one thing at a time. He was just glad he was alive. Maybe he meant “grace” like “grace period”. 

“Good. Now clean this up.” 

“Okay. Not sure how I’d do that, but sure.”

“I’m sure it will come to you. You can do most anything if you actually put some effort into it. You’ll never learn.” 

“Fuck you.” Josh huffed a few moments later. 

It took a painfully long amount of time for Josh to walk over to Tyler. He felt Josh’s fingers on his forehead. 

“Hey.” Josh said softly and held a hand out for Tyler to grab. Josh helped Tyler up. He opened his eyes and the room was spotless. It was as if nothing ever happened. 

“What happened?” Tyler asked him, “you were on the ground…and now the room looks perfectly fine.”
“I cleaned it up. You passed out for some reason. I woke up and you were on the ground next to me.” Josh pulled Tyler in for a tight hug, “I figured out I have the ability to heal ‘things’ too.”

“Wouldn’t that take a lot of power?” Tyler asked.

“Yeah. But I think whatever happened to me reset me for a bit.” Josh explained.

“Kind of like a second wind?” Tyler asked. 

“Yeah. But I think cleaning everything up took too much out of me. Can we just go back into the waiting room? I’m sure our interview starts soon.” Josh pressed a kiss on Tyler’s cheek. 

Tyler pushed away any doubts in his head. 

Josh had lied to him before. He was probably lying to him again. But Tyler chose to ignore it for now. He loved Josh. He wanted to remember what was important. If it was important, Josh would tell him now. He had to have learned his lesson from last time. 

“Yeah. It’s been a while.” Tyler checked his phone, “it’s been twenty minutes. They probably think we’ve abandoned them.”

“Maybe. Mark should be there by now. Maybe he’s smoothing it over?” Josh shrugged. They left the bathroom together.

Mark was standing outside the door with his arms crossed. 

“Hi, Mark.” Tyler smiled sheepishly.

“Hello, guys. Want to tell me why you two are walking out of the single use restroom together, and you are late to your interview? Your live interview?” Mark’s face was almost red with anger. 

“Uh…” Tyler looked to see who else was in the room. 

“What do you think, Mark?” Josh laughed, “we got a bit carried away. We can apologize to the station by having Tyler sing something, right?” 

“I guess.” Tyler’s face was red. Now, Mark probably thought they were having sex in that bathroom. It looked so bad for them. First, the guy who worked at the station yelled at Josh, and now everyone was going to think they were having sex in the bathroom. 

“I am going to have a fucking brain bleed because you two can’t keep it to yourselves for five minutes.” He huffed.

Once Mark went towards the studio room, the pair laughed. They laughed too hard. Tyler almost collapsed into Josh’s arms.

“We must have pissed him off so bad.” Tyler was almost crying, “we should go in there before he has a heart attack.”

“I love you so much.” Josh laughed.

“I love you too.”

--

Tyler collapsed onto the bed, panting as he tried to catch his breath. 

Josh pulled out and rolled next to Tyler. He pressed multiple kisses on his face. Tyler shimmied himself into Josh’s arms.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Josh pressed another kiss to his face. Thankfully this time, they were able to have sex without Josh’s body freaking out. This “second wind” was working wonders for them. Tyler hoped it would last a long time. 

Then he could continue to be selfish without worrying about hurting Josh so badly. He knew the day would come where Josh would have to completely quit cold turkey. Then, Tyler could worry about real recovery. For now, he could have the best of both worlds. 

“That was really good.” Tyler closed his eyes and let Josh pepper him with love, “as it usually is.”

“It was with you, so of course it was.” Josh held Tyler tightly to him, “I’m sorry about what happened today.”

Tyler groaned, “please. Let’s not talk about it, okay? We just had sex like three times. I’d rather not think about whatever the fuck happened in that bathroom today.”

“I know you don’t want to. But I told you I’d be more honest with you. I genuinely thought I was dying in there. The worst part is, nothing really caused it. I got upset with you. It was just a strong emotion that almost killed me.” Josh explained.

“Oh.” Tyler pressed his face harder into Josh, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I upset you, I know. But I think I just got overwhelmed because you wouldn’t let up on it. Sometimes, Tyler, when I say I don’t want to talk about something, I mean it.”

“Okay.”

“I think from now on, I just need to try to regulate my emotions better. I’m still trying to get used to all of this. I…” Josh sighed.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain yourself.” Tyler shook his head, “I get it. I can be a lot. I can be annoying and not let up when I’m upset too. It’s been a really bad few days for me.”

“I get it. Just…we need to be more aware of each other’s emotions from now on, okay?” Josh pressed another kiss to his forehead. 

This was Tyler’s fault?

Of course it was. 

Everything was Tyler’s fault.

Everything.

“I have to use the bathroom.” he tried to get out of Josh’s arms. 

“Okay. That’s fair enough. You should probably take a shower.” Josh kissed his forehead again as he let Tyler go.

Tyler basically ran to the bathroom. He gripped his sink and looked at himself. 

A lot of Josh’s problems were Tyler’s fault.

He used him and used him and used him, without giving anything back.

What did he have to offer? Love? His body? The band?

And Josh gave him everything, even if it would kill him.

Tyler let the tears fall freely. He let the waterfalls erode the skin that made up his face. Every day, the canyons in his face grew larger and larger. Tears were normal to him.

He opened his medicine cabinet and pulled out the letter opener that he used. His mother gave it to him. It was his great-grandfather’s. What a way to honor his memory. But it worked. It was sharp, but not so sharp that it would do real damage. But it did the job well enough. 

He knew his sobs were loud. He couldn’t control them anymore. 

What an idiot.

Stupid, idiot.

He ruined everything.

“Tyler?” Josh said against the door. 

Tyler quickly threw it back and slammed the mirror closed. 

“Yeah?” He let out.

“Are you crying?” 

“...Yeah…” 

“Can I come in?”

“..Yeah.”

Josh opened the door. He walked over to Tyler and wrapped his arms around him once more. Tyler didn’t hug back.

“I’m so sorry.” He couldn’t stop the tears.

“It’s okay, Tyler. I promise. It’s all going to be okay. You know I didn’t say those things to mean that anything was your fault. You didn’t know. I upset you, and I’m sorry about that.” 

“We’ll be okay?” Tyler asked.

“Yes. Even if I have to quit my powers all together, we’re going to be okay. I promise. I will always be here for you. You said it yourself, Ty. I can be here for you to work through whatever you’re going through. You don’t have to cry to yourself. You can use me as a tissue. I’ll soak up all your pain, and you can take in mine. That’s what it’s like to love someone.” Josh cupped his cheeks. He slid his thumb across Tyler’s tears. 

Tyler didn’t respond with words. He pressed his lips on Josh’s briefly. Then, he rested his head on Josh’s chest and cried. 

“We’ll figure this out, okay? I want to do everything in my power to stay here with you. I don’t want to lose you, or lose myself.” Josh said softly, “I’ve been an idiot who kept this from you. I know now I shouldn’t have.”

Now would have been a perfect time to tell Josh his own secret. 

But that would mean he’d have to stop. He’d have to get better. 

With Josh quitting his powers, he was going to have to anyway. But he’d still find ways to get around it. If Josh knew, there would be no hiding anything. All of his cards and his heart would be on the table. 

Tyler wanted to show Josh everything, even his bad sides. But he wasn’t ready. Josh was dealing with enough. He didn’t need to have the space to worry about Tyler. 

“Why don’t you go to sleep?” Josh asked, “it’s not that late, but we’ve both had a long day.” 

“Maybe. I don’t want to have sex again.” Tyler said, “I’m…not really into it right now.” 

“That’s okay.” Josh pressed a kiss to his forehead, “we could never have sex again and I wouldn’t care. I just want you.” 

Tyler wanted to break down again. He didn’t deserve this kind of love. 

But he accepted it.

Chapter Text

Tyler was having a good day. 

He really was. 

It had been two weeks since Josh had his major blow up in the radio station. Tyler kept his cool. Everything was going pretty well. Josh’s “second wind” was going really well. 

Tyler was so thankful. He had thanked God, if he existed, for the life he had. 

Tyler had even been keeping it easy on his requests for Josh’s powers. He didn’t want to risk losing them all together. 

He hadn’t cut since then either. He didn’t feel the need to. The shows they had went amazingly well; no fires from Josh again. 

They even had the capacity to look through all their fan comments. The love they had received from everyone filled Tyler’s heart with something he wasn’t sure he had space for. 

They were at Tyler’s parents house. Zack wasn’t home, as he usually wasn’t when Tyler came over with Josh. 

Last time he had seen Zack was when he pleaded for Zack to perform during one of their concerts. He missed his brother, but there wasn’t much he could do when Zack didn’t like his boyfriend too much. 

Tyler made his choice. He chose Josh over everything. 

“I saw some videos from your show in New York last night.” His mother said as she twirled spaghetti with her fork. 

“Yeah? What did you think?” Tyler smiled. 

“Amazing as always. I’m really liking the new setlist you have.” She explained. Tyler couldn’t believe his mom paid so much attention. He knew his dad didn’t really, because a lot of the songs were painful for him. But his mother always listened. 

“Oh! Thank you. Me too.” Tyler nodded. 

“I caught a few videos on Facebook.” His father said, “Maddy showed me. I can’t believe how many likes they get. There’s tens of thousands of them. Even a hundred thousand on a few of them. We’re really proud of you.” 

Tyler’s face was warm. He felt full of warmth and love. Josh was holding his hand and he was eating one of his favorite meals. 

He went from the biggest show so far, to coming home to his parents being proud of him. 

It was too much. 

They finished their meal with more and more praise from his family. 

Did Tyler deserve that?

“Can you do the dishes, honey?” His mother asked. 

“Let’s do them together. I’ll dry and you wash.” Josh said to him. 

“Yeah. That works.” Tyler hated the dishes. He didn’t mind doing them, but he had a dishwasher in his apartment for a reason. He hated the gross wet food and the smell. The smell was the worst part. The mix of food together could make Tyler sick. But he did them anyway, because it was always the job of the people who didn’t cook to do the dishes. 

He gagged a bit when his fingers touched a piece of tomato that someone didn’t eat. 

“Let me wash, then.” Josh moved aside when he saw Tyler flinch whenever he touched something gross. He held out the rag for Tyler to take. He begrudgingly took it. 

“I’m an adult. I can do things I don’t like.” Tyler frowned. 

They did the rest of the dishes in a comfortable silence. Maddy came in when they were almost done and joined their casual chatter. 

Josh was really slipping into their family so easily. They accepted him a year ago and they were just taking him in more and more every day. 

Everything was just coming together that it didn’t feel right. Tyler wasn’t used to peace. He wasn’t used to everything going to plan. 

“Who wants dessert! Oreo ice cream cake.” His mother grinned at the trio by the sink. They all washed their hands and watched her go into the freezer. She pulled the cake out and started to cut it. 

Tyler stared at the knife. He could feel the cold, slow, and meticulous slices rip through his own skin. He needed it to. He was so overwhelmingly happy that he couldn’t physically handle it anymore. 

They ate their cake with light conversations. Tyler was miserable. Happy, but miserable because he was happy. It was awful. He couldn’t let himself have this one thing without fucking it up and ruining it. 

“I gotta use the bathroom before we go.” Tyler said as they cleaned up the paper plates from dessert. 

He had a good two weeks. He behaved but if he didn’t do this, he would have done something drastic. Tyler was his own worst enemy. 

He came back from the bathroom with a big smile on his face. He wasn’t happy with himself. He was frustrated and angry. But he was smiling because he had to seem normal, and he was more than manic. He had to restart his personal timer - again. 

He made sure to flush the wet wipes down the toilet to hide any evidence. 

“You were in there for a while.” Josh said as they got into Tyler’s car. 

“When duty calls, I guess.” Tyler smiled. Humor to hide the pain was Tyler’s favorite coping mechanism. 

Josh made some kind of joke once they got into Tyler’s apartment. He didn’t comprehend any of it, but Josh thought it was funny. He didn’t care what Josh actually said. 

Tyler laughed and gripped on to Josh’s arm for support. He swore he was about to collapse from a fake laughter. 

“I love you... Wanna make out? Haven’t done anything with you in like a week, we’re so busy.” Josh laughed too. 

“Always.” Tyler smiled, “sit down, babe.”

Josh sat on the couch and pulled Tyler on to his lap. Tyler connected their lips together roughly as if it was the last thing he’d ever do. 

Josh pulled away, “take it a bit slower than that, Tyler.” 

“Sorry. Can’t help myself around you.” He smiled. 

Tyler rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. He was going to have to make up some excuse for Josh to heal him before they had sex. He was usually pretty slick about it anyway. They had a show the night earlier, so he could claim he had a hurt ankle. 

He opened his mouth to speak, but felt a tight grip on his arm. 

“Tyler, what’s this?” Josh’s tone was deadpan. There was no emotion to it. Tyler knew that voice, because he had heard it once before. 

Tyler immediately began to shake. 

“What’s what?” He let out another breathy laugh. Play it cool. Nothing’s wrong. 

Tyler pulled his chest away from Josh. He tried to get up completely, but Josh was holding onto his arm too tight. It actually hurt. Josh’s fingers were right over the fresh wound. He tried not to wince in pain, because he couldn’t make it obvious. Tyler looked down and noticed the slight red stain on his gray long sleeve shirt.

“I must have nicked myself on something when we were heading home. Maybe in the bathroom. I swear, those places are death traps, you know? I can be really clumsy. Which, speaking of which, before we do anything, I think you should heal my ankle. I think I twisted it last night, and I’ve barely been able to walk all day. So maybe you should do that, because bending it back during sex might make it worse.” He started to ramble, even though he knew he was caught. 

Tyler knew in the back of his mind that it was over. 

He saw the look on Josh’s face. He had seen it once before, almost a year ago, when he had made Josh hurt him in the church. The silence was what twisted the knife in his heart. 

“Don’t give me that face. You know I’m clumsy.” Tyler tried to tug on his arm harder to break free.

Josh pursed his lips together as he started to slide Tyler’s sleeve up. Tyler tried desperately to break from his grasp. Please. He didn’t want this. Not after such a great day. It was a good day. They were finally home after a long trip and after a great visit with his parents. Tyler just wanted to have one good fucking day.

Yes, he had cut himself, but he didn’t think anything of it. Tyler had just felt too manic from too much happening. That was normal. That was just how Tyler dealt with things. It was fine. He had a good day. Josh was trying to ruin it by being pushy about something that was absolutely none of his business. 

Josh forcibly pulled the sleeve all the way up. He gasped when he saw the shallow vertical slits on his wrist - still barely bleeding. He went a bit overboard with that one; not enough to kill him, it barely bled. But it was enough to make Tyler seem like a maniac with no impulse control. 

He had done much, much worse. 

But he knew that to Josh, this was the worst thing that could have ever happened. 

“What the fuck, Tyler.” Josh’s face turned an impossible shade of blue; as if every emotion was gone except sadness. 

“It’s not a big deal.” Tyler finally managed to pull his arm away. He rolled his sleeve back down and looked at the wall next to Josh’s head to avoid eye contact. 

“Don’t fuck with me.” Josh’s arms were dead by his side. 

Tyler stood up in front of him. He was probably biting the inside of his lip so hard that it would draw blood soon. He ran his fingers across the cuts to access them. They were still bleeding, which meant he probably did go a bit more overboard than he expected. Tyler would be fine, there would be no hospital visit needed. But if he had gone any deeper, it would have been trouble. 

“I’m not.” Tyler’s voice was quiet.

“Tyler, I swear to fucking God. Do not fuck with me right now. Why? What the fuck?” Josh put his head in his hands.

“I don’t know.”

“No, I think you know. No one just does this for no reason.” Josh shook his head. Tyler felt like Josh was overreacting. Tyler understood being upset, but he thought Josh would comfort him and hold him. Maybe show some kind of compassion, instead of cold anger. 

“I told you, I don’t know. Okay? It’s nothing. It’s just my natural reaction. Sometimes, I feel too much, and it’s the only way I can let it out. What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know. Say something that’s not bullshit, Tyler.” Tyler couldn’t recognize Josh’s voice anymore. He knew that if he tried to touch Josh, he’d be burning.

“I’m telling the truth. Why are you acting like this?” Tyler began to cry. 

“How long has this been going on?” Josh asked.

“I-”

“How long?”

“Since July.” 

Josh removed his hands from his face. 

Their eyes matched each other. One with tears, the other with contempt. They didn’t speak with their words.

“I’m sorry.” Tyler looked away. He looked at anything but Josh. 

“I just…” Josh sighed, his face softening, “wish you could have talked to me.”

“I didn’t want to.” 

“What? Why wouldn’t you want to? I could have tried to help you. I could have…I don’t know. You could have talked to me? Or made better choices?” Josh’s mind looked like it had been racing in every direction. 

“I didn’t want help. I wanted to do it without anyone stopping me.” Tyler admitted. He had never admitted that out loud before. Something was so deeply wrong with his brain and his body. 

“I could have helped with something, Tyler. I could have done something. I could have stopped you. Did…did you use me to heal you? Is that why you constantly asked me to heal minor injuries?”

“Yes.”

“God fucking damn it, Tyler.” Josh let out an audible groan, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m reacting like this. I just can’t believe I didn’t see it. I should have.” 

“It’s okay.” Tyler finally allowed himself to sit down on the ground. His body was numb now. He couldn’t feel anything anymore except in his face, which was hotter than Josh’s body had ever been. 

“It’s not okay, but whatever. Whatever.” Josh shook his head, “I’m sorry, I failed you.”

“Failed me? It’s not your job to save me, Josh.” Tyler had to stop himself from laughing. 

“Yes, it is.”

Tyler furrowed his brows and looked into Josh’s eyes, “no? It’s not. That’s my job, Josh. That’s a weird thing to say.”

“It’s my job as your boyfriend.” Josh said immediately. Tyler saw a brief look of fear in Josh’s eyes. Fear was not the reaction he should be having to Tyler. Frustration? Sure. Fear? That was not the right one. Tyler knew Josh’s faces. He had that face when Tyler caught him with that guy outside. He had that face when Tyler asked him about the woman at the party. He had that fucking face every time he lied. 

“No. No, I see your face. I can read right through you. What do you mean?” Tyler started to rub the cuts on his arms again without thinking. 

“I told you what I meant. Don’t read into it.”

“Oh, now I’m going to read into it. Your job? Am I your fucking patient or something? Only one who can help me is myself. I’m completely alone in this fight. You wouldn’t get it, as someone who has never been suicidal or self-harmed. I’m the only one who can make the choices to get better. As my boyfriend, you’re supposed to be here as my support. A boyfriend isn’t a fucking job.”

“Tyler, be rational.”

“Rational? You want a shovel so you can dig your hole deeper?”

“Don’t make this about me now, Tyler. You’re just trying to make this out to be something it isn’t because you don’t like it when I call you out.” Josh huffed. 

“I cut myself. Big deal. You’re lying to me about something. What are you lying to me about, since our little secrets are coming out today. Eye for an eye.” Tyler had to fight every urge to stand up.

“You’re belittling your own situation.” Josh sighed, “I worry about you, that’s all. I don’t know why you’re taking the most insignificant thing I’ve ever said and making it a fight. We need to focus on you and why you’re hurting yourself again. You went so long without doing it, what changed?”

“Stop changing the fucking subject.” Tyler was getting angry now. 

“How am I supposed to say what you want me to say, when I don’t know what I’m being accused of?” It was Josh’s turn to stand up and raise his voice, “you are being so difficult right now, Tyler. I’m trying to help you.”

“Or are you trying to save me? Since I guess that’s your job?” Tyler began to laugh.

Josh had the face again.

“I don’t know what you think is funny about this.” Josh sighed and looked down at Tyler who was sitting down.

“Tell me. You know, the big ass secret that you’ve been hiding from me. Who were all those strange people that you talked to? What’s your job Josh?”

“I can’t tell you.” 

“What?” Tyler was taken aback from the response. He didn’t expect that. 

Josh’s face was panicked. He knew he had fucked up. Tyler felt his heart stop - because he was right. Josh had been lying to him about something this entire time. Tyler knew in the back of his head because he loved Josh.

Tyler felt no love for him in this moment. 

He could see Josh start to lean down to him to knock him out. 

Tyler crawled back and stood up. He ran to the other side of the room to avoid Josh’s hands.

Josh’s eyes were lit bright white like the day Tyler had kissed him. What Tyler would do to go back to that day when things were simple. He missed the butterflies in his stomach when Josh’s leg would brush his. He had become too used to Josh. 

Did Tyler actually know Josh? 

“What can’t you tell me?” Tyler frowned. 

“Nothing.” Josh closed his eyes, “can we just not talk about any of this? Maybe we can pretend nothing here happened.”

“No. No. No. I am so sick of pretending like I didn’t see or hear weird shit you do. I’ve been in denial about it for so long. What are you hiding from me?” Tyler felt his face getting redder. 

“Tyler…” Josh stepped towards him again. Tyler was in the furthest corner of the room. He had nowhere else to go. 

“Josh. If you knock me out right now, you’re a fucking coward. Just tell me what you’re hiding so we can move on. I spilled mine. It’s only fair.” Tyler felt fear creep through his bones. He had never really been scared of Josh before. But the look on his face proved that there was something sinister about whatever he was hiding. 

“You know I can’t.” Josh sighed. He stopped in place, “I don’t think…”

“Don’t think what?”

“I. I don’t know how I’d even tell you.” Josh stood with his arms frozen next to him.  He opened his eyes again, and they were normal. 

“Just say it. Don’t you think I deserve to know?“ Tyler slid down to the ground and folded his legs to his chest. 

“I don’t know how to begin. I…remember the party they had after the battle of the bands?” 

Tyler tried his best not to change his face. That was so long ago. It was over a year ago. Josh had been hiding something for that long?

“Yes.” Tyler nodded. He put his head down, refusing to look Josh in the eyes. 

“I got uh…” Josh paused, as if to debate actually saying something, “my memories back.” 

Tyler was silent. 

He had nothing to say to that. 

What could he say to that, that wasn’t along the lines of “fuck you.” 

“I’m…” Josh sighed, “it’s not like it matters? It didn’t change anything between us or anything. In a way, it made everything better. I had a lot more insight, and I was able to control my powers better. You didn’t even notice a difference.” 

Tyler said nothing still. He was shutting down completely now. Tyler could feel every emotion drain out through his fingertips. He was just so shocked and appalled that he wasn’t sure what was left in his body. He could throw up. 

That last sentence was disgusting. Of course Tyler didn’t notice a difference, because Josh manipulated him. 

“Now both of our dirty laundries are out. Let me just heal you and we can go lay down.” Josh sighed. 

“Who are you?” Tyler finally asked. 

“What do you mean?” Josh frowned. 

Tyler looked up, “who. Are. You?”

“I’m Josh?” He laughed. 

Tyler’s soul had finally vanished with the laugh. He didn’t laugh back. It wasn’t funny. 

Josh had lied to him for over a year. Tyler spent hours and hours awake at night worried about Josh. He worried that he stole him from someone. He worried that Josh was going to remember who he was and run away at any moment. Tyler worried that he’d lose the one good thing in his life constantly. And…Josh knew? 

He knew Tyler was worried. He knew Tyler ached constantly because of his fear of abandonment. Josh didn’t seem to care. He better have had a good excuse. 

“That’s it? You got your memories back and turns out you’re just Josh? No one else? It’s funny to me, you know? We said we wouldn’t lie to each other. Who was the one to say that?” Tyler smiled. It wasn’t a good smile. Tyler was breaking. He had reached the point of no return. Tyler was turning bitter, much like a cough medicine you had to force down a child’s throat. 

“Basically, yeah.” 

“You’re fucking evil.” Tyler laughed, “Manipulative, deceptive, and disgusting . You can’t even look me in the fucking eyes and tell me the truth. I told you my truth. I have constantly bore my soul to you. And you can’t give me this? I’ve been worried sick about who you are. And turns out you’re nothing? Bullshit. Who were those people?”

“I’m nobody. I’m an angel. But I’m not an important one or anything. I came here on a mission and lost my memories for a few weeks. That’s really all there is.” 

Tyler’s mouth dropped, “a what?”

Josh said it like it was nothing. Tyler felt like he was going to be sick. 

“I’m an angel. Like, from the Bible. I couldn’t tell you that. It would break so many rules. I’m breaking them just by telling you now. All those people you saw talking to me were other angels coming to threaten me for doing something I wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t even supposed to be down here for more than a few hours.” Josh explained. 

Tyler was going to throw up. 

“Do you have nothing to say to that? I told you the truth. Can we move on?” Josh asked, “we’re even.”

“What was your mission?” Tyler asked. 

“Uh…” Josh hesitated. 

“Was I your mission?” Tyler asked. 

“…yes.” Josh said after a moment of silence. 

“Get me the wastebasket from the bathroom. I’m going to throw up.” Tyler was barely able get the words out of his mouth. 

Josh actually got him the wastebasket. Tyler immediately got sick into it. He panted and looked up at Josh. 

“What was your mission?” Tyler wiped his mouth. His eyes were dead. He was looking at Josh, but he wasn’t seeing him. He was seeing nothing but blurs. It was like Josh’s face was a blur of features that Tyler didn’t recognize. 

“Does it matter?” 

Tyler didn’t speak. He couldn’t. He didn’t know who the man standing in front of him even was. Every word out of Josh’s mouth mattered now. What started off as Josh lecturing him on self-harm, was turning into something worse. 

Why did Josh have to slip up with his words? If he didn’t? Tyler would be crying into Josh’s chest and begging for forgiveness. They’d make love while Josh gently kissed his scars. 

But instead, he’s wondering if he’ll ever do that again. 

So yes, it mattered. Josh had to be careful with his words. 

“Tyler?” Josh asked. 

“Yes. It matters . Why wouldn’t it?” Tyler didn’t even recognize his own voice. 

“Well…” Josh started. Even his voice was shaky. “Angels are…tasked..to…uh.” He sounded like he was trying too hard to be careful with his words. 

Tyler stared at Josh as he looked like he was deep in thought. 

“Angels are tasked to come down from heaven to give humans the push they need. Almost like short term guardian angels. We hand pick humans we think are troubled, and we’re supposed to quickly go down, give them a push, and then return to heaven to get to the next one. But I ended up getting amnesia, so I didn’t remember my mission.” Josh explained. 

Tyler threw up again. He didn’t even have anything left in his body, so he basically kept dry heaving into the bucket. He felt sick. Josh had kept this from him?

“So, what? I was some fucked up charity case? And you stayed because you realized how fucked up and hopeless I am? You wanted to prove to your buddies up in Heaven that you could do the impossible?” Tyler laughed. He laughed and laughed and laughed because he just could not believe what he was hearing. 

“It wasn’t like that at all. I was in love with you before I even came down. I watched you for years. I was so in love with you that I didn’t even want to save you, because I wanted to stay with you.” Josh admitted. 

Tyler laughed again. 

“Even better! You fucking stalked me. You manipulated me into loving you like it was some sort of sick game. I was just a toy, wasn’t I? Clay that you could mold into your little fuck toy who was hopelessly devoted to you!” Tyler continued to laugh. 

“It’s not-“ 

“And what’s worse? You knew who you were when I told you I loved you. I loved you so much and you rejected it when you apparently felt the same? Why? Why not put all your cards on the table then?” His laughter turned into tears, “I felt so isolated because I felt crazy for loving you. And you loved me back but decided to torture me instead.” 

“Tyler, I told you. It’s not like that.” Josh’s hands were shaking. Tyler could feel the head radiating from his body. 

“Then what is it like? Enlighten me.” Tyler finally stood up with wobbly legs. His voice was raising even higher now. 

“I love you! That’s what matters! I didn’t fucking torture you!” 

“You don’t have the right to say what tortured me! I felt like a sick freak for loving you. I felt so alone because I thought you thought I was a freak! What kind of person loves a guy after only knowing him for a little over a month? We were only together for a few weeks! I just felt so attached to you. I thought you were my soulmate or something. Now I don’t even know if I ever want to see you again.” Tyler was rambling. He was losing himself. He was losing rational thought.

Tyler was slowly deteriorating, and it was Josh’s fault. 

If he had a blade available, Tyler was worried he’d be dead. 

“You are my soulmate.” Josh’s voice was shaky. He was getting hotter and hotter. 

“No. I’m your toy.” Tyler’s voice got soft. 

“Stop talking like that, Tyler! I love you! I love you so much that I’m willing to die for you! I should have gone back to Heaven a long long time ago. But I stayed for you!” Josh’s body was shaking. Not like a person would, but like a tectonic plate. 

“I don’t care. You shouldn’t have stayed!” Tyler exclaimed, “You shouldn’t have kept this from me! You’re a fucking asshole!”

“I wanted to keep you safe. Do you know what they would have done to us? What they’re going to do to us?” Josh was shouting now. 

“I don’t give a shit! Let them kill me! Let them split us apart. I don’t even fucking want you here anymore!” 

His eyes flashed white again, illuminating so brightly that if Tyler didn’t close his eyes, he would immediately go blind. Tyler felt the pit in his stomach telling him he had to run away. 

Something bad was going to happen. 

“What are you saying, Tyler?” Josh asked, his voice full of pain. 

“I don’t think I can forgive this. I can’t even see your face anymore. I don’t recognize you. And I’m not sure I want to.” Tyler’s voice got quieter as Josh’s grew louder. 

“Are you breaking up with me?! Over this?” Josh’s voice was unnatural. It was holy, like a real angel would be. 

“Yes.” 

The whole room erupted as if a bomb went off. 

Every breakable item in Tyler’s living room shattered. Tyler covered his head at the impact to protect himself. He was cowering like a terrified child. Maybe he was a child, forced to live through his trauma over and over again. This stranger standing in front of him was destroying everything Tyler loved. 

The whole apartment shook. Tyler was sure his neighbors noticed. He was sure God noticed. The world knew what was happening and that Tyler was a freak for loving such a being. 

An angel. A real angel of the Lord. It wasn’t even a joke anymore. This was an angel who chose him . This non-human freak of nature chose him above anyone else. 

Tyler didn’t want it. 

He wanted to be left alone. 

He couldn’t even see Josh as Josh anymore. It was just a figure standing before him. 

Shards of glass sliced through his skin as the window next to him shattered inward. He could feel the crimson liquid staining his shirt as it did just minutes earlier.

“Tyler, it’s not safe! Just go outside and we can talk about this later!” The Angel exclaimed.  

“No!” Tyler shouted, “ you need to go!” 

“I can’t move! I think I’m dying, Tyler!” 

“No. I mean, you need to go back to Heaven.”  Tyler wasn’t sure what was coming out of his mouth anymore. 

“What?!” 

“Get out of here before you die! Jesus Christ, are you stupid?” 

“I can’t! If I do, then I’ll never be able to come back!” The Angel looked like he was about to collapse. Tyler worried more about how he was going to fix this room more than he worried about that…thing. He was numb. 

The angel started trudging towards him, as if he was using whatever energy he had left to try to touch him. 

“I don’t care!” Tyler held his hands in front of him to block any kind of touch the Angel was going to try to give him. 

“Tyler, please. If I leave you now, I can’t ever come back as me. I can’t watch you ever again. I’d have to move on to someone else. Please, just let me try to work this out and we can talk later.” He pleaded. He was getting closer. His body was so hot that Tyler was sure he was about to burn up himself. 

“Stay the fuck away from me!” Tyler yelled and pushed him as hard as he could. Tyler opened his eyes so he could see him again. 

The Angel fell directly on the ground since his body was so weak. 

“I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want a thing like you around me.” At this point, Tyler was just purposefully being cruel because he needed the Angel to hate him. Tyler wanted him to leave and never look at him again. 

He loved the Angel so much that he was sick. He needed it gone. 

“Tyler?” 

“I said go! Go back to heaven before you fucking die. I’d rather you live with the pain you’ve caused me than die. Go back to Heaven and help other people. But I’ll always be that virus in your mind that’ll make you remember not to get too close. Because look at what you’ve done. Am I better?” 

“I think so.”

“No. You failed. Get out.” 

“Ty-“

“Get! Out!” Tyler screamed. 

And then the Angel was gone. 

Chapter Text

Josh was suddenly no longer in his body. He was not “Josh” anymore. He was just a hot ball of light that existed, but also didn’t exist. He was just a conscious speck in a sea of light. He was one of the least significant angels, truly the bottom of the angelic barrel. The Angel was useless. He was a failure. 

He was back to being nothing. 

He was alone. 

He could feel the presence of other angels around him. Although he couldn’t see them, he knew that all eyes were on him. It was weird to not be in a physical body anymore. 

Josh, which was a name he refused to let go of, didn’t have the eyes to cry. He would if he did. But he had nothing now. He had his thoughts, and all he could think about was how badly he fucked up. Josh only cared about one thing, and that thing didn’t care about him. Not anymore.

Josh didn’t know what to do with himself. He forgot how to do his “job”, because he obviously ruined the first one he ever did. There was a reason the Angels frowned upon spending too much time with a human. Josh never thought he’d feel heartbreak like this. 

He would have to do better next time. Josh couldn’t allow himself to grow attached.
He didn’t want to talk to anyone. He knew that someone was going to find him and lecture him about Tyler finding out what he was. Josh couldn’t even think about that name without pain. He didn’t have physical pain anymore. He felt absolutely nothing. But the thoughts radiated through him. He somehow hurt his brain, despite not having one anymore.

He fucked up everything. 

Josh had to get over himself already. He was back on the job. He had to find another mission. He couldn’t think about Tyler anymore. Tyler gave up on him too easily instead of letting him explain. He didn’t get the chance to explain the angels threatening him, or his fear of scaring Tyler. 

Josh just tried to justify his actions to himself, but he knew it was because he was selfish. Nothing Tyler said to him was wrong. He didn’t want to risk losing him, so he just lied and lied and lied to him. 

Josh had to just get over it. He had to work. Get over it. He had to get over it. No more Tyler. He couldn’t even listen to or look at Tyler ever again anyway. He could be out of sight, out of mind. 

Josh had been an angel for thousands of years, but that didn’t matter until he discovered Tyler. Now he had to go back to realizing that nothing mattered. He was just a drone meant to do God’s work for him while He did who knows what. 

He felt the presence of another angel. 

This was it. 

“Hello, Josh .” The angel said to him. They gave an emphasis on his human name, as if to mock him. Josh couldn’t find himself giving a shit. Let the other angels destroy his existence. It didn’t matter anymore.

Josh didn’t respond.

“You know what you’ve done. I shouldn’t have to explain it.” The other angel said. There wasn’t a voice, since they didn’t have mouths. But they were somehow able to communicate with each other in a way that Josh would never be able to explain.

“Yeah.” 

“You’ve really created a dilemma for us, Josh Dun.” The other angel mocked him. There was no need. They probably saw what happened. They should know how Josh felt about it. Angels weren’t supposed to have feelings, so Josh was sure they just thought he was pretending the whole time in order to keep Tyler’s spirits up, 

He didn’t want them to erase Tyler’s memories. He didn’t want anyone to forget him. They’d have to erase the memories of hundreds of thousands of people if they wanted to erase Josh. Because just removing Tyler’s memories wouldn’t be enough.

Although Tyler would probably be better for it. Without Josh, Tyler would have never felt heartbreak. He could find another person to spend his life with that would treat him right. He’d find someone who wouldn’t hurt him, lie to him, or manipulate him. Josh ruined Tyler in a way that a normal human wouldn’t be able to. He could find someone better than Josh in every single way.

“How?” Josh asked.

“Well, in situations such as yours, we would have to erase the memory of the human. There’s been plenty of times where an angel has slipped up and accidentally revealed themselves to a human. But you became…famous…in a way.” The other angel explained. 

Josh almost laughed at the last sentence. He would have if he could have. They had performed multiple times in front of thousands of people. They had a record professionally released. Josh was pretty sure a lot of people knew who he was. Maybe not the entire world, but enough people that it would be a problem.

“Yeah, I’m pretty aware.” 

“We may have to erase Tyler Joseph’s memory completely. Almost like what happened to you when you fell to Earth. This way, his memory of you being divine will be erased, but your existence as a person on Earth will not.” The other angel explained.

“Please, don’t.” Josh said immediately. 

“We have no other choice, Josh .” The angel sighed somehow, “if our secret gets out, it would cause a major disruption. We just cannot risk Tyler Joseph saying anything.” 

“I promise, he won’t tell anyone. Please.” Josh begged.

“We’ve already put everything at risk for you before. We cannot risk putting our trust in you again.” 

“Please. Just let him keep the memories. I don’t want him to forget me. I don’t want him to go back to what he was before me. He’ll have to forget about his band completely. Let him continue by himself at least. I don’t think the world would be ready to lose his music like that. You guys already said it, Tyler’s music is important to a lot of people. It’s helped people in ways that we can’t. If you take that away now, it’ll be more work for us down the line. Please.” Josh wasn’t sure his attempt was working. He just didn’t want all of his work in the band to go to waste.

He didn’t want Tyler to forget him either, even if he knew it was going to bring him pain. Just like Tyler told him. He wanted Tyler to live with the guilt of letting him go so easily. Let him feel the pain. Josh certainly felt the pain. If he had to hurt, so did Tyler. 

The other angel paused. Josh didn’t hear anything for longer than he expected. 

Maybe it was actually going to work. 

“Fine. He has one chance. If Tyler Joseph reveals your identity to anyone else, then he will have his memories erased. We will make sure to keep an eye on him.”

“An eye? Will he have other angels assigned to him?” Josh asked, suddenly getting possessive over someone that wasn’t even his anymore. 

“No. I don’t think any other angel will even try to touch him after your failure. We’ll just make sure to check on him every now and then. We just can’t waste too much time on him. If he says anything, we will find out. You and Tyler Joseph are on thin ice. Without your band, you would be gone.”

“Wait, so does this mean I get to go back down too so I can be in the band still?” Josh asked.

“No. You have completely failed your mission. You cannot go back and watch over Tyler Joseph again. The only way you can go back to Tyler Joseph is….” The other angel trailed off, as if he was about to say something he wasn’t allowed to say. 

“The only way I can go back to Tyler Joseph is….?” Josh questioned.
“Don’t worry about it. It’s never been done, so, Just know, Josh. that you are back to your normal duties. You cannot be Tyler Joseph’s angel ever again. You will move on to your next human as soon as possible. You cannot spend years watching a human again. We’re not sure why we even allowed that in the first place. You will be closely monitored for at least one human year to make sure you are doing your job properly.”

Josh sighed to himself. He knew that was coming. He had done nothing for thousands of years, since he didn’t care about any of the humans. No one paid attention to him before, but they were surely going to watch him now.

Josh had to lock in. His entire existence depended on it.

He needed to get Tyler out of his mind. But he missed his lips already. He missed Tyler’s smile. He missed when he laughed so hard that Josh got a peak of his beautiful crooked bottom teeth. He’d miss Tyler’s hands, his voice, his eyes, and everything else. 

To think that he would never get to see Tyler again made Josh wish that they just wiped his existence anyway. What was the point? 

Josh looked down on Earth and picked an area as far from Columbus, Ohio as he could.

END OF ACT III

Chapter Text

ACT IV: BLURRYFACE

ONE YEAR LATER

Tyler smiled as the cake was placed in front of him. Her hands were on his shoulders and she gently shook him with excitement.

Tyler hadn’t been this happy in a while. He was surrounded by all the important people in his life. They were all at his apartment to celebrate. Everyone who actually mattered. 

The cake was decorated with edible confetti, sprinkles, and red lettering that spelled out: 

‘One year clean’ 

It was a lie, because of course it was. Tyler had only been clean for eight months. But eight months was still an insane accomplishment. 

Tyler spent four months in complete agony. But those were just memories. He was just a memory now that barely mattered. 

He was great at putting on a smile for his parents. 

But she saw right through him and she did everything but physically beat him back into shape. From the start, ever since they met, she had been his rock. Tyler remembered the state she found him in. 

“I’m so proud of you.” Jenna shook him again. 

He turned his head to look up at her. She pressed a soft peck on his lips. 

He was starting to get overwhelmed with the attention. He sometimes wished that his mother didn’t come check on him a year ago after a week of complete silence. He would’ve rather fought this completely by himself than have to cry to his mom about him.

A week of silence from Twitter, Instagram, his phone, and the sun. He even ignored his label, which didn’t go too well. That’s what caused someone to notice and check in on him. 

Tyler was lucky to get a second chance from his label. He was lucky he got a chance at all. 

“Tyler, do you want to cut the cake?” Madison asked, “I can get the knife. Or maybe not...”

Mark accidentally snickered. 

“Not funny!” Jenna snapped her head up at Mark.

“I didn’t say anything!” Mark put his hands. 

“No, it’s okay. It was funny.” Tyler smiled and looked at Mark. 

He thanked God that he still had Mark too. He would’ve quit music completely if Mark wasn’t around. 

Everyone he cared about was in the room with him. Tyler should be happy. He should feel loved. And he did! He was loved! He knew it! Tyler accepted the love given to him!  

But he wished he could have been here to see his accomplishment. He should have been the one with his hips pressed up against the chair delivering soft kisses to his forehead. 

It had been a year. Tyler had to get over it. He was over it. But this felt especially hard. 

Tyler took the knife from Maddy and cut the cake. He knew he wasn’t trustworthy with a knife, but he wasn’t an idiot. He wouldn’t do anything stupid in front of a lot of people. He handed a slice to everyone before he let himself have a slice. Jenna finally sat next to him and had her own small slice. 

Tyler had to force himself to eat. He traced circles through the frosting with his fork absentmindedly. He stabbed a small piece and brought it to his lips. Tyler had to pause before pushing it through his lips. He didn’t even want it. 

“Are you okay?” She leaned over and whispered. He looked into her eyes and nodded. She narrowed her eyes slightly and read into him. 

“Here’s to Tyler!” Mark exclaimed with a glass of some kind of alcohol he most definitely stole from his liquor cabinet. Everyone else held up whatever glasses that were in their hands. 

The applause and cheers were cutting lines through his brain. He hated the attention. He hated the smiles. He didn’t deserve them. Tyler hated it. He needed…

Tyler wanted to throw up. He felt his whole body physically recoil. He saw the look on Jenna’s face when he felt this way. Tyler didn’t want to worry her. The last thing he needed was for everyone to worry about him again. He was finally starting to slip through the cracks.

But the noises coming throughout the room was sending him somewhere dark. He hated the noise. He hated the noise so much. 

He couldn’t handle it anymore and stood up. The wooden chair scratched the flooring as he ran to his room. Tyler didn’t slam the door because he knew Jenna would be in there immediately. 

He pressed his face against his pillow. He was twenty-four. He shouldn’t be acting like this. He was getting too old to feel this way.

“Hey.” Jenna sat on the edge of his bed. 

“Hey.” Tyler peeked his head up. 

“Overwhelmed?” She asked. 

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded. 

“Do you want to be alone?” She asked. 

“No.” Tyler shook his head. 

“Is it Josh?” Jenna laid herself down next to him in a similar position. 

“No. Not really. No. I mean, kind of. Somewhat. Yes. Yeah.” Tyler was trying to rationalize his thoughts in his head. 

“It’s about Josh.” Jenna nodded to herself and started kicking her feet instinctively. 

“I just…”

“Wish he was here?” Jenna gave him a concerned smile. 

“Yeah.” Tyler shoved his face in the pillow again. 

“I know you do.” Jenna rubbed his back, “I think he’d be proud of you, even if he probably never wants to see you again.”

“Not helping.” 

“Sorry. I’m proud of you, if that helps. You’ve actually been clean for what? Eight? Seven? Months?” Jenna softly ran her hand up to his hair. 

“Practically eight. Whenever we met is how long.” Tyler’s voice was still muffled by the pillow. 

“Right. It’s an achievement. And I’m proud of you, even if you don’t want to hear it. And you better not be lying to me. I will beat your ass if you’re lying to me.” She ruffled the back of his head. 

Tyler picked his head up and tried to get his hair back in place, “I’m not lying to you.” 

“You better not be.” 

Jenna was his “girlfriend.” 

They had an instant connection when they met. She didn’t even care or notice that he was famous. She treated him like a person, and Tyler loved that. Everyone else he met only cared about his fame, or the fact that Josh was missing from the band. Jenna didn’t even ask until Tyler himself brought it up.

Tyler knew that he was gay because of Josh. He had opened his eyes to a whole new world, and Tyler was so mad that he squeezed those eyes shut as soon as Josh was gone. He didn’t really even want anyone else. Josh ruined him for everything and everybody. 

He had a few hookups the first few months. He even dated a guy for a few weeks. But it didn’t work out. Tyler just wanted Josh back. But he was never going to come back. 

Josh was gone forever. He remembered that Josh told him he’d never be able to return or hear him. Tyler hoped that was just a manipulative lie to try to convince Tyler to not break up with him.

Tyler had prayed to him. He prayed to him constantly for the first month. He made almost every plea known to man just to get the chance to talk to him again. 

He bled for him. Cried for him. Almost died for him. Tyler did just about everything to get Josh’s attention. 

Radio silence. 

He didn’t even care anymore that Josh lied. He didn’t care if Josh was some angelic non-human freak. He was still Josh. He was still the person that Tyler loved so much that he couldn’t control it. 

Not anymore. Tyler was over it by now. It had been a little over a year. He was fine on his own. He had Jenna. 

Jenna at least treated him well. They acted publically like a couple, privately like best friends. He just wanted his parents to leave him alone about Josh, and he feared the public’s opinion on him. 

Jenna was fine with it. She was in a similar boat, except her parents were pretty homophobic. It worked out for the both of them, since neither imagined ever actually having a partner again. 

The worst part about all of this was having to tell his fans. Tyler had a separate mental breakdown about what Josh leaving did to his bands. He was right to be worried that his fans would be upset.  

@tylerrjoseph: josh is no longer part of the band. that is all I will say. I love you frens, goodnight.

And Tyler refused to speak on it again. No interviews, no tweets, and no videos. He barely even posted from the band’s twitter or his own for the entire year. He wasn’t completely silent, so that his fans knew he was alive. But he was not active as a band. 

The fact he had to cancel the rest of the shows on the tour hurt him. He loved performing. But Josh wasn’t there. Twenty one pilots was nothing without Josh. Nothing . 

Tyler still wrote music. 

It’s all he could do to shut off his brain. 

He had to keep the record label happy somehow. 

Most of those songs would never see the light of day. There were some songs that he kept to the side because they didn’t talk much about Josh. He’d make some subtle references to him, but nothing that would mean anything to anyone but Josh. 

Domingo en fuego, I think I lost my halo

I don't know where you are

You'll have to come and find me, find me.

If Josh ever heard his next record, he would know what Tyler was talking about. 

He was still in the beginning stages of producing the album anyway. He had the songs written already. He just needed to get to producing them. 

But he couldn’t see the point if he couldn’t get the drums from Josh. No one else would get him like Josh did. 

Not even Jenna knew Tyler quite like Josh did.

Tyler was over this. He was over Josh. He needed to calm down and stop thinking about him. But he had notebooks upon notebooks of how he felt. 

“Hey, Tyler? Are you alright?” Jenna asked softly. 

He picked his head up again, “sorry. I got lost in thought.”

“I can see that. I kinda wish we did this all at your parents house so we could escape easily.” Jenna sighed, “I hate seeing you like this.”

“I’ll be alright.” Tyler smiled at her. Tyler never thought he’d find another person who could break him down in a similar way to Josh. Jenna made him feel like a person in a different way. Not in the romantic sense, but something similarly important. 

Mark knocked on the door, “hey are you guys like, fucking in there?” He asked. 

“Oh my God!” Jenna exclaimed with a laugh, “Mark, no!” 

Mark opened the door and walked in, “well, I’ve been burned before.” He shot a look at Tyler, who laughed. 

“Sorry.” Tyler sat up finally. 

“You can’t leave me alone like that with your family, dude. I feel so awkward. They keep whispering about you. Zack keeps bringing up how much happier you are with Jenna. Like. It’s been a year since he left, give it a rest.” Mark rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah. Zack didn’t like Josh much.” Tyler shrugged. He was bored. He was so bored. He wanted his family gone so he could just hang out with his friends. 

“I can’t see why. Josh was so cool.” Mark sighed, “sorry, Jenna. I shouldn’t talk about him.”

“It’s okay.” Jenna shook her head, “I don’t mind. It’s half of what he talks about.” 

“You talk about your ex to your girlfriend? Dude.” Mark teased Tyler. 

Tyler never told Mark that Jenna wasn’t actually his girlfriend. He didn’t want to out Jenna like that without her permission. And it helped if less people knew. 

“We should go back out, honey.” Jenna said, “your family is going to trickle in here one by one. Maddie will probably be next.” 

Tyler groaned and leaned back, “I don’t want to.” 

“I know you don’t want to. We had cake. They’ll leave pretty soon.” Jenna scooted closer to him so she could run her fingers through his hair again.

“Please come back out before it becomes a party in here too. I’m too drunk for this.” Mark said.

“You’re just lucky you live next door.” Tyler laughed. Mark moved into Josh’s apartment once Josh was gone so that they didn’t have to break the lease, and so Mark would be close by in case Tyler needed him. 

“I am. I should just escape through your window and run over there to avoid your family.” Mark laughed again, “I’m going back out there. You better follow me and let yourself have some wine, you deserve it.”

“Oh, I would kill for wine right now.” Jenna smiled, even though she wasn’t even old enough to have wine legally yet. Jenna was twenty. 

“Only if it’s white though. I only like white wine.” Tyler got up and followed Mark. He loved that his two best friends were able to get him out of a funk so easily. 

“Feeling better?” His mom came right up to him once she saw him, “are you okay?” 

“I’m alright, don’t worry.” Tyler smiled, “Jenna helped. I’m okay, I promise.”

“Jenna is such a good girl.” His mom smiled at her. 

Sometimes Tyler felt guilty that Jenna had to go through this with him. She’s the one who suggested it, after all. But it probably pained her as much as it pained Tyler to be treated so well by his parents. Her family loved Tyler too, but that was because he was a man. Tyler wondered if his family felt the same, even if they didn’t show it.

“She is.” Tyler wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her in close.

“And that’s why you wrote a song about me.” Jenna teased him. That was the only song he had actually shown anyone at that point. He wrote Tear In My Heart after knowing her for five months. She was just that special to him.

“I can’t wait to hear it.” His mom grinned, “I’m sure it’s just as beautiful as you.” 

“I wonder how many songs on this album will be about Josh.” Zack said offhandedly. Tyler learned to ignore him when he said things like that. He was always making comments. 

“None.” Tyler huffed, “I don’t write or think about him. Maybe don’t mention it during something like this?” 

“Sorry. I just know you’re better off now, so I wouldn’t think it would be such a big deal.” Zack shrugged.

If only Zack knew how big of a deal all of it was.

Tyler had been doing so good. But today was just reminding him about everything that happened. He suddenly felt so alone because he couldn’t really talk to anyone about what happened. If he even thought about telling anyone about Josh, they’d think he was crazy. No one would believe that his ex-boyfriend was an angel. That was crazy and everyone would want to put Tyler in some kind of asylum.

He kept it to himself.

He told Jenna that Josh had been hiding something major from him and so he kicked him out. He said Josh disappeared from the face of the Earth and removed him on everything. He lied and said Josh moved to LA as well just so she wouldn’t try to go looking for him. Jenna wanted them to eventually get back together so badly that she probably would go looking for him if he was nearby. 

The party was over within an hour. Everyone except Jenna left. 

Tyler was holding a glass of wine in his hand and kept swirling it. He watched the liquid create a tiny whirlpool. He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed Jenna sitting next to him. 

“Hey.” She rubbed his back again, “I haven’t seen you this sad in a few weeks. Do you want me to stay and keep an eye on you tonight?” 

“I don’t know.” Tyler shrugged, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I just wonder how different I would be if he was still here. I think he deserved it for what he did. I’m not saying he was right. But I was too harsh. I should have just…I don’t know.” 

“I understand. I can’t even tell you to write a song about it because I’m sure you have.” Jenna sipped her own wine. 

“Yeah.” Tyler laughed, “if it could be said, I’ve written about it. It’s whatever. Oh well.” 

“It’s not whatever.” Jenna took her hand off his back, “it’s clear that you’re still not over him.”

“I’m trying my best. But today is just really hard. It’s been a year without a word from him. I’ve tried everything. I’d do anything just to get to talk to him again.” 

“I know. I still stand by my offer to fly to LA and look for him. You just need to start doing solo shows and we can see if he shows up. I think it would be really funny.” Jenna was trying really hard to cheer him up and he appreciated it. But he needed her to go home already.

“I don’t think I want to do that.” Tyler smiled back, “I don’t know how to face my fans without Josh. You should see how many mentions on Twitter I get a day asking for updates on Josh. He can’t even bother to post on Twitter, you know? It’s like he doesn’t care about our fans. Whatever. Whatever! I’m over it!” Tyler chugged his wine.

“Hey, slow down. I have to get up early tomorrow. My mom is going to be picking me up, okay?” She pressed a kiss on his cheek, “I can tell you want to be alone today.”

“Thank you. I promise, I won’t be stupid. I’ll call you if I start to get the itch.” He leaned into her touch.

“Good.” Jenna finished off her glass of wine, “don’t tell my mom I drank this.”

“Of course not. I gave it to you. She’d hate me.” Tyler laughed, “I have good standings with your mom.”

“She loves you so much, it’s almost concerning. I think she thinks she can steal you from me.” Jenna teased.

“I’d probably let her if she didn’t hate gay people so much. She’d hate to find out about what Josh and I did.” Tyler shook his head. 

Jenna checked her phone after a few moments of comfortable silence, “she’s here. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

“Bye. I love you.” Tyler stood up and pulled her into a hug. She was the first person since Josh whose arms felt like home. 

“I love you too, Tyler.” She said against his neck, “get some rest. Call me if you think too much about Josh.”

“I will.” Tyler smiled, “love you.”

He waved her goodbye. 

The waves of sadness hit him and knocked him over once he was all alone. He fell backwards on the couch.  He laid down and looked up at the ceiling. 

Loneliness was eating him alive. 

He wondered if Josh felt the same. 

He wondered if Josh felt anything at all.

Tyler missed his touch. He missed Josh’s arms holding him at night while he peppered soft kisses on his neck. Tyler missed the less than gentle touches that would take his breath away. Tyler just wanted him back. 

He knew that his angel was gone forever. Whatever that freak was doing now had nothing to do with Tyler. 

But he prayed to him anyway much like he didn’t every night for months after he left. 

“Hey, Josh. I don’t know if you even hear these. I hope you do.” Tyler said aloud to himself.  

He sighed. He felt so stupid doing this. 

“It’s been a year since you left. A year and a few days, actually. But either way. I’ve been doing good. Great, even. I’ve finished writing all the songs for my next album. I’m calling it Blurryface. Maybe one day I can explain it all to you. I don’t know. I got inspired to create some kind of story with my music. I feel like if you were here, you’d love it.” Tyler sighed. 

Josh wasn’t hearing this. There was no point. 

“Jenna and my family and Mark came over today too. I think Mark misses you more than I do.” Tyler laughed, “I haven’t missed you in a few months. But I do today. You’d be proud of me, I think. I don’t know how proud I am of myself. But…I don’t know. I’m an idiot.” 

Tyler wiped a tear from his eye, “if you can hear this. If any angel can hear this, show me a sign.” 

Chapter Text

He was sitting next to her, Josh was pretty sure her name was Rebecca, as she hovered her mouse over the post button.

Josh wasn’t Josh anymore. Today, he was Kim. He had been working through people like it was nothing. Josh was actually pretty good at his job when it wasn’t Tyler. He spent the last year genuinely helping people and saving lives. He didn’t realize having a real purpose could feel so good.

It’s not like loving Tyler wasn’t a real purpose. Josh loved most of it. But he felt like he was going somewhere that wasn’t selfish when he helped other people. Tyler was a passion project that went too far. Josh realized that after a few days of moping alone to himself.

He had been Rebecca’s guardian angel for a few days now. 

He spent a lot of time completely avoiding anything twenty one pilots related. He even avoided the entire state of Ohio so he couldn’t risk running into Tyler. He was that serious about trying to get over him. Josh did a great job distracting himself. He didn’t give himself a second to think. Once he finished a job, he moved on to the next person immediately. 

It was hard the first few months to avoid it. Music news, among other social media sites, speculated what happened to Josh. He had to avoid anyone who could possibly be a fan because he couldn’t deal with hearing about it anymore. He wanted to scream from every rooftop that it wasn’t a big deal. Twenty one pilots was dead. That was that. There was no saving them, because Tyler didn’t want him.

He had a new person. 

It was fine. Josh was fine with it. The girl he was with seemed very good for him. Josh had originally heard about it through news articles. He would have rather lived in ignorant bliss, but when you’re famous, it’s impossible. 

Josh was technically somewhat famous.

He hadn’t made a public appearance, or any appearance for that matter, since he left Tyler. He disappeared off the face of the Earth. A lot of people had a lot of things to say about that. Turns out, when you’re famous and vanish, people think the worst. Most people thought he had died. 

In a way, Josh did die. 

Today, he was Kim.

“Okay. Here’s the summary. It’s been over a year, and Josh is still nowhere to be found. With the help of his best friend Mark, Tyler takes a journey to figure out where Josh could be. He eventually finds him, but discovers that Josh is not who he said he was. Can they work out their differences and finally be together again? Or is this new version of Josh too much for Tyler to handle?” Rebecca read aloud.

Josh felt uncomfortable, because there was a lot of truth to the summary of Rebecca’s fanfiction. 

Somehow, Josh ended up being the guardian angel to a girl who was writing fanfiction about him. He didn’t even realize that people did that kind of thing. But talking to her made him understand that a lot of people did that kind of thing. 

So many of them were so explicit. It hurt Josh to have to see that. He missed Tyler. He hated when Rebecca made him read her fanfiction. 

He didn’t want to read about making love to Tyler. He lived it. He breathed it. He felt it.  And it didn’t feel like she described. It felt better than that. Tyler was his home. Tyler was -

It didn’t matter, because Josh had moved on. Tyler moved on with that girl. Josh was fine. He was dedicated to his job. He didn’t need him anymore. Josh was fine. He was fine. He was fine. 

“It sounds really good! I think people will want to read it.” Josh, or Kim, smiled at her. Anything to encourage her to continue living and push her life in the right direction. 

“Do you think I should eventually add Jenna in there?” Rebecca asked, “I think it would be kind of weird. I should just pretend she doesn’t exist for the sake of the story.” 

“Yeah. I think that’s a good idea.” Josh nodded. 

“You’re so smart, Kim. I’m glad we met. It sucks that you’re going to have to go back home soon. I wish I lived in Columbus too.” Rebecca sighed.

“It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” Josh shrugged. 

“Have you ever run into Tyler?” Rebecca asked. She hit publish and seemed very giddy about it. 

“No. I don’t even know what I’d say to him if I did.” Josh shrugged, “I would probably be too freaked out. I would not bring up Josh to him though. I can only imagine how hurt he must be over all of it.” 

“I know. Josh is such a fucking asshole. He never bothered to tweet, or post, or say anything. I kind of hope he never comes back. I’m too mad at him.” She closed her laptop. 

“Me neither.” Josh tried not to be offended. 

“I just wish we knew if they actually dated or not. I saw the way they looked at each other. There’s no way they haven’t at least kissed.” Rebecca sighed. 

“I’m sure they did. I’m sure they did a lot more than kiss. I’d bet my entire life on it.” Josh forced a smile. He was just trying to feed into it to make this girl feel better. 

“Oh for sure. You saw the way they look at each other.” Rebecca sighed sadly, “I just wish I knew what happened to Josh. It’s been a whole year. Every time I see Jenna post about Tyler, I just get sad.” 

“Me too.” Josh avoided looking at Instagram like the plague. He didn’t want to see either of their faces. 

“Like. Look at this.” Rebecca grabbed her phone and forced him to see a photo. Tyler had his arm around Jenna’s waist as she was giving him a fat kiss on the cheek. He was staring directly at the camera as if to mock Josh. It was as if he had to tell Josh how great he was doing. 

Tyler was thriving. So was Josh. Maybe they were just better off without each other. Tyler would grow old and settle with Jenna, and Josh would spend the rest of eternity helping people. It was probably the best case scenario for both of them. 

But it didn’t make Josh feel any better. It was worse. He just wanted to see Tyler again. He shouldn’t have picked this girl. He should have just continued to avoid the band like his life depended on it. He needed to leave so badly. 

“Are you okay?” She frowned, “I know Jenna is a touchy subject for Joshlerinas but you look like you’re going to cry.”

“I do?” Josh touched his eye and felt tears, “I guess I am.”

“It’s okay, sweetie. I’m here for you.” Rebecca rubbed Josh’s back, “We’ll get through this. Tyler is happy, and that’s got to help us at least a little bit. It’s helped me. He just…looks so happy in this photo. I care a lot about him. That has to make you feel better just to know Tyler is doing better.”

No, it didn’t. 

It made him feel worse. Tyler was fine and doing great and what was Josh really left with? 

Tyler was probably still writing music. He would probably eventually find a new drummer so he could perform the songs. He’d marry Jenna and it would have been as if Josh never existed. The memories were flooding in and Josh couldn’t do it anymore. 

Josh was choked up, “Yeah. I’m just…” 

Rebecca put a hand on his shoulder, “I know we all take it differently. I love my little bean. I just want what’s best for him. And maybe what’s worst for Josh, since he’s a snake who won’t come back. Sorry, I’m heated. I miss the band.”

“Me too.” 

“See! It’s okay to be upset, I promise.” Rebecca hummed, “I think it’s okay that a band that means so much to us breaking up would hurt. But you can’t let it get to you too much.” 

“I can’t help it.” Josh wiped his eyes. 

“Spend your energy hating Josh, not being sad. Hopefully, Josh is out there somewhere feeling sad for himself for what he did to everyone, you know?” Rebecca took her hand off of Josh and started scrolling through Archive of Our Own to find something to read. 

“I don’t hate Josh, though. I understand him. Maybe he’s just so upset at Tyler that he can’t find himself to face him. Or he’s scared of what everyone will think.” Josh explained. 

“That’s wishful thinking.  I just think he’s selfish, but that’s just me. Good for Tyler for moving on. Now, I get to write about Josh getting his back blown out to cope. Writing bottom Josh to punish him.” 

Josh sighed. 

“Let’s read more fics to cope.” Rebecca smiled at him. 

Josh shook his head, ”I don’t know. Maybe I should head home.” 

Rebecca seemed much better now that she had someone encourage her to write and post her work. She would be fine. Josh needed to go, he couldn’t do this anymore. He was starting to slip and it was going to look bad. 

He had been fine for months at this point, but just talking to a fan was making him worse. 

He missed Tyler. He saw his face with someone else and it drove Josh mad. 

“Oh.” Rebecca sighed, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” 

“It’s not your fault!” Josh shook his head, “not at all! I’m just more emotional than I thought I’d be. I’m better alone when I feel this way.” 

Josh felt bad now. He was just going to abandon this girl like he did to all of the other people he helped on jobs. Josh could never just stay in one place with one person. It would have never worked with Tyler anyway. It was always going to be temporary. 

Josh wasn’t made for this job. He wanted to just go back and live as “Josh” and not have to worry about being an angel. He hated it. The powers were nice. But he barely needed them. 

He missed having Tyler in his arms and warming him up. He missed knowing he could heal whatever scars Tyler had. He wondered if Tyler was clean. He hoped he was. Josh really hoped Tyler was actually doing better. 

He finally managed to say his goodbyes to Kim and headed back up to Heaven. 

Josh decided to give himself a break before finding another person. Maybe just a few minutes so he could collect his bearings and face his feelings. 

He resisted every single urge and every bone in his body to watch over someone in Tyler’s life to spy on him. He avoided it for an entire year, he was not about to break now. 

He was just glad he no longer had a physical body so he couldn’t cry. Josh felt himself unravel again. 

He felt a familiar presence. No one had really bothered him in Heaven in a year, because no one cared about him. He was a low level angel who was a fuck-up. Everyone ignored him. 

“I saw all that.” The other angel said to him. Where did he know this one from? 

“Saw what?” Josh asked. 

“All that. Crazy work for you to be reading fanfiction about yourself and your weird little ex boyfriend. At least you helped that girl.” The other angel was mocking him. 

“Yeah.”

“Do you remember me, Josh .” The other angel had almost a sing-song voice as they spoke to him. 

“I think so. Who are you again?” He asked. 

“Ouch. You don’t remember the angel who gave you your memories back on Earth? I changed the entire course of your journey down there. I recognized you immediately when you came back up here.” 

He did, but he couldn’t quite place it. This was the angel that ruined his life on Earth. Josh would have eventually gotten caught and brought back to Heaven, but still. He had to lie and manipulate Tyler because of this angel. 

“Oh. Thanks for that, you really ruined everything.” Josh huffed, “why are you talking to me?” 

“I watch you every now and then to keep up. You’re interesting. You’re entertaining. And you’re very good at your job. It’s like you’re a master manipulator.” 

“Thanks. That’s not a compliment.” Josh laughed. 

“It is for me. I’m okay at my job, but you’re much better. I usually just fuck around on Earth for a few weeks once I’m done just to see what it’s like. I got that from watching you live a life. I even took on your little name idea.” 

“Name idea?” Josh frowned. 

“Well. You don’t always go by Josh, but I notice that’s what you like to be called. I’ve started having the other angels call me Debby, but it doesn’t stick. Which sucks. I like being a girl, and angels don’t seem to like it when you try to make your own choices.” She sighed. 

“Debby? Where did you get that name from?” Josh asked. 

“I don’t know. I feel like it suits me, right?” 

“I guess. I don’t really know you like that.” Josh wanted to get away so he could find a new person to watch over. 

“That’s not very nice.” She sighed. 

“I don’t really care. I have a job to do. And you do too.” Josh felt himself feeling more and more bitter over this angel. Why would he care?

“I think you’ve made a bit of a stir up here. Not enough for many people to notice. But you’re probably the first one to do all that you did. Dating a human, getting famous, and then completely dipping. No one does it like you. I would love to try to recreate that.” She laughed. 

Josh found that hard to believe. He was probably just the first one to get caught. 

“That’s cool…” Josh tried to look down on Earth to find his next person, but this other angel somehow stopped him. 

“I need advice. I am kind of freaking out and I need help. You’re the only one who can help me because you’ve done it before. I don’t think I’ll fuck up as bad as you did, though. Because I know what you did wrong and I won’t do all of those things.” Debby somehow had a grasp on him. 

“Go find a person to stalk then.” Josh rolled his nonexistent eyes. 

“That’s the thing.  I did.” Debby said. 

Josh wanted to be left alone. He wanted to give himself a few moments to overthink about Tyler. He did not want to talk to this “girl” anymore. He didn’t care if an angel was trying to repeat his mistakes. She shouldn’t have been inspired; it should be the other way around. She should have seen his bad choices and realized that was the last thing an Angel should do. 

“Okay.” 

“Here’s the problem!” Debby exclaimed. 

“Okay?”

“It’s your boyfriend’s fake girlfriend.” 

Josh felt uneasy. If he had a heart in Heaven, it would drop. This was why she was coming to him? The angel who ruined everything was about to ask him for help and advice? This had to be a joke. A sick, sick, sick joke. 

“Oh.” Was all Josh could find himself saying. 

“Which is why I need your help. I need your advice. And I need you to come down with me.” Debby explained, “I’ve never met her. I’ve been watching her for almost a year. It’s crazy that it happens to be Tyler’s new thing. What a weird coincidence. But she’s just so pretty and sweet and helpful and beautiful and talented and-“ 

“I don’t care.” Josh interrupted, “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. I haven’t even seen him or been near him in a year. I’m not going to do anything to help you. Jenna is with Tyler. You’d be barking up the wrong tree.” 

“Oh please! Please!” Debby begged, “I’m only asking you to distract Tyler for a little bit so I can get Jenna to talk to me. Tyler and Jenna aren’t even dating, dude. It’s all fake.” 

“I find that hard to believe.” Josh sighed,  “All I’ve seen of them has been mushy and disgusting. Tyler doesn’t fake that.” 

“But they are. I’ve been watching her, remember? She’s super gay. She just has shitty parents, so she’s dating Tyler. He’s doing it to get everyone off his back about you. That dude is so not over you that it’s funny.” 

“I wouldn’t want to see Tyler anyway. I’m not ready. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to hear about him.” Josh couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He was convinced she was lying to him because she just wanted his help. 

“That’s a lie. You’ve been itching to see him. And look. I have a plan. He won’t even know it’s you. You barely have to talk to him. There’s a party happening in a few days that I’m going to host with a few other angels. I want her to come and impress her. But I need someone who knows Tyler to convince them to go. You understand?” Debby explained. 

“Why would I want to help you?” Josh asked. 

“Because. You’d get to see Tyler again. And it would be fun. You’ve been doing nothing but serious work for a year. Let yourself live a little. I promise. Just this one thing and then I’ll leave you alone. Once I get myself in once, I won’t need any help.” Debby was practically begging again. 

Josh wanted to say no and just go find his next person in a completely different country. He could find someone who hated twenty one pilots so he wouldn’t have to even worry about it. It would be the easy and safe route. And he’d do this until Tyler died. 

“So how am I going to do that?” Josh asked. 

“You’re gonna hate me.” She dragged out the word “hate”.

“What?” Josh frowned. 

“Okay. So. You can’t watch over Tyler again, obviously. And I am going to be Jenna’s angel. And Tyler only really has one sibling who would go to a party like this. So…” Debby trailed off. 

“No. Absolutely not.” Josh said immediately. 

“He won’t know it’s you!” 

“I am not doing that. Absolutely not. This is already a horrible idea that I do not want to do.” Josh could not believe he even considered this. 

“Please! Please! Please! I’ll do something to help you! I will owe you one!” Debby continued to beg and say “please” despite Josh’s frustrations. 

“Fine!” Josh eventually gave up, “I am not doing anything weird with Zack. I’ll pretend to be a girl who’s into him, but I am not kissing or having sex with him.”

“You might have to.” Debby said. 

“I’ll find a way to kill you if that happens.” 

“I mean. If you can’t have Tyler, just go next in line!” Debby laughed, “I’ll give you a second to get your bearings before making you go down.” 

“You aren’t going to give me anything. I’ll go down when I feel like it and when I’m ready. This is all a lot to process, Debby.” 

Josh could feel Debby’s presence leave. 

Josh had to really think this over. Jenna was a fake girlfriend?

And now, he was going to go down there and see him again after barely seeing his face for a whole year? 

And the worst part was, Tyler would have no idea it was Josh. He would have to face his ex boyfriend and he would just think he was some girl. 

Maybe that would be for the best. Tyler should never have to see Josh ever again. 

What the fuck did he just agree to?

Chapter Text

Tyler wasn’t sure how he was going to do this by himself. 

His label told him he needed to have everything for his next album submitted in two months. That was plenty of time, since Tyler worked fast. He had everything written, and he was ready to record.

The problem was that he didn’t have anyone else in his band. He had to record all the parts himself. He had to figure out how to do everything on his own. Sure, he could mix everything on his own. But…it just wasn’t the same. 

He had to make a music video to release his first single in two months as well. He had this big idea and plan for his next era. He took inspiration from the time he forced Josh to completely destroy him. The way he felt, the blackened skin on his neck, and everything about that night was what inspired his character, blurryface. Tyler couldn’t describe it well to anyone else, but he knew it was something special.

It was his way of expressing every insecurity he had of himself through his music. It was a visual reminder of what he had done. 

He missed Josh still. 

How come it had been over a year and he still couldn’t get the man out of his head? Not a man. Angel. A freak of nature that supposedly worked for God himself. This heavenly being had chosen Tyler of all people to love and lose. Tyler knew he wasn’t worth all of that but somehow, Josh chose him anyway. 

Tyler still couldn’t wrap his head around it. He wondered who Josh was the guardian angel to now. Maybe he had a new boyfriend much like Tyler had his “girlfriend”. 

He wondered if Josh would understand the songs he wrote for him, if he ever bothered to listen. He probably wouldn’t. 

Want the markings made on my skin

To mean something to me again

Hope you haven't left without me

Hope you haven't left without me, please

Tyler glanced over at Jenna, “I can’t believe we have to go over there just to meet Zack’s new stupid girlfriend.” 

“It’ll be fine. I would barely call her a girlfriend.” Jenna shrugged and turned around so Tyler could zip up the dress she had on. 

Tyler had been feeling pretty weird that day. He had for a few days. He was doing a great job at not showing it to Jenna. 

“I mean, a week is a new record. I think he had a girlfriend once for three months? But a week is pretty good for him.” Tyler helped her out and stepped back. It was too pretty of a dress for her to wear to his parents’ house. But she was just good at playing her part. 

“I love your family. I just can’t stand him. He gives me horrible vibes.” Jenna pulled her phone out and started to scroll through instagram. She sat down on Tyler’s bed.

“I would have us stay home if we could. But I promised my parents I would go. He seems to be really into this girl.” Tyler shrugged, “I doubt she’s anything special. Sorry. That’s mean. He just never picks the right girls.” 

Jenna laughed, “for sure.” She walked over to him and helped him button his shirt back up. He buttoned it completely wrong.  

Tyler sighed, “I think without you, I’d look like a complete mess.” 

“You probably would.” Jenna fixed his hair, “you need a haircut. I think it would look really good if you shortened it. Maybe not a full shave. But tight.” 

“Yeah. I let it grow too long.” He looked up slightly, “give me a haircut?” 

“Tyler. We have to leave in ten minutes and you’re already dressed.” Jenna laughed. 

“We can be late.” Tyler started to unbutton his shirt, “I feel like I need my hair cut already. It’s getting too long. You’re pretty fast with it too.” 

“Tyler.” Jenna laughed and went to find his cape to cut his hair. 

“Thanks, babe.” Tyler went to his kitchen to find a chair and a garbage bag to put on the floor. 

Jenna gave him a quick haircut. Tyler wasn’t sure why, but he had a weird feeling. He had a weird feeling down in his gut that this “dinner” with his family was going to end up being important. He shouldn’t, because it was just for Zack. 

Tyler looked in the mirror. He was surprised that Jenna was so good at understanding what his head needed. It was much shorter than he’d had it for a while. Last time it was this short was when he filmed the Car Radio music video. He only had a few haircuts since then. But it had been a few months and he had too much of a floof. 

“Okay, go shower now so we can go.” Jenna teased, “I have to clean up the floor now. You are so funny. We’re already late.” 

“It’s fine. Like I said. Just Zack. I don’t care as much.” Tyler went to take a shower. While he was in there, he felt his heart drop again. He had chills creep up his spine. He had been feeling this for almost a week. Something had changed. 

There was an aura surrounding Tyler that made him so uneasy, and it kept getting worse. His arms were cold. His urges got worse because he just felt so manic and he wasn’t sure why anymore. Tyler wanted answers and the only one he could think of was that he was going crazy. 

Tyler tried to shake it off. He physically started to shake his arms to try to get the manic feelings out. He was able to calm it down when he was around Jenna. But now that he was alone with his thoughts, he felt crazy. 

Tyler turned the heat up. He poured way too much shampoo into his hair and scratched it out under the boiling water. He winced at the feeling and tried his best not to cry. 

What was happening to him?

Tyler let himself break out in a single sob before turning the water off. He had to get over this. Jenna could not see this, because she would ask too many questions that Tyler would not have the answer to. 

He stepped out, dried off, and got dressed. His skin was bright red, so she was going to know he overdid the heat. He looked in the mirror and smiled because at least he looked good. 

“Whoa, okay.” Jenna said when she saw him, “Mr. Beet over here.” 

Tyler laughed, “Stop. I just needed a hot shower to calm my nerves. It’s not that bad. It’ll calm down in a few minutes.” 

Jenna shrugged and grabbed his hand, “let’s go before we end up being too late. Your mom is going to have a heart attack if we’re not there soon.” 

“You’re right.” Tyler grabbed his keys so they could leave. 

He felt worse and worse on the ride. It was as if the closer he got to his parents’ house, the more uneasy he felt. Maybe it was because he hadn’t seen Zack in a few weeks. He didn’t talk to Zack as often as he should have. Tyler just remembered how Zack treated him during his mental health crisis a few years ago. He forgave him, but couldn’t find himself forgetting it. 

They parked in the driveway. Tyler was almost shaking. 

“Hey, are you alright?” Jenna asked gently as she took his hand once she was out of the car. 

“I’m fine. I think. I just feel weird. I can’t explain it.” Tyler shook his head. He tried his best to calm his nerves. He squeezed Jenna’s hand. At least she was with him. She would keep him sane. 

“About time you got here.” Zack teased him as he opened the door, “even I got here before you and I had to go pick up Thalita from work.” 

“Thalita?” Tyler frowned. 

“My girlfriend? Keep up, Tyler. We’ve been dating for a week now.” Zack teased, “nice haircut. It’s about time. Your hair was getting too long.” 

“Thanks.” Tyler smiled and stepped inside. The hair on his arms stuck up and he had goosebumps. He shivered and tried to shake it off. He could tell his eyes looked dark to Zack because he immediately looked offended. 

Tyler felt worse than he did in the driveway. 

“You good man? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Zack teased. 

Jenna frowned, “he’s fine, Zack. Don’t worry about it.” She took Tyler’s hand and walked with him into the dining room. 

A girl with dark black curls was sitting at the counter. She was laughing with Tyler’s mom as if they had known each other forever. He could tell she was the type of girl who tried too hard to make her new boyfriend’s parents happy. 

Tyler immediately hated her. 

She looked over at Tyler. It was just her eyes, her head stayed fixated on his mom. 

Their eyes locked and Tyler felt his head drop to the floor for some reason. He knew what this was. He had it happen before. 

The girl looked scared. 

She was only dating Zack to meet Tyler. He could tell by the nervous look in her eyes. He was going to be nice, because he was a nice guy. Tyler would greet her and act like he didn’t know. 

“Hi. You’re Thalita?” Tyler asked. He walked over to the counter next to his mom. 

Jenna walked over to the cabinet and started getting plates out to help set up the table. She usually did that when they came over for dinner. Jenna was always so eager to help, which made Tyler look lazy. 

“Y-Yeah. You’re…Tyler? Right?” She asked. Her voice was harsh, yet familiar. 

“Yeah. I’m sure you knew that.” Tyler laughed. 

“Zack talks about you all the time.” Thalita shrugged, “I know you’re in a band too, but to be honest, it’s not really my style.”

Tyler frowned. She had to be lying. 

“No offense. I’m just not a big fan of your work. I like the song Zack is in, though. It’s too out there for me.” Thalita stood up. 

If she hated his band, why did she seem so nervous? 

Tyler couldn’t help but be offended. He knew people could have opinions and he was used to hate. But it seemed weird coming from someone who was so willing to tell him. She was supposed to be his brother’s “girlfriend” and yet she was already so rude to him. 

Tyler’s unease continued. Now he was just pissed off as well. He couldn’t win. There was nothing he could do but just dissociate and hope that it would go away. 

He couldn’t look at her. Something was wrong. 

“What ever happened to your drummer? I’ve heard rumors. Zack won’t really tell me. I bring him up and he gets weird about it.” She glanced at Tyler’s mom and then back at him. 

“Oh.” Tyler sighed, “I get this question way too often. I don’t really know. He left. I haven’t heard from him. That’s all there is to it.” 

“Oh. You haven’t even heard from him?” She pressed her lips together, “did you do something to him?” 

“What?” Tyler frowned, “No? It’s not really your business.” 

“Sorry. I was just curious. My sister is a fan of you and never stopped talking about it.” She shrugged. 

“Well. What Josh did was horrible.” Tyler’s mom looked at him, “Tyler deserved better. I miss Josh, but at least Tyler is in a better place now than he was back then.” 

Except Tyler really wasn’t. Jenna helped him a lot, but in a way, Tyler was still miserable. He missed Josh, and hated talking about him. Tyler missed having a bandmate. He couldn’t do this on his own. But it was too late. 

“Thanks. Can we change the subject now? What’s for dinner?” Tyler asked. 

Jenna looked over at him from the dining room table and could tell there was something off with him. Tyler shuddered and looked away from everyone. He needed it. He needed some kind of release but he had been so good he needed to be strong. 

But this overwhelming feeling was something he hadn’t felt in over a year. 

“Chicken parm.” His mom responded, “the chicken is in the oven, and I’m about to start the pasta. Jenna, dear, can you get out the big pot for me?” 

Jenna nodded with a smile and went to find the pot. Tyler felt guilty that she was always stuck helping his mom out. Much like Josh, his mom loved Jenna. She always seemed to gravitate to his partners. 

Josh.  

Tyler missed him. This woman bringing him up did nothing but stab Tyler in the heart. He wanted to do things so differently. He would turn back time. He would just give himself a few minutes to process what Josh had said and just forgive him. 

But it made him the person he was today. He would have never met Jenna, and that had to be something. God did everything for a reason. 

“I’m vegan. But that’s okay. I’m sure Zack didn’t mention it.” Thalita commented, “It’s whatever.”

“Oh! I’ll make sure to keep the pasta and sauce separate from everything else.” His mom smiled, “just so that you can eat something!”

“Thank you.” Thalita smiled. 

Tyler had to bite his tongue. He needed to go home because he couldn’t stand this. Something about this girl outside of her words was making him feel insane. 

“Hold on a sec.” Jenna said to his mom. She walked over to Tyler and put a hand on his shoulder, “Do you need to step away?” She whispered in his ear as quietly as she could. 

“Am I that obvious?” He whispered back. 

“Yes. You are not hiding your face at all.” Jenna took Tyler’s hand and brought him over to the door by the basement. 

“I don’t know. I get really weird vibes from her. Something’s really off with me, Jen. I don’t know what…I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Tyler shuddered again. 

“If you need anything, I’m here. We can leave whenever you want.  I just don’t want you to get too overwhelmed and do something stupid.” Jenna rubbed his arm, “let’s just get through the next hour or so, and then we can go back to your place and get wine drunk.” 

“Yes, please.” Tyler sighed. They walked back. 

Dinner was fine. Tyler spent most of it feeling uneasy. Every time she spoke, he felt his body freeze. She was just some girl. Why did she make Tyler feel like this? 

Zack seemed to like her a lot. They got along well. Tyler had to endure them speaking negatively of Josh multiple times, which did nothing but piss him off. He didn’t mind talking bad about his ex. But it was excessive. Josh did a lot of bad things to Tyler, but Tyler didn’t hate him anymore. 

Tyler just missed him. 

He would do anything just to talk to him again. He didn’t want to reconcile with him. Tyler just wanted to have a conversation about what happened without the fighting. Tyler was so sick of the silence.

Tyler just wanted to see him again. 

Why hadn’t Josh tried to find him? 

Just once. He wanted to see him just once. Tyler was crashing out. It had been over a year. He needed to stop. The crickets from Josh were starting to weigh him down. Tyler was hyper aware of his body. Everyone around him started to blur except for Thalita, as if she was glowing in his mind. 

Tyler was spacing out as he usually did. He got too lost in thought and he just knew his face was blank. That was odd. His vision had never done that before. 

“Tyler?” Thalita frowned at him, “You’re spacing out again.” 

Again?

This was the first time he met her. How would she know what he did? 

Tyler ignored it. She was lecturing him as if she knew him. That pissed him off even more. 

But the softness of her voice felt familiar. It pissed him off because she had the audacity. But she didn’t seem like she was doing it to be an asshole. It was the same tone that Jenna would give when she said similar things to him. It was just like how Josh would be worried when he dissociated too hard. 

Just like Josh . 

Tyler took a deep breath. He hated this girl with such a burning passion. She even kind of looked like Josh. She reminded him of Josh, and it made Tyler sick. 

Zack was sick for bringing this girl into their parents’ home and making Tyler meet her. He had to know. He had to see the similarities. Unless Tyler was just crazy and saw Josh everywhere he went. 

Everyone ignored her comment and went back to eating as if nothing happened. 

They had dessert. Tyler was great at keeping his mask on the entire time, and Thalita said nothing else to him. In fact, she avoided his gaze the entire time. She was probably embarrassed for saying something so out of pocket. 

“Thank you for dinner.” Jenna said sweetly to his parents, “I think we’re going to head home soon.” 

“So soon? Thalita’s friend is having a party nearby. She said anyone is invited. You guys should come with us.” Zack frowned. 

Tyler did not want to do that. 

He absolutely did not want to go to some party. 

“Yeah, sure. I’m not doing anything.” Tyler shrugged. 

He hated himself for that. 

“Awesome. I haven’t been to a party with you in so long, Tyler. It’ll be fun. Let me go upstairs and get changed.” Zack got up from his seat. He collected as many plates as he could to put in the sink. 

Jenna practically shot daggers through Tyler’s skull. She didn’t mind parties. They went to them all the time. But she hated Zack, and now Tyler was making her go with him to a party. 

He just wanted to get drunk to forget about Josh. Maybe he’d find a cute guy he could use to distract himself because he couldn’t take it anymore. He was still feeling so manic and he’d rather get drunk than be an idiot. 

“So maybe we can drive together.” Thalita said, “I don’t drink. But my friend is hosting the party and just wants more people there.” 

Jenna glanced at Tyler again.

“You guys are dressed nice, so you guys are already good to go. Give me five minutes.” Zack went up the stairs to his room. 

Jenna sighed, “So, Thalita, how did you meet Zack?” 

“Oh. We met at a house party. Actually, the same friend we’re going to.” The way she smiled slightly to the side as she spoke made Tyler ill. He felt the food he had just eaten rumble in his stomach. He knew where he knew that from and Tyler hated that he made the connection. 

But this was just some girl. He had to get his head back in the game. 

“That’s cool. You guys must have really hit it off to be considered boyfriend and girlfriend so soon.” Jenna said. 

“Yeah. We started dating immediately. We made out and decided that was it.” She had a smile, but Tyler could see some sort of pain behind those eyes. It was as if Thalita was miserable. 

He frowned at her. Tyler couldn’t control it because everything kept getting weirder and weirder. This girl kept getting more familiar and Tyler felt sicker and sicker. 

Thalita flashed with a look of panic when she saw Tyler’s frown. She fixed herself after a brief moment and looked away from him. Tyler wanted to get her alone so he could know what her problem with him really was. 

Tyler just wanted to go to this party so he could get drunk, force himself to hook up with a guy, and then go home. He wanted the night to be over with and it was just barely starting. 

“Okay. Ready to go!” Zack came down. All he did was change his shirt. 

“Cool. I don’t have my own car but I’ll drive Zack’s.” Thalita smiled. 

“No. Take Tyler’s. Mine is too messy right now.” Zack shook his head. He grabbed Thalita’s hand and they all walked out together. Tyler didn’t give permission to use his car, but he was just going to deal with it. 

“Oh. You got a new car.” Thalita said. 

Tyler furrowed his brow, “what?” 

“I uh…” Thalita looked away from him, “I remember Zack showing me an old photo and you had a different car.” 

“Okay…sure… I can drive us there. You can just drive home.” Tyler said to Thalita as he got in his driver’s seat. He needed to change the subject before her words got to his head. Tyler’s car shouldn’t be something a stranger paid attention to. 

Thalita opened the passenger side door and paused. 

Jenna stood next to her and frowned. Passenger side was Jenna’s side. Why was a stranger trying to sit there? 

Tyler was starting to feel more and more wary of this girl. He didn’t want to go to those thoughts, because they made him feel insane. But everything the woman did felt so off. This was not Zack’s girlfriend. This was something else and Tyler knew in the back of his head but he didn’t want to believe it. 

It just wasn’t possible. 

Josh wouldn’t be so stupid. 

They arrived at the party. Tyler saw a decent amount of cars, but not enough to overwhelm him. Tyler got out of the car and went to open Jenna’s door for her. He took her hand and kissed it. 

Jenna smiled, “you’re so cute, Ty.” 

Something inside Tyler wanted to act even more cutesy. He wrapped an arm around her and darted his eyes towards Zack and Thalita. Zack frowned and put his arm around Thalita. 

She winced when she felt his touch. Zack was clearly not getting the memo that this girl wasn’t as into him as he thought she was. 

Or maybe it was because Tyler was around and Thalita was actually Josh and he was dating Zack to be an asshole. Maybe “Thalita” was acting differently now because she was nervous around Tyler. 

Tyler wasn’t an idiot.

Tyler had to get that out of his head. 

Maybe Tyler was just being paranoid because she seemed too familiar. People were familiar all the time. It was just a suspicious amount of coincidences that added up to too much. Tyler felt like he was going crazy. 

They walked in and were greeted immediately by a girl with ginger hair. She was overly cheery and went right to Jenna. 

“Hi! I’m Debby!” She looked at the two of them. 

There was something familiar about her too. It wasn't as obvious or painful as Thalita, but Tyler felt like he had met her before. 

“Oh, hi Debby! I like your hair. It’s really pretty.” Jenna’s face seemed to heat up a bit. From what Tyler remembered, Jenna had always been a sucker for ginger girls. They would probably hit it off immediately if she was into that. 

“Thank you.” Debby shook Jenna’s hand and looked at Tyler, “and you’re Tyler Joseph. You don’t have to introduce yourself. I love your band. When I found out my bestie was dating the singer’s brother, I just had to make her bring you here. I love your Car Radio song.” 

“Thanks.” Tyler smiled, “glad to hear you like it.” 

“And fuck Josh Dun. Fuck that guy. Right, Thalita? Right? Fuck that guy for what he did. Fuck Josh Dun, seriously!” Debby giggled. 

Thalita didn’t respond. She just looked at Tyler. 

“Thalita just hates Josh Dun.” She gripped Jenna’s hand, “want to come get a drink with me?” 

“Okay!” Jenna smiled. Tyler could tell by her eyes that she wasn’t going to be able to resist hanging out with this girl. That was fine. Just leave him with his brother and his weird girlfriend. 

They ran off without another word and Tyler felt the hairs on his neck stick up. All Zack would have to go is go get something and leave him alone with her. He didn’t want that. Tyler needed to get away from them because he didn’t like her. He didn’t like to be around “Thalita”. He needed to escape. 

Tyler felt himself gravitate towards her. He hated her. She made him uncomfortable. But he wanted to be near her because Tyler just knew. 

He just knew. 

“Hey, Zack. Can you get me a Coke?” Thalita asked. 

Zack frowned, “Tyler can get it.” 

“No. I asked you, honey.” Thalita turned her head and seemed almost aggressive about it. If Tyler didn’t know any better, he’d say her eyes almost changed color. They went from a deep brown to a light brown. 

Almost as if they were threatening to light up. 

Tyler felt the doubt in his mind start to wipe away. 

It had to be. 

There was just no way it wasn’t. 

The bastard. 

He waited an entire year. He waited until now to find Tyler? And he did it like this?

“Yeah. She asked you to do it, Zack.” Tyler was firm, “go get it.”

He could feel his face and his hands grow cold. He was freezing. He was so angry. Tyler couldn’t feel his body anymore. His eyesight disappeared again except for the woman standing before him. 

If Tyler even wanted to consider it a woman. 

As soon as Zack was out of earshot, he gripped Thalita’s arm. 

He dragged her outside. There was an area by the cars that was completely secluded away from everyone. 

The fact she just let Tyler drag her away without a word was another sign. 

Tyler shook his head and pressed his lips together. 

“Who the fuck do you think you are, Josh?” 

Chapter Text

Josh swallowed hard. 

It took him a second to register what Tyler had said. There was no way.

Sure, Josh felt somewhat different when he landed in Columbus. It was his first time in the area since their breakup. He had a fake heart, but somehow it jumped out of his chest as soon as he materialized. It was like he could sense Tyler was nearby. 

He was sure it was just anxiety. But the fact Tyler recognized him was a sign that maybe something else was going on. It was like they were connected in some other way. 

Or maybe Josh was just overthinking. 

“I don’t know what you mean.” Josh laughed nervously. He pushed aside his long curls and tucked them behind his ears. 

“Please. Save me the act. You don’t have to pretend with me and act stupid.” Tyler took in a deep breath and let it out with an over dramatic sigh. 

“I’m only here on a mission.” Josh let the facade go, “it’s nothing personal.”

“On a mission? To what? Fuck my brother?” Tyler crossed his arms. 

“No.”

“Then why are you Zack’s angel, of all people?” Tyler couldn’t even look Josh in the eyes. Josh couldn’t either. He was so embarrassed that he got caught. Debby assured him it would be fine. He just had to do this one thing and he could go. 

“I can’t explain that to you.” Josh sighed, “you weren’t even supposed to know it was me.” 

“Did you fuck him?” Tyler asked, ignoring what Josh had just said. 

“No.” 

“But you kissed him. You made out with him.” 

“I’m sure you’ve kissed and made out with other people.” Josh couldn’t believe they were actually having this conversation. It’s not like he enjoyed making out with Zack. He was lucky his stomach wasn’t real, otherwise he would have easily thrown up every time. 

“Yeah. I’ve had boyfriends and I have a girlfriend. Of course I have. But that’s my brother. My brother, who mind you, has been openly homophobic towards us. And you kissed him?” Tyler let out another manic laugh. 

“It wasn’t my first choice.” Josh shrugged, “I had to be Zack’s angel so I could get to you.” 

“So you could get to me? Fuck you. Oh my God. Fuck you. You waited a year to talk to me? I prayed to you. I prayed every night. ” Tyler put his head in his hands. 

“I didn’t hear them.”

“Of course you didn’t. Why would you? Did you try to listen?” Josh could tell Tyler was trying not to raise his voice. 

Josh knew that he explained how it worked to Tyler, but he refused to listen. He was always so stubborn. Josh was starting to get frustrated too, because it was like he couldn’t get a single word in. 

“You know that-“ 

“I don’t know anything. I know nothing. Fuck, Josh. I needed you. You never even came to check on me. I needed you. I tried to kill myself. If Jenna didn’t save me, I’d probably be fucking dead now.” Tears were forming in his eyes. 

“Tyler. I told you I couldn’t-“

“Why did you wait this long? Did you ever love me? You don’t even care now. Why now?” Tyler wouldn’t let Josh speak. He was getting frustrated. It was so like Tyler to make everything about himself. Did he care that Josh had been suffering too?

“Debby needed me to-“

“ Debby? The girl whose house we’re at? She’s the reason you’re here? Not me?” Tyler stepped back. 

“If you fucking let me finish talking, Tyler.” Josh huffed.  

“Excuse me? I’m sorry. No, please. Go ahead, Josh. I’m so sorry that I interrupted whatever bullshit you were about to spout to me.” Tyler pressed his lips together and shook his head in anger. 

“It’s not bullshit. I’ve told you that I can’t hear your prayers or come to you specifically after I leave you. There was no way for me to hear what you had to say to me. I’m not apologizing for that.” 

“I didn’t ask you to? I needed you. You didn’t bother to check up on me. If you have the ability to come to my family members, you could have at least visited one of them just to see me. I feel like you just didn’t care enough.” Tyler sighed. His voice went from anger to sadness.

Josh felt like Tyler was manipulating him to make him feel bad. It was only slightly working. 

“I don’t remember you ever even talking about missing me. You could have said something in an interview or on Twitter. But instead, you were silent. What was I supposed to think? You only ever talk about your fake girlfriend , so what did you want me to do? I thought you just moved on. So I moved on too.” Josh didn’t move on at all. 

In fact, talking to Tyler now was probably the most painful thing he had to do in a while. He just wanted to kiss him despite this argument. He had to resist every urge. Beside it all, he was overwhelmed to see him again. 

Tyler was his person, and Josh knew that was never going to go away. 

“I didn’t want to talk about you publicly. I had to pretend like everything was okay to appease my label. I don’t know how I’m going to do this without you. I can’t do it on my own, Josh. I needed you.” 

“You told me to leave.”

“Because I was overwhelmed and upset! Of course I was going to tell you to leave when my emotions were high. You know I’m self destructive. You should have fucking checked up on me at least. I could have died and you wouldn’t even have noticed.” Tyler’s voice was yet again starting to raise. 

This conversation was going nowhere. It was barely a conversation. It was just Tyler getting angry at Josh instead of listening. He probably didn’t even care to hear him out. Tyler just wanted to find a reason to get angry. 

“I was hurting too.” Josh sighed, “I was hurting. You forget that you broke up with me. I hurt in my own way. I couldn’t even look at you. I couldn’t even come close to Columbus because I knew you’d be there. I avoided you like the plague because I didn’t want to see you.” Josh admitted. 

“That’s mature of you. I would have done anything to talk to you again. I couldn’t handle not seeing you. I hated you so much but I loved you too much. God. You’re such a fucking asshole, Josh.”

“ I’m the asshole?” Josh laughed, “be real, Tyler. You never even said anything publicly about me outside that one post. How the fuck was I supposed to know?”

“I am being so real with you. I spent so many nights just praying to you. I apologized, I begged, I cried, and I did just about anything I could.” Josh could tell Tyler was starting to wind himself up again, “I really just thought you didn’t care. Even then, I still prayed. I fucking missed you and you purposely fucking ignored me.” 

Josh was so sick of Tyler not listening to him. 

“I fucking told you that I wouldn’t be able to hear you. You should have just let me go instead of obsessing over me. Fuck, Tyler. It’s not my fault you wasted your precious time and energy talking to yourself .” Josh’s body was heating up. He was in a fresh vessel, so there was no danger. But the anger and frustration were still there. 

He felt his eyes threaten to flash, so he closed them. Josh was not about to be exposed because his ex-boyfriend was pissing him off. 

With his eyes closed, he didn’t see the wind up for the smack that was dealt to his cheek. It didn’t hurt, because Josh was an immortal being. A simple smack from a human was nothing. 

However, it was the frustration that got to Josh. The fact Tyler would hit him like this. It was so unlike him. He could get angry and act out. But Tyler would never stoop that low. 

Except he did. 

Josh kept his eyes closed, “Tyler?”

“Sorry! I’m sorry! God. You just-“ he stopped himself. 

“That didn’t hurt but what the fuck?” Josh had to squeeze his eyes tighter. He hated that getting hit like that made him so feral. He felt like he hated Tyler’s guts, but he needed to press him against the car and kiss him. 

Josh needed to do something to battle the piercing silence that formed between them. Both were in shock. 

Tyler began to cry. It wasn’t an angry cry. Josh knew this tone. This was Tyler’s disastrous cry. This was the one that usually ended with Josh holding him for an entire night. 

It was quiet and heartbreaking. It was when the cocoon that Tyler wrapped so tightly around himself started to shed. It was a version of Tyler that he never showed to anyone else. 

“I’m sorry.” Josh said softly, “that was out of pocket. I shouldn’t have said that when I know that it was probably really painful to feel ignored. I’m just… this isn’t how I wanted to see you again.” 

He slowly opened his eyes when the anger subsided. Josh should have remembered how destructive Tyler could be when he was upset. 

“Did you even want to see me again?” Tyler wiped his eyes. 

“Of course I did. I just didn’t want to overstep or-” Josh stepped closer to Tyler.

“Don’t.” Tyler held his hand out to make sure Josh didn’t come any closer, “just go away.” 

“You’re trying to shut me out again?” Josh frowned. 

“I can’t. I can’t be around you right now. Not like this . Not when you aren’t you.” Tyler shook his head, “I’m sick of talking to a stranger that I have to pretend is you.”  

“Oh.” Josh wasn’t able to think of anything else to say. 

“I missed you. I miss you. Fuck, Josh. It was a year of absolute silence. You at least got to find out about me through the news. I had nothing.” Tyler sighed, “just go. You got to see me. You got to help Debby with whatever fucked up thing she wanted you to do. Leave me alone.” 

“I don’t want to.” Josh said. 

“I’m sure you don’t. But I don’t know you. I can’t look at you right. I know you can’t come back as Josh. And I don’t even know if I want you to, because I couldn’t hold myself back. We’re over. We’re done. I can’t even say it was nice to see you again, because it wasn’t.” Tyler was rambling through his tears again.

“Tyler, can we-“

“No. Josh, please. I already know that I have to continue twenty one pilots by myself. I have to try to figure out how to navigate that by myself, somehow. If I have the knowledge you’re around, and you can’t even help me with that, there’s no point in having you here. Don’t make it harder for me. I can’t know you’re here as someone else and I can’t…I can’t…whatever. Just go.”

Josh couldn’t handle leaving him. But he had to. He stepped away without another word. He knew Tyler was still crying. He knew he should not have left. Josh was sure Tyler was just being stubborn. But he knew he was so stubborn that he didn’t want to see anyone but Josh as Josh. 

Josh was looking around trying to find someone who could check up on Tyler. He’d prefer Jenna, because she was the person who could ground him. 

But he would have to settle with Zack. He was the only person Josh was able to find. 

“Hey baby.” Zack grabbed his waist and pulled him into a kiss. Josh had to stop himself from physically gagging. 

He needed to get out of there. He did his job. He didn’t even care about improving Zack’s life. He could die for all Josh cared. 

Josh pulled away first, “I don’t think this is working. Your brother is an asshole. But, he’s very upset right now. I think you should go find him.” 

“What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?” Zack frowned. 

“Hardly a breakup if we only dated for a week.” Josh laughed, “your mouth is gross anyway. I only dated you to meet your brother. He’s a basket case. Maybe you should go make sure he’s okay.” 

“What the fuck is wrong with you? That’s my brother first of all. What’s the point of trying to go through me to get to him when he lives around here? I’m a person too.” Josh was so tired of hearing him speak. Zack continued, “Second, why? Why string me along without even sleeping with me? You-“ 

Josh interrupted him, “I said what I needed to say. Go find your brother. He’s outside. He needs someone. Honestly, I don’t need to say anything else to you.” Josh stepped away and walked into another room. 

Zack followed him. 

“Don’t just walk away from me!” Zack exclaimed. 

Josh kept walking. 

“Thalita, please!” Zack wouldn’t stop. 

Josh paused and didn’t turn around, “Zack. Don’t push me. Go back to your brother before I lose my mind.” 

Zack didn’t move. He was being stubborn just like his brother. All Josh wanted to do was go nuts at him again. He wanted to freak Zack out so badly. But he didn’t. Josh just continued to walk without another word. 

“My brother is fine. He has Jenna.” 

“Jenna isn’t with him. If you don’t care about him, then fine. I’m sure he’ll remember that.” Josh sighed, “you’re selfish. You never cared about him.” 

“Wh-“ Zack started, “How would you?” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Josh clenched his fists and turned around to face him, “Go check up on your brother. He needs someone, and I’m not that person. I don’t know where Jenna is, but I know where you are. Just go over there and check up on him if you have any human fucking decency.” 

Josh accidentally let his eyes change color, with the threat of light teetering towards the surface. 

Zack just looked Josh in the eyes as if he was suspicious of him. It was as if he knew as well, but he didn’t have the same knowledge Tyler did. It was like a fearful instinct. Zack squinted his eyes and stepped back a few feet. 

Without another word, he turned around and practically speed-walked out the door. 

Josh needed to find Debby to tell her that he was out of their deal. He needed to leave. He looked all over the house and couldn’t find her. Usually he was pretty good at feeling other angels’ energies. But he couldn’t figure out hers. 

Josh took two laps to try to find her. He would hate to just leave without giving her an explanation, since he was sure she was going to need him again. But Josh had to put Tyler’s feelings first. 

Tyler wouldn’t be able to handle seeing Josh dating his brother anymore. He knew Tyler would spiral. He knew Tyler would get worse and maybe even relapse again if he saw Josh like that. 

Josh needed to get away. Even the thought of hurting Tyler like that made him sick. He already did enough damage. 

He needed to leave before Tyler decided to come into the house. He couldn’t see him again. He couldn’t. Josh found a secluded closet where he would be alone. He took a deep breath and then he was gone. 

Josh arrived back in Heaven. He was relieved when there wasn’t another presence waiting for him there. 

Josh didn’t feel great. He had no body, and he had no bodily functions. But he wanted to throw up. He fucked up in every possible way. Tyler had to hate him even more. 

Josh went from a year of complete silence to tearing Tyler apart. He probably wound back a year of progress for Tyler. Maybe Josh was thinking too highly of himself. Maybe he was important to Tyler, but not that important. 

Tyler just needed someone to vent his anger to. Josh was sure Tyler didn’t care about him that much after a year. 

Josh put his eyes back on Earth. He needed to find somewhere else far away from Columbus. Even being in the area hurt him because it drew him back to Tyler. 

He wanted to be somewhere that didn’t make him feel like he was going insane. 

Josh looked somewhere in Europe. Maybe London was far enough. He could go there and just help people until he was numb. Josh needed to bury himself in his work for good and escape the United States forever.  

He took a few minutes to select a person. He found some girl. She seemed depressed, but not horribly. She would probably take Josh a few days to help before he was satisfied. 

He was about to jump down, but he was stopped. 

“What the fuck, Josh!” 

It was Debby. 

“What?” Josh sighed, “I’m about to go down to Earth. What else could you need?”

“You know what you did. You left too early! I needed you more. And then I find out that you upset Tyler so badly that Zack came and found us. Jenna practically told me goodbye forever. She didn’t even get my number.” Debby huffed. 

“Okay?” Josh really didn’t care. 

“What did you say to Tyler? You weren’t even really supposed to talk to him. You were supposed to stay with Zack! You just love to find ways to mess things up, Josh.” 

“No. Tyler sought me out. We argued. And he knew it was me without me saying anything. He asked me to leave, so I did. I wasn’t going to hurt him like that by staying with Zack just so you could get with some girl.” Josh would shake his head if he had one. 

“It’s not some girl. I really like her. You know how that feels. She was so nice and sweet to me today. I wanted a chance with her and you ruined it because of your stupid divorce with your boyfriend.” 

“I don’t care. I did enough damage, I wasn’t going to do any more.” 

“Josh. You ruined it for everyone. And now what am I supposed to do? I can’t be her angel again. And I couldn’t do it on my own. I needed you there.” Debby was getting on Josh’s nerves. 

Josh said nothing else. He just sighed again. 

“Don’t sigh at me. You did this. You fix it.” 

“How do I fix it? It’s over, okay? I uh, I don’t think there is anything we can do. So maybe just let me go help other people.” Josh said. 

He was tired. He was emotionally exhausted. The last week was absolute hell. He was supposed to be an emotionless angel, but everything was getting to be too much. Josh wished that the more powerful angels would get rid of him. 

Seeing Tyler again destroyed every single bit of improvement Josh made on himself. He felt himself becoming obsessed again. Tyler was rotating in his mind constantly as if Josh was a microwave and Tyler was the hot pocket. 

“I don’t know. But you better figure it out.” Debby threatened, “or I’ll…I don’t know. I’ll do something.”

“Very scary.” Josh teased, “also I guess we’re even now. You ruined everything for me when you gave me my memories back. I don’t owe you anything.” 

“That’s funny. But you’re wrong. You owe me. And maybe I owe you. So let’s figure this out, right?” 

“No. Let’s not.” 

“Wait. Okay, wait.” Debby hummed, “don’t you want to see Tyler again?” 

“Not really.” Josh lied. 

He wanted nothing more than to see Tyler again. 

“So. Hear me out!” Debby started. 

“I’d rather not, Debby.” 

“I can’t be Jenna’s angel. You can’t be Tyler’s angel…but…” 

“No. Do not even suggest that.” Josh said immediately. 

“Tyler is a nutcase so no one would bat an eye if I tried to be his angel. And Jenna needs help coming out to her family, so… I can help her with that. And we can fly under the radar if we play our cards right. I’m sure if you don’t act stupid, you can get away with Tyler not finding out.” Debby explained. 

“Tyler would know. If I’m doing that, I’m not going to hide. I’m going back down as myself.” Josh insisted. 

“Everyone would notice that.” 

“Yeah. Maybe they’d take me away and remove my existence.” Josh said. 

Josh just remembered what Tyler had said. He didn’t want to see Josh as anyone but Josh.  

Maybe if he came back as himself, Tyler would talk to him again. Josh wanted nothing more than to have the chance to actually confront him. 

“Is that really a risk you’d be willing to take?” 

“I don’t think I can keep going like this. If you’re going to force me to see Tyler, I’m doing it right. I’m going to come back and be in the band again. I don’t care if Tyler hates me. But maybe…maybe it will help him.”

“You’re fucking crazy, Josh. Tyler is just some guy. You’d be willing to get in trouble like that? If you join the band, everyone will notice.” Debby laughed. 

“Yeah. What else do I have? I can’t do this forever.” Josh said. It was the truth. Josh missed being in his band. He missed Tyler more, but he knew Tyler couldn’t do it on his own. 

Twenty one pilots was special. It was their project. Maybe Josh was also selfish, but he hated the idea of Tyler doing it without him. He knew he was working on an album, but who would perform the drums?

Only Josh could do something like that. 

Josh had to make sure he made himself different enough, since it was “impossible” to come back exactly the same. He’d change his hair, and maybe add a piercing. Maybe he’d change the size of some body parts, not that he’d use them if Tyler hated him so much. 

But it was something. 

It was just a spark of hope, but it was the first time Josh had felt something other than emptiness in an entire year. 

Chapter Text

Tyler threw his mouse across the room when he saw the email. It slammed against the wall and broke into three pieces. There was a small hole in the wall now where it hit. Tiny fragments of plaster hit the floor. The sound could’ve been heard throughout the entire apartment. 

It was already eight at night. They were supposed to be hanging out while Tyler worked on some of the instrumentals for his songs. He loved to work on the song he wrote for Jenna while she was around, because it always made her smile.

But this was not a smiling moment for Tyler. He might explode. 

Jenna was silent. 

He let out the loudest sigh he could. This was not the time. He saw Josh last two days ago. He hadn’t been the same. Tyler had not slept. He had not eaten. He hadn’t even showered because he knew if he did, he’d burn his skin. He didn’t want to do that. 

Tyler read the email again. 

His record label claimed he needed one more song for the album. But nothing he had written already would fit. It was so last minute, but they wanted Blurryface to have fourteen tracks.  

Jenna stood behind him with her arms crossed. She took a deep breath. Tyler knew that breath. 

“I know what you’re going to say.” Tyler didn’t look behind him. 

“You know me well.” Jenna started to massage his shoulders, “what does it say?” 

“It’s nothing major. I’m just…I am not in the headspace to do this.” Tyler leaned into her touch. All he wanted to do was cringe away from her. He hated being touched when he was overwhelmed. But it was almost comforting to feel her strong grip. 

“What is it? Maybe I can help?” She leaned in and looked at his computer. 

Tyler was surprised she was being so nice to him. She was usually hard on him when he was upset because she knew it was what he needed. But Jenna must have understood that something else was wrong with Tyler to make him act this way. 

“They want me to come up with another song so I can have fourteen tracks.” Tyler grumbled, “with only two months until I need to submit it, mind you. How do they expect me to write, record, and produce a whole song in two months? I haven’t recorded anything else yet. It’s crazy. I have so much to do and I don’t even have a fucking bandmate to help me. It’s…” 

“I understand. If I knew anything, I’d help.” Jenna moved her hands from his shoulder to his hair, “you have so many songs you’ve written in your notebook. Can’t you use those?” 

“My songs explicitly about my ex-boyfriend? They’ll be too obvious. And…I don’t even like those ones. We’re not together anymore, so why would I want to sing about him? I have to be subtle in my songs about him.” Tyler sighed. 

“I guess so.” Jenna pulled Tyler’s desk chair back, “why don’t you take a break and we go do something fun? We can get ice cream.” 

“I have so much to do.” Tyler sighed, “I have to write a song. I have nothing.” 

He couldn’t tell her that he saw Josh the other day, but he wasn’t Josh. How could he even begin to explain that to her without sounding like a lunatic? 

“I’m sure you’ll find it. But sitting here stressing out about it will do nothing.” Jenna held her hand out to try to manipulate Tyler into standing up. 

“I hate you.” Tyler let himself smile and stood up, “I’ll just write a song about getting ice cream. That’ll fit the vibe of the album.” 

Jenna laughed, “I’m sure it will.” 

—

“I really don’t want you to go.” Tyler said softly. She was sitting on the floor in front of him while he braided her hair. 

“You know I have work in the morning. I’ve already slept over too many times this week. My parents are starting to act like I’m a teenager.” Jenna sighed. 

He was twenty-five and acting like he was a teenage girl. It calmed him. They were playing soft “girly” music. They were both singing along to it and laughing. 

It was eleven at that point. He knew Jenna had to go home soon so she could sleep in her own bed before work. Tyler begged her to just quit her job and move in with him. But her parents wouldn’t let her because they “hadn't been together long enough.” 

Tyler was just about ready to marry her at that point. Who wouldn’t want to marry their platonic best friend? Tyler would. That’s how serious he was about her. 

Tyler couldn’t help but feel at least a little better. It was something. Jenna kept him grounded.  Maybe he could just write another song about Jenna for the album. He was so lucky to finally have someone else that he felt understood him. 

He thought Josh understood him, until he learned that Josh was practically his stalker. Every time he missed him again, he had to remember that he was just a spectacle to Josh. Tyler was just a thing for Josh to use. Josh easily lied to Tyler for no reason other than for his own gain. Tyler was just a fucking object. He was just-

Tyler accidentally tugged on Jenna’s hair too hard when he started to think about it. 

“Ow!” She yelped. She moved her head again from Tyler, “what was that for?”

“Sorry!” He apologized profusely and took his hands away. 

“It’s okay, but what the fuck?” She turned around to face him, “you’re on edge today. You’re throwing things and pulling my hair? You’ve never acted up like this before. When I first met you, you acted out against yourself. Now you’re just acting out against other things. What gives?”

Jenna knew him too well. 

“It’s okay. I’m alright, I’m just in my head.” He shrugged. 

“No. Don’t pull that with me.” Jenna put her hands on his thighs, “what’s going on? Ever since the party you’ve been getting worse. Have you slept?”

“Yeah.” 

“Hm.” Jenna sat back and studied Tyler’s face. He looked to the side and then back at her as if he wasn’t sure what to do. She then pushed her face towards him and stared directly into his eyes. 

Tyler huffed and then crossed his arms, “I’m just stressed out about the album.” 

“I don’t think that’s it.” Jenna moved her hand to his cheek, “you can tell me.”

Tyler wanted to die. 

What was he supposed to tell her?

“Jenna, I promise it’s just stress. It’s nothing major. I am not relapsing. I am not going to do anything. I just…” he wasn’t sure how to word what he needed to say. 

“I know. But I just feel like there’s something on your mind. Is it Josh again?” Jenna took her hands off of him because she could tell just the mention of the name was going to overstimulate him. 

“Why is your first thought always Josh? Reminder that I have an album that’s due soon that I’m still working on.” Tyler crossed his arms. 

“I know that. But I know your emotionally sad face versus your stressed face. Did something happen? Or was it just about what Thalita said? You know she was just a fan. She wasn’t anyone important.” Jenna seemed to study Tyler’s face. He couldn’t hide how he felt from her. 

“It’s just…” Tyler trailed off. 

“You just can’t handle anyone mentioning him. Oh, Tyler, you’re still not over him. I knew that already, but I didn’t think it was this bad. Can I get on your lap so I can hug you?” She asked. 

If only she knew how bad it was.

“Yeah.” Tyler nodded. She crawled forward and straddled his lap. She wrapped her arms and legs around him and pressed her face against his shoulder. 

“My boy. Tyler, you’ll be okay. You need need need to find a guy. When was the last time you even slept with a guy?” Jenna asked. 

“Uh…” Tyler looked up at the ceiling as if to think, “six months?” 

“ Six months? Tyler…” Jenna pulled back and stared at him. 

“What? I don’t really… want anyone else…”

“Baby boy. My sweet boy. My idiot best friend. You need to get laid. It’s driving you insane. I got a girl's number the other night by the way. Debby? The girl from the party? I almost kissed her too.” 

“Really? She was your type.” Tyler was hoping this would change the subject completely.  

“Yeah. She seemed a bit too into me, but I don’t think I can complain. I don’t know.” Jenna put both her hands on Tyler’s shoulders, “you and I are both going to get laid soon. I can feel it in my bones. Maybe you’ll find some hot guy and I’ll sleep with this Debby girl.” 

“Good luck getting me to sleep with some random guy.” Tyler rolled his eyes and then locked eyes with her, “At this point, I’d rather just marry you. I’ll let you have girlfriends and I could make money for you. And down the line we’d have kids and raise them like best friends.” 

“Tyler… just give love a chance? You can’t live with his ghost forever. If he’s ignored you this long, I think you’re better off without him. Why go back to someone who didn’t give you the light of day? I remember Debby said she’s big in the gay scene and she could find you someone.” She shrugged. 

“You talked about me to Debby? Like, you outed me?” Tyler frowned widely. 

“Accidentally. I had to tell her in order to tell her I’m gay.” Jenna’s face fell completely. 

“You have to be careful about that…” Tyler couldn’t look her in the eyes, “if I’m outed, my career is over.” 

“I don’t-“ 

“Jenna. I didn’t even tell Mark about you because I didn’t want to out you. And you tell a stranger?” 

“I’m really sorry. I was drunk. I didn’t mean to. I just thought she was hot and I had to tell her that we were each other’s beards. And then I told her you were getting over an ex so you’d been sad lately. That’s it. She probably doesn’t care. No one would believe her anyway.” Jenna bit her lip and he could tell she was trying not to cry. 

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to get upset. I’ve just been on edge.” Tyler sighed and let his arms fall to his side. Jenna was still on his lap. He wanted to push her off but he didn’t want to upset her. 

“No. No. You do not have to be sorry at all.” Jenna got off of him, “I really need to go.” 

“Please? Can't you just stay tonight?” Tyler didn’t want to beg. 

“I can’t. I told you.” Jenna stood up. 

Tyler felt a drop in his stomach. 

Not from Jenna. Something else. 

It was a natural body reaction. He was upset, sure, but it wasn’t the same. He already knew she had to go home. All the color left his body and he couldn’t do anything but look straight ahead. 

Tyler started to shake as if he was stuck in a freezer.

“Tyler?” She asked. 

He didn’t respond. Last time he felt like this was over a week ago. He was fine for a few days but now that burning sensation was back and it was so much worse. Tyler’s head vibrated and he could feel it all the way down to his finger tips. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Jenna then crouched down and tried to match his eye level. 

“I-“ he couldn’t get a word out. He was stuck. He could see her, but he couldn’t understand her features. 

“Are you having a panic attack?” Jenna asked, “I read an article about this. I think I’m supposed to ask you if you need anything from me. I don’t know how to calm you down. Do you need me to lay on top of you again? I could do that. And then I can…I’m sorry. What do you need from me?” 

Tyler started to tear up, “Stay?” 

“I’ll try my best.” She said softly and took his head. It took a few moments of her lightly trailing her finger across his hand for him to calm down enough. 

But even then. His heart was still leaping. He felt like he could pass out at any minute. Last time he felt like this was when Zack got his “new girlfriend.” Tyler clocked it to nerves, but he also wondered if it was something else. 

Tyler didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to get his hopes up. It was nothing. It was probably just his natural anxiety. He had panic attacks before. He had ones worse than this. 

But they didn’t quite hit the same as this one. 

“I need to stand up.” Tyler said with a shaky voice, “maybe go to bed.”

Tyler wondered again if his intuitions were right. 

If Josh was somehow back, Tyler wasn’t sure being around Jenna would be best for him. 

Logically, she’d be great to hold him back. She’d ground him and remind him how much progress he made on his own and how strong he needed to be. 

However… without her here….

“I think bed is good for you.” 

“Yeah. And maybe… I don’t know. Maybe you should go home. I think being alone would be best so I can figure out how to navigate my head.” Tyler was an idiot. He risked the danger of being alone in his own thoughts over a hunch. 

”Do you feel safe?” Jenna helped him up and put her hand on his chest once he was standing. 

“I think so. Safe from myself, if that’s what you’re saying.” Tyler looked at her even though she was blurry. 

“Good. Okay. Good.” She helped him to his room, “I’ll get you a glass of water so you have it if you need it.” She pulled back his covers and watched him get into bed. 

“Thanks.” Tyler turned to his side. 

Jenna left the glass on the side table, “are you sure? I can probably call out of work tomorrow.” 

“No. I need to be alone.” Tyler closed his eyes in hopes it would calm him down. It didn’t. 

Jenna sat on the edge of the bed, “you worry me sometimes.” 

“I know I do.”

“I just want to make sure you’re okay. Even if I have to beat it out of you.” Jenna teased and hit his foot that was covered by blankets. 

“Yeah, yeah. I know.” Tyler smiled, “can you lock your door on your way out?” 

“Of course I will.” Jenna squeezed Tyler’s ankle, “promise me something?” 

“Yeah.”

“Don’t think about him too much.” Jenna’s voice was quiet, “he’s hurting your mind. I love you. I just want you to be happy, Ty.” 

“I can’t.” Tyler opened his eyes to look at her, “but I’ll try. For you.” 

“I love you.” She got up. She went over to kiss him on the forehead before she left.  

He wrapped the blankets in front of him as if he was cuddling a person. It was nice to have the warmth of someone being there when he was alone. 

Maybe he would sleep. Maybe he would stare out the window all night. There was always the hope that if he looked out there, Josh would be staring back up at him. 

What would his life be like if he never looked out the window that night? 

Would Josh have ever sought him out? 

Tyler had so many questions to ask and he wasn’t sure he’d ever actually talk to Josh again to find out. 

Tyler closed his eyes again. 

—

Tyler couldn’t calm himself down all night. He felt so manic. There was nothing he could do to calm himself down. Jenna was gone - she left a few hours ago at that point. 

Tyler slept for maybe an hour. Then he got out of bed, completely drenched in sweat, and sat in his living room. He turned something easy on the TV and stared down at an empty page of the notebook Josh got him. 

It was mostly filled by now, but there were still empty pages. 

It was two in the morning. 

Tyler felt another rush of adrenaline and anxiety. 

There was a knock at the door. 

There was no way that someone knocking on the door at this time was good. He would probably get killed. But there was something in the back of his throat telling him to open the door. 

He was in a crazy enough mood that he’d fight if he had to. Tyler’s entire body was shaking as he opened the door. 

A figure stood before him. He was around his height, with a neon red mullet, shaved sides, and a bit of a beard. He wore a long sleeve black shirt and black pants. He had gauges, and a single nose ring. He even sported a lip ring, this time with a single ball in the middle. 

Everything else was the same. 

His nose, his eyes, and just everything else about his face was the same. Even that way he would pout when he wasn’t smiling that worried Tyler. 

It was someone he used to love, but now despised. He hadn’t seen that face in the flesh in over a year and it was as if he was seeing it for the first time. 

Josh. 

Something in Tyler broke. He wasn’t sure which part of him, whether it was his brain or his heart

He never wanted to see him again. 

But there he was. 

Tyler frowned as much as he could with tight furrowed brows. He needed Josh to see the contempt on his face. 

He gripped Josh by the collar of his shirt and yanked him into the apartment. He kicked the door behind him with his foot and heard it slam . 

Josh didn’t say a word. 

Neither did Tyler. 

Josh looked dumbfounded as if he had no clue what to say. He always loved to stay silent when he had things he definitely should be saying. Tyler waited two seconds to see if Josh would do anything. 

Nothing. 

Tyler let out a loud sigh before pushing Josh roughly against the door. He smashed their lips together without any more hesitation. 

Tyler was pissed off at him. He could yell at him again later. But seeing Josh like this after all that time flipped a switch. If Josh was going to abandon him for a year, he better fuck Tyler like it. 

Josh kissed back and grabbed Tyler’s face. Their tongues were immediately down each other’s throats as if they would die if they weren’t. Tyler couldn’t even breathe through his nose. He didn’t need to breathe anyway, because his lungs were made for Josh. 

Tyler moaned into the kiss. His mouth stayed stagnantly open as their tongues slid against one another. 

Josh took charge from him. He pushed forward and made Tyler walk backwards towards his couch. Tyler didn’t even want to take their shirts off because it would mean disconnecting their lips. 

The back of Tyler’s knees hit the couch. Josh pushed him down roughly and stood over him. 

Tyler looked up with teary eyes. He blinked up twice as Josh. Everything about this new version of Josh was making Tyler’s head spin. He was so angry but he needed Josh to fuck that anger out of him. He hadn't had good sex in over a year.

“Pants off.” Tyler breathed, “shove your cock down my throat.”

Josh only nodded and undid his pants. He was frantic with his movements, as if waiting another second could kill him. 

Tyler’s mouth was watering as he watched him. Tyler could forget everything, just for this moment. He bit his lip once Josh’s cock was free. 

His own dick was strained against his pants, but that could wait. 

Josh’s dick was bigger. 

Not by much, but enough that Tyler definitely noticed. It was at the very least thicker. Tyler almost panicked when he saw it, because he didn’t expect that to be so different. 

“Open your mouth.” Josh’s voice was stern. 

Tyler could choke out a cry just by hearing his voice again. That voice that only existed in the memories of interviews and personal videos. The soft voice that would wake Tyler up in the morning with tender kisses and light touches. 

But that voice that would whisper filthy things and order Tyler around was the one he was hearing now. Tyler obliged immediately. He looked up and matched Josh’s eyes as he parted his lips. 

Josh leaned his hand down and shoved his thumb into Tyler’s mouth, “Wider. I’m bigger now, you’ll need to do better than just parting your pretty lips.” 

“Don’t call my lips pretty.” Tyler bit Josh’s thumb, “don’t even say anything nice to me. Just shop talking and fuck my mouth.” 

Josh shoved his thumb in deeper and pried Tyler’s mouth open, “Shut up.” 

Tyler moaned against Josh’s thumb. Josh pulled it out and replaced it with something much bigger. He gave Tyler no warning as he grabbed his head and pushed it in as far as he could. Tyler whined against him but tried to keep his mouth as slack as possible. 

“Fuck.” Josh let out as he pushed his dick in further, “Are you really such a whore that you couldn’t even wait for me to say anything?” 

Tyler hummed against his cock as a response. He knew Josh didn’t mean that. This was how they talked to each other when they wanted to be rough. They both had choice words to say to each other. Tyler would rather deal with it this way. 

Tyler kept his head still so Josh could be the one in charge. If he was going to abandon Tyler for a year, he was going to be the one to do all the work. 

Josh waited to hear Tyler gag before he pulled himself out completely. He slapped his spit-soaked cock on Tyler’s cheek. 

“Long time no see.” Josh’s face was almost a snarl. Tyler frowned but closed his eyes so he didn’t have to keep looking up at him. He didn’t want to cry. 

“Yeah. Whatever. I don’t care.” Tyler finally grabbed the waistband of his pants and pushed them down. He immediately wrapped a hand around himself. 

“ Sure you don’t.” He slapped his face with his dick again a few times, “you missed me.” 

“No.” Tyler opened his mouth wide again. 

Tyler missed being talked to like this. But he was sick of talking. He didn’t want to suddenly get emotional and start crying about how much he missed him. Or get too angry and start yelling at him again. 

The smacks on Tyler’s face, although light so they didn’t actually hurt, felt like payback for when he hit Josh the other day. He opened his eyes and looked up at him. Tyler had to immediately close them again because he would get overwhelmed.

Josh was so beautiful again, with his bright red hair and his thick cock. 

Josh pushed his dick back into Tyler’s open mouth. He let out a sigh at the feeling. 

“Missed you.” Josh moaned. 

Sure he did. That’s why he waited so long to show his face.  

Tyler let himself space out for a few minutes while Josh destroyed his face. Josh thrusted ruthlessly, but even then, he was still gentle enough to make sure Tyler didn’t actually get hurt. He didn’t push back too far as to make Tyler actually throw up or anything. But he moaned when Tyler would gag and whenever he lost his breath. 

Josh pushed himself in as deeply as he could. He held his cock there. Tyler gagged twice and looked up once more. Tears were streaming down his face. He couldn’t take much more. It hurt, but Tyler didn’t care. He just missed Josh so much that he wanted every part of him. 

“You’re beautiful. Missed your mouth. Missed seeing those eyes looking up at me.” He pet Tyler’s head. Unfortunately, he didn’t have much hair so Josh couldn’t pull on it. He held Tyler’s head with two hands to keep it in place. 

Tyler gagged once again and slapped Josh’s leg to let him know it was enough. Josh pulled his hips back. Tyler immediately coughed and took a deep breath. 

“It’s not as easy now that your dick is fucking massive for some reason.” Tyler wiped his mouth. 

“You like it?” Josh pulled his shirt off. 

The tattoos? Josh had a full sleeve now on one of his arms. He was more muscular now as well, as if he had been working out. Tyler wasn’t sure what the rules were with Josh’s body. 

He had assumed after Josh left that Angel took hosts. But seeing this version of him that was just slightly different from the Josh he knew, told Tyler that they could pick how they looked. 

That was a question for later. 

“I’ll let you know once you fuck me. If I don’t like it, you’re going back to Heaven. Or wherever you go when you abandon me.” Tyler slid his own shirt off too so they were both completely naked. 

“Lay down, then. If you’re so pressed to know how it feels.” Josh pushed on Tyler’s chest. 

“No. You are not fucking me on the couch. We are fucking on my bed.” Tyler shook his head. 

“Always so bossy and so picky as if you’re the one in charge right now.” Suddenly, they had transported into Tyler’s bedroom. Tyler shivered. He hadn’t felt that in over a year and it was still just as awful as it was before. 

“I hate when you do that. It’s literally ten feet from my couch. We could have walked.” Tyler huffed. 

“I need you to stop talking, Tyler.” Josh pushed hard on his chest so he would fall back on to the bed. Tyler scooted back so he was against the headboard. 

Tyler kept his mouth shut and watched Josh crawl onto the bed. Tyler felt nervous as Josh spread his legs. He got between them and immediately rolled his hips down. The feeling of Josh’s cock sliding against his sent electric currents through his body. 

Josh was still sitting up. His mouth was slightly agape as he wrapped a hand around both of them. It barely fit around Josh’s new dick. Tyler could just imagine the face he’d make as he entered Tyler. 

He whined and bucked his hips against Josh’s hand. 

Being without sex for six months really weighed on him. Tyler was desperate now. He needed to feel Josh inside of him again. Tyler didn’t need love - he needed Josh to just fuck him until he could forget every problem he ever had. 

“Need to fuck you.” Josh panted, “no other hole has ever compared to you.” 

Tyler hated that Josh had to say that. As if Tyler didn’t know already that Josh also couldn’t find someone who satisfied the same hunger that Tyler did. He was sure Josh had to have fucked other people during his year away. But he didn’t want to hear about it. 

“Yeah? And no dick has been you either.” Tyler bit his lip. 

“Hm.” Josh held up his fingers to Tyler’s mouth, “how long since?” He asked.  

“Six months.” Tyler said before he took Josh’s fingers. He sucked on them and swirled his tongue around each of them to make sure they were extra wet. 

“I’m surprised a slut like you has gone that long.” Josh snickered to himself and pulled his fingers out. He backed up enough so he was laying on his stomach. 

Josh immediately spread Tyler’s legs more so he could get a good look at his hole. Tyler was thankful his adrenaline was taking over. Josh had been this close to him a million times, but it had been a while.

He spit on Tyler’s hole before he pressed one on the fingers in. Tyler gasped and leaned his head back to close his eyes. 

“Josh…” Tyler breathed. Josh wasted no time and started to pump his finger. 

To Tyler’s surprise, Josh wrapped his lips around Tyler’s cock as he fingered him. 

“Oh fuck. Yeah. Just like that. Please, Josh.” Tyler whined. He picked his head up as much as he could so he could watch. Josh bobbed his head and pumped his fingers at the same pace. 

Tyler just knew he was embarrassing himself with the noises he was making. It had been too long and Tyler just turned into such a needy slut when Josh was involved. 

The last few times they had sex were loving and caring. They made Tyler feel appreciated. They were reminders that Josh loved him. They made love. 

This? 

This was the opposite of that. This was sex.

Josh was nasty as he pumped his fingers at a rapid pace and took in all of Tyler’s dick in his mouth that he could. Josh’s tongue pressed against his shaft as he sucked. He must have gotten continuous practice, because Tyler swore he never gave head this amazing before. 

Josh pushed a third one in. They were only using spit at the moment, but Tyler didn’t really care. Josh’s thick fingers inside him were making him practically squirm under Josh. That, mixed with his mouth, was sending Tyler over the edge. 

“Please. Just fuck me, please. I’m so close. Wanna cum on your cock.” Tyler whined and started bucking his hips up and down. 

Josh pulled up from Tyler’s cock and licked his lips, “yeah?”

“Yes.” 

“Wanna hear you beg for it.” Josh’s fingers didn’t stop. He found that spot that made Tyler cum early almost every time. He would kill Josh if this meant he came early. 

Tyler gasped and let out another loud whine, “Josh, please.” 

He wasn’t against begging, even if he was frustrated with Josh. For the moment, he’d like to forget that Josh abandoned him for a year.