Chapter Text
"Wake up, Matt" Dom says. He's sitting on the bed next to me. Louis isn't in here anymore. "He and Haz have gone for a walk. Sorry to wake you. I just...missed you?" He says like it's a question. I smile sweetly and sleepily. I missed him, too. I stretch, enjoying that my thoughts are my own for the moment.
"I missed you. Lots. I'm happy to see you. How was it with Haz last night?" I ask as he curls up on my chest. He's so warm. I love that he's letting himself get more comfortable with me. The more he lets his guard down the more I can feel him. He's trying to let me feel. It's strong. He loves me. He wants me to know. The shyness surrounding it is endearing.
"We uh...we hear each other. The way you two do. Lou told us about you two. Thought it'd be easier to wake up to someone we can't hear yet..." I feel a ping of jealousy that he has it with Harry now, too. It's short lived. I also feel relieved that they have it. It means Dom definitely isn't going anywhere. "Was nice...to hear even more of your thoughts about me. I'm actually fighting to keep my wall up just a little, instead of tear it down. I know it's coming. Afraid of how complicated it's all about to get" he says softly, quietly.
"Yeah, have a feeling today is gonna be a little rough. Lou is terrified. I am a little, too, if I'm honest..." some of Louis' thoughts about Dom and Harry whiz through my mind. I don't know what's going to happen. Dom feels nervous all of the sudden. I can feel it. He feels guilty, too. Hmm.
"I uh...I'm a little terrified, too. Not easy to admit, because it turns out it was all in my head, and none of my thoughts, of what you thought about any of us, are remotely true. I'm embarrassed of them. Haz told me you'll understand, but I..." His voice cracks. "I don't...want to...I don't want to hurt you. You've literally only hurt me the once, and it really wasn't that bad. You've spent every spare moment putting everything you have into making it up to me..." he cries. "You're so...genuine. Everything you say and do. Even your mean thoughts about Harry were pretty mild. Nothing shocking. Always thought there was something big you were hiding. Now I know theres not..." he tells me.
"Dom, I don't....I don't want you to worry about me, okay? I can take it. I promise. We did not have an easy start, you and I. I know you forgive me. I felt it in the bathroom that day. What I did wasn't nice at all. I didn't think about if it would hurt you. I was being so selfish. Behaved like a total asshole. It's not going to surprise me if you thought I was one" I try to assure. He doesn't look like he feels any better. He actually feels worse. Uh oh.
"I...don't know what to say, Matt. I...I mean, you'll see. It's like there were...two people inside me in London. I was SO surprised to see you. I mean, you left the country at the end of your break, to come get me back. It was...unbelievable. I was so happy. So smitten. The part of me that....fucking loathes myself...wouldn't let me believe it was really for me...from what I saw, it was Lou's idea, but you basically had the same one at the same time. Dunno why it's so hard to understand that we all feel the same, but...it sure is..." he says weakly.
"Just please don't take any of the negative stuff to heart, okay? I'm a fucking cunt. Insecure little brat. It's not how I really feel about you. They're all how I really feel about me at the end of the day. Just...want you to keep that in mind..." he says timidly. I kiss his forehead. "Please don't feel obligated to say yes to this, but...I know you heard Lou's about me. I'm gonna hear them soon, one way or another. Don't really want to put you in this position, but...would you try to...show me some? So I can brace myself?" He asks.
"Yes" I hear myself say immediately. I wish I hadn't. I pause to think of anything I could possibly say or do to take the sting out. I get an idea. I look into his eyes and focus hard. I let him feel Louis' love and anxiety last night. 'I...he's going to be absolutely devastated. I can't let him in now. I can't let him hear any of that. Those were just a few off the top, as well. I...was frustrated for quite some time. I should have...handled it a million times better. I just...let myself stew in my negative, mean thoughts...he'll hate me. Then you'll both hate me for hurting him. For driving him away'
"Did you hear that?" I ask. He nods. He tells me to give him some with his eyes. 'Stop fucking texting my men, wanker' 'there's nothing to say. I'm not going' 'of course he's wearing a hoodie in 85 degree sunshine' 'what does he expect us to do?' 'It's sad, but...it's already done' 'let me find out he and Matt fucking kissed in that bathroom' 'he came back for Matt, not me' 'he's not really changed. He's putting on a good show' 'I do want him back. Matt and Haz just feel sorry for him about Derek' 'he can't come back, there's not room' 'of course he makes my husband fall for him in seconds, now that he's trying' 'They can get on then. Who needs them. I've got all I want in my arms'
"Um...oh." He says. "'S not so bad. Was prepared for worse. In a way, anyway" he tells me. I ask him what he means with my eyes. "Just...worse about me, I guess. But hadn't prepared myself for stuff like the last one...not that I didn't know it then. Different to hear in his words. Sucks. I'm sure there's worse coming. But thanks for...how you did it. Was sweet. To show me how he felt about them, first. Helped for sure. I love you, Matt. Last thing in the whole world I want is for you to be hurt for even a second..." he tells me genuinely.
"I'm sure I'll live. I'm sure you heard some of Harry's about me. Was terrible. Still hurts. But, I know deep down he didn't mean it. Because I know I never really meant mine. Lean into the nice things Lou is going to show you, okay? Those are the ones he means. The other stuff is just as Haz said. It's all what we've all been fucking out, all this time. I'll remind myself of that, when I hear, okay?" I assure. "Should we go trade? Get it over with?" I ask. He thinks for a second, then nods. He hugs me tight in his arms. I really do love him.
❧
When we get downstairs, we don't see them. I can feel Harry when I focus. I realize I havent been feeling him this entire time. It's only when I try to, that I feel his absolute fucking wrath. Jealousy, anger, betrayal. Oh no. Lou. Dom gasps. He feels him too. They're outside by the pool. I can hear them yelling. Fuck.
When we get out there, it's worse than I thought. They're literally toe-to-toe, ready to square up. 'Does Matt like him better than me now?' 'I want Matt the most' 'I'm so fucking in love with him. I'm obsessed' 'god, he smells so GOOD! I could lick this hole forever' 'Matt, Matt, Matt'. 'Never been like this....not even with Ha-...' Louis' thoughts are playing on repeat in his head. Harry glares at me the second that he hears that I heard them. Uh oh.
"Here he comes, darling. Shall I book you two a first class flight to Cape Town? Have yourselves another little do-over? Was gonna show him either way, right?!" Harry spits. 'Oh this arrogant, husband-stealing, two faced little faggot! I'm gonna kill him!' Harry screams in his head. I'm riddled with anxiety. Dom is hearing all of it through Harry. Lou is hearing it through me. I'm frozen. This is bad.
"Oh for fucks sake! I know! I know how bad it sounds, okay?! You think it was easy hearing the two of you last night?! HUH?! He absolutely fucking adores you. He's completely mad for the three of us! You can't blame him for my thoughts, Haz! It isn't fair. It's going to tear this all apart. You love him! I felt how much. Maybe even more than you love me, no?" Louis bites back, thinking of my memory of Harry fighting off those very words.
Harry's cold, mean stare is of no comfort at all when I dare to look at him again. He looks disgusted with me. I can't move or speak. I'm torn. I love them both equally. I don't know who to try to comfort. Who ever I choose, it will hurt the other. Dom and I stand here and watch in silence. As they share my thoughts and each other's between them. They start pushing and shoving each other. When they get to mine, of Lou's first time eating me out, Harry punches him in the face. Hard. I fly back, where I stand. "OW! Fuck!" I yelp.
"Hey! Haz! The fuck are you doing!? Calm down!" Dom interjects mercifully. He moves to get between them. I can't move, I'm still frozen. Louis and I are clutching our faces in the same spot. 'Ha! Two birds, one stone.' Harry thinks smugly, and instantly regrets it, when he sees the hurt look in my eyes.
"Think this one might be a bit more complicated, love" Harry spits out loud. 'My Louis' he plays my voice over in his head. Again and again. He pushes past me to get into the house. Suddenly, I can't hear OR feel him anymore. I don't know what that means. I'm focusing hard and nothing. Oh no. He's...shutting me out. He doesn't...trust me anymore. My heart breaks in half. Louis gasps and grabs his chest. White, hot rage pierces my soul. Bordering on hate. It's strong. Is it towards me? I look at Louis helplessly. Both of them?
"No! Not to you! You didn't do anything wrong at all, babe. Don't let that twat get to you. I didn't freak out over your fucking memories, bad as they hurt. Why does he have to act like this?! He can feel how much we BOTH love him. It's never enough!" Louis yells out, exasperated. I hate to say it, but I agree with him on that.
"I'll go. It'll...it'll be fine" Dom says, nervously. He and Dom look at each other. Louis is terrified of what I showed him. "He did it gently, like he does everything. I'll get over it. I love you. We'll piece this back together, yeah?" Dom tells Louis sweetly. Relief washes over Louis like a tidal wave. His heart swells with love and adoration for Dom.
'He doesn't hate me? Not gonna punch me, too at least' 'he's so fucking kind' 'so understanding' 'dunno how Matt could have done it gently, but I'm so grateful' Louis' rapid thoughts swarm my mind.
"Thank you! Oh, thank you, baby. I...I'm so sorry. For any of them that hurt, okay?! I'm the worlds biggest asshole. I don't mean any of them. I'm so in love with you, Dom. I hope...I hope you'll be able to fully see it. When this is all over, at least" Louis says. He looks as distraught as he feels. Harry can absolutely be a little bitch, but I've never seen him like that. My face hurts, bad, too. Louis' eye is swelling up.
"I'll give you two a moment. Get you some ice, babe" I tell Louis. He thanks me in his mind. Dom thanks me with his eyes. "Could you hear each other?" I ask.
"Not initially. We were showing each other cute things. Happy things. From the past. Then it was like a switch flipped. We felt reconnected, like you said. That sure lasted fucking long" he tells me. Oh boy. I nod and go into the house.
❧
I don't hear or see Harry anywhere. I go into the kitchen and get some frozen peas. When I walk back out through the living room, I feel a flash of absolute rage again. Then guilt. Then relief. Then it's gone. Hm. I look up, and Harry is watching me from the top of the stairs.
He's glaring at me. His nostrils flare when our eyes meet. He's so angry. Honestly, I'm fucking heated, too. He knew this wasn't gonna be easy. I get it, too. I get how hard that must have been on the BOTH of them. Only one of them has to have a temper tantrum every time each of us has a feeling for someone else. I roll my eyes at him.
"Fuck you, Harry. This is bullshit and you know it. How could you be so cruel? To him? To me? Now you're shutting me out, for what?" I spit. His expression doesn't budge. Tears are forming in his eyes, though. I still can't feel or hear him. My heart sinks. He's never been this upset with either of us. I brace myself for the answer to what I have to ask.
"It's...uh..." my voice cracks a little. "It's happening, isn't it? You...you want me to go" I say. It's not a question. He doesn't say anything. He looks down and nods once. Tears fall when his eyes move. The wind is completely knocked out of me. He looks at me again and there's regret all over his face. Too late.
My heart breaks again, like before, only I'm pretty sure irreparably. I've actually never felt anything quite like this pain. I feel anxiety from Dom and Louis outside. Is it Harry's? That I'm feeling through them? I don't think so. I think it's both of theirs.
"No, wait. I...I don't. I...I'm gonna be sick" He says abruptly. "Don't go. I can't...I can't" He says weakly, he turns and runs into the bedroom. I feel like a piece of me is gone forever. Like I was nearly finally complete last night, and now I'm never going to be close to it again. I don't know where to go. I don't know what to do. I...feel myself shutting down. He's leaving me. He's leaving me. I'm not good enough. I'll never be Lou. Now I'm not worth the friction I'm causing. I just start walking. I don't know where I'm going. My feet take me out the front door.
The driveway is about a mile long. I don't want to call a driver. Harry will find out where I'm going immediately, if I could even think of a destination. This is...this is my home. My home he invited me to live in. With him and Lou. My stuff is here. Everything I care about is in there. Louis. My Louis. My Dom. My...Harry. I walk down the driveway in agony, grateful I still have my phone. Maybe someone driving along would stop to give Matt Rife a ride to LA.
Anxiety, protectiveness, fear, heartbreak, wrath, passion, lust, sorrow, all consume me from behind.
'GO GET HIM! HOW COULD YOU?! HE'S THE ONLY ONE OF US WITH BARELY A NEGATIVE THING TO SAY ABOUT ANY OF US!!!' I hear Louis scream in his recent memory.
'I can't...fucking convey how sorry I am. He'll never trust me again. Please go get him. Please show him this. Tell him this is his home. That he belongs right here. I'm...the absolute worst. I keep hurting all of you. Tell him I'll go. It should be me. This is all me. I know. I'm so sorry' Harry does look totally distraught, but I can't think about his feelings right now. The emotions continue to flood over me in waves. Funny how none of them are Harry's directly. They're all coming from Louis.
'No! No I'm not going to tell him that! He'll especially never come back if he thinks you'll go. If he thinks he's tearing us apart! You're such an asshole. I can't fucking stand you anymore, Harry! I warned you! I warned you things got intense between him and I last night!' Harry, from outside by the pool plays through Louis, from Harry's point of view.
'I know. Us, too. It'll be okay. Trust me' Harry says. HA!
"Matt! Wait!" I can't turn around. I just keep walking. Louis is running up behind me. I can see myself from behind.
'Louis is right, Haz. I know you have jealousy issues, but we all fucking do! Least of all him! He...we've all seen it. We've all felt how much he loves the three of us equally. Unconditionally. At least you better fucking hope so, cause if I were gonna have any one condition, it'd be that one! He lives here! You know that's what he's most afraid of. You know he's been left! How..." Dom rants in Louis' memory.
Somehow, that's enough to at least make me pause. Dom stood up for me. To Harry. He did it as kindly as he could with the rage at how badly I'm hurt, fueling him.
'I KNOW!! I KNOW! I'M A PEICE OF SHIT! I'M AWFUL!' Harry yells 'I don't want to be here anymore. Not if I'm going to keep hurting you three. Especially him. I...love him so much. I love all three of you with all of my heart. I can't stand myself, either, Boo. That's fair. I'm so sorry. All of you. It's always me' Harry is sobbing. Tough shit. I can't even feel it. Still doesn't trust me.
"Wait!" Louis yells at the thought. 'I can't...I can't feel him anymore!' Harry whines to Louis. 'I shut him out before. I didn't realize it. When I did, I freaked out. I tried to focus to get him back. He was right there. Could feel him immediately' I see myself from Harry's point of view. The devastation in my eyes when he nods. 'I shut him right back out when I realized he was still there. Now he's....shut me out. He...doesn't trust me anymore. Oh, God. I fucked up so bad!' Harry wails in Louis' mind. Nope. I don't.
'Dunno what the fuck else you expected. How much abuse can one person take, Haz?! You take it out on him the worst, too. He's the sweetest, most loyal person in this house, and you just shat all over him. Nevermind punching me in the face. That'll heal, not that he didn't get every bit of that, too! Feel. You need to feel this' I feel my heart get ripped to shreds all over again. Harry is in agony over it. Good.
'Alright, Lou. I know you're sticking up for Matt. God knows he needs it...' Dom says in Lou's brain. 'Take it easy, this is all very intense right now, but it's salvageable. I know you're hurt and angry, but you're going to start saying things you regret. Go. Go get him. Don't let him go, no matter what it takes. I don't care if you have to sit on him til we can bring a golf cart around, do it! Go get him!" Dom yells. Harry is nodding and begging Louis with his eyes, and the memory disappears.
"He's a short-tempered little jealous bitch and he knows it, Matt. He doesn't want you to go. Not at all. You saw. You felt. I know that hurt. I know that was the worst possible thing...I know this one is not an easy fix that can be fucked out..." Louis says hastily. "Please stop walking and look at me, baby! I'm...I'm your Louis. Like you said. I love that. If you leave because of him, it'll kill me. And Dom. He stood up for you like crazy in there to the person he's most afraid of pissing off." He tells me. He gets in front of me to stop me from walking. I let him.
"Nevermind how Haz feels about it. You saw and felt for yourself, but if you can't trust or accept that right now, then listen to this" Louis says desperately. "I love you. Dom loves you. You belong more than any of us. You have always had the most selfless, purest intentions. This connection thing proved it to all of us. If I'm not mistaken, that set his jealousy off worse than anything we said last night. He can't handle how GOOD you are. He thinks you're a better person than him and he can't take it. That's not on you at all" Louis says.
'MATT!! He's right Matt! All of it. I'm...absolutely disgusted with myself. I know I can't just snap my fingers and fix this one. Please come back. Please let me back in. Let me prove it to you directly! Please! You don't owe me anything. Certainly not ANOTHER chance to hurt you like this again. But...he's your Louis. He is. He's your Dom. I desperately want to be your Harry. I want you to be my Matt. Come back. We can work it out. At least, the three of you can! Come back Matt, this is your home. I'm so sorry!'
I heard all of that through Louis, but I don't understand how. I turn around and Harry and Dom are about a football field away, standing outside the front door. Not walking towards us, just getting away from the walls. I don't know what to do. I'm so frustrated. I'm so hurt. I love Harry so much. How could he do this to me again? Knowing what it would do? I can't even look at him. I can't go back in there with him. I can't.
'I'll leave! I'll leave! I'll go for a drive. I wont come back until you say I can. I'll get a fucking hotel if I need to. If you need more time. Whatever you need from me. Whatever it is you want. Whoever. Come back and beat the shit out of me. I don't care. I don't care about me. I only care about you and them!'
"FUCK YOU, HARRY! I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT!" I scream up the long driveway, I'm not in control of myself. "GO! GO! Go for a drive! Go to a hotel! Go on fucking tour for 6 months I dont give a fuck! I'm done being your punching bag!" I scream. I go to start stalking up the driveway, but Louis wraps his arms around me when my voice breaks. I let him. I start sobbing uncontrollably. Louis has me. I'm safe.
'Yes, you are. I've got you' he says in his head. Pain rips through Harry. Jealousy, yes. But more regret. Wait...no. Loss. Grief. I can't bear looking at him.
"OH WHAT'S WRONG?! HMMM? DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?! WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS TO ME?! I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I FUCKING HAVE YOU COCKSUCKER!! I'm not good enough for you! Why don't you just come down here and say it to my face?! Stop taking it out on Lou, asshole! He didn't do anything wrong either, you miserable bitch!" I scream and shout dramatically, then fall to the ground where I am. I'm so dizzy. I'm so tired, and now out of breath from screaming.
"What do you need, baby? I know you're hurt. I want to...help. I want to...take care of you..." Louis says. He's rubbing my back. I smell his neck. Heaven.
"I have no clue. Don't leave my fucking side, Lou. Don't leave me, please. I...just can't be near him. I don't care where we go. Just get...I don't want him to feel me or hear me right now" I whine. Suddenly, inside Louis' head is a lot quieter. I hear Harry sob, but with my ears, up the driveway. Louis shut him out. I feel like I can breathe.
Dom comes walking down the driveway. Harry went back in the house, thank god. I feel better already, knowing he cant hear or feel me through Louis. He'll be able to see this through Dom, but that's fine. Louis is making me feel better, Dom, too. Just knowing he stood up for me. Never thought we'd end up here. Not like this. Not me and Harry.
"Gonna go for a drive with him. He's packing a bag in case you don't want him to come back tonight..." Dom says. Relief washes over me. "I know it's the last thing in the world you wanna hear, Matt. But he is sorry. To both of you. I know there's only so much of this you can take. Look at me, baby" I don't want to. "I don't care, look at me" I gasp. He heard that? "Yes. I've heard you since Lou showed you what I said to Haz" I look at Dom. I look into his big, beautiful, intense eyes.
'He's...so wonderful. So sweet. He's the kindest person any of us know. I've betrayed him. I've...destroyed him. In one moment of jealousy, I've ruined everything. I...god I hit Lou. Outside of sex. I'm a monster. I don't...recognize myself. I know he'll lose his shit if I go, he'll really go then. Thinking he's coming between Lou and I. He's not. He never once has. He's only brought Lou and I closer. You and I closer. You and Lou closer. That was all he...fucking cared about last night. I knew it, too. When I lost my shit' Harry told Dom moments ago.
'I just...lost the both of them. Forever. Even if they can find it in their hearts to forgive me, it'll never be the same. I'm...so fucking sad. I have nothing and no one to blame but myself. I'm always so terrified one or both of them will reject me. That they'll run off together. Now I've forced them to. So they can protect each other from me. Maybe I should...go stay in New York for a week or two. Give them some space. I could do that. Might be good for the three of you'. The memory ends abruptly. "He wants to know if that would help" Dom says. I feel...a lot calmer. Better. Dom is doing it. I don't want him to. I need to feel this in the moment so it doesn't come back more intensely when Dom isn't here.
"No. I want him out of my fucking sight. For...I don't know how long. But I'm not going to ask him to go. Because I'm not the two-faced, husband-stealing faggot he thinks I am. I mean what I say. Even though he doesn't, I do. No matter how mad or jealous I get. I'm a man of my word. Thank you, Dom. I love you. I just want him gone for a bit. Ill text you, yeah?" I say. He nods. "Wait. Give him this for me. 'I genuinely can't believe you said that'. I think in the same tone I used to hurt Louis. I shut Dom out.
"Sorry, babe. Nothing personal. Not you I don't trust. You can go ahead and give him that one, too" I say bitterly. I need to calm down. I don't want to dig my own grave with either of them by being cruel.
"Haz, I love you unconditionally you fucking asshole. I'm so hurt. But I'll get over it. Dunno if I'll ever feel completely safe again, but...I don't...like when people I love leave angry or upset. I love you. Both. Go" I say, knowing he'll see it through Dom. Dom nods again. He gives me a kiss on the cheek and walks back up the driveway. I collapse back into Louis. He holds me tight.
'Shh. I've got you. You know. You know deep down, it'll be alright. That he didn't mean it. That he's just having one of his moments. No excuse to treat the people you love like shit. The last thing I want to do is defend him right now, either. But...in a few hours this will be clearer. Let's start walking up, okay? We'll go round the back until they're gone' he tells me in his head. I nod and I let him pull me up the driveway with my hand in his. I feel safe with him. My Louis.
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