Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

As SG-1 beams down from the Daedalus Sergeant Martin Coughlin secures his P-90 in a tighter grip and resumes his watch duty at the Gate. On his side Reed seems a bit more interested. It’s SG-1 after all and most of the ‘real’ Marines have some sort of hard on for them. At least the newer ones. For old hats on Atlantis like the Lieutenant and him it's not that amazing to have them here.  

And why would it, he can’t help but thinking as they march up to the stairs and are welcomed by Woolsey.  

Sure, the SGC had had their very own threats, but having people pray to false gods somewhat loses its scariness when one had to look at mummified corpses of children, before being chased by white haired Marylin Mansons with life sucking hands. He would think that people should have at least the same kind of awe for AR-1 that they bring on the table for the fabled SG-1. But maybe that's just him. 

“They don’t look happy.”  
Glancing over to Reed, he sees the slight frown in his Lieutenants face and follows his line of sight. They probably being Sheppard, McKay and Lorne. And it’s true enough. Sure, there is the usual ‘I am the most harmless Colonel that ever Colonel'd’-smile on Sheppard's face but that's all. Light is on but no open door. Or something like that. Martin still sometimes has problems with English phrases.  

McKay's smile is fixed and as fake as it can get. Not even seeing Carter seems to do anything on that front. Not that there would much happening anyway. The crush that everyone and their grandmother knew about, got pretty much burned out at the time she was in charge here. The stranger thing is, that there is almost nothing else happening. Nothing loud anyway. Only that fake as fuck smile and a short, sarcastic sounding welcome.  

And while he likes to think that he has somewhat of an idea how Sheppard and McKay would be reacting to actual welcome guests, he doesn’t really have that much more insight. But their own team leader, Major Lorne? He can read him just fine after being in the guy's team for a few years. And that very friendly smile and professional handshakes are just as much fake as McKay's. If it were real there would be movement in the man. The shoulders would be going down for the handshakes, inviting people to react and talk. 

“There is something going on for sure, Sir”, he mutters back, and they exchange a look. Good thing they are penciled in for a mission soon and they can try to get some kind of intel. 

Trying being the most important word there.  
The Major is a good officer and probably an even better 2IC for Atlantis. Which is good for all of them, but that makes it hard to needle information out of him. That guy can be steely Teflon while still smiling amicable and giving nicest son-in-law vibes.  Maybe it’s an Air Force thing, because the Colonel has a very similar smile. Only with more rebellious surfer boy touch.  

They watch the group walking into the meeting room and relax into a looser stance. It’s the gate room and they only have two teams out in the moment. Teams that aren’t scheduled for a check in for a while.  But that gets him thinking. AR-2 doesn’t have to do gate shift all that often. They are after all their main relief & rescue team and with that kinda always on duty. It’s a thing.  

“Think the Major put us here for a reason today?” he wants to know and can see Reed mulling that over. “Could be. He knows we are not big on the gossip.” Coughlin nods, eyes still on the now closed doors. “But he also knows that we see things.” After all they are special trained to get other teams out of their shit and sometimes that requires to find out who of the nice native people has them in the first place. 

“Guess we’ll have to wait and see”, Reed decides, before looking up, as if he can see the Daedalus through the ceiling, “Hope they brought some new stuff for the Rec-Room. If I have to watch the same football games one more time, I might start a rebellion.”  

Martin snorts. “You could just try to watch some real sport for a change.” He waits just long enough to be insolent. “Sir.” Reed just rolls his eyes at him. “Don’t start up with your soccer again.” He shrugs, not caring about the annoyed tone. “At least there is something happening for 45 minutes before break. Not that bullshit, one move and back to formation thing you guys have going on.” 
“I just told you not to start again!”  
“My ears must be going bad from all the screaming my bleeding heart does. Sir.” 

The Lieutenant rubs a hand over his face and shakes his head in apparent despair. “You are the worst. You know that there are Germans in Atlantis that like football? But of course, I had to get you on my team.” 
Coughlin grins brightly, a move he may or may not have copied from their Major. “I am sure they are all from Austria, Sir.” 
“The. Worst.”  
Martin thinks that's a point for him, in their never-ending bickering about sports. By now he dislikes everything Reed likes as a principle of life. It’s always fun to rile the man up a bit and letting him shed the calm exterior.  

The Lieutenant is like a rattlesnake, and Martin is the fakir to let him dance to his tune. And maybe he would get shit for it on other teams, but Lorne always has this knowing spark in his eyes, whenever Martin needles Reed into some human behavior. So he isn’t that worried about getting written up. Besides, Reed isn’t one to hold his rank around him like a shield. They each have their job, and they do it. That’s how AR-2 works anyway. 

He is just thinking about an answer as the doors to the meeting room open and McKay storms out with a dark cloud all around him. Coughlin blinks, seeing their Colonel next in the door, still looking into the inside with hand movements that look more for soothing a wild beast then talking to SG-1. But then he turns and after getting pointed into a direction by Chuck the man follows McKay. Then it’s their Major that appears, this time with the smile that is usually reserved for hostile natives that wants to take them hostage.  

“.. will have to go over the missions for the next few days, so that you get the full experience on our teams. I will come back to you with a schedule that should help you out. If you have any other concerns radio me and I will try to straighten it out. Have a good day, Sir’s, Ma’am.” 

Reed sighs deeply. “I get the feeling they are here to fuck someone over.” 
Yep, that's the vibe Martin got as well. After all there isn’t much that sends McKay into a silent rage. Even the big Wraith motherships bring out the most interesting notes. If not in sound, then in volume. “I think it might be prudent to be a little bit gossipy about that one.” Reed hums, staring after their team lead, that already has a tablet out and is working on it while walking. “Radio Parrish. He has a good connection to Zelenka. Let’s see what the other side of the city knows or might need to know.” 

Hand already moving to follow the command he sees movement on the gate room balcony. SG-1 talking to each other. Still looking relaxed. Mostly. Even there is some kind of undercurrent. Coughlin can’t wait to find out what's going on. But if the info that Lorne presented them on a very nice silver tablet is true, then it’s at least a review of their teams. At minimum. McKays dramatic exit belies that a bit. So, it might be that the main target is, as usual, AR-1. Doesn’t seem to matter if it’s Wraith, Genii or the SGC.  

But the thing is.. AR-1 isn’t alone, and this isn’t under the fucking claustrophobic mountain. This is Atlantis and here people are actually looking out for each other, not just for the next promotion. Dr Rodney screamsalot but savesthemoften McKay included. 

********** 

Hours later, no one in the mess hall even gives them a second look as Parrish puts his tray down on their table. If they are not needed for all the searching and rescuing but are still on the gate rotation, they are often enough used to accompany and protect scientists. They see it as some sort of downtime and that attitude makes their team appealing. Unlike other teams they don’t think it boring to stand around for hours. Reed thinks that is because they are at least trying to talk to the guys and broaden their own horizon. The Major thinks it’s because they wouldn’t dare to give any kind of bad-mannered attitude with him around.  

Martin believes the other two are full of bullshit and just can’t accept the fact that they are maintaining their spy network. Americans always have the need to appear so golden and shiny and heroic while the truth is so much cooler. In Martins opinion anyway. He never did so much easy and strangely funny blackops work before in his whole life. 

“So, what’s the scuttlebutt Doc?”  
The tall but really slim botanist rolls his eyes. “Hello to you too, David.” Which has Reed rolling his eyes right back. “Yes. Well. Hello Parrish.” Martin grins, relaxing his legs into a long stretch. “Good evening, Doctor David.” The man smiles brightly at him. “You are refreshing as always, Martin.” But then he is leaning in a bit closer.  

“Radek couldn’t tell me all that much. Rodney came back from the meeting seething. Went to the main laptop and pulled all his personal projects without a single word. No one is really sure why, but if he does that, then there must be a reason, so all the others did it too. By now there shouldn’t be anything on the open network besides all the approved projects left.” 

Martin frowns, exchanging a quick look with his Lieutenant. “I don’t get it. Aren’t you guys allowed to have private projects?” Parrish shrugs. “We are. It is something Rodney encourages. Some of the most pressing needs of Atlantis often have some periods of waiting time. But not enough to start on another big one. Almost every one of us has some side projects we are working on, and they did help often enough in emergencies or in furthering another fields study. We are not stingy with them.” 

Reed leans back in his chair, throwing a look at the empty table that is usually the one where AR-1 takes their meals. “So, we have SG-1 here, know something about missions they will be going out with our teams and that McKay pulled all private research from the servers.” 
Parrish blinks owlishly before a mulish expression sets in. “You don’t think they are here to replace AR-1. Right? That would be ridiculous. Don’t they have enough to do on Earth?” 

“I don’t see a straight up replacing taking place. They must know how the people here would react to that.” But even while saying that, Martin can’t shake the feeling that there will be some trouble coming for them.  

Reed sighs, grabbing his fork again and spearing some of the peas on his plate. “Let’s see what the Major says tomorrow and go from there. Doc, if you would just keep your eyes and ears open for anything unusual that would help us a lot.” 
“Of course. I will keep you guys up to date. On another note, did I tell you guys about this new soil we have in test?” 

****** 

They were just finishing with the jumper inventory for the mission as their Major walks up the ramp, together with Colonel Mitchell. Exchanging a quick glance with Coughlin before they snap out their salutes, they are probably thinking the same thing. It might not be their Major they need to focus on for more information.  

“Okay guys, when our last member for the mission gets here, we will do our usual overview. Col. Mitchell will be with us in a more observing role but will obviously jump in if we need it. I am still the lead. The jumper ready?” 
David nods. “Yes, Sir. We are fully loaded for planned overnight and prepared for a week on rations.” The Major accepts that and turns to Coughlin. “Medical supplies are restocked. We are good to go.” 
“Good job.”  

Mitchell does some kind of waving at them, before following Lorne up to the pilot seats. At that point McKay stomps up the ramp, still in quite a mood. But this is not their first rodeo with the guy. Even if they usually get at least a mail in warning beforehand.  

“Yo McKay! It has been quite a while since you were last with us. Finally, someone that I can roll my eyes at, whenever these guys get too much American heroism going on.” The Sergeant is smiling widely, and it only takes a second before McKay snorts. “You should get your own Alien warrior or queen on the team, Sergeant. Can’t recommend it enough.” The German waves his hands around. “That’s what I have been saying for ages!” McKay shakes his head, apparently amused against his will.  

They look at each other and for once he is even noticed by his rank. Same as the Major. But then the Doc notices Mitchell and all amusement vanishes. “You didn’t inform me about Colonel Citrus, Lorne.” The jumper door closes with perfect timing. “Must have slipped my mind. Let me finish pre-flight, then we go over the mission.” Reed likes to believe that Coughlin isn’t too far off when he calls Lorne ‘Major Teflon’. Not that he would ever tell the guy. Either of them. 

“Colonel Citrus? The Major introduced him as Mitchell.” The Sergeants voice is just only loud enough to be heard. If you don’t concentrate on anything else and Reed can see how the SG-1 guy stills.  
McKay sits on one of the benches and takes his laptop out of his bag. “At least there is one person on this damn city that doesn’t drown in worship”, he grumbles. “Sheppard found it very funny to give Mitchell a citrus to threaten me with, if things got complicated. Like they always do.” 

“Ohh”, Coughlin takes a spot opposite of McKay. “So, he failed the test, and you are rubbing it in. I see. Well, I mean you can do it. You are a civilian after all. Sheppard wouldn’t be able too. I am sure he appreciates your effort on his behalf.” 

This has the Colonel giving up on pretending about not listening in, while McKay looks confused as fuck.  
“What test are you talking about?”, the man asks, moving from the spot on Lornes side in the front, back to them. The Sergeant frowns at him. “Sorry Sir. We shouldn’t have talked about it here.” Reed sneaks a glance at his Major, who by now has turned his seat around and is leaning forward, with his underarms on his legs. Watching them silently. Mitchell waves his hand. “What test?” 

McKay is back to staring at his laptop, but Reed can see him trying to work out what the German is on about. Thats the one nice thing about the Doc. Sure, he couldn’t lie into your face to safe his own life, but when the man knows he has to be on the lookout for something, he is pretty fast in gathering clues and putting them together.  

“Sir, shouldn’t that be kind of obvious?”, Coughlin asks, before turning to McKay. “Doc, how often did Sheppard threaten you with citrus so far?” The genius frowns. “Obviously never. Beside this one laps in character he is almost as thorough with making sure there is none of it in my vicinity as I am. As is the rest of my team.” 
The Sergeant nods and makes a ‘so there’ gesture at the Colonel. “Nobody here has to threat a civilian with a possible deadly reaction to an allergy. I am feeling bad that I somehow got roped into it now, by not being able to shut up, but you failed a big Sheppard test there, Sir. That man is as protective of his team as a Lioness about her cubs.”  

This might just be as well his own cue. He frowns deeply, turning to Mitchell who so far has done nothing more than gaping. “Sir, you don’t carry any citrus around with you right now, do you? If so, I would have to tell you in my double role as team medic that I couldn’t allow that in the jumper at all. Not as long as we are doctor McKay's protection detail.” 

“Guys..”, that's the Majors long suffering voice. “I am sure the Colonel didn’t actually threaten McKay with a citrus. You all can..” He stops as he notices the Doctors enraged face and Mitchells ‘damn it, I got caught out with my pants down’-expression. David is very sure that Martin has just as a hard time as he does, not to laugh like a maniac. “Wait. Sir? You did?!” With that amount of disbelief in the Majors voice, no one would ever believe that he and McKay have a long-standing tradition about threats of shooting the genius.  

“He very well did!” 
Reed has to give it to the guy. He does the ‘enraged scientist’ like no one else. By now David is certain that the Doc caught on and is on board. Not that he himself has any idea what the real plan is, but so far they are pretty good at jumping at presented chances. And while he found the Colonel somewhat likeable whenever they crossed paths in the past, there are just some lines you don’t cross.  

“It wasn’t even a real one! Listen, McKay. I am sorry. Really. It will not be happening again.” That sounds sincere enough, but he knows his team. And himself. He is the team medic at the end of the day. There is nothing funny about these kinds of threats. As if they weren’t busy enough with everything else this galaxy throws at them. And wasn’t McKay not some kind of loan to the SGC for that mission? Way to handle your people. Not. 

Same for Martin and Lorne. By now they had a good way to handle the Doc whenever he was with them, for whatever reason: Keep the guy happy and have a successful mission. Thats it. On a coincidental note: A happy McKay was actually a pretty decent, sometimes even funny guy. And on another, other note: If all fails, throw the Major in and let them snipe at each other. Works for at least a few hours.  

All of them take it kind of personally if their adjunct teammates are threatened with possible death. Which by now might as well include half of the city. There is a reason they are a 3-man team after all. And no matter what Martin says, it isn’t a spy network. It’s a protection umbrella. 

“Damn straight it will never happen again! I didn’t know it wasn’t real, Mitchell! And now shut up about it. In case you are wondering, some of us have actual work to do instead of just sitting around and observing.” 

“On that note”, the Major starts, “I requested McKay from AR-1 for our mission, because Carter will go with them today and it doesn’t make sense to have two of your calibers out on the same team for that kind of mission.” Reed notices the brief confusion that flashes through the scientists' eyes. “And utilizing that brainpower, I decided we might just as well go for another survey on PM3-SE9.”  

The confusion gives way to surprise and then honest to god elation, before it vanishes into glee, just as McKay nods his assent and looks back down at his laptop. And that's the moment Reed gets it. That planet is the one that every single scientist from McKays department loves to go out.  

The energy reading there confuses them and they can’t seem to get a grip what exactly is happening there. It’s drives them into crazy long debates with lots of hand weaving and shouting. It’s like catnip for them and everyone else likes it too, because there is absolutely nothing happening there. It’s the kind of meditative boring that has them playing cards and bringing down their own guards. 

And he remembers that AR-1 was slotted in for the next visit there, because Zelenka was pouting over it, over a shared meal with them. Which would mean.. He glances at the placid looking Major, that lines out the mission parameters for them.  
Lorne didn’t just pull McKay from AR-1 but swapped their missions too. No ‘amazing and unusual’ energy readings for Carter, that might just now get the probably boring second contact mission, they had slotted in for today. No ‘interesting and crazy’ Pegasus Mission for Mitchell and one very happy, in data readings absorbed McKay. 

Major Lorne is one scary man. For an Air Force officer anyway. 

Chapter Text

Waving his hand impatiently over the crystals until the door finally opens, Major Jordan steps into the little office and pins the sitting Captain with a look. “Marcus”, he starts with a tone that suggests he is on his last nerve. “We need to talk about today's mission for my team.” 

The walking Irish advertisement groans and looks up from his laptop. “No, we really don’t and I will tell you, what I have been telling everyone for hours now. The new missions are approved and no whining at me will help you. Take it up with our overlords.” By now Stackhouse's face is almost as red as his hair. “Except you can’t! Because in their never-ending wisdom, they decided again, that they need to go out on missions at the same fucking time!” 

Mike squints at his friend for a second or so, before frowning. “Sheppard and Lorne are both out?” Thats the gist of the little temper tantrum, right? Stackhouse nods and rubs agitated through his hair. “Yes! And ignoring the itsy-bitsy thing about command structure, they decided to shuffle the god damn missions in the last second and then hop off base! So that I am that poor asshole that has to deal with all the complaints!” 

He shrugs a shoulder. It's not news worthy that their CO’s are two crazy motherfuckers that couldn’t sit still, if their life depended on it. They could probably do it, if other Lifes were on the line. On a good day. Maybe. 

“Chill your horses, Stackhouse. My mission didn’t get switched. I am not here to complain about that.” He tries to ignore the face Marcus is making at him. “What then? You down a team member and need a new one, or what?” 

“Nope. It’s kinda the opposite.”  
There is a deep sigh. “Bloody hell, Mike. Can you talk in sentences that make any kind of sense for a change? Would that be too much to ask? How you got to be Major before me, I will never know.”  

Jordan rolls his eyes and crosses his arm. “Obviously because of my rakish good looks. Ever looked into a mirror when you get agitated? The red face doesn’t go well with the hair, buddy.” 
“I will throw you out of my office, Mike. On your ass.” the Captain growls and Mike let him see the uptick of his mouth and the grin that is hiding there. But then he remembers why he is here in the first place.  

“They added Dr. Jackson to my team for the mission. That’s gotta be a mistake. Do you know what we are set to do today? Planting seeds for the Lanari. And do you know where? On PM3-551. And why would that be important?” he asks before answering for both of them. “Because they don’t even live there! It’s the planet where they plant their stuff to not attract Wraith while working! There will be no one there but my team and Jackson! What the hell, Marcus?” 

Stackhouse throws his arms into the air. “What do you want me to do?! You know that guy? The other Major? One of our CO’s? The guy that made Major long before you? Yep, that guy put the Doc there and I will not risk my neck and reverse that decision. Take it up with Woolsey for all I care.” 

Frowning heavily at the Irish asshole he rubs his forehead with two fingers. “Told ya, it’s all in the looks. He is pretty enough for two.” Stackhouse huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, the Colonel too I guess.” The both turn to stare at the door for a moment, as if checking that their CO’s are not just coming in and listening to their bullshit. 
“But never mind that”, he waves a hand. “I honestly think Lorne made a mistake there.” All he gets is another shrug. “Still can’t help you.” 

Jordan lets out a curse and turns around, opening the door and pointing at Marcus. “This is bullshit! That is what it is!” Already leaving he can hear Stackhouse shout. “Just sit him down into shade or something! It’s not like they are here to replace AR-1!" 

He thinks this much disrespect deserves the kick against the wall and the snarled “Fuck!”. Now he really has to think about what to do with the Daniel Jackson on a manual labor mission and he hates it very much.  

****** 

“They are here to replace AR-1!” 

Marie Choi stares after the Major that just kicked the wall enraged and turns around, hurrying down the way she just came from. Ducking into the next teleporter she hits the one closest to the mess and almost runs into the hall. Back to the table where she and a few friends just had taken a late breakfast together.  
Sliding back into her seat she stares at them with big eyes. “Oh my god. Oh my god! The rumors are all true. The bad ones!” 

Doctors Kusanagi, Lindsay and Kiang stare at her but she leans in and whispers frantically. After a hushed discussion all four of them are dispersing back into their departments. Each having sworn not to say anything, which means that by midday the military patrols are wondering, what has all their geeks in such a state? 

******** 

Lieutenant Aldo Toriel made a beeline at Lieutenant Kemp as soon as he entered the room they used as armory for off world teams. “You will never guess what I just heard!”, he mutters excitedly and Kemp just raises an eyebrow in question, while going through his tactical vest. “Seargeant Wojcik was told by Doctor Kiang that one of the nurses, Marie, overheard some Majors talking and confessing that they know that SG-1 is here to replace AR-1!” 

Walter turns and stares at him. “Who heard what? The fuck are you on about?” Aldo rolls his eyes. “I am talking about SG-1 being here to replace AR-1! The source is sound and the geeks believe it as truth.” 
The older Lieutenant snorts derisive. “Yeah right. If you think they would give up their godlike status on earth for being hated here, you are all stupid.” 
Aldo stares at him before pointing. “Then explain to me, why we would get Dr. Jackson as team member for this mission?” 

“Thats what I would like to know!”, their Major announces as he stomps into the room. “The whole base is going crazy! And of course, our overlords are nowhere to be found. I swear it’s the Air Force’ fault, that all of their officers have bees in their collective asses!” 

Aldo gives Walter an ‘So there!’ look which is promptly ignored. Instead, the man turns to the Major. Equally ignoring that ones tantrum about their CO’s. “We really got the Doc assigned to us? Today?” Jordan nods, while throwing on his own gear. “Tried to get it changed and got told off.” The Major looks around. “And where the hell is Cross?” 

“I am here! Sorry Sir! I forgot the time!” 
They all stare at their Sergeant before shaking their heads and continuing to gear up. Jordan sighs deeply. “If I go crazy some time in the near future it will be mostly your fault, Cross.” At least the woman has the instinct to look contrite. For a second. Before she stumbles over to change into her gear too. 

“You got told off, Sir? So, it was deliberate?” Maybe Jordan hadn’t heard about the reason for SG-1 ‘visit’? The man shrugs. “Nah, must have been a mistake. I still have no idea what to do with the guy later.” 

Aldo wonders if they are maybe all living in denial state? For him it's obvious why Major Lorne would put Jackson on a mission that would bore the man to death and let him look bad if he wouldn’t help.  

“I heard that they are here to fuck our prime team over”, Cross offers while fighting with her thigh holster and Kemp rolls his eyes before walking over and helping her. Jordan scoffs. “You heard that.”   
She looks up, from smiling at Kemp and nods. “Yeah. It’s the biggest talk in Geektown.” Aldo finds himself nodding. “Jepp. Heard that one too.” 

This has the Major frowning. “Really?” He still sounds disbelieving, but Aldo can tell that the man is evaluating the evidence. So to speak.  
“Whatever you two heard, you need to get your head checked. As if O’Neill would let his prime team fuck off to Pegasus. Really? They have enough own problems.”  

“True”, Jordan acknowledges but points at Kemp. “But something is going on. There is no reason to shuffle almost all missions around, giving us Jackson for a labor mission and having both Commanding Officers off base for the fallout. Stackhouse is mad like a rabid dog.” Walter doesn’t look all that convinced. “Maybe we should just ask the Doc?” 
Aldo scoffs. “Or maybe we just let the mission play out like they intended.” 

As Cross opens her mouth again, she is the next one to get the Majors pointed finger. “Ah, ah, ah. You can join the crazy conspiracy theories at your next rank. Sergeants just do what they are being told.” But then he straps his own holster and puts the gun in it. “Yeah fine, we let it play out. Better to get a civilian mad at you then our overlords. I don’t fancy boring diplomatic missions for the rest of my life.” 

************* 

John tries to hold his pleasant, mostly there smile as Ronon leans over to him and half growls and half murmurs: “Why the fuck do we have to do this, Sheppard? We were up for the fun planet. You had me put the things in the jumper! The rackets.” 

Showing more of the smile as the Councilwoman that explains the intricacies of this little tea ceremony, they are doing now for the last two hours, glances over to them he gives a minimalistic shrug. “Hell, if I know. Lorne said he had to shuffle the missions to give our guests the best experience.” Maybe he should have listened better as his 2IC explained his reasons, but he had an enraged McKay to find and handle and told the Major to do as he always does. John would sign off on it later. Which he did. John didn’t want to go through hours of talking about missions, like they usually did at the end of each week to prepare for the next.  

By now his cheeks are hurting from all the empty smiling he is doing, but at least the two women look contend. No wonder for Teyla, but Carter? Maybe Lorne knew about some secret fancy for prolonged tea ceremonies or something? And in the end, it was somewhat genius to pull McKay from their team too. If his best friend were here and had to endure all that silent sitting and smiling, they would probably be up and bound against some trees. Or totems.  
That one was fun. 

Although he is a bit miffed at having to give up the mission on the funny energy readings planet. He had ordered a badminton set and had planned a few bets around, how far Ronon could hit the little balls. Or if that would finally be the one sport that required more finesse than brute force.  
Ah well, there was always next time. He could override Lorne next week and give the next mission there to AR-1 again. And take Zelenka too, to have some background noises.  

A quick glance to Ronon shows that the warrior at least tries to only look like a halfway enraged and badly leashed beast instead of a full one. At least John thinks thats what it is. “Come on, Ronon. You know we need this alliance. It’s just tea.” The look he gets would have lesser men shaking in their boots but John is immune enough to only be a little happy to sit at the moment.  
“This would have been long over if McKay were here”, the man grumbles affronted and John has to give him that. But... “I just said we need this alliance. Keep up.” 

“Are we boring you, Colonel Sheppard?” 
Turning his head back to the Councilwoman's tight face and trying to ignore the double disappointed looks from the female half of his team he shakes his head. “Nono. We were just talking about how we never tasted a tea like that. It is really unique. I am sorry if that was disrupting.” 
It’s as if the sun goes up in the stern womans face. “Oh, there is a story about how we came into possession of it. Many, many moons ago..” 

Oh god, he did something wrong there. John is pretty sure he just condemned them to another two hours of sitting around and smiling. “I will kill you for this, Sheppard.” John's smile brightens another few grades, while he absolutely doesn’t sweat at the threat of another marathon around the city. Fuck all this mission shuffling and giving his own teammates away like candy. With Rodney here, they would have at least a believable out.  

*************** 

“So, what is this all about then?”, he finally gives up on trying to give his whole attention to the inexplicable jumps in energy readings and turns to Lorne. Who stands close to ‘guard’ him. Hands on the big P-90 and looking around for threats that are not there. That never were there and with a bit of luck, will never be there. As long as the gate doesn’t activate to send Darts through at least. 

The Major does not even glance in Rodneys direction. “No idea what you are talking about, Doc.” Yeah. Right. And O’Neill isn’t senile. Watching another energy jump on his laptop and getting no other readings, not in the ground, not in the air and not anywhere in between, he struggles to his feet. Struggle, because they are somewhat uncooperating after sitting for so long on the hard ground. 

This time Lorne is looking at him, frowning a bit. “When did you last eat?” Rodney frowns right back, but more because he has to think about it, which usually means it has been too long. “When was breakfast again?” The Major sighs deeply, like some kindergardner that can’t believe with what he has to deal with on the daily. “Move around a bit for the stiff legs.”  

Rodney rolls his eyes. “Yes, thank you, Major. Because I never did sit on the ground for too long before and need your imaginative wise words to know how to regulate my own body functions.” Lorne just points at something behind him. “To that tree and back. I organize food.” Sometimes Rodney wonders what might be harder to break. Lornes head or Rodneys ego. But the promise of food has his belly grumbling in anticipation and the feeling of needles in his legs does get better as he walks. To another tree. Just to be contrary.  

He can see Coughlin standing halfway between them and the Jumper and thinks, fuck that tree, and changes course. Moving up to the Sergeant he looks behind him, only to see Lorne rummaging in one of the backpacks.  
“Ok Coughlin. What's the deal? Obviously, I can’t be sure how your team handles this planet under Major Regulations over there, but my own team would be playing around like a litter of young dogs by now.” 

The Sergeant grins at him and pulls something out of the ear that doesn’t hold the radio and Rodney can hear faint music. “We are more the card playing and relaxing type of team, McKay.” He nods, because he can see that. “But you are not doing that either. Lorne has you standing around like he expects a whole village of cannibals to jump us any second now.” 

Coughlin shrugs. “I guess it’s all part of the illusion.”  
“What illusion?” Have they all gone mad while he was busy trying to make sense out of the data stream? And now that he thinks about it. What was the whole spiel with Mitchell about anyway? Rodney is like eighty percent sure that Sheppard only did the citrus thing to be an asshole and not to as some kind of test for the fellow Colonel. They had a nice row about it after all and Sheppard isn’t moronic enough to invoke Rodneys wrath if he could circumvent it with talk about this ominous test. 

 “I mean..”, the Sergeant begins, looking unconcerned. “I can’t really be sure what is going on, but there aren’t that many reasons the Major would put Mitchell on this mission. So we are handling it, like we would any other.” 
Rodney raises an unbelieving eyebrow. “While hearing music. Because that is obviously what you would do, on any other normal mission.” The man has the nerve to smile brightly at him. “I think your food is ready, McKay.” 

Giving the grinning man another look that clearly states that Rodney is onto them, he turns around and stomps back down the little hill. Snatching the MRE that Lorne holds out to him, out of the Major’s hands he walks back to his laptop and sits down again. “You and your team didn’t get hit by some ancient machine beam on the city and failed to report it, right? And you didn’t send Reed and Mitchell away to prepare some kind of ritual to sacrifice me?” 

Rodney has no idea how Lorne manages it, but the mans snort sounds disbelieving. “No ancient beam that I noticed and the other two are patrolling. Do I have to tell you to eat too or can you manage that on your own, Rodney?” 

Maybe from time to time he should be the one to threat a little bit of a shooting. Rodney is sure Lornes head could take it, with all the brain that seems to be missing there. “Fuck you. I am perfectly able to eat without your idiotic commentary.” Opening the MRE to prepare it for the heating he mumbles about useless soldiers and their useless illusions and..  
Wait a minute. Illusions. Could it be? No! No way. Right? These god damn ancients! 
Throwing the MRE aside and delving back into his laptop, only this time typing furiously he misses the next sigh. “Perfectly able my ass.” 

Chapter Text

“Shouldn’t we warn her at least?” Katie can’t help herself and has to ask, while watching the strange woman flutter from plant to plant. Putting her nose close enough to smell them more clearly from time to time. Beside her Rachel snorts uncharitable. “Why? It’s not like we invited her in here.”  

In here being botany lab 3. The woman, Vala Mal Doran, had just a few minutes earlier walked in as if she owned the place, introduced herself and started complaining, or comparing how Vala had called it herself. It seems that Major Teldy had forgotten to take Vala out with her team. By the time she had been in the gate room, only a few minutes late as she assured them, the team was already gone.  

Katie has a hard time, not congratulating the Major on that decision. Their mission was to one of the few bigger markets. And the people running it, had rather old-fashioned ideas how to punish thieves. One of the teams was there to witness such a thing happening and while the Atlantis population obviously didn’t tend to steal and therefore still felt safe to trade there.. Well, there were whispers about that black haired alien woman. 

Turning to her colleague and friend, she wringed her hands in discomfort. “But if we let her do that further down, all the different pollen could cause some kind of reaction.” Dr. Rachel Kiang throws her a look. “There is only one plant in here that could cause a reaction, Katie.” She can see the grin that is badly hidden. “Well, and one that has a reaction. The chances that she will stop at these two aren’t that high.” 

Turning their attention back to their guest, they follow her path between all the samples they have here. Katie has to admit that the woman is beautiful and all grace and confidence. She wouldn’t mind talking to her and explaining some of the plants and flowers that seem to be of interest for Vala.  

But Rachel had a bone to pick and Katie didn’t want to fight with her friend. “Are you really sure about..”, she starts asking and is interrupted by an annoyed sigh. “Katie, you are a wonderful woman but not every person you will ever meet is inherently good or want what is best for you. Marie heard it very clearly and there are things happening on the military side of things. Who do you want her to replace? Teyla? Then go right ahead and be your friendly self with that person.” 

Of course she wouldn’t want Teyla replaced. Teyla was wonderful. Caring. Emphatic. Intelligent. Powerful. On Earth she would be a role model for younger generations to look up to.  
But did that really mean that they shouldn’t tell Vala about the pollen? “It isn’t so much about what people would want for me, but what I would want for them.” 

Rachel rolls her eyes. “You are talking as if they were sexpollen or something. All that will be happening, if it happens, is the effect of drunkenness. It’s probably the most harmless thing that could happen on the city.” 

Which was true, but... 

The door behind them slides open again and David joins them, frowning as he notices Vala too. “Uh, what is she doing in here?” Rachel shrugs unconcerned. “Exploring.” David blinks, before shaking his head. “Better than engineering. I could swear I saw them looking over some plans for some elaborate trap that connects some slides to the water or something like that.” 

Crossing her arms unhappily, she sighs deeply. “This is insane. It’s not like they could help it, if that was the order the SGC gave them.” 
Parrish and Kiang both stare at her for a second. “It’s the principle of the matter. If they can do it with our flagship team, then they could do it to everyone.” 
For a moment there is a part in Katie that wants to scream. The SGC and the IOA can already do it! But she takes a deep breath. “Fine! But I will want nothing to do with that. I will not become a bully!” 

Turning around and leaving the lab, she can hear them both muttering. “Bullying? Did you push Vala to that plant?” 
“Don’t be silly David. As if I would want another three hour lecture about the intricacies between pranking and bullying. I am just letting nature run its course.” 
“Right now, nature takes the direct path to the yellow nectar spitting Crossandra.” 
“Better get the Eucalyptus out. That one stinks like hell.” 

************ 

“This is not so bad.” 
Glancing over to the Colonel, Reed tries not to be too obviously being bored out of his mind and nods. It’s true after all. For Pegasus this isn’t bad at all. But seeing as they would usually have a good time, together with the team, probably while playing cards and going over the latest news from the city, this is mind-numbingly boring.  

There is a difference if one has to stay on guard in situations that are unclear and could switch to dangerous on a seconds notice. And even if, eight hours later, nothing has happened, than you still had to be on guard and prepared for anything. This? This is standing around and hurrying the numbers on his watch to move a bit faster. David can’t wait for the role switch. Coughlin can babysit Mitchell while he can listen to music. Or to McKay. At this point he isn’t picky anymore. 

“I mean I read a lot of mission reports from you guys and I don’t fancy a Wraith attack or anything, but I had a very different picture of your daily work in my mind. Probably because SG-1 doesn’t get to have the nice missions anymore.” 

Reed can imagine that actually. Why waste the team that is in the habit of saving your world on easy trading missions? “Can’t be all-out war all the time, Sir. As far as I know, our management makes it a point to rotate the teams to known low danger places, to stop the burnout or mental break downs.”  

 The man turns to him and observes him for a moment. “Yeah, I can see that. You don’t have that many options to disengage your mind out here, do you?” 

David shrugs. It’s not too bad. They have the Rec-Room and quite a few sport activities. Like Volleyball or that golf thing that is such a hit with the scientists. And Sheppard. Sometimes they have a nice evening on the beach at the mainland, after some grueling trainings sessions. And the usual poker and boardgames are around too.  

He was in worse living, or surviving conditions on Earth. Without his own rooms, shower and a real bed. Without the protection of a shield and cloak. David would take Atlantis over any other position in a heartbeat again. Who cares at the end to what one dies? Dead is dead. He will take the comfort here over burning sun, sandstorms, flimsy tents, the possibility of an surprise attack and stale water any day.  

“The people make up for it”, is what he says tho. Let’s not forget the mission after all. He will not be the one to tell Mitchell how good of a posting it is out here. And like he imagined, the Colonel looks over his shoulder, in the direction of the spot that McKay declared as ‘good enough for now’. “All of them?” 

And maybe he feels another flare of indignation. And maybe he still isn’t over the thing with the citrus. For all of McKays whining and hypochondrial tendencies – enough to have David sweettalk Dr. Biro into spilling the real deal to him – the man has some problems that needs to be taken serious by his protection detail. And the simple thought of doing something like this to your own people..  

“You seem to have a real problem with Doctor McKay, Sir. He sweet on your girl or something?”  
David can mentally feel Lornes exasperated headshake and the admonishment not to overdo it. But quite honestly, he never cared all that much about military politics. He wants to do his job, keep his people safe and secure and be a part of something meaningful. There isn’t that much space left for caring about outsiders' feelings. And after being stationed here for a few years, he counts SG-1 as such. Reading reports can only do so much after all.  

Mitchell does a defensive wave with his hand. “Thats not it. I didn’t have that much to do with him anyway. Mostly going by what I heard and have seen myself so far.” At least the Colonel doesn’t seem to take offense to Davids borderline unfriendliness. The Major would. That’s not how he trained them as team after all.  

He shrugs. “That must have been some terrible stories if that got you to threaten our CSO like that.” Damn it. He can’t let it go. For a moment he wants to reach for the radio and ask for the incoming swap now. Let Martin deal with that.  

Mitchell groans and rubs a hand over his face. “Man, I really feel bad about that now. Should have never listened to Sheppard like this. It’s so obvious now. As if that guy would tolerate anyone on his team for that long if he wants to kill them.” He points at David. “Believe me, I will have words with him about that later.” 

It’s actually hard to hold the ‘good luck with that’ back in. He has no idea why Sheppard would have done this stupid stunt with the citrus, especially with how close of a friendship the two men share but he is also pretty sure that Sheppard hadn’t some big plan behind it. Not like Martin suggested.  

From what Reed has seen it was probably more of a mean to an end. To let McKay see that things like this would never happen to him on Atlantis. So better not even think about going back to Earth. Or something like that. From this perspective it was kind of funny to think that McKay of all people might be right, whenever he calls out Sheppards emotional functionality as deep as a teaspoon. 

He nods. “That might be a good idea, Sir. At least to clear the air. Not everyone here might be the Docs biggest fan, but that was way over the line.” He shoves all imagined headshakes aside. Mitchell nods, smiling slightly. “I will. And I will find out how I can apologize better to McKay, too. It’s good to see you all so protective of your own. You are very much alone here for most of the time after all.” 

God, he doesn’t want to like the man. But it’s a little bit hard, not to be impressed by a full bird owning up his mistakes to a Lieutenant. Damn it. 

His radio clicks online. “You can come back guys. We need to prepare the camp for overnight after all. Short of stunning I don’t see McKay coming down from his scientific Rager any time soon.” 
Thank fuck.  

********* 

He has no idea what it is, but something is going on. After being cleared by a somewhat flustered nurse in medical, John swears people are looking at him strangely. Did something happen while they were gone and had to drink their weight in tea? But surely Atlantis would have hailed them?  

Changing his route to Lornes office, only to find it empty and remembering that the Major was out on his own mission, Major Jordan finds him. Looking frazzled and sweaty but unhurt. Which is always a plus in Johns book.  

“Sir!” 
Stopping he waits for the Major to move up to him and looks at him expectant. “You need to talk to Major Lorne, Sir. I don’t know what was going on in his mind, but I had to spent the last hours watching Dr. Jackson seeding plants. Out in the hot sun and entertaining my team with stories about long gone cultures. That’s just not right!” 

The man rubs through his dark hair in an agitated gesture. “He said he couldn’t just sit around and let us work! Do you want O’Neill on my ass or something? I feel like the grinch!” 

John blinks confused. “Wait, what? You got Jackson on your team for PM3-551?” Jordan looks unamused. “You signed that off too.” Huh. Yeah, he probably did. John waves his hand. “Don’t be so worried about that, Major. That man is an archeologist. They like to do, you know, things in the dirt. Digging. It was probably relaxing for him.” 

He needs to talk to Stackhouse and get over the new mission roster, that he signed off. While Carter in all honesty seemed to have a blast with Teyla and all that tea, this one doesn’t seem like a decision Lorne would usually make.  

“Relaxing..”, Jordan mutters darkly and yeah, John can understand it. He wouldn’t feel to good watching overqualified scientists do that kind of labor either. There is a reason they only send them out for things like this if it is adjunct to their chosen fields.  
“Take a long shower Jordan and don’t overthink it. No one has plans to throw your ass to O’Neill for a spanking.” With that he turns around in need to get to the next office. 

Wandering into the Captains office, he doesn’t wait for the ‘Sir’ and wanders behind the man and demands to see the mission roster. Stackhouse does at asked and shoves the laptop a bit to the side, so that John can see better.  

Mh, there is his own mission. Then there is AR-2. With McKay to the fun planet. And Mitchell of all people. These two together? John frowns and wonders if he should have listened more closely to his 2IC. At least the Major is out with them to stop the possible bloodbath.  

Going further down. Normal mission. Normal mission. Normal mi.. Wait. AR-5 with Vala Mal Doran to M3X-194.  
He points to the name. “Isn’t that the market planet? With the..?” 
Stackhouse groans. “Yes, it is. Major Teldy took thirty minutes out of her time to scream at me for it.” 
What the fuck, Lorne? 

“Yes, I can see that happening. So, they are out there? Right now?” He doesn’t see the green check that would indicate that the mission finished and wonders if he has to mount a rescue. Thankfully Stackhouse shakes his head. “Teldy radioed me on point of their mission time, claimed that Mal Doran wasn’t there and she would go through without her.” 

And while that usually would at least deserve a dressing down, right now John thanks Teldys hardheadedness. But best not to let that show. So, he presses his lips into a white unhappy line and radiates silent dissatisfaction until it bursts out of the Captain. “She instead visited botany.” 

John raises an eyebrow. “And?”  
“And she got hit by some kind of foul-smelling thing or another. No idea. Just what I heard through the grapevine.” At least the guy doesn’t look any happier than John. Only, he mostly has to blame himself. He should have looked more closely. But honestly? It was never needed with Lorne before.  
Does the guy have a grudge against SG-1? And if, how doesn’t John know about it? 

He needs to talk to Rodney if he noticed something, before confronting the Major. “When is AR-2 due back?” Stackhouse looks up to him. “They took the overnight extension, Sir.” 
Of course they did. John refrains from rolling his eyes heroically. These assholes. “Ah well, I will take a look what happened to Vala. Just keep me up to date and if Teldy wants to scream again, send her my way.” 
This time the “Yes, Sir!” sounds a lot more believable.  

Maybe he should start at botany.  

Chapter Text

Walking into the botany lab in which people have told him that Parrish is in, John has to use all his military training not to gag loudly. “What the fuck is this smell? Do you guys have a dead body somewhere in here?” Thats the only thing he can halfway attribute to that odor. It is such a heavy, sweet and foul thing. In all honesty, it might be worse than every body he had to smell before.  
Including Afghanistan. 

Parrish, who leans over a yellow plant and is cooing at it, looks up. “That is the smell of the defense mechanism of the Crossandra. A very sensible and shy plant. Easily disturbed. She has a pouch in which she stores rainwater and some of her own sekret. She spits it out, when feeling threatened.” 

John blinks. The man isn’t even wearing a mask. No matter what Rodney says, John’s respect for ‘the useless scientific fields’ is rising. A lot. Coughing slightly, he nods to signal that he understands. “Ok. Moody plant had a spitting fit. Did it hit Vala by any chance?” 

By now it feels as if the smell is seeping into his clothes, that's how potent it is to his nose. And he is standing by the door! Swallowing, John even has the feeling that his own spit has a different taste. It’s downright disgusting. Somewhere in his brain a voice starts demanding a shower. A shower with a lot of showergel. Fuck military standard soap. He needs something nice smelling. Maybe he should raid Rodneys bathroom. That guy is always on about his dry skin. There should be something to find. At the very last he remembers something about a coconut something something creme? 

Parrish half shrugs, half nods. “They did cross paths. The Crossandra won.” John blinks at the unconcerned looking scientist. What the hell was going on? Wasn’t Parrish usually one of the overly nice dudes? Something like a good luck pet AR-2 did like to take, if they wanted an easy mission? (Not that he would ever say that loud. To either. Especially not now that he knows about that abnormality of a flower.) And why the hell is the guy not gagging? John has the distinct feeling that he himself isn’t so far away from throwing up anymore. The salvia in his mouth is gathering faster than normal. 

“And Vala?” 

The Doc looks up from his plant and smiles his usual open and friendly smile. “I think she is on her way to medical?”  
Why is that a question? Parrish is the head of this department and his aggro flower spit on a guest! John stares for a moment, before deciding that he doesn’t care. He will not stand here a second longer. 

“Uhm. As you were, I guess. Thank you.” With that he turns, gets a happy “Have a good day, Colonel!” thrown after him and leaves that disaster behind him. Sadly the smell didn’t decide the same. His throat constructs and for a moment John fears that he really has to barf into the next best.. Whatever comes his way. Time for his shower. 

Only, he has to stop on his way, as half of the Engineer department walks by him. Hauling probably half of their own gear around and discussing the merits of letting gravity do most of their work, or if they should somehow make it slippery. And he was prepared to let it go, because that department has seen some shit under Rodney and Zelenka and has earned a few quirks, but then they look at him and scrunch their noses, before walking in a wider circle around him. 

And really, fuck that. 

“Sheppard to Zelenka. Why the hell is your whole department running around in heavy gear? Do we have some kind of emergency that I was not told about?” 

There is a moment of silence, before the man answers. “Do not worry, Colonel. There is nothing to see there.” John grimaces, as something that he is pretty sure is a heavy duty metal cutter falls to the floor. Sloppy. 

“Mhm, and what exactly are you guys planning on not cutting holes into? And does McKay know, what you are not doing and I am not seeing?” There will be hell to pay if they do something big without Rodneys knowledge. With their luck, that Winchester guy will be there and blow something up too and then John will hear nothing else but rage about that from his friend. For days. “Did I also not see that your big metal cutter had an unfortunate meeting with the ground just now?” 

“They did let it fall?”, there is some kind of mix between resignation and rage Czech exclamation. “But yes. You did see nothing and Rodney.. Well, do you try to undermine my status as highest ranking in absence of CSO? I am qualified you know?” 

Yeah, right. That means Rodney doesn’t know shit. Maybe he should take his guys and freaking Lorne to the mainland later and be an asshole Colonel for once. Some survival night training against the big snakes or something like that. Maybe he could even ask Parrish about the damn plant.  

“It’s your funeral. But if you damage my city, I will have you and all of your guys chained in Woolsey's office and throw Rodney in from afar to watch the show. Sheppard out.” 

Shaking his head, and getting another whiff of the freaking smell, he starts walking again. Fuck his own shower. He will just take a bath in Rodneys quarters. And hide in his office afterwards. No one will ever look for him there. Might be best to just ignore all this madness and wait for Lorne to get his answers.  

************** 

Marie tries her best to breathe through her mouth, while staring at the woman in the isolation room. She was just as worried about AR-1, but what botany did to that poor thing, that was biological warfare. They had her in three showers by now and the smell.. Oh god, the smell. It is still there. And she can still see some yellow in the thick, black hair.  

She can see Carson in his full hazard body suit, trying to talk to the distraught woman. Carefully trying to bring up the possibility to cut the hair off. One can only hope Vala hasn’t any weapons on her. At least that would be how Marie would react if she had that kind of hair and someone would want her to cut it.  

The door behind her opens, and she turns to see Captain Stackhouse walking in, still looking down at his PDA. Marie feels the usual blush forming on her cheeks. That man is just so good looking and didn’t seem to know that himself.  

“Doc’s, I got a killer headache. Could I have..”, the man stops, and sniffs the air, before paling. “Holy shit, why do you guys have that awful smell around? Are we low on Eucalyptus or something?” 

Marie turns fully to him. “Could you run that by me again, Captain? You know that smell?” Stackhouse blinks at her, before rubbing a hand through his dark red hair. “That’s the fucking yellow one, isn’t it? We had to spray the whole gate room with Eucalyptus as they brought it in the first time. Was on gate duty. I will never forget that smell.” 

She forgets her little crush and steps up to the man, pointing his finger at him. “Eucalyptus disables the smell?!” The Captain frowns down to her, damn that mans height, and nods. “Botany brought it up and did most of the work. Was like magic.” 
“Dr. Kiang said they hadn’t anything about the smell!”, she explodes and already has a hand on her radio.  
“Maybe you should talk to Beckett about some emergency lockdown. There must be something in the air today. I swear everyone is going crazy. ” 
Hmpf, now that she knows, she has a pretty good idea whats going on actually. Only she can’t believe that her friend would have her suffering too. That bitch. 

************ 

Martin knows that he is easily entertained, but this, right here? Pure gold.  
One one side there is the Colonel, trying to hold a conversation with Reed, who looks like he wishes he were in a firefight with Genii and on the other, there is McKay eating sullenly and trying to kill the major with his so far ineffective death look. It couldn’t be more stilted and that’s the environment he thrives in.  

He wishes he had a camera with him, as the Major plugged the laptop out of McKays hands and did threaten that he might slip up and let it fall onto the nearest rock, if the scientist doesn’t the fuck sit down like a normal human being and eat. The face. Oh god, the face. Pure outrage until the Major let the laptop slip a bit between his fingers. There was so much panic for a moment that even Martin started to feel bad, before it switched to brooding. 

He knows the two have some kind of friendship, or maybe hateship, going on, but honestly, he sees a few very, very cold showers in the Majors future. The man is a lot braver than Martin. But it seems to be effective, because McKay is actually eating. And watching his laptop, which sits harmlessly in the Majors lap, like a hawk.  

“So, this planet has a lot of interesting readings I hear?” 
McKay bristles before he takes his look from his holy laptop and slants it to the Colonel. “If I say yes, will I be safe from more useless questions, you wouldn’t understand the real answers, even if I tried to explain it like I would to an highschooler?” 

It speaks quite a bit for the Colonel that his first reaction is a snort. Maybe the citrus thing wasn’t really done in bad faith? But wouldn’t matter either way, if they are here to fuck with their prime team. “Come on now, McKay. I am not just a pretty face. Carter does explain her thing to us.” 

McKay blinks. “Who told you that you are pretty?” But then he shakes his head. “Nevermind. What do I care what some country flowers think? And Carters and my things are on vastly different scales. Try imagine the difference between golf and football.” 

The Colonel only stretches his long legs out in front of him, leaning against the trunk of a tree. “Only means she can do it and you don’t.” Before winking at McKay. “There are some pretty nice country flowers out there. Don’t knock it, before you have tried it. If they would let you, that is.” 

Gold. So much pure gold.  
Reed is taking another bite to hide his own smile while the Major just starts looking resigned. And yup, Martin can see McKays blood pressure rising like a spring flood. Damn it. Who would have thought that Mitchell is actually a funny guy? 

But on the other hand, he didn’t save them weekly and Martin honestly likes McKay. That guy is such a refreshing well of honesty. What you see is what you get. Sadly that’s rarer than one would like to think. 

“Carter was pretty decent as she had the command, but I haven’t seen her much in the labs at the time.” He has no idea if that has any chance of stopping the incoming rant, but he has to try. A bit. 
Lornes look tells him that it probably won't be enough. Ah well, he tried. 

McKay huffs. “I will not fall for that. As if I would say anything that would have you guys ship me out to Siberia again. Fuck off. If you want to know what’s going on here, read the reports. My time is too valuable to contend myself with brainless flyboys.” 

Ah. Martin heard about that and seems like the paranoia is still strong in the Doc. And good thing the SGC kind of made all of them into Marines. More or less. They didn’t want to deal with all the foreign ranks, that they could barely write and even less speak. Which means, Reed and he didn’t just get insulted. 
The Major and Colonel on the other hand.. 

Lorne just rolls his eyes. “Charming.” 
“I said brainless”, McKay mutters, back to staring at his laptop and eating on automatic. “But if you want to take offense, be my guest.” 
“I am offended”, Mitchell grumbles. “I want at least be called Colonel brainless flyboy.” 

Reed snorts amused and Martin stares surprised at him. Holy shit. Mitchell is getting to his Lieutenant! He can’t let that man alone for three hours! This is all the Majors fault! Which he gives an unimpressed look, that should tell the man that he played that gamble wrong. All he gets for his effort is a small grin that has him wondering.  

“You are not that funny”, McKay replies absently and Mitchell shrugs. “And you are not that bad. Guess we both have to live to be disappointed.”  

Martin blinks, almost as much thrown by that curveball as McKay obviously is. Reed, that little traitor, just continues to eat. Like he took himself out of the game. Something is going so wrong right now and he has no idea from where it’s coming from. Shouldn’t their Major not be throwing in some oil into the fire? Give hints? Give anything? 

But all the man does, is the same as usual. Containing McKay and controlling the mission. At least he is doing that, since the little altercation with the citrus.  Did they get it wrong somehow?  
No.  
Right? 

McKay eats the last of his MRE, puts it away and holds his hands out. The Major takes the laptop and gives it over. Or at least it appears like it, because he holds onto it, as the scientist grabs it. “Don’t make me regret taking the overnighter. No walking around alone in the middle of the night again, just because you got some new readings. Got that?” 

“Yes, yes Major. Only walking around near the light every two hours. No uppers. No fainting. Yadda, yadda. You can skip the whole speech. Heard it often enough.” 
Lorne lets go, but doesn’t look convinced. “I swear McKay. If I have to go super nanny on you again, I will sit you down with a whole platoon of marines and have you watch the Superbowl.” 

Martin would never, not even in a thousand years, have thought about a threat like that, but for once it looks as if it works. McKay actually looks a bit spooked, before nodding, holding the laptop to his chest and wandering off to his spot again.  

But then he has to grin, and throws Lorne a look. “Super nanny, Major?” He gets a chilly smile as answer. “You want to make sure he follows all his rules, Seargent?” Martins smile deepens. “Nono, it looks like you have it all well in hand, Sir.” 
“Thats what I thought.”