Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Major League Baseball.

Thirty teams divided into two groups, American League and National League.
Each League is similarly divided into three minor leagues. Western, Central and Eastern.

The New York Yankees are considered to be the best baseball team of all time. The most successful.

Well, this season, things might change.

As the championship final gets closer and closer, it seems the Yankees are getting outshined by the Seattle Mariners and the team's star batter: Derek Shepherd.

As faith would have it, Derek Christopher Shepherd was actually born in New York.
After witnessing the death of his father, he and his family moved to Seattle so that his older sisters could enter one of the most renowned medical programs in country.

As for Derek, he had shown interest in the medical field like his sisters, but in the end, baseball turned out to be more appealing to him.
He was in med school at Bowdoin, playing in the college's team, when he started to climb the ladder that would've led him where he is now:

T-Mobile Park. Seattle Mariners' stadium.
The first game against the Yankees.
If the Mariners win, they'll have very good chances of winning the championship and finally depose the tyrants.
If they don't, they'll have to suck it up and roll up their sleeves to win.

It's the eight inning and they're tied 4-4. With two batters out Derek remains the last one for the Mariners. And he's doing one hell of a job. After three pitches he's already in second base, he seems unstoppable.

As he listened to the crowd cheering, he couldn't help but feel a pang of excitement. This was his element, this was where he belonged. Playing professional baseball was his passion, his life.
While waiting for the perfect moment to move towards the third base, he stole a glance to the opposite team's dugout.
The coach had decided to change the pitcher at the last minute and was shouting orders at all the other players.

The whistle broke him out of his trance and Derek returned his focus on the game.
After the pitch, he follows the ball with his eyes. He hears the crack of the bat against the ball and doesn't hesitate before starting to run.
He doesn't look at the ball anymore, with bat hitting it at that angle, Derek knows it might even end up on the bleachers.

He's fast, he knows it, everyone knows it.
Derek runs, he's almost at the base when he feels something (someone?) very big crashing into his side and sending him flying to the ground with a sickening thud.

Everything is black. Silent.

But then it isn't.

Derek opens his eyes. His body throbbing, his breathing erratic, his ears are ringing and he can hear his heart thumping faster and faster.
The cheering of the crowd is distant and muffled, like his teammates' voices calling his name.
The grass tickled his face and that's when he felt the stinging pain in his left cheek.

Derek feels strong hands shaking his shoulders roughly but he can't bring himself to get up. Panic surges through him as he tries to move but the pain is too great.

The shaking stops.

Derek can hear his heavy breathing in his ears but can't bring himself to slow it down.
His eyes are wide, darting around as he tries to find a familiar sight, something that might help him calm down but everything is so chaotic around him, everyone is moving around, closing in until he's completely surrounded.

Derek thinks he might be on the brink of suffocation, his eyes began to close against his will, as if he was just too weak to stay awake. But he knew he couldn't give in, he didn't want to. The thought of letting go and just falling asleep made him feel terrified, an emotion he wasn't used to. His mind kept swirling with the worst case scenarios. What if he couldn't play anymore after this? What if he gave in and didn't wake up? What then?

These thoughts were invading his hazy mind and he scrunched up his face in an attempt to keep his eyes open.
And then... The crowd dispersed all of a sudden. He looks around but can't see nothing.
Eventually, something small and delicate brushed a strand of hair away from his face. A hand.

"Derek? Derek?" he heard a soft voice calling out to him. He turned his head slowly as he regained control of his breathing.
A blonde woman was hovering over him.

When she saw he was looking at her she continued.
"Derek I'm a doctor, I'm going to roll you over"

Derek manages a small, weak nod. The sound of her voice speaking to him was helping him stay conscious.

Derek felt her hands snake around him and grunted as she rolled him on his back.

The sky came into view. The sun was not there anymore, obscured by the clouds.
Now it was a dull grey and Derek felt the first few raindrops fall onto his aching body. Typical Seattle. He would've smiled if he hadn't been in an excruciating amount of pain.

The woman came into view too, a paramedic, judging from her uniform. She looked like she was assessing his injuries.
"Stay awake, okay?"
She expertly positioned a collar around his neck, put a mask over his mouth and nose and soon after he was loaded onto a gurney and wheeled away from the field.
He watched as his teammates gave him thumbs up and encouraged him.

Once he was far from the field, the sounds began to become clearer. In fact, as he was loaded into the ambulance, he heard his mother's voice calling out to him. Derek tried to move but the collar paired up with the pain made it impossible.
His mother and his youngest sister Amelia called out to him, asking the EMTs how he was. That was the last thing he heard before he couldn't take it anymore and everything went black again.

Chapter Text

The white around him almost blinded him.
Derek had just opened his eyes but he had to close them right away because of the strong light. As he slowly came to, he mentally assessed his injuries.

His head was throbbing in the worst way possible, it felt as if someone was using it as a tambourine.
His left cheekbone stung too. Derek gingerly touched the area and winced immediately. He could feel the tense skin underneath the big band aid that had been placed on his cheek.
As for the rest of his body, it all ached terribly. Especially his ribs on his right side.

When he was finally able to open his eyes, he saw that he wasn't alone.
A blonde doctor with light blue scrubs was checking what he presumed to be his chart at the end of the bed.
It wasn't long before he recognized her.

"You..." He managed with his voice rough from sleep.

Her head immediately snapped up and a small reassuring smile formed on her face.
"Welcome back. Do you remember me?"
She asked while getting closer to check his vitals.

"Yeah. You were there"

"Good, it's a good sign that you remember me. I'm Dr Grey and I'll be taking care of you until you'll feel better. Can you tell me what else you remember?"

Derek's brow furrowed in concentration as he tried to recall the events of the night, action that caused his headache to intensify slightly.
"I think someone hit me. I was on the ground and I couldn't hear anything. Then I saw you and... Oh God. My mother
she's— where is she? She must be worried sick and my sister—"

He stopped when he felt her hands on his shoulder and his head turned abruptly in her direction which caused him to wince and bring a hand up to cradle his head.

"Hey, you need to slow down, okay? Don't push yourself, you did good. You've suffered a concussion, you have four stitches in your cheek and a few cracked ribs so all you have to think about is resting" The doctor spoke in a soft voice so as not to aggravate his headache.

Derek nodded in defeat and she moved towards the light switch and dimmed the lights.
"As for your mother and sister they've stayed here a while but visiting hours are over. They'll be informed that you woke up and you'll be able to see them tomorrow"

"Thank you"

Dr Grey nodded politely and sat in the chair beside the bed.
"Mr Shepherd can you tell me how bad the pain is on a scale from one to ten?" She asked in a low voice.

"Uhm, I think eight or nine?" Derek answered quietly.

"Okay then I'll give you some painkillers, but they'll make you very drowsy"
Dr Grey stood up and as soon as she injected the medicine, Derek started to feel groggy, his body sank into the mattress and his eyelids were beginning to droop.

All of a sudden, he felt a surge of helplessness wash over him as he fought to stay awake.

He was back lying on the field. Struggling to remain vigil while everything around him was blurred and muffled.

Derek's eyes began to water because of the struggle.
He felt like he was losing control.
Like he was giving in.
The thought of succumbing to the pull of exhaustion scared him like it did hours ago.
But he knew it was a lost fight.

He felt a familiar hand on his shoulder, stroking it, squeezing it gently, trying to get him to give in.
Dr Grey stood above him. She could see it in his eyes, how terrified he was.
"Derek, it's okay. You can let go, nothing is going to happen to you"

Derek met her gaze through squinted eyes. He swallowed a lump in his throat, his breathing quickening slightly.
"I...I don't want to fall asleep"
He stuttered, a tear finally escaped his teary eyes and traced a path down his uninjured cheek.

Dr Grey sat on the edge of the bed and her hand moved to cup his cheek wiping the tear away. The sight was heartbreaking.
She gently pushed him back to lie down and her hand went up to bury itself in his hair, desperately trying to soothe him like she had done on the field.
"Shh, I know you don't but it's okay. You need this. Nothing is going to happen I promise"

Derek swallowed again but relaxed under her ministrations and finally allowed himself to drift off with a shaky exhale.

Dr Grey kept stroking his hair until his breath had evened out.
She was still a resident, but in her few months of internship sometimes, rarely, she had seen people afraid of falling asleep because of painkillers or anesthetics. As if they thought they weren't going to wake up again.
Derek was no different, it was obvious.
But apparently, she had never thought that someone like him, strong and confident, could ever feel like that, scared and vulnerable.

Eventually, she had to leave, but cast one last glance towards him, to make sure that he was still sleeping peacefully.

It was way past sunrise when Derek opened his eyes again. If he had to be completely honest, he was starting to get tired of this constant falling asleep.

The pain was a constant presence, in his head, his cheek and in his right side, especially his ribs.
He felt tired, like he desperately wanted a break but couldn't seem to catch one.

Glancing outside the window, he noticed it was still raining and this time a small smile tugged at his lips despite everything. He liked the rain. It calmed him, soothed him. He liked the soft rain, the almost invisible drizzle. The feeling of raindrops hitting his skin.
However what he didn't like were storms.
They didn't scare him or anything but he absolutely _hated_ having to play during storms. The ground always got all muddy and slippery and made running a real challenge.

That's when something flashed into his mind. THE GAME.
Shit. Shit
He had to know how it went.
Pushing away his headache as best he could, he looked around for his laptop until he spotted his bag in a corner.

With a deep breath, Derek swung his legs off the side of the bed and instantly regretted it. Pain shot through his right side and he clutched his ribs.
Groaning, he pushed himself to his feet, shivering as the cold floor made contact with his skin.
He took a few tentative steps and stumbled, so he leaned against the wall.

The pain was almost unbearable, so much that he was gasping for air.
He had barely made two steps and was already sweating. He was about to push himself off the wall to continue his quest but a familiar voice stopped him.

"You shouldn't be on your feet yet"
Dr Grey started while getting closer to him to help him back to bed.

"I'm fine I just need a second" Derek lied breathlessly, leaving his forehead against the cool surface of the wall.

"Yeah, no, I don't believe you, sorry" Dr Grey insisted and wrapped an arm around his back, supporting his frame while trying not to hurt him even more.
"You have a concussion and cracked ribs. You shouldn't be up and about like this and I'm pretty sure you realized that too"

"I'm fine, just a little headache" Derek continued stubbornly, but didn't resist when Dr Grey shook her head, seeing right through his lie but instead she decided to focus on walking him back to the bed.
He lay down with a soft grunt of pain and Dr Grey went to check his vitals.

For the first time since his accident, Derek realized that he wasn't on the brink of sleep. He was tired, yes, but he didn't feel like sleeping, since the last two times happened against his will.
Being a pretty talkative person, he wanted to speak to someone. His family his teammates. Anyone.
Even the doctor here.
Actually, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he really wanted to talk to her. She seemed to be so patient and caring with him, a far cry from the grumpy and no-nonsense pediatrician that had assisted him when he broke his wrist when he was ten.
Or from the physiotherapist of the team who was always off to God-knows-where on vacation whenever he was needed.

Dr Grey looked more... Open, but at the same time closed off. She was good with words but her actions, but her touch had proven to be much more effective on him. And Derek knew she had noticed that.
She was looking at his chart like her life depended on it, like if she missed one single thing, a note or whatever, something disastrous was going to happen. Every once in a while she glanced up at the machines around him and then scribbled something else on the chart, biting her lower lip in concentration.
She was wearing light blue scrubs so she was just an intern, or was it a resident? Derek couldn't remember, his knowledge about doctors and hospitals came exclusively from his sisters who were probably somewhere in the hospital working.

Derek was so focused on his doctor that he had forgotten about the match already and had also failed to notice that she was looking directly at him, just like he had been doing for the past five minutes.

"Do you need something?"
Dr Grey asked, trying to get him to stop looking at her.

Derek's eyes visibly widened and he blinked a few times before focusing his eyes on the bedsheets, suddenly very interested in the fabric.
"Oh no, you know I was just... Thinking"
He stammered awkwardly, feeling his cheeks redden.

Okay, so, Derek Shepherd. A Star MLB player, used to having attention from everyone, to be right under the spotlight, was blushing more than a teenage boy on his first date. And he does remember his first date.

Dr Grey nodded, feeling a bit pleased that she had managed to make him blush. She had to lower her head to hide her small smile.

But Derek had managed to catch a glimpse of it. The sight of it melted his heart, somehow and made him smile too, despite knowing that she was practically mocking him. It intrigued him.
So he summoned every bit of confidence the pain and the headache hadn't wiped away and asked.
"Hey what's your name?"

Dr Grey was actually taken slightly aback, not expecting him to ask her for her name at all. Patients usually don't ask for their doctors' names. Unless they're flirting.
"Meredith"
She replied shortly, leaving no room for any further conversation.

"So, are all surgeons part-time EMTs or is it just you?" Derek asked with a hint of sarcasm, trying to distract himself from the growing pain in his side.

Meredith's eyes widened for a second. Busted.
"Oh, please being a intern is hard enough thank you very much. It's a long story, for another time"
After checking a few things she was on her way to the door but stopped abruptly.
"What were you doing on your feet earlier?"

"Oh, right yes. Can you pass me my laptop? It should be in the bag, the pocket on the left."

Meredith found it in no time and handed it to him. She watched as he fumbled a bit with it, typing and scrolling almost frantically before stopping altogether and lowering his head with a sigh.
New York Yankees win 7-6

Dread took over Derek's body and he couldn't help but think he should've done more.
Maybe if he got up afterwards the team could've made it.

Meanwhile, seeing his expression, Meredith inched closer, peeking at the screen and seeing the result.
She felt a pang of disappointment for him. She didn't know a lot about baseball, but she had heard about Derek and the team on the news and from what she had gauged, that match was pretty important.
Even if she didn't know whether it was the best choice or not, Meredith put a hand on his shoulder, a gesture that had become common between them during the last few hours.

But before she could utter any word of comfort he looked up with a determined look on his face.
"I will be able to play again, right?"

"Yeah, you didn't break anything apart from your cheekbone, but you'll need to take it easy for a while. We're still not sure when you'll be able to play to the best of your capabilities, yet."

Derek nodded, seemingly unfazed by the news. The important thing for him was that he was going to play again, in the meantime he could only hope that the team didn't lose any more games.

They didn't speak for a while. She could see the resolution in his eyes, mixed with a hint of anger. It took Meredith a few moments before she realized her hand was still on his shoulder, but decided to leave it there since he hadn't shown any sign of disapproval.

The door opened suddenly and Meredith retreated her hand harshly.
A horde of people came in and Derek's eyes widened. Leading the group was a woman dressed in pink scrubs, Nancy. Followed by two women, one wearing light grey scrubs, Kathleen and the other wasn't wearing scrubs but was still dressed elegantly, Liz. Lastly, came an elder woman with a young girl who was probably in her mid-twenties, Carolyn and Amelia.

Meredith carefully got closer to the group, momentarily preventing them from getting too close to the bed from which Derek was looking at them with a half-annoyed, half-relieved expression. Of course hee was happy to see them, but at the same time, seeing them all together at the same time felt like they were just fussing over him.

"Good morning I'm Dr Grey, Derek's doctor. Mrs Shepherd could I talk to you for a minute?"

"Of course, call me Carolyn"

Meredith nodded and the two of them exited the room, while the sisters turned to Derek, who acknowledged their presence with a half wave of his hand and a resigned expression on his face.
"Just my luck, with all the hospitals in Seattle, they brought me where three of my four sisters work." He joked.

"I don't work here" protested Liz with a frown.

"Oh please, you're the hospital's go to psychologist, Liz, everyone knows you here" Nancy rebutted, rolling her eyes.

"It's not my fault if the doctors here are more traumatised than most of the patients"

"Nice to know I'm not the only one who noticed that" spoke up Kathleen.

While the three sisters, continued their gossip-fueled conversation, Amelia stood there in silence without a clue what they were talking about.
That was until Derek called her name and motioned for her to get closer to him.
Although Amelia loved all of her siblings, she had always felt the closest to Derek, especially after their father's death, and it was the same for Derek.
"Hey, how's Columbia treating you?" He asked with a low voice, not wanting the other sisters to hear.

"Good, just a few exams then I'm done"

"Mmh, that's nice" he smiled proudly.
"How about...the other thing?"
He asked tentatively.

Amelia knew what he was talking about.
"It's... Okay, I think. I'm going to the meetings and it's been almost ten months since I last used."

"Good, I'm proud of you. C'mere"
He said, extending his arms.

Amelia sat on the edge of the bed and hugged him tightly trying not to cause him pain.
"Mom was worried sick."

Derek sighed. "Yeah, I figured"

Just then, the door opened again, Derek and Amelia pulled apart and the sisters interrupted their conversation.
Carolyn came in and sat on the side of the bed that wasn't occupied by Amelia and hugged her son, pulling him in an embrace that was gentle and at the same time suffocating but in a good way.

After a while, Meredith quietly left the room, softly closing the door behind her. Almost nobody noticed it, except for Derek who had been subtly eyeing her all the time. Not in a creepy way, he just looked at her from time to time as she stood there quite awkwardly, probably not knowing what to do or say.

"Talking about traumatized..." murmured Nancy to Kathleen as soon as Meredith closed the door.

Derek, unlike Liz, Amelia and his mother, had noticed the exchange and frowned, wondering what they were talking about.

"You know, you took quite the hit" commented Amelia after a while.

"About that, what happened? I just remember something like, slamming into me and then..."

"More like someone." Said Liz.

Derek looked at her, waiting to hear more.
Instead, Liz asked
"Where's your laptop?"

"My bag on the left"

He watched as his sister started rummaging through his bag before taking out the computer and handing it to him.
On it, a video starting from the point in the game where Derek entered the field. He quickly skipped to the part when he was in the second base base, ready to run.

And then he saw it.
As soon as he started to run, a Yankee player who was twice his size, was running while keeping his eyes exclusively on the ball, crashed into him almost violently.

Derek sighed, a pang of disappointment hitting him. So now he was stuck in a bed because a huge moron, both literally and figuratively, didn't pay attention to where he was going. Great, just great.

Derek spent the rest of the day with his family, Meredith came in every now and then and while he found it pleasing to have her around, Derek had noticed his sisters eyeing her in strange ways.

Chapter Text

Derek's mother and sisters left after lunch so that he could rest, but Nancy and Kathleen stopped by once in a while.

It was around five in the afternoon, outside it was still pouring and Derek stared out of the window as Meredith checked his vitals like she did every two hours.
"How's the pain?" She asked with a low tone, not wanting to disturb him too much in case he had a headache.

Derek scrunched up his nose, grimacing.
"It's worse than the last time, guess the painkiller is wearing off"

"Yeah it probably is. I can give you another dose."

Derek hesitated, his eyes darting around the room as he thought about her proposition.
"Will it make me drowsy like last time?"
He eventually asked, unsure.

Meredith understood the reason behind his question.
"I can give you a lower dosage. You won't feel tired but it won't have the same effect against the pain."

"Okay" Derek said, almost without hesitating.

Meredith complied and Derek felt his muscles relaxing, but he still managed to keep control of his body and remain awake.
"Thank you"

Meredith nodded and smiled warmly at him. However, she immediately scolded herself for it, telling herself she should be more professional instead of smiling at her patients.
So her smile fell almost immediately and Derek obviously noticed. However, just as he was about to mention it to her, came a knock at the door.
The both of them turned in its direction and saw a tall blond man poke his head into the room.
"Look at you, you're still alive"

The man's grave voice echoed into the room and Derek rolled his eyes.
"Ha ha, very funny Mark"

"Oh come on, smile a little. You'll be playing again in no time" The man, Mark Sloan, Derek's teammate, smiled and entered the room closing the door. As soon as he saw Meredith, the smile morphed into a smirk and he continued.
"Meanwhile, you seem to have found yourself a very nice and... Attractive company."

Derek was sure that if he rolled his eyes once again, they would've ended up in the back of his head.
"Oh God, I thought the visiting hours were over" he muttered exasperatedly.
"Please don't listen to him he's just... Mark." he said turning to Meredith who seemed to be trying to contain a giggle.

"As much as I'm enjoying the flattery I'm afraid visiting hours really are over" Meredith eventually announced, still striving to hide a smile.

"Fine fine. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone and come back tomorrow"
Mark smirked wiggling his eyebrows and heading towards the door.

Derek's eyes widened and he glared at his friend, the impulse to throw him a pillow was becoming stronger by the second.
"Oh my god Mark" Derek growled, much louder than he had intented to.

His teammate eventually exited the room with a smirk and a wink while Meredith watched with an amused expression on her face.

She then turned to Derek who was slumped in bed, his eyes fixated on the ceiling even though his eyelids were starting to drop, letting his exhaustion take over.
Meredith could see he was weakly trying to fight off the tiredness. She got closer, her hand finding his shoulder once again.
Feeling her touch, his eyes opened again.
"You need to rest" came her whisper.

Derek's mind was hazy because of the painkiller, but he had heard her well. Still, his eyes remained on her, tracing her features almost reverently.
Her blond soft-looking hair, the green-blue eyes, the gentle slope of her nose. His fingers were itching to run through those hair, trace her features, take her hand in his.
A drunken smile spread on his face, his hand reaching up.

Meredith felt self conscious under his admiring gaze, never in her life someone had looked at her like that, like she was the most beautiful thing in the world.
The feeling of his knuckles against her cheek caught her by suprise, making her gasp. But at the same time it was so tender, so adoring, that she couldn't help but lean into it, eyes closing and a soft sigh escaping her lips.
"You're so pretty" he muttered with a look of stupor on his face.

However, she snapped out of it, not because she wanted to, but because she had to. "And you're unbelievably high" she murmured, but he didn't hear her. She couldn't get this close to her patients, it was so unprofessional and generally wrong.
She grasped his wrist loosely, wanting him to close his eyes and rest so that he wouldn't be looking at her like that anymore. But he had other plans.
Derek slipped his hand into hers and brought it to his hair while looking at her with a child-like grin that made him look utterly adorable, unfortunately for her.
Meredith understood right away and started to run her fingers through his curls like she had done before. Derek melted completely, his hand returned to his side and his eyes closed.

Meredith stared at him even after he had fallen asleep, taking in his relaxed features, a long shot from the seriousness and focus of the star baseball player.
A completely new side of him was splayed out in front of her, a side she knew he probably didn't like to show, preferring to keep on his calm and collected facade.
Eventually, Meredith left the room to return to her intern duties, but not without glancing at sleeping Derek one last time.

Chapter Text

Derek can't remember the last time he slept so much. After falling asleep in the late afternoon, he had woken up around six in the morning when the nurses came over to check his vitals.
Despite being still in pain, he had refused the anesthetic the nurses had offered to give him, not wanting to sleep anymore.
Actually, he was tired of sleeping, if such a thing even existed.

So, he laid there, staring at the ceiling while trying to assess his current situation.

What was it? Ah, yes.

Fractured ribs, concussion, a fading bruise on his cheek and a general pain that shot through his right side.

He wasn't in such a bad state after all. But he knew he needed time to heal properly.

His thoughts were cut short when the door opened and a familiar face framed by blond hair came into view.
"Good morning, how are you feeling?"

Derek looked at her and smiled. It felt like his day had just become a bit brighter.
"I've been worse"
Derek shrugs.

Meredith entered in full doctor-mode, going over his chart looking for any updates and checking his vitals as usual.
"The nurses told me you refused the anesthetic."

Derek's face hardened, but not in a bad way, he just wasn't too happy at the thought of her trying to convince him to take the painkillers.
"Listen, if you're here to talk to me into taking it you can—"

"I can't do that, I won't do that. I just would like to know why"

He was at a loss of words, not feeling comfortable revealing the reason behind his refusal. So he said the first thing that crossed his mind.
"I... I just thought that the pain might still linger in the future so I might as well get used to it"

Meredith nodded but she knew it was a lie, she knew his rejection of any treatment against his pain most probably came from his fear of losing control.
He was always used to being in control, focused. He had to be, and it seemed like not being able to control his body scared the hell out of him.

Meredith couldn't blame him though. As a surgical intern she needed to be concentrated and fix her attention on her training, one small mistake was enough to exclude her from the program and she had been very lucky so far. Her resident, Dr Bailey, was exigent, strict but still she recognized her potential and talent.

"It's totally normal to be in pain right now, you took quite the hit there"
She tried to reassure him.

Derek shrugged, putting all of his nonchalance into it.
"Hazards of the job" he said, as if he had been through hell and back and this was just a simple scratch.

Meredith had to resist rolling her eyes at him. Trying to downplay his situation wasn't going to help him.

"So, looks like your head is doing better and your ribs are healing nicely. Keep it up and you'll be discharged before tomorrow"
Meredith finally announced after going through his chart one more time.

Derek's head shot up which only made his pain worse, but he didn't care right now.
"Really" he asked with hope in his voice.

"Yes, tonight at best"

Derek was happy. Finally. Derek couldn't wait to leave this room and go back to the comfort of his home and, most importantly, his bed. Being an early riser didn't necessarily mean he didn't like to sleep. He loved a good night of sleep after a game or a training session. The softness of the bed, the smell of his pillow and the warmth of the sheets.

Night fell, eventually. It was past 10 PM, when Meredith entered his room with a wheelchair, ready to guide him out, expecting to find him dressed in his regular clothes waiting for her along with the person who would've driven him home.
But he was in bed still in his gown and alone.
"Hi, ready to go home?" Meredith asked tentatively.

Derek was so lost in thought he hadn't even heard her come in.
"Oh, uh, I think we'll have to postpone. My sister can't pick me up tonight"
He pressed his lips in a thin line with a resigned expression. It was clear that he was disappointed but tried to hide it.

"There's no one else who can come?"

"No, mom's back in New York. Amy's in college so it's a big no and the others are working late. Emergency"

She didn't know why but Meredith felt her heart break a little at the sight of his defeated look. Maybe it was because she had come to like him in the few days he had stayed at the hospital.
His charming grin that lit up the room, the soft and gentle eyes and the even softer dark curls. Perhaps it was the way he had looked at her last night, even if he was high as a kite. Or how he liked it when she stroked his hair.
Everything made her come to the conclusion that Star Baseball player Derek Shepherd hid a layer of sweetness and affection underneath the cocky and confident exterior.

An idea suddenly popped into her mind, but it didn't feel exactly appropriate. She really wanted to help him but the fear of crossing the line didn't appeal to her, especially since he was already feeling so discouraged.
She tried to talk herself out of it. She was his doctor it was unprofessional on so many levels not to mention that he might not be okay with it.
But what if he said yes?
To hell with it, Bailey already hates me anyway
"I could give you a ride" she blurted out without even acknowledging it until it was too late.

Derek was looking at her with gaping eyes, she could see the spark of hope in them. But it vanished as quickly as it had appeared.
"I can't ask you to do that"

One thing about Meredith Grey: she's very stubborn.
"I'm offering, it wouldn't be a problem for me. But it's okay if you feel like I'm overstepping"

"What about tonight? I have a concussion, the neurologist said I can't stay alone in the house, that there always has to be someone else. No one will be at home before tomorrow morning"

"I could stay, but not if I'm crossing some boundaries. Which would be totally understandable"
What on Earth was she saying???

Derek was almost incredulous.
"Why are you so keen on getting me home? Why not just save yourself some trouble and discharge me tomorrow?"

Fair questions. Great now he probably thought she was some kind of weirdo.
Nervousness started to rise.
"I know it sounds weird but I also know that you want to go home, and rightfully so. You're used to playing almost everyday. Lots of pressure and nerves. Going home feels like one step closer to going back onto the field"

"That's... Pretty accurate"
This girl was not a surgeon she was a psychologist. That or he was very easy to read. Not that she wasn't too, but still.

Meredith was silent, waiting for his verdict and time seemed to stretch. Every second felt like a minute.
Two options. He accepted or he thought she was creepy and asked for a different doctor.

"Okay, doc. Let's go home"

The ride to his house was quiet, except for when Derek told Meredith where to turn.
He had warned her, told her that he lived pretty far away from the hospital, but she didn't think he lived that far.

Derek Shepherd lived in a trailer on a giant land that was completely empty, except for the aforementioned trailer.

There, Derek enjoyed the quiet of nature, fished at a small lake nearby whenever he had time and had the space to improve his batting skills.
Sometimes, during a random hike, he would find an old baseball he had hit too hard and sent into the depth of the woods surrounding the land.

When they got there, Meredith's eyes widened and Derek could see that she was shocked.

"Not what you expected, huh?" Derek asked, lips pressed in a thin line.

She didn't like it, he was convinced that she didn't like it.
Not that it really mattered, he didn't know why he cared so much whether she liked where he lived or not.

But still, he could feel disappointment creeping in, mixing with the exhaustion that was clawing at him.

He waited.
Meredith got out of the car and got closer to the trailer, taking in every detail from the small deck that supported it to the butterfly lights strung overhead that illuminated the entire trailer.

Derek got out of the car too. The water was suffocating him, he needed air. He was leaning against his car, admiring the way the lights cast a golden halo around her rather petite figure.

"It's not what I expected, no" she eventually said, walking back to him.
"If you had told me I wouldn't have believed it"

The words stung, they felt like a knife twisting in his chest.
He looked away, trying to keep the wave of disappointment from overwhelming him completely.
He didn't even know why her opinion was so important to him, she was just his doctor. He probably wasn't going to see her ever again.

"But I see it now"
She continued.

Derek couldn't believe his ears.

"It's so... You. I like it"

A smile spread over his face and Meredith could swear she has never seen anything brighter.

She didn't even know where her words were coming from. She barely knew him.

But they felt right, so right.

So she smiled back and beckoned him to follow her inside.

Derek nodded and they both walked on the deck, he unlocked the door to the small trailer, but froze once they were both inside.

The space was pretty tight, but liveable for one or two people max.

Right in front of the door, there was a small kitchenette with a table. Forwards, a door on the right led to what she presumed to be a small bathroom and at the far end a wardrobe and a bed.

Wait.

A bed.

One bed.

So that's why he had frozen immediately.

There wasn't even a couch so there was no getting out of it.

Derek turned to her, an apologetic look on his face.
"Shit, I'm so sorry I completely forgot about it"

Meredith was stunned for a moment, starting at the bed before her eyes moved to Derek's.
"No, I'm sorry I basically invited myself here, I shouldn't have... I should..."

She should what? What should she do?
She couldn't leave him alone. And there was no one else he could call.

"You didn't invite yourself, if this wasn't okay for me I would've refused so this is on me" he tried to reassure her.

"Well it wasn't very professional of me to offer you this in the first place..."
She protested.

"Well you could always take me back to the hospital" he shrugged, only half joking.

Meredith let out a stifled laugh but quickly returned serious.
"Now my boss already hates me, this would be the last straw"

"Damn what did you do?" Derek asked with a smirk, playfulness evident in his voice.

"It's a long story" Meredith answered, not sure whether to tell him or not.

"We've got plenty of time" Derek shrugged, gesturing to the bed.

Meredith gave in and followed him to the bed. Derek turned on the bedside lamp, brightening up the small space of the trailer.
He shrugged off his leather jacket and hung it on a rack before moving to stand behind her and gesturing to her own coat.
"May I?"

Meredith swallowed at the feel of him so close, his breath hitting her neck.
She nodded, not trusting her own voice.
A shiver ran down her spine as she felt his hands gently peeling the coat off her shoulders. She hoped he couldn't see the blush spreading on her face in the dim light of the lamp.
An exhale left her when he walked away, hanging her coat near his.

"Would you like something to drink?" He offered.

"N-no. Thank you though" her voice was still shaky.

"Okay, uhm, I can lend you some clothes to sleep in and then, maybe, you could tell me that story. How does that sound?"

For someone with a concussion and bruised ribs, he was being incredibly sweet, careful. As if he had forgotten all about his injuries and was focused on making her feel comfortable.

"Thank you, that would be great. And thank you for being so hospitable, almost feels like I'm the injured one"
She smiled in an attempt to mask the effect he had on her. But underneath, she really was grateful and Derek could see that.

With a smile, he handed her a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and pointed her the door to the bathroom, which was where she had imagined.

Meredith took her time, getting changed slowly and letting the suppressed feelings of the last few hours wash over her.

The exhaustion came first, followed by the shock of being at Derek Shepherd's place. Most specifically, the shock of being about to sleep in the same bed as Derek Shepherd.
Eventually, came the insecurity. She wasn't sure about what she was doing anymore. She couldn't do anything but go along with whatever this was.

Meredith exited the bathroom and found herself face to face with Derek's bare back. She froze on the spot, like a deer caught in headlights. Her heart raced as she stared at the muscles flexing as he tied his light blue pijama bottoms.
The lamp cast a yellowish glow on his body, highlighting the green-yellow spot on his right side.
She swallowed, fighting to tear her eyes away. She could practically feel the strength in his shoulders.

Finally, he put a shirt on, hiding his skin and she sighed in relief.

However, when he turned around, it was his turn to stare.
From the way her lips were slightly parted, he could tell she had just seen him shirtless.

And there she stood, his doctor, dressed in his clothes that were too big for her, making her look even smaller.

And so adorable.

The strings of the sweatpants were pulled completely and tied tightly so that they wouldn't fall.
The t-shirt was also too large. The collar was so big it hung off one of her shoulders, revealing a patch of tender skin. Meredith had tried to adjust it a few times but eventually decided it was no use.
The light coming from the bathroom was stronger than the one exuded from the lamp, and it enveloped her, making her look almost angelic.

He tore his gaze away, his focus shifting on the blankets of the bed as he pulled them back and sat down on the left side, which was the one he usually slept on.

Meredith sat on the other side beside him, the bed was relatively large for one person but for two... It was a bit tight but it was either this or the floor. Actually, now that she thought about it, so far Derek seemed the kind of person that wouldn't let anyone sleep on the floor if he could do something about it.

They both got comfortable under the warm blankets. It started to rain at some points, the raindrops created a soothing drumming sound as they hit the hood of the trailer.
They lie on their backs, staring at the ceiling.

"So, that long story?" Derek eventually asked, turning to look at her.

"So curious" Meredith murmured teasingly.

Derek smirked and turned completely, laying on his side to look at her in the eyes properly.
"Well, from what I gather, whatever happened made it so that you were on the field that day, I think it's fair that I know how my doctor ended up there"

Meredith rolled her eyes at his smirk, but couldn't deny that he had a point.
She turned too, facing him.
"Okay, but you don't get to judge"

Derek nodded, eyes sparkling with curiosity.

"Okay, so, another resident fell in love with this patient who needed a new heart. He was about to get it but another patient worsened and the heart went to him. So this resident had the great idea to cut the wire that kept his heart beating so that UNOS would've been forced to give him a heart"

Meredith started to explain. It sounded even crazier now that she was talking about it out loud. Not only crazy but also incredibly wrong and unprofessional.

But Derek didn't seem to care. He was on his side, propped up on his elbow and he listened attentively.
"Wait so, she killed a patient so that he could get a new heart faster?" He asked in slight disbelief, but no sign of judgement.

Derek's summary sounded twisted, but it was surprisingly correct.

"Yeah, it doesn't sound good. Anyway my best friend found out and she dragged me into it and eventually the other two residents were involved too. The patient got the heart but if the chief knew my friend had cut the wire he would've fired her so me and the other residents took the blame. Simultaneously"

Derek looked flabbergasted now, she even spotted a hint of amusement on his face.
"Wow, talk about teamwork" he chuckled.

"I guess you know a thing or two about that, huh?"

"As I should"

"So we didn't get fired but we got punished. One week of EMT work each and no OR for a month" she sighed.

"Ouch. Must be tough. At least he got the heart, right?"

"Yeah but he died anyway" she admitted disappointedly.

"Oh, sorry" he murmured, his free hand going to brush a strand of hair away from her face.

He sounded genuinely sorrowful, her skin tingled in the spot where his fingers lingered on her face.
"Happens when you're a doctor. Thanks though" she managed a small smile.

Derek stared down at her, a small smile on his face as well. His hand was still near her head, just a few centimetres away from her hair. The sound of the rain outside soothed him, it always did, but this was a different kind of soothing.

It started from the outside, then expanded, until it was the only thing he could hear. The gentle sound alleviated his headache and the pain in his ribs. Nothing mattered now, there was nothing they could possibly do if not laying there together.

His eyes traveled over her face, taking in the gratefulness showed by the gentle smile and the sorrow in her eyes, brought by the thought of her friend losing a loved one.
As Derek's eyes roamed over her features, he felt a strange sense of déjà vu, like he had done it before. He didn't know when it had happened, but he had already observed her once. He already knew every feature. But he didn't mind looking at them again.

Meredith stared up at him too, taking in the way he was looking at her. His eyes seemed to sparkle, even in the dim light. She was very aware of the hand resting near her head.

He was doing it again. Derek was looking at her with that look, the same he had when he was high and was complimenting her. So gently, so sweetly.
But still drug-induced.

"You should get some sleep, doctor's orders" she murmured after a while, the smile growing wider as she teased him.

"Mmh bossy" he scrunched up his nose, but there was no malice behind it.

"Fine... Friend's suggestion" she retorted.

Derek chuckled, leaning down slightly.
"Oh so you're my friend now?"

Meredith hesitated, afraid she might've pushed too far.
"If you want me to be"

"Okay. Friends" he grinned, sticking his hand out for her to shake.

"Friends" she agreed, shaking his hand which was way bigger than hers.

His hand felt cold when she let go, but he pushed the feeling down and lay down on his side, still facing her.

Meredith mirrored his position, looking into his eyes. One arm wrapped around herself and the other stretched between them underneath the blankets.
"Do you need anything?" she whispered.

"No, I'm okay" he replied earnestly.

"Okay, good night then"

"Night"

After that, the trailer was dark and silent, except for the soft tapping of the rain outside and their soft breaths.

He knew her hand was nearby, he wanted to feel it in his bigger one again, but eventually shrugged it off and closed his eyes, focusing on the soft sounds of nature surrounding them.
It wasn't long before the pent up exhaustion of the last few days finally got the upper hand and pushed him over the brink of consciousness and into a dreamless sleep.

Chapter Text

Derek woke up wrapped up in the comfort of his own bed, finally.

The blankets were pulled up almost to his chin, the ideal during Seattle's typically chilly autumn mornings.
Outside it was still drizzling, the raindrops hitting his trailer were barely audible.
Despite being a morning person, this kind of weather made him want to stay in bed all day, soaking up in his warm blankets.

He normally would've gotten up at six or so, ready for an intense training session, but the sharp pain in his head and ribs reminded him that he wasn't going to train for a while, much to his disappointment. Might've as well enjoyed a quiet morning until his sister came.

So, he pulled up the blanket a bit more and wrapped his arms around a pillow, pulling it to his chest and inhaling its sweet scent.

It smelt like lavender, which was weird because he didn't remember buying a lavender scented detergent, but then again he was barely home these days and his sisters had the key to the trailer.
He liked that scent nonetheless.

Lavender aside, he also didn't remember his pillows to be this rigid. The one under his head was comfortable but the only in his arms was—

Oh.

Oh.

That's when Derek remembered that the one in his arms wasn't a pillow at all.

It was his doctor.

Dr. Meredith Grey, surgical intern as well as the doctor who had monitored him during his stay at the hospital after a giant Yankee had crashed into him during a game.

He opened his eyes slowly and saw her laying in his arms, her back to him.
She was pressed against his chest and one of her hands was loosely intertwined with his.
She looked peaceful, the tiredness that usually marked her face was gone completely, replaced by a relaxed expression.

He tightened his hold slightly, burying his nose in her hair. So it was her conditioner that smelt like lavender. It was nice, comforting even.

There was something about her. She exuded strength, willpower and was pretty authoritative.
He had known her for what? Four days?
And he still hadn't seen an ounce of vulnerability on her face. Never once had she complained about something, not even about her punishment.
Despite her fierce appearance she could also be kind, gentle, like she had been with him on the field.
But there was also something mysterious about her. That was something he didn't know. He remembered the way his sisters had looked at her that day.

Crap.

Nancy was going to be at the trailer soon.

He probably had better get up before she arrived and freaked out thinking he had slept with his doctor.

Carefully, Derek untangled himself from Meredith, trying hard not to wake her up, before silently padding to the bathroom in desperate need of a proper shower.

When he stepped out, she was still sound asleep, but she seemed to have subconsciously buried herself in the blankets, probably looking for warmth.

Derek walked to the small wooden table and picked up a sheet of paper Meredith had given him the night before.
It was the prescription for the meds he needed, along with time and dosage for each one.

Derek read it as he moved to the counter with the intention of making some coffee, which was the only edible thing in the trailer since he hadn't been there for almost two weeks between the away games and the incident.

Reading, Derek noticed that the dosage was pretty high. Again, he was no doctor but he had to deal with one —almost two— surgeons in the family and apparently their expertise was starting to rub off on him.
He set the paper aside and focused on the coffee, trying hard not to think about the pain meds he was going to have to take. He couldn't deny he was in a great deal of pain, but he wasn't sure he preferred the anesthetic effect of the medication compared to the pain.

When the coffee was ready, Derek put on a sweater and a pair of booths and headed outside with his coffee. The rain had stopped but it was still chilly, the watch on his bedside table said it was almost nine in the morning.
He sat on one of the chairs outside and opened his laptop, looking for news about his team.

First, he found an interview on which the team manager announced his injury. Derek could only sigh as he listened to the man as he told the journalists that it probably would've been a month before the team's star batter could be back.

Heading back inside, he noticed that Meredith was sitting up in bed, looking around confusedly.

"Morning sleepyhead" he smiled as he closed the door behind him.

Her head snapped towards him and a faint blush spread across her cheeks.
"Hi" she whispered, voice rough from sleep.

"Want some coffee?"

"Yeah, thank you"

Derek carefully, poured another cup and walked over to the bed, handing it to Meredith.
"Careful, it's still hot" he said, trying to break the awkward tension that had formed.

Meredith nodded and took the mug from his hands, slowly sipping on it.
"How are you?" She asked all of a sudden, the caffeine making her medical instincts kick in.

"In pain but I can manage. I sent a photo of the prescription to my sister she'll pick the meds up on her way here"

Meredith's eyes widened and she ducked her head, taking a sip of her coffee.

She couldn't believe that she thought they were going to spend the day together.
Where did that even come from?

Meredith put the mug on the bedside table and started to get up.
"I'd better get going before your sister comes here"
She murmured quietly.

She didn't want to cross paths with one of his sisters. She had seen the way some of them had looked at her. One was a psychologist in the hospital and probably knew about—

"You don't have to worry about that, especially when it comes to Nancy. She'll think ill of it no matter what you tell her"
Derek said with a sad smile, pulling her out of her thoughts.

"Is that supposed to be a good thing?" Meredith asked raising an eyebrow. Her tone was slightly accusatory, she couldn't understand why he joked like that. What they had done, although innocent, could jeopardize her career, it had been highly unprofessional on her part.

Derek immediately noticed her tone, she sounded mad and it was understandable. Maybe he could've kept his mouth shut just this once.
"I'm just saying you shouldn't worry about what others think about you, especially when you didn't do anything wrong"

Derek took her empty mug and walked away, putting it in the sink beside his.
He wasn't at the kitchen counter yet when he heard the bathroom door close and Derek let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding.

When she was ready, Derek walked Meredith to her car, after helping her out on her coat.
The action stirred up inside Meredith the same sensation as it did the night before and her frustration was soon forgotten.

Derek, ever the gentleman, opened the car door for Meredith, who stopped to look at him.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you before" she sighed, her breath visible in the chilly morning air.

"It's okay. I know you took a risk by staying here and I'm grateful for that, really" he smiled softly. He knew she had done solely to bring him some comfort, so that he could finally go home and it had been an unexpected gesture.
"But still, you shouldn't have to feel guilty about that. Even if someone finds out, what you did just shows how far you're willing to go for your patients. It's admirable" Derek continued.

Meredith ducked her head again, but this time she had a small smile on her face and her cheeks felt hot.
After all, despite the risks, Meredith didn't regret it, not a second of it. It had been probably the best night of her life.
"Thank you" she said timidly.

"It's the truth. And I'm serious about my sisters, don't mind them whatever they say about you"

Meredith nodded, finding his words pretty strange, as if he knew his sisters didn't like her. But she shrugged it off, she had to go before his sister came.
"See you Derek"

"I hope so, Meredith."

Nancy was on her way to Derek's trailer, driving through the deserted streets. Almost no one ever passed in that area. It was calm. But too lonely and isolated for her likings.
However, today was different.
Nancy saw a car, driving towards her on the other lane. Curious, she glanced inside when it was close enough. She couldn't see a face, the car was too fast, but managed to catch a glimpse of blonde hair.

A blonde in Derek's trailer.

It could've been just one person.

Derek was sitting up in bed, enjoying the silence. The pain in his ribs was getting worse and he sighed in discomfort.

The door opened, Nancy stepped him and looked around the trailer as if looking for something.

"Hi?" Derek greeted, confusedly.

All of sudden Nancy stopped, staring in the sink.

"Nancy?"

"God you really are revengeful aren't you?" Nancy sighed, her tone accusative.

"What are you even talking about?" Derek asked, sitting up straighter.

"You screwed your doctor to get back to Addison. Don't bother denying I saw her driving away" she scoffed.

Derek rolled his eyes. Apparently nobody had gotten over his breakup with Addison.

Not his family.

Not Addison herself.

Not even the fricking journalists who still kept questioning him about it.

Except for him.

Addison had cheated, that was that. It shattered his heart, took him months, almost a whole year to get over her, but eventually he did and he refused to be blamed for it.

"That's not what happened, she offered to drive me home and stay the night" Derek explained calmly, although his tone was stern, eyes narrowed.

"And why would she do that?"

"Because no one else could"

"I'm sorry are you blaming me? Because I had to work?" Nancy cried, clearly irritated.

"Look, no one is blaming you. She offered to stay because the neurologist said I shouldn't be alone in the house for the next few days"

"Whatever. If you really needed to get laid you could've chosen someone better than some mentally unstable kid"

"We didn't— wait, what?" Derek felt his heart rate spike. He couldn't believe his ears. Meredith? Mentally unstable? That couldn't be true. How could she be? How could she be a surgeon? Maybe she had cut the patient's wire. Maybe she was the resident who fell in love. Could that be it?

No. Derek decided. It wasn't true.

But how could he be sure?

"Yeah. You wouldn't believe the amount of trauma that kid has accumulated"
Nancy shrugged nonchalantly, setting the packet with Derek's medication on the table.
"I got your meds by the way. And edible food"

But Derek wanted to know more. He needed to know more.
"What do you know about Meredith?" He asked quietly.

"Look I just know she struggled with some personal issues recently. Rumors of the hospital" Nancy admitted, not wanting to start a fight.

Derek just nodded. He hadn't resigned, it wasn't his style. But for now he had to, Nancy could be a pain but she still was his sister, he trusted her and he knew she was here to help.

From time to time she would bring Addison up, asking him why he had broken up with her. Derek simply stated the facts, not wanting to spend too much time talking about it. Just because he had managed to get over it, it didn't mean it didn't hurt whenever he talked about his ex-girlfriend.
Nancy took it badly when they split up, saying it was his fault because she and Addison were close since they worked in the same department. They still talked but usually avoided mentioning Derek.

The day went by quite slowly. Derek couldn't do anything that required too much moving around. So he mainly stayed in bed, sometimes getting up to take a short walk outside, but nothing too tiring.
It felt like being in the hospital but at least he was in his element, his home and that made him comfortable.

He and Nancy chatted a bit outside from random 'how are you's' and 'how are your ribs'
It didn't feel forced but there was still an underlying tension.

Nancy wanted to say more. Tell him how stupid it was to get close to his doctor like that, how it was gonna end up badly.
But kept quiet for her brother's sake. He was already injured and she didn't want to add unnecessary stress.
She wasn't convinced at all by Meredith. She wanted to know what her intentions were, she didn't trust her.

When night fell, the siblings settled into bed. Derek loved his sister, he loved every sister, but he couldn't help wishing that Meredith was laying beside him instead of Nancy.

Both on their backs, staring at the ceiling.

"Love you, Derek. Good night"

"Love you too"

When the frustration melted away and the memories of the arguments faded, Derek still loved his sister, no matter what.

Chapter Text

The day after Liz took Nancy's place.

Derek doesn't remember ever arguing with Lizzie, probably because she was the oldest and went away when he had just started high school.

She was a psychologist, though and Derek didn't like it when people tried to analyze him, especially his sisters.

She arrived early enough and Nancy went to work. There was still some tension, but it was mostly gone.

With his pain, Derek knew the day was going to be pretty much like the previous one and like the next one.

At lunch, Derek couldn't keep his curiosity at bay anymore.
"Liz, what do you know about Meredith?"
She was a psychologist for God's sake she must've noticed something.

Liz stopped chewing on her salad and swallowed, a bit too hard.
"Meredith your doctor?"

"Yeah, Nancy and Kathleen looked at her in a strange way back at the hospital. And Nancy said she's... Traumatized"
Derek's voice was unsure, as if he was looking for the right words.

Liz wasn't sure why he seemed to care so much, but she had indeed seen some things.
"I don't know anything about that. But yeah, I can tell she's been through something"
Liz's tone sounded resigned, as though she knew that whatever Meredith had done through was very bad.

Derek kept shooting questions after questions, he was unstoppable although it was evident that Liz didn't know anything.

"Derek" his sister interrupted him after another question.

He looked up at her, _really_ looked.
Liz could see a mix of curiosity and concern.
"You're worried about Meredith" statement, not a question.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"I... Don't know it's just... Kath and Nance looked at her like people slowing down at a car crash. And then Nancy said those things..." Derek trailed off, a bit unsure.
He didn't know why he cared so much. Maybe he wanted to return the favour, she had helped him and now he wanted to help her.

"What things?" Liz pressed.

"I told you... That she was traumatised and stuff..."
Derek was hesitating and he knew Liz could see that. He just hoped she wouldn't question it.

Liz frowned. Derek was holding back, it was evident even for someone without a psychology degree.
She knew Nancy could be quite... Aggressive with words, but she never spoke without a reason. No, there was something missing.
"Why did she say that?"

"I... You can't tell anyone. And you can't tell Nancy I told you this" Derek said seriously. There was no point in lying.

"Sister Honour" Liz swore holding up the index and middle finger of her right hand, with a small smile on her face.

It was a Shepherd thing.

An ongoing joke, that after a while had become a serious thing. A promise, An oath.

It had started before Derek's birth, but even after he found out about it, they didn't change it.

—————————————————
9th February 1976

Derek was ten and wandering around the house. He was having trouble with his homework again, but he had to wait for dad to come home from work, so that he could help him.
He casually passed by Liz's bedroom and heard stifled giggles coming from inside. The door was slightly ajar so he poked his head inside.

He saw three of his sisters.

Lizzie, the oldest who was a junior in high school.

Kathleen, who was a freshman.

And Nancy, she was in her second year of middle school.

"Will you keep it down Nance!?"
Lizzie asked, looking slightly irritated.

"Don't worry I won't tell anyone. Sister Honour" Nancy said, holding up her fingers while still trying to stop the giggles from coming.

Derek saw the sign and couldn't help but ask.
"What's that mean?" Came his small voice from the door.

He half expected his sisters to be mad for interrupting them, instead Liz beckoned him in.
"Come in I'll tell you"

Derek obeyed and sat in his sister's lap as he always did.
Liz liked taking care of her youngest siblings like this. She had done it with everyone except Amelia who was almost three.

Amelia was exclusively Derek's.
He had held her when she was little, lulled her to sleep and even now liked to tuck her in and wish her goodnight.

"It's a thing between sisters. When we tell each other a secret we swear not tell anybody, like this" she explained, showing him her fingers.

Derek mimicked the gesture, looking at his hand with a confused look.
"Isn't that like lying?" He asked with his innocent voice.

"It depends, but we do this to protect our sisters because that's what we do, we look after each other" Liz told her brother, ruffling his hair.

"Oh okay" the boy nodded.

"Hey Derek, I forgot my homework at home today, will you tell mom?" Kathleen asked, testing him.

Derek thought about it for a second, staring at his sister. But then, almost suddenly, he spoke.
"I won't, Sister Honour!" Derek held up his fingers and grinned proudly, although his radiant smile missed a tooth.

Then they all looked at each other for a moment before bursting out laughing.

———

24th December 1982

Lizzie and Kathleen had come home from college for winter break.

They both went to the same institute since they both wanted to study medicine.

These gatherings were the happiest moments of the year and also the saddest, because it reminded the whole family about Christopher, who had died a few years prior in front of Derek and Amelia.

Derek was in his room, getting ready.
He was sixteen, not a man yet, but not a boy either. Everyday he looked more and more like his father and was currently the most popular heartthrob at school, despite being what could be considered a band geek. That quality was overshadowed by his looks, with the blue eyes and the perfect hair, and the fact that he was the best baseball player in the school team.

A knock came to his door and Lizzie came in without waiting for an invitation.
"Derek, can I talk to you?"

Derek turned away from the mirror, facing his sister.
"Sure, what is it?"

She hesitated.
"I... Normally I say these things to dad but he's not here and... You're the closest thing to him right now" Liz explained, her voice wavering as she mentioned their father.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me"
Derek got closer, despite the age difference he was as tall as her.

"You know Tom? He proposed. But I'm not really sure, I mean we still need to finish med school and then come all the internships..." she admitted.

Derek's expression broke into a grin.
"I'm happy for you. And don't worry I won't tell. Sister Honour, remember?" He said, holding up his fingers.

"Thank you" she smiled, hugging her baby brother.

———————————————————

Derek smiled, seeing the telltale gesture, but it faded too quickly.
"Okay. Meredith spent the night here"
Derek sighed.

"She what?!" Liz asked, her disbelief evident.

"It's no big deal, no one could come pick me up from the hospital so she offered to give me a ride and stayed until morning because of that thing the neurologist said. But we didn't do anything" Derek explained. He was trying to stay as calm as possible.

"And Nancy thinks you did?"

"Yeah, she's sure no matter what I tell her. She thought that I was trying to get back at Addison"

"Oh" Liz's shoulders sagged. She knew that his break up was still a bit of a sensitive topic for him, even though he kept saying he was over her.
"But you didn't do anything, right?"

Derek rolled his eyes.
"Do I have to remind you I have a concussion and cracked ribs? Even if I wanted to I couldn't have done anything" he said sarcastically.

"Right... What did Nance say exactly?"

Derek swallowed, his sister's words still ringing in his mind.
"She called Meredith 'a mentally unstable kid' and I'm not sure what she meant by that"

Lizzie's eyes widened as Derek quoted their sister's words. They were harsh, probably meant to offend. Maybe it was just because she thought it was about Addison, but Liz sensed that her sister might know more than she let on.
"That's bad. Who knows what Meredith went through..."

"I wish I knew" Derek said quietly.

It was three in the afternoon and Meredith had just finished her twenty four hour shift. Despite the lack of surgeries, due to her punishment, the shift had been quite satisfactory. She had correctly diagnosed two patients and the other three patients of hers were recovering completely.

Sitting on one of the benches in the interns changing rooms, Meredith was contemplating whether to text Derek or not. It didn't have to be anything too elaborated, just a simple, short message.

She didn't even know she had his number until she dropped her coat while changing and a piece of paper slipped out of a pocket.
Derek had scribbled his number on it, followed by a small message.
I have your number, it's only fair that you have mine too. -D

Meredith had to admit it, his hand writing was really neat, she liked it.
Eventually she settled for: _Hey, my shift just ended, how are you? By the way, you have my number only because I'm your doctor_
Casual with a touch of sarcasm.

As soon as she hit send, she pocketed her phone, as if she was afraid of his reply.
To be fair, Meredith wasn't 100% sure why she was doing this, why she felt the need to check on him, to see him again.
The idea of not staying in touch with him, like she would've done for every other patient, just didn't feel right.

Meredith knew she'd better let him go and forget about him, she just couldn't bring herself to.

She couldn't remember the last time she had slept so well before the night spent in Derek's trailer. Everything was small but cozy, the rain was soothing and Derek's presence was... Reassuring.
Not to mention the way his arm was slung around her waist the morning after.

Yes. She was awake. She had stirred when Derek tightened his grip on her and fell back asleep after he got up. Meredith had taken a peek at him. The sight of him standing at the counter making coffee with his hair still a bit disheveled and his shirt a bit rumpled made her sigh and bury her face in the pillow that smelled like him.

"Who are you gonna stare at now that McDreamy's gone home?" Asked Cristina Yang from the doorstep.

"Who?" Meredith asked. She had a feeling she knew who her fellow intern was talking about, but she decided to ask just to be sure.

"You know Shepherd. That's how they call him"

"Okay. But why?"

"Because he's good looking and you know it too. You consumed him with how much you started at him"

Meredith sighed.
"What are you talking about? I never stared at him"

"Oh you so did" Cristina said, moving to sit down on the bench across from Meredith's.

"I did not"

"Yeah, that day he ate lunch in the cafeteria with his army of bitchy sisters"

"Bitchy?" Meredith asked a bit confused. She remembered what Derek had told her about Nancy, so she kind of knew how his sisters could be, but she also needed to change the subject.

"Absolutely, except for the young one, she's just plain weird. Anyway, that day you were all over him"

"Cristina" Meredith admonished.

"If you could eat someone with your eyes, there wouldn't be a single crumb left of McDreamy"

Meredith just rolled her eyes. It was true, she couldn't take her eyes off him that day. Derek had asked some nurse to change just to go in the cafeteria.
When he showed up wearing a pair of sweatpants and a grey t-shirt that probably was a bit too tight, Meredith almost tripped. He looked so good, even with the dark circles under his eyes.

"Okay, you got me there. But that is not a crime" Meredith protested.

"Whatever, at least you admitted it."

Meredith rolled her eyes once again.
"Did you just come here to tell me how much I stare at my patients or do you have something to say?"

Cristina smirked and Meredith knew something was up.
"How did McDreamy get home? You should know that as his doctor, right?"

Meredith swallowed hard.
"Of course I do. He went with his sister"
Anyone could've noticed she was lying.

"Which one? Because three of them were here and the other one probably doesn't even drive"
It was over, Cristina had figured it out.

"Fine. I did and I spent the night over because of his concussion"
Meredith admitted, annoyed that she had been caught.
"We didn't do anything" she clarified.

"For now" Cristina sounded sarcastic, but there was a hint of concern hidden behind her teasing. She knew Meredith was in over her head although she didn't want to admit it.
"Mer seriously, what are you doing?"

"I... I'm not sure" Meredith admitted quietly.
"I just... I'm worried about him. He seems so tough but right now he's... Vulnerable. He just wants to go back on the field and he can't"

"So it's pity, then?"

"No I... I feel the need to check on him, make sure he's okay. I know it's wrong but I can't help it"

"You think he'll go crazy because he can't play?"

"... Maybe. I mean, I guess it's awful when the only thing you're good at, the thing you live for is ripped away from you"
Meredith bit her lower lip, she sounded unsure but it was a ruse.

She knew exactly how that felt. She had seen it during her mother's rare lucid moments. Those moments in which she woke up at Roseridge and tried to get to the hospital, saying she had to go to work. And when the personnel tried to hold her back, Ellis would go mental. She even broke a nurse's nose once.

When it happened they would immediately call Meredith.
Sometimes it was all over when she got there. When it wasn't, Meredith had to try and calm her mother down, only to hear her saying how ordinary she was, how she didn't have what it takes to be a surgeon and how she ruined her life.
Same things over and over.
During those days, Meredith would return home drained physically and emotionally and slump on her bed without eating, sleeping until the alarm rang.

"Yeah but he'll play again" Cristina countered.

"I know but still, can't be easy. Like how would you feel if you couldn't come inside the hospital for a month?"
Meredith made the example based on their shared punishment, making it even worse.

Cristina seemed to think about it for a moment.
"Yeah, you're probably right. Anyway, I should go, don't wanna keep Burke waiting" she said, getting up.

Meredith nodded and sighed when she was alone again.
She took her phone out of her jean pocket, but Derek hadn't replied yet.

Suddenly, her pager chimed. An OB consult in exam room n. 5.

Technically, Meredith wasn't on call anymore, so it was weird that someone would page her. But she didn't have anything to do so maybe a consult would hurt. Meredith didn't like OB too much, she preferred neuro. But she still kind of enjoyed it, especially when he got to tell a patient that she was pregnant. That was the best part, the sheer joy on the woman's face.

However, when she entered, the exam bed was empty. Standing against the wall opposite her, a familiar figure.

"Dr Shepherd" Meredith greeted, closing the door behind her. Nothing had happened yet, but Meredith felt uneasy already.

"Dr Grey, sorry for bothering you after your shift" The shepherd sister apologised, pushing off the wall and taking a few, slow steps towards Meredith.

"Don't worry, Dr Shepherd, it's not like I have anything better to do. Is something wrong with Derek?" Meredith tried to sound calm and collected but the way she paced and the possibility of Derek being unwell sparked a wave of anxiety inside of her.

"Oh, please. Call me Nancy" she smirked.

Shit. Four sisters and she had to meet the only one Derek had warned her about. Just her luck.

"My brother's fine, I just want to know what your intentions are"

"Excuse me?" Meredith blurted out. This was not good. Nancy started to pace around her, like a shark circling its prey. Meredith felt her heart hammering against her ribcage, her breathing picking up.

"Don't play dumb with me, I know you spent the night together" Nancy said as she stopped in front of Meredith.

Damnit. The previous morning, when she saw a car driving towards her, she had tried to hide her face, suspecting it might be one of Derek's sisters. Apparently, she hadn't done a good enough job.
"Yes, I stayed the night. But I can assure you we didn't do anything"

"That's what Derek said too. But I believe it was just his way of getting revenge"

"What?" Meredith was breathless by now.

"Of course he didn't tell you. See, Derek has a girlfriend. They... Argued and when something happens, Derek always has to show how hurt he is. I know, it's childish but that's the way my baby brother is"

Meredith felt the air leave her lungs completely. Her eyes stung and she ducked her head, trying to hide the tears that were welling up.
She didn't even bother to try and tell Nancy that nothing had happened between her and Derek.
"She'll think ill of it, no matter what you tell her"

Derek's words reverberated inside her head, but now she wished they didn't.

Now it was clear.

Why did he accept her weird offer.

Why he had given her his number.

He hadn't done anything that would make his girlfriend jealous, but he was clearly planning on it.
He seemed so different from the other self-assured and stuck up baseball players, Meredith couldn't believe she had almost fallen for it.

But it was fine. She wasn't going to let Derek use her. She was done with him. Any concern she might've had was gone, completely.

Meredith turned away and exited the room, almost slamming the door on her way out while trying to keep her tears at bay.

Chapter Text

Derek was woken up by a thunderclap coming from outside.
The wind whistled loudly, but Derek couldn't hear the sound of the rain drumming on the hood of the trailer, which was odd.

He sat up, feeling pain flare up in his side and dizzy from his headache.

"Look who's finally awake" said Liz, getting up from her spot at the table to sit on the edge of the bed.
"How's the pain?"

"The ribs are fine, but my head is killing me" Derek grimaced as he felt his head practically pound from the pain.
He brought a hand to his head, pressing his fingers against his temples.

"Want to take something else?" Liz asked worriedly.

Derek swallowed. He had already taken the meds for the ribs and the head in the afternoon after lunch, like Meredith had prescribed him. He wasn't supposed to take more until after dinner, but the prescription said he could take some more if the pain was really bad.

But Derek decided he could handle the pain for now. Besides, if he took more, he'd probably end up feeling numb and sleepy, and he didn't like that.
"No, I'll be okay. What time is it?"

"Five in the afternoon. It's snowing pretty hard"

"Is it?" He grinned.
Derek liked the snow, not as much as the rain, because he couldn't play when it snowed, but it was close enough.

"Yeah, wanna go outside?"

Derek nodded like a kid about to have a snowball fight. And Derek loved snowball fights.
"You bet, I'll put something on"

Derek stood and went to his wardrobe, looking for appropriate clothes. His head was still throbbing pretty hard, but he pushed it down, he couldn't let a stupid headache make him bedridden.
Once Derek was ready, he reached for his phone from the nightstand and he was put it in his pocket.
However, when he checked it he saw there was a message.

His heart skipped a beat when he saw it was from Meredith.
Hey, my shift just ended, how are you? By the way, you have my number only because I'm your doctor

Derek grinned at the text. He had given her his number but if he had to be honest, he wasn't expecting her to actually text him. He, had seen the way she tried to keep her distance and knew she thought it was unprofessional.

Hi, sorry I was asleep. I'm doing okay, thanks to you. How was your shift??

Derek waited for a reply but it didn't come as quickly as he wished. Still, he didn't make a bug deal out of it since her text was sent two hours before his awakening.
When Liz called out for him, Derek put the phone in the pocket of his jacket and headed outside.

He stood on the deck of the trailer, the snow wasn't falling as hard as before. He looked up at the sky, hands in his pockets and lost in thought. Thoughts of Meredith, of his current condition, of his pain.

The previous day he had tried to exercise a little in secret, knowing his sister would've tried to talk him out of it. He had gone outside with the excuse of taking a walk around the clearing.
He picked up his bat and tried to swing a few times, but the movement pulled at his ribs so he had to stop, disappointed.

Everything tingled. He ached to do something. Even just a short train session would've been enough.

Instead he couldn't do anything. It was like being in the hospital, but at least he had his familiar surroundings to bring him comfort.

His thoughts were cut off by something soft hitting his shoulder.
Derek smirked at his sister.
"Careful there, you might start something you can't handle" Derek warned playfully, bending to pick up a handful of snow.

"Oh yeah? You think you can beat me, DerBear?" Liz questioned, using the nickname she and the other sisters came up with when they were little.

"A bit of pain won't stop me. Once I played a whole game with a sprained ankle"

"Just because you didn't tell anybody, otherwise they would've taken you to the ER"

"Whatever, a win is a win" he shrugged.

The siblings engaged in a snowball fight, the first since Christmas 1977, Christopher Shepherd's last Christmas.
Derek, being a baseball player, threw incredibly precise snowballs, although weakened by his injury.

Eventually, Liz asked for a truce and Derek, feeling particularly benevolent that day, he gave in too and the siblings lie down in the snow side by side, taking in the cloudy sky.

"For what it's worth, I like Meredith." Liz said after a while, choosing her words carefully.

"You do?" Derek asked hopefully.

"Yeah, she seemed nice. And don't worry about the 'trauma' part, everyone went through something bad"

"What about Addison? I thought you wanted me to get back with her"

"I mean, who didn't? You were the perfect couple for like... three years. But even perfect couples don't work sometimes" Liz shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Meredith is so different, you know. She's like, Addison's compete opposite"

"What do you like about her?" She asked, turning to look at him.

"I like... How far she's willing to go for someone, whether it's a friend or an injured baseball player" Derek started, earning a smile from his sister.
"I can tell she's passionate about her job and... I love her hair, it has this lavender scent, it's comforting" Derek's voice had taken on a dreamy tone by now.
"And... I love the way she runs her fingers through my hair" Derek concluded. He thought about her fingers caressing his scalp, trying to calm him down at the field. He had the feeling She had done it another time, in the hospital, but he couldn't quite place it.

After a while, Derek turned to his sister with a more serious look on his face that mixed with a worried expression.
"Liz—"

"I won't, Sister Honour" Lizzie interrupted him, already knowing what he was going to say.

"Thank you" Derek's face softened and the sibling's focus returned to the sky up ahead. "I don't think the others would appreciate this... Feeling of mine, whatever it is"

When the night fell, Derek and Liz were in bed, ready to go to sleep, when Derek's phone chimed. He hastily sat up and reached for the phone, wincing as he moved too quickly.
It was Meredith, just as he was hoping.

It was fine. Glad you're okay

For some unknown reason, Derek sensed something was wrong. The message was short, cold, as if texting him was a chore, something she wanted to get over with as soon as possible.
If she didn't want to hear from him why had she texted him in the first place?
Maybe he was just overreacting.

Can I offer you a coffee to repay you for staying with me?

He texted back.

No reply.

Derek put the phone back on the bedside table and lay down on his back. He couldn't lie on his right side because of his injury, so he fell asleep with his head turned towards his phone, waiting for a reply that never came.

Meredith was in bed, huddled under the covers and a bit drunk wasted, trying to fall asleep without success. The strong headache and dizziness didn't help at all.

Eventually she came across Derek's message, the one she had deliberately ignored hours before.
She decided to answer, just something quick that would make him understand she didn't want anything to do with him anymore. Meredith thought about telling him they couldn't see each other again, but she knew Derek would've started making questions, so she decided against it.

It was fine. Glad you're okay

That was it. With this message Derek Shepherd was out of her life.

Meredith put the phone on the nightstand and didn't bother to check it when it chimed. She knew it was Derek, but she wasn't going to answer, no matter what.

As she closed her eyes, images of Derek flooded her mind. Derek sitting in his trailer in the middle of the night, hair tousled and face lit up by the screen of his phone as he started at it, waiting for her reply while a woman slept next to him.

The sight made her sick to her stomach, or maybe it was the great amount of shots she had consumed, she didn't know. All she knew was that a minute later she was kneeling in front of the bin in the bathroom, her throat burning and tears steaming down her face.

Chapter Text

Derek stirred at the feeling of the bed dipping beside him, but didn't open his eyes. His brain was still fuzzy with sleep and the remnants of a headache as he tried to guess who it could be. The main options were Lizzie and Kathleen, because it was her turn to stay with him. But in the back of his mind, Derek hoped it was Meredith, even though he knew it couldn't be.

Slowly, he cracked an eye open and the sight in front of him surprised him. His youngest sister Amelia was lying beside him, waiting for him to wake up.

"McDreamy is back in the real world" She teased her brother as he sat up.

Derek didn't waste time and hugged his sister tightly. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be at University?"

"It's Saturday and I thought I could surprise you"

"Thanks"

"How are you doing, DerBear?" She asked, pulling away.

"I... Okay. I'm doing okay" Derek said, although a bit too quietly for Amelia's likings.

"Oh I know that look" Amy said knowingly.

"Wha—"

"You, mister, are having girl problems" Amelia smirked. She remembers that look, he had it all the time when things with Addison started going sideways. But the first time she saw it was way back when he was still in college. 

30th December 1987

Derek was 21 and in his third year of college. It was winter break and at home, other than him, there was Amy, Nancy and Mark, who had come to visit Carolyn. Lizzie and Kathleen were in the middle of their residency and had managed to stop by for Christmas but had to work during the last days of the year.

It was late, around two in the morning, but Derek and Mark were still awake. They were sitting in the kitchen with a beer each.

Derek seemed worried. Or at least that's what Amelia thought as she was sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack, but she had to stop in the doorway, not wanting Derek to catch her.

His head was pillowed on his folded arms, there was a crease between his eyebrows and he kept glancing at the phone hanging on the wall, as if he was waiting for it to ring.

"What's her name again?" Mark asked, taking a sip from his bottle.

"Sophie" Derek mumbled. "She's from San Francisco and she studies history"

"Right. And why do you like her, again?" Mark asked. His tone was skeptical, he couldn't believe that his best friend had fallen in love. But then again, Mark's area of expertise revolved around flings and one night stands so how could he judge?

Derek sighed, glancing at the phone again. "I like that she actually loves what she does and doesn't do it just because she has to. It's strange, but I like that she's not into baseball"

"I bet she isn't, San Francisco Giants suck" Mark commented.

"I don't think that's the reason, I should ask her maybe"

"Whatever, why did you fight?"

Derek let out a dispirited sigh. "She wants me to move to San Francisco with her after graduation but... What do I have there? Not to mention that I have University and Columbia is my first choice"

"She can't ask you something like that" Mark agreed, slightly irritated but trying to keep his voice down.

"I know. Even if I don't go to University I'm certainly not going to San Francisco"

"Unless you get drafted"

"I'd prefer not playing baseball ever again in my life rather than playing for the Giants." Derek scrunched up his nose in a scorning expression. "Anything is better than the Giants"

"Well not the Marlins... Or the White Sox" Mark counters, trying to be reasonable.

"Whatever. At least in Chicago I won't risk dying during an earthquake"

"Sounds like you don't like sweet Sophie so much anymore" Mark teased.

Derek shook his head. Knowing Mark, he was probably thinking about how he could woo her. "No it's not that I just... I wish she'd let me explain, instead she just started saying I didn't love her..."

"But you don't love her" Mark said, as if pointing out the obvious. But when Derek limited himself to looking away, Mark sighed. "Shit, man. I'm sorry"

Amelia had observed the whole scene. She had never seen her brother like that, not over a girl at least. Not wanting to get caught eavesdropping, Amy returned upstairs, sadly renouncing to her late night snack.

"I'm not having girl problems" Derek protested as he got up from the bed, grabbing his phone from the nightstand. He headed to the counter to make himself some coffee, desperately wanting to avoid the conversation.

"You so are" Amelia countered, standing up too. "Why are you making coffee it's past twelve already" Amy asked, noticing he didn't seem to want to talk about whatever was going on. Derek ignored her, focusing on his coffee.

"C'mon, I'm sure you can win her back, whoever she is. You could write her a song like you did for Sophie from San Francisco" She suggested, trying to cheer him up.

Derek's eyes widened, wondering how she could know about Sophie. That he had sung a song for a girl in front of half college complete with guitar accompaniment, that was a known fact. But he had never told anyone the girl's name, except for Mark. "You're mixing up Sophie and Addison. How do you even know about Sophie anyway?"

"Then explain it yourself" Amy smirked, willingly ignoring his question.

"I wrote a song for Addison. The one for Sophie wasn't mine" Derek clarified with a hint of sadness in his voice as he thought about Addison.

Amelia noticed the sorrow in his tone and remained silent for a while, choosing her words carefully.

Derek busied himself with the coffee machine and started to check his phone as he waited. No reply from Meredith. "All I'd like for you is to be my bride, take my hand and stay by my side... No?"

Derek didn't turn to his sister, but his heart skipped a beat. "It's not like that" he protested, trying hard not to smile as he recognized the song he had sung for Sophie. Although he and Sophie broke up after that winter break, he still loved that song.

"Oh yeah? Then enlighten me, Mr I-know-it-all" Amelia was trying to get a reaction out of him, to break through his walls.

With a sigh, Derek cleared his voice, the coffee momentarily forgotten.

"All I want is you, will you be my bride? Take me by the hand and stay by my side. All I want is you, will you stay with me? Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea?" Derek sang softly, punctuating the words she had gotten wrong, before shaking his head with a small smile and returning to his coffee, which was finally ready.

"It's too cheesy in my opinion, but it remains a beautiful song" Amelia murmured, standing by her brother, resting her head on his shoulder.

"It does" They stayed silent for a while. Derek drank his coffee, occasionally offering a few sips to his sister. He noticed gladly that his headache wasn't as bad as the other mornings, a sign that he was slowly but surely getting better. What worried him the most were his cracked ribs, that injury represented the real problem. He could play with a headache, but cracked ribs were a whole different story.

"You know, I'm really trying to understand what's wrong, but you have to give me a hint at least" Amelia said, her tone playful but serious at the same time.

Derek sighed, knowing she wasn't going to let it go. Stubbornness was a family trait. "Fine. It is because of a girl" he admitted defeatedly.

"Who is she" Amelia pressed, glad that he was beginning to open up. "I'll tell you if you tell me who's been texting you all morning. I can hear the phone ringing" Derek smirked.

"Fine. His name is Link and he's a resident at Seattle Grace" Amelia said, her tone somewhat dreamy and a slightly shy smile spreading on her face.

"Wait, so you met him like... Less than a week ago, when I was in the hospital, right? Derek asked, a bit unsure.

"No, actually he was at Columbia. He still had two years left when I started, so we met before"

"Okay? And why does he keep texting you like some sort of clingy puppy?" Derek was clearly jealous, he'd always been. He always wanted to know everything about the people Amy hung out with, especially after he found out about her problem.

"Oh c'mon, those texts can't be all his" Amy protested at her brother's protective behaviour and went to grab her phone in her bag. "He offered me a tour of the city tomorrow before I head back to New York"

"Mmh. You said he went to Columbia?"

"Yes, Atticus Lincoln. Does that ring a bell?"

Derek relaxed a bit, he had heard that name. Atticus looked like a normal guy, tall with long blonde hair. "I think I saw him a few times"

"So do I have your approval?" Amelia teased him.

Derek looked at his sister, flabbergasted that she was bringing up his overprotectiveness so openly. He looked at her with wide eyes for a second, before returning his attention to the mug he was washing. "Yes, for now" he eventually caved.

"Good, so now you can tell me about your girl" Amelia smirked, going to stand beside her brother again. Derek sighed, but he owed it to her.

Meredith woke up in her bed. Which wasn't weird, per se, the problem was that she didn't remember how she had gotten there.

Her neck and back felt stiff as she rolled over, reaching for her phone. She cursed as she saw that it was way past midday and she should've started her shift four hours ago.

Meredith sat up abruptly, but regretted it immediately as her head started to pound. Pushing through it, she got up and started to rummage through her closet looking for clothes. Anything would've been okay, she was already late and hungover anyway.

Just then, the door opened and Cristina came in, eyeing her friend with a strange look.

"What are you doing here?" Meredith asked, picking out a shirt and a pair of jeans and putting them on the bed.

"Blondie found you in the bathroom after you didn't hear the alarm and called me"

"Aren't you supposed to be at work?" Meredith questioned, starting to change.

"Day off. And you're not going either, I called in sick for you" Cristina stated.

"Oh. Thanks, I guess" Meredith said quietly. She stopped changing and sat down on the bed, head in her hands as she tried to will the headache to go away.

"What happened? I hadn't seen you like this since... Y'know" Her friend asked, sitting down beside her. Meredith knew what Cristina was talking about. The first time her mother had been lucid, which happened almost seven months ago. 

March 2005

Meredith got out of her car, two nurses were waiting for her at the front door.

"Follow us" She didn't even nod, she just walked behind them. She could hear her mom from the hallway. "I am a surgeon, let me go to work!"

On most days, Ellis Grey couldn't even recognize her own daughter. But now she knew she had been a surgeon, it must've counted for something.

Meredith reached the room, her mother looked mad and she felt the need to run as far as possible from there. As soon as she spotted her, her mother stilled, eyes fixated on her daughter. "What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here" she sounded mad, irritated and Meredith flinched at her tone.

"It's okay, mom. They called me" Meredith said as calmly as she could manage.

"Well tell them to let me go. I have a job to do unlike you" Meredith's face hardened, but she had to keep her cool.

"Mom, you're not a surgeon anymore. But I am, I'm going to be like you" her tone was soft and collected. She smiled, hoping that the news would make her mother happy, proud.

"You? You don't know the first thing about being a surgeon and you never will. You're not cut out for it, you better give up now before they kick you out of the program" Ellis spoke sternly, her words sounded almost mocking.

The room shrunk.

Her breathing picked up. Meredith felt everyone's eyes on her. Everybody was looking at her with pity in their eyes. But Meredith didn't want it, she didn't want pity she just wanted to run away in that precise moment.

Everyone stared at her and she stared at everyone, her eyes flicking from one person to another in record time, trying to read their expressions. She looked everywhere except for the bed where her mother was now sitting, swallowing back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Who are you?" Ellis's voice came. Feeble, almost weak. Meredith's eyes found her mother's.

Empty, there was nothing in them but confusion. The lucid moment was over.

Meredith stared at her own mother and could practically feel the nurses' pity. There was nothing she could do except for running away as fast as she could, so she did.

She was out of the room before the nurses could stop her. They probably thought she was being selfish, that she was abandoning her own mother, but in that moment Meredith didn't care, she just wanted to run away and forget.

Because that's what Meredith Grey did, right? She bolted, ran as fast as she could when things got difficult. That night, Joe had to call Cristina to pick her up and the morning later, she forced Meredith to tell her everything. 

"I'm fine" Meredith lied stubbornly. She absolutely wasn't in the mood to tell Cristina about how the gorgeous man who occupied her thoughts within the last few days was actually a douche.

"Liar" Cristina stated.

"Maybe. What's it to you?" Meredith rebutted.

"Meredith" Cristina sighed. "You're my person and I'm yours. And if we want to keep this thing going we have to tell each other things. I told you when I slept with Burke, I told you when I terminated the pregnancy. Now it's your turn"

Meredith rolled her eyes. Unfortunately for her, Cristina was right, they had agreed to be each other's confidantes. She knew how difficult it could be for Cristina to open up, but still, she had revealed her things, important things and now it was only fair that Meredith did the same.

"Fine" She took a deep breath. "Derek has a girlfriend" Meredith admitted quietly. Cristina seemed to be contemplating the information, taking it in and trying to understand if she had heard well.

"That McAss" she eventually responded. Meredith chuckled. Likely reaction for Cristina to have, but the suddenness of it made her laugh, although it didn't last long.

"I was thinking more along the lines of... McDouche, but yeah that works too"

"Nah, McAss sounds better. How did you find out?"

"One of his sisters told me. She said he showed interest in me just to get revenge on his girlfriend for cheating on him" Meredith explained sadly.

"What kind of man does that? I mean, if she cheated on you just leave the girl already"

"I don't know" Meredith murmured before standing up and putting away the clothes she had previously taken out of the wardrobe. Disappointment was still cursing through her, along with anger and a hint of sadness. She didn't know whether to be angry at him for lying or be mad at herself for falling for his perfect gentleman act. Or both.

Meredith glanced at her phone on the nightstand. She knew he had figured out something was wrong by now, but Meredith just hoped he would've known better than try and contact her again. He was famous, he could certainly find some naïve girl to fool.

His sister too could've warned her a bit sooner. At least she would've sent that damned message.

"Guess I'll leave you to rest" Cristina said before standing up, shooting Meredith a concerned look and leaving the room. Meredith slumped back on the bed with a huff. She felt like she should hate his guts, play darts with a photo of his face.

His handsome, gorgeous face.

Chapter Text

A week had passed since Meredith had found out about Derek.

A week since she had spent the most beautiful evening of her life.

A week since she had cried over a man for the first time in her life.

A week during which she had thought many times about looking Derek's girlfriend up. It would've been easy to find a picture of her, Derek was famous and most importantly, he was hot. And gossip magazines loved to send their personal paparazzi chasing after famous, hot men and their girlfriends.

But eventually, Meredith had decided she didn't want to see how his girlfriend was like. She already had an idea in mind. She surely was one of those tall, beautiful women with gorgeous hair and very long legs. Yeah, Meredith was okay. She didn't need to see how much hotter Derek's girlfriend was compared to herself.

So, Meredith had spent the entire week split between her work and the thoughts in her mind. Those two things often came together, but Meredith knew how to keep her personal life divided from her work, she had done it before.

But what was going to happen the day when her personal life followed her at work?

Meredith's shift was almost over. It was around nine in the morning, just one more hour and it would've been over.

That's when she was paged in the ER. With a huff, Meredith headed down the stair towards the crowded emergency room. It was packed with patients, it was a mix of voices. Doctors giving orders, patients crying, loved ones murmuring reassurances. But even with all that buzzing, Meredith could clearly distinguish an angered voice that made her heart stop.

A group of EMTs was wheeling in the great Ellis Grey, who was once again rebelling against the paramedics' who were holding her still on the gurney, while shouting orders to anyone who crossed her path.

Meredith felt bile rising in her throat. She felt her colleagues' eyes were flicking between her and her mother, trying to understand why one of the greatest doctors of all time seemed to have gone out of her mind.

The urge to run was strong, but she couldn't this time, someone had already called her name.

"What do we have?" She asked formally, keeping her eyes solely on the paramedics.

"Female, 54, she was arrhythmic and collapsed soon after. The nurses at Roseridge called 911 and she woke up on the way here"

"Okay, I... I can't be on this case. I'm paging doctor Burke, he'll be here soon" Meredith said hurriedly. Her pain could be related to the Alzheimer's, but she couldn't take care of her even if she wanted to, Bailey would've fired her for good.

As soon as the paramedics wheeled her mother away, Meredith sprinted towards the staircase, trying hard not to bump into anybody as she kept her eyes fixated on the floor.

Derek was getting impatient.

He had been at the hospital for the last two hours with Nancy to get his head checked up and see whether his concussion had healed.

He got in around seven o'clock, because of course, he had to undergo a load of exams and now he was waiting for the neurologist in the ER because the exams rooms were full. It was crowded, there were people everywhere and the constant noise didn't help his still lingering headache. He sat idly on the gurney, curtain drawn so that he couldn't see anybody and nobody could see him.

At least it was worth it. When the neurologist arrived, he told Derek his concussion was gone and he didn't need supervision anymore. Then, he called in another doctor who announced that his ribs were healing, although it was going to be a few weeks at least before he could go back to train.

Derek and Nancy were preparing to leave, when they heard someone yelling as they were wheeled in. He was about to open the curtain and take a look, but a doctor approached, looking quite agitated and told them to keep the curtain closed 'for their safety'.
Still, Derek couldn't contain his curiosity and after a while, he pushed the curtain open just a tad, but enough to catch the sight of a woman struggling against the hold of two paramedics and a familiar wisp of blonde hair.

His eyes widened, he hadn't seen her in a week but there was no doubt. It was Meredith. She hadn't replied to his message, ignoring him completely and it made him feel bad. She had seemed to be at ease in his presence, they had talked until late night, she had said 'See you' and he had believed her. But then, Meredith didn't reply to his message. He was concerned and mostly hurt and needed an explanation.

Bolting out of his seat, Derek followed her, ignoring his sister calling after him and the pain that shot through his ribs.
He crossed the ER with swift steps, trying not to lose sight of her. She ducked into a door that led to the fire escape and he went after her, climbing up the stairs two by two. But then, he had to slow down, because of the pain becoming too intense and lost track of her after seeing her walking through a door.

As he found himself into an hallway, he heard one of the doors slamming closed nearby. So, he started inspecting every room, the fist few ones were small and cramped supply closets. Towards the end, he found a bigger room with wooden supplies, furniture and lockers and an en-suite bathroom. He checked it, but he found no sign of Meredith.

He continued relentlessly, until he came across another locker room. This one was more cramped, with metal lockers and worn out, wooden benches. Closing the door gently, he heard a soft sniffle, barely audible, and he knew he had struck home.

Slowly padding inside, Derek looked around the lockers until he got to the last row, at the far end of the room. He caught sight of something light blue peeking out from behind the last locker.

Derek was about to make Meredith aware of his presence, but another, louder, sniffle made Derek stop, breath catching. Her breathing seemed laboured.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Derek stepped forwards and took in the sight of his former doctor.
Her back was pressed against the side of the locker, she looked at the rain pouring outside, her gaze empty. The shadows of the droplets on the window were projected on her face, making them look like tears. But then he realized, she was actually crying.
Derek tilted his head, feeling his heart break at the sight.

Meredith felt Derek's eyes on her but didn't dare to turn and look at him. She already knew she wasn't going to find anything but pity in his eyes. To be honest, she had known someone was in the room since she heard the door opening, but she wasn't expecting it to be him. Derek had tried to be stealth, she had to give him that, but the eerie silence inside made every little sound more amplified.
So now there she was, crying over her ill mother in a corner, while the guy she had been trying to forget about for the past week stared at her.
Meredith had nowhere to run.

She felt her eyes well up again. Great, just when the tears on her cheeks had started to dry up. Her shoulders were tense, gaze fixated on the rain drumming on the window.

"Mer?" His voice came so suddenly that she physically flinched, eyes squeezing shut.

Meredith just wanted to scream at him, to shove him away and just find another hiding spot, but she didn't feel strong enough. Instead, she let fresh tears run down her cheeks, trying hard to stifle any sob that might escape her mouth.

"Please, go away" Meredith managed to croak out eventually.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He asked gently, moving to stand right in front of her.

Meredith's fists clenched, her anger surfacing. What right did he have to just stand there with fake concern in his eyes while his girlfriend was probably waiting for him somewhere, thinking about him?
"What's it to you, Shepherd?" She snapped, her eyes opening.

The use of his last name stung. Meredith barely used it, even when he was her patient.
"Something's bothering you and I would like to help" Derek said calmly, sensing the irritation in her voice.

Her anger flared up and she somehow willed her tears to stop flowing. Meredith looked up at him for the first time.

Grey-green clashing with deep blue.

Resentment against concern.

"Why's it matter Shepherd? Go back to your girlfriend or something" her voice lost in intensity and broke as she spoke the last few words and she tried to walk away, but Derek stood in her way and she slumped back against the locker, crossing her arms over her chest and looking downwards, like a teenager trying to get away before her parents scold her.

"Woah there, slow down, what do you know about my girlfriend?" Derek prevented her from walking away, his eyes wide as she mentioned his girlfriend.

"I know that whatever she did, you deserved it" Meredith spat, her previous sadness replaced by the rage she felt towards the man in front of her.
She swiftly moved sideways, managing to walk away from him.

Meredith's words stung. Derek's initial concern was starting to get overridden by his growing irritation and he stopped Meredith again, grasping her wrist loosely, not wanting to hurt her.
"Who told you about my girlfriend?" Derek questioned again, trying to gauge what she actually knew about it.

Meredith rolled her eyes as Derek stopped her, wanting nothing more than to get out of there and most importantly, away from him.
"It doesn't matter, I won't let you use me"
She writhed, trying to free herself, but he didn't let go.

The more she said, the more confused he got.
"Use you for what?" Derek asked, trying to pull her closer to him without using to much force.

The thought that Derek could genuinely be unaware of what she was talking about has crossed her mind once or twice, but what were the chances that his sister would say something like that about him?
"Stop playing dumb and go find someone else to manipulate. Or you're afraid I might tell everything to the papers and ruin your pretty little reputation?" She gritted.
Exasperated when he refused once again to let her go, Meredith shoved him away.

Derek wasn't expecting her to react that way and stumbled back, his back hitting the wall. He hissed as the impact sent a wave of pain to his ribs, making him double over and clutch his side.

Meredith's hands covered her mouth, stifling a shocked gasp. She couldn't move, her feet were anchored on the spot. She didn't want to approach him, afraid that he'd be infuriated, but she didn't feel like leaving him like that either.
A small voice in the back of her mind kept whispering that he deserved everything he got, while the rest of her mind pictured the worst case scenarios. She was already thinking about how she could've possibly put an end to his career, while the image of his pained expression kept replying in her head.

Meredith felt her eyes sting once again and she got mad, this time at herself for being such a crybaby. She was a surgeon for Christ's sake.

Derek felt his irritation mount before fading almost completely as he lifted his head to look at her again. The sight of her glassy eyes told him that she didn't mean to hurt him and Derek understood that for some reason, she was trying to push him away, both physically and emotionally. He straightened his back, letting out a painted breath as his head tipped back against the wall, his jaw flexing.

Finally, Derek dropped his head again, his eyes falling on her. The shock on her face, the tears on her cheeks, her guilt-filled eyes. He had to keep calm, she didn't mean it. Derek knew it, but she did mean all those things about his girlfriend, her hurtful words.

Derek also knew that Meredith was about to bolt. He saw it in the way her legs trembled slightly, and her hands too. Every limb of hers was itching to move. His next word or action would've triggered her fight or flight response and resulted in her running away and he didn't know how to change that.
He didn't know if he wanted to change that.
Maybe it was better that way. She needed to cool down, clear her head, there were too many emotions in her head all at once. Even thought he ached to know what was going on inside her head.

So, Derek slowly slid down the wall until he was sitting on the ground, his eyes fixated on her and he just stared at her, trying to anticipate her next move.

Meredith saw his slow movement. It wasn't sudden, but unexpected. Of all the reactions she had pictured in her mind, this was the last she expected.
His eyes never left her. Tired eyes, she noticed, exhausted. The eyes of someone who had given up.
That's when it hit her. He was letting her run away, he was letting her go.

But for some reason, it didn't look like Derek. No, giving up wasn't Derek Shepherd's style. She had seen how much determination he could have, during those long days he spent in a hospital bed. If she ran now, he was going to find her again, sooner or later, and demand an explanation. But right in that moment, he didn't have the energy. And what shocked her even more was that she like this worn out version of him. Because she liked all of him, even if it hurt.
Even if he had lied to her.

With all the thoughts swimming in her head, she was starting to doubt that too. A liar would've probably stopped long before, would've begged her not to mention any of it to the papers. A liar would've had no reason to take it that far.

Derek couldn't run after her, he had lost this battle, but he sure as hell wasn't done fighting.

"I'm sorry" Meredith murmured eventually, but she didn't move.

Derek looked up at her with gentle eyes, not expecting her to be still there.
"It's okay" he assured her softly.
"Are you going to run?" He asked then, because deep down he didn't want her to go, not just yet.

Meredith bit her lower lip, unsure.
"I don't know" Meredith mumbled, looking downwards.

Derek nodded. The fact that she was still there it had already surprised him.
His lips curved in a small smile, trying to reassure her and patted the space beside him.

Meredith noticed the invite and hesitated, still not fully trusting him. But eventually, she moved to sit down beside him, still keeping an eye on him.

Back to square one.

They sat in silence on the hard floor, the cold seeping through the fabric of their pants, especially with her thin scrub bottoms.

Meredith shivered and pulled her knees to her chest and didn't dare to look at the man sat beside her. Their argument had faded into silence and the anger she felt left and was replaced once again by the sorrow that had led her to the locker room in the first place.

Derek fiddled with his fingers, looking at her from the corner of his eye. He still wondered what was going through her head, he saw the sadness returning to her eyes and wanted to ease it. But he was afraid she'd get mad again.

Meredith should go see how her mother was doing.

Derek should go find his sister, who was probably organising a search party by now.

But neither of them wanted to move.

She'll think ill of it no matter what you tell her
"It's not true is it?" Meredith asked all of a sudden.

"What is not true?" Derek asked, tilting his head to look at her, pleased that she had chosen to talk to him.

Meredith's lips curled up almost imperceptibly, the whole situation almost made her smile. At this point, either he was a great actor, or she had yelled at him for no reason.
"That you let me stay over just to get back at your girlfriend"

Derek considered a series of different questions. Like who had told her, what did she know about it... Things like those.
But he eventually decided that it would've been better to just be honest.
"No" an answer that left no room for arguments. Dry but at the same time full of emotions: confusion, sincerity, a hint of firmness, as if to prove his point.

Meredith let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding and leaned her cheek on her knees, facing him.
"I'm sorry"

Derek looked at her and tilted his head, trying to imitate her position. His eyes held a mix of tenderness but also hurt. Nevertheless, he tried not to jump to conclusions. Meredith was mainly a rational person, she surely had a reason for reacting the way she did.
"What made you think that?"

The calmness in his voice was like a soothing balm to Meredith's ears, they partly eased her mind. What really worried her was the hurt that was also perceptible in his tone.
"I... Your sister Nancy told me" Meredith said hesitantly, not wanting to provoke any fight between Derek and Nancy.

She observed his reaction carefully.

Derek pursed his lips, trying to stay calm. Nancy and Addison were close, but he wasn't expecting her to go that far.
He was mad, almost furious, but it wasn't the time to manifest those feelings, not in front of Meredith.
His fists clenched for a moment, his jaw flexed and he let out a long breath through his nose. He was frustrated.

"I think it's best if I go now" Meredith muttered hurriedly, moving to stand up.

"No, no please, stay. It's not your fault" Derek reassured her with a hand on her arm, preventing her from standing up.

"But I believed her"

"You had no reason not to"

Meredith seemed to agree and sat back down. She still thought that she should've known better, but she didn't dare to voice her doubt.
Instead, Meredith decided to put her stubbornness aside, for once. But resisted the urge to lean her head against his shoulder.
"How are you?" Meredith asked after a while.

"Recovering. I had a check up this morning and the neurologists said I healed from the concussion" Derek answered with one of his bright smiles, glad that she had changed the subject.

Meredith could finally be happy that he was doing okay without feeling guilty.

They stared into each other's eyes without any resentment or anger.

Derek had missed her eyes, those green-grey eyes that he could get lost in.
He still had a hard time believing his sister wanted to push them apart, for a second, he even wondered if Meredith was saying the truth, but that doubt quickly dissolved as he remembered the pure hurt in those eyes.

Meredith admired his ocean eyes as they seemed to take on a clearer shade, reflexing his newly found calmness. They looked darker when he was sad and sparkled when he smiled.

They sat close, very close, maybe too close. But it wasn't a problem, they barely noticed it. Their shoulders are touching and their knees too. The closeness was comforting, Derek had missed that too and missed holding her in the morning.

Meredith missed being held in the morning. It was crazy, in Meredith's opinion. She had never experienced the feeling of waking up in someone else's arms, but now that she had tried it, she needed to feel it again. But as her eyes roamed his face, Meredith knew Derek was the only one who could've made her feel that warmth again.

They took each other in, without noticing that their faces were getting even closer until they heard the sound of the door opening and jumped apart.

Chapter Text

It wasn't long before Nancy found her brother and Meredith sitting close together on the ground of the interns' locker room.

She stared at them, fully knowing that Meredith probably had already told him everything.

"Derek where the hell have you been!? I was worried about you!" Nancy exclaimed anyway, but the concern in her voice was real.

Derek felt a flash of anger towards his sister who had deliberately pushed he and Meredith apart. But still, he tried to keep his cool, not wanting to snap at her.
He pushed off the floor and Meredith did the same, with a look of uncertainty in her eyes

"Sorry, I just needed to talk to Meredith"
Derek apologized calmly, glancing at the intern standing beside him.

Sensing the tension between the siblings, Meredith decided it was time for her to leave and look for her mother.
"I should go" she mormoured, looking up at Derek.

As much as he wanted her to stay, Derek knew he needed to talk to his sister privately and Meredith probably had to work.
"Okay. I'll see you?" He asked hopefully, a hand on her elbow.

"Yeah" She confirmed softly with a small, almost invisible smile.

Derek grinned as he watched her leave the room.

Once Meredith was out of the room, Nancy spoke up.
"I did what I thought was best" she said earnestly, looking at Derek straight in the eyes. She really believed the words that came out of her mouth, she meant them.

"Best for who?" Derek questioned shaking his head. He knew she meant well. During the years she had often tried to protect him, but she turned out to be overbearing, exaggerated.

"Both of you. What if the papers found out? You'd be ruined and her career would've ended before even starting"
Nancy countered stubbornly.

"It's not true and you know it. You just can't admit that you were wrong" Derek admonished as he felt his anger staring to mount.

"So you're saying you're not mad at Addison? That you don't want her to feel like you felt!?" His sister asked. She was basically yelling now, wanting her brother to admit he was still in love with Addison.

"Of course I did! Nancy I did. But I don't anymore, I got over it. Addison accepted it, why can't you?" Derek snapped. He couldn't do it anymore, six months had passed and he had been miserable for the best part of it.

He spent more than four months in a snappy and mopey mood, constantly wondering what he had done wrong and reproaching himself, thinking that if he had paid more attention it wouldn't have happened.
Nancy and Kathleen told him to give Addison another chance. His mother too, but she didn't really mean it, it had taken her a long while to warm up to Addison, but she had managed, eventually.
Lizzie never got there.
His teammates looked at him with pity, since they knew he was serious about Addison.
He was unfocused and played awfully, so much that his coach benched him for six games straight.

Until he finally managed to snap out of it, his old self finally breaking through that layer of anger and frustration that had formed around him.
It took him time, he did it on his own terms without anybody's help.

"I really hope you know what you're doing" Nancy warned her brother.

That was the closest thing to an apology Derek was ever going to get. The Shepherds were all stubborn, but Nancy was the worst.
"I am" Derek responded without hesitation, taking a step closer to his sister.

She put her arms around his neck and Derek finally let out a relived breath.
"Please be careful"

"I always am" Derek smiled, reciprocating the hug.

"Oh please, we all know that's not true" Nancy snorted.

"Whatever, I try my best"

"I love you Der"

"I love you too"

Derek still had a few questions for Nancy, but he thought that wasn't the right moment.

In the meantime, Meredith found her mother's room. She was asleep now, thankfully, which gave her time to take a look at her chart.
They had done several exams but there wasn't a diagnosis yet.

It wasn't the first time her mother was hospitalised, apparently those rare, lucid moments put her body under a lot of stress. The first time had been six months before and it had been the same. She came in yelling and shouting and Meredith hid in the locker room. This time at least, someone had come to look for her.

Not knowing what to do, Meredith sat on a chair nearby and stared vacantly at her mother's vitals for a while before deciding to make herself useful and go on charting. It took her longer than usual, since her thoughts were occupied by a certain curly-haired batter.
She felt bad for him that his sister had betrayed him like that but at the same time Meredith couldn't help but be relieved that Derek didn't reveal himself to be a lying ass.

Her mind wandered back to their shared moment, just before his sister barged in and startled them both. It wasn't just her impression, she and Derek were indeed getting closer and closer, but Meredith tried to push the thought away by telling herself it was juts the heat of the moment.

She was glad Derek hadn't lied to her, but Meredith still remained a clumsy, young intern after all, maybe even too young for him, while he was the great Derek Shepherd, he was famous and completely out of her league.

Now that she found herself alone in her mother's dark hospital room, Meredith knew it was going to be a long night.

The peace had finally returned now that Derek was able to stay at the trailer alone.

During his first sister-free day he tried to resume something that resembled a training session. Nothing too stressful and most importantly nothing that involved the upper part of his body.

After lunch he made some phone calls.
Mark, first of all, to know about the latest game. The team had yet to play again, but Derek already knew he wasn't going to be able to play yet by that time. Still, he wanted to hear from Mark to make sure everyone was doing fine.

He then had to check in with Liz to tell her he was doing okay and there was no need to worry about him. Derek took advantage of the call to ask his sister if she had found out something more about Meredith.

"So? Did you ask around?" Derek asked in a hushed tone, although nobody was going to hear him.

"I did" Liz answered with a small sigh. She was conflicted and glad that she wasn't face to face with Derek who would've otherwise seen how nervous she was. He was a perceptive one, her baby brother.

"And?" Derek was impatient, he needed to know what Meredith had gone though.

Liz had found out a lot of things, scary things, sad things, that certainly wouldn't have done Derek any good. Without mentioning that she was invading a patient's privacy, not her patient, but still.

Liz was lucky she and Dr Wyatt had gone to med school together and we're very good friends, otherwise she wouldn't have said a word. But now, Liz wasn't sure she wanted Derek to know about Meredith's past.

"Just a few family problems when she was little, but nothing too important"
It wasn't a complete lie, Meredith had had big problems in her family since she was too little to understand, but Liz understood It wasn't her story to tell.

"That's it?" Derek asked, sounding disappointed.

"Yeah, sorry"

"It's fine, I just... Something bad has happened to her. I can tell Nancy and Kathleen know but they would never tell me" he sighed.

"Well, maybe it's better this. It's not their right to tell you, after all" she tried to reason.

"Maybe. Thank you for trying, though. I appreciate it"

During his lonely moments, Derek's thoughts often wandered to Meredith, because how could they not? He texted her and she texted back whenever she could. Meredith was always very busy and Derek knew that so he still hadn't asked her out yet. But Meredith seemed to be happy, her work was going well and her boss had told her she was considering reducing Meredith's and ger colleagues' punishment, and that made Derek happy even though he couldn't see her.

However, there were times his loneliness hit him hard. Sometimes, Derek didn't know what to do. He normally didn't have much free time because of the games, but whenever he did, he would train in the woods. He barely dedicated any time to other activities, except for the years he spent with Addison. During that time, he tried to spend as much time with her as possible, but evidently, something didn't work out the way they were supposed to. But that was the last and he had to move forward.

It wasn't long before a doubt started to consume his mind. Derek often thought about his latest game and there was something that didn't add up.
One morning, Derek reached for his laptop and googled the video of his accident his sister had shown him. It was painful to watch that big and tall idiot smash into him, both physically and emotionally. It was like relieving a nightmare.

Derek watched the video, pausing it, putting it on slow motion, analyzing every detail and eventually, he came to a simple but at the same time unsettling conclusion: the Yankee had hit him on purpose.

It was clear as day now. That wardrobe-shaped guy ran while staring at the ball as it flew in the air. However, he was looking in the wrong direction.

Derek was absolutely stunned, his hands went into his tousled hair as he tried to make sense of the situation.

Someone had deliberately tried to put an end to his career.

Chapter Text

Derek had been pacing the length of his trailer for the past twenty minutes. His mind was racing a mile per hour and he was having a hard time processing the news.
The opposing team had plotted his injury and his career had almost ended because of it.

Someone knocked on the door and Derek rushed to open it.

A sigh of relief escaped his mouth as he saw Meredith standing in the doorway.

"Thank you for coming" Derek said, letting her in.

"No problem, I had the day off and you said it was important" Meredith, said stepping inside the trailer.

He was anxious, she could read it on his face, feel the nervousness coming off of him.

By the time Meredith had closed the door, Derek was pacing again, wondering whether he should tell her or not. Maybe she was going to think he was crazy.

"Derek" Meredith put her hands on his shoulders, effectively stopping his frantic pacing.
"What's the matter?"

Seeing Meredith's concerned expression, Derek calmed down, his expression becoming serious once again but with a hint of determination too.
Without saying a word, he turned around and walked to his bed. She followed him wordlessly, knowing by his behaviour that he was about to open up.

Derek sat on the bed and Meredith beside him. He played the clip and she observed attentively, trying to understand what had gotten him so wound up.

Meredith noticed right away it was the video of him getting injured, but seeing it on tape didn't seem as painful as it did when she saw it happening right before her eyes.

The video ended right after showing the New York player crashing into Derek's side and sending him on the ground.
"You see it!?" Derek asked frantically, acting like a mad scientist after a gigantic discover.

Meredith wanted to say yes, she really did, for Derek's sake, but sadly she hadn't noticed whatever Derek was trying to show her.
"Derek, I..."

Those words were enough to make him roll his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, his hands raking through his already unruly hair.
"It's right there, I swear!" He exclaimed frustratedly.

"Hey, I believe you. Just... Show me again. Can you slow it down?" Meredith tried to reason with him, putting a hand on his forearm and keeping him from getting up.

"Yeah, okay" he whispered, seemingly calmer.

He fumbled a bit with the laptop keys before playing the video again.

Meredith got closer to the screen, she could feel Derek's expectant gaze on her.
She paused it and rewound it a couple of times, feeling Derek behind her basically exuding impatience, until she saw something.
"That guy should watch where he's going" Meredith commented, straightening up for a second and looking back at Derek, hoping she had gotten it right.

Derek's eyes widened, telling Meredith she was on the right path.
"And did you notice anything else?" He asked nervously.

Meredith turned back to look at the screen, observing the paused scene. She looked everywhere: the crowd, Derek and his teammate running around the bases and the Yankee running after the ball.

Fuck.

It was difficult to notice because of the poor quality of the video, but it was there.

"The ball is not going that way"

"Bingo"

Meredith stared into Derek's eyes for a few seconds. He had changed position by now, moving to sit at the other end of the bed so that his back could be propped up against the headboard.

"Derek you should report this, that guy could've sent you into a coma, or worse." Meredith said firmly.

"I don't know" Derek mourmured, sounding defeated. His knees were against his chest and he rested his chin on them.

Meredith shifted, sitting beside him.
"Why not? He deserves to be suspended, he's dangerous"

"I know but... I don't want to make things worse. It's not just the other players I'm worried about. That guy is really good, if I put him out the fans will be all over me"

Meredith couldn't say she knew what it meant to be famous. She was well-known in the medical field because of her mother. But Derek... Millions of people across the US knew who he was. Surely, not all fans were bad, violent people, but she knew some could be. She had stitched up quite a few people who got into fights right after a game.

"I heard some call you Traitor" Meredith said, agreeing with him.

Her request was met with a shrug.
"I was born in New York. We all were, me and my sisters, but after my dad died my mother needed a fresh start. Most of us were in college and she couldn't bear to stay in that house all alone so she moved here. She kept the old house though, sometimes she travels back and spends a few months there"

"Well, that's stupid" Meredith said convinced, but then realized how bad it sounded and hurriedly corrected herself.
"Not your mother, I get that. I meant the traitor thing. It's stupid"

"I know what you meant, don't worry" Derek chuckled, resting his cheek on his knees to look at her.

"What do you want to do?" Meredith asked, finding excruciatingly cute the way his head was tilted.

Derek shrugged, unsure about what was next.
"I guess I'll just get back to training and then I'll smash that guy. Figuratively, of course"

Meredith smiled, but she could see that there was something more lurking underneath the façade he tried to put up.
"Derek?"

"Mmh?"

"Is there something else on your mind?"

Derek bit back a sigh, she had once again saw right through him and once again he hadn't seen it coming. He thought he was good at hiding his feelings, that only his psychologist of a sister could read him like an open book. Apparently he was wrong.
Now he didn't know whether he should deny everything or give in and tell her everything.

Derek felt the need to talk to her and finally get that weight off his shoulders, but he didn't want to burden Meredith. She was already dealing with... Whatever she was dealing with. Derek didn't want her to worry about him too.

Huffing, Derek straightened up and tilted his head back against the headboard. There probably was no point in hiding his troubles, Meredith was onto something and if he knew her, and he did, she wasn't going to let it go, not when she was close to the truth.

"What if I'm not as good as before?" He blurted.

"Some injuries can leave your muscles rigid, provoke chronical pain, but... You're young, I know you'll make a full recovery... As long as you don't do anything stupid" Meredith stated, trying to reassure him, but also trying to prevent him from trying to train too soon.

"You flatter me but I have to tell you, I'm not that young" Derek smirked.

"No? You look like you are. And anyway, you're fit and you train regularly, you'll be okay" Meredith smiled, moving a bit closer to him.

"I hope so... I'm nothing without baseball" Derek mumbled quietly. The previous smirk disappeared completely, replaced by an uncharacteristic melancholy that made Meredith's heart clench.

"Hey, don't say that" Meredith tried to catch his attention by putting a hand on his shoulder, also in an attempt to comfort him.

"But it's true. I mean where would I be without it? I mean, yes I'd be a doctor but... Would I be good? Good like my sisters? Like you?"

Derek's turmoil was evident by the tormented look in his eyes, the fear of not being talented enough to be a doctor, of not being as good as the people who surrounded him.
"But you do have baseball. You're amazing, you're one of the best and even if you weren't there are people, kids out there that see you on the TV and want nothing more than be like you"

"You think?"
Derek's voice cracked, his eyes tearing up slightly because of her words.

"I know it. You could stop playing now and still be remembered as one of the greatest"
Meredith's gaze softened even more at the sight and cuddled closer to him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

Derek immediately melted into her side, his arms going around her waist.
As he tucked his head between her head and her shoulder, Derek tried to recall the last time someone had hold him so dearly, so closely. The last person who had ever shown him that kind of affection had probably been his mother, years and years ago.

Meredith gently guided him to rest his whole weight against her body, wanting him to relax and let go for a while. While she kept him close, a sudden thought came into her mind, an idea that might've helped him unwind. It was a gesture she had done a few of times, but those were moments of vulnerability on Derek's part, she wasn't sure he would've accepted it.

Nonetheless, Derek felt Meredith's slender fingers slide into his curls, gently rubbing his scalp.

A shiver ran down his spine at the pleasurable sensation and he let out a sigh, melting further into her embrace.
"I like it when you do that" Derek mumbled against her neck.

"Yeah?" Meredith asked, happy that he had accepted the gesture.

"Mmh" he nodded.
"You did it in the hospital I think"

"Yeah" Meredith giggled.
"You were so high, I didn't expect you to remember that"

"You underestimate me"
Derek sighed again and got impossibly closer to her, tightening his hold around her waist. He was clearly tired, a sign he probably hadn't slept well during the last few nights as a result of his injury.

Outside it was raining, what a surprise, and Meredith stared out of the window as Derek rested in her arms peacefully, enjoying the feeling of Meredith's have carding through his hair.

"Do you still take the meds?" Meredith asked, switching to doctor mode.

"I..." Derek hesitated, afraid that she would've gotten mad if he told her the truth.

"Derek?" There was a hint of warning in her tone, as if she was ready to scomd him if he said the wrong thing, but Derek also heard something else. Affection, concern.

"Not as much as I should" he confessed.
"I just don't want them to make me all dizzy and tired" Derek explained.

Meredith sighed but didn't let go of him, on the contrary, she tightened her grip on him.
"You don't like the effect painkillers have on you, don't you?"

Derek shook his head and sighed, not wanting her to be disappointed about him not following her orders, but at the same time he was unable to think about something worse than the feeling of helplessness that the meds awoke in him.
"I hate that I can't... Think, I can't control myself, I can't do anything except fall asleep"

"So you feel out of control?"

"Yeah, that's pretty much it"

Meredith's hand continued its motion through the strands, smoothing his hair away from his forehead.
"Okay. But don't stop taking them completely until you're fully healed, understood?"

"Mmh, 'kay" Derek mumbled, burrowing deeper into her embrace.

"Tired?" Meredith smiled down at him as she admired the content expression on his face.

"Mmh" Derek nodded, his nose brushing against her neck in the process.

"Get some rest then, I'll be here when you wake up"

Meredith didn't have to tell him twice.

Derek immediately wrapped his other around her waist as she lay down beside him. His head remained buried against her neck.

Meredith pulled him as close as possible and pulled the covers over them both. A small gasp escaped her when she felt one of Derek's legs intertwine with hers, but she let him get comfortable without protests. Her hand remained in his curls as she pressed her cheek against Derek's forehead, wanting to keep him close, protect him even. Inhaling deeply, Meredith caught Derek's unforgettable scent, the result of a mixture of pinewood and rain.

When she pressed a soft kiss to his forehead, Derek was already fast asleep.

Chapter Text

Only a few, privileged people, had had the luck to see what Derek Shepherd looked like when he was asleep.

It was a sight.

Derek was known for being a morning person, always up at the crack of dawn before everyone. But despite being a very calm and collected person, most of the time at least, Derek slept in a quite messy way.
His hair, otherwise always perfect, would stick out in every direction, his arms usually hugged the pillow as if it was a person, his crooked nose half buried in it.

But this time, the pillow was actually a person.

Meredith held him close as they rested and Derek hugged her tightly, his face hidden in the crook of her neck.

She was Derek's complete opposite.

Not because she slept in a... Tidy way, per se, since the bedsheets would always be rumpled and unkempt in the morning. They looked as if a hurricane had passed.

Sleepy Meredith was just as sloppy and disheveled as Derek. The difference between the two was that she hated waking up early. She was used to it because of her work, but if Meredith Grey had the opportunity to wake up just a few hours late, she would take it with no hesitation.

She was also a very heavy sleeper. While Derek could hear a pin drop while he slept, Meredith wouldn't wake up if a bomb exploded.

However, Meredith's stomach was starting to complain, causing her to wake up. Derek was still clinging to her in his sleep, holding her against him so tightly that it was hard for her to get up. She barely managed to reach for her phone in her pocket to check the time. 12:23 PM.

Glancing down, she saw Derek's head still hidden in the spot behind her ear, his soft breaths tickling her neck. Meredith tried to untangle herself from his embrace, but he didn't seem to want to let her go.

Meredith wiggled her body a bit, slowly managing to partly free herself. She was almost completely out of bed when she heard a gruff voice coming from behind her.
"Mmh no, come back" Derek whined, still half asleep.

Meredith couldn't help the chuckled that escaped her lips at his tone. She smiled down at him, noticing he hadn't moved an inch, his eyes still closed but his head was now on a proper pillow as Meredith was now on the edge of the bed.
"But I'm hungry" Meredith replied, the smile evident in her voice.

Derek reluctantly let go of her, rolling on his back. He ran a hand over his face and through his hair, the feeling of Meredith's hand moving through his curls rushing back in his mind and making him smile to himself.
"Time?"

"Half past twelve" Meredith replied, sitting up properly.

Derek finally opened his eyes and looked up at Meredith and God she was beautiful, even if barely awake. Her hair was a mess, the little make up she had on was a bit smudged, but whatever, Derek had seen her without make up as she didn't wear it at work and she didn't need it.
"You said you had the whole day off, right?"

One hour and a ferryboat ride later, Derek was manoeuvring Meredith's car through the parking lot of a small Italian restaurant near the market. They agreed on the fact that Meredith's old and scratched car would draw less attention than Derek's polished Porsche SUV. The restaurant was one of Derek's personal favourites, the owner was this old lady from Turin who had agreed to keep the press away from him whenever he ate there.

As they got out of the car, Derek offered his arm like the true gentleman he is and Meredith gladly took it, using it as an excuse to keep herself close to him. As they made their way towards the entrance, Meredith couldn't help but ask:
"What's with the disguise?"

Disguise meant the baseball cap and the sunglasses Derek was wearing.

"I don't want anybody to recognize me, people would start making rumors and I'd prefer if you didn't get involved in that" Derek explained.
He was quite notorious, especially in Seattle, people would stop him in the streets asking for a photo and autograph and he'd normally agree. He especially liked it when kids would timidly walk up to him, shakily handing him a piece of paper and a pen. In those occasions Derek would offer a smile and tried to put the kid at ease by crouching down to their level.

But not today.

Today it was about Meredith and Derek didn't want her to be forced to stand on the sidelines while he signed caps and smiled brightly for someone's camera.
Most importantly, Derek didn't want any paparazzi to see them together and start gossiping with their idiotic speculations and their unfounded rumors.

"Are people so invading?" Meredith asked sympathetically. She knew fans and photographers could really overstep boundaries from time to time. She still remembers when a journalist approached her as she was going home from school. She was fifteen, standing in front of a man asking her about her mother and a man called Richard Webber. Teenager Meredith Grey just told the man to go fuck himself and continued to walk, no run, because the guy was following her.

"Well, no, some are polite, but others won't stop in front of anything just for a blurred photo and I don't want anybody to interrupt us"

Meredith tightened her grip on his arm in a sign of thankfulness while they entered the restaurant.

Sitting in front of him at a table in a cozy corner of the room, Meredith silently watched Derek as he flicked through the page of the menu. He appeared calm, his sunglasses lay on the table but his cap was still on, hiding his beautiful curls, much to Meredith's dismay.
To be honest she was reading the menu as well, but then she saw him adjust the collar of his shirt out of the corner of her eye and it caught her attention.

"Not that I don't appreciate you staring at me, but you should really choose something. Don't wanna keep the waiter waiting" Derek said of a sudden without raising his head, but she could see him trying to contain a smirk.

Meredith felt herself blush very quickly and she tried to hide her face behind the menu, slumping in her seat.
"I... Wanted to see what you were gonna choose" Meredith mumbled, trying, and failing, to justify herself.

Derek grinned, unable to hold it in anymore and put down his menu.
"I come here once a month, at least, I always choose the same thing. I was just checking if there was anything new"

"Fine then" Meredith said, feigning annoyance and closing her menu.
"Suggest me what to order, oh great food connoisseur"
She was smirking too by now, making it impossible for Derek to keep a straight face.

Still, he tried to remain serious and crossed his arms over his chest.
"Don't mock me, otherwise I just might tell the chef not to cook anything for you" Derek warned her, a hint of playfulness evident in his tone.

"Fine, fine. Seriously though, what should I choose?"

"Alright, in my opinion... Spaghetti Bolognese would be perfect for you" Derek suggested with a grin.

"Okay then"

They ordered and Meredith surprised Derek by speaking with a very fluent Italian accent.

"Where did you learn that?" Derek asked in disbelief. He had been about to order for the both of them when she interrupted him with a perfect Italian.

"Backpacking around Europe after med school. Made a stop in Sardinia" she explained.

After lunch, they took a walk around the city, it had been a while since Derek or Meredith had taken some time to just walk around like tourists. Even worse, Meredith never got the opportunity to explore since she had first arrived. Seattle was magical in autumn, the rain was more frequent, yes, but the sight of orange leaves on the sidewalk near the Space Needle was priceless.
They talked and talked, Derek sharing family stories and Meredith recounting her experience in Europe with her friend Sadie.

Many times Derek was tempted to take her hand and let his fingers slip through hers. And many times he shook his head and restrained himself.

Eventually, they found a nice coffee shop and Derek finally had the opportunity to offer Meredith a coffee like he had been wanting to.
And they couldn't keep their eyes off of each other.

Meredith talked about some nice cases she had dealt with during her first few months as an intern and Derek listened intently. He liked to hear her talk and at the same time he paid attention to her every word, looking for clues about whatever she had gone through. But Meredith guarded herself from mentioning any of that.

—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—

It was time to go, Meredith was going to drive Derek to ferry dock and then once on the other side Derek was going to call a cab to his trailer.

Standing up, Derek put on his jacket and helped Meredith with her coat. He couldn't help but admire her as she fixed her hair and Meredith looked at him up and down as she did so, not wanting the day to end.

But as Derek turned towards the door of the coffee shop, the sight of a certain person made his stomach sink and his smile fade.
Meredith stopped beside him and spotted a gorgeous, redhead woman walking in their direction.

She stopped right in front of them, sizing Meredith up.
"Hi, I'm Addison Montgomery. And you must be the woman who's been screwing my ex boyfriend"
She said, extending her hand.

Meredith just started dumbfounded, her mouth hanging open. She shook Addison's hand loosely, almost shakily, taken aback by her beauty and at the same time shocked by the woman's very presence. She glanced quickly at Derek, only to see him starting at his ex girlfriend with a look of anger mixed with disappointment.

"Addison" Derek greeted through gritted teeth.
"What are you doing here" it sounded more like a demand than a question.

"Don't worry Der, I'm just here to see Nancy. I though I'd talk a walk around the city in the meantime" Addison put a hand on Derek's shoulder but he shrugged it off, not liking her overly-friendly behaviour.

Meanwhile, Meredith was fretting, she kept glancing between Derek and Addison as she fought the urge to just bolt away without looking back. Nancy had told them that Derek had broken up with Addison, right? She said 'ex boyfriend' so there was nothing going on. Still, Addison was so gorgeous and beautiful and her legs seemed so perfect and Meredith couldn't help but think that she was right.

Derek's ex girlfriend was so much more beautiful than her.

And Meredith kept replaying her words inside her mind. Not that they were true, but she felt the need to defend herself, and Derek.
"Derek and I are not hooking up" she blurted suddenly while Derek was still trying to get out of that uncomfortable situation.

"Sorry?" Addison asked since she hadn't heard.

"Mer—" Derek tried to stop Meredith, to tell her there was no need for her to apologize or explain, but she didn't let him.

"Derek and I are not... Together" she repeated a bit more quietly this time.

"Oh, don't worry I know, Nancy told me all about it. I was just kidding" Addison laughed. She seemed to be very much amused by the situation as she patted Meredith's shoulder in a friendly manner.

Meredith stared at Addison hand until she withdrew it completely. She was at a loss of words, the impulse to run was stronger than ever.

"Addison, please, I thought we were over this" Derek tried to reason with her, sensing Meredith's discomfort.

"We—"

"I think I need some air" she mumbled before walking away towards the exit without waiting for an answer.

Derek, not expecting her to bolt, was taken aback but quickly recovered and followed her after shooting a glare in Addison's direction who responded with an eye roll.

Meredith walked, aimlessly, without a destination. She knew she had to get away from there and fast, so she just walked. A pang of guilt ran through her as Meredith remembered she couldn't leave Derek, he hadn't done anything, after all. That thought made her stop in her tracks and a lump form in her throat.

What was wrong with her? Why would she ran away like that? Those words surely reflected the thoughts that were running through Derek's mind in that very moment. He was probably thinking she was crazy, strange, a weirdo, he—

"Meredith? Meredith!"
A pair of hands she was starting to know well went around her shoulders as a shadow fell on her.
"Hey"
Derek was standing in front of her, his tall frame towering over her more petite figure.

Meredith kept her head down, not daring to look up at him. Despite her best efforts, her mind was still running. She knew she was being irrational, but Meredith couldn't stop herself from thinking Addison's presence wasn't a coincidence.

"I'm sorry about Addison. She's... I'm sorry, please"
Derek kept apologizing, knowing his ex-girlfriend's presence probably made her uncomfortable.

"I know it's not your fault, I know" Meredith tried to reassure him, suddenly feeling guilty for making him think it was his fault. She looked up but didn't meet his eyes yet. Instead, she glanced around nervously seeking a spot to focus on that didn't involve Derek. "I just... She's beautiful, really" Meredith sighed.

Derek had to suppress the smile that was about to form on his face. He got a bit closer and took both her hands in his, gently stroking her knuckles with his fingers. "Meredith"

He waited for her to look at him before continuing. "You're gorgeous" Derek spoke with a smile. A pure smile and heart-shaped eyes. "And yeah, Addison is beautiful, but I don't make comparisons, that would be unfair. And stupid. What I want you to know is that Addison is in the past"

There was a red hue painted on Meredith's cheeks that Derek noticed but decided not to mention. She didn't remember the last time someone had managed to make her blush so hard before she met Derek. His touch was warm against her perennially cold hands and helped Meredith get ahold of her emotions.

Before Meredith could formulate an answer, she heard the sound of heels clicking against the ground.
Addison slowed down as she approached the couple, her eyes flicking between them as she tried to understand the situation.

Meredith slowly turned to look at her, Derek glared at Addison as usual. She was used to it by now and limited herself to roll her eyes.
"Meredith could I... talk to you? Just for a second" Addison told Meredith, her tone soft. It sounded sincere.

Meredith reluctantly nodded and stepped away from Derek. He didn't look too pleased about it, but he stayed put as the two women walked down the street walk.

"I wanted to apologise for making you uncomfortable. It wasn't my intention" Addison started.

Meredith just nodded, waiting for her to get to the point.

"What I want to say is that... I messed up with Derek. Don't do the same"

"Oh, uh, we- we're not together" Meredith stuttered nervously.

"Who said anything about being together?" Addison smirked.
"Look, all I'm saying is that Derek is... One in a million. Friend or boyfriend"

The two women stood face to face now, Meredith kept her hands in the pockets of her coat.
"Yeah, he sure look like he is"

Stepping closer, Addison put a hand on Meredith's shoulder.
"Don't let him escape" she smiled with a wink.

"I'll try" Meredith managed to smile back.

Chapter Text

Days went by and things slowly started to go back to normal.

Ellis Grey returned to Roseridge.

Derek passed his check up visit, so he was ready to get back on the field, but not before the second game against the Yankees.

Unfortunately, New York was leading 1-0 after that first unfortunate game. The second one had been postponed for two weeks already and it couldn't wait anymore. So, Derek could only hope the rest of the team would win and tie the series, otherwise it was going to get even more complicated.

On his first day back on training, Derek started soft, hitting a few good pitches and even scoring. However, he had to pause every once in a while, so as not to strain his ribs.

"Good session Shep" Mark complimented clapping him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, I wish I could do more" Derek replied a bit sadly.

"Don't stress it, it's only the first day. It'll get better"

Derek sat in the dugout with his teammates during the Mariners' second game against the Yankees. He itched to get on the plate, to hit a home run and wipe away those smug smiles from the opponents' faces. They kept looking at him with winks and knowing smiles, confirming what Derek already knew.

Eventually, the game ended. 8-6 for the Yankees. Everyone returned home disappointed, scared. The Championship was about to slip away and it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. They couldn't let it go.

Derek kept working, training hard and pushing through the pain. He did everything he could to get ready before game three. He was focused, but Meredith still held an important place in his mind, so much that he called her everyday, just to hear her voice and know how she was doing. In exchange, she told him about interesting cases and asked him how practice was going.

The sun shone down on Derek, but it wasn't warm. It was a weak sun, barely there and almost completely obscured by clouds.

Derek adjusted the cap on his head and tightened his grip on the bat. Mark was on the mound and nodded as his teammate. They were just warming up, but Derek took every pitch seriously. He swung the bat, hitting the ball with a satisfying thud and sending it in the crowd.

"Looks like you're ready to kick some Yankee ass today" Mark commented with a smirk.

"You can say that again" Derek agreed, looking over at the other part of the field where their opponents were warming up.

After 5 innings they were still tied 0-0. Derek's return brought back a balance between the two teams because after all, they were equal. The only difference was that the Mariners played fairly instead of knocking out their opponents.

Derek was next up to bat and he had had enough. He carefully eyed everyone as he was getting ready, chewing gum between his teeth and jaw set.

"Shepherd, you're up!"

It was his first pitch in a game since his injury and Derek had to admit he was feeling pretty nervous.

No, scratch that, he was scared.

Derek Shepherd was scared for a number of reasons, but he wasn't going to let it show. He walked as confidently as he could, trying to look like his usual cocky self.

The crowd erupted into cheers and applause that echoed in the stadium before going completely silent, letting Derek focus.
The pitcher regarded him a look of scorn mixed with mocking.

First pitch: strike.

Fine. It was only one, what did he expect? To return after a month and play perfectly? Well... Yes. But that was nearly impossible.

Second pitch: strike.

The silence was louder than ever and Derek could hear someone snicker in the opposite dugout.

He asked for a time out and adjusted his gloves. The sun was completely gone by now and a light breeze grazed his face. Derek removed the cap he was wearing underneath his helmet, setting it on the ground away from where he was standing.

Legs opened, knees bent and bat raised ready to swing. Eyes on the ball.

Derek squeezed his eyes shut when he swung, but he felt his bat hit the baseball and he literally bolted, making it to the first base just in time. So far, so good, no shortness of breath and no pain in his side. The crowd went wild.

His first pitch had been a success and he let himself relax a bit, easily slipping into his old habits. Sharp, concentrated. Because that was where he belonged.

The game continued smoothly, Derek's teammates hit a load of good pitches and he managed to arrive safely to home base, scoring.

Seattle Mariners won 2-0, beginning an ascent towards the come-back they oh so desperately needed.

That night Derek and the team remained in New York, celebrating the win and Derek's return before the next game in the Big Apple. A night out in the town and a bowling game that ended with a big dinner in the hotel dining room.

"So, I heard our star batter has found someone to... nurse him back to health" Mark whispered with a smirk, elbowing Derek in his good side.

Derek froze mid-chew, side-eyeing his teammate with a glare and returning his elbowing. He swallowed thickly and told his friend to "Shut. Up."

"C'mon man, gimme something at least. I'm dying here" Mark almost begged.

"Nothing's going on between me and Meredith" Derek gritted out.

"Whatever, we both know that's not true. But for now I'll leave you alone. But as soon as we're back in Seattle I assure you my friend I won't stop bugging you"
Mark warned with a playfully intimidating voice.

That's when Jackson Avery, one of the youngest members of the team interjected. "C'mon, cut the man some slack. He's the reason we won today" Jackson chuckled. He was the latest acquisition of the team and he fulfilled everyone's expectations. Mark had taken it upon himself to help him work on his skills since that played in the same role and now everyone called them the Pitcher Posse.

"Oh yeah? Why don't you tell us something about your girlfriend Avery?" Mark said as he turned to his protégé.

"What about April?" Jackson asked, suddenly regretting speaking up.

"Sorry, who's April?" Derek interrupted.

"They met at Joe's. Courtesy of yours truly" Mark explained with a smug expression. "Avery here eyed her all night but was too chicken to make the first move" he continued, smacking Jackson's shoulder.

"That's not true" the young player protested, moving away from his mentor.

"Yeah keep telling yourself that. What's with you two and doctors anyway?" Mark asked, changing the subject.

"What d'you mean?" Jackson raised an eyebrow suspiciously, not liking where the conversation was going.

"Well, you both of you have doctors in the family and your girlfriends—"

"Meredith's not my girlfriend" Derek interrupted.

"I swear to God Shepherd if you say that one more time I'm gonna start believing you" Mark rolled his eyes, tired of his friends constant denial.

"But it's true!" Derek was exasperated at this point.

"Fine. Then what are you? Friends?"

"I... Yes" Derek shrugged. Truth was, he wasn't sure either. They had talked, found out things about each other, but could that be defined as a friendship? Hard to say.

On the other side of the United States, Meredith Grey was taking a break from her hectic schedule. She was in an on-call room, lounging on a bed as her best friend Cristina kept nagging her about Derek.

"Seriously Cristina, nothing ever happened between me and Derek. Case closed" Meredith snapped after a while, tired of all the questions.

"Meredith, you're telling me that you are getting close to one of the hottest men I've ever laid my eyes on, you spent not one but nights at his house or whatever, and you didn't sleep together?? Sorry but I call bullshit" Cristina countered sarcastically, raising her hands in defeat.

"That's right, nothing happened"

"The options are two. Either you're lying or you're just incredibly stupid"

"Cristina!" Meredith protested with a huff.

"Fine. Okay. I just had to get that out of my system"

An hour later, Meredith had fallen asleep in the on-call room after Cristina left. Her dreamless sleep was disturbed by her phone suddenly ringing. With a curse, Meredith reached for it, slowly trying to wake herself up. However, when she saw the caller ID, her initial frustration melted away.

"Hey, sorry I couldn't call you sooner" Came a soft, familiar voice from the other end.

"Don't worry. What are you doing awake? It's late there" Meredith asked, a bit worried.

"I couldn't sleep without hearing from you" Derek admitted. Meredith could tell from his tone that he was a bit sheepish about what he had just said. But as cheesy as it sounded, it still brought butterflies to Meredith's stomach.

"I thought you'd be exhausted after the game. Congratulations, by the way" Meredith smiled, suddenly wishing he could see her.

"Oh believe me I'm halfway there" And he was. In that moment Derek was lying in bed in his hotel room. Sheets pulled up over him and phone on the pillow beside him.

"Did you feel okay during the game? Any problems?" Meredith asked, her medical training kicking in. Nothing in particular made her worry, she just wanted to make sure he was okay.

"It was alright actually. I thought I would've been in much more pain but it was manageable" Derek reassured her. He was just about to close his eyes, but he didn't want to stop talking to her.

"Good. You'll call me if something goes wrong, right?"

"I promise I'll call if something is wrong, or if something's right. I'll just call you, deal?" Derek half joked.

"Deal" Meredith agreed, trying to suppress a smile while she tried to imagine the grin Derek probably had on his face in that moment.

"You know, whether we win or not tomorrow there will still be at least a game in Seattle and... Y'know, I was wondering if... You'd like to come"
Derek spoke slowly and stumbled over his own words, trying to express his thought.

Meredith wasn't exactly a sporty person, let a alone a baseball fan. But the thought of seeing Derek play in his own element, at home, made her want to go. She had already seen him play after all, even though she hadn't programmed it.
"I'm bit tied up but I'd really like to come"

"Okay, we'll talk about it when I get back" Derek knew Meredith wasn't a fan of sports at all, but inviting her seemed a good way of showing what he could do best.

At some point, Derek stopped answering and Meredith felt a pang of concern in her chest. However as she listened closely, Meredith heard the sound of soft snores coming from the other side. A smile formed onto her face and listened for a while, almost falling asleep herself before finally hanging up and burying herself under the covers thinking about how much she missed him.

Chapter Text

The team's last match in New York had been a success. Derek hit two home runs, Mark's last fifteen pitches were all strikes. A perfect game.

Mariners: 2 wins
Yankees: 2 wins

The first to win 4 games was the new World Champion.

It was Derek's chance.
The team's chance.

One of the few teams who had never once won a championship. No shame in that, but still...

Derek was back in Seattle, the plane had just landed at SeaTac and after retrieving his bag he was making his way through the airport towards the exit.

But something caught his eye.

A whisp of blond hair and a familiar voice, calling out to him.

Derek turned, already knowing who it was. And who could it be if not her? Making his way to her, he dropped his bag on the floor when they were close and instinctively wrapped her up in his arms.

Meredith wasn't expecting such display of affection, but welcomed it nonetheless, wrapping her arms tight around his neck.

In that exact moment Meredith realized that they hadn't seen each other in a week and... She had missed him. More than she wanted to admit.

The warmth of his arms, his scent after days of separation was the best feeling in the world.
Like a warm hug during a cold day.
Getting under the covers on a winter night.
A scalding shower in December.

"I wasn't expecting to see you here" Derek spoke, his voice trembling from the emotions that washed over him after finally seeing her again.

"Just got off work. I thought I'd surprise you"

"Great idea" Derek pulled her impossibly closer, cupping the back of her head

Meredith shuddered slightly at the feeling of his thumb running over her scalp, but she suppressed it as much as possible.

That night, they both went back to Meredith's house which she shared with two of her fellow surgeons Izzie Stevens and George O'Malley. The latter just happened to be a major baseball fan.
Of course he knew Meredith had had the privilege to treat Derek, he asked her to switch places many times and at first she was tempted, but things then shifted and Meredith refused.

George almost fell off the couch when he saw the great Derek Shepherd walk through the door.

"You must be George" he grinned as he eyed the man. He looked so surprised his mouth was hanging open and his body was slowly sliding off the sofa.

Straightening up at the sound of the cheerful voice, George managed to get it together and stood, shaking Derek's hand.
"It's an honour to meet you, sir"

"Oh please, drop the 'sir' I'm not that old" Derek replied with a chuckle.

Meredith had warned Derek that George might have a similar reaction, but he accepted anyway. After all, he hadn't seen Meredith in so long and was willing to bear anything, as long as she was there.
So, they had decided to have dinner at her house even though it was past nine pm.

Thank God, George knew better than hover and ask Derek a shit ton of questions. All it took was a handshake and an autograph and then he was off to bed.

Derek and Meredith took it slow, wanting to pass a simple and calm evening away from the frenzy of work or practice.
After a pizza, they moved from the kitchen table to the couch. Meredith looked for a movie while Derek found a blanket and draped it over the both of them.

"Thanks" Meredith looked up at him as he sat down beside her.

"No problem, I saw you shivering" Derek smiled.

They found a movie to watch, but none of them was paying attention.
Meredith was busy wondering what would happen if she leaned her weight against him and snuggled inside his arms. It shouldn't have been such a big deal, they had slept in the same bed twice for god's sake! but she was hesitant anyway. Maybe it was something like a fear of rejection deep down that kept her from moving further.

Meanwhile, Derek was feeling warm. The additional heat from the blanket was unbearable for him, but he wasn't going to move from that spot. Instead, he shifted a bit and started removing his red sweater, revealing the white button down underneath.

Meredith glanced in his direction, her breath catching as she noticed his shirt riding up a bit.
Derek saw her reaction and smirked a little but decided not to comment on it and shuffled closer to Meredith.
In response, she snuggled closer prompting him to sling an arm over her shoulders.

A scene came up on the TV, it was about a girl almost drowning. It's engraved in Derek's mind because he felt Meredith shudder in that moment, when he glanced at her Derek saw her eyes fixated on the screen, not a single sign of emotion.

He turned his head fully, trying to get a better look. But he saw nothing.
Meredith's eyes seemed to be vacant, haunted.

Something came up inside Derek's mind, he remembered about what his sisters told him. And how could he forget?

There was something going on with Meredith. Something big she hadn't told him about.
Derek had no business in making questions though, Meredith couldn't know he had heard rumors.

Meredith had sensed he was looking at her and she turned too. What she didn't realize was how close they were. As soon as she moved her head toward his direction, they found themselves nose to nose.

Meredith couldn't help the small, almost inaudible gasp that escaped her mouth. Derek swallowed and parted his lips slightly while his eyes wandered all over her face.
It was dark, he could barely make out the grey-green colour of her beautiful eyes. The sound of the TV had disappeared, as if it had never existed.

It was just them, the rain hitting the asphalt outside and their pounding hearts and soft breaths.

Derek couldn't help but bring his hand up to her face, tracing her features with the lightest of touches, like he had done what seemed ages ago in the hospital. His thumb ran over her cheekbone and Meredith had to suppress a shudder. He then moved down to her chin, his finger traveled along the length of her jaw before it stopped behind her ear.
Only that this time he wasn't high.

Meredith had to suppress another shudder at the feeling of his fingers on her skin. When she leaned into his hand, Derek's movements stilled and he cupped her cheek. Warm palm against a cold but flushed cheek.

They moved almost subconsciously, slowly closing the gap. Meredith's hands rested against his abdomen and Derek winced almost imperceptibly at the feeling of her freezing hands against his skin through the fabric of his shirt.

So close, breaths mingling.

So close and yet so far when Meredith pushed him, making him fall backwards against the cushions. She leaned back herself and Derek was just about to ask for an explanation when he heard a cheery voice coming from the hallway.

"Hi, I didn't know you have company"

Derek took a second to regain his breath before turning towards the entrance.
There was a blonde woman, Izzie he presumed. Just his luck.

Meredith was leaning back against the armrest of the couch, looking around and fidgeting trying to forget how good his hand on her face felt.

The light in the hallway was on, the soft light casting a glow over the two figures on the couch and Izzie could now see their flushed faces and reddened cheeks.
Giving Meredith a knowing look on, she stepped into the living room.
"You must be Derek"

"Yes" Derek said sitting up and straightening his back. "Izzie right?"
He held his hand out.

Izzie shook it, surprised by the strong hold.
"I didn't mean to interrupt you, have a good night"

And with that she was off, up the stairs towards her room.

Meredith wanted to protest, say that she hadn't interrupted anything and that they were just talking. But Meredith didn't have the guts to do it, especially in front of Derek.
Honestly, she was getting tired of all the denying. There was something between them, it was obvious, but they had yet to admit it to themselves.

And anyway, Izzie was gone before Meredith could even open her mouth.

Derek felt a bit self conscious. Meredith was so much younger than him. She had a lot of things to deal with between her internship and whatever she was going through.
On the other hand, he should be focusing on winning a world championship before retiring. He recovered from his injury, there's no excuse for him not to give his very best.

"I should, uhm, leave you to rest"

Meredith was lost in her own thought too. She knew he felt something. What? Meredith didn't have a clue. Because truth was, she too felt something.
Every time she laid her eyes on him, whenever he smiled with those dimples and looked at her with adoration-filled ocean blue eyes.
Her stomach would flutter, she would feel the heat creep up her neck until her cheeks would redden.

The thought that they almost kissed, that they were so close, set out butterflies in her stomach.
Meredith could still feel his stomach rise and fall beneath her hands.
Still, she was very aware of the fact that she might represent a distraction for him. It was a delicate time, he had gotten better but the team hadn't won yet and Derek needed more than anything to stay focused, there were no mistakes allowed.

His words brought her back to reality.

"What?" She asked. Meredith had heard him, but she wanted him to stay as long as possible.

"I said I should go. You have work in the morning right?"

"Yeah... Yeah I do"

So Derek got to his feet as the blanket slowly slid off of him. He stretched his arms over his head and Meredith stood too, ready to reluctantly walk him to the door.
They both headed towards the entrance, still feeling warm and tingly.

Soon, Derek had his coat on and they were standing in front of the closed door.

"Thank you for tonight" Derek looked at her in the eye, the previous bashfulness he had shown in Izzie's presence was gone.

"You're welcome" Meredith didn't look at him, instead she brought her hands up to the collar of his coat, straightening it. But it was just an excuse to step a little closer.

Despite his resolution to concentrate on the championship, Derek couldn't help but want to be around her. That's when something he had said a few nights prior came to his mind.
"I know I've already said this but... We've got two games in Seattle in a few days..."

"You want me to be there?" Meredith asked hopefully.

"I do. Absolutely" He was tense, but sincere. Probably afraid of rejection.

"Then I'll be there, promise"
Meredith smiled up at him, wanting to reassure him.
One of her hands that rested on his shoulders still moved up and sunk into his curls.

Derek's eyes fluttered shut and Meredith felt him shiver. Over the time she had learnt how much he liked having someone to run their fingers through his hair, how much it calmed him.

Meredith continued her ministrations for a minute before stepping back. It wasn't the right moment. It took Derek a moment to regain his composure.
"I'll see you?"

"You know you will" Derek smirked.
He couldn't resist the closeness, although they hadn't managed to express their feelings, Derek had to show her, at least. Nothing big, just something to make her understand how much he cared.

Derek worked up the courage to lean down and quickly dropped a kiss on her cheek. He ached to linger some more, to pull her closer, but it wasn't the right moment.

A second later Derek was out of the door, leaving Meredith with her heart in her throat.

Eventually, Meredith managed to move again and went to retrieve the blanket that was on the couch to take it to bed.
She was in the middle of folding it when Meredith noticed something else on the armrest.

Derek's sweater.

It was still warm. Bringing it up to her face, she noticed it smelled like him.

He won't mind, will he?

No, he won't mind

Meredith put it on, feeling its warmth. Not quite the same as being hugged by him, but that would have to do for the time being.