Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Time did not stop for anyone. That was what Han Hyeongjun knew from the start.

Around him were people with other people, hands interlocked and unwavering smiles as they stared at one another. He had always seen this; his family had shown these kinds of affection in front of him with their partners, even with his friends when they were barely high school students.

At birth, a person would have a partner fated to them, however this would only be realized the moment the person would have entered their prepubescent stages of life. A hollow vein would then appear on their wrist, and as they age, the vein would connect to the center of the body—the heart. If it remained hollow by then, the person would inevitably meet their demise, one way or another. Most deaths recorded are natural. Cardiac arrests—that even the greatest doctors were not able to save patients from—were the most common death, but there were also alleged cases of death where fate was only to blame. To avoid such tragedy was to find the soulmate assigned by fate. If a person met their soulmate, then the vein would be filled with blood upon contact of their soulmate’s hand and would instantly connect to the heart regardless of how long the vein was prior.

As beautiful as it sounded, Han Hyeongjun thought otherwise. When he was only fifteen, he was struck with a terrible sickness and when he and his parents consulted a specialist, they were told that everything else in his body was completely fine, except his hollowed vein.

It was starting to reach his heart.

So, they started to search for his soulmate and searching for a fated partner was easy; once a person would be within the vicinity of their fated partner, their hollowed vein would glow, the brightness would depend on the distance.

On one random visit at the cemetery, Han Hyeongjun's strolled around while his parents bid their goodbyes at the headstone of his grandparents. Upon his stroll, his hollowed vein glowed.

Brightly.

When he was beside a headstone of a girl who died before she reached fourteen.

As protocol, fate vein examinations were mandatory at the age of thirteen, and once a person’s examined, they would have a soulmate that couldn’t be changed forever. That was the case for Hyeongjun; both he and his assigned soulmate had their fates checked at the same time, but his soulmate met a tragedy that he would have to face as well.

Although he was quite resolved that life could be beautiful regardless of how cruel it was, there was no mistaking that he was fated to die. That did not waver him, though. Regardless of his ill-fated life, he chose to live it out the best he could, because he could see it in other people—in their smiles and in the glow of their veins, how good life was for them, and that he felt he wasn’t any less deserving of a good life despite fate and its efforts to deprive him of one.

However, as time continued on, his resolve was slowly starting to shake. On some days, he could hardly walk, on some, he could barely lift an inch of his finger. Sometimes his heart would stop for a few seconds, but it had yet to turn into an actual cardiac arrest. Because of this, it was too disruptive for him to continue studying and so he dropped out before he could reach his second year in high school. His family was also starting to struggle financially thanks to his constant check-ins to the hospital, which subsequently led them to moving out of the city he loved. In short, life wasn’t getting any better for him. 

There just wasn’t a sign of a good life written in his fate.

He always wondered whether it was fate who was doing all of this, and why did it have to? Wasn’t it enough that he was fated to die, why did it have to affect everything else around him? Why couldn’t he just die without struggling so much? But, Han Hyeongjun never dwelled in these thoughts. It was always just in the back of his head, waiting, itching, and hungry to devour him if he showed any sign of weakness. He never allowed it.

He would never allow it.

There was one thing that kept him going; he would continue to trudge along the world with his fragile heart in hopes that he could, at least, leave this world without the bitter feeling he had lived with for all of his life.

Chapter Text

In a little town in the countryside, it was always a clear sunny day. It would already be hot for Han Hyeongjun to bear so he coped with wearing light clothes and staying under the shade of his family’s freshly revamped and reopened noodle restaurant called Junhan’s Noodles. It wasn’t huge nor was it small, but it was good enough, and the air flowed nicely within the store as ventilation came in and through from the windows.

Hyeongjun sighed, his long hair that was overdue for a cut followed the direction of the air he breathed out. His slender fingers rippled along the elm counter, careful enough not to glide them as it still hadn’t been polished. Although the restaurant was situated at the heart of the town, people barely came in, yet Hyeongjun continued to wait anyway. After all, it had only been a week since they opened shop. He also expected that there’d be more people coming in for the day on the weekends, but it had been six hours and the only person that came in was his father who was moving in some extra furniture.

His parents were busying themselves with hammering decorations on the walls. The entire restaurant looked more like a flower shop with all the strands of faux leaves covering the cornice. The string lights that his mother hung on the walls were donned with pieces of butterfly origami that he made a few days ago. While his father, on the other side of the wall, busied himself by drilling a shelf so that they could put in the board games and other books that Hyeongjun gave.

“Sweetheart, does it look good from there?” His mother asked Hyeongjun, a grin on her face as her eyes twinkled at the sight of her creation.

Although he caught the look on her face, he couldn’t help but reply snarkily. “I don’t think customers will come from the counter, mom.” He replied, in which he only got a pout in return. Much to his snarkiness, he was also weak to such advances from his mother. “It’s beautiful, but we should focus on trying to get customers in.” He made sure his tone was much gentler this time.

His father joined in, “The reason why customers don’t come in is because the place looked bleak, but now it’s a little lively.” He said, stepping back from the wall. He was already done with his work just right after his wife. “This looks okay. How’s it looking there, son?”

Hyeongjun sighed for the umpteenth time today, “It’s beautiful . Both sides are.”

“Oh jeez, don’t be so gloomy over there, we’ll have customers coming in no time.” His father grinned at him.

“I’m not gloomy, dad…” He leaned into his arms on the counter, his hair falling flat on the surface as he did. He understood why his father would think he looked glum, it was probably because Hyeongjun hadn’t moved from the counter since he entered the restaurant.

Still smiling, his father sighed as he rested his hands on his hips. “I know you aren’t, but I know you’re bored. Why not go out and get some sun? No, actually, you should go out and get more screws, we’re about to run out. Honey, give him the money I lent you.”

His mother walked towards the counter, her hand digging into her pockets, “Here, get something for yourself, too.” She took Hyeongjun’s hand and placed the money on his palm, her glowing vein and skin contrasting his paleness. It didn’t bother him anymore.

“Get something? Am I a kid or something?” He mumbled.

“Of course you are, you’re my little baby.” His mother cood up to him as he reluctantly accepted the hug. “Alright, you go on ahead.”

As Hyeongjun made his way out, his father placed a hand on his shoulder. “Don’t take too long.”

“Okay dad.”

Soon as he stepped out, the wind blew a cold breeze through his raven locks and the warm sun hit his skin. For anyone, this was an ideal weather, but for Hyeongjun, he couldn’t waste any more time under the sun unless he’d want to start feeling overstimulated. Still, he enjoyed the feeling of being out anyway. He barely went out, and no thanks to the sickness he bears, but when he did he’d feel slightly better.

He walked down the plaza. People roamed about but it was nothing compared to the crowds back in the city that he was used to. This was what he liked the most about the town; there weren't many people, and it was also small so it was a piece of cake to stroll around.

It didn't take Hyeongjun more than ten minutes to reach the hardware store that was only a block down from the noodle shop and thankfully, he didn’t feel like slop after his walk. He had only been at the hardware store once when he had to pick up some tools with his father and he noticed, at the time, that the store was just as small as any store in town. It was evident that the town is notorious for being small…with everything and even its population.

He also noticed that there was only one person working at the counter (an elderly person), but today there was someone else. Someone his age, too, and was staring directly at him like he was a zoo attraction.

Hyeongjun had to look behind him to see if he was just overthinking it, only to be greeted by the boy’s gaze on the mirror conveniently placed there. He swallowed the lump in his throat that he wasn’t aware of, discomfited by the boy who couldn't seem to take his eyes off of him.

The boy was just about Hyeongjun’s height, looking as if he just got out of bed with his hair obviously dyed brown in a dishevelled overgrown buzz cut, his natural roots just peeking about. Hyeongjun also noted how his features resembled much of a fox, and it kind of explained his pajamas underneath a threadbare apron, completely an inappropriate outfit for serving customers, but then Hyeongjun reminded himself that this was a hardware store, not a restaurant so it did not really matter.

Finally, the fox boy spoke, seemingly snapping out of his thoughts. Hyeongjun suppressed a sigh of relief or discontentment, he wasn’t sure which. “S-sorry, uh, anything you’re looking for?” The boy moved out of the counter and approached him. He didn’t notice it earlier, but the boy was wearing a nametag; Seungmin . However, there was something else he noticed.

His fate vein was half-empty.

Hyeongjun had never seen something like it before, nor did he know such a thing exists. Everyone had their vein filled, not just by half, and if it wasn’t filled then it just meant that they hadn’t met their soulmate yet, or they probably shared the same tragedy he had. Why was his half-empty? Before he could get caught staring, he cleared his throat and faced the mystery of a man named Seungmin.

“Screws,” He said. His surprise still hadn’t subsided as he realised that he forgot his manners. “please.”

Seungmin’s lips formed into a small smile, “Right here.” He tilted his head as he moved deeper into the store, Hyeongjun following right behind as the small space couldn’t house two people standing next to each other, and they stopped right at the array of boxes of screws and nails. “Any size you’re looking for?” Seungmin turned to him.

Hyeongjun almost cursed himself. He forgot to ask his father, but he didn’t want to seem like a dimwit either. “Just the normal size.” His voice came out quieter than he thought.

“Uh, there isn’t a normal size.”

Oh no. “Can I check the sizes then?”

Seungmin held his gaze on Hyeongjun for a brief second before moving aside, “Sure.” He said, allowing Hyeongjun to take the space.

Hyeongjun obviously wasn’t looking for a size—actually, he didn’t know how to look, he didn’t know what the numbers on the boxes meant. Number 2? Is number 2 what Dad wanted? Why is this so hard? He inwardly cursed the boxes for its lack of visual presentation. Still, he moved his hands around as if he knew what he was doing, while also wondering why he bothered acting like he knew about screws in front of a total complete stranger he knew nothing about. He wasn’t going to see him again, anyway.

After a painfully long time of putting up an act, Seungmin spoke again. “Are you sure you know what you’re looking for?” Hyeongjun immediately stopped and felt heat that crept up to his ears in which he could finally thank himself for growing his hair out or else Seungmin would see his embarrassment flare out.

Much to his pride, however, it could only go so far. He stepped aside, “No, I can’t seem to find the one I’m looking for.” Hyeongjun replied.

Seungmin took his place once again, shuffled through the boxes and handed him a box with a huge #8 labeled on it. “Here, this one’s the average size for anything.” Seungmin said, his voice gentle and not condescending. It was one thing Hyeongjun was a little grateful for but he also wished that Seungmin just handed it earlier—he would have avoided feigning knowledge about screws.

“You said there wasn’t an average size.” He did his best not to sound sulky, but the words that came out of his mouth didn’t seem like he wasn’t unbothered.

“I said there wasn’t a normal size.”

Hyeongjun’s brows furrowed, “Is there a difference?”

The corner of Seungmin’s slightly twitched, “I’d show you how different it is, but it’ll take us a long time.” Something in his demeanor changed after he said that, and Hyeongjun couldn’t put a finger on what had changed. “Will that be all?”

Hyeongjun resisted the urge to narrow his eyes, “Yes.”

“Come on then, I’ll ring you up.”

Before Hyeongjun could move aside, Seungmin slipped into the small gap in front of him, causing his body to stiffen and his heartbeat to stop for a split second when the latter’s fingers brushed against his to grab the box of screws before he walked past him.

Hyeongjun placed a palm to his chest. He just touched you accidentally. He tried to calm himself down, but his mind seemed to go haywire. He wasn’t fond of being touched by others so a nervous reaction from him was no surprise, but his heart seemed to beat faster than it should…and for some reason, he did not exactly dislike what happened, but he did not know what he felt about it either. He shook his head, not wanting to waste any more of his time and followed Seungmin to the counter.

Seungmin pulled out a clipboard with names, dates, and items purchased listed down on each column. “The screws are 1200 won. I’ll need your name for insurance.” He held out a pen.

Hyeongjun gulped, glancing at the pen before looking back up to Seungmin’s face. “It’s just a box of screws.” Hyeongjun said, cautious enough not to take the pen, and he placed his payment on the counter. His heart still hadn’t calmed down.

Seungmin shrugged at this, his facial expression unreadable. “Just in case?” A smile formed on his lips in which the former did not reciprocate.

He cleared his throat before pulling the clipboard away, his fingers rappelling a staccato on the board before he spoke again. “Alright, no insurance then, but you can come back if you change your mind about the screws.” Seungmin’s smile came back, only that it was a little sheepish this time.

Hyeongjun raised a brow but decided not to say what he thought. “Thanks.” He said, but his gaze was held once again by Seungmin for a few seconds before he snapped out of it and turned around to scurry out of the store.

He’s weird. He’s a really weird guy. Hyeongjun thought.

On the way back to the restaurant, his mind continued to relive his interaction with Seungmin, sometimes with a twist of his imagination wherein he’d decide not to respond to Seungmin in the beginning, and while it felt nice for Hyeongjun to imagine, his mind would always find its way back to that moment when the back of his fingers felt Seungmin’s touch. At the time, he couldn’t describe the feeling, but now that he processed everything, he remembered how warm Seungmin’s fingers were against his own cold skin. Of course, Hyeongjun knew that it was just an inevitable interaction despite his best efforts to avoid physical contact especially from strangers, but he certainly hadn't expected his own reaction. He didn’t even know the guy, but for some reason, his heartbeat would pick up the pace when he thought of Seungmin.

Or maybe it was a different kind of reaction?

Upon arriving at the restaurant, Hyeongjun felt an irritable itch around his neck that he did not notice his parents racked in three customers and immediately rushed to the back of the restaurant where he dropped off the screws at the counter.

His mother, however, noticed his hastiness. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Dropping the utensils in hand, she followed Hyeongjun to the sink where he scooped cold water onto his neck.

He tried to stay calm. He did not want his mother to worry too much, but truly, his skin started to feel like it was on fire. “I’m fine, mom. I think I just stayed out a little too long.” He said, but his lips were starting to itch now.

“Have you taken your meds?” His mother began to soothe his back which he pulled away from because even the slightest touch felt like hell. “Oh, I’m so sorry, angel…”

Hyeongjun couldn’t bear the feeling anymore, both of his body and how he was starting to make his own mother feel bad. “I’m okay, I just need to rest a little bit.” He told her and she nodded.

Thankfully the rash hadn’t reached his lower body yet, it probably would later on in his nap, but he needed to rush up the stairs to the apartment first before it could worsen. Although Hyeongjun knew it was only a slight flare up, he was also bracing himself for the worst since it didn’t even take him thirty minutes in the sun for him to have an allergic reaction. He was quick to realize that his body had worsened and it would only be so as time continued to pass, but god, was it infuriating.

The staircase leading up to the apartment was dark with light only seeping through the small blinds. There were two reasons why his parents chose to move into this specific building: one, for the space downstairs which allowed them to reopen the abandoned restaurant and two, for the lack of sunlight upstairs.

From the stairs was a hallway of doors; three on the left, one on the right. The left were the rooms where Hyeongjun stumbled around just to get into his own door. He was already used to the dark but the itching on his back that was starting to spread was too disorienting for him to handle.

As soon as he got into his room, he turned his little moon lamp on and rummaged through a storage box filled with medicine. He was starting to sweat, much as he tried not to panic, though it seemed to translate into his hands when he trembled upon peeling a medicine out of its wrapper and taking it in. He grabbed a bottle of water on his desk and gulped it down to the dregs.

It would take fifteen minutes for the medicine to start working, so he plopped himself down onto his bed, burying his face into his pillows.

He wanted to scream, to shout, but all that came out of him was a sigh. He was tired of having to deal with something so inconvenient. He wanted to cry, because the weather was beautiful today yet he couldn’t bask in its warmth as much as he wanted to. Every day, he was forced to hide himself in the dark, thanks to his cursed body and fate.

At times like these, he would imagine a life without fate being a defining component of a human. What would it be like if he had just lived normally? These thoughts were too self-indulgent for him, too. He didn’t want to think anymore.

He laid on his side and hugged his legs tightly. The pulsating feeling on his neck was starting to calm down but his heart hadn’t. Did it start at the hardware store? He thought, but he remembered clearly that he felt fine except for an irrational racing heartbeat, and then he thought about Seungmin again. He wondered what it was like for someone like Seungmin to live normally without having to deal with illnesses and taking up medicine and puking their guts out a few hours later due to its side effects. He wondered what it was like for Seungmin to live carelessly, even though he did not know anything about him. He knew he was being irrational; even Seungmin had his fate vein half-filled, and there could be problems that come with it just like what Hyeongjun himself would have to face.

Still, he kept wondering, and even wondered why he was thinking of Seungmin. What was it about him that made Hyeongjun want for more? Why was an insignificant moment much bigger than he thought? He wanted to stop thinking about Seungmin but at the same time he wanted to know more about him, and he also wanted to know why he felt like this. Trains of thoughts came flooding through him, although the timing was terrible. Maybe it was the way he stared at me. Or maybe the way I acted. Or maybe because his fate vein was half-empty. Or maybe it’s just my body flaring up again. Was it the weather? The screws?

Before he realized it, his eyes drooped shut, despite the itching and burning pain that he felt was starting to spread down his legs. He quickly fell into a deep slumber thinking about the fox-boy from the hardware store, and it would take him hours before he could wake up again.

Chapter Text

Han Hyeongjun was at the restaurant again. Today, he tied his hair half up and wore light clothing in bluish hues. He made sure that his arms were concealed to avoid any questions from possible customers, if any would come in today.

What he did not know was this; during his one day sleep, his parents managed to rack in almost a hundred customers. The decorations did help but it was Hyeongjun’s loss for not being able to see how. Well, of course, he ended up finding out as he saw the logbook of orders. He’d automatically sigh whenever he thought about it since he missed out on seeing the restaurant filled and also since he wasn’t able to help out while it was busy. And yes, his nap did not take him a few hours. He was well aware he wouldn’t wake up for a long time but he hoped that he would anyway.

As a compromise, he decided to stay in no matter what. He couldn’t risk getting another attack of whatever the hell his body was trying to do to him—or was it fate?—and was determined to help out for the day.

So far, there had only been one person who entered in the first two hours of opening the shop. Since there wasn’t much service to do, Hyeongjun sat beside the counter and looked out on any potential customers, all while having a ukulele in his hands. He couldn’t bother taking out his guitar from upstairs since he still hadn’t sorted out some of his belongings—the ukulele was the only thing he found from the mound of things in his room.

He rested his head on the counter, his fingers listlessly strumming the strings of the instrument in a melody he played by muscle memory. He wasn’t a very good singer, he just knew the basics, but he hummed along anyway as he waited for customers to come in. It was also a way to distract himself from his own thoughts, he’d rather not deal with them today.

While he busied himself with the ukulele, he wasn’t aware of the two men outside who only caught his attention after one of them shouted, “Get me the melon one!” then entered the shop. Quickly, he got up from his seat as the two men approached the counter.

“Good morning—”

The tall man held his hand up, “What’s good about mornings if it just ruins my sleep?” His mid-length black hair amplified the gloominess of his morning as it curtained the shape of his face, casting a shadow on his eyes.

The shorter blonde with terribly large sparkly eyes nudged him at the side, “Don’t be rude. Good morning to you too, miss.” He winked, almost too perfectly. Hyeongjun was amazed by it a little. “I would like the house special and give this donkey the same thing but without vegetables, please.”

Hyeongjun was so surprised with how fast the conversation was going that he didn’t notice he got called “miss.” “Not a single ounce of vegetable, please. Also I do not look like a donkey, Jiseok. Stop calling me that.” The tall guy pouted uncharacteristically, while Hyeongjun listed down their orders in a notepad. “Do I look like a donkey, miss?”

Miss? Do I look like a girl…? Hyeongjun thought as he slowly looked up from the notepad, only to be greeted by two pairs of eyes who were actually anticipating his answer.

He cleared his throat, “Uhm, I don’t think so. Also, I’m a guy.”

“Oh shit.”

“Whoa, you looked like a girl, I’m sorry.” The blonde Jiseok person said, “I don’t mean it in a bad way. Androgynous people are cool as hell.”

On the other hand, the person who clearly-had-a-terrible-morning furrowed his brows and said, “Uh, I think you need to stop talking.”

“Shut up, Joo.”

Hyeongjun stifled a laugh as he hid his smile behind the notepad, catching the two’s surprised reaction as they snapped their heads back to him. He couldn’t help it, they were a bit funny. “It’s alright. Will that be all?” He asked.

It seemed that he managed to reassure them as a smile finally splayed across their faces. “Actually, our friend is still at the store getting ice cream. I’m not sure what to get for him since it’s only my second time around here.” The Jiseok guy said, “In other words, can you help us choose for him?”

A refute came from the Joo guy, fuck, Hyeongjun didn’t know what to call them anymore. “Wait, why are we ordering for him?” Joo seemed more peeved about it than concerned.

Jiseok whispered something in the taller’s ear before they both started jumping giddily in place. Hyeongjun simply watched confusedly. “What’s the spiciest noodles you guys have?” The blonde’s smile stretched into a large grin.

Hyeongjun himself wasn’t sure, so he pulled out the menu from the corner of the counter. “Uhm, I think it’s this one.” He pointed at the reddish colored noodles, because anything red was spicy, and also because it was labeled as Schezuan Pepper Noodle Soup.

“We’ll have that one for him.”

“Alright, please take your seats and we’ll have your order ready in fifteen minutes.” Hyeongjun said before making his way to the kitchen where his father was busy kneading the dough for the noodles. “Dad, we’ve got customers.” He said as he hung the note on the rack.

His father looked up, “Oh? Finally.” He breathed out in relief, grabbing the paper Hyeongjun just hung. He perused the note for five seconds before he looked back up at Hyeongjun, “Isn’t it too early for spicy food?”

Hyeongjun shrugged, “People have their own preferences.”

“You’re right, but this might be a little too spicy to eat at nine in the morning.” A grimace fell on his father’s lips. His reaction made Hyeongjun feel concerned now since he helped the customers choose for their friend, which he realized why they were snickering; they were pulling a prank on their poor friend. Hyeongjun was about to grimace as well until his father spoke again. “Well, that’s none of our business, right?” His father huffed out with a smile and went back to kneading the dough, clearly saying that the important thing was they were making money out of someone’s potential pain.

Hyeongjun did not like showing it, but he was a tenderhearted person despite his introvertedness, and he felt a little off about the spicy noodles. He shrugged it off anyway. The bigger concern was that he needed to help his parents out. “Want me to help you with that?” He asked his father whose grunts were getting rougher each time he pressed on the dough.

His father shook his head, not sparing a look for Hyeongjun. “Nope. You go back out, your mother and I’ll be fine here.”

The truth was, his father felt guilty that he convinced his son to go out when he knew what that would result in. Hyeongjun knew that it gnawed at his father from the moment he woke up from his sleep where he was greeted by his father who had a very guilty look on his face. It took Hyeongjun a painfully long hour to convince his father that he was not at fault, but the cloud still lingered above his head even after they had talked it out. It bothered Hyeongjun, he hated to see that his parents were walking on eggshells around him just because of an inevitable thing they could not control, and he knew that nothing he would say could keep them from feeling as such, so he bowed his head down and left the kitchen.

He came back to the front where he took a seat behind the counter again, trying not to let the gloominess of his father affect him. He was about to take his seat until he saw somebody standing in front of the counter, and actually, it wasn’t just somebody.

It was Seungmin from the hardware store.

Seungmin, who had a half-empty vein.

Seungmin, who Hyeongjun last thought of before falling into his deep slumber.

And Seungmin, who broke the ice with a chuckle. “Wow, what a surprise. I didn’t think I’d see you again.” He said in a breathy manner, almost in relief, maybe. He seemed equally as shocked as Hyeongjun was.

He noticed that Seungmin wasn’t in his pajamas anymore; he had quite an elaborate fashion as he donned a black denim jacket with an off-white shirt underneath. Hyeongjun couldn’t look down much further as the counter blocked his field of vision, but he could tell whatever pair of pants Seungmin wore, it was going to match the top. His hair, however, was still as messy as Hyeongjun remembered.

He had to shake his head to get himself together, “Uh, yeah, uhm.” He wanted to clamp his mouth shut but he had to remember that Seungmin was a customer. “What would you like to order?” Hyeongjun wiped his hands on his sides, he did not know what to do with them as he started to feel tense around Seungmin.

Hyeongjun received a hum for a response, “I don’t know, are you on the menu?” A smirk reached Seungmin’s lips as they stared at each other for a few seconds, which was what Hyeongjun needed to process what he had just heard.

When he finally came back to his senses, “W-what? No, uh, sorry.” he wasn’t sure how to respond. What could even be a good response to that kind of question anyway?

Seungmin let out a soft laugh at Hyeongjun’s reaction, “I’m kidding. I was just checking the menu, I wasn’t going to order. My friends did it for me already, didn’t they?”

Oh, them . Hyeongjun gulped.  “Uh, yes, they got you the Schezuan Pepper Noodle Soup.” He began to hope that Seungmin was fond of spicy food, since he did play a part in his friends’ little prank by showing them the spiciest dish on the menu.

“Ah,” Seungmin hissed. “Those idiots. I hope it’s not too spicy, then.” Hyeongjun winced.

Though, he quickly responded with, “I can have it changed for you.” He fidgeted with his fingers below the counter so that Seungmin wouldn’t have to see that he was starting to feel awkward, because, god damn it, why were his friends pulling a prank on him? Why did Hyeongjun show them the menu? Why did Seungmin have a terrible spice tolerance?

Hyeongjun was about to turn around to head back into the kitchen, until Seungmin stopped him. “Oh, no, it’s alright. That would be bothersome.” His voice was awfully light despite the hint of hastiness in it, that even Hyeongjun’s anxiousness about this whole situation slowly calmed down.

“I helped them choose, so…” He pressed his lips into a thin line.

Seungmin blinked, his brows that were raised went back down as he smiled. “Well then, all the more reason not to have it changed.” Does this guy have a death wish? Hyeongjun thought, but the smile on Seungmin’s face said otherwise.

Suddenly, Seungmin leaned onto the counter, the proximity of their faces were dangerously close which caught Hyeongjun off guard but he quickly separated his hands from one another. He could recall the sea as wafts of its scent flowed past him, and he realized it was coming from Seungmin himself.

What a nice smell. Hyeongjun thought, looking into Seungmin’s vulpine eyes that were almost covered with his brownish spikes of hair, unaware that he was beginning to stare.

Seungmin’s voice was low when he spoke, “Do you, perhaps, feel bad about it?”

“A little bit.” Hyeongjun mumbled, but quickly remembered himself as he took a tiny step back. “Uh, I didn’t know they were ordering for you.” He didn’t realize his vision became blurry until he moved and he could see that Seungmin seemed indifferent in contrast to how Hyeongjun was reacting. He felt his ears heat up again like last time at the hardware store, except his hair was now half-up, so it was even more embarrassing now.

Yet the fox continued to probe, unaware of how much he was affecting Hyeongjun. “So if you knew it was me, you would’ve chosen something else?” He tilted his head in a way that made Hyeongjun’s heart flutter.

“Uh, no, well…I don’t know?” Hyeongjun couldn’t meet Seungmin in the eye anymore as embarrassment started to creep down on his neck. He was glad that, at least, it wasn’t reaching his cheeks. “I just thought that spicy noodles at this hour would be a bad idea…” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, feeling the heat against his own cold hands.

“Well then, if you feel bad, I think you should give me something in return.”

Hyeongjun gulped, curious, and anxious with the closeness of their faces. “What would that be?”

Seungmin hummed, and when he did, Hyeongjun felt it in his chest with his heart thrumming loudly at the same time. He kept a straight face anyway or at least he tried his best to, especially since the smell of Seungmin was still overwhelming him with how relaxing it felt. He wasn’t even fond of the sea, for god’s sake.

Finally, he was able to breathe when Seungmin pulled away. “I’ll think about it.” He held his hand out with a smile, “I’m Seungmin, by the way. You’re new in town, right?”

Hyeongjun stared at Seungmin’s hand in confusion, but then he realized that Seungmin never explicitly told him his name—he just knew from the nametag.

He feigned being clueless as he took Seungmin’s hand, the feeling of the coldness was so foreign despite his own hands being cold themselves. “Yeah, we just moved from Seoul.” He said before pulling his hand back as quickly as he could.

Seungmin blinked, which then Hyeongjun realized again, “Oh, right, uh… My name’s Hyeongjun. Nice to meet you.” It was completely out of his plans to be on edge today, but now that it was happening, all Hyeongjun wanted to do was to hide in a corner.

He received a chuckle from Seungmin, “Welcome to the town, Hyeongjun. I’ll take my seat then.” He waved as he walked away to take a seat with his friends.

Hyeongjun quickly hid behind the counter as he sat on the chair, trying to calm his heart down. What was it about Seungmin making his heart race? But the feeling wasn’t even suffocating, instead, he felt excited…for what, he didn’t know. He sighed as he sunk into the chair, repeating the conversation in his head as if Seungmin himself wasn’t on the other side sitting with his friends, unbeknownst to the fact that someone was thinking about him. But stating that Hyeongjun was simply thinking about him would be an understatement, it would be more fitting to say that he was freaking out since his heart didn’t seem to calm down as fast as it normally would.

He twisted around to the window behind him that connected to the kitchen, where his mother began to lay down the dishes. “Mom, don’t make the other one too spicy.” He made sure to keep his voice down in case Seungmin would hear it. His mother nodded in response and Hyeongjun quickly went back to the counter, peeking over it slightly.

He backed down when he saw Seungmin sitting on the side facing the counter, and slowly peeked again when he heard the table burst into a fit of laughter. He could see how Seungmin’s eyes creased into lines as he let out a laugh, which made Hyeongjun think of how it was easy for his friends to be so comfortable around an intimidating person. They managed to make someone like him vulnerable, something Hyeongjun could only imagine doing.

Wait, imagine?

Why would he imagine that?

Hyeongjun backed down again and shook his head, his cheeks becoming hotter than the noodles his friends ordered for Seungmin. His heart went from thrumming to thumping as he tried his best to keep the image out of his head. What even was that? Ugh, stop thinking about him, Hyeongjun. He was just being nice. He bit the inside of his cheeks as he suppressed a chuckle at himself, realizing how stupid he looked. He probably looked even stupider when he was talking to Seungmin but all he could think of was how their conversation flowed easily thanks to the aforementioned’s skill in staying composed. Well, of course he was composed, Hyeongjun was the only one freaking out for no particular reason, or maybe because Seungmin just looked really cool.

That was it. Seungmin’s overwhelming presence could’ve been the reason why Hyeongjun felt so small, and it wasn’t inherently a bad thing—somehow, it felt comforting when Hyeongjun realized that his reaction must have been because he admired Seungmin in a way, and it was his first time seeing someone in that light, so it could’ve been the reason why his heart was racing so fast…right?

Ding! He jumped when the call bell behind him rang, his mother peeking out from the window with a concerned look on her face since she had rang the bell numerous times. “Honey, you’re spacing out, is everything alright?”

Hyeongjun’s eyes were still widened as he wasn’t sure of what he was exactly feeling. “Uh, everything’s fine…I think.” He mumbled the last part.

His mother regarded him suspiciously, but pushed three steaming hot noodles on a tray in front instead of commenting on whatever she suspected of Hyeongjun. “These are ready, honey.” She said before disappearing into the kitchen again.

Hyeongjun sighed to himself. It definitely wasn’t just because Seungmin was cool.

Chapter Text

Every day had been the same since; slow mornings that made Hyeongjun feel tense, then evenings when time seemed to run so fast that he’d forget he was tense with all the customers coming in and out. There were even some customers that he could recognize—and had memorized their orders as well. Some would compliment his long hair, some would sneer. But what caught his attention the most was Seungmin who had been coming in every day for two weeks ever since they had met again.

Sometimes, Seungmin was with his two friends, sometimes there was another one, and sometimes he was alone. Sometimes he would come in wearing his uniform from the hardware store (the apron that was on the brink of death). In all those times, Seungmin would give Hyeongjun a greeting followed by a tiny chat, but it would never go further into a deep conversation. Each time, however, Hyeongjun would have the same reaction; freak out, reason with himself, then freak out again. People would’ve naturally grown accustomed so that they wouldn’t react like that anymore, but Hyeongjun was not people . He knew that he was freaking out but he didn’t know why, nor how to stop it, because he was too busy thinking of how Seungmin looked or acted or the way he spoke or the way he smelled like the sea. Whatever it was, he did not necessarily hate any of it.

He learned a few things about Seungmin in those little chats as well; they were both the same age (eighteen), he lived with his older brother, he worked part-time at the hardware store, and he was also a college dropout. Seungmin never explained why, but Hyeongjun could guess it was about that one thing that he was curious about.

Seungmin’s fate vein had always been a mystery to Hyeongjun; something that he had been itching to ask and would remind himself but whenever the opportunity came, he would blank out, unsure of what to say. Hyeongjun thought it would be rude to mention it but it was something he badly wanted to know about. Still, however, he couldn’t bring himself to ask regardless of how much it bothered him. There was also that thing he owed to Seungmin, which they both hadn’t brought up to one another.

In light of all things, business was going great for him and his family, and at this rate, things were starting to look good.

Almost.

Today, Hyeongjun was down in the dumps again. It was one of those days where his body decided to be feverish despite his efforts of being careful. Yes, he was careful even when he was working; he knew when his body was getting tired and he would be apologetic to his parents about it, but he knew not to be stubborn either so he made sure to get the rest he needed every time. Regardless of his efforts, his body said fuck you and completely did fuck him over.

He groaned, something was irritating him. Usually, he wouldn’t be so bothered about being sick since he had already accepted that this was his fate, but it just bothered him that he had to be sick now . He was starting to enjoy working at the restaurant, meeting many kinds of people who share the same sentiment about the small town (it being small and all) and being a server helped him get the exercise he needed, yet he could live without having to do all those things, he could definitely live all day in his bed, too, it was just…something was amiss.

Something he felt like he missed.

What was it?

He tossed and turned in his bed. Although he was feverish, he was also restless. He might take it back; he probably couldn’t spend another day in his bed after this. His room felt cramped since it had no windows. He had no idea what time it was or how long he slept—there weren’t even clocks in his room since he still hadn’t unpacked some of his stuff. His phone was probably dead, too, because he couldn’t care less about it. He had no one to call or text anymore so why would he use it? He groaned, wishing he could just get some shut eye. But…

It was just irritating. And he didn’t know what it was.

Hyeongjun slowly lifted himself up from his bed, the weight of his body pulling him down with his dizziness. He slipped out of his sky blue pajamas, shivering when the cold air hit his bare skin as he maneuvered his room that was only lit by his little moon lamp on his desk table. He headed towards his closet, picked out some sweatpants, a shirt, and a zip-up jacket in all the shades of dark blue. It was a painfully slow process getting himself to wear his clothes with every muscle aching, but he managed to dress himself neatly, except for his hair.

When he saw his reflection on his mirror above his desk, his hair was all over the place, and even if he brushed his hand through it, it would still be a mess. He grumbled and tied his hair into a low ponytail, leaving his front bangs out.

As he took in his figure in the mirror, it was hard to tell that he was dying. He looked completely normal—his skin was flush though it felt cold most of the time, his hair might look like a mess but it looked healthy, and he was skinny but not to the point where his bones would show. It was almost foolproof, anyone would’ve thought he was healthy. He didn’t know what to feel about it.

Instead of thinking too much, he zipped his jacket up, wore his shoes, and headed out his room.

The door behind him clicked shut, the sound resonated throughout the dark hallway. The only light source came from the end of the hall where a dim lamp shade was lit above a wooden storage cabinet situated below a hung window. The burgundy curtain draped over it blocked any light from coming in, though Hyeongjun could tell it was already dark out as trills from nightingales rang in his ears, including that it was already quiet outside. Their little apartment was just at the corner before the plaza which was always bustling with people night or day, but only until midnight would the noises stop, and that would mean his parents had closed shop and were asleep.

He headed downstairs to the restaurant, the stairs directly led to the kitchen where it was dark already with only moonlight helping him navigate through the backdoor. To no one’s surprise, the backdoor was locked, but Hyeongjun knew exactly where the key was so it didn’t take him long until he finally felt the fresh air blowing through him.

He blinked once, twice, his eyes were getting used to the brighter lighting outside. At the back of the apartment was a foliage of oak trees with a path leading deeper into the town, only a handful of lampposts providing light. Though it was a beautiful sight, Hyeongjun knew it was straight death for him; he became allergic to pollen when his sickness worsened, and it was springtime. He could almost feel his nose itch just thinking about walking through that path. So, he went to the front where the streets were empty and silent. He didn’t want to go far since he still felt sick, and just sitting by the sidewalk was enough for him to clear his mind.

He hugged his knees tightly. It wasn’t cold yet his body felt cold and extremely hot at the same time, but it was also to provide himself comfort. Although his parents showed him their utmost love and care—to the point it was kind of suffocating—he still felt alone. He lost all of his friends after he dropped out of high school a year ago, but that was mostly his fault. He thought it would be best to cut them all off as soon as he dropped out to avoid any misunderstandings about his fate. He already expected it was going to be lonely this way, so it wasn’t hard to adjust to the sudden silence. However, it was lonely . Hyeongjun tried his best to deny it; emphasizing the fact he was nearing his death wasn’t something he wanted to do but the steps it took to keep people from pitying him only led him to where he initially wanted to avoid. It was really lonely this way for someone who wasn’t used to being alone. He missed his friends, his closest friends who he could laugh and be normal with. There was nothing he could do now, since he’d already done what he did and he doubted he was welcome to at least bid his goodbyes.

He sighed, he wished there was something to relieve the ache.

The silence that engulfed Hyeongjun was suddenly gone as he heard footsteps coming from the corner of his eye. He thought it was just some passerby that happened to take a walk just as he was taking in some fresh air, but the footsteps abruptly stopped on the other side of the road, parallel from him. He still hadn’t looked up but he could see the person’s shoes were facing towards his direction. The person crouched down and…oh.

Seungmin .

Hyeongjun’s eyes widened as soon as he met Seungmin’s. The silence hung between them, the road serving as a bridge that dared one of them to make the first move. Seungmin, however, seemed relieved as he gave Hyeongjun a wry smile, as if they hadn’t seen each other for years.

Yet, Hyeongjun felt different this time. His heart wasn’t beating fast, he didn’t feel awkward—instead, he felt safe. Like he had been blasted off to the moon and when he came back down to Earth and to his home in Seoul, there would be a bowl of freshly hot kimchi soup waiting for him at the table. That was what Hyeongjun felt when he saw Seungmin after a day of not seeing him, and he realized this was what was irritating him, the fact that he hadn’t seen Seungmin all day.

Although the road was just wide enough to fit two cars, watching Seungmin walk across felt like years to wait. But Hyeongjun sat still and when Seungmin finally stood on the pavement in front of him, he watched Seungmin crouched down again.

There it was, the smell of the sea overwhelming Hyeongjun’s senses as Seungmin brought the warmth between them. Hyeongjun felt like he was being devoured neatly with Seungmin’s foxy eyes and he never hated the feeling. Something deep within Hyeongjun wanted Seungmin to continue undoing him with just a look, even if it was too self-indulgent at this point. He wanted to keep meeting Seungmin in the eye where he felt like there was some unspoken connection between them that said they were both broken by fate.

“Where have you been?” Seungmin’s voice was so soft and restrained it could’ve left with the flowing wind.

Hyeongjun blinked, then smiled faintly. “I was sick.” He said, his voice just as weak.

He flinched slightly when Seungmin suddenly placed a hand on his forehead, but he allowed it to happen anyway. As usual, Seungmin’s hand was cold. “You’re burning up,” Hyeongjun realized he was dizzy once more when Seungmin mentioned it, but it wasn’t as bad as earlier when he couldn’t get up.

“I’ll be fine.” He mumbled. He truly was going to be fine; he felt better now.

Seungmin wasn’t fazed, “Right, sitting alone in an empty street in the middle of the night, looking pale as shit is totally fine.” Hyeongjun could tell Seungmin was trying his best not to roll his eyes. “You look like you’re about to die. Not physically. Like, you want to die.”

Hyeongjun tried to hold back his laughter, but as much as he tried to, it was too ironic to bear. Seungmin could only chuckle at his reaction but Hyeongjun knew the former was only guessing as to why he had such a reaction. “I’m sorry for being sick, then?” Hyeongjun wiped the corner of his eye.

Seungmin’s smile fell, his brows looking like it was itching to furrow, Hyeongjun could see how his jaw clenched slightly before he spoke. “It was irritating not having to see you,” His throat bobbed, like every word he was saying right now came from the pits of his stomach. Hyeongjun could only listen in surprise; he felt the exact same. “You think I just went there to eat? I went to see you, each and every time.”

Hyeongjun felt the corners of his lips pull up into a big, shy smile. It was the first time in ages that he actually smiled involuntarily. “You’d still have to eat. We would go out of business if you didn’t.” Hyeongjun joked but his heart skipped a beat when he saw nothing in Seungmin’s eyes hinted to jest. He didn’t say anything in response. “Why are you out?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Seungmin shot the question back.

“I needed some fresh air.”

“And I, too.”

Hyeongjun paused, then, “It’s weird that you suddenly stopped here,” he said. Surprisingly, he wasn’t as nervous or tense as he would be. Everything he was saying came out smoothly as he intended. Maybe it was because he was finally at ease since his irritation from earlier had left.

Seungmin tilted his head, that habit of his beginning to be something Hyeongjun needed to see or his day would be incomplete. “I was waiting for you to show up, but I didn’t think you’d actually come out.” The fox suddenly had a shy smile on his lips, “I guess you could say it’s a miracle?”

“Are those even real?” Hyeongjun lowered his head to hide his bitter smile, his dark hair casting a shade on his face. He didn’t want Seungmin to see how pathetic he was being, but it had been long since he stopped believing in miracles.

The silence finally came back, except that it wasn’t suffocating as it should be. It came at such a perfect timing as both of them had to think, because miracles had been a far fantasy they could only wish upon a star to happen, and even wishing stars were miracles. Those things never came to them; it was clearly written in their fate veins.

Hyeongjun noticed Seungmin’s pale hand faltering on the side of his face—gripping on itself and then letting go softly, almost like he was about to grab Hyeongjun and who knew what was next. Instead, his hand dropped to Hyeongjun’s side, careful not to touch him. “Do you remember the thing you owe me?” He whispered, and by that alone Hyeongjun felt something fluttering deep within his belly.

“I was about to ask.” He whispered back, because their secret was sacred for this cruel world.

Seungmin gave Hyeongjun a smile, “I’d like to claim it now,” he pushed himself up from the ground and held his hand out.

For some reason, Seungmin’s inviting hand was all Hyeongjun wanted to take. He felt that there was something waiting for him, for them both, and once he’d take his hand, they would enter a world with no limits. No more fates that held him back, no sickness that hindered his every step, no death that waited on his door. Was he finally allowed to indulge himself in this fantasy? But Hyeongjun was not looking for an answer. He was not going to let fate get in the way of his dying wish again.

His fingers fit perfectly into Seungmin’s rough palms, and without a second spared, he was pulled upward so smoothly that he forgot he was dizzy with a fever. As Hyeongjun got a hold of his footing, he couldn’t help but giggle, he was starting to feel giddy. He gazed into Seungmin’s surprised expression, “Where are we going?” he asked.

“Do you know we live next to a coast?”

Hyeongjun raised his brow, “No?” He actually wasn’t sure. Everything around the town were forests, but if he could remember, he did see the coastline on the map when they were travelling from Seoul.

Seungmin’s fox eyes glistened as he grinned, “Let’s go to the beach.”

Chapter Text

The walk up the plaza was serene, people were long done with the day as every house and store had their lights out. It was like the entire town had a specific timer that ended the day for them, but there were always night owls that would rather see the town’s beauty in the night. Those night owls were Seungmin and Hyeongjun as they headed uphill.

“Why are we going to the plaza? Everyone’s sleeping already.” Hyeongjun asked. Though he was new in town, he was starting to get used to the routine so he already knew what it was like. Of course, he was curious as to why they were heading to the plaza if there weren’t any stores open anymore, there wouldn’t be any people there either.

Seungmin looked ahead, his defined jaw almost too pretty to avoid. Hyeongjun peeled his eyes away when he suddenly felt a heat coming up his neck. “I have a bike up there. The coast is pretty far, so we can’t go on foot.” He explained, he was patient to answer any question Hyeongjun threw at him.

“I have one too,” Hyeongjun mumbled. He used to have one until he had to give it away. Cycling was too rough on his body and even walking uphill was too rough. He silently thanked Seungmin for being a slow walker.

Seungmin whipped his head to Hyeongjun, “You ride a bike?”

“I used to.”

He chuckled, “I can’t imagine you riding something like that.”

Hyeongjun raised a brow, perplexed at what Seungmin just said. “Is there a specific look for people who ride bikes?”

He turned to see Seungmin throwing his head back with a laugh. They were already at the plaza, where all the bright lights were at rest. It was Hyeongjun’s first time seeing the plaza in the dark, but it was just as beautiful as it would be in the morning. The moonlight shone directly at the center of the plaza’s floor, which was a yellow sun with crescent moons as its rays.

He forgot they were having a conversation when Seungmin spoke again, “I just got it. You were talking about a different bike,” he had a playful grin on his face.

“Huh?”

As they walked into an alleyway, there was a parking lot filled with cars, motorcycles, and mini trikes. It was the communal parking lot that Hyeongjun’s father complained about, and he can finally see why; everything wasn’t arranged. The motorcycles were haphazardly parked and even the trikes had no government. Only the cars were in its proper parking space, but they were still badly parked. All the ruckus were at the entrance and he could tell that his father’s car was on the other side since it already seemed to look neat from where he stood.

He only realized that Seungmin wasn’t talking about a bicycle; he was talking about a goddamn motorcycle when he pulled out one of the bikes from the mess. A classic black motorcycle that was probably bigger than Hyeongjun, who was as still as a pole as he felt like he got splashed with a bucket of water. He rides a bike, a damn bike. He thought, his excitement slowly building up within him as he watched Seungmin wear his helmet that complemented his black leather jacket pretty well. He was always clad in black, a color that Hyeongjun had grown so accustomed to that anything black reminded him of Seungmin, and today he looked even better in it.

In a swift move, Seungmin got on his bike without trouble. He’s so damn cool . Hyeongjun thought, fighting back his grin but eventually gave in. Seungmin noticed this, his arched brow barely visible behind the visor, and nodded at Hyeongjun, motioning him to come closer. When he finally stood in front of Seungmin, he took his sweet time to ogle at the motorcycle that was so big, even Seungmin looked small sitting on it.

Suddenly, Seungmin got off the bike again. “I forgot,” his voice was muffled behind the helmet as he lifted up the back trunk where another helmet in an electric blue color was stored. Hyeongjun gulped, it looked polished and new, like it had just been recently purchased. His thoughts were quickly overrun with the scent of Seungmin blowing softly as his vision suddenly went dark but quickly regained it before he realized, then he felt the coldness of Seungmin’s hand against his chin, working on the lock of the helmet.

When Seungmin was done, he stepped back and stared at Hyeongjun for a few seconds before stepping in again and pushing down something overhead that darkened Hyeongjun’s vision—the visor. Then it happened again, Hyeongjun’s heart sped up and it was almost like it wanted to jump out of his ribcage; probably biting him back in the ass for holding it in for too long.

“Hop on,” Seungmin said as he got on the bike again, Hyeongjun followed suit.

He felt the vibration of the engine starting up as soon as he rested his bottom on the leather seat, the feeling travelling up his body where it danced along with his fast beating heart. Hyeongjun gulped again as he watched Seungmin work on starting up the bike. He leaned, “Do you drive fast?”

Hyeongjun couldn’t see it, but Seungmin’s eyes were so readable behind the helmet as he said, “You’ll need to hold on tight.” He revved the engine again before Hyeongjun realized what Seungmin meant.

The drive out the parking lot was smooth, so smooth that Hyeogjun quickly grappled on Seungmin’s shoulder when he suddenly banked and sped out the alleyway.

“S-slow down!” Hyeongjun yelped, but Seungmin’s driving was so fast that anything he’d say would be lost in the wind. He held his grip tighter on Seungmin’s shoulder as he closed his eyes, bowing his head down on the latter’s back.

Seungmin slowed down a little as he reached behind, taking Hyeongjun’s arm and lacing it around his waist. “We’ll crash if you keep holding me like that.” As soon as he was informed, Hyeongjun took his other arm and began to hold Seungmin tighter. He felt Seungmin’s chuckle from his stomach as he suddenly picked up speed.

“Mmf!!” Hyeongjun tried to restrain any sound coming out of his lips. His cheeks flushed as the wind blew against his jacket harshly to which he thanked himself for zipping it up beforehand or it would’ve gone flying by now.

As Hyeongjun had his eyes shut, he started recalling his decisions that led him to this moment. He had no reason to leave his home other than his own stupid, idiotic, and selfish reason that he was feeling suffocated in the safety of his room. His parents were dead asleep, completely unaware that their sickened son had escaped for the night. Actually, he just wanted some fresh air, but it seemed that Seungmin decided to shove that in his face by putting all his weight on the pedal. Maybe he deserved it for being selfish. Maybe this was part of fate’s doing. The muscles in his eyes and his forearms began to ache with how his anxiousness made them tighten, which was amplified even more with his irrational fear that they might crash since Seungmin was driving like they were being chased by a horde of zombies.

He wanted to get off, he was getting scared, yet he didn’t want this moment to stop either. Deep inside his belly were butterflies made of bile. He wanted this moment to end and last at the same time. He felt safe having to hold Seungmin which was ironic since the aforementioned was the very reason why he felt anxious. Still, Hyeongjun tried to trust Seungmin despite all the odds.

He still couldn’t find any courage to pry his eyes open, they might even be glued shut at this point, but he refused to see how fast the bike was going. Only if he knew that the roads were completely dark; oak trees and tall grasses flanked the wide street they were on with lamp posts barely shining light, Seungmin’s motorcycle did most of the work with lighting the road. Hyeongjun hadn’t loosened his grip on the Seungmin’s waist at all, because while it was true that he was going to die, he wanted to leave that up to fate and not have his death by someone else’s hands.

Please…please don’t crash. He prayed to no one in particular, because even the gods would have a hard time catching a glimpse of their bike.

“Open your eyes, Hyeongjun.”

Seungmin was unbelievably gentle with Hyeongjun’s name. That kind of voice would normally get lost in the wind, but no, Hyeongjun just had to open his eyes to realize that they had slowed down already. He was just being an idiot just like that time in the hardware store.

He tried to loosen his grip. Seungmin was probably getting annoyed by now. Hyeongjun wouldn’t want to piss someone driving a motorcycle, especially since he was a passenger of it. But his hands could barely move, his eyes were half-opened, and his head was still bent down. He was scared—for the first time, he was scared of dying. He did not want to die now. He still wanted to stay in this moment. He still wanted to know more about Seungmin.

With a careful tone, Seungmin’s voice gave light in that little tunnel Hyeongjun was slowly spiraling into. “It’s alright, it’s just the wind now.” He said, “I’m sorry for driving too fast.”

“I-it’s okay…” Because Hyeongjun did not want Seungmin to worry, even if it was true that he was scared.

The hum of the motorcycle filled their silence, and only until after a few seconds did Seungmin speak again. “Just open your eyes right now, you wouldn’t want to miss it.”

This time, Hyeongjun listened.

When he opened his eyes, a whole new world unravelled before him as the forests of oak trees came to an end, revealing the midnight blue waves freezing with moonshine twinkling on the surface like glitters. The road was now bright, just as Hyeongjun breathed and felt his chest become light.

In that very moment, every daunting thought had left him like a weight lifted off from him. He couldn’t think of anything else other than now—any thought that threatened to taint this moment left him almost immediately, and all he could think of was how he was still holding Seungmin. There wasn’t anything like this back in the city. No one back in Seoul would’ve gone out in the middle of the night to take Hyeongjun somewhere beautiful, because that person wasn’t in Seoul. That person was here, in this little town, in his arms.

He could already see it as the sea followed them; peace was waiting patiently on the shore.

—

Beaches weren’t Hyeongjun’s favorite thing, because beaches had sands, and sands were dusty and all it did was fill his lungs, especially if the weather was windy. Except, the weather definitely was windy but the sands barely made up the shore of the beach. It was surrounded with huge basalts that made Hyeongjun never want to leave.

His anxiousness was long since gone. The sereneness of the sea helped him calm down, and just being within Seungmin’s presence made everything better. He sighed as they sat on one of the rocks, looking at the moon from the sea overhead.

It was so beautiful that Hyeongjun wished he could look at it forever, but he knew that not even this would last. This could probably be his last time seeing the moon from this view. He couldn’t forget death was nearing him, even made him bedridden for a day, but all he wanted now was to forget about it. He wanted to forget that his fate was cursed and there was nothing to reverse it.

He turned his gaze to Seungmin, whose features were much more beautiful under the lighting. He always knew that Seungmin looked cool, but he looked even cooler now—his jaw was more defined, the moon speckled its light on the tip of his nose, and his fox eyes almost found its home as it looked up into the deep night sky, like a natural nocturnal. Only then did Hyeongjun realize how beautiful Seungmin was, and there was just this inexplicable feeling within his heart that wanted him to scoot closer.

“Did I scare you earlier?” Seungmin asked, still looking ahead, his face unreadable.

Hyeongjun faced the ground, the rocks crackling beneath his shoes as he shifted slightly. “A little bit,” he admitted.

“I’m sorry,” The way Seungmin was speaking was as if they were both on the shore, treading the waves carefully in an attempt to reach Hyeongjun who was knee deep into the sea. A slight twinge of aching deep in Seungmin’s throat, begging for Hyeongjun to come ashore. “I just…” He paused, “I just wanted to go past that road as fast as I could.”

And as soon as Hyeongjun heard the sincerity in his voice, he did not hesitate to put Seungmin’s guilt to rest. “It’s okay,” They were so close next to each other that their fingers could almost touch in the slightest move, and Hyeongjun wanted nothing more but to lace his into Seungmin’s.

He looked at Seungmin again, then it finally formed. A perfect question that wasn’t going to make Hyeongjun sound like he was being nosy. He was just curious after all, and whatever it was, he could understand. He wanted to understand Seungmin.

“Have you met your soulmate?”

Their eyes met and the world slowed down, even the wind that swirled on Seungmin’s choppy brunette hair made it look smooth. For a moment, Hyeongjun itched to pull him close, to stop the wind from kissing his face and be the one doing it instead. He quickly averted his gaze, avoiding the gratification the thought brought to him. Stop it, Hyeongjun.

Seungmin bit his lip, contemplating, before he looked away as he let out a sigh. “She died.”

Hyeongjun suddenly woke up from his little fantasy, realizing that Seungmin had just dropped a bomb. Died? Does that mean he’s … He dared not to continue that thought. Seungmin, however, continued for him, “It’s a long story, but I’m not going to die. I’m just cursed.” or not. Even then, he surprised Hyeongjun with how he easily said he was cursed . Dying wasn’t the same as being cursed for Seungmin apparently, completely different and shocking for someone who had lived most of his life thinking the two corresponded. Or maybe Seungmin had a different meaning to it. Whatever it was, it only invoked more curiosity for Hyeongjun.

However, he didn’t ask again. Though it was clearly written in his face that Seungmin noticed it, too. “I’ll tell you some other time. How about you? Have you met yours?” Almost as if the topic was just as easy as a table dice, he flipped the question back to Hyeongjun.

He wasn’t sure whether he should say it or not. Death was hand in hand with his fate for every second in his life, anytime it could take him regardless of the time he was given, but there was still that . The time. Hyeongjun was going to die, one way or another, so what was the point in hiding it? Seungmin deserved to know.

Without a word, Hyeongjun took off his jacket, the absence of its warmth quickly replaced by the cold breeze of the moonlit sea. Seungmin watched him as he lifted the sleeve of his shirt on his right arm, revealing the grooves under his pale skin; no blood, no soulmate. That was all there was to it. But Seungmin said, “Oh, you’re right-handed, huh. That means we aren’t soulmates.” He had a cheeky grin, one that made Hyeongjun debate whether he should slap himself for assuming that Seungmin would understand from the get-go, or whether he should slap Seungmin for being slow. But he was right. For Hyeongjun being right-handed, his soulmate would’ve been left-handed. It was the only way for the veins to connect.

“That’s not what I meant,” Hyeongjun sighed and pulled his sleeves down. Maybe now wasn’t the time. Regardless, he found Seungmin’s reaction funny.

“I know it isn’t. You haven’t found your soulmate yet. That’s alright, you still have time, but you gotta make it quick.” Seungmin still had his oblivious grin when he turned his head back to the sky.

“I did meet her."

“Oh?”

“On her grave.”

Hyeongjun swore Seungmin had nothing in his mouth, but he choked. He spat out something. He had something in his mouth; shock, and then a stifled laugh. “You know how to crack jokes, don’t you?” He was smiling until he saw the deadpan on Hyeongjun’s face. None of it was a joke much as he wished it was, sadly it was the only way he could cushion the impact of his impending death. “Really…? Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright.” It truly was. Hyeongjun had come to terms with it long ago. His parents had come to terms with it long ago. His fate had come to terms with death long ago. Fate. Fate, fate, fate. Fucking fate. Always making things awkward for him. But he had come to terms with that, too.

Seungmin swallowed the lump in his throat, the one that he laughed with grew bigger and harder to swallow as soon as Hyeongjun cracked his “joke.” “So…? What’s in it for you? Your vein’s growing.”

Another deadpan. “Yeah.”

“Oh,”

Silence. Deafening silence. Hyeongjun wished he was on sand so that this beautiful scenery could be reasonably ruined.

“...Fuck, you’re going to die?” Seungmin was still looking at the sky, his eyes defiant, hoping the sky was, too. It was real though, just as real as Hyeongjun’s death reaper waiting for the thread of his fate vein at the base of his heart—death was his soulmate fate never deprived him of.

Hyeongjun shrugged, because he had always shrugged it off like it was just some annoying itch on his shoulder, except itches weren’t annoying. It was hell. An itch would give him a thousand years worth of punishment by Satan himself, he just liked to indulge in the idea that an itch wouldn’t feel like it for once. “In a year or…I don’t know. Things haven’t been going so well lately.” He said too calmly, just like the sea waves he was about to become one with.

Seungmin’s silence was so hard to deal with. Hyeongjun had no idea what to say to make this less awkward, but it was the truth. It bothered people. It bothered him the most. For a while, they sat there, letting it settle within them. Seungmin’s mouth parted and shut, tasting the bitterness in the air and feeling it, feeling if it was real. On the other hand, Hyeongjun didn’t know how to make the air feel better, he had never known what it was like to feel better since four years ago.

He finally spoke, “Then we have to make the best out of it, don’t we?” Seungmin was now facing him, a smile on his face that said everything would be alright although it was another indulgence that Hyeongjun feared.

“That sounds nice.”

“It doesn’t just sound nice,” Hyeongjun’s heart fluttered when Seungmin suddenly took his cold hands with him. “It’ll be amazing.”

Chapter Text

Oh Seungmin had lots to think about, his life, his fate, his faults. Each thought had their own kind of devastation to it. Ultimately, it was all devastating.

Thinking about Hyeongjun dying was, however, not as devastating as he thought it would be.

He actually did not expect that Hyeongjun was ill-fated. At first, he was afraid to approach the boy, afraid that his own fate would cause another tragedy for someone living a peaceful life, only to be surprised when he found out Hyeongjun had his own tragedies too.

Fate was funny, it had its ways in putting people under its mercy and Seungmin had always believed that he had the worst punishment, then came Hyeongjun; a guilty pleasure for Seungmin when he realized that some people could actually have it worse than him, and to put it all together, Hyeongjun did not even have a choice.

How terrible—Seungmin was always terrible—because it was liberating knowing Hyeongjun’s fate.

It wasn’t like he despised Hyeongjun, it was actually the other way around. He had been captivated by the boy’s beauty from the moment he caught his eyes. His long, luscious hair was all Seungmin could think about. That look of misery in his dark eyes worth drowning for, Seungmin was afraid to ruin it. And now, the only running thought in his mind since that night at the beach was that regardless if he was cursed or not, Hyeongjun was going to die and he would have nothing to do with it.

For the first time, it wouldn’t be his fault anymore.

He planted his fist on his head, what was he thinking? For his fate to curse Hyeongjun, he would have to fall in love with him first. Sure, he found the boy attractive but being in love with him seemed like a far-fetched idea.

Or was it because he was scared something might happen out of a mere attraction?

The bell to the entrance chimed and snapped him out of his thoughts. Kwak Jiseok in all his obnoxiously bright blonde hair came bubbling in with a happy grin on his face that slowly turned into a big ‘O’ as he approached the counter where Seungmin bore his nonchalant face. “Holy shit. You’re doing that face again.”

“What are you on about?”

“That face, you know, when you’re thinking about someone.” Jiseok’s grin came back ten fold, a devious smirk that only teased Seungmin.

He rolled his eyes but refused to look at Jiseok again, because it was true. “Who could I be possibly thinking about?” He feigned busying himself by taking a washcloth and cleaning up the shelves, though there wasn’t anything to clean up. Even Jiseok from the other side of the counter would notice.

Instead, he played along with Seungmin. “Hmm, I can’t tell. Probably that cutie from the noodle shop.”

Clank!

A metal tin fell.

It was just a metal tin, but when Seungmin dropped down to his knees to grab it, he found himself cursing the air. The mere mention of Hyeongjun—and not even his name—got him all cranked up. It shouldn’t be this bad, should it?

He stood up again, facing the counter where Jiseok had an amused smile on his face. “I fucking knew it,” He laughed, almost too loudly that Seungmin wanted to throw the tin at his bright fucking hair. “You’re so obvious. You drag us along with you so you’d have an excuse to go to his noodle shop.”

“Whatever. Even if I do like him, I can’t go further than that.” Seungmin said bitterly, placing the tin back into its place on the shelf. “He’s just a friend, Jiseok.”

“Right.” Jiseok nodded, “Right, so, why were you thinking about him?”

Seungmin couldn’t stop himself from smiling, his hand twisting the tin in its place. “Quit it.”

“Ah, I can’t. I’m always so excited for things like these about you,” The blonde leaned into the counter, his doe eyes twinkling despite the lack of light. “I miss the old Seumi who was so…free.”

“Something might happen to Hyeongjun, you know.”

“Who cares if something happens to him? At least you got your fair share of fun!”

Jiseok’s definition of Seungmin being “fun” was his era of throwing himself around like a country whore (not literally), and that past of his made him the infamous terrible disdained asshole who would never be able to reclaim himself after what he did to his poor soulmate. It was something he wanted to forget, but at the same time, he felt like he deserved all of the badmouthing thrown at him, so eventually he had grown into it.

He finally turned to face Jiseok, who was stifling a laugh from what he just said. “Okay, bitch face, I’m not going to do that to him. I don’t want any tragedies happening anymore.”

“Huh, that’s weird. Wouldn’t the curse only happen if you’re in love with the person?”

Seungmin froze. Jiseok was right, so why did it feel like he was caught red-handed? He schooled himself back into his presence before Jiseok could annoy him about it. “But we don’t know if that’s the only thing that will make the curse happen. What if a huge boulder comes crashing down on his face just because I’m attracted to him?”

“Then that huge boulder should be crashing down on my face right now.” Jiseok twisted so that he faced Seungmin upside down, and frowned, grinned, frowinned . Seungmin couldn’t seem to get Jiseok’s mouth right.

“Ew.”

With that comment, Jiseok twisted upright now. “ Ew? Don’t act like you weren’t in love with me.”

“And I regret being in love with you.” Seungmin truly meant that.

It only elicited a groan from Jiseok, since he knew exactly why Seungmin felt that way. “And you need to stop being miserable about it. Come on, it’s not like he’s going to die. Get out there. Go on a date with him. Have sex with hi—”

“Okay, no. First of all, I’m not having sex with him.” he turned away from Jiseok’s gaze, and from the thought as well. He did not give the idea a chance to manifest into an imagination just yet. “It doesn’t even matter because I don’t see him that way. And also, he might die. I’m not risking it.”

It was almost like Jiseok had a built-in sound machine when Seungmin could hear a sudden tire squeak. “Nah, that’s impossible. So far, the worst your fate did was crash a truck to your lover, but I still lived.” He pointed to himself, a pout on his face as he did. Seungmin simply rolled his eyes at this. Jiseok enjoyed taking his accident lightly as if he just tripped and didn’t break his legs.

“But I doubt that would happen a second time, I mean, what tragedies did your fate do to your other lovers before me? Fail the national exams? Have their parents divorced? Psh,”—he waved his hand—”that’s lightwork.”

“You are way too happy about being crashed by a truck, I don’t even feel sorry anymore.” Seungmin narrowed his eyes at Jiseok who blinked an innocent smile.

“But why don’t you try? You say you just see him as a friend but you’re probably just scared.”

Seungmin frowned at this, because it was true. “So what if I am? I’d be crazy to try again anyway.”

Out of all their friends, Jiseok knew Seungmin the most. It was no wonder he did considering he was the first and only person Seungmin truly loved out of all the people he dated during his spree, and he was the last, too. Jiseok’s accident was Seungmin’s wake up call from the nightmare he chose to delude himself in. Before Jiseok, the tragedies weren’t too bad, it used to only be in the confines of the relationship itself and not on the actual person he was with, but then it started getting worse; some of them got terribly sick and only got better after Seungmin left them, some of them had bigger problems that affected their lives only after Seungmin would start caring about them deeply.

In all of those relationships, his mind was fuzzy. There were only three people that he actually cared about and that included Jiseok, the rest he couldn’t remember, or at least he chose not to. All Seungmin could remember was how he felt like shit and threw his body around because he thought that was what he deserved.

When it came to Jiseok, however, he found himself actually falling in love with him. Although Jiseok wasn’t the savior of Seungmin’s sob story of a life, he was pulled out from out of the pit he was burying himself into. Jiseok knew about the curse and still persisted in being in a relationship with Seungmin. It was smooth sailing at first, nothing bad was happening and at one point, Seungmin even began to believe his fate was finally done condemning him.

However, on the night they shared the warmth of their bodies, he felt an overwhelming feeling where he envisioned himself living a peaceful, happy life with Jiseok. It was a nice thought—the first thought he had in a while that wasn’t devastating. He loved the thought of having to hold Jiseok in his arms forever, but that thought was something he should not have indulged in.

The day after, Seungmin was supposed to meet Jiseok again, so he could pull him into his embrace and never let him go, but Jiseok didn’t show up that day. He couldn’t .

A phone call from the hospital said he couldn’t move an inch of his body.

The paramedics told him about Jiseok’s freak accident, who was in the car a truck crashed into. Apparently, the truck’s brakes malfunctioned and Jiseok happened to be on the same road just the day after Seungmin realized how much he loved him. It was not a coincidence.

Until now, the image of Jiseok’s body wrapped in bandages scarred his mind, a harsh reminder that made him fully realize he couldn’t fall in love at all. He couldn’t care deeply for someone or else his fate would get in the way. He was cursed and it was all because of what he did to his fated soulmate. So, when Jiseok woke up, Seungmin felt an insurmountable wave of regret for the first time, not even something he felt when his soulmate died. He cried and begged Jiseok for forgiveness, that he shouldn’t have been so careless, that he was going to leave him alone and never show face again.

And Jiseok, numb with all the medications dripping into his veins, could only think about how Seungmin’s snot was starting to drop down his chin. He looked terrible , and really ugly. It was torture for Jiseok to see because he couldn’t laugh.

“Hello? Earth to Seungmin?” Seungmin didn’t realize that he was so deep in his thoughts when Jiseok knocked his hand on the counter. “You’re doing that other face again, too. Stop it.” Jiseok said.

“What face?”

“That face when you’re blaming yourself!” Jiseok’s eyes glowered against his blonde bangs, “What’s got you all like this? You’ve been extra miserable nowadays.” He crossed his arms, his piercing eyes not meeting Seungmin’s anymore, a sign that he was actually getting peeved. Seungmin didn’t actually know why he was being like this. He hadn’t been thinking about his curse or the tragedies brought with it lately, not until Hyeongjun came into the picture.

Seungmin sighed, “I don’t know.”

“It’s obviously because of that boy.” Jiseok got it out for him, “Honestly, just go for it. What does it matter? All you have to do is not love him too much like you did with me.”

Right, Seungmin knew that well. He had dated a lot of people, to test his own curse and also to forget his soulmate’s death, or more like, forget what it costed him. Some of the people he dated didn’t even face a tragedy, either because he barely cared or was too scared to. The thing was, regardless of how true Jiseok’s words were, Hyeongjun was definitely not going to be just a simple attraction for Seungmin. He just knew it wasn’t going to be.

So, “I can’t.”

Jiseok’s face blanked—defeated, actually. “Whatever.” He rolled his eyes, finally dropping the topic. “But I came to say that we’re going to the viewdeck in two days. Jungsu’s got us tickets for it.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“It’s Jungsu, so no.” Jiseok seemed proud saying this, after all, he did take pride in his boyfriend.

Almost a month after the incident, Jiseok met his new and current boyfriend. The poor physical therapist Kim Jungsu assigned to him in recovery was, unfortunately, also prey for his tastes. Jiseok was also much like Seungmin back then, or probably much more extreme; he was openly sexual and even had been in a polyamorous relationship when he first met Seungmin, but as soon as he met Jungsu, it was like he got tied down completely. Not that he was complaining—even he didn’t like the idea of sharing Jungsu with someone, and they weren’t even soulmates.

Seungmin, on the other hand, wasn’t very bitter about it. He even became pretty close with Jungsu. If anything, he was actually happy to know Jiseok was able to recover properly (and happily) except he had a limp that resurfaced from time to time that required him to be on a wheelchair.

“Is Jooyeon coming?” he asked.

“Oh right, I should visit Joo…” Jiseok pursed his lips, “But yeah, he’s coming. I haven’t seen him in a while since he’s studying for his exams.”

Kwak Jiseok and Lee Jooyeon were fated soulmates, which wasn’t surprising. The two were dumb and dumber together despite Jiseok being the smartest person Seungmin knew. But it was odd not seeing them together, they were practically inseparable best friends. “How long has he been studying?” Seungmin asked.

“Hmm…” Jiseok rested his left hand on his cheek, feeling the vibration of his hum through it. Seungmin’s eyes flickered from his hand to his face; the usual glow in his vein was dimmer today. “Three days?”

“Why’s it so dim, then?” It was no wonder why Jiseok’s hair was the only thing beaming right now. And now that Seungmin noticed it, he looked pale, too.

He couldn’t help but be surprised at how fast Jiseok’s glow was dimming. He wasn’t familiar with the dynamics of fate veins but he knew that the dimming of one’s fate vein glow meant that they hadn’t been with their soulmate for a while, and it would affect both parties physiologically. For Seungmin, he barely had any physical changes, but it took about five months for the light to completely die down and all that was left was the drainage of the blood, only stopping at half and serving as a reminder that he was cursed.

“I dunno, I think my vein is just used being with Jooyeon.” Jiseok seemed just as lost as Seungmin, but he shrugged. “Meh, I’m not gonna die because of it.”

“As long as it doesn’t bother you, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Jiseok nodded, “The only thing that bothers me about it is that I might have to spend more time with him, then I’m fucked because why the hell should I spend my precious time with that weirdo and not with my boyfriend?”

Seungmin laughed. Jiseok was the only person he knew that didn’t want to be with their soulmate. “You should probably see a specialist then.”

“I’ll think about it. Let’s talk about the cutie again. How did last night go?”

Seungmin turned his back against Jiseok, cleaning the already-clean-shelf again. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He tried hiding his smile when the vision of Hyeongjun’s pretty face under the moonlight flashed back to him in his mind.

“Everyone heard your motorcycle, idiot.”

Seungmin chuckled, he wasn’t thinking much at the time about his surroundings since he was so preoccupied being with Hyeongjun that he couldn’t care less about his motorcycle waking the entire town. “And everyone went back to sleep anyway, so?”

“So how’d the date go?”

Was it really a date? That night he shared with Hyeongjun was more of an escape from everything. After not being able to see him for a whole day, Seungmin felt like kicking the bucket; a simple attraction must have taken a toll on Hyeongjun already so what else could he think? He was filled with guilt, shame, and regret all over again. He tried to walk it off—it took him hours, obviously—but when he coincidentally saw Hyeongjun outside their little noodle shop, to Seungmin it ironically felt like fate that brought him there right at that moment.

Right when he was looking for an escape.

And then he found out that Hyeongjun himself was looking for one, too.

It wasn’t a date. It was an escape from fate.

“It wasn’t a date,” Seungmin finally responded. “We just went to the beach.”

Before Jiseok could open his mouth to protest, the door chimed, making the two turn their heads as soon as they heard it. All of Seungmin’s rational thoughts were thrown out of the window when there stood Hyeongjun at the door, wrapped in layers of sky blue that almost looked too suffocating, but he looked more than fine when his hair was tied up again just the way Seungmin liked it.

Jiseok’s mouth that was agape slowly shifted into a grin as he looked at Seungmin and Hyeongjun, who strode his way to the counter. “Uhm,” Hyeongjun’s eyes shifted around the store and Seungmin wanted to take him to the back where he could aid Hyeongjun in resting his eyes by making out so hard to the point their fates would be rewritten.

“Seungmin,” Hyeongjun breathed out.

He finally dropped the washcloth, moved out of the counter and ignored Jiseok’s amused smile. “What is it?”

Hyeongjun seemed out of breath, bits of his hair stuck to his skin slicked with sweat. Even then, how could someone look this good? “Are you busy?”

Seungmin’s throat bobbed, watching as Hyeongjun caught his breath. “No, not really. I was about to close up shop.” He wasn’t. He didn’t even own the shop to begin with. He felt Jiseok side-eyeing him.

Hyeongjun sighed, his breath hitching as he did. “Okay uhm, screws, again.” He said. “The bigger ones, help me find them.”

“Oh, so screws are the new kink now, huh?” Jiseok spoke, making Hyeongjun turn his head with curiousity written all over his face.

“A kink?” Hyeongjun repeated.

Jiseok bore a shit-eating grin on his face that Seungmin wanted to punch the shit out of. “I was kidding. I’m gonna head out, see ya soon Seungminnie!” Jiseok did not wait for their reaction and scooted his way out of the hardware store, leaving them both alone.

Seungmin cleared his throat, “So, what are the screws for?” he asked as he went ahead to the aisle of nails and screws.

Hyeongjun followed closely behind as the space got narrower, “We’re putting up more blockages for the windows.”

Seungmin grabbed a box of #12 screws, “Hmm, why?”

“The sun’s too bright.” Hyeongjun replied.

Seungmin chuckled, “Need someone to fight the sun for you?”

His heart melted hearing a small giggle from Hyeongjun. “No, not really…I just can’t do well under the sun.”

“Why not?”

“It…it hurts, the sun hurts.” With that, the conversation on the topic ran to a stop. Seungmin wanted to know more but chose not to pry any further. Maybe it was something Hyeongjun didn’t want to talk about, but as he looked into his eyes, there was something else; a strong yearn for comfort.

He took another look at Hyeongjun, this time not in his captivating eyes but with all the clothes he was wrapped up with there was barely any skin showing, but right above his turtleneck, Seungmin noticed the rash reaching up behind Hyeongjun’s ears. He felt his stomach twist, could it be his fate doing this?

Before Hyeongjun headed to the counter, Seungmin grabbed his wrist, triggering a flinch from the boy. He wanted to curl into himself now; the guilt was reaching up his throat again. “Hyeongjun, when did it get like this?” His fingers faltered as he reached out to Hyeongjun’s neck.

“Oh, uh, this is nothing new.” Hyeongjun lightly stepped away from Seungmin’s advances. He wanted to die now. His mouth could burst out a dam from the pits of his guilt-filled stomach now.

Seungmin froze, it’s not my fate doing it, right?

When he caught a glimpse of Hyeongjun’s deep, dark eyes, he was pulled into a riptide where any attempt of escape would drown out. He was afraid of this. Did Hyeongjun know how much Seungmin wanted to say, fuck everything and just pull him close, to feel him deep and hide each other away from the eyes of fate? “Hyeongjun,” he called, his voice too soft like he was begging.

“What?” Hyeongjun turned again, oblivious to Seungmin’s shameless thoughts. He didn’t know how much Seungmin wanted to feel his lips against his soft, supple skin, and he didn’t know the consequences that came with it. He didn’t even know how much it took for Seungmin to even allow himself the nerve to think of such thoughts, and still, he felt like shit imagining Hyeongjun under his hold.

So when he pushed Hyeongjun into the shelf, the boy shut his eyes tight, his hands folding into his chest as if he was praying for the sin Seungmin was about to make. Their faces were so close now. His hands trembled as it gripped the shelf behind Hyeongjun, his thoughts warring against his body. No, no, no, his mind said, but the rapid beating of his heart said yes, please .

Seungmin did not think that Hyeongjun was here because of his sufferings, he only thought about how much he wanted him, only thought about how they were both equally fucked over by fate, and in that way they were somewhat fated. Seungmin wanted it. He wanted to indulge in it, to feel and not feel their terrible fates together, because he was terrible like that.

What were they both going to lose? It couldn’t be more terrible than this, could it?

“Seungmin,” Hyeongjun’s eyes barely opened, breathing out a soft plume of warmth against Seungmin’s cold skin. “Seungmin, what are you doing?”

“What are you doing?” His breath was ragged in response, his heart running a marathon as he moved closer into the gap between them. “What are you doing to me?” His grip tightened on the shelf, Hyeongjun tilted his head as he leaned closer.

“What are you talking about?”

He woke up from his little daydream when he saw Hyeongjun a feet away from him, regarding him with an odd look.

Seungmin cleared his throat, his thoughts with it, too. “Oh. Uh, right. Let me ring you up.” He was so close to losing it already.

What the hell, Seungmin. He’s here because he’s sick and you’re turned on . He tried to collect himself, but most he could collect was how much he wanted to feel Hyeongjun’s lips. He blamed Jiseok for inciting the thought of having the boy under him, feeble and obedient, or maybe himself being under Hyeongjun. Seungmin shook his head, wrapped the box of screws into a bag, ashamed to even look at Hyeongjun who handed him the payment. The transaction was quick and easy in silence, which he thanked the gods for because he couldn’t stand another second being with Hyeongjun or he might combust.

“I won’t be serving at the restaurant today.” Hyeongjun suddenly said.

Seungmin lifted his head up, seeing the boy looking hesitant as his eyes wandered around. He wasn’t heedless of Hyeongjun who was just like an open book. “Something wrong?” He asked, all heinous thoughts thankfully now out of his mind.

“Not really…just under the weather.” Hyeongjun sighed, something that he had been doing since entering the shop, and Seungmin’s chest ached at the sight. “I’ll be fine though. I’ll just need a day’s rest and I’m good to go.” He faintly smiled, or more like he was forcing himself to so he would look alright. But it was blatantly obvious for Seungmin to know that Hyeongjun was tired of it all.

However, he ran out of things to say. Anything he wanted to say felt like another step into something dangerous, not for him, but for Hyeongjun. So, the first thing that came to mind, “Will you be alright in two days, then?” he felt his mouth move on its own, not sure what he was going to say next.

“I think…?”

“I’ll pick you up then.” What the fuck, Oh Seungmin?

It took Hyeongjun a few seconds before he responded, “I can only be out at night.” He said.

Seungmin’s mouth moved again on its own, “Then I’ll pick you up at night, will that be fine?” at least it knew how to be courteous.

Hyeongjun paused again, then, “What should I wear?”

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why is he being so cute? “Anything you wear would look good on you,” Seungmin couldn’t resist his smile anymore as he leaned into the counter, amused by the thought of Hyeongjun dressing up for him.

The latter smiled a little crookedly, “No, I mean, it might be cold.”

Are you playing with me? “I always have a jacket with me.”

“Then I’ll be waiting.” You are.

“You won’t have to,” Seungmin could play back. He knew how to, he wanted to. “I’ll be there before you know it.” I won’t keep you waiting.

Hyeongjun finally smiled, it was one that wasn’t forced and more in relief. One that Seungmin’s heart would melt every time he’d see it. “Thanks for the screws,” Hyeongjun said as he turned, and Seungmin wanted to stop him, “See you soon, Seungmin.”

“I won’t keep you waiting, Hyeongjun.”

With that, Hyeongjun left the store, along with him, he left Seungmin yearning in the wake of his presence. Wondering, hoping there would be more than just this. And wishing that the next two days would come in a blink of an eye.

Chapter Text

What did people do when they had to wait for a day to arrive? Usually, they would occupy themselves and the days would feel shorter than they let on. After all, it was normal to be excited, even anxiousness brought a tinge of excitement with all the worries it withheld. But what about Han Hyeongjun? What were his methods in trying to let the days pass without feeling like ripping his skin out?

Today he went to the hardware store. An odd choice because, first, he did not need to go in the first place. He felt a bit rebellious having to lie to Seungmin about needing more screws, yet the truth was, he just couldn’t spend another minute in his bed without having to see Seungmin at least once. Second, he was still sick and he foolishly let himself under the sun and had to suffer more than he already was as a consequence. Because he, again, couldn’t spend another minute in his bed without having to see Seungmin at least once .

Just to relieve his selfish craving to see Seungmin, he went. Felt curious, relieved, then jealous seeing how close Seungmin was with his friend. But that was not what annoyed Hyeongjun right now; it was that he went to the store only to come back home with a stronger crave to see Seungmin again.

He tossed and turned, all day, all night. He couldn’t even tell. He was just thinking of what was going to happen in two days. Where did Seungmin plan to take him next? Oh, how much Hyeongjun never wanted time to run fast, yet it turned out he would learn how to want it to.

—

Day 1: Hyeongjun finally cleaned his room. He fixed it into a nice, homely space where all of the stuff he loved were out of its boxes and ready to help him cope with the loneliness he chose to lock himself into. His electric guitar, his acoustic guitar, his ukulele, his other electric guitar, and his guitar picks. And also a wall clock he forgot the batteries were taken out of and were all in the next room, but was too lazy to fetch for. And a sketchbook.

Did any of them help him pass the day without having to rip his skin out?

Well, yes. Realistically, he would never do such a thing, but the urge was still there. He played, played, and sketched, then played, and laid on his bed, then sketched again. All in the span of three hours that he managed to count even without the clock working its hands.

How could time run so slow now that he was waiting for it to run fast? Just one more wink of a sleep before the day finally comes, but god, what was he supposed to do that was not going to kill him waiting?

When midnight came, he wore his jacket in his usual blues, sneaked out, and sat in front of the store. The town asleep left the little birds to trill. Would that include Hyeongjun? Yes, but he did not chirp along with the birds. Instead he sat in his silence, trying to steer his mind off of things.

He tried not to think about how bored he was—how his guitar skills had gone rusty, how his body felt like it wasn’t going to get better. How Seungmin looked so good in white yesterday, his sleeves folded above his elbows baring his forearms. How he wanted to be wrapped up in it. Or wanted his fingers to untangle the mess of Seungmin’s brown choppy hair. Or to suffocate in Seungmin’s scent reminiscent of the moonlit sea.

Hyeongjun ran his hand down his face, realization hitting him with a brick, “I might have a crush on him,” he muttered to himself.

His thoughts were relentless as his patience began to wear down, but at least the moon was there with him tonight, and it felt like Seungmin was, too.

—

Day 2: Today was finally the day, but Hyeongjun woke up a little too early. The sun was just beginning its rise; it had not even been six hours since he slept. But he was filled with excitement. He felt a lot better, too. He could probably help out with the restaurant today.

“Can I help out today?” Hyeongjun was sitting at their dinner table in the other room with his parents, where they ate their breakfast of leftover soup and rice. It was spacious there, some light was spared in, and it did not feel murky like it did in his room.

Hyeongjun’s mother looked up, her eyes wide with concern, “Are you feeling better now, honey?”

“Yes.”

His parents shared a look, then his father said, “Alright. You can start in the evening.”

Hyeongjun pursed his lips, “Can’t I do noontime? I’ve got to be somewhere in the evening.” he said.

They shared a look again, “Where are you going?” his father asked.

“Somewhere with Seungmin,” His parents already knew about him since he became a regular at the restaurant anyway. “He’s taking me somewhere, I’m not sure where, but I doubt it’ll be far.” Hyeongjun’s stomach fluttered at the thought of having to be with Seungmin again.

His mother chimed, “Oh, that sweet little boy?” she sighed, “I’ve heard about him, but he seems pretty nice.”

“He is nice,” Hyeongjun noticed the ‘but,’ but he did not think too much of it. His mind was preoccupied with the excitement and curiosity of where Seungmin was going to take him later.

“Hmm,” His father grumbled, “Alright, whatever you wish. Just don’t overwork yourself.”

So, Hyeongjun did not overwork himself. He stood behind the counter, made sure to keep a relaxed smile and tone, and served the customers being swift on his feet. Seungmin did not come in today, which Hyeongjun half-expected he would. Nevertheless, He was not disappointed, instead, he was thinking of what to put on when he would have to meet Seungmin later.

—

That was how Hyeongjun waited for the days and hours and minutes and seconds of the time to pass. It was only two days, yet it felt so long and so short at the same time. He accumulated his thoughts and all pointed to one, which was—drumroll,—Seungmin.

Hyeongjun honestly believed it was absurd how excited he was feeling, given the fact that he had barely touched the surface of Seungmin’s mysteriousness—that did not help either because thinking about it only made Hyeongjun want to dig deeper. The urge to be with him was too suffocating for someone who had just learned how to be impatient. But the absurdity of it all did not bother Hyeongjun at all, his ache to see Seungmin again was the only thing he wanted to relieve.

It was six thirty in the evening, he had gone up to the apartment already after his parents were more than happy to have him clock out before closing hours, which he wished they weren’t but was grateful at the same time. Though Seungmin did not specify the time they’d leave, Hyeongjun was already dolled up wearing the clothes he thought he would not have to wear again.

He gazed at the reflection of his own self who wore a printed blue top tucked into a black skirt with mesh fabrics spilling to the floor in irregular waves to mimic the tails of a jellyfish, leaving his thighs bare with leg warmers to combat the cold. He was going to wear a jacket to go with it all, but Seungmin’s words replayed in his mind whenever he reached out for it.

I always have a jacket with me.

God, he wished Seungmin never said that. Now the thought of being wrapped in Seungmin’s warmth and scent overrode everything in his mind. He blushed, his cheeks hot for the first time in a while.

Everything seemed to go well; his hair was also compliant as it laid nicely half up in a ponytail. His face looked alive as well, which did not really look dead in the first place. Then it hit him, shit, did I overdress? His fingers crumpled at the edges of his skirt, felt the texture of his rub on the tips of his fingers as he started to feel reality crash down on him. He was overdressed. Suddenly, the urge to take everything off washed over him but was interrupted when the door behind him opened, his mother peeking at the crack.

Her eyes widened when she finally saw Hyeongjun, “Sweetheart,” She breathed, the door opened wider as she lifted her hand from the knob and to her chest, “Oh, it’s so good to see you wear your clothes again.”

Hyeongjun stopped wearing his favorite clothes ever since he dropped out of high school. He lost the passion in everything, along with it his identity as well, but today he wanted to feel his utmost self with Seungmin today. He twirled sheepishly in place, “I don’t know, is it too much?” he bit his lip nervously.

“No, sweetheart, you look amazing,” She stepped closer and loosened Hyeongjun’s grip from his skirt, “You look like my son again.” she grinned at him and pecked a kiss on his cheek. He could just melt in her arms right there and then.

“But I think I overdid it,” The blueness of his shirt felt like he was drowning in it.

His mother hugged him, “Trust me, you look amazing.” She held him like that for about a minute or two, before startling the both of them when she suddenly jumped, “Oh! Right, that Seungmin boy is waiting out the back. I came in here to tell you that.”

Without another thought, Hyeongjun quickly put on his black boots and rushed out of the room, leaving his mother behind. Before he went downstairs, “I’ll be home soon, mom,” he said before his feet rappelled down the stairs.

From the kitchen, the restaurant sounded filled with customers. His father was out in the front, and though he was rushing to meet Seungmin, he made his way to the window, “Dad, I’m leaving.” He called out to his father who was busy taking orders from a customer.

His father turned, “Alright, be safe Hyeongjun. Call me if anything happens.”

“Okay, dad.” Hyeongjun grinned, ran back to the backdoor, and opened it to see Seungmin waiting with his motorbike.

Seungmin wore his usual black in a loose shirt, his biceps a bit defined down to his small waist tucked neatly into a belted pair of flared denim pants. The jacket in his arms the same color of his shirt as his helmet was tucked in the same arm.

Hyeongjun was not fond of candy, in fact, he could only have little before his temples would twinge from the sugar rush. But if looking at Seungmin forever meant that he could drink in all of his tastes, then Hyeongjun did not mind the ache.

He stepped closer, careful and light as Seungmin caught his breath when he was now in front of him. He remembered how he felt he was overdressed now that he realized how casual Seungmin looked, “Should I change my clothes?” Hyeongjun mumbled as he bowed his head down.

However, Seungmin’s cold hands met Hyeongjun’s cheeks to lift his head up until their eyes met, “Don’t.” His eyes widened upon seeing Seungmin’s smile, “Don’t change, you look really good.” Before the warmth on Hyeongjun’s cheeks flowed through Seungmin’s hands, he let go, stepping away to let him feel the comfort of the air again.

“Thanks, I mean, you do, too.” Hyeongjun’s hand unconsciously lifted to where the coldness of Seungmin’s hands were imprinted.

“Huh, I guess dressing up paid off.” Seungmin’s lips pulled into a lopsided smile. He dug into his pockets and pulled out a piece of paper, “I couldn’t come in today since I was getting your ticket for the viewdeck.”

Hyeongjun took the ticket, puzzled. “Come in, where?”

Seungmin tilted his head to the direction of the apartment building behind Hyeongjun, “The restaurant.”

Was he a mindreader? Hyeongjun felt his cheeks flush, remembering how he was a little expectant of Seungmin to come in today. But he did not have to know that. “It’s alright,” Hyeongjun rubbed the blue fabric covering half his neck to calm himself down, “I didn’t work in the afternoon anyway.” he added, his hand finally falling to his sides.

Seungmin set his helmet and jacket down, taking the electric blue one from under the bike’s seat. Then, he reached out behind Hyeongjun’s head, the scent of the sea filling his senses as Seungmin gently pressed his ponytail and slipped the helmet on, his cold fingers brushing lightly against Hyeongjun’s chin as he worked the lock. When he was done, he took a step back.

They stood there for a second or two, gazing at each other. Hyeongjun mostly looked at Seungmin’s neck where his throat moved, up to his rosy lips that parted and shut infinitesimally. Hyeongjun did not realize he was holding his breath as he watched Seungmin tilt his head closer, but pulled away just as he did, pushing the visor on Hyeongjun’s helmet down before he turned his back.

What was that? As Seungmin busied himself wearing his own helmet, Hyeongjun felt his heart on his ears. He shook his head, calm down, calm down …he prayed.

“Come here,” Seungmin beckoned him out of his reverie. What he did not know was, Hyeongjun, upon hearing his voice, slipped deeper into his psyche—so much that his feet moved on their own.

Seungmin pulled his jacket over Hyeongjun’s shoulders, in which he slipped his arms into the sleeves, dazed out of his imagination that Seungmin might just kiss him right there and then. It was an indulgent thought, and while Seungmin was oblivious to it, Hyeongjun relished with the impending thought that this day could be the last he’d live.

Behind the darkened visor, Seungmin’s eyes burned a fire that Hyeongjun wished he could stand in. Or he probably was, as Seungmin slowly zipped up the jacket, the crisp scent of a salt-kissed air wafted through his senses. Hyeongjun wanted to sink into Seungmin, into his neck where he could fill his lungs with the ocean, because it was Seungmin’s scent he would voluntarily drown in. He was never fond of the sea, but he began to like it, just how he began to like being in Seungmin’s presence.

“You’ll be cold on the ride up,” Hyeongjun could imagine the smile on Seungmin behind the helmet, “It gets cold up there.”

“Are you going to drive fast?”

“No,” Seungmin bumped his helmet softly on Hyeongjun’s and stayed there, letting him feel the vibrations of his soft whisper, “I don’t want to do anything you don’t like.”

—

The viewdeck was up in the mountains—obviously, it wouldn’t have been a proper viewdeck if it was not. But until today, Hyeongjun had never known that the mountains were accessible, both since his parents did not bother to travel around town and that he definitely could not climb it himself. Though, he found out there was a road that zigzagged up to the top, and because Seungmin’s driving was so smooth (and slow), the view was already as beautiful as they headed upward.

It was nothing compared to the viewdeck, though. Before they made it to the entrance, there was a parking space just a level below the viewdeck, so they trekked up to the top and surprisingly, it was an easy task for Hyeongjun. He got to enjoy the view of the landscape on the way up without having to chase after his breath.

The chilly winds breezed past them upon arriving at the entrance, where string lights shone like stars against the night sky. The place consisted of wood and glass structures compliant with the tall sedimentary rocks flanking the area. A restaurant was situated on the rightmost side where people could dine in or outside, but the view of the town was visible either way. Hyeongjun could not see much on the left side from the entrance as a huge rock blocked the sight with a signage that glowed, ‘ Viewdeck for Everything Nice. ’ 

Hyeongjun shivered out of sheer amazement, “Wow, this is a beautiful place.” he hugged himself with Seungmin’s leather jacket still on.

“You’d fit pretty well here.” Seungmin smiled at him as he held his hand out. Hyeongjun’s heart skipped a beat, his hand hesitating as it lifted an inch before, “Your ticket?”

Oh. Flustered, Hyeongjun pursed his lips and dug into the pockets of his skirt, “Uh…here,” his cheeks felt hot as he avoided Seungmin’s eyes, which thankfully, he succeeded in doing so.

“Let’s go, the others are waiting for us.” Seungmin walked on ahead and Hyeongjun followed behind, his ears heating up while he rubbed his fingers together, relieving the itch that had just come up. Hyeongjun felt embarrassed for being so expectant today, from waiting on Seungmin’s arrival at the restaurant to waiting his fingers to meet his own. Hyeongjun bit his lip down in attempt to keep himself grounded; he was getting a little too giddy.

“Are you feeling cold?” Seungmin asked as they walked deeper into the deck, heading to the restaurant.

Hyeongjun shook his head, “No, it’s just so nice up here.”

“It is,” Seungmin sighed, “The food’s great here, too. It makes the trek worthwhile since you can’t find any of this stuff down town.”

Hyeongjun playfully raised a brow, “Must be good, then.”

“I promise that was not a jab at your noodles.”

“I was just kidding.”

As Seungmin held the door to the restaurant, the ambience filled Hyeongjun with warmth as hanging lights in the same amber color of the ones outside illuminated the place. He wasn’t familiar with the feeling of being in a crowded place anymore since it had been a while, but it was still spacious with so many tables filled with cheers and laughter. There was also a bar on the left right side that made the place even more lively than it already was.

Moving deeper into the restaurant, Seungmin led Hyeongjun to a table by the window where his friends sat, all having a happy look which turned into surprise upon making eye contact with him.

“Holy crap, you actually brought him with you!” The blonde one—if Hyeongjun remembered correctly, Jiseok—jumped from his seat.

“Of course I did. It’s the viewdeck,” Seungmin turned to Hyeongjun with a grin. His heart fluttered ever so slightly at the sight, relishing in the selfish indulgence of Seungmin’s smile being only his. Even for just a split second.

Jiseok moved out of the table, revealing his outfit of a denim skirt under a moss green sweatshirt with three dogs stacked on each other printed with the word “ CORGY .” Hyeongjun found it oddly cute, just not so much when Jiseok suddenly took his hands, “Hi, I’m Jiseok. Kwak Jiseok. The town’s favorite blunt rotation, but most loyal to his boyfriend.” Hyeongjun stared at the glowing hand within his pale ones, “Come, come, sit. We ordered drinks. Do you drink?”

“Uh, I can drink, I think.” Hyeongjun responded, turning his gaze to Seungmin for help as Jiseok dragged him into a seat. He was now sandwiched in between Jiseok and another guy in the same moss green sweatshirt; a matching one.

“That’s good. We’re gonna get wasted tonight, right?” Jiseok’s large eyes turned into crescents as he smiled cheekily at Hyeongjun, who couldn’t respond to what he said. He wasn’t really fond of alcohol, but one good thing was he wasn’t a lightweight either. He found out about that during a summer party in high school before he dropped out.

The guy next to him spoke, “No one’s getting wasted tonight. I’ll have to go back on duty and no one’s going to take your ass home.” Hyeongjun felt awkward with the sudden language choice as he turned to the guy. He bore the same hair as Seungmin’s, just a little darker, neater, and longer. “I’m Kim Jungsu, Jiseok’s boyfriend.”

“Oh, hello,” Hyeongjun mumbled as he bowed his head.

He felt a sudden weight on his shoulders, “You don’t have to take me home because Hyeongjun and I don’t plan on going home tonight.” He was overwhelmed with the sudden contact of Jiseok’s cheek rubbing against his. He did not know how to react, so he froze.

“Jiseok, you’re making him uncomfortable.” The guy from the opposite side of the seat said. Hyeongjun remembered him; the gloomy guy with Jiseok who did not look so gloomy now. He wore a brown leather jacket that was complementary to his sharp features, along with his hair that fell into perfect waves, framing his face just perfectly.

“Am I?” Jiseok dropped his arms on Hyeongjun as he pulled away, the latter finally being able to breathe. “I’m sorry. I get really excited whenever Seungmin brings his boyfriend—”

“Okay, shut up.” Seungmin took his seat in front of them as he shot a glare at Jiseok, who giggled at his reaction. His eyes softened when it landed on Hyeongjun, “Sorry Hyeongjun, he’s a little touchy, isn’t he?”

The smile on Seungmin’s face was enough to make Hyeongjun feel ill at ease. He shook his head, “It’s alright.” and it was, because Seungmin was here to keep him grounded.

“Oh wow,” Jungsu mumbled, amazement laced in his voice, “I totally see it.”

“I told you! I saw it at the hardware store.” Jiseok threw his head back with a laugh, “Oh god, Seungmin, you’re so obvious it’s funny.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Seungmin furrowed his brows. Hyeongjun resisted the urge to smile when he saw the slightest pout on Seungmin’s lips. Oh, how cute it was. He was so distracted by Seungmin that the conversation around him blurred.

The other guy beside Seungmin said, “Don’t worry about it, really, just keep it up. You might defy the laws of fate the more you guys do it.” he snickered.

Seungmin fell back on his seat, letting out an exasperated breath, “Can you guys stop being vague?”

Hyeongjun turned to Jiseok only to see his lips trembling as he held his laugh. “Geez,” He coughed out before turning to Hyeongjun, “Do you like Seungmin? He’s nice, he’s just a little dense.”

“Jiseok—”

The guy beside Seungmin held his hand out to stop him from standing, “Wait, stop, I wanna know too.” He had an expectant look on his face as he stared at Hyeongjun, and it felt like they were all boring holes in him. Weirdly enough, he also felt Seungmin staring.

“Uh,” His eyes flickered from Jiseok, Jungsu, the other guy, then to Seungmin, where he held his gaze there and swallowed the lump in his throat. He wasn’t actually sure of what he felt about Seungmin, but one thing he knew was, “I…well, he makes me feel comfortable.”

The table went silent. Awfully silent at that, like an anchor crashed down on the table and shattered it into pieces. But that was what Hyeongjun truly felt about Seungmin; the first thing that came to mind was comfort.

Suddenly, Jiseok bursted out laughing again as Seungmin sighed before sitting back down, “Wow! Wow, so good. That was amazing, Hyeongjun.” He wiped the corner of his eye as he attempted to stifle his laughter, “Ah, here I thought you liked him back. What a shame.” He melted back on his seat with a sigh.

“Like him back? Seriously, Jiseok?” Seungmin growled.

“What? It’s not like you don’t like Hyeongjun.”

Jungsu joined in, “True, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.” he said.

They continued talking as Hyeongjun fell quiet with the thought of Seungmin liking him. It was absurd, but he couldn’t deny how much joy it brought him. He was never the type to conform himself into a likeable person just for the sake of being liked, but if it was for Seungmin, he wouldn’t mind. He wanted to be liked by Seungmin.

Without a thought, his lips blurted out the words deep in his mind, “I like him,” and if that wasn’t enough, “I like Seungmin.”

A pause. A silence. The restaurant had most of their tables filled, something Hyeongjun witnessed in their restaurant back down, and although the chatter and glasses clinking were something he barely heard, he was glad it filled his ears when he finally felt the heat creeping down from his spine and up to his nape, his fingers itching to rub it off but he did not move. He just realized what he said; a confession that was obviously uncalled for. Maybe he should leave. He knew the way back down, he wouldn’t mind having to heave his lungs out if he had to, he just had to get out of here as fast as he could. What the hell was he thinking? Jiseok was probably gonna burst out laughing again, or worse, Seungmin. Yeah, Seungmin would definitely laugh at him. Laugh at him for thinking that they could be more than just friends—

“Here’s the drinks,” A waitress set down five glasses on the edge of the table, “Enjoy.” She bowed before she left.

Then, the silence came back. But Hyeongjun’s raging thoughts had died down. He was present and he wasn’t at the same time, until Jiseok coughed awkwardly, “Well…let’s get wasted?”

Hyeongjun wanted nothing more than that. So, he grabbed the margarita on the side of the table, aware that they all had their eyes on him, and drank the whole thing down to the dregs as he felt the awful burn with every trickle of the alcohol passing through his throat. He grimaced, wiped the excess off his lips, and slowly set the emptied glass down in front of him and said, “Let’s get wasted.”

Chapter Text

That was probably the worst thing Han Hyeongjun had ever said in his entire life.

Actually, handling his alcohol was as easy as breathing through his nose; four glasses of margarita and six shots of whatever the hell Jiseok got only made his body burn up. Though, the conversations were the ones that set the table on fire when everyone (except Hyeongjun) began speaking out their honest, stripped thoughts.

Most of which, Hyeongjun noted, was Seungmin being quite the opinionated person out of all, which was surprising. He didn’t come off as someone who was particular with everything to Hyeongjun, but as he listened, he felt intrigued to know more about Seungmin’s interests—especially as the ones about Seungmin’s preferences in romantic partners, which was also brought up in the conversation. Hyeongjun noted that Seungmin didn’t like going for someone prettier than himself, bolder than himself, and way too interesting than himself, all of which gave Hyeongjun confidence in the idea that he might have a chance.

And though he barely chimed in with his own thoughts, Jiseok would occasionally turn to him for assurance. One of them was, “Seungmin’s such a flirt, isn’t he?” Jiseok smiled at him.

“Uh, I’m not sure.”

Wafts of cotton candy scent flowed beneath Hyeongjun’s nose as Jiseok leaned in, “He’s a big flirt, but don’t you worry because he walks his talk.”

Hyeongjun gulped at this. He didn’t know what to do with that information.

Being with Seungmin and his friends was not as awkward as Hyeongjun expected—he was able to join in the conversations but he didn’t talk like how Jooyeon—Hyeongjun finally got his name after thirty minutes—would make all their ears fall off, but he had fun hearing Jooyeon talk because it was better than hearing his thoughts. And in all those conversations, he kept stealing a look at Seungmin who seemed focused with the conversation at first glance, but whenever he turned his eyes away, he could feel Seungmin’s stare.

Though he drank more than Jiseok did, he felt fine rather than the former who was totally out of it, scrambling around the table with his boyfriend, Jungsu, struggling to keep him down. Jooyeon could only watch in embarrassment, although it was obvious the alcohol was starting to hit him as well when he suddenly flailed his body along with Jiseok.

With all the ruckus, Jooyeon suddenly left the table as he danced his way out of the restaurant, then Jiseok followed suit, slurring on his words as he walked past saying “don’t fuck on the table , ” which was cut off when Jungsu clamped his mouth shut, grabbing hold of him.

“I got the tab, my treat. We’ll hang at the deck for a bit though.” Jungsu explained to Seungmin who nodded in response. With an apologetic look on his face, he turned to Hyeongjun, “It was nice meeting you, sorry our time together was cut short.” He smiled as he struggled to keep Jiseok still.

Hyeongjun darted his eyes from Jiseok to Jungsu, “Uhm…it’s alright. It was nice meeting you, too.”

“We’ll head out then.” Jungsu nodded while the latter said something unintelligible under his palm. Before the two could say anything, Jungsu dragged himself and Jiseok out of the restaurant.

Now, Hyeongjun was left alone with Seungmin at the table.

At this moment, Hyeongjun wished he had a low tolerance to alcohol like Jiseok had, instead he would have to feel his senses so deeply with the alcohol running in his veins, and every time, every minute, he would feel that intense gaze of Seungmin’s because god forbid he confessed his feelings, now he was being punished for it by Seungmin himself.

To reiterate, he regretted saying he liked Seungmin because that resulted in him drinking all that alcohol in vain. In all those two hours of drinking and chatting, he was secretly sitting in his embarrassment, reliving that exact moment when he blurted out his unsolicited confession of love (hyperbole). He envisioned himself on a podium in the middle of the plaza, where all the townspeople gathered to hear him say, “I like you, Seungmin! I really, really like you!” because fuck, he might as well take his imagination to the highest level of embarrassment since he had already done so in front of Seungmin.

Suddenly, “Do you wanna go to the deck?” Seungmin finally broke silence.

“Uhm,” Hyeongjun managed to choke out as he looked out of the window, to see how the deck was still a little crowded, and also to avoid Seungmin’s eyes. “I’ll be fine here. You can go, I’ll stay.”

Seungmin shifted in his seat, a brow raised before he let out a soft sigh, “Why on earth would I leave you here?”

I don’t know. Probably because you don’t like me liking you. “I wouldn’t want to spoil the fun for you,” He awkwardly pulled his lips into a smile, the feeling of Seungmin’s jacket beginning to be prickly around his arms.

“Spoiling the fun would rather be like…you and I not spending time together.” Seungmin shifted so that he was now leaning on the table, his head falling on his arm as he slowly blinked.

“We are spending time together now…” Hyeongjun mumbled. Now that Seungmin finally put his defenses down, it was easy for Hyeongjun to hold his gaze.

He smirked, “Yeah, well, I wanted you to have fun.” his words were slow, almost like he was slurring. “But I’m a little bit…”

“Are you drunk?”

“Sleepy.” Seungmin lifted his head, his eyes drooping slightly.

Hyeongjun let out a soft chuckle. Seungmin was being cute and he didn’t know what to do, “You shouldn’t have drank too much. Who’s going to ride me back down?”

“I would. I definitely would.” Seungmin’s lips slowly stretched into a grin.

“You’re drunk, though.”

Seungmin shook his head and laughed, “I can still ride you down,” Hyeongjun was confused but he did not break eye contact as Seungmin continued, his voice lowering with a playful smile, “I do it better when I’m drunk, actually.”

Hyeongjun blinked, unable to figure out what Seungmin was trying to say. “You’d crash the motorcycle before we knew it.” He deadpanned.

He watched as Seungmin’s shoulders shook and stiffened before he lifted his weight off the table, scooting until they were exactly facing each other now. He resisted the shiver that rushed from his legs when he felt Seungmin’s brush against his own, leaving him with butterflies in his belly.

Seungmin deeply sighed, the action translating throughout his body when Hyeongjun felt it in their legs. “I’m not drunk, I just need water.” His lips had that slight pout again that pinched Hyeongjun’s heart the moment he noticed it.

“Do you want me to fetch you some?” Without waiting for an answer, Hyeongjun reached for the pitcher from the side and a glass, pouring and sliding it gently on Seungmin’s side of the table.

“You ask, but then you give immediately. What if I said no?” Seungmin kept his eyes on Hyeongjun as he downed the water. Hyeongjun unconsciously tightened his grit, watching a droplet of water betraying Seungmin’s lips as it dripped down to his neck.

“The water’s dripping,” Hyeongjun mumbled. Maybe the alcohol had finally got him, too, with how everything in the background hazed out and only Seungmin came into focus.

Seungmin set the glass down and wiped his lip, all the while Hyeongjun enjoyed the view. He didn’t even realize he was staring. “I wiped it off,” Seungmin had a lazy grin on his face, “your turn.”

“What?”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Oh,” It wasn’t even a difficult question to answer, not even something to ask about in the first place, but Hyeongjun nervously shifted in his seat, partly because he did not know how to respond to it nor was he really paying attention. Still, “I would still give you the water. You need to sober up.”

Seungmin repeated, “But I’m not drunk, Hyeongjun.” Fuck . Hyeongjun thought. It was as if his name was made to fall perfectly into Seungmin’s tongue—how addicting it was to hear the unintentional hum it brought each and every time Seungmin would mention his name.

“You look like you are,” Hyeongjun didn’t realize his voice was turning into a whisper when all he could feel was how Seungmin’s eyes were sinking into that little nook in his heart, ready to invade it and claim it for himself.

“I promise, I’m not.” Seungmin finally flashed his signature reassuring smile, though Hyeongjun wasn’t exactly convinced yet. “I know I have to take you home, so I didn’t drink too much.”

“Are you sure you’re fine?” Hyeongjun was asking because he was actually concerned. Just a few seconds ago, Seungmin seemed like his eyes would drop shut, but maybe he was actually just sleepy. Or maybe that was just how he looked; really hot and a bit messy.

His heart raced when he felt Seungmin’s legs press onto his faintly. “I am. Worry about yourself, you’re the one drinking a bunch.” Seungmin poured him a glass of water and slid it to his side of the table.

He brought the glass to his lips, aware that it was the same spot where Seungmin’s lips were, and drank the water. That was just what Hyeongjun needed right now, it was getting too hot already and he was beginning to feel lightheaded. He wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or Seungmin flirting with him, if he intended to be a flirt. Regardless, it worked, since every inch of his body was burning up. Weirdly enough, it was right this moment, as he set the glass down, that he realized he did have a crush on Seungmin.

Hyeongjun couldn’t meet him in the eye again. Everything felt all too embarrassing right now, especially with how he had just realized his feelings for Seungmin. He was well aware that his heart would jump out of his chest the moment he’d see Seungmin yet he still allowed these feelings to grow when he shouldn’t have. He was about to die, for fuck’s sake. He should have been thinking about making the most of his measly time than falling for the town’s hottest hardware store worker. Then again, who wouldn’t fall for Seungmin? His face was the first thing Hyeongjun noticed; how perfectly fox-like it was, and how his personality went perfectly with it, too.

“Feeling better?” Seungmin broke his train of thoughts, his legs moving in closer.

Hyeongjun bit his lip down, trying to calm himself. “It’s just a little hot, I think.” He slid the glass back onto Seungmin’s side, and as to recover, “I can handle my alcohol pretty well, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“That’s a shame.”

“Why’s that?”

A smirk tugged on Seungmin’s lips, “I kinda wanna get you drunk, I feel a bit challenged now.”

Hyeongjun laughed and shook his head, “It’ll take you a while to get me drunk, honestly…” He said, but he was genuinely feeling lightheaded by the moment. It could not have been how intimate this conversation felt; how intimate their legs were in between each other, because the only plausible reason was the alcohol. Yes, it must be the alcohol . He thought, his cheeks feeling hot by the second.

“Haa, then I’m a terrible drinking partner for you,” Seungmin tilted his head again, his cunning fox eyes made Hyeongjun feel a little self-conscious with how fierce it looked. “It’ll only take me another two shots before I’m finally drunk.” Seungmin explained.

Hyeongjun was no different from all the probable victims of Seungmin’s heart-stealing smirk, as he felt his own lips being infected by it when he couldn’t control much of his amusement any longer. “We’re just about the same, then.” He finally admitted. He could feel that burning sensation rising up from moments ago but it was different now with the inexplicable tension he had going on with Seungmin.

“You should take the jacket off,” Seungmin lazily said, his legs barely moving against Hyeongjun. “Aren’t you feeling hot?”

“A bit.” Hyeongjun was feeling embarrassed. He knew Seungmin only suggested it in goodwill, but somehow, it felt like something more. Hyeongjun’s hand fell to his sides on the seat, gripping the edge nervously as he said, “I’ll keep it on, though.”

“Good, your outfit would just attract so many eyes.”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“Yes,” Seungmin hummed, his head upright now with his eyes shut. “Though I can throw a punch.”

Hyeongjun scoffed a laugh, “What does that have to do with what I wear?”

“It’s not what you wear, rather…” Seungmin spared an eye open as he studied Hyeongjun, and finally having both opened when he came to his conclusion, “I guess it’s because I don’t want anyone else looking at you.”

“Why’s that?”

Seungmin seemed to hesitate for a second, but then, “Personal preference.”

Suddenly, he got up from his seat in a swift motion; as if the tipsy-ness was just an act (it probably was, but Hyeongjun couldn’t figure out why he would do such a thing) and everything was just fine for him. There was an oddly placed disappointment in Hyeongjun’s chest when the feeling of Seungmin’s legs on his was something he immediately began to miss.

But, as quick as Hyeongjun thought, Seungmin only stood to fall back into a seat beside Hyeongjun now. His heart quickly picked up the pace when he felt Seungmin’s hand atop his own, the closeness of their faces almost too unbearable as he caught his breath.

“Hey,” Seungmin whispered.

Hyeongjun whispered back breathily, “Hi.”

Seungmin smiled in response, but sighed as he fell back in his seat, giving Hyeongjun his space again, but his hand did not leave. “I took you here to see the viewdeck, but I’m hogging you all up in this restaurant.”

“I don’t mind.” Hyeongjun truly did not. After all, he could see many more views if he wanted to,—or if his body spared him to—but he would rather enjoy this time alone with Seungmin right now. Because where else could he find this fleeting moment anywhere?

“You sure?”

“We can spend all night here.”

“Alright, but you have to see the top of the deck.” Hyeongjun stared at Seungmin confusedly as he stood up, inevitably being pulled out of his seat at the same time. “No, seriously, I really want you to see it.”

Hyeongjun grinned, amused at how persistent Seungmin was being, “Okay, fine.” and very much was defeated so he allowed Seungmin to pull him close, only if it meant that he would be held by him.

—

The town’s streetlights twinkled below, the plaza’s sun was visible, too, and he could also see a glimpse of their restaurant. The coast stretched far from behind and to the right, where he saw the road that they had driven on last time. The viewdeck was, indeed, for everything nice, seeing how the small town was just about the size of his palm. He might have not realized it yet but he was beginning to love everything about the town.

When Hyeongjun realized his fate, he had always believed that being down about it was just the worst thing he could do to himself. His time was cut short and nothing could prevent the inevitable, so he ultimately decided to enjoy his life while it lasted. However, so much had since happened that even the slightest enjoyment was a bliss to imagine. He wondered when, exactly, did it get to a point where he began to question whether he deserved to think of such things, perhaps fate did other things to push him deeper into his pit of isolation. But here, at the top of the viewdeck, fate could not take this away from him. This was his moment that fate could not pry him away from, no matter the methods it chose; to bring him thoughts of desolation or to make him fall into sickness right there and then. He would fight against it—though it might be futile—because now was the only time he would want to stay here and feel himself real and living.

In this cold swift air, he knew that everything was real. Fate could not bind him from being free. He could do so much more, because he was still here, he was still alive.

He couldn’t resist a grin as he turned to Seungmin, who seemed to have been looking at him for a long time now, but he didn’t care. “It’s so nice up here,” He let out a hearty laugh.

And the realest feeling Hyeongjun had felt tonight was the hand entwined with his, tightening as Seungmin scooted closer. “It is.” He felt Seungmin let out a breath softly, making the scene much more serene.

He watched the lights below slowly fade into darkness, the moon becoming brighter as the plaza fell dark. It was already half past ten but Hyeongjun wanted to stay here longer. Though, suddenly, Seungmin let go of his hand, walking behind him before his vision darkened. “I have a surprise for you,” The warmth of Seungmin’s breath hit Hyeongjun’s cold ears, sending him a slight shiver as he nodded and let Seungmin lead him to who knew where.

It only took them a few steps until they stopped, “Keep your eyes closed, hm?” Seungmin waited for Hyeongjun’s nod before he heard him walk away, his eyes still shut. He bit his lower lip, excitement rushing through him as he listened to Seungmin moving around. Suddenly, there was a sound of a coin falling into a box and something clicking, then, Hyeongjun was being moved gently by Seungmin as he felt the cold feeling of steel hitting the bridge of his nose.

“Alright, you can open them now.”

Hyeongjun opened his eyes.

It was dark and a little blurry, but after a few seconds, Hyeongjun gasped as the little twinkling dots in the sky became much clearer now and even felt like they were just at arm’s length. He laughed giddily, “Seungmin, oh my god, it’s the stars!” he could only say. The sight was so unbelievably beautiful that Hyeongjun couldn’t even feel himself right now.

Seungmin chuckled beside him, “I knew you’d like it.”

“Of course I do,” Hyeongjun grinned, he couldn’t take his eyes off the telescope as he moved it around the sky. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen…it’s like I can touch them from here.”

“Look at this one,” With Hyeongjun still looking, Seungmin gently moved the scope and stopped at the spot that looked like a dot spilling out its light into the void like a lamp, purple and orange plumes of smoke danced together as stars twinkled behind. Although it looked just about an inch small through the telescope, Hyeongjun couldn’t help his awe as he stared at the colors.

Beside him, “It’s the Orion nebula.” Seungmin whispered.

Hyeongjun smiled in amusement, “How did you know that?”

“I don’t, I just saw it on the signboard.” Seungmin laughed, and only then did Hyeongjun laugh as well, “But it’s pretty, isn’t it?”

It was pretty. He always loved the sky, after all. But back in the city, the night sky wasn’t much to admire (light pollution did, indeed, made things not very enjoyable at night) he couldn’t appreciate the real thing and only enjoyed looking at stuff where he could imagine what real stars might’ve looked like. If anything, he liked the sky more when the sun was out because it made everything feel lively, because the dark was something he couldn’t bring himself to like. It felt lonely and, to tell the truth, he hated being alone. But here, in this little town, Seungmin was able to bring Hyeongjun to places where the night sky felt like the moon and the stars were there to guard him.

And though it might arguably be the most beautiful sight Hyeongjun had ever seen, he would rather look at Seungmin instead, the star made only for him to see.

He pulled away from the scope with only fifteen seconds left on the timer, “I love it here, thank you for the surprise.” He fiddled with his fingers, eager but coy to take one look at Seungmin’s face.

Yet Seungmin somehow found his way in giving into what Hyeongjun exactly wanted when he leaned on the scope, where their faces were merely inches apart now. “Should I take the stars down or fly you up there with me?” Seungmin grinned, his eyes curving into crescents as Hyeongjun let out a small laugh.

“And how do you plan on doing that?” He challenged.

However, the look in Seungmin’s eyes was something Hyeongjun couldn’t match. Whether it was the natural fierceness it withheld, or how he was beginning to unravel, inch by inch, just by a mere gaze Seungmin entrapped him into. “We’ll find out. Soon.” Seungmin promised.

“How soon is ‘soon?’ ”

“Whenever you wish."

“Now?”

Seungmin’s surprise was immediately replaced with a laugh, “Okay, maybe not whenever you wish. I still have to figure out how to make a rocket ship.”

Hyeongjun laughed. He did, along with Seungmin, but deep inside, he knew he didn’t need a rocket ship to see the stars, the moon, or even Saturn with its beautiful rings, because he already felt them all just by spending his time beside Seungmin and all his foxy mischievousness. And though it was such a silly idea to think, Hyeongjun liberated himself into feeling and thinking all these things because he was alive and very much human, something fate could not seem to bear when it came to him.

“Do you like it here?” Seungmin asked when they finally came down from their laughter, the wind getting colder by the minute. When Hyeongjun was unsure of what he was exactly asking about, “This town, I mean.”

But even that Hyeongjun didn’t have an answer for. The moment he had entered this town, all he felt was the irritation on his skin, the way his cheeks felt too hot to touch, the feeling of his limbs about to give in on itself, and just about every feeling of his sickness he could think of. Right, his sickness was the reason why they were here in this little town, but even so, it wasn’t the town’s fault. The problem was, he couldn’t say much about the town when all he had felt—since the beginning—was pain.

“It’s nice,” He simply said. Maybe in time, there would be more for him to say, if time would be spared to him.

Seungmin seemed to have another idea in mind, it seemed. “I guess it is,” he sighed, “I always wanted to get out of here somehow.”

“Why?”

He took a deep breath, letting it out heavily. “It’s not that I don’t like it here, I just—” he grasped for words, “I just never liked staying in one place.”

Hyeongjun blinked. He didn’t know what he thought of that, since he was the exact opposite of Seungmin. He never wanted to leave Seoul nor did he want his life to completely shift from what he was used to. He hated change. He hated that he had to change, hated that his parents had changed, that everything had changed since finding out what fate had in store for him. So if he was met with someone who seemed to want nothing but change, and that someone just happened to be Seungmin, then his brain would have definitely frozen up. Which was exactly what did happen, so he let Seungmin continue on with the talking.

“I never hated this place though. I always loved being in this town,” He looked deep into the viewscape wistfully. Hyeongjun’s heart tightened at the sight of Seungmin’s eyes that were filled with the familiar yearn for something intangible. “but I wanted to see more than just this. I didn’t believe that my life should be confined in this place, no matter how much I loved it.” He seemed like he wanted to say more but he cut himself short.

Hyeongjun, however, was still curious. “So why didn’t you leave?”

The smile on Seungmin that was getting smaller and smaller by the minute had completely faded, and was replaced with something of a faint frown. “I tried to,” He said, and it seemed hard for him to say, “but things don’t usually work out in my favor.” His smile finally came back, only that it was masking a pain he was not ready to let out.

So, Hyeongjun did not probe any further, though he ached to know more. It was enough seeing how discomfited Seungmin was and so he pushed his curiosity aside, while hoping he would live to see how Seungmin would, slowly but surely, open up to him.

“I think I’ve changed my mind about leaving, though,” Seungmin flashed a smile, almost like he was reading Hyeongjun’s mind again. Still, he did not ask more and let Seungmin speak for himself. “I mean, it was mostly for some other reason but now, I think I’ve gained a reason to stay.”

There, behind Seungmin’s eyes, Hyeongjun sensed something that was deeply hidden within him, like a cry for help for some reason he could not understand. For a split second, Hyeongjun felt like he was drowning in a wave of darkness just by looking into those eyes. Quickly, he peeled his eyes away, his grip becoming tight in his palms as he tried to calm his fast-pumping heart.

Somehow, he still had a teensy bit of curiosity as to why Seungmin looked so…anxious? Scared? What was it exactly that made Hyeongjun feel overwhelmed? It confused him how Seungmin was slowly letting his walls down only for there to be an invisible wall that couldn’t close the gap between them, and it was the fact that Seungmin seemed like he never wanted that invisible wall to be there in the first place, it was just there because…because it had to be. It was there for a reason that Hyeongjun couldn’t bring himself to ask.

However, he did not want this moment to feel awkward, so he quickly recovered and said, “You should do whatever you want.”

“That’s a dangerous thing to say.”

They let the words hang in the air, only it was Hyeongjun that did not understand why Seungmin was being like this all of a sudden. Has Seungmin always been so restrained? But what exactly was he restraining himself from?

Hyeongjun blinked and felt a yawn come up, which he was thankful for because the silence was beginning to suffocate him. “I think we should head back home now.” He said.

Finally, the warmth entered Seungmin’s eyes as he smiled and took Hyeongjun’s hand. “Let’s get you home.”

—

The ride home was mostly silent, with Seungmin occasionally asking Hyeongjun if he was comfortable, or to comment on the view, or if the wind was cold, in which the latter would respond in nods and, in the moment of nodding, he would realize Seungmin couldn’t see him, so he would hum. It was not because of what had happened earlier at the viewdeck but it was mostly because he felt tired. His body hadn’t fully recovered, and the adrenaline rush had finally died down, so the waves of tiredness were much more overwhelming for him at the moment than the look of misery in Seungmin’s eyes.

Arriving at the back of the apartment, Hyeongjun got off and took his helmet off, his messed up hair being something he couldn’t be bothered about fixing anymore. He turned to see Seungmin walk up to him to take the helmet out of his grasp.

“Did you have a good time?” Seungmin asked, a smile and a hopeful brow raised.

Hyeongjun nodded, “I did, thank you.” He clasped his hands together and, despite his tiredness, waited for Seungmin to let the conversation drag on.

“I’m glad.” His already messy hair was not a victim to Seungmin’s soft, caressing hand. But the comfort of it was taken away just as quickly as it took Hyeongjun by surprise.

And yet, he still waited, taking the awkward silence in until he finally thought of something to say. He just was not ready to end the night, yet. “How about you?” Hyeongjun asked.

“Me?” Seungmin seemed confused but shook his head, “No, you don’t even have to ask. I always have a good time with you.”

Hyeongjun wanted to close his eyes and melt into those words. Actually, he might just be melting into putty right now, but he was standing, very still at that, scared that if he moved an inch, he would jolt. He did not know why he was being like this, but it was most definitely because his heart started running its routine of jumps and somersaults just by hearing Seungmin say those words. I’m screwed . He thought, I’m so screwed. I like him to the point I might burst .

He cleared his throat, avoiding Seungmin’s eyes. “T-that’s good, then.”

“Hmm,” Seungmin dug into his pocket and pulled out a flip phone. “Give me your number.”

Hyeongjun blinked. What?

Is he asking me out?

This is how people ask other people out, right?

“Why?” was the only word out of all in his thoughts that left his lips.

Seungmin shrugged, like this was nothing to him, a normal occurrence. “So I can get a hold of you whenever?”

“Why?” He asked again, dumbfounded. But he was internally screaming, yes, yes, yes!!!

“Just because…? It’s okay if you don’t want to—”

Hyeongjun quickly took the phone out of Seungmin’s grip, pressing on the buttons swiftly but gently before returning it. “There, good night.” He took a step back and bowed.

“Wa—”

Before Seungmin could say anything, Hyeongjun turned his heel and rushed into the apartment, unlocking it surprisingly quick (and thank god it was a quick process, or that would’ve been awkward), and shut the door behind him.He did not wait for Seungmin to say “good night” back, because if he did, he might actually die from hypertension.

Hyeongjun stayed by the door for a few minutes, hearing his heart beating so fast, and yet Seungmin still hadn’t left. He’s not asking you out. Calm down. This is what friends do. He said to himself, yet jumped the moment his phone chimed, loudly at that. His cover was completely blown.

[23:04] 010-334-0896: goodnight

[23:05] 010-334-0896: lol i heard ur phone :p

Hyeongjun quickly typed in his response, his speed stemming from his embarrassment.

[23:05] Me: Good night

Outside, the sound of Seungmin’s motorcycle coming to life as its engines started. Still, however, Hyeongjun couldn’t hear the sound of Seungmin driving off. His phone chimed again.

[23:07] Seungmin: u didnt even let me say goodnight 2 u

[23:07] Seungmin: i heard ur phone again lol xD stop bein cute ;3

Hyeongjun couldn’t help his smile anymore as his fingers flashed through the keys.

[23:08] Me: Get home safe

[23:08] Seungmin: will do. goodnight!

Finally, Hyeongjun heard Seungmin drive off, the sound of his motorcycle becoming more distant by the second.

He clutched his phone tightly to his chest, his heart still beating fast, and shut his eyes, feeling his smile creep up slowly into his lips. The newfound experience of having a crush on somebody was filling his small tummy with butterflies, and he wished there was a handbook on how to deal with this, because he might just end up flying away to god knows where with all the butterflies filling him with every single second spent being with Seungmin.

It was very true now. Han Hyeongjun liked Seungmin, and he liked him a lot.

Chapter Text

Days, weeks, and a month passed, so much had happened ever since Seungmin barged into Hyeongjun’s life with a sledgehammer, relentlessly so. Seungmin, the mysterious fox, the enigma of Hyeongjun’s life. And as time went on, Hyeongjun could not shake the feeling away; the more he tried, the more he fell deeper for Seungmin. It was only getting more difficult.

Initially, he figured that, just like every sickness, it would go away on its own. That he would only have to deal with the painful part of it all, and that it would just pass like so. But it did not. Hyeongjun failed to differentiate his sickness to having a crush—clearly, they were not the same thing, but correlating the two was his only way to cope with the battle of his heart and brains each time Seungmin did something to tug at his heart. It was a new feeling; he wasn’t certain if he liked it or not, but his first instinct was to mask the uncertainty of it all with the comfort of the feeling he had known the most throughout his life.

As usual, Seungmin came in and out of Junhan’s Noodles like it was his home. Hyeongjun finally caught up with the schedule; at nine-fifteen in the morning, the door would chime to Seungmin’s arrival. At this hour, however, both Hyeongjun and Seungmin’s heads were still in the clouds, conversation was not disfavored but it was not suggested either. A simple smile from Seungmin would get Hyeongjun’s day going, since Seungmin would make him sick of it in the afternoon—specifically at four-thirty when Seungmin’s clocked out of his shift at the hardware store, ready to take his second meal of the day just this time with a brighter mood.

Hyeongjun’s parents had grown fond of him as well, although his mother was still a bit difficult to please.

It was either, he seems very independent for someone so young, or he’s got no parents and he’s fending for himself so don’t bother him too much, honey, or the most damned of it all, I just want you to be safe from any harm .

None of it made sense to Hyeongjun. There wasn’t a reason that warranted such wariness against Seungmin, yet every time Hyeongjun asked them about it, they would always circle back to their wishes of him being safe. But Seungmin was not harmful. For some reason, Hyeongjun truly knew that in himself. Or maybe there was a reason; with each day spent with Seungmin, Hyeongjun had seen the many sides of Seungmin which his heart would ache and the corner of his lips would involuntarily curl for.

On the other hand, Hyeongjun was barely struck with sickness, but they were not as bad as how it usually would be. To put a hat on it, he hadn’t been sick for a while now. Although he couldn’t deny how that fact got him anxious, anticipating for the next moment he’d wake up feeling like shit. Being fated to die was a gamble; it wasn’t like you know when you’d kick the bucket, and Hyeongjun was vigilant about this, especially now since he felt like he had something to lose.

And yet, without even realizing Hyeongjun needed the distraction from his anxiety, Seungmin served Hyeongjun his attention on a silver platter. Every hour of the day—if they were apart—Hyeongjun would receive a text from Seungmin in which he would ramble on about anything, while Hyeongjun would find himself wallowing into the conversations. Though, after Seungmin once attempted to call Hyeongjun, he realized it was stressful being unable to see Seungmin’s expression despite hearing his voice, and so their conversation was limited to text messages after Hyeongjun declared his distaste for phone calls.

[21:46] Seungmin: are you up?

Hyeongjun was not definitely up. The restaurant had just closed up while he had gone up to his room thirty minutes before, he was already practically half-melted into his bed now, until Seungmin texted, of course. And Hyeongjun’s phone was always ready at his side for situations like these—he had grown accustomed to Seungmin’s spontaneity, too.

[21:47] Me: I was about to sleep, why?

[21:48] Seungmin: oh okay :/

One thing Hyeongjun couldn’t get used to were the faces Seungmin would type in with symbols. He called them emoticons that conveyed emotions he could not express through text. Although Hyeongjun understood the concept, he was unable to imagine Seungmin’s face with the symbols on his screen.

“It doesn’t suit him,” Hyeongjun mumbled, staring at the text on his phone screen. He ended up smiling anyway, his heart in circles as a new side of Seungmin found its way in, like every side of him would—and could.

After a while, Hyeongjun had finally let his phone off his hands. Since Seungmin got his number, there was no minute or second spared from Hyeongjun’s time where he would not have to hold his phone. Never had he any trouble from a mere device because what was he supposed to do with it other than play snakes or sudoku? And he’s never had anyone he’d talk to this much, not until Seungmin, of course.

So, the moment he heard his phone make a sound, he felt his lips start to stretch into a smile and rolled over his bed to reach out for his phone, like Seungmin had him conditioned to be giddy every time he’d hear it.

[21:52] Seungmin: ice cream?

Hyeongjun thought, at this hour? But typed in,

[21:52] Me: Sure

—

Han Hyeongjun did not have a sweet tooth, if anything, he preferred salty food. This fact shouldn’t be so revolutionary, but when Seungmin had the power to change even his tastes in foods, then the world must have been revolving around the Oh Seungmin system.

Every time Hyeongjun’s sneaked out in the middle of the night, it was ice cream or popsicles. He had grown fond of the taste of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry; they were the most common flavor offered, but every Sunday, the convenience store situated a few walks west from the restaurant brought in a special flavor made by the store owners themselves. The ice creams combated the humid air and warming weather—summer was coming, Hyeongjun wondered how much time he’d spend sequestered in his room again.

The routine went as always; Seungmin grabbed the ice creams and Hyeongjun waited patiently on the bench under the huge camellia tree beside the store. However, as Seungmin handed the ice cream and took his seat beside Hyeongjun, the air felt heavy with Seungmin’s eyes burning holes on the notice board across the pavement, his ice cream yet to be relished.

It was like that for a few minutes. Hyeongjun went for small, awkward licks of the pistachio flavored ice cream. He hated the taste of pistachio, but he hated the atmosphere more. Does he hate pistachio, too? Hyeongjun added that to his mental list of Seungmin’s likes-and-dislikes.

Problem was, this silence was not part of the routine. Hyeongjun was used to the unending chatter Seungmin gave of whatever he could talk about. The silence was beginning to kill him.

Hyeongjun darted his eyes around, landing on the ice cream that was beginning to melt in Seungmin’s hand. “Are you gonna let that melt in your hand…?” Hyeongjun started. It had been the first thing he had said since twenty minutes of being together. Yes, he counted. Yes, he was a little embarrassed when he realized.

Seungmin shuddered, as if Hyeongjun was a ghost, his eyes lowered down to his ice cream before he licked off the melted remains on his hand. Hyeongjun blinked his eyes away, his ears turning slightly red.

“Hyeongjun,” Seungmin finally said something, a sigh leaving his lips as he did. For some reason, Hyeongjun felt like the air right now was the exact same as catching Seungmin’s miserable eyes in the viewdeck a month back. His heart squeezed.

“Yeah?”

Seungmin’s arms dropped to the side, along with his ice cream. I guess he does hate pistachio . Tonight, Seungmin was wearing a black shirt, his half-filled fate vein paler than usual. Hyeongjun still didn’t have an idea for Seungmin’s fate vein. “I’m a bother, aren’t I?”

Hyeongjun stopped eating his ice cream. The question caught him off-guard, it was not like Seungmin at all to ask such things. Hyeongjun had known Seungmin as someone bold and confident, the tip of his tongue adding a little touch of flirtiness with every word he uttered out, but today, Seungmin was different from the one Hyeongjun knew. The one that would eat his ice cream regardless of the flavor, the one who would fill Hyeongjun’s ears with the sound of his voice, then leave it ringing after the silence engulfed them when they were finally apart from each other. Or maybe this Seungmin was a side Hyeongjun was about to learn—the side that Seungmin wanted to show back in the viewdeck, but something heavy within him was keeping him from doing so.

“...You’re not,” Hyeongjun responded, his tone careful not to sound surprised by the question. He added, “I don’t think I have ever thought of you as a bother.”

He heard a scoff from Seungmin, “Right.”

Somehow, Hyeongjun was feeling irritated by this mood. It felt heavy, awkward, and annoying now. It felt like Seungmin was being stubborn, like Seungmin had convinced himself he was a bother to the world. Hyeongjun didn’t like it, not when he had always thought of Seungmin the opposite. “What’s with the question?” He couldn’t help his tone, but his heart was at his throat already.

“Nothing.” Seungmin heaved a sigh.

Hyeongjun furrowed his brow, “That doesn’t sound like nothing.”

“You got me there,” Seungmin raised his free arm in defeat, letting out a smile that did not reach his eyes. “I’m just…tired, I guess.” He rested his weight on the bench, his soul almost seemingly coming out of his body as he did. Hyeongjun resisted the urge to frown.

“Did some deliveries today?” Hyeongjun asked. He vaguely remembered how one night, Seungmin complained to him how his back was aching from carrying packages into the hardware store. Although, a glimpse of Seungmin’s countenance said otherwise, his eyes seemed to gaze off.

Still present, Seungmin shook his head after a few seconds. “I was just thinking about something.” He said.

“What is it?” Hyeongjun hoped he would know soon. He was dying to know everything that pained Seungmin, he wanted to help, to be there for Seungmin in return for every light he bled into Hyeongjun’s clouded mind. He wanted to be that kind of person for Seungmin, too.

Yet, that stubborn, invisible wall that had been established between them since the day they met refused to back down. It seemed much, much bigger now for Hyeongjun, it felt like his space was starting to feel cramped all the while Seungmin walked free on the other side. Hyeongjun swallowed the lump in his throat as the silence grew, the fact he knew so much about Seungmin but so little at the same time chewed at him. He didn’t know if he was being greedy about this, but he felt like he deserved to know the things he was curious about—Seungmin’s fate, Seungmin’s troubles, Seungmin’s everything. He wanted to know. He wanted to deserve to know.

Would fate deprive him of this, too?

Seungmin took a deep breath, the sound sending shivers in Hyeongjun’s skin. “Do you hate being cursed?” He suddenly asked.

The question made Hyeongjun shift his weight on the seat. Again, he never considered his fate being a “curse.” Some things were meant to happen, and he just happened to get the short end of the stick. But that wasn’t what Seungmin was asking, Hyeongjun knew that much. “It’s the worst, but I’ve accepted my fate long ago.” He said, the taste of his words bitter in his tongue. He didn’t even believe it himself.

In the corner of his eye, Seungmin nodded slowly. “I hate my curse more than anything.”

This was exactly it; Seungmin’s openness and secretiveness he unintentionally laced his words with made Hyeongjun feel like he was being kept out. What did it take to be let in? And how did his friends do it? Hyeongjun could see that they knew something, they definitely do, and even though this thought was childish to think about, Hyeongjun still felt that pang of jealousy knowing that someone else was more deserving to know what troubled Seungmin other than him.

“Why?” He tried to be gentle, to knock as slow as possible on that thick wall that Seungmin put up between them. It might do something. It might. He hoped, at least.

“It feels like the world is damning me,” Seungmin said, and, “I wish I had never met my soulmate if it was just going to stop me from being free.”

Oh.

Hyeongjun’s eyes widened a fraction, he wasn’t sure what kind of face he should pull. When they talked about soulmates, it was always a heavy topic, but Seungmin had the bitterest words to say. There was too much—in his mental list, Hyeongjun realized there was too much of a difference between them. He did not want to know if that was a bad thing, he surely did not feel like it was.

“It’s like I don’t even deserve to live.”

“That’s…” Hyeongjun shifted, his clothes rustling as he did. “You shouldn’t say that.”

“Huh?”

“Even if the world hates you for living, you just have to keep doing it. It’s alright to believe you deserve much more…even just a little bit.” Hyeongjun said. It was the only thing he could think of. He believed it, too, that he deserved much more than just a doomed fate.

He felt Seungmin’s gaze, and he suddenly burst out a laugh. “What…?” Hyeongjun’s cheeks flushed, embarrassment creeping up behind his neck.

“You always have something nice to say.” Seungmin said, still smiling. “I think it’s a talent of yours, being so pretty that everything you do is pretty.”

He felt it again, those butterflies that were napping lazily in his stomach had their wings flutter upon hearing Seungmin’s sweet call. Hyeongjun attempted to blink his shyness away, pulling his ice cream to his lips. Why does he always do this? He thought, the coldness of his dessert made his lips numb, and silently wished it also made his heart numb too.

“That’s more like you.” He shot back, not looking at Seungmin who stared at him. It was true though, Seungmin was very pretty. Hyeongjun knew that from the start.

Seungmin was still staring at him, taking a lick of his ice cream as he did. “Since when did you learn to be a flirt?” He teased.

Hyeongjun pursed his lips, bit it, and let the poor thing go, all while Seungmin had his eyes on him. When he realized this, his cheeks burned redder, his stomach flipping in on itself. “You’re the flirt…” Hyeongjun mumbled, still not daring himself to look at Seungmin. If he did, he might explode.

“But I mean it; you’re pretty.” Seungmin laid his arm on the backrest behind Hyeongjun, leaning close enough that Hyeongjun could hear Seungmin’s steady breathing. “I seriously can’t get tired of looking at you all day.”

Hyeongjun finally willed himself to look, and only then he realized how close Seungmin’s face was to his. He swallowed the lump in his throat, feeling the ice cream on his hand beginning to melt. “Y-you…you’re pretty too, just saying.” He didn’t know if he was saying the right words, not when he was treading along Seungmin’s flirting game.

Seungmin smiled, and with a finger, he wiped the ice cream that dripped on Hyeongjun’s hand, bringing that same finger back to his lips. “You should finish that.” Seungmin hummed at the taste, pulling himself back.

On the other hand, Hyeongjun’s heart thrummed endlessly in his chest. He should’ve gotten used to this by now, but he wasn’t. Not when Seungmin kept blurring the line between them. Or when Seungmin always seemed so calm after setting Hyeongjun’s nerves off. Or when Seungmin’s fingers were inches close behind Hyeongjun’s neck. It was so much and so little at the same time. Hyeongjun never wanted to hold Seungmin so badly, for himself and for Seungmin. Hyeongjun felt a bit sulky now that he realized Seungmin had the upper hand between them. Hyeongjun wasn’t a controlling type, but he wished he could affect Seungmin the same way.

After a while, Seungmin said, “Thank you for saying that, though.” His voice was soft and genuine as always, but this sounded much more tender than usual. “I must sound stupid saying such things, yet you…” It hung in the air heavy, it was an unspoken rule between them that they would not ever mention the inevitable destiny of Hyeongjun’s fate. Though, somewhere deep within Hyeongjun, he wished he was comfortable enough to tell Seungmin he was fine with dying, but Seungmin might think otherwise. “You’re just admirable. I like it a lot, your way of seeing things differently.”

The corner of Hyeongjun’s lips involuntarily curled, his chest blooming a warm feeling. “That’s what you told me, to make the best out of it.” He vividly remembered their time at the beach, under the moonlight, watching the sparkling sea. That night when his loneliness ached so much, and that night when Seungmin soothed it.

Maybe there wasn’t much of a difference between them. Maybe Seungmin’s silence did not set them apart. Hyeongjun realized he just had to be there, just like Seungmin was for him. They didn’t need words to understand each other, they didn’t need fate to tell them they were soulmates. Actually, it might’ve been fate that made Hyeongjun feel so connected with Seungmin; the fact that they were both damned. It gave him comfort knowing he wasn’t alone.

“We’ll make the best out of it, Hyeongjun.” Seungmin said. That wall between them wasn’t as big as Hyeongjun thought it would be.

—

May 6th.

It had been three years since the day Oh Seungmin’s life completely changed.

He couldn’t deny how much he was drawn into the fate vein phenomena. He loved how romantic it was, how its sole purpose was to find your kin. Ironic, since he believed that life wasn’t just about one person, how could it be when the world had so much to offer? So maybe he had a love-hate relationship with fate veins, but his own fate vein didn’t bother him so much as everything in his life slotted perfectly where he wanted it to be. He had everything he wanted; perfect reputation, perfect grades, perfect family, and perfect life.

Even the perfect soulmate.

So why was it that Oh Seungmin wanted more than what he already had? Why was he, in nature, so greedy of more when everything was right there, palpable, and just in reach? What did he want?

He was young, only sixteen when he first met his soulmate. A girl from the same town, studying from the school that competed with his. Everyone believed they were the perfect couple, the perfect soulmates—two academically gifted students who were at the top of their schools, bounded by fate. They had everything; they even shared the same last names. Even those who had already met their fated soulmate were jealous of them. That was how perfect they were. They were the couple you would’ve seen in movies, the couple written in books, the couple everyone loved.

The problem was, Seungmin had never felt that kind of love everyone romanticized for his soulmate.

That memory of their first meeting haunted him like a curse, or maybe it was part of his curse, but it was an interschool summer fair when he had first stepped into the competing school—which was held there because his school couldn’t house more students than it already had—it was a clear, sunny day. Of course, it was summer, but the sun was even more ruthless than it already was that day. He could practically melt in his shoes.

He remembered how he squinted his eyes, the sunlight hitting his lashes as he was looking up at the banner right at the entrance. He remembered his hand lifting to provide shade for his eyes, only to have his wrist sting his eyes with its blinding glow. And he remembered how the girl in front of him, who was the student council president of her school, shared the same look as his. A strong glow peeked through the light fabric of her sleeves, and another girl with her fingers tangled with the hand of the very same wrist.

His soulmate was right in front of him. People had said that meeting your soulmate would be the best thing that could happen to you; it was like the world was in the palm of your hand the moment you’d meet them, like you would be enlightened, know and understand everything. That wasn’t what Seungmin felt when he saw his soulmate looking at him, her hand tightly wrapped with her girlfriend’s, trembling just like the way her brows did when she finally realized. But what was worse was the crushing feeling Seungmin felt in his gut; that his soulmate was not a male.

Before they could even exchange words to one another, so many people had circled around them and celebrated, because finding one’s soulmate was worth a celebration. His voice, her voice, they were drowned out before they could even let a word out. It all happened too fast; everyone found out, their parents found out and they were set up to be married. He didn’t even know her, but he knew one thing, they shared the same hatred for each other.

Were fate veins supposed to be like this? To be fated with someone you’d never want? Seungmin’s love-hate relationship with it had turned into hate with a full stop. It was cruel, unfair, and inconsiderate. He wanted to run from it much like she did.

But the memory that haunted him all night was the last of the measly conversations they had. The night after their wedding ceremony, while everyone’s bellies were filled with delicious rice cakes and soybean paste stew, Seungmin’s tongue was rough in his mouth from his self-deprivation of eating. He couldn’t eat when his stomach was filled with bile. The last thing he tasted was the bitter taste of his wife’s lips, the bitter taste of fate’s cruelty between them as their marriage was finally sealed into place.

He didn’t care so much about himself then, he had learned to accept it, but his soulmate sat inside their bedroom, her fists balled up and trembling like the first time. Her eyes were burning holes into the ground, maybe if she stared longer, the world would burst into flames. She had so much anger, so much grief and hatred within her. Seungmin understood it all, since he, himself, hated that they were fated. But he could only sympathize about losing someone he loved; he didn’t have a boyfriend like how she had her girlfriend. They were both in love, it was the one thing that stood between him and her soulmate aside from their sexualities, the fact that she was in love with someone else already.

Seungmin knew it was his fault he allowed the marriage to fall through, that he hadn’t done anything to stop it, but how could he when his parents had expected so much from him? He knew how much she hated him, he realized it the night before their marriage, how their argument didn’t stop until she cried hysterically. But, because they were alone, Seungmin was the only one who could calm her down as much as she resisted. He wished he had protested against his parents at least once, but Seungmin was always the perfect child. He couldn’t break free from that role, not even in such a desperate time. He realized this, and he wanted to cry, too, to shout at no one in particular, or maybe at himself, but he had to school himself into place like it was the only thing he knew. Between them, in that moment, someone had to be the strong one.

So, when she finally swallowed the painful lump in her throat, she looked up at him with tears brimming in her eyes. Her eyes weren't filled with anger anymore when she said, “Help me, please help me. Seungmin.” Her voice was hoarse from the screaming last night. With that, Seungmin fell to his knees in front of her, his hand hesitating to hold her trembling ones. “She’s…she’s—” She choked up, her breathing growing labored as droplets of her tears began to fall endlessly.

“She’s what?” Seungmin already knew who she meant. Her girlfriend must’ve been devastated about their marriage, but he hadn’t considered how bad it could be for her.

Still, his soulmate cried. Her shoulders shook violently as she clasped her fingers together, her head bowing to the floor and her mouth losing its whiny sound, almost as if she was praying to Seungmin. He felt like puking—this sight was not something he was meant to see. Was he so abhorrent to her, so sinister and cruel that she practically had to beg for her life back? Tears began to form in his own eyes, the pit of his stomach too empty but too heavy to carry.

“Haewon,” He called. It was one of the rarest moments he had ever said her name out loud, he felt like he had no right to say her name. “Haewon, don’t do this, please lift your head…” He bowed his head down now as he gritted his cry back, he couldn’t afford to be weak now, not when Haewon was asking for his help. That was the most he could do.

His hands tried to reach out to Haewon, their fate veins filled to the brim; glowing atrociously in the distance between each other. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t hold her.

For some reason—and he knew how absurd the timing was—he realized that this was what connected them as soulmates; their shared misery of being fated to one another. It wasn’t Seungmin nor was it Haewon who caused this all, it was fate and its fucking rules that everyone had to follow unless they wanted to face the worse. Yet, what else could be worse than this? To have someone cry their heart out because they didn’t want to be fated to their soulmate? Seungmin would rather die.

Haewon finally caught her breath, a loud, desperate gasp of air. Seungmin’s heart tightened. “Lily—she… she did it, Seungmin,” She managed to say between her loud cries.

“Did what?” He asked but he felt like he already knew. He dared himself to hear it from Haewon herself, dread filling his veins.

And so, Haewon gave him what he asked for. “She killed herself.”

She killed herself .

It rang in his head. Haewon’s soft, weak voice, and those three dreadful words that made him go completely numb.

He didn’t think, or couldn’t. His mind was clouded with unbearable guilt. His body moved on its own, lifting itself up and leaving their cursed, matrimonial room. The ugly mix of white dahlias and peonies covered the corners of the room, laces in the same disgusting color curtaining the windows and the bed itself, covered in red rose petals, where they were expected to create life out of. He puked at the thought as soon as he was out of the room. Hours of starvation managed to catch up to him quick, his belly ached as he heaved dryly, there was nothing to puke out anymore.

It was a full moon night. The crowd had since dispersed for the night, some of them were in the other hanok , drinking and celebrating for the fated couple’s marriage. But there was Seungmin, mindlessly wandering, his body so numb the only thing he could feel was the heavy steps of his feet. Walking somewhere far, far away from what he knew. From Oh Haewon, from fate, from life.

Seungmin didn’t feel the cold splashing of sea on his ankles, on his knees, and up to his chest. He didn’t feel his hanbok soak up the water, nor did he feel it enter his lungs. He didn’t feel anything not until the next sunrise when he was washed up ashore, sand freckled on his skin, his lips blue and eyes stung from the salty sea water.

His eyes fluttered open to the bright sun blazing on his skin. Summertime was nearing its end, it wasn’t as hot as it was when he first met Haewon, yet his cheeks were flushed warm despite his body shivering from his cold, wet clothes. He could hear the chatter of people; all gathered around him and muttering words he couldn’t comprehend.

The first thing he thought was, why am I still alive?

“Seungmin, you’re finally awake…?” Someone crouched down beside him, he couldn’t see them clearly, but he could tell the tone of their voice was filled with urgency.

Another person hastily ran to his side, “Seungmin, you need to get up. Your wife…”

My wife?

Who?

His lips mimed the words, but his throat produced no sound other than a dry, hacking cough. He felt their hands sit him up gently, their eyes filled with so much concern. It was then Seungmin realized who they were; Haewon’s uncle and the neighbor next door. “Did something happen last night?” His uncle asked, his voice uncharacteristically calm. Seungmin had only spoken to this man once, the impression of him being a loud drunkard stuck.

But even Seungmin couldn’t answer his question. He couldn’t remember anything.

“She’s dead!” Someone from the distance shouted and their heads turned in terror. Only Seungmin didn’t look. “She’s dead, it’s confirmed!”

“Oh god…” The woman beside Seungmin gasped, her hand letting go of his shoulder to clutch her own chest.

He realized, in that moment, that he shouldn’t have left Haewon alone in their quarters that night.

The memory haunted him still, especially on this day. It had been three years since Haewon hung herself in the middle of their matrimonial bedroom, in that room filled with flowers that only reminded him of her death, of what he could’ve stopped. Because of his selfishness, Haewon was left to battle with her thoughts alone, when Seungmin could’ve been there for her.

No one knew what happened that night, not even their parents. Seungmin refused to speak that day, he couldn't. He only watched as the blood in his fate vein drained until it was at the crease of his arm, greying out while the days passed. His parents decided to put him in therapy and consulted a specialist at the same time, where he found out he had been cursed by fate. Just when it couldn’t get worse, it did, but yet Seungmin felt so numb that he stared blankly on the white tiles as the doctor, specialist, and his parents mumbled about his misery in the background. All he could think of was Haewon, what he could’ve done. He should’ve convinced his parents the marriage wasn’t going to work. He should’ve been there for Haewon that night. He should’ve called sick that summer fair. He should’ve, but he didn’t.

He was discharged from the hospital after a month, but when heading back to the neighborhood, the people whispered and gossiped. He didn’t hear any of their words but he could tell, in their condemning eyes, how much of a useless human he was. That he should’ve been the one who died. He understood it all, everyone in the town loved Oh Haewon, and he agreed, it should’ve been him.

There were those three months of intense monitoring. They thought that Seungmin would attempt something, but he couldn’t even move from his bed.

His parents did everything, signed him up for college only for him to drop out barely a week after, until they gave up. They couldn’t handle the scrutinization of the neighborhood, or the way Haewon’s family pressed them for answers that only Seungmin could provide—which he never did. His parents left him in his brother’s stead, even though they tried to force him to come along, but he refused. It was the first time his voice came back to its normal volume; he even thought he was screaming, but his voice was so weak when he finally fought back against his parents’ wishes. Something he should’ve done a long time ago.

He refused to run away from the town. Somewhere in those days of isolation, he realized that he didn’t even deserve to end his own life, that he had to live the rest of his life out in misery, all in tribute to Haewon’s death. That was what his fate vein told him anyway and he began to believe it himself.

It got worse after his parents left. His brother wasn’t really present since he was graduating from undergrad himself, so out of spite, Seungmin selfishly did everything to feel anything. From harmless acts, like going on a ride with his bicycle (he only got a motorcycle after all of this), to things that made the neighbor’s scrutiny worse. His shiny, clean reputation of being a top diligent student was easily tarnished when he hopped around bars, hopped around men, his age or older, just to feel anything. But all he felt like was shit. He convinced himself that it was alright, he deserved to feel that way, he deserved all the shit in the world. And then it was the relationships, the tragedies that came with it, and only until Jiseok did he wake up and fix himself. It had been a year since he finally tried again at life, but there were those days when he’d wallow himself back into that pit again, just like every sixth of May.

So when his fingers typed in a message, he only thought of how selfish he was being. All of his friends knew that in the first week of May, Seungmin had to go radio silent for as long as he needed to, but it was so unbearable now. Maybe it was because it was his first time facing this day without being dazed out drunk, yet all he could think of was Han Hyeongjun, the boy he couldn’t stop himself from falling for, but he could keep him at arm's length. He attempted to, in terrible fashion, but at least he did. Except for tonight when the darkness of his room felt too suffocating, it felt like he was drowning in the sea again.

Seungmin met Hyeongjun that night. He wasn’t particular about flavors, but the taste of guilt in his throat couldn’t be drowned out by the strong taste of pistachio.

He could see Hyeongjun wanted in. He wanted Hyeongjun to know, too. Seungmin wanted to lean onto his shoulder and talk about their fates, but he was scared to lose him just like he had lost every bit of himself three years ago.

“Even if the world hates you for living, you just have to keep doing it. It’s alright to believe you deserve much more…even just a little bit.”

Was he really allowed to believe in it? After everything that had happened? Hyeongjun’s words comforted Seungmin that night, even though Hyeongjun himself didn’t know. He didn’t have to. It was worth having pistachio ice cream melted all over their hands if it meant they could bond in their tragedies.

Seungmin went home that night, contemplating for how long he should have to carry this burden. Was it time to forgive himself?

“You wouldn’t even forgive me.” He said to no one in particular, but in his dreams, he was there again, in the competing school’s entrance, where his wrist blinded his eyes and Haewon with the one look Seungmin was allowed to see of her—the look of detestation.

Chapter Text

“Don’t you ever feel hot in your clothes?”

Sitting right in front of Hyeongjun was Seungmin and his current favorite order of naengmyeon . The weather was only getting ruthless and so was the demand for colder dishes in the restaurant, Seungmin being one to reap most of it. The schedule strayed off a little with him coming in at least three more times a day now, mostly due to the hardware store and its lack of airconditioning.

The restaurant was empty in the morning and noon. The heat made everyone in town sheltered in the comfort of their homes. Right now, Hyeongjun wouldn’t have to divide his attention anymore while Seungmin was here, and he didn’t know if that was good for his heart or not.

Despite the heat, Hyeongjun was more than comfortable. All he had to do was stay away from sunlight and that was what he had been doing for weeks now, or for most of his life basically.

“Not really,” Hyeongjun responded, watching Seungmin’s brow form a knot at this.

He wore his same light clothing in powder blue, sleeves still as long as he wanted it and a flower-patterned white skirt that reached down his ankles. Seungmin, on the other hand, struggled with the heat—he wore a dark grey shirt, sleeves rolled up to his shoulders. Though the restaurant had a fairly working airconditioner—and, not to mention, the cold noodles he was eating—it did not help keep his biceps from being slick with sweat. Hyeongjun had also been resisting the urge to wipe the sweat off Seungmin’s temples since he stepped into the restaurant, ultimately resorting to fanning him with a hand fan.

Seungmin lifted his head and paused, his eyes regarding Hyeongjun carefully, “Yeah, that probably looks cold to wear.” He sighed before dipping his head near the bowl again.

Hyeongjun pouted, his hand slowing down on the fan. “Is that sarcasm?”

“No, I mean it,” He wiped the sweat off his forehead with a tissue. Hyeongjun did try his best fanning Seungmin, but when he had to do this for thirty minutes straight, he obviously just wasn’t prepared for an arm workout. “I don’t think I can joke in this kind of weather.”

Hyeongjun continued to move his hand, ignoring the growing ache on his shoulder. “I didn’t think summer would be this hot over here.” He said. Back in the city, summer was bearable enough, though he couldn’t really make much of it back when he was still there.

Seungmin hummed, “What’s it like in Seoul?”

“Not too hot.”

“For lack of a better description?”

Hyeongjun shook his head. He really didn’t have much to say. “I barely went out ever since I started getting sick, and I don’t remember much from my childhood.” Now that he had mentioned it, he realized it had been over a month since he had been struck with a sickness. His nape began to itch just thinking about it.

Seungmin nodded slowly, “Alright, I won’t push it. Sorry.”

He shook his head. Seungmin had a habit of apologizing for things he shouldn’t be apologizing for, Hyeongjun wondered if it was something of his past that made him like this, but he always wondered everything about Seungmin’s past anyway. “It’s fine, I don’t mind at all.” He said.

He had been thinking about it for a while; to ask Seungmin about his curse. Seungmin could tell him the gist if it was too heavy to talk about, or just not tell him at all, either way Hyeongjun would get an idea and understand.

So, he approached the topic carefully. “What about you, do you get sick?” He tried, maybe the question would resonate with Seungmin.

“Me? No.” Seungmin firmly said, like he had been practicing this for a long time now.

“Oh, uh…what does your, uhm, curse , do then?” Hyeongjun tried again, hoping that his words weren’t too pushy or too curious like he had been dying to know more, and hoping that he chose the right words to describe Seungmin’s fate or curse or whatever Seungmin liked to call it. Hyeongjun had to save face, at least.

Seungmin stopped, his fingers rubbing the spoon in a torturous manner. Hyeongjun felt it in his gut; he messed up by asking that question.

Yet, “Other way around.” and when Hyeongjun did not understand, “It hurts people. Makes others sick.” Seungmin simply said, taking a spoonful of noodles before he was finally done with his bowl. “Ah, that was pretty good. You should’ve eaten with me.”

Hyeongjun chuckled, “And have you eat my bowl too? No thanks, I’ll just get you another bowl instead.” Seungmin flashed a sheepish grin at this. It was true, almost every time they’d eat together (which barely happened, but it did happen) Seungmin would end up finishing both meals.

He shifted in his seat, his smile still shy, “Sorry,” Again. Hyeongjun resisted a sigh. “the weather just makes me more hungry.” Seungmin dug through his pockets and set his payment down on the table. “But I think it’s more because of how your mother cooks it.”

Hyeongjun nodded, taking the money. “She does make good food.”

Suddenly, Seungmin slowly reached over the table, “Which is, aside from you, also the reason why I come here every day.” He took the fan from Hyeongjun’s grip, fanning himself as he turned away, which Hyeongjun silently thanked for—he must have turned into a tomato with how red his cheeks were getting.

“Yeah,” Hyeongjun cleared his throat, collecting himself before Seungmin could surprise him again.

As Seungmin let out soft restrained whines about the heat, Hyeongjun thought of how he was easily dismissed with his question earlier. He already understood it was established that Seungmin didn’t want to talk about it, but really, who wouldn’t be so curious about it? It hurts people, makes others sick , Seungmin said, but how? And moreover, how was that even a curse? Hyeongjun internally slapped himself, what an idiot he was for thinking such things. It was obviously something Seungmin found hard to deal with, but what bothered Hyeongjun the most was that he acknowledged Seungmin wouldn’t elaborate on the topic and that he still was not worthy enough to know more.

Somehow, his thoughts had transmitted to his face when Seungmin said, “I’ll tell you more about it soon.” He gave a reassuring smile, which made Hyeongjun feel even more guilty for ever doubting him. “I’m sorry, I’m just figuring out how to tell you without it sounding like…” Seungmin trailed off, his brows meeting in the middle as he stared at the wooden table, like the words would form on the cracks.

It anchored on him; he realized the gravity of the topic when Seungmin had such a troubled look on his face. I shouldn’t be pushing this, Hyeongjun thought. He had already come with a solution to this—back when they had ice cream, when it had to melt for him to realize he did not need to know more, so why was his curiosity being stubborn about this again?

“It’s okay, I should be the one saying sorry.” Hyeongjun’s head dipped, he let his fingers fiddle with each other, nails digging on the cuticles.

Hyeongjun expected that Seungmin would say something in defense, but he kept quiet, like a calm sea with no waves to push—no anger, no sadness, just utter silence. This was a side of Seungmin that Hyeongjun would drown in just to get to where Seungmin stood, but how could he swim in a sea that did not wish to be disturbed?

After a brief silence between them, Hyeongjun spoke, “I know you don’t want to talk about it. I’m sorry for being curious.” He pulled his lips into a small, faint smile, but couldn’t bring himself to look at Seungmin in the eye.

“No, you have every right to be curious about it.” In the corner of Hyeongjun’s eye was Seungmin’s finger tapping lazily on the table, moving infinitesimally close then pulling back. He tried to stop his heart from skipping a beat. “I’ll tell you, if you come with me.”

Hyeongjun finally looked at him. This was all it took; Seungmin’s invitation for anything. “Where?”

Seungmin seemed to notice this as well, his lips forming a smile, “There’s a mini bonfire festival happening. To celebrate the town having another summer.” he said, “Because no one knows when we’ll stop having another summer, like how we never know when our hearts would stop beating.”

Of course, this was a sentiment that—in reality—could not be shared with Hyeongjun, but it was nice to hear. Life was definitely not meaningless at all, these people in town have made a celebration for life, and being fated to die did not mean he couldn’t celebrate the life he was living out.

“When does it take place?” Hyeongjun asked, already thinking of ribbons and bell sleeves for an outfit.

—

Up in the apartment, the halls were blanketed with darkness and an eerie silence. At least that was what Hyeongjun thought of it.

It had been three months since they moved into town. He had grown fond of many things; the slow business in the mornings and the rush in the evenings, the town’s complete, unified silence at 10 PM, Seungmin and his almost daily visits (sometimes with his friends, mostly with Jiseok), and the unplanned late night escapades to the convenience store. But the silence in their apartment was the only thing he couldn’t get used to.

Hyeongjun knew it was his fate that weighed down on the family. He counted his visits to the hospital—three times for his severe rashes, four for the high, unrelenting fevers, six for his heart and its bouts of random cessation of its function (but even that weren’t too serious, just had him passed out in school hallways), and lastly, twice when he did not wake up from his sleep. His bi-weekly check-ups for maintenance also took a toll on their financial budget. And all of it took a toll on his mental health, too.

His parents hadn’t failed to assure him that he was not at fault for this, but being constantly looked after was more pressuring than assuring. Hyeongjun wanted to be reliable, he tried his best in school though much of his wishes to be smart was difficult to come into fruition, so he made sure he was diligent with house chores, but all of that couldn’t, or would never amount to the care his parents had given him.

It was the way the walls barely bounced the sounds of happiness in this household. He did not mind the silence, he minded the death of enthusiasm in his parents’ voice.

Just like himself, he had lost a part of them, too.

Deep into the night, Hyeongjun stood in front of his parents’ room, unsure of what to say. He wanted to talk about many things; about the growing distance between them. Even though they’d see each other every day, it wasn’t like they always talked. All those mindless, trivial conversations were a thing of the past. Their conversations now were all concerns for his health. And while Hyeongjun embraced change, this was one that he couldn’t handle.

His hand hesitated to knock, lifting and dropping. He missed their embrace, the way it was not tight with the fear that his death followed along every tick of the clock.

Eventually, he stepped away from the door with a heavy heart, retiring for the dark, lonely night, the moon being his only companion again.

—

Two weeks was what Hyeongjun needed to painfully wait for the festival to take place, which was being held in the next town. Here, there were people from other parts of the island, and most Hyeongjun could recognize in the crowd were Seungmin, Jiseok and his boyfriend, Jungsu, and his soulmate, Jooyeon. He only found out they were soulmates today despite having seen them several times already.

“But like, I don’t blame you,” Jiseok grinned at Hyeongjun as they walked down the rows of stalls, “I know you can’t believe my soulmate is some…schmuck, and not Jungsu, but it’s really no big deal.”

Jooyeon rolled his eyes. He had more sass than Jiseok and Seungmin combined. “I wish I wasn’t your soulmate either, but here we are.” The blonde stuck his tongue out playfully as a response to Jooyeon, who had his signature sneer plastered on his face. The few times Hyeongjun had seen him without it was when Jiseok wasn’t with him.

“It kind of makes sense, you guys seem so alike.” When Hyeongjun said this, the duo didn’t take it too well.

“That’s offensive. No one in my family looks like their lips have been smacked with a boat paddle.” Jooyeon said, his eyes narrowing at Jiseok.

Jiseok, obviously not backing down, crossed his arms pettily. “At least mine is distinguishable. Also he said we seemed alike, not looked , dumbass.”

Jooyeon had nothing more to say, only laughing in defeat along with Jiseok. Hyeongjun watched them fondly; they really were soulmates. He felt a little conflicted about their relationship until he saw how Jungsu was casual about it. Some lives work out pretty well for some people, and Jiseok was one of the lucky ones to experience it.

To kill time waiting for the bonfire ceremony to start, they had been strolling around the area. It was the second time Hyeongjun had been out with Seungmin and his friends outside the restaurant, but he noted how Jiseok walked…a bit oddly. He didn’t want to notice it but he couldn’t ignore it either; the way Jiseok’s back was ever-so-slightly tilted as his left foot dragged with every step.

Hyeongjun shook his head before his curiosity ate at him and pulled his jacket closer to his chest; he did not really prepare much for the day, just his usual loose jeans and a graphic tee. His hair tied into two pigtails to keep them from bursting out like a cloud on his head.

Probably because Hyeongjun was already accustomed to being in a small town, he was not expecting a large crowd, and he began to feel every inch of his skin, the creases of his fingers pooling in sweat, and the bones on his legs feeling like they weren’t upright. He sighed and blinked and shook his head, trying to stay calm. It had been like this for him for an hour or two now.

As they walked, Hyeongjun trailed right behind Seungmin, not too far for him to be suspicious and not too close either. The area was pretty with stalls of various entertainment and foods, so it was hard for Hyeongjun to admit that he wanted to go home already. He didn’t want to kill the joy either, in fact, he was enjoying himself, but the noise, the passersby, and the lights overstimulated him.

“We should try the haunted house,” Jungsu suggested as they were nearing the ticket booth. Right behind towered a tall replica of a haunted mansion.

Jiseok jumped excitedly, “That’s a good idea!”

“Being your soulmate does have benefits,” Jooyeon lifted their hands in the air, a blinding glow emitting from their veins as they cheered.

Hyeongjun gulped, he wasn’t scared of the mansion’s terrifying ambience, he was scared of his nerves being set on fire once inside. But of course, Hyeongjun was more considerate of his friends’ enjoyment rather than his own body crying for help since it made sense that being overstimulated was just a superficial thing…for others, not for him who was currently suffering from it, obviously.

As if he had some supernatural senses, Seungmin scooted closer to Hyeongjun’s side, his presence providing immediate comfort. “Are you alright?” Seungmin lowered his voice, a grasp on Hyeongjun’s forearm made them lag behind the three. His slender arm felt too small under Seungmin’s large yet gentle grip; he felt the hairs behind his neck stand.

Truthfully, Hyeongjun wanted to pull Seungmin away from the crowd and run back home, but he recalled how Seungmin had been feeling down lately and promised he would talk about it today—the best Hyeongjun could do was to not be a nuisance.

He shook his head with a faint smile, the corners of his lips feeling a little tight. “I’m fine.”

Hyeongjun swore he’d seen the slightest suspicion falling on Seungmin’s eyes, which made his heart drop for a split second. “Okay, just stay close to me.” Seungmin gave a reassuring look.

“Okay,” Hyeongjun nodded. He forgot he was feeling off and now that he remembered it, it did not feel so bad as it did earlier. He still felt and sensed everything around him, but his mind could only focus on the hand on his wrist that inched closer to his hand. Maybe that would make things worse for him, or better, but he was glad it was distracting enough.

Heading into the line, Hyeongjun gained extra time for composure. He tried breathing through his nose, which only made his throat feel more choked up, so he switched to his mouth, which made him sound like he was heaving, then ultimately decided on alternating between the two. He rubbed the tips of his fingers, grazing the tiny ridges with his nails, but then missing a line made him irritated so he stopped. He wandered his eyes around, but the lights were too bright and stung his eyes, so he just stared into the back of Seungmin’s head.

He only realized he was staring too much when Seungmin whipped his head around, “Is there something on my hair?” He asked, his eyes wary.

Hyeongjun needed a second before he hastily shook his head, “No, sorry, I didn’t mean to stare.” He admitted, leaving out the part why he needed to.

Seungmin smiled, his hands tightening in between Hyeongjun’s fingers. “I’ll let you stare, only if you let me, too.”

Hyeongjun couldn’t tell if he was being teased although Seungmin’s words were beginning to take effect when he felt his lips involuntarily curl coyly. “There’s nothing to stare at…” He mumbled.

“Trust me, there’s plenty.” With his free hand, Seungmin softly pinched Hyeongjun’s cheek. Oddly enough, he didn’t object to the action like he would’ve expected himself to.

Just like that, Seungmin easily washed Hyeongjun’s anxiousness away without even knowing it.

—

Your fate is stuck with me.

I will break your bones!

The whispers inside the mansion were as comical as it could get. Hyeongjun merely flinched every time a scare actor would pop out from the corner compared to Jiseok who was practically screaming his lungs out by now, and even that was nothing compared to Jooyeon who basically shifted the entire mansion into an opera house. All the while Jungsu laughed at their reactions; most especially at Hyeongjun, he was amused at how composed Hyeongjun was being.

“Wow, you must be having the time of your life,” Jungsu’s eyes were practically invisible with him laughing so hard.

Hyeongjun’s lips curled sheepishly, “I guess…”

Though the usually cool and calm Seungmin who was previously holding his hand was now clinging onto Hyeongjun’s arm like a koala and yelping cutely at every jumpscare. Hyeongjun couldn’t deny how much he liked it to the point he wanted to keep Seungmin glued to his arm forever, but that would obviously make him look insane, so he just kept a straight face.

“ WHARRRGGHHH!! ”

The sound came from behind and caused them to automatically dash ahead to god-knows-where, the three screaming like the day was going to be their last. A tiny whimper left Seungmin’s lips and the sound slipped right into Hyeongjun’s ears, and this was the only time he got surprised in the mansion. He shut his eyes tightly to resist the urge to laugh.

When they were finally at a space where it felt calm, Seungmin pulled onto Hyeongjun’s arm to stop them from walking further. The three continued on ahead without looking back. Hyeongjun turned behind to see Seungmin hopping on one foot.

“Fuck, I think I sprained my ankle.” Seungmin groaned helplessly as he staggered, reaching out to Hyeongjun to cling on him again.

He moved Seungmin’s arm to his shoulder, ignoring the feeling of the clammy hands resting on his neck and wrapping his now free arm onto the small of Seungmin’s back. “I got you,” Hyeongjun said, but he could barely even hold himself together.

They continued on, the flickering red light barely providing vision but Hyeongjun did his best to guide Seungmin through. He followed the sound of Jiseok’s unending screaming ahead.

Suddenly, a cold gust of wind breezed past them as, “Are you alright—”

“Ah! Oh, fuck, you scared me!” Seungmin shouted. In front of them was a witch’s face half-melted with blood dripping on its chin. The three seemed to have already passed by the scare actor as they had been out of their position for a while now, clearly having a concerned look underneath all the makeup. Hyeongjun was more startled by Seungmin rather than the scary looking face in front of them.

The scare actor bowed apologetically, “Sorry, it is my job to scare you, but it’s also my job to keep our customers safe.” They explained, “Is there something wrong? You’re limping.”

“He twisted his ankle, I think,” Hyeongjun responded for Seungmin who was out of breath from being frightened. “He’s alright.” For some reason, Hyeongjun felt like he needed to hold Seungmin tighter, like he was being taken away from him.

“Oh, there’s an emergency exit right here if you’d like to go?” The scare actor opened a door to a room with ample lighting, much better than the dark red lights.

Hyeongjun turned to Seungmin, “I think we should get your feet checked.” He suggested.

“Your choice,” Seungmin grumbled, shutting his eyes and sighing. “I don’t want to ruin the fun, I’m sorry.”

Hyeongjun’s heart skipped a beat. How could Seungmin manage to do this to him even in such an awkward situation? He thought of how he felt overstimulated earlier, wishing to be home instead of bumping shoulders with strangers in the crowd, and how he thought of the same sentiment as Seungmin.

They were the same. They had something in common, even if it was a trivial thing. Hyeongjun held back his relieved smile and shook his head.

“I’m fine, I had enough fun…” He said, “Your ankle did, too, I think.”

Seungmin chuckled, “You’re funny sometimes.”

“Just sometimes?” Hyeongjun raised his brow and began to move toward the door.

Seungmin patted his chest gently, the action rippling throughout his body. “You’ve got to start cracking more jokes.” They shared soft laughs as they headed out the door.

—

Back when Hyeongjun was a child, his first visit to the hospital was when he was on a vacation with his parents. He somehow managed to leave their cottage and made it to the beach by himself, and the next thing he knew was the cold, clean, and white lights that shone like death’s embrace. He wasn’t a great swimmer, he never learned to be, and he almost drowned that day.

Out of all his visits to the hospital, that memory was one that stuck out like a sore thumb, because at the time, he was never expecting his life to be at risk. That was drastically different from the now-frequent visits to the hospital (because of his deteriorating health, thank you fate), where every second were torturous interludes for his imminent death.

Hyeongjun found himself only remembering the mundane, like the fresh, ocean-like scented antiseptics, except none of that were here in the infirmary.

The infirmary was just a small, concrete stall with enough first-aids and public health workers. There were two beds separated by a curtain. Since Seungmin only had a light sprain, they did not have to use the beds and instead they sat on the waiting bench. He, still, could smell the ocean. Maybe he was hallucinating or it was Seungmin being beside him, but rooms like these were second nature to him; everything he had grown sensing of came back to him automatically, even if the antiseptics weren’t present.

“You’ll be fine but you’ll need a crutch if you still want to stroll around.” The nurse said.

“Uhm,” Hyeongjun felt his own voice leave his throat, “I, uh, can’t he just lean on me instead?”

“That would be a nice gesture, but the festival will last all night, you’ll tire yourself out and the infirmary will only be open thirty minutes after the bonfire starts.” Her voice was strict yet friendly, a tone Hyeongjun was also used to hearing. “Unless you guys will be sitting, but who would stay still in a festival, right?” She smiled somberly. “I’ll come back with the crutches.”

The nurse left the infirmary. Seungmin sank deeper into his seat and sighed, careful not to stretch out too much of his left foot that was wrapped in bandage. “Thanks, but I wouldn’t want your shoulder to ache either, so let’s just deal with the crutches.” He turned to Hyeongjun with a smile.

“I don’t mind if it aches.” If it’s you, I don’t mind. Hyeongjun wanted to say, but he decided to leave it at that.

Seungmin held his gaze for a moment, the bright light pooling in his eyes and his lips parting to speak only to be interrupted by his cellphone ringing. They both jumped at the sound as if they were both caught red handed. Hyeongjun blushed, moving his head away with a cough.

“Hello? Oh, Jungsu.” Seungmin answered the phone.

Hyeongjun gulped, unable to think or move. He wasn’t sure he wanted Seungmin to continue gazing at him like that with an unusual doe-ish look on his foxy eyes or whether he was thankful that Jungsu suddenly called. He did not realize having a crush on someone would be so nerve-wracking.

“We’re at the infirmary, something happened,” Seungmin’s voice filled the room, while Hyeongjun continued to think of what else could have conspired if the phone call didn’t come. He bit the inside of his cheek. “My ankle twisted in the haunted house. It’s nothing bad. No, we’re not going home. Yes. We’re just waiting for my crutches.”

Jungsu somehow made Seungmin sound like he was talking to a parent, and for some weird reason, Hyeongjun found it cute. He wondered what Seungmin was like with his parents, the thought filling him with warmth. “You’re coming? It’s fine. We’ll be out in a bit. Yeah. Oh, Hyeongjun? Beside me.”

Hyeongjun was too deep in his thoughts to even notice his name being mentioned, not until, “You wanna talk to him? Jiseok? What does he want? Ugh, what is it? No. Stop it, he’s not—no, he’s fine. I swear. I—you know what, whatever.”

Seungmin tapped Hyeongjun on his shoulder, making him slightly jump at the touch. I need to get it together . Hyeongjun cursed himself. “Jiseok wants to talk to you.” Seungmin hesitated before handing over the cellphone, “Uh, you don’t have to take it.” He said.

Hyeongjun shook his head although his nervousness was building up in his throat, “It’s okay. It must be something important.”

“With Jiseok? It isn’t.”

They stared at each other for a second. Hyeongjun needed to think fast or his heart would flip, so he took the phone out of Seungmin’s grip—ignoring the surprised look, of course—and placed the phone to his ear. “Hello?” He also ignored how his voice began to shake.

“ Oh my god, Hyeongjun, are you alright? I heard you guys are at the infirmary. ” Jiseok’s voice was laced with intense fear, as if something grave happened.

“What is wrong with him?” Seungmin mumbled exasperatedly with a hand running down his face.

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine.” Hyeongjun kept his words minimal as possible to not attract attention to the fact he was getting phone-call anxiety, if that was a thing.

Hyeongjun never liked having to take phone calls. If he received one, he would freeze and stare at the screen, waiting for the call to end. If he was forced to take one, he would be as silent as possible until he either places the phone down to relieve himself from the anxiety or wait until the receiving end would ask him to bring the phone back to his parents, but his parents weren’t here, it was Seungmin and Jiseok’s concerned voice that couldn’t make him put the phone down.

His response still wasn’t enough to keep Jiseok calm, “ Nothing happened to you, right? Oh god, I shouldn’t have told Seungmin to do all that stuff, god, I should’ve known. He cares a lot about you, you know? He’s not a terrible person, he just has a—uhm, a terrible thing, but he can’t control it. ”

“What terrible thing?” Hyeongjun was more curious now. What was Jiseok on about that was making him over the edge?

“ Wait, so nothing happened to you? Can I get an answer on that first? ”

He realized Seungmin was intently watching him take the call. His throat bobbed, “Nothing.” He said.

Finally, he heard a sigh of relief that made him feel relieved as well. “ Oh, geez. I thought…uh, nevermind. You should just ask Seungmin about it. ” Jiseok seemed out of breath as he spoke.

“Uh, okay,” Hyeongjun didn’t know how to respond anymore.

“ You sure nothing happened to you? Not even a scratch? ”

“I’m completely fine…?”

“ Okay, good. Phew, ” Jiseok took a pause before speaking again, “ Tell Seungmin to get his shit together. Oh, fuck, I won’t tease you guys anymore, just promise me you’ll be safe Hyeongjun. I don’t want anything bad happening. Especially you. Out of everyone Seungmin dated, you’re the one I care about the most— ”

“Give me that,” Seungmin snatched the phone out of Hyeongjun’s grasp, the action so swift and abrupt making him think Seungmin might be mad, and it did not help that he had an annoyed look on his face. “Stop it Jiseok. You’re overreacting, for fuck’s sake.” And he sounded mad, too. Hyeongjun felt himself go small in his seat.

“I’m fine. No!”—Hyeongjun jumped at Seungmin’s tone—”It did not get reversed, that’s impossible…I just sprained my ankle, okay? Will that make you calm down?” Seungmin groaned, he looked regretful but he also looked…pissed? Hyeongjun wasn’t sure.

Seungmin managed to keep his calm and lowered his tone. “Put the phone down or give it to Jooyeon. Let Jungsu calm you down. I’m sorry. Yes, everything’s fine. Please just calm down, Jiseok.”

The phone call ends. This could be added to Hyeongjun’s list of reasons why he hated having to take phone calls. He heard a sigh from his side as Seungmin dug his phone back into his pocket, wincing at having to move his leg.

Although it was clear things were not alright, Hyeongjun asked, “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, no, Jiseok just gets…antsy when he hears about, uhm, injuries.” It was like Seungmin was hiding something. No, he definitely was, and Hyeongjun was so used to his secrets. That didn’t mean it stopped irritating him, though. “It’s his accident that’s making him like this.”

“Accident?” Hyeongjun did not want to pry, but shouldn’t he at least know? He couldn’t be so far off the line Seungmin drew between them, right?

Seungmin nodded, “He got into an accident two years back. It was terrible.” When he saw the look on Hyeongjun’s face, he added, “He’s recovered now, obviously, so don’t worry.”

Then it hit him. Jiseok wasn’t walking oddly earlier; he was walking in pain. Hyeongjun felt his heart sink into his stomach, how bad must the accident be? His mouth moved without realizing, “Is that why he has a limp?”

As soon as he heard himself, he clasped his mouth shut. God, his curiosity couldn’t give him a break, could it?

Despite Hyeongjun’s terrible manners, Seungmin laughed at his reaction. “It’s okay.”

“It’s not…he’d be offended if he heard me.” Hyeongjun said.

“He wouldn’t. He would have a field day hearing you mention it.” Seungmin wiped a tear off his eye. Hyeongjun still couldn’t find any of this funny. “And you’re right, he does have a limp.”

And though Hyeongjun felt uncomfortable asking more, he did anyway. “But you said he’s recovered?”

Seungmin’s lips pulled into a thin line, staring ahead blankly. Maybe something in Hyeongjun’s question struck a nerve, maybe he shouldn’t have asked.

He gave Seungmin a moment until he could respond, “It took him half a year to fully recover, but it left him with a limp. He usually does a great job at hiding it but some days, it would get really…bad, and then he would have to use a wheelchair.”

“Oh…”

The hum of the generator that kept the infirmary running sounded throughout the entire room. Despite not being the only people inside, it was silent, the kind where the silence would ring in your ears and make your entire body feel out of place.

It took Seungmin a while before he spoke again, his voice much lower and softer. “I don’t think this is the right place to tell you, but he got into an accident because of me.” His head slowly bowed, hiding, pulling away from something Hyeongjun couldn’t fathom.

“How…?” He asked, but maybe he shouldn’t have.

In Hyeongjun’s eyes, Seungmin was having a hard time letting the words out, his throat regurgitating the words like each of them were sharp blades. Hyeongjun wanted to stop him from saying more but this might be the only time Seungmin would ever say anything—he had to endure the pain of seeing Seungmin struggling to bring it all up.

Maybe Hyeongjun was being greedy, but he did not have much time left. If he was going to die, shouldn’t he at least know what troubled Seungmin and help him through it first?

But could he really endure seeing Seungmin struggle to find strength in all this?

His hand hesitated to move, but it did, and it held Seungmin with a firm grip. “You can stop if you want to. I don’t need to know everything.” He said. What was the point of knowing if it only causes pain for Seungmin to even say anything?

Seungmin finally looked at him again; his eyes reminding Hyeongjun of that time at the viewdeck again. Dark, grim, and drowned in so much guilt.

It was the irresolute feeling of needing to know more about Seungmin and being content with whatever was being shown to him that Hyeongjun hated the most, because he didn’t know how to bring Seungmin comfort regardless. He felt useless; cruel, even, when he kept bugging Seungmin about getting him to talk about it when Hyeongjun only realized now how difficult it was to say anything. Hyeongjun never expected for it to be so difficult that it would pain him to see Seungmin taking pauses, grappling around for the right words, and waiting for the right timing to say anything.

“I owe it to you.” Seungmin said.

“You don’t…you really don’t.” Hyeongjun replied.

The room stilled, all he could feel were the hands underneath his, and Seungmin’s eyes that felt like a whole different world to gaze at. And although their faces were so close now, Hyeongjun felt so far from Seungmin. He could see him, hear him, touch him, but that was all he could do. If he tried to reach out, that stubborn, unrelenting wall was not going to leave the space between them any time soon. Perhaps it was always meant to be like this; to be apart from each other, to be the complete opposite of what soulmates were.

Seungmin, for the first time, was the first to look away as he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

Hyeongjun watched helplessly as Seungmin wallowed back into the depths of his dark, uninviting sea. Even if the waves weren’t harsh, if he waded through the tides gently, he still would drown. He was not a great swimmer, after all.

—

The flames licked the air, crackling and flickering. The applewood scent floated beneath everyone’s noses and people danced around the fire. The drums made the scene almost like a movie. Underneath, Hyeongjun tapped his feet lightly to the beat, trying to feel something; to feel real.

Before the bonfire started, they had reunited with the three. As soon as Jiseok caught a glimpse of the two, he immediately ran up to Hyeongjun for a hug, as if he was the injured one. Hyeongjun accepted the hug though, however reluctant he was, he felt like he needed it.

The silence from the infirmary had followed the two. Hyeongjun was afraid to say anything more, he was still curious about everything but he’d rather keep his mouth shut than let a stupid question slip out of him again. Though they hadn’t been sharing glances since, they still stood beside each other, lurking behind the three who were happily singing along with the crowd. Hyeongjun had to admit, they both looked like a cloud of doom looming over a bunch of happy people.

An explosion of colors lit up the night sky, the sound thumping in Hyeongjun’s chest, or maybe that was his heart. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he watched the fireworks above him expand like stars exploding to engulf him.

More fireworks filled the sky, twinkling so brightly it felt like it was bigger than the entirety of his life. For the first time, he felt sad for himself. A firework was meant to shoot up to the sky and shine brightly, only for it to die. His life was just the same, the only difference was he never shined, that he only lived to die. There was nothing beautiful in his life but he still believed that somewhere in this universe, something was going to make his life worth living, even if that belief was beginning to waver.

As he was about to lift his hand to wipe the tear that slipped down his cheek, a hand stopped him as its fingers slipped in between his fingers. Seungmin still did not say anything and continued to watch the sky while Hyeongjun’s heart sped up.

He knew it was difficult for Seungmin. He knew, yet his heart continued to hurt, because it was much more painful knowing he couldn’t do anything to help, that Seungmin didn’t need him at all. So why did it hurt more when Hyeongjun felt Seungmin’s hand again?

It hurts…why does it hurt so much? He turned his head to the other side and wiped his tears that continuously fell. He couldn’t stop them anymore.

Seungmin held him tighter, rubbing circles with his thumb on the back of Hyeongjun’s hand. He swore he felt the trace of the letters spelling out, I’m sorry .

“You’re too good for me, Hyeongjun,” The silence finally broke, and though Seungmin’s voice was quiet, it was all Hyeongjun could hear as the noise around them blurred out. “I’m the worst person in this world, and yet here you are, beside me as if I’m not dirtying you. I’m selfish for even holding your hand.”

Hyeongjun was surprised at this. He hadn’t expected such words to come from Seungmin, but he did not question it, rather, “I don’t care what you are, you can hold me, toss me aside, or do whatever you want to me.” Somehow, he didn’t even need to think of what to say. His voice came out shaky but he continued, “I don’t care, just…just let me be something for you.”

His gaze was still stuck to the ground, watching as his teardrops stained the ground beneath them. What was Seungmin’s face right now?

When Seungmin loosened his grip, Hyeongjun caught it quickly with a tighter one. “Tell me what I can do for you, Seungmin.” Blood drew on his lip and he only felt the sting when he saw a droplet of his blood on the ground. His heart was racing, his skin felt like it was on fire, and his mind couldn’t stop. Everything he felt was spilling out of him.

What he didn’t know, as the crowd grew louder with cheers and music, was Seungmin trembling in place, tears washing his calm and collected mask away. They were right next to each other, their hands entwined tightly with one another, and yet the wall between them was still pushing them apart from each other.

Fate was cruel to them in so many ways. Hyeongjun knew that deep inside his heart, that no matter how much they’d try, their veins told them a different story; that none of this mattered. They could never be meant to be.

And the worst part of it all? Seungmin had already accepted that fact.

Their hands dropped to their sides defeatedly. Hyeongjun, once again, was pushed away with the harsh waves from Seungmin’s dark, violent sea.

Chapter Text

In this small town, everyone was connected one way or another. You’d walk past a person and you’d know who they were, just like they would with you. And even if the town had some conflicts, the people would always come together to remedy it all. It was nice, like everyone in town was one big family all concerned for each other. Despite his introvertedness and general avoidance of the public, Han Hyeongjun had gotten used to the town’s culture, though he had yet to learn how to greet back those who’d greet him on the streets.

So, why was it that after a week since the bonfire festival next town, Han Hyeongjun hadn’t seen or heard from Oh Seungmin again?

That night left him crying in his bed and mulling over what happened. Was it something he said? Was he being too pushy? Every time he thought about it, a wave of embarrassment washed over him with a bucket of reality checks. He felt like an idiot, he felt like Seungmin was being unfair, and he felt like he was being unfair to Seungmin too. He felt all over the place, but one thing that was consistent was the heartache he felt whenever a day passed without Seungmin’s presence.

Hyeongjun sighed to himself for what seemed like the thousandth time today. The restaurant was busy again now that the weather had gone to a much more comfortable heat, but even then, Seungmin who complained so much about the heat hadn’t shown up.

It was not the first day Hyeongjun realized how torturous Seungmin was being until the next, because it hadn’t really sunk into him yet. He spent the second day waiting in the restaurant, checking over his cellphone for the usual good morning texts, but none, nothing at all. It was until the fourth day he decided to spend his entire day in the restaurant just so he could keep his mind off of Seungmin, and he cursed every moment the restaurant wasn’t busy.

Today was different; Jungsu came in with Jiseok in a wheelchair. It’s gone bad. Hyeongjun remembered the conversation he had with Seungmin in the infirmary again.

“Hiya there, Hyeongjunnie!” Jiseok, despite looking clearly in pain, managed to beam a happy smile. “I missed you. You guys didn’t even say goodbye after the bonfire.”

“Oh…” Hyeongjun trailed off.

Right after the bonfire ended, Seungmin didn’t bother saying anything else to the three and accompanied Hyeongjun home. He remembered again, the train ride was painfully silent on the way back to town. Seungmin dropped him off right outside their apartment building and hugged him tightly before leaving without a word. Hyeongjun thought it was the most painful thing about that night.

Jiseok shared a look with Jungsu, “Well, if I had to guess, Seungmin was probably dying to get home. He’s a dummy for having his foot sprained.” He laughed, “It’s a shame, you guys should’ve seen the performances after the bonfire.”

Hyeongjun willed himself to smile even if it didn’t reach his eyes, or his heart. “We can always go next time.” That, if time would give him a next one. But Jiseok and Jungsu did not have to know that.

“There’ll be many more festivals coming up for the year, so don’t be bummed out about it.” Jungsu said, “I hope you had fun though.”

“I did.” Hyeongjun lied. Just thinking about the bonfire made him want to curl up and die.

Jiseok nudged Jungsu on his side a little too hard; it elicited a groan from the latter. “Seriously? Ugh,” Jiseok shook his head before grabbing the menu from Jungsu’s grasp.

“My bad, I forgot.” Jungsu mumbled.

Hyeongjun knew what they both meant. He had to guess it was because of their abrupt leave that made the two walk on eggshells when talking about Seungmin, or that they probably knew everything. He couldn’t be bothered enough to care though, not when feeling like shit weighed heavily on him to even focus on anything.

“I’ll just have the usual,” Jiseok grinned at Hyeongjun as he held out the menu, his wheelchair too low to put it back where he got it. “Wow, I really miss looking at your face.”

“Uh…thanks?” Hyeongjun leaned over to take the menu.

“I’ll have the cold noodles,” Jungsu smiled.

Why are they smiling like that? Hyeongjun realized they had been smiling at him since entering the store. It wasn’t creepy, actually, it looked more like they were…pitying him? Pitying didn’t seem like the right word.  He didn’t try to find a better suiting word since he didn’t know what he’d do about it.

He hung the note onto the window behind him and turned back to the two who still had the same smiles on their faces. “Is there anything else you’d like…?” The air felt awkward around them, it always did even if Seungmin was around. Hyeongjun didn’t know why he thought of Seungmin anyway.

“Nope, we’re good.” Jiseok said, but they still hadn’t moved from their spot. Hyeongjun nodded as a response.

There wasn’t a line behind the two and they seemed to notice this, so they hung around the counter as they waited for their meals. Jiseok, with his endless questions, “Whoa, you know how to play that?” He pointed at the ukulele on the desk. Jiseok was practically halfway into Hyeongjun’s side of the counter, but he didn’t really mind.

“This and a guitar.” He replied, taking the instrument into his hand. “Do you wanna play?”

“Hell yeah,” Jiseok took the ukulele and wrapped it around his hand, looking up at Jungsu. “I’m about to serenade you, so it would be nice if your tall ass takes a seat.”

Jungsu bursted out laughing, “This is so romantic; a cripple serenading me.”

The blonde pouted before playfully kicking Jungsu’s shin, “You wouldn’t have met me if I wasn’t crippled.”

“Dunno if I should be glad about that.” Jungsu said as he leaned in to peck a kiss at Jiseok’s cheeks that flushed red by the action.

Hyeongjun didn’t mind the couple, actually, he felt warm having to see them be comfortable with each other. It could’ve been fine watching them until the thought of being like that with Seungmin plagued his mind. He frowned and let out a sigh.

The two shifted from staring at him and glancing at each other for a second, and before Hyeongjun could’ve said anything about it, Jungsu spoke up.

“Hey, uh, Seungmin’s birthday is coming up…” Jiseok set the ukulele back onto the counter before nudging Jungsu again, a little harder this time, causing him to fold into his knee.

“Why would you—ugh, you know what, this isn’t even our issue,” Grabbing Jungsu by his wrist, Jiseok turned his wheelchair around. “It’s on the 11th. Don’t greet him unless he talks to you.”

With that, the couple sat on their table, ate their meals and didn’t say much else to Hyeongjun before leaving. The conversation left him confused and more conflicted about Seungmin.

—

Two weeks of nothing.

Han Hyeongjun had grown used to it just like everything in his life. He went to bed early, woke up before his parents had their breakfasts, and spent the entire day in the restaurant like always. This was his routine and everything was in place, he had ample time to practice playing his guitar too, even if his fingers had gone too weak on the strings, even if it took him a mound of pillows to fall asleep, and even if it wasn’t difficult to get up in the mornings because every night he was restless. It didn’t matter because he was doing something.

The big red calendar on the left side of the restaurant’s wall marked June 10th. He still remembered Jungsu’s words, actually, it haunted him. Every single thing about Seungmin lingered around Hyeongjun like specks of dust that wouldn’t go away. He tried everything to forget because it seemed that Seungmin forgot about him anyway.

Yet, when night came and the restaurant was finally closed for the day, he found himself curled up in bed with his cellphone in his hand. It had been half an hour since he had typed in a greeting, his fingers running on the keys multiple times to rewrite his words because the first one sounded too plain, the next one sounded too emotional for no reason (there definitely was a reason), but he ultimately settled with a simple “ Happy birthday.” before he spent the next minutes hovering his thumb over the send button.

He let it sit beside him along his thoughts. Jiseok did tell him not to greet Seungmin, but for some reason, he felt like he needed to say something, to break the silence between them. Or maybe he was looking for a reason to break it. Why was it even there in the first place? At this point, Hyeongjun didn’t care if he was hurt that night, he only wanted things to go back to normal, and maybe Seungmin needed a push of a button to realize this.

His thumb pressed the button.

[00:12] You: Happy birthday.

—

A month and three days passed, Hyeongjun had gotten the hang of the restaurant’s swings of customers at 1 PM and six until closing time. As time passed, the restaurant garnered more and more customers all thanks to his mother’s amazing blend of flavors in her dishes and his father’s rigorous kneading on the noodles’ dough. He was not aware that some, mostly girls his age, came in just to admire him because he was too preoccupied with his sketchbook and only sparked conversations whenever Jiseok or Jungsu or Jooyeon came.

At least three days in a week, Jiseok came in. Hyeongjun had only seen him in his wheelchair once and that was the first time the couple came in a week after the bonfire. Every time Jiseok was here, Hyeongjun found himself drawn into the blonde’s way of capturing people’s attention just by blabbering on with his words. Jiseok was easy to talk to, and even if he couldn’t relate to some topics, he still managed to stay present in listening and giving out warranted opinions in their conversations.

And still, the silence grew louder on Seungmin’s side.

Hyeongjun didn’t care anymore. He didn’t mind that Seungmin hadn’t replied to his birthday greeting nor did he mind that Seungmin never showed up again. He wasn’t sure when he stopped caring or if he ever did, but he hadn’t been thinking much about Seungmin anymore and that was what mattered. The distance probably helped, just not with the empty hole left in his heart.

Jiseok did a really great job at not mentioning Seungmin. The only time he did was when Hyeongjun would ask, and he asked about three times in total. Twice was out of desperation, when the hurt was still fresh, and once out of sheer curiosity. There was no denying that Seungmin had an impact in Hyeongjun’s boring, dull life, but he wished it wasn’t such a huge impact than it actually was.

The recent, and probably the last conversation they’ll ever have about Seungmin was when Jiseok unpromptedly brought him up. “Seungmin hasn’t been working lately. I guess something’s finally biting back on his ass,” Jiseok’s face was nondescript like his tone, as if the words unconsciously slipped out of him. His hands were busy with the ukulele he borrowed from Hyeongjun. “He deserves it. He’s an idiot.”

It was almost as if Jiseok forgot he was talking to Hyeongjun, and though the whole situation hurt, he had never thought of Seungmin in a bad light. “Why would he deserve it?”

Hyeongjun’s hunch was right when Jiseok suddenly jumped in his seat, his eyes widened as if he wasn’t the one who brought the whole thing up. “Oh…” He said, then sliding back into his seat and strumming the ukulele again. “Because, like I said, he’s an idiot.”

“I don’t think he is.”

Jiseok decided not to reply to that, instead, “What do you even like about Seungmin?”

He didn’t know how to respond to the question, he didn’t even think of how Jiseok knew he had been feeling something for Seungmin for a while now. He only thought of the question; what did he like about Seungmin? If he was asked back then in the viewdeck—and if he wasn’t shy enough to answer—he would’ve listed down a lot of things. Yet, unsurprisingly, everything about Seungmin blurred.

Hyeongjun couldn’t think of anything anymore; only the love that was left unanswered.

He hoped it wouldn’t fade with Seungmin.

When Hyeongjun didn’t say anything, Jiseok spoke in a much softer tone this time. “I know I said he walks his talk—I mean it, he really does,” He said, taking a pause. Hyeongjun waited patiently for him to continue. “He just…needs some time.”

Hyeongjun wanted to say, I need time, too, but ultimately brushed it off and continued his tasks, forcing himself to not think about Seungmin again.

Despite the worst, everything went rather smoothly. For a while, Hyeongjun forgot that he was sick, but of course, fate reminded him of that—terribly. Today, he was not able to get up at all. His body felt anchored to the bed and he felt cold as ice, although his forehead, neck, and everywhere he could think of formed beads of sweat. His skin was on fire; the terrible urge to rip every inch of his skin just so he could relieve himself was strong, but since he couldn’t do that, he just tossed and turned in his bed, crying and waiting for the pain to go away.

The darkness of his room engulfed him oddly like an embrace. That was the only thing he could find comforting right now when the room felt like it was spinning. His alarm had rung minutes ago but he had been awake before, so his parents should be awake by now and must have had an idea what was going on. The wait was excruciating; like a ton of needles pricked every inch of his body in a slow, mocking manner and his head was a big balloon filled with water, on the verge of spilling out.

Hyeongjun cried, letting out childish whines into his pillows as he hugged his own fragile body. Was this torture made out of his two months worth of being less ill? His mind ruminated, wishing he had been sick in that timeframe so that it would not be as bad as it was right now.

His chest felt tight, his breathing was labored when he tried to breathe through his mouth, the air having trouble going past the painful lump in his throat. He trembled so much that his vision began to blur, and the first time he met Seungmin flashed back to him, remembering how he was the last person he thought of as his sickness overcame his body.

He had been doing so well. Truly, it had been a while since Seungmin passed Hyeongjun’s mind, but right now, when the world felt like crashing down on him, he remembered everything. Seungmin hadn’t truly left his mind, most especially his heart at all. He cried and cried, out of pain for both his body and his heart. He wished for a lot of things; for everything to stop, for Seungmin to come back.

Come back, he mouthed, Seungmin, please come back, I’m sorry .

The door opened and his eyes fell shut.

—

It was quiet when he woke up.

Only the wind rustling the trees and the morning birds’ soft, mellow chirps greeted him awake. His heart felt tired; of beating, hurting, of waiting. Maybe that was what he needed to stop.

He thought of Seungmin again. For a week now, that was all he had been doing, thinking of Seungmin and what went wrong between them. He stopped thinking that it was his fault, or anyone’s, because it definitely was fate that pushed them apart. Maybe he should stop thinking of that, too.

Still, he held his hand out, spreading his thin fingers dressed with wires and drips, where the sun shone on his hollowed vein. He held it up for a while, grasping for something and letting go. He kept doing this every day he spent bedridden on the hospital bed, thinking of Seungmin while he did.

What if it was different? What if they were soulmates? He let the thought sit with him through these dark, lonely times. Thinking of how free they could’ve been had fate let them be, how he didn’t have to suffer like this, how he didn’t have to see Seungmin suffer the same.

He thought of the reality of it all—they could be happy even if they weren’t fated. That was how Jiseok and Jungsu were. Maybe they could be like that, too. Then he realized he had to stop thinking of these things altogether.

Regardless, he let it sit with him. In this room, no one could see him, no one could stop him. He was alone, and as lonely as it seemed, he felt free to finally feel everything.

Admitting it for the first time, he missed Seungmin. And realizing for the first time, he loved Seungmin.

“I love…” He let his tongue graze over the words, feeling it in his lips. It felt foreign, different, raw. But it felt wrong.

This, too, he had to stop himself from feeling. The only thing that felt right was the pain overcoming his senses when he fell back into his sleep.

—

Han Hyeongjun couldn’t remember what it was like to be happy anymore.

Spending a month confined in the hospital felt more familiar than being at the apartment with his parents. Although the hospital was a bit different from the ones in the city, it still had the same atmosphere of cleanliness, whiteness, and the impending death-ness. He hated that he was familiar with that feeling.

Apparently, he had gone into an anaphylactic shock that morning. Since the cause was unknown, they kept him confined for monitoring though he could’ve recovered back at home—well, that was what he thought after spending his first night at the hospital, until his condition kept getting worse. He did, obviously, start to get better, but the rashes hadn’t left him completely. He still had to wrap bandages over his arms and legs.

However, coming back to the restaurant was an out-of-world experience. There wasn’t much of a difference other than a new staff working on serving the tables—an older looking guy named Kim Wonpil. He looked kind, smiled boxily, and most importantly, minded his own business. Hyeongjun didn’t mind extra company as long as it didn’t bother him.

A week had passed since coming back to the restaurant, Jiseok being the first to greet him back (with tears), Jungsu and Jooyeon came by with flowers but had to take it back when finding out Hyeongjun was allergic to pollen. It was nice having their warm embraces after the cold, lonely feeling of being confined for a month.

Seungmin, however, hadn’t shown up at all. It took him a while, but Hyeongjun stopped expecting him to.

Just as he had thought of Jiseok, he quickly appeared on the restaurant’s door like magic. Wonpil greeted him with his gentle voice that Hyeongjun had gotten used to already, yet Jiseok simply bowed at him before walking straight to the counter.

“Okay, listen, I’m done with his bullshit,” It was only when Jiseok started speaking with a harsh tone that Hyeongjun noticed the way he looked; his hair heavily dishevelled like a cloud of smoke, his eyes and cheeks all puffy, and his striped pants clearly missing its pair as he bore a brown Yu-Gi-Oh! tee completing the look that he had just gotten out of bed.

Hyeongjun took a step back, startled with everything Jiseok was presenting right now. He even had a scowl on his face. “What happened?” Hyeongjun asked.

The blonde stared at him with a deadpan before groaning into his hands, “This! This whole thing—you and Seungmin! I’m done with it all!”

Hyeongjun winced upon hearing Jiseok’s outburst. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hyeongjun furrowed his brows when he saw Jiseok do the same. “What happened…?” he asked again.

He watched as Jiseok paced around the counter, looking like a complete mess. He came back with, “You wanna know what happened? You, you happened, and that’s not inherently a bad thing, but fuck! I can’t believe Seungmin has been moping over this shit for months, it’s not even his fault you got sick! I know that because I have been watching over you, but this is getting too frustrating for me as a friend to both of you! God!” Jiseok’s face pleaded with desperation like he was being tortured for something.

Confused, Hyeongjun repeated Jiseok’s words in his mind over and over, but he just couldn’t understand anything at all. “I-I’m sorry, I’m lost,” Although Jiseok wasn’t being loud, his tone was so aggressive that it made Hyeongjun nervous.

“Ugh,” Jiseok ran his hand through his hair, as if he was about to rip it out, “Okay, look, the reason why he hasn’t shown up is because he’s scared his fate would curse you. Has he told you about it?”

Hyeongjun remembered Seungmin mentioning something along the lines of what Jiseok said, so he nodded in response. Seeing this, Jiseok continued, “Then you must’ve known his curse brings tragedy to the people he falls in love with, right? But fuck, and I’m sorry for this, but your life can’t get any more worse than it already is so I have no idea what he’s afraid of.” His mouth ran a thousand words incomparable to Hyeongjun’s mind that had a million questions. His heart was racing, trying to comprehend Jiseok was already hard as it was.

“I really don’t understand,” Hyeongjun said. Oddly enough, he was more concerned with how distressed Jiseok looked rather than the topic at hand.

For what seemed like the fifth time, Jiseok groaned, only this time a little louder and more frustratedly. “I’m so confused how you guys even liked each other, you’re both equally dense.” He rolled his eyes.

Hyeongjun finally got it. “Wait, what?”

“So you get it now?” Hyeongjun knew the blonde was beginning to be annoyed when he bore his sarcastic smile.

Jiseok continued, “Yes, Hyeongjun, he likes you. It might be even more than like.”

Oh.

Oh.

Hyeongjun’s feet moved by itself, mindlessly stepping out of the counter with a blank look. He couldn’t believe it, not just yet, not even with Jiseok’s urgency. He tried something to feel himself but there was just nothing that made any of this feel real.

To break Hyeongjun out of his daze, Jiseok took him by his shoulders and shook him. “Hyeongjun, I didn’t mean to tell you any of this, but how could I not?” Although the blonde was panicked, Hyeongjun still couldn’t bring himself to listen, until, “Please, you need to see Seungmin. I know he did you wrong but I can’t help him anymore, he might do something only you can stop him from.”

It was then Hyeongjun realized that this was all just as difficult as it could be for Seungmin, he was only human, he felt things, and maybe not the same way Hyeongjun did, but there was no denying what they had wasn’t real. There was something there, something that chewed at the stubborn wall between them and Hyeongjun would do everything to break it. He realized that Seungmin was probably dying to break it, too.

Then the anxiety plagued him; Jiseok was not panicking for nothing, he did not come in here just to say all of this when Seungmin could’ve done it himself. Hyeongjun grounded himself back.

“What did he do? Jiseok, tell me it’s nothing bad, please,” His voice was shaky, just like his hands when he held Jiseok’s wrists for support.

This sudden realization surprised Jiseok, “I-I…well, he found out you got sick and he’s been blaming himself for it.” His voice fell down to a gentler tone compared to earlier now that he had Hyeongjun’s attention. “I couldn’t get in contact with him ever since. I tried visiting, but he wouldn't open his door.”

Hyeongjun listened as Jiseok’s voice fell weaker, his eyes brimming with tears. “That’s why I came here. I wasn’t supposed to tell you all this but I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m scared.” He trembled in his usual confident stance, “I’m scared of what he’s doing to himself.”

That was just the push he needed.

Hyeongjun did not think twice. He did not remind himself of the hurt he went through, he just needed one thing right now; to know if Seungmin was alright.

“Take me to him.”

Chapter Text

The rain fell harshly on this dark afternoon. As each drop fell onto the dirt, the air swirled plumes of the summer heat, and yet Oh Seungmin stood alone, in the cold graveyard where the murky feeling of everything stuck in his skin, his lungs, his heart. The mud on his shoes showed the undeniable guilt that dragged him here. He believed he shouldn’t be standing here either, but rather in the place of who was buried beneath.

He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him when his feet led him to the grave of the very person who was causing him all his suffering, but he felt a sense of belonging; like the depths of his despair could be just as deep as Haewon’s grave, or probably deeper than that.

It continued to pour, even if he was soaked, he stood still. His eyes followed the grooves of Haewon’s name on the stone until it was dizzying. The rain must have gotten into his eyes and skewed his vision when he saw Hyeongjun’s name instead.

He took a step back, his heart stopped for a second until he blinked the rain away and saw Oh Haewon’s name just where it should be. Fuck , Seungmin felt the rain hit his skin now, dripping into the crevices of his lips as he clenched his jaw. Whatever he saw, he did not want to see it ever again, and he knew exactly what he needed to do.

Even if it hurts, Seungmin would rather suffer than see Hyeongjun die.

Maybe that was why he had to come back to Haewon’s grave, to remind himself of his own curse, that he was like the mud in his feet—dirty and murky, and someone like that was not worthy of an innocent, pure Han Hyeongjun. Or anything of his kind.

When will he ever be worthy of it?

The rain continued to fall, and Oh Seungmin wanted the ground to sink him under, deeper, where the earth underneath embraced all things rotten; including his existence.

—

“How long are you gonna be like this?”

The weather was irritatingly nice. Irritating, because the sky’s cleared up, the air felt lighter, but the sun had somehow taken form into a head of hair—scratch that, a whole person, when Jiseok and his blonde hair barged into Seungmin’s house like a blazing beam of sunlight, just to nag him of basically everything. He expected this reaction, anyone would react anyway, but it was still undeniably irritating to go through and just with everything else, he sucked it up like he always did.

His room was a mess; his entire house, to be accurate. He was too complacent that his brother wouldn’t come home from Seoul for a while or that anyone other than Jiseok would come down to visit.

Jiseok took a drag off his cigarette. Although Seungmin had already seen Jiseok smoke, it still felt odd to look at. The blonde seemed to enjoy himself pretty well too; the only time he was able to smoke was in Seungmin’s house, for obvious boyfriend reasons, and Seungmin just let him, though he didn’t smoke himself. He hated the smell of it even, and hated how his temples would ache with the feeling of sticky black tar at the back of his throat that wouldn’t go away with a gulp of water.

Since he didn’t know how to respond to Jiseok’s question, he did the asking instead. “How long are you going to crash here just to smoke?” He made sure to pull a disgusted look. He still knew how to, he wanted Jiseok to know that, for some reason.

Jiseok shrugged mockingly from the doorframe of his room, “Dunno, probably as long as you keep making me run your errands.” and as expected, Jiseok always had a stark response at the ready to every rebuttal Seungmin could barely give.

Seungmin didn’t deny how everyone else had the upper hand against him in this situation. He had no argument to shield himself with, and he did not plan to either. Seungmin knew he was being unfair to Hyeongjun but it was for the best, he needed to do this to keep Hyeongjun safe, no matter how much the yearn to even catch a glimpse of him gnawed at Seungmin.

These past few months had been terrible. He had Jiseok run back and forth from the restaurant and to his house, just to hear the barest idea of how Hyeongjun was doing.

For someone who wanted people to voice out their emotions, hearing Hyeongjun avoidant of his own crashed a giant weight in Seungmin’s gut.

The cigarette between Jiseok’s fingers was close to burning the filter, but the blonde only took a few hits. Seungmin counted three—he was counting, he tried to stray his mind away from Hyeongjun.

“Seriously, you’re not even going to stop by the restaurant?” Jiseok asked again.

It seemed that Jiseok was being especially insistent today. Seungmin dragged his eyes to the calendar—he found himself fatigued doing simple tasks now—and it read July. It was only now he realized that they were already well into July, August was peeking out in the corner as it would only be a week until then.

He turned to Jiseok again, the blonde’s natural hair was starting to grow out, so was his own. His hair was already past his brows, his roots made the brown on his hair look out-of-place. He should cut his hair, dye it, too. He should clean his room. Clean his house. Get back to work. He should get up, seriously…

Lately, even though he was aware of everything happening, he did not feel present. The world looked permanently tinted in shades of blue, the corners of his vision blurred as he watched himself move through life terribly. He was aware of everything, he just could not bring himself to do anything about it.

His dissociation got worse when Jiseok suddenly stopped coming by for at least three weeks. He felt like he was going insane; like the world was crushing him on all sides and the only hand of help he had had gotten tired of him.

He accepted that, too. Jiseok did not owe him anything, it was more like Seungmin owed him the world. He did not know how much more selfish he could get, and if Jiseok stayed around, he would just become greedier than he already was.

But Jiseok came back. That was today, right now, in Seungmin’s mess of a room. Maybe the gods had forgiven him just for this bit, but the absence of his friend had taught him temperance. 

He felt his mouth move as he finally responded to Jiseok’s question, “He’ll be fine.”

Yes, Hyeongjun would.

The last time Jiseok visited, he told Seungmin about Hyeongjun’s indifference to the whole situation. That was good to hear, it should be, but that weight in Seungmin’s gut grew chains over his heart as he felt himself crash deeper into his guilt. It did not matter, though—all of this was for Hyeongjun’s safety.

“But he isn’t, Seungmin, he hasn’t been doing well.”

This time, Seungmin looked up from whatever he was looking at. He did not have to will his eyes to focus, not when Jiseok just mentioned Hyeongjun’s wellbeing.

The blonde’s stance was naturally lenient as always, but the look on his face was dead serious—very rare, and very frightening, because it only meant that Jiseok was definitely being serious. Seungmin held his stare as he swallowed the lump in his throat, waiting for Jiseok to continue.

He swiffed the last puff on the cigarette before putting it out on a designated can for his ashtray, then shifted his weight to the other side of the doorframe. “I was visiting him while I didn’t visit you .” Jiseok clarified.

Good . Seungmin thought. Good… he did not have to know why Jiseok visited Hyeongjun. He simply nodded in acknowledgement.

“But I haven’t visited the restaurant in a while.”

Okay, he doesn’t have to. Seungmin thought. This might be better, too.

“Because Hyeongjun isn’t even there.”

Silence washed over the room like a tsunami. One that was relieving and nervewracking at the same time. Jiseok was a bubbly, energetic person, and being serious was the least he would be, but that was just exactly who he was being right now.

After what seemed like decades of unrelenting silence, Jiseok let out an exasperated breath, shuffling around the door, hesitating to just leave or wait until Seungmin had more to say.

But, of course, Seungmin had nothing else to say.

“Wow,” Jiseok scoffed, “Okay? You’re not even going to ask why? Fuck you too, then.” He almost looked regretful for killing the light off his cigarette too soon; he could’ve tossed it at Seungmin’s face when he had the chance.

“You’re seriously the most selfish person I’ve ever met, you fucking worthless piece of shit.”

It was not the words that were daggers laced with venom that made Seungmin flinch. Jiseok actually seemed very annoyed about this whole situation, more so than what Seungmin had let on.

Jiseok almost left. Keyword: almost. He was already on the way out until he came back to say one more thing, one more thing that might finally rattle Oh Seungmin out of his illusion.

“I stopped caring about what you felt ever since I started visiting Hyeongjun. You know why? Because he actually listens, he actually improves, and to top it all off, he does not make himself miserable because he knows this isn’t his fault at all.” Jiseok stuck his finger as if Seungmin’s head was a corkboard and he was pinning every word on it.

“He knows it’s not his, not yours, nor anyone’s fault that you are both cursed with fate. He knows and he doesn’t fucking blame himself for it.” Jiseok spat, tears welling up the corner of his eyes as his voice catched on his throat, but he continued.

“You’re so fucking miserable it’s insane. I hope you’re comfortable with Hyeongjun falling sick for a month knowing that you’ve never visited him at least once because you’re too busy being a fucking loser.”

With that, Seungmin did not hear the front door slam but Jiseok’s words repeatedly rang in his mind.

Sick .

He was sick.

Hyeongjun fell sick.

For the first time, Seungmin stood up with such urgency as he chased after the front door. He saw Jiseok already halfway from the path down the driveway.

He felt it build up in his throat. In his heart, his lungs, and the tears in his eyes; all of it came out at the same time as he couldn’t bring himself to call for Jiseok again. It was like Jiseok had turned on a switch in his brain again, something that would make it run its gears back into work.

Right, what use would it be if Seungmin just wallowed in misery here, in his home, while Hyeongjun suffered a consequence he shouldn’t have? Why was he so afraid of something he was not even sure of happening?

Because it happened twice. It happened to Haewon, it happened to Jiseok. He reminded himself. He always did, but then, hearing how Hyeongjun suffered all these days, alone, when he could’ve been there for him.

How could the feeling of fear be worse than suffering from the consequences of fear itself?

And yet he felt the world around him swirl again, pulling him back into his deep, dark and murky swamp of misery.

—

The air collapsed each time Oh Seungmin felt the coarse, itchy rope on his neck.

Because everything was too suffocating now, what more could a rope do?

He was never looking for an escape from his regrets, wanted it to follow him to his grave, but the misery it brought with it was unbearably painful. Just how long did he have to bear with the pain until death finally took him? Maybe…just maybe, he could do something to speed up that process.

It would only take one step until the world sleeps beneath him, and one more until he reaches the heavens above. That was what he would like to think, but even the devil would not take him in for keeping.

Someone like him had no place—not on Earth, heaven, hell, and especially not with Hyeongjun.

Saying that he ended up like this because of Hyeongjun was pathetic, and stupid, too. Hyeongjun had no fault in this at all, yet somehow Seungmin’s world was intensely shaken the moment he met him.

In this very second, with his feet inconveniently tipping on the edge of his seat, Seungmin remembered Hyeongjun under the moonlight near the shore, where he showed the part of his skin where the vein atrophied from the lack of blood.

It had been a while since he had begun to better himself, because living in regret was worse than living at all, so why should he take the extra step? The thing was, Seungmin did not know exactly how to get better. And it wasn’t like anyone in the world had an idea of anything they did, although surely, everyone did all so better than Seungmin. But he was getting better, at some point before meeting Hyeongjun, life did not seem so terrible for a while.

Yet, it was definitely in that moment where Hyeongjun bared himself. He was aware of what fate was doing to him, and yet he had a better grasp on what he could do with all his time left. Even in such desperate situations, someone could be resilient and smile through it all.

Seungmin felt lost again—he felt himself losing every single second he spent his time with Hyeongjun, who was taking large steps down the thinning thread of his inevitable fate, whereas Seungmin felt his balance shake even on a thick tightrope. Each step was a threat to kill; maybe himself, but definitely Hyeongjun.

Scary as it was, it was also fascinating to see how Hyeongjun led his life gracefully even if death was waiting at the end of his path.

Maybe that was why Seungmin continued to visit, continued to eat the noodles Hyeongjun’s mom made, and continued to follow, watch, and gaze at Hyeongjun, careful not to fall even though he was well aware he already did. It was better not to acknowledge it.

Seungmin missed him. He really did. Stubbornness could only get you so far, that was true, but today, he could stop thinking of Hyeongjun. He could stop himself from harming Hyeongjun. That was right.

If there was one thing Seungmin knew, it was how to love someone.

Finally, he was going to do something right today.

—

The sky dimmed. The air got cold, and colder, but his body was warm.

Something stopped him, something in his gut or mind helped him pull the noose out of his neck and bring himself down the chair.

He was about to do it. He really was. His foot almost sunk before the other, but his eyes flashed the bursts of fireworks, the scent of applewood burning trailed around him, and the warmth of Hyeongjun’s fingers laced between his own felt too tight it almost choked him back alive, if that was possible.

In the past six hours since, he was in a trance. His body miraculously pushed himself to move—or perhaps, he was on autopilot?—and he put away anything that could put himself in danger again.

The chair was in the next room, the blades (he did not cut himself, nor would he ever) were disposed of, the knives, too, in the same bag of the blades, and any medication he had was also kept in the other room.

His body also sent a message to Jiseok. That was somehow more plausible than sending a message to his own brother, what could someone a hundred miles away could do in a dire situation that needed his presence anyway?

[18:36] You: help me

—

Oh Seungmin forgot to put the rope away.

“You idiot, you fucking idiot!” Jiseok wailed. Seungmin felt his skin on his shoulder catch onto Jiseok’s tight, shaky grip against the fabric of his sweater. It was the only thing he could feel right now.

“Why would you fucking do that,” Even Jiseok’s cries were too muffled out in Seungmin’s ears. All he could look at was the rope laying flat on the ground. “Why, Seungmin, why?!”

Jiseok shook him, held him tight, cried loudly, but none of it made Seungmin feel like he was real. He could not even remember what drove him to do it. He could not remember anything from this morning.

Whack!

All of a sudden, Seungmin felt a sharp sting on both sides of his cheeks, followed by Jiseok’s hands gently cupping them with the warmth generating more pain. His eyes widened, he jolted awake, for what seemed like years, he felt conscious again.

Jiseok was in front of him, ugly sobbing; tears continuously falling on both sides of his reddened cheeks, his nose dripped so that it almost threatened to blow bubbles. Was this Jiseok’s view of Seungmin when he had his accident? He was really funny to look at, but now that Seungmin remembered what had just happened, he obviously could not bring himself to laugh.

“Seriously…Oh Seungmin. Pull yourself together, for fuck’s sake, I hate seeing you like this.”

Hearing those words made Seungmin feel alive again. There was no point in ending his life when he had so much more to live for; he still had a friend—Jiseok, who was willing to be his friend even though fate threatened his friend’s life.

He also had a brother who was supposed to come home soon, to keep each other in check. He had the hardware store to look after in his brother’s stead.

He did not know if he still had Han Hyeongjun, if he still had the restaurant that served his warm noodles that tasted like his mother’s embrace, the ambience that engulfed him with the warmth of the home he had lost long ago.

And more importantly, Hyeongjun, who Seungmin refused to love, because he loved him that much.

Hyeongjun. Hyeongjun…

The sound was like no other. A crack in the bone, a pebble tossed in a wide tunnel. His throat croaked and screamed and wailed. His hands searched for a hold, something to keep him from falling back into that dark pit again. Jiseok grabbed onto him tightly.

He cried. He was real again.

—

Seungmin was not ready to return to the hardware store just yet. He knew what he had to do first, that was to tidy up the mess he cultivated for months in his house.

He did not put on his best outfits yet, because god forbid a man tries to recover from his suicide attempt. He needed to pull himself together first, the first thing that came to mind was to clean.

His hair still needed fixing if he wanted to run the hardware store again by next week. It was not as long as Hyeongjun’s but the ends on the back of his hair were beginning to stretch out onto the front of his neck. He decided to get on that task later.

So then he wiped, sweeped, and cleaned every dirt he could find in his house. He still felt like shit, of course, but it was more so due to what had happened a week ago and not because of his self-loathing anymore. That was enough time for Seungmin to get up again, or force himself to. He felt like if he stayed too long in his bed, those dark thoughts would plague his mind again and ruin his chance to regain himself.

His cellphone chimed. Jiseok had been checking in on him since then, even hosted a sleepover with Jooyeon (because Jungsu was out of town) to help “make things feel better.” Of course, it did help, but Jiseok was bugging him about another thing.

[08:30] KWAKEN: srsly

[08:30] KWAKEN: if u dun visit him

[08:31] KWAKEN: im gna make u.

Seungmin’s brow furrowed.

[08:32] You: ok i will can u fkn w8 i need 2 prepare myself

[08:34] KWAKEN: U BTTER VISIT 2DAY BTCH IM SRS hes been waiting

[08:34] KWAKEN: dun make me do dis. -_-

[08:36] You: do wat? also i cant visit him 2day ,,soz im rly bz cleaning up

Seungmin did not receive a reply from Jiseok after that.

He continued to clean up, to the point he went inside his room. He spotted the brown, lacquered storage drawer collecting dust, the bottom layers had not been touched for years going on now. He vividly remembered why, but for once, he did not stop himself from going through them anymore.

Blue ribbons were pulled out as the sound of alloys clinking against each other rang in a familiar sound his ears could not remember. There were medals and certifications of awards he had won back when he was in high school; his mathletes competitions, a science fair award for coming up with a robotic cleaning machine which was stupidly smart (stupid because it only ran for three minutes, more than that was game over for the robot, and smart because the allotted showcase time was three minutes), some certifications for completing voluntary community services, and his many medals for the track team he used to represent proudly.

The tracksuit he once wore vibrantly now looked faded and desolate. The resemblance with his dreams and fate was almost too accurate to even compare. He sighed and placed his awards back into its storage box. There was no use moping around about it anymore.

His eyes suddenly caught the slightest glimpse of a photograph’s seams peeking right behind the box, and without thinking twice, he pulled it out.

“No way,” He felt his own voice, heard it, but what he was looking at didn’t feel like a sense of his own.

It was a picture of the school festival.

The dreadful school festival.

Although there were many students to count, Seungmin could easily spot himself. It was hard not to when his wrists were obnoxiously glowing at the edge of the picture, where he was held around by his friends and some other students cheering for his “success.”

Right beside him was Haewon and her girlfriend, Lily. Although the scowl on Haewon’s face wasn’t present as he thought it would be, she was still prettier than Seungmin remembered. Her friends were also circling around her with happy smiles, and it looked like Lily was trying to be happy, too, but it was painfully clear that she couldn’t.

He gulped. It had been a long time since he had seen Haewon’s face in all its glory. His mind completely forgot the innocent haze her eyes exhibited, that she was simply a young girl, too. He only remembered the pain that embraced her like a veil that could never be lifted even after they had shared their vows.

She was just a girl. She was just as human as Seungmin was.

He did not even realize he was shaking until he heard the beautiful chime of his cell from the hallway. Jiseok and his impeccable timing. It had been about an hour and a half since the blonde had texted back. Suddenly, the air felt too tight around him. He dropped the photograph and headed out of the room as fast as he could.

The vision of the photograph immediately left his mind as he reached for his cellphone, his brow furrowing upon reading the text.

[10:00] KWAKEN: sry i got impatient

[10:01] KWAKEN: u kinda deserve it tho xx call me if it gets bad

[10:01] You: what r u talking abt

[10:05] KWAKEN: u’ll see lols im at the hardware store ok

[10:05] You: ?

Seungmin stared listlessly at Jiseok’s text message. It was difficult to decipher Jiseok’s vague messages when the photograph had him completely thrown off. Not only a few seconds after replying to Jiseok, the front door received a knock on the door.

He practically jumped at the sound. It was not like Jiseok to knock, but if he did, it would not have sounded so gentle.

Another knock, this time, a little bit characteristically like Jiseok, but still was not. Jiseok wouldn’t knock twice, he’d barge into the house without a second thought.

Seungmin did not want to think of it, but his mind was only telling him one thing; a whisper from his heart, too. A thumping feeling in his chest that conjoined the heavy steps he took towards the door. He did not want to believe it.

His hands clasped the cold knob and twisted it without waiting. He could not stop himself. He knew he was not prepared yet, but it was now , he only had now to fix everything back in place. To fix them back in place.

To take him back, even if fate pulled them apart.

The door opened.