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For most people, a picture is a way of freezing time. Capture a moment for a split second, to keep it forever. Create a memory that won’t fade away in the depths of the brain.
To Lu Guang, however, it’s way more than a mere fragment of time, rigid and inflexible.
It’s a snippet from the past to experience. A different life to enter. A possibility to escape his own reality and get back to a time where things were different.
The picture in his hands was taken by Qiao Ling. A late afternoon in the photo studio; a moment of peace after solving another case; nothing special or exciting. It’s just him and Cheng Xiaoshi on the worn down couch, his friend’s limbs sprawled out as if he’s the only one occupying the space. His head rests on Lu Guang’s lap, the carefree grin that Cheng Xiaoshi threw at him when he landed on top of his thighs is changed for the hint of a peaceful smile. While he is slumbering, Lu Guang props up his head on his hand. His questioning frown grew into something softer that Qiao Ling captured with the camera of her phone.
Lu Guang didn’t even notice. Instead, he just watched his friend, everything and nothing in his head. In his heart.
Even now, he can remember it perfectly and briefly, he does wonder if he could just live in this picture, in this moment, forever. Watch him sleep. Breathe. Live.
Revisit the memory time and time again, although it’s his own, but the images in his head aren’t as bright as the ones he can see through the lens of entering a photograph. It’s more vivid and if he tries hard enough, maybe he can believe it to be real for the duration of a fleeting heartbeat.
A cold comfort if nothing changes and things lead to death and despair once again, but wouldn’t it be better than nothing…?
“Hey! What’s with the gloomy look on your face?”
He can hear the grin in Cheng Xiaoshi’s tone before he actually sees it. One hand on his shoulder, he leans over the desk, but Lu Guang presses his thumb onto the screen and lets the picture vanish before his friend can take a peek.
“Nothing,” he deadpans and turns to face him. When their eyes meet, he freezes for a split second. Something inside his body clenches; his heart. Fear sinks its sharp teeth into his guts. Of failing. Of losing. Again.
This will be their last peaceful evening before things will go south and he can’t bear the thought of seeing him die again. A breath gets stuck in his throat, but he cuts off the invisible thread around his neck with the sharp blade of rationality and waves the thought aside, alongside the feelings it evokes. Through it all, he presents a perfectly calm expression to Cheng Xiaoshi.
It’s met with an eye roll and a quiet sigh, but the grin on his lips doesn’t falter. Thank god it doesn’t. “Yeah. Sure.” It’s obvious that he doesn’t buy it, but he doesn’t press for more either. “Qiao Ling told me to go and get you. She's about to finish dinner. You know. To celebrate the case we just solved.” He makes a wide gesture and his grin gets a teasing undertone.
Lu Guang nods and pushes the chair back to get up. When he turns around, his gaze gets caught by those brown eyes once again. They always harboured a warmth he has never found anywhere else.
An all too familiar notion crosses his mind. A thought he had a thousand times, and a thousand times he chased it away. Lu Guang follows certain rules and this is one of them. Never change what they have. Be content with things as they are between them. He doesn’t need more. Keeping things as they are would be enough. But still, the notion remains. The what if.
He could try it just once, before it’s too late. Build the memory he’s been longing to create so many times, but never did. Find another reason to finally do this right – or another glimpse of a doomed happiness that will slowly eat him up in the aftermath.
It could be his last chance… and he started to break the rules long ago, so what’s one more?
It’s when Cheng Xiaoshi is about to turn away that he makes a decision; impulsive, just once. His arm reaches out to stop him, fingers wrapping around his wrist, firmly, but in a silent plea to stay just a little longer.
Brown eyes widen in surprise, but Lu Guang doesn’t explain nor hesitate. His fingers grab a piece of Cheng Xiaoshi’s shirt and he doesn’t shy away from his perplexed gaze as he bridges the distance between them, driven by determination or desperation or both.
Chen Xiaoshi’s lips feel soft and warm on his, and he can taste a hint of lemon tea; a hint of something his heart aches for with every passing beat.
For one second, time seems to stand still. He wouldn’t mind if it did forever, caught in this brief moment where nothing else seems to exist. It’s just the two of them, intertwined in a unity he isn’t ready to let go of.
Lu Guang breaks away before he gets lost in this too much, leaving his counterpart overwhelmed and perplexed and with a faint blush on his cheeks.
“Let’s go,” he says calmly, acting as if nothing happened. As if he didn’t just cross a line he never dared to before.
“What? You can’t just do –” Cheng Xiaoshi gestures wildly into the air. “ This and then go on as if nothing happened!” He is clearly flustered, bewildered, overwhelmed even, and the red on his face turns into an even darker shade now.
“Sorry. I probably shouldn’t have.” It’s the truth. Following this impulse will most likely get him nowhere in the end, complicate things at worst, but it was nice to feel it just once. Convey what he can never form into words in one timeline at least.
He turns away. Heads for the door now, but isn’t surprised to hear his own name only a heartbeat later.
“Lu Guang!” There’s a tight grip on his shoulder that holds him back. “Wait…”
He can’t say that he is surprised – but he isn’t prepared for what’s coming next either. Neither the gentle touch on his cheek that makes him turn his face, nor the soft pair of lips that melts against his once again.
This kiss lasts longer. Tastes like a promise of a future he barely dares to hope for.
A new kind of warmth starts to flow through his body. Spreads in his stomach, his chest, his heart and for a brief moment, he allows himself to surrender into this. Live in this moment alone where neither wants to let go. Where everything between them is in perfect sync.
Perfect. It’s perfect…
“Cheng Xiaoshi? Where are you? Did you find him?” Qiao Ling’s voice echoes through the stairwell, breaking their connection within the blink of an eye, but one gaze exchanged between grey and brown is enough to know that they both long for more.
Lu Guang is sure that he’ll never forget the expression on Cheng Xiaoshi’s face. The wide grin he sends him, brimming with excitement and a fondness that is hard to oversee. Despite everything, he can't help but to smile back at him.
“Now we’re even,” he exclaims smugly and leads the way, but not without reaching out to take his hand as if it’s a matter of course.
Lu Guang follows him without any hesitation. Holds onto his hand a little too tightly, for the thought of letting him go settles in his stomach like a rock and he isn’t ready yet. Not with dread and despair already waiting on their doorstep, but he won’t let them win. He’ll find a way to save this. Save him.
And then, he will kiss him again, with the promise of a future in his heart instead of the nagging thought that is running through his head in an endless circle now.
Please, don’t let this be the last kiss.